Curing A Narcissistic Conversationalist

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If it feels like he only talks about himself, only wants to talk about himself, doesn’t really hear you at all, doesn’t ask questions or seem curious about you or anything you say, and continually turns the conversation from what you just shared to something HE wants to share – he’s got a pattern that has a name!

It’s called being a “Narcissistic Conversationalist.”

Doesn’t mean he’s self-involved all through and through –  it can be just about “talking” – and it’s mostly what he learned to do since childhood.

He doesn’t know how to see you as a person.

My guess is his mother (fathers, too, yet we women so rarely feel truly heard, and sometimes try to fix that for ourselves by talking and trying to MAKE people hear us…) is like that, and he never got a word in edgewise unless he jumped in and tried to take over the conversation.

I know I experience wanting to talk and talk and talk in order to feel heard when I’m not feeling heard.

SO – for starters: Really learn how to do the Tool: “Listening To Him.”

When YOU do this, without any expectation of reciprocity, he will start to relax (because he’s never experienced this before!)

He’ll need some time to “get” this, and so you need to Circular Date so you don’t get resentful.

Consider it setting a new dynamic for him, where’ he’s safe to be himself and share etc.

Then: you simply share that you’d like to share something.

Start with short Feeling Statements, and then, if he turns the conversation back to himself (instead of being curious, asking you questions and going more deeply with you) – that’s when you share…”Wow, I didn’t feel finished…it would feel amazing to have your full attention and interest while I share my own stuff. Will that work for you?”

In order to set the stage for this – YOU must demonstrate by genuinely being curious, asking questions, going deeper with HIM so he can MODEL you!

The trick here is to not shut down and turn off from resentment.

Just think of it as an experiment.

See if you can Listen To Him (he’ll likely just keep going, and you won’t have to prompt him at all – yet it’s your Being There and Being Present that he’ll “feel.”

See if he relaxes and then just winds down…)

The thing to avoid is turning the conversation from him to you – because that’s modeling what you DON’T want!

Try it and let me know!

If he’s a good guy, this might be worth it…you might uncover something after a bit…

Love, Rori

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5 Comments

  1.  #1Angela on September 4, 2018 at 12:21 pm

    Yes! I experienced this with my ex, initially. It was so overwhelming, he always took over the conversation.
    He was a good guy, just didn’t know how to listen – maybe I didn’t either. I felt he didn’t have the skills. With time, maybe because I was just opened to hearing him, he started doing the same for me. He then began saying this like, “hey is there something you’d like to share, something you have been feeling.”
    You are so smart Rori! I met his mother, and she is terrible at conversations, she goes on and on and when I share something she changes the topic or ignores me completely. I felt so sorry for my ex. Now I know where he got it from!
    I met a new guy who is also this way, he will talk and talk. It bothered me and I felt resentful.
    I saw him a gain recently and literally said to myself, “Shut up and listen, shut up and listen, don’t give advice just listen.” He opened up and I felt like I shared some of my stuff too, so interesting that when I stopped judging and feeling resentful did he open up more and start listening more too. Wow!



  2.  #2Femininewoman on September 10, 2018 at 1:53 pm

    Great reminder



  3.  #3Bri on September 18, 2018 at 2:25 am

    I’m just feeling really sad and I’m feeling like I need to vent but I feel too embarrassed to talk to anyone I know. After being in a relationship for over 12 years (and I’m still in my 20s btw), I went on my very first date this weekend. I’ve been talking to this guy for a little while & he seemed really interested in me. He had been giving me attention all throughout the day and before bed etc.

    This weekend, we were both free. We both have children and are both getting out of a long term relationship with our children’s other parent…So it’s not been the easiest to make plans but anyway we were both free this past weekend so we went out together.

    It was only supposed to be for 2 hours but two turned into three, turned into four, turned into the whole night. We had sex multiple times. The next morning we watched movies and stayed cuddled up in bed until 2 pm. We went out to eat afterwards and he brought me home.

    Then he absolutely ghosted me. His ex found out we spent the weekend together (by reading his phone records/text messages online) and she’s been harassing me ever since, calling me over 100 times in a row and changing her number after blocking her etc. I did not engage with her at all. Through her nasty voicemails and text messages, I can tell that what he previously told me about their relationship being over was true though. Its just that she can’t stand for him to be with anyone else, I guess.

    I let him know what she was doing and he barely responded to me. He hasn’t checked up on me at all and has pretty much ghosted me since. I feel awful. I feel incredibly dumb and foolish right now.

    I did not expect an instant relationship or anything just because we had sex, but I thought he did like me. Anyway I’ve been talking to other guys still, trying to circular date still…but I’m still feeling really hurt. If anything, I wish he’d be honest and at least tell me he needs some space or maybe lost interest. Anything would feel better than icing me out.

    Feeling very sad.



  4.  #4Indigo on September 27, 2018 at 4:01 am

    Bri,

    I’m so sorry! What a nasty thing to have happened to you. First, I just want to say that I think you did very well not responding to the ex. It was classy and dignified, and definitely better for your own self-esteem and mental health not to respond to her in any way. Many people would not have been able to resist, so I think you should pat yourself on the back for that.

    Second, you have been in a long-term relationship for a while, and this is your first dating experience since then. The more you date, the easier it will get and the more you will learn not to take it all too seriously. The first few weeks of chatting and the first few dates are no indication of how things will turn out. In fact, one of RR’s qualified coaches says that the first 3 months of a relationship are completely imaginary! Sounds crazy, but it’s true. It’s best to try not to get invested at all during this stage. If things go well after the first couple of months, then great, but try not to get invested.

    Following on from that, I have personally found that it’s so important and beneficial to do a check-in with myself and ask myself how I’ll feel afterwards before I do anything with a guy, especially when it comes to having sex. Given that you can’t control what he does, could you be ok with it if he does disappear afterwards? If not, it is probably best not to have sex until you know him better and can be more sure of hearing from afterwards.

    Either way, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but the best thing is to treat it as a learning experience and continue to date and meet other guys.



  5.  #5Bri on October 3, 2018 at 2:31 am

    Indigo, I feel very heard and supported by your words so thank you very much. I feel very appreciative for your advice as well and I agree with what you’ve said.

    The update with Mr. Ghost is that the day after I vented on here about my feelings, he ended up checking in with me and asked me out again for the Friday of that week. I felt very curious to see how he would treat me if he saw me again. Would he be the sweet guy or would he treat me like a play thing?

    Anyways, once he saw me again he seemed completely smitten by me. He went on and on about how much he likes me and seemed a bit insecure about how I felt about him as well. He invited me on an upcoming trip to visit his cousin and tried making future plans with me as well and it seemed like he was sorry about how the previous week went. It made me feel a lot better and made me feel that I didn’t misjudge him as much as I had previously thought.

    Anyway, he ex girlfriend started harassing me again so even though I reallllllllly like this guy, I don’t feel up to this type of drama. I don’t feel like putting myself in danger over a guy I just met…or ever. I feel like he holds a bit of responsibility for the way his ex has been treating me as well because even though he cannot control her behavior, I feel that there are things he could have done to prevent her from finding out about us and our private business together in the first place and I feel unprotected by him since he didn’t bother to take those preventative steps.

    I’ve decided to stop talking to him at least for now. Maybe once he has his situation with his ex figured out and settled then I will consider how I feel about going out with him again.

    Since then, I’ve went on a few dates with other guys and have been making efforts to talk to other men as well (or let them talk to me, I should say). There are two guys in particular I talk to the most. They seem very interested in me and show me LOTS of attention which feels great.

    But I mean, if I’m honest, I don’t feel much of anything for them. I just really like the way they treat me. One of the guys, I’ve been out with him twice and have plans with him for this upcoming weekend as well. I can tell he is catching feelings for me already though.

    He does just about everything I’d love for my future man to do. Opens all doors for me when we go out, buys me flowers and gifts, keeps in contact with me often, plans dates ahead of time, let’s me know he is looking for a relationship, works hard etc. I enjoy his company and that’s about it. I don’t feel that my feelings for him will grow much stronger than they are now. I haven’t kissed him yet or anything though. Just holding hands and hugs for now.

    It’s just really obvious how much he likes me and I feel bad that I don’t feel anything close to the same. I know it’s so early on, but I feel like after this weekend I probably will not go out with him again because I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. But then again I feel like I’m not ready to let these two “friend zoned” guys go yet because I’m still pretty stuck on Mr. Ghost and I really feel like I need the distraction…

    There are other guys that have shown interest in dating me but so far, no one else that I feel comfortable with.

    The amazing thing about this circular dating thing though is that I truly know now that all my feelings for my long time ex have faded away. I feel that I have finally and fully accepted that my relationship with him is complete over and it feels amazing. I never dreamed that this day would come and that it would feel sooo good and so easy to let go of him and all my dreams of our future together.

    But why oh why do I now feel so strongly for Mr. Ghost? It feels so ANNOYING! Maybe it’s because we had sex but I dont feel that’s the main reason. I just feel so connected to him and I feel like I’d still feel very strongly towards him even if we didn’t have sex. I mean, I had sex with him in the first place because our connection and chemistry just felt so strong!

    I feel like no matter what I do, Mr. Ghost will linger on in my mind until I find someone I like better and it feels really sucky and frustrating and so annoying!