Does He Love You Unconditionally – Evan Marc Katz

Untitled design (14)

I just got a newsletter from Evan Marc Katz (and I’ve asked him for some guest posts and to show up here, too…) and so I’m going to use what he said – which I think is HUGE, here – to jump off.

Evan is responding to letter from a woman, Wanda,” who’s pining over her ex-boyfriend, who’s now a friend,” and who she hopes will return to “boyfriend” status and hopefully become “husband.”

Evan just shoots right for the bottom line here, bypassing any other thing we could all say to Wanda and nails it. Hearing this from a man who’s dated so many hundreds of women and is now happily married really cements the idea:

From Evan Marc Katz

He says:

“Wanda’s wondering about how to get him back. She’s hoping that their friendship turns back into a relationship. She’s “dating” but not really giving herself to the process.

In other words, she is pining for the return of a man who does not love her unconditionally.

You’ve probably done the same thing.

But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally? Wouldn’t you figure that this should be a pre-condition for any man who’s going to spend his life with you? I sure do.

In fact, if I’m building the perfect man, I’m starting there and working backwards:
1. Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.

2. Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc.

Yet all I hear about, over and over, is the amazing, tall, cute, sexy, charismatic, funny, successful guy who breaks your heart when he doesn’t want to commit to you.

Well, guess what?

That guy SUCKS!

Your husband DOESN’T leave you.

Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw.

Okay – so here we have a man – a really well known and great-track-record-dating-coach-for-women – saying that if a man is not “sticking” like glue to you – THAT is his FUNDAMENTAL FLAW!

I LOVE this concept. It’s as though nothing matters, nothing at all except how a man behaves towards you. And no amount of kindness and goodness matters, either – if he’s not wanting to stay with you permanently.

That’s it.

His permanency is his gold badge – not ANYTHING else about him.

So – follow Evan’s advice and start from HERE: Does he want to be with me forever. Does he love me unconditionally. Can I be myself around him and feel secure that he’s not going to go anywhere?

If you’re walking on eggshells around a man – something’s not right. And as you learn, with my Tools, to speak from your heart and feel what you feel and express what you feel more and more, in baby-steps…you’ll discover exactly what makes a man worthwhile for you.

Evan has lots of free advice on his site, cool videos and a terrific free newsletter and blog  (I’ve known Evan a long time, and followed his books and work).  He’s a really great, nice guy who’s helped tons of people find each other online, and he found his own woman – now wife –  after a long search –  he has lots to say…get Evan’s free newsletter here-> www.evanmarckatz.com

Love, Rori

Posted in ,

110 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on March 19, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    In fact, if I’m building the perfect man, I’m starting there and working backwards:
    1. Most important quality: Loves you unconditionally. Will stick by you for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part.

    2. Second most important quality: Everything else – height, weight, age, income, education, etc.

    I LOVE this guest post – rare. oh i love this shit. oh i feel excited to formulate this ina simple mantra for me that i can share with men when i feel at a loss for words



  2.  #2Daria on March 19, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    I’m just going to stand here until you tell me what to do



  3.  #3Lori on March 19, 2010 at 4:41 pm

    I LOVE this! I already decided after standing up to my mom and dad- who are hands down the two scariest people on the entire planet- that I REFUSE to walk on eggshells for ANYONE, ANYMORE. From here on out, I am MYSELF as I AM. The man who ends up with me is just gonna have to live with that!

    Other than POSSIBLY Mr. Fabulous, NONE of my CD men fill or even have the capacity to fill as far as I can see, the very first requirment here, which is “loves me unconditionally.” Might be time to add to my rotation and maybe move some more out….(the verdict is still out on Mr. Fabulous because he is fabulous WHEN I see him, but is one of the workaholic types and not nearly as present as I want for myself)

    Funny, when Mr. Fabulous took me on the dinner cruise last week, I was worried I’d get seasick because so many other people did that night as the water was abnormally rough. He looked me straight in the eyes and said “Don’t worry baby, I’d be honored to hold your hair back if you got sick” with a sly little grin. At first I was horrified and said “oh no, that would ruin the whole date, wouldn’t it?” His answer was: “That’s just one of those things that’s part of life. You take the good with the bad. What kind of man would I be if I based how I felt about you on whether or not you got seasick on a dinner cruise? I’d just do everything in my power to try and make you feel better again”

    Really puts things into perspective. I think my problem is my fear of intimacy makes me feel smothered when I meet an available man who is capable of loving me unconditionally and I start finding things I don’t like or find unattractive about him. Or I choose guys I AM attracted to like Mr. Fabulous, who has all of the right qualities, but is not very available due to his insane work schedule.

    I feel like I’m standing in a doorway and just don’t know how to walk through. I know what the problem is and want to change it, but I just don’t know how. I don’t know how to “make” myself feel attracted to men I’m just not attracted to.



  4.  #4Sasha J on March 19, 2010 at 6:40 pm

    dear ladies,

    hiya Daria Hot Chook!!!

    Lori you sound gorgeous and I feel like clapping reading what that guy said to you on the cruise.

    I am learning to let a guy show himself in actions to me, and I am feeling slightly odd with not feeling the crazy butterflies when meeting good men.
    You know, the earth moving- can’t breathe- freeze up and stop being myself kind of ‘i’m crazy about this one’ feeling.
    I’m noting I am not feeling repulsed either. No loud alarm saying no!!!!….. I feel curious, and open to hear and see who he is.
    I feel attended-to and even though this feels new and not ‘classical’ falling -for-a-guy kind of feeling,

    I read this line last night by Lauren Frances (not exact words):

    God invented stilettos so that women will walk slowly and tread carefully while they are being courted. Properly courted.

    🙂



  5.  #5Lori on March 19, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    Sasha J,

    I LOVE it!!! I’m a stilettos kind of girl….



  6.  #6Sasha J on March 19, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    oh corect me if i am mistaken, and the man who should be so lucky to even have your attention, will not be ‘dealing’ with who you are.
    he’ll just naturally think that you are magnificent …especially if you feel magnificent in all our imperfect glory xxox

    by the way, my crazy high-school-type crush is OVER. and also that great-first-date gentleman who never called back.
    I felt awful and rejected ….then remembered what my friend told me “SashaJ, you don’t know why that is a good thing….yet”….she told me that when I crashed my car and she was right!
    I’ve been on a few dates with a few different guys and feels clearer what I am feeling with these different type of guys. Oh. And even though I feel more sibling-type friendship with the guys I meet at surfing, I always remember to practice my tools….

    🙂



  7.  #7Lori on March 19, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Aw Sasha J,

    That made me feel SOOOO good about the not “dealing” with me but rather thinking I am magnificent just as I am. Thank you!!!!!



  8.  #8kismet on March 19, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Now I know why I’m with him. Even though the way he came to me and asked me was a bit “desperate,” it didn’t matter to me because there was already attraction/chemistry and then he showed he was willing to stay. Yes there have been other guys in the past who were into me and I was into them (or not) but they all never stayed, always walked away.



  9.  #9Neytiri on March 19, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    This is just fatastic timing. I felt sad after finding a man who holds a spot in my heart on FB. I didnt add him, but saw a few of his female friends, who are gorgeous..

    And I felt a little twinge in my heart..

    But none of that matters. What matters is his willingness to stay and love me unconditionally.



  10.  #10Sasha J on March 19, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Lori : 🙂

    yeah kismet it feels strange that when a guy is crazy about you they come across as a little desperate…i feel really good though, when the guy obviously is crazy about me but still has his integrity intact…i feel very safe.

    i felt a little carried away with this other guy i met online and he always wanted to be there and was always there for video-chatting, etc. at first i felt good and felt alot of good chemistry with him and then slowly began to feel stifled when i felt his anger at me , after i said that it felt like a giant no for me to commit to anything with him before meeting!! mean, he is 5000miles away and was not going to be able to visit me for a few months..
    this one was always there and didn’t want to leave and yet i felt like my saying no was not heard. i felt like he wanted something from me. like i was starting to feel drained.

    it feels very cool to be able to know the difference in these feelings….



  11.  #11Lori on March 19, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Here’s one for you, Sasha J:

    “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”

    Christopher Morley



  12.  #12dorothea on March 19, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    yuck i feel yuck and disappointed because my current lover is talking to his exes and lying to me about it. yuck he says he doesn’t remember lying. yuck. he said he might have lied “but whatever.” yuck. get off my horse. yuck. we were texting about this. i said i didn’t want to text anymore. he kept arguing in text. i felt furious and i told him. finally, i said CALL ME OR LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. he chose to leave me the fuck alone. he did not call me all night. i feel sad but i’m leaning way back, i don’t even want this sort of treatment grrr! unfortunately i want the guy. this is the turning point for a lot of women who find themselves in bad romantic situations. they want the guy more than they want good treatment. i might want that right now but i am sure as fuck not acting on it. yuck yuck yuck i’ll just be with my sad feelings. this whole thing makes me feel real sad and i’m not sure if i’ll want to relive these sad furious feelings again with this man.



  13.  #13dorothea on March 19, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    his fundamental flaw is that he doesn’t realize how badly he is fucking up this thing with a marvelous woman (that’s me lol!). his biggest flaw is that he is not 150 percent totally into me. i feel bad for him.



  14.  #14dorothea on March 19, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    i feel bad for me too hehe. i love my feelings.



  15.  #15dorothea on March 19, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    hehe, i went on a circular date tonight with a man about whom i was not fussing over because i was worrying about my lover, and as a result he is leaning forward to me post-date and I am forgetting all about my worries about my lover.

    I LOVE CIRCULAR DATING. IT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.



  16.  #16Triza on March 19, 2010 at 11:17 pm

    Lovely post and a beautiful reminder to me…..
    Yes yes yes…..what would feel great is unconditional love……I am willing to wait for that.



  17.  #17Evan Marc Katz on March 20, 2010 at 2:19 am

    Just wanted to thank Rori for sharing my newsletter, and to thank all of you amazing women for your kind words. It’s liberating when you can let go of the past and focus your energies exclusively on men who treat you like gold. After all, that’s what you’re worth – and every second you’re spending waiting for some jackass to love you is a second you’re not looking for your prince.

    There’s nothing to pay attention to besides how he treats you. Start there, and everything works itself out just fine…

    Much love,

    Evan



  18.  #18Rachel on March 20, 2010 at 7:05 am

    Rori,

    I know you have written that you weren’t attracted to your husband at first, that he pursued you and won you, etc.

    I am struggling because I am seeing two men and they are at opposite ends of the spectrum. One should probably be “disqualified” because he isn’t rowing much. I have been leaning back and practicing my tools with him. My heart absolutely skips a beat everytime I hear his voice or see him.. but everytime we start to get emotionally intimate, he disappears. I don’t think he has the “tools”

    The second guy is PERFECT … he’s doing everything I’ve always wanted, good morning phone calls, little notes, romantic surprises, very expressive with his affection, etc. He adores me and shows me in dozens of ways. He is talking about getting married and wants to be with me forever.

    My problem is …. I love the attention and romance, but I’m not sure that I love HIM. I’m really struggling with this. If I put the two men side-by-side, there’s no question about which guy meets my criteria. BUT… I don’t feel the “spark” or “magic” with the perfect guy.

    He keeps telling me that I’m his soul mate. And I feel horrible, because I don’t know if he is mine. I know that I do love him in some ways, but I don’t think I’m “in love” with him

    You’ve talked about how we sometimes don’t connect with the good guys because we’re attracted to the bad ones. I don’t know if this is what I’m doing? It’s almost like he’s TOO much in love with me. And while it’s everything I’ve ever wanted, I’m feeling a little smothered and turned off.

    We made love for the first time last night and I found myself crying afterward. Although I enjoyed it physically, I felt no emotional connection and here is this amazing man just pouring out his heart to me and telling me how beautiful the experience was, etc…. and I am laying there thinking about how differently I felt when I made love with the other one… the one who doesn’t row much!

    AUGH! I don’t really know if the whole soul mate, spark thing is real, but my heart longs to be connected in that way with someone. I have a wonderful man who would do anything for me and i wonder if I’m just hung up on some juvenile romantic notion?

    Can you please describe a little more about how you transitioned into being in love with your husband? Was there/is there that spark? Do you tingle when he touches you? Do you get excited when you hear his voice?

    Just another example…. when “barely rowing” man and I are talking late at night, I am so energized. I never want it to end. I could stay up all night. But with this wonderful man, I find myself sleepy and anxious to get off the phone and get to bed.

    I wonder if some of it is because I feel so very safe with him. I know he’ll be there again in the morning. With “barely rowing” man, i don’t know when we’ll have another chance to talk and I feel like I just want to capture every moment.

    And if I feel so safe and secure (which is supposed to be good) how do I keep from being bored and taking him for granted. Or does the fact that I don’t feel that spark mean that he isn’t right for me – even though he’s doing everything right?

    Ohhh… I hope that you can give me some insight. I feel like I’m going to hurt this dear man or make a huge mistake for myself. I just can’t sort it out. But I feel hopeful because it sounds like you didn’t start off with fireworks with your husband. How did you get to that point? or did you? Am I wanting something that doesn’t exist except in movies and in unhealthy relationships?!

    Thanks!



  19.  #19dorothea on March 20, 2010 at 8:26 am

    grrr i feel so sad this morning that he still hasn’t called me so i am posting here instead of texting him/calling him. grr grr grr i hate these feelings because i have work to do and i feel too distracted. i even dreamt all about it grrr



  20.  #20Lori on March 20, 2010 at 9:04 am

    Rachel,

    I can hardly wait for Rori’s response because that is exactly what I have been dealing with with CD. I sent one CD guy away because he was so into me it started to feel annoying and smothering instead of good.



  21.  #21Turtle Girl on March 20, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Rachael-

    *deep sigh* You are not the only woman who has felt exactly like this. I think there are many many reasons.
    The media, our society, our upbringing. We are trained I think from birth to see him as the prize, and prizes come in shitty packages that keep us in angst and drama and uncertainty all the time. And that is supposed to be love.

    I am not Rori, so not pretending to say how she feels or thinks, but I know I have been in your position more than once. I had 5 marriage proposal in one year and all of the guys just did all the right things and loved me almost “too much” to the point it was sickening, but the ones I loved? Why they were Mr. pull back man, Mr. keep you guessing man, Mr. don’t treat her really well man. It’s sick.
    Love is not being mistreated.

    It is interesting, I would not tolerate bad treatment from my girlfriends, no I would be gone, but from them is ok somehow. I am changing only slowly, but I am changing. Yesterdays date said something pretty mean and so I am seriously considering if I want to see him again. It didn’t feel good and prolly a peek of future behavior. And I am attracted to the guy, but I do not want another heartache beat-down pull me through the rubble relationship. No. Thanks.



  22.  #22Neytiri on March 20, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Dorothea, I feel sad for him too.

    “That guy SUCKS!”
    -Evan Marc Katz



  23.  #23Rachel on March 20, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Rori,

    As I continue thinking about this… I guess I want a guy who’s crazy about me AND WHO I AM CRAZY ABOUT TOO! I can’t seem to get the two together. Or am I just missing something.

    It feels good to be pursued by a really good man, but I want to be pursued by someone who makes me quivery inside! Is that too much to ask?

    Is it just a lack of chemistry? Or do only “bad” guys make us quiver? Does your husband make you quiver?

    I’m just really trying to figure this out … I’m beginning to think I don’t understand love at all!



  24.  #24Turtle Girl on March 20, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Here’s my speech to yesterdays date. I sent it to him in a mail.

    “Hi John, thanks so much for the ride yesterday, it was beautiful day and I loved being on the bike with you. The lunch was really good too, I love trying new foods.

    As I was getting ready to leave you said” I have to go to the bank” That felt really weird to me. It felt like I was being dismissed”

    That’s it.
    Well shall see what he does and what he is made of.



  25.  #25heartbeat on March 20, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Rachel I’m hanging on for Rori’s response too :p

    Thanks for putting the question up and I really feel your dilemma in what you wrote xx



  26.  #26heartbeat on March 20, 2010 at 11:43 am

    I love the simplicity of this:

    But let me ask you: don’t you think your future husband should love you unconditionally?

    Yes, yes and YES



  27.  #27Linda on March 20, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Rachel,

    the jury is out for me on this one. I was married to a man, a really good man for a LONG time. We made a good life together, raised to wonderful kids.. but I left. THere was no passion and never was. I was tired of being lonely.

    I had a lover, after that, who said we were going to marry…He me tingle, his kisses took my breath, our intimacy was extraordianry… and he did all the right things that like the man you have in your life doing. I had never had a man treat me like he did… I was in heaven and thought that my life was now all coming together but he pulled away and left. It was devistating. I never expected it.

    I have had both types of relationships. Now that I have experienced both I decided that I have to feel my way thru this life. Logic makes for admirable lifes but they may be empty inside.

    I tried the thing that Rori talked about… giving it time for attraction to grow with a new guy who was really in to me…he felt pushy and needy and genuine at the same time. He wasnt bad looking, but but just wasnt really my type. I broke it off with him telling him that I was not feeling the connection that I needed to feel…. but then I reconsidered after reading Rori’s post about this a year ago….. I tried again…. I really tried..to see if something would grow and it didnt. I just felt flat, the more he pushed the worse it got. I had to go and that was that. I never looked back.

    I dont know what the answer is here. I have been told ” I just dont feel it for you”…. when I was really into S even with all his baggage, I was attracted to him..He was not even doing things right and I was still attracted to him! GO FIGURE…..THe first time he said, he did not feel it all with me… I believed him and let it go… but he kept coming back. I still dont know what to think about that. But if feels like hell.

    Linda



  28.  #28heartbeat on March 20, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his fundamental flaw

    And I used to think it was all my fault…. I feel like I woke up from a bad dream.



  29.  #29Daria on March 20, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Hey: so my guess for Rori’s response is:

    CIRCULAR DATE!

    Two men becomes a bounce kind of effect and is not what you want (from the program).

    We are practicing and pretty much RETRAINING ourselves to feel attraction for men who treat us good. We don’t get from here to the store by teleporting. We WALK. Babystep by babystep.

    We might not have it with THESE TWO MEN in particular, and we’re working on having it.

    Yes, we’re almost all of us attracted to unavailable charming men… its the heart leaps towards him feeling: the tool here is to feel our heart leaping towards him, and let it, and yet know that it is still in our chest, and is actually beating for us, and dancing for us… its leaping towards him but its in our chest…

    Soo evenutally we’ll be USED TO having a whole CIRCLE of different admirers, who ALL treat us wonderfully and worship us, and OUT OF THOSE… we pick the one that we want… he can be one that instantly set our heart aflutter, as long as he’s part of the CIRCLE OF GOOD TREATING ADMIRERS… surely in this huge circle of men there will be ONE at least probably more we will feel attracted to as well… all it takes is ONE AMAZING GOOD MAN to sweep us off our feet… it’s definitely possible that in the huge circular sea of admirers theres at least one man that will set our heart aflutter and sweep us off….

    but we must be sure that we’re building a sea of men who all treat us right… so practice practice till no man can do us wrong because our boundaries are strong

    So meanwhile we Circular Date MANY men to practice being into Ourselves, speaking honestly, so we can attract this circle and then even men we feel “flutter” with will Want to treat us well.



  30.  #30heartbeat on March 20, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Daria – that feels brilliant!!! I love this: “We don’t get from here to the store by teleporting. We WALK. Babystep by babystep”

    and: “but we must be sure that we’re building a sea of men who all treat us right… so practice practice till no man can do us wrong because our boundaries are strong”

    Thank you xx



  31.  #31tinque on March 20, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Rachel – I will respond from my experience. First of all you can’t love or be loved too much. But there is a difference between being loved A LOT and having someone be all over you because of there own insecurities which would ring of insincerity, neediness. You may not know which it is at this point.
    It is possible you are so used to being treated badly that that feels like love to you. And on the other side of the coin, being truly loved feels weird, icky even. This is something to consider which you are, and this is good.
    I was not all quivery and melty inside what I first met K.
    I don’t know if it just wasn’t there, or I was too filled with my varyious fears at the time to allow these feelings.
    I always liked him, was curious about him, enjoyed his company, the care and attentiveness, but I was hesitant, petrified really.
    As I grew into feeling safe, as he showed me he was someone to be trusted, I relaxed, a little bit by a little bit. As I relaxed his affections and attentions began to seep through into me more and more. I allowed them. The sparks then started to ignite for me.
    Love grew for me, and it’s still growing eight years later the more I open and allow.
    As for the sparks, they’re through the roof. Every little touch sets my skin atingle. Every hug and caress makes me melt. Sex is awesome.
    I suppose in retrospect I had the good fortune to meet someone who saw my essence from the beginning and had the patience to wait as I worked through my stuff which included reprogramming myself so that I could not only recognize that he is a good man, a fabulous one, but also one I could let in and open my heart to, love.
    It wasn’t as consciously done as I’m making it sound here, but I did see and feel that this was a really good someone, and I would do whatever it took to get rid of my stuff, for it was only getting in my way anyway, and if this wasn’t the man, then at least I would be open and available for the “the one” which it turned out K was.
    I hope this helps. If you have any more questions, please ask.
    xxoo



  32.  #32Rori Raye on March 20, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Thank you Evan! Rori



  33.  #33heartbeat on March 20, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Oh I love your response too, Tinque! Thank you. xx

    I feel like I’m getting ready to date again. It feels like a natural progression. I don’t know when, I surrender to the process…



  34.  #34heartbeat on March 20, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    “every second you’re spending waiting for some jackass to love you is a second you’re not looking for your prince”

    LOL!!! I’m thanking Evan too 🙂



  35.  #35Turtle Girl on March 20, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Oh heartbeat!
    This is wonderful.

    “every second you’re spending waiting for some jackass to love you is a second you’re not looking for your prince”

    I really resonate with this-thank you so much-it makes me see really how much I was waiting around for mr. toxic to really love me and well, he never did. His loss.



  36.  #36heartbeat on March 20, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Turtle Girl – I quoted it from Evan’s comment (above)!

    Yeah I love it! xx



  37.  #37Linda on March 20, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Tinque You wrote..

    “I had the good fortune to meet someone who saw my essence from the beginning and had the patience to wait as I worked through my stuff which included reprogramming myself so that I could not only recognize that he is a good man, a fabulous one, but also one I could let in and open my heart to, love.

    I am wondering would this not stand true for men too? I wonder if we women can be just as inspirational for a man? I think it is possible for a man to block out a really good woman and their feelings and training send them off course too.

    Just wondering?

    I totally love what Daria wrote. We should only have men in our circle that treat us really well and we are retraining ourselves to receive and feel. THen we can be ready for our Mr Right.

    Linda



  38.  #38kismet on March 20, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Rachel,
    I’m on the same boat as you. He’s so loving to me, but the spark and connection I long for is not there towards him as much as I’d like it to be.

    Another thing is, he called this lady friend he has no feelings for “babe.” I shouldn’t be checking his cell inbox, but I did and that’s what I found. he said he didn’t cheat and it won’t happen again. Said she calls him that so he calls her that too. What am I supposed to do?

    Rori, I hope you answer Rachel and me.

    Thanks =)



  39.  #39tinque on March 20, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Linda – Yes it would. And yes we can. BUT the man has to be aware of his protections and have the desire to want to let them go.
    I have said that men take our lead in heart openings and growth but again if they are open to it. As I worked on myself, let my stuff go, opened my heart to myself and to K, he too relaxed, let some of his stuff go, and opened to himself even more and to me. We both learned to trust, and all of this took time.
    And it IS true that the more we accustom to receiving and being treated well, the fewer the crumbs will we settle for. And better men DO show up.
    K treats me as a precious being, and that’s as it’s supposed to be, but this doesn’t mean he’s all over me all the time. He doesn’t fawn. He doesn’t cling. He doesn’t declare his feelings in every moment, nor does he have to.
    But he is enormously affectionate, sexual though admittedly I am more so much to his delight, and takes very good care of me in every way conceivable.
    But i expect nothing and in that I’m continually surprised and even more wonderfully, I am gifted with even more.
    xxoo



  40.  #40gina on March 20, 2010 at 4:53 pm

    I really love this idea…totally helping me resist the temptation to be preoccupied with guys who don’t dig me. EXCEPT that it seems like feminine energy guys feel the same way about women…is there such a thing as a feminine energy man who will truly appreciate being pursued??



  41.  #41gina on March 20, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    I was just fired from my comedy club job. I was devastated for a moment, but now I feel strangely fine. I feel a little concerned about money, but I know that I can replace the job fairly easy. Working there, I felt low, disrespected, sometimes sexy, overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, sometimes fun, bitter, used and abused. I know I tried my best, and I recognize that I was never a very good waitress, but I did improve a ton and I feel satisfied. I am excited that things will have to change now, and I feel good about this change. I also see that I may not have taken the initiative to leave because the money was good, and that being let go has made it absolutely necessary for me to do something different. exciting.



  42.  #42Daria on March 20, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    not related to te posts here:

    I feel really angry and frustrated and judgemental when i read people asking questions that are answered in the tools and programs. I feel guilty when i feel this way.

    logically i know that some people are new or even that some things dont sink in, babysteps

    and at the same time i feel frustrated and controlling…

    now im remembering tutoring and sometimes i feel this way when a student doesnt remember a problem we just did

    i feel like attacking them: ugh we just did that, wtf, why are you being stupid, DUH

    and i feel not good

    of course i dont attack them. im actually incredibly patient, and i have these triggers when i dont feel patient

    i feel furious

    i feel angry!

    i feel angry!

    this is a trigger i want healed thank you

    UGH

    i feel triggered

    i dont want to feel impatient i dont want to feel guilty i dont want to feel judgemental… i LOVE ALL MY FEELINGS

    thank u



  43.  #43Daria on March 20, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    i feel head squeezy tightness i love my head squeezy tightness and that feels like staring stuck eyes i love my staring stuck eyes and that feels like tight mouth and twitching neck i love my tight mouth ant twitchy neck and that feels like twitching calves i love my twitching calves and that feels like big breath and hmmm release i love my big breath and hmm release and that feels like hotness in my right bum and a twinge in my abdomen i love the hotness in my bum and the twinge in my abdomen.. and that feels like smimliing a lil bit and tingling and squeezing in my abdomen and i love the tightness and tingling and squeezing and smiling and taht feels likea big breath and i love my big breath and that feels like smiling and tingling around mouth i love my smiling and tingling around my mouth and that feels like tingling calves and i love my tingling calves and that feels like wanting to pee and i love my wantin to pee and that feels wanting to pop my neck and i love my desire to pop my neck and my popping my neck and that feels like a big hmmm breath and i love my big hmm breath and that feels like a half yeawn and i love my half yawn and that feels like more wanting to pee and i love my wanting to pee and that feels like hotness in my abdomen and i love my hotness in my abdomen and that feels like wanting to pee and i love my wanting to pee and my tingling abdomen

    brb hehe



  44.  #44gina on March 20, 2010 at 6:06 pm

    Daria, I get the feeling that my question may have triggered you…I know the Rori answer myself. I guess I just am not convinced that I like masculine men cause I haven’t experienced liking one, only repulsion. And I feel attracted to feminine energy men. And I know women who are married to men that they pursued, or that they “met half way….” Plus, I get tons of flak from men saying that I “leave guys hanging” cause I don’t do anything to make something happen. I guess the question of whether this works for me will continue to loom until I experience some concrete form of “success.” I’m not enjoying the process all that much. The other night, I went out to a salsa bar, a gay bar, and a club with some friends, and it was pretty fun, but I just feel over all that stuff. And the next couple of days I kept weeping about how over it I feel. I feel a longing for some man I don’t even know. And when men speak to me, I hear their voice, and I feel sad that they aren’t him. I’m in the zone of “lack” that Rori was talking about a few posts ago. I know it, but I’m still there. I do feel good about getting out of the toxic bar/work environment I was in, and I look forward to being surrounded by successful, accomplished professional classy men. But there is definitely a gap between the environment I’m in and that ideal. and in the meantime, I do feel tempted to chase after men who have little pieces of what I want, because the adjustment I have to make seems daunting. Maybe it won’t be as drastic as it seems…



  45.  #45Daria on March 20, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Gina no—- I purposely came here after having been triggered on another thread because I didnt’ want to trigger people there too strongly. hehe oops.



  46.  #46gina on March 20, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    Oh…hehe. when you said not related to the posts, I was thinking you meant the article for some reason. anyhoo…



  47.  #47kismet on March 20, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    I feel sick to the stomach when I think about his text to his lady friend and calling her babe, especially, “hey babe I’m outside.”

    It hurts me and makes my heart drop because I can only imagine, FEEL that it is used in an intimate way. I’m not sure if I should believe that he uses that on any girl friends. It makes me feel less special.

    But I know he loves me. If he wanted her he would be with her when he broke up with his ex. He told me once he wouldn’t let me walk away easily, but then why is he going to say, “if you don’t trust me, lets break up”? Is he so willing to let his fault break us up? I feel he is putting the blame on me when it’s not me. I am the least jealous, well maybe a bit, but for me, its more about not getting played and fooled since I’m risking so much.

    Why would he let the same thing that broke him and his ex continue in our relationship? Third time and it’s a shame.

    And suddenly this makes me consider not being exclusive…



  48.  #48gina on March 20, 2010 at 8:52 pm

    So I checked out Evan’s site, and i respect his “realistic” approach, but I didn’t like how he seems limited by reality. But I wonder if he’s right that all our dreams can’t come true, and that we each have to choose comfort OR passion, and that facebook is the source of “all future infidelity”… the prudent part of me says “yup, may as well face the facts” and that maybe that’s what being a grown up is about – just dealing with harsh reality. But then another part of me doesn’t wish to accept his limited view – that feels expansive and wise…and yet holding onto a fantasy feels limited as well….hmmmm…



  49.  #49Daria on March 20, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Gina – hehe men and their Face Reality and Brave through it… rah rah fight fight struggle hehehe



  50.  #50gina on March 20, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    yeah, Daria, you’re right – I guess it’s a masculine point of view. It has merit, but it’s not the whole truth.



  51.  #51Daria on March 20, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    ok fine –

    for the record:

    we can teleport too

    just sayin



  52.  #52gina on March 20, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    Why did he date Hundreds of women, I wonder…I wonder whether the women who dated him would find him a viable dating coach. I’m not sure why I don’t like his “prolific” dating history…It’s a Johnny trigger, I think



  53.  #53Daria on March 20, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    I’ve dated hundreds of men
    probalby thousands lol
    hmmmm



  54.  #54Rori Raye on March 20, 2010 at 11:33 pm

    Rachel – it’s so much a matter of perception and the mind. I believe I can create that “in love” feeling – the “tingles” with ANYONE. Yes, I do. I believe it comes from inside me, and so I can inspire it. This is very different from an “instant” feeling – and I’ve had those too – but usually they were just sexual and I turned them into something more. Love grows over time. Being “crazy” about someone grows over time, as his love for you washes over and through you and you start to elevate your own love for yourself. I can look at my husband and see my God of Love, or I can look at him and see no one at all – just a man taking up space in my life who is my “companion.” The “love” part comes naturally when I’m feeling good and having fun with him, and respect him – which is almost all the time. The “nothing but space” part happens when I’m out of sorts with myself and disconnect from him somehow. I usually notice that right away and it shifts back once I feel how I’m feeling. Chemistry can mean many things. You kind of have to explore that…and sometimes, when you just let go of expectations and habits – amazing things happen. For me – learning to tell the truth and be myself changed everything, and the meaning of love changed most of all. Love, Rori



  55.  #55Daria on March 20, 2010 at 11:37 pm

    ok 300 in 15 years means 20 a year… I do way more than that hehe



  56.  #56Rori Raye on March 20, 2010 at 11:38 pm

    Rachel, Please please keep giving the good man a chance. Give him some time. Give yourself some time. The first time I had sex with my husband – I felt a LOT. I was surprised – and it was ALL coming from me, I felt sort of RELEASED to FEEL. Even if this man is not the one you want to marry – he will help you get to the next one who will be. One step closer….And you may surprise yourself and fall for him. The key here is telling the TRUTH – if you tell him how you feel, all your concerns…how you’re feeling – you will start to feel MORE!!! Love, rori



  57.  #57Rori Raye on March 20, 2010 at 11:42 pm

    Whoa – Lori in the doorway – what a FANTASTIC place you’re in – just keep doing what you’re doing. Look at what a great Message Mr. Fabulous showed up to deliver to you! Love, Rori



  58.  #58Evan Marc Katz on March 21, 2010 at 1:36 am

    @Gina: “So I checked out Evan’s site, and i respect his “realistic” approach, but I didn’t like how he seems limited by reality.”

    I am limited by reality, Gina. Because reality is all we’ve got. If you really want to understand men, it’s valuable to listen to a man – a man who has experienced everything and chose commitment. Frankly, it doesn’t matter whether women I dated when I was 25 think I’m a viable dating coach. It’s whether women who work with me now get results by making better decisions in love. And I can say, unequivocally, that they do.

    You don’t have to accept anything I say on faith, but I would let you know that everything I say has a firm basis in male truth – and if you ignore it, you do so at your own peril. My job is to protect women, often from their own fantasies, so if you see me as a reality-based dating coach, that’s about the highest compliment you can pay me.

    As long as you don’t put up with bad behavior from men, you’re on the right track. Please keep me posted….

    Yours,

    Evan



  59.  #59Tina on March 21, 2010 at 2:50 am

    I got a “report” that 1 1/2 yr. man was seen driving with the woman he was dating today. She was the one that told me he hit her so she broke up with him. He was not a physically affectionate man, it just amazing to me that he would be even physically abusive, I dunno. If there was an argument between the two of us , he would be the one running for the hills. I can count maybe three arguments we’ve had in the 1 1/2 years with no physical confrontations well, except the time I threw his clock down the driveway, as he was driving away well more like spinning away 🙂 . I would have to say in the beginning he was more of the masculine energy, he pursued me , he was more masculine really now that I think back. I was leaning back,but leaning back out of fear and insecurity. I didnt know how to do that 🙂 I didnt know what I was missing, I felt something was missing, I was missing lol. My feelings were missing. All I knew was the muscles between my ribs in the front in my chest hurt when I pressed down with my fingers. I couldnt indentify that pain as a feeling, My cardiologist did that. I dont like feeling sad, I wish I could pick and choose who and what triggers my sadness. I feel sadness in my chest now. I would rather be missing than feel sadness and this pain in my chest seriously. I love my feeling of sadness when I hear he is driving down the road with another woman 🙂 I’m working on it damnit! he is reminding me of what? I dont like this physical pain in my chest, I dont feel good, I dont want it, I dont fuckin want it. I DONT WANT IT STUCK IN MY CHEST, I felt it for five minutes and I dont like it ok thank you now go away, get the fuck out! take it back, now I”m just feeling pissed off! I feel kinda happy now , I feel like a fighter bitch warrior goddes, dont fuck with me attitude coming on hehe. I”ll just slam the door in your face hehe, I wont take you on today cause I dont feel like it. I dont feel like taking you on. Your not worthy, I command you to get the fuck out of my space! I’m a goddess so that means I have an army 🙂
    I think that if a man wants to be with you only on condition, you dont get to express your emotions and feel your feelings than fuck him! lol I feel intense 🙂



  60.  #60Daria on March 21, 2010 at 2:59 am

    omg i just had a middle of the nite date that came to see me for the first time and actually got a ride… and i was feeling all concerned but my girl told me im a goddess, no expectations, enjoy

    wow he liked me

    and then we kissed and it felt GOOD

    i felt so comfortable kissing him like i knew him forever

    whoa!!!

    it felt GOODDDDDD

    GOOD GOOD

    ohhhh

    ohhh i like it

    he said youre not gonna make any decisions are you i said nope
    hehe

    i told him i want to learn to have orgasms

    and be successful in my business

    omgosh

    this was sooo much greater than i thought it would be

    wow!

    oh

    guess how i got this date lol

    i saw him posting online form his phone and i CALLED HIM

    he had complained that i wouldnt call him so i did heheh then i leaned back

    now he no longer talked about calling him

    he said dont cat out when HE calls me

    lol

    i waont! haha

    i dont “cat” hahaha

    i feel great

    oh boy



  61.  #61Daria on March 21, 2010 at 3:00 am

    lol Evan triggers me. but he does sound male.

    yay.



  62.  #62Tina on March 21, 2010 at 3:03 am

    Im not the damsel in distress, I’m running the damn show! This is my army, I”m the goddess, just in case you decide to try and pull rank again! If I say I”m a ROCKSTAR then Im a fucken ROCKSTAR OK GOT IT? I feel worthy 🙂 ok Im back.



  63.  #63Tina on March 21, 2010 at 3:30 am

    I feel worthy, ok maybe not 100 % of the time 🙂 I”m a work in progress 🙂



  64.  #64Tina on March 21, 2010 at 3:55 am

    Today is the first day of Spring!



  65.  #65Tina on March 21, 2010 at 4:29 am

    Why dont I feel relaxed when I listen to meditation cd’s lol. This one I sampled, I feel when I close my eyes, I feel like im spinning in my chair, this other one I feel afraid, I first thought was, I feel afraid of falling, and I feel afraid of spooky things 🙂 I feel spooked.



  66.  #66Tina on March 21, 2010 at 4:35 am

    ok track 2 isnt so bad, it says whatever I need comes to me effortlessly and naturally 🙂 ok im starting to feel better lol.



  67.  #67Tina on March 21, 2010 at 4:40 am

    I’m a wonderful gift! I’m a wonderful gift! 🙂



  68.  #68Tina on March 21, 2010 at 4:44 am

    Im so not digging this first track , I feel fear for almost 30 mins 🙁



  69.  #69Rachel on March 21, 2010 at 7:46 am

    Tina,
    What meditation CD are you listening to?



  70.  #70heather on March 21, 2010 at 7:52 am

    Thank you Evan – this makes it very simple for us to grasp! Just 1 non-negotiable qualification for a man in our lives; everything else being the icing on the cake. I feel like we often look at all the other priorities and forget the basic – is he really there for us, loving us unconditionally…

    I agree with the overall feeling i hear in this thread – it feels best when the feelings are mutual and shared between the couple.



  71.  #71Lori on March 21, 2010 at 8:21 am

    I was out with a girlfriend last night and we ran into a male friend of hers. We were discussing Mr. Fabulous because I have been feeling that although he’s fabulous, the workaholic thing really bothers me. I told my girlfriend I was feeling like letting him go and she told me I was crazy. She had been there on 2 of our 5 dates and she said her observation was that he looked at me like I was the only woman in the room, was absolutely crazy about me and treated me like a princess. She told me that I was becoming TOO picky and high maintenance!

    I argued that I have only seen him 5 times in 2 months-that’s a little over one date every other weekend. The rest of the time he is too busy working to see me. She said I’d be crazy to let a man who treated me so well go, but I told her I was beginning to feel resentful that he wasn’t more available to spend time with me.

    The male friend interjected. He said that when he first met the girl who his now his wife he was absolutely crazy about but had a big project at work at the same time that required him to work late and on the weekends at an out of town location for a few months. He was actually living at the location for that time. He said he wanted to see her so badly that he began to get creative in finding ways to see her. He once sent her flowers and a gift card for a restaurant that was next to his work site that was open for lunch so he could sneak out and spend 30 minutes with herif she was willing to make the drive to him. He also drove back to town, made a picnic breakfast and took her to the beach at sunrise before he had to dash off to work. Another time he met her at a midnight movie as he had worked until 11pm that day. He said during that time he would sacrifice sleep to spend time with her if she would let him and at times left work at 11pm and stayed up with her all night and went back to work at 5 am without having slept at all.

    He said that while it is great that Mr. Fabulous is so fabulous the rare times he is able to make time for me, that there is really no such thing as a man who is TOO busy to see a woman if he really wants to. He said a man will find a way to make it happen if he wants a woman badly enough.

    My feelings exactly. Now the question is, how do I present this in feeling messages when he finally decides to make time for me next week?



  72.  #72dorothea on March 21, 2010 at 8:51 am

    hey just posting here instead of getting in touch with HIM.
    grrr i feel so angry.



  73.  #73Daria on March 21, 2010 at 11:36 am

    oooh Lori thanks for sharing your romantic male friend’s adventures! I WANT THAT!! yaya



  74.  #74mary on March 21, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Hello Lori,

    I’m just wondering here: why do you need to present the situation in feeling messages to Mr. Fabulous? Why do you need to talk to him about it at all? It seems to me that your actions might tell him all that he needs to know… If you’re riding your horse and you’re straight on your path, you might find him galloping up to meet you.



  75.  #75gina on March 21, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Evan,
    Thanks for your response. I dunno…what I hear is that you played the dating game and chose commitment, and somehow it just doesn’t feel romantic, and it all feels like settling. It just doesnt feel very good. I feel angry reading about how you took women on dates and showed them a good time even though you weren’t interested in something real – one date seems just fine, but if there were multiple dates with women you weren’t really into, I think you’re a man who never knew what you really liked. My perception of my parents relationship and my brother with his girlfriend (future wife) is that these people fit together like puzzle pieces. And it’s not that they “chose” commitment, they just knew that it was right with the one person they’re with, and it seems impossible to imagine them with anyone else. To think that they could have dated thousands and almost arbitrarily chosen one nurturing, “easy” woman to commit to sorta sucks. I’m not doubting the truth of your words for many men, but I feel resistant to functioning in that paradigm. It’s true that many men might be like you. But it’s also possible that there is a man out there who will recognize that I fit him perfectly – and that’s what I want. I want an “individual,” not just “a man” – a person who recognizes that I compliment him. In the meantime, I think your advice can help me steer clear of heartache, and I appreciate it. But I feel turned off by the idea of picking “passion or comfort” – I hope to wind up with the person who compliments me and who I belong with. Otherwise, I would prefer to be single.



  76.  #76Earthdancer on March 21, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Gina, I’m with you 100%…who wants to feel like she’s been “settled” for…I don’t want to believe that there’s nothing more than that 🙁

    Feeling triggered and SAD … so this means I should settle for the one that isn’t too icky? Feeling angry now, it is only in fairy tales that someone truly LOVES you…

    Ewww, feeling icky and sad and mad and hopeless and wondering WHAT IS THE USE??????????

    GRRRRRRRRR



  77.  #77Earthdancer on March 21, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    LORI:
    YES! That is what I want to believe is REAL…a man who is willing to make time & let the woman know she is important no matter what…THAT is what I want, I don’t want to settle for anything less … hear that, Universe? Please?



  78.  #78dorothea on March 21, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    i would just like to say that i leaned forward and called him and then he dumped me. which is weird because i was really thinking about dumping him. you can’t fire me i quit. lol. feeling sad disappointed humilated.

    i feel like a poster child for not leaning forward.



  79.  #79Jennifer on March 21, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    totally off topic.
    I didn’t get the job I wanted in the north. Sooooooo feeling pissed right now.
    Feeling furious and miserable and totally like punching something.
    Why didn’t I get the job? The woman on the phone says I’m too assertive for the team leader position there. W?T?F??!?!?!?!!??!!?!?
    Seriously. First she tried to tell me that because i want to go back to school in the fall and i’m ambitious she felt I would’t be dedicated to thier kids.

    Seriously? They are four month contracts. That’s the time line. I’m a special needs paeds nurse THATS WHAT I DO!!!!!!
    She admited that I have more than twice the skills of the usualy applicant.
    So really…fuck her.
    Now i’m mad cause going there was part of my plan, I want to go back to school and the $ there was going to pay off all my bills so i could be comfortable going to school.
    I hate when people fuck with my plan.
    THEN I had a blow out with my parents. I have been staying with them cause I had bronchitis.
    I told them both that they have to get thier shit together. They either have to get along together or apart or they are going to see less of me. Thier tearing at each other emotionally is tooooo much for me. Ican’t take it. It hurts me too much and i have to take care of myself a little right now.
    My mom started to cry..she said she never wants to hurt me.
    This is new…usually my mother is very “it’s none of your business” she acutally cried in front of me and hugged me.
    I also yelled at my father. He spends 5 and 6 nights a week having a beer with the boys at the shop. While mom sits home with nanny.
    I called him at work and told him that he was going to come home and deal with my crying mother or it was gonna get fuckin ugly. She cries because she feels he doesn’t put her first.
    That triggers me because that’s how I felt with B.
    It triggers me big..to the point that I call my father at work and threaten him.
    I love my nasty bitch of a self.
    Then my Rieke master emailed me and said she feels I have core issues to work through and she feels rieke group is not the best place for that.
    Eventually we got around to the idea that she feels like this is a pivital time in my life and she feels I have the oportunity to come out the other side really light years ahead of where I am now and she says she prolly wants that more for me than anyone I know.
    But at first. It felt like being kicked out of reike group. which sucked.
    So my sister and I went to womens self defence class. That felt amazing.
    The punches were shockingly satisfying.
    I am looking into taking more classes There.
    I wonder if this would be detrimental to my quest to balance my female energy. It felt strong and a little masculin but also empowering and feminine.
    It may have been the guys there. They are all black belts…but VERY interested in keeping women safe.
    So I don’t know….ShinJudo…or yoga?
    And really…what the fuck am I doing to do with my life now?
    Still go to school…join the military? They’d pay for school.
    I feel so confused and lost. I feel like someone took my map.



  80.  #80Turtle Girl on March 21, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Jennifer-
    When people take my map, it feels bad. It is a loss of control and control makes us feel safe. It is our plan and it goes sideways. Just like my plan for my ex and me. It went sideways and I felt and feel out of control. The truth is we can’t control a fucking thing in this life, but just making the plans, one step at a time a rolling with the outcome, without any expectations is so hard. I am so sorry for your loss with the job. Another one is prolly gonna come up and be better for you. I want to say something campy like ” Rejection is God’s protection” but it just sound so icky right now.

    Bravo for calling bullshit on your dad. Good for you. I did that once to my daddy and he woke the fuck up. You never know how it will turn out. I got to the point where I no longer gave a shit what he thought of me and I just spoke my truth. Good for you.



  81.  #81Evan Marc Katz on March 21, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Gina,

    I appreciate your opinions and hope that the fact that I’m here to offer my clarifications means something to you.

    I think we can agree on a few things:

    -People want to find love.
    -People change over time.
    -People often do things that are counterproductive to their goals.

    So if I said that I was always extremely serious about finding love, even when I was dating prolifically, that would be true.

    If I said that I felt that it was a better idea to show every single woman a decent time on a date, even if I didn’t know if we had a future, I think that’s quite defensible.

    If I said that I chose attraction and intellectual stimulation above all character, that would be fair.

    If I said that after 300 dates, I realized that looks and brains didn’t matter without character and kindness, you’d probably agree.

    And if I told you that my wife is bright and attractive, but, more importantly, the BEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD, you probably wouldn’t feel that I settled for her.

    Are there more brilliant women? Sure. Hotter ones? Here in LA, you bet.

    Does acknowledging this “lessen” our relationship? Not to me. Not to her.

    So if you try to twist my advice into “This man says I should settle”, you’re really missing what I’m all about.

    Same with people’s perceptions of Lori Gottlieb’s brilliant “Marry Him” book.

    It’s about NOT SETTLING on the things that MATTER: values, trust, laughter, emotional generosity, loyalty…and compromising on some of the arbitrary things that we turn into dealbreakers (height, weight, age, education, religion, etc).

    I think this is about the most empowering message there is, which is why tens of thousands of women subscribe to my newsletter.

    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/newsletter/

    I invite you to join as well. Sometimes being “triggered” isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re going outside your comfort zone and may be learning something that doesn’t always come naturally.

    Believe me, I couldn’t be more sympathetic to women. Men are certainly frustrating. But, as I see it, knowledge is power; and if you understand men – not how you want them to be, but how we ARE – you’re empowering yourself to get the man you deserve.

    Stop accepting attractive bad guys who don’t commit to you and you’re already halfway there. That’s what the original newsletter was about – and I’m grateful that Rori shared it with you.

    Have a great week.

    Your friend,

    Evan



  82.  #82Simply Shannon on March 22, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Subscribing



  83.  #83Maria on March 22, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Ha! l spotted Evan on youtube, with a brilliant and simple message, that means the world. Ladies and girls check that out and you save huge amount of pain….
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFtt_VRAuC8
    it helps to put the selection into prospective, however finding that man who is ood toward you isnt just easy.



  84.  #84Maria on March 22, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    * l wanted to say a man who is Good, not ood.
    But see – l today l had a bit of an humorous chat with a man lm dating, but eventually he got upset.
    ME:”ld love to have my own shop one day – so will you get me one (that was ment to be in a teasing mode and he knows ld like to have an interior decoration shop)
    He: If ld have the money, ld first make myself happy and buy something that ld been dreaming of. Why would l give this to you?
    ME: cos you get happy cos you make me happy.

    well…he didnt get the point and this was the man, who said he´d do anything for me. And that was just a silly chitchat, but who said there wont be a little truth in it.



  85.  #85EarthDancer on March 22, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Jennifer:

    OMG! I am so angry on your behalf!!

    I have been a Reiki Master/Teacher since 1999 and I am appalled your Reiki Master would say such a thing to you…s(he) can choose who to to have as clients, of course, but Reiki is for everyone, it is not up to her/him to tell you Reiki will not work for you. OH….. I am triggered… I am angry…. people like this give true Healers a bad rap OH!!!!!!!

    In my personal experience, people who react like this are feeling THREATENED by whomever they are counseling…you are a Rock Star Goddess, and should you want, I will be glad to work with you in person or in Spirit…

    many hugs to you xoxoxox



  86.  #86DocK on March 23, 2010 at 7:38 am

    I wanted to say to the beautiful women here that I feel supportive of you and reading along, it seems like positive changes are happening and I feel optimistic.

    For me, Rori says not to worry about a guy’s age, or initial attraction etc. – just practice – so that’s what I am doing.

    Most of the guys expressing an interest are much younger and I am just going with it. (I don’t know why we’re called cougars – I don’t approach them – it’s the other way around) I had a couple of phone calls from 2 different guys and each conversation was flowing easily and I practiced feeling messages, listening, relaxing and I made sure I ended the conversation first and it seems I have a date on Saturday with a young, very attractive interesting man. Feels good. The other said he was going to call me again at the end of the week. A couple others are really young and do that texting thing so I feel how that triggers me.

    I haven’t posted much lately – been going through some fairly intense stuff and self-reflection but I’ll try to post a little on how some of this process is working for me.



  87.  #87Simply Shannon on March 23, 2010 at 8:00 am

    Just reading through some of these finally.

    Rachel: I could have written your post word for word. Wow. I’m in the same boat! I’m dating a great man but I just don’t feel the fireworks that I normally feel. I love who he is but I don’t feel the can’t-live-without-you “love” feelings. It feels soooo weird and scary. Am I rewiring my brain to believe this is normal and what love feels like (i.e. non-toxic love)? Or is he just not the one for me?

    Right now I’m just having fun with him and not getting caught up in making a decision one way or another.

    So cool to see someone else making that same transition!



  88.  #88Rachel on March 23, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Shannon,

    Yes, it does feel good to know others are in the same boat! I am trying to understand myself and love. One thing I’m kinda honing in on is the difference between passion and romance. The crazy off-the-charts chemistry and “can’t live without you” stuff is amazing… but I wonder if what I really long for is a deep romance. And that maybe be possible with a man who genuinely adores me and wants to make me happy.

    My “no sparks” man is great at all of the little touches – the notes, the hugs, remembering things, sending me songs, etc. And yet I keep yearning for the crazy stuff…

    In the meantime, I’m like you – resisting the urge to make a decision either way. I’m receiving what each man can give me and seeing what feels good.

    Best wishes on your journey!



  89.  #89kismet on March 23, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Rori,
    What if I’m giving him a chance to see where it goes and allow myself o open up to his love, like what you told Rachel, but then he gets scared and pulls back when he finds out I’m not on the same page as him emotionally? Is this a time to lean forward or lean back? Do nothing?



  90.  #90Helen on March 23, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Need some sisterly advice here…I am with a guy who is overly sensitive (mostly because of fear) to announcing our engagement to his kids and the rest of his family. I am having to bend over backwards to act in certain ways he asks in order to make everyone else feel comfortable and tells me that things will be okay when everything is out in the open. My problem is that I am going crazy being all twisted up and don’t know how to address it other than the whole crazy way of getting upset and trying to “fix” it. What can I do in order to disengage without feeling like I am being run over?



  91.  #91Linda on March 23, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    I like the voice and to the point commenting of Evan.

    Thank you for the straight forward answers.

    Black and white things are easy for me to grasp. I tend to live there. The new thing that has allowed a fuller life for me thru this site is listening and really being aware of my feelings.

    I am having some interesting turns and twists in my life right now. But I can say that saying NO to less does make room for the MORE. Right now I am really excited to see what that will produce in my love life. What I have been thru recently has changed my boundries and qualification guidelines did too. I feel strong on the inside and soft on the outside… my focus is not on a man but on me now. Where it should be until I a man qualifies to gain and keep my real attentions and heart.

    I want to inspire men.

    Linda



  92.  #92Daria on March 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    before i started succeeding with my ‘don’t upset Daria” tool

    i intuitively did tapping and realized tapping is about the vibration in my body

    it dislodges stuck energy

    like the trauma therapist i did who disloged the energy by stomping moving and saying it out… and replaying it in the form of a past life imprint — that was a way for my brain to access it in my imagination… not that it had to happen but my thinking it up is like it happening and making a big fear
    which includes a lot of the scary energies and then can release them this way

    tapping doesnt imagine/create/access a past life trauma

    it vibrates the body and energy and dislodges them

    and i can also implant them in my own body

    i was using even though….. i choose to feel good

    and i tapped thru horror, terror, etc… even tho i feel horror, i choose to feel good, right there at the traffic light. i felt horror of being seen by people, terror of being humiliated and raped (came up in my head randomly) terror of the car hitting me in the turn lane, etc etc

    and then after all that…. i just naturally was doing the

    “dont upset daria tool”

    i did it because upsetting me seems to not help heal my uti

    like the phyisical therapy eft lady stacey voernbrok said, the emotions are hormones released by the body, they bond to cell’s hormone receptors and stay stuck there until we release them… so i release them… they are like hormones…

    so my uti is helping me actually to keep choosing the good feeling thought

    which is great

    cuz this skill will heal much more than my uit

    thank u uti

    blessings sometimes are in disguise like kings as beggars hehe

    im feelking good



  93.  #93Lucy on March 23, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Shannon and Rachel, I feel intrigued by your situations because my experience is the complete opposite! All my past relationships, except one, have been of the “great guy, no sparks” type. I stayed in them a long time, because they were great guys and I didn’t have any real reason to leave — except that I always ended up unhappy because of the lack of passion, and eventually ended it, to their dismay. The man I married also felt great, safe, no sparks, and I chose to love him and marry him — but HE ended up having a secret sex addiction that remained hidden for 15 years!

    So now, I keep ending up STILL dating great guys with no spark and I am so tired and bored of it! With TN man, who I have not yet met (“non-relationship,” yes I know) I feel such strong, wonderful feelings in my heart, mind, and body — sometimes I can hardly stand it!

    As far as I know, I have NEVER been “in love” — and I am wondering if this is what “in love” feels like…..?

    <3
    Lucy



  94.  #94Lucy on March 23, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Daria, I love your “don’t upset daria” tool. 🙂

    It is exactly what I have been doing over the past year, too, but I didn’t think of it as a tool before. With my cancer surgery, they had to remove my omentum — which is a fatty organ covering the belly and one of its functions is to absorb stress hormones. Without my omentum, I was finding that any little stress made me feel like adrenaline and other hormones were coursing through my body with nowhere to go!

    So I started making it a point to avoid situations and people who added unnecessary and unhealthy stress to my life (as far as possible). I became much less confrontational, more of a live and let live type of person (very new concept for me!!) I started just taking care of myself, being good to myself, loving myself, resting or retreating whenever I felt the need. No more over-achieving, over-functioning, trying to help everyone, etc. No more jumping into the fray to save the day like wonderwoman.

    Gotta take care of myself. “Don’t upset Lucy.” 🙂

    Thanks for sharing, Daria!

    <3
    Lucy



  95.  #95Orna Walters on March 23, 2010 at 11:41 pm

    Evan really hits the nail right on the head here. I love the directness of it because it really makes it all so simple.

    If you want to hear more from a man’s perspective, my husband and I have a FREE Teleclass next Monday – register for the call here: http://tinyurl.com/ykhllo3

    You can hear Matthew’s perspective on how to create love – intentionally.



  96.  #96Lori on March 24, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Interesting turn of events. In the past, I have tended to attract emotionally unhealthy men. A new CD guy has come into my life who seems so far to be completely emotionally healthy. He’s smart, funny, caring, NOT A WORKAHOLIC and has no emotional baggage that I can see. The twist is that he’s PHYSICALLY handicapped due to an accident several years ago. I feel curious if this man was sent to me to show me that emotionally healthy men come in all kinds of packages or for some other reason.

    Does anyone here have any experience dating someone who is handicapped? As of right now,he seems great and it doesn’t bother me at all, but I feel afraid that I may not know what I’m getting myself into and may be trading one issue for another. Could there be unseen emotional baggage due to the accident and the physical handicap itself that may surface later? I feel certain that this man has had some disappointments with women not being able to deal with a physical handicap, and that’s got to make an impact somehow, right?

    I’d like to feel confident that I have am the kind of woman that has the capability to love a man no matter what his physical limitations, but due to my fear of true intimacy I can’t help but wonder if I seek out men who provide me with some kind of “excuse” to get out when things get too uncomfortable for me. I don’t see myself as the kind of person who would use a physical handicap as an excuse, but then again, I have never been in this situation before.



  97.  #97Jennifer on March 24, 2010 at 7:46 am

    Earth dancer…..
    RE..my rieke master.
    I emailed her and told her I felt I was being chastised and I could not think of what I had done to offend her. She replied that I had done nothing to offend her. She said my energy reflects what I have been through lately and there is alot to work through.
    She feels I actually need more one on one time and group cant give me that.
    She suggested Core Belief Engineering.
    I dunno what that is. I’ll google it.
    She also said she sees this as a time in my life that could turn out to be a huge growth time for me and she probably wants me to do well in this time more than anyone I know.
    Thanks for your support. I feel better now.
    I was all tied up in knots wondering….Is he coming back? should I call or text? What’s going on?
    Then my girlfriend said to me.
    WHY is it about him. WHY is it not about you?
    Now really…this is my “money friend” with the $400 boots.
    I’m not at that level yet.
    But I’m taking some steps.,
    I no longer care whether it’s ok for me to text B. If I have something to say. I will.
    I am joining a women’s self defence class and Pilates, using my income tax refund.
    I am buying GREAT BIG BOOTS.
    I am having my hair done.
    I emailed B and told him it would feel better to receive more acknowledgment if I bother to text him with an issue. I feel happy he is doing well but i feel like “the audience” when I am not acknowledged.
    That’s what I got so far.



  98.  #98Rori Raye on March 24, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Helen – Great question! Can you tell us what the situation is, and why he feels so fearful about the reaction of his family? Is there something unusual about the two of you together?



  99.  #99Neytiri on March 24, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Maria, that was brilliant! Thank you for sharing!



  100.  #100Orna Walters on March 25, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Linda,

    You wrote: “I am wondering would this not stand true for men too? I wonder if we women can be just as inspirational for a man?”

    YES! Absolutely this is possible for a man. My husband will completely admit that his pattern was to reject someone and walk out FIRST, to avoid being rejected. We had not been dating that long when during a late night disagreement sitting on the couch, he looked me in the eye and said “This is when I would normally bail, and I’m not going anywhere. I love you.”

    I inspired him to step up. I believe I still do. He inspires me the same way.

    The tools here will assist in not only attracting a man, additionally they support a healthy loving relationship. I didn’t know I was using Rori’s tool of Leaning Back – I use it all the time, even now!

    However, I had to be secure enough in myself, and in my relationship to really, honest and truly LEAN BACK – so that energetically my husband has space. When I give him the space to feel whatever he’s feeling, process whatever is going on between us, or with him, its amazing how every single time he will take that space to blossom into the man I love with all my heart.

    Big Hug,
    Orna



  101.  #101Orna Walters on March 25, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Oh, one more thing – the power of what Evan says here is so crucial to understand. HOW your man treats YOU is everything!

    Now, that doesn’t mean he has to be “perfect” because that is not possible. Its not whether or not your man “falls down” its how he goes about “getting back up.”

    If you read the post of mine that Rori featured just before Valentine’s Day, its all there. If not, you can read it here: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/interviews/he-broke-her-heart-for-valentines/#more-1362

    <3



  102.  #102Helen on March 25, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Rori,

    I am the first woman after his divorce and somehow the kids have this mindset that if I weren’t in the picture that mom and dad would get back together. They have made things difficult and pitted family members against one another over this. My fiance just really doesn’t do well with the conflict and hits information overload quickly. He is stumbling over not wanting to piss anyone off (mostly because he doesn’t want to hear the criticism) and trying to make me happy. I am having a hard time with the whole thing trying to be something I am not to give others less to complain about and really wanting to be happy but feeling like I can’t.



  103.  #103TW on March 26, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    hello ladies…

    I need some assistance. My boyfriend and I were together for 5 months and everything was perfect for the first three. Things had been going downhill and I text him while he was at work and asked him was he doing ok because we do not really talk that much anymore and he said he was fine. Then I asked him did he want to work on fixing the relationship and he told me that he said that right now work and his kids had him so busy that he could not give me the time that I needed or deserved. I then said do you just want to break up and move on and he said that he was not sure. I then asked about seeing other people and he said that it was my choice if I wanted to see other people but he had no plans to. Then he started texting me like that whole conversation never happened. We text like we did when we first met and played around but my thing is where does that leave us. Are we still together or not. I asked him did he want to break up and he said that he was not sure. I do not know what is going on but I feel sadness because I really care about him and we have such a good time when we were together but everything changed and I do admit that I went into overfunctioning mode with excessive in depth text and phone calls. I do not want to lose my relationship but I also do not know how to turn this around. I am busy with my last term of school so I have that to keep my mind busy and have made plans with friends both female and male but how do I keep my mind from thinking about the relationship or lack thereof.



  104.  #104Tina on March 26, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    TW, I feel for you. The women here have or are in similiar situations as you are now, so it’s not all hopeless. How do you stop yourself from thinking about him and your relationship, first of all, it’s not a relationship,you are not his priority right now. Like who am I to give advice, I”m in an “exclusive relationship” with a promise ring , and I’m still married to my ex to take it for what it’s worth. Your two feelings you mentioned are INSECURITY and SADNESS, he is not treating you AT ALL like his priority, get out! stop calling him, dont ever call him again, delete his number, delete delete delete. Take care of yourself and give your insecure and sad feeling , little girl a big hug and tell her you love her 🙂 NO MATTER WHAT!



  105.  #105TW on March 28, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    Ladies-

    My boyfriend told me the other night that he was unsure if he wanted to be with me because he could not offer me the time and energy that I needed or deserved. Then after he said that he made a point to call me that night as well as come and see me that next morning but it is unclear to me whether we are together or not. I need to know where I stand in his life but I do not want to seem pushy in an effort to be clear on what he wants but I have no plans on sitting around waiting on him to decide what he wants to do either. I have too much going on to do that but I really care about him just the same. I was at the point where I wanted to be that vulnerable me that I was not ready to show in the beginning. I do not want to do the ultimatum thing and make him decide because that normally backfires every time but what am I supposed to do.



  106.  #106dorothea on March 28, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    maybe try leaning back and see how much time or energy you really need with you doing nothing except receiving, tw? this might be an opportunity to practice receiving and appreciating all you receive, since you feel or it seems like you feel as though you’re not receiving enough. feeling like you’re not receiving enough can make us and our partners fail to see how much we’re in fact receiving.



  107.  #107TW on March 29, 2010 at 6:11 am

    I am just unsure as to what to do so I have chosen to do nothing. He is unsure so what does that mean to me. I can not just sit and wait but do I tell him this or do I just date and leave it at that. I want my relationship to work out but I do not know how to make it work anymore.



  108.  #108Aldonza on March 29, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    @Lori
    “He said that while it is great that Mr. Fabulous is so fabulous the rare times he is able to make time for me, that there is really no such thing as a man who is TOO busy to see a woman if he really wants to. He said a man will find a way to make it happen if he wants a woman badly enough.”

    Five dates over 2 months is not enough. Even a man who is working 80 hours a week can squeeze in more time than that. Trust me, I’ve dated workaholics.

    But that doesn’t mean you need to boot him out of the rotation. Just fill up your time with other men and stop dwelling so much on him.



  109.  #109Jennifer Porter on December 1, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Unconditional love! Wow! That is a saying I used many times in my young life. I am not convinced now as I mature that there is any such thing. I am healthy in mind and spirit. I am independent, but I need relationships that build and assist in my growth as I theirs. Unconditional, I do not think so. We place conditions every day, it is really whether those conditions much your needs.



  110.  #110Cat5 on August 26, 2011 at 9:20 am

    I’m with Jennifer. The idea of unconditional love is a myth, sold to us everyday. Let’s face it…there are always conditions. Wouldn’t unconditional love mean that he stays with you no matter what? So if he’d stay with me if I’m sick, wouldn’t that mean if his love was unconditional he’d stay with me if I had an affair? or lost all his money because I’m a compulsive gambler? Sexual addiction and compulsive gambling are sicknesses just as much as cancer, right?

    The idea of unconditional love is a myth and a fallacy.