Do You Bare Your Past or Keep Secrets

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Because I’m a writer – I tell all.

I write books and novels about my past. And my husband doesn’t read them, nor do I offer them to him to read, nor do I talk about my past.

Why is this?

I’m a person who naturally – and in seeming opposition to my extrovert qualities and professional confessional willingness plays it very “close to the vest.”

It takes a lot for me to allow a person – a new friend, for example, to get inside my personal world, to allow into my fantasies and emotions.

This is a completely different thing than the intimacy of sharing 100% the emotions and fantasies that are happening in the moment in their presence.

Truth is – my husband doesn’t want to know about my past. Not how many men I slept with and what they were like. What it felt like when I was in love with other men in my past.

And he KNOWS he doesn’t want to know. He just isn’t interested.

If he was – he would read my books.

Some men might be seriously interested because they want to JUDGE. You want to stay away from a man like that.

And you may feel compelled to “tell all” in the name of intimacy.

But the past is not your present – and it belongs only to YOU – and how you choose to share it should all have to do with what feels good in the cause of intimacy – and most of the time – the past is useless in the cause of intimacy.

If you have an urge to “confess” – don’t listen to that impulse.

Intimacy is not about not having privacy, or secrets from before you met a man.

On the other hand, if I felt he was curious, or interested in the name of “knowing me deeply inside and out” – I’d consider sharing. I’d consider handing over my books that are publicly available anyway right on Amazon and saying “It would feel good to have you read these so that you know more about the inside of me.

But he KNOWS it’s not a “small thing.”

Does a man really want to know how your feminine soul works? Or does he just want to TOUCH your feminine soul and BE WITH your feminine soul right NOW?

Does he want you to know every last moment of his life that he’s ashamed of, or that brings back nightmares for him? Does he want you to heal him by hearing his confessional?

People develop deep intimacy when they go through things together.

Like the bungee jump on The Bachelor. Can’t beat it for going through something together that brings up primal emotions.

But trying to understand you from how you behaved “then” is very different from connecting with you NOW.

What’s going on is how you are feeling about and framing your OWN past – it’s the peace you’ve not yet established that causes the impulse to confess.

Telling secrets to a girlfriend is very different from telling secrets to your lover.

Writing my secrets through the characters in my novels is very different from telling about the sex and relationships I had when I was 30. Saying “I was wild” suffices for that. Telling a man about your attractions to other men goes into this category.

And so I come back to this – your fantasy life is your own. It doesn’t require “sharing.”

And that goes for your fantasy life, right now – even though you’re in a wonderfully committed relationship!

Intimacy is about having fantasies TOGETHER!

That means kinky sex with you BOTH in the SAME fantasy – or at least sharing your separate ones.

Very very different from choosing to share last night’s dream where an old lover showed up in a big way – whether it was a loving or mean way.

Very very different from choosing to share that you got turned on when you saw his best friend in a bathing suit.

Now – I’m not saying that sharing these things is not a good thing.  Real incredible intimacy would be truly enhanced by being able to say and share ANYTHING – but – trying to jump to that place of absolute sharing when we are all fighting even the small bits of intimacy standing right in front of us – Feeling Messages and the poetry of who we are – that’s a false kind of leap.

When you can share your everyday dreams and anger and fear with him, and he with you…in a way that’s thrilling to both of you and feels safe and luxurious to both of you – then you can make all kinds of forays into higher realms of “radical honesty.”

Until then – it’s totally okay to say “I don’t know…” or “I don’t feel ready to talk about that yet…” It’s okay – because THAT’S telling the truth, too!  And THAT can open up all kinds of discussions too!

I believe we all want instant things. Silver Bullets. Magic Pills. And so we think that taking major leaps will get us past our small obstacles.

And I DO believe that things can shift on a dime – instantly.

But it’s that hoping and wishing that major leaps will somehow take care of the small steps that lie between where we are and where we want to be that’s actually just one more distraction for us. One more avoidance of what really is – and the REAL work there is to do.

Don’t worry about whether or not to share your past. Just share your present.

That’s all that counts.

Love, Rori

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91 Comments

  1.  #1Tina on July 14, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    ooooooh. I dont do that, share my past with him, he doesnt want to know and we are on a need to know basis. He wants to believe he is the ONLY one, im cool with that 🙂



  2.  #2Tina on July 14, 2010 at 2:11 pm

    or at least we share the same issues, being brought up in similiar backgrounds on the rez and stuff, We just know…



  3.  #3Tina on July 14, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    lol @ radicial honesty



  4.  #4moli on July 14, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Does not mentioning that you’re dating other men come into this?

    I don’t want to tell them all about the other guys I’m seeing, But I know they each sense they’re not the only one. I kind of feel dishonest and deceitful not being upfront, but what do I tell them? Do I drop it in the conversation or wait to be asked?

    I don’t want to lie or be evasive when they ask me what I’m doing tomorrow, when the truth is I’m dating another guy tomorrow…

    Thoughts please 🙂



  5.  #5Daria on July 14, 2010 at 4:30 pm

    Rori – can you please talk about wants? is communicating a want forward or lean back?

    esp sexual

    ie – i want to have sex with you right now

    same as it would feel so good to have sex with you right now

    i feel confused…

    what about if i want to say… hang out at a guy who i know’s pool, and i know he likes me…

    what do you think about initiating with… hey i want to go to the pool?



  6.  #6Lizzie on July 14, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    Daria –
    How about: ooooh, I am having this woooonnnnderful fantasy about having sex with you right now, so much yummy pleasure…

    or

    Ohhhh, I am imagining the feeling of having sex with you right now, and it feels just so sensuous and pleasurable…

    definately leaning-in and completely diva



  7.  #7Lizzie on July 14, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    I have learned some pretty significant lessons on what not to say to a man-date. It is difficult because I have adopted kids with my ex and I have no child support and he has no access to them by court order. Men can not understand this. And they find out because they ask or make “dumb” remarks that I can’t let go of. It tends to go like this:

    Man: “So, you are divorced now how long?”
    me: 7 years
    Man: “so you have 2 kids, young adults, on their own I presume?”
    Me: No, they are with me
    Man: so, how old? boy? girl?
    me: boy 12, girl 14
    Man: !!!?
    me: I came late to parenthood by adoption
    Man: !!!?
    Me: Asia
    Man: oh, so are you one week on one week off?
    Me: No – unfortunately he has no access by his choice.
    Man: !!! #$#^& ^&*%$@ @@$#%^
    Me: well, it is by his choice. And we are doing quite fine, my kids are well adjusted – I spent a great deal of effort making sure all was well, and that is why I have only just started dating…

    Like these convos are so incredibly awkward. That is why I just came up with the following line and it seems to be working much more effectively:

    I am a solo mom, with 2 really terrific teens – I happen to really like teens much more than children – the father has chosen not to be a part of their lives and that seems to work just fine for all of us. It has been quite the ride for sure (I put this in because men know to have gotten here, I would have most likely gone through hell so just to make sure I am not out in lala land it is here) and we have worked through a lot of stuff and all is well.
    When they ask for more – I just say “naturally there are character building stories there and maybe one day I will share, right now I feel the present is way more important – it is all about how I feel and right now I am feeling the joy of being with you.
    That seems to stop all further questions, and it lets them off the hook with their own stories. Now I say, just the facts man: years married; number and age of kids; dating long? They love it when I say “just the facts man” as if I was a pretend cop.



  8.  #8Lizzie on July 14, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    OK so I need moral support tonight – Family Guy contacted me a week ago and intimated that we would get together at the end of this week – well it is Wednesday night and I haven’t heard from him. I so want to send him a note-nudge!! I must hold on to myself and lean back. Help me restrain myself!!! Ugh!!!
    Ok, I have work to do….I can do this…. no contact…..lean back….back off chick….don’t get sucked into doing the guy behaviour….LEAN BACK!!! AUGH!!! HELP!



  9.  #9Rori Raye on July 14, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Lizzie – I want to reply to this:
    1. your dialogue is completely unnecessary. It should start like this: “do you have kids?” Then you smile, you feel how much you love them, and you say “I feel so lucky, yes, to have these 2 great kids…they’re teenagers, they feel fabulous to have around…”

    And every other sentence is a Feeling Message!!

    You are so not unusual. You have two teenagers – so? All you need is a man who likes you enough to get to know them, and then will like them…simple…if YOU can be happy – THEY’LL be happy. Stop trying to EXPLAIN things, or EXPLAIN the circumstances. Absolutely IRRELEVANT. Just share your feelings, not your history… Love, Rori



  10.  #10Lizzie on July 14, 2010 at 6:26 pm

    thank you Rori, that approach feels so good it brings tears to my eyes because it is so true, I do feel incredibly blessed



  11.  #11joan on July 14, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    When I was poring over those old blogs/comments, there was a comment from a male poster, which lauded the book, Radical Honesty, by Brad Blanton. Rori responded to this guy poster about how much she liked Blanton as well. So, on the basis of their comments, I decided to check out the book from the library.

    As I usually do with these type books, I skip around first reading what piques my interest. If I find enough of it interesting, then eventually, I go back and read the book from start to finish to get a “soup to nuts” understanding.

    So far with the sections I have read of Radical Honesty, I keep having reactions of “no way”, “never gonna happen”, etc. Blanton is a proponent of a “no-holds-barred, blab it all, withholding is lying” definition of honesty. I’ve been having trouble seeing what Rori appreciated about Blanton’s work. Maybe if I do decide to read the book from start to finish, I will “get it” as to what Rori liked about it, but I don’t want to hold my breath.

    I feel ecstatically grateful and immensely relieved that Rori has written this post. I don’t want to feel as if I’m “lying by omission” because I prefer to choose “Discretion [as] the better part of valor”.



  12.  #12Nikita on July 14, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    Rori,

    I feel torn about telling a man anything that I’d consider “spontaneous information”…… For example; if we find out something that is private for him but we feel weird knowing a “secret” of his. . . maybe we met an ex gf of his and got an earful, or stumbled onto old pictures that may be on a computer….or see him interacting with a woman that was a lover-and is leaning forward in a big way…..showing up unannounced or calling or whatever…. Just info that we might deem embarrassing or private for him but creates icky feelings in us….. I get an image of emotional land mines. . . Or old wounds…..we all have a past but what about when the past intersects briefly with the present???

    Any Sirens have suggestions ?



  13.  #13Nikita on July 14, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Discretion feels sexy….to me…….



  14.  #14dorothea on July 14, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Nikita, I have had to accidentally confront my LI’s past a few times…

    at first i felt icky and insecure but i stayed true to my feelings and boundaries and after just a little bit of time, he booted any trace of this past thing that made me feel bad out of his life.

    sigh, what a nice man he is. hehe.



  15.  #15Lizzie on July 14, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Oh good-siren-girl-Lizzie – I found another type of speed-dating and signed up for August 11. this one is smaller and a dinner style event and a little more pricy so I imagine it will draw a very different crowd than the speed dating thing I attended on Tuesday night. And if Family guy doesn’t step-up well then it tells me everything I need to know about him. NEXT…



  16.  #16Brenda on July 14, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    I appreciate this article. Most of the time when I share my past, it’s to give an example of something I am trying to explain or to explain my personality, why I am like I am.



  17.  #17Nikita on July 14, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    I’ve shared a few things but there is another thing that I’ve kept to myself……..

    I feel good when I share but I also feel like I’m keeping a secret……



  18.  #18Alicia on July 14, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    Brenda I do the same thing..

    Yet, sometimes I never a let a guy in to my past or why I am the way I am out of fear and it does at times effect the present but, I’m learning to “just be” in the present and figure out what memory got triggered or why I am more emotional on certain days.



  19.  #19Ginni on July 15, 2010 at 8:13 am

    Ok, I’m desperate and need help fast… please I have 3 of Rori’s programs i listened and practiced them , have very bad habits of doing all the wrong things, pretendng to be happy, not expressing joy, and so on. My pattern developed from my Dad’s aboniment, to my abusive husband of 20 years. I have been single now for 6 years. I have circular dated, I have had several men fall in love with me, ofcourse all the ones I don’t want ;] My 1st love since my divorce persued me and when I fell in love he dumped me and I was devasted. I have been his best friend ever since. I tried the reconnect program and it worked, but only temporilly.
    Now I am with my match, he’s 6 years younger than me and committed. But he stopped kissing me?
    Today s my birthday, he came over last nite at 12 midnite to wish me Happy Birthday. :>He spent the night and was very loving and we holds hands seeping and made love 3 times …. But,He has never bought me a present? Ever? Christmas he took me on a special day date ? Valentines day he put a special romantic movie on? Now on my Birthday, I want him to buy me something and to passoniatelly kiss me like he used too. He has mentioned my Birthday for 2 weeks now and has been very concerned about making note of the day? Im confused.
    How do I express this without sounded desperate or pathetic? I know I am going to be resentul and ings will go wrong if I on’t talk to him? Please anyone HELP!



  20.  #20Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 8:27 am

    I am feeling anxious with Family Guy – I dont know if I have a date with him sometime in the next few days and I have this compelling desire to send him a note – how does this sound:

    I am feeling confused as it felt like I was being asked to see you again at the end of this week, and I feel really odd now asking if you had a time a date in mind, never the less, I would like to know your thoughts?

    what do you think? Am I leaning way forward?? I feel strange being in limbo or shall I continue to just wait? That just kills me – and yes I am doing all kinds of CD



  21.  #21Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Or how about:

    I am feeling confused as I felt I was being asked to see you again at the end of this week and I was feeling so delighted to do so as I feel so wonderful when I am with you; I am not so comfortable asking if that is on and what you are thinking – what do you think?



  22.  #22Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 8:40 am

    or maybe this:

    I am feeling confused at the moment as I felt I was being asked to see you again at the end of this week and I am so delighted to do so as I feel so wonderful when I am with you; I am not so comfortable asking if getting together is on as I don’t want to put any pressure on either of us – what do you think?



  23.  #23Renee on July 15, 2010 at 8:55 am

    Lizzie,

    I’m fairly new to this blog (thought I’ve been catching up with you guys through a LOT of reading, lol) but it seems to me that would definitely be leaning forward. I completely understand where you’re coming from as I have, on occasion, interacted with men who mention something about getting together but never actually quite get around to making the plans with me…that tells me all I need to know — they’re not willing or capable of rowing the boat.

    I have a question I’d like to place before all you sexy sirens here on this great blog — as I posted on another blog entry, I’ve been seeing a guy long distance for a few weeks now (after emailing/phoning for nearly 2 months prior to our 1st meeting) and I just recently ordered the Committment Blueprint program. While I’m waiting for it to arrive, however, I’d like to initiate some conversations that will bring us closer.

    I suspect, based on the fact that I’ve chosen long distance relationships repeatedly over the past 6 yrs or so, that I have problems with intimacy and am not particularly good at getting emotionally close to men. When I talk with LD guy, we talk about our days, we talk sometimes about politics or religion, and when we first started talking, we talked about what we were looking for in a relationship, but I feel like I’m missing something…what are some suggestions of topics I could broach that would likely bring about more intimate conversation?

    Btw — regarding this post, I am probably guilty of sharing too much from my past re: other men. I don’t share the intimate details (or at least not very often) but I do frequently say things like “I went out with this one guy once who thought he was better than everyone else because he was running for Congress”…I said that to let the man I was talking with know that I didn’t like it when men thought they were somehow better than other people because they’ve managed to assume a secure station in life. But I’m guessing Rori would say that’s a bad idea?



  24.  #24Siena on July 15, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Lizzie, I definitely wouldn’t initiate an email to him at all, but I would feel those feelings fully.

    Next time he calls or emails you and asks you out, you might say, “oh wow, I feel weird. I heard you ask me out for last week, and I don’t want to feel forgotten. So I don’t feel good accepting another date right now unless I’m certain it’s going to happen, what do you think?”

    If he doesn’t get in touch with you to solidify plans, he is in effect standing you up. I would give him one get out of jail free card, but make it clear that you noticed that he didn’t follow through and how it made you feel (without mentioning him at all) and see what he does.

    If he does it again, I wouldn’t see him again.



  25.  #25Siena on July 15, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Hi Renee!

    The way to broach deeper topics I’ve found is not to bring them up, but to totally open your heart when he calls you. Your open heart will naturally steer the conversation to the deeper things without having any agenda to do so. In fact, he’ll probably be compelled to bring those things up if he’s talking to your heart.

    Here’s what I do: when I’m expecting a call, I spend about 5 minutes beforehand just relaxing myself, getting rid of any distractions, and getting in touch with my feelings. Then, when he calls, I literally lay back on a bed or a couch (Rori mentioned somewhere that you can even do this naked), unzip my heart, and talk to him from there, using all feeling messages.

    It makes the conversation intimate, expressive and fun!



  26.  #26Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Renee – I feel that it just might be over; you are so right. He has been busy before and managed to find a few hours for us to meet for drinks and had always booked quite a few days in advance. So I just need to let the hurt and disappointment move through me and out. It is so too bad as I actually felt there was the early inkling of potential with him. I will leave it and focus on my work.

    As for you, I have been in similar situations and am getting better and better not talking about previous dates and relationships. In my thinking head, I consider how I would portray the current guy and how they would like to be talked about – after-all, it says a lot about me if I talk about choosing the wrong guy to play with – from the guy’s perspective does that lump him to being another wrong guy in the portfolio?

    Now that I am really working on getting in touch with how I feel about things, I have noticed that when men talk about their previous relationships, my energy goes way down and I begin to feel sad. A very odd and yet enlightening experience.

    As for deepening a relationship long distance – face to face is the key. Email and telephone keep relationships superficial. Intimacy requires the sharing of energy space, deep soulful eye gazing, sharing breath.



  27.  #27Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 9:23 am

    Thanks Siena – the approach you outlined feels good to me.

    I am curious and hope that you might describe “unzipping” your heart. I am so stuck in my thinking head…

    Interestingly, as I type stuff here, I notice I start out in my thinking head and then re-draft to get it more into feelings I own. I have to stop and think about what I feel! How did you get to that place where you naturally begin in feeling space? And how did expressing those feelings begin to flow so naturally?



  28.  #28Siena on July 15, 2010 at 9:34 am

    Hi Lizzie! Wow, great question!

    When I came to Siren Island 7 months ago, I couldn’t speak in feeling messages at ALL! I would have heart palpitations just writing here things like, “it would feel good to see you”, practicing what I said to men.

    But I practiced and practiced and practiced here, and then on the men who started to show up, and it has become second nature mostly.

    But many times I still have to go to a quiet place and get in touch with my feelings (through my brain I guess) and see how I’m feeling. I usually have to quiet my mind, take a deep breath, and sink into my body to find my feelings.

    Unzipping my heart is literally imagining a silver zipper that goes through the middle of my heart. I mentally unzip it (and it makes the zzzzzipp sound) and what’s inside is all gooey and juicy and feminine. But right underneath that is a core of solid steel. Strong and vibrant. And then I speak from that place, keeping focus on my heart and responding to whatever he says from it.

    A good place to start is here on this blog. It might feel really weird and exposing at first, but you’ll find that it gets easier and will become second nature in no time at all…



  29.  #29Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Oh thank you Siena, I have goosebumps and am feeling tenderness.

    A few years ago, when I was in the process of helping my traumatized children to feel and become human, I invented a story that had continuing chapters. I would lie on the bed of one of them and just invent the story. It fascinates me that I would work so hard to help them discover their hearts, and now it is my turn.

    The story had a series of characters (like my kids), who lived on a street with a “haunted house” at the end of it. But for the kids it wasn’t haunted, only for adults. The kids would go play there…..Then one day, while looking for decorations, deep in the basement, beyond all the spider webs, and under many blankets, deep in the darkness, they came upon a statue of a small girl. The statue was cold and made of stone. Clearly it was very very old because her dress was of an old style. But a very odd thing began to happen, as the children were rubbing the head and shoulders to get the dust off, the statue became warm and began to come to life. The children were not really afraid, but somehow they knew to go slowly. So they went back every day for a whole week, and rubbed the shoulders of the statue, then one day, OMG! she blinked her eyes and came to life! Now, the kids had a big problem….how were they going to teach the child how to BE in the world because she wouldn’t know anything! And now the children had to teach her how to hug and how to hug just long enough so that it feels amazingly good – just like I had to teach you (my kids). And the story went on for a year.

    And now I feel like that stone child was me.
    Thank you Siena.



  30.  #30Renee on July 15, 2010 at 11:25 am

    I feel I’m missing out because I’m so used to taking calls while multi-tasking and I haven’t been engaging my heart fully in our conversations. I would like us to grow closer over the phone — despite the challenge of that — so he’ll be super fired up about seeing me again. Right now we don’t have any plans for another visit, so I’m feeling afraid that things might just slip away with this guy. I’m not in love with him right now, but I feel there’s potential there and wanted to explore that some more and see how it went and whether we would become closer. Maybe the fact that I’m NOT fully engaging my heart in our conversations should tell me something…

    Lizzie — I feel bad for you that you’re having to emotionally “let go” of someone you obviously care about, but it doesn’t seem like he’s leaving you much choice.

    I had a similar relationship a few years ago, or rather, we had a relationship a few years ago that degraded into his calling periodically and mentioning or implying that he wanted to see me, then he’d just drop off the face of the earth until the next time he called.

    The last time he called (a few weeks ago) I told him that I had different standards now of what I expected from someone I date and I didn’t see him measuring up to them. I’m sure that sounds b****y, but I had very deep feelings for this guy and every time he’d call me, he’d get my hopes up that he wanted to reconcile…I guess I wanted to hurt him back in some small way.

    Anyway, my comments led him to apologize for the way he had treated me in the past (repeatedly, I might add) but you know what? Even during that last phone call, he mentioned getting together (after all his apologies) but never got around to making it happen and just dropped off the face of the earth again…I had to realize he was never going to be the man I needed him to be.



  31.  #31Christy on July 15, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Hi all! What interesting comments. Have been trying Rori’s way and I must say it does work. Giving up control for us girls is a toughie I think. We like to be able to pick the guy, make the date, plan the date and then end the date our way–lol. All this WAITING!!! Anyway thanks for the interesting stories and Lizzie as a divorced mom of 4 I am right there with ya!



  32.  #32Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 11:55 am

    Renee – it makes me wonder about the women who say they were the ones who chased they guy until he caught her – how do they get away with it? How do they manage to initiate and not get all yucky feeling?
    I have found it sure feels awesome to get the call, email asking for a date! And so if they aren’t stepping up at the early stage of a possible relationship or dating, it is sure showing they won’t be stepping up when in a committed relationship or when we will really be needing them the most – does it? I guess that is what Rori refers to as the imaginary relationship. I have gone and created an imaginary relationship based on 4 awesome dates. What I find so amazing is that in my world of buisness I can read a person’s behaviour really really well; but when it comes to my personal dating life, I seem to really miss the mark. I really wonder how that happens?



  33.  #33faubourg on July 15, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    i love this subject, it is one of my huge difficulty!

    i find it hard to know what i should or should not tell during a first date and even after

    i have such heavy sorrows in my heart and it shows sometimes so i don’t know how to deal with that, it is sthg which makes me not want to go for a date,

    i don’t know what to share or not share with a man, tell him the “huge stuff” straight away or hide it and anyway if he gets closer he will know that i have troubles with letting people in my life, or that i do not see my family anymore, it is hard, i want to act like i am a normal person but i am not, my life is weird not because i have weird habits no, but simply because my relationships with my family are very complex and when you get close to a man he sure wants to know about parents, etc… meet them at some point,

    i feel heavy with that, i feel lonely, i am very isolated, so acting like a goddess when i am so lonely and neglected by my family i must say it is really extremely hard.

    i am not playing a victim at all, but it is sthg i do not know how to manage. i think : this guy is so great he must have a perfect family, when he will know about mine he will just run away.

    i could even cry i think sometimes, can you imagine during a date? so how often do you see your parents? and i start crying or feeling devastated! oups!
    you talk about judging rori, men who ask questions to judge, but it is a question i can ask a man without judging him, to know if he sees his mummy everyday for example or calls her ten times a day or still lives with her (that happens!)

    i feel relieved to share that,
    thank you



  34.  #34faubourg on July 15, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    now the optimistic story!

    since i discovered rori’s advice and ebook, i sense that i open up to men, i watch them more in the eyes and i SEE many beautiful and attractive men these days! where are all the losers and mysogins? (one of my post)
    i smile more easily, i think of how i behave, (i analyze what i think, do, how i jump to conclusions on a situation :
    there’s this one guy i saw today, god he was handsome and “juicy” and he was not noticing me at all, i thought to myself sthg negative, like of course he does not see you, of course, and instead of feeling down i thought : why is that? (that’s new!!!)

    i saw my neighbor too, he is handsome but has a girlfriend, he is very cold when he sees me, does not say hello, except once, i was coming out of the elevator and he was coming in, he seemed embarrassed but very pleased to see me,
    i saw his teeth for the first time and heard a very nice good morning, well today we met in the street he looked at me and did not say hello, he had this cold and despising attitude (on the outside) and guess what i thought to myself very calmly and tranquil : you do not see the princess who is right in front of you! it felt good!
    half an hour later i was angry i was thinking i DESERVE to be treated with respect, he could say hello!! we live on the same floor!!! I DESERVE RESPECT AND HELLO’s!!

    i could almost knock at his door now and say : “hello” “good morning” is just sthg basic, learn your basics!

    i like to fight a little bit with men actually, not hard at all but teasing, pulling their legs, i like that, maybe that is a bit masculine,

    i like the idea of unzipping my heart, i love the idea of being in the feminine, today i was very feminine it felt good, my manners, touching my hair, walking like i like to walk,
    i am a woman…



  35.  #35dorothea on July 15, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    I feel you faubourg! Both my parents left me…first my father when I was a baby (and I’m fairly certain he raped me when he visited me around age 4) and then my mother left when I was in high school.

    My ex was so cruel..he used this as a superiority item on me. So when we were breaking up, he got one last “fatherless freak” and “no one loves you, that’s why your own mother couldn’t even stand to be around you” insult in.

    We have to talk to our inner little girls, and we have to let them know how sorry we are that they were treated that way, and that it’s not their fault, and that we are in charge now.

    The hardest thing for me is spending time with a man’s parents, and having them ask me about my parents. I tell them I am not in touch with them and it makes me look sketchy and bad.

    The truth is my mother won’t speak to me because I set the boundaries of her not lying to me when we speak (she had told me she was dying of cancer and she made the whole thing up. I felt devastated). I am also very sure that my mother abuses hard drugs, which is why she antsily left my college graduation mid way through last year. I don’t speak to my father because 1. I met him once when I was 4 and 2. I’m pretty sure he raped me.

    I’m hardly in touch with the rest of my family because my mom was the black sheep and she moved us away when I was young, but I constantly try to include the more and more in my life.



  36.  #36Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Faubourg, unless it is in a past posting, I don’t know anything about your family or what is the nature of your sadness. With respect, this might help – at various times in my life I have been estranged from my family. When I met my husband, I thought – wow! an awesome, perfect family!! Oh how I was loving being part of a terrific family!! Then, slowly over time, I discovered this was a family that nurtured psychological warfare. Insidious stuff that was so well hidden and incredibly damaging. In the end, I discovered how “normal” everything is in all families – all and I mean ALL families are dysfunctional to some degree, and that is what makes life so interesting! What is normal to one person is outright strange to another. At the moment, your relationship in your family is on the “outs” – this happens to many many many people. It is OK!! And to boot – I feel it oppressive for a man to see his mom every day and call her 10X a day; but you might be just fine with all that – it is all about how it feels for you that matters.

    When you get the question you can say things like: my family and I approach things very differently and at the moment we have chosen not to share time and space. One day I will re-connect with them and right now I feel my time is better spent building new relationships with people I really enjoy…like you!

    Keep in mind that any person who comes into your life right now, is in the “right now”. They are not part of the past – they are part of your present and maybe your future. It is a time to create something new. Go for new.

    I come out of incredibly messy divorce and have discovered, men don’t want to hear the story – pretty much any of it. I would look dubious at them if they really want to hear the story – what could they possibly hope to gain? It actually triggers a feeling in me that they aren’t really interested in me and this now becomes the topic until we end the evening – then I never hear from them again. I even noticed, that I use the same tactic when I am not at all interested in them – I start asking about the former spouse; about their dating experiences etc. I am just not interested in them so these stories become fascinating to me – and I never speak with them again.

    Keep in mind, men like to “slay dragons”. They can not slay the dragons of your past, only the dragon-guy who is bugging you in the next seat on the airplane. So, don’t go talking about hurtful stuff from the past – that is bringing an invisible dragon into the relationship that doesn’t belong there and he can not slay it. Suffice it to say something like: “Oh there is a story there, and maybe one night at a big bonfire, when the stars are all shining, and all is calm and I feel really mellow, maybe then, would be the right time to tell the story – now just doesn’t feel right”. I have done this more recently and it stops all questions in their track. Lovely. It feels wonderful!

    bit by bit I am learning the language of feeling….



  37.  #37faubourg on July 15, 2010 at 2:49 pm

    thank you for your reply dorothea,

    i thank you for your honesty,
    you deserve parents who care for you and a man who treats you tenderly

    i will practise “family interview topics” with people i know and in my living room, it might be fun,

    and then with men



  38.  #38Lizzie on July 15, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    Whooooo Dorothea – your story triggered me and some of my own stories. I do feel your courage. Thank you for sharing.

    My kids were abandoned by their adoptive father – he screamed at them in the school yard “I am not going to be your father if….” – to this day, it still tears a knife right through my heart and soul. Children’s Aid stepped in and returned the kids to me – he hasn’t seen them since. It is 5 years now. I asked them on the way to camp last week, what they say when they get questions – they say
    “my father is Asian and he isn’t with us now” – my kids are adopted and I am white.

    Courage. Courage is a matter of the heart and soul. You are beautiful.



  39.  #39faubourg on July 15, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    thank you lizzie, it helps me a lot,

    i find it hard to say more about my family,

    i just feel awful when i am with them, the black sheep or the “despising princess” : who does she thinks she is! i heard that so many times,
    just my breathing and being alive would make them annoyed and angry at me, i did all i could to have their love and support and tenderness, i never managed to, it is so hard because it is my family and i love them and also because i expect nothing from anyone in this world nothing except : despise, neglect, silence, criticism, request for me to be perfect, to have no needs, no desires, no love, no sexuality, no money, no nothing, no success in no field of my life,

    and the most difficult is that sometimes they were nice, sometimes they miss me, sometimes i am part of the family but only sometimes, at times,

    i find it hard to write this but it is the truth, for today, with this blog i learn about love and relationships with men but also with myself : love myself it is such a gift.

    i too remember asking questions to some men just to make conversation, to analyze them psychologically because i love psychology but i could not care less about them. Also some asked me questions sometimes and i could feel it was just because they were nosy, curious, (as if they could have followed their sentence with : oh do you know that jennifer lopez has put on some weight!)

    thank you for the advice, i wish you the best,



  40.  #40Rori Raye on July 15, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Ginni – you’re letting some fantasy life grab a hold of the wonderful stuff you actually HAVE!!! Stop wanting what he isn’t giving you and start appreciating what he IS giving you…you are attracted to men who hurt you….that has to stop, so keep a close watch on how you feel about what you’re getting instead of garbling the energy and pushing him away – let him kiss you the way he kisses you, and melt…or you’re going to cement into him that he can NEVER make you happy. Love, Rori



  41.  #41Ginni on July 15, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Wow your aweome, it’s so hard to break old patterns. I’ll try , but how do I know if he is not one of those men? I keep repeating your tapes,and I feel like I am getting better. He asked me to go to his house tonite,he going to cook me dinner for my Birthday:> But he is going to the store, is it wrong of me to expect a card or some flowers? I guess I should just be happy with how awesome me and him are together. I’m just so scared that I’m to accommidating, and he will lose feelings for me, like the last guy. But as I have learned from; you who cares about him, It needs to be about me and besides the lack of kissing lol , I am actually very happy..
    Thank you so much for writing me back, I feel so great right now, just in time too.
    Love Ginni God Bless you :>



  42.  #42Rachel on July 15, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    Rori,

    I need some help. I used to overfunction and constantly nag my guy about calling, writing, etc. (He is in the military so most of our communication is via email or IM)

    I used your tools and learned to lean back and we’ve had a great few months including an amazing visit in May. I have felt very confident, happy and sireny.

    Then about two weeks ago, he stopped communicating. Nothing had happened… no fight or anything. But in about 2 weeks time, I only received about 3 one-line IM messages offline.

    I handled it really well for the first week or so. Then, of course, my mind began to work… but I stayed leaning back and only wrote when he initiated.

    Finally last night, he appeared online and started chatting. I was very happy to see him, but also felt quite nervous. I debated whether to say something … he was chattering as if nothing had happened, but I was really struggling with questions/fears/etc.

    So I finally said “It feels kinda weird to talk after so long”

    He immediately launched into how busy he’d been … sounding a little irritated. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, so I just said, “I felt sad and lonely.”

    The rest of the conversation was awkward… he never really responded to how I was feeling … then today, I got an email that started out “OK… since you said you’re tired of not getting any email… here’s an email for you” and then mentioned my “complaining” about his communication and he hoped I would get to a place to understand he’s doing the best he can.

    UGH! I was trying to be honest and share how I was feeling. Aren’t guys supposed to then respond with warmth, caring and wanting to please? Instead, I get blamed for complaining.

    Or did I do something wrong in bringing it up? I feel very confused and my heart feels heavy now. Things have been so good, and while I don’t really think this one conversation should mess that up, I am concerned about why the communication has all-but-stopped and why he doesn’t seem to care that I felt sad not hearing from him.

    Thanks for any help you can give.



  43.  #43Rachel on July 15, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    And what do I do now? How do I respond to this email without further “complaining?” Do I just keep waiting now? Do I just drop it and go on from here, accepting whatever he can give?

    Do I not express that I miss hearing from him? I’ve done SO WELL for so long that I thought just this once it wouldn’t hurt to tell him.



  44.  #44gina on July 15, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    I feel almost scared to admit how happy I am with D. Like super duper happy. And whatever was holding back my passion a few days ago is gone. totally. I feel super attracted to him, I am falling more in love every day. I think it shifted the other day when he borrowed my car cause his was in the shop – he called to see if I needed anything while he was out, and I was thinking that I would love for him to wash my car (birds pooped all over it), but I felt weird asking for it. I told myself not to judge him or be disappointed that he couldn’t read my mind. But then, when he got back to my apartment, he casually let me know that he drove through a car wash for me. I felt so grateful! Since then I have just felt more and more comfortable letting my guard down. The concerns I had before aren’t currently relevant. I’m loving his kisses, and we’ve had sex 3 times so far today.
    My friend called to discuss her relationship woes with her boss that she slept with, who I also slept with a long while back (what a guy!!), and I definitely understand what she’s going through, but wow am I glad that I’m in such a completely different relationship now. I texted D to let him know how much I appreciate him. When he called me back, I told him that I feel so grateful for him after hearing about my friend’s “boy problems” and he said “well there’s her problem right there – she’s dating a boy, and you’re not. that’s the difference.” He’s so sexy.
    Now that I “get” that I can (REALLY) like a man who is treating me right, I will never settle for less EVER again. But I don’t think I’ll have to because D tells me on a regular basis that he’s committed to me, and with every wonderful day we spend together, he talks about future days that he wants to make even better. It’s awesome.
    I definitely feel grateful to Rori that I was available for this relationship. Because I didn’t initially feel super charmed or attracted to him. The first time we hung out, he came to the salsa bar I go to on Thursdays, and I initially felt a little put off that he was stepping up in that context cause there was a guy there who I had the hots for big time. When we dance, he does all kinds of subtle flirtatious things. He asked me to join his salsa troop, and for a minute, I was thinking of driving several hours per week just so I could be near him. But he had a girlfriend! And he wasn’t asking me out!! But I knew that the turned on feelings I had weren’t as important as the safe feelings I had with D, and I’m so glad that I allowed myself to be available for a real man to pursue, instead of taking crumbs from a playboy. Thank you very very much Rori. I officially am in a fabulous relationship.
    Yaaay!!!



  45.  #45gina on July 15, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    whoa! correction in that last little bit…”and I’m so glad that I allowed myself to be available for a real man to pursue *me*, instead of taking crumbs from a playboy…”



  46.  #46Daria on July 16, 2010 at 3:47 am

    I have a new CD who is 31 and provides for me, food and drink and cooked for me, even tho i have at times hit him up, he’s nice to me, very i like him.

    He’s actually getting to the point that i feel uncomfortable receiving, I’m like wow! do i really let him do all this stuff for me? i feel uncomfortable sitting on the couch while he cooks for me … lol… im getting the good treatment, i like getting used to the good treatment with this. thas wassup.



  47.  #47Ankita on July 16, 2010 at 8:35 am

    I felt great while reading this post…… Felt a sense of relief….. I don’t like to share my past nor I ever would like to…. After all, i don’t want my man to keep count of the number of men who were ahead of him in my life…. I don’t him to keep count of how many guys I dated or how many men touched me….

    Am with him in my present, and that’s all what matters…..



  48.  #48Lucy on July 16, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Daria, it feels good reading about your new CD!



  49.  #49dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Oh man, so most of you probably remember about 5 weeks ago my LI went out of town for 4 days and didn’t call me for 5 days until he needed his keys back from me. It turned into a huge fight, but the end result was he realized he was being whacktastic, and he assured me it wouldn’t be a problem again.

    This man says I am the One and he is ready to marry me. He is searching for another job to afford a ring for engagement.

    He is out of town again now for a week. He called me the first night he was out there and then 2 more nights have passed and he still hasnt called. He texts occasionally, but I want CALLS. And I am feeling terrified that I am going to have to dump this man for not freaking calling me as promised.

    The last fight was so bad and ugly, and it still feels bad, so I don’t want to feel this way or worry i will feel this way when he leaves town. It’s not that he isn’t calling so much as that he knows i want calls and has promised to do so, but is just leaving me hanging instead.

    And we are going on vacation for him to meet my grandma the day after he returns from his trip and we already bought the tickets, so it’s like no matter what he does, the vacation is still on. And me telling him he can’t go feels so awful, and I know it would end the relationship entirely because 400 bucks is a lot of money to us new grads for him to just blow for no reason.

    So this morning I woke up angry and anxious. And I started texting him about it. oh gosh, i quickly regretted it and caught myself not helping my cause. I want to share this exchange with you ladies because it feels important to me to let you all in on my inner workings and my personal struggles in dating.

    Here is how it went:

    me- I feel furious and anxious that despite our huge argument last time u went out of town, u still don’t call. It’s not hard to quickly ring someone.

    me- I feel left hanging and confused and I don’t like it.

    me (yeah still texting without response)- And I feel rly freakin bullied cuz u already got a plane ticket with me so u can push me around like this and there aint a whole lot i can do about it.

    me (yep, still going, now trying to do damage control realizing i’m sounding demanding on his brother’s wedding day today)- I feel worried i’m saying somethin too soon but i don’t want to feel like this. I need to feel certainty and respected after what happened last time.

    me (yeah i’m seriously still talking)- Ok now I feel kind of gay for saying anything. Yuck this all just feels yucky and i’m terrified that if u don’t call me like i deserve i will have to stop seeing u. and i’m sitting here feeling tormented over the possibilities and gosh it feels so bad to be in this position right now

    me- I don’t want to look psycho and i feel angry to be in this position of having to trip and possibly look psycho. Am putting phone down now. Lol.
    _______________
    Whew! I had to just stop. I sat there by myself afterward feeling stupid. Like, wow, that felt bad! And I felt embarrassed more than anything. I got up off my behind and got ready for work.

    30 min. later he texted back, “you don’t look psycho, but let me explain about yesterday, i’ll give you a call this afternoon/evening to talk.”

    I felt so ashamed of myself. He is out there at his brother’s wedding and I am texting him blamey messages because I don’t want to deal with my feelings. so I dug down for the most authentic morsel of truth I could find in myself for that moment, 25 words or less. And then I felt a huge shift in us both.

    I said, “I still feel bad about not hearing from you last trip so I am sorta trippin inappropriately, sigh, i feel embarassed=/”

    And he replied “It’s ok querida (spanish term of endearment) we’ll talk later.”

    just wanted to bare my soul a bit for you ladies, hehe



  50.  #50Siena on July 16, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Dorothea honestly… he sounds like a keeper!

    Regardless of whether or not he called you (separate issue), he was able to field your influx of texts in a great way, telling you that you weren’t wrong and that he will call to talk about it.

    I like this guy!



  51.  #51Siena on July 16, 2010 at 10:19 am

    …and just something to consider. This issue might be an ongoing one for you two (his not calling while out of town). It might be something that is eventually resolved, or it may never be. As you become more comfortable in your relationship with him, it might not matter much to you anymore. No judgment here, but is it important enough to negate all the good things about him?



  52.  #52dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 10:27 am

    miss pretty siena, thank you for your reply to my comment.

    i have a world of what-ifs in my head with his not calling, and it feels bad bad bad. like, what if he is sabotaging this (something he’s admitted to possibly doing) by just not calling? what if he’s subconsciously testing me? what if what if what if.

    who knows…maybe he would have called me tonight without my saying anything, but i jumped the gun and didn’t see what he would do. i was too terrified that he wouldn’t actually call, and i felt so much pressure to stop this feeling because we have a vacation planned next week.

    i am going to let these worries drop because he will call me later and now i will never know if he would have done it on his own, so it makes no sense to wonder. also, our fight about it last time was so ugly and prolonged that he might also feel some yuckiness around calling/not calling me. but i already said something so now i won’t ever know what he was going to do on his own.

    I feel much better now. thank you!



  53.  #53Siena on July 16, 2010 at 10:38 am

    oh boy, those “what ifs!”

    I had the same thing happen this week with my guy. But he handled it like a pro too and everything is good.

    Those what if’s are gremlins (or nasty voices as Rori says) meant to steal your happiness… don’t listen to them! (I will stop listening too! hehe)



  54.  #54dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 10:45 am

    today is the anniversary of me and my ex. LOL. i feel like celebrating! going through the awful and abusive relationship i had with him catalyzed my very high standards that i have today. that nasty experience turned me into a goddess.



  55.  #55Cinnamon on July 16, 2010 at 10:47 am

    Rachel – I hear ya about the ‘complaining’ thing so would second your request for the sirens to answer this with their wisdom. I shared that I felt sad that we weren’t being intimate lately and I was told that I deliver these comments from leftfield and I’m complaining. (we haven’t had sex for weeks btw)
    I seem to struggle with the difference between accepting crumbs and not being grateful for what he is doing. Maybe I need to show more appreciation when he does stuff and ignore the stuff he doesn’t for now. See where that goes. I guess if you are cding you aren’t supposed to care? What does everyone else think? xx

    I



  56.  #56Siena on July 16, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Cinnamon, hi! Marriage therapist John Gottman studied relationships and found that in successful partnerships, positive interactions outweighed negative ones by a ratio of 5 to 1.

    So in other words, if you catch him being good five times more often that you tell him things that aren’t good, you’re likely to see positive results.

    I wouldn’t feel good hiding the negative things or not saying them. Rather, I would have to totally ramp up the number of compliments and good things I tell him about him, me or us during the day.

    And then when something like, “I feel sad” comes up, he is less likely to believe I am attacking him or generally unhappy with the relationship.

    How does that feel?



  57.  #57Brenda on July 16, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Dorothea,

    Thank you for sharing! I so hear me in you last year with Ryan! We saw each other every single night with few exceptions. When he started leaving spaces in the days he would see me, I felt half insane with missing him. So please understand I am coming from a total place of compassion with my feedback.

    It is good that you more-or-less retracted your feeling messages. I may be wrong, but it is my understanding that they are primarily to be used when the man is actually in our presence. When he is away, we can carry on our lives like he doesn’t exist. When he comes around, we can meet him with welcome, even if it is mixed with sadness or frustration or what-have-you.

    He handled it really, really well! I sent feeling messages like that to Ryan, and he would just give excuses about why he hadn’t called or such. He occasionally said he felt smothered, or it’s too much.

    What brought it all home for me is when my friend, Franny, compared that with my relationship with my Mom. I love my Mom dearly, and she is my best friend. But one of her shortcomings is she is VERY emotionally needy. All my life, she has sucked my love tank dry with wanting me to nurture her like a mother. In short, it is not always a healthy relationship. I have taken a lot of strides in recent years to have a healthy relationship, and we’ve come a long way.

    Franny reminded me of how my Mom will make guilt-ridden comments about me calling her. I sometimes call her twice a day for 40-50 min at a time. Some days it’s once a day. Now and then I skip a day. I visit her 1-2 times a week, and she lives 12 miles from me.

    Many times when I go to hang up, she will say something like this:

    “Well, I’ll hang in there until I hear from you NEXT year!”
    “It sure would be nice to see you more than once a month!”
    “Hey, don’t forget I exist! I don’t know when the last time is I heard from you.”
    “Don’t go! I don’t want you to go!”

    And I could go on. I have struggled with false guilt surrounding my Mom most of my life. When Franny brought all that to mind, and then I compared it with Ryan, I was like, “Whoa, I’m really turning him off, aren’t I?”

    Franny agreed, “Yeah, I think so.”

    I said, “He would feel more excited about the relationship if I just let him call when he felt like calling, wouldn’t he?”

    Franny said, “Yes. I think you need to lay off. Just accept what he gives you, and enjoy the time you have with him. If you keep going down this path, you’re going to eventually lose him.”

    How do you feel about that?



  58.  #58dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Yeah, I am glad I caught myself. He just texted me again in spanish, saying he’s sorry and he really misses me. he knows i want to hear from him when he’s out of town, and he doesn’t want to spite me over this. i will feel very open and loving when he calls me later on.



  59.  #59Brenda on July 16, 2010 at 11:37 am

    Dorothea,

    Awesome! You have a good man!



  60.  #60Brenda on July 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Melissa, you are welcome!
    Lizzie, you are funny! Please let us know what you decide on!

    All, will you please give me a little feedback here? I have been emailing a man from Match who lives in Massachusetts, about a 5-6 hour drive. So I have cut him some major slack on meeting in person.

    I emailed him a bunch of photos, and I wrote a novel about who I am and what I am about. He has been emailing me about 2 weeks, and sending me “Good morning” emails every day. I am not all that interested at this point, but I am open to meeting him.

    I just got this message:

    Hello Brenda
    Thanks for the mail and i want you to know that i really like your emails and just know that your answers we great and lovely and can i please ask more questions?
    Did the questions help you to know more about me

    Please!! Will the interrogation ever end? That’s what I feel like saying. But do you think it’s time to employ the feeling messages about yo dude, it’s time we met? Ride or get off the horse!



  61.  #61Brenda on July 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Oh, I meant to post that on the other thread…



  62.  #62Daria on July 16, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    I am dating this one man who is doing everything nice for me, though i am the one going to his house

    I feel afraid now, I am at the limit of my comfort level with receiving wow! so fast! I feel afraid that I don’t feel that attracted to him, tho I do a lil bit.

    I got another man that I do feel attracted to that kept saying he’s coming to see me every nite, but didnt make it, and id be reaching out to him too. Well yesterday he was supposed to make it but i stood him up (I was with CD who gives to me). Then I reached out to him agian

    NOTE – I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF MY EXPERIMENT OF DOING EVERYTHING I WANT INCLUDING LEANING FORWARD AT TIMES, WHILE FEELING MY FEELINGS!!!-

    today, he says he’s busy this morning but will be back later if im free, i said yeah papi i hope so, im starting to feel insecure like im chasing you, lol which i feel i am, yet i feel happy that he still seems into me from the vibe of his texts and stuff

    meanwhile some other men who are not stepping up in terms of Giving have become totally boring to me now that I have both a Giving man and a Mr. Desire, and some other guys calling me too

    I’m living at my comfort zone edge right here, it feels nice. I like that mr. Giving is stepping up the bar, and thus my vibe



  63.  #63Daria on July 16, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    I am afraid that I’ll be bored married to a giving man. I have a strong need for adventure. I want adventure and giving.

    My dad and I relate and goof off by teasing each other, I feel excited relating to a man like that, and also I want to be praised, I feel afraid that a man who does that – teases – is not the supportive type.

    I feel unworthy and afraid at times when I feel like I’m being given to a lot, practicing. yum



  64.  #64dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    I feel you, Daria..it can feel hard to receive so much. It’s okay to tell him you feel weird, in my opinion. Let him know you’re not used to it so it stirs up a lot of feelings for you, and at the same time you feel so appreciative of him treating you in a way that you deserve.

    When men are being super giving to me, I like to spend a little time away just taking care of myself or being around homies to reset the intensity.

    Hmm I am feeling triggered.

    Why is it so hard to receive sometimes?



  65.  #65dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    if you have good chemistry, or if it is a right man for you, the giving isn’t boring but very exciting.

    I went through a phase with LI where every loving word and nice gesture made me want to hit him. This was well into our dating, however. I had to just be honest. I joked with him that he should be an asshole sometime. He, of course, refused to do this. And when he finally did pull an asshole thing on me by not calling during his last trip, I let him know “I DON’T want you to be an asshole, omg this feels bad, please go back to being wonderful to me, I didn’t mean it!”

    Good learning experience.

    I think it’s a good sign that you are getting bored with men who don’t row at all.

    Also, it usually takes people time to be silly and teasing. Unlike me, who is like this automatically with just about everyone:D



  66.  #66Daria on July 16, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    dorothea – wtf are you talking about woman?

    just kidding

    thanks . I feel reassured. i might tell him im not used to it hehe. i did tell him i felt weird.

    I gave back by rolling his blunts. I did this cuz I enjoy this activity, and THEN realized I was giving back. I’m like, oh, wow cool, I’m giving back and feel good doing it. I also grabbed beer for him from the fridge at his request when I got water for myself in the kitchen.

    He didn’t let me help in the kitchen but promplty picked me up and deposited me on the couch where I was told to sit and look pretty while he made me pasta.



  67.  #67dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 3:53 pm

    what do u mean wtf am i talking about? wtf are YOU talking about. and how come you’re not online right now??



  68.  #68Daria on July 16, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Dorothea – dude you’re not even online. you make me chase you everywhere on cyber space. gosh.



  69.  #69lm on July 16, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    i feel scared that i will never be as attracted to another man the way i am to the guy i just broke up with, who was not very kind or a very good partner.

    i feel scared that i am only into mean, glamorous, selfish guys. i’m not attracted to him anymore, but it scares me that i was with him for so long.

    i just got reiki and i feel much lighter and brighter.



  70.  #70dorothea on July 16, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    sorry Daria i am playin hard 2 get teehee

    lol jk i went to the nail salon to get flyatized



  71.  #71Daria on July 17, 2010 at 3:25 am

    Uhoh I don’t know that I know how to hug so that it feels amazingly good. Everytime when I let go it’s awkward I think . I feel a png oh sadness at goodbyes. A not sure. A stumble. In clumsy. I second guess myself.



  72.  #72Ankita on July 17, 2010 at 3:56 am

    Hello Sirens

    I went on my first date with Vishal.

    We did start with lunch, and then movie (we did make out a li’l too, lolz), I felt really comfy and at ease with him….

    For the first time in my life, did I ever trip, and he held me everytime I tripped (some 3 times). I slipped in his arms and we had eye contact… OMG… That was so romantic…..

    I felt great when he complimented me that I look much much more beautiful in real life than in pics, 2 days in a row… I felt great…!!!

    When the movie was about to be over, I said to him, “I hate you.”, & when he bent down to tie his shoe-laces, I did whisper in his ears, “Infact, I have never liked anyone to this extent (the extent I did like him). He turned towards me and kissed me on cheek. I then smooched him for 2 secs, and then leaned back on the sofa.

    As he got up, he offered me his hand. I gave my hand & he pulled me towards him while still making eye contact. Whole hall had got empty by then, and he was leading by holding my hand, and I was following him. It all seemed like a movie, so romantic… I kept looking at him as he was leading, and he kept leading, and I following…

    As we came out of hall, we were still holding hands and making eye contact, we were so lost in each other, everyone was noticing us…

    Then we ate ice-creams, etc., and as we took auto to get back to metro, on the way, I kept my head on his shoulders. Then again, as I was about to leave, we held hands and kept looking at each others eyes for long. Then he cuddled my cheeks as he bid me bye, and I blushed and ran away as I felt shy, while still turned back to wish him bye.
    These both experiences touched him, he said later at night on phone.
    He kept waiting for my phone till late at night, wishing I give him missed call so that he can call me back.

    We spent some 6 hours together on date, and time seemed to fly away…!!

    I felt so happy, and I want us to last…..



  73.  #73Rori Raye on July 17, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Ooooh – Daria – what a great thing to practice Circular Dating….Hugs all around… I go to a Course in Miracles class every Sunday, and get to hug 10-20 people who want to practice love and hugging, too…totally great…Love, Rorihttps://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/wp-admin/edit-comments.php#comments-form



  74.  #74Ginni on July 17, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Racheal : I ‘ve done alot of cyber dater and you can not express proper feelings messages of disappointment thru emails you could save the truth you feel awkward and sad that you sound like your complaining when you really miss seeing him? If he doesn response nicely to that he is not a good guy! He is not worth feeling anything over? Or don’t respond at all and show him that you are not happy with HIS COMMUNICATION and again if he cares for you as he should he will step up and most likely be concerned about calling you a complainer again! much love to all the girls !



  75.  #75Ankita on July 17, 2010 at 11:45 am

    My past belongs only to me… I need not share that…
    But what if, my present has everything to do with my past..!!



  76.  #76Ankita on July 17, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Hello Rori & Sirens

    I want li’l help with my confusion on a concept of circular dating/commitment… Unless I clear my confusion, I may not be able to do CD properly…

    I happen to read in one of Rori’s eLetters, where she said, “Tell your man you love him and that you can’t be exclusive right now ,write a speech to the
    man you’re with saying that “he’s entitled to take
    all the time he needs to decide about committing
    to a lifelong relationship with you, and that you
    feel awful waiting around, it’s making you feel
    insecure and frustrated and you don’t want to feel
    that way, and that other men are starting to ask
    you out and you want to feel free to explore your
    options until he makes a decision.”
    Then as he attacks us, we say, “Well, I don’t want you to date other women, I
    want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good
    to me to let you have me all to yourself until
    you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle
    your dating other women.”

    I am getting confused at is it marriage I should want or is it he I should want? Or both? And if I’m CDing, why should I stop him from dating others? I guess, the answer is coz am ready to commit to him and he isn’t.

    I find the below two sentences very confusing:-
    1-> other men are starting to ask
    me out and I want to feel free to explore my
    options until you make a decision.

    2-> I don’t want you to date other women, I
    want you all to myself. And it doesn’t feel good
    to me to let you have me all to yourself until
    you’re ready to commit. I won’t be able to handle
    your dating other women.

    Please clear my confusion. I feel so confused..!!



  77.  #77Rori Raye on July 17, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Ankita – I’m going to post around your question. Love, Rori



  78.  #78Renee on July 18, 2010 at 2:38 am

    I’ll be really interested to hear Rori’s response to Ankita’s questions about circular dating…



  79.  #79Ginni on July 18, 2010 at 3:02 pm

    Hi Rori I am feeling scared Im losing my connection with my guy. We are 100 % committed to each other but the passion we had is disappearing. You said in an earlier comment that I need to stop garbling the energy with what I don’t have and concretrate on my feelings for what I have? I agree but something does’t feel right?He wants me to be with him all the time and continues to make more concrete ties between us like today offered to put up a fenced area for my dog on the side of his house so I could stay longer and not have to go home as often but he never kisses anymore? He is getting less and less affectionate and its been 8 months and still no i love yous have been exchanged? He gave me a someone special card for my birthday and signed it happy birthday jon? what do you think i should do? I said I love you twice while we were making love in about 3 months agos and he didnt response? So I never brought it up again? I am a very affectionate person and he used to say he would run to me on foot if he had too



  80.  #80Ginni on July 18, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Also he is 6 years younger than me and I am starting to feel insecure about my age well ofcourse my Birthday just passed and I runed 46 so? I feel good and look really good but he is 39 and looks like he could be 29 so him not being as affection towards me is hurting me and making me feel scared ? He is not a very social person but lately has been taking me out alot more than before and has introduced me to alot of people as his girl? I just don”t understand why he is not as affectionate as he was before? when I lean back and dont see him for 2 days he is all over me until he gets sex and then he gets less affectionate ? Is this normal for men? Probably? I am so used too an abusive man which is one extreme or another I am just not sure what i should feel?



  81.  #81Brenda on July 19, 2010 at 3:07 am

    Ankita!!

    I feel so happy for you that you had such a romantic date with Vishal! You go, girl!



  82.  #82Ginni on July 19, 2010 at 4:50 am

    Dear Im : I so understand how you feel its really hard to judge yourself after you have fell into the trap of a toxic man. Don’t beat yourself up it was a mistake and you Will be more attracted to another better man soon. I remember saying the same thing when I got separated from my husband. its just like Rori says the stepping out of the cage is scarey but once you get passed the fear your possibilities are endless! Don’t worry there will be more and better!



  83.  #83Brenda on July 19, 2010 at 9:05 am

    I feel strong even tho I overfunctioned yesterday. I felt like I was making a choice for the most part. I didn’t feel victimized. I felt like there were valuable things I needed to say to Ryan. I forgive myself for overfunctioning. I am starting off on the right foot with all my other men!



  84.  #84lm on July 19, 2010 at 9:10 am

    hi ginni,

    thanks. i feel better every day. how long did it take you to feel attracted to someone else? it’s sort of a weird question, but i have been so zeroed in on him that it made me feel scared and addicted. ugh.

    we work together and today i moved offices to another part of our building so i don’t have to hear him or see him. i told him i don’t want to have any contact with him until he agrees to attend counseling with me (i knew he wouldn’t do it. he’s terrified of ‘shrinks’, so i guess it was my inner guidence’s way of getting rid of him!). i really do feel out of the cage! i was in a little box marked ‘him’ and now i feel sort of vulnerable but free.



  85.  #85Ginni on July 19, 2010 at 11:00 am

    Hi Im well it took about three months but once that happened it snowballed and I felt so stupid for being soo hung up on a jerk lol Ur instincts are right on the money NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER IS THE BEST MEDICINE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW! Guys manipulate us to make us beleive we need them? You will start to feel yourself and how beautiful you are the more you dont see or talk to him! And then others will notice your energy shift and you will have your choice of men 🙂 Stay strong you don’t need to feel bad you need to feel good so what makes you feel good is the path you have to follow! Its scarey to start anything over and it sucks when we have to admit we made a mistake or a relationship failed but it happens to everyone and he will never have a girl like you rest assured you are the winner here :->



  86.  #86lm on July 19, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Thanks Ginni! I feel happy to read this. I guess it’s only been…5 days and i already feel a lot better.

    I am heading out of town for holidays in three days and he’s going on a three week canoe trip while i’m gone, so we will not even be in the same part of the country for almost a month. At first this made me feel panicked (why, i don’t know…i think it was just an old reaction from when i thought he was cheating on me and i’d feel scared when we were apart because i didn’t trust him). but I’m hoping it will be really healing for me.

    🙂



  87.  #87Ginni on July 19, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Im
    Thats awesome: have fun and maybe even a fling ? lol



  88.  #88Daria on July 19, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    What you
    want to do here is use my Tools to practice
    opening up your heart and discovering and SHARING
    with a man — in fact EVERY man — your real
    feelings.

    Not just the hurt and disappointed feelings,
    but the many feelings you can have at any given
    moment. Joy at looking at your child’s face,
    sadness at being alone, fear at the future, bliss
    when you think of the great moments between you
    and your man that are possible.



  89.  #89Sweetpea on July 20, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    Wow. I’ve been a little out of touch lately. I see lots of new faces. Loving the comments here.

    I’m identifying with you right now Daria. I keep thinking, “Geez. This guy’s gonna get tired of giving to me. Isn’t he? Should I be doing something?”



  90.  #90rose on May 31, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    i know this is a really old entry, but i want to start practicing feeling messages.

    i put a lot of importance on how many women a man has slept, and i’m starting to wonder if it’s because i am judging the men.



  91.  #91Monica Sancio on January 30, 2012 at 9:58 pm

    Great article, Rori, you are awesome!