Do We Need To Save Marriage?

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Is the whole concept of marriage falling apart?

Or is that just  a fiction driven by all the high profile men and perhaps all the men you’re meeting now who seem to think it’s just a bunch of rules to be broken?

What does marriage mean to you?  To me?

Why do we care?  DO we care?

Why do I talk about Circular Dating in terms of “getting the ring”? Or of the “No Girlfriend Speech” as ending the concept of “boyfriend” and avoiding exclusivity outside of marriage?

Is marriage something we want because we “think” we want it?  Because it’s “tradition”?

(A lot of questions here…)

For me – I think of marriage as a form of “yummy glue.”

The glue tastes really good, is a traditional, ritualistic kind of goop, sticks real good, and is imprinted and identified with you in the glue.

It tastes like you, smells like you, tastes like him, smells like him, feels like you feel…feels like he feels…it’s a movie, a piece of paper, something in your heads.

And that’s just enough to keep you together when you’re both more afraid of intimacy or more tired of being bonded than you are in love…and can help you re-find yourself inside a relationship.

Things can get sloppy.

Things can get brittle.

Things can get superficial.

When you save the idea of marriage, it makes you want to save the marriage you’re in. It makes you want to be IN marriage.

***When men marry – they don’t really want to NOT be married anymore.***

They may want to have sex with other women, or go fishing, or watch sports til they drop, or hang with buddies, or disappear for days…but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to stay married to you.

What marriage surely isn’t – is a bunch of rules someone else made up.

Even though it feels like that sometimes.

For me – it’s about grace.

Graciousness where you are somehow encouraged to encourage another person…because you’re married to them.

It makes it so that you can heal yourself in the presence of another – to whom there is some kind of bond besides the emotional.

A legal bond means something in our world.

It’s the way we’re brought up.

So, that’s where the rules come in. The marriage rules. The rules that are meant to save marriage that sometimes kill marriage – but most often preserve marriage!

In other words – we like rules.  Men especially like rules. Men want to win. They want to own. That’s where marriage serves them. Men who want to own want to save marriage.

And that’s where you have all the power.

We somehow think, because the men we see most prominently trash the rules of marriage or avoid it altogether…that that’s the majority of men out there for you. And it’s not even part-way representative.

And the idea that those men who trash the rules of marriage are what there is out there is just something we make up in order to make ourselves and our fears of intimacy and of the potential of  “settling” for a man we wouldn’t ordinarily dream about –  “right.”

In other words – we’re playing it safe.

So – the person in whose head we need to save marriage is you.

The whole concept has become frightening and running a distant second to passion.

The Good Wife finally moves from her marriage where the rules weren’t respected into her passion for another man (who, yet, clearly respects the rules of marriage where her husband didn’t).

No woman can maintain the love and fearlessness marriage requires in a field of lies.

Marriage relies on truth-telling.

So start now.

YOU can save marriage by telling the truth now.

We ALL dream of marriage. It’s in our DNA from the earliest times.  And the rules have never changed over all this time.

It seems obsolete, but actually it’s ancient.

There are places where the rules of marriage are that one man marries many women, yes…and places where marriages are still “arranged” for property, and business, and family welfare, and just for tradition’s sake.

But the marriage WE think of is still the same.

It’s glue. Formal, legal, emotional, ritual glue.

What happens if you look inside and fear the glue yourself?

What kind of man do you meet, then?

A man who fears it, too? Or do you meet your opposite – a man who longs to sit in that glue forever?

Examine your true feelings and thoughts on this. Are you pushing love away because you’re pushing the glue of marriage away?

Can you find a way to save marriage in your mind so that it matches what you instinctively feel in your bones?

Whatever that is?

What makes me unique here in philosophy is my attitude toward “exclusivity.” I say be polyamorous before marriage and stick-like-glue exclusive after marriage.

Not to be a rule, but to go along with what’s ingrained in our systems and our brains – and ESPECIALLY because that’s how men think!

That’s how it’s ingrained in the system of a man. It goes along with the idea of “ownership” a man has – and if what you want is marriage…where does any kind of agreement that implies ownership of either of you fit outside of marriage?

He longs for connection, to be accepted and loved, to be never lonely again. He longs for marriage. Marriage saves HIM.

It’s US who are afraid of the glue!

So – what does true love and exclusivity look like without marriage? That’s where you get to invent your own life.

There is a place and time when you go exclusive before marriage.  And there’s no rule for that, because it’s a leap of faith. It’s an experiment.

It’s something you do, you allow, you give, you agree to in a way that makes you feel good instead of frightened.

But if you go there – to exclusivity – before marriage…make sure it serves you. Make sure you know who you are in this agreement. Because, essentially, you are binding yourself with emotional glue without tradition.

That makes you a pioneer! An adventurer!

Just remember…marriage is in the mind and heart and tradition of men because it’s the simple, easy, automatic way to provide glue to your relationship.

Without it, it can be harder, more challenging in the rough spots, more emotionally taxing for you – and yet – it can also feel fresher, more exciting, newer, more passionate.

***Mostly – I think that without the traditional, legal glue of marriage we get more “careful.” We tread more lightly, and do and say things to preserve the status quo rather than put all our eggs in radical honesty, vulnerability and sharing.

Without the glue, we get scared more easily.  We have an agenda. We think “I can leave” more often than – “What can I do that would be full of grace here….?”

(This post is kind of rambling – because I’m working out my thoughts and feelings as I write. And it’s full of questions for you. Because getting married and marriage and exclusivity are such cornerstones to my work – I really want to examine this so that you can feel strong in what you want – whatever that is.)

Love, Rori

 

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548 Comments

  1.  #1DE on August 22, 2011 at 7:32 am

    Wow…top of the world??? Lets see 🙂



  2.  #2DE on August 22, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Hmm…the marriage…real intimacy…yep, these fears come up the closer i get to someone…:(

    And more often than not, I project them onto my partner or prospective partner…

    It feels comforting to be able to start again…empowered by a new awareness, tools, support group…I feel a bit anxious around it…yet, somehow hopeful…

    Thank you Rori 🙂

    warm hugs,



  3.  #3Daria on August 22, 2011 at 7:49 am

    Hi Daria, if you’re feeling confused by a man – it’s so hard to tell if the relationship is moving forward or stalled – and every time you try to have “the talk” things get tense and make you feel worse – I can help.

    In my Commitment Blueprint program, I completely explain why a man’s relationship “Timeline” is so different from yours (from all of us women’s Timelines) – and how you can USE this knowledge to your ADVANTAGE!

    Getting your feeling of POWER back is crucial to you – because that’s how you radiate the confidence that will attract a man to you in an incredible, amazing, almost INSTANTANEOUS way – and the “Blueprint” will get you FEELING strong and confident because you’ll finally get what’s going on with a man, instead of always trying to guess.

    Dear Daria,

    Have you ever focused all your attention on one man, and still felt completely unsure about where things stand?

    Even after a year or two?

    Where you just don’t feel like he’s committed to you, or that you have a future together, but you talk yourself OUT of that feeling and just keep going on hope?

    I used to be the queen of that – I’d hang in with a man – believing that just because I was still THERE, he loved me. Just because I was still THERE, he was “serious” about me.

    I was the Queen of the “Imaginary Relationship.”

    Here’s a letter from Helen, who’s struggling with the reality of her long relationship with a man she loves…

    “Dear Rori, I am seeing this guy and he does not want to commit. We saw each other for 18 months, we separated for about 8 months then got back. We have been back together for about a year now. He lost his wife three years ago to cancer .

    Whenever I ask relationship questions – like ‘I wish you would introduce me to your friends because when I am in front of them I feel uncomfortable because I don’t know if they are into you or not, or who did you go out of town with and who are they to you,’ this is his answer to me…

    …’We are not in a relationship, when you ask me these questions you make me want to withdraw and what does it matter to you who these people are or if I introduce you to them? I am not anyone’s boyfriend or committed to anyone so don’t ask me relationship questions. When I find someone I will let you know, and you know how these questions aggravate me, and if you want us to get along, don’t ask me these type of questions.’

    He also has pictures of different women in the house and he says they are just friends (he’s in the picture with them.) I don’t know how to answer this because I love him so much. We sleep together. I see him at least two to three times a week, I spend the nights at his house and his mother and children know about me. His daughters are practically like my children and I love them, too.

    Lately he has been talking to me more – sharing what he’s doing, and I commend him for that and I use a lot of my feelings with him that I learned from your book. I also try to act like I trust him and try not to ask too many questions, but at least once every two or three weeks, I ask something and all hell breaks loose and the above answer is what I always get.

    I ask these questions because I get emotional and hurt and afraid he’s taking someone out of town or seeing someone else, and yet I know there’s nothing I can do. He has 3 pictures of himself with three different women and in one of them he is holding the lady like they are in love and I have to see these pictures every time I’m there. And he just says they’re friends but there are no pictures of me.

    He seems to have many women friends. So I wonder how many of us is he sleeping with. I am not dating anyone else or haven’t since my divorce five years ago – he has been the only other man. I spend a lot of time with his kids- we’re like mother and daughters .

    Please help, yours sincerely, Helen.”

    Here’s my answer:

    Helen – I’m going to be very tough on you right now, so don’t read further if you don’t want to hear:

    You are in an Imaginary Relationship. This means you think you’re in a Real Relationship, even though he said to you, clearly – “We are not in a relationship,” and has pictures of other women everywhere and none of you. You are in complete denial of your situation.

    Please do this for me:

    1. Wrap your arms around yourself

    2. Give yourself a huge hug (I’m hugging you from here…) and then

    3. Jump up and down to shake the cobwebs out of your head.

    4. Say out loud, as though he’s in front of you: “Now I hear you. We are just dating. I’m not committed, I should be dating other men. Now I see. I’m free, as are you.”

    Then,

    5. Right now, this minute, go to your closet.

    Pick out some clothes for the week.

    Make a plan to inexpensively change all your colors to pinks and lavenders and baby blues.

    Make a plan – and FOLLOW THROUGH – to change everything to soft fabrics that make you feel soft and sexy, then…

    6. Change your hair a bit with some color streaks or a color rinse, and…

    7. Go out and flirt with men.

    You cannot bring him close to you by WANTING him more. You can not excite him, attract him, or make him WANT YOU more by pressing him.

    Even THINKING about him makes your “vibe” seem needy, clingy and desperate to him. This is simply not attractive to him – and it makes your self-esteem take a nose-dive.

    Take your focus OFF of him, and do this:

    8. Find something really, really important to you to focus on (work, volunteering, art projects, school…) and focus on it.

    9. Schedule time to just hang out with yourself in your own home so you can learn to ENJOY your own company, tolerate your fear and loneliness when you’re with yourself, and raise your self- esteem and your Degree of Difficulty.

    10. Schedule time to get out, go places, do things on your own or with friends that are really INTERESTING – things you enjoy, that you can learn from, and that are FUN for you – AND where there are men.

    11. Smile at these other men. Practice my Rori Raye Dance Position in their presence. Make eye contact and keep it for 5 seconds (it feels much longer than it sounds).

    12. Let them come up to you and start conversations. Let them ask for your phone number. Give it to them. Go to coffee with them. Go to lunch with them. Go walking in a park with them.

    13. Learn to do Feeling Messages. You can learn this in all my programs and my ebook.

    And feel comfortable in your own skin around men – men you find attractive and men you don’t find attractive. Just get out there and practice and learn.

    This is your best bet in 2 ways:

    It’s your best bet to get this man you love re-attracted to you, and to compel him to want to commit to you…

    It’s your best bet to meet a man who might be even better than this man, love you more than he does, and want to claim you quickly.

    This is where my Commitment Blueprint program will help you so quickly – once you understand what a man’s romantic Timeline really IS, and can tell for sure if you’re in an Imaginary Relationship or a REAL one – you’ll be able to get your relationship and your love life finally working FOR you – to get you to your Happy Ever After.

    In the “Blueprint” program, you’ll learn my concept of Bridging – so you can STAY on track to your Happy Ever After, be able to KNOW if a man is capable of getting you there, and never again get thrown off track by the confusion a man throws at you – whether he’s doing it on purpose, or just by cluelessness.

    You’ll never again have to feel terrible because things are “misunderstood” – and you’ll finally feel “heard” and “got.” Take a look at the “Blueprint” right here:

    http://www.HaveTheRelationshipYouWant.com/CommitmentBluePrint

    For now, I want to tell Helen (and you, too, if you’re in a similar situation…) this: try this step-by-step tool. To keep going the way you’re approaching this is damaging to you, and will not help you get the man you want.

    I KNOW that following the steps will make a HUGE difference for you… you’ll see.

    Be sure to let me know how it works for you.

    Love, Rori



  4.  #4Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 7:57 am

    Thanks for this article



  5.  #5Wildflower on August 22, 2011 at 8:38 am

    I am starting another cleanse today. Starting with the limeade cleanse and moving on to the sugar detox with supplements. Last time I didn’t use the supplements so I’m feeling really curious what this will be like. Feeling nervous and excited. Kind of tingly in my chest (love my tingles). Ok writing that made me smile 🙂



  6.  #6Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Rori,

    I appreciate what you wrote, and I would go one step further to assert that marriage is in the mind and heart and tradition of GOD, not just of men. He initiated it.

    Love, Brenda



  7.  #7Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Wildflower,

    I wish you well on your cleanse! I LOVE limeade – how do you make yours? I like to make it with fresh limes and sweeten it with honey!



  8.  #8Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Daria,

    Re: #3 – Thanks for the reminder about the value of CDing. My natural tendency is to want to stop dating now that R is back in my life…but I know it is a mistake.

    He asked me the other night if I am still dating (I told him I was dating recently before he started seeing me again). What do you suggest to tell him?



  9.  #9Wildflower on August 22, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Hi Esteemed! I make mine with 5 ounces of fresh lime juice, 5 ounces of grade B maple syrup and a dash of cayenne pepper. This is all in about 1 liter of water. So far I’m on liter number two!! 🙂



  10.  #10Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 9:58 am

    wow…i think i was starting to slip into imaginary relationship zone with recycledCD…

    I mean, I know we are not defined in any sort of relationship in any way, and I’ve actually been the one to state to him that I’m dating other men and he told me he is NOT dating other women…

    but I still got this HOPE that we’d end up together happily ever after.

    As much as I try not to jump the gun like this, sometimes I can’t help but get excited about a guy when things start to feel good between us and it’s seeming to gel…even though I’m CDing…I still get kinda hung up on one guy sometimes. I need to throw him back in line with the rest of the crew, whoever that one guy ends up being every time.

    I want to heal this and remain open to all men I am dating so I don’t get so hung up on one…and then my world comes crashing down when I find out he’s not the ONE



  11.  #11Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Hmm re: recycledCD tells me he is not dating any other women but he LIVES with one. Jeez. How am I supposed to figure that out.
    I feel turned off and tired from this.
    Don’t want to focus on him and his confusion, as it appears to me.
    Not my problem.



  12.  #12Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 10:01 am

    If and when I talk to recycled again I am going to say that I don’t want to spend time with a man who lives with a woman. Thank you good bye.



  13.  #13Laughing goddess on August 22, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Emerson: “I know a lot of things in our lives have to do with our thoughts and how we direct them, but sometimes fear grips me on a physical level and just thinking happy thoughts is not cutting it.”

    When I am feeling fear about something, I try to narrow down to exactly what thought is causing the fear and then flip it or do The Work on it (which also involves flipping).

    For instance, when I first started playing in the band, I felt immense stage fright.

    So what thoughts were causing the fear?

    I will mess up
    I will look stupid up there

    Then I talk to myself as I would a little child….

    “It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you, it only matters what you think about yourself. Even if you do mess up, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved. Etc etc etc.”

    Is there something specific that you feel fear about? Can you narrow down the specific thoughts that are causing the fear reaction?

    Maybe we could play with something here so you could practice and have more specificity?



  14.  #14Laughing goddess on August 22, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Another thing I do to move out of fear and into a more powerful and resourceful state…and also to get clear on what the specific thoughts are that are triggering the fear…

    I will start out with feelings

    I feel so scared
    I feel horrible
    I feel stuck

    then I will write out my NV’s

    I can’t do this
    I’m a loser
    I look bad
    I suck

    then turn those around.



  15.  #15Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Thank you Laughing Goddess for sharing…

    Hmm…that is a good question.
    What do I fear?
    I fear rejection
    I fear abandonment
    I fear what people say about me behind my back
    I fear criticism



  16.  #16Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 10:41 am

    I feel fear of infidelity in a marriage…I hate the stabbing pain of being cheated on and the thought of my man with another female…it makes me sick.

    I feel that I’ve been avoiding/sabotaging a lifelong relationship even though that’s what I’ve been “looking for”….because that fear overwhelms me…



  17.  #17Laughing goddess on August 22, 2011 at 10:42 am

    Oooh good stuff Emerson! Tell me more



  18.  #18Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 10:48 am

    Wildflower,

    RE: #9 – Healthy stuff! Thanks for sharing! My cousin told me he does a cleanse with cayenne pepper and it works tremendously! Never tried it myself…yet! 🙂



  19.  #19Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

    I don’t want to feel like I have to fight for my man or to have him treat me well…i.e. respect me by not flirting with other women or my friends, etc…yes this has happened to me with men I’ve dated and I was furious.

    That’s why I was so triggered by EMK’s article a couple weeks back about his wife being so COOL and OK with him spending ‘TOO MUCH TIME’ talking with another female….

    Hmm I think men have instincts too and they can sense when it’s crossed the line and they’ve spent too much time or been inappropriate, but men seem to play DUMB when confronted about it like “WHAAT?? I was just having an innocent chat!”
    You know what I think???
    BULL$#%T.
    I feel afraid of being talked about as jealous and insecure.
    so what!! maybe i am!!! f you!!!!!



  20.  #20Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Wildflower,

    P.S. I’m drinking berry iced tea sweetened with maple syrup as we speak! My chiropractor says maple syrup and honey are fantastic as natural sweeteners, and they are loaded with healthy minerals.



  21.  #21Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Another vote for honey: bears like honey! 😆 (that was for SLV)



  22.  #22Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Emerson,

    RE: #19 – for me it really comes down to trust. When I feel totally wrapped up in my man’s love, I feel relaxed with him talking with other women. When I feel unsure of where I stand in our relationship, I feel horrible and jealous when my man talks with another woman.

    I do my best to look at his life as a whole. Before I came along, he freely talked with other women. I think most men hesitate to commit because they don’t want to lose their freedom. So I reason with myself that as long as he is just talking with them in public, there is nothing wrong with that.

    Back in 1990, a 60 year old counselor who I trusted and loved like a father told me that it’s a necessary part of my emotional development to make friends with different men. I have come to see it as a mark of emotional development when a man can converse freely with different women without getting all weirded out.

    My perspective springs from being a single woman for decades and often pastors in churches would virtually ignore me because I’m single. I felt like I was being regarded as a non-person. Inside, I asked with pain, “What – because I have two tits and a vagina, I’m not worthy of spiritual guidance??” So often I wished married pastors would just see me as another person. As a single woman, I felt ostracized like I was a harlot or something just because I wasn’t happily married like the rest of the world. I hated it.

    All that to say I want my man to feel free to converse with other women, and me to freely converse with other men, all in the glue of trust, to borrow Rori’s word. What do you think/feel?



  23.  #23Laughing goddess on August 22, 2011 at 11:03 am

    Emerson re 19

    so here’s what I would do in that situation, if I was thinking what you wrote in #19.

    I would imagine myself as a wise older woman who had lots of life experience and a beautiful relationship and imagine what she would say in response to hearing someone say something like that.

    It’s an exercise to tap into my higher wisdom, my inner knowing.

    What would your wise, older self say to what you said in #19?



  24.  #24Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 11:41 am

    R encouraged me to just be myself when I told him I felt insecure and scared that he would withdraw again. That felt good to hear. I feel a new freedom between us. Not totally at ease, but moving in that direction.



  25.  #25Esteemed on August 22, 2011 at 11:43 am

    I think feeling messages have made all the difference in our relationship. I love him so much! I am going to force myself to CD tho…



  26.  #26Daria on August 22, 2011 at 11:44 am

    feeling curious and inspired and jealous and excited watching project runway

    and eft tapping while watching it and drinking yoghurt

    thank you daria for taking good care of me!



  27.  #27Daria on August 22, 2011 at 11:53 am

    lets try this:

    i feel like their is a cap on my head blocking the air flow

    i love the cap on my head blocking the air flow!

    and that feels like

    smiling

    i love my smile

    and that feels like

    head to the rigth smile

    i love my head to the right smile

    and that feels like giggle

    i love my giggle

    and that feels like

    stretching neck up pressure behind my skull

    i love my streching neck pressure behind my skulll

    and that fellls

    like big breath in and out

    i love my big breath in and out

    and that feels like yee closed rotating head i love my eye closed roatating head

    and that feels like
    pressure on right thigh in back

    i love the pressure on my right thigh in back

    and that feels like

    stretching fowrard spine

    i love my stretching forward spine

    adn that feels like

    tingly throat pressure on inner right thigh

    i love my tingly throat pressure on inner right thigh

    and that feels like

    huhhhuuhummmm

    i love my huhhuhhuhmmm

    and that feells like gigllyyyy

    i love my gigglleyyyy

    and taht feels like smileing upwards

    i love my smilyng upwards

    weeee

    oh i feel so good and happy



  28.  #28Daria on August 22, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    i feel so glad to find how easy it is for me (no resistance!) to do the 2 minute t-tapp exercise

    this is amazing! yes yes yes!

    omg go meee

    and i feel good!

    oh yeah i forgot i ALREADY D?ID IT T?OD?AY

    omg!

    yes

    healing!



  29.  #29Josie on August 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    AAAAaaaaaaaargh, I feel ignored!
    My man got drunk this weekend and let another woman hang all over him while he danced to a band for 2 hours and I was outside chatting to mates.
    It was out anniversary, 1 year since we met and I felt so alone.
    We’ve rowed none stop since and now he’s just totally ignoring me
    Raaaaaaaaaaaar



  30.  #30Daria on August 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    omg when i feel touched by someone’s story of grief and i start sobbing

    i am sooo beautiful

    just hugging myself

    i love myself! i am so amazing to be a woman

    i feel like crying right now!!

    tahnk you thank you thank you big spirit and little spirit



  31.  #31Daria on August 22, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    oh Josie that must feel awful! big hugs!



  32.  #32Daria on August 22, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    what would feel awesome is after my mom cuts my hair! yay

    i go to a salon and see about them coloring it for me

    and i can go pick out some non-permanent color

    i want a purplish bright cherry like rhianna with 3 shimmery gold blond stripes that start at a point and get thicker towards the botoom

    omg that would feel so awesome to have on my hair when i come back to the us! wowowowowowow



  33.  #33Daria on August 22, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    also i want to see if i can make smoking rolling papers from soaking plants that are healthy for lungs like mullein in water and then drying them and rolling them out with pins…

    then i can smoke my ganja from healthy goddess made wraps

    ohh i feel teary

    i want all this!

    i want my energy to channel;

    and it can!

    like its easy to do the exercise i mentioned now



  34.  #34Daria on August 22, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    i felt good with my mom today!

    and she came in and we hugged and she rubbed my feet… i wasnt feeling good

    and then i fell asleep and napped!

    ohhh so wonderful!



  35.  #35Queenbee on August 22, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Wow Daria! That sounds amazing!! Yay, definitely go for it, you’ll look gorgeous.

    I’ll also be putting a deep wine streak in my hair. Can’t wait 🙂

    Didn’t know you were traveling. Are you in Brazil? Hope you are having a fab time.

    My mom is traveling in the US. She’s been gone for 3 months. She’s back on Wed. OMG, I’m the happiest. It’s been sooooo boring here without her.

    I mean, I get all my stuff done and all… but really boring. I usually connect with my mom really well. My dad usually does his thing. Thanks to Rori tools I don’t approach him or anything.

    I guess if I didn’t know Rori tools, I might feel kinda obligated to cook and approach him to say hi and stuff. Thank goodness I don’t do any of that stuff. And so interesting, he also leaves me to myself.

    Starting Sept 1st my mom is teaching me how to sew my own clothes. She’s really excellent. I can’t wait to doll myself up in my new Siren-Diva-Fashionista outfits and step out.

    Woohoo, so much fun! 🙂

    xoxo



  36.  #36Laughing goddess on August 22, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Something I’ve been learning lately is how important it is to create a compelling future for ourselves.

    I feel very excited for my future.

    I feel so relieved that this project is almost over…only three more days.
    I feel so relieved that client is happy and everything if happening smoothly.

    I feel excited to finish so that I can then focus on getting ready for burning man.
    I feel excited for my plan while I am there.
    I am going to focus on caring for myself and relaxing and lots and lots of self care…eating well, getting sleep…
    It’s going to be awesome and magical and I will have so much fun performing.

    And when I come back I will feel healthy and energized.

    And then I will be ready to take my nlp course and go to that seminar I want to go to.

    And this is going to be the best winter ever. I am already planning some fun trips.
    I am also going to take a sewing class which I feel VERY excited about.
    And Zumba.

    I am planning an awesome winter for myself!!!

    This is going to be great!!!



  37.  #37Laughing goddess on August 22, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    And today is just one step on the path.

    And rather than looking at today as boring because I have a lot of practical stuff to do, I feel inspired because I know this is one step on my path to the best winter ever!

    And once I get this practical stuff done, I will be able to move on to bigger and better things.

    And I can make the practical stuff fun today. I will listen to fun music and talks while I do it and be sure to eat well so I keep my energy up.

    Just three more days of focuses work and then fun fun fun!!!



  38.  #38Josie on August 22, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    I feel sick in my stomach, a tight, scared feeling, like angry little butterflies flighting to get out and spew all over him.
    I feel like punching and biting and kicking like a little girl who’s best friend told her she dosn’t want to be friends anymore.
    I want to be wanted.
    I want to fight and row and be mean
    I want this anger to be productive, not destructive.
    I want to know what to do



  39.  #39Josie on August 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    I want to smash and bash and growl
    I don’t want to sit here like nothing is wrong while he watches TV
    Raaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr



  40.  #40Queenbee on August 22, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    What an interesting post. It’s a hard one for me to get a handle on. I usually feel disinterested in marriage. Mostly coz I love being in my own world with no one else. I live on my own island in my head.

    Then when a man does propose, I get really excited and I can see it working out…. until he withdraws, then I go back loving my own space and ‘knowing’ I was ‘right’.

    I guess what I’ve learned is that I just haven’t met the right man to know what would truly work for me.

    I may be married one day. Definitely want an LTR first though. I think an LTR feels better to me than marriage, right now.

    I don’t like the idea of being a single mom though, if I could have children inside of a marriage that is.

    Reading Rori’s post actually makes me feel put off towards marriage.

    It feels unbearable to have another human being ‘interrupt’ my time.

    I realize I have no experience in what I’m talking about.

    Just noticing how I vacillate between feeling excited and loving the idea and not liking it and just wanting to be by myself.

    I could find a healthy balance. Next time I meet a good man, I’ll just stay calm no matter what.

    I do believe that the right man will just stick and want to stay forever, marriage or not.

    Love!!



  41.  #41Josie on August 22, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    I want to take off my engagement ring, tell him he’s an arse.
    I wish I had found Rori before I met this guy, I would have not accepted the ring in the first place
    This is not what I want.



  42.  #42Josie on August 22, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    I feel scared
    scared to leave, scared to say what I want, scared to face the truth



  43.  #43Josie on August 22, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    I wish I could afford more of Roris programs



  44.  #44Queenbee on August 22, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Yeah, I’m swimming in a sea of love and compassion. Helping a sick man raise enough funds to go to hospital. I hope others come forward to help me. If not, oh well. I never make others wrong.

    So then there’s that… and then all the practical stuff of my life needing to get done.

    It will get done. Slowly by slowly….

    Feeling a bit sick and tired of it all. Like I’m going around in circles.

    Waiting to get paid…. waiting for my mom to come home… then I’ll feel all better 🙂 But that is never the truth. There is stuff I could get done.

    Must arrange some coffee dates with girlfriends. I’ve really been out of the loop. Work, work, work… surely does make Queenbee a dull bee.

    That must be what’s going on with me….

    My dad does not want me to go out at night for security reasons, so I’m usually indoors.

    I’ve decided to move out on April 12 2013. Just don’t have time for it before then.

    I just feel stuck. I think it’s coz my body feels tight coz I haven’t worked out in a while.

    My suite is a mess and needs cleaning… and I have tons of work to do.

    *Sigh*

    I still feel *sigh*.

    Mmmh, would love a bottle of wine and a lovely date 🙂

    That’s inspiring.

    Perhaps get all my work done and make room for the man who will come into my life in December 🙂

    That feels fun.

    Pegging … that’s what it’s called here on Siren Island.

    Yeah, I’m pegging for December. So I better get stuff done…

    What I really feel like is having a piece of Brioche … yummy.

    Tomorrow I go tune pianos with Mr. Unavailable… boring….

    But I still need to go to the workshop to know what I truly feel about this project or if I’m taking too much on at a time when it’s not good for me.

    I just feel tired and bored….

    Going to get a piece of Brioche.



  45.  #45Josie on August 22, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    do I have to move out?
    I can’t see any other options
    I can’t put up with this, this is something I told him was unacceptable right from when we first met.
    How do I maintain my boundary now???



  46.  #46Josie on August 22, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    You have every right to live as you want and do as you please but I don’t want to wait for you while you get this out of your system. You can go out, get drunk and flirt with whoever you want but I won’t wait for you (hands ring back)

    Help me tweek this speech please Sirens.



  47.  #47Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Josie how much do you respect and value yourself?



  48.  #48Josie on August 22, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    well, my mouth says loads but my actions say not much at all



  49.  #49Sammie on August 22, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Josie,

    I sure understand #48! For me sometimes it is also the things that I am feeling and thinking and not saying at all. At least saying them is a big part of it!

    I think your #46 is on the right track! Right now though I think it sounds just a bit blamey (understandable!)

    I’m sure other sirens will give more helpful feedback!



  50.  #50Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    RE 48 Josie write it down here and see how you can incorporate it into your message. Maybe he needs to know that you respect yourself to be inspired to respect you.



  51.  #51Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Josie the more I told myself that and said it out loud the more comfortable I became sharing that with men. A man who respects and value himself will understand where you are coming.



  52.  #52alias girl on August 22, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    the HHG who hung up on me emailed me wanting to start over.

    but not first before blaming me for the phone conversation turning out poorly. lol.

    lol.

    i love myself so much.

    cding is fun. free therapy is fun.

    i have transformed the entire way i interact with people.

    i haven’t quite finessed it yet but is only a matter of time.



  53.  #53alias girl on August 22, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    aw. he just wanted to start over.

    but i couldn’t because he basically just blamed me and invalidated my feelings. again.

    when i said this with FM

    he said, can’t we just start over. completely disregarding anything i had just expressed.

    i told him i can’t hang with men who i feel blamed by or who invalidates my feelings. what did he think?

    (yes, in retrospect i could have phrased that in a less blamey way but whatever this guy is not getting it anyhooha.)

    he said, ok, take care of yourself.



  54.  #54Mel on August 22, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Bwahahahahaha!

    This one guy on match I’ve been emailing called me a “player.” Are you kidding me? So, women aren’t allowed to go on coffee dates with more than one guy? This makes them players?

    He said “Damn, woman! how much competition do I have?” When I told him I was all booked this week. LOL. Not sure I really want to meet this one. He’s giving off controlling vibes and this isn’t the first time I’ve sensed that.



  55.  #55Daria on August 22, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Josie – whenever he approaches me about anything i would give a feeling message:

    im feeling upset

    him: why

    me: i feel really angry about last nite

    him: …

    and i would just go on line by line with feeling messages

    and don’t wants

    i feel furious

    i feel like punching you

    i don’t want to be treated this way

    i feel helpless

    what do you think?

    etc



  56.  #56Corin on August 22, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    LOA is biting my a**. I felt rubbishy this morning and as I locked my bicycle up I knew it was a bad place to leave it but ignored my instincts. Coming back after work…half the bicycle was gone and I had to carry it home.

    I found myself going back to old victimy thought loops on ex all day today so on the advice of a friend I texted asking him if/when he is going to collect his stuff. Holding on to it feels like holding on to him and I keep hoping that when I see him to collect it we will get back together. I hope that once he comes tomorrow to get his things, I will be able to put those hopes to rest and move on and get him outta my vibe! I know I will feel so sad though when he comes and then goes. I told him this felt sad to arrange and I’m not going to pretend to be tough when he comes round. If I cry it will be practice at being vulnerable and that’s OK.

    I wish I felt happier. Maybe this step will allow me to move on and actually start to enjoy CDing more.



  57.  #57Corin on August 22, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    I’m having really bitter and negative thoughts about men today. Telling myself that they cause all the problems. They commit most of the crime. Perpetrate most of the violence. Act the most selfishly. Leave the most children. Why would I even want to get married to a man anyway? Why do I even want one? Right this momoent I don’t. I’m tired of supporting men in work, in friendships, in relationships and then being walked all over.

    Every relationship I leave, the man is always in a better financial and emotional and whatever else counts position than he was before he met me and I’m…..here. The amount of marriages that have gone on because of the hours I’ve spent supporting men through their selfish cr*p. I’ve even made a career outof it! It’s actually a joke with my friends that I support men so much that the relationship after me is always ‘the one’ because I’ve helped them through so much stuff. I’m tired of it. I’m not giving any more.



  58.  #58Corin on August 22, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    If I was to get married I certainly wouldn’t want monogamy. Sex always turns rubbish after a while when the guy gets fat and lazy. Why would I want to restrict myself to that for the rest of my life????



  59.  #59Mel on August 22, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Corin Re 58: LOL!!!



  60.  #60Susan on August 22, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    RE: 57: Corin

    I truly understand your point of view on this. I don’t think that all men are arses, but I seem to attract them and then I tend to not see that quality until it is too late. Maybe I can change who I am attracted to, but if I don’t marry them then they can’t destroy my security. Yes, this is a fear reaction. And maybe I should be brave enough to try it again, but I feel too old to start over from scratch again.

    I do want a man in my life! A good man who loves me and wants to be with only me. I just don’t want him to have any control over my finances. Twice was enough for me. Being left $20K in debt for money I never spent but was held accountable for was no fun. I finally have financial stability and I am going to protect it.

    Rori’s methods have worked very well for me in creating a bond with a good man… but I don’t want to remarry. I’ve been married for all my adult life. I want to do something different with the rest of it.



  61.  #61Susan on August 22, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    RE: 58: Corin

    There is a lot of that going around (people who stop doing body maintenance.) I don’t mind mild weight gain, but men who look 10 months pregnant are … ICK. My husband of 21 years stopped going to the dentist for many years. It was truly awful.

    My current guy doesn’t shower every day but he does go to the dentist every 6 months for a cleaning. I can live with that.



  62.  #62Ulii on August 22, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Hi.
    I´m Ulii, a young woman from the Baltic countries living currently in Spain, and new here on this blog. Discovered Rori and her programs just a month ago. Just wanted to tell you everybody, that it seems such a wonderful place of sharing and support and expressing feelings,etc. I`m reading all the articles and comments and can not stop, as it’s so interesting to get to know about Rori’s tools and all those different experiences different women share here. Don´t know really where to start. I have the e-book of “Have the relationship you want” and also just started to look the ordered “Modern Siren” program. (Can’t allow myself much more these days, as the budget is low). Please forgive my English is not perfect.

    I am in quite a turning point in my life right now and to find this website accidentally has been a real blessing.

    My story would be that I was in a long-term relationship of 6 years up until recently, but it ended, because I cheated on my boyfriend. I didn’t want to hurt him (and it causes me fisical pain as think of how he suffered), but (analyzing that now later) it was almost as escaping, or provoking an “extreme” situation for him to leave me, as I was not brave enough to end it otherwize. But I hadn’t been happy for a long time and couldn’t express it the right way and in the right moment.

    Now,reading here about feminine and masculine energy, I see that the problem probably was that my ex is quite feminine-energy. He expresses his feelings all the time, wants to be touched and cherished, wants me to organize events for us and invite him to go to places etc (although he did it aswell, but i always felt a pressure from him to do it more). And that kind of turned me off in many ways. Although up to when the cheating I felt always the more committed member of our partnership and it felt to me he was never sure (until now after what happened he has been telling me all the nice things I needed to hear before).
    And I have been the masculine energy, – Quite introvertive, action- and goal-oriented, etc. It comes strongly in my genes as both my grandmother and mother are the leaders and decision makers in their relationships and families and the men go along with it. But I am not happy like that, I want to feel as a woman, and to be cherished and taken care of a s a woman. Maybe I´m not expressive enough (also common in my culture), but I would like to be the feminine energy partner in my relationships. I got a glimpse of that with that other man who seemed quite much more masculine as my own boyfriend, but I started “leaning forward” with him, contacting him first etc, and I guess he lost it for me and put me to the only friend zone.

    Now, my ex boyfriend after he got over his first anger, has started do do things which I could describe as pursuing. We go on kind of dates, he’s contacting me even if i’m not contacting him, he has sent a big bunch of roses to my workplace in our meeting-anniversary — first time ever, invitations to concerts and cinema, cooking for me, etc). I feel really nice he does that. I try to appreciate it and give some feeling message feedback (really awkward for me..). But I can see he waits I ‘ll will respond with the same (like cooking for him aswell, inviting him aswell etc.). And as I feel so guilty about what happened, I have this urge to please him and make everything ok again, only that I could take his pain away,…although I don’t know if I really could be happy with him if he stays i this feminine energy. If I read about Circular Dating, I would like to try that, but it makes me feel so guilty again in front of my ex, who would’t understand it, I guess.

    That was long now, sorry,but I would appreciate so much some comments. Do you think it is possible that a man would became more masculine? If I have been the one who whithdraws and cheats in a relationship, can I still use Circular Dating? What to do with the overwhelming guilt I feel?

    Thank you so much for reading.

    Hugs!

    Ulii



  63.  #63Camille on August 22, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Dear Ulii,
    Can you give more details…such as
    are you living together?

    Or were you boyfriend and girlfriend and you had sex with someone else?



  64.  #64tinque on August 22, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    “Sex always turns rubbish after a while when the guy gets fat and lazy.”

    No it doesn’t, and no they don’t. Sex can actually get better and better, and though they just as we do, this doesn’t mean they all let it all go.There is hope Corin, lots and lots of it.

    xxoo



  65.  #65Queenbee on August 22, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    Hi Ulli – Welcome.

    I guess I wouldn’t feel that guilty or at least I’d get over it fast since it’s not an exclusive relationship outside of marriage.

    I get you were in the ‘girlfriend’ status – and so it was exclusive in that sense, but definitely not good for you.

    When CDing we can choose – sex included.

    I get your confusion and am only holding up a mirror so you see other options.

    I’ve had experience with a man not understanding me CDing. Turned out he wasn’t the one anyway.

    The right man WILL step up and claim me. So I don’t worry anymore whether a man gets it or not. It’s not about him, it’s about me owning my power and having options so that I can have the relationship I want.

    Rori teaches us to babystep. Babystep to what feels good to you. With that said… there’s no way to know his reaction around CDing in advance – that’s just speculation.

    I’d just continue to use FMs and practicing the tools.

    I personally would not worry about feeling guilty and I certainly would not give myself to a relationship because I felt guilty.

    It just doesn’t serve anyone or anything.

    I’d just choose to release the guilt/ own it and get on with my life and feeling good.

    That’s just me.

    xoxo



  66.  #66Susan on August 22, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Camille…

    I’ve been curious as to what happened after you and your man had a serious talk… Care to share?



  67.  #67Queenbee on August 22, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Feeling angry and ugh.

    Some men only know how to criticize. I wonder if that’s why I feel what I feel… or is it coz I’ve just been feeling ugh-y all day 🙁

    Perhaps I need to move out sooner … we’ll see…

    What I really need is to get out and do something that’s not work. Been cooped up for weeks with no social life.

    I just feel angry. I don’t want to be told what to do. I don’t want to be bugged. I don’t want to be inundated by people’s negative beliefs and limited thinking.

    I’ve got it. I feel like I’m in prison.

    Damnit!! Feeling angry!

    I want to punch and scream and hit…. what’s up with me?

    AAAARRRRGHHH!!!



  68.  #68Ulii on August 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    Hi Camille,
    We were boyfriend and girlfriend and living together in a way last 3 years, I mean we were sharing a big house with other people, where everybody had their own room.
    We had been talking about moving on our own soon, as we had been talking about marriage few years before, but nothing seemed to get to actions actually my ex boyfriend blamed me now that I hadn´t let him know I seriously wanted to get married — as I should have proposed him or smth?

    I met the another guy in a party few years ago where he started to go after me, I was just amused and flattered, maybe little bit attracted, but nothing more until this spring when in the easter holiday i was so alone and bored my boyfriend was on a trip where I coudln’t go because of my work) and contacted this guy to go to a concert. he came from another town and had dressed up and all, so it just got me fall for him (not on the spot, but soon). After my boyfriend came back, I felt really guilty and talked to him about my confused feelings. He asked me to stop seeing this other guy, delete him from my facebook etc. And that was when my bf really started to look a house for us and told me how much he loves me and how much he always wants to be with me etc. For me it felt little bit late, because that moment I already had this “crush” on the other guy. It also felt like my bf does it out of fear of losing me. Nevertheless, I agreed not to see the other guy, went on like that 2 months, but couldn´t avoid myself seeing him again while my bf was on another trip. And that time we had sex, because I already felt doomed, and I felt trapped with my boyfriend without real feelings for him, so that moment I didn’t care what happened.

    Now readin this I feel like teenager, but I’m already 30, so it feels so confusing to be at this point.

    As my ex found out about the second meeting I had with this guy, he was anfry devastated, he asked me to leave the house (which I did), and I thought he never talks to me again. But already a week later he was contacting me, telling he knows I’m not really a bad person and that I made this out of panic and that he wants to get along with me well. So now we are getting along better than well, and when he has done some more masculine things, I have felt my feelings towards him coming back.

    But I am afraid of this. I try not to let the guilt and feeling pity for him influence me too much, as I want to get back with him because i feel love and desire for him again not for other reasons. But I don´t know if I have the right to expect pursuing and cherishing from him, as I have done all this bad to him. So somethimes I get sad and feel I couldn’t make it with him any more, because too much has happened, and if I want to start to practice the tools, it should be with other men. I don’t know. I feel confused.

    Thanks anyway. Already writing here helps to clarify my mind a bit.

    More hugs.



  69.  #69Ulii on August 22, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    RE: 65 QUEENBEE
    Thank you.
    I do would like to have known all this before. Circular Dating, as well as the “Girlfirend trap”, Masculine and Feminine energy, etc are all new concepts to me, so it’s a bit scary and takes some time to get started with. Also, because i have really few free time these months and I have problems with insomnia, i feel quite empty of energy and not quite up to meet new people. “Dates” with my ex are different, because I know him already and feel quite comfortable, as I guess, i feel with more power than before during our exclusive relationship.

    About marriage though, what I see here in this part of world (Spain), is that long-term relationship is considered almost marriage, but my circle of people is quite against marriage because they see it as a “church-imposed establishment” and so it’s not something young left-wing people would consider, etc. (I don´t feel the same, because I like the idea of marriage and I do think it’s important and motivates you work things out with your partner, but I feel quite alone feeling that in the middle of my friends and acquiaintances here).

    And I would like to get rid of this guilt and that other peoples’ feelings matter too much to me. Sometimes I’m so occupied feeling along with others that it’s hard for me to identify what my own feelings are. Not much boundaries.

    But I will try to start working with these tools i find here and Rori’s e-book.

    Thanks again.



  70.  #70alias girl on August 22, 2011 at 5:15 pm

    i had gotten rid of my couch about six or more months ago. I DISLIKED it very much. Everytime i looked at, sat upon, or even merely reflected upon the couch, i felt blech. so one day i dragged it to the curb and before i even got it there, my neighbor wanted it so we brought it into his place. good riddance, couch.

    and today, FINALLY, i got rid of this horrendous AWFUL chair. i dragged it to the curb and felt EMBARRASSED that it was even in my apt at all. it had been covered though so it hadn’t looked so bad.

    and so now i have no seating apparatus in my living room. and i don’t care. i feel free. i feel BETTER! I FEEL BETTER!

    I envision my ideal couch.

    i FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. BLECH is gone. now there is this beautiful open space to fit a beautiful couch i love. OR maybe i will just move alttogether and get a couch in my new place.

    either way it is now easier to vacuum.



  71.  #71alias girl on August 22, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    congratulations, alias girl.

    why thank you. i feel so good. i am looking forward to my beautiful new home with my beautiful new couch and in the meantime i am appreciating the ease of vacuuming and all the extra space!



  72.  #72Ulii on August 22, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    Other thing:
    I feel there is really few masculine men left. At least under 35. Here the mayority would be shaving not only their chests but also their legs. I cant’t take that. A big turn off to me.
    Maybe it’s what I see now, but I’m really afraid to be obligated to be the masculine partner, I just don’t want to. So I get allergic to all femininity in guys…when they are too emotional, talk too much, can not make decsions, cry, put to much perfume, shave their legs..etc — and there’s a lot of it around me.



  73.  #73Ariadne on August 22, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Hello! This is my first post. I have been reading your Blog for a few weeks, and just ordered the e-book. I Love it!!! All of you have been so helpful to me. I have a question. I was in a six year imaginary relationship. Is it chasing a man, if I still go to our local pub, and he does too? I live across the street from it , and have a lot of freinds and neighbors who go there too. The only problem is , is that the ex goes there still too, and he brings his dates there with him. I still have a mild feeling for him, and it upsets me to see him there. Is this wrong of me to feel this way? There are numerous places he could bring his dates. Please help. Thank you.



  74.  #74Susan on August 22, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    re: 73: Ariadne

    WELCOME!

    There may be many places he could bring his dates, but he is bringing them to the place you frequent. There is nothing you can do about that. The best way to heal your heart and move on is to circular date.

    When you go to this place, do you go alone? Do you have friends there you hang out with? Or do you just sit at the bar pretty much by yourself? Why do you like this place more than other places? Is it because you can walk home and don’t have to drive at all? Why is he going there? Does he live just as close? Or does he go there with other women to rub your nose in it? Deciding what to do hinges somewhat on the answers to these questions.

    Perhaps it is time to widen your circle of friends and increase the places you like to frequent… Create a life that doesn’t include him, but includes lots of yummy men you will be meeting.



  75.  #75Jaspen on August 22, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    Hi, I’m new here too!
    I’ve read Rori’s eBook & did the “Targeting Mr. Right” program once and I’m now working on these both for the second time around.

    But I’m feeling stuck! The first thing I’m coming up against is developing a “script” for when my date asks me to “reciprocate” his efforts of coming to see me. I live in a small town, and to feel cared for & to execute “little effort”, I do want my dates to meet me in my town. That means that they’ll have to drive a distance, usually between a half an our to an hour, sometimes even more.

    Eventually, if not right away, they’ll say something like, “let’s pick a place to meet in between”, or “how ’bout you come to see me sometimes”. Ugh. I can say that I feel better staying closer to home, and can say something like “oh, I do feel so cared for when my date comes to see me instead”, but I have two problems with that:

    1) I feel like it’s not enough to share. I don’t want to give a lengthy explanation, but I would like to share more deeply about my experience inside, which I am having a hard time accessing/recognizing. Perhaps partly because of:

    2) I feel a little guilty about having him drive so far, and having that be a condition to see me. I feel like it’s somewhat selfish, and I don’t want to come off as having a sense of entitlement or being spoiled.

    [Although, I sure WOULD like to be spoiled by my man!]

    See how confused I am?
    Can anybody help? Even suggestions on what you have or might say when a guy says that I should “reciprocate”……?

    Thank you so much for your feedback, ideas, and help!
    ~ Jaspen



  76.  #76Ice Princess on August 22, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    I used feeling messages two separate times to tell LP that it feels bad when he doesn’t call me regularly. Well, he called tonight and briefly spoke when he usually would have turned into a hermit getting things ready at/for work. I feel so good right now because he considered those feelings! 🙂



  77.  #77Ariadne on August 22, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Susan, Thanx for your response. Yes, I go there because that is where my circle of friends are., and I don’t have to drive. Only problem is…..we share the same corcle of friends, because I introduced him to them all over a 6 yr. period. It just feels horrible to see him there with his new women. I will CD, but I really have to learn how to flirt. Could you tell me if Modern Day Siren includes that. He had more feminine energy…I did too, but he seemed to want me to change and have more masculine energy. I didn’t like it. This was not the main cause of our breakup….but it had a lot to do with it. Xo



  78.  #78AmazingMe on August 22, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    Sometimes I wonder, Is the type of romance and marriage I am after gone for good?? I mean I feel like one of the very few that still wants the fairytale. Or that believes I can still have it! Things are just so different now, Holidays so commercial ! Weddings an expensive tradition to fill up your photo album of make believe happiness! argggghhh ..sorry to be negative just venting



  79.  #79Susan on August 22, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    RE: 77: Ariadne

    I think the Siren course will teach you how to flirt and teach you additional skills that will help you tap into your feminine power.

    IMHO, I think you should continue going to that place from time to time. It was yours first and your friends are there. But you should also branch out. The world is a big place and full of interesting people and experiences. If you think of this as an opportunity and as an adventure, you could make it fun for yourself.



  80.  #80Ariadne on August 22, 2011 at 6:25 pm

    Susan that’s exactly what I’m going to do! Think of it as an adventure….with no thought to the final outcome. I was married for almost 30 yrs. This guy was the only one I was with after that. It was a dead end relationship….but he kept telling me he was working on his commitment issues. I felt led on and disappoointed. Yes, I made the mistake of being his GF…and lost my options. I don’t blame him entirely. My instincts were telling me it wasn’t a good relationship…but I stayed, hoping things would change. We had a very complicated relationship. My ex husband had an affair with his wife…and they married. We started talking about a year and a half later. He pursued me. We live in a very small town. Very complicated. Lots of emotion due to the circumstance of our meeting and healing process. I emotionally gave waay to much to him. I know better now.



  81.  #81Susan on August 22, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    RE: 75: Jaspen

    Okay, my response to your query doesn’t fall strictly within the Rori way, but I’m asking you consider it. From what you have described, the town/city you live is somewhat small. Doesn’t that limit what there is to do there? Is there more to do or see in the towns and cities your dates live? Is there public transportation between them? I’m thinking that if there are more fun things to do in his city/town, he might be willing to pay your way to travel to him and he can show his town off to you and if he is serious about you he might want to introduce you to his friends and family. It could be an adventure! I am not suggesting you pay your own way or arrange this by yourself. He should do that. This all really depends on how close you are to the man emotionally. His wanting you to come to him might be him wanting to share his world with you or it might be him getting a little lazy in courting you. You are the only one who really knows what his motives might be.

    In my relationship, my man comes to me roughly 80% of the time and I go to him about 20% of the time. He recently asked me to come to him more often, but not because he is tired of driving. He lives near a more sophisticated city than I do and he wants to take me places there. He arranges our dates and pays for everything but my gas. It still feels very much like he is in the masculine role even though I am going to him.



  82.  #82Jaspen on August 22, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Hi Susan!

    Thank you for responding to me! I am so new to this community that your (&others) feedback is a real help with getting my bearings on even the basics of using this program.

    To respond to your suggestion, yes, that is a creative way to think about it, but really, I live in a lovely, lovely town – in fact many tourists come here because it is so quaint. I have an especially nice mile and a half walk that I like to share, especially with new dates. There are also a myriad of shops, events, and a lovely river with walking & hiking trails. Also, I am a single mom, so my free time with dates is limited.

    More than that, though, I am wanting my man to be available to give his energy to me. I want to be supported & cared for. Sure, going to his town & meeting the people in his world will will be a pleasure – once he becomes a “regular” who I would consider eventually having a committed relationship with. But for new date whom I am just getting to know, and perhaps this is part of the weeding out process (?), I want to feel my man make the effort – and even enjoy it. Is that radical??

    And yes, I think you hit it just right – it does feel more like the men are not wanting to “step up to the plate” of taking full responsibility for their masculine role. I suspect they aren’t even aware that this is a significant part of their role, and I don’t want to fall into the old trap of “educating” them.

    What I’m really hoping to find help with is expressing my need from my feminine essence. Fully, completely, and beautifully. Can anyone offer some examples of ways that could be possible? Am I totally off base here?

    Many thanks again,
    ~ Jaspen



  83.  #83Daria on August 22, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    YAY JASPER — you really seem to have the logistics and mindset of leaning back down… and in such a clear simple way… oh i feel excited for you



  84.  #84Daria on August 22, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    oops *Jaspen

    you are so ON BASE Goddess!! woo hooo

    practice expressing the feminine by using feeling messages…

    right here on blog is great

    i actually feel so excited to read your post myself… not only for you



  85.  #85Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    RE 183 Ariadne Some months ago Rori wrote an article addressing a similar situation and talks about being a RockStar free spirit if you have to be in the same locale where an ex works or hangs out. I believe that post would be good for you to read.



  86.  #86Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    RE 68 Ulii You deserve all those things. Until he finalizes the deal with what you want (ring, marriage, home etc) he knows he has no claim on you. That is the reason he came back. Rori has articles on those concepts. Have you been reading the past posts around the blog?



  87.  #87Daria on August 22, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Jaspen – maybe my experience will help

    sometimes, when im expressing a new boundary… such as “i dont drive to meet men”

    or something new… like say my new practice that i dont feel super confident about…

    or sharing that i feel judgemental about something like that he works for dept of defense when i am antiwar (babystep with this one tonite yay for me)

    or any something that – in general – think i will BE JUDGED about… such as… that i want to live somewhere … for free

    or i want a man to go down on me…

    or that i want to date multiple men

    i feel uncomfortable, and anxious… and i judge it as irrational … – i fear that i will draw attention to it by expressing that fear – so i try to play it cool like its totally easy for me to say.. when its not!

    what’s helped me is to start with how i feel

    “wow i feel embarassed… and the truth is i feel so awkward talking about this”

    “i don’t actually feel good to drive to a man”

    now, that i ahve this practice down a few – a lot – of times… i notice latelly that it only takes once or twice of sharing those feelings… and engaging in deep intimacy that way… to heal my fear

    and then i actaully AM all relaxed when i share that boundary… and it just is… ‘shrug’ natural… and men of course accept it

    now, that doesnt mean that i D?ONT get judged… sometimes i DO … and… that is so ok! cuz its part of the healing, and i just express, or let those men drop out… and i heal heal heal

    So to summarize…

    i actually express how it feels awkard and scary to Talk about this… and then share whatever the boundary is or etc that i feel scared i will be judged about

    even

    “oh my gosh it feels so scary to talk about this… i feel scared to be judged… etc”

    will do

    will he still insist on his way? maybe

    but now i barely notice that men asked me those things because i so easily just say no to them… in fact the guy i just had a convo just 5 minutes ago asked me to drive to him, and … pay his bills, but because i felt so comfortable saying totally no to that without feeling triggered (anymore) i JUST FORGOT ABOUT IT until this second now when i had to think about it!

    it Does get easy breezy!



  88.  #88Daria on August 22, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    re the selfish stuff…

    the more i grow… i reach my comfort zones of what i feel i Deserve… and then have to heal that and expand some more … and then more and then more

    its an ongoing process

    i feel happy i am now willing to receive so much more than before!

    woo hoo



  89.  #89Daria on August 22, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    now i just say…

    man: so come to me.. meet me half way this time

    me: oh… that doesnt feel too good *frowny face* (literally i frown even if im tlaking to him on phone)

    i dont feel good to meet a man.. it doesnt feel romantic to me

    him: well i came to you

    me: oh this feels bad.. im feeling kinda put off and a lil angry.. i dont want a man that doesnt want to come to me and romance me

    etc… i even said before like rori showed “i feel like im a lil high maintenance… i dont feel good meeting a man”

    except now, i dont even feel that’s high maintenance anymore so it doesnt apply

    yes!!

    and i felt so good today to notice that about me in the conversation!



  90.  #90Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    RE 54 Mel I would go. It is for practice remember. You get to feel how it feels unless of course you are already feeling bad about what is now taking place. It could be just a misunderstanding. He could be so taken by you that he wants to have you all to himself. Can you blame the poor man?



  91.  #91Jaspen on August 22, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    Thank you, Daria! And thank you so much for being available to “listen” to me while I practice!

    So things like:

    “Oh dear God, I feel dread and panic by the prospect of dating outside of my town” (haha – should I really SAY something like that??)

    Or “I feel pretty drained by the idea of dating outside my town”

    This is interesting, Daria, because when I tried to come up with feeling messages on my own, all I could think of was the one that was positive…..”I feel so cared for when my date comes to see me”. And that’s where I got stuck – on my own, my mind couldn’t imagine sharing from my heart about my NEGATIVE experience. It’s as if I have a subconscious rule that it’s not “allowed” (by ME), and at best, it’s not polite – heaven forbid, right?

    So now, so far the script looks like:
    Well, Joe Shmoe, to be really honest, when I think about dating outside of my town, I feel a real sense of dread. I feel so…(WHAT, JASPEN, WHAT???) I feel so cared for (is that a feeling?) when my dates come to see me instead. What do you think about that?

    I’m still having a little block around coming up with my positive feelings when somebody comes to see me here – which is kinda weird being that I was once in a “relationship” (hah) for three years where the guy came here, like with Susan above, eighty percent of the time. And THAT, my friends has the potential of bringing up a whole other can o’ sexual-role-confused worms 🙂

    Thank you again, Daria & all, I am SO appreciating your responses!

    ~ Jaspen



  92.  #92Jaspen on August 22, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Wow, Daria, hearing your own practice is SO helpful!!

    Please excuse my slow response – I’m on an iPad, so everything, especially my typing, is delayed. I’m going to carefully read over what you’ve shared with me, Daria, and take it all in. So far, I especially like the part about, “It doesn’t feel romantic”…..for my man not to come to me; and about the pre-talk about how it feels awkward to talk about. Genius. Thank you, thank you!



  93.  #93Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    RE 91 Jaspen it sounds to me that you need to feel safe also.



  94.  #94Queenbee on August 22, 2011 at 8:11 pm

    I find that when I express my negative emotions a man just kinda shuts down. Or is that my perception?

    I would love to express my negative emotions openly.

    Isn’t that what it’s all about?

    I want to feel good expressing myself in all ways and not having a man make it about him.

    Then I can say whatever I want without worrying about what he will say/ do. After all, it is about ME.

    My negative emotions are as much a part of me as my positive ones.

    I feel kinda phoney having only positive emotions.

    Ugh! Feeling so tired of it all.

    Time to wash my hair and get ready for piano tuning.

    I look forward to a beautiful day that will hopefully shift my vibe.

    I wonder how it will be when I get in the room full of pianos.

    That should be fun and interesting.

    I better go find out.

    That’s my mission today – To Find Out….



  95.  #95Queenbee on August 22, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    I feel fear around sharing that ‘it doesn’t feel romantic”.

    Wow, that’s way deep, Siren-Diva-Femininelike.

    I need to be more open and accept that I do want more romance in my life… maybe…

    Don’t know why I have that ‘maybe’ but I do.

    I feel so ‘poor me’. Maybe it’s coz I’ve had insomnia for the last few days.

    I think that could be it.



  96.  #96Femininewoman on August 22, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    RE 94 Queenbee remember that some of these guys are learning too.



  97.  #97Jaspen on August 22, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Feminine Woman – YES! That’s part of it too, the safety issue. Thank you!

    Queen Bee – you bring up a good point: the BOYS I typically find myself with will often shut down or get huffy or place blame. Daria’s thoughts about being judged speak to this, and I can see how bringing up that concern beforehand would be helpful. Then, if & when the guy does respond in a negative way, our feelings about being judged becomes the new topic. I’d love to hear further sharings about that ~



  98.  #98Jaspen on August 22, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    Daria’s experience also speaks to my NEXT issue, which is about expressing how we feel in relation to the man paying for dates (and yes, we can suggest low cost or cost free dates, but again I especially like bringing out how I like to be romanced). So we can reveal our awkwardness around discussing that, as well as anything else that we feel judged about, either by ourselves or by our date. Another point that I appreciate about Daria’s experience is how simply and clearly she states her boundary. Just like that. We don’t need to squirm. This is all good stuff!



  99.  #99Silver-Tongued Siren on August 22, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    “Without the glue, we get scared more easily. We have an agenda. We think “I can leave” more often than – “What can I do that would be full of grace here….?””

    YESSSS.

    I do not want to be a perpetual “maybe”, I intend to be committed to loving the person I am with every moment, every day, every year, through it all, with the person who chooses the same.

    I intend to have a solid foundation. Living together without marriage) just leaves you with an attitude of “I can leave” and this doesn’t help the relationship succeed!



  100.  #100Starla on August 22, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    omg
    alias girl
    that’s brilliant

    i’m gonna put my couch up on craigslist tomorrow. i’ve been saying i want it gone for a while.

    i don’t care if i “don’t have the money” for a new one in my wallet. i feel like i’m HOARDING my sofa.

    maybe i’ll go to the discount store and buy a bunch of pretty cushions for people to sit on in the meanwhile.



  101.  #101Starla on August 22, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    i went browsing online for sofas and sorted the display pages “highest to lowest price.”

    some of these really nice sofas don’t feel so expensive to me.

    i am going to love my new sofa!



  102.  #102Tmizz on August 22, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    This is such a great Rori post!

    [Is marriage something we want because we “think” we want it? Because it’s “tradition”?]

    That is such a good question!! I have been asking myself this lately, actually. And if I go inside, I see that, yes, it is something I want simply because it’s natural to me. No one has to “tell” me that I want it.

    But at the same time, there are a lot of ways to be in relationship. And marriage, even as a goal, is not an endpoint. Even if you are married to someone, it is still a matter of managing yourself, your emotions, and simply experiencing and learning from everything, moment by moment. Why not start that when you are NOT in marriage, forget that you “need” marriage, and then, find out one day, that it’s just there!

    Right now, for me personally, I feel that the idea of marriage is just so heavy and large. It is natural, but it is such a HUGE step in intimacy that I might just not be ready for. Right now, I feel like giving myself PERMISSION to be someone’s girlfriend. That’s something I’ve never done before. And, thinking back, I can remember my parents admonishing me against dating when I was really young – when they could have encouraged me instead of frightening me away from it and making me feel self-conscious. And later, I made all kinds of excuses for why I couldn’t be anyone’s girlfriend: “I’m ugly,” “I’m not cool,” “I’m too smart,” “No one will ever like me,” etc. etc.

    But all of these are just lies that are preventing me from being – and from being myself – in ANY relationship. Right now I’d like to just START by giving myself to be someone’s girlfriend. Even if marriage ISN’T on the table. Yes, committed, but still CDing in the sense of noticing how men are attracted to me, and not cutting off ALL of my options. If I’m not giving myself permission to do that, then I am effectively not giving myself permission to get married, either, and that, really truly is what I want.



  103.  #103Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    Hi Sirens I’m just getting caught up on the blog and welcome to all the newbie sirens!!!!!

    I had a CD tonight with a nice guy that I met online. But, no future and no sparks. Prob our first and last date. I found myself using feeling messages and leaning back, and he was actually leaning in to talk to me. Yay me! I used the too to focus on him and stay in the moment by saying to myself that I feel curious about his shirt or his hair or what not. I felt like that went ok.

    But we are totally not a match. I found myself initially asking myself if I could picture myself having sex with him and at first I said tomyself “no” then I changed my mine and said “yes” then back to “no” again.

    I also found myself using the STOP SIGN tool to tell my NVs to shut up…I started thinking “he’s so athletic Emerson, he won’t like you. He doesn’t like you or think you are pretty”….I told my NVs to shut up.

    Anyway, I am so tired right now, but I will tell you that the weirdest part was when we were talking about age and he mentioned twice about that he was “getting old” and I said how old are you??? He is 37. I told him I just turned 40, and sirens, he literally made a scowling face like “ouch” or something like that….it was so odd and made my tummy hurt a little bit feeling sad and shocked…I feel it again now as I write.

    It was kinda weird!!! It felt bad to see that reaction. I went on the defensive and said that I don’t care about my age because I feel young and it is only a number.

    Hmm…i feel worried that sirens will think that I am kind of bragging, but usually if I tell men my age, they often tell me “WOW!! You are 40? You don’t look it at all! You are beautiful!” etc etc etc…

    This guy just made a grimace face. LOL…. 🙂 🙄

    What can ya do but be amused….



  104.  #104Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    I should have said “oh it feels bad to see you grimace and make that face when I mention my age”…but I felt like I was not being totally authentic with him anyway so I just didn’t feel like it after that. Blech.

    Also I said the weirdest thing to him as we said bye, I told him call me sometime if you want to hang out again but just as friends. I was right there on the cornere having an akward friends speech…OVERFUNCTIONING.

    MEH…I don’t want to CD anymore!!!! I hate these first and only dates. And I worry that they will think I’m weird and then we end up having a mutual friend or something and it will be akward. I’m paranoid I know but jeez you CD enough peopel and you never know.

    Hmmmff!!!!!!

    feeling burned out on CDing but as Esteemed once said the next worst thing is being alone and I don’t want that either….bleeeccchhh

    I feel like puking tummy hurts.



  105.  #105Xti on August 22, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    This post interests me, but what I find even more intriguing is my lack of being triggered around it.

    As the most married and divorced member of my family and friends (3x), I have spent a fair amount of my life defending my choice to marry, or re-marry as the case may be, and I’m feeling curious about my lack of needing to defend marriage at all now.

    In my case, there was almost no effort on my part in getting to the altar. I was marriage-minded, and so I attracted marriage-minded men. But to my detriment, my focus on marriage was laser-like; it was a litmus test that said nothing about some other criteria equally, if not more, important for the long-term success of a relationship.

    Now… I feel no need to get married: I have zero desire to legally bind myself to another human being. And what I find so interesting is that as soon as I say that, my friends and family seem to want to convince me that I will eventually change my mind. And though I may feel a little temptation to do it, I don’t defend getting married–or not getting married–anymore.

    Because what has really changed is me. I don’t have to explain anything. I just smile now and let them have their thoughts. Now I only worry about convincing myself.



  106.  #106Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    Oh and this CD was really nice though, seemed like a kind hearted guy and all. But he told me an interesting story from the get go…that one girl he met online told him she expects trips and to be provided with gifts, etc…and he laughed and said can you believe that? well that’s just not ME….I’m like hmmm interesting.

    I felt bored and annoyed taht hes talking about another girl online.

    He also asked me one of the first questions like what do you think about all this online dating, etc..and that he’d been doing it for a couple of years…which makes me feel curious why so long???

    I have had a few CDs ask me what I think of online dating and how’s it going etc….have you met any stalkers or weirdos…do you have any funny stories…uh I don’t even want to talk about that ok…its akward….I always find that to be a strange thing to ask, next time a guy says that I’m going to tell him to shut up and then leave the date. JOKING…hahaa



  107.  #107Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    94 queenbee
    I hope you had a nice time with the pianos…sounds nice! 🙂
    Hmm…men shutting down when they hear negative emotions expressed…I had this happen the other day with recycledCD big time, i actually used FM and I was calm and not blamey (at least in the beginning oopsies I got a little madder later in the convo and kinda lashed out-oh welllll!!)

    Anyway I was calm and used FM telling him how it felt bad to hear that he lived with a female and I felt sad and left out when I think about it…and he got all upset and defensive and said he shouldnt have told me and been honest cuz now see…I’m upset and mad.

    I actually verbalized to him that I don’t want to feel like I cannot express my emotions to you without you lashing out and shutting down, i told him I have the right to feel what I feel because they are MY FEELINGS….and it was all a big mess.
    Hmm I’d really like to heal this!!!!!!!



  108.  #108Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    Xti thanks for sharing and yes you are correct IMHO you don’t have to explain anything to anyone about your marriage status! I am starting to learn that concept myself!!!!



  109.  #109Tmizz on August 22, 2011 at 11:36 pm

    Emerson – Welcome back from your date! 🙂

    I, too, felt an icky knot in my stomach when you described your guy’s reaction to your age. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what that’s about. It just sounds like he’s totally hung up on the age as a number and he’s bypassing who you are as an actual person. And that’s not cool.

    But it sounds like, even without that, you’re not totally into this guy. He does not sound like a great catch! In fact, I would venture to say that, as “old” as he thinks he is getting, he has some “growing up” to do – to learn that “maturity” is not the same thing as “age,” and not only that, dismissing a woman out of hand just based on that could be the biggest mistake of his life! lol

    Glad you’re keeping your sense of humor about it, though:)



  110.  #110Tmizz on August 22, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    Xti – Thank you for your post. I really value what you have to say around this.



  111.  #111Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:44 pm

    109 Aww thanks Tmizz for your kind words and reply to my story…yes he seemed a bit on the “green” side..needs to mature a bit.

    Some people are so hung up on age. I am not seeing why some people lie, or are secretive about, their age….

    My age turning 40 has been a big issue at work too and I feel annoyed about that…it’s been subtle but since people learned my age some weird things and attitudes have happened and me no likey. From now on I’m going to keep quiet about my age because most people think I’m like 33 years old.

    I honestly feel pretty blech about a lot of men that try to talk to me that are older (and I’m talking 10 plus years older) it just feels like such an age gap to me but I would never express it so rudely with a grimacy face like my date did…it was so bizarre.



  112.  #112Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    111 I meant to say I am *NOW seeing why people lie or are secretive about their age…



  113.  #113Emerson on August 22, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    I have a couple other potential CDs that I’ve talked to online but I feel very negative and blah towards them…maybe I should just wait until I have a better attitude because right now I think they are all losers. I know it’s a bad attitude.



  114.  #114Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 12:11 am

    Soooooo… I am up too late again, catching up on posts, and I should be going to sleep.

    Where to begin?

    Well…I had a good/fun experience this weekend. I have a certain person back in my life, all of a sudden. Well, it feels sudden, but also just kind of like, “yeah, of course this is happening.”

    Someone has an “R” already, and I can’t remember what I called him before, so let’s call him RoBoat (or RB for short:). Well, I met RB at a club several months ago. We danced. I was all sireny and melty, and, well, of course he just *had* to see me the next day. And three times that week. And by the end of the week, he was letting me drive his car. He also, at the end of this week, being a bit tipsy, took my hand and said, “Tiffany,” (my name is not Tiffany) “We’ve been seeing each other for a week, and this is going really well, and…” basically, he was asking me for exclusivity. So first, I corrected him on my name (I’m still laughing and ragging him about it;). And then I asked him for more time to think about it (I was still seeing a few people from online). So he said sure.

    Anyway, he ended up accompanying me to a friend’s wedding. he was really sweet and great about everything, and I said that i was feeling good about being in a relationship with him.

    But then, as things got closer, physically, between us, I got scared. He didn’t seem to be my “type,” and so one day, I just texted him that I couldn’t see him anymore (he’s not really a phone person – he has an accent). He said why, and I said I just couldn’t. But after that, I did feel kind of bad about it. He was putting a lot of effort into the relationship, and not just the sex part. In some ways, I just felt comfortable being around him, even though we seemed to disagree on some things.

    I thought about him a bit over the last couple of months, but didn’t really consider contacting him at all.

    So, I went to the same club this last weekend, where I met him. My friend had to leave early, and I wasn’t ready to go home, so I went back in alone. I was actually wandering around, looking for another guy who flirted with me earlier, when – it was like I was making a beeline for him without even knowing it. I simply decided all of a sudden that I needed to go to a particular part of the room, and there he was (RB). So I tapped him on the back, and he turned around, and immediately gave me a big hug. And it was odd, I felt kind of relieved that he was there. It was like I had been looking for him all along, but didn’t know it. We danced, and he had the hugest smile on his face. He told me also that he had been thinking about me, wanting to text me. He had even been at the club the previous month, hoping he would see me. In fact, he was there alone this time. i think he was actually there specifically to see if I would be there.

    And I was!

    So he invited me to his cricket match the next day. And I went and sat there – for the whole FOUR HOURS. lol. During this time, one of his friends came up and started talking about marriage, and how difficult it was sometimes with different families, and I felt so normal, and, well, Adult. I felt solid. And when he wasn’t playing, RB spent a lot of time with me, chatting, or just sitting there, not with the boys. He even kissed me before going out on the field. We had a really comfortable, easy time together.

    I felt confused later, at dinner, when he said he wasn’t ready for “the commitment” of marriage. we were talking about kids, as he’d been talking about that earlier, during the game. Suddenly, I felt like I was pressuring him, even though I wasn’t. but we were probably both tired and hungry. He actually wanted to take a trip with me this weekend, but I can’t go, because of a prior commitment. I texted him to let him know. I hope it wasn’t too lean-forward-y of me to do that.

    But I don’t feel too worried about it. He just feels so bonded to me, somehow. Like in a really natural, automatic way. Like he never really left. He’s not terribly expressive. but now that I’ve seen how happy he was, I feel like it is not necessary for him to say things or for me make any excuses or explanations.

    I don’t know. It definitely was not a “strategy” when I told him I couldn’t see him before, but it doesn’t seem to have been a “mistake,” either. In fact, it seems as if he has no interest in going anywhere at all. And I feel solid about it. Like I can trust it.

    It feels good.



  115.  #115Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 12:21 am

    Hey, Emerson. Yeah, I think think, maybe on some level, there is like an automatic evolutionary-type thing that some people go through – even though it’s totally irrelevant. One of my best friends right now just also turned 40, and I totally forget that she’s older than I am. She does not “look” old. And she’s also single, although I’m pretty sure she wishes she wasn’t. but anyway, it’s like they say, 40 is the new 30 (and pretty soon it will be, like, the new 20;)



  116.  #116Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 12:57 am

    Tmizz yaaay..40 is the new 30 indeed… 🙂

    Sirens, I’m feeling so so turned off looking at POF and all these headlines are the same: “seeking my sole mate” (he lost a shoe???) “looking for fun gal, no drama” , “fun guy looking for good hearted women”

    notice how the ‘WOMEN’ is plural…instead of woman…so are you looking for a lot of women or just one?? 😯

    sooo maaannnyyy ads say the same thing…dumb! and also the one that says “wookin pa nub” ummmm that’s been used about 5000 times before you, genius!

    Emerson is feeling very NOT impressed by men on POF right now. Its kinda depressing.

    haha oh i must laugh and roll my eyes 🙄



  117.  #117Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 12:59 am

    I’m feeling cocky and self conscious at the same time. I feel impatient with these men and their dumb headlines of “no drama” and “no games” and “you must be ambitious and be settled in your career”

    I want to tell them F YOU stupid jerk!



  118.  #118Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 1:03 am

    I think I need to try something different. Maybe I’ll start doing meetups for a while instead and meet actual people instead of staring at these idiotic headlines on a computer screen “great guy seeks great gal who is understanding, caring with no drama”
    Ok why don’t you get a hooker, that’s teh perfect description. You pay her, she is understanding, she has sex with you, she is caring, there is no drama you pay her and leave. presto! you got it buddy.



  119.  #119Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 1:15 am

    Thank you sirens for letting me vent. 🙄

    Been feeling a bit negative.



  120.  #120Corin on August 23, 2011 at 1:36 am

    Just got into the most random conversation on incest with a guy on match. How did i get here????



  121.  #121Corin on August 23, 2011 at 1:39 am

    My vibe is waaaay off. Gonna walk to work ( sans bicycle) and hope that things shift once my ex collects his stuff tonight. Maybe he cursed his things and once they’ve gone, a full aura of love and goodies will appear.



  122.  #122Jupiter2 on August 23, 2011 at 3:49 am

    I am feeling EXCITED.
    My life is turning over a new leaf.
    Tomorrow is last day in my job.
    Then I leave my apartment.
    Then i leave my country on a wonderful holiday trip.

    Thank you beautiful Siren (you know who you are!)
    for arranging further contact in your country.

    I’m so excited!!!

    Doc man is still hovering and wanting to “keep in touch”..fine..but i am open to a truly available man.

    I am absolutely open to loving ME!!!

    What riches have flowed from this site..THANK YOU RORI.



  123.  #123Daria on August 23, 2011 at 4:13 am

    ok so my dream

    i was supposed to meet this cd from pof…

    but i was at my old highschool
    and couldn’t get a hold of him except through a computer

    then the computer just frustratingly wouldn’t type teh log in for what i needd to text him!

    ugh

    and then some girl next to me’s keyboard was connected to same comp so we were writing over each other until both of us figured it out

    oh yeah omg and i just remembered

    i also had sex with a girl… well not exactly…

    there was a group of us in a room and for some reason i was giving this girl an orgasm using my hand

    then i didnt want it done to me i said i only flet comfortable doing that

    she was not like super into it but I was doing it for some kinda purpose like i wanted to show the boys or something

    wow that feels kinda embarssing to write lol but it sure sounded a bit like the “old” me

    haha

    thanks dream i love you



  124.  #124Daria on August 23, 2011 at 4:26 am

    Emerson – wow big hugs!

    you sound like you are feeling really triggered.. yay to you for sharing out taht here

    can you make a GENTLE shift from judging these men to… “i feel overwhelmed by my nv’s and i love my nv’s”

    and then to appreciate the men who are writing you, like yay a man who writes me = a man who’s complimenting me by showing interest in me

    thank you man! (whoever he may be)



  125.  #125Daria on August 23, 2011 at 4:38 am

    I super recommend to myself and others this Donna Eden 5 minute energizer for when my energy feels depressed stuck and slumped

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vr-FEoY440g

    omg right now i can tell in some ways i was in homolateral (my energies not crossing) and also my crown wants to be opened – love you crown!

    will do this while pausing my project runway show hehe



  126.  #126Butterfly Wings on August 23, 2011 at 4:42 am

    77: Ariadne

    Targeting Mr Right is definitely the one you want – not Modern Siren, if you need flirting advice!
    ___

    Emerson, I also have the issue with age. I am almost 40 and am constantly hit on by guys in their 20’s who think I’m in my early 30’s! I’ve even had a couple in their teens! But even after I’ve informed them that I’m old enough to be their mother, I get “Yeah but you’re hot, so it doesn’t matter!”. Rofl

    Oh well, it’s entertaining at least! 😀

    I also find many of the older guys to be REALLY old, even if they’re in their early 40’s, so I think I’ll stick with TH who’s 9 years younger! 😉

    Hey, with regard to your CD, without actually asking him what the look on his face meant, do you think that maybe you’re making up a “story” about what he’s thinking and that you may have misinterpreted what it meant, if anything?

    Could it be that your NV’s are causing you to look for any “clue” to prove that those voices are right?

    I suppose this is just me thinking about when you’re feeling negative, you will find yourself in a situation where things you’re not happy about will happen.

    But if you’re feeling positive, you could be in the EXACT same situation, but you see the experience as only a good one.

    Nothing’s changed except your perception of it, and that perception is based on your mindset at the time.

    Well that’s just me thinking aloud, but I’m wondering if that’s what could be making the CD experience for some people a load of fun for some (take Mel’s experiences lately as a perfect example of someone who seems to be having a fabulous time!), where others are finding CDing to be a bad experience.

    What do you all think? 🙂



  127.  #127Daria on August 23, 2011 at 4:42 am

    I am telling men… including hawkman who i talked to last nite

    much more freely now

    i want to move out and live somewhere… for Free!

    and they are pretty much offering me to move in!
    haha

    or to figure something out

    well duh i now see it as they have to or else ill move in with some other guy hahaha

    it just feels so fun to know i can say i want to do it for free and not feel shame

    yay for healing

    i feel so excited

    and its cuz im not actually trying to move in with “them” im just wanting That!

    so they want to fit in the picture

    actually i feel scared to move in with a man because…

    well

    i don’t want to feel overcommitted, and i want to Date

    but it might feel fun for a short while … im looking for help!

    if anyone in new york wants to move me in… i cook clean… and wash dishes!

    and i dance in the mirror and am an excellent coach!

    hehehe



  128.  #128Daria on August 23, 2011 at 4:45 am

    Ariadne – i feel a lil uncomfortable to say something different than Butterfly Wings…

    for me Modern Siren really teaches the mentality of being in feminine energy

    some of the mantras… like ‘I am the air you need to breathe’ are Magic Spells amazing

    Targeting Mr Right is like the nuts and bolts of circular dating….

    personally i woudl want Modern Siren first, to know all the “inner work” stuff to use while dating



  129.  #129Butterfly Wings on August 23, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Ok, it’s been a week since I was last here, so it’s taken me days to read through the posts in between work, my girls, TH, attending an event with Dr John Demartini, and other fun stuff!

    I had a load of fun at the races with TH and his friends and my dress was PERFECTO!!! He is a man of a few words, and I received more than one compliment about my choice! I love it!

    Of course he paid for everything that day, and we all went to dinner after and he paid again. He won $250 that day too. I lost $70. I totally suck when it comes to gambling!

    Hmm… what else…? Oh, my house sale is moving along nicely and we’ve found somewhere else to live, but can’t sign the lease till this house contract goes unconditional. So until that happens, I have nowhere “offical” to live. In the meantime (because I’m temporarily strapped for cash), TH has lent me all of my bond money and two weeks rent!

    And tonight he offered to lend me more if I needed it.

    I have insisted that I will pay back every cent, and he is insisting that I pay my credit card off before I start paying him because I don’t have to pay him interest.

    I’m still feeling very uncomfortable about accepting his help, but so unbelievably grateful too. I really don’t know what I would have done without him!

    I’m feeling very happy and grateful right now, although still a little on edge about the house. I’m confident it will all go ok, but until I’m officially told we’re right to go, I’m not signing anything, nor am I packing!

    I can see it now…. we’ll be notified on Friday that we can move, and I’ll end up moving on Saturday! Story of my life..! I work best under pressure! 😛

    Oh funny story! TH makes a mean spaghetti sauce. I mean, it’s AMAZING! Anyway, yesterday my daughter asked if we could have it for dinner, but I said we’d have it tonight instead and I’d ask TH for a list of ingredients.

    So I texted him asking for the list of ingredients and he refused to give them to me, and I kept begging him to give them to me, telling him how he wasn’t hurting me – he was hurting my poor, starving 13 year old! hehe!

    Anyway, I now know why he refused to give me the list – he wanted to cook it for us! 😀

    So he’s here now and we’re all feeling very full and satisfied! Sigh…… Feeling very happy and content right now……!



  130.  #130Jupiter2 on August 23, 2011 at 5:00 am

    Daria I am enjoying you lately!



  131.  #131Butterfly Wings on August 23, 2011 at 5:20 am

    128 Daria – I agree with you Daria. I have TMR as well as modern siren and I bought Modern siren first and am glad I did.

    I think that because it mentally “prepared” me before I was ready to get out there and CD, which is when I bought TMR which took things to another level!

    I was only referring to the flirting advice, which is what Ariadne had asked about, and somebody had said it was in modern siren when it’s actually in TMR. Not sure if it’s in the others though because I’m yet to purchase those. 🙂



  132.  #132Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 5:57 am

    Starla,

    RE: #100 – About giving up your sofa, I used to date a man who had cushions around his living room floor. He said he likes it Japanese style.

    We sat there eating Chinese take-out and watching a movie. It soon became apparent to me his REAL reason for having seating on the floor…

    It was a natural segway into sex! LOL! He tried to get things going right there on the floor! He didn’t score, but I’ll give him one for creativity! 😆



  133.  #133Daria on August 23, 2011 at 6:11 am

    Thanks Jupiter! weee!!!

    i love your name Jupiter!! freakin awesome and sexy

    i love the idea of a female Jupiter

    omg how magnificent … wat wat!!

    Stormy Orange Humongo Lava Flowying Power of L?OVE



  134.  #134Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 6:18 am

    Emerson,

    RE: #103 – On age, I liked it when R, who is 15 years younger than me, said, “I’m going to forget how old I am. When people ask me how old I am, I’m going to say, ‘I forget'”.

    He also said, “I believe a woman who is well-loved will remain youthful well into her older years.”



  135.  #135Butterfly Wings on August 23, 2011 at 6:27 am

    I’m sure there’s a full moon out tonight… lol

    Tonight, just in the last few hours, I’ve had three guys contact me who I’ve not really heard from in a while! Two I’ve dated twice each and many months ago, and one I’ve never dated, but he sooo wants to! lol

    One of them knows about TH, although the other two have no clue but have kind of drifted away cos I’m always so busy. It’s worked for me because I just didn’t want to deal with the complications of several men when I’m exclusive with TH.

    Anyway, one of them is actually really really lovely, and if I get the house I want, we’ll literally be living five minutes from each other! If TH and I ever go our separate ways, that could come in very handy! 😉

    Funny how all of a sudden they’ve all contacted me tonight… weird…!



  136.  #136Daria on August 23, 2011 at 6:44 am

    thank you daria for doing EFT for me

    thank you for brushign my teeth with natural Active clay and plant toothpaste

    hehe

    thank yu for opening my balcony door for air

    thank you for feeidng my breakfast

    thanjk you for showing me inspiring project runway shows

    thank you for doing energy energizer for me

    thank you for getting and drinking spring water for me

    thank you for asking for help to get a place with hot water to shower

    yayyy



  137.  #137Daria on August 23, 2011 at 6:45 am

    thank you for asking mom to go to the beach and mud place tomorrow with me



  138.  #138Daria on August 23, 2011 at 6:46 am

    Butterfly Wings – no its not lol its a waning moon … im thinkin going towards crescent



  139.  #139Daria on August 23, 2011 at 6:51 am

    i want to make/ have some bone earrings with the stick in the ear actually being bone or some other cool natural handmade material

    like
    these

    yum

    http://www.shopbeachcombers.com/StoreFrontProfiles/DeluxeSFItemDetail.aspx?sid=1&sfid=39600&c=951191&i=258072258



  140.  #140Butterfly Wings on August 23, 2011 at 6:53 am

    Well there’s certainly something weird going on Daria, cos I’ve not instigated any contact with these guys and out of the blue they’ve contacted me all on the same night!

    Usually funny stuff happens around a full moon. But waning moon it is! 🙂



  141.  #141Wildflower on August 23, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Sirens do you have any thoughts on this…

    I’ve been visiting my family for a couple of months and will be headed home soon. (I live on a different continent).

    I’ve been dating a man here for a little over a month. We see one another about once per week. He has asked me questions about my life, my job and has mentioned possibly getting a time share in the country I live in. He asks me if I’ve told my family about him. He says he’s told his friends about me. We’ve never discussed what it will be like once I actually leave.

    At this point it’s an imaginary relationship. I get that. I’ve continued to CD the entire time and will continue to do so.

    I still feel so sad to leave him.

    It’s like I want to “know where I stand” before I leave so I can make the mental transition. That feels needy and desperate though.

    I’m such a quiet person by nature. Am I being too passive by waiting for him to initiate the discussion?



  142.  #142Wildflower on August 23, 2011 at 7:13 am

    By discussion I mean the “is this going anywhere” discussion…or something along those lines



  143.  #143Wildflower on August 23, 2011 at 7:16 am

    Or is it too leaning forward to just tell him, “I feel so sad leaving you.”

    But it’s not just that. I feel disappointed he has not expressed he wants more but I obviously can’t change that. He either wants more or he doesn’t.



  144.  #144Wildflower on August 23, 2011 at 7:21 am

    I guess the issue is I don’t mind a LDR if it is moving forward and we are working towards living together and being together. But if it feels stuck in a LDR with occasional visits then I don’t want that.

    But we’ve only been dating a month and barely know one another.

    I guess I just have to be patient and continue to date other men.



  145.  #145Wildflower on August 23, 2011 at 7:28 am

    Day two of my limeade cleanse. I forgot how difficult this feels at times. I read articles where people say how “good and energetic they feel during cleanse.” Right now I think those people are FULL OF CRAP and I want to punch them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel tired and irritated and blah.

    Sometimes I secretly wonder if this whole toxin/cleanse thing is a bunch of crap. Just like the nofat/lowfat diets of the 90s. That feels yucky and distrustful.

    Oh well. It is only five days and then on to the sugar detox. I’ll be trying the sugar detox with the supplements this time so I feel really curious if that will make a noticeable difference. That thought feels better.



  146.  #146Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 7:41 am

    RE 143 Wildflower him not expressing that, doesn’t necessarily mean that he does not want more. He needs time to really feel that in his body and to really miss you. Also would you prefer him saying it just because you want him to or if he realizes that for himself and express it?



  147.  #147Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 7:43 am

    RE 141 Have you expressed to him what you want in your life?



  148.  #148Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 7:51 am

    RE 116 I know what you mean Emerson. I just skip over the ones that say “women”.



  149.  #149Wildflower on August 23, 2011 at 7:57 am

    RE 147: I told him the first time we met that I want to get married. The last time we were out he was asking me where I would like to transfer to (my job allows for transfers) and I told him I’ve always felt intrigued by Japan but that it would feel nice to settle down instead of moving from country to country. I probably should have said something more specific but I didn’t really know what to say.

    Yes I definitely want him to initiate it. I just feel worried I’m somehow not being vulnerable enough. I just really want to be completely open and vulnerable and 100% me around him. Maybe that’s just my sense of urgency NV speaking. I don’t want to beat myself up.



  150.  #150Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Good morning sirens and thanks all for your replies and feedback…yes I was feeling very triggered and still kind of feel that way now. I woke up today with NVs telling me “its too late you’re never going to meet someone that’s right for you”
    “you blew it by being so indecisive in the past”
    Eww
    Be quiet NVs



  151.  #151Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 8:08 am

    I woke up thinking about recycledCD and how I wish things would work between us but I don’t know if it will. I have not talked to him since Friday.

    I know I am supposed to CD but I don’t feel like practicing the tools right now. I don’t feel like meeting guys who are not even remotely right for me.

    I feel curious why I am not attracting the right men for me. I know it’s the law of attraction and all that, but I just want some mercy and grace right now and send me someone who can at least inspire me a bit….



  152.  #152Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 8:40 am

    RE 149 Wildflower it could be that he is not clear on what exactly it is that you want.



  153.  #153Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 8:40 am

    From the previous thread…

    622: tinque says:
    Emerson – “ask for what I DO want, not what I DONT want….”

    Wasn’t me, for I would suggest that you DO make it clear what you don’t want, for continuously asking for what you do want comes across as demanding, and this can be a turn off.

    BUT the way you get what you want is to melt and let him know that you love it when he……whenever he does it. You remind him by saying, remember when…..that felt so amazing. I just loved that.

    Or you can say, it would feel so great to do…..with you.

    Make sense?

    xxoo

    *****************

    Tinque thanks for this reply!! I like what you said about melting and telling him it felt good when this or that…

    So asking for what we DO want is referring to asking God or the Universe or whatever a person “prays” to…we are supposed to say what we DO want..

    When communicating with a man we are supposed to say what we DON’T want, to avoid coming off as demanding…

    I can do this. 🙂



  154.  #154Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Emerson sorry to be judgemental but you seem to be contradicting yourself in 151 you do not want to circular date because you are resistant to meeting guys who are not right for you. Yet you want mercy and grace to be “sent” someone. I am wondering how that someone is going to be sent to you? I believe only you will know who is right for you by being able to identify who is not. Some things we just have to do for ourselves.



  155.  #155Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Sirens I need your feedback and advice…when I meeting a man on a dating website and he asks how long you’ve been on the site and asking me if I’ve actually met anyone in person, what do you think I should say in response?

    I honestly don’t want to discuss that. I want to say “I’ve been on the site a couple of months but I don’t feel comfortable discussing the particulars of my experience at this time”

    Is that too businessy and defensive???

    I wish he didnt ask me as it sounds like something a friend would ask and it ruins the vibe for me right away. I sort of chuck him into friend mode as if I’m discussing my dating experiences with a girlfriend. It feels “off”….
    Help….



  156.  #156Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 8:48 am

    154 FW it’s very possible I am contradicting myself I’m all over the map today.
    I’m feeling sorry for myself and wish that someone would be “sent” my way that is right for me, and feeling frustrated because I may not be in the best state of mind/heart right now and I feel angry and frustrated trying to shift it. I have a hard time shifting sometiems and I feel stuck….



  157.  #157Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 8:48 am

    154 FW I appreciate your candid feedback but I feel a bit defensive and hurt by your reply, it feels a bit harsh



  158.  #158Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 8:55 am

    RE 157 I am sure it does Emerson but sometimes we all need tough love to help us open our eyes. We remain stuck when people only tell us what we want to hear.



  159.  #159Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Regarding the dating sites I have not actually been asked that kind of specific question just suggestion that I might be leaning in a particular direction. Last time I used playful banter saying that I am not yet the “leaning tower of pisa” so I am not leaning in any direction. I would encourage you to keep in mind that these are strangers who have had their own bitter life experiences so don’t take anything personal. I believe you are also free to let them know you feel defensive being asked such a question. Or maybe ask if he is sure he wants to go there because the possibility exists that he could be there longer and if he wants to discuss that before getting your answer. In other words reflect back the question to him. Who says he get to ask that and you don’t?



  160.  #160Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 9:16 am

    OMG, Daria! You have the best dreams!!

    But now I’m all….way even confuseder. (Is that a word? it most definitely is not. but i’m using it anyway.)

    I am confused because, just after writing that big story, about the guy I ran into again (and who knows if it’s “relationship” at this point. It could be. but I haven’t Told him I’ve committed yet, so it’s not *that* solid. In my mind I’m just playing with the idea of not letting him go again – when we were at the club, he even joked about me letting go the right guy when I find him. hehe. I said, “Sometimes I’m very silly.”)…

    Well, now I wake up from a dream where I did, in fact have sex with a woman! I was in bed with a college friend – a woman I am not even friends with anymore, because we had a big falling out a couple of years ago. Except I had the opposite from Daria. In this dream, my friend was pleasuring me. But when I tried to pleasure her, I couldn’t do it. For one, I couldn’t logistically figure it out. And for two, I felt like there wasn’t time, or I wasn’t interested. hm….

    I’m not really analyzing this one. But it kind of shocks me. Makes me wonder.



  161.  #161Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 9:20 am

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2890/burned-by-coffee-or-burned-by-heartbreak-they-feel-the-same.html
    The truth is that painful feelings – even heartbreak – move through our bodies and are released far more quickly when we embrace them, than when we avoid them with our various addictions. In order for our feelings to flow through us, rather than get stuck in our muscles, causing further pain, they need to be attended to with compassion for ourselves – which means we need to embrace them with gentleness, tenderness, caring, kindness, and understanding. This is what allows our feelings to be fully felt, digested and released.



  162.  #162Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 9:23 am

    http://ctrhotspot.com/profile/ArielleFordHOST
    Last week I had the honor of interviewing Harville Hendrix on my radio show. Referred to by Oprah Winfrey as the Marriage Whisperer, Harville created Imago Relationship Therapy, a therapy for couples now practiced by over 2000 certified therapists in 30 countries. He is also the author of the New York Times bestseller Getting the Love You Want, which has sold over two million copies.

    He believes that we select our mates in order to heal the wounds of our childhood and that we are brought together in order to “co-heal” each other. I asked him what his definition of a healthy relationship is…this is what he shared:

    #1 – The primary hallmark of a healthy relationship is having the experience of emotional and physical safety with our partner. They are reliable and predictable and we don’t feel any fear or anxiety around them.

    #2 – We have an experience of deep connection with them.

    #3 – When you are with your partner you feel joyfully alive or relaxed into joyfulness.

    As you set your intentions around manifesting a soulmate, you may want to consciously decide that you will feel safe, deeply connected and joyfully alive with your beloved.

    To listen to the entire one hour interview (it’s free) Click Here!

    Wishing you love, laughter and magical kisses,

    Arielle



  163.  #164Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Speaking of sex with a woman… I was feeling triggered – or something – while reading through the previous thread where a lot of you were talking or joking about threesomes, etc.

    Well, somewhat recently, I had seen a CD who was into that. (he was one of my two-date CDs;) Actually, he said he was turned on by me seeing – and even sleeping with! – other guys. I found it intriguing to be with such an open-minded person, but I’m not sure I felt the same about him sleeping with other women. Actually, I am quite sure that the thought makes me uncomfortable. Even though there is nothing I can do about it. But when he was paying attention to me, you can bet I had his FULL attention;)

    Anyway, there was talk of having a threesome with another woman (my idea). He asked if I would consider a threesome with two men (his idea). I would do both, in fact. Heck, why not go for a foursome! haha. That is, assuming I am not in a committed relationship with someone else by then.

    I saw these potentially as adventures for me. Not as a lifestyle that I want to pursue. Ultimately, a man offering me a committed, exclusive relationship is going to do it for me WAY more than a thousand guys wanting to sleep with me at once.

    But at the same time, I feel kind of…sad and weird. I feel sad and weird, because even though my interactions with, let’s call him Vbar, were mostly positive, I think I might have accidentally “let him go.” We were chatting about something that we disagreed on, and I was getting triggered, trying to keep it together and not to get angry or blamey (but I might have a little). This guy was a MASTER – a master, I am telling you – at getting me to focus back on myself. I so appreciated his sense of self. It always made me self-aware, without feeling self-conscious. But anyway, I said to him at one point that he was “off the hook.” But I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to see him! I meant off the hook about something else – it was actually supposed to be a joke. But I don’t think I explained correctly when he asked for clarification. Oy. And so I haven’t really heard from him since then.

    I just feel sad and weird because, even though I know in my heart that we are not a good match, romantically or long-term, he was still so great at being there and helping me to encounter and expand and discover different parts of myself. I wanted more of that good stuff – him leaning in, taking my hand, and leading me somewhere new I’d never been before.

    Now I want to explain, but I don’t want to over-explain. I don’t want to ask him where he is or what he is doing. I just might never get to have those fun experiences that we’d talked about! Waah, waah, waah. boohoo hoo.;) haha. yes, okay. I realize what a whiney child I sound like.

    I guess I just get attached to ideas of something I might want to do. I hate the thought of not doing it once I’ve gotten excited about it, and even worse, the idea that I might have done something to push it away. Maybe wanting it too much? Hm..

    But all of these things were far outside of my comfort zone. I never would have considered them with someone else. He made me feel safe enough to even want to go there. Now I don’t even know how to compose a feeling message about it, or if I even want to, or if I should, because he is very male, he is very aggressive, in the sense that he likes to be the one to do the work and make the journey, etc. I don’t want to drop it in his lap and make it too easy for him.

    Any thoughts about what to do about this? Tell him how I am feeling? Or maybe just let it go and concentrate on the men right in front of me?

    what do you Sirens think?



  164.  #165Luzydel on August 23, 2011 at 9:39 am

    I am expering that these tools do not work with all kinds of men…or do they only work with men who are into me to begin with? My cd from sat. Is responding to my vulnerability. Other men are just showing their true colors (eg. They just want to get laid) I have another date with this guy, again he set up the date, and we are going for a night of pizza and hang out today… to think that he wasn’t “my type” and now he is filling the blank spaces of my time…



  165.  #166Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 10:23 am

    Okay, I had a realization this morning about a hang-up I have with “feeling messages.”

    I’ve been thinking all along that the problem is that I can’t/don’t “feel” my feelings properly. Or that I’m not used to it. I stuff them down. I ignore them. I don’t know how to name them or talk about them. I am embarrassed to have them to begin with.

    All of this is true! And I’m working on it.

    But there is even more than that…

    I realized that, despite the fact that the goal of FMs is to state our feeling state WITHOUT a goal in mind – so to be the opposite of control – my actual experience of “feeling” messages is quite different.

    It is/was my mother’s MO to use her “feelings” AS an actual means of control – on me. On all of us. If she says that she “feels” something, it is inherently bound up with some time of expectation, or a subtle or not-so-subtle imperative as to what exactly it is that I am supposed to do to relieve her of her terrible feeling state, which is, clearly, all my fault.

    So what do I have to work with? Basically, her feelings are my fault, and it’s up to me to fix them. My feelings are wrong and I don’t have any. And if someone else expresses a feeling to me, then they must want something. Also, if I express a feeling, then *I* must want something.

    I’ve noticed that I have this added layer of discomfort whenever I am trying to express a “feeling message,” because even though I am consciously not attempting to have any sort of control or expectation of outcome, my subconscious is going crazy and either wants to expect something, or is berating me for being so controlling and manipulative (as in, my subconscious sees an expression of feeling as an act of manipulation in itself, because THAT IS MY EXPERIENCE).

    It is such a foreign concept to me, even the idea of expressing a feeling and NOT having any type of idea or expectation attached to that. I feel self-conscious and controlling WHEN I am expressing my feelings, even though I don’t want to.

    This makes me sad 🙁 I wish I could just have feelings and to know that they are okay. Even now, as an adult, I cannot express feelings to my mother and have them be accepted. It is so painful and hurtful to me. I just want to hug myself and tell myself it’s okay, but it still hurts. I still want to know what my feelings feel like, and I want to know they’re okay. And I want to know that I can express a feeling, and it doesn’t mean that I am “needy” or that I am a bother or that I’m making trouble. Boo.

    Bad mom-in-my-head. You are my NV. I want you to go away. In fact, why don’t you go eat a cookie.



  166.  #167Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 10:24 am

    some *type of expectation



  167.  #168Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 10:26 am

    So I am afraid. I am afraid to say how I feel, because I am afraid that I will be “controlling”



  168.  #169Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Hugs to you ((tmizz))



  169.  #170Starla on August 23, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Feeling all churned up inside…my mom lives at the epicenter of last night’s earthquake, and our relationship is very strained and non-existent, and just thinking about if her house got trashed, shouldn’t I go down there to help her clean up? But she pathologically lied to me and abandoned me.

    Sigh.



  170.  #171Daria on August 23, 2011 at 11:20 am

    Tmizz – hugs! keep practicing

    I at first found that i thought im being controlling or manipulative by expressing how i feel also.

    but that has changed over time



  171.  #172Daria on August 23, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Luzydel – the tools work to attract men, and to ‘weed out’ the men who can’t do the job



  172.  #173Daria on August 23, 2011 at 11:22 am

    those who can’t do the job will still be attracted, but won’t step up…



  173.  #174Starla on August 23, 2011 at 11:26 am

    Wow, now there’s been a quake that hit all the rest of my family on the east coast. so weird. two in two days.



  174.  #175Daria on August 23, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Emerson – i found that when i was looking for someone to be ‘sent’ for me what was going on deeper inside was that i was looking for love from… Myself.

    Have you checked out innerbonding.com?

    awesome complement to Rori

    also about teh question…

    share your feelings

    “wow i feel kinda uncomfortable being asked that… i don’t really feel good talking about my dating life with a man… ”

    or “wow i feel embarassed to say this… but actually i feel bad being asked that… it kinda feels like a turn off and i don’t want to discuss it… what do you think?”

    always remember that in the feminine you are NOT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS DIRECTLY in a business way like a man

    first pause… check how you feel… and share THAT in a poetic flowy way… and if it seems kinda off topic, or doesn’t answer the question … great!

    you want to get away from answering questions directly!

    even when i want to answer i say first

    “oh it feels so good being asked that!”

    I am the one who is all romantic, soft and feelingy… and NO, HE WON”T COMMUNICATE THAT WAY…

    but I WILL! because im the emotional partner and that’s waht makes us different and attractive



  175.  #176Daria on August 23, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Wow Starla, sorry to hear that



  176.  #177Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 11:33 am

    175 Daria thank you it was helpful to read this 🙂



  177.  #178Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 11:55 am

    I was sitting in my car in the shade when my car started to shake. It felt like someone was shaking it or a heavy gust of wind was shaking it. I kept looking all around, and no one was near my car.

    A few minutes later, a woman came out of her house with a dog, asking me if I felt it. She was really scared. A man across the street verified that he felt it, too.



  178.  #179Daria on August 23, 2011 at 11:57 am

    oh i feel all sad

    i just snapped at my mom!

    she came in and started “warning” me in a pleady voice

    when i told her my girlfriend was coming to pick me up

    oh hh where areyou going be careful peaople are really crazy (maybe she had just seen the news which can be sensationalist ) where are you goin
    a
    nd im like i dont know

    i DONT KNOW!!

    i DONT KNOW MOM!!!

    in an annoyed voice

    ooops

    and i just caught myself doing that

    instad i can… pause and say

    wow… ma simt suparata sa fiu advertizata ce sa fac… nu-mi place sa mi-se vorbeasca in felul asta

    i feel all sinky because ugh i feel so triggered and rageful

    i just want to shakeher

    and im remembering all the times that shes’ like
    oh its my duty to say that

    and all the other times people have said oh parents are just like that

    like its totally hopeless that parenst would actually have respectful communication

    and no its not because ive seen it !

    mhm big hugs to me

    and that would translate to

    wow i feel upset beign warned… i don’t like being talked to like that

    maybe i can say wow i feel so upset being talked to like that … i feel like im being treated like a child and taht feels bad.. i dont’ feel good being talked to that way

    and maybe once i can gt that communication to come out of me naturally i can also share my compassion for what she seems to feel – fear

    i love me

    I WANT TO DO THIS SO MUCH

    i CAN DO IT!!



  179.  #180Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 11:57 am

    178 Esteemed…is everything ok??



  180.  #181Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Daria says:
    “always remember that in the feminine you are NOT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS DIRECTLY in a business way like a man”

    this feels very freeing to me…because I have felt akward answering a man’s questions and inquiries…but felt I “should” because he’s acting interested…

    Daria sorry about your exchange with your Mom. I have trouble with my Mom too…she is codependent and a worry wart and it feels hovery and bad and sometimes I snap at her too and my Dad gets upset with me and then I feel REALLY bad….but I don’t want to beat myself up and talk to myself harshly…I can soften and take a breath before I speak out next time…



  181.  #182alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    #100 starla i feel excited by you getting a sofa. they really aren’t that expensive. with all the hand me down sofas i have bought i could have been having a NICE BEAUTIFUL SOFA for the same $.

    i feel like jumping up to hear you getting a sofa. because that feels like me getting a sofa is close by too. it’s possible and will happen. 🙂



  182.  #183Queenbee on August 23, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    OMG Piano tuning was such a breath of fresh air. I feel so excited. It was actually a complete overhaul so we’ve started out fixing the sounding board. Loving it so much! It felt so natural and such a great complement to me achieving my full-self expression.

    Mr. Unavailable was fun too… maybe a bit too much. He came and picked me from my house…. The day went really well. I met his wife and children. The kids were such sweeties and his wife lovely.

    When his wife left he picked me up… in the ‘over the threshold position’… I didn’t resist but asked him where he was going to put me and he says on the nails sticking out the piano, lol.

    That’s definitely a bit much. But anyway, moving through spaces will heal whatever these feelings are or just transform them into something else.

    Anyway, it was good. He expressed his fondness for me freely and it feels okay. I don’t feel overwhelmed or out of control or anything. I believe in the evolution of whatever this is.

    It feels good to keep noticing/ reminding myself of why we are not compatible etc. Then I can just let the feelings flow through me.

    So this weekend I have a cool concert to go to on Friday night. Then Saturday, my galfriend and I are going to some kinda party that’s supposed to be the slick yummy kind.

    I look forward to practicing and meeting new and more men as I allow my feelings/ experience of Mr. Unavailable to move on and out.

    xoxo



  183.  #184Starla on August 23, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    the sofa i want will be 900+ with tax and delivery. And I don’t feel weird about it.

    Though I have NV’s saying I should save that money for a payment on a car or something.

    But my relationship with money is changing. There is sooo much neverending money everywhere.



  184.  #185Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    Emerson,

    RE: #180 – Yes, it was just tremors. The core of the earthquake is in Virginia.



  185.  #186Starla on August 23, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Alias girl, do you think it’s better to focus on the new sofa, or the money to buy it?

    which manifests better?

    I wonder.



  186.  #187Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Daria yes I just started reading the inner bonding website and it’s interesting…I am finding it helpful.



  187.  #188Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    I’m trying to get a loan for my security deposit and first month’s rent. Everything went haywire with my account in June, when unemployment was delayed by 3 weeks. I’ve been dipping into the negative ever since, causing hundreds of dollars worth of bounce fees. I can’t seem to stay in the positive. Which leaves me miles away from actually saving for an apartment. And I have to be out of here by the end of the month.

    As it appears now, I will be living in my car again. Also, I am trying to find a place for my Mom and me. She is in a wheelchair and on oxygen. She’s been in a nursing home for the last 1.5 years, and she hates it there. They are so controlling, and she feels like her real needs are neglected. So we’ve agreed to live together. I think family needs family.

    Not quite sure how I’m going to pull all this off.



  188.  #189Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Featured Topic: No Conflict = No Intimacy
    Every woman wants a passionate relationship. She wants the man of their dreams to think of her constantly and find her so captivating that he’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy. I’m not discouraging this dream, but I often ask women how badly they want such a
    relationship.

    When they tell me that they have never wanted anything so badly, then I know they are ready to here this: If you really want a relationship that is intimate, then there’s a secret that most “experts” won’t tell you about. I will. The missing ingredient that most
    couples never realize is that…

    Conflict is a important part of a passionate relationship.

    Does this surprise you or leave you in a state of disbelief? I’m not talking about violence or abuse, don’t get me wrong. Anger is a feeling. It’s what happens when your heart (your emotions) feels that someone is hurting you, whether they intend to or not.

    This is different from “having a temper.” If someone has a temper, they overreact when they are angry. An example of this would be a man who hits a woman and says he does so simply because he is angry. This is just plain wrong.

    Whether you’re dating a wonderful man or you’re married to your soul mate, your relationship will become even more fulfilling when you both feel safe enough to express your anger without them hurting you in return.

    How could your partner hurt you? He could leave you. He could embarrass you in public or ignore you for days. It’s great and wonderful to have a man who thinks you’re beautiful. However, what I want for you is a man who won’t punish you when you’re not at your best. When he does something that upsets you and you are willing to confront him on it, he’ll
    talk the issue out with you.

    When you experience the freedom of knowing that you don’t have to be perfect for a man to love you, something inside of you will begin to feel safe and secure. Even though he’s promised you that he loves you no matter what, it’s what he does in the heat of the moment and after) that really matters. If he truly loves and cares for you, he’ll still want to be with you even when you’re angry with him.

    There’s one little catch. You have to be willing to express your anger and allow him to express his to you. I won’t lie and tell you that it’s easy. It’s uncomfortable and scary at times. In fact, if you do it correctly it will most likely make you fearful, but I
    promise it’s worth it.

    It may seem like common sense that a good relationship will be without conflict and fighting. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Women who understand that there can be no intimacy without anger realize that avoiding conflict is the fastest way to make a relationship boring.

    Picture yourself in a relationship where you will go to all lengths to make things smooth and trouble-free. You start avoiding certain topics and situations because you don’t want to risk a fight. You feel that you can’t tell him what’s on your heart. You’re not fighting, but the relationship begins a slow death. Your beliefs, feelings, and passions are all bottled up inside and this doesn’t do anything to promote happiness and well-being.

    Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you can have the relationship you want.

    Getting the right guy is only one part of the equation. You have to be willing to be vulnerable with a man in order to keep the passion alive. The most vulnerable thing for most women is to share with your man when you’re upset in a safe and respectful manner.

    Believe it or not, he’ll bond with you through conflict just as much as he will during romantic outings and adventures. If you can trust your partner openly and fully, you’ll be happier than you ever imagined possible and your relationship will be far from boring.

    Sponsor: From Flirting to Forever

    Bob Grant?



  189.  #190Plum on August 23, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    To watch on line the movie “The proposal”
    http://www.megavideomovies.net/2009/10/watch-proposal-2009-movie-online.html

    When you click on the movie, a survey page might pop up. Don’t do the survey. Close the survey page and click on the movie again, it will start.
    After 75 minutes, the movie might stop. It might say “wait 30 minutes if you want to see more for free or register”.
    I opted to wait.
    I clicked on the movie again 30 minutes later, and I watched the missing last 15 minutes.

    xxx



  190.  #191Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Thank you, Emerson. Thank you, Daria. 🙂



  191.  #192tinque on August 23, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    “Living together without marriage) just leaves you with an attitude of “I can leave” ”

    This is possible, but SO not necessarily so. I’m living proof of this, and I know many more couples like us.

    If anything we feel more committed to each other an loyal because no one or nothing told us we “had to”.

    xxoo



  192.  #193Ladybug on August 23, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    What a beautiful article Rori wrote!

    My Hayseed whom I love dearly committed 2 goofy foibles 2 weeks in a row and is so darn thankful I’m not angry at at him! The love and trust between us is growing. The emotional intimacy is opening and he’s sharing his heart and inner self with me.

    I’ve been very skitterish with this man because of my own past hurts and the crazy I lived with before. It’s taken 7 months for this man and I to show each other our vulnerablilities and completely trust each other.

    We are making the glue and we’re getting stuck on each other.

    I am still CDing. I even went to a big outdoor party his hired hands attended. They can report back I am indeed a lot of fun, behave very appropriately in spite of a ton of out of town men trying to pick me up and I stayed at the fire until 5 am alcohol and drug free while enjoying the company of friends, neighbors and strangers.

    I don’t want to date other men in a romantic way anymore, though I will as the opportunity arises. Only the ones who look very promising. I don’t have time for slugs, babies and assclown.



  193.  #194Daria on August 23, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    im making a profile on a romanian dating site! yay!

    i got some pictures up and will do some writing soon!

    weeee



  194.  #195Susan on August 23, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    RE: 192: tinque

    I agree. Marriage has its own important role in our society, but it isn’t right for everyone. I am willing to risk my heart fully but not my finances. I’m too old to recover financially for a third time.



  195.  #196tinque on August 23, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Emerson – #150 something, yep…

    xxoo



  196.  #197Daria on August 23, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    omg this guy wants to talk on the phone
    i feel FREAKED OUT EMBARASSED

    wow

    i feel like a total newbie

    aaaaah

    goooo meeeee



  197.  #198tinque on August 23, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    “the tools work to attract men, and to ‘weed out’ the men who can’t do the job”

    YES!!!

    xxoo



  198.  #199Donna on August 23, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Hi! I’ve just discovered and downloaded Rori’s Have the relationship you want ebook. I’ve read through it quickly, and am reading through it again more slowly now. I was wondering if anyone can tell me how I can email Rori? I’ve looked everywhere for an email address that doesn’t involve FAQs but can’t find one. I can comment on this blog but I hate to post a comment about something that has nothing to do with the blog post…Help? Thanks!



  199.  #200Ulii on August 23, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    RE 86 FEMININEWOMAN

    Thanks for reminding me that I do deserve all those good things!
    Sorry for my late response, but being in another continent makes that I can check the posts with quite big delay.

    RE 166 TMizz
    I really feel so much the same using feeling messages. Really difficult. Even the experience with my mother is so similar, her manipulating with her feelings everyone around her and being the only-one actually allowed to have and express her feelings in our family.

    And other thing that bothers me, is to find synonyms to the word “feel” and “feeling”, as it seems so strange to repeat that one same word all the time, especially in writing, but also speaking. I feel awkward doing it.



  200.  #201alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    #186 starla

    from what i’ve learned and experienced my best bet is to GET HAPPY and focus on that. 🙂 Focus on feeling good or at the very least, focus on feeling RELIEF from other kinds of feelings and moving up the emotional scale (abraham tool.)

    the universe already knows your/my dream couch. it is right there, lined up for you/me.

    what do you think?

    🙂



  201.  #202alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    my best sofa i have found for me for now is $599 plus tax, plus delivery. It is SO cute. I think. It’s not avail in stores though so i feel a little worried about that. but i found one similar and I LOVED IT. LOVE IT!

    i love the white but i think i would go with the slate and get a white throw for it or something.

    i can’t keep a white sofa white. who am i kidding? i’m neat and clean but basically i would have to not sit on it or use it.

    YAE FOR NEW SOFAAAAAAA’S!!!



  202.  #203alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    i made lentil and rice soup and it came out Pefect. except it has no taste. recipe called for chicken broth and i used water because i am a vegetarian.

    i feel so close. so close to being a great cook.



  203.  #204Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I’ve heard that dreams about sex – while they can definitely indicate some type of desire – can often signify a yearning to connect. So, for example, if you dream about sleeping with your brother, it might mean that you feel you want to connect with him more closely, not necessarily that you are incestuous. Or if you don’t have a brother, it could be a part of yourself that you want to bond with. If it’s a woman, maybe the desire to bond with your femininity. The subconscious is very symbolic like that. Just my two cents on that for Daria and anyone else who wants it 😉



  204.  #205Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Donna,

    RE: #199 – You can email her at melanie@coachrori.com. That is her assistant.



  205.  #206Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Alias Girl,

    Re; #203 – You can get vegetable boullion.



  206.  #207Daria on August 23, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    i talked to a romanian guy except he’s turkish

    and i felt bad cuz he made some kinda sorta racist joke which is pretty common but i guess i can speak up on it… if it happens again and i feel bothered

    anyways he’s a musician and he wants to meet me tomorrow

    and he was very stepupish about asking for my number and also about meeting

    and now im chatting with anotehr one

    and i also online talked to a guy from california my area who seems a lot older than me (i think hes from pof) and who i was judging at frist until i was able to shift myself

    and he buys fixes and sells cars an activity which i LOVE and i might be his asistant hehe



  207.  #208alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    someone took my chair from the curb. i feel surprised and relieved.



  208.  #209alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    #205 esteemed. thank you. i will look into that!



  209.  #210Daria on August 23, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    my girlfriends were teasing me about meeting guys here and kinda like not bleieving it

    this will feel so awesome to have dates here woohoo



  210.  #211Daria on August 23, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Uli – don’t find synonims

    yes it feels uncomfortable… that’s part of it…

    it will take practice and time for it to feel natural

    but it will take you to a place where you feel comfortable expressing how you feel… all the time…



  211.  #212Daria on August 23, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Donna – comments here do not have to be on topic



  212.  #213Mel on August 23, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Hmmm…

    I’m feeling a little annoyed by internet dating. I’m feeling some mixed emotions come up.

    I like the feeling of many different people expressing interest. It makes me feel desirable and appreciated. But today I realized (funny that I didn’t think of it before) that this is equally true for the guys. They are also getting contacted by many different women and are likely dating more than one.

    This feels bad. I don’t want to be competing against other women. I don’t want to be compared to anyone else. Hypocritical, I know! LOL. Today when I logged on to respond to an email that was sent to me, I noticed that one of my CD’s was “online now.” This felt yucky. Then my NV’s said “he must not like you very much or he wouldn’t be looking for other women…” This is so hypocritical of me because I was ONLINE looking at OTHER MEN! Now I feel ridiculous!

    I love that I’m ridiculous!

    So what does this mean for me? I guess I don’t like the whole meat market feel. I don’t like that as good as I might be, the whole concept of the site encourages men to keep looking for someone better.

    Like… even though I had a great time with this girl… Look! Someone new just emailed me!

    What do you ladies think?



  213.  #214Daria on August 23, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    i am Romanian online dating!! wooo freaking hooo!!

    i giggled liek crazy at first

    and… it’s putting me face to face with old ways of thinking and triggers

    ohhh sooo healing and awesome yes yes yes



  214.  #215Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    hm, so, nobody has weighed in on my comment #164. And I know, I know. I’m awful at taking advice. Usually people tell me stuff and then I just do whatever I want – for better or for worse. But I’m really curious to hear what you ladies have to say.

    So far, I am leaning toward Not Contacting him. But I’m also really curious to see if he’ll contact me at all.

    I guess I can’t be curious if I’m contacting him, right?

    and I also just wrote out a rather long letter, which is a sort of “Letter I Won’t Send” type of thing. Only it reads like a list of grievances, until you get to the very end. No guy likes a message like that, right?

    I just want to be HONEST! I want to say how I feel! The real grievance is that I think I wasn’t able to say how I really felt in the moment on a couple of occasions. So it’s not him I am upset with, it’s me. I want to “set the record straight.” Even though he probably doesn’t care. I’d probably just be drawing attention to things he’s forgotten about. Hm. Yeah. I guess I shouldn’t say anything after all.

    But there is sort of a feeling there. it’s like “I want to continue to be connected with you, in whatever way that looks like. I don’t have an agenda, and I don’t have a picture in my mind. I’m just curious.”

    But at the same time, now there is RoBoat, who has reappeared. So if RB steps up, then I would choose to be with him, because what I really want is the monogamous relationship. Unless there is someone better for me.

    Oh, girls, this is so hard. I love it 🙂

    (That’s what she* said!!!!)

    *I 😉



  215.  #216Tmizz on August 23, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    Ulii – Yes. Well, at least we know we are not alone! 🙂



  216.  #217DE on August 23, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Tmizz # 215 #164:

    Well, my threesomes were indeed an adventure too…And yes, in my dreams, I imagine not 2 men but four men pleasing me…lol Talk about greedy fantasy…:)

    My experience with people open about their sexuality…was that they were sooo inspiring to me…i could talk about anything…and i would feel accepted…

    Your last post I think is referring to writing a letter to this man who challenged you with his sexual proposals…am i right?

    It appears that you miss him and appreciate him at face value, yet there is no prospective in your mind about a future together…okay, i feel a bit unsure …i may not have understood the posts or missed some in between…so, please correct me…

    With men I have a friendship bond with …I often pick up the phone and/or txt out of the blue “i thought of u…”…it is true, honest…and is not asking anything…of them…i don’t have an expectation they respond since with some, I am not giving them what they want and viceversa…yet, i appreciate them…

    So, how would you feel reaching out and just stating u truth…”i thought of u…”?

    Warm hugs,



  217.  #218Daria on August 23, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    Mel – Rori teaches us that guys are differnt

    they actually ZERO IN on a woman they like
    and while they may be flattered and entertain other women temporaririly

    they actually PURSUE the one they want

    and they know right away – they feel strongly attracted – that they want a woman

    so as a woman, you’re a magnet! There IS no competition, because the guys who show up for you and pursue you… guy who’s into you, will be magically drawn to you… because … he just is! right away!



  218.  #219Corin on August 23, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    Wow, dating a guy who pursues me really brings up my fear of intimacy. I can see now so clearly why I’m always attracted to men who give off subtle vibes that they are also afraid of intimacy. I’m feeling scared, embarassed, awkward, inadequate.

    The last time I remember feeling all of these feelings was as a teenager and in my early 20s when I first started relationships and having boyfriends. At the time I really believed that I was catching up with my peers in terms of knowledge/ experience and that I was not good enough in comparison to others. Looking back, going for emotionally unavailable men then helped me to avoid this because they could be the ones with the problem and not me. Wow.

    I hope it’s a sign of progress that these thoughts and feelings are coming up.

    When he calls me ‘darling’ or ‘lovely’ I cringe! I do like him though. Or do I? How do I tell if it’s lack of attraction, fear of intimacy or lack of toxic unavailable chemistry. I guess time will tell.

    I’m scared of ruining things with my fears and not opening up to him enough. Babysteps are OK.



  219.  #220Corin on August 23, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    I’m scared about giving the no girlfriend speech. Scared I will lose him as he has been cheated on in the past and says that trust is really important to him.

    Actually I want him to be my boyfriend so that I can update my FB relationship status and ex can cry! How cruel and childish am I!! I love my angry, childish side. I’m embarassed to update my FB again anyway, it’s changed far too many times in the last few years, going in and out of relationships, in comparison to all my friends in their steady relationships who just move to ‘engaged’ and then ‘married’. Feeling inadequate again.



  220.  #221Ulii on August 23, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Daria – thank you for pointing out that. I’m just a bit too worried about language use sometimes..should get over it, as it’s one more thing to prevent me from relaxing and just trying to express the feelings.

    Other day, when I practiced one of my first concious feeling messages with my ex bf, it was a text message like
    I FEEL FEMININE WHEN YOU INVITE ME TO THE CINEMA
    (after he really had done it)
    his answer was like
    FEMININE? SOMETIMES YOU ARE SO FUNNY.

    I guess i have rearely expressed something like that. For me it will be a big change. But I start to feel more challenged than afraid or awkward, so this is going somewhere.. 🙂

    By the way, I just love the style how you post and share things here, Daria.



  221.  #222Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    RE 213 Mel we are being compared all the time whether we like it or not or whether we know it or not.

    I might put them in my favorites list but don’t initiate contact. I allow them to do it first. For me that feels better.



  222.  #223Corin on August 23, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Not good enough for what? In comparison to whom? Who says so?



  223.  #224Femininewoman on August 23, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    RE 221 Ulii I don’t know what he meant but I would share “I feel taken care of or special” rather than feminine. Or something like “it feels romantic” being invited blahblah blah. He might not have understood what you meant by that



  224.  #225Mel on August 23, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    FW & Daria,

    It is when I see guys that have asked me out, met me and then later see “online” that trigger my bad feelings. Like if he were truly interested, he would not be looking at other profiles right now. I so get that this is hypocritical though. I just want to be the ONLY one being pursued.



  225.  #226Lilybelle on August 23, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    178:

    It was the earthquake up there…It’s all over the web..



  226.  #227Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    wow i like this man! it felt so good to talk to him and i felt so good… and he was complimenting me and i felt lovely!

    and i have messages from ohter men to respond to tomorrow



  227.  #228Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    he said there is something really unique and natural about me

    and he also said i received a great education – and when i asked him what he meant – he said my way of being is very pleasant

    and im like yah i taught myself hehehehe

    yesss!!

    i feele great



  228.  #229Lilybelle on August 23, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    185:

    Oops….Was working from the top….



  229.  #230Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Mel – it’s not “hypocritical”

    its actually normal that you want to be the only one pursued! i do too! and of course !

    when its just the beginning of dating… then yes i can see that they might still be dating others…

    and it WOULD feel triggering to see them online, and not contacting us!

    triggering triggering… mph

    maybe its possible to reframe the thoughts that come up…

    ive actually never noticed when men on pof show up …

    except one i was “into”

    and even then, i just don’t think of it as competition… thoughts of the other women did not come up for me!

    whew!

    however i sometimes felt triggered when a man i was dating just showed up online on my buddy lists and was Not contacting me… i just hid him from my list!!

    i dono how to help reframe this…

    maybe just assume you’re a goddess and there just COULDN’T be any real competition… that’s how i see it for myself

    even if he is still at the beginning talking to other women… its only cuz its teh beginning

    and if it is not… and hes making declarations of love to me and so on… i tell him i dont feel good to see him on there, etc i feel jealous



  230.  #231Silver-Tongued Siren on August 23, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    I am SO FRUSTRATED! I have to vent.

    I just returned a week ago, from a week long visit with Baby’s Father.

    If you remember, we had had very good communication going on for several months now- lots of texting back and forth, emailing, a call once in a while, etc.

    NOW, as of a few weeks ago, when he was questioning my relationship etc with Man-I-Live-With, and open relationships came up (due to him thinking I had been in one), ending with me saying i was not interested in that and him saying he kinda was, ..and me saying “oh glad I found out NOW!! you just broke my heart a little tiny bit!!” …

    since that conversation, he hasn’t really been communicating. the next three weeks it was all … very short, “hi, how are you, how’s the baby” and not very frequent, or else making visiting arrangements and that’s all. no conversation.
    NOW, after I just visited him for a week, it’s…nothing in the last entire WEEK! grrr.

    We’ve known each other about 8 years, and have been seeing each other nearly that long.. just never exclusively. Most of that time he lived out of state.
    Now that we have a baby, he is moving back to my city for good.

    While I was visiting his family, his mom told me the other day that they want he and I to get married. (They = his mom, sister, dad, stepmom) She also told me that he wants to do the right thing, but that he and his brother both think marriage=divorce. (due to their parents relationship). I know that’s been his thought in the past, so I let him know my intentions for myself (to be married, have a family, etc) and am leaving it at that.

    After that conversation with him a few weeks ago, we drove back home, he hung out for a couple more hours, we kissed goodbye. The next week he brought his sister down (and didn’t spend the night, instead drove back an hour and a half away). The next week he brought his mom, and again, did not spend the night, but drove back. (Also perhaps he saved gas money doing this since his sister and mom drove those weeks – so maybe that’s why he didn’t spend the night).

    Anyway It’s been a WEEK now since he brought baby & I back home, and I haven’t heard from him other than a ‘LIKE’ on a fb link.

    I did happen to see a comment he posted, asking a question to everyone in my town. I responded since that does include me, but I am not sure whether I should have?

    So I am so frustrated!!! I am a little bit angry! and really really wanting him to talk to me, but doing my best to focus on other things so that when he does contact me I can be surprised and happy.

    I feel like the tool to use would be a feeling message about feeling not connected, but I’ve already tried that (before this week long visit) and he gave no response and then denied knowing what I meant about his quietness. I think it just makes him feel pressure when I tell him I’m not feeling connected, hence the lack of response, and if he does respond he would be acknowledging it..but probably not intending to change anything, so then he would really feel pressured, knowing I KNOW he sees what I’m saying. Alright, I’m thinking about this too much and I truly have NO idea what is going on in his head.
    I am worried he will be all moody and mad that I haven’t contacted him (thinking I am not doing it because I don’t contact him like that unless he contacts me first).. but I guess if he gets mad he’ll eventually get over it, or have to contact me about the baby, or maybe just miss me.. so he’ll eventually contact me.. I just dont’ want to ruin this, it’s kind of important to me now that we have a baby.

    So I guess the best thing to do is to do NOTHING.
    ughaghalkgja;sldgjaweotkfljn
    men.

    sighhh i just want everything to fall into place NOW!



  231.  #232Silver-Tongued Siren on August 23, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    sorry so long. hehe



  232.  #233Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Thanks Ulli – that feels awesome to read!

    you did great with your message! and yes, sometimes confusion/challenge/joking from the part of the man will be the answer… maybe even put downs if he’s triggered or toxic!

    but rest assured… it’s still working!

    ive had exes who said to me “why do you keep saying feel! that CAN’T be just your personality.. something is up”

    this is when i was new and i felt anxiety using them (they sense that ! but it will go away as you get used to using them)

    jsut keep on feeling messaging him!

    next line would be another one like…

    you are so funny ?

    “oh… 🙁 *yes frown literally* that feels kinda bad.. i feel confused … whatsup?”

    if it felt bad

    if it felt good… then

    hehe smile

    etc.

    also, it feels really powerful to use in the body sensations – my chest feels tense, i felt a wave snk through me – and raw emotions such as angry, sad, happy, scared

    rather than something more like a concept like “feminine”

    – i am practicing this too… still feeling a lil scared to share sensations (like he will go what? why are you telling me that! haha ! just noticed that wow! healing for meeee!!)

    but if you FEEL feminine – then yes express that!

    and it’s a fine start!!



  233.  #234Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    don’t be scared to “Look stupid” !

    boy is that a challenge! i am getting much better at it though!

    love my vulnerable self

    and so do men!



  234.  #235Mel on August 23, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    LOL…

    You’re right Daria! I’m only having these jealous feelings around the ones I kinda like! Hmmmm….

    So what I did instead is say… “Oh well, if he’s not all that interested, there’s plenty who are!” And so I made the time to respond to yet another email from a different guy. I need my energy to be positive. And what’s that you ladies keep saying?… if he’s not in front of you then he doesn’t exist. I think that applies here.



  235.  #236Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    Silver Tongued Siren – ok what i would say is… start dating other men

    now that i’ve said that… yes you can’t get him to give more by asking about it

    so when he contacts you, you can tell him that

    “it felt bad to not hear from you for an entire week…and i don’t feel good with that”

    and then date other men

    either way, the focus must go OFF him.

    if he’s not stepping up now, he will not start stepping up as long as you are focusing on him



  236.  #237Starla on August 23, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    New Guy seems to be pulling back for whatever reason. And it is messing with me. I feel so insecure about it. I want to know the big secret about why the eff he’s changed his tune so suddenly. I was getting used to all his positive attention that didn’t feel overbearing, and our progressively growing more fond of each other.

    Still, I have 2 other dates lined up for the week… but I like him the best. And I feel disappointed that because he hasn’t made plans with me, my next two weekends are more or less booked up.

    Isn’t dating lots of guys supposed to keep my mind off of the one I want? Sigh…

    Maybe I’ll feel better when they take me out and show me some fun.

    And what’s so lame here, what has me feeling so pathetic, is really….it’s too soon for me to make conclusions about this guys behavior or actions. I am making friends with all these insecure feelings.

    And paranoid thoughts that he is playing games now, or there are weird reasons he’s not in touch with me…like money problems….like my ex contacted him to talk smack…like he suddenly realized I’m stupid…

    who knows.

    eeee.

    STOP SIGN



  237.  #238Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Mel – yes, and just assume he IS INTERESTED

    because HE IS!!



  238.  #239Starla on August 23, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    Thank you, new guy, for all these triggers

    thank you for the opportunity to heal



  239.  #240Mel on August 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    OK Daria! I will assume that!!

    I mean the guy contacts me daily, keeps saying he’s excited for our 2nd date, bought books about bees because he’s incredibly interested in my hobby…

    Oh well… maybe he’s just worried that I’m just Sooooo great that I wouldn’t possibly like him and so he’s making a back-up plan.

    Yes! That’s how I’d prefer to think about it!

    Love ya Daria!



  240.  #241Starla on August 23, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    I think Rori mentioned something about how men will withdraw big time.

    I’ve never quite had this problem. Usually they’re trying to be around me 24/7.



  241.  #242Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    213 @ Mel
    I’ve had similar thoughts about online dating…maybe that’s why I can’t take any of the guys seriously that I meet on there, especially when they ask me about my experiences online. Hmm I want to explore that with myself….

    ******************************
    I like what Daria says:

    “Mel – Rori teaches us that guys are differnt

    they actually ZERO IN on a woman they like
    and while they may be flattered and entertain other women temporaririly

    they actually PURSUE the one they want

    and they know right away – they feel strongly attracted – that they want a woman

    so as a woman, you’re a magnet! There IS no competition, because the guys who show up for you and pursue you… guy who’s into you, will be magically drawn to you… because … he just is! right away!”
    ****************
    I find this very freeing and goes with Rori’s concept of no rowing….



  242.  #243Starla on August 23, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Urgh I feel so self conscious right now. I am a huge freak. What is wrong with me. He’s just a boy. How did I get so insecure???

    I bet when I wake up tomorrow I’ll quit trippin about this:).



  243.  #244Mel on August 23, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    Hey Emerson…

    Perhaps this is precisely WHY it bugs me though! Because if they really were interested, they would PERSUE me. Online looking at others is the opposite of that.

    I wonder if I will have a hard time truly taking any of these men seriously? I wonder if I will fear intimacy with them because I will be concerned they will just go after the “next best thing.” This is all stuff of mine to heal. My fear of rejection coming up again.

    I do wonder if I may feel better meeting people in a less “meat-markety” context.

    This is all a big experiment and it’s okay if I don’t always know what I’m doing.

    I just need to remember that yes…quality men find me pretty. Quality men find me interesting. I just need to be open and invite them in and give up any chase.



  244.  #245Daria on August 23, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    Mel – that is an AWESOME reframe! you go!!!



  245.  #246Kayla on August 23, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    Hey sirens, so I just thought I would update you on a few things…
    Well first me and the man I have a relationship with are doing great (: there hasn’t been any problems so far, although today (I’m not sure if I would consider this as a problem) he left his facebook page open on my computer.. Just joking around I said “oh lets look at your facebook page (:” and he jumped up really quick and logged off of it. I started feeling a little bit defensive about that so I just walked away and started doing dishes, then he logged back in and said I could go through it if he could go through mine.. I told him okay but he had to let me go through his first.. So I started reading one of his conversations with another woman that he sorta had a “fling” with before our relationship. . . And I started going through it because supposeably this woman was talking bad about me.. I was scrolling down to get to the messages about me and it just seemed like he felt really nervous because he kept saying things like “I have nothing to hide” or “and if you get mad at me I’m gonna be pissed” over and over again. I didn’t respond and I kept reading his messages, I was just getting to the good part where she was talking about me, and all of a sudden he says “okay, hurry up and sign out so I can leave.” which the leaving part didn’t bother me because he was already planning to go meet up with some of his friends… The part that bothered me was that when he was about to leave he made me prove to him that I had logged out of his facebook.. And when I was reading the messages, I noticed that he is still talking to her everyday pretty much.. and one of the messages I didn’t really understand but it said something like I told you I wanted a girlfriend and it could have been you but it’s her and I don’t know maybe I was just trying to get with you.” I don’t remember exactly what it said but it said something along the lines of that. I feel like I didn’t have a right to be going through his messages, but the way he acted when I made a simple joke makes me feel like I can’t trust him completely or like he at least has something to hide, it makes me feel super curious and a little bit frustrated that he is still talking to her.. Any feedback?? Thanks.



  246.  #247Ella on August 23, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Hi Sirens,

    I have had no computer for a few days…

    Back now though.

    Hope all is well on Siren island? Will catch up on blog soon.

    So I am feeling a lil sad/frustrated.

    There is a new guy I like… got to know him a few weekends ago and we share some mutual friends. And my friend told me he was asking about me / likes me…

    And I was already CD-ing one of his friends.

    And the other day at the party we went back to his house after (the whole group) for a hot tub party.

    But I was mostly hanging out with his friend.

    At first when I met him I did not really feel attracted to him, and then the more time I spend around him I just kinda like him. Like he seems really normal and just like a nice guy.

    And for once I actually feel attraction to a nice guy!

    And still the situation feels hopeless because of dating his friend and I feel as though he has kind of written off his attraction to me because of this.

    Side note – his friend is ok and is just really a practice CD… don’t think there will be any kind of future relationship for me there…

    And with new guy, I don’t think he would ever ask me out but maybe that is just an NV?

    Plus practiaclly I have no idea when I would even see him again… and that feels frustrating.

    Might not be for ages.

    And his friend borrowed some of new guys clothes and has left them with me (living nearer to new guy than he does) to return them… but I am not sure what to do.

    We are friends on FB, do I FB him to tell him I have the clothes? I mentioned it on a general group convo some of us were having but he didn’t reply and not sure he read it.

    Any advice with this situation Sirens?

    How do I let him know I am interested w/o leaning forward?

    And I feel scared of being viewed negatively for CDing 2 friends.

    Oh and Sirens, at one point in the night he said something kinds cryptic which made me feel defensive when he bascially accused me of playing games…

    Any ideas?

    xoxoxo



  247.  #248Ella on August 23, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Suddenly realised that I am immediately jumping to negative conclusions and making stuff up about what new guy thinks etc…

    Hmmm,

    Really I have no idea what he is thinking or anything. No need to assume anything negative.

    So many unexpected things can happen including stuff I can’t even imagine.

    Feeling tired and a bit disheartened tonight so just going to snuggle up and get some sleep.

    And see how I feel tomorrow.

    I feel worried that there won’t be any good things for me in the future.

    And this is simply not true.

    There will be lots of fun times and goodies on my future.

    And soon I need to plan my birthday celebrations, and make some dates… like tomorrow.

    xoxox



  248.  #249Daria on August 23, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Mel – it would feel awful to me to have the perception of ‘meat market’ about online dating

    can you reframe it to “an awesome easy way to Be where Men are at”

    as Rori recommends

    from teh convenience of my own home no less!!

    and an awesome way to get to practice the tools!



  249.  #250LobbyStar on August 23, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Ugh, I feel bad.

    I met this guy, and he was totally stepping up. And ugh, I debated a topic with him. I don’t know why I felt I had to do this! Then he suddenly got a headache and went to bed. Ugh ugh ugh.

    Ugh.

    Now I feel kinda bummed that he might not come back, so I can see him continue to step up. I’m wondering if I scared/turned him off?

    I am beating myself up about this.



  250.  #251Starla on August 23, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    LobbyStar, I’m kinda going through the same thing…but with having leaned forward.

    Let’s not beat ourselves up tonight. I’ll make a pact with you….?



  251.  #252LobbyStar on August 23, 2011 at 7:49 pm

    251: Thanks, Starla.

    I’m trying to do things for me tonight. I’m watching my favorite show that makes me laugh like crazy… and I’m chatting with other CDs.

    But I still feel I may have screwed things up with this guy, and I feel worried that I may try to “fix” it by leaning forward. I must try to resist that urge. Debating the topic with him was definitely masculine energy, and I’ve been trying so hard to embrace my girl.

    I’m sure I’ll feel better in the morning.

    You’re right though. I’m in on the pact!



  252.  #253Starla on August 23, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    oh my god…feeling freaked out…i noticed that facebook puts up old statuses “on this day in” x year on the right hand side of the screen sometimes for my friends, even though they have long deleted those status updates. Which means that’s what they’ve been doing for me! And I’ve said some really not cute things!! No freaking privacy!!

    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, maybe it’s just time to delete this thing. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.



  253.  #254Starla on August 23, 2011 at 8:05 pm

    okay LS i guess that means i’m in on the pact too

    🙂



  254.  #255DE on August 23, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Starla:

    Awww…I feel u 🙁 I am not certain that they show those deleted…that would feel scary and intrusive…

    Hmm…:(

    warm hugs



  255.  #256Starla on August 23, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    I go back and forth with wanting to delete my facebook, but ultimately i feel afraid to.

    plus it brings me lots of nice guys:)



  256.  #257DE on August 23, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Wow…tonite I feel jealous…

    and that feels like pouty lips…frowning…weird sensations in my body…a bit undefined…still around around my heart…

    This feeling of jealousy also brings fears…lots of…:( deja vu maybe?

    I looked at T’s FB…

    I feel tempted to delete him…

    Over a week ago, I noticed he made his wall not available …i wasn’t sure if just to me or everyone…two days ago I asked him…he said…it was in response to a comment I made ab him being tagged in shoe promotions…i felt he was honest…i accepted his response…

    today, i noticed his wall is available again…

    and sure enough, he was tagged in a post of another woman (he was not the only one); cute girl…i immediately compared myself..:( sigh…i looked at her info…she is into new age stuff too…but only into Buddhist theories apparently…she likes to work out a lot ( i don’t 🙁 )…and her bday is a day after mine…this Friday…and T confirmed attending her bday party…and she is 5 years younger too…

    i recall him mentioning about working out at the gym for 3 hours over a week ago…when he and i went a bit down south…and he mentioned about a friend of his that gets him to do various classes with her at 24 hrs…

    hmm…now, i am putting things together…i don’t like it…i feel jealous and afraid…

    sigh…i feel so glad i have other CDs interested…

    T offered to take my out to dinner on Thursday…i fear he may forget and not follow through…

    he did say on Saturday will come out with me…meeting some friends to celebrate my bday…and honestly, i would have preferred to go alone…interesting…i felt that way from the moment he asked me about Saturday if is gonna be a girl party only…i smiled…it felt as he wanted to be a part of it…so, i answered, i am not sure…likely guys will be too…so, i told him he is welcome to join me…

    hmm…i will see how Thursday develops…one day at the time… i might change my mind…i feel curious if i ask him if he has plans on Friday nite, if he would share…

    I intend to stop looking at his FB…i feel afraid that at any sight of insecurity i will look for confirmation…he is not that active on there anyway…

    hmm…i have this temptation to “punish” him…when i feel like that…he just called when i was checking out this girl’s page…i noticed myself…i felt tense…i made a conscious decision to melt…and breath deeply…into my pelvis…

    Gosh, i am mumbling tonite lots of insecurities…:( It feels good to spell them out…:(

    Aww…i love my jealousy…i love my insecurities…my fears…:(



  257.  #258DE on August 23, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Hmm…I feel compelled to post on FB …feeling jealous…I noticed in the past when I would post my fears out there for everyone to see and judge…i tend to love myself more…embrace that vulnerable part of me…

    yes, i intend to do it again…

    thank u FB for being my therapy to fight my fears of judgement from others…and getting my minute of “center of attention” kinda feeling (that i judge so much in me and others of course…)…:( yay…me…



  258.  #259Starla on August 23, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    you can just come post on my wall if you want:)



  259.  #260LobbyStar on August 23, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    Ok, so to feel better about my screw up tonight, I put my inner boy in the corner and managed to set up 2 new CDs for this week. Go me!

    I also decided how I will handle the situation with my screw up without leaning forward.



  260.  #261DE on August 23, 2011 at 8:44 pm

    Aww Starla, I feel your love and acceptance 🙂 Thank you …I intend to face my own monsters 🙁

    Wish u would leave closer to me…I would sure smoke some gangja with ya…that’s on my to do list this year as “experimenting”…:)

    warm hugs



  261.  #262DE on August 23, 2011 at 8:45 pm

    OMG…that’s soo courageous of me…omg…i feel tearful now…:(

    gosh, tears feel so good …they help me release these emotions…and awful energy…



  262.  #263DE on August 23, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Lobbystar:

    That’s fantastic…Go boy you 🙂 yay!!!

    warm hugs,



  263.  #264Starla on August 23, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    My boy is folding my laundry 😛



  264.  #265Lele on August 23, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    I feel crappy tonight. I’ve been trying to cd but can only flirt with people. I’m on several dating sites and am chatting with a few. Lately, the guys I go meet, go immediately to sex. When I say no thank you, they go all logical, trying to convence me to do what they want. It is really pissy. It’s not like I’m a prude but I gotta feel comfortable. Last night 3 different guys that I had met before contacted me to chat, so I’m thinking “nice”. But each one just dissappeared when I said no to online sex. I don’t need that but jeezze, never been treated rude like that before. Makes me feel that I was right in not continuing with them but it sure feels lonely right now.

    seems that I’ve been walking for so long
    through velvet night, frightening and quiet
    through arid dessert, no friend in sight
    through rain torrential, no dry place to be found
    through tropical forrest,
    with beauty so breath stopping
    that it leaves after-images burned into my memory
    and mosquito bites that itch for days
    through stumbles and falls that I really felt too drained to get up from
    but I get up, once again
    find my belief,
    my dream,
    my hope, and start again… walking



  265.  #266Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    Lele,

    RE: #265 – Did you write that poem? It’s beautiful!



  266.  #267Esteemed on August 23, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    I went out with Ryan tonight for a while…just quiet, calm, and harmonious! Our 5th date. 🙂



  267.  #268Lele on August 23, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Esteemed,
    re #266 – yes, i wrote it just a little bit ago. Thank you. 🙂



  268.  #269Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    253 @ Starla…you know what people will prob start doing…delete their FB and start all over from scratch. 🙂 Almost easier than deleting people and worrying about comments…I have a friend that did that b/c she posted some stuff about her b/f when they broke up…and she was mortified when she could not delet the posts…
    I don’t have any really bad posts or anything, but hmmm…..
    Anyway I think a lot of people will do that. It has crossed my mind and not a horrible idea actually. Only problem is I have people from work linked to mine but whatevs!!!



  269.  #270Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    I’ve been thinking a lot about the law of attraction and how we attract what mirrors ourselves and whats going on with us inside.
    hmm.
    this is helping me start to shift out of my horrible funk that I’ve been in.
    I want to heal this poison..I do I do I do.

    I feel bored/impatient/hmmphh about online dating atm…
    and I feel that some of these men are desperate but a little bitterness too….is that possibly a reflection of me???
    What I’m attracting??? quite possibly. geeesh… 😯



  270.  #271Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Lele I’ve found that online dating is a lot of work! It’s not been all bad for me, it’s been a good learning experience and I’ve gotten better at weeding thru people, so to speak…
    I don’t give the creepos that are pervs a second chance. ew.



  271.  #272Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    I feel that was a judgmental statement I just made. Well that’s how I feel about some of them. Creepos and pervs.



  272.  #273Lele on August 23, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    emerson
    re #272 – some are in a different place than we want to be, yes. but I’ve also met some really really nice people. It is just like anywhere else where there is a group of people.



  273.  #274Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    260 Yah go LobbyStar!



  274.  #275Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    273 Lele yes that’s true..Ive met some nice people as well, and that’s the majority actually. Just not really any sparks with anyone yet, at all. Then theres just the odd one here and there that creeps me out, but it’s not that common.



  275.  #276Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    I’m just feeling very blah about the process of online dating overall…It’s me. I think I need a little breaky poo from the whole thing. I feel tired and exhausted and scared. eek..
    It will be ok emerson..breathe..
    I love my scared eek…



  276.  #277Lele on August 23, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    275 Emerson: Yeah, I’ve had a few that felt very creepy. I never met one in person. I don’t get creeped out by the sex-a-thon guys. Just doing my best to honor my boundry and be soft too. Sometimes it is difficult. Take care of you.



  277.  #278Starla on August 23, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    i am feeling a lot more peaceful now. it feels kind of fun now to observe myself and my thoughts “slipping” towards something that feels so hurtful and bad… and to see how i try to take care of myself in various ways that often make me feel worse in the end. i think it’s adorable how i try to take care of myself like that, hehe.

    there was/is such a message in there for me in getting mentally/emotionally caught up on the various possibilities of this man’s behavior. i felt blindsided by it, and it can feel so fatal at times, but once i decluttered my mind a bit (thanks to my pact with LS to not listen to NVs/beat myself up tonight), the messages started coming in. And none of them had to do with my inherent value or his.



  278.  #279Starla on August 23, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    btw, ladies, what helped me move through this was doing something to take care of myself. In this case, it was getting into the shower. I was just about to put it off until the morning, and fall asleep depressed and anxious, but then i got myself in the shower and took extra care to wash my hair, etc.



  279.  #280Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    78 amazingme I want the fairytale too…I haven’t given up yet 🙂



  280.  #281alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    i went couch shopping and this salesman kept asking me all these questions.

    Salesguy: Do you have a big place?

    Me: (pause): Yes.

    🙂

    He showed me a bunchof couches, gave me a catalog and stapled a swatch of material to it.

    🙂

    I still like the one i saw online best.

    🙂

    i feel pleased with myself. and pleased, in general.

    oh and a new HHG emailed me. he’s older but oh, my. actually i’m not sure he’s hispanic. he’s “other ethnicity.” maybe he’s greek.

    he’s fine is what he is.



  281.  #282alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    i’m going to go stalk my couch again online. maybe it will go on sale for labor day.

    not that it matters to me.

    i am a millionaire and i live a very extravagant life. maybe i will buy two of them.



  282.  #283Starla on August 23, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    AG, i want to see this couch. i’m couch stalking too. couch fantasizing is currently my favorite activity.



  283.  #284GingerSky on August 23, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    Rori Raye, you are brilliant, connected, down to earth, preceptive, seasoned, fresh, aware, depthful, incisive… I could go on and on… and I see how right you are on all this. Ramble on! You’re just one of us and not above, but this feels strenghtening and clarifying, like it helps me to hugely see through this issue w the man here, and w all men past, present and future. And as you said, the issues within myself, omg. I started reading this thinking it didn’t apply to me or my situation for a moment, then realized it applies EXACTLY.

    No time to read everyone today… later. Blessings, Sirens!



  284.  #285Starla on August 23, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    “My Guy” (most recent ex) is irritating the bejeezus out of me. He has called, texted, and messaged me about 20 or 30 times in a week and a half. With no response from me.

    And what’s extra irritating is that it’s generally only after 10 pm and when i say i’m not going to be in town. uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

    anyway, after texting me at 10:30 with no response from me, he just messaged me on facebook “please talk to me :(”

    dude, leave me alone…just because i don’t answer you late at night doesn’t mean i am avoiding you.

    and anyway, i avoid you cuz you freak me out, man. lol.

    blargh. how are you gonna dump me by de-friending me and my homies from facebook and saying nothing about it, and then resurface 6 weeks later with urgent, irritating demands that i reconcile with you? nooooooooooo i don’t think that is how this goes!

    geezz guy…you dumped me in a bastard way that left me spinning and confused, and now you’re waking my ass up in the middle of the night for this crap? come onnnnnnnn please go in peaaaceeeeee

    rahhhh

    hehe.



  285.  #286GingerSky on August 23, 2011 at 11:41 pm

    I can’t leave… I keep re-reading this… this is one of my favorite posts EVER!!!

    And it touches on nearly ALL the issues I’ve been dealing with almost verbatim… for a year and a half, and all my life really in so many forms and relationships. Yes, I AM afraid (tears)… omg. My parents divorce was pretty horrendous, and in many ways I am good in connecting/loving/committing, but in many others I just don’t know how to relate. Not one marriage in my family was happy, everyone was trapped, dry. It scares the hell out of me and always has.

    So I manifest this, and was meditating the last two days or so on why I keep getting these “weird” guys… it’s not them. It’s likely my weird composite ways of dealing with all this, reaching out for it but simultaneously scared of it. Oh well, I’m doing much better than when I was younger, not nearly as triggered about it all as I used to be. But it’s definitely ME holding me back… and playing the victim I guess. (Our small town lack of eligible/desireable men and my own lack of transportation notwithstanding… and ditto for online.) I can pull in the man for me regardless, if I just get clear. I believe this. And in this I see no victimhood? Or at least less of it.

    I want the glue! Wanna build a house around the relationship w windows to breathe and see out, but a house that’s *ours*, and has an address and smells like our souls! And the mixture of us and what we are together! Ah, yes!!! To do all the work and learning together and not jump out. But I find ones who wanna build a small cramped house around me with no windows only a slit high up in the wall (those I do not tolerate long at all)… or ones who don’t believe in walls at all! Or who want to build a house with no roof.

    But it’s all about my being afraid of the glue, and nearly asphyxiating when I think of being in the glue, unless there’s some “issue” that’s so bad for me that it keeps me from really having to think about the very glue I crave ever becoming a reality! (And then I can pine and long and suffer bc I “can’t get the man to commit.”)

    I cut & pasted this into my computer and will read it over and over.



  286.  #287GingerSky on August 23, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    #285 Starla Amen, Starla. Amen and right on. I feel you in this.



  287.  #288alias girl on August 23, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    #283 starla here’s the one i was looking at tonight

    http://www.crateandbarrel.com/furniture/sofas/oasis-sofa/s517014

    but it doesn’t look as good in person. it’s not quite right.

    but this is the one he gave me the swatch for.

    i feel worried to buy something online that looks good in the picture but what if, like this one, it looks different in person?

    oh, i don;’t know. i have already developed an imaginary relationship with my dream couch and i feel like it would be Perfect without ever having even met it yet.



  288.  #289Emerson on August 23, 2011 at 11:54 pm


  289.  #290GingerSky on August 24, 2011 at 12:05 am

    #270 Emerson The reflections in the mirror aren’t always (or even usually) direct. They can be the reflection manifesting of something we are, just recently were, what makes us angry, what we desire, or what we fear. Our own shadow coming back at us… so the prevs I’ve attracted in the past always turned out to be showing a trait of something of those in me — and they (or it) often grossed me out terribly — at first.

    But whatever is the *trait* is what it is about, not the whole perv guy and all things about him. It almost always turned out to be something that inner compassion could make clear, but WITHOUT giving *any* time to that person except in my own thoughts ABOUT ME. And when I said no more of this, and forgave the trait in myself with understanding, the gross guys stopped coming into my world. Usually for me, the traits are something in their personality I would never have normally thought of, and which I was hiding from myself with my anger… hardly ever anything I’d notice or associate with the perv guys. It’s all very surprising sometimes, like it’s slanted a bit off to the side of what you’d expect it to turn out being about. (Does this make sense at all? Hope I’m not butting into your biz here.)

    Plus, on the more concrete side of things, there are so many women out there who will jump into a gross situation for sex, that guys feel a reason to try. Omg. (That’s my judgment, and it feels good for me to make it right now!) I’m triggered about some women I know of like this, and, as Monty Python said in the Holy Grail, “It’s people like you what cause UNREST!” 😀



  290.  #291Emerson on August 24, 2011 at 12:08 am

    290 ginger sky
    ok to be in my biz 🙂 that’s why I’m here! hmm interesting feedback and yes it does make sense..I feel that sometimes I forget to lean back and “Look for the message…”



  291.  #292Emerson on August 24, 2011 at 12:11 am

    I’ve been all over the map the last couple of days, but it’s ok I love me anyway.
    I never vented and shared my feelings/thoughts/fears this way before so sometimes it feels like spiralling and I fear sirens will think I am crazy but its ok I love me and my temporary craziness…

    I want to feel excited for me and my future and I feel it creeping back…



  292.  #293GingerSky on August 24, 2011 at 12:11 am

    #204 Tmizz Interesting… and I’ve heard sex dreams mean that the person you’re dreaming about has some trait you need more of in yourself in order to become whole. So you’er dreaming about “merging” and “exchanging” with them… during a time of night when serotonin is low, which makes arousal more of a default mechanism. This has always been true for me, and has kept me from having the horrors and hee-bee-jeebies when I’ve dreamed of someone ridiculous that I *know* is not any sexual interest to me, or family member or respected elder, crazy movie character or something.

    Again, what’s the trait? What am I needing to drop or add in order to become whole…?



  293.  #294GingerSky on August 24, 2011 at 12:15 am

    #107 Emerson He feels guilty? Can’t hear your feelings bc he’s stacked up with what he knows about himself?

    Men often want my approval for everything, like seeing other women etc… and ONLY allow me to feel what they want me to feel! Where is that mirror again…? I gotta maybe hold it sideways and slanted, and see if I see anything that looks like me in there in any way… bc this just *pisses me off!*



  294.  #295alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 12:23 am

    #289 emerson i had never heard of room and board before. they have some nice sofas on there! i feel very excited about my new sofa!!!!!!



  295.  #296alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 12:24 am

    i trimmed my hair. it looks nice. healthier.



  296.  #297GingerSky on August 24, 2011 at 12:37 am

    #117 Emerson I must be in an “Emerson Ditto Head” moment.

    This is exactly what I was walking around the house the other day planning a preaching blog about! Omg, we ALL have baggage, etc! WE’RE HUMAN!
    This is not a relationship they seek, it’s a service, imo.

    Like tell me what else you want… look inside and see what makes you unique and telI me that thing. Not just walks by the beach, camp, watch movies, cuddle, and no drama or baggage, want a nice lady, etc. I thought of writing a spoof of this… and the spelling and writing well (with something to say) is imperative for me (one reason I love the man here). I know *many* men have had relationships w unstable women and don’t want that… but oh I could write a book on this!



  297.  #298GingerSky on August 24, 2011 at 12:42 am

    #57 Corin I HAVE BEEN THE SAME WAY. I’m the Love Potion #9 for men to find their forever woman, and leave me behind. To the point that I told the one I love now (and others) that that’s what would happen, but then I really came to love him and our connection a lot (which he does too, just not compat enough for him… yet?) Anyway, know that you are not alone. Fwiw I *KNOW* how this feels. (And sorry about your bike, I cycle too. Hope you get a better one to replace it?)



  298.  #299GingerSky on August 24, 2011 at 12:51 am

    #292 Emerson I’ve seen a lotta sirens on here get very very crazy, and spiralling and more… I have been as well. Spiral on. We’re all here. It feels like a grounding rod here sometimes to me, or a way to let the cork out of the bottle and get some *perspective*. I feel the same way… too crazy inside sometimes… and not happy about the future, but just blah. Missing the relationship times… and feeling/seeing the neurotic-ness in me from no touch, no hand-holding, no happy jazzed calls and messages much… less meaning, less connect, everything dry… floating… it feels to me like I can get happier about future if I clear my stuff – a bit – and like you said, be okay with me.



  299.  #300GingerSky on August 24, 2011 at 12:56 am

    #292 Emerson Plus, you have a *very* lovely pink shoe to step into your bright future with! I like it! 😉

    Good night, sirens. I have stayed up almost all night on here, and I will pay tomorrow. Got *lots* of work to do and been lazy and otherwise engaged alone in work I needed to do for me inside… now I gotta play major catch up this week. Wish me well!

    Blessings and hugs from my soul and spirit to all here… love and have a great, real, connected, solitary, full, clearing/emptying, beautiful and honest rest of the week. With grace.



  300.  #301Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 12:57 am

    re # 217: DE, thank you!

    yes, you read me exactly right:

    “It appears that you miss him and appreciate him at face value, yet there is no prospective in your mind about a future together”

    There is no prospective future, because he was open with me about the fact that he doesn’t want children, and this isn’t something that I want to change about him (ha – not that I could if I wanted to). You are right. I just appreciate him for who he is.

    I’ve reached out a couple of times to say hi, and he’s responded. he even responded positively, a week after we had a conversation by chat that was very uncomfortable for me. But he hasn’t reached out to me AT ALL in the last two+ weeks.

    Then there is the added complication of RoBoat reappearing. Although I am not sure exactly what that is, or what it means right now. But he is a very monogamous type, and so I am quite sure that he would not be okay with me going off to have sexy adventures with another (Indian) man…



  301.  #302Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 1:13 am

    Yes, that’s right. The great majority of the men that I’ve been dating recently have been Indian.

    and here’s something odd: I just had, this evening, the second conversation this week about marriage, in which the subject was not brought up by me.

    It feels really good to talk about it.

    Although, it doesn’t feel really good when other people have ideas about the way that it is or is not going to work out for me.

    Like when people tell me that I’m going to end up with a Jewish man, because I’m Jewish. How do I know? Heck, yeah, I’d like to date a Jewish man. But G-d put a lot of men on this earth, and very few of them are Jewish. And if G-d decides that the right one for me is not Jewish, then who am I to argue? Having a relationship based on spirituality is important. but there are many ways of being spiritual, and it doesn’t always come down to “religion.” to me, it is more about the choices we make, and the FACT that we make a commitment to someone – not just where they come from, or what tradition they have. Besides, diversity is good, and I love learning from other people.

    I am more interested in someone who will take care of me, provide for me (not in a 1950s kind of way, just kind of everyday stuff. Or fine, 1950s, if you like;), enjoy spending time with me, make me laugh. Basically, I am more interested in someone who wants to marry me, and make that commitment, then I am in the fact of whether or not he is Jewish. If I marry someone *just* because they are Jewish, I could be miserable. Not only that, I almost did once, and maybe now, that’s just not for me.

    Oh well. I guess I am the only one who knows my life. I am the only one who makes my decisions. Other people’s ideas about what is right for me are only their ideas. I can take them or leave them.

    {p.s. extra bonus – I was hit on something crazy today! A man on the beach sat there and watched me swim and sunbathe. he talked to me, too. Another man stopped me in the street to say he liked my style. A woman said I looked cute. And then another man offered to take me for a drink. So I’m feeling pretty good. I must be radiating some positive energy. meanwhile, RB actually hasn’t contacted me since the weekend. I think he is “rubberbanding.” but it’s also only been two days;) I’ve heard some experts talk about how men need to go off and replenish their testosterone levels after having a lot of oxytocin-producing bonding experiences. (meanwhile, as women, we just want more oxytocin;) And he and I spent a lot of time together this past weekend. but it’s okay. I’m getting all this attention from all these other lovely places. I feel sexy and good. I feel wanted.:)}



  302.  #303Laughing goddess on August 24, 2011 at 2:12 am

    Here’s the couch I’ve been stalking!

    http://www.westelm.com/products/tillary-outdoor-modular-seating-f703/?pkey=cfurniture-outdoor

    gonna go check yours out now.



  303.  #304Laughing goddess on August 24, 2011 at 2:21 am

    AG: I like how Eco that couch you like is. I love that it has down in it and is covered in linen. Feels very luxurious.

    P.s. I feel a little worried that I freaked you out because I wanted to order filet mignon after our spa day and you’re a vegetarian 🙁



  304.  #305alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 3:16 am

    #304 LG i feel fine what other people want to eat. is still fun to go out to eat with people. i don’t care what they order, i just hope they enjoy it and that i enjoy whatever i get. spa day is still ON!!!!

    #303 Lg for your patio?



  305.  #306Marjan on August 24, 2011 at 4:50 am

    Hi Rori
    I need to send you a personal message. how can I do that? I need your help about my marriage life… please let me know how can I send you a personal message through email…
    thank you so much in advance

    kind regards;

    Marjan



  306.  #307Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 5:03 am

    Tmizz,

    RE: #302 – Good for you! Sounds like you had a wonderful day!



  307.  #308Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 5:04 am

    Marjan,

    RE: #306 – Email Rori’s assistant at melanie@coachrori.com.



  308.  #309Daria on August 24, 2011 at 5:13 am

    omgosh i dont remember what i dreamt! what could it have been?



  309.  #310Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 5:21 am

    http://glo.msn.com/relationships/do-these-traditions-prevent-gender-equality-7318.gallery#!stackState=0__%2Frelationships%2Fdo-these-traditions-prevent-gender-equality-7318.gallery

    Romantic… Or Sexist?By Natasha Burton

    Some of our time-honored relationship traditions have not-so-gender-equal histories. While we might scoff at marriage dowries of the past, many don’t bat an eye at the bestowing of a multi-carat engagement ring—or see a connection between the two. So, have we really come a long way, baby? We asked leading relationship experts, historians and psychotherapists to weigh in on five dating, marriage and family customs that may be holding us back.



  310.  #311Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 5:23 am

    Marjan

    I have gotten responses from rori@coachrori.com



  311.  #312Daria on August 24, 2011 at 5:26 am

    i have a date tonite! with that guy from online!

    idont have a time, i told him im available after 7

    will see when he calls me!

    yay!

    and no there is no hint here of me calling him or anything like that! awesome!



  312.  #313Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 5:32 am

    Lilybelle I am missing your “voice” here. You busy planning your birthday celebrations?



  313.  #314Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Daria,

    Good for you! Your vibe is really energetic and alive these days! Have fun!



  314.  #315Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 7:41 am

    I like denim sofas! I prefer a high back so you can rest your head. I don’t like cushions across the back, because they always seem to get dishevelled. I like them well-structured so they sculpt to your body and give support.

    Once I got a $2500 sofa bed free off Craigslist, and it was the most comfortable sofa I ever had! It was ten years old, but it didn’t matter. I really liked it. I wish I had protected it better from my dogs. I thought it would be easy to replace, but I found not all sofas are made the same. Some are just downright uncomfortable.

    Here’s one that appeals to me:

    http://www.raymourflanigan.com/delaney-microfiber-reclining-sofa-200395805.aspx



  315.  #316Daria on August 24, 2011 at 7:51 am

    i just talked to my og friend

    one of his newphews, i used to date, and i know he was in love with me… but we were both really wild and immature in a way

    and his brother liked me too and i liked him

    anyway he got married a few years back and really avoided me

    i couldnt believe it!

    i totally thought he would not be able to resist finding me

    anyways i heard he’s not getting along with his gf (that is, wife) and he stayed at his uncle’s for a week

    and he asked about me!

    wow!

    hehehehe

    i feel good!



  316.  #317Emerson on August 24, 2011 at 7:57 am

    294: GingerSky says:
    #107 Emerson He feels guilty? Can’t hear your feelings bc he’s stacked up with what he knows about himself?

    Men often want my approval for everything, like seeing other women etc… and ONLY allow me to feel what they want me to feel! Where is that mirror again…? I gotta maybe hold it sideways and slanted, and see if I see anything that looks like me in there in any way… bc this just *pisses me off!*
    *****************************************

    Hmm GingerSky, very insightful!! I feel thankful for you sharing your perspective, because it makes a little more sense to me now — he does feel guilty I’m sure. and like you said about wanting approval, even if it’s about another woman..and only wanting me to feel what he is comfortable with…
    i will slant the mirror a bit and look for the message in this,,,



  317.  #318Emerson on August 24, 2011 at 8:01 am

    blech…I just got this message from someone on POF who I’ve been emailing back and forth with…

    “So I’m curious why you have never been married….have you ever been close. How long ago was your last serious relationship?”

    I do not want to talk about this. I feel a tightness in my throat and tummy just reading the message.
    Help…Tinque…Daria…sirens et al….

    I guess a fair enough question, but I don’t feel comfortable talking about it and especially not on email. He keeps sending me more pics. And then he asked for more pics in the same message as that question above….nope sorry..



  318.  #319Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Wow Day 3 of my limeade cleanse. I am questioning my sanity lol 🙂 Last time I did it for 3 days. This time I’m doing it for five days.



  319.  #320Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 8:19 am

    @Gingersky – about the dreams: yes, definitely! That sounds like it makes a lot of sense…



  320.  #321Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Wildflower you should start feeling better today. Are you?



  321.  #322Emerson on August 24, 2011 at 8:23 am

    ack I feel turned off and a bit amused atm…due to that message from teh POF guy.

    I am so happy and love myself for not replying in a business manner as Daria would say…and I may not even reply at all!! In the past I WOULD have replied in a businessy way and stated the facts…but is that really necessary? nooope…and I don’t want to send him any more pics. He wants to see more of me he can ask me out.



  322.  #323Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 8:26 am

    FW thanks for your insight yesterday. It got me thinking about what I want. My first instinct was to think about what I want HIM to DO. However I can’t focus on that because I have no control over that. Sooo what do I want??? It feels scary to even think about…how crazy is that??

    I want a home that’s near restaurants, shops and parks and feels safe. I want a small garden that’s not overwhelming to take care of with pretty flowers and container pots. I want a loving husband who I can talk to about anything, is romantic to the point of making some people roll their eyes, and loves to be passionate in the bedroom. I want three children who are adopted. I want an Au Pair to help with the children. I want a housekeeper who comes once per week to help with the cleaning. If I am far away from where my dad, bro, and sister in law live I want a second house close to them but near the beach so me and my family can come visit in the summers when I am off from work.

    Thanks FW that felt fun! 🙂 Oooooh now my NVs are saying “better get working on your Plan B cause that’s never gonna happen…” OUCH ooh I feel stress in my chest…I love my stress. Ok I’m envisioning taking my angry, doubtful NV and giving her a hug. We are walking through the dark tunnel together. I’m holder her hand. We see a door with a light and walk up the stairs and out the door. There is a beautiful field of flowers. The sun is shining. It feels nice to think of this field.



  323.  #324Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I FINALLY got things moving on my new job. They were negotiating salary, and it delayed it 1.5 weeks, because a lady was out sick. I will most likely start sometime next week. Whew! I am so happy and relieved to have a job again!

    I will be homeless as of August 31st as it stands now. I think it’s fair for them to ask me to leave after 3 months. That is a lot longer than they originally intended anyway. I will no longer have a car payment, because I just paid it off this week!

    And I am looking for a loan. I feel tacky and embarrassed asking this, but can any of you lend me anywhere from $100 to $2000? I promise I will pay it back rapidly, at least $300 a month. I just need a way to pay for a security deposit and first month rent. Once I am up and running in my job, I’ll be fine.

    Sincerely, B



  324.  #325Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 8:27 am

    FW–I am feeling better…thanks! Still looking forward to regular food though. I love to eat!! 🙂



  325.  #326Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 8:33 am

    I met a new CD last night, John. He talked a blue streak, and that felt a little disconnected. He was all right as a whole, and I felt safe with him. But he was apparently trying to cover his brown teeth with his lips, and his breath smelled rotten…I felt nauseated.

    At the end of the date, first he asked for a hug, which I enjoyed. Then he asked for a kiss, and I said no, offering him another hug. I wouldn’t mind seeing him again, but I am going to create a feeling message to email him about his teeth, because I don’t have the guts to say it to his face!



  326.  #327Donna on August 24, 2011 at 8:35 am

    So, I just read the newsletter about feeling more wanted by using circular dating. My problem is, I’m married already so dating other men is definitely out. Anyone have any suggestions on how married women can feel more wanted without cheating on their husbands? Lol!



  327.  #328Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 8:35 am

    RE 323 I loved reading that. It felt you giving yourself a big hug.

    Wildflower how about embracing the thought “I love to eat food that nourish my body”. I have tried that on and today I got some chocolate from Kenya. It had whole hazelnuts (yummy). Instead of eating the whole bar I ate piece and shared with someone else, just when I was getting the urge to eat the whole thing. I feel so proud of myself. Hope I can inspire you for the future.



  328.  #329Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Wildflower,

    I love to eat, too. There’s a restaurant near here that has $4 guacamole with tortilla chips from 11 pm to 1 am! What a delicious, nutritious late night snack! I’m craving some!



  329.  #330Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Donna,

    Re: #327 – Yes, you can “CD” by flirting with men wherever you go, in a good vibe kind of way! Flirt with old men with canes, flirt with deli clerks, smile at men on the street. It’s about upping your vibe!

    You can also change your vibe with wearing more pinks, lavendars, and reds, rearranging your house, getting more romantic decorations and less clutter.

    Hope this helps!



  330.  #331Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 8:49 am

    RE 318–Emerson I know what you mean these things do feel triggering. For the married question I can’t help but feel a bit bashful so I admit that. But in a way I feel happy they are asking about it (shows they’re interested).

    I totally know what you mean about the picture one. I feel triggered by that too. I’ve sent pics to a couple guys who I never ended up meeting up with. That feels creepy but I don’t want to dwell on it. I had this other guy recently ask me for a color picture. I felt triggered because I have like 5 recent pics posted and one is very up close, another is close, and the rest show my body or me doing things. So my first reaction was to feel defensive. Apparently I had lots of b&ws and he was wondering if I had a color pic. I told him I felt confused and he explained that it’s hard to get a feel for a person from a b&w. The way he explained it I felt good about it so I told him I would send him one.

    If something really feels wrong or bad to you, you could just experiment with it as a boundary and see how it goes??



  331.  #332Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 8:55 am

    RE 328–Thanks FW 🙂 Yummm hazelnuts in chocolate sound fabulous.



  332.  #333Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 9:00 am

    Hey, Sirens. Here is an article I just discovered. It is a business article, but I think what the guy here is talking about is also applicable to relationships – being that it has to do with certainty and complexity and keeping an open mind.

    http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2011/07/why_being_certain_means_being.html

    This is a great quote from the article: “It is our mind’s lockdown feature that makes certainty the #1 enemy of effective decision-making in the face of complexity.”



  333.  #334Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Donna Circular Dating is not necessarily about “dating” men. It is about therapy for you and how you feel in the presence of men. Helping you to lift your vibe, taking in their energy. Read through Rori’s Dating and Power and SelfEsteem categories to the bottom right of the blog. It will help you get a better sense of it. There is also a category of Marriage



  334.  #335Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Wildflower someone recently asked for a more close up picture. I told him it felt unsettling and like I was being criticized early on because of what he said about my picture. He apologized but still asked for my number. I have not sent it yet because his words kind of come across as feminine promising romance and passion that has me feeling he might be more focussed on sex.



  335.  #336LobbyStar on August 24, 2011 at 9:27 am

    I feel unsafe and disappointed.

    I’ve been talking to a guy who seemed to be stepping up. He brought up a topic last night, and I expressed my opinion on the matter. He turned it into a debate and I unfortunately bit. He went away turned off, and I feel… lots of things.

    He emailed me this morning and said that things won’t work out for us if I’m going to debate these kinds of things. I feel bad that I debated him, but I also feel annoyed, because he’s the one who wouldn’t let the subject drop or agree to disagree. I tried more than once to change the topic.

    I wrote back and said that I thought I was just expressing my thoughts on the topic and that I was not being combative. I said that if this was the kind of thing to end us before we’ve truly begun, then I feel sad, and I feel rejected. Not once did I use the word ‘you.’ I feel proud of myself for that.

    He hasn’t blocked me from chat or unfriended me on FB, so maybe he will be back. I should anchor now, right? I should wait for him to come to me, right? I really need reinforcement on this point, sirens.



  336.  #337Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 9:37 am

    RE 336 Lobbystar I would say wait. Doing anything at this point would feel like leaning forward and trying to make something happen…



  337.  #338Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 9:52 am

    RE 335: Yeah I don’t know FW. For me this is a tough one. It feels weird to me too.

    The pic thing for me immediately makes me feel defensive like he’s on the fence about whether he finds me attractive or not. I recognize that’s just my NVs though.

    If you got a vibe from that guy than you’re probably right. For me I’ve been experimenting with believing what people say rather than jumping to being skeptical or assuming they’re trying to get the better of me. The key for me is really finding a boundary so that I don’t go crazy out of my way and then truly feel taken for granted (one step forward two steps back). So for my particular guy I figured I’d go with believing he really wants a color pic of me for whatever reason. I’ll just send him the color version of the one that’s already on my profile.

    The sex thing is a whole other issue I’ve been wondering about. When I first started CDing I had all these dates who were wonderful men who really seemed to want a true relationship. I just really didn’t find them attractive and aside from that some of them either had sexual issues or didn’t press me for sex. Now I’m getting these guys who say they want a relationship (at least in their profiles)…but definitely want sex lol. It does feel wonderful to be wanted…but I’m having to learn how to really set boundaries….but at the same time not be closed and scared of sex.



  338.  #339Shar lean way back on August 24, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Ginersky 286 I love your vision of the house the love built 🙂 Copied that to use.



  339.  #340alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 9:58 am

    #315 esteemed. i saw a gorgeous couch at crate and barrel that was denim-ish

    http://www.crateandbarrel.com/furniture/sofas/lounge-93%22-slipcovered-sofa/s152156

    i love how everyone has different styles and tastes.



  340.  #341Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Wildflower I have other guys who go into talking about family and their life experiences. That feel more comforting and safe for me to really express myself and be more curious about them. I particularly like to hear about their travels.



  341.  #342Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 10:04 am

    Regarding the sex thing, I believe it might have been a red flag for me because I put I am looking for a LTR and he is only interested in dating nothing serious.



  342.  #343Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 10:10 am

    RE 336 Lobbystar did you suggest to him that you wanted things to work out for you both? Sounds like a big assumption if you are just Cdating. About the combative comment, it sounds to me like you trying to explain and justify your position. A place where you don’t want to go. I would take the experience as a lesson to me about myself and how I relate. Something to notice and maybe try to change for the next time around. If only Cdating, no need to beat up on yourself, it is just knowledge to use.



  343.  #344Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Lobbystar I also suspect he might be the type who needs the teamplayer vibe from his partner and might have been testing for that. It could also be a control issue. However, that is his business. The important thing is how you feel with him and if you have not yet met feeling bad about the exchange is a message for you.



  344.  #345Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 10:14 am

    FW–that makes sense. I feel worried I may have come across as judgmental. I don’t want that! I probably should have separated the posts. Your comment just got me thinking about some of my own recent CDing experiences.

    For my own situation I’m still really learning how to set boundaries and really feel my feelings and trust my intuition.

    I also in the past have tended to jump to negative conclusions about people. I recognize it’s a thought pattern that tries to keep me safe. It feels bad though. On the other hand I don’t want to be naive. I guess that’s where the boundaries come in to play.



  345.  #346alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Esteemed congratulations on your new job starting soon!! i feel so happy to hear that things are working out for you!

    Is it possible to present to a future landlord that you would like to move in asap but are short the last months deposit?

    or some apts don’t charge first and last. when i moved into the apt i am in now he didn’t even charge a full first month. it was a couple hundred only. i think he knew i was strapped but he was willing to take a risk that i would be a good tenant. and i have been for many years. he was a really good guy. rest his soul. he passed some months ago.

    but you never know. sometimes things just work out. sometimes they negotiate. people want good tenants.



  346.  #347Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Wildflower I looked at one of his comment again, copied below, I guess it was the chasing comment is one of the things that triggered me.

    “Chasing me would be flattering! men need love and pampering as much dont be bashfull, if the attraction exist it wont matter at the end as long as we care to carry on and NOT compete, hide our feelings, hold affection and resist passion!!!”



  347.  #348Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 10:25 am

    RE 345 WF I did not experience it as judgemental just processing and questioning the thought.

    Your comment about negative conclusions remind me of CCarter talking about the negative emotional override that is most people’s default position and Byron Katie’s encouragement to question the thought. I am learning to pause and question my thoughts and be comfortable in not believing them. But I will write them here to get feedback from people. I think of here as a support group.



  348.  #349Wildflower on August 24, 2011 at 10:38 am

    RE 347 Yeah I see what you mean. The rest of what he said seemed pretty cool but the idea of him wanting “chasing” does feel fem. I do sometimes wonder if people misrepresent themselves in emails sometimes.

    Regardless, this is one of the things that bugs me about emailing. I have to admit. I feel more triggered and irritated by a man who wants to email back and forth about their life for ages before asking me on a date. I would rather have some guy who wants to take me out for coffee that day and get it on in his car (I wouldn’t do that–boundaries lol). I don’t know how my mind wandered to this… 🙂



  349.  #350mary on August 24, 2011 at 10:53 am

    That story in comment 3 just keeps coming to mind and haunting me.

    I want to tell that girl:
    ____________

    Don’t have sex with a guy who’s having sex with other women! (Doesn’t she see the health risks?) Meaning don’t have sex unless you’re exclusive.

    Don’t be exclusive unless you’re SURE you want to marry him, or you have the ring and the date.
    _________

    And that girl is me!!!!! ! ? !!!

    And I control me. I’m in a relationship that is exclusive ( but he’s not having sex with other women.) And I’m not sure I want to marry him. And I don’t have a ring or a date.

    wow.

    I don’t know how to get past this.

    It involves a simple decision and I can’t seem to make it.



  350.  #351LobbyStar on August 24, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Ok, so I’m letting Debate Guy cools his jets. He’s online right now, and I’m not IMing him. Btw, I have met him in person, and things went very well. I consider him a CD at this point, as all men I date are, but he was really stepping up and seemed to really want to work with me to create something awesome and strong. To have him run away after a simple difference of opinion feels disappointing to say the least. I will give him time and space.

    The old, pre-RR me would be over functioning like crazy trying to “fix” this. Not this time, though I am fighting to maintain this. My mind is going a mile a minute with ideas of what to do, but I’m doing nothing. This is progress.

    Instead, I have a date tomorrow night with Quiet Guy, who I’ve been chatting up for about a month. He finally asked me out and for my number. We’ve been texting for a couple days. I feel unsure about him; he’s asked me for ideas of where to go on our date. He seems indecisive.

    I also have a date on Friday with a new CD, Film Dude. He did all the asking, he determined where we’re going and everything. He’s picking me up. He’s texting me little movies that he makes with his iPhone throughout the day, very cute.

    I am so grateful for CDing to keep my mind off Debate Guy.



  351.  #352Silver-Tongued Siren on August 24, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Daria, and other Sirens, I need help with a couple of dialogues:

    Daria suggested that when Baby’s Father contacts me, I do share a feeling message “it felt bad to not hear from you for an entire week…and i don’t feel good with that”

    I wonder if I have not been doing this right. What tone of voice would you all say this in? Do I say this smiling, happy, or in tone with how I feel about it?

    I would imagine him to say “i’ve been busy”
    or “how are you”

    how do I respond to that? I really want him to hear and acknowledge and respond to my comment. or.. to change something. but I guess I can just tell him how I feel and then he knows. What do you recommend?

    Also, I believe his response may be “well you could have called ME”…. – (he does not like that it should all be on him.. so strange, as it’s totally different when say, paying for dinner. he ALWAYS pays. even the tip.) I recall vaguely a conversation a long time ago about how I don’t feel comfortable calling, he asked why, and I think I said that I would feel better knowing he WANTS to talk to me, and if he is calling, I KNOW he’s calling because he wants to. His response was… “I always want to talk to you!!” –

    I don’t believe that, as his moods certainly may fluctuate- besides, if he wanted to talk to me, he’d call/text/email/whatever. ??? wouldn’t he?
    He IS an Aries, and they are known for avoiding the phone, etc. But we’ve had EXCELLENT communication for the past several months now. By text, email, phone.

    What should my response be to “you could have called .. ” ??

    A: repeat myself? “I feel more comfortable letting you call when you want to talk to me.. If you are calling, I know you want to talk. 🙂

    B: ???

    And Daria, he HAS been stepping up – VERY MUCH so, in fact he has been telling me (after 8 YEARS!!!!!) that he LOVES me, and that he is a bit in love with me.. telling me he thinks we are both VERY happy with everything (the baby, etc) and with each other.

    Everything was GREAT until that comment about open relationships. After that he has been VERY QUIET and unavailable the last few weeks. :<

    I wonder if it was only that, or if there is some combination of other things bothering him about me.. as I have felt anxious in his presence a few times recently, but have had trouble determining if it was truly due to his energy/thoughts or if it was due to the anxiety I have been feeling with Man-I-Live-With rubbing of on my other experiences.



  352.  #353Daria on August 24, 2011 at 11:21 am

    thank you daria for putting my clothes in the wash

    thank you for hanging my clothes up to dry

    thank you for taking my clothes out of my little travel bag

    thank you for putting my travel bag away in the closet

    thank you for putting water up to warm on the stove

    thank you for giving me food to eat for dinner

    thank you for meditating

    thank you for taking a nap



  353.  #354Daria on August 24, 2011 at 11:23 am

    CD called to aks me out but i feel too tired



  354.  #355Silver-Tongued Siren on August 24, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Daria, I love your thank you notes to yourself. 😀 I need to do that.



  355.  #356Silver-Tongued Siren on August 24, 2011 at 11:49 am

    ps daria, do you take dates the day of or do you make them ask you out a couple days beforehand?



  356.  #357alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 11:50 am

    i just wrote back to a guy that i felt attracted to his pictures but that i also felt repelled by his profile.

    :-/



  357.  #358Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 11:58 am

    RE 352 STSiren

    He should be able to feel you when you say you feel sad or whatever so your tone and body language should reflect that, even if you are on the phone. If you smile that communicates that you are happy so you come across fake/superficial because your words are saying something else.

    Those questions you are asking were addressed in Rori’s interview with Greta Hassel last month. She says if he says you could call also, you can validate his feelings/needs of maybe being overwhelmed with work and needing to feel significant also. But after validating that you can appreciate that he was overwhelmed with his busy schedule share that you want to experience that he is thinking about you and how you feel when you call him. She also suggests saying something for him to work out the logistics of him calling. It seems when in a relationship the dynamics change and the mindset should be how do we do this together to make this thing work, teammate kind of mentality.



  358.  #359mary on August 24, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    alias girl,

    you make me laugh so much.



  359.  #360Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Wildflower funny I have only been contacted by one who wants to email back and forth. Others including this one has requested the phone number on first contact and requested dates.



  360.  #361mary on August 24, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    350

    i’m not even asking for help because i know no one can help!

    i just need to make a decision.

    are all the facts not in?

    yes, the deck is stacked on one side.

    why don’t i just end it?

    BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO.

    wow.

    maybe i’ll want to one of these days.



  361.  #362Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Mary when you are hormonally hooked it is not easy make those types of decisions. You know it is right intellectually but the need/desire tends to sobatage our resolve. Babysteps. You will get there.



  362.  #363mary on August 24, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    yes, thanks.

    my baby steps for now are being busy! and i’ll just have to see.

    i’m so busy that even if i could break up with him today and cross paths with mr. right, i wouldn’t have time to devote to the relationship.

    so yes, maybe things will just resolve naturally.

    hope so!



  363.  #364English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    OMG 2 days away and I am sooooo far behind on the blog, love, light and happiness to all the Goddeses/Sirens………….

    xxx



  364.  #365Daria on August 24, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    thank you daria for bathing me and washing my hair

    wow this is a different life!



  365.  #366Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    I don’t know what’s going on with me!!! I’m feeling so…expressive?

    Maybe it was the earthquake last night? (Yeah, we had one, too, on the W. coast – 3.6)

    Suddenly I feel like I just want to pour my heart out and be totally blunt and honest with everyone. And also to get married right away and start having lots of babies with whatever available person happens to be next to me. lol

    OMG, did I mention how I had yet another marriage convo with someone last night?? I think I did. Not sure why it’s a theme, right now. I’m not the one starting these conversations.

    But I feel soooo confused!!! I don’t know why I haven’t heard from RB since the weekend. I am being so sireny and waterwheeling and radiating all kinds of good energy. I know I am sireny because of all the attention I am getting – except from him! lol. But we did just spend the weekend together. That’s probably why I am confused. Going into withdrawal…gotta keep it together, chicky.

    I even reached out to him again this morning. Not with any expectation, really. I just told him the truth. There’s this dance form we both like, and last night when I was at class, it struck me that I would have liked it so much if he was there. So I texted him this morning:

    “I missed you last night. I wished you were at the dance class with me :-)”

    I mean, just that.

    No response.

    And now I feel so anxious that i’ve sent it. I wonder/worry if I am pushing him away. I don’t want to push him away. So I am practicing Trusting (or trying to). I am IMAGINING that i trust him, wholeheartedly. When I did this, in the shower, I started crying. Because it is something I never do. I never trust ANYONE without good reason. or even with good reason, actually. I KNOW that he’s trustworthy. He’s probably even more trustworthy than I know. I am just being a silly girl. yes, very silly. he knows you can trust him. He’s not going to let you down. He wants to be with you. You don’t need to convince him. He ALREADY feels it. Whew. okay.

    I feel a little bit better.



  366.  #367Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    I did it! I got the guts to do a really uncomfortable feeling message! I wrote:

    Hi John,

    Thank you! I had a great time, too, and thanks again for the terrific hamburger! No problem about the mix-up. I would like to see you again, too…

    …and I feel really awkward saying this, but I felt kinda grossed out about seeing…and smelling…your brown teeth. I don’t want to make you feel bad, but I felt turned off from kissing you. Is this something you think you will have fixed in the future?

    No offense intended…just being real here.
    Brenda



  367.  #368LobbyStar on August 24, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Debate Guy said that not talking to me at all was the only way he knew to tell me that he hates arguing.

    What???

    This is a guy who claims to want a woman with self-esteem and opinions, both of which, I have an abundance. So… his dream woman must always agree with him? Or she should have opinions, but not express them? I feel confused by this. And a little amused.

    I have a feeling he will be back.



  368.  #369Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    RE 369 Lobbystar what came to mind is that sometimes we can give too much of a good thing also.



  369.  #370Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    And I keep writing out more letters to Vbar.

    that’s not counting the zillions that I’ve written in my head.

    Giving him too much mental real-estate is what.

    I want to “clear” it, but I am unclear as to whether it is best to accept the uncertainty of I don’t know what is going on, or what, if anything, might happen, or express a certainty of feeling on my end that, even though I reaaaally really like him, and a lot of things about him, I also know that he just isn’t what I am looking for.

    Thoughts?



  370.  #371mary on August 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    KS,

    hmmmm… thank you, and i’m sorry for your NVs!

    this guy looks like the best boyfriend anyone could imagine! he calls when he should call, he pays when he should pay (we’re together a lot and occasionally i pay, too), he’s THERE for me when i need anything. he wants to be together all the time.

    he’s also very handsome and affectionate.

    it’s just that i’m realizing that some things don’t work:

    * our financial situations are upside down (i have more)

    * we don’t have the same financial goals (i’d like a nice place to live and the ability to fly back and forth to see my kids – he’s content with having nothing, going nowhere and working less and less) – hmmmm… what’s his plan for retirement? me?

    * i come from a show home environment and he comes from a cosmopolitan, open house, live-in-the-yard environment. there are old cars, boats and projects everywhere at his place, and people drop from the sky at dinnertime quite often. i live in a beautiful condo and people make plans with me before they come over. (i’m attracted to his way of life but is it me? it seems not to be)

    *i like to make plans and do them! go to plays, take in an art fair, go for a walk, etc. but his life is only spontaneous, so we usually just hang out at home all the time. we have nice dinners! (but i’ve gained weight.)

    * when he gets mad he says F you and calls me bitch. wow, how did i get to be this age and that’s never happened before? i don’t even know anyone else who uses that language. he also smacks me on the bum in public and that’s not appropriate in my world.

    * he says i’m stubborn when he doesn’t want to back down from his position

    *he yells when he gets upset! and i made a promise to myself when my husband and i divorced that no man would yell at me again. (do all men yell?)

    Hmmmm…

    it helps a little to write this out. i feel like fussing.

    is this what i really want, long term?

    is this why i tool myself off the market?

    is this why i’m not making the most of being single while i’m single?

    hmmmmm…



  371.  #372Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Alias Girl,

    Re: #346 – I am going to try to work out what I can. The problem is, I have been operating in and out of the negative balance in my account since June, when my unemployment was paused. I don’t have anything to offer, maybe $300 that’s it. FEW landlords will let you in without at least one month’s rent, and most require one month plus a security deposit.

    I will be doing well simply to find an apartment that allows dogs and cats. When they flex that far to begin with, most don’t want to move in a tenant with virtually nothing. Sure, I can ask, but it’s doubtful.



  372.  #373tinque on August 24, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Emerson –
    ““So I’m curious why you have never been married….have you ever been close. How long ago was your last serious relationship?””

    None of your f*ing business.

    I hate questions like this. They feel so intrusive and abusive.

    You can say: “I don’t really want to talk about this, but suffice it to say, I have not yet met that one special guy who sends me.”

    Or something like this.

    xxoo



  373.  #374Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 1:20 pm

    I got a response from John already:

    Yea, it is on the list of things to get fixed. I didn’t really take
    care of them when I was younger, but have been trying to these days.
    Ultimately I think I might just get them pulled and get dentures, not
    sure on that one yet. They are a lot better now than they used to be.
    Sorry

    Hi John,

    Maybe a dentist can recommend some good ideas to you, like veneers. There are a lot of options these days. I hope I didn’t make you feel too weird. I feel uncomfortable bringing it up, but I decided it’s kind of a big issue to me. Thanks for taking it in stride.

    Hope you’re enjoying this beautiful weather! I felt so refreshed in the swimming pool earlier!

    Brenda



  374.  #375Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Tinque,

    RE: #374 – Love it! I hate that question, too, and I really like your suggestion!!



  375.  #376English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    SSoooo just some thoughts/feelings that have been cropping up for me these past few weeks, and Daria and Brenda I know you have been on this blog a long time and not meaning to cast aspersions here but other than Nancy and maybe Lucy I don’t see all this stuff working long time for any woman……..sure there is the value of leaning back and not getting hooked into the man crack of any man……….but REALLY are there any long term happy ever afters going on here? I look at my own family, none of them doing CDíng yet they SEEM to be in happy ever after relationships………and I have taken on board Ella’s posts on the same subject……..



  376.  #377English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    Basically is this all a load of ****? Yes there is some merit in leaning back and holding out, but do you have to date LOTS of men at one time to get your happy ever after?

    Sometimes it feels so tiresome and bothersome to me to CD, can’t you just meet one man and court, and get engaged and live the happy ever after lifr? Is that too much to expect?

    It seems to be what other people do in the real world………….



  377.  #378Silver-Tongued Siren on August 24, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    #358 FeminineWoman:

    “She says if he says you could call also, you can validate his feelings/needs of maybe being overwhelmed with work and needing to feel significant also.”

    Thanks so much for your answer! To include more details, we are not in an exclusive relationship, so therefore, not in one period. Yes, I do call him – WHEN he is already keeping in very close contact with me. If he’s contacting me several times a week/daily, I will occasionally initiate the contact.

    When he’s not regularly contacting me, I feel uncomfortable initiating contact. I feel like it’s leaning forward too much. And certainly I can see doing it once in a while as you are saying, but never regularly.

    I have been working for a while now to establish this communication pattern. So the past several months this has gone very well, lots of regular contact.

    I have gotten a little freaked out the last few weeks, when he suddenly stopped, and I think it is partially to do with someone else (also maybe the cause of the “open relationship” comment). I thought I had established this habit, but good news, he just wrote me. I had written a small note in reply to his request for help from everyone who lives in my town, and he replied just now. The first words out of his mouth were “Sorry I have been out of touch” (after “thank you”.. can’t go wrong with those two phrases.) HE KNOWS.

    “But after validating that you can appreciate that he was overwhelmed with his busy schedule share that you want to experience that he is thinking about you and how you feel when you call him.”

    Hmm. I would feel vulnerable saying this, but I think I somewhat explained this to him once, so I can do it again if need be.

    “She also suggests saying something for him to work out the logistics of him calling. It seems when in a relationship the dynamics change and the mindset should be how do we do this together to make this thing work, teammate kind of mentality.”

    Do you mean.. asking when I will hear from him? Or.. “I would feel good if we made a plan to talk soon- what do you think?”??

    I will have to go back and listen to this interview I missed. Simply don’t have the time to read/listen to everything here and there is so much good material and so many wonderful posts from everyone!!!!

    Thank you so much for your insight, I love your posts.



  378.  #379Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    EW seems like mostly when that happen people come back to the blog less. But Tinque is one and Mercedes disappeared recently.



  379.  #380tinque on August 24, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    There have been many over the years English Woman. Most do not return once they have found what they have been seeking.

    I have been in a fabulous relationship for over nine years. I come here to help when I can.

    Mercedes is another.

    The rest I have not known personally so cannot name by name. Occasionally someone will post a thank you for having helped turn a relationship around or having found their special guy.

    Feel better?

    xxoo



  380.  #381Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    SilverTonguedSiren

    She mentioned setting an alarm or using some kind of calender to help him remember what he promised. I encourage you to listen to the interview, there was a lot of good info in it.



  381.  #382Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    There was also a Susan and Nancy recently.



  382.  #383Silver-Tongued Siren on August 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    the note I just received:

    “Thank you!
    Sorry for being out of touch. Are you busy this weekend? I was thinking of coming up to visit, if y’all were around. Probably only for the day on Saturday or Sunday because of work.
    I miss you and mr. Cloud. I have a ton of stuff for him. Books and DVDs and a couple toys. Oh and clothes. A friend of mine was showing me all the cool stuff they have for kids, even preschoolers, for the ipad. It’s like the perfect teaching tool for (our baby) since he wants to be all up in the technology. I have another friend who is about to go to a tech conference where she’s already gotten two other ipads for free as shwag, so I asked her to try for a third as a gift for cloud. Fingers crossed!
    how have you been?”

    Ok Sirens, so I was feeling good about this a minute ago. Now, re-reading it, here is how I feel.

    “Sorry for being out of touch” – But he gives no reason?

    “Are you busy this weekend?” -I am, but I don’t have to be. I am tentatively planning to go to Dallas with Man-I-Live-With this weekend and then camping the next weekend or hang with family….. so I could potentially be busy two weekends in a row before he gets to see me. And after his (Baby’sFather) no contact all week I’m a little pissed. Happy he wants to see me, but mad about not hearing from him ALL WEEK!

    “A friend of mine was showing me all the cool stuff they have for kids, even preschoolers, for the ipad.”
    “I have another friend who is about to go to a tech conference”

    so you have time to hang out with “friends” but no time to call me or just TEXT me a couple times a day??? Rrrrrr.

    How do YOU all feel about lack of contact? Should I ask why I haven’t heard from him? Or just let him know yes it felt bad and leave it at that? Should I be busy since he’s been too busy to contact me for a week?

    I’m having trouble discerning these things at the moment. Feeling confused and need to get back to getting dressed for the fashion show tonight.



  383.  #384Daria on August 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Silver-Tongued – i do take dates the day of, im not uber busy yet… and i have always been spontaneous… it works for me for now…

    im thnking it might make my life more fun if i start planning in my fun and will also have less “lonely – bored times” too

    with this guy i first talked to him yesterday and he asked me then to meet today



  384.  #385Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    RE 378 It can happen EW but CDating is taking care of your own needs rather than waiting for lightning to strike. CDating is therapy to get your vibe so high that when Mr. Right comes along he won’t want to leave you. It is not about getting the happily ever after. At least not for me. Cdating helps me get rid of my fears of being out there, and helps me to be comfortable speaking my truth to these men. I also feel really tickled just thinking about these men being so enarmored by me. Just this week one told me when he looked at my situation in comparison to his job he weeded himself out. Another was tripping over himself proposing to me. I had decided to take my time for the best to rise to the top.



  385.  #386English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    #381 Tinque

    Well not really to be honest, the happy ever afters even doing this RR stuff seem to be few and far between, not casting aspersions here but I look around at my own family and they all seem to be doing pretty good without all this CD stuff……….as far as I know…………



  386.  #387Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    RE 384 You don’t seem to be in a relationship with him and I am asking myself why would you drop your plans to prioritize him.



  387.  #388Daria on August 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Silver – I would pay attention to how i’m feeling…

    ‘it feels great to hear from you… and i so appreciate your ideas for the baby!… and i feel uncomfortable to bring this up but it feels really important to be honest… the truth is i feel kinda angry to not have contact for so long… that doesn’t work for me… what do you think we can do?”

    something liek that

    etiher way, if you are not getting what you want in the relationship… the only way to shift it is to take your focus on him (ie. circular date) , appreciate eveyrthing he Does to step up, and share true feelings in feeling messages



  388.  #389Silver-Tongued Siren on August 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    I think he kind of had to respond to me since I initiated a response to him on his request for help from everyone.

    Maybe I should hold off on letting him visit until he is back in regular communication.

    Anyone have any advice?



  389.  #390English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    #383 FW

    YES Susan and Nancy, 2 women in what a year since I first latched onto this blog, and oh maybe Lucy, really it’s not too many is it?

    I am not being bitchy or picky here but the success rate really isn’t that high…….



  390.  #391English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    Just my own thoughts, feeling a little bit dissatisfied and meh here………………….



  391.  #392Daria on August 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    if you were not focused on him you would not even notice that he did not call you (kind of hard to believe i know since you have a young child… )

    and… none of his message is about romance or you… seems he is interested in being a good father to this baby…

    but there is nothing about pursuing you here



  392.  #393Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Well EW the other reality is that you can choose not to do it. The point of doing it is doing something different to produce different results. If you feel you can hone in on one and produce the happily ever after then go for it. Cdating is meant to put you back in the driver’s seat of your life and take your power back. That works for me. Guys who I have focussed on in the past came back and asked “what happened?. I don’t even know what happened”. I have come to the conclusion that it was partly the energy exchange. One cd told me point blank that he does not like anyone focussing in on him.



  393.  #394Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    RE 392 I totally understand and I do believe it is good to process your thoughts to help clear your head about your beliefs.



  394.  #395Donna on August 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Hi Ladies,

    Thanks so much for the advice about circular dating. I just read How to Have the Relationship You Want, and am reading the newsletters as they come in. I have implemented some of the techniques suggested and they do seem to be working a little bit. But I’m still really confused about what to do in some situations.

    I’ve been married for almost 16 years. The first 12 years of my marriage I would have told you I had the most wonderful, perfect man to be found. We were very close, frequently intimate, and completely happy. Never once did I feel unloved or unwanted.

    Two years ago, due to the aquisition of a new business, things went down the tubes quickly. My husband threw himself into the business and while he was still present physically, basically abandoned me emotionally. The angrier I got, the more he stayed away and the more distant he got. Finally, we had a conversation about splitting up. Neither of us wanted that and we stayed together and he got rid of the business. But by that time, my trust and security was out the window. I was pretty much devestated that he would even consider a divorce.

    Almost immediately after that, I had severe health issues that lasted for almost a year, culminating to a hysterectomy. That year, for various reasons, cause our sex life to almost disappear.

    The thing is, now the business is gone, my health is back, but the relationship hasn’t recovered. He isn’t interested in sex. He says it because of stress, etc. We don’t talk any more. He has a couple of female friends that he texts with a lot which bothers me greatly. I know he’s not cheating, and I know, because I snooped, that he’s not even talking to them inappropriately, but he listens to their problems, and I know of a couple of occasions where he has discussed me with them. And yet, he’s not talking to me. We sit in silence in front of the tv most nights. We go to bed with our backs to each other. We go days without touching.

    He swears he loves me. I wish I could believe him. I wish I could get rid of the panicky, desperate feeling in the pit of my stomach that my marriage is clinging by a thread.

    I did practice one of Rori’s suggestions just last night. We were out on the back deck with guests and he had to take a call. After he had not returned in an hour, the guests left and I wandered into the living room where he was watching a ball game. I asked why he didn’t rejoin us and he told me that he thought everyone had left. I asked him if he didn’t wonder where I had been for the last hour and he said, “Not really. I just thought you were doing stuff.”

    This really hurt me, but I didn’t say anything. I withdrew and just focused on myself for a minute and quit thinking about it. I turned to the tv. After a few minutes, he suddenly began talking to me. Nothing in particular, just small talk, but it’s something we don’t do much of any more. So I feel that not reacting definitely helped.

    I’d really love it if someone can offer me a few more day to day tips that can help me get back to being a strong woman again instead of the quivering mass of jelly I feel like now. And that would help me get back my wonderful marriage to my wonderful husband.

    I want to feel cherished again.

    Thanks in advance!



  395.  #396Daria on August 24, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Silver – i would also appreciate his apology..

    ‘thank you for apologizing… it doesnt’ feel good to be out of touch that way’



  396.  #397Corin on August 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    299 Gingerskiy. Thank you for sharing that!I feel lessalone and judging of myself.

    Lobbystar- Can’t find the comment number again sorry but I read you beating yourself up for debating with a CD. This may not be Rori- style and I appreciate that attraction is fundamentally built on vulnerability and emotions, but I really believe debate creates attraction too! My ex actually said (after I tried to be more Pure Rori with him) that he NEEDS a relationship where he can debate. If a guy backs off after that, he’s not the right one.



  397.  #398Daria on August 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Donna – you are Rori’s ‘classic’ client! This is the situation she was in with her husband when she turned everything around… and what inspired her to create her book

    so you have all the hope in the world!

    and so your work is to Really get this and start practicing as many of the tools as you can, around the clock

    now. some tweaking:

    you said you practiced some of Rori’s tools – which ones

    “I asked why he didn’t rejoin us and he told me that he thought everyone had left. I asked him if he didn’t wonder where I had been for the last hour and he said, “Not really. I just thought you were doing stuff.””

    this is leaning forward

    asking him anything like that – is leaning forward, and unfortunately worse! its “asking the innocent question” – it comes off as disrespectful to a man, AND disturbingly dishonest

    check out the back of the book where Rori talks about translations – his business and your business
    and the 4 rules of what NOT (yes never) to say to a man:

    warn him, coax, beg, advise , ask the innocent q – ‘why did you do that?’

    so for you, lean back… dont approach him, wait for him to approach you

    and now… super important… FEELING MESSAGES

    you’re going to get in touch with what you feel, and start expressing that in a non blaming, not about him way

    this will start to make a huge change in your relationship right away!

    we are here for you to support you!



  398.  #399Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Donna is there anything you do in your own life, outside of him?



  399.  #400Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    English Woman,

    RE: #377-378 – Hello, have you been having krumpets and tea with multiple men? If so, have you been finding it unsuccessful? What don’t you like about circular dating?

    I will quote a few Sirens who have had recent success stories:

    Honey wrote:

    I haven’t been on here in a really long time…but I did want to send out a word of encouragement for everyone and let you know I’M GETTING MARRIED in about 2 weeks.

    This program worked really well for me because it helped me to change myself. With all due respect for Rori, I do not think this is the program for every woman (like someone who tends to be on the narcicistic side), but for someone like me, it was perfect. I still have tendency to over function and be too bossy and controlling, but I’m continuing to work on it, not only for my husband, but for myself. I’m great at giving, and it was really a challenge to learn to RECEIVE, but for me, it was key. My husband-to-be is a wonderful man – kind, accepting, committed to my kids (even with their disabilities), makes a very good living, is fine with me working or staying home, and is very supportive. He doesn’t want anything from me – I don’t need to “fix” anything. Sometimes it’s hard for me to let go and trust him to take care of things, but as I have done so, he has been fully willing and capable of stepping up. He LIKES taking care of things. He LIKES being the man and letting me be the woman. I do go into my masculine energy sometimes, and that works for us, especially regarding taking care of family matters or helping him with his business…but we are both more comfortable when I am predominantly in my feminine energy. He really doesn’t want anything from me but for me to be happy and to appreciate him. I hope to continue to work on myself with the things I have learned from Rori and the other lovely ladies on this website.

    I would encourage you to be open to all kinds of men. I might have passed my fiance by because he wasn’t my usual “type”. I did not feel an initial spark, but took Rori’s advice and let him kiss me, and found there was something there. He wasn’t the super-masculine type that I usually go for, but I kept open to looking for HIS type of masculinity and it wasn’t that hard to find. His ex-wife was very emasculating and it has been interesting to see him come into his own masculinity within our relationship. He is a real gem and I am very blessed. I feel like he came into my life when I was ready for someone like him. Our relationship just flows – it is so easy – we are just on the same wavelength.

    Anyway, Ladies, I’m off to Maui in a couple weeks to get married. I just wanted to say, “hang in there”. This stuff really works! And thanks to everyone here for your help and support!

    Elizabeth Carr says:

    Elizabeth CArr says:

    Hi, I’ve been a follower of Rori for 6 yrs now. When her only product was her book. I was sitting alone on Christmas eve, confused at how my relationship was broken up, and I found her e-book on the internet.
    I order it shortly after that night and immediately started living the way coaches and I’m happy to say “It does work!” I’m now living with that same guy who pushed me away, and he’s so in love with me today, after 7yrs of being together. He actually loves me more and more as time goes on and I’m loving myself more and more. I’m deeply grateful to coach Rori. I’ve bought all her programs and re-visit them when there’s any little dip in the “juicy” in my relationship, or when a girlfriend of mine is having issues I can support her with my knowledge, to get her out of the “acute” situation. I always though refer them to Rori for she’s truly the goddess of healthy happy loving relationship. xo
    Elizabeth Carr

    English Woman,

    One of my favorite quotes is:

    “You don’t know what is til you know what ain’t!” ~ Burt Rosenberg

    I know, I know, it isn’t the Queens’ proper English! But it gets the point across that sometimes you don’t really find the right answer until you’ve experienced the failure of all the wrong answers.

    We have been in relationships and failed. Rori has been in relationships and succeeded. So let’s not take her word for it: let’s try it!

    Before I found Rori’s programs, I was floundering along in my relationship with R. We were exclusive, and we dated almost every single night for 10 months. Because I wasn’t Circular Dating, I was at his mercy for when he would deepen our relationship. I just felt weak and hopeless, like a mouse between the paws of a young cat who just caught his first mouse and didn’t know what to do with it!

    If we meet a mature man who knows what he wants and is ready for commitment and marriage, fine. But many men are scared of commitment. Circular Dating works! But don’t take anyone’s word for it – try it! And if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!

    I don’t like dating. I am forcing myself to date. But that’s because I don’t want a repeat of 2009. I feel so excited that R is my friend again! But I’m not going to commit myself to him this time around until he commits to me. It feels hard sometimes, but I think Rori has some really wise emotional intelligence, and I sure as hell know MY way wasn’t working the past 47 years!

    What are your specific concerns and questions?

    Love, Brenda



  400.  #401Daria on August 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Lobbystar – feeling all hot inside now to say something different from Corin

    but yes debate is NOT the way to go with a masculine energy man

    it will either turn him off… if he’s a very masculine guy.. or put him in friend mode

    then when he said to you you debated… – you want to AGREE with him

    yes you’re right i did do taht! sorry!

    not defend youreself – defend = closed – that i just was givng my opinion not debating

    if there is any tiny truth in waht he says, SEIZE UPON IT AND OWN IT

    that will diffuse his ‘resistance and attack’ mode

    and he might be back… so be ready to practice not falling into the debate trap again!

    awesome practice for you! yay!



  401.  #402Jade on August 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    #378 – EW:

    Basically is this all a load of ****? Yes there is some merit in leaning back and holding out, but do you have to date LOTS of men at one time to get your happy ever after?

    Sometimes it feels so tiresome and bothersome to me to CD, can’t you just meet one man and court, and get engaged and live the happy ever after lifr? Is that too much to expect?

    It seems to be what other people do in the real world………….

    ***************************************

    I have been reading the blog ever since I got back together with my sweetie, just not posting because I didn’t really feel that you gals cared.

    It’s funny that you mention how the whole leaning back and CDing seems to be full of crap because that’s exactly what I HAVEN’T been doing and yet, I am back with him and things couldn’t be better.

    I really resent your attitude (all of you). I felt that as soon as I showed some happiness, you gals totally ignored me.

    Do we have to come here with a heartbreak to get some support? Not when we’re happy? Makes no sense to me…

    I felt that because I didn’t follow Rori’s tools and rules, I wasn’t worthy of attention. It really sucks because I like this blog but I don’t feel like I belong.



  402.  #403Daria on August 24, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    My CD asked me for help with relaxation

    and i ‘got into my yang energy ‘

    and gave him a pointer

    and then he turned it around and said some flirty stuff

    so i had to get back into yin 🙂

    haha amusing how men will switch it up and try to get bakc in the yang

    interesante



  403.  #404Susan on August 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    re: 378: English Woman

    I understand your frustration, I really do. And I am currently enjoying a wonderful relationship with a great guy who I dated for a few months about 5 years ago and then he dumped me. I was thrilled when he got in contact after 4 years of no contact at all. Early in our relationship the second time around, he was showing signs of backing out again and that is when I found Rori. I realized I was over functioning a lot and leaning forward a lot. I changed how I behaved and he stepped up. He still swings back and forth a little – it isn’t completely a fairy tale relationship. But he is a good guy and he responds to what Rori teaches. That being said, I don’t use feeling messages all the time and I do call him occasionally (after he asked me to call him whenever I wanted) and I do drive out to him when he requests it. I’m not as passive as some people recommend here. I’m not saying it is wrong ~ it just isn’t a good fit for me. Still… in the bedroom and on the dance floor he is the complete boss and we both like it that way.

    Cute story ~ We were at dance lessons and the instructor separated the men and women and later told the men to go to the women. In most cases, the men stood still and the women went to the men. The instructor was saying “No, No! Do it again. The women wait for the men to go to them, not the other way around!” I was the only woman who stood and waited for her man.

    Next month, we will have been together for a year. Without Rori’s help, I doubt that would be true. For me, this works.



  404.  #405Corin on August 24, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Daria,

    I respect your difference in opinion regarding debating. I’m trying to find a right balance and am not ready to give up debating yet. However I’m more aware of when I’m debating to mask my feelings about something and when I’m simply debating for the pleasure of that energy alone. Who knows what’s right. What feels good I suppose
    xxx



  405.  #406Donna on August 24, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Daria,

    Re 399: Wow, when you put it that way, maybe I didn’t do as well as I thought I had. I thought that by not reacting (saying anything or getting mad) to his reply, I was being effective. This is one of the tools I have been using. Just not saying anything, or getting angry. Another thing I have been doing is not dwelling on things. Putting the thoughts firmly out of my head when they appear. I haven’t been searching for things to say or reasons for us to talk. I’ve been letting him come up with stuff to talk about and it seems to be working.

    I did run across something I don’t quite know how to handle. That’s the texting issue. We used to text back and forth all day. That hasn’t happened in a long while. If it does, it’s because I text him. I’ve pretty much stopped doing that. Now, when he does text me, I’m not sure whether I should keep up the conversation or just respond and let it go? On one hand, I feel like being open means that if he starts a conversation, I should keep up my end. On the other hand, I feel like if he wants to talk to me, he’ll find things to say….

    Femininewoman,
    Re 400: Not a whole lot, I guess. I work, I am currently going to school online to get my degree, and we have two teenage children who require a lot of shuttling around for sports, school activities, etc. That’s about it.



  406.  #407Corin on August 24, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    EW, I am getting pretty impressive results with leaning back and FMs. I’ve just got off the phone with a CD who has shared how today he is thinking about financial planning for a wedding and sending kids to college. With him I told him before our first date that I want to get married and have kids and will not be exclusive unless this is on the cards. He loved my honesty and said that due to my emotional honesty, he believes he has been more open and vulnerable with me than any previous girl. He then also initiated conversations about whether that would mean I would live with someone before marriage etc and is clearly considering how he can fit into my vision of the future. I have been leaning back and I could not ask him to step up any more. This is all after one date!

    For me it also brought amazing results with my ex, the only problem being that I stopped CDing and got hung up on him and then he promptly stalled.



  407.  #408tinque on August 24, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    English Woman – There are no hard and fast rules here. These are guidelines. If actual dating is burning you out, CD by flirting, making eye contact, striking up casual conversation with whomever.

    Leaning back doesn’t mean never, ever initiating contact though in the early stages it’s usually a good way to go, but once you’ve been dating for awhile and certainly if you are exclusive, it’s okay to initiate sometimes.

    Feeling messages don’t have to be used all the time. I use them when I want to be clear that I’m feeling good or not. I don’t use them for everything. I’m at the point where they more or less flow on their own.

    It is good practice for people new to this work because it helps you discover what it is you are actually feeling, something you may not have realized or thought about much.

    Does this help?

    xxoo



  408.  #409Daria on August 24, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    I got a guy teeling me he misses me and putting up me “i miss her” songs on fb

    i got my lover back in the bay saying ive got the best nani in the world and he desnt want anyone else and he’s ready to be married but im not

    i got a new cd spending hours talking to me on videochat and putting on sexy shows for me

    and i got lots of others writing me and i have a new cd now here

    oh this feels lovely 🙂



  409.  #410Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    RE 403 Jade I am sorry to hear that was you experience. I am also happy to hear things are working out for you though.



  410.  #411Daria on August 24, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    i feel like hawkman is my boyfriend

    i notice i kinda call him my boyfriend sometimes

    its ok i can have lots of boyfriends

    yes!

    and he is ok

    he was trying to get me to tell him if i had sex with anyone else and saying he wont be mad

    he said he knows its my busines.. i said yeah it is

    then im like whoa where did the feeling messages go

    i feel really comfortable with him
    this feels good and pleasant like no work from me

    yay

    he said hes getting his license in a month and also has some money and getting a car so he can ‘swoop’ me when i am back

    he wants to meet my parents but i said not until im engaged



  411.  #412luzydel on August 24, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    What id I stop Cding each time I meet someone interesting and decide to concentrate on that person?

    What if it doesn’t work out?

    What if it does?

    How could I ever know?

    So I have time for one CD at a time. I work a lot, have a son and do other activities…So my free time can be spend with one CD at a time…and I know other women here will ‘judge’ me and say I need to CD at least 3 until I get a ring….and I will say I will do what I want and I will take my chances…If this cd leaves I go back and get a new cd. And if I get hurt? so? I will be fine and I do things my way and the best way they work for me…



  412.  #413Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    EW – I don’t think it’s a “load of crap,” but I think this is all stuff that that you can take, and adapt it to your life, however it works. Of course there are lots of other ways to approach dating. Most people don’t know about “circular dating.” But if they did, perhaps it would improve their lives? Maybe you could look at ways in which your family and friends who get into their relationships “the normal way” are CDing without even realizing it? Because, at least the way I interpret it, CDing is about taking care of ourselves, first. Being our own best friends. And that’s something a lot of us have to learn from scratch.

    Many of us are or have been wounded in the past, and we need these kinds of exercises to build us up and support us while we recover. For people who have not been so deeply wounded, maybe they don’t need exercises like this. And I know that, for myself, I take Rori’s advice and wisdom, and I combine it with a lot of other advice and wisdom that is out there. Then I come to my own conclusions about what is right for me.

    ~~~~~~~~~

    Jade:

    I felt sad reading your message, too. But it was odd, because I actually had an opposite experience. I recently had the feeling that everyone on the blog was writing about happy experiences and I was the only one not finding my guy! Go figure…

    But I say it doesn’t matter *how* you found him. If you do what’s natural to you, that’s what counts.

    It’s just harder for some of us to figure out what that is (odd as that may sound), so we need this like “training wheels,” sort of. Or we just come here to vent 🙂 But, as far as I can recall, I was always happy to have your voice here.

    And I love knowing that you took a different approach, and it worked for you, and you’re happy!



  413.  #414AmazingMe on August 24, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    So one more day of my study boot camp for boards! I am making it through and found out I could take another review for free in my area so takin another study boot camp next week! I am scheduling this test and going to Ohio to pass it:) Yay me, I am tired and overwhelmed but nervous and excited.All at the same time, I love my OCDish behavior..lol. I am in good spirits even though I want to pass out and it is only 845 pm here. Well this is all part of the process right?! You have to work hard to build the lifestyle you want and deserve. I am rambling..my bad



  414.  #415Daria on August 24, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    yay just got inspired and worked on the drawing i made before some more!

    it was inspired by a certain artist and i just looked at some of her paintings again and saw some more elements taht inspired me adn the page also has some great feeling reggae music so yay!



  415.  #416Daria on August 24, 2011 at 5:59 pm

    I don’t have to work hard to build the lifestyle i want and deserve but i do touch my brave spot and keep going with love and awareness



  416.  #417Daria on August 24, 2011 at 6:06 pm

    ~\/~
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
    <3 <3
    <3 dARIA 🙂 <3
    <3 <3
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3



  417.  #418Daria on August 24, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    for me shaking my head… feeling teary

    i feel so glad to have found out

    about dating and opening my heart to the world

    just healed so many judgements of myself

    my sexuality

    what is worthy about me

    what is there to want

    of where my power is (in my love for me)

    i feel like

    i can get ANY man

    any any any any man

    if a celebrity came to me

    he would be smitten

    mm mm mmm

    singy singy song

    he would say

    wow

    youre the woman of my dreams

    people say

    you can tell

    Daria loves herself

    yes yes yes

    and men say

    wow

    youre a respectful woman

    and theres :Just something about you:

    oh yes they say it about me!! and my tummy is holding it and my cheeks are smiling and my eyes are gold with tearssss

    mmm mmm mmm

    life is blessing me

    goddess of love blessed me

    and showed meeee

    the power of woman

    mmm

    took me a long time

    and i didnt lose a thing

    healing the world

    with my love

    thank u men

    thank you beautiful body

    thank you sweet~heart

    pleasure spreading through me like flowy butter lava



  418.  #419Daria on August 24, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    CDing can feel overwhelming and scary and awful when it brings up all our stuff… and judgements about men (reflections of judgements of ourselves)

    and healing that feels like…

    waking up in the movie where im the heroine

    real life!



  419.  #420Daria on August 24, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    feeling sad about sirens feeling discouraged

    i feel comfortable to know that its all healing…

    experiments help

    once the seed of love Goddess is planted

    it calls for water

    yum yum yum



  420.  #421AmazingMe on August 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Your so awesome Daria!! Right On….I am Awed at your confidence and how you are so open and express your vulnerability. I respect you and have learned a lot from you!!



  421.  #422Daria on August 24, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    thanks amazing me! im feeling like a Goddess right now…



  422.  #423AmazingMe on August 24, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    You feel like a GODDESS because you ARE ONE! At least that is what I tell myself 🙂 You know it is so wierd? I used to look at other women with envy and I wasn’t sure why, like I didn’t have what they had. Well I was right! I don’t have what they have, I have even more! Once I learned that, I never felt like anyone was better than me. I never wanted to be anyone else but me. I love all my qualities and my flaws as they make me the woman I am today and the woman I have always wanted to be.



  423.  #424Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    RE 407 Donna I would try to squeeze something fun that I am passionate about in. Maybe to do while one of the kids is at a sporting event. It will help to take the focus off him and lift your vibe.

    Regarding the texting I would respond. Ignoring it seem disrespectful to me. If he initiates I would experiment with flirting in my response. Just because it feels good to me, not because I want something back. I have where Rori talks about stopping whatever youhave been doing and doing something totally different. Even changing the way you look.



  424.  #425T-Girl on August 24, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    EW – I would like to say that I am a success story, but not because I have been in a relationship with someone for just over 3 months now, but because I have approached this relationship being in the feminine rather than the masculine like in my pre-Rori days. When I inadvertently flip to the masculine I can see the change in my man. I can see where he appreciates me being the girl and letting him be the man. Finding Rori and other dating coaches has really opened my eyes to how I was doing things so wrong before by leaning forward.

    Another aspect to my success story is before I found this site I thought I was unlovable and undesirable and didn’t think that I would ever have someone who really cared for me because I wasn’t worthy. I learned to take care of myself first and only when I loved myself would I have enough love to spill over to someone else. Yes, I am still a work in progress but now I see myself as sexy and desirable and capable of being loved and enjoying the attention I get from my guy. I feel like I am living life right now rather than just existing in it, and not just because I am in a relationship.

    So bottom line, yes, it does work. I am not CD’ing though but I do flirt with men I interact with which is another form of CD’ing.

    I am finding women to be very resistent to “Rori’s way”. In fact, my friends at work all think I’m nuts when I talk about masculine/feminine, but it is working for me so that is what matters to me.



  425.  #426luzydel on August 24, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    So I have another date with this guy, i feel good with him, no rush feelings, no anticipation, i just like being around him. I dont feel like playing the hard to get game with him, if he calls to invite me somewhere and I am availble, I will accept. I am open to whatever really; I don’t know if anyone will understand the feeling of liking myself when I am around him…am I making imaginary plans? def. no!
    But I am discovering a new way of Cding that works for me, Taking the time to get to know each man when they come to my life, they may stay or they may not, but I learn something new each time.

    For me this works better that going on different superficial dates with different men who I got to see only once.



  426.  #427Donna on August 24, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Ok, so Rori just answered my email and reccommended a book called “He’s just not that into it.” Problem is, when I search it online, all I get is ‘he’s just not that into YOU.” Anyone know who the author of this book is, so I can find it?



  427.  #428Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    Watching a movie and the guy just said “I’d rather fight with you than make love to someone else”.



  428.  #429AmazingMe on August 24, 2011 at 8:02 pm

    RE: 429 FW,…that is my favorite saying!!! Also in one of my favorite movies!!! Wedding Date~!!Love it!



  429.  #430LobbyStar on August 24, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    I feel icky tonight. My stomach is just churning and feeling oogy.

    I know that what happened with Debate Guy isn’t my fault. There are obviously issues with him, if a little debate is going to scare him off. This is his issue, not mine. I did nothing wrong.

    But I still feel sad. I really thought he was going to be a good one.

    I went out tonight with a CD for dinner. While I was with him, I felt fine and dandy. Got home and went downhill.

    Now every time I see an email pop up in my inbox, my heart and stomach lurch, thinking it might be from him. This is nuts!! What have I done to myself!? I had no idea I was this hung up on him, but at least I have CDs to keep the craziness away.

    This is his issue, not mine. Just gotta keep reminding myself of this.



  430.  #431Femininewoman on August 24, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    RE 430 I think that was the movie. Really romantic.



  431.  #432Tmizz on August 24, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Ooh, I think maybe I blew it – again. Just when I thought something good was happening. 🙁 I don’t know why I think that. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe when I’m tired I don’t really think straight. I’m just feeling uncomfortable, like I’ve leaned forward, because, at least in the texting area, I’ve given more this week than I’ve received. And darnit, I’d like to receive some, thank you very much!

    When I met RB (again), he said he was thinking of texting me or something. I should have responded, “Well, why didn’t you?” That’s what I want to say to him right now. He’s probably sitting there, thinking, “I want to text her.” And I want to say, “Well, why don’t you??”

    C’mon. Do it. You know you want to 😉



  432.  #433alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    i feel very oof. and off.

    i abandoned myself all day today. and dissociated from my feelings. and did things i didn’t want to do. and overlistened and tried really really hard to make everyone like me.

    i could weep.

    all my old patterns. zoom. right there with me all ding dang day.

    i feel alienated and drained and a little hopeless and sad and

    i don’t want to do that any more.

    🙁

    i’d rather be fired from a hundred thousand jobs. i’d rather be friendless and boyfriendless and sexless for the rest of my life. i’d rather be homeless B*tch. s*ck my a**.

    no more.
    NO MORE!
    NO MAS!

    i felt like a little child trying to dance a thousand dances to please please please other people.

    oh i could weep. i feel tears in my eyes. sniffling nose. blurry eyes.

    stupid people. i left hating them all. because they could be authentic and did not give one care whether i liked them or not

    while i was dancing dancing smiling nodding listening laughing acting interested

    when the truth is

    i am not that interested sometimes. i’m just not.

    ifeel ANGRY>

    HOW DARE PEOPLE TALK AND TALK AND TALK AND TALK and wehn i say something they step all over it and it’s as if i said nothing at all.

    or if say something i think is funny and people don;t even respond.

    THOSE ARE NOT MY PEOPLE.

    I am funny damn it. please. spare me. i lived long enough to know that much.

    F*CK YOU! I HATE YOU!

    quievering lip.

    and then some guy asked me for my number and it felt awkward and the way he handled it i felt turned off and i just wanted him to BE SOMEONE OTHE THAN WHO HE IS because i foundhim slightly attractive so I just wanted to alter his personality and also hi financial status. hehe

    screw off everybody.

    🙁

    i feel so sad.

    i don’t know. i just don;t know. my authentic self is MILES AWAY from who i pretend to be in new social situtaions. i am not her. and i do not really care for HER.

    but i wanted to be accepted. and i don’t want to be put out of the GROUP>

    sobbing, me sobing.i feel my eyes pressing themselves shut and me putting my hands over my eyes and sobbing.

    i just want to fit in and be accepted AS ME.

    anyway. i am learning new skills about how to not get all uptight about people that don;t mean jack sh*t to me. but it would be nice to stop doing my monkey dance because the monkey dance only brings me extreme discomfort and pain.

    i know i will find a better way to be.

    rrrrgh.



  433.  #434Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    (((Alias Girl)))



  434.  #435English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Hey ladies, I didn’t say this RR stuff WAS a load of crap on CD’ing, I was only asking “riffing” if you like, ………… looking for some feedback and I got it so thank you for all your success stories, and sorry Jade that you felt unable to share on here just BECAUSE you were/are doing well.

    No I am not burned out doing it, as I haven’t really done it to be honest, not lately, well only working on myself, but the thought of the dating sites rather than make me feel excited and buzzy makes me feel bleh and vulnerable and can’t be bothered.

    And Ella had brought this same subject up a while ago and I don’t think any (many?) commented, about people all around her who are in relationships doing it the “normal” way and of course once the seed is planted it’s not too much of a stretch to look around with interest at our own family, friends, acquaintances, etc. who have met somebody in the usual way, like my nephew who has just moved in with his girlfriend, well of course I only see the part of their relationship that they exhibit to the world, but they seem to be pretty damn happy……..

    And even coming on the blog when everybody SEEMS to be having bad/sad times with men can affect your mood if you are pretty sensitive, all that hurt and heartbreak, though of course not as bad as it once would have been………….

    So as Byron Katie would say re my questioning CD’ing

    Is That True?

    Do you absolutely know that it’s true?

    etc.
    etc.



  435.  #436Esteemed on August 24, 2011 at 11:17 pm

    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
    <3 <3
    <3 dARIA <3
    <3 <3
    <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3



  436.  #437alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    (((Esteemed))) thank you.



  437.  #438English Woman on August 24, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    Can somebody please explain the Rori Raye Dance Position to me and just what it is?



  438.  #439alias girl on August 24, 2011 at 11:47 pm

    i’ve got options and i have EVEN MORE AND BRIGHTER AND BETTER FEELING AND HAPPIER AND WEALTHIER OPTIONS WHEN I AM

    AUTHENTIC

    PEOPLE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

    LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE

    MY AUTHENTIC SELF.



  439.  #440Starla on August 25, 2011 at 12:43 am

    I feel awful that New Guy has not called me still.

    What happened? I thought this one was, like, consistent and honest when he was saying how much he likes dating me.

    oh well…thank goodness I don’t do the girlfriend thing.

    Spent the night around THREE awesome guys who treated me fabulously. Except for when they made me sing karaoke. Sober.



  440.  #441Starla on August 25, 2011 at 12:50 am

    What if New Guy is feeling insecure? He mentioned to me before that he feels insecure because girls always seem to lose interest in him. Well, I’m not. Unless this is how he sabotages things as a habit…then i WILL lose interest because i am only drawn to healthy relationships. Even if I feel hung up on a guy…I will not act on these feelings…just notice them. I don’t go down paths that lead to unhealthy relationships.

    But it’s just as possible, probably MORE possible, that he really likes me and is scared he is going to screw things up, so he’s pulling back.

    LAME. Be my prince, Mr. New Guy. I only like nice guys, Mr. New Guy… I’m not like the other girls…I feel good giving good nice guys a chance…even if that sounds “boring” to most girls, Mr. New Guy….

    Trying to frame yourself as an a-hole is only going to turn me off and make me feel insecure which will push me away.



  441.  #442Jupiter2 on August 25, 2011 at 2:30 am

    I’m so excited!
    last day of work …tick
    movers and cleaners sorted…tick
    new tenant organised…tick
    family sorted , life organised and getting ready for big fifty something adventure 🙂

    London and Paris for starters yipeee!!!!!!

    I heard today one of my Uni friends died a couple of months ago of cancer . I bought champagne on the way home to celebrate my life , my cure, my future. My joie de vivre is bubbling again at last ,after years in fact..

    heres to my holiday
    and heres to me LIFE !



  442.  #443Jupiter2 on August 25, 2011 at 2:37 am

    Oh , and I have received FOUR emails from Dman telling me I am gorgeous wonderful , feminine etc…and he has told me approximately six times now that he wants to “keep in touch” after my move and during my trip.

    Until he tells me he is divorced and wants a relationship then he is just a CD and I am going to enjoy meeting new people ..YAAAAAYYY

    I also was given a huge box of hand made chocolates, a diary for my travels , several quality music CDs and a big bunch of flowers yesterday!

    I feel valued and special.



  443.  #444Daria on August 25, 2011 at 2:42 am

    yay i woke up feeling amazing!! thank you for bathing omg so different than other days when i was waking up feeling sluggish and sick

    and its a full 2 hours earlier than i expected to wake

    mmm i feel good

    noiw on to my dreams… in a few secs.. (pause)…

    ok so

    fist i was with og and his roomates… somewhere… wehre there was a yard

    and they were moving stuff or something

    i dono

    then i was at a school

    wait i took some kinda hyper bullet subway train there…and i was pretty talkative

    then my mom came to help me talk to my teacher about something… he had like downgraded me unfairly or something

    and then he kept making comments after about how i was being a clown

    and then i was feeling angry and i politely threatened him that i was going to record everything

    but then i thought about it and was tryna put it in feeling messages instead

    but was thinkingand feeling scared they might not work as well, as threateing people with professional consequences i have seen work when my mom does it

    interesting

    i bet they could work, but when i feel angry i feel so shut down and rageful i can barely handle it and don’t think that someone else can notice that energy and actually feel open towards me

    wow cool stuff



  444.  #445Daria on August 25, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Lobbystar – this IS your stuff sweetie

    this is a great opportunity to practice feeling those feelings that draw us into the pits (and into getting hung up on him) when a man pulls away

    also a great time to practice Rosa’s Stop Sign tool to break the thought loops

    and put in some positive thoughts

    and just love yourself through this experience…

    and … its never your fault… its never anyone’s fault…

    but yes some things we do can push men away – getting in masculine energy and debating is one of them –

    they will be back!



  445.  #446Daria on August 25, 2011 at 2:51 am

    wow feel uncomfortable writing ‘sweetie’ it feels so good to read it when rori does it! hmm

    feeling sinky in tummy pouty feelings



  446.  #447Butterfly Wings on August 25, 2011 at 3:10 am

    403: Jade “I really resent your attitude (all of you). I felt that as soon as I showed some happiness, you gals totally ignored me.”

    Jade, I often find that my posts aren’t responded to either, and you know what? I choose to believe it’s because there are a gazillion posts put on here each and every day, that it’s easy for them to be missed.

    It’s not set up like a “proper” forum here (although I wish it was!), so yep things will easily be missed, which often happens to many others as well as I’ve seen. You’re not the only one. Even those with questions because they’re suffering get missed sometimes.

    So don’t take it personally – and congrats for finding your man. 🙂

    Now, EW. As for the CDing thing and if it works, I’m thinking back to when I met my ex hubby (the last one), and even though I wasn’t CDing other men (in fact, I had NO clue about the Rori way cos it was sooo long ago!), I definitely WAS CDing my friends. I made it very clear to him that even though he and I were together, I would continue to go out with my friends without him on a regular basis.

    So I was CDing without even realising, even if I wasn’t actually “dating” other men (I did still flirt though)!

    As for the people around you, as you said, you can only go by what you see, but if they are truly happy, maybe you could learn from them? Do the women have their own activities and interests that don’t include their men? Do they CD their friends/themselves? Observe how they are with their men too, and observe how he reacts. Is he masculine or feminine? What is she?

    When both my marriages ended, everybody was shocked because they thought we were deliriously happy. We were soooo not! So looks CAN be deceiving! 😉

    I have a friend who, to the world, looks like she’s in the perfect marriage, but she’s so not. And when I observe her with her husband, I can literally SEE him withdraw from her when she uses masculine energy! And she does it a lot!

    I don’t think I would’ve been aware of that happening without Rori!

    413: luzydel – I am exclusive with TH although I still talk to other male friends online or meet for coffee sometimes, but yeah I’m not focusing on CDing 3 men in that sense. Most of my CDing is with my girlfriends, my daughters or just me these days and I’m happy with that and it works well.



  447.  #448Daria on August 25, 2011 at 3:18 am

    “I’m a fun, intelligent, strong, romantic and compassionate man looking for someone to hang out with. If something develops from that then so be it. I definitely wouldn’t object to spending time with someone that I adore. Presently pursuing my masters degree at California State University with the goal of obtaining my PHD from either Stanford or CAL, I’m a man who enjoys training(karate), listening/dancing to all types of music(SALSA, soft rock, Spanish rock, hip hop, r&b), traveling, and eating out among other things. A very ambitious man with a will to succeed at whatever I choose. I would like to think that I’m culturally aware. I love learning about people, where they’re from and what experiences they’ve had. I think one thing that separates me from most men is that I’m an understanding person. I know that we all make mistakes and for this reason I try to be very forgiving. I don’t try to change anybody. If two people like each other they’ll do what’s necessary to spend time together. I believe in treating my significant other like a ‘queen’. I don’t expect the way I treat people to be reciprocated although if it is- that’s even better. Anyway I would love to hear from a lady who is beautiful(inside/out), strong, intelligent, sexy and thoughtful(is this too much to ask for nowadays?). I hope to hear from you soon!

    Ciao,
    [divorced man on pof writing daria – me likey this profile]



  448.  #449Jade on August 25, 2011 at 3:21 am

    #428 – Donna:

    I think Rori meant “He’s Just Not That Into You”. I saw the movie last summer, it wasn’t bad, just pretty predictable to me. Here’s a link to the Wiki page.

    Good luck!