Dating and Sex – What Do They Have To Do With Each Other?

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Here’s a great letter from Catherine:

“Hi Rori ,

I have left a message previously on your blog. My question revolves around early dating.

I had been in contact with a guy off a dating site for a couple of months , he had given me his mobile number and asked me to text him. We chatted on phone and text for a couple of more weeks, and I felt like there was a great connection there. He went away on holiday for 2 weeks before we had actually met.

He had text me practically the minute he had landed home ! And we met within a week of him being home, which was a great success, there was fantastic chemistry there, I was doing all the sireny stuff , leaning back etc, and felt really good about things.

He had been busy over the 1st weekend, so I didn’t hear much from him , but at the start of the week he was texting etc , we had another date on the following Friday , and we ended up having sex. Which I felt ok about , just a bit scared that if we did , he would back off. I had told him that ‘did he realize that if we did have sex that I would be totally smitten with him’, and he had said ‘ so your not already then ?’.

We had a really lovely time and just lay and chatted and laughed together after sex, really relaxed and comfortable. But , when he was getting ready to leave , he started acting all ‘laddish’ , he was a diver in the navy , an ex marine , and still very in the ‘masculine’ , he had made some comments , not about me, and had then said he was going to move back nearer his male friends as he missed them !!

I am at a loss as to what is going on with him , yes I know I shouldn’t be stressing about him at all , but he now has me totally confused!

He had also made some comment about this being the longest ‘date’ he’s ever been on! Was this his way off conveying to me that he thinks of me as just that , ‘a date’ ?? Or is it that he’s scared of his feelings developing for me ??

Either way , I only received one text off him after our last meeting , and have heard nothing for 3 days now. I am trying to keep positive and get on with my own life , I’m in middle of arranging a date with another guy for later in the week etc. But its so hard not to text ex navy guy!!! I really like him , have use feeling messages to him so am sure he knows how much I like him.

I have this constant tight feeling , and knot in my stomach which im trying to ‘relax’ my way out of , it doesn’t feel good ! Please help me !! Catherine

Here’s my answer:

Catherine – I’m so sorry – what you’re lacking here is EXPERIENCE.

You’re simply not experienced with men and dating enough to know what’s going on. Please don’t be upset with you OR with him…you just had expectations here that had no business being here.

Dating is dating.

Sex changes NOTHING.

Emotional bonding is something that happens, but it also means NOTHING if the logistics of the experience and the “relationship” – if it becomes one_ please you.

I’m not saying what he feels one way or another – it’s simply IRRELEVANT!!!!

If you feel invested with a man when you have sex, then you can’t have it until you’re married. Period.

I encourage you to allow sex to be a part of your life experience and get there by not having sex with any man you’d CONSIDER for the long term – until you have SOME level of security – so you can relax.

Love, Rori

Posted in

977 Comments

  1.  #1adams on October 25, 2010 at 7:24 am

    i love having sex because it is the last step in a relationship but not the first.



  2.  #2Simply Shannon on October 25, 2010 at 8:06 am

    True words…
    ***
    Dating is dating.
    Sex changes NOTHING.
    ***
    It took me a long time to figure this out. Thank you Rori!



  3.  #3Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 8:18 am

    i am feeling horrible. I spoke to this guy whom I was supposed to meet this weekend. He said he tried calling me several times. I said I was traveling. There was long long silences. I was feeling angry inside. He said we can meet this weekend and he will bring the book he was supposed to give me. Then he said he got a promotion. The silence and the pauses in our conversation was so embarrassing that I forgot even to congratulate him. The silence started getting weird. I did not know how to handle it. Nor did he, I suppose. Finally he said he will call me this Friday and ended the conversation.
    I don’t think I will ever learn to talk.
    After talking to him I realized I did not even say a ‘congrats’. So I texted him saying it. He did not reply.
    I feel so so horrible.
    🙁
    meemee



  4.  #4Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 8:23 am

    I feel weird about the long long silences while talking. I tried to mend the silence and ended up with more embarrassment.
    I was pretty nervous.
    I could not even practice feeling messages to one degree.
    I feel ashamed.
    I feel all the more embarrassed that he did not reply when I texted him.
    He used to text me so often and that too so promptly.
    I think I messed up things
    Meemee



  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 8:27 am

    What does this mean?

    “…Emotional bonding is something that happens, but it also means NOTHING if the logistics of the experience and the “relationship” – if it becomes one_ please you…”

    Emotional bonding necessarily means nothing if the experience and the relationship please me?

    I understand physical bonding can mean nothing. I I don’t believe that a relationship that pleases means there must be no emotional bonding.

    I hope to eventually have a committed relationship of some type, that pleases me and in which there is a whole lot of emotional bonding, physical too.

    SLV



  6.  #6Denise on October 25, 2010 at 8:35 am

    “If you feel invested with a man when you have sex, then you can’t have it until you’re married. Period.”

    I really wonder if this is what my Perfect Man is ascribing to, after a lot of meaningless sex in his life, and after loosing a loved one to cancer. I know he is afraid of the responsibility as he has admitted.

    We got through our communication gap finally on Saturday and had a great weekend. I took a few of your advice- and later in the conversation about what transpired, why he did not text me back, I did mention that I was at the theatre with my dad. He looked relieved, although he never questioned me who I was with. : )

    When we were out for a swank dinner, we saw a bachelorette party in the process. We were talking about this tradition, and for the first time he mentioned “If I were marrying you…” !! I was sooo excited, I could barely control myself. But I leaned back. He was voicing his opinion about it, what he would do and not do, and what he expected that I would do and how I should behave- all with great high standing morals, as I hoped and rather expected from him.

    Maybe we are turning a corner, here! Maybe his thinking that I was out on a CD last Saturday, when I was only out with dad, actually has had a profound effect on him! I am hoping he will man up more!

    You have to like the new political expression- Man Up!



  7.  #7Denise on October 25, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Yes SLV, I thought that was a weird concept of emotional bonding, too. Is that a TYPO? Was “Does not”, left out??? How can it be bonding if you are not pleased? Is she saying if we allow ourselves to get bonded even without being aware if the relationship is right for us, and that it is pleasing us?



  8.  #8Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 8:50 am

    @3Meemee

    This story is not clear. Are you saying he stood you up this weekend past, you didn’t hear from him and he has now announced, without asking you, that you CAN see him THIS weekend…and you are angry. And showed it.

    Good you have boundaries. Maybe next time you will say I’m a little angry, what do you think?

    Don’t telephones have voicemail capability so he could leave a message? And you got no message, no email? Strange.

    I suspect if he wants to make it up to you he will do it. If he doesn’t, he won’t.

    SLV



  9.  #9Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 8:55 am

    6: Denise says:

    “Yes SLV, I thought that was a weird concept of emotional bonding, too. Is that a TYPO? ”

    I don’t know what to make of it, seems strange and there is an underscore there too. Did something get left out? I read it over about four or five times…

    Hmmm. Maybe it will be revealed later. Moot for me anyway…I don’t have a guy…only an imaginery relationship I’m killing off and a couple of guys who are colleagues and happily married, no attraction there just biz fun.

    It doesn’t matter much. I’m learning what I want but I know I at least want emotional bonding.

    SLV



  10.  #10Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:59 am

    I absolutely cannot have sex without emotionally bonding. I don’t want to wait until marriage, though. I do want a committed relationship with sex being a part of that before marriage. I understand the CD thing, but if I was dating someone seriously, I would want a full monogamous relationship without dating others. Although the thought of dating myself does have appeal…it would help me keep focused on myself.

    When I’ve had sex too soon, I’ve ended up getting hurt and regretting it. My husband was the first man I ever slept with (at 26) and I would have been happy to have been with one man my entire life. But it didn’t work out that way. The whole sex thing is so confusing. I am inherently pretty sensual, and I kiss like a million bucks, so I can get a guy reved up pretty fast. But now I’m thinking I need to not care so much about what HE wants and how HE feels, and focus more on what I want and how I feel. I’m too quick to focus on the other person rather than what’s right for me. And I HAVE to remember that sex means something entirely different to most men than it does to me. I messed up a potentially good relationship by having sex too soon…I just can’t handle it emotionally and it makes me too vulnerable, and then I get all controlling because the vulnerability makes me anxious.



  11.  #11Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 9:08 am

    “If I were marrying you…” !! I was sooo excited, I could barely control myself. But I leaned back. He was voicing his opinion about it,…”

    Nuh-uh, he was titillating both of you. He’s grown up and knows what he’s doing. I think it’s adorable. Sounds like a keeper…who knows? I’m thinking about this kind of thing and if it were over six months, I were smitten and he asked for exclusive, I might give him a season. I’m still learning though, I’ll have to see how my beliefs shape up.

    I don’t intend to let anyone get frustrated and leave and I don’t intend to let one take me for granted either hanging on forever.

    SLV



  12.  #12Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Re:#7
    SLV,
    Sorry I was feeling so horrible that I posted this without a text or context.
    This is a guy whom I know for years.We were together in college some years back but we were never friends and hardly talked to each other. 4 months ago we met on facebook and were talking about some books and movies. We shared lots of interests and went on talking and talking over texts and online for some days. I met him once for a coffee. I gave him one book he wanted from the library and he gave me some movies. We generally talked about how after college days our paths parted and how good it was to see each other etc. We said we will meet soon but didn’t. Twice he asked me if we could meet and I was down with illness and was busy dealing with X. So I could not meet. Then he stopped texting altogether. Earlier when I text and if he misses the text, he used to call the next day or text me back promptly. But later he withdrew completely. Once or twice I texted him about some new books and new movies but he was not keen to reply. (after coming to this blog, I realized what I did wrong by doing so).
    I had to return the book to the library, so three weeks ago I texted him asking if he can give that book back. He said he will but did not reply after that or call me or send me the book. I felt slightly angry and I stopped asking him and texting him. It has been three weeks and yesterday I got a call from him. I missed the call because I was traveling. Today I called him and the silence between us was so horrible that he had to take initiative to end the conversation.
    I am interested in this guy to some extent. But I hardly know him. Also everything between us is so messed now. In the beginning he called me twice and I did not pick his call because I was fed up dealing with X and dealing with those issues. Also once he called me and when I did not pick the call he texted me saying that he is slightly drunk. I did not call him back. I do not know what happened between us, but what started as a passionate talking about books and movies completely faded out and I got angry with him too when he failed to return the book. I think I messed up things and closed down all the possibilities because I was preoccupied with X and I am sure he must have got my needy and negative vibes.
    I feel so angry that he can not even reply when I say “congrats’. Probably he is trying to avoid me.
    Are our vibes so strong that they push men away without us realizing it????
    Meemee



  13.  #13Denise on October 25, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Vibes do give off lots of energy, for sure! But the silence on the phone, why was that occuring? Are you really upset about something else entirely? If so, maybe you should tell him. My guess, he is withdrawing because of the few rejections.

    Do you think he understood the text? Was it only the one word? I had quite the misunderstanding on text this weekend, it can so annoying. One word even in a longer message can mess it all up. Texts can get out of control.

    I’m not so concerned how he feels about any of it. Memmee, how do you feel about it potentially going forward? keep in that vibe. Let’s just see if he calls on Friday. In the meantime, can you stay riding?



  14.  #14Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 9:32 am

    11:Meemee

    “I am sure he must have got my needy and negative vibes.”

    You have a new vibe now. I can almost feel it! Everyone here is pulling for you; you read that, right?

    I thought the guy was a date. Meemee, get your book back; you can do the dating later, or not. But get your book. Funny thing about guys, especially the ones that are interested. I see them often showing up again after a few months. Maybe yes, maybe no, keep dancing… er , uh, CD.

    Maybe some of the experienced sirens can give you some help in what to say when you have contact. Rori advises us to be mostly concerned with our own feelings. Don’t worry about him.

    SLV



  15.  #15Rachel on October 25, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Things ended on a pretty good note last night with my guy after a rough day. I still feel a little frustrated that he took my “leaning back” as disinterest. He did tell me last night that he was afraid he’s losing me. But he seemed more angry than inspired to fight for me. I don’t know what to think today. I really like him!

    I feel good that he’s noticed my vibe shifting, but it seems to be having a negative effect – instead of stepping up, he sorta attacked me. At least that’s how i felt. Ugh

    I guess the days ahead will tell…



  16.  #16Denise on October 25, 2010 at 9:41 am

    Awww, SLV, thanks! He is adorable, and a keeper, when he Mans Up. Maybe he was teasing and testing me a little there, to see my reaction. He is sly that way- won’t really ask me directly about certain subjects, he is more comfortable expressing himself in a roundabout way. He never uses Feeling Messages!

    Nobody wants to be taken for granted! I actually had to explain the crumb concept to him this weekend, too funny. I used decent feeling messages.
    “I do not want to feel like I am getting crumbs. I do want to see you show you care; I do not want to feel neglected when you do not text me back”. When I text a feeling message that “oooh, it would be so good to hear your voice!” he wrote me back, “are you being sarcastic?”. I had to explain that one, saying it was the truth. Texts can get very confusing.

    It is shaping up, but he has never brought up the exclusive question. Only recently, he told me I should see others if my needs are not being meet. I have told him I won’t wait forever, but that he should take all the time he needs. He asked me how long, and I said, not sure we can evaluate in some time soon. In my mind, I am thinking of waiting for the One Year mark.

    I’m in my late 40’s & I do not have forever. This horseback rider will be moving on up.

    In the meantime, my time with him is rewarding, as he makes me feel so adored.



  17.  #17Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Still riffing.

    Ugh I feel bad. I tried an experiment of letting myself be a recluse this past week. LI was gone. And I totally delved into my reclusive side. We had a big storm. It was rainy and cold. I stayed inside. Really reclused it up. Now I feel bad. I feel kind of disoriented. Out of touch with my life. I feel fat. I feel a few extra pounds. I feel disconnected. It felt good to just talk to a friend on the phone. That felt good. I know I can trun these ick feelings around. I thought I was doing something good for myself. I can see it didn’t work. It’s okay. I can turn this around. One day of being active and outgoing will help me feel better. I know it. I love and accept myself even tho I feel a little disoriented. I have so much I want to do and feel unsure of where to start. I want to have fun. I want to be social. I want to glow and feel alive. I know that is my normal state and I can easily reclaim it. Sometimes I like to be reclusive. To step away from things so I can really look at myself. But being with people feels good too. I forgive myself for feeling down. I know I can turn it around. I know I can do this. All is well. I trust myself.



  18.  #18Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 9:46 am

    Hi Rachel. I don’t remember exactly what Rori says or where but I remember she says something about how him expressing anger when we start acting different is to be expected and actually a good sign. She says to stay present thru his anger (as long as we feel safe) and it will eventually transform.

    Hopefully someone will jump in who knows me about this.
    🙂



  19.  #19Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Meemee –

    Just get the book and don’t overanalyze him…he could be going through a million different things that have nothing to do with you. I get into the guy’s head, too, when I really ought to be focusing on myself and what works for me.

    I’m not good at the feelings statements…maybe when you get the book you can say how great it felt talking with him awhile back, then lean back. If you DID put out a negative vibe, and you’re in a good place now, he should feel that. I’m curious what the other Sirens think.



  20.  #20Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:04 am

    I tried a lot of experiments while LI was gone. I tried the reclusive thing, experimenting with my voice here…talking in different ways, tried not forcing myself to do anything, just letting myself laze around and blog, eating whatever I want.

    Well I learned. I like myself the way I was. The way I normally am. I like being busy. I like being social. I like the sun and warmth (can’t really change the weather tho). I like being productive. It feels good.

    I feel a little stuck…like I lost my momentum. My dog pooed on the floor. That bums me out. In the goddess temple of all places. Blah. I feel worried that we are going to regress on the potty training now that it is cold out. He hates the cold. And especially the rain. I don’t want to clean up poo.

    Blah. I want to have fun! I don’t want to work alone. Blah!



  21.  #21Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:07 am

    I feel bad for being negative. I don’t want to bring others down. I don’t feel like a laughing goddess. I feel like a grouchy goddess. I’m changing my name to grouchy goddess.



  22.  #22Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Okay that makes me laugh. Thinking of changing my name to grouchy goddess.

    Ok. One step at a time back to laughing goddess.

    My mission today is to feel good.



  23.  #23Rachel on October 25, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Thank you LG! That feels encouraging. I do believe he cares.

    Sorry about your doggie poo. And being alone is lonely some days. I’m here alone today too and the day feels verrrrryyyy loooonnnnggg!



  24.  #24Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Calling All Sirens –

    Question: What do you say to a guy when he says he wants you really bad?

    This happened to me on a 3rd dates with one of my CDs. I CANNOT have sex without being in a committed relationship, and if do it too soon, I freak out and ruin any potential future with a guy. BUT, what is the Sireny way to reply to this?

    Where are Daria and Tinque with their wise feelings statements? Anybody else have any ideas?

    Also, I have had this happen to me SEVERAL times with different guys…if we are kissing passionately, I have had them put my hand on their crotch. And when I say, “Don’t do that” or “Why did you do that?” the reply is usually, “I just wanted you to see how turned on you’re getting me.” What the He## am I supposed to say to THAT? Do guys do this to everybody, or am I putting out some vibe that I would actually welcome this type of behavior? It would be ok if I were in a relationship, but not on some early-on CD!

    What do you all think?



  25.  #25Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:11 am

    P.S. I am SO thankful that I have you all to discuss these things with!



  26.  #26Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:16 am

    LG –

    I’m sorry about the dog poo. It did kinda make me laugh, though, cuz I am the Queen of Poop. I have to help my 14 year old autistic daughter wipe in the bathroom, and I am ALWAYS toilet training or dealing with feces smearing at work doing behavioral therapy with autistic kids. I was talking doo doo with my clients yesterday. They are trying to teach their daughter to go in the toilet…and we were getting into all the nitty gritty details. Sometimes it makes me laugh. Poop is my life!



  27.  #27Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:19 am

    LG –

    I am also laughing at this…

    “In the goddess temple of all places”

    I never thought of my home as a goddess temple. Hmm…I think I need to clean my house. This temple is an embarrassment! And now that I think about it, it really IS my temple. No wonder I get so grouchy when the house is a mess! I want it to look beautiful and zen. I deserve a beautiful temple.



  28.  #28Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:24 am

    I feel so angry thinking about people exchanging gossipy emails about the blog. I feel so angry. I feel angry because I think the point of this blog is being misunderstood. I feel angry at myself for even caring. This feels the same as getting into a mans head. I don’t want to care about what other people are doing. I don’t care. That’s their business. My business is to focus on things that make me feel good.

    What feels good? The sun shining on me right now feels good. It would feel good to get some firewood here. It would feel good to get some work out of the way so I feel free to do more fun stuff. It would feel good to get the house cleaned and looking like a magazine.

    Oh yes, the warmth I am feeling from the sun feels really great. My dogs warm little body on my lap feels good.

    It feels good to remember that things can turn around in an instance.

    I feel pissed that I am trying to line these people up with work and they aren’t calling me back when they say they will. I feel like things are at a standstill. I want an adventure in my life. I want something exciting to look forward to.

    Mostly I want to feel excited, passionate. I don’t want to base that on a man. I want to feel excited about MY LIFE.

    Ok, enough feeling sorry for myself. Ok, not enough. There’s more.

    I don’t want to worry about money. I miss Hawaii. I miss my life there. I miss the sun, ocean, warmth. I miss the goats. I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss my dad. I miss being physically active.

    Ooooo, this is not helping. Now I feel worse.



  29.  #29Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Lg – at the wise woman university they are having the first lesson of the Artemis course for free. Artemis is about thriving with our alone time. Doing this first lesson – really simple – has super strengthened me. Also some amazing knowledge and magic came to me … I highly recommend it for healing aloneness blahs. I don’t think I’ll be having those again much.



  30.  #30Hadassah on October 25, 2010 at 10:27 am

    I love this post because it pretty much goes along with how I view sex and it’s nice to know that other women view it the same way. I don’t think it needs to be sex ONLY if you are in a serious and committed relationship, or only with marriage. Mostly because I could not be in a forever relationship where the sex was bad, or we didn’t mesh well together, or didn’t have the same level of interest, etc.

    There was a time in my life (college) where I had sex pretty much just because it was fun and I could and I wanted to! There are definitely guys that I was dating, had sex with, and then when the dating fizzled out, I felt bad about having had sex with them – but it did teach me that if I can’t handle having the relationship end shortly after there is physical intimacy, I just can’t allow myself to go there!

    With my current bf, we had sex after two weeks and we weren’t in a relationship at all. We were friends. I pretty much was shocked that such a hottie would even be turned on by me at that point in my life (I was WAY overweight back then) and I hadn’t been physically intimate with someone in so long I was like, sure why not. Haven’t regretted it for an instant. Even if we had never gotten to the point we are at now, it would have been worth it!



  31.  #31Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Thanks Honey and Rachel. I started crying reading your posts. I feel touched to have supported.

    Normally I feel so happy and lately I have been having these moments of deep depression and I want to feel happy again. I don’t know what’s it going on with me. I don’t know if it is biochemical or what.



  32.  #32Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Ugh, maybe this depression is hormonal. Maybe it has something to do with the spotting.

    Thank you Daria for the info. I’m still pretty deep in feeling bad for myself right now.



  33.  #33Rachel on October 25, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Honey…. what about something like, “This feels good to me too, but I feel like I don’t know you well enough to go any further” or “I feel uncomfortable moving that quickly?”

    by the way, I’m curious about your amazing kissing! Can you describe what you do? I feel like I’m not so good at kissing and I would like to learn…



  34.  #34Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:41 am

    I’m actually feeling good feeling sorry for myself. It’s feeling kind of good to wallow in my sadness now. The crying seemed to help. Something feel like it lifted.

    Now my dog is off on an adventure. Running through the neighborhood. Why can’t he just stay home. I don’t want to go track him down. Ugh. He has this huge yard to play in. Why does he freaking run off every.single.day? Ugh!



  35.  #35Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:44 am

    LG –

    Maybe it is hormonal. I always feel better if I exercise when I’m down, but often don’t value myself enough to do it. I’m going to do it today, though…after I post a couple on this blog.

    I feel sorry for myself sometimes…but that feeling sorry for myself spurred me to find answers, which led me to RR and the Siren community. So if I didn’t blow it with Hunky Man, and I hadn’t been all bummed out, I wouldn’t be here now at 48 learning all these lessons that I’ve been needing to learn my entire life.

    Maybe it’s ok to be blue sometimes. It’s part of the human condition. Sometimes we learn things when we are depressed if we allow outselves. It’s ok as long as you don’t get stuck there



  36.  #36Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Daria –

    Can I get your input on #23 if you are still on here?



  37.  #37Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:46 am

    Lg – ok well a quick version is just to start chanting Artemis Artemis

    And… Artemis make me strong like a bear

    And google and YouTube pictures and songs of Artemis

    Artemis will kick in in less than 5 min



  38.  #38Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Rachel: rori wrote a post about kissing a while back too. Kissing with feminine energy. I remember really liking the post. I want to hear honey’s tips too.

    Honey: I would maybe say something like…

    “I feel really flattered and I am feeling turned on too but I also feel hesitant. I don’t want to move faster than I feel comfortable with. I don’t feel comfortable being sexual unless I am in a committed relationship. What do you think?”

    Is that an accurate description of how you feel?

    I would just be careful not to make the guys wrong for wanting you cuz really, that’s a good thing right?



  39.  #39Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Re:12,13, 18
    SLV,Denise and Honey
    Thanks. I should not over analyze him, you are right. But he confuses me. Once he was so keen to meet me.Then I was dealing with my X and was upset over him. I must have accidentally pushed this guy away.
    I feel confused. At one point I really thought this guy is interested in me. He was messaging me late night, discussing movies and asking me about my life and work and all. Suddenly he seems so withdrawn.
    I am confused
    Meemee



  40.  #40Denise on October 25, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Honey, most of the real men I have kissed have not been so bold as to stick my hand on their crotch without a lot more happening than just a kiss. That would bum me out! In the future, state how you feel- “I do not feel like I want to do that yet!” should suffice.

    Rachel’s comments are spot on!

    LG- any consolation, you are not alone! I deal with that dog mess all the time, with the older dementia dog- I hear ya! Stay consistent with the training, it will work.



  41.  #41Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Honey – yes many guys do that. Try not to judge them for being sexual… Look at it as sex = them wanting to give love to you – this will take some practice shifting your view.

    You will feel like he’s trying to “get something fro
    You” if something is off. That’s a icky feeling. Otherwise if he’s just being a sexual man you wont feel that icky needy give to me vibe.

    Sooo just because they want to love us with sex does that mean we should let him? Maybe… If we want to…

    Rori says if a masculine man is pursuing, giving to us, and we are feeling overwhelmed by his intensity, we need to let him know we feel overwhelmed so he can better facilitate us feeling safe in our feminine.

    Now you’ll also want to ask yourself where you are judging him for sex, and change that. Touching his papi thang is not sex! Think about what you might feel comfortable with besides full sex. For example for me if a man goes down on me I feel pleased, but not attached!

    Ok so finally the short answer… If he’s pressing sexually more than I feel comfortable with at that moment, I usually say.. “mmm I feel kinda uncomfortable”

    Or I don’t feel comfortable doing that yet/ right now

    Sometimes it leads to talking and sharing what we both think on sex, sometimes it just pauses our kissing, or not.



  42.  #42Honey on October 25, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Meemee –

    It’s ok to be confused. It IS confusing. Maybe he’s confused to…he’s only human and he’s entitled to his own confusion.

    I don’t know about you, but I can drive myself crazy thinking about what a guy is thinking. But this is the starting point for when I start losing my way, because I’m focusing on HIS thoughts and feelings and not MINE. It is not for you to go out and get him. It is for him to come and get you. If he doesn’t, there will be someone else that WILL. If he comes back, it is up to you to decide if he is worthy of your attention.



  43.  #43Daria on October 25, 2010 at 11:02 am

    If a guy says he wants me really bad, I usually say nothing, just look at him and smile and/or giggle.

    Or if I’m already feeling at my limit sexually..,while kissing etc

    Ohh it feels good that you want me… But I’m feeling a lil overwhelmed right now… And gently pull away

    Or even… I don’t want to get carried away, I’m feeling a lil uncomfortable



  44.  #44Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 11:03 am

    @: Denise

    “…he makes me feel so adored…”

    Adored is good…

    SLV



  45.  #45Honey on October 25, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Thanks, Daria –

    When this has happened I have not felt pressured. I am a very passionate and sensual kisser, though, and have wondered if maybe I am sending the wrong message. But maybe this is just a man being a man. I am flattered that they are attracted to me…I just want to be able to be free to kiss without it going any farther. And I’m pretty upfront that “I don’t do casual sex”…but I wish I had a more sireny way to put that.



  46.  #46Honey on October 25, 2010 at 11:11 am

    I got so turned on the other night just kissing I actually had an orgasm….but I’m sure he didn’t know. Before, I probably would have felt guilty having one without “returning the favor”…but not I’m more in the receiving mode. It’s ok for me to receive without always giving back.

    I have been criticised by old BFs for basically overfunctioning and not being able to receive in all areas of my life.



  47.  #47Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 11:11 am

    @Laughing Goddess

    Yes, LG you could call yourself the “Laughing Grouch” and laugh at yourself. I Iaugh at myself sometimes, even when I’m crying…

    When I was really sad a few weeks ago, I spent some time listening to upbeat music and also going online and scanning the For Dummies Books site and also meet up dot com Great places for getting the interests up and I looked while I was sitting at home with a beverage… 😆 a rated PG beverage (coffee)…

    SLV



  48.  #48Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Thank you again everyone. I got all of your messages even if I didn’t respond and really appreciate them. I’m off to take care of some things. Hope you all have a wonderful day!



  49.  #49Honey on October 25, 2010 at 11:12 am

    SLV –

    Adored IS good!



  50.  #50Honey on October 25, 2010 at 11:12 am

    SLV –

    You are a goddess…you deserve to be adored!



  51.  #51Daria on October 25, 2010 at 11:13 am

    Honey – ohh it feels so good being close to you.., and… I don’t feel comfortable having sex until I am in a committed relationship

    I usually sub: until I feel loved by a man and safe and secure emotionally

    Because I’m not looking to wait till marriage.., I want to explore sex when I feel good



  52.  #52Honey on October 25, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Daria –

    I’m not waiting until marriage, either…but I do need a close and committed relationship.

    I need to practice more feelings statements. Thanks for all your examples.

    Change of topic…just curious…when you talk about “your people”, who are you referring to? I don’t know your background and I’ve been wondering.



  53.  #53Brenda on October 25, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Honey,

    I’ve had so many men try to force themselves on me that I just be as bold as I need to to not let it go where I am not ready for it to go. I think it is insensitive for a man to put your hand on his Lingam. I like it when a man lets the relationship grow organically and waits until he is SURE I want to go there.

    I loved Ryan’s approach. We never had sex, but we played around. He would lay there, after hours of cuddling and pillow talk. His words and body position would give me cues as to whether he was open to be touched or to touching me. And I would respond. I never felt forced. It was all very slow and gentle, like we had all the time in the world to explore each other. That is how I like it!! 🙂



  54.  #54Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 11:44 am

    Sirens,
    After one month of great silence X opened his mouth. It has been 30 days since I decided not to sleep with him. I have been focusing entirely on myself and my feelings. I have been so keen not to expose myself to any sort of emotional damage. He did not ask me why I am not talking to him. He only tried to behave friendly.
    Today he pinged me online.

    X: ???
    ok. sorry

    me: eh?

    X: nothing. sorry i said.

    me: for?

    X: well, for i dont know. Generally going off the map

    me: hmmm

    X: now i will go to sleep. i had to say just this. i will msg you tomorrow evening by about 10 pm if you are around online.

    me: okay

    I feel I am going off balance. I do not know why. I felt like yelling at him and telling him that there is nothing between us. Then I thought he might not even want to know that. He saw me online. He pinged. He would not have done that if he had not seen me online.

    I feel upset. I feel off balance. But I will stick to my boundaries. The line is drawn. The decision is made.
    Meemee



  55.  #55Nikita on October 25, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Daria,

    said there’d be days like this.



  56.  #56Daria on October 25, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Meemee – ok he’s starting to pursue now… This is good you can share when it feels appropriate ( which is anytime haha). How angry you feel scared humiliated all those feelings…

    I think responding how you did was great.



  57.  #57Daria on October 25, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Honey – hmm I feel confused a bit, because for me a committed relationship is marriage. Do you mean a sexually excusive relationship then? Or are you not wanting marriage..



  58.  #58Daria on October 25, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    Brenda – I feel angry reading about Ryan and laying on the bed.. Giving clues if he’s open – I feel sad and turned off at this. that’s not what being with a masculine man is like. It’s the woman who is open.

    It’s the man who checks her clues.

    And thinking a guy is insensitive is a judgement. It will really push a man away… He might not know what you like. He will have to be clues in that it makes this woman feel uncomfortable, because he’s not a perfect body reader maybe… And mind either. Sure it’s best when they know everything about u’s like they’re a vampire, but they’re just men and sometimes they don’t know.

    I am dating a guy who is acting kinda unsure if he should make moves on me… And really it feels a bit awkward. I like men more aggressive… Does that mean he’s “lame, or whatever epithet” – no, he just doesn’t know he can kiss and hold me on the first date and I’d feel comfortable.



  59.  #59Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Rachel –

    I dont’ know what to tell you about the kissing. I didn’t even know I was a good kisser until I started dating after my divorce. I hardly dated before I met my husband and didn’t really make out or anything much before that. I only know because of the feedback from exBFs. The first time I kissed one of them, he staggered backward after and said, “Jes*s Chri$t, what was that?” So I figured I must be doing something. And he asked me if I ever DIDN’T get another date after kissing a guy. But there have been other comments, too, that I’m a really good kisser, etc. To me, it’s almost more intimate than sex. That’s why Rori’s idea of kissing every guy as long as I’m not REPULSED by is uncomfortable. But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised by kissing someone I didn’t think I had a lot of chemistry with and finding out that we DID have chemistry.

    What I have come to realize is that I am just inherently sensual. When I touch, it is one of the few times that I am totally in the moment and present. And I have figured out after reading RR’s book, that part of it is because I am in my feminine RECEPTIVE energy. I am receptive and responsive, and I think a guy can feel that. Now I just need to learn to do that in the rest of my life. OK, well I’m not always in my feminine enery…sometimes I will kiss a guys neck or bite his lip every so gently. Or maybe run my tongue from the hollow of his neck up to the tip of his chin. That usually gets a reaction. And if you REALLY want to turn a guy on, suck on his fingers then act really innocent about it! It will make him absolutely crazy! LOL! I can’t believe I’m writing this! LOLOLOL…To me its just about playing and having fun in the moment without taking things any farther…

    I’ll bet if you did a search on the internet, you could get some input on technique. I have found out so much stuff on the internet…it’s fun to try it out. But mostly I just make stuff up as I go. I’ve read some interesting things on making love, too. EVERYTHING is on the internet these days!



  60.  #60lm on October 25, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    my ex slept with my friend’s roommate. i feel gross. i can’t stop thinking of them together.

    he says it meant nothing to him. he was sad and lonely and he didn’t know her name and he stopped half-way through and left.

    i broke up with him because he was mean and i didn’t trust him. but all i can do is think about them together. i feel like i’m going to get sick. i feel like a loser for being so upset because i ended it. i feel territorial. i feel so angry. i feel so sad. i feel like throwing up.

    ugh



  61.  #61Brenda on October 25, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    I feel disconnected today. I am dealing with student loans threatening to garnish my wages. It could leave me homeless. I am working on getting an attorney. I feel scared, overwhelmed, pressured, and stressed.

    I escape. I escape to the blog, to texting (friends, mostly), ice cream…I don’t want to be so inept to live every day life, but I am. Am I emotionally disturbed? Am I, to be spending so much time dealing with my emotions, just to feel normal, and so little time dealing with housework and bills?

    Facing bills and housework is like facing a big, hairy, audacious monter in a dark, damp cave when all my instincts are telling me to run to where it’s warm, and bright, and happy.

    I slept three hours on the job today, and I know a couple of people saw me. It’s too many late nights and too much worrying. I feel scared that I can’t hold a full time job. This job should have fired me many times over.

    I feel like hiding. I wish so much that there was a steadying man’s voice by my side handling all the details of life. I am not cut out for living alone.



  62.  #62Daria on October 25, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Honey – oh I just read you wanted a committed relationship before marriage. Not a great way to fulfill the longing of being really committed in marriage in my opinion … But it can happen… That he will still step up. I thin Tinque was like that. She’s not married though, she doesn’t believe in the way marriage is expressed now she looks at it as a piece of paper, but she does feel fully committed forever, just like marriage.



  63.  #63Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Daria –

    To me, a committed relationship is an exclusive relationship. But it’s more than that. I’m learning that a guy can be exclusive, but not all that committed. To me, it is putting each other at a super high priority and living your lives together, even though in separate households. For me, this would be someone where marriage would be a possiblity in the future. Don’t know if that makes sense. So many people use the same terms, but it means something different to each.



  64.  #64Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    RE:55
    Daria, you think so? I thought I totally messed it up. It was so totally unexpected.
    But if he comes and talks tomorrow, should I really tell him what I felt and how I felt etc?
    I can not even think of talking to him and getting emotionally damaged again.
    Or should I just delete from my online list?
    I feel confused.
    Daria, I feel super confused.
    Meemee



  65.  #65Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Daria –

    The guys I go out with know I’m looking to get married if I find the right guy. They also know that if things aren’t headed that way, that I will leave. I cannot wait forever and won’t.



  66.  #66Daria on October 25, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Honey – can you tell
    Me more from you on the Receptive way of kissing?

    I will also search for it



  67.  #67Brenda on October 25, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Honey,

    RE: #58 – I feel the same way: “To me, it’s almost more intimate than sex. That’s why Rori’s idea of kissing every guy as long as I’m not REPULSED by is uncomfortable.”

    Ryan’s the best kisser in the world. 🙂



  68.  #68Daria on October 25, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Meemee – you get to do what you want. It sounds like you feel scared of him. How about just ignoring his online message or not talking to him tomorrow just to practice taking care of yourself and your boundaries until YOU feel open to talking to him, if ever.



  69.  #69Will on October 25, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Sex is an interesting thing for me. It either strengthens what is already there, or does little for me. It can even make me lose interest in a guy if I have sex with him and it doesn’t feel right. I CAN have sex and not feel emotionally invested, but I DON’T because I don’t like sex like that. It’s empty and pointless as far as I’m concerned, even though I’m a very passionate woman. I want a certain experience in regards to it, an emotional and physical bonding. And I don’t feel like settling for less than what I truly desire. Clearly, marriage isn’t necessary for this but a commitment is.

    My current guy and I waited awhile and though the sexual tension was frustrating (and intoxicating!) I’m very comfortable with the way things are going. Neither of us would have done it otherwise, because he’s also not one for casual sex. It was obvious to me after we did have sex that he gets emotionally attached easily after sex and that’s why he’s chosen to have sex only with a woman when he’s committed to her. That makes me feel great that he’s like that, and I told him so. It instantly made him relax and he seemed very happy with himself suddenly. I didn’t ask, but I got the feeling he was a little insecure about his experience level. Regardless of that, he pleases me and is very romantic, passionate and thoughtful lover, so all is well in my kingdom!

    When it comes to sex, it’s never about the guy and what he wants FROM me. Ever. It’s my body and I get to choose when I have sex. I’ve worked hard on my boundary issues and self-respect so I can say no to men. I unfortunately grew up in an environment with men where that choice was taken away from me for years. It makes me appreciate myself, my body, and my sexuality even more when I say no when I don’t feel like it. I feel devalued and used when I say yes and don’t really mean it. And I’m not abusing myself like that. If a man I’m not committed to says he’s really turned on by me, or gives me some line indicating he wants to get me in bed (AND it doesn’t feel creepy or intrusive, because those things get you booted FAST) I let him know I feel flattered but that it’s not happening without a commitment. I don’t explain myself further. He’ll either continue with ME because he wants ME or he’ll fade away and all the better to make room for the right guy to come into my life.



  70.  #70Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Daria –

    Without being too graphic, I suppose I just let him initiate and respond to what he does. It’s like that when I make love, too. Being more in my masculine engery is just the “spice” I throw in once in awhile. For example, I rarely will put my tongue in a guy’s mouth. That feels way to aggressive to me. But I will be receptive to him doing so. Geez, I never really thought about it before.

    Now that I think about it, whoever gets me is Dam* lucky! heehee



  71.  #71Brenda on October 25, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Meemee,

    RE: #63 – I thot you handled it well, too! 🙂 If I were you, I would go for the juglar and give him feeling messages. Then I could practice while setting my firm boundaries.



  72.  #72Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    If I like what a guy is doing, he KNOWS it by my response. It was kind of like what the Siren video talked about. Only I didn’t like that video because it told me too much of what I already know.

    I need a different video.



  73.  #73Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Will –

    I hear you…I’m the same way. I want sex to be great and it only is for me when I get the whole package.



  74.  #74Daria on October 25, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    For me, if it’s exclusive and headed for marriage then we’d have to be engaged.

    But I don’t want to argue with anyone about their choices…I think perceptions change as we ride on our bridge to happy ever after relationship.

    Oh I’m from Romania. I was learning about the carpatho-Danubian culture there since at least 8000 bc, the oldest settlements in Europe so far.., and how the older goddess mythology mixed with the incoming indo European sky hod mythology and the with Christianity. And how the symbols and imagery even from the old hoddess is very much alive in the stories we tell out children, and in our funeral and other practices, and the words we use everyday! It’s like these things have had this magical meaning all along and I am now aware of it.



  75.  #75Daria on October 25, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Honey thank you ! I feel relieved, I don’t put my tongue in his mouth either at least not first, it might just wind ip there somehow, but I let him do it to me.



  76.  #76Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Re: 67
    Daria,
    Yes. I am somewhat scared of him. 🙁 🙁
    Meemee



  77.  #77Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Eft-ing on limiting beliefs. Journalling. Taking care of myself.

    I feel much better!



  78.  #78Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Daria –

    How interesting! Whether we are aware of them or not, symbols and imagery affect us deeply. It sounds really exciting the way you are delving into all of this. You are already so goddessy…I wonder how this knowledge will affect you,



  79.  #79Meemee on October 25, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Re:#76
    LG,How good to hear that! I also feel better when I do journalling and taking care of myself.
    Love and Hugs
    Meemee



  80.  #80Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Daria –

    On the committed relationship thing, I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting engaged unless I dated someone for at least a year. At the same time, if I were so connected to someone that I would consider marriage, there would be no way I could hold off on sex for that long. At the same time, I don’t feel comfortable having sex outside of an exclusive relationship. So the progression for me is CDing, exlusivity and sexual involvement, time together to see if marriage is something we want, then either break up or get engaged. Maybe I will feel differently about it post-RR as opposed to pre-RR, but that’s how it has worked for me up til now



  81.  #81Brenda on October 25, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Meemee,

    Just think how empowered you will feel after you look him dead in the eye and state your practiced feeling messages!! Your fear will be gone!

    I gotta apply the same principle to my big, hairy, audacious bills and job hunting!!!!!!!



  82.  #82Denise on October 25, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Will, your guy sounds a bit like my Perfect Man guy, who has held off on sex due to the emotional attachment effect. What was it that your guy said (or did) when he was committed to you, and ready to go forward in that realm?

    He told me ths weekend, that he somewhat expected sex from me on the third date (ya know that stupid rule??), but it didn’t matter because he knew he could have pushed me for it, and have me.
    I laughed!

    When he asked me recently why we didn’t have sex the first time I let him stay at my house (which was probably the fifth or sixth date), and I told him because I did not feel like he was being open with me, he asked “if we ever really know if someone is being open?”. He said that is when I really blew it, and hurt his feelings. After that, he realized our relationship was starting to mean something, due to my boundaries.

    As you can see, we are discussing this topic more and more, as we trust one another. I definitely want sex with an exclusive relationship towards a commitment. I do not need it without having the real deal at this time in my life.



  83.  #83Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Daria –

    The funny thing about NOT putting your tongue in a guy’s mouth is that, somehow, they think you do it anyway, even though you don’t. I think women being all feminine and receptive is just such a turn on for a guy.

    OK, too much sex talk while I am in unattached mode. Too frustrating!

    Gotta go…there’s work to be done today! Later…



  84.  #84Honey on October 25, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    OMG…I’m so glad my kids cannot see my posts!



  85.  #85Denise on October 25, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Brenda, LOL! I’m with you about applying the principals to other meaningful parts of our lives!

    I hate job hunting more than anything.



  86.  #86Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Finding limiting beliefs and changing them. Sometimes they change just by acknowledging them and stating the opposite. Sometimes I riff and follow feelings in my body that come up when I think the limiting belief. Eventually the painful feelings transform as I follow them. Sometimes I eft while I say the limiting belief. I’m noticing that once I tap on the top of my head, it’s almost as if I’m awakening my crown chakra and can hear the non-limiting belief being spoken from god or my higher self or whoever that voice is.

    Either way, the limiting beliefs are transforming.

    I DO deserve to follow my dreams.
    I DO deserve time alone in my mental space.
    I’m doing everything right.
    I can enjoy god in the details of my everyday life.
    I Deserve a good life.
    I deserve to feel happy.
    Exercise is fun.
    I can do this.
    I can be happy right now.
    I deserve to feel good.
    This moment is all I need.

    Just a few of my new beliefs.

    And by deserve, I mean I deserve happiness in the same way we all do, just by being alive.

    Ooooo, just felt a tinge when I said that. Still need to work on that one.



  87.  #87Denise on October 25, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Curious, Daria, would you try exclusive without an engagement if there was love and commitment to being exclusive? What about with a deadline for engagement?

    Sirens, your opinion on that?

    I have been thinking about this myself, as my CDing with others is really bizarrely not working, no matter how many guys email and say they are going to call, call and make a plan, don’t keep the date (happened twice this week-alone). I’m thinking it is a sign! This has been happening for months, and I do not think it is my fault as I lean back. What do you sirens think?



  88.  #88Ella on October 25, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Moving these 2 posts here from the old thread…

    I feel really sad.

    Mr Feelgood has not been in touch and I feel disappointed and suprised. As I posted before things felt a bit off on Sunday morning after we had been out the night before.

    He dropped me off and then I came inside and felt really stressed and paranoid. I came on here to work through it. Well I texted him later that day and asked him to call me. Never normally do this (contact a guy) normally leave it to him. But I had this idea that I would speak to him about the money issue and the funny vibe in the morning.

    Well he did call and in the moment I felt a lot better and so didn’t bring it up other than to say that I was having a tough time financially starting my new business and that I felt quite embarrssed about it… as I did not want to get into explaining.

    The vibe felt much lighter and we chatted about others things. Then I said I had to go and he said ‘Maybe… shall I give you a call later then?’ I said yes and laughed and said ‘if you are still awake!’ – we had been talking about how we both were tired.

    Well he didn’t call later and has not been in touch today. Since I met him he has been in touch every day, several times per day.

    I feel vulnerable and paranoid and worried that I seem to be able to put men off so easily without even being aware of what I am doing!

    I mean, ok – the money issue was not very Siren-y and the vibe was slightly off in the morning. Also I think he may have had issues with the CD-ing thing, but surely this is not enough to put someone off. He was so into me, I could feel it!

    I am soo confused.

    I hate this and remaining a Siren in this situation is difficult.

    I’ve had my moments of being ok however I am very afraid that this is a pattern for me. And I feel silly and am afraid that no one will want to be with me and the people in the pub will think there is something wrong with me as this would be the second guy from that group who has flamed out on me (if he has) and that they will call me weird for what I am doing with dating.

    I feel pressure.

    I have to contact him again because I owe him the money which he lent me on Sat, I said I would get that to hin early this week. What should I do call him?

    I feel akward now. I think contacting him will be akward for me.

    Urghhh – I hate this.

    I feel all tight in my throat.

    I don’t even know if he was someone who could meet my needs or whether I would want him long term, but I was having such a good time and felt so nice being with him and I was not ready for it to stop, which I suppose it has. Well I think anyway.

    And it get really tiggered with people just flaming out!

    Urghh, I feel horrible and yukky.

    Tight in my throat and heavvy in my energy!

    I feel unloved

    …………………………………………………………………………

    Daria,

    Thanks so much.

    Yes, totally need to focus on my feelings triggered by flame out. Think I can do that.

    I have a massive issue about the money I owe him though. HATE owing people money. It feels very uncomfortable to me! I worry what people will think as I know how I think about people who don’t pay back money. I’ve had it done to me and it doesn’t feel good, makes me lose respect for the,!

    I want to pay him back… but of course I want him to call me, NOT the other way.

    I just have a major problem about not keeping my word and doing what I say I will do. This is a principle I have alwasy lived by and has made me feel good.

    STUCK on this ! Feels like 2 principles I live by are directly conflicting.

    Advice is welcomed here.

    Daria and everyone else, what do you think



  89.  #89Denise on October 25, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Yes, Honey & SLV-
    Adored IS good.

    Thank you! That is how I want to feel all the time, even when he is not with me. To feel adored (secure, safe, along with being loved) even when not together, that is my goal.

    When he asked me what I was looking for way back when, I told him this on date 5. He told me “You are absolutely adorable”. That was the best feeling. He was so sincere, I felt hugged and tingled all over! And he wasn’t even touching me.



  90.  #90Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Ella: I would wait a bit. It really hasn’t been that long. Just focus on getting taking care of you right now. For me, it seems more important to lean back right now rather than worry about the $. It’s only Monday. 🙂

    how does that sound?



  91.  #91Lucy on October 25, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    I feel sad reading about “adorable.”

    WH said “You are so adorable” to me, but then faded away….

    🙁

    But I feel happy for you, Denise. 🙂



  92.  #92Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Denise – I would not. I am interested in a man who wants to marry me, and that means a man who would step up to claim me with engagement and plans to marry is the only man I’ll be considering for marriage.



  93.  #93Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Ella – is it more important to return this money (and relieve for now the feelings of anxiety around owing money whcih are screaming to be loved and healed)

    or is it more important that you are creating an attraction with this man



  94.  #94Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    relieve anxiety – call and say you want to return it vs.
    create attraction – don’t call, and look and heal feeilngs and beliefs about “owing”



  95.  #95Ella on October 25, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    LG – it sounds good.

    And it is what I am doing now 🙂

    You are right- stay in the moment.

    I know this is all my issue around receiving… wow, amazing how one trigger can be so strong! I honestly thought I was ok with letting a man take care of me now, however I am clearly NOT!

    Ho hum… keep working at it, lol!



  96.  #96Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    When i feel like getting exclusive with a man, i’m already seeing visions of us together forever and having a family… this starts happening right away when i “fall in love”

    i’m not interested in holding off on that when i feel adored and safe

    im not going to need a year at all… once im in love

    but i AM going to need a Proposing man



  97.  #97Hadassah on October 25, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    #87 – Maybe try “dating” yourself versus focusing on dating men for a bit? I swear when you stop focusing on MEN MEN MEN everything changes.

    I think a BIG part of the issue when guys blow off dates is that men have gotten so USED to women overfunctioning and initiating that they have gotten spoiled/lazy! I think they take it as, “well, she isn’t calling me, she isn’t emailing me, she isn’t (fill in the blank) so she must not be interested!” My bf and I have run into this issue as well!

    As far as the whole deadline for engagement thing goes, I think that after two years you should have some kind of knowledge of where the relationship is heading. If you are barely 20 years old, I don’t see anything wrong with dating someone for 5 years before becoming engaged. Obviously there is a world of difference between someone at 20 and someone at 30!



  98.  #98Ella on October 25, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Daria,

    I hear ya!

    Ok, re ‘owing’

    I have massive tight feelings around this. I have leant money to people before and not had it returned… you know that thing where even when you are lending it you think… ‘I am not going to get this back’ but because they are a friend you lend it anyway.

    So when I owe someone something (in fact really just with money) I feel REALLY guilty. And uncomfortable. Because I do not want anyone to judge me, but also because I feel like I have taken something from them that they worked hard for… and why should they have to support me?

    I don’t want to be someone who cannot take care of myself! Owww, that is intersting isn’t it! Feel I have to always take care of myself and do things perfectly otherwise I am a failure… not good.

    I have a belief that people who take and don’t give back are not nice… hmmm, I wonder how that one will fit into CD-ing…

    I also want people to know that I keep my word, but more importantly I want to see that I keep my word so I know I can trust myself.

    I am not going to call him though… will figure the money out later…



  99.  #99jacqueline on October 25, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Hi all! I got an email about gossiping….and hopped on for the latest. LG, I don’t have your email – so this is a disclaimer, it wans’t me. Smile…and I have noticed your depression. I have SAD (seasonal) stuff – maybe you could get a light box?

    Lucy! Hi, I’m glad to see you back posting, I missed you. Especially with so many people leaving it’s been feeling off without a lot of differing voices. So, welcome!!

    You all know I’m reading and studying Dr. Paul’s stuff – he makes a big distinction between legal contracts and committment. So, an engagement in the bag….still isn’t a legal contract. And he has a great quote – something about all that (you get the contract) and there still isn’t a guarantee.

    He also talks about personality development from infancy – and initiations, myths, roles, characters, interacting with men in jobs, friendships, etc. Very cool stuff, I’ll find the quote.

    I hate to see so much focus on “legitimization” of my feelings or actions –

    and go by what Rori said – sex, if you can’t handle it, don’t have it.

    The girl above couldn’t handle it.

    I love sex!!! I don’t know how I feel about committment!

    Grins,
    Jacqueline



  100.  #100jacqueline on October 25, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    @ Denise – wow! actually it sounds like you are on the right train, going at the right speed and in the right direction. Role model!!

    and happy day to ya!

    J



  101.  #101Laughing Goddess on October 25, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    I feel excited to connect my inner world of spirituality with my external world. I feel excited to experience magic…to experienced god in the details of my everyday life.

    What does that mean?

    Can I feel passion when I go pay a bill?
    Can I feel gratitude why washing the dishes?
    Can I feel connectedness while picking up poo?

    What are the details of my life? What are the everyday things? What do they mean? How am I supposed to relate to them?

    Are they just symbols of my inner world.

    Does feeding myself food symbolically represent the way I nurture myself?

    Why do I want to know these things? It felt easier when I didn’t care.

    What the frick am I doing here?

    Am I having an existential crisis? WTF is an existential crisis anyway?



  102.  #102Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Ella – I would work on embracing this:

    ” I feel REALLY guilty. And uncomfortable. Because I do not want anyone to judge me, but also because I feel like I have taken something from them that they worked hard for… and why should they have to support me? ”

    embracing guilt and uncomfortableness – this is a pattern taught in the past, its just triggered by this situation

    and these beliefs and questions “why should they support me? “i’ve taken something from them that they worked hard for”

    are kind of like nvs

    can you reframe this?

    as in…

    i know it makes them feel good to give to me? it makes a man feel manly to support me? i deserve support? i deserve to receive from a man?

    etc etc?



  103.  #103Ella on October 25, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Hadassah,

    Yes, this is so where I have been feeling I am at now. That I just want to focus on me for a bit… and not men.

    I have been focusing on men in the past few months for the purposes of CD-ing. And it has been/is AMAZING. I am learning so much.

    On the other hand I am tired of being constantly triggered.

    I want to bring my energy back down to ground for a bit. Focus on me.

    I do have anxiety around owing money. However I will chill, lean back and see how this plays out. I’m ready to chill and focus on me… so I guess I will figure the money issue out later.

    I want to feel heard about the money though… it just feels so icky to me… the whole thing, borrowing it in the first place, and now owing and feeling anxious about paying it back, or not getting the chance to!



  104.  #104Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    LG – remember how i said i was going to make magic washing the dishes?

    well i sang while washing the dishes a few times…

    and now I LOVE washing the dishes… i now wash dishes for the whole house!!

    i must have associated it with opening up my heart and joy- just like i intended



  105.  #105Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    @50: Honey says:
    SLV –

    “You are a goddess…you deserve to be adored!”

    I am, the more the merrrier! I hope for you too!

    SLV



  106.  #106Lucy on October 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Jacqueline, thank you for the warm welcome. Feels good. 🙂



  107.  #107Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Ella – I feel kinda sad and dissapointed that you want to feel heard about money – and don’t feel heard already…

    I feel like a dog getting the get out of here command and slinking away with its tail between his legs and his head down (wow!!!)

    I believe I have felt similarly to you in the past, and have worked and made progress on this

    I’ve been saying… I hear you… with my intention…

    I feel sad and unheard



  108.  #108tinque on October 25, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Peanut passed a little bit ago in my arms on the way to the vet.
    Feeling really, really sad.



  109.  #109Ella on October 25, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Yes,

    And I think the situation on Sat night just triggered my NVs big time and I slipped into anxious/neg energy, which is not attractive. Which created the vibe on Sunday.

    Interesting to see how it could have played out differently if I had been able to stay with my Siren self in that situation.

    Well I can now.

    I can embrace the feelings of guilt and uncomfortableness triggered here in me by this situation…

    Tight feeling in throat easing a bit.

    Who knows what will happen next.

    I can see how I can allow men to feel nice by letting them help me and take care of me.

    I can see how my NVs and anxious energy repel not attract, and I can also see how a genuine man who really wants me will not be put off through seeing this side of me once!



  110.  #110Denise on October 25, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Hadassah- I’m with you about age & timing. When I was early 20’s I was not in a marriage based mind. I think in my 30’s I was less than quick about commiting to exclusivity, unless we were moving in together. Now in my late 40’s, I am. I know myself, and am certain of my needs. But I am definitely not rushing into a marriage within a year. SO much changes after about 9 monthsof serious dating, there is a shift. BUT I am thinking that by the one year mark, I want to know if we have a chance at that- and being engaged.

    I am focusing on me. I date friends, and guy friends, so I am ok in that sense. That CD part of my life is fine. You are so right, about the stupidity of these guys expecting us to do the work, initiating, calling etc. Even after explaining to them I am not going to do that, it still seems that they wait and wait.

    My Perfect Guy said I was the one that was being chicken about not calling him this week! The laying back backfired.



  111.  #111Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    tinque – hugs to your grief… thats a beautiful blessing that she started her amazing journey in your arms



  112.  #112lm on October 25, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    tinque 108:

    i’m so sorry.



  113.  #113Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Denise – your perfect guy sounds Mucho Imperfect. I really will feel so happy to see you keep on with the Circular Dating — men will step up, and maybe this guy will too.

    So far i would have felt awful, blamed, manipulated, turned off. with his behavior and attitude.



  114.  #114Denise on October 25, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Oh, Tinque! So sad for you! Tears well up my eyes. Our critters are such an important part of our lives. Mine is an extension of me. Peanut is on the Rainbow Bridge, Tinque.



  115.  #115Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    Do you think you should have to call him?

    Were you being chicken?

    What was he being??

    I feel angry… I’m not gonna do the elephant in the room anymore and not tell you that this guy DOES NOT sound liek a stepping up man

    all the weird ish about not having sex spells TROUBLE ISSUES, HIS ISSUES RED FLAG

    all the i dono about marriage, the fatalistic attitudes RED FLAG

    not calling for a week AND YOU REACHED OUT TO HIM!! HUGE WAVING RED FLAG

    calling YOU chicken for not calling RED FLAG

    This guy is like the red flag waver



  116.  #116Rose on October 25, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    My heart goes out to you Tinque…Hugs..xoxo



  117.  #117Ella on October 25, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    Daria,

    I feel sorry that you feel unheard and told off like a dog. 🙁

    I always feel massively helped by your posts and replies.

    This issue around money in general is a MAJOR block for me…

    I feel heard around the guy and dealing with my feelings around this particular situation…

    and I still feel split because I still feel icky owing money. I am seeing this as a separate issue. And I guess this is what I am feeling unheard on.

    And maybe not cus you guys are not hearing me… just cus I am deaf on this right now!

    I am judgmental on this. I feel it is wrong when people don’t pay back money. That is me being judgemental isn’t it…

    I have a block.

    But Daria – I do not want you to feel sad.

    I feel warm to you and I have also felt a connection to you.

    I do not think I am warm/attractive in my energy right now. I think I am ‘spiky’…

    I hope to shift again soon.

    xx



  118.  #118Denise on October 25, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Lucy, sorry about the adorable feeling for you.

    Jacqueline- thanks for advocating the happiness! Leave the legitimatizing. Very true point by Dr. Paul on legal contracts, and promises. I have had some life lessons in that department!

    I think the speed is increasing. It’s been slow but steady. There are bumps along the way as we get to know ourselves. The communicating is coming along, as he Mans Up, and the openess, and willingness gets more tender.



  119.  #119jacqueline on October 25, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Tinque – what a blessing that you did not have to make it to the vets. I was so sad at watching Goose suffer that it was a relief when it was over, but the vet experience was so awful – really bad.

    So I am lightened at the fact the baby went home in your arms.

    Love to your angel, and hoping you have seen the rainbow bridge site – you can write a tribute there.

    and love to you!

    J



  120.  #120Lucy on October 25, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    Thnx, Denise, I feel “heard.” 🙂



  121.  #121Lola on October 25, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Tinque
    I feel sad for you, we lost our beloved MR P (Cat) on my daughter’s birthday this year and I feel teary when I hear of other furry babes passing.
    (((hugs))) to you!



  122.  #122jacqueline on October 25, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Denise I see this very differently – very much an example of you being the rubber band holder…him needing time to reflect, snapping back – and think you did good!

    Ella, hi! not sure we’ve talked much, but I like reading your stuff and hope you know we’ve all got different takes on the same tools. I think you’re doing well, also.

    and Hi, Meemee, just a hello for ya! cuz I’ve got to get to real life chores…

    J



  123.  #123Ella on October 25, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Tinque,

    So sorry to hear about hwta you are going through.

    Lots of love to you. x



  124.  #124Ella on October 25, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Urghh – I mean ‘what’



  125.  #125Lucy on October 25, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    So sorry, Tinque. 🙁 I love the words Daria used — “a beautiful blessing that she started her amazing journey in your arms.”



  126.  #126Denise on October 25, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    My eyes are open. I see the flags you refer to, but they are not all red as what you are waiving has many missing details.
    He did step up. He did call. He misunderstood our previous conversation, and didn’t get the details as I did, so we agreed to disagree and let it go. But he totally got my feelings of how I need it to go, once discussed in person as too much got lost on stupid texts.



  127.  #127Daria on October 25, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Ella – thank you for adressing me on that. I feel better.

    And, my dog thing is my issue… maybe i was once a dog and this happend. Honest hugs and cuddles and belly scratches for my doggy part

    I DO Hear you on feeling uncomfortable about the money!

    LOL

    this is exactly how i used to feel – it came from being a guy-buddy girl –

    gotta keep it 100, be honest, be a man of your word, etc

    its different for a woman – i bet some might jump in and say no –

    its different for a woman in a ROMANTIC situation

    its much more important to care about the quality of the Relationship, than about …

    keeping it even… and Doing… and making sure you don’t owe – that will make a man look at you as a Buddy he RESPECTS for being a man of his word

    not as a receiving, soft woman who he is able to protect and take care of with his resources

    If this were me in this situation now, I would wait until he calls me… and then say

    ohh ive been feeling uncomfortable, having borrowed money from you, and i just want to let you know I appreciated it so much… and am able to return it now at any time

    CAREFUL to avoid PUSHING it on him, as that might actually insult his manliness



  128.  #128Daria on October 25, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Denise – I still feel very angry at this man and how he has treated you at times and regarding certain issues – from what i have read

    I don’t want you to settle for less than wonderful on all fronts

    I feel afraid that you are tolerating the bad because of the intensity of the good

    I would absolutely NOT tolerate a man not wanting to have sex with me when I am feeling ready to…

    I feel furious and I would feel humiliated and UTTERLY confused

    ***

    I feel frustrated

    This is your situation and you have a right to engage in it and feel good about it – absolutely. And I don’t want to actually advise/control you (catching myself doing this with my intention – oops)

    and parts of it feel triggering to me to read about it

    NO NO NO to this for me.



  129.  #129tinque on October 25, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Thank you all with all I have left. I feel grateful K was able to leave work to go with me.
    I love what you said Daria. It feels so special. I will keep these words close to my heart.
    Everyone’s tender thoughts mean so much to me.

    xxoo



  130.  #130LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Honey 23

    there are two things here considering he is a total stranger and you were only kissing his mouth.

    Me “I feel disrespected and manipulated”
    Him “sorry, I thought you would love to feel it, no disrespect meant.”
    Me, laughing “OK, no big deal then. Misunderstandings happen. All is fine. I am ready to leave now, thank you for a lovely date”
    There is obviously a huge gap between us. He would probably impose his short cuts on me in other fields in life. I would probably not date him anymore. He would have to REALLY surprise me during his next phone call.

    the other thing is that he is turning the roles around.
    He is not touching your sex, he is forcing YOU to touch his sex. He took your hand to give himself sensations! Or whatever for, but he took YOUR hand to act on HIS body. It was all about him. He forced you to lean forwards towards his body. He pull you off your bridge.
    He was manipulating through you hand loool in every meaning of the word loool

    I would leave. I would feel he is a girly man. And a manipulative man. lol
    I expect a masculine man to come to my body, not to make me go to his body. A masculine man does not force me to step off my own bridge, he steps on my bridge and pleases me before anything else can happen. And he loves it.
    He might please me so much that I will be inspired to “go” to his body, but that is MY choice. He does not MAKE me touch him.
    And a masculine man, does not assume a kiss means touching sexual parts.

    It is not about whether it is right or wrong. He did that because he knows it works. Many women let him do it and even give him what he wants the same night, that’s why he does it. If it never worked, he would not do it any more.

    I am just saying what I would do. His attitude would not fit what I want.



  131.  #131Ella on October 25, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Daria,

    I like your doggy part, lol… it is cute!

    Your post made me feel warmer. I felt like I wanted to cry for a minute and then I laughed… because that is exactly how I feel! Gotta keep my word… and a guy-buddy-girl! Yes…

    And yes it IS male energy.

    I think I have read some stuff in your posts before where you have refered to bad boys and gangsters you have dated.

    I can relate to that because I have often dated these type of people in the past, and was never open to other types of men. I think that is where a lot of my ‘tough girl (guy)’ attitudes come from…

    I used to move in certain circles where you had to be tough… makes being soft more difficult, and shifting my ‘I can take care of myself so scr*w you’ attitudes.

    I feel heard now!

    When you put into words about how it is different for a woman in a romantic relationship I hear that! And I am getting it better now… I feel it, it feels more free and easy.

    It feels better.

    And I know on Sat I was not letting him take care of me… and I know how awful that felt… I think I will do that re leaning back and when we do speak I would also like to say how nice it made me feel that he took care of me (cus it does once I get past my issues around recieving).

    Don’t want to deprive him or any man of this chance or his manliness, lol!



  132.  #132Daria on October 25, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Loneplum – even tho theres a lot of judgement – about men and sex – in your post and that feels cold and off putting to me…

    there is also much insight

    i didnt’ consider that indeed, he pulled her hand to HIM

    that i would indeed feel uncomfortable with… and have… with men before…

    yes… i would feel angry and resentful for him to use me to touch his body…

    GRRRR



  133.  #133BarbinOz on October 25, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Tinque so sorry for your loss, big love coming across the oceans xxx



  134.  #134Daria on October 25, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Ella – yay! i feel happy and heard and i feel happy you’re feeling better too



  135.  #135Daria on October 25, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Ella – ps … i feel happy that you used to “move with a tough crowd” too… I feel glad we can relate on this and help each other



  136.  #136Ella on October 25, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    I’m off to bed to get some sleep.

    Taking care of myself.

    Night night all Sirens.



  137.  #137BarbinOz on October 25, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Loneplum and Daria

    On one of the Targeting Mr Right CD’s Rori actually uses this of an example of NO!! You do not let the man take your hand and put it on his crotch….



  138.  #138Ella on October 25, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Yay Daria! 🙂



  139.  #139Daria on October 25, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Tinque – I feel glad my words felt good to you. I was blessed by the goddess with some insights on the beautiful journey of death the past couple of nights



  140.  #140Daria on October 25, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    Barb – wow, yes! i’m not surprised! now!

    Thank you Loneplum too for noticing this

    i have forgotten that part… thank you for sharing it



  141.  #141LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    BarbinOz 137

    Why am I not surprised? lol
    Of course she would say so.

    The whole web site is about self esteem and boundaries. It is about NEVER try to understand why a man does what he does, but to make sure we feel right with ourselves when he does whatever he does. And to stop being a doormat. To stop making excuses for the man’s attitude when deep down we feel it is not right.

    It is about self respect.

    Our boundaries help them define themselves. It gives a price to their sexual desire. They love it.



  142.  #142Hadassah on October 25, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    #103 – Ella – Owing anyone money is an icky feeling – I owe my MOM money (I had to borrow some for very good reasons – doctor visits for my daughter, etc.) but it still SUCKS to owe her! It just makes me feel awkward about her letting me eat dinner at her house and babysitting my girl for free, but I am trying to work through it the best I can. Being honest with how you feel is always important, if you are feeling good or bad!

    #110 Denise – I know what you mean about the sitting back backfiring on you. I have decided that there are times where I just have to follow my gut and go against the feminine and just step up myself. Before, I overfunctioned. All the time. And overanalyzed. Now with the help of these posts and Rori’s e-book (my, how I wish I could afford her Modern Siren and Commitment Blueprint!) I learned when to sit back and when I do need to reach out.

    I make sure my bf is reaching out to me more than I do to him, because it feels so good to me. There are times when he has mentioned that he needs to feel, well, wanted too, so I try to make it a point to call or text him or initiate a visit around once a week. Keep in mind, he initiates the rest of it! It’s all about balance. And no one is perfect.

    I think a year at your age is perfectly acceptable. Obviously, the longer you have been around the better you know yourself and what your wants, needs, and don’t wants are!



  143.  #143Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:00 pm

    @108: tinque says:

    “Peanut passed a little bit ago in my arms on the way to the vet.
    Feeling really, really sad.”

    I feel your sadness, I’ve had that happen too. But it was the best way possible at this time for your Peanut; comfy–as possible–in your arms and not alone or afraid.

    Bless both of you.

    SLV



  144.  #144Denise on October 25, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Daria, thank you for your frustration and anger. I felt your post was more about you, and perhaps your issues, than me.

    Do not be afraid- I won’t tolerate bad behavior with my experience.

    My relationship is rewarding. Every relationship is a learning experience of what we will and will not do or tolerate. This is hwo we evolve and get to the next level. My lesson here is to learn this is his choice, and his choice is out of my control. That leads to me respecting his wishes. This is a big step my wisdom, and for the Control Freak In Charge.

    Sex, commitment, engagement, marriage, are all a two way street. Things can change on a dime! As Jacqueline mentioned re: Dr. Paul, contracts are broken all the time. That I know, having been engaged once.



  145.  #145jacqueline on October 25, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    Hello, Loneplum!

    I am curious as to what you meant by this –

    Our boundaries help them define themselves. It gives a price to their sexual desire. They love it.

    The love having a price to their sexual desire? I feel/think that’s not what you meant, or I don’t know what you are trying to say.

    Best,

    Jacqueline



  146.  #146Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    130: LonePlum says:

    “…Many women let him do it and even give him what he wants the same night, that’s why he does it. If it never worked, he would not do it any more…”

    I believe this is true: this is what they know to do. Do you believe any of these guys are educable, redeemable? If so, how?

    SLV



  147.  #147Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    @97: Hadassah

    “If you are barely 20 years old, I don’t see anything wrong with dating someone for 5 years before becoming engaged. Obviously there is a world of difference between someone at 20 and someone at 30!”

    It would be fun to develop an algebraic formula for this.

    I’m serious.

    SLV



  148.  #148Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    76: Meemee says:

    “Daria,
    Yes. I am somewhat scared of him. ”

    You have nothing to lose by staying away from him and CD.

    SLV



  149.  #149Renee on October 25, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Honey — I’m very envious of your ability to have an orgasm just from kissing! Sounds like you are a very sensual woman! (I know this is not a competition and that we’re all sensual in our own ways…I just feel a little jealous of your ability to have an orgasm so easily).

    On the kissing thing — I get a lot of “wow” kind of compliments too and I do think it has to do with letting them lead…I just follow the leader when I’m kissing and that seems to work pretty well, unless/until I’m kissing someone who sucks at it, lol.

    I think I would feel a little put off if a guy put my hand on his dic* on the 3rd date…it would make me feel like he saw me as mostly a sexual contact, rather than as a potential long-term relationship. But I agree with Daria on not making him wrong for it and just saying something like, “I feel really turned on too, but it’s too soon for me at this point.” or “I’m not comfortable moving this quickly.”



  150.  #150Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    @61 Brenda

    ” I feel scared that I can’t hold a full time job. This job should have fired me many times over”

    Consider not quitting your job it until you get back on track. People that know you and like you on your job will put up with some lapses, people on a new job probably will not.

    SLV



  151.  #151Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    @59: Honey says:

    “That’s why Rori’s idea of kissing every guy as long as I’m not REPULSED by is uncomfortable.”

    I’ve never done that; not sure I know how or would want to. Do I need to learn to?

    SLV



  152.  #152Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    ,
    @58: Daria says:

    “…It’s the man who checks her clues…”

    I need know more about clues, which and what, and whatever else

    it’s best to know.

    There must be man clues also that we can be open to receiving other than “Me Tarzan, me want sex.” 😆 Are there?

    SLV



  153.  #153BarbinOz on October 25, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    #151 SLV

    My oh my, I thought we just had to DATE every guy not KISS him – well no more than a kiss on the cheek on meeting and departing…….ewww I don’t want to KISS every man I meet on the mouth and have a big session …… 🙁



  154.  #154nir on October 25, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Tinque.



  155.  #155Luzy on October 25, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    I couldn’t help it and I had to write him an email. I am not expecting him to come back to me after all this mind games and uncertainty. I wrote to him to tell him how I feel with his indifference I needed to let it out it was killing me to pretend I was ok. I did not write he email because i wanted him back, but because i wanted him to know how it feels.

    I know he probably hates me or whatever, I am ok if he doesn’t talk to me again; I am mad and frustrated and he made me feel like I was a psycho or someone who cannot undestand even when I never stalked him or pressure him for anything. I hate men today!!!!



  156.  #156Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    153: BarbinOz says:

    “…….ewww I don’t want to KISS every man I meet on the mouth and have a big session …”

    I don’t either! I thought a handshake would do at first meeting and if we leave first date with the tiniest of semi-hug/air kiss would do.

    I’ve wonder about those “Bachelorette” shows where the woman has a little make out session with every guy. Hmmm. I don’t know if I would like it, not with a strange guy. I had to admit I’ve had two guys before but they weren’t newly acquainted guys; they were guys I’d know for many months/years!

    SLV



  157.  #157Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    …it was two guys not four or five or six or seven guys whose names I barely knew…

    Do most of the women feel comfortable doing this?

    SLV



  158.  #158Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    The Pointer Sisters – I’m So Excited music video 3:48
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-LbvFckptY&ob=av2n

    SLV
    sexy lady vibe



  159.  #159PassionatelyPisces on October 25, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Tinque—I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, and glad you do not have to be alone right now….

    Honey, thank you for sharing about such personal stuff. I am also extremely sexual/sensual and very orgasmic (usually serial-multiple…I used to think there was something wrong with me) And I agree that kissing can feel more intimate than having sex.

    I don’t like what he did (with your hand) and totally understand your reaction.

    I also agree with what you said about Modern Siren. I did learn from the program and I got very inspired to “make the most of what I have” so I always feel sexy and attractive—but the portion of the program about sex was—-well—-lame. (I’m sorry. I’m just being honest.) The information was far too generic and, like you said—stuff I already know, etc.

    Thank you, Daria, for not liking the “guy just lying on the bed” thing. When xbf would do that it made me feel SO UNsexy and UNloved and UNattractive. I felt totally disrespected and very foolish, all at the same time. I feel/felt SO proud of myself for getting up and walking out when he did that. (Sometimes I’d go in another room and cry because it felt so bad—but I was NOT going to “service him” while he just layed there!) Used to make me really crazy because he was so hot and cold. Totally passionate and aggresive (in a good way) one day—and lazy and tuning me out the next. Never again…

    Laughing Godess, It’s good to hear you’re feeling better. It’s been dark and rainy and cold here, too, the past few days…kind of gloomy and blah feeling.

    Brenda, I’ve been thinking of you. I really understand your feelings about money and worry around that issue. Things are turning around for me, but it’s a slow struggle. For the most part I’ve found that even if you pay a very small amount ($10.00 a month, say) to a creditor they’re OK with it. What they don’t like is being ignored. Believe me! I’ve had times of not wanting to answer the phone, etc. and worries about wage garnishment. I recently finished paying off a student loan that I only owed $400.00 on and ended up costing me nearly a thousand because of all the interest.

    Maybe if you contact them you could work out some sort of payments—even if you’ve used up your deferments and extensions. It’s been my experience that they’d rather get something (even small amounts) than get nothing. I know it’s hard and scary and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

    Peace…



  160.  #160Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    Dating and Sex – What Do They Have To Do With Each Other?

    There is often concern and discussion about a man sustaining an erection. I believe a man sustaining an attraction is more a problem, more difficult and more important.

    …but we appreciate the erection too. 😀

    SLV
    sexy lady vibe



  161.  #161Lucy on October 25, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Hehe. I am having a rather sensual night.

    I spotted a very yummy man on the page of a friend of a friend on facebook and I friend-requested him, putting “yum” in the message part. Lol. Totally lean forward, of course, but I have ZERO expectations around this stranger — I just wanted to get his face on my friends list. 😀 Anyway, to my surprise, he accepted my request! Double yum! Those of you who are my fb friends can check him out on my page. 😀

    Also, a guy friend from college has been talking about the sultry weather tonight on his fb page — emphasizing the sensual aspects– and a few of us have joined the convo . . . Just now, one woman on there was talking about fog where she lives, and she posted that Carl Sandburg poem about fog. Well, I felt inspired to write my own little poem about fog and I posted it under her Sandburg post. I surprised myself by doing that — I think I might be accidentally flirting with this guy. Here ya go, Sirens:

    Fog

    The fog comes
    like a lover

    Wrapping itself
    around her,
    becoming
    the only thing she sees
    and feels
    in the darkening
    dampening
    deepening
    night.

    hehe

    (yeah, the “hehe” was part of the post on fb. Lol.)



  162.  #162Jennifer on October 25, 2010 at 5:34 pm

    Oh Tinque…I feel so sad for you.
    I love pets. We always had them growing up.
    Sometimes I think you can’t get into heaven unless your pet vouches for you.



  163.  #163Denise on October 25, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Hadassah, thanks for your remarks in 142 re 110. I think I was afraid of over functioning, so I sat on my hands, did not listen to my intuition that my whole lay back idea backfired. He caught it, too. There was too much confusion going on and it spun. There has to be a fair level of communication.

    Funny, I too, was an overanalyzing Queen. It must be that I was a shrink in my last life- LOL!. RR stories help keep the focus on me, and my thoughts.



  164.  #164Jennifer on October 25, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    OOOO
    Lucy…I LOVE that poem
    Can I post it as my status….if I give you credit?
    Already did!!!!!!
    COOL!!!



  165.  #165Denise on October 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Fog is great, Lucy!



  166.  #166Luzy on October 25, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Circular dating is killing me, no one has ask me on a date they just want to chat and get pictures of me. This sucks!!! When I get a disappointment I usually don’t date for at least a year. I need to hide; I feel weak 🙁



  167.  #167jacqueline on October 25, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Knock – have you ever had your thyroid tested? google basal thyroid tempurature test – it’s more accurate than even a blood drawn one. And 5 htp is good but every since I used to take Echinacea and my liver tests came back seriously messed up once, I don’t – very careful with herbs now. Sallow and ruddy could also be thyroid – and dry brushing, oil supplements and sea salt’s great. You probably saw that convo on here?

    @ Luzy!!! Hiya! I’m Jacqueline…and DON’T SAY ANYTHING is killing you…..puhleeezeeeeeee…..I know it’s HARD but our minds tend to take unconcious or subconcious statements literally. Someone first pointed this out to me about “love you to death,” and now it creeps me out!!! You are not weak, you are growing, blooming and have found the GREATEST resource of ALL….

    help and HOPE!!! And some guys just collect pix, so I’d only ever send no more than 2 for authentication. Just hang in here with us and let yourself date yourself, and smile at the world and imagine a ferris wheel in front of you tumping LOVE out of those swingy seats….’kay?

    xo,
    J



  168.  #168Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    @167: Luzy says:

    “Circular dating is killing me, no one has ask me on a date they just want to chat and get pictures of me. This sucks!!! When I get a disappointment I usually don’t date for at least a year. I need to hide; I feel weak ”

    Do what you need to do to feel better.
    Maybe take a 30-day break and date yourself,
    or try a different online dating site.
    Go to some meetups.
    Take a class for something you’ve always wanted to do.
    Do something different with your hair.
    Play some upbeat music and dance our butt off, all by yourself!
    Go for a walk in a different
    part of town and stop for a coffee at a new place.
    Go to the gym.
    Go to your local bookstore and browse the books, treat yourself to one or two, scope out the guys.
    Have a girl party, invite three or more girlfriends to your house for a simple meal and plan an activity or DVD movie, or just a chat fest.
    Get a mani-pedi
    Buy fresh cut flowers for your living room and your bedroom.
    Go to Victoria’s Secret and get a new sexy bra and panty set.
    If you are on a tight budget, go to chain drugstore and get some body lotion and give yourself a nice body rub/massage.
    Shop for groceries in a different store.

    SLV



  169.  #169Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    hahaha :lol
    I meant dance your butt off but you can dance ours off too! I need the exercise.

    SLV



  170.  #170Nikita on October 25, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Tinque, aw I feel so sad and blue about you and mr peanut 🙁



  171.  #171Daria on October 25, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Luzy – don’t let them drag it on like that…

    after a first few e-mails/chats, if you’re interested write:

    “hey… im not interested in talking online for very long… it would feel great to hear your voice

    im at 555 555”

    then don’t answer any more e-mail/chats from him until he calls you – he will

    if he doesn’t, forget him, do the same with the rest

    all of this is just electric buzzing until you have met him in person… only then is it real

    once he calls, if he doesn’t ask to see you on the first phone call,

    the second time he calls, at some point say: hey… i don’t really like to have lots of phone conversations … i feel curious to meet someone face to face.. what do you think?

    and then … don’t answer the phone for him very often if at all if he doesn’t agree to meet you

    Sirens don’t have time for telephonic buzzing either!

    a few men don’t step up, but some will!



  172.  #172Daria on October 25, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    knocksoftly – having a small breakfast of protein and carbohydrate within 30 min of waking up is helping my energy MUCHO!!

    i feel so glad for italian guy who suggested it

    i also have a protein shake 30 min after – this is cuz i dont want to lose weight

    i think it really is amazing

    i will keep having breakfast like this forever, man i feel so glad and amazed



  173.  #173Daria on October 25, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    Sexy lady vibe – i didn’t think i would, until i tried and practiced it… it was a perception and vibe shift

    now i totally see how it works and yes, i definitely can

    it’s a vibe shift from feeling obligated to loyal tied to a man

    to being loyal to me and allowing multiple men to meet my needs



  174.  #174Daria on October 25, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Sexy Lady Vibe – the post above was referring to me being comfortable kissing men

    when i took a look at my belief system as to why i don’t want to do this it was about – being a “slut” and being a “good girl” and “loyal” and etc…

    stuff about how other people would perceive me, and how i have to be good and chaste etc etc

    welll…. im here to say that is bs and i feel much better healing the judgements about my sexuality



  175.  #175tinque on October 25, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    thank you to everyone for all of your loving thoughts and wishes. it helps. a lot.
    xxoo



  176.  #176Rachel on October 25, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Lucy!!! I love the poem! So beautiful and sensual!



  177.  #177Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    @175: Daria:

    “…stuff about how other people would perceive me, and how i have to be good and chaste etc etc…”

    😆 Daria, you jumped the gun on this one. Did you assume my tastes are based solely on someone else’s judgment of me?

    This came up in an earlier post, I forget who with–she was from a small town. If you remember, I said this wasn’t an issue for me. So I never discussed how people perceived me, or judgments except to say it wasn’t an issue.

    Are you thinking that everyone would do things the same as you but if they don’t it’s because they are fearful of being judged?

    It’s possible that people judge themselves and have their own personal standards and so decide not to do some things, or perhaps just don’t like to do it!

    There are many motivations and people change their tastes and behavior from time to time also.

    There are things I did when I was sixteen that I would NEVER do now and not because it was frowned upon then or now; I just know a lot better now.

    I used to ride in cars with guys that raced in very dangerous ways. I would never do that now. What I thought of others judgments of that behaviour didn’t matter to me then (unfortunately) nor now as I can make good decisions for myself.

    Does this help give a better idea of what I meant?

    SLV



  178.  #178Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    @174: Daria says:

    “Sexy lady vibe – i didn’t think i would, until i tried and practiced it… ”

    …but I’ll give it a try and see if I like it; nobody really cares if I do or don’t, me either… but I’m not inclined to warm that quickly for one let alone four…we’ll see… 😀

    SLV



  179.  #179Senior Lady Vibe on October 25, 2010 at 7:32 pm

    … tee hee… and this all assumes that I’ll have four. Someone just mentioned having none. Who knows…. this multiple kissing thing is probably an academic exercise.

    Let me just find one or two sweet l’il ole guys… but not too l’il and not too ole…

    SLV

    SLV



  180.  #180Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    SLV #160

    LOLOLOLOL



  181.  #181LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 8:16 pm

    145

    Thank you Jacqueline. I did feel my sentence was not clear 🙂

    How can I say it
    a man has a hard on, he takes a stranger’s hand and hop, she pleasures him
    that’s it. Instant relief.
    He did nothing to deserve it, he invested no emotions to get it. He wanted it, he got it.
    his sexual pleasure does not feel precious, it is as easy and emotionless as having a pee
    he satisfied a body function and he made a woman become a tool for his body function.
    In fact I think there is an English expression that says “she services him”
    It says it all about what a man can feel for a woman and for himself in such situation.
    impossible that it reaches any emotional level.
    it is all lacking joy and celebration

    The woman’s “NO” gives a value to his desire.
    We are selecting. We have the power.
    He looks up to the woman who has the power.
    He is challenged, he might lose, he wants to win, he loves it.
    It is not about a body function any more, it is about his value as a man among the other men.
    it is not about imposing his desire any more.
    He shifts into trying to deserve the privilege to offer his desire.
    Our “NO” brings the best in him.
    They love it
    When we finally say “yes” he sees himself through our choice: he feels the champion.
    He feels like super man
    HE feels precious.
    He feels worthy.
    I think that’s what I meant by “it gives a price to their desire”
    Sorry I write English as it comes to my mind and I don’t speak English in my every day life.

    Anyway it was only a quick parenthesis about their side, as their side should not lead a siren’s choice. A siren does what feels good to HER. She does not obey to them, but she does not copy them and she does not go towards the exact opposite either, as this would still be depending on men’s attitude.
    She acts independently from them. She does what feels good to her.



  182.  #182Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    OK, in defense of the guys who put my hand on their crotch (I am laughing out loud while writing this), it has happened to me with at least 3 different guys. And each time it never felt like they were trying to get me to DO anything in that “department”…it was only for a second and each of them said roughly the same thing, “I just wanted you to see how turned on I am”. The last guy who did it is the sweetest, most giving, respectful guy you’d ever want to meet. HOWEVER, I let him know in no uncertain terms that it was NOT appreciated both with my words and with my physical reaction. I don’t think it will happen again.

    So now I’m still wondering why this has happened to me more than everyone else. I’m wondering if I’m doing something to provoke this response. Each time it has happened while making out fully clothed and in a semi-public place. (Sorry for the detail – I work as a behavior analyst). Kissing and touching is communication on a physical level…maybe it was nothing more than his attempt to communicate on a physical level, since there was really no attempt to get me to engage “down there”. (heehee) No matter the reason, I was clear in my boundaries as soon as it happened. I’m still wondering if I’m inadvertently sending a wrong signal, though.



  183.  #183Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:26 pm

    When I say “making out”, I mean PDA…nothing nasty. hee hee.

    At first I was offended by these guys, but the more it’s discussed, the more I’m laughing at them. Is that mean? They were probably trying to be sexy, but it soooooo backfired. Dumb guys…they should know better. They embarrassed themselves.



  184.  #184Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    OK, so ANOTHER guy called me today…a new one…and wants to go out. All I can say is this hand ain’t gettin’ anywhere near his ding dong!



  185.  #185Tina on October 25, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    I DID IT with a male stripper, did i just say that? yup lol I feel um funny about it like laughing funny 🙂



  186.  #186Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Oh, I am thinking of so many rude comments I could have made, like,

    “Oh, so THERE it is. It’s so small that I would have never found it on my own. It’s nice to know that you actually have one. I wasn’t quite sure.”

    But then that wouldn’t have been sireny. I guess I like what I said after all.



  187.  #187Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Tina –

    Why does it make you laugh? Cuz you got to see his routine for free?



  188.  #188Tina on October 25, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    I feel like a notch thing on my belt 🙂 hehe, I didnt ask, he didnt ask, we just did. I realized , or I was experimenting with it. um what did I learn aobu tmyself? I need A LOT of time to warm up to a guy 🙂 WARRIOR GODDESS WOMAN SEX GODDESS did it with a male stripper ! lol



  189.  #189Tina on October 25, 2010 at 8:43 pm

    Honey, I dont know why, but I really felt like giving him a bj 🙂 anyway, one for the history books 🙂



  190.  #190LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    Honey 184
    lol
    in my post 130 I am laughing while I say my feeling message to your guy. It does feel like laughing lol

    how far is “making out”? I had never read the expression before this web site.
    and what does PDA mean?



  191.  #191Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    OK, I’m being silly now. I want to make a serious comment on another topic…about leaning back.

    There have been several posts of Sirens having their “leaning back” backfiring on them. I’m new, so I may have this wrong, but I seem to recall that RR also described the whole thing as a “dance”. We are not supposed to ALWAYS lean back…we just need to follow his lead.



  192.  #192Tina on October 25, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    He was so laying the ground rules for our night of random whatever lol. Boy let me tell you what a job of doing Rori Raye tools 🙂 with all the women there, especially with the guys doing their thing .



  193.  #193Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    Tina –

    That is something that I would NEVER do…and yet, your comment makes me laugh! I can see you carving out that notch on your belt! hee hee



  194.  #194Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:54 pm

    LonePlum –

    PDA = Public displays of affection

    making out = anything from kissing and hugging all the way up to some serious touching. At least that’s how I define it.

    But all I did was hug and kiss.



  195.  #195Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    LonePlum –

    How about, “Hold yer horses there, Cowboy, and keep that gun in your holster.”



  196.  #196LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 8:57 pm

    Honey 195

    Thanks 🙂



  197.  #197Honey on October 25, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Tina –

    Since I’m already rolling around in the gutter tonight, I have to ask…what exactly were his ground rules? Was he trying to tell YOU what YOU were supposed to do?



  198.  #198LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    196

    lol poor guys ha ha



  199.  #199Honey on October 25, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    LonePlum –

    Your English is great. What is your first language? What country do you live in?



  200.  #200LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 9:22 pm


  201.  #201Honey on October 25, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Did I ask you before? Are you Canadian?



  202.  #202LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    I learnt English during a school year I spent in the USA, 36 years ago
    I lived mostly in Africa, Europe and in Mexico

    Look, for you and I (men don’t want so many words lool I love it)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sV0zic4KZig



  203.  #203Honey on October 25, 2010 at 9:52 pm

    LP –

    I watched your link. Yes! She is talking about ME!!! I DO talk too much. I always feel like I have to be entertaining!



  204.  #204Lucy on October 25, 2010 at 9:56 pm

    honey, in my experience, men who do that are feeling a bit insecure in their sexuality and want to prove to both the girl and themselves that things are working as they should be. that’s why it may feel like a bit of a turn-off to us… 🙂



  205.  #205LonePlum on October 25, 2010 at 10:03 pm


  206.  #206Tina on October 25, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Honey, we were talking before during and after the show. He approached me, we chatted off and on all night , I paid for some lapdances 🙂 not so much ground rules ,maybe I should just say, I knew? HE IS A STRIPPER! nothing would come of it, how could it? but anyway, he was cuddly, sleeping together was nice, he was warm and cuddly, he liked wrapping his feet around mine while we slept, touching each other through the night, reaching out ya know *sigh.



  207.  #207Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    Slv – whoa that felt weird! Im feeling a lil defensive…

    i don’t like being told i jumped the gun…

    as far as i see i answered your question referring completely to me myself and I … and it feels bad to be accused of other stuff



  208.  #208Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Feel sad… and pouty… i don’t feel good being accused of stuff… feeling misunderstood…

    i love my feelings…

    NOT FAIR!!!

    i love my rebellious feelings…



  209.  #209Tina on October 25, 2010 at 10:22 pm

    I just got back from a coffee date with my karaoke buddy, he keeps asking me if he can come over but never shows. He’s asked me if I wanted a back rub one night and since then he is dodging me until tonight hm. We had coffee, drove around, he talked, I listened, he dropped me off, blah lol.



  210.  #210Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    my sharing how i felt or experienced something isnt saying anything about anyone else…

    i feel shocked

    im gonna feel the shock of the unexpected misunderstanding accusation and

    feel better

    this is not my issue…

    i love my feelings of suddenly feeling taken aback

    this is My trigger … reminds me of my mom

    when i’m happily sharing and all of a sudden BAM somethign feels bad

    ouch

    i love me and my feelings



  211.  #211Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Tina you wild woman you!



  212.  #212Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    Honey – yes, that’s more the mood i was thinking when you said it, and i said that i wouldn’t judge him as “bad”

    and it happens to me often too



  213.  #213Daria on October 25, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    We ARE supposed to always lean back, And follow his lead…

    its a dance in that we Always lean back, and let him lead,

    if we lean forward, we steal the lead from him and it messes up the dance



  214.  #214Jacqueline on October 25, 2010 at 10:35 pm

    Honey – I have had a few guys do that – usually when they’re like really big….heeee…and so proud of it. I just move my hand back away, like up to their face and ignore it. Kind of a lean back, I’m sure that was accidental and if it wasn’t I’ll decide what I want when I want it. LOL

    @ Loneplum – thanks. I thought that’s what you meant, and I think it pretty much sums up what Rori says about sex meaning nothing about dating. I also agree if they have to go over obstacles to get to us it adds to our value – but mostly I agree that yes! it is about what WE want first and foremost.

    I admire you for living so all over the world, too. Travelling is the best educational experience I’ve ever had.

    G’nite to everyone….and happy day tomorrow!

    Jacqueline



  215.  #215janjune on October 25, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Hello LonePlum,

    I am loving your posts!

    I caught a couple of them from awhile back.

    anyway, i can’t wait to hear what you’re going to say next!!

    I love the cultural difference you are expressing here.

    i too feel that what a man really desires from a woman is something much deeper and oh so much harder to pin point than a mere rub-a-dub-dub of the you-know-what :)! haha just being silly.

    But, just wanted to say LonePlum that I really appreciate your point of view and value it tremendously and am so ready to hear the words and concepts you are speaking about how men love us and desire us in this way and how much pleasure and value it brings to them to have a women who *CHOOSES*.
    …who CHOOSES *THEM*!
    …who desires *THEM*!!!

    OH YES, I UNDERSTAND
    a little bit, and am just barely beginning to learn about this and want to know more!!
    I love men so much!! and they love us and want to be with us but there is such an awful disconnect going on.

    your words are very healing to my heart. in connection with men.



  216.  #216janjune on October 25, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    hi jacqueline!

    hey the other night i wanted to ask you if you would tell me what your short list is for men?

    since then i have begun one of my own, but it’s very short…. two items….

    not a murderer

    not a molester of any kind

    oh and thanks for the stats on dating sites, it did help me feel more confident about finding the “good guys”, meaning, to me, the ones who are seriously looking for a healthly relationship and willing to do the work to have one. I think you said what? 1 or 2 in 200 on the online dating sites.

    well, i need to stay off the blog for awhile and had meant to do so but something came up tonight that i wanted to share/record….

    then i saw LonePlum’s word
    then i saw your name and wanted to say HI
    so now i’ll go to my posting…

    see you later 🙂



  217.  #217Daria on October 25, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    dammit im still feeling pouty

    i love my poutiness

    and that feels like

    squeezing in my spleen and smiling

    i love my squeezes in my spleen and my smiling

    and that feels like

    looking to the right

    i love my looking to the right

    and that feels like

    sigh and smile

    i love my sigh and smile

    and that feels like

    breathing hmmm and relaxing

    i love my breathing hmm and relaxing

    and that feels like

    hm smile

    i love my hmm smile

    and that feels like

    sadness.

    i feel sad to see women afraid of their sexuality, well, this thing about only being with one man lol after i went on this journey in time to when women were the ones

    and seeing how patriarchy sought to close down their options

    and how village girls were then locked up into depression for fear of losing chastity

    from virgin = free woman to virgin = not sexual

    i love my inner tummy turning

    i love my joy in allowing many men to fulfill my needs

    i dont feel good or safe seeing this pushed down in others

    i feel tight in my tummy

    i feel smily on my face

    i feel afraid

    i feel blessed but afraid to show my full self

    i will show my full self anyway! thanks fear!

    i lvoe my fear

    im feeling freer

    im feeling yawny

    im feeling a little turned on with everyone talking about sex today

    i love my turn on ness



  218.  #218Daria on October 25, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    janjune – do soldiers that have killed people count as murderers to you – just wondering?

    a lot of warrior men i know have killed people



  219.  #219Daria on October 26, 2010 at 12:16 am

    wow… feeling scared… a bit…

    i don’t want to sound weird… that wasn’t my intent at all…

    i see things from another perspective/reality now and am starting to understand the world differently even more

    and it’s coming out in my speech

    which is cool

    but i wasnt trying to be sarcastic or anything there

    somehow i wondered that

    its ok wild woman you are free you are living you are seeing and wild



  220.  #220Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:03 am

    SLV,

    RE: #150 – Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice. I’m a contractor, and I will be finished by the end of November. I am feeling more than nervous finding a job, and holding it.



  221.  #221Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:03 am

    Lucy,

    Welcome back! 🙂



  222.  #222Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:05 am

    (((Tinque))),

    I’m sorry you and K are hurting right now. Just know that Peanut is NOT hurting. Your kitty is very happy and in peace now, waiting for you. You gave your kitty a beautiful life, right up to the last moment.

    Love,
    Brenda



  223.  #223Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:14 am

    Pisces,

    RE: #159 – Thank you! Unfortunately, my student loan is too far gone for that. They gave me a choice: either a hefty payment or garnishment. I am going to work thru an attorney and see about bankruptcy. I would have to live homeless for the next 20 years in order to make the payment they are requiring.



  224.  #224Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:19 am

    Knocksoftly,

    RE: #161 – I also struggle with tiredness and lack of energy. I know the solution: fruits and vegetables in massive amounts. But until I come up with another solution for finding love…to not find it in food…I am not able to follow thru. But I am in baby steps. I filled the frig with fruits and vegetables this week.

    I recommend the book, “Living Health” by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. If you eat 70-80% of your intake in fruits and vegetables, you will have energy. A big part of energy goes into digestion. Fruits and vegetables are easy to digest, plus they give us healthy energy that we can use to live.

    I hope this helps!



  225.  #225Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:19 am

    Knocksoftly,

    RE: #161 – I also struggle with tiredness and lack of energy. I know the solution: fruits and vegetables in massive amounts. But until I come up with another solution for finding love…to not find it in food…I am not able to follow thru. But I am in baby steps. I filled the frig with fruits and vegetables this week.

    I recommend the book, “Living Health” by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond. If you eat 70-80% of your intake in fruits and vegetables, you will have energy. A big part of energy goes into digestion. Fruits and vegetables are easy to digest, plus they give us healthy energy that we can use to live.

    I hope this helps!



  226.  #226Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:20 am

    Knocksoftly,

    P.S. Fruits and vegetables will also give you incredible skin!



  227.  #227Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 1:34 am

    Honey,

    RE: #183 – I’ve had a lot of men try to put my hand on their crotch, or to rub up against me so I can feel it hard.

    I don’t think you were sending the wrong message. I think it is exactly what Lone Plum said in 182:

    “his sexual pleasure does not feel precious, it is as easy and emotionless as having a pee
    he satisfied a body function and he made a woman become a tool for his body function.
    In fact I think there is an English expression that says “she services him””

    I think it’s about men being sexually oriented. I feel devalued when a man sees me as a sexual object only, not as a human being with a spirit, mind, soul, and heart. A lot of men lack maturity and experience in relating to women. A dog smells meat and thinks, “EAT!” A man who hasn’t developed his relational skills sees a woman and thinks, “F*UCK!”

    More than once, I’ve been known to say to an animalistic man, “EVOLVE!”



  228.  #228BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 4:19 am

    #218 Daria

    Soldiers and any military people are just doing their job, whether we agree or not on the wars, we must support THEM.



  229.  #229BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 4:25 am

    Man trying to put your hand on his crotch so you can feel his hard on and how much you turn him on “baby” can probably get just as turned on looking at himself in the mirror or riding a motorbike……..or………ya know……..anything really …it is really not like some ultimate compliment…………



  230.  #230BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 4:35 am

    Fruit? Vegetables? Workout Music? Abraham affirmations? Louise Hay? Wayne Dyer? Deepak Choprah? The Oprah show? Herbs? Medicines? Ganja? A nice glass of red? Exercise? A bit of Motown? CD’ing (!!)??

    How do you ladies get your Mojo working again when it seems to have disappeared and gone? I have had the most horrible coupla weeks and I just can’t to seem to rise above it all and get back out there again……



  231.  #231Rachel on October 26, 2010 at 5:08 am

    Still struggling with feeling messages. If my guy hasn’t been stepping up with communications, how do I express that without making him wrong? Here’s what happens:

    Me. I feel “________________” (sad, lonely, curious, whatever)

    Him: Why?

    Me: uhhhhhhhhh……. and all I can think to say is “because I haven’t heard from you” or “you’re kinda giving me crumbs”

    There doesn’t seem to be any way to say it that isn’t negative. I’ve tried saying “I love when I hear from you” and he just smiles and then STILL doesn’t step up.

    Like yesterday, I didn’t hear a single word from him and went to bed feeling sad. (I did keep myself in a pretty good place all day) This morning, I wake up to a short little message saying that he got his new phone last night and spent the whole evening playing with it. WHAT? And in all that time, he couldn’t take 30 seconds to send me a little hello or good night?

    So I want to tell him how I felt, but I feel like I’m going to be telling him what he did “wrong” or directing him in how to lead and I don’t want to do that.

    Any ideas from you feeling message queens?



  232.  #232Rachel on October 26, 2010 at 5:14 am

    I’m struggling with feeling messages and not making him “wrong.”

    Yesterday, I didn’t hear a single word from my guy all day and I went to bed feeling lonely, sad, ignored…

    This morning, I woke up for a short little message saying that he got his new phone yesterday and spent the whole evening playing with it. WHAT? And in all that time, he couldn’t take 30 seconds to send me a little message?

    So I want to tell him how I felt, but I imagine it going like this:

    Me: I feel sad, lonely, ignored … whatever I choose

    Him: Why?

    Me: uhhhhhhhhhh

    Because all I can think to say is “because I’m not hearing from you as much” or “you’re tossing me crumbs” or “other things seem so much more important than me”

    And it feels like all of these will be blaming him for how I feel. But yet, he is the cause?

    This is the same guy who on Sunday told me that I have changed and am not acting as “into him.” Well… I’m merely pacing myself off of his lead and dang … we aren’t going anywhere!

    He told me Sunday night that he loves me deeply and that he treasures me. And then NOTHING all day Monday? We live long distance because he’s in the military so the communications are vital.

    How do I feeling message this without it being his fault? Help!



  233.  #233Renee on October 26, 2010 at 5:26 am

    Rose — Thank you for your kind comments on the other thread. I’ve been trying to work through my guilt about only wanting to date men who make a certain amount of money, but I still have a little anxiety surrounding the issue. I appreciate your telling me that it’s ok to want what I want.

    I really don’t think I’m asking for too much here — I’ve dated quite a bit this year and pretty much everyone I’ve gone out with has made a good living, so there obviously ARE men out there who are financially secure and who want to settle down, it’s just a matter of finding the right one for me (this is what I tell myself when I’m feeling optimistic, at any rate). I know there can be a trade off when being with someone who’s ambitious, but I think I’d be ok w/having a man who either travels or puts in a lot of hours as long as when he’s with me, he’s with me and he treats me like a queen.

    My date with the pilot last night was average, I guess. I wasn’t attracted to him (a big turn off was that his teeth were yellow!) and he had slumped shoulders. I might have been able to get past that, but he just didn’t have an engaging/charming personality. Virtually no sense of humor and didn’t give me a single compliment the whole night, even though I could tell he was attracted to me. So, going by the “how did you feel when you were with him” measuring stick, I didn’t feel particularly cherished/adored, so I won’t be seeing him again, though I did tell him I would when he asked. I made up some excuse about having an 8am meeting and bailed on him around 9:30pm…it surely would have been nice for my first date post-Blondie to have been a home run, but I guess that’s a bit much to ask for. I feel like I’m back to kissing a lot of frogs in order to find my prince, lol.

    I’m in touch with a couple of other guys who seemed pretty interested, but I didn’t hear from either one of them yesterday, so it’s possible they’re flaking out on me 🙁 , which is frustrating, but I keep trying to remind myself that if one quality man was moved to pursue me intensely, surely there will be others if I’m just patient.

    How are things going with you?



  234.  #234Renee on October 26, 2010 at 6:00 am

    Amy F — I’ve had more time to look back over my relationship with Blondie and while I’ve spent some time reminding myself about the things I didn’t like about him, I do still have feelings for him and would love to have another chance with him, but only if he were really into it, and I don’t know that I see that happening.

    I mean, I think the truth is, somewhere around week 6, something changed for him and his feelings shifted…the last 2-3 weeks we were together, he was still sweet and attentive, but in retrospect, he wasn’t pursuing me as intensely…I don’t know what happened, but that’s what I see as the truth at this point. I don’t wan to spend a lot of time second-guessing myself because it’s not going to change anything, but if I could do one thing differently, I don’t know if I would have told him about the depression issue just yet…I think that’s something you tell people once the foundation of your relationship is a little more solid. But prior to that point, we had been so open with each other about all of our feelings that it just seemed like the right thing to do. In any event, if that was what turned him off, there’s nothing I can do about it now.

    Speaking about the depression, I made an important decision last week that I think is going to help me move forward with my feelings in a monumental way. For the last several years, I have been on 2 antidepressants — one that boosts your dopamine and another which “levels out” your moods. For the 1st couple of years that I was on the first drug, I was doing pretty well over all, but I went through a really rough time a few years ago that I couldn’t seem to drag myself out of and the dr added the 2nd drug. What I’ve realized is that the 2nd drug was numbing me out and keeping me from feeling my feelings. I think it served its purpose for a time — helping me stay functional while dealing with a major loss in my life — but since my goal at this point is to live authentically and be in tune with my feelings, I stopped taking it last week.

    Going off that drug, coupled with the boost I’m getting from the supplements I’ve been taking are, I think, really going to help me. I’m feeling a lot more in touch with my feelings this week and even though I’m still experiencing some sadness from the loss of Blondie, I’m feeling more “real” than I had been. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a few months and saw him yesterday and I told him about going off the one drug. He said he could tell somethiing was different with me because I was markedly more expressive and animated during that one session that I had been in my previous sessions, and once I reflected on that, I realized that one of the reasons I’ve been really struggling to express my feelings is that I’ve been mostly numb to them for some time and I now have the opportunity to really get in touch with them.

    The only feeling I really felt while still on the 2nd drug was a knot in the pit of my stomach from fear. And while I still feel moments of fear, that knot is no longer ever-present and I’m feeling really good about that. I’m letting myself feel sadness when I have moments of missing Blondie or anxiety when my work isn’t going well and I think that’s good — I can actually feel and work through my feelings rather than being numb to them, which I’m hoping will also open me up to feeling more joy as time goes by and I continue taking care of myself (exercising, taking supplements, getting enough sleep). I think this will be a major turning point for me in my recovery and in my efforts to live authentically.

    Sorry this post is so long, but I wanted to answer your question about Bob Grant’s book. Like I said, his philosophy on being in your feeling self and expressing your boundaries is very similar to Rori’s, so in that regard, I guess it was nice to read another “expert” echoing what Rori teaches here.

    My big question about Bob’s philosophy is that he advocates foregoing all sex until marriage, and that doesn’t fit with my view of an ideal relationship. It has caused me to think a little more about the role of sex in a relationship and I do think I’m going to wait even longer with the next guy I have a relationship with — until I feel very secure with his feelings for me. Maybe even wait until after he’s said, “I love you”. I don’t think there are any guarantees that he won’t flee once sex has entered the picture, but I do think you minimize the chances if there’s an honest to goodness emotional investment on his part before you get involved physically, and I think that’s the way I want to play it from now on. One of my most healthy, fulfilling relationships occurred years ago when I routinely waited 2-3 months to have sex with anyone I dated and while I know there are happy, long-term couples who have sex early on, I think, for my protection, I personally need to wait a while longer. I do become emotionally invested at that point and I want to see some evidence that the man is emotionally invested as well.

    Having said all that, if you want to read Bob’s book, I’d be happy to try to send you a copy. I have a program that converts pdf files to word documents, which I think will help get around the password protection issue. If you want it, we’ll figure out a way to touch base so I can send it to you.



  235.  #235Daria on October 26, 2010 at 6:12 am

    Hmm. I do support my warrior men when they fight to protect me and themselves … I don’t know that the ones I see and support are the same men another woman might. Another might name them murderers a strange mirror.

    But I do not support those who don’t fight to protect me themselves or honest human freedom.

    I definitely don’t want to support what I don’t feel good about.

    But I am open that all humans and men who kill deserve love and healing.

    Ohyea how did I feel – tightened up scared! No I don’t support war or soldiers, unless i agree and feel it’s to protect me and happiness for all.

    No! Say I. I don’t want to do that.

    I’ll let my heart choose who to support. I feel afraid, defiant, angry, alone, afraid, closed off… Sleepy



  236.  #236Honey on October 26, 2010 at 6:26 am

    Lucy #204 –

    That totally makes sense…especially in my age bracket where things DON’T always work as they should. That’s ok…we all have our insecurities. It’s up to me to establish my own boundaries, though. Good observation, Lucy!



  237.  #237Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 6:28 am

    Rachel,

    What if when he was playing with his new phone the night before he was trying to get it to work? What if he was unable to use it? What if he was really busy getting all his contact information input?

    If it were me, I wouldn’t get bent out of shape over one day not contacting, especially if you got a message this morning.



  238.  #238Honey on October 26, 2010 at 6:28 am

    Lucy –

    So my response might be,

    “I feel glad that you are attracted to me, and it’s good to know that everything is in working order, but I’m really uncomfortable with what you just did.”

    And if the guy is a jerk about it, I can add,

    “But now that you did it, it’s waaaaaaay too small for my liking” heehee



  239.  #239tinque on October 26, 2010 at 7:04 am

    knocksoftly – first of all you’re pregnant. this will drain you to complete exhaustion. secondly you are dealing with a great deal emotionally, including sadness and maybe even some depression. another energy stealer.
    as your situation clears, your energy will likely return.
    as for sallow and ruddy skin together, I’m not sure how that works. sallowness is often caused by an over or under working liver. ruddiness is often rosacea.
    eating healthy of course, fruits and veggies as suggested by Bren, good quality protein frequently throughout the day as well as whole grains. this will help with your sallow skin and your energy levels. lots of water too.
    there is no cure for rosacea if this is indeed what you have. if you have lots of very tiny broken capillaries and/or extreme skin sensitivity, then it’s likely rosacea. treat gently with gentle products. always use sunscreen (micronized zinc oxide is the best and the least reactive).
    xxoo



  240.  #240Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 8:20 am

    227: Brenda says:

    “… A lot of men lack maturity and experience in relating to women. A dog smells meat and thinks, “EAT!” A man who hasn’t developed his relational skills sees a woman and thinks, “F*UCK!”

    More than once, I’ve been known to say to an animalistic man, “EVOLVE!…”

    Hi Brenda:

    The above also applies the other way around, to women relating to men.

    I won’t be on blog much for a few days. I am busy with income development; I live alone and support myself. I’m also still learning things in hope of “finding a partner” and I’m keeping myself happy.

    If come up with any ideas or info for you regarding career, finance or anything else I will put it up here.

    SLV



  241.  #241Honey on October 26, 2010 at 8:20 am

    Knocksoftly =

    I didn’t know you were pregnant, so I don’t know how far along you are. If you are in your first trimester, you will feel exhausted because you are building placenta and everything in your body is changing. Women usually feel more energetic the second trimester. But maybe you’re already past the first…

    Pregnancy can also wreak havoc on your skin. I got terrible hyperpigmentation…wish I would have worn sunscreen.

    Was this a planned pregnancy or unexpected? If unexpected, I would expect a lot of emotional upheaval and some “depression” or greiving.



  242.  #242Honey on October 26, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Knocksoftly –

    Treat yourself gently and with love…you are creating a life…the ultimate act of creation…



  243.  #243Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 8:33 am

    @207: Daria says:

    “Slv – whoa that felt weird! Im feeling a lil defensive…
    i don’t like being told i jumped the gun…
    as far as i see i answered your question referring completely to me myself and I … and it feels bad to be accused of other stuff…”

    I was looking for some suggestions referring also to me since my hesitance is based on personal taste and not opinion of others. I had mentioned that in another post; sometimes things get lost in translation.

    “Jump the gun” is a figure of speech, not to do with attack in any way. 😀

    As I also posted, I’ll give it a try. Not to worry, my sexuality is intact. It’s rather precious so I like to take care of it in the way best for me.

    Note: I used to pout too, sometimes I still do. I guess that’s one reason I like you.

    SLV



  244.  #244Denise on October 26, 2010 at 8:46 am

    204 & 235: Absolutely! The guy who forcefully puts your hand down there at that stage of geting to know you, is doing this out of his own insecurities, no matter their age. It’s rude & disrespectful especially if all it was a PDA little kiss. Honestly, these dufus’ should know better, but they are pushing my boundaries just reading about it. Honey, as good as you are at kissing, know what is comortable for you. I would hate if you keep enduring this.



  245.  #245Rosa on October 26, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Wow, right on with timing and this post. This one has taken me years to figure and it seems its taken my nasty situation to finally get it.

    To you kind Sirens who gave me such warm hugs last week after my breast biopsy , THANK YOU. Your hugs and care are so special because they are strong and supportive and not clouded by fear .My close and loved ones are in fear for me ,my elderly mother cant sleep and even my closest girlfriend is too scared/shocked to call me. Its lonely in the middle of their love when i feel weighed down by their fear. Biopsy result tomorrow , hoping for non invasive cancer,then plan for surgery , cancer 95% at least likely.Its 2am , so i am blogging 🙂

    Back to the subject . Just before this happened I met a guy who I mentioned here and complained about for being strong masculine and clearly wanting sex without wanting to date properly.I was sure he is a player.(I still am!) And i dont think he is a long term prospect. But he is cute and very strong masculine energy.

    After the news about the cancer , he continued to text me and call.He said eventually “You can hide from me , but I wont run”. He wanted to give to me , he offered to take me out for a last night on the town tonight. I decided to receive .

    I loved his masculine energy . I loved that he doesnt know me well enough to be scared for me.I loved that he gently respected my swollen black , hurting left breast. I decided to have sex. I do not judge myself harshly. I am thinking that God/the Universe sent me an opportunity to feel feminine before I lose my left breast (or both) and possibly my long, thick dark blond hair. Thank you God. I feel sad . I feel happy.
    I feel gifted and I feel cynical. But mostly I feel ALIVE .

    Sure it wasnt intimate and connected.But it was HOT. And likely it will never be repeated. And it was the only sex I could actually have before mutilating surgery in the next week or two. I have fears of shutting down sexually , now hormones are not allowed let alone the body image issues after mastectomy and reconstruction .

    So I had early AND casual sex with someone who is not a “prospect” who did not make any pretense of wanting to pursue any relationship, and i actually feel alive and liberated and Goddessy . My inner lioness has been fed !!! Miaow.

    My ex, uncommitted – unavailable -imaginary relationship for years guy , living in another country now ,wants to see me mid November when he is next in town and i will presumably be post op. I have seen him a few times in the last 2 years but I have avoided seeing him or chatting in recent months till I briefly emailed him the news. I am so attached still to him that the thought of seeing him makes me cry with wanting him. My grief wells up into my throat and eyes then my body starts to feel nervous , anxious, unbalanced and OFF. I remember these bad feelings , being on alert ,feeling rageful , feeling rejected , feeling used, feeling second best . All this because I had long term sex with him in an intimate but uncommitted relationship.

    I wont be seeing him ever again more than likely even though he was my closest friend for years and professes to love me (but not be IN love with me). Rori’s advice is right on. Sex means NOTHING , I also think friendship means NOTHING if you are only dating a man. He can be close friends with any one of either gender , the “closeness” without commitment is just dating. It is not a relationship. To wake up and realise you are merely a Friend with Benefits feels very very bad inside if what you want is a relationship.

    It is all about that deep sense of inner security. And if you don’t have the commitment that gives you that , don’t have sex ,unless, like me tonight, you are having an Rock Star moment with someone who is not an intimate friend !

    I feel relieved. I feel like I have taken good care of me.
    I feel feminine and soft and vulnerable and pretty. But I feel strong and gutsy and brave on the inside.
    Yaaay me! Thank you Sirens. I will be reading even if I am not posting..



  246.  #246Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 9:24 am

    KS
    Take care. Hug you.
    Meemee



  247.  #247Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 9:25 am

    Sex changes NOTHING.

    Emotional bonding is something that happens, but it also means NOTHING if the logistics of the experience and the “relationship” – if it becomes one_ please you.

    I’m not saying what he feels one way or another – it’s simply IRRELEVANT!!!!

    I see this sentence meaning what it says….I see no error in it.



  248.  #248Honey on October 26, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Denise –

    Thank you for your thoughts of protection. Don’t worry…I have no trouble speaking up for myself with men. It’s shutting up once in awhile that I have trouble with. lol



  249.  #249Honey on October 26, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Rosa –

    No judgments. That’s your lifeforce kicking in…your way to remind yourself that you are still alive.

    I cannot imagine how you must feel right now with impending surgery. The body image thing will be a lot to deal with. Please remember that post-menopausal women also like sex with lower hormone levels. So much of it is in the brain.

    Hugs to you for what you’re going through. Cancer runs in my family…it’s so hard.



  250.  #250Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 9:42 am

    sex means…nothing if it is not in the context _that pleases us…..even if emotional bonding has occurred.

    -the emotional bonding means nothing even if there is sex(because sex changes nothing) because dating is just dating.

    sex can not be used to bribe a man into relationship-
    it is just dating with sex.



  251.  #251Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 9:50 am

    I am getting horrible hives. I got one on my lips and several on hands and face. I feel upset about it.
    I am struggling with this allergy for 3 months and it is not getting any better.
    I slept for the whole day and feeling dull.
    Today the chocolate guy from my office called me up to say he found a great house. I am happy for it. I was sounding very dull while talking to him. He asked me if there is anything wrong. I told him about the hives. He asked he will come to my place and get me medicines and food if I want. I was feeling and looking so so horrible because of the hives on face. So I said no to him.
    Meemee



  252.  #252Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 9:50 am

    I feel sad about surgery- mutilating a breast.

    My aunt had one breast removed…I found out after she passed away from my cousin that the doctor was wrong….her breast was removed for no reason. For 20 years I thought breast cancer was in my family…it is not….only a mistake…that I saw while watching my aunt get dressed as a child.

    http://www.healingcancernaturally.com/emotions-and-cancer-healing.html#cancerpersonality



  253.  #253Honey on October 26, 2010 at 9:51 am

    Meemee –

    Awwwwwwwwwww…to you and to him for his offer.



  254.  #254Denise on October 26, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Rosa, good luck on the results tomorrow!

    I’m glad you enjoyed your night out on the town! Life is for living.

    Find the courage you need, (with the non-prospect, whatever will be will be; and with the ex visiting, whatever you decide) and protect yourself like a lady. Sorry to hear about your loved ones’ fear- you will find the best way to comfort or excuse them!



  255.  #255Turtle Girl on October 26, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Honey-
    Posts 185 and 187 OMG! I am ROFLMAO!! You made my morning girl….wow……….what a wacky sense of humor I love it!!!!!!



  256.  #256Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Rosa
    Prayers and hugs.
    Meemee



  257.  #257Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 10:22 am

    X said yesterday that he will message me today and said sorry for going off the map.
    I am feeling angry.
    He treated me so bad.
    I felt insulted and humiliated.
    I felt insecure.
    Now when I dropped him from my life, after one month of silence he comes and says he is sorry for “going off the map”. WTF.
    Cant he see that I am not sleeping with him anymore?
    why does he think he can say a sorry and restart a “friendship”?
    He said he will message me if I am online
    He might or might not ping me. But I feel worried about how to respond.
    I feel worried about losing the courage and energy I gathered all these days.
    I hate men when they act in a self righteous way.
    meemee



  258.  #258Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 10:28 am

    I was feeling confused about this talk about a man putting our hand on his dong. I can remember this happening to me and feeling really flattered and turned on by it. I just gave it a little squeeze and then removed my hand and leaned back. But this is with someone I felt very attracted to.

    I can also remember this happening with a man who I did feel attracted to but who was also kinda feminine energy. And that did feel kinda weird. It seemed like he was pulling me towards him and putting me in the position of being the initiator. And that felt bad.

    So, for me, I guess it depends on the context and how the man treats me in general. Is he generally leaning forward and initiating things? Or is it an action where I feel “pulled on”.



  259.  #259Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 10:36 am

    LG
    The man I was with used to do that. You are right, the context makes a difference. X used to do it when I used to talk to him about some issues in our relationship. I always felt he was doing it to avoid the “emotional talk” and it made me feel that all he is interested in his f*ucking.
    It made me feel bad and I felt insulted too. But I never said no to it becasue I did not want to offend him.
    Yes, the context does make a difference.
    Hugs
    Meemee



  260.  #260Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 10:37 am

    There have definitely been situations where I have felt quite turned on feeling a man’s erection.

    This feels really interesting to contemplate and remember different situations where it has happened and what the dynamic was between us.

    For me, it wouldn’t be an automatic deal breaker. It would really depend on the context.

    I’m just figuring this out for myself. Not judging anyone else’s decisions 🙂



  261.  #261Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 10:41 am

    Hi MeeMee. I hope your hives clear up soon. 🙂

    Are you feeling stressed about your potential talk with guy tonight?



  262.  #262Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Hi LG
    thanks. I hope so too.
    Yeah, I am feeling slightly stressed about that. In fact I am feeling bad about myself. I was doing well for a month. Then he comes and says he will message me and talk. Then I started worrying about it.
    I really do not want to worry about this. I want to let him be and let him do whatever he wants to do. But instead I am speculating and contemplating and worrying. I feel quite unsiren when I do that.
    I am sticking to my boundaries. I will not message him or initiate any conversation. But I cant stop worrying about the potential conversation. This will be the first time I am talking to him without falling at his feet. I am even worried about what words to choose 🙁
    Meemee



  263.  #263Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 10:50 am

    I’m feeling a lot better today. LI showed up in the midst of my meltdown. I felt really embarrassed and vulnerable being seen like that. I felt happy tho’ with how he reacted.

    I was feeling really ungrounded. I had spent much of the last week reading spiritual books, and meditating, and talking on the blog. I felt realy good but also very stuck in my head.

    When I started doing my day to day life, I felt resentful. I wanted to be back in the magic of my spiritual world.

    What helped tho’, is I started looking for god in the details of my life. Made even the most mundane chores a spiritual experience.

    And this feels like a new and important path for me to follow. Really looking for the magic in everyday life.

    I feel embarrassed saying that because I’m judging that I should already know that. But it feels better to forgive myself for forgetting for a bit.



  264.  #264Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Meemee: so what feels best to you? Do you want to talk with him or just let it go? Maybe give yourself more time before you interact? What is your gut telling you to do?



  265.  #265Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 11:00 am

    MeeMee:

    I’m hearing you say you feel worried as you contemplate on how the conversation may go? Is that the main feeling you are having?



  266.  #266Turtle Girl on October 26, 2010 at 11:03 am

    MeeMee

    Hives is many times a reaction to some kind of food we are eating. It is almost always a food allergy.

    The top foods that cause hives are: Eggs. This one is number one. But also wheat, soy, milk, corn, yeast.

    You can go for years with this stuff and not know what it is and it’s the darn food. Go to a ND and get it checked out. It’s life changing.

    When I quite eating certain foods, many of my health issues just went away. Good luck to you. This is very important to being a healthy goddess. Our emotions and the way we relate to others can be affected by this food as well. Rori had a post on sugar and it’s ill effects. It is so true. I don’t mean to keep harping on this issue but i am passionate about it and health is number one. THEN men…….know what I mean? Take care of us like RR says and then men……
    xxxooo



  267.  #267Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Re:265
    Turtle girl,
    Dr said it might not be food related but caused by some auto immnune disorder. I have to get some tests done. But they are so damn expensive.
    Also I should quit smoking. I simply am unable do it 🙁 🙁 🙁
    Meemee



  268.  #268Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Re:263,264
    LG,
    Yes. He pinged me online saying “Here I am”. replied with a “hi”. No response.
    I do not understand what he wants.
    Meemee



  269.  #269Hadassah on October 26, 2010 at 11:35 am

    Since someone mentioned the whole sugar thing – does anyone else know what I mean when I say if I start eating something I like, even when I am full, if there is more left I can NOT stop eating?!?!?! Like I had some cookies the other night. Had two, felt satisfied. But there were still COOKIES so I HAD to keep eating them until they were gone.

    Moral of the story-don’t buy junk food!



  270.  #270Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Mee Mee: so he texted once, you said hi, and then no response?
    Has anything happened since then?



  271.  #271Daria on October 26, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Whoa! I just had a dream where guywhohadababy was having a child, but it was in a magical setting. He had already had one but she died. I was holding the baby and had mucho love for her. These spirits, a leprechaun and elegua I think were in charge of making it work. There was another child going to be born too in another time zone to a diff woman, and them I as still his love, although right now it was awkward. I was being shown how he has a strong intellect. Also, how I was not with him because I had not excepted him w children, and how this was part of his destiny and I would have to accept it to be with him.
    And now I woke up and remembered that he had a late miscarriage with a past woman, and has a child now,

    That means another to go.

    Wow

    I felt good around his energy in the dream, and I felt much love for his child.

    But I think my godsister was the mom, maybe the woman is similar tempered.



  272.  #272Turtle Girl on October 26, 2010 at 11:46 am

    #268 Hadassah
    Yes I know. Been there. It is often NOT our fault. Food companies put all sorts of additives in the food to trigger desire in us. It is a chemical thing and if we start eating their food it is sometimes hard to stop. We are eating lots but actually not really being FED or nourished. Empty calories and no real nourishment. that way they can sell more food! Make more money!

    Meemee-
    if you are seeing a regular MD he probably won’t even understand or know about food allergies. Get tested via blood test. See a natureapathic doctor who actually knows what they are talking about. I had hives, I had lots of other stuff. It was food.
    Not saying I know for sure that’s it and not trying to get in your business and tell you what to do, but I had doctors tell me it was not food and then when I went to another doc and actually got tested then yep it sure was. It is expensive. Mine were about 400.00 but worth every penny to be healthy. What is the price of ill health? xxoo



  273.  #273Turtle Girl on October 26, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Solution-
    Refuse to eat the food of the evil empire!!! Seriously! lol.



  274.  #274Daria on October 26, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Turtle girl – I want to let you know earlier you inspired me and I have now started eating only natural meats. I followed you when I did it.



  275.  #275Daria on October 26, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Thank you.



  276.  #276Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 11:54 am

    MeeMee: I’m brainstorming on what I might say in that situation.

    -maybe no response. Wait for him to say something.
    – I’m here and I feel open to talking right now.
    – I feel confused. I feel unsure of what we are doing here.
    – I feel worried. I don’t want to repeat our patterns from the past.
    – I feel bored. I don’t want to wait around for this conversation to get started.

    I’m feeling curious what other sirens would do in this situation.



  277.  #277Daria on October 26, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Awesome Rosa! Friendship/closeness also means nothing.

    I think too that’s what Rori was trying to say when she wrote Emotional connection means nothing… If the logistics and set ups of a relationship aren’t present.



  278.  #278Daria on October 26, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Rosa – you might try an herbal healing, massaging your breasts maybe with poke or at joins wort for 9 or 12 weeks and see if it is healing.

    It might feel too urgent at this time to try, im unsure, just want to bring to your attention that it’s possible to heal this way… Susan Weed writes about it.

    I would do surgery or herbs etc depending on what my dreams and intuition was guiding me to.



  279.  #279Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    My relationship with food is one of those details of life that I am finding a new balance with.

    For a long time I’ve been super into natural health. For about 5 years my diet was extremely “pure”. Organic, pretty much all raw. I had goats that I fed organic foods to and drank their milk. Lived on an organic farm in Hawaii, etc etc.

    Then, I went and stayed with my sister while she was in the hospital for 4 months. I was literally with her 24/7. My diet radically changed. I had to eat whatever was available out of shear necessity.

    Now I am in the middle. Definitely on the very healthy side of things compared to the average American diet but I’m much more relaxed and open to more foods than I used to be.

    Right now I’m forging a new relationship to food. I want to feel the freedom that comes with being flexible with my diet.

    And also wanting to understand the spiritual or energetic purpose of food.

    Still getting clear on that. I would love to hear other siren’s thoughts.

    So…

    What is the spiritual or energetic purpose of food? Why do we have to eat?

    Is it life force? Is it a sensory experience?

    There’s a physic law that says…

    Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed.

    So are we taking in food and transforming the energy into our life experience?

    I would love to hear input!!!



  280.  #280Turtle Girl on October 26, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Daria-
    Thank you.

    It makes me feel really good to know that anything I have said inspired anyone/someone/you to change their life for the better. The grocery store meat is so full of poison for women. I am continually on my own mission to have the very best food and best health for me and my body. healthy bodies-healthy minds.

    I am soooo glad to hear you make choices for you. As RR says-Vote for you! I am proud of you. Good for you! You are a beautiful girl and you deserve good food so you can be strong in mind/body/spirit.

    Weak minds/bodies/spirits are easy to control and manipulate. Not our best, not in our game. Not looking out for ourselves=bad decisions in many areas of our lives. Been there, not going there again.



  281.  #281Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Or maybe that is too thinking. Maybe as sirens we FEEL the food.

    I feel good eating that.
    I feel energized when I eat that.
    I feel alive when I eat that.



  282.  #282Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Maybe that’s why I’ve felt so ungrounded. Maybe I’ve been too thinky. Maybe I would feel better if I just felt?

    Felt my day to day life more

    I feel good when my house is clean.
    I feel bored right now doing the dishes.
    I feel good after I exercise.
    But I feel resistant to doing it now.



  283.  #283Turtle Girl on October 26, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    LG-#278

    Fascinating post.

    I agree it is like everything-food does have an energetic component.

    Ok. Example-maybe not the best one but first that comes to mind. You have a tree and you cut it down and the wood is beautiful. You can carve it, make an exquisite piece of furniture out of it. It takes love and energy of the carver or woodworker and what the end result is is wonderful. You buy it and enjoy it for years, the older it gets the better it gets. It has high value. It took time, love and effort to make it and that is present in the wood and the end piece.

    OR

    You cut down a tree, rip it up, make a hundred chest of drawers out of it by a machine, some of it pressboard with glue and other chemicals pasted on and you sell it for cheap and people buy it and it means nothing, and then a few months or a couple years later, it is a broken piece of crap tossed to the side of the curb, goes to the dump and creates garbage.

    BUT THE TREE WAS THE SAME AT THE BEGINNING. What happened along the way was the different energetic input and response that was applied to the wood.

    Same thing with food. The seed starts out the same. The animal is born and what happens to it along the way makes a huge difference. The inputs, the care, the treatment.

    Ladies-JMHO. Just my belief. You have your own. Lively debate is welcome. I love new ideas and other sirens input. xxoo



  284.  #284Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    I feel alive when I am making steps to care for myself.
    I feel safe when I have money in the bank.
    I feel stuck when I procrastinate.
    I feel joyful when I have good relationships with people in my life.
    I feel clear when my home is clean and organized.
    I feel relief when my career is moving forward.
    I feel resistant to doing certain things.
    I feel good when I drink water.
    I feel worried that it is contaminated.
    I feel better when I bless it.
    I feel unsure of what to eat sometimes.
    I feel stress when I procrastinate.
    I feel relief when I do something I have been putting off.
    I feel fear when I think about doing some things. And that feels like



  285.  #285Daria on October 26, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Lg – what I do is imagine all my food ingredients before they became food and say thank you to each for becoming part of me.. Thank you to the bird, thank you to the green parsley. The viny tomato, the egg of the bird , the oil from the olive tree, the salt powdered make up of the earth, the pepper plant, the sweet stream water, the algae oceans hair, etc.

    Then I imagine all the people who had a hand in bringing me this food – and now realizing will add me too – and say thank you. I bless each suffering animal plant that maybe didn’t get the best treatment that I see them for who they Are the best of themselves, and that in me they will heal now.

    This makes me feel soo connected… And sacred.

    Also breathing a slow breath before eating, chewing slow and moving the food over my tastebuds holding it back from quick swallowing, also feels sacred and delicious. Here I’ve taken a couple babysteps so far.



  286.  #286Ella on October 26, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Riffing…

    I feel tight in my throat… tense in my shoulders…

    |Frowny in my brow. I feel shrivelled.

    Icky icky… I feel like a negative drain.

    I feel in my head.



  287.  #287Ella on October 26, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Tight in my stomach. Tight in my pelvis.

    Tight in my throat… aww!



  288.  #288Daria on October 26, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Here’s a link from susuns weed stuff that the beginning if it gave me insight into me eating earth and her eating me:

    http://www.ashtreepublishing.com/Book_Healing_Wise_Blood_Mystery.htm



  289.  #289Daria on October 26, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Lg – water definitely feels diff to me. I like fuji water and also new Zealand aquifer water from trader joes.

    Otherwise I will drink filtered,

    Or if not boil my water.

    Also I have prill beads, I think they add some magnesium. Some people use water wands to energize their water, I feel curious to experiment with that – they are found online like prill beads.



  290.  #290Daria on October 26, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    I also checked a site called raw water and I intend to go to an aquifer in marin to gather water straight from the rock.



  291.  #291Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Ella,

    I read the thread from yesterday and you may have worked this out already.

    Pay the money back and be free of that weight. It does not matter if you contact him to pay him back – this is business, so get that done first.

    The awkward vibe you felt might be because of the money. Once the money issue is no longer between you, see what happens.
    xoxo



  292.  #292Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    I need some help to be strong…
    My soulmate stopped contacting me 2 months ago. I got an email a month ago and that’s it. He needed my phone # because his phone broke, I emailed back the number and he has not contacted me at all. We were totally in love.
    I have not leaned forward at all. I’ve not emailed, texted, phoned. I feel so proud of myself. I’ve continued to date AAA men. However, nobody had moved me like this man, with all of his flaws. He has a great sense of humor, well read, stepped up and then nothing.

    Yet today, I so so want to email him to find out why?? I know it does not matter why, but I feel I so want to make contact today. Is there any way I can do this and maintain my dignity? I’ve kept the rubber band really tight, and I know he misses me. I know if I email and he does not return the email, I will be so upset with myself and go into a black hole all over again. I’ve come so far, and I know when I meet someone I am really interested in, I he will fall off the back of my horse, no problem. I also know he will be back at some point. I am very confident of that. I just want it to be TODAY!

    I’m having a tantrum like a 2 year-old right now – I want it, I want it, I want it NOW!



  293.  #293Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    TG and Daria: I feel happy reading your posts. I don’t feel inspired to respond. I feel better letting it sink in. I feel inspired to express my gratitude. 🙂



  294.  #294Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 12:57 pm

    I feel gratitude for the life force of the plants and animals that feed my dreams and physical creation.



  295.  #295Ella on October 26, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I am in my head.

    I am having issues because I am trying to start a new life here… following my dream and starting a new business.

    I decided to leave behind a well paid job, flat of my own and ex BF because I was so unhappy, and so stressed. My life was falling apart but no one knew.

    So I took the leap.

    Well right now I am f*cking scared! I have run out of money and the business is not moving right now.

    And I feel so stressed about having no money and I feel powerless…

    And I feel so demotivated at the CD-ing thing. Sometimes it feels to me that I am further away from a loving relationship than ever!

    The 3 guys in my rotation who I liked have all fallen out – they have stopped contacting me… flamed out. I want to look at this.

    The other 2 who like me I just cannot be bothered with anymore! I feel mean but I don’t care! Actually i really don’t care, so don’t feel that mean…

    I just have NO energy spare for them and cannot tell you how much they don’t affect me. With one guy it actually feels like he is invisible! I don’t hear him when he speaks, I ignore his calls and I feel NOTHING when I am with him, except midly bored… and zone out.

    Maybe it is time to drop these 2 out… I kept thinking they would drop out anyway due to my complete lack of interest… but they just keep hanging around.

    I feel like a bitch! Oww, love my bitch! She’s got my back.

    Back to my flame out guys… I am obviously putting out a different vibe… With 2 of them there was some leaning forward from me, minimal but there…

    The other thing is I think I might be mis-doing the way I am with them. I am trying to do CD-ing and being honest and I think sometimes it is coming across as crass/uncaring instead of juicy/honest.

    Example: when I was out with MrFeel Good on Sat we bumped into my hairdresser and her BF knew Mr Feelgood. So she said “…. your boyfriend” about Mr Feelgood. I felt embarressed that he thought I had been talking to her calling him that (which I hadn’t) and immediately said ‘oh no he is not my boyfriend!’. He looked sorta crushed.

    Don’t know just think maybe my vibe is off where I am trying to not get all attached… but instead and ending up aloof/hard sometimes, like I don’t want them… and I don’t care. like ‘like it or lump it dude!’.

    This is my tough girl coming out to try to protect me! But she is not serving me well in these situations.

    I hear her! She wants to protect me.

    These flame outs massively trigger my abandonment issues.. which I have always known were STRONG with me since losing my dad, stepdad and then lots of Boyfriends! My abandoned child is coming out.

    I hear her. I love her, she is sad. She is trying to protect me.

    I just feel like this isn’t working and/or I am doing it all wrong. But that is just where I am at now.

    I am committed to this so I am not giving up but I feel DE-MOTIVATED. I know if I had behaved differently I could be G’friend to Mr Feelgood right now… but then I think about how that has worked out before and I remember I don’t want to head down that road again. The girlfriend trap, but sometimes being a g’friend feels so nice… until it doesn’t anymore. And I don’t have anymore years to waste on the same thing.

    I feel alone. I feel unloved. I feel misunderstood. I feel doubtful.

    I feel like a NV on here right now and I feel icky about that.

    I want to express it.

    I feel alone, tired and unattractive in the rain.

    I am hoping this is the dark before the dawn.
    I feel afraid.

    I might as well do this but I feel like an old maid! Lol.

    Oh that feels a bit better. Sometimes writing it out turns it round a bit and makes me laugh…

    Maybe I will listen to one of Rori’s CDs now to motivate me again.

    I don’t want to date right now. Just want to be me and focus on my business.

    But I do want to be loved. By me AND by a man (men) THAT I LIKE. That feels better. I want to feel good and juicy again soon.

    I Love my icky bits!

    I Love my feelings. Love my tough girl and my abandoned child.

    I Feel unlovable.



  296.  #296Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:01 pm

    And breath! lol



  297.  #297Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Daria,

    I did the eating within 30 minutes of waking and wow-no 4pm slump… i had a beautiful day too, I feel like the universe was waiting on me to give me a gift 😉
    so- I bought something my LI told me not to 🙂
    but, who cares….if I am going to leave him, I want to take all of this beloved “junk”(furniture type stuff) with me! and now I am wondering how to get it into the house lol- but I am also totally inspired by my new inanimate friend…



  298.  #298Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Amy re 290

    Thank you.

    I think I have decided that on this occassion I am not going to worry about the money I owe him… As contained within on of Daria’s posts to me I would rather care more about the quality of our romantic relationship than ‘being a man of my word’

    I am a woman.

    If/when he approaches me or I see him I will addres that.

    It feels right as I think if the vibe was right from him right now (ie: him coming forward) this would not even be an issue.

    Thanks to ALL the Siren’s who have commented on the money thing and helped me work through this issue!



  299.  #299Katarina Phang on October 26, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    When a woman does the leaning back too well, the man will begin to feel neglected. That’s what happened to my husband. He wants me to show more effort and interest now by calling him more often.

    Yeah, CD works too well for me…what can I say? 🙂



  300.  #300Katarina Phang on October 26, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    …it’s my LA husband, btw. 🙂

    I talk to my Seattle husband every day.



  301.  #301Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Amy –

    Not sure what to suggest really. I know how hard that situation is.

    I just want to say I feel impressed and awed by how well you have done and how strong you have been. It’s inspiring.

    Perhaps not worth ruining for an impatient tantrum which will pass.

    I know when I get impatient no good ever comes of it. It is another on-going area I am working on.

    Maybe just keep focusing on how well you have done and how good that makes you feel?

    How does that feel to you?



  302.  #302Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Kat,
    I think leaning too far back is more applicable to established relationships (besides, don’t virgos need more attention in general? lol) and not very new ones.

    best,
    nikita



  303.  #303janjune on October 26, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    daria,

    i don’t know the answer to the question you asked.
    i don’t know how i feel about war.
    i have thought about that very issue many times myself, and have not reached a conclusion i feel comfortable with.

    right now i am letting myself be okay with this:
    if it’s in the interest of defending hearth and home and loved ones, it doesn’t feel the same to me as
    if its in the sole interst of obtaining the possessions of another in order to gratify greed.

    your question helped me clarify about dating though to this:

    not wanting to date a person who had committed aggression against another, against the other person’s will, for the purpose of gratifying themselves with what belongs to the person they aggressed against.
    I am making a choice not to go there.
    I don’t want to.



  304.  #304Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Sirens,
    I had a chat with X. I am pasting the conversation below. I felt bad in the beginning. Now I feel better that I stuck to my boundaries.
    This is the first time I spoke to him after talking to you guys. I am not sure if I handled it well. But I am feeling better. Let me know what you think. And help me express myself better.

    X: hey here i am

    me: hi

    X: hello you there?

    me: yes

    X: what is happening on the health, job and writing and finally the fellowship front?

    me: health is bad, job is worse, writing is worst, fellowship is happening.

    X: did i again do something wrong?

    me: meaning?

    X: you didnt answer any of my questions

    Me: Oh. I answered all.

    X: oh then why did it not come. i guess i lost my connection for a moment

    (My status message on the chat was “After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!” After a long pause X said)

    X: LOL!i liked your status msg

    me: thank you

    X: can you say something with a little more joy, although i know it is difficult

    me: here or on the status message?

    He: here right now to me

    me: a joyful night to you. i am happy that you know it.

    x: ya i know it is difficult

    me: I am not feeling good about it.

    X: i will try and make amends. it was that i tried talking to you quite a few times. but you gave me your murderous looks and i got scared.

    me: I am feeling judged.

    X: no, it is only that i was scared. i am not judging

    me: I don’t remember giving you murderous looks. We hardly saw each other.

    X: well, not murderous looks, but non-looks. i mean i tried standing in front of you and you decided i was not worth your time. so i just gave up

    me: I was standing in front of you for months. I felt the same. So I gave up.

    X: i got so mad with everyone due to my overworked state that i was slightly off

    me: okay.I see your point. but I think my point is not that.

    X: then, what is the point?

    Me:I feel tired of chasing you. I feel weird doing all the rowing to keep the boat going. I feel exhausted trying make myself seen, heard, kissed, hugged and touched
    I am feeling tired of doing all the work. I am a woman, and I like it when I am treated like one.

    X: but baby, that is merely because i am confused, angst ridden, off balance and generally hatred filled. i will be better when i can be more in control of life.

    Me: I do not feel pretty, I do not feel sexy and I do not feel romanced. And I am not liking it.

    X: but baby. let me get my act right and i will be better

    me: meaning?

    X: meaning i just need to feel a little less harassed, not with you but with the rest of the world and then i will be better. i guess i need a serious brake

    me: Okay. Now I understand what you say. If you feel you need one, you should go for it.

    X: i should go alright. but who will let me go? with a bloodhound for my boss

    me: Good to know that you will be better when you will be in control. I hope that it will happen and you will feel less harrassed and more joyful.And I really wish people will let you go and do your stuff the way you wish

    X: hmmm
    i hope so too
    you need to get healthy
    i need to get sane

    Me: yeah
    But, I think I can not wait feeling unworthy and unromanced till things get better.

    X: well i will do something as soon as i come back
    until then please forgive me

    me: You have all the time of the world. You have all the space of the universe.
    But I must make myself feel good and happy.
    I think that is the right thing to do.
    Just as much as I am concerned about your mental space and things getting better for you, so much I am concerned about myself- me feeling good, feeling healthy, pretty, loved and romanced, cared for etc

    X: yes baby i fully understand
    i only feel very lost

    me: Researcher to researcher you have my sympathies. as a PhD student, I understand you completely
    As an equally burdened worker, I can not agree with you more
    But when it comes to the boat both of us are in, I felt I should stop rowing this.
    Not because the rowing is tough, I am fully drained of doing all the work alone.
    It feels unlike a woman

    X: i see that sweetie. i see that
    i feel bad about that
    but i also feel so helpless sometimes
    i will go now. so here is a hug sweetie to make up for all the bad behaviour
    and a kiss to ooze the blood in your lips

    me: thank you

    X: i thought i deserved a little better. dont i? after my penance

    me: yes, you deserve good and better. So do I.

    X: hey sorry. can you send the last few lines you imsed?

    me: which?

    X: after what i said last

    me: thank you
    yes, you deserve good and better. So do I.

    X: thats all?
    ok. now i will sleep.

    Me: Okay

    X: Good night

    Me: to you too



  305.  #305Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Honey re 46 – that is amazing! Well done! 🙂



  306.  #306jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Hi everyone! Janjune yes! It’s very simple – car, job, home, no need for Cialis, can read and comprehend, can make me laugh, can deal with my emotions without either underreacting nor overreacting, does not expect me to “have” to work and is generous.

    Anything above and beyond is just extra points – oh and the car, job, home thing kind of weeds out molesters, most felons, etc. – I guess functioning in society is a prerequisite.

    My ad used to say: Fun and self supporting woman looking for adventures, excitement and maybe something more. I’ve travelled extensively, and find adventures everywhere and am looking for someone to share them with. You must be the same – have a car, a job, a home and over 35! Let’s go make fireworks together….

    or some version of that.

    It worked well – I think online they are very sensitive to you might want to “take” them for something. And those men who wrote books about whom they fantasized about? They were either acting out their non committment not really wanting someone real, or they were so scared of SHARING…that they were just not for me. I kind of did the Rori, way, too – when on meet and greets with almost anyone that seemed fun and/or literate. It was at least a part time job, at best, fun.

    But for me it was easier than bars, grocery stores, hardware stores, etc. It kind of prescreened them into someone who was claiming to be looking. So it had it’s uses – and even when it was not what I wanted, it was learning.

    And I love learning about men – heck, I love men. And their hand brushes…yep, I like to be reassured at this age that they indeed can…..well you know. I don’t think it’s disrespectful AT ALL – I think it’s a testing your boundary and never found anyone that remotely acted offended when I didn’t react.

    Kataring is bigamisting….ha ha…..you go girl!!

    xo,
    J



  307.  #307Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    SLV

    Re 152

    “There must be man clues also that we can be open to receiving other than “Me Tarzan, me want sex.” Are there?”

    He he he… I love that! Me Tarzan, me want sex!. I love men for that, lol!



  308.  #308Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Fire = transformation
    Earth = manifestation
    Air = evolution
    Water = purification

    And the cycle continues



  309.  #309Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Or perhaps

    Air = clarification



  310.  #310Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Ella,
    Thank you for recognizing how hard this is. Some days are harder than others.

    I leaned back in this relationship (like never initiating contact) but my vibe was really leaning forward. The relationship meant too much to me. I used it to feel good about myself since so much in my life was stressful and just felt so bad. This was a ray of light and felt so warm (I’ve said it before it felt like the sun and it was really just a flashlight).

    I’ve stepped back and have fixed some of the areas in my life like money. I have been offered a new job and I feel good about it. Even just feeling good about money, makes me feel more balanced. I need less attention from a man as a result. For example, I have a date for lunch next week. The guy told me – OK I will touch base next week and confirm. I feel good about this. Before I would have really wanted him to contact me every day several times a day until the lunch. I don’t really need that now. I feel good without it.

    So, I will get out of here for a bit and this feeling of wanting to connect with soulmate will lessen and go away.

    THANK YOU



  311.  #311jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Janjune -ps – hi! I see you’re here! I just want to say, on the very real front that NO ONE who is murderous or dangerous is going to tell you that – nor, usually present themself that way. I never in all those years and dates met anyone anywhere but a public place, usually where they knew me and only after I had their full name and address. – and then I’d look them up on the tax rolls to see if they owned their house and or had a woman on the deed.

    I also run background checks on any man I get involved seriously with – as in if they are not willing to give me their social and agree to it within say 3 months….I’m done.

    Don’t have forever to continue on my horse, you know??!!

    So questioning your boundaries around violent men? Of course we all have them, and they’re pretty much useless for screening.

    Jacquelinebrielle@yahoo.com….janjune if you want to talk more –

    everyone, have a great day!!

    and that’s katarina…sirenmisting playing house….lol



  312.  #312Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    SLV – re 157

    Well as you have read in my previous posts I have been trying to practice this… and it has been difficult.

    Major triggers not because I have felt repulsed by anyone I have kissed, usually pleasantly suprised. But because some of the guys I’ve kissed know each other!

    Wow, try that for a trigger.

    But I can see how it works and makes me more open to men and stronger. And I am practising not getting attachement vibe to any 1 man so I think this is another area it helps…



  313.  #313Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    Daria re 174 & 175

    Yes yes, agree, me too



  314.  #314jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    I mean that I would go on online lunches or coffees at the bistro, or restaurant by my job or house where the staff knew me – and therefore could get a look at the guy. And if they won’t give you their address…okay I could see that because I wouldn’t give mine. But usually with a full real name I could still do research.

    Questioning whether soldiers are murderers feels sad to me, and non appreciative of the many many who go get killed and leave wives and families and unappreciative of the most amazing freedoms in the world we have in this country. And this is from someone who’s travelled the world and lived in another country – until you’ve been there, you can’t imagine just how free and well off even the poorest American is. And people die to keep us that way – even uselessly, stupidly. They are heroes. And they matter, to me.

    I feel so strongly about being an American and being an even cooler thing – a TEXAN…smile….we are all breathing blessed air and not even knowing it most of the time. Our constitution is a thing of genius and gold. I love my country and it’s soldiers – and if they act deviantly, they are doing so IMO because of a situation I’ve placed them in, therefore I would not judge. I would only appreciate.

    J



  315.  #315Ella on October 26, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Honey re 184

    “When I say “making out”, I mean PDA…nothing nasty. hee hee.”

    Oww I feel a bit triggered by this… sounds judgemental. Is it nasty to be sexual with a man? To express our sexuality?

    That doesn’t feel good to me. I want to love and accept that side of me too.



  316.  #316Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Mee Mee: I feel relief reading your interaction. I feel happy about you holding your boundaries. I feel happy to hear him understand your concerns. Wow! I feel really excited.

    I feel curious how you feel after the conversation.

    I feel aware of a few phrases that have been expressed differently if you were wanting to stay completely in feminine energy communication.

    But overall, I feel happy. I imagine if I was in your situation, I would feel quite happy with myself.



  317.  #317BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    #244 Rosa

    All the very best to you today, sending good vibes across the Sydney airwaves and praying you get only good news.

    xxx



  318.  #318Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    MeeMee: I meant to say…

    I feel aware of a few phrases that could have been expressed differently if you were wanting to stay completely in feminine energy communication.

    If you want, we could play around and tweak those for learning purposes. I find that to be kinda fun.

    But, overall I feel so relieved and happy with how it went. How do you feel???

    I feel impatient to know. 🙂



  319.  #319Ella on October 26, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Brenda:

    “… A lot of men lack maturity and experience in relating to women. A dog smells meat and thinks, “EAT!” A man who hasn’t developed his relational skills sees a woman and thinks, “F*UCK!”

    I met a guy like this once. REALLY – Exactly like that… I felt shocked, disgusted and kinda attracted too – in an animal way… I had to leave!



  320.  #320BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    #232 Renee

    I don’t see anything wrong with you wanting a man with a high income when you make one yourself.

    It’s just another preference and we all have them whether it be height or looks or whatever, it is our own personal choice.

    Have you heard from Blondie lately?

    I hear you about the sex thing too, there is noooo way I am going down that path early on in a relationship, its too risky because once I am in I a IN, hook, line and sinker. And while I don’t think I could wait until marriage (what if he had bedroom problems eeekk!!) I will wait until I am in an “Exclusive Committed Relationship” a la RR. Just have to get my mojo back and get out there again….



  321.  #321janjune on October 26, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    i wanted to post this last night but got too sleepy.

    I have a first meeting rotation!!!

    7 of them are working their way to me, backing off, im leaning back, they’re reappearing, moving back again, im leaning back….. now, we’re in the okay, where and when to meet stage.
    we’ll see if they actually show up for me.
    it doesn’t matter.
    i’m practicing.

    rori knows what she’s talking about though!!

    i almost got hung up on a badboy already though.
    hothothotcahchachacha yumyum.
    LOL
    ogawd, i still feel it for bad boys.
    but im choosing to make a different choice and i know i can.
    because i just feel so ….
    i don’t know the word yet …
    with the men who are caring about *me*.
    it feels so good.
    i feel their warmth.
    i feel them caring about me when i tell them i don’t feel safe to do this or that and i don’t want to do this or that.
    they actually seem quite pleased! 🙂

    i feel a tie, conneciton whatever with the badboy though that im processing, working my way through.
    it feels like the same type vibe between us as i had with my husband. it felt strange to feel so connected to a man i haven’t even met in person yet, but then i realized why.

    he was setting the rules for our meeting. where when how.
    “take it the way i give it or im not interested” type attitude.
    he said i had to meet him halfway between where we live.

    i told him i don’t want to drive to meet men. then told him about how *i* do online dating so i feel safe.

    he changed direction and told me he would drive to my area, but told me where we were meeting and what we were going to do but not in a planning type of way, more as a *i said this is what were doing* type of way.

    so i wrote him again and said
    “i feel ready to spend time with a man who is going to treat me very, very well, but no one else.” and more, i can’t remember what, but ended by saying if he thinks he isn’t interested in being with a woman who feels this way, it wouldn’t make sense to me for us to meet.
    i didn’t ask him what he thought because i really don’t need to know unless he wants to treat me well and help me feel safe and good about us meeting and ask me how he can help me do that so that i can feel relaxed and comfortable inhis presence knowing that he is looking out for us and i don’t have to worry about these types of things….
    yes, that is the kind of man i want

    this is so clarifying to write this out.



  322.  #322Lucy on October 26, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    I am waay behind on reading posts, but just want to say a couple things for now…

    TN man and I are back to being friends on facebook and — Weird City — his status is listed there as “single” but I know he has a girlfriend…. Huh????

    Rosa — A year and a half ago I had ovarian cancer, had both ovaries and uterus removed, and can’t take hormones because it could bring the cancer back. I was so scared I would lose my sexual responsiveness — and for a little while I Did — maybe partially because I felt so worried about it — but now I am back to being healthy and alive in that respect — certain foods and supplements have helped, as well as prayer and attitude…. so I hope you can feel encouraged in the midst of your difficulty… Prayers and love and hugs to you! <3
    Lucy



  323.  #323BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    Once I am IN as in having sex with a man I am IN, hook, line and sinker…

    typo



  324.  #324Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    I have another question for those of you who are interested in this…

    Money! What does it mean to you energetically/spiritually?



  325.  #325Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Re:315&317
    Laughing Goddess,
    Thanks. I feel happy and relieved. I was worried thinking that I might not be able to stick to my boundaries if he behaves or says something unexpected. In the beginning I was feeling defensive and I almost wanted to shut down. I literally wanted to run away beacuse all the memories of him treating me bad and keeping me as a secret came rushing in. Then I started telling myself about the boundaries. Those boundaries helped me keep my memories and feeling somewhat in control.

    Now I feel relieved. I feel good that I am not overjoyed because he apologized. I am happy that I am still feeling sane after talking to this man who has been extremely toxic to me.

    Thanks a lot. But I would like to hear more about feminine energy in communicaion. I know nothing much about it. Which are the parts you think I could have expressed better? I genuinely want to know.

    Hugs
    Meemee



  326.  #326BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    #321 Me too Lucy, nice to see you back 🙂



  327.  #327janjune on October 26, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    …ogawd, i *have* to get off this blog ! 🙂

    but just realized i Just Started my Short List!
    and wanted to record

    1. he has to actively make preparation for us, be engaged, doing, enjoying his “job” of prepare a place for us to meet, of his choosing, that he feels he would like to present to me as an interpretation of what he feels inside about us meeting…
    oh yes, this feel right and good to me!!

    I don’t know whether this is bullet point two on my Short List or just a continuation of #1, but…
    and enjoy his job of being the one who prepares the element of safety in our physical world….
    i feel this will speak to the way he also feels about the enjoyment he gets or doesn’t get about accepting the same job in our emotional world.

    oooh, this feels very right in my heart and spirit.

    bye!



  328.  #328Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    MeeMee:

    As I understand feminine energy communication, it’s about expressing our feelings, sharing passion stories, and listening at level two.

    Some possible tweaks…

    me: health is bad, job is worse, writing is worst, fellowship is happening.

    *writing about how you feel about these areas of your life

    me: a joyful night to you. i am happy that you know it.

    *making this more about you and not about him. Expressing something you feel joyful about. Maybe your new grant?



  329.  #329Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 2:30 pm

    Mee Mee: I feel unable to copy and paste on my phone right now and rushed to get to a meeting.

    I feel open to exploring this further later.

    I still feel happy and proud of you. 🙂



  330.  #330BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    #324 Meemee

    I am SOOO proud of you. Well done you Siren 😀

    I know how difficult this must have been for you and you were probably shaking in your shoes, but you did just fine. Baby steps………



  331.  #331janjune on October 26, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    here i am again…
    LOL

    just relized the shift from
    not wanting an ax mruderer, child molester to

    what I want.

    cuz it’s not about what they are or aren’t.
    or money or education or fat or skinny or bald or cute or that stuff.
    it’s about me
    and how they make me feel
    and having the kind of relationship with a man that i want to have. that’s healthy and safe and exciting and enjoyable for both of us for a long, long time.

    i really am going now… 🙂
    bye!



  332.  #332BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Amy F.

    Can’t find your post……

    Anyways what I do if get that OVERWHELMING urge to text or email is ask myself how will I feel if I get no reply or a curt one line reply?

    Worse than I do now or better?



  333.  #333Daria on October 26, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Janjune –

    ohhhh i really like this!!!

    1. he has to actively make preparation for us, be engaged, doing, enjoying his “job” of prepare a place for us to meet, of his choosing, that he feels he would like to present to me as an interpretation of what he feels inside about us meeting…

    and enjoy his job of being the one who prepares the element of safety in our physical world….
    i feel this will speak to the way he also feels about the enjoyment he gets or doesn’t get about accepting the same job in our emotional world

    OHHH i really feel open and flying reading this!! thank you…. another babystep for me to look at dating

    thank you1



  334.  #334Daria on October 26, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Meemee- you did AMZING! AMAZING wow!!!

    thats pretty much AMAZING!!

    and for the tiny tweaks, I agree with lg on the joyous q, and the wishing him stuff, thats the only parts i felt my heart clench a lil bit

    but the rest ! wow!!

    and what he was saying!!! yes!!! exactly – men treat women badly when they don’t have it together themselves… and they will often tell us that!!!

    the man i dated that threw me against the car and then started dating my friend TOLD me this too! many a time… and he was resistant to treating me well … he said i cannot take care of you, i can’t even take care of myself!!!

    wow!!

    I praise you!!!

    EXCELLENT use of boundaries and energy to communicate…

    and NON-blaming too!!

    you are AMAZING!!!



  335.  #335Daria on October 26, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Ella – about men – yes, they flame out, thats part of it…

    Rori says men are like a river, they come and go…

    they’re not really supposed to Stick.

    only ONE will stick. hehe. totally up to him

    and no, don’t push the boring guys away… instead use them to practice opening up, OUTGIRLING them, Appreciating Something about them, etc etc… get CURIOUS about Who they are!

    Get comfortable with embracing guilt.

    saying.. ohh that feels weird (when you catch yourself judgeing them as insecure)…

    and… im not really feeling attracted

    im not feeling turned on

    etc etc.

    This is AMAZING practice!

    Rori says don’t ever push a man away ie dump him unless he’s scaring you…

    when you’ve received his message he will fade away on his own?

    so what are some messages (they have to feel good to be the true message) with the CD’s that have temporarily floated away now?

    PS – new CD batches can come in full force, sometimes there’s periods of no men, then overwhelming amounts of them, etc



  336.  #336Daria on October 26, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    LG – Money!!! yes!!!

    i am intending to learn and own this energy too!!

    meaning i must be it huh

    so far i see leaves of trees, thin leaves of trees with smeared green juice on them

    jewel like metals

    and cosmic meteor showers waterfalls- as stock symbols electronic money



  337.  #337Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Hi, I’m having a late coffee break and reading on the blog instead of having a slice of pie. It’s much sweeter here. 😀

    And…I didn’t get all my work done…some of it. Oh, well, always tomorrow and late tomorrow.

    There are A LOT of posts added! I hope there is good news.

    Am I becoming addicted to this site?

    SLV



  338.  #338Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Re:327
    LG,
    Okay. I am slowly understanding it. Yes, I would like to know more about it and would like to talk about it too.
    Hugs
    Meemee



  339.  #339Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 3:07 pm

    RE:329
    BarbinOz
    Thank you. I was literally shivering while talking to him. I lit 3 cigarrettes to get rid of the nervousness. It was all new. Usually I complain and get angry then I feel bad and behave nice. This is the first time I stood up for myself and talked with some degree of clarity.
    At one point I was tempted to tell him “Man, its over. Let us talk and get done with it.”. Then I remembered what I read about closure.
    I am feeling happy about the support I get from all of you.

    Love
    Meemee



  340.  #340Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    hmm i feel triggered

    i feel fear and anger and SADNESS

    i have felt the unfreedom of living under the law of the place here

    and i have felt unfreedoms elsewhere too

    i feel judgemental of people enlisting to be soldiers – it seems like spiritual blindness to me –
    and i don’t want to feel that way

    so i’ve opened up and went on a date with a man

    i feel sad and awful when he told me he fuels planes and they go on air strikes and kill people

    i know my Grandfather worked to sell oil to american army, and then his house was bombed and burned to the ground by that american army

    ahh

    i feel frightened and rageful at almost all form of control-government

    i see people i see life

    i see the native people, i see the kidnapped people, i see the blind people,

    the constitution is good on one thing: life liberty and happiness

    i see worlds without borders yum

    ive seen my warrior men captured and stuffed in houses of cages called prisons

    i see the blindness of the warriors, ever pressed on their freedom by the controling-law

    like the roman-guard snatching up je*sus for doing his thing, with his homies, and being good at it… and getting snitched on, and knowing you’re gonna be snitched on, but really what’s a man to do? run? naw

    i see freedom and SIGHT wisdom and happiness for all humans

    i feel in the throws of transformation



  341.  #341Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Narcotics the powerful gift to the spirit

    poisoned!

    and a lot of pain, a lot of healing coming now

    young ones touch the poisoned magic, grow accostumed to it… we know not to use it

    the old people showed us that, with their zombified suffering, staggering in the streets

    they abandoned us, and still they feed us with the jewels they gather in the zombie ways

    they give us all their resources, we give them the poison they require to keep the parasite alive

    the parasite must be starved from within

    the old people are old now, they have battled a battle they were losing for so long… they were brave too

    and we learn from our elders



  342.  #342Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    How could we say, I feel ridiculed..in a now blaming feeling message/compassionate expression?

    any one ?



  343.  #343Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    our healing heals the shadow people too! they will see the fire inside themselves… they can breathe in the golden light … their fear will clear like smoke

    and we will all live, one world one wave one love



  344.  #344Luzy on October 26, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I need to hide from men I can’t do CD right now it is too overwhelming and I am still feel awkward from my past dating experience. I will try it once I feel better, Now I am having issues with men and the only thing CD will do is make things worst.

    The truth is that I don’t know if I want a man in my life (well this is how I feel now). I let my guard down and every time I do I get disappointed. I need to hide in my shell again ASAP!



  345.  #345Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    ahem,… non blaming message ?



  346.  #346Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    Nikita – i feel horrible, im feeling afraid and sad… i feel like i must protect myself



  347.  #347Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Daria
    thanks.thanks. thanks.
    I feel happier and good listening to you. thanks. I hope I will get better with practice.
    I now see what you and LG mean by little tweaks. But can you help me with an example to understand it better?
    Meemee



  348.  #348tinque on October 26, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Nikita – I can’t think of anything but, “that feels bad.” or “ouch”.
    xxoo



  349.  #349Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Feminine show in 3’s the three faces of goddess, the bloody triangle, 432 hz music

    Male in fours the four directions

    together joined make up 7 the week now



  350.  #350Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Meemee – my tweaks

    X: what is happening on the health, job and writing and finally the fellowship front?

    me: health is bad, job is worse, writing is worst, fellowship is happening.

    TWEAK: ive been feeling not so good health wise, and i feel drained at the job and writing… i feel really pleased with myself and the fellowship though

    X: did i again do something wrong?

    me: meaning?

    X: you didnt answer any of my questions

    Me: Oh. I answered all.

    X: oh then why did it not come. i guess i lost my connection for a moment

    (My status message on the chat was “After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!” After a long pause X said)

    X: LOL!i liked your status msg

    me: thank you

    X: can you say something with a little more joy, although i know it is difficult

    me: here or on the status message?

    He: here right now to me

    me: a joyful night to you. i am happy that you know it.
    TWEAK: mm… i don’t know.. i feel joyful that {anything} I will soon be working somewhere lovely dong things that interest me

    x: ya i know it is difficult

    me: I am not feeling good about it.

    X: i will try and make amends. it was that i tried talking to you quite a few times. but you gave me your murderous looks and i got scared.

    me: I am feeling judged.

    X: no, it is only that i was scared. i am not judging

    me: I don’t remember giving you murderous looks. We hardly saw each other.

    X: well, not murderous looks, but non-looks. i mean i tried standing in front of you and you decided i was not worth your time. so i just gave up

    me: I was standing in front of you for months. I felt the same. So I gave up.

    X: i got so mad with everyone due to my overworked state that i was slightly off

    me: okay.I see your point. but I think my point is not that.

    X: then, what is the point?

    Me:I feel tired of chasing you. I feel weird doing all the rowing to keep the boat going. I feel exhausted trying make myself seen, heard, kissed, hugged and touched
    I am feeling tired of doing all the work. I am a woman, and I like it when I am treated like one.

    X: but baby, that is merely because i am confused, angst ridden, off balance and generally hatred filled. i will be better when i can be more in control of life.

    Me: I do not feel pretty, I do not feel sexy and I do not feel romanced. And I am not liking it.

    X: but baby. let me get my act right and i will be better

    me: meaning?

    X: meaning i just need to feel a little less harassed, not with you but with the rest of the world and then i will be better. i guess i need a serious brake

    me: Okay. Now I understand what you say. If you feel you need one, you should go for it.

    X: i should go alright. but who will let me go? with a bloodhound for my boss

    me: Good to know that you will be better when you will be in control. I hope that it will happen and you will feel less harrassed and more joyful.And I really wish people will let you go and do your stuff the way you wish

    X: hmmm
    i hope so too
    you need to get healthy
    i need to get sane

    Me: yeah
    But, I think I can not wait feeling unworthy and unromanced till things get better.

    X: well i will do something as soon as i come back
    until then please forgive me

    me: You have all the time of the world. You have all the space of the universe.
    But I must make myself feel good and happy.
    I think that is the right thing to do.
    Just as much as I am concerned about your mental space and things getting better for you, so much I am concerned about myself- me feeling good, feeling healthy, pretty, loved and romanced, cared for etc

    X: yes baby i fully understand
    i only feel very lost

    me: Researcher to researcher you have my sympathies. as a PhD student, I understand you completely
    As an equally burdened worker, I can not agree with you more
    But when it comes to the boat both of us are in, I felt I should stop rowing this.
    Not because the rowing is tough, I am fully drained of doing all the work alone.
    It feels unlike a woman

    X: i see that sweetie. i see that
    i feel bad about that
    but i also feel so helpless sometimes
    i will go now. so here is a hug sweetie to make up for all the bad behaviour
    and a kiss to ooze the blood in your lips

    me: thank you

    X: i thought i deserved a little better. dont i? after my penance

    me: yes, you deserve good and better. So do I.

    X: hey sorry. can you send the last few lines you imsed?

    me: which?

    X: after what i said last

    me: thank you
    yes, you deserve good and better. So do I.

    X: thats all?
    ok. now i will sleep.

    Me: Okay

    X: Good night

    Me: to you too
    TWEAK: thank you

    i only made 3 tweaks in there…

    some other minor details are places when you seemed to Explain — but it worked out well!



  351.  #351Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    3 is my fave number 🙂



  352.  #352Meemee on October 26, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    Daria,
    Right. I get it.
    Thanks a million.
    Meemee



  353.  #353Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 3:34 pm

    @310: jacqueline says:

    “…I also run background checks on any man I get involved seriously with – as in if they are not willing to give me their social and agree to it within say 3 months….I’m done…”

    If you are still online could you give me some help in coming up with scripts for this. Or anyone else who can give some help in learning more about guys, especially those met online, or any stranger really.

    Is there any balking with giving this info? Would a guy be fearful that I might be a “scammer” who is trying to steal his ID, etc?

    SLV



  354.  #354Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    311: Ella says:
    SLV – re 157

    “Major triggers not because I have felt repulsed by anyone I have kissed, usually pleasantly suprised. But because some of the guys I’ve kissed know each other!”

    My sticking point is “repulsion.” That’s not the right word, I mean I probably would not want to kiss every guy on first date. “repulsion” is not right word, maybe can think of another later.

    I probably would not mind if they knew each other. 😆 But I wouldn’t do it in front of each other…well, depending on the kind of kissing. There is kissing…and there is… kissing… 😀

    And I warm slowly and don’t plan to do a lot of deep kissing for the saking of doing it or just because a guy wants it. And who knows, maybe I will or perhaps no one will want to kiss me anyway. SLV DISCLAIMER HERE: this statement is NOT to be construed that I have low self esteem. 😆 I’m just making my way through the dating maze…

    So for the time being, I take the suggestion to keep an open mind about having a kissing relationship with more than guy, if it is offered.

    SLV



  355.  #355Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    SLV – i would NOT do it. It would feel weird to me and I don’t want to feel mistrustful of a man.

    and i don’t think Jaqueline who does it, means she does it before actually meeting them… i think she means once they start seeing each other regularly she asks them to run a background check on them

    Although, the truth is, you can have anything you want from a man… and if background checks before meeting are important to you… that can be negotiated as well

    my intuition and usually first meeting in a public place is enough for me to feel safe



  356.  #356Daria on October 26, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    SLV – i refute that thought and proclaim that they Will want to kiss you…

    saying “i don’t have low self esteem” is like saying to a man “i have boundaries!”… or “i am hard to get”

    it feels a bit weird to read, because the proof is in the pudding … it shows
    ***

    oh yeah, Rori says we let each man kiss us, and practice opening up during the kiss… and staying out of our heads

    and she says we DON’T have to kiss a man we feel Repulsed by

    but yes, to the ones we feel bored by, or even, yum, excited about



  357.  #357Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    @320: janjune says:

    “…so i wrote him again and said
    “i feel ready to spend time with a man who is going to treat me very, very well, but no one else.” and more, i can’t remember what, but ended by saying if he thinks he isn’t interested in being with a woman who feels this way, it wouldn’t make sense to me for us to meet.
    i didn’t ask him what he thought because i really don’t need to know unless he wants to treat me well and help me feel safe and good about us meeting and ask me how he can help me do that so that i can feel relaxed and comfortable inhis presence knowing that he is looking out for us and i don’t have to worry about these types of things….
    yes, that is the kind of man i want
    this is so clarifying to write this out.

    Wow! That’s clarifying for me too. I’m keeping note of these words. Thank you. These words resonate.

    I’m learning so much here.

    SLV



  358.  #358Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    Nikita:

    I’m noticing that when I’m sharing about a topic I feel passionate about, I feel excited to hear another’s perspective but shut down when I think I have to defend my perspective.

    I want to share ideas in a fun and playful manner. It feels to much better to be with you in that way rather than debate about topics.

    What do you think?

    🙂



  359.  #359Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    @355: Daria says:

    SLV – i refute that thought and proclaim that they Will want to kiss you…

    Thanks, Daria. I think so too…hope it’s the right ones. But maybe not all and I probably don’t want to kiss all either…just exploring the possibilities.

    I’ve seen some “old guys” who look like they don’t have lips… 😆

    “…saying “i don’t have low self esteem” is like saying to a man “i have boundaries!”… or “i am hard to get” …”

    I wouldn’t say that to a guy!

    That’s just a “disclaimer” here for the Rori blog. I’ve found we sirens–I’ve given myself siren status–are very loving and protective of each other and I don’t want anyone to think that I’m pining and sad because I deeply believe nobody would want to kiss me. I’m just exploring the possibilities for different first dates scenarios.

    SLV



  360.  #360jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Hey, all….yes Daria you’re right – I do it when I become serious enough about them to say, let them stay in my house while I went shopping? Access to my personal id stuff, etc.

    SLV – I was always really honest – “I feel nervous about online dating because of all the stuff I’ve read. I have to tell my girlfriend where and who I’m going to meet. What’s your real name?”

    They usually took it well – and I did do that.

    My process was like two intro emails, two discovering if we had mutual interests etc. emails, phone call once or twice and a meeting….and usually by then they would have mentioned what part of town they lived in or worked in. Or I’d ask – for men, what do you do is pretty standard, not intrusive. Especially since I would mention what I did asap – I felt like anyone knowing where I worked was no big deal because anyone walking in the door with bad intentions would know it anyway. So I was totally willing to say where I worked, and then it was reasonable to expect them to do the same.

    And I wouldn’t meet someone who wouldn’t tell me their name – and if you do it in a sincere way, like I have people who care for me and want me to let them know this info, they’re good.

    But your instincts are good – you can’t like demand it or they will think you’re a scammer or something. And, like Daria, I trusted my instincts too – but I was also weirded out enough to actually call my friend and tell her the info esp. if it were night or the weekend….during the work week, well they’d know it at work – and the guy’s name would be on my calendar…if I didn’t show up after lunch. Smile.

    A trickier one was when they wanted to come pick me up for lunch, and I didn’t want to ride with a stranger – I did it once with this lawyer guy…but it was so stressful, I learned to be honest about that too…

    “I feel funny cuz I’m sure you are the best man out there – but I do follow the “rules” in on line dating – so I want to take my car to meet you there.”

    It wasn’t a big issue – ha! unless I looked them up and there was a woman on their house deed. That happened maybe twice? And the one guy was SO offended….well, umm, wonder what the woman would have been?

    I do make an effort NOT to date, find or attract married men. Lesson learned – they may leave their wife, but it doesn’t end well – IMO and IM sister’s 10 year long opinion never wavered. LOL….

    and, usually? they were calling me as soon as we parted to tell me they had a good time. Those were the good ones!!

    Good luck!

    Jacqueline



  361.  #361jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    PS – even my own boyfriend tho selectively kept his mouth shut about some things. Men will quickly judge you or size you up as to who they have to be to attract you and will play to that. So, when you make it clear you expect a job, car, house – they’ll twist it. Like riddles with a genie?? So, it was a job you’ve had over 6 months, a decent car, and a home you live in alone….I didn’t spell all that out, but I did make sure of it the best I could. Men are really good at giving you what you want – while they are figuring out if YOU are what they want. And in a way, making all this very clear also made me vulnerable to that, but better than just the unknown. IMO.



  362.  #362jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Heee…..I always said I was high maintenance, but since being here I’ve learned I merely present a high degree of difficulty. They love that!



  363.  #363rosa on October 26, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Meemee- Great post and great IM conversation.
    It struck me he was very girl energy , all leaning back and waiting for you to mother him or GIVE , lean forward , to run after him, reassure, forgive, understand,etc. Not one bit of man-ooomph about his comments .I would be very very careful as he is trying to get you to pick up the oars again . I feel confident in your strength .

    Maybe one tweak would be to show some joy , as he suggested , but joy that YOU have moved on , not that he has come back moaning and bitching! (Seems to be what he was after , a great big welcome home!) So maybe ..”I do feel unwell today and the week feels stressful so far but I also feel curious about all the good things happening now. I feel so free to enjoy more these days and I feel excited by all the great stuff I am doing ! ”

    Your vibe was strong and feminine , like a magnet , just lean back and CD madly. I suspect he will keep pressing towards you but then stop -and wait -for old patterns ,you to chase him or let him have secret no responsibility sex. His ego must be black and blue! You dont need a weak guy like this , you are so smart and gorgeous! If you lean back as well as you are doing you will soon see how far forward he is capable of moving.

    I accepted a date with a radiologist this weekend. He knows my situation totally (inside and out 🙂 )



  364.  #364Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    LG,

    RE: #257 – You said, “I can remember this happening to me and feeling really flattered and turned on by it. I just gave it a little squeeze and then removed my hand and leaned back. But this is with someone I felt very attracted to.”

    Xactly! That’s what makes the difference. His level of sensitivity. If you are open, and he senses it, it’s a total turn-on. Otherwise it’s ewwwwww! That’s my central issue, is if a man is sensitive to me, if he can sense I am open to his moves.



  365.  #365Liz on October 26, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Hello everyone. I’ve been reading the blog for a while but I think this is the first time I’ve posted. Has anyone ever felt after a breakup that if they had slept with him things would be different? I feel this is probably just a defense mechanism and a desire for some…explanation, or maybe just a way to torture myself.

    We were very casually seeing each other for a couple months, he wasn’t putting a lot of effort in (neither was I, leaning back pretty well), and the last couple times we were together he wanted to have sex but knew I wasn’t ready (we did everything but). He also said something like “you’re making me feel good, you’re too nice to me, you have to make me work for it,” which to me felt like I definitely shouldn’t sleep with him that night. But he’s moved on to someone else now and I feel he maybe just wanted someone who was “easier.” But he knew I was close to being ready, so it wasn’t like it wasn’t going to happen soon.

    I’m not really surprised because this is someone who has a reputation of being a heartbreaker, hooking up and then pulling a disappearing act (which is why I didn’t sleep with him right away…I did want to have a sense for whether it meant anything to him), not really interested in dating, but he was acting differently with me for a while. He later told me that if we’d had sex it would have made ending things more difficult for him, which I have a hard time believing since he can just disappear on the other ones!

    I don’t know, I’m just a little confused I guess. Other people can tell me over and over that he’s a jerk and I’m better off without him, but I don’t feel that way. I somehow feel like he’s a good person. And although he does have issues that is somehow overshadowed by the sense of loss and the attraction for him. Like my logical brain is constantly arguing with my emotional brain. I don’t really know how to deal with the dissonance.



  366.  #366rosa on October 26, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Honey and Denise , yep its Life Force I am feeling kicking in alright , and after this surgery i am damn well going to get me the relationship i want!!!!

    I feel sad to hear of your cancer surgery Lucy but it feels great to hear honestly how sexual response is intact. Good for you. This is not something doctors ask about or discuss. How do dates react to the news ?

    Daria , thank you for your link and the suggestions re herbal/massage . I would not feel comfortable waiting for healing for several months due to the possibility of cancer spread . But I am now looking in to prill beads . Wow. I have the Secret of Life of Water Book already but didnt know about prill.



  367.  #367Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    @354: Daria says:

    “SLV – i would NOT do it. It would feel weird to me and I don’t want to feel mistrustful of a man.
    and i don’t think Jaqueline who does it, means she does it before actually meeting them… i think she means once they start seeing each other regularly she asks them to run a background check on them
    Although, the truth is, you can have anything you want from a man… and if background checks before meeting are important to you… that can be negotiated as well…”

    She said after 3 months? or so. I was wondering about that.

    “…my intuition and usually first meeting in a public place is enough for me to feel safe…

    That’s what I had in mind to do. I hadn’t thought about background checks before, or after really. But there would come a time after a few dates, don’t know how many…, when I might want to go someplace less public. Gee, don’t know, maybe just get into a car alone with a guy. Help me out here…where might I go alone with a guy? Or I might want to really, really know the guy is not a molester, murdered or other scary type guy.

    Maybe you can never know whether or not guy is serial killer,… shudder…I’m scaring myself now…

    SLV



  368.  #368Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 4:42 pm

    Nikita: I would try to communicate it in some way where you say “hey, I feel triggered when I get spoken to that way. I own my own trigger. I don’t want to fight with you. How can we solve this.”



  369.  #369Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Nikita: just stating it in a way that doesn’t make him wrong. Otherwise, be prepared for fillibuster 🙂



  370.  #370rosa on October 26, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    And Barb ,

    You are in Sydney too , and thanks for the support.
    It feels real because it has no other “stuff” attached. I did see your email addy last week but I now cant find it on the blog .

    Are you dating ? Do you use RSVP ? eHarmony?

    I decided to try speed dating breakfast but I cancelled due to the medical stuff.
    Has anyone done this sort of stuff?



  371.  #371Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    LG,

    i felt confused because my impulse was…i don’t remember debating with lg….huh?

    then i thought, oh this is about ridicule 🙂

    i like it-but it feels long to me….can it be said more succinctly?



  372.  #372Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    @359: jacqueline says:

    “…SLV – I was always really honest – ‘I feel nervous about online dating because of all the stuff I’ve read. I have to tell my girlfriend where and who I’m going to meet. What’s your real name?’
    They usually took it well – and I did do that…”

    Hi Jacqueline:

    Thanks so much. I truly appreciate this information. I had in mind that a really stand up guy would make things easy by knowing of a woman’s concern and give info and plans to add to the comfort. I’m realistic and know some won’t get it.

    I’m probably being paranoid but…after I get the guy’s name in email after I say yes to the meet, should I ask for ID when we meet? Does this sound really crass? How do I know he just didn’t give a fake name?

    I don’t know what to do, there must be some elegant way to verify? I think a really cool guy might show his Driver’s license but i guess that is too much to expect…or ask?

    Thanks for all, Jacqueline. You, too Daria.

    SLV



  373.  #373Daria on October 26, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    SLV – how do you know You won’t turn into a serial killer? jk! but really, intuition goes a long way for me …

    oh… and it’s not up to you to figure out where to go to feel safe… that’s his job… just keep letting him know how you feel…



  374.  #374Daria on October 26, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Senior Lady Vibe – i’ve asked for ID before! when they said something jokey that well… i dono… but i asked for it in a joking matter and insisted and got to see it and it was not a problem



  375.  #375Renee on October 26, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    So Blondie called today…he just wanted to let me know he was thinking of me and wanted to hear my voice. He said he still cares a lot for me and he can’t just turn those feelings off. And then he asked about staying in touch and whether it would be easier for me if he didn’t.

    At first we just chitchatted and I tried to sound like I was doing great “Oh, I made 2 sales this week and might go to the races Friday”, then he started with what I listed above and it just really hurt, because I realized he’s done viewing me as a goddess who’s worthy of being pursued. I know he says he has “feelings” for me, but not feelings of love like he did previously (when he told me he was falling in love with me) and I want him back so badly.

    I didn’t know what to say about staying in touch — it’s not like he was proposing a “friend with benefits” situation, more like an occasional phone call just to catch up. I know that’s accepting crumbs, but if I want to ever have a chance with him again, how do I tell him no? But if I tell him yes, does that really gain me anything other than reminding me of what a failure I am at relationships?

    After we got off the phone, I was driving (his call took me by surprise) and I just drove and cried and drove and cried. It all seems so hopeless.

    And the only men who’ve been in touch the past 2 days are the ones I don’t want to see — neither of the guys I was semi-interested in wrote me back, so apparently I screwed up there somehow too.

    I’m feeling like such a loser today…I made one sale this week and am writing a proposal for another client that will likely turn into a sale, but I can’t even really enjoy that because the reality of it being over with Blondie just smacked me upside the head today and it hurts really bad.



  376.  #376tinque on October 26, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    All of this talk about running a background check feels really bad. I would never want to feel that suspicious of anyone, and I would hope, no make that I would just know, meaning it wouldn’t even need to enter my consciousness, that that I would not attract anyone who “should” be background checked.
    Maybe I’m naive, but I’ve not been burned in that way at least.
    xxoo



  377.  #377Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    @364: Liz says:

    “… I somehow feel like he’s a good person. And although he does have issues that is somehow overshadowed by the sense of loss and the attraction for him. Like my logical brain is constantly arguing with my emotional brain. I don’t really know how to deal with the dissonance….”

    That’s the awful “magic” of the chemical love/sex hormone attraction. Exasperating, isn’t it?

    SLV



  378.  #378Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:15 pm

    @372: Daria says:

    “SLV – how do you know You won’t turn into a serial killer? jk! “

    Tee hee With some of these guys out there…I just might. 😆

    SLV



  379.  #379Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Nikita,

    Let me give a try at your feeling message on ridicule.

    Eww, that feels bad! I would feel so good to be encouraged. How can we solve this?

    Oh, I don’t like that at all! I feel motivated when I am built up. What do you think?



  380.  #380Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    @373: Daria says:

    “Senior Lady Vibe – i’ve asked for ID before! when they said something jokey that well… i dono… but i asked for it in a joking matter and insisted and got to see it and it was not a problem…”,/i>

    Cool! Then I’m doing it too!

    I wonder if they’ll ask to see mine.

    SLV



  381.  #381Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Hey Sexy!

    Yeah, you…Senior Lady Vibe! I see you really blossoming! You’re getting fiestier and more mischievous by the day! 🙂



  382.  #382Lucy on October 26, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    I agree, Tinque. When I first started online dating, I felt afraid of danger . . . but I very quickly learned to trust my intuition, and it has served me very well.

    I even surprised myself by letting WH drive me to the beach a couple hours away on our first meeting . . . I just KNEW I could trust him.

    When it comes right down to it, intuition is pretty much all we have anyway — take STD’s for example — a guy can show you his clean test results from last week, but he could’ve picked up a disease a day later.

    I say trust your gut, and trust God.



  383.  #383Lucy on October 26, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    I agree with Brenda — I’m really enjoying you, SLV! 😀



  384.  #384Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    OH SH*T!!!!!!!

    slinks away…. Oh, no! Another bracket typo. I’ve been so careful…

    Tears

    SLV



  385.  #385Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Whew! We are not in “Italics land” again.

    SLV back to the blog.



  386.  #386Lucy on October 26, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Nikita, my response to feeling ridiculed is usually:

    “Hey!” With a pouty face. A really cute, sweet, lovable pouty face.



  387.  #387Denise on October 26, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Ladies, knowledge is power.

    I say if you meet online, be prepared for finding lies. You are not being introduced by mutual acquaintances. This person does not come with references. Arm yourself accordingly!

    I have relied upon the internet for more sleuthing I care to admit. Most people won’t lie about their names. But they will lie about marital status, and other vital points. Legal records are available. I think I have mentioned I have uncovered a few scams in the past. Keep your eyes open.



  388.  #388Denise on October 26, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    Rosa, it is so good to read you are ready to focus on a positive outcome for the near future!

    Somehow I think this is a vital key- knowing there are big plans out there, waiting for us!



  389.  #389Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Hey Brenda,

    How are you doing? Guess what? I’m going another round with MY student loan. It’s like selling your soul to the devil… :lol But at least I are ejamikated.

    On the garnishment front, even if it goes through, they can’t take ALL of your pay in one big lump. Although they can get 10-15% of monthly income in payments.

    To ease your mind, see if you can find some extra income source that will give you 18-20% of your current pay and will not be available to “student loan Satan.” Ebay, something online. etc. GIving lessons, tutoring for cash.

    SLV



  390.  #390Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    @382: Lucy says:

    “I agree with Brenda — I’m really enjoying you, SLV! ”

    Thanks, and I, you and Denise and tinque and everybody here… don’t know who else is on now. Daria and Jacqueline still here? Hey.

    Such a sweet sisterhood.

    SLV



  391.  #391Denise on October 26, 2010 at 5:39 pm

    Hey Renee, I do not think you screwed up at all! Just the opposite.

    Not so good driving and crying; the tears get in the way of directions. Better than drinking and driving, tho’!

    How considerate (!) of Blondie to ask about calling. But we know, they will do what they want. He may come back, he may not. It is open ended. If his calls really upset you, or you expect that at that time he rings it may, you do not have to answer. You can call the shots on that one. What do you think?

    It’s tough when you cannot focus on your work. IS there anything you can do to improve that?



  392.  #392Denise on October 26, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Ahhh, SLV sweet sisterhood indeed! You do not know the impact that just made on me. Big, big smiles.
    : D



  393.  #393Denise on October 26, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    SLV, in the ID/ DL department, two comments I have used to get access, are:

    1. “I can’t believe you are that age! No way. Let me see your DL. ”

    2. “I have the world’s worst DL picture”. Then you whip yours out, and share. Ask for theirs in return.

    Works like a charm!



  394.  #394Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Going to take a break now…may be back later…

    yeah, must be addicted. Can be addicted to a guy too, but… at least I don’t smoke anymore so this lets me know change of habit is very possible.

    SLV



  395.  #395Denise on October 26, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    Hey SLV, Not sure if you remember I mentioned, my dad is starting to date again after being widowed recently. I am glad for him, being alone when you are an elder is no good. I bet he is way older than you. I am sure he has fears about kissing and all that stuff too, but we share a bit about it, talk about comfort levels. I can see you getting braver and prepared for the debut!



  396.  #396Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    @392: Denise says:

    SLV, in the ID/ DL department, two comments I have used to get access, are:
    1. “I can’t believe you are that age! No way. Let me see your DL. ”

    [you look so-o-o-o-o-o much older… 😆 ]

    2. “I have the world’s worst DL picture”. Then you whip yours out, and share. Ask for theirs in return.
    Works like a charm!

    Good tactics.

    SLV



  397.  #397Denise on October 26, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Yes, sneaky tactics work everytime. Just my many moons experience in dating in the big sunny city of scammers!

    Have a good nite, Slv et al.



  398.  #398Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    @394 Denise

    Good for your Dad! Has he tried online dating sites? Good experiences?

    I’m not in a big hurry, I’ll get there.

    SLV



  399.  #399Honey on October 26, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Ella #314 –

    Sorry that made you feel bad. When I said “nothing nasty” it was more in the context of us being in a “semi-public place” (on the front porch of a victorian mansion turned into a restaurant), not that such action would be in and of itself “nasty”. Just wanted to be clear that we weren’t getting naked out there in public.



  400.  #400BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    #369 Rosa

    Yes I have profiles on POF and RSVP but have them both on hold due to the recent events in my life (see other thread).

    I haven’t tried speed dating (yet!!) but I have been to a few RSVP singles nights and so on a few years back……

    Hey maybe we could meet at an event if you are up for it.

    Sending MEGA waves of positivity and light your way today…………….



  401.  #401BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    #376 Renee

    So sorry you are feeling blue Renee 🙁

    I am at work (shock horror!!) see SLV this IS addictive!!

    Unfortunately I don’t have my laptop here but I have been copying and pasting like mad bits of the Sirens writings that resonate with me, soooo Renee it was something like this:

    “I’m sorry Blondie, but I don’t want to be just friends with you, I feel the attraction we have for each other and the way I feel about you will get in the way of me meeting the man I am meant to be with.”

    It was something like this but probably much better written. 🙂



  402.  #402BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    #369 Rosa

    I replied to you using a different email address, the post went into moderation and now has disappeared!! WHAT THE!!!!



  403.  #403Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Nikita: I can’t feel you buster, when u fillabuster 🙂

    yes, that message was for sweetie not you.

    Lemme try again.

    Sweetie, I don’t wanna debate with you. How bout when I share my ideas, you just say “that’s awesome babe!” and then we go have sex.



  404.  #404BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    I’m agreeing with Lucy and Brenda about SLV – such funny posts 😀

    Agreeing with Lucy too about trusting my intuition when meeting somebody, I haven’t met any mad axe murderers yet but I have met quite a few boring old farts LOL!!

    Good idea about the driving license thing Denise, very good, also look out for white skin on ring finger where wedding ring has been taken off 😀 Mine is nicely faded now and matches the rest of my hand colour LOL!!



  405.  #405Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    How bout…

    My yoni and I feel shut down when we argue.



  406.  #406Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 7:00 pm

    Ok, now I’m just being silly. Main thing is don’t make him wrong. Ask him for help. How can I not feel triggered when this happens? It’s a little indirect but I find that strategy seems to work with my ram.

    How’s that feel? Have you guys talked yet?



  407.  #407BarbinOz on October 26, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    Rosa just wanted to say that I hope today goes well. Sending you good vibes and white healing light across to you. x



  408.  #408Renee on October 26, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    Denise & Barb — Thank you for your kind thoughts.

    I just feel so awful and rejected today. I finally heard from the one guy from eH, but he’s 6 freaking hours away and so far, my luck with long distance relationships hasn’t been that great (the last one that ended in July is what led me to this site in the first place, which is a bit of a mixed blessing, I guess.

    I feel like Blondie’s primary goal with his call was to assuage his guilty conscience for the way he jerked me around at the end and I feel like telling him he’ll need to find absolution elsewhere, but I suspect that’s not the way to win his heart back. Then again, it feels so hopeless right now, that maybe I should tell him to go eff himself.

    I just don’t know if I have the strength to tell someone I love that I don’t ever want to hear from him again. It just feels bad either way…basically, I don’t want to deal with this heartbreak — I just want to be in love again with the person who used to love me, but it’s not going to happen and that makes me cry.



  409.  #409Honey on October 26, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Barb: “…but I have met quite a few boring old farts” LOL!!

    Lg: “My yoni and I feel shut down when we argue.”

    I’m laughing so hard at these statements I’m scared my kids are going to come in here and ask what I’m laughing at!!!



  410.  #410Honey on October 26, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Renee –

    This really sucks about Blondie. He calls because he still cares, but what he has to offer is just not enough at this time.

    Can you move on if you still stay in touch with him?

    Didn’t he say something like you deserved someone better or something like that? Am I recalling that correctly? What was that about?



  411.  #411Honey on October 26, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    “My yoni and I feel shut down when we argue.”

    Read this again and started laughing again…

    I hope I get the chance to say this to someone some day!



  412.  #412Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    Nikita: awwww I feel sad hearing that you thought that message was for you. I feels lots of love and appreciation for you and our conversations. I always feel at ease with you. I feel remiss (?) for not prefacing that the message was in response to your request for help. I feel happy that you figured it out tho’.

    So, monkey man had his chart read and they told him he wasn’t a true Aries because his mars is in Pisces. I can see it. Upon first glance, it’s not obvious. He’s more mellow than most Aries I know. But then once he reveals his past, extreme skiing, surfing, firefighting, driving complicated ski truck thingamajigs, world traveler, adventurer, it becomes obvious. Oh ya, and the fillabuster things.

    I have a question for you tho’. He’s super into handling the food thing. He makes pretty much all of our meals. Every morning he makes fresh almond milk and lattes with cinnamon and coco sugar sprinkled on top. Is that an Aries thing?



  413.  #413Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Brenda: you said “Xactly! That’s what makes the difference. His level of sensitivity. If you are open, and he senses it, it’s a total turn-on. Otherwise it’s ewwwwww! That’s my central issue, is if a man is sensitive to me, if he can sense I am open to his moves.”

    I say: yum to men who can sense when we are open. I feel turned on just thinking about them. Yum!



  414.  #414Senior Lady Vibe on October 26, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    @399: BarbinOz says:

    “..I am at work (shock horror!!) see SLV this IS addictive!!…”

    Yes!

    “…I have been copying and pasting like mad bits of the Sirens writings that resonate with me…”

    Yes! Me too. Sometimes part of a sentence but the words are just right! Good words that ring the bell and make things clearer.

    At work? 😀 I hope you have a screen saver (or fake spreadsheet) that you click in a sec… 😆

    SLV



  415.  #415Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    Haha Honey! I’m glad you liked it. I would feel honored if you use it.

    It’s so true tho’. My yoni and I definitely feel shut down when my lover and I argue. Know what I mean? And it seems like it might get thru to them stated this way. I almost want to get in an argument just so I can try it out. 🙂



  416.  #416Honey on October 26, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    LG –

    LOLOLOLOLOL…



  417.  #417Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    Renee,

    I feel so sad about Blondie. Oh how I know the flame-out. We are enemies. F@#king flame out! I hate it. I am still struggling with this. Something Daria said really made sense to me about flame-out. Men come in and go out just like the tide. Only one is meant to stick.

    The men we date are meant to teach something – getting us ready for the real one, the one we are meant to be with. In this light, I will be much more careful about having sex – if I can be a rockstar and not get attached, I’ll go for it. Yet, I will most likely be more careful (boundaries) with an open heart, because I will only know if this man is the real one over time. I need to take my time – especially if there is crazy chemistry. I thought I was waiting for crazy chemistry, but now it is a real warning bell. It blinds me to what is real.

    I hope you take some time and get through the pain. I found sitting in a hot tub helps alot, as well as going to yoga.

    Be well.
    xoxo



  418.  #418Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    Meemee,

    Oh my goodness!! What a breakthrough. I am so happy for you. I hope you feel great and I feel great for you.
    You communicated how you felt and you did not want his crumbs any longer. So great!



  419.  #419Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 9:21 pm

    Barb,

    I would want to jump off a building if I sent an email and got no response or a distant response. I know it is better to let him come to me. I don’t think I really want him anyway, I just want to know what happened. Yet, I don’t really need to know what happened, so it’s all good. I just have weak moments where I miss the intensity and the witty banter we had together. I should hire a clown who tells jokes to fill the space!
    THANK YOU



  420.  #420jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Hey, all – SLV, the suggestions were great. No I don’t ask for ID cuz once I have their name and their part of town, I’m looking for them on the county tax rolls. smile…I never had anyone lie about their name. Unless they just wouldn’t give it – like 694u or some thing I’d never respond to. I actually went out with one very inhibited seeming guy who wanted to run for congress!! Men can be very interesting. But I totally like the id idea – and I do remember a few guys who just whuped theirs out – their ID”s, ladies!!! heeee heeeeee…..and if you read even 1/10th of the advice for online dating, this IS what is out there for how to do it safely. Nothing to do with mirrors, messages, or metaphysical attraction – just plain old common sense. Love what Denise said!!

    Mostly this is for Renee, I want so badly to comfort you and I can’t. What I honestly want to say – and Rori would be telling you “this is harsh” now – is the guy is F***Kng YOUR MIND!!!! He is an ass!!!! NO MAN calls for closure or breaks your heart and then calls to check on you- I’m sorry but they don’t. They call to mess you up and feed their ego – in a narcisstic kind of way. Yep, even the good ones.

    And the ONLY way to go with this is I cannot be friends with you now, the whole experience has ended so badly I need time to move on. NO CONTACT RULE – check baggagereclaim. Natalie has the BEST book – or read my excerpt of her commandments on my blog. NO CONTACT.

    IF he’s ever – even his little finger – gonna come back the only way it will happen is by total and complete radio silence on your part. And I for one hope he doesn’t. I want you to grieve and I am sad and sorry this happened. But you know I was suspicious of him from the start.

    PLEASE love yourself enough to at the very least give yourself time to heal before you peel the scab off – and before you let him peel it off often enough to make a scar!!!

    And I’m saying this with love and compassion, and sisterhood!! And good for you for the good things that did happen in your life without him. Nothing more than real love is good enough for you…so you will have it. This IS about attraction….smile…

    And Hi, Liz! Yep, I’ve had plenty of relationships that I thought would have been different if I’d of slept with them….but not that I thought would have turned out better. smile….and welcome.

    Goodnite to all….

    Jacqueline



  421.  #421Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Renee,

    I agree with Jacqueline – this is just not good enough for you. Radio silence. Oh it’s so hard, but you can do it. You are strong enough to get what you want and need, and again, this is just not good enough!

    Somebody should write a screenplay about the opposite of a “Stepford Wife”:
    -a man who calls and texts every day
    -who adores and cherishes
    -who is full of male energy and rows the boat
    -who takes out the trash and feeds the dog
    -who is a sexy beast

    How I would love to see that movie!



  422.  #422jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 9:47 pm

    Amy – am closing down the computer but checked back in…and I wanted to say hello to you! I’ve been seeing you here but not having as much time to talk. So, it’s just good to meet you and see you stay and hang around!! Hope you have a great time here!

    J



  423.  #423jacqueline on October 26, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    ps – my guy will literally get out of bed and go put the garbage can out if I remind him….sometimes stereotypes are so fun! …but I usually just do it myself. Feels good that he doesn’t want me to have to touch the trash tho…fun!



  424.  #424Nikita on October 26, 2010 at 10:00 pm

    LG,

    where’s his venus?
    I dated a mars in pisces, he was very artistic and mostly non-confrontational-until he was confrontational, lol- he was the silent type…..slow boil. another friend i had with that placement did fine oil painting (as a hobby) of flowers…by day he owned a bar and drove a harley 🙂
    so-dunno….. but the aries I know like to get up and go so it could just be his morning routine with a touch of spice.



  425.  #425Amy F. on October 26, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Jacqueline,

    Nice to meet you! I have loved reading about you, and reading your posts. I have learned so much!
    Happy Tuesday night!



  426.  #426Honey on October 26, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    Question – Just spoke with a new guy on the phone from eHarmony. He lives over an hour away, and we discussed meeting for lunch. He asked me if we could meet half way since it is far. I didn’t know what to say, and I need to get back to him on my schedule. Does the guy HAVE TO come to me? Is it un-sireny to meet half way?

    This guy is originally from Egypt, so cultural differences may be a concern.

    Hey, Renee – he’s also stinking wealthy. We were talking about politics, cuz it’s really important to me. In a discussion on taxes and social services, he said that he donates 1.5 million a year to a charitable trust so that he pays no taxes, then described the charities that he supports…he shared this in an attempt to make a case for his political position (which varies greatly from mine). So, yeah, Renee, there are plenty of guys with bucks out there, and they need love, too. I’ve dated lots of guys with money…just not quite this much. Money is nice but I don’t care how much he’s worth if I can’t have what I need emotionally, etc.



  427.  #427Laughing Goddess on October 26, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Nikita: his Venus is in Aries.

    Did u talk to sweetums?



  428.  #428Renee on October 26, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Honey — Oh, I agree that money’s not everything — I still want the full complement of physical attraction, compatibility, emotional and sexual generousity, sense of humor, etc….I just want to find it in a man who makes more than I do. I don’t even need him to be particularly wealthy (making 6 figures is not really THAT well off in today’s economy — especially if he has children from a previous marriage to support.

    I finally heard back from the other guy from Match that I was interested in…both he and the eH guy skipped a day before they replied to my last message, so I’m going to skip a day getting back with them. And both of these guys came on so strong at first…don’t know whether they’re just inundated with responses or what, but both are long distance (one 3 hrs and one 6 hrs), so who knows if they’re even worth messing with. I don’t want to paint all long distance relationships with a negative brush, but they really are more challenging from the get go, so these guys will really need to show they’re willing to step up before I take that on.



  429.  #429Renee on October 26, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    And btw, Honey — I always insist the guy come to me for the first date at least…I just tell him I’m kind of old-fashioned that way and that it would feel more comfortable if he came to my city for the first visit. Ideally, of course, they’ll be so addicted that they’ll want to keep coming to my city, but eventually I think you have to split the travel in a LD relationship or it’s just not going to work…don’t know if that’s “sireny” or not, but it’s the practical answer.



  430.  #430Brenda on October 26, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #388 – You said, “It’s like selling your soul to the devil… :lol But at least I are ejamikated.”

    LOLOL! Yeah, ain’t that the truth. Oh, by the way, you misspelled “ejabickated”. I are, two!

    Yes, they are threatening to take 15%. I can barely handle 40 hrs a week. I know I can’t handle more. Nobuddy ever learned me how to make more than 24 hours out of each day!



  431.  #431Lakshmi on October 26, 2010 at 11:24 pm

    I agree with Tinque that the idea of a background check feels kind of yucky to me. If it’s what you need to feel comfortable, then certainly go for it, but for me, being highly attuned to how I’m feeling and what the guy says (I was a reporter for a while and have a pretty good sense of when people are lying) is enough. I’ve been online dating for nearly 10 years, on and off, and I’ve never ended up with someone who lied to me. I have had several serious relationships through online dating, and my instincts have served me well. Maybe it depends a bit on where you are (what country, city, etc.). I live in the SF Bay Area, and online dating has been around forever here, and all my friends do it, and I’ve never felt discomfort around it. I’ve met doctors, and lawyers, and MBAs, and artists, and therapists … lots of wonderful, professional, amazing people. … I’m careful about meeting in public, and not letting them pick me up at first, but other than that, my instincts and common sense have served me well…



  432.  #432BarbinOz on October 27, 2010 at 2:29 am

    #406 Renee

    Sorry you are feeling so sad, but maybe Blondie was right, maybe just maybe he is not “good enough for you” – this whole lurve thing is so hard to deal with at times, no wonder we sometimes feel the need to go into our shells and lick our wounds 🙁



  433.  #433BarbinOz on October 27, 2010 at 2:34 am

    #407 Honey

    Well I just had to go and google yoni, I thought WTH are these crazy chicks on about LOL!!

    Well that was a shock to my system you are not talking Ameerikan you are talking Indian, and sometimes you girls talk about your nana and I thought you were talking about your grandmother ha ha!!



  434.  #434rosa on October 27, 2010 at 3:59 am

    Just watching my surgeons on prime time TV doing mastectomy and reconstruction surgery in reality hospital show …cant believe it ..have to have the same surgery by same docs in 2 -3 weeks time as it is low grade cancer, but expecting 100 percent cure.

    At the same time i am CD texting with my radiologist e-harmony man exchanging comments about the surgery on tv and the quality of the docs. We are planning a meet on the weekend for cocktails (I asked for a good stiff one before I realised what i had said).. HOW WEIRD IS LIFE!!!

    Mr “life force” is still in the wings somewhere ..oh dear .. I did NOT expect to be meeting men , flirting , dating on the eve of breast cancer surgery ..it makes them step up big time. Wow.



  435.  #435rosa on October 27, 2010 at 4:06 am

    Renee ,

    About Blondie.
    I understand you have worried about your depression causing the problems, but to me he looks like an unavailable man in an emotional sense . (I am an expert on them!) Have you looked at baggagereclaim.co.uk ? I got the link here and it helped me SO MUCH to see and understand what I had blamed myself for was a lot about him.



  436.  #436Meemee on October 27, 2010 at 4:49 am

    Renee,
    Sorry to hear that you are feeling sad. I am not exceptionally good with men or with fine judgments on men. But I somewhat agree with what Rosa says on emotionally unavailable men. These days I am more inclined to believe that there is such a category of men, they truly truly exists. No matter how many excuses I find for the lack of availability of a man, no matter how deeply I analyze myself to find reasons for the bleak situation I am in, an emotionally unavailable man is always an emotionally unavailable man. That might not mean they are good or bad. Let me not reduce it to good/bad question. But it hurts us so deeply and diminishes the fire in our souls.
    I know you are a strong woman and I feel confident in you that you will be able to manage the situation in an adorable way. Just want to assure you that I am with you. Do you think you can look at the situation as a reflection of what he actually is?
    Meemee



  437.  #437Renee on October 27, 2010 at 5:09 am

    Rosa — Please know you’re in my thoughts and prayers today. It sounds like you have an amazing attitude and I know that will make all the difference in your recovery.

    And thank you for your input regarding Blondie…you could be right, he could be “emotionally unavailable”, but he wasn’t the first 5 weeks we dated…he was one of the most emotionally open men I’ve known in eons, which was one of the things that really appealed to me.

    There were several times in that 5th week that he seemed on the verge of telling me that he loved me, as a matter of fact, but something changed and I guess I’ll just never know what it was. He’s sticking to the story about me meeting someone better who makes more money/travels less, but the undercurrent is “you’ll eventually meet someone who really loves you, and that person isn’t me”.

    I go through periods of acceptance and periods of denial…I’m sure, eventually, the periods of acceptance will dominate the majority of the time, it just didn’t help in that regard to hear him say he still had feelings for me, you know?

    Anyway…this too shall pass. Yesterday was just a hard day for me because of his call. I have been to baggagereclaim.co.uk and have found a lot of the posts there to be pretty helpful. I’ll check it out again, though, and see if anything resonates for me at this point.

    Thanks again for your kind thoughts.



  438.  #438LonePlum on October 27, 2010 at 6:24 am

    Rosa 432
    “expecting 100 percent cure.”

    Hurray! Hurray! Hundred thousand times hurray!
    Bravo for the news.

    It does call for a good stiff one
    lol
    😉



  439.  #439life_is_too_short_to... on October 27, 2010 at 6:24 am

    Tinque~ I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved companion. The grief we experience over losing a pet or a child is unlike any other. Here is something for you and K:

    http://rainbowsbridge.com/poem.htm

    be well…sending you warm hugs…..Litst



  440.  #440Meemee on October 27, 2010 at 6:41 am

    Rosa
    My prayers are with you. I cant stop adoring you for your wonderful and inspiring attitude.
    Love you
    Meemee



  441.  #441BarbinOz on October 27, 2010 at 6:44 am

    #432 Rosa

    So sorry to hear your news but so happy the news is that it is low grade cancer. The surgeons can do marvels these days, take care xxx



  442.  #442Senior Lady Vibe on October 27, 2010 at 7:55 am

    .
    , 26 October 2010 @ 7:03pm

    @406: Renee says:

    I just don’t know if I have the strength to tell someone I love that I don’t ever want to hear from him again. It just feels bad either way…basically, I don’t want to deal with this heartbreak — I just want to be in love again with the person who used to love me, but it’s not going to happen and that makes me cry.

    Maybe you’ve already said what needs to be said. I have added below some thoughts that might help. I like to read wise words from women “in the field”–that’s all of us, all women on the planet Earth. Well, EMK is not a woman but he’s helpful and the words I’ve included are not his but from a woman.

    First and foremost:

    1) Rori Raye: “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/marriage/dont-let-go-dont-resolve-forget-closure-and-stay-on-your-horse/#comments

    2) Terri Hernon MacDonald [I kinda swiped it but it’s for the cause] datingadvicealmostdaily dot wordpress dot com

    Do This When He Says He Doesn’t Want a Relationship
    In Uncategorized on October 13, 2010 at 3:57 pm

    You met him, you liked him, he seemed to really — really – like you, and all of a sudden he announces, “Look, just so you know, I’m not looking for a relationship.”

    This is hardly a problem if you’re not looking for a relationship. But if you do, try this:

    Tell the guy the truth, as in, “I’m really sorry to hear that because I really like you, and I enjoy being with you. But thank you for letting me know how you feel. I understand, and I respect you for being honest.”

    At this point, thank him for the evening and make an exit (whether you politely ask him to drive you home, take the subway, take a cab, whatever — think Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn and leave with dignity. Manage a little smile and go).

    He may ask you to stay. Say no thank you and stick to the plan.

    HERE’S WHAT WILL HAPPEN:

    You’ve told him you really like him, so you won’t have to worry that you didn’t put that across. And, instead of carrying on and trying to convince him that you belong together, you respected his feelings and let him go.

    You did not make a scene. You did not beg him to see things differently. You did not do some of the things he may have expected you to do.

    You probably surprised him.

    You also gave him (needed) space to see things clearly. It’s entirely possible that he will realize that you actually are the woman for him. Stay away and let him come to you. If he does, proceed with caution. Guard your heart. You’re not a yo-yo.

    It’s also entirely possible that the man will move on. You will not hear from him. If so, congratulate yourself for having the good fortune not to have wasted any more time on this individual. He was not for you, didn’t “get” you, and did not share your goals.

    Now you’re free to make yourself available to a man who does. Take heart. He’s out there.

    3) And last, but not least, from the blog of Evan Marc (dump his a*SS) Katz. Sorry about that EMK; I “get you.” The words below are NOT from EMK but from comments. See if they resonate. They are so right on, Yeah, NTBFOTP!

    from comments in blog of Evan Marc Katz — evanmarckatz dot com/blog
    BeenThruTheWars 3

    …This guy is keeping his options open and salving his conscience, nothing more.

    Now, if you are okay with accepting crumbs, then by all means, respond to his texts, see him next week, take his calls, sleep with him. But if you want a real relationship — whether with Mr. Amazing or someone even better, who is truly in love with you — then here is what you do:

    You are Nowhere To Be Found On The Planet for the next eight or so weeks. This guy has hurt you once, it’s very likely he will hurt you again as many times as you let him. He has told you “I don’t want you, I want someone else instead, but I don’t like being the bad guy so I’ll tell you I want to stay friends; plus if there isn’t anyone better out there, I might want to come back for a little while to remind myself why it was I didn’t want to stick around in the first place.

    Being NTBFOTP means NO contact. Zero. Of any kind. You might even want to change your outgoing messages on your voice mail so he doesn’t get a fix off your voice. He needs to feel your complete and total absence in his life for about two months if there is any chance at all of him saying “Hey! I made a terrible mistake, I want you back” and meaning it.

    During that two months, you don’t open emails or letters from him, you don’t answer your door if he happens to just show up out of the blue. You say “that’s nice” and change the subject if a mutual friend mentions him. You return anything he sends you unopened (unless it’s your stuff from his place). This guy has to camp out at the end of your driveway with tears rolling down before you will even think about seeing him again.

    Meanwhile, get out there and meet new men, date others, take up a new hobby, call up your girlfriends or family members and spend time together, go to a spa, the gym, trick-or-treating, whatever it takes to get your life back so it feels like 100% YOURS again.

    And you can kind of keep it in the back of your mind that Mr. Amazing might still be out there, missing you… or he might not.

    I experienced my own version of Mr. Amazing a few years ago. We’d only dated for two months when told me (on a date, of course) that the girl he REALLY wanted a relationship with had just broken up with her boyfriend and become available so he wanted to pursue that instead; but gee, I was a really great person, and would i like to keep seeing him clandestinely?

    In other words, here he was breaking up with me — hurting me — and telling me he was going to explore a new relationship with some dreamgirl he knew — whom he admitted knew nothing about me — but he wanted to lie to her and see me on the sly, and eat his cake and have it, too. Charming. I said no thanks! ‘Bye! Don’t let the door hitcha in the butt!

    I ran into him a year later on a nature trail. He was with some very mousy, nondescript woman and I was with my very hot new boyfriend at the time, and just happened to have had my hair done and looked especially pretty that day… butter wouldn’t melt as I said hello, long time no see, ta ta, without making any introductions and walking off. Now THAT was closure!

    Many verses of the same song… I hope these words resonate.

    SLV



  443.  #443Honey on October 27, 2010 at 8:07 am

    Rosa –

    Good news. So happy for you. And glad about Mr. Radiologist, too.



  444.  #444Honey on October 27, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Renee –

    Wish I would have read your post before I emailed Mr. Millionaire back. I said I would meet half way.

    I have a hard time with asking a guy to come to me during the work day. The last guy I went out with offered to come to me…which I very much appreciated.

    Maybe I should email again.

    Hey, I just remembered…I emailed and he said he would rather I texted. I have a second chance here maybe.



  445.  #445LonePlum on October 27, 2010 at 8:33 am

    A siren had made plans for a date and the guy went to meet another girl
    Rori wrote to her:
     “””this is what happens sometimes, and it’s why you NEVER want to put out ANY effort for a first meet – in fact, for a long dating time. He has to come to you, to close by to where you are – home or work…so you don’t have to put out effort. Keep going – you’re learning… “””

    That’s also my intuitive attitude and not only because he can change his mind.
    I never move, no matter what.
    Men fly, ride a train or drive to me, I don’t go half way

    Men make plans, I don’t interfere.
    A man knows what he wants to do and he does it.
    I intuitively expect a man to come to me.
    I have nothing to lose in waiting for him here.
    If he can’t come to me in the first place, how the hell can he create a relationship with me?
    I don’t want my life to become more complicated, having to help a man to convince himself he wants to see me lol
    I want my life to become brighter, not crowder.
    And I want my man happy to become happy with me.
    I want him to enjoy what he does to catch my heart.

    I don’t know what he enjoys, so I don’t interfere.

    Men who live far away meet me because at some stage they come up with
    “I can be in your town next week end, are you available?”
    (the first time a guy from abroad said that, was powww!!!! Mind blowing! What a surprise! Men can actually do that )
    “yes”” or “no” is all I have to say.
    “Can we change it within 2 weeks” is the most I suggest.

    Some men have emailed me suggesting we’d meet half way
    I politely say it is too far from my town.
    I don’t explain why, and I don’t suggest them a different solution.
    I don’t tell them what to do.
    But I don’t want a man to tell me what to do to save HIM work while he is looking for HIS own happiness.
    Can he put it up all the way or will he need me to hold it for him half way?
    lol :p

    The day a man gives me love, his love will transform into energy. I will work at building a new life together with him.
    Right now, my energy is not meant to help a stranger satisfy his curiosity about me.

    I don’t care if it is a problem of time or money or health or logistics, the fact is he can’t come to me, so he can’t. That’s it.
    Nothing personal.

    I don’t look into his bridge to find him excuses.
    I don’t want to help him do things he can’t/don’t want to do by himself.
    And I am not one of the boys either, I don’t have to share half and half with him.
    I am the woman he might want to court.
    I stay on my bridge. The gate is opened, he is welcome in any time, along with others.
    I am having a garden party on my bridge.( as if lol)
    looool
    I am not leaving my bridge and my guests, to go fetch him and carry him back on my shoulders.
    looooool
    The man says he does not want to come to me.
    How much clearer can it be?
    Rori says to listen to the man and to believe him.
    😉



  446.  #446Honey on October 27, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Renee and Sirens –

    Wrote a text to try to get him to come my way even though I already emailed that I’d meet half way. I tried to get a feelings message in there. Need to be careful with this one cuz wealthy people are used to having things their way.

    Your opinions please,

    “Sent you an email then remembered you prefered txt. My schedule is open fri am and early afternoon. I am a bit old school in that it would feel so great to me to meet in my area for a first date, maybe in _____. Yes, you had that right – I AM an all-girl romantic type. LOl.”

    The “all-girl romantic type” is what he said I sounded like in his first email, so it was easy to slip that in and (hopefully) sound playful.

    Oops, forgot to add “What do you think?” so I just sent it.

    I feel so sireny! I wonder what he will say.

    It seems like I was too accomodating before…the bitchier I am, the more they like it. OK, my new mantra,

    “The older and bitchier I get, the hotter I am!”



  447.  #447Hadassah on October 27, 2010 at 8:47 am

    I hope someone else here finds this as hilarious as I do – my family has been here a few weeks now, and my mom keeps saying things like, “I can’t BELIEVE that your bf hasn’t asked you to have me watch the baby so you guys can go out to dinner or do something on your own with just the two of you!” And frankly, I can’t either.

    So FINALLY, he asks me last night, “so, are you ready to get back out into the world?” I say, “Sure, what did you have in mind?” Getting all excited about going out on a real actual DATE FINALLY.

    My darling bf – “Maybe I can take you hiking to place A, B and C…”

    Me (trying to hide disappointment) “Um… B, that sounds fun and all, (and it does to a point because I like hiking and all) but I think I would feel better kind of easing myself into spending time away from the baby, and 10 hours away from her on a Saturday isn’t really easing into it, but there are plenty of other things we can do that are closer to home for now.”

    BF: “Oh ok…” (And onto him asking how my day went, etc.)

    And here I am. Really? I mean, REALLY? He KNOWS we have NEVER EVER NEVER had a night out with just us in the entire year long time we have been seeing each other.

    I haven’t been out on a real date in over two years! Usually on the rare occasion when we do go out, we are trying to keep the baby from flinging food, screaming, trying to get her to stop trying to escape from the high chair, etc. (You know, typical toddler behavior).

    Here we FINALLY have a chance to go do something with just the two of us and all he has come up with is hiking! I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. Part of me is tickled by this because hiking is a HUGE part of his life and he wants to include me in it. He literally spends practically every Saturday from November through April hiking.

    The other part of me is BUMMED because dammit, I want romance and now he is out of excuses for why we can’t go out for a night, or why we can’t do this or that, etc. and NOW THAT WE CAN, he isn’t asking!!



  448.  #448Honey on October 27, 2010 at 8:50 am

    Hadassah –

    Can you express this to him in a feelings message?



  449.  #449tinque on October 27, 2010 at 8:55 am

    life is too short – Thank you so much and again to everyone else for all of your love.
    Thank you also for this link. Jlina had posted it before, and I didn’t check it out until just now. So sweet.
    I keep looking for his little face looking for mine. 🙁
    At the end when I was outside waiting for K to pick me up to go to the vet, his breathing was shallow, the eyes no longer focusing, I took his little head so he was facing me and asked him if he was still there. He let out a breathy last meow, and that was it.
    xxoo



  450.  #450tinque on October 27, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Rosa – I want you to know I’ve been thinking about you, sending you love.
    xxoo



  451.  #451Rachel on October 27, 2010 at 9:01 am

    SLV and LonePlum … very powerful stuff! Thank you – I needed these reminders!



  452.  #452Honey on October 27, 2010 at 9:02 am

    Tinque –

    I’m so glad he was in your arms at the end. Birth and death are some of life’s most intimate moments. Even though there is loss, there is something beautiful in being with someone you love when their spirit moves on. I was with my grandmother at the end, and I was so glad. I hope someone is there with me when I go. My great aunt had a heart attack and died a couple days ago…I don’t know all the details…but I think she died alone. I feel sad about it.



  453.  #453Hadassah on October 27, 2010 at 9:04 am

    @Honey 447 – The whole us going hiking thing he mentioned kind of in passing. But if he asks again in person or doesn’t instantly change the subject, I will more than likely tell him that “it would feel better to me if we could do a more traditional date at first” and asks what he thinks about that. I don’t feel like I should have to tell him that I want to go out to dinner and have a REAL date for the first time EVER, dammit! Especially when we first found out my fam was definitely moving here, he was all excited, talking about how he “couldn’t wait to date me properly” and how he was “so looking forward to nice dinners out with just the two of us!”



  454.  #454Brenda on October 27, 2010 at 9:05 am

    I have the start of a miracle on my student loan garnishment situation.

    I contacted a new attorney, and he is going to work with me. He discussed the ins and outs on the phone for about a half hour, and, altho it is going to be a difficult path, the beautiful part is by law they cannot pursue garnishment while a bankruptcy is in process!

    And, the end result is, no matter what else, a big part of my life will be getting in order that I have been procrastinating to deal with for a long time.

    This is all embarrassing to air, but it is therapeutic to me to write it out, as well as to get your feedback. Bottom line in my life is I think I have been coming from a place all my life of being emotionally disturbed. I have been labelled as clinically depressed in the past, along with that. The attorney wants me to pursue SS disability. It was recommended to me by a psychologist in 1998, but I resisted because of the shame that goes along with that.

    A part of me is strong, but a part of me is weak. I don’t know where this will all lead, but I am going to follow step by step what the attorney recommends, and trust God for the outcome.

    I feel scared and embarrassed, because spiritually I feel like a giant. But perhaps I have been so heavenly minded that I am no earthly good? Not sure. God knows my heart. But I am just really ready to be completely free of the emotional damage from the past, which has dragged me down my whole life in every area. I am baby-stepping my way out of it. Thank you Rori, Sirens, and Heroes for your part in my healing.



  455.  #455Hadassah on October 27, 2010 at 9:14 am

    @453-Brenda

    Don’t feel bad about bankruptcy! If it’s all you can do, it’s all you can do. I filed for chapter 13 last year due to mountains of credit card debt my toxic ex ran up that I didn’t know about until after the fact. To the tune of $30k, only in my name.

    I am in the process of converting it to a Chapter 7 so it can be discharged and done with and I can get on with my life. I had fabulous credit up until then, too. I hope you could do the chapter 7 so the repayments aren’t hanging over your head for 3-5 years.



  456.  #456Kacy on October 27, 2010 at 9:15 am

    Is anyone interested in trading “Commitment Blueprint for “Reconnect” for a couple of months? Please let me know.

    Brenda, Hope all goes well with this, anything that allows us to have less stress is good huh?



  457.  #457Honey on October 27, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Brenda,

    If you need SS Disability, you need it. That’s what it is for. And just because you go on it now, does not mean that you will need it forever. It is hard to get, though, so I’m glad you are working with a lawyer. The sooner you file, the better, because it takes a long time to get through the system and I believe you can get back pay to the time you filed. I hope you are checking into help with medical as well.

    I understand the shame because I have had trouble asking for help all my life. I finally had to when I went through my divorce because I couldn’t raise my kids with their disabilities alone. I was fortunate to have the help of my family, but it was a humbling experience. Now I see it as positive in a spiritual sense because it allowed me to get over myself and all my expectations for myself.

    You are taking care of yourself… that is important and oh so Siren-y! Good for you!



  458.  #458Honey on October 27, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Brenda –

    One more thing…it is really hard to do all that you have done when you are depressed. I hope you feel good about yourself for taking these steps. I feel proud of you.



  459.  #459Brenda on October 27, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Hadassah, Honey, Kacy,

    Thank you! Yes, it has been really hard to just make each call I need to make. It was hard to call the student loan people today to let them know I switched attorneys. Right away they tried to drill me with questions all over again. I just gave them the broken record again, telling them to speak with my attorney.

    The attorney is a friendly, good-natured man. I told him up front the one hoop I was unable to jump thru was the $3500 fee, which is what it now costs, since bankruptcy has become so much more difficult. He said he would work with me. So I was honest with him, and he is still working with me. I feel really good about his whole tone and persona. I think it will take the stress out of the mountain of paperwork that lies ahead of me. I have been running from this for years, because I can’t handle pressure and stress. Now I HAVE to deal with it. I will feel so much better when it is done. This, too, shall pass.

    Thanks for the info on Ch 7 vs. Ch 13. I didn’t know. He said I will probably have to go Ch. 13. One step at a time. Thanks again, all of you!



  460.  #460Meemee on October 27, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Brenda,
    It is good to see you are keeping your spirits up even in the middle of great stress. Wondeful strong woman you are!!! Hope things will be fine very soon and as you said this too shall pass.
    I am happy I am on this blog sharing and listening to wonderful and strong willed women like you.
    Bless you. You will be in my prayers today.
    Meemee



  461.  #461Lucy on October 27, 2010 at 9:52 am

    Renee, some “emotionally unavailable” men can maintain an appearance of emotional availability for quite awhile. My ex-h was like that — seemed really connected with me for several months when we first met…proposed to me….and shortly before the wedding, I began to feel something change with him…but married him anyway…and after the wedding, he REALLY changed, because he had gotten his wife and didn’t need to do anything any more – could go back to being completely disconnected (he told me later this is what went through his mind, but he thought that was “normal” — what all guys did and felt!)

    Even now, nine years after our marriage ended — two days ago, he told me he knows he’s not cut out for a relationship, that he just isn’t driven to connect with anyone that way. He hasn’t dated at all, and says he never will — and that if I don’t find anyone else, he would be happy to move back in with me — but he admits he’s not driven to pursue me (or anyone else) romantically.

    I wish I had known all that before I married him when I was 24. It would’ve been nice to share all those years with someone who really loved and wanted me.

    So maybe Blondie is doing you a favor.

    <3
    Lucy



  462.  #462Brenda on October 27, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Hadassah,

    No, it’s not funny. Here are some suggested feeling messages. They are ones I have sa