Dating Heals Your Heartache

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I’m writing this as a “jump-off” from a letter I received from “Jeanne.” I don’t want to print the letter itself, because I’m going to say something unfavorable about the therapist in the letter – so, here goes:

In the letter, “Jeanne” has a horrible-feeling pattern of getting involved with men who are Toxic, who are emotionally unavailable and cold – and her therapist calls this attraction to these kinds of men, and the fact that she keeps attracting these kinds of men a “bum magnet.”

This is kind of a cool label for attracting and being attracted to toxic men or men who just aren’t good for YOU – so I’m totally okay with the “bum magnet” (we’ll talk later about how ALL negative labels can set you back instead of propel you forward, but let’s just go with this concept for now).

Then the therapist advised Jeanne to “take a break from dating for awhile,” until she could get this “bum magnet” cleared up inside herself.

Now, if you’ve been reading my work – you know this is the exact opposite of what I teach, and the exact opposite of Circular Dating.

And here’s why disconnecting from the forward movement toward the goal you want, in order to “work on yourself” exclusively and alone – DOES NOT WORK as fast as Circular Dating being A PART of this inner work – works.

It takes more bravery, yes, and it takes the Tools to understand what you’re doing with Circular Dating – and what the goal is.

To make this a global kind of understanding – ALL forms of “positive thinking” – Wishboards, Affirmations, Positive ACTIONS (Circular Dating is included here) – work on TWO levels:

1. Doing and thinking things that make you feel GOOD – even for one moment – retrain your mind, body and spirit to move to a higher level of pleasure.

Looking for that wonderful picture of a wedding to put on your Wishboard causes intense pleasure for a moment, just as seeing a beautiful man across the room and watching and experiencing him coming toward you to talk to you causes intense pleasure for a moment. And this is FANTASTIC. But, here’s the other side:

2. Doing and thinking things that make you feel good TRIGGER you. They trigger old TRAUMA. Trauma happens when we experience something bad and painful and frightening and we are HELPLESS to affect the outcome. We are prevented from either fleeing or fighting successfully. We have no control. And that is the short explanation of TRAUMA. It’s not the experience – it’s the moment of helplessness that creates Trauma. Old trauma is made up of memories of the bad-feeling things, and just the fleeting idea that you may be about to re-experience any of those old bad – perhaps even terrifying – memories and feelings is enough to make your body, your heart, your mind – react in the way it first reacted to that Trauma.

There are many ways that can look – we can tune out, we can shut down and go numb, we can try to run away but somehow STAY THERE…

So – when you see the picture of the wedding on your Wishboard – you feel both the thrill of possibility, and then the Voice in your head and the tension and anxiety and maybe even numbness in your body that makes it impossible to experience that thrill for more than a second.

Now – at this point – we usually quit. We stop the Wishboard, we forget about the self-help tapes and the meditation, eat junk – and generally return to our “comfort zone.” Our trauma wins.

And the little glimmer of hope, of pleasure that we experienced in a moment of the Affirmation, the Wishboard…reminds us both of the possibility – and makes us beat ourselves up over not continuing to feel that way.

And that’s why staying away from Dating and focusing on the work inside yourself is like attempting to move forward without triggering yourself. It can’t be done. Therapists out there may disagree with me – but every therapist I know and love who has a track record DOES agree with me.

So – how do you Trigger yourself with something as powerful as going out on dates with men you don’t know and may not even like – men who may be boring and safe, or great and just like those other Toxic Men you’ve always somehow ended up with?

Practice. That’s how.

Meditation is not a one-time fix all. Meditation is a “Practice.” You do it over and over and over. You experience yourself going down into yourself and then up again to your old thoughts. It’s a CONTINUAL experience.

Circular Dating is not a one-time fix. It’s meant as a meditation practice. Sound weird? Dating as “meditation”? And yet, that’s what I’m asking you to do.

I’m asking you to look at the “practice” of Dating just like you’d look at a Wishboard. Just like you’d look at an Affirmation. As something you do over and over and over again, with new men and different outcomes – and through ALL the experiences – you TRACK YOURSELF.

We’ll talk more and more about Tracking yourself in all your interactions with men – and for now – This means, you stay alert and aware to what’s happening. You take notes, you draw pictures, you sing and dance about it.

You use the OUTER work of interacting with different men in different places and different experiences to FUEL your INNER work.

So – Jeanne, if you’re reading this – please show your therapist this post. Let me know if you can find a way to use Circular Dating to turn what your therapist (and you) have now labeled your biggest failure – having a “bum magnet” – into the EXACT Tool you need to change everything for yourself – more quickly and permanently.

To start considering how to do this – go to the Power & Self-Esteem series here (you can also find the series in “Top Posts”) – start from the very first post (use the dates as guides), write out your answers here for practice – and then practice doing this ALL the time, until you can Track yourself like this even when you’re in a frightening situation where you feel Triggered.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Allana Pratt on October 28, 2008 at 10:36 am

    Dearest amazing Rori,

    On the one hand I believe that you are RIGHT ON with the advice to NOT take a break from Dating and to use Dating as the Meditation, the Practice. I advise (and use!) the opportunity of being on a date to watch myself speak my truth or hide to be liked… hear my inner voice say limiting beliefs and choose not to listen to it. There’s no where else to live fully but this Present Moment so let’s stand firm in the fire of the Date and see if we can open our hearts to greater self love and thus see that mirrored in a man honoring us.

    On the other hand, on a rare occasion I will ask a client to take a break for one month from Dating because I believe they are in such an addicted pattern of self abuse that I want the experience of NOT getting the Fix of attention from an unworthy man TO BE the Trigger itself that we work on. The hit these clients get from external attention will never fulfill them internally and so I take them through various practices to listen to that part of themselves inside that is screaming for attention, that the addictive behavior is covering up. Generally it’s a lot of pain and trauma as you mention which once validated, heard and understood, dissolves rather quickly over a few sessions and they’re back on their way to Dating with Consciousness, with the ability to be alert and watch their thoughts and actions.

    Do you find the same or do you always advise them to conintue dating regardless of the strength of their addictions, albeit subconscious addictions, to being with men unworthy of their heart?

    I love the work you’re doing, I am honored to be talking about such important information for women and I am grateful that so many more women are experiencing getting the love and attention they deserve through our work!

    All my love, Sexy Mom Expert, Allana!

  2.  #2Rori Raye on October 28, 2008 at 12:38 pm

    Allana! So nice to hear from you! To all here who don’t know Allana, she’s the Sexy Mom Expert who totally walks her talk and is a true Rock Star Free Spirit. I’m going to turn her comment into a post and talk about my take on it. Look for the link here…

  3.  #3Daria on October 28, 2008 at 1:25 pm

    Im feeling so mad! I have been passed up for a much overdue and earned promotion at work! No wonder I have been feeling so icky about going to work lately… I don’t have any new cute dates lined up… my life seems so boring!!! I feel trapped! I want to love my feelings and I don’t want to feel trapped! AARGH! I am going to quit my job if they do not redress this situation because I do not want to be taken advantage of. And I have about 100 dollars to my name! I feel so frustrated I even just called this guy that likes me always feel like I’m receiving with him although I don’t feel attracted to him… I even tried calling a guy I used to like (his phone was off – probably for the best). I just feel so frustrated and fed up!!!! I love myself and that feels like a lie I feel like screaming!!! I don’t want to feel better it seems like and that’s ok… that feeels funny and sad at the same time like a smirk… and I feel like I just want to be rescued and not do anything… I feel like I want to forget about not calling and call every guy in my phone!! LOL… what is up with me and this rebellion against not overfunctioning the past week?

    Is this expected… Rori you said this is my fear and yes it feels like fear but it also feels like being trapped and feeling angry and defiant like throwing a tantrum…

    I feel tightness in my throat and my stomach… I love you tightness… and I feel tightness in my mouth… I do NOT WANT TO LOVE MY FEEELINGS RIGHT NOW!!! and that is ok… because I love that feeling… hahaha… that feels like laughing out loud and smiling… I still feel angry in my mouth like there is a pebble I am holding between my bottom teeth and my lip… and that is pretty cool… and I feel like a hurricane is going on in my lower stomach and that is ok… along with the my left jaw tightening and now my right jaw…

    I just want to have fun! I want to go and party and I want to call these 2 particular guyfriends that I LIKE and that are not calling me… hmmm….. is that a trap or what!!!

    LOL! I love myself for wanting to overfunction. I love myself for wanting their energy. I forgive myself and promise myself I am here for myself. Even if myself is screaming that I am not good enough, that it wants their love not mine… I appreciate my honesty… and I feel happy to see this pattern right here on virtual paper…

    I do not know what to do with this pattern but I’m going to send love to it… I love myself for having this pattern… and part of me wants to let go of this pattern and really have love… and I love that part of me too… and part of me feels scared of feeling lonely… and I love that part too… And I’m feeling like smiling… and yawning… And part of me doesn’t want to even go to work this week but I have decided to write the VP and go to work until the end of the week to wait on his response…

    So help and tips please… anyone ladies…

    thank you…
    am going to look up vp’s address online…

  4.  #4maya on October 29, 2008 at 11:28 am

    This sounds good, but sometimes we don’t feel like doing much on the first days. He dumped me a couple of days ago without explaining anything, just started to act weird and away from me. I tried the lean back, didn’t do much honestly (probably it was too late). Then he sent me an email for my Birthday just saying ‘Happy Birthday’. I didn’t thank him, I am not contacting him in any way or letting him know about me, as I feel that will only put me in a unconfortable position if he does not answer.
    It’s so frustrating. Feeling he does no longer think about me, or like me, and I have been deleted from his life.
    Moving on seems difficult.

  5.  #5Daria on October 29, 2008 at 11:34 am

    Oh you guys I feel so sad… even you have disappeared… I feel like I am sinking in a lukewarm puddle of sadness… gross… I feel disgusted… that feels like tightening the back of my throat and heaviness… It feels like hunched shoulders and warm body and no spark… I love my feelings… and I feel outraged that I would say that… That I would love my feelings when I feel so gross feels shameful… and I love that… It feels like heaviness and hotness in my upper teeth… I am so lonely… my friends are not calling me… my life is so boring right now… I feel heavy… my mouth feels like its holding a soft heavy energy… that is so heavy it’s dragging my face down… I want to feel Unlonely… too bad there’s not postive side to lonely… I meant an atonym… but maybe there is a positive side to lonely… maybe being lonely gives me a chance to recharge myself… to grow… well growing sux… I don’t want to grow if it feels this way… I don’t like this feeling… I want to feel happy and full of energy… I want to feel like a kid with life just pounding through my veins… this feels like heavyness in my upper stomach… it feels like too much to even picture this right now… that feels like a sigh… it feels like giving up… oh i feel so helpless… that feels like my throat pressing against the front and choking my air… it feels like my side of my nose tightening… like my upper mouth heavy… like my stomach making gurgly noises… I want to love my feelings because I know it’s the way to go… and that feels like smiling a little… and I love my feelings… and that feels like smiling stronger… which feels like more nausea and more pressing in my throat and stomach… and I love these feelings even… I love that I feel lonely even though I feel OUTRAGED that I feel this way… I love that part of me and the part of me that feels it has no energy to love… oh I feel like my stranger Ayla right now… dragging through the swamp mud, sad, dirty, alone, gross, helpless and hopeless… and that feels so endearing… I am going to hug her… and she stares at me blankly and continues to shuffle on… and I just sneezed and already I feel more powerful and I feel some tingles going through my veins to my arms hands and fingers… and now my throat is tightening again and my right forehead is getting heavy… I feel like I cannot breathe well and a part of me is Demanding that I stop typing because it is a waste of time… and I love that part of me… I love all these parts of me that are coming up… who knows how long they have been unacknowledged and unloved… but what I would love most of all is for one of my friends to call me… so I can borrow some of their energy or just share mine… LOL I feel like an addict and I probably am… and I love that about me and it feels like laughing a little and smiling… and my brain is thinking of things that may make me feel better but they are not what I want to do right now… right now I want the universe to prove to me that I am worthy by having the people I want call me… and I feel ashamed and irritated with myself… and I love my shame and irritation… I love my longing and holding on and trying to control the outcome… I love my lonely hopeless feeling… I love my fear… I love my terrifying aloneness… that I will just lose more and more energy into this aloneness until I am nothing… until all I am is a puddle that can not move… lol… maybe that is like Rori’s pond… and I feel angry I do not want to be a puddle and right now I also don’t want to be a pond… I want to be a roaring river and at the same time I so do want to attract men so I suppose I am going to practice being a pond… or maybe I just don’t like ponds and I can practice being a goddess…I can use my roaring energy to direct myself back to practicing… and I see my phone and it is not ringing and again I feel discouraged… I must not be very good at this letting go and raising my vibe thing because I have practiced for Awhile now and I;m still not doing it right… and I love that about myself and how hard I am on myself but I also want to not beat myself up and I love that about me too… and I am smiling now and yawning… I feel compelled to pick up the phone and look at it… maybe I should go put it in the other room… I have been trying to put it farther away from me to demonstrate that I don’t need it… that I can make myself happy but now I feel that I can’t… and that feels like sinking deep into a well in my stomach… like freefalling down a tunnel that seems to have no end and it feels like throwing up and like my stomach tightening and my head getting dizzy… and now I am thinking that maybe I should not have a cell phone at all… I should cut myself off from the world… that will be a punishment to the world and to myself for not attracting people… and that feels like smiling but something also feels attractive about that like I would have lots of goddess time to myself and be more sensual… and that feels powerful… it feels like I am cool and very goddesslike and radiant… and at the same time I really love communicating and sharing and I feel sad that I am not getting a chance to… and I feel angry because the calls I have been getting are not from the people that I want, that would increase my energy… I feel so bored with this exercise right now and I love my boredom… I love my sadness… and I love my power… I feel I have been neglecting myself and my body and I feel empowered to realize that there are things I can do for myself, like workout and shower and eat … that may make me feel better… too bad I am not sure that they will make me feel better because they are not the outcome I want… that is people to call me… hmmm… i love my feeling of being fixed on this outcome… I love my longing and frustration… that feels like yawning… and it feels like heavy in my lower tummy and tension in the sides of my neck… I love my heaviness and my tension… I love the icky feeling in the back of my throat… I love the burning in my eyes… I love the health issue I am having… I want to be healed and free and I love that about me… I love that I feel I don’t have enough money, I love the tightness inside my chest… I love my sighing… I love my esophagus tightening… I love my laughter… I love me I love my smile and I am feeling lighter and I love that…I am feeling stronger and my mom wants to use the computer and I love that I feel better and love the fear I have about writing the letter to my VP and am going to do that now… =)

  6.  #6Daria on October 29, 2008 at 12:11 pm

    Hi maya… try the power and self esteem section of the blog and start from the beginning and making lists…

    I know that Rori would probably recommend that…


  7.  #7Carmela on October 29, 2008 at 2:58 pm

    I am going to try that power and sel-esteem section and see what happens. This was a great post, Rori. Thank you so much.

  8.  #8Rori Raye on October 29, 2008 at 10:06 pm

    Thank you, Carmela, and Welcome. Look forward to your lists and to knowing you. Love, Rori

  9.  #9susan on April 16, 2009 at 4:19 am

    Hi Rori,
    I almost feel as though this post were written for me. I have a question though, you say: “Old trauma is made up of memories of the bad-feeling things, ..”

    I am finding that I cannot tolerate the good memories of my ex either. We were in a relationship for over 8 years and thinking about the good times makes me realize how empty and hollow my life is now. What should I do to overcome this?

  10.  #10Bill Bartmann on September 3, 2009 at 4:19 pm

    Cool site, love the info.