Do You Have To Use The “Feel” Word?

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I’ve been asked wonderful questions by women in my teleclass support group this session –   here’s one  I wanted to answer:

“Rori, Can’t you make feeling statements without saying “I feel…”?  I feel like saying it so much is redundant and awkward.  Aren’t there other ways to make feelings statements without using those words?”

The answer is – No.

A “Feeling Statement”  is exactly what it is – a “Feeling Statement” –  capitalized because it’s a “Rori Raye Tool.”

The word “feel” here IS the tool.  (The full explanation and guide for exactly how to do a Feeling Statement is in my ebook...) For now – the tool is the word “Feel.”  All by itself, it’s the tool.

Speaking the words “I feel” effects your inner workings, your mind, your body, your heart.  And it effects a man – his inner workings, his mind, his body, his heart.  It’s just a word that – luckily for us – has this profound effect out there in the world.

After a lifetime of being told and believing that emotions are not good to show, and that we must tamp them down and stuff them down and avoid them at all costs and strive for being “reasonable” and “efficient” and “competent” and “accomplished,” it turns out that emotions are what make us human.

They’re your “ace-in-the-hole.”  Emotions are the “stuff” of us that make you more woman and less man – without diminishing your abilities, the sharpness of your thought, or your ability to succeed – even “kick ass” if you want – out there in the world.

Emotions fuel you, they heal you, and your emotions move OTHERS.

Meaning – the quality of your emotion, and the way in which you express your emotions is directly how you get more love in your life.

The trick for us is to get so “aware” of our emotions – the patterns of them, what triggers them, how they morph and change and and shift, and how it feels to not so much “manage” them as “feel” them.

And as that awareness grows – so does your faith in yourself.  In other words – your self-esteem and self-respect can grow powerfully as you become aware of, accept, love and express your emotions on deeper and deeper levels.

When you speak the word “feel” and use it as a channel to express what you feel – you’re working on “all burners.”

1. Becoming aware of what you feel
2. Putting words to what you feel
3. Expressing what you feel in a way that involves no one but you – and so is totally, 100% safety-making, self-trusting, world and man-trusting, self, world and man honoring…and profoundly moving in the classical, artistic sense.
The faster you practice it in this structured way, the faster you learn how to do it brilliantly, and the faster you’re able to connect heart-to-heart with any man you choose.

Love, Rori

Posted in


  1.  #1Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 10:48 am

    I like the concept of faith in myself. I will work more on getting aware of my emotions.

  2.  #2Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 10:51 am

    I feel perfectly happy with my life and where I am in my development.

  3.  #3Lori C on February 28, 2011 at 10:54 am

    I am becoming more and more aware of how very often I stuffed my feelings for the sake of others.


  4.  #4elle emm on February 28, 2011 at 10:54 am

    i used to feel really uncomfortable and kind of awkward with feeling statements. over the past month or so they’ve really helped me get into my soup and to be really close and honest with the men in my life. yay!!

  5.  #5Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Lori C just to let you know, your picture disappeared

  6.  #6lilybelle on February 28, 2011 at 10:59 am

    I have decided to rename myself for the sake of anonymity… you will still know its me..


    I have a lot of work to do on feeling and feeling messages. I can do this too, baby steps.
    What I need to remember, almost every second is, that what I feel does matter.


  7.  #7Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:00 am

    Thank you everyone for your feedback to me on the temporary blog about walking away from Ryan! I really appreciate everyone’s input and it buoys me up with strength and resolve to stay with my decision. I deleted him from my phone. Not the first time I did that, but it makes it easier for me to not be so keypad happy.

    Darling Ella, bummer your long post to me got lost. 🙁 Thank you tho.

  8.  #8lilybelle on February 28, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Thanks, FW: I removed it, I really like the pink gerbera better. It’s one of my favorite flowers.


  9.  #9Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:02 am

    yay! elle emm, LC and FW 🙂

    i feel good about constantly getting positive re-enforcement from my CD’s and how they love how i express my feelings…”refreshing” seems to be the common term used by all the men

    but most importantly i feel good about taking care of me first…this is the most “real” self love/self esteem I’ve ever had

    Femininewoman: maybe I miss understood the conversation you were having with Alonka over on the other site…i agree with you…throwing a tantrum is definitely NOT the way to go

  10.  #10Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

    I 100% agree with Rori’s use of Feeling Messages, and I have found them to be powerful and effective in many levels of interaction, with men and in my every day world! Thanks, Rori!

  11.  #11Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:05 am


    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

    For now, try this:
    When you’re feeling “negative,” and you’re afraid your “vibe” will push a man away – notice what you do – notice if you start TALKING (what so many of us women do when we’re uncomfortable).
    Notice if you start all of a sudden getting “cheerful.”
    Notice if you suddenly start trying to make things “okay” in your mind and smile.
    Notice if you move TOWARD him – touch him, talk to him – in an effort to make the “bad” feelings go away.
    And then stop yourself. DON’T DO what you INSTINCTIVELY want to do to feel better.
    There’s a MUCH better way to feel better.
    SINKING IN feels like this: It feels like you just “give up.” You just give up on trying to hold back the feeling.
    Usually – when we stop holding back, all kinds of things happen – most often with results that aren’t what we wanted. It’s like a rubber band you’ve been pulling and pulling apart until it reaches maximum tension and then you let go and SNAP – it flies (and usually hits our man right in the face).
    So try this: instead of “letting go” and letting fly, hang onto yourself in a simple way – don’t DO anything – just give up trying to hold it back. This way, the “rubber band” just returns to its limp, graceful shape without a reaction that creates a whole new set of issues and moments and feelings for you to deal with.
    As you “go limp” and “give up” you’ll feel a whole bunch of things loosen in your body. Your shoulders will drop down, and what might have felt like an iron grip around your heart will lighten up a bit.
    Now, let’s say you – like I was – are stuck in a car, or in a restaurant, or in a room with your man, and you can feel your resistance tightening in your shoulders and in your heart, and you feel like talking to relieve the pressure.
    Step 1 – You notice what’s happening.
    Step 2 – You do NOTHING
    Step 3 – You FEEL whatever feelings you’re feeling, give up trying to hold the feelings back, and sink into them – as though those feelings are your deepest friends (they are).
    Step 4 – Now you use Feeling Messages to communicate with your man, and we’ll talk about that next.

  12.  #12Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Jilly “Refreshing” is great. I have had one person tell me that he feels “safe” with me. I think that is what we are gunning for so listen for it in the near future when they don’t feel judged and you become more and more authentic.

  13.  #13Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:07 am

    I love this post! I feel blessed….I “get” IT!!! 🙂

  14.  #14Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:12 am

    Just remembered last week and friend’s husband was telling me he loves me. Reason being, a mutual friend that I sit on a committee with was telling him that he does not like me. He does not like me because, I refuse to say to give a blind yes all the time and I tend to question decisons or share how I feel about them. I was shocked when the friend told me that now that he understands that I don’t always say yes but express myself, he loves me more.


    Different men like different things.
    If I want a man who will respect my opinions, I can share them and see how men respond.

  15.  #15Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:14 am

    FW…i appreciate that…safe is awesome to hear too 🙂

    I feel authentic already…i don’t feel like i’m trying go anywhere …i’ve arrived 🙂

    i’m not perfect by any means…that is not what i’m saying..

    just that i feel confident about my feelings and expressing them…in a way that feels really feminine to me…i’m in love with me lol

    i just had to say it…it feels good to say 😉

    that’s how i feel today…

    in 3 days it could be different…but today I feel like I am queen of my world..and nothing can go wrong…

  16.  #16Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 11:17 am

    So, I had a total revelation about men and feelings this week end.

    M. came over for the day on Sat. I had another friend there, and he was nervous. He gets louder, and more “on” when he’s nervous.

    He also teases me more.

    Now, interestingly, I always date men who tease me. I used to have this convo w/ B. I said, “Teasing is a love language.”

    I realized, as M. was doing it, that he was PUSHING me into a FEELING SPACE!

    Think about it….they tease us, and we get embarrassed, flattered, a little annoyed, but we like it.

    It’s total masculine chase / feminine feel energy.


    So, I just really gave him the reactions he was looking for. I got embarrassed & shook my head and felt the feelings.

    And, since M. had been nervous with new people, he calmed down and enjoyed himself more, now that he was teasing me & I was feeling….


  17.  #17Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:19 am

    @ 14 FW… I think that’s why when Rori says if/when you express yourself and the man doesn’t/cant step up then he is not the man for you…

    doesn’t mean anything is wrong…it’s just that he’s not the one for you…

  18.  #18Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:20 am

    RE 15 Jilly that is awesome to read. I feel that myself most days now. There are times when I feel “lame” or “judgemental” of my looks but it does not last long anymore.

    I totally identify with what you are saying. The negative voices are so boring to me now. The negative feelings rankles my psyche when they come up. I am so comfortable just thinking of exuding confidence and positive energy that even when my mind drifts, it does not feel like me anymore.

    This is where I am most grateful for this blog, man or no man.

  19.  #19lilybelle on February 28, 2011 at 11:20 am

    15: Jilly

    I really loved this, Jilly. Queen of your world, indeed!


  20.  #20Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:20 am

    RE 17 Yep

  21.  #21Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:22 am


    For some reason that name has a postive ring to it. Seems beautiful and spring like. I love it.

  22.  #22Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:22 am


    RE: #1004 from Thank You thread – You said, “Errr I feel so scared today that I will always be alone!!”

    Sometimes I do, too. Then I try to shift my focus to be more positive, so I will invite love, not shut off from it. And I really struggle because of my weight, an instant turn-off for most men.

    So I am trying to make my current focus becoming my best self: weight loss, exercise, continuing to reinforce Rori’s tools, etc.

    I fear fear. It’s a horrible, negative force. When I feel fear, I try to become conscious of it and replace it with other thots and feelings. As a simple analogy, I also fear fat. When I focus on my fat, it does nothing to help me lose it. So I shift my focus on my bones and muscles, the part of my body that has the power to pull me out of obesity. I talk to my muscles and ask them to help me be strong to exercise, and I honor my bones by trying to drop the weight so they can carry me around more easily.

    So when I find myself focusing on fear, I try to refocus on love, loving myself, loving those around me. Hope that helps!

    You said, “Sorry for breaking the party;)”

    We are here for you to work thru your soup of emotions, even if they are negative at times. This is a place for healing.

    You said, “And I wasn’t confident enough even to hang up once I said thank you!”

    I’ve read how you seem to be beating yourself up for this repeatedly. I really don’t see it as all that awful. Few men would care enough to explain for ten minutes. I see that as gentle, at least to a point, rather than no communication at all or just one sentence.

    If it were me, my response would have been something like this: “I feel so sad. I feel so disappointed. I feel like I was just run over with a bulldozer. Right now I just need to go cry.”

    What do you think/feel?

  23.  #23Scarlet on February 28, 2011 at 11:25 am

    I used to find feeling messages to be awkward to implement, probably because I wasn’t used to using them. But now, after much practice, when I use them I feel more authentic, more real and more myself. My only problem is that when I use feeling messages to express negative feelings it still tends to push men away, as if they can’t handle it, even though I try not to make it about them. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong here.

  24.  #24lilybelle on February 28, 2011 at 11:27 am

    RE: 21

    I love it too, it was a nickname that was used a few years ago when I was working with at-risk kids. They would be having a “day” and I would say, “how could you be having a day when lilybelle is right here to help.” They would soften up with that and then start to talk about it.

    Thanks, FW


  25.  #25Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Brenda If you subscribe to Alex Allman, she was on the temporary blog, you will get some information about how to see your body differently. The same way Rori teaches us to love ourselves it is the same concept of loving your body and thinking about it. As a man thinketh so is he kind of concept.

    “And I really struggle because of my weight, an instant turn-off for most men. ” Sorry to disagree with you here but I have met men who like women who are not “……” . They say voluptous and meat on their bones but these guys don’t use the “f..” word. If I am not overstepping my boundary, I would recommend loving you f… Alex Allman called her stomach her “bella” in a way to show love to it.

  26.  #26Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:29 am

    Scarlet read 11 above, it might help.

  27.  #27Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Scarlet —

    Make sure your negative feeling message isn’t accompanied by a blame/judgment statement, or followed by a strategy.

    1. When I saw you tickle my daughter until she got upset with you — I felt angry, upset and bothered.


    I’m angry because you always cross my daughter’s boundaries and you aren’t very nice to her and she deserves better than what you’re doing….

    2. What do you think about that?


    I want you to stop. I am making the rules here, and you don’t tickle my daughter. Ever. You can’t be trusted to do it in a safe way.

    See the difference?

    I’m using the above example, as it’s the communication I need to have with M. tonight.


  28.  #28Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

    thank you FW and lilybelle! 🙂 it feels good to get feedback..

    FW that felt good to read your post @18 🙂 and I agree…man or no man…this blog (and everything that has to do with Rori’s work) has helped me so much!!

    well…it has affected my whole life in an amazing way…

    I feel so mushy and melty and gushy today lol with all my happy feelings lol

    Lisi..awesome observation 🙂 I pick men who tease dad is a big teaser

    pipeliner is a big teaser..and he likes to push my buttons but he does it in the cutest way…he’s not over the top about it and it’s endearing 🙂

  29.  #29Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 11:31 am

    where was this “temporary blog”? how did i miss it?

  30.  #30Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Guest article by Sonia Choquette
    Featured speaker on Healing With the Masters

    If you want to become a pro in six-sensory living and take full advantage of all the benefits your vibes can offer you, it’s up to you to do everything in your personal power to be alert, awake and fully present in the moment. And nothing sabotages your ability to do this quite as thoroughly as does being resent- ful of or holding a grudge against someone.

    Simply said, if you are mentally or emotionally consumed by the negative energy of a past injury, over 90 % of your awareness will be distracted from the moment, because it’s engaged with nursing your wounds from the past. Not only does carrying resentments from the past rob you of all ability to be fully present, (a prerequisite to intuitive awareness), it also causes you to shield yourself from further abuses by constructing defensive walls around you. Hunkered down and burdened by the past, the chances of you being accurately tuned into the moment are virtually zero. To create the success you desire today, you need to drop immediately whatever grudges you are carrying from yesterday and beyond.

    Now, having had my own feelings hurt a time or two and understanding that being intuitive not only raises awareness but also sensitivity, I know how easy it can be to get hurt or offended by someone. I also know that getting over it can be challenging, especially of you are feeling insecure. If you are really caught up in survival mode, releasing old grudges and moving on may even sound crazy. Rest assured I am not suggesting that you go into denial over past injuries or condone anything destructive to you. I am actually suggesting just the opposite. The first and best way to forgive, forget, and move on when it comes to wounds from the past is to examine objectively what transpired from a spiritual perspective, and get your ego out of the way. This means learning how not to take nothing anything anyone has ever done to you, however devious (and believe me I know people can be devious), personally. In spite of all temptation for your ego to personalize other people’s unsa vory behavior, don’t indulge in such self destructive thinking.

    Mostly because it isn’t true. When people behave this way, it’s because they are caught up with their own negative issues; they’re just taking it out on the nearest punching bag, which may just happen to be you. The more intuitive you become, the clearer this will be. People do what they do because of their goals, their priorities, their rational, their beliefs, and their values, so in reality, their assaults have nothing what so ever to do with you, plain and simple.

    The only way to truly forgive, forget, and move on is to take full responsibility for you own misjudgments and learn from them. And where you cannot identify a misjudgment on you part, learn from the experience anyway.

    Smart six sensory people realize that on a soul level everything happens for a reason, and the only thing to take from any event is what you can learn from it. The injury immediately dissipates and your energy lifts, and you move out of negativity. Soon after new doors open that will lead to more and better opportunities than you’ve ever had. Refuse the lesson and the grudge hangs on, diminishing your awareness, draining your energy and shutting doors to new possibilities.

    Forgiveness is a very intelligent policy as well, and by keeping your grudges few, not only do you keep you awareness sharp, but you also keep your eyes, ears, and heart open to whatever opportunities may present. By forgiving you can always be comfortable no matter who you encounter at any time. Those who forgive keep moving along to greater and greater professional heights. Those who don’t just get victimized and lose out.

    Forgiving and moving on are not only good for your day to day life; they are also good for your health. Especially when the person you need to forgive is you. Judging and blaming yourself for past mistakes and not moving on is one of the major causes for depression, stress, addiction, and anger issues. The longer you refuse to forgive and forget, the more pressure you put on your heart, your blood pressure, and your arteries, all of which could spell the difference between living and dying in the long run. No grudge is worth holding on to to that degree. Not one.

    When you bear grudges you totally shut down your heart, and with a closed heart you cannot tune into your vibes, as they originate in your heart. When bearing grudges you live in the past, in your defenses, or in your head, re-running past injuries like a bad movie, over and over again. With your energy consumed in such a fashion, you have little awareness available in the present to notice and attend to the business at hand. When pre-occupied with resentment you listen less, hear less, and often care less about the people in front of you. And they feel it.

    Finally, forgiveness works both ways. If you are guilty of mistreating people or of being unethical in business, clean up your act. Your vibes are an indelible part of who you are, and your energy follows you wherever you go. If you cheat, manipulate, steal, lie or violate and exploit others for your own personal gains, your negative energy will expose you. You may think you are getting away with it, but success is far more than acquiring dollars. It is the ability to look yourself in the mirror and like who is looking back.

    Besides, we all have an in-born six-sensory radar, and sooner or later people will use it to catch on to you. So think about the consequences of avoiding a life of decency and integrity. If you need to ask forgiveness of someone, owe someone an apology, or need to make amends to someone for your past mistakes, do. That way you can call yourself a true success in every sense of the word.

    The wisdom of forgiving, forgetting and living a life of good vibes and clear energy in the moment cannot be overstated. Everything does happen for a reason and there is always an opportunity hidden in every upset you face-or create. I am not suggesting that you condone bad behavior, deny it in any way, or ever hide your own. All I am saying is that you can stop playing the victim by no longer holding grudges or nursing wounds from the past, no matter who is the culprit. Forgiveness puts the power for your future squarely back into your hands. And that’s where it belongs.

    Nine Reasons to Forgive
    It’s good for your health
    It increases your longevity
    It increases your awareness and intuition
    It eases the frown lines between your eyes and costs less than Botox
    It improves your energy and attracts people to you
    It lifts your heart and creates positive vibes around you
    It makes life easier for you and everyone around you
    It increases your ability to be present, which translates into business dollars in the long run
    It sharpens your creativity
    Twelve Simple Steps to Forgiveness
    Don’t take anything personally
    Don’t attack yourself for mistakes
    Claim the gifts hidden in perceived injuries
    Take responsibility for the part you play in upset and injury
    See all events as opportunities to grow and mature your soul
    Forgive yourself first
    Pray for help in forgiving
    Develop a strong sense of humor
    Re-commit to your goals and get back on track
    Count your blessings
    Stop rehashing past injuries and don’t talk about them any more
    Talk about today’s positive events

    So when with the need to forgive and let go, consider the benefits to help motivate you. Start by looking for the gifts buried underneath all perceived injuries. With the gift in hand, forgiveness comes far more easily. Forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself and everyone you know. Happy Halloween!!!

    All my love

  31.  #31Scarlet on February 28, 2011 at 11:35 am

    @17 “if/when you express yourself and the man doesn’t/cant step up then he is not the man for you”

    I think maybe that answers my question. Doesn’t feel any less disappointing though :/

  32.  #32Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Did everyone get in her vote for today, Monday, February 28th? You can do one vote for Rori every day.

  33.  #33Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:36 am

    …and there is a way to express “negative” feelings with softness…that seems to be key …

  34.  #34Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:39 am

    @31 awww…Scarlet…that feels sad to read, it feels sad when we realize those kinds of things. 🙁

    thanks for that Brenda…btw Brenda you sound really good 🙂 i’m going over to vote right now…i’ve been voting everyday and it’s surprising Rori is so far behind 🙁

  35.  #35Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Hello, world. I am thankful that my beloved is somewhere out there and getting ready for us to find each other.


  36.  #36Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:42 am


    Re: #29 – I emailed a bunch of the sirens about it after Rori gave me a link. You were included.

  37.  #37Scarlet on February 28, 2011 at 11:43 am

    @27 Lisi… Thank you. I do use the example 1 way of communicating. For example I told one guy after not hearing from him for days “I felt upset when I didn’t hear from you” and his response was “the phone works both ways you know” but I know that we’re not supposed to make the first move and it just feels like leaning forward. Maybe I should have told him that. But I haven’t heard much from him since. I think he still has baggage from his ex who used to ignore him a lot and disappear for days without answering her phone.

  38.  #38Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 11:44 am

    I feel happy to see you all! And glad that Rori posted about Amazon; I agree it’s awful that you can’t post if you don’t buy there – and T girl I went under my account and changed to my pen name.

    Love the let it go post, FemWmn, with all you read I’m impressed by your fierce desire for forward movement too.

    SLV…you’re sounding much better, hope you’re feeling it too.

    Brenda – whooo hooo you made it, a new day!

    For me, I’ve offered to send Reiki/healing energy to people on another forum and was feeling totally overwhelmed and then! 4 other people jumped in and wanted to help – so we ended up with 5 senders (even just prayers, etc….) and 6 receivers.

    That felt like great synchroncity and took a burden off me – it was beginning to feel like, uh, oh! I’m just little…lol….

    and look, the Universe totally provided as many helpers as helpees…

    very cool.

    Wishing everyone a great and fab day,


  39.  #39Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:44 am


    RE: #34 – TY & YW! I feel surprised she’s so far behind, too.

  40.  #40Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Brenda it was not Alex Allman it was Andrea Allbright, sorry for the mixup. Two articles below from her.

    When it comes to understanding why certain foods
    have power over you, and why you always break
    your willpower when they’re around…

    You need to understand CRAVINGS and what they
    really are.

    You’re fighting against a very powerful force
    inside of you that is changing your hormones,
    energy, and emotions.

    If you’re eating foods that are high in sugar,
    chemicals, and other junk ingredients, you’re NEVER
    going to break free from cravings… not even if you
    have Wonder Woman’s willpower.

    But you can learn how to STOP the cravings by
    eating HEALTHY foods instead.

    This will give you TIME to see what’s really going
    on with your emotions and mind… to finally face what you’ve been avoiding, and get to the
    ROOT of your addictive behavior.

    “How To Avoid The Top 10 Mistakes
    Women Make In Losing Weight”

    Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Women Fail At
    Losing Weight – And How To Make Sure YOU Avoid
    Every One Of These Disastrous Common Mistakes…

    >>>> MISTAKE #1: Blaming Your Genetics

    Have you ever wondered why some women get
    the “skinny genes” and some women get the bad genetics that make them fat?

    Is it just bad luck?

    Just like me, I’m sure you’ve had girlfriends
    that can eat anything, never exercise and still look great…

    But for some unfortunate reason this lifestyle doesn’t keep YOU from getting fat.

    And if you’re like me, it’s almost impossible
    not to think that you have been genetically cursed
    with the “fat gene”.

    When I was a teenager, I actually thought, “God doesn’t love me because I don’t have the skinny genes like those women on television and in the magazines.” And that hit me at the core of my being. I felt hopeless and depressed, which only made me want to eat more and hate my body more…

    It’s an endless cycle. I was headed for obesity.

    But the TRUTH is that it was not God or my
    genetics that were keeping me from succeeding in
    getting into shape and staying in shape.

    It was hard to admit that to myself…

    Women are not overweight because of their “good” or “bad” genetics. Women are overweight because of their lifestyle and the choices
    they make. And guess what?

    Even someone with “good genetics” can get fat.

    Haven’t you ever seen someone who started off
    skinny but gained weight when she went to college,
    had a baby, or had some other major life-altering

    I’ve known LOTS of women that this has happened
    to. But their genetics didn’t change… they still have those “good genes” they were born with. But the good news is that, even women with “bad genetics” can have a killer body. I’m a perfect example of this. My entire family is obese, and I have the worst genetics when it comes to storing fat and gaining weight… but I’ve discovered secrets that are more powerful than genetics.

    And I’ve seen these secrets work for my clients and for countless other women who were born with those “fat genes”. It’s not genetics.

    I know that this might blow away your excuse for
    being overweight, and it’s hard to accept… but it’s time to let that go.

    Excuses are not serving you or helping you to lose
    weight… in fact, it’s holding you back…

    Until you accept this fact — that it’s NOT
    your genetics, you’ll NEVER have the weight loss
    success that you want.

    >>>> MISTAKE #2: Thinking That If You Can Do The Hard
    Work To LOSE The Weight, It Will Be Easier To KEEP
    It Off

    What do most women do when they have a special
    event they want to lose weight for?


    They go on some kind of radical, crash
    diet or take some “miracle pill” in order to
    “lose weight quickly”. Well, I have news for you… those radical diets and pills will not solve your weight loss problems.

    Never, ever, EVER.

    You cannot starve yourself for a short period of time and lose weight then expect to stay thin.

    Think about it.

    If you radically change your diet and eating
    habits, you MAY lose some weight, but what’s
    going to happen as soon as you go back to your
    normal life?

    Are you going to keep taking those pills and
    stay on that restricted, painful diet forever?

    It’s almost funny that we believe this and
    make this mistake over and over and over again.

    We all do it.

    We get motivated to change our life when we
    have some event to get excited about, but as soon
    as that special event is over, we lose our

    And we go back to our old ways.

    Shouldn’t it be obvious by now, that if we’ve
    all lost weight on one diet or another, and we all
    are still not in shape… that it must be HARDER
    to KEEP it off than to lose it?

    The truth is that lots of women can make a commitment and keep a commitment for 30 days and maybe lose some weight.

    Part of what makes that commitment possible is
    the idea, somewhere in the back of your mind, that
    you won’t have to keep this up much longer…

    We actually lay the groundwork for our ultimate
    failure while we are “on a diet” by thinking this

    It would be much better for your mental health to
    lose 5 pounds FOREVER than 50 pounds for 6 months.

    Isn’t that the worse feeling… when you start to
    gain it back and you feel powerless to stop it?

    Not only that, but statistics show that most
    people who lose a lot of weight actually gain back
    MORE than they lost.

    The question you need to ask yourself is not
    “How do I get into shape?” but “How can I STAY in

    How can you KEEP the results you are so
    desperate for?

    Taking pills and crash dieting?


    Bad idea. That will never keep you

    >>> MISTAKE #3: Going To The Wrong Sources

    I can’t even count the number of times when
    somebody has said to me, “You’ve GOT to try the
    so-and-so diet!” or “I lost 40 pounds after doing
    the whatever program!”

    It’s tempting because those numbers sure SOUND

    But if you stop for one moment, you might
    realize that the person telling you they lost 40
    pounds doesn’t look so good…

    In fact, in the following year, they GAINED 50
    pounds back.

    How is that person an EXPERT?

    So what about your doctor?

    She will probably say something like
    “eat less and exercise more.”

    That’s not really earth-shaking news.

    And if you’ve tried taking that advice, you
    know that long-term, it’s just too hard to
    stick with.

    But the worst source of all…

    It’s so easy to take the advice of someone that
    tells you it will be as EASY as taking a pill.

    We WANT to believe them.

    You’re desperate to find a quick fix… you’ll
    put up with the jittery feeling and the uncontrollable
    mood swings… and that might be worth it… if it would
    actually work.

    But think about it, after all that suffering does your
    body look any different?

    I’ve done it too many times… and it was all for
    nothing. I’m hoping to save you from some of that.

    Stop looking for solutions in the wrong places.

    >>> MISTAKE #4: Trying To Convince Yourself That SOME
    DAY When You Have The Money, The Better Job, The
    Better Relationship, The… WHATEVER… That You’ll
    Finally Be Able To Get Into Shape And Enjoy The
    Body That You Deserve

    How many times have you thought that celebrities
    have those great bodies because they have the money
    for the best trainers and nutritionists?

    Or that they have the TIME to work out…

    That they have some UNFAIR advantage?

    If you’re like me, then you’ve thought this
    a LOT.

    Well guess what?

    It’s only NORMAL to think this.

    That’s right, I said NORMAL.

    It’s a protection we have from taking a long,
    hard look at our own lives and habits…

    But there’s a danger to this thought.

    When you think these things, you send a clear
    message to yourself:

    “I don’t have the ability to get into shape
    because my life is too hard. Therefore, it’s
    not MY fault that I’m fat.”

    And thinking this allows us to live with
    ourselves in our inferior condition.

    Why are you making excuses to live BELOW your
    own standards?

    If you think you can wait, you are WRONG!

    Life is short and you want to enjoy a healthy
    and attractive body NOW, not “some day”.

    Especially when you know that if you keep
    saying “some day”, then “some day” will never come.

    I know, because I used to think that way.

    But I was lucky enough to accidentally discover
    the truth about why some women can stay in shape
    and others can’t.

    >>> MISTAKE #5: Not Knowing EXACTLY What To Do When
    Your Willpower Fails

    Another huge and unfortunate mistake that
    most women make is not preparing for the FACT

    It always does.

    Willpower does not last.

    And it DEFINITELY won’t carry you through
    when it gets really hard.

    It’s easy to have willpower when you first
    decide, “This is it! I’m getting into shape!”

    But about three weeks later, your willpower
    is gone… again.

    See, no matter how strong you think you are,
    no matter how different you think it’s going to be
    THIS time, it’s just not possible to keep up the
    willpower FOREVER.

    Not even if you’re the strongest person in the

    So what do you do when your willpower fails?

    If you’re like most of us… you have no idea.

    You never plan that far out.

    One thing that destroys all your success is
    that when you have even one little cheat you beat
    yourself up so badly that you become depressed,
    your enthusiasm fades, and then you’re into the
    downward spiral.

    Do you know about this downward spiral?…

    You cheat, you get depressed, you cheat again,
    and then you’re even MORE depressed, and you feel
    like a failure.

    Pretty soon you’ve given up completely.

    Obviously, basing your ability to get into
    shape on willpower alone is not going to cut it.

    You need a real, do-able, win-able strategy
    that does not depend on that on-again, off-again
    friend, “willpower”.

    There is a much better way…

    >>> MISTAKE #6: Allowing Big Companies And
    Advertisers To Get Into Your Head and Tell You
    What YOU Want And What YOU Want To Eat

    These big companies don’t care about
    you and your health.

    You are a consumer to them.

    They want you to be fat, they want you to be
    out of shape, they don’t care about the
    consequences to your health.

    In fact, they just want you to be addicted to
    their products.

    And even when you go looking for dieting
    solutions, they want you to come to them.

    They mislead you by using names like
    “healthy” or “lite” or “reduced calorie” to
    make sure they can still SELL you more when
    you’re “dieting”.

    They are just feeding you more addiction.

    They are the wolf in sheep’s clothing.

    They are very happy when you make mistake # 1
    and believe that it’s your genetics that are the

    They don’t want you to wake up.

    Car companies want to sell you cars and
    food companies want to sell you food.

    And addictive foods sell better because, just
    like cigarettes or even hard drugs, once you are
    addicted, they’ve got a customer for life.

    Ever try to pass up that bag of chips or
    cookies in the supermarket?

    Sure you do it once, you do it twice… but
    you always feel the pull… and eventually,
    one day when you’re feeling a bit depressed,
    you weaken.

    Do you tell yourself you’ll just eat one
    handful and then put the bag away? Have you
    ever thought about why you want them in the
    first place?

    You know in your heart of hearts, this is
    more than a one time craving– this is an addiction.

    They’ve got you.

    So the question is…

    How do thin, healthy women avoid falling
    into this trap?

    >>> MISTAKE #7: Believing that In Order to Have a
    Good Body, You Have to Suffer

    Now I’m going to blow your mind.

    Once you get through the first part of realizing
    that clinging to your bad habits is making you
    fat, making healthy choices can actually be…

    I know, I know. You’re thinking: “Now she’s
    going to try to convince me that not eating what
    I what I want, when I want, won’t be torture!”

    Just follow me here for a moment.

    I used to think that there is a clear choice
    that we all have to make in life- “fat and happy”
    or “in shape and miserable”.

    And who wants to be miserable?

    Not me, thank you. I’ll take being fat over
    misery any day.

    But every time I tried to lose the weight, it
    was miserable…

    My liberation came when I discovered that
    there was a way to get into shape that didn’t
    require suffering.

    And more importantly, it didn’t require me
    to do unhealthy things to my body.

    It is a way that allows me to love myself,
    and feel right about the process SPIRITUALLY.

    In other words:

    I have figured out a way to ENJOY the process
    of getting a smokin’ hot body.

    And I’m going to tell you exactly how
    YOU can too.

    >>> MISTAKE #8: Trying to BUY the Solution with a
    Pill, or Even Surgery

    Okay, I’m about to totally embarrass myself in
    front of you.

    I once put down my credit card number on a web
    site for pills promising that they would
    completely change my body and “melt fat off of my

    How can you go wrong with that, right?

    Well after 30 days of taking the pills,
    I hadn’t lost any weight and I still looked the

    In fact, the ONLY thing I gained was a severe
    addiction to diet pills.

    And as long as I’m being completely honest,
    I also considered liposuction surgery.

    I am so thankful that I didn’t put down
    thousands of dollars and subject my body to
    unnecessary pain and DANGEROUS surgery.

    Because I now know so many people who have
    had the surgery, and years later, they are right
    back where they were before- except with
    permanent scarring.

    But the scars on their skin are nothing
    compared with the scars on their spirits. Because
    they are more self-defeated than ever before.

    It’s truly sad.

    Liposuction surgery does NOT lead to
    permanent weight loss.

    Doubt me?

    Just ask anyone who has had liposuction more
    than a few years ago.

    Every one of them will tell you that they are in
    need of a “tune-up” and that the results did not last.

    The cold, hard truth is that only YOU can
    make the changes that will allow you to STAY
    in shape for a lifetime.

    And it’s MUCH EASIER than the doctors and
    the drug companies want you to believe.

    >>> MISTAKE #9. Not Understanding the Science of
    How Your Body ACTUALLY Works

    Fact: Starving yourself is NOT the answer.

    If you’re like most people, you probably think
    that getting into shape is simply a matter of eating

    Or maybe you’ve read all about these fad diets
    and think the answer is cutting out all

    Both of these solutions might work short term.
    You’ve probably already tried one or both methods.

    If you have, then I don’t need to write the
    next paragraph, you already know…

    The weight does not STAY off.

    These are short-term illusions.

    As everyone who’s done it knows… your
    body soon adjusts to the lower amount of calories,
    your metabolism drops as your biology goes into
    “starvation mode”.

    And your body, not knowing that your brain
    wants to lose weight, assumes that you are living
    in a time of famine where food is scarce.

    That’s when you hit “The Wall”. You were
    losing weight and suddenly, can’t lose another

    Worse, if you don’t stay on the reduced calorie
    diet, you gain weight faster than ever because you
    now have a SLOWER metabolism.

    Likewise, the body can be temporarily “fooled”
    into losing weight by cutting out carbohydrates.

    But the body is an amazing, adaptable machine.

    It soon adjusts to the new diet and you’re right
    back where you started from.

    Or worse…

    Because just like trying to starve yourself, if
    you reintroduce carbs into your diet (and to be
    healthy, you really must), you gain weight faster
    than ever.

    Fortunately there are actual, proven solutions
    that work WITH your body chemistry instead of
    AGAINST it…

    And it’s important that you have that knowledge
    before you set out to get into shape if you want
    it to last this time.

    >>>> MISTAKE #10. Not Getting Help

    This is the biggest mistake of all.

    This is the mistake that keeps most women from
    EVER getting into the kind of shape that they
    truly want.

    I know that most women don’t like to look
    foolish. We want people to think that we’ve
    got everything figured out. Asking for help seems

    In fact, we don’t like to admit that we even
    WANT to be thin.

    Have you ever tried to convince yourself that
    it doesn’t really matter… that it’s really not
    that important to you to get into shape and lose the

    Maybe it would be easier if you just didn’t care?

    I’ve had this conversation with myself so many

    Let me tell you a little about me and what I went
    through before I discovered the secrets to having the
    kind of body that I’ve always wanted…

    About seven years ago I became fed up with the
    fact that the mental image of who I always thought
    I would be when I was a child, did not match the
    way I actually looked on the outside.

    I never saw myself as a “heavy” person. And I
    kept asking myself, “How did I get here?!”

    It frustrated the hell out of me.

    One day I was out on the beach with my
    boyfriend, and he was looking at my body, and he
    told me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.

    To say the least, I was devastated. But it got

    He pulled out his camera, and told me that he
    wanted to take pictures of me, so that I could SEE
    what I looked like to him.

    Then he took photographs of me, while directing
    me not to “suck in my gut” and not to try to turn
    to the side to make myself look better as I would
    have normally done in front of a camera.

    I was so humiliated.

    And worse still, when I saw the pictures, when
    I saw what he saw…

    I agreed with him.

    Almost 1 year after that humiliating day, I made an
    accidental discovery that changed everything for me.

    After a lot of hard work and trying all kinds of crazy things, some too embarrassing to mention, I finally figured it all out.

    I found a deep, personal inspiration to pursue
    health… for ME.

    I am now a size 2, and I have more energy and
    more happiness in my life that I could have

    I dumped the jerk boyfriend, I am in the best
    health that I could have imagined, and I now get
    approached by men and women everywhere, asking me
    how I got this body… no one can believe that I
    used to be fat.

    It has been a very rewarding experience. I no
    longer live with that sick, insecure, guilty
    feeling of knowing that I’m cheating myself out of
    having the life and body that I always knew I

    I have friends and clients that were in the
    same condition that I was in, and I have shared my
    discoveries with them as well… and it has brought
    so much happiness and health into their lives.

    Some of them have never loved their bodies in
    their entire lives, but now they do.

    It is truly a blessing to share what I have
    learned, and so, after many requests, I actually
    sat myself down every night for several months,
    and wrote down everything that I have learned.

    After spending endless hours of research and
    reading all the other books out there…

    I know that the solutions offered in my book are
    really different from anything else out there.

    It is jam packed with dozens and dozens of
    specific strategies for overcoming cravings, and
    shows you specific scientific, psychological, and
    even SPIRITUAL methods for making real changes in
    your lifestyle, smoothly and easily, that will
    prevent you from ever having to rely on willpower

    And what’s even better is that this is NOT just
    some “eat less, exercise more” plan… these are
    completely different lifestyle improvements that
    you can actually LIVE with for a lifetime.

    I published the book as an online eBook that
    you can download right from your computer– in
    other words, you could be reading it literally
    minutes from right now.


    You can download the book today and review
    it for yourself for 2 full months and if it’s not
    right for you, I’ll send you a quick and no-question

    By actually applying the principles in your life,
    you will see for yourself what really works.

    Only then, will you be able to decide for yourself
    if I can help you find the success you deserve.

    If you’re like the vast majority of women who
    read my book, you’ll be thrilled with the results.

    But either way… it’s up to YOU.

    Why am I doing this?

    Because I care about you.

    I understand the pain you’re going through.

    I understand why you’ve made mistakes in

    I’ve been there myself.

    Most of the things I tried didn’t work.

    But here’s what did work.

    I truly want you to have this information.

    I want you to lose the weight.

    I want you to live a happy life in a body that you
    are proud of… I want you to have a healthy relationship
    with your body and with your SELF.

    I’m a woman just like you who has struggled with
    her weight since I was a teenager.

    I made some incredible discoveries that I
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    Click the link below and you’ll be reading it
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    I know, I know… an eBook that can change my
    life? No way.

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    I look forward to sharing your success story with
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    I’ll talk to you again in a few days…

    Love and Light,


    “After many years of struggling with diet, exercise and stress, I feel like you’ve given me the solution.

    I have been following your recommendations for almost 2 months now and I FEEL GREAT!!!

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    – Megan Way, Dallas TX

  41.  #41Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Re: naming your belly Bella…. I wonder if there are any cool body part names in song of solomon that could increase our body-love vibe.

  42.  #42Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 11:47 am

    I checked the Amazon site to write the review for Rori product but hit a few snags. First Amazon replied my e-mail account could not be found. Odd, I’ve had that account for years and Amazon is sending me Amazon product promotion emails to that account!!

    I filled out several query forms, still no go.

    I contacted the customer service department and they have now e-mailed me that I can telephone them for telephone interview. I’ll see how it goes. I wonder if everyone goes through this?


  43.  #43kaitlyn on February 28, 2011 at 11:47 am


    THANK YOU! MERCI for your advice last night.


    OMG OMG my dude put LIKE on my status update about me snarking about the Oscars. What do I do? Is this crumbs? If I do respond, should I be warm and open? Or is this crumbs? WOW.


    It would be crumbs if you thought you were in a relationship and you would be counting on him to make you feel good and you would not date anybody else.
    But you are aware he has broken, he is not even speaking to you, his “click” on your facebook is only saying he feels a bit better about the anger.
    That’s all there is for now, slow down.

    He has not spoken to you, he only clicked on “Like”
    If you write anything to respond, it will be will be more than he did, he will know you are jumping on him.
    Don’t move.
    He will look for more to do on your page, you have to wait.
    When he writes more than 2 words, that’s when you write back the equivalent, with cool vibes, no resentment, no anguish.

    If he does not do anything else on your page within a couple of days, then click on “like” of his status, hoping his status says something you really like, because you want to make sense. You don’t want him to feel you’d “like” anything just to keep his attention.
    If his status is mute, don’t click, don’t move, wait for him to put something worth “liking”.


  44.  #44Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:48 am


    RE: #25 – Ty!

  45.  #45kaitlyn on February 28, 2011 at 11:48 am

    I really need to start naming my dude/ex dude/whatev for this blog. Heh.

  46.  #46Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:48 am

    RE 27 Lisi I believe it has too many “you’s” in there still and comes across as blaming. I prefer “I am uncomfortable with the tickling of my daughter” or “I am uncomfortable with the tickling”.

  47.  #47Summerbaby on February 28, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I didn’t reply to a text that made me feel bad and angry. I thought about sending a feeling message, but I didn’t see that there was anything that could change what had happened and it would cloud my experience of his impending visit.

    I was also angry with my son but there was not much that would help the situation even with a feeling message.

    So I determined that I would choose to feel good, no matter what. In all actuality, without disclosing all of the details, things worked out rather nicely. He asked if I got the text that I didn’t answer when he arrived, and then when I said I had, he became all defensive of it, offering a lengthy explanation, even though I did not offer any feeling that I had surrounding it.

    I felt good with how the date turned out overall. I leaned way back and although I didn’t express what I was feeling, neither did I stuff it, I just refocused on something that was more within my control.

    I wonder if this is still okay within the guidelines of the tools, or if I just need to work on expressing my feelings better?

    Feedback, please?


  48.  #48kaitlyn on February 28, 2011 at 11:51 am

    I am so busy with my awesome life that I don’t even have TIME for FB for the next few days. THEN I’ll check my page. If he hasn’t dropped anymore gems on it, then I’ll put LIKE on one of his status updates. It will feel easy and authentic since he puts cool music up for his updates.

  49.  #49Wonder Woman on February 28, 2011 at 11:52 am


    Yesterday I was feeling all downy about the men in my life disappearing (even though they were not initiating or stepping up) so I did some riffing on the other thread and felt a whole lot better.

    So I wake up today and not only are the men coming back to me (typically now I do not want them as I did yesterday because it reinforced that they are no good for me and I was right to disregard them) 😉 but also I got two exciting offers in regards to my career.

    Not only that but someone I know who had been really negative about my self development is coming around to my way of thinking and is open to learning all these wonderful things and I feel really excited for them and happy that I will have someone close to share my experiences with who understands.

    Yes… is a good day today. 🙂

  50.  #50Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Lisi – my daddy used to tickle us until my mother “rang the bell….” and it was freaking awful! I will NOT react if someone tickles me now – it is very boundary overreaching, and took me years to realize how messed up that was. Thanks for sharing.

    And, something I’ve wondered – I get it on Feeling Messages, and that there are OTHER tools, too –

    but two things –

    1. some men may indeed respond to your feelings, but I’ve heard a lot of stories and experienced it when a man feels it’s like crying wolf over and over…and gets tired of “feelings”…like the song….lol


    2. are Feeling Messages confined to parts of your day, or relationship? If you want to talk about politics, philosophy, logistics, etc. you just talk, yes?

    Because I really believe some men love a brilliant mind, it’s a turn on and obviously, you have to coordinate lives, too.

    So, the tool for me, is best used to be authentic to YOU and in doing so, allow someone to feel and see you in your maybe vulnerable feelings and feel attracted to you and them….

    my experience is the “formula” being used on me feels bad, like it’s EASY to make me wrong if I don’t use the formula and you do, or if I use the formula and then you feel bad – I’m still bad cuz my feelings made your feelings feel bad…\

    I think that’s where my resisitance to this tool comes from, this actual blog usage of “feeling” messages, not Feeling Messages.

    And if I MAKE you feel bad and you feeling message me and I apologize, do you then just get to keep on telling me how and why I made you feel bad and am wrong? Do men do that? Ugh….how would one stop that because it doesn’t feel good here, and it would feel even worse if a guy beat me up with it – if a guy went on and on after I’d said my bad, actually I’d get all guyish on him and instead of walk away I’d order him away.

    So, really, the question remains how to resolve communication issues even whilst using the tools for me….

    My favorite tools are lean back, walk away, be the cat and do something else that feels good.

    Today, I’m going to practice on doing something else that feels good!

    And hope everyone has a great day doing what feels good to them~!

  51.  #51Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

    RE 47 Summerbaby I think it is good to try out different things to see what works. Many have expressed that it is not always easy to express feelings in the moment.

  52.  #52Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

    @25: Femininewoman says:
    “…Brenda If you subscribe to Alex Allman, she was on the temporary blog…”

    What, where is the “temporary blog?”


  53.  #53lilybelle on February 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

    30: FW

    Whew! I am making progress.


  54.  #54Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Summerbaby…sounds like you did the best thing for you 🙂 thats what matters here so…yay!! 🙂

    plus without knowing “details” it’s hard to say…not that we need to know them..

    but you took care of you and you obviously had a “siren” vibe lol…i love it!

  55.  #55Luzydel on February 28, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    I feel that I should not put focus on one man before he focus on me first…I feel that best relationship I can have right now is the relationship with myself and my feelings. That will lead me to the realtionship I want with a man.

    I am moving forward…

  56.  #56Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    @27: Lisi says:
    “…Scarlet –
    1. When I saw you tickle my daughter until she got upset with you — I felt angry, upset and bothered…”

    I hope no one actually did this; I was upset to read it.


  57.  #57Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    236: Brenda says:
    “…Re: #29 – I emailed a bunch of the sirens about it after Rori gave me a link…”

    I got e-mail from you about blog going down — thanks — but didn’t see anything about “temporary blog.”


  58.  #58Wonder Woman on February 28, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    I have a hard time expressing my feelings mostly because now I realise I never really knew what I was feeling. Now I am becoming more aware of the underlying feelings but sometimes it feels repetitive to constantly say I feel….all the time.

    Having said that I see it gets results and it’s something I am learning to live with and I can see it’s gets directly to the point and cuts out all the fluff and that is something I have always done…..gone around the houses and back to get my point across so I guess for me it’s just getting used to expressing myself in one sentence instead of speaking for ages and having someone tell me “just get to the point”….!! 🙂

  59.  #59Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Lisi…not that I’m the expert…but what about something like this…

    it felt bad to me to see my daughter get upset for being tickled too much…ive been a feeling angry about it and i don’t want that to happen anymore

    and then drop it…or you can ask “what do you think” but that seems irrelevant…

    Lisi..what do you think?

  60.  #60kaitlyn on February 28, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Holy shite I’m so busy and creative lately, I barely have time to mail in my work to my boss. CD-ing a female friend. I’m dressing up and we’re doing lunch. No idea if she’s dressing up. But I like to.

  61.  #61Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    oops..Ive been feeling…not “ive been a feeling” lol i do that all the time

  62.  #62Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    yay sound really good today too..yay for being toooooo busy for FB! lol

  63.  #63Daria on February 28, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    Luzydel – I feel ‘that’. Is not a feeling statement. Kudos for practicing incorporating ‘feel.’. The next step is to make sure it’s a true feeling.

    Anytime you can say I feel ‘that’. Its actually an I Think that.

    Can’t use that after feel. It’s gotta be a named feeling or Body sensation. Or a description of being.

    Ie: I feel great

    I feel like I’m falling over – description

    I feel pain in my chest.

  64.  #64tinque on February 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Yes Summerbaby, yay!!! It’s not necessary to express each and every feeling. Maybe the good ones, but unless it’s overwhelming, most of the time it’s not that important overall, so to redirect your focus without stuffing is awesome. YAY.


  65.  #65Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    FW, I just want to say thanks to you. You give SO MUCH back to the women on this blog. I have learned a lot from you in my short time on here. Sometimes when I see you’ve responded to one of my posts, I feel a simultaneous clench in my gut and a lightening in my chest…both…because I know 1) you’ve read what i said and I will feel valued as a member of this community by you, 2) you’re probably gonna call me out on something but, 3) you’re gonna be right about it, and 4) I’m gonna learn something valuable from what you have to say.

    Just wanted to express my feelings of appreciation. And ask you to keep calling me out when I need it 🙂 Because I am still learning and still really struggling with feeling messages especially.

  66.  #66Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    RE 59 Jilly I like your suggeston, up to then drop it. What he thinks in a situation where the child was obviously upset seems irrelevant to me. He obviously crossed her boundary. I am always concerned about bringing in men into my daughter’s life. I guess that is one of the things holding me back.

  67.  #67Alonka on February 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm


    Thank you for your support;)

    Re: feeling messages the first feeling I normally have is fear. Everything else is underneath it. So it’s hard to express what’s underneath without mentioning fear

  68.  #68Pamelala on February 28, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    I feel sad that I didn’t know about the temporary blog. 🙁 I checked Rori’s FB page to see if there might be some info on there about the blog outage, but there was nothing. Ah well, I got some stuff done around the house and brainstormed and worked on my vibe for the Biggest Loser casting call on Saturday. So, time was not wasted. 🙂

    Hope I didn’t miss anything wonderful though!

  69.  #69Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm


    Re: #47 – I have no way of responding to your question without knowing what the text said or why you were angry with your son.

    In general, Rori says don’t stuff bad feelings.

  70.  #70Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 12:29 pm

    It’s not “wrong” to not use FM’s. It’s just that it is often easier to hear another person’s heart and connect with her when she speaks from an authentic, non-judging place – which is the beauty of FM’s.

  71.  #71Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    This was what I got regarding the temporary blog. In relation to the blog itself not much was missed by those who weren’t there.

    Hello Sirens,

    It looks like Loneplum already sent a group email, so please excuse me if this is repeat to any of you.

    Rori wrote:

    Loneplum – I arranged with my best friend’s site to put up a password protected post for us to use as a temporary “siren” blog: it’s here:

    http://www. siren-temporary-blog/

    and the password is modern siren (with space between words) – I’ll go visit before I go to bed to see if it’s working and if anyone is there –
    I’ll answer!

    It’s a great site, and he’s an affiliate for me – so I love it there…

    Sincerely, Rori Raye

  72.  #72Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Re: the tickling, or anything else to do with a child. I never mixed my parental responsibilities with pleasing a man or anyone else. My duty to protect a child comes first.

    Some people do not have a clue about children or how to treat them. I would stop him immediately and not pussyfoot around about my feelings. I’d explain it to him AFTER he stopped.

    I certainly would not want my child to hear me talking about “my feelings” to a man who had caused distress. I would want my child to feel confidence in my ability to protect her.

    I grew up knowing if someone bothered me, my parents were on the case! I can’t even imagine my mother or father saying “I feel bad when you hit/tease/tickle/steal from/name call my child.” Oh, no that would never do.


  73.  #73Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    SLV – you once asked me about “est” – lol, it’s very Californian, so I’m sure some of us heard of it or did it…and everyone is invited….

    and this is how I most often hear feeling messages, it’s a book excerpt –

    Boy, are they reasonable about their lives! And you know where that leads, right into a statement that goes, “Darn, I don’t understand, I should have gotten ____________________, Why, I __________________, and I ____________ _______________ ______________________, and I even ____________ —– _______________ but I still lost out. Something is definitely wrong with the world.”

    You can fill in the blanks – you are intimately familiar with the situations and experiences because that was your life.

    What I want you to get from this discussion is the fact that the people who are stuck ….at rightness…are really stuck. I mean they really believe they’re right; they’re genuine when they want to spend the next two hours having you listen to the tale (and then agree with them). Similarly, people who approach you with a point of view that is diffeent from yours really believe that theirs is correct; yours is in error.

    ….His mind is serving up pictures which are intended only to make him “survive,” which means he must be right at all costs.

    And – very importantly – in getting what you want from people you must get the to point of acknowledging and accepting the genuineness, perfection and the hard reality of what they believe.

    …you must not try to chage the fact that they’re right. Oh, no, you just acknowledge and leave it ALONE.

    In fact, one of the key guidelines to getting your life to work is so simple it’ll stagger you. It is to:

    Give up being right.
    Totally and completely.

    Let the other guy be right; you go on and win the game….and please note that I didn’t say “give up on what you truly want out of life.” I simply said to give up being right about it.

    He suggests our lives will become 50% better – really more like 80% or 90% if we do this…

    and there’s a few more insights to go with it…

    but I wanted to start here. Feeling messages are a way to be right as my mind dissects them. Who can argue with a feeling? It is brilliant…

    but feels manipulative to me. I feel manipulated when women speak to me in feeling messages…

    and I’m totally willing to give up being right here – ever.

    but I’m not giving up on wanting what I truly want out of life!


  74.  #74Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    FW…i agree…@66

    Pamelala…biggest loser casting call???? that sounds exciting…

    i need the blog to go down so i can get some stuff done jk lol…i feel addicted today…lol

  75.  #75Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm


    RE: #49 – Congratulations!

  76.  #76Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    SLV well said. Reading you comment I now realize my belief around that is the same. I would address it directly as now in retrospect I have addressed such things in the past, as in my daughter sittiing on a guy’s lap or asking him for money. I have forbidden her and have told him so. He was not offended but shared a story of how an ex brought a young man in the house and how his daughter eventually got pregnant. He went ballistic with the ex when he learnt about the guy in the house alone with his daughter.

    As a matter of fact it is the one time I believe I would throw a hissy fit with a man, if I perceive my child is being hurt in any way. I have had close calls in my childhood around rape so anything with children I realize I feel paranoid and enraged whenever things fall in gray areas. Sorry for the rant……..

  77.  #77Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Boomer thank you. I write as if I am talking to myself to keep me in check.

  78.  #78Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Scarlet, Jilly… not sure where the tickling convo started but that was an issue with my ex-h and our daughter. i felt very disturbed when he wouldn’t stop when she was crying and yelling “stop!” One time was particularly horrifying – he laid on top of her on the kitchen floor – she was 12. 🙁

  79.  #79Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm


    RE: #50 – Those are really deep questions. Underlying feeling messages, Rori says to add, “But I’ll be okay.” I forget how she words it but the idea is to express how you feel but not in a “damsel in distress” way that makes the man feel like he’s constantly got to rescue you or you’ll fall to pieces.

    He may go for that a time or two, but then he starts to tire of it and/or see it as a ploy, and he just rolls his eyes.

    Maybe you are talking in a more subtle level. I am not sure beyond that and can only speak for myself: I do my best to be true to myself and speak what I feel, even if it isn’t always what the other person wants to hear.

    What do you think/feel?

  80.  #80Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    hmm… i don’t get triggered on here too often…but Im starting to feel triggered and defensive…i’m walking away…it just got easy for me to get off the blog and get busy with what i need to do

    Lucy i like what you expressed 🙂

  81.  #81Daria on February 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    It feels bad to think that talking about my feelings to a man regarding my child – is not a great example of both boundaries and communicating, protecting the child and building great relationship.

    I don’t like thus belief or view of feeling messages.

    Feeling messages are always a way to create understanding harmony And in thus case, set healthy boundaries.

    Other words just won’t work as well to do all this, no matter how ‘harsh’ or whether our parents used them and they ate familiar to us.

    Harsh is not better or more protective.

    Demanding boundaries are not stronger.

    Sigh – Umph! Am I thinking feeling statements are weak compared to other forms of communication?

    Maybe I am.

    I commit to using self expression and boundaries to live my life in a healthy way and extend that to my family.

  82.  #82Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    RE 79 Brenda I can’t deal with a man who rolls his eyes. I have to call him out on that. I feel disrespected and belittled in the presence of eye rolling.

  83.  #83Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Daria I respect your feelings but for me I need a man who will show respect for my child otherwise I can live without him. Too much going on the world today.

  84.  #84Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 12:47 pm


    RE: #52 – I am almost sure you were included in the email, too. LonePlum and I sent Rori’s message to all the Sirens we could:

    Rori wrote:

    Loneplum – I arranged with my best friend’s site to put up a password
    protected post for us to use as a temporary “siren” blog: it’s here:

    and the password is modern siren (with space between words) – I’ll go
    visit before I go to bed to see if it’s working and if anyone is there –
    I’ll answer!

    It’s a great site, and he’s an affiliate for me – so I love it there…

    Sincerely, Rori Raye

  85.  #85Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    i’m WITH everyone…i was tickled way too much WAY past comfortable as a child and i HATED it!!! I would be crying and yelling… i wish someone would have helped me…

    Lucy i was referring to post #70

  86.  #86Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    J, i wonder why you feel that way about FM’s. I see them as a way to express our authentic, vulnerable feelings without judging, blaming, or making anyone “right” or “wrong.” True FM’s – the RR way – have no agenda, no manipulation, no “rightness.” <3

  87.  #87Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm


    RE: #57 – Sorry about that. I did my best to include everyone whose email address I had. I thot I had included you in both emails.

  88.  #88Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    ps…you know upon re-reading Rori’s post she says, “after a lifetime of stuffing feelings…” aha!

    I never stuffed my feelings, I was always thinking I WAS my feelings, and I certainly never didn’t express them. I expressed them all over the place – I was that person who truly thought I was right because I had a FEELING…. laughing at myself….

    so the point of view would be quite different from someone such as myself and someone such as my best friend who has spent her life stuffing her feelings and so afraid she’ll like, destroy the world if she speaks them, huh?

    I love feelings!

  89.  #89Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    SLV and FW – I am with you on that one – the child’s protection is paramount.

  90.  #90gina on February 28, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    one scenario in which feeling messages don’t feel adequate is when it comes to abuse. I believe that D is abusive and controlling in the sense that he deliberately does stuff to piss me off cause he thinks I deserve it. I wonder if maybe he’s angry or if it’s worth it to try to deal with it. And I feel all mixed up. But when I judge him, it seems easier to separate myself. any thoughts??

  91.  #91Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 12:52 pm


    RE: #67 – YW – I struggle with fear, too. I wrote what I said to you as a reminder to myself as much as to you.

  92.  #92patti on February 28, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Hi all

    I feel happy, and a bit guilty
    My bf of 11 years called it quits about a month ago (we still live in same home)
    He moved on,,found another woman, well really before our “official” breakup. Now he tells me that she dumped him. All I can do is grin about it. Like a cheshire cat, I feel sadnesss for him because I want him to be happy, yet I cannot stop myself from also feeling elated that it didnt work out.
    Any suggestions on how to have a bit more compassion?
    I don’t like feeling happiness when others are makes me feel very mean and cruel.

  93.  #93Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Brenda – yeah! for the but I’ll be okay! I wonder if they hear that? and I certainly hope we say it…I love it!

    and Lucy I know you feel them that way, but I so often feel mother bear attacked if I speak to you at all, like you pounce on one thing – disrespec
    t, and ignore the whole, “they’re not good enough for you….I hope you can leave the past behind” message – even if you’ve said that’s what you want to do for weeks, if I say it, suddenly I’m the big bad -and these people are people you “love!”

    so I’m saying this tentatively to you; and inviting you and everyone to explore these deeper thoughts I bring to the subject….we often fall into the trap of not “just” having a point of view but of believing we ARE the point of view.

    And I vote for all points of view, as long as I get to have the relationship I want (as promised)


    ‘kay gone for the day yall

    and Daria! Great to have you back, I was missing you and imagining you being out and being ….worshipped is the only word that fits! Hope so….

  94.  #94Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    k i really do need to go…

    but i feel misunderstood 🙁 i dont like feeling that way

    i agree the tickling thing is BAD and needs to be stopped

    I agree with Daria that it seems that feeling messages are viewed as “less than” communication…

    Daria said: Harsh is not better or more protective

    I fully agree…

    k for real…i’ll be back later

  95.  #95Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm


    RE: #68 – Sorry you didn’t know about it. If you feel like it, you could email me at and I can add your email to my list in case anything like this ever happens again. Or to LonePlum.

  96.  #96Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Thanks Jilly. What are you triggered about?

  97.  #97Daria on February 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    I’m still feeling happy – hormonally ? – about the time spent w getright man

    I have doubts – like that he’s talking about he has a gf and she’s pregnant – but it’s almost like that’s not affecting me

    I might be deep in imaginary land – and I’m feeling good here, imagining his love coming to me. I’m not sure what is going on and I’m ok with that.

    I just live this floating in ocean of love feeling…feeling myself really powerful.

  98.  #98Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:03 pm


    RE: #73 – That was terrific! I feel feelings so feelingy that I can’t express my deepest feelings! LOL!

    Inotherwords, you are saying to keep an open mind and not be too sure about anything. I buy that.

    I find feeling messages to be powerful and effective, and I also honor the boy energy in me that kicks in when appropriate.

    Here are is a feeling message to put in your back pocket for the day:

    I feel terrific and I’m getting better!

  99.  #99Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    patti How about flipping that. I feel gratitude that now he knows he had a gem.

    I would also suggest that you really check yourself to see if you felt good with him and if you really want the relationship to work. It is likely he will try to get you back and it might be a great opportunity to experiment with Rori’s tools and circular dating. It will not easy for him to get the same sense of comfort he had with you. I have heard enough stories to believe he would rather deal with your quirks.

  100.  #100Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    Daria, I agree. The first thing i said in the incident with my daughter (i think) was “GET OFF HER!” Maybe would’ve been better to say “I feel scared and horrified.” But would he have stopped as quickly? Would she have felt protected if his behavior continued while he puzzled over my FM’s. I’m asking sincerely, pondering…..

  101.  #101Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:06 pm


    RE: #80 – ????

    What triggered you?

  102.  #102Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:08 pm


    RE: #82 – Me too, on eye-rolling. Instant shut-down.

  103.  #103Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    RE: Tickling

    My Mom’s sisters rolled her up in a carpet when she was little and tickled her unmercifully. She’s been extremely claustrophobic ever since.

    Tickling is also a form of torture. Asian women are often tickled and the discomfort of it turns into perverted methods of arousal. What is perverted is that when you confine someone and tickle them, you are violating their free will and controlling them.

  104.  #104Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Lucy for me there are too many stories in pop culture where the child was molested and the adult did not believe because she could not believe her man would do something like that. I guess it is the place of my intolerance. The movie Color Purple comes to mind where the dad took the kids and just sent them off. I am glad the topic came up because I now have another area of beliefs and feelings that I am exploring. I feel really angered when a child is at risk in any way. I actually feel that my purpose in life is related to chidren and their wellbeing.

  105.  #105Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:13 pm


    RE: #88 – Well, there ya go! LOL! 🙂

  106.  #106Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    J, my experience of your communication with me – and the reason I would love to see you learn FM’s – is that your words to me usually include judgments, directives, “making wrong,” and disses of people I care for. That’s exactly what Rori is teaching us NOT to do bc it pushes ppl away and, really, is an attack and slap and lack of respect. The few times you have expressed to me your authentic feelings, I have felt your heart and been moved to compassion. It’s the “hard on the inside, soft on the outside” th

  107.  #107Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Rori teaches. It is a beautiful way to connect heart to heart.

  108.  #108Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    I have to review but I remember in CCarter’s information where he talks about Fitness for a relationship. He suggests that a man is hardwired to choose a woman who is physically fit to bear young so he unconsciously looks for a woman whose frame suggests that she could produce strong young ones and looks for behavior that suggests she would protect the child as well as his assets. I really have to review that.

  109.  #109Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:21 pm

    Just read something that suggests that ginger can help with bad breath and some inflammatory diseases.

  110.  #110Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    I am reposting my walk-away letter to Ryan from the temporary blog. I feel this tight knot of raw pain in my middle today. It’s there most of the time, but it’s especially excruciating today. :=(

    Dear Ryan,

    You were a major catalyst and facilitator in me pursuing emotional healing in an intensive way. I will forever be grateful to you for our precious friendship, and for all you taught me on so many levels.

    I feel scared much of the time when we interact, and I don’t want to feel like I am forever walking on eggshells. I don’t want to be a crumb-taker in our friendship, and this feels bad to me. I want to feel valued in friendship, and I don’t. I want to feel free and easy in a friendship, and I don’t. I feel treated like dog meat at times. I love you, and I love it when we share good conversation. But all too often, I feel like I am pulling hens’ teeth. I know I initiate too often, but that is because I miss you.

    I wish you would let our friendship have a fresh start for real, rather than holding all my shortcomings from 2009 against me. I KNOW I messed up, bigtime. I feel bad for being too controlling; for being too teachy and preachy. How I wish I could have a do-over, to just start back at Christmas Eve 2008 with the knowledge, skills, and wisdom I have now. I want to cry when I think about the serious mistakes I made in the realm of emotional intelligence.

    This is going to feel like hell, but I am walking away from our friendship for now. I don’t want to be a crumb-taker in our friendship. If you ever feel like having a real two-way, in person friendship, I welcome that. Until then, I am finding that this long distance friendship is not working for me. I will forever cherish all the beautiful, intimate, timeless, precious moments we shared. I love you unconditionally, endlessly, radically, stubbornly. I have never loved another human being as I love you. I will continue to pray for you every day.

    Love, Brenda

  111.  #111Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm


    RE: #97 – You said, “I just live this floating in ocean of love feeling…feeling myself really powerful.”

    That’s beautiful! I like that!

  112.  #112Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Hey, my ladies! Missed you all with my busy kid weekend. Had dinner with a sweet CD (BlueEyedItalianGuy) who seems to dig me, and that felt GREAT. Had significant phone and email contact with AlphaMale (the one who seems to know the Rori language and uses it in conversation). He is a paradox, let me tell you!

    When we speak “in human” on the phone, he is articulate and thoughtful and gentle and very WOW. I did express my feelings of discomfort at his emailed assertion that “I am there for his pleasure,” and he came back quickly with an apology explaining that he misspoke (miswrote?)…he meant to write MY pleasure is his pleasure. And he explained himself a bit in a way that felt genuine.

    Several emails and conversations later, this man thoroughly intrigues me. He is a bit too sex-focused for so early in our get-to-know-you phase, and I have moved the conversation away and have not indulged with him. I our email exchange today, I made strides with what I think are really good feeling messages (you be the judge???) and set boundaries about sex-based conversations:

    “I would feel safer/better avoiding too much talk about sex too soon, although it’s clear that we are both very intense in that area, and the temptation to share with you my thoughts and feelings about it is strong, but…cart before the horse and all that. I feel so comfortable talking about so many other things with you. What do you think?”

    He replied that he agreed, but then went on to write two fairly graphic–albeit playful–paragraphs about wanting to kiss me and fondle me and so on…and so I said:

    “I’m still feeling good about our ‘I can be me with you and you can be you with me’ vibe. But I do feel a little unheard–although I appreciate your playfulness and feel a definite cool attraction to you–two paragraphs of sex talk after I pretty clearly established a boundary? Icky. I feel so much more at ease meeting if I’m not afraid a man is focused on sex. I was enjoying our dynamic of focusing on things other than sex. I’d feel better having that for a little while longer. What do you think?”

    And he replied:

    “I’m truly sorry. That was my fault completely. There lies my problem. For me that was not about sex. That was about me showing affection in a physical and playful way. Yes, meant to build towards the desire to have sex eventually, but separate and distinct from sex as far as I was concerned.

    BUT I understand your boundary now and I won’t cross it again unless invited. Please forgive me. I forget we’ve only know each other for a few days and have never actually met. I’ll reign it in.”

    So…still a good guy with some minor self-control issues or a player/cad/red flags-a-wavin’ kinda guy???

  113.  #113Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    @73: Jacqueline says:
    “…Feeling messages are a way to be right as my mind dissects them. Who can argue with a feeling? It is brilliant…
    but feels manipulative to me. I feel manipulated when women speak to me in feeling messages…”

    We are all entitled to our feelings. We create them and own them. However, some times what is expressed in “feeling messages” aren’t “feelings.” You know the ones. They go something like this:

    I feel
    I feel the dog is
    I feel the dog is hungry for more
    I feel the dog is hungry for more of your hamburger.

    It’s a turn off for me. But kind of funny, too. LOL 😆


  114.  #114Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:25 pm


    RE: #100 – “GET OFF HER!” was an appropriate use of boy energy. Just like if a man broke in your house and was attacking your daughter, you wouldn’t use feeling messages. You would scream and call 9-1-1.

  115.  #115Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    RE 110 Brenda I experienced that when I deleted the telephone number. If I remember correctly Gay Hendricks says that is fear if it is in your stomach. If it is your chest it is heartache. I think of it is as tearing off a piece of yourself where you were mutually joined with the other person so there is no other way but to feel it. Katherine Scott suggests to sit with it a for couple of days you will eventually feel better and stronger. I can tell you that if he comes back up you will be stronger with your boundaries.

  116.  #116Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    J, what did you mean by “and these people are people you ‘love’!”?

  117.  #117Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    FW, my daughter uses ginger all the time for the inflammation that comes with her diagnosis.

  118.  #118Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    RE 112 Boomer that could have him being himself. Also remember the physical attraction is what comes up first. I am wondering if you could help him to still express himself and not be totally shut down around sex? Reason I say it is because you said “avoid too much talk of sex”. It hit me as a t contradiction as if you are not sure if you want him to avoid it or talk about it. Maybe something to the effect of “ooh too much information”.

    IMHO there should be some freedom for him to talk about the topic. They are mostly focussed on it so it will come up. I liked how Lori expressed herself to the guy around her sex boundaries. It told him exactly how she would expect to be treated in relation to it.

  119.  #119Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Oh, SLV…I feel….

    I feel cracking up!! you are a delight.

    And Lucy – I broke my promise! to myself and got lured into a convo…do you see how you did that?…to once again be told how terribly wrong I am and was and how much you love someone whom you don’t date, may have -from my faulty memory and the many stories, a girlfriend and who wants a three way. Of course it’s all good. And, yeah, that’s sarcasm. Your comments just don’t feel heart to heart to me, but they sure feel like you’re the one with the more valid method of communicating, the better knowingness of love and just in general – far superior in your grasp of the world and getting love.

    But!…. My bad, I’m sorry. AGAIN…

    For you, I’m awful and confrontational and judgemental and scary and just plain domineeringly NOt! feminine – I got it!!

    Now can we just agree to disagree? and NOT communicate in any way?

    I can! That would feel GREAT!

  120.  #120Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    I wonder if ginger helps with the inflammation of arthritis?

  121.  #121Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    @81: Daria says:

    “…Harsh is not better or more protective…”

    There is no need to be harsh. I don’t assume that anything other than a “feeling message” is harsh. I do believe more direct is more protective, at least it has been in my experience. But that’s my opinion. You may differ.


  122.  #122Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    That reminds me -Daria! Been meaning to tell you – bc of you I put skin brushes in my kids’ christmas stockings – and my daughter uses hers everyday and says it helps her feel better both physically and emotionlly! so thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience with such things!

  123.  #123Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm


    RE: #112 – He sounds wonderful! And you handled the feeling messages beautifully – I saved them for future use! I think he responded very well. I don’t see any red flags there.

  124.  #124Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    wow Brenda. When did you send that letter to Ryan? Has he said anything back? (((Brenda)))

  125.  #125Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    FW – love #115…emotions are located in the body, yeah…and identifying them by where is very cool. Do you think you could find that source info?

    And, Bren…awww….crud. Remember the high, the empowerment and hey! maybe you were just donning your bullet proof vest one more time –

    don’t sink too far in the soup where you can’t crawl out, but dive into it for the gem?



  126.  #126Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    @84: Brenda says:
    “…SLV, RE: #52 – I am almost sure you were included in the email, too. LonePlum and I sent Rori’s message to all the Sirens we could…”

    Yours didn’t include the temp blog info. I didn’t receive one from Lone Plum. It’s OK, I’ve had a bad patch of Internet connectivity and I was wa-a-a-a-ay behind on posts on regular blog anyway. AND, i got some much needed reading done. So, it was a win for me.

    Thanks anyway. Love ya!


  127.  #127Ella on February 28, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Hello Lovely Sirens,

    I am feeling super triggered today.

    Mr B has asked to see me for the past 2 nights and I have said no both times due to late invites and being busy.

    Anyway he called me up to make a plan for later in the week. All good, he is getting it, except I got massively triggered by the phonecall.

    It is his day off on Wed when he wants to see me, and normally on his day off he would probably do his substance.

    He knows I don’t want it around me.

    He asked me to do something with him that evening.

    Immediately my mind goes back to the time when he came out with the powder all over his nose and he was lieing to me about it.

    And I begin to feel ANXIOUS.

    I express how I am feeling.

    He says he won’t do it and I don’y have to worry. I still feel worried – that is what he said before, and he lied.

    I feel distrustful.

    Anyway we come off the phone and I realise I am feeling super stressed, uptight etc…

    This always triggers me into wanting to express, which is fine, but it feels urgent, like an emergency.

    I am guessing this is to do with co-dependance?

    So I am trying to soothe myself and work with my feelings and my urge is to text him and tell him how I am feeling.

    This time I did text.

    I feel confused on this, I need/want to express this stuff otherwise how can I ever get past it? It is important that we express as soon as is viable.

    But contacting him is leaning forward…

    What is a good thing to do in this kind of situation?

    Now I got triggered because I feel afraid of not having strong enough boundaries, but mainly of being lied to and feeling a mug.

    I feel afraid of mugging myself off by spending time with him. And this is what triggers my anxiety feelings.

    And I thought I heard something in his voice like disappointment that he would not be able to do his drug.

    Now this is not what I want. I want him to make his own choices regardless of me, and for me to do the same.

    My fear is him wanting to do it but wanting me too so telling me he won’t and then sneaking and doing it anyway. This will feel awful to me and I feel stress about this scenario, which has occured before.

    So I wanted to tell him it is his choice.

    Anyway I sent the text… and I kinda know it is not ideal, cus it was sent whilst I was in over-functioning/anxious state of mind.

    And I think it probably comes across as blaming… even though it isn’t meant to.

    On the other hand I really want to express this stuff – big time.

    ‘Hey. I feel a bit uptight about stuff after our phonecall. I am not sure I expressed myself well. I am not telling you what to do or trying to influence you. It is always your choice whether you want to take it or not. And if that is what you choose sometimes I am not going to judge or even say anything.
    However I don’t want to be around you at those times. This is my choice. If we can respect each other that would feel good…

    (ok Sirens, not disasterous – I WISH I had stopped there. But I didn’t! I carried on and also said the following, all in the same text! Arghh, silly lil me 🙁 Men don’t respond to words in a text Ella! But I wanted to express how I FEEL D8mn it!)

    …. I also still feel mistrustful. It is my belief that you still do it around me but you have toned it down. I have accepted this thus far because I believe you care about me and r doing your best plus I have felt respected. I feel afraid of feeling like a mug.’

    Urghh and that was the terrible sum of it.

    The thing is it is all true.

    I feel ok being around him recently and have been doing the CRAFT method which talks about the addict choosing to do less being progress in the right direction.

    Plus I have not felt uncomfortable in his presence recently, and he has never done it blatently or got wasted in front of me.

    So this I have chosen to accept for now.

    However I honestly believe, and my intuition tells me that he is still doing some, even when he is going to see me… the signs are there.

    I feel it and I trust me more than him.

    And I get really really triggered by this. Not even so much bc he is doing it… IT IS BECAUSE HE IS DECIEVING ME.

    And I don’t even thinks he means me any harm or even plans to decieve me.

    I can feel his love and it feels loving, not like he wants to hurt me.

    This deception is part of the addiction illness.

    But it triggers me because I feel disrespected. And also that if I accept this, and don’t say anything I am contributing to the denial.

    Do I say I know? How do I say this without accusing or blaming.

    And as for the text, well methinks that sounds blaming and judgemental, esp the 2nd part…

    And is overfunctioning and needy.

    I would really appreciate some input on this.



  128.  #128Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:43 pm


    RE: #115 – Thank you! I feel it in both my stomach and my chest, and it is both fear and heartache.

    When he came closer, I realized I was still very much in love with him, and that I was unable to keep that feeling at bay, even tho I myself only want a friendship as long as he is controlled by schizophrenia.

    I fear I will never find a man who understands me and fascinates me as well as Ryan. I miss him so bad I can’t stand it. Having phone contact only just deepened my feelings while giving me only a taste of his presence. Like having one bite when you’re hungry for a big meal.

    I feel bored with most men. I don’t want to settle. I want the best of the best. And I want to be my best self.

  129.  #129Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Brenda, 114. Thanks. Yeah, that’s what the baseball bat under my bed is for. 😉

  130.  #130Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    @85: Jilly says:
    “…i’m WITH everyone…i was tickled way too much WAY past comfortable as a child and i HATED it!!! I would be crying and yelling… i wish someone would have helped me…
    Lucy i was referring to post #70…”

    Jilly, I feel for you. Some people really don’t understand the feeling of intrusiveness and powerlessness this brings to a child. We were never allowed to do it so i never allowed anyone to do it to my child either; it just seemed natural. But some people, men usually, don’t understand this. People in this world aren’t perfect and often do things not out of hatred but out of misunderstanding.

    Now, with your understanding you will be able to step in and help another child.



  131.  #131Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Boomer I did not mean to beat you up in anyway there. Just wanted to point out he might have registered your expression as a little vague or ambiguous. I believe that communication is the response you get. So though he apologized in the end I would be careful when communicating with him to keep checking in to make sure that he registers my message the way I meant it, not assuming that he did. Reember that many coaches say that 99% of single men don’t know how to do relationships properly but we go around expecting that they do. Seeing that we are learning here I wonder how much latitude we should give to them to make mistakes. Is that the reason why boundaries are so essential; trial and error? I wonder?

  132.  #132Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    RE 125 It was in one of Gay Hendricks book. I read several Conscious Living, Conscious Loving, The Big Leap. Maybe SLV could help because I know she is currently reading but not sure if she has any of his books. He speaks about them in most of his writings. He also has a website with some freebies that might include it.

  133.  #133Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    FW, Brenda, thanks for the insights. I always feel appreciation when my LONNNNNG posts get your attention and thoughtful replies.

    Don’t get me wrong, FW–I am in the top 1% of sexual women on the planet, I think. But I have noticed a pattern in my potential relationships stalling because of sexual talk and sex too early. I really feel scared of this pattern I see in myself, and I feel empowered now with vocabulary and a sense of my boundaries to heal this for myself.

    I want to stay aware of this boundary until I feel a true sense of safety with this guy (or any guy). I feel proud of myself for taking the babysteps: recognizing that I was uncomfortable (previously, I would have laughed to show how “cool” I am, said something dirty back, and then felt icky without expressing it), using feeling messages, setting a boundary. ALL new things for me.

    But again, FW, you ALWAYS make me see the man’s point of view, which I know I struggle with. So thank you!

  134.  #134Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    @92: patti says:
    “…Any suggestions on how to have a bit more compassion?…”

    IMHO, I wouldn’t worry about him too much. Have compassion on yourself, CD and find someone you like who appreciates you.


  135.  #135Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    RE 128 Brenda I believe you are on your way to finding that. You have cleared a space for the universe to bring him in while you are working on improving yourself. CC talks a lot about fear.

  136.  #136Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Boomer I also read somewhere that guys like a woman who talks dirty. I actually like the Samantha Jones character in Sex and the City. To feel more safe do you think you could keep your dates totally public and explore the sex talk? I have done that in the past but drove to the date, before RR. As such I did not feel threatened in any way.

  137.  #137Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:54 pm


    I don’t want to offend you, yet I feel annoyed when I read “IMHO” in almost every paragraph you write. It’s understood that it’s your opinion, and we like your opinion. What do you think?

  138.  #138Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    This is an experiement for me. Does it feel “less harsh” – it makes me feel worse!

    Lucy, I feel bad each and every time we interact. It hurts me when I communicate with you feeling I have your highest good in mind and you uneeringly reply to me pointing out how much I misunderstand you and how wrong, judgemental and mistaken I am.

    I feel even worse when you then make further posts that feel to me as harping on the one thing you can find to prove your viewpoint is the valid one.

    And, I feel the absolute worst – angry, annoyed, condescended to, and wanting to run away – when you then continue to discuss it and get other sirens to agree with how “right” you are, which logically makes me wrong.

    I never feel heart to heart goodness from or with you.

    I don’t want to talk to you.

    I have quickly apologized to you and still, it made me feel bad when you continued the conversation all day about why I am so wrong and didn’t simply accept my apology and move on.

    I feel angry, subdued, battered and conquered by your insistence that I am in the wrong and by the fact that there is nothing I can do about it but offer my apology, which isn’t being accepted.

    I don’t want to feel this way ever again;
    and I don’t want to change myself to be acceptable to you.

    It would feel good just to ride my horse and say goodbye to you at this point.


  139.  #139Ella on February 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    And there is more in me cus I typed out ANOTHER text, but luckily have calmed myself enough not to send it.

    He has not replied to the first one.

    Here is the 2nd unsent text… and all stuff that I DO still want to express.

    ‘Would you bear with me… I need to express and process… This is helpful for me. I don’t judge you because I am not perfect and I have taken drugs too in the past. I get triggered with this topic around you because of the expriences I have had with this and u… haven’t felt healthy to me. I also get triggered because of my fear being lied to. The feeling that comes up for me is anxiety… Aside I also heard you when u said you have made big changes already (Sirens I believe him here, I think he has cut down and is working now when he wasn’t before). I hear that 🙂 ok… I feel calmer now’.

    Sirens this is a super trigger fest for me.

    I know there are those of you that may be of the opinion ‘WTF is she doing. Co-dependant and why doesn’t she just put it down and get the f8ck out?’

    I respect that opinion and I am not there.

    I am here… I am still in this situation. I am dealing with it better than I ever have before and I feel ok about where I am at.

    The process of change is happening here within me. I don’t know whether this will lead to a transformation of this relationship or just lead me gently on to another, better relationship.

    But I am learning and growing here even if part of me knows walking away might be the ideal.



  140.  #140Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 1:56 pm


    RE: #135 – Thank you! That feels really good to hear. I keep second guessing myself, and I feel reassured that I did the right thing to walk away.

    Right now I am fighting an urge to send him a second email, to say what I just wrote about my feelings about him in the first person, to him.

  141.  #141Ella on February 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    @ Brenda

    “I fear I will never find a man who understands me and fascinates me as well as Ryan… I feel bored with most men. I don’t want to settle. I want the best of the best. And I want to be my best self.”

    Me too, me too!

    Hugs. xoxox

  142.  #142Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    FW, I am the Queen of Filthy Island…when the time is right.

    I like your idea about exploring it in public.

    He seems fixated on snuggling and watching our mutually-loved sci-fi shows. I know me, and snuggling on my couch too soon leads to too-early intimacy. But I suppose it’s up to me to invite him back or not until I am ready.

    I am realizing how few boundaries I’ve had my entire adult life. Being “go with the flow” and “flexible” are one thing–having nothing be off-limits is another, and I fear I leaned more toward the latter.

  143.  #143Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    omg, jacqueline. Perfect example: “Do you see how you did that?” I feel angry being treated this way Jacqueline. I don’t want to be blamed, accused, and made wrong (as in this example and in much of that post). I feel perplexed that it continues. Also, I don’t want lies told about me (that I said you were “wrong,” “domineering,” “awful,” etc.). I feel sad that loving a person you don’t date is such a foreign concept to someone. Maybe we have different views of love, which is fine – I would feel grateful if

  144.  #144Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    @108: Femininewoman says:
    “…I have to review but I remember in CCarter’s information where he talks about Fitness for a relationship. He suggests that a man is hardwired to choose a woman who is physically fit to bear young so he unconsciously looks for a woman whose frame suggests that she could produce strong young ones and looks for behavior that suggests she would protect the child as well as his assets…”

    Yes, i believe this is true. Men wired to seek women where they believe seed will take root is how i think of it. One does see a lot of 50 plus guys looking for 20 and 30-year old women.

    I’m wondering how this affects women who are out of the childbearing game. I think there is something there to be considered…a big something. BUT, I haven’t figure it out. I suspect women after a certain age are best as pre-adolescent boys, as a look anyway. Sad, for me I’m not that body type… yet. Probably never will be.

    Any thoughts?


  145.  #145Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    my view of love would be respected even if not understood.

  146.  #146Renee on February 28, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    As feminine women, feeling messages (and using them) are vital…

    The interesting thing is though…sometimes, you can use a feeling message, and a man will still FEEL blamed for whatever it is you’re saying.

    So it’s also about how you say it, but for a man who tends to feel blamed anyway….it can be hard. ESPECIALLY if this is a woman who has been nagging, complaining and bitching in the past.



  147.  #147Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm


    RE: #120 – I read in “Fit for Life”, by Harvey and Marilyn Diamond, that arthritic inflammation is caused by a system that is overacidic from the consumption of too much toxic food, such as meat.

    The solution they offer is to make your system more base pH by eating more fruits and veggies and less meat.

    Dark circles under the eyes is also an indication of being too acidic.

  148.  #148Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    And certainly we can agree to disagree. I will not however agree to be treated badly.

  149.  #149Lorelei on February 28, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Hi Sirens

    I have an online contact who seems very leaned back . . . After a few emails, he suggested meeting in his town (an hour and a half away from me) at a public exhibition that he already knew I go to regularly for work.

    I replied, “Thank you for thinking of [exhibition], but it tends to feel like work to me more than relaxation! It would feel good to see your eyes, hear your voice, and generally get a sense of the real man behind the computer screen . . email feels a bit de-personalised.
    > I feel very old-fashioned about all this – I don’t feel comfortable travelling far from home to meet someone I met online, not until I know them rather better. What do you think?”

    I’ve often said this before and had men phone or arrange meetings. However, what do you all feel is happening in this response from him. Let’s call him TieMan.

    “I quite understand about meeting up. I thought that if you normally go to [exhibition] that might be a good way of meeting without you having to make a journey especially – and all the advice is that first meetings should be in public places. I haven’t got a webcam yet, so there are only my Parship photos for you, until I take some more and upload them.

    There is always the telephone. I agree that it would be more insightful to talk and listen (and a lot quicker than emails – I am quite a slow typist, and am always happier talking). With voicemail at work and an answering machine at home I manage without needing a mobile – I would have to give you my home phone number if we are to talk ‘for real’ instead of electronically, so there is an element of trust that we are both in reality two reasonable human beings. Presumably you have a cell-phone, so you have a degree of security in that you can just change phone if it turns out that I am some sort of obsessive or, indeed, just plain dull (I’m not, honest!). So if you would like to talk I am up for that. Let me know your feelings.”

    He has misunderstood me, and is it just me , or is he very leaned back? He seems to have taken my statement about wanting to see his eyes as a need or request for more photos. I intended it to be about real-time, face-to-face meetings.

    He seems also to take my words as a request for telephone contact – but I feel a bit wierded out that he seems somewhat mistrustful . . . very cautious . . ?

    And he seems also to have taken my words as saying that once we have chatted on the phone, I would then still be prepared to travel to meet him. . .

    How do I respond? It could all be just be misunderstandings, easy to make in email! I’m getting the sense that he is a bit prissy and fussy somehow. His photo makes him look a bit prissy as well. Somehow, he reminds me, after only a few emails, of the character Niles, in Frasier. Yes, first impressions can be misleading. I’m not very attracted really, even though we evidently have interests in common.

    I don’t want to sound as if I am correcting him. So what do I say about the misunderstanding(s)?

    I actually feel bored and turned off by this last email.
    He sounds girly.

    How does he sound to you?

  150.  #150Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 2:02 pm


    Thank you! I sent it late last night. No, he hasn’t responded, and I don’t expect him to. I do expect he will contact me somewhere down the line, be it months or years.

  151.  #151Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 2:05 pm


    RE: #125 – Thanks for your support! I STILL feel empowered. Just really hurts inside. I have hurt inside almost continuously for 1.5 years over Ryan, ever since his fake proposal. I’ve been in therapy ever since, in addition to the therapy I find on this blog which is far more helpful and immediate than my once a week therapy. 🙂

    I’ll be okay. I am passionately in love with God.

  152.  #152Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    @112: Boomer says:
    “…So…still a good guy with some minor self-control issues or a player/cad/red flags-a-wavin’ kinda guy???…”

    My two cents, I strongly believe a man will tell you very soon what he is about, sometimes in a playful way. This man has told me that he enjoys sport sex, he expects me too also, he is very casual about separating sex from relationship and doesn’t much value boundaries.

    Boomer, this is just my reading. Who knows really with any one individual guy…


  153.  #153Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    I’m sorry you feel sad, Lucy. Loving a person I don’t date is not a foreign concept to me; several of my best friends are men; just having a three way with one is. And that’s a great example of the “dig” I always get when we correspond…

    no you don’t say I’m soooo stupid not to have a transcendent understanding of the physicality of love that is such it can include the baser desires of f’ng several people to express it…but it sure is what I hear.

    I agree – you should not allow me to treat you badly.

    Ergo, my request for no communication -it would feel good if you honored it.

  154.  #154Ella on February 28, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Ok, feeling kinda lonely on my Siren journey right now.

    Feel kinda all alone in my experiences and like no-one really understands me… Hmm, that is not a feeling – ok feeling is ‘I feel lonely’.

    And I feel isolated.

    In a bubble.


    And I feel a lil sad today.

    But mucho soothed from earlier EVEN after sending crazy text AND getting no reply.

    Weird kinda progress I think.

    Just felt a little smile inside.

    I feel like a lonely, misunderstood Siren.

    And a bit sulky, like the misfit at school.

    What can I do to look after me? Maybe a nice hot bath now? A candle or two and then bed with my book and teddy?

    Hmm, that might feel nice.

    Want to be connected though.

    I feel needy and demanding… but not too, feelings less intense, feels nice.

    Still feel frightened to fall into drama though!

  155.  #155Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    @132: Femininewoman says:
    “…It was in one of Gay Hendricks book…Maybe SLV could help because I know she is currently reading…

    No, can’t help, never read Hendricks. 😥

    I perhaps am slow reader, i’ve got about four books started and all unfinished, did read two short ones this weekend but nothing on relationships.


  156.  #156Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Thank you, Jacqueline. I can hear you much better with the FM’s – and yes it feels better to me. Maybe it feels worse to you bc it causes you to feel your own feelings instead of lashing out. The part that did feel bad to me, though, were the parts where you slipped in some false accusations, blaming, etc. That feels bad. I don’t want people to say I did/said things & didn’t do/say.

  157.  #157Ella on February 28, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Now where is my horse? I need to gallop up to the bathroom.

  158.  #158Darling Ella on February 28, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Gosh, I admit feeling uneasy about using FM for a while in the beginning…even now at times …lol…But, they do work indeed with anyone as a matter of fact…not just men…but also friends, coworkers …I feel more powerful since using them 🙂

  159.  #159Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    FW, I agree with Brenda about the pH balance. I learned that pears and grapes (whole or juice) are best for restring alkalinity. now i eat pears and drink grape juice every day and everything feels better. 🙂

  160.  #160Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    @136: Femininewoman says:
    “…Boomer I also read somewhere that guys like a woman who talks dirty…”

    It can be kind of fun sometimes in a real relationship where there is already feeling of afffection, safety and fun.

    This is just me for me…I would be uncomfortable with this with a guy I had never met because it would seem to me this was his total view and “plan” for the “relationship.” It’s just me, just me.


  161.  #161Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Lucy, re: 156 – see I feel all those things are true – so when you “rebut” me and only take the ooooh, I apologize part but keep the I’m better than…it doesn’t feel good. And you didn’t reply in feeling messages….so my feeling message made you feel good and made me feel worse and THAT’S what supposed to happen? And, it added one more snark to comments…are you going to now apologize for hurting my feelings?!

    naaah, I don’t agree and I will not continue to be treated badly.

    I’m sure you’ll respond no matter how I ask it, so returning to the only way I know to resolve this matter, radio silence feels good.

    Thank you all sirens for allowing this in your space …


  162.  #162Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 2:23 pm


    Re: #139 – I feel you for taking baby steps with your pet drug addict. I had a pet drug addict, alcoholic bum for 1.5 years. My brothers, Mom, prison pen pal, and, everyone else cautioned me and cautioned me, telling me to tell him to “beat it and don’t look back.”

    When I read your posts, I feel your heart: you love him. You are attracted to him. You are lonely. And whatever else. And I can predict at times what your next paragraph will be about. I think, “Yep, been there, done that, got the heart scars!”

    And I feel patient with you. I don’t want you to get hurt, but I also know you must work thru YOUR process at YOUR pace, and for most of us, that is baby steps.

    A hundred “Be careful’s” didn’t stop me from spending time with my pet drug addict. I was like a baby encountering a set of steps for the first time. “Be careful” didn’t explain to me the force of gravity and how it would feel when I tumbled down the stairs. So, I’m not going to tell you, “Be careful!”

    You already know that. And you are a lot further ahead than I was when I was in the midst of it. Would you believe I got involved with yet another alcoholic after the first one?? This one passed away of advanced stage liver disease 6 months and 5 rehabs after I met him.

    I am not being sarcastic here, and I hope I don’t come across that way. What I really mean to say above all is don’t worry about what we think. Just use this wonderful blog space to process, and speaking for myself, I will support you every step of the way, as much as I can.

  163.  #163Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    @137: Brenda says:
    “…FW, IMHO…”

    oops, 😳 I think that’s me too. Not wanting to be pushy… but only wanting to share my point of view and recognizing others might have different experiences and opinions.


  164.  #164Prairie Girl on February 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    I need you Sirens… I’ve been unable to keep up here, please forgive me..

    In a nutshell I’ve used FM to draw Lawmancowboy so deeply to me that he feels my voice is like medicine (how sireny is that lol) He has to hear my voice.. But he still sleeps w/other women/dates other women.. (we live 3 hrs away and have never met so as I tell him we are NOT real) he hates if I feel sad over it. He wants to come meet me.

    He reads my BLOG, hes the only man to ever have the address, he’s the only man to beg for it. He’s given me the address to his secret public diary and his heart break has almost destroyed him… He said he’d come meet me this Friday, BUT I told him that I told God not to let him if I was just going to get my heart broken… So he’s going to seriously pray…

    What’s the problem you ask? He has a HUGE thing about body/looks… He can screw anything, but cannot commit/want to marry someone (yet) who is “big” MY jean size…lol..

    I have lost 80 lbs over the past year but my body is not firm.. my belly sags, my thighs and ass flabby..

    I look cute, hot even, in clothes… I’ve sent pics, he says beautiful and yummy but none of the pics I send are unflattering…

    I wrote on my blog my most common nasty voices when I told them to him (he calls me and we talk for up to 5 hrs off and on during a day some days) he said “those are LIES!”.. these are the ones he said that about…

    “No one will find you worth it after the new wears off”
    “Men only find you interesting to amuse themselves/because you’re an oddity/ to get you in the sack…but really… when all the fluff burns off.. they will find you not worth the effort… Not worth the words…. The affection… the contact.. Not worth what it would take to keep you feeling loved and warm, and basically…happy as a pig in sunshine”….

    I actually am able to love those voices and get great relief/peace from them..

    BUT… then he starts saying this stuff about body.. and I have a raging raging NV that I can’t find any way to love… I need your help…

    “You are not beautiful”
    “your body is shi*t and if you offer it to anyone you are offering them sh*t”

    I cannot make myself say the sireny things I learned here a few days ago…”my body is a lush place any man would feel awed to visit… My body is a golden sea of pure pleasure… or as I say to him who is so battered and bruised but so open and honest about it… “my body is the place that will heal your wounds”

    Please help me rephrase.. help me love these horrible I can let them go.

    Oh and I’ve got the “i feel” part down of the FM but when in real discussions I have SUCH a challenge w/not using YOU/THAT… any tips?

    Thank you. This place is my salvation. My healing place.
    Angels on your body.

  165.  #165Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    SLV and others —

    What happened on Saturday is that my daughter was sitting at the table, and M. came up behind her and poked her in the side. He was laughing, and so was she.

    But, he kept going. And she said, “I wasn’t doing anything to you!” That meant — she wasn’t annoying him, so why was he annoying her?

    I went and physically inserted myself between them.

    She wasn’t crying, or upset. I intervened long before that happened. M. didn’t like it that I intervened. His answer was something like, “Why are you getting in the middle? We’re fine here.”

    I answered that he was upsetting her and stayed until he stepped back.

    He disagreed. He thought what he was doing was okay. It was not. He was touching my daughter in a way that wasn’t okay with her. Yes, it was mild, but this will not continue.

    Thank you for helping me be sure that this is something I need to address.

    There will never be any holding her down and tickling her. I would never allow it.


  166.  #166Prairie Girl on February 28, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    #112 Boomer, I’m no help… I’m in the phone sex on a second phone call phase… Bad Siren… I was just so thrilled to have some sort of sex I didn’t get attached with…

    I look forward to hearing how this plays out with him.. I do hear you on the boundaries.. I’m realizing how few I’ve had as well.


  167.  #167Daria on February 28, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    I notice how much I was in a combative – ‘no I’m right’ – and complaining resisting energy w getright man

    I’m moving into doing waterwheel – I feel drenched w unseen – meaning not from what his outside actions lOok like – love. I’m Feelin confused about this – where is this love coming from when the rational part of me says he’s pulling away and moving away?

    And – I’m moving into Appreciating him – he makes me laugh, I feel excited there’s an attractive man around when he’s here, small unexpected moments of tenderness.

    I feel curious to see what happens as I move into appreciation without abandoning myself.

  168.  #168Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    J, I am sorry that you feel bad and that you perceive my sincere, loving statements as “snarks” and “digs.” Truly, that must feel awful. I also feel bad that you believe I think I am “better than” in any way. Clearly I trigger you, and I am sorry that it feels painful to you. I want the best for both of us. I will no longer talk with you if that’s what you wnt. I hope that you will not talk to me either if you don’t want a response. With love, Lucy

  169.  #169Lorelei on February 28, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Lisi @ 165

    I totally support you on this. A man’s ability to ‘hear’ or respect a child’s voice, and a child’s sense of boundaries is very telling. It feels horrible that M argued back about it . . .

    I once had a counselling supervisor who described her own childhood tickling incidents, from an uncle, as somehow abusive and intrusive when she examined about how they made her feel at the time. It’s also about power and control.

  170.  #170Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    @149: Lorelei says:
    “…How does he sound to you?…”

    Like someone I would want to meet face to face. I don’t want to eliminate any possibilities… :p

    Also, seems to me he is considering your feelings and “getting relationship/dating ‘advice’ from somewhere.

    “– and all the advice is that first meetings should be in public places….”

    I’d write back something on the order of: ” I would feel comfortable meeting you face to face in a public place in my own neighborhood.”


  171.  #171tinque on February 28, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    For arthritis pain, infuse fresh rosemary into olive oil. Fill a glass jar with the herb, full but not stuffed, pour olive over, poke the herb with a chopstick or the handle of a wooden spoon until all air bubbles surface. Top off, cover, and put in a dark place. Check every few days or so to see if it needs topping. A little oil will leak out, so have a dish underneath.

    If mold develops, remove the moldy bit and top off.

    After six weeks, your arthritis rub is ready for use. Strain, squeezing the oil out of the herb well.


  172.  #172Darling Ella on February 28, 2011 at 2:39 pm


    I felt a bit down today again…I realize I need a breakthrough for myself…one more reason I cheer for Brenda’s decision…I want to see her succeed so that I can hope for my success 🙂

    Anyway, as I was deeply connected with my feelings of sadness and loneliness…I got another surprising email…from my 25 years old recent hunk…lol

    I literally felt happy to hear from him…cause last nite I responded to his message and I told him what I am looking for and that I feel uncomfortable pursuing anything because of age…and honestly, I didn’t think he will be a catcher 🙁 Talk about judgments and stereotypes…

    Here is our conversations:

    His 1st message:

    “why hello! lol how are you doing?, so I decided to write obviously because i would like to get to know you, lol. Im sorry if that came off as corny, anyway so what kinds of things do you like to do? and whats your Ideal guy like?. by the way my name is Cassius

    Me 1st response:

    “Good Morning Cassius,

    Saying u name feels so sensual…:) Enchante of connaisance 🙂

    I feel intrigued by your interest for communication and I admit, flattered…

    As to what I like to do??? Hmm…I love to dance, dine out, make conversations and indulge in great cocktails; love to socialize with friends and meet new people…I love to attend fashion shows and art shows…

    Somehow by viewing your pics, I feel like I recognize you 🙂

    Warm hugs,”

    His 2nd message:

    “My Ella..:-)
    So good morning, and i hope you’re having a good day: -),
    So when u say my name it makes u think sensual thoughts huh?, well I’m a very passionate, and Magical guy I believe in magical and enchanting adventures!,
    And I’m glad that you are flattered by me approaching you!, of course i had to email u, you are beautiful and there’s something about u that honestly intrigues me, like u said i look familiar to you, although I’m a model and have done magazines, and some commercials, it could be something more deeper and familiarity to us both lol.
    I hope that wasn’t too bold for u.
    I also enjoy going out movies, museums, fine dinning, adventures of travel with someone that i adore or love.
    So how was your day today anything interesting.
    Remember your beautiful and sexy to me : -)”

    Me 2nd response:

    “Hello Cas..,

    Hmm…i feel i am already taken reading “My Ella”…I feel all blushy…lol

    It sounds like you leave the life you wish for…and that is admirable 🙂 PDX is embracing and growing more and more fashion and artistic views these days and I really like that 🙂

    C…, while I feel intrigued and yes flattered by your attention, I admit feeling resistant because of our age difference. Your youth is to be treasured and sure appreciated 🙂

    At this point in my life, I feel strongly about meeting a long term companion including marriage…and I admit being a big old fashion with my choice…financial security, chivalry (courtship), romance,…yes, I want it all :)”

    His last message:

    “My dearest Ella,

    I’m so glad to make u smile, I want to and wish to always make u smile,laugh, feel butterflies again. I must admit to u that although I’m 26 i do own my own home and my father and i own a horse ranch and a home in Paris. I usually don’t talk about it that much because I’m a man who likes to show, I’m a grad, from UCLA, and plan on having a family and traveling and owning different homes in different places, to give my future family a chance to see the world for its beautiful things, IE.. different cultures,animals, and historical monuments from all over,.. To be well rounded, and the wonders of nature ect…

    I’m honestly a bit of an hopeless romantic lol, I believe in real love, no matter the race or age difference. I’m french and Cuban, my mother was over ten years older then my father, I definitely and absolutely believe in honesty, and integrity, i believe in values and commitment. I’m a very different type of guy i feel like I’m a magical person, I’m also very picky and although I’m extremely passionate (being French/Spanish lol).

    I don’t believe in giving myself to just any girl no matter how young or beautiful, i feel although I’m the “catch” and when i do find the one i will choose,. I would like her to feel special knowing that i know the importance of truly loving and making love!, you see to me if you are mentally, and spiritually connected then wow! Its real.

    Anyway what I’m saying is that if the feelings and if it wash right, then of course marriage, children, is something that i would love to have honey.

    We should call each other i feel although i know u already: -)
    Cassius xoxooxx MUAH! I can’t wait to talk to my Ella ”

    Okay…I am honestly not used to corny talks…I might need to introduce him to Daria 🙂 Yet, I feel very intrigued…

    What do u ladies think? Should I give him a chance?

    I feel so insecure though…I am 12 y older than he is…:( Gosh, my wrinkles speak to me 🙁

  173.  #173Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    @151: Brenda says:

    “…I’ll be okay. I am passionately in love with God…”

    You *will* be OK. One thing that was discussed in the Soulmate Summit is that we all have more than one soulmate, more like a soulmates tribe. I’ve always believed that not every soulmate is a good marriage partner. Knowing that I have lots lets me feel really good about that.

    Brenda, you know these two free dating sites at top of poll? Here’s the poll:

    The best free dating site is:
    (15) 12%
    (63) 52%
    (21) 17%

    There could be something there for you? Or something to look at later… Perhaps worth taking a look.

    “leave no stone unturned” SLV 😀

  174.  #174Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    @159: Lucy

    Oops, I forgot to eat lunch. That’s a big no-no for weight loss. I’m going to eat a pear now.


  175.  #175Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Darling Ella,

    RE: #172 – Yes!! Give him a chance! He sounds wonderful! Twelve years is nothing. It’s maturity level that counts. He sounds like my kind of romantic man!

  176.  #176Jeannette on February 28, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Has anyone gotten married from using the advice on this site? I’d like to hear others stories..

  177.  #177Alonka on February 28, 2011 at 3:00 pm


    If it makes it easier for you, I’m heaving a huge grapefruit for dinner;) it’s so big that I will prob only eat half of it. Can’t decide – left or right half..

  178.  #178Alonka on February 28, 2011 at 3:03 pm


    #140: Please do not write to him!! From this point on you can only respond if he offers you exactly what you want. Which will most prob mean that you won’t reply when he contacts you next.

    Yes, I’ve been beating myself up because I thought it was stupid not at least to make a move as if I was leaving him too. People want what they can’t have. But anyway – he can’t have me now! It’s all experience

  179.  #179Lorelei on February 28, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Ella @ 127

    Hi there! Just a few reactions to your ” HE IS DECIEVING ME. And I don’t even thinks he means me any harm or even plans to decieve me. I can feel his love and it feels loving, not like he wants to hurt me. This deception is part of the addiction illness. But it triggers me because I feel disrespected. And also that if I accept this, and don’t say anything I am contributing to the denial.

    Do I say I know? How do I say this without accusing or blaming.”

    Deception is deception. It is being lied to. I feel iccky when I am lied to (not talking about ‘white’ lies) or feel deceived by a man (wrong age on profile, wrong marital status on profile etc, or anything else).

    I feel more than iccky. I feel angry when men (or anyone) lie to me, even when they ‘don’t mean to hurt me’, even when they are trying to protect me . .

    In my own case, it makes me wonder . . if I can’t trust him now, can I ever trust him? What else isn’t he telling me? How would I know? Now, this is me, not you, but it hurts me to hear you excusing Mr B (deception is part of the illness, part of the addiction).

    Deception is deception, and if it is habitual (and i seem to remember it’s not only his using that he has been less than honest about . . . or I am wrong here?) it will hurt you whether or not he means to hurt you. It will have the same effects on you whether it’s part of the addictive illness or not . .

    You are worthy of a man who tells you the truth, whatever his personal issues, otherwise you are in a hall of mirrors. I don’t want that for you, or for me, or for any woman.

    Having an addictive illness doesn’t give him special dispensation. Does it feel too much to set an intention ( a la Soulmate Summit) of having the kind of relationship where the man is honest, and where you know where you are, and don’t feel conflicted like this? Where you are treated well by a man who speaks the truth? I know it’s easy for me to say this, when I am not the one caught up with him. I do feel for you.

    So I wonder what you could say to call him on his BS?

    “I feel uneasy . . when I see signs of using . . .”?

    “I feel confused . . when one thing is said, but another thing is done . .” [I’m trying to keep ‘you’ out of it, here]?

    “I feel off-balance / unhappy / angry to be told one thing when something else is happening . . What do you think?”

    “I don’t want confusion . . I want straightforward . . ” Etc.

    Please keep looking after yourself, dear Ella.

  180.  #180Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    @172: Darling Ella says:

    “…I feel so insecure though…I am 12 y older than he is…:( Gosh, my wrinkles speak to me …”

    My theory is don’t get rid of anyone before checking them out. Five years age difference is normal, up to ten OK as long as both in same child bearing range.

    Twelve years? OK, so forget two years… LOL In this case, if true, guy’s mother more than ten years older than his father, he is already primed for that kind of relationship. He might even in some way be looking for it if his parents have a very happy marriage.

    Go for it until you want to say “next.”


  181.  #181Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    SLV, enjoy your pear! I get raw pears and also keep a stock of diced pears in 100% juice in case the raw run out. Did Daria tell u I saw chicken gumbo soup this weekend – at our store that is “a shur-fine market? Do you have those near you? <3

  182.  #182Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Brenda re 162,

    Thank you. I feel seen! 🙂

    And I appreciate your patience.

    Is it your belief that there is never any hope for these addicts?

    Would your perception be that it doesn’t make an iota of difference how I interact with him?

    Just curious cus I honestly don’t know the answers.

    He doesn’t feel like a pet to me… but he doesn’t feel like a complete man either – sometimes he does, and then sometimes he doesn’t.

    And last question, do you think you can ever have these people in your life but keep enough distance to keep yourself safe?

    Thanks for your input.


  183.  #183Alonka on February 28, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Brenda and Ella,

    I too feel that no one else can make me happy when I’m in love. For the same reason exactly: that he is the only person I can grow with. Well, then some time passes and I happen to meet someone who’s as smart (or smarter), so much on my wave, as attractive (or even more) but – kinder! And then I think – why did I feel for so long that the last time was the end of the world?? I am even happier now.

    Anyway – just sharing personal experience

  184.  #184Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    @181: Lucy says:
    “… Did Daria tell u I saw chicken gumbo soup this weekend – at our store that is “a shur-fine market? Do you have those near you…”

    No! Was it Campbell’s? No matter, I’d take another brand and keep some on stock for those comfort food moments. You know what I mean… 😀

    I don’t have those chain stores near me. But now that I know that soup might be available, I’ll look around outside my neighborhood. Thanks.


  185.  #185Eternity on February 28, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    128 Brenda

    “I fear I will never find a man who understands me and fascinates me as well as Ryan. I miss him so bad I can’t stand it….I feel bored with most men. I don’t want to settle. I want the best of the best. And I want to be my best self”.

    Your post struck a real chord with me. A man being able to understand and facinate me is crucial. I feel the same way. I cannot imagine what it is like to still be in touch with Ryan like you have been. I’m glad mine has not been in touch. It would have felt so very painful. I hope you can find peace after writing your email to him.

  186.  #186Lorelei on February 28, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    SLV @ 170

    Hi – well, let’s hope he’s not reading this blog, as it does seem he’s getting dating advice from somewhere!!!

    I’m wondering about
    “I would feel comfortable meeting you face to face in a public place in my own neighborhood, perhaps after a few conversations on the phone first.”

    Despite my usual enthusiasm to meet any possibility (no turn unstoned!) I don’t feel enthusiastic about him. But at least not totally repulsed. But maybe worth a shot!

  187.  #187Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    @177: Alonka says:
    “…If it makes it easier for you, I’m heaving a huge grapefruit for dinner;) it’s so big that I will prob only eat half of it….”

    I love those big grapefruit! I call them “big and fluffy” and they are usually pink. When they are huge like that I usually have half with coffee for breakfast and nibble on the rest for snack later on.


  188.  #188Darling Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Thank you Brenda and SLV…:) It feels awesome to hear encouragements…

    What’s interesting though, on his profile the age range is 5 years older and 5 years younger…:( I am sooooo out of that range…lol


  189.  #189Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:21 pm



    And I agree about the deception.

    It is just so tricky cus I am not 100% sure he is doing it… but the trust has gone since he lied to me…

    As far as I am aware he has not lied to me about anything else. Actually been quite honest.

    But I don’t think his ex knew about me (and he got with me kinda quick after breaking with her). Maybe another boundary for me to work on except that Rori says them having a g.friend is irrelevant if they are stepping up and been ‘for’ us (if they are ‘for’ their g,friend then they are not for us and won’t step up) and he ALWAYS has stepped up and been for me.

    I do have the intention of having a man who is honest to me, and this is hard for me to feel because I don’t think I have ever experienced it.
    And I just feel confused here cus I don’t know when Mr B is being honest.

    I am currently working past a ‘stuckness’ issue of feeling not deserving or distrustful or a relationship with a real honest man.

    A part of me thinks it will feel boring and I will shrivel up and die without excitement.

    I have not really experienced many real relationships that were also exciting and fulfilling, whether my own or other people’s.

    Maybe this is why I unconsciously choose addicts, to maintain the distance?.

    And I have been working to move past this unhelpful belief and using tapping.

    Oh, I really want to get some progress here now.

    I feel frustrated with struggling with the same old issues.

    I want to have a man who is FUN and honest and treats me well and I still feel excited and juicy and everything.


  190.  #190Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    @186: Lorelei says:
    “…Hi – well, let’s hope he’s not reading this blog, as it does seem he’s getting dating advice from somewhere!!!…”

    I’m guessing some advice on the dating sites or maybe even one of the dating coaches for men. I read a post, maybe FW, about guys being lonely and not overly eager to approach. It could be that. We never know until a few dates. I’d rather have that than a “pump and dump” player.


  191.  #191Lorelei on February 28, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    SLV – 190

    “Pump and dump” !!!!! Never heard it called that before!!!! 🙂

    TieMan is (apparently) 5 years younger than me (though doesn’t really look it in profile pic. And he says he is ‘single.’ He reminds me a bit a an early CD who was single – ie, never married, and no real relationships . . and that is not a good sign. That is what I feel bothered about.

    But I could be wrong. I chose to be open.

  192.  #192Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Ok, just experimenting here.

    How would it feel to not meet up with Mr B on Wed?

    How would it feel to say ‘I feel a lot of love for you and I do not feel safe and secure to be around you while you are still involved in drugs. I am going to keep away at this time as I see we are on different paths. Who know what might happen in the future’ (ie years down the line).

    How would it feel to not see him?

  193.  #193Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Jeannette, Nancy is apparently getting married from the RR way, but we haven’t heard from her lately. (Nancy, wherefore art thou?) I am getting a RR style divorce at the moment, and it’s working really well. 😉 Seeing the success of the tools with a man I am divorcing is way building my confidence about using them with other men and my future husband. The Rori way rocks!

  194.  #194luzydel on February 28, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    I feel uncomfortable, I am chatting with this cute green eye guy at pof and I am forgetting about D. I Cannot put all my attention on D when he told me he need space and time. When he told me we needed to take things slow. He can take all the time he wants, but i cannot be unfair to me and wait for him. I have to keep moving and living. Still I feel sad, because I really like D…I like the way he treats me, he makes me feel so good. I want him!!! but I cannot force things I know 🙁

    I miss him!!

  195.  #195Lorelei on February 28, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    Ella @ 189

    yeah – when we stop feeling trustful of someone, it erodes our confidence and certainty about ourselves and them. Hall of mirrors effect – we don’t know where we are.

    You DO deserve an honest real man, who is ALSO sexy, exciting, perhaps with a different kind of edge that is different to the kind you know so well . . I will believe it for you.

    Keep going still . . . maybe this stuckness is going to turn into the breakthrough . . .

    I feel hopeful for you.

  196.  #196Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    I would feel sad.

    And empty heart place.

    Life would feel a bit flat. That feels scary! 🙁

    Oh no, how can I make my life feel not flat without an unhealthy man? I feel scared that I will never be able to have ‘enough’ in my life to top me up and stop me from feeling depression.

    This is my addiction I suppose.

    But also I would feel hopeful.

    And each day that I woke up I would feel stronger.

    But I feel scared that I will not have enough energy on my own… I can’t support everyone (my family and me).

    It feels too hard.

    Ok, panicky voice, I love you, you are trying to look after me too. I love you.

    Right so I would have to make my life full and keep myself topped up.

    And I have a fear of becoming depressed.

    Ok, so these are my issues… these are why I use co-dependancy?

    But that all still feels weird.

    Mr B is a person not just an addict. Isn’t it better to relate to him as such?

    Ok, so then it would be ‘I want to take some space for now as I do not feel comfortable after being decieved’.

    How do we ‘let go’ of a man who is still wanting us?

    Is it just something like ‘I don’t want to continue this anymore?’ I seem to remember reading that somewhere in something Rori wrote.

    I have not made a decision here… just experimenting with options.

  197.  #197Lorelei on February 28, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Ella @ 192

    “‘I feel a lot of love for you and I do not feel safe and secure to be around you while you are still involved in drugs. I am going to keep away at this time as I see we are on different paths. Who know what might happen in the future’ (ie years down the line).”

    This feels like brilliant and brave boundary setting!!

    Is he likely to try and discuss it with you or persuade you otherwise? Maybe the “I feel a lot of love for you” and perhaps the final sentence give him openings.

    I’m like you in that I want to put these kind of things in , though.

    Do it for your unborn children, as much as for yourself. (Did SLV intro the idea about doing something for unborn children . .?)

  198.  #198Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Ella, my heart goes out to you about Mr.B. You seem to be feeling the way I felt living with a guy who got high all the time. Once he even pulled over in the middle of the GW bridge to throw his stash into the river to “prove he was done.” 🙁 Of course he wasn’t. I kept leaving and being persuaded back with promises. My final time leaving was when I got pregnant and he for the first time physically assaulted me bc i couldn’t go thru with the ab*rtion. Not saying your situation will play out that way, just s

  199.  #199Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    just sharing mine to hopefully let you know that I understand the mixed messy feelings and uncertainty. (((Ella)))

  200.  #200Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    I can’t make a decision right now.

    I feel scared of making the wrong one.

    Can only do what feels ok in the moment. Look after myself.

    I will deal with Wed when the time comes.

  201.  #201Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Lorelei and Lucy,

    Thanks, I feel loved by your posts.

    I have just been thinking about what Lorelei said about a guy with a different kind of edge.

    Yes, I can work with that image.

    I began thinking of someone who skis or does another extreme sport. Or someone who sails a boat came to mind weirdly!

    Those images just feel really good and I could imagine loving a guy like that (and him loving me more importantly).

    I do feel underconfident that my vibe will never be strong enough to attract these type of men (not good enough vibe).

    I want someone who drinks alcohol but not an addict of any kind. And I feel weird to have that as a criteria. Maybe I am stereotyping but I have always found guys who don’t drink at all to be stiff. What do others think of this?

  202.  #202Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    @191: Lorelei says:

    “…But I could be wrong. I chose to be open….”

    Surely there were some dates. Do you think low libido? Well, that’s what dating is for, we find out.

    Not a lot of different relationships is less opportunity for diseases, a plus in my book. I would not care if a man did not have a history of bowing out of lots of relationships. I would want him to come ready to adore me forever… 😆


  203.  #203Eternity on February 28, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    I feel a bit relieved that this kinda nauseous feeling I’ve had since the heartache dulled could be fear and maybe anxiety.

    Feels like butterflies when you have to get up and give a speech. Been putting me off food. Thought it was a bug my children gave me.

    Hm my sister said ‘You’ve lost more weight, please stop doing that!”. I need to get snappier with FMs. I think the universe is offering me much practice that I’m not stepping up to. I gave her a snarky “I’m a long way from starving”.

    All these posts about weight are triggering me. The more weight I lose the more men notice me. I feel a bit scared when that happens. Before RR I would just pile on the weight again so they wouldnt notice me but not this time. I’m realising how much my eating was tied to my feelings good and bad.

  204.  #204Ella on February 28, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Ok thinking I could just put a few profiles back up on some dating sites.

    The thought of loads more tepid dates makes me feel completely drained though! And it can almost push me back the other way (towards Mr B) when I have those kind of dates… they trigger depression and hopelessness in me.

    I get what Rori says about looking for messages I am just not sure how many more boring dates I can handle.

    I know I can make things fun but I just get so triggered off guys who I feel bored by!

    Anyway, barriers aside, I could just start by putting some profiles back up.

    Then I will see about Wed.

    I could see how it felt just to not agree to meet up with him for a while… I don’t have to slam the door.

    And I could see how it would feel to experiment in my head with a speech for walking away ‘we are on different paths etc…’

    I can take these babysteps anyway.

    This is not the same as breaking up with someone.

    This is CD-ing.

    And raising my vibe.

    In case my guy with his boat should sail up anytime soon!


    If I don’t meet up with him for a while then the true message comes through ‘I won’t be with you while you are using drugs!’.

    Ok, I get it.

    Now can I do it?

  205.  #205Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    I feel excited!!! I just connected something! Anyone remember months ago I wrote that I feel like I’m at the brick wall that hides Diagon Alley and that I need to know how to shift the bricks to get through it and that I sensed WH was that wall? Well! I had forgotten it but the vision just returned and the wall is now OPEN! Looking back, I can see that the bricks began to shift big-time with LP’s lil boy post to me, and then Daria’s “drunk lion” imagery fnished the job! yay! SO EXCITED! Now I can walk down

  206.  #206Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Diagon Alley and get my magic wand and my books, robes, hat, quills, maybe even a pet owl! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  207.  #207Prairie Girl on February 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    #203 Eternity
    I so relate. Pretty much every time I gained lots and lots of weight was to deal w/unwanted attention… Even from my husband at the time…
    Sending you love and light.

  208.  #208Ella on February 28, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    Lucy re 198 & 199.

    Mr B tries that dramatic stuff with me too but it doesn’t work ie I won’t engage.

    I won’t engage either when he tries to ‘convince’ me about stuff to do with his drug use, or apparent lack of.

    he does it less now which at least is more honest.

    Now he tends to say nothing when I express my concerns over his using.

    Not saying any of what happened to you was your fault for the way you did or didn’t react, just saying that I do not listen to the big gestures like that.

    But is still feels confusing anyway. Cus I honestly just don’t really know where he’s at.

    Don’t reckon he does either (house of mirrors Lorelei).

    It would feel good to be with a man I didn’t feel confused by, BUT I don’t want to be completely in the know… I mean he needs a little mystery and edge, just as we Sirens do right?

  209.  #209Ella on February 28, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    Ok ladies,

    I am going to babystep my way through this.

    I am going to start by not seeing him on Wed…

    I am going to tell him ‘I am not feeling sure about stuff and I need more time’.

    That is true.

    The message here is that I am not going to be with him unless he stops using. That would look like getting help, or months down the line he shows up in a totally different way, his vibe has shifted and I feel safe and I feel the difference. He is clean.

    I don’t have to do anything except stay away unless these things happen. That is what I said I would do anyway.

    If it doesn’t feel like it has changed then it hasn’t!

    Oh I feel scared but that is ok.

    If he is the right man for me then me asking for time would not put him off. In fact if he is the right man for me he would d8mn well understand this and he would give me whatever I need to feel safe.

    Yes that feels ok.

    Instead of seeing him on Wednesday I am going to do something for myself that feels WONDERFUL! I don’t know what yet but I will think of something.

  210.  #210Ella on February 28, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    203 and 207

    Me too, although not lots of weight, just a few extra pounds to keep them at bay!

    Eternity I feel inspired by you not overeating as you process and feel feelings instead!


  211.  #211Eternity on February 28, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    144 SLV

    “I’m wondering how this affects women who are out of the childbearing game. I think there is something there to be considered…a big something.”

    I was wondering that too. I’m not sure. I’m never going to look preadolescent either. Hm. pondering.

    I feel like hissing at guys who say they want (more) children of their own in their profile that contact me when I have gone to extreme pains to be clear that 1. I dont want any more and 2 im only up for a LTR in which polarised views on whether you want kids or not would just not work out.

    I feel disrespected and so very very angry like its such a waste of my time, that they didnt bother to even read what I wrote. It provokes an extreme reaction in me every time. I’m trying to work out why this is because it gets me riled up every time.

    I guess it’s a boundary thing. Having my boundaries pushed repeatedly about the same thing really annoys me. Like pushing a big red button on my forehead.

    If you are looking for an angry reaction from me please repeatedly, in quick succession, test my boundaries over the same issue. O.O like my 9 year old does >.< o yes, I do not want to be a mother to my lover.. I did that with my ex-h, it was relationship crash/burn for me to do that.

    o wow, I feel better now working through that.

  212.  #212Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Like everyone else, I deal with weight issues.

    I’ve been working on really “being” in my body.

    As I do that, I’m trying to really “feel my feelings.”

    And, in addition to that, I’m trying to be aware of when I am hungry, how hungry I am, and what I need to eat.

    I’ve eaten less today, and have not eaten because it was “fun” and “something to do.”

    Those are issues for me.


  213.  #213Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Eternity —

    How come that bugs you?

  214.  #214Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Eternity —

    Why does that bug you?

  215.  #215Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Eternity —

    Does this bug you?

  216.  #216Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Eternity —


  217.  #217Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Eternity —

    Okay — I’m totally teasing you.

    I just couldn’t resist.

    It’s totally “boy energy” for me to do that.

    But, I sooooo understand from having an 8 year old.

    I just had to jump in.


  218.  #218Eternity on February 28, 2011 at 4:29 pm


    hehe laughing now because I get it.:)

    If I start laughing at my nine year old instead of getting angry he’ll get confused. oh well.

  219.  #219Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    Eternity —

    I had to work to do that.

    Once, I violated blog rules by writing exactly the same thing, and it wouldn’t accept a duplicate.

    Then, it told me I was commenting too many times and to slow down.

    Touchy blog!


  220.  #220Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Oh, and, BTW —

    I’m in the “flexible” range about another kid.

    I’d like another, but I just turned 40.

    I want one, but they’re so much work.

    I might with the right partner, but could live without it for the right partner.

    Some guys might be like me in this sense.


  221.  #221Eternity on February 28, 2011 at 4:33 pm

    blogs have feelings too 😀

  222.  #222Julia on February 28, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    I’m feeling very blue. I need some feedback for this.
    I observed someone in my Sunday school class, who I thought was interested in me, leaving the class with another woman. They were both smiling, and it made me feel very sad. I went to lunch with the same group, and he wasn’t there. I don’t know what to think, considering I have no claim on him, nor he on me.
    This is the guy who, before Thanksgiving, asked me to go somewhere with him the day after Thanksgiving, then I showed up at a party, the week before, with someone else, and he looked very upset.
    Is he a player, or what??? I don’t know what to think, now.
    Also, I saw my ex at the Valentine’s Day dance, with a date who looked, in general, a lot like me.
    He saw me, I saw him, neither of us went over to the other, said anything, did anything.
    Before that, he was calling me, trying to get me to call him back. I didn’t take his calls or return them, because I know he’s too toxic for me.
    I’ve been reminding myself of the things that drove me away from him, but I’m just kinda feeling lonesome and blue 🙁
    Any suggestions???

  223.  #223femenergylove on February 28, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    my soup is clearing.sometimes during the day i get tense shoulders,negative thoughts.and day by day i keep getting these light bulb moments about how masculine i can be ands how i do not still conciously know when i am being that way and not.even when i have the information!
    but now i know.i’ve been very open with my feelings here and with a lot of my friends as i feel i should not hold back anymore…but i amalso concerned if my friends will use this info in any way to harm the moment i just feel better,sinking into it all and feeling it.
    i feel good leaning back.and i’m learning to do it with everyone.everyone.i feel better.
    getting more concious.
    thanks rori,thanks ladies.

  224.  #224luzydel on February 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    I don’t see how using feeling messages can have an effect on a man. I think feeling messages are suppose to have an effect on us and the way we communicate.

    I thought feeling messages are tools to avoid drama, when we feel angry, sad, vulnerable etc.

    I’m not that good at FM’s I tend to closed up when I feel vulnerable etc. then push men farther away.

  225.  #225Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:47 pm


    If he likes you, he’ll pursue.

    If he likes you and he sees you with someone else, he’ll be jealous, and it will trigger him to pursue.

    If he could ask you to go somewhere with him before Thanksgiving, he could ask now.

    My suggestion is to get your profiles up and going on as many dating sites as you can possibly stand, put and ad on Craigslist, and start meeting so many guys you can’t remember which was which, or whether it was “John” or “Harvey” who had the dead dog.

    You won’t feel lonesome or blue.

    You want want your ex back (cuz he was toxic)

    And you will be so irresistible to Sunday School Man that he won’t be able to stand it. He’ll have to pursue.


  226.  #226Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    @211: Eternity says:
    “…I guess it’s a boundary thing. Having my boundaries pushed repeatedly about the same thing really annoys me…”

    I believe guys think that woman who is still of childbearing age might change her mind. Women do this all the time with men who let them know right away that they don’t want more, or any, children. Even when the guy already has two or three high school age children and doesn’t want to return to the whole infant, pre-school thing again, some women still think he if loves them, he will change his mind.

    I can see how it could be annoying for you if your life goals are being ignored.

    I was thinking more of the hardwiring in guys toward women who are past childbearing age. Like me. Maybe they are hardwired to overlook them or maybe see the relationship is more of a buddy one.

    That’s cool with me. I’d like a sexy, romantic buddy as a life partner. I’d like that a lot! Yippee. I don’t know if a hardwire change happens; I don’t think that came up in the Soulmate Summit.

    Maybe FW knows. I wonder if guys click over to that at any point or whether they always look for a place where their seed could take root. Wondering… I remember from my early teen years (about 14) a couple moved next door and there was disparity in age.

    I was probably too young to judge ages but I guessed she was about 35 and he was about 70. They had a newborn. The man had trouble climbing the front steps, can’t figure why they’d moved there! She would let him lean on her to make it to the house, step by step. I knew when I saw him he might never play catch with that little baby not that it’s the most important thing.

    Maybe it was temporary, as some of my ailments are temporary although last weeks or months at a time. After about three months we moved so I don’t know how they fared the rest of the year.


  227.  #227femenergylove on February 28, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    # Daria,
    i’m also curious to the feeling of love even the person pulls away…is it imagination?wishing?
    explore this with me.

  228.  #228Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Luzydel —

    When I say, “ooh, you called me babe. I love that.”

    He makes an effort to call me babe. I hear it a lot more.

    When I say, “I feel uncomfortable with that.” he generally says sorry and promptly changes what he was doing.

    And, when I say:

    The way I see it, I’m on the bridge to my Forever Guy. I appreciate your pointing out that matrimony, in its unfair and biased state today, is not required.
    I’ve often said that I would marry when my daughter’s step-fathers could marry one another. When I’m talking to a man, I’m not interested in him
    offering sex, because I have that. I’m somewhat interested when he is ready for a casual, non-committed relationship, but I already have that, too.
    I’m in the space that, in order to really pique my interest, a guy has to bring his A game. A half-hearted attempt and an excuse won’t do it. Neither
    will an “I like you….kind of” get to me. If a man wants me to point any intention toward him, he must pursue, as I am fully aware of my value, and
    will not settle for anything less.

    Of course, there’s time to get to know one another. Just that — I’m not going to be putting my eggs in one basket, focusing my attention, or taking
    anyone too seriously until he’s letting me know through words and actions, that he has serious intent. It’s a high bar. I’ll enjoy the ones who give
    me attention, but don’t cross the bar. And I’ll keep right on moving.


    He’ll very likely pursue.

    The above pasted quote is from my draft to my college friend who has reconnected.

    I welcome feedback….


  229.  #229Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    @217: Lisi says:
    “…Eternity – Okay — I’m totally teasing you….”

    You are getting naughty like me…one reason I like you. 😀

    But I think Eternity’s issue is pretty serious, if the guys she meets are disregarding her life plan. I would feel frustrated with that.


  230.  #230Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    It should be God-fathers — not step fathers

  231.  #231Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    SLV —

    I like you, too.


  232.  #232tinque on February 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    SlV – “whether they always look for a place where their seed could take root”

    No there are plenty of men not looking for this, who want a woman of similar age and experience, someone with whom to truly share a life and love with.


  233.  #233Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    SLV I have never seen or heard of a situation where guys change what they are hardwired to do. For instance the pursuing then, I have read that they are momentarily flattered by it but then it becomes a turn off for them. As far as children are concerned I have heard other coaches say to get the talking about their family “tell me about your family” or something to the effect “what do you think about the octomom”. I have a friend who has two kids and only wanted one. We have a mutual friend whose wife got pregnant with the 4th one last year. I asked him what would you do if it were you he said “I would jump” meaning he would commit suicide. I also know he only wanted one child and feels his wife deceived him because she told him she was on the pill but got pregnant with the second. Then there was no sex because the child always slept between them. The key is to get guys talking early on to see what their values are. CC suggests gossiping about people in pop culture. Again just like us different guys are looking for different things.

  234.  #234Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 5:09 pm

    My understanding also is that guys are at different stages of their lives and at each stage they think differently and can be looking for different things.

  235.  #235Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    OMG, I was boiling some eggs to make egg salad; I was reading blog and posting and I time passed quickly! All the water boiled out of saucepan and now I found scorched egg shells when I went to check. hahaha. Wonder if they are edible? I didn’t even check the clock, I thought it was only about ten minutes! Wrong!

    Good thing I checked eventually, once I was cooking and then on phone and smoke detector went off, I opened the kitchen window so smoke could escape and neighbor called fire department. Burly guys with axes were soon at my door…

    Dangers of talking (and blogging) too much.


  236.  #236Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 5:13 pm

    Eternity and PG and Brenda – and anyone else with weight “issues”:

    PG, I commiserate with your feelings of flab and yuck. But, girl!!! 80 pounds???? EIGHTY? Are you for real??? That is AMAZING! I am IN AWE of you!

    I have lost 17 pounds since May due mostly to a reduction in stress. Less stress = less cortisol making belly fat and less need to eat to feel comforted. I also attribute my stress reduction to my friendship with my pal Annie Clyde–I can tell her anything and feel unconditionally loved and not judged. It is the first and only time in my life I have felt that way. And the beauty of it is, I offer the same to her, and THAT has equaled tremendous growth for me. Having that best friend, that landing place has reduced my stress so dramatically that I don’t feel the need to stuff my pain down with extra portions. And being focused on someone else for a change has been great therapy too! And when we get together, we just have FUN–something I have not experienced in 20 years of marriage and kids and sick parents and financial stress. You read all the time about experts saying that having close relationships and someone to talk to equals less stress and more longevity. I think it’s true!

    Of course, I realized all of this in retrospect–when my doctor said “Do you know how much weight you’ve lost since you were here last?” I had had no idea! I’m down from a size 18 to a 14 and ALMOST fit into a size 12 with no real effort, and that feels GREAT. Being happy really is awesome. My plan is to go slowly with yoga and the elliptical and jogging and weights. I want to lose another 35 pounds and fit into a 6! I have not seen a 6 since my bodybuilding days! (Yes, ladies, I was once a smokin’ hottie by ANYONE’s standards).

    My goal now is health. A nice size 8 would be lovely too for health–to reverse blood pressure issues and to eliminate any chance of diabetes.

    What I love about myself now is that I am the most beautiful I have ever been–even at a size 12. I have awesome hair and am blessed with good gegnese for skin and teeth. And I love my soft, round, luscious body and accept it. But I want health now.

    Thanks for letting me get these thoughts out. I feel pretty after 20 years of feeling exhausted and haggard and dumpy.

  237.  #237Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 5:14 pm

    RE 224 Luzydel IMHO the only way to know how FMs will affect a man is by using it to them. In my experience they mostly react strongly. Last year I asked one “do you know what rejection feels like” he said yes and I said that is exactly how I feel because of the lack of communication. He willing changed his schedule for the day for me. I find it fascinating that most of them will respond when they hear FMs.

  238.  #238luzydel on February 28, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    I feel a bit under the weather and also stressed out. I need to take care of myself, putting too much energy on a guy, on a relationship, i just want to feel good and every time I try to be with someone I feel good at the beginning then it all falls down.

    I am giving up 🙁

  239.  #239Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Hey, Daria….One of the people who wrote me requesting help has issues of worthlessness, etc. and she said she thought it was from her childhood.

    I looked up Innerbonding since you talk about it here…and it looks really cool. But the self assessment test annoyed me so badly I wrote Margaret Paul. lol… Anyway, childhood issues leading to sense of worthlessness, almost 30 about to graduate nursing school and looking for love, too – where can she find help – if anyone feels inspired, please share!

    “I am so impressed with the work I see here, but the Assessment Test makes it seem hokey or invalid – there are no answers that make one okay except for the obvious system one. For example, I completely understand intent, even use segment intending…but there’s not an answer that says, yes, I apply this principle successfully. Or, yes I am able to maintain positivity and happiness without a process OR a therapist. It sounds like you are either really miserable, or you’ve already done Inner Bonding and there’s no inbetween state – such as, I’m good, and I’d like to learn even more to be better!

    Wondering what or if she’ll answer?



  240.  #240Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Oh, did I mention that I used to be a chef???

    Now that my older kids live with their dad much of the time (we have shared custody now), and there is no man I feel I have to cook for, I have really reduced my proximity to food and tendency to think about it all the time.

    Some nights dinner is a banana and a yogurt.

  241.  #241Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    @233: Femininewoman says:
    “…SLV I have never seen or heard of a situation where guys change what they are hardwired to do…”

    Wondering rather if the hardwiring programing itself allows for change in what attracts. If there is something other than a drive throughout life to find a place where seed will take root. Or if that’s it always.

    Someone did write that after a certain age a woman is of no use to a man…


  242.  #242Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 5:19 pm


    That’s hopeful!


  243.  #243Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    235 – SLV – I did that once when pregnant with one or other of the babies. I boiled the eggs and fell asleep and then awoke to a scary POP! sound and a smoke-choked house.

    The water had boiled away, the pan had scorched, and two of the eggs had rocketed to the ceiling and STUCK there! The house just stunk for days 🙂

  244.  #244tinque on February 28, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    SLV – I don’t know what you mean by “of a certain age”, but I know plenty of women over 50 who have plenty of use to their men. And I mean in all way, sexually included.


  245.  #245Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Hey SLV —

    I hear some negative programming re: I think a man won’t want me because I’m too old.

    Or, maybe: I think a GOOD man won’t want me because I’m too old.

    What if a FANTASTIC man wanted you, and thought you were the EXACT right age for him?

    Your sweetie (whom you’re attracting) thinks your age is just fine.

    I had a lot of negative body image stuff. B. worked out 2 hours a day, and was DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. I felt insecure & ugly next to him. The only thing he ever said to me was, “You look fine, M.”

    The Buddhist Guy — who was old and fat and unattractive — gave me a hard time about being overweight, and said he wasn’t that attracted to me.

    Your sweetie iz gonna find himself one hunka hunka hot sexy old woman, and he’s gonna LIKE it.


  246.  #246Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    @243: Boomer says:
    “…The water had boiled away, the pan had scorched, and two of the eggs had rocketed to the ceiling and STUCK there! ….”

    I arrived in nick of time, pan not scorched but two of the six eggs had scorch marks. But thankfully no smoke and no humiliation of three firemen at the door. Oh, that time was awful! I was only heating up beenie weenies then and it happened in just a few minutes.


  247.  #247Prairie Girl on February 28, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    Boomer I feel so happy you feel pretty now… you deserve to feel beautiful..

    I am a size 14 jeans.. size 12 in some dresses/skirts… I would LOVE to be a size 12 jeans…I’m down to 165-170 been bouncing the past few days, from 247… so I have skin/flag issues. I do work out…

    I lost the weight totally by “paying attention” eating only when I was hungry, only what I wanted..even if it was something deemed bad.. like chips…but after a few chips I noticed either it didn’t taste good or taste at all.. so I stopped. If I was still hungry I ate something else and tried to stop when I was no longer hungry, but BEFORE I was full…because it takes a while for the food to hit the bottom of the tank and then I’d be over full..

    It’s funny but after years of dieting while unhappily married, once I said I wanted a divorce it began to fall off… true story..

    Oh and I lost my taste for sugar… it wasnt in the house for a month and then the next b-day cake tasted bad and for once I didn’t push past the bad for the buzz…

    I’m still feeling very unsireny… sad…scared… I let myself care for this man.. and while I have no desire to “put him in cage” refreshingly enough… I feel so scared that I will get hurt. I feel afraid that no one will see me the way he does… On my list of things I ask God for…
    “Lover of my words and heart”.. no man EVER has just wanted to HEAR me breath… sigh… giggle.. speak.. AND LOVE LOVE LOVE the way I write…

    I try and tell myself if it can happen once it can happen again… That is where I lose faith..

    I have been SO struck by the post a few back about the lion and prey…

    I had to admit that I didn’t really want to be in Smooth cowboys paws… I couldn’t even hold eye contact while making love because he looked too old… I would have “pushed” past that and loved him anyway.. SETTLED.. because that’s the way I am..He knew and let me from his paws…

    Thank you for responding..

  248.  #248Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    AlphaMale sent me a text this afternoon after our email exchange about the sex talk boundaries:

    “Even the alpha male needs a smack on the nose with the rolled-up newspaper once in awhile to keep him in line. As the alpha, I may test your boundaries from time to time, but I will respect them. Thank you for sharing yours with me. Just keep that paper handy…Wednesday seems so far away.”

    (We’re meeting for sushi Wednesday evening.)

    OK, so, yeah, he seems sex-obsessed and he has been pretty transparent about that fact in his other communications, but, come on, is it just me, or is that darn cute and fairly self-aware?

    Also, he seems to play the sex card in writing. In our various phone calls, sex has not been as hot a topic.

    I like him, although with a safe reserve.

  249.  #249Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    @245: Lisi says:
    “…Your sweetie iz gonna find himself one hunka hunka hot sexy old woman, and he’s gonna LIKE it….”

    Yeah, I know… I just started wondering and getting gloomy… Thanks for the perk up.

    And Boo! on Buddhist guy. I bet he was envious of you.


  250.  #250Prairie Girl on February 28, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Ahh Boomer… I love it… Lawman cowboy said he was like a bull testing the electric fence and always said things like “is that fence still up there”
    Have fun, I say.. but then… consider the source(me)

  251.  #251Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm


    He likes you.

    You like him.

    I like him for you.

    I’m cautiously optimistic.

    And fully aware that, should he turn out not to be The One — you’ll get back on yer horse.


  252.  #252LonePlum on February 28, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    29 Lucy

    I do not have your address, I could not forward the blog to you.


  253.  #253Prairie Girl on February 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    #251 Lisi… Wow, I really like that…

  254.  #254Boomer on February 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Thanks, PG and Lisi 🙂

    If he turns out not the be The One, I have four more waiting in reserve to put on my horse.

    Hee, I love it!

    And the practice has been great!

  255.  #255Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    @247: Prairie Girl

    Someone who is just right for you will find you as my beloved will find me. I *know* this deep within but every now and then start wondering a bit.

    You lost 80 pounds!!! In one year! I admire that so.

    Everything else seems a snap! If this is not the guy for you, there will be someone else.


  256.  #256Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    RE 146 Renee the tonality is also important. I have an interview from CC with Rori where she explains that sometimes we are saying one thing but our tone is saying something else and guys are very sensitive about tonality. Remember 90% of communication is non-verbal so the body language is also important. There are times when they don’ hear our words at all because of this. I have also read that the intensity of our response must match the intensity of the transgression. Many times there is a disconnect because they believe we are making a big deal about small issues. The inner drama queen IMHO can be used when appropriate, the problem is that it is a lot of people’s default reaction so feelings can easily be understood by them as drama as we all put our current experiences through the filter of prior experiences. Many guys have learnt the wrong lesson from some women who dramatize at the slightest mistake so at the first sign of drama even “we need to talk” they run.

  257.  #257LonePlum on February 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm


    I agree with femininewoman about your post 53 on the temporary blog.
    He writes, you write back
    He phones, you pick up the phone
    He texts, you text back
    Be straight, simple, real, reliable
    You reply the same day because you are polite and because he is not coming back too late, you want him to know you are on the same page.
    What you don’t want is to be the taken for granted, which is different. This can be conveyed by the content of the mail.


  258.  #258Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    PG —

    Thanks for the info on how you lost weight.

    It’s kinda what I’m trying to do — just get really present & aware and be good to my body through food.


  259.  #259Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    PG – that’s amazing and I totally believe our weight has to do with our happiness! Congratulations – but, sigh, as you’re finding out skinny isn’t all the answer (I got so skinny once I went and modeled in New York – and then started passing out all the time.)

    Post menopause I’m at a really high weight – and, yet, I still easily found a guy 6 years younger than me who is ummm…huge…too big, actually. lol…

    he has bad teeth tho – see we all have to compromise….and that was mine! but….

    NEVER settle! Always think there’s gonna be a NEXT one, yall!!! I’m proof there is – have never been without a boyfriend since I was 15 years old…

    and it’s about how you feel too – I had a teacher who used to say, the body doesn’t lie –

    very profound!

  260.  #260Lisi on February 28, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Lone Plum:

    I posted this above. This is part of my draft. I’m answering a question he asked here:

    The way I see it, I’m on the bridge to my Forever Guy. I appreciate your pointing out that matrimony, in its unfair and biased state today, is not required.
    I’ve often said that I would marry when my daughter’s God-fathers could marry one another. When I’m talking to a man, I’m not interested in him
    offering sex, because I have that. I’m somewhat interested when he is ready for a casual, non-committed relationship, but I already have that, too.
    I’m in the space that, in order to really pique my interest, a guy has to bring his A game. A half-hearted attempt and an excuse won’t do it. Neither
    will an “I like you….kind of” get to me. If a man wants me to point any intention toward him, he must pursue, as I am fully aware of my value, and
    will not settle for anything less.

    Of course, there’s time to get to know one another. Just that — I’m not going to be putting my eggs in one basket, focusing my attention, or taking
    anyone too seriously until he’s letting me know through words and actions, that he has serious intent. It’s a high bar. I’ll enjoy the ones who give
    me attention, but don’t cross the bar. And I’ll keep right on moving.


    What do you think?

  261.  #261Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    Boomer…you go grrlll! Glad to hear your spirits are back up. Do alpha males call themselves alpha? lol…mine sure didn’t he just ruled his world, charismatically and richly. ha….

    let us know how it goes!

  262.  #262Femininewoman on February 28, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    RE 248 Boomer I like him too. He sounds a bit evolved and like he is on his growth path also. We are human, we make mistakes so we should expect it. I should also say I have learnt from Dr. Paul that our boundaries can have doors or walls. Walls are what keep our world small and we tend to use them to close out people. Doors are used to open and close to people. When they push the boundaries, we share what we do and don’t want. A good man will normally understand that and adjust his behavior. I know people complain about guys pushing our boundaries but for me I am not sure how they will know what our boundaries are until they push them. I would hate having to start out giving a list of do’s and dont’s before I got to know the person and have some fun with them. Feels like the old school marm. Christian Carter gave out some freebies of the “make or break moments” that come up with men. I have to look them up and post them here. I believe they will help somewhat.

  263.  #263LonePlum on February 28, 2011 at 5:51 pm


    About your post 41 on the temporary blog
    If your date’s friends would ask you where you work, you’d have no problem answering that. You’d tell him where you work. Unless it is a National Top Secret or something.

    I understand him noticing she is too much of a questioner, but I do not understand why he could not answer such a simple basic question.
    Do you know where exactly he works? Do you have real details about his work places? Or is it only what he tells you?


  264.  #264Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    @262: Femininewoman says:
    “…Feels like the old school marm…”

    Yep, call me “ole school marm.” When I tell a guy twice, my expectations are that he’ll follow through at least until we meet and have a better feel for each other.

    But it’s possible that my guidelines need tweaking, I could be entirely off base. I’m open to learn so eager to see how it turns out. Good, I hope!


  265.  #265Pamelala on February 28, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Brenda and LonePlum,

    Hey, I just want you to know that I wasn’t blaming anyone that I didn’t know about the temporary site, just sad that I didn’t know.

    I’m sending my e-mail address to you, Brenda, would you mind forwarding it to LonePlum? I feel hesitant to post it here because of who I am (would hate for a client to ‘stalk’ me and find everything I’ve written here.)

    Thanks much!

    P.S. Brenda, I’m so proud of you for taking steps with Ryan that you need to in order to move toward the life that lies ahead for you. You honor your own heart.

  266.  #266lilybelle on February 28, 2011 at 6:11 pm


    I hope so!!

    I surely don’t want to feel like time is running out for me.


  267.  #267ConfuzzledCookie on February 28, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Before I go attempting to catch up on what I’ve missed today… I did gravatar!

    And I logged on to my plentyofffish after we were talking about all the sites. I had an email from that feature where people can say they want to meet you. So the second I log in this guy IM’s me on it. My goodness. And then seconds later I have a message from him. I’m sure he did the meet thing and began to compose his message, then saw me sign in, hit the IM thing, and then finished the message. Anyways…

    him: hi cutie 🙂 my name’s xxxx and i’m from xxxx. wanna talk?
    me: Hello
    him: how are you doing?
    me: I’m alright, how about yourself?
    him: pretty good. i’m about to go to a friends place and relax. so what do you enjoy doing when you’re not busy teaching kids? 🙂
    me: I feel like so much of my time is tied up teaching and dancing so I usually just spend my weekends and other free time relaxing because it’s the only time I can, haha.

    *insert more irrelevant convo here*

    him: you should text me. xxx-xxxx. i’m gonna leave panara in like 5 minutes 🙂

    him: do you have more cute pictures? recent?
    me: I do, let me see if I can grab one or two

    *I shared one*

    him: aw 🙂 do you have facebook?
    me: Yes, I do. However I don’t feel comfortable adding people I don’t truly personally know, if that makes sense.
    him: know thats ok 🙂
    him: so what are you up to tomorrow?
    me: Working
    him: aw :/ well it would be nice to meet you for coffee when you’re done or something. if not soon i hope 🙂
    me: I’m feeling sluggish and kinda tired at the moment, take no offense if I seem quiet
    me: long day
    him: its ok :/ i hope you get some energy tomorrow cutie 🙂
    me: haha thanks
    him: well i’m gonna take off but i hope you have a goodnight! write me Anytime and i will respond. i’m not on here too often so if you feel comfortable text my cell. xxx-xxxx.
    me: I probably won’t be texting right away, I like to get to know someone and talk for a while first, but I will definitely reply to your message. You have a great night too.
    him: ok. well have a goodnight and thank you 🙂 it was nice talking to ya cutie! 🙂

    It’s “no” not “know” -_- anyone else catch that mistake?

    First off you just started talking to me five minutes ago. No I will not tell you my full real name, no I will not add you on facebook, and no you can’t have my number. Not yet. EFFING RELAX. The message had his cell number in it too. GEEZE.

  268.  #268Alonka on February 28, 2011 at 6:36 pm


    You sound great! I;m curious to see how many times you will hear from him in the next couple of days;P

  269.  #269Alonka on February 28, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    So tired from working and studying – going to bed early;) Good night to everyone!

  270.  #270luzydel on February 28, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    I don’t want to feel today. How would it be if I did not feel? I feel PMS hormonal yucky.

    sight :-< !!!!

  271.  #271gina on February 28, 2011 at 7:23 pm

    About the tickling…reminds of when d kept licking my face. I remember my mom pointed out that it was a little abusive and she compared it to people who tickle kids too much. I used feeling messages again and again and he kept doing it until I go FURIOUS and then he was a big baby about it. He’s licked my face a couple times since we broke up, and it pisses me off. A person with the type of mentality that likes to torture people, I really DONT think that feeling messages are the very best tool to deal with them. I think they require super strong boundaries and a complete willingness to separate from them if they won’t cooperate.
    I think it would be good to tell the guy to get off her and get out. He can come talk to me later when I don’t want to kill him. Yes, I feel very resistant to feeling messages in this case…

  272.  #272Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    SLV, yes, Campbell’s. 🙂

  273.  #273Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    @272: Lucy says:
    “…SLV, yes, Campbell’s….”

    It will be fun to go on a hunt for some! I will call Campbell’s tomorrow.


  274.  #274Simply Shannon on February 28, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    PG, are we sisters from another mother? I have done the exact same thing with my weight!! I am nearly the exact same weight as you are now. My highest weight was 253 (right before I gave birth). I’m now down to 170. Size 14 in most things and size 12 in others.

    I did exactly what you did. Noticing when I’m eating out of boredom or comfort and just not finishing my plate. I still eat badly at times but NEVER the amount I used to eat. (I used to super size everything and now I feel full from eating the bits my boys don’t eat from their happy meals. 😯 )

    That is freaky that you just posted that!! I feel shocked and elated!

    And to think… I just bought a bikini on Saturday. First time in over a decade. I still have a flabby belly (courtesy of carrying twins full term) but I will rock a bikini this year dammit! 😉

  275.  #275Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    @274: Simply Shannon

    I gained 16 pounds when I was pregnant and weighed 150 pounds the day I gave birth. At that time it seemed like a huge amount. A month after, I went below my usual weight. Now, I’d be happy to be at the pregnant weight! LOL


  276.  #276Pamelala on February 28, 2011 at 7:52 pm

    So, my ex from college that got defriended last week contacted me and asked why I defriended him and said that what he shared on my status comments wasn’t a lie…or he’d apologize for it and that I should just laugh it off.

    Would appreciate your help with my response:

    “T, when I read that comment, I felt fearful of what might be coming next. I felt confused and hurt. It feels bad to have painful events from the past, that I already apologized for in private, to be brought up in public. No, it wasn’t a lie, but I felt hurt just the same – it would feel ingenuous to laugh it off and say it’s OK. It would feel good to trust that my friends will treat with kindness and understanding, instead of feeling fearful that the skeletons in the closet are just waiting for an opportune moment to show themselves.”

    What do you think?

  277.  #277Eternity on February 28, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    276 Pamelala

    sounds good to me, you could throw in a few want/don’t wants to make it shorter if you thought it may help eg

    I want my friends to treat me with kindness and understanding. I want the past to be in the past as I had apologised for it. I don’t want private skeletons of the past to be brought out in public.

    Hope this helps 🙂

  278.  #278Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    Shannon, I feel surprised – your fb pics look like you are smaller than those stats. How tall are you? I wish I could feel comfortable wearing a bikini – I wore one for a few years when I was slightly underweight but am now 15 pounds over the high end of normal (i.e., overweight) and I am short so it looks like a lot. 🙁 But I ran in the rain tonight and it felt great, so I still hope to lose more by summer.

  279.  #279Senior Lady Vibe on February 28, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    @276: Pamelala says:
    “…What do you think?…”

    What do I think? It might not help much to say it but I think your “defriend” is an indiscreet and crude bumpkin. Ugh!

    I suppose one could appeal to his sense of honor and character as a gentleman but I doubt that he is a gentleman or has a sense of honor. He is a person without boundaries and any FB user of value or substance will know that about him when they read what he posts.

    What he is writing is not funny but in a sense he is; he’s a clown and probably angry about something.

    You could tell him what he’s posting is indiscreet and not funny but I think you’ve already done that. I am almost certain that he lacks the ability to comprehend this in the same way that some guys like to upskirt women and post the pics on the Internet.

    Don’t waste too much time with him.



  280.  #280Pamelala on February 28, 2011 at 8:27 pm

    Thanks, Eternity and SLV,

    I went ahead and sent it as written. It is that last message I will send. I feel so sad that someone I loved so deeply, at one time, has become so embittered and contemptuous.

    Why is it that he’s the one who was being mean and I’m the one who feels guilty?! Codependent much?

    Loving my little girl who always felt like everyone else’s bad behavior was her fault. She is so precious and deserving of being treated with kindness and tenderness.

    I’m just gonna hold her and rock her and picture her surrounded by light and God’s love. She’s sad about the loss of relationship, of not being able to fix it – because she didn’t break anything.

    Screw you, TL, you can’t hurt my little girl anymore…you hurt her enough for a lifetime 26 years ago…you don’t get to do it again.

    We pray that you will find happiness and be a good daddy to your beautiful little red-headed princesses.


  281.  #281Prairie Girl on February 28, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    SS I will wear a bikini at my cousin’s pool just to tan, but it won’t be pretty.. I’m not saying that to put myself down. I do know that I am attractive… but I see so much baggy/flabby/saggy

    Thank you SLV for saying that well find our men…I have so many blessings in my life I feel like there’s a voice in the sky screaming “Oh Ye OF LITTLE FAITH”… Well that is I….

    I’m feeling sad tonight… LMCB called this am.. but no texts/calls all day or tonight… I feel he’s with this other woman who he hears a “no” in his head with.. but she drives to him… often.. she’s falling for him so he thinks he needs to shut it down so she doesn’t get hurt cause he thinks/feels she’s not the one.. but he is lonely and wishes they could just be cuddle/sex/friends…Blurted this am why can’t she just date…

    I honestly don’t know what to wish for/believe… I just want to have peace that if a man who so loves my words, both spoken and written, could just fall from the sky like he did… When I in my heart didn’t really believe it was possible… that it could happen again… There is the rub is it not? To believe that the best you’ve ever had so far is not the best there will ever be.

    I’m a broken record tonight… Sorry.

  282.  #282Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    hey guys I’m back…

    not feeling triggered anymore…i thought i had triggered some sirens and that was not my intention and i have issues when i think I caused tension 🙁


    LonePlum (con’t from temp thread) and #263

    that’s a good question let me try and rephrase what I was saying on that thread…

    First…pipeliner man is a TALKER so if anyone wants to ask him a question about ANYTHING he will talk away for hours lol

    so he definitely answered her questions and it wasn’t a problem at all

    he is very honest and will tell me or anyone else “how it is”

    the point of that post was that I could totally see the difference between boy energy and girl energy

    my roommate is always in her boy energy…

    and the questioning/suggesting thing…has happened to me and i’ve told him about it and that was the first night he experienced it (he had NO problem answering, he was just surprised)

    i’m just going to post the questions/suggestions I received after pipeliner left…this time was extra emotional when he left and I just let the tears go (I haven’t cried before in front of him..he was really really sweet)

    1. why didn’t I go with him?
    2 why didn’t I tell him I loved him? why didn’t he tell me he loved me?
    3 when will i see him?
    4 i should decorate the room with rose petals next

    it’s seems funny now…but it really triggers me for some reason…

    I know she doesn’t mean anything by it..

    anytime I have an insecurity and I express it i usually wish I hadn’t said anything…weird…maybe it’s a boundary of mine I need to work on

    I’m not sure if any of that made sense…
    what do you think?

  283.  #283SummerBaby on February 28, 2011 at 8:39 pm


    I had the same thing happen with a fb friend. I defriended him and I told him why. He totally did not respect my private statements to him and made them public.

    I have deleted comments on my wall before from other friends who just don’t seem to care who might read them. It’s not that I care so much what others think as it is I don’t feel some material is suitable for all audiences. I have personal, family, and work friends on FB so it’s important to me to have some sort of G-rated continuity. Not that those are your issues, but they are mine.

    Someone who would not even realize a boundary and suggest you just laugh it off obviously doesn’t give a hoot for your feelings. Extending an extra hug from my little girl to your little girl.

    That boy has cooties! 😉


  284.  #284Jacqueline on February 28, 2011 at 8:42 pm

    Wow, ladies – Margaret Paul wrote me right back asking about the assessment test @ Inner Bonding which I felt was skewed to have only one right answer – her program – and had no options for anyone who was basically functioning but just wanted more and better!

    Cool – and maybe she’ll be on my blog soon.

    Oh, WOW, PG—-that sentence is absolutely my life’s mission and can I take it? It is what I, my blog and most of what I say is about – that I always want people to feel the best is yet to come, that there’s one more adventure – the best one out there, etc. etc. SLV thought I meant getting old was awful, but it’s not that – it’s more like I had some fab. glory days – modeling in New York, living in Puerta Vallarta, spending a month on a fishing boat in Kodiak Alaska, London…etc. and I do NOT wanna live in oh it was so great and it’s gone!

    I absolutely believe the best is ALWAYS …..NEXT!!!!

    and hope you can find hope in it – if you can’t feel it, I’ll feel it for you!!!


  285.  #285Pamelala on February 28, 2011 at 8:45 pm


    Thanks for the hugs…and the giggle. He has cooties, indeed!

  286.  #286T-Girl on February 28, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    A couple of you on the old thread asked how I changed my Pen Name on to be able to write a review. I went under “Your Account”, “Your Public Profile”, “Edit Your Profile”, “Edit Name”, “Edit Pen Name”.

    Hope that helps!

  287.  #287Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    My phone can’t load the temporary blog, so if anyone addressed me on there, i missed it. Are ppl still writing on it?

  288.  #288SummerBaby on February 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    good night sirens… this chica is crashing.

  289.  #289Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    lucy i don’t think so

    it wasn’t a very long blog either but it felt fun

  290.  #290ConfuzzledCookie on February 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    We need a forum of some sort… you know?

  291.  #291Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    so..this is something i’ve been thinking about tonight…

    so i’ve kept CDing even though I’m falling for pipeliner man

    I’ve dated quite a few men since I met pipeliner

    we’ve never had the exclusivity talk even though I’ve kinda brought it up 3!!! times because there is a part of me that feels guilty about CDING!!!

    so this weekend when he was here we were talking and I asked if it was hard for him to do the long distance thing
    HIM: no i like being with somebody, I like being in a relationship, there is no girl where I was (in OR) that even compares to you

    ME: I like that 🙂

    HIM: what about you? is it hard for you? I saw that you still have your POF profile up?!

    ME: well I’ve brought up the exclusivity topic a few times and you’ve never said that we were and I’ve never been in a relationship that a man hasn’t asked me for exclusivity

    HIM: I guess you’ve never been with a confident man then (he’s totally pushing my buttons lol)

    ME: oh ya? is that so? (with a big smerk and smile)

    HIM: i guess I didn’t think we needed to define it…

    and that seemed to be the end of the conversation…I get really uncomfortable talking about it…i feel scared like I’m going to disappoint him but at the same time I KNOW I can still walk away

    and I still feel like I need to clarify that I’m keeping my options open???!!!!

    what do you guys think of that?

  292.  #292Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Jilly- saying, “i didn’t think we needed to define it” sounds like a “live in the present moment” kinda guy… take it as it comes, date others if we want, see how it goes, just enjoy each other each moment we’re together…What do you think?

  293.  #293ConfuzzledCookie on February 28, 2011 at 9:25 pm


    What you said about guilt and CDing brings to mind a certain quote from the movie ‘He’s Just Not That Into You.’

    I just googled it and the quote is not accurate. The audacity. “What if you meet the love of your life, are you supposed to let them pass you by?” She’s talking about someone who is already married, if you’re married and you meet the love of your life, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be marriage, a relationship of any sort applies as well.

    Maybe at some point when things are calm you could ask him how he would define it / the two of you.

    There’s no sense in signing your soul away to him since he has not owned up to saying you are mine and mine alone, exclusively.

    Besides, what someone better comes along?

  294.  #294Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    yes..Lucy…except I really don’t think he wants to date anybody else…but I do think/feel he is a live in the moment kind of guy

    his quote recently: I don’t know what tomorrow brings but I know I want you in it

    CC: yes I have definitely not signed anything!! LOL in fact a have 2 different dates this week and I feel excited about them

    I think that I need the clarity

    I told him that even if he moved to my town I couldn’t promise him that it would work out…I don’t think he expected me to say that cause he brought that up again lol

    i already know that i don’t want his lifestyle
    I don’t want long distance
    I don’t know that it could ever really work

    I’m going start my period in 2 days so this is typical of me lol

  295.  #295Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    my best friend is a girl and she said that she doesn’t think you need to define relationships…she’s said that for a long time so to hear it from pipeliner wasn’t really a shocker.

    i think he’s in denial that i’m dating LOL

    most women don’t CD especially if they are having sex with a man…and they haven’t heard about Rori..

  296.  #296Jilly on February 28, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    there is no WAy that I would be exclusive with pipeliner doing a long distance relationship…

    I would go CRAZY! It already feels hard enough even though he’s very attentive calling and texting and giving me so much attention…

    uggg…i feel exhausted now just feeling all the mixed feelings i have about this situation

    it’s good…but in the end it’s crumbs 🙁 it’s not what I want

    BUT can i be a Rock Star and keep him as a snack??

    ….to be continued…..

  297.  #297Daria on February 28, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    Ild Choices love myself even in the savannah woodland

  298.  #298Alicia on February 28, 2011 at 9:57 pm




  299.  #299Alicia on February 28, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Sorry about the all caps. I was being finger lazy.. haha

  300.  #300Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    yeah Jilly, a guy i CD’d a yr ago assumed we were exclusive but he never asked and i nver told him otherwise. i felt kinda weird about it.

  301.  #301Alicia on February 28, 2011 at 10:04 pm

    And it felt good to be lazy.. haha. I just got back from the Body Art ball. It was freaking insane awesome!!!!!!

    The best dancers ever all in latex body paint. It tours the united states. If you ever hear about. It is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel sleepy and I feel inspired. The bodies are incredible.

    Night night

  302.  #302Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 10:23 pm


    RE: #182 – You said, “Thank you. I feel seen! :-)”

    You’re welcome!

    “Is it your belief that there is never any hope for these addicts?”

    I ALWAYS believe there is hope. The story that changed my life was “Run, Baby, Run”, by Nicky Cruz. This guy was a gang leader in New York City in the 1960s, and thru the intervention of a man who believed in him, his life did a complete 180 degree turn! So I believe if it happened for a hardened man like him, it can happen for anyone. I have also heard many other stories of drug addicts and what not that have turned their lives around.

    “Would your perception be that it doesn’t make an iota of difference how I interact with him?”

    It makes a difference how you interact with him. It is a tightrope walk for you. As you already see, your delicate emotions get pulled this way and that. You love, but you can’t fully trust. You hope, but you can’t rely. What helped me most was Alanon Meetings, an off-shoot of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings for the loved ones of Alcoholics/Drug addicts. It helped me stay level-headed and know what approaches work and which don’t.

    What I concluded, above all, is that I, as the woman who loved and cared for him, was not the one who could help him. Nor could I manage his behavior, as you wisely already know. It had to be a decision from within him, and he needed help from professionals, preferably men.

    You said, “He doesn’t feel like a pet to me… but he doesn’t feel like a complete man either – sometimes he does, and then sometimes he doesn’t.”

    I started using that term to keep me realistic, and that is how it felt when day after day, I was either stroking his hair and dumping his bucket when he hurled, or trying to convince him not to make another run for more of his substance of choice.

    You asked, “And last question, do you think you can ever have these people in your life but keep enough distance to keep yourself safe?”

    Yes, if I had it to do over again, I would have zero romantic commitment, and no living with me. I would not view him as any other than an acquaintance until he had a solid 6-12 months of being clean under his belt. I had unrealistic expectations that his love for me would overcome any obstacles. When my second alcoholic was in the hospital terminally ill, he held me and cried, saying, “I found my excellent person, and now I’m dying. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me.” I brought him home for hospice visiting care and he passed away 2 weeks after he was released from the hospital. Which is one more reason I get emotional around Christmas. He was in the hospital during that time, the ONLY time I ever was in a committed relationship at Christmas with a man who was not in prison. Ho, ho, ho.

  303.  #303Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 10:32 pm


    RE: #185 – You said, “I cannot imagine what it is like to still be in touch with Ryan like you have been. I’m glad mine has not been in touch. It would have felt so very painful. I hope you can find peace after writing your email to him.”

    It wasn’t painful to be in touch with him. It was just impossible to relate as a platonic friend. I didn’t expect my feelings to multiply exponentially when he reunited our friendship and was kind to me. I realized I was making a fool of myself, drooling all over him, so to speak.

    What’s painful is detoxing from MY drug, Ry Guy. I went nuts today, and it took every trick I know to not text him.

    Thanks for your support!

    Alonka, thank you also for yours and your feedback!

  304.  #304Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    Darling Ella,

    RE: #188 – You said, “What’s interesting though, on his profile the age range is 5 years older and 5 years younger…:( I am sooooo out of that range…lol”

    Ryan is 15 years younger than me. The less of a big deal you make of it, the less significant it becomes. Here is one of the most beautiful things Ryan ever said to me, “I believe if a woman is well-loved, she will be youthful well into her older years.”

    I loved it that he was so much younger! I sensed he felt a little self-conscious about it, so I stopped mentioning it. What really matter is maturity level.

  305.  #305Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 10:42 pm


    RE: #189 – Honesty

    Relationships are complex as it is when everything is above board. Lies and deceit in relationships are like undercurrents in the ocean. You don’t know what is what, and sometimes you get sucked under or away from shore before it’s too late.

    Ryan lied like no one I ever saw. If I had been strong, I would have parted with him very early on. It was at the core of much pain, like his fake proposal, leading me on. I excused him because I was so attracted to him. But I proved true what I already knew, that without trust, there can’t even be friendship.

    On the opposite end of the spectrum, my friendship with Kenny has lasted 11 years and utter honesty is a fundamental reason why.

  306.  #306Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:16 pm


    RE: #196 – I attended one meeting at a rehab with one of my pet alcoholics. They said, “Unless you break your addiction, you will end up one of three places: in prison, in an institution, or dead. It’s a proven fact.” I’ve known many addicts beyond the two I dated, and the statistics seem true.

    If they have alanon in your country, that would be your best bet. You can get feedback from others in the thick of it.

    I think if you make honesty and drugs central issues, the relationship will die on its own. They don’t like to hear that constantly.

  307.  #307Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:21 pm


    RE: #201 – You said, ‘I want someone who drinks alcohol but not an addict of any kind. And I feel weird to have that as a criteria. Maybe I am stereotyping but I have always found guys who don’t drink at all to be stiff. What do others think of this?”

    I pretty much feel the same way. I don’t rule out a man who is a teetotaler, but I wonder if he is stiff. I myself don’t have an issue with social drinking. Used correctly, relaxing with alcohol and ganja is really about creating a good vibe for sex anyway. That’s the bottom line.

  308.  #308Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:29 pm


    RE: #211 – You said, “I feel disrespected and so very very angry like its such a waste of my time, that they didnt bother to even read what I wrote. It provokes an extreme reaction in me every time. I’m trying to work out why this is because it gets me riled up every time.”

    I feel the same way as all you wrote. In addition, I have found it’s not only pushing my boundaries that irks me, but not feeling understood and heard.

    I discovered this when I realized the #1 thing I like about Ryan is I FEEL UNDERSTOOD.

    It feels so refreshing after my 11 year friendship with Kenny where I just don’t, and most everything I say gets met with interruption, misunderstanding, etc.

  309.  #309Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 11:30 pm

    Brenda and Ella, I think it’s more a personality issue – many ppl, such as myself, get relaxed, fluid, open – and ready for sex – without using alchohol. it seems like it’s partly what you’e used to. ppl have asked me “how do you do all these things without alcohol?!” Well, it’s pretty easy if it’s what you’re used to. but i guess everyone’s different.

  310.  #310Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:36 pm


    Re: #235 – You said, “Good thing I checked eventually, once I was cooking and then on phone and smoke detector went off, I opened the kitchen window so smoke could escape and neighbor called fire department. Burly guys with axes were soon at my door…”

    The moral of the story is eat cherry pie a la mode and you won’t risk a fire! LOL! 😆

  311.  #311Brenda on February 28, 2011 at 11:37 pm


    Re: #309 – I see it that way, too. I would never REQUIRE a man to be a drinker. I myself can have quite a blast without a drop!

  312.  #312Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    When I do drink, it doesn’t take much for me to get a lil TOO open and crazy… and a risk to myslef… the Irish pirate in me blood i reckon!

  313.  #313Lucy on February 28, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    haha Brenda, yeah one more drink at that mixer and i woulda been out the door with mr.tableflirter.

  314.  #314manz on March 1, 2011 at 1:16 am

    Hi Rori
    I am new to your site. I feel so happy I found you and love all the information provided.
    I’m in a long distance relationship at the moment and have read all your advice.
    My situation is a little different because we were together for five months, three of those living together before he went away.
    He has now been gone a month, and it will be another three before he is back. Although he contacts me twice a week I feel I may very well be in an imaginary relationship. There has been no promise of commitment declared. I am CDing.
    I will truly feel grateful for your advice. Thanks x

  315.  #315Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 4:49 am

    Girls, do you think I should react to a text that I got from the number I don’t know:

    ‘Hi robertik here is my new number’

    I got this on Sat night and Rob (Robert) is the name of my ex. I never called him ‘robertik’, but put this way it’s clearly a girl writing. We have no common friends, I’m pretty private with my phone number.

    What do you think?

  316.  #316Prairie Girl on March 1, 2011 at 5:04 am

    284: Jacqueline
    I don’t know what sentence you liked but please help yourself.. I would feel very flattered and pleased if anything I said here was useful to someone else… I have been SO blessed here and borrowed SO much wisdom to take on my journey.

  317.  #317Prairie Girl on March 1, 2011 at 5:07 am

    Oh I just read that last sentence again..#284… Thank you that feels so precious…you’ll know it for me…
    Angels on your body.

  318.  #318Prairie Girl on March 1, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Okay.. rushing to get kids out the door.. BUT just had a good moment..good thought and want to share since I always share the bad….lol

    You can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy… No matter how much you feel for them… they’re all just practice.. you can’t “blow” it if he’s the right guy… Just try… or ah… FEEL… again…

    Okay… even if thats not right it’s what makes me feel good to believe… so don’t correct me if I’m wrong…k? LMAO..


  319.  #319SummerBaby on March 1, 2011 at 6:18 am


    I’m really starting to believe that is true *you can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy*. I’ve been making a pile of mistakes with Mr. TreatsMeLikeGold. He doesn’t seem to pull away. I only see him once a week, but he is in contact multiple times daily.

    I am confused half the time with him because I’m so new to Rori’s stuff and I’m a classic forward leaner, so learning to lean back is difficult, but thankfully not impossible. I do lean forward at times, but I notice I’m doing it less and less and he’s doing it more and more. I’m starting to notice my insecurities beginning to slip away, and that’s a good thing.

    The cool thing is that the more I lean back and the more he leans forward, it boosts my confidence and feelings of being more secure and I open up more in a vulnerable honest way about what I’m feeling and that apparently makes me more attractive to him… which causes him to lean forward more, which increases the velocity of the cycle.

    I honestly believe it’s from observing my feelings. Learning to look at my behavior without judging myself for it takes it to a new level and tends to help the behaviors that don’t serve me to fall away.

    Of course it’s 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, but it’s still progress and the journey seems to be getting more fun when I stop putting so much pressure on myself to be “perfect” now.

    I allowed intimacy before commitment and I’m getting hooked. Instead of beating myself up for it, I am working on living in the moment and just enjoying it here and now. If I get crushed later, I will get through it, but for now, I will enjoy what I have. I cannot let anxiety for a future unknown cloud this most pleasant present.

    I guess I flew off on a tangent there. I blame the oxytocin overload.


  320.  #320Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 6:26 am


    But you can always say that from now on you don’t want intimacy without commitment. It’s up to you completely.

  321.  #321Jean on March 1, 2011 at 6:28 am

    Dear goddesses and siren lovely ladies! Using the feeling messages has worked so wonderfully for me. But have a question now. I love receiving flowers and the man I have been seeing USED to send/give them to me all the time. It has now stopped. I have no idea what type of feeling messages I can use to let him know I STILL LOVE flowers and MISS receiving them. Without making him feel bad(which rori advised we do not do) and without me reaching out to him for them. Any suggestions? On one of her tapes she does suggest to meet our own needs and I could buy my own flowers, but then how do I express to him WHY I had to buy the flowers? thanks ladies

  322.  #322Luzydel on March 1, 2011 at 6:35 am

    There isn’t a right man… I have met so many men I five years. Men are hunters, they want to catch you and keep you for their convenience then they leave for no reason. This is all a lie and we believe it.

    I google dating advice for men and there isn’t any, unles it is about hunting and getting the girl to have sex with him.
    Men don’t want to hear about how you feel, they just want to have sex with you that is all. They may get attached, but that only last a few moments.

    Men are about ego, and about getting what they want.

    I know I am rambling, but this is how I feel today. I feel disappointed and frustrated. Since my divorce five years ago, I have not been in a serious relationship. Meeting men is never an issue.

  323.  #323Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 6:49 am

    (((Luzydel))) Sounds like a bad-feeling place you are in today. Hope you feel better soon. <3

  324.  #324Jean on March 1, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Summerbaby Re 319, I totally agree with you. This is the FIRST TIME I am seeing a man and totally using the feeling messages and its soooooooo different! I keep feeling amazed as I expect it to be so like the other relationships and men and as long as I keep using the feeling messages… just keeps getting better and better! It feels so amazing, I feel so in awe all the time! Leaning back, receiving, feeling messages..its like the more I use them the more he responds, it really does work. Sometimes its hard to remember and I fall back into the old habits, but catch myself and get back to the feelings and not the overdoing.
    Luzydell 322…I feel sad to hear your pain and frustration. I used to feel the same way. But using the tools from rori…taking care of yourself FIRST and always remembering its about how you feel, not about the man…and using the feeling messages….really turned things around for me, I hope they will do the same for you!

  325.  #325SummerBaby on March 1, 2011 at 7:35 am


    I have been in your shoes. After my divorce 6 years ago, I went from dating one man after another for a long time and just felt exactly like you feel. I finally stopped dating and started working on me.

    I needed to heal a lot of heartbreak and worked very hard on not judging myself and learning to love me. I am still working on it.

    Alonka, I don’t think I can do that. My will power is next to none and it would feel like an ultimatum (sic). I think it would be harder on me than it would be on him.


  326.  #326Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 7:38 am

    Any opinions on #315?

    I can email him and ask not to share my number with anyone

  327.  #327femenergylove on March 1, 2011 at 7:40 am

    so he called.and i do not want to be friends with him,i have feelings for him and it does not feel good to be getting freindly ‘calls’ from him.i want to be with someone who clearly feels he can date as well.and he said he has so much to say but he does not know how or when to say i told him he can tell me when he feels good or safe about saying them.i feel better,but as usual kicking myself in the head as i replay the conversation in my head.
    i feel a sort o closure being honest with my feelings about nwanting to be friends with him.but afraid again that i ruined everything.but in the past i have not stated this and tolerated the awkward friend thing and i do not want this from him,i feel too much for him….well.

  328.  #328SummerBaby on March 1, 2011 at 7:44 am


    I wouldn’t text back or email. It’s a wrong number and could be phishing to send you garbage texts, unless it’s a local number.

    Ultimately, it’s up to you.


  329.  #329Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 7:57 am


    You know that in Rori’s context it doesn’t have to be an ultimatum. Of course you have to be willing to go for it and you know better how you feel;) There is always ‘I’m in the point in my life where I feel that I need a commitment along with intimacy, etc.’ – I don’t have to tell you. But it’s a very serious step.

    That was a local number and don’t know about you, but I never get txts by mistake. it may well be a mistake, but just too many things coincide: his name, the way the txter says it suggesting it’s a woman, and they say ‘it’s my new number’, but the number starts with ‘917’ and in new york they ran out of it a while ago. This may all just be alright, but it’s quite suspicious.

  330.  #330Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 8:05 am

    I was reviewing the Interview with Relationship Experts I got from CC, the expert was Rori. I am putting some highlights below

    Choose the relationship – we give up a lot when we choose the relationship
    Visualize your relationship, clean out a draw, clean out space in your closet for a man, put away pictures of family, clean stuffed animals off the bed. You have to create a void if you want a relationship, it is natural that energy, the universe will draw things to fill the void. It tells the universe that you choose the relationship. Have an intention, lean back and let it come. If you stop pressuring there is a natural tendency for energy for people to gravitate toward you. Being able to accept, lean back and set the intention and let it come in. A child when they want something they grab for it to show how important it is for them to get it. This demonstrates the level of maturity. They compare women to these children. When the guy really loves you he will not leave easily especially if he is married. But he will squirm and withdraw to get away from us when we are at our worst. We say I want I want but we are like children, afraid to receive what we want. Giving up control because we have no control of how another human being will behave. She challenges us in the interview to lean back and just believe that it will come to us. When we choose a relationship we choose less certainty of getting what you want, give up control.
    Choose a side – masculine or feminine, separate them and choose
    Masculine – thinking, doing
    Feminine – sensing, intuiting, feeling
    When you touch an inanimate object you cannot be in your head.
    There is a dance and people are not all masculine or feminine so we have to trade off. She says she has a good head for business and when she wants to share her ideas with her husband she basically puts up her hand and ask if he wants to listen to her. Many times when things are not going the way it should the women tends to step in the masculine and takes over. The man then unconsciously step back and unfortunately steps back when we take over. Then we women turn around and criticize him and blame them. But they are just going along with us because they love us. We claim that’s how men get, they are not emotional but in truth we are driving them away. We can drive him away by asking for things, making suggestions. We kind of suggest that his thinking is flawed and it is very disrespectful to men in particular. By making a suggestion we are saying they are not doing it right. That’s why we encounter men who don’t want to take chances or put a foot out there.

    We push intimacy away because we are all afraid. Most of us do it by talking and talking from our brains. Giving, mothering, nurturing is a masculine trait. Men want to give to women. Men really want to make women happy and please here because it makes him feel so amazing. Women tend to believe that men don’t want us but that is not true. Low self-esteem causes us to demand things from a man. As we get in touch with how we feel in the moment we change but our self esteem gets better.

    Appreciate things even on a small level in an authentic way. “Wow that feels good. Thank you”. When you open up your insides to another person they feel relieved because you give them to permission to be honest too. We believe it looks awful but it is not. We should look at the roles we played out in our family because we do it in relationships. Caretaker, mother, nurturer, peace maker – we spend so much time making others happy we ignore how the stresses of other people make us feel. Just by the way we look we can signal to men that we expect them to water us. Taking water feels weird. I can choose to not give until I can prove that the other person can give to me. We have to try out new behavior.

    Support the team – You and me against the world creating 3 entities, not you and me against each other, the relationship has needs of its own
    Respect the masculine – stop behaviors that disrespect the masculine
    Express the feminine – get out of the masculine mental state and just being
    Some men are just incapable of doing relationship. They experience any request from a woman as being too much of a burden for them. He might not have any idea of how to see you as a human being. As such some men are better than others – Book: Some Men are More Perfect than Others.
    Men feel very quickly that there is a lack of connection; they can’t talk themselves in and out of it. They follow their gut instincts more often that women. We have a way to instinctively know if someone is good for you but we tend to ignore them.

    Men are so driven by physiology and their gut that it is hard to get over their fear. Women are more afraid of intimacy.
    We see what we are. We see what we are looking for. If we believe we will not have what we want we will be able to identify it in the world. Power draws things towards us while force naturally sets up things in energy to naturally pull away. Muscle testing proves that energy that we focus our minds on naturally affects people around us. They will help us achieve what we want.
    When love happens stuff comes up out of our soup. If we let people give to us, if we let love in the stuff in our soup will come up slowly. The joy will come up with the pain and we will become more and more comfortable with intimacy. We believe we are not worth it so we are not allowing people to give to us. But at the same time we are walking up to their faces and saying give me something.

  331.  #331Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 8:07 am

    On the other hand, he broke up with me for no reason and the way I feel – why would I care unless he is part of my life?? If this happens again I may consider asking him to respect my privacy, but once I can let it slip.

  332.  #332Pamelala on March 1, 2011 at 8:08 am


    I would be hesitant to make up stories about what’s going on. Why not respond with a simple, “Who is this?” and once they write back, let them know that they’ve got the wrong number. It’s just like a wrong number phone call. I think it’s best to address is or risk continuing to receive contact.

  333.  #333Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Ok I have been soul searching, thinking and feeling.

    Here is what I have decided.

    I am going to speak to Mr B.

    I am going to tell him honestly what I know about addiction its affects, and also how his situation looks to me. I have never spoken to him before like this, only in relation to how the addiction affected the relationship.

    I have decided to walk away.

    And then I am going to focus on me.

    And I am going to feel every emotion that comes up. I am going to be ‘for’ me.

    But first I want to talk to him. I want to say what I see and how I see his future if he chooses to stay addicted.

    I am not doing this because I think I will get any kind of reaction, or because I think it will get him to stop.

    I am doing it because if I don’t, and I walk away, I will always wonder if I should have said something. I will always wonder if I could have tried to talk to him.

    So I am going to do this, and then drop it and walk away completely.

    No more dates or romance.

    The only way I could ever be with him is if he was clean, and he is not.

    And if ever he was and he approached me I would know the difference.

    I want to tell him that I am walking away. That I don’t want romantic connection and that I wish him well however we need to go our separate ways.

    I cannot be with him during his ‘transition phase’ (his words).

    It is like on Jeremy Kyle (talk show in UK like Jerry Springer) where when someone is an addict they often separate the couple while the addict tries to overcome their issue.

    They break the co-dependance.

    And the co-toxic one has to also concentrate on their own life, away from the addict.

    This is what I want to do.

    I feel scared, and I feel determined. e realist

    And I am quite realistic that he may never overcome his problem. And it is not my issue.

  334.  #334Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 8:16 am

    @284 Jacqueline
    “…SLV thought I meant getting old was awful, but it’s not that – it’s more like I had some fab. glory days – modeling in New York, living in Puerta Vallarta, spending a month on a fishing boat in Kodiak Alaska, London…etc. and I do NOT wanna live in oh it was so great and it’s gone! …”

    I didn’t think you meant anything other than what you wrote. You wrote about not wanting to live with your glory days behind you.

    I believe that the older women in the study who said they were happy didn’t think their glory days were behind them and that’s why they are happy. They are looking forward to living the rest of their lives.

    If you don’t want to live in “I do NOT wanna live in oh it was so great and it’s gone! …” you don’t have to. I’m not going to.

    There is something kind of pitiful about people who do: the 60-year old who daily fondles her beauty queen crown, the 70-year old who can only talk about this college football days or the year he backpacked in Europe when he was 22, etc 😀


  335.  #335Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:20 am

    Oh and btw I know this is complete lean forward, and I don’t care.

    I am no longer trying to have a relationship with this man.

    I don’t care if I am being the boy in this conversation. And I don’t mind if he thinks I am lecturing or he feels angry and that I am interfering in his business.

    I want to talk to him about how addicts end up in prison, institution or dead if they don’t break the addiction.

    I want to talk about liver disease and cancer and general shut down of body.

    I want to talk about how I see him medicating himself with his substance to mask feelings he percieves he is unable to deal with.

    And also about how when he isn’t using the substance he is using alcohol, weed, cigarettes and sugar.

    I want to say how I will not give my life over to this.

    How I can’t be around this.

    I also want to say how he may disassociate from everything I am saying and that is his choice, however for me I wanted to express it for my own piece of mind.

    I want to feel sure I have done all I can to help someone I care about.

    And then I want to walk away and take care of another person I care about (me).

  336.  #336Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:22 am

    ‘peace’ of mind! Lol.

  337.  #337Luzydel on March 1, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I feel better after writing my rant 🙂 I am always holding into my feelings, fighting them and then being logical and cold.
    I have to practice by writing first what I am feeling, so I don’t explode later and take things out of proportion.

    I jus feel exhausted, I meet a nice guy and he act all hot and wanting to be with me, then suddenly, he distance himself. Then I get all clingy and bitchy accusing him of playing games etc. Then he leaves…then he comes back and I feel so defensive that I just get the “who do you think you are?” Attitude. Furthermore, things don’t go anywhere.

    D is my first ‘experiment’ of leaning backward, not demand anything, use FMs etc.

    I will have more rants later on so bear with me ladies 🙂 I rather write about them, than ending up making a fool of myself.

  338.  #338Prairie Girl on March 1, 2011 at 8:24 am

    #319 SB..
    “I allowed intimacy before commitment and I’m getting hooked. Instead of beating myself up for it, I am working on living in the moment and just enjoying it here and now. If I get crushed later, I will get through it, but for now, I will enjoy what I have. I cannot let anxiety for a future unknown cloud this most pleasant present.

    I guess I flew off on a tangent there. I blame the oxytocin overload. ”

    Can I borrow it?

  339.  #339Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:26 am

    And I am going to do it today.

    It feels like D day.

    And in some ways I am having difficulty concentrating until I have done this.

    I know this is my co-dependancy.

    I also know my life is likely to feel a bit flat after it is done.

    I am ready for that.

    If this is my addiction I am ready to break it now.

    I am going to do this.

  340.  #340Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:28 am

    I feel very sad and empty right now.

    Thinking bout going to do my work and also life without Mr B.

    I feel empty and I am going to do it (separate from him) anyway.

  341.  #341Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 8:28 am

    @291: Jilly says

    “…and I still feel like I need to clarify that I’m keeping my options open???!!!!
    what do you guys think of that?…”

    It seems to me he already knows:
    “HIM: i guess I didn’t think we needed to define it…”

    He hasn’t asked to marry you, for you to be “his girlfriend” or any kind of exclusivity. It seems to me you are leaning forward a lot and prodding at him.

    If I were happy, I’d enjoy the relationship and continue to CD until he offered me something I wanted.


  342.  #342femenergylove on March 1, 2011 at 8:28 am

    i live in a dorm,and this guy that was really unkind to me whe ni first moved in just made me a cup of lovely tea in our communal kitchen,we dont speak,took a long time to say hi….and he walked in said hi and asked if i like tea..i said yes.he i will make you a cup of tea.
    i love it when goodness comes to me in surprises like this.
    thankyou God for this goodnees…and for this lovely cuppa.
    goin gto meet my friend for a coffee later.
    i feel so much better.and the sun was shining today and i get to watch it set from
    my dorm window up on the 11th floor.

    i love you for being so informative and love love you.insightful.

  343.  #343Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:29 am

    And part of me feels hopeful and strong.

    And I feel scared of how I am gonna feel after I have talked with him… and when it is just me and my life.

    And I am going to do it anyway.

  344.  #344Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 8:30 am

    Brava, Ella. I agree – if he changes, you will know it without a doubt. Love and strength to you, brave, loving girl. <3

  345.  #345Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:32 am

    And because I have taken my time with making this decision, weeks in fact, and I have tried out just dating him etc…

    I feel ok.

    Because it is not a snap decision like it has been in the past for me, where I have left men too soon and have then regretted it or wanted to go back bc it has been too soon.

    Here I have experimented with other ways to be around him.

    For me now it is a withdrawel.

    Anquaintences at most.

    I will not date an addicted man.

  346.  #346Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 8:34 am


    I knew someone who was engaged to a drug addict. She was trying to fight it, but time went by and he didn’t change. Then she broke up with him and maybe a year or two passed by and she learned that he stopped completely. What helped? Meditation. He was able to heal it doing a lot of meditation. They say that each case is different and there is no universal cure, but people who look for a solution find what works for them.

    this couple is not together still, but at least he is completely back to normal life.

  347.  #347Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 8:35 am

    @310: Brenda says:
    “…The moral of the story is eat cherry pie a la mode and you won’t risk a fire! LOL! …”

    ROFL 😆


  348.  #348Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:38 am



    I just hope I can stay strong.

    I feel like I could…


  349.  #349Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 8:40 am

    RE 291 Jilly “HIM: I guess you’ve never been with a confident man then (he’s totally pushing my buttons lol)” I would recommend checking what buttons these are. If they are obvious to him they will be obvious to other people too and these are our triggers. My understanding is that we have self esteem issues when people can push our buttons. Dr. Paul describes it as the buttons to our psychology.

    ME: oh ya? is that so? (with a big smerk and smile)
    This speaks volumes about your vibe. He might have sensed sarcasm even though you were smiling. Rori said on the CD I was listening to last night that this is deceptive and guys don’t like it. If we are happy we should smile, if we are angry we should show the anger. The is that so question comes across to me as Really? which I understand we should not use.

    HIM: i guess I didn’t think we needed to define it…
    I understand that guys do not define these things. They just live it. If he wanted exclusivity he would ask for it. You pushing for it is likely looked at by him as “desperation”. It might be unconscious to him but human nature dictates that when someone is trying to “convince” them to do something they “resist”. I understand that we should ask for what we want only once and leave it to them to figure it out. CC suggests for instance that if you are asked to go on a long trip or vacation you could say something like “I would feel more comfortable doing something like that with someone I am in a long-term committed relationship with”. This causes the guy to start thinking that if he wants to be with this girl he has to do …………………….

  350.  #350Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 8:42 am

    RE 342 femenergylove
    That is an example of what I understand Rori as saying let love in little by little so we get comfortable with intimacy. You are leaning back so he and the universe is responding to your intention of bringing love in. Congratulations on this huge baby step.

  351.  #351Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 8:42 am

    @321: Jean says:
    “…but then how do I express to him WHY I had to buy the flowers?…”

    Buy flowers if you like them. Why do you want to tell him “had to?” Are you leaning forward to get him to do something? Or just talking about your favorite flowers? Is there an expectation or a “telling him what to do?


  352.  #352Ella on March 1, 2011 at 8:43 am


    Yes, and stories like that are hopeful.

    I have this feeling that he would not break his addiction while I am still here engaging with him.

    And also I cannot stay around while he tries to deal with this.

    I am too co-toxic.

  353.  #353Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 8:49 am

    @322: Luzydel says:
    “…I google dating advice for men and there isn’t any, unles it is about hunting and getting the girl to have sex with him….”

    Online dating advice is about selling products. This is what men are looking for: how to get physcial with the largest number of the best looking women while spending as little money as possible. This is what sells.

    Keep in mind EMK’s saying, I hope my quote is accurate: “…Men go looking for sex and find love, women go looking for love and find sex…”

    That leaves a lot of space for things to happen…


  354.  #354Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 8:50 am


    I left out one bit, that’s “…how to get physical as soon as possible with…”


  355.  #355Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 8:56 am

    RE 319 Summerbaby “I cannot let anxiety for a future unknown cloud this most pleasant present.”

    I have heard CC this is where we want to be. Otherwise we communicate that we are unhappy with the present. Guys live in the moment “be present” and it is what is unattractive about us because we are always in our heads. I understand guys find women who can do this irresistible.

  356.  #356Boomer on March 1, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Re: 118 – FW ans Lori:

    “MHO there should be some freedom for him to talk about the topic. They are mostly focussed on it so it will come up. I liked how Lori expressed herself to the guy around her sex boundaries. It told him exactly how she would expect to be treated in relation to it.”

    Lori, can you share?

    Because early sexual talk is an ongoing trend I notice. I may be inviting it, I don’t know, but I’d like to handle it in ways that make my boundaries clear but that are not strident.

    Funny thing is, I am NOT a prude by anyone’s definition. I’m actually something of a freak, hee hee. But my pattern seems to be that sex and sexual expectations happen too early before there is any foundation for it.

    Could use some guidance…

  357.  #357Mercedes on March 1, 2011 at 9:01 am

    I struggle with this post a lot but I do understand how knowing what we’re really feeling and being able to express that is a good thing…especially for those who have learned to push those feelings down.

    Wish I had more time to spend here today…but that’s not meant to be…

    Much Love,

  358.  #358Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:02 am

    RE 353 X & Y Communications – Scott McKay give dating advice to men.
    Check out The Man’s Approach here, and you’ll see the note about
    Online Dating Domination being included when you get to the order page:

    The Man’s Approach + Online Dating Domination FREE

    So exactly WHY am I doing this, again?

    Last time I reminded you that if you can confidently and effectively meet women ONLINE AND OFFLINE you’ll have the “whole package” working for you.

    As such, you’ll be pretty much UNSTOPPABLE when it comes to having complete control of your dating life.

    And by “complete control”, I mean you’ll get the women you WANT instead of settling for the ones who happen to wander into your life by pure chance.

    The percentage of guys walking the planet at this very moment who have that DEVASTATING combo working for them is VERY, VERY small.

    But believe me when I tell you that THOSE few guys are the ones who are getting ALL the high quality women. Amazing, isn’t it?

    But the laughably crazy part is that the BIGGEST differentiator between the “haves” and the “have nots” in this regard is KNOWING THE ROPES.

    Seriously. It’s not about being tall, handsome, rich or even funny.

    It’s simply knowing the “combination” that opens the lock. That’s really all there is to it, and ANY GUY can get this right. Think I’m kidding?

    By the time I met Emily I was one of those guys who went to sleep at night marveling at all that was REALLY possible with women…when I’d previously thought all my life that such things were PURE
    FICTION. And news flash: I’m not one of those guys who was born a “natural” at attracting women.

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    Last time in Part One we talked about how “style” is not really just about your “look” as much as it is your overall vibe.

    I’m sure you’ve heard the old, worn-out cliché, “beauty isn’t skin deep”.

    Anyone who has ever been excited about a first date with a beautiful woman only to crawl the walls 45 minutes into the thing because you couldn’t stand to be around her any longer knows how
    true that is.

    Well similarly, just because you’ve got a cool haircut and some new
    threads doesn’t really mean you have a genuine “aura” about you
    that holds together in some way as to create any semblance of
    “personal style”.

    You could be just another generic dude in nice clothes…regardless
    of what some book on “fashion sense” tells you.

    Having read the first installment, you already know ten key
    questions to ask yourself that are designed to get you in touch
    with who you REALLY are in terms of the “vibe” you project to the

    Now let’s go over the rest…

    If You Owned A Restaurant, What Kind Would It Be?

    Would you be the maitre d’ or the executive chef…or would you just
    handle the biz? Would it be “fine dining” or fast food?

    Where Would You Teleport Yourself If You Could Be Anywhere RIGHT

    Careful…this is a different question than “What city would you be
    mayor of?” This isn’t the place you necessarily feel at home or
    have the most personal affinity toward.

    Rather, it simply is where you’d want to BE right now if you could.

    What Is The NEXT Pastime That You’d Like To Get Into That You
    Aren’t Into Now?

    There’s something cool out there that other people are doing and
    you’re not…but you’d like to. What is it?

    While the question of WHY you aren’t into it yet is a good one,
    that’s not necessarily a factor right now. Put all the
    excuses–including physical, logistical and financial ones–on the
    shelf for now and simply fill in the blank.

    What Kind Of Dog Would You Have?

    Maybe you have a dog already, or maybe not. If you DO have one, I
    trust it’s the one you’d like to have.

    If NOT, forget for a brief moment that you’re allergic to dogs,
    have no place for one and/or aren’t really a “dog guy” anyway.

    Instead, imagine yourself in the surroundings most conducive to
    having Man’s Best Friend along for the ride and picture your pooch.

    By the way, note that I’m not asking about cats.

    What Would You Do Differently If You Could Return To Your Senior
    Year Of High School For ONE DAY?

    That’s a GREAT one, isn’t it?

    Knowing what you know today, what would you be sure to get right
    that you most certainly DIDN’T the first time around?

    Similarly, what would you do if you could go back to college for a

    What’s Your #1 Virtue That You’re Most Proud Of?

    Your first thought that came to mind may or may not be the real
    answer here.

    Have you programmed yourself over the years to prize a certain
    aspect of yourself…but REALLY feel most gratified when ANOTHER
    virtue takes center stage?

    If you’ve ever read through online dating profiles only to realize
    that 90% of all people claim the same four or five attributes over
    and over you’ll get my drift here.

    Think this one through, because the better and more secure you feel
    about THIS answer the better your NEXT answer will be.

    …And What’s Your #1 Vice That You Have No Plans To Give Up Any Time

    The jury’s out on whether you should quit it or not, and people
    around you may even be telling you that you should.

    But you don’t give a rip. You’re going to keep doing it anyway.

    Go ahead…answer this one honestly. Nobody’s really watching except

    How Would You Make A Living?

    I’m not asking about your job. I’m asking about your livelihood.

    Let’s assume that you already have a “life purpose” that has some
    ambition tied to it. After all, we talk about that all the time
    around here so I’m not about to go into it again in this context.
    But no doubt, that all plays a HUGE part in establishing your

    How would you really, truly like to pay the bills for “living the
    dream” you have in mind?

    What’s The One Thing You Wish You Invented (Or Discovered)?

    There’s something out there that instantly caused you to think,
    “Man, I wish I would have thought of that” the first time you ever
    saw it. What is it?

    If you’d prefer, think of a major discovery that you wish you’d
    made. Personally, I always wonder about the first guy who figured
    out that crabs and shrimp are amazingly delicious…because they sure
    don’t look it.

    By the way, was your immediate reaction to think of something that
    HASN’T been invented or discovered yet? Nice. Run with that.

    How Do You Want To Go Out?

    That’s right…this question is the most poignant one of all, but
    also arguably the best.

    So how about it? How would you want to die if you had the choice?

    Get over the fact that this is a “morbid” question. How you answer
    it says tons about who you are and what you’re really like.

    Would it be peacefully in your sleep, fighting whatever’s trying to
    take you to the bitter end, or in a “blaze of glory”?

    If you’ve ever seen “Gran Torino” with Clint Eastwood, the movie is
    ALL ABOUT answering that very question.

    By the way, if you dug “Gran Torino” you should Netflix “The
    Shootist” sometime. It was John Wayne’s last movie and is clearly
    what inspired “Gran Torino”.

    Okay, and NOW comes the clincher…

    What Kind Of Clothes, Haircut, Etc. Would The Guy Who Answered All
    These Questions Wear?

    That’s right. The “style” question most people try to answer FIRST
    should actually be the VERY LAST one you ask.

    Think about it…you’ve got to know the PRODUCT before you can know
    how best to PACKAGE it. It all goes back to marketing, right?

    Can you see the irony there? Better yet, can you see why that
    irony is a GAME CHANGER when it comes to pinpointing your own
    personal “style”?

    By now you’ve answered all of those questions…and I trust you
    answered them boldly and honestly.

    Even so, when you hold all of your answers up to the light some of
    them may seem to overlap in an apparently incongruous way.

    That’s okay. Remember…you CAN’T be “incongruent” if you answered
    honestly. Rest assured of that.

    You CAN, however, have complex facets that together form your most
    intriguing (and yes, attractive) self.

    How much more of the “big picture” of what you’re REALLY like and
    what kind of vibe you’d really love to emanate do you have now that
    you’ve considered all of those angles represented by those various

    Can you really “picture” this more holistic, and dare I say MORE
    INFORMED view of yourself?

    What is the guy who holds all of those opinions and favors all of
    those sorts things really LIKE?

    What does he DO? Where does he GO? What does he SAY? Who does he

    Try on that overall vibe you’ve just created. It should fit like a
    Brioni suit…and right off the rack, no less. After all, it’s YOU.
    It REALLY is.

    What’s more, you should be PSYCHED to go out and BE that guy.

    At the very least, you should be more excited about it than you are
    about falling in line as another boring, vanilla (and dare I say
    NEUTER) member of the human race.

    But wait…there’s just one more thing to add. Let’s drop a “bomb”
    on this whole conversation.

    As you know, “strong character” is the cornerstone of the “Big

    Are you starting to feel how this whole “character” component is
    WAY, WAY larger than simply being honest and doing what you say
    you’ll do?

    After all, “integrity” means “wholeness”.

    That means that the more complex your self-awareness is, the DEEPER
    your character is.

    Simply put, the more you can be congruent ABOUT, the stronger your
    character will be in general.

    With that in mind, how excited are you NOW to go out and live your
    “vibe” to the fullest?

    Next time, we’re going to talk about the one component of this
    conversation that is MASSIVELY conspicuous by its absence. Have
    you guessed what it is?

    Be Good,

    Scot McKay

  359.  #359Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:05 am

    RE 356 Boomer Rori has an article about Are You a Sex Magnet or Man Magnet. You might wish to read that also to see if you can identify what you might be doing, if anything at all. It is just some guys MO and not necessarily about you. But also remember that we energetically attract our match.

  360.  #360Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:07 am

    RE 356 Boomer Article questioning whether we attract something we think about

  361.  #361Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Maybe it is my locale and age group, but I find that 1. Men are looking for love moreso than sex, 2. Men are looking more to the future while I am the one living in the present moment (with the exception of TN – the one who taught me to live in the moment – but he ain’t from around these parts).

  362.  #362Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:12 am

    RE 291 Jilly my understanding is that we should let guys know that we are keeping our options open. It shows selectivity that they find attractive and it takes the pressure off of them. But your repeating yourself about exclusivity can come across as a demand or harsh request. I have heard more than one coach teach “say it once”. As Lauren Frances says “three strikes and you are out” because of M(ale) A(ttention) D(eficit) D(isorder). CC says guys like to make a big deal about the proposal so when we keep demanding it we take away the romance and intrigue for them so now it is an obligation rather than something they want to do.

  363.  #363Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 9:14 am

    It might also be bc most of the men I date are Christians…

  364.  #364Mercedes on March 1, 2011 at 9:18 am

    Jean: re 321

    If you love flowers and you miss having flowers, I say go ahead and buy them for yourself. There’s no reason to tell him why you “had” to. There’s no reason for you to bring up flowers at all (because if you do, then yes…it’s about getting him to do something for you). If you miss flowers, you buy flowers and if he asks about them, you honestly say “I miss having flowers around so I bought some”.

    If what you really miss is having HIM buy you flowers (and it’s not so much the flowers you miss but more his action of giving them to you) then a feeling message is probably more appropriate. Someone else here will be better able to assist with that but if it were me, I’d probably just bring it up. “You know, I loved it when you used to buy me flowers. I miss that.” Then see what he says. There’s probably a good reason why he doesn’t (he can’t afford it as often or he didn’t know you appreciated it or he started feeling insecure about it, etc) and he’ll be able to explain or…he might just be inspired to buy them again. No way of knowing without bringing it up though if you ask me.

    I know J used to write me little notes and put them by the coffee in the morning when I spent the night at his house so I would see them when I left for work. One day it just stopped, I waited a bit it seemed the notes were gone for good, so I left HIM a love note by the coffee. Very next day I got a note. I think maybe I wasn’t giving back what I receive and he just stopped doing it (maybe didn’t feel appreciated)…I’m not sure, but by “bringing up” the notes again when I left one for him…well…I started getting notes again.

    Anyway, I think if you miss it, you need to bring it up…either by asking him about it, telling him you miss it or buying flowers for yourself.

    Much Love,

  365.  #365Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:19 am

    RE 322 Luzydel I guess you could even use this to your advantage then if this is what you believe. You could try leaning back and banter with them when the sex talk comes up. You know that is what they want so you don’t give it. When the talk comes up find out their values, tell them what your experience has been or other girlfriends experience has been. Reject them based on the pushiness for it. See how many keep standing next to you and how many leave. This is about testing their boundary strength and building your resolve.

  366.  #366Simply Shannon on March 1, 2011 at 9:21 am

    Ella, It feels weird to hear you talk about having The Talk with Mr. B. I’ve been in your shoes before and the only thing it will accomplish is pushing him further away and further into his addiction. (He already feels like crap, hence the addiction.)

    I was kidding myself by saying I wanted to help my addict. In reality I just wanted to unburden myself by telling him everything I knew so that I wouldn’t be feeling bad if he got hurt or died later. So that I could wash my hands of him so to speak.

    You can try it if you want of course. Just saying that your planned conversation is also an attempt to control and would feel emasculating and shaming to a man. (Do you really believe he doesn’t know all of this stuff?) Even if he is an addict, he deserves respect as a man. He’ll ask for help when he’s serious about it, and it won’t be his love interest that he asks.

    I feel kind of angry. I forgive myself for trying to control my addict. I had no clue what I was doing back then. I just didn’t want to feel bad. And I wanted him to feel worse than me!

    I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

  367.  #367Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:29 am

    ConfuzzledCookie Reading your email I remember Christian Carter saying women and contradictions. We complain that the guys don’t call but then we also hesitate to give our numbers. I think also David Wygant suggests that we should give out our number. I am attaching something from Wygant below

    I recently was coaching a woman who was TOTALLY frustrated with online dating.

    She had really had it!

    So when I suggested that she continue online dating as part of her efforts to meet someone, she REALLY looked at me like I was nuts.

    I knew EXACTLY what the problem was (and why she hated online dating so much), I mean, let me tell you something about my client (and you know I am pretty brutally honest about everything)…

    She is an amazing woman that TONS of guys would love to date!

    She’s very pretty, she’s smart and she has a great personality.

    So what was the problem?

    In a word (or two): SELF-SABOTAGE!!

    Let me explain.

    I asked her to show me her profile, and to make sure her four best pictures were on it.

    I asked her to do this because men are as visual as Scooby Doo on steroids, and the first thing they do when they see your profile online is NOT read about your trip to Italy last summer.

    They want to see how hot you are.

    Now, before I get any reactions to that statement, keep in mind that every man has different taste in women.

    What I find attractive, my friend may not find attractive at all. You want the men who find you hot!

    After she went me what I asked, I told her that she was making (I’m sorry to say) a number of the 16 biggest mistakes women make in online dating that sabotages them!

    I hate seeing that happen to so many women.

    So here are those 16 biggest mistakes so that you won’t self-sabotage yourself in online dating ever.

    Oh, just one thing about the list before I start…

    Some of these things may seem like I’m picking on women, but let me assure you — I am WELL aware that men make many of the same (and sometimes worse) mistakes online.

    So don’t worry — men hear it every bit as much as you do on this! 🙂


    Stop posting four different pictures from four different stages in your life. Women will put up pictures from ten years ago along with pictures that are current.

    This leaves a man wonder “Who is this person?”

    I’ve personally looked through thousands of online profiles, and the majority of women will put up pictures from different stages of their life but not put up current pictures.

    All pictures that you put on an online dating profile must be current!!!

    He’s going to find out what you look like when you meet, and there is no reason to lie about your looks.

    If you’re heavier than you were ten years ago, there’s nothing you can do to change that but diet.

    So don’t put on your profile a picture of you from ten years ago so that he will think that is what you look like.

    Be okay with where you are in your life.


    Put a picture of you standing up, so he can see what you look like from head to toe.

    Men are visual.

    If you put a picture up just of your face and you’re heavier down below, then you probably won’t get a second date after you meet if you’ve not stated that in your profile and/or you’ve described yourself as “fit and trim.”

    Men are attracted to all different body types.

    Some men like ’em skinny, some like ’em curvy, some like ’em chunky, some like ’em voluptuous.

    You are not every man’s type and you never will be (no woman is!)… so just be okay with it.


    Don’t list your dislikes about Internet dating in bold, capital letters at the beginning of your profile.

    We’ve all had negative experiences online.

    You don’t need to list them right away, which will make you come off sounding like a nasty bitter woman.

    It’s better in your profile to emphasize your positive points, not your negative ones.


    List your exact body type.

    It seems like on the Internet EVERYBODY is “athletic and toned”, “petite,” or “fit and trim.”

    He will find out what you look like!!

    You might as well tell the truth in your profile, so you’ll have a qualified lead and not waste somebody’s time.

    Once again, men are very visual.

    We would rather know what you look like so there’s no surprises.

    That’s part of understanding that men are attracted to all different body types.


    List your real age.

    In the world of Internet dating, it seems like there’s an abundance of 29 and 39 year-old women.

    “29” usually means somewhere in your 30’s.

    And a woman who is “39” is usually somewhere in her 40’s. I’ve seen many women list their age as 39, and then see their picture and realize they’re closer to 49.

    Why start a potential relationship on a lie.

    Men are guilty of the same thing, and I advise them the same way.

    So, I’m not taking the side of a man. I’m just saying it’s best to list your own age.


    Stop putting up pictures of yourself that have ex-boyfriends in them.

    Also, don’t put up pictures of yourself that are cut in half because you’ve cut out the head of a guy.

    Get a friend to take new pictures of you and those up . . . don’t put up the ones with you and ex-boyfriends in them.


    I’m really glad you had a great time on your vacation, but you don’t need to post ten pictures of your trip to Italy without you in them.

    This is a dating site . . . not a trip advisor.

    Also, stop posting pictures of you skydiving, winter skiing, water skiing, or doing anything else where we can’t see what you look like in the picture.

    Most men are looking at the pictures to decide whether or not we want to contact you.

    You have to learn how to market yourself to a man. Start with the pictures, body type and the age being correct . . . then we’ll get on to reading your profile.


    Keep your profile short and to the point.

    Make your paragraphs very short. I’ve seen too many women’s profiles that look like romance novels.

    Take a look at, and read an article in the sports section. All paragraphs are short so men can digest that information in short bursts.

    If you want him to read your profile, you need to write it so a man will read it.


    Don’t be so self-absorbed. I’ve seen so many women’s profiles that talk about “I want a man to be this,” “I want a man to do that,” “I want a man to cherish me” “I want a man to adore me,” and whatever other “I want . . . ” applies to you.

    You list all your “I wants” without listing what YOU will bring to the relationship.

    So you end up looking like you’re a taker and not a giver. No man wants to be with a taker…

    He wants to be with someone who’s equally willing to give and to receive.


    Don’t list your financial desires like you’re posting a want ad. I’ve seen too many women write In their profile “I’m looking for a man who will spoil me, buy me great things, and take me on great trips . . .”

    You come across as a gold digger.

    Now, maybe you are a gold digger . . . and maybe this is what you want and desire.

    But even a man who’s wealthy is not going to get turned on by this. So tone it down a little bit.

    Maybe say “I like the finer things in life to share with somebody” so you don’t come across so harsh.


    Baby Talk! Even if the number one priority in your life is to be a mother, nothing scares a man off more than if you write in your profile about how badly you want kids and how badly you want to have a family.

    He may feel the same way, but by writing this all he is going to think about is “This woman will marry anybody to have kids.”

    So once again write something a little more toned down like “Families are important to me, and I can’t wait to meet my special man so I can start a family.” This shows you’re selective, and not just looking for someone with whom to make a kid.


    Stop listing all your rules.

    Don’t write things like “A perfect first date MUST be dinner” or “The man I date HAS to wear suits.”

    Women tend to list rules in their profiles.

    Be open to a different kind of first date.

    Also, what about the kind of guy who wears jeans to work? I’m not making this stuff up. This is what I’ve seen Online.


    Stop sending winks.

    When is the last time you went to the grocery store, saw a cute guy and winked at him?

    Winks went out of style when “Happy Days” went off the air.

    You don’t like when men send you a wink. You think it makes him seem lazy and like he didn’t read your profile.

    We think the same thing!!

    So stop winking and start typing.


    If you write to a man and he doesn’t write you back, don’t write a nasty follow-up email and ask him why he didn’t write you back or say anything else that is not that nice.

    If a man doesn’t write you back, it’s the same thing as when you don’t write a man back.

    It means that he is not interested.

    Don’t get angry . . . just find another person.


    We know you’re looking at us, because we see that you’ve viewed our profile every day.

    Say “hello!” We’re not going to bite.

    Lob that email in.

    Take a chance and send an email to the guy to whom you’re most attracted.

    You never know what might happen!


    If a guy that you’re interested in writes to you, stop playing games and write him back right away.

    Don’t make him wait four days.

    He may find someone else in the time you wait to write him back. Don’t play games and keep the momentum going!

    I have found when online dating that if you’re honest about who you are, and you get back to people immediately, you’ll get the date faster and avoid all the back and forth games that go on.

    Now that we’ve gotten all these self-sabotaging things out in the open, go change that profile and go start ENJOYING yourself online!

  368.  #368Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:36 am

    RE 366 SS I have to agree with you. Especially since she has somewhat already communicated that she was done with him. Also reading David Wygant’s advice I guess he would be thinking “who cares about what you want? I want what I want regardless of what you say?” People do what they want to do and he is showing his addiction is important to him. Plus Dr. Paul Dobransky says that people who are addicted cannot commit. He compares them to the prairie bull.

  369.  #369Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 9:37 am

    FW, iinteresting exercise! when i got to the one about what i would do if i had one day in my seniior yt of highschool – Immediately i thought “i would lean forward and let the boy i’ve sat next to since kindergarten know that i like him and want to go out with him” Lol! He never got married and died of a heart attack in his late twenties. I loved him as a dear friend and we couldda been more but both were geeky and intoverted and too scared to say anything.

  370.  #370Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Lucy that is a sad story. I don’t believe in coincidences though.

  371.  #371Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:43 am

    From Arielle Ford – Host of Soulmate Summit

    Dear Soulmate Manifesters,

    Are you someone who feels certain that you can size up a man (or a woman) in 30 seconds and know whether or not they are your soulmate? Before I met Brian I would have said YES to this question. I was pretty confident that my intuitive skills were that good. Thank God I had other “signs from the Universe” to get my attention otherwise when I met Brian because I might have passed up the man of my dreams. Prior to meeting Brian my “type” was short and unattractive (it’s a long story). Brian is tall and handsome, not my “type so it’s possible that I might have spent the first 30 seconds we met thinking to myself, “he’s not the one.”

    Last week my dear friend and dating expert Carol Allen spoke at my one-day workshop and she shared with us that most people are WRONG when they trust their first impressions. Carol encourages all singles to stop pre-judging and give everyone “who doesn’t offend or disgust you” a fighting chance. Carol also reported some very enlightening information on the top three reasons men don’t call a woman for a second date:

    #1 They find you to be “too bossy.” (over-riding his suggestions and/or by giving unasked for advice.)

    #2 You appear to be high-maintenance (asking to change tables at a restaurant, grilling the server for every last ingredient in a dish, etc.)

    #3 Showing up as uninterested in him or your own life.

    Remember, first dates are for light-hearted fun and for getting to know someone. Give them and yourself an opportunity to shine. As Carol says, “don’t turn your date into a therapy session!”

    She also presented information on the top four ways people meet their marriage partners:

    It shouldn’t come as any surprise that the number one way to meet is through friends. Be sure to share your romantic goals with your nearest and dearest. The second most common way is meeting through groups and organizations. Become a joiner and a doer and seek out groups that share your hobbies, interests and passions. The third way is to meet your future husband or wife at work. (Brian and I met because his business partner was my client!) The fourth and possibly most surprising way people connect is though their neighborhood. If you are living in an area with a lot of singles you greatly increase your chances of connecting.

    Carol’s most important message about dating is this: Women, it’s absolutely ok to be the first one to speak. Be willing to start a conversation with a stranger. Talk to everyone. Be friendly and be open. Be a yes to life. It may sound simple but are you really doing this?

    This week think of three small steps you can take to improve your dating life. Is there a group you can join? A new coffee shop to visit instead of your old standby? Are you willing to ask your friends and family to be on the lookout for your future soulmate?

    If you could try one new activity, the one thing you’ve been meaning to do for a long time, what would it be and can you make it happen this week?

    Wishing you love, laughter & magical kisses,


    P.S. What is the single most important quality both men and women want in each other?

    CONFIDENCE! Both sexes find it very attractive and very sexy.

  372.  #372Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 9:53 am

    wow, FW, thx for that self-sabotage list! According to that, I am doing everything right! woohoo! Men have remarked that my profile is refreshingly short and unique. The only thing there i don’t do often is make first contact. sometimes, but usually i just let him see i viewed him a few times… and then he writes me and feels intrigued about why i’m checking him out but not sayin anything to him… 😉

  373.  #373Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 9:55 am

    Words from a coach
    Even the strongest connection cannot grow into a healthy relationship without trust. And trust is a tricky thing to learn how to master, especially because it’s not always about just having faith in the other person’s intentions.

    I think a huge component of trust is having enough confidence in yourself to BELIEVE that you DESERVE to be treated well and to be loved unconditionally.

  374.  #374Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 9:58 am

    my big tip for fb dating/flirting: BE CURIOUS! Read what friends of friends of friends write and if it sparks your interest, jump into the convo! Ppl love hearing new voices, seeing new faces – and if they like your style and pov, they friend-request you. It’s especially effective if your sense of humor flows naturally in your comments. And authentic RR FM’s in the midst of a political discussion really make a man sit up and take notice. 🙂

  375.  #375Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 10:00 am


    ‘Also reading David Wygant’s advice I guess he would be thinking “who cares about what you want? I want what I want regardless of what you say?”’

    Yeah, I’m really not a fan of David Wygant;) I find him arrogant, opinionated and just ‘not getting it’ when it comes to love. He is around 47 and never married, correct? I hope my future boyfriend won’t be taking his dating advice, although I know he is very popular. I agree with most of his online dating advises. But that is just not enough, as of being smart and using common sense in your profile won’t bring you love. You have to be willing to love and accept the other person and I feel that he is just not getting it;P

  376.  #376Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Boomer – about sex talk – I usually listen to my gut and pick up the guy’s vibe. If it feels good and safe, I run with it. If it feels icky and uncomfortable, I turn away from it. Two guys could be saying the exact same things, but I feel a difference in their vibes. Does that help at all?

  377.  #377Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 10:12 am

    RE 376 Lucy I believe that is great advice. We have to learn to trust ourselves is what Rori teaches. Seems like you are grounded.

  378.  #378Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 10:21 am

    Boomer this is the excerpt I spoke about from Lori. By the way Lori how has things been going?

    “He walked me to my car and I stuck out my hand to shake his hand and said “Thank you for the drink. I enjoyed meeting you.” he took my hand and said “I wish you didn’t have to go. Are you sure I can’t take you to dinner and then maybe back to my place for some wine in my hot tub?” I said “No thanks, I really need to go now, but I’m free Thursday.” He pulled me in by my hand tried to kiss me and I turned my head away and said “oh, I don’t kiss people who are just friends. My heart and my body are a package deal. I’ve tried to separate them, but they love each other too much. And they love me too much to leave me unless it’s in exchange for a man’s heart.” I didn’t even expect that to come out of my mouth and it felt and sounded real and authentic when it did, not corny like it looks like written down here. LOL

    I smiled really big at him and got in my car. He was just standing there with his mouth open like he didn’t know what to think. I completely let go of the outcome and drove off.

    This morning when I woke up, I had 2 missed calls and messages from him, one from last night just after I fell asleep and one from this morning before I woke up. He wanted to make sure I was still free on Thursday so he can take me out for a really nice dinner, and he promised if I’d go out with him that he’d be on his best behavior. : )”

  379.  #379Boomer on March 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

    376 Lucy. Yeah, with this guy (AlphaMale), the sex talk is paired well with thoughtfulness and honesty. It’s not gratuitous, and he later said that he is looking for the great sex that comes with connection. I believe him.

    The issue is mainly mine, because I have had such a weird run with rushing into sex and allowing it in some cases. And then ***POOF** they’re gone. And I admit, I even “went there” with some men I did not really feel strongly about just for the recreational aspect of it…knowing I may not hear from them and not really caring. And that’s me being honest with myself. I was less disappointed to not hear from them as I was in myself for making a disappointing choice. I have “forgiven” myself and I understand why I did it (boredom, horniness, frustration, rebellion).

    I just want to do it differently now. I want to wait. So I put some of that on this guy. But he IS fairly aggressive–which I do like when the time is right. I am giving him positive feedback and being playful. It seems to be working.

    If he were not balancing it with thoughtfulness and sincerity and great conversation about other topics, yeah, you’re right….I would be creeped out.

  380.  #380Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 10:29 am

    Boomer this comment “just for the recreational aspect of it…knowing I may not hear from them and not really caring” triggered a memory from another coach who says that men do sex as a “sport” but they know women can’t. It is one reason they disappear to avoid the emotional drama after. It had something to do with their maturity level and timing. My understanding is that if you give them the indication that you are okay with sex as a sport you come off as inauthentic to them as their experience with other women show otherwise. You know the thing about putting our experiences through our filters. Carol Allen talks about them sowing their wild oats, especially in younger years.

    Also if you did not feel strongly about the guy I would recommend assuming that came across in your vibe, so he disappeared.

    It sounds to me like you might need to set an intention for what you want and make a full out commitment to it.

  381.  #381Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Boomer playfulness also translates into sexy for guys. So could it be that you might be “trying too hard”? That comes across too.

  382.  #382Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Boomer, I feel happy reading your response – sounds like you’re in tune with yourself and communicating that to him – brava! I would maybe want to explore the “they leave after sex” pattern – is it abandonment fears from childhood? Maybe just ask God/universe, “Hey, what’s up with that?” then leave it alone and be surprised when the answer appears in your world/experience. My 2 cents. 🙂

  383.  #383Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 10:41 am

    “Emotions fuel you, they heal you, and your emotions move OTHERS.” I guess now I understand the concept of energy in motion. It moves others, in one way or another, good or bad.

    “Meaning – the quality of your emotion, and the way in which you express your emotions is directly how you get more love in your life.” I guess also this explains Christian Carter’s communication is “the response you get”. As such we have to take 100% responsibility for what we create in our lives. It is nobody’s fault, we get to choose our words.

  384.  #384Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 10:43 am

    I am feeling so excited about the possibilities in my life. I love life.

  385.  #385Violet on March 1, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Re @ 11: Femininewoman,

    I noticed all of a sudden getting ‘cheerful’, start trying to make things “okay” in my mind, AND move toward ‘W’ to touch, talk in an effort to make the “bad” feelings go away.

    It’s been two months with us dating monagamously. I’m here to tell you that I put everything to a screeching halt as of yesterday by breaking things off with him.

    We had agreed to take things one day at a time and to see where things would go. They haven’t gone anywhere. I said that I wasn’t making any promises, however, would do the best I could on my end.

    Problem with that? I feel like I’ve done all the giving and little of the getting.

    I laid it out flat and told him that I feel like I’m ‘just filling a space’. He said, “I really, really like you but I’m not ready to let my feelings go all crazy because I’ve been hurt too many times.”

    I said, “okay”, “I’m going to take a break”, “take it easy”. I called back in a bit and said that I was moving on. I also thanked him for everything and said that I wasn’t going to have any hard feelings.

    This is the second time I’ve done this. The first time I figured he was entitled to his feelings. (make things ‘okay’ in my mind). Now, after two months of giving out positive energy; I’m done.

    I deserve better than sticking around someone who won’t allow himself to open up. I ‘know’ that I’d be compromising my own happiness while hoping that ‘W’ would wake up and smell the Petunias.

    I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met ‘W’ and I won’t be looking for one now.

    Things happen for a reason. I learned that I’m worth having. I embrace and love myself for who I am. I deserve happiness.

    What is my next step? I’m going to do what I love best and go out dancing Saturday and maybe Sunday, too!

    You all take it easy and stay cool. Thank you for reading this and for your feedback,

    ~ Violet ~

  386.  #386Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Oh, oh, oh, oh,oh. I was reading EMK blog and saw a man write: “I feel she is…” EWWWWwwwww!

    Instant turn-off. Run!


  387.  #387Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 10:55 am

    I feel frustrated by fb college guy not pinning down a meeting. Several “almosts” have occurred, and he flirts with me so freely and sweetly. My d thinks he’s afraid I’m just playing and will reject him. She says I’m like Summer in that movie “500 Days of Summer.” Maybe he knows my heartbreaker reputation from college as well. 🙁 Don’t know what else I can do. She might be right – but I’d like a chance to try him out. Maybe he’s the one, against the odds.

  388.  #388Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 10:59 am

    In my humble opinion this statement “wasn’t looking for a relationship when I met ‘W’ and I won’t be looking for one now.” is very telling. You started out with him not wanting anything so I assume that your heart was closed. Remember guys can only heal through our hearts. Your relationship might have started with your heart closed and you might need to work on opening your heart up now. I know you suggested that it is open by saying ” I embrace and love myself for who I am. I deserve happiness” but I guarantee you that you can find areas where you don’t, if you really explore that.

    You might have felt like you needed to end it but I would suggest that you stay open to starting afresh on a new slate. After you heal you might find that you want to go back. If the relationship was otherwise good I would reserve that for myself but you have to understand that he might have already moved on. You broke it off, so he might see you as the leader in the relationship. As such he might not try to make amends, especially if you were strong. I will admit that your vibe comes across as strong. Reading what you wrote though and in the context of RR work I believe you could have just leaned back to zero and give him the chance to give love to you. Two months is not enough time in “man time” to assume you have a full fledged relationship that he would be sharing all of himself is what I would assume, particularly in the backdrop of you not wanting a relationship when you started. It also seems odd that you would be giving so much in light of the fact that you did not want a relationship, it seems like mixed messages. What do you think?

  389.  #389Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Violet the other question that came to mind was, were you giving to get back? The statement “Now, after two months of giving out positive energy; I’m done” suggests that.

    Your choice of words suggest masculine strong energy to me, I might be wrong. They are “screeching halt ” laid it out flat” ” deserve better”. It feels harsh and demanding to me, not the soft feminine energy that draw men in. You also did not share the feeling messages that you might have used during the conversation and you broke it off over the phone. Put yourself in his shoes and see how you would feel. I might be wrong but I think you would want to defend yourself. He is a man and has an ego, I imagine that might have been bruised and his masculinity diminished. I believe he will be afraid to start an emotionally open relationship any time soon.

  390.  #390kaitlyn on March 1, 2011 at 11:11 am

    My guy/ex guy (ok let’s call him Adam) finally made some kinda contact 2 days ago. He put LIKE on my FB status update. LONEPLUM suggested I wait a few days to see if he initiates further- if not, just put LIKE on his status update (if what I’m LIKE-ing is authenticly interesting to me, of course.)

    He didn’t initiate further, so just now I put LIKE on not his most recent update, but his update from 48 hrs ago because it was the only recent one I could be authentic about. Most of his status updates are music clips are references to obscure movies. And seriously, they even beyond my scope. I LIKED the one band clip I knew (and digged).

    Hope he sees it and we escalate attraction and trust again. I miss him.

    Sidenote: he removed his only 2 personal pics of himself. Sad I never saved them.

  391.  #391kaitlyn on March 1, 2011 at 11:21 am

    I’ve been feeling great about my life lately. As in ‘my life rocks!’ Today I feel so much anxiety about his upcoming response to my LIKE. I’m crying now.

    Also, anyone else feel triggered reading CC’s stuff. I used to dig him, but now I just feel like he blames women for everything.

  392.  #392Elizabeth B. on March 1, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Hey ladies. First time posting… and I feel uncomfortable, sad, lonely… etc. I think I’m growing, but if feels too slow. I want to see results. I like action. I think I’m addicted to action and response. Giving it up… allowing the feminine feels wrong. How does one cope with the waiting? The inaction?

  393.  #393Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 11:27 am

    @392: Elizabeth B. says:
    “…How does one cope with the waiting? The inaction?…”

    I suggest not to wait or become inactive. Instead, get busy making yourself happy.


  394.  #394Lucy on March 1, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Hi Elisabeth. I pace a lot. 😉 It’s good exercise. We just have to be busy living our lives, not waiting around for a man to fill us up. <3

  395.  #395Tmizz on March 1, 2011 at 11:29 am

    This is apropos of nothing on this post, but an interesting article I just read that I wanted to share.

    See especially paragraph 2! 🙂

  396.  #396Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 11:30 am

    I feel like the cat with the green paws.

  397.  #397Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 11:32 am

    @395: Tmizz
    OK. Is it about dating?


  398.  #398Elizabeth B. on March 1, 2011 at 11:40 am

    Well I get that I should be focusing on myself on my life… on being happy with myself. It’s just… I feel more sad when I do. More lonely. Why? I spent yesterday being happy, productive… taking care of myself… and today I feel like crap. I cried at my belly dance class I felt inadequate so deeply. I left class and just went outside and cried, because I couldn’t keep up. I feel like every woman in the world is better at EVERYTHING than I am. Better at dancing… better at being… better at flirting…. just better…. preferred… etc.

  399.  #399Brenda on March 1, 2011 at 11:44 am


    RE: #392 – Welcome! I find the waiting and inactivity frustrating, too. In short, what I am learning to do it ME! That is, to focus on MY Purpose On the Planet (P.O.P.), and to work from a “Like List”, focusing on doing things I enjoy, such as painting, reading, swimming.

    Like Rori says, Circular Dating is the solution to almost everything. When we are busy dating 3 or 5 men, we don’t have time to get hyper-focused on one single man.

    For me, that is hard right now. I don’t have money for a paid dating site, and I find little interest from men because I am extra-buttery right now. So I am choosing to just focus on doing me.

    I hope this helps!

  400.  #400Brenda on March 1, 2011 at 11:46 am


    RE: #396 – Ok, I’ll bite: what’s the cat with the green paws?

    I was reading a book with my Mom last night, “Sour Puss”. It’s written by a woman who rescues cats, and the characters are cats who converse about the lives of their humans. It was really cute.

  401.  #401Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 11:52 am

    Elizabeth ” feel like every woman in the world is better at EVERYTHING than I am” is what I think you need to working on now.

    What I did was spend time in my bathroom talking to myself. Telling myself I love you, everybody loves, I am all that, I am worthy. Remember feelings move and they morph. Your emotions also drive your behavior. It might also help to think that there are more unfortunate people out there than you. Someone recently realized that her son’s health was more important to her than getting a life with a man because he is experiencing health challenges. Is there anything that you might be able to volunteer to? A dog shelter, a food pantry, anything that could get you helping someone less fortunate? That can really help your self-esteem.

  402.  #402Brenda on March 1, 2011 at 11:54 am


    RE: #398 – Trust me, you are better at bellydance than me! LOL! 😆 I took it a few years ago, and I looked like a bull in a china cabinet at my size! The instructor was very compassionate and had me stand right next to her, so I could more easily focus on her movements. I have very few dance skills.

    Even tho I felt self-conscious, you know what? I was learning. And what you will hear Rori say over and over is “baby steps”. You could watch YouTube videos on belly dance to be practicing in your mind between classes. That is a baby step.

    I can relate, because I am behind compared to most people my age. At 47, I have no children, and I was married for 3 years to a man in prison, who I’ve never slept with and never known outside of prison. I weigh twice what I should, and I’m unemployed, deeply in debt with student loans, and struggling with depression.

    I feel discouraged at times, yet I just keep trying, and I try to only compare myself to myself. The truth is I am further along than I was a year ago, or two years ago. I am progressing…in baby steps.

    Each of us has our burden to bear. One on here has a fiance who has terminal cancer. One came out of a bad marriage and is re-finding her identity. I think the right approach is the play the hand I was dealt. I have to start where I am, today.

    I can’t wear a size 12 tomorrow, or be debt-free, and I can’t be a wife and a mother tomorrow, but I can take baby steps today toward those goals. So with that, I am going to clean out the cat litter boxes, take a shower, and go see about getting a financial hardship membership at the YMCA today.

    Baby steps.

  403.  #403Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 11:55 am

    398: Elizabeth B. says:
    “…feel like every woman in the world is better at EVERYTHING than I am. Better at dancing… better at being… better at flirting…. just better…. preferred… etc…”

    We all feel a little sad sometimes and those things you mentioned are just ideas that pop into your head; they probably are not true.

    Maybe try spending some time alone with yourself for a few hours. Take a walk, buy a new lipstick or shampoo, treat yourself to a magazine, try a different coffee shop, visit a museum, that sort of thing.

    You can also check out some online dating sites just to verify to yourself that there are lots of men out there.


  404.  #404Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 11:55 am

    kaitlyn Truthfully I used to feel triggered by CC but I kept reading and found he eventually started sharing some nuggents that really resonate with me. As it relates to blaiming us women, the way I change it in my mind is that emotions are contagious, so what ever we give off we get back. I also changed my victim mindset to a creator mindset and believe that I can create whatever I want in my life. Not yet fully successful but I am open to experimenting to see what happens. I will die believing, despair is not an option for me because I no longer find it appealing.

  405.  #405Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 11:57 am

    RE 403 You know SLV and Elizabeth the other thing is that every woman feels that way at some time or another. So if they are feeling that way and I am feeling that way what gives them a one-up over me? IMHO, nothing. We are all on a level playing field.

  406.  #406Brenda on March 1, 2011 at 11:58 am

    (((Fem Woman))),

    RE: #401 – I love you! Everybody loves you! You are all that! You are worthy!

    Love, Brenda

  407.  #407Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 11:59 am

    RE 402 Brenda you are such a sweetheart. You really made my day. Isn’t it a blessing when we can laugh at ourselves.

  408.  #408Simply Shannon on March 1, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    Elizabeth – Everything? Really? You’re not better than someone at ONE thing? 😉 But seriously, your brain knows that’s a lie. YOU know that’s a lie. Right? List at least one thing you are better at that someone else. And then go do that one thing believing you do it well.

    Maybe you cook better or laugh better or shop better or whatever better than at least one person on the planet.

    I guarantee you sing better than me. So maybe you sing in the car today, as loud as you can, thinking I sing better than Shannon.

    And I stink at belly dancing. It’s super irony that you posted about that because I’m going to sign up for classes. So right now you are a better belly dancer than me. That might not be so in about a month, so do your dancing now sista!

    This too shall pass…

  409.  #409Ella on March 1, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    Simply Shannon & anyone else who can help,

    Re 366

    SS – please will you work with me on this because I really don’t know what I am doing.

    Help, I feel so confused.

    I am completely out of my depth.

    I am sitting here crying cus I feel so awful. I have not spoken to him yet and just saw Simply Shannon’s post.

    I am sure I am being naieve here but surely he can’t know this stuff, or he would stop? I am sure he doesn’t think any of it applies to him (ie the liver disease etc). Surely if he made this connection he would stop? I would not keep doing something if it was pretty much guarenteed that I was going to get ill and die or end up in an institution, so he just thinks that his problem won’t lead to this.

    I wanted him to see what I see which is that is not true. His problem will lead to this unless he stops it.

    I think it is CC that talks about ‘telling stories to men to paint pictures in their head. He uses it in a different context but I thought that if I spoke to him then some of it might sink in one day.

    I can’t bear the thought of him in pain and dieing from his addiction in how ever many years and looking back and thinking ‘why didn’t anyone care enough to just be honest with me?’

    I thought I was being honest and upfront and speaking the truth which people tend to avoid doing with addicts I thought.

    I thought I was dropping trying to control him bc this was about walking away NOT trying to stay with him and make him give up.

    I feel so confused.

    Part of me does want to wash my hands of him because it is too painful to be with him.

    But I am not trying to control him (well not consciously anyway). Maybe I am trying to control the situation. Is this the same thing?

    But I have tried just staying open to him whilst CD-ing and that doesn’t work either. I just get pulled right back in.

    Also I feel confused because this type of intervention seems to help people on talk show tv (like Jeremy Kyle) when loved ones say how they feel and the host gives facts to the addict, who is usually in denial. Is this a myth?

    WTF am I meant to do with this? Just walk away without another word… that sure doesn’t feel caring either.

    Arghhh I feel so helpless. This hurts so much.

    I don’t know what to do.

  410.  #410Simply Shannon on March 1, 2011 at 12:06 pm

    Oh and Elizabeth, one more thing… crying is an action. It’s a release of healing powers (literally – healing properties in tears). Crying last night was a sign that you ARE growing and releasing old junk and being vulnerable. You were doing it and you didn’t even know it.

    Now you know. (((HUGS)))

  411.  #411Ella on March 1, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    I can’t be with him anymore because I need to take care of me.

    I don’t want to put myself in Brenda’s situation where she was with him and he died. I can’t put myself through that. I am not strong enough and that would be sacrificing my life to his addiction as well as his.

    Please help me with this I don’t know what I am doing.

  412.  #412Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    SS and Elizabeth I have been debating about belly dancing classes because I can’t even imagine myself doing it in public so Elizabeth has more nerve than I do. I did roller blading last year but still don’t have it down pat as yet.

  413.  #413Ella on March 1, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    @ me

    “SS – please will you work with me on this because I really don’t know what I am doing.”

    Sorry there was meant to be a ‘?’ on the end of this sentence.


  414.  #414Senior Lady Vibe on March 1, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    @ 399 Brenda says:
    “… I don’t have money for a paid dating site, and I find little interest from men because I am extra-buttery right now…”

    I’m extra-buttery too. After I watched the Oscars i started to think of myself as “Movie-style extra-buttery.”

    I was hoping to get your input from those two free dating sites i ran across when I posted the best free dating sites poll. You are the expert and I don’t recall anyone on the blog talking about them. Here it is again:

    The best free dating site is:
    (17) 13%
    (69) 53%
    (22) 17%
    (21) 16%
    Total Votes: 129

    @400: Brenda says:

    “…RE: #396 – Ok, I’ll bite: what’s the cat with the green paws?…”

    That’s just me being playful every time I “back to home” to the top of the page and see the “feel” word. 😀

    Let me know about those two sites at the top of the poll. They are at the top for free dating sites and I’ve never heard of them! ….which doesn’t say much. Could you explore and scout them for us?


  415.  #415Prairie Girl on March 1, 2011 at 12:13 pm


    LMCowboy called at 11p last night..sounding wasted.. He doesn’t drink often so I don’t think he was drunk.. he was exhausted… couldn’t keep his eyes open.. sad.. maybe crying..Said he told the other woman he couldn’t see her (she was getting attached and he’s not) he doesn’t want to hurt her.. but said she’s hurting and it crushes him… He so hates hurting anyone, yet is such a broken hearted soul himself at the moment…

    My blog was very much about my NV and how I’m trying to love them and the blessings/gifts Cowboy has given me by loving my words and heart..

    He’s not coming on Fri but wants a rain check..he’s gotta go move his brother early Sat am (in a town neither of us live in) who’s in a messy divorce…

    This is the comment he left on my blog… I cried…Oh I call my blog notes on a tumbleweed like the Sam Elliot movie where the lonely widow ties notes to tumbleweeds and cowboys find them out on the prairie…

    “my precious tumbleweed messenger… how can one not melt when your pretty lips move? How can one not just want to relax in the sounds of your words when you speak? Your a gifted soul. And your words are like medicine. such a comfort. Nasty voices are mostly lies, and are born in fear. Things that are produced from fear are not Godly…as fear does not come from Him. close your eyes, and and feel my breath as I whisper into your ear …comforting words, and I hope your smiles return today. Like that flower blooming beside the deadwood…. Have a perfect day. kiss. ”

    he’s a tortured soul, but dang he moves me…

  416.  #416Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Ella are you his therapist? Why do you feel telling him anything will help him? He is a grown man and should be now know where to seek help? Also isn’t there any mutual friend you could share your heart with that could talk to him instead?

  417.  #417Ella on March 1, 2011 at 12:18 pm


    Thank you for your posts before.

    I have been to Al-anon in the past, and it did help me a lot. I was with an alcoholic then.

    I was kinda trying to avoid that route a bit this time bc my idea was to separate from Mr B instead, and I didn’t really want to give anymore energy to the problem.

    Plus practically I have a lot going on in my life and don’t really need another weekly think to go to…

    But it is always an option.

    The other thing about Al-anon is that it doesn’t have a very high success rate in actually having any affect on the drinker or addict. And I know that is bc it is about the co-dependant person NOT the addict and that it is about NOT trying to control the addict.

    However I just feel a bit helpless with Al-anon.

    I explored alternatives and found CRAFT. Which actually has some success at getting the addict sober.

    But, then my idea was just to leave this situation. Because I am important too. And I don’t want to spend my life with an addict.

    But I wanted to talk to him so he understood instead of just dropping him cold.

    Now I feel unsure.

    I don’t know what to do.


  418.  #418Femininewoman on March 1, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    PG Carol Allen says that some men are afflicted. He sounds beautiful but might not have the will or the grace to move forward in a relationship.

  419.  #419Alonka on March 1, 2011 at 12:20 pm


    I feel triggered by CC in a sense that I feel that he is trying to promote his stuff by making you feel bad and then promising the cure.. His advice is most often not useful to me as I believe I am not the girl who makes the mistakes he mentions (in his every newsletter over and over again haha). At first I did read his emails but now I mostly delete them. Among CC, EMK and Rori I can relate to Rori’s examples/logic the most and that is a lot a lot more then EMK and CC. I feel that EMK is trying to motivate a lot and I personally don’t have a problem with motivation. CC is trying to put me down I feel and I am not all that bad;P) Rori gives me an advice that I can relate to and use. Apologies, I did not mean to sound disrespectfully to anyone;)

    Why don’t you wait and think that 48 hours is nothing really? Is it even 48 hours yet? Be patient please, his is coming around, so let him;P)

  420.  #420Ella on March 1, 2011 at 12:22 pm


    No, I am not his therapist. He doesn’t have one.

    I don’t know why I think telling him anything will help. Except for that I just don’t think he has made the connection between the bad consequences and his own situation.

    No, I can’t think of anyone. I spoke to one mutual friend but she is out of the country right now and she didn’t offer to talk to him.

    Is this stuff so much worse coming from me than someone else?

    I don’t understand!

  421.  #421Prairie Girl on March 1, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    FW I am trying to be open to God….If God could drop someone this sweet from the sky then whoever he brings next will be even better… This is what I try and convince myself…

  422.  #422Simply Shannon on March 1, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    Ella, I’m sorry!!! (((HUGS))) I don’t want you to feel bad. This IS a difficult situation. I’ve been there. I know how hard it is.

    And yet the addict has to choose what he’s willing to do for himself. People have told me forever how I’m killing myself with every cigarette. I see it in ads all over the TV/news/internet. My parents, my family, guys I’ve dated saying it’s nasty (but staying with me anyway). But it wasn’t until I decided I wanted to quit that I quit.

    You will not be wrong no matter what you do here. You could tell him these things. Just be honest with yourself and go in knowing that it may not matter. What you say to him may not be enough or it may not be the right time for him to make this decision or he simply may not be at a point that it matters to him. If you’re going to put yourself out there like this, then you need to know he may tell you to eff off and changing nothing about himself.

    If I were in your shoes, I would get busy living my life. If he contacts me wanting to see me, I’d simply say “I’d love to see you if I knew you were clean. Are you clean and sober?” If he answers yes, then go if you want. If he answers no, then repeat the first line.

    Or maybe the truth for you right now is “I feel uncomfortable seeing you right now. I would like 6 months of no contact, then I’ll see what I feel.”

    I just wouldn’t go to him looking to convince him he has a problem for him. It is way more effective to tell him you won’t see him until he’s clean. All the other words are just fluff. Nobody really cares about their liver. It’s the not wanting to die part so that we can spend time with the people we love part that comes. It all boils down to that. Ya know?

    So that was a brain dump of thoughts sprinkled with a few feelings. Any of that resonate?

  423.  #423Tmizz on March 1, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    re: SLV #397

    Yes, it is about dating! Specifically, the article talks about the apparent trend for young men to be having more and more sexual relationships with women, but without the commitment.

    In the second paragraph, they talk about how some of this has to do with women taking “less control” of their relationships. I.e. they don’t require commitment, so there is less wooing, less romance and less marrying ultimately happening.

    I think it’s relevant to the blog because, even though we talk about feelings and how to be more comfortable with ourselves and a man – the result we are looking for, especially with Circular Dating, is that we give up “control” of a man, but we TAKE BACK control of the relationship and get him to “step up” if he really wants us.

    So I think Rori is really onto something!

    It’s a very interesting article, if you don’t mind reading social commentary 🙂

  424.  #424Tmizz on March 1, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Here is the link again:

  425.  #425Simply Shannon on March 1, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Or maybe what you tell him will be the seed that gets planted and he’ll start his road to recovery. I honestly don’t know. I just see you twisted up in this (responsibility/pressure), and it feels awful to see. I want you free of the outcome. Talk or don’t talk. Just be free of the outcome. No matter what you’re golden.

  426.  #426Ella on March 1, 2011 at 12:38 pm


    It resonates a lot.

    The issue recently has been him contacting me and asking to see me.

    Me asking if he is clean.
    Him saying yes.
    Me meeting him and then realising/feeling that he is lieing to me and he is still not clean.

    I DO want to see him IF he was clean.

    But he lies.