Core Sadness vs. Wounded Sadness

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I love how Margaret puts these concepts into clear, understandable and personal ways that we can get our heads and hearts around. I found this article of hers REALLY helpful to explain overfunctioning and what happens when we instinctively give too much to a man, especially a man who’s sad or depressed or has “issues.”  This will help you understand what’s really going on with him and what to do about it…

By Dr. Margaret Paul

Very often, in my work with my clients, when I ask them what they are feeling they say, “I feel sad.” Often, they do not know why they feel sad.

Sadness comes from two very different sources.

Core Sadness

Core sadness is sadness that is in reaction to something that is happening or has happened externally. Many life situations can cause sadness, such as:

* Loss: loss of people (through death or leaving), loss of a job and financial security, loss of a beloved pet, loss of face through another’s betrayal, loss of health, and so on.

* Witnessing people’s cruelty to people, animals, and the planet. Witnessing the greed with which many people operate, which harms others and the planet.

* Witnessing the pain of others that results from natural disasters, such as fires, earthquakes, floods, and so on. As well as witnessing others’ pain as a result of their loss.

* Being with a person with whom you want to connect and the person’s heart is closed. They are angry or withdrawn and unavailable to sharing caring.

Core sadness needs to be compassionately embraced. We need to be very gentle with ourselves and others when we, or others, are experiencing core sadness. Often, people are afraid of this feeling and other core feelings and turn to various addictions to numb out feelings of sadness, grief, heartbreak, heartache, and sorrow. When we don’t gently and compassionately embrace these feelings, they get stuck in our bodies and can cause other problems, such as acting out with others, addictive behavior, and illness.

Wounded Sadness

Wounded sadness is sadness that we are causing to ourselves by our own self-abandonment. When we have not learned how to take loving care of ourselves and manage our core painful feelings, then we ignore our feelings, judge ourselves, turn to addictions, or make others responsible for our feelings. All these forms of self-abandonment cause our inner child – which is the feeling part of us – to feel sad and alone inside.

Sometimes people get addicted to wounded sadness as a way of avoiding the core sadness, and avoiding responsibility for managing it. They hope that by feeling sad, they can get others to take care of them and make them feel better. This is a victim state, and often results in others pulling away, as most people do not want responsibility for another’s feelings.

People who suffer from wounded sadness convince themselves that their sadness is being caused by others not caring about them, or by bad luck, or by God abandoning them. They do not want to accept that they are causing their own sadness with their own self-abandonment. Until they decide that they want responsibility for causing their wounded feelings and for managing their core painful feelings, they will continue to see themselves as victims who need someone to rescue them. They will continue to be addicted to sadness as a way of attempting to manipulate others into taking responsibility for them.

People who tend to be caretakers often get trapped in trying to make a sad victim feel happy, which is exactly what the victim wants. While giving comfort and compassion to someone who is experiencing core sadness due to life situations is very loving and helpful, giving this same comfort and compassion to someone suffering from the wounded sadness that they are causing themselves is like giving an alcoholic a drink – it enables them to continue to abandon themselves.

If you are in a relationship with someone who pulls on you with their wounded sadness to make them happy, it is important for you to compassionately embrace your own core sadness at not being able to connect with them. We cannot connect with someone who is disconnected from themselves, which is always a result of self-abandonment.

Wounded sadness is healed only when a person decides to learn how to develop a loving adult self, capable of taking responsibility for their own feelings.

Margaret’s work is called Inner Bonding, and you can get her newsletters and learn about her workshops and how Inner Bonding heals..just go to her site here:

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Hypnotic on April 13, 2010 at 10:05 am

    This post rocks.
    I was the epitome of overfunctioning.
    I was the caretaker who was convinced I could make the sad man happy and the sick man well……..When I could not do this then I became one of the walking wounded…..
    Only recently have I discovered that I need to take all my caretaking abilities and turn them towards myself…….I have been struggling with this.
    I feel selfish at times.
    This totally helps me to get my head around things….I feel more confident now that I can do this.

  2.  #2Goodheart on April 13, 2010 at 10:24 am

    “We cannot connect with someone who is disconnected from themselves”

    I was disconnected from myself for a very long time, only recently am I reconnecting. And I’ve met a lot of disconnected people in my life. Funny how you quickly recognize in other people the thing that you are healing.

  3.  #3Apple Jacks on April 13, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Wow! This post really hit home for me. It’s empowering to be able to see in our own selves (I mean me) where my own sadness might be coming from at times. I tend to get sad a lot. The core sadness hit home especially the animal rights part (I’m a huge animal sensitive). I remember also I signed up to volunteer for the Red Cross a few months ago and when all the stuff in Haiti was happening I felt really sad. It also felt really bad because I have not been able to go to the Red Cross much because I have not had gas money, UGH.

    Another thing though is the wounded sadness also is a part of me. Since I found Rori and Marie Forleo and all the like, I have gotten so much better at it but reading how all these types of sadnesses are broken down, I think it will become a lot more easy to manage it. I’m going to read this post five more times so it can sink in.

  4.  #4Apple Jacks on April 13, 2010 at 10:33 am

    Wow, Goodheart you described it in a nutshell! I identified completely with your post. I feel the same.

  5.  #5Goodheart on April 13, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Apple Jacks, I am the same way about animals. I get so upset it feels like someone is literally squeezing my heart. I now volunteer at the shelter & it actually helps me as I feel I’m doing something to help. I think I’ve had wounded sadness going on also & you know, I think most of us have. It’s all about acknowledging it & loving ourselves no matter what (because we are loveable, no?) & then we can heal it & let love in.

  6.  #6Lucy on April 13, 2010 at 11:11 am

    What a timely post. I am grieving the fact that TN man has stopped communicating with me. Today I have been feeling my feelings — and avoiding contacting him — and letting go of analyzing what happened — with the help of this Langston Hughes poem:

    I loved my friend.
    He went away from me.
    There’s nothing more to say.
    The poem ends
    Soft as it began-
    I loved my friend.



  7.  #7Apple Jacks on April 13, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Hi Goodheart,

    I feel really understood with how you described how you feel about animals. It’s sad. 🙁

    I also feel really relieved and light with what you said in the last two sentences, that we all experience wounded sadness and it’s all about acknowledging it and loving ourselves anyway, and I especially felt wonderful when you said because we are all loveable. That helped get me out of my head and put my heart into perspective, because I was triggered by acknowledging that in me and instinctually was judging myself. Thank you.

  8.  #8Apple Jacks on April 13, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Oh Lucy I’m going through the same thing….I gotta go cry again. That’s a poem and I love how I can identify with it and you.

  9.  #9Lucy on April 13, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Hugs, Apple Jacks. <3

    I needed to change the headline on my dating profile because it was no longer relevant, but I didn't know what to change it to, especially because of how I am feeling right now.

    So I did something that has probably never been done before in history. I made my heading: "Today I feel sad. 🙁 "

    But I kept the same happy smiling picture there — everyone who contacts me says "What a great smile!" — so it will be an interesting juxtaposition!

    I feel curious whether anyone will respond to it or it will keep everyone away!

    The rest of the profile is very upbeat, fun, and intriguing, so we'll see…..


  10.  #10Daria on April 13, 2010 at 11:34 am

    oh Lucy that poem fels so sad im cryingggg

  11.  #11Daria on April 13, 2010 at 11:41 am

    I hate when people leave MEEEEEee
    i feel soo saddddd
    of stories when people leaveeee

    it used to break my heart to hear love songsss

    theres still a lil bit



  12.  #12Lucy on April 13, 2010 at 11:51 am

    He is the only man who has ever left me.

    I don’t know what that means.

    Girl friends have left me — one through a “fight,” one through dying.

    But no man who I have connected with has ever left me before.

    Why him?

    Because he seemed so perfect for me?

    He was too good to be true?

    I can’t have what I really want?

    I would have been too happy if he had stayed?

    God forbid something wonderful should happen in my life. My life sucks, remember? That’s what everyone says.

    My life doesn’t suck. I love my life. I have amazing kids, a great house, loving friends, and so much more.

    But he was like a waterfall in my backyard. Or a little babbling brook running through my house. A little something extra that made my life sparkle a bit more. I miss his love.

  13.  #13Goodheart on April 13, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Lucy, you should be a poet. Your words make me sigh. A huge, but gentle sigh. You paint such a lovely feeling into my heart “waterfall in my backyard,” “babbling brook running through my house.”

    You CAN have what you really want. Of course you can. (I am also talking to myself here). No such things as “too happy.”

  14.  #14Apple Jacks on April 13, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    “But he was like a waterfall in my backyard. Or a little babbling brook running through my house. A little something extra that made my life sparkle a bit more. I miss his love.”

    This quote went straight to my heart. I know what you mean, Lucy.

    Daria, I hate it when people leave too. I have not experienced this caliber before, didn’t date when I was in school due to religious and cultural reasons so I am really new to this. But I feel towards him….how could you make me feel so exquisite and then abandon me?

    Intellectually I get it but my heart has not caught up to my head yet in this particular case.

    I’m getting there though. I did not sleep last night till 4:30 in the morning. This whole month if I am in bed I’m constantly tossing and turning. I feel I’m developing insomnia because of this. But last night I finally opened up to a friend who I used to work with and knows both and I. I held it in for so long fear of being judged and it was a pleasant surprise. She heard me, and even identified with me and didn’t judge me! I was so happy. I was feeling triggered all day yesterday and on Sunday when I started talking to everyone here, I had a break through and felt letting him go seemed possible. After last night, it seems even more possible now. I still get triggered and have moments of terribly missing and wanting him…but there’s also relief today. I’ll keep taking it one day at a time and stay in all of my feelings.

    Gosh I feel like all I really needed through all of this were female ears. It makes a big difference in how we women nurse one another back to health. It’s deep. It’s soul healing.

  15.  #15Lucy on April 13, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Thanks, Goodheart and Apple Jacks! I feel glad that you like my words. <3

  16.  #16Lucy on April 13, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    I love the way it feels to read this: “It makes a big difference in how we women nurse one another back to health. It’s deep. It’s soul healing.”

    I get a picture of Florence Nightengale nursing wounds on the battlefield.

  17.  #17Lucy on April 13, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Goodheart – Interestingly enough, one of the last convos I had with him was him exploring my past relationships and telling me that my unconscious definition of love seems to be something like, “I want it but I can’t have it” and he said, “So any time it seems too close to what you would really want, you have to find a way to sabotage it. Unconsciously, of course, so you can feel innocent about it.”

    Ironic, huh?

  18.  #18Lucy on April 13, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Which is why dating men I don’t want just reinforces the idea that I can have what I DON’T want but I can’t have what I DO want.

  19.  #19Apple Jacks on April 13, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Awww Lucy. I feel that you will get over these feelings really soon and you WILL get what you DO WANT. Deep down, I feel that you know it’s true. You’re just working through the cobwebs. 🙂

  20.  #20Goodheart on April 13, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Whoa, Lucy, that is me to a tee! If I don’t really want it I get it. When I really want it, I may get it but it goes away. Gotta rewire this thinking. I need an emotional electrician!

  21.  #21heartbeat on April 13, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    This post really resonates, and oh wow the comments feel beautiful and tender!

    I looked up inner bonding a few weeks back, someone here posted the link (thank you siren).

    Thank you Rori for selecting this part. I’m learning to just feeeel sad. To feel it in my body. That’s it’s ok to feeeeel sad, to miss him, to miss my sister, to not try and fix it.

    First sign I’m falling into a fixing habit – I feel anxious. Some thought is rattling around – maybe I should’ve done this, maybe I shouldn’t have done that. A thought that makes me wrong.

    I’ve done a lot of crying the past few weeks. Over time, it feel cleaner and clearer. I feel sad, I cry, I feel it in my body. It’s not a mind thing. And it passes fairly quickly now – I haven’t had a ‘bad day’ for ages. Sad hours, yes. I feel beautiful.

  22.  #22tinque on April 13, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    heartbeat – I’ve been away for a few days, but I wanted to be sure to tell you YES I am proud of you.

  23.  #23heartbeat on April 13, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Tinque – THANK YOU and every day I remember your support xxxx

  24.  #24Simply Shannon on April 13, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Lovin’ this post. Will be back.

    I feel scared at the moment. Made plans with Mr. Masculine Man for Friday and now headed to dinner with Mr. Fabulous Kisser. I feel dread knowing that Friday night will come up. Eck. Ok, go for honesty. “I have plans. It would feel good to see you another time though.” Fuck. I feel so scared. What the heck is this!?!

  25.  #25Ingrid on April 13, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Thank you for posting the inner bonding post describing the different types of sadness. It is so very interesting, have never heard this before anywhere. SOOOO interesting.

    Lucy: I feel so sad for you that this man left you, and that you are feeling the emptiness right now. I sure know the feeling, and it sucks. You will forget all about him when Mr. Right appears.
    Just know, if a man leaves, he doesn’t deserve YOU! My precious teenaged son told me this when my husband left me (emotionally) for a time. He said “Dad doesn’t even deserve you MOM”. This felt like a whole bunch of soft pink roses being placed right next to my heart…..

    You’ll find love again Lucy. Thank the “God of your understanding” ahead of time for the wonderful man He’ll bring into your life.

    I am learning and want to learn just HOW we can take care of ourselves better. I want to grow and be stronger and even KNOW what my feelings are. Sometimes I am not even aware what they are. As I said before anxiety plagues me a lot. This seems to be perhaps some other feelings that I am not in tune with and this is why the anxiety. Self discovery. I love to just “be” and not have to have everything all figured out all the time.

  26.  #26Aminata on April 13, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Heartbeat, I feel what you are saying about crying becoming cleaner and clearer.

    I missed my friend pretty badly when he left and I completely let go (he didn’t expect that!) Yet those bad feelings were mixed up with a lot of other things I was working to heal from: a history of abuse, self esteem issues, feeling overwhelmed with work, and having a feeling that one thousand people were pulling on me to give them attention and abandon myself (again) to take care of their needs when I really was just starting to take care of myself (including the man who went away!)

    So I was crying a lot. It felt clouded, mixed up with rage and sadness, confused about life. I felt like I would splinter into a million pieces.

    I made up this exercise for myself to express what i felt when I cried, a siren scream! At first I did it internally to express my frustration at things. Then I did it out loud in the woods. Then I did it to my sister! She laughed but she said she knew how I was feeling.

    Now if I’m sad, I cry but I feel strong about it, not like I’m going to fall apart. And I cry a whole lot less.

    I still miss my friend though. But instead of reaching for him because I know he doesn’t feel so great now (I was tempted to call him today. we still write occasionally) I just decided to do some things for myself! That feels so much better. The sadness just evaporates into hope for MY future.

  27.  #27dorothea on April 13, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    I feel sad and freaked out because I’m fairly certain I am either pregnant or have miscarried because of really weird sporadic bleeding and a retarded phase of unprotected sex i went through last month.

    imagine my poor sex partner’s shock and concern today when he was fingering me enthusiastically and ended up with blood and clots on his hands. first he thought he HURT me, and i had to tell him, no no i have actually had 2 periods this month and my body’s acting weird.

    i don’t have health insurance but i called the nurse hotline and they suggested i take a pregnancy test or consider that i may have been pregnant and have miscarried.

    i don’t know how to talk to him about this or if i even should…but i was at like the peak of my sexual awakening in that moment feeling SO GOOD and then it turned to a can of worms and totally sour when i started bleeding. so now i feel sad sad sad and i started crying a little because i was so hormonally heightened at the time.

    the bleeding has stopped since a few hours ago. i feel sad, dunno what to do.

  28.  #28Apple Jacks on April 13, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Dorothea don’t panic. First see what the test says and then we can consider all the options available. As soon as you know if you are or not, things will come together and become a lot clearer. For the time being, take advantage of us here. Don’t worry about DOING ANYTHING right now. Just feel what you feel. May I ask when you’ll be taking your pregnancy test? Please don’t panic, okay? We’re all here. 🙂

  29.  #29Simply Shannon on April 13, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    Oh Dorothea! That would feel awful. Even if it’s just a hormonal imbalance thing and not pregnancy. I’ve never felt comfortable being sexual when I’m bleeding. My last boyfriend “A” was the 1st guy I’d ever had sex with while menstruating. He didn’t mind it at all. Still felt kinda weird to me.

    Also, I’ve had two miscarriages (one at 6 weeks and one at 11 weeks). Are you feeling any pain, and if so, where? Any kind of cramping? I would probably feel anxious to know if I was (am) pregnant but scared to know all at the same time. I feel bad hearing this but can’t really gauge your reasons for feeling sad. Sad because it happened when it did or sad because it might be a miscarriage or sad because it might make things a little weird with your partner? Or something altogether?

    HUGS!!! If I can help you through this, I’m here. It is possible for you to bleed and still be pregnant too. Just thought I’d mention that. I bleed with all three of my pregnancies and obviously stayed pregnant with my last pregnancy.


  30.  #30gina on April 13, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    I just got done picking my skin, and I look bad. my skin was looking better, and now it looks bad. I’m grateful to know that it will heal. Im frustrated to realize that I am now even more tempted to pick at what I got all stirred up. I would rate this picking session at about a 7. I would like it if I never got above a 3 in terms of intensity and damage done.

    I’m hearing a lot from J (the 21 year old who got married eight months ago for citizenship) today he texted that he “feels like shit”. I asked if it was emotional or physical hurting. “Emotional” he said. I asked if it was something he wants to tell me, and he said that he didn’t want to scare me, that it has nothing to do with me, but it looks like he may be single soon. I said “hmm..sounds like a tough situation.” he said “No, I just don’t want to hurt her no more.” I said “you’re a good guy.” He said.”am not so what are you up to? I said “I respect that you are trying to do the right thing.” He said nothing. Later, I said “I feel bad for contributing to her hurting.” he said “what do you have to do with it?” I said “taking your time and attention.” he said “no that isn’t it.” then, he said that he can’t stop thinking about me, and he asked if he can see me tomorrow (to rollerblade or play racquetball) I couldn’t respond cause I was doing a true beauty workshop. He texted me several times, concerned about whether I was mad at him. Later, he said he feels bad for coming off as obsessive, and he said he didn’t want to bother me, “goodnight preciosa”. I said that I like to hear from him, but that I can’t always respond right away, and if I do actually feel angry, I will communicate. He thanked me for my honesty and we texted goodnight. Later we texted that we were thinking of each other.

    D, the CEO of the magazine called wanting to talk. But he was high, coming at me from left field with deep thoughts about how we should behave with the awesome team of people who are volunteering to help us make the magazine: he was saying we need to maintain distance from them and basically avoid fraternization. I felt defensive right away, cause I sensed that he was trying to tell me that i shouldn’t do what I did yesterday: I had a male team member, who appears to have a crush on me, over at my apartment for lunch to discuss the magazine. Also, I felt overwhelmed with his need for my attention. Cause it wasn’t just that he wanted to share basic information, he needed me to share in his excitement and enthusiasm. When I wasn’t as enthused as he anticipated, he confessed he was high. Which left me feeling even less impressed with his speech about how we need to maintain professional decorum with our “staff.”
    I felt frustrated that he needed me to be excited with him. With J (married 21 year old), so far, I feel so willing to just open my heart to him and gaze in his eyes and be sweet to him. With D, sometimes I feel rubbed the wrong way. But, overall, amazing things are happening with him and I value our relationship big time. Somehow I do need to work out our communication, or else he’s going to seek satisfaction elsewhere.

  31.  #31gina on April 13, 2010 at 10:50 pm

    A different guy, C, texted “so Shon told me that you think I’m a mean person…thanks Gina.” I said “I feel bad he said that to you – but that’s not what I think, and not what I said. I told Shon I feel nervous about the flashes of anger that I told you about” (he gets red and mean and nasty for a sec, and then he’s over it and perfectly fine – I hate it. We went on our first date the other day…everything felt fine, except a couple of bitter moments.) He said “really? like what?” I said I didn’t feel like picking it apart, but that the next time I felt bad, I would tell him in the moment. He said he was really hurt that I said I didn’t feel safe with him – that it was the worst thing any girl ever said about him. And that he was mostly hurt that I felt unsafe and wouldn’t tell him what it was. so I said “ when you said ‘what DO you know??” when I was unsure about the 10$ guacomole. It felt like a punch, and I felt like leaving for a moment.” He never responded…

  32.  #32Daria on April 14, 2010 at 12:48 am

    I have Alana Pratt – she of Rori guest post and inteview fame – as my business coach and i must say she ROCKS.

    The sessions are NOT what i expected at all. They are basically going donw in there and doing inner bonding meeting my stranger work. and then stuff about my business comes out.

    and i have so much energy! i feel so much like doing for my business!

    my blocks are just dissolving.

    VERY nice

    i feel joyful

    I sent in my approval to consolidate my bills, I’m feeling fearless

    im gonna manifest somewhere to live!

    i feel GOOD

    i’ve only had 2 sessions!

  33.  #33Daria on April 14, 2010 at 12:50 am

    Mary I know we split the book and i wound up on her email — so her assistant gave me a call to sign me up for a free consultation with her.

    I feel guilty that you missed out on it! I would definitely give her a call – I’m so glad i signed up. I feel supported!

    she soes life relationship and business coaching…

  34.  #34Daria on April 14, 2010 at 1:24 am

    Also I wanna remember to find out what tht “membership thingy ” was that came with the book… maybe thats wat it was that she would call

  35.  #35Tina on April 14, 2010 at 3:17 am

    I feel annoyed at others wounded sadness, or when I see it as a form of manipulation grrrrrrrrr. I guess what it is, is I cant make them be happy no matter what I do. I feel annoyed that I have been manipulated then I back off. So if I start to feel anger, frustration then I know I’m being manipulated into taking responsibility for their wounded sadness, if I can get pass the anger then I can embrace my own core sadness. 🙂

    So is it core sadness or wounded sadness if I see my ex and have a sad feeling? I guess it doesnt really matter huh? He’s not a wounded starving puppy? omg speaking of wounded starving puppies, I was driving down the road, a dirt road to my moms house and I saw a little white puppy in my rear view mirror chasing my car, the little guy was running full blast to catch up with my car, I thought awe cute, then never thought much of the puppy until I left out of my moms house, and there he was awe, all happy to see me. Anyway, I took the puppy home and kept him.

  36.  #36Simply Shannon on April 14, 2010 at 7:00 am

    Tina: I’d like to figure out this core sadness thingy around my ex too. I still think about A (the guy who cheated on me last year). I still feel sadness about it. So I’m trying to switch it because he ain’t coming back and I want to heal this.

    I’m trying to think of the things about him that I want and then the things about him that I definitely did not want. I want to write these down so that in black and white I can see what was reality. When I’m in my head, I’m just thinking about all of the good stuff and none of the bad.

    And the sadness for me is fear. Fear that (even if the moment didn’t last) that I won’t have those really feel good moments again. And that even if I do, they won’t last.

    Blech. My heart hurts just thinking about that. Serious limiting belief right there.

  37.  #37dawn on April 14, 2010 at 8:16 am

    Simply Shannon, I keep a journal. Black and white makes sense to me too. When I started I wrote my thoughts . I now write my feelings. It feels really good to go back a year and see how differently I feel now . Very cathartic, very self supporting.

  38.  #38Linda on April 14, 2010 at 8:17 am

    Hi all

    Sometimes these topics make my head spin. It often takes me time to let it sink in. Funny I often see things and can catagorize things in others before myself. I have been reading and catching up. bUT… I will say that I am well acquainted with “CORE SADNESS”

    Tina –I would have so picked up that puppy too!

    I grew up with NO… you cant have this or that. The reason was, we cant afford it, etc. I wanted to take piano lessons when I was little and told that my aunt could teach me!… OMG I was deathly afraid of her, (she was a retired mean school teacher with bad breath who always was correcting me)!!! Needless to say I passed on that!…. Animals were given away because of they an inconvenience or some other mistake they made… the reasons varied. . My feelings of attachment were never important enough to put up with a dog who had an accident in the basement.

    I realize reading this that I became accustomed early in life with the feeling that “no one really cared about me” NOT REALLY. I had/have a un nurturing mom…my dad who is passed now was a lecturer and distant. I never felt important or invested in because I was valued. My marriage was similar. I just felt SAD.

    As an adult…I have expended effort in acquiring and maintaining the missing things in my childhood. I learned to play piano in my 30’s…have had dogs until they died and have invested in my children because they needed to know that they were loved just because and important at personal sacrifice of myself. I feel that there are times in our lives when things like that are called for. It is like sewing seeds and there are times for planting a reaping…THere are ways to right the wrongs in our lives whether we provide them for ourselves or someone else gives them. BUT… there were/are are things that I need and want in my life that require having that man.. that relationship… in my life. I SIMPLY want to share my life with that special someone.

    I am glad to have the information about overfunctioning from here. I have used this in all my relationships. I am a giver and doer by nature but I recognize the difference in the motivation of my giving and directing. I understand myself better and feel better equiped to navigate relationships and life now. I am not saying that I am getting it right all the time but I am aware now of things that I was clueless about and that knowledge is empowering.

    I used to always feel unimportant, mis-understood and unvalued in all my relationships. I know where this came from. My childhood was a great breeding ground for sadness… All I have ever wanted is to have someone to really care…and FEELreally cared for by someone for me and not what I do am or can do…myth or not, … I always felt like if I could just meet that right person all this stuff inside would be ok.. but …even after I met a man who I was deeply emotionally connected with (long distance) and was like that (waterfall and babbling brook in my life) and then he just cut off his communication with me and married another woman even though he did not love her…. I was not better but worse inside it made me worse inside!… Later after I seperated from my husband, I met a man who rocked my world and I fell deeply IN LOVE with him he treated me like a queen, our relationship EXCEEDED my wildest dreams. What we experienced together, very satisfying and more. After 2 years he pulled away suddenly… said he was not in love with me, but after him telling me that everyday for 2 years….I was devistated my external validation and finally feeling valued… poof! I seriously wanted to die to make it better. I was worse so much worse and everything seemed to reinforce the sadness in me. I did not feel like a victim so to speak maybe I was thinking unconciously like that.

    Lots of things in my history has created woundeness in me. Everyone we meet has their share. I just had to realize the I had to love me, give to me, stand up for me, validate me and even though I was not aware that I was doing this… I have been on a self-validating, healing journey all my life. THe two huge losses in my life (concerning love and passion ) that ended beyond my control… taught me to not look for a relationship to make it all better now.. I have to be better now and am working on it every day. Letting go of my sadness, at my own doing or not and embracing it too has brought me to this clearing in the woods. I still see more trees ahead but right now I can feel the sunshine on my face and hear the birds singing and see possibility and hope instead of looking for someone to make it all better I am making it better. (using things I have learned here and listening to my inner heart and the spirit that resides inside).

    There are lots of elements that have brought me to this new place. My faith, this blog and community, loss, grief, tears, an internal shift of my self speak.. just to name a few. It all started with me painting myself with love instead of what I used to paint myself with which made me ugly inside and out!.

    I see so many people with the same stuff.. men and women alike. I have compassion and empathy, but do not feel like it my obligation to make it better for them like I used to. That is very freeing. We are all wounded in some way the thing is I just became tired of feeling like that was my identity. I still want to share my life with a great guy and feel wonderful but this other stuff had to come first for me. I am adicted to peace right now. Even if someone tries to suck it out of me… (me included)… I am not hanging there.

    Hugs.. Linda

  39.  #39Turtle Girl on April 14, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Dearest Linda-

    Your story resonates with me and others on this blog. We are all trying to heal to varying degrees. Just you willingness to share this with us I am sure contributes to your being better. It is part of the soft outside strong inside stuff that happens.

    From the bottom of my heart I can say, I have never met you, but I can feel you and know you through your writing and you are loved. I applaud you from opening up and making the steps in the journey. I respect you for your choice to honor your kids, care for animals and not become hard or bitter-which many do after painful childhoods. I beleive this is what happened to my ex man. He had some stuff and made the decision to become stone an dice so as to never let anyone hurt him again, at of course, a great price, sacrificing himself. *sigh* We can not fix another as you say. We can not love another back to health if they have abandoned themselves.

    You are a beautiful goddess Linda-be well. xxxxooo

  40.  #40Lucy on April 14, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Wow, Linda. SO much powerful stuff in what you wrote! Thank you for sharing your journey. It is very similar to mine — the unhappiness of childhood that I seem to carry still as a sign on my back: “Come make me unhappy. First make me feel great with promise of Spring, then take it away so I feel sad again.”

  41.  #41gina on April 14, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    speaking of wounded sadness, I feel like smoking pot, but I am not going to do it.

  42.  #42Lucy on April 14, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Daria is going to smoke pot with my kids when we swap houses. 😀

  43.  #43Apple Jacks on April 14, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Linda, you’re so beautiful.

    I feel quite concerned for Dorothea…have not heard from you. Please let us know you’re alright.

    I have a very sensitive question I’d like to ask…if someone bleeds during sex, how would you clean it up? Would it be very messy?

    I’m sorry I just don’t have much expereince in it. I have a condition called Vaginismus. It’s a condition where the vagina just contracts and causes pain just at the thought of something getting inserted in there. The only time I tired to have sex, long time ago…it hurt so much, I don’t believe he was able to penetrate me, at least not all the way. I remember the doctor telling me that it seems my hymen may still be intact. This makes me fearful of having it with anyone. What if I do bleed and he freaks out? How do I deal with that? How much would I bleed and…my head spins at all this!

    As I have mentioned I have had a very strict sexual upbringing so this I am sure is a big contributing factor to what I’m experiencing….but if anyone has any suggestions, I am wide open to hearing them. thank you.

  44.  #44Lucy on April 14, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    Apple Jacks, I just have a minute then I gotta run, but wanted to say . . . If your hymen is still intact then there probably will be some bleeding the first time it is broken through, which is normal.

    I am remembering what Erika said recently, about not having sex until she is married . . . The great thing about waiting til then is that you then have a precious relationship where you feel loved and cherished and can explore your sexuality within that safety … and you don’t have to worry about he’ll react cuz here’s there for you.

    Just a thought. 🙂 I’m sure others will see it differently. Tinque may give you all sorts of tips for exploring your body by yourself, which is great too.


  45.  #45tinque on April 14, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    AJ – First and foremost you need to teach yourself how to relax. You need to find the areas in your body where you hold aside from your feefee.
    If you have vaginismus, then you are holding.
    It takes time and patience to learn to unwind these areas. It can be done. A sexual healer would be awesome for you. If you are still in CA, I know an amazing woman.
    If you bleed during sex whether you are on your cycle or because you have broken your hymen, any decent man will not make a big deal out of it at all. A good man will be sensitive to your concerns.
    If you tend to be a heavy bleeder during your period, then put towels down. If you are not, chances are it will only get on your legs a bit, maybe your butt, and on him. No biggie. Go get a towel, or better yet, jump in the shower together.

  46.  #46tinque on April 14, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    “you then have a precious relationship where you feel loved and cherished and can explore your sexuality within that safety ”
    You can have this whether you wait until marriage or not. It depends on the man of course.
    With K sex opened up for me in a whole new way, mostly because of my desire to explore this, but I wanted to explore it with him. I had no idea it could be so amazing, and still it grows and changes.

  47.  #47Apple Jacks on April 14, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    lol, I like the last suggestion. Unfortunately I am not still in cali. I’m in Dallas. 🙁 I really felt it would be great to see a sexual therapist or the like…just don’t have the money.

  48.  #48Apple Jacks on April 14, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Yes I’m 32 and I just may not want to wait till marriage anymore. At first I thought I did but I never seemed to want to GET married. I encountered one wonderful man who would have been great to explore with…but he was married so my luck wasn’t great there. BUt I want to know in case I find someone I want to be with in that way in the future. I know that this is a source of block for me so I want to clear it up now. Also, I have been feeling myself really having urges to explore sexually, so my intuition tells me that I just might be able to attract that attention so to speak.

  49.  #49tinque on April 14, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Aj – I understand. There is so much you can do on your own to teach yourself how to let go, relax, find the areas you hold unconsciously or not. There is SO much you can explore on your own so that when a man worthy of you comes along, you won’t feel insecure or nervous or whatever. Well you may feel a little nervous. I always did with a new person, but your level of confidence will smooth the way. no pun intended.

  50.  #50Rori Raye on April 14, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Apple Jacks – I suppose one day I’ll have to tell my story, but let me just say this…I do not regret one single sexual encounter I ever had. Not even if it ended in hurt and humiliation. I look back now and see that I learned something, I got something I wanted at the time (even if what I wanted was hurt and humiliation). I realize that health issues demand serious logistical, plastic protection – and still – you can get SO MUCH from adding sex (all variations and degrees of it) to your life. There is no trigger like the sex trigger – and if you look at exploring sex in this way…and take everything slow and with feeling GOOD in mind and heart…you’ll have some wonderful experiences to work with personal-growth-wise (even the “iffy” ones). Nothing works quite like sex to discover your inner and outer strengths, your boundaries, your ability to surrender. Anyway, that’s how I see it (and I would say that to my daughter, also…). Love, Rori

  51.  #51Rori Raye on April 14, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    Apple Jacks – a big part of the problem is “trigger points.” You can work them yourself with your own fingers – press the tissues of your vagina against the bones, go slow and easy at first – you’ll encounter the pain and the points where the pain is. Because trigger points send pain to nerves elsewhere – you’ll see how it’s all interconnected. And the contracting muscles can be worked as Tinque says, with your mind and energy and relaxation techniques. I say go get yourself a nice pretty dildo (not vibrating) and work with it, slowly, and your fingers, too. Vaginas are not all that delicate – we think they are, and it feels so to us – but actually – they’re hugely muscled, can expand amazingly, and can take quite a lot of action, even infections, and regenerate quickly, once they get used to it. Hymens are often broken through strong physical exercise, or stretching and stretching from tampons and using your fingers… if your doctor isn’t giving you a solution – knowledge will erase your anxiety – find another one. There are some great internal massagers out there who can help you unknot those muscles. Good luck! Love, Rori

  52.  #52tinque on April 14, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Something that is important to keep in mind about the vagina. We as women hold everything therein, all our hurts and traumas which manifest as tight, sore, numb, cold, hot areas inside. It’s a wonder we orgasm at all, and many don’t.
    The potential for sensation within our bodies including the vagina is seemingly limitless. Mine continues to surprise me all the time, but I took a lot of time, and I had a great desire to explore all of this.
    For most of us, it doesn’t just happen.

  53.  #53dorothea on April 14, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    Hello Sirens, thank you for your concern. I took a test and it is negative. I got a second job so I could afford a sonogram to see what is going on in there. I have a cyst issue and that could be part of it.

    But, judging on how my body has been acting and the consistency of the “blood” yesterday, I think I may have miscarried. I FEEL JUST FINE.

    i felt bad and sad when I posted my comment yesterday, and humiliated and gross in his eyes. But he surprised me at the end of my work day with a visit because he wanted to make sure I was feeling ok after such a fucked up encounter with him. He is so sweet. He wins.

    So today I feel GOOD. I almost feel glad that shit happened yesterday because it showed me how GOOD i have it right now. He steps up a little more every day. *Swoon*

  54.  #54Apple Jacks on April 14, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    *smile* I’m so flad you’re okay Dorothea.

    Rori and Tinque thank you so much for your informative posts. I especially needed to hear the part where you Rori, said that vaginas are actually very strong and stronger than we think. Last time I went to see a doctor when he told me that was in fact ten years ago. I do not have health insurance so I’m unable to see one right now. How mush does a dildo cost?

    I don’t know why but I do very physical exercises and intense yoga but I wonder why the darn thing didn’t just break already! I’ve been wanting to take up horse back riding, not only for the definate break but also because I want to….but it’s very expensive right now. I try fingering it, but I contract so much and get uncomfortable. I’ll keep trying. This also gave me an idea of going to a shop and which friend I can take with me. Lord knows I need some sex ed.

    But then here’s another question to pose. I hear a lot about men not liking looseness and all of that, wouldn’t fingering and using toys loosen it too much? Sorry if the question sounds ignorant.

  55.  #55Apple Jacks on April 14, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    I realize now that when it comes to sex and sexuality I am always in my head and not in my feelings. I have come a long ways, but my head still tends to win the battle over my feelings and I want to get that under control.

  56.  #56dorothea on April 14, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    AJ, I feel really excited because I feel it in my gut that you are going to look back on this one day soon and marvel at how great sex can be.

    My current position on the sexuality board game is trying to feel really really comfortable in my own skin. You know, Not feeling like particular “flaws” on me equate to my somehow being less worthy of sexual gratification. I have a tendency to escalate heaviness (go from caressing and kissing straight to sex) or shift the focus to HIS pleasure and away from mine whenever i feel triggered about one of my “flaws” in a sexual encounter. This is a stifling and terrifying energy that men can sense without realizing it.

    You and me are both gonna be reborn (or perhaps for us, simply BORN for the first time) and i feel really good about how great it’s going to be!

  57.  #57tinque on April 14, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    AJ – “wouldn’t fingering and using toys loosen it too much? ”
    No. Oh no, not in the least. The goal for you is to loosen up much more in all ways. The vagina is enormously flexible and mutable. You carry too much tension which you need to let go of.
    You need to find and release the areas within you including your vagina which hold trauma and thus tension or numbness.
    I don’t like to promote on Rori’s site even though she encourages me to, but this stuff is the core of my work. May I suggest you visit my site via clicking on my name or photo and reading some of the articles I’ve written pertaining to all of this.
    There’s just too much to cover here in a comment post.

  58.  #58tinque on April 14, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    dorothea – As for your situation. It’s like this. It’s REALLY easy for most men to get off. It’s not usually so easy for women.
    A good men will want to make sure you are being pleasured, that you orgasm, first I might add, and he will take his pleasure through yours.
    It needs to be about YOU. Just like all this other work here.

  59.  #59Simply Shannon on April 14, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Dorothea: Very relieved to read you are feeling okay!

  60.  #60Rori Raye on April 14, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    Yes, All – I DO encourage you to visit Tinque –, call her, make use of her, get coaching from her. She is the ONLY person I know who knows what she knows and can do what she does, and has the emotional and sexual relationship to prove it and has accomplished this amazing feat of healing herself right in front of my eyes. On top of it, she does herbs and tinctures and lovely things with oils. I personally think Tinque is going to be huge, and I’m pushing her to do a teleclass while she’s still accessible – she’s also completely selfless and will send you elsewhere if she can’t help you….Love, Rori

  61.  #61Rori Raye on April 14, 2010 at 7:23 pm

    Wow, Dorothea — this is so cool! Love, Rori

  62.  #62Rori Raye on April 14, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    Apple Jacks – start with the fingering and contracting. Use my Sensual Meditation from the ebook, and just breathe through it. Little by little, you’ll be able to stay open for longer…and if you work the trigger points (if it hurts – you’ve found them…good for you) – everything will change for you…Love, Rori

  63.  #63Siena on April 14, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Fuck ladies, I feel so angry right now I could scream!

    Why did I take his stupid phone call? Because I feel lonely, and the thought of talking to him was better than the thought of talking to one of the strangers on my voicemail.

    Phone call went:
    Me: I’m feeling drained (or something like that, I feel so angry I can’t even remember what I said)

    Him: I need to get my tires changed. I’m so pissed how expensive they are. I just broke up with my girlfriend, why does this always happen to me… she said she loves me, and you know the sex was great and I think that’s why I stayed… and on and on and on and on…

    Why do I feel so angry at him? I broke up with him! He’s a fucker with a tiny penis. So small, it can’t even be called a penis. It’s really just a peni. The man has a peni. First time I saw it I felt like saying, “and what are we supposed to do with that?”

    But I didn’t. I stayed and let him fuck with me. Because what kind of woman leaves because he has a pinky peni?

    I feel really angry that he’s even in my life. I look at him and wonder what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me that I have this type of man as an ex? And why won’t he leave me alone? Why do I even take his calls anymore?

    He laughed when I told him that M and I broke up. Asshole.

    I feel embarrassed that he was ever a boyfriend! And that I actually thought for a time that there was something there! What does this say about me?

    And I feel really pissed that he calls me to commiserate about how it is to be single. I’M NOTHING LIKE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!

    I feel deep in my diaphragm like something needs to come out. arrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

    Can I NOT use this man as my therapist and just never ever talk to him ever ever again?

  64.  #64tinque on April 14, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    I’m sorry Siena, I’m laughing out loud over your eeny weeny peeny man.
    He’s a sad man my dear, clueless.
    May I ask you not to waste your anger on such a sad man?
    Okay feel your anger, your hurt, and whatever else your feel, but please let him go now.
    Beautiful lady that you are. He’s not worth your energy.

  65.  #65Siena on April 14, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    I know Tinque!! That’s why I feel so pissed! Because he’s not worth my anger and yet I feel angry at him!! And I’m laughing at his pinky peni too. It really is tragically small! I feel angry at myself that I ever sank so low. Or that I still look to him for comfort even though he’s never provided it.

  66.  #66tinque on April 14, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    Well how about looking deeper Siena. Maybe this isn’t about him anymore but about something else he is triggering. There seems to be a wounded piece of you being probed right now (definitely no pun intended).
    And as an aside, when “they” say size doesn’t matter, it’s how you use it, I don’t think so. There is such a thing as too big, and there is too small. I’ve experienced both. There’s also just right.
    Kind of like Goldilocks and The Three Bears.

  67.  #67Siena on April 14, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Hmmm… I wonder what the wounded part of me it is that he’s activating? I can’t even write “probed” in relation to him, bc believe me, there was no probing involved!

    More like hide and seek. 😉

  68.  #68Lucy on April 14, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    Siena — like Tinque said, I would ask myself “What in my past felt like this? When did I feel anger like this?” — even back to early childhood, to find the initial wound that is being mirrored/repeated/triggered by this guy.


  69.  #69Lucy on April 14, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    And, I always wondered about the stories you hear of teeny weeny peenies — I thought maybe they were myths, cuz I’ve never met one. Lol.

    I agree that size matters. Heck yeah!

    But I feel guilty for feeling that way cuz the poor guys can’t help it.

  70.  #70softy on April 14, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Hi Dorothea, me too has cyst issue due to hormonal imbalance. as I cant take hormone pills. My gynae got to give me standby progesterone. If my menses delay with sharp pain either on both side lower abdomen i’ll be worried it will be the cyst growing inside.

    You can try by alternative way with chinese method by consuming this pill they call it “wu ji bai feng wan”

  71.  #71Ingrid on April 14, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    OMG====such talk~ (I feel embarrassed) but remember a good friend used to refer to her ex boyfriend as “pencil dick”. This made me crack up.

    My h in his “mid life crisis” is all of a sudden concerned with his “size”. It’s hysterical. He’s bought some supplements from the health food store and everything. I think it’s ridiculous, and told him so too. If it makes him feel more “manly”, OK then. lol.

  72.  #72Siena on April 14, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    My first boyfriend was really big. I felt afraid and it hurt! I thought that was normal (his size, that is). I haven’t encountered one that big since. So I guess I’ve seen the whole spectrum too!

    I find myself almost preoccupied with wondering how big a man is when I first start dating him. Because I don’t want to get too invested emotionally and then discover it’s “not just right”. Hmmm, maybe that’s something I need to get over?

  73.  #73Apple Jacks on April 14, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    *Giggle* I’m laughing at Siena’s “it’s not a penis, it’s really just a peni” comment too.

    Dorothea, I felt so loved and cared for when I read your post. I hope you’re right that this will be an openning for us both. I can’t right now help but feel like it’s still a long shot and frusterated. Sexual frustration I guess is what I’m feeling.

    Tinque I will be sure to visit your site. And of course thanks to Rori for the tips and TLC on this issue. I feel like calling you mommy Rori, lol.

  74.  #74Lucy on April 14, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    Gee, Siena, now you’ve given me something to worry about on my dates too! My guys have always been right around the same size, kinda average I assume.

    Okay, so this is even MORE reason why TN man has to be the one for me — even though we’ve never met, I confess that he did send me a naughty pic and it looks like he’s perfecto in that department.

    So, God, did ya hear that? He’s the one for me, yep, he is. Thank you for realizing that and sending him my way. Amen. Love, Lucy.

  75.  #75Lucy on April 14, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    “Mommy Rori” – I love that, awww. Sometimes I think that’s how she must feel — like she’s got this house full of daughters, and sometimes they get along and sometimes they fight, and she teaches them stuff and nurtures them and gives tough love, etc.

  76.  #76Tina on April 14, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    Lucy, I always ask 🙂

  77.  #77Ingrid on April 14, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Have a little here ladies:

    If you ever wonder how big a man’s ____ is, look at his fingers, and his hands. There is a correlation. LOL

  78.  #78Ingrid on April 14, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    I meant I have a little secret here ladies……HA

  79.  #79Siena on April 14, 2010 at 10:58 pm

    Tinque, Lucy, I just realized that my anger at pinky peni is the same way I feel about my mom at times. I feel unheard and like I can never get a word in edgewise. We can talk for 30 minutes, 5 of which I talk during. The other 25 are about her, my dad, my brothers, the church.

    I wasn’t really with my family from the age of 12 on bc I was in the studio training to be a classical ballerina. She would come into my classes with me (God! I had forgotten that!). So it was me and the other 15 year olds and then my 40-something mother – taking the ballet class!

    I just discovered a few months ago that I learned to not speak my feelings in my childhood home. I couldn’t, because hers were the only ones that were allowed! (or so I thought) She & my dad had a tumultuous relationship. Full of drama and yelling. And they had a lot of kids. So there was no room in that little house for me.

    I love my mom. I know she did the best she could with what she had. But I’m still carrying this stuff around! How do I get rid of it?

  80.  #80Siena on April 14, 2010 at 11:01 pm

    …and I was angry at pinky peni today because I felt unheard by him. I spoke my feelings and he started a litany of his own crap, without even acknowledging what I said… Like my mom can do…

  81.  #81Daria on April 15, 2010 at 12:13 am

    I felt unheard by my past lover too! who is now calling me and took my suggestion to go check out a training center

    i told him i feel unheard on the phone

    he calls me and then yawns
    then talks about himself

    i tell him im feeling not paid attention to

    hes like well im jsut soiething

    i didnt feel good

    i said it like 3 times then i told him im gonna get off the phone

    i did surrogate EFT fro him for feeling lonely and seeing me as a listening ear and stuff.

  82.  #82Tina on April 15, 2010 at 4:12 am

    I have an allergy to something in pads, I started my period and I used pads, I wore it for about an hour and started to itch like crazy 🙁 tampons are good, I dont seem to have any itching with using tampons. Thats my complaint for the day 🙂

  83.  #83Tina on April 15, 2010 at 4:57 am

    I caught my brain playing out a tragic romance with 1 1/2 yr man. Well it wasn’t so bad this time. This time I set up the scene where I had “the job” it’s very high paying job , I’m still not feeling excited by the possibility of getting it ,I wont find out for a few more weeks but anyway, I;m working at the office and we have a ‘talk” I walk away and almost shed a tear lol. People are rooting for us, like gossip magazine material hehe. He’s very handsome in real life but yeah, after my crying, weird “speech” he walked away lol, then he since got involved with a drug addict, she sleeps with men for whatever, money blah blah blah, he has since lost his appeal to me and other women who found him attractive. I havnt done that for awhile. I get all wrapped up in my “movie” then he loses his appeal for me. It’s like it goes along so smooth then like a scratched record comes to a stop. I feel good about it. It’s like at the end of the movie where Jennifer Aniston meets Vince after the break up. All my relationships ended badly, this one didnt hm…
    What I mean is my needs were not being met but the breakup wasnt bad as in arguments.
    I would love to find some kind of happy medium 🙂 the more I lean back the more ‘truckman” leans forward, it drives me crazy, I dont know if Im just a ‘free spirit” or Im afraid of intimacy haha, who knows? or I need a lot of space like living space. I went to my neighbors house last night (he has big fingers lol) I borrowed a shovel so I can make a fire pit in my backyard. I was out at 2am making a plan for the pit.

  84.  #84Tina on April 15, 2010 at 5:06 am

    I was out looking for raccoons at midnight with my flashlight too god I feel like im going crazy haha, my skin is feeling really sensitive these days, I had a reaction the laundry soap grr, its powder, I dont usually buy that brand but my bra straps are making my shoulders itch grrrrrrr. I have an allegry to powdered laundry detergent and pads 🙁

  85.  #85Tina on April 15, 2010 at 5:22 am

    I cleaned out the tomato garden I started last year at this time, I raked the spot for my rose bushes, I started last year hm. what do people do at this time of morning, go to work I suppose, I need a nap bbl.

  86.  #86dawn on April 15, 2010 at 5:42 am

    Tina , you are awesome ! I feel good knowing im not the only goddess who knows how to use a shovel. I bought this little house with a huge back yard. Id always wanted a pond , waterfall etc… I dug the pond by hand (6x4x4 ) It turned out exactly as I wanted ! The ground is warming up I best go find my shovel !

  87.  #87Linda on April 15, 2010 at 6:12 am

    Tina you made me smile. Itching is not fun but the firepit and shovel at 2AM… yep something I would do, only I have my own shovel. LOL

    Turtle Girl.. thanks for ackowledging and affirmations. It helps to know that we have co-journers. Each thing I discover the more room I make for happiness AND peace to take over. The more peace I feel the less willing I am to trade it for drama, or pain, or unhapiness or let anyone in my life that doesnt add to it or me.

    Lucy – hus to you…take the sign off your back, and write the message you want there. Refuse to wear it, relizing it is there is a great big step toward destroying its message in your heart.

    Hugs to you Linda

  88.  #88dawn on April 15, 2010 at 6:15 am

    I havent seen or heard from ” my little round man ” in 6 months. I suppose thats it ! All in all i feel proud of myself i stuck with my heart. I took my head out of it and carried on. I vowed to never spend another holiday alone. 2010 my year ! he is 8 yrs younger than me and an alchoholic. I got sucked into the drinking thing too and drank very heavy for 6 years. I was still drinking when i came to siren island, but realised straight away that it wasnt serving me. I couldnt feel anything. I was numb. It made me sad. I resented him not only for what it was doing to me but for what it was doing to me. We never had the “drunken ” fights though . For that im grateful ! I dont feel the need to drink to stuff my feelings anymore. I can have a drink or two and then leave it. I am an alchoholic who by luck came across this site and will be forever grateful for the love here that literally saved my life !

  89.  #89dawn on April 15, 2010 at 6:29 am

    I never had the nerve before to say Im an alchoholic .

  90.  #90DocK on April 15, 2010 at 7:27 am

    I got a blast email from Lord & Taylor with the subject line “looking for something young and fresh?” I started cracking up because all that I have been meeting lately are “young and fresh” – but wouldn’t it be nice if you could just order it up from a website? (I feel tickled).

  91.  #91DocK on April 15, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Dawn – feeling your bravery. Thank you.

  92.  #92dawn on April 15, 2010 at 8:10 am

    Rori is the Goddess Whisperer !

  93.  #93Siena on April 15, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Daria, the doing EFT for him seems very compassionate of you! I feel the peace in your post… awesome!

    I feel relieved that I understand where yesterday’s anger came from. So…

    Thank you pinky peni. Well done. You may now exit stage left, our scene together is done. My leading man is about to make his entrance, and it’s just he and I from here on out. You really did an incredible job! Bravo! Perhaps I’ll see you after the curtain falls. Thanks again!!

  94.  #94tinque on April 15, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Siena – YAY for you. “How do I get rid of it?” Being aware of it is the hugest piece. You WILL know next time this is being triggered in you. And you employ whatever tools work for you to feel better, and bit by bit you heal.

  95.  #95Siena on April 15, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Dawn, what a beautiful post, “I am an alchoholic who by luck came across this site and will be forever grateful for the love here that literally saved my life !”

    I agree. There’s magic here. It feels strange to find it on the Internet…

    I also love what you wrote in another post, ” sometimes when things take longer than you thought they would, its just a gentle reminder from your greater self, that you have more time than you thought, and that there is a journey to enjoy.”

    It feels so good to have plenty of time and a journey to enjoy!

  96.  #96Siena on April 15, 2010 at 9:05 am

    {smiles} thanks Tinque 😉

  97.  #97Goodheart on April 15, 2010 at 9:39 am

    omgoodness, you ladies are all over the place since last I left you (only yesterday) – middle of the night raccoon hunts & fire pit digging, feeling unheard, & weehaw sizes. And I only have a few minutes to catch up before I’m off again.

    About feeling unheard – damn that’s a big one for me. I mean literally, someone will say the exact same thing I just said right the hell after I’ve just said it like they’ve never heard it before! I’m like, um, doesn’t that sound the teensiest bit familiar? This happens all the damn time to me and by all different people. Maybe I need to SHOUT!

    The phone conversation you had, Siena, with pinky peni (which got a belly laugh from me btw, as did Dawn’s “my little round man” – you girls!) reminds me of a friend of mine who monopolizes all our convos. She goes on & on & never stops to see if anyone else has a comment. And she carries around this bitterness from a relationship from 30 years ago! Mama mia. But it really makes me aware of how I talk. Knowing her has made me release the past & let go of the feelings so I’m not stuck. And it makes me so sad to see that she is not even ready to get past herself yet. She is 10 years older than me. This makes me thankful I found you all & you can virtually slap me if I put on my pity-party hat without any thought to healing (just being content in bitching, which is what I feel my friend is).

  98.  #98Goodheart on April 15, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Although sometimes I content to just bitch… 🙂

  99.  #99Simply Shannon on April 15, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Dawn: Ditto on the numbing myself with alcohol. I have a hard time saying “I’m an alcoholic” but I definitely have those tendencies (blackouts, etc.) when I drink. Brava to you for your bravery!!

  100.  #100Simply Shannon on April 15, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Tina: How do you feel around Truckman? I feel curious because I’m doing the same thing. Got Mr. Fab Kisser leaning forward (at least he was) but I wasn’t feeling good. Like I was just along for the ride with them. Nothing special.

  101.  #101Ingrid on April 15, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Simply Shannon:

    I love hearing about your Mr. Fabulous Kisser! LOL.

    Kissing really speaks volumes don’t you think?

  102.  #102Lucy on April 15, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Siena — LOVE IT — #93!!!

    Daria- surrogate EFT on him! Woohoo! I read that on my phone in bed last night and followed your lead. Awesome!

    Yay! I can see Goodheart now!! You are adorable!

  103.  #103Hurting on April 15, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I can relate to this but not sure what to do to overcome my grief and sadness. I had stayed 3 months with someone while i was seeking medical treatment. I had a two year online relationship with him prior to staying with him. I suffer from extreme health problems but he loved me anyway. At least initailly but my health deteriorated.I went and did some procedures that worseend my condition and I was an emotional wreck and crying and tears from the suffering and more damage inflicted to me. He didnt know how to comfort me. I wanted him to hold me. I had to ask him to hold me. My first week stayng with him was so beautfiul but by this time he didnt want to have anything to do with me. I was getting much better with other treatments and there was hope for a complete recovery untl this final proceudre set me back so much I dont know if it is possible to recover. Its all my fault. I should never have done it. I thought it woudl help my codntioin.He just wanted me to go home. I felt so abandoned and utterly depressed and devastated. My only reason for hanging on for the past 2 years was to get better and be wtih him and have my life back. My family was unsupportive. I lost my freinds beasue they knew me as the healty funloving person I used to be. I had nobody in my life except him. I admit I have been a nervjous hysterical mess the past year or so and it got really bad when I stayed with him and things went wrong. THere’s so much more to the story… but I cant get into it all.

    When I got home, Even with my very weak and fragile state and extreme physical suffering I managed to go to a couple of lectures from a healer and he noticed my change in behavior . This guy that I stayed with has been feeling so depressed. Not only because what happened to me but mainly becuase he is lonely. In the past he would be lonely for me, but now he is lonely for someone new. He keeps hinting at it but then acts like he loves me and I feel so depressed and abandoned because part of the main reason I became so ill and went as low as 92lbs at 5’5 by listetning to his advice to go on a very dangerous and addicting anti anxiety medication several years ago. So I know there are a lot of guilt feelings on his end. Before I met him I suffered from chronic fatigue but I had my weight and looked good and was still dateable. So now that I became dammaged goods and while I stayed with him had more things happen to me like injury to my entire gut and rectum and now bowel incontinent (and many more things happend but too complicated to discuss) but too sick to have surgery, he no longer wants me. It hurts me so much that he doesnt love me unconditonally. But I dont blame him. Who would want me in this condition? In a sense though I do feel like he accidentally hit me wih a car, paralyzed me and decided to abandon me. Thats what it feels like because he had pressured me to go on this meidcation for my severe insmonia and I told him no so many times till I caved and went to the doctor out of depseration and asked to be put on it (I was only getting 0-3 hours a sleep a night) and it caused me to become a hysterical mess and deteirorated my body and mind.

    So here he is depressed becuase he is housebound due to Social Anxiety and although I too have Social Anxiety (thats how we met on an online support group) but Im housebound mainly because of my health situation. I was a highly functioning person with Social Anxiety. Had many friends and workede etc prior to my healt misforutnes. He complains to me all the time how he cant go out and over minor isginficant things when Im figthing for my life. He used to care all about me and wanted to help me but now its all about how lonely he is when he knows I am too and cant go out as well either but because Im suffering and very sick. Im also lonely and very depressed and grieving over losing my health further, and for many many other losses, career, fiances, etc. And also of course being lonely for him. Prior to going to stay with him I had much hope and I was improving so much I was about to have my life back before I elected to do that final procdure. Although many people have it done, in my conditon I shouldnt have done it but I wasnt well enough to make good deciions and he just went along with anything I decided to do and not look into it like he used to for me. But Im lonely for him.
    And I also am suffering tremendously and too sick to go out. He isnt lonely for me.

    So I go to this workshop and he acts completely different on the phone and loving in emails because he sensed a shift in my depressed and hopeless state. It was amazig his turn around. I felt like maybe he wants me again despite all that happened and then I felt obligated to share that the speaker will be coming to his town next week. As soon as I emailed him this I instantly felt my healt deteriorate. I just had a feelng I shouldnthave told him yet. I didnt even give myself 24 hours to process the workshop and the energy work this mater healer did on me. I thought it is selfish to withhold info and that is why I thought it was my moral obligationg.

    He completely changed his tone in his emails. He went from loving to being all about himself and distancing himself from me. He didnt even attend the workshop yet. He will be going to this workshop too on his own. It is the first time he will be doing this on his own because I have inspired him. Before he alwasy needed someone to go with. Part of me is happy to help but the abaondend part is not becausae he is not doing this to better himself to be with me. He is doing this to better himself to find someone else thats the part that hurts more than anything. I know this because twice he lied to me and tried to find someone else online when we had our long distance thing going.

    Now he wants to go to this seminar and pull away probably meet like minded women. Was it wrong of me to tell him about this? Because it affected my health and well being. Any tiny bit of stress causes me to lose further weight and causes me great anxiety and not able to sleep, etc. . He knows it too. He knows I panic when he pulls away. He used to pursue me and I wasnt interested in him but as I got sicker and he lost interest he no longer wanted me. I started having panic attacks . A part of me wishes I didnt tell him about the seminar and let him see the change in me and desire to be with me again. Im ashamed as I feel so selfish admitting this. Now he wants to go to a million seminars on his own as I inspried him and I notice he does not include me saying us and we when he talks. He used to say I wish we could go to this together, etc. Its all about him and his needs. Before he wanted me to get better so we can be together now I feel so abaondoned. If I had other options, as in being able to circular date or meet men who would be intereseted in me maybe it would be easier to get over him. . As in can find another man who would want me in this health conditoin then perhaps I can get over my broken heart but my Mom and freinds all say I have to face the fact I will be alone. All men who were once interestred in me just treat me as a friend because although I was once desirale before my illness nobody wants to be with me now. Even a friend I had for 20 years abandoned me. I also have a history of major trauma and had a very very sad and tragic life. All I ever wanted was someone to love me so much. I know I need to love myself first but I find it too difficult as Im so phyiscally and emotionally dammaged I dont know how I can ever heal my wounds.

    This is a reoccuring pattern because I used to have a boyfriend many years ago who also had social anxiety. He was worse off than I was and I helped him improve his confidence and he no longer wanted to be with me and talked about me behind my back to the other members of the support group telling them I wasnt pretty enough for him. He gained his confidence and wanted to be with someone else.

    I did the same thing with the current guy too. Helped give him tools to get over his social anxiety and he feels he can do better than me. It makes me happy to help others but not when it winds up hurting me so badly at the end. I thought it was my moral obligation to share info to help others but then when I help a man he doesnt thank me. He just moves on. I feel so guilty if I dont help.

    I never in my life felt so unworthy of being loved as I do now. I dont even feel I belong here with other people. I feel like an outcast. I have had tons of therapy so that isnt the answer right now. Joining support groups and churches and things like that doesnt feel helpful. HOnestly I dont even know if my condition is terminal but even if it is I would like to be loved just once in my life as Im in my late 30’s and never been loved by a man…including my father.

    Please forgive me for disclosing so much. Im very very wounded…….I loved this man with every being of my body and he loved me so much too but no longer does…..He wants to be friends with me but understands if I cant. I am back and forth. I told him I couldnt handle him being with someone while Im alone and suffering and unable to date,. Isnt that awful for me to say? But I cant help it. Im just so sad and depressed and abandoned.And I find myself still calling him and he is calling me but as soon as he finds someone else he will disappear. I know he will.

    Love to you all. Please dont be hard on me when responding to my post. Im very sensitive and fragile and wouned. I need tons and tons of love and support and prayers.

  104.  #104Daria on April 15, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    I WAS an alcoholic too!

    I’m healing! I’m no longer such an alcoholic. I remember thinking I would forever be one.

    When I first found alcohol, I was about 15, I LOVED it. Because I felt so free to be friendly and wild with it. I feel so much more fearless drunk than sober.
    But now my soberness is starting to catch up.

    I still even just a couple months ago wound up drinking too much in the club, left by myself threw up outside on the curb and myself, heard people talking about getting the ambulance, so I walked off, I walked in the cold forgot I had a car lol tried to go to my sister’s house which was about a mile away, but wandered round and round in the cold for 3 1/2 hours going around one block like 4 times once haha trying to remember the direction haha.

    However. This is BETTER.


    than before

    i think i just stopped drinking in time to prevent getting some major thingy like my sister and guywhohadababy

    thingy as in pancreatitis and cirrosis and swelling up with 10 gallons of fluid everweek. so glad she’s better

    yay thank you GOD

  105.  #105Daria on April 15, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Now I don’t drink, or when I do it’s usually a little bit, I don’t “lose it” very often.

    I feel a lil scared thinking about the club incident, I mean it seems to tell lme that i can still “lose it” however I feel totally sure that angels are guiding my footsteps.

  106.  #106Apple Jacks on April 15, 2010 at 2:26 pm


    reading that made me feel really scared. I’m so glad you’re aware of the effects alcohol has on you and are taking precautions.

    I would feel horrible if anything happened to you. 🙁

  107.  #107Siena on April 15, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Hurting, I don’t have any advice for you, but just wanted to say hello and welcome to Siren Island! You’re not alone, all of us here are hurting to some extent. But there’s healing here too!

    We all post everywhere all the time, so I hope you feel free to speak up whenever you want to.

    It feels good to have you here, I hope you stick around!



  108.  #108Apple Jacks on April 15, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    I don’t know how I missed it but I missed hurting’s post.

    I feel pretty overwhelmed reading your story, hurting. I feel lots of support for you and I also feel like you don’t every have to apologize for ever “disclosing so much.” I’d feel so glad if you could feel to disclose however much you are comfortable with. Lots of hugs to you.

  109.  #109Apple Jacks on April 15, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    My eyes feel tired.

    My heart feels, so tired.

    I feel we’re all merry go rounds. Merry go rounding constantly between sun and shade….constant roller coaster.

    Just an essence of the shadow of that life’s glow is all the upliftment I ask for….And I feel I have no idea what I’m talking about in this last sentence….

  110.  #110Siena on April 15, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    AJ, I couldn’t have written it better! My eyes and heart are also very very tired. I need rest. 🙂 toodles

  111.  #111dorothea on April 15, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    My heart feels like it needs to EXPLODE from inside my chest. I feel like my thorax needs to scream or else will implode shortly and my entire being will cave in on itself and i will shrink and/or disappear. I wish to puff out my cheeks to find them inflating beyond my control until they burst and the mandibular surface and my molars are washed over with elation and relief to be finally liberated from all that pesky skin.

    woah. i must be holding something inside.

    ive been in a bad mood but i don’t really care. i don’t even care enough to notice that i’m doing it. Ut oh I think that’s what makes someone a cranky bitch. aw i love and accept my crankiness AND bitchiness. thank you!

    Jack Herer passed away today. The news made me feel sad.

  112.  #112Daria on April 15, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Apple Jacks – I feel guilty that you worry, I barely drink for a few years now.

    I can be a wild and reckless Goddess, and I don’t feel good to have someone worrying about me. I’d reather have support and love in a way that feels good to both of us.

  113.  #113Apple Jacks on April 15, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Hi Daria,

    here in the recent past I had a friend who experienced alcohol poisoning, so I was triggered by your story.

    But I do feel you when you say that you want positive vibes rather than worry. I feel very light, free of worry and very positive when you notified me that you barely drink for a few years now. I feel tons of love and support for you.

  114.  #114Ingrid on April 15, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    Dear Hurting:

    Hi! It’s so good you’re here! I can relate to your post as I have been hurting tremendously too, from an affair my husband of 20 years had. I was and still am, (but as much lately–thx to this place) –in a similar place as you, HURTING, wounded, and not knowing HOW to heal. You said this, you don’t know how to heal yourself. I have been in this exact place friend, and it is puzzling.

    You need to know first and foremost that God loves you. He adores you actually. You are a child of the God of this Universe, you are precious to Him. He knows every hair on your head even.
    Matthew 10:30: “The very hairs on your head are numbered”. This to me is awesome, that someone loves us this much, like no human ever will. This brings me a lot of comfort. I hope it does to you too.

    Do nice things for YOU. Follow your passions and interests. Write down what they are. What one thing you can do daily to make YOU feel good, feel alive. Then do it.

    I wish you love, serenity and friendship here in this place.

    God Bless U ~

  115.  #115Ingrid on April 15, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Whoops–NOT hurting as much lately, thx to this place, is what I meant to say………

    Take Care Everyone~

  116.  #116Soignée on April 16, 2010 at 1:13 am

    Thank you Rori, for the post, it is amazing. I work with a girl whose mother is Brazilian. She told me yesterday amazing things about the people there. Even there are a lot of people who are poor, they have a habit to be happy, to see the light side of life. They have a great ability to feel positive. She told me that even if they loose job or house or whatsoever, yes they can be sad, but they can at once concentrate what is good in their life. They can really enjoy life. As her grand-mother who lost husband when the 3 children were small. She had to take 4 jobs and worked, also to be able to come through sadness and loss and she came through. One day she started to smile, laugh and be happy. Certainly not at once, but she trained herself to positive side.
    So I want to see the examples of these wonderful people, who are with more problems, but who try to be happy, who train themselves to see colours in the world. I want to be a Brazilian girl, always smiling and happy.

  117.  #117Soignée on April 16, 2010 at 1:19 am

    Dear Ladies,

    I just wanted to share you the result of my healing. I told several times here about my ex who broke my heart. I went out, knew men and for 2 years I have not felt the feelings of love, the true feelings for love for any man. Yes, I was burned out inside after cynic people I had in my life. I thought I could never feel the same wonderful, blissed feelings for love. But I was wrong. I met a man who made me feel the same blissful feelings, I am so grateful to him, because I realized I CAN LOVE like I was able before the nasty break-up and for 2 years I felt dead towards men. But now, I am stronger and more goddess and I found in me this ability to love again.
    Oh Ladies, I just wonder how it could happen. I am really happy about this. because I did not lose my love ability. yes, it is equal for me how the story will be. But the most important thing is that the heart-broken story did not destroy me. I am happy. If I could newly feel love, every woman here will be able too. Happy springtime for everyone!!

  118.  #118Soignée on April 16, 2010 at 1:23 am

    I am a little bit absent-minded now, for example everybody at work noticed that, but I am so happy that I attract so much positivity. My colleague joked as , he said I could answer on the calls ” Good Morning, Department Love speaking”. It was meant that everybody notices this happiness. It is not about the man, yes, HE was one who gave me this feeling back. But I am happy about this vibe in me. I will strongly take care of this ability to fly and love…I feel blissed and happy…

  119.  #119Tina on April 16, 2010 at 2:08 am

    Soingee, I feel absent minded too, I want to fly and love 🙂

  120.  #120Tina on April 16, 2010 at 2:18 am

    Linda, I just never think to buy those things lol. I was standing outside and thinking wow wouldnt it be nice to have a tool shed lol. I had plans for a toolshed I found in a magazine from when I was was still with my ex. The Universe has bigger plans for me though 🙂 I feel it!

    Dawn , I realized I need wood too lol for a pit since I live in the country , its no biggie, my neighbor has a chainsaw. He’ll do it for like 20 bucks. Im having a sortof a “Tina” party next week so yeah, I have to make the pit soon. I was out last night cutting out the hole and will head out when the sunlight starts to come up so I can see what I’m doing.

    I love my absent mindedness! Thanks Soingee

  121.  #121BigLuv on April 16, 2010 at 8:09 am

    Precious Hurting,

    After I read your post I just had to say something. Ingrid is right. Accept that God, or Infinite Love, or the Universe is your friend and it can’t wait to give you what you desire. You want someone to love you completely and unconditionally. Guess what? For that to come to you, you have to give it to yourself FIRST. And I mean consistently.

    This struggle you are going through is about you needing time with yourself—not your need for this particular man. The energy you are using to worry about what he does is energy that can return you to your active, healthy, independent self.

    YOU ARE what is important. Think of him as taking a curtain call because he has decided the part he has to play in the production is complete for now. You are still on stage though and there is love waiting for you in the wings if you will connect with it. Be good to you. Focus on yourself and see yourself having what you need. If you focus on how broken and abandoned you feel, you will only notice more brokeness and abandonment.

    The tons and tons of love and support and prayers begin inside you and then it starts manifest on the outside as people responding to your siren call. You are already healed and are moving into a strong and happy space.

    Believe in you. I do.



  122.  #122Soignée on April 16, 2010 at 8:34 am

    Ladies believe in you. I did not believe in me, nor in love, nor in men and I was wounded sad.
    Today my boss called me and his first question was: “I can see you very relaxed recently. You seem fell in love”. Yes, I am newly in love. I feel flying, smiling and loving. I feell happy.
    The man who made my heart open, is a normal person. But his presence opened something in my chest, I felt warmth inside, I am like filled with love drugs and I am happy. It is equal for me how long it will take, how the result of this story will be, but that I can newly love… OH my God, I have no pain in feedback of my heart., I am flying, I get accustomed to be happy. Ladies, I touched the bottom of sufference, but now I live a new page. Pleas believe in you, your life, live and believe that one day you will be free for love and happiness.
    Thank you and sorry if it triggers someone, but forgive me for my happiness. Happy flying feelings for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  123.  #123Goodheart on April 16, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    Soignee, I forgive you for your happiness! I don’t think there is any jealousy on Siren Island. I hope not (but I’m still a little worried about my 34A’s :-))

    I can feel the happiness of your post & it makes me want to experience that again. I want to soar with the lightness of my giddy feelings!

  124.  #124Ingrid on April 16, 2010 at 5:43 pm


    So happy you’re so happy and in love, is it? That’s wonderful! Savor every precious moment.

  125.  #125Soignée on April 16, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    Dear Goodheart, dear Ingrid,

    thank you so much.
    I believe that in the hardest moments of pain, we can just play some kind of tool: imagine if there will be something better for you. Like Rori says us about her tools. To imagine that there will be plenty of really good men attracted to you and the best one will adore you. Such a nice tool. First it is imagination, and afterwards the truth. If it is happening to me, it can happen to every of you. Really. I thought I was killed. But I am not. This is the more important thing.

  126.  #126Paula on April 17, 2010 at 8:11 am

    Dear Hurting – welcome and I hope you find healing and love for yourself and hope and all kinds of good things in yourself and in your life.

    I feel frazzled. I can’t read all the posts and all the comments these days. I don’t have time.

    I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ lately. I feel exhausted and stressed by a new job and exams coming up. I feel tired. I feel like giving up. I feel hopeless. I feel like ‘what is the point’. I feel bored by online dating. I feel hopeless about meeting a non-virtuel man. I feel a bit obsessed with my ex. I feel like giving up on my dreams of life in another country. I feel STUCK.

    Ok, I’m out of ideas Universe. Could you ‘unstick’ me please?

    I feel happy for you that you are in love Soignee. I feel longing to be ‘in love’.

    I felt delighted to read your post about the Universe, Dorothea. I know you said forget your question about Commitment Blueprint but I love it. I like how practical it it.

    But I like my ‘I love and accept every part of me’ purpose on the planet statement.

    I feel afraid of ‘pull up your socks’ advice 🙂

  127.  #127Hurting on April 19, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Thank you Big Luv and Paula and all those who are giving me love and support and encouragement. Im trying to hang on. My broken heart is so raw it is affecting every being of my weakened health. I have noticed that this broken heart wears heavy on a very sickened body. Today he is going to that semniar andI know that today is the start of when I will really lose him. This is the beginning where he will start making changes and shifts in his life and pull away from me so that he can start meeting someone else. I have been in so much panic and anxiety over this that I feel like the stress is killing my very weak and frail body. He knows it too but doesnt seem to care. When I told him I loved him very much last night (I am calling him as he stopped calling me as soon as I gave him info on the seminar) his reply was that he was a jerk to me while I stayed with hm and Im seeing him in rose tinted glasses. I was in shock he said that to me. I mean he is really wanting me out of his life by pushing me away like that. He knows he is partly responsible for the conditon Im in and instead of sticking around he wants to move on while I suffer alone. He cant handle it. If I really thought he was a jerk I could get over him better but he really has such a good heart and very kind and compassionate person. He was so loving and kind to me when he noticed a shift in my frame of mind from fear and panic about my condtion to strenght and a postive attitude as I mentioned in my previous post after attending a seminar with a well known healer, I wish I never told him what changed me (although it was shortilived and temporary) because as he pulled away from me these past few days my health had deteirorated and my panic and anxiety returned. I actually have been doing much worse sinec I gave my power away and told him about the seminar in his hometown. I have noticed this pattern in me. Helping men while scaraficing my own heatlh and well being. It hurts me so much that through my illness it has given him the motivation to be a better person but not so he can be with me but so he can meet someone else. He wants to work again and get over his social anxiety which Im all for it but not to be with me. He knows I need help financially and alwasy felt sad about not being able to help me but now he wants to work so he can attract women. I got bitten by fleas while I was with him. I contracted a terrible disease from the fleas from his pet. For over a month I’d get hundreds of bites a day and I was freaking out because I had a very fragile immune system but he didnt do anything about it. I had to research how to get rid of it. Shouldnt he be doing this for me? He didnt know he had fleas because he never was bitten for some reason. And you know what motivated him to really do something about it? Becuse he thought i was overreacting by being a wreck about the bites? I said well do you think the next woman in your life is going to want to be with you if you have fleas? Yup he got rid of the fleas not for his sick girlfriend’s benefit but for future women. And And if I never met him and stayed with him I would not have gotten this sick from the procuderes and the flea bites (contracted Bartonella) that i had done only to be abandoned. He even told me that he knows if we never met and he never pursued me I would have been physically better off. I told him that as long as he wanted to be with me all the things that happened to me I coudl live with but to have this happen while we were together and then leave me that I couldnt handle.

    I cant live without him as pathetic as this sounds. I cant imagine finding someone else who would love me in this physical condition. He and I were so much alike. He even said that he never felt so comfortable around someone in his life and he said that when it was good between us it was sooo good. I taught him to let loose and to be goofy and kid around. I taught him so much. Im still in shock over what happened to me physically and how he abadnoned me. I cant be alone through this. I need someone to love me and hold me.

    What program can I use from Rori to get through this and build my self esteem despite my health condition? I just cant imagine living alone even as sick as I am.

    Please forgive me. I didnt know where to post this and I dotn know if its off topic and I know theres so much postive growth going on here and feel bad about sharing my crisis situation here. I have nobody to turn to.

  128.  #128Hurting on April 19, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Dear Ingrid. I didnt see your post to me. Im so very sorry for the pain you went through with your husband. Thank you for your advice and I pray to God every day. I think it would be so much easier for me to be able to get over the pain if I could follow my passions like hike and dance and yoga but because of my health condtiion Im unable to do any activites and this where Im struggling so much. Is to overcome the loss of my health and heartbreak at the same time. But Im so eternally grateful for you and everyone else here and honored to be around such beautiful souls for support. Love to you all.

  129.  #129physician assistant on April 19, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!

  130.  #130Ingrid on April 20, 2010 at 8:49 am

    Dear Hurting:

    Could you explain more about exactly what did happen to you? What exactly is your health issue? How old you are? And why your boyfriend or husband abandoned you? Do you think?

    I’d like to hear more so I may be able to help you.

  131.  #131Hurting on April 21, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Dear Ingrid,

    I have so many health complicatons that are so difficult so difficult to explain. And not sure if I feel comfortable sharing everyting in a public forum. Do you have an email address where we can correspond?

  132.  #132emt training on May 8, 2010 at 12:29 am

    this post is very usefull thx!

  133.  #133Linda on June 8, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Would this be Core Sadness that turned into Wounded Sadness?
    My Mom & Dad died withing a few months of each other. I was obviously sad (Core Sad). Afterward my husband was cold and unconsoling. He was angry because I was “depressed” and wouldn’t just “get over it”. I was no fun anymore. This made my depression even worse. I expected, wanted and needed him to be there for me emotionally. I needed him to console me and have some empaty for what I was going through. I wanted him to make me feel better.
    He was all I had now and I was losing him. The more he withheld, the more I felt I needed. So, I guess, essentially the Core sadness turned into Wounded sadness – I started feeling sorry for myself.
    I think maybe my husband saw it as (wounded sadness) from the beginning. He thought I just wanted attention and I felt sorry for myself from the beginning, but that’s not what happened. When your parents die, you’re sad. I don’t understand why he never understood that.
    His abandoning me emotionally (and then physically – he left) when I was greiving for my parents caused me to become more depressed and for a much longer time – years. I still blame him for this setback.
    Is this wounded saddness? Or is this a normal way to feel?

  134.  #134Rori Raye on June 8, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Linda, Welcome, and I’m going to jump off of this…Love, Rori

  135.  #135Kati Jo on November 7, 2010 at 5:40 am

    I’m not in a relationship with someone who is trapping me with their wounded feelings, I AM the person you speak of. I have very deep core injuries and I blame him every chance I get. It is ruining my life, and his.
    Married 25 years, three children grown and reacently gone (empty nest a big issue right now) 52 years old (so menapause also a biggie) and my life is just a mess..
    I need help and this website has put me on the right track.
    I can’t buy anything just yet (finances in the “issue” corner) but you bet I will be buying the ebook just asap.
    So I just read the blogs and do the best I can right now.
    I am the blammer, I ridicule him all the time for what he is NOT doing or giving me.
    I feel so very needy right now, and he just isn’t stepping up to the plate.
    Please help, if it’s possible
    Kati Jo

  136.  #136Riley on October 24, 2011 at 3:02 am

    Hi, Rori!

    Ok so I have good news, and something I need your help with as well. I commented on one of the circular dating posts earlier last year or so (I can’t remember precisely when it was…but anyway, back to what I was saying.) I think I told you about my difficult Marriage (more recently discovered to be toxic!)? Well, after 3 years of the constant emotional rollercoaster and sheer disrespect, I finally left him and moved on as I just couldn’t bear to be with him anymore! The pain he inflicted through his indifference was just too much to handle. He always had an excuse for his bad behavior. Anyway, 6 months before my divorce, I met someone really amazing, his name is Raphael. He treats me like his Queen! Needless to say, he was the one who fell in love with me so intensely, it scared me…!! I guess the whole crumb-taking queen concept comes to mind, I hate to say it. In my last post, I was so upset and just desperate for an answer to my problems that I forgot to mention I was a very young mother of 2 beautiful children! Anyway, back to Raphael…he is just so affectionate towards me, he’d used to come over just to hold me and kiss me, and told me that he loved me so much, that I was everything to me and other things, that if I mentioned here, would take up an entire post! Lol. At first, I was skeptical about his feelings as my ex-husband made so many empty promises and never followed through. I told him this in a feeling message that I was feeling a bit hesitant about jumping in to a relationship with him or anyone for that matter, as the wounds were still fresh and that it wouldn’t be fair on either of us to pursue a rebound relationship, as things were really intense from his end. Raph said he’d wait an eternity for me if he had to. He’s already met my children and is really enthusiastic about adopting them and raising them as his own, in fact it was his idea! 3 weeks ago, he proposed to me and once again was really intense about his love for me. Btw we haven’t slept together yet, he wants it to be in that perfect moment-I’m guessing on our wedding night (I accepted his proposal after taking things slow for 6 months; so I’m engaged now.) But it has been a little over 2 weeks since I’ve heard from him. I’m a little afraid that his interest in me might have waned a bit as he hasn’t called yet or come over. I don’t want to become needy and clingy as it will only push him away more. But I’m feeling hurt and confused by his sudden distance–yet I want to give him the time and space to come to me. May I also mention that being with him in the first few weeks and in most ways is still relaxing to a certain point. Like there’s no obsessive thinking until the past 2-3 weeks. I don’t know what to say or do to have him beside me again. I would also like to ask for suggestions on things to do that would help me cope while he’s not around. Something that involves my 2 kids (both under the age of 5; one son who’s 2 and a daughter who’s 3 and a half). Please suggest as I want this relationship to be a fresh start.