Delight Train Now Boarding!

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traintracksA male friend just told me about an in-person session with his life coach.

It was a “down” conversation they’d had, another puzzle-solving session, and the coach asked him: “How much delight do you experience?”

My friend looked at the coach as though he’d spoken in some ancient, non-understandable language.

“What?” he stared, actually asking for the definition of the word “delight.”

When my friend told me the story, he still seemed puzzled…and bothered that he had no idea how to even access “delight,” much less bring more into his life.

I told him: “Well, I do delight very well. I’d feel happy to share mine with you…”

I pointed out what he’s always seen in my words and behavior:

“ooo…look, a bird!” (Yes, the “ooo’s” and the exclamation points are how I really speak…as though I’m discovering and saying “ooo…a double rainbow over there!”)

“ooo…a cloud shaped like a bear!”

“ooo…a snail on that leaf!”

(And when I’m really in the zone I speak as I teach my clients to…as a “poet…”):

“ooo…I feel so excited to see that caterpillar inching along here…” (complete with my lowering myself to the ground and intently studying the caterpillar moving…)

“ooo…I feel so…back in England feeling this mist around me…”

“ooo…I feel five years old with this puppy looking at me….”

And then, I realize, look at my friend and say:

“And I also do ‘being in my head’ very well…”

“…and I also do ‘shut down’ very well…”

“…and I also do ‘rush to judgment very well…”

And so I realized I do many things very well.

It’s just that not all of them feel good, or like what I’m supposed to be doing well, or what helps or serves me.

Regardless, I do them very well.

I can also “Wake Up” very well.

*I notice I do not speak anger very well, but I certainly DO anger, inside myself, very well. I can GO there very well.

*I can go to making up all kinds of things very well.

*I can black out by being in my thoughts for 20 minutes on a walk with trees I love around me the whole way.

Then, when I “wake up,” I can spend more time in my head by denouncing myself for being in my head, and then mentally punishing myself for it.

And then another 5 minutes of my life goes by.

OR – when I “wake up,” I can go “Oooo…an iridescent beetle on the ground! I feel like…jungle!”

And then…I’m doing delight very well.

I can do what I want. I’m good at many things.

I get to choose.

A never-ending barrage of stimuli, moments; things to hear, see, touch, taste, smell. A milli-moment-by-millimoment choice to be made.

Will I be in my head? Or will I be “here”?

Will I distract myself with my thoughts about what I just thought, did, said, imagined – or will I be here?

I can live my life in my head, like I’m always watching a movie playing – or I can actually live it, two feet on the ground…

…no matter WHAT it feels like, looks like, shows up like.

Choosing “here” means giving up all control.

It means surrendering to what I “don’t know.”

It means living my life on the edge of the unknown, and walking off that edge every single moment.

It means getting used to discomfort and fear.

It means building your “brave” muscle a baby-step at a time, until you no longer really care what “he” does, or says.

*Until everything that shows up becomes simply “information.”

Until everything becomes simply “data” that’s filtered in (however your personal subconscious filters work), gathered and treasured (not “mulled” over).

Until that data is graciously allowed to “organically” (yeah, sort of like a compost heap) churn out new paths, new ideas, new impulses, new ways to step off the edge into the unknown.

New ways to be brave – AND on your own side at all times.

New ways to choose delight over nearly everything else – no matter what you’re doing, or what it looks like out there.

I love the train marked “delight.” It feels tickly.

It helps me know that when I look at our dog, Nell, I can either jump to worrying, thinking about how the heck are we going to give her a bath and whether or not she’s potentially ill, jump to imagining the hard life she’s had – OR I can just take delight in her walking so mellowly beside me.

I can even make up assumptions about what’s going on with Nell. I can make her up as “vigilant.” I can make her up as “long-suffering.” I can make her a mental clone of my own mental process.

When, really, she’s just walking beside me, experiencing her own experience, gathering her own information however she gathers information.

It doesn’t matter.

I can be sad, or grumpy, or stubbornly working out a “problem” in my head – or I can be here.

Of everything in the world, everything going on, I can choose to put my attention on what’s “delightful.”

I can choose to put my attention on what feels delightful, and on experiencing the feeling of delight.

I am, regardless of what I think, the master of my mental choices.

I am the master of the meaning in my life, for, to me – nothing means anything until I say what that meaning is.

And – how can I, given the scope of All There Is, even begin to comprehend, much less pronounce, the meaning of anything?

I like the feeling of feeling humble. I like giving up knowing meaning.

I like the feeling of information flowing through my senses, and the feeling of letting the information be organized and arranged and stamped and categorized and titled and subtitled “elsewhere” (if there’s any of this at all going on anywhere “elsewhere”).

***Ohhh…and not “elsewhere” as in “other people” (because part of not giving meaning to anything includes not taking other people’s “meanings” personally)…but “elsewhere” as in “The Unknown.”

The Unknown “thing” (or “not-thing,” because I don’t believe I know much of anything) I step into every moment, and don’t try to “figure out.”

Living this way takes practice. I’m a baby at this.

I love you all for lighting the way…

Let’s light each other’s way.

To the Unknown! To the Delight Train-> Now boarding!

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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159 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on October 22, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    YAY 🙂



  2.  #2Daria on October 22, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    I feel :/ with humble

    i feel happy i feel :/ with humble

    i feel yay with cool big power

    i feel yay with flowing info

    o fee; xcited with organic info working itself out

    i feel scared!

    i love my scary



  3.  #3Daria on October 22, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    what if i was doimg it all wrong for imagining and working wtih the big world i saw?

    that doesnt feel good

    feels scrunchy face

    feels better to feel good

    i like the brigt white on the computer… feels fun

    feels safe and love and snowshine



  4.  #4Daria on October 22, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    aww Veronica 🙂 that felt so good to read your feelings… hehehe i feel goooodddd

    here’s another hug lol (((((((Veronica)))))))



  5.  #5Zia on October 22, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Love it. Everything is a choice 🙂



  6.  #6Lisa on October 22, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    WOW ok the feeling messages haven’t worked with “T” no contact… ?? Go figure… the one man that I had so much in common with…. but no expectations.. though I did catch myself hoping he would step up…. obviously not in his presence but I was hoping he would respond.. I did what Dominique suggested with the e-mail.. Nothing…yet…

    But “C” called tonight… and it was nice hearing his voice for the first time…. though I think he is going to be pushing for me to come up to see him first, but I did find out he has close family that could watch his child… HOW do I script in feeling messages for him to come to me…?? I’m feeling very old fashioned these days and I feel more comfortable with you visiting me??

    I need help with that script… doesn’t feel easy yet…

    I haven’t texted “T” back.. and I noticed he didn’t respond to my e-mail today with “I’m excited to hear more about your dream. It would feel much better hearing your voice on the phone. ”

    Ok well crap! The ones I want to step up, don’t… and he “T” doesn’t drink.. so he was more of a match for me… but he was 8 years older and that might of been an issue?

    OH well my life is certainly full!!! and the moon tonight is incredible! I can relate to Rori’s post.. I’m the same way.. ooooo look the moon, oooo, ooo! look the clouds around the mountains looks so incredible!!! OMG!!! look isn’t it beautiful!!!

    that is so me…. and I love that about me… the delight and childlike wonder…. and I’d love to have someone to share that with…

    I’ve had men react strangely to the feeling messages… and with “M” he was at times acting like they were controlling… ?? I don’t know… anyone else experience that?

    OXOXOXO



  7.  #7angela on October 22, 2013 at 8:09 pm

    “I am the master of the meaning in my life, for, to me – nothing means anything until I say what that meaning is.”

    Yes and yes to this, wow Rori I am going to start practicing this, i have been in my head too long especially when things dont go as planned, I want to figure out why, why this or that.
    It doesn’t help though!
    I give up(little by little of course) trying to figure things out, scary as it is.
    It feels so scary, because then what do i solve how do i make my life what i want it to be? Hmm
    Who knows?
    But i know living in delight is a better choice for my mind today and forever.



  8.  #8Indigo on October 22, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    Lisa 6,

    I don’t know if this would be right for you, but if it were me, with the man who is pushing for you to come and see him, I would just say it really simply with no frills or fanfare.

    Just smile or laugh sweetly and say “Oh no, I’d never drive to a man on a first date!” Not really much to argue with there, really 😉



  9.  #9mary on October 22, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    hello to Daria

    hello to Dominique

    thank you to Mercedes!

    it felt so wonderful and welcoming to read your feedback!

    i’m so out of sorts these days. it feels so awful to know that another person is lonely because i moved away. it feels awful to feel lonely, too.

    i said no to continuing on the way we were going. i said no to things that didn’t feel good to me. i said no to more of the same things not working. i said no to the ring.

    but my saying no meant pain for me and for him!

    oh my goodness! !! !!!!

    i hate that!

    but i do still love talking with him, from this distance, and hearing his voice, and touching base, and laughing and giggling and talking about our days… that feels so wonderful!

    wow Mercedes, thanks for the vote of confidence!

    i think i will just keep on keeping on, doing my thing, figuring out the new country, the new city, the new place to live, making new friends and finding a new career. that’s quite enough for now.

    and i will smile at the world!

    thank you!

    yes, i can do this!

    love to all of you,

    kisses too,

    ~ Mary



  10.  #10mary on October 22, 2013 at 10:34 pm

    oh, and i will fly into town for his mom’s funeral… she is leaving the planet… because sometimes people need people who love them! and i’m that very special person who loves this guy… so it’s my privilege to be there… even if i can make no promises. even if things are more off than on with us. even if there are things that don’t work… even if we have no future as man and wife.

    i’m just going as a person. not as a girlfriend. so that’s cool.

    i’m happy about that!

    !! !



  11.  #11Vi on October 23, 2013 at 5:01 am

    I can do ‘jump into defensiveness’ very well! I can do ‘hanging out in my head’ very well! I can do ‘worry and anxiety’ very very well!! and I AM well even if I am doing all that!! YAY! And now I am doing ‘giggle’ very well)))



  12.  #12Dominique on October 23, 2013 at 5:17 am

    Lisa – 6 – Feeling messages when used correctly draw most anyone in. The first thing is that they are not meant to “work”. They are primarily for you to get in touch with yourself and how YOU feel, to go deeper within yourself. As a result, people feel safer and closer to you because you are being real, authentic.

    And they need to be used for feelings and emotions, not for thoughts.

    xxoo



  13.  #13Dominique on October 23, 2013 at 5:18 am

    Mary – If you need to talk, let me know.

    xxoo



  14.  #14Lisa on October 23, 2013 at 5:35 am

    @Dominique Thanks!!!! Does that mean I used them incorrectly? Sorry I’m confused… but I’m noticing that some men don’t respond to them… which I guess I was under the impression that would “weed them out” I thought I read… masculine men would be drawn to it…..ok now I’m confusing myself…

    OXOXOX



  15.  #15Cris on October 23, 2013 at 5:40 am

    OH YES full attention to small things. That’s the key and that’s what I am learning. Thanks for the inspiring post 🙂



  16.  #16Cris on October 23, 2013 at 5:41 am

    thanks Rori



  17.  #17Liz on October 23, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Delight. Hmmmm. Just a quick question looking for opinions. My guy asked me to work with him on a special project that means the world to him. He had a business partner and I would help out here and there in the past. But today he asked if I could take a more active role in it. He said we used to share more things before and now with our schedules not as much. And with this new project maybe we would have more time together like we used to when we worked on a previous project together over a year ago. I heard a tenderness in his voice that I hadn’t heard in a while. In fact he stumbled over his words a bit. He talked about introducing me to some of his friends who are in the project that I have not yet met. I would love to do it. It’s an interest that we both share. Is this a good thing? I don’t want to mess up our 1.5 year relationship since we got back on track 5 months ago. Any thoughts?



  18.  #18Dominique on October 23, 2013 at 5:58 am

    Lisa – it’s possible though please try not to fret about any of this. It’s all a learning and growing process. I mostly want you to feel clearer that feeling messages are not so much about working on others as about opening you up more deeply, getting in touch with how you feel, and allowing vulnerability by expressing these feelings. xxoo



  19.  #19Femininewoman on October 23, 2013 at 6:39 am

    Liz my first thoughts are as long as you remain the feminine and let him. He is asking for help because this what he needs from you right now. I believe your awareness is what will serve you best while working with him.



  20.  #20Femininewoman on October 23, 2013 at 7:06 am

    ooo It was so delightful reading this article I felt sucked in by all the expressions and suggestions. It feel curious about experimenting with “giving up knowing meaning” Ooo I feel excited about boarding the delight train.



  21.  #21Emerson on October 23, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Hi sirens…
    I feel grateful that I learned from rori to notice details and feel excited about little things like dewdrops on grass or a bird in a tree…
    It’s a way to stay in the moment…
    I feel a need for lots of affection and I feel excited to see recycledcd on Friday for a cuddle and maybe more…
    I know not to get attached to him but it helps having the attention so I don’t sink down to feeling so lonely and needy for a hug or cuddle…
    I really do need physical touch or I feel so alone and sad…after I split from toxicex I went through a long time without it… It was very painful for me. Don’t want to go back there.



  22.  #22Emerson on October 23, 2013 at 7:26 am

    17
    Liz it sounds like he is looking for a way to connect with you it sounds good!



  23.  #23Emerson on October 23, 2013 at 7:57 am

    CutecityCD is texting and being sexy flirty but I don’t always reply…
    I’m feeling bored with texting.
    He is not available and he is not “in front of me”….



  24.  #24Femininewoman on October 23, 2013 at 8:07 am


  25.  #25Lisa on October 23, 2013 at 8:45 am

    @Dominique Thanks I do tend to get in my head at times…

    I’m so 2 brained… I can be very logical and cerebral and yet, I’m so much like the post… living in delight… I notice the small things in life, I always have… kind of weird that I can toggle back and forth from logic to delight…

    I had an amazing thing happen today in therapy… I was expressing the realizations I had this week, which were huge… and how maybe people think I don’t value myself…. when she ask me how to I value myself, to her surprise I had a long list of things…. which included, prevention of cancer, gallbladder disease, improving my hearing and keeping myself out of toxic relationships and my personal growth… amazing how people percieve me to be… isn’t who I am…

    in that convo we continued on about me being insignificant growing up, and how I was treated.. ( not going into victimization here) just noticing… and how I was sleeping on the floor at age 17-18… b/c my bed was in the basement… and I couldn’t sleep with all the bugs….

    She was bringing me to my feels about it, how that felt and I was doing what I always do, not acting like it was a big deal… and then right before I was getting ready to get up she said ” Lisa, you don’t have to be a slave anymore”… it was like a jolt through me and I had a pain in my heart, it opened up… I was sobbing so hard… sobbing and sobbing…

    I had finally realized the story I’ve been creating in my life over and over… being a slave….. working for nothing getting nothing in return, no love, no payment, just expected to continue to perform regardless of how I felt, how exhausted I was, how much homework I had. The only thing that I was able to get a break was being sick…

    Otherwise, I had no needs, desires, wants that was really ever listened to… or respected or granted… and so I attract men that don’t listen to my needs, respect them or grant them or even my wants for that matter…

    after that, I realized I had a belief that all I’m good for is sex…. wow… imagine what men I attract with that belief….

    Lots of good work today… I’m resting, I’m tired… and time to create a world for me and little me…that includes needs and wants getting met… being respected… and cherished…

    OXXOXO



  26.  #26Femininewoman on October 23, 2013 at 9:18 am

    Renew, release, let go. Yesterday’s gone. There’s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can’t “should’ve” done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!

    — Steve Maraboli



  27.  #27Linda on October 23, 2013 at 10:13 am

    Delight!!.. hmmm I am very often that person that notices and feels a ripple of excitement coarse thru me. Easily tickled and delighted with little things in life. After reading this I realize that is not me anymore….I have not felt any delight ripples lately. My heart and spirit feel tired and heavy. I feel shut down.

    I have been encouraged to rest and look into my heart for direction and what it really wants. I have been and it is telling me some things I just was not expecting to hear.

    THe back and forth drama with FavoriteCD is a big factor in my heart shutting down and tiredness. Breaking things off with him though hard, felt saine. I wanted away from the upheavel and pain. The part in it that made it so hard was because he did many many of the things that had hoped to find in a relationship. What has erroded is my feeling of saftey and being able to relax in love with him. We have talked so many times… but the cycle repeats itself. It has again after his temper tantrum, throwing things. leaving 2 weeks ago and my honestly saying I do not see how a relationship with things as they are now… flourshing between us….he says please lets not throw this away, he offers more understandingm acceptance..etc etc. THe logical side of me says.. hey this guy is trying give him the benefit of the doubt, try again, give it more time. THe heart side of me is shut down. Simple as that. Honestly…I feel like I have stayed too long, been talked into something again…and continuing a relationship with him feels like I am inviting disfuction. At the heart of all that is … my heart, no matter which angle I look I cannot find the one thing I need to feel. “I am not in love with him”. Right now.. he is again being the man I always wished I could find… attentive, going out of his way to do little things.. expressive of his love for me.. intentions toward me, affirmation of my worth, beauty, his desire of me… all the things I was looking for. BUT… I feel unable to relax, I feel wary , squirmy and compromised, when he does wonderful things I CANT MELT ANYMORE !. I have been trying to locate what is wrong with me, what I need to fix get in touch with so I can and move forward with him…. I dont feel peace about it I feel out of step with him and off my bridge. I readily admit today that my head is trying to convince my heart it will be ok… but it is isnt budging. THe bottom line… my heart is just not ” in it” I have not wanted to be guilty of throwing away a good man the possiblitly of it all being good.

    There is another issue that has been nagging at me for months and it is a powerful motivator. I have been feeling sorrow and loss . There is guilt too. It all is related to my marriage. I feel tethered. I have to explore why. Part of it my grandchildren, kids, holidays.. I sometimes feel like I made a mistake leaving, but at other times I feel like I did the right thing. I have spoken to my ex about it. I do not know what will happen. Something is dislocated and is aching to be put back into joint. I dont know what that means or how to do it.



  28.  #28Linda on October 23, 2013 at 11:03 am

    I do wish I felt differently.. for a time thru this last year, deep feelings were starting to bud and grow. Just as I would start to feel relaxed and excited…a rant tyraid would emerge. I guess if there had been a deep rooting I might feel differently and find more ability to remain. That is not the case here.

    I simply can not make a commitment… I need to fess up embrace it.

    Underlying this is growing concern for $ issues. He has asked for help 3 times (paid me back) to keep his lights from being turned off for non- payment of his light bill. THis time he just said, hey you are gonna have a house guest till friday (payday). He did not ask, just assumed. I am toooo nice and said ok, but had it in my heart to tell him I did not want to see him anymore yesterday.

    He can stay with his mother. I feel bad, I just cant pretend anymore.



  29.  #29Linda on October 23, 2013 at 11:09 am

    I have made this much harder than it should have been. I should have stuck with my decision 3 break ups ago. I got talked out of it. I have never had a man seem to want to be with me so much! hmmm

    I wont beat myself up about it. I want to heal that part of me. Yes is yes and no is no



  30.  #30Lisa on October 23, 2013 at 11:20 am

    @ Linda no need to pretend anymore…. be real and honest… it doesn’t feel good anymore… he will find someone else to crash with… take care of you…

    OXOXOX



  31.  #31Femininewoman on October 23, 2013 at 11:29 am

    (((((((((((Linda))))))))))))))

    I feel confident you will find the answers you need inside you.



  32.  #32Liquid Light on October 23, 2013 at 11:50 am

    I went to a Match mixer last night. It was fun. A guy from the speed dating event was there and we chatted and flirted. He ended up giving me a ride back to my office. It was a very enjoyable night. The event was great and well attended.

    Also another guy from speed dating has been calling me consistently. I’m not used to talking on the phone too much (I don’t really like it) but we’ve had several conversations which have been easy and fun. He called twice when I was out last night. He seems like a sweetie!



  33.  #33April Rose on October 23, 2013 at 12:44 pm

    I feel delight when I remember I am here on the Earth to experience beauty and joy and sparkles in my tummy and heart….mmmm



  34.  #34Lemonbutter on October 23, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    I feel a delight in healing, in feeling free, in listening to beautiful music, in putting my heart and dreams into a new project.

    I feel good in the silence. The silence being no hurt, no drama. I actually feel free for the first time in about three years.

    Free and refreshed. I am taking delight in that. It feels potentially powerful.



  35.  #35Lisa on October 23, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    Omg
    i’ve been circle dating since I was 17…. memories coming up…..

    I got my heart broken really bad and from them on I was just hanging out with guys being friends doing things with them and one in particular we hit it off…. his name was Todd… and though I didn’t just go out with him, I was dating other guys too… and Todd acted strange when I told him I had a date… but see Todd never actually ask me out on a date.. we just hung out.. at McDonalds and talked for hours… he eventually kissed me..( that was an amazing kiss) and then said he’d already ask someone else to the prom… we hung out at the prom… but I wasn’t his date.

    but since I was far wiser than my age, I had decided that he would have to claim me if he wanted me… and he didn’t… and so I kept dating other guys… I was dating 3 at a time… and loved it..

    one of which was a friend of his…

    ( I had not had sex at this point ever)

    but when Todd and I did finally go out… he brought me home and then made a horrid comment about where I lived… and from that point on, I never had anything to do with him again… I was done… that was a deal breaker for me…

    since I was dating other guys, I didn’t think it was a big deal… I was on my horse ( I didn’t use that term at that time- I’m using Rori’s term) and kept going.. until one of them ask me to marry him…. and one did… ( bad thing was this was the man that ended up abusing me.)

    So, I think I can look back now and say I never dealt with the pain of Todd… and I married my ex husband, even though I cried right before I walked down the isle ( b/c I wasn’t sure why I was crying and I didn’t know what I was really feeling) b/c I had love for him, but I also wasn’t sure it was right… I realized the wedding night I’d made a mistake…

    I can’t believe this memory came back to me after all this time…

    Todd rejected me b/c I was poor – or back them middle class.. lower middle class…

    and my Dad had AS and was very junky around the yard… so it looked awful… wasn’t anything I could do about it…but it was embarrassing… and even though I was poor, I had dignity…

    but I’ve been attracting well to do men and I fear being rejected b/c I’m not good enough… and like with “M” I feel it was there also…..meaning I was poor or didn’t have the social status….

    Todd couldn’t come to my wedding b/c he sent a message to me, it was too hard for him emotionally and he couldn’t handle it… I told the girl that told me the message… well he had his chance and he could have come after me, if he’d really wanted me… and he didn’t he let me marry someone else…

    I guess I’ve never dealt with the hurt it caused me over falling in love with Todd and I’m pretty sure he felt the same way… ( we never said it) and then being rejected b/c my parents didn’t have the right social status…

    I still to this day will walk away if a man feels I’m less than b/c of social status… and yet here it is continually repeating itself…

    Just thinking out loud…

    OXOXOX



  36.  #36Tereana on October 23, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    Andrea – WOW!! I’m responding here because it’s the new thread, but I just read the note that you wrote to me in #124 from the last thread. Thank you so much! Your words really resonated with me, and I LOVED your script about trusting your man and his intuition and timing. In fact, I haven’t spoken to my man in several days, and I’ve really been taking this time to focus on me and to feel my feelings and let my thoughts shift wherever they will, without reaching out to him to make contact or say anything. I figured that I need this space, and so does he. But in thinking about what I eventually want to say to him, I was coming into a similar idea to what you were writing about. And there are other things, too, but I think, in the end, I want to keep it short. I don’t want to overburden him with “my ideas” and “what I think” and picking apart “what happened.” I’ve been doing a lot of that in my brain. But what it really comes down to is trust. And I love that you said that you feel you can really trust his intuition, and (you didn’t say this, but I’m inferring it) that you were coming from a place of trusting yourself, without justifying or defending.

    I love that. And when I talk to him, I think I want to come from that kind of stance, with my gravity full-center, trusting myself, and knowing that if I lead with that, in my heart, he’ll know that he can trust me, too.

    And it felt good writing that, so I can use it : )

    Thanks!! Feels like we are in sync! 🙂



  37.  #37Tereana on October 23, 2013 at 6:12 pm

    A great quote today from Lara Fernandez (http://drlarafernandez.com/) that I really needed to hear:

    “It all turns out wonderfully in the end. If it’s not wonderful, it’s not the end.”

    Yay! 🙂



  38.  #38Tereana on October 23, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Indigo, Lemonbutter and Lisa –

    I just read your responses to me from the last thread! (62,63 & 64). Don’t know how I missed them!

    Anyway, thank you soooo much.

    Yes, I have been doing my best to focus my thoughts on positive helpful things these last few days. And even though I still don’t like some of the feelings that I’m having, I’m simply paying attention to them, and letting them tell me what they need to tell me, and then moving on. That feels good! Each day, I get more sleep, and I feel slightly better.

    I am a sensitive soul. And yet, for some reason, I like how frank EMK is. When I said I was “reading him” I meant that I was reading his e-book, which I purchased a while back and have not fully read yet. And I have to say, it really is chock-full (as they say) of useful information that yields lots of insights, even – or especially – when you reread the sections. Because the first time it will mean something different to you than the second time. So I’m finding it really helpful to “get inside the guy mind.”

    But, as always, I do read his stuff (and all relationship experts), with a grain of salt. Really, they can only be a true “expert” in their own lives. What they have done – including EMK, including Rori, and all the rest – is what worked for them. And parts of it may work for you. But *your* solution is going to be totally unique to who you are and to your exact circumstances. *You* are the expert in your own life, how you feel, what is happening, and what you want to do.

    All I can say is, when things are going well (especially with this particular guy), I feel at ease and right with the world, and everything seems magical. When he’s pulling away, I feel “off.” And I’ve noticed something else, which just came clear the last time we spoke: he is a LOT like my father in some very key ways, which I never noticed at first. WTF?? I thought the was like the opposite of my dad! lol. Oh well. It’s classic, but I guess it happens a lot. And hey, I really don’t even know if he’s the guy for me, at this point. He very may not be.

    And I really am very sensitive. This means I have certain responses and needs that are different from most people. And he is sensitive also. And I need to keep these things in mind: He is a man. He is sensitive.

    That’s pretty much it. I can understand him better because I am sensitive. I now understand how things affect me. He may not have that understanding. But I can respect his needs…

    And in the end, no matter what happens, it will all turn out wonderfully 🙂



  39.  #39Magnolia on October 23, 2013 at 9:10 pm

    I started a small journey on my delight train today. 🙂 I sat in a park and observed a deer family sauntering in the park. It felt absolutely delightful ! I love watching animals.

    I follow this blog a lot but have not written anything yet. I am married to a very difficult man and I am really learning to take care of myself- baby step by baby step. I feel sad that I am in my late 20s and I have not learnt yet to really take care of myself. But no beating myself up. I will take care of myself by taking myself out to date myself while my man ignores me. I will do my homework at coffee shops and stay away from a house that feels so cold and lonely; I do not want to deal with coldness, aloofness, being tested and boundaries being pushed. I will board my delight train and take myself somewhere to see something new.



  40.  #40angela on October 23, 2013 at 9:23 pm

    Lisa your thinking out loud touched my heart tonight.



  41.  #41Veronica on October 23, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    Daria – 4 – (((Daria))) – thank you, feeling big kind of smily right now : )



  42.  #42Veronica on October 23, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    I am feeling nervous about men wanting to meet me and contact me. My boy is keeping watch over me, choosing good sweet guys to respond to. One wants to phone me, one wants to meet me, one wants to visit me just to have a conversation – and now I sense this is the real beginning of practicing receiving or just being. I feel that urge to lean forward and say how we should meet, etc. while also not quite sharing how I feel with this attention which feels safe for now.

    I had this very small moment yesterday where I felt free – it suddenly didn’t matter that BM ‘rejected’/’didn’t choose’ me. It just slid off me. This newer energy could be more clearer in me where I could ask myself ‘what do I really want now that I don’t feel rejected?’



  43.  #43Tereana on October 23, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    My friend’s cat is literally sitting with her butt on my shoulder right now. Lol

    Veronica, that sounds like a very cool sensation – to release the feeling of “rejected” and feel free.

    It sounds fun! In a way…opening, at least



  44.  #44Tereana on October 23, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    Slow on the blog today…

    I’ve been CD-ing this week, in a way. I feel grateful to have had the opportunity to spend time with some other men, to remind myself of how I can feel around different people.

    Tonight I had dinner with a former CD. He’s contacted me out of the blue before, and I always get the sense that he is feeling me out, or the situation, to see if we could date again. But we can’t. Every time, I am reminded of why it didn’t work out in the first place.

    This time, when I sat down and he started making small talk, I stopped him, because I felt distracted. And I told him straight out that, while I really didn’t know his intentions for seeing me, I did not have any desire to date him again. He seemed a little surprised, but he accepted it. And then I was able to have a conversation with him.

    Last night, I actually spent the night at a man’s house. I slept in his bed. He held me most of the night. And we didn’t have sex. He started to go there, but I said no, and I told him why. I said that I don’t want to have random sex with partners anymore. He understood. He said he “was cool.” I’m quite sure he was disappointed. But I felt so much better for sticking to my guns. I knew it would be really hard for me to be there and to not have sex with him. But I did it. And he bought me pizza, and we watched comedy on Netflix. It was a great night : )

    And tomorrow…is another day

    Bonsoir, mes demoiselles! 😉



  45.  #45Emerson on October 23, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Tonight I realized I don’t have to have a mans approval or love to feel like a valuable person. I’m ok with just me.
    But I do want a partner.



  46.  #46Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 12:58 am

    This talk about cats (though I love them) has triggered a memory that feels sore.

    Was involved with a man who said he chose which women to have relationships with, based on who his cat approved of.

    I always felt as if I was ‘less then’ the cat because of that. She was the Queen up high, and I was a pauper down below seeking her mighty approval.

    It makes me feel uncomfortable thinking about it, and it gives me a bitter feeling in my mouth. At that time, I already had extremely low self-esteem, this was something I didn’t need on top of it.

    Her Majesty actually really liked me, but he still treated me at times as if, he couldn’t decide if I was ‘good enough’. Apparently he was picky.

    Sometimes it felt like HE was the FEMALE and I was the MALE trying to win him over. Makes me feel annoyed thinking about that.

    I can’t believe I put myself through all of that. Had I known about Rori Raye’s blog at that time, I’d have been able to….I don’t know……..drop someone who turned out to hurt me badly.

    It taught me something, the ‘nice guys’ can be just as harmful as the ‘bad boys’.



  47.  #47Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 1:06 am

    I was once leaving his house….he turned around to me and said: “Goodbye to the cat. We have manners in this house.”

    At the time I just looked up at him, not knowing what to feel about that….I felt numb….but I looked and smiled at the cat and said ‘goodbye.’

    It wasn’t her fault he was a pompous ass.

    I feel like screaming at the memories that are coming up. I honestly numbed myself to things that didn’t feel right at the time, and squashed everything down.
    Now that I am actually aware of my feelings….these memories feel overwhelming.

    I actually feel like going to smash something right now.



  48.  #48Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 1:20 am

    I feel an aversion now to single men who act like they’re mentally married to their cat.

    I feel an aversion to men who are over-sensitive to the point you feel like you are walking on egg-shells.

    I feel an aversion to men who call all their exes ‘psychos’.
    There’s probably a reason why they turned out that way.



  49.  #49Linda on October 24, 2013 at 6:02 am

    I followed thru.

    I talked to him as soon as I got home. I had a huge lump in my throat and pit in my stomach. I did not want to deliver news that I know is not pleasant. I certainly have been on the receiving end of a breakup of a couple of times.

    I simply said. I have something I need to tell you. I have searched deeply in my heart and I can not find the one thing that I need in order to do this with you anymore. I am not in love with you and I cannot give you the commitment that you want from me to be a couple and keep going here. I do not want to hurt you lead you on. I can not pretend and feel it only right to be honest. I told him I appreciate so much all of the wonderful good things about him and that was the biggest reason that I have struggled with making a final decision about it all. I brought up nothing negative…no justifications.. no reasons why.. just that I could not find the one thing in my heart that I wanted so much to find there.

    Surprisingly…he wanted to know if there was someone else? Which I calmly said “No” , “I have no desire to even look or date” . He just sat there.. and said.. well I will get my things and leave. While he was doing that the thing that created all this for me came out again. He became verbally abusive. In one sentence he assinated my character, integrity and tried to inflict huge guilt for not having his back when he has no electricity or heat! I responded with “you would have me be dishonest and lie to you ??”, can you stay with your mom??( who lives 5 minutes from him).. to which he said.. NO, I will just stay in a dark cold apartment. He said he never ever wanted to see or be in the same room with me again..he said “Dont try to contact me…I dont ever want to hear from you again”.. I calmly said “you wont”. As he, left the last thing I heard from his mouth was..”I hope you fall off the FU#KING planet”!!!! As he slammed my door and peeled out of my driveway I took a deep breath… and felt relief and sadness and loss all at the same time.

    His actions proved me right. Confirmed my decision. This is a part of his character and it is what it is. My ability to live with , feel safe and fall in love with him is not there. He embodied and did so MANY of the things “my man would do” ….and that I want in my life forever. But in all honesty, when he was doing wonderful stuff for me after our history… I felt like they were fake and in conditional.

    Today I know I did the right thing, I just wished it wasnt. Today I am happy that I did not sacrifice myself for the sake of this relationship. Today I am glad that I have closed the door on this and did not settle….. today I am standing on my bridge, not moving, but on it none the less. This acted in many ways like “my man” but wasnt.



  50.  #50Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Linda, it sounds like you did a tremendously hard thing, and saw it through. He really sounds like a toxic person….and I have a feeling he could try to make his way back into your life, but I’d certainly make sure that couldn’t happen.

    You deserve someone who is in a healthy place, ready to love you and be there with and for you.



  51.  #51Linda on October 24, 2013 at 7:04 am

    I am thankful for this blog and all the things I have learned here. I am so glad I could see manipulation and not accept credit for things I did not do. (like him not having lights or heat / not paying his electric bill) The most important thing is that I have learned and love the value of ME!! I feel supported here.

    I once saw a demonstration that served a great illustration . If you want to know who you “really” are..

    A person is firmly holding a glass of water that is half full, elbow bent and glass level. Another person comes and applies increasing downward pressure on the arm of the person holding the glass. The persons arm holding the glass, resisting the pressue starts to tremble and the water in the glass eventually starts to jump out of it.

    THe question posed is “why did the water come out”?? The answer… “because it was in the glass”
    The analogy…. we are the glass and what is in us is the water. when the pressure of life comes at us, what is in us WILL come out!

    It is a very raw and self revealing thing to see what comes out when a person including yourself is under pressure. It is an indication of character and how difficulty is handeled. Anger, ingnoring, fleeing, seeking to understand… responding, reacting etc, etc.

    I feel so sad and disappointed to see what came out of FavoriteCD over the last year. It was without default…always anger, with foul language, put downs, ill wishes…

    He always described me as the kindest person that he had ever known…. well I especially feel the most sad that the last words that I heard utter from his mouth were so ugly and wishing me ill and my demise.

    I wish I had some magic dust to sprinkle on all this and he would have changed after the very first time this all reared its head in our relationship. (march of this year)… sigh

    I learned a lot from the relationship… he had some wonderful messages for me. I will always be thankful for the healing he brought to me as a woman…and the opportunity to be tested and prove that I can choose what I want and invite into my life and its okay!

    I wish him love, blessing, wellness, even though it is not what he wishes for me.



  52.  #52magic seahorse on October 24, 2013 at 7:17 am

    Linda,

    Warm big hugs sweet siren. There is a seat on the Delight Train waiting just for you!!! Soft and squishy with just the right lumbar support……………. and a lovely silky lap blanket. Just for you:) Brava to YOU for listening to yourself. I feel so much admiration for right now. I could feel my spine straighten a bit more and my breathing go deep and even. I feel so dang PROUD and such JOY for you. Bigs hugs for Sweet Siren Linda! much love, magic seahorse



  53.  #53Cris on October 24, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Linda

    L
    O
    V
    E

    Y
    O
    U

    B
    R
    A
    V
    E

    G
    I
    R
    L



  54.  #54Linda on October 24, 2013 at 7:41 am

    Thank you Lemonbutter

    One of the things I feel the worst about is… that he really did.. DO and was lots of wonderful amazing things.and a giving remarkable lover. It was so hard walk away from so much I wanted. His easlily triggered anger truly is what was the stopper in all this.

    I do want a man who has all of what he offered and did for me… without the anger and lashing out at me or others. Anger and rage seeps in and affects everything.



  55.  #55Linda on October 24, 2013 at 7:46 am

    ladies… THANK YOU. Tears are flowing here.. I dont even know you but feel cared for.

    Under all my reasons, my heart hurts today too.



  56.  #56Femininewoman on October 24, 2013 at 7:50 am

    ((((((((((((Linda)))))))))))))))))))

    This too shall pass.



  57.  #57Emerson on October 24, 2013 at 8:54 am

    Sirens I feel kind if flat and uninspired with online dating.



  58.  #58Dominique on October 24, 2013 at 8:57 am

    Tereana – 38 – I love this. 🙂

    xxoo



  59.  #59Dominique on October 24, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Linda – 48 – Sending you much love.

    xxoo



  60.  #60Lisa on October 24, 2013 at 9:12 am

    @ Linda your brave! {{{hugs}}}

    @Tereana {{{hugs}}]

    Rori’s newsletter today, I was reading while eating lunch… makes me cry…

    Now I want to cry and cry and cry…

    It makes me feel that maybe I’m the one that messed up the relationship with “M”….. and it makes me doubt things… and though I know that men make huge mistakes in the relationship too, I don’t like the fact that it feels like it’s all on me…to do things the right way…with men.. so much pressure…

    It makes me feel like I want to start over with him and see …..

    It also makes me feel like there is no way, I’m going to be able to do all her work and keep up with all I have to do… and be … I feel hopeless at times… I do the best I can… I don’t know how you women do it…

    and yet she is right I try and figure things out…

    It was a coping mechanism I had when I was young living in the household I did, it made me feel safe, and in control of things, if I could figure them out, I could do something or help myself or keep myself safe… its a survival skill

    I feel so sad now…. really sad….

    OXOX



  61.  #61April Rose on October 24, 2013 at 9:42 am

    (((((((((Linda)))))))))

    ((((((((Lisa)))))))))



  62.  #62Indigo on October 24, 2013 at 9:45 am

    ((((Linda))))

    Love to you. I feel such admiration for you.



  63.  #63Indigo on October 24, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Lemonbutter 45

    Do you think this could have been a tactic for avoiding intimacy? I certainly think so.



  64.  #64Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 10:11 am

    Hi Indigo,

    I think so. He definitely has some intimacy/avoidant stuff going on (similar to myself around that time).

    I feel that my experience with was a learning period…a massive learning experience. I hope that he’s gained some positive insights and growth too, because I feel as if I have.

    It just hurts to remember certain things, but the frequency is lessening over time.



  65.  #65Indigo on October 24, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Lisa 59,

    If there’s one thing I feel you still need to learn, it’s being merciful to yourself… That feeling of, so I made mistakes.. so what? That decision of *making* it ok and safe for yourself.

    It sometimes seems to me that you drive yourself, because I recognize this from when I used to do it to myself, and I wonder if you realize how enough you are already.



  66.  #66Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Negotiator called last night again and we chatted briefly. He’s out of town on business and wants to get together when he gets back. He really seems like a good, solid guy.

    I’ve got a first date with someone tomorrow who is local, the next town over. He seems pretty interesting.

    And a bicycle ride with Muscles on Sat.

    Haven’t heard from the guy at the mixer about doing a hike.

    And Hometown seems to have disappeared. That’s kinda a bummer since I really felt that we had a nice connection.

    But all of these other men are interesting and accomplished and smart, so I’m feeling optimistic.

    I would definitely recommend the live Match events (if you’re on Match) as a great way to meet people!



  67.  #67Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 10:41 am

    Lisa 59,

    I have felt that way at times….that little doubt that can pop up and says: ‘was it me causing the problems all along?’

    The only thing I feel I can do about that is to accept that I did the best I could at that time. It would be interesting if I had the opportunity to do things again, to see if I would use the knowledge I’ve gained, and do things differently, in a much more Siren-like way.



  68.  #68Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 10:59 am

    OH yeah, I got into another art show. This one is just online but they have a nice catalog for the show so I ordered one!



  69.  #69Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 11:11 am

    I had this weird thing happen at work. I was talking to one of the engineers that I didn’t know very well. During the course of our conversation, we found out that we both had a friend in common. This was really strange because it was totally random and it was someone from the small town that I moved away from 4 hours away. The company where I work is in a large city so it was a pretty big coincidence. Unfortunately, I said to tell her hello but the truth of the matter is our friendship stopped about a year ago because of the way she was behaving towards me and my boyfriend. She was in a relationship at the time but that never seemed to stop her. Anyway, she did some things that made me really uneasy (truth be told she never really was a very good friend and I always sensed this competiton from her concerning men) around my ex and I decided I had had enough and ended the friendship.

    So now with this work colleague, I noticed how different he was acting towards me when I saw him a few days ago. I’m sure she’s spoken badly about me and influenced him negatively toward me. Sigh. So childish. I was ready to let it go and move on. Fortunately, I don’t have to deal with this guy at work very much but the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. They both seem like they are acting really immature.

    I showed him my artwork in the new show I got into (since he had expressed interest in our previous conversation) and he had something rather snarky to say about it! He then sent me a link to a friend of his art work and I returned the favor just to let him know that his behavior towards me was NOT OK. Such BS!!!

    Anyway, it was a bummer because I left that part of my life behind when I moved away and now I have this unpleasant reminder of the worst part of it when I go into work. I never should have opened my big mouth.



  70.  #70Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 11:17 am

    OK, I think I just needed to get that off my chest. It’s so weird though why did this happen? I mean its such a big coincidence, there must be a reason/lesson for me. I think maybe its to just not pay attention to people and events that aren’t positive influences in my life. The guy gave me a weird feeling even before this all happened. I need to trust my intuition more.

    Anyway, letting it go and moving on…



  71.  #71Tereana on October 24, 2013 at 11:46 am

    I had a very curious and vivid dream last night. I dreamt that I was shopping for wedding dresses. I was at a very fancy, upscale bridal shop, and the woman helping me said that we would have to go up one level in the building to try on dresses and would that be okay. I said sure. But instead, she drove me far out of the way to another building. On the way, the road was not just bumpy. It was down a steep hill and it had these massive pipes running across it that caused the jeep-like car she was driving to get actual air every time we hit one. I was afraid we would not hit the ground, or we would crash, but we landed fine, and went faster over the next one, gaining more “air.” And then I started to actually have fun, until we got to the bottom of the hill, and then the road turned, and we pulled into the driveway of what was basically a house, but was converted into a bridal suite to try on dresses.

    Initially, she showed me a dress that was corseted and structured, and I liked it a lot. But the one I ended up trying on was softer, more flexible, with lighter material and even cut-outs with sheer fabric showing skin. It was also dyed with light blue and yellow accents. It had a train or like some kind of veil that fell in front, and when I tried to walk up stairs, even while I was holding it, I kept stepping on the hem. I felt like I was hindered. I wasn’t able to move freely.

    Beside me, as I tried on the dress, were a lesbian couple. The two women could be there together, and one was wearing a traditional, large gown, while the other had a dress and also a fitted grey pinstripe suit-jacket (she was clearly the “butch” one ; ) They looked so happy and seemed to have it so easy together. The “fem” woman had a similar thing in the front of her dress, but she wasn’t stepping on her hem.

    The whole dream made me feel like the process of approaching marriage was frustrating. Like it involved huge bumps and down-hills (literally). And that when I released and let go of my fears, these were actually kind of fun and exciting. But at the same time, even when I found a dress that fit, it wasn’t perfect, and I was tripping on the hem. Plus, I was all alone in this search, there was no one with me. Yet those Lesbian women had each other. There was no man in this dream. No one that I was buying the dress for (at least not “on screen”). But it was me, approaching marriage, sort of, “all by myself.” Which is weird, right? You can’t really get married “all by yourself.” You have to do it WITH someone, otherwise you’re not really getting married at all.

    Heck, I don’t really know what this means…

    I’m nervous. I might speak with my man later today, and I might not. If it gets too late, I’ll have to call him tomorrow. I feel nervous. A tight, little butterfly in my stomach, low abdomen. It’s a kind of excitement. I feel powerful. I feel strong in my convictions. I trust myself. I know what is true for me. I know what I want to say (kind of). I’ve been working on my script, and I am definitely going to borrow from what Andrea wrote to me in the last thread also. Because that was amazing and articulated a lot of what I wanted to say also, but with my own twists.

    I just need to remember to keep it simple and on-track. I have a tendency to go into details and ride off on tangents and pretty soon the message is blurry (long blog posts anyone???) lol. Hey, that’s okay here, maybe, but not when I’m talking to my man. I need to make sure I can keep his attention, focus on what’s important, and not distract with extraneous details that will only serve to confuse – even if they are relevant and interesting. I need to boil this down to a few key points and let those messages sink in to where they count – into his heart. Where he knows the truth. He knows who I am. He knows he can trust me.

    And I don’t need to talk too much. Because in the end, the only message he needs to hear is from himself.

    Have a good day, Ladies!



  72.  #72Tereana on October 24, 2013 at 11:54 am

    LL – that is so cool that you got into an art show!! Will you post the link here when it’s up so we can all see your art? I’ll promise not to say anything snarky about it ; )

    I love this quote from Dominique’s latest article (paraphrased slightly): “Love brings up anything that is not love in order to be healed.”

    That’s been getting me through a lot these last couple of days!

    That, and the thought that, just because you are in a relationship does not mean that that person will not break your heart. In fact, if you truly do love that person, they will probably break your heart on a regular basis. But learning to grow and adjust through the heartbreak is part of being in that relationship, including our relationship with life. Love might “conquer all,” but it doesn’t come with a guarantee that everything will be “perfect.” I’ve never been married, or deeply in love, but maybe someone who has can say more about it. I’m just going on what I’ve heard… and trying to manage my expectations so that I don’t go in actually believing that everything will be perfect and all my problems solved. I know that won’t be the case. But I won’t lie that part of me kind of really hopes that it WILL solve some of my problems. At least, the problem where I don’t have a life partner anyway. I’ll settle for that. And love. A deep loving connection that is never in question

    That’s it. That’s all I want. Then I can go and solve all my other problems…if they are problems at all….



  73.  #73Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Thanks Tereana!!! I don’t feel comfortable posting the link here but I do really appreciate the thought! 🙂



  74.  #74Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    I feel silly complaining in my above posts. I feel really, really silly. Making a big deal about nothing.



  75.  #75Linda on October 24, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Ladies… thank you for your hugs… I truly feel heard and supported. This is such a hard day for me and it helps to talk to you.

    I just checked my email and found one from him. It said we are all given gifts from God and that because of fear or circumstances and not being able to see beyond the thing we see now that we throw them away…and I would see that this is what I have done with our relationship and will regret it someday.

    tears are welled in my eyes….

    Perhaps he has no idea how hard and painful this is for me. I do feel great loss. I just could not live with disfunction anymore.

    I feel like I have been sitting by the bedside of a loved one that has been in ICU and on a ventilator and feeding tube. I had to make the decision to pull the plug and let it go. There were so many reasons it needed to be done, yet I still did wished it was not what I had to do.

    His email discredits my lamenting over this, assumes that I did not value the relationship and insults my wisdom and maturity of faith.

    The cycle between us sounded like I was living a repeat of his past relationships… him saying he tried and tried but “they” (the ex wives or girlfriends) did not take any ownership for their diffculties which justified his “just cant do this anymore” exits.

    I need to sleep I am so tired.



  76.  #76Lemonbutter on October 24, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    Linda, he almost sounds like a narcissist.

    I feel such an aversion to some of the things he’s said to you, especially that email. It feels emotionally abusive, as if he’s attempting to wear you down. I could be wrong, but that’s how it comes across to me.

    I think you’ve done a wonderful thing Linda…..he’s obviously hurt, and he’s right to be hurt, it’s a natural human response to someone walking away from them, however I feel like you deserve a big blanket of love and hugs and encouragement from everyone who loves you, to support you as you move completely away from him.



  77.  #77Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Yes, Linda, please don’t get sucked back in with this man. He is not healthy and he is taking his problems out on you in an abusive way. Go heal yourself and when you are ready, find someone who is healthy and who can be a positive influence in your life. That’s my plan anyway. Good luck and above all, please take care of yourself and give yourself time to heal.

    (((((((Linda))))))))



  78.  #78Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 2:46 pm

    Hmmm, I think everything DOES happen for a reason.

    This engineer I mentioned is difficult to work with, this is what was making me feel uncomfortable before the whole thing went down and we discovered we know someone in common. He’s the type that has to question everything, you have to prove yourself to, and makes stuff way more complicated than it needs to be. I’ve worked with engineers like this before and they are no fun to work with. The cool thing is that now I have an excuse to not have to deal with him anymore. So I guess everything does happen for a reason, you just have to figure it out! 🙂



  79.  #79Rori Raye on October 24, 2013 at 3:51 pm

    Magnolia, Welcome, you sound wonderful, and let me invite you to take advantage of my Coach Trainees with free and then very low cost coaching…I can think of two – Diane Povey and Sukalina Das who have experience with “difficult” men, and everyone is beautifully qualified to help you become happier….here’s the list–>>



  80.  #80Elsie on October 24, 2013 at 5:52 pm

    Linda,

    I have been catching up and want to say how amazingly proud I am of you. I loved your analogy of the ICU and ventilator – Perfect analogy. I love it. And I love how you handled it all. Its not a game or manipulation its just purely being 100% healthy and doing what is right for you – I’m seriously SO PROUD of you!!!



  81.  #81LM on October 24, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Linda,

    I posted on the blog a few weeks ago, and alluded to my relationship issues. And now, I am in a similar situation to yours. Friday night, I FINALLY ended it PERMANENTLY with my Toxic guy. Initially, I had taken a break from him from mid-August until mid-September when he started wooing me again. So, I tried to use “the tools” and dated him for 5 more weeks, to see if I could move away from the Toxic stuff and let him be masculine. I put down the oars and he didn’t pick them up, just complained about my “vibe” changing and didn’t seem to want to kiss me or hug me unless we were in public, in front of other men – weird. I’m going through a terrible depression right now and my counselor said this relationship was a cork in the bottle, and preventing me from doing REAL work on my past hurts. That visual helped me to finally choose to end the relationship, since my gut (and my God) has been telling me to end it for almost a year. I told my EX Toxic Man that I need to work on myself and concentrate on getting better, and heal my depression, and his response was, “Is it ME?” He’s so self-centered, and I’m finally seeing that. My heart is shattered, and I am so disappointed. But I, too, have learned so much. It was Rori’s “Toxic Men” program that gave me the insight and the nerve to stop the dysfunction. He sent me a very chilly, business-like email on Monday about exchanging our “property.” I can’t bring myself to respond because that means it’s FINAL. I don’t know why I’m hanging on to hope. Like I have in past relationships. Honestly, I don’t think I’m healthy enough for a relationship and I have no desire to circular date or even smile at a man. I’m just licking my wounds and letting myself heal. But I wanted you to know how similar our stories are. . . My EX Toxic Man can’t pay his bills, either. I can’t be responsible for his feelings and well-being. I need to take care of me (and I have a beautiful young daughter I am raising – she needs a happy, healthy mom!!!)

    Hugs to you,

    LM



  82.  #82Linda on October 24, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Thank you ELise.. soooo much. The ICU analogy came to me when I was driving home from work today with tears running down my face. It is the only word picture that I could come up with to describe the feelings I have today.



  83.  #83Linda on October 24, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    Lemonbutter,& LL… ladies you are tuned in. Yes I will heal and not get sucked back in. His last words to me will not be forgotten and honored.

    I came to the realization long ago that people “will treat you the way that you let them”… they will do what they will but you do not have to hang around.

    My co-worker said to me today. Emotional abuse leaves marks that last longer than the ones that physical abuse do. At least that was her take away from her experience when she was married.

    I can say without doubt that the emotional upheaval in this last relationship is the thing that kept me from falling in love with him. Yes I cared and loved many many things about him and us. Yet honestly he was like a “bull in my china shop” and it did not get to that level.. even though I tried and wanted it so.

    I want nothing more than to shake the dust of this off and move on. Enough is enough.



  84.  #84Lisa on October 24, 2013 at 7:22 pm

    @ Liquid Light Yes, listen to you intuition!!! When I first started doing Rori’s work, I stopped listening to my intuition – funny how it went.. I started saying assume trust.. and I totally didn’t listen to my intuition and it wasn’t working for me..I was getting into some weird situations…. so I feel I need to listen to my intuition first and then assume trust… and to not throw my intuition on the door… just to trust someone…

    @ Indigo I know right! I’m working on it…<3 I read Rori's newsletter and I get all worked up emotionally and then totally forget … what I know to be true… if he was suppose to be in my life he would be and I can't fix it… I realized that after I posted… hummm I said, I can carry this on to my next relationship.. doesn't mean I need to go backwards to him…

    @ Linda…. I've had similar situations.. and what my experience was… the toxic ones like that had the hardest pull on me emotionally ( b/c of conditioning) and those are the ones, I need to run like hell away from… just my experience… {{{hugs}}}

    @Elsie You've been on my mind the past few days… I've been wondering how you are… <3

    update:

    "C" called tonight to talk… I'm impressed, said he would e-mail me but he called… and ask me about meeting in person and said how do you feel about me coming to see you or would you consider coming up here… I said " I would love for you to come to …… ( my town). So, I didn't have to worry about saying "OH now I would never do that, for the first meeting" He picked up on my messages… I'm excited about that…

    He has asked me a few times "how do you feel" about this.. I love it…

    So far he is a great listener… and asks me how my day went.. I'm feeling great that they are getting better and better…

    "G" e-mailed me to confirm our date on Sat… and I feel ok with that… I prefer they call to confirm, but he called to ask me out, and that felt good- he felt masculine and confident – I'm good with that…

    "T" has not responded at all, we had plans to hike but since I used my feeling messages and said It feels so much better to make plans by phone" he has not responded at all…

    So, I guess feeling messages are good for weeded out eh?

    XOXOX



  85.  #85Joy on October 24, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    I feel icky, insecure, unsure
    I feel naked wide open vulnerable
    I feel not good enough looks-wise
    I feel worried he will second-guess himself now
    I feel silly for feeling this way
    I feel like I know deep down somewhere that I am SO friggin gorgeous
    But my gorgeous is partially due to my inner siren glow
    And I feel afraid it won’t come across in my pics
    And my goodness he is beautiful
    He could be my King Masculine Giver
    He speaks of marriage and babies and moving me into his home
    And he’s writing me a song
    And we only met last Friday!!!
    And he’s the guy every girl wants to be with, an absolute magnet with the killer career to go with it
    And he wants me???
    Yes, he wants me!!!
    I am amazinggggggg
    I am a Godess!
    I am a Siren!
    I am feminine wisdom and softness and mystery
    I am secure
    I am squishy soft juicy hard steel inside
    I am intelligent
    I have a wonderful career
    I am beautiful
    Why is it so hard for me to believe I am beautiful??

    I feel beautiful. I’m so cute and funny and adorable and silly and soft and sexy. He’s so fortunate he found me and knows how to claim me like a MAN. He is falling in love with me because I am a wonderful, wonderful woman.



  86.  #86Linda on October 24, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    LM

    THank you for sharing. I can fully empathize with you. The feelings of loss feel like waves that will swallow us up at times.

    You are on the right track to healing. Mine all started with a Rori tool of “painting myself with love”. I have never been the same since. My next biggest step was to stay aware and in touch with what I was feeling because I was a stuffer and often could not put into words or identify what it was I was feeling. Good, bad, ugly…it did not matter just to be aware.. then putting feet on that. They are all baby steps…and each one a step closer to healing and wholeness.

    Actually your level of health shines a light on his level and because they do not match, incompatibility is. Toxic behavior/men have taught me a lot. THere was a time in my last relationship that he stormed out of the bedroom in the middle of the night. Being clueless I got up and found him. He had gone to the other bedroom, got in bed there. He refused to talk to me and curtly told me to leave the room, go to bed and take the dog with me and close the door! That was my opportunity… to grow and keep my promise to ME!… I got dressed, packed up my things and dog and went home at 1:30 AM!

    My promise required action, my action brought more healing…baby step baby step.

    Anyway LM…you have much more on the ball than you are giving yourself credit for. You already are aware and clued in. See yourself as the PRIZE… and your man will show up and qualify to claim and treasure you.

    Hugs!



  87.  #87Linda on October 24, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    I love what you wrote Joy.

    The man in my last relationship fell for me… he just did not get to keep me is all.

    En”joy” JOY!



  88.  #88Linda on October 24, 2013 at 8:17 pm

    LM…Oh I forgot to mention

    FINAL sounds ominous and like failing, but it really is a beginning. It closes a door to what does not work to possibility!

    THis man you were involved with is occupying the space right now that is not his to occupy. Closing this chapter and door to him creates the space for “your man to show up”.

    I believe it… This last relationship was 100 times closer to what I am want forever than I have ever experienced before… so… when I feel ready, whenever that is..I will open the door to possibility



  89.  #89Liquid Light on October 24, 2013 at 8:44 pm

    Love that, Joy, sounds absolutely amazing! You go, girl! Big smiles!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂



  90.  #90Joy on October 24, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    Oh, thank you so much ladies for your positive support! I just jumped on here and slammed that out because I was feeling so low and worried that my pics would not impress a man (who has already seen me twice!!) and that he would go, “Wait a minute, she is not as gorgeous as I thought she was.” Dang those nasty voices …

    Now, after going back and reading through this whole thread, I am reminded that I get to choose whether I want to have thoughts that make me feel BAD or thoughts that make me feel GOOD. Well, duh, I choose the latter.

    I choose to believe that if he is as crazy about me as he keeps telling me and showing me he is then it does not matter what a couple silly pics look like. So all will be as it is meant to be in the end … wonderful.

    Oh yeah, and I’m PMSing.

    Plus, as Rori says, it is not our looks and our sexiness that make a man fall in love with us. It’s our ability to connect with him on a heart level. And while I have not yet mastered this ability, I feel as if I’m getting better and better at it every day.



  91.  #91Joy on October 24, 2013 at 10:43 pm

    I just wanted to add a WOW to you Linda for making such a HEALTHY choice in breaking up with the guy who fell for you and then showed his verbally abusive side.

    I feel like the healthier we get the easier it is to recognize unhealthy behavior and the more we want to keep that toxicity out of our lives.

    So good for you! Now you can find a man who has all those good qualities you loved about him (and quite a few more, most likely) without the mean streak.



  92.  #92Millie on October 24, 2013 at 11:06 pm

    I’m on board the Delight train…..it’s wonderful. Life is wonderful. Flirting is wonderful..ahhh



  93.  #93Cris on October 25, 2013 at 12:12 am

    @Joy
    wow

    King Masculine Giver

    I like that expression!!!

    and

    I feel free today

    xoxox



  94.  #94Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 12:58 am

    Hahahahahaha. Hahahaha. Joke’s on me. Mercury Retrograde, you are hilarious. (not so much). :p



  95.  #95Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 1:09 am

    I am…I’ve been getting into a lot of “Masculine Mode” with this man. Even with my best intentions of being all feeling-based and sensitive and listening…

    We had a difficult discussion this evening. Like Big Issue difficult. It got kind of messy. I was going in, thinking that I was going to be all open and listeny, and whatnot. And then it just ended up that I felt like I was being poked with a hot stick of blame the entire time. I tried to soften it by saying that I had no intention of blaming anyone for anything, because I believe that gets us nowhere. I happen to think that he and I have a lot in common. But from him, all I was hearing was a focus on the negative, complaints complaints, and most of it was stuff that no one could do anything about. I tried to ask him a meaningful question that would help give me information about him that would lead me to know him better, and to understand what the relationship could be like, and he simply dodged the question.

    It’s weird. On the one hand, I feel like protecting myself. When he got all “blamey,” my “boy” got active and started putting up the walls. Pushing him away. Saying that I didn’t need him or want him, etc. My Boy was protecting me. And my future. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel quite right. It doesn’t feel totally “at ease.” It doesn’t feel satisfying.

    I don’t know how to fix this. Except that I don’t need to be “right.” Because, I suppose, the options are “be right” or “be loved.” I would rather be loved. But I don’t trust. As much as I want to, I don’t trust that he would love me. If I were to open up and be vulnerable (again), it doesn’t mean that he won’t simply take what he wants and leave me (again). I did trust him, greatly, and then he hurt my heart. Three times, in less than two weeks. I swear that must be a huge record or something.

    So my boy is getting defensive. My Boy is saying he doesn’t want this little heart to get hurt again. And the heart is like, “yeah, but I want to be all open and stuff.” And sometimes the man does say things that make sense to me that make me feel better. But I don’t know how to fully trust him. I did once. But now I don’t quite know how to get it back.

    And the whole conversation was just a disaster. I know that in “masculine mode” and “protective stance” he can’t love me. He can’t get in there to love me.

    I need a few days to relax. I need a few days to chill and be by myself.

    But I did, at least, get really clear on what I wanted. And I told him what I needed. And if that’s too much for him, too bad. I’m loving myself. After I said what I needed, I felt more clear. I don’t feel perfectly happy. But I was doing a little spontaneous dance in the kitchen. I said what I needed and I let it go. There is no manipulation here. There is nothing to make him do. I’m simply stating my position. And I have the power here. He doesn’t have to like it. I am just not going to give away my power just because he complains that it’s not right and that I have a “moral obligation.” I have no such thing. Just because you think something is “right” doesn’t mean the other person has to do things your way.

    I am an adult person. I have my own beliefs. I get to make my own decisions.



  96.  #96Linda on October 25, 2013 at 4:32 am

    I was awaken this morning at 2:45 with my phone ringing. It was a call from him. I did not answer. After a tug of war inside me..I did listen to the voicemail. He was on his way to the hospital. His mother (nice nice lady) suddenly has become ill is in ICU and on a vent.

    Why did he call me? The person he told he never wanted to see or speak to again and hoped if fell off the planet? I know he said that in anger and heat of the moment but that is precisely why I dont want to be with him. I suppose I represent some sort of comfort for him. I work in a hospital in an administrative capacity. My dad passed away similarly. I did text that I would pray for the situation.

    Now he is texting me….that he will do anything, anger management, counseling, anything ! because he loves me and does not want to loose me. He does not want an answer now…. sigh

    I feel charitable toward him



  97.  #97Linda on October 25, 2013 at 4:45 am

    I feel charitable only is that bad??… can empathize with the situation, I have been thru it.



  98.  #98Cris on October 25, 2013 at 4:53 am

    @Linda, I feel a lot of compassion about that man also and I am sad when I see how he is suffering. I am not saying you have to change your mind ..

    but now you have mentioned that feeling I needed to express it too. If I am a sinner for feeling that, I don’t mind…

    Hope he’ll find a way to healing some day

    all my best wishes, dear



  99.  #99Femininewoman on October 25, 2013 at 5:19 am

    Linda if truth be told some men need some type of crisis to truly appreciate and value the women in their lives. Some are desperatey afraid of death. That though doesn’t mean that you should drop your life and your dreams. Regardless of what he is saying now he can only truly value you if he ends up having to work hard to get you back. If you change your mind now, ignoring his last words to you, what you would be doing is reinforcing his bad behavior. Telling him he can always treat you that way. I would vote for myself if I were you. Just because you made your choice to move on does not mean that you don’t love him. He knows you love him. He knows this type of situation will jerk on your heart strings. He knows you. The question is are you going to sacrifice yourself and your life for this man and his anger? Do you know your buttons that he can press as well as he does?



  100.  #100Linda on October 25, 2013 at 6:06 am

    FW. Cris.

    Yes it is compassion.

    Yes.. he knows me and knows my buttons. Yes this is a button of mine. Yes my heart strings are jerked.

    NO I am not changing my mind about him and I. NO I will not invite disfunction in to my life anymore. NO I will not sacrifice myself. I seek health and wholeness in my future relationship.

    Thank you FW… My level of difficulty just got a boost. He has lots of work to do. I have my own as well. I have set myself on a course to continue on my path.

    THank you !!! (again FW your words speak to my heart so well).



  101.  #101Linda on October 25, 2013 at 7:12 am

    More clarity for me… I love love love it!

    Someone posted about something Dominique said about. “Love brings up things that need to be healed or something like that. Where is that posted?

    I got a bee in my bonnet to understand that.



  102.  #102Emerson on October 25, 2013 at 7:14 am

    I was communicating with cutecityCD and realized maybe I was sounding like I was lecturing him on what I want ….
    Oh well…I am learning.
    Also I am happy because I spent some time with and old cd last night and got some cuddly attention…kisses and very sweet…wow I needed that. I will call him preppyCD…
    He’s really sweet…not sure what will happen.
    ExoticCD is now a friend and not any tension which I’m thankful for.
    RecycledCD is supposed to meet me for coffee this weekend but I’m not sure…



  103.  #103Indigo on October 25, 2013 at 8:05 am

    Linda,

    Your situation brought up so many things for me of my situation with D. And I just want to encourage you, above all else, do not lose yourself! Don’t go back to him any time soon, though he tugs on every string in your heart.

    What FW says is absolutely correct. Going towards him in any way when he spoke to you that way just reinforces the behavior. I speak from painful experience. Even though they are apologetic and loving in the moment, the next time his anger rears its ugly head , he will go right back to that behavior. And you two will keep dancing that ugly dance. As I say, your situation triggered memories of D’s angry outbursts, and I have now decided to vote for me, whatever the cost.



  104.  #104Indigo on October 25, 2013 at 8:08 am

    D contacted me twice yesterday, and commented on one of my photos on Facebook. And I want to get to the point where I am like “that’s nice, but whatever.” And I pretty much was at that point.

    I have parties coming up, which fills me with excitement. Including plans for my own birthday party – I have not had a birthday party in years. Yay!!!



  105.  #105Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 8:24 am

    I feel more powerful, now that I have stated what I need. And it’s not a manipulation. It’s not that I need it *from him.* In fact, maybe I don’t even want it from him…

    He has, throughout this process (Kind of like Linda’s man) shown a suddenly verbal abusive side. Plus the coming and the going. Plus the fact that when I say something about how something makes me feels, it’s ignored. Plus the fact that he will only talk about himself, what he feels, what he thinks is right.

    At first, I thought that I had found a mature, sensitive man, who could articulate his feelings, and who’s goal was to please me. (This was the guy I said was “so wonderful.”) And now…we are just taking mean stabs at each other. It feels *awful.*

    I realize it may be Mercury retrograde. In fact, it almost definitely is. It all started on Monday, the day Mercury went into rx. Or I could be PMS-ing. Or I could be pregnant.

    Isn’t it awful how, if you think there is a chance you could be pregnant, and you are so good as to actually tell the guy, then there is also a good chance that he will turn around and start abusing you for it since, well, you “made him do it,” right? Just by being a girl? And he does this simply because he’s scared, and you didn’t even want to tell him, really, but you did, only because he indicated that he didn’t want to see you. I still could have waited until I took the test. I was just so stressed by keeping the information to myself. Now I kind of wish that I had.

    But at least…this is kind of smoking out the bad ones. The jokers. The ones who are not as they appear. The Poseurs.

    He said it himself. He can change. And perhaps I have some growing to do, but I have now seen his immature side, and it is not pretty. Nobody’s perfect.

    All of this just made me get REALLY clear on what I want and need in my life. I don’t just casually want “some commitment.” I want all commitment, all the way 100%. I want his heart to be invested, if he wants anything at all. And I didn’t say I need it *from him.* But I need it from someone.

    If he thinks he has “a right” to be a father, then he has to step up and do that, and stop badgering me, and making this my fault. I do not have a “moral obligation” to let him do anything. If I am, in fact, pregnant, then my primary concern is taking care of myself and my baby, and that includes not letting negative people be an influence in our lives. I can raise the baby myself. Or meet someone who wants to be a father.

    Of course, there is no substitute for a man seeing his own child. But to me, that’s not very exciting if he doesn’t care about me also.

    And anyway, I might not be pregnant at all. This may be nothing. According to my fertility chart, there is a chance. And it was an accident (such as these things can be). But that doesn’t mean that I *am* pregnant.

    Still, whether I am or not, it doesn’t change what I need. I need courage, commitment, I need his heart. It is kind of “all or nothing” for me. Because I’ve tried “in between” and it doesn’t work. It just makes me anxious and irritable and feeling unsteady.

    When I’m ready, it will come. Like he said himself, he can change. And there are many men out there.

    I will leave it alone…and take another pregnancy test in a few days



  106.  #106Emerson on October 25, 2013 at 8:42 am

    How can I feel more secure in my day to day life? I feel tossed around like I’m in a washing machine sometimes….



  107.  #107Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Linda – That is pretty distressing about his mom. And I had a relationship similar to yours once, at least in one way, that it was what I called a “zombie relationship.” In that, I would break it off, and then, somehow, often without me really noticing, we would come back together. And the cycle started again. I still feel “unfinished” about it. But in the end, I know that truly breaking it off and no-contact was the best thing for me to do.

    And as far as this man and his mother is concerned, a sudden tragedy or death (or near death) of a family member can often cause people to suddenly want to “turn their lives around” and want to make things right. Well, this is all fine and good. The situation with his mother may have made him realize, like he said, that he has issues he needs to deal with and that you are more important than the nasty words he said. But it doesn’t change how he’s treated you in the past, and his intention does not give him an absolute right to be with you. He can always change in order to be the best possible man for the next woman. But he probably won’t do that unless he truly loses you. It is over for you. You already know you don’t need to go back.

    And I think your response is perfect. You can feel compassion for him, as a human being. But he called you pretty soon after she went into the hospital. It is not like you are a family member. He didn’t even give himself time to think. He is either grasping at straws, or he is (G-d forbid) using this event as a way to manipulate you into getting back together with him, and he will perform all the same maneuvers as before. He may very well be a narcissist. He may even be a slight bit of a sociopath. He may not really understand how other people feel and never can. So no, you do not need to feel guilty.

    You have our support : )



  108.  #108magic seahorse on October 25, 2013 at 8:44 am

    Indigo, Linda

    That feeling of ….whatever…..that feeling of…………. distance……. of that feeling of being ………bored almost with the situation. I remember feeling that too. I felt compassion and sadness for their plight. I have thought this morning and past days on this and I believe it is our boundaries taking hold in new positions. A very healthy place to be. A safe place to be. What do you think?



  109.  #109Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 8:45 am

    All of this is making me realize that the man I’ve been writing about may be a narcissist too : ( That would make sense. Now that I know him a little better, I can see it. Why are these people so charming and good to you at first??? and then, later on, you realize it was all about them, all along. I feel kind of sick to my stomach….



  110.  #110magic seahorse on October 25, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I remember Rori’s post about what it looks like. Our boundaries…….. what they look like. I feel lightness in my whole body right now………..



  111.  #111Dominique on October 25, 2013 at 8:47 am

    Linda – 101 – Love brings up anything unlike itself to be healed.

    Love can trigger your deepest fears and insecurities because you have so much more invested in a love relationship than most any other.

    Which gives you the opportunity to heal some really deep, painful stuff.

    This can feel amazing albeit it challenging, yet the rewards can be tremendous, wonderful if you choose this path.

    xxoo



  112.  #112Emerson on October 25, 2013 at 8:47 am

    (((Tereana)))



  113.  #113Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 8:49 am

    Linda – About the Dominique quote, I think that was me. It was at the very end of this article:

    http://sexandheart.com/masculinefeminine-attraction-dynamics



  114.  #114Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Thanks, Emerson!

    Hugs to you, too…. (((Emerson)))

    Maybe the washing machine could be a thrill ride? ; )



  115.  #115Dominique on October 25, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Lisa and Tereana –

    http://sexandheart.com/learning-to-trust

    xxoo



  116.  #116Emerson on October 25, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Tereana you made me thing of something when reading your posts…I’m ok with how I expressed myself so cutecityCD last night ….it was late and we were tired…I am not going to read into it. If he doesn’t want to hear it it’s ok. I was expressing how I feel and my boundaries …..
    It felt good to have some male attention from preppyCD and took my mind off cutecityCD …



  117.  #117Indigo on October 25, 2013 at 9:00 am

    magic seahorse,

    Yes, that’s exactly it. With a bit of distance, comes perspective, and with perspective, proper boundaries. And yes, I feel compassion for D. Concern, as he’s someone I deeply care for. Yet I don’t want to dwell there. I need my energy for me, and to look after my life.

    xx



  118.  #118Dominique on October 25, 2013 at 9:10 am

    Linda – I was looking for another article which I cannot find. It may not even exist, what I’m thinking of being in my book. This article though may also speak to you.

    http://sexandheart.com/are-you-with-a-toxic-or-commitment-phobic-man

    xxoo



  119.  #119Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 9:43 am

    Negotiator called again last night as he said he would. It feels weird to have a guy calling so much. I’m NOT a big phone person at all so its definitely different. I’m trying to appreciate it but when he called last night I was about to eat dinner so didn’t really want to take the call. But I did and we had a nice short conversation. He’s coming back from his business trip today, and we’re getting together on Sunday evening. He sounds really excited about seeing me. It’s very sweet. I’m excited too but not as much. Sometimes if someone seems really interested, I get a bit bored! It’s like there’s no challenge…OMG I sound like a guy!!! I really want to be open to Negotiator though since he really seems like a sweetheart and is interesting.

    I’m vegan (100% at home) and this can be a challenge when dating. It was an issue in my last relationship (he didn’t eat any red meat though which helped) a bit but we worked through it. It definitely doesn’t make things easier though. And Negotiator saw that I was vegan in my profile and then told me he’s been reading about nutrition and health and has been trying a 6 week vegan diet! I was blown away!



  120.  #120Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 9:50 am

    And I’ve encountered more than once men that kinda make fun of the way I eat. I can take it and roll with it up to a point but its annoying. Hometown was laughing at me when I was eating spinach. And the guy at the event the other night made a point of telling me he ordered a lamb dish like he thought that was funny or something. Hahahaha!! Hilarious!!!

    So its definitely an issue that comes up pretty early on when dating since eating is usually a pretty major activity when dating someone! Does anyone else have experience with different eating habits and how to navigate that?



  121.  #121Femininewoman on October 25, 2013 at 10:17 am

    I believe I have heard Rori say something to the effect that she does not believe men should be vegan. It takes away from or goes against the masculine vibe. Can’t remember the exact words but they were something to that effect.

    LL I guess sharing how you feel in the moment when they the jibes are flying would be the key here. Or something to the effect that in your relationship you see yourself creating a safe space for your partner to be himself and that your eating habits are important to you so you hope would be that your partner offer you the same respect. To be different.



  122.  #122Lemonbutter on October 25, 2013 at 10:29 am

    I feel like a man should be whatever he wants, as long as he’s confident doing it and has an inner-strength. Much like we women and our inner-light.



  123.  #123Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 10:30 am

    “I believe I have heard Rori say something to the effect that she does not believe men should be vegan. It takes away from or goes against the masculine vibe.”

    Quite frankly, I think this is ridiculous for a variety of reasons. Why would someone who is offering advice about dating and relationships be telling us how we should and shouldn’t eat? And why would we listen to that? Also, having an open mind is a very attractive quality and also masculine… being open to new ideas and completely new ways of looking at the world and how we live, including what we consume, is very attractive. Heart disease, the nation’s #1 killer, is not very attractive and our meat based diets are largely contributing to that.

    OK, stepping off of soap box now 🙂

    Thanks for the reminder about sharing how I’m feeling when the jibes are flying . I appreciate that as I tend to kind of laugh things off.



  124.  #124Femininewoman on October 25, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Liquid Light – I am not 100% sure, as I said.



  125.  #125Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 10:42 am

    I’ve got a date tonight with someone who sounds pretty interesting. Smart and fit and works in a similar field. We haven’t met yet (he’s from online) so we’ll see. Oh yeah, we are meeting at a restaurant which turns out to be a favorite spot for both of us.



  126.  #126Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 11:05 am

    I don’t think making fun of someone else is very attractive or masculine. I feel like if someone has a need to do this, they are probably insecure and therefore not masculine. Here’s what I think is masculine. Feel free to disagree but this what I’m realizing that I find attractive in a man:

    * Has a career and is successful at it and yes that includes making good money
    * Pays for things on dates and takes me out
    * Is respectful and positive, doesn’t complain
    * Has the desire and ability to take care of me (I don’t mean financially but has a care taking attitude towards the people in his life that are important to him)

    I think if we are being feminine women then we should want a masculine man so I thought it might be useful to define that for myself.



  127.  #127Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 11:18 am

    I just wanted to clarify one thing. I don’t think insecurity is not attractive or masculine, It’s really the way that it comes out. I actually find insecurity in a man to be v attractive but not when it comes out as making fun of others esp me. My ex used to do this to me a lot so I’m very sensitive to it right now.



  128.  #128Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 11:23 am

    Thanks, Dominique! I think I needed that other article, too…

    xoxo



  129.  #129Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 11:35 am

    This man seems so sure of himself. He declares that he is 100% sure that I am not pregnant. He may be right. But last night, he was 100% unsure about what I was telling him, which was that, event though we had sex multiple times, unprotected, it was only possible for me to have become pregnant the first time, since it was right before my ovulation. He didn’t believe me, even after I showed him my chart, with a handy little intense green, indicating fertility, and no green at all after that – meaning no fertility. Not to mention that I’ve been tracking my cycles for over four years, and when I go to the doctor and they ask for “the first day of my last period,” I not only tell them that, I tell them when I typically ovulate that I have a 14-day luteal phase. It’s my vehicle, my body. I know what’s what. If I am certain, then I am certain. There is no way that he can be certain.

    But perhaps I am not. In which case, I can move on from all of these easily and not have to engage him at all.

    At least what I have gained from this is a very deep clarity. I may be afraid of commitment and tell myself that I’m “not ready.” But every time I get involved with someone, and it’s *not* committed, and there is no chance of commitment, and if I say that I am okay with that, then it’s a lie. I’m really not okay with that.

    And my body is too precious and too sensitive to simply share with just anyone. Plus, a non-committed, sexual relationship is a tease to me. I can’t just “have sex.” It is powerful, no matter what.

    I had thought that this man and I were on the same page with that. I thought that he wanted what I wanted, at least in the short term. But perhaps it was all just elaborate posing (maybe not even intentional) with the purpose of getting into my pants.

    Well, mission accomplished, and he did it well.

    I wish that he would lose some of his arrogance and ego and submit to the reality that sometimes committing to someone is better than just leading a simple life by yourself. He said it to me himself that being with a woman “adds something” to his life. Something he obviously can’t get by being alone. But if he never commits to anyone, then he will always be alone, and he will always risk losing that element in his life. I guess that’s what he chooses, in order to make things “easier.” And if that’s what he wants, I can’t change his mind.

    I just can’t believe…maybe he was negative, narcissistic and self-centered all along. Maybe I was attracted to him, not in spite of these things, but because of them. Maybe THAT is why I felt so comfortable around him. All that familiarity. But still not what I want. Like my father, he is very charming and a good conversationalist. Most people don’t realize how negative he is, until they get to know him. I didn’t for most of my life. Now I have to make sure I am very careful about what kind of conversations I get into with him.

    Well, we will see. This is the part where I grow and heal and nurse my little wounds, and pick myself up and keep moving….toward what is really meant for me.

    xo



  130.  #130Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 11:39 am

    Emerson – It’s good to have other men to take our minds off the ones that get us all…excited.

    I want some time alone, not getting involved with anyone. But that doesn’t mean that men don’t continue to be out there, and noticing me. Some other man is simply waiting for me to be ready, and available, and he’s looking for me 🙂



  131.  #131Daria on October 25, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    ugh im feeling upset guilty, mad, disapoointed, worried

    i love my feelings

    and that feels like

    sad

    amnd i love my sad

    and that feels like…

    blank

    and i love my blank…

    and that feels like

    mad

    and i lvoe my mad

    and that feels like…

    sad

    and i love my sad

    and that feels like

    sigh

    sad\

    and i love my sigh sad and tat feels like…

    droopy mouth sides sad

    and i love my droopy mouth sides sad

    and that feels like

    sigh

    and i lvoe my sigh

    and taht feels lik

    rush

    and i love my rush



  132.  #132Daria on October 25, 2013 at 12:24 pm

    I thought about that vegan thing, i can see how with some men yes it does take away from their masculine energy

    not with all though

    its in the differences in energy and intention

    same for ‘spiritual’ men



  133.  #133Daria on October 25, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    i love my fear



  134.  #134Lemonbutter on October 25, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Tereana, when I read your posts lately, I feel confused.

    Doesn’t Rori Raye say that a man’s job is to be who he is, and our job is to decide if what he’s offering is what we want?

    Much love to you.



  135.  #135Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Daria 133: yes!!!



  136.  #136Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    oops I meant Daria 132 YES!!!



  137.  #137Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    “droopy mouth sides sad”

    hahahaha!! this made me laugh, Daria

    I hate that but it captures sad so well. I had 6 months of that after the breakup and never want to feel that again!

    it did make me laugh, though, so thanks!



  138.  #138Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    I feel like I’m being a blog hog today.



  139.  #139Lemonbutter on October 25, 2013 at 2:37 pm

    Liquid Light, your laugh made me laugh, so thank you too 😀



  140.  #140Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    LL – hog the blog! Do it! ; )



  141.  #141Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Lemonbutter – yes, I believe that’s one thing she says. What is confusing to you? When I realized that what he was offering me was less than what I wanted, I became really clear on that. First with myself. And then I stated it, very simply, to him. No excuses, justifications, or “maneuverings” to “get” what I want. I happen to believe he has a capacity to offer more, he simply chooses not to. But I can’t change his mind. That doesn’t mean I have to accept less than is truly delightful to me : )

    Xo



  142.  #142Liquid Light on October 25, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Lemonbutter and Tereana: 🙂



  143.  #143Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    My b00bs feel super big. I’m looking down at them, pushing the boundaries of my D-cups. Lately I’ve been very sleepy. Feeling like I could take a nap nearly any time, even when I get plenty of sleep. I’ll get very hungry, but then when I eat, I get a kind of queasy-nauseous feeling. Not pukey, just kind of ick. And I’m not sure, but my joints might feel a little unsteady. All of these could be potential early pregnancy changes. Or nothing at all. I have to pee a lot, but that’s not unusual.

    What’s funny is, when I told him I noticed myself feeling nauseous, he insisted that “women don’t” feel morning sickness until after four weeks. Um, okay, excuse me, have you been pregnant? Do you know that for sure? Do you also have specialized training that includes a lot of knowledge about the stages or pregnancy, and have you spoken to and worked with literally hundreds of pregnant women? I am pretty sure the answer to all of those questions is a big, fat, No.

    The thing is, I can see now how much he needs control over the elements of his life. The fact that he can’t literally know everything about this is unsettling. He can’t control it.

    And it still might not be true at all. So I will let him keep his sure feeling that I am “definitely not” pregnant. I guess I will wait and suspend my own decisions until I know for sure.

    The fascinating thing is that, in early pregnancy, it is almost nothing. When you see a large pregnant woman, you are seeing the final stages. The early stages are invisible, almost imperceptible from normalcy. It could be nothing at all. And yet, it could be something…



  144.  #144Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    Here’s an observation for the moment – I always think, “when I’m in love, I’ll know it.” But is that true? Is there some way to actually know that you are “in love.”? Because I have felt before what I thought was an “in love” feeling. It turned out to be for a man that did, in fact, feel attracted to me, but never acted on it. So he’s not the right man for me, and can’t really offer me what I need.

    Meanwhile, I seems to me that I fall in love without really realizing it. I’ll only notice after the fact, when the person is gone, or they (or I) end the relationship, and then I feel the pain of the loss and separation, and I go, “oh, I must have fallen in love. I didn’t even notice…”

    How is this possible?



  145.  #145Tereana on October 25, 2013 at 6:19 pm

    Actually, you know what, I asked the question, and now that I think about it, I think I know. It’s probably because my baseline mood level is a little low. I am generally, on any given day, feeling a little but sad, unless something happens to pick my mood up. So I never notice how sad I feel, until I feel really super sad.

    So, my guess is that I actually fall in love pretty easily. Because being with someone, however briefly, picks my mood up from sad to a usual level of “normal” feeling. So I feel happy, and on good days, elated, energized, magnetic. Almost intoxicated. But I don’t really notice. Because the comparatively happy feeling is really just what I *should* feel on a day-to-day basis, but don’t. So the fact that I am in love flies under my radar, until they leave and I go back to feeling really bad for a bit. And then back up to the usual “meh.”

    And if you are wondering, the answer is yes, I am being treated for depression. I have been for some time. I don’t really know what the problem is. I just like people… I like companionship. I feel much better when someone is in my life. I don’t think that has to mean there is something wrong with me….



  146.  #146Linda on October 25, 2013 at 6:22 pm

    Hi… Happy Friday night. I am curled up on my couch with my dog and blanket. It is soothing and just what I wanted to do.

    As an update… unfortunately his mom did pass today. With much thought… I did decide to go to the hospital today. I cried with them at their loss. It is tuff. He wanted me to come to his apartment tonight when he got home from the hospital. I declined. That would just be really wrong…and super weird!! It was easy to say no. I know that some of you would not had made that choice to go to the hospital but it really felt ok with it. So …with that done… my weekend lies before me.

    I have a 60th birthday party I have been hired to organize, decorate and run.. for next week end. My day tomorrow will be dedicated to getting that in order. Sunday.. a pumpkin patch to visit with my grandson!



  147.  #147Linda on October 25, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Dominique thank you for the links. Your the best! I am on my way to read.



  148.  #148Linda on October 25, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    @108… magicseahorse

    Did you read my heart? ha! This puts into words exactly how I feel right now. I think you are right on

    Well said! very well said



  149.  #149Emerson on October 25, 2013 at 11:05 pm

    145 aww tereana…
    Thank you for this post and sharing how you feel. ((Big hugs))
    I can relate to what you’re describing big time ….
    I am sorry you feel sad …



  150.  #150Lemonbutter on October 26, 2013 at 1:03 am

    Tereana 145,

    I’ve felt that way at times, really lifted up by the company/affection of men. There have been times where I have felt very sad, so a man coming along has given me a boost.

    I’ve learnt that that is part of the reason I’ve gone for men that need ‘fixing’ in the past, because women with their own stuff going on (not suggesting this is you at all, just my stuff) normally look for someone outside themselves to fix and love and protect, hence avoiding fixing themselves.

    I’m on the path of self-fixing now. I want a man who is healthy and happy, so I want to be healthy and happy too in order to attract him into my life.

    No more men with issues. I am done playing mother and nurse and therapist. I feel tension in my stomach just thinking about that.

    Tereana the confusion…I’m not great at whittling down the reason for my feelings at times, but I guess some of it might be because it feels like you still have expectations of this guy that you know instinctually he’s not going to reach.

    This paragraph:

    “I wish that he would lose some of his arrogance and ego and submit to the reality that sometimes committing to someone is better than just leading a simple life by yourself.”

    Your reality or his as well? That feels enforcing.

    “He said it to me himself that being with a woman “adds something” to his life. Something he obviously can’t get by being alone. But if he never commits to anyone, then he will always be alone, and he will always risk losing that element in his life. I guess that’s what he chooses, in order to make things “easier.” And if that’s what he wants, I can’t change his mind.”

    You are right, you can’t change his mind, which you know, but it feels like you’d like to try anyway.

    This man feels awkward. Like he’s resisting and kicking his feet a bit.



  151.  #151Lemonbutter on October 26, 2013 at 1:07 am

    Linda,

    I feel glad you didn’t go his apartment, going to the hospital feels compassionate. 🙂

    I feel concern…….I feel concern he’s going to reel you back in. Or he’s going to TRY to.



  152.  #152Femininewoman on October 26, 2013 at 5:10 am

    Linda I definitely would have gone to the hospital. My experience is that as I matured family became more and more important. What is happening between you and him is secondary to the support you showed to the wider family and to what you shared with his mom. I believe this event will have him looking at himself and his behavior.



  153.  #153Linda on October 26, 2013 at 6:51 am

    FW ..It did feel important to be at the hospital. I did feel right and yes what is going on between the two of us is a whole other issue. The ability that I have today to see the separateness of the two issues is a direct testimony to personal growth in me. Not long ago, I would not have been able to or had gone because offendedness, fear and or pride.

    Lemonbutter.. Thank you for expressing concern for my wellness. Yes you are right he is going to TRY. He did. I softly said no. My heart feels unmoved about him and I. I will say that the one thing that really GOT to me yesterday was his precious little daughter. She ran to me ,in front of her mother even…and said LINDA !! I need a big hug…. and wrapped her arms around my waist, buried her head in my chest. That little girl is precious ! and I do love her so. I feel loss there.

    I do believe that if things were different between he and I … we could have a harmonious, happy little family unit. Even though I will never be her mother or would have ever tried to be … our special little relationship would be very viable important.



  154.  #154Lemonbutter on October 26, 2013 at 10:21 am

    Linda, I felt touched reading your post (153) *hugs*

    You sound like a compassionate, kind-hearted and amazing woman.



  155.  #155Dominique on October 26, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Linda – Much love and hugs to you. <3

    xxoo



  156.  #156Emerson on October 26, 2013 at 7:35 pm

    I just realized there is a new article



  157.  #157Beth on October 27, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    Rori,
    I need help and i by that I mean very very soon. Long story short I met a guy when I was 14 of course I fell hard. 20 yrs. later I fell hard again. He’s always been my dream guy. 6 months ago he Facebook me. We have ran into each other over the yrs and I always knew I would see him again but life went on he has 3 children an a divorce an I’m goin through a divorce. One of his children moved in with him recently. Which I did move in pretty fast with him but we were so happy. He kissed every time he walked in an out of door. Told me I’ve always been his perfect 10. I stayed home took care of house an he worked. We had talked bout marriage kids a lot. He gave his x wife everything so a little more than a yr ago he was extremely bad off. He’s gotten a great new job so we thought he’s the boss but they don’t know if company is moving.or going to go under. He is terrified of being unstable due to his childhood. You don’t understand it was the happiest I’ve ever know. He use to walk in the door an say wow I can’t believe this is real. It was great for months then bam he started getting distance. This went on for weeks an he text me one nite an said I know I’m in a funk an I don’t know when I’ll come out of it. He came home an was distant most of time then one night we got in a fight an he told me I needed to move out. I left for a few hrs. Came back he said I’m tryin to get steady, I’m tryin to get the relationships built back with my kids. He’s always worried bout money which he’s fine when it comes to that or at least he will b. He said it’s not that I don’t love you. I do. I see a future with u but I can’t do it now we can still talk an date an I’m not going to see anyone else but I can’t give u the attention u need. He told me I could stay until I found somewhere to live. I have no where my home burnt down a year ago an I’m fighting insurance company. So for the past month I’ve been leavin for a while then stayin one night a week with him. He’s still in bad mood an distance but every ow an then he opens up an talks like we use to. He still tells me he loves. Rarely but he does. I went to stay one night with him an when I got there later on I started doin laundry he told me to stop we had all weekend. His son was in the room. So he text me an told me I looked beauitful. I said jokingly well u haven’t called or text so I didn’t know what was going on. He said I told u it has nothing to do if I love u or if I want u. I just need time for me and I need time for my boys. Do I stayed the weekend and then then Tuesday morning when he left for work he didn’t kiss me. He said he wasn’t in lovely mood he said I’ll see u this afternoon. So I stayed another night. The next morning. I got up as he was leaving an said bye an went to kiss him an he said I told u I can’t i don’t feel like it. I told u u need to get all this stuff out. I can’t do deal with it my kids r coming over tonight an stayin all weekend. I left. I texted him an said u know I have no where to put it so can I please keep it ther he said I told u could. I know he loves me. I’m the only women he’s introduced his kids to. What do I do. He’s my fantasy. He has been. He use to say I love u an I love how into me u r. I don’t call him only when it’s to say hey can I come by an stay. We were just so happy and it just turned so fast. He kicked a roommate out an one son came to live with him an now his work but this isn’t the man I’ve known. He use to tell me if he was nice an lovely all the time I wouldn’t want him. He told me the other night in bed nothing makes him happy. I can’t lose him. I can’t help me. Which book do I get. I need advise fast



  158.  #158Rori Raye on October 27, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    Beth – Welcome, and here’s the deal: In this whole lovely letter you’ve written – I can’t find YOU. There’s only HIM, and you’re reaction to him. When you’re ready to focus on YOU, love YOU, and build YOU up – then love will show up. Right now, you’re showing so little love for yourself, that’s the way everyone else will treat you. Love, Rori



  159.  #159Tereana on October 27, 2013 at 11:24 pm

    Linda – yes, I think it’s totally fine and even a nice gesture to go to the hospital. Definitely not a good idea to go to his place. Sounds like you did a good job of following your instincts…