Dancing With Your Boy and Girl Energy

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tightropeHere’s a comment from Linda – (I just love dancing with my girl and boy energies – I used to struggle, and now I find it fun to make these choices to fall into “being” …and this comment is a great jumping off place…) – Linda says:

“I struggle with my “boy energy”. I have a man I want to show up on his door step… the results imaginary.  BUT…have come to the decision that I dont want a relationship that I have manipulated at all. I do want the one that he would initiate if that ever happens, that is what I want. For whatever reason, he is not able, willing, ready, or any combination of who knows what to be available for a relationship with me. That is too much thought into him and his stuff. Keeping my focus on me and what I feel is what I need to keep in from getting de-railed again. That is not productive energy.

If a man is not in front of you he is not real…. it sounds silly but it is true. It helps me when I get lost in thought wishing, hoping, dreaming… pining away for something that is not real only in my head.

Go back and read the post a few ago on the difference between girl and boy energy. It helped me discern what I was wrestling with. Doing, telling ,teaching directing is “boy” . For a take charge , keep things in order, and ducks in a row kinda woman that I am it is such a struggle to stop that and just “be”…

I hope it helps, please go read the post on the girl and boy energy. It was very helpful to me. If that man you were with wants to be your friend… in the words of Rori… Get your energy out of there…. it is hard but it can be done. Linda”

Thank you, Linda, for your lovely insights, and here’s my jump-off…

Linda, and all…I dance daily, sometimes hourly or minutely or even in bits of seconds, with my boy/girl energy.

It never stops, when you are a woman who likes being in charge and is good at it.

And that is me, just as it is with you and so many of us here.

What does happen, though, is you start to become more comfortable in girl energy, in being vulnerable, and you find throughout the day that you have many, many moments that are crossroads.  You have the choice to make — to go down the “take charge” route, or to give that up and go down the “feeling” route.

Once you start experiencing what happens when you’re just “being” – and it feels SO much better almost all of the time…your tension and stress just disappear in the experience – you just start letting go of the need to be in charge, and it just becomes easier to dance.  It becomes more fluid.  You fight yourself less.   You think about it less.

It’s like being in a bathtub or shower and deciding to enjoy the warm water instead of thinking about your day, or wondering how long the hot water will hold out.  Even that’s a skill you have to practice…and that’s what the Tools are for.

We skim the surface of life because that’s what we’re taught.

As you start to sink into the feelings – even the pain – instead of fighting them…you’ll see…it get’s easier to choose being over doing, and then…you have more energy for doing when it’s the choice you want to make!

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on November 19, 2009 at 11:46 pm

    whoa so guess what.

    i have this tightness in my throat

    when i breathe out… i think im gonna asphyxiate… and only now im realizing waht i feel and its a pressure at the base of my throat (ive had this feeling all my life when i breathe out)

    and my eyes are feeling teary and hot and my nose is squeezing in sideways

  2.  #2ABC on November 19, 2009 at 11:53 pm

    Hi Rori,

    i’ve been taking the Toxic men quiz and doing some serious evaluation about myself. just want to make sure that i really GET this right, can you take a look at my analysis here real quick? thank you.
    my trained themes:(1) being spoiled is being a brat–leads to high maintenance. 2)don’t get angry, be nice,then good things will happen to you
    3) this is a big one when i grew up—-girls are not as precious as boys. men make the decision. if you are have too much power, then no man would want you.
    my life theme—YOU FIRST for sure. 1) feel hurt a lot of time when i am being ignored or not being acknowledge. 2) huge need for approval or feel ENOUGH. 3) feel compelled to control what others think say or do. 4) feel rejected–big time. 5) i am getting better at this one after i exercise your tools—feel humiliated about my feelings and my wants.

    qualities i don’t like in people are: selfishness, immaturity, negativity, i hate it when people ignore me.

    so my take on this is i can’t accept or haven’t embrace my qualities as selfshness, arrogance, immaturity, and negativity, so i am attracting and attracted guys who possess these qualities?? i do tend to attract men that are emotionally unavailable and immature.

    sorry i am just a little confused and lost. feel kind of stuck with the stranger part. if i do find out that part of myself, do i need to change it or just embrace it? are you saying that if i get to embrace those qualities, i would be less susceptible to men who have those qualities?

    and the men fall into category B: cold, arrogant, neglect, emotionally unavailable. i do realize that i try to fit myself into the “soft mode” in order to feel feminine, yet each and every time after i do that, i give my power away, and i start feeling worse about myself, and my self-esteem goes down. are you saying that when we act according to our themes (subconsciously), and that the men are just people we PUT in our themes, sort of the “roles” to fit in our theme—familiarity??

    i really like the Reconect program, but i LOVE toxic men, it’s the FOUNDATION we need to build from within. it’s very helpful. i would love it if you can turn this into a post or just help me understand better it would be great!


  3.  #3Fernando on November 20, 2009 at 1:06 am

    ABC: I truly believe that we teach others how to treat us. Something in you is leaking out and telling men to treat you the way they are. I know the women on here have ideas to help you get over low self-esteem, which is likely why you end up (put up) with less than optimal relationships.

    Standing up for yourself and being strong in your feminine is not at all boyish. if you can be proud of who you are and shine with feminine radiance, the issues you listed will no longer be problems.

  4.  #4Daria on November 20, 2009 at 1:34 am

    this is cool… about saying NO or YES and deciding which before we do something… and never saying No and doing it while we’re saying no (tolerating)


  5.  #5Tina on November 20, 2009 at 1:40 am

    I went on a last minute coffee date with truckman, he called me and I told him I was on my way to the clinic (nothing serious) anyway he said, I’ll pick you up and bring you home or we can go out for coffee, I said sure I’ll see how I am feeling. We did go out and eat/coffee, later we drove around, he started talking about how I felt about holding hands, I just listened mostly. He said he didnt want to talk about sex but holding hands or maybe kissing on the cheek. He asked if and when is it ok, He said he would not try to do something like that tonight so to relieve any sortof pressure I may be feeling about it. I said thank you. He said I was “cool” and if that was even the right word to describe how he was feeling , I said Oh. This is like 4 dates later so , I feel maybe” i dont know, if he is “bonding” on some level, right now as it stands he is the only man in my rotation, I am receiving emails through my online profile, I’ve been called a goddess twice in the past few days, I feel pleased by these compliments 🙂 he is kind, funny, doting, very very generous and likes feeding me 🙂 I’m not sure what to make of this, I knew this was going to happen, I have a man online wanting to meet, I will do that, I will circular date. How do I do this when I scratched off the two men I was circular dating? damnit! Candy man and moose man where are you? haha. truck man has lots of big fun things to do to keep me busy all winter! When I am not busy and “feel” like seeing him I do. I actually do feel ‘cared for” yipes! I feel we might get a little heavy as in maybe hold hands or kiss 🙂 I never really thought about it much until he talked about it tonight. Oh its almost time for my feeling speech, he said he really wants to hold my hand 🙂 but he doesnt dare. He isnt making any “moves” and im not encouraging it either. I am soooooooo leaned back, I was thinking on our drive on the highway when he said he wanted to hold my hand at some point, I thought well, what would Rori Raye advise in this situation? I thought and thought and the only word I could utter was Oh thats it Oh, he then talked about something personal in his life concerning his family member and I said Oh , thats all Oh, thats when he said I was cool. I was kinda hoping he would try and kiss me so I could practice “The Art of Kissing” hehehe. or if he held my hand but he didnt. Leaning back and feeling my feelings of what that would feel like for me. Our last planned date is on wednesday, in the meantime he has a hockey game planned and four wheel driving and possibly target practicing.

  6.  #6Tina on November 20, 2009 at 1:41 am

    Fernando! Where ya been?

  7.  #7alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 1:53 am

    tina if you would have felt good to hold hands could you say, ‘i would feel good?’

    i feel happy you are being referred to as “goddess” by men. 🙂 yae!

    i feel very excited and hopeful and so much relief lately. pshew. same circumstances, different outlook. i honestly have never felt better in my life. i have a “new normal” that i seem to bounce back to that is very solid and good feeling.

    thanks rori!!!!!

  8.  #8alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 1:54 am

    i actually like being a girl. heehee who would’ve guessed?

  9.  #9Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:01 am

    Yes, yes your right Aliasgirl, I feel stuck sometimes lol. My old normal was fighting off men trying to get in my pants lol never mind asking me if he can hold my hand.

    ” I would feel warm and fuzzy holding hands together” I will take a look at Docks list of feelings brb 🙂

  10.  #10Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:09 am

    “I would feel shy to hold hands with you right now” I do feel curious about what that would feel like for me though”

  11.  #11alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:12 am

    aw. “i would feel shy to hold hands with your right now.” i feel teary.

    I want to go look at docK’s list of feelings again too! i am going to. right NOW!

  12.  #12alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:19 am

    hmmm they put “rebellious” under the category of STRONG (in yo face b*tches.) (that wasn’t directed at anyone particular, it was just a joke)

    but they forgot some of my favorites:

    I feel “lovely”
    i feel “YES”
    i feel “yummy”

  13.  #13alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:20 am

    i feel DARING!

  14.  #14alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:22 am

    hehee could you imagine saying on a date, “I feel jubilant” hehe. my gansta date would be like, ‘huh? ok, mary poppins.’ oh, i just reminded myself of my EX. i feel “woeful”


    hey, they forgot sassy. I FEEL SASSY!

  15.  #15alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:24 am

    they have “in a stew”

    i feel in a stew.

    although we sirens might say, “i feel in a soup”

  16.  #16Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:25 am

    Shy falls under unpleasant feelings, under the catagory of confused , interesting…

    shy but curious

  17.  #17Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:27 am

    Sassy is a fun word Aliasgirl

  18.  #18alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:27 am

    oooh that is interesting—shy is under confused. i feel intrigued.

  19.  #19alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:28 am

    upset is under confused too. hmm.

  20.  #20Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:29 am

    How do I diffuse the situation if it becomes sexual? hm…that is where I feel shy but curious at the same time about how I would feel , ugh!

  21.  #21alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:29 am

    they have infuriated but not one of daria’s fav’s: “FURIOUS”

  22.  #22Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:30 am

    i should say sensual 🙂 The Art of Handholding 🙂

  23.  #23alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:31 am

    i feel confused what you mean by diffuse? you mean take it slow or stop if you want to? do you mean physically or psychologically?

  24.  #24alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:31 am

    mmmmmmm sensual mmmmm

    i feel yummy!

  25.  #25Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:32 am

    The Art of Sensual Handholding, I wonder if he can handle it, oh I think he did mention it that he can do this, nice…

  26.  #26alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 2:33 am

    “tragic” is under helpless.

    i feel tragic.


  27.  #27Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:44 am

    yeah, I mean like um stop it. if it gets to heavy , yeah heavy hand holdiing lol

  28.  #28Tina on November 20, 2009 at 2:47 am

    How out there can it be, he might wanna suck on my fingers :S kiss my hand oh dang!

  29.  #29Tina on November 20, 2009 at 3:34 am

    He says “I am comfortable when you are around” were drinking tea together online 🙂 he just got home an hour drive.

  30.  #30Tracy on November 20, 2009 at 3:34 am

    I love changing hats from girl to boy energy…
    I am learning to feel my feminine side……Part of me is still so used to reacting from a masculine point of view…
    I want to feel and be more….to enjoy receiving love ad affection from the universe to feel the beauty of everything that is arround and allow love to flow through me…
    I love the feeling of taking control as well…at work when i am handling stuff and making decisions..sometimes i feel conflicted with this because i feel compassion yet i have to make orders….
    i feel confused with this…when in boy energy i want to feel neutral and certain and sure of the decisions i make yet still feel compassion for the situaion at hand…is that contradictory?

  31.  #31Tracy on November 20, 2009 at 3:45 am

    Tina,Alias….thanks for sharing th different feeling words….
    Its great to practise with different feelings and see how i can blend in and how i feel about them….
    I didn’t know feeling shy was somehow related to feeling confused….
    Whenever i meet a really cute guy i feel shy abit intimidated and unsure of myself…I feel challenged to get his attention but unsure if i am good enough…then i feel the lack of having a good relationship….funny how its always the same pattern…need to change that…

  32.  #32Jennifer on November 20, 2009 at 5:01 am

    OMG y’all
    I woke up with another revelation.
    I had a fight with B. I started out telling him about possible tax issues that I have been made aware of. We began fighting.
    He started the “yeah but you did this” thing that he does. I tell him I left him cause he lied to me and hid things from me and he says “well you said things that hurt me too”
    We’re actually talking about me MoFo.
    But he could not. COULD not keep the focus on me. Apparently I did / said things that hurt him somewhere along the line. Like REALLY!?!??!?!
    He says he can try to show me all the parts of him and I said no.
    I said we cannot be in this relationship anymore. He said that it was all about what I wanted. In a peevish voice. And I’m sitting here thinking….um…YEAH!!!! Dumb ass
    And absolutely unable or unwilling to take any responsibility for his BS behavior. I pointed out that he had not even attempted to apologize to me for lying to me. Silence on the other end of the line. Then he said he never had the chance. It all happened too fast.
    Poor baby
    The litany of excuses and BS is not to be believed.
    Refusing to take responsibility for the end of the relationship. Stating that at the most it wasn’t ALL my fault.
    Excuses about why it was ok that he hid porn from me. Stating that he had reasons why he lied about the banking and then refusing to tell me what they are. Why? The phone isn’t the time or the place for that talk.
    It’s the old…”my way or the highway” routine.
    It basically boils down to the whole damned thing HAVING to be about B.
    He stood me up on my birthday party once because he claimed he didn’t feel comfortable that I had planned myself a party.
    ANY time a situation doesn’t revolve around B he pouts and otherwise has bad behavior.
    The level of childishness is not to be believed. I have a headache about the whole thing.

  33.  #33Flipper on November 20, 2009 at 8:05 am

    YES… NO…I dunno thanks for the link, Daria. This tecniquie feels really interesting for matching up doing with feelings, i.e. being coherent with myself.

    Tracy, I felt that was a pretty good monologue illustrating how shy equates with confused. To me, it feels like ‘I want what I want’ but don’t dare own up to it, especially not in front of someone who inspires that kind of yearning in me. One man I know was not confused, however – when I described myself as shy he immediately countered with ‘Not at all – it’s low self esteem’! Aha moment for me – I put a lot of pieces together after that. Wish I’d had the tools at the time to complete the puzzle. He’s still on the back of my horse, but I’d much rather I’d inspired him to stay on his gallant steed next to me, tall and firm leading Us through the thicket. I feel Daria’s right, about disrespecting a man’s masculinity if we try to spare his feelings when we’re in such a muddle about knowing how to honor our own.

  34.  #34Tracy on November 20, 2009 at 9:17 am

    ………”To me, it feels like ‘I want what I want’ but don’t dare own up to it, especially not in front of someone who inspires that kind of yearning in me”………..
    I felt this way with my last guy but i couldn’t put my feelings to words…it flt like anxiety and confusion most of the time….Now that you’ve pointed it out i feel that what i yearned most is for my needs to be met and for my feelings to be acknowledged and for me to express them….and when i didn’t do that i felt bad about myself because what i wanted is just what i wanted and the more i was with the guy the more the desire grew inside of me…..
    I am learning to acknowledge my feelings and my desires…i have been accustomed to taking care of others and my job requires me to take a firm hand on things and i realized that when it comes to relationships i have neglected me at th expense of others…it feels good to gain clarity in all these.

  35.  #35Mary Ann on November 20, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Daria..cool link 🙂 Maybe its good that I jump into things with both feet hehe!

    Very busy…I have been offered lots of work in the next week for good money…yay!! It’s interesting that people are coming to me lately. I’m am getting more attention from men online too…hmmm 🙂

  36.  #36Frannie on November 20, 2009 at 10:32 am

    PLEASE HELP ME!!! you are all so wonderful… please help

    I’m in a lot of pain right now and really needing some help. The man I thought I was going to marry and be with forever, the man who is also my very best friend in the whole world, has broken my heart. I am starting to think he might be “toxic”, but I really don’t want to believe that. Now I’m shocked, confused, and feeling stuck. It’s like I’ve forgotten all of the tools and don’t know what to do.

    Here’s the synopsis of what happened:
    We live 3 hours away from one another. We’ve been together for a year and a half. He’s 31 and I’m 24. He still lives at home with his very fundamentalist (not to offend anyone!), controlling parents. He’s been engaged twice. We’ve both been through an addiction and gotten sober together, been through a whole lot of other things together… Back in the spring, he told me he was ready to move up to where I am (I’m in grad school so moving isn’t really an option for me) and be together “for real”. Then, at the last minute, he freaked out and broke it off, saying “I’m not ready yet and I don’t feel like I’m enough of a man to offer you anything; I need more time sober, blah blah blah”. I was hurt and angry at first, but then realized he was right and we got back together, staying long distance. We saw each other around 2 times a month. A few months later, he told me he would “definitely move up here and be ready to get married by the end of the year”. I told him “don’t tell me that! You don’t have to unless you’re really sure!” But he continued to reassure me and promise me he wouldn’t back out again.

    So the last 6 months he has been saying and doing all the right things. 3 weeks ago he gave me a moving date- dec. 12th- and had me start looking at engagement rings. Now, I must say that I have REALLY struggled with leaning back recently.. he can be pretty bad about calling me when he says he will and answering the phone and stuff, and because of some of the things he’s done in our past, I tend to get nervous and call and call and call. But I’ve been working on it. But other than that, we’ve had ZERO problems!

    So anyways, last Friday I was talking to his mom and told her how excited I am about him moving. He hadn’t told her (presumably to avoid her lectures about us “living in sin”) and she started freaking out and saying “he’s a broken man; he’s telling you what you want to hear; he’s not ready; he needs to live at home with us longer; blah blah blah.” I called him and told him and he reassured me, saying “No, she’s just out of the loop. Don’t worry! This is what I want!”. We talked the rest of the weekend and everything was normal. Then, Sunday afternoon I got to his house and he says “we need to talk”. Then he said to me everything his mom had said!!! He said “I have some doubts about how I feel about you. I know I care about you and feel really strong lifelong friend feelings, I know you are my best friend, I’m just not sure if there is anything else.” I was flabbergasted, saying “I know you love me! I’ve known what I felt from you! You just told me 3 weeks ago you were sure and wanted to get married?!?!? You promised you wouldn’t do this again!” But he kept saying it over and over, “I just need time to figure things out. I need to be alone right now. I know it’s not fair to ask you to wait. I feel awful. I’m sorry.” Then he said “I’m not going anywhere. I still want you in my life.” WTF?! Everyone in my life is shocked and everyone says “that’s ridiculous anyone can see how much he loves you when we are around the two of you and how happy you both are!”

    I feel like the earth has been yanked out from underneath me.

    At this point I am still solely concerned with wanting him to change his mind and call me and say “I’m sorry I just freaked out. I love you and I will move there.” I feel like there should be something I can say, something I can do. I feel like he is being manipulated by his mother. She told me “I have been telling him for months he is playing with your heart and he’s not ready!”. So no wonder he’s had doubt, right?! I feel like I need to beat her at this game. I feel like he is the ONE I am supposed to be with forever. He is my BEST FRIEND in the WHOLE WORLD and I can’t imagine being without him. I am terrified. We talked Sunday night, Monday night, and Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning I told him “Okay, you say you need time and space to figure this out so that is what I will give you.” He said “I’m hurting. I’m depressed. This is so hard for me. I miss you. I miss the way things were.” So I’m like…. “THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!” But he just kept saying “I know you can’t understand I just need you to trust me that this is what I need to be sure… don’t you want me to be 100% sure?!”. Anyways, I told him “Take your time and space and don’t call me for a while.” He asked if he could call on Thursday, I said no. I told him he could call me tonight (Friday) when he gets off work and we can see how it goes. He told me he would be thinking about me, praying about me, missing me. But he hasn’t called me sooner or texted me or anything. And he said “well we can still text and stuff” to which I said, “I won’t text you but go for it if you want”. I’m hoping he just hasn’t texted me because he is taking this time seriously, not because he doesn’t miss me or something. But I also haven’t texted or called him, something I feel pretty proud of.

    So he’s supposed to call me tonight at 10:30. I am incredibly anxious about this. All of my male friends are saying “Don’t answer the phone. Make him wonder about you.” But I feel like that’s playing games… so I don’t know?! I mean, maybe playing games works? But that seems to be counterintuitive to all of Rori’s tools. I really need some guidance. My family and a lot of my friends say I should just start moving on, but I can’t. I am madly in love with this man. I want to marry him. I still want him to come around. I feel like… maybe I need to play games since that’s obviously what his mom is doing? Maybe I need to just totally be unavailable tonight and make him wonder, then text him tomorrow or something? But that doesn’t really feel like “me”… although I have been making a lot of mistakes. So do I talk to him tonight? If I answer the phone, what do I do? I’m back at square one. I’m hurting so bad. I really need guidance. I just want him to make a decision. I want to know what to do to help him. I can’t believe this. I had gone through Commitment Blueprint after the last time he did this. But now I can’t even remember the basics.

    I only have 11 hours until he is supposed to call!! What should I do?!

    Please Help!!!

    Thanks in advance, much love to everyone…


  37.  #37lm on November 20, 2009 at 10:32 am

    hey ladies,

    i just thought i’d share a little bit of a success story. i’m not sure if it’s really a ‘success’

    i recently started a course in mindfulness-based stress reduction. this has helped me really get into rori’s tools in a really deep way.

    My boyfriend and i have been fighting over a couple of things i considered to be real betrayals over the past couple of months (a flirtious email to another woman and the fact that he signed up to an online dating site at a crisis point in our relationship). i have not felt safe with him since i found out and i have been so angry that it made me almost physically ill. but rori’s tools (especially the fountain tool and smiling at myself) have really helped me to feel good about myself again.

    i still react (over maybe overreact at times) to him when i’m tired and he is still sometimes distant, but since i’ve been working on ‘just being’ i have noticed that his moods and words don’t affect me so much and i am much less upset.

    i was trying to be the bossy, demanding boy in attempt to cover up my feelings of disappointment and sadness. but just sinking into my feelings, acknowledging them and lying in bed feeling them instead of starting yet another discussion about his motivations with the online dating (he says it meant nothing to him, but i still feel like a sucker for accepting that answer) has helped me feel centred and almost…calm. Almost girly!

  38.  #38Frannie on November 20, 2009 at 10:40 am

    one more thing- i just want to say that i am really afraid to just completely NOT talk to him because we live in different states! it’s not like we can just run into each other or something. so i feel like if i just COMPLETELY let go then there is no chance we will EVER come back together. so i feel like i do have to have some kind of communication with him. but i don’t know if that’s wrong!

  39.  #39Katie on November 20, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Hi Frannie

    I am sending you a great big hug! I know how you must be feeling.
    You say – “so i feel like if i just COMPLETELY let go then there is no chance we will EVER come back together. so i feel like i do have to have some kind of communication with him. but i don’t know if that’s wrong!”

    I am just seeing if I have anyhting useful to say other than to just empathise. I reckon it is one of the hardest things for us girls to do – to just stay out a of a man’s life – it feels wrong to us, because we naturally want connection and communication. It’s counter intuitive to us and I am struggling with this myself right now! No contact – or get in contact? Everyone says to me, outlast him, don’t initiate, etc. raise your value etc, etc.

    More thoughts later – sending another hug in the meantime xx.

  40.  #40DocK on November 20, 2009 at 1:33 pm

    Hi Frannie – I feel your anguish through your words. I am so sorry you are hurting.

    I know I have heard a man say something to me – it feels wonderful to hear it – and then do back pedaling – feels horrible when that happens. I know there are men out there that intentionally say things to get their way or put a woman off for awhile but I think a lot of times the guys are confused. As Rori might say – of course, he wants to be with you – you are wonderful – but he hasn’t made up his mind about you FOR REAL so he wants to keep that connection however minimal.

    I know the saying here on Siren Island is “if he isn’t right in front of you – he doesn’t exist,” but when feelings are so deep for a man and then he does this – I don’t know about you – but NOT thinking about him feels so hard – especially because I feel like I’ve been tricked or something or don’t know my own mind – I feel crazy!!!

    In light of that, and I have gone through something with some similar back and forth (haven’t most of us?) and it hurts but the best thing, for me, was to let go. Did I make mistakes? Sure. The obsessing doesn’t go away because I snapped my fingers and told it to.

    It isn’t about playing games – it’s about having plans so that when he calls you are busy, with friends, doing something you enjoy.

    “manipulating” is an interesting term because it sounds like we have little to no control – but we always do – we are grown-ups and if a man wants to be with us – he will move heaven and earth to make that happen.

    We all deserve the guy that says it, means it and does it.

  41.  #41alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 1:40 pm

    frannie, what worked for me is when i started using rori’s tools. starting with her ebook gives a great foundation. in fact, the ebook alone if thoroughly digested, assimilated and put into practice could take a woman very very far into her godessness. it may not seem like it. a woman might download the ebook and say, wtf. it’s just more words.

    for me the basis of my shift was learning to use “i feel” statements. and “i don’t want.”

    and if i know what i feel.
    and what i don’t want.
    and some of what i DO want.


    that is most of the basis for aa very satsfying adventure right there.

    but in this moment frannie i feel compassionate. i understand wanting so bad for it to work out with a particular man. so bad. please please please god let it work out with this man i have chosen because he is my most very favorite.

    but the man had not Chosen me.

    ouch. i can still feel the sting of that. i feel amazed. anyhoo.

    i feel excited you are here and participating. it takes courage to comment and participate. often there is a certain level of willingness and desire behind that. so yae! siren island is here for you and there is a ton (TON) of information on this site. and with rori’s newsletters and this blog with rori’s articles and people’s comments.

    i feel unsure if it will be as useful without the Foundation of rori’s work. but certainly it is still useful. but there are many catch phrases and language used that may not completely sink in.

    argh. i don’t want to discourage anyone.

    if i did nothing else

    using ‘i feel” statements could take me very very far on a path i want to go.

    i feel encouraging and long winded and sort of like a rori commercial and rrrrr

    i feel encouraging. i want to encourage you frannie and all sirens. you deserve happiness and love.

  42.  #42alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 1:47 pm

    “if a man wants to be with us he will move heaven and earth to be with us”

    i have felt this. probably many women have felt glimpses of this power and energy of a man in pursuit of something or someone he has made up his mind about.

    thank you docK 🙂

  43.  #43Katie on November 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    Yes, alias girl, i like how you can put thoughts and feelings into words. We feel passions in a way that is so different to men. It could be that they feel threatened by so much passion heading their way. They seem to be most articulate and passionate before we let them have sex with us – especially early on in relationship. I have found this in every relationship, the passion flows in very different ways between men and women.

  44.  #44frannie on November 20, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    thank you for your comments. I just want to say that I have been using ‘i feel’ and ‘i don’t want’ throughout the last 8 months… As well as power speeches. I have studied the ebook and I am pretty familiar to ‘rori speak’. I am really needing some specific guidance from you all about how to handle this phone call tonight… I’m not ready at all to let go. My anxiety is through the roof and I am flipping out. Can you awesome ladies please help me know how to handle this phone call tonight? I feel like I need to answer the phone, but I don’t know how to act, what to say, what to do… All I want is him to work through his fear and come back home to me.

    thank you all for your kind and loving words. Please just help me a little more…

  45.  #45Katie on November 20, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Okay, I reckon if the idea of answering the phone still feels right to do then pick it up, answer it. If unsure then just don’t be there so you won’t hear it ring. He will phone again and you can say you were out or you didn’t have cell phone on you etc.

    How about visualisation of how you want to ‘be’ in yourself when you pick up that call, in preparation, to be that wise and caring person you are. He will feel that from you in your voice.
    Just ideas, if that helps x

  46.  #46alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 3:10 pm

    frannie i feel unconvinced.

    i didn’t read any feelings in your comments but here’s what i gather. i might use:

    i feel obssessed with you. i feel a desire to focus on other people, especially the people i love and want to try and “fix” them. i feel better focussing on others so i don’t have to take care of myself.

    i feel determined to strategize rather than getting in touch with how i really feel or what is really going on.

    or maybe there are better options than what i am suggesting. i don’t know. it’s hard to say since i am me and you are you. i have no way of knowing how you feel about all of this. only what you Think you Should Do.

    i feel completely useless when it comes to telling people what i Think They Should Do.

  47.  #47frannie on November 20, 2009 at 3:16 pm

    katie- thanks I will do that!

    alias girl- you hit all that right on the head. That is EXACTLY how I feel. But are you suggesting I tell him all that? That I feel obsessed? Because it seems to me that it might freak him out if I tell him all that? What do you think?

    I am definitely going to talk to him so I’m not playing games. I’m just unsure what to say/how to act… But you are all helping me so much! I am so grateful to have you all to help me through this.

  48.  #48alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    honestly frannie i don’t know what i would share. rori says choose our words. i am NOT suggesting you tell him any specific thing. i was just illustrating how i might feelin your situation and how i have felt in my own life.

    i feel happy you are working through this. i feel very loving and supprotive.

  49.  #49Nikita on November 20, 2009 at 4:49 pm

    oooooooh . feels sooooooo dramatic on siren island…………i feel so curious……. ooooh…I feel like the fly on the wall………proposal guy back-pedaled 😉 so i texted my ex…… hehehe…..like a ROCKSTAR mmhhmmm- yes I did…..I told PG last night….”ok, I feel like I understand” 🙂
    let him think about that!……I feel good at how excited my ex was…..last time he called me I told him about PG and he didn’t sound pleased…. AT ALL…. he faked it-but I felt the truth 😉 I feel like a little pink ping-pong ball…and I like it!!!!!! I get distracted so easily…sigh* I love my distracted feelings….. I let go of PG…… maybe the universe has something better in mind—maybe my ex has turned from a frog into a prince! dunno=don’t really care 😉 I go where I feel good…where I feel welcome….PG doesn’t feel welcoming…..he feels confused to me 🙁 awww poor confused proposal guy…. I trust him to figure it out…… I trust myself to be a total ROCKSTAR with my ex…… cuz i feel comfortable with the outcome 😉 in other words- I don’t expect anything except marvelous delicious yummy man hugs!!!! I love his hugs……. and if PG can show up later, great!!! I feel good saying YES…… and if he feels confused again…..no problem….MORE YUMMY HUGS FOR ME !!! yay!!!! and i have a bouncey castle and all the other frogs and princes are welcome to come bounce in the castle with me!!! I love me!!!!

  50.  #50Nikita on November 20, 2009 at 5:16 pm

    um yeah, I DON’T want to feel like I am CONVINCING proposal guy to feel the way he did last month.

    1. I DON’T want to CONTROL him.

    2. I DO NOT want to PLAN our future.

    3. I DO NOT want to DRAG him down the aisle of “RELATIONSHIP”

    4. I DON’T want to DIRECT him.

    5. I DON’T want to FORCE him to BE a certain way.

    What I do want is to FEEL GOOD.

    proposal guy says: “blah,blah,blah.”

    I say: “that doesn’t make me happy.”

    proposal guy says: “blah,blah,blah,I can’t….blah,blah,blah”.

    I say: “I feel ready”

    proposal guy says: “blah,blah,blah”

    I say: “I feel nesty”

    proposal guy says: “I can’t…blah,blah,blah……..my family, and blah,blah,blah,………I’m so busy, I need to blah,blah,blah, …..I’m sorry,……..I just…….. blah,blah,blah,…it’s really tough right now because….Blah,blah,blah…..and blah,BLAH,BLAH,BLAH,BLAH.”

    I say: “ok, I understand”.

    Proposal guy says: “huh?”.

    I say: “bye”.

    hehehehe ….so long frong….I didn’t recognize you….you wearing the prince’s clothes….I feel so amused…. 😉

    ooooops….hehehe…you looked just like a PRINCE!!!!!
    ……awww you look like a frog again….how’d you do THAT?????

    are you a MAGICIAN? wow…..a frog—-ok……
    😉 ********bounce********




    😉 xoxo nikita 😉

    nuff said.

  51.  #51alias girl on November 20, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    ” “I can’t…blah,blah,blah……..my family, and blah,blah,blah,………I’m so busy, I need to blah,blah,blah, …..I’m sorry,……..I just…….. blah,blah,blah,…it’s really tough right now because….Blah,blah,blah…..and blah,BLAH,BLAH,BLAH,BLAH.”

    nikita i feel weird. were we dating the same man?

  52.  #52laughing goddess on November 20, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    ABC: I feel very curious about your questions. I hope Rori answers in a post!

  53.  #53Nikita on November 20, 2009 at 6:22 pm


    LOLOLOLOLOLOL- I’m on the east coast 😉 I doubt we’re dating the same the guy. . . . . . . . .

    But …..Isn’t it just the same script though>no matter who’s dating who?


  54.  #54ABC on November 21, 2009 at 12:48 am

    Laughing Goddess,

    thank you for reading my question. Did you have the same questions in mind? or similar experience?

    i’ve been thinking a lot about ME these couple days, i figure, hell if i can’t figure the men out, i can at least figure myself out. and who cares if the men are toxic, as long as i am healthy, i won’t be dragged down no matter what happens.

    Toxic Men is a very good program, i really like what David said “if you are attracting toxic people into your life, you are also toxic, you have to figure what your stuff is.”

    that’s what I am gonna do—to figure out my contribution to that.

  55.  #55alias girl on November 21, 2009 at 1:38 am

    ABC i feel good to read you are choosing to focus on yourself. i feel liberated. i feel freedom.

  56.  #56laughing goddess on November 21, 2009 at 1:54 am

    Nikita: I feel great hearing your attitude about pg. I feel inspired to have the same attitude and confidence in myself.

  57.  #57Tina on November 21, 2009 at 2:36 am

    We held hands before turning into my driveway 30 secs, I wasnt counting. How did I feel? how did I feel? I felt like holding my breath, his hands were big so I couldnt close my fingers, like my fingers stuck straight out haha. I was liking the thumb stroking, he stroked my thumb, I felt if he stroked my thumb anymore , he would have stuck my thumb in his mouth for sure, I was feeling kinda turned on actually, I feel relieved that the hand holding was very brief. His hand felt rough. He said he was nervous like a little kid on a first date. I didnt say anything Oh is all I said. He let go my hand to steer the truck into my driveway. He asked me if I “felt weird” about holding his hand, I said no and stepped back, I wasnt feeling comfortable about him asking me, as if it was a sign for him to try and kiss me, I could feel his body wanting to move toward me, so I just took another step back.

  58.  #58Tina on November 21, 2009 at 3:06 am

    We went to the hockey, I was feeling bored, I played a game about who was going to win based on my psychic predictions, then I felt excited about watching it. We went to a karaoke bar, I sang a few songs, he likes my singing 🙂 He was asked on several occassions if I was his wife blah, I feel uncomfortable when people ask , its only been a few weeks since we started dating. He said no we are on a date. hehe. He did say he was attracted to me and also he did say that he sees me in his future, he just doesnt know how I feel, I said “I feel good with you” he said ok well thats all I need to know.

  59.  #59alias girl on November 21, 2009 at 4:02 am

    aw. i feel sweetness tina. thank you for sharing that.

  60.  #60Simply Shannon on November 21, 2009 at 10:27 am

    Ladies: I apologize in advance but I haven’t read any of the posts yet. I feel super annoyed and need some advice.

    Mr. Manly Man sent me another email last night. It’s another bitch-fest basically saying he thinks I’m either playing games with him or that I believe he’s not the right one for me. Can you say pathetic? Why not just tell me to profess my undying love for you? GRRR! I truly feel done with his shit. I’ve crafted a short email but I don’t know if I should even send it. Here’s the email.

    [Mr. Manly Man], Ok, I understand. You have every right to do and believe what you want. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks so little of me that they believe I’m playing games. I feel appreciative of the time we shared. I felt connected when we were together, but I feel disinterested in pursuing this further. Shannon

    What do you think Sirens? Should I send it? Or just ignore the email and stop talking to him? I feel so effin’ annoyed!!! Maybe just a simple “Ok, I understand.” What do ya’ll think?

    Ugh. I feel annoyed that I am wasting one single brain cell on this conversation.

  61.  #61Katie on November 21, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Simply Shannon

    I don’t know the background but it sounds like he is asking those two questions out in the open, like he just wants a direct reply. Don’t get into a bitch fest thing if thats what is happening. You’ve got to rise above all that (on ya wings) and just give it to him straight he’s a guy they like to have things straight.

    Also if I am unsure about an email etc I save it in drafts, go out for a walk, leave it a few hours or days and read it again. See how it mellows and matures in me. Then send or amend or neither.

  62.  #62Katie on November 21, 2009 at 12:51 pm

    Hah, I say all this but i sent a note to my man 4 months ago – too harsh and did damage that we haven’t yet repaired. But that was because I was angry and I just EXPLODED!!
    But I have learnt my lesson and then I found this great blog and started getting to learning about Rori’s tools. But not on him yet! :0 – But I may be meeting him for coffee tomorrow. So little tiny baby steps!!

  63.  #63Nikita on November 21, 2009 at 1:04 pm


    what do you want?,………in a perfect world….sounds like a tantrum…..He’ll apologize later.

    If you are certain you want his head to roll-by all means…send it…

    But if you are hoping he can understand and keep dating-I’d use different words if it were me…

    these words feel a littl controlly and teachy to me

  64.  #64Nikita on November 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    “you have every right to….”

    Um-I don’t feel comfy hearing a person tell me my rights……NO….I don’t want to hear about MY RIGHTS. I know my rights…….thank-you very much.

    Babe, I don’t want to be a girlfriend……I want to be a wife.
    And when you are ready to have THAT conversation I feel good about having an honest and open dialogue about it……until then it feels like we’re putting the cart before the horse….I don’t want to be dissapointed down the road….I want to be certain……I feel good when I’m with you….but I feel really pressured and sometimes even angry when I hear those things….it doesn’t make me happy….I want to be happy……I want to feel good….I want to feel secure.

    xxx nikita

    whatcha’ think 😉 ???

  65.  #65Simply Shannon on November 21, 2009 at 1:56 pm

    Nikita & Katie: Thank you! I just had this conversation with my mom. Basically I do feel mellow now. This boy likes me or he wouldn’t be doing this. But then again is this a passive aggressive ploy to get himself off the hook. And **I** reading more into and he’s wanting to walk? I don’t know and it’s not my business, right. I guess I’m wondering how to say no to someone I’m feeling is maybe toxic.

    Here’s the last paragraph of his email.

    Well the ball is in you court. No emailing back and forth. If I get a call OK. If I don’t well I guess it was just all a game to you. I thought I was giving you this [the list in my profile] but OK. Again if I hear from you ok, If not I will take it that I don’t do these things and/or I am just a game to you.
    This is toxic, right? I almost feel amused now, because the poor fella is hanging himself with his own rope. No that’s not right. I still feel annoyed and insulted. I feel so thankful for circular dating because I truthfully don’t care enough about this one man that if he walked it would hurt me. And that feels so strange to say because when we’re together, he’s everything I thought I ever wanted in a man. But this crap that he does every few weeks. I just can’t deal with it. Hot/cold/hot/cold. When do you say NO and walk?


  66.  #66Kaitlyn on November 21, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    Fernando!!! I love when men come on here. It really is a beacon and gives us perspective. We need that male pov. That said, where’s Terrance Thames?

  67.  #67Katie on November 21, 2009 at 2:28 pm

    Wow Nikita

    What you wrote just there, is clear and powerful, no messing! I am in awe!! It’s like – ‘step up or step off – Mr Man’ clearly stated.

    Last night, I just watched Modern Siren all the way through and I was so inspired and moved to tears when I saw the last section with women actually working through feeling messages. It was amazing to see how Rori helped them to open up. “I feel” – its about us opening up for ourselves more than for anyone else.
    Fantastic, moving, helpful, informative and wow!

  68.  #68Simply Shannon on November 21, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Ok, new idea (stealing some words from Nikita):

    I feel confused. I don’t want to feel bad for updating my profile. I never said I wasn’t getting those things from you. What are your reasons for thinking I feel that way or that I’m playing games? I feel good when I’m with you but I felt angry when I read your email. It doesn’t make me feel happy. I want to feel happy. I want to feel good. I want to feel safe to do what feels right for me.


    I’m struggling here because a part of me says to let this man go. To not pet his ego and tell him for the third time now that I’m interested in getting to know him. Right this second, I do not feel open to going out with him. I don’t want to feel pressured or bad about seeing other men. It’s one thing for him to be unhappy about it (I get that) but it’s quite another for him to insult me and be passive aggressive about it. I mean, I updated my effin’ profile. He saw it and somehow the words I wrote on my profile mean that he’s not giving me those things or that I’m playing games with him. Huh?

  69.  #69Katie on November 21, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    Simply Shannon

    I feel ‘NO’ about being with people that I can’t be authentic with and I start to have to bend my insides into contortions in their company.
    If you feel you can’t be authentic with this man or when you are authentic he doesn’t ‘get’ it then maybe it is time for the speech a bit along the lines of Nikita’s above. Perhaps it is the dating other guys that is ‘smoking him out.’ Or perhaps he is being the way he is because he’s learning and growing too and having his boundaries pushed and tested. Hard to say if he’s really toxic though.

  70.  #70Simply Shannon on November 21, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Also, interesting to note that this man’s “message” to me is that he is my mirror. He is a reflection of the woman I was in the past. The one who wanted to lock down the man, the one who was quick to move into a relationship. Yep. I got that message. Loud and crystal clear.

    The second message is that even though I want a man who is “in charge” and leads, I do not want a man who controls. I’m not a child and I don’t want to be treated like one.

    Off to relax and do nothing. I don’t want to email him while I’m still feeling angry. Maybe later after I’ve burned off some energy.

  71.  #71Katie on November 21, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    I may be seeing my man (ex-man) 2morrow and i don’t know how to be.

    I can’t be too direct or too honest about what I want. I want to get back together but I can’t MAKE that happen or CONTROL the outcome so I am practising feeling messages.

    I think I want to rename my house Siren Island 🙂

  72.  #72Flipper on November 21, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    Simply S – What about Simply ‘I feel annoyed.’ ? with NADA else – NO explaining, NO prescribing, NO blaming, NO excusing, NO breaking off…. JUST one simple, true feeling message in Response to him. Puts the ball entirely back in his court.

    Great job of figuring out the messages for you. Have fun out doing what you’re doing, truly unconcerned about whether he wants to play in your league or not.xoxo

  73.  #73alias girl on November 21, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    yae simply shannon, great job, i agree!! and also i feel fabulous about the decision to do nada in regards to it at this moment. yae!

  74.  #74alias girl on November 21, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    flipper i liked the idea of just that one feeling message and thus putting it back in his court. that feels kind of brilliant and yet loving to all parties. i feel fabulous.

  75.  #75Tina on November 21, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    I was just going to say the same thing a minute ago, I called my sister and just about to post ha. Simply Shannon this feels like a good response ” I feel annoyed” or whatever it is your feeling about it. I feel _______ if your having trouble refer to Docks list of feelings 🙂 I feel manipulated! I feel forced! I feel …

  76.  #76Tina on November 21, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    I was just contaced through dating site from a man (from what I can see from his profile) who is um I dont know how to say this…into uh bondage? He contacted me and said hi. I looked at his profile, he is attractive, a good profile nothing about bondage other than what is in his interests section lol. He asked me if ive had luck, I said if you mean by luck as dinner, coffee, yes than I have had luck, I asked him the same, he said no, were emailing back and forth, talk about pink elephant in the room.

  77.  #77Nikita on November 21, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    SS, Flipper, AG,

    I like I feel annoyed. I also like I feel manipulated….that’s what I’m hearing after reading more.

    Manipulated…is that really a “feeling” that doesn’t place blame..?

    But yes =a feeling that requires an apology from the Man so I can feel better and trusting……

    I would feel hurt and stuff though if I was really into somebody and I kept observing that they updated their profile….I would feel lots of fluttering in my heart…..and sadness…..I empathize…..but ….. *sigh* it feels all in my face……It feels icky….and I feel like giving up-it’s true 🙁

    I remember seeing that a guy I liked was on-line a lot…even though he always called and asked me out every weekend….I felt really insecure about it….honestly…..like-if you like me so much, why are you still shopping around?-I don’t feel comfy taking you seriously….I feel like protecting myself……..so I dated others and then ended up back with my ex…*sigh* 🙁

    I don’t want you to feel bad SS- I’m just being honest about my feelings…but I feel supportive of you….if he’s being mean about it………

    But I feel like ….Mr Man just feels INSECURE and even more insecure because he’s “supposed to be” a “manly man”…..and yeah, that is his stuff…..

    I agree……an e-mail feels better-he can’t “ultimatum you” demanding a phone call!!! I call B.S.!!!!!

    He wants reassurance that he isn’t wasting his time-ok, I get that….but it is “his stuff”……….I would just open my heart completely and show him how vulnerable we all are as women…..”waiting” to picked “for the team”…or else *gasp! we might be called spinsters….I mean really-dude! I am a woman and my TIME IS MORE EXPENSIVE THAN YOURS AND I’LL BE DAMNED IF I LET YOU WASTE 3 YEARS OF MY LIFE ONLY TO ROLL OVER AND SAY “I’M NOT FEELING IT” WTF??????? DO I HAVE STUPID WRITTEN ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD?????? I’M INTERESTED IN A MAN…….ALL TEMPER TANTRUM THROWING 3 YEAR OLD BOYS WHO HAVEN’T FIGURED THEIR SHIT OUT PLEASE MIND YOUR MANNERS AND RESPECT MY GANGSTA’ ——THIS IS WHAT “GROWN FOLKS” DO!!!!!!!! WTF…..DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING WET NURSE TO YOU???????

    hugs and sweet soft pink kisses 😉
    nikita !

  78.  #78Daria on November 21, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Personally I would say…

    I’m feeling sad and drained and really angry… furious.

  79.  #79Daria on November 21, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    I am actually feeling good.

  80.  #80Simply Shannon on November 21, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Tina: I’ve had a few guys email me who had “interesting” things on their profiles. I feel quite surprised sometimes by the boldness of men on dating sites. My initial thought is “wow, way to put it out there buddy!” 😉 I’ve actually written to a few of them saying “I feel curious about XYZ. What were your reasons for putting that on your profile?” The responses are always interesting. If I feel curious, I ask. 🙂

    Melanie: Is T “safe” because he’s not right here and basically inaccessible to you? I feel empathy because I’m slowly realizing how scared of intimacy I’ve been. The boy I can’t really have (and is therefore “safe” because I won’t have to be vulnerable to him) was usually the one I was most attracted to. I’ve been working on that a lot. I feel curious if any of that might be happening with you as well. As to the long distance, I feel scared having a long distance relationship. Like Rori says “if he’s not in front of you, he doesn’t exist”. I feel weird communicating through text and email. It feels impersonal. Talking on the phone or face to face feels real because it’s real-time communication. I dunno. I feel interested in how that relationship feels to you. As for D and any other circular dates, I would need to see how I feel at each moment. I would feel open to going, not for their sake but for my own. It’s all free therapy. I can practice on all of them and just see what happens. No harm, no foul.

  81.  #81Simply Shannon on November 21, 2009 at 6:25 pm

    Nikita: Love the fire girl! I love how you stay all soft and flowy most of the time and then every once in awhile, POW…. FIRE! 😉 I feel in complete agreement with everything you said. About updating the profile, I thought I would feel that way, but with Mr. Manly Man, he’s taken to changing up his photos lately and I don’t feel phased by it. It was a non-issue to me. I know I’m a rockstar. I don’t know. I didn’t feel threatened by it. Maybe that means I just don’t have such strong feelings for him. I really don’t know, but the true is, it didn’t bother me. And truthfully, it feels a little creepy to me that he’s checking my profile so much. I hardly ever check his profile. That feels like he’s checking up on me.

    I’m feeling more relaxed about this whole thing with Mr. Manly Man. I still haven’t emailed him, and I feel uncertain about doing it at all. We’ve talked before about how it’s not wise to discuss important topics by email. He knows that, and he did it anyway. I dunno. Maybe he wants out and this is way of doing it. I feel okay either way. I don’t feel compelled to email him or explain myself or my profile. He feels what he feels and if he truly believes me capable of playing games, then he doesn’t really know me at all. And right this second, I feel uninterested in continuing to play this game.

    Okay, now I’m going to actually read Rori’s post. LOL! I feel relieved not to be as triggered as I was earlier. My goodness I felt like my head was on fire!

  82.  #82Lucy on November 21, 2009 at 5:50 pm

    I recently started circular dating, and so far it is feeling rotten. The three guys I went out with (2 lunch, 1 coffee) fell head-over-heels for me, and they are calling, texting, writing me poetry, etc., but I do not feel at all the same way, so I feel bad for them because they are really nice guys. One guy (the coffee date) I said yes to a second date — he made dinner at his house, we watched a movie, then (maybe b/c of drinking wine for the first time in years) I had sex with him. It was nice, but I think it made him feel even more interested in me, and now I don’t know what to do. I answered two of his emails since then, and none of his phone calls. I also became very sick after the date b/c the alcohol reacted with my meds (and i told him that in an email.) I got this email from him tonight:
    “My week is okay. I feel terrible that you got sick. I’d like to do something this weekend, if you think you’ll be up to it maybe a short time Sat. or Sun. Go to a bookstore, etc. nothing strenuous. Let me know. Okay? With fondness, D.”

    The truth is, I don’t really feel like seeing him again, but I know that if the tables were turned — if I liked a guy who had sex with me and he never wanted to see me again, I would feel bad and used. I don’t want him to feel bad. But I’m not really into him. I am actually into a guy who lives 10 hours away, in another state. T. and I have been texting and emailing for three months now, and he says he is going to come see me as soon as he can. I am trying to stay open to other men, which is why I started circular dating — trying to get my mind and heart off T. But it is back-firing! My uncomfortable feelings I have about the guys I went out with who are now obssessed with me are making me feel MORE drawn to T b/c I feel comfortable with him and want to run towards that feeling of comfort, safety, happiness, fun, warmth, affection, GOOD feelings instead of the bad feelings I have with the other guys! So, b/c of feeling sick AND b/c of feeling uncertain about how to handle all this, I have not responded to T’s last two texts!

    So… 1. What do I do about D’s invitation to spend time together this weekend? 2. What do I do about texting T ?

    It would feel so much better if T and D would just switch places!!!

    It would feel good to hear advice from you all — I read so many of your comments and I feel such affection and camaraderie with you, and feel proud of you even though I’ve never met you!

  83.  #83Daria on November 21, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    I dreamt of that man that i love again. hmm . this dream too he was like still mad at me, and then he finally says hi daria how are you… and i say i feel cool i’ve been feeling weird… the interaction is short he goes on his way i feel pulled… just like real life

    yesterday i went to this session with this healer and one of the things i was releasing was pain from not having what i want ie him. i cried and shit and then i was liek NO i still want him haha and i was laughing and crying…


    guess whos on my horse i guess

  84.  #84Daria on November 21, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    we also touched on my cellular memory’ of living in a village and my desire oh my desire of building a tribe around me

    so he gave me a cool tool which is to not to reject people but to imagine that everyone that is around me, even in the cars in traffic , is my tribe. right now.. cuz i am a creator – Creatrix

    i like this tool and even tho i feel scared or judging of some people in my tribe i feel like practicing this tool

    also we got in touch with teh part of me in my child self who got shut down when people were mean to me when i moved here… aww it felt so sad

    it was the part of me that was Curious and able to open conversations with people, the part of me that gets out when i drink… haha…

    also the part of me that was part of a tribe by birthright was rather mean! queenly entitled bitchy and mean to other people sometimes, which i think i was in my childhood sometimes, not letting people playing my videogames, hogging attention, and robbing little kids for their biscuits

    so i embraced that part awa… and then yesterday in the shop i felt like saying hi to this girl, like casually asking her about her hair, then i shut it donw and I FELT the energy it took to shut that part down, and realized i do this HOLD BACK all the time from engaging with people and asking them stuff im curious about or just making eye contact

    because i thought people would reject me and i would feel weird and overeager and they would judge me like when i was little awww’

    love me

    glad to have this part and to work on this

    im much more aware even tho i didnt talk to the girl in the shop i jsut felt like i could at any second

    i feel more aware of my body

    very aware

    i can tell when adrenaline is pumping, what my liver is doing, etc


    he was right i was more aware and in tune and feeling more creatorlike hehe even tho it was subtle… i was just … able to feel what i was feeling, the shut down anxiety that was basically a habit… and then just feel it yet “watch” it the feeling realize that its just a pattern i learned and can unlearn

    pretty cool

    also fun to imagine all the people as my tribe

  85.  #85Daria on November 21, 2009 at 7:34 pm


    I also did EFT for my student and working with her and I was just doing one bad thought/feeling at a time one round… and then it was just feeling not good but i persisted cuz “resistance” is showing that really big good stuff is coming

    and wow I actually got to really GOOD feelings and was breathing deep my breath felt REFRESHING it was yummy

  86.  #86Linda on November 21, 2009 at 11:24 pm

    Hi Gang

    I was surprise to see my comment on here for this post. I have been true to trying to feel…

    I am letting my feelings lead me.

    Today I saw a man that I went out with a few times in September. He is the one that I wrote about, respecting him becasue of the way he treated me.

    I want to tell you I just felt with him today. I did not worry about what he was feeling or what the other things that are in his life that I did not find totally desirable. Instead I just concentrated on how I felt when I was with him. I saw him differently than before. He came to help me with yardwork. Raking leaves etc. I just looked at him as he worked, He is 6’3″ and 10 years younger than me. He is playful has a great smile and just wants to be “wanted” not “needed”. He fixed some things, my dog tie out and my rake just because. I just let him. Admired him. Let him be the boy and I was the girl. THere is a was a great chemistry between us today. He tackled me and pinned me in the leaves, just laughing asking me what I was gonna do?…. I just laughed and threw leaves on him, lay there looking back at him….and he kissed me. Like a scene out of a movie. …… It was so much fun, working with him. He even commented that he had not had that much fun working in a long time. ….. This guys energy is all boy… and I can just relax and be all girl. I can just “be” with him. I LOVE IT….

    His heart is on the mend, mine was when I first met him in September. He is coming back tomorrow morning, I am excited to see him. I told him today that it felt really good to be with him and I felt all girly with him. He told me he missed me and without knowing it we were sorta in each others spell. It was magical. I wanted to linger in it and put it in a bottle.

    It was about how I felt today and he was warm and masculine and I found him very Sexy!…. I might have found something worth investing in.

    I went out on a circular date tonight… I felt relaxed, I am not worried about anything, just being me in the moment. I am telling you, something wonderful has shifted for me. Even if my big masculine man does not land in my life for keeps, I know how it feels to “BE” now. It is delightful, uncombersome and yummy. mmmmm

    OH… I keep getting emails and texts from ex-bull rider. I have ignored him. He stood me up and disrespected me two times in a row. It feels good to stay focused on what makes me feel good.

    (Thanks RORI)

    Hugs… Linda

  87.  #87laughing goddess on November 22, 2009 at 12:10 am

    Congratulations Linda. I feel inspired hearing your story.

  88.  #88Katie on November 22, 2009 at 2:56 am

    Sounds great! Just being in the moment and letting things just “BE” however they are.

  89.  #89alias girl on November 22, 2009 at 3:13 am

    cutie pie alert. cutie pie alert.

    …status has been changed to mr yum-o-rama.

    in other news my nexy door neighbors are having not quiet sex. arghf.

  90.  #90Lucy on November 22, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    Simply Shannon: Thanks for your response to my post. I’ve asked myself that, too: does T feel “safe” b/c he’s far away and I am afraid of real intimacy. I also asked my therapist, and we both feel that is not the case. It seems that he is just the right combination of smart and sexy and spiritual for me — a combination that I rarely find.

    HOWEVER, the last few days I have felt . . . alienated, lost, sad, confused, yucky, weirded-out . . . and anything BUT safe with him!!! I have not been in contact with him at all, still did not respond to his last two texts which were several days ago, and he has not texted anymore since then. The really yucky thing is that all of a sudden he is collecting female friends on facebook who are — I googled their names — porn models!!! Like, half his age, too. That just feels weird to me. I feel so sad. I miss him. Part of me wishes I had responded to his texts last week, but part of me feels glad that I didn’t, since he is now doing this on facebook…. I feel confused. I feel curious, very curious, about why he would add them on facebook. I feel an ache in my heart. I feel like sleeping until my heart stops hurting. I feel stupid for falling for him. I feel caring because I want what’s best for him. I feel curious about whether he is still depressed, which he has been for about a month. I feel abandoned. He was so sweet and caring and loving and comforting to me; was it just an act??? I feel curious about that. I feel desperate to feel better. I feel disappointed, deeply disappointed, in how this is turning out. I had felt very hopeful and happy and optimistic about him…..

  91.  #91Lucy on November 22, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I also have that Carrie Underwood song, Cowboy Casanova, running through my head. 🙁

  92.  #92Tina on November 22, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    SimplyShannon, my guess is he is looking for a relationship , well his profile says “dating” so I dunno. I googled some of his “interests” and ended up spending my evening reading up on the subject, I was like whoa, feels frightening and painful to me, I guess thats the idea. I am curious about what he thought that made him feel compelled to email me, was it something I said? my vibe, because I do remember someone mentioning “vibes” on profiles. Would I look good in leather hehehe dunno. Did he sense Crazy B, is she running my profile? god girl Behave!

  93.  #93Tina on November 22, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    I feel bored, I feel indifferent, my body feels tight, I feel achy in my lower back, my legs too. Between my shoulder blades feels tight. I feel um torqued ha ha yeah that’s right, I feel torqued. I feel good now that I know how I am feeling hehe. I would love to believe that when I say ” I love my indifference” I mean it, but I dont mean it, I love that I can do something about it though. I dont have to stay in this feeling, My boy energy is taking care of my girl energy 🙂

  94.  #94Tina on November 22, 2009 at 5:55 pm

    My body feels torqued hehe oh yeah, I feel torqued damnit, hahaha I love my feelings of feeling bored, indifferent and torqued damnit, I’m gonna take care of you TINA dont you worry about it , ok thank you.

  95.  #95Ann on November 22, 2009 at 6:12 pm

    I saw a Kay’s jewelrey comercial today. Something that was said on it I felt deserved to be share here. The lady told what her mother had always said to her. Which lead to the design. She had 2 hearts on top of each other each one was open on the side.

    Her mother had told her: Let your heart be open, to let the love in.

  96.  #96Tina on November 22, 2009 at 6:16 pm

    Five minute yoga works wonders, I feel less tension, I still feel bored, indifferent still, just not so much, I feel much better that I am feeling aware how I am feeling. haha “five minute feeling workout” nice.

  97.  #97Tina on November 22, 2009 at 6:21 pm

    Thank you Melanie, I feel happy that I can be useful to my fellow sirens:)

    Ann, I”m working on letting some love in! weeee

  98.  #98Tina on November 22, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    I feel silly now, Im making up words for a song ahaha, “Sirens Blues” hehehe,

  99.  #99Tina on November 22, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    Of course it’s a upbeaty song anyway brb gotta go shave my legs! I wanna feel pretty 🙂

  100.  #100Melanie on November 22, 2009 at 6:39 pm

    “Whenever you see love coming, welcome it with open arms and let it enter into you. People will ask, ‘Are you in love?’ You will say, ‘No, love is in me.'” ~ unknown

  101.  #101Linda on November 22, 2009 at 6:52 pm

    It is Sunday night. I have been busy. Very different from before just 2 weeks ago. I think my internal shift has rooted and it is beginning to bear some fruit.

    I decided to write back exbull rider man. Ignoring him for a few days was appropriate until I felt ready to respond. I know I did not have to write him but I felt it important to lay it out on the line with him.

    After consulting my Drama queen, warrior woman and myself we decided he would be treated humainly but not be granted access to my life. Keeping my focus on what I want and dont want and what I will and wont tolerate too.

    He told me he was sorry for fowling up and being chicken and…. please give him another chance to meet me…. blah blah.. my truck is broken down, I set my house on fire but got it put out… blah blah blah… I am not a irresponsible person really… blah blah blah… I thought I would try one more time,, surely you are a caring person…. !!!!!!

    Here is my response to his pleading emails and text messages…..

    “Sorry things are going so badly for you right now, I hope they get better soon.
    Your reasons for deciding to not meet me or return my phone call last week are yours. I am left with making a decision and judgement based on what happened. I will tell you that I felt very disrespected and that is something that I will not tolerate. Intergrity is of the utmost importance to me. I am not uncaring or uncompassionate. Being ignored does not feel good. This is not the first experience I have had with being treated with less than a friendly common curtosy of a returned phone call, even if what needs to be said is not what you think the other person wants to hear. I do not wish to be treated that way and I wont. Thank you for your appology, it is accepted. However, I feel that if you thought it was okay to do this in the first place, then we simply do not value the same things.”

    It feels very good to speak honestly about how I feel and why. This guy was such a hunk!… but a hunk of what? I did not try to figure him out, just simply made a decision based on what I felt and what I want in my life. It is simple and uncomplicated, something I have promised myself I will live like from now on.


    On another note, I saw my other friend this morning. I made him breakfast, he did a bit of yard work but not until after we sat on the couch and talked, and goofed, and flirted. I am going to be true to me, use my feeling messages and see what happens. He used to call me all the time back in September, he is not pursuing me like that this time. I am leaned back but responding and the banter between us feels electric. Once again, he is mending. he is feeling me out..dropping hints, told me that he never thought he would find such a beautiful woman, he tested the waters with me about his kids today… I got the caring woman, motherly thing covered. no sweat… This man has my attention but…I still am holding my options open and circular dating, if I can find a person that is worth any effort…. Practice, yummy practice.

    I had a good week and week end. I want more just like this one.

    hugs… Linda

  102.  #102Ann on November 22, 2009 at 6:55 pm

    Thanks Melanie. I have a list of quotes I’m collecting. Ever so often I’m putting one on my Facebook page, hoping it might brighten someones day. I added yours to my list.

    Here’s another one I recieved from a commercial today:

    “The year appreciation may be the biggest gift of all.”

    Tina I also am working on letting love in.

  103.  #103Lucy on November 22, 2009 at 6:00 pm

    I love that, Tina: I’m gonna take care of you TINA dont you worry about it , ok thank you.

    So… I’m gonna take care of you Melanie, don’t you worry about it, ok thank you.

    I feel grateful for Tina. 🙂

  104.  #104Tina on November 22, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    Linda, good for you. I feel funny about the truck broke down and he burnt his house lol

  105.  #105Ann on November 22, 2009 at 7:33 pm

    Alot of typos for me today. That should say: “This year appreciation may be the biggest gift of all.”

  106.  #106Simply Shannon on November 22, 2009 at 7:44 pm

    Linda: I can feel the shift in your words. So much different than how I perceived you were feeling a few weeks ago. It feels so good to hear the strength and softness in your voice.

    So after not replying to Mr. Manly Man yesterday, I felt calm about it today and was going to email him back. I went to church and then had my family over. About that time, he texted me saying “I guess I’m just a game to you. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Have a good Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

    What a manipulative little boy!!! Nope. I felt (and still feel) annoyed and uninterested in seeing this man. I understand how he felt frustrated with me for not being his girlfriend but WTH? Grow up little boy. So this is the email I sent:

    [Mr. Litte Boy], I felt stunned and angry when I read your email yesterday so it felt better to wait and reply when I didn’t feel so upset. I felt calmer today and was going to email you once I got a chance.

    Unfortunately when I got your last text… I just feel annoyed. Reading your email/text suggesting I’m playing games… that just feels bad. I don’t want to be with someone who thinks so little of me that they believe I’m playing games. I don’t want to feel bad. I want to feel good and safe and happy.

    I feel appreciative of the time we shared. I felt connected when we were together, but I feel uninterested in pursuing this further. I hope you have a great Thanksgiving and Christmas too. I truly wish you well.

    Sincerely, Shannon

    He replied back. “Blah, blah… you don’t know how to handle someone that is willing to give you themself. Blah, blah…just calling it as I see it. You want to be able to date whomever you want and I was wanting a relationship that could lead to something else. Its obvious we both are going in two different directions.”
    I feel proud of myself for standing up for what I want and not backing down just to make HIM feel better. This has been a great lesson for me. I “get it” now how pressuring anyone to be in a relationship without a SERIOUS commitment isn’t what I want or that I will ever do to anyone else again. It feels good to be open with everyone and take my time getting to know someone. I don’t want to settle. I want to feel certain and safe.

    I’ve actually learned a lot from this experience. I would consider telling him thank you but I don’t feel it’s necessary or wise to email him again. I just feel done with it.

    Frog exiting stage left…

  107.  #107Nikita on November 22, 2009 at 7:48 pm

    awwww….. Thanks Ann. 🙂

  108.  #108laughing goddess on November 22, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Hi ABC: I believe that I may be dealing with similar issues which is part of why I feel so curious about Rori’s feedback on your test. I have been realizing a trained theme that I have is: I think that if people (or god) see how sad I am then they will give me what I want.

    I think that it came from being a kid and throwing a fit and getting my way but now as an adult, being sad feels pitiful.

  109.  #109alias girl on November 22, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    yae simply shannon. thank you for sharing. i feel i learned a lot from it as well. 🙂

    my mr yum-o-rama so far only seems interested in asking questions pertaining to my level of interest for him. which honestly now is waning.

    “yes you’re great, i’m interested, you’re cute, i’m interested etc etc” —-STOP FISHING FOR MORE. i feel like he is TAKING. and wanting MORE. ick.

    ‘well WHY are you interested? ‘ he basically keeps asking. i feel turned off. also i am not looking for pen pals.

    it will be the one in a million man for me. i just simply don’t match up with a lot of men.

    anyway, he’s not the only fish in the sea. just the most recent one i felt a spark of interest with. until he doused it with his vacuum energy. HE IS THE ONE SUPPOSED TO BE SHOWERING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WITH COMPLIMENTS. I AM THE GODDESSS. I WENT OUT WITH MY EX ONCE AND WORE MY PRETTIEST DRESS AND HE SAID NADA TO ME.


    are we clear, universe?

    thank you.

  110.  #110Simply Shannon on November 22, 2009 at 8:38 pm

    Tina: LOL! Crazy Bitch must have sprayed her perfume on your profile. I feel amused by men who put sexual preferences on their profile or pictures of themselves half naked. Seriously? Are they planning to come to the first date dressed like that? Let’s save the sex talk until after we establish that we like each other. 🙂

    Melanie: For me, this is the beauty of circular dating. when I’m seeing other men, I’m not laser focused on any one of them. Sure, I may like one or two more than the others BUT if something shifts with the ones I like, I’m not left standing there with no other options. I would feel concerned about the porn friends too. It’s none of my business really but I would feel curious about it.

    AG: Thank you! Mr. Little Boy is now affectionately known as Mr. Vacuum. Yep – that’s exactly how I felt too. The emails and the tantrums were all a ploy to get me to say “I like you. I want to go out with you.” Damn dude, do you want an effin’ billboard?? 🙂 I’m going out with you, remember? It was never enough though. I just updated my profile for goodness sake. And from that, I get told I’m playing games and I’m not interested in him. What? This is all in his mind. He needs some of Rori’s tools to stop thinking so much. LOL! Goodbye frog. I feel hopeful that Mr. Yum-O-Rama will change his tune.

  111.  #111alias girl on November 22, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    goodness in heaven, he just did it again.

    all i could muster to write back was:

    “i am a goddess. i feel good to be with men who treat me as such.”

    it won’t make sense to him but i had a hard time putting my feelings into a message that wasn’t blaming him.

    so that was the best i could do. ah bummer. i was initially excited about this guy but ALL he seems to want to hear about is how great he is or how much i am attracted to him or why i might be attracted to him. which is fine. I like to hear that too. but i feel we did that part and now maybe we can take a chill on it and let’s talk about SOMETHING ELSE. sports, the weather, the holidays, how you can please me. etc.

    what is the message?

    the message is I AM THE GODDESSS. I AM THE GIFT. and i don’t really want to date men who don’t get that.


    there are SO MANY ways to please me. it could go on for eternity.

    his happiness with pleasing me could be everlasting.

  112.  #112laughing goddess on November 22, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Loving how active and lively the forum is! It feels great to hear from all of you goddesses! You all feel so beautiful and loving to me!!!

    So I am finishing up this project that I have been working on and I will have a lot more free time and I want to brainstorm and come up with a list of fun things that I will do with my free time.

    I want to keep my spirits up because I have been working with J on this project and now its over and I am worried that I will get depressed because I am not hanging out with him. I really really don’t want to do that. I want to fill my life with so many good things that I don’t even miss him.

    Soooo, I’m going to come up with a list of fun things to do! Any suggestions are appreciated!

  113.  #113Tina on November 22, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    Alias girl from time to time I need to be reminded of my STATUS! hehehe

  114.  #114Simply Shannon on November 22, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    I feel bummed. My last post isn’t showing up, and I feel too tired to retype it right now. I’ll come back tomorrow. Boohoo.

  115.  #115Tina on November 22, 2009 at 9:28 pm

    I’m eating crackers and cheese thats kinda fun. Chatting with this guy on MY HORSE is kind fun.

  116.  #116laughing goddess on November 22, 2009 at 10:21 pm

    Sooooo, I’m feeling scared because the project I have been working on with J is ending and we decided to give our friendship some space. We have been literally working together non-stop for the past few months and at one point we decided that when the project was over we would not talk for a while because we were both feeling disturbed about our dynamic. Since that talk, things have gotten a lot better. We have worked through some big issues and things have been feeling good between us. Well, the project is ending and J brought that up that we agreed to take space and I feel scared now that the time is here. He said that he had noticed a big difference in the way I have been acting lately. I’ve been practicing working my disturbances out within myself (using a lot of the tools I found here). That was his main complaint, that I would get disturbed about aspects of our relationship, mainly wanting them to be different, and I would take it out on him by being angry, or blaming, or being passive aggressive. I have been working on that and he said he has noticed a big difference but he also said that he thinks we should still take some space because he feels unsure that the change will stick and he feels like space will make the dynamic change between us. He said he feels disturbed about this decision too and is unsure if it is the right thing. I know that part of the reason he is sticking with the decision, even though things have changed, is because it is really important to him to stick to his word…and since we agreed to it, we should stick with it. I agreed with him that it would be the best thing…and I do still feel mostly in agreement with that statement but I also feel scared of being alone. I feel afraid that I will get depressed for the winter.

    I don’t want to feel scared though. I want to feel trusting, knowing that this is the best thing. I want to feel so full and excited about my life so that I don’t even notice the void. I really really want to trust that the universe is looking out for me and that I will be okay. I am so scared that I will sink down into a deep depression. I really don’t want to do that. I still feel unclear as to why he wants the space. The conversation went really well. I said I understood and I was vulnerable with my feelings and he got soft hearing them and I felt connected to him but now, I realize I still feel confused as to why he wants this. I asked him and he told be but I still feel confused. I feel curious about this feeling of confusion. Why am I having such a hard time understanding? He told me that he feels tired and burnt out from the project, but that he is not feeling any disturbance with me, but that he wants our dynamic to change and that he has felt a change and it feels good, but he is not sure how permanent it is. He said he also feels disturbed because he is not sure that this is the right decision….but I still don’t get it?

    I dunno, making I am having a hard time getting it because I just don’t want to

    Ooooooo, I feel rambling. I feel good though rambling. It feels good to get it out and work through my feelings

  117.  #117Linda on November 23, 2009 at 5:54 am

    Why is it the men you want to hear from you dont and the men you dont want to hear from you do?

    I guess all we can do is be ourselves, wait for the man who Gets IT…. and wants to make us a priority. I want to feel safe too. Like that wording.

    Keeping up our boundries and not giving too much attention to the ones that just dabble… I am waiting for that man to come in to my life. He is on his way.


  118.  #118Tracy on November 23, 2009 at 6:09 am

    That sounds lovely…..yay..

  119.  #119Aldonza on November 23, 2009 at 8:40 am

    @ Simply Shannon
    Manly Man is a clinger. I recognize the type because…well…that was me. He liked you, a lot. But he didn’t know how to handle the scary feelings that he got when you didn’t just fall into his arms and dance off into the sunset. The question I have when I meet a clinger is…is he a clinger by nature? Or was he triggered by me? I’ve met both types. They can be frustrating and scary when they want to go from 0 – instant relationship in a matter of weeks. (In one case, he wanted to be exclusive before the first date!)

    The passive-aggressive drives me the battiest…because *I* was the queen of it! Yes, we revile most what we hate in ourselves.

  120.  #120Simply Shannon on November 23, 2009 at 8:50 am

    AG: I would love to know what Mr. Yum-O-Rama said after your last email about being a goddess. 🙂 I feel complete agreement about the vacuum statement. Next time I run into a man like this, I’m going to rent a billboard that says “I like you. I want to go out with you. I feel happy when we’re together. OK???” It would need big red flashing lights. And maybe an alarm so that whenever he “fishes” for a compliment or an indication of my feelings, I can press a button and refer him to the billboard. 🙂 Saves a lot of time, don’t ya think? Hehe! I feel malicious this morning!

    Aldonza: I feel the same and have done the same in the past. It’s been quite the eye opener really. I understand now how the men in my past must have felt. The thing it really taught me is that I really didn’t feel strongly for mr. manly man. He may have been great on paper but at the end of the day, when he’s saying “date me or I walk”, I didn’t feel compelled to say yes. If anything, I felt scared to date just him BECAUSE he was giving me an ultimatum. BIG eye opener and lesson learned! I feel compassion for him because he did like me and I understand how much it can hurt when I like someone and they don’t like me back that much. But it doesn’t change anything for me. I can’t live my life trying to make someone else feel good. I’ve tried that before and it just doesn’t work.

  121.  #121tinque on November 23, 2009 at 10:11 am

    SS – Your strength blows me away. Brava…
    Linda – I love your story…just being SO in the moment with Leaf Man…
    There’s more I want to say to all but haven’t the time.
    I was away this weekend and have much to catch up on.
    xxoo to above and below…
    Alias Girl
    Nikita Daria
    Laughing Goddess
    in no particular order, and if I’ve left someone out, I apologize….

  122.  #122alias girl on November 23, 2009 at 11:39 am

    simply shannon , mr yum-o-rama is downgraded to “who?”

    after i wrote that: ” i am a goddess. i feel good to be with men who treat me as such.”

    he wrote;

    “how would you treat me?”


    i wrote:
    “i feel turned off. i don’t want to date men who don’t want to please me.”

    anyhoo i feel good. i feel like he brought me a really good message.

    in the beginning i was doing rori’s suggestions by rote but now a sense of true value has clicked in. i am not perfect. i am not the best woman in the world. but for one man i am the best thing that ever happened to him. that’s the guy i will end up with.

  123.  #123tinque on November 23, 2009 at 11:55 am

    “I am not the best woman in the world”
    Oh yes you are. We all are…
    And the best man in the world for YOU will meet up with the best woman in the world for HIM, and she is YOU.

  124.  #124alias girl on November 23, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    tinque. xoxo.

  125.  #125Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 4:44 pm

    Janice, Welcome – and you’re not going to like this. (And know – it’s entirely possible that something came up for him and all is well…) – but men just don’t work like we do. We think “an amazing connection” means a serious relationship possibility, based on OUR feelings – and what he SAYS. And that pretty much gets you nowhere. It means nothing. The only thing that means anything is a man consistently wanting to see you, consistently forwarding the relationship – asking you to MARRY him – and following through on all his suggestions and promises. Even a “good” man is no good to YOU if he’s not giving you what you want and need. Circular Date – PLEASE. Love, Rori

  126.  #126Rori Raye on November 23, 2009 at 5:12 pm

    Wow, Im – Welcome and thank you for this. Love, Rori (Please keep in touch here and let me know how this goes…)

  127.  #127Dorothea on November 24, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    alias girl, mr. who makes me feel PISSED OFF. seems totally full of himself. i get the feeling that we have a broad generation of men who have been conditioned to be male princesses because of the blurring of gender roles and the new standard of women chasing men.

    i guess i am just feeling angry at society.

  128.  #128Loys bat Shobai on December 15, 2009 at 12:34 am

    In regard to Dorothea’s comment – I just can’t relate to a man who is not deeply masculine – it just seems totally unnatural to me, to try to relate to a man who is queenie, to use the British phrase. Call me gynoid but I just can’t – possibly because android (masculine) female behaviour is so discouraged in Jewish culture. I’m getting to the age where I feel its ok for me to be like this, even if its not politically correct in countries like the States….

  129.  #129Rori Raye on December 15, 2009 at 2:34 am

    Welcome, Loys, and thank you for your wonderful perspective…and it’s so okay for you to be however you are and however you feel…Love, Rori

  130.  #130Jane on February 12, 2010 at 7:45 pm


    I just watched your Targeting Mr. Right program. Powerful stuff!

    I have a very important question to ask you for me. See I have been told that I came to this earth with a highly evolved feminine energy. And your program was so helpful in helping me to understand that it is my boy energy that can help protect that feminine. The examples of boy energy I had in my life- father, stepdad- didnt protect that feminine energy and I have had loosey examples of boy energy. So you are saying to develop your own.

    The most important part of my question is that from your knowledge of the feminine energy..what careers really are more in the feminine energy realm? If you have any concrete examples it would be so helpful!! I need help bad!

    I have felt so uncomfortable in the workplace and it is essential for my wellbeing to feel in that feminine energy. Its where I feel natural. (FYI many of the women in my family are in their masculine- “fix it, effort it” and very out of touch with their feelings)

    SO I’m asking you for a bit of career counseling really. I’m real creative but cant seem to “organize” a plan. Also I love the kind of stuff you do and some people think i should be a counselor of some sort. my brother says that I always get stuck in the therapist role when I start dating a guy….Then I’m more in the giving role right. Not good. I’m burned out on giving and being the supportive one in my relationships. I think your work is brilliant and so honest. Thank you!


  131.  #131Jane on February 12, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    Me again… i thought being a matchmaker might be fun as I am highly intuitive and able to read peoples energy. But maybe you have some ideas of jobs that use intutitiveness and that feminine “being” i havent thought of?

  132.  #132Rori Raye on February 13, 2010 at 1:39 am

    Jane, Welcome – and ALL work and career requires boy energy. You have to be in your masculine energy to do business – and anything entrepreneurial – where you have to create a “practice” involves masculine energy – and as you mentioned – counseling is masculine. So – Modeling and acting and dancing and art could be considered more ‘feminine” in the doing – but in the actual creating of a career and handling the business side – it’s all sales and marketing. So – what you want to do is find out what you LIKE to do. What your skills and personality work for…there are tests you can take online for those – enneagram and myers-briggs, and lots of books around career (good aisle to be in in the bookstore…). The feminine part is where you get to listen and use your intuition – and you can do that in almost ALL work. If you want to give – then find someplace to give – teaching, social work, therapist, body therapy….do some research and experiment…(This is actually one of my husband’s specialties, finding your career path and experimenting while you’re finding it…and I’ve done so many different things over my life – from bookkeeper to garden designer to music teacher to actress to director to writer…to this wonderful work now…think of it as more a flow…good luck, Love, Rori

  133.  #133Jane on February 14, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    thank you for your insight. Could you elaborate on the part where you you say “think of it more as a flow”? And would being a pyschic or energy worker be a more in the feminine energy?

    I really appreciate your advice. Thank you,


  134.  #134Rori Raye on February 15, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Jane – Being any kind of “worker” still requires boy energy. The experience of working with someone, and tapping into your intuitional self can make good use of your feminine energy and feel really good for you…you’ll have to experiment around all of this…Love, Rori

  135.  #135Ingrid on April 6, 2010 at 8:58 am

    Hi Rori:

    I love your site just sooooo much. I am learning so much. It is like a God-send to me, in moving forward with the rest of my life and re-learning new patterns. This boy/girl energy thing really is intriguing to me. I naturally have more “boy energy” than girl energy, but I wish it wasn’t so. I can change this. I was/am always the one to organize everything, make the plans, take charge, be efficient. I have felt if I am not, nothing would ever get done. I realize now this is not true. I would love nothing more than to just “be”. I am learning how to slowly but surely. For example, this past Easter weekend, family was visiting. What did I do? I planned the whole weekend, where we would eat, what we would do, etc. Everything was wonderful and went just according to plan. However, how did I feel? I felt anxious, nervous and strung out the whole weekend. Voila. The result. I look forward to learning more about this boy/girl energy thing. I love to watch French and Italian films as the women in them are so feminine yet strong. They don’t seem to “take charge” half as much as American women, for some reason. Maybe this is cultural, maybe not. I think it is.
    Look forward to any more comments/insights, etc.

  136.  #136shiirreey on December 21, 2010 at 11:40 am

    hi Rori,

    i have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 years.

    is it okay to give him a Christmas gift and Birthday gift while still being in my feminine energy? if not, when is it appropriate for a woman to give a man a gift?


  137.  #137GlowStix on January 19, 2013 at 5:46 am

    I feel…Exasperated. Exhausted. It feels like big sighs, tight jay, shoulder tension. hollow belly and frowny face. Silent and calm style tears. I feel confusion. It feels like swirling brain. Stuck stuck stuck. Shoulder to the brick wall. I don’t want to hear one thing, and then the opposite. I don’t want to be told it’s one way, and experience the opposite. I hear we live together. Woah woah woah. Hold up. Hands up. Back up. Wait just a minute. No we don’t. “close enough.” No. There is, and there isn’t. There is no inbetween here. I feel pushed and pulled. I feel chaotic. I feel all composed of tiny particles. I feel in a vacuum. Explosion into mist. Reassembled to be torn apart again. I feel resentment. It feels like building pressure in my chest and shoulders and the back of my head. Focused beam of black in one direction. 2 magnets deflecting. A sphere of soft pressure around me.