Dating and Relationships for The Woman of Tomorrow

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I met this lovely man – Jounderstand mennathan Aslay, a dating coach for women, at a professional get together – and I loved him. He’s so sweet and kind and caring and knowledgeable from both research, his own experience, and just the generally helpful viewpoint of being a man, and he’s so much a “coach.” I asked him for an article for you…and here it is:

As a professional dating coach, I’ve helped many women with dating and relationship issues. This has led me to identify a few client “types,” and coaching methods that tend to work best for each.

Three types I often encounter are what I call the Woman of Yesterday, the Woman of Today, and the Woman of Tomorrow.

While I enjoy coaching them all, I find it most rewarding to work with the modern day “Woman of Tomorrow.” In my experience, she is uniquely positioned to find lasting love and true partnership—which, any dating coach will tell you, is the brass ring. Allow me to elaborate.

The Woman of Tomorrow is defined by her self-awareness.

She knows what she wants, goes after it, and invests in it.

She does virtually nothing in life out of necessity, but out of desire. She has choices, and knows it.

This differs from the Woman of Yesterday, who is less independent and self-sufficient. Yesterday’s woman embraces her femininity in a traditional way, viewing men as protectors and providers. She depends on her partner for security, and is happiest with a man who is fulfilled by supplying it.

The Woman of Today “has it all,” but subconsciously lives life according to society’s template. She is smart, strong, feminine, and successful, yet often struggles to balance career, family, and personal time. Today’s Woman reacts to life, deriving satisfaction from being a flexible multi-tasker. Her true partner is likewise an achiever and takes pride in accomplishments.

But, the Woman of Tomorrow has something more. She is the Woman of Today, minus the template. Instead, she is guided by an internal compass. Her thoughts and plans leverage her gifts, and are fueled by her desires. She has confidence in what tomorrow will bring because she has already envisioned it. To have a lasting romantic union, she must be with a man who is her true partner in everything—someone who fully appreciates her core being, has similar values and interests, and will evolve alongside her.

The Woman of Tomorrow prefers solitude to a merely “good” relationship. She leads a full and satisfying life and only accepts a partner who will enhance it. Tomorrow’s woman has a soft, feminine side that likes to be courted by the man she is dating. Her ideal guy is secure, financially stable, continually self-improving, and emotionally available—all things she is. As a couple, they are best friends and passionate lovers.

Tomorrow’s woman dates with purpose, and brings the man she desires into her life. She thrives on using empowering know-how to take fate by the hand and maximize her potential—making the brass ring fully within reach.

From Rori:

Here’s his bio: Professional dating coach and speaker Jonathon Aslay offers private and group dating and relationship coaching services nationwide. He also has a variety of e-books available for purchase. For more information about Jonathon and his services, visit

He’s really a sweetheart. Also – a great personal story, so if you’ve been through a divorce, or have kids, go look him up – those situations, plus “understanding, dating and marrying men over 40” are his specialty.

To our “Tomorrow” selves right now this minute!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Brenda on September 10, 2010 at 7:43 am

    That’s a beautiful description of the Woman of Tomorrow! Thank you!

    Lucy, that sounds like what you were describing yesterday! 🙂

  2.  #2Learning on September 10, 2010 at 7:50 am

    I spent the first 6 and a half years of my marriage teaching my husband that he matters more than me. He thoughts his desires his wishes all mattered more. I did a really good job of turning myself into a pathetic doormat. At my low point he actually said to me, “sometimes it is easier to just not be around you at all” For the past year and a half I have been re-finding myself, and I can now identify with the woman of tomorrow. I know she is in me, because I am a new and changed person, and for the most part it has really affected my relationship in a positive way. My husband is much more caring loving, and affectionate. However, we are going through some growing pains, he still attacks when he is angry, and now I walk away as he is saying go on your highness, thanks for the help etc. in a sarcastic tone. Is this just him going through the growing of realizing I am no longer a doormat. I would much rather the anger than the “it is easier to not be around you” comments, but sometimes it kicks me into old habits. When things are good, now 98% of the time, he treats me like a princess. However, now when things are heated, usually due to stress with young children etc, he throws it at me as an attach. How, long does it take a man to realize that you are changed and get with the program, grow up, and be the man who can have the kind of relationship described by the woman of tomorrow section?

  3.  #3Brenda on September 10, 2010 at 8:19 am

    35 Places To Meet Great Men – from Jonathan Asley

    This is about developing friendships with men. You never know who the men you meet can introduce you to. He may be THE ONE or he may be friends with THE ONE.
    1. Golf – take lessons, visit golf shops, attend tournaments
    2. Go to a coffee house and bring an intriguing book and/or laptop and a smile
    3. Join a church singles group and attend events
    4. Happy hour at a high end restaurant or Hotel
    5. Watch Monday Night Football somewhere at sports club, restaurant or party
    6. Take a friend to a bowling alley and find a cute guy and ask him to show you his best bowling tip
    7. Car wash on a busy day gives you time to mingle and flirt with male patrons
    8. Car shows, classic cars or auctions – ask men about to explain about the cars
    9. Home improvement stores: Home Depot & Lowes – check out the tools, plumbing and lumber section for manly men
    10. Sporting goods stores – hang out in the area of sports you like
    11. Superbowl parties – a great annual occasion, pick your venue carefully for the type of man you seek
    12. Club Med for singles – go with a girlfriend
    13. Investment & business seminars – sit next to or mingle with unmarried, attractive male attendees
    14. Real estate open houses in your area – single, straight male home buyers will need a woman’s touch
    15. Take a dance class – preferably partnering styles
    16. Coed softball or volleyball league – abundant fun people
    17. Concerts in the park – laugh and smile and dance with girlfriends
    18. Grocery shopping – 5:15 – 6 pm and weekends
    19. Boxing, martial arts training – men always willing to help teach you
    20. Join a Gym: workout before work (6-7:30 am) or 7-9 pm
    21. Take a hiking, kayaking or sailing class
    22. Attend local sporting events
    23. Dog park/dog beach – meet other dog lovers
    24. Visit computer/electronic stores and ask for recommendations from male shoppers
    25. Speed dating events – keeping your list of non-negotiables in mind
    26. Wine Tasting Clubs – keep drinking to a minimum
    27. Join a political group – meet men with common views
    28. Weekday breakfast at a nice restaurant or hotel
    29. Attend Chamber of Commerce events for great networking
    30. Volunteer in your community to meet more philanthropic men
    31. Join a snow/water skiing club for like-minded sports enthusiasts
    32. Join a backpacking/camping group for more nature-loving men
    33. Farmer’s markets, Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s – to meet health-oriented men
    34. Shop in a high-end men’s department store and ask for input on a gift for your dad or brother (or your Relationship Confident)
    35. is an EXCELLENT way to meet men in your area with common interests (just do a search for any of the above topics in your city)
    Reminder: this is about developing friendships. You may meet great female friends who ultimately introduce you to your ideal guy. You may even be able to introduce them to a great guy!

  4.  #4Jonathon on September 10, 2010 at 8:24 am


    Thank you so much for your kind comment.

    Sending you smiles

  5.  #5Rori Raye on September 10, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Wow, Learning – you’re amazing. You say 98%!! my goodness…that’s fantastic! How about this: go around 100% of the time appreciating him for the 98% (or even 50% good). Be thankful to yourself for creating this. Thank him. NOW – see if you can trust that he loves you. Just see what that thought does for you…Walk away exactly as you do, when you need to – and see if you can do it with LOVE for yourself AND for him…he’s just struggling with his own stuff. If you see it that way, and work on your own peace and love, and allow him to impact you, and apologize if you’ve upset him, and yet stand your ground…this is great…Love, Rori

  6.  #6Rori Raye on September 10, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Brenda and Jonathon, Thank you for this..I’m going to copy it for reference and credit you, thanks…Rori

  7.  #7Mercedes on September 10, 2010 at 9:44 am

    I like this very, very much…

    “The Woman of Tomorrow prefers solitude to a merely “good” relationship. She leads a full and satisfying life and only accepts a partner who will enhance it. Tomorrow’s woman has a soft, feminine side that likes to be courted by the man she is dating. Her ideal guy is secure, financially stable, continually self-improving, and emotionally available—all things she is. As a couple, they are best friends and passionate lovers.”

    Much Love,

  8.  #8Brenda on September 10, 2010 at 9:55 am

    You’re welcome! I just discovered that #4, of meeting a man at a high end hotel restaurant! I just discovered one about 5 miles from home thru (check it out! $2 for $25 gift certificates sometimes!)! They have bands every Friday and Saturday night! So I’ve been there twice so far.

    I am feeling really frustrated with online dating, because 90% of those contacting me lately are scammers, not real, local men. And the other 10% want to skip dating and getting to know each other and just hop in bed.

    I feel really grossed out by both of those scenarios. So I am really going to take seriously being out in public at new places to meet men.

    And while I do that, I will continue to work on weight loss and fitness along with my emotional healing, which is really propelling faster than ever since I found Rori and her blog, with all these wonderful Sirens and Heroes surrounding me!

    I met Ryan at a coffee house, and we were acquainted a year before he started to date me. I much prefer a naturally developing relationship.

    The down side of meeting men in person is it’s hard to sift through them to know who’s single or not. With Bill, what’s frustrating is I made myself vulnerable by asking the admin. asst. of my department if he was single, before I ever went anywhere with my attraction. She said, “Yeah, and he’s a great guy!” I guess she just didn’t know he is gay. 🙁 Oh well, I am thankful that I have a nice gay friend now!

    This weekend I am going to get out there and try to meet some men. I DON’T recommend Love and Seek dot com. I have been contacted by almost all spammers. I even wonder if the site owners are spammers. I feel really vulnerable that they have my credit card information now. I am going to quit it before my one month subscription is up. I don’t recommend craigslist, either. They are real men, but I wasted a lot of time on there over a period of years and didn’t meet any quality men.

  9.  #9Jonathon on September 10, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Mercedes thank you very much


  10.  #10Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 10:23 am

    So, if the man is not offering me what I want, can I ask for it?

  11.  #11Brenda on September 10, 2010 at 10:37 am


    Enter feeling messages! “Man, I feel sad. I want XXXXX. What do you think?”

  12.  #12Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 11:08 am

    I’ll see if that works. He called me last night because he knew I was still awake. He asked me to just calm down and sleep. Maybe it’s the right time to ask him to spoil me a bit.

  13.  #13Jacqueline on September 10, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Happy Friday, all! The woman of tomorrow is what I’ve been trying to focus on – the second act/starting over theme. Originally I was drawn to the work of Gretchen Ruben with the Happiness Project and she said older people report higher levels of happiness. And I was like, “huh?” that can’t be right – most of my friends are the “woman of today,” and they’re struggling.

    I always want to believe/think my best moment/days/etc of happiness are ahead of me – it’s my focus and my goal, so Kuddos!!! Jonathon – what a great, original thought/observation!!! Would love to hear more about how it plays out in your coaching – do you actually coach them all to a “tomorrow” place, or do you coach them based on where they are at into the matches as you’ve described?

    The women who made the societal templates were trailblazers and we wouldn’t even have the woman of tomorrow without them, but it feels good to notice and find of name this shift – even within ourselves!

    Thank you, and Rori! you are as usual right on in finding him and hearing his great message first!

    Feeling lucky,


  14.  #14Jacqueline on September 10, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Hi, Ragnell – I looked for you on the other thread, nice to see you back. A feeling message can also be – I feel xxxxxxx; I don’t want >>>>>>>>; what do you think. So, I feel afraid you’ll call me needy, but I don’t want you to do (whatever it is – ignoring you?); what do you think?

    Hope it helps your weekend!


  15.  #15Daria on September 10, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Ragnell – just a little tweak. It’s very important to AVOID the word YOU in feeling messages, and don’t wants.

    dont use

    I want YOU to… take out the garbage, be more loving etc

    or I feel angry that YOU did this

    that would be…

    I don’t want to take out the garbage.

    I feel angry. Pause. I don;t like being treated this way.


    that is so taht a, we aren’t trying to control him, and b, he can Hear us better without feeling triggered and blamed.


    excited to see you start out!

  16.  #16Mercedes on September 10, 2010 at 11:49 am

    You’re very welcome Jonathon…you have a fan in me.

    I keep thinking about this…it is sooooo refreshing to hear: “Her ideal guy is secure, financially stable, continually self-improving, and emotionally available—all things she is.”

    all things she is.

    She is.

    Men…ARE attracted to independent, secure, financially stable….they ARE.

    No matter how many times I hear that men aren’t looking for that stuff and that those qualities in me are not what turn my man on…well…every part of my being wants to resist it.

    I can melt in his arms and I can be as soft and feminine as any…and yet he always knows that I can take care of myself if I needed to and that I can kick ass at work and pay my own bills and (ahem) buy my own car…lol. He also knows that when I need a shoulder to cry on and a couple of arms to hold me and a date to open my door for me…well…I got that too.

    Anyway…very, very refreshing…

    All of this…

    Much Love,

  17.  #17Jonathon on September 10, 2010 at 11:55 am

    @Ragnell asking for what you want or sharing what you want is always a good practice. Since I coach from the male brain, my suggestion is that if it is something you are expecting to change you may be met with resistance. I recommend asking for a convenient time to have a conversation to share how we could improve our relationship and hear are my feelings. Then ask him what he “thinks” men are logical… thinking.

    Does that help?

  18.  #18Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    I don’t know if I did the right thing but I just emailed the guy asking for some time together, but I also said I didn’t want us to be distracted by other thoughts or worries or things to do. I’ll tell him the rest when we are together. I want to tell him that I’ve got feelings for him but that it doesn’t necessarily mean I want something from him. All I want is the freedom to feel whichever way I feel about him. Does that make sense?

  19.  #19Lizzie on September 10, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    OH! what a wonderful article and soooo timely! I have been searching websites looking for deeper understanding of Feminine and Masculine energy and came across tons of stuff that supports the Woman of Yesterday (and a pile of stuff that is too hokey for me). What I was really interested in is deepening my perspective vis-a-vie Rori’s philosophy. I came to this from watching the complete video of her on The Gregory Mantell Show (it is on youtube). It was absolutely magical to see her feminine energy weaving around Tim Mann – it is worth watching – she shifted him so that he was just falling into her – BEAUTIFUL!

    Anyway, my search for a depth of understanding – I found this very well written article. I hope it is ok to post the link here – I love to understand stuff and this really adds to Rori’s approach.

  20.  #20Jonathon on September 10, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    @Jacqueline, are you quoting Dr. Pat Allen? 🙂

  21.  #21AmberS on September 10, 2010 at 1:23 pm


    “I feel angry. Pause. I don;t like being treated this way.”

    I was remembering her saying “I don’t like feeling this way” because being treated was still about him?

  22.  #22Daria on September 10, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    ooh. Amber. nice. even better. yes.

    what I was referring was a situation when i was treted in a clearly bad way (yelled at and called names for example).

    men know when they’re treating us badly- according to Rori.


    mm yes. i feel angry. i Don’t Want to be treated this way. is what i meant.

    fortunately if i am with the intent to share a feeling rather than tget a result, that will carry thru in my energy even if my message comes out as not the best expression verbally

  23.  #23Daria on September 10, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Jonathon – I’m not Jaqueline, but feeling messages are a cornerstone of Rori’s stuff

  24.  #24Daria on September 10, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    Lizzie! thank you for finding rori on this show! off to wathc!

  25.  #25Daria on September 10, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Lizzie – thank you so much!

    i feel tears in my eyes after Rori first spoke. that old guy! seemed so TOUCHED

    when he said… i’m not sure women put so much of a priority on a relationship anymore

    i felt soooo touched… he seemed genuinely to be asking rori that and to reasure him

    aWWW .. of Course we do! we still do ! mucho! mucho mucho, just confused about it too

  26.  #26Daria on September 10, 2010 at 1:53 pm



  27.  #27Daria on September 10, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    I love how the old guy DISAGREES cuz now I get to see what to respond ;;

    when he says, theres nothing more boring than being in charge of a relationship all the time

    Drat! they cut that off.

  28.  #28Daria on September 10, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    mmm… We are the key to the “feeling world” for men. a diff world yum.

    its been here all along

  29.  #29Lizzie on September 10, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Daria – just wait til you see the guy Tim and how Rori handles him – freaking brilliant!!! and at the end, he is leaning into her so far he is almost in her lap LOL

  30.  #30Jonathon on September 10, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    @Daria, not sure how my comment ended up under yours, actually I was referring to Jacqueline’s #14 comment reminded me of one of Pat Allen workshops.

    I feel very honored all the amazing comments on this thread and I appreciate all who contacted me on my personal page.

    Wishing everyone a FAB weekend.

    Sending you all smiles

  31.  #31Daria on September 10, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Jonathon — yes, I was referring to that comment as well.

    Rori teaches the format:

    I feel…

    I don’t want…

    What do you think?

    as a cornerstone of her work (feeling messages)

  32.  #32Daria on September 10, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Jonathon – ohh i get it! yes i said I’m not Jaqueline because you had directed your q to her, but I answered it.

    I haven’t delved into Pat Allen’s work, but I do think Rori and her have a lot of similarities from what i’ve heard, and I think Rori has been influenced by her

  33.  #33Daria on September 10, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Lizzie that article you linked is awesome!

    i’m going to post it here:

    Activating the feminine energy of love and compassion

    The twin energies of being and becoming
    When we speak about feminine energy, it is important for us to be clear that this is not something exclusive to women. Even defining qualities as ‘feminine’ or ‘masculine’ is a little risky as it begins to create separation.

    However, most of us know in our hearts that there is a difference. For me the best description of this difference comes from the Earth Wisdom teachings which speak of the ‘feminine’ aspect as a ‘being’ energy and the ‘masculine’ as a becoming energy. When we weave these two energies together we create life.

    This feminine being state is receptive, yielding, open and naturally connected to life, love, spirit and all that is. It can also be described as the void, the empty container through which new life is birthed. When we are truly being, truly connected and allowing the grace of life to flow through us, we are experiencing our feminine aspect. We are connected to the energies of love and compassion which flow through us.

    The masculine becoming energy is active, expressive and outgoing. This brings the being energy into form, creating boundaries and manifesting life through action and outward movement. When fear drives us, it’s easy to get stuck in this energy, believing that our constant doing energy will in some way control our outcomes. It is common for men and women alike to completely overlook the power of the being energy letting let fear drive our masculine power to extremes. This can mean fierce conflict and competition, defensiveness and aggression.

    We create from the being state we’re in
    If our state of being is distorted by fear then what we manifest through our becoming energy will be tainted with the same fear. Often I have made decisions about my life from fear that my sense of self will be shattered in some way. I created even more separation from my own authenticity – my true self that allows strength to come from vulnerability and self-acceptance. It wasn’t until I started to slow down all the ‘doing’ stuff masking my fear, that I began to realise how remote my own feminine nature was. I needed to find a way back to balance in myself. Then I could begin to feel the strength of love that had been so suppressed and allow it to guide my actions, decisions, thoughts and words.

    The benefit is simple: the energy that we are being creates our experience of life. As we evolve our lives from a state of love and compassion so we transform our experiences to become those that feed us with the same love and compassion.

    How do we activate this balancing power of love?
    There are many ways to answer this question – one basic step is through intention and spiritual practice. We need to create the space for the being energy to strengthen in us. And this isn’t necessarily easy. In my own attempts to find a deeper sense of connection with love through meditation, I would often find myself swamped by negative emotions and thoughts. I didn’t realise they were negative until I began to take notice of them and their impact. Often I would be driven away from meditation by an intense need to fix my discomfort by distracting myself. Then I realised that I was resisting being present to the pain. This resistance got me no closer to peace it just kept me stuck in my fear. So I began to recognise the subtle ways that my fears were ruling my life. The next step was to address them head on by being with the fear, acknowledging it and accepting its presence.

    So I allowed my practice to become a healing chamber, a place where I could become present to and acknowledge my fears and move through them. It’s not until we have the courage to move through our painful fears that we can then be present with the love and compassion that is hiding out on the other side. What we resist, persists. There is a reason for our pains being present, a message or gift, something for us to learn.

    Here are some of the basic steps that I take in my practice when I am aware that there is fear driving me in some way. The principle is acceptance and integration.

    Sit in a sacred space, relax and hold an intention to be loving and compassionate with yourself. It is important to hold this intention no matter what you are experiencing.

    Acknowledge the feeling of fear – this may be experienced as anger, anxiety, physical pains, restricted breathing, depression etc.

    Feel the feeling and allow it to bring you present. Explore where it manifests in the body and how it feels. Just be aware without judgement of the feeling sensation in the body. Notice it and observe it.

    If it has a voice let it speak to you. Ask it what its purpose is and look to understand the positive intention. You can even see if it has a name. Accept however much or little comes. Receive it.

    Lastly, make a prayer to fully surrender the fear- speak out loud. End with acknowledging gratitude for whatever state of connection with love and compassion you have reached.
    Above all be present and open to Grace.

    from Mission Coach, Coaching on Purpose

  34.  #34Jason Miller on September 10, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    18: Ragnell

    Just curious. How come you want to tell him? Does he not know that you’re attracted to him yet?

  35.  #35Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    He asked me to check good movies to go see tonight. Hmm… I don’t find anything good. What do I tell him?

  36.  #36Daria on September 10, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    Ragnell – Rori recommends not “helping” a man plan dates… including movie watching.

    I personally would not want to do that, I would feel a lil turned off.

    If I didn’t feel turned off, and I did do it – has happened on occasion that I felt excited to do that –

    I would say.

    I didn’t see any movies I liked. What do you think we should do?

  37.  #37Daria on September 10, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    otherwise from the beginning I would say..

    ohh.. i feel a lil weird… i don’t want to help plan the date… that feels a lil bad. I feel good when it when the man is in charge of dating… what do you think?


    it feels better to be the girl and feel curious what the man will come up with to show me a good time… what do you think?

  38.  #38Jason Miller on September 10, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    35: Ragnell

    I agree with Daria in #36. If you want him to be masculine, he needs to initiate, present you with his plan, and you need to tell him if you like his plan or not. Ideally, he should be fine if you don’t want to see the first movie he offers.

    BTW, this is a perfect opportunity for you to TEST his masculine resolve! Have a little fun with it and don’t put too much pressure on the situation.

  39.  #39Jonathon on September 10, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    Hey Daria,

    Thanks for writing back. I love Rori’s work and how much she cares for everyone. The words we choose can make all the difference and when many share the same message, it must be worthy.

    Your comments throughout this thread have been spot on and I am honored to be part of this conversation today.

    I am signing off to meet my Angel Members of my website (aka Jonny’s Angels) a heart centered community of women sharing their relationship experiences as I coach them in the mind of a male brain.

    Sending everyone smiles

  40.  #40Lucy on September 10, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    “Lucy, that sounds like what you were describing yesterday!”

    Thanks for saying that, Brenda! Lol. While reading the article, my eyes were opening wide as I realized — this is what I was talking about yesterday!!!! Yes!!!

    It is NOT asking for too much!!! (Thanks, Tinque, for that. And thank you, Jonathon for confirming it with this synchronous article!)

    I feel happy and hopeful and grateful to God for giving me “signs” from Sirens and Heroes.


  41.  #41Jonathon on September 10, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    Was just walking out the door and my emails drew me back in, received several emails asking if I would allow my article to be posted on their blogs along with my contact info, byline and source info. Of course you may.

  42.  #42Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Well, the guy has to cross half a city with terrible traffic just to come pick me up. That means that if I’m interested in a specific movie at a certain theatre, I have to tell him so we can be there on time. I don’t see that as helping him much, he’s still the one who provides in this situation and he’s just making sure I get what I want.

    This time I told him I could not find any interesting movie for us, but I was open to any suggestion of him. He’s coming to pick me up in about an hour and we’re going to have dinner at a nice little restaurant near my place instead.

    I think that’s much better than the movies. So, it’s going well.

    He said he wants pizza. That’s a display of masculinity, right? Hee hee.

    I’m ready for the yumminess tonight. 🙂

  43.  #43faubourg on September 10, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    i am starting to be a woman of tomorrow….

    tonight i went out again!!

    i went to a massage lesson and first we had an exercise with touching hands to get used to the touch of someone before working on the massage practice itself, i did this exercise with a man at first and i let him do everything and i followed his moves it was amazingly pleasant for me (in salsa class i remember guys telling me : i am the man, you have to follow me, i wouldn’t let them)

    it was a simple exercise but it showed me how much i have changed!

    also when i left i felt like shit! i was with a wonderful friend, someone so caring, the evening was so smooth and interesting! and i felt like shit! just like i came back home like friday feeling like shit

    after years of being stuck on my own i am invited everywhere! i have to say no because it is too much! and i feel like shit?!

    it is such a huge discovery for me, when i feel great something inside of me turns it into : i feel like shit, i really do FEEL like shit it is strong, i cannot smile, my face gets tight, i feel depressed, i feel ashamed, i feel lonely terribly lonely, i feel stupid, i must make a list of this shit feeling because it is so mad!

    i don’t know how to deal with that right away but i will face this now, i remember after the most amazing night of my life with a wonderful man ten years ago, i cried all my tears and i felt like shit!

    he was amazed he couldn’t understand why i was like that, so sad, angry at him, furious, and feeling like i had been rejected, he was impressed by how bad i was feeling when he was madly in love with me and i was the same?!!!

    i am so glad i realized that i have NO reason to feel this way so it is a WRONG message i am getting whenever i am on top of the world

    thank god i am now a woman of tomorrow, it brings a smile back on my face,

    i am out tomorrow afternoon, to visit a museum with another friend and after i am going out in the evening! i am such a busy woman of tomorrow! writing that down a smile comes on my face and straight away i feel the shit feeling oh my god!

    it is sad always to write these things down but gosh it makes me get rid of them! each day i am a new me, rori is a magician!

  44.  #44faubourg on September 10, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    it is 2:20 in Paris…

  45.  #45faubourg on September 10, 2010 at 5:10 pm


  46.  #46Jason Miller on September 10, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    42: Ragnell

    “This time I told him I could not find any interesting movie for us, but I was open to any suggestion of him.”

    Brilliant. Your natural feminine instincts are kicking in and I can’t think of a better way to invite him to suggest something else. It demonstrates that you appreciate his taking the lead without asking him directly to do so. Ah, that makes my heart feel good as a man!

  47.  #47Jacqueline on September 10, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    faubourgh – one time I cried after I had sex with a guy and he was like what is that about? and I said it’s cuz I almost missed this…..maybe it’s a little like you almost missed it and now you’re having it and it’s scary and sad at the same time? I don’t know but I wanted to let you know you are not alone – even in Paris @ 2:30 in the morning….

    Lots of people who can help you here….and something about your story sounds very moving to me, so thank you for being here.

    Soft waves,


  48.  #48Jason Miller on September 10, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    43: faubourg

    Wonderful! I want all women to feel that they are invited everywhere simply because they radiate their natural and healthy feminine energy. I envision a world where it gets easier for men and women to connect. That’s why we have to work together. That’s why I’m doing what I’m doing.

    Faubourg, do you feel guilty when you say no? Is that why it feels like shit?

  49.  #49Lucy on September 10, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    “I envision a world where it gets easier for men and women to connect.”

    Jason, that sounds so wonderful. It shouldn’t be this hard. 🙁

  50.  #50Lizzie on September 10, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Faubourg – I had a similar experience when I was taking massage training. I had selected to work with a woman who was much like myself – a go getter, self-employed, extroverted and full of energy. Within minutes of begining to work with her, I realized I had chosen incorrectly – I believe now it was her overwhelming masculine energy and I was trying to connect in with my feminine energy but I now think that I had too much masculine energy out there and the energy fields were competing big time. I ended up having the worst migraine, serious stress in my shoulders, hips and back, and feelings of overwhelming anger. I was so shocked by my reaction I almost didn’t go back for the second intensive day.

    When I went back, I chose to work with another partner – she was “soft” and incredibly spiritual. She was just amazingly peaceful to work with. I believe I felt the feminine energy! Fabulous!!

    Massage, will trigger very deep feelings that have been dormant or hidden for a long long time. You do have “reason” to feel the way you do. Take the time to explore where this feeling is coming from, surface it and then deal with it. I did find the “source” of the anxiety that was triggered for me – very old feelings of abandonment. I don’t get triggered with that any more. And I love to give awesome massages…!! And I am learning to love my feminine energy.

    As a side note, one of my friends I have not seen for some time, told me today that she felt I had changed this summer – YIPPIE!!!

  51.  #51mary on September 10, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    got a call from my man this afternoon after giving him my speech this morning.

    he said he’s gonna give me a happy ending…

    (mmmm… “happily ever after?”)

    i wonder.


    wouldn’t that just be too easy?

  52.  #52mary on September 10, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    he said we would talk later…

    (cuz i am booked with other people for the weekend.

    happy weekend, everyone!

    stay tuned…

    (this stuff is working… thanks, Rori. thanks, Daria. thanks, Tinque.)

    thank you to everyone else, too!

  53.  #53Lucy on September 10, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    “wouldn’t that just be too easy?”

    Oh, Mary, it would be wonderful for it to be easy for you!! I am voting for you and your easy happily ever after! <3

  54.  #54mary on September 10, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    thanks, lucy.

    wow. i’m starting to get confused…

    is this what i want?

    exclusivity so we can play? no, i really do want a ring. but this stage needs to happen, doesn’t it?

    i know we’ve been talking about it… i don’t know why i’m confused.

    why am i confused?

    i want exclusivity, don’t i? and then what? moving in together? no.

    maybe i’ll just see how it goes, and if no ring in six months, start circular dating?


    feels like i need to establish some kind of rule.

    but i don’t like rules.

    neither does he!!!!

    what now?

    am i going into a trap?

  55.  #55Lucy on September 10, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Ugh. I’m telling myself an unhappy “story” based on some things I noticed tonight, and I can’t seem to stop believing the story and it’s making me feel really sad and mad and hopeless. 🙁

  56.  #56Erika Awakening on September 10, 2010 at 6:41 pm


    I loved the same quotation that Mercedes picked out … that resonated with me so much. That’s why I stopped circular dating, because the clarity of my vision had become so powerful that it was pointless to keep dating men who clearly were not going to be part of that vision. Still recognizing them as perfectly wonderful people, just not my life partner.

    Thanks for sharing,

  57.  #57Jennifer on September 10, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Mercedes…and Jonathon….
    I feel hella synchronicity…
    I was just talking to my G/F about this topic…I didn’t call her The woman of tomorrow…but I was saying to my friend how I was feeling wierd cause it seemed to me that men wanted women who didn’t have thier “lives together”. Couldn’t deal with thier life stuff…didn’t have a financial plan etc. Generally the opposite of me.
    But your posts resonate with me.
    I feel hopeful that even though I generally have it together (not 100% but hey..po body’s nerfect, yeah?)
    there is still room for a man to be a man in my life.
    I just need to find an actual man. Like one who knows how to be a man.
    I was thinking earlier that maybe B abandonded me cause I was too together. There was no space for him to be a man, I not only did MY stuff but his stuff too.
    This may be right…it may be true…but I have decided that being too together and masculin and over functioning did not mean I deserved what happened.
    I will work on being more feminine…but I will NOT feel bad cause I got my shit together. I will NOT.
    There is a man out there…somewhere…that can be a man in my life even though I do not need to be rescued from my life.

  58.  #58Jennifer on September 10, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    of course I generally feel that the “kind” of woman that men want are what ever I feel I’m not in that moment.
    Having said that.
    I STILL choose to believe that there is a man somewhere in the world who can be a man in my life even though I don’t need to be rescued from my life.
    I may have a tshirt made.
    Possibly a coffee cup.

  59.  #59Jason Miller on September 10, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Amen, Jennifer. You don’t need to be rescued. Have fun with your femininity.

  60.  #60Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Hey Jason!

    Thanks for your comments!

    I think it went well. We had dinner at Chili’s. He talked a lot. He asked me what happened the previous night when I called him because I couldn’t sleep. I said “I don’t know, I was feeling anxious. I don’t know why. But you’re the one I turn to when I feel that way, And it works, ’cause you calm me down.”

    I didn’t find the right moment to tell him that I had fallen in love with him. I mean, it’s no secret that I like him, but I’m not sure if I should tell him I feel more than that.

  61.  #61Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    I feel Chipil.

    Chipil is a word used in nahuatl to refer to kids whose moms are pregnant or have a new baby. When used in Spanish and refering to adults, it means something like needing reassurance and demanding attention and wanting to be cuddled. I think I feel chipil about my best friend’s engagement.

  62.  #62janjune on September 10, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    just checking in…. 🙂

    wow… tried to catch up on the blog a little…. but it would take all night just to read the comments on the previous post! will have to stretch it out over the next few nights…


    i don’t think it can get better and then it DOES!

    i feel so happy to read about the sirens working the program… so much insight to be gained from eadh other!
    … so much compassion coming across

    i feel so honored to be part of this community!

  63.  #63janjune on September 10, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    thanks for missing me jacqueline!

    it feels good to be missed…

  64.  #64janjune on September 10, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    @ brenda!!!!!!

    i did get to the part where you and bill had your talk… well, yes, that explains alot.

  65.  #65Jason Miller on September 10, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    60: Ragnell

    Glad it went well. No need to rush into saying anything you’re not fully ready to say. The “love” word will happen spontaneously probably.

  66.  #66Lucy on September 10, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Here ya go, girls — the Anti-Siren:

    I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!!!

  67.  #67Ragnell on September 10, 2010 at 10:43 pm


    It’s just that, when I’m not with him, the need to say I love him feels most urgent. And then when I’m with him, I just can’t find the way to say it.

    But I was touching him tonight and enjoying it. And I told him how good it felt.

  68.  #68janjune on September 11, 2010 at 12:01 am

    thank you thank you thank you to the Sirens for discussing their on line dating experiences on the post before this one.

    i did go ahead and get signed up for okcupid after rori’s post about it and have just sat out there doing nothing basically. i posted one photo and decided alot of the men don’t fill out their profile so i’m not going to either!
    i did answer 11 questions and made them private….

    have had a couple of young guys wanting “to play” 🙂 i guess…

    one guy is ready to have an imaginary instant internet relationship

    one who actually looked and sounded good and says he lives in my area… but when i mentioned that so many people don’t put up CURRENT photos of themselves, his emails petered out…
    thankyou!! 🙂

    then a couple of others that just didn’t go anywhere…

    anyway, i agree with you guys, there seems to be quite a bit of scamming/lying going on and many photos of people when they were thin or had muskles or more hair… 🙂

    that said,
    i do have to say that it is WORTH THE TROUBLE b/c i am learning so much about men…. who i just love love love despite the confusion…

    it’s so much simpler and more effective for me to just put my energy out there in different ways with the men in my real life and see how they respond…so much more comfortable, too… however, i actually DO see where these anonymous, guarded, secretive men do react just and only like men *really* react…
    when they don’t think that they have to worry about a woman’s feelings… 🙂
    i mean, for instance, they seem to feel safer, to “drop” us at EXACTLY THE POINT where they determine we don’t have what they want!! and that has been very interesting!!! (to realize that they are looking for an EXACT person that is based on something in their head that they’ve been carrying around forEVER!!)
    even though i hate having my ego take what feels like a beating by having men i don’t even *want* in the first place drop ME!!! pride… cause i wouldn’t have them anyway… oh well, practice… and we do get to *see* this part of men’s psyche right out in the open by interacting with them online…

    but then it felt good to read (ON HERE) about how the other Sirens realized that if you went out and you saw 100 men maybe you’d only really notice 2 of them, maybe not even that many… so it really is pretty close to the same odds, maybe worse… yeh probably worse… but still…

    i’m feeling so tired need to go to sleep…. wanted to check in and see what was going on!

    goodnight goddessess,heroes, sirens and sailors
    janjune zzzzzzz zz zzz z z z

  69.  #69janjune on September 11, 2010 at 12:05 am

    hi jason!
    glad you’re still with us!

  70.  #70janjune on September 11, 2010 at 12:05 am

    hi jonathan!
    welcome to siren island!

  71.  #71dorothea on September 11, 2010 at 1:02 am

    i was fighting with LI all night, and now his phone is off so I can’t talk to him, and he’s posting cryptic things about being miserable on his facebook.

    i want off this nightmare carousel.

    i need a hug

    i’m not sure how i feel. i feel like i’m being crushed, i suppose.

  72.  #72Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 5:03 am

    Dorthea…*HUG* *Hug*

  73.  #73BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 5:07 am

    #68 Janjune

    OH YES!!!

    We must be on the same dating site LOL!!

    I do think a lot of men on POF are married and just want to email back and forth to escape their boring hum drum lives, only problem is their emails are boring and humdrum too. I call them the dinner and pud men………

    HIm: How was your week?

    Me: Good thanks how about yours? I did xxxxxxxxx and xxxxx

    Him: Good I went for a walk and came back and had a nice roast and a pudding.

    Me: Arrrgggghhhhhh (well only inside) but ya know!!

    Who friggin cares……why can’t you ride in on your white charger with your shiny armour and whisk me away to your beautiful castle in the desert and make love to me all night long whilst beautiful music is playing in the background LOL!!

  74.  #74Mercedes on September 11, 2010 at 6:30 am

    Jennifer: I know for me, my exhusband left me because of a lot of the things Jonathan describes above. I was the wrong woman for him. He needed a housewife…a mother…a woman of yesterday??? Maybe…but I can’t fit that and he was very, very intimidated by me. In the end, when I couldn’t be a barbie doll or trophy wife…well…we couldn’t make it work. I think he found her now and I believe they are happy together.

    For me, I needed a man who had it all together and who isn’t intimidated by a very out there go for it all and rationalize it every step of the way woman. And I found him. And I love him. And he loves me.

    I think sometimes we try to be with someone who fits one part of what we’re looking for (looks or party values or financially able to take care of the other, etc) but we forget to wait for that someone who sparks everything in us and pushes us to go further than we ever dreamed we could. When we do find that though…it is beautiful.

    Much Love,

    (oh and in case anyone is wondering why I’m blogging on the weekends…because I never blog on the weekends…it’s because my dog is an ass and doesn’t care what time it is…and J is busy pretending he can’t hear the barking….) 🙂

  75.  #75Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 6:58 am

    Good Morning Everyone, I woke to the sound of my blackberry pinging to Mercedes message and I thought I would jump in and say hello.

    First let me take a moment in silence to our fallen Americans on this anniversary of 9/11


    Very honored, I am very honored my article generated so much conversation and I truly appreciate all of the kind comments.

    These past 5 1/2 years my journey since my divorce has taken me from what I thought was a happy life to a real exploration into who I am and what my true passion in life.

    My internet (online) dating experiences prepared me for following what I love now, that is sharing my experiences (does that make sense?)

    My life was ego driven before my divorce and the humbling affect of starting over shifted my path to more learning and love for everybody (it’s not all about me).

    Another honor was being invited to joining the group where I met Rori and sharing our stories, she reached out in the truest sense of kindness and provided me mentoring and just giving (she gave me biz advice) which I am very grateful.

    Thank you Rori, you are GREAT!

    btw, Mercedes wish you could have been on my tele class “Achieving Women, Threatened Men” sounds like you might have enjoyed that one. *smiles*

    Have a GREAT weekend everybody

    One last btw, as far as dating sites I have been on POF, Yahoo Personals, Millionaire Match, Chemistry, a couple I can’t remember and the biggie of them all

    However, there is a new and even bigger online service that will top them all in a second.

    Can you guess what it is? (as I smile)


  76.  #76BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 7:50 am

    To all my new American friends on here, know we are thinking of you all today……….

  77.  #77dorothea on September 11, 2010 at 9:51 am

    feeling better today. woke up to a message from LI saying he was sorry and feeling really low about how he handled everything last night, and we had a nice conversation about life and stuff instead of fighting.

    i have a CD tonight with an adorable man. 😀 not LI

    And I quit my stupid job. Well, it’s not stupid, but it’s making me feel bad. It hurts my kidneys to be in this job, haha.

  78.  #78Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 10:41 am

    @janjune…hey! I’ve missed you, thanks for being here.

    @ Dorothea! wow, you’ve been through a hell week huh? I thought LI was Live in? anyway….I hope you and everyone around you can give you some pampering you deserve!!! Hugs….


  79.  #79Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 10:43 am

    @ Mercedes! you never blog on weekends!! and your ass is a dog? Oh, no, your dog is…….Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement and just the thought of you being here makes me happy!

    Happy day J

  80.  #80Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 10:50 am

    HEYYYYYY….I wasn’t sure if it was a BIG secret but now I can post it front page news!!!

    Rori’s got a book on Amazon!!!! and an author’s page and a discussion of said author forum page!!!! Whooo hoooo!!! Go Rori – Amazon was one of the first places I looked for her before I came here. Yes a presence on Amazon is a fabulous way to be connected; the Rori world is going to get even bigger!!!

    I shall in my crowing, defer to another siren who can be the first to post on the author discussion forum, unless….no one does QUICK!!!

    Hugs and v. happy day for Rori Raye!


  81.  #81faubourg on September 11, 2010 at 11:00 am

    i had an appointment this afternoon with a man, he did not show up, he did not call, i called him because he was ten minutes late, i feel so hurt, i feel i have no value at all, he said i thought it was next week! he is trying to fool me or what?! i told him i have to go, i will call you back i can’t hear you very well (i will never call back!)

    it is a good exercise for me to feel what i feel, i do not feel hurt because i did not know him so i don’t care about him and i did not feel the need to use feel messages because i was shocked and because i could not hear him very well for real,

    i feel hurt, pissed, annoyed, abandoned, rejected, erased, killed inside, not a person, not a human being of value but a ghost with no interest for no one, i feel so much swallowed rage, i wish i could feel my rage but i can’t instead my body is like cotton wool, i feel i have no strength in my arms anymore and i feel i am useless and worthless, i feel i don’t exist, i am not alive and i am like a thing, a statue, an alive statue that no one sees as a human being, i wish i could cry but it is stuck i can’t feel the sadness instead i feel ashamed, a big shame on me, i am a walking shame, i feel heavy, my feet are heavy, oh my god this is so huge, i accept to feel everything i feel and do not feel and i feel so much like in a cloud, my sensations are cloudy, really

    i am glad to feel what i feel it is a gift to myself, i deserve better, i deserve him to be there, on time, bring me flowers, red roses, another gift too, a big smile on his face, his eyes filled with happiness to see me, i deserve a ring on my finger huge diamond, i deserve a wedding ring and a man for me, only me, i deserve

    i need and deserve a first great date and a second amazing date and a third absolutely marvelous date and so on, until marriage and a life of wonderful daily dates with my husband

    i am a woman of tomorrow now so this dumb man is vanishing and the man of my dream is coming true right in front of my eyes day after day,
    i wish i could believe it, for now i feel i deserve people to not show up.

  82.  #82Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Faubourg – that is a horrible feeling!! I’m sorry, I had only one or two similar things happen -they won’t all be like that and they are a**es!!! You totally do not deserve that, even the least of a MAN will show up and chat with you -so he is just unable to be a MAN! I hope you can tell yourself a different story soon!


  83.  #83faubourg on September 11, 2010 at 11:41 am

    thank you Jacqueline,
    i really appreciate your support,

  84.  #84Daria on September 11, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Do you know how it feels,
    to wake up with someone that you love?
    It feels so real
    my angel was sent from above
    I like to see her smile
    even when I look in her eyes
    I get butterflies[flies]
    I don’t wanna change
    I don’t wanna change
    I don’t wanna change her love
    I wanna change her last name,
    give her mine, onto her
    but feelings first baby girl you’re my world
    no other girl
    I just wanna make this last forever

    My queen she’s next to me,
    she’s next to me,
    I need
    her loving feel
    her loving feel
    just stay right by my side
    just you and I
    just you and I
    just you and I
    just you and I

  85.  #85Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Okay dokey!! Started a thread on Rori’s tools….anyone want to jump over and elaborate???


  86.  #86Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    this is what I had to say!

    Hi! Rori is the most amazing writer and coach of all things feminine. Her tools are guaranteed to make it easier for women in relationships to communicate, to enjoy and to just feel good. They are easy to follow, as she uses “baby steps,” like simply smiling at a stranger, or dating yourself. We can all use more reminders to pamper ourselves, to listen to our inner voices and to listen more attentively to those we love, or want to know.

    Rori will make it easier for you to communicate your feelings, and she will make it easier for you to feel your feelings, even if they are uncomfortable ones!

    Her blog is a daily festival of discussions; her products are tailored to any situation you might find yourself in, and she herself is the most exciting voice on the dating scene for women!

    You can find it all here – – come and join the fun!

  87.  #87girl on September 11, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    I hate sex. blech blech blech

  88.  #88girl on September 11, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    i feel annoyed angry pressured and icked out. blech.

  89.  #89Mai on September 11, 2010 at 12:54 pm


    im sorry you feel like that… have a long scent-fill bath…with candles.. lather yourself with the best stuff..and get lost in the warmth of the water…give yourself squeezy hugs and maybe masturbate and open up your senses and imagine him desiring you like no other..touching you in all the right places…whatever gets you horny..tell him about it ..maybe pull him into the bath and give him fellatio! …then ravage each other!! wink wink ! remember,men love sex and its one of their ways of connecting with their woman, just like maybe long deep chats and gifts are meaningful to us, sex with you is very important to him. let me know how it goes! 🙂

  90.  #90Diana on September 11, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    I feel in LOVE!!!!!!!

  91.  #91Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    I feel like crap.

  92.  #92Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Long-lost NV’s have suddenly appeared. Like,

    “I hate myself.”

    Where did THAT come from???

  93.  #93Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    Johnathan..I say no fair!!!
    Tell! Tell! Tell!

  94.  #94Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    @ Lucy – ugh! I don’t want you to feel like that; is there anything I can do?! I hate your negative voices and wanna squish them hard til they wiggle and run away. smile….little licorice snake things….gonna melt anyway, who are they to tell YOU things>


    aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh…..yep they’re running – oh, and now I see….what’s that??

    white doves coming with ribbons to festoon you with? multicolored ribbons? sparkling ribbons?

    confetti bursting fireworks firing sparklers sprinkling bits of love and fire….of over them snakes….

    and up you go!

    I think you and Ms. L had entirely too much to drink with those pirates last nite!

    Love to you and the nv’s…..

  95.  #95mary on September 11, 2010 at 3:28 pm


    Jonathan, thank you for this post!

    I’m wondering about the exclusivity thing. It simply seems to me that getting into a sexual relationship begs for exclusivity. I know that rockstar divas can do it without needing to be the only woman around, but… I have a hard time with the health aspect.


    Circular dating until I get the ring means going out with other guys while I’m being exclusive sexually with one guy?


    And him being OKAY with that?


    Jonathan, what do you think? How would you like it if you’ve been dating a really amazing woman (!!!) for two or three months, decided to become exclusive with her and sleep over, make love to her, etc., and she told you that she wants to keep going on other dates because she’s wanting to keep her options open and not put any pressure on you or the relationship? That she’s really wanting to be married, and until she gets a ring, she’ll be shopping around? While you’re having sex with her?

    How would you like that?


    Loaded question; I know.

  96.  #96Erika Awakening on September 11, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Hmmmm … I’m getting that same feeling I got a couple of months ago, where all my energy is pulling inward again …

  97.  #97Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Thanks, Jacqueline.

    “I think you and Ms. L had entirely too much to drink with those pirates last nite!”

    That may be pretty close to the truth! TN man (pirate??) texted me from the bar where he and Interloper were drunk and having a blast. It was a VERY fun convo — made my night! — but it left me thinking that maybe the reason TN man and WH both didn’t choose me is because I’m not quite “wild” enough.

    I used to be more wild — before I got married and had kids.

    Maybe I need to do what Evan Marc Katz said was the guy version of Eat, Pray, Love —- Drink, Play, F*ck. I am totally serious.

    I was also amazed that TN man’s texting was still perfectly grammatically correct, perfect spelling, punctuation, capitalization, etc. even while drunk! I told him he texts better drunk than most people text sober! (I love how he texts so well. Lol.)

    He said drinking doesn’t affect his texting — it just makes him more fun, silly, and uninhibited.

  98.  #98Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Erika, I would love to hear more about that feeling you are having….

  99.  #99FinallyFern on September 11, 2010 at 4:29 pm

    Hello everyone!

    I wrotefor the first time on an older post. Jacqueline was kind enough to direct me here. I love the feel of this being a siren sanctuary!! Anyway, I re-posted my original feelings and questions from the other post as my way of introducing myself. Here i am!

    I need a little reassurance. I had been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. We would normally only see eachother each weekend. After years of stuffing down my feelings and doing the typical things you write about, overfunctioning then complaining etc, I finally let him have it. He has a wonderful knack of distorting the truth and somehow making me the guilty party and turning his lying and cheating around with his woe is me stories of me abandoning him in his time of vulnerability blah blah blah. Can you tell I reached my “what the heck am I doing with him point?”
    As the classic story goes, he of course was a charmer, and elaborate charmer with gifts and grand gestures. In fact early on during the 3 years that we were just friends cuz I did not want to be involved long distance, I often joked with him that I often felt like Cinderella. Once we got together we obviously both brought insecurites into the relationship with us and I do believe we fed off of eachothers until about a year ago, when I felt it was time to get real. I made consessions and excuses of why he secrelty kept his ex strung along ( and lied about it). “Oh he is just afraid of being alone, he has lots of aquaintances and no real friends, he is lonely, he gets scared when he feels I am unhappy with him so he just goes to her so he wont hurt so much”. Do you believe this crap I was telling myself to try to convince myself that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Funny, even when I would try to confront him he would have a line that always felt like it distored my reality. Anyway, I took it for the last time recently. I let him play out his lies and kinda funny but he even downgraded the last one of why he couldnt be with me to an almost normal (believable) excuse i.e no grand jury indictment, no almost fatal crash, or never ending court appearance. You’d die of either laughter of total disbelief if I told you and perhaps sometime I will when time permits. Anyway, the usual cycle happened, he comes up with bs story, I dont believe it and my defenses come up and I get cool, he uses that as perfect excuse to disappear for a few days, then comes back with all the Im sorry stuff….. but this time I just stopped myself. When he was feeding me his excuse, I told him that my instinct told me that somehow I already knew there would be a reason why we wouldnt be able to spend the time together. He of course reacted with how insulting that was to him for me to say that. Isnt it funny though that he never asked me why I felt that way? I stepped back and waited a few days before writing to him my feelings. Basically I told him, you cant have your cake and eat it to. You lied about your ex too many times. If she is willing to spend her life waiting in the wings for you to decide who you want good for her. I am not willing to play second fiddle to any woman, not now not ever. I suspect at some point he will try to contact me and I do not want to get caught up in the “drama” again. I also, do not want to break the 4 rules so my question is this. Is it counter productive for me to call him out on all his crap, or in this instance, is my doing so just my way of FINALLY expressing that I will not tolerate being treated poorly anymore. Is there a better way for me to express that to ensure that I am heard and mean business? In my letter to him I admitted that I had made up excuses because I was afraid of facing the truth knowing once I did, I would have to act on the truth……. basically walk away. I need a bit of support to handle the potential for his onslaught.

    For any ladies reading this, I did go out last night for dinner with a male friend. I felt wonderful and beautiful. I dressed to the nines. In fact, it wasn’t only the man I was with who made me feel that way it was 3 women in their late 70′s at the next table who kept telling the man I was with how gorgeous I was and how stunning my long dress was. I am 46 and hardly gorgeous anymore but it was like you say, let the world give you love, and it will. I feel like I am in a pretty stable spot, but know that my feelings can change if I am worn down, so any support will be greatly appreciated.

    PS. I just ordered Modern Siren ( my third program). Do you think this is the best tool for me at the moment? I thought about toxic man also, but then I felt if I did that it was like putting more energy into fixing things with him and hoping he would change, and I am not sure if that is what I want anymore.

  100.  #100Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    ok so i may be crazy

    but somehow ive tapped into this inner gourmande*&* part of myself.

    i am just eating fat with bread. like fat from this animal that is practically wild. and ate all wild food.

    this grassy cow is like whoa

    i feel like im in the age of my grandparents

    and i feel good about eating fat of the cow which otherwise my guess is is thrown away

    when its so good

    fat packs the most punch for nutrition

    i feel like hella good about myself that im contributing to not wasting the cows life that it becomes part of me now

    like, this fat is useable, i dont want to throw it away,

    we killed this animal to eat it use it and im glad that its honored by me . eating it. instead of not

    alhtough even in landfills eveyrhting becomes part of the earth. or her earrings

  101.  #101Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    the cow was killed. the cow died. i love you cow. thank you beautiful cow that is dead and now you become part of mee

    i eat u

    u eat me


    when i die and i might one day become grass

    tho in a stone grave ill probably feed like bacteria instead

    hi bacteria

  102.  #102Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    i should be on top cheff authentic old world meets modern galactic godess cuisine

  103.  #103Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    #93 Jennifer just did a tele class (doing an encore end of the month) called: Move over, Finding True Love on Facebook…. there is your answer.

    #95 Mary actually that kinda just happened to me, met a girl on Match we went out on two dates I really liked her and she said she wanted to keep her options open. Since I prefer to only date one girl at a time, I kinda said pass (I was sensing she wasn’t really ready for a committed relationship and I am).

    As far as Evan, I think his work is outstanding and he is dead on but we come from different places and we kinda coach two different perspectives. Evan is 37 and just got married last year. I am mid forties divorced man with two children (married 12, divorced 5). Evan has 10+ years of dating experience under his belt I have been dating like on steroid for the past 5 years (until I got burnt out).

    Since most of my clients I work with are women over 35 dating men 40-59 years old, good chance most of them are divorced and/or with kids. I understand the emotional trauma of divorce. I have lived child support, alimony, visitation, custody, family court and the drama first hand. furthermore my circle of male friends are all going through the same thing and we share our stories. Even Dr. Phil has not built the resume I have with dating, sharing relationship stories with women over 10,000 hours of conversation and my divorce (as a man in his 40’s).

    So as I said I bring a different perspective because since I am still single (fell in love 07 and that ending broke my heart) and am very much a hopeful romantic.

    My coaching is more based on Courtship and building friendship first before sex. If you feel the need to keep shoe shopping (that’s what I say to my clients) then your really not going to attract the right pair of shoes. My experience has been if you are dating someone and waiting (hoping) someone better shows up, the universe sees the space filled with the wrong guy.

    Did I make sense?

    #96 Erika, do explain please.

  104.  #104Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    hey u guys i really feel like im living in avatar world.

    which is what i wanted so i guess thats good!

    big ups for me

  105.  #105Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    oops, Lucy brought up Evan, my bad… please don’t put me on blog jail for the mix up.

  106.  #106Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    daria’s tweak:

    if you are dating someone and waiting (hoping) someone better shows up [like someone willing and able to envelop you in the relationship you want], the universe sees the space filled with the wrong guy.

  107.  #107Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    “building friendship first”

    Jonathon — I would love to hear more about your perspective on that!

  108.  #108Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:23 pm

    Daria, before you wrote that, I was thinking, “Sounds like Daria is in avatar world.” 🙂

  109.  #109BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Hi Jonathan #103

    Doesn’t that kind of go against what Rori is teaching here with the Circular Dating, you are comparing it to shoe shopping…….

    Mmmm this is interesting because I have always felt the same way especially meeting men from dating sites, its like they (and you) are always looking over your shoulder for a better pair of shoes (prospect), haven’t even started the CD’ing yet and am finding it kinda difficult to get my head around keeping men on a rotation………

  110.  #110Ragnell on September 11, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Yes, he’s loving me back. He’s not saying it but I’m feeling it and I think he’s doing his best to keep me happy.

  111.  #111Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    So, Jonathon, you were talking to me when you wrote that about Evan? What do you think about my comment that maybe the reason TN man and WH both didn’t choose me is because I’m not quite “wild” enough?? These are the only two men I have really liked in the several years since my marriage ended.

  112.  #112Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:28 pm

    Okay, how bout instead of Drink, Play, F*ck, I do

    Drink, Play, Love.

    Where should I travel to?

  113.  #113Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Welcome, FinallyFern. <3

  114.  #114Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    i;m making tallow. bit by bit. this is kinda cool i feel cool. hehe. i feel very in the spirit of things 0 in that way that is the right way … like kinda sacred and kinda good and free? tho free feels scary right now

    just happy to be doing stuff i had read about and get that feeling that i read about

    about the magical ancestors

  115.  #115Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Hey, Jonathon, wanna be my facebook friend? 🙂

  116.  #116Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Daria, thank you for the correction that is more accurate.

    Lucy, my parent have been married for 58 years they are the best of friends so I guess in a way, I believe that you really only want to spend the rest of your life with your very best friend (not best lover).

    I believe men who go all in are smitten at first and if she feels she is virtuous then he will take the time to get to know her on a friendship when he is ready to stop playing and wants to build a life with someone. Until a man is clear on what he really wants in life he will not make any commitment.

    I am sure some of you may disagree with me, but you understood my coaching and the 7 types of relationships men choose after 40yrs it would make more sense.

  117.  #117Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    sure lucy.. 🙂

  118.  #118Ragnell on September 11, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Thanks! I will no longer feel guilty when I eat fatty foods. I like eating beef and drinking milk and eating cheese. Thank you cows!

  119.  #119BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    #99 FinallyFern

    Sounds like you are doing just great, keep reading and learning on this whole site, so many great Sirens who just “get it” this whole thing is so very different to anything we have all learnt.

    My ex husband was/is a Toxic Man, took me a long time to get out of that one, but thank God I finally did. Lies? Yep heard them all….. Cheating? Yep……and lots more I won’t go into as it is now firmly in my past…………GONE, shut the door!!

  120.  #120Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    My parents have been married 51 years and are very best friends too. 🙂

    In the past, my best relationships started out as friendships. I liked that.

  121.  #121Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    How do I find you on facebook?

  122.  #122Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    yay Ragnelll – i read some stuff by Susun Weed online, it was a poem or a line about the earth births us and then she says… oooh what shall you eat, you eat me! and now i eat you! hehe

    it felt so good and grandmotherly and playful that im eating my grandmother earth and she will eat me back with a smile an love

  123.  #123Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Man, now I feel conflicted.

    I had been planning — IF WH follows through on his statement that he wants to see me again — that I would not miss the chance to have sex with him…and that it would be fun….and maybe make him like me more (cuz I’m so good lol)…..

    But now Jonathon says courtship and friendship first.

    And I like the sound of that.

    But I want WH to know how much fun I can be. Hehee.

    What’s a girl to do???

  124.  #124Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Oh okay, it says Jonathon’s last name on the article. I will look for you on fb.

  125.  #125Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    exploring my sadness about sad love songs:

    i think its a feeling of i finally had it and then it dropped again when i really thought i was safe

    like a jack and rose thing let go of the arm and they go hurtling thru the universe and never see them again and more than half of your heart ripped out so left with a 1/3 heart

    this pain is Wrenching

    who am i to believe that i will ever have true love


    im so sad so sad

    everyones so sad so sad

    no one is happy

    no one has true love

    for very long






    like romeo and juliet

    how sad is that

    how unfair is that

    ouch my heart



    i dont even love anybody


    im all alone

    im so sad


    im so sad


    i think im so cool

    and im really all hard and unapproachable


    i feel like im going numb

    please odnt make me go numb

    i dont want to

    i dont want to keep feeling this way

    i feel so sad

    i feel so sad

    i just saw the lyrics and the outer self of my sking and layer tightened up from my torso up around my h ead

    liek my heart was tight and bracing


    os sad

    its a song about having it

    but i dont 100 believe it

    and not for me

    im too quicky

    my life is too unklinear
    its too scary

    and threating
    and unstable

    and adventurous

    no one wants an adventurous woman to have 5 kids with them

    excet brad

    but he seems kinda whooped lately

    i dono
    i dont wana compete my yman

    or downshine him

    i fee icky and confused

    god and goddess show youreslf to me


    thank you

    i want to see the royal love of true love and what that feels like

    and i want to have it feel it be it

    thank you
















  126.  #126Daria on September 11, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    ill just be woman and be doing this thing with men and they’re all gonna be feeling me and eventually divine masculine will find me or he will become whole from the bits and pieces and feel the truth to me

  127.  #127Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    have a dilema…looking for advice.
    my cousin messaged me tonight to say that one of her co workers “likes me”.
    I am aquainted with this guy.
    He seems like a nice guy.
    I am not attracted to him.
    Idon’t know what to do.
    It seems like a school ground thing….my friend likes your friend.
    He asked me out for a drink “sometime”
    I said ok but I never heard another thing about it.
    I feel a reaching out kinda clingy vibe. But he doesn’t scare me.
    Should I be dating a dude I don’t see a future with?
    I know Rori says yes….
    I just feel yucky about it.

  128.  #128Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Waaaa, I can’t find Jonathon on facebook!

  129.  #129Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Did you mean:jonathan ashley, jonathon astley, jonathon ansley

    No I did not.

    Did I? Does Rori have it right?

  130.  #130Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    #109 BarbinOz

    My take is that dating is really a way to get to know yourself through others and what she teaches is dead on for truly getting clear on what you want. Many man and women who have just ended a marriage should take the time to experience life through a variety of people and they often find what they thought they wanted is not really the relationship that they end up choosing.

    Since I coach women to only choose men who will court (means they are ready for a relationship and to be exclusive). When you are attracted to Peter Pan or the bad boy what do you usually get?

  131.  #131Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    my name is spelled

    Jonathon Aslay

    or use my website and the FB link there

  132.  #132Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    Aha! Rori spelled it wrong in the first paragraph (that’s okay Rori). I found him. Hehe.

  133.  #133BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    I usually get the bad boy myself LOL!!

    Thanks Jonathan, I find all this stuff fascinating and can see how we women get it soooo wrong in so many ways……

  134.  #134BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Jennifer #127

    Yes Rori does say date this guy!!

    Hard to do though when you feel no attraction, I am just learning all this stuff for myself, its only been about 3 weeks since I found Rori and what a Godsend she and this Siren Island have been for me.

  135.  #135Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    I FEEL not excited to date buddy…
    I THINK I need to practice.
    NOW WHAT!?!??!??

  136.  #136Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    Jennifer, Rori says use your boy energy (think) to get you out there dating (feel).

  137.  #137Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    My head is FUKD

  138.  #138BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Lucy #123


    I know Rori says there is no right or wrong time for having sex if that’s what you want…….but you have only had 1 or 2 dates with WH I think as he has dithered about…… why give him the goodies this early into the game? Unless you are one of those women who can disconnect from the emotional side of having sex with a man and be uber cool about it, I feel you are setting yourself up for a hard fall……what do you think about that?

  139.  #139BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    Jennifer # 135

    The Universe has sent you buddy boy to practise on LOL!!

    So just go and do it!! What’s the worst that can happen? You will be bored??

    So keep it to a one hour date, a cappucinno in a nice cafe and if its deadly boring you have only wasted 60 minutes of your life, make your excuses about you have an appointment and leave the table after practising all your Rori stuff for one free hour of therapy 😀

  140.  #140Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    I say no
    no date
    no to a dude who can’t ask me himself and then make a plan
    no no nonono

  141.  #141Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Hey, Barb, thanks for the feedback!

    “Unless you are one of those women who can disconnect from the emotional side of having sex with a man and be uber cool about it…”

    I actually have this weird thing where I feel LESS interested in a guy after having sex with him. I don’t know why. But I am a lil scared that the day may come when I have sex (say, with WH), and I DO feel more attached. But so far, no…..

    I would mostly do it because he really turns me on.

  142.  #142Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Free therapy is valuable
    but so is the plan
    I want the plan

  143.  #143Jennifer on September 11, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    If he asks me himself and makes a plan ……… we go
    if he sends my cousin again
    This is all imaginary
    HE asked me weeks ago. Then nothing….so what?

  144.  #144Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    I have decided that if TN man asks me one more time to come out and visit, I’m gonna go!

    Drink, Play

  145.  #145Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Lucy, RE: #97 – “Maybe I need to do what Evan Marc Katz said was the guy version of Eat, Pray, Love —- Drink, Play, F*ck. I am totally serious.”


  146.  #146Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Friends my internet connection keeps going in and out for the past 30 minutes.

    Lucy, feel free to friend me on FB

    What Rori teaches is outstanding and I highly recommend all of her work.

    When I answer a question I am thinking situational and not always general.

    We both believe (and Evan too) know thyself and claim your worth and never give more than what you get in return.

    As far as sex, my feeling has always been live and let live (do what feels right), but when it comes to men and commitment, he better work for it and he demonstrates he wants exclusivity (if you want a relationship). My guess and this is purely a guess only 1/10 men who sleep with you on the 1st or second date end up in a LTR with you that leads to marriage (if marriage is what you want).

  147.  #147Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 6:30 pm


    What is the new dating website? I feel curious.

  148.  #148Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 6:31 pm


    Why do you think you feel your energy drawing inward?

  149.  #149Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    Hi Brenda!!! Glad I made you laugh!! 😀

  150.  #150Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:32 pm

    ….even tho it was supposed to be very serious.

  151.  #151BarbinOz on September 11, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Lucy #141

    OK then if it feels good for you, then do it!!

    I was of course talking about myself, I just can’t do the sex thing without emotional feelings………

  152.  #152Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Barb, my weird thing is I can have sex with a man and feel very emotionally into him during it — very affectionate and loving and intimate — and do the snuggling thing afterward and feel very connected —
    and then the next day I don’t really care any more. I mean, I still like the guy and care about him, but I don’t feel more attached.

    BUT. It works the opposite for the guy I’m with — HE always falls in love with ME.

    “….only 1/10 men who sleep with you on the 1st or second date end up in a LTR with you that leads to marriage…..” <—-That's what they always end up wanting. 5/6 (and the one that didn't…. well, he couldn't, cuz he was … not actually available….)

  153.  #153Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Jonathon, I friend-requested you. 🙂

  154.  #154Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Where should I go for my Drink, Play, Love journey if TN man does not invite me there again?

  155.  #155Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Lucy, don’t see your friend request

  156.  #156Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Jonathon, it may not look like what you are expecting…. The flower picture on here doesn’t really look like me. 😉

  157.  #157Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 7:05 pm


    I knew you were serious. Just struck me real funny after seeing the movie with you! And having gone that route myself. If you need to get it out of your system, go for it. I myself found it empty. How can you make love when love’s not really there?

    I have been alone and lonely most of my life. I can make myself cum within 5 minutes. But it’s not about pleasure. It’s about companionship.

    Jonathon, I saw your thing above about facebook being the new best dating site. I buy that. thanks!

  158.  #158Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Let me clarify I think Facebook is a great way to make new friends which turns into dates.

    FB has 500mil friends
    Match has 40mil

  159.  #159Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    My evening earlier was spent at a community picnic, which I attended solely for the purpose of meeting single men. I’ve lived most of my life in this community, so I saw about 10 people with whom I’m acquainted. Only one that I knew of was single, a man who I don’t enjoy conversation with because he seems very insensitive and talks a blue streak.

    He came and sat with me and true to form, gnawed my ear off with his nonstop talking. At one point he went into great detail telling me something I already know about. When he stumbled on the facts, I filled in for him. He said, “What? You already knew this?? You let me go into all that when you already heard it??”

    I said, “I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.”

    He continued to talk a blue streak. Finally I got up to leave, since there was no break in his monologue to say I am going. He still kept talking. I started to walk away, and he said, “I hope I didn’t say anything to offend you.”

    I said, “No, I like to have a two-way conversation.”

    He just kept right on talking. Whew, talk about insensitive. I finally just walked away and shook his hand as I left.

    I came home thinking, “No wonder I have limiting beliefs about finding a good man.”

    I felt disappointed, discouraged, and upset. This is par for the course. I came home and binged. I felt horrible. I’ve been reading the blog while watching TV and texting to shift myself out of this all-too-familiar mood.

  160.  #160Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Brenda, yeah, it was kinda meant to be funny, too. 🙂

    I’m not really talking about the same route you took. Not sure I can explain what I mean.

    I agree that it’s about companionship.

    And I changed it to Drink, Play, Love.

    (Although Play might include sex.)

  161.  #161Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 7:14 pm


    Wow, those are impressive statistics! I like it! I like it! I have gotten so many scammers lately on dating sites.

  162.  #162Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    My facebook page is a lot more family-friendly than my dating profiles, though! (Since my kids and my parents are my friends on there!)

  163.  #163Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    Brenda — “I came home thinking, “No wonder I have limiting beliefs about finding a good man.””

    Here you go, just what the doctor ordered, straight from Jonathon’s website:

    “When your belief system (mindset) is that there are no quality or emotionally available men out there, there aren’t. When your belief is abundant, then there are. When you seek only love you see nothing else. Love is when you find someone who is your best friend and you can be yourself around them. When you believe love is possible and you send that energy out, your chances are much greater for finding love then when you believe it will not happen.” — Jonathon Aslay (my newest facebook friend 🙂 )

  164.  #164Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 7:46 pm


    I read that. I just feel a constant pull to return to my old beliefs. Sorta like when I went to a certain grocery store the other day. Twice in the past I got meat there that was starting to rot. Now I don’t trust their meat. I needed meat so I just bought a little bit. True to form, there was brown hamburger under the surface red hamburger that I bought.

    How many times do I buy meat there before I decide their meat is not to be trusted?

    I don’t trust men.

  165.  #165Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    I want to. I try to. But I just feel like giving up. I even feel like giving up on my friendship with Ryan. I was texting a lot back and forth with him tonight. He just digs in his heels at every turn. I started crying when we were texting, and I told him so. He said he was sorry, that he didn’t mean to make me cry. I told him I know you don’t. He was nice about it. But he is so stinkin stubborn and I just want to go far, far away.

  166.  #166Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    I’m on and received a wink from an women and in her bio she shared what her business is.

    I goggled the type of business along with her city. found her company name, read the contact info and then found her FB page (without ever emailing her back). Now I know more about her before I email her. Should I start of with Hi Kathy?

    NO NO, she might freak out… LOL

    Google everything when it comes to dating tons of stuff out there.

  167.  #167Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Jonathon’s a playa!

  168.  #168Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Actually Brenda, I am done playing and truly want to meet someone special and fall in love again. Took me a few years to get over my past love after my divorce. I also realized I had a ton of personal growth work that needed to be done to show up as a real man when I meet my true love. I’m a very hopeful romantic and I really want cupid to shoot me in the butt again.

  169.  #169Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    Brenda, interesting analogy. . .

    There is a pizza place near me, and every single time I have ordered pizza from there, it is undercooked. Blech! So I don’t buy their pizza anymore — I go elsewhere.

    BUT — here’s the amazing part — most of my friends still get pizza from that place (it is the cheapest in town) — and they say it has ALWAYS been the best pizza ever!

    So, do they just undercook it when *I* order it? Or, after the first time it happened, did I fear and expect it would happen again, and so it did???

  170.  #170Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 8:34 pm


    I am sorry. I don’t know you well enough to tease you like that. I know you’re not a playa. I tease people I like. I really like it that you want to get to know a woman as a friend first. I feel the same way. I am far more interested in the heart, mind, and spirit of a man than his body.

  171.  #171Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 8:36 pm


    I hear ya about the pizza. I am just in a black mood tonight, between being talked at for an hour by one of a hundred nerds that have sought me out all my life, and Ryan being stubborn in our texts. I just feel drained. I feel like teasing new male relationship coaches. 🙂

  172.  #172Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 8:39 pm


    Now that I realize what an important tool my facebook profile is, I am thinking about what you said, how yours is family-oriented. So is mine. I have friended my uncles, cousins, brothers, nephews, and nieces.

    I wonder if I should make a separate facebook profile for dating. I think I will. It will take some effort, but then I can present the feminine Brenda, not the slap-you-on-the-back cuz I’ve been known as all my life. What do you think?

  173.  #173Brenda on September 11, 2010 at 8:57 pm


    Good news! Both of our male relationship coach heroes will be participating in the HBR teleclass!!!! We are up to 19 participants! Would anyone else like to join?

  174.  #174Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Jonathon, are you still reading? Using the info on your fb page I found your Match profile in, like, 15 seconds. 🙂

  175.  #175Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    Brenda, sounds like a good idea to make a separate profile for dating. 🙂

  176.  #176Jonathon on September 11, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    yes still reading but shut’n down for the night.

    G nite everyone

  177.  #177Lucy on September 11, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Brenda, how about a reframe? — Lizzie and I talked last night on another thread about a phrase Erika used, and it might be helpful for you here……

    Instead of: “…being talked at for an hour by one of a hundred nerds that have sought me out all my life…”

    Change to: “…spending time with a perfectly wonderful person, just not my life partner….”


  178.  #178Ragnell on September 11, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    I did something I shouldn’t have done and now I feel really stupid and sad and angry at myself and mad at the guy and unwilling to face what I just did and wishing I could stop it and…. and… I need support.

  179.  #179Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    @ Jonathon – wow, that just feels WRONG to me…that poor girl! and you know sharing it on a public forum. I used to get the guy’s real name and area of town and look up his address/deed and sometimes there would clearly be a wife on there, but I want to start a movement here that we don’t post people’s real names, identifying info, etc!!!

    This stuff makes me feel very unsafe on the blog, on the net and in general; it’s also why I’ve got my facebook locked down so tight I doubt anyone can get to me without a friends request – please yall don’t try to prove me wrong!!!

    And Brenda, wasn’t it you whose facebook account was hacked and horribly abused about a month ago?

    I know I’m usually the lone voice of dissent, but please!!! listen and give this issue some thought and the respect for anonymity the internet should provide some thought!!

    Nite, all….

  180.  #180Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    @ Ragnell….I’ve gott get to sleep, but hang in there!


  181.  #181mary on September 12, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Hi Jonathan,

    Thank you so much for your insight on exclusivity. I’ve been confused about it. I found a guy and I want to be exclusive with him, see what we can build, but I’m confused by the idea of not being exclusive until engagement, which seems almost impossible to me, although I understand that it’s happened for some of the women here.

    I’m clearly not understanding the stage where it’s possible to be having sex with one guy and keeping my options open for others. I don’t get it.

    It seems like trying to control the relationship and keep the man’s interest through competition. But what kind of man wants continual competition? A man who is not available for relationship.

    I want to attract a healthy man who can commit. A man who can stay in a relationship with me even when he’s getting what he wants. I want a man with enough self esteem to love me when I show that I love him.

    I don’t want to have tons of men circling around me all the time. That is exhausting. I want only one man.

    Jonathan, just curious: how do you feel about non-romantic things like getting tested before having sex and insisting on exclusivity, including profiles being taken offline… ??? Are those things that you would be willing to do for the right woman?

    I’m sorry these questions are so personal; I’m asking these things of the guy I’m dating and he’s hesitating… they don’t seem like unreasonable things to ask, in my opinion.

    I would love to hear your thoughts when you have time.

    Thank you so much.


  182.  #182faubourg on September 12, 2010 at 12:51 am

    i feel my body is aching with sadness, is that possible?

  183.  #183Jonathon on September 12, 2010 at 2:28 am

    179 Jacqueline, NO that was not her real name (I should have stated that). My point was how easy it is that we can find info on people with very limited data like her biz and city.

    The scary thing indeed is how little privacy we do have. For example: people (scams) can steal (copy) your pic’s from a data site and your profile create a new one a impersonate your profile for money scams.

    While the internet is a great tool and I am a believer in online dating, common sense dictates share very little personal data until you truly know or meet a personal.

    Thank you for pointing that out and I should have been more clear, my bad (am I in blog jail again? lol) just being silly.


  184.  #184Jonathon on September 12, 2010 at 2:43 am

    Mary, there are many types of relationships. For example: casual (NSA), long distances, deeply committed or even open (or swingers). Now dating is the process of picking and choosing who you want to pick for one of the above.

    Now in my opinion if you are in a deeply committed relationship, you are not dating others for the intent is to determine what you want in the long run and you are sharing your lives building a life together.

    I feel there is a difference between spending time with someone vs sharing & building your life with someone.

    That is why I would prefer shifting to “courting”, after you dated enough to truly know what type of man you truly want. As I said before, dating is a way to get to know oneself more than find a mate (but it is that to).

    btw as far as getting tested. Today many people feel that is very important and I know many women who insist on it.

  185.  #185Brenda on September 12, 2010 at 4:36 am


    Yes, my facebook was hacked last month and someone posted nasty comments on my friends’ pages in my name. I closed my account and just reopened it last night after Jonathon’s comments.

    I intend to log out every time and I hope that will make a difference, rather than remain logged in.

  186.  #186Finally Fern on September 12, 2010 at 4:54 am

    Good Morning Everyone!

  187.  #187BarbinOz on September 12, 2010 at 5:17 am

    I was working at the airport tonight and couldn’t get an Internet connection but LUCKILY I had a RR DVD in my laptop 🙂

    Well I watched Disc 3 tonight of Targeting Mr Right and Rori talks quite a bit about sex and I thought of Lucy……

    And Lucy it got me to wondering about these other guys you have had sex with and you weren’t really that bothered the next day, etc, but did you feel the same way about THEM as you do about WH BEFORE the sex??

    I get the feeling you are sooo into WH, you have reconnected, you are excited, you want to have sex with him because he turns you on so much (lucky you LOL!!) but I wonder if you will be able to keep that emotional distance with WH?

    It will be pretty painful if you can’t, believe me 🙁

    Ragnell #178

    What did you do? Email him, text him, lean forward? We are here to support you, we have all done it at one time or another, that’s why we are here, to learn from our and other’s mistakes……..don’t beat yourself up promise?

  188.  #188Brenda on September 12, 2010 at 5:29 am

    Hi Barb,

    I appreciate your comments!

  189.  #189Julia on September 12, 2010 at 5:39 am

    Hi Everyone,
    I’m new to responding on the blog. I would really appreciate some feedback on my situation.
    I decided to make contact with my ex as we have a big group of friends in common, and until now I have had to stay away. My intention was to make peace. I spoke only in feeling terms in the email, and he responded quickly with a phonecall and we met last night for a drink.
    It was slightly awkward at times, he even annoyed me; I tried to stick with feelings and on the whole succeeded. I think this added to the awkwardness, as I think he was used to me taking the lead. He also picked up on the “What do you think?” question in my emails, wanting to know why I was asking. I should point out that he slips in to his feminine energy a lot, much to his frustration.
    There were some nice moments though, when I felt myself let go and enjoyed his company. I so wanted to put my arm through his and hug him, but knew it was a bad idea.
    We left it with the possibility of being friends.
    I didn’t feel good though.
    This morning I felt like I was mourning the relationship again, with a realisation that it wasn’t what I had thought.
    But then I attempted an afternoon with the group of friends we share. He was there, very attentive and buying me a drink. I can’t be friends with him. I still love him. He seems to want to act like we did when we were going out without the commitment.
    For some reason, I don’t believe that he doesn’t have feelings for me. He seems adamant to not have feelings for me, for his life to stay exactly as it is in his safe bubble. I know he is scared.
    Knowing all this makes it even harder, because I just want him to break through the fear and realise he has made a mistake.
    I know I need to move on, and look after myself.
    It feels impossible. I have never felt this much love for anyone before, and I feel so overwhelmed.
    He is such a lovely man in so many ways, so kind and caring. How do I let go of someone who so clearly needs love but is blocking it?
    I know it is his choice and I cannot control him. I just feel so sad, as I can see clearly a potential life together that he has blocked.
    Thanks for reading!

  190.  #190Finally Fern on September 12, 2010 at 5:41 am

    I have a question this morning for anyone who has been there or has some insight to share. Does anyone have a tool to use that may help me from the tennis match that is going on in my head this morning. ( back and forth back and forth).

    After finally confronting the week old “ex’ about his lying and cheating, and how I could not be a part of that. I find myself this morning feeling at one moment almost mournful of the relationship, missing things we did and probably will never do together, feeling a bit envious that his other ex is now going to be the object of his affection, etc.

    Then there is the other side that says, well even if he magically comes forward, is this a good and healthy thing for me? And then I have been going over the qualites that hurt me, lying , cheating, creating smokescreens, blaming, etc. and I seem to be feeling a little shaky in the middle.

    Is this still the fear of believing that there is something better and secure out there. Am I so used to making excuses for him that things that should be a boundary I am making ok?

  191.  #191Finally Fern on September 12, 2010 at 5:44 am

    HI Julia,

    We seem to be struggling with a similar feeling this morning, mourning a recent break up? One thing I am curious about is why the two of you ended things?

    Did he do something that crossed a line or was he just not ready to move forward?

  192.  #192BarbinOz on September 12, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Hey Brenda!! Which comments??

    Are we alone on here tonight? It is 10.50pm here in Sydney, Australia…………..

  193.  #193Rosalie on September 12, 2010 at 6:18 am


    You are doing great, you are lucky! You must be a great girl. Okay I will predict you will have to do now.

    Good news: You are on the right track by finding Rori.
    Bad news: This is only the beginning.
    The best news: Your journey will be great and victorious! 🙂

    Please read everything on the blog until you collapse and eyes are hurt. Take time for it. Start at the Post Directory on the righ with the mostcommented posts.

    Okay so you will have the basic understanding. Please have Rori’s ebook and start practice NOW!
    If you can afford, choose a programme from the catalogue. Trgeting Mr Right, Modern Siren.

    Well I think I gave enough to do for a WEEK’S TIME!!!! 🙂 Will you have time to think about him? Absolutely no! Please start Circular Dating. Do you have other men on the menu hmmm? 🙂

  194.  #194Rosalie on September 12, 2010 at 6:21 am


    If you already have all these info, material I recommend you one thing that I want to do myself: take the most important notes out of the programmes, try to write your OWN how the best is for you. Thoughts you love.

    Then dress up, go out in a park, cafe and read these in a public place.

  195.  #195Ragnell on September 12, 2010 at 7:37 am

    About my mistake: Last night I texted him with an “I love you”. I couldn’t stop myself. The good thing is that I slept better after letting that out, I feel more honest with myself, free to say whatever it is that’s bothering me. (And yes, the loving him and not being able to say it was bothering me a lot.) The bad part is that having said it first make me feel inferior, because almost everyone everywhere says a woman should wait for a man to say it. So instead of enjoying it, I feel vulnerable and I feel stupid and I feel humiliated. And those negative feelings do not come from the guy, it comes from the people who are supposed to give me advice. Annoying irony, isn’t it?

  196.  #196mary on September 12, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Hello Ragnell,

    I feel sad that you’re questioning yourself, but I understand. It’ll be interesting to see how he responds. If he told you first, how would you feel? “Oh. He loves me. Wow, I need to get outta here.” Or would you feel cherished and have a deeper connection to him? Why couldn’t he have those same positive vibes about hearing it from you? I think he could… and who cares who’s first? Some guys are so shy…

    I know; I know. I’ve read the literature. And the literature is a combination of stories about what has happened to people. And generalizations can be drawn.

    But your own story will unfold the way it unfolds! And it will be interesting and curious to see it happen.

    Let me ask you this: if he pulls away after you said you loved him, how would you feel about HIM?

  197.  #197Julia on September 12, 2010 at 10:42 am

    Thanks Rosalie.
    I have been reading Rori’s blog for three months now, have the E-book and the connect with your heart programme.
    I am not circular dating yet. I have been in such a dark place, I feel like I just want to date myself for a while.
    There was a definite change in my meeting with my ex, and I feel glad that I have been completely authentic with him. This is a big hurdle for me.
    I have decided to just go off radar again, try to detach myself from him. It feels scarey but I know it is the right thing to do for the both of us. I just wish it could be easier!

  198.  #198Ragnell on September 12, 2010 at 10:59 am


    Thanks a lot for caring. He still hasn’t said anything. And I don’t think he needs to say anything. After all, I am not asking, I’m declaring, so no answer is necessary.

    I just hope that he can feel that connection too. It’s there. I’m not making it up.

    If he pulls away, I’ll know he was not sincere in his actions. If he wants me to believe that those little details he does with me is not a sign of love, I’ll call bullshit.

  199.  #199girl on September 12, 2010 at 11:47 am

    How significant do you believe sex is? I love my boyfriend, we are terrific friends, but I wish we never ever had to have sex again. We’ve been together about 3 months, and I only felt into sex the first couple of times we did it.
    In general, I haven’t enjoyed sex in 7 years, and when I did, I was 22 and the sex was with a man who was more friend than lover, and marijuana was center stage of our relationship, which lasted about 9 months. Lately, I feel a complete aversion to sex. Last night I went ahead and had some, but I hated it. I know my boyfriend is aware that I have been putting off sex, but we haven’t talked about it. Is this something I can share with him (that i abhor sex? and I don’t feel sexually attracted to him??)
    I don’t like sexual touches or kisses or anything to do with sex. I feel troubled cause we do have a great relationship. I would appreciate any insight you might have…What do you think?

  200.  #200girl on September 12, 2010 at 11:49 am

    Whoa, I meant that the man from the past was more LOVER than friend. I didn’t much care to explore any aspect of our relationship besides sex.

  201.  #201Ragnell on September 12, 2010 at 12:00 pm


    Maybe you can try exploring and enjoying your bodies in ways that are different to what you are used to. Find out what feels good. Maybe take a bath together or give each other massages or whatever feels good…

    Give yourself time and the chance to enjoy it.

  202.  #202girl on September 12, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    I just feel like saying NO. I feel angry. Last night when we had sex, I felt irritated by every touch, and I was screwing him angrily, like “just hurry up and cum!” I feel grossed out. Like sex is like going to the bathroom or something. I often find him cute and adorable, but rarely do I find him sexy. I feel guilty admitting it, but I feel turned off by his body. So, I wonder, is it worth ending a relationship for? And with someone else who I find sexier, as we age, they are unlikely to look like a stud forever. and ‘studs’ haven’t made reliable dating partners. He is calling me now, and I don’t even feel like answering cause I still feel irrationally pissed off about sex. The whole time we were having sex, I was thinking about how I could just break up with him right then. Or maybe tomorrow. And I was thinking how that might not be so bad so that I don’t have to deal with this irritating disgusting feeling for the rest of my life.

  203.  #203Brenda on September 12, 2010 at 12:23 pm


    Have you been sexually abused in the past?

    If it were me, I would most definitely discuss my feelings of disgust and nausea with a man. You are not serving yourself to be forcing yourself to do something that you hate so much inside. Maybe if you bare your feelings, you and your man can discuss it, and you might be surprised to find it be a thing that ultimately brings you closer together.

    The way you are continuing to force yourself to have sex with him, you are reinforcing your feelings of disgust, and you are moving further and further away from him.

  204.  #204Renee on September 12, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Hi All — Seems like things have been as busy as ever on Siren Island!

    Girl — I really feel for you in the fact that you’re not enjoying sex with your boyfriend…for me, that would be a deal-breaker, but I generally enjoy sex with someone I’m attracted to. It sounds, however, like you’re not attracted to him in one of the primary ways one needs to be attracted to a future husband…yes, looks fade over time, but if you at least have the memories of how hot someone was, I think it gives you some “feel good” memories to return to as you get older.

    Lucy — I worry about your wanting to have sex with WH. I know you say you don’t get attached to men when you have sex with them (which is the opposite of my experience) but I agree with an earlier poster who wondered if with these other men, you were not as into them in the first place and therefore were less likely to become more smitten once you’d been physically intimate with them.

    Mary — I have the same questions as you regarding exclusivity…I’ve discussed the idea of circular dating with men I’ve gone out with lately, and the reaction hasn’t been positive. In general, they agreed that unless you’re engaged, you’re still just ‘dating’, but they just didn’t see the point of continuing to date other people if you have a special connection with one person and I definitely see their point.

    On the other hand, I’ve done this time and time again and things have not worked out (I’ve never been married), but I really don’t know what the right way to go is. At the moment, I’m leaning towards continuing to date other people for the first 5 or 6 dates with someone but if I’m into them at that point, I would probably agree to being exclusive. I just didn’t feel getting exclusive with cougar man because overall, he just wasn’t a good fit for me (and the age really had nothing to do with it).

    Jonathon — I don’t know if you’ll get this far in my post, but if you do read this, I’m curious about something…if what I’m looking for is to get married, should I generally avoid men who have been divorced only a year or so? I have a date tonight with someone who seems fun, but A. I’m a little afraid he may be a player and B. He’s only been divorced 1.5 yrs, so if we were to hit it off, I just have to wonder if he wouldn’t resist moving forward just based on principle.

    Also — is it ok to teasingly ask someone on a first date if they prefer dating around to being exclusive with one person? I mean, I’m going to meet this guy tonight regardless of his intentions, but I’d put him in the category of “someone to hang out with if you don’t have other plans” if I knew he wasn’t serious about looking for a relationship.

    As for a general update (for any of you who are still reading at this point, lol), I went to the football game with Blondie yesterday and had a ‘nice’ time, but not a blast. He insisted on having me meet his parents (what is up with all these men wanting me to meet their parents after the 4th or 5th date?) and also reaaaaally wanted to meet mine, so we visited briefly with my parents at half time as well.

    Then I disappointed him today by telling him I wasn’t sure what I wanted with him because I wasn’t sure we had enough chemistry. Sigh. I mean, he’s a great guy and on paper, we’re a great match but I just don’t get all tingly when he kisses me and I want that. Do you think it’s possible that physical chemistry can grow over time?

  205.  #205Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Hi, Ladies!!!! Big hugs to you all….

    @ Girl – sometimes I feel that way too; and I’ve never been abused at all – it comes and goes, and I’ve just been staying true(er) to myself to NOT do it when I don’t want to. I think it has to do with unexpressed anger at my partner? But I had a rule where I would not use sex as any kind of control, nor lack of so I did it whether I wanted to or not…and felt like you’re describing. Thank you for your braveness, and I think I would maybe try bubble baths, cuddle time, etc. etc. before I cut him loose – cuz it might be you and your stuff, you know?

    @ Renee – I think that if you’re going to sleep with them you are by default exclusive – for me cuz I’ve never been able to “date” others if I were sleeping with someone. So, what’s a few weeks of exclusivity as long as you quickly determine if you’re moving forward, and hopefully can discuss it?

    1.5 years is actually I think I read the point where they switch back into relationship mode – I’d go more by wether they’d had a significant person since their divorce, so I wouldn’t be fallback girl….and there’s only this tiny window of time between when they decide they’re ready and when the act, 1.5 – 2.5 years maybe? if they are ever going to remarry – at least thats what a lot of guys told me, Jonathon will know more/better. Sounds like you are doing really well, tho?

  206.  #206girl on September 12, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    thanks, that’s helpful…
    No, I haven’t been sexually abused – not sure what my deal is. Things just got worse cause I called him back and he revealed that he has decided to reject a promotion that would take him across country. He was expecting me to be happy about his decision, but I was quiet and distant. So now he feels worried. He’s at work, so I don’t feel like telling him how disgusted I am by our sex right now. But I don’t feel good about him passing up an opportunity for the sake or our relationship, since I currently feel more interested in breaking up than in staying together. He’s a fantastic guy, but I am struggling with the idea of committing to someone I am not sexually attracted to. I don’t know that I am capable of having hot sex in a ‘serious’ relationship. The only thing more miserable than the idea of ending up in a marriage of gross-me-out sex, is the idea of ending up alone and wondering ‘what if?’
    Right now, I feel angry at him for his needs – I feel disgusted and guilty and sad.

  207.  #207Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    @ faubourg – yes!!! the body aches when the heart aches, and mine aches just thinking of lovely you there alone…..hugs…..

    and to all yall….big shoutouts!!!

    Brenda – thanks for answering, I like Lucy’s idea of a separate profile for dating…very cool. Which is crazy cuz I dated off Craigslist…and won’t open up on facebook?

    oh, well, girls you know my motto – get their social, run a background check as soon as you can….
    owww! was that a tomatoe or a brick?!!!

    Peace and luv,

  208.  #208Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    I got an article published @ mysticdreams! What does anyone/everyone think about tarot cards? Here’s the link –

    and do you all think I should put this on blog? I’m waffling about how controversial I want to be….but controversy might just be the name of the game.

    Athol’s interview got 27 comments….and all the other “nice” ones? not so much!

    Honest blog feedback appreciated – even in boy voice and constructive criticism welcome!!!


  209.  #209Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Girl – OMGosh yeah, that takes it to another level….ugh….hope some sirens can give you the perfect advice – that actually sounds like something I’d write a letter to Rori on. What do you think?

  210.  #210Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    PS It’s mysticgames!!! sorry…and it’s free and I think, fun!

  211.  #211Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Celebrating … 🙂

    First, I helped one of my long-term clients manifest a girlfriend out of nowhere. Now, I helped him manifest a bank loan that he thought was “impossible” to buy a house for him and his girlfriend. 🙂 🙂 🙂


    Now that deserves a nice soak in the hot tub before moving on to my next series of sessions today 🙂

  212.  #212Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    And most of the financial blocks went back to ONE memory from his childhood (nicknamed the “no cash policy”) … once we cleared the emotional charge around that incident, things opened up in a huge way 🙂

  213.  #213Renee on September 12, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Jaqueline — Yes, overall I’m doing well, though I do miss cougar man from time to time (I think I miss having sex as much as anything, lol). Of course, I’m not really “into” anyone right now, though, so I’m not having to face that fear of being abandoned because I care. That’s one of the biggies I’ll have to work on if/when I come to care for someone again, but I’m definitely planning to take it slooooow with Mr. Recently Divorced…interesting perspective on how long it takes a man to get over a divorce, though…I’ll definitely take that into account with this guy.

    Brenda — I hope you don’t get discouraged just because of your experience w/Mr. Blowhard at the picnic. I do believe that if you have the belief there aren’t any good men out there that there won’t be, but if you have the belief that there are, well, you know what I’m getting at. I still feel worried about your continued ‘friendship’ w/Ryan because it seems like it inevitably hurts you more than it helps you, but I guess you have to do what you have to do. Lord knows I’ve messed up by staying in contact with exes who were certainly doing me no favors, so I get the allure…but I do feel it’s helped me move on since I finally cut off contact with Mr. Nashville…what do you think?

  214.  #214Renee on September 12, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Girl — do you think perhaps you’re holding onto your boyfriend because you’re afraid of being alone? Not having hot sex would be a deal-breaker for most people I know…not that my ideal man has to be the best lover I’ve ever had (although that would be nice!) but it’s got to be passionate and enjoyable. What do you think?

  215.  #215girl on September 12, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Jacqueline and Renee,
    I appreciate your insight. I think it’s a combination of my stuff and the fact that I’m not attracted to him like I hoped I would be to my future husband. I have definitely avoided sex when I don’t want to do it, but he continues to pursue it until I eventually (angrily) give in (over the course of several days). I can’t believe he doesn’t even seem to know I’m angry, and that pisses me off even more. blech. and I feel more guilty. He talks about wanting to lose weight, and I think that will definitely help. I feel grossed out by our jiggling fat sex. guilt. but then I think about the fun things we’re supposed to do – like the beer dinner on Wednesday, and a fancy meal at his restaurant Friday and I don’t want to miss those things (although, they make me think about how much fatter and grosser our sex is going to be).
    I know that me putting off sex was making him mad. Last night, I was being super duper sweet to him cause I know that he had been tolerating me running away from sex for almost a week, but I could sense that he was angry about it. I tried to prolong the inevitable -by taking forever to get ready for bed, hoping he would fall asleep; popping all my joints when he tried to get close to avoid intimacy; but then he started to whine about it, so I just gave in. One or the other of us has to sacrifice our needs. Maybe that’s what relationships are all about. blech. Makes me want to be a cat lady.

  216.  #216girl on September 12, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    I’m not afraid of being alone, I’m comfortable being alone. If anything, I’m scared of intimacy.

  217.  #217girl on September 12, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks for sharing your article. Very cool! I feel inspired to buy some Tarot Cards now.

  218.  #218Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Girl, I am just getting caught up on this thread and here is my perspective on sex. Lets just begin my my stating that sex is very important in a relationship and is now a deal breaker for me (and I will laugh at myself and say that if I had the last 30 years to live over again, I would be a slut! LOL!!!)

    OK now… you have two things going on –
    1) you don’t like sex
    2) you especially don’t like sex with your boyfriend

    These are two separate issues and need to be explored separately and in that order.

    Let me just assume you don’t have cash to go spend some time with a sex therapist so here are a few resources. Dr. Laura Berman (do I have that right?) has a great website and tools. As well, I recommend you get 2 books: She Comes First; and naturally the other one, He Comes Second. Now don’t go asking me to find the author because my kids are around….

    In my city, there is a wonderful shop that has a bunch of workshops completely focused on women’s sexuality. Try looking for such sessions in your own city. There will be some terrific low cost resources for you.

    The bottom line is that there are some kind of internal workings going on that are blocking your ability to enjoy what your body can give to you. Your body is a luscious beautiful thing for you to experience and enjoy.

    The next thing is what to do with the boyfriend…who knows at this stage if it is all caught up in the issues of #1 or if he is a “lost cause” and I would suggest to you that dumping him right now might not be the best route to take. Begin by learning how to feel your body and your pleasure processes first.

    I was married to a gay man. I didn’t realize it until well into the marriage. I thought I was marrying a guy who really wanted to save himself. Honourable, but I will never do that again!!! What happened over the years was something totally bizarre – I had been quite sexual and very very sensual before I met him. In hindsight, he was a lousy lover and all the books I bought for him were not even cracked open. By the time we divorced, I thought sex was awful and it had been years since I was touched – not even hugged. He kept on trying to tell me that sex was not important and would just die away – well he was right, it wasn’t important to him, and it did die away – to the point where a few of my friends actually thought I was the one who is gay! OMG!!! I laugh about that now.

    And I have only felt lusted after with 2 guys since becoming single – but that is besides the point. At one point, when I was making an effort to get pregnant, I would actually throw-up and writhe with pain after sex. I had to discuss it with the fertility specialist I went to because we were supposed to have sex after every AIT – it was so awful! I realized when I became single that being sick and in extreme pain after sex was actually a dramatic emotional blockage I had been carrying around. It was quite scary for me actually. But now I am fine.

    So all that to say, some real exploration needs to take place for you. Sexual pleasure is a huge gift your body has to give to you and I encourage you to learn and explore and get some resources to help you with all of that.

    THEN – he he he….go get some toys!!!……and if you need to change men – go get one who really knows how to make totally awesome love to you – sigh….magic!

  219.  #219Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 1:32 pm


    I felt intrigued by something you wrote a few days ago about getting prior relationships resolved. I personally am NOT a fan of cutting off contact with exes … and for a different reason than I sometimes hear expressed here … it’s because when I’ve tried that, I found that the “unresolved” issues just traveled with me, and manifested in new relationships … and ultimately I went back to the people the issues were unresolved with, had healing conversations, and that’s when things transformed (usually after doing much inner work first) …

    That’s a different process for me than organically “letting someone go” not because I’m forcing myself to do so but simply because the relationship feels finished …

    That resonate with anyone?

  220.  #220Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Girl, oh he is fat? well, sadly that doesn’t work for me. My man must be able to stand up tall, look down and be able to see his special parts. If he can’t do that, I won’t play with him. When I hug him, I need full body contact. If his belly sticks out so that I can’t feel his groin, then it isn’t happening for me.

    Oh, that is revealing.

    Anyway, that could be solved with a diet.

    Now what would be the feeling message there???

    “Oh I feel so yucky not being able to feel my sweetie the way that really turns me on….the fat has to go…what do you think?” OMG that is sooooo bad and soul destroying….

  221.  #221Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    Time for an experiment:

    I am going to allow myself to be depressed until the right man shows up. !!!

    Rori says try something different from what you’ve been doing, right?

    That’s my something different.

    No more Ms. Happy Girl.

    For a couple weeks I have been feeling both annoyed and intrigued by these words I read from Bob Grant:

    “I’ve always found it quite amazing to observe
    how dramatically a woman’s life changes when
    she has the enduring devotion of the man she

    Now I’m going to incorporate Bob’s sentiment into my experiment.

    This could be interesting…..

    Or terribly boring.

  222.  #222Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Lizzie and Girl — My sister says her hubby’s fat belly is a total turn-off during sex — they have been married for, like 25 years, and he was a semi-pro soccer player when they met. She just tells him flat-out (and he does the same to/for her when he doesn’t like how she looks — which I personally would find horrifying).

    Ooh, this makes me worry about my own somewhat bulgy belly. 🙁

  223.  #223Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    My belly is soft and easily allows for full body contact when hugging though (Lizzie’s test). 🙂

  224.  #224Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    hey! Erika….most of my exes and I talk. I think the one’s that really count – maybe 6? would like even loan me money or something if I needed it. Rori says closure is way overrated, but the women here and those that write to me need SOMETHING…and yes, they could probably tap it out….but it is HARD to no contact, ever. Even my ex husband from 20 years ago writes me…..I don’t put up a wall….and I don’t remember what I said? I just know it hurts a lot of women here to go cold turkey.

    Girl, thank you for the tarot comment!!!!!

    Re; fat sex, he can just get behind you, and Lizzie is waaaay better at therapy stuff. So I have just one question -and THIS is the make or break in a sex/body thing really from what I’ve felt and/or read – his underarm oder….does it make you wanna puke or smell good to you? In a funny way, that is what determines if I can tolerate a man or have to move on, and it’s like got all this hormonal/chemical stuff attached to it. But bottom line is if you hate it, eventually you will leave. In the meantime, you know we rarely talk about what we get out of the relationship that we don’t want – but there are always perks, for example “his” restaurant. I imagine you are treated like a queen there? I dated a head chef once and OMG, they are like Rock N Roll royalty – had no idea….and I dated the owner of the rock and roll bar, and that was the same – you are part of the mystique, etc. And I say there’s nothing wrong with enjoying that part of it…and if you stay to work on/out issues, you stay. If you go, it is pretty much a guarantee that you will spend some time alone and probably miserable. Are you strong enough to do that now? or do you need a timeline?


  225.  #225Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Erica, I feel much the same way. I don’t feel comfortable with “suspended animation”. I grow to like a person and feel more satisfied and connected if I can move the relationship to a different state. It might take a while for me to get there but it helps me quiet my internal demons if I give myself permission to go that route. I have developed a wonderful relationship with a former lover and am really glad I did as he is introducing me to potential new men – how funny is that?

    I feel a great deal of sadness over what happened with my ex H who has acted in bad faith with myself and our children since he came out as gay. It is truly a tragedy as he has abandoned and refuses to have anything to do with our children. I had always thought we could have become very good friends as we had worked together and got along incredibly well over the years. It has been 6 years now and although I have done a great deal of work on exorcizing the demons around him, I do feel that that trauma still lurks and pops out by surprise at the oddest of times. Sometime I wish I could sit across from him and ask him what drove him to become so mean. I just don’t think that will ever happen and in this case, he would have to extend the invitation. I have always left the door open, in-fact much to my lawyer’s chagrin, I wrote him a letter last year indicating that I would support my kids desire to seek him out at any time they wished and at any time in their life and that I hoped he would receive them. I never go a response.

  226.  #226Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 1:56 pm


    I already got a positive “sign” within ten minutes of starting my experiment!


  227.  #227Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    “Be surprised.”


  228.  #228Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Lucy, I like your experiment.

    Lizzie, yeah, suspended animation that’s a really beautiful way to put it … it just seems to go round and round in my head if I try to cut it off …

    I don’t advocate staying in pain, of course, either … I more look at it this way … if I feel unresolved with a man, either I am meant to be with him or I’m not … but I want it to be a clear “yes” or a clear “no” because it’s the in between that creates suffering … so if it’s not a clear yes or a clear no, I know I have something that needs healing … and I’d like to continue communicating with him as a way of helping me find what still needs healing … always with a focus on doing the inner work rather than “getting” something from him …

  229.  #229Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Really, Erika? You like it? I feel surprised! 🙂

  230.  #230Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Erica – may I ask, do you make the call and request a meeting? Can you describe some of the steps you have taken – I ask because I found myself wondering about a guy I had an amazing connection with last summer and it came to such an odd ending – I have been thinking of him lately and really want to know how he is (he had so much going on in his life when we met – heart attack; being brought back to life; father of 3 boys with one in trouble; his great job coming to an end…) – I have been wanting to send him a note or to meet for coffee. I am also thinking that I now understand why it would not have worked between us and wanted to check that out with him.

  231.  #231girl on September 12, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Yeah, it’s mostly the fat that is grossing me out. I have had amazing sex before. like I said, it’s been a while, and it wasn’t part of a serious relationship – so I’m open to the possibility that I have some sort of hang up, but I consider myself pretty sensual and sexy and capable of hot sex. When i looked down last night, I felt grossed out that it looked like he had breasts, and I absolutely cannot stand it when he is on top of me – his belly feels super soft when it hangs down on me. I feel disgusted. When I’m on top, I close my eyes and I can just feel him inside of me, which is much better. But all of his touches irritate me – he rubs my nipples in a way that creates irritating friction, and it all just feels disconnected and like some gross need being fulfilled. I know what it feels like to make love. It feels beautiful and connected and deep and out of this world good. I feel grossed out by the fatness. and I don’t like the way he touches me. Kissing feels annoying. I’ve wrote about it on here several times. Sometimes it’s okay, but lots of times I just feel so angry that we don’t connect in a sexy way. I can feel him wanting me, and I can feel him finding me sexy, but it’s like he can’t match me or reach me (I realize I’m ‘blaming’ him – that is my point of view, and i do feel angry about it). Like we’ll start a nice kiss. And then he’ll open his mouth and it gets all slobbery and disgusting and it may as well be his belly all over me. I feel so mean!! My jaw is clenching and I feel so pissed about this.
    The pattern has been that every few weeks, I feel totally disconnected and ready to maybe call it quits, but then we get through the ugly part, and then things have been pretty wonderful in many ways, and the things I don’t like so much are minimized in comparison to what’s good. But then they eventually come to the forefront, like right now.
    I can still find my warm feelings of adoration for him, and right now, they feel about equal to my feelings of disgust.

  232.  #232Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Lucy, yes, I gotta run right now but if I have a bit of time I’ll circle back later …

    Lizzie, also I wish I had more time right now … short answer, and this probably goes against the advice of every dating and relationship expert except me, lol, if it feels important enough, not only will I request the meeting, I will keep right on requesting communication, no matter how many times he says no, until he says yes … and that entire time I’ll be doing my inner work …

    This takes a lot of willingness to face one’s fears …

  233.  #233girl on September 12, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Lucy, your experiment sounds good to me, too – like you might be able to find your ‘bottom’, and then things can only get better from there.

  234.  #234Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    I look fear and “rejection” in the face, and I say: “You no longer have any power over me.”

  235.  #235girl on September 12, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    yeah, the chef thing is cool, and there are perks to the relationship for sure. Most of the time, things are great.

    And actually, one thing I have noticed about myself, is that I get really pissed when i don’t get my way. Like Friday, I wanted to go to a dance party, but D’s sister wanted us to stop by her apartment. And I was kind of a sulky baby about it – i felt irritated, and I couldn’t decide what/where to eat…I just felt sulky and down. and with sex, yeah I’m turned off by his belly and his touches, but mostly I feel pissed off that I’m doing what he wants and not what I want. And I can be super sexy, when sex is what I want. And I can be good company when hanging out is what I want. I feel like a brat.

  236.  #236Renee on September 12, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Lucy — I’m dying to know — what’s the sign? The surprise? Please tell!

  237.  #237girl on September 12, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    I remember in 6th grade, Ms.Dickson said something about what a cute sweet girl I was except when I don’t get my way. And I was like “Whaaaa?” And she said that I sulk and pout. I had no idea, but when I get pissed off, I eventually remember what Ms.Dickson said about me, and I realize that that I’m doing what she was noticing. I’m still not sure how to take responsibility for this. Do I suck it up and put my best foot forward under the circumstances, or do I reject what I don’t like and insist on ‘my way.’ I rarely find much pay off for sucking it up. I almost always feel ‘proven right’ about how I KNEW I didn’t like whatever I was hating

  238.  #238girl on September 12, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    all this fat talk is making me want to go exercise. I’m off for a jog.

  239.  #239Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    Girl – wow, do you sound like me!!! so, kissing can be taught, make em sit on their hands and tell em to mirror you – don’t let him get on top of you and smother you and I think you just hate him sometimes and that’s what it shows up as? I have some kinkier suggestions but you have to email me, cuz there’s a GUY on this thread somewhere and I’m not gonna be red faced when he shows back up….har….

  240.  #240tinque on September 12, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    girl – It sounds to me like there is NO chemistry for you here, for if there was, none of this would bother you.
    As you know looks fade, his and yours, but if there is something intangible, such as his personal smell as Lizzie pointed which for me is behind his ears, then his looks, his belly, his man boobs won’t matter a lick. The feelings will still surge within you, the love, the lust.
    Something to consider.

  241.  #241tinque on September 12, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Renee – “Do you think it’s possible that physical chemistry can grow over time?”

    Yes most definitely.

  242.  #242tinque on September 12, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    As for keeping in contact with exes. I have never and do not regret it. The past is passed, and for me it belongs in the past. Unless there are children involved, I don’t feel a need. At all.

  243.  #243Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    @ Lizzie – go Erika go….yep, there’s a Miranda Lambert crazy ex girlfriend song….and she says, them pretty girls are all the same but they’re da** well gonna know my name. If I need/want to talk I will just not stop until I do – it’s part of my new kick it to see if it’s dead program. rofl….really, if the relationships DEAD what does it matter? do what you need to do, unless they are 1. narcisstic or 2. will not react and nothing you do gets a reaction….and you get tired enough of it. Note: I only did that with my last ex, the others we sailed right on through as friends….but then my last ex was textbook Narccisstic!

    But yeah, reaching out to a guy as a how are you friend thing? Not even what I think Rori’s tools are for! They are humans first and everyone likes to feel cared about/looked after. Only if they misinterpret your reaching out is/could there be a problem.

    ‘kay all….I’m off to chat up my own guy, catch up later.


  244.  #244Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    hiya! Tinque…the smell thing was me, and I’ve never noticed a smell behind the ears??? have you read/heard more about the armpit thing? Interesting the only guy that ever told me he didn’t like MY armpit smell….felt like an annoying lump in his non sexuality way to me, in bed. Har…

    waving bye for now…

  245.  #245faubourg on September 12, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    i must say that i am fed up with people telling me what i should feel or think!

    i have a pb with this blog 😉 because i learn so much how to treat myself with respect and to be self confident about it that i cannot stand people not respecting me anymore, i react very strongly and firmly now! i can’t help it it is like a reflex,

    today i had these two ladies telling me that i should take shit and crumbs and i said no! i do not want to take shit and crumbs hell no!

    i was listening to them and i was thinking they are trying to make me tolerate something that my heart soul and body are yelling me not to accept!
    i feel lonely and sad because i needed (i thought so) their support, the more i “explained” myself the more they would not “hear” me, it was like a conspiracy i thought, one even cried (i could not care less), i should be the one crying here! what on earth is going on here! all is upside down, i need to put my values back on track and separate the right from the wrong!

    and also i am not going to reply to this man who calls me today to tell me that he apologizes for not being here for me yesterday, I NEEDED HIM TO BE THERE YESTERDAY today it is too late,

    i feel triggered because i have had several people this week telling me that i shouldn’t feel what i feel, that i am wrong to be furious at people not showing up when we have made an appointment, i feel really mad and so furious and deeply hurt and these people keep telling me : you should be patient, you should give them the benefit of the doubt, you should not react this way, you should understand him or her, she is weak, she is bla bla bla (excuses excuses excuses for that person) and me! i should accept people not showing up and shut my mouth and swallow my sorrow. no way!

    i feel so furious and sad and not understood and not supported i don’t understand how much i come across with people telling me to be patient and to be more understanding with people who act like i am not valuable, i feel this is so unfair, it is such a big lie on me, i hate it i could scream to the whole world how much i feel it is not fair on me,

    i am happy to be furious because it is time i do not tolerate to be treated this way anymore and i am happy also because by learning how to make myself respected and how to receive support and give support to the right people I learn how to be a siren in my love life

    in my family i was always wrong always, it was always my fault i could not count on anyone but everybody was counting on me. today this is the end of this, i can’t take this anymore. i stop.

    i am selecting my friends and my boyfriends. it is a huge step for me but i am so happy to be there. to reach that point.

    i have to learn to give it to myself and see what happens.

    i needed to write this post because i feel so upset and shaken, and a little voice inside of me is telling me you were wrong, you are too demanding, you are too hard on people, you have bad temper, maybe next time they will show up,

  246.  #246girl on September 12, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    hmmm…it feels sad to think of us having no chemistry. there’s some – but it’s not major. and, I don’t hate him! Although, I do hate fat (I was anorexic as a teen). I never find him stinky, which is good…

  247.  #247girl on September 12, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    he’s so good and loving and considerate in many ways. I’ve had chemistry with total losers, so I feel confused…

  248.  #248BarbinOz on September 12, 2010 at 2:36 pm


    I feel sad for this guy that you are just lying there and feeling disgusted with him “slobbering” over you.

    I would sooner be on my own than be disgusted and repulsed by a man, how can you have any intimacy when even his kissing makes you disgusted?

    He must know on some level about the way you feel. Wouldn’t it be fairer to him to let him go so he can get out there and find somebody else who loves him just the way he is, overweight and all?

  249.  #249Jennifer on September 12, 2010 at 2:40 pm

    I think I got it worked out
    I think I got the answer.
    Why do all the guys look wierd? Why do I not wanna date the nice guy who told my cousin he likes me.
    Why do i feel resistant.
    Resistant to dating resistant to dealing with men
    resistant to being vunerable.
    Reistant to relationships
    reistant to feeling messages
    resistant to winking at men

  250.  #250Renee on September 12, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Tinque — Thanks for your input…I’m trying to keep an open mind with this guy because he really is a quality person. And I’ve been reading some of Evan’s stuff where he talks about those intense, initial flames of chemistry inevitably dying out fairly quickly, although I guess in my head I still have the dream of finding long-lasting love that still gives me butterflies in my stomach.

  251.  #251Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Renee, hehe, it was only a teeny tiny probably insignificant sign, so I feel too embarrassed to share specifics, but…

    it was one of those things where, you know how we watch what guys are doing or not doing online even though we’re not supposed to….

    and for about the last ten days, I was seeing something there that caused me to make up a “story” about it that made me feel sad and discouraged (I mentioned on here a few days ago that I was telling myself a negative story about something….)

    But shortly after I announced my experiment, the “evidence” for that story suddenly changed– after being the same for ten days.

    Sorry if it sounds cryptic. lol. It’s not a big deal, really . . . but it definitely gives me more hope than I had before — at least it changes the story I’m telling myself —

    and it was also very “coincidental” that it would happen right at the moment I started my experiment.


    (Yeah, I feel like rolling my eyes at myself too. lol.)

  252.  #252Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    “I think that if you’re going to sleep with them you are by default exclusive – for me cuz I’ve never been able to “date” others if I were sleeping with someone. ”

    There’s one CD guy I sleep with once in awhile. (I don’t feel very attracted to him physically so, girl, I know what you mean, and that’s why I only do it when I feel like it. One time I started crying when he began to kiss me, and he’s like, “Oh, it’s okay, we don’t have to have sex. I just enjoy your company. And then he gave me presents and I went home. Lol.)

    But I date other guys.

  253.  #253Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Hehe, I’m cleaning up my inbox — I like when you called me “brilliant” the other day, Lizzie. 🙂

  254.  #254BarbinOz on September 12, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    How many others besides Lucy and Lynn in Melbourne are really doing the CD’ing properly as per the RR way?

    And also for those of you in exclusive relationships, Erika, Tinque, Jacqueline, Mercedes, etc., did you start off by doing CD’ing? Or have you found the RR blog for some other reason AFTER you entered into your relationship?

    The whole concept of CD’ing is really quite alien to me (and you??) so I am slowly getting my act together, last night with the help of wonderful Lizzie I fixed up my written profile on POF in readiness for putting it onto a paid dating site and getting ready for some serious CD’ing…..gulp…..

    Like Rori says on the DVD of Targeting Mr Right, you don’t really want to do this do you? No Rori, damn right I don’t but obviously my old way of being exclusive with one man and only dating one man and focusing my laser vision on him and only him, hasn’t worked……and even though I haven’t done the CD’ing yet it does feel wonderfully freeing just the thought of not waiting for that one man to phone or text, not obsessing over what he says or does and talking to my gf about it ENDLESSLY, What do you think about this? Why did he say that? He said this, does he mean that? And so on……..

  255.  #255Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Barb, Daria is CDing the Rori way, and I think Brenda is trying hard to do so as well. Erika mentioned that she CD’d for awhile first.

  256.  #256BarbinOz on September 12, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    FREEDOM because I am the prize
    FREEDOM because I am a Goddess
    FREEDOM because I am a Diva
    FREEDOM because I am a Siren
    FREEDOM from obsessivness
    FREEDOM from waiting for the phone to ring with a call from “him”


  257.  #257Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 3:35 pm

    I have done it for a year now and am moving away from it. I learned a lot through it, very much!

  258.  #258Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Anybody know the answer to this? If my Match profile is “hidden,” can people see my profile if I email them?

  259.  #259Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Same question for pof.

  260.  #260Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Lucy – yes. If you are on hide, and you send someone a note, they will see your profile. As long as they do not delete your message, the will be able to see your profile. If they delete you, and wnat to find you by your name, they will not be able to find your profile.

    Barb – I am CDing.

    Girl – dump that guy. But before I say that, how old are you?

  261.  #261Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Lucy – yes same for POF

  262.  #262Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Lucy – as I recal though, you can not find out their activity – you can only see their profile in your in-box. I don’t think you can find out when they were last online for example.

  263.  #263Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Hey Barb – I internet dated for over 3 years….but for one I was still in break up mode with 10 year long ex, so it was during fights; don’t know if that counts. I found Rori after I picked – or my guy picked me, it was still well after over 100 internet meet and greets – one hour chat stuff after 3 -4 emails and at least one phone call. And it was like a j-o-b!!!!!! anyway, I totally mis read the title here- I was looking to have my relationship the way I liked it- har like a hamburger. lol…and work on communication issues, but that was for a work environment, and then I just kind of stuck to see what all she had to say. I am or do think of myself as something of a well versed expert on/in the online thing – and boy do I wish I’d of kept a dairy of each of em – even just a one liner!….out of all the meet and greets maybe a dozen I wanted to see again/date, a few sort of friendships…etc. You can email me – I bought this thing you can sell online for writing profiles, and I’ll just give it to you if you want. – but my profile was really short and sweet – I hated those long wish list ones….anyway, I’d be happy to share more, privately.

    Lucy, glad you are moving past the nvs!!
    xo, all…

  264.  #264Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Lizzie I adore you!! Girl, work on your issues until you’re ready to dump guy! grins…

  265.  #265Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Barb – CDing for me has a number of features:
    – I do a lot of stuff for myself; I play golf for example
    – I volunteer – I am on a Board of Directors; I have so many activities I must do for my kid that is a competitor; I organize fund-raizing events
    – I pay attention to people – that is my natural way anyway
    – I flirt and love it; I flirt with everyone
    – I laugh a great deal
    – I hug my friends husbands
    – I date anyone who will date me
    – I go to all kinds of business events and conferences and I flirt with people all over the world
    – I go to fund raising events
    – I approach people on the dating sites because I am almost never approached – but once I have set the first meet, it is completely up to them to pick up the boat and the oars

    What I have learned here:
    – to be more conscious about how I flirt
    – to keep out of masculine energy – interestingly I had an awareness experience one day when playing golf with a guy who was asking me about my work – just a nice conversation – and I couldn’t hit the ball! so I asked him if he minded if we only focused on golf because thinking of work was too distracting. I had a big AHA! moment there.
    – I am much more consciously just being – my men are ordering my meal for me, looking after everything, always pay the bill, walk me to my car or drive me
    – I let my date really look after me
    – I have discovered that it feels amazing to be looked after! It feels amazing to be asked out! It just feels amazing to just be.

  266.  #266Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 4:25 pm

    My ex-h stopped by this afternoon on his way to work, to pick up mail. I was still in my nightie. I asked him if he had time to go buy some dog food, cuz we were out and doggie was hungry (and I didn’t feel like going out).

    He went and bought it. And didn’t even ask me for money for it. And I didn’t offer.

    I feel grateful.

  267.  #267FinallyFern on September 12, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Hello Again,

    I am feeling so needy here, asking so many questions of all you lovely ladies. I am once again struggling with another.

    After my big blow out yesterday with the very new ex, I am sure he is feeling like a corned cat. And while I know that I should be leaning back and wait and see if he decides to contact me at some point as I know then it will be because it was HIS choice. I am pondering an email tonight to him with a question about a company he was in the midst of opening up for me. I had recently decided to try to start my own business and he was doing some legalities for me. Since there was so much nastiness in our exchanges yesterday, he said I was pontificating, anyway, I want to know if he is going to follow through with this or not this week as he had originally said he would. If not, I need to start the process going with someone else. This new business is something I feel I need to put my energy into and I do not want to feel in limbo.

    What do you think?

  268.  #268Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    Barb –
    I had Family Guy come over to lend me tools ( don’t laugh too hard now) – I had asked him for a wrench, a sander and an ax. He didn’t have an ax but had a wrench and sander. So he showed up a few days later with a ton of tools. After I explained what the plan was, which was to paint a chest of drawers chocolate brown, he asked me why I need a wrench? I said that I had to find a way to take the nobs off the drawers and needed a really big wrench to do that. (Okay Jacqueline stop laughing) So he just twisted a nob and what do you know, it came right off. I made some off hand remark about how it would feel so wonderful if he just looked after it all for me. A little while later, he jumps up and said “oh before I go I must take all those drawers apart for you, and I will show you how to use the sander…” It was so cute!

    Now the old me would have just done the entire thing myself. I have even refinished furniture as a summer job. I let him show me how to do everything, let him take all the nobs off for me and give me tips on how to make the whole thing come together. I didn’t mention a thing that I knew how to do it. And he was beaming the whole time – what a guy. I just loved all the masculine energy. I am so happy to be learning all about that!

    I wish he would just step up some more. Oh well.

    I am thinking that if I don’t hear from him in another few weeks, I will send him an email and tell him I will drop off his sander at his office if he likes so that I can just close this one off. It would be quite too bad as he is one of the very few people I have genuinely liked in a very very long time.

  269.  #269Jonathon on September 12, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    201 Renee,

    Great question… in fact just did a tele class on this called: Divorced Men: Ready to Date or Better to Wait.

    The general answer is that most people who have gone through a divorce need time to adjust to a whole new life.

    There are many factors to consider: how long was the marriage, children, custody, alimony, transition girlfriend (do you want to be that?)

    Many new clients come to me for the very situation you may be having to work through whether or not they should move forward with married men. In those cases I ask a series of questions that go beyond an email or blog to help avoid an often painful investment of your heart.

    General rule: 2 year wait and one transition girlfriend for divorced guys. This is purely general though (ok).


  270.  #270FinallyFern on September 12, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    I just realized that all my posts earlier today are still awaiting moderation approval because I had a space between finally and fern so I think they are being handled like a new poster instead of a ! day old poster!! Oh well, when they do post, it will be confusing to you all I am sure.

  271.  #271Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    FinallyFern, well you are in a tough situation. Having worked with my exH for many years and then lived the nightmare of undoing, I will step right out, put my neck on the line and say without a shadow of doubt, move forward with your business with absolutely NO involvement of your ex whatsoever.

  272.  #272FinallyFern on September 12, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Thank you Lizzie,

    I appreciate your input. And while this is entirely my “baby”, from here on out, since he has already submitted the LLC paperwork and it was formed last thursday, he is the one who the official paperwork will be delivered to either tomorrow or the next day. In his anger, I want to know if he plans to send them to me or not. I would hate to start from scratch with a new name and logo and domain listing. I have so much time and energy invested in this so far. Do you think he will just send them then?

  273.  #273Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Jonathon – I agree.

    I even think that my just letting a potential relationship lie, is good because of how recent the guy’s separation is – when I met the guy, he said he had been separated a year but spent many years working out the details so he is ready to date. I just don’t think he is ready for me…
    – he is 50
    – was married 10 years
    – fairly acrimonious separation – and she has come back asking for more money
    – 2 kids age 10 – he has them 45% of the time
    – one twin is severely disabled (feeding tubes etc.)
    – he is an executive and extremely busy

    I am giving a ton of space because I really like him; I think it will be a while before he realizes how wonderful I am. And I am quite happy to continue the odd-ball dating process I seem to be in and if it comes together, then it comes together. I feel much less invested in the outcome as a result of all the work I have done since joining this group. What do you think?

  274.  #274Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    FinallyFern – I believe he will deliver. 3 reasons he will come through for you:
    – he is a guy; guys rarely harbour evil grudges
    – he did the work; it is as much an accomplishment for him
    – he still cares about you and wants to see you succeed even though he might be angry

  275.  #275Daria on September 12, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    girl : i feel scared reading your posts because i don’t want to be in your position. and i have been in it before.

    i think the difference (scary) about the rori thing is that we share how we feel including disgusted by sex…

    then hopefully it all melts into raindrops

    im practicing too with my nice guys that turn me off becuase he drops his voice tone and talks to me like a 5 year old, so watcha wearin, huhuhuhuh… klike he’s bashful from the dwarfs

  276.  #276FinallyFern on September 12, 2010 at 4:55 pm


    You made me smile. But geez, you are almost making him sound human!! 🙂 Putting him in the human category is not going to make it easy if he tries to woe me again. Yikes

    Seriously, thank you!

  277.  #277Jennifer on September 12, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    My brain shut itself off.
    TOO much stimulation
    I am afraid
    I am too afraid for this.
    Too afraid.
    Afraid of 6 more years of getting punished if something doesnt go right
    Afraid of being abandoned again
    Afraid of being blamed for all the problems again
    Afraid of the coldness
    Afraid of the nastiness
    Afraid of the random anger
    Afraid of waiting to be heard
    Afraid of waiting to be cherished and then not being.
    Afraid of hoping so hard and then getting nothing.
    Too afraid
    too afraid
    too afraid.
    I need another nap

  278.  #278Nikita on September 12, 2010 at 5:00 pm


    I feel supportive of you….I want more than respect …….I want to see you feeling cherished 🙂

  279.  #279FinallyFern on September 12, 2010 at 5:03 pm


    I am sending you a hug. I can both sympathize and empathize with all of your fears. I do believe what Rori teaches is very true, showing our emotions can be captivating and beautiful. You captivated me. And if I dig deep into my historical past of previous rebound relationships, where the man knew he was exactly that, everyone of them fell crazy in love because I was just so open about all my icky feelings and they had nothing to do with them. That is the secret I need to work on, my downfall has been how to keep that going once I am in a relationship so I am heard and felt, without attacking a man. I think men hate to let a woman down that he loves.

  280.  #280Jonathon on September 12, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Lizzie, not enough details for me to tell you what I think other than a purely gut feeling:


    p.s. but I know you won’t so… keep me posted

    btw, if my humor did not seem obvious, know I have your best interest in heart.

  281.  #281Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    “2 year wait and one transition girlfriend for divorced guys”

    That’s why WH mentioned he is “so recently divorced” — he doesn’t want me to be his transition girlfriend. hehe. He wants me to be the Real Deal.

    That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.


  282.  #282Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    What do you do with a drunken sailor,
    What do you do with a drunken sailor,
    What do you do with a drunken sailor,
    Earl-eye in the morning!

    Way hay and up she rises [Lucy]
    Way hay and up she rises
    Way hay and up she rises
    Earl-eye in the morning

    Put him in a long boat till he’s sober,
    Put him in a long boat till he’s sober,
    Put him in a long boat till he’s sober,
    Earl-eye in the morning!

    Put him in the hold with the Captain’s daughter, [transition girlfriend]
    Put him in the hold with the Captain’s daughter,
    Put him in the hold with the Captain’s daughter,
    Earl-eye in the morning!

    Do a little jig when he comes to his senses,
    Do a little jig when he comes to his senses,
    Do a little jig when he comes to his senses,
    Earl-eye in the morning!

    “Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

  283.  #283Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    LOL Jonathon – I get it. You wouldn’t belive the number of people who tell me to run! Put on your PF Fliers and go as fast as you can in the other direction! so funny.

    The thing is, I rather like this guy. And I have a special needs kid. And both my kids are adopted so they come with a 40ft container and the ghosts are always lurking.

    This guy has a heart of gold.

    And I know that if this comes together, his children will always have a unique first place; he will always be in contact with his ex wife; he will never be able to travel the way he used to…

    And I am special 😉 ; I have never travelled the easy road…usually there is NO road …. LOL – so we shall see!

    Naturally, I am very open to any and all advice….besides run for your life!

  284.  #284Nikita on September 12, 2010 at 5:45 pm


    I am feeling a patter here….. Is your lady cycle coming…..? It seems these feelings of disgust you experience climax around the time I’m feeling weaker and the moon is just so…..
    This could be in my imagination…… If it’s true what can you learn from these more intense feelings around this time? Are the tides telling you something? Stirring up something? Something deep and dark lurking at the bottom of the ocean?

    On another note I did get a man to lose his belly and re-manifest a six pack for me…..I inspired this by sharing all of the good feelings he would have if he had to take off his shirt…..(he was an actor)…. But I still didn’t feel the fire anymore even though he looked nice and buff….I felt happy for him but I couldn’t be his consolation prize……I was intimate with him and still love him but….I don’t feel it even though I believe he’d be an excellent husband…..but I’m not feeling it…..and I mourned that and stayed as gentle and honest as I could…. 🙁

    Remember the marshmallow man in ghost busters ? 🙂

  285.  #285Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Barb and Renee, thanks for your questions and concerns regarding sex with WH. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just mulling it over a bit.

  286.  #286Nikita on September 12, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Ooops, feeling a pattern not “patter”

  287.  #287Jennifer on September 12, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    I’m random
    I just signed up to have a look at an “executive” dating site. According to the speil, I will not make the cut. The socio economic filter will screen me out.
    Now I’m afraid I’ll feel rejected. Well, it’s my own fault for doin the damned thing anyway.

  288.  #288Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Jennifer – that is so sad! I signed up for 50 plus – too funny there are NO men on it….what does this tell us???

  289.  #289Jennifer on September 12, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    That the sites are geared toward women? Then where the hell are the men?
    Ya know what? Even if I could find them, I’d make my self invisible and then whine that they couldn’t see me. IF on the off chance they did…I’d get all afraid and frozen and unable to process…being me is a pain in the A$$ lately.

  290.  #290Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 6:15 pm


    Actually I found Rori way before I found this blog, four years ago in fact! Wow. I CD’d for a while, I was doing it even before finding Rori, but after Rori I saw more value in it. Then somewhere along the way, I realized I’d learned all I was going to learn from CD and I moved more into a “God will bring him to me when it’s time” kinda space.

    Also, I’m not in an exclusive relationship. VG and I continue to discuss. One of my doubts is whether I want to be in an exclusive relationship, because I’ve been intrigued by polyamory for some time, and spiritually some form of polyamory feels good to me.

    All in divine order.

    A random thought, I was involved in a mediation years ago, after I’d already got into the beginnings of HBR. I remember it was a total impasse, and then in the middle of the mediation, I felt a shift, and I told my lawyer, “the whole thing just shifted … they are going to give us what we want.” Sure enough, the mediator came in the room about 10 minutes later and said, essentially, “they are ready to give you what you want.” There had been an organic shift in the energy, and I could feel it. The same thing happens now with men. I can feel a shift, and then the whole dynamic can change literally overnight. This kind of organic shift results from getting present with negative energy until it dissolves. There is no way to get present with negative energy until it dissolves if I’m cutting off connections before they are truly “complete.” I realize this is a controversial view, and I also believe it’s an important missing link in the healing/dating/relationship advice world.

  291.  #291Erika Awakening on September 12, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    And let me throw something else out there, controversial …

    In NVC practice sessions, I loved how they’d ask people to check in and then ask us “do you feel complete?” Because if there was something left to say, something deep inside us still wanted to say it.

    And I think many women settle for “incomplete” and “letting go” with ex-boyfriends because there is a collective belief that that’s the best we can do …

    And I DON’T BELIEVE THAT … I believe *every* relationship can be brought to peace, balance, harmony, and mutuality, and that all of us will be happier for it.

    So there, I said it … :p

  292.  #292Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Lizzie – you little dervish, you!!!! You needed a really big WRENCH? oh, yeah, laughing OUT LOUD…and what the heck was the axe for? you gonna just chop them knobs off? poor guy – absolutely return the tool! I hate it when guys run off with my well stocked tool supply. My very best hammer is out on loan right now, which is why it hasn’t gone the way of the other three before it – someone knows what would happen should they loose it!! and I have 4 tapemeasures, and two levels, and lots of power tools….and I sincerely hope/believe I’ll never have to touch one again. heeee…..

    I think you’re heart is touched, and it comes across in what you say, don’t know how/why…and if you can let it be – it will become something special to you no matter the form.

    eyebats at cha….


  293.  #293Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Erika, sorry I keep spelling your name incorrectly, my bad, and even after I said that I was observant…

    I agree with you.

    I do workplace trauma counselling and have found that engaging in a dialogue between the “parties” is an important part of coming to a sense of closure for both parties. Often the “initiator” is in as much pain as the one upon whom the action has been taken. The “recipient” often feels profound frustration (sad angry and afraid), and end up not only appreciating the opportunity of the conversation but manage their personal transformation far more effectively later on. Even the initiator of the events will thank me for the unburdening they experience – I believe they become better leaders/managers/people as a result.

  294.  #294Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    OH Jacqueline – you so make me laugh!

    The AX! The story is posted on your blog – LOL!

    I did get an ax – from my brother. The funny thing is when I asked Family Guy for an ax his email note to me was:

    “An ax? Going into battle?”

    I just answered:

  295.  #295Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    You used the guy’s AX in the story??? and you gave it back to him???? Oh, my, you shall be attached to him forever, my dear fairy tale ax princess…..

  296.  #296Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    @ Erika – you totally missed the boat! I have patented the never let em go method….or the it’s over when I say it’s over….soon you can order it on my blog –!!! and it will be called

    “Your Relationship? Kick it to find out if it’s dead or gonna bite you back!”

    **ps does not work with narccistic men**

    good to see you here Yoda Princess

  297.  #297Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    If an Axe Princess meets a Yoda Princess in the woods….does she learn to use the force for good? or does she abolish the need to use force?

    okay okay I just crack myself up….

  298.  #298Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Jacqueline – no no, the ax belongs to my brother! the wrench and sander belong to Family Guy…

    Yeah! I am the Ax Princess … I have never been a PRINCESS before… I don’t know how to be a princess….

    may the force be with us – I shall share….

  299.  #299Lucy on September 12, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Ah, but there already is a never let em go method that DOES work with narcissistic men. 🙂

    I have the url somewhere…..

    And Erika’s method probably works with them too.

  300.  #300Lizzie on September 12, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    narcissistic men? nope, just dump them and walk away – drives them nuts….

  301.  #301Brenda on September 12, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    Hi folks! I’m here! Am I in time for the party?

  302.  #302Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    From my new blog post – anyone else thinking /feeling about this?

    The Full Corn Moon is this month, as is the Autumnal Equinox. How balanced do you feel? How balanced is your life?

    This full Moon corresponds with the time of harvesting corn. It is also called the Barley Moon, because it is the time to harvest and thresh the ripened barley.

    Did you reap a harvest from intentions set in the spring? Are you ready to allow yourself to prepare fallow ground and set positive intentions for next years planting?

    The role of nature, and the turning of the seasons should play a part in all our lives. When we disconnect from the turning of the year’s wheel, we can feel out of sync with ourselves and our goals. The frenetic energy of summer is dissolving into a more meditative focusing within. Even while we buy new pads and pencils to get back to “school,” we find our days growing shorter and hopefully, time to turn our gazes inward.

    Take the time to find your balance, to create and live your dream. This week – focus on just what is ONE step, not even the first step – what ONE thing can you do for yourself that feels like it will bring your dream to life?

    And please comment on your dreams, your blocks, your healing and your life. We become a teacher to all those who choose to listen when we speak our truths, and your truth is welcome here.

  303.  #303Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    @ Lucy…heee re: narcissitic….the bummer thing is when they find a new self reflecting mirror, they’re done. Which my friends all think was my salvation from a relationship teetering on abuse.

    Was kind of funny the day he yelled, yes, we all agree you are a better person than me!…and he was being serious, AND it didn’t matter!


  304.  #304Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Brenda!!! Lucy and Lizzie got drunk and kidnapped sailors, no drunken pirates, no that’s not it they got drunk and acted like pirates, but then this sailor – and OMGosh, he looked just like a romance cover! guy….well, he washed ashore and could not breathe! Our swashbuckling heroines revived him last I heard and Lucy was gonna RAVISH him…so Lizzie went off to drink a glass of wine and read the newspaper. Who knows what happened between Lucy and mystery romance muscle man, tho????

  305.  #305Brenda on September 12, 2010 at 9:58 pm


    Oh no! And I missed all that action!?!? That sounds like the most intriguing action Siren Island has had in a while! Well, do you think the romance muscle man will cum back to have some more ravishing lovemaking from Lovely Lucy? Were there more sailors aboard his ship that crashed on our shore? Perhaps I should stroll along the sand and revive some more romantic sailors! Would you like to join me?

  306.  #306faubourg on September 12, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Nikita, (275)

    cherished, what a lovely word, it makes me smile, oh yes i would like that…

    cherished 🙂

  307.  #307Brenda on September 12, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    I love that word “cherished”. I also like the word, “sexxx”! 🙂

  308.  #308Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    @ faubourg – hey! are you doing better????
    mais qui??? forget how to spell since I learned Spanish!

    Brenda – sadly the sailors got on their seahorses and galloped towards their ship….but I see some footsteps – should we follow? We might end up in a totally nonsensical timewarp spacewise episode of LOST??? or we might just interupt Lucy?!!!

    Night girls…


  309.  #309Daria on September 12, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    ever since I have been doing the EFT youtube on resistance and the one on self sabotage, i am having much better fantastic results with hypnosis and my EFT. this is lovely.

    i am now feeling sure that i can make the changes i want

    they hypnosis seems to “stick” and feels easy for me to cut thru the resistance, when there is some

    very cool stuff

    very very cool stuff

  310.  #310Jacqueline on September 12, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Hi, Daria – thanks for reminding me about hypnosis – it’s my favorite active relaxation thing. I ordered a self esteem/acceptance program from EFT Down Under site and it seems outstanding. The guy has a method called – Provocative Energy Techniques (PET), as well as the simple, user-friendly approach Simple Energy Techniques (SET). It is so cool to be able to find so many resources in my living room!

    and wanted to give you a shoutout and hope you had a good weekend….

    Peace and luv,

  311.  #311girl on September 13, 2010 at 12:01 am

    Thanks for all the feedback, ladies. I did talk to him tonight. I confessed that I don’t feel the sexual chemistry that I had been hoping for all those years leading up to this relationship, which I would say is the only ‘real’ relationship i’ve had. BTW, I’m 29. I told him I’m not sure why that is, or if I’m even capable of feeling sexually intimate in a committed relationship. But because of my lack of sexual interest, I don’t feel 100% sure about our long term future. He was so sad. And I felt awful. I don’t feel the anger and resentment anymore, just sadness and guilt. He worried that I’m not attracted to him because of his weight – he says he feels very insecure about the weight he’s gained since knee surgery. I told him that it’s an issue of chemistry and maybe my own hang up about intimacy, and that it has nothing to do with him. Which, I think is accurate (in spite of how I vented about specific turn-offs here).

    Nikita, it’s so true that there is a pattern related to cycles and moons and hormones and such, and I feel really amazed that you picked up on it. But the truth is that I constantly avoid sex. I asked him what he thinks about that tonight, and he did say that it bothers him. He notices that I ignore his advances. He says it hurts his feelings and it makes him wonder what’s wrong with him. He also said it sometimes pisses him off. But he says that it’s something that he deals with. He said he believes he and I are meant to be. That’s when I said that I’m not 100% sure. I asked him what he thinks we should do, and he said he doesn’t think he’s the one to answer that question – he says that there’s nothing for him to say: he’s said and done everything for me, which proves how he feels, so now it’s up to me to decide what to do based on how I feel.

    I said that I would like to agree to not have sex until I initiate it, and I would like to hold off on spending the night together for the next couple of nights. We have plans on Wednesday, and we agreed to talk again then.

    The whole time, I was weeping. I felt super sad about the idea of not being with him. And I felt HORRIBLE about hurting him. And I thought, well this is easy to fix. Just reach over and initiate sex right now. But I didn’t want to. I feel judgmental of myself. No, I’m not going to judge myself. It would be bad if I HAD committed to him and chose not to fix this, but I’m still deciding whether to commit, so I’m not obligated to fix it.

    The reason why this conversation felt imperative was so that he wouldn’t base his decision of whether to take a promotion in Boston on our relationship. He insists he doesn’t want to take it, regardless. So now this can of worms is open, and I don’t know what to do.

    He’s so sweet and caring, and I enjoy his company, and I respect and admire him and I appreciate all the thoughtful considerate things he does for me. I think he’s cute – the back of his head is so adorable (he has a little faux hawk). I do love him. And yes, the sex issue constantly lurks beneath the surface, but 95% of the time things are really great. And I already feel jealous of whoever might end up with him because he is so so good. He is a wonderful man that I can have forever and ever, so why am I crying????

  312.  #312girl on September 13, 2010 at 12:05 am

    And it’s not like there’s some guarantee that I’m going to find “it all”: Someone who I find sexy who also is amazing in a bunch of different ways. That was the one defensive thing he did say tonight. He said “The asshole part of me wants to say ‘Good luck finding someone like me…’ ”
    and I know he’s right. I’m lucky to have such a good guy, and lots of people say they envious of what we have (I don’t tell them about how I feel about sex)

  313.  #313Daria on September 13, 2010 at 12:20 am

    girl – I am usually not attracted to men on the heavy side. One of the men I’m MOST attracted to, though, has tended towards the heavy side for a long time… and I have still found him attractive.

    something I noticed while dating a guy on the heavy side was…

    an AHA moment for me.

    that was that it was his insecurity – spoken or unspoken – that was the main turnoff… I picked up on it and didn’t feel comfortable around him

    I noticed that you said “he says he feels very insecure about the weight he’s gained since knee surgery.”

    i think the issue is his insecurity (and hence your guilt and the desire to tip toe around the issue)

    if i didn’t feel uncomfortable (knowing that he’s insecure and that i could “hurt” him – feels like a turn off !!!) , it would be easy to speak about – and probably clear the icky feelings

  314.  #314Daria on September 13, 2010 at 12:23 am

    ( the guy i dated with the insecurity was diff than the first man that i mentioned. )

    the one i’ve been attracted to does not seem insecure (very much) about his weight, he’s one of the most attractive men because of how much personaly authority he carries in his demeanor…

    when he did make one lil insecure comment about having gained weight, i found it adorable and even more attractive

  315.  #315Daria on September 13, 2010 at 12:32 am

    “The asshole part of me wants to say ‘Good luck finding someone like me…”

    oh no this feels bad!

    I would say I feel highly triggered – reminded so MUCH of my situation in highschool.

    I would feel BLAMED.

    I don’t want a man who doesn’t take responsibility for turning me on.

    its not “my issue” and “my fault”


    i feel angry!

    i feel so angry at the subtle guilt trip thing i didn’t see at the time.

    i don’t want to worry about “your feelings”

    IM the girl!

    i feel awful!

    YOU fix it now!!!


    i don’t deserve to feel awful

    i don’t deserve a relationship that feels like a wonderful friendship with icky sex

    i wouldn’t want it the other way, and i don’t want it this way


    what do you think we can do?


    you’ve done everything?

    that feels bad!

  316.  #316girl on September 13, 2010 at 12:41 am

    That felt very interesting to read Daria. Yeah, I was aware of the guilt trip, and I didn’t like it. But I also could see what he was saying.

  317.  #317Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:02 am

    omg girl

    i was just writing you the best post ever.

    basically i think youre {insert: me in highschool and my identifying with you in this situation Big Time}being subtly manipulated to take the masculine role in the relationship when it comes to sex


    bear with me here:

    yes you see what he’s saying. i saw what my ex was saying too,

    and that would be one thing,

    however i noticed i also see what a lot of guys are saying, – who i can still say no to – and thus that “i know what he’s saying ” becomes a lot less of an argument.

    for example – i know what a guy is saying when he says – i dont have a car, and i really want to see you, so you should come see me-


    i dont pay for girls right away, i think it should be more a 50 50 thing, because i want to know a girl and trust her before i do that

    BUT – i don’t say yes. because im voting for me. and that is what the relationship needs. for me to stand up for my womanly desires and feelings

    ok Second Part = GUILT TRIP ISSUE

    this is huge. for me.

    ” how are you ever gonna find a guy like me – yeah wah wha


    its like hes saying:

    “YOU’re never gonna find a man like me!” disguised as self pity there are no guys to find a guy as good as me… which makes you feel guilty… and then while you feel guilty… you’ll be too overcome by guilt to notice that…. you don’t feel good…

    andhe told you, “what, i don’t know what to do, i’m already doing EVERYTHING – guilt trip…” ok, so im being nice to you 98% of the time, and so I am entitled to 100% of you…. what?

    this feels bad. i felt so guilty around my ex that i didnt notice that it was pretty feminine of him not to step up and try to solve this problem… and that i was feeling bad (guilty) a lot … and that it turned into more about HIS feelings, and my feeling on eggshells around them… and feeling blocked and afraid to “hurt” him…


    that didnt’ feel good.

    i would lean back and outgirl him now, “hurting” him or not… because he has to fix this

    jsut like he’d have to fix not having a job

    or something like that

  318.  #318Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:07 am


    out of the 3 billion on the planet.

    and not cuz he sux. just cuz, u don’t NEed GOOD LUCK.

    you are a DIVA

    you can have ALL that you want.

    and this man needs to fix this – with you, now –

    or he’ll have to fix it with the next girl.


    stand your ground. be your rock. feel your feelings. vote for you. be HONEST first. Talk directly to the Divine Masculine, who is ready to hear you. Your man wants you to see him as the Divine Masculine, even when hes acting like chubbydivabrat

  319.  #319Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:08 am

    i feel afraid of being heard in a way that is unloving.


    i felt fear.

    i don’t want to put down your man. i feel angry at him, and i feel angry at my ex. and i don’t want you to feel GUILTY one more second!

    i feel angry that this guy is making you feel bad ! (guilty)

  320.  #320Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:10 am

    i don’t think that could happen if you lean back girl him out… and not give a single thought to his feelings… but rather to his masculinity… maybe then you can discover what is turning you off more clearly, and you can communicate and solve the problem

  321.  #321Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:10 am

    (says daria to herself ) wow that is some good advice.

    it feels scary to do it tho.

    i choose to do it anyway and feel good about it and while doing it.

  322.  #322Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:17 am

    I think for me, what I think, is that the issue IS his/their insecurity with – weight, other ish, whatever…

    and no matter how much they step up in other ways,

    they don’t step up sexually in a way that feels good to me

    (at this time)

    and i do have one man that wants to marry me like that.

    and if i look, i easily am in the masculine role, he’s not holding it firm, he’s letting me get in it, it’s like i rollled right in it…

    and i feel drat. im gonna lean back and outgirl him more.

    and just like rori says you (probably) don’t want an impotent man whos unwilling to do something about it,

    i dont want a man that i don’t feel attracted to for sex

    because there are men that i am.

    and i DO think it IS emotional, and although its about me – falling into masculine role – its also about him – his insecurity, shaking his masculiness, and triggering me to fall into masculine role

    Not with me Buddy! Get out there and be masculine for the both of us

  323.  #323Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:21 am

    Pared down lesson of the daria day:

    When an insecure man dates me, I will easily fall into masculine role

    this is because of him, and because of me… it’s happening as a message to show me how i can be even MORE feminine.

    my being even more frighteningly vulnerable feminine – and possibly judged as selfish, uncaring… which would feel awful –

    by telling my truth…

    will actually make him feel safe.

    and he will remain in the man role, and my ability to be feminine will facilitate that for an insecure man, and then he’ll really really love me,

    because he gets to be in the masculine role in a situation which he usually because of insecurity fell into the feminine which probalby felt hecka bad to him without him even realizing it


    so yeah, when my man is weak, lean back, stay feminine, let him be the man

    so he heals himself and his insecurity trigger this way,,, around a woman who can hold the role of the woman even in ‘crisis’ when highly triggered

  324.  #324Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:26 am


    when dating an insecure man, i used to easily fall into masculine role

    but not anymore !


    now i will be practicing to be super Goddess and men will be like omg you healed my insecurities

    and now i am superf*uck man!

    i became a porn star because of YOU Daria!

    YOU did that for ME!

    thank you thank you for being a woman and leaning back and not stepping in to take the masculine role when i was acting insecure

    you dont know how many women didnt have the patience to see me flounder

    and they tried to take over for me

    and i felt demasculinezed

    and small and desexualized

    like a little boy.

    Thats why i talk to you like im 5 or like im talking to my mom when i try to initate sex.

    because i need you to say:

    “wow that really feels like a turn off. i dont want to hear a man sound like he’s a little boy when initiating sex. what do you think?”

    and then the problem would be solved in no time. by him.


    i think i solved my own problem and got myself a script!

    i feel proud.

    i am a Mandra

    Mandra Daria


  325.  #325Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:31 am

    I am hypnotizing the dishwashing liquid out of myself to exercise and beutify myself.

    so right now i just got done working out, and brushed my skin, and took a showe and washed my hair

    and just met 2 guys who came – met one of them online – to smoke with me here by my house

    and i think they liked me

    i found myself making conversation, interesting conversation (to me) – it was instantaneous, i got excited and then told a story or asked a q – about current events and stuff…

    i felt good.

    i also felt really good about how i talked about myself regarding money

    i did not put myself down

    first time ever (including my energy didn’t drop)


  326.  #326Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:33 am

    one of the guys wasnt the one i talked to online, he said to call him whenver, from the other guy! haha

    and then the one i did talk to, when he got home,

    he got online and is gushing to me about how wow i must get this a lot but i am so beautiful and we should kick it again, and that im smart too



  327.  #327Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:35 am

    i guess i really am beautiful.

    i was thinking kinda not earlier today.

    because i have been going out with my girl, and she’s the one who usually has been getting talked to.

    my energy feels so Tense when lots of people are around, i still block 99% of male attention my way.

    as in eye contact body language, will tense up, energy wise



    to loosen up

    i love me

    i love my tension and involuntary terror reactions of people and women and children and men

  328.  #328Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:37 am

    the only kinds of people i dont feel tense around are boys i think

    like young boys up to older “grown” boys who act like boys.

    i feel tense around young girls, hmm maybe boys too

    never mind!!

    i feel confused.

    i get tense around people, afraid.

    they’ve GOT to think i’m cooky, if they knew i was high and talking to the trees right now.

    they are NOT gonna approve of me

    people don’t approve of me, but I’m the goddess ;(

    i feel sad

    i love me and my sadness

    feels deep sinking in middle of chest going to inner world

  329.  #329Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:40 am

    i feel proud taht i feel afraid
    i feel proud that i smoke weed! wow really? it feels scary, but i can be!

    i feel proud that im high in the middle of the day, walking past your kids


    weed is sacred, i feel proud i smoke it, i feel good seeing weed and children because it is the sacred feel good plant that the big green leaf gave me

    i feel OK to be high around children, even tho ive been socialized to feel ashamed and that its wrong and bad, and i think the parents would have those thoughts too and hate me attack me fear me

    i love me

    this i choose

    my new beliefs

    i am proud of me and who i am and my decisions

    i feel like my right shoulder is pinned to my body, my right arm

    like a javelin got thrown on me in battle pining my arm… or an arrow

    thank you pas life as an amazon

  330.  #330Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:45 am

    not to say that i think kids should smoke. i rather think that they should wait till their system is fully developed or getting there. like drinking.


    yes. ganja as a sacred plant its good and loving i choose it to be so. hi ganja. thank you.

    i feel fear. i love my fear.

    i allow this belief change to be easy.

  331.  #331Daria on September 13, 2010 at 2:48 am

    ok i was just in a convo and i was practicing being honest and not thinking about his emotions

    and then i felt good and “Fern” and at the same time, i talked a lot

    oops! i felt a little nervous… hmm…

    did i use any i feel? not really except at the end i said i feel sleepy.

    i did however speak the truth and from intent of sharing.

    i also practiced getting off the phone first, AND making a move to get off the phone right away when i noticed too much noise (for my ear) in the background – something that i’ve felt bad for tolerating without mentioning at other times…

  332.  #332BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 2:50 am

    #252 & # 254 Lucy thank you for telling me who is doing CD’ing for real, as I move into the arena….gulp.

    #260 Jacqueline, thanks for your post but I believe dear Lizzie has me sorted with all my juicy senuousness and wanting to play LOL!!

    #262 Interesting post about your version of CD’ing, keeping busy busy busy but just wondering about contacting men first on Internet dating sites, isn’t that leaning forward? I have only ever done a “wink” here or there before in previous incarnations on dating sites, but I always felt like crap if they didn’t respond 🙁

  333.  #333BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 2:52 am

    #265 so cute, like the ultimate flirt, I probably would have had the knobs off myself and showing him how to make the chest look good 😀

    BIG BIG lesson for me on how to be girly without looking like a blonde bimbo LOL!!

  334.  #334BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:07 am

    #287 Erica

    I appreciate your honesty and telling us about CD’ing etc, I don’t know what polyamory is and I am too lazy to go Google it LOL!!

    “God will bring him to me, when it’s time” mmmmmm how much time does God need? I am 57……….the years are ticking by…………..

    I have a friend who a few years back tried to convince me and her that just like some women can’t have babies, some women are destined to live alone forever more without love , I told her she was bloody depressing me LOL!! In March of this year she got a 12 page hand written love letter from a man she was engaged to 30 years ago (!!!) he had found her on the school friends reunited site, she flew over to England (she is a Brit like me) in May I think it was, they are now living together and she is as happy as Larry!!

  335.  #335BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:28 am


    Regarding heavier men (and women)…………..

    Of course this is all personal to all parties concerned, we all have our own individual turn ons and turn offs and the world would be a boring place if we were all the same………

    On Saturday my gf and her partner (thats what we say in Oz when a couple live together but aren’t married) came over for lunch, now she always refers to him as her own personal George Clooney and believe me ladies, HE AIN’T!!

    However we were outside saying our goodbyes and my gf V looked up into M’s eyes with such adoration and love, he is 6′ 2″ and is a bloody big fella with a massive stomach, he doesn’t drink but he sure likes his food…….and she is about 5′ 5″ and she REALLY doesn’t seem him as I do……a big overweight man, she just SEES George Clooney!!

    So you see Girl, this is my take on it, even if your man loses the weight and gets a 6 pack you are not going to see him as George Clooney (or Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp) because love is blind……if you love somebody, you love them for who they are, imperfections and all.

    He deserves, as do you and all of us, somebody who loves us AS WE ARE and despite our shortcomings.

  336.  #336BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:30 am


    This is in way a swipe at you, but do be careful of the mighty Ganja as it makes some people paranoid when partaken of in large doses, I know my own son has been like that for a number of years, but lately he has been off it and has kinda come back to himself……take care and be careful.

    Barb xxx

  337.  #337Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 3:55 am

    I feel triggered about Girl’s Guy’s guilt trip.
    Booo for guilt trip. B did that to me…tried to make ME responsible for his issues. BOOOOOOOOOO

  338.  #338Cel on September 13, 2010 at 4:49 am

    have followed this with interest cos I am dating a heavy guy. Have never dated one before. But you know what? He’s shrinking. He doesn’t have time to exercise bcos of stupid hours he works, so he has put himself on diet for me since our 2nd date.
    Thats a masculine man.
    And do you know what? I would have him anyway, weight or no weight. I fantasise about him and what we do together when he is not with me. I got really excited when he shrank cos we can do more sexually and I feel so proud of him for losing the weight and looking so handsome. He is still heavy, but I just adore everything about him. Am not sure if he is a keeper, becos I think he is too much of a free spirit to settle, but there is potential for that there if he wants to.
    I love that he cares enough about me and has the self respect to lose the weight.
    I agree with Daria, your guy is trying to make you the masculine one. A man who you are not physically attracted to is just bad news, hon, and you know it. Let alone repulsed by..! My guess is that he is ‘extra’ good to you as a trade-off for other less obvious problems. Its your insides telling you he is not right.
    x C

  339.  #339Renee on September 13, 2010 at 5:41 am

    Oh, girls! I am going to try so hard to make this a good day but it may be a challenge. I’m quitting smoking and have just started my period and the combo of the two is kind of tough…also heard from cougar man last night, although we haven’t txted in days…he flirted with me about getting together and then when I finally asked him if he wanted to come over, he asked me if I could come over to his house instead because he had an early morning meeting today. I was like — wtf!? After not seeing me for 2 wks, you should be so excited at the possibility of seeing me that you’d drive the 30 mins to my house in a heartbeat! All I want is for a man to be willing to slay dragons for me! Is that so hard?!

    I get “nice” guys who want to slay dragons for me — nice guys who bore the holy hell out of me and make me want to barf when I think about having sex with them…but not “fun” guys, because “fun” guys are apparently bad boys who don’t put women on pedastals (or only put women on pedastals for a couple of weeks and don’t keep them there).

    Ugh! I feel so stupid for thinking cougar man would jump at the chance to keep me company (and have sex with me) especially because I know he’s not seeing anyone else. I just wanted to feel special and adored for a while and instead I ended up feeling rejected and yucky! And now I’m trying to quit smoking and having cramps and this is no fun!

    My date last night was an idiot…he was cute enough, but he thinks he way cooler than he is (and he claims to be taller than he is — what a surprise). Anyway, he had these gestures that were kind of gangsta or something and was wearing this stupid t-shirt after he’d told me he was wearing a dress shirt, so I was dressed in something that would have matched a dress shirt, not a t-shirt and some pf fliers! I gave him a hug good night and I don’t know whether that will give him the hint or not…he txted me on the way home what a good time he had, but if I’d really liked him, I would have given him at least a little kiss.

    He thinks of himself as “fun” and “living life to the fullest”, but I just think he’s a punk whose full of himself. Geez — and he was really the only “new” date I had this week…the Viking from Match has asked for my phone number, but hasn’t called yet (he just asked for it yesterday, so I guess I shouldn’t be in such a hurry) and the other guys I’m communicating with seem to have one foot in and one foot out and I feel too lazy to want to try to ‘win’ them over…I don’t feel like I should have to.

  340.  #340Lizzie on September 13, 2010 at 5:50 am

    Girl – Daria is incredibly insightful in her riff and she beautifully explores the dynamic of guilt and accountability –

    Your man is not taking accountability for himself and it feels like he is moving into manipulative behaviours that will suck you in and induce guilt. Just by standing outside of the situation and looking at it – what I see:

    – he had a knee operation and gained weight
    – he gained weight and did nothing about it
    – he feels bad about himself because he did nothing about it and now wants to use having an operation as an excuse – he is not saying he has a gland and hormonal disorder that results in weight gain
    – you are indicating that he has soft fatty flesh hanging out – oh that is a lot of weight gain! That is really not good and will cause even more damage to his knees regardless.
    – he is saying I am doing the best I can or giving you the most … again he is transfering the responsibility to you or an invisible someone else
    – he is saying good luck finding someone else like me – well that is anger all by itself. Getting the message in behind that, again it is another way of saying “it is all your fault”
    – you were feeling at one moment that you could undoo it all by reaching over and initiating sex – wow! what does that tell you? Somehow you recognized that you don’t want to take responsibility for everything – YES! YOU GO GIRL! you are on the right path here – don’t pick up the boat and the oars.
    – he turned down the promotion – this is interesting and I would personally want to explore that one but sufice it to say, his inner workings might show an insecurity that is far deeper than the extra layer around the tummy.

    Seems the sirens are saying to pay close attention to what you have picked up untuitively about your man. He might be a good boyfriend for now. Now might be his place in life and he may struggle to evolve and progress. You are young and at the very beginning of a period of tremendous growth – certainly as a woman, and maybe by your career (although you have not said what you do), maybe you are picking up feelings that your journey with him would be lacking in many other ways than you recognize in your conscious mind.

    Go exploring girl. You have much to discover and there are awesome men out there. This guy has prepared you for the next one – you are gaining clarity on what it is that you really want in a man – and confidence is something you now know you want.

  341.  #341Renee on September 13, 2010 at 5:53 am

    Girl — I think you did the right thing by telling your guy that you’re not attracted to him, but I agree with Barb…if you really loved him in the way that a woman should love her husband, you would find him attractive despite the weight. I know you “love” him, but it just sounds like you’re not “in love” with him and the kindest thing you could do long term would be to set him free so he could find someone who would love him completely the way you deserve to be loved completely and the way you deserve to be turned on.

    I know I’ve said this before, but your situation reminds me so much of mine with a guy I dated years ago…he was a great guy, absolutely great and I really did love him, I just wasn’t “in love” with him and was never going to be and I had to be drunk to want to kiss him, let alone have sex with him. And I thought it was all me — I went to a psychiatrist, got on antidepressants, the whole deal, because obviously there was something wrong with me if I wasn’t interested in having sex with this wonderful man who adored me.

    In the end, I broke up with him using the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuse and I met someone a few months later who drove me crazy in bed and was also great in lots of other ways and that’s what I wish for you — that you let this guy go so you can find the guy you DO want to have sex with as well as talk with and everything else.

    You are a siren and you deserve to have it all — not perfection, of course, but you definiely deserve to have a great physical relationship along with a friendship and it just sounds like all your getting right now is a friendship and I don’t see how that can last as a subsitute for romantic love.

    My parents were heartbroken when I broke up with my nice guy, but I knew it was the right thing to do — it was such a weight off my chest when I did it and I bet you’d feel the same relief. I know you’d miss him as a friend, but is that really all the two of you deserve? What do you think?

  342.  #342tinque on September 13, 2010 at 7:39 am

    “intense, initial flames of chemistry inevitably dying out fairly quickly, although I guess in my head I still have the dream of finding long-lasting love that still gives me butterflies in my stomach.”

    First of all if there is intensity from the beginning, I don’t believe it’s inevitable that it has to fade.
    Secondly, if it’s a quieter rise, as in the chemistry grows with time, I believe here too that your heart can still pitter patter just as much years down the road as in the first blush of love and lust.

    In the beginning for me, I was excited, but it was more about someone finding what I thought was a damaged woman attractive at all.
    The chemistry has intensified over the years. I feel as much if not more excited to see him when he gets home from work than in the early months.
    Sex is better than ever. He makes my pulse race as much as ever.
    And this is all very, very mutual.

  343.  #343Jonathon on September 13, 2010 at 7:44 am

    Hello all you amazing friends of Rori,

    Just wanted to reach out before signing off of this thread and thank you so much for your kind comments and emails, especially those of you who joined my Understand Men Now community.

    Rori and I share much of the same thoughts on dating, relating and mating… we just have different styles.

    As a man who is truly looking for a life partner in the second half of my journey (after much playing), I made the decision to settle down and choose to court a woman.

    My goal is to help women set higher standards for themselves and attract men who are ready to be in a healthy relationship and “court” This is hard work on my part and I believe men need to do their part as well.

    Rori is very generous to share my work with you and I am honored to be a part of her wonderful group.

    Once again, thank you so much and if you want to see more of me, I just started a new facebook group called and you are welcome to join.

    As far as my personal page, I only accept friends who personally email me and tell me who they are and their interest (just like I mentioned on the thread earlier, be selective on who becomes your FB friend).

    Sending you all BIG *smiles*


  344.  #344tinque on September 13, 2010 at 7:45 am

    BarbinOz – I did not CD before K. I was always the kind of girl who was serially monogamous, and in my case it mostly lead to long term relationships, mostly horrible ones though. I don’t know given where I was on my journey at those times if CDing would have helped me or not.
    I found Rori serendipitously six years ago, before she had this site, just as she was starting to coach.
    I was in my relationship with K already. She helped me get through a particularly painful part of my growth. And we’ve been friends ever since.
    Rori invited me to be here.

  345.  #345Mercedes on September 13, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Renee: I have only a minute, but I wanted to let you know, if you’re talking about smoking cigarettes (I know nothing about quitting smoking anything else) then I have a great resource you might keep in mind. J and I quit smoking on December 29, 2009. I’m at 258 days today and I believe you can do it too!

    I signed up at and still read the blogs there sometimes…they can be VERY helpful…supportive…and you see people who quit years ago and are still there encouraging others. They celebrate milestones, etc. You can get emails daily with not only encouragement but your stats as well. There is a paid membership and a free one. I’m on the free one…J is on the paid one…I see no reason to pay based on the few little things he gets that I don’t.

    My email today with my stats (Just to show you what it’s like):

    Quit date December 29, 2009 at 6:00pm. Time smoke free: 257 days, 13 hours, 14 minutes and 11 seconds. Cigarettes not smoked: 5151. Lifetime saved: 1 month, 9 days, 8 hours. Money saved: $1,542.84.

    So anyway…it was very helpful to me at first and sometimes still is. 🙂

    Much Love,

  346.  #346Mercedes on September 13, 2010 at 7:49 am

    BarbinOz: I found Rori after J and I had come off a terrible time in our relationship. He had cheated on me, we worked it all out and I was committed to doing MY part to make sure we never again went down a path that would make him feel the need to stray (he did his part as well…and THEN SOME…but I knew I had to take responsibility for my own part in the relationship as well). I searched for ways to keep the relationship alive and strong, etc. That’s how I found Rori. I was already doing much of what she teaches (even circular dating before I knew it was a term) but loved the constant reminders and the constant encouragement she offers.

    Much Love,

  347.  #347Lizzie on September 13, 2010 at 7:53 am

    Yeah tinque – that is so what I want – and I just know it is possible!

    I was seeing a really nice man last fall – I did the 3 real dates with him. He was so lovely – bought me gifts, took me out, brought flowers, was so kind….and no matter what, I just couldn’t kiss him. He was cute, big but I could see past that, but I just couldn’t do it. I had to let him go. All I could think of was that the flames of chemistry would never happen for me – oh how sad. Then I met a married guy. I was shocked at how powerful the vibe was with this totally unasuming guy. I just wanted to feel all of that excitement and power for a while – and it was terrific fun for a few months. Interestingly, he is the one who went all drama on me so it had to come to an end – and since I was not invested in the outcome, it took only a day or so to get over it – I knew from the beginning it was all about the sex and I would want to have a real relationship at some point along the way; it was good it ended when it did . The great thing about that experience was how mind-blowing the energy and vibes were. I now know it is so wonderfully possible – he was a terrific messanger.

  348.  #348tinque on September 13, 2010 at 8:03 am

    Lizzie and others – There is something else I failed to mention. I went through around a three year period many years ago where I started to think maybe I was frigid. If you know anything about me now and my work, this sentence would make you laugh out loud.
    But seriously, every guy I went out with would turn me off, and sex? major yuck, turn off, disgust, ewwwww.
    And then there was K.
    The light turned on in a BIG way. My hormones went berserk, and they haven’t stopped since.

  349.  #349Lizzie on September 13, 2010 at 8:08 am

    tinque – I hope Girl reads this message – it is so important!!! I firmly believe the right man will trigger “cracking me open”. I know for sure I will absolutely only get involved with someone who is an awesome lover for me. This feeling part is so strong, I don’t believe I could ever live in a relationship without it again – I did that for 18 years – nope, never.

  350.  #350Sunny on September 13, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Oh HELP!

    Jonathan can you please weigh in on this?

    I just got the eletter about chasing a man and I’m all kinds of confused.

    I’m in a committed & exclusive and long term forever thing with my man. How do I find the balance between being loving and feminine and leaning forward?

    I do send cards to him sometimes, and I do email him, but for the most part I don’t call (because I hate the phone) but also because he calls me. Every day. Sometimes more than once a day…

    He is the driver of us, but I know he loves it when I let him know how much he rocks my world.

    We are 4 years now and looking forward to forever.

    I would *really* love a book/blog/program designed for keeping everything good. I’m in it, all of the tools worked, I’m growing more healthy every day. He is wonderful and wants me to have everything I want. Including his forever. We’re planning to move in together in the next 6 months or so. No marriage, because I don’t want that, but we are totally committed…

  351.  #351Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 8:25 am

    I feel like such a f*cking idiot:( I have been working for a company for the last 4 years and now work for them part time. I quit my full time job to take a job with said company… i counter offered with a higher salary and quicker access to benefits, and my boss said I rubbed him the wrong way and threw the original job offer in his face.

    i feel stupid stupid stupid.

    i thought i was doing the right thing being formal and requesting and justifying what I wanted.

  352.  #352girl on September 13, 2010 at 8:33 am

    I feel very very grateful for all the wonderful responses from you brilliant women! Daria, your powers of insight are awesome!! I didn’t even mention the part where he said that my tone on the phone (when he broke the news that he isn’t taking a promotion) “ruined his day”. Or the part where he said “I’ve done everything right, and this is what it gets me.” Or the parts when I wasn’t feelin it, and he kept telling me how much he loves me (as if his feelings of love should negate my feelings of ‘bad’).
    He was willing to hear what it is about sex that I didn’t like, but I just said that I don’t know why, but I’m not interested in sex at all. So, I believe he was willing to take some responsibility, but I didn’t let him know how. I don’t really know how.
    This all feels insane. just Saturday night, I was cooking things I was excited for him to try, I missed him while I was grocery shopping. But then when i felt like I HAD to have sex with him or we might end up in a conversation like we had last night, I got on top of him and closed my eyes and angrily screwed him while he moaned in a way that did feel very feminine (which is why I find it amazing that Daria picked up on how I’m taking the masculine role with sex). This dynamic was played up big time when he had his knee surgery. I had a definite feeling that he wanted me to “take care of him” sexually, and I just did not feel inspired, and I felt pressure. I also do feel resentful of the way there has been a lot of focus on His feelings over mine. He’s very masculine in the way he pursues me, but I would love to feel a masculine presence that gives me that weak in the knees feeling.
    And I agree that some extra weight doesn’t have to be a major turn off. All i know is that the sex feels icky.
    He definitely has been super wonderful in many ways that I will always appreciate. This feels pretty sad. I have that scary look that happens when you fall asleep crying. My eyes are all swollen and red..yikes.
    Thanks again Ladies!!! I really needed someone to talk to about all this, and I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with my friends who also know him. Thank you!!

  353.  #353girl on September 13, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Man Dorothea, I’m sorry that happened. I hate to hear you call yourself stupid. I admire that you had the guts to ask for more. And I don’t like that this guy basically showed you who’s boss.

  354.  #354Erika Awakening on September 13, 2010 at 8:37 am

    “I have a friend who a few years back tried to convince me and her that just like some women can’t have babies, some women are destined to live alone forever more without love , I told her she was bloody depressing me LOL!!”

    BarbinOz, yeah, this is what I call a LIMITING BELIEF, and it’s only as “true” as someone believes it to be … and if we apply HBR to this belief, it is exposed for the complete and utter BULLSHIT that it really is … and the so-called “doomed” woman ends up with happily ever after, babies, marriage, or whatever she wants … 🙂

    I agree with Daria about the insecurity. What men (and women) telegraph in their “vibe” is their level of true inner confidence and self-love … and a guy can be short, fat, and balding, and still do well with women if he truly loves himself and others.

  355.  #355Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 8:52 am

    He told me that “a better way to have gone about it would have been….”

    ok, lesson learned.

    i still feel retarded.

  356.  #356Denise on September 13, 2010 at 8:55 am


    Dorthea, I’m sure that was a blow! Grrrrr….a temporary setback.

    Dust yourself off girlfriend…it’s not what you do, it’s what you do NEXT!

    Rejection is God’s protection – something in the universe did not want this happen.

  357.  #357Denise on September 13, 2010 at 8:58 am


    But seriously, every guy I went out with would turn me off, and sex? major yuck, turn off, disgust, ewwwww.

    Thanks so much for saying this! Normally a woman with a high sex drive, I have recently been uninspired by any man I go out on a date with (and on more than a sexual level as well). I don’t feel numb to sex, but neither do I feel sexually inspired. Good to know others have felt the same way….

    I think it’s just not my time, the universe has a master plan for me and I’m excited to see what it is!

  358.  #358Renee on September 13, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Tinque — Thanks again for the pep talk about Blondie…I think I’m also having issues with the fact that he’s not very playful and I miss that in a person…the guy from Nashville I was so crazy about a few years ago (who I let jerk me around for going on 2 years) was so much fun and so playful — I think that was one of the things I found addicting about him.

    So I don’t know if it’s just a sexual thing with this guy or not…he’s not a bad kisser, but I want to laugh and play and he just doesn’t seem capable of inspiring much fun!

    Mercedes — Yes, I am talking about quitting cigarettes and thanks for the tip. I quit once before using the herbal supplement “Smoke Away” and that’s what I’m doing this time…I’m taking it day by day…today, no smoking til noon…tomorrow and Wednesday, no smoking until 5pm, Thursday and Friday, no smoking until 11pm (if I’m still awake) and by Saturday, I’ll be done completely. It’s not an orthodox way to go about it, but it worked for me a few years ago and it seems to be a kinder, gentler method of getting used to it than just up and quitting in one day.

  359.  #359Brenda on September 13, 2010 at 9:48 am


    Hugs and compassion to your weak parts. Please remember to be gentle with your self.


  360.  #360Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 10:10 am

    He says the offer still stands…so that’s good.

  361.  #361Denise on September 13, 2010 at 10:12 am


    Well that’s great Dorothea, do you still want the offer given what has transpired? Only you know the situation, but just asking the question.

  362.  #362Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 10:32 am

    yeah, he said overall that he would see if he can get me a bit more money, and see if he can get me vested in sooner to profit sharing (or if it is set in legal stone). He said let’s talk thursday, but i am scared that between now and then they’ll lose interest.

    to lean back or to lean forward and suggest that i take the offer as-is?


  363.  #363AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 10:43 am

    I’m just getting caught up, and WOW

    What a beautiful and painful and inspiring thread. Thank you to all who are posting here.

    Jennifer- that felt like a serious eye opening discovery. I can totally relate. Fear is what is underneath most of my triggers.

    BarbinOz- I LOVE #253

    Daria- that was some awesome mind-expanding processing. Thanks.

  364.  #364AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 10:45 am


    I’m sorry you felt attacked (or I felt like you were attacked). Is there any way to thank your boss for teaching you a better way to handle this? It may help him feel strong and powerful and have a result of having him fight on your behalf. And it may shift your vibe in other ways too.

  365.  #365Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 10:49 am

    amber, i tried to go at it like “lesson learned, thanks” but it was probably kinda weaksauce…he really caught me off guard so i got a little tough on the outside

    i think moving forward i am just gonna forget about it, put it behind me. i mean, who am i kidding, i am taking this job either way. hah.

  366.  #366AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 10:53 am



  367.  #367Daria on September 13, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Barbinoz – the mighty ganja can do many things. It did make me paranoid for years . I’ve found since I started seeing it as sacred, and setting an intent of worship, that that is much less of an occurrence – I heard that smoking ganja reveals you to yourself, and much of my paranoia was of my negative thoughts being revealed to me… That is how I see that now.

    I spent a day with a born rasta and saw how he treated the ganja. Not so much about the mundane but the sacred.

  368.  #368Tina on September 13, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Hi baby, good morning or afternoon should i say. I just wanted to tell you that i love you and you are radiating a pink glow of pure awesomeness. . like cupcakes! MUAH!!!! i love you and i hope you have a great day…… talk to you later….

    I feel like a cupcake! I woke up with this on my desktop, its from eggshell man.

  369.  #369Denise on September 13, 2010 at 11:24 am


    Okay, I don’t know you, but I would say lean back and have faith that the universe will send you what you need. Be patient (one of the hardest things to do!). If it’s meant to be, it will work out.


    They cannot accelerate vesting for you only, I work in the business :).

  370.  #370Brenda on September 13, 2010 at 11:48 am

    I’m lurking today, because I’m trying to be a good girl and do my job.

  371.  #371Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Thanks Denise. I understand now that vesting is bound to minimums, but it’s like…couldn’t he have just said so, instead of laughing at me? and saying i have no idea what i’m talking about? so weird. he must have felt really offended by my response.

  372.  #372Jacqueline on September 13, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    @ Dorothea – he reacted submissively because he felt rejection in the situation? and could not react with a counter offer….so he went with an undermining? How does that feel in your gut?

  373.  #373Jacqueline on September 13, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    @Erika!! So, if you have to release a limiting belief, yet this woman just did it on a 12 page letter….found happily ever after, as many people do – HOW do they do it without releasing limiting beliefs. That question has fascinated me for a long time!

  374.  #374Tina on September 13, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Hey guess what? Im getting satellite dish for high speed 🙂 I know this may sound like not much to you all but its a biggie for me 🙂 I got a deal for free installation so yeah, I feel excited wooohooo!

  375.  #375Jacqueline on September 13, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    ps Dorothea – I’m sure you’re stressing, or at least I would be…just focus on smooth smooth transition feelings?? and be aware that stuff’s gonna come up with any change?

    how does that feel – what do you think?


  376.  #376Tina on September 13, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Im a woman of yesterday 🙂

  377.  #377Tina on September 13, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    ok i just changed my mind, Im a Goddess Warrior Woman , timeless 🙂 ok there I feel better

  378.  #378Daria on September 13, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Tina- yeah you are Queen

  379.  #379Tina on September 13, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    I talked too an older man, he said to me , he doesnt like a woman he can control because he says he would ruin her. He said his “girlfriend” calls him every night, and seemed quite pleased with this, I thought oh my he hasnt met a Siren yet dummy!

  380.  #380Tina on September 13, 2010 at 12:30 pm


  381.  #381girl on September 13, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Okay, I’m beginning to feel good. i realize I was feeling resistant to the idea that I might be scared of being alone, but the truth is that I felt scared that I may never have an ‘ideal’ relationship, scared of hurting him, and sad about losing the good parts of what we had. Now, I feel good about refusing to stay out of guilt and worry. I’ll be in a relationship that feels good (sex, friendship and commitment).

  382.  #382Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Jacqueline – 368 – I have wondered about that too. In the case of the 12 page letter, however, I could see how that experience by itself would send limiting beliefs flying out the window.

  383.  #383Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    the socioeconomic filter did not filter me out of the elite dating site. I got accepted.
    And now I’m freaking out.
    There are dudes on there with jobs and stuff…jobs and hobbies.
    And interests, who have read books. And stuff and things and stuff.
    I’m freaking out.
    I indicated interest in two of them…then I had to stop. Cause I felt freaked out.

  384.  #384AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 1:43 pm


    Wow! From my desk chair it looks like you had a serious AHA! moment and now this is opening up for you.

    I am so excited for you! Bye bye fear. Hello yummy goodness and pre qualified men!

  385.  #385Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Jacqueline, the things you said about my job and the transition and my boss feel pretty spot on. He was emotionally distraught. I hurt his feelings. I made him feel inadequate. This is not my fault. It simply colored his reaction.

    I am feeling better and better. time heals all job awkwardness wounds.

  386.  #386Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 2:00 pm


  387.  #387AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    I want some thing to write about on the blog except how much I feel bad and can’t get up the guts to wink at men on line and have no dates.

    I want to write about how i feel good, how powerful i am, how i turned it all around because I SAID SO and I JENNIFER AM IMPORTANT.

    just takin’ a trip down memory lane…

  388.  #388Dorothea on September 13, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Girl, I know you’re going through a bit of a weird time, to say the least, but you inspired me to talk to my LI about our sex life, and how i could enjoy it more. it went really well. thank you for your bravery. it inspired mine.:D

  389.  #389Jacqueline on September 13, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Hey Amber dahling…..

    symbols are powerful things, and so are changes and equinoxes – although I prefer solstices….

    thanks for reading blog and wow, Ka Baam! Reiki coincidence or …..


    I miss drawing down the moon – I’m so close to the water the mosquitoes prevent midnight naked dancing…so well, I built window room???

    Smiles and hope you had a good weekend!!!


  390.  #390Renee on September 13, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Girl — Obviously, you are the only one who knows how you feel, but my take on the situation was that you were afraid of being alone and although this relationship isn’t working for you, you were afraid that another better relationship wouldn’t come along. Does that sound right?

  391.  #391BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:08 pm


  392.  #392BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    #335 Renee, you have a partner in you quit smoking club, yes ME!! I am on Day 2 so lets just DO IT!! Thanks for the tip Mercedes # 341I will join that site tonight, I like the idea of a daily email 🙂

  393.  #393BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    #340 Tinque and #341 Mercedes

    Thanks for your explanations of how you found RR and what this whole experience has been like for you CD’ing conventionally or CD’ing yourself, actually I would like to know a little about that for my gf who is interested….

    Thanks again ladies, much love and light to you both and I am happy you have found love with good decent men.

  394.  #394BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    #362 Daria

    Interesting stuff there about ganja and the Rasta way of looking at things, I have never been a fan of ganja myself, but I am a Bob Marley fan and have his “Jammin’ as the ring tone on my phone, now when it rings I will think of Daria 😀

  395.  #395BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    #368 Jacqueline and #371 Lucy

    Self limiting beliefs…………well not sure how that works because said friend had got engaged to an old boyfriend D here in Oz when I was on my year in England (!!) I’d never met this guy so was all excited for her, we arranged to meet for lunch though she had told me she was “settling” with D, I was dying to see the sparkler, I got there and she told me all about how about 3-4 years ago she had written on the school friends reunited site trying to find P but heard nothing until she got this 12 page letter out of the blue, honestly it has been like a Hollywood movie, she broke off the engagement with D, flew to the UK to meet P – he was/is married but in a loveless/sexless marriage with a lady much older than him and was miserable and unhappy.

    He has left his wife and he and my friend have moved in together, it has been a real emotional roller coaster but she says she has never been happier in her life…………..


  396.  #396AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 3:51 pm


    Skyclad= very little room for pretense. I miss it, too. That almost feels like a different lifetime. Yes- Solstice always feels like a celebration! Equinox… even the word sounds like balancing. Loved your tarot article. I owe you an email, but I’m voting with my actions, so to speak. Or stalking you all over the web, if you’re prone to paranoia. LOL

  397.  #397AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 3:55 pm


    So I now have violent lightening streaking across my sky and HAIL. The air smells like a seam in the earth split wide open.

    Oh, Jacqueline… what did we awaken?

  398.  #398girl on September 13, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    It’s partially true that I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to find something better and that i would end up alone. But mostly because I think he is great and I really like our relationship.
    But it got to the point where I really was hating the sex, so I’m glad that I am holding out for something better (whether it’s him or not).
    It feels great to hear that you consider me brave for bringing it up. I’m glad the conversation went well for you!

    I just heard from him – he says that he tried to turn down the promotion and that his company is encouraging him to think some more. they are giving him till Thursday. Now I feel good about us being separate for no so that he can make his own decision.

  399.  #399Renee on September 13, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    Barb — Good for you!! That is so awesome that you can be my quitting buddy! What smoking aids (if any) are you using to help you quit? I’m just using the herbal ‘Smoke Away’ stuff that I used when I quit a few years ago…it really seemed to help, but of course, you have to really want to do it.

    I’ve been short of breath lately (despite working out) and I’m afraid I may have done irreparable damage to my body…I knew I’d quit for good “one day”, but “one day” just kept getting pushed back…I haven’t been a public smoker in years though and haven’t smoked in my vehicle in years either, so I’m hoping as long as I stay kind of busy that it will just become my new habit…I’m really worried about gaining weight though…I’m fairly small now but went through a period where I was quite large about 15 years ago and it took me years to finally get down to the weight I’ve been at for the past 5 years. But this is something I simply must do.

    I had a chest x-ray this morning and tomorrow I’m gettiing blood work drawn, so let’s just hope they turn out ok…I fear I have either lung cancer or emphysema and I don’t know what I’d do if either of those turns out to be true. Would appreciate any prayers that my shortness of breathe is really nothing and will subside once I quit!

  400.  #400Renee on September 13, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Girl — Dorothea is right — it was very brave of you to bring this up. It’s not easy saying things you know will hurt someone you care about…if you didn’t care, you could just blurt them out and not give a darn, but obviously you do care about this man, which is why you’re torn. But I think it’s for the best that you’re apart right now…he needs to do what’s best for him and he deserves someone who looks forward to sex with him, whoever that may be.

    And of course you, as a Goddess/Siren, deserve the same thing — God didn’t give us the gift of sexuality to squander…He gave it to us to treasure and enjoy and I hope you find that with someone, I really do:-).

  401.  #401BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    Renee, #394

    Oh shush!! It is just the smoking making you short of breath, NOTHING else, and that will go within weeks!! I got tested on a lung capacity thingie once when I was about 40 and it told me I had the lungs of a 85 year old woman!!!! Yes I quit that time too!!

    I am on patches and lozenges and chewing gum and Cinnamon Eclipse mints LOL!!


  402.  #402BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    dammit, pressed the wrong key before I had finished, not on my own computer, I am at work at the airport where I just found out they have internet access…..evil grin……

    I AM REALLY REALLY scared about putting on weight too Renee, but I have read if you watch yourself and DON’T substitute one oral fix for another, ie CHOCOLATE and SWEETS for cigarettes, the most you will put on is a few wee pounds, I think what I will do is exercise more so it kind of balances out what do you think?

  403.  #403girl on September 13, 2010 at 4:15 pm

    Thanks Renee!

  404.  #404Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    I am voting for all you lovely Sirens intending to quit smoking!! Love and prayers and courage to you all! <3

  405.  #405BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    Renee, re smoking

    I have spent MANY years reading all this self healing stuff, Louise Hays, Dr Wayne Dyer, The Law of Attraction, The Secret, The Four Agreeements, all that kind of stuff and if you read Jerry and Esther Hicks (Abraham) they will tell you that smoking is only bad for you if you BELIEVE it is, so for many years I have chosen not to have that belief.

    I LOVE smoking but I really can’t afford to any longer as the cost has become prohibitive, so for me as much as I have loved our passionate life long affair I am leaving my old lover Mr Nicotine, goodbye you are dumped!!

  406.  #406Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I feel freaked out.
    AmberS…thanks for the reminder, but I’m not there yet.
    There are guys on the site that are like a warehouse worker…how does a warehouse worker get on an executive site? Probably the same way a practical nurse does.
    So now I feel suspicious.
    I am trying to love my suspicious feelings.
    They try to keep me safe from dissapointment.

  407.  #407FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 4:51 pm


    Does anyone have any experience to share with me on being in a relationship with a passive aggressive man?

    He just accused me of being one and of course out of my guilt that oh my gosh is there something wrong with me, I immediately went to research it online only to discover that it seemed to fit him to the letter.

    After I confronted him about seeing his ex behind my back and how angry I felt, he totally turned the entire focus off of him, denied it, and said I had written the script (laundry list of things I did) and I abandoned him.

    I am in shock over the description of passive aggressive. I feel afraid of him for the first time in my history with him. Like i have been turning myself inside out to get our relationship right for 4 years, and maybe he just is not capable of it?

    Thanks for listening. I feel like someone just hit me in the stomach.

  408.  #408Renee on September 13, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    Barb — Thanks again for the encouragement. I quite once before and didn’t really gain any weight, but I was heavier then and had a little more wiggle room with my weight than I do now. When you weigh 125lb, 3 pounds seems to really show up!

    I hope you’re right about the breathlessness just being due to smoking…the dr. was encouraging, but I think it’s his job to be optimistic and not frighten patients to death, but I’ve been carrying this fear for a few months now and it probably hasn’t helped my overall mental state any. It will probably be a huge relief to find out I just needed to quit smoking, but I guess we’ll just have to see.

    Lucy — thanks for your support as well. I may spend more time blabbing about my life over the coming days, so you all may get tired of reading about me, lol.

    So…I’m guessing your surprise the other day had to do w/WH? I am guessing that he didn’t log onto Match recently and that made you feel good? I know you’re probably not going to tell me, but that’s what I imagined in my head when you gave me your criptive description:-).

  409.  #409BarbinOz on September 13, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    #402, FinallyFern

    Just hang in there one of the Sirens will be along soon to help you, I have no words of wisdom just wanted to give you a little comfort…….

    I don’t know if your man has cheated on you or not, but I DO remember my ex husband always used to turn it around onto me, I was making things up, it was all in my head, I was jealous for no reason, I was probably having an affair myself (!!!) etc……turns out years later when I found out for real he had been cheating because he told me when it was finished for us once and for all, it wasn’t in my head at all.

    I should have done all those years ago what I advocate people should do now and I will take my own advise when the time comes…………..

    Listen to your GUT feeling, what does it tell you, not your over analysing chattering drive you crazy brain, your GUT…………….and therein lies the truth.

    Take Care Fern x

  410.  #410Jacqueline on September 13, 2010 at 5:13 pm

    Hey Fern….yep we’ve jumped to newest SEX thread. I HATE HATE HATE passive agressive – I’d so much rather just have AGRESSION!!! so….this is what my friend says that does passive agressive very well….if they’re accusing you of it, they’re doing it.

    Since I won’t allow it to be around me, I can’t really talk about it – there’s usually a lull around 7 – 8ish, but try on newer post, ‘kay?

    Glad you’re here today – and maybe someone knows an old post link?

    I read every single old post of Roris and learned a bunch!

    Take care,

  411.  #411AmberS on September 13, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Hey Jennifer-

    I’m so excited for you! Of course you’re not THERE yet, you’re HERE! And this is a great place to be. In fact, this is exactly where you are supposed to be, this being exactly where your life has led!

    Just so you know- the receptionist at Google is a millionaire.

    I’m wondering about a warehouse worker who has financial stability and possible alternate income streams and is widely read and has incredible hobbies and is in great physical shape because he gets paid to work physically. Sounds like he could be quite a guy…

    Some of my own best times were when I worked as a temp after shutting down my company. Yup! When people asked what I was doing I told them “I’m working as a receptionist in a car dealership”. And I had more fun, did more growing and loved being me instead of what I did for a living. When I got off work I was totally ready to talk philosophy or politics or science because I hadn’t burnt myself out writing code all day.

    You are an amazing woman. I love your ability to analyze and your quick mind and how your BS detector runs interference for you.

    Until it gets in the way.

    I feel frustrated. It looks to me that you’re not giving yourself the credit you deserve. You are making changes to your life and how you look at your life and how you choose to be…

    I am willing to release the need to be disappointed. I am willing to release the expectation of disappointment.
    I am treating this as a wonderful game where my own happiness is the prize, and I am only playing for my own enjoyment…

  412.  #412Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    I am in no postition to give advice …I will let the other sirens who are better qualified do that.
    I will tell you I empathise with you.
    I was in a passive/agressive relationship for 6 years.
    Anything that he did that I didn’t like inevitably led back to …you guessed it….me.
    I know how crazy that makes one feel.
    Like you don’t know if yer up or down.
    If I was angry..I was over matter what he had done…spend all day surfing porn while I was working, open a new bank account to put his new salary in while leaving me on the hook for the overdraft in the old account…it didn’t matter. It was NEVER his fault, or responsibility.
    Please be assured that it IS possible to get your brain straightened around, to make sense of situations.
    Be brave.

  413.  #413Jacqueline on September 13, 2010 at 5:16 pm

    Renee, my mother died of emphazema (I know spelled wrong) and yes, you do not want to go there. I will pray for you absolutely and the lungs are regenerative to an amazing degree – I think the only thing more able might be skin and liver? so all is not lost, and you may have allergies – fall pollen stuff or a bronchial infection too….stay calm and simply allow yourself to feel safe!


  414.  #414Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Renee….Kudos on quitting smoking…
    Breathlessness can be a whack of different things.
    Try not to freak out…just breathe your way throuhg it and see if a little gratitude journalling might help. Find three things you feel truly grateful for and write them out…heres why I like this therapy and recommend it for my patients.
    Being stressed out causes your brain to release a whack of different chemicals. They are designed to help you run away if you need to escape danger (your brain cant’ tell real danger from stress) they slow your metabolism, raise your blood pressure, increase your inflamatory response and lower your immunity.
    Cause you don’t need immunity to run away….
    Journaling in gratitude takes your mind off of the stuff that stressess you and allows your brain to stop flooding your body with nasty chemicals. It allows your immunity to come back up. It also requires you to focus…which sometimes people can’t do when meditating.
    Dont’ forget to get lots of fluids that are NOT pop or crap juice and at least three servings of protiene a day.
    Feel better

  415.  #415Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    Thanks for the support….
    I feel afraid cause of the passive agressive stuff with B.
    Which fern is also dealing with.
    Me and fern dealing with passive agressive.
    Hello universe. I know there’s a message here. I am waiting patiently to understand it.
    Passive Agressive SUCK A$$
    IT makes ME ANGRY!!!!!

  416.  #416Erika Awakening on September 13, 2010 at 5:45 pm

    @Jacqueline, it’s a good question …

    Quick post before three back to back sessions tonight …

    I believe God put me in the most desperate of situations so that I would have no choice but to create a methodology that would change the world.

    I tried *everything* to get out of my nightmarish situation, and nothing worked until I created this methodology.

    Can someone change a limiting belief with a 12-page letter? Sure.

    Have they then realized their full potential for happiness and fulfillment? Unlikely.

    My method is not about just changing a limiting belief here or there by writing a 12-page letter or playing pin the tail on the donkey and hoping something sticks. My method is about sculpting every little bit of your life to be EXACTLY the way you always hoped it would be (but gave up somewhere along the way, thinking you had to be “realistic”).

  417.  #417Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    FinallyFern, my ex-h was classic passive-aggressive (among other things) — and I have realized now, with Rori’s materials and tools, that I *could* have shifted that part of our problem — all her tools are great for that issue.

  418.  #418FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 5:48 pm


    Did you finally walk away from the relationship with the passive aggressive man?

  419.  #419Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Renee, not quite, but in the ballpark. 😉

  420.  #420Erika Awakening on September 13, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Quick update on the HBR call …

    Brenda has done an awesome job of organizing, and we now have 20 participants. I would like to choose a day and time that work for the maximum number of people.

    I am leaning toward 2 pm- 3:30 pm Pacific time on Sunday, September 19. I only want to choose this time, though, if nearly everyone can do it then. It’s not too late to sign up, by the way, just email Brenda or me to join the group.

    Brenda, if you are seeing this post and would like to poll everyone to see who can commit to that date/time, that would be great. If you don’t see this post, I will email everyone when I have a bit more time.

    The alternative would be to postpone the call until the weekend of October 2-3 because the Sept. 25-26 weekend I’ll be in Hollywood speaking at the 2010 PUA World Summit (which women are quite welcome to attend, and believe me, it’s a fantastic experience and opportunity to learn about men).

    Please let me know any preferences about timing. I feel very excited for this call … I’m excited to share how fun and amazing this HBR technology really is, and we will have several coaches on the call as well 🙂

  421.  #421FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 5:53 pm


    Thanks for responding. I am just discovering today that this may be what I have been in for years now. And I am thinking that maybe Rori’s toxic man could help me, but tonight after facing that I may have been with a man with this type of personality, I feel scared. I worded very hard to find my instinct, my inner voice. I am not sure I feel safe enough to let someone mess with that part of me.

    It almost feels like a dead end street. I held on for so long cuz I always felt that I was somehow a major contributor to why our relationship was in this state despite trying so many of Rori’s tools for almost 2 years.

  422.  #422Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    “Can someone change a limiting belief with a 12-page letter? Sure.

    “Have they then realized their full potential for happiness and fulfillment? Unlikely.”

    Well put, Erika! 🙂

  423.  #423Erika Awakening on September 13, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    One final post (damn, I wish there were at least two of me right now … lol)

    I’ve been attracting a lot of clients recently who are working on both their love life and starting a new business at the same time …

    Because HBR is a HOLISTIC method, we notice a lot of parallels between what’s hanging them up in their love life and their business life, and when we clear the limiting beliefs in one area, the other area also tends to open up … really awesome 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Anyway, I noticed a parallel in my own life today as well. I noticed that in this transition to leave my day job and coach full time, I am feeling a wonderful sense of vulnerability …

    A salaried job is very emotionally insulating in some ways, just like the “old” ways of doing relationships. I always know the paycheck is going to be in the bank account every two weeks.

    I noticed a parallel between my old “independent woman, I don’t want to be dependent on a man” way of living and my “independent woman, I don’t want to depend on the vagaries of the economy or on other people to make a living” ….

    And I’m really enjoying the scary yet exhilarating vulnerability of starting to transition to being INTERDEPENDENT on my clients for my livelihood … I notice it’s not really any different than entering into deeper intimacy and interdependence with a man … requires really honest and open communication … putting myself out there … risking rejection … risking not getting my financial needs met … a tremendous amount of personal vulnerability …

    So I just wanted to share that … as I get more and more naked in the world … lol 🙂

  424.  #424Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    FinallyFern, I feel like hugging you. If you feel scared, let yourself feel that fear, BUT — please don’t listen to “stories” — hopeless thoughts that really may not be true at all and are just serving to fuel fear and anxiety and paralyze you.

    Are you married to him? I don’t recall the details, sorry! How long have you been together?

  425.  #425Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Erika, very cool parallel stuff. Thanks for sharing. 🙂

  426.  #426Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Yes I did. I know Rori has some great tools for shifting that. But for me, personally…enough was enough. He lied to me and abandoned me and was using sex as a weapon.
    I hope hope hope hope hope that you can have a better outcome in your relationship than I did.

  427.  #427Lucy on September 13, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    Fern, this could be totally from outer space and my crazy imagination, but I just felt impressed to sing you this lullaby:

    Hush, little baby, don’t say a word,
    Mama’s gonna buy you a mockingbird.

    If that mockingbird don’t sing,
    Mama’s gonna buy you a diamond ring.

    If that diamond ring turns to brass,
    Mama’s gonna buy you a looking glass.

    If that looking glass gets broke,
    Mama’s gonna buy you a billy-goat.

    If that billy-goat won’t pull,
    Mama’s gonna buy you a cart and bull.

    If that cart and bull turns over,
    Mama’s gonna buy you a dog named Rover.

    If that dog named Rover won’t bark,
    Mama’s gonna buy you a horse and cart.

    If that horse and cart falls down,
    You’ll still be the sweetest little baby in town.


  428.  #428Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Oh, and just for the record…I accept responsibility for my part in that train wreck of a relationship. I don’t want you to think that I think I was some sort of helpless victim. There are far fewer of those in the world than we would have ourselves believe.
    I used to have a hard time with boundaries.
    I figured if I gave him EVERYTHING he wanted eventually I would build up some kind of equity and I would start getting what I wanted.
    Eventually since I was giving and giving and not getting I would allow myself to get drained…then…the redheaded temper would come out.
    I’m a screamer and a thrower of things.
    I accept that this is my part of the train wreck…regardless, I did not deserve to be abandoned and left finacially vunerable. A man who would do that sort of thing once (as far as I am concerned) would do it again…probably while I was on a military base somewhere on the other side of the country.
    I didn’t feel safe with him…so I left him. I DID tell him I would let him show me what he wanted …ie me…he showed me whinning and emails and more whinning and a refusal to take responsibility for his shit…so I got bored and wandered away.

  429.  #429Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    Gaaak…”school yard” guy is messaging me on FB. Am I sipping on JD? Cause we had a drink together once?

  430.  #430FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 6:39 pm


    Thank you for the hug, and the lullabye. I have gotten myself past the initial shock of this discover thanks to you lovely ladies. 🙂 And the lullabye, well that was so intuitive of you, as the day has left me feeling drained and I could sure use some rest! It felt comforting.

    And no, I am not married to him so I guess that is a big plus in this.

    Thanks so much!!
    xo Fern

  431.  #431FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 6:45 pm


    You seem strong to me, so leaving was good for you! I am feeling like I may be at the point of no return in me also. I just do not have any strenght left in me for that kind of fight. I too feel like I certainly played a HUGE part in allowing this to happen, as I said, I was the classic enabler. I am not feeling like I am a victim, I am feeling bad that I too have a hard time with boundaries and listening to my inner voice and instinct, even when I know it is the truth. My instinct now tells me that it will be ok and that I will someday look at this as another learning lesson in my life.

    It is an eye opener for sure though, since the previous 2 relationships I were in were emotionally abusive in one form or another. My self-esteem and confidence could use some attention and work. After seeing my tendency to ignore red flags, I think that the silver lining here may be that I am now finally on a road of self discovery to learning more about my “weaknesses” and using all the tools I can get to make me to a place where I will someday be ready for a healthy man who can love and give without distorting my reality.

    XOXO Fern

  432.  #432FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    I so want the help to just work on me so that I am able to use my instinct to know when a man is not safe for me personally.

  433.  #433Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Fern…I’m glad you think I’m strong…just read back at my other posts for a dose of reality..
    I have plenty of days when I feel really weak and afraid…like today. I’m scared of real men. Men who can see me. I have to keep reminding myself that a new man isn’t B.
    I also still have days when I wonder if leaving him was the right thing to do.
    I am just trying to be as honest as possible. Completely open.

  434.  #434FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 6:53 pm


    You seem to have such good self-knowledge. To me that is strength.

  435.  #435FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    What is your definition of “real men”?

  436.  #436Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    Real men= men who lead, who show me the plan. Who dont lie, who are loyal. Who tell me what the problem is, if there is one. Who have a job.
    Men who can hear me when I talk.
    Men who don’t leave me hanging…like financially or like getting yelled at in public and I turn around and they are gone.
    Men who don’t punish.
    That’s just my definition…the other sirens may have different.

  437.  #437Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    now school yard guy is asking when we are going out for a drink.
    I said…when are you going to plan it?
    I should have maybe used a feeling message there.

  438.  #438FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Jennifer….. I like your definition. It resonates with many of my thoughts of what defines a real man. I know I have had some fears about these real men too, but I think it is like Rori has said in her programs. It is somehow my nasty voice telling me I am not good enough for these real men. So I am beginning to see that my past history has been to go after a man who appears “misunderstood’ or had a bad life, bad marriage, unappreciated, etc. This type of man I felt could appreciate my giving nature and would want to cherish me. What an eye opener at my age to finally see that it was like looking for man to help me feel not good enough.
    I hope your feelings of fear tonight turn around for you so that you can feel good about the warmth and strength you let flow from you. I felt it all the way on this tiny little beach town on north east. 🙂

    I’d love to talk again about the steps you took to build up your self esteem which enabled you to hold onto your boundaries. That is one of my first personal goals.

    xo Fern

  439.  #439FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    hmm, I loved your coy comment to the school yard guy. I suppose you could always come back with a feeling message now………… “This drink I am sipping feels so good, it feels like it is going right to me head and I feel a bit embarrased over my last comment. 🙂

  440.  #440Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    This feels good.
    Real man list.
    Men who introduce me to thier friends, who don’t leave me standing embarassed in the middle of the room.
    Men who dont leave me alone when I’m sick and my dad is sick and my sister is yelling at me about her wedding, they dont go to a buddy’s bday party.
    Men who put me on the paperwork for the military so if anything happens I am taken care of.
    Men who dont let thier mothers call me fat.
    Men who like to have sex with me and let me know with some sort of response.
    Men who dont have hundreds of pictures of other women.
    Men who hear me when I say something bad happened to me …and they respond.
    Men who show up with presents on time.
    Men who notice a sexy new red dress.
    Men who would hold my baby nephew.
    Now it just feels like whinning.

  441.  #441FinallyFern on September 13, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Not whinning, just your reminder of all the things you had, and no longer want or need!!
    ok time for me to sign off. I feel exhausted. Thanks again for what you did tonight, I do not know if you could fully understood how I needed an understanding ear (eyes) to know that someone out there understand this and has lived it too. After having feelings minimized for so long, that feels good!!
    Sweet Dreams My Siren Friend
    xo Fern

  442.  #442Jennifer on September 13, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    The steps I took?
    I riff on the blog alot.
    It kinda allows me to SEE what Im thinking and then disect it for logic.
    And get it all out.
    EFT…you can down load the manual at
    or just google it.
    I also took something called Core Belief Engineering. Its a talk therapy …marathon sessions. like 6 hours at a time
    and Rori rules.
    no kicking your own ass.
    and Daria’s rules.
    No bad talking the godess…you are the goddess.
    Flip list.
    Write out the nasty stuff…the write out the opposites.
    Unzip your heart tool.
    Waterwheel tool
    Melting tool
    Feeling messages.
    Cheesecake. that one is mine

  443.  #443Rori Raye on September 13, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Cel – great, great story – thank you…Rori

  444.  #444faubourg on September 14, 2010 at 3:11 am

    i have not have had time to read all the posts but thank you so much for your support, i will answer soon,

    i am still pissed by the way people treat me, now i know it is my job to teach them how to treat me, i am going out again on Friday! very happy too!

    i would like to start dating myself but this is sthg i find very hard to do, i feel so lonely when i do that,

    i have worked on half the ebook and i will finish it this week, i will re read what i wrote already like the qualities i love in a man and focus on them (visualize them feel how good it felt to me )

    lovely day to everyone!

  445.  #445Denise on September 14, 2010 at 4:52 am

    #444 @Foubourg

    Great attitude and enthusiasm!

    ‘i am still pissed by the way people treat me, now i know it is my job to teach them how to treat me’

    Just a comment here, you have absolutely NO control over another human being, none. Each person, including yourself, has their own boundary. There are two things to learn:

    1. Not invading other people’s boundaries–that’s ‘teach them how to treat me’

    2. Not having people invade our boundaries–this is the work we need to do to not allow what doesn’t feel good to us. To investigate what is bothering us, what boundary holes we have. To recognize when someone is invading our boundary and to push bad.

    What do you think about the boundary comments above?

  446.  #446faubourg on September 14, 2010 at 7:16 am

    hi denise, thanks!

    i agree i have no control over other people,

    i m not sure i understand n°1 but for n°2 that’s what i was talking about actually, accepting that this situation is not good for me (and not lie to myself about it) and say it or just let it go and turn to sthg else that is more compatible with my true self.

    i do not think i invade other people’s boundaries, on the contrary i am always so careful not to be too invading and not to disrespect other people’s privacy.

    i tend to give advice though i try to stop doing that, because i have understood that when someone talks like a thousand times about a situation that hurts this person, sometimes it is not to find a solution but just to stay in it!

    i accept it now. and when i give advice or my opinion on the subject, they are deaf or they get mad at me for being unsensitive?! “what? you are telling me to move on and find other men because this man is dumping me every two weeks since two years! but maybe he is thinking about it…about becoming my man!!!” or “you tell me i should not cry but take action about this man (the same guy) who dumped me, you are so hard on me… i am so sad about this” and “you tell me i should think about choosing a man who is there for me!”

    i have decided to move on because i need to be surrounded with people who don’t like to victimize themselves and who want to be responsible for their life. i really need that,

    i don’t know if i am crystal clear but i set my boundaries also by choosing who is or who is not good for me. i am just learning how to do that and i still feel guilty doing that. because i have realized and it makes me feel confused that the more incompatible i am with a man or with a person the more this person likes me?! so i sometimes see people i am not so compatible with because they like me and i feel lonely (less and less though 🙂 so i spend time with them but at one point i cannot pretend anymore and i say : i don’t like when you do that and they do not understand; really not. because for them it is a fine thing but for me it is boring or chocking!

    what’d you think?

  447.  #447Denise on September 14, 2010 at 7:37 am

    Wow, I love this!

    ‘i have decided to move on because i need to be surrounded with people who don’t like to victimize themselves and who want to be responsible for their life. i really need that’

    ‘ i don’t like when you do that and they do not understand’

    Time to move on from these people to, that’s not your job to make them understand. I dated a guy for six months that didn’t seem to get anything I was trying to say, how frustrating!

    ‘when i give advice’

    If they are not asking for advice or haven’t given permission for the advice, then this is an example of invading another person’s boundary. Sounds like there’s anger that the person is not taking the advice and doing what YOU want them to do (trying to control what they do in the name of ‘advice’). (Not saying this is the case here, just trying to give an example for No. 1)

    How about this example, my sister was dating a man who bought a brand new condo. She bought all kinds of stuff to ‘redo’ one of his bathrooms. She thought she was being helpful, he was offended. This action totally invaded his boundary, and she was doing it out of the goodness of her heart. (He turned it around on her and asked how she would like if he came into her house and redid her bathroom 🙂

    You know, I wish Rori would talk more about how to recognize when to MOVE ON. If a relationship causes angst and irritation (sorry, I didn’t read all the posts, but I can sense your frustration and hurt), then it’s not a good one, period. We’re not meant to click with everyone we date. It’s best to recognize and test early to see if he is on the same page to what you believe is important, to what you respect and admire about another person. The feeling messages are great. In my opinion though, they will not cause a relationship that is not meant to be to all of a sudden be great. To me, feeling messages are a way to communicate within an otherwise good/healthy relationship so as to not alienate the man.

    Actions are what are needed to be viewed, ESPECIALLY with men. People do exactly what they want to do.

    What are you thoughts/feelings?

  448.  #448Dorothea on September 14, 2010 at 8:30 am

    The conversation with my LI about sex went so well, he totally listened to everything i said, and applied it. yum

  449.  #449Dorothea on September 14, 2010 at 8:53 am

    haha, they came back to offer me more money and try to get me some better benefits.


    i feel much better now.

  450.  #450Denise on September 14, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Awesome on both fronts Dorthea!

  451.  #451faubourg on September 14, 2010 at 10:19 am


    this is so interesting,

    i mean giving advice to people who ask for it then i realize they just want to talk about it endlessly and complain about it ex: talking about a man who is never there, it is feeding the relationship which is virtual, talk about it is a way to make it real when it is not (rori advice)

    my frustration and anger is because i realized i was wasting my time, and yes i would like them to be someone they are not you are right.

    my responsibility is to accept that being frustrated in any relationship is not acceptable and that I need to do something about it (leave, say it, go out on my own, etc…) not the person, i can’t change a person.

    but i understand what you mean when you say doing or advising people when they don’t ask for it or need it is not respecting their boundaries,

    i used to do that with my sister, i try not to anymore, i just share with her what i do which i find so interesting, so now it is sharing with her sthg of me which i love, and it is brand new!,

    she had a pb with her ex boyfriend and she was so unhappy with it, i could sense for the first time that she needed some help, i was able to sense it because i was careful to her real needs, i was really listening to her deeply, and being here for her and i suggested her what i do in such a difficult case and it has worked really well for her i was surprised! and very happy!

    regarding feeling messages i think they can really do wonders because it changes the energy between the two people involved, i used them several times with different types of people and the outcome was amazing!

    the thing is not to expect anything when you do it, can they change a relationship? maybe because it is communicating on such a different level, but if the guy is a jerk…. or not interested… or deaf

  452.  #452Jacqueline on September 14, 2010 at 11:49 am

    faubourg – I am loving hearing you speak more and what your views are – I really agree with a lot of them, too; you must be feeling better… glad!

    @ Dorothea – you too! feel good thread!

    @ Denise that it totally part of my theme – Starting Over, Second Act, Moving On….and it was where my convo with Jonathon was left. Because I said that that was the second biggest issue here after circular dating – how/when to move on; even when you don’t want to, even when you don’t think you can, even when it’s gonna kill you because you love him….but you’ve finally decided you love yourself more.

    I wanna write about it on my blog – and I’d like to use some of your thoughts if that’s okay? my email is….or you can just let me know here.

    Thanks! all…..have a good one!

  453.  #453Denise on September 14, 2010 at 1:58 pm


    Sure Jacqueline, thanks and I look forward to reading your blog!

  454.  #454Denise on September 14, 2010 at 2:05 pm


    I hear you! I know how you feel and have felt the same in one of my relationships. I continuously asked myself if I was being too picky or unreasonable in what I wanted. He was a good enough guy but how he ran his life was a lot different then how I ran mine. I compromised and was flexible and tolerant, but one time, I said no to something I normally said yes to- he freaked. We broke up, got back together fir a month, then things started to revert back and I broke it off again. I can now look back and say that whole thing wasn’t right fir me.

  455.  #455Jacqueline on September 14, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Hi, all… very best guy friend said this about Lynnestar’s story and I finally got permission to publish him….grin…

    and I wanted to ask – what do you all think? and the I’m a guy thing….do we exclude men in some way on these women’s blogs?

    if so how can we include them in the conversation? do we want to???

    I wanted to comment on Ozzie’s story …. There is one thing there that really bothers me … The fact that she doesn’t feel that he is ” hearing ” her … That is NOT good . Reminds me of an ex of mine. Seriously , if a guy cares for a woman , he WILL hear her . He may not understand her , but he will hear . He will do everything he can to hear her …

    Well , that is my opinion …and this feels like a woman’s conversation….but this is a guy’s take on it….

  456.  #456Jacqueline on September 14, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    writing to get follow ups by email….

  457.  #457Denise on September 14, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Good point on the feeling messages, keeps us out of the ‘you’ did this and ‘you’ did that. I guess I was just thinking out loud about how all the feeling messages in the works may not make things better. I also think there is a line too where ultimately our feelings are our own. Sometimes we have to do work on ourselves and not expect others to make us feel differently.

    This gas nothing to do with your situation! Like I said just thinking out loud.

  458.  #458Brenda on September 14, 2010 at 2:31 pm


    I think it’s fun when men are on here!!! Stirs up the estrogen and kat fights a bit! LOL!

  459.  #459BarbinOz on September 15, 2010 at 4:25 am

    Brenda #458 I don’t like our Siren gentle lapping waves of water being stirred up into a tempestuous maelstrom……

  460.  #460Learning on September 16, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Thank you for your comment and thoughts. Yes, we have really improved, and I am trying what you suggested, still walking away when things become an attack, but trying to keep my heart open and soft otherwise, while thanking him for his attention and improvements. He is really working through some stuff though. It is crazy when he gets mad now. It is like I see him acting how I used to act, only not so needy, he can just stone wall me, and play the passive aggressive quiet game, but I have learned to go on about my busy life, play with the kids, deal with work and just open my heart when I am not angry anymore. I have prayed for a one in a million marriage, and I believe that God is working with me on it. It feels so good to not beat myself up anymore. I was angry with my husband about something small the other night, so I woke him up because I was too angry to sleep. Of course, he jumped right to, “how mean of you to wake me up for this etc.” 2 years ago I would have beat myself up for being mean, and not nice, and spent the whole night apologizing (I was trained to be nice and agreeable)” This time I said, “I was trying to be nice when I gave you a head rub before going to sleep, I wasn’t trying to be nice when I woke you up, I was telling you that I feel angry” Well of course he was still mad in the morning, but I was over the dispute, so I made the kids breakfast, got ready for work and headed out the door, remembering to love myself. Remembering to love myself first has been so key! There was a time when I was using your tools that I started, even when upset and angry with my husband, loving my husband with my spirit. I believe we are spiritual beings as well, so even if I couldn’t say I love you or beg to be in a loving mood, I could spritually love him from afar, spiritually apologize, and beg for things to be right, and you know what! He felt it and treated me the same way (to a less extent) that he did when I was physically saying “love me, I will be your doormat” In order to love him well, I have to love and accept all of me just the way I am first, then I am able to open my heart and love and accept him with a true intact spirit. We are working through this life, and I am sure it will be a ride, sometimes his sour moods kick me into old habits, but not that particular morning. I am proud of me for the progress I am making, and I am certain that he will work through his own self acceptance as well.

  461.  #461Brenda on September 17, 2010 at 11:32 am


    I like it calm, too.