Dealing With Jealousy…

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I don’t like jealousy.

I don’t like feeling that way.

And if you’re like me, you were brought up to feel jealous.  I was taught and told pretty much that if someone else had something, then I couldn’t have it.  It was either them or me.

And at the same time, we women have been slammed from birth for being “competitive.”  Competition has always been the realm of men, and as we women are breaking through and creating incredibly satisfying lives in the world of work and careers, it’s getting even harder.  We want to succeed, but we don’t really, deep down want to do it over the dead bodies of others – especially not over the dead bodies of our men.

What we want is for EVERYONE to be able to win.  Except there’s only one person in each job in each company, only 2 senators per state, and only one actress getting the lead role in one move.  There’s no way to NOT compete.  And so there’s no way to NOT feel jealous.

Of course – another way to look at it is – “That job wasn’t meant for me,” “I’m supposed to be doing something besides being Senator or President,” (a lot of pain and competition around that this year) or “There’s something coming around the corner that will be even better.”

And this may be true, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.  Especially when it’s about love.

When someone else gets your man, it feels like a thousand knives being stuck in your heart. And all the high-minded thinking about what’s meant to be sounds hollow, and you just want to hit the person saying it (even if it’s your own brain).

So let’s try this:

When you feel it, say it.  Write it down.  Like this: “I feel jealous.” And then… “And it feels awful.”

And then…”So what?” And “Yayyy…I can FEEL!”

Instead of FIGHTING our jealousy, we have to find a way to move past it – into a place where we can gather our energy, our anger, our fear, and our jealousy, too – to create a NEW opportunity to have what we want.

That’s it – a new opportunity.  A fresh start, a new perspective, a new place, a new company, a new man.

And the amazing thing is – and all my clients experience this – when you focus on the NEW, on the FRESH, on making each moment count as if it’s got a great surprise gift ready for you to unwrap, the OLD starts creeping back.

It creeps back sometimes to pull our attention and drag us back into the mud of yesterday, or it shows up a something NEW.  I’ve seen OLD men turn into NEW men.  And I’ve seen OLD men show up as messengers to let you know for sure that you’re now in a PERMANENTLY new place, thank you very much.

First step to the New is always to feel what you’re feeling.  No denial, no shoving under the rug, no pretending.

Love, Rori

 

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155 Comments

  1.  #1steph on September 7, 2008 at 11:27 am

    I feel as though I understand where you’re going with this. Fighting jealousy or anything really only perpetuates what you fight.

    I love your method of noting what you feel and then moving past it. Acknowledging it and then saying, okay, moving on…it reminds me of meditation. I often get distracted easily and my husband says, Say, okay, I just had that thought. It’s okay. Now, moving on. Or like dieting. Okay, you just had three Oreos. But it’s not the end. You accept it, put it behind you, and start fresh again, instead of fighting yourself or beating yourself up.

    As far as jealousy goes, I’m actually not jealous in my relationship, but I do tend to compare myself to others a lot and get jealous that way. Thanks for sharing a great way to move past it!



  2.  #2zoretta anders on September 15, 2008 at 6:55 am

    Dear Rori. I have a big issue with jealously right now. You see I been with this guy for 14 years and also have a 13 year old son by him. Here lately well he loves the computer it gives him something to do but he was either told of this website or found it hisself. I don’t really know but he been e-mailing other woman and I let him know how I feel about it. How hurt it makes me plus sad and not worthy enough for him. He truly say it means nothing it’s just something to do . But I know for sure this one woman who live very far away has gotten to him because he cannot seem to stop writing. She doesn’t know the real him because he only tell her what she want to hear plus also have sent her some money and I don’t know the real reason for that. I have ask him time and time again to stop. I have even left him over it ,came back and it still the same. He tell me he loves me and I beleive him I just don’t know why he cannot stop. Please Help. Thanks.



  3.  #3Donna on April 14, 2009 at 7:38 am

    I have a problem with feeling second in my current relationship; second to my boyfriend’s daughter, second to his work, second to his interests. It may be my insecurity or just past relationship issues. I want a best friend in my relationship at this time in my life – I don’t feel I have this.



  4.  #4Rori Raye on April 15, 2009 at 12:21 am

    Donna, Welcome, and I totally hear you. The key word here is “insecurity.” Work on your own life – to making it full and happy. At the same time, practice the feeling messages and emotional Tools with people everywhere until you can learn to speak the truth to this man – how you feel, what you like, what you don’t like. Consider Circular Dating.

    To go deeper in a relationship – you have to open up first. I know the Tools here and in my programs, and the wonderful women here will help you. Love, Rori



  5.  #5Tina on May 15, 2009 at 8:31 am

    I have a jealous streak. I know this about myself so anticipate feeling jealous at any moment. I have practiced saying this to myself to myself when no one is around. I anticipate my feelings , this helps me in a huge way. For example my feelings of jealousy, I know this to be true about myself, so at any given time my feeling of jealousy may come up, it is difficult to acknowledge my feelings in the moment especially such a stronge feeling. I am grateful to have a tool that will help me in my moments of feeling jealous. I know most often what I am feeling, I may not know the triggers. I feel anxious when I am around my “boyfriends” ex, maybe not jealousy just a lot of anxiety, like I “stole” her man lol , (they were broken up for more than a year when I met him.) Every time I see her, my anxiety goes way up. My impulse is to run lol or just get out of that situation as quickly as possible, feels way to uncomfortable me.

    ok so maybe I do feel jealous (just realizing that now) first I would like to get pass my feeling of extreme anxiety lol. One step at a time I suppose *sigh.

    Thank you,

    Tina



  6.  #6Tara on July 5, 2009 at 9:43 am

    Is it weird to be jealous of his mother? I mean, it;s a whole different type of relationship..but..he treats his mom so much better than he treats me..His mother is needy, single, late 50’s, cries all the time, and guilts him if he doesn’t answer his phone when she calls. She’s very “nice’ and likes everyone, and I feel bad for feeling angry when she calls. But he also enables her to be that way. If I need him, and am crying or upset he tells me to handle my problems myself..and if his mom is having a rough moment, he calls her, and offers to take her to dinner..
    But me??….Nope.
    If she needs him the same time I do, he chooses to be there for her. Then, when she’s done needing him or feels “better’, then he will make sure I am OK.
    He and I argue about it all the time. He is denial about the unhealthy relationship him and hnis mother have./ Believe me, I am glad he is there for her. But, I need him sometimes too. I have expressed this to him, and he tells me that I am too “needy” and that I need to go back to my counselour. He blames me for alot, and tells me that I am “allowing” myself to get worked up over nothing.
    What do I do???



  7.  #7Tara on July 5, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Also, when it comes to other women, or women he’s been with in the past–he’s treated them with so much more respect than he does with me. They’ve all left him pretty much, except for me..who’s been dumped by him over and over again the past several years..
    But, I agree with steph-i think i compare myself to other women that he talks to or has been with and I get insecure that way, or jealous. I usually not a jealous person, but with him…..i don’t know..it’s because he treats other women better than he treats me, and makes me wonder what they have that I don’t…confidence?? or strength?? not sure..
    but with him, i come out last.



  8.  #8Rori Raye on July 6, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Tara, you are in a bad way. You are addicted, obsessing, and completely forgetting about yourself. Please – work with yourself…Love, Rori



  9.  #9zmj on July 20, 2009 at 10:59 am

    Hi..
    I think I have a very big problem here. I don’t know why my relationship man likes to mention other girl names/ used their names and like making a joke to see me jealous. (He’s a singer although not a very top one).
    Sometimes its like a joke, maybe he has very low self-esteem or what?
    Or he just wants to show me that many young gurls are attracted to him still although he’s 41 and I’m 31?
    Or he thinks that I’m only HIS FRIEND so I’m not supposed to be jealous?
    Or he’s trying any way to push me away, so if I get angry and scold him so he can leave me?
    Pls help.. I really dunno hw to handle this smartly!



  10.  #10Rori Raye on July 21, 2009 at 12:54 pm

    zmj – Welcome, and share with him how you feel. That you feel confused whenever he mentions other women, that you feel weird and jealous, and it doesn’t feel good. Ask him what he thinks you can do to compromise on this. And if you feel uncomfortable next time he does it, after you’ve talked…leave the room. Love, Rori



  11.  #11Emily on July 22, 2009 at 2:04 pm

    Hi Lori;
    What about if I share my feelings and insecures with my husband and explain how i feel with some actions that he does (for example, give to much attention to a female co-worker; texting with her and send pictures of himself to her after a surgery he had, telling that he took the picture specially for her; etc etc)… and only he says that I am exaggerating and the things are not like I feel…
    I mean, what happen if he refuses all these feelings??

    After that I started Not to say anything and hide what I have been felling with other situations too.. But I don’t feel right. I feel like i am not honest with him pretending that everything is ok. I don’t want to argue with him. I don’t want him to call me Jealous and insecure..

    What should I have to do? I really love him!
    How can I start to share my feelings in a correct way in order to be heard and appreciated?



  12.  #12Rori Raye on July 22, 2009 at 10:34 pm

    Emily, I don’t like what your husband is doing, flirting with other women and making it like you’re crazy. You’re not. It doesn’t feel good. What you need is some tough boundaries. The women here will help you see that and take it step-by-step to a different view of this situation. Love, Rori



  13.  #13zmj on July 22, 2009 at 11:09 pm

    Rory, thx…
    I did ask nicely, only after he started saying that he wanted to ask for a lady’s picture thru sms. I’m not sure if he really did or not. When I asked him, he then made a joke like, “Why, are u having period now?”. I said of course not.

    Then I asked him again, “Why do you like to mention their names? ..” with extra, “I don’t think they are my competitor”, He blamed me then and stopped smsing me. We’re couples – not staying together. Was my second line very bad..?

    I sent sms to him after that saying.., ” I feel so sad now because you can simply stop smsing me and became angry although I blv that I’m so nice wth you”. Thats my last sms, but til now he still keeps quiet. What shd I do?

    I don’t want to chase him anymore. Yup, I did once, begging and chasing, driving to his place. But it seems like he took it for granted – always asked me to be his driver to go here and there (althogh not in ‘order’ type but it seemss like one). I want to stay calm this time, but at the same time very authentic. Should I sms him after 2-3 days and tell him that I’m longing, sad, frustrated? Or he won’t sms me at all?

    Hope you can help. Thx alot..



  14.  #14Emily on July 24, 2009 at 10:11 am

    Thank you Rori for your answer!
    But I don’t know how to place tough boundaries…
    Do I have to talk to him again?…. give me please some ideas of what boundaries I need.



  15.  #15Christine Archer on July 26, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Dear Rory,

    I can’t begin to tell you how much I hate myself right now! I am jealous and insecure over my fiance’s friend from work. She is going through a nasty divorce and just lost her dad to cancer recently. My fiance is trying to be her friend (as he says) because he’s been through what she is going through, he had a nasty divorce and lost his grandpa to cancer last year. He says that he still loves me and wants myself and his co-worker to be friends eventually. But how do I get past this jealousy that I feel since they have a connection that I don’t have? This feeling caused me to accuse him of cheating on me (something he has never done) because family and friends have told me that because he is trying to be friends with her and is pulling away from me is trying to tell me that he wants to end it by cheating. Please help me I don’t want to lose him! He is the only man that has ever loved me for me, I don’t want to throw away 3 years of a normally great relationship up to now.



  16.  #16Rori Raye on July 26, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    Whoa, Christine – okay–get OFF the train you’re on. Just step off the jealousy train. Step OFF. Now get on another train. This train is LOVE FOR CHRISTINE!! I want you to hug yourself and love yourself SO hard you feel safe in your own arms.

    Now– this is an emotional thing he has with this woman. If you try to step into it — you will LOSE.
    Instead – you must build your self-confidence – double it – triple it…and get REALLY BUSY. This means activities, classes, FUN THINGS! I want you SMILING ALL THE time. AND – I want you VULNERABLE. You’re going to have to out-girl this other woman, and you can’t do it by creating some drama for yourself. You’re going to have to do it with Feeling Messages – and they’re going to have to be happy, positive, passionate ones.

    Come up with some ideas…post them here – everyone – please help with ideas (and I’ll write a new post around this) to be vulnerable in a happy way instead of a negative way. Complaining here will do you in. You cannot see her as a competitor. You’re going to have to BEAT her in a different way — and that way is marked “girl”!!

    I also want you to flirt your ass off out there when he’s not with you – this is Circular Dating within a relationship. We’ll all help, and the Targeting Mr. Right category here will give you some basics…Love, Rori



  17.  #17Rori Raye on July 26, 2009 at 12:20 pm

    Christine, this is such a powerful issue, I’m going to use your letter and my answer (plus way more) in an eletter — if you want me to change your name for that, let me know… (it probably won’t come out for another month, though, so get the help you need NOW here and in my Modern Siren program and ebook). Love, Rori



  18.  #18Christine Archer on July 26, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Rory,

    Thank you, he does want this to work out between him and I and he wants Leah’s (the co-worker) friendship because he understands what she is going through right now. I see that my being jealous has threatened my relationship with my fiance. I have been told that I should let them become friends that it could lead to something else. But he has insisted that it hasn’t never come to that point and if it should ever come to that point he would let me know so I could move on. No you don’t have to change my name. Thank you for being there for me, I am so glad to have someone to talk to that has been there before. I am going to do my best to stop being jealous of Leah since I am the one that he gave the ring to not her.



  19.  #19Christine Archer on July 26, 2009 at 1:50 pm

    Rory,

    Thank you, he does want this to work out between him and I and he wants Leah’s (the co-worker) friendship because he understands what she is going through right now. I see that my being jealous has threatened my relationship with my fiance. I have been told that I shouldn’t let them become friends that it could lead to something else. But he has insisted that it hasn’t never come to that point and if it should ever come to that point he would let me know so I could move on. No you don’t have to change my name. Thank you for being there for me, I am so glad to have someone to talk to that has been there before. I am going to do my best to stop being jealous of Leah since I am the one that he gave the ring to not her.



  20.  #20Christine Archer on July 28, 2009 at 8:16 am

    Rori,

    Thanks for your advice but I think that my fiance and I might be breaking up. He told me last night that all he feels for me now is friendship and that in his gut this co-worker wants a relationship with him, even though that’s not what he wants. He has yet to ask her how she feels for him because he says its too soon. But he is pretty sure about her feelings because she acts the way that I did when he and I first were starting out, wanting to be with him all the time and always thinking about him and so on. He says that we might still have a chance that only time and Leah’s feelings for him will tell.



  21.  #21Miriam on October 26, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    Dear Rory,
    I have a long-distance-relationship since one year with my boyfriend. He has a lot of girls as friends in his circle of friends. Especially one girl he feels “soulmate” with. Three weeks ago he met her with three other woman and they celebrated her birthday the whole night long and slept together at her flat. After that we phoned an he said as I asked him if he canoodled her (what I shouldn´t have asked) that there was nothing. I said to him that I am jealous. He said he loves me and decided to be with me but he also needs her as a friend.
    now as he calls me every evening, i am always a bit afraid and askant about our relationship. Last sunday I again asked if he has been ever in love with her ( as he often tells from her when we talk) but he said they once talked about having a relationship but decided that the chemistry wasn´t rihgt. It´s a bit confusing for me. One time he talks about her and says how he likes her an other time he says he loves me (what I try to believe) and wants to be with me.
    I know I have less self-esteem and, Rory, I maybe should try to have fun and meet other man like circular dating.
    How can I be more relaxed when he calls in the evenings ( I´m most of the time a bit anxious before he calls, ´cause I think I have to be “in a good mood” and most of the time I am jealous or a bit depressed)??? I try to think of ” leaning back ” and cuddle my pillow when he calls, it helps a bit.
    Greetings, Miriam



  22.  #22Rori Raye on October 27, 2009 at 12:19 pm

    Miriam – you got it with the “maybe I should try to have fun and met other men like Circular Dating.” If you were here, I’d grab you, hug you and read you the riot act for being exclusively involved with a man who not only doesn’t have his ring on your finger – he isn’t even in your presence!!! Long-distance sucks, and unless you’re married to the man and he’s overseas in the service — I see absolutely no rationale for being exclusive. Period. Love, rori



  23.  #23Miriam on October 27, 2009 at 4:43 pm

    Thank you so much Rory!



  24.  #24la la land on November 3, 2009 at 9:42 am

    well hi rori
    im going to write on this page today because i am on the jealousy train again.
    before i was threatened divorce my husband found his ex on the internet
    and they have been in touch ever since.
    working your way i decided to out-girl her and not fall on the jealousy trap.
    but i find it hard, he says i should be happy for him for having such a friend but i cant really. i feel i lost here.
    i got my life together better then ever, i started driving im working more doing so good, but this is too much, i want to quit. i know i should focus on my fun but..



  25.  #25Rori Raye on November 3, 2009 at 2:15 pm

    la la – there is a big difference between not allowing jealousy to run you – and tolerating situations you shouldn’t be tolerating. I’m going to jump off into a post, here…Love, Rori



  26.  #26la la land on November 3, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    thank you rori , im looking forward to it.



  27.  #27la la land on November 4, 2009 at 2:09 am

    now you got me working,
    in this relationship i am the jealous partner
    this pushed him away from me very efficiently
    in the early years it made him cut off relationship he wanted with female friends etc,
    then he hide them [ ended in a big drama with actual affairs over a year time]
    lately, he just keeps in touch with whom ever, tries to be open about it, as he is not afraid of loosing the marriage, this became an option for us. all this are part of who he is now and in a way he defines his territory with their presence.
    im paying for so many mistake i cant tell the difference anymore.
    i want a fresh start, but i guess that means focusing on myself, well i do, i have few success at work and looks and so on but in a way i suffer. self dating is no fun, i did two trips by myself and it was hard. i felt as a total stranger.
    i dont know how to have fun, im better at ‘function’ and ‘waiting’. i think i have to focus on that. ‘get a life’ is what he usually say to me.
    many times he told me he knows i will be better off him, but the challenge is to do both. emancipate me and stay together.



  28.  #28la la land on November 4, 2009 at 2:47 am

    the ironic of our situation is that officially i cheated first.
    i had a small [one time] overlap with a roommate i use to sleep with when i met my husband.
    even though that roommate is long time dead unfortunately, and we picked ourselves up and became a family. that panic i went through when realizing what just happened… i think that made him right and me wrong for the rest of our life, i probably lost all my powers then. the day he pooled back on me, i lost all my self respect and went after him like a wounded animal.
    but i shell reinvent myself, and let gone be gone.
    its siren time.



  29.  #29Trisha on November 11, 2009 at 2:25 am

    “Jealousy is rotteness to the bone” It is an emotion that causes a great deal of anger in me. My man has been a professional singer who started his own band in CA back 20 years ago. He sang on stage with the Temptations at one time too. Have any idea what it’s like to be in the audience and have woman swooning and “ooing” and “ahhing” over him while he’s singing? How it feels to have big bosomed woman pressing themselves into his body for hugs when they see him when we walk into a club? i’m attractive in my own right and can even sing myself yet with him, he’s well dressed, handsome and very “innocent” around the crowds. I feel like i just disappear and become invisible. There are so many times the women come right up to our table and totally ignore me and talk directly to him saying how much they loved the song he sang or what a great singer he is. For me i get angry and insecure bec he can have his pick of woman. Jealousy is one of the more scarey emotions that need more skills to be able to deal with it. It literally is “fear of loss” and when men seem to do whatever they want, whenever they want…in their wrongness they turn it all around on the woman like we are the “crazy ones” surely, it’s NOT them right?



  30.  #30Bliss on March 7, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    So many posts that too can add my story too..

    I was never a jealous person, but I have become one since my man of 17years dropped a bomb shell a few years back he wanted out..

    Now I am very jealous of any friend, male/female.
    We are trying to work things thru, to no avail.
    He spends more time away with work, or watching sport with his mates.

    We have not been on a date or a romantic dinner in 3 years.
    The other week he went to a mates to watch footy , then just decided to go out later ( it was planned) and ended up at a pub where a female accquaintance was having her birthday. So he hung out with her for the night. Tried to keep it a secret from me, cause he wanted to help her celebrate her birthday and help make her night special.

    That make the green eye’d monster come out in me, like you would not believe, he buys them gifts, personal ones – jewellery perfume etc.

    I his partner of 17years and 3 children. He has never done that for me.

    I had just had my own birthday – a mile stone one and a hard one for allot of people. He didn’t buy me a gift or get me a card. Was grumpy the whole day of my birthday no kiss or hug, at the restaurant with my family he changes seats from sitting next to me to move across to the otherside of the table. It truly broke my heart.
    he went to bed at 8pm saying he was tired. The next night was New Year .. he like everyone else they saves themselves for this night and he went and partied hard with his friends …..



  31.  #31Holly on March 27, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I was looking at the jealousy issue and the stripper, becasue my boyfriend likes to flirt with other women and look at porn and go to strip clubs. At one time he joined a dating site from porn for a discreet relationship and I confronted him and he said you don’t understand. I did join it for free but not done anything. He just wants a sexual relationship right now because he things I am crazy with my jealousy, but I don’t feel cared by him and I have always had jealousy issues with all my men. I need help. Thanks. I just ordered the modern siren



  32.  #32Rori Raye on March 27, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Holly, Welcome – and here’s the thing. If you love yourself not enough – you will feel jealous of others for all kinds of things, and in romance, you will feel a sense of lack and jealousy all the time – and that feeling inside you, that push coming from old traumas and old behaviors – will ENSURE that you will ATTRACT and be ATTRACTED to men who will MAKE you jealous. You attract what triggers you most until you start to become aware of this pattern – and consciously practice being with men who do NOT make you jealous or constantly trigger the “same old things” (even if they’re ‘boring” at first.) Love, Rori



  33.  #33Holly on March 27, 2010 at 10:29 am

    You mean leave my boyfriend and find other men who don’t trigger my jealousy, but the comments I see if to really learn to love myself and do you recommend any program that would help? I think I also got reconnect your relationship program. I could relate with the other women’s comments about her man flirting with other women and his ex and says that I am crazy. He also looks at porn and goes to strip clubs. I feel he is very disrespectful to me. I can’t take this anymore. I feel like I am going to end up in the loony bin. I feel I attract the toxic men. I first have to love myself?



  34.  #34Rori Raye on March 27, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    Yes – you first have to love yourself. Then you’ll catch the red flags. Love, Rori



  35.  #35Holly on March 29, 2010 at 5:30 am

    You mean I need to love myself first and along iwth your programs I will see if my current my boyfriend is toxic and is not fixable and then leave him.



  36.  #36Ingrid on April 6, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Dear Rori:

    I found this thread and I am glad I did. I have struggled my whole marriage with feelings of jealousy, and it has just been lately that I totally let go of these feelings, with the help of counselors. Since my marriage to a totally gorgeous man, I always felt insecure everywhere we went, that women were staring at him, why? because he is sooooo damn handsome, that is why. If you saw my husband, you’d be floored he’s is so gorgeous, tall, dark and handsome. He makes me swoon still.

    BUT, he has some real deficiencies. And I have learned looks are not everything. Matter of fact, I have come to feel I’;d rather have a short, bald husband who adores me than a tall and handsome one who strays. I didn’t know this or even consider it when we married. And mind you I am not bad looking either. I am a tall Swedish blonde with a great figure, and I still get stares everywhere I go, which I HATE. I do not want to be stared at for my looks. I want to be appreciated for me, the me inside.

    I have finally gotten to the place where I really do not feel jealous anymore, like I used to. I guess it;’s cuz I finally have come to know it’s the person on the inside that counts the most. Their goodness, honesty, what they do for others, how they live their lives, that is the most beautiful, in the long run. Looks are nice, but they do not last. What you do, and now you live your life, is what matters. I have come to know this in my later years and now I don’t feel jealous at all, like I did before. Now I feel, if my husband wants to leave me for some stripper, let him. I feel confident anyway, hurt, yes, but secure in the way I choose to live my life. I know I cannot compete with some stripper with the perfect body, but I know now there are more important things in life than having the perfect physique. And I feel so happy about this.

    Thx to anyone reading this.

    God Bless~



  37.  #37Stacie on April 15, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Hi Rori, I’m in a situation where my boyfriend of about 3 months has some insecurity issues. He’s extremely jaded about women and must’ve been cheated on in the past. He thinks I can get any guy I want and always asks, “what are you doing with me?” He asks questions about every little thing, and every comment that a guy leaves me on my Facebook wall, he questions me. I always say nice things to him and reassure him, and he responds negatively like by saying “yeah whatever.” I try to use feeling messages, but everytime I try to talk about anything he thinks I’m starting drama and gets defensive. I even told him that it hurts me when I say nice things to him and he doesn’t believe me, and told him that he needs to become more secure or it’s going to start affecting our relationship. He immediatley got defensive and said that his ex called him insecure too and he’s not going to deal with that again. Everytime we argue, he threatens to leave me and says horrible mean things like, “have fun being single, go flirt with your guy friends.” I’m starting to see these red flags, but I’m already emotionally involved and would be so disappointed if it didn’t work out. I’m 32 and a single Mommy and don’t want to start over…again. He’s great and accepting of my son, and that’s hard to find. Plus we have great chemistry and passion and when it’s good, it’s really good. I can see myself having a future with him, but I need to get through to him that I’m not like his exes and I’m not going to cheat on him. So, how can I communicate feeling messages with a guy like him? He just shuts down anytime issues come up and he can be so mean. I feel like when i try to talk to him, it just makes us regress and pushed him away. Also, his insecurity makes me nervous b/c there are times when I’ve actually lied to him, not because I’m doing anything wrong, but if I even have contact with another man he gets jealous and it just starts a big fight. It’s not even worth it to tell him if I talk to a guy friend, but I hate lying. I feel like I would have to have NO guy friends to keep him happy. UGH, what do I do with this guy?!



  38.  #38Rori Raye on April 15, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    Stacie, Welcome, and you sound wonderful and this sounds unhappy. I truly encourage you to back away from him and let him know that it feels horrible to argue, and is there some way he’d like you to talk to him when something’s bothering you…I would NOT label him in any way – not as insecure, or troubled, or anything. The fact is, he makes you feel uncomfortable – and that’s just not the way it’s supposed to be. Especially so early in a relationship when everyone’s on their best behavior. By the way – men who’ve been cheated on have a dilemma – and you have one with a man who’s been cheated on – and it’s that he’s ATTRACTED to a woman who’s cheating on him . So it’s this love/hate, moth drawn to flame kind of thing. He’s angry, and yet that’s what he’s attracted to. Stay away from analyzing him, and just observe, be cool, see what happens when you stop thinking of him as insecure – just different from you. Love, Rori



  39.  #39Rori Raye on April 15, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    All – I’ve been meaning to put a teleclass/group coaching class together for my clients, so I just scheduled it in my calendar – next Monday evening, April 19th, 5:30 PDT/8:30EDT for 90 minutes, and wanted to let you know, too. I’ve put a page up for it here… http://www.coachrori.com/teleclass, and the button goes to Paypal. I’ll close down the signups at 10 women, because I wanted to work one-on-one with everyone (like in the old days when I was just getting started and did group coaching like you see in my program demos…). The class is called “What To Say To Him” and it will be all Scripting and Speeches – the kind of thing that works best in a group…If it works well and everyone likes it…I’ll consider doing one a month, or a 6 week class. (Oh – all the $ will be given to my favorite charity, Fund for Animals). Love, Rori



  40.  #40Gianna on May 11, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Ladies,

    I’ve been reading these posts for many months now, but this is my first. Whenever I need advice, an escape, or “companionship,” I come here. You all have helped me more than I can say. Sometimes you make me laugh, or groan with agreement, or roll my eyes because you are being silly and sometimes I forget my pain because your’s is so much greater. Thank you.

    This jealousy topic is so interesting to me. If I have no facts, but I feel it, am I crazy or is my intution amazing? I love myself enough to know that it may indeed be the latter. But, I’m wise enough to know it may be me lacking in self esteem.

    I am in a relationship. I don’t know if I want to save it. I’d like some advice on which or Rori’s programs to start first. I suspect Modern Siren so I can work on me first?

    Thank you for reading. I’m looking foward to hearing from you. (Oh, and maybe even from Rori herself?!)

    Gianna



  41.  #41Rori Raye on May 11, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Gianna, Welcome! I always say to start with the ebook – all the programs build from there…and I think everyone would agree that Modern Siren is the place to go next – though I really like you to go with Reconnect as soon as possible to understand the basic “steps” of the process we’re doing and how each program works on aspects of these steps…and “Targeting” is crucial if you’re going to Circular Date. I always tell my clients to get all the programs and forget about talking with me one-on-one! Much more cost effective and 24/7 available. Love, Rori



  42.  #42Ankita on July 7, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Aahhhh.. I feel jealous and it feels awful…..

    A NRI girl met Vishal on his way back India, and sent him a request on orkut, he told me all about her… I feel jealous whenever he talks to any other girl… I don’t like him talking to any other girl…..



  43.  #43Jeannette on July 7, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    You know what I feel jealous and angry, yes, ANGRY about. I am an older woman who takes good care of herself……yet, when I date men, oftentimes they look long and hard at younger women who are also attractive. I guess what bothers me is….I try hard to look good and all and yet they still seem to stare at younger women…..am I just dating the wrong men or am I just too insecure? I realize I am a somewhat jealous woman and I really want to get it behind me…



  44.  #44Ankita on July 7, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Jeannette

    i have read it by a expert, that when an attractive women passes by, it’s just natural for a man to turn his head and take a glance at her, and after that he should be back at you, if not, the he’s the wrong guy….

    You said they look at young ladies for a long time, why don’t you try feeling message such as, “I really feel bad when I’m out with someone and am not getting their full attention. I feel resentful and unappreciated. And I don’t like feeling that.”



  45.  #45Jeannette on July 11, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    Ankita, thank you for your words. I have said what you said I should say to men, but then I feel stupid and insecure….so I don’t always say it. I don’t think it when men just glance for a moment or two, I feel it when they stare and say something like, “Don’t they have beautiful hair?” I get jealous at that point. Maybe it’s because my hair is just fine and not beautiful I guess. I just want to know when it’s lust and when it’s just making a comment. Know what I mean?



  46.  #46Jeannette on July 26, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Guys, How do you keep a guy from getting jealous when you have grandchildren and you want to spend time with them too? Especially when the relationship is becoming potentially marriage material?



  47.  #47karla on August 16, 2010 at 10:10 am

    How does one change thier jealous behavior if your partner continues to do stuff to make you jealous?



  48.  #48Rori Raye on August 16, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    karla – What’s he doing? Rori



  49.  #49FinallyFern on September 11, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Rori,

    I need a little reassurance. I had been in a long distance relationship for 5 years. We would normally only see eachother each weekend. After years of stuffing down my feelings and doing the typical things you write about, overfunctioning then complaining etc, I finally let him have it. He has a wonderful knack of distorting the truth and somehow making me the guilty party and turning his lying and cheating around with his woe is me stories of me abandoning him in his time of vulnerability blah blah blah. Can you tell I reached my “what the heck am I doing with him point?”
    As the classic story goes, he of course was a charmer, and elaborate charmer with gifts and grand gestures. In fact early on during the 3 years that we were just friends cuz I did not want to be involved long distance, I often joked with him that I often felt like Cinderella. Once we got together we obviously both brought insecurites into the relationship with us and I do believe we fed off of eachothers until about a year ago, when I felt it was time to get real. I made consessions and excuses of why he secrelty kept his ex strung along. “Oh he is just afraid of being alone, he has lots of aquaintances and no real friends, he is lonely, he gets scared when he feels I am unhappy with him so he just goes to her so he wont hurt so much”. Do you believe this crap I was telling myself to try to convince myself that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Funny, even when I would try to confront him he would have a line that always felt like it distored my reality. Anyway, I took it for the last time recently. I let him play out his lies and kinda funny but he even downgraded the last one of why he couldnt be with me to an almost normal excuse. You’d die of either laughter of total disbelief if I told you and perhaps sometime I will when time permits. Anyway, the usual cycle happened, he comes up with bs story, I dont believe it and my defenses come up and I get cool, he uses that as perfect excuse to disappear for a few days, then comes back with all the Im sorry stuff….. but this time I just stopped myself. When he was feeding me his excuse, I told him that my instinct told me that somehow there would be a reason why we wouldnt be able to spend the time together. He of course reacted with how insulting that was to him for me to say that. Isnt it funny though that he never asked me why I felt that way? I stepped back and waited a few days before writing to him my feelings. Basically I told him, you cant have your cake and eat it to. You lied about your ex too many times. If she is willing to spend her life waiting in the wings for you to decide who you want good for her. I am not willing to play second fiddle to any man, not now not ever. I suspect at some point he will try to contact me and I do not want to get caught up in the “drama” again. I also, do not want to break the 4 rules so my question is this. Is it counter productive for me to call him out on all his crap, or in this instance, is my doing so just my way of FINALLY expressing that I will not tolerate being treated poorly anymore. Is there a better way for me to express that to ensure that I am heard and mean business? In my letter to him I admitted that I had made up excuses because I was afraid of facing the truth knowing once I did, I would have to act on the truth……. basically walk away. I need a bit of support to handle the potential for his onslaught. 🙂

    For any ladies reading this, I did go out last night for dinner with a male friend. I felt wonderful and beautiful. I dressed to the nines. In fact, it wasn’t only the man I was with who made me feel that way it was 3 women in their late 70’s at the next table who kept telling the man I was with how gorgeous I was and how stunning my long dress was. I am 46 and hardly gorgeous anymore but it was like you say, let the world give you love, and it will. I feel like I am in a pretty stable spot, but know that my feelings can change if I am worn down, so any support will be greatly appreciated.

    PS. I just ordered Modern Siren ( my third program). Do you think this is the best tool for me at the moment? I thought about toxic man also, but then I felt if I did that it was like putting more energy into fixing things with him and hoping he would change, and I am not sure if that is what I want anymore.



  50.  #50Rori Raye on September 11, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Welcome, Finally Fern – You sound fabulous, and thank you for your lovely comment – consider yourself reassured.. Love, Rori



  51.  #51FinallyFern on September 11, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Thank you Rori,

    I felt goosebumps as i read your reply. Does anyone have any thoughts on the difference between jealousy and unwilling to accept not feeling loved, cherished and adored any longer in a relationship. I do not feel jealous of his ex, “like oh she is so much more than me”. I feel angry that he keeps her on the “side” in case of emergency, like a spare key so that you never have to worry about being left out in the cold alone regardless of his actions and the obvious turmoil it caused in our relationship. But then again, maybe I enabled him to keep me off balance by being afraid to rock the boat and sharing real anger, hurt and pain during this roller coaster ride so I didn’t have to give up the good parts of the relationship.

    How do you stay on your bridge and not get drawn back in when/if the man comes back at you seeming so sincere?



  52.  #52Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Hello! Fern….I love this post and am glad you brought it up. I just want to welcome you and tell you to stick around and you’ll get lots of advice and support here. I think Rori would recommend circular dating – if you are “out there”…..you’ll naturally have a different vibe about you. Love the analogy of the spare key, and duly note the difference between feeling jealous and annoyed!

    talk more soon,
    Jacqueline



  53.  #53FinallyFern on September 11, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Hello Jacqueline,

    And thank you for the welcome. I did not see any of your posts on here. Is this a familiar feeling/situation for you?

    Looking forward to talking more.
    Fern



  54.  #54Jacqueline on September 11, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Fern – jump to the most current topic, everyone will be talking there. Old threads just kind of die….but if you wanna hear about me, omgosh, lol check out the third from most recent happiness and love stuff about 2/3 of the way down. I am a rebel I guess!

    Anyway, I hate the distorting your reality and the on the side but you are strong and you can do this or waste years of your life not doing it NOW.

    When I first posted Rori told me to consider my last relationship a TEN YEAR exercise in loving myself; I don’t want to see others in that exercise class with me!

    see you on the other thread….

    Hugs,
    J



  55.  #55Leida on September 20, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Hi Rory,

    thank you so much for all your coaching. You truly have made a difference in my life and the way I relate to men has drastically changed. I have the Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right I have been practicing your tools for a three months now and I feel very empowered as I am opening up more and loving myself more.
    I am readingthis post as my main problem is Jealousy. I am not a jeapous person in any area of my personal life. It does manifest itself in my romance, constantly. I know that it’s related to my past, grwoing up, to my marriage that ended 13 years ago and I knew my husband was unfaithful. I still attract untrusworthy men. The last guy that I went out with turned out to be married and I was attracted to him life oxygen and fire.
    Can you please guide me how to work with this through your tools so I can feel at ease and enjoy the company and love of trustworthy men – although I find them boring.



  56.  #56Rori Raye on September 21, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Leida, Welcome – and that’s your answer. To find out why good men are boring to you by dating them…Mr. Right may not be as electric as Mr. Wrong right off – but let the “right ones” grow on you …just keep Circular Dating…Love, Rori



  57.  #57Leida on September 21, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Thank you Rori. I had a feeling that’s what you would say. I need to trust myself more and seriously Circular Date. I started doing that a month ago and it was overwhelming because of what I started to feel. Which was good but I guess too much for me to handle. I was very happy though because I was able to FEEL I realized that a lot of time I numbed myslef out emotionally and physically. The sensuality tools from Modern Siren have been so great, I can’t explain it in words.
    I am back to Circular Dating this weekend. Now I am exited. I will keep you all posted.



  58.  #58Leida on September 22, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Today I feel confused, nauseous and may be resisting what’s happening – I guess this is good, but it will be better when it passes.

    There are two men closest to me right now. Mr. A that I work with and I started dating last year in May until November of last year. We still see each other daily at the Gym. And Mr. B that I met in traffic and asked to take me out in April – I was very attracted to him and he is totally toxic.

    Without boring you with details on these two relationships, my main concern is how my feelings and confusions are revolving with me as I see them, and how I am moving on to Circular Dating and may be leaving both of them behind.

    When I met Mr. A he was separated from his wife and seemed very interested in me but very reluctant into asking me out. I was leaning forward and that wasn’t helping. When he finally asked me out we went out had a great time and slept together. This was what I wanted. Now I know that it was premature because it started to feel like love when it wasn’t. Sex always eludes me but I just find it irresistible when I have chemistry with a guy and in this case I had been celibate for 9 months – that didn’t help.
    The relationship went on – nonetheless – I was constantly leaning forward. He is one of the most caring guys that I have ever met – he would have been boring to me if it wasn’t for the physical attraction that I had for him. After six months of going out and I was feeling relaxed (although doing much more than I should have) like never before, he finds out that his sister is sick with cancer. From that point on our relationship turned into a loveless and sexless relationship. We would see each other once a month and that was it. I was putting up with it but I was very unhappy…

    In April Mr. B showed up all of a sudden asking me out. I wouldn’t even have considered going out with Mr. B as I hadn’t broken up with Mr. A yet but this time I thought – I make my own rules here and I am done waiting. I started dating Mr. B but this time I was leaning BACK ahhhh that felt sooo good. He was pursuing me all the time and he was relentless. I felt like a Queen – and that’s’ what he used to call me. I was holding on to jumping to bed too soon this time as I wanted to enjoy being courted although I was so attracted to Mr. B that A felt like a never existed compared to this guy.
    In spite of all these good feelings and off the top chemistry – I knew that there was something wrong because Mr. B would avoid going out in public when we were near the area we lived – RED FLAG I asked around and I found out he was married.

    I was crushed – confused – disappointed. I started looking around for a tool for help as I knew it was me that had attracted him – I just didn’t know what to do to stop this madness. I found Rori’s Programs and ordered Modern Siren and Targeting Mr. Right started working with them right away. I felt like I had a structure that made sense – that wasn’t about being a doormat or a bitch but being authentic. I also have been practicing mediation for 10 years now so that was so in line with my practice. Love your programs Rori…

    At this point Mr. A has realized that when he says jump – I am not answering “how high?” and is pursuing me for a change. He even went so far as to tell me he wants to marry me and spend the rest of my life with me. That was BIG for a guy that was always holding back – and why shouldn’t he – I was doing all the work. I told him I think all this through as I felt hurt from his behavior and get back to him. ON HOLD

    I confronted Mr. B how he hadn’t told me that he was married and how he even dare ask me out and lie to me. I think it was wrong that I agreed to listen to his story. It’s easier when we figure out what’s happened and make him wrong and move on. But when we hear the reasoning, why he did it – it always makes sense and it becomed personal and intimate – it makes sense to them…

    I decided to circular date and get my mind off of both of them. Date 1 – Guy is very handsome – very boring – 10 years younger and I decided to call him “rice pudding sans cinnamon” Date 2 – Guy is disgusting – 10 years younger – just separated from his wife – NEXT Date 3 – Guy is disgusting – 10 years younger – never married – too many people that I knew he was related to – DONE

    As I was doing this circular dating I realized how much disconnected from my feelings I was when I was dating these guys. By Date #3 I was very connected – told him exactly how I felt and felt great about it. I also was grateful that Mr. Disgusting was capable of letting me open up and it was very easy telling him how I felt.

    Mr. A is still awaiting my answer. At this point I have decided to give him the No Girlfriend talk…I told him I had made the decision and we needed to talk. He never brought up the subject again…nor did he ask me to meet outside the office.

    Mr. B is getting more aggressive and pursuing me relentlessly as he can sense that I really like him and I am not strong enough to ignore him completely. I told him I was about to circular date and he got jealous.

    I ended up sleeping with Mr. B – I know, it was WRONG. I feel terrible about that. But I found out how NUMB I was in bed. I totally disconnected from this man and even other men that I have been physical with in the past. And this is related to the fact that I have been molested when I was a child. I thought emotionally I had dealt with that but never even been aware what was going on physically – thank you Rori for that too I told Mr. B – this doesn’t fell right and I feel numb so let’s never see each other again.

    Mr. A is still in my life but laid back and passive. I am letting him be. Mr. A continues to pursue me and I am busy going to meditation retreats and living at a Zen temple so I can’t circular date and also avoiding these other guys altogether. When I returned from the retreats I was so emotional and felt like my heart was wide open for anyone to see. I was in tears as all this pain from the past was releasing – I was feeling sorry for myself that I had been molested as a child that I had been in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. That the first date I had with my husband at the time high school sweetheart had been a date rape….all this was coming back and I was healing from it and seeing how far have I come from those dark gloomy days.

    Mr. B calls me the day I return from my retreat and wants to see me. I agreed. I wanted to see how I felt – I wanted to do away with his toxicity through being ME. We had intercourse again, this time I was more in touch physically and I was glad. I still didn’t enjoy it as – he is the wrong man. Afterwards he started asking me why I got divorced and I poured my heart out – all feeling messages without any blame I wept at one point as I did so. I could feel that he was regretting this entire thing and he didn’t call me until a month later – which was two weeks ago.

    Mr. A sees me every day at the Gym we workout, we talk like old friends but nothing more. Now I am going back to Circular Dating and I need to tell Mr. A what I have had in my mind for months. I wrote him and e-mail. I hadn’t initiated contact with him in a long time – but this time I gave myself permission as this was “my final” say. Here is goes:

    Hi Babe,

    Just have the need to talk to you and tell you things that have been wanting to say for a while. Sometime back you asked me if I had made a decision about our relationship and I told you that I had and we should meet and talk. After that, we never spoke about it again nor did we meet.

    The summer went by very quick, I was busy with classes and Zen training, after it was all done, I started medication so I haven’t gone out but just doing things for myself and spending time with family and friends.

    Now it’s time that I go and start dating but before I do so, although we never met to have our conversation, it would feel a lot better to me to tell you my feelings.

    We had a great six months together. I was very happy then, until one day things just stopped. The rest of the six months I felt alone and neglected. I know that you had reasons and a lot of issues at the time, but if that’s what happens to a couple in a time of crisis – I never experienced that. That to me was very painful and I did not deserve that treatment while it would have been more honest to communicate to me than just take me for granted.

    During this time that we have been apart, I am still to find a reason that if we got back together and there was a crisis, this would not happen again.

    I want to thank you for the great and sad times we shared together. If anything, I still love you and always will. There are a lot of things I leant from this relationship that have made better and stronger. I will never allow myself to be in a loveless and sexless relationship. I have been alone for about 13 years now; I am through with boyfriend and girlfriend crap. I will be nobody’s girlfriend, I will just date until I find someone that I will be madly in love and spend the rest of my life with – married. With that said, eventually I will be sexually exclusive with just one man that I feel attracted to but I will not stop dating until I get married.

    May be you are already dating and this is old news and it doesn’t interest you any more, but I had to tell you either way. I wish you the best of luck with everything. I hope you meet a lucky lady and make her happy.

    You are one of the great guys I have ever met – you are beautiful inside out.

    Love Always, Leida

    His Reply:

    Hi Leida,
    I am not dating anyone… nor do I have time. I understand every reason you giving.
    Don’t tell me about your dates etc… cause it will make me jealous.
    Stay my partner in the gym and at work.
    I thank you for pouring out your feelings, I know it was hard, but I am glad you did it.
    I don’t doubt you will find someone very soon… cause you know you are hot… you get asked out all the time…

    Count on me for every thing and any thing I will always be the for UUUU. When I get my apartment… you are welcome any time… even for you know… what… incase your alone… and really really need it… :),,,
    You are the bestest… A

    I decided to keep him as my boot call man. I don’t want to be driven by physical attraction to men as I Circular Date – so he could have this role for me unless he changes his stance.

    This e-mail happened yesterday. Mr. B called me last night. I really believe in our brainwave connection to the Universe. He said he wanted to see me to talk.

    I went out to see him. I started feeling queasy – the feelings I used to experience when I was dating my ex-husband but I always ignored them. I was exited to be in his company but really sad about the situation and his unavailability – I was confused. I told him all this – he could see it in my eyes. He said the reason he hasn’t contacted me in such a long time is because he doesn’t want to hurt me and make me feel like this. He wished I was happy to see him. The he continued to make small talk – brain conversation TRAP. I talked to him for an hour and I felt myself getting angry at him. I would bring up things about how despicable it is for people to cheat to their partners and I was so angry about it.
    We parted last night – he was disappointed at how the conversation had gone – I forwarded his number to my voicemail so my phone will not ring anymore when he calls me.

    I am still angry today. I am angry and so touchy that I snap. I hope I can deal with this – experience this so it does not control me any more – so toxic men do not get attracted to me any longer.

    I didn’t intend for this to be this long, but I needed to write it out. I appreciate your thoughts and comments.



  59.  #59Liz on October 3, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    I am so tired of being a jealous wife and I think my marriage is about to end over it. I get so jealous I get physically ill. I want help with this so bad and have no idea how to fix it. I am in therapy and my therapist just says “What do you gain from being jealous?” NOTHING. But how the heck do I repair myself. I feel broken, useless, at the end of my rope. I don’t know how to fix this anymore.



  60.  #60Rori Raye on October 3, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    Liz – if your therapist isn’t helping – you need POWER THERAPY – that would be hypnosis – try Virginia Feingold Clark, and EFT (Erika’s all about that with her HBR), Somatic Therapies – try Emily Van Horn, EMDR, Quantum Tracking, Rolfing…so many — unless he’s doing something to cause this – it’s all old, subconscious stuff – and TALKING about it isn’t helping you!!! I refer to the three peoole I listed here, and many, many more – and you can google those therapies and find practitioners EVERYWHERE!!!



  61.  #61Liz on October 3, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Thank you Rori. He isn’t doing anything to cause this and we have been married 15 years. The last year or so it has been this way for me and I have no idea why. Thank you for your suggestion and i will look into it. I really really need help.



  62.  #62Leida on October 7, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Hi Rory,

    I received your Toxic Men CDs yesterday and I listened to the first CD this morning on my way to work. The part where I went in the darkness to meet the hidden disowned part of myself brought me to tears, although I was doing all this with my eyes opened.
    I will definitely do it again, at home with my eyes closed.
    I was unable to give her a different name, but my own. She was sad, depressed, neglected but very powerful at the same time. Dressed in black, peaceful but also scared. I was scared too but much less then her. I held her in my arms and I broke in tears. I had missed her, she was longing for a hug.
    I could not tell her I am in charge as I just wanted to love her and I thought it didn’t matter.

    I am not sure whether I am doing it right. Any suggestions when I try again.

    Thank you sooo very much for these wonderful tools.



  63.  #63dolce on October 15, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    I get so jealous, that it hurts to a point where i feel like I wanna stop breathing even when he talks about his child because I dont think I can give him one!! nor will he love my child as much i I do…how can I ignore him even if I love him so much?

    thanks



  64.  #64Rori Raye on October 16, 2010 at 9:12 am

    dolce – welcome – and you’re not going to like this – but I’m so glad you showed up here so I could say this to you – you can go one of two ways – on a spiritual journey where you read lots of books and get some therapy and take classes (your personal equivalent of Eat,Pray,Love), and really work on your own issues that are binding you up and pushing him an love away – or you can keep going the route of tightening your body and heart and trying to “figure out” the fear. I say the first option is where you want to go – and start Now. Love, Rori



  65.  #65brandy on November 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    this is like really getting to me cause i just had a fight with my bf and it was really sad cause he liked my friend and while i was dating him he was dating my friend secretly and that made me so freakin mad and its like he tore us apart (me and my best friend) well used to be best friend anyways this other boy asked me if i wanted to go out with him but he is like i dont know unlikeable and like but he is so funny what do u think that i should do?!:)



  66.  #66cassie on November 5, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    i love u!:)



  67.  #67cassie on November 5, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    this is so cool it is like facebook but without all of the do u like this and that stuff ttyl byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:)



  68.  #68brandy on November 5, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    hey any body knows how to change your picture for this thing?!:)



  69.  #69Dorthie on December 31, 2010 at 10:22 am

    It’s been over 3 months since the end of my ‘Cougar’ relationship that lasted only 3 1/2 mos. He was 16 yrs younger than I….He swore he loved me and would never leave me. We live in such a small town and I see him most everyday. He has to drive by my house to get to his. Seeing his truck turns me inside out…Part of me fantcising about him, the other part wondering what *b@1%* he’s f-ing now….and what I would do to her when I find her. Mind you, I have NEVER been in a cat fight and don’t plan on starting now, but it’s still TORTURE and I can’t figure out how to quit doing this to myself. ugh



  70.  #70Rori Raye on December 31, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Dorthie, Welcome – and I encourage you to vent and journal here – learn riffing – get those here who are great at riffing (Daria’s got it nailed…) …and yet – I want you to see that venting is not reflecting the reality of what’s out there. It’s your inner world…which, as you clean it up by working with it starts to attract much better things out THERE…but the fact that this relationship did not work is not a real thing you need to keep holding onto. Moving on is the name of the game, here – that’s where your focus should be. Love, Rori



  71.  #71shayla on January 4, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    i need to ask you something . me and my boyfriend have been dating for 5 months since yesturday and we have been constently around each other since day won . we moved in with each other after a month of knowin each other cause of my family problems but anyway for the past three weeks we have been fighting and it feels like we are just trying to find reasons to fight . i get really jeoulse all the time when he looks at other chicks and i always shut him out . . today is my birthday and he proposed to me but im scared that if i say yes then we will just fight more please help me i dont no what to do and i really love him .



  72.  #72Rori Raye on January 5, 2011 at 12:21 am

    shayla – fighting is useless. You have to get a hold of yourself. Get my ebook and learn how to communicate without fighting. It’s just your fear of intimacy – and it’s working way against you. Love, Rori



  73.  #73Lisa T on January 19, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    I am new to this, I had ending a 7.5 year relationship and it is still going. I had issues and reading from you articles I have discovered alot about myself. And things I need to work on. The man that I have been involved with is 15 years younger. 50-35. We had a date set to be married and he got cold feet, I accepted that, then asked him again when he thought we could be married, he response was I don’t know. After awhile the anger built up inside of me and I took day by day hoping he would commit. Finally it was driving me crazy, I just told him I needed my space, it would last for about 1 – 2 week of my space, then he would call and we would talk. I had taken the ring off feeling like it wasn’t going anywhere. We had our big long talk and the last hundred we had, and he decided one day that he just had to let me go. Devastated. With the anger building up inside me it just pushed him away. We both worked long hours but I felt that if he wanted to see me he would come see me. I guess that was wrong. We are trying to work thru this, but I don’t have a connection of that we are back together. Meanwhile when he told me he had to let me go it wasn’t fair to me that he couldn’t make a committment. About 3 – 4 years ago he had been just “Friends” with this woman. I somewhat had met her before and we had issues with it of her phone number his his phone. They were just friends. Needless to say they occasionally call each other on the phone, at that time she was in a relationship and he was with me. Meanwhile, about 1 month before he dropped the bombshell she ended her relationship with her man because he drank and would marry her.(understandable). Then my man felt he just needed to do the right thing and let me go. So as days went by and he was still calling I had false hope and he was basically becoming better friends with her. I believe it was just a friendship at first, where each one could confide in each other and he felt really lonely. But he was still in love with me. that was all he talked about was me to her. During this time I had no idea he was seeing some. In his mind they were just friends, Friends that kissed and held hands. Finally I had found out about it. He couldn’t handle it. His heart is numb and mine is also. We had really really long talks after all this came out. He decided he just wanted to get himself straight where he could think and find himself again and then go from there. I can understand that, we agreed upon that. Meanwhile he said he would break it off from her. He still has to see her once a week due to the activity that are in. I assume that all he would be doing is seeing her once a week. I had asked him if he has talked to her lately and he says that she texts and calls him everynow and then and he calls her. I told him that it made me angry and jealous and I feel he shouldn’t need to call her. I told him I can’t tell him who he can talk to and be friends with, it doesn’t seem right. He doesn’t want me to communicate with other men, so why can he talk to her. Now I have this issue in the matter and the jealousy is not good. He is a good christain man, and I was his first love. I think his thinking is messed up right now. But the false hope he was giving me was not right, deep in his mind he figured it it didn’t work out with her he would still have me. He has a very important job that he will be working long hours for the next 3 months, so he said to both of us (her and I) that he couldn’t be in a relationship until the end of April. At this point he is calling I try to not call him but it is hard. If thing really work out for us I still have the jealousy issue. So, in a nut shell is it proper for him to keep the friendship relationship with her on the telephone basis and seeing her once a week. she lives about 50 miles away so she is not in town. I feel that we are really still in a relationship but no connection of being boyfriend/girlfriend. I now you talk about the circle dating but I really can’t do that, I do need to love myself again and I might flirt but for me to talk to another man and be his friend to me doesn’t seem right. I really love this man, and wanted to be married to him. Now he has to work thru the hardness of his heart first and let me back in, this is what he told me. I really want things to work. So she is also willing to wait out the storm. I feels that he has a good friend on one hand and a friend/lover on the other and it will tear him apart to make a decision at the end of April. One thing in this relationship is I can’t have anymore children, she
    can, she is younger. He just hates hurting people, but he has hurt me for a long time. I would like to order the reconnect with your relationship. Hoping that will help.
    I guess I need suggestions. boy do I.



  74.  #74Stacy on January 26, 2011 at 8:54 am

    Rori,

    I am 35 and still can’t figure out how to get in touch with my emotions. I’ve started to write them down but I still feel dead inside when I don’t express it to the person I need to express it to. My husband left me for another women & has told me that he loves me & thinks I was the perfect wife and even tells the other women that. I have been trying to keep the love alive with him but he keeps saying he is confused about who he wants to be with. We’ve been married for 15 yrs and after awhile I just gave up on expressing my anger or excitement. I can only express tears. I am a very logical person but I am not finding any logic in any of this is I am panicking at the thought that I am losing him. I struggle whether I should still tell him I miss him and tell him my feelings or if I should just back up. I have tried the stepping back before and becoming happy with myself but as soon as I hear from him, I’m starting all over again. Please explain to me what I’m doing wrong!



  75.  #75sherry on February 5, 2011 at 10:54 am

    In my situation ..he is the jealous one and is busy watching me to see if I am looking at other men. Even though I am not..for example ..we are out to eat..I see movement and look that direction and its a man I get the 3rd degree …it makes me very angry and I don’t know how to handle it. Any suggestions?



  76.  #76Pamalam on February 5, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Sherry,

    I think the place to start is identifying how his jealousy makes you feel. Picture, in your mind, the exact situation that you just described…what are you feeling in your body and in your heart. Identify the emotions. Also, ask yourself what you want. Do you want a jealous man? Do you want a trusting man? Do you want a confident man? What do YOU want?

    From there, you can formulate a speech to help you deal with this situation. Would love to hear what you come up with!



  77.  #77Fiona on February 7, 2011 at 3:23 am

    I’m not sure what to do. I have been married to my husband for 15 years. Together for almost 17. We have 1 adult son and 1 teenage daughter. For the past 10 years he has worked away 3 wks work and 3 wks home. Last year he accepted a new job in a remote country 5 wks away and 3 wks home. Last year when he let me use his laptop, ‘yahoo messenger’ popped up & it was his childhood female divorced friend. I was curious & looked into it further. There was a conversation that he had with her while he was travelling home. It had things like him: “maybe you should give me a massage’ and see my big ‘di*k’ . I was shattered. I was speechless, I showed him what I found then I just had to leave. I drove for a long time. Thinking, do I really know him? One of the issues was that she lives in the city he had to travel through all these years. When I finally came back home, he said that it was just a joke, and that he thought I wouldn’t care. I cried & cried it still hurts to this day. We have always shared each other email passwords etc… With this new job he received a new work email. Just before he came home for Christmas last year I decided to check if he had any other interests besides work. One name stood out a lot, so I decided to look a little further. I found numerous emails to one of his divorced co-workers. Always my husband initiating the conversations. Things like ‘I’m bored’ When will you be heading home? of he would say to her when he was coming home ‘I don’t even know why I want to go back’ promising to send care packages to her. Some of the emails were dated when he was home with me. He was even sending pictures of himself. For years he has always spent a lot of time on the computer when he was home. I never questioned it, because I felt as though he deserved to relax. Now I wonder what he was doing all that time on the internet sometimes he would go straight on when he woke up & times he would stay up till after midnight on it. I couldn’t help but to be jealous… he only emails me if I send him one, and then it will just say ‘love you too”. I could clearly see that this woman is on his mind more than me his wife. He also invited her on facebook & was messaging each other. The facebook I couldn’t handle, now she was part of his personal life/pictures/ friends/ family. I asked him if he would delete her as a fb friend. He did but he let me know that he was not happy about it. Said that I was over reacting & there was nothing to worry about. I explained to him that he is only home for about 1/3 of the year & he is around her more. She has more access to him than me. I’m never able to call him at work, he has to call me. When he does call me it’s around 6 pm. He doesn’t talk to me very long. Say’s he has stuff to do and that he wants to go to bed early. I told him a few days ago that I have been very lonely lately & asked if he would accept a job where he could be home every night. [It’s been 10 years] He said that he is happy where he works and that he wouldn’t like that. He also told me that I should be glad he is so friendly with this other woman because she makes him happier. He admits that he flirts with her & she does back. When he deleted her from fb friends she emailed him demanding ‘What happened to facebook! I was trying to message you back!. His response was, ‘It’s a long story, but I will tell you later’ this hurts me deeply. As I have asked him to not talk to this lady about our marriage. Yet he said that he was going to tell her that it was causing marriage problems because she is so pretty. So now I have just pushed them closer. Now they will be discussing personal issues. Since I confronted him I feel unwelcome in my own home. He said he was thinking of going back to work earlier. So that he could get away from me. That would mean he would be near her. I said if it meant that much to him to get away from me I would rather move out than him go back. I also told him that he doesn’t have to call me anymore when he’s at work. This seemed to make him happier. I can’t talk to him about my feelings, he gets angry & has gotten more sneakier on the computer. I dont’ know what to do. I think my husband loves this other woman & is has much closer relationship than me. He doesn’t think he’s cheating because it’s not physical. I can’t stop crying… It’ getting harder to hide,,, I had to call work & tell them I was sick because my eyelids were so swollen. If he sees me crying he get a disappointed look on his face, like I’m a bad person. Please help…



  78.  #78Pat on February 12, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I have the opposite issue. I am too trusting or just just plain blind. My first two committed relationships both cheated on me. However, now that I’m in a third committed relationship, he’s the one that is jealous.
    The pattern is me being at his side and everything is great. If I don’t go to him and take care of my needs, like sleep or something like that, his mind wanders and he turns into the green jealous monster. Always, apologizing the next day and of course I forgive him. I clean up my phone by deleting calls, messages, and emails in order for my phone to work more effectively. By doing this, he believes strongly I do this because I have something to hide.

    Everything else in the relationship is GREAT! However, I won’t move forward and he can’t move forward (okay maybe he won’t either) until this trust issue is dealt with. I have told his he is choosing to not trust. He is choosing to sabotage himself and our relationship. I have always been honest and upfront with him. He comes clean with me after-the-fact.

    I have invested my heart and soul with him! My instinct is to let him go. However, I also hear in my head and from my mom “Be patient, all relationships take work and time”. Just how long should I continue to have my heart broke?



  79.  #79jenni on February 19, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Hi, I am very pleased to say I have read the ebook and followed Rori’s suggestions! On NYE I met a wonderful man who is very attentive, always contacts me, has even given me keys to his flat already!

    I had Rori’s advice in my head and tried to do everything plus be myself…..it was hard but I am now a ‘love myself’ woman, who is confident and happy!

    Now, no one is perfect, we know this and I have never been a jealous or posessive person……I rise above it.
    However, he is a very friendly character and chats to women on facebook…..the dreaded website! This is done openly but some seem to interprete his friendly banter as he is interested and start flirting! He does reply to this in a sort of tongue in cheek flirt, which is his way………but I am finding this hard to deal with.
    It has made me feel insignificant as though he is a single man and I dont mind him being ‘friendly’ with them but there is a boundary!
    Should I let this go or do I talk to him? I dont want an outcome……just to let my feelings be known and then let be whatever happens!
    I also am not sure when you should talk about how you feel or am I being petty. Please help!
    Slight confused, as in all other aspects he is wonderful and treating me like a goddess!



  80.  #80Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:07 am

    RE 79 Jenni would you be open to explaining how he treats you like a Goddess?



  81.  #81jenni on February 19, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Hi Femininewoman,

    Yes I would love to explain………..

    He contacts me regularly on a daily basis via texts and telephone calls, wants to see me whenever he is free, takes me out and pays, he cooks for me. When I stay at his, he makes me coffee, I dont lift a finger…..not even making the bed!
    He compliments me, confides in me, introduced me to all his friends, his boss and wife and even his Mum!
    He never used to let exes into his close circle this soon, Rori’s ways and feeling messages seem to make him open up!
    So this friendly, bordering flirty behaviour has disappointed me really! Either its a way of getting me to react??? As I have been leaning back alot but feeling good about that! Or, he just cant see any harm in it and to him its having a laugh with a member of the opposite sex!
    I do believe if he knew it upset me he would be shocked!
    I am surprised at my own feelings but will have to do something because it is bothering me!!!



  82.  #82Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Don’t understand the wife comment,is he married?
    Might he be shocked because you have not set up any boundaries around that?



  83.  #83Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Jenni every one else is at the current post at the link below. you might wish to go over there where others can comment on your situation.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-to-do-with-an-imaginary-relationship/#comments



  84.  #84jenni on February 19, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Thanks Femininewoman,

    The wife is his bosses wife…….not his lol :))



  85.  #85Femininewoman on February 19, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Oh great to hear. It seems from what you write though that things are going good. It also seems that you could learn from what Rori teaches about focussing on yourself. It might be just that you are in a place where you want more and don’t know how to go about asking for it. Read as much as you can around the blog and ask questions. I am sure someone will get to you. But you need to write on the most recent article comments.



  86.  #86rosie ferrer on February 22, 2011 at 8:42 am

    hi rori,
    im having so much problem about this jealousy now. im a 2nd wife my husband still married to the 1st one. i had 2 daugthers before i got married to him and he knows all about it. im away from my kids for 6 years already now, he promised that he’ll bring my kids here with me. staying with him and now we have a 4 year old son. he’s own kids are all grown up and have their family of their own. i feel that everything for me is so unfair… im away from my kids at their very young age while my husband can see his anytime he wants. i talk to him about it so many times about how i feel but nothing happen. i did suggest to take my kids and live with us but so many excuses… the studies of the kids it will be difficult for them… i did ask him straigt is it the real issue or your shy that people will know that i have a kids of my own. he said no and there is no problem with him. now i insisted i want them here with me. did not tell him but now i dont care what ever is his excuses.



  87.  #87annette higgins on March 12, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    hi Rori,hope your doing well!my life is a est and i hope you could help me to fix it .my fiance and i live far apart and i and i use to believe and trust in him not matter how i feel,all of a sudden this feelings has changed,and my life is so unhappy, i really love and care for him and dont want to loose him,please help me. love annette.



  88.  #88exci on March 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    thank u so much Rori, ur my IDOl! i love u



  89.  #89Christal on March 30, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    Good afternoon Rori,

    Although some of the men I have dated really did do some unsavory, jealousy-causing things, I realized recently that it wouldn’t matter if they did nothing wrong at all, as soon as their attention is on another woman for even the most innocent reason, I’m jealous. I don’t know whether this is just insecurity or because men cheat all the time on amazing women that there is just no hope of avoiding it. I’ve seen a few of your programs but I just don’t know how I am going to get past this. Acknowledging my jealousy doesn’t seem to be working. Feeling it just makes me feel bad (I end up having an internal rant about specific situations that make me feel bad). What am I doing wrong?



  90.  #90Beautiful on April 19, 2011 at 1:12 am

    Oh this is a difficult issue for me. I feel sooo jealous of the women my man sees at work. He’s a massage therapist – works at both at an upscale Spa and in his own private room at his house. With other massage therapists and beauty practitioners. Has clients, frequently the beautiful women, who take off their clothes for his magnificent touch.

    He spends all day (sometimes til midnight) at this job – very proud of how appreciative his clients are for his skill. Comes home to me for actual sex. But doesn’t ‘set the scene’ the way it is at the spa. I feel that his massage experiences are more beautiful than his sex experiences.

    I can’t tell him to quit his job. He needs money and that’s what he trained to do long before he met me. But I suffer with Jealousy, anger, insecurity because of it.



  91.  #91Annalisa on April 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have been in this relationship (mostly an email, phone and text one) for 2-3 months with this guy who seems a lovely man and differently from the other ones I dod not start ‘dating him’ because i felt chemistry.
    We only met twice and he seemed so interested and loving to want to meet me again.
    However it always feels he’s trying to prolong this email contcts rather than the real ones, and I am a little tired of that, I would like a real relationship, though he talks about us as in a ‘relationship’…. I am a bit confused.
    I also noticed in some of his emails bits of conversation he did not start with me, but he seemd to carry on with me and I got suspicious that he was in other ‘relationships’…of his sort maybe or more. So I asked him and he offered me his honesty and told me that he feels I am always detecting small things that may hide secrecy and deceit even if they are not there, and that my jealousy is putting him off. So he’s asked me for a period out of our ‘relationship’ (we never even kissed yet!) to think it out properly. He also said he was seeing other women but that our ‘relationship’ was the one that was progressing mostly, and that he feels a connection.
    After 3 months we talked on the email or text every day and evening, he has now disappeared for at least 4-5 days….
    I am very confused and do not know what to do to either forget about him or get him back. Also I am feeling guilty about letting him know about my doubts that he was seeing other women (which he confirmed. i told him I felt hurt and confused….he said he’ll consider it…but he has now disappeared.
    Please, I need some help.

    Lots of love
    Annalisa



  92.  #92Beautiful on April 25, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    Dear Annalisa ~
    I get confused with this sort of stuff too.
    I recently discovered a new singer, Joy Shannon, who has lyrics in one of her songs:

    is love a woman who can do nothing but cry
    and truth a woman who can do nothing but lie
    there and wait
    wait to be noticed, wait to be loved
    wait ‘til all the men see she’s who they dream of

    made me wonder – do other women also have unreasonable jealousy – wanting all the men to be dreaming of HER? of ME? I know it’s unrealistic – to think that a man would immediately have no other relationships as soon as Our connection begins – but that’s how I Feel.

    I don’t know what to do with that feeling though.
    I wish someone could relate to the problem that I wrote about in the comment just above yours.



  93.  #93Annalisa on April 26, 2011 at 12:46 am

    Dear Beautiful, why don’t you go to ee him at the spa and book a massage with him? Right setting and experience him that way, so you might make peace with the jealousy and see if something new happens to you both…..
    just a suggestion
    take care
    Annalisa



  94.  #94Annalisa on April 26, 2011 at 1:47 am

    Dear Rori,

    regarding my message yesterday on my jealousy patterns and the fact that it was putting off my ‘potential’ partner: he is a decent man and is also a counsellor, so able and trained to listen. I did not feel I could be ‘his rubber band’ at the moment, because his withdrawing was due to his doubt and he explained it to me. So I sent him the following feeling message:

    Hi ….,

    it’s been quite a few days since we spoke last or emailed each other, and I have also been reflecting quite a lot on our last few exchanges. However I feel I miss you.
    I thank you for pointing out my ‘suspicion patterns’ and my vulnerability, that possibly come from my past experiences: I am facing this in my toughts and in no way did I want to make you feel uncomfortable. I am facing them with my coach too and I can only learn from this. I don’t want to make myself feel wrong on this, I would rather embrace my vulnerability and work with it to leave it behind as I no longer need it, and I am glad you told me how you felt.
    I can also understand that you feel I am taking things slowly, perhaps too slowly. I felt we were in agreement to have some time to get to know each other. Mainly I feel we have built a relationship based on emails and texts rather than in person, and I so long to have a real relationship and not an imaginary one. Time can be found and I feel ready for it.
    However, I’m not looking to concentrate my attention on a specific man, but on what I am looking for: i.e. a close relationship based on openness and profound communication without being scared of showing vulnerabilities which we all have. I feel good spending time with you, but I am not sure on where you are just now with your needs and thoughts. And so, though I’d like to still see you if you feel the same, it feels so much better to also keep my options open and not be exclusive with anyone, which means that I will also date other men until I have found what I am looking for.
    Take care … xx

    Now though, I feel that the ‘rubber band’ work starts. So he has to respond and come back to me…. if he doesn’t then he’s not the man I am looking for.

    What do you think?
    Love
    Annalisa



  95.  #95Beautiful on April 26, 2011 at 7:34 am

    Oh Annalisa ~ I think your response is beautiful. Mentioning “vulnerability” and “a real relationship…not an imaginary one” really opens the door to the sort of love that we find with Rori’s tools. And you go on with such strength. I’m so impressed.

    I hope you’ll let us know how it turns out ~ Beautiful



  96.  #96Brittany on May 12, 2011 at 4:45 am

    I’m not really sure if all of this fits the jealousy category, but here it goes anyway:
    Dear Rori,
    I have been in a relationship for 2 years now with a great guy. There were some problems in the past because of my insecurity issues. He and I have been going to separate colleges for the past year now, and we’ve had our rough spots. For example, I was having a lot of insecurities about other girls, and thinking that he would find someone better than me. Those feelings have subsided, and I’ve been doing a lot of work with that. One thing that has helped is now the two of us have started to take up religion. We also decided to wait to have sex again until we are married (don’t worry there is still a lot of passion there, because we’re still all over each other = P). Another thing that helped was any of his friends, and some girls from his school that he knew and talked to came up to me and would tell me how much he talks about me, and how I’m the love of his life and his “dream girl”. That definitely made me feel much better. However, I still have questions and doubts and I was wondering if you could help me a little. First thing is, showing affection. Can I show affection first at any time? I know in the newsletters it says to let him “row the boat”, and I do, and then he complains that I don’t ever show affection first. So..I’m confused? And, I don’t necessarily know if I’m “connecting his heart”. I mean it seems like I am because he’s in love with me, and shows it, but I don’t know what I’m doing right? Am I thinking about it too much? I’m confused! Another thing is that, though my jealousy and insecurities have subsided (which was the core to a lot of our problems), I still find some things inappropriate. For example, he has a couple of female friends at college. Which is fine, I trust him completely. However, I was a little bothered by a picture of him hugging one of his female friends. I guess he just kneeled down to hug her to say goodbye because he was leaving and it was her last day, and everyone thought it was funny because he’s 6’10, and she’s under 5 feet tall, so they decided to take a picture. Now in the beginning of our relationship I became upset with him because of a picture that he was in with another girl where he was kind of hugging her too. I said that that was crossing boundaries, and I didn’t like it. He understood, and said he wouldn’t do it again. He hadn’t done since, until now. I told him how I felt about it, and he said he would “keep that in mind”. Then I told him that I hope he understands, and he said “we’ll talk more about it tomorrow”. Then I said “well there’s nothing more to talk about, you already said it wouldn’t happen again”, and he said, “I never said that”. So..I’m just confused. What should I do? I DO NOT want it to happen again! How do I let him know that it is off limits and completely unacceptable without being demanding and/or pushing him away? Help!
    Brittany



  97.  #97Beautiful on May 12, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Hi Brittany ~

    This is an issue for me – always has been – so I relate to what you write. It’s so cunfusing – this hugging thing (as is my massaging thing!). I don’t think it’s appreciated for putting our guys into ‘straight-jackets’, like they can’t function smoothly/comfortably because of us. People do hug friends, they do have close relationships (intimate talks) with close friends. Just like we do. I know I talk with my friends (who I also hug) about my guy. Also about things that they want – because I care about my friends. It would feel real weird, I would lose my real close friendships, if I had to suddenly put up walls/boundaries that I can’t do ‘close’ stuff with them anymore.

    Even though I do this stuff with my friends, sometimes even past midnight, it’s my guy that I want, yearn for, desire, even talk about with my friends.

    Still, I feel
    aghk
    like I’m stopped in my tracks,
    sometimes even very very angry,
    hurt, sad
    because I leave my guy to have a normal life.
    To have other people (including aghk aghk) women in his life.

    I appreciate that he’ll reach for my hand when his friends are there. Or that he’ll talk freely about them to me (although that one always sparks my questioning/jealousy). I know I’m not being reasonable, so I guess it’s because of me, my own insecurities and fears. Not because of what he’s doing.

    But what to do with that? The feeling is still there. The shocking fantasies….
    I’m currently Trying to ‘feel my feelings’, ‘drop down and ‘move the water’ ‘ as Rori says. But I don’t know. It does get me through the time. So I can get to the next event – in which I might be told by one of his female friends about how glad she is that he has me to love. Certainly better than fighting over it or trying to put him into a straight-jacket.

    I don’t want to feel jealousy. I want to feel love. I’m glad to be writing to you because it just reminded me of Rori’s ‘Soup’. She says that in order to feel one emotion, you have to be willing to feel them all.

    I’m in it! I’m finally there. Finally allowing myself to feel my jealousy/insecurities. I hope you’ll tell me how it works with you – tell me what you end up doing and feeling. It’s scary to do this alone. To allow myself to be in situations that can feel bad.

    Beautiful



  98.  #98Beautiful on May 12, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Do we Always have to express ourselves to our guy?
    Do we always have to Say what we’re feeling
    in order to get the love-connection from him.
    Or is it enough sometimes to just feel our feelings.
    To feel the jealousy again each time it comes up,
    and then, feeling it, to see if it has any substance?



  99.  #99Brittany on May 13, 2011 at 6:54 am

    So, if I feel the jealousy, do I have to tell him about it? I mean, Rori says that we can’t hide our feelings from our man because it makes things worse. So, I’m confused! AAHHH hahaha…



  100.  #100Ann on June 13, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    So, I know this really nice guy from a work-related context. We only see eachother in that context, and not too often. We have no romance, but his boss recently called me and accused me of stuff, stalking him, etc. She was frothing at the mouth. I was in shock. He and I never went out together or anything. I’ve been to his workplace, but it’s a place where I have every right to be. His boss is trying to keep me from having access to him while not actually forbidding me to come to the workplace. Her take is that she’s enforcing company policies. But we haven’t done anything, so how could we have violated policies? Some people suggested she has a “thing” for him. But none of them have any way of knowing. He’s not my boyfriend, but he’s a kind and sweet person and I don’t want him or me hurt by this.



  101.  #101Ann on June 13, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    PS. My question is, is she jealous? I’m not. I know you guys don’t have all the answers to this but thanks in advance for any encouragement.



  102.  #102judy williams on June 14, 2011 at 7:21 am

    IVE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 2 YEARS BUT BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS
    HE HAS MOVED OUT OVER 15 TIMES NOW OVER STUIPED STUFF HOUSE TOO CLEAN I MOWED GRASS TOO SHORT I TRYING TO CHANGE HIM IM JEALOUSE OF HIM LOOKING AT WOMEN AND HE SAYS HE DONT AND I SEE HIM AND THEY CAN BE RIGHT INFRONT OF ME AND I SEE EVERYTHING SHE HAS AND HE SAYS HE SEEN NOTHING HE HAS LIED TO ME ABOUT STUFF THAT IS SO STUIPED LIKE WHEN HE IS NOT WITH ME WHERE HE WENT LIKE STORE HOW DO I TRUST HIM BELIVE HIM AND NOT TO WORRY ABOUT HIM LOOKING AND BLAMING HIM OF CHEETING CAUSE HE DID GO BACK TO HIS EX THE FIRST TIME HE MOVED OUT I NEED HELP PLEASE



  103.  #103Elisa on June 16, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    Hi everybody… so mine is a different kind of jealousy? or maybe something else entirely… my boyfriend and I haven’t seen each other for two days or so because he’s been working all day and then he has classes some nights and I study all day too, so we have different schedules… so i would expect that the moment he has free time, and hasn’t seen me for a while he’d call and come see me instead of going for a beer with his coworkers or classmates… and it’s not the first time it happens.. and i get jealous that he’d rather spend his one free night with them instead of coming to see me… as I’m writing it, it sounds like a little spoiled girl’s complain… but it’s what I would do if I had free time, I’d go see him.. and I have no idea how to talk to him about it or what to say…

    Hopefully someone can help me with this :s

    Love

    Eli



  104.  #104Beautiful on June 16, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Hi Eli ~
    Yours seems easy to me. I guess that’s because it’s not mine 🙂
    I simply see “I feel” messages as your answer. Simply to say to him, without demands or expectations – simply say how you Feel. If he says he’s going out with his other friends, you could say “Oooooh. I feel jealous.”



  105.  #105Beautiful on June 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Let us know how it goes, Eli



  106.  #106Beautiful on June 16, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    and I agree – I would wonder why he doesn’t want to see Me when he finally could.



  107.  #107Beautiful on June 16, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    I’m sorry Judy, but it is possible.
    Are you willing to live with that? I do.
    My guy says the past is past, says that it’s over between him and his ex, but also says that he still loves her. But that they can’t live together, that they can’t get along.

    I figure that grown-up reality isn’t storybook. I feel like this is all there is – people with previous people in their lives – people who love their other friends (and maybe even the mother of their children).

    We have our own relationship. And there are some people in my life that make him jealous – he’s told me that. That he loves me and I really do believe him.

    But I wonder if he will choose to change his living situation some day – I wonder if he will make a commitment to someone else. And he wonders about that with me.

    And in my mind, I imagine that I would always want to be with him – I imagine that I would never choose to look elsewhere. But I’m over 50 years old. And I know that, well, yes – my focus has changed since I started this dating stuff over 30 years ago. That men who I thought I would always want forever, well….. Now I do not care at all about them. Now I want my Man of today.

    Unless we have an argument.
    Hence afraid to speak my mind sometimes.
    But that’s not the path for me to feel Love – which is what I’m more interested in than to chain my man to me (and it would be chaining me to him too).

    So I choose to live with it.
    But there have been times, like after an argument, that I would say, like – hey, what do I need This for? It lasts though because we I really connect with him – really speak my heart. And the jealousy part? Well, it is there. I do feel it. Sometimes.

    Beautiful



  108.  #108pamela on June 20, 2011 at 9:38 am

    I feel lost in my relationship.
    I have been married for 9 yrs with 3 girls to a normally wonderful man. I found out 6 weeks ago he was having an emotional affair with one of his employees. I found out, he blew up and wanted a divorce saying i smother him and he thinks i hate him. well we worked it out after a few “come to jesus” meetings. things have gotten better. He instigated a no contact outside of work with her. but guess what thanks to online text checking i found out he text her twice 2night and then called for 5 min
    update… he keeps calling her. we went on a date and had a wonderful time but he wont leave her alone. yesterday before our date i found her headband in his car… while we were cleaning it out 2gether. i told him throw it away and instead he stuck it in his drawer. I went in and chopped it into pieces and left it in the drawer. i found a text on his phone from her friends phone saying that he misses her and cant stand it without her. two hours before this he put in a transfer to another state to be with my family. he said that we needed it. and that if he is in bed in the morning and when i go to sleep that i should trust him. he said if i had an affair and he didnt know about it he wouldnt care because he didnt know. that he trusts me. but i dont have the trust because he wont leave her alone. he is making it sound like i should be okay with him seeing her until we leave in 2 months….
    hubby is adament about us moving across the country to my hometown, but still on the phone texting 2 her all day. he says it is me he wants and loves and comes home to sleep next to and that there is nothing there. he went online and unblocked her number and then changed the passwords on our account so i cant look anymore.
    he said you have to trust me, i was saying goodbye. but he is texting her how he will miss her and how he cant live without her. i am tryn to fill up my life, but i cant stand the thought of sharing for 2 months.
    sometimes i wanna slap him. Yesterday was fathers day. he worked a little late, went to a friends 45 min away, waited who knows where 2 hours and then went to friends. he will get to spend a total of 15 to 20 min. with his 3 girls today. happy fathers day to him.
    this upsets me.
    this drives me crazy. but i am supposed to be smiles and cheer when he walks in. how do i bite my tounge. how do i work on winning him back if hes with his “friend.”
    what makes this so bad is we used to talk about all the women that hit on him, point out people in mall, we always had a “open” laugh about how people looked and their sexual attraction. We always felt if we could come home and laugh about how someone tried to come on to us it was open and we would laugh. neither of us felt left out. my husband has never been like this. we have been 2gether for 9 yrs. and until 2 months ago we had a great, open communication relationship. we took great pride in all of it. now nothing is right. we are forcing laughter out even.
    right now i do not know which is worse….
    loosing my husband to that home-wrecking b****
    or loosing my best friend due to it.
    everyone is saying to just back off till the move and give him time to chase… its so hard. i want him 2 want me, but how is he supposed 2 notice that the ball isn’t in my court if hes chatting up the stupid waitress
    please help.
    please add your insights because i cant think straight on any of it…



  109.  #109Annie on June 21, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I feel unsure if I have got this right.
    Is cd with all men to get us to practice standing up to men expressing our feelings
    who trigger us in any negative way so we no longer tolerate any man who triggers us in a bad way for us? So we no longer want or choose to have them in our life because we know that if they cared enough and were right for us they would either not do this or stop doing it?

    Or is it not that simple and have I got it wrong?



  110.  #110Beautiful on July 4, 2011 at 6:57 am

    Hi Pamela ~ When I ask this, I’m really not criticizing or telling you what to do off the top of my lala head. I really want to know your answer.

    I can understand that you might not want to raise children without their father as a There-husband. And it sounds like perhaps you had an easy buddy-like relationship as though you were both pals-with-a-secret who could laugh at other guys’ attempts. But still, as a Woman, as Romance, WHY WOULD YOU FEEL SO DESPERATE ABOUT KEEPING THIS GUY?

    Really, I’m not saying like, ‘Oh, he cheated. And the rule is……” I Really Want to Know your answer. Because, based on my own experiences, I’ve decided that the reasons we cling
    all come down to Our Own Insecurities.

    I’m involved in two situations myself. One in which I’m emotionally running from a man who is ClinGing to me, trying to grab me all up and sew up his Ownership of me.
    And another situation in which I’m trying not to cling to a different man who doesn’t treat me as well as the first man. But I feel safe to tell him almost anything – I’ve already told him some Real scary-to-tell feelings which had been received with such beautiful surprising care.
    I just dropped to the floor to feel my feelings while Wwwwaiting for his call.

    I’m wondering Why I cling/desire so strongly the man that I open up to. Wondering why I run from the man who wants to envelope me.

    These days, I’m finally interested in my own heart. . Real feelings – which means Not Keeping Them Secret. But when I was younger, I didn’t admit to anyone that my real feelings were based on my insecurities:
    My fear of having to take care of myself alone.
    My desire for my guy’s money.
    My fear that, if my guy got out and found out how much better other women were than I, that I would be embarrassed. aka My Own Insecurities. So I’m thinking that the real reason we desperately cling is because of our own insecurities.

    I could say now that the reason I’m a-waiting for this phone-call from the other guy is because of my own current insecurity. As though there would never be another man that I could trust and open up to like this. But realistically I know that that’s not true. That I Could choose to speak my truths to a new man. There are plenty that would be thrilled with a real relationship. I could even choose to do this with the doting man I already have. But I do not choose to do that – because feel like Running away from him.

    I do not Want to open up to the ick-man. I want want want the man who I’ve been open(er) with. Because by talking this way, telling him my real feelings, I finally really feel love. Or do I? Am I just clinging again – because I’m afraid he’d run away?

    Could that be your answer? That if your husband thought there was any chance you might really leave him, that he might feel more like he’d better do something to keep you? Could that be why he wants his other woman? Because he had an Emotional affair with her?



  111.  #111Becky on August 9, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    I hope I’m posting this in the right spot. I just need help, desperately! My bf of almost a year just broke up and I feel it’s mainly my fault. I did some very terrible things!! Shame on me!

    I have never been the jealous type much at all until him. He swept me off my feet, always make plans together, going to Vegas 3x’s during this past winter, gone to many concerts and so many other wonderful things, but still I cried many, many nights. The first few months, great sex and all but then I had my back surgery and the jealousy started. All this time he was still on the dating sites. He said he tried to delete his accounts but couldn’t. Said he only liked looking at the pics of the girls. But the last few months, he would be up at night (he’d sleep a couple of hrs. then get up, which was all night and am) and I could hear him chatting with people. You know that ding and then he’d type, then ding and he’d type again and so on. He denied it when I asked about it and got really angry at me. Said he’s not looking for anyone and so on. He would also stare, not look, at all girls that went by us, sometimes looking by me to see them. He said he knew that was a bad habit and that he shouldn’t do that. He would get a lot of hang ups on his answering machine, one message stated that he needed to get a cell phone so they could text one another, from a girl of course. Our sex went to every other day, then 2x a week, to once every 2 weeks then the last month, nothing! Then I did the most horrible thing, set him up on a dating site and he bit, big time. He said he knew it was me but I believe he didn’t, due to the timeline. He is very, very angry, said he won’t put up with jealousy, possessiveness and so on. Said we are done!! We broke up 2x’s before but made it back.

    Now I am a mess, can’t eat, sleep or hardly move. My heart seen more, but was it just my imagination? Is it such a bad thing to contact girls online? Was he actually meeting them while I was gone? (we live over 3 hrs. apart and I was at his place most of the month, I know!) I know he loved me but he is also commitment phobia. Don’t need the 24/7. We done so much together and we still had plans but I ruined it all by my actions. It was very horrible of me to do it, I know. Wish I could explain it all but I feel I got crazy, for the third time. When I was following the rules, things were going well then I got crazy jealous again.

    Knowing he really despises me now, could we ever make it back? What if he was the one and I blew it? What if I was making all of this up because that’s all I know is pain? I’m in total shock! I loved and still love this man with all my heart. Is there any hope to fixing this or did I mess it up for good? He may be a bit toxic, I know that, but feel that could of changed, right?

    I know, I should of known better. Shame on me once again but any help or advice is needed, please!



  112.  #112Camille on August 9, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Becky,
    Was he mad at you for what you did? Or was he defensive because he got caught?



  113.  #113Becky on August 9, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    He is extremely mad at me. He NEVER admitted to anything wrong, said he gave me no reason for my jealousy. I believe he has but can’t prove it, online or otherwise. Maybe I made it all up, I don’t know. It just happened yesterday that we broke up so I’m still a mess and ashamed of myself and so confused!!

    Thank you



  114.  #114Beautiful on August 9, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Dear Becky ~ I can relate to your story. Sounds like you’re like me. Seems like I’ll take Anything once I’ve decided to commit to a man.

    Even though, over time, all sorts of other situations come up as I get to Really know him. But I don’t want to ‘shock him’ with the idea that ‘I’d take back my words like “Always” ‘.

    Easier said than done – I wish I could follow my own advice – to Save Myself. But I don’t want to be mean to HIM.

    I KNOW THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER FISH IN THE SEA. THAT THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER MEN THAT WOULD HAVE A LOT TO OFFER. But I also know that Everybody has at least 10 good things about him AND 10 bad things about him. So there is no Perfect Person out there.

    So I tolerate the things that upset me. But here is the clincher – the Difference between you and me.
    At least when I tell my guy that I’m feeling Upset, he consoles me. Ah Baby, Baby.
    He tells me another way to look at the situation.
    He takes me by the hand to show me what’s going on. He tears up momentos of previous women that might make me jealous – to let me know that they’re not important anymore. Or he introduces me to current ‘co-workers’, ‘friends’, etc – introduces me proudly as his Lady.
    He doesn’t get Angry at me for my unfounded insecurities. He tries to fix the situation.

    So I look at your situation and I’d recommend that you allow someone else in. And maybe this current guy will come around and try to fix things up with you. And maybe you’ll still be interested by then. Or Maybe he won’t be important to you Anymore – because you’ve committed your heart to someone else by then.

    he’s not the only fish in the sea. There are other great men out there who have a lot to offer. You don’t have to be ashamed of feeling Jealous – whether or not it was reasonable to feel that way.
    I think that Rori recommend that we Say How We Feel. Say what we don’t want to do. And then not control the outcome.

    you’ll be okay.



  115.  #115Becky on August 10, 2011 at 3:38 am

    Thank you so much for the kind words. He is a wonderful man, except for the internet girls problem and when we go out. WOW, that sounds horrible. I remember crying myself to sleep at his house, many, many times, before I went to sleep, alone 95% of the time. He would introduce me as his girlfriend, but I think it was only for show, meaning, he is almost 10 yrs. older than me, and I’m in my early 50’s and he would get compliments about me. Sounds horrible, I’m too old for this crap. Previously, I just ended 2 yrs. ago, an almost 20 yr. horrible marriage with a bi-polar man, and that was hell on earth. I want that special love, every woman dreams of, the “Notebook” kind of love. I’m very loving, kind and yes, I over functioned, but learned not to as much. I was learning a lot and was following some rules and it did work until I fell off the wagon. I’m trying to believe that I didn’t make this all up, so many signs! He wouldn’t even email me, unless I did him, almost always, when I wasn’t there. Don’t you miss the one you love when their gone? He’s retired and he was always on the internet!! He emailed everyone else. And why would you keep going on dating sites and finding new ones to sign up for if you were in love with someone? Maybe this was something he could of just been doing because he is addicted to it, I truly believe that. He’s very smart also, was a teacher in college and worked for the state.

    So, all in all, I know I done wrong but I just couldn’t take the girl looking, searching anymore so the dragon come out of me. He will never contact me again, I know that, and maybe that’s for the best, on my part. He said he’ll now be on dating sites, well, he already was! I just have to tell my heart now that it’s over. I just can’t get out of bed, go anywhere, or even comb my hair. I have no friends here to confide in either, so this is my only refuge.

    Thank you all for your help. I truly appreciate it!!! You are all so kind.

    Thanks



  116.  #116Elle on August 30, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I am in a horrible place where a guy is playing me, he is always buying other women drinks and treating other women better than me. I keep knocking him back which is hard because I like him but he plays me like other women and the more I get annoyed the further away he goes how pathetic am I and why cant I move on from him?



  117.  #117Elle on August 30, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Just to add to the above it drives me insanely jealous when he flirts with other women, he knows it, and unfortunately I cannot hide it . . .



  118.  #118Becky on August 30, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Well, we did get back together. Was up there by his place and was going to have a friend go and get my things and to give him his things. Yet, he wanted ME to come there so we could talk. The minute I walked int he door, he gave me the biggest hug, asked if I was ready to go out and eat and made it where I ended up staying. Hmmmmm He’s been different this time. I can open up to him about my feelings, I found out, and he listens and understands them and asks what can he do to make things better. It’s like he almost lost me and now stepping up to the plate? Yet, the main issue I have is the internet thing and him on all these dating sites. Says he’s not meeting or talking to anyone, but I just can’t in my heart, believe it. I believe this is wrong and this is where the jealousy starts. I did speak up today and me feeling “bad” about an issue and he totally understood and changed his plans. I believe it was innocent, but it involved a previous girl he used to date, although nothing serious. She said, in a letter, that she would “LOVE” to go with him (was acting hesitant when I was going to go also, but now I can’t) and that made me feel uncomfortable and I expressed that to him and we’re talking about it tonight. I believe he loves me now, just hard to accept I guess, due to past relationships, like many of us.

    So, I am learning and believe we’re on the right track but until there’s a commitment, on his part, my heart should be available to other good men out there. But to me it feels like cheating! I am such a firm believer in not cheating, in any form, that I don’t know if I can even think of another man, let alone go out with them.

    Thank you all again for your comments. They are really appreciated and I take them to heart and learn from them. I see now how I caused some of my grief, but not totally. I need to learn to trust, believe someone can love me, for me, and learn to express my feelings, instead of holding them in until I explode. Which I’ve done a few times. We just celebrated our 1st year Anniversary together a couple of days ago and it was great. I hope to have many more but I feel he needs to step up to the plate!!! Getting rid of the dating sites would be the first thing! How can I trust with that? I see that’s why I don’t trust. Guess we have more talking to do.

    Yes, there are more fish in the sea but I would like to see where this one goes first. I’m going to give it my best shot, state my feelings in a positive, honest way and go from there. Then if things don’t work where I’m comfortable in the relationship, I will have to step up and leave him. I want a healthy, loving, relationship, not a non-trusting and jealous one. But for now, wish me luck. 🙂

    Thank you all again. May you all have the best of luck in your relationships!!!

    Take care,
    Becky



  119.  #119Elle on August 31, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    hi becky,
    i know exactly what you mean about not seeing other people i am not that kind of person but it has made me think that i should be doing. i dismiss men because my heart is taken and i know i do not have his how rediculous i feel now.



  120.  #120Becky on August 31, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    It does feel ridiculous but our heart is in the way. Right now I may meet up with a friend, just to talk and get to know. He’s been through this whole thing with me, online, and understands me and doesn’t judge me and puts up with my non-sense. WOW, now I feel the same way! lol Even though my bf has opened up a lot, I don’t know if he’ll EVER commit, due to his past of not really committing. Then there’s people who tell me that I may just be the one!! Who knows, but I believe we should at least get to know other men, even on a friendship level, so we can maybe see where we’re going wrong, AND maybe what we’re missing out on. Boy, the more I write the more I see what I should be doing.

    But, the way I see it, now, is that I’ll be doing nothing wrong, in any sense of the matter. I’m just experiencing new friendship and if it leads to more, then my bf better step up to the plate or possibly lose me to a good man who WANTS TO commit, to me!! That’s our goal, right? To be happy and in a loving and honest relationship? Maybe have this mindset and see what happens. Believe me, I love my bf more than words can say but I also believe that I need that love and trust also.

    Good luck and hope to hear back about your plans. I wish you all the happiness in the world and you WILL find someone who really loves you, and I will also. We just need to love ourselves more!!!

    Take care,
    Becky



  121.  #121Femininewoman on August 31, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Elle unfortunately, it might be because you are not cdating and have nothing else going on in your life. He might not be feeling the need to win your love.



  122.  #122Beautiful on September 1, 2011 at 12:02 am

    Ah Becky ~ He came back ~ Yes, you and I are alike.

    Hi Elle. Hi Feminine. Things are not perfect for Beautiful just now, because nobody is perfect. It’s hard for my guy to be and do everything that I want all the time. But through expressing my feelings (including things like jealousy and insecurity), I’m finding that I really do believe that he loves me. More than selfish-me can imagine on my own.

    Rori’s advice not only affects the man who is responding to us women. It also affects us women. Amazingly. By knowing how to deal with the situations honestly, I’m finding out my own feelings. And my wonderful boyfriend is helping me get over them. To have Faith that he is my boyfriend even though there are actually other women in the world and he doesn’t talk only to men. Any more than I talk only to women. I have both female and male trainers, male doctors, male co-workers, male clients – men that I relate to. But that doesn’t mean that I’m on the make for each one who is supposedly just waiting and hoping for wonderful me – which is how. That’s what jealous me would be worrying about if the shoe was on the other foot.

    And I find out that he really does think that I’m good enough, that I’m desireable – even though we both know my faults, we both know the things I have to work on if I’m ever going to be perfect.

    It’s 3 a.m. Good night 🙂



  123.  #123Becky on September 1, 2011 at 12:15 am

    This circular dating thing is surely not for me. Tried it tonight, with a so called friend, and boy was I miserable!! Besides feeling guilty as !@(* , he was all over me and I finally got out of there! But it did make me realize how important our relationship is to me and will use the tools to increase the chances of a “forever” with my bf. Even though it was very painful for me to go through this, it gave me the strength to do what I need to do to be happy. I am hoping it’s with who I’m with now. I will give it my best shot and if it don’t work out in the future, I will have learned a lot from all of this. I can see my future getting better, with him or without him.

    And Beautiful, you are so very right!!! It’s hard, but we have to learn to trust and let them love US!! I wish you all the best in life and in love. This site has helped me out in so many ways and it gives me a foundation to stand on, especially when I was sinking so badly! I would of been alone and miserable if I hadn’t learned what I have learned from Rori and all of you wonderful ladies!!!

    Thank you, each and every one of you!!!

    Take care of yourselves,
    Becky



  124.  #124Beautiful on September 1, 2011 at 6:51 am

    Thank You! After reading your note to me, I actually, well, at least for the moment, feel Happy
    to continue working out the problems with my boyfriend. Actually, excited. Because it means I will have to walk in to some uncomfortable situations with the confidence to say only what I’m feeling. When feeling (or not feeling) Physical feelings as well as when uncomfortable about Insecurities. I JUST HOPE I REMEMBER TO ALSO SAY WHAT I’M HONESTLY FEELING WHEN THE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL FEELINGS ARE GOOD. NOT ONLY SAY THEM, BUT TO SAY MY POSITIVES WITH ‘MUST NOTICE THIS – WE MUST TALK ABOUT THIS’. Hopefully to get overwhelmed by my Positive Feelings again.

    As far as being with others, it does help to flirt when things are going bad. But then we do Attract others, and I get very uncomfortable to let them know that ‘No – I don’t want to actually go Out with you – I don’t want to actually spend time with you’. But lol, as I read this, I hear Rori’s advice to do just that.

    So, if we are really feeling magnetized to our boyfriend, that is what we’d be really feeling. And whether or not we want to say with him is to be based on Our honest feelings about whether or not we want him.



  125.  #125Beautiful on September 1, 2011 at 6:53 am

    Typo above – “Whether or not we want to STAY with him would be based on our honest feelings of Now”



  126.  #126Irrationally Jealous on September 16, 2011 at 2:41 am

    Hi..i just got on the jealousy train again…

    I have to admit I am VERY jealous and yesterday was my boyfriend-of-5-year’s ex’s birthday and (I feel really stupid because it’s not even a huge deal but bothers me oh so much) he send her an sms greeting, which I saw, wishing her a lovely bday with lots of presents and lots of kisses and it bothers me that they could have reached a close relationship, that he would write that. The irrational part of me tells me a “happy bday, have a great day” would have been more than enough… I’m so confused and I don’t know what to do!! please help 🙁
    Irrationally Jealous



  127.  #127Becky on September 16, 2011 at 4:53 am

    Beautiful, It IS hard to remember the words to use, when you need to use them. I don’t always remember, bad memory. I have to have another conversation with this man, about OUR future together! I HATE mixed signals!! He says I’m his GF but do I feel that way? Sometimes, but I should feel like his GF most of the time. Will be talking about him on these dating sites. It really hurts me and that’s where the jealousy begins. Have to correct this, NOW!! And yes, flirting is nice, especially when you don’t get what you need from him! Makes you feel desired and worth being loved. But that’s as far as I want to go. WOW, is that what he’s doing? I think he takes it too far though and that’s what makes me feel uncomfortable and doubt our relationship. His actions are much different than mine. I’m getting a call today from a relationship expert about noon and will see what she has to say. I just hope he understands and we come to a happy ending, one way or the other. I want it to be with him. Ever have a love where you feel you fall in love with him more and more every day? I don’t ever remember feeling this way with anyone!! But I love him enough to keep trying. He couldn’t let me go a few weeks ago when I was ready to let him go, no matter how it hurt. HE reeled ME back in with his love! So he must love me. Boy, am I confused. Why do men have to be so complicated. Grrrrrrr 🙂

    And Irrationally Jealous, I can definitely hear what you’re saying. I have just gone through this also. Our last 2 trips together were great but then he writes to his ex of 2 yrs. and tells her about the trips and then says how he thinks of her. WHAT? How am I supposed to act on that one? Why contact her at all? Not sure about your situation though. I would definitely have a “feeling” talk with him and express how sad and ……. it makes you feel and that you don’t like feeling so bad. It may mean nothing to him. Could be that he did have feelings for her at one time and was just being nice to her and just wants a civil relationship. My BF has a few friends who he used to date but one does irritate me and the other I just adore. I did express about the one I don’t care for and he’s been good but I know he still talks to her but he says it was just casual with her and only dated a brief time, she means nothing. Guess it’s HER I don’t trust in this situation.

    I know when he contacts his ex, it hurts bad!!! Just try not to let jealousy ruin what might be in the future. It almost did me but I’m learning to talk about my concerns with him and with better results. Think of happy things and don’t fix your thoughts on this. Wait and just let him know how you feel. Hope you’ll feel much better after the talk.

    The very best of luck to you both and anyone else who’s dealing with jealousy. It’s a horrible feeling!!

    Take care everyone,
    Becky



  128.  #128Beautiful on September 16, 2011 at 6:45 am

    Becky ~ I quote you –

    “flirting is nice, especially when you don’t get what you need from him! Makes you feel desired and worth being loved. But that’s as far as I want to go. WOW, is that what he’s doing? I think he takes it too far though” Unquote.

    Didn’t Rori say on one of her products, something about – It might not be fair, but it is okay for me to do even though it’s not okay for him to do?

    If you are feeling unhappy because of his flirting, that is how you are feeeeling. Making excuses for him and seeing things from his point of view – that does not change your feelings.



  129.  #129Becky on September 16, 2011 at 7:21 am

    You are right, but I just can’t seem to grasp the “double standards”, or understand it. Maybe it’s because I KNOW flirting to me, is ONLY that! It would never go any further. And for him, who knows, right? I’m new at this and thank you for your correction. The more I read the newsletters, the more encouragement and strength I have. But he’s a very smart man. Taught in College and worked with the state, so he knows his way around many areas. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to read him, but is he just playing or playing for keeps. Tis the question and I plan on getting answers but he doesn’t seem to want to talk about these concerns of mine much. Have to catch him in the mood. Last time didn’t go so well. Maybe I didn’t chose my words carefully enough, he felt under attack. Just stated to him how he hurt my feelings, went bad!! This time I’ll be prepared, I hope. If don’t work this time? Then I’ll just walk away and get happy through a walk or something. I’m going to make it through this!! All I want to know is, do we have a future together? Sounds simple to me anyway. Should know after a year together I would think.

    Love is tough, but it doesn’t have to be!!!!! Choose my words and go from there.

    Thank you again and have a wonderful day.

    Becky



  130.  #130samantha on September 29, 2011 at 2:45 am

    I had a moment where I was jealous recently. There is a guy I really like. He is really smart. I like how he carries himself. It seems that he likes me too. When he is talking he gives my eye contact, even if there is a group of people with us. He smiles at me even when I am not looking. A friend told me that. He even went up to my friend and gave me a compliment. The other day I saw him talking to another woman. I only caught part of the conversation. He said he would tell her more about it later and offer his number. I was completly heartbroken and filled with jealousy. When we did talk I was aggaivated and hurt. He said I was being passive agressive and sending mix messages. He said he wanted to care but couldn’t when I act like that. He said it caused him to shut down. I finally calmed down and told him how I felt. after that He wanted to know what I been up to. I told him about my female friend. He wanted to know what we did. He laughed when I talked about the tv show I like to watch. i said I was sorry. He was happy I said I was sorry. I am worried about the damage I might have done. I don’t know what to do next and that is making me anxious. I know I have to let go of what has happened. He has made it very clear that when I am being passive agressive, he shuts down, so i know to just say how I feeling. I just don’t know what kind of damage I did or what to do next.



  131.  #131Kristie on January 10, 2012 at 12:29 am

    Rori,
    What if you are dating a man long-distance, someone you have dated off and on for over 5 years…and while you were a part he moved next to an old friend (a single woman he knew growing up). He asked her out, but she said no and then went to the casinos with him, had him over for dinner, baked him cookies and he makes himself available to her. They talk on the phone, email etc even now while he just started dating me. He is defensive about her yet goes out of his way to be around her or outside when she walks her dog. He tells me to hold on and takes her call. He even encouraged her to join him in a lawsuit so she’d have to be in contact with him…yes, i’m jealous. I believe he even emailed her while here with me for the holiday weekend. He says there ain’t nothin there, but they go to church together, live next door. she calls him for phone books etc. He made himself available while she swims in her pool..He is obviously attracted to her yet he drove 25 hours to see me. I guess to work out the sexual tension. He calls me less when he’s home, near his friend. They call each other multiple times per day supposedly about the “lawsuit”. He talks about her all the time. Help!



  132.  #132Ang on January 29, 2012 at 7:50 pm

    Hello Rory… and hello ladies. It feels a bit weird to be airing out my ‘stuff’ on an anonymous web blog, but here goes. I too have been in a 5 year on and off long distance relationship. I now recognize that it has been very co-toxic in the past (after going through the toxic men program) but we have both come a long way. My main goal has been to focus on me and work on some of my own issues, always in hopes of finding a way to develop a strong, healthy, loving, trusting honest committed relationship with him. Let me just clarify that the work I’m doing is for ME – but I have never let go of the dream. I’ve really made him out to be the one and only prize, I recognize that as well, but cannot imagine loving anyone else.
    I’m posting this on the jealousy website because I have such HUGE insecurities. I know in the past my ridiculous behaviour has driven him away, and there are times when I feel completely out of control with my emotions. I sometimes wonder if I am the toxic one… not him. When I feel even the tiniest bit shut out, or think someone else has caught his eye I litererally start to boil. My heart pounds, I shake uncontrollably and I want to fly into a complete rage. In the past I have… I’ve lashed out with every cruel thing I could say, I’ve physically hit him, I’ve cried… you name it. Even now, I so badly want for him to call me (I was nagging at him earlier today about it) and, of course, no word. I’m vibrating… it’s like an intense fear or something. I don’t know what to name it, but more importantly, I don’t know where to put it or how to just be with it. Yes, I keep myself happy. I called a girlfriend earlier and went for a hike (and didn’t talk about my ‘issue’). I went shopping. I did yoga. I cooked myself an amazing dinner. All the while I have this knot in the pit of my stomach over the fear that he won’t call me.
    I won’t ramble on any further… but I really respect your coaching. This is the most success I’ve had and I feel I’ve made many changes. If I could just pinpoint this one thing then I could work through it and take myself to the next level. Rori, do you have any suggestions? Can you label this thing?
    What would be the best program for me?
    Much love to you all!



  133.  #133Melody on May 27, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    Hello my name is Melody. I have recently been going through some form of jealousy. I noticed a nurse making flirtatious comments toward my man. He was telling another nurse he wanted some Tylenol. The flirty nurse said ohh your just faking. I caught her staring at him, when she noticed I notoiced, I gave her a dirty look and she put her head down. I really wanted to just hit her. I also noticed that when she is around his head is down. So I feel there may be some sort of interaction when I’m not around. I would ask him now and than about his interactions while hes their. What does he talk about with the nurse when hes their? His response was; nothing really, just the kids and I am taking care of them. Recently I came to meet up with him. As I walk to the room, his door was open. I heard him and the nurse some reference about playing games and laughing (giggling kind). When I asked him what they had talked about, it was basketball and he went on she always talks about the games. From there it was an argument cause from what I was told by him he really doesn’t speak much. Basically kids and I take good care of them. This is really bothering to me and feeling insecure with a huge loss of trust and he claims not to know why. PLEASE HELP.



  134.  #134Rori Raye on May 28, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    Melody – I don’t understand – he’s in the hospital? Can you please cut him some slack and let him flirt with the nurses? Love, Rori



  135.  #135alice on May 28, 2012 at 8:24 pm

    i don’t understand why you said that Rori ~
    Like yes, I understand that he does have the right to flirt with the nurses, but doesn’t Melody also have the right to say that this makes her feel bad? and then doesn’t it make sense that she might not want to stay with someone who makes her feel bad with flirting?



  136.  #136Melody on May 28, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    Due to an illness he is constantly in and out the hospital. I really cant cut him any slack. Due to past history simular situation except he cheated on me with his excoworker. I found out when I was six months pregnant on valentines day. His body language, misleading information plus, reoccurring unsaved numbers. it puts me on high alert plus the fact that our bedroom funtime is down to 3 times a month. Yes its possible its the meds but I really feel its more.



  137.  #137Rori Raye on May 29, 2012 at 8:54 am

    alice – from the little bit I got in the comment – this wasn’t an open-hearted expression of feeling jealous about the flirting, done with love and no judgment. This was “arguing,” fighting, and “letting him have it.” It was making him feel so bad (and the nurse, too) that they kept their heads down, like she was a bad mama tiger. If you’ve ever been in a hospital – this just generally isn’t the place for slapping a man around (no place is) – and flirting with the patient is a time-honored part of giving loving care that’s in the emotional makeup of a nurse.

    I’ve seen enough “House” on TV to see that a lot of things come to light in the drama of a hospital stay, a lot of truths come out…and perhaps something showed up here that he actually DOES feel ashamed of – and looking for emotional support and love from a nurse perhaps says more about how he feels in his marriage than it does what’s going on in that hospital room.

    If I’ve got this all wrong from my interpretation of the comment – please let me know…I may be jumping to a picture that isn’t at all what’s going on. I only know that when I hear anyone say we “fought” – If that’s the style of how you talk to each other – I know there’s not good communication going on. Love, Rori



  138.  #138alice on May 29, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Thank You Rori ~
    I feel like I have a lot to learn from you.
    It’s hard to let go of my old ‘tapes’.

    I would not feel good about seeing my guy flirting with someone else. This is not acceptable to me. Because flirting makes it possible to open a door whenever the recipient of the flirting wants to

    I would not feel good about seeing my guy flirting with someone else. Even though I flirt a lot ~ with both married and unmarried men.

    Are you saying that people who have good relationships will flirt and play with other friends in front of their exclusive partner? Is that what’s normal? So they wouldn’t have to ‘keep their heads down’ if their partner was around?



  139.  #139Venusian on June 21, 2012 at 10:59 am

    Hi Rori,

    I’ve purchased the Modern Siren, and watched it with one breath, I’m also finishing your e-book on relationships and have to say congratulations!

    I’ve been married for 15 years with 2 children and finally am starting to “find myself” and learn how to get in touch with my feelings and freely share them.

    There has been a few incidents with my husband that I’ve been struggling with. I’m in the process of using the tools of “sitting back” and receiving, pay attention to how I feel, so there has been certain changes. I stopped trying and started to work on myself for me which also helped.

    What I need help with is my reaction to see my husband checking out other women. One time there was this really beautiful girl with a beautiful body at the public pool, our kids were swimming and my husband and I were just sitting at the table, waiting for kids to get out. There was no conversation nor connection between us. I’ve noticed my husband was looking few times the direction this pretty girl was sitting. I was feeling a bit nauseous inside but still relatively calm. As some time has passed and we kept quiet, I’ve noticed more looks that direction. Finally I got up and went to the bathroom. Then I went to the pool to hang out with my son, when he innocently pointed out and said that daddy’s checking out the “hot girl”. When I looked his direction, the beautiful body was walking around my husband and his head magnetically turned where the body was heading. At that time the boiling sensation inside me was ready to explode and I approached him saying if he really wants to, he can go and hang out with her. Of course he got upset and as my anger was taking over I pointed out to him that even his son saw what he saw. He got so angry, also at our son, and caused an embarrassing scene.

    A day or two later when things cooled off a bit, we tried to talk about it however he was insulted that I accused him and I was pissed that he had the nerve to check out other women in my presence. He responded that he was not checking her out and was in complete denial. I mentioned to him that I get that guys check out girls, that it’s their nature, but to at least have that respect and curtesy not to do it in my presence. He just said that he was not checking her out.

    So, clearly my dreams lately are reminding me that this is still an issue for me and I really need to learn how to respond in a situation like this and eventually even prevent/avoid it.

    I am working on my insecurities but quite frankly, if there is a pretty girl walking by and I see my husband looking, I just don’t know what to say to him or do so I don’t push him away. What do I do?

    Thank you so much!



  140.  #140k on June 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Wow, this all really imspires me:) Thanks Rori!



  141.  #141Rori Raye on June 21, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    Venusian – This is about you – and you can wreck a relationship by getting in a tizzy over this kind of thing. Susie Collins and her husband Otto are all about jealousy and what to do in this situation…Let him look as much as he wants. What you do is look at her to, with him if you’re standing there, and say – wow…she’s hot, and smile at your husband and touch him if you want. USE it! I absolutely challenge you to tell me truthfully that you’ve never slavered over Brad Pitt or George Clooney or someone you saw somewhere…or just some SITUATION that set off your fantasies.If your husband has a serious porn addiction, then we’re talking problem. This isn’t. You can get past this and strengthen yourself. Coaching would help you tremendously….There are so many great coaches, and for this – I’d recommend Dominique at http://www.SexandHeart.com. Love, Rori



  142.  #142EdoticGoddess on July 1, 2012 at 8:57 am

    Dear Rori,
    I have been seeing this man for almost 7 months now. I am divorced and have a child while he has never been married and he’s 7 years younger than me.
    Everything was great and wonderful although we both had trust issues not related to us. I have always struggled with jealousy and trust in the past and it seemd that so had he. So we were being careful to built trust and intimacy without ending up controling each other.
    Four months into the relationship I was feeling very uneasy like I was spinning my wheels, while I was falling in love with this man and he was reciprocating I didn’t think we were moving forward and I was getting scared. So out of the blue I had The Talk – told him exactly how I felt, that I loved him very much but I couldn’t keep doing this dating for ever when I wanted to get married and have more children and my biological clock keeps ticking. I did not want to put any preassure on him or the relationship, but I didn’t have time and I wanted to move on. He was very emotional also and he told me what I had feared the most “that he could not give me what I wanted, (the fact that I have been married and have a child, is a big deal in our culture, we are both from the same country) as it would be too much for his family. Where I told him that I would have to fight resistance from my family, when he doesn’t have the education that I have.
    We decided not to break up but to continue and see what happens. I didn’t have the heart to leave, when I probably should have.
    Now two months later I feel like we are drifting apart. We don’t have sex as often, although when we do it’s the best. We see each othe once a week, when we used to 2-3 times. I fear that he is seeing someone else. Last night I confronted him over the phone as I was going crazy, and he said, No that he is seeing only me.
    What should I do?
    I want to just break up and get myself some councelling. I am tired of my insecurities and untrutworthiness.
    Please don’t tell me to circular date as I have tried before half heartedly and I feel so bad about myself that it does the opposite effect as it deepens my trust issues with men, if I end up doing it.
    I feel sad and lost.



  143.  #143Rori Raye on July 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    EdoticGoddess, Welcome- and Circular Dating isn’t about dating – and it’s supposed to BUILD your confidence, not bring it down – so my guess is – you might want to try some new skills and attitudes around Circular Dating before you “dismiss” it. It seems to me you both ascertained that you are NOT a match for two important reasons – education and family – and so I can’t imagine why you’d want to stay in this situation. Love, Rori



  144.  #144Nart on July 13, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Hello Dear Rory,

    I identified myself as the woman that makes man the center of my life too soon.

    In November last year I met this guy on a online dating services. We went out, and there was not much chemistry. He was hot and handsome, but his personality didnt attracted me at first. He confessed the same about me. At that time I was naturally doing the Circular date, without noticing it. He called me for a second date. He told me he didnt want commitment and I said I wanted and I stand up my ground. We keep seeing each other with no commitment or exclusivity. He made sure I knew he was seeing other girls and so I did the same. He also has this ex girlfriend from his university. His first love – and in my mind the only one – she was around for Xtmas and asking him to get back together after 10 years. He said no, but can’t live without talking to her every day like they still have something.
    After 2 month going out with him, we agreed to be exclusive for sex – like friends with benefits – but I was already developing feeling for him. I decided to give him a ultimatum at Xmas time. He said no and we spent 2 – 3 weeks no talking at all. At a common friend Bday Party we saw each other after weeks and he could not hold himself. He kissed me and we started seeing each other more frequently. He showed me off to his friends ans some family members. No commitment tho. End of February I asked him to open up. Why he could not let his feelings take over and just feel more for me? He said he still felt something for the college girlfriend and told all the story she was asking him back. He said is not love, but he still have a stronge feelings for her, but he doesnt want her. She is not the one for him, because he doesnt believe someone he found so next to him could be his soulmate. What would be the probability? And why just with him.?
    Anyways…we “broke up” cos I couldn’t stand that feelings he had for her. He got crazy, said to his friends he was falling for me and after a week not talking he, crying asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, and the hell started.
    I could never be over his statement about his feelings for her and I got paranoid.
    After 5 month and lots of jealousy and fights, I opened up my computer and his facebook was there, open to me. I saw his massages to her. He was getting mad and jealous at her because she found someone and they are dating, while she had told him they were only seeing each other.
    And he got incredible mad when she quote on her facebook the Goyte song “now you are just somebody that I used to know”. In his message to her about that quote he got really angry thinking it was for him.
    Meanwhile, he was also texting other girls, on facebook, asking for pictures, the girl calling him “lova” and he saying she looked hot in that dress! I know this girl, they were going out when He and I met. He swears he never touched her. Not even a kiss.
    Yes, I told him about the facebook invasion, because he did this to me first. He went thru my phone while I was showering.

    In a resume, he swears he has nothing with his “hot girl” and that he has no feelings for his ex. He does care a lot about her and doesnt want her to forget about him or what they have.

    I cant leave with this anymore, but cant let him go.
    I am paranoid and so he is. i don’t trust him, keep calling him, asking where is he, with who, why? So, he also does the same.

    He doesn’t have fun with me anymore, we fight for every word we say to each other. he gets crazy jealous about some friends he knows they like me.

    I asked him to call his ex and tell her they wont talk anymore until we get stronger. He said he did and explain to her that I am feeling threaten by her, that I think he still likes her.

    If I try to get back into the activities I used to do when we were only friends with benefits and go out with my friends – most of them are man – he goes crazy and try to turn the table going out with his girlfriends or coming to my house or making plans when he knows I am going to be with friends.

    And if I say I am going out without him, he does something to make me jealous, like going out with girlfriends I know he had something in the past, or just going out on weekends we were suppose to be together.

    What to do? Is there still a way to save this or is over?

    Please, help me. all my relationships has been like this. Exactly the same drama! How to change? Go back to the circle dating??

    help me, please.

    Nartila



  145.  #145Rori Raye on July 13, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Nartila – This is going to be harsh – please don’t read if you were hoping for something gentle.

    This has nothing whatsoever to do with him. He never lied to you – not really, and never committed. This is all about you trying to turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse – trying to make something out of nothing. This is YOU wanting this kind of drama and pain.

    This is YOU being so afraid of real love that you’d rather hang in with a man who CLEARLY isn’t mature enough or ready enough – or DESIROUS of having a meaningful lifelong relationship with you.

    I can’t tell you what to do, because each of us has to go through our own journeys at our own speed.

    I would like to encourage you to get some private coaching – there are so many GREAT coaches. Virginia Clark could get you on the right path very quickly: http://www.itsnevertoolatetomarry.com – but only if you’re really ready to leave this kind of “crap” behind, grow up (yes – you, too – his immaturity is just a mirror of your own, and your low self-respect, and your erroneous belief that you deserve no better than this), and get a mature, intimate, real relationship. Circular Dating is to keep you from getting hung up on any one man until you meet a man who WANTS what you want and whose actions are clear and consistent – and it’s important that you use it wisely. Love, Rori



  146.  #146Nartila on July 15, 2012 at 6:42 pm

    Hi Rory,

    Thank you for you reply!

    It’s really not a sweet taste to hear the truth in this case, but I have to face it to grow up!
    I just need to be honest here with myself and say that I’m not ready to leave the relationship tho!
    I’m just lost! Don’t think I need to here from hi
    Or anybody else that he’s just not ready with me to take any step forward.
    In any case, what would be a committed man?
    What would be his actions? How can I know tha the man is committed to me or our relationship?
    What should I do in order to get him to be committed to this? If it is possible?

    Thank you?

    Narti



  147.  #147Narti on July 15, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Hi Rory,

    Thank you for your reply.
    It wasn’t really sweet to hear the truth, but maybe necessary.
    I have to be honest tho, I am not ready to leave him! But I’m ready to not experience this kind of relationship anymore.
    I’m just lost.
    What would be a committed man? What would be his actions? Or, how can I get this. Guy to be committed to me and this relationship?

    Is there any hope if I decide to insist?

    Thank you very much.

    Narti



  148.  #148narti on July 15, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Dear Rory,

    Thank you for you answer. Painful, but true. Pure and simple.
    I am not rwady to let him go. I am not ready to move on.
    I am positive we (Him and I) could have the best relationship if I work my issues out and if he grows up and just move on from his past with his ex.
    He says he’s willing to, but I just dont believe.
    He says he is with me because he likes me too much, a lot and he wants only me. Otherwise, he would’nt be wth me.
    So, why still looking for her? Why still having feelings for her?
    Anyways, I wanna try still.

    How and when I would know he is committed to me and williing, wanting, craving to be committed to me?

    What to do so it could happen…or it will just never happen?

    I am also contacting Virginia, I know I have big issues with sel esteem, jealousy etc. My father cheated on my mom since a week after married her. And I grew up watching all the drama.

    I hate myself, i believe – deep inside, I am no good. And why he would chose me over her? Over any other? Every single, married, committed woman next to him, or that is just about to cross his way is a thread to me!

    How can I ever have someone being like this.
    Its not him, its me. and even if it would be him…I would be ruining more and more.

    Please, drop me a line (of hope this time – and if it is not dreaming too much a good dream with him on it).

    Thank you and congrats for this beautifull work.

    Narti



  149.  #149Becky on July 15, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    HELP!!!

    Here it goes, kind of long story. It all all began in August of 2010, with Rob. We were together from then until March of this year, when I moved to Texas. I felt I had to for lack of what I needed, the commitment, the cheating, his unwillingness to remove his profiles from dating sites and how I felt around him, I just plain felt stupid…He is much more educated and financially secure then me. But through all of this, I felt he was for me, wanting to work it all out and have him see that I was “The One” for him. He did many things for and with me, went to many exciting places, including Vegas in the winter. I believe he shows he cares through these types of things but this wasn’t enough for me. Then he knew I may move to Texas one day to be with my son and his family there. Knew I wasn’t happy with us. He even stated at Christmas time last year that my “Christmas wish” wouldn’t come true because he didn’t love me like that anymore. I was very jealous but felt I had reasons to be. I generally am not the jealous type. I’m not now, only with him.

    Then at Valentines week, he went to Vegas and we were in another spat. After he got back, he didn’t even bother to let me know or that he wanted to even see me, that’s when I decided to suddenly move to Texas. Once I told him, 2 days before I left (1 1/2 weeks after he got back from Vegas), he would support me but he wanted me to stay and think it through first. We had a few beautiful talks and I wanted to stay so very bad, because the love I feel for this man is undeniably intense, still is! But my family came first and I left. He was very, very angry and texted me to turn around, a few times. God I wanted to. I cried for awhile, but decided to keep going, for my family.

    He sent many nasty letters, blaming me, hurting me through emails and I apologized God knows how many times for how it went down. He was devestated and I never ever knew he felt this strong about me, never!!!! Then when I would say that I’ve had enough and was going to move on without him and for him to do the same thing, he would be nice and get to me again. I still feel the guilt, I was definitely wrong in moving so quickly without him knowing but was afraid to tell him for his reactions. We keep in contact, speak of our lives together, how we miss each other, how he says he will never love again or even want to. How he has no desire to even live anymore, once his dad passes away, (he’s 92). I truly hurt him but not sure how much is true. I do believe 90 % of it. My love is still very much strong for him and always will be. He’s the One for me and don’t know if I can ever love another. Here is where the second part comes in.

    Long story but I had to move out of my son’s home due to the Nighmare mother-in-law of his, who lives there also. Just couldn’t take her ignorance anymore. We (my 19 yr old daugher and myself) with a friend, a male friend, who is very kind and nice, but has his ways. He’s my age and never been married. He’s in a relationship with me, kind of, I think. There is no sex, just messing around. He’s a big man who is having the stomach surgery to lose his excess weight. That is NOT my problem with him, I just feel I can’t love him the way he wants me. At this time, I’m seeing once in awhile someone else, no sex involved. He’s very nice to me and thinks the world of me. He doesn’t know about me living with this other man, feel at this time he doesn’t need to know for this is just casual and just getting to know him. This may be wrong in many eyes, but I feel I’m not committed to anyone. The one I’m living with expects me still, I believe, to get my own place, when I can afford it. I want that too and feel I need that also. I am not committed to anyone at this time.

    My problem is, is that I don’t know what to do. Jealousy tore my 18 month relationship apart. I could not trust him, or believe him to be honest when it came to other women. He even stared at them right in front of me. But I have this undying love that won’t quit. I think of him daily, every song I hear, every flower I see, just nature and all the things we used to do reminds me of him. Do I want him back? I believe so. Would he take me back? I don’t know. Do I want to move back? Probably not. Financially, I am doing much, much better here in texas. I am so confused. I still love this man in another state, but trying to make a life here in Texas with another and it just doesn’t seem to feel right. These two men here seem like they really like me but I just can’t get the feelings of love flowing. After 2 months or so, you should start to feel something and sometimes I think I can, but it stops!

    Am I doomed to never fall in love again? I truly believe I can’t. But I want a loving relationship, a healthy one. I’m 54 and attractive, as they say anyway. Try to keep in shape as much as I can with a bad back. I’m working 2 part-time jobs and all I want to do is work, that way I don’t have the time to be with a man, too tired. Yet, I’m so empty inside and unhappy. Unhappy for what I left behind and unhappy for how my life is now. Should I say to hell with it all and be alone for the rest of my life? I just believe I’m not meant to be happy again. I know, a man won’t make me happy, I have to do that, but what is it I need? I am so confused right now, and have been.

    If this is confusing, I’m sorry but I just wrote what I’m going through and need constructive advice. I’m not jumping into any commitments right now, which is a good thing. I only stay here because he offered as a friend since I knew no one else and couldn’t afford a place, or even find one at the time. And I only seen the other guy about 3 times, causually, once for a concert. I have never dated more than one at a time, so I do have guilt over it. Is this wrong also? Maybe I’m searching for something, who knows….

    Thank you all for reading this and good luck to you all in love, and in life. Sometimes we need each other and need a helping hand up, and this is one of those times. Too confused to think of the right things to do, that’s why I’m here…

    Have a great night.

    Sincerely,
    Becky



  150.  #150Dallas on August 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    Being raised in a difunctional home of jealously and fear of commitment and obsessive mother chasing my father out of the bars while I was sleeping in back seat of car at 6 or 7 all hours of the night.. Marrying same type of man,dating another who pasted away 6yrs ago..sorta left me distracted from working on these issues. My current boyfriend is 10 yrs younger has triggered past emotions in my past he has no idea about and how very difunctional. How do I break this now before I loose myself again,he is doing to pulling away thing because he is scared and he loves me drama. I’m too old for drama.. I think he has no clue what he wants but doesn’t want to loose me..broke the cycle with my ex hub, finding I may need to do it again with current, and makes me so sad because I want and deserve every happy Adam in my world! Thoughts ?



  151.  #151Rori Raye on August 23, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    Dallas – Get the ebook – and then Toxic Men is your program. Love, Rori



  152.  #152Maureen on January 16, 2013 at 9:05 am

    My boyfriend is a flirt … he’s admitted to cheating habitually on his university sweetheart. She’s in our social circle and has warned me about him. He was married for 23 years and maintains that he was always faithful to his wife. He has told me he loves me, talks about our future. An associate of his revealed that he always talks about me at work to her. But … he stares at women and flirts with them. I find myself feeling very insecure and can’t stop myself from reacting. It’s caused us to fight over and over and he’s starting to pull away. He said I’m smothering him. We only see each other on the week-ends, as we live an hour apart. Why do you think he’s so enchanted by other women all the time? Can a guy like that ever relax and control his flirting? Upon meeting a pretty girl recently, with me standing beside him, he said, “where have you been all my life?” How would you react to that?



  153.  #153Feeling Lost on January 19, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend for six months, and it’s been a wonderful relationship full of love and affection. I know that he cares about me very much. He and his buddies very much enjoy their guy time, and that’s fine with me as it’s important that we each have our space and enjoy things outside of the relationship. I don’t mind if they drink, and I don’t mind if they go to a typical bar. But I am struggling with the fact that they go clubbing (sometimes to clubs that have strippers) and have intentions of going to traditional strip clubs. I feel that both of these things are disrespectful to me. It’s not an issue of trust–I do not think that my boyfriend would cheat on me. But I just can’t seem to be OK with these actions. I plan to share my feelings with him, and I don’t think he’s going to understand. If he doesn’t understand and isn’t willing to change, then I will probably leave him because, as much as I want him in my life, I don’t think I can ever be OK with this. Are there other people out there that feel the same way I do? Or am I overreacting?



  154.  #154X-Charlotte-x on March 11, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    Rori,

    This will be the first time I contact you regarding a problem, and some advise directly from you would be amazing. Being only 18 and in my second relationship, looking on your website has been the shoulder to cry on anyone would ever wish for. Despite not knowing you – I tend to feel as though I read your articals like you’re my mother. Your words are so powering but yet so truthful and kind.

    I suffer from really bad jealousy, it often eats me up inside and I never know how to deal with it. I dont know if its a jealousy problem or just a trust issue, however i’ve been cheated on in the past and I never know how to solve this issue.

    Myself and my partner have become so strong and we met online, however after an intimate relationship he never seems to be there ALL the time i tend to be under the impression that he only calls when ‘he feels like it’ and whats worse is; we’re a long distance relationship, too.

    He never texts or returns a call within the hour, its always 3-4 hours later and blames the excuse on ‘work’ however he has a very flexible job and i know he has the ability to drop a text or two whilst working… its the same story when hes not at work.

    I offered to move to him so that we can no longer be a long distance relatipnship anymore however he turns the conversation and closes it off by saying ‘hes not prepared for that yet’ however nothing is in the way of him allowing it.

    ive completely cut my youth out of my life and i feel im on call whenever he wishes, is he afraid to commit? I feel slightly bored and at the end of my teather with it all… I have no idea what to do…

    Help?

    Many thanks,

    All My Love, C x



  155.  #155Rori Raye on March 11, 2013 at 3:28 pm

    X Charlotte – Ok – Here’s my motherly advice. You’re WAY too young to get exclusively involved with ANYONE – UNLESS they’re super-duper great boyfriends so that you have a STELLAR experience and can learn about love and relationship with him. This experience doesn’t do that for you – and so it makes it useless except for teaching you what you DON’T want. You don’t want to focus on jealousy and not feel secure and not be able to talk to your man about it. You don’t want to be cheated on. You want to feel great, and you want your man to be right here, in the flesh!! Long Distance sucks, and at your age, you shouldn’t be creating this situation for yourself. Please, please, please learn how to Circular Date, start slow, and then follow through! Love, Rori