From Rori: Debra is a Lead Coach on Siren Island, and the frustration of being in a relationship that makes you feel sad, hurt, angry, disappointed and unloved as often as it makes you feel hopeful and happy – can be never-ending.
Things never get better, yet you can feel elated, often – just because it doesn’t get worse!
If you feel curious about how you’d get coached on the Siren Island Facebook group membership, here’s just a smidgen of how we begin the hugely transformative process that is “The Modern Siren” methodology, in writing only, on Siren Island.
In order to keep things totally private there, I’m only publishing here Debra Darlen’s wisdom – an idea for you of how your situation might be addressed, and how you might learn an entirely new way to be in a relationship, a marriage, a dating situation – from the ground up.
The situation here is that the man is up and down, angry often, things go sideways often, the Islander walks on eggshells, and yet is in love.
He is not a “bad man.”
He’s deeply emotional, passionate about the world and work, and wants to talk about serious things.
This is often the kind of man we are attracted to – passionate about things, the glow of a “activist,” even if he does nothing but talk on social media about his opinions and righteous anger and frustration.
It’s electric and sexy.
The problem here, is – just as with a man who’s bound up in his work, his family situation – so many things – he has absolutely minuscule energy for the relationship he shares with the Siren Islander.
The man who’s so attractive has no energy for the relationship, you, etc?
And, if you’re dating, the man who DOES have serious energy for you, actually considers you and your feelings, wants and needs before his own interests – does he feel boring? Or not attractive?
Here’s where Debra begins:
Okay Love, and thank you for sharing…this ..
You are not the only woman who can relate to this…so…
Let me explain a new way of approaching this for you.
We are going to leave behind ‘old ways’ of trying to ‘change him for his own good’.
That never works, and always creates distance if not complete disconnection.
So, we begin with getting in touch with your emotions as they arise…moment by moment.
We are emotional creatures, and every action taken arises from our ‘emotional state’ at the time.
Most women, when they come to Siren Island, have been repressing their emotions on one of three ways:
1. They analyze the why and think about them as opposed to ‘feel them’. They believe they can ‘reason’ away emotions they do not ‘believe they like’, or that they think are ‘bad’.
2. They blame others, the man, the job, the situation they are in for their emotions. They try to solve for emotions by changing the situation and or the job.
3. They buffer in multiple ways: move from man to man, over-drink, over-work, constantly seeking and never finding.
So the first thing is to notice IF you are doing any of that (even in your mind’s eye…).
Then stop doing it….
This means do not even consider changing him, telling him he needs to change, and how he is in pain because of …anything.
What you can change is ‘yourself’ and your reaction.
You ask in your post for help in knowing how to react… so…
I ask you:- how do you react now?
Let’s focus on that..
How do you react, when you believe he is immature, angry, negative, and neglects you?
How do you react each morning when “this thought and that thinking” – that you’ve now done the step of noticing – is running through your mind, as he’s talking to you about whatever topic he’s talking about?
Let’s begin there…
How do you ‘feel’?
I am here…and if you tag me..I will continue this thread with you …love!
From Rori: Debra’s last line – that Debra will “continue this thread…”- is the core of Siren Island.
Once you become a Siren Island member, even a “trial” member, and post a question (a general one, or about your specific, urgent situation…) – the coaches will find your post, come to you and coach you in the comments of your post. AND – as you continue the conversation with “replies’ – the coaches will continue to work with you.
This continues, as long as you continue to post.
All of the brilliant Siren Island coaches will get to know you, I will get to know you, and you will find yourself moving from one Modern Siren step to another, learning, growing – and beginning to SOLVE your situation, without “thinking your way through it”.