Do You Need To “Fix” Everything?

Untitled design (14)

connect with manI was asked about obsession.

Obsession and fear. Where it comes from, what my client should do to heal it, what can she do to fix it.

Why the same “sick” feeling washes over her whenever a pretty woman shows up in life, on TV, in the movies, on computer.

Whenever her man is anywhere near another woman in work, in daily chores, on TV, on computer, in the movies.

Whenever she sees any other woman and thinks of her man seeing this woman.

Why the pervasive feeling of “not being enough” shows up at the slightest trigger.

Why, after all the work she’s done…it hasn’t just “gone away.”

And the question: What more can she do to fix it?

Well – here’s what I think…

…our feelings and responses and sensations come from all kinds of places – and with all our knowledge around psychology and belief systems and our physical systems, these are still very much mysterious places.

Sometimes we want to “fix” them, sometimes we don’t feel the need to.

Lots of techniques for “fixing” – which I’ve created my Tools for.

And…what ABOUT the “Why?”

I don’t think the why is all that important. Or where what’s happening came from.

I just call it “trauma,” and the desire to “re-do” old things that happened unpleasantly and unsatisfactorily, and “cellular memory.”

I know, for instance – that I create pain and tension and stiffness and even fear in my own body from the trauma, guilt, punishment issues I still have buried…and what feels best for me is to just go about working with them in present time.

Healing is healing. Fear is fear. What’s to be fixed?

You are in charge of you and your healing – and I say try everything, explore, and teach what you learn.

Tension is your clue, the feeling of “release” is the healing.

“Fixing” is just a word that talks about some “result” we think we want. Something we picture. Something we’ve thought out and written down.

But healing is a process – we never know what the “end” of healing will look like.

We never know where we are in the process.

Fixing is about relieving pain. Healing may require some experiencing of pain.

Fixing is perhaps not what we really  need, and it may not even be healing.

Perhaps fear and obsession are just clues to healing, and don’t really  need “fixing.”

When I want to “fix’ something – it feels like I want to “stop” something that’s going wrong for me. Perhaps a better word for me would be “adjust.” or “tweak.” This way I stay in the process instead of trying to follow instructions to get me to an end point.

Basic truth for me is this:  If whatever’s going on in my system has created what now needs “fixing,” my brain, and my system as it is now, are not going to necessarily do such a great job getting me “fixed.”

There has to be a sidestep, here.

And I’m going to just call this – “release.” If I can just – if we can just – if you can just – allow yourself to feel pain only as a clue, and then just go toward releasing your hold on that pain and your focus on that pain as something to be “fixed” – the process of healing can begin.

The moment you stop looking at yourself as “broken,” or “wounded,” or “the blame-taker or blame giver” – the sooner you can fall into the process of healing and experience what occurs.

Experiment and explore the possibilities of accepting it all and trying something new whenever an idea comes to you.

See what feels good. Make peace with what feels bad. Own it all as your life enfolding and unfolding and unraveling and evolving. All of it.

Love, Rori

Posted in

977 Comments

  1.  #1Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Deeeeep stuff, Rori! Thank you for the new article!

    Sidestep, release, let go instead of fix, adjust, tweak.

    Thank you very much!



  2.  #2Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Right now I want to fix my relationship with Ryan. I want to fix Ryan. I want to fix my lack of organization.

    Fix, fix, fix, fix, fix!!! Affix, anchor, attach, bind, catch, cement, congeal, connect, consolidate, couple, embed, entrench, fasten, freeze to, glue, graft, harden, implant, inculcate, infix, ingrain, install, instill, link, locate, lodge, moor, nail down, pin, place, plant, position, rigidify, rivet, root, secure, set, settle, solidify, stabilize, stay put, steady, stick, stiffen, thicken, tie…..

    SIDESTEP! dodge, avoid, bypass, dance around, ditch, duck, elude, escape, evade, fudge, get around, get out of, give the slip, go around, juke, pussyfoot, put the move on, shake, shake off, shirk, skip out on, skirt, weasel

    RELEASE! Let go, let out, absolve, acquit, bail out, cast loose, clear, commute, deliver, discharge, disengage, dispense, drop, emancipate, exculpate, excuse, exempt, exonerate, extricate, free, give off, give out, go easy on, issue, leak, let off, let off steam, let up on, liberate, loose, loosen, manumit, open up, set at large, set free, set loose, spring, surrender, take out, turn loose, turn out, unbind, unchain, undo, unfasten, unfetter, unleash, unloose, unshackle, untie, vent, wipe slate clean, yield

    Howowowowowowowowouch!?!?

    Too ouchy inside. Hummmm….Where’s the ouch extractor?? Hmmm, it strangely takes the shape of a penis!!



  3.  #3tinque on January 28, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Brenda means more to heal, and there’s always more. It gets better and easier as you’ve seen, felt.

    Penis is good though, really, really good.

    xxoo



  4.  #4Femininewoman on January 28, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    This reminds me of the spider monkey. Have to go review that information.



  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Hello world, I am thankful for today, I am thankful for this week’s opportunity to “adjust perspective.”

    I am looking forward to the weekend when I will continue what I have started this week.

    Riff to “he-who-knows-his name”

    I am well seated and I will be staying on my horse. This weekend is mine. Mine! All mine!!!

    How dare you
    you little sneak!

    Try? What is “try?”

    There is no “try.” There is only “DO!!”
    Got that? “DO!!!”

    I think Yoda said that. I’m saying it too.

    Sorry, folks… I’m not erasing this one…

    SLV



  6.  #6Jacqueline on January 28, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    If your brain’s created the need for the “fix” gotta sidestep the brain…very insightful, Ms. Rori!!

    And Hi, Tinque! haven’t caught up with you in awhile – I hope and know you are good…

    Everyone, happy weekend, happy Friday, happy Birthday and happy sleeping…

    Love the gift wrapping idea, SLV…

    and hey, I’m not really complaining because often my everyday life seems full of gifts – what do you get someone who has everything??

    well, metaphysically at least.

    Waves goodnite,
    J



  7.  #7Jacqueline on January 28, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    SLV – est training has a huge amount of things to say about trying vs. doing…good for you – sounds like you feel like galloping, too! Hang on……enjoy the ride!



  8.  #8Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Ouch is right, Brenda. Blech….I’m starting to hate Friday nights. I need to get out of the house. I was so tempted to send a, “I have a weird feeling in my stomach. Like there is something unsaid. Like something is happening between us that I am unaware of. What do you think? Just curious.”

    But, I know, even though all that is true…I am in lean-back mode and if I reach out to him, that could be it.

    I feel angry that the only communication that I got from him this week was a 7 AM “Great sunrise” text…that woke me up after only 4 hours of sleep. I appreciated the sentiment because I love sunrises, but I want more.

    I have this desire to drive by his house to see if there is a new woman’s car in the driveway. Tempted, but not going to do that to myself….if yes, I’ll be sad. If no, I’ll still be confused. It won’t help anything.

    Where did my kind, attentive, thoughtful guy go?!!! ARGH!!! I’m just trying to keep it together so that if he does ever contact me again I can be poised and inviting rather than wanting to rip his head off for treating me this way.

    I think I need take myself to the movies.

    I did buy myself a salmon colored rose today. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful. I deserve a man who brings me roses.



  9.  #9Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Hello, Loves. Rebound and I have “patched things up.” He appreciated my humor and spoke to me from his heart. We are going on our trip tomorrow, and he assures me I will not feel any pressure. i am now looking forward to it again! Spending time with him feels so good, woohoo!

    Originally we were discussing everything in IM and text, and we were both getting more and more upset, so he finally said “ok no more IM or text. we’re not understanding each other and I don’t want that to get in the way of our communication.”

    I really appreciated that. Most men love to hide behind text, it seems to me. So we talked in person just now

    I still like him just fine and dandy, and I feel permission from myself and from his actions to let go of this calling me her name thing.

    I strayed from the full Rori way and told him, this is my name, you will use it, and if you’re ever nervous or scared or anxious, take 2 seconds to think DOROTHEA, and call me by it. lol. I asked him if he ever cuddled with his friend before in their long friendship. He said yes. I said “well ok, that’s not gonna happen anymore.” To which he replied duh of course.

    But no wonder she is so upset that he has a girlfriend. he basically dumped her from her imaginary relationship with him. I feel terrible for her.

    Not so feeling messagey, but I think my boundaries are getting lost in trying to talk from my feelings. So I tried something different and I feel just fine about it.



  10.  #10Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    @7: Jacqueline

    I don’t know or do est. Could you break that thought down for me? I usually work toward or practice rather than “try.”

    Thanks… I’m curious if you could tell me more.

    xoxo
    SLV



  11.  #11Darling Ella on January 28, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Great post Rori…Gosh how many times I wanted to fix…everything…:(

    Right now, I want to fix nobody…but myself…

    I thought I want to be “married”…hmm…not sure anymore…:( At the question “If I had enough money, would I want to be married right now?”…The answer came surprisingly easy…”No way”…I would want to travel…treat myself and my son…I see no man as a husband next to me…

    I still want to reconcile the sexual strong desires within me…outside “marriage”…I want to heal that part of me…thoughts of self condemnation, sin, etc…

    Warm hugs,



  12.  #12Lucy on January 28, 2011 at 6:49 pm

    “any man who’s okay with no sex for 4 years has serious problems. If you told me he had an affair during the last of his marriage, I would feel better about him” (Rori)

    I feel intensely interested in this statement bc…

    One of my reservations about fb college guy is that he had an affair near the end of his marriage for that exact reason — his wife would absolutely not have sex with him for the last four years (she said she was never physically attracted to him to begin with and what little there was just didn’t motivate her any more). The thing is, I knew Both of them in college, so it’s a little weird and they are both my fb friends, although I don’t connect much with her… I knew him better bc he was the same major as me.

    Anyway.. he said he knows it was wrong to have the affair and that he didn’t want to divorce her at that time bc they had three small children.. so that’s why he didn’t “finish old business before starting new.”

    When she found out, she was angry of course, and then started an affair of her own, and then initiated divorce proceedings.

    I talked to my sister about this over Christmas (she knew him a bit at college, was in a younger class there), and she said the “once a cheater always a cheater” line. She said she would never be able to trust him if it were her, bc if he did it once he’ll do it again — and his reasons don’t matter.

    I don’t know what to think. So I feel intrigued by Rori’s statement.

    What do you Sirens think?

    <3
    Lucy



  13.  #13Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Rori Raye:

    “…like my “No boyfriend” speech:

    “I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking to be married, and so it feels so much better to keep my options open and not be exclusive with anyone until there’s that commitment. I feel so good with you, and I don’t want to put pressure on our relationship…”

    (And variations on that…)

    I really look forward to what you come up with…

    Love, Rori
    ***************************************
    SLV–
    Is it me or is it my little boy taking care of me after steam poured out of my ears for minute or two? I checked out the “Speeches” thread and tweaked the GF speech.

    **Warning and Disclosure**: this tweak is only for me. Maybe I will tweak it again when I am in a situation to present it to someone.

    There was talk a few threads ago about EMK and CD and “keeping our options open” yada yada yada. To do or not to do that is the question.

    I think this sums it up for me:

    “I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking to be married, and so it feels so much better to keep myself open to that and not be exclusive with anyone until there’s that commitment. I feel so good with you, and I don’t want to put pressure on our relationship…”

    Hmmm, this sounds more like me…

    xoxo
    SLV



  14.  #14Darling Ella on January 28, 2011 at 7:03 pm

    Dorothea:

    That feels so good to read 🙂 Awesome 🙂 I feel happy for you to have overcome the hurdle 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  15.  #15Lena on January 28, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    The moment you stop looking at yourself as “broken,” or “wounded,” or “the blame-taker or blame giver” – the sooner you can fall into the process of healing and experience what occurs. ——

    Thats very interesting. I was thinking recently that it might be the neverending “healing” process if to take each event as smth that cause “hurt” and “wounds”, that has to be healed or perfected. How about I am already perfect and those are the signs what not to do and where not to go? It shifts the whole thing from someone down and needing help and healing to someone who just moves in life. Maybe its really how to name it and look at it. I cant help noticing that even through “down time” I LOVED every morning, my room, how the light was passing through my windows. And than it all felt like all this hurt and stuff is just smth so unreal and I always hold on to for some reason. Maybe because I am so convinced that it has to be this way and there is no alternative.



  16.  #16Simply Shannon on January 28, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Oh SLV, I like that a lot. A lot a lot. Wow. Thank you! I always feel weird saying “keeping my options open”. Feels like I’m saying what you’re offering is not enough for me.

    Yes, I’d like to keep myself open to marriage.

    Ohhh. I like!



  17.  #17Simply Shannon on January 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Yeah Dorothea! I hope you have a fabulous time!

    Lucy, I no longer have fear about dating someone who has cheated or been cheated on for that matter. I just think it’s an experience they had. A choice they made. With Mr. Fab Kisser (who cheated), I felt on edge with him because he never really assumed full responsibility for it. He typically made it her fault and how loveless their marriage was. Since I’ve been on the flip side of that equation, I know that both parties are responsible. 50/50 all the way down the line.

    If it were me, I’d be paying attention to his “story” about the cheating and his marriage. I’d be listening for words which indicated HE made that choice and took ownership of it. Does that resonate or no?

    I do NOT believe that once a cheater always a cheater. If I do, then I have to believe once a nagging b*tch wife, always a nagging b*tch wife and frankly that ain’t happenin’ again for this sista. 😉



  18.  #18Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    @16: Simply Shannon says:
    ” Ohhh. I like!…”

    Me too, me too, me too! I hope this means I’ll have a chance to use it… 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  19.  #19Simply Shannon on January 28, 2011 at 7:20 pm

    Mr. Fab Kisser has been on my mind hard core for two days now. He’s at a show tonight (I’m guessing – it’s his favorite band and they are in our city) that we went to together last year. It was an incredible night. I have gotten reminders of him all throughout the past two days. Just random stuff that we talked about or did.

    I’ve been tempted to text him. I can’t decide if it’s my intuition telling me to do it, or if it would be me leaning forward expecting a result. I don’t really have a result in mind. Just that I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately (and this random stuff is driving me bonkers – like RANDOM stuff). I don’t really want to get back with him. Do I? His fab kisses would be nice though. Hmmm…



  20.  #20Lucy on January 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    Thanks, Shannon. That felt helpful to read.

    I recall last summer my date with Garden Guy — he did Not take any responsbility for his choice of cheating and kept blaming the ex.

    With fb college guy, we have not talked about it at all since… what, a year or more ago? when he first told me they were getting divorced and I felt shocked bc I had Just become fb friends with both him and his wife… and I kinda shut him out at that point bc it just felt yucky to be in the middle of that with old college friends. He had written me a long email telling me about it, and I didn’t respond to that for a long time. Now I will go back and find that email and see exactly how he told the “story” about it… and also see what he says when/if we get together.

    But it has been bothering me a bit, especially since that convo with my sister. So it feels good to read an alternate perspective, Shannon.

    THIS also resonates with me — and feels like a bit of a release inside me:

    “I do NOT believe that once a cheater always a cheater. If I do, then I have to believe once a nagging b*tch wife, always a nagging b*tch wife and frankly that ain’t happenin’ again for this sista. ;-)”

    Yes, even though my ex-h engaged in SA behavior that felt really bad, I could’ve been a more loving wife too.

    It feels good to release myself from “always a nagging b*tch wife.”

    <3
    Lucy



  21.  #21Eternity on January 28, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    I’ve been reading all your wonderful posts for a few months now, trying to keep my long distance relationship going. We used to see each other on webcam every day, for the last 18m. We’ve visited each other once and we talked about marriage and moving to be together. We both have kids so it was going to be some time before that happenned.

    Then a few days ago he ‘disappeared’ with no warning. No reply to texts, calls or anything. I felt sheer panic and desperation. He hasnt called it off but I think actions speak louder than words. I would rather he had told me straight up it was off.

    I’m just leaning back and trying to come to terms with the enormous amount of grief and loss. I can barely stand the pain right now. I feel ashamed of how much pain I’m feeling. I feel so worthless.

    I feel so alone and afraid. I feel the need for friendship and peace. Any words of wisdom on dealing with the initial pain would be warmly welcomed then. Where do I start to pick up the pieces of my life?



  22.  #22Daria on January 28, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    I feel sad. And that feels like pressing pinch above my eyes… I love the pressing pinch above my eyes and that feels like small smile. I love my small smile and that feels like dingy ears and more smile. I love my ringy ears and more smile and that feels like breathing deep . I love my breathing deep and that feels like gigglee I love my giggle and that feels like smile and hmf I love my smile and hmf and that feels like more smile and more hmf I love my mire smile and hmf and that feels like hehehe I love my hehehe and that feels like smile and more hehehe I love my more smile and hehehe and that feels like quietness I live my quietness and that feels like smiling big I love my smiling big and that feels like closing my eyes smiling and pinching in my kidney I love my closing my eyes smiling and pinching in my kidney and that feels like deep breath I live my deep breath and that feels like sigh of relief and pinching in my left calf I live my sigh and calf and that feels like smiling hmf I live my smiling hmf and that feels line half yawn I live my half yawn and that feels like quarter yawn and giggling I live my quarter yawn and giggling and that feels like half yawn and pinch in my left butt I love my pinch in my left butt and my half yawn and that feels like tingling in my left butt I love my tingling in my left butt and that feels like half yawn I love my half yawn and that feels like half yawn I live my half yawn and that feels like smile



  23.  #23Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    It’s another Friday with the girls: Carlin and Betty.

    “We all struggle with accepting our bodies especially naked.”

    I’m Too Embarrassed to Have Sex
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feRssvAqRwc

    xoxo
    SLV



  24.  #24LonePlum on January 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm


  25.  #25Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    Tinque,

    RE: #3 – You said, “Brenda means more to heal, and there’s always more. It gets better and easier as you’ve seen, felt.

    Penis is good though, really, really good.”

    LOL! Yeah, reallllllllllllllllly good! I have a bad case of CCD…Cock Craving Disease! Fix it or heal it? Hmmm…



  26.  #26Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #22 – You said, “It’s another Friday with the girls: Carlin and Betty.

    “We all struggle with accepting our bodies especially naked.””

    Are you introducing us to YOUR girls??? Ya know, the ones who show up when you are naked? 🙂



  27.  #27Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    @25: Brenda says:
    “…Are you introducing us to YOUR girls??? Ya know, the ones who show up when you are naked? …”

    The “girls” are Carlin Ross and Betty Dodson of dodson and ross dot com. They produce a little video every Friday for their web site. It’s usually informative and fun.

    BTW, that was funny about “the girls” and it occurs to me I never gave my girls names. Did you name yours? 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  28.  #28Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    @24: Brenda says:

    “LOL! Yeah, reallllllllllllllllly good! I have a bad case of CCD…***Fix it or heal it? Hmmm…”

    Yeah, I’ve got something to fix it. That thing I mentioned couple days ago during the snowstorm i think. I’ll try to find it and flip it on you the next time you are online late night… tee hee 😆

    Gots to find it… I forgot and deleted the link.

    xoxo
    SLV



  29.  #29Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    SLV,

    LOL! Mine are the twins: their names are “Dee” and “Dee”. 😆

    How bout you? LOL! Bout the video…there’s no time like the present! 🙂



  30.  #30Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    WELL WRITTEN ARTICLE! The moment I went into counseling and actually felt safe to really, really feel.. The good feeling felt stronger too.

    I woke yesterday feeling like. I’m in a good mood today! Then I got bummed in a interview after they told me I was over qaulified but, would refer me some where else. And when I got in my car I felt a little sad and scared.

    Not all days but most days it’s a wave.. and now I feel safe surfing instead of supressing, or fixing. 😉



  31.  #31Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    @Brenda

    JHIDEKIM:The Life of a Blogger (Directors Cut- NSFW)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uK6l2Sfb7I4&has_verified=1



  32.  #32Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    @Brenda

    Dee Dee? 😆



  33.  #33Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    When I don’t spend time out with friends or men i start feeling down after a couple of days.

    I’m feeling confused whether this is healthy, or am I making my happiness dependent in others.

    I feel dissapointed that I don’t always have people to hang out with.



  34.  #34Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    30 Days Until Oscar

    http://www.oscars.org/



  35.  #35Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    My parents are around often but they don’t seem to fulfill this need for me.

    Other people often tell me how wonderful I am is that part of it?



  36.  #36Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Sometimes a fun convo on phone can fulfill this need for me



  37.  #37Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Daria, I feel the same way. For me, I think it has to do with both the fact that I get all in my head when I’m alone and that I’m a burgeoning extrovert and being with people energizes me. I think the evenings alone will get better when I start enjoying dating myself rather than being in my head and just feeling alone.

    I was feeling really triggered tonight so I went out and bought a new outfit for my next date and got two truffles to cheer me up. 🙂

    Hugs to you, Daria. Glad we can all come here when we’re feeling sad….and glad…and all those other feelings we’re allowing ourselves to feel!



  38.  #38Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:29 pm

    Fun convos throughout the day



  39.  #39Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    @32: Daria says:
    “…I feel dissapointed that I don’t always have people to hang out with…”

    Did you ever try meet up dot com for activities groups in your city? I haven’t because I’m a terrible procrastinator 😳 but I will eventually. There’s a lot of stuff that looks interesting and fun.

    xoxo
    SLV



  40.  #40Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Thanks pamelala 🙂



  41.  #41Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    Slv yes .. I might have been the one who brought it to the blog. Allowing myself pride.

    I found a divine feminine group that I love attending and a few others.



  42.  #42Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    Hey Ladies.

    I know every one is wise on here.

    I just want to say be careful with the online dates, I went out with a guy who I like and would typically consider a gentlemen.

    Last week we met at a mexican place and had two margarita’s and the couple next to us had a birthday so, we had a birthday shot with them.

    After we left he said he was taking me back to his place.

    I havent had sex in almost two years. I’ve spent the night with him before and nothing has happened. And at this point… I want it to feel special. Like, after I have seen a pattern of consistent communication and what not.

    Well, I felt some pressure so, I said I’m not ready to go back to your house. So he said., Lets check out this cool place across the street. I did and we had fun and he got us another drink. I have been out with my girls and lived it up so.. for a weekend night. This isn’t so rare.

    Well, I ended up getting sick, having to get out on the side of the road and get nauseous. Then I couldn’t drive. That was not normal for me. I passed out in his bed. He gave me clothes to sleep in. And then he told me he was going talk to his sister in the living room and I fell asleep.

    When I woke up.. I was screaming my head off! He was basically “plugged” me. And was all down in my business. And I was so out of it. I didn’t stop him.

    I was awake for five minutes and I passed back out. I woke up curled up on my side of the bed. He didn’t have sex with me but, he touched me in a place that where I am comfortable with.

    Especially, in regards to someone I hardly know.

    I’m just angry that I woke up and that was happening. And

    Then he was trying to put a guilt trip on me and convince me to for all the pleasure he had given me. ( In my passed out, not feeling well sleep)

    I was a little in shock and getting angry at him and myself with what happened.

    I’ve handeled myself a thousand times with nights out and a few drinks on the weekend and nothing like this has ever happened.

    SO, PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  43.  #43Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    I need this type of interaction almost daily.



  44.  #44Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    SLV,

    I’ll check out your video. Here is one for you…a flying penis!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFcZm7UUYIg&playnext=1&list=PL8C129278AEE78D81

    And your girls are named???



  45.  #45Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Alicia! I’m so sorry this happened to you. So sorry. What an invasion. The same thing happened to me in college and I still have nightmares about it. 🙁

    ARGH…sending safe, encouraging and supportive hugs your way.



  46.  #46Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Excuse me.. I meant to say… “He touched me in a place where I am NOT comfortable with.” Not at this point and hardly even with a boyfriend.



  47.  #47Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    (((Alicia))),

    RE: #41 – I am sorry to hear this happened to you .

    THIS IS RAPE. Please report him, so other women are spared from the same trickery. Sounds like he slipped a drug in your drink.

    Are you all right???



  48.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    @40: Daria says:
    “Slv yes .. I might have been the one who brought it to the blog…”

    Cool 8)



  49.  #49Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Daria,

    I know I need to be around people. People give us our feeling of connectedness to the world. And, as much as I love all of you, I know I need in person contact. Too many years in long distance relationships taught me that.

    One of my favorite jobs was working as a server. Even tho it was hard work and didn’t pay all that well, I thrived on it because it was nonstop people contact.



  50.  #50Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Alicia I’m really sorry to hear that.

    Something similar happened to me a few years ago w a guy I knew he gave me lots of tequila, but he did have sex w me I feel triggered by it sometimes. I do remember being rather flirty w him and maybe even pulling him towards me but still… I hadn’t even held his hand before.

    That never happened w me w any of my numerous ‘gangsta’ friends so it felt icky that it happened with thus creepy dieky guy that I thought I was doing a favor to be friends w him.

    It was a big impetus to check my drinking for me.

    It sounds like he may have slipped u something I wonder if that guy slipped me something too.

    I remember my nani smelling terrible like fish I know she was tryna let me know that wasn’t cool cuz she never smells like that… Maybe just a 1% of that once when I had bv but this was diff.



  51.  #51Lori on January 28, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    OMG Alicia,

    How terrible! So sorry this happened to you…



  52.  #52Daria on January 28, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Brenda it Diesnt work for me to be around random people, cuz I am. It seems to be no diff than not.

    This has to be out w a friend, engaged and talking and laughing.



  53.  #53Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 9:47 pm

    @45: Alicia

    Baby, I am so sad to hear this, I always feel like you and the girls here are like my DDIL who is to me like the daughter I never had. I want to cry and kick that jerk’s ASS!!!

    I think he did put something in your drink and it makes you forget stuff not like a regular two drinks too many, fall asleep.

    And it has NOTHING to do with you. It’s HIM, the CREEP!!!!!

    And even if there was nothing slipped in your drink, any man who touches a woman who is not fully conscious, that man is beneath pond scum!

    HUGS (((Alicia)))

    xoxo
    SLV



  54.  #54Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Thanks Pamela…

    He is someone who is attractive and has his stuff together.

    I’m sure he is just a guy and thought he was being pleasureable to me.

    I’m just glad we didnt have sex.. Not like that. And I’ve been out with him 3 times in the course of a year. So, that why I’m hesitant to do more with him because it doesnt feel so steady.. And a part of me hopes that I didnt make him feel rejected.

    Is that wierd?

    He emailed me to make sure I was okay after I told him I was feeling angry and concerned with my body’s physical reaction.

    it’s okay with me, if we never go out again..

    I’m sorry that happened to you, too.

    Men are just wired so sexual. I accept it and it’s a good thing but, there has to be a level of respect. And I knew him..

    I’m not that into meeting a guy for a drink anymore at all…. Some of them act pissy about it. ( Like, well I don’t want *one drink. I want to hang out.)

    And I’ve just got to put my feelings first!!!!



  55.  #55Simply Shannon on January 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Alicia, How are you??? I feel surprised and shocked. Are you okay? In my book, this is rape, and I don’t think that’s my perception talking.

    I’m so sorry this happened.



  56.  #56Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #51 – I understand. I feel the same way. It helps me to be around random people, but I feel much more happy with people I know and love…specially Ryan! How’d you guess??!!??!! 😆



  57.  #57Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 9:58 pm

    Daria –

    About the nani… I have yeast infection, right now. I hope that is what it is!!! So, I took some medicine. Like I said, we didn’t have sex so, I just think it was where he out his fingers then back in my normal place. It probaly was not healthy.

    And he had to nerve to pull up Porn on his phone when I wouldn’t go down on him, the next day!



  58.  #58Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    @53: Alicia says:

    “…I’m sure he is just a guy and thought he was being pleasureable to me….

    I don’t think so. I believe he was concerned only with his own pleasure and stepped all over your boundaries grabbing it. Most men, very sexual or not, do not do this! They will masturbate if they have to.

    xoxo
    SLV



  59.  #59Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #52 – “And even if there was nothing slipped in your drink, any man who touches a woman who is not fully conscious, that man is beneath pond scum!”

    I’ll second that! Ryan takes heavy meds to sleep. Once when we were dating, he invited me to stay overnight. I slept on the sofa. I had to wake up early to go to work. I went to his room to cuddle with him, something we did every night. As soon as I slid under the covers, I realized he was naked. I immediately got up.

    I don’t care if it’s a man with a woman or a woman with a man. Touching someone when they are out is rape and a total violation of their free will!

    Alicia, what are you going to do?



  60.  #60Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Alicia,

    I am a counselor and my specialty is sexual trauma. What this man did to you is NOT ok…it wasn’t just a sexual urge run amock…it was a power play. Get the girl drunk and rape her. What do you think would have happened if you hadn’t woken up? Do you think he would have stopped?

    I am really sorry to state this so bluntly, but I don’t want you to even consider seeing this man again. He is not safe. He doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t matter what he says…pay attention to what he did. What if he had done this to your little sister? Would you think it was just a mistake on his part? You don’t just ‘pleasure’ someone who is passed out…what is the point in it for the unconscious person? It wasn’t about pleasuring you…it was about possessing you, using you.

    I feel so hesitant to write this, but desperate, at the same time, to encourage you to keep yourself safe.

    If you have questions, call a rape crisis line – you can remain anonymous and get an objective opinion about what happened to you.

    UGGHHGHHHH I am so angry with him right now. I want to smash his car and kick him in the face. I want to report him to the online service so he doesn’t do this to someone else. I think I need a drink.

    Please take care of yourself and know that you don’t deserve this kind of disrespect and violation.



  61.  #61Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Thank you!!! Brenda, and SLV and Lori and Simple Shannon, for all your support!!!

    I’m just frustrated…. like I said, I haven’t had sex in two years since I fell in love and even though we didn’t. I do feel violated. I want the experience to be connecting not manipulating.. and embarrasing.

    I dont even know if it’s date rape. I just think his intention was to get me off. But, I should have been awake. I don’t know I feel confuses and freaked out.

    I still have other dates planned but, only at lunch..



  62.  #62Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Alicia,

    RE: #56 – I feel sad to think you were even with him the next day. He should have been in a jail cell the next day. THAT WAS DATE RAPE!



  63.  #63Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    Sorry.. haha. Simply Shannon not Simple.. my bad. 😉

    Thanks again!



  64.  #64Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    This new cd guy that I went on one date with thought I was going to spend the nite w him tonite… I noticed he was saying that but I overlooked it and thought maybe he’s just saying he’ll see me tonite.

    I just talked to him and he’s like, oh I’ll take u back tomorrow..

    I’m all triggered on what were talking about here so I was like ummm no way.

    I wouldn’t have anyway. I feel kinda turned off that he would suggest that as a second date anyway.

    Well.. I also felt weird ‘waiting’ for him cuz he had no set time tonite tho he was keeping in contact past few days about tonite.

    I had another guy asking if I’m free so now I wish I’d answered second guy earlier.

    I felt a bit like I was ‘waiting’

    Now I feel turned off sone and not interested in really even spending time w guy 1.



  65.  #65Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Well now I got a call from my girl who is hooking me up with her dates roomate who she thinks I’ll like! Yay!



  66.  #66Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Just an FYI – check the upper case words

    rape
    Function: n
    : unlawful SEXUAL ACTIVITY and usually sexual intercourse CARRIED OUT forcibly or under threat of injury AGAINST THE WILL usually OF a female OR WITH A PERSON WHO IS beneath a certain age or INCAPABLE OF VALID CONSENT.



  67.  #67Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Alicia,

    Here are some things you have that are highly valuable:

    Free will
    Freedom of choice
    Right to be Respected
    Right to set and hold your boundaries

    He violated all these things. You did not choose to be touched by him. You did not agree to go to his house.

    rape
    1    /reɪp/ Show Spelled [reyp] Show IPA noun, verb, raped, rap·ing.
    –noun
    1.
    an act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
    2.
    the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.
    3.
    statutory rape.
    4.
    an act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.
    5.
    Archaic . the act of seizing and carrying off by force.
    –verb (used with object)
    6.
    to force to have sexual intercourse.
    7.
    to plunder (a place); despoil.
    8.
    to seize, take, or carry off by force.



  68.  #68Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    I feel weird posting while were talking about a scary topic. Sometimes I go numb and ignore something like that and that’s what’s happening now.



  69.  #69Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    I don’t want to talk about rape Grrr. I don’t want to get triggered. Shut it out shut it out ugh.



  70.  #70Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    Brenda –

    I know but, I guess I’m confused because, I would have kissed and cuddled with him, like we have before.

    I just feel blamed for being drunk. And confused becuase… I have drank way more then that and been totally fine. Thw people next to us at the second place were joking about being on something, But, Aaron wasn’t. I don’t know. We are talking 3 drinks and a shot in a 6 hr period.. That’s kinda normal for a weekend night.

    I should have made sure to get handed my own drinks.

    Okay, Thanks everyone!!

    Just be careful.. I thought I knew this guy and trusted him. I still feel torn cause we were friends. So, now I feel stupid.

    And I’m a little mad that it is taking so dang long to meet the “love of my life – guy” Geeeeesh!

    I feel hopeless.. but, I know it’s a timing thing. 🙂



  71.  #71Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    I feel numb.



  72.  #72Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    Daria, It is a scary topic. I think it’s understandable, especially if you’re triggered, to not read it and talk about what you need to talk about instead. I talk about it all day/every day, so it doesn’t trigger me the way it used to. But you just need to take care of yourself.

    I hope you have fun with your friend and her date’s roommate!



  73.  #73Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    @Alicia

    rape? yes. Reporting will help someone else but whatever you do, Please! first promise yourself you will not EVER date him or communicate with him again.

    xoxo
    SLV



  74.  #74Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Alicia,

    You could only do what you thought was best. It’s not your fault! You are not stupid! He set you up by gaining your trust and violating it. It is ALL him – don’t even take part of the blame…don’t worry about his feelings. He gave up the right for you to treat him with kindness.

    You are a beautiful, vibrant and loveable young woman. Now and always. This doesn’t change any of that.



  75.  #75Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    Daria, I agree.

    Ladies.. mayve we talk about something light, for a minute?

    I’m feeling teary eyed. I might just go watch a comedy.. and be back tomorrow.

    Love y’all.. xoxo

    I can’t say thanks enough!! My other friends and I kinda joked about it and it really isn’t funny…

    I just need a time out for a second…



  76.  #76Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    @Alicia

    It has nothing to do with how much you drank. I feel so sad to read.

    No matter how cute he is or how much fun you had on other dates he is not a good man. A good man does not do these things and even continue to disrespect you by denying he did anything wrong.

    xoxo
    SLV



  77.  #77Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Okay.. I don’t feel right about reporting him. My instinct is he wasn’t trying to rape me or put anything in my drink… But, maybe I’m in shock.

    (me being totally passed out isn’t right nor is putting a finger in someones tush who is asleep.. I hardly know this person) You are right… I just need to accept it.

    Like I said. I started to worry if he felt rejected. Is that normal?? After he emailed me..

    Ugh.. I just hope this helps some other ladies. And I’m glad people can relate.

    But, we havent talked.. I won’t go out with him again… I promise. Never ever!



  78.  #78Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    OK, changing the topic, since Alicia asked.
    So, as I was reading old posts, I read about someone (sorry, don’t remember who) suggesting putting together a playlist with love songs sung by a man to a women. Most of the music I listen to is sung by women, love songs to a man…leaning forward.

    I was wondering if any of you could suggest songs that you enjoy that fit the description…love songs (not sex songs, like Barry White) that speak of loving adoration.

    Ideas?



  79.  #79Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Alicia,

    RE: “I just feel blamed for being drunk. And confused becuase… I have drank way more then that and been totally fine.”

    It’s not your fault that you were raped. The small amount you drank indicates strongly that he slipped something in your drink to knock you out. Maybe you should see a doctor so you have evidence of at least an infection, and maybe more.

    Sorry he violated you like this.



  80.  #80Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Alicia – yes, it’s normal. It’s our society that tells us not to hurt other people’s feelings, to be kind, to smile and act is if nothing is wrong. It happens all the time. When I was date raped in college, I actually tried to convince the guy to date me. Somehow, I thought that would make it all OK. But, instead, he rejected me because everyone on his floor knew about it (his roommates watched and told everyone). So, he got off scott free and I had to live with a stigma of being ‘that girl’ for my last two years of college. It sucked. Anyway…yes, it’s normal…it’s a defense mechanism. When the shock wears off, please take care of yourself, call someone if you need to process and just really care for your heart.

    K…back to the changed subject.



  81.  #81Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:28 pm

    wow this guy is a musician and i like his songs and videos… i feel intimidated cuz the girl in his video is so pretty (and cuz he hasnt said anything after i sent him my link to my page)

    he seems like a superstar!

    i feel intimidated

    belief: “im not used to dating ‘successful’ guys’

    i sabotage those

    grr

    the pretty girl also looks like this one girl i got in a fight with and thats even more triggering

    gerber



  82.  #82Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    Alicia, it’s not just online guys. I had someone I trusted pull that sh*t on me. You will get through this even though it won’t be easy. Big hugs.

    I don’t know what else to say because I feel so triggered remembering my own experience



  83.  #83Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    i am triggered like yeah like uff



  84.  #84Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Pamelala,

    RE: #77 – Love Songs

    Michael Bolton – I melt when I hear his songs!
    Richard Marx
    Josh Grobin
    Boyz 2 Men



  85.  #85Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    I didn’t even tell my counselor details of what happened. My counselor told me to just keep developing myself and personal interest. I just dont think she undrstands the purpose of CD’ing.

    Like I said earlier this week. Someone else I date, who does respect me sent me a teddy bear and I’ve only pecked him on the lips. I think I will just take the CD thing more slow. And work on being ASSERTIVE!!!! 🙂

    The problem is I didn’t set firm boundries and say no to going back his place, the first time he mentioned it. I agreed to go to another place instead becuase we were having fun. I should have followed in my own car.

    Thanks SLV – I hear everyone loud and clear it was date rape. I have to move forward . I believe I should just feel my anger and guilt and maybe it will release..



  86.  #86Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    me too

    except im remembering also watching this one guy i care about who can be a good guy kinda sorta but not really do that to this girl who was my friend kinda sorta well the same one who just slept with my guy friend and

    i wasnt sure what was going on and it felt weird cuz i saw it through the window and she was drunk ugh i dont want to deal with it

    and then i think like 5 other guys in the neighborhood slept at her house that nite

    and also hmm

    she does have willing sex with any guy that sleeps over

    confusing and i dont want to think about it



  87.  #87Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 10:32 pm

    Daria,
    I’m struggling with a potential CD as well. He contacted me on Match.com. If he is for real, he is older, successful, just built a custom home on 52 acres and loves to travel. He said if I forgive him for being out of my age range, he would forgive me for being young and attractive. 🙂

    I keep thinking…yeah, wait til he meets me and realizes I’m just an average looking, overweight forty-something with a past. UGH….

    We both deserve superstars, Daria! Whether they be literal superstars of 60 year old retirees with a ranch. We’re both (all) amazing women who deserve only the best!

    🙂 Boy, I’m talkative tonight…thanks for letting me ramble on.



  88.  #88Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    yo cannot deal with this. mine was kinda sorta date rape i dont remember sleeping with the guy and he denied it and after confessed it

    but i do remember pulling him towards me so i cant totally blame him

    i do blame him tho

    i used to and ocassionaly still consider getting him back for that



  89.  #89Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    ugh i feel f*ckin pissed that the good wife airs schizophrenically, and since i don’t have a tv, i get myself all worked up and excited about watching the episodes online in my free time, but then get totally blue balled when i discover that it hasn’t aired in almost two weeks. PSSH, FINE, WHATEVER CBS!!!



  90.  #90Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    Pamela – thanks for saying that! yes we do!

    and im feeling insecure cuz guy hasnt written back yet

    uff

    i feel more comfy when guy approaches me than when freind sets up blind date i see

    even tho he was the one who coordinated the site exchange



  91.  #91Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:37 pm

    Doretha.. Oh, I know for sure it’s not just online guys.. I just meant we meet alot of the guys we C.Date on line so to be careful on dates in general…

    Everyone is triggered.. I bet this is way more common then people think. It’s just a wake up call. And at least we can say we are lucky to be alive. 🙂

    I’m sorry that happened to you, too. Thanks for sharing.



  92.  #92Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    now im looking again and im like do i know this fool? maybe we know each other already and we’re in opposing camps gotta watch for that

    daria is feeling overwhelmed and is rambling

    i love me



  93.  #93Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    ALICIA DON’T READ THIS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT CRAP THAT HAPPENED TO YOU
    <3

    I actually beat the crap out of my perp in his sleep. I took a rock in my fist and had at it. It in the end, I didn't feel any better. i brought a trusted guy friend with me to have my back, but i insisted i kick his ass myself.

    the perp said "i'm just trying to sleep…"

    my friend said "SO WAS SHE!"

    bingo.

    a lot of guys will try to feel you up in your sleep. it doesn't make it ok. every guy i've dated has done it, except my current #1 CD, which makes me terrified of losing him, just because that fact alone makes me feel like he's better than all the rest. sigh.



  94.  #94Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    maybe he doesnt like me cuz i am in my lingerie on my page video

    well to be fair his video is him in ‘lingerie’ too along with a girl in lingerie



  95.  #95Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 10:40 pm

    Dorothea,

    LOL! How on earth can you get blue-balled?? LOL! 😆



  96.  #96Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    brenda,
    because i have an enormous c*ck.



  97.  #97Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    he seemed so humble on the phone

    ok maybe he just aint got around to lookin at my page

    relax daria

    i am making up stuff in my head

    i do feel “funny” though



  98.  #98Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    i lost my left nut in ‘nam, though:(
    damn you, charlie!!!



  99.  #99Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    I just came off forum two minutes ago another with a question of ethics. I am disgusted when the person’s only concern is how they can avoid being caught.

    It is very difficult to even convince such a person that they are doing wrong… even when the contract is in black and white simple language.

    “What does this mean… you cannot…?”

    It means you CANNOT!!! OMG

    Unfortunately this kind of thinking extends into human relationships.

    xoxo
    SLV



  100.  #100Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    omg! this guy is a maker of a funny video i favorited on youtube!

    wat the hell!

    thoughts: “he’ll never like me”

    i love me though



  101.  #101Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    UMM WAT THE FU(CKKK

    he has a song with DRAKE????

    yeah i think he does

    he is a fuc9kin superstar then huh

    🙁

    feelin sad

    wish he was writing me he likes me

    but he isnt
    so

    i will just chill

    and be ok anyway

    cuz i love me

    im triggered



  102.  #102Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Dorothea,

    You naughty! 😆

    I watched Divorce Court the other day. There was a woman who had changed to a man using testosterone and having her breasts removed. S/he had the nerve to sue her/his husband for $8000 for the surgery! While she had killed the marriage by ending her identity as a woman! I felt bad for her husband! There she was, moustache, beard, suit, and tie!



  103.  #103Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    i love drake. that’s cute that this guy who is riding drake’s coat tails is talking to you:P

    reframe. flip. don’t trip. he ain’t nothing special



  104.  #104Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    maybe its just a mixtape and hes not really with drake

    but hes a great rapper i liked his flow mucho

    and apparently he likes going down on women and knows how to give squirting orgasms lol

    and here i am getting all happy AND insecure and

    uff

    i feel sad cuz i dont believe im good enuf to attract a guy i am feeling excited about like this

    and i lvoe me anyway



  105.  #105Senior Lady Vibe on January 28, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    @77: Pamelala says:

    “So, as I was reading old posts, I read about someone (sorry, don’t remember who) suggesting putting together a playlist with love songs sung by a man to a women.”

    Somebody here did a neat one. Is that one one you mean. Hmmm, wonder which thread it’s on. I don’t know how to search the entire blog, only individual threads. It was nice. I’ll check if I copied it but I don’t think I did… Some Lionel Ritchie if I remember.

    OK, that’s nice project. I’ll see what I can do.

    SLV



  106.  #106Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    maybe he thinks im a prostitute cuz my main page video says myspace-ho

    i was being provocatively controversial (redundacy?) with that



  107.  #107Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    daria why r u TRIPPIN? he better be a great rapper or a good hustler or a genius braniac or a successful businessman or spiritual guru to get your attention and have you give him the time of day. like, duh.



  108.  #108Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    thanks girl!



  109.  #109Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    *brainiac. there’s nothing like mispelling words about others’ intelligence to make me feel silly lollll



  110.  #110Becky on January 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Alicia,

    I’m sorry to hear that that happened. That sounds like a nightmare. I feel better though reading about the lessons you want to take from it.

    Tonight I was triggered big time. I went on a date- probably my seventh one with a guy I met off of E-harmony. He wasn’t as cuddly as he usually is and he ended the night really abruptly. I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. Anyway, I came home and just headed towards the fridge and started binging until I could calm myself down enough to come to my room and try to reflect about the evening. I felt like up until the time he brought me home, I was speaking my truth but when he quickly walked me to the door and said good night, I felt hurt. We usually hang out longer and talk and kiss. And you know what, the first thought that came to my (insecure) mind was, “he’s probably ending the evening early so that he can go and hook up with someone else.” However, I was able to let that thought go without too much of a struggle whereas in the past, I would have been mulling over something like that all night. Now I just check on myself and ask, “did I treat myself as good as I could this whole night.” And the answer is yes. But, I want to express to him, maybe when he calls to ask me out again? or if he does, that I felt weird about how the evening ended. Would that be appropriate? How do you handle those weird feelings?



  111.  #111Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    im gonna now rename my video from
    myspace ho holloween

    to something else



  112.  #112Alicia on January 28, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    Pamela –

    Alright.. I didn’t mean to tell people to change the subject.. I’m okay. I dont want anyone to stuff their own triggers on my behalf.. it’s probably healthy for people to feel triggered.

    I just read #59 in depth and you are right..

    When you said.. What would he have done if I hadnt woke up? I think you are right…. That was scary to think about. It’s scary to accept the truth.

    Everyone is right. I got date raped. That feels disgusting and it feels powerless!!!

    No wonder I’ve been eating like crap this week. I need to face it and get a grip..

    The definition of rape.. really opened my eyes.

    Goodnight everyone!

    Thanks for the care and support! HUGS! XOXOX



  113.  #113Daria on January 28, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    Dorothea – im tripping because last guy i found enormously attractive, sexy cd, has not really pursued me

    and i was feeling so good the first day with him like YES i finally got it, i finally am getting these guys i find attractive

    and now he’s doing like disappear appear with one phone call thing



  114.  #114Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    Becky – this sounds great “I want to express to him, maybe when he calls to ask me out again? or if he does, that I felt weird about how the evening ended.”



  115.  #115Dorothea on January 28, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    ohhhh i see
    well don’t worry about that guy
    you know?

    it’s triggering self esteem issues, but we know you can handle it and use it as a blessing and direction to send more love to yourself!



  116.  #116Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 11:05 pm

    Thanks SLV! I don’t know how to search the blog either. 🙁 I appreciate your help.



  117.  #117Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    ok i got carried away, apparently he did not make the funny viral youtube video

    but he does have a very professional website

    i have now calmed down that he’s not a star yet and feel much more confident

    i feel disappointed that i apparently am still so scared of successful attractive men

    babysteps



  118.  #118Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    i am actually feeling GREAT and relieved!!!

    i am no longer feeling overwhelmed by him

    now i just feel excited

    now i dont give a fuclky if he is gonna contact me or not

    whew!

    BUTTTTT>>>> this means i get super intimidated and in my vibe push super attractive to me guys away

    i would liek to heal this

    angels i am asking for help to heal this in a safe healthy fun fast way!



  119.  #119Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    Alicia – don’t push yourself too hard to “face it and get a grip.” It might take time, and processing, and taking really good care of yourself. My rape happened 25 years ago and sometimes I still look the guy up on FB and fantasize about calling his wife and telling her what he did. I would never do that, but fantasizing about it helps me process the anger.

    Hope you sleep well tonight…hope you’re not triggered. I’m thinking, surrounding yourself with pillows and hugging yourself to sleep, being really caring and non-judgemental of yourself, would be a really nice thing. And sleep with the teddy bear the sweet CD gave you. 🙂



  120.  #120Brenda on January 28, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    I’m going to sleep with my teddy bear now! And my doggies! My eyes are closing….Good night, or good morning, as the case may be!



  121.  #121Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    RATS! i was just having a convo with a guy from online and i felt good and stuff

    and he wants to see me tomorrow “BUT!” i wanted to talk more!!

    and he ended it after 6 minutes

    but hey

    hehe



  122.  #122Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    “sleep over” cd hasn’t called back

    he’s probably tired cuz he flew out and in today

    well i feel kinda glad about that

    weekend cd is texting me he has bad reception, i told him id rather talk but he hasnt called

    ***

    i’m considering asking rapper guy if he’s seen my page



  123.  #123Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    lol
    i said

    im feeling kinda insecure not hearing back from you

    what do you think?



  124.  #124Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    i am super rockstaring it ack i feel scared

    i know i can handle this though even if he’s like im not attracted to your type because i am looking at me and i am attracted to myself hardcore



  125.  #125Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    he says

    ow no worries!

    then he says:

    I’ll hit u up 2morrow k?

    then i wrote

    lol i feel embarassed now. I was hoping you’d think im hella pretty lol. 🙂 U r handsome. it would feel cool to hear from you tomorrow

    hehe i feel very rockstarry

    and scared and happy and good with myself here

    i was being SUPER honest by saying i was hoping you’d think im hella pretty

    haha i feel embarassed lol



  126.  #126Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    he said haha u will, and thanks

    then he said:

    Haha oh I’m sorry I haven’t gotten a chance ta look at Urs yet I’m kinda busy Workin on this script for work so I prolly won’t get a chance till 2morr



  127.  #127Daria on January 28, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    i said

    ok i feel kina relieved then 🙂 . Feelin kina impatient i respect ur work ethic tho 🙂 hehe



  128.  #128Pamelala on January 28, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    I’m practicing writing with FMs with 2 potential CDs on Match.com. It feels good to have some time to practice and it really feels good to receive their forward movement. I like feeling desireable.



  129.  #129Daria on January 29, 2011 at 12:37 am

    feelin a lil lonely feelin a lil good

    feelin a lil loved

    by that one thats always there

    🙂



  130.  #130Daria on January 29, 2011 at 12:50 am

    message from the man i just talked to from online:

    YOU KNOW THE ONLY REASON WHY YOUR LONELY IS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE. I KNOW YOU HAVE A BIG FAN BASE. IWOULD CALL YOU A STAR BUT YOU MORE LIKE A GALAXY.



  131.  #131Daria on January 29, 2011 at 1:01 am

    just listened to a sad song and i felt sad 🙁 and missed my godkids and cried

    im pretty sure they try to call me from mom’s cell because i get So many missed calls from there it seems improbable they’re just accidents



  132.  #132Daria on January 29, 2011 at 1:02 am

    i miss them!

    i feel guilty im not seeing them and when i will i won’t have presents for them like before

    will they still love me? yes

    i love me

    i feel sad

    i miss em



  133.  #133Daria on January 29, 2011 at 1:05 am

    i bought my self Hydrangea Root Extract from Dr Christopher on a whim

    i received abundant gifts on christmas and had some stored energy ready to claim another gift and this time this was it!

    it’s going to help me heal my kidneys and bladder securely



  134.  #134Daria on January 29, 2011 at 1:14 am

    sad poems before my blood spills

    feeding my earth

    blood is the blessing

    fresh metal like silver gold bronze

    liquid jewelry red purple

    i am created around it

    i am bone stickyness

    an engraved case for the preciousest



  135.  #135Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 2:54 am

    @101: Brenda says:
    “…There she was, moustache, beard, suit, and tie!…”

    Help me…I can’t stop laughing… 😆

    xoxo
    SLV



  136.  #136Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 3:20 am

    “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_ILDFp5DGA



  137.  #137Daria on January 29, 2011 at 3:36 am

    Wonderful conversation… Mmm… Men love me 🙂



  138.  #138Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 3:43 am

    “Lady in Red” – Chris De Burgh
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLgmlWRxhwk



  139.  #139Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 4:10 am

    “I Want to know what love is” – Lou Gramm (Foreigner)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loWXMtjUZWM&feature=related



  140.  #140Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 4:15 am

    “Everything I Do, I Do It For You” – Bryan Adams
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGoWtY_h4xo&feature=related



  141.  #141Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:05 am

    RE 53 Alicia says “I’m just glad we didnt have sex.. Not like that. And I’ve been out with him 3 times in the course of a year. So, that why I’m hesitant to do more with him because it doesnt feel so steady.. And a part of me hopes that I didnt make him feel rejected.”

    Alicia I think in this month’s Interview with Relationships I got from Rori Christian Carter or Rori says in a man’s mind he can keep a relationship casual when you meet up in that type of fashion, infrequently. He suggests that the guy feels he can keep the relationship in that pattern forever, like it is always there. For me now that type of “connection” is with a stranger and I don’t know what he is capable of doing.

    Please allow me to share something from Margaret Paul.

    “We are being victims anytime we give another person power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we make approval, sex, things, a substance or any activity responsible for our feelings of happiness or loveability. We are being victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so so on. The moment we sincerely want to learn about our own intrinsic worth and what behavior is in our highest good, and we as Spirit, we will receive answers. Whenever we choose to find our happiness and safety through others, then we have to try to control them to give us what we want. Then, when they don’t come through for us in the way we hoped they would, we feel victimized by their choices”.

    I feel this experience has brought more awareness and consciousness to you that will help you to review your choices and life and be more powerful in your own life. It could be part process and I am sure you will know that for yourself. Your spirit will guide you next time is what I sense, as Rori teaches us to trust our boundaries. What you wrote tells me that you do love yourself so as Margaret Paul says “taking responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability through developing our spiritual connection, instead of giving that job to others, moves us out of being victims into personal power”. Rori says focus on yourself, check with your feelings. I try to do that even when I am excited about my dates because sometimes if we go deeper that our first instincts brings intuition into play and though excited there can be unease that help us to be more watchful over our choices. I have confidence in you that you will take care of yourself as you develop your personal power. Thank God that your Spirit was looking out for you even in your sleep, I think that is why you might have woken up. Our Spirit is an amazing thing when we activate it. I believe a lot of what Rori is teaching in checking in with ourselves is helping us to awaken our Spirit. I know you will get there girl.



  142.  #142Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:05 am

    RE 53 Alicia says “I’m just glad we didnt have sex.. Not like that. And I’ve been out with him 3 times in the course of a year. So, that why I’m hesitant to do more with him because it doesnt feel so steady.. And a part of me hopes that I didnt make him feel rejected.”

    Alicia I think in this month’s Interview with Relationships I got from Rori Christian Carter or Rori says in a man’s mind he can keep a relationship casual when you meet up in that type of fashion, infrequently. He suggests that the guy feels he can keep the relationship in that pattern forever, like it is always there. For me now that type of “connection” is with a stranger and I don’t know what he is capable of doing.

    Please allow me to share something from Margaret Paul.

    “We are being victims anytime we give another person power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we make approval, sex, things, a substance or any activity responsible for our feelings of happiness or loveability. We are being victims anytime we blame another for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment, and so so on. The moment we sincerely want to learn about our own intrinsic worth and what behavior is in our highest good, and we as Spirit, we will receive answers. Whenever we choose to find our happiness and safety through others, then we have to try to control them to give us what we want. Then, when they don’t come through for us in the way we hoped they would, we feel victimized by their choices”.

    I feel this experience has brought more awareness and consciousness to you that will help you to review your choices and life and be more powerful in your own life. It could be part process and I am sure you will know that for yourself. Your spirit will guide you next time is what I sense, as Rori teaches us to trust our boundaries. What you wrote tells me that you do love yourself so as Margaret Paul says “taking responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability through developing our spiritual connection, instead of giving that job to others, moves us out of being victims into personal power”. Rori says focus on yourself, check with your feelings. I try to do that even when I am excited about my dates because sometimes if we go deeper that our first instincts brings intuition into play and though excited there can be unease that help us to be more watchful over our choices. I have confidence in you that you will take care of yourself as you develop your personal power. Thank God that your Spirit was looking out for you even in your sleep, I think that is why you might have woken up. Our Spirit is an amazing thing when we activate it. I believe a lot of what Rori is teaching in checking in with ourselves is helping us to awaken our Spirit. I know you will get there girl.



  143.  #143Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:06 am

    Oops sorry about the double. I don’t know how this keeps happening to me and then sometimes recently I kept losing my posts.



  144.  #144Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:18 am

    Alicia I am now wondering if it is synchronicity. This category is Heal your Heart and I feel your experience is a great example for all of us here. I know it must feel icky and I don’t want to make light of it but I believe we gain strength after such things because they bring greater awareness. I send hugs and just want you to know I am there with you. My spirit is there with you and that this experience will work for your good.



  145.  #145Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:58 am

    Alicia I just reread Aradea’s comment 288 in the You Get Love Telecast Thread and want to suggest that you reread it. I found it really inspirational knowing that the work here helps us to grow into better persons which enhances our relationships.



  146.  #146Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Wow…
    so much stuff going on on ye olde blog.
    Alicia….babygirl….I am glad you got your head around the idea that this dude did something BAD.
    Putting a finger in your TUSHI is probably not for your pleasure, yeah?
    Thats more likely (in my opinion) about his fantasies and what he could get away with.
    I second the opinion of the possibility if a drug in yer drink. Roofies might do that to you.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flunitrazepam

    and as a drug with anmesiac qualities……it’s really great for a date rape drug.



  147.  #147Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 6:33 am

    Wierdness in my life.
    I was on the FB with judo man.
    who randomly started busting my onions about putting other people in charge of my money………
    what?
    We were talking about working out. Which I hate to do. And am sooo freakin tired I can’t imagine having the time or engergy to do. I mentioned that I recently found out I’m anemic. So i’m hoping that once the suppliments from the naturopath kick in I will have the energy to get my butt to the gym.
    He started on about how the gym is designed to keep people going there forever and how you dont’ need it and what is my routine anyway?
    I’m like…….I dunno. I have a trainer for that. She does my planning.
    He gets a little squirrly ……like “never leave anyone in charge of your body or your money”
    I’m like…….DUDE!
    YOU are a money guy.
    Hes like……no Im not….I make my living from the stock market and I teach other people how to do it too, but Im not incharge of thier money.
    Whiskey
    Tango
    Foxtrot.



  148.  #148Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 7:36 am

    A perspective from Carol Allen

    ASTROLOGICAL ATTRACTION SOLUTION #1: Raise Your Frequency

    Did you know that someone standing within ten
    feet of you can feel your feelings, even if you’re
    doing nothing to show them? This has been proven in scientific studies.

    Just by standing near someone, even with your
    back turned, without showing anything in your
    facial expression or saying a word, they can feel
    your energy. Your vibes, man… 🙂

    And if they’re good, others will feel good
    around you. And if they’re not… they won’t.

    But changing your feelings sounds like hard
    work. You likely think it takes years of therapy…
    or a lot of effort… like daily exercise and
    meditation and a dietary over-haul.

    Well, I share that even by just focusing your intention for a few seconds, and breathing differently, you can dramatically alter your feelings for the better. (It’s been proven in a laboratory setting that anyone can easily do this! You just need to know how.)

    ASTROLOGICAL ATTRACTION SOLUTION #2: Connect To Your Heart

    One of the most powerful ways to attract a
    great man, is to be “in your heart.” It sounds trite, but it’s so true… Here’s the thing – men are drawn to women because we help them feel their feelings… and sex and love help men to get into their own more tender feelings.

    And healthy men like that. (Unhealthy men are
    TERRIFIED of their more tender feelings, however.
    It’s a good way to tell which kind of man you’re
    with…) But you have to be in YOUR tender feelings to inspire a man to get into his.

    So how do you do this “getting into your heart”
    thing?

    It has to be authentic… and I’m NOT talking about being all emotional and oozing them all over a guy. (They DO NOT like that! I’m sure you’ve noticed.)

    No. But I am talking about being positive and
    heart-centered.

    Everyone likes this – children, animals, your friends, your coworkers, your family… not just
    men. Again, this can sound super airy-fairy, but
    it’s actually been proven that when you’re connected to your heart, others can feel it.

    But guess what else? It’s also been proven that when you’re in your heart, you make better choices
    and you end up far better off than when you just listen to your logic and reason.

    It’s not just “talk” when we say, “My heart wasn’t into it…” or “I knew in my heart of hearts, it wasn’t for me.”

    Nope. Your heart actually has neurons – its own BRAIN – and makes emotional decisions WITHOUT needing to get input from the one in your skull.
    So when you’re “in your heart” you get the
    amazing DOUBLE WHAMMY benefit of being both more attractive to others, and making better choices of what others to let into your life. It’s not just a wives’ tale that “your heart knows” what’s best for you.

    It actually does. Go against your heart and be sorry…

    But how do you know when it’s your heart talking and not just your infatuation for someone? Or your wishful thinking? or your hormones that have you so HOT for a guy you’re blind to what’s best?

    (We’ve all done that!) And knowing this difference can save you a life-time of pain, and help you know when something is truly RIGHT.

    (Without needing to check the stars, or ask a
    therapist, or call all your girlfriends…)

    Learn how to access the highest wisdom you
    already have within you.
    A woman that knows all about the heart, and is
    truly a master of love, is Marci Shimoff.

    Marci is a BIG SHOT – a best-selling author of
    many, many years (it was her idea to make the
    “Chicken Soup For The Soul” books into a series of
    different topics, and she authored SIX of them!),
    a featured expert in the mega-hit “The Secret,”
    and a professional speaker in front of huge
    audiences all over the world.

    But you know what? She’s sooooo kind and humble
    and accessible, you’d never know she was such a
    self-help celebrity.

    Which is why I was recently blessed to meet
    with her for my monthly series, “Interviews With
    Enlightening Experts.”

    Marci wrote an amazing book on happiness called
    “Happy For No Reason” about the latest science and
    research on the subject – what causes happiness,
    and how any of us can improve our “happiness set-
    point” and enjoy more joy in our own lives.

    This led Marci to ask herself, “What do I care about more than happiness?” And there was just one answer. Love.

    But Marci shared with me, she wasn’t interested
    in writing about relationship love. No, she wanted to discover what makes people feel love all the time – whether they have a relationship or not.

    She wanted to help people have that “in love” feeling even if they weren’t actually “in love” so
    that the feeling wouldn’t be dependent on anything
    or anyone…So she spent years traveling the world, talking to experts and researchers, therapists and
    spiritual teachers.

    And she learned some amazing things…

    And she put it into her book, “Love For No
    Reason.”

    And shared some of her favorite insights with
    me.

    In this thrilling conversation (truly a high-
    point in my career!) Marci told me so much good
    news and some truly miraculous stories.

    Here are highlights from our hour-plus-long
    conversation:

    >> We all have a “happiness set-point:” 50% is
    genetic, but the other 50% is up to you and can
    be changed for the better…

    >> We all have a “love set-point” that can be
    improved as well, allowing you to both give and
    receive more love

    >> Emotions are contagious – if yours are great,
    men will feel great around you. If they aren’t,
    they likely won’t

    >> A simple way to predict your future romantic
    happiness (and financial success, fitness level,
    professional achievement, and more)…

    >> People who live in a state of love (real
    people, not saints) aren’t just “lucky” – they’ve
    found real tools to get there that anyone can
    learn and use

    >> A simple three-step technique that takes less
    than a minute and can instantly ramp up your good
    feelings, relaxation, and compassion for yourself
    and others, taking you instantly out of a “stress
    response” and into a “love response”

    >> An amazing energetic forgiveness technique to
    help you heal a broken relationship without even
    talking to the other person or “fixing” anything
    between you directly (this one is so powerful it
    enabled a whole psych. ward of “hopeless” patients
    to recover from their mental illnesses and lead
    productive lives)

    >> How a woman dying from liver failure (who’d
    already had a liver transplant) was able to heal
    and be alive and well 18 years later – just by
    changing her emotions

    >> How a woman with virtually no immune system and riddled with chronic pain was able to become pain-free and totally well within a year by sending
    love and good wishes to strangers

    >> Five minutes of anger will suppress your immune
    system for up to six hours – but the opposite is
    also true – five minutes of loving feelings will
    boost your immune system for up to six hours

    >> Money can’t buy happiness – 40% of the world’s
    wealthiest people are more unhappy than the average person

    >> A simple practice that can rewire your body to
    transform your self-criticism to self-acceptance
    in less than two minutes a day, dramatically
    increasing your odds of finding and keeping love

    >> And so much more…



  149.  #149Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 8:08 am

    THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

    I sincerely hope that what I am sharing below won’t offend either one of you because it is not my intent (e.g, different religious/spiritual views)…Recent events again brought me to my knees…and upon lots of reflection and search for answers and peace, I “returned” to my favorite book for comfort and wisdom…which is “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson.

    Here is a chapter…Please give it a
    try…and keep an open mind and open heart while reading it…

    “We can all relate to the desire to find Mr. or Ms. Right. It’s almost a cultural obsession. But according to A course in Miracles, the search for the perfect person to “fix” us is one of our biggest psychic wounds, and one of the ego’s most powerful delusions. It represents a notion that A Course in Miracles calls the “special relationship.” Although the word “special” normally implies something wonderful, from a Course perspective, special means different, therefore separate, which is characteristic of ego rather than spirit. A special relationship is a relationship based on fear.

    ‘God created only one begotten Son’ and He loves all of us as one. To Him, no one is different or special because one is actually separate from anyone else. Since our peace lies in loving as God loves, we must strive to love everyone. Our desire to find one “special person,” one part of the Sonship who will complete us, is hurtful because it is delusional. It means we’re seeking salvation in separation rather than in oneness. The only love that completes us is the love of God, and the love of God is the love of everyone. That doesn’t mean that the form of our relationships is the same with everyone, but it means that we are seeking the same content in every relationship; a quality of brotherly love and friendship that goes beyond the changes of form and bodies.

    Just as the ‘Holy Spirit’ was God’s answer to the separation, the special relationship was then the ego’s answer to the creation of the Holy Spirit.’ After the separation, we began to feel a huge gaping hole with in us, and most of us still feel it. The only antidote for this is the Atonement, or return to God, because the pain we feel is actually our own denial of love. The ego, however, tells us differently. It argues that the love we need must come from someone else, and that there’s one special person out there who can fill up that hole. Since the desire for that person actually stems from our belief that we’re separate from God, then the desire itself symbolizes the separation and the guilt we feel because of it. Our search then carries the energy of the separation. It becomes about guilt. This is why so much anger is often aroused in our closest relationships. We’re projecting onto someone else the rage we feel against ourselves for cutting off our own love.

    Often when we think we are “in love’ with a person, as A Course in Miracles indicates, we’re actually anything but. The special relationship is based not on love but on guilt. The special relationship is the ego’s seductive pull away from God. It is a major form of idolatry, or temptation to think that something other than God can complete us and give us peace. The ego tells us that there is some special person out there who will make all the pain go away. We don’t really believe that, of course, but then on the other hand we really do. Our culture has bred the idea into us, through books, songs, movies, advertising, and more importantly, the conspiracy of other egos. It is the job of the Holy Spirit to transform the energy of special love from treachery to holiness.

    The special relationship makes other people-their behavior, their choices, their opinions of us-too important. It makes us think we need another person, when in fact we are complete and wholes as we are. Special love is a “blind’ love, seeking to heal the wrong wound. It addresses the gap between ourselves and God, which doesn’t actually exist but which we think does. By addressing this gap as real, and displacing its source onto other people, we actually manufacture the experience we seek to rectify.

    Under the Holy Spirit’s guidance, we come together to share joy. Under the ego’s direction, we come together to share desperation. Negativity, however, cannot really be shared because it is an illusion. “A special relationship is a kind of union from which union is excluded.”

    A relationship is not meant to be the joining at the hip of two emotional invalids. The purpose of a relationship is not for two incomplete people to become one, but rather two complete people to join together for the greater glory of God.

    The special relationship is a device by which the ego separates rather than joins us. Based on a belief in internal emptiness, it is always asking, “What can I get?”, whereas the Holy Spirit asks, “What can I give?” The ego seeks to use other people to fulfill our needs as we define them. Certain voices go on endlessly these days about whether or not “our needs are being met” in a relationship. But when we try to use a relationship to serve our own purposes, we falter because we are reinforcing our illusion of need. Under the ego’s guidance we’re always looking for something, yet always sabotaging what we’ve found.

    One of my girlfriends called me one day and said she had had a date with someone she really liked. The next week, she called and said he had broken a date with her in order to go out of town. She didn’t like him after all. “I won’t take that from anyone, “ she told me. “I’m ready for a relationship.”

    “No you’re not ready for a relationship,” I told her. “Not if another person isn’t allowed to make a mistake, you’re not.”

    The ego had told her to reject the man because she was ready for a relationship, but what it was really doing was to make sure she wouldn’t have one. The ego isn’t looking for someone to love; it’s looking for someone to attack. Its dictate in love is “Seek, and do not find.” It looks for a reflection of itself, another mask that hides the face of Christ. In the special relationship, I’m afraid to show you the real truth about myself, my fears, my weaknesses – because I ‘am afraid that if you see them,, you’ ll leave. I’m assuming you’re as judgmental as I am. And I’m also not really jumping up and down wanting to see your weak spots either because it makes me nervous to think I’m involved with someone who has them.

    The whole setup mitigates against authenticity and therefore against real growth. A special relationship perpetuates the self-punishing masquerade in which we all seek desperately to attract love through being someone we’re not. Although we’re seeking love, we’re actually fostering our won self hatred and lack of self-esteem.

    What ‘s our miracle here? It’s a shift from thoughts of specialness to thoughts of holiness. Our mental patterns in regard to relationships are so fraught with fear – attack and defensiveness, guilt and selfishness, however prettily disguised – that many times we are brought to our knees. As always, that’s a good place to be. We pray for God to guide our thoughts and feelings. ‘You can place any relationship under the Holy Spirit’s care and best assure that it will not result in pain.’

    Chapter taken from “A Return to Love “ written by Marianne Williamson



  150.  #150Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 8:38 am

    FeminineWoman #147:

    ~”Did you know that someone standing within ten
    feet of you can feel your feelings, even if you’re
    doing nothing to show them?”

    I feel validated…I often felt weird sharing this to other people (being able to feel someone’s energy)…it doesn’t feel good being looked at as “crazy” or “weird”…:)

    Great post 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  151.  #151Jeannette on January 29, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Darlene Ella, I thank you for sharing a part of the book with us. I am going out and get this book, it definitely holds the key!



  152.  #152Luzydel on January 29, 2011 at 8:46 am

    Ok I have a dilemma,

    I have two guys asked me on a date tomorrow around the same time.

    One told me a week ago that he will call me to confirm anything, but he did not until today when he sent me an email. The other has been more proactive and said if over the phone and even say he really wants to meet me etc.

    I have not confirm anything with anyone yet, what to do. I am feeling guilty, flattered, confused all at once.

    I wonder if I can meet one in the morning and the other at a later time? would that be playing? they are not actual BF’s or anything official.

    This has not happened to me before, but since I’ve been doing RR’s program I’ve been getting a rain of men asking me out, and I am not even doing anything spectacular. Just leaning backward and being open to meet them and flirty of course 🙂

    What would you do and how could I tell one of them that I already have a commitment without making him feel ‘rejected’.



  153.  #153Summerbaby on January 29, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Darling Ella and Feminine Woman 147 and 149…

    absolutely. I have sometimes felt “bad vibes” from people and feel it necessary to leave the area at once. I’ve also felt “great vibes” from total strangers and have had great days because they just seemed to support my good mood.

    Children especially pick up on good energy and will be drawn to me at times. One day this delightful girl of perhaps 3 or 4 saw me walking on a path and announced to me, “I’m having a GOOD day!” I’ve never forgotten the experience (she’s probably close to 10 now). She was positively beaming. I beamed right back at her and thanked her for sharing it with me. It made me much more aware that my moods and states can have a ripple effect similar to dropping a pebble in a pond.

    I’ve been working on me for years. I’m realizing the more I relax and stop trying to figure it all out and just work on feeling a little better or a lot better right now, the better things go.

    hugs to all,
    summerbaby



  154.  #154Summerbaby on January 29, 2011 at 9:02 am

    I love the idea of love songs sung by men… I have a feel good playlist that I am constantly tweaking for the songs that leave me feeling loved and happy.

    I’m amazed – Paul McCartney
    All for Love – Brian Adams, Sting, and I forget the third guy
    and while this isn’t about love so much I just adore the Rolling Stones – She’s a Rainbow because it makes me feel delightful…

    I have a few more at home and would be happy to hear others favorites.

    I’m very conscious of what music I listen to because the lyrics and the music can affect your mood and send you to the heights of happiness, or spiral to the depths of despair.

    hugs to all,
    summerbaby



  155.  #155Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Luzydel:

    I sense self-judgment about it…Where is that coming from? 🙂

    Does it feel good to be a Goddess? If so, what is “unethical” or “bad” about having two dates on the same day?

    Unless u feel overwhelmed and cannot flip this feeling into a positive (in which case, u may need to follow u feeling of passing yourself), I see nothing wrong with it 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  156.  #156Luzydel on January 29, 2011 at 9:09 am

    On regards to Alicia, I think tequila can have those effects, I only had tequila once and I puked a lot and felt all yucky. Something I learned since I was in college is NEVER drink a lot when on a date or with a guy you are just meeting.

    I used to see guys taking the girls with them when they were passed out. I think is a way for the guy to “take advantage” without feeling he forced the situation. Sort of like blame the girl or make her feel she also wanted it.

    He was not trying to pleasure you, he was trying to take advantage of the situation and see how far he could get.

    If he contact you again, maybe you should bring this up and tell him why you wont go out with him again.



  157.  #157Luzydel on January 29, 2011 at 9:22 am

    154: Darling Ella

    Yes you are right, I still have not over come the feeling guilty part. I am not doing anything Wrong!

    I need a cool message for the email guy, since he took longer to respond. I want to tell him I would love to see him a ta another time, but that I already Have a previous commitment…



  158.  #158Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 9:23 am

    “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You” – Darren Hayes (Savage Garden)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjnmICxvoVY



  159.  #159Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Here is my team song for the day…I can never get bored of it 🙂

    It feels so good…Sonique

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hVzvdCKuu4w



  160.  #160Luzydel on January 29, 2011 at 9:38 am

    haha some men can write some very strong and forward emails…
    this is what a guy just wrote to me…

    ” I would love to just run your bath and hold you close to me after wards” .

    Hehe still thinking what to say…



  161.  #161Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 9:42 am

    @153: Summerbaby says:
    “I love the idea of love songs sung by men… I have a feel good playlist that I am constantly tweaking for the songs that leave me feeling loved and happy.
    I’m amazed – Paul McCartney…”

    OMG… Thanks for mentioning; I haven’t heard this in a long while. I had the McCartney song on the original vinyl. Little hippie girl is gone…but I’m here now…and going for it… 😀

    “Maybe I’m Amazed” – Paul McCartney (Wings)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cm2YyVZBL8U

    xoxo
    SLV



  162.  #162Summerbaby on January 29, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Luzydel,

    @ 159, I would probably say something silly like, “hmmm sounds like you may already be in need of a cold shower! 😉 ”

    fun email, thanks for sharing…

    As far as letting the other email guy down, just say, I can’t do 3 (making it up) as I have plans, but I’d love to see you and am free on ______ or _____ at the moment if either of those work for you.

    The “at the moment” suggests it may change if he hesitates.

    Big hugs,
    summerbaby



  163.  #163Rori Raye on January 29, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Eternity – so sorry…and the perils of long distance are fraught with pain. This cannot have been anything but an Imaginary Relationship – and what you need to do now is drop him from your mind and start Circular Dating NOW!!! do not bother taking time to “grieve” – there is nothing here to grieve except the time you’ve invested – get over that and get out there! Love, Rori



  164.  #164Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 10:25 am

    “…I’ll give you everything I can
    I’ll build your dreams with these two hands
    We’ll hang some memories on the walls.

    And when, and when just the two of us are there
    You won’t have to ask if I still care
    ‘Cause as the time turns the page, my love won’t age at all…”

    “I Swear” – All-4-One
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFD9lW9PGM4

    xoxo
    SLV



  165.  #165T-Girl on January 29, 2011 at 10:29 am

    As far as love songs from men, some of my favorites are:

    Marry Me – Train
    Careless Whisper – George Michael
    My Name is Love – Rob Dickinson
    Suddenly – Billy Ocean
    Make it with You – Bread

    Ooh, and one of my all time favorites:
    Behind Closed Doors – Charlie Rich



  166.  #166Simply Shannon on January 29, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Alicia, I’m thinking about you chicka.

    All this talk about rape and how it’s defined has me thinking about something I only admitted to myself a couple of months ago.

    I had something similar happen to me about two years ago. A guy and I went out one night (we’d been seeing each other for a month or two). We were drinking. I went back to his house planning to have sex with him (for the first time). We’re fooling around, and I asked him to get a condom. He starts trying to convince me that we don’t need one. All the while, he has his penis right at my vagina pushing towards me. I’m squeezing my legs together and telling him I want him to get a condom. He’s still convincing me and pushing inside me. Finally I gave in.

    I didn’t want to have sex with him without a condom. At that point, I didn’t even want to have sex with him. But he was much bigger and much stronger than me, and I knew he wasn’t going to back down.

    My brain didn’t really want to see that as rape. I mean, I went to his house to have sex with him. But I know that’s what happened.

    Thank you brain for trying to protect me from seeing the truth but we’re okay. We’re safe. I feel good being able to see the truth now.

    The really odd part is that one of my fantasies is being raped or at least being told what to do. So did I bring that on myself or not? I dunno. The other odd part is that this guy still contacts me from time to time, and sometimes I feel drawn to going out with him again. Something about being told what to do appeals to me. But I know in my heart that I don’t feel safe with him. I’d always know that he would look after himself before he would look after me.



  167.  #167Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 10:49 am

    RE 152 Luzydel I would definitely go with the one who respected me enough to pick up the phone. I have read somewhere where a guy being interviewed said he uses and sees texting as a means of avoidance so I view email the same way, unless I get a call after. Think of how long it takes to do both as opposed to just dialling a number. Unless you are interested in a text buddy.



  168.  #168Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 10:52 am

    “I’m a burgeoning extrovert and being with people energizes me.” (Pamelala)

    I am the opposite. Being alone energizes me, big time. I’m sure that’s part of why CDing isn’t really my cup of tea.



  169.  #169Lori on January 29, 2011 at 10:54 am

    My new mantra from “The List”:

    IF HE DOESN’T ADORE ME, HE DOESN’T DESERVE ME!



  170.  #170Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 10:57 am

    RE 152 By the way was the email specific with place and time? Is there anything in the email that causes you to feel special? Would you mind sharing the email to see if anyone gets some “vibes” from it? I just feel it is an indication of how the future will go if you have one together.



  171.  #171Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 11:11 am

    @SS

    I’ve had similar happen to me and yes, it’s all about power. And regarding the fantasy, IMHO that is just the opposite!!! because you can turn it on or off at will, your will, you have the power not the guy. So fantasy is OK if it serves you and is in your power…IMHO of course!

    Whatever happens in a fantasy world, it does not extend into real life; no always means “no.” You said it; that is enough.

    Whatever you did next, you knew to protect yourself…I believe young women are sometimes killed in physical resistance to rapes and during agressive sex acts. That doesn’t mean one should not resist; we must do what is best for us at the time.

    Bless you, girl. You survived! You survived to live and love. Please don’t go out with that guy again… If he has told himself that what he did was OK — IMHO again — he has, he could do it again.

    xoxo
    SLV



  172.  #172Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 11:16 am

    “by just focusing your intention for a few seconds, and breathing differently, you can dramatically alter your feelings for the better.” (Carol Allen via femininewoman)

    Yes! This is my experience. I notice that when I am feeling bad (sad, angry, worried, scared, etc.), I am actually holding my breath! When I pay attention to that, and start breathing again, evenly and adequately, my emotions shift and I start to feel better right away. Michael Brown says that holding your breath is a way of resisting feeling your feelings, and actually prevents the feelings from moving through you and resolving.

    Thanks, femininewoman, for sharing this.



  173.  #173Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 11:16 am

    @169: Lori says:
    “IF HE DOESN’T ADORE ME, HE DOESN’T DESERVE ME!”

    Wise words!

    xoxo
    SLV



  174.  #174T-Girl on January 29, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Ooh, I just thought of another great love song sung by a man:

    Wicked Game – Chris Isaak

    “No I, want to fall in love with you….”



  175.  #175Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 11:25 am

    “two complete people to join together for the greater glory of God.”

    I love this line!



  176.  #176Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 11:28 am

    “No you’re not ready for a relationship,” I told her. “Not if another person isn’t allowed to make a mistake, you’re not.”

    That’s really really good.



  177.  #177Luzydel on January 29, 2011 at 11:32 am

    My little girl has been with me all week so it has been hard to get
    anything done.
    How would you feel about lunch on Sunday … like maybe at a diner or
    some compatible place? Around 10:30 or 11:00?



  178.  #178Luzydel on January 29, 2011 at 11:35 am

    oops that was meant for 170: Femininewoman

    I pressed enter by accident. That was email guy.

    Phone guy just called me he also has his son but he said his friend can watch him for a few hrs.

    Set up the date with phone guy and will reschedule with email guy.



  179.  #179Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 11:35 am

    Darling Ella, thanks so much for sharing that chapter. There is so much in it!! Wow. Great stuff! Life-changing stuff.

    The concept of specialness…. Erika and I talked about that last year, and we agreed that “specialness” could be a factor in my shellfish allergies! Since that time, I have been releasing “specialness” from my ego… and I have some evidence that my shellfish allergies might be resolving. That feels miraculous to me. I don’t know if it is just wishful thinking, but I have a plan to safely test it by allowing myself to smell some shellfish from a safe distance and see if the typical reaction begins. I feel hopeful and excited about this.



  180.  #180Luzydel on January 29, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Email guy could call and in two weeks he did not, I went on a date last sat with another guy and email guy was MIA no calls or anything. Now I met phone guy and some how phone guy has bee stepping up. It is like he knows I have options.



  181.  #181Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Femininewoman –

    Thanks! I agree with what you wrote..

    I said.. ” I meant not like that” as in…. I have waited 2 years now to have sex at this point I joke that my hymen has grown back.

    I’m open to various degrees of making out and affection but, “not like that” was in regards to me and my standards, the situation with him clearly not being on the same standard I have for me.

    I met Aaron right after I broke up with J. I was still in love with J.. I went out Aaron twice. I just wasn’t in the place to date as I am now. A long time has passed when Aaron saw me again recently, I said, sure okay to going out and maybe reconnecting. Since I’m in a better place.

    (the old me.. may have seen him again. Not now)

    I do feel strengthened in a round about way.. from the experience and convinced to stick to my values and be ASSERTIVE about what I want and setting my boundries..

    TO put my feelings 1st!

    Not be concerned with their feeling or rocking the boat. More then putting my own needs first.

    **It’s odd to me that I feel selfish putting my needs first. But, it’s a feeling I have to honor and hope it will soon go from feeling to selfish to feeling like I respect myself.. and I’m worthy.

    I’ve been seeing a counselor for a year and when she had me practice being assertive. She roled played being manipulative and had me say no the scnerio (people asking to do something like ex: going out when I didnt want to) and me saying no it. She had me say no by- saying it my normal way…. and then playing it mean.

    Suprising, I thought I sounded mean when she thought thats when I sounded most assertive..

    So.. she told me to just put my feelings first and not fold..

    This even happens with girlfriends sometimes.. I fold and go places, I really don’t want to. But, it has gotten
    A LOT better!

    I’m getting better… This expereince will make me even stronger not harder.. Wiser and stronger 🙂



  182.  #182Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Becky and Luzydel, Simply Shannon – thanks

    This is a wake up call… it did get my attention. I’m sorry to hear it happens so much.

    I actually have a lunch date with a new guy named Jim and funny thing is we agreed to go to Micocina and have lunch.

    Then be brought up having their margurita’s…

    Little does he know. I’m not going to have a drink.

    – he even joked that he heard they are “dangerous”. This is a seperate guy and place but, this place is known for the best margurita in town.

    So, this will be good “asseritive” practice today.

    Life is already repeating itself and giving me the opportunity to put my needs first.



  183.  #183Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 11:50 am

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cytTA8rbVYE

    One of my favorite male love songs. “Fall” by Clay Walker. (I can’t look at his face though — it seems funny-looking to me. But I love the music and lyrics.)



  184.  #184Turtle Girl on January 29, 2011 at 11:51 am

    SS-

    You said:
    “The really odd part is that one of my fantasies is being raped or at least being told what to do. So did I bring that on myself or not? I dunno. The other odd part is that this guy still contacts me from time to time, and sometimes I feel drawn to going out with him again. Something about being told what to do appeals to me. But I know in my heart that I don’t feel safe with him. I’d always know that he would look after himself before he would look after me.”

    Many women have rape fantasies. I have often asked the question why? I think is is the total feminine energy parts of ourselves that want to be RAVISHED by a man wholeheartedly and have him make us come over and over and have it be mind blowing sex.
    But to do that we have to feel completely and totally safe and feel he is going to care for our safety and feelings first and foremost. Yeah being told what to do is an outgrowth of total surrender which I think we females long to do. But only if it’s safe.

    What you described feels borderline violent to me.
    He disregarded you request for safety (condom) and pushed his will on you. This feels red flag to me.
    I had a man (sex for the first time with him) go immediately into pushing my head with force down on his cock and he could have cared less what I wanted or needed. Now this guy of yours did not do that, but it has the same feel of force/power over you and not respectful of you.

    I have had a lot of sex in my time and in my humble opinion men show you who they are outside the br by the way they act inside the br. Every lover’s style, use of power etc always shows up when it comes to sex. It is weird that way. Usually men who are considerate of me and want to please me in bed are also that way out of bed and the reverse is true.

    Thank you for posting this experience. I find it very though provoking and helpful. xxoo



  185.  #185Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Shannon, I reread fb college guy’s email from almost a year ago where he told me about his marriage ending and his affair… And, bearing in mind what you wrote, I feel good about his balanced perspective and acceptance of responsibility, as well as the deep regret he expressed about his own actions.

    I realized that having the knowledge of his affair in the back of my mind in an unresolved way (for me) has been part of what has held me back from really wanting to connect with him. I feel more open now than before.

    Things unfold and evolve so slowly and gradually sometimes, don’t they?

    Thanks again for your input.

    <3
    Lucy



  186.  #186Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    FW,

    RE: #148 – You said, “Did you know that someone standing within ten
    feet of you can feel your feelings, even if you’re
    doing nothing to show them? This has been proven in scientific studies.”

    Deep stuff! I like the one about awakening our spirits, too!

    I wonder if one reason Ryan is keeping our friendship to phone contact only is because I read his emotions so well when we are together in person. LOL! He was ridiculous sometimes how he’d hide his face with his hand, or turn his back! LOL! I got his number, and he knows it! It’s just that he confuses me, cuz he tries to cover his emotions.

    I feel so happy he is back at me as a friend. I still feel frustrated that it’s by phone only. I have been giving him authentic feeling messages right along, so he knows what I’M feeling. But I don’t have much of a compass to go by right now as to what HE’S feeling.

    I can’t decide what to do about that, if anything. I am considering at the very least to not be so available when he contacts me. That has happened a couple times in the recent past, and I think it’s a healthy thing for this stage. Miss Overfu(cktioner needs to lean WAY back!



  187.  #187Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    Eternity,

    RE: #21 – Andi on the blog has been getting over a long term, long distance relationship too. I extend my posts to her to you also. They are in the last couple of threads of the blog:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/uncategorized/free-teleclass-tonight/comment-page-22/#comment-90962

    and

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/in-the-newscelebrities/new-rori-raye-6-week-you-get-love-teleclass/

    All you need to do once you go to those threads is click EDIT, FIND on the toolbar, and type in Andi’s name.

    I don’t mean to be impersonal with you, but I would feel silly to repost all of what I just posted for her about the pain of a long distance relationship. I understand that it is a real pain because I have been there…

    Hugs, Brenda



  188.  #188Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 12:24 pm

    Eternity,

    RE: #21 – Andi on the blog has been getting over a long term, long distance relationship too. I extend my posts to her to you also. They are in the last couple of threads of the blog:

    “Free Teleclass Tonight”

    and

    “New Rori Raye 6 Week You Get Love Teleclass”

    All you need to do once you go to those threads is click EDIT, FIND on the toolbar, and type in Andi’s name.

    I don’t mean to be impersonal with you, but I would feel silly to repost all of what I just posted for her about the pain of a long distance relationship. I understand that it is a real pain because I have been there…

    Hugs, Brenda



  189.  #189Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Omgsh –

    This is soooo strange a guy from the 2nd place I went to with Aaron. Just sent me a text message, I asked .. who was this? And he said, I was at Chill…

    All I remember about that guy is he said he was on something and then one of the people in his group knew Aaron. So they hung around us.. ICK!!

    I bet someone did put something in a drink.. Either way… That is wierd. I’ve never given anyone else my number on date with someone else..

    Moving forward, Glad that is a piece of the past..



  190.  #190Boomer on January 29, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Oh, Alicia. My heart just goes out to you. I will not repeat what these wonderful women already have said to you….I think you got some terrific insights, and I am thinking of you and sending positivity.

    I’m new here, but I’m starting to feel I know some of you. It’s a safe and good place, isn’t it?



  191.  #191Boomer on January 29, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Regarding Circular Dating….ugh. I logically get the point. Stay busy. Be busy. Practice the tools. Build confidence. Develop my feminine magnetism. I get it. ***But I do not even like most of these men.*** And…this is hilarious/sad…the ones I clearly don’t dig and am trying not to encourage totally are chasing me. And it is not lost on me THAT is just what I need to do with the man/men I DO like. But when these guys I met once who are totally into me text me constantly and ask when they can see me again, I just don’t know what to say or do. I feel irritable. I feel distaste. I feel HOUNDED. (Maybe it’s a light-shining lesson for how I may be hounding the men I actually like–or how they feel hounded by my own reaching out?) Wow, I am expecting these CD men to be cool and have restraint when I don’t have any myself!

    The “distaste” is similar to what I said in the previous thread about the man Davis I am seeing (was seeing–no word from him all week)…when he acts all girlie and weepy about his kids or his stress at work…is this my clue that men with “too much” (for me) feminine energy is a trigger for me? Is this why I go for the very masculine energy-types of men?

    So, my question is do I HAVE to keep talking to these men I don’t dig–in the interest of keeping the CDing going–and encouraging them with accepting their phone calls and second dates (or even first dates) if I KNOW I don’t dig them? What do I owe them by way of a “no thanks” so as not to feel like a creep who ignores them in hopes they’ll just get the hint and go away? I know how terrible it feels to be ignored after what you thought was a great first date (and I generally give them a great first date–I give them a chance and I am kind). I don’t want to be cold like that to someone else.

    I’m a single mom of four — I get 54 hours every two weeks where I am not responsible for children. Presumably I need to sleep some of that time, right? I just don’t want to spend my precious free time with these men I do not feel connected to in any way other than friendship (and honestly not even that most times) when I also need to make time for girlfriends and the gym and my own down-time (dating myself, I suppose).

    I’m sure this question has been asked dozens if not hundreds of times on here…and been addressed…but really, I find dating exhausting under good circumstances. It seems to just stress me out get gussied up for men I am not that into.

    And the perennial question, why do men I am not attracted to adore me? I’m sure the answer is in the whole conundrum we’re here to study–how to get the men WE DO want to want us–but I am just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.

    Boomer



  192.  #192Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Boomer, I hear you!

    I struggled with this, too, until I very recently found this comment from Rori and realized that Rori totally supported my own viewpoint and gut feeling on this issue:

    “We’re not talking about starting out with a man we don’t even want to kiss – we’re talking about pleasantness versus bells ringing here.” (Rori)

    I have struggled for a long time on here with the whole chemistry question, but reading this post I realized that what *I* call “chemistry” is what *Rori* calls “pleasantness”….

    (and what *Rori* calls “chemistry” is what *I* call “lust.”)

    I felt very excited reading this! It made me realize I am totally on the right track in the chemistry/attraction area, and always have been.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/relationship-chemistry/

    <3
    Lucy



  193.  #193Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Hey, everyone – have a happy Saturday!! Alicia I hope you are okay, and I think you may be downplaying this – I’ve totally been date raped, or just given in/up cuz the man acted like he’d DIE if I didn’t…smile…and it’s not the same level of trauma, for me, as a violent stranger, but it surely isn’t a sign of respect either!

    Does someone else know this guy’s full name and address? And you kept the email – I’d definitely forward it with all the info I had on him and a description of what happened (I know this might feel bad and triggering….) but with some random guy calling you – and you’re so pretty!….

    I’d take some preliminary steps – maybe even cc him on the email and send it to the police if you even get one more contact from him or any of his crowd?

    It doesn’t always work, but with agressive bullsh**ters the only way I’ve ever found to deal is to SLAM the crap out of them as hard as I can the very first moment – otherwise they may well believe they can terrorize you….

    Please let us know you’ve told someone who can do something???

    (((((hugs))))))

    Jacqueline



  194.  #194PrairieGirl on January 29, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    #190 Boomer

    OMG you took the words outta my mouth… I hear ya… it was that very fact that made me lose it this week… A CD that I got hacked off on the way to meet him for lunch because I knew I was NOT into him… I’m 46, twice divorced, single mother of 2… I know what I want… I don’t need to date strangers to verify what I’m “in” to…

    I too, get the purpose behind CDing, to keep me from zeroing in on any one guy and wanting to put him in the cage, but FU@K! I know what I want, who I like, I’m ready to just like someone I like who likes me back… no games, no pretending (convincing myself by dating around) I don’t like him….

    I’m the wrong person for advice, I’m really interested in hearing what others say.

    PG



  195.  #195Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    Lucy and Hi! Boomer and all…

    you’ve got something special in the chemistry dept! and wow! Garden guy popped up…lol…the first one I remember…

    I’m so glad you found this and also that it sounds like you might find more of what you’re looking for because of it???

    Talk later,
    J



  196.  #196Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    PS – Boomer, my friend says it’s cuz the one’s we don’t like, we treat them like we ought to treat the one’s we do like…and they’d come running…

    lol…



  197.  #197Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Wow
    ok feeling frustrated.
    Do I need to MOVE to meet cool guys?
    the guys around here have like one line profiles.
    The guys in the next biggest centre (two hours to the west) look like they have HIRED people to write thier profiles and do thier pics.
    The guys in the city look like freakin GODS and totally have cool interests and pics of them all over the world!
    GAWDAMMITSOMUCH!!!!!
    Why are there no cool guys around here?
    I dont’ wanna have to move……..but my CDing is crap.
    Now I feel mad.
    Stupid no men podunk back woods little town.



  198.  #198Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    ok
    self esteem dip moment.
    Damn….WHY does every guy on pof say they are fit and active and want a woman who is the same?
    Um…I get no couch potatoes…………but I HATE the gym.
    Now I feel like I’m not gonna be able to keep up with the cool guys.
    frig again



  199.  #199Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    @Brenda

    Here’s something for the girls, straight from the pages of the CL personals M4W.

    …Calling Dee and Cee… 😆

    CL ad subject line:
    ——————————

    PLEASE MESSAGE MY NIPPLES!

    xoxo
    SLV
    P.S. now you see why having a sense of humour is a requirement for my sweetie…



  200.  #200Daria on January 29, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    “What if I told you that the greatest barrier
    to you meeting the man of your dreams and having
    a passionate life with him has to do with what
    you’re keeping locked in your heart?

    I’m talking about all those times you don’t
    reveal your true feelings to a man for fear that
    he might not like you, or he might think you’re
    too high maintenance, or he’ll take off after
    another woman?

    Old habits need to be undone. You don’t need a
    theory; you need a PRACTICE. And that’s where
    Circular Dating comes in.

    You’ll see why Circular Dating is the perfect
    way to practice revealing your true feelings to a
    man in a way that makes him wild with attraction
    for you and willing to give up his single
    “freedom”.

    Why? Because when you date lots of different
    men – INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY THOSE YOU MIGHT NORMALLY DISMISS- you are able to practice revealing your true feelings. The more you do
    this, it will become second nature and you’ll be
    able to do it even with the man who will really
    set your heart aflutter.

    You will be able to see how men respond to
    your new way of relating, and you will grow more
    confident about how speaking your truth doesn’t
    push men away; in fact, it brings the RIGHT man
    closer – and faster than you ever dreamed
    possible.”



  201.  #201Daria on January 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    CD is NOT ONLY to NOT get invested !

    It’s to PRACTICE SPEAKING OUR TRUTH!! in a non blaming way!

    when we are able to consistently speak our truth in the moment, in feeling messages,

    we will attract and keep attracted super duper men and INCLUDING the guy who will want to be with us

    if we were good at telling this truth, we would pretty much ALREADY have our relationship!

    so if we are single, we need to practice…

    ESPECIALLY with men that we might not feel like we are “into”… becuase that makes good feeling message, non-judgemental, truth telling practice!



  202.  #202Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    hey D….was that for me?



  203.  #203Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Thanks, Jacqueline. Yes, I feel better about the whole process now. 🙂

    I misinterpreted this for a long time: “INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY THOSE YOU MIGHT NORMALLY DISMISS” (Rori) … SO relieved to finally realize she didn’t mean what I thought she meant!



  204.  #204Daria on January 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    are you comfortable saying stuff like:

    i don’t really feel attracted to you…

    i feel uncomfortable hearing that…

    that feels weird to hear…

    i feel weird saying this, but i don’t feel good thinking that you’ll have a missing tooth forever… i wonder if you plan on getting it fixed… what do you think?

    i feel angry… i don’t want to hear about another woman

    i feel disappointed… i was looking forward to our date and now it seems like it’s not going to happen

    i feel a little drained listening for so long…

    etc.

    THESE ARE SCARY TO SAY!

    these are all things to practice saying tho those men we normally dismiss!

    that feels weird… i don’t want to plan dates

    i don’t drive to men… i feel more comfortable when the man comes to me

    etc etc



  205.  #205Daria on January 29, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Jenninfer – no it was general on the Why we CD topic



  206.  #206Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    ok….it fits for me though…so I’m gonna take parts.
    I do feel REALLY uncomfortable saying “I dont’ feel attracted to you.”
    REALLY
    UNCOMFORTABLE
    And to comment on someone’s missing tooth!?!?!!?!?
    OH GAWD! I’d die.
    I guess I can work on that.
    I’m more apt to just stop returning phone calls.
    I guess that’s kind of a douche bag thing to do.
    Oh look. I’m juding me again.



  207.  #207Daria on January 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    I feel triggered thinking Rori did mean what Lucy thought she meant…

    but i don’t know exactly what she thought she meant

    anyway i go out with all men that want to see me… as long as i don’t feel scared or angry at them

    i am getting better at communicating and opening even to the ones that i used to feel drained by… i now speak up more in the moment of my feelings and wind up feeling less drained



  208.  #208Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    @196: Jennifer says:
    “…Why are there no cool guys around here?
    I dont’ wanna have to move……..but my CDing is crap. Now I feel mad…”

    If “having the relationship I want” were a priority (it is now for me) I’d move in a heartbeat.

    Or, find a way to be in the targeted city on the weekends. I am real serious about this. Do you have friends who could put you up on the weekends?

    Or, Find a nice little bed and breakfast or an “empty-nest” widow with a spare bedroom. It could be a little adventure!

    I know Rori discourages LDR but an hour or two on a train is not that far, I spend an hour each way just in same city commutes.

    xoxo
    SLV



  209.  #209Daria on January 29, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    I had to commetn on Weekend CD’s missing tooth. right now.

    i did it well. he wants to get it fixed. boy.

    it’s the second time i commented. the first time was REALLY scary 2 years ago when i met him… i finally had blurted out… “what happened to your teeth!!!”

    lol



  210.  #210Daria on January 29, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    Jennifer I also stop returning phone calls. I don’t see it as douchy.

    I see it as me following my feleings. as in i see phone ringing with name, i feel drain, i move away from it

    eventually i wind up answering when my energy feels more open to it



  211.  #211Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    See?
    Now here’s where I get wierd…er.
    Daria stops returning phone calls, I read about it. I think “Hey D…this is cool. You follow your feelings.”
    Then I think about when *I* did it. And I’m like “GEEZUS JEn…….why are you not giving a poor bastard another chance? He’s human, stop being such a btch”

    Odd.
    Weekends in the city might be nice.
    Interesting idea SLV.



  212.  #212Jennifer on January 29, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Boo-urns
    Now here’s a guy who’s only 45 min away. And I feel like I can’t be cool enough to contact him.
    I gots no rock star vibe today.
    Like he talks about his neice and nephew….I LOVE that.
    My nephew bit me last night. He’s 20 months old. But I still feel like the sun comes out when we play “skinamarink”



  213.  #213Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Re 186 Brenda maybe that is why he is hanging around and I do believe that they hide their emotions. That is the reason they go in their caves.
    Remember we need to lean back in our psychic energy also, for me that is the hardest. I get the sense that you might not have done that in that area as yet?



  214.  #214Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Re 181 Alicia says “**It’s odd to me that I feel selfish putting my needs first” This is normal for us females because we are such giving creatures. Guys however have no problem putting themselves first that’s why they march to their own drum beat, they do what they want, and they do things on their own timetable. Reason I have given up being a convincer, even on my job.



  215.  #215Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    RE 178 Luzydel IMHO phone guy seems to be showing that he values you more. Your degree of difficulty might have been felt by him a little more than the email guy. I would go with phone guy, maybe even ignore the email so I become mysterious to email guy.



  216.  #216Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    For me, the CDing practice I needed was with expressing my feelings in a Non-Blaming way… I have always been able to express my feelings but I needed to learn to take responsibility for those feelings when expressing them, instead of making them about the other person.

    I have also been practicing that with my kids, my parents, and on the blog.



  217.  #217Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    Daria:

    My sweet fellow Dacian Goddess Daria…U need some “chicha” time…Come up to PDX pronto !!!!

    Miss u 🙂

    P.S. Would u answer u phone if I call? 🙂



  218.  #218Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 3:51 pm

    Slv # 207:

    I just figure it out what my problem is…I need me a train…I miss being on a daily train commute…U know??? Makes u keep things in perspective…appreciative…u see people …all kinds of people…and u really don’t have to talk to nobody…just observe, contemplate…reflect…Hmm…:)

    Warm hugs,



  219.  #219Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Boomer,

    RE: #190 – You asked, “It’s a safe and good place, isn’t it?”

    We are not perfect. So if you take the meat and leave the bones, it’s a safer-than-average place! We try! Or at least most of us do most of the time! 🙂



  220.  #220Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #199 – LOL! You’re naughty posting naughty stuff all the time! 😆



  221.  #221Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    @217: Darling Ella says:
    “…I need me a train…just observe, contemplate…reflect…Hmm…:)…Warm hugs,”

    Hugs, DE. Train rides do give “head time” in a way that driving doesn’t. Also I get a lot of insight and deciphering “messages” on my daily walks. Bicycling is great too…maybe the best…that whoosh of air clears out the cobwebs! I haven’t had a bike in a while…maybe time to think about it this spring.

    I hope you are well and the relationship you want is right around the corner.

    xoxo
    SLV



  222.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    @219: Brenda says:
    “…SLV, RE: #199 – LOL! You’re naughty posting naughty stuff all the time!…”

    Yeah, but only the fun stuff…not too naughty… except maybe the “flying Wallendas” 😆 if you caught a quick glimpse of them…did you?

    BTW, you should talk… 😉 Ah, life…fun… 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  223.  #223Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #204 – I feel uncomfortable hearing that. That feels weird to hear. I feel weird saying this, but I don’t feel good thinking that you’ll have greasy hair forever… I wonder if you plan on washing it? What do you think?

    Just practicing…and just teasing. 😆



  224.  #224Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Alicia I have heard a coach say that guys go to bars and they do “the energy scan” and they pick out the girl with stuff flying and bubbling all over the place and she is the target for the night. It just occured to me to ask you if you have every asked anyone how you come across, what do you “radiate”, what does you body language say? The article here that might have a similar theme is the “Are you a Man Magnet or a Sex Magnet”. Do you think the experiene could be viewed in that context?

    Sometimes we even get stereotyped for things that we are not aware of. My children’s piano teacher years ago told a teenage girl to stop sucking her finger. Her reasoning was that guys could look at that and assume that she was “easy”. Needless to say both I and her was shocked, but that was that woman’s wisdom so I kind of filed it in the back of my mind.

    Remember guys date a lot so they see a lot of different things with different women. I believe in the dating world they know what to expect more than we do because the volume of experience is greater.

    Please take this as an attempt to explore things that might not be obvious to the “naked eye” and an attempt to explore all avenues that might help us all here. I believe in having a bag full of arsenal that can help us survive in the game, we cannot be ignorant of any of their devices or vices.



  225.  #225Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Lucy #179

    I feel happy that you liked the chapter…and that you were inspired by it…:)

    I admit, this book is like my “little” bible…my awesome friend…Her writing connects for me the missing dots between the “world’s view” and “God’s view of living”…From reading the Bible, more often than not…I feel judgment…I guess, my own judgment;…But, Marianne does an amazing job in making the transition beautifully in a nonjudgmental way and a very loving way…Each chapter stands alone and deals with different aspects of life…I can read it over and over again…:)

    Another of her books that I strongly recommend..is Enchanted Love…I felt shocked/yet amazed how she started her book bringing examples of love stories from mythology…and then how she transitioned to God’s view of love…Beautiful 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  226.  #226Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    Lol Brenda.



  227.  #227Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Darling Ella, thanks for the book info. <3



  228.  #228Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    I feel weird saying this, but I don’t feel good thinking that you’ll have a beer belly forever… I wonder if you plan on getting rid of it. What do you think?

    😉



  229.  #229Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Fem Woman,

    RE: #213 – You asked, “Remember we need to lean back in our psychic energy also, for me that is the hardest. I get the sense that you might not have done that in that area as yet?”

    As in, not say all I sense? I have really grappled with what to say and not to say. My struggle has been, embarrassed to say, that he lies at a deeper level than I ever imagined anyone would lie.

    I’ve dealt with people in prison going on 22 years, and I’ve made it my policy to not let liars get too close. But I was so in love with Ryan, and I excused him because of his schizophrenia.

    I was on my toes every second around him, discerning what was truth and what was lies. His words often flat out contradicted his body language and eyes. It was just really weird to navigate that when I was so shaky on basic dating skills to begin with.

    So I compensated by bringing out everything into the light that I could every moment. I see now it was a mistake. But like I said…

    It gets weird times ten when the thing he’s lying about is his attraction level! If one week a man is gazing at you with tears in his eyes, saying, “I care for you, Brenda”, and the next week he’s saying, “I told you, it’s just a friendship. I’m not in love with you,” it can really mess up your heart. It violates your intuition, trust, and love.

    He surprised me like crazy reuniting our friendship last Sunday. I feel scared that he is just setting me up to hurt me again. So I am doing my best to KEEP him out of my heart this time, and just not let him get close. Just think of him as a casual friend.

    Now I probably said too much. Oh well.



  230.  #230Becky on January 29, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Lucy!

    Thank you for writing this comment by Rori. My own experience has been that as time goes on, I really do find better and better guys in the sense that they feel more of like who I’m actually looking for inside and out, and although I haven’t Mr. Right just yet, I am able to politely decline a lot of men knowing that there is a total lack of connection there, but I am able to give the ones who seem nice at least the chance to go out on three or four dates and kiss and by then, if there’s still no chemistry, I tell them we can be friends. That way, when we’re still friends, I haven’t let any of my options go and if I really missed a gem, well, he’ll still be there 🙂 But, God only knows if I’m going about all of this the right way lol. God or Rori 🙂



  231.  #231Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    Me like teasing…:) Me like seeing other Sirens having a sense of humor…even more, while using feeling messages…:)

    Warm hugs,



  232.  #232Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    You’re welcome, Becky, glad it helped!

    I stay friends with every guy, too. Most of them become my friends on fb at some point, and I feel good about that. It leaves the door open for them to impress me with something I missed – and it also gives them the opportunity to learn a little bit more about who I am without me actually having to date them (lol) — and hopefully then they can become in agreement with me that we just weren’t a good match.



  233.  #233Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    @227: Lucy says:
    “…I feel weird saying this, but I don’t feel good thinking that you’ll have a beer belly forever… I wonder if you plan on getting rid of it. What do you think?..”

    I probably need practice in this area. I am a firm believer in “practice”/getting better and better while “working toward” things.

    How about:

    “I feel embarrassed to ask but can you see your feet when you stand up?”

    😆

    Maybe I wouldn’t ask that because I think I would not like a guy to ask me that. BTW, I can see my feet!!!

    As it is now, I’d probably only discuss my going to gym if he was asking about interests. Maybe he’d plan a gym date with coffee after…maybe?

    Coffee and we “could cupcake?” Tee hee, I learned that from Daria.

    xoxo
    SLV



  234.  #234Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Yes Brenda you did say too much, but guess what, now the dynamic of the relationship is clearer. When I refered to lean back in psychic energy I meant the amount of time and energy you put into “thinking” about him. It seems from what you wrote when you were around him that energy was focussed on his eyes, words and body language to deconstruct him, not necessarily to understand. I know men do not like it when we are laser focussed on them. Attration drops as a result, been there done that, never going back.

    On another vein, I am now wondering if you are attracted to liars? If so have you ever explored why that might be? I suspect you might differ to the schizophrenia being the reason for the lying, but I am wondering if that is the really the reason? Do you think it might be something worth exploring?



  235.  #235Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    aaargh, slv beat me to it…but anyway, ahem….if something sticks out past the beer belly, I don’t care.

    I just love me a hefty man, makes me feel so skinny…har

    And, I thought you meant me Lucy – heeee….and I must say OMGOSH one year coming up with no period and I have a dent under my boobs again…going in an hourglass all the way to mid stomach….oh boy oh boy oh boy….it’s gonna happen, my beer belly was a figment of the pause and my relatively tiny waist is coming back.!!!!!

    I might faint from joy…and wow, high waisted jeans coming back to – and when you’re 5’8″ ALL jeans cut the crotch. I am so excited I just got a pair at Burke’s Outlet that actually for reall come all the way up and around my waist – I had to go up a size, but I look about 30 pounds thinner and 10x better!

    And my cool new little pedicure place does paint toenails only for $5.00 – unheard of these days – so I’ve got great jeans, hot pink toes and am chillin and fillin pretty dang great!

    Have you ever had a wish sandwhich?



  236.  #236Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    two pieces of bread and you WISH you had something to go with it…

    or a jam sandwhich – two pieces of bread jammed together….

    my boyfriend’s helping here…lol…



  237.  #237Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    RE 229 Becky practice makes perfect. That is why we can all talk about guys with pick up lines. They practice using them until one girl falls for it. Once one falls for it they keep practicing with other girls and using more of those lines. CD for us is practice being with men and learning about their stuff.
    At least that is how I view it.



  238.  #238Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Brenda – I think it’s interesting and consistent with the whole story; I hope you always feel safe sharing the/your truth….



  239.  #239Lena on January 29, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Hallo, girls!

    I feel down today. Received a password from the book though.

    My heart aches and I am soooo tired of being stuck like this. When he wants he txts, when he doesnt – he doesnt. No warmth, etc. I wish I could just STOP thinking about all this – its such a pain in the a++!



  240.  #240Lena on January 29, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    PS – Yes, its true – i just want to grab him and shake him like a sack of potatoes! Wake him up and kick his ass for being all this way.



  241.  #241Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    ps Darling Ella – you are beautiful and so artsy looking!!



  242.  #242Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Lena – turn your phone off….it’s a trick I use like he can’t reach me even if he wanted to! but sigh….if there’s no message when you turn it back on (secretly obsessing) it’s twice as bad.



  243.  #243Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Lena remember Rori says men do what they want and they assume you do the same.



  244.  #244Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    RE 239 Lena it seems its time to read the Stop Sign article again. As well as the comments above in 148 and 149. They might help you put things in perspective.



  245.  #245Lena on January 29, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    FM – Yes! Most probably he thinks its ok to treat me all this way – I am ok. But I dont know how to say that it truly hurts me. I am scared to say anything to him. If I will ignore him now and than appear as if nth happend – it will be really a signal – its all fine with me…



  246.  #246Lena on January 29, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    I want to say I am sad and hurt that we are just messeging and he doesnt call me anymore. Its like talking through a small hole in the fence where I can see only an eye or nose or mouth. I feel so confused when he is not holding my hand but thigh! I dont want to be a friend with benefits. Making love is sacred to me. Its only between two people who love each other and are in serious relationship.

    I miss how he were with me so much.



  247.  #247Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    @165: T-Girl says:
    “…Ooh, and one of my all time favorites:
    Behind Closed Doors – Charlie Rich..”

    *****************************
    “Behind Closed Doors” – CHARLIE RICH
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyoPaVxMyWY

    xoxo
    SLV



  248.  #248Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Lena I just reread your previous post. Do I read it correctly, the relationship is only 2 months old? Have you discussed what you want with him? Did he indicate he wanted a committed relationship? Are you both on the same page as to what the “relationship” is? These are things you might wish to explore if he brings up the topic, it might not help if you do.

    Another concept I have heard of is that he takes his cues from you how to treat you. If guys ignore us and we keep moving towards them and pining over them, my understanding is that they take that as our signal that it is okay for them to ignore us.
    Feeling messages I have learnt here are “I want a real relatonship where a feel cherished” “I want a relationship with a man who wants me. I want to feel romanced and I feel ignored and disconnected when there is no communication”. Feeling messages are best shared face to face. “I feel happy and loved when we are together but I get scared when I hear nothing from you”. “I would feel happy to get a little note from you during the day to know you are thinking about me…..” Tweak them to what feels comfortable for you. There are others here that are experts at this.



  249.  #249Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Remember to be careful about using actual Feelings…

    “hurt” and “ignored” are kinda blamey…

    what are the real Emotions underneath….?



  250.  #250Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    RE 245 Lena that sounds like your heart speaking and it also reflects your standards. You might wish to establish boundaries around these and communicate them. If you communicate them and do not stick with them the man cannot respect you is what I have learnt. This is giving him some direction of how to act around you. The state of the relationship is important also.



  251.  #251Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    RE 245 “hurt” communicates blame is what I am reading in 248. In other words you hurt me and should not be used.



  252.  #252Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    @234: Jacqueline says:
    “… one year coming up with no period and I have a dent under my boobs again…”

    Sounds like you made across the desert of perimenopause! Whew! 😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  253.  #253Lena on January 29, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Thank you, Lucy and FM- that why I wrote it here, so I can adjust it and look deeper.

    FM – yes – its 2 month old – still a baby:)
    I told him from the start that I want a serious relationship to end in marriage. He was an initiator of a committed relationship at first as what I understood as an answer to that. Than we had that fight and it all got tangled. I dont know if we are on the same page but some things he does – scare me. I do have a feeling he follows my lead in this and maybe really thinks its comfortable for me to be at a distance. I dont know how to show I am NOT in a way he will get it. After the fight he kept telling me that he doesnt know how to be together without hurting each other – that he wants to be with me but doesnt know how. Than I suggested to take it slow but I really dont like this hand on my leg things and messaging from time to time – it confuses me a lot. I really do want him to romance me, so I will feel secure.

    I dont want to give him a wrong signals – but I also dont know how to communicate all this anymore. I understand I cant txt things like this – it might confuse him even more. I dont contact him today because even simple Hi seems like a fake because I have so much inside of me.



  254.  #254Pamelala on January 29, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    My computer died and it’s tough to read the blog so I have to sign off for a few days while it gets fixed. Have been triggered all day and broke down and sobbed at our staff retreat – it helps that the whole staff is counselors, but now they are worried about me.

    I feel fragile. My CD1 is coming over to sit w/ me and talk. It feels good that he’s willing to see me at my worst. I’m going to do my best to just lean back and receive from him.

    Looking forward to catching up on the goings on here. Thanks all for the music ideas!



  255.  #255Lena on January 29, 2011 at 5:45 pm

    Lucy – I am truly hurt with all this. I feel rejected and not appreciated. I feel angry too. I feel sad and I also miss him – if it all makes the sense… Am I heading in right direction digging to true feelings?

    FM – I am thinking about the boundaries… I really dont want to make love to him unless I will be sure he is commited to me as a bf. And if he is – I want him to treat me as a gf – to take care of me, etc.



  256.  #256LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    54: Alicia

    ***He emailed me to make sure I was okay after I told him I was feeling angry and concerned with my body’s physical reaction. ***

    I want to throw up
    I want to kill him
    He raped you, what the hell does he pretend he cares about your feelings?

    In our type of countries, it is part of men’s education to know they can’t touch another human body unless the person is fully aware of it happening, and has the total freedom and possibility to say yes or no.

    He knows he raped you, that’s what he likes, the abuse part of the act.

    Even if she is naked and even is she had sex with the man before, it does not matter, the woman can even be married to him, when she says no, it means no.
    Rape within marriage is also outlaw.

    What makes it a rape is that the woman said “no” or was not in a state to judge what is good for her or was not able to express her will.

    The other thing is that he took bacteria from the back door and put them into your front door (correct me if I got that part wrong)
    I want to kill him, he is a criminal.
    He can wash his hands or is penis afterwards, the bacteria are washed off the man’s body. But they stay inside the woman’s vagina and develop into health jeopardy.

    I feel like breaking everything around me and I feel powerless because I will not break anything and men will keep raping, infecting women, pretending the woman wanted it and she loved it.

    xxx



  257.  #257Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    SLV – I’ve been blood testing as done with menopause FSH levels for like 3 years….

    – how do you get no period for a year is perimenopause? That’s what my friends say is menopause is over! I know you didn’t tho –

    Anyway, whatever it is it’s getting better all the time!

    I ams so tempted to try some Suzzanne Sommers stuff, but my gyno was like you’re DONE, why take hormones NOW???

    Sigh…he’s such a buzz kill!

    lol

    j



  258.  #258LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    75: Alicia

    I wonder if it would help you to tell your friends it was not funny. To tell them your truth, that you laughed with them because you were overwhelmed and shocked but now you realize what you feel and it is not funny.
    I bet they will say that in reality they did not think it was funny. They felt shocked too.

    xxx



  259.  #259Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    @Jacqueline

    You know I meant:

    “made it across the desert…” Yeah, that hot one. Much nicer and cooler here in the garden.

    I’m listening to music vids and “adjusting my perspective” this weekend.

    xoxo
    SLV



  260.  #260LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Alicia 77
    *** I started to worry if he felt rejected. Is that normal?? After he emailed me.. ***

    Yes.
    You turn the situation around where he would be the one whose feelings would be ignored. You pretend you control the situation and you make up a friendship feeling with him.

    It would be useful if you were locked in his house. It would help you cope with the rape done over and over.

    But you are free, safe in your home, you don’t have to pretend the situation was normal and you don’t have to pretend he is being friendly with you.
    You are out of the situation and he won’t hurt you anymore because you won’t meet him anymore.

    You can feel your real feelings about what really happened.

    xxx



  261.  #261Lena on January 29, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    I am sorry Femininewoman – I misspelled it – its suppose to be FW:)



  262.  #262Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    LP – that was such a good way to put that! I thought the same – I am a absolute fanatic about no contact if you touch the beyond the v*gin*….

    when I first met my boyfriend, he was into like rubbing there or something – and hey, I would have just showered so let him do something I didn’t really want – and!

    and I ended up with recurring uti’s and on antibiotics for like 3 months. (that’s the longest time I EVER took antibiotics in my whole life!)

    It just does not happen in my world anymore – and in general, I jump up and wash immediately after “regular” sex and the dr. has me take one Bactrim after sex….it’s worked for years to stop my bad uti’s –

    but the germ part – so ugh and so REAL!!

    Glad you said it so well!



  263.  #263LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 5:52 pm

    188: Alicia

    Do you have the feeling a piece of the evening is missing in your souvenir?

    I feel scared now, you either gave your phone number to his friend in an episode you don’t remember or your date is passing your number to his friends for future rape sessions.
    I so want to kill that guy!

    I hope you will block all of them out of your life.

    xxx



  264.  #264Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 5:55 pm

    Jacqueline #240:

    Thank u for the lovely compliment 🙂 I feel like blushing 🙂 I am a “French spy”…how someone described me …:) lol

    Warm hugs,



  265.  #265Jacqueline on January 29, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    SLV – good for you chillin 2!

    I only had maybe 3 hot flashes ever, except for the horrors of a round stomach for the first time ever in my life and two years of wanting to eat only chocolate, and at the very end, really sore breasts…

    I hear I had it easy. And, I’d fought for years not to get a hysterectomy (cramps so bad I could not walk)…so yes! being across the desert, river or jumping the shark (lol) is fabulous!

    I’m about ready to say g’nite, too…

    hoping we hear from Alicia soon..

    and everyone have a good time or feel better, as the case may be?!

    Nite,
    J



  266.  #266Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    LonePlum:

    What country are u talking about? I am signing up…:(

    Day Rape? Marriage Rape? Hmm…had it all…

    Beautiful note for Alicia 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  267.  #267LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    From Rori

    “l have a question, too and it may sound as stupid as it is simple. When a man treats you bad is it HIM or ME? Meaning – was he born with (or been given) a natural ability to treat others bad or am l just a very low standard girl? Maria”

    Here’s my answer:

    Maria – men treat women badly for lots of reasons.  They’re angry and don’t know how to deal with it…they’re afraid…but it DOESN’T MATTER.

    If you ALLOW a man to treat you badly (assuming you’re not in a traumatic, helpless situation) – and this means ANY way that doesn’t feel GOOD and nourishing to you…then you must take responsibility for it.

    There are lots of old sayings about this… most of them are about blame and shame and fault – and I’d like to stay away from all that.

    We’re all here learning.  We’re all feeling our way through our lives, doing the best we can, experiencing being triggered all the time and feeling the pressure of our old habits and traumas and fears.  There’s just no point in assigning “blame.”

    It’s all about responsibility, and owning your experiences, owning your feelings, and being watchful that you are in good-feeling places as much as you can.  Trying to “analyze” a man so you can “understand” him often leads to making excuses for him and does you no good…

    There’s a song lyric:
    “Oh, oh, oh, you treat me badly…and I love you madly…you really have a hold on me…”

    When I think back on my love life – how this was me so much of my life – that I had no idea that a man I liked would truly want me – that the world was divided into men who wanted me that I didn’t want and men I wanted who didn’t want me (or only wanted me for now) – I see how this PAIN of love has been drilled into us.

    We were all raised on Torch songs.  We were all raised on hopeless romance.

    We were all raised to not RECOGNIZE bad treatment. To make excuses for it.  To find underlying, psychological reasons for it. 
    To blame OURSELVES for it – as though we provoked it (like so much you can read about what people think about Rhianna and Chris Brown – that she somehow is responsible for what happened to her by “provoking” him).

    As a crisis counselor helping rape survivors – it was just heartbreaking to see (and experience) the self-blame and self-torture women who’d been abused and been at the receiving end of violence took on themselves (ourselves).

    We think things are our FAULT.  And they’re not. 

    There is no “fault.”  Sometimes you’re at the wrong place at the wrong time – and sometimes the lesson (because you have to see EVERYTHING as a lesson in order to transform awful-feeling experiences into better-feeling one next time) – is to take better care of ourselves.

    The most major reason why we try to assign “fault” and “blame” is our need for CONTROL and MASTERY.
      When we’re in a situation that feels bad but we feel paralyzed and trapped and unable to move – the only way we can “compute” this in our brains is to say “It’s all my fault.” 
    At least, then, we have some kind of answer.

    But it’s NOT the answer.

    This is subtle, I know – talking about owning and responsibility as DIFFERENT from fault and blame – but i want you to really GET the difference here, because it’s actually HUGE.

    So – if a man is treating you badly – In a “minor’ way by not being present when he’s with you, or not calling, or not following up, or forgetting things, or paying too much attention to other women in the room, so many other ways men distance themselves, or test us, or simply display their decision to not care about us properly…or in a “major” way with insults, neglect, verbal abuse, physical abuse and cheating…then instead of looking for “fault” or “blame” – just ask yourself:

    “Why am I here?”

    Just make this your simple process:

    1. Experience – actually, truly, totally experience how YOU feel about YOURSELF when you’re with a man.

    2.  If it doesn’t feel good – notice it.  Write about it.  Speak it out loud to yourself – until you can put it together in words to speak it directly to him: “This doesn’t feel good.”

    3. Practice speaking this truth all the time – whenever things don’t feel good. 

    This is NOT about whether or not he takes out the garbage or calls you often enough to suit you.
    This is not about his behavior. 
    Not about what he does or doesn’t do. 
    This is NOT about making a man WRONG. 
    This is not about making YOURSELF “wrong.”
    This is simply about learning to quickly and honestly answer for yourself the question –

    “Why am I here?”

    When you can answer that for yourself no matter what’s going on – then you’ll get this whole, huge area we call “Boundaries.”

    Sometimes we are “here” because it’s what we’re used to. 
    Sometimes it’s what we “think” is right. 
    sometimes it’s what we were taught. 
    Sometimes we feel “compelled” to be here because of a strong chemical pull to a man, or because we’re afraid to be alone.

    It doesn’t matter what the answer is as much as how deeply we’re wiling to be honest with ourselves and tell the TRUTH.

    I know many women, and have worked with many clients who KNOW they are trapping themselves in a bad-feeling situation, and yet simply will not move away from that situation. 
    But, even though they’re not moving away from the bad-feeling situation and putting themselves into places where they have a better chance of experiencing good feelings – they are taking the baby-steps of answering the question –

    “Why am I here?”

    and really, really – as painful as it is – hearing the answer.

    In the end – it’s our choice, what we DO with the information we HAVE.  And the only information we have is about OURSELVES.

    So – if you are “here” – and it doesn’t feel good – that’s where we start.

    Love, Rori

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/page/4/

    xxx



  268.  #268Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    Alicia:

    My heart is with you. It is very courageous of you to talk about such a private and hurtful matter…and so soon…It took my years…:(

    I pray for quick healing for you…

    Warm hugs,



  269.  #269marina on January 29, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Just a quickie…

    Being at the Burlesque movie scene of Amsterdam Heavy was quite a nice experience 🙂
    Met some interesting people of the Dutch Burlesque crowd 🙂

    Still, I feel unsatisfied.
    I want to go back to school/study.
    All these fun things of the last few years start to feel more and more like just passing time and esp. distracting myself from what I really want. Or even like compensation…

    Probably sounds weird, but I want to CD myself through working on my future through studying…

    Perhaps I had an overdosis of fun things…. LOL
    So I will skip tomorrow mornings movie at the International Film Festival of Rotterdam and will only see a movie with my cousin in the afternoon.

    Also, need to reread on FM’s.

    One good thing: Every man is here to give me something 🙂
    It has been fun for the last couple of weeks to see and accept what guys (colleagues, friends, brothers, strangers) have to offer me (advice, rides, attention, flirting, being my bodyguard and compliments) 😀
    Thank you Universe,I like it very much!

    XXXX



  270.  #270Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    @256: Jacqueline says:

    The “man made” definition of menopause is when you’ve had no periods at all for 12 months. That is the magical mystical year, after which you are menopausal.

    Perimenopause is everything up until the end of that 12 months.

    Menopause is not OVER!! Unless your ovaries start popping out eggs again. 😆 Some people think “menopause” is over when perimenopause “symptoms” subside. Menopause is just beginning!!!!

    They speak that way because they are often thinking of using hormone type medication as a “treatment” for perimenopause symptoms,

    You can use hormones as a “supplement” anytime you choose. Your choice. Some people are very opposed; I am not.

    It’s very ironic the same people often are not opposed to dosing young women with super high levels of artificial hormone like birth contro l pills — I took them too for years — but same ppl get all crazed when women take low dose bio-identical hormones to assist endocrine system to operate in more optimum way.

    IMHO, I’d be getting a new gyno PRONTO! If some guy told me I was done with menopause, I’d just consider him a fool, sorry to be so blunt. Hell, I’d be of scared of him.

    Kiss, kiss and bye-bye, sweetcakes to him. 😆

    Read some Elizabeth Vliet, MD, woman, endocrinologist.

    xoxo
    SLV



  271.  #271Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    @Jacqueline

    Sorry, some typos more than my usual. That gyno guy is big trigger, SCARY!!!!! OMG.

    xoxo
    SLV



  272.  #272LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    From Rori

    So what, exactly, is a mistake, and what is a fair price to pay for making one?

    I’ve come to think of a mistake as thinking a little bit too hard about me.

    Sometimes what’s a mistake to one person is a boon to another, and some mistakes turn out to be lucky intuition, like the artist of any medium who forges a new road from his soul by mistakenly taking the wrong turn.

    I can think of every man in my life until my lovely husband as a mistake.
    I can think of every man in my life as some kind of lesson.
    As a stepping-stone, a passage.
    Or I can see that every man in my life was exactly right for me at any given moment, and all I needed to do was see his message.

    The message might have been Alright.
    Thank you for attending.
    Now you can move on.
    Or it might have been, I’m not supposed to go any further, please proceed without me.
    Or This is a very nice place to be, so sorry you’re not ready yet.
    I must have come across many men I couldn’t have, not because they wouldn’t want me, but because they knew I didn’t want me.

    How to tell the difference between the mistake, the mirror and the message?

    The mirror shows you where you are, the mistake shows you where you’ve been, and the message invites you to go where you want to be.

    I listen to them all, but I look for messages.
    Sometimes I can’t see them or hear them or feel them, because I’m too absorbed in the mirror, or too despondent over the mistake.

    The thing about messages is, in order to see them, you have to be still.
    In order to hear them, you have to be quiet.
    And in order to feel them, you have to be in your body.

    Mistakes are a loss of attention.
    They throw us off the gameboard into the sand trap.
    They’re us trying to take charge of the brave and thoughtful horse we’re riding, the horse who really knows the way, and steering him off course into the woods because we thought we saw a turn back there we missed.

    The fastest way out of a mistake is to fight.

    Going dead inside and numb and depressed gets us deeper into the quagmire.

    Fighting is recovering our self- esteem by topping accusing ourselves – How could I have done that? or denying responsibility – It wasn’t my fault! or taking on responsibility that isn’t ours – It was all my fault…or lying to others – I didn’t do that! or lying to ourselves – I don’t care!

    Fighting is saying Oh….. and then going down into that Soup of yuck and dread and pain and misery, and guilt, and everything we feel, until we touch love.

    Touching love feels like oh, I did that, and I feel love for that person, that thing, or myself, and I feel sad for the pain I caused them, or me, and I’m still a good person, and I still absolutely, completely, deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

    Touching love is all of a sudden stopping the resistance of that knot in your belly, and just feeling what you feel.

    It’s stopping smiling, blaming, counting, imagining, justifying, excusing, making up stuff, wishing, hoping, and everything else and just feeling the weight of not feeling good. For maybe a good solid moment.
    And then, getting back on the horse, and riding it out of the sand and onto the road.
    The moment you turn to the horse and say, I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind, time starts again, the weather starts again, and the message signs all around start blinking.

    A Message is another chance to pay attention.

    Another chance to dance with what shows up.

    Another chance to enjoy the moment.

    Another chance to catch another Message.

    And the message always is: There will always be mistakes, and mirrors and messages, because our lives are always moving, and we will never learn everything there is to learn.

    Sometimes the Mistake IS the Message.

    Love, Rori

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/targeting-mr-right/power-self-esteem/page/2/

    xxx



  273.  #273Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    Some Christian Carter wisdom
    Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #1

    Some men are too immature to be honest and
    straight-forward with a woman. Sometimes men are just being dumb and giving themselves ego strokes by flirting with you, even though they never really thought they’d call.

    But they get your number anyway to feel good and to have it “just in case” they get some random urge or reason to call you in the future. Plus, getting a woman’s number is a kind of “trophy” to show to other immature men.

    Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #2

    They were just looking for a hook-up, and you weren’t “fling” material (which is a good thing, unless that’s all you’re looking for). Oftentimes, men think they just want a woman to be “physical” with.

    If you’re out at a club or a bar and you meet a man, often he’ll have “hooking up” on his mind. Duh, right!?

    If you meet a guy like this and, in his eyes, you’re the girl he’d bring home to mom, then you might not be the girl he’ll want to spend his time with… at least for the near future.

    But in spite of this, he takes your number, in case he gets the crazy foreign idea in his head that he’d actually want a great girl for a real relationship.

    And guess what? He doesn’t come to that realization for a very long time – so he doesn’t call.

    I’m not saying it makes sense, but that’s how some men operate. And in a strange way, men who do his are doing you a favor at that time in their life.

    The timing wasn’t right.

    Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #3

    They thought they were being “polite” by getting your number, even though they never felt like calling. Have you ever given your number to a man who asked for it, meanwhile you were already dreading his call and wishing inside that you had given him a fake number?

    Exactly…And I know it sucks to think about this, but have you ever thought that the tables could be turned? See… if men enjoy their conversations with
    you but aren’t that interested, they sometimes feel a polite “obligation” to get your number.

    It’s a kind of way to end the interaction on a positive note… even though they never really thought about if they intended to call you.

    I know it stinks, but men aren’t often up front and assertive when it comes to the opposite sex.

    Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #4

    They were interested in you at first, but after a little while they started to feel like something was “off”… maybe even after they got your number. And, while you were trying so hard to create random reasons for you to see each other again, and to not have a guy get your number and not call again, they could sense your subtle fear and discomfort. So the attraction and connection they had just started feeling for you and had tuned into with
    you, changed and was “broken.”

    Why Men Don’t Call: Situation #5

    They lost your number or forgot to call. Plain and simple and that’s it. Ok, now let me ask you…

    Did you figure out what each of these situations has in common? I’ll give you a hint: It has something to do with your feelings. Give up?

    There are 2 things actually.

    First off, none of them have ANYTHING to do with you being a “loser”, like you mentioned. See, the fascinating thing is that in each of these situations, it’s YOUR CHOICE to make the MEANING out of them that you want. Unfortunately, it seems like the meaning you’ve chosen to make has been NEGATIVE.

    In other words, you’ve actually started to criticize yourself and think even more negatively because two guys didn’t pick up the phone and punch in your number. Talk about a way to make sure you keep
    screwing up and feeling bad about your love life.

    And worse, men can actually sense these things
    when you meet them and will instantly categorize
    you as a woman that they don’t want to be around
    if you’ve got that freaked out, negative, over-
    attachment to the casual conversation you’re having with them.

    Here’s the second thing each of these situations has in common…Of the ones that don’t involve men just being weird or “unavailable” for more than a casual
    fling, there’s a common theme going on.

    They weren’t FEELING ATTRACTION.

    See, there’s something I don’t think you know you’re doing here…You seem to know about an important concept when it comes to men – teasing and throwing in certain kinds of “challenges” to attract their interest and attention. But… there’s a huge difference between KNOWING what these things are and actually DOING them.

    The thing is, almost all women KNOW that they SHOULD tease and excite a man to dial up his interest. But when it comes to actually doing these
    things in a fun, consistent, and exciting ways, they fall short. Why? Because who wants to bother? And isn’t it better for someone to just like you for you?

    Maybe.

    But what if there’s a real and genuine “you” that men just need some help to see with so much other stuff going on? And what if you’re hiding that away because of your frustrations from the past or fears about what might happen in the present?

    Here’s a radical thought…With things not going exactly how you want the to go in your live life – imagine if you actually changed a few of YOUR everyday patterns of behavior with men to try and get a few different results. What are the odds that part of the common denominator here is YOU, and not that all men have the exact same problem or issue with calling back?

    Would it be too much to ask that you at least try a few different things that were outside of your “natural” comfort zone of what you’ve always
    done or what makes sense to you?

    I don’t think so… and you sound more than open to it and have a positive attitude. So, let’s talk about what those patterns are for you to break, and what to try instead that WORKS with men.

    CREATING “REASONS” FOR A MAN TO CALL YOU BACK

    Your email lets me know that you already “get” some of what to do, like teasing and being
    challenging, but that you don’t quite know yet how to put it to work in your dating life. Let’s change that. Here’s how…You need to start creating exciting reasons for a man to want to see you again.

    I’ll repeat that so you hear it again and take
    the time to let it sink in…You need to start creating EXCITING REASONS for a man to WANT to see you again. I’ll give you a minute to think about what
    that means…Ok, come back.

    There’s something lots of single women do when they meet guys and want to see them again. And, it makes it so that the man isn’t very interested or excited to re-connect with the woman afterwards. It’s when a woman tries to come up with any old reason under the sun to “re-connect” with a man, not realizing how important the “reason” actually is.

    It usually goes something like this…Woman meets man. Man and woman start to connect. They talk about “interesting” stuff and the woman becomes interested in the man. The man enjoys the conversation and talking to the woman, who’s a great person and seems attractive. The woman feels a connection and assumes that he must feel it too since it’s there for her. The man asks for her number and she kind of “lets down her guard” and becomes very friendly with him and feels comfortable. The woman then starts talking about the things that they can do together when they see each other next, based on the conversational topics
    they’ve had. The man’s attraction, intrigue, and interest in the woman suddenly drops off. End of story.

    So, what happened here? In short, the woman stopped doing the things she was “naturally” and subconsciously doing at first that made the man feel attracted to her, and instead started treating him like a sort of “best friend.” A friend of mine has a name for this…The “super-sized friend approach.”
    This approach is usually followed up by offers to do favors, run errands, or give gifts. Translation – ZERO ATTRACTION.

    And it’s further destroyed by trying any excuse, no matter how mundane, to make future plans together. See what’s happening here? And yeah, there are always exceptions to the rules.

    Women who are so naturally attractive to men, physically and “socially”, can and do take the more casual and friendly approach… and it works great for them. But we’re not talking about those situations. We’re talking about the situations where
    things, unfortunately, don’t fall into place so effortlessly. Ok, so back to creating “reasons” that
    actually get men to call back. Let’s start by talking about why the “reason” is so important… and then we’ll get into a specific example.

    The “reason” that you create, for a man to reconnect with you, is important because it builds the entire CONTEXT and MEANING in a man’s mind of how he thinks about you after he leaves…That reason you give is a large part of what determines, in his mind, HIS reason for calling, or not calling.

    So here’s how to create great “reasons” with a
    man…First off, stop making future plans with men
    for first dates around things that are BORING, everyday, and PREDICTABLE. Yes, trips to Europe can be fascinating, cool, sophisticated, cultural, and all kinds of great things. And yeah, talking about Europe, travel, sites, art history, etc. can interest a man intellectually. And I have to admit that traveling to Europe has involved some of the most romantic moments of my life. These are great things to talk about with a man in random conversations. But guess what? Planning a man’s trip with a man is NOT going to make him FEEL those romantic feelings with you just because you’ve become his travel guide. Planning travel can be looked at as a kind of chore for some people… especially men. In other words, you could hope that the romance of Venice or Florence rubs off on you somehow through some magic “transference” as you talk about them…Or…You could start doing the things that will make him FEEL ATTRACTED and romantically interested in YOU. You’ve got to remember…Attraction isn’t created by “logic.”

    A man doesn’t talk to a woman about Europe and
    become fascinated and sexually charged by her
    knowledge of the Duomo, the Sistine Chapel, or
    the fine wines of France’s Bordeaux region.

    **NEWSFLASH**

    Attraction doesn’t take place when a man thinks inside his mind, “Gee, she’s smart, cultured, well traveled, etc., I think I’m going to feel attracted to her.”

    That’s not how it works at all… just like that’s not how you become interested and attracted in men.

    It’s MUCH more in your subconscious. Think chemistry. So, can a man “reason” with you so that you feel ATTRACTION or CHEMISTRY with him?

    Didn’t think so. But he can DO things that will make you FEEL ATTRACTION, even if you’re not really “choosing” to be attracted to him. Well, it works the same way for men becoming attracted to women.

    And sure, the things that are “logically attractive” like travel in Europe don’t hurt…but they’re really just window-dressing for the things that are going on underneath the surface in our minds and emotions.

    What makes a man feel attracted is the EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE he has that a woman creates with him or guides him to. Attraction is a largely a SUBCONSCIOUS FEELING that comes in response to the unexpected, the unpredictable, and the things that can’t help but draw us in to connect in an emotional way. If you want a man to call back, give him a “reason” that’s interesting, unpredictable, fun,
    etc.

    But most importantly, it’s got to be a reason that will make him FEEL ATTRACTION for you. If you do something less predictable, like tell him…

    “Hey, since you’re going to Europe, if you’re good I’ll tell you a few secrets about what makes the French such great lovers… or great cooks…whichever you’re more curious about…”

    Now that’s sure to get a man’s attention…and keep it so that he’ll call you back. Notice that this still says everything you want to say to a man about wanting to connect with him again.

    But it does so in a fun, interesting, teasing,
    challenging, and unpredictable way that keeps him
    thinking about you and guessing.

    And, it does it without making him feel that you’re desperate to make sure that he’s going to call you – or that you’re just trying the “super-sized friend approach.”

    So, let me say it again…

    YOU NEED TO BUILD ATTRACTION TO GET WHAT YOU
    WANT.. whether it’s a phone call, a second date,
    or more.

    There’s one other thing that’s important you
    asked too…”Should I just not accept that he’s not going to call?” Here’s the thing…It’s important for you to have “boundaries” with men. It’s important for your own good, to help him know what’s fair game and what isn’t, and to lay some constructive framework for a future relationship.

    A key step in every growing relationship is to communicate what your personal boundaries are so
    that the other person can learn to respect them.

    But in situations where you don’t even know the person very well, it’s not as simple as just laying it out there. It’s also important that you don’t communicate these boundaries in a pushy, weird, needy, overly-sensitive way where men will instantly pull away from you. I know, I know… to lots of women this sounds like a contradiction.

    When they hear it they’ll think…

    “You mean I’m supposed to be “unpredictable”
    and create attraction, but I’m also supposed to
    be assertive enough to communicate my
    boundaries.” “This is too much hassle… I just want to be me, and if a guy doesn’t like it, then tough!”

    It’s no surprise that a lot of the women with
    this attitude (and men) are single and home alone
    on Friday nights watching Dave Letterman…And wonder why their relationships just seem to fall apart after a while… over and over.

    The truth is, communicating boundaries and
    creating attraction with a man are NOT mutually
    exclusive activities. AND… if you know how, these kinds of situations can become AMAZING OPPORTUNITIES to create attraction and GROWTH between you and a man.

    If you know how to communicate with a man in
    the right way, you can get the response that you
    want (attraction) AND communicate a clear message.

    Which in your case might be for him to respect your boundaries by calling if he says he’s going to call.

    But if you don’t get the subtle specifics of how to communicate with a man this way, then often times you’ll come off as pushy or “bitchy” like lots of other women do when they try to assert boundaries early on with men. Try saying something like this in a semi-serious way but with a smirk on your face…

    “You know, I might just decide to give you my number, but I’m not sure if you’re the right kind of guy yet – because I’m VERY PICKY and I only give my number out to guys that A) have their act together and B) are smart enough to know what they’re missing if they don’t call.” And then write down your number and hold it out for him to grab. But when he reaches for it, pull it away from his hand a little bit so he misses it…Then keep teasing him and ask him again with a wry smile on your face…

    “Well, do you have your act together? Because I really don’t have time for boys who don’t call…”
    This kind of thing will drive a man CRAZY and
    triggers a deep level attraction response – that’s not just a “physical” thing.

    I’ve shared some specifics about early
    interactions with men and creating ATTRACTION.

    Don’t live the predictable situation of your
    man withdrawing from you and acting irritated or
    frustrated just because you need to talk to him
    about something that’s important to you.



  274.  #274marina on January 29, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    @#266 LonePlum
    Thnx for reposting that….

    Damn, why am I still here, waiting for BF4 to call me? For things to be like they were before?
    Even after everything I read here…?
    I think I don’t want to let go…



  275.  #275Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    “I am truly hurt with all this. I feel rejected and not appreciated. I feel angry too. I feel sad and I also miss him…” (Lena)

    Lena, yes, you are getting at your real feelings — specifically, sad and angry are your feelings.

    “rejected” and “not appreciated” are what you think He is doing to you. You think he is rejecting and not appreciating you… So these are accusing/blaming him, and are not actual feelings.

    Sad and angry are the actual feelings….

    So, “I feel sad and angry. I don’t want to be alone. I miss you.” <— This makes it all about you and your feelings and does not accuse him or blame him.

    <3
    Lucy



  276.  #276Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    Loneplum you are such a great respository for great resources. Your assessments always seem to be on target.



  277.  #277Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    @LP

    Wise words.

    Rori:

    “…And then, getting back on the horse, and riding it out of the sand and onto the road.
    The moment you turn to the horse and say, I’ve made a mistake and I can still ride like the wind, time starts again, the weather starts again, and the message signs all around start blinking…

    …Sometimes the Mistake IS the Message.”

    xoxo
    SLV



  278.  #278Lena on January 29, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    FW – thank you. LP – it was great too.

    I am thinking what are those approaches might be. I am stuck now only with the phone. I can ask him to talk and I think he will agree to talk via Skype or personal (he is in another town). But I am clueslee as of now how to adress it all.

    As I said – I dont want him to treat me all this way anymore.

    I dont like when he sais he will call and doesnt.
    I dont like that past few days its only txting.
    I dont like to feel so confused with his sexual hints while he doesnt want even to hug me.
    I dont like not being called sweet names.
    I want to spend some quality time together.
    I want romance.

    I am asking myself why am I there with him in such situation. Yes, I feel attrected to him. And yes – it feels more like an obsession… Maybe I just dont want to let go, be alone here, because he was treating me differently than others I ever met, etc.

    I am trying to put it all together to find out my next step or shift…

    I am thinking to prepare a speech like this….

    I feel very attracted to you and I want us to have a serious relationship. I feel confused and disconnected when you say you will call and you dont and when we are communicating mostly via txts. I dont want to be a friend with benefits and I want to feel as I am truly your gf, woman you love should you feel so…

    Aiiii….. Thats the best I can come up with as of now… I dont want to txt it…. I want to tell it to him looking in his eyes.



  279.  #279Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Jacqueline, your hormone production will continue to decrease for the rest of your life. The cessation of your period for one year is actually the beginning of menopause.

    <3
    Lucy



  280.  #280Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    “Rejection” really, that is a wow to me. I have said to a guy “do you know what rejection feels like”, he said “yes”, then I said that is what I am feeling because he was not calling and had distanced himself. He promised to call back because he was busy at the time. He called later and was changing his schedule around to be with me. I told him I was willing to wait for the next day which was a normal “date” day for us and I did not want to put any pressure on him. When we met on the date he is really attentive and open. Reading this now I really have to revisit that experience as he eventually feel back into to same pattern of behavior. Thanks for bringing that up as this is now a learning moment for me.



  281.  #281Femininewoman on January 29, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    RE 277 Lena Rori says to take out “you” out of our speeches it comes across as blaming the person. In my humble opinion though if I was in your shoes, knowing what I know now I would be asking myself questions. Why do I want to be in a relatonship with a man who ignores me? Am I pressuring someone who is virtually a stranger to me? Am I afraid of being lonely? Do I want a man who cherishes me? Am I cherishing myself? How can I take care of myself? How can I refocus my energy towards me?



  282.  #282Lena on January 29, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Thank you, Lucy:)

    I got it. I am just scared to say it to him like that:))))
    I can only txt it now. And I am scared it will lead to another misunderstanding.

    By the way – thinking of it – I figured out where are those sexual things come from – I was teasing him about it because it seemed like only than he was letting it loose a bit and some of his usual him was surfacing. Maybe he thought thats what I want… But I think I was just looking for the ways how to connect to him.



  283.  #283Lena on January 29, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    FW – on some reason last night I felt so powerful! Its like I got where I was myself before with him. And from that point I started also asking myself those questions. Its like I saw him and situation in different light! From there I just wanted to take care of myself and let him figure himself out by himself without all this FM and relationship talks when it comes to us.

    I have NO idea why I ve been thrown back like this today. I didnt really care last night if he misses me or not. If he will txt or call. Its like I gave it all in his own hands to figure out and to WIN me back, not me going after him nagging – I feel so sad when you dont do this or that… Explaining smth… He is not immature and he is a smart man. He knows how to wow a lady. He knows all that. I feel like for all this time all my energy is around him and I am getting also so tired of it at times. Its like I became so different myself! Smaller and lesser than I am. I wasnt afraid to say things to him before and it seemed to attrct him even more. I changed so much from easy go lucky, sparky to some shadow! Thinking how to address a man or what to say or how to react when he will call… I want to be that woman I was – that wouldnt care what he thinks there… Confident and honest. Everytime I am with a guy I become… THIS… And its frustrating.



  284.  #284LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    http://womenshealth.gov/faq/date-rape-drugs.cfm#a

    What are date rape drugs?

    What do the drugs look like?

    What effects do these drugs have on the body?

    Are these drugs legal in the United States?

    Is alcohol a date rape drug? What about other drugs?

    How can I protect myself from being a victim?

    Are there ways to tell if I might have been drugged and raped?

    What should I do if I think I’ve been drugged and raped?

    xxx



  285.  #285LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    http://womenshealth.gov/faq/sexual-assault.cfm

    What is sexual assault?

    What do I do if I’ve been sexually assaulted?

    Where else can I go for help?

    How can I lower my risk of sexual assault?

    How can I help someone who has been sexually assaulted?

    Xxx



  286.  #286Lena on January 29, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    I am not actually scared to be alone. There are many man interested in me also. I dont want to be without him. Actually without all that connection and synergy we had before between us.



  287.  #287marina on January 29, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    OMG, Alicia ((((Hugs))))

    I am so sorry that happened to you
    I hope you are feeling better.
    Thanks for warning us.
    I think that guy should be locked up.

    I feel like throwing up…

    I feel afraid of not knowing what guy will be good for me and what guy will take advantage of me.

    BF1 once raped me, I didn’t think it was rape then. I wasn’t in the mood, we didn’t have time. I said no, stop, what are you doing, I don’t want to! And he just went on with it. And afterwards was proud of having a quickie with me. I felt so dirty and powerless and ashamed.

    I had forgotten all about it. But it all came back some weeks ago when I was feeling a bit sad and not in the mood and was having sex with BF4.
    He did stop and let me cry about it and that did make me feel better.

    Sending you all XOXOXOXOX



  288.  #288LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    /**Men Can Stop Rape** mobilizes male youth to prevent men’s violence against women. We build young men’s capacity to challenge harmful aspects of traditional masculinity, to value alternative visions of male strength, and to embrace their vital role as allies with women and girls in fostering healthy relationships and gender equity./
    http://www.mencanstoprape.org/index.htm

    xxx



  289.  #289Lori on January 29, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Daria,

    re #203,

    “i feel weird saying this, but i don’t feel good thinking that you’ll have a missing tooth forever… i wonder if you plan on getting it fixed… what do you think?”

    OMG ROFLMAO! That’s awesome!!!



  290.  #290LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Dorothea 93

    Bingo!

    xxx



  291.  #291Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    I went to library (did not see “Library Guy”) but borrowed EMK book again. I hadn’t finished it first time around. That EMK is a guy with a sense of humour. Love it.

    In talking about the response one woman received, EMK wrote that he laughed until he cried. I did too! Also, I choked a few times also. 😆 When times get bad I will remember this email and know things could always be worse…

    excerpt: [please forgive me EMK, I could not resist]
    “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating” by Evan Marc Katz

    “…Most of the emails you receive will tend to be long and fawning or short and crude. Here is one email that manages to achieve the rate combination of being both long and crude. A female friend who, to her credit, has learned not to take the vulgarians too seriously forward it to me.

    Dear Nancy,

    I love the softness and immenseness of your breasts…the
    zest of woman…I dream of moving man hands up and down
    your body…fully erected…exploring your curvature…all
    while moving around inside you…exploding then…making you moan and moan and moan and explode then yourself…
    I would caress your tits…fondle them whenever we walked…
    elevator, gardens, on the back of the boat, would have sex
    with you in public bathroom…in classrooms…on the bus
    …caressing your tits…
    Sasha…”

    xoxo
    SLV



  292.  #292Senior Lady Vibe on January 29, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Oops 😳 the illiteracies are my typos not EMK’s.

    “…seriously forwarded it to me…”



  293.  #293Simply Shannon on January 29, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    Ok, I totally fell off my horse, kinda sorta. I texted Mr. Fab Kisser. I kept getting these random reminders of him/us. And I felt okay about it. We texted back and forth for a bit, then he basically asked me not to contact him anymore. He’s been seeing someone for two months now and she is “willing to be more girlfriend and wants to see where it goes. So please only contact me if it’s an emergency. Thanks for understanding.”

    WTF. I feel annoyed.

    So I deleted him from my phone, deleted all of our messages. I’d say that door is finally closed. He just got booted off the island. Like forever.

    I still want fabulous kisses but I’ll be leaving that door locked with a MF’in chain.

    It feels bad when I do this. I know this. Why do I do this to myself? I miss kisses dangit!! I want kisses.

    Grumble, grumble, grumble.

    ARGHHHHHHHH!



  294.  #294Simply Shannon on January 29, 2011 at 9:06 pm

    Something occurred to me tonight. I don’t particularly enjoy going out to bars anymore. It feels weird, like I’m on a man hunt. Especially when I’m with other single women. I don’t really know how to be out and about without doing this. Anyone else do this? How do you just be out and not be on the hunt? Cuz that’s what it feels like.

    Ugh. I feel bored. This is a serious brain suck of my time. Something has to change. This is not what I want!



  295.  #295Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    Hugs for Shannon ((((Shannon))))

    🙁

    <3
    Lucy



  296.  #296Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    Shannon, yeah it does just feel like a manhunt. That’s why I don’t do it. I don’t go out and do anything unless I am doing it just bc I want to.



  297.  #297Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    Loneplum #266 Thank you for posting that! I never saw that one before.

    “…being watchful that you are in good-feeling places as much as you can.”

    Exactly. And that includes good-feeling dates!!!



  298.  #298Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    Uh, I’m so glad I’m finally getting this! Hmmm, this is what TN man told me a long time ago too.



  299.  #299Simply Shannon on January 29, 2011 at 9:27 pm

    Thank you Lucy. I appreciate the hugs. I just feel off. Something about this is not working for me, and it doesn’t feel good. I dunno. I feel confused. Praying that something shifts for me.

    I just feel bored. I want to meet men who I’m actually attracted to. I understand the concept of practice but really… these guys I’ve been meeting (even Mr. Fab Kisser and Mr. Manly Man and pretty much most of the guys I’ve dated with a few exceptions) are just… “eh”.

    I no longer feel satisfied with guys that I feel “eh” about. I deserve more and I actually believe now that I can have a man who seems “better” than me. Before I would have felt grateful to be dating a man of high quality, but now I feel deserving, like the bar just got raised a whole bunch. I don’t want mediocre or convincing myself to like him. I deserve a hot man who pursues me. The rest is just bullsh*t. And to think I convinced myself that was all I deserved.

    Whateva.



  300.  #300Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    @SLV’s 8

    I like that very much, SLV… thank you!

    xxoo



  301.  #301Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    @Lena’s 15

    OMG Lena, thank you! That is the most wonderful, helpful re-framing of pain I have ever read. Just a sign of where not to go. I LOVE that. I feel like it’s part of my new inner GPS. When the fear, insecurity and pain come up, I will just pay attention and know that it may be a sign of where I don’t want to go, of what I don’t want to involve myself with, of what I don’t want to do.



  302.  #302Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    “I don’t want mediocre or convincing myself to like him. I deserve a hot man who pursues me. The rest is just bullsh*t. And to think I convinced myself that was all I deserved.” (Shannon)

    Yup. Me too.



  303.  #303Lucy on January 29, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Shannon, maybe now that we are recognizing this, things will change.

    Expect more, get more.

    🙂

    (I made that up I think. hehe)



  304.  #304Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    sorry Sirens, I’m just catching up on the blog and am posting responses as I read.

    @Alica’ 57

    wow. I’m so sorry this happened. I had the same thought… suspect he slipped a date rape drug into your last drink when you refused to go to his place. And pulling up porn when you wouldn’t go down on him the next day… really bad news. All about him. Did this happen recently? It sounds like it, since you have a yeast infection. I would encourage you to report him for date rape. What a slime ball. I’m sorry. This has no reflection on your taste in men. When something like this happens to us, it’s hard to really see the reality. We don’t ever want to think a man could be this cruel and mean spirited. And we have a tendency to feel embarrassed, like it was somehow our fault. This is all him.

    ((((((Alicia))))))) big hug



  305.  #305LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Lena
    You said
    ***He is not immature and he is a smart man. He knows how to wow a lady. He knows all that.***

    So you know he knows.
    If he wanted to woe you, he would.
    He does not want to
    This is tough to read but we have been there, so we are right by your side.

    He broke up from you.
    But you convinced him you wanted to keep meeting him.
    He thinks if you did not like being treated as a friend you would stop meeting him.
    He thinks you are free to stop meeting him, like he is free to not woe you.

    ***From Rori
    First thing – it really helps to identify the feelings that are Relationship Red Flags.
    Red Flags that tell you, loud and clear, you’re in an

    IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP

    and NOT a Real Relationship.
    And the ONLY way to really know what’s going on is by FEELING it.

    If you try to think about what’s going on, and use your brain to work things out and make sense of things, you end up talking yourself in and out of good and bad ideas.
    You end up making excuses for him, and being understanding, and giving him the benefit of the doubt, and telling yourself “It doesn’t matter, I can handle this.”
    But you shouldn’t have to “handle” bad treatment.

    So you need to know when bad treatment is happening.
    And if you’re anything like I was, sometimes that’s hard to do.

    An Imaginary Relationship is way different from a Real Relationship.
    In an Imaginary Relationship, sometimes we feel “hurt” when, according to the rules (as he sees it) of a “friends” or “dating” relationship, he hasn’t actually done anything hurtful.
    Sometimes we feel hurt because we have such low self-esteem.
    Sometimes we feel hurt because we’re afraid to feel how ANGRY we actually feel.

    But ALWAYS – we feel “hurt” because we are
    EXPECTING
    him to behave like he’s in a Real Relationship with us, when really, he’s only in an Imaginary Relationship.

    To him, he’s in NO relationship at all.

    I was in an Imaginary Relationship with that man who hurt me so much.
    As long as he didn’t actually end the “relationship” I thought I was in, I put up with ridiculous things.***

    Forget about texting your hurt, demanding he logs on skype, demanding he phones you more often, stop EVERYTHING

    Start Cdating
    Be opened and funny
    Don’t wait for him, meet other men, do things for yourself
    When he phones, be happy that he phones, don’t moan because he did not phone in a week. He phones to feel good with you, if you moan he will stop phoning at all.
    Don’t be available for sex if you feel bad or used. Follow your feelings.
    Don’t threaten him with it, don’t speak of it, but when he starts acting sexual tell him you don’t want to.
    Be joyful with him, don’t reproach him to not romance you.
    Stop asking what you are together. It kills his desire to meet again.
    Enjoy the meeting just the way it is, stop asking for more. Right now this man does not want to give more. Asking for more won’t make him change. It will make him leave.
    Try to not be available for dates during a while, it will make him feel you take care of yourself, you don’t put him above your own life.
    But don’t be resentful when you tell him you are busy. Be happy, say you would love to meet him, you miss him but you are busy.

    The idea is to be an invitation, not a punishing teacher
    When you like, you let him know you like and that he makes you happy
    When he wants to do something you don’t like, you stop him. On the spot, not a day later. With no drama, simple “I don’t want”. No explanation.
    But you never ever tell him what to do or never reproach him what he does not do.

    xxx



  306.  #306Lena on January 29, 2011 at 10:15 pm

    Hallo, everyone.

    I would like to show our conversation today. Maybe some of you can point at the areas of my mistakes.

    The conversations we have now are through txt or bbm.

    I dont initiate conversations, neither I call.

    So here it is –

    Him – Good morning.
    Me – Hallo.
    H – Sleep well?
    M – I fell asleep after the spa and a cup of giner tea.
    H – Good. At least you got rest. I fell asleep on the couch.
    M – Why?
    H – Was just so exausted after the last 2 days. I am going to see my priest this afternoon. Id like guidance.
    M – I am also here for you. And I love you.
    H – Thank you. I really appreciate it.
    M – I got my period last night. Its a miracle after all my body went through. I have the urge to go to that doc and tell him – so who cant have children now?
    H – Yeah. Its really upsetting what they put you through.
    M – I dont want to think about it anymore. It turned out to be ok.
    M – Mmmm. I also would like to say that I really miss you. Though maybe its not girlie again. I miss talking to you and being with you… Do you also feel like txting and messaging is like talking through a small hole in the fence? You can see only the eye… Or a nose…))
    H – My internet is completely down though. Besides I am on the way to church.
    M – I just mentioned it.



  307.  #307Lena on January 29, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    LP – thank you. But I told him that I will not be his friend after and I really wont. He knows I am staying here because I wait for him. I told him that.



  308.  #308Lena on January 29, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Start Cdating
    Be opened and funny
    Don’t wait for him, meet other men, do things for yourself
    When he phones, be happy that he phones, don’t moan because he did not phone in a week. He phones to feel good with you, if you moan he will stop phoning at all.
    Don’t be available for sex if you feel bad or used. Follow your feelings.
    Don’t threaten him with it, don’t speak of it, but when he starts acting sexual tell him you don’t want to.
    Be joyful with him, don’t reproach him to not romance you.
    Stop asking what you are together. It kills his desire to meet again.
    Enjoy the meeting just the way it is, stop asking for more. Right now this man does not want to give more. Asking for more won’t make him change. It will make him leave.
    Try to not be available for dates during a while, it will make him feel you take care of yourself, you don’t put him above your own life.
    But don’t be resentful when you tell him you are busy. Be happy, say you would love to meet him, you miss him but you are busy.

    The idea is to be an invitation, not a punishing teacher
    When you like, you let him know you like and that he makes you happy
    When he wants to do something you don’t like, you stop him. On the spot, not a day later. With no drama, simple “I don’t want”. No explanation.
    But you never ever tell him what to do or never reproach him what he does not do. ——- Oh…. I see….



  309.  #309LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Lena

    What do you mean you are waiting for him?

    xxx



  310.  #310Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    The funny thing is..

    Aaron and I had a sit down dinner and sat next to a birthday couple and we were talking about work. But we did have two margurtia’s and birthday shot. Normal Friday night…

    Next place we danced and two people he some what new came up to us and one of them was on ectasy. ( I did think it was very strange he blurted that out.. I havent been around that since highschool) But, I just wrapped up my convo with him and went to back to the dance floor with Aaron.

    The next thing I know they ordered around of shots and Aaron ordered also ordered me another drink.

    So. I was tipsy over a 6 hr period.. But, I use to go out every weekend and I haven’t been sick in years. Also, I havent drank except maybe a glass of wine at friends and months and months. So, maybe it was just a lot for one night. I’m way past the college party days..
    But, for some reason I was so nauseous..

    And I asked him wtf happened?? And he said.. He was just going with the flow and thought I was having fun. He said I didn’t seem drink.. I do think for some very strange reason that his friends – friend.. asked me for my number. And maybe I did give it to him.. He was really really short and bald and so not my type but, I think I thought he was kinda funny. I have noooo idea.. unless I was drunk why I would. I never have done that on a date before and shame on me if I did. I had no intention of talking to him or seeing him. He lives in Cali and was visiting. So strange!

    Today when he texted I said. That was a bad night for me. I felt really ill. I kinda remember you but, I was on a date and I shouldn’t have given you my number and I dont think I should talk to you.. He was like no problem, have a good weekend.

    Honestly……… Just a rough night. The first place was great. I was treated great. I had on leegings a dress and a jacket. I was sitting at a table..There wasn’t anything that said.. “overtly sexual” at all.

    The second place I was dancing it had a dance floor and I stayed with Aaron pretty much hand and hand until those other guys came over to talk.

    I was sick for two days after… So.. maybe it was just the alcohol.. either way… I wish I would not have accepted so many drinks.

    And when someone you harldy know is asleep.. I never in a million years would have thought that is how I would have been woken up.. And me screaming isn’t like me. I was screaming… I’ve never been like that before and it was like I couldn’t speak words.. Then I woke up curled up with a tshirt on. Way over on the otherside of the bed..

    Such a big wake up call.



  311.  #311Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    I read RR’s e-mail today, regarding imaginary relationships. I was sparked into thinking about my last relationship when she talked about pretending to be okay (being cool with) when an old beau of hers didn’t introduce her as his GF, but just as Rori. i thought about how things can go even deeper and still be imaginary. My last guy referred to me as hi GF from the get go. He planned great outings for my b’day. He gave me flowers. He said he loved me everyday. He said his life wouldn’t be the same without him. He told me I was the best GF he’d ever had. And yet, in 2.5 years, he never proposed, even though he made it clear he wanted to be married and have kids.
    So, I had a lot to “hang onto”. A lot to keep me from KNOWING what didn’t want to know. But, there were clear signals, if I had known what to look for. Whenever he used the word wife, it wasn’t to do with me… only with his ex-wife or with some imaginary future wife. He said things like “If I ever get married again…(I’ll do x,y or z). These things weren’t specific to me. It wasn’t even as close as, “If we get married…”
    These are things I would recognize instantly as red flags, having had this experience.



  312.  #312Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    Fem Woman,

    RE: #234 – You asked, “I am now wondering if you are attracted to liars?”

    Not a little bit. In the past, my policy was that if someone lied to me one time, I was thru. Then when I realized everyone lies to some extent, I modified it that I’d keep them in front of me, and not let them get too close if they lied. I made an exception with Ryan, and I wish I hadn’t.

    I spend so much time thinking about him because I’m in love with him and because he keeps me guessing.



  313.  #313Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    So… Moving Forward:

    Today I did go on a cd date…

    I met him close to my house. I did have one margurita with a water and the I switched to a coke.. and had a salad. He had three margurita’s and a beer. I did not feel any pressure. We had good convo.. had a nice time and ended the date with a hug. And went our seperate ways. He wants to see again. I said sure.. And it was really nice. I felt good on how I handeled myself and I felt good that I was content and did not feel pressure while he ordered more and more of his own drinks…

    YAYA!!!

    Then I walked across the street to Starbucks and met another guy and we had a coffee..

    Felt great again.. Nice chat, and we made plans for lunch another day..

    This experience feels like a wild ride. I’ve never met two different guys out in one day..

    The felt nice.. the weather was great and I felt totally respected and in control and no pressure.

    I liked it A LOT!!! 🙂 A little bit healing.. already..



  314.  #314Lena on January 29, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    LP –

    We talked last Sunday. He said the main reason he wants to leave is because he cant get over how I was hurt and he was hurt. He also said its difficult for him to leave because he wants to be with me and loves me. He wants to be in my life. That was the thing since that fight – I want to be with you but I dont know how. He also said its scary for him and that some part of him due to fight shut down.

    I asked him to give it a time and not break it all up because all I saw in his messages is hurt and I also see love and care. I said that because we are both emotional than someone has to stop doing that. He is the most emotional guy I ever saw – he cried! I said it can be me. I absolutely said I dont want and will not be your friend. I will just be there for you because he seemed very messy. I just feel he is messed up and doesnt know what to do. I also dont know what to do at times too.



  315.  #315Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 10:39 pm

    Alicia,

    This was in no way, shape or form, your fault. I say this because you posted:
    “Honestly……… Just a rough night. The first place was great. I was treated great. I had on leegings a dress and a jacket. I was sitting at a table..There wasn’t anything that said.. “overtly sexual” at all.”

    Even if you were dressed uber sexy, that doesn’t give him the right to touch you in a way that makes you uncomfortable.

    And it really does sound like he drugged you. Even my very worst hang overs haven’t lasted 2 days.



  316.  #316Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    Moving right alone feels pretty good.. I dont think I’m in denial. I just am glad I had already had plans made and kept them. Becuase it wasn’t scary…

    If I had stayed home and thought a lot about things I think my mind would have kept me safe and alone..

    Glad I had two respectful dates and I totally feel better.

    It’s funny I even felt a little rejected by Aaron becuase he hasn’t called or talked to me after the shitty thing he did.. And I do know it for the BEST. But, my ego felt rejected. Used and rejected.

    Having the two very cute , nice guy dates.. did help me feel valued.

    So.. I’m going to continue to date.. 🙂



  317.  #317Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    Fem Woman,

    Here’s an afterthought…early in our dating, I asked him to teach me emotional intelligence and social skills. He agreed.

    I assumed he would verbally give me pointers here and there. But instead, he let me figure things out by his nonverbal actions. The closer we got, the more hurtful it got. For example, if I would initiate, he wouldn’t return my call, most of the time. It took a lot of time for me to see that pattern. But it got really into heart deceit. Hard to describe in a few words. But I think part of it was him trying to teach me by cause and effect. Weird stuff. I’ll let it rest.



  318.  #318Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    opps ha ha meant to say.. moving right “along”



  319.  #319Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    meant to say… moving “right along”



  320.  #320LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    Alicia

    awww of curse it has nothing to do with you.
    You were at the wrong place, wrong moment, wrong people.
    People are not what they seem to be. There was no way you could guess you were going to pass out and he was going to rape you.
    It is an accident of life.

    Have you read my posts for you?
    Posts number 255 + 257 + 259 + 262 + 266 + 271 + 283 +284 + 287

    The program “Men can stop rape” teaches the men to teach other men to protect their female friends, to stop the sexual games when she is drunk even when she is a regular girl friend.
    What he did to you is criminal.

    xxx



  321.  #321Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    LP, you always post the most helpful, germane links. Thanks.



  322.  #322Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Good job, Alicia.



  323.  #323Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 10:48 pm

    Alicia, I feel glad you’re going to continue to date and happy your 2 good dates have helped to repair the bad feelings. Way to bounce!



  324.  #324Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    Nancy.. ya I agree with you.

    I think something must have happened. Who knows from who.. Even the bar tender could have spiked something.

    All I know is I have drank way way more then that and have not been sick on the side of a road and in bed two days later..

    It just had made me more aware.. Otherwise, I’ll rack my brain with a million scernerios.. ha. I cant do that.

    So.. I’m glad it’s over. I’m glad I went out again.. and handled myself and put my needs first and only accepted one drink.

    Lesson learned and progress made. 😉



  325.  #325Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    @SS’s 292

    Maybe you had the urge to lean forward and contact FabKisser so that you could get the info that he’s gone and clear your plate for an even more fab kisser, one who’s going to really be there and step up. Kissing’s great, but you deserve that and a whole lot more!



  326.  #326Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:51 pm

    Oh my goodness LP.. THANK YOU!!

    I will read them now. 🙂



  327.  #327LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 10:53 pm

    Alicia

    You rock!
    Lesson put on the back of the horse and riding towards 2 new dates
    Bravo!

    xxx



  328.  #328Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    Ladies I just wanted to say…………

    THANK U SO MUCH!

    All of you with your CARE and WISDOM! I feel a measure of support that suprised me and I really needed!!

    It was more then my close friends even gave me. I think I just played off everything light hearted with them. And it’s really nice that no one judged me..

    THANKS AGAIN! 🙂



  329.  #329Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    Alicia and everyone,

    I was just thinking recently that I feel fortunate never to have run into a situation like that in all my dating. I reminded myself that I don’t know these guys when I first start dating them and that I need to be careful. And that begs the question, at what point do you start to trust that a guy won’t do something like that? Do I take my glass of wine to the restroom if I leave the table? That’s a strange proposition if you’re in a quiet restaurant and just you and he are at a table together. People will think, “Wow, what a lush… she can’t leave her drink for 2 seconds!” LOL
    Does waiting til you’ve had 5 dates before you get in his car or go to his house or have him into your house protect you? 3 dates? 10 dates? I dunno.
    I trust my gut, but my guess is that you didn’t have the feeling this guy would pull anything.
    I’d better go read LP’s link.



  330.  #330Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    And Alicia,

    LP is right, what he did to you is criminal, ie against the law. If and when you feel ready, I encourage you to report him. Maybe, just maybe, it will deter him from doing this to another woman.



  331.  #331Darling Ella on January 29, 2011 at 11:07 pm

    LISTEN:

    Wow: Just finished watching “Dreamgirls”…beautiful movie and awesome acting…

    Beyonce won me over with this song…and her acting skills as in this part…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cj8bsHOKKzY&feature=related



  332.  #332Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:18 pm

    Marina,

    RE: #269 – You said, “Being at the Burlesque movie scene of Amsterdam Heavy was quite a nice experience :)”

    Congratulations! What a claim to fame! I wish I could see it!

    You said, “Still, I feel unsatisfied.
    I want to go back to school/study.
    All these fun things of the last few years start to feel more and more like just passing time and esp. distracting myself from what I really want.”

    I can so relate! I am really trying to think creatively to make my next job be part of my POP (Purpose On the Planet)! Or, if not, to at least be moving into my destiny with each move I make: education, free time, perhaps starting a business…

    Best wishes to you on your endeavors!



  333.  #333Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    Beyonce is something else! I saw a video concert of her, and I was wowed out!



  334.  #334Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    @Daria’ 200, 201 & 203

    Thanks! I needed that.
    I have said many of those FMs, but the one I was searching for is…

    I feel a little drained listening for so long.

    I have struggled with what to say. I want “to be niiiiiiiice.” Yuk! I feel so sick of being ‘niiiiiiiiiiice.” I do feel drained listening to them go on and on and I’m going to practice saying so. If the sky falls, so be it.

    LOL I feel worried that you’re rotting teeth might cause you to have heart disease. What do you think?”

    I actually went out with a man 2 weeks ago whose online pics were very attractive, because his teeth weren’t showing. How can a man let his teeth get rotten and not do anything about it? And he said he had great insurance. Ew. I don’t like rotting teeth. They make me feel turned off! :p



  335.  #335Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    Alicia,

    RE: #328 – You’re welcome! I feel happy, too, about the support you received. I’m glad you feel better about it. I feel so blessed to have this place to come. It may not be perfect, but it’s very unique, and I have felt very supported here many times!



  336.  #336Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    Something happened today.. That I have not felt in a long time. So, I was in love and broken hearted when I found Rori..

    After I got laid off two years ago. I had broken up out of fear with John and then I rejected him, then broke his heart and then had the nerve to try and get him back.. SOOOO sad…. ( I clearly have abandoment issues in the process of healing)

    My best friend ever told me he would get bored with me and break up with me.. So, I should just do it first.

    Since, I was loosing, my job and my apt and my lifestyle. I figured she was right. But, I prayed and prayed and all I can say is.. I found Rori.. =’s answered prayer.

    (In the new movie No strings attached where she is pushing him away. That was me)

    Then I got counseling..

    Well, with him.. that was the most “in love” in my life ever. I carry him in my spirit. He is still on mind and we became like email friends.. (ick)

    But, FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Instead of feeling.. I miss him so much.. so sad.. so mad.. I’m lost with out him which I have felt for over a year..

    Life still brings me all these little signs about him and I just smile when I see them and say who knows.. what the future holds.

    For example.. when I met him lady bugs invaded my bedroom. Like 7 of them. And after we broke up, they would randomly land on me and then I would hear from him. Strange it just became.. something that was like a sign for him.

    And I nick named him.. John Deere… he has a ranch in the country and was a construction manager..

    Well, John Deere tractors and construction equipment remind me of him.. especially beacuse his name is John and it’s huge across the machines.

    I’ll be in the middle of the city and a John Deere construction machine will roll up next to me.. And I just got used to it.

    ***Today was the first day EVER IN A YEAR…

    I felt all this love in my heart for him that I didn’t fight.

    I didn’t try to think.. what can I do to win him.

    I didn’t get sad. I didn’t miss.

    I just acknowledeged.. YES! I might always love him, I feel love. I’m saying hi to it.. it’s still is in my heart for him and…..

    I AM STILL GOING to meet more guys.. and if the love feeling is there. I’m not going to fight it or literally do anything but, just feel it and keep moving.

    So.. my dates went great!

    I had a really beautiful day and of course another John Deere machine pulled up in a place that it would never typically be in the middle of where I was shopping. lol… Two feet from my face. It was just so funny.

    But, the break thru ……..was just to allow myself to feel the love and not fight it, or try to hold on to it, or be sad about it..

    I just accepted it.. And had a great day.. I seemed way more pleasent.. 🙂



  337.  #337Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    lol… Brenda!!

    I got tickled and laughed when I read your line… “it may not be perfect” hahahaha..

    Only cause I know that it was not easy the other week and you still have such a good attitude..

    Yes.. the support is great! It’s like my secret place. 🙂



  338.  #338Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    SLV,

    RE: #270 – You said, “Kiss, kiss and bye-bye, sweetcakes to him.”

    LOL! I love your sassy side! LOL! And your naughty side! 😆 And you’re right…who am I to talk?



  339.  #339Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Alicia,

    It’s my secret place, too! That was not the only time it wasn’t perfect! But I’m not counting. What counts is it’s a fine sisterhood, and I am so grateful to Rori and all the Sirens here!



  340.  #340LonePlum on January 29, 2011 at 11:31 pm

    Darling Ella 265

    I was under the impression Alicia is in the USA and you too?
    Rape is outlaw and men know it
    When a man robs a bank, he knows he is breaking the law.
    When a man uses drugs he knows he is breaking the law
    Same for rape. They do it but they know.

    That’s why they talk to the victim afterwards like if they did it for her own good, she loved it or she was asking for it or the situation made them think they could etc… They make sure the guilt will stop her from going to the police

    But they know when the woman can not use her will to decide “yes” or “no”, it is a rape and when the woman said “no”, even if just one and shy, it is a rape.
    She can be his wife, his fiancée, his lover, his date, his friend, a stranger, a prostitute, the law is for all women in all situations. She can be covered-up to her neck or she can be naked, the law is the same.
    It is a rape.
    Men know.

    xxx



  341.  #341Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    Brenda and Alicia,

    yes it is… a fine sisterhood indeed *raises glass to toast*

    and Alicia, that is so mature and admirable. I am striving to learn to enjoy the love I feel, not resent or discount it because it “didn’t work out”.



  342.  #342Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Alicia,

    RE: #336 – You said, “I AM STILL GOING to meet more guys.. and if the love feeling is there. I’m not going to fight it or literally do anything but, just feel it and keep moving.”

    How beautiful! When I read your story in this post, and then read this, something finally clicked in me, and I understood Rori’s article on this thread better, too!

    What really caught my attention is that John Deere tractors remind ME of a man, too! LOL! My first boyfriend called himself a redneck, even tho he wasn’t the classic redneck. When he was released from prison, 8 years after we met, he asked me to get him some street clothes and boots so he didn’t have to stand out like a sore thumb when he left the prison.

    He suggested leather boots, jeans, a flannel shirt, a black leather jacket, and maybe a John Deere hat! 🙂 At the time, I lived in Phoenix, AZ, not PA in the country, where I live now. I wondered how I was going to get a hold of John Deere hat, but I was determined to try! He meant a lot to me!

    A few days later, there it was, right on the edge of the city, a small John Deere supply store! He was very pleased with his outfit!



  343.  #343Nancy on January 29, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    i’m feeling sleepy, nite nite Sirens.



  344.  #344Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:38 pm

    Nancy,

    Cheers!



  345.  #345Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    Honestly..

    I know this sounds silly.. It’s just that “rape” sounds like such a “crime scene” word.

    I think torture and violence and since I wasn’t tortured.. I feel confused to call it that. I think of a man in a mask and weapon or someone jumping someone. Does that make sense?

    I feel odd calling it date rape. but, I know it is..

    I just need to get okay with it. That it’s not always torture viloent. But, It was violating. To be sound asleep..

    I’ll figure it out.

    Thanks for the links- LP



  346.  #346Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:43 pm

    LonePlum,

    RE: #272 – Rori said, “The mirror shows you where you are, the mistake shows you where you’ve been, and the message invites you to go where you want to be.

    I listen to them all, but I look for messages.
    Sometimes I can’t see them or hear them or feel them, because I’m too absorbed in the mirror, or too despondent over the mistake.”

    Wow, that woman is profound! LonePlum, thanks for sharing!



  347.  #347Brenda on January 29, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    Alicia,

    RE: #345 – I was touched by my senile great-grandfather when I was a child. I never thought much of it. I kind of excused him because he was senile, and he was not AT ALL that kind of man when he was younger. In my mind, it was no big deal.

    When I discussed it with my therapist a few years ago, she helped me realize that no matter the reason, IT WAS SEXUAL ABUSE.

    When I acknowledged that, it helped me heal. I realized more and more how much it affected me. What matters is your feelings in this situation.

    Secondarily, what matters is that future women do not get abused by him. I hope you report him for their sake.

    When I was in my victim mindset, I excused the behavior of my aggressors. I have increasingly taken on the mindset of a queen, as Rori suggested in one of her programs. How would a man treat me if I were a queen? He would be quick to please me and treat me with respect.

    The more we sink into our beauty and value, the more we can see the gross disrespect, devaluing, and abuse of what happened.

    I want to hear reports like your two beautiful dates today! And down the road, I want to hear a report of a precious man who swept you off your feet, treating you like a queen, honoring you!



  348.  #348Alicia on January 29, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    Lone Plum –

    I clicked on all your post.. VERY VALUABLE INFO!!!!

    I hope everyone clicks on it..

    Thanks



  349.  #349Alicia on January 30, 2011 at 12:04 am

    Brenda –

    #346.. Was awesome! Thanks.. Sorry that happened to you. I dont know what I thinking.. for having a skewed version of rape. pastor Joyce Meyer who I LOVE.. was molested over 200 times by her father and she is such a wonderful, powerful woman.. and she even finally said actually it was rape. Her tv program is great, you can watch her on the web anytime and she has tons of great video’s.. she is a fireball too. Very candid and funny.

    http://www.joycemeyer.org/



  350.  #350Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 12:10 am

    My computer crashed just now.



  351.  #351Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 12:16 am

    Alicia,

    RE: #349 – I love Joyce Meyer! I listen to her every chance I get! She has been thru the fire and back, that’s for sure. That is horrible when someone is molested by their father of all people. That is the one man above all who is supposed to be your role model of how to treat you as a girl and then a woman. She is a powerful speaker!



  352.  #352LonePlum on January 30, 2011 at 12:54 am

    “I think with my son, I hope I raised a person, a man, who knows how to treat a woman”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hg4oT9ik18&feature=related

    xxx



  353.  #353LonePlum on January 30, 2011 at 12:57 am

    Brenda 345

    Yes, that post was particularly lucid.

    xxx



  354.  #354archerie on January 30, 2011 at 3:46 am

    All the Things I could have said to dates…

    I feel very bored after hearing all that .. I feel a coma coming on.

    I feel a little nauseated looking at the food spilled down your shirt …

    I feel very uncomfortable hearing about your adventures in BDSM at the Hellfire Club with a prominent person. I feel even more turned off that you bragged about it and used her name!

    I feel rather honoured that you would speak to my little breasts and give them your UNDIVIDED ATTENTION , however the rest of me feels rather left out !!

    I felt totally revolted when you picked up your crustacean , ate it whole and wiped the sauce off your fingers onto the white linen tablecloth!!!!

    I felt charmed that you called me while cooking pizza for a house full of teens , but I am now puzzled as to why you chose this moment to disclose your desire to see me in Japanese rope bondage !

    I feel very embarrassed and unsexy when you Fa** in my bathroom SO LOUD and LONG and RESONANTLY and then come back in and try and kiss me …

    These are just a few date stories and what i might have said , were I sirenised, though I am still not sure how to tell a man you are turned off because he has a huge , powerful and unremitting GAS problem, without it sounding blaming 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Daria will know .



  355.  #355Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 4:24 am

    ROFL! 😆



  356.  #356Ella on January 30, 2011 at 4:26 am

    Today I woke up feeling good.

    And then when I got up I began to feel really angry.
    Recently I have been feeling really grumpy and I have been so impatient with my mum.

    Its like she just annoys the heck out of me just by beinig there and I find myself snapping! And really picking at her.

    And when she doesn’tstand up for herself that just annoys me more.

    Hmm, what is the lesson here.

    Is she a mirror for me?

    Why am I feeling so angry?

    Think it is to do with feeling that I failed by picking another sh*t relationship…

    so I gotta moderate that NV.

    I did not fail. It was just s stepping stone in the right direction. A messenger about what I no longer accept in my life.

    And a chance for me to look at some of my issues.

    And I sometimes feel angry that I have ended up back her with my parents, even after living away for so long and having a good job and place of my own.

    But after a while I got depressed and ended with a breakdown.

    I feel weak and angry at myself sometimes for this.

    Brought myself home to my family cus that is where I wanted to be. I have felt happier and SAFE since I have been back.

    Plan to move out soon but I will stay in the area and see my family all the time.

    Just gotta make a success of the work I am doing now.

    But sometimes I get so scared that I will not make it. And that I will be a ‘loser’ and in this same dependant situation for ever.

    I am ok with neeing support but I just wish I could manage things better.

    And my mum’s attitude to the breakdown was kinda like ‘well everyone has to work!’ in a way that to me was suggesting I was weak and just not accepting reality of trying hard enough!

    It was horrible.

    Hmmm, maybe that is also why I am angry.

    Well maybe I will speak to her about it at some point.

    But for now off to work and I gotta figure a way to be pleasant to her cus she does not deserve me being ansty.

    Especially when she is supporting me so much right now.



  357.  #357Jennifer on January 30, 2011 at 5:45 am

    hey.
    This thread is fascinating to me.
    Alicia….
    I feel really happy to see you working this out. I feel such relief. I felt worried you would get stuck here.
    If calling it rape doesn’t jive with you….why not violated? Cause I think that word fits too. Thing is…..even if THIS guy didn’t slip you something, he still touched you when you were not able to give permission.
    As for the idea of drunk vs. Drugged. Does it matter? You didn’t give permission. Period.
    I personally still vote for drugged.
    The waking up screaming is the hint for me. If you’ve never done this when drunk, I think theres a new variable in play.
    Are you on any meds?
    I’ve had a couple of surgeries, I’ve woken up screaming from…..cause some of the drugs do that to me. Which is why I get “my” anathesiologist if I have to be put out again. Being a nurse has it’s perks. LOL



  358.  #358Jennifer on January 30, 2011 at 5:48 am

    Hey bren.
    I feel ya on the “heart lying” issues.
    I think that’s what B did to me.
    Told me to my face that he wasn’t leaving me, when indeed he was.
    FINALLY told me he loved me when he went into the military all the while knowing he had put his mother on the paperwork, changed bank accounts and left me on the hook for the $2000 in overdraft.
    I am still stuggling with HOW a person could do that.
    But I’m trying to remember that I dont’ need to know WHY people do some of the shit they do.
    Cause this aint’ work.



  359.  #359Jennifer on January 30, 2011 at 6:00 am

    I called what he did “a sin against love”
    Maybe that’s dramatic.
    I dunno. I just feel like that’s what it is.
    And I’m not usually down with the concept of sin. Well, in a few instances.
    I just really feel that when a person loves you, is standing in front of you with thier heart hanging out, trusting you. Hoping for the best FOR YOU. Hating on anyone who hurts YOU. Doing everything they can to help YOU. That is owed some respect.
    Cause I think it’s rare in this world.
    To be loved like that.
    And to disrespect a love like that? Well, that’s a sin.



  360.  #360Lori on January 30, 2011 at 6:08 am

    I just finished reading “The List”, and I have to admit that the concept appeals to my analytical mind. No wondering about what a guy thinks or feels, just follow the checklist. I feel like the reason this is because I don’t trust my own judgment or intuition. And I don’t trust a man’s words if his actions seem sketchy. I’ve had so man CD men “tell” me they’re very very interested in pursuing a relationship with me, but only call once a week. It doesn’t feel good to have a man tell me things like that and then not follow up with action. It makes me feel like they are treating me like a child and placating me with words, thinking I’ll just accept crumbs of attention.

    I want to be like the women in “The List” and feel strong enough to tell a man off when he’s being a jacka$$. It felt so empowering to read their responses to bad behavior! I feel tired of being the “nice” girl.

    I did feel bad reading parts of it though. The women used as examples were all between 25 and 39. The 39 year old was constantly alluded to as being at the extreme end of the scale. She even told one of the other girls that “at her age, the prospects of getting married were pretty small.” That makes me feel icky. If I’m a total package, am I then discounted simply because I’m over 40? Even if everything else is what a man wants? I feel triggered because I’m out of the age range of one of my online CD guys, yet he’s still talking to me. I feel curious as to why he is approaching me if I’m not within the age range he’s looking for for a serious relationship. So what am I then, the girl to have fun with while he looks for a version of me but younger? I feel suspicious and defensive and angry…



  361.  #361Boomer on January 30, 2011 at 6:53 am

    #293-ish – Simply Shannon:

    How to go out to bars without making it a man hunt. I am not a barfly, but my best friend and partner in crime, Annie Clyde, is. Let me explain a little about Annie Clyde. She is a man magnet. She is African-American, has long long hair, a killer bod, and used to “dance professionally,” if you know what I mean. She is basically “Black Barbie,” and she even just walks like she has a pole in front of her. The second we walk into a place…a bar, a restaurant, a theater, every man turns and wants her, some women do too, but most of the women turn and want to kill her! I think she is the model for Rori’s Modern Siren, frankly, although her intentions are not always good (more on that some other time!)

    Now, I am not hard on the eyes either, and before I started hanging out with AC, ***I*** was always the pretty one in a place, if a little chubby. (Many times, men have told me I was “the second hottest women in the room.” Nice. Not.) I do not blame AC, and I get her appeal, and I love her no matter what. I’ll post another time on my dynamic with her, because it’s been both a great friendship and a catalyst for my own growth, but also at times a total bummer…

    Anyway, HOW TO GO TO BARS AND NOT MANHUNT: One option is to have a totally hot friend like AC who sucks all the oxygen out of the room when she walks in (due to the audible gasps), and then you are FREE to just be yourself and focus on having fun because none of the men are looking at you anyway!

    If you don’t have a hot friend, then pick a bar with a great band you like and you love to dance to, and then dance and sing along and be hilarious. Make it an ’80’s cover band. Or a Def Leppard tribute band. Some band that brings you way back to when you were just young and happy and fun. Eventually you just get to the point where you ARE there to just have fun with your girlfriend(s).

    Tell yourself it’s a “date with myself” night. Look beautiful just for yourself (not for men).

    Do whacky beauty stuff and act silly and girlish while you are out–things that are just for you that most men would not get anyway: wear giant false eyelashes (with glitter!), clip or temporarily add color strips into your hair (my fave is the blue clip-ins), wear super-cool platform shoes with a skimpy short little dress, be a “woo-girl” with all your girlfriends (from an episode of How I Met Your Mother where all the “certain types” of girls sit in the corner, toast or say something sassy and they all loudly go “Woooo!”). When you go out to a bar with friends, try to be that silly pre-teen gaggle of girls who go to mall and act ridiculous as they begin to feel the power of their femininity and of their bond with their girlfriends!

    Those are just some of the strategies that have made me not get too bummed out that I am “second lieutenant” to the hottest woman on the planet. And that have made me focus on myself and my friends and MY OWN FUN when I am out so that I do not even worry about attracting men at that time.

    And even though AC is the belle of the ball, I am totally right there with her because she’s my bestie and I love her. So I can let her have all the attention (it’s not really the kind of men or the kind of attention I want anyway). And I am free to just be myself and have fun. Sometimes the vibe is just what is required to be approached by a man who sees I may not have all the flash, but I have the substance they want. Most of the time though, not….I never go to a bar situation thinking I’m going to meet someone. I go to have fun, date myself, be a little crazy, spend time with friends, and let off steam.



  362.  #362Andi on January 30, 2011 at 6:54 am

    Sirens, I have another CD question.

    One of my CDs really likes me and I really like him. But I also see other CDs. The thing is this guy has always been assertive and aggressive after me, which I like. But he has his sights on me now, even though I told him I don’t want to be exclusive. He is super busy with work and doesn’t really casually date. He doesn’t have the time. So I think he just wants to see me in his spare time and I think he may have the same expectations of me.

    So this morning he emails me aksing me what my plans are today. Well, I am going out with someone else. What do I tell him??? Do I have to tell him anything at all. I can just imagine we will have to go through this everyday now, him asking me what I have planned…don’t like this idea of having to deal with that.

    I am afraid to tell him again that I am not being exclusive unless he asks. He knows. He also said he couldn’t ‘keep me captive.’ So I know he gets it, but he is pushing, I can tell.

    Thank you for your input!



  363.  #363SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 6:54 am

    I have a date today with Mr. TreatsMeLikeGold.

    I think I’m going to need to meditate to put myself in a better state. I know I should be CDing and I guess I somewhat am, in that I am open to everyone I talk to. I’m not actually seeing anyone but him though and I know that I’ve started to get wrapped up in him.

    So I need to shift back to me and my happiness. We’ve been seeing each other for a couple of months. I thoroughly enjoy his company. He contacts me daily just to see how I’m doing. My insecurities pop up regularly in that I can feel myself somewhat in a hurry to be in a committed relationship. Silly, why am I in a rush? I think my mission for today is to just be present and enjoy myself with him.

    That sounds good.

    summerbaby



  364.  #364Andi on January 30, 2011 at 6:55 am

    Part of me wants to just ignore the email altogether. I have done this before to get him to stop texting me all the time. But is that not being clear and taking the easy way out?



  365.  #365Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 7:01 am

    (((((Jennifer))))),

    RE: #358-9 – I feel sad to hear that. I agree. A sin against love. Making something that’s supposed to be the most beautiful thing on earth ugly. How does the heart vomit?

    Hugs, Brenda



  366.  #366Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Boomer,

    RE: #361 – LOL! Big smile! I got a kick out of reading that! Now copy and paste to submit to the “O” magazine, or Cosmo! Sweet! 😆



  367.  #367SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 7:06 am

    Andi,

    if you want to do something with him today, I would say, I am free between x and y, what did you have in mind?

    or you could sweetly say, “Alas, my dance card is full today.” You don’t even have to tell him you are booked for a date. Only that you are busy.

    It could be with gfs, you could be cleaning your house, doing your nails, washing your hair, reading a book… if you’ve booked time with any event, that’s your right.

    You could also gently suggest a day in the future that you have free time… as in, my calendar is booked solid right now, but Tuesday evening looks good at the moment. What he infers the calendar is booked with is up to him.

    Summerbaby



  368.  #368Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Andi,

    RE: #362 – Oh, now this is a delicious problem! It feels good to hear you circular dating! You asked, “Well, I am going out with someone else. What do I tell him???”

    How bout:

    “Oh, it would feel so good to be with you, but I’m booked until Wednesday! What do you think?”

    Then if he says something like, “What? Don’t you want to date me?”

    Say

    “Oh, that feels so weird to hear! I’d love to spend time with you! I’m just really busy and I need to plan in advance.”

    Voila! You just raised your degree of difficulty!



  369.  #369Lori on January 30, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Summerbaby,

    I feel good about Mr. Treatsmelikegold calling you every day. I feel consistency is key to knowing how a guy feels about me. One of my CD guys is like that.

    Where did you meet him? I always feel curious when a siren meets a good guy to know where they are meeting these guys!



  370.  #370Boomer on January 30, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Alicia….I know this topic has been thoroughly assessds and commented upon, but I think we all feel for you, and we older women might even be feeling protective of you.

    My bestie and I (see Annie Clyde above) went to see a band two years ago at a new place we had never been. We are fairly certain we were drugged there. I was driving and so I drank only diet Coke after an initial gin and tonic at an earlier restaurant dinner, so I KNOW alcohol was not an issue in my reaction.

    Let’s see if the symptoms are the same as what you felt: spinning, sudden and urgent vomiting and lots of it, amnesia (12 hours just GONE), felt like you’d been run over by a truck for two to three whole days, bizarre dreams???

    At one point, after the bartender got us cab and got us home (AC puked in the cab, which cost another 100 bucks), one of us must have decided to take a bath because my bathroom was flooded the next day when we finally came to. (I suspect it was me…I like to “wash the bar” off of me after a night out.)

    We thought we had food poisoning initially (I will never be able to eat at P.F. Chang’s again, I swear), because we BOTH got sick even though I did not drink. But then AC’s boyfriend said, “You guys got drugged!” And then it all fell into place. Ruphies will dissolve in Diet Coke just as readily as in alcohol. The next day a man named “Matt” texted me to “see how we were,” and I did not even remember giving him my number and barely remember talking to him. I suspect he was the culprit as we left our drinks on the bar and danced to one song we love (“Santeria” by Sublime, actually) before reclaiming our glasses.

    Thank God we had that bartender looking out for us and she called that cab. We went back later to talk to her and see what she remembered, and she insisted we were not that drunk based on what she’d served us (me especially), and that she knew something was up. She suspected this Matt guy also, whom she had never seen before or since. He left after we did.

    I suppose my point is that it can happen to anyone, even a cute little mommy type with a great job who’s “a nice girl,” and even if you are not drinking. Watch your drinks!! Finish your wine before you excuse yourself to the rest room. We too did not really think that it was really a drugging until a few weeks later when it all came together. You never want to think the worst of people, but wow, some folks just do crazy sh*t.

    Be careful, Alicia, but most of all, just be gentle and forgiving with yourself. I know you feel stupid, but YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG.

    And hat’s all I’m gonna say about that….



  371.  #371Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Andi,

    RE: #364 – Here are some suggestions for him texting or emailing too much:

    i feel sad… I don’t want a text only relationship.

    It feels nice to hear from you; I prefer we talk in human, what do you think?

    Siena:
    “I’m feeling bored with all the getting-to-know you emails, and I feel worried that I’ll lose interest if we don’t meet… what do you think?”
    Or
    “I’m feeling bored with all the getting-to-know you emails, and I feel worried that I’ll lose interest if we don’t meet. I don’t want an email-only relationship. What do you think?”

    Thanks for the message – I have decided to give up text-messaging – I like you and feel better when I can talk with you.

    Thanks for the text – just not the same as great conversation up close and personal! What do you think?

    Shannon:

    I feel interested in getting to know you. It would feel good to answer your questions in person. Sometimes email feels so impersonal. What do you think?

    “I’m feeling really confused…I’m feeling burned out on phone and email. Would you like to see me, or do you want to let this go?” Rori Raye

    I have decided I really don’t want to email much anymore. I am interested in meeting people, and from now on, most of my interactions will be live and in person. What do you think?



  372.  #372SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 7:16 am

    All this talk of rape and molesting has stirred up a bunch of stuff for me. I’ve been reading all the posts. I was molested for years as a young girl and had a series of other incidents of abuse as an adult, including being molested by my gynecologist and date raped, and stalked.

    I guess the thing that triggers me here the most is everyone advising Alicia to report him. It’s been my experience that #1 reporting is often met with disbelief and denial #2 you get victimized all over again when you report it and #3 you get blamed for causing it or “allowing” it in the first place. I am not trying to offend anyone here, this was my experience.

    Getting the courage to finally report an incident or incidents and then being met with indifference or denial from those who SHOULD support you and actually being blamed for causing it is enough to make you keep your mouth shut forever.

    I realize you all want to protect other women, but how far would you personally be willing to go in reporting something like that when it becomes he said she said? Would you really stand up when people come back and say how you are a party girl or some other nonsense, whether or not you are? When others villify you as if you were the one that did something wrong?

    Sorry, it’s just not as easy as filing a report. Please don’t take offense, this is my garbage and these are my triggers. Hear come the tears… Oh Sweet release!

    The best part that I ever took away from my experiences was that no matter what was done to my body, it didn’t have to be how I identified myself.
    Alicia, it’s wonderful that you are moving forward.

    Be kind to yourself no matter what!

    Big hugs to all and bigger hugs to those of us who’ve experienced this,

    Summerbaby



  373.  #373Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 7:23 am

    SummerBaby,

    I feel sad to hear you were not believed, etc. when you reported your rapes and violation. 🙁



  374.  #374SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Brenda,

    Thank you but my objective is not to make anyone feel sad.

    I just want Alicia to feel good about herself, as much as I want for myself, yourself and all of the other women here on this blog.

    To me, that’s what’s really important. Be kind to YOU!

    SummerBaby



  375.  #375Becky on January 30, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Re 361
    Andi,

    I totally get what you mean by ignoring emails and texts because I get overwhelmed with them and really, it’s a waste of my time. So, you don’t need to text him but when you see him face to face, you could say something like
    (and this is what I have said to a guy with whom I’ve gone on seven or eight dates now and very similar situations, sounds like):

    “It felt really weird being asked out last night because I had another date. I felt uncomfortable because I really like you and your company but I still feel like keeping my options open and dating other men. I don’t want someone to just hang out with just to take up my free time. I’m looking for a substantial, committed relationship (I don’t say marriage. I can’t say marriage just yet because that just feels too forward to me.) What do you think…?

    I used this last time and it really opened up some communication although I confess I hoped that he would be angrier about it so that I knew he cared lol. But, he agreed. Not sure if that was the right thing to do but it felt to me like I was being honest, speaking my peace, and it felt good.



  376.  #376Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 7:47 am

    @361: Andi says:
    “So this morning he emails me aksing me what my plans are today. Well, I am going out with someone else. What do I tell him??? …
    ,,,So I know he gets it, but he is pushing, I can tell. ”

    I’m curious; does he share his plans with you? It’s Sunday where I am; is there a reason he has made no plans with you for some part of the day?

    I don’t believe I need to tell one man all about another although I share what i’m doing in my life.

    If he’s not asking to spend time with you, how “can you tell he’s pushing?” And what is he pushing for?
    **************************

    “I’m meeting a friend for brunch and we’re going to an art exhibit.”

    “I’m going on a day trip to ________.”

    “I’m spending the day with friends.”

    “I’m working on my screenplay.”

    “I’m going to visit my relatives.”

    “I’m going shopping.”

    “I’m making __________”

    “I’m going to a movie.”

    “I’m going to a birthday party.”

    “I’m going hiking with a friend.”

    “I’m taking my granchildren out for fun after church.”

    These are some of my past Sundays. Your life might be more exciting and you might have more fun stuff to share, whatever it is you do on Sundays…

    I don’t use the words “CD.”

    xoxo
    SLV



  377.  #377Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 7:48 am

    Oooo, I feel triggered hearing about date rape. Not triggered by you, Alicia. Just triggered by the topic.

    I’ve been in similar situations. I, too, suspect some sort of drug. From what I understand, ecstasy can cause vomiting, especially when mixed with alcohol.

    Anyway, I feel glad that you are moving on Alicia. For me, dwelling on a situation never helps. It feels better when I just quickly get the message and/or learn my lesson and move on.

    I’m so glad that you are physically okay.

    Something like this has probably happened to most of us here at one time or another.

    I feel livid at that man, Aaron. Although it could have been someone else that drugged you, he still had no right to touch you while you were unconscious.

    Ugh, anger rising.

    I’m going to stop before I get too triggered thinking about this.

    The main thing I want to say Alicia, is that I’m glad you are okay and proud of you for moving forward.

    Xoxo



  378.  #378Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 7:59 am

    I feel violent when I think of men hurting women.

    I’m not normally a violent person but in this kind of situation my Mama Bear self comes out. An angry Mama Bear is a scary and powerful piece of nature. I feel like a Mama Bear.

    I feel this generalized anger towards clueless men who think they are giving a woman pleasure by invading her bum while she is passed out.

    Ugh! I feel livid. I want to tear his limbs of one by one and shove them in his bum.

    Haha! That feels a little extreme.

    I just feel sooooo livid. I feel triggered. I have had a similar experience and all the old feelings are being triggered.

    Oh god. And I feel upset with myself for letting it happen.

    I forgive myself.

    I want all men to know “don’t mess with mama bear”!

    Ugh. Processing this.

    Looking for the positive.

    Ugh



  379.  #379Andi on January 30, 2011 at 8:02 am

    Thank you Brenda and Summerbaby for the quick responses and your encouragement!

    I just emailed him back and told him I had a pretty busy day and left it at that. We phone and text very little, and I just send him quick emails in response to his.

    Summerbaby, I think I am having a similar experience. But I have only known this man for a week. He also treats me like gold…I feel very cared for by him in a way that I have not with any other man. He is very generous. But I am also very nervous. I really like him – he makes me feel safe and happy and secure – and he wants to do things with and for me…(not used to this!) I feel confident he would just want me to be his girlfriend and move forward – we have a very good connection. He is very selective about who he dates and how he spends his free time.

    It would be so easy for me to fall for him because I have never had a man treat me quite like this. He is very ambitious and successful and really goes after what he wants. I love the attention but it is has really been a test for me to keep my boundaries with CD. (But I have been able to do it! Yay!)

    I also am s*x starved and want him in that way too so I am trying to figure out what to do.

    What do y’all think? He will push, and I don’t want to lose him. Sorry if I am repeating myself a little. Just trying to figure out how to deal with it and process my thoughts.

    Having you ladies here to work through this with helps me SOOO much!



  380.  #380Lori on January 30, 2011 at 8:03 am

    UGH I feel so triggered today. Maybe from Alicia’s and other stories here. I feel suspicious and mistrustful of men right now, even my CD guy who has been really consistent. I don’t like feeling like this and I’m not sure why I’m feeling so strongly triggered today…



  381.  #381Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 8:04 am

    @369: Boomer says:
    “…My bestie and I (see Annie Clyde above)…”

    Is that her real name? It sounds like a real name, familiar and you’ve used it a couple times… Is there still a “Fountain Square?”

    xoxo
    SLV



  382.  #382Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 8:05 am

    @371: SummerBaby

    I’m real sad for you.

    xoxo
    SLV



  383.  #383Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Mama bear wants to cause destruction, wants to see this men shaking in their boots with respect for all women.

    Mama Bear wants to teach them a lesson.

    I know I may be soft and gentle on the outside but it doesn’t mean I can be taken advantage of.

    Mama Bear wants to hurt these men. Wants to teach them a lesson.

    I feel judgemental of myself now. I’m telling myself violence doesn’t solve anything.

    Oh well, I’m not really going to do anything but it feels good to acknowledge my power and desire.

    I feel good knowing that Mama Bear is in there and she will protect me if I need it.

    I love Mama Bear. I love me. I am okay. I am a different person than I was when those things happened. I am safe now.

    Wow! I feel surprised by how much anger I feel about this.



  384.  #384SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 8:13 am

    @ Lori 368 I met him on POF.

    I posted a profile that had no photo (because of stalking) and just basically described all the things I think are fun in life and what’s important to me.

    Instead of listing a laundry list of what I’m looking for, I said, I’m hoping for enough in common to have a real connection and enough differences to have interesting things to talk about.

    In the area for first date description I said something like hopefully your sense of humor will shine through whatever we begin with.

    He contacted me. His profile is VERY short, but what is in it sounds good. I like positive and upbeat.

    I have spent the last year ACTIVELY making conscious note everytime I observe ANY man with a trait I think is worthy of me… whether he’s married, single, gay, etc. I don’t tell anyone else, I just observe it and sometimes journal it.

    This was to wrap my mind around the fact that there ARE wonderful men out there and I am seeing them!

    I really think this opened my heart to be available to someone worthy of me. Rewriting old beliefs takes conscious effort to work with how your thinking habits operate and rewire the brain synapsis! Not sure if I used the terminology correctly but hopefully, you know what I mean.

    Summerbaby



  385.  #385Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 8:16 am

    In a way, I feel a little disturbed by how much anger I feel right now.

    I also feel in awe of it. Wow! There is a part of me that is so strong and powerful. Not that anger = strength and power. But I have a part of me that is my protector and she is fierce. She rarely ever has to come out, but I feel relief knowing she is there.

    Maybe this is my shadow side? What if I did the stranger exercise with her?

    Yes, this feels right.



  386.  #386Andi on January 30, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Hi SLV,

    The reason I am saying he is pushing is because I told him earlier in the week that I would not be able to see him Saturday evening or Sunday because I had plans. He emailed me today and said he was doing so and so today and then asked what I was up to. It was very casual. BUT the vibe I get is that he wants to be with me and would do so as much as possible.

    I do feel pushed sometimes. For example, he will say can I see you tomorrow night, and I’ll say I am going out with my girlfriends, and then he is like, well let me see how I can work my magic and still see you. And then he said well can’t I meet you after you go out with your friends…and this is kind of how it goes.

    How much of the pushing by him is real or perceived I am not sure of, I just know that I was just with a very controlling man, so much so that I allowed him/our relationship to control what I did even though he was long distance, so I am very nervous. AND, of course, there is still that fear of rejection when I say NO to a man for any reason, large or small.

    I think one of the reasons he is attracted to is me precisely because I am not like other women he has dated and want to talk marriage as soon as they meet him.

    Ughh…I think I may be putting in too much effort here, as Rori says.

    I just think I have a tiger by the tail here, and I really like him but I don’t know how to handle him (or me) yet.

    In the past, if I connected with a guy a liked, it became “exclusive” for us really quick. That has been my pattern. So this is really hard and I have a fear of rejection.

    And, I do have a date planned tonight, so I would have felt comfortable saying, oh I have a date with another man. So I told him I was busy….



  387.  #387Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 8:19 am

    Summerbaby! I love what you say in #383.



  388.  #388Andi on January 30, 2011 at 8:23 am

    See, he’s pushing! He just said back to me by email, well I have a pretty busy work week next week, but I am open today to see a movie…do you want to go just let me know.

    I feel pushed. I just saw him a lot yesterday.

    He may just be a normal guy showing normal interest and wants to see a woman he is attracted to as much as possible.

    But I feel nervous and pushed. It is bad for me because I don’t know what a healthy balance in relationships is.



  389.  #389Andi on January 30, 2011 at 8:23 am

    See, he’s pushing! He just said back to me by email, well I have a pretty busy work week next week, but I am open today to see a movie…do you want to go just let me know.

    I feel pushed. I just saw him a lot yesterday.

    He may just be a normal guy showing normal interest and wants to see a woman he is attracted to as much as possible.

    But I feel nervous and pushed. It is bad for me because I don’t know what a healthy balance in relationships is.



  390.  #390SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Andi 378,

    Don’t worry about him so much… the second you think I worry about losing him, you make him more important than you. He is HIS priority, and YOU should be YOURS!

    Put yourself first. The whole point of CDing is for you to feel so good about yourself that your Mr. TreatsMeLikeGold will say, “Damn, I want HER for mind for all time!”

    Put your needs first. If he’s as great as we think, he will step up and do whatever it takes. I think we are in too much of a rush. Let’s agree to just relax and enjoy the moment we face right now! Breathe!

    We need to stop worrying so much about every little thing we say and do and start paying attention to how we feel and realize that we are WORTH their effort. We are like a goal to achieve and we all know that the harder we have to work for a goal, the better we appreciate it when we get there.

    I so want to be appreciated, so I am practicing relaxing and enjoying the ride.

    Summerbaby



  391.  #391Andi on January 30, 2011 at 8:25 am

    I say he is pushing because he does ask to see me quite a lot.



  392.  #392Lori on January 30, 2011 at 8:26 am

    Summerbaby

    RE#383

    What do you mean “because of stalking”? I feel curious about this. And also what your results have been without a picture. What kind of men have been contacting you? Have you met this good guy in person yet? If so, did you exchange photos before you met? I feel curious as to how it would differ having a profile without a picture as opposed to the one I have with a picture, and if stalking is something I should feel concerned about…



  393.  #393Andi on January 30, 2011 at 8:33 am

    389: SummerBaby

    Thank you Summerbaby.

    I just want to do my errands, rest (I have a cold) and then go out on my other date tonight.

    I enjoy being with him but don’t want to squeeze in a movie, not today.

    I need to be able to say to him, I would love to see a movie with you, but today isn’t good. Why is that so hard for me. I will do it. It makes me feel bad to have to worry about this. *Red flag* if I am feeling bad, I am overdoing.

    And thank you for reminding me to relax and rest and put myself first. That is what I want to do today. Relax and rest. I don’t have to feel bad that I can’t accomodate his schedule to see me. And I already told him I was booked! Pfft!

    We’ll see.

    I don’t know if I am being manipulated or if I am having aftershocks from my last relatioship.



  394.  #394SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Andi,

    Tell him you are also busy and he would get much better results with seeing you if he booked you a little further in advance…. that once you make plans with people, you are old-fashioned in that you like to stick with the plans.

    his week is busy suggest he book you for next weekend before your friends fill those days! 😉

    summerbaby



  395.  #395Boomer on January 30, 2011 at 8:33 am

    SLV, that is a close approximation of her name, and that was actually her grandmother’s name. I’m trying to protect the guilty here a little 😉 But she is exactly as I have described her and more. Larger than life. A Female Force of Nature. I’ve learned a lot from her.

    Also, my name is not REALLY Boomer. (No!???) I am a Battlestar Galactica fanatic (the newer series reboot on Syfy a few years ago), and I love the character Boomer because she’s a Cylon and does not even know it. She has this POWER is not even aware of it. I feel kind of like her sometimes. And I dressed as her for Halloween last year, and no one got it, but I got it, and that’s what mattered,

    Feeling cheeky today….



  396.  #396Andi on January 30, 2011 at 8:35 am

    @ SummerBaby

    said: We need to stop worrying so much about every little thing we say and do and start paying attention to how we feel and realize that we are WORTH their effort.

    ***

    Yes, I need to do that!



  397.  #397Darling Ella on January 30, 2011 at 8:38 am

    Boomer #360

    Wow…U described the synergy between my gf and I (actually more than one) perfectly 🙂

    Most of my gf are bubbly, fun, and pretty good looking…I was/am never intimated by beautiful women…:) About five years ago, I had a Model looking African-American friend…about ten years younger than me…she and I would cruise PDX clubbing and dinning…Gosh, it was fun like heck…I learned quite a bit from her about being approachable by men…She went back to CA unfortunately…we still stay in touch sometimes…

    They describe me as the Queen/Executive type by my walk and interaction with people…I can see the compliment and ok, I appreciate it…but, it is also the answer as to why I am not easily approachable by men and women…

    Having gfs who like the attention and are not afraid to ask for it…does take the pressure off of me…thus, I can stay back, observe, pick and choose who I think it’s worthy of my attention…Yep, as I write this I realize it’s pretty arrogant of me…:(

    I am working on becoming softer on the outside…Rori’s tools do work on accomplishing that 🙂

    I love your stories…Gosh, I have quite a few myself…Do u leave in the NW?

    Warm hugs,



  398.  #398Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 8:52 am

    @379: Lori says:
    “UGH I feel so triggered today..”

    There is triggering around this issue that I’m summing up by something I read or heard, I think it was literary but I can’t remember the source and I hope I am paraphrasing it correctly: “A girl child is not safe in world of men…”

    I had something else come up, another memory triggered that I NEVER PUT TOGETHER in several decades.

    When I was a tiny girl — probably pre-kindergarten age I was watching TV at a neighbor’s house and her son told me “you have a little pussy, tickle, tickle” and put his hands inside my panties. He was perhaps eleven or twelve. I didn’t even know what that meant, my mother alway said “pussycat” for pet cats.

    I told him to stop and pulled at his arm but even though he was a child too he was a lot bigger and stronger than I. It was only a few seconds but I was an infuriated child and for the first time in my short child’s life I felt vulnerable and fending for myself. And my feelings were hurt.

    When he did the tickle, tickle routine again a few minutes later, I jumped off the sofa, smoothed down my cute little dress and announced “I’m going home now.” and ran out of the house, across a few backyards and arrived home. I was not allowed to do this by myself so my mother was very surprised to see me.

    I told my mother what happened, she made me a snack, told me not to leave the house and she was out of there in a flash. My mother told me what the boy did wasn’t nice and I could not go back there again to watch television (television was very rare in those days.)

    I already knew that what that little boy did was wrong when I told him to stop and he did not. I’ve always remembered that.

    Now, what was triggered that I didn’t remember or even put together until the wee hours this morning was… that was the week that we got our TV. My father bought me a TV!… oh, the tears flowed this morning when I put that together. My Daddy bought me a TV! Oh, I wish I could have thanked him but he’s been gone a long time. (well, lately he’s been coming back after a few decades…that’s another story)

    I was so very young at the time and I never made the connection. My father never said a word to me about the incident, maybe in those days men didn’t talk to their pre-schoolers that way, maybe they still don’t.

    Getting a television set was a big deal in those days…this was early 1950ish…it was in a big wooden cabinet, small round screen and in those days comparatively, extremely expensive. I remember now my mother saying “your father is a very good provider, always marry a man who is a good provider.” My brother and I were dancing around the new television set and weren’t paying much attention to that, my mother was always saying that anyway.

    That was my father’s man’s way of making a little girl feel safe and secure, a way of taking care of his family. I am really grateful and wish I could thank him for this thing I understand now — after all these years!!! — but I didn’t know then.

    But that’s another thing I want in a relationship… a man who does things to make me feel better when he knows I am upset.

    xoxo
    SLV



  399.  #399Boomer on January 30, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Hi, Darling Ella! So cool that you too understand that having a FABULOUS FRIEND is a good thing and not a competition thing. Some of my other female friends hate Annie Clyde. And in some cases, they are justified. AC is a high-degree-of-difficulty woman and person. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with her myself–I find her selfish and not always a good mother, but that’s not mine to judge or comment on unless a) she asks what I think or b) her self-focus impinges on my boundaries (which it occasionally does). Men WORSHIP this woman. And sometimes that turns to a desire to possess and control her, which freaks me out. And she uses them for money and can be very manipulative. But it works for her (until the possession and the crazy control behavior begins). Rori’s approach is much more suited to me and my personality (and my ultimate desire to be loved deeply, cherished, and respected), but AC has taught me a lot about adoring MYSELF first and about commanding a male audience if/when I want to.

    I’m not in the Northeast, sadly. It seems so hip and so unlike my little Midwestern existence. I am in the Cincinnati area. It’s a nice little place for raising children, but as soon as the last chickie flies the coop (10 more years!), I am OUUTA HERE! I am going to Napa to finish sommelier school and culinary school, then on to Italy, Australia, Argentina, and all points beyond! I want to drink wine, eat food, make food, see it all and write about it. Sometimes I think I am absolutely bursting with sensuality about food, wine, textures, experiences, and yes, sex. (Gotta get me some of that last one soon…).

    Was that TMI? LOL..you only asked where I live. Ha!

    Still feeling cheeky!



  400.  #400SummerBaby on January 30, 2011 at 8:55 am

    Lori @391,

    I was stalked multiple times. I have to say though, that I believe it was some sort of victim vibe I put out there. This was early after my divorce. I was incredibly hurt and my self esteem was at an all time low. I alternately repelled every great guy with overfunctioning to being repelled by many guys I wasn’t attracted to. Some of them wouldn’t accept goodbye and continued to pursue me. When they started showing up places I would be and knew things they shouldn’t know about me, I realized I had a problem.

    When I started looking at what was going on over a couple of years, I realized it cannot be all them, I must be putting something out there unconsciously that is bringing this to me. I need to work on healing me first. So I stopped dating and began attempting to heal. The more I focused on myself and feeling better, the better experiences I began having.

    Since the stalkers know what I look like, I keep my photos hidden. I have been called “drop-dead gorgeous” and when I put photos on a profile, answering emails became a full time job. Please don’t think I am conceited. I look in the mirror and have no clue what others see. I tend to discount the flattery for my looks because really, it’s not like anyone has much control over how they look.

    As far as my results have been, this latest foray was an experiment. I met 3 great guys face to face. One is definitely not for me, although he’s crazy about me. We are not well suited to each other and so I’ve stopped seeing him. Another I had to postpone our second date and he never followed up to reschedule.
    The third is Mr. TreatsMeLikeGold.

    I think your attitude when you are writing your profile is of utmost importance. It’s a lot like an ad for any product out there. Sorry but that’s the truth. The most successful advertising tugs at your emotional buttons and the same is true for a dating profile.

    So what is it about you that makes your heart sing? Working with children? Playing music? Creating a garden for peaceful contemplation? Write about how whatever it is feels, create those feelings for someone else.

    Someone reading what makes you delighted will connect with it and think, wow, I wanna know more. I offer to share photos if they want to know more. It increases your odds.

    My case was extreme and I have had far less communications with no photo than with… but I’m okay with it. If I was to include a photo now, it would be either slightly out of focus or I’d be wearing sunglasses or somewhat distant.

    I don’t think everyone has to worry about stalking. I think having clear boundaries about what you will accept and will not will eliminate most of this behavior. Once I started realizing I can say NO and stopped worrying about hurting feelings and realized that MY feelings were just as important, my results changed for the better.

    Okay, off to get ready for my date.



  401.  #401Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Sirens….please look at this.

    I have told him (this is the third time) I am busy today. (When I said today, I meant ALL day, do I have to clarify!)

    My response to him this morning:

    Me:
    I would love to see you and go to a movie but today doesn’t work for me. I am pretty busy next week too. It works better for me if we can plan in advance. Should we try next weekend? When is a good time for you, just let me know.

    And this is what he says just now:

    Him:
    Let me know if you wanna go for a movie in the evening. I will have a busy week from tomorrow so I wanna use every opportunity I have

    WTF. I am feeling a little nuerotic.



  402.  #402Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 9:04 am

    Andi,

    RE: #383 – “But I feel nervous and pushed.”

    The whole central idea here is for us to be true to our feelings in the moment. If I were you, I would tell him! I would just make a feeling message out of that! Here are a few other ideas:

    I’m feeling my boundaries are being pushed, and sometimes I feel unheard.

    I don’t want to feel like I’m being pushed and pulled, and I feel disrespected when I repeatedly say I already have plans.

    I feel unheard and frustrated. I don’t want to be repeatedly encouraged to do things when I already said I’m busy.

    Take your pick! Hope this helps!



  403.  #403Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Andi,

    RE: #401 – Wow, he’s ducking feaf!



  404.  #404Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Boomer,

    Re: #399 – You go! 😆



  405.  #405Darling Ella on January 30, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Boomer:

    OMG…U also have my type of thinking…:) As soon as my son is in college (he is 11 now), I am out of here as well…I am originally from Europe…yet, my calling is reaching the African Nations/Middle Eastern Nations…through various missions…:)

    I am a dreamer that one day…there will be one World Nation…with a multitude of nationalities…where we all embrace one another culture and differences…:) I dare to dream 🙂

    Cincinnati u say? I was there in 2009 for 2 weeks. Will likely be there again this summer or next year…They have the best Children hospital in the country…My son will soon be due for some major surgeries.

    Currently, we leave in the Portland, Or area…If in the area…would love to connect…:)

    Warm hugs,



  406.  #406Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 9:09 am

    @377: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…clueless men who think they are giving a woman pleasure by invading her bum while she is passed out….”

    This could be…but IMHO I don’t believe the guy actually thought he was giving pleasure; I believe he was experimenting for his own curiousity and pleasure.

    xoxo
    SLV



  407.  #407Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 9:12 am

    SLV,

    RE: #398 – Thanks for sharing!



  408.  #408Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Oooo SLV, I feel tears in my eye reading about your daddy and the tv.

    I love my dad so much. We live across the country and don’t talk all that often but we love each other deeply.

    A few days ago I felt moved to text him. Here’s our exchange:

    Me: Dad, I just wanted to tell you that I really love you.

    Dad: That is the best text message I have ever got. Love you too. I’m a very proud pappy.

    Awww, it felt so great to receive that response. We are both a bit understated with our expressions of love and it was really nice to just let him know how much I care about him.

    I feel so happy to hear that your father has been around to connect with you. I truly believe in our power to do that.

    I have a deep fear of when my father passes on. I feel relieved when I remember that he will always be there.



  409.  #409Darling Ella on January 30, 2011 at 9:18 am

    SLV #397:

    I deeply felt your story…It brought some similar memories of my own back in the days…

    Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  410.  #410Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:19 am

    Wow Brenda, thank you. I guess it is a novel idea for me to say,

    “Hey, dude, I really do want to see you, but I don’t feel heard. I have told you I am busy 3 times. It makes me feel bad.”

    I am afraid to say that because why?….I don’t want him to have his feelings hurt? I don’t want to be rude? Because I don’t want him to feel rejected? Because I am afraid he will go away and reject me?

    Yes, I am worrying about him too much, and NOT me! I need to worry more about how I am feeling (thanks SummerBaby for the reminder.)

    I appreciate his tenacity, but I don’t want to reward controlling behavior???

    Thank you Brenda, really food for thought.

    I am afraid to use a feeling message back in a response to him. I just want to say thanks but lets try again another day. Maybe I should use a feeling message and see how he reacts. Don’t know but this is already taking waaaay to much energy and effort. But I am learning through it.



  411.  #411Femininewoman on January 30, 2011 at 9:20 am

    RE 392 Andi I think if you read through a lot of what is written her you will see that many ladies experience the “initial” pushing from men. I believe it is always okay to say “I want to take things slowly”. If he is really interested, that will not put him off. If you feel like you are “sex starved” it is not a reason to allow the man to push you or for you to just give yourself away to a virtual stranger. Also guys tend to cool off when they get you in that way. Think of your other experiences after you had sex and see if you can identify that pattern. I had a girl in my office who kept a guy waiting one whole year even though he wanted to get intimate in that way. He eventually started to become “controlling” in her eyes and decided to set him loose. In any event I have heard a coach encourage women to make short term commitments such as ensure that dates are all outdoors because men like to get naked when indoors. Also agree with to work on getting to know each other for a month before the heavy cuddling and stuff. She said by the second month they seemed to be uncomfortable so she told them it was not fair and she was moving on. Of course the guy would get upset and not want to let her go. My point is if you keep your degree of difficulty high he will continue pushing. They do like to wait for sex and they value women who value themselves. Don’t worry about putting him off and not going out with him when he wants, do it when you want. It will show much long he is willing to wait for you and how much effort he wants to put in. Remember they always do what they want to do.



  412.  #412Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Oh, ok, he just got the last message and said he would keep me posted on his schedule. He understood but he would miss me. And he asked for my picture! Awww Yay!

    Wow is this how healthy relationships work. :O

    See how gittery I am here, how I rush to hyperanalyze and get way too nervous too early over nothing. It is an auto response.

    Like I am a nervous jumpy cat or something. I want to get better!

    Thank you Sirens!



  413.  #413Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:27 am

    That too eager to please desire is so intense for me. It is so ingrained.



  414.  #414Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Andi: sounds like this is great practice. Awesome!



  415.  #415Laughing Goddess on January 30, 2011 at 9:32 am

    Still working thru this intense anger I feel about men hurting woman.

    Ugh!

    Anger is an interesting emotion.

    I don’t feel it often.

    Stranger exercise. Must do it.



  416.  #416Femininewoman on January 30, 2011 at 9:34 am

    RE 411 I like nervous jumpy cat I am going to add that to my feeling messages.



  417.  #417Simply Shannon on January 30, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Alicia, I feel really proud of the way you are handling yourself. I wonder if this guy is even aware that what he did would feel so horrible to a woman. I feel hypocritical even saying that to you given that I have never told the guy what he did to me felt awful. Hmmm… maybe that’s on God’s agenda for me. Don’t know. That feels scary. Eek.

    And I really loved what you said about your former beau – “Life still brings me all these little signs about him and I just smile when I see them and say who knows what the future holds.” And this “But, the break thru… was just to allow myself to feel the love and not fight it, or try to hold on to it, or be sad about it. I just accepted it. And had a great day. I seemed way more pleasant.”

    Yes, I’m going to use this for my heart. When I was getting those messages/signs about Mr. Fab Kisser, I believed God was directing me to contact him. The signs were the most random things ever. But now with your words, I’m going to treat them as signs of love and signs of the future (not the past). And who knows. No reason to lean forward. I got the signals crossed God. Thank you for having Alicia write the words here!

    I really like that. Thank you Alicia!

    Oh and one more thing. I really appreciate how you have handled this experience and that you learned the lesson. I keep wanting to make my (and yours) rape story bigger in my head. Even calling it rape feels bad to me. (Totally get the “crime scene” image you mentioned.) Not to diminish it at all but hanging on to being a victim doesn’t help me. I’m practicing this right now. This happened to me but it doesn’t define me. I know now how to handle myself differently, not in fear but in the positive light that this will NOT happen to me again. Thank you Alicia! I worked out some stuff in my mind reading along with your story.



  418.  #418Simply Shannon on January 30, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Nancy, 324 – that’s exactly what I thought. The message from God was for ME to finally let him go. And let me tell ya… that door got SLAMMED shut. LOL! I really feel okay with this. I don’t miss him at all. Truly. The way he stated the “ending” feels pretty sh*tty to me but maybe I needed to hear it that way to keep his a$$ off my horse. It’s all good. Thank you for commenting to me!



  419.  #419Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:36 am

    410: Femininewoman

    Thank you for sharing this.

    I kinda leaped ahead with the ‘at his house already cuddling’ bit. So now he really wants IT. And so do I.

    But this gives me perspective to shut that down and do more out on the town things for the rest of the month. I don’t need to put myself in that position. If I am not there at his house there won’t be so much tempation.

    And I need to realize that is ok for me to say I want to slow it down. Wow I really have a hard time really saying how i feel to guys 🙁

    And yes, thank you for the reminder that they do what they want to do. They do, and so should I!



  420.  #420Simply Shannon on January 30, 2011 at 9:37 am

    Jennifer, A “sin against love”… oh sista girl. I’m stealing this quote! Yes!

    Gosh I want to have a love like you wrote…

    “I just really feel that when a person loves you, is standing in front of you with their heart hanging out, trusting you. Hoping for the best FOR YOU. Hating on anyone who hurts YOU. Doing everything they can to help YOU. That is owed some respect.”

    Love it!

    This is how *I* want to love someone else too! Oh yeah!!



  421.  #421Simply Shannon on January 30, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Boomer, I am laughing out loud about “second lieutenant”!! Hahaha!! And here’s the thing. I don’t really want to manhunt like that at all but last night with the girls I was with, it was literally “hey do you see that guy… think he’s cute?” And I get caught in the web right along with them. I’m just seeing that the bar situation is not for me. I’d rather have an activity or something. Standing around drinking just seems like prom where we’re all waiting for a guy to ask us to dance. 🙂 Thanks chicka! And I’d love to hear the stories about AC!



  422.  #422Simply Shannon on January 30, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Andi, I feel good reading your posts. You’re seeing this now and learning. That’s what this whole process is. Now you realize you have a hard time telling guys what you want. Babysteps to change that. You’re doing that now! 🙂



  423.  #423Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:44 am

    @ 415: Femininewoman

    On the flip side of the nervous jumpy cat image I also make an image that is lighter and more playful about myself (so I don’t feel so negative.)

    It is more like I am a cute little fluffy kitten that gets overly excited and pounces on yarn or jumps around at little things that upset or scare her. Usually the things that startle the kitten really aren’t scary at all. That is how I feel a lot so I use this image and it makes me feel like it is just part of who I am and it is cute and ok.

    And cute fluffy kittens make me feel good!



  424.  #424Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 9:47 am

    @407: Laughing Goddess says:
    “…I have a deep fear of when my father passes on. I feel relieved when I remember that he will always be there….”

    It’s good you still have your father, mine passed away thirty years ago. When he died, it was just me and him together, me holding his hand.

    I’ve been talking about my father a lot in last couple of months and this is unusual! I’ve talked more about him to friends and especially on this blog in last few months than in ALL the years since he died.

    I think one reason is the Christmas season, I do tend to think of him then, since he died at Christmas. Another big thing is I had medical problem this summer and also at same time unfortunate romantic attachment. Things got so bad I called on my father to help me out, and he did… I don’t want to get supernatural or spooky because I am also very surprised.

    In May last year I moved back to building I’d lived in eleven years ago. It’s rumoured to be “haunted.” Strange things go on here and have for years but never in a bad evil spirit way, always good vibes, good feelings.

    I have strong impression the earth where building now sits had something else here in another millenium…I don’t know what…something… But it’s good stuff so I’m happy.

    xoxo
    SLV



  425.  #425Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Actually that is what my man used to say when I would get that way and all riled up over little things. He would diffuse it and say awwww you are just such a cute little feisty kitten! Made me feel good and helped put things back in perspective.

    There were a lot of things that were so good about him. 🙁 tears



  426.  #426Darling Ella on January 30, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Gosh, I am looking at profiles on match.com…Geez…I feel so turned off…90% of them look like they just woke up…and had a night of binge drinking…:( Yuck…

    And what’s up with the baseball hats…even more turned off…:(



  427.  #427Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:56 am

    @ 421: Simply Shannon

    yes, baby steps, Shannon. 🙂

    That reminds me of a Fergie songs that says:

    I must take the baby steps until I’m full grown….



  428.  #428Andi on January 30, 2011 at 9:58 am

    The smell of your skin lingers on me now
    You’re probably on your flight back to your home town
    I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
    To be with myself and center
    Clarity, peace, serenity

    And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
    But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
    It’s time to be a big girl now

    The path that I’m walkin,’ I must go alone
    I must take the baby steps ’til I’m full grown, full grown
    Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
    And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

    Like the little school mate in the school yard
    We’ll play jacks and Uno cards
    I’ll be your best friend and you’ll be mine
    Valentine

    Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
    ‘Cause I want to hold yours too
    We’ll be playmates and lovers
    And share our secret worlds

    But it’s time for me to go home



  429.  #429Brenda on January 30, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Andi,

    RE: #410 – For me, it went from being way out of my comfort zone to being in it. I have found very positive results from feeling messages. YW.



  430.  #430Simply Shannon on January 30, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Hold the frickin’ phone batman.

    My heart is pounding. Adrenaline rush here.

    A) I messaged Mr. Manly Man last night because… well hell… I thought if I booted Mr. Fab Kisser off the island, I may as well check in with Mr. Manly Man too. 🙂 He just messaged me this morning and I got to tell him how I felt that night he pressured me into having sex without a condom. (Yes he’s the one that happened with.) And I feel good. Holy shit! I did it. I feel scared but I did it. Who knows if he’ll respond. I really don’t care. He’s either booted off the island too or… I don’t know.

    B) And in other random news, a previous CD who I thought was married just messaged me on OkCupid. What the hell? This is a boy I have always loved and who has always been the one who got away (since like high school!). Why is he messaging me now? Is he married or no?

    God, what in the world is going on? Clear signals please. Only clear signals. Amen.



  431.  #431Lori on January 30, 2011 at 10:00 am

    SLV,

    Your story made me tear up, how beautiful! Thanks for sharing that.

    I may be feeling triggered because even though I have never had the horrible experiences Alicia and some of the other women on here have had, I have been treated like a sex object my entire adult life. I’m a former swimsuit model-even had some pretty widely distributed posters back in the day. Even at my age now, I’m in “shape” if you know what I mean. I love my body, don’t get me wrong, and I know it is often the first thing men notice about me and are attracted to. But I am so much more than just a body. I want so badly for someone to love the real me that’s inside. My dream would be for a man to love everything else about me first and feel my body is just the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

    But time and time again, I attract men who are just interested in the physical. I remember being so proud when I got my college degree in biochemistry, a very difficult subject. I remember my then boyfriend and I were out and I was talking to our friends about my studies and he interrupted me and told them “she’s a swimsuit model for godsakes! what does she need a degree for?” It really hurt my feelings because I had worked so hard to accomplish that and he just dismissed it.

    I feel sad, I feel like crying. I love my body, but sometimes it keeps men from wanting to see past it to my heart…



  432.  #432Andi on January 30, 2011 at 10:08 am

    428: Brenda

    Yes they are new and kind of scary to me sometimes. Your suggestions for messages have been really helpful to me.



  433.  #433Andi on January 30, 2011 at 10:13 am

    Simply Shannon said:

    “I thought if I booted Mr. Fab Kisser off the island…”

    Ha! That made me laugh! Love the image.

    I want to meet a Mr. Fab Kisser around here. I have been wondering if I should put it in my profile where it says what do you want most in another person: Must be awesome kisser.

    Hell, why not. But I’m too chicken. lol



  434.  #434Lori on January 30, 2011 at 10:20 am

    Andi,

    Yeah, problem is, they all think they’re fab kissers! The ones that kiss the worst think they’re the best kissers! LOL



  435.  #435Andi on January 30, 2011 at 10:24 am

    Simply Shannon,

    I love your Batman references. One of the men I am seeing has 2 phones, his Blackberry, and then his super top secret private black phone that he keeps in his pocket. I call it his “Bat phone” but I don’t think he gets the reference, he’s not originally from here. Still it makes me chuckle.



  436.  #436Andi on January 30, 2011 at 10:26 am

    @ 433: Lori

    Lori said: Yeah, problem is, they all think they’re fab kissers! The ones that kiss the worst think they’re the best kissers! LOL

    ***

    Haha so true! That is why I won’t post it! Plus I could just see all these tongues flying on the first date! 😀



  437.  #437Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 10:31 am

    @DE @Brenda @LG

    😀

    xoxo
    SLV



  438.  #438Senior Lady Vibe on January 30, 2011 at 10:42 am

    I’m running around off and on computer, I’m losing track of posts.

    But was it @Summerbaby?? re: photos

    I’m finally finishing up the EMK book on Internet Dating. He recommends “no photo” as an option. Particulary for women who are pretty and otherwise get many, many responses. He writes that very pretty women can attract huge numbers but the quality of men can be low.

    Instead, he recommends alternate method of using a super wonderful profile and secondly also sending an email to specific men with profiles that interest us. Photos are sent after man responds and interest is established. This is not entirely a Rori method but I believe different methods work differently for different people and a little tweaking is sometimes in order.

    No photo might work well for women who would normally get tons of men who only want to hit on her for sex.

    xoxo
    SLV



  439.  #439Lori on January 30, 2011 at 10:52 am

    Andi,

    I’m imagining your inbox full of bad breath no teeth guys swearing thy’re the best kissers you ever met if you will just give them the chance to show you! LMAO!!!!!!



  440.  #440Andi on January 30, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Hi SLV, how many photos does Evan suggest? I have been curious about his online dating materials and what he has to say. Is there a book? Or is it on CDs.



  441.  #441Andi on January 30, 2011 at 10:58 am

    438: Lori

    haha eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!



  442.  #442Nancy on January 30, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Good morning Siren Island!

    @SS Plenty of fab kissers are heading your way. 🙂

    @ Andi Can I make a suggestion? Maybe you just used too many words in your IM to Mr. Movieman. Maybe try saying what RR suggests: “Oh, I’d love to see a movie with you, but I’m booked for the entire day today. But I’d love to and am free on Wednesday.”
    This lets him know you’re interested and ups your degree of difficulty. When I read your IM to him, it feels just a little, well, like you’re too busy to see him, or that you don’t like to be spontaneous. And I just know you do!



  443.  #443Nancy on January 30, 2011 at 11:23 am

    @Andi’s 385

    Could you get to know him a bit and then see whether you feel he’s pushy and controlling. It sounds as though he could just be really, really excited and intent on meeting you and getting to know you. You can weed him out at any point. If you’re feeling nervous about him being controlling, you might keep all your dates with him in public places for a while. Just sayin’.



  444.  #444Nancy on January 30, 2011 at 11:27 am

    @ archerie’s 353

    LMAOLMAOLMAO! Those are SO funny. I had a great time reading them. 😀