Dark Nights Of The Soul Are Sometimes Required

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intimacyI know it feels awful, but an emotional meltdown every once in a while is kind of essential to the process of moving toward feeling more alive.

If you can write it all out, journal it, speak it out loud to yourself – that says you have resources, skills, and that this part of the process is something you’re willing to move through.

You can’t go deep without encountering the “dark night of the soul.” It’s what makes us feel connected to the profound.

You can’t dance around what you need to say to a man. You can’t pretend you don’t want what you want.

Speaking the truth of what you feel and what you want is a totally different thing from “neediness” and “desperation.”

In fact, the sheer bravery of speaking out loud what’s already in your thoughts and heart is testament to your courage and confidence and comfort within yourself.

If you’re feeling horribly frustrated with a man you’ve been with for a very long time – instead of telling him what you want him to do, you might really go full bore with the truth by saying:

“I mean I seriously almost just want to blurt out horrible things to you, I feel like slapping you, shaking you, yelling at you…”

The point of going for broke here and being totally truthful with him is to learn this valuable skill.

It’s about bringing things to “a head” (yes..like a pimple). It’s about saying the “elephant in the room.”

And it’s about making the decision that what you want is for either the relationship to move forward, or for you move on – with new skills and strengths.

Some might call it an “ultimatum.”

Some might call it a “declaration of intent.”

I think it’s easier just to call it “moving to getting clearer about what I want and don’t want…”

Sometimes you have to feel around for it. It doesn’t just show up with a bang, fireworks, written across the sky….

The goal here is for you to learn to WANT a man who WANTS you! And, along the way, you’ll simply need to find out what’s what…..

Love, Rori

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826 Comments

  1.  #1Emerson on February 22, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    Wow great article Rori! I feel renewed courage to speak from the heart about what I want…perfect timing since I have some new CDs and I want to be authentic from the start…



  2.  #2Sirenity on February 23, 2013 at 12:19 am

    Love the pimple analogy!

    I just think a lot of men are terrified of pus!!
    ( strong emotions let out by a woman in their presence)

    The skill is to find a man who doesnt run from a bit of pimple sqeezing and understands a descriptive emotional display is NOT evidence of being “psycho” or “dramatic” , does NOT require him to fix it, and is wholesome and healthy for the relationship ..SOMEtimes.



  3.  #3Emerson on February 23, 2013 at 12:23 am

    Hi sirenity!
    Yes great analogy and agin a reminder from Rori to be honest and brave….. Feels so freeing!

    I will be honest and brave when it comes to talking to my CDs about what I want ….

    I am attracting higher quality of men…



  4.  #4Sirenity on February 23, 2013 at 12:24 am

    In my marriage my ex labelled any discussion of my wants or hopes or desires as “nagging” . And believe me this was not nagging, just an attempt to open discussion. He would physically leave . I now realise that emotions and wants were taboo in his family and that he was TERRIFIED that any attempt to discuss what I wanted was in fact reflecting on him not making me happy and if emotion was attached , eg my anger , he would disappear from the situation. He was totally unskilled in handling any sort of pimple at all. I was only a little better myself.



  5.  #5Emerson on February 23, 2013 at 12:36 am

    Wow sirenity that sounds like it would be very hard to live with…



  6.  #6Emerson on February 23, 2013 at 12:43 am

    ExoticCD has got me so turned on and excited to see him again!
    JayzCD is so patient and kind and not pushy even tho I keep putting him off…only cuz I’ve been so busy but he wants to see me too 🙂

    I feel a change I the air…
    With men, job, etcetera



  7.  #7Daria on February 23, 2013 at 12:45 am

    Yay I’m diggin it !

    My mom cut my hair and it’s feeling so good !

    I’m goin skiing w her n fam friends tomorrow

    I feel happy 🙂

    I feel anxious

    I feel god about myself

    My spirit feels so strong

    It’s like I’m reading a book of mysteries

    My wings are healing

    I got invited to join a record label



  8.  #8Sirenity on February 23, 2013 at 12:58 am

    Emerson I love all your CD names..you sound energised.



  9.  #9Sirenity on February 23, 2013 at 1:04 am

    Daria Hi!

    Sounds like you get to travel some more. Have fun and love to your family .
    Sounds like you are getting on well with your Mum just now.

    I just had the most amazing holiday with my sons . I decided to challenge myself and just do scary wild stuff.

    We kayaked and sailed and took a helicopter up and hiked a glacier, we rode quad bikes down a river bed , and white water rafted down grade 3-4 rapids (they only go to 5!)

    So at 53years young I had the most amazing , challenging , exhilerating and fun time!! We did a real old fashioned 12 day family road trip..something for us all to remember now they go down their own paths in life.

    I feel so good !
    I feel totally recovered at last!
    I say YES to life..and BRING IT ON!!!



  10.  #10Smile on February 23, 2013 at 1:44 am

    Hi sirens, I feel a little weird posting because I’ve not been on the blog for a while and a little nervous too, my nvs are telling me no one on the blog will respond to me 🙁

    Well things are moving forward with amb cd, I feel so alive. It’s full of fun and affection and really feels amazing. I’ve been feeling so proud of myself ‘using the tools’ so to speak.
    I feel inspired when I have more time (I’m trying to buy a house) to tell you all about many magical moments.

    Any way my question is that he said he was going to sell the house in April. He texed to ask his ex what she thought they should do as they own it together. She hasn’t replied so he said I guess we just keep renting it out.

    I trust that he knows what to do around this and when he needs to sell he will. A lot of reasons for not selling are financial. He has told me when he does sell he would want to buy a family home withsome else and get a dog. He then said jokingly “you do like dogs don’t you” so I saw that as letting me know he’s thinking of a future with me. Plus he’s said lots of other future thinking talk and asked me on holiday with him.

    I’m choosing trust. But part of me thinks is this going to get me hurt in the long run? Dominique, maybe you could help me with this one please? I would feel more relaxed if he didn’t still have a house with his ex and they were divorced. He knows this and his moving it forward at his own speed so I just need to relax and go with the flow yeh? I just feel a little disappointed because maybe I had expectations around him selling it because he said he wanted to and now he’s not because his ex is avoiding it. All his money is locked into the house and he is suffering financially because of it which is affecting our day to day stuff around him having money.



  11.  #11LoveAlways on February 23, 2013 at 3:42 am

    I so feel this post! Rori is so on point about getting those feelings inside of you OUT. And when you speak your feelings to the person in your life/heart/desire you are allowing your “being” to determine your own path. So yes call it ultimatum . . . Whatever, its about you and your beautiful life continuing. Speaking the feelings you are experiencing is controlling your own living. I love this! Thank you Rori!



  12.  #12LoveAlways on February 23, 2013 at 3:54 am

    Smile, I feel so happy for your joy with your cd!! I understand that feeling that he is tied down to this house and can’t move on into the future with you until it is done. But what about now? I feel its okay to be happy with him now. You already have that joy each day receiving his emotions from him. Trust the now and the urgency of any expectations won’t matter as much. Enjoy the baby steps of your present! Focus on the good feelings he is giving now and you will find you have created a safe space for you and him! Let him deal with the future of the house while growing emotionally more and more now. He will make a way for you two to continue together 🙂 it sounds so beautiful between you now. Embrace that and enjoy



  13.  #13Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 4:05 am

    Hi ladies,

    So the latest is, he is NOT going to the barbecue that that female friend invited him to. He is going to watch the rugby with some guy friends at the pub. I can’t tell you how relieved I feel.

    I didn’t say anything about any of it, which I feel good about. I think it’s the POTENTIAL for this kind of situation to occur which had me upset.



  14.  #14Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 4:12 am

    Elsie (from previous thread)

    No, we are not in an exclusive relationship in the strict sense. We *were*, and then we broke up.

    We spend a lot of time together. Yet no, I have no standing to tell him who he can and cannot see, or to ask him not to go. He’s been pretty upfront with me that it is his prerogative to go where he wishes when he wishes, yet his sweetness and his attention to me is unfailing. And he has not been with anyone else, and I have total security that he would not be, pigs would fly sooner, as long as I am around.

    But saying the words? Forget it. He’s not that kind of man.



  15.  #15Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 4:17 am

    Tam,

    Yeah, I am Circular Dating in the sense that I am very independent and I do my own thing a lot. If I met men whilst doing this I would certainly flirt with them, and accept dates if they asked.

    But falling in love with any of them? I don’t see it happening. I am not opposed to the idea in theory, but D is such a good fit for me and our relationship, though “uncommitted” traditionally, satisfies so many of my needs, that whatever came along would have to be pretty exceptional.



  16.  #16Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 4:25 am

    I really battle to explain D to people because he confounds so many of people’s traditionally held ideas about guys, and yet confirms so many others.

    He even said to me, during one of our “casual” or shall I say “uncommitted” periods in our relationship last year, when I pushed him for some kind of reassurance, he said “I am more committed to you than most married couples”. And it wasn’t long after that that we were exclusive and committed.

    And yet, here we are, not “exclusive”, yet we are. He would not so much as make a play for a girl now, which he has told me, and I know he has had opportunity and he is good looking and rich. So really I don’t know what to say. I’m as secure as I can be. And yet I’m “not”.



  17.  #17Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 4:32 am

    Sirenity 2

    I really had to smile at your description of men who call a woman “psycho” for speaking of strong emotions.

    I know numerous guys like that.

    However I think it perhaps reflects a lack of confidence on the part of the woman speaking her feelings. A woman who owns her feelings, and is not ashamed of them, yet is able to speak them with power and strength and calmness, is awe-inspiring. And I think there is a part of a man which is truly awed by, and respects, a woman who can handle her emotions in a strong and masterful way.



  18.  #18Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 4:35 am

    Oh and meanwhile, I have the most amazing day planned for myself! Not even thinking about D at all!

    Went for a gorgeous ride on my horse this morning and have a wonderful Saturday ahead of me. Yay 🙂



  19.  #19Smile on February 23, 2013 at 5:42 am

    Lovealways 12, oh this is so lovely to read, thank you so much. It’s just what I needed, a reminder of the ‘now’ and to stay present, which mostly I am. Everynow and then little insecurities wash over me and im learning to just acknowledge them and see them on their way. I love that I’m creating an emotionally wonderful space with him. The connection truly feels amazing. Thank you again 🙂



  20.  #20BeLoved on February 23, 2013 at 5:53 am

    I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of my loooong dark night of the soul.
    This morning I sat in front of a full-length mirror, looked myself in the eyes, and told me that I love me, that I know every single thought I’ve ever thought, deed I’ve ever done, every mistake I’ve ever made, every triumph, I know me, I get me and I love me.
    I was bawling as I called out all of those things I’ve done that I thought were so horrible.
    I felt a sweet release to see my own pain in my own eyes and love it.
    It felt so good to be seen by ME, and to hold my own gaze and the beauty in my own eyes looking back at me, loving me for loving C the way I do, loving me for loving him when it makes no sense!

    I remember sitting across from C and feeling horrible and telling him,
    “I feel like I want to f*ck you and beat the hell out of you at the same time!”

    I love him for wanting to be there for me, even when it was painful for him. I love him for wanting to be as much as I needed as he could for me.
    I love myself for having the courage to acknowledge my impolite and Not Nice feelings and thoughts.

    I don’t know how, I only know there is nothing I cannot or will not love or forgive about myself.

    I don’t know how, I only know I am ready for real love.

    I love and accept the feelings of revulsion and fear and offer up gentle baby kisses all up and down the bright lines of energy that come up when I make these declarations.
    I bless and bless these thoughts and feelings and judge them no more.

    And so it is.



  21.  #21CurvySiren10 on February 23, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Indigo, I really admire the confidence and lack of insecurity you feel in your “situation” with D. You are a unique woman. Not too many would feel the same security with a man who refuses to say the words. I get the feeling it’s a combination of intuition and confidence in your case. I can’t say I could have that same level of confidence in the same situation. In fact, I know I didn’t when I was in a similar boat… you are way ahead of the curve.

    My curiosity lies in two places. 1- WHY is he so fearful to utter the words and give the (obvious) relationship the label and 2- why did you feel so panicked over him going to that barbeque with that woman if you truly had no fears around it? I am curious to hear more from you on this.



  22.  #22CurvySiren10 on February 23, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Indigo, I want to add that I have been there… in that spot where things weren’t really the way I wanted them to be, but I had the intuitive, gut instincts to stick with it, while everyone around me was set on “warning” me about the fact that I was “putting up” with things I shouldn’t have, taking crumbs etc. There was a little voice inside of me that just wouldn’t allow me to fully dismiss this man from my life and it turned out in my case, it was because he WAS “the one”. I knew it despite also having the intuitive knowledge that there was a lot going on under the surface that I didn’t understand. I was willing to wade through it and let it all play out. I had patience. I also forced myself to CD, which ultimately continued to reinforce my belief that I was correct in letting my other situation organically work itself out. In other words, the more I dated and met people, the more I knew I’d already found “the one” for me. So it served a dual purpose really. Looking back, it was an incredibly difficult and often painful period- but the reward was sweet.



  23.  #23Femininewoman on February 23, 2013 at 7:01 am

    Joanne – I don’t know how old you are – but if you’re “fighting” – then neither of you are mature enough for a relationship. You go first. Learn about my way of using words, learn non-violent communication and stop fighting and arguing. Love, Rori



  24.  #24Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Hey CurvySiren

    Thank you so much for your reply. And thank you for saying that I am way ahead of the curve. Actually I think my confidence and security comes from the fact that I value integrity and loyalty so much… when I can trust someone’s feelings for me in that deep down way, it’s something I intuitively know. And although I may get a bit shaky and wobbley on a more surface level, I have that solid foundation. Also D has had many, many opportunities to be with someone else, without doing anything “wrong” and he hasn’t. It’s got to the point where, if someone has been absolutely consistent for 2 and a half years, eventually your insecurity does go away or simmer down dramatically.

    As to your questions: 1- This is the part I struggle to explain to people. D is extremely strong-willed, it’s what gives him that fierce integrity and loyalty, but he won’t do something just because someone has asked him to. In fact, the more you push and prod and pressure, the less likely he is to do it, and I have pushed and prodded a whole hell of a lot (I’m not proud of that, but what can you do). And it’s also a case of, he’s not a verbal person. He doesn’t put much stock in words. He’s only said I love you to two girls ever (one of them being me) and he tends to work his feelings out internally. He hates people prying into his feelings. He’s a man of action. If we were together long enough he would say the words eventually, because he has before, but it would be maybe once, and in passing. He really just doesn’t like talking about these things. In this way he’s different from every other guy I’ve ever known, and maybe why I feel so safe with him.



  25.  #25Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 7:11 am

    2 – This is a by-product of, I love him so much. I know nothing would ever happen between him and this girl, or any other girl there, yet this woman is one of those women who makes my skin crawl a bit. She has no female friends, only a bevy of male friends, and likes to be the centre of attention. The idea of her simpering and flirting and batting her eyelids makes me feel sick to my stomach.

    It makes me want to growl my lioness growl…

    So yeah, he knows I don’t like that he’s friends with this woman, and although they rarely see each other I just can’t help that I don’t trust her and she makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s more also because he doesn’t even like to mention that she’s invited him to something because he knows I don’t like it.

    Bit of insecurity there, I admit. It is getting better. I hope 😉



  26.  #26Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Wow CurvySiren # 22, I want to reach through cyberspace and give you a huge high five or a hug, this is EXACTLY how I feel!!

    I’m so glad you put this into words. It is identical to how I feel.



  27.  #27Tam on February 23, 2013 at 8:00 am

    Indigo and Curvy Siren, wow, your posts really resonate with me and I so so understand your situations and can identify with them. yet I feel so sad that in my case with a very similar scenario things never worked out.
    I am happy that every story can have a different ending, alas mine kind of sucked. haha.

    I was also trumpeting how much Curly wants to be with me and how he would always take me along to any party and got my ‘reward’ today.
    We had planned to go into the city for an event. Suddenly he says ‘tomorrow will be better’…oh and a friend (bachelor) bought him a ticket for a party, and would I mind if he went…but he feels unsure since he doesn’t want to mes up things with us.
    Well, I was pissed because we had planned to spend the day together, but in the end that is his choice.
    The tickets are expensive and as much as I believe he ‘should’ have asked me if I wanted to join them, it is clear that for his friend it is a woman catcher exercise and I am not wanted. And I felt Curly would not want me there either. I didn’t like it at all.
    I am with this guy purely because he makes me feel good and wanted and if that gets undermind, he is flying out of my life quicker than he can say his own name.
    I think he knows that too.
    We shall see what he decides….ha!



  28.  #28Femininewoman on February 23, 2013 at 8:03 am

    RE 25 With all due respect Indigo I believe this is the type of woman we are all endeavouring to be. She sounds like a true siren. Maybe your skin feeling crawly is your body telling you that you don’t like that part of yourself. That you are judging and numbing down your siren skills. What I am reading you writing about this woman is that she is a man magnet. I would love to be around this woman. Seems I would learn a lot from her.



  29.  #29Femininewoman on February 23, 2013 at 8:06 am

    hhhmmm Tam – First comment that came to me “with all due respect you did indicate to him that you are not his girlfriend” and that you are only a friend. Right?



  30.  #30Heart on February 23, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Wow…I love this post.



  31.  #31Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Oh FeminineWoman 28, if only this were true.

    I agree the flirting and simpering and having men around you is something we all aspire to be like and do. This is something I like to do myself.

    There is something untrustworthy about this woman, though. She has steadily pushed away and lost every female friend she’s ever had because of underhanded and insecure behaviour. It’s *this* kind of attention-seeking that makes my skin crawl, not the healthy, siren-like, revelling in one’s own beauty kind. D indicated that the reason he would never be interested in her was because of extremely unhinged behaviour.

    I could well be being unfair to her, probably I am, but it is more that I find her untrustworthy than that I am jealous of her.



  32.  #32Tam on February 23, 2013 at 8:33 am

    29 yes FW, but he wants me to be….his girlfriend. And honestly speaking, if he did what he said he does, and could back up his words with actions (there is more going on behind the scenes then I like to share here), I wouldn’t be so resistant to the idea.
    As it happens, I am still and he knows that.
    So it’s all good really. But don’t pressure me to be your girlfriend and then leave me sitting home alone on a Sat evening because you want to catch women with your bachelor friends..kind of incongruent especially since we had made plans….

    I am not too bothered, I will just take myself out if he goes.



  33.  #33Heart on February 23, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I went out with friends …and had a good time.
    Btw…CudG wrote me…it was a couple of casual lines…about how I was doing…
    and he sent links to pictures of cute cats cuddling….awwr

    I was hurt though…because he didnt ask me out! It’s been 2 weeks since we saw each other….I kinda felt sad & disapointed ….
    but mostly I was confused….
    wouldn’t u be?



  34.  #34Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 8:38 am

    (((Tam))) 27

    I don’t think your story sucked. The fact that it didn’t turn out in the way you had in your mind of how you would have liked doesn’t cancel out the good.

    And your story is not over. *chin up* 🙂



  35.  #35Emerson on February 23, 2013 at 8:46 am

    I think I know what Rori means when she speaks of dark nights of the soul…. I’ve definitely been there…..
    And coming out the other side I felt a clarity, like I’m not dealing with anyone’s crap! I’m not letting it bother me. What really matters became more clear to me… And it helped me snap out of my codependency.



  36.  #36Tam on February 23, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Indigo, no it isn’t over in my heart, but in my head it very much is. I know it will never be, and that is ok.
    I actually dreamt that I was dragging the dead body of a man around with me everywhere I went, and whne I woke up realised that that was MrP. Dead but still dragging him around my life.
    I wished him a good trip, and thanked him for asking me to come along even though I was unable to. I told him I was swinging by his city this weekend.
    He replied nicely, saying that he would like me to stop by if I had wheels..but I am not going to, firstly they are not my wheels and secondly if he wants to see me it is up to him to make it happen, not me.
    I learnt that much.
    It was cute of him though.
    Like I said, dragging a dead body around my life 😉

    Off to do some stuff with the live body now 😉
    Sigh.



  37.  #37Femininewoman on February 23, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Confused? Heart, for me, no longer. It tells me that kind of behavior is coming from a man who wants a casual relationship with me. I am now kinda tossing up in myself how to respond. If I should try out a “I feel like slapping you, shaking you, yelling at you this is not what I want. I am no longer open to this now that I am loving and respecting myself more. I feel turned off by this”. Pe’s story about her friend on the other thread kind of shifted something further inside me. I read it last night but when I read it again this morning I felt different. I cried thinking about how I did not respect myself enough. How happy I am to accept crumbs because of my attraction to one man. How I block another man because he does not look the way I want and because love doesn’t appear the way I want it to. My mind is looking for ways to show up as more confident in myself and as more trusting in myself.



  38.  #38Tereana on February 23, 2013 at 9:20 am

    Wow! As usual (or at least often), Rori has hit the nail on the head – both in terms of spot-on analysis of relationship, and also speaking to what is going on with me right now!!

    This sooooo relates to EXACTLY what I’ve been thinking and feeling about (k) all week.

    After talking to him on Tuesday, and me walking away mid-conversation, because I wasn’t getting what I wanted, and felt suddenly like I was wasting my time – I spent the rest of the week coming up with something I could write to him. I didn’t want to “explain” or be all in my head. I wanted it to come from my heart, and have to do with what I really wanted. I wrote several long, drawn-out messages that went into detail about where I was coming from, but I just knew I couldn’t send any of them. However, it was good processing for me getting to really know what it was that I wanted. And part of me didn’t want to communicate with him at all. But then the other part of me knew that the process was just about this (Rori’s post) – it was about declaring and saying what I want, rather than “holding it in.” Going fro broke, as it were, whether or not he would ever reciprocate, or wether he would want what I want or not.

    So finally, last night, I was able to condense all the long paragraphs I’d written into a single text. I opened with a feeling message, and then stated simply what I wanted. And I said that we can’t be friends, because that’s not how it works for me.

    Well, I don’t even know if he’s responded yet. If he does, it’s probably a one-word answer. I’m not really expecting much.

    But this is exactly what Rori was talking about – I get to see, based on his response, what he really wants. And if he doesn’t want me, then I haven’t lost anything. I get to move on – without him – if he doesn’t want me. And that’s okay. And if he does, THEN we have a conversation that we can get into. But I’m not going to waste my time if all he wants to do is turn back the clock and be “friends.” It’s too late for that. We can’t go back and “un-ring” the bell. We’ve crossed into new territory now. Which is either new territory to explore. Or it’s the place at which we move apart and go in our different directions. Either way, I’m fine. Because I know that my interaction with him was meaningful for me and a big part of my healing process. and maybe I don’t really want him at all.

    In my mind/heart/feelings, I keep sliding back and forth between believing that he’s a really good guy, who didn’t want to hurt me, and could be a good partner in helping me heal myself; and between feeling disgusted and betrayed that someone I *thought* was a good guy could be so clueless and selfish. And sometimes I just feel angry that he didn’t understand what I was telling him until he pushed me to my limit, and now it’s too late. Because now my feelings for him have changed. I would need him to be really patient and attentive, and really pay attention to me and listen to me, if I were going to truly resurrect the good feelings I’d been having for him – up until the point where he came onto me and triggered me badly.

    Well, it’s up to him now. If he wants to “fix” anything, then he has to fix the thing that’s broken – and to me, that means the attraction that we had for each other, and the positive feelings that were there. But we can never “fix” the friendship, because that part is simply gone. It is nonexistent. So there’s really nothing to fix.

    I’m missing him tonight. I have a party to go to, and I want to go to the one where he is, and where my other friends are. But I’m planning not to, because I don’t want things to be “weird.” I could totally see him in public, and be polite to him. But if he doesn’t give me the kind of attention that I want, or if he touches me, I don’t know what I’ll do.

    And I’ll be honest here – I dont’ know if I’ve fully expressed what I really want and need. Only partially. He did ask me what I needed from him in order to “make it better.” And I was afraid to tell him. Because it was sexual. So first, I wanted to open the discussion, and then get really specific. But I don’t know…maybe I should get really specific anyway.

    Not today, though. Today, I am resting, and I’m letting the feelings flow through me as they come. I’ll get to the right place. The right things will happen, or nothing at all. I’m doing the best for me…

    xoxoMe<3!



  39.  #39Heart on February 23, 2013 at 9:32 am

    Thank you FW…
    I feel soothed by your words.



  40.  #40MovingMagic on February 23, 2013 at 9:51 am

    I’ve made friends with my dark nights. I know those nights help me go further in my understanding & healing. I now wrap my arms around myself, & let it roar or tumble out. I feel the rain, & know that the skies will clear only to reveal stars.



  41.  #41Femininewoman on February 23, 2013 at 9:55 am

    From Rori’s email:-

    Tapping Into Your Natural Feminine Softness

    So here’s the tip: When you’re feeling stressed, anxious, tense, do something that feels COUNTERINTUITIVE.

    Relax your lips, and part them slightly. You’ll notice an immediate simultaneous shift in your “energy” from tense to calm. But more importantly, this remarkable technique can also make you APPEAR more relaxed and self-confident, even when you’re in a very tense situation. Like on a date, or having an emotional conversation with your boyfriend.

    Looking more self-confident and relaxed opens you up and sends the signal that you’re OPEN and vulnerable – which is actually an irresistible visual “signal” to a man.

    Isn’t that something? Any woman can learn how to become more attractive and magnetic simply by tapping into her natural inner beauty and feminine energy. Men are DRAWN and MAGNETIZED to a woman when she’s relaxed, vulnerable, soft on the outside but STRONG on the inside.



  42.  #42Smile on February 23, 2013 at 10:05 am

    Everytime I come to do my work at home I feel stressed, anxious, and I will find any distraction possible! 🙁 I’ve been off work for a week and now reality is setting in that I need desperately to make a dint in my workload.



  43.  #43Smile on February 23, 2013 at 10:13 am

    My anxious knot in my tummy is to do with work stress and buying a house. I’m moving my anxiety on around amb cd, he is giving me no reason to be anxious and I must not relate the anxiety I’m feeling creep in to him.



  44.  #44GlowStix on February 23, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Mmm hmmm

    Diggin it yet again!



  45.  #45GlowStix on February 23, 2013 at 10:16 am

    Beloved….

    You are so powerful. Those moments are powerful…(((you)))



  46.  #46Smile on February 23, 2013 at 10:28 am

    I told my parents today I had started seeing someone, I needed to make this step as I’m living at my mums and he’s more in my life now, not just going out for meals etc.

    I’ve held back telling people about him. I have fear of getting too excited like people expect it to fail 🙁

    I’m meeting his friends on Sunday 🙂



  47.  #47Emoticon on February 23, 2013 at 10:34 am

    <3 Thank you Rori



  48.  #48sha-sha on February 23, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Love this article!! To learn to Want a Man that Wants You!



  49.  #49sha-sha on February 23, 2013 at 10:43 am

    I truely believe actions speak louder then words……… men are good at telling U wht u wanna hear……….



  50.  #50Smile on February 23, 2013 at 11:19 am

    I love my own company 🙂



  51.  #51LiliBee on February 23, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Holy moly! This article of Rori’s is exactly where I am.
    I’ve been going through this emotional meltdown for 2 weeks. I finally gave myself permission to step back, stop and really look at it.
    I came to the place where “I want what I want and will not back down to settle any longer.”
    What Rori describes: “The point of going for broke here and being totally truthful with him is to learn this valuable skill” is exactly where I am with my man right now.

    I am standing strong for what I want.



  52.  #52innana on February 23, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Hi Rori, I have a question for you. I have followed your articles and have purchased your Siren program before. While I found your advice makes absolute sense to “me”, it has generally failed in my dealings with an ex I have been on and off with for over 4 years.

    I used to be reactive to his insensitive remarks and attitudes towards me and my needs. I then learnt how to express them more constructively and gently using “feel” messages and pulling away when I wasn’t being heard or taken seriously.

    It seems while I gained a better sense of myself in using these communication skills, it did very little to help my relationship. In fact, one of the times when we were doing well until I made the remark that I was a bit sad that I hadn’t seen him in a few days. His first response was that he couldn’t handle my appeasing my ‘feelings’ anymore and that he was turned off by hearing about my feelings. I explained to him that the reason why I was using ‘feeling’ messages was instead of being blaming and telling him I was pissed and upset we hadn’t seen each other.
    He told me he preferred to have me be mad at him (which I used to do and he broke off with me because of that!!) than for me to telling him about my ‘feelings’!! I have since explained to him nothing will work between us when he has no regard for my feelings and emotions.

    As you can see, I’m confused over what approach I should have used to have a different and positive outcome as none seem to work with him.

    Although he tells me he loves me and that he has never loved anyone as he loves me, I am at a complete funk with what to do. I still remain to keep my distance from him.

    Rori, any advice from you would be really appreciated.

    Thanks



  53.  #53Dominique on February 23, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Smile – 10 – You really answered your own question, and you are right in working on allowing to let this flow as it will. This is HIS deal, his problem. When his financial suffering becomes great enough, he will do what it takes to get that house sold.

    And do our best to relax despite this. You have no control of being hurt or not in the long run anyway. Make friends with this discomfort, this not having things as you would prefer around this. Allow it, and give it a chance to move on through you.

    xxoo

    xxoo



  54.  #54MovingMagic on February 23, 2013 at 11:52 am

    I’m entering into a new phase in my life. I went to a grant writing workshop yesterday in order to start learning how to set up a not for profit. Sooo much detail. I initially felt resistance toward this step. I feel so delighted with myself for going! I’ve enrolled in more workshops like it. Haha. Change is good. 🙂



  55.  #55FlowerChild77 on February 23, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I really like the idea of “declaration of intent”—it really is different than an ultimatum and so much more about us (vs. about him and his behavior.)

    And yes, learning to WANT a man who WANTS me <3

    Having new, refreshing ways to think of these things that go round and round in our heads (and our lives) is inspiring and gives me hope =)

    I am so thankful to have found Rori and her work <3



  56.  #56ALA on February 23, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    The blog feels calming to me. I’m feeling a lot of anxiety in my situation. I want to be reassured by D that everything is fine. It feels like leaning forward if I ask him for that, because it is really something to do with other people and not anything coming from between us. I’m trusting that he is capable of knowing my heart. This feels good to know.

    I don’t always have time to post. Just want you to know that I’m often truly touched by each and every one of you. I get sooo much from being here!



  57.  #57Smile on February 23, 2013 at 1:09 pm

    Dominique, I love the idea of making friends with my discomfort 🙂 thank you! It never stays for long but it does creep in every now and then. I am thankful that I have this awareness so it never has chance to grown into fear anymore.

    I never managed to open your recording due to my own computer problems. I’m getting a new comp soon so hopefully I’ll be able to get access 🙂



  58.  #58Smile on February 23, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Our lives are starting to mingle and tangle together… This feels exciting 🙂



  59.  #59Tam on February 23, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Curly took me to a place where I used to go with MrP…I thought it would be a big trigger and when I was there, it was tough at first..and then it turned into a womderful afternoon and we had a lovely lunch and I made plenty of new memories in an old place. It felt like I was moving on.
    I have been writing emails with MrP a little today also, but just friendly. I realised how a lot of his conversation just revolves about what he does and what he would like, for example he requested a picture again.
    It kind of turned me off.
    Then I thought about Curly. He just cancelled the party with his friend because he wanted to spend the evening with me. I really appreciated that and decided to concentrate on enjoying the moments with someone who is clearly trying to make me feel
    good and mostly succeeding.
    It did stop me from pining and appreciating what I have right now.
    I am kind of a happy bunny, I guess.
    And I have taken MrP off the pedestal and claimed my space up there. 🙂



  60.  #60MovingMagic on February 23, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    Yay Tam!!



  61.  #61Sirenity on February 23, 2013 at 3:39 pm

    “And I have taken MrP off the pedestal and claimed my space up there.”

    Eureka..Tam that about says it all.

    Most of our distress comes from stepping OFF that pedestal voluntarily and putting some guy up there in our place. It means the guy has no one to look up to, admire and adore if we are prostrated with our foreheads in the dust at his feet!

    And many of us are taking a journey here back to honouring ourselves and finding the skills and strength to shove him off our pedestal and climb back up to our rightful place.



  62.  #62Tam on February 23, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Thank you Sirenity for your – as always – wise words, and also Moving Magic for the cheer.
    I feel pretty content right now, long may it last.
    I find it very interesting that the conversation with MrP today made me feel pretty ‘meh’ rather than like the puppy dog with tail wagging….I also found as I shared some excitement as to what I was doing etc, that if not a little sad that I am doing it with other people, he seemed at least a little subdued.
    Kind of funny.
    He was also praising himself saying he had undergone a little transformation working out and growing his hair..I was just thinking ‘whatever’…because he looks good anyway. It’s more his mental probs that need addressing, whatever…Struck me almost as a little feminine…ugh.
    I felt a bit turned off actually.
    Haha.



  63.  #63Mercedes on February 23, 2013 at 3:55 pm

    Beloved….wow…sooooo….beautiful…

    I love this line in Rori’s post:

    “The goal here is for you to learn to WANT a man who WANTS you! And, along the way, you’ll simply need to find out what’s what…..”

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  64.  #64Dominique on February 23, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Smile – 56 – I’ll keep it open for you until you’re ready. Let me know, for I will be soon editing all the recordings and packaging them as a small program.

    xxoo



  65.  #65Rori Raye on February 23, 2013 at 5:13 pm

    innana – Welcome, and thank you for your letter.In my world, if a man doesn’t step up when you really and truly talk the straight truth to him, and do it in a way that exposes your real self, and he doesn’t respond to that…then why would I want to be with him? The sense I get from your letter is that is simply NOT a good match…and yet, would you consider getting the ebook as well, and really learning the basic Tools from that – I wonder if you’re “using” Feeling Messages to “get what you want” – and that doesn’t work. It’s the opposite of the whole point. And –were you really “sad” that you hadn’t seen him (after 4 years, that clues me in that this isn’t working…) – or were you ANGRY? The trick here is NO trick – it’s about speaking what you really feel, and not what you “think” is going to get you what you want. Love, Rori



  66.  #66Miss Bells on February 23, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    This article is well-timed for me…

    Scenario One:
    He buys me a rose and a steak dinner for Valentine’s Day then we go up to Reno and spend two romantic days exploring the Sierras.

    Scenario Two (One week later)
    He wants me to fix his computer glitch for free. Then we go to a very big deal fancy party. We both look great, and the party is a good one, but he is hitting the Martinis hard. Just before we leave, a woman I know and like sits down with me and tells me I look absolutely fantastic. She asks about HS and when I tell her I am with him she says–OH–you can do SO much better than him–he is the lowest of the low–you are a fantastic woman and deserve better…
    In the car I mention this woman and he has a violent negative reaction. I ask him what gives–why the hostility on both sides? I know that he emailed her about a year and a half ago about doing band photos, but that never happened.
    Upon probing further, he admits that he came on to her–while WE were living together, and that she rejected him. I still feel I don’t have the full story, but that was enough for me.
    I end up driving us home–with him bitching all the way about my driving. Then we sat up and listened to Funk and R&B till midnight.
    When he came to bed he was VERY amorous, but still drunk…
    In the morning I left because I had coffee with a CD. I have not discussed my CD-ing with HS. I said I had a coffee date, I just didn’t tell him it was with a man.
    I am thinking of saying to him that “after our trip I was very disappointed to see he was back on Match. And–the conversation with and about my female friend from the party disturbed me. But–I am now feeling more clear. If you want me to be your wife and reap those benefits–I want you to marry me. Otherwise, we are just dating, and the boundaries are very different. You have every right to choose any course of action you want. I love you very much–you are my best friend and my lover, but I don’t want to be the ‘oh well, at least she doesn’t reject me’ girl. I want to be the ‘I can’t live without her and she is my one and only’…”
    I will say that to him at the right time.
    I feel bad about hearing weird hit about him from women at parties…



  67.  #67Tereana on February 23, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Yay! I’ve never been so happy not to have slept with anyone.

    Today I went to hang out with an old CD whom I’ve always known is not the type to “settle down” with one woman. That’s just not who he is. And he’s totally open about it. But he also is very sexy, and in the past, I’ve usually ended up hooking up with him, just because he is so fun to talk to, and makes me feel comfortable with my sexuality, so that I don’t feel bad about relaxing and letting things happen. But today, he wasn’t pushing me at all. He was touching me, but I wasn’t going with it. I was actually in his house, and he was barely wearing anything – he answered the door wearing a set of glittery shorts (I kid you not). And of course I found him attractive. But I had gone there with the thought in my mind that I really didn’t want to be seduced by him (and/or seduce myself into thinking that I should do something with him). One thing that helped was that I asked him about all the other women he was dating. And he told me. And at that point, I had NO desire to sleep with him. Lol. Not that I felt judgmental all. Just like – Okay, that’s not something I want to be a part of. Besides. I’ve slept with him already. He’s good, but he’s not *that* good. Maybe he needs to have multiple women in order to make him feel more like a man ; ) And the strange thing is – he’s such an open, honest guy that he’d probably agree with me on that! He’s definitely full of himself, but he’s also self-deprecating. I guess that’s one of the things that makes him so accessible. *sigh* But I’m still proud of myself. I am proud of sticking to my guns, and not changing my mind about anything, just because I was there with him. And besides, I had a cold. It was all not going to happen anyway, and I didn’t feel I had to apologize or explain, or that anyone was disappointed. Yay! Least of all me. I went in there not wanting sex. So I am really, really happy that it didn’t happen! Hooray me : )

    *pats self on back*

    And we still had a good time hanging out. I win!



  68.  #68Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    Yay Tam! 🙂

    What a blessing that dream was about MrP, I think perhaps it gave you that extra push to let go.



  69.  #69Indigo on February 23, 2013 at 9:29 pm

    innana,

    I have to ask, are you really clear about why you are staying with him?

    We won’t judge you either way, but have you really thought about what you want, and what is holding you to him?



  70.  #70Memulo on February 23, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    I didn’t run into dumbcd today. In the meantime I think about calling and feel terribly embarrassed. What am I looking for? To get beaten up after 5 months?? It’s not even funny.
    My cd is treating me really well.. I dOnt know why but he wants me. Even when I am not so nice to him he acts with devotion. When I think about dumbcd I feel so much longing and anger that I was do dumb with him. Any woman would be smarter. I just always thought that the ‘being smarter’ part in terms if asking what he was doing, where he went etc. is beneath me.



  71.  #71MovingMagic on February 23, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Memulo, he wants you because you’re you! Why shouldn’t he want you?



  72.  #72Emerson on February 23, 2013 at 10:28 pm

    66 yay tereana!



  73.  #73Emerson on February 23, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    Tomorrow I’m seeing exoticCD and I’m really excited!
    I do have some things I want to learn about him….
    I dunno I need to make a list but not gonna interrogate the guy lol…
    He is very flirty and charming and saying and doing all the right things but I’m not sure if he’s just a player or if he really is this amazing and is just a great guy that really likes me so far lol …
    I am nervous because I am feeling the sexual energy and I know I’m not going to sleep with him but omg I want to already lolll



  74.  #74Heart on February 23, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    I feel different today…
    Had some really strange dreams…
    Looking forward to making travel plans & moving on…



  75.  #75Heart on February 23, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    i feel well-rested…
    my body feels relaxed
    my mind feels calmer…less active…peaceful..
    I feel centered.



  76.  #76Emoticon on February 23, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    I want to be at total peace with my current situation.

    I’m not unemployed I’m SELF employed.
    I’m not a college drop-out, I’m a young woman, deciding to change the course of her life.

    I have thought about this in one way and cried about it, and now Im choosing to see it in THIS way…. I changed the course of my life and became self employed. I am part owner of a small hairdressing business. I am also in the preparation stages of launching my small cake biz (so excited to take this cake decorating class)

    I also have another plan (THAT I SOOOOO LOVE) ….



  77.  #77Emoticon on February 23, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    WHOOPS (continued)

    The plan is to volunteer at the Alliance Francaise, enough so that I can take classes for free this summer in DC and to then take the exam that will certify me to teach french to young kids…. I can even take the others until I can pretty much help anyone with French…. starting with ME.

    Interestingly enough, after leaving the strip club with friends last night, we went into subway talking to some guys and I help a very long conversation with this man from Cameroon IN FRENCH. I thought my French needed a lot more brushing up than it actually does. I guess a language doesnt just die inside of me after not speaking it for a few years. WE EXCHANGED NUMBERS 🙂



  78.  #78Emoticon on February 23, 2013 at 11:44 pm

    Je suis spamming le blog lol 🙂 hahaha

    I am about to take a nice rest and count my blessings before i sleep instead of sheep!!

    In the morning I will clean up from my little party i had tonight and then arrange somehow for my friend to get home, then do a bit of research on my goals.

    In a week I start my cake decorating course and my volunteer orientation at Alliance Francaise DC 🙂



  79.  #79Heart on February 24, 2013 at 12:48 am

    Innana – I would encourage u to get the HTRYW ebook. It will answer all your questions in a sense. Using Fms to get something Does Not Work …and tends to push men away.
    Authentic FMs can create such a deep feeling of connection…In my experience…
    The most important thing is actually being able to find what u are feeling in the moment…
    And it comes with practice.
    (((hugs)))

    I disagree with the others on the blog though…
    I kind of agree with you boyfriend…
    I got an icky, turned off, angry feeling when I read what you wrote to him.
    There was such blame in your statement…You make me feel sad…seems to be the overall message..

    Also I don’t believe you were feeling sad…
    If I was in your situation I would bring the focus back to me.
    Find a hobby…make new friends….forget about trying to “fix” things for now…I would also practice finding my feelings many times day…
    It feels really exciting you know?
    Like a Brave New World.



  80.  #80Heart on February 24, 2013 at 1:35 am

    I really like this – Pe siren.



  81.  #81Sharon on February 24, 2013 at 1:51 am

    great blog and comments, all so helpful thank you Rori and sirens! xxx



  82.  #82Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 3:16 am

    I am thinking – if we talk – what will I say?? What happened half a year ago? Oh I felt bad you ignored me? I mean – what’s the point? And I hear – hmm I have a gfriend for the past 6 months. Im sorry. What do I say – cool, I have someone too? Ok, I have to go?



  83.  #83Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 3:22 am

    Any ideas will be highly appreciated;)



  84.  #84Smile on February 24, 2013 at 3:42 am

    Memulo, do you need to bring anything up? Can you just show him your fun side? I’m sorry I don’t know the full story around the situation.



  85.  #85Indigo on February 24, 2013 at 3:42 am

    Memulo,

    What are you hoping to get out of this conversation?

    What is your goal? Or is it just to say hi?

    Knowing that will much make it much easier for us to help you with what to say.



  86.  #86Heart on February 24, 2013 at 3:46 am

    Memulo – I feel curious….why do you think he disappeared?
    What’s the story you’ve been telling yourself?



  87.  #87Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 3:48 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I have missed you all and the blog, so much!

    I have been feeling out of sorts lately, and my confidence has taken so much of a knocking that I feel completely immobilised and unable to “do” anything.

    In my work life I have felt incredibly “attacked” and don’t know what to do about it. It’s now resulted in me feeling fearful and nervous that everything I do and say is misunderstood – and I feel so frustrated. I also feel angry and I have the feeling of “oh, no, here we go again”. For some reason people don’t respect me, people don’t trust me. I feel paranoid and I feel I am treading on egg shells. But worse of all I feel immobilsed… And ahhhh I feel angry at myself….



  88.  #88Femininewoman on February 24, 2013 at 4:07 am

    “‘being smarter’ part in terms if asking what he was doing, where he went etc. is beneath me”.
    .
    Memulo this would not have been smart. He would have experienced this as needy and pushy. He might even have disappeared earlier than he did.



  89.  #89Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 4:22 am

    You know what sirens. I realise I am accepting “crumbs” in my job. I feel so “grateful” all the time no matter how they treat me.

    I have been in this new job 3 months now and I have only spoken to my line manager a couple of days ago. She has never come to see me, check I know what I’m supposed to be doing – who I report to, how things work that kind of thing. I have had no induction – nothing – I’ve just been expected to know. And people have been yelling at me.

    She has never even said hello to me, let alone come to see me – I’ve felt completely isolated and on my own.

    I’ve literally sat at my desk with no work to do, no one i speak to seems to know where I fit in. I feel like I am being treated like a work experience person and told to go and sit in the corner.

    Anyway – it has all blown up in the office now but no-one is supporting me. And yet I feel like I have to “cling” to this job. What does this say about me???

    I certainly don’t feel wanted there – or understood – or supported…

    Also if I make a small observation – it gets turned into a mountain rather than a molehill.

    On the last project that I worked on I mentioned that some issue had occured – it had been sorted by me – but my boss didn’t stop to hear that bit and all ge heard was that there was an issue and went running to all the line managers etc… And it was like Chinese whispers. Leaving me confused and paranoid – and HUGELY misunderstood….

    I don’t know what to do???

    I’m not sure if this is making sense..



  90.  #90Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 4:26 am

    Also, I have asked to meet with my line manager quite a few times – she says yes – but then nothing ever happens.

    But I know it will be my word against hers and everyone in the company seems to love her. Either that or they are scared of her.

    Fine if they want to get rid of me – but they don’t have to be horrible to me…



  91.  #91Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 4:33 am

    And I am just sitting here worrying about it, and thinking about it, and thinking about it, and worrying about it… And I just feel numb and worried and confused…. And I don’t know what to do -which way to turn and what to do first. I feel tangled up with emotion. I feel like I am always being told I am wrong – i can’t handle it..



  92.  #92Indigo on February 24, 2013 at 4:36 am

    D messaged me last night that he came back early from the pub. So much for all my fretting. *Sigh*

    We are going to grab a bite to eat tonight and then back to his place to unwind.

    I feel like I am spamming the blog today 🙂



  93.  #93Indigo on February 24, 2013 at 4:45 am

    ((((Rebecca))))

    I hear a lot of negative self-talk going on here. Please be really kind and gentle with yourself.

    Is it other people at work being horrible to you, or are you being horrible to yourself? You may have landed yourself with a particularly callous manager or work colleagues, but please don’t make it worse by believing what you *think* they are saying about you.

    You are the prize, no need for self-doubt.



  94.  #94Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 4:59 am

    Indigo – 92- thank you.

    I just feel so low. I feel like I am being watched by hawks and cannot breathe and am just feeling so trapped and suffocated.

    And it’s bringing out all of my insecurities like – this always happens to me, I always misread things, I always get things wrong…. Ahh, yes, I’m feeling it’s me, me, me, me, me…

    I feel like they are looking for 2 million excuses to get rid of me and I can’t win. I feel like Anthony Perkins in The Trial.

    I feel like there are darker forces at work here than I can take on. It’s like they’ve hired me to work with someone who actually thinks he can do the job by himself and doesn’t need me and is just totally shutting me out of the equation. When I mention it to my line manager she seems to shrug her shoulders and say “Oh well, you just need to keep trying, that is your job”.

    She says she is trying to support me but I feel it’s too little too late – and she sees the support she needs to give me as “telling” me what to do, as opposed to helping me in a more mentor like fashion.

    I just feel barked at basically – and that I am being spoken to like it’s presumed I know what they are talking about. They say to ask questions but when I do they role their eyes and say – well I thought that was explained to you – and I thinking “no, it actually wasn’t” And even if it was the fact I’m asking means I don’t know or I am unclear and need some clarification – is that too much to ask??

    Even things like booking holiday – if I ask for help someone either does it for me – or says “Were you not explained that when you started here?”

    Ahhhh….. Sorry I’m venting…

    I just suppose my NVs are saying; this always happens to me. What am I doing wrong? I’m sure if someone else worked here they would be fine.

    All I keep thinking is it’s just me, it’s just me, it’s just me…

    And I feel sad for me thinking this…



  95.  #95Heart on February 24, 2013 at 5:06 am

    Rebecca – can you quit? Sounds like a horrible environment…Write your resignation letter!
    Chances are you’ve become That Person at the office….you know the one they pick on, speak ill of and kinda bully a bit.
    Others are probably just happy it’s you and not them..
    I remembered a situation like this with a co-worker…I thought she was making it all up & just being crazy but it wasn’t the case. She was actually being ill-treated at work.



  96.  #96Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 5:18 am

    Heart – 94 –

    Yeesss!!! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks this!!

    You words are so supportive and comforting!!

    I feel like crying – I do not believe it’s my imagination but yet my head is spinning so much and when you are told by everyone that you are wrong… it is soul destroying.

    After speaking with my line manager for the first time the other day I told her I felt confused about certain things because one manager had told me one thing and she had told me another. I said I didn’t mean to be rude but just that I wanted to discuss this with her.

    She got really angry and told me “No, you have not been told that. I know exactly what the other manager has told you because we are like this (and she crossed her index finger and middle finger over and thrust them at me).

    Then I said “Well, how can you know you were not there?? ”

    This whole thing is so confusing…

    But Heart thank you thank you thank you…

    You words are awesome support to me !



  97.  #97Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 5:19 am

    It feels so good to be understood by you sirens and not the “chin up” kind of advice that I’ve also been given by friends…

    I really appreciate the support – even if I get triggered at the time…



  98.  #98Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Sorry, this has now popped into my head..

    “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you”



  99.  #99Heart on February 24, 2013 at 5:45 am

    Rebecca – I’m glad you are feeling better talking about it. I would encourage you to start looking for a new job ASAP.
    I think your manager sounds unprofessional and has poor communication.



  100.  #100Heart on February 24, 2013 at 5:47 am

    skills..



  101.  #101Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Thanks Heart – I am trying to get my cv together now, but I think I am allergic to it…

    Argghh… will push myself… I don’t know why I hate doing it so much..



  102.  #102Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 6:00 am

    Thank you sirens.. I think he disappeared because his friend has been telling him that he can do better -go out with a younger, wealthier girl and introduced him to this girl. At the same time I thought our connection was getting deeper and I had a few problems at the time, including a financial one, so I shared them with him. Once. I didn’t ask for anything, I was just upset over the phone. He left me a month later.
    I don’t know what I want to get out if the conversation. I want a miracle if course but am so scared to get rejected and even lose the cool that I has with him from not running after him.



  103.  #103Luzydel on February 24, 2013 at 6:04 am

    I have not talked to another human being the whole weekend 🙂 I am a loner and before I just hated the loner I was, now I accept it and love that part of myself.

    Some people tell me how can I handle being alone in the apartment, It isn’t a big deal really. Maybe I am narcissistic; who knows? As time passes by, the less tolerant I become to certain behaviors in others – I do not want to change them, but I just do not have the patience just to be with people I can’t stand.

    I admit somehow I miss being with a man, but the ones I have met bored me and or with time I discovered they were faking being who they said they were. I want something bigger, something beyond anything I’ve known….



  104.  #104Ludmila on February 24, 2013 at 6:09 am

    I have a quastion for Rori.
    Rori please help me. Do you have any advice how could I help my 23 yrs old son, who is suffering from incredible lonellines right now ? He and his girlfriend of three years had just split. Neither of them had ani other friends. I try to help with all the tools I had learned from your programs. But he is a man and I feel there should be a specific way for men. Whwre does he start ? love Your posts Ludmila



  105.  #105Heart on February 24, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Memulo – IF it was me, I would just contact him in order to help me move on…Fixating & obsession on a non-issue is making u suffer in limbo…

    You’re always talking & asking questions about this guy…Just contact him…call him up & ask him hows life.ovement course and ask him why he lost interest?



  106.  #106Heart on February 24, 2013 at 6:20 am

    Sorry I had a little problem posting…
    I was suggesting that u email him saying your doing a self-improvement course and was wondering why he disappeared….

    I know that’s Super Scary but it could help…



  107.  #107Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 6:25 am

    Heart would you contact him after this long?

    Frankly, I don’t need to know why he disappeared. I am not writing a thesis. It never really tortured me -why. I only felt terrible that it happened.



  108.  #108Heart on February 24, 2013 at 6:44 am

    Memulo – yes…If I was still thinking about him & going online and asking for advice about him online…Yes Definitely…just for a reality check.



  109.  #109Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Last year today we spent a day together and had a great time. I know he remembers but if he is with the new girl for this long it means I was not as important



  110.  #110Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 6:49 am

    Memulo, this ex guy sounds like he is zapping your energy. What do you think?



  111.  #111Indigo on February 24, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Memulo,

    I thin what Heart is saying, and I echo her sentiments here, is that if it is bothering you to the point that you are discussing it and making yourself anxious on an online blog, contacting him cannot be possibly be any worse.

    If I were to hazard a guess, and I really want to say this as gently and kindly as possible, it could be this intense and obsessive energy which pushed him away. Guys cannot handle it.

    Call him. Release that energy. Who cares if the call doesn’t go perfectly? Just shift that overthinking.



  112.  #112Heart on February 24, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Memulo – he has a gf?



  113.  #113Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Heart – I don’t know. All I know id that he left the dating site 2 months after he disappeared and he never contacted me again.



  114.  #114Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Memulo – just call him…Now.



  115.  #115Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:07 am

    Call him Call him Call him…
    free your mind 🙂



  116.  #116Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:07 am

    I did not act intense and obsessive with him. I acted passive, he even complained about it, I received his attention and responded in a loving way, but initiated rarely. Anyway – I need to feel strong if I were to call him, thinking about my past mistakes with him is not helping.

    Mostly I think now that its too late to make a move.



  117.  #117Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Memulo – (((hugs)))
    do u have Rori’s book?



  118.  #118ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Hi all,
    I am new to this site, but have been reading posts for about a year now.

    I would just like to share my feelings with someone, which is very hard for me too do since I put up a very defensive allure.

    I soften when I am with the man I am dating yet I have softened to the point that I have given him no boundaries he must respect. I don’t feel respected by him because I have NEVER asked for anything or expected anything from him.

    I am not sure if there is a way of establishing boundaries at this point in time after being with him for a year and a half. Is there a way I can communicate what I need to be happy without him feeling like Im locking him down.

    If someone could chime in and give me a few hints I would greatly appreciate it 🙂 as he is a man the man I have always dreampt of meeting. I just thought it would be so much easier.

    Much love,
    ArabianLove



  119.  #119Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:14 am

    The book is not helping;)



  120.  #120Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:17 am

    I feel that calling would be to lose all my power with him, whatever is left of it. Wish i could shift it, but it’s true, isn’t it



  121.  #121Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Memulo – just call him…you’re stuck.



  122.  #122Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:18 am

    I remember u talking about this Months ago..



  123.  #123Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:18 am

    I don’t know where Starla got confidence to call her guy after 8 months



  124.  #124Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:23 am

    If I said – it’s slowly going away, I can survive without calling – would you still day to call?



  125.  #125Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 7:23 am

    ((((((Memulo))))) I agree with Heart – call him?



  126.  #126Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:27 am

    He will always know that whatever he did to me – at the end I swallowed and called



  127.  #127Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 7:29 am

    Memulo, it seems to be eating up at you and that you want to call. What do you think?



  128.  #128ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Memulo,

    Sweetie I truly don’t believe men think like that.

    I think he would be flattered if you called him.

    He’d get a definite ego boost and will like it ! 😉
    Don’t be afraid to do what you want !



  129.  #129Indigo on February 24, 2013 at 7:30 am

    Memulo,

    If you say you did not act intense and obsessive, but rather passive, I am sure that you did. And yet, guys can feel our energy at a distance, as Rori is always saying (and Feminine Woman is fond of saying 🙂 ). He can feel this worry and anxiety in the ether.

    I am concerned also that you say it is because of fear of losing your power that you are reluctant to call.

    But you must do what feels right for you. 🙂



  130.  #130Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:40 am

    I only want to call if it works out;) I hate to think about any other outcome.
    I just checked that there was a holiday event for kids yesterday that I missed.I checked 2 other places but not this one. I thought they had something today, not yday, and actually this us the one where he would mist likely go.



  131.  #131Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:42 am

    Indigo – seeing that we dont really know why the guy disappeared…I think it might come across as a little blamey to tell Memulo her vibe drove him away…If it’s the truth, let her reach that conclusion on her own…



  132.  #132Indigo on February 24, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Apologies. I can see how it could come across that way. I am sorry.



  133.  #133Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Memulo….are u thinking of stalking him now?

    ohno…just call…



  134.  #134Heart on February 24, 2013 at 7:52 am

    (((Indigo)))



  135.  #135Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 7:52 am

    Heart isn’t it better to ‘run into him accidentally’? That would be ideal I think.

    Ok, what if I hear the negative response. would I just say have a nice day and hang up?



  136.  #136MovingMagic on February 24, 2013 at 7:55 am

    Memulo, perhaps it would be more powerful to call him than to not. Calling him vs not calling him has already been given alot of thought. Thoughts = energy.



  137.  #137Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 8:01 am

    I love this article!!! 🙂



  138.  #138Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 8:06 am

    @7 Daria

    I feel so good reading about how you´r mother has cut your hair and how you are going sking with her! :9
    Also the invite to join the record label sounds really intriguing. I feel curious to know moer about that! 🙂



  139.  #139Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 8:06 am

    What message to leave if he doesn’t pick up? It’s me, sorry I missed you? He wont know it’s my number, he didn’t have it saved. He always mentioned is as an example of how disorganized he is



  140.  #140MovingMagic on February 24, 2013 at 8:11 am

    Memulo something short, sweet, & possibly upbeat?



  141.  #141Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 8:13 am

    Any ideas??



  142.  #142MovingMagic on February 24, 2013 at 8:17 am

    Memulo, trust yourself. 🙂 I’m sure you have a style that is completely your own.



  143.  #143Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Memulo, just sound natural, say “hi” that sort of thing.



  144.  #144Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 8:32 am

    I was asking about a message to leave;) Starla scared me when she said she didn’t leave ‘call me back’ message



  145.  #145Heart on February 24, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Memulo – did u call hm yet?



  146.  #146ALA on February 24, 2013 at 8:51 am

    I would prefer to hear his voice and wouldn’t leave a message. But that’s me.

    It’s good to be prepared for the worst outcome, as a form of self-protection. But, what if he’s happy to hear from you? What do you want to say to him?



  147.  #147Heart on February 24, 2013 at 8:58 am

    Memulo – just call him…it will all come to u in the moment.



  148.  #148Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:02 am

    To ask how are you?



  149.  #149Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:03 am

    If I hear that he is taken do I say – good luck?



  150.  #150Heart on February 24, 2013 at 9:03 am

    stop overthinking it…just do it already…



  151.  #151Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 9:07 am

    @ Memulo

    I feel there are lots of expectations in the air.
    If you were your own best friend, what advice would you give yourself?

    ((((Memulo))))



  152.  #152Heart on February 24, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Just say u’re seeing someone too & ur happy for him



  153.  #153ALA on February 24, 2013 at 9:09 am

    wishing you the best

    hope you’re happy



  154.  #154Heart on February 24, 2013 at 9:10 am

    I hope u r dialling his number now…



  155.  #155Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 9:11 am

    I believe we must love ourselves first… no matter which the outcome or who’s the guy in the picture.



  156.  #156Heart on February 24, 2013 at 9:13 am

    Memulo – say u r going to so amd so event and it reminded u of him…
    tell him he was a good friend or something neutral like that…



  157.  #157Heart on February 24, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Ulii – easier said than done…



  158.  #158Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Heart – yes it is probably. I just feel afraid that if there’s a “negative” outcome, it would be a new reason for Memulo to continue beating herself up. That’s why I said what I did as a reminder.

    Memulo- if I were you I would want to get to that place where I know I will be ok no matter what because I have myself to love me no matter what.

    I would call probably…but as I’d know, that in the best case it gives me some clarity…and it the worst case I will be ignored, but that won´t show me anything else than that that man was just not right nor ready for having a relationship with me.



  159.  #159Rori Raye on February 24, 2013 at 9:34 am

    ArabianLove, Welcome, and read everything you can here – start with my ebook if you can – it’ll give you lots of “Scripts” – and we’ll help here. Love, Rori



  160.  #160Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:36 am

    I called. The greeting said that his mailbox is full and can’t except new messages.



  161.  #161Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 9:37 am

    @ Memulo

    “The trick here is NO trick – it’s about speaking what you really feel, and not what you “think” is going to get you what you want.”

    I love this part of Rori’s answer to Innana, and I see it applying in this case where you are calling a man with certain expectations to it to “work out” rather than just to express your feelings or ask the questions what you want to know for yourself.



  162.  #162Rori Raye on February 24, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Ludmila, Welcome, and you sound like a wonderful mother! He has to do just the OPPOSITE of what we’re doing here. If you can somehow leave some computer windows open for him to find – get him to try online dating. It’s anonymous enough for him to ease into it, he can try http://www.doubleyourdating.com – free newsletters, and so many men out there being helpful to other men around dating, to give him the courage to approach women – which is what he HAS to learn to do in his daily life. Friends will happen if he simply does stuff out in the world he likes…. Love, Rori



  163.  #163Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 9:39 am

    @ Memulo..

    ah sorry… I just saw now you called. How is calling related to mailbox? (Maybe it is…I am not too familiar with smartphones.



  164.  #164Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Yes Ulii. Thank you. So what do I do next -call in a few hours? And then tomorrow lol and daily after that till he picks up



  165.  #165Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:41 am

    He put his full name on the greeting and it sounds really good. I feel calmer for no reason really



  166.  #166Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:43 am

    An automated message saying – mailbox belonging to Xx is full



  167.  #167Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 9:44 am

    @ Tam

    Wow! Yay for you!

    “Curly took me to a place where I used to go with MrP…I thought it would be a big trigger and when I was there, it was tough at first..and then it turned into a womderful afternoon and we had a lovely lunch and I made plenty of new memories in an old place. It felt like I was moving on.”

    I am all for creating new memories in an old place. Helps me greatly to reduce the excessive nostalgia. 🙂



  168.  #168Heart on February 24, 2013 at 9:45 am

    (((((Memulo))))))

    Ulii – calling a guy you havent spoken to in 6 months and spilling your guts…is Weird.
    Rori’s advice for ppl in some kind of relationship or dating situation…U can’t have a dark night of the soul when it’s fuelled by nothingness…can u?

    I’m proud of you Memulo…
    How do u feel?



  169.  #169Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 9:49 am

    @ Memulo

    Ah..I understand. Ok…I am not the one to say to call or not. I would concentrate on the “why” you’re doing it and to watch I don´t have any agenda attached to it. I would do it if I’d believe it gets me myself to a better place thene where I am now. Or if I had a kind of “whatever” attitude and be only interested in knowing about him as a human being, but not wanting a certain outcome with him. It seemed to me when Starla did call QZ she was in that kind of a place emotionally.



  170.  #170Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Thank you Heart, I feel better. I now really want to talk to him. Ulii is right – to feel your truth and let it shine through. Whether it’s a 2 minute talk or a longer conversation – to LIVE it.



  171.  #171Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Though the fact that he is not picking up on Sunday early afternoon can mean he is not alone



  172.  #172Heart on February 24, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Memulo – it could mean any number of things. Just give yourself a big hug.



  173.  #173Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:53 am

    I am doing it because the truth is that I never stopped missing him



  174.  #174Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:56 am

    I never had an agenda with him and he knew it. I always had my heart open never tried to control, ask inquisitive questions, take power. I loved him



  175.  #175Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:01 am

    Heart – I am not telling Memulo to call or not to call. It’s her responsability to choose and to do. It can be weird or not. Depends on everyones perspective. Which are all different. To me it wouldn´t be weird, I have done it. I might have not have the man back or have a man say sorry to me or even explain to me why some things happened… But I wouldn´t care if I’d feel I need to express myself, I wouldn’t care if somebody thinks it’s weird…Rori’s quote feels just like a common truth to me applicable in every situation… that´s saying our truth & feelings without a “trick”, which to me signifies an agenda or any kind of specific expectations… But what I´m reading here about the call. It seems there are expectations and there are a willingness to talk a certain way to get a certain outcome. If I were you Memulo, I would try to only care about expressing what I need & want to express, and not care about how he might react to that. I know it´s not easy “not to care”…and maybe it´s not possible on a feeling level…but at least it is possible not to set my actions up according to other people’s possible reactions…



  176.  #176Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:06 am

    @ Memulo

    “I am doing it because the truth is that I never stopped missing him”

    This is beautiful to read as this feels the core reason for you to call. Can you express only this and be ok whatever the answer to this is?

    I do think it is brave that you called.

    ((((Memulo))))



  177.  #177Femininewoman on February 24, 2013 at 10:07 am

    Maybe Memulo but can you consider that it might not have been a match? Would you have preferred it had gone on for years with you in heartbreak? These rejections are God’s protection



  178.  #178Heart on February 24, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Ulii – think it sounds a bit abusive …a bit like off-loading your craziness unto someone else with no thought about their comfort of feeings…
    A man you haven’t been involved with for 6 months is a stranger…
    If some guy I dated 6 months ago called me to offload onto me…I would feel Violated…
    That’s just my view…



  179.  #179Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:12 am

    I´m myself in little trouble just now, where I´m disappointed Lawyer CD’s eagerness to see me this evening is not as great as I expected, in spite of his really intense words of missing me during last days…Still, real life & travel incommodieties seem to be winning today. But I feel reluctant to travel to him myself. There was a slight chance I might do that for more reasons to get to his town tonight, at the en d I decided I´m not going to. So now I’m feeling alone at home & not knowing really what to say to him. He said also he can´t come to me before Tuesday. I feel pouty somehow… but also guilty. As he is almost always coming to me. Hmhmhm…



  180.  #180ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 10:14 am

    Thank you Rori for your warm welcome !



  181.  #181Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 10:16 am

    I am not going to say first that I miss him. That is if we ever talk;)



  182.  #182Femininewoman on February 24, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Memulo he didn’t save your number? Wow. Maybe that is the reason he has not called. Then again he knows where you live



  183.  #183Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:19 am

    @ Heart

    “off-loading your craziness unto someone else with no thought about their comfort of feeings…”

    Ok… I understand a call from a woman you knew months ago could feel like that if she’s screaming to you and crying & doing drama.. It´s hard for me to see myself (or Memulo) doing something like that though…) I believe we can speak about our feelings calmly and respectfully. But also I feel not responsible of a grown up man’s reactions & feelings. If he feels like that then it’s his job to protect himself from me. 🙂



  184.  #184Femininewoman on February 24, 2013 at 10:20 am

    Ulii I would tell him it felt too masculine and did not feel romantic and thatks not how I wnt to feel with him



  185.  #185Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 10:26 am

    FW, I moved apartments;) he had my number on the texts we exchanged



  186.  #186Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 10:26 am

    Also he has my email



  187.  #187Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:30 am

    @Femininewoman
    Yes, probably I should.
    Still there´s more stuff connected. As I told him I might be going to a concert to his town…and then hoped him to be eager to see me after that. But it felt like he was a bit neutral about that…just I felt it his desire to see me less intense as usual. So I then felt bad about the idea of travelling and cancelled. Now he has expressed me after that via message that he feels disappointed as he already got his hopes up to see me. (Which kind of shows me the willingness I hoped before…just that before we were on the phone talking and I´m the awkwardnest person in that.. ) And that he can´t come tomorrow but could Tuesday.
    I feel a bit closed off because of my disappointment I won´t see him soon, but of course, I will want to see him Tuesday. I´m just reluctant to answer yet as I feel negativity in me which is not his fault.



  188.  #188ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Memulo,

    why don’t you want to call this guy 🙂 ? What is holding you back? Is it fear ?



  189.  #189Heart on February 24, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Ulii – I guess we just have different empathy levels and what we consider acceptable behavior.



  190.  #190Heart on February 24, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Ulii – Tuesday isnt far away…leanback…



  191.  #191Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Memulo,

    I’m so sorry I don’t know much of your situation with this guy. Were you in a fully committed relationship with him? What happened – did he just poof – or did it end amicably?



  192.  #192Femininewoman on February 24, 2013 at 10:35 am

    He would naturally be neutral because it was not his idea. Though his words suggest that he might have dummed himself down a bit not to appear too eager. It might be his way of managing his expectations.



  193.  #193Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Rebecca we were in what thought was a committed relationship, went out for 8-9 months. He disappeared 5 months ago.



  194.  #194Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 10:40 am

    Ulii did you consider picking up the phone and discussing it with him?



  195.  #195ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 10:40 am

    How have some of you gone about getting closer to the man you are seeing ? I feel like everytime I try to communicate with my guy he’s in another world, but when he wants to talk about his problems and I reciprocate his acting distant …he gets all huffy and puffy!



  196.  #196Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 10:42 am

    So do I call again later today or onceca day is plenty



  197.  #197Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:44 am

    Heart – me saying we have to love ourseves no matter what & express our true feelings … I don´t see it has anything to do with spilling my guts out to a guy in a disrespectful manner. So I don´t really see what it has to do with empathy levels nor acceptable behaviour. While not saying the truth (like I’m happy someone is going out with somebody else when I´m really not feeling it… ) would feel harmful to me… and also disrespectful to the guy. I don´t know if I maybe misunderstood something.



  198.  #198Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Memulo – 193 – that’s pretty harsh of him don’t you think? He “disappeared” and didn’t tell you.

    Why do you want to be with someone who can’t even be bothered to end things properly with you?

    I would suggest contacting him but having no expectations of the outcome…

    I had a similar thing with a guy in the summer, my neighbour, he avoided me for months.

    I eventually contacted him just to say hi and was friendly, he responded back and was friendly and chatty but that was it.

    Sometimes people just need space. I wasn’t in a relationship with him so I didn’t expect anything else really…



  199.  #199Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 10:48 am

    Also, if anyone can help / offer advice with my work situation it would be very much appreciated…



  200.  #200ALA on February 24, 2013 at 10:50 am

    “So do I call again later today”

    Nooooooo… be proud of yourself for being so brave and Rock Star!!! Stay with those good feelings and feel good about yourself. Give it a few days at least before another attempt to call.



  201.  #201Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:51 am

    @ Heart

    Thanks! Yes, I agree, Tuesday is close. I´m leaning back mostly always, now I just have to answer him if Tuesday is ok (which he did ask in his message).

    @ Memulo

    Thanks to you too!
    Well, to tell you the truth I am a weird person if it comes to talking by phone. I just don´t like it at all and it stresses me to a level I´m not comfortable talking become really nervous, specially with men. I have always been like that and I have communictaed my preferences to Lawer CD, so he does now use messaging mostly for us to communicate between dates. And I love to receive messages from him. Our dynamic is usually communicate by sms if there’s no urgent information to share.



  202.  #202Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 10:52 am

    @ 192 FW
    Yes, you are right. I see that´s probably how it was.



  203.  #203ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 10:56 am

    @ Rebecca
    I’d love to help if I can with your work situation.
    What does it entail exactly. I can’t seem to find your post about it on here 🙂



  204.  #204Luzydel on February 24, 2013 at 10:58 am

    Memulo, I only contact a man to let go of expectations, not to create new ones. Sometimes guys do not contact us because they did not feel it enough for us after a few months of dating us. Unfortunately men are “cowards” when it comes to tell us that, so they disappear. EIther that or he got hit by a truck… 😉

    Are you ready for his reaction? if he reconnects with you, are you willing to forgive him? If he doesn’t and is with someone new, will you stop putting yourself down so much? For what you say in the blog, it seems he was circular dating, three months with a woman in a man’s mind is not really a lot of time.

    If it was me yes I would contact him, just a casual hello, just wondered how you’re doing etc.



  205.  #205Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 11:00 am

    @ Heart

    I see I express myself in a way that might induce to think about abusive & violent expression as I use expressions like “who cares” “whatever”…etc… I want to say, It´s mostly beacuse I´m not English-native and it´s a bit hard for me to translate intense emotions into words sometimes…
    I feel strongly about that the self-love is a base for everything else…also to a healthy communication with everyone. So I concentrate on expressing that via attitude, how someone should feel about themselves (positive, loving themselves every moment, not letting their self-esteem to get low if a situation with a man doesn´t work out). It is not usually that I would use harsh words while expressing myself to a man. I also try to see the things as they just are. Not that a man is bad nor that I am bad. There are just situations & relationships that are not a match.



  206.  #206Heart on February 24, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Ulii – I was responding to your statement about not caring about how a grown man handle his feelings …that it wasn’t your problem…
    I Care about a grown man’s feelings and would act differently in the situation.
    We’re different ppl and handle different situations …Differently…
    I’m sensing a debatish tone and vibe to you..
    I feel like you want to have your cake and eat it too….
    You want to Not care about how a man in that situation would feel but you Also want to be seen having Empathy?
    Strange…



  207.  #207Heart on February 24, 2013 at 11:02 am

    Memulo – I agree with ALA ….give it a few days..



  208.  #208Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 11:05 am

    9 months Luzydel. I dont know what to say. I dont know if I have expectations. I am ready to be myself and let go of fear.



  209.  #209Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 11:06 am

    @ Rebecca

    What I´ve read about your job situation it does seem that the environment is hostile & that your boss is unprofessional. Maybe there´s even hints of mobbing (not giving a person clrar instructions what her job is, and not giving him stuff to do could be considered that where I am)…I would also try to look for a new job, but also try to document the situation & inform myself about the laws and what a worker can do in such circumstances. Or maybe demand a proper explanation-list of my responsibilities and a proper work-load. (Don´t really know if that´s possible in where you´re working, it is here in Europe where I am, although few people are brave enough to do it… I believe it´s our responsablity to require being treated well, also by legal means if not other ways possible).



  210.  #210ALA on February 24, 2013 at 11:08 am

    @Rebecca – I feel empathy for you!

    I work for myself, alone, except when a client comes in. So, I’m not very familiar w/ office politics.

    hmmm, try to feel gratitude that you actually DO have a job while so many are unemployed… while looking for another job that fulfills you.



  211.  #211Emoticon on February 24, 2013 at 11:15 am

    (((((((((Rebecca))))))))))



  212.  #212Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 11:20 am

    @Heart

    Ok.. I admit I feel triggered about your words about empathy levels and I want to explain to not be considered as someone with low empathy levels. Maybe it could be debatish…yes. And probably it shows I am unsure of myself and blame myself of being unsensitive sometimes. I´m not perfect yet,,,not at all.
    ..I see you refer to this phrase..”But also I feel not responsible of a grown up man’s reactions & feelings. If he feels like that then it’s his job to protect himself from me.”

    I continue to say it´s not my responsibility how he reacts to my contacting and what his feeling are. I can not control that. He might be happy even. If I call him to say I miss him… for example. Or he might be angry… I don’t mean here I don´t care about his feelings. But I am not withholding my feelings & my truth for a fear he might get disturbed. If he does, then I deal with the consecuences… But it´s mostly because I trust him being a grown up and dealing with his side of the communication. I see that as respect. I woudln´t call him to say disrespectful things to him, or to blame him of anything…



  213.  #213Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 11:24 am

    And of course, we are different and deal differently with the situations that occur.
    I wouldn´t want to put a man’s feelings on a pedestal or regard them with higher value than my own feelings. But I don´t agree this means I don´t have empathy. That’s the essence of what I was saying.



  214.  #214Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Before dumbcd I didn’t have axtelationship for a very long time. I was so out of shape and out of touch with reality. I feel a lot more confident now about handling a guy – any guy. I feel so upset this came back to me late



  215.  #215Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 11:31 am

    I have an Oscar viewing party to go to tonight and a date after.



  216.  #216MovingMagic on February 24, 2013 at 11:34 am

    Rori teaches us a different way of communicating our feelings. She highlights expressing ourselves in ways that are non blaming. We take responsibility for our feelings, express them in a feeling way, & then let the person respond. I’ve started applying this in many areas of my life. It feels so much better when I own my stuff, express it, & provide the space for real communication/healing.



  217.  #217Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 11:35 am

    @ 215 Memulo

    That sounds good!

    Regardin the call, I would give it few time as others have suggested, and then check in with myself to see how I am feeling about it and if I still would want to call or not.



  218.  #218MovingMagic on February 24, 2013 at 11:38 am

    I just had a cd text me, & say he wants to do something challenging/new on our first date. He wants to go rock climbing!! Whoo! I feel excited. 🙂



  219.  #219Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 11:41 am

    @ MovingMagic

    Wow that sounds like real fun! How exciting!!!



  220.  #220Heart on February 24, 2013 at 11:43 am

    Ulii – As before …I was responding to your initial statements. I feel weirded out that you’ve become so unhinged & defensive from one statement….And now you are taking this discussion All over the place and making it about all kinds of things it hadnt been about before…
    I encourage u to sink & feel….
    I will as well….



  221.  #221Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Thanks sirens, yes, maybe it’s “mobbing” – although I’ve never heard that word before 🙂 That’s exactly what is happening. I just feel unbelievably paranoid – because people who I thought I trusted seem to be saying things behind my back. I don’t know who I can trust and who I can talk to. Even if I ask a question it gets back to everybody and it gets twisted…

    I just don’t know if they are all really, really annoyed at me??

    Hmm….



  222.  #222MovingMagic on February 24, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Ohhh Memulo, the party sounds fun!! Maybe wear some sequins for the ocassion? Like you’re channeling your inner Oscar winning diva? That’s what I would do. 😉



  223.  #223Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 11:56 am

    ArabianLove – 203 – just to fill you in briefly I have been in my current job for 3 months with no real brief or job description – well there is but there is no explanation on how to carry it out – who to report to, etc…

    Anyway on the day I started my line manager who took me on left. He showed me my desk, introduced me to the entire office and then left. Oh, and he told me to go to a workshop which I did.

    Anyway, weeks, months have gone on and I’m still not a lot clearer. My line manager now, is someone who I’ve barely met and doesn’t really know what I do.

    Anyway, she is now on my case asking me what the problem is and that she’s heard all sorts of reports that I’ve been crying and that I don’t like anybody etc, etc…

    Obviously I was pretty stressed out by this and told her that ever since I’ve worked here I’ve had barely any work to do, and for the last month zilch. Again she told me it was my fault and I would only get out of a job what I put into it…

    Well, that’s it, in a nutshell. I feel very scared, down and depressed by it all and I guess I am turning it in o myself.

    Whenever I confide in other colleagues they go running back to her. So I don’t know what’s been said behind my back…

    It’s all freaking me out to the point where I was very ill last week and my hair was all brittle and my skin was all dry..



  224.  #224GlowStix on February 24, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Emoticon!

    How exciting! Cake baking/decorating classes are so much fun! I’m rooting for you building your dreams xxx



  225.  #225ALA on February 24, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    I forget who said this:

    “What other people think of me is none of my business”

    I know a little about this from my own experience. Mobbing, bullying is a part of our primal DNA. When tribes needed cooperation within the group to defeat another tribe for scarce resources.

    They also pick on the perceived weaker person because of something traumatic within themselves that has yet to be healed. It’s the only way they know how to feel better about themselves.



  226.  #226Rebecca on February 24, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    I’m also left thinking – is it me? Am I being a bad person? Am I getting something wrong? Is something expected of me that I don’t know about…

    Pffff….. It’s going round and round in my head…



  227.  #227Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 12:22 pm

    ((((((((((Rebecca))))))))))))

    No it´s not you.
    It´s normal to want to know clearly what one’s job is. And feel confused & bad if there is no clear information around this. How can any sane person tell you it´s your fault? Are you expected to arrive to a new job and just sit there and take from the air what you need to do. No, I think not.
    Have you communicated to the line manager you really need some clear instructions? And what she expects you to do exactly… Wow…this must really feel stressing….I believe you.



  228.  #228Ulii on February 24, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Ok..
    Heart – I still don´t see this being all over the place, but maybe I am… I don´t have so good day myself today. I had understood on this blog we can write all of this..
    So…can I write here what I feel?
    Or you mean I should feel on my own and not write?

    I´m not feeling bad or unhinged here (had to look that up from the dictionary)…but yes, defensive, and unfairly labelled…as someone who is not empathetic nor knows how to act properly. And I don´t understand how my words can be perceived as such.

    I feel there was a misreading of my words & later I feel labelled with a negative quality which I don´t feel is fair based on what I had said.

    And I feel triggered a lot when I see sirens beating themselves up and considering themselves low-value or not enough or similar… It´s probably reflecting of how I was just few time ago and it has cost me a lot of work to be able to express my feelings rather than withhold them. I have been overly considerate towards men’s feelings and I have cared more for them than I have cared for me. So from there I get strongly emotional about

    I do think it´s quite hard to express oneself fully on this blog, and it only is by glimpses… So some words directed to me seem harsh & unfair to me.

    But It´s still all good, as I don’t really feel bad either. And I feel good about noticing my triggers, so thank you, Heart, for bringing them to mu attention!



  229.  #229Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    Maybe I’m not losing my cool completely given I was silent for so long?



  230.  #230Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    MovingMagic, thank you, I have a very s-xy short dress that fits me perfectly and I know everyone will be looking. How much does it all matter if it doesn’t give me what I want;)



  231.  #231ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    @ Rebecca
    Thanks for filling me in 🙂 !

    Hmm.. I agree with Ulii (227) that maybe you should simply go to your line manager and ask her what your job entails and ask her how you can help her etc.

    I would be friendly to everyone and just smile, which I’m sure you do already.
    I would not confide in anyone anymore, simply because you are not sure whether you could trust your coworkers at all and obviously any complaint can get back to your manager who doesn’t seem very open!



  232.  #232ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 12:50 pm

    Hope that helped a bit 😉 !



  233.  #233ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 12:58 pm

    This is my plan from here on.
    I will lean back and let him take the lead.
    I will not wait on him anymore.
    I will love myself.
    I will accept only formal date offers. – I doubt he will live up to this expectation, he will probably just disappear since it will be too much work.
    Plus I feel it’s just so hard for me to not accepting anything I get from him because I just want to see him so badly!
    Oh boy…



  234.  #234ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    correction * not to accept just about anything I get from him since I want to see him so badly!



  235.  #235Ernest Dempsey on February 24, 2013 at 1:18 pm

    Great commentary, Rori!
    I went through a dark night a few years ago. While in it, it was the most difficult time in my life. Now I have something so much better in many aspects of my life, not just relationship. But my relationship is mutually supportive and extremely caring. I would never appreciate it as much as I do without going through that dark night of the soul.
    Also, your thoughts about stating what you want and getting it out there are what I call “planting your flag.” It’s the things you want, believe in, that are important to you. In great relationships, you don’t give up what you want. The other person should want you to have those things.
    It’s giving up the things you want that make relationships hard. I think relationships should be easy. When you’re with the right person, they definitely are. Doesn’t mean it’s perfect. But it’s really close. 🙂



  236.  #236k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Ulii: I believed it was u who said this in the last thread.

    “I don´t know about poofing. I mean, I have never ever had anyone I cared deeply about poofed without any explanation. If a man is going to leave… I found there is always an explanation and usually it has been logical and I have known it from before. I don´t mean the ones who talk few lines with you on a dating site or in a pub, maybe ask my number and then don´t follow through. These I forget almost immediatyely about. But in a case there has been some kind of relationship or dating situation, no-one has just disappeared on me.” Ulii trust me when a man disappears on u, meaning a man u were involved with, it is not a nice feeling. I am glad this never happened to u. When u are involved with a man for a period of time, if he wants out, the least he can do is to do the honourable thing to give u closure. And like u said – am not talking about someone who u communicate with for a short time who stops contacting. Girl I know what u are talking about. My boyfriend disappeared on me 7 months ago. Memulo: when I hear u bring up this topic of the man who disappeared on u, I always have to respond. Do u notice how different people take different times to heal. Your guy disappeared on u 5 months ago and it is still bothering u. My guy disappeared on me 7 months ago and to be honest, I think I got over him fully in December, to tell u the truth, 5 months after he disappeared. I am suggesting that you go to counselling. I don’t remember if I have suggested it before. If u were to call him, do u have any expectations of him. I really feel for u.



  237.  #237Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    I hope for a human conversation



  238.  #238Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Counseling won’t help me, thanks K2012.



  239.  #239Miss Bells on February 24, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    I know I need to have a talk with HS. Using a power script.
    FolkSong CD was alright. We went for a ride in his convertible.
    I know you CD to avoid getting hung-up on one man. But what do you do if you are ALREADY hung-up on one man when you start to CD?
    It doesn’t seem to help, and I have tried several times, very sincerely.
    ????



  240.  #240Femininewoman on February 24, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Memulo you are dressing for you, because you feel good about yourself. Go with an open heart. You never know where you will meet The One.



  241.  #241k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    238: Memulo, counselling won’t help u? Oh dear. Sorry to hear that.



  242.  #242Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    I am thinking.. perhaps my call will never be returned, even if he knows it’s me calling. No need to call again.



  243.  #243Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    Why didnt I at least block my number



  244.  #244Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    K2012, there were guys who I forgot in a month, no disappearing though. It all depends on each specific situation.



  245.  #245ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Don’t regret anything you have done Memulo 🙂



  246.  #246Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 3:47 pm

    Maybe his gfriend made him delete our texts and my number with them.



  247.  #247Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 3:54 pm

    I rate the chance that he deleted our texts as very high:) What do you think?



  248.  #248innana on February 24, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    I think you’re obssessing too much over the answer. Take a nice soothing bubble bath instead and don’t worry so much about the ‘what ifs’ cuz it’s not your business anymore. 🙂



  249.  #249ulii on February 24, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Memulo – I believe usually the phone inbox gets full at some point and older messages must be deleted if you want to have space for newer ones.



  250.  #250Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    It was nice to hear his voice saying his name on the greeting. So it’s a win/win situation



  251.  #251MovingMagic on February 24, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Memulo, what are you passionate about in life? Like truly, absolutely, heart skips a beat passionate? For me, it’s dance. I’ve found that the more I do of it, the less time/energy I have in my life for the things that aren’t serving me. Interestingly enough, people are drawn to that…& if not, well…they’re just not. 😉



  252.  #252k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    “You can’t dance around what you need to say to a man. You can’t pretend you don’t want what you want.” This is a good post. Trust me. I am certainly not going to pretend that I don’t want what I want. For example with Overseas cd, I told him that I am interested in a relationship. U see I have no time to fool around with men who are not serious so if u can’t give me what I want u LEAVE. Its that simple. Since the breakup between Disappearing ex and myself ( as matter of he broke up by disappearing) I have learnt so much from all the relationship coaches that I have subscribed to, especially Rori. The newsletters were really helpful in my healing and opened my eyes. I have neverb been afraid to ask for what I want from a man. If u can’t give me what I want and u leave, it is obvious that were not the right man in the first place. I am not walking on no eggshells for no man and I am not going to be afraid to ask for what I want.



  253.  #253Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Ulii- yes, absolutely. I am worried he could identify my phone number, that’s all.



  254.  #254innana on February 24, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    <<<>>> @69 – Sorry for missing your question. The answer for whether I know why I am pulled towards him despite all the pain caused by the relationship, I don’t have an answer for you. One thing I do know though is that after the breakups with this guy lets call him R, I circular dated (big time! lol) and even found someone I liked! But I broke up after 3 months because for one thing, R came back full gusto with the mindset that he had read some books and learned all the right things to do to make things work between us. Also, I broke up with the new guy because I think my heart was elsewhere.



  255.  #255innana on February 24, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    INDIGO – I meant to address my last post to you!



  256.  #256k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 4:13 pm

    Memulo u called him? Seems like I missed something. What was his response?



  257.  #257ulii on February 24, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Why are you worried about that Memulo?



  258.  #258Goddess Lily on February 24, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    Rebecca,

    I have always felt connected to your feelings about your work environment. I just recently escaped a legitimately toxic work situations and even then my NVs tried to attack me in the new department. Crafty little b*st*rds! I just want you to know I get you.



  259.  #259innana on February 24, 2013 at 4:26 pm

    HEART – thanks so much for your insight and feedback about my approach. I agree that my covert way of saying I wanted to see him came across as needy and weak. In my own mind, I was allowing myself to feel vulnerable and tap into the sadness I was feeling for not having seen him in a couple of days given the degree of our closeness and successful interactions the last time we had seen each other. I missed our closeness and wasn’t getting the same sense back from him. I felt sad, resentful and frustrated by it. I’m definitely going to get Rori’s e-book. But truthfully, it feels like I’ve tried a bazillion methods (anger, sadness, happiness, resentfullness, hurt and fear) and NONE have consistently worked. I’m glad that since last last fall I broke up with him telling him I could never win with him as whatever way I tried to be myself it was never good enough. SHEESH!



  260.  #260innana on February 24, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    But obviously, here I am asking for advice about something that happened months ago. Since last fall, we have kept in touch and chatted with each other once or twice a week. He dropped off flowers at my doorstep for my birthday in January. Argh!



  261.  #261ulii on February 24, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    @ 236 k2012

    Yes it was me who wrote that. I didn’t mean to devalue anybody’s experience. I really believe it feels awful when someone disappears on you, specially a long term man you care a lot about.
    I just same time feel curious how it is really possible without any signs at all, like if you are deeply connected with your inner feeling & intuition, aren’t there any red flags that maybe told you that he’s going to disappear before it really happened? Or if you didn’t feel it back then, then maybe now, remembering, are’t there some possible warning-signs you notice from a distance that passing time has given. I am only asking from a place of wanting o know & understand, because it does feel horrible such a thing can happen without any warning like a natural disaster. I wouldn’t like to ever experience it. And I feel grateful I haven’t.



  262.  #262Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    There was no response K2012. It went to an automated message saying that his voicemail is full and I can’t leave axmessage



  263.  #263Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    Ulii I’m worried because it’s not pleasant to compromise your dignity;)



  264.  #264ulii on February 24, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    So, how would him knowing you called compromise your dignity? If you called because you wanted, and if he had been able to take the call…he would have known anyway it was you… I’m sorry I don’t understand.



  265.  #265k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    Memulo-Ok his voicemail was full, ok.



  266.  #266Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Right, the call was dignity compromising any way you put. But I knew it when I called.



  267.  #267Dominique on February 24, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    Innana – 259 – If whatever you have tried is not “good enough” (though I would ask you to do your best to be YOURSELF, REAL and AUTHENTIC as much of the time as possible), then this is not the man for you.

    All of this work, everything which goes into creating relationship comes back to you, starts with you.
    I say a lot that when things feel bad to bring it back to you. It’s the same here. It’s always about you. How you feel. And feeling good starts with you, filling your life with people, activities, passions which fill YOU up.

    And the kind of men you really want will begin to show up and want to be with you, ones who will treat you well, maybe better than you ever could have dreamed of.

    xxoo



  268.  #268ulii on February 24, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Memulo, I believe it’s a judgement you make in your head, for me it’s not at all compromising your dignity.



  269.  #269ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    Maybe she feels it was dignity compromising because she is feeling bad for not getting the response she truly hoped for? Is that possible ?



  270.  #270Dominique on February 24, 2013 at 5:39 pm

    Memulo – SO what to all of it. So what you’re pining. So what you called. So what his voicemail was full though assuming anything around this SO does not serve you. So what he might recognize your number.

    You did what you felt compelled to do, and it’s ALL good. Maybe not what I would have suggested, yet it is what it is, and truly it’s ALL good.

    So please try now to stop tearing yourself to pieces over this.

    In the grand scheme of live and love, it’s a blip.

    Now please go and try to do something which feels good to you, anything. The Oscars are on. Must be some gorgeous dresses to drool over.

    xxoo



  271.  #271ArabianLove on February 24, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    I love Dominique’s comment !



  272.  #272ulii on February 24, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    🙂 Love it also, yay Dominique! 🙂



  273.  #273Luzydel on February 24, 2013 at 5:54 pm

    All I know and what I’ve learned with the help of the tools and this blog, is that men with good intentions do not disappear. Yes they may back up a little and take some space to breath, but they do not disappear.

    I see a man who disappear as disrespectful and inconsiderate. He may have the right to do whatever he wants, but I do not want him in my life if he doesn’t have the decency to tell me upfront. Men who disappear are childish… Unless I am a psycho, crazy, fatal attraction type of woman, I don’t see why a mature grown man would disappear…



  274.  #274Tam on February 24, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Hm. So I had a bust up with Curly.
    We had a nice day but he was already frustrated due to money problems and not being able to take me to a place he had wanted to go to.
    No problem for me. We went elsewhere.
    Then a girl in a bikini walks past, she was only averagely attractive but very made up and approached three guys (married) on the table next to us. She was actually a hooker.
    She looked very gaunt and not very womanly.
    All of a sudden Curly pipes up to encourage the married men to take a chance and ‘go with the flow’ since the wives are in New York.
    I felt very icky hearing that and they kind of ignored him and smiled lamely. I said that this was making me feel weird and he said ‘aaah it was only a joke, look how hot that girl is and those married guys haven’t got a clue what to do with her’.
    Uhmm. Ok.
    In the same moment he was getting text messaged from a woman whom in the space of two weeks he seems to have become closest friends…he helped her move, she gave him furniture, stayed in his house, he was thinking of finding her a job and so on. Meanwhile he had promised to help me fix stuff in my place and never did it.
    So I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable.
    It all culminated in some ways with him saying once again that although I am a ‘plain Jane’, he would of course rather be with me than with some over made up woman. But that given half a chance he would like to dress me.
    This is my biggest trigger, because I do believe that I dress very sexy…but not like a hooker, no. Neither do I want to. I was wearing a very tight halterneck summer dress today. Anything but plain Jane.
    So I asked him to please never again call me that, and I also said that I did actually like the way I dress..and we got into an argument with him saying I could show more flesh.
    Haha. I already wear short skirts and tiny shorts…I assume he would like to see me go out naked? In a bikini?
    No idea.
    I said that if he thought I was too plain for him he could go ahead and find someone else, not my problem. Then he freaked and said I ruin the day with my insecurities and bla bla bla..wow. he showed a real temper and even hit the dashboard and said ‘don’t be such a bitch’.
    Well, that was my cue to check out.
    I said if I had the chance to be with someone who called me a bitch or stay alone for the rest of my life, he knows which one I would choose.
    Pah.
    I know he was more upset about not being able to take me to the event, but that is no excuse.
    He was asking me, as he was dropping me off whether ‘this was it’ and I just thanked him for driving me home and left the car.
    He can apologize, if not he doesn’t need to be in y life. I am really not all that tolerant of abusive language. Even if it is said in the heat of the moment.
    My men don’t talk to me like that.



  275.  #275Tam on February 24, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Hm. So I had a bust up with Curly.
    We had a nice day but he was already frustrated due to money problems and not being able to take me to a place he had wanted to go to.
    No problem for me. We went elsewhere.
    Then a girl in a bikini walks past, she was only averagely attractive but very made up and approached three guys (married) on the table next to us. She was actually a professional h**ker offering her services.
    She looked very gaunt and not very womanly.
    All of a sudden Curly pipes up to encourage the married men to take a chance and ‘go with the flow’ since the wives are in New York.
    I felt very icky hearing that and they kind of ignored him and smiled lamely. I said that this was making me feel weird and he said ‘aaah it was only a joke, look how hot that girl is and those married guys haven’t got a clue what to do with her’.
    Uhmm. Ok.
    In the same moment he was getting text messaged from a woman whom in the space of two weeks he seems to have become closest friends…he helped her move, she gave him furniture, stayed in his house, he was thinking of finding her a job and so on. Meanwhile he had promised to help me fix stuff in my place and never did it.
    So I was feeling increasingly uncomfortable.
    It all culminated in some ways with him saying once again that although I am a ‘plain Jane’, he would of course rather be with me than with some over made up woman. But that given half a chance he would like to dress me differently.
    This is my biggest trigger, because I do believe that I dress very sexy…but not like a h**ker, no. Neither do I want to. I was wearing a very tight halterneck summer dress today. Anything but plain Jane.
    So I asked him to please never again call me that, and I also said that I did actually like the way I dress..and we got into an argument with him saying I could show more flesh.
    Haha. I already wear short skirts and tiny shorts…I assume he would like to see me go out n*ked? In a bikini?
    No idea.
    I said that if he thought I was too plain for him he could go ahead and find someone else, not my problem. Then he freaked and said I ruin the day with my insecurities and bla bla bla..wow. he showed a real temper and even hit the dashboard and said ‘don’t be such a b*tch’.
    Well, that was my cue to check out.
    I said if I had the chance to be with someone who called me a b*tch or stay alone for the rest of my life, he knows which one I would choose.
    Pah.
    I know he was more upset about not being able to take me to the event, but that is no excuse.
    He was asking me, as he was dropping me off whether ‘this was it’ and I just thanked him for driving me home and left the car.
    He can apologize, if not he doesn’t need to be in y life. I am really not all that tolerant of abusive language. Even if it is said in the heat of the moment.
    My men don’t talk to me like that.



  276.  #276Dominique on February 24, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    Tam – Wow, so sorry. I guess the true colors have been shown. Love to you sweetheart.

    xxoo



  277.  #277Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Yes Luzydel and I came back for more;)

    Thank you Dominique.



  278.  #278Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    (((Tam))))

    I saw dignity compromising because I came back despite all the hurt I went thru, like they can do anything to me and I will be back.



  279.  #279k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Luzydel:”men with good intentions do not disappear. Yes they may back up a little and take some space to breath, but they do not disappear.

    I see a man who disappear as disrespectful and inconsiderate. He may have the right to do whatever he wants, but I do not want him in my life if he doesn’t have the decency to tell me upfront. Men who disappear are childish… Unless I am a psycho, crazy, fatal attraction type of woman, I don’t see why a mature grown man would disappear…”. Excellent post Luzydel. I agree with you 100 percent. Disrespectful and inconsiderate indeed I tell u Luzydel and childish. Trust me I tell u. U know as we are on the subject of disappearance, it flash crossed my mind that if I was ever to run into disappearing ex, I would just step past him, without a word. I would totally ignore him. There will be a batch reunion of my year at one of the high chools I went to. If he was to come especially like how its the summer, he might just visit our country, I would TOTALLY ignore him. Everybodys recovery process is different. My sisters boyfriend who was here with my sister and I when disappearing ex disappeared was most upset. We had just introduced him (my sisters boyfriend) to disappearing ex just the day before and when he heard he disappeared, he was totally shocked. I lost count of the number of times my sister told me he asked if I heard from disappearing ex.



  280.  #280ulii on February 24, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    @ 274 Tam

    OMG this is rude! Iḿ so sorry to hear that.

    “He can apologize, if not he doesn’t need to be in y life. I am really not all that tolerant of abusive language. Even if it is said in the heat of the moment.
    My men don’t talk to me like that.”

    I’d feel he same. Abusive language in any form… I only give one chance to that man to apologize in case he has been used to talk that way in his previous life and has no clue & it indeed was a heated moment…but there’s only one warning, then I’m out of there.

    And from what I’ve seen you always look very sexy & classy.

    ((((((Tam))))))



  281.  #281Tam on February 24, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Thanks Dominique, well it’s kind of strange because the whole time I did have the feeling that he was taking something out on me that had nothing to do with me, like the frustration of not being able to take me to the event we had planned to go because it was just too expensive.
    And he has been very sweet to me until this thing happened…but the stuff with this h**ker was quite upsetting, especially since there was such a clear difference in the three guys from New York as compared to the guys down here…likt they were really not all that interested in the bikini woman, whereas Curly seemed to be? Very odd…
    And I get terribly triggered by his suggestions I should dress differently…I mean, he is 24 years older than me also. And he would rather see me in teenagers clothes, or ‘too short’ stuff? I don’t know what the deal is with that, frankly.
    He knows who I am and I don’t consider myself as a fixer-upper….it’s intriguing me.
    He keeps saying how he doesn’t want a high maintenance, highly made up woman. Yet he wouold like to turn me into one? uhmmm….I don’t get that.
    Whatever.
    It’s the south Florida disease to a certain extent, I hear it all the time…but this girl ain’t changing and putting on a show of her private parts. No thanks 😉



  282.  #282Tam on February 24, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Thank you Ulii, totally agree with what you write there and thanks for the compliment 🙂
    I can say the same about you…from what I have seen on photos 🙂



  283.  #283k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Tam I am so sorry to hear that. The man is rude. He should apologize yes. Yes Uliii, indeed.”there’s only one warning, then I’m out of there.” On second thoughts, I don’t think I could get past a man who call me that word. I think I would drop him instantly. That is abuse and it MIGHT HAPPEN AGAIN. Some of these men can be disrespectful eh! My goodness. I have zero tolerance for disrespectful men. We are the prize ladies. Kick him to the curb. No wonder we have to circular date and weed out the disgusting one.



  284.  #284k2012 on February 24, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    The disgusting ones. I am watching a show in which the woman propose to the man. Omg! Lol.



  285.  #285Pe on February 24, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    Tam,

    Men unconsciously test us all the time just to see how far they can go with us, it’s a “man thang”. They even through phrases like : ” maybe some day we can buy a house together…” i mean a guy who doesn’t even consider you has his girlfriend is hoping that some day you guys can buy a house together…don’t make me laugh, that’s when you show them that they still got work to do before u even consider something like that, u won’t fall for those sweet words when his actions doesn’t match them “well, we’ll have to see where it goes. If this works out, maybe yes, someday we can do that. that would be nice” same thing when out of the blues he says something rude or does something disrespectful, u immediately show them you ain’t having any of that. Even when you are in committed relationship or married and they really love you, you will still have to deal with these “tests” from time to time, you have to continually show them that even when you love/like them and 6 years as passed your boundaries are ALWAYS the same, it hasn’t magically disappear.



  286.  #286Tam on February 24, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    k2012 and Pe, thank you!!
    Yes, yes and yes.
    He was blowing off steam and testing how far he could go. And went too far. And he knew it.
    In fact, he drove back home like a maniac and I was just looking out of the window thinking how silly men are. I mean, we are slaves to our hormones, but boy they are also. All the testosterone in that truck…I nearly felt faint from it, and he blew up a wheel also. It was pretty funny but I had to bite my lip…a couple of times I came pretty close to laughing out loud.
    Strangely, I was not really upset, just felt like he needs to learn that whatever he has done before with whatever women, and what he is used to – does not apply to me. Perhaps others dress a certain way, maybe they fire back with abusive words in the heat of the moment…but I am me. And I don’t do that.
    He knows exactly what he has on his hands. He told me just before, that he has never been with anyone remotely like me and that I am the best and most classy woman he ever had. Well then.
    I would be surprised if he wouldn’t be back with his tail between his legs..but even if he isn’t, that’s fine also.
    I am not being called names, I am not being compared to h**kers as in them being more attractive than me (that is also not something ‘my’ man would do), and also, I am not being called a plain Jane. That’s the bottom line.
    Men come and go, self respect remains.



  287.  #287ulii on February 24, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    @ Pe

    “you have to continually show them that even when you love/like them and 6 years as passed your boundaries are ALWAYS the same, it hasn’t magically disappear.”

    I LOVE THIS! 🙂



  288.  #288Pe on February 24, 2013 at 7:09 pm

    If a man is rude by nature yeah run like Forrest Gump and never stop. But if he’s being rude because he feels stressed, he is afraid, angry, is under pressure, feels attacked or is being defensive, hurt, trying to get a reaction out of you, you deal with it like Rori as showed us and you move on if they don’t apologize, feel like they had the right to act like that and just doesn’t and won’t want to respect your boundaries. And i’m not saying it’s acceptable at all !don’t get me wrong, i’m saying that they are humans and dealing with humans can be challenging depending on the person you are dealing with, i mean my family have said some pretty crude and rude things to me even though they love me and vice versa.



  289.  #289Pe on February 24, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    Ulli,

    🙂



  290.  #290ulii on February 24, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    @ 281 Tam

    🙂 Thank you!

    “I am not being called names, I am not being compared to h**kers as in them being more attractive than me (that is also not something ‘my’ man would do), and also, I am not being called a plain Jane. That’s the bottom line.
    Men come and go, self respect remains.”

    Yes to that! 🙂



  291.  #291ulii on February 24, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    Ok… I’m off to sleep. This has been an emotional day for me & I need some rest. 🙂
    Hugs to all of you beautiful Sirens!

    ((((((((((((((sirens)))))))))))))))))



  292.  #292Tam on February 24, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    Thanks Ulii!!

    And Pe, I totally agree. Curly has pulled some howlers on me before, once or twice. He has been quick to admit fault, apologize and make up also. He is a VERY masculine man and when he feels attacked or has his integrity questioned, he gets into a rant and that is the end of it. Temper. A lot of men are hard-headed like this. He was stressed today, so I would forgive him if he did apologize.

    But he is just a CD to me, I don’t consider myself in a relationship. He does somehow. And I also feel that some of his frustration stems from that. Not my problem. My problem is how I feel with him and he knows that….if I feel good he stays, if not he goes.
    It sounds a bit ruthless, but I just don’t want to get hung up on someone who is unlikely to make a good partner in the long term. I just wasted 2 1/2 years on someone like that, and life is too short.



  293.  #293Heart on February 24, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    Tam – I feel icky hearing about the story with Bikini-lady.

    Also it’s weird that Curly has no many female friends.
    Why doesn’t he take u places?
    Gosh Tam….What are his good points?
    Seems like he talks a lot about caring for you but doesn’t take your wants into Consideration….
    and seriously Tam….what are u doing with this Grandpa anyway?

    Next!



  294.  #294Olivia on February 24, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    Missing my ex-bf so hard.

    Worrying the current bf will never measure up.

    Or maybe I’ll never let him.



  295.  #295Memulo on February 24, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Thank you sirens.

    I listened to old voicemails that I still have where he asks in each to call him back and says that he misses me. Somehow that made me feel better;) it was so shocking to hear his voice today. he didn’t get to hear mine and I don’t think he will recognize my number, after all this time he is not expecting it.



  296.  #296Vi on February 24, 2013 at 11:32 pm

    I feel glad MH surgery went well. I feel relieved.
    I feel glad we have friends who helped us. I feel blessed and connected. To be surrounded with these people makes me feel very good about myself.
    I feel thankful to myself that instead of being nag-gy at MH, I chose to lay on the couch, breath in and breath out, put my hand on my chest and asked myself what I felt there. I felt a tear rolling down my cheek. I felt grief. And then I felt cozy and warm. And good.
    I feel thankful to the Universe I’ve made new friends! I feel happy and good about myself.
    I feel thankful for MH present and his help in the kitchen. It feels pleasant and fun.



  297.  #297Cambio on February 24, 2013 at 11:38 pm

    Long time lurker, first time posting. Trying to sort something out here.

    I’m CD’ing with three men right now with two being mostly casual and one being something with potential. The one with potential is so because he is smart, attentive, giving, has strong masculine energy and adores me. We have a great connection since date one and laughter and conversation are never in short supply.

    He is commitment-minded but the question I am stuck with is whether or not I want marriage and that level of commitment at this point. I’m recently divorced and not really sure that I want to be married again. My end goal (for now at least) may actually BE to be a girlfriend and perhaps us move in together.

    I’m not ready for that yet either. We have a few trips planned together coming up and I want to see how those feel before making any kind of move in that direction.

    What do you do if marriage is NOT your (current) commitment goal? The no GF speech seems superfluous since I don’t want to be married right now and what I do want is more of a girlfriend situation.

    He’s a good man who does lots of little things for me and just basks in and soaks up the rays of my femininity. He lets me just breathe and feel safe. I notice he withdraws just a little if I give too much or overfunction and when I just let him give like he wants to, I just melt into him and he just embraces that. It just works and I feel so safe, he tells me he’s very happy and it just kind of works. Attentive, responsible, loving, polite, funny, attractive, my friends think he is amazing, he cooks, he cleans and he treats me like a goddess without me putting much work into it. Why wouldn’t I want to marry a man like that? I probably would… someday.

    But I ended up in a marriage with a man who I’d known 20 years, who was my best friend and who changed from light grey to solid black in terms of mood and temperament when we married. Suddenly I was no longer someone he loved, I was his family and in his family they are all quite cruel to each other. I got out of that marriage as fast as I could but it wasn’t before I got a little shell shocked. Those are honest feelings of trauma I have and I am just not ready yet. I want to enjoy THIS for a while and not be a wife again until I know I can trust myself like I used to.

    I’m doing things differently this time in so many ways but yet I don’t want to be a wife right now so CD’ing until I have that commitment is counter-intuitive to what *I* want. Right now at least. I retain my right to change what I want later and see how that feels then.

    So, any suggestions on slight modifications to approaching things with this man under these circumstances?



  298.  #298Heart on February 25, 2013 at 2:40 am

    Well I was on FB today & I saw a message Manboy posted to someone and I remembered him & felt turned off…
    How did I ever like him? Eeek. He’s a nice guy & funny but still….and I used to miss him and get triggered by his FB activoy …..I barely ever think about him now.

    Wow…There is hope for yet…I’ve been transfering this hung upness for years…I really want something real…something goo. So CudG is poofing kinda…or lost interest or whatever…I keeping him on my horse and focusing on myself…
    I don’t want to talk about him on here anymore…It’s starting~o feel like an Imaginary Relationship now…



  299.  #299Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 2:50 am

    Gosh Tam :/

    (((Tam)))



  300.  #300Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 2:52 am

    I feel strong today.



  301.  #301Kath on February 25, 2013 at 3:16 am

    Hey Sirens,

    Thanks Rori, as ever you must be inside my mind to have posted this when you did!- I am feeling very dark about myself and about my relationship of nearly two years now. Its what he’s done recently that has made me unnerved and yes, concerned about what he really feels for me. Even though I have been able to communicate my feelings, he has not understood and has done a very clever thing to turning it round so it becomes all about him and then he blows my mind by accusing me of twisting things!- I feel at a loss as to how to get past this or make things better.
    The first thing happened before Xmas when we were due to go to a party and his X (wife of 25yrs) was there. I wondered how she knew knew about it and did a bad thing, I looked at his mobile phone and discovered he’d sent her a text telling her about it and hoping to see her there. I didn’t confess to checking his phone but have felt compelled to do it quite regularly since. The second thing was that he has denied being in contact with another X (he calls her psycho!) when I have seen the text he sent her and her response for him to call her and the call log that he did!- The third thing is his Sister’s 50th and another X (but also a good female friend of his) wanted to travel up with us. I can’t stand this woman-not because she’s an x but because of the type of person she is. It seems that his loyalty to her is that she was there to help him (get drunk!) when his marriage broke up but is incapable of seeing what a parasite she really is. The psycho was also supposed to be at the party and he asked me for reassurance. I asked him for what, and he said because he knew I didn’t like the fact that he was still in contact with an x and felt uncomfortable about being in the car with us. When I asked him why he would feel uncomfortable, he couldn’t explain, said he didn’t know and got quite defensive and angry. The journey happened, the party took place, psycho didn’t appear but I am now left feeling very unhappy and upset by this apparent chain of events. Its making me feel like I used to and I thought I’d come a long way since then-please help!!



  302.  #302k2012 on February 25, 2013 at 3:24 am

    Tam 296:”I just don’t want to get hung up on someone who is unlikely to make a good partner in the long term.” U are vquite right. I agree with u totally.



  303.  #303Sirenity on February 25, 2013 at 3:53 am

    Kath 299 , He has perhaps been dishonest to you and you likewise to him. I would be inclined to confess to looking at his phone that first time because you felt something was off and apologising for your dishonesty. You might then add that what you found there felt alarming to read and that you have felt worse since then and checked his phone several times and that there were some inconsistencies which are fuelling your insecurity. Nonetheless you know that checking up on him is inexcusable .

    I would then apologise sincerely for checking up on him, wait for his anger to subside (and hopefully hear his apology from him) then ask for a mutual open phone and internet policy, exchange of passwords etc. I would not be seeking reasons or explanations from him.I would ask him to help you put aside all the questions in your head.

    I would not engage in calling any other woman names like “psycho” and I would tell him it feels bad to hear name calling and you dont want to run other women down and hearing her name would feel respectful, what does he think?

    Others might have different opinions on this but i am of the “fess it up” camp here and ask for a fresh start.



  304.  #304Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 4:08 am

    I feel terrible this morning



  305.  #305Tam on February 25, 2013 at 4:13 am

    (((Memulo)))



  306.  #306Tam on February 25, 2013 at 4:15 am

    I am not feeling too great either.
    But, I am feeling defiant that it is sometimes normal to feel bad after we have stated what we don’t want and made an exit. It leaves a little void but it’s a good void.
    Life goes on!
    And it better go on with self-love and self-respect no matter how bad it feels in a moment, it will be ok!



  307.  #307Tam on February 25, 2013 at 4:18 am

    293 Heart lol…your post made me laugh this morning.



  308.  #308Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 4:21 am

    Terrible as in phyusical?



  309.  #309Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 4:28 am

    No FW, humiliated about my call



  310.  #310Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 4:29 am

    Yes Tam, much better with self-respect



  311.  #311k2012 on February 25, 2013 at 4:31 am

    I got a surprise a while ago from Overseas cd who wrote me a while ago that he was out of it last week as he was mourning his best friends death. He is still in mourning he says but he feels a little better now. I had forgotten about him for a little while. I saw that he posted a birthday message to one of our school mates some hours ago this morning but I decided that I wasn’t going to initiate contact. He messaged me about 20 mins ago. This morning I was just thinking of the other 2 men who I deleted from facebook-disappearing ex and the guy before that who I was interacting with. I decided that although overseas cd stopped writing, I wouldn’t delete him. I am waiting a while to respond to overseas cd. Don’t want to seem too anxious. I will be friendly, my usual self. I was speaking yesterday about how he stopped writing and said that although he told me he wanted a serious relationship, from the mere fact he doesn’t want to call, I cannot view him as a potential candidate for a relationship. As I said before all the same I have put him in the friend zone. I am going to have a bite to eat and respond to him. What are your thoughts on this? Dominique, and other ladies, I welcome your thoughts.



  312.  #312Heart on February 25, 2013 at 4:52 am

    I feel playful..
    &
    bouncey…



  313.  #313Heart on February 25, 2013 at 5:20 am

    Tam – The thing is CudG was kinda like my Curly in a way…
    and now Look at me…I got hung up on him…
    So be careful about your substitute….you’re detached now…but the more time u spend with him…the more attached you’ll get…



  314.  #314Tam on February 25, 2013 at 5:27 am

    Heart, yea, true.
    Thing is the ONE good thing about him was that he was always on ‘standby’ and always available and wanted to see me. He was working on my timetable..he he. I liked that 🙂
    whatever.
    I never felt the urge to chase him or contact him really. I feel quite neutral about the guy, hence I am not feeling the need to ‘work things out’.
    Before he dropped me off yesterday, he mentioned something, like ‘is this is?’ or ‘can we work this out’…something along those lines. I just said ‘thanks’ and collected my stuff.
    No. I don’t want to work anything out.
    He can work out how to fix this and if he doesn’t, it really makes no difference to me. I will just be a bit more bored and lonely, but certainly not heartbroken, not at all. My heart was never in this.



  315.  #315Tam on February 25, 2013 at 5:28 am

    …still hung up on someone else, ha! I don’t think it’s possible for me to get hung up on two guys at the same time. At least this 🙂



  316.  #316Dominique on February 25, 2013 at 5:31 am

    k2012 – 309 – I think you already have it all well figured out, so yay you.

    xxoo



  317.  #317Heart on February 25, 2013 at 5:33 am

    K2012 – Awwwr…(((hugs)))
    I really think you should start dating in real life….
    You’re obsessed with your own imagination (I’ve been there!….we all have…)
    Babystep your way out of this hole….Go flirt with someone.
    OverseasCd is not in the friendzone…if he was you wouldn’t be asking about him so much..
    Get in touch with your own feelings and motivations…
    I’m going to run a hot bath & have a sensual meditation…
    I want to calm my mind…

    I think I obsess so much about nothing because I like having the focus off of Me.
    When the focus is on Me…I realize I’m standing naked in the middle of nowhere
    with starlight and my own heartbeat…
    and I feel scared and headachy
    and uncomfortable with all the clarity…
    Fixating on a man..prevents me from dealing with myself…
    and I’ve found out Today that the last thing I want to do
    is focus on me…



  318.  #318Heart on February 25, 2013 at 5:38 am

    Tam – I know it’s really not my place…and I probably shouldnt be saying this but
    I’m starting to really Dislike Curly for you…
    he’s coming across as Abusive…and potentially Unfaithful…ick



  319.  #319Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 5:41 am

    Memulo I encourage you to start a practice to evict such emotions out of your body



  320.  #320Heart on February 25, 2013 at 5:48 am

    Humiliation the first step towards Get-Get-Getting over it

    At least Memulo, you’re no longer obsessing over whether to call him or not…
    Remember you can’t do the wrong thing with the right man..



  321.  #321Tam on February 25, 2013 at 5:52 am

    317 Heart…uhmm…he is just a talker. And he hasn’t done himself any favours. I reason that if he was a good player, he wouldn’t put his foot in his mouth the whole time.
    BUT I am fed up also. I am fed up of women texting him, him developing emotional relationships with other women even when he wants to be my boyfriend. Fed up of him helping damsels in distress while he could be helping me with my place (how selfish of me).
    I am fed up of him delivering what feels like little put downs, the dressing thing and also another thing he keeps saying. He is implying that nobody (none of his male friends) saw what he sees…in the ‘plain Jane’. OMG. In reality, they all (3) tried to date me, even the one of the three who has a girlfriend.
    And he knows it.
    His best friend tried for a while, and I BLEW HIM OFF.
    Curly says that his best friend is looking for the perfect looking woman and implies that he rejected me – I guess because I am not that woman. What a laugh. Again, I blew the guy off…
    Oh and now he has found this absolutely gorgeous woman apparently….uhmmm. Ok. I am happy for him!! I don’t know what Curly is trying to say..that I am not good enough for a guy I blew off? Uhmmmm…too funny.
    At first I was laughing this kinda stuff off. Because it is quite stupid, especially now that it has been repeated so many times.
    And now I am wondering….whether he needs to deliver these subtle put-downs subconsciously because he is well aware of the fact that he is
    – 24 years older than me
    – financially a disaster
    and that perhaps he feels a little inferior and needs to blow himself up? And he achieves that by making me less desirable/valuable in his and my eyes? I dunno. He also praises me a lot too. It’s a little schizo, frankly.
    I don’t think he does this deliberately…but I am really fed up of hearing these things…as if I am some kind of little rat who was waiting for a guy to pick me up and all his friends passed…which is SO NOT what happened…in fact, one of his friends is still working on me right now!
    Hahaha.



  322.  #322Tam on February 25, 2013 at 5:57 am

    For some reason I feel better now, I think it was Heart’s comment about focusing on oneself often being more painful than focusing on a man.
    That kind of resonated with me.
    Hence I am going to focus on myself today in a big way. once I am done with my work tasks, I shall take myself to the beach for lunch and tonight for a looooooooong walk.
    It is beautiful weather here and I am going to make the very most of it as I may not be here long.
    Live for today, Tam.
    Men come and go…. 🙂



  323.  #323Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Date with exoticCD was awesome …more to come…. I’m feeling butterflies and dreamy! He missed me last night and he is a very very good kisser! I was melting! As usual I brought all u sirens with me in spirit so I was using the tools and wow they are powerful 🙂 🙂



  324.  #324Tam on February 25, 2013 at 6:08 am

    Emersooooonnnnn!! wuhoo!



  325.  #325Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 6:09 am

    He kissed me not missed me lol



  326.  #326Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 6:10 am

    Hi tam <3



  327.  #327Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 6:11 am

    Emoticon I love your business ideas and your ambition is inspiring !!



  328.  #328Heart on February 25, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Tam – yup I believe he is insecure about his age..I mean the stuff he is saying is just tacky & rude…He Sounds Delusional
    You’re 24 years younger than him…Every guy knows he is LUCKY to be with someone so much younger than him!



  329.  #329k2012 on February 25, 2013 at 6:32 am

    “You’re obsessed with your own imagination.”. Heart, I laughed when I saw this. Omg. Thanks for the hugs and your comments. Thanks too Dominique. “OverseasCd is not in the friendzone…if he was you wouldn’t be asking about him so much..”. Wow, my goodness. U serious, Heart. Ok. I just realize what u are saying. In other words, then if I really viewed him as a friend, I wouldn’t be interested enough to be asking about him. I see. U know I want to start dating in real life. Still haven’t met anyone yet. I was supposed to go to the park by myself on Friday, but it wasn’t possible cause I had to go to the supermarket. Saturday, I was absolutely exhausted and slept for most of the day. Yesterday, I linked up with some cousins who were visiting from overseas for the funeral of one of our family member and afterwards I had to go home to cook as my parents were coming to visit. I am dying to meet someone face to face. This morning as I was at my desk, I said in my mind a short time ago that one day overseas cd is going to hear from me that I now have a boyfriend. Yep for real. He is going to hear that from me one day (that is if he doesn’t stop writing me totally before I find someone serious.)



  330.  #330Heart on February 25, 2013 at 6:32 am

    YAY EMERS!



  331.  #331Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 6:38 am

    Tam I am feeling turned off big time reading about Curly. I know I would not feel respected by the constant plain Jane comment. Knowing me I would tell him to go stuff that comment where the sun don’t shine.



  332.  #332Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 6:40 am

    K2012 it seems to me that the supermarket and the funeral were some excellent places to meet people who you could CD. I wonder if you have an unconscious block to where you could possibly meet people?



  333.  #333Heart on February 25, 2013 at 6:46 am

    K2012 – K2012 -(((hugs))) I have little revenge fantasies like that too…
    Chances are you’re probably feeling a little rejected & angry under the surface..

    How about a new Mantra K2012?
    How about at least trying to change your internal dialogue a lttle? That’s what I try to do…you know baby steps.

    How about instead of — I want overseascd to hear I have a boyfriend…
    to
    One day I’m going to have an awesome relationship.

    Little things make a big difference…I find..



  334.  #334k2012 on February 25, 2013 at 6:52 am

    “Unfortunately men are “cowards” when it comes to tell us that, so they disappear.” Yep. True true. Bigtime cowards. “stuff that comment where the sun don’t shine”. Feminine Woman, I am cracking up at this. Trust me. Those expressions are always used by our nationality, eh. Omg. Anyway curly is out of order though Tam. I didn’t like what he was doing encouraging the married guys to hook up with the lady. Tam that is disrespectful to u. Seems like he is a player. Good thing u are cding Tam.



  335.  #335Heart on February 25, 2013 at 6:52 am

    Well Blog – I’ve been noticing how anxious I am to get things done….Even writing responses on the blog I have this rushed energy…Little by little I am learning to slow things down…
    Wow so difficult…
    Also I’ve become aware of my breathing…
    Sometimes when I’m doing things I hold my breath…
    it’s like I forget to breathe and it contributes to my Rushed-get-it-done kind of feeling…



  336.  #336Heart on February 25, 2013 at 6:56 am

    FW – the funeral? *raises eyebrow*



  337.  #337Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 6:59 am

    Heart when I do meditation and focus on my heart area feeling feelings of gratitude, appreciation and love through visualizing past experiences I find myself sometimes riding on deep waves of emotions. It feels like floating on a river with the waves going through my physical. At times it feels scary because it feels so real and I find myself crying.



  338.  #338Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 7:03 am

    Funerals include a celebration of life where sometimes we have all night gatherings singing and eating. The people include large numbers of friends and family.



  339.  #339Heart on February 25, 2013 at 7:08 am

    #335 – Sounds very beautiful FW.



  340.  #340Heart on February 25, 2013 at 7:13 am

    FW – what meditation is this?



  341.  #341Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 7:15 am

    I do several Heart. I have been focussing on Arielle Ford’s Feelingization recently. I post it a couple of times earlier but I believe the site took it down now.



  342.  #342Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 7:22 am

    I am listening to Christy Whitman discussing law of allowing. In the case of the plain Jane comment I understand now that was an opportunity to create a boundary. She says look inside yourself and see if it felt like an “ouch” in your body. If so we teach the person how to treat us by saying something like “I love the way I dress” which creates a boundary for oneself. That communicates “this doesn’t feel right for me”.



  343.  #344Heart on February 25, 2013 at 7:41 am

    FW – Im trying it out now…



  344.  #345Heart on February 25, 2013 at 7:43 am

    Although…the last time I did your heart opening meditation…I felt horrible after…and really sad
    so im proceeding with caution here…



  345.  #346Heart on February 25, 2013 at 7:52 am

    I dont have a plugin for the video but I found some stuff on youtube…seems good…reminds me of Rori’s tools..



  346.  #347Tam on February 25, 2013 at 7:56 am

    330..FW, I love you. That is exactly what I am about to do…. 🙂
    ‘where the sun don’t shine’ – made me laugh so much. 🙂



  347.  #348Tam on February 25, 2013 at 7:58 am

    327 Heart, yes…of course he is lucky to be with me and he knows it…he is saying it the whole time.
    We both know he is lucky to be with me.
    So he ruins it by saying things that make me feel bad and texting with other women?
    His loss.. 😉



  348.  #349Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 8:17 am

    RE 343 that was a different one.



  349.  #350Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 8:19 am

    This is a version of the feelingization I have been doing

    http://vimeo.com/26893003



  350.  #351Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 8:25 am

    I hope so much my number won’t be recognized. But with my luck – to call, for him not to pick it up , no chance to leave a vm and never knowing if he saw it’s me or not – I should assume the worst;)



  351.  #352Tam on February 25, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Memulo, who cares. Forgive yourself and send love to you. He doesn’t matter, seeing your number doesn’t matter, just a little blip.
    Saddle up that horse and ride on:)



  352.  #353Heart on February 25, 2013 at 8:29 am

    Memulo – just call again in a few days *shrug



  353.  #354Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 8:34 am

    Heart what would be the value of her chasing him?



  354.  #355Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 8:36 am

    I was not obsessing over the phone call;) but till I have a strong opinion and hold to my own word I will get into these situations.



  355.  #356MovingMagic on February 25, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Femininewoman, I also say “where the sun don’t shine.” Haha. I’m from the southwest part of the states originally. It’s a very southern thing to say. Hehe. I love it!



  356.  #357Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Ooh Kath, I would find this very hard :/ (((Kath)))

    And yet I know guys who are in contact with several of their exes, and it is platonic and no cause for concern.

    Yet, if it were me, I think I’d need to have an honest discussion about it and get it out into the open. Ladies here are very good with helping you script what to say if you decide to go that route.



  357.  #358Shar Lean Way Back on February 25, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Jilly, From previous thread. I will let you know. Just this morning I took a situation that is feeling bad and decided to reframe it to how I want to feel and to it is working out for me, even if it doesn’t appear to be in the moment. 🙂



  358.  #359Heart on February 25, 2013 at 8:56 am

    Memulo – Everything you do is perfect…

    There are no mistakes on this blog 😉



  359.  #360Annie on February 25, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Here is me thinking how I am ok going out by myself and took the quickest and easiest option of going by train by myself to get to a dance. Was invited to share lift with two different sets of people would would have taken longer to get their and back and time wise would have felt more stressful.

    Fine going there.
    Coming back felt scary. Man came right up to me on the train kissed me going on about how beautiful I was asking me to meet him and go out with him. I felt calm on the inside but taken aback, The a group of men who were drinking were getting in passengers faces saying derogatory things to women felt really scary. One came right up to me in my face said@ what have we here then” Did my best to disconnect from him. Felt really awful and no staff around at station. Now feel unsure about late night train journeys on my own as feel sure if anyone had been attacked that nobody would have helped them. Truly awful, at one time i Know I and others would have challenged this behavior. Times have changed, I feel scared of groups of drunk men. Their behavior feels so unpredictable and coming from an unaware lack of consciousness. How horrible I don’t want to live in fear of doing late night train journeys alone, Feel peed off that I have no control over drunks behaving like this and it is not that easy to move away from people like that when on public transport. Feel quite shaken up about it.



  360.  #361Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I believe paying attention to what we produce when we take actions. Such as how the energy is affected when we call men. Also how we feel after we call and don’t get the outcome we were looking for. This teaches us about how our emotions work.



  361.  #362Heart on February 25, 2013 at 9:00 am

    Where the sun don’t Shine – NEW Tool by FeminineWoman, Tam & Moving Magic



  362.  #363Annie on February 25, 2013 at 9:01 am

    EEk I would feel really uncomfortable flirting at a funeral.



  363.  #364Heart on February 25, 2013 at 9:03 am

    I feel bad when I don’t get the outcome I hope for…I feel betrayed & panicked
    but
    I’m learning to flip these things and shift my thinking to new ways that make me feel good…



  364.  #365Heart on February 25, 2013 at 9:07 am

    It’s strange…I think I used to equate Feeling Bad with Being Strong.
    Like I needed to “accept reality” and feel Pain…
    I don’t feel that way anymore
    I’m much kinder to myself now



  365.  #366Annie on February 25, 2013 at 9:08 am

    “Tam. I didn’t like what he was doing encouraging the married guys to hook up with the lady.”

    That feels bad to me.
    What is the point of being married if wanting to do that.
    I don’t get it.
    Although I do know married men who say” well you only have one life so go for it. ”
    Feels icky to me Yuck!



  366.  #367Heart on February 25, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Annie – wow Sounds scary…I’m glad you’re ok..



  367.  #368Annie on February 25, 2013 at 9:17 am

    Ty Heart.



  368.  #369Annie on February 25, 2013 at 9:22 am

    I feel at a loss at how to protect myself in situations like that occured on Sat.

    I don’t go into a pub if a feel a bad vibe and volatile drunks about, bit different when I am already on a train though and someone comes into my space and have no real way of getting away from it. Felt a bit stuck, until it was time to get off train. Went and hid in the loo for a while until I thought they may have gone.



  369.  #370Annie on February 25, 2013 at 9:24 am

    I don’t really knowingly want to put myself in intentionally harmful situations.
    Grrrrrr, but do want to get out there and live a little.



  370.  #371Annie on February 25, 2013 at 9:25 am

    Doesn’t always feel easy to know what the best option is.



  371.  #372Heart on February 25, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Annie – just take the lift next time? It’s ok it takes alittle extra ttime…your peace of mind is worth it….



  372.  #373MovingMagic on February 25, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Annie, I live in Brooklyn Ny & spend alot of times on trains. I also enjoy going dancing by myself, which can mean late nights on trains by myself. I stay super aware of my environment. I won’t drink if I know I’m going to be traveling by myself. I don’t listen to music while commuting & I stay alert. I will often take an alternative route if I get a bad vibe & will change subway cars. I don’t spend alot of time thinking about how to protect myself, or worrying about these kinds of situations. Street smarts are healthy smarts though. I’m sorry to hear about your scary experiences. I can relate to that vulnerability. ((hugs))



  373.  #374Kath on February 25, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Hi Indigo (356)- Thanks, yes, it is hard- I so want us to be strong and good together but I do have a alarm bell ringing, even if I know there is nothing in it sexually for him anymore to keep in touch with these women, it concerns me that he feels nothing wrong in there being a friendship- it just feels wierd to me- almost as though he can’t bear to lose them. I really don’t know how to tackle this…



  374.  #375Iamabutterfly on February 25, 2013 at 9:47 am

    “You can’t dance around what you need to say to a man. You can’t pretend you don’t want what you want.

    Speaking the truth of what you feel and what you want is a totally different thing from “neediness” and “desperation.”

    In fact, the sheer bravery of speaking out loud what’s already in your thoughts and heart is testament to your courage and confidence and comfort within yourself.”

    I feel proud that I have done this.



  375.  #376Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 9:50 am

    But I wasn’t strong. I was strong for 5 months to not contact and yesterday I was weak and self-betraying. And erased all respect I may have gained over the past 5 months, including self-respect



  376.  #377Rori Raye on February 25, 2013 at 9:59 am

    Cambio, Welcome, and it seems to me you’re doing great and have things in quite a great perspective. From your letter, it doesn’t sound like he’s actually ASKED you to marry him yet, so how about you leave it for now, take it moment by moment, and just let it evolve – WHILE you tell the truth if asked at all times. And you share your concerns as you go along, truthfully, when you find yourself stuffing them down and withholding because of what you don’t want to say. Love, Rori



  377.  #378Dominique on February 25, 2013 at 10:15 am

    Memulo – Did you see my post to you from last night #270?

    xxoo



  378.  #379Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 10:23 am

    Thanks heart !!



  379.  #380Iamabutterfly on February 25, 2013 at 10:26 am

    A new guy introduced himself to me over the weekend. I saw him twice, and he remembered our entire conversation from the first time we met.

    The first time we met, he pretended like he already knew me. He put his arm around me and was like, “hey! It’s so good to see you again!” Then, he said, “Just kidding.” and introduced himself.

    It put me at ease immediately. We have a mutual friend that I really respect, so I felt safe. It made me smile.

    The second time I saw him, he put his arm around me again and said “Now, I can say it for real! Good to see you again.” and it made me smile and feel blushy.

    Admittedly, I am not wildly attracted to him, but he is cute and I do feel completely safe with him. That’s incredibly rare for me to feel with a stranger.

    There were no angry/suspicious feelings.

    He asked me a lot of questions about myself and kept making funny comments. He’s kind of dorky, but it’s cute. and he’s one year younger than me, so that felt good too.

    It felt nice to have a real, single, nice guy introduce himself.

    Who knows? Maybe he’ll shock the life out of me, rock my world, ask me on a date and become a REAL CD.



  380.  #381Iamabutterfly on February 25, 2013 at 10:32 am

    “I mean I seriously almost just want to blurt out horrible things to you, I feel like slapping you, shaking you, yelling at you…”

    I feel surprised that this is “okay” to say to a man. It won’t scare him off? Make him think you’re “crazy?” Such a trigger word for me…

    I would love to say that exact sentence to Jack CD…

    how would a man react to that?



  381.  #382Dominique on February 25, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Iamabutterfly – Instant wild attraction is not a good indicator of your potential “the one”. In fact it’s often quite the opposite.

    Safe on the other hand, now that’s sexy. Try to keep your mind and heart open here. You just don’t know until you try.

    Remember K was not at all my “type” when we started dating aside from his height. And I made the choice to give him a chance nonetheless. I feel very happy I did.

    xxoo



  382.  #383Iamabutterfly on February 25, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Thanks, Dominique. I feel “quietly excited” about this new guy. I feel almost certain that he won’t “hurt” me.



  383.  #384Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 10:55 am

    Thank you Dominique, I saw your post. I still feel this way though.



  384.  #385Dominique on February 25, 2013 at 11:06 am

    Okay Memulo, then I would ask you why would you want to hold onto this? This is only harming you, making you feel awful, keeping you in that spiral of gremlin voices.

    Is there a sense of comfort in this for you even though it feels bad? Sometimes we beat ourselves up in this way not because we think we deserve this somewhere deep inside (old programming) but because there is a feeling of aliveness in the drama.

    It can feel difficult raising out from this abyss of awfulness. Can you try telling yourself over and over, every other second if need be that you did NOTHING wrong or unusual? That you are perfect just the way you are even when you do or say silly things, even when you fret, feel anxious?

    Can you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how stunningly beautiful you are even if you don’t really believe it in that moment? And keep saying this until it feels at least a tiny bit real. Can you give yourself a kiss on the lips in the glass? Can you tell yourself how much you love yourself?

    If you say no to any of these questions, how about trying it anyway, challenge yourself.

    xxoo



  385.  #386Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Kath 374

    Are you able to talk to him about this?



  386.  #387Dominique on February 25, 2013 at 11:07 am

    Iamabutterfly – I like quietly excited. Quietly excited feels really good.

    xxoo



  387.  #388Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:11 am

    @ Tam

    “I am fed up of him delivering what feels like little put downs, the dressing thing and also another thing he keeps saying. He is implying that nobody (none of his male friends) saw what he sees…in the ‘plain Jane’. OMG. In reality, they all (3) tried to date me, even the one of the three who has a girlfriend.
    And he knows it.”

    Hey, it sounds exactly what PhotoCD was (and still is) doing to me. I friend-zoned him months ago, so he got a bit angry at the beginning, then later said he’s ok with being only friends. So we see eachother occasionally. But I´m thinking of stopping it as every time we meet he’s telling comments lthat feel like put-downs for me. Like that his friends told him about me – I’m not that beautiful – (to be a model for his photos as I was) and how he had to argue with them, because he (but seems only him) does think I am beautiful. And how all the other men I meet (also on dating sites) are only there and only want to see me for sex etc. And how he managed to seduce me (what? I only let him kiss me few times months back!)..and how he knows to use his charm when he wants… I just feel yucky with these comments.

    I feel this kind of subtle putting down (working on lowering my self esteem)..really even more dangerous than a direct angry attack like calling me bitch or something, which is easier to recognize & fight back.



  388.  #389Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I feel good about a relatively small thing today – when I said hello to D and how were things going, he said he was terribly busy, had been in meetings all day and then had to complete tax returns by the end of the day so he wasn’t able to talk. So I left it and went about my work, and 15 minutes later or so he sent me a message “are you ok?” and I said yes, I was good thanks, and he said good.

    I don’t know why this tiny act of concern meant so much to me, but it did. It made me feel soft and warm.



  389.  #390Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:16 am

    @ Annie

    (((Annie)))

    Ah…that situation feels scary! Specially in closed environments where theres nowhere to escape. Good you are safe now!

    I’d want to maybe have a little pepper-gas with me if I go around there late at night.

    I do recall being in similar situation (and also made a lot of travle by hitch-hiking), …and also seen some drunken men get especially angry if they were ignored. So usually, if somebody in this kind of situation speaks to me, I feel it safer to answer to the words. I feel actually that looking to them and continuing serious & calm (as much as posisble) will reduce the danger for me more than disengaging. But it´s just me.



  390.  #391Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:18 am

    @ Emerson

    Yay about your date!! 🙂



  391.  #392Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:26 am

    @ 380 Iamabutterfly

    Aww… this feels so sweet to read. I like a lot when a guy has a funny yet ingenious way of getting acquainted to you and this feels that way.

    I also like Dominique’s response to you.

    Wait and see, I believe feeling safe with a man can be really sexy too. I feel a man gets more attractive to me dependidng on how vulnerable I can feel with him.

    Waiting to hear more about this guy in the future! 🙂



  392.  #393Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:27 am

    Oh…my comment to Tam got into moderation…I suppose it’s because I used the B-word without thinking. 🙁



  393.  #394Tam on February 25, 2013 at 11:28 am

    392 Ulii..awwww..it happened to me too 🙁



  394.  #395Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:30 am

    @ 389 Indigo

    This feels really warm from him. I’d feel cared for with such a little thing too.



  395.  #396Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:32 am

    @ Heart
    “When the focus is on Me…I realize I’m standing naked in the middle of nowhere
    with starlight and my own heartbeat…
    and I feel scared and headachy
    and uncomfortable with all the clarity…”

    I feel similar often. But you expressed this really beautifully here… Like a poem.



  396.  #397Ulii on February 25, 2013 at 11:34 am

    @ Tam (trying again without typing out the B -word) 🙂

    “I am fed up of him delivering what feels like little put downs, the dressing thing and also another thing he keeps saying. He is implying that nobody (none of his male friends) saw what he sees…in the ‘plain Jane’. OMG. In reality, they all (3) tried to date me, even the one of the three who has a girlfriend.
    And he knows it.”

    Hey, it sounds exactly what PhotoCD was (and still is) doing to me. I friend-zoned him months ago, so he got a bit angry at the beginning, then later said he’s ok with being only friends. So we see eachother occasionally. But I´m thinking of stopping it as every time we meet he’s telling comments lthat feel like put-downs for me. Like that his friends told him about me – I’m not that beautiful – (to be a model for his photos as I was) and how he had to argue with them, because he (but seems only him) does think I am beautiful. And how all the other men I meet (also on dating sites) are only there and only want to see me for sex etc. And how he managed to seduce me (what? I only let him kiss me few times months back!)..and how he knows to use his charm when he wants… I just feel yucky with these comments.

    I feel this kind of subtle putting down (working on lowering my self esteem)..really even more dangerous than a direct angry attack like calling me bxtch or something, which is easier to recognize & fight back.



  397.  #398Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 11:37 am

    Thanks Ulii 🙂

    I think what was cool about it was that it was a bit of an “apology” in the sense that Dominique talks about guys’ apologies, where they do little things although not actually saying the words. He was in a bit of a mood when I got to his house last night, but then caught himself at some point and started to backtrack and then did *little* caring things like a lingering kiss or a compliment.

    I found myself thinking how silly men are 😉



  398.  #399Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 11:41 am

    It was actually a bit of a thunderous mood, and I think he felt very bad. He actually did apologise, and it was interesting to see the small caring gestures come out.



  399.  #400Kath on February 25, 2013 at 11:54 am

    Hey Indigo, (386)
    Thanks- yes- I have written down how I feel but will verbalise something when I see him again tomorrow. You talk about how men apologise without saying the words!- ha!- yes, I can relate to that!- He apologised for me feeling that he was not understanding me, but I had to tell him first that’s how I felt!- On the other side of the coin, he said he felt uncomfortable being in the same car with me and his female friend. When I asked him why, he couldn’t tell me!- I love him and I know he loves me but I guess I am highlightings things now that he didn’t forsee happening- he seems to forget that not everyone sees things the way he does and doesn’t understand why they should see things any differently!



  400.  #401Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Until he makes an actual VERBAL commitment to you and says “We are a couple,” you are single.

    (And, as much as it hurts, so is he.)

    That means you should keep going out with other guys, should protect yourself both emotionally and physically (if he’s sleeping with you and you haven’t had the monogamy talk he may well be sleeping with other women as well. And that doesn’t necessarily make him a player or a douchebag. It just makes him single. Like you.)

    And you should refuse to drop other plans for him.

    This is from a Mike Fiore email



  401.  #402Tam on February 25, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Ulii, wow, that PhotoCD does not sound good..I totally agree.
    Curly send me an email to apologize. I knew he would, but he seems to miss what really got my goat.

    But I will tell him how I feel about the subtle put downs and all that.
    We will see.



  402.  #403Miss Bells on February 25, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    I am still wondering how CDing helps me to not get hung up on a man when I am ALREADY hung-up before I ever discovered CDing. I asked it up thread a ways but no one responded yet.



  403.  #404Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Thank you Dominique. I’m also thinking – even if it registered that the call is from me, since I am not calling back or texting it could be a pocket call. or since I made just one call back then that he didn’t answer and called next on the day we spent together last year so much in love it will look at maximum romantic, not needy?



  404.  #405Mercedes on February 25, 2013 at 12:52 pm

    Miss Bells: I used CDing when I was already hung up on J and it helped me get a lot more clear about what I wanted and what my boundaries needed to be. Plus, I was so upset over J and I ending that I just wanted to cry all the time. CDing gave me a reason to get all dressed up and laugh and smile with the company of someone else, enjoy a night out and, if even for a few hours, not think so much about J. I got to meet some really amazing people and just had good times with men I wasn’t all hung up on. It helped me take all of my energy off of him and put it toward me and toward whoever it was I was having dinner with at the time. I looked at it as meeting lots of new friends.

    It didn’t work to completely take my mind off of him (although I think it would have as time went on) but it did give me moments of reprieve from that and, as I said, it gave me good reason to focus on me and on all that I wanted (and didn’t want) in a man. When J and I later got back together, I must say, I knew a lot more about what I was going to need (boundaries) in order to be happy and I believe that dating all those other men helped teach me that.

    I was strictly CDing though. I wasn’t trying to find my soul mate. I was just dating to have fun and get my mind and heart into a better place.

    Hope that helps a little…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  405.  #406Iamabutterfly on February 25, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    @402 Miss Bells – I don’t CD, simply because I must be doing something wrong or have blocks to love that is keeping me from getting asked out by men.

    I feel a little sad about it, but I also wonder how helpful the whole idea of CDing has been for me.

    My understanding is that the whole reason for CDing is free therapy. Learning how to relate to different kinds of men while they treat you to coffee, lunch, dinner.

    Rori says you can CD while still being in a relationship by keeping your heart open to men. (receiving and appreciating any and all attention they may give you, opening your heart to all men, and treating all men “in your rotation” equally. The hardest to do, if you ask me.)

    Since I don’t get asked out very often for whatever reason, I’ve found that “keeping my heart open to all men” has left me a little confused and frustrated.

    I find that “keeping your heart open to life” works a lot better for me. I think Rori recommends CDing with everything wonderful out there in the world, anyway.

    If you are truly “living in the moment,” it does help you to not obsess over any one guy.

    If a different man steps up and treats you better than “Guy A,” it really shifts your perspective and helps you feel better overall.

    Does that make sense?



  406.  #407Starbright on February 25, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Miss Bells,

    Also, Rori talks in some of her programs or posts about how if you are too stuck on a guy and are unable to be open to other men and CD that may mean going your own way and just CD others until he gives you the relationship that you want.

    You have choices…it all depends on your feelings…



  407.  #408Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    Thanks Ulli!
    The comments from that man about you not being so beautiful for the photos feels awful. What a terrible thing to say to a woman and its probably that you are so beautiful it hurts him that he can’t have you 🙂
    His loss and no excuse for that way of talking.
    I feel inspired to drop anyone like a hot potato who makes me feel badly or is not nice in a deliberate way. I have too many friends that are wonderful that I’d rather make time for.
    I’m catching up on missed sleep today as I only slept 3 hours Saturday night 🙁



  408.  #409Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 1:11 pm

    Hi miss bells!
    I like what Mercedes had to say about CDing … Since I’ve started CDing I’ve reinvented my wardrobe and I feel inspired to be manicured and pedicured always (although I do that anyways)
    It feels good to dress up, buy new jeans (tight dark and sexy) and try new things with my hair for dates…why not?!?!
    I’m having fun and still feeling dreamy about exoticCD :-)))



  409.  #410Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 1:14 pm

    As far as being hung up on a guy…..As you all know I’ve been sooo hung up on recycledCD for sooo long … Feels good to know there are men on there who are sexy fun and want to spend time with me….



  410.  #411Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    So instead of letting him remember it even a tiny bit a miss me I called:((((



  411.  #412Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    409 I meant there are other men out there besides recycledCD who are interested and interesting 🙂
    It’s a huge boost to make out with a new cutie mwuahaha! Yum yum!



  412.  #413Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    410 memulo have you tried any of the dating sites to meet other guys and take the focus off HIM



  413.  #414Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    I feel so lucky and I feel inspired to find a new job since I’m not happy where I am



  414.  #415Iamabutterfly on February 25, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    http://youqueen.com/love/how-to-tell-if-a-guy-likes-you-37-signs-he-likes-you-more-than-just-a-friend/

    SMC fit under like all 37 of these. I feel sad and embarrassed and I miss him. 🙁



  415.  #416Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    Memulo honestly, your posts are beginning to feel like a Debbie Downer. Seriously! That guy is so not worth it. I don’t care who he was or what he has hanging off of him.



  416.  #417Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Emerson what can I say, I am almost in a relationship with someone else.

    FW, funny;)



  417.  #418Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 1:54 pm

    Love Note of the Week:

    Choose love that lifts you up, inspires you, and brings more joy into your life. Avoid choosing something because it is the opposite of the pain you’ve experienced in the past.

    “Many of us are choosing love based on avoiding the pain and heartbreak of the past. This will keep you stuck in that pain. Instead, choose love that is expansive, choose love that inspires you to grow everyday, choose love that brings you happiness and joy. You cannot create from a space of lack. Ask yourself today, ‘If I didn’t have those painful stories from my past, what would my ideal relationship look like?’ And create love from the space of possibility.”

    Love and Abundance,

    Orna and Matthew



  418.  #419Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 1:55 pm

    Memulo what do you mean you are almost in a relationship with someone



  419.  #420Heart on February 25, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Ok I’m on a Me Week….I am trying to stay off FB & not check my mail for a couple of days…
    I’m also letting my boy plan things for my girl…
    I really want to reconnect with myself..
    I miss Me so much!



  420.  #421Heart on February 25, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I want to paint…I miss painting



  421.  #422Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    I mean I’m going out with a guy for 3 months and he cares about me and treats me with respect and talks about the future.



  422.  #423Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Yes FW, finding a new love is the best cure.



  423.  #424Heart on February 25, 2013 at 2:31 pm

    Looking at painting supplies….Remember paint yourself in love tool ….awwr…Feeling peppy.
    Also I’m trying to slow down my typing….wow this anxious-get-it-done-busy energy fuels so many things…



  424.  #425Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    421 memulo can you see yourself with this guy in the future?



  425.  #426Miss Bells on February 25, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    This Full Moon I am alone in my turret. It was an unholy mess. I moved in months ago but hadn’t had the time or the storage to unpack into. Now I have the large book case HS made me, and I have unpacked more than half of my boxes. On this full moon I am going to just keep putting thing away…
    I don’t feel good in this clutter.



  426.  #427Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    I don’t know Emerson. Something is missing. Sure the fact that I still have feelings for the other guy doesn’t help. On the other hand, I’ve been trying to meet someone else and so far it didn’t work out.



  427.  #428Rebecca on February 25, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    I feel so upset and powerless and I know that is life and I must accept it. I just feel so ANGRY… how can one person ruin your life?

    Life isn’t fair I guess…

    I feel sad . I fee why me??

    What is this about?? What is the lesson in here for me?? I feel sccaaarrreddd….



  428.  #429Rebecca on February 25, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    I feel victimised…

    I feel bullied and picked on and made the scapegoat..

    I feel sad… I feel burdoned…

    I don’t feel comfortable or supported…



  429.  #430Miss Bells on February 25, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    The woman acquaintance (part of our crowd) who sat down next to me at a very large soiree last Friday and told me I should dump HS– He is “the lowest of the low” she said–still bothers me.
    We sat in the car for a bit before I drove home and I asked him–“why do you and C.A. hate each other so much. He admitted that he came on to her about a year and a half ago, while with me–and she rejected him. He says he emailed her about band photography and that is how they came into contact. He told me this when he was pretty buzzed, and I know if I bring it up when he is sober it will not be a pretty conversation.
    And–something smells like fish here. If that is all it is, she would not dislike him as violently as she does. I can’t help think that it is more than that.
    All in all it turns me off. One more brick in the wall.
    After the party we had sloppy sex. and in the morning I went home, even though I could tell he didn’t expect me to leave.
    I had a coffee date with Convertible CD. I could have scheduled it some other time, but I am not that into just hanging out with HS right now.
    He is still trying to get me to do PR for free.
    I will say to him:
    Honey–if you want me to be a wife, marry me. Otherwise we are just dating and you can HIRE me if you want to be my client.
    You know–if I am not receiving the security, stability, and comfort of marriage than I must receive the romance, excitement, and fun of dating.
    And if I am not getting you all to my self–you are just a date and my options are open.
    Something like that.
    He was doing really well taking me out and paying but now he wants me to pick up half when we travel.
    I am looking for a way to change that.
    Either a speech, or just how I accept invitations from him.



  430.  #431Heart on February 25, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    Exploring travel arrangements….Wow this is actually happening…



  431.  #432Mercedes on February 25, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Awwwww….((((Rebecca)))))….”how can one person ruin your life?” – The answer is: They Can’t!

    I know it can feel that way at times, but your life is still yours and it is not ruined and although you might be in a less than ideal situation right now, that person has zero control over your actions and reactions, your attitude, your time off, your memories or dreams or hopes or future. It could very well feel like another person has the power to ruin your life, but…give it time…you will remember soon that YOU have power over your life and how well (or not) it’s going to go for you.

    In the meantime….I am very sorry about everything that is happening and I send positive vibes for a door to open toward a life changing improvement…and that you have whatever courage it takes to walk through that door.

    Much Love and hugs,
    Mercedes



  432.  #433Heart on February 25, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    I feel Kinda relieved to be leaving here…



  433.  #434Rebecca on February 25, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    OMG – I seem to be working with an absolute MAD woman.

    Last week I got a complete dressing down for not doing this, this and that… Etc… Okay, so I started to do all the things she was complaining about – now she has accused me of not handling the situation “sensitively” !!! Eeekkkk!!!! I actually feel like I am going mad…. Grrrrrr…… I am so angry because I could really like job the if it wasn’t for her !!!!!



  434.  #435Rebecca on February 25, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Mercedes – thank you ! – i feel warm and comforted reading your words. It is so nice having some support.



  435.  #436Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    429 miss bells I feel that you deserve better. Dealing with HS seems to feels tiresome and like pulling teeth … He is a pig for hitting on that woman while with you. Maybe it went no further than that but still is crappy. I don’t like him. I know none if my business and I’m being judgmental but he sounds like a selfish me generation opportunist. Yuck



  436.  #437Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Miss bells do you truly believe you deserve better?
    I had to ask myself that question when I was putting up with recycledCDs crap.



  437.  #438Miss Bells on February 25, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    He varies. When he is good he is very very good. But he definitely tries to treat me like a wife without marrying me and without being a husband. And I deserve to be treated better than that.
    My action will be no-action.
    I have plenty to do of my own stuff!



  438.  #439Miss Bells on February 25, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    And–I like the woman in question here. I really want to ask her what he did to give her such a low opinion.



  439.  #440Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    OMG Miss Bells. Why bother?



  440.  #441Senior Lady Vibe on February 25, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    @Rori Raye
    “…The goal here is for you to learn to WANT a man who WANTS you! And, along the way, you’ll simply need to find out what’s what…”

    This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 😀

    I add a preamble for myself, and that is to first be aware of myself and learn what I want and what makes me happy, this first part is always evolving but upon a foundation that I know is ME.

    SLV
    xoxo



  441.  #442Tam on February 25, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    FW, you feel so sassy tonight….hehe..I am loving it 🙂
    Straight talk!!



  442.  #443Miss Bells on February 25, 2013 at 6:02 pm

    # 440
    I feel curious–also, it’s a small county and she is one of my crowd. We will be running into each other often as long as I am here, and it’s been 35 years.

    When you get older finding ONE man to date gets harder, much less three or ten. I started a face to face meetup group for over fifty singles. It is a HUGE hit and I am the leader. BUT it is 65% female in membership, maybe more.

    I am attractive and look young for my age. But the poor men just DIE sooner.

    Also– I am very picky about certain things so the ones that go gaga over me I don’t necessarily like back—and a lot pf the remaining boomer guys are really just looking for some a$$ and that is not my thing at least not for a good long while. So I friend zone them and then it isn’t a date anymore.

    I am more sure of my slippery HS than some might think.



  443.  #444GlowStix on February 25, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    Staying at my parents place for 2 weeks and feeling lonely. Feeling so still and quiet and looooong exhale. Dense silence pressing around me. I feel unsure of what to do for
    the next 2 hours. Mmmm I feel grateful for cold cold water that feels refreshing and tastes light and sweet. I feel grateful for a kiss from mary-jane. Crunchy pop-corn. Munch munch munch. salty sweet. mmmm eat slow and it will last! yep!
    Man booked my time tomorrow night in advance (yesterday) and also for fri/sat. He called after work today to confirm for tomorrow. Just right at this precise moment he just texted “hi” *giggles* I love it when that happens…When he pops in right when i’m thinking about him 🙂 (((him))) d’you know I had a moment recently where I realized the man i’m with is just about the best person in the world to talk to, and that felt sweet like candy to my soul!



  444.  #445ArabianLove on February 25, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    I feel good today and I feel free !



  445.  #446GlowStix on February 25, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Texting back and forth and just feeling so heart open and honest and wonderful. It feels so new and sparkly to just be this way and speak this way without feeling like practice and not quite sure and is that authentic???



  446.  #447GlowStix on February 25, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    No questions, no second guessing myself. I like that.

    and so many tears.

    omg is that a full moon? No wonder the air feels so charged and i’m crying waterfalls of tears because I realized the man is my best friend…



  447.  #448Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 6:49 pm

    I made an executive decision that he has no idea I called. And also I was thinking – this guy disappeared on me when I was in trouble and he could help. Not financially, he could help in other ways. Or he could ask how I am coping with whatever was going on. I am not a damsel in distress type and he knew it. When he got into a much, much bigger trouble I cried with him and held his hand. It’s fine if he stopped having feelings for me, but disappearing like this is not cool. So maybe it’s time to send him to his brighter future and live my life. I am not completely over this and his voice still makes an impression but I’d rather be recovering on my own..



  448.  #449Linda on February 25, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    Hi All!

    I have been on vacation for a few days, the last three out of town with FavoriteCD. It was my birthday last Thursday. I truly have had some great days off work and out of town. I felt special and loved by both of my daughters and FavoriteCD.

    My time out of town with FavoriteCD was wonderful. There were a couple of times that things that felt off with him. He seemed upset and withdrew into himself. At those times instead of me trying to figure out if I might have done wrong or taking responsiblity for his happiness like I have done in the past, I purposely leaned back and remained the same toward him. He re-engaged after a few hours. I am still learning who he is and discovering some repetitive behavior patterns. In my time of leaning back I was feeling thru what I was feeling and what got triggered in me. I feel I need to speak up the next time this behavor surfaces.. Do what this post says and… “be brave and speak out”… I dont want to enable a negative pattern between us. I want to be authentic then too! And I wasnt. After reading this post I know that I need to grow in this area and be couragous.

    FavoriteCD told me he loved me while we were away this week end!!! It felt so good to hear him confess his feelings to me. It triggered some fear in me too. I do feel love for him too.



  449.  #450Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Happy belate birthday Linda! 😉



  450.  #451Linda on February 25, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    THanks Memelo!



  451.  #452Memulo on February 25, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    I had a date last night, first date and the guy was nice and smart but I didn’t like him. he gave me very little personal space, kept on touching me and breathing into my face. I lost my patience with him.



  452.  #453Linda on February 25, 2013 at 7:15 pm

    FavoriteCD talks about so many things in the future with me. It feels exciting and scarey at the same time. I want what he talks about and at the same time I feel a little bit afraid. I dont know why



  453.  #454Miss Bells on February 25, 2013 at 7:33 pm

    #452 Men who POUNCE physically before I know them well enough to want it TURN ME OFF!



  454.  #455k2012 on February 25, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    332: FW: “I wonder if you have an unconscious block to where you could possibly meet people……….. I am not sure. Sometimes u looking out but u meet no one. I actually didn’t get to attend the funeral unfortunately but met with relatives yesterday. Sometimes u see men at the supermarket and when u look at their married finger, u see a married ring. Of course from I see that, I just ignore them. Once u are married, u are not out.



  455.  #456MovingMagic on February 25, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    My cd’ing has been going well. I feel so leaned back, honest, & confident these days. I find myself expressing my feelings, needs, & boundaries so fearlessly. My AriesCd told me that I’m intimidating…only he said it with a smile. 😉 I noticed my body instinctively leaned back in response to that observation. He told me it’s a good thing. He said that I seem so passionate & focused in my life…& I noticed his body moving in toward me like he wanted to fill the space between us.



  456.  #457k2012 on February 25, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    Oh correction, once u are married, u are out.



  457.  #458Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Kath 400

    Well done you. Getting things like this out in the open and opening the lines of communication and getting clear on what we want and don’t want is so important in situations like this, and so healthy I think.



  458.  #459Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    Iamabutterfly 406

    I have been reading your posts and I am sure you’re perfectly adorable…

    Are you internet dating? Smiling and talking sweetly with everyone you meet with no expectations at all? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before you get several invitations 🙂



  459.  #460Indigo on February 25, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    I keep coming back to what CurvySiren said in #22, which describes my situation so completely.

    D is someone who battles with moods, and it probably should bother me a lot more than it does. But I love him in spite of, and sometimes even because of, his flaws. He makes me content in that deep down way, with his consistency and his integrity, with the moments of sweetness strung together by that deep understanding and bond.

    It’s something I would battle to explain to people on a more surface level, and yet I have like CurvySiren says, that intuitive gut feel to stay with it.



  460.  #461Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    Hi sirens I notice my pattern is to believe “it’s too good to be true” …..
    I want to flip that hmmmm interesting….
    I also have been procrastinating getting back to jayzCD but I think I will call him tomorrow. Today I was still on a cloud from my make out session with exoticCD last night….
    He did not call me today I feel kinda sad but at the same time it’s ok I don’t care that much … I have a fear that he will poof…if he does, he does. So be it. Letting go of outcomes.

    I did notice that exoticCD talks about other women from his past sometimes in reference to stories or sharing his history with me… Fine, but at one point I told him I feel uncomfortable hearing about the other women I just want a clear slate and he listened and stopped doing it…
    Maybe he’s just akward lol



  461.  #462Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    I feel a lot of chemistry with exoticCD and we want the same things and we have a lot in common…but I’m keeping it allll in perspective ….



  462.  #463Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 10:44 pm

    Hi Emerson. Have you and ExoticCD discussed what you are looking for? It felt a bit off to me when I read what you said to him about other women. Maybe it is because it is so early in the game. I believe at this stage it is just dating? So I am wondering if it is natural for him to be dating others? Is it that you are already becoming attached because of the physicality so you can’t deal with the thought of him being with other women?



  463.  #464Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 10:46 pm

    RE 462. Ok



  464.  #465Femininewoman on February 25, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    Emerson remember to read Rori’s email and Dominique’s article about Chemistry vs Intimacy.



  465.  #466Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    Thanks few I hear what you’re saying
    Yes we are looking for the same thing we’ve talked about it…relationship eventual possible marriage and maybe kids but not necessarily with each other lol….
    Also I don’t mind I he’s daring others we discussed that too..but I didn’t want to hear story after story about women he dared in the past and I’m wanting to practice being authentic… Also my post on here was it my exact words necessarily and it was not a blip or a big deal on the conversation…
    Do you have the link for intimacy vs chemistry
    Thanks fw :-))



  466.  #467Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    *dated in the past not dared in the past



  467.  #468Emerson on February 25, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Oh lord typing in my phone is horrendous



  468.  #469Annie on February 26, 2013 at 1:43 am

    Thanks Moving Magic and Ulii.



  469.  #470Annie on February 26, 2013 at 1:51 am

    “He admitted that he came on to her about a year and a half ago, while with me–”

    What do you mean by with me? Were you in a sexually exclusive relationship? So he was hitting on another woman trying to get her into bed?
    What agreement do you have now? Have you both had the talk about sexual exclusivity? Are you back with him in this way? or are you holding out on that until you get offered what you want?



  470.  #471Annie on February 26, 2013 at 1:52 am

    The above for Miss Bells



  471.  #472Heart on February 26, 2013 at 1:55 am

    I’m bored
    I want a guy to think about…
    🙂



  472.  #473Vi on February 26, 2013 at 3:20 am

    Today expressing felt better than stuffing down. I felt surprised to hear myself saying ‘I love to be helped with my coat’ and smiling and watching the outcome. And it felt like numbness in my cheeks and stiffen shoulders and noticing them go up, and tension in the pelvic and it also felt like a guilt for ‘bothering’ a man. And it also felt like excitement and beig ‘naughty’ appreciating the things I was taught to ‘whatever’. I felt surprised to hear myself saying ‘I don’t want my sleep to be interruped until.. ‘ instead of tolerating it and feeling like a victim and grumpy afterwards. And also asking to payse a program playing until I finish cooking and feel abdolutely comfortable to listen to it. Instead of letting it play and missing out much of it.. mmm and I felt totally amazed to hear myself saying ‘wow I feel defensive to hear that. I feel like defending that person.. It feels sad to.. ‘ sigh. It felt so exciting and also shoulders humping and numb and pelvic a little tilted and teeth pressed together. But I did it!



  473.  #474Sirenity on February 26, 2013 at 3:31 am

    Heart that is profound.

    We thinking feminine beings really love having a focus for all those thoughts and even more for all our loving feelings.

    It does feel boring when we dont have someone to focus on and i think that boredom is often what leads us to prematurely hooking onto a half decent guy who comes our way 🙂



  474.  #475Tam on February 26, 2013 at 4:43 am

    So Curly did apologize to me, and I do understand the events leading up to it, and that now his father is not well and might actually die and he has to go and look after him.
    I felt a little bad about sending him an email to tell him how I felt about the incident and also about some stuff he says to me that feels like subtle put-downs.
    First I didn’t want to and just let it go and deal with it another time..but then he seemed to assume that with his apology ‘all is fine now’ and it certainly isn’t as far as I am concerned.
    So I re-worded my email a little differently, because it was a little blamey and quite a rant….however, I need to be true to myself and there is no way he can go on assuming all is fine.
    So now he knows that all is not fine.



  475.  #476LoveAlways on February 26, 2013 at 4:57 am

    Good morning sirens

    letting go of control with a man is like being a butterfly in the air on a windy day. I can only chart my own course and deal with the reality flowing around me. And I feel like a butterfly! I flutter here and there, and if he is calm and inviting I’ll be with him, but if he starts thrashing about I fly away. I feel like I’m riding the winds, making my way through the day. Sometimes he catches me, sometimes I softly land on him and other times I fly away from him. Yes, I’m learning this man is no angel. I’m not judging but I see he can dish out some stuff. I wasn’t triggered!!! I just leaned back, followed the four rules and kept a safe space for me and ultimately for him too. It wasn’t hard because I was in my feelings the whole time. He wanted drama, in a passive aggressive way and I wasn’t sitting by helpless or aggressively controlling like pre-siren me! I leaned back, stepped back and then stood solid. I then responded to the situation from my feelings and honestly, not ashamed of my position or apolizinging . . . Yes, in diva mode! He sat there looking at me for a while and then reached over, pulled me into arms to cuddle. What a break through and healing for me!!! Strong on the inside, soft on the outside



  476.  #477CurvySiren10 on February 26, 2013 at 4:59 am

    Indigo, wow- I feel flattered by what you said. I was actually JUST thinking about you (and myself) when I read this passage on Facebook earlier this morning: “my greatest discoveries have been made via my heart. I like to think I am a rational person, and I think most things through thoroughly. The greatest lessons in my life and the greatest discoveries have not been made by my thought process though, until much later. The experience taught me, came first, the discovery happened, and then I processed the information to make sense of it and store it in my memory. Love, connection, faithfulness, and trust are some of the discoveries I have made through my heart. My mind meets many people, but my heart has the final say. My mind can be fooled; my heart is spot on in most cases. My heart is also the part of me that says “YES” when my mind may say, “NO, that doesn’t make any sense.” My greatest happiness in life hasn’t happened due to my intellect or ability to think rationally. Keeping my heart open to trust and say yes has made all the difference.”

    That really encompasses my point about letting my intuition (and heart) lead the way when I was struggling through the breakup and ever-so-slow reconnection process with my man. It was tough. It was messy. It ultimately was pretty painful, but it was SO worth it and I learned so much about myself from this.

    Thinking of you and sending lots of warm hugs ….



  477.  #478Heart on February 26, 2013 at 5:01 am

    CudG wrote me..asking about me & life and so on…I feel surprised but I sensed he would write me today…
    He isn’t asking me out
    I feel happy to hear from him…I don’t feel disappointed anymore…It like my Disappointment fountain has run itself dry.
    He isn’t moving forward but he isn’t letting me go.
    It’s ok CudG….that’s for helping me to Desire More…thanks for helping me climb another step away from my fear of intimacy and towards the Relationship I want.
    Thank you for helping me to learn more about what I want…
    Thanks for the message.



  478.  #479Heart on February 26, 2013 at 5:05 am

    Thanks Sirenity….that feels good to read 🙂



  479.  #480LoveAlways on February 26, 2013 at 5:10 am

    And I’m healing in other areas too. Learning not to blame others for my reality. I get frozen when I blame someone else for my problems. Even if they did play a part, I must find my own contribution, embrace it and unstick myself so I can move forward. I love my ugly parts



  480.  #481LoveAlways on February 26, 2013 at 5:18 am

    I miss posting on the blog everyday. I need to journal long hand, but I miss the energy of the blog. I will try to work this out so I can do both. Rori’s programs are truly like therapy, and the blog is a gathering place, a safe space. I feel guilty that I don’t have time to read every post and that I just write and go, but this blog is where so much of my healing blossomed. I’ll work this out.



  481.  #482Heart on February 26, 2013 at 5:24 am

    Why does he keep asking me how I’m doing?
    Also I didnt tell him I’m leaving..I just said Im dealing with a stressful situation.
    And now he wants to help me with it…Awwr he’s starting to remind me of the old CuddleyGrinch….the one that cared for me.



  482.  #483Tam on February 26, 2013 at 5:29 am

    Heart, do you want to open up to him…kind of an intimacy building exercise?
    See what he says?



  483.  #484Iamabutterfly on February 26, 2013 at 5:45 am

    @459 Indigo – aw, you are so sweet! That made me feel really good. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    I feel like I interact really well with others. (Feels like an ad for a dog, LOL)

    I’ve been told that I’m “intimidating” and that since I’m so friendly with everyone, it’s “hard to tell who I’m really interested in.” (coming from a married guy friend of mine a few years ago.)

    I can attract guys who go for me anyway, though they are a little harder to find, but to me, it’s worth it.

    as for online dating, it doesn’t feel good for now, simply because I feel like I go online looking for love when I’m feeling lonely and desperate, and so that is the kind of men I attract.

    I might try it later, who knows. but for now, I feel good meeting people in real life as I’m happy living my life. Men are just a cherry on top of the fabulous cupcake of my life anyway!

    (Harder for me to say when I’m on PMS and posting on here! I swear it’s like a negative voice party and I, as the host, have to kick ’em all out of the party! With the help of you ladies, too!)

    I feel happy and content, right now. If I can foster those good feelings any time of the month, I’ll be doing great! 🙂



  484.  #485Vi on February 26, 2013 at 6:06 am

    I feel thankful to the Universe for the beautiful sunset. I felt dissoled in it. I felt like air myself and like it’s true that I have all the time in the world.
    I feel thankful to the nature for the rain I got under together with my dog and MH. It felt so fun to run back home. I felt so good when he gave me his hat and I felt joyful to breath in fresh air and feel tiny rain drops on my face. And warmth of our home felt even more intense and so relaxing to be in.
    I feel thankful to MH for so many chances to practice appreciation. I feel awkward, shriking my nose and even frowning my brows and it all feels hillarious and I feel about myself even better.
    I feel thankful for a couple of new projects apart of my job. I look forward to new experience and want to expand.
    I feel thankful to myself for remembering to do the Waterwheel tool when I felt defensive. I felt more open and believed that I can be kind to both of us.
    I feel thankful to myself for choosing expressing over stuffing down. I feel trust towards myself and I feel more confident.



  485.  #486Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:23 am

    Tam – I feel confused & unsafe. I know FW says he’s acting like someone who wants a Casual relationship but I don’t even know about that…I mean he told me he wanted to help me & essentially if I need a shoulder to cry on he’s there for me…

    But it’s like we’re no longer seeing each other because HE isnt interested in seeing me yet
    And that’s awkward.

    I have never learned forward & called him…yet he’s suggesting I call him to talk about my .problems rather than him calling me.

    Maybe he wants to maintain the friendship or something…



  486.  #487Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:25 am

    He is Acting WEIRD.



  487.  #488Tam on February 26, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Heart, yeah, maybe. Well, difficult to get into his head you know?
    Carry on regardless and see what he does, I guess.
    Easier said than done.
    Is he maybe a feminine energy man?



  488.  #489Dominique on February 26, 2013 at 6:32 am


  489.  #490Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:35 am

    Tam – no he’s masuline…a little feminine energy in the way Curly is perhaps…can talk open up etc…but still a masculine guy I would say…

    I mean we both get that he doesn’t want to date me anymore and the majority of our emails have been about seeing each other and when to meet etc…
    So this feels Strange…
    It’s hard to stay out of his head hehe.
    Oh well



  490.  #491Tam on February 26, 2013 at 6:37 am

    he doesn’t want to date you? but your emails were about meeting up?
    I am confused now.
    Hm.
    Perhaps he just doesn’t know what he wants..



  491.  #492Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:40 am

    He never actually said “I’ll be your shoulder to cry on”…

    He just said to call him if I needed help of someone to talk too..



  492.  #493Tam on February 26, 2013 at 6:42 am

    ah ok. Hm.



  493.  #494Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:43 am

    Tam – no our previous emails…
    he hasnt asked me out since then



  494.  #495Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:45 am

    He’s just emailing me – how are u doing ….type of messages…
    and over the weekend he sent me cute cat pics….

    Now thats sweet but it’s WEIRD too.



  495.  #496Tam on February 26, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Ok I get it Heart, yep, best to let that one go I guess.
    Who knows what he is thinking…



  496.  #497Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:46 am

    He’s acting Out of Character….



  497.  #498Heart on February 26, 2013 at 6:49 am

    Tam – I have to relocate…so yes i have to let go but it’s my CuddleyGrinch…it’s not so easy sometimes…And although he withdrew, He was an awesome guy in many ways. He did treat me well when we were out…& put a lot of thought into what we would do and where we would go…



  498.  #499Tam on February 26, 2013 at 6:51 am

    so you have nothing to lose in treating him like a CD maybe and practice with him, and you could tell him about the relocation?



  499.  #500Femininewoman on February 26, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Heart most guys I know think of themselves as good guys. As such, of course he would be there for you if you need help or a shoulder to cry on. It seems you have triggered his knight in shining armor masculine protector instinct. Yet, that does not translate into him saying he wants a relationship and him driving one forward. Which is the reason it is good to live in the moment and not look for clues about relationship in the words the guys are telling us. Remember they are simple? He wants to be there for you. He wants to give you a shoulder to cry on. He wants to hear your problems. He feels good doing these things for you. Did he say he wanted a relationship?



  500.  #501Heart on February 26, 2013 at 7:07 am

    lol FW…ok I get it.

    My interest in him is dwindling ….I’m starting to feel kinda turned off by him actually.
    I guess I am learning to want men who want me.



  501.  #502Femininewoman on February 26, 2013 at 7:13 am

    Heart – sometimes I wonder if I lie to myself when I say “I feel turned off by a guy” especially one who I loved and don’t see on dates anymore. When I look at a picture on Facebook I still feel butterflies and heart pounding. When I get those texts sometimes my heart skip a beat and I feel excited and flattered. When I think about some moments spent together I feel strong waves flow through my body and my facial muscles smiling. I can’t help but wonder if it is not me who is turning myself on and off. I know I feel bored with the inaction and sometimes angry because of the loss of connection but thinking about different guys or looking at pictures I can still feel turned on. As a matter of fact at times I feel turned on in the presence of guys that I have no history with. There is just something about that that triggers that internal humpf. Lipsmacking. Heat in my groin kinda thing. I better stop 🙂



  502.  #503Femininewoman on February 26, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Body Language from Rori:-

    So here’s the tip: When you’re feeling s stressed, anxious, tense, do something that feels COUNTERINTUITIVE.

    Relax your lips, and part them slightly. You’ll notice an immediate simultaneous shift in your “energy” from tense to calm.

    But more importantly, this remarkable technique can also make you APPEAR more relaxed and self-confident, even when you’re in a very tense situation. Like on a date, or having an emotional conversation with your boyfriend.

    Looking more self-confident and relaxed opens you up and sends the signal that you’re OPEN and vulnerable – which is actually an irresistible visual “signal” to a man.

    Isn’t that something?

    Any woman can learn how to become more attractive and magnetic simply by tapping into her natural inner beauty and feminine energy.

    Men are DRAWN and MAGNETIZED to a woman when she’s relaxed, vulnerable, soft on the outside but STRONG on the inside.



  503.  #504Heart on February 26, 2013 at 7:58 am

    FW….hmm let me feel that out…



  504.  #505sha-sha on February 26, 2013 at 8:16 am

    Hi Ladies!! I’m feeling pretty good today. We went forward with eye laser surgery and its been 3days …..he goes to doctor today to make sure they lasered all the cyst off his eye….. I got fingers crossed…



  505.  #506Heart on February 26, 2013 at 8:26 am

    I’ve felt it out and I realize I feel really Angry…
    anger just festering….
    I can’t wait to get over this guy…
    He is Yucky!



  506.  #507Tam on February 26, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Haha. Heart. You sound cute. I want to hug you. Or share a cocktail with you. I think we’d have a laugh.

    I feel like that about MrP. But he also makes me smile. He is supposedly in Europe skiing, but I see him online in ‘our’ chat programme often right now.
    Almost as per usual, he is there but not quite there.
    Makes me smile.
    But I also feel yucky, like ‘go away, I want to be over you already’
    I am proud of myself and have taken all our common friends from my newsfeed in fb so I can’t see any pics they post.

    I feel relieved about that.



  507.  #508Femininewoman on February 26, 2013 at 8:51 am

    “There is a very valid explanation for why some men lie; their girlfriends can’t handle the truth.”

    EMK



  508.  #509CurvySiren10 on February 26, 2013 at 8:56 am

    508 Ick! I don’t like that statement from EMK….



  509.  #510MovingMagic on February 26, 2013 at 9:02 am

    Heart, I feel like analyzing his messages takes alot of mental energy (though I totally get it & have been there). I feel like the real question is, can you be okay with things the way they are with the messages, & no physical energy coming your way at this time?



  510.  #511MovingMagic on February 26, 2013 at 9:03 am

    Heart, I feel like analyzing his messages takes alot of mental energy (though I totally get it & have been there). I feel like the real question is, can you be okay with things the way they are with messages, & no physical energy coming your way at this time?



  511.  #512Tam on February 26, 2013 at 9:04 am

    …more like ‘the men don’t want to handle a gf that knows the truth, especially if it isn’t a very palatable truth’.
    Men often go the way of least resistance.
    Translates as: ‘fibbing for an easy life’.
    I have had quite a few guys tell me this, and I have witnessed it myself too.
    Nothing wrong with that. Nothing really right with it either though.



  512.  #513Memulo on February 26, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I scheduled a date tonight. I figured -even if I am not ready to fall on love, I can go out and talk to people, and enjoy;)



  513.  #514Indigo on February 26, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Yes CurvySiren 509

    There are many statements EMK makes in supposed defence of good men, which don’t sit too well with me.

    For all D’s faults he never lies, he always tells the absolute truth, even if it hurts me (and it sometimes does), which is probably why I trust him despite my insecurities.



  514.  #515Memulo on February 26, 2013 at 10:09 am

    One thing if guys want time with friends or for themselves and gfriends feel bad about it. Another example is EMK’s wife previous relationships where they lied and cheated.



  515.  #516Indigo on February 26, 2013 at 10:13 am

    CurvySiren 477

    I believe this now, more than ever. Thank you for posting this.

    Especially in the last few days, I have felt that the greatest truth is in my heart, and it is the easiest to trust. That little voice inside which whispers my truth, even if it makes no sense, and later on I’m so glad I listened because it is the most beautiful, illogical, most alive thing that could have happened.

    Sometimes it is much later on, and I believe the road there is always difficult and a little painful. But the rewards are great and special, designed only for you.

    X



  516.  #517Heart on February 26, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Tam – awwwr 🙂 why can’t we just get over these ppl?
    Total waste of time….
    At least Mr.P didn’t go weird on you.

    This may sound silly but I think CudG might ve trying some kinda PUA technique on me or something….Something is just Off about him.

    Yes Moving-magic I spend too much energy on nothing…



  517.  #518Femininewoman on February 26, 2013 at 10:27 am

    Healing from heartbreak means taking responsibility for how you’re feeling even after a breakup. The cure for your pain lies within you. It’s an inside job and, once tackled, heartbreak will never be as painful again.

    http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com/healing-from-heartbreak/