Does He Not Respect You Because You Don’t Respect You – OR Him?

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Here’s a letter from Rhonda that I think we can all identify. I know that when I feel angry at or resentful of my husband – I feel all the things Rhonda feels.

It’s only my skills, my experience, all the work I’ve done to become more aware of what’s going on inside me and shift my attitude and the way I think about things, the Tools I use every moment of every day that make the dramatic difference in my life and romantic life:

“Hi Rori! I know you said the best way to get your man’s attention back onto you is to kind of ignore him, lean back, and go about your business and NEVER let him ignore you.

I am fine and okay doing this, but lately he has been going out more than often to “get away” and when he does, it always involves other girls being in the same setting, and it pisses me off because I think it’s inappropriate.

How do I go about having this conversation with him in a way that I can be heard. I’ve tried confronting him several times about it, and nothing is getting through his thick skull. I feel like he has no respect for me…

My Answer:

Rhonda – this situation rings to me as “low class” – and not because he’s low-class, or you are – but because of the “drama” involved here.

If this is your attitude towards him: “…I’ve tried confronting him several times about it, and nothing is getting through his thick skull. I feel like he has no respect for me” – then his “running away” makes perfect sense.

You have to own your part of this dynamic – and that’s YOUR respect for HIM.

And if he’s disappearing into social situations – then pretty much, it just says that neither of you have the maturity and skills at this moment to have a meaningful conversation that’s a heart-to-heart and not a confrontation.

He’s not just going for walks and running at the gym – he’s doing stuff that he has to KNOW specifically puts you off balance and feels hurtful to you.

You are BOTH punishing each other.

You have to go first.

You need to learn the skills of talking to him with respect and yet with your whole heart.

You need to learn to negotiate.

AND – this all begins with your relationship with yourself.

So – what does that look like?

Start with my ebook – and learn how to use the Tools by practicing them consistently with EVERYONE.

Love, Rori

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 7:15 am

    Does he not respect you?



  2.  #2April Rose on July 16, 2012 at 7:16 am

    It is so much about respect. Beginning with self respect



  3.  #3Pamelala on July 16, 2012 at 7:17 am

    A new post, yay!



  4.  #4Tam on July 16, 2012 at 7:50 am

    I feel that respect is almost more important than love in any relationship. I could never be with a man that does not respect me, and I could never be with a man whom I do not respect and admire (on some level).
    Having no respect kills communication and love. Yes, and like everything it starts with us – having self-respect. So much to learn…



  5.  #5Emerson on July 16, 2012 at 7:52 am

    A guy staying out late like that is the worst. Pretty much feels like a hurtful helpless situation.

    I don’t know how to handle it. Besides saying to get her ebook what does Rori recommend we should do??

    She says what is wrong that they cannot communicate but beyond that ?? Saying its low class feels bad.



  6.  #6ReceivingGirl on July 16, 2012 at 8:01 am

    From previous thread.

    1334: EsteemedNo Gravatar says:

    Starbright,

    1330 – There is more to it than meets the eye. At a glance, you are correct.

    But ponder this…I think he is testing to see if I am in love with him, or still in love with him. I really think that is what is going on with this. On his part, I think if a person were to be trying to keep something as friendship only, none of this would be mentioned; it would be intentionally ignored and avoided, concentrating on non-flammable-romance type conversation!

    Esteemed, I would like to comment about this. When things were happening with ShyGuy, when he was drunk, he would dance flirtatiously with me for hours on end, hug constantly, look at me that way, have conversations, took care of me, bought my drinks, held on to me when walking on ice, walk me to my house/car, etc.

    When he was sober, he would avoid.

    Everyone told me I had to make the first move. So, after 2 years, I did. He told me, “Sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.” and basically, he wasn’t interested. I didn’t believe him and I still don’t. Since then, he was drunk once, texted me inviting me camping for the weekend and told me what he’s trying to say is he digs me. Then, the next day, when he was sober, he canceled camping.

    I worry you are so caught up on R, like I was with ShyGuy for 3 years, and nothing will ever come of it. It doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested, but it just may never come to fruition. Please keep that in mind. ShyGuy’s sister-in-law recently told me that he told her (when drunk) that I am the perfect girl for him. Yet, nothing would ever come of it, ever.

    It’s sad, but it’s true. He won’t be with anyone because he won’t allow it. He is standing in his own way.



  7.  #7Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Emerson I believe that’s how men think (low class) because I have heard them use that type of term when referring to some women. Remember they want a prize. A woman who knows how to handle her emotions as speak up for herself and what she needs.



  8.  #8April Rose on July 16, 2012 at 8:04 am

    Emerson,
    I think ‘low class’ refers to the place that the woman has stooped to in referring to her man as having a ‘thick skull’.

    I have used such agressive language against men, and it does feel low class.
    With Rori’s help I have learned to elevate my capacity for respect.



  9.  #9Rebecca on July 16, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Wow, I feel this post is so about me…

    It’s the anger and fighting that I have in my head, that I can’t rise above, is a sure sign of immaturity in myself. I’m embarrased but it is true..

    I am so angry towards ONS man. I feel feelings of hate towards him, like I can’t let it go.

    And feelings of confusion. I need to allow myself to have these feelings, painful though they are. I wonder if me trying to block them out is actually making them worse.

    There has to be a better way of feeling than this…



  10.  #10Tam on July 16, 2012 at 8:27 am

    Receiving Girl…when I read about your ShyGuy just now, it was very revealing. I am wondering if I was stuck in something like this with MrU too….although, hm, not sure.
    Time will tell, because he used to step up more and more…but in the end when ‘push came to shove’, he would not make it clear. I was his girlfriend without being his girlfriend because as soon as you mention relationship (which I never asked him for, just made clear that’s the life form I would like with a man, any man)…he would get stressed.
    So I don’t know what would have happened if we had time to let it unfold naturally, as we got closer and closer but I do wonder if, like your experience, it was never meant to be as he could never make that last jump and asked me to be with him…he would always skirt around the issue and insinuate…
    I want a man who is sure about me and sure about wanting me and only me.



  11.  #11CurvySiren10 on July 16, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Tam ~ 10.

    “I want a man who is sure about me and sure about wanting me and only me.”

    First want to say I am really enjoying your voice here on the blog. You are articulate and very tuned in to yourself. It’s fun reading what you write here.

    I just want to say that I have found that it sometimes just takes a while for them to get there. Their timetables are different from ours. But just because a man isn’t right there today, doesn’t mean they won’t be. I have lived through this myself. The man I was with what VERY squeamish about admitting to us being in relationship for a long time, but then all of a sudden- things changed. I continued to be open to others while being sorta exclusive with him, but I never put pressure on the relationship. I just let it unfold organically, as hard as that was at times.

    And we actually got engaged a little over a month ago, so suddenly the guy who was VERY hesitant to admit to being “sure about me and sure about wanting me and only me” made that commitment.

    I truly believe it was my shift in vibe that created the environment he needed to “get there”.



  12.  #12Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Rebecca yes, the resistance can make these feelings worse. Ask yourself why am I angry?

    It might not be about him. You might be angry with yourself. You might even be angry at God.

    I believe you are doing magnificently well exploring yourself like this.



  13.  #13Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Also men don’t “talk” relationship. They live it. When we talk it some tend to take it personal as they hear “you are a failure” at taking care of the relationship.



  14.  #14Tam on July 16, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Curvysiren – wow. I loved your post so much.
    And congratulations on the engagement.

    Well, you see, I believe you’ve got a very good point..because I used to talk myself ‘out of it’ and made a lot of mistakes…however, he always came back and now I do not want to make a mistake of talking myself ‘into it’. But the more I learn here and the more I see what he does and how hard he is trying to get me to Florida (he even signed up to some website that sends him stuff and he forwarded it to me…it makes me smile)..

    I talk a lot, and he is a man of very few words. And those are about facts, figures and technical things. That together with the fact that he always used to make comments when there were other pretty girls around, made me feel like I should feel unloved, when in fact I felt very much loved and cared for, these were my triggers.

    One time I was so upset, he invites me to play ball, whilst boating with two girls in a group that he had earlier spoken about as being ‘hot’ – to me!!!. I declined to play and read my book. He went into the water and constantly called my name for about 5 minutes, I should join him. Well, I just ignored it and kept reading my book…and I had tears in my eyes, feeling so small and unattractive…then from under my sunglasses I observed him…..he did not even talk to them. One girl clearly fancied him, but he stood way away, never acted on it, and talked to a man. In the end, he came back onto the boat and I expected him to have the phone number of that girl (because we were not ‘officially’ a couple)…and he came with the guy, and they exchanged contact details for work or something…..I felt very silly, but still.

    The more I see what he does, it does unfold to me, however, as he keeps it all quiet and would never say ‘I did this for you’ it is sometimes hard to tell, he is just so non-verbal. In fact, I could swear his condo is only empty because he expected me to come back and rent it – but because he never says anything, it is difficult to know what is real and what isn’t. It may be just coincidence also. So I jump to doubting him and don’t want to do that anymore.



  15.  #15ReceivingGirl on July 16, 2012 at 8:58 am

    @1337 Previous thread

    Esteemed, what if you rescued yourself from R? What would that feel like? Why do you think?



  16.  #16Tam on July 16, 2012 at 8:59 am

    curvy siren, two years is a pretty long time to be dilly-dallying in my case though..isn’t it?!
    He’s been dilly-dallying through plenty of my serious dates, one boyfriend etc.
    He said he did not have anyone else, but he knows I am not sitting around waiting for him..or at least he does now as I almost got ‘married away’ from underneath his nose….prompting him to really throw himself in there. But then he retracted again, so…the dilly-dallying bothers me a great deal.
    I know he is scared, so am I, but I always believe if a man is not worried that his ‘prize’ is going to be snatched away from him, then he doesn’t really want it. That’s my view.



  17.  #17Pamelala on July 16, 2012 at 9:02 am

    I feel anxious about the direction the blog is taking this morning…a lot of assigning motive, assuming that he is thinking one thing but saying another, and excuse making. What’s happening? How much might the vibe shift if we just let me lead and stop trying to ‘figure it out.’

    I don’t know, I’m as guilty of this as anyone…especially when my guy is pulling away. I just want to send love and positivity to everyone who is hurting this morning.

    ((((((Hurting Sirens))))))

    For me, there is nothing more peace inducing than allowing my man to be who he is, letting him lead and just resting in the knowledge that my Higher Power has this all under control.

    Peace….



  18.  #18CurvySiren10 on July 16, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Tam, it’s been 2 1/2 years for me. Granted, I am divorced and not looking to start a family (I don’t know if you are) so time is very relative. But I have know for a while he was “it” for me and I was willing to invest the time, at least while my gut kept telling me to.

    I just have this “feeling” about your guy. Based on what you’ve said here, I think he is telling you that he wants to be with you…the best way he knows how. And I agree about the prize being snatched away comment. It sounds like he is waiting and anxious for you to come back, but again- he has his own way of communicating that. (ie. keeping the condo open etc.)



  19.  #19Rebecca on July 16, 2012 at 9:33 am

    FW

    Hahah yes, I am so angry at God, probably more so then anything else! I feel like shaking my fist at him. Life seems very miserable without LOVE… Oh, that makes me sound so shallow… I need to get over myself.. grrr..

    Yes, I am angry.

    I am angry at MR ONS man.. He opened up to me, for one brief lovely moment, and then he closed up again.. Lol, I feel so sad about this. Sad for me.. Sad for him… I just feel sad..



  20.  #20Tam on July 16, 2012 at 9:36 am

    18 Curvy Siren…it makes me feel good to read this because I have and had this ‘feeling’ all along with him, like it will all work out in the end and so on, but then something he will do or say and I am doubting. I lean back and see what happens and try to get into my vibe again, but it is hard…

    he will say something like that he is selling up and emigrating to Europe, he learnt the language of the country he wants to go to and is making concrete plans – just as I am about to make concrete plans to move to Florida…and then he is telling me that he will ‘still be in Fl when you get back’, and the boat is waiting for me and so on.
    So all the dilly-dallying….well, I have the feeling that he would even still be in Fl if I came back in 10 years…but he IS making plans to move to Europe and moving away…it’s a lot of mixed messages, you know?! Part of me was feeling so insecure because of these mixed messages, but I realise now that he is not saying these things to confuse me, he really does not know what he wants to do, he is figuring it out and I only have a minor side role in the movie, so it seems.

    He has hinted at wanting kids with me..several times, but it’s always coming across as a joke…I never know how to handle it and reply with a joke too. It ‘feels’ to me that he is dead serious.

    I am at a loss as to what is happening here…and I am trying to get back on my horse and just not worry and date other guys but the fact is that for all his faults and quirks, I love him and he loves me – but it just may never end up as anything – I am totally aware of that and it makes me sad, but as the saying goes ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’ – that’s the bottom line.



  21.  #21Tam on July 16, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Sorry for the verbal diarrhoea, BUT
    he also knows that I left the guy I was supposedly getting married to, because he re-appeared on the scene. Now, if I had married my then boyfriend, I would now be in Florida, where I want to be. I did not love him, but I liked him very very much. I realised that I did not love him because when MrU re-appeared on the scene, not 100 horses could have held me there. It was impossible – and also my then bf and I had some big issues due to the fact he was recently divorced with two kids and all the associaten problems, and of course my emotional unavailability in not being able to open up and deal with the issues…
    Sooooo I did not tell him for a long time why we did not get married and just said that we fell out of love, when in fact later I did tell him it had something to do with him, MrU, arriving on the scene. So I can’t be sure if he now just ‘feels sorry’ for me and wants to help me to live there by helping with advice etc. I don’t see the wood for the trees..
    but to be honest, I don’t think so. I don’t think he feels guilty, because he was so happy when I did not get married, it was like he was a new man and totally relieved…hm…sorry, I am just pondering, when, I know, I should think about myself.
    So now I stop!! 😉



  22.  #22Tam on July 16, 2012 at 10:12 am

    ..ok, I will stop but I have another big BUT…he is on a dating website looking for his ‘dream woman’ and he makes a big point of being a ‘single guy’ and will say it to everyone and me…so as far as I see..what I see is what I get. And it amounts to just a ‘feeling’ but no concrete evidence, and as I am not religious (sorry to those of you who are) – I find it hard to believe the things that I can’t see with my own eyes or hear with my own ears..cause what this amounts to, at the end of the day – is an imaginary relationship – and I certainly don’t want that.



  23.  #23Smile on July 16, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Hi tam,

    Just trying to understand more, who is the ‘he’ you talk about? Is this mr u or the guy you were meant to marry? Or were you meant to marry mr u and there’s another man?



  24.  #24bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 10:15 am

    have fun…. everything will get done

    hum hum hum



  25.  #25Smile on July 16, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Facebook- hmm should I de friend him…?

    It’s been a week since he said he would let me know about the wedding…

    Hmm I’m thinking rude

    Wow how my feelings have changed towards him…



  26.  #26ruth on July 16, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Evening ladies
    Ive been reading back on old blog posts

    So much pain and hurt out there
    And some excellent advice too

    I wish i had found this blog years ago

    Tam, it sounds as though he does want to hang on to you, but will he give you what you need
    You seem so in touch with your feelings

    Esteemed, I would so love for you to be free of R.I feel so sad reading your posts.You are clearly a beautiful special woman with so much to give



  27.  #27Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 10:24 am

    : Mercedes says:
    Rori: Do you think you can lean forward without hurting anything too? I mean if you’re comfortable in your relationship?
    Sometimes I lean in and kiss J…no asking…no leaning back and “waiting” or being open to it when he decides but actually grabbing ahold of his cheeks and planting one on him when he’s just sitting there minding his own business. He likes it…and I’m comfortable with it. My question do you think over time this will have negative results for me or do you think that because I’m doing what I want without expectations (oh…except that he’s going to kiss me back…I expect that…or at least would be shocked if it didn’t happen…) that’s why it works for us? Because I’m not expecting him to say anything or stop what he’s doing and spend the next 30 minutes staring into my eyes or taking out the trash? I’m just kissing him because he’s sitting there and looks all hot and I think it’s the right thing to do in that moment?
    Hmmm…
    I wonder about this a lot because I have those moments when I have to lean back because I’ve found myself wishing or hoping for a result or something specific to happen…I love the lean back concept because of those times. But I also like to lean forward…and I think it’s sweet when we do it.
    I wonder if Lisa’s man is angry and hurt because she’s leaned so far back she’s no longer doing the things he fell in love with about her…like if she gave spontaneous kisses or pats on the butt or if she made his special breakfast every Sunday morning and he loved that about her or if she always handed him the sports section of the paper first, etc. Sometimes, when we stop overfunctioning (which is another concept I TOTALLY agree with) we also stop doing the things these men loved about us from the start. Maybe her man just misses some of those things and she’s leaned just a bit too far back? Do you think that’s possible?
    I’m struggling with this one a bit…
    Much Love,
    Mercedes

    Rori Raye says:
    Mercedes – I’m back from my seminar and trying to catch up with all of you…and just put up a post in answer to Lisa…I’d like to put your question in a post, too…because – remember – my Tools are only Tools – they’re not a lifestyle or way of life. The goal here is for you to feel like a “rock star free spirit” and to be able to do ANYTHING you WANT! The thing is – most of us have such terrible habits, wanting things and trying to get them, having agendas for everything we do – that in order to get a grip and become AWARE of what we’re doing and where the impulses are coming from – we have to, as I say – “go back to the wall.” Love, Rori

    tinque says:
    If I may Mercedes, when you’ve been in a relationship a long time as you and I have (this can apply sometimes to a new relationship depending on the dynamic between the two people) there has been a energy established between you. There’s a comfort, a familiarity, a knowing the other person maybe better than they know themselves.
    When you SPONTANEOUSLY initiate affection or sex or when you FEEL like cooking for him or doing something for him, and this comes form a purity of heart, NO AGENDA, then yes of course. Do what moves you and feels good TO YOU.
    You are not a smotherer. This is the kiss of death for many men. So please relax and continue to be YOU. You are NOT creating potential damage.
    You know I initiate a lot. You know I cook for K when I want to. You know I seduce him when I feel like. K likes this very much as long as I don’t do for him with any expectations lingering in my mind or fawn over him, smother him.
    xxoo

    “how do we go from leaning back all the way to then leaning forward rock star like ”

    Mercedes – When one leans all the way back, the heart is still wide open and giving in that sense. It’s the action, the overfunctioning that has ceased.
    You will feel when the energy between you two has relaxed and opened back up. He will likely want to come to you because he misses you.
    At first it might feel awkward. You might be in your head a bit, wondering, “should I?, shouldn’t I”. And so you test the waters, a little here, a little there. Check in with yourself to see where your intention REALLY is. And you make little moves, a gentle kiss maybe, a reaching for his hand maybe. You get really, really tired of take out, so you cook again one night.
    Make sense?

    tinque says:
    Mercedes – My response to men who get angry when his women ceases over functioning is two fold. First I would suggest checking inside to see if your heart (not you personally, the hypothetical you) is closing off along with the shutting down of action.
    Men are for more sensitive to this than many women realize.
    If your heart is truly wide open, in receiving mode, in wafting love mode, then I would ask you why are you with such a man. Most good men would breathe a huge sigh of relief at the freed up energy. Most good men would wait and see if maybe there was a problem with you, but he wouldn’t feel this in your energy, so again he would feel relieved.
    Most good men would eventually ask about the change in behavior, WITHOUT anger. And you would say, “I just was feeling so much pressure from myself to “perform”, to cook, clean, whatever, and now I’m feeling exhausted. I don’t want to feel pressure. I don’t want to feel exhausted.” Or something like this.
    I would NOT want a man who would get angry period, let alone for something like this. Would you?
    xxoo



  28.  #28Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 10:24 am

    1. Sharing Feelings: Information or Attack?
    By Dr. Margaret Paul
    December 31, 2006
    When you share your feelings with a person you are upset with, what happens? Discover when it is helpful to share your feelings, and when it is controlling.
    “I’m angry with you.”
    “I’m feeling really hurt by what you said to me.”
    “I’m so disappointed in you.”
    “I’m feeling really irritated with you.”
    How often have you said these things to others? And how do they generally respond?
    Do they get defensive?
    Do they get angry?
    Do they withdraw?
    Do they lecture or explain things to you, trying to talk you out of your feelings?
    Do they become people pleasers, trying to fix your feelings?
    Are they open and curious?
    Most likely, they will respond with some form of protective, defensive behavior, because they probably feel attacked.
    Why would they feel attacked by your expression of feelings?
    When someone has done something that is upsetting to you, the question to ask yourself when you are sharing your feelings with that person is, “What is my intent in sharing my feelings with this person?”
    There are two possible answers to this question:
    I am sharing my feelings to give information.
    I am sharing my feelings to blame the person for causing my feelings.
    If you were sharing your feelings to give information, you might say, “I’m feeling angry with you, so I’m going out for a walk and try to deal with it.”
    If you were taking responsibility for your own feelings, you may not say anything about your feelings to the other person. You would go inside and explore what you are telling yourself that is causing you to feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or irritated. You might share information, such as, “I’m feeling stressed, so I’m going to take a bath.”
    But if you just say, “I’m angry with you,” or “You hurt my feelings,” then you are not taking responsibility for your feelings – you are dumping your feelings on the other person, and he or she will feel blamed.
    “But he did make me angry!” you might be thinking. “She did hurt my feelings.” “He did disappoint me.” Behind these statements lies a major false belief – the belief that others cause your feelings.
    It is not what another person says or does that causes your upsets, but your expectations and what you tell yourself about another’s behavior that causes your painful feelings. If you expected a birthday gift and didn’t get one, you will feel disappointed, but it is your expectation that caused the disappointment. If someone ignores you or rejects you, what do you tell yourself? Do you tell yourself that you are not good enough, not lovable enough? This is what will hurt you or make you feel angry. You will feel hurt and angry when you allow yourself to take others’ behavior personally. If you then blame them for your feelings, you are being a victim rather than taking responsibility for having taken their behavior personally.
    Others will likely feel manipulated, blamed and controlled when you make a statement such as “I’m angry with you,” or “I’m feeling hurt by what you said.” If the other person says “That’s your problem,” or responds with anger, defensiveness, or withdrawal, and then you respond with “I’m just sharing my feelings,” the interaction can get really convoluted.
    Next time you share your feelings and the other person gets angry, defensive, or withdrawn, take a moment to investigate your own intention. The chances are you are covertly blaming the other person for your feelings. Once you discover that this is what you are doing, disengage from the interaction and do an Inner Bonding process to explore how you might be causing your own feelings. What are you telling yourself and how are you treating yourself that is causing your upsetting feelings?
    You will discover that your interactions with others greatly improve when you stop being a victim by blaming others for your feelings and start to take responsibility for your own feelings through your Inner Bonding practice.



  29.  #29ruth on July 16, 2012 at 10:25 am

    I am feeling grounded and calm reading back on here(old posts)

    Its really helping



  30.  #30CurvySiren10 on July 16, 2012 at 10:28 am

    Ahh more similarities I’m hearing Tam. lol. It’s hard not to compare but also natural to do so I think. My guy also tends to joke about things and only because I know him SO well am I able to understand that it’s joking and not let it bother me. Ya know?

    But I really do trust instincts about these things and I feel like you are handling this beautifully. I would just gently suggest to have patience and continue to live your life, take care of yourself and CD as much as it feels beneficial to you. You’re doing really well!!



  31.  #31ruth on July 16, 2012 at 10:33 am

    FW thank you



  32.  #32bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 10:40 am

    thanks, femininewoman. i feel so real-life & not-a-failure reading what you are posting : )



  33.  #33Starla on July 16, 2012 at 10:41 am

    I am feeling really disappointed today that CF could NOT handle communication/working through things. He just took his ball and went home.

    I’ve never had that happen before, where a guy knew i was something special he had been looking for his whole life, and then did a 180 and just disappeared. I do believe I was THE one he had been looking for, and HE has his own issues so he poofed. I am taking less and less responsibility for his actions now as time goes on, but then again, i have transformed and shifted so much away from my own contributions to our issues, that it’s hard for me to remember how i acted lol



  34.  #34ruth on July 16, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Starla, whoever said grief was not linear had it spot on
    There will be days when you rage and grieve just like it was yesterday
    And then days when you are moving on
    xx



  35.  #35Starla on July 16, 2012 at 10:56 am

    i do think he’ll be back, too.
    and i don’t know how i could ever trust him again
    i do miss him terribly
    but the way he handled things is a pretty bad sign of how unstable a longer term relationship with him could be.



  36.  #36Starla on July 16, 2012 at 10:57 am

    i am guessing he’ll be back right when i’ve decided to take another man seriously.



  37.  #37Starla on July 16, 2012 at 11:01 am

    i can see it now – choosing between a guy who is stable to me and gives me an amazing relationship, but who doesn’t bring me the chemistry i had with cf, hoping it will one day develop, or CF, who does offer an amazing experience but it’s so tenuous there are no guarantees whatsoever it’ll last. It’s like, “choose between the good guy and your true love.”

    i feel it in my bones that CF will be back. Because I am detaching from him now and I can kinda feel energetically that he is questioning himself now.

    And I probably sound like a kook, but I trust these “feelings” I get.



  38.  #38Smile on July 16, 2012 at 11:04 am

    So here’s what I did….

    a few weeks ago I deleted my ex of 2 years ago off Facebook. I was triggered by pics of him and his new gf coming up in my newsfeed.

    After major realisations yesterday about our past relationship I leant forward today and texed him. I have not spoken to him in 8 months but recently my best friend and his best friend have been spending time together.

    Hm… Why did I do this? Do I want to see if it’s over? Do I want male attention…?

    I think I was feeling guilty about deleting him and didn’t want to appear unfriendly. Why was I triggered by seeing pictures in my newsfeed?



  39.  #39Starbright on July 16, 2012 at 11:05 am

    But, will you still want him when he comes back?



  40.  #40Starla on July 16, 2012 at 11:05 am

    i believe it is possible to have an amazing and safe relationship with a HOT man, I just don’t think I can handle it yet, haha. I have work to do on myself to be secure enough to handle it. I couldn’t handle it with CF.



  41.  #41Tam on July 16, 2012 at 11:05 am

    23 Smile..ok, here goes.
    MrU and I met 2 years ago…during which time we were a sort of couple and then sort of not and lots of misunderstandings and miscommunication and silences.
    I decided at some point to date other guys, but we always kept in contact, well I usually initiated..and that was part of the prob, cause I never knew if he wanted me cause I was the initiator. One day I gave up completely.
    Then he started leaning forward and taking me out etc. and then withdrew. When he withdrew, I thought: ok, time to MOVE on. And I did. I met a lovely guy who was freshly divorced and was the total opposite. He told me 10 times a day that he loved me, way too soon, he wanted me to move in with him, marry him – I thought ‘yea, that’s how it is supposed to be’ and ‘fell for it’…I did not check my feelings because underneath I knew they were off about something..and then I got it all. The kids had no discipline (staying up playing drums till midnight), the ex wife was walking in and out of the house like she still lived there…and so on.
    And I could not talk to him (emotional unavailability). And then, lo and behold…MrU contacts me, he had our friends there and he wants to see me. So he was my escape, we did lots of stuff together but this time, it didn’t go sexual (because I was still kinda involved with the other guy)..and it was lovely because we were like best friends. But of course this didn’t last because from the first day I kissed MrU, I could not kiss the other guy anymore (silly me) or do anything with him, and he knew and we split up – we were already discussing/planning marriage (also so we could stay together in the US)so that was all gone then.
    I did not tell MrU why we split up, and he did not know the full story. So then I was single again, and we did even more stuff together, I stayed at MrU’s house, he was lovely..he even at some point said he would marry me if it was a win-win for both of us, i e I could help him live in the country in Europe and he would help me – but I said it wouldn’t work (and it wouldn’t have because I did not want to live in Europe). He did not ask me to marry him for love and already I was a bit wounded by that, but ok.
    Then I had to go back to Europe as my visa ran out but I never had a commitment from MrU, so in effect I could have got married and got my visa but I dropped everything for love….even knowing that the man might not commit to me – MrU – and I did not pressure him cause I know him.
    And he did not say: be my girlfriend. He let me go back to Europe all unresolved.
    And then he signed back onto the dating website, looking for ‘the woman of his dreams’ and I cut contact…..until he started it again some time back and we are kind of getting re-aquainted now. No matter how many times I will tell him ‘I don’t want to be just friends, I do not want to stay in contact’, he will always ignore and contact me again. Lately I have been opening up to him, telling him everything that happened around the proposed marriage and some other things, and he really jumped forward and is initiating more contact and has started to open up himself….but, you know, I am at a loss now. I feel that I have forsaken another man and my life in Florida and I received just a lukewarm handshake instead – and I was ok with that because I knew him and had no expectations, but it has left a bitter aftertaste.
    I don’t know what he’d have done if I had opened up to him sooner, told him what really happened (he did not know I chose him over another guy like that), and revealed a bit more of my persona and my feelings.
    It is what it is. I have kind of given up hoping, oh for a long time..but he keeps coming back, and every time more strongly. When I am there I FEEL like his girlfriend, he has nobody else, I know his friends/family etc. And when I have to leave I FEEL dropped….so I start again.



  42.  #42Smile on July 16, 2012 at 11:05 am

    I think I’ll hold back off deleting strumming man



  43.  #43Tam on July 16, 2012 at 11:09 am

    36 Starla, that’s what happened to me.



  44.  #44Tam on July 16, 2012 at 11:11 am

    Curvy Siren, your posts have been of much comfort to me, because some things I feel and then wonder ‘are they just imaginations?’ I am happy and feel understood. Thank you.



  45.  #45Starla on July 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

    I don’t really want to worry myself so much with this stuff, though. I am just going to CD like crazy, keep an open mind and open heart, and see what happens. I’m young and beautiful and sweet and everything is OKAY
    ((((((((((me)))))))))



  46.  #46Smile on July 16, 2012 at 11:20 am

    Tam, now I understand more. Thank you for sharing that.

    I see you have an elastic band man too!

    ((tam))



  47.  #47Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 11:24 am

    “I’d rather regret the things I’ve done than regret the things I haven’t done.”

    – Lucille Ball



  48.  #48Smile on July 16, 2012 at 11:31 am

    OMG he just texed back! That was spooky!

    I actually didn’t think he would. But it feels really good to hear from him 🙂

    He wrote

    ” …I assume you have your reasons for deleting me on Facebook lol. You don’t need to answer but can I ask why?
    Anyway whatever it is I hope we don’t lose complete contact as I would like to stay in touch and on good terms with you! …”

    Seriously need help on feeling messages here…



  49.  #49Tam on July 16, 2012 at 11:35 am

    Smile he sounds nice!



  50.  #50Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 11:36 am

    Some cut and past from Carol Allen on Tom and Katie Cruise

    Now, speaking of compatibility, Tom and Katie have almost PERFECT compatibility together… They have easy friendship, agreement, understanding, a feeling of safety and ease, and more.
    And Tom and Katie have no big “obstacles” in their way, no “misfortune,” no problems of “respect” and no big imbalances in their “temperaments.” They also have a high “wavelength score” indicating they’d want the same things at the same time.
    They’re compatible enough to divorce easily, too!)
    But they do have one thing against them that we’ve heard about A LOT in the press ever since they got married in 2007.
    In this technique it looks to a little thing called “Assertive Pressure” and it’s considered one of the most important things to consider. And it’s off between Tom and Katie… way off…
    Here’s why this is important:
    “For two people to have a harmonious relationship, not only must they have an innate attunement towards each other, they must also assert themselves equally, or else the relationship will become imbalanced and frustrated. The position of Mars in your horoscope, and not just in one of your Vedic charts but in three important charts, determines how much force you assert yourself with in your relationship. If both people assert themselves with relatively equal force, they will be able to work together to have a balanced and healthy relationship. If one of them asserts themselves more than the other, the relationship will become imbalanced.”
    And – just like all the tabloids have been saying for years, here’s what their report says about the “imbalance” of power between them:
    “The man asserts himself with more force than the woman. This can result in the woman feeling pushed into the corner or like she never has a say on a matter. She may also find it hard to say ‘no’ when she needs to in the face of the man’s stronger presence. If by chance the man is a very gentle person, he may simply be very stubborn and quietly insist on things going the way he deems fit. This can make it quite difficult for the woman’s concerns to be met and while her concerns may not be challenged, sufficient attention will not likely be given to them.”
    And THAT would be why a woman would secretly plan to leave a man, and only let him know once she’s got everything taken care of and mapped out… sigh.

    By the way – every time there’s a big difference in “assertive pressure” between a couple – when they’re essentially a lion and a mouse, the mouse ALWAYS leaves the lion…
    There’s been studies on this very dynamic and it happens about 95% of the time. And no one is more surprised than the more “assertive” person of the two, because they’d been “in charge” all along – before the mouse finally had enough.
    And so it’s common for people at a level of excellence and mastery, to have an incredibly strong influence helping them to be extremely disciplined. And Tom does.

    Now, this same influence that helps him have laser-vision focus – the kind that enables a man to work out for ten hours a day, do his own death defying stunts off of skyscrapers, endure military jungle training for weeks (which my husband did with him years ago for “Born on the Fourth of July” – no kidding!), or learn to SING like a rock God in a handful of months (go see “Rock of Ages” – he steals the movie!) is not the greatest for his love life.

    And it would be the thing in his chart that would make him the hardest to be close to.

    “This indicates a pained personality as well as a personality that is painful to be with or live with. A man with this kind of powerful Saturn energy is generally very controlling due to his fears, which cause him to worry that others may make mistakes. He’ll tend to feel very isolated, but can be so difficult to be around that even his loved ones may avoid him, while at the same time feeling sorry for him. He’ll desire wealth as a means of security, and is usually cautious in spending. He will be attached to his mother, and she will have a strong influence on him.”

    The lesson behind this is for him to learn how to move forward in life in a healthy and balanced way. Until he learns that, he can be overwhelming, pushy, and frustrated and insensitive to what happens around him as he does what he thinks he needs to do…

    “In his relationship this can cause problems as it can make him very intent on making the relationship work until one day he gets another strong intention and then he puts all his energy into that and lets the relationship slide…

    A guy like this can be EXTRA confusing for a woman because at first he’ll be SO into her – jumping on couches and singing his love off the rooftops, but then he’ll be obsessed with his projects, and busy to a fault.



  51.  #51Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Smile you can start by telling him how you felt in the moment you got the response.

    Then if you wish respond about still having feelings for him above friendship and how jealous you felt seeing him with the new girlfriend. Use the I am just a girl here.

    This helps you to practice speaking your truth and opening your heart.



  52.  #52Starla on July 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

    The problem with Tom and Katie is that Katie isn’t a man.
    =/



  53.  #53Smile on July 16, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Tam- he is, he’s lovely  thank you for yesterday for helping me to see that you don’t need to hear I love you to know you are loved



  54.  #54CurvySiren10 on July 16, 2012 at 11:57 am

    I feel so good to hear that Tam. I tend to stay pretty quiet here but something told me to share with you today. My relationship has been all over the place too. I could tell you so many stories. It’s been a 2 1/2 year rollercoaster, but I always knew somewhere deep inside, we’d end up together. And he has totally committed himself to me and to us in the past several months, making me really happy and mostly trusting my own gut for hanging in there, when it seemed unwise or at least, very confusing. I trusted that the Universe would take care of making sure things played out as they were supposed to. I’m not religious either- so this is about as spiritual as it gets for me. lol

    So glad to share with you. Like I said earlier, your voice has added so much here. I look forward to hearing how this all turns out…I have my own suspicions on how it will! 🙂



  55.  #55Tam on July 16, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Well, he hasn’t responded regarding the condo yet so that means two things, that I fabricated a story regarding him keeping it empty for me and the second thing – means I am stuck here another 4 months instead of two, which is even worse. Nevermind, eh?!



  56.  #56Smile on July 16, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Feminine woman, how bout this…

    ” … It felt really nice to see your name on my phone again when you texed. Hm… My reasons for deleting you… I don’t often see you in my newsfeed but suddenly you started appearing more. I felt a pang of jealousy seeing you with your new girlfriend- I’m just a girl here lol”



  57.  #57Tam on July 16, 2012 at 12:03 pm

    Curvysiren, I feel so happy for you that it worked out, really. You sound so wise, eloquent and relaxed!! I feel soothed!!
    🙂
    I also try to trust in the Universe and all I can do is live my life in awareness and try to be positive about my situation which is challenging, and men should be the least of my worries.
    But it has made me much calmer hearing your story…please keep me posted! 🙂



  58.  #58Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Tam truthfully I feel a bit uncomfortable about the condo agenda. It seems too convenient or maybe that you might need him for your convenience. Not necessarily that you are interested in the human being who owns the condo. If he senses you only need him because of the condo it might leave him feeling not good enough.

    Do this make sense?



  59.  #59Tam on July 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    FW, I almost feel worried bout the opposite, like he would think I’d want the Condo to be close to him!!
    I am almost glad you see it like that.
    You see, he offered it not for free but for a small rent, and he offered it many times. I am very sure that he would not feel like I use him because in return I offered to also help with his housework (not anymore overfunctioning), he is a hoarder too and distraught about it, he does not let many people into his house and we cleared it together last time – and had loys of fun out of what is for him a very troublesome situation. We have already gone through a lot together.
    I am confident he knows I would never use him. And I trust he would never ‘use’ me.
    But thanks for the perspective…



  60.  #60bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    i’m noticing i can choose to Respect my “anger” ……. & also… Value it…… & also even Enjoy it : ))



  61.  #61Tam on July 16, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Having said that – who knows, FW. He does need a lot of reassurance, that’s for sure.



  62.  #62bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    i’m picturing it looking like me getting “hit by lightening”…. & thus, yes, Shocked… but also a bit “en-light-en-ed” lol



  63.  #63Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    … It felt really good to see your name on my phone again when you texed though I did not expect a response. Hm… I am just a girl here and I felt a pang of jealousy everytime I saw you in my newsfeed with new girlfriend. I still have feelings for you way above friendship and just could not continue to put myself through that.”

    This is me though. I definitely would take out lol though I know it is almost standard these days. It gives a suggestion that you are laughing at your own feelings in a kind of put down way as if they are not important. To me at least that is how it seems.



  64.  #64Tam on July 16, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    FW, he loves it when I am there, it’s next to his house and I stayed a weekend once and first thing in the morning he’d scream my name underneath the window…hehe to come around to his place for breakfast. It was cute.



  65.  #65Smile on July 16, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Thanks for the advice FW!



  66.  #66Tam on July 16, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Smile, I agree, your message seems cool except the lol..it kind of devalues the other stuff…I do this too, sometimes I say something and make it less strong by putting one of those 😉
    But I am stopping it now, I feel it changes the tone



  67.  #67bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    i notice i try to “clamp down” on those “Negative Emotions”… & that makes me feel “Separate” from my Authentic Self…….. which makes me feel “Separate” in general…. which makes me feel lone-ly & un-loved (((hugs))) to the human heart (((love))) good vibes & comfort. slow, ease… understanding, love, patience, humility, generosity, gratitude



  68.  #68Tam on July 16, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Smile, ha, with FW power message he might drop his gf….



  69.  #69Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    bloom-ing are you lk?



  70.  #70Smile on July 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    Tam/FW

    I did indeed put it in there to lighten the tone of what I wanted to say and make it less serious. But I can def see it was not the place for it.



  71.  #71Smile on July 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Tam-68

    I believe in the power of the universe!



  72.  #72Jasmine on July 16, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Starla,

    We are very alike!!



  73.  #73Tam on July 16, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Me too Smile, me too. Some days, like today, I get a bit confused, but basically we have to trust it will all unfold like it should. Sigh.



  74.  #74bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    hi, femininewoman! i needed a “shift” : )



  75.  #75Daria on July 16, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    im feeling high and uncomfortable stretching my intimacy comfort zone

    i just panicked felt unworthy and scared and am pushing a good man away and i felt upset and i feel myself turning cold and i see it as im writing it aww

    and also i feel panicked and anxious and i want my alone time



  76.  #76Daria on July 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    im ‘working hard’ to take care of my girl and i want to stop!

    ack!

    stop daria

    i overfunctioned to take care of my girl’s feelings and now i feel uncomfortable and i threw it on my man and now i feel upset w him and

    i feel guilty and unworthy that i took care of my girl

    and possibly ‘hurt’ myself and if i dont look at it that way

    my money honey says im doing feeling lovely

    im feeling money stress is this mine no

    okay i am okay yay

    i can feel chill

    yeahy 🙂



  77.  #77Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Been a while since I shifted. Maybe I could use one too??!!



  78.  #78bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 1:16 pm

    “is this mine?” yummy question, daria : )



  79.  #79Daria on July 16, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    by my girl i meant my friend who is over here hehe 🙂

    now i feel better i watched porn and had an orgasm yay i love me!

    im soooo fun and cool



  80.  #80Daria on July 16, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    bloom-ing ?

    right? cuz whats the last time i had money stress?

    Money is my honey and he takes EXCELLENT care of me

    i never have to stress about him we’ve got and amazing and wonderful expanding relationship!

    🙂 mmmmmm yum



  81.  #81Rori Raye on July 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    Sandy – I’m holding your comments in moderation – and here’s what I wrote to you, and to anyone new who’s not familiar with the “Guidelines”:
    If you’re new to the blog, there are guidelines (look for the “Guideline” page over in the right sidebar) – and unless you’re a professional coach or therapist, I can’t let your comments through if they are “advice-driven.”.

    Basically, we’re all working toward vulnerability and using Feeling Messages – and I frown on ANYONE giving “advice” to anyone else.

    If you’d like to participate on the blog – instead of judging anyone’s behavior or thinking or actions or feelings, or analyzing her situation or warning her – I’d encourage you to look inside yourself, at how you’re being triggered by someone else’s words and experiences and situation, and how your own feelings feel to you.

    That would be valuable to everyone, most especially YOU – which is why this blog is the way it is.

    My professional experience tells me that any woman who is judging, anayzing and figuring out other women on the blog is also doing that with men. And we’re all working toward stopping that completely.

    Love, Rori



  82.  #82Starla on July 16, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    I was just thinking “i want some romantic male attention from someone other than CL” and 2 seconds later the NICEST texts came through on my phone from another guy:

    “I just had an argument with myself about you. One side of my brain decided to declare that you are the best person we know. The other side decided you are actually the most amazing person we know.. But wait.. this gets kind of epic.

    So the debate was born, best or amazing… back and forth they went making points and giving examples to one another… Neither giving an inch except conceding to agree that they both believe you to be strikingly gorgeous and deeply missed…

    FOR UNTOLD GENERATIONS… the battle went on… pitting brother against brother in an epic battle of wills that was only finally decided when one side killed the other.

    Therefore.. you are officially the most amazing person I know… And I don’t know how to do math anymore….”



  83.  #83Starla on July 16, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Re 81, I feel so curious what Sandy had to say. It feels like not being able to open up a present hahaha. Ohhh, I’m such a stubborn baby (((((((((stubborn baby)))))))))



  84.  #84Tam on July 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm

    wowsie, Rori, your post has reminded me that we should stop analysing..and I was just going to put more of that into here..it’s been one of those days..but at least I am aware of it. sigh.

    I just got a fb message from the friend who is staying at MrU’s place, telling me how he made him his super duper coffee (of which I also had many), and told him a few new stories. I was proud of myself, because of course I felt sadness and curiosity, but I did not ask anything regarding women or anything at all, I just told him to hug ‘my two cuties’ (MrU and a neighbour I adore, an old man) and hope all is well. No questions no inquiry..

    It did make me think a little, how really, other than intuition, I have no idea that I am not just one of these friends for MrU also….and of course as I am a woman and cute he is attracted to me, and wants to be physically intimate, as we know men can be physically intimate with many women – no probs. That does not mean he is in love with me or interested in anything else. It could really be that he just wants friendship, I have no indication to the contrary, and there is nothing in the emails either pointing to any romantic feelings.
    I will just take that with me from today, as a little lesson.
    Never assume anything. Go with the evidence.



  85.  #85Tam on July 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    I also wonder what Sandy was going to say…somehow I felt unfomfortable though, because i spewed all over the blog..I ponder – was it me she was trying to advise…to ‘shut up’ perhaps?! lol
    The mind boggles 😉



  86.  #86Starla on July 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    Tam, haha, that’s funny. I thought, “she is telling me I need to see a shrink for schizophrenia cuz of these “gut feelings” I get”

    (((((((((us)))))))))



  87.  #87Smile on July 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm

    The girlfriend means NOTHING – unless it means something to HIM! He’s “fair game” in that you need have no guilt feelings about dating him.

    BUT – if he’s in love with her – you’re never going to get close to him.  Not going to happen.

    If she’s a “for now” girlfriend – you have as excellent chance of him moving closer to you as HE has of getting closer to you. In other words, the playing field is “level.”

    So – here’s the deal: Are you wasting your time and energy on him?

    And the answer is ALWAYS YES!!!!!

    No matter WHAT the circumstances (he’s recently separated, just divorced, getting divorced, living with a girlfriend but not in love with her….whatever) the ONLY thing that matters is what he DOES around YOU.

    If he makes a lot of effort to see you, then you get to set your perimeters of how you want this to look (he has to be officially separated or divorced, he has to move out of the girlfriend’s house…whatever you want…).

    If he makes a lot of effort to see you, it’s exactly the same as with any OTHER man you’re Circular Dating.

    If he makes a little bit of effort to see you – it’s STILL the same as with any other man you’re Circular Dating.

    If he makes no effort at all to see you – then –there’s not even anything to Circular Date with.

    He’s either there or he isn’t.

    It might take time to find out where this man is.  In the meantime – you Circular Date him.  That means you flirt, you have coffee – whatever HE invites you to…and you observe. You observe to see if you’re a good match, if you’re on the same page, if you’re in the same place.

    If you start to feel uncomfortable, you back off. You stop Circular Dating him.

    I know this sounds way too simple – but it IS SIMPLE!!!

    Just by trying to figure this out – you’re giving him WAY too much power!

    See if you can take his circumstances and this other woman out of the picture, and just respond to him the way you would ANY man. Practice with him the way you would ANY man. Stay OPEN to him the way you would ANY man.

    Can you break the situation down this way?  It requires stripping away all the extra stuff that’s crowding your thinking around this. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with his girlfriend/no-girlfriend situation.

    He’s either there with you or he’s not.

    Let’s see what he does.

    YOU, in the meantime, Circular Date and keep in good touch with how you’re FEELING. Because here’s what the REAL problem is:

    Because you’re unsure about the “logistics” of his situation, it’s making it so you can’t be open, authentic, warm, openly attracted to him, confident with him.  All the Modern Siren things you know how to be. You can’t practice drawing him in, because you’re feeling confused and guilty about his “situation.”

    You’ve created a situation here with a man who you don’t know his actual “availability.”  So….FORGET ABOUT THAT!!!

    Just Circular Date him. Practice trusting yourself in the moment instead of trying to guess what’s going on, and what’s going to go on several moments from now.

    He’ll fill in the blanks as you go – and if there’s nothing there – you won’t be invested because – you KNOW how to do this!!

    This was helpful to read!!!



  88.  #88Smile on July 16, 2012 at 1:59 pm

    Ha maybe sandy is my ex’s currently girlfriend who’s Sussed me out and saying stay away lol!

    Well she doesn’t need to worry if she follows roris tools and reads post 87



  89.  #89Tam on July 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    haha..I believe now we need to know what Sandy was all about…oh pleeeeeeze…



  90.  #90Starla on July 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I know, I feel a little minimized or something having someone decide FOR me that I need “protecting” from a certain communication style.

    But I also feel trusting of Rori’s judgment. Plus it’s her blog and if she wants to avoid a sh*tstorm, then she should:)



  91.  #91Rebecca on July 16, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    I was just actually thinking today what a safe place this blog is. I hope it doesn’t change. And please, if I offend anyone then let me know..

    I agree with Rori though about us all being triggered. I felt very triggered today about something, but I held back because I realised it was all about me and stuff I needed to work through.



  92.  #92Dominique on July 16, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    I feel fascinated how we will often automatically think it must be about us when we hear there has been a negative sounding comment made, and we can’t see what it’s really about.

    This is universal by the way. Most of us will do this. It’s something to notice and the turn to self and lavish even more love thereupon. 🙂

    xxoo



  93.  #93Emoticon on July 16, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    This is too true. Rori’s advice is on point. I have been in this situation and know it.



  94.  #94Dominique on July 16, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    Starla – It’s not that RR doesn’t think you can handle it. It’s more that it’s not appropriate or useful to what it going on here, what this forum is about.

    xxoo



  95.  #95bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    wow… i love my socially-awkward self & i’m not really even feeling that “cool” about that “Label” i just gave myself….

    so i’m going to skip that part about saying i’m one way or another

    & just say i feel really uncomfortable & confused about facebook…. & sad : ((( awwww (((little girl))) awww oh i feel so ashamed (((it’s ok))) hugs….

    it’s like i go on… because i want to Connect & feel Connected….. & then….. all the names, images…. news stories………. i feel……….. Drowned Out. i feel helpless & “like a stranger”… ((((lonely)))) it’s ok little girl, i don’t mind & everyone has their own Wavelength they’re “on”…. it’s chill, i’m not a loser ! lol i’m not ! i’m not a loser : ) i’m pretty cool ……. & not because i have “cool” boyfriends or because i was in the “cool” sorority…… or because i’m “smart” or “pretty” or anything. i’m just cool, because everything is amazing ! yeah ! everything is totally awesomely amazing & i’m part of it : )) good girl i think it’s great : )))

    i do still feel interested… intrigued… by facebook : ) like, i DO want to feel connected there…

    i feel a bit confused…. like, who i am “allowed” to contact. because there’s no “opt-in” or, the phone rings & someone chooses to answer it… it’s very Push-Push technology….. (((gentle girl)))…….. i see all the human faces….. some of them are REALLY close to me. like, my mama or my cousin. or my best friends who are girls (who i don’t talk to barely at all anymore since they’re all out of state) or my best friends who are guys (same thing, plus the added confusion of contacting men with Girlfriends, because i don’t want to cause any women any stress…)…….. it feels Weird to contact my besties…. because i don’t feel like anything really happens. like, i could say “oh ! you’re so cute in that picture & i miss you” but i feel that’s obvious that i miss them. & obviously i think they’re the cutest things ever all the time because their faces make my heart feel warm : )

    some people “read” really fun & cool : ) i like to “follow” starly’s updates, because she’s so neat & she “uses” the site…… there is this other girl who is a dj…….. & this other woman who used to work for my dad & she is a stay-at-home mom right now & OMG i die of joy looking at pictures of her babies & reading her hilarious updates about how people can’t stop staring at her huge breasts or how people at the gym are silly…. : )) yeah, people like that. but those aren’t really my like “best friends” except for starly but i don’t even “social-ize” with her, i just like her a ton : )

    i guess i’ll just “let go of the outcome” & give myself permission to experiment…. : )

    i notice there are “levels” of involvement… & the most puzzling to me are the people who post endlessly………. but never get “responses”…. because….. then why are you posting ?

    part of me – my Mama Bear voice – is saying, “ok, well listen little lady, everyone is different & some people are just Better socially than others”

    but then, i want some of that. : ) & the “wanting” is juicy, right ??? i should make some new friends ! that’s what i think : ) (((((littlegirl))))) i think you’re sweet & i think that sounds love-ly : )))) ooh i even have some ideas : ) thank you : ) you are SWEET : )

    eek i feel ashamed to post because i feel so judgemental toward myself & i “assume” that others will judge me…. or think, “ugh what a terrible measly excuse for a human” lol i’m actually picturing those “poor unfortunate souls” from Ursula’s sea-lair…… awwww ((((self))))

    ooh, just “found” this little piece of pain from this very morning… feel curious about it…. well first of all, i was feeling Awesome, Cool, Loving…. then i started to feel “tired” & then “late”…….. feeling “tired” made me ask, “who’s helping me?” which is a heavy question…. & then “late” made me feel “why is this happening?” & really they are related – i tried to do too much this morning & ended up feeling Drained….. ((((tiredself)))))

    i intend to slow down & notice when i am feeling weak or a little woozy & i intend to be gentle with myself & not feel shame or impatience with myself : )



  96.  #96Starla on July 16, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    94 dominque, well if we “could handle it” then we could respond in a way that’s in line with the purpose of this forum, and it WOULD be useful. so that’s kind of a roundabout way of saying, actually, no, she doesn’t think we can handle it (in a way that is aligned with the purpose of this forum).



  97.  #97ruth on July 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    Bloom-ing

    I think of facebook as candy floss

    Nice, pretty, lovely pics but you dont post or say anything too important there



  98.  #98Starla on July 16, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    bloom-ing, you can always post on my threads or my wall or share anything you like at all on my wall, i would LOVE it!



  99.  #99bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    i feel extra-gentle toward myself picturing how this whole world has all these “walls” & “buttresses” & like….. “i have flown out the window of the cathedral” – that’s how i’m picturing my goddess self…..



  100.  #100ruth on July 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    feeling so terribly invisible and insignificant

    But thats my issue

    Time for some shut eye



  101.  #101Tam on July 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Ruth, I see you and hear you 🙂



  102.  #102Starla on July 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    ruuuuuuuuuuth
    hi!
    i’m totally self important and self absorbed. seriously. that’s me in a nutshell (i also fit into other nutshells)

    hi ruth! hi!!!!!!!!
    :):):):)
    have a nice nap:)



  103.  #103bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    there is a difference between worshiping in-doors, & worshiping out-doors….. not that 1 is “better”…. but it feels different……

    in this post, rori alludes to the disciplined practice of using tools that work…… i feel curious about “other” tools…….. “less than” or “not-as-” judgements …

    i feel dismissive & afraid of “hierarchy”….

    so i’ll just say, not that feeling 1 way is Better Than any other way – it’s just that i Enjoy feeling Happy

    judging this again. a vow to feel “depressed” – cry tears for every fallen soldier or sick child…

    i can feel sad…. i can feel angry…

    what does that increase, though ? giving energy to those things……

    i feel curious & i feel loving & i feel content & not-lonely : )))



  104.  #104bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    ruth, thank you : ) i feel lightened-up reading “candy floss” : )))

    starla, thank you : ))))) you are so much fun : )



  105.  #105Dominique on July 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Actually Starla, I meant you personally, not necessarily everyone. I don’t know that it would be useful to trigger someone when it’s hurtful/accusatory/judgmental words. I don’t know what the post said, but I imagine it was along those lines.

    Posts like this have gone through before, and it has become rather ugly here, and there were other times when the commenter was largely ignored.

    So yeah, I see your point, for we are subjected to this kind of “attack” out in the real world too.

    xxoo



  106.  #106Starla on July 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    oh ok dominique i thought you meant the “proverbial” you haha.

    i still feel soooooo curious about what Sandy had to say. i’m like a little kid when it comes to this stuff.



  107.  #107Starla on July 16, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    Wait, dominique, does that mean the comment WAS about me, if you meant ME PERSONALLY? ahhhh hahaha i’m going crazy and i feel amused too.



  108.  #108bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm


  109.  #109April Rose on July 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    I feel grumpy. And irritated.

    I sent love to WM today, but it didn’t come from my heart. I had no heart desire to send him love. I wanted him to be far away from me. His nearness was making me feel agitated and disturbed.

    I know I can’t blame him.
    I know I’m choosing to live with him and move on and keep on with dating. I feel angry being ‘stuck’ here with him.

    I feel curious to know what past thing he was triggering in me. I feel frightened like I felt when I was young and my Dad ignored my wishes. I felt like he was trampling on my peace and gentleness, and I felt frightened because I didn’t know why. I thought he wanted to scare me on purpose.
    I fear the same thing with EM.



  110.  #110siren song on July 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    FW,

    That older post about anger is about guy who loves me.

    I feel soooo weird reading that. And so so much better he is not in my life right now. That anger was making me feel tiny and scared. I don’t feel tiny or scared anymore.



  111.  #111siren song on July 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    And I was blaming myself, analyzing, treating myself without love. I was screaming at myself on the inside.

    I feel super-sad that I lived like that.



  112.  #112siren song on July 16, 2012 at 3:49 pm

    Ew. I feel super-mad at myself for letting a man scream at me for years. I love my anger.



  113.  #113April Rose on July 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    I’m taking babysteps in feeling my feelings in each moment.

    I experience so much fear. I have decided that fear is simply resistance to feeling my feelings.

    Fear is a good sign. It means that there are feelings to be felt, and I just need to be present and feel them.



  114.  #114April Rose on July 16, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    If a man scares me, I can take it as a sign that I can go even deeper into my feelings in his presence.



  115.  #115April Rose on July 16, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    I meant “if I feel scared in a man’s company or when thinking of him”.

    I am making assumptions when I say he is scaring me on purpose. It is not necessarily true at all.

    ((((men))))



  116.  #116April Rose on July 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    I am very much looking forward to listening to Rori’s teleclass recording tomorrow.

    I won’t be listening to the live broadcast, because it will be 1.30am here in the UK and I will be deeply immersed in a regenerating beauty sleep!



  117.  #117siren song on July 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    In my case, I feel the anger was abusive and my fear and panic way back when was a signal that I didn’t fully listen to. I was trying to fix it instead of taking him at face value. He yelled at a waitress on our first date. Red flag!

    Wow I feel so clear on this now.



  118.  #118Starla on July 16, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    I love me so much
    I am so beautiful
    I am interested in peace
    I am not the vanguard of right and wrong



  119.  #119Pamelala on July 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    FW – Remember yesterday when you said I should accepts K’s “love you” as a message from his subconscious? Well, he got home from his trip today and said, “did you hear what I said yesterday!?” I said yes! And he went on to say that the he’d been thinking about it ever since and that the feelings are definitely there but he knows I’m not ready to hear them…but that I should know that they are there and that he feels like a king when he is with me and can’t get enough. Then, he gave me a thumb ring with our names engraved in it! He’s so sweet! I’m on cloud 9 and have to work now.



  120.  #120Femininewoman on July 16, 2012 at 5:48 pm

    Congrats Pamelala. The message I hear here is that he can feel your heart not fully opened. I would say it is time to start practicing unzippering your heart.



  121.  #121Emerson on July 16, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    1332 Esteemed from other post
    I understand what you’re saying…and I used to say the same thing “I don’t want kids as a single Mom” but now I am rethinking it…I would like to have kids and I don’t know if I will meet anyone so why should I wait?? I know I can do it on my own…and when you foster, the agencies help you! I’m not trying to change your mind,,,but just FYI I’ve felt that way in the past and changed my mind.



  122.  #122Memulo on July 16, 2012 at 6:29 pm

    Yay Pamelala!

    Do you think he is right?



  123.  #123Memulo on July 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm

    I posted on the old thread that he called me back and he is still very busy settling down, the boy got sick over the weekend, couldn’t sleep and we are celebrating his bday tomorrow, with the boy.

    Thank you so much for everyone’s support and patience;)



  124.  #124Memulo on July 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    Starla, will you go out with CL again?

    I found that chemistry develops itself. Sometimes you don’t even know what you want, but the more time you spend with the person the more attractive they become. I decided to be open in that area, as my preference sometimes is nothing else than a habit.



  125.  #125Pamelala on July 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm

    FW and Memulo,

    Yes, you’re right! I think I was defending my unzippered heart by saying it’s too soon, but I have the same feelings toward him and I have some fear that needs to be healed in order to say it.

    Hmm, I’m going to do some tapping about that tonight.

    I love this blog and all the sirens. Though I can’t spend too much time here, I still feel cared for every time I come. <3



  126.  #126Starla on July 16, 2012 at 6:53 pm

    Memulo, yes, I will definitely go out with him again. His personality so far is great. I am just not attracted to him.

    The way he talks to me has shifted now — i can see him trying harder to impress me and prove that he is a good guy and my type. i feel triggered/turned off by it, but i am trying to just own my trigger and take it as a good sign that he wants me to like him. I do the same thing with guys i really want to like me.



  127.  #127Daria on July 16, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    i fuchked up <- judgement

    i let my friend put me in a bad position w a guy

    and cuz i wanted to be generous to my friend i abandoned myself

    or amybe i wanted to prove to me and am now feeling the doubt

    of my man not being suportive of my generosity

    and i feel bad

    and i feel unworthy

    and i love me

    and i feel icky



  128.  #128Starla on July 16, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    however, he started the day saying in email he was definitely going to call me tonight to plan our next date, and he’s emailed and texted me all day, and is even texting me now, but no call as “definitely” promised. kind of annoying.



  129.  #129Memulo on July 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    Starla, he is prob just happy you’re texting back, maybe doesn’t want to overdo it by calling too 😉



  130.  #130Starla on July 16, 2012 at 7:01 pm

    I think it’s time to make a dating profile for POF. I feel excited to do this when I feel more inspired to sit down and make it:)



  131.  #131Memulo on July 16, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Do it in Japanese ;P



  132.  #132Starla on July 16, 2012 at 7:17 pm

    hahahaha omg memulo that’s cute



  133.  #133Starla on July 16, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    awww and this really fly guy i met when i worked for the campaign just emailed me to tell me i have inspired him to get back into the gym. awww, i haven’t talked to him in forever. i feel so happy to be contagious!! hehe yay health contagion!



  134.  #134lk on July 16, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    i’m goin’ cr8zy… i deeply apologize for abuse of this forum, but i can’t read other humans right now

    that’s so melodramatic & i’m judging myself for it, like ” ok, you silly girl human, you just feel that way right this second”

    i’m wearing a white t shirt & white underwear & i have a heavy blanket made by my great grandma (she dug the fabric out of a dumpster, so the fabric is scarred along a strip where the final yardage was secured with glue along the narrow edge of the cardboard spool)

    i told cd just now about my doll i had when i was little. she was a big madame alexander doll that my great uncle dug out of a dumpster. i told him my mother had a great shame in the fact that our family were “dumpster-divers”…….. i don’t know what to say …… those are my favorite things…… i love attics, basements, thrift stores….. back seats, trunks, give-aways, “trash”….. i don’t hoard goods, but man, i love a deal….. i love free shxt. i want it all for free. i just want to give it all away & have it all – that’s what i want !

    i love my desire to have everything & feel that everything is easy & slow : )

    i really really really love my “boyfriend”…. idk what else to call him…… to him, i say “partner”….. we’re “in it”…. : ) i feel happy : ) & i feel good….

    i’m feeling concerned recently about some random bxllshxt but i give myself a lot of space to “worry” about whatever. seriously, you’re “allowed” – i officially give you TOTAL permission to do whatever the fxck you want – seriously: i have TOTAL permission to do whatever the fxck i want – that is SO REAL

    i love my boyfriend bc i am seriously like an academic genius lol I KNOW that doesn’t mean anything. but i like talking “in that way” – that’s my native vocabulary – i didn’t have siblings, i just had a lot of time on my hands & a lot of books. i was remembering the other day hiding under my dad’s table at work when he had a meeting & i was like 8 at the most, reading king lear. i had already read hamlet & macbeth. i just like that stuff. so i like having someone in my living room who ISN’T that lame guy just quoting the text in your freshman seminar…….. he is the really hot stxner kid who shows up late but always asks the most poignant questions & has ridiculous comments when the teacher surprise-calls on him during class, amiright ? am i doing this right yet ?

    jeez. i felt so cool when napoleon dynamite came out, like “omg, now everyone is going to ‘get’ me” lol… that’s actually true that a lot of people started thinking i was quirky-cool instead of leper-nerdy….. OMG I GET SO ASHAMED thinking of waking up super early in the morning in 9th grade to do my hair in rubber bands… like fish-netting ? does anyone remember that ? it was only cool from like 1999-2006 MAX. like, i gave that a really generous range – just in case we have any slow-movers or trend-setters in our midst. i myself know i can be super early & super late on trends. examples ? i showed up like 2 years late on the “overalls” trend (yeah, i know – they weren’t cool in middle school. i did notice that….. after like 2.5 years….) & OK i get that we are not all caught up on the fact that “harem pants” are sexy & animal print is cool…..

    anywayz. what i’m trying to say is i feel at home, at home. & other places…. i don’t feel so “heard”….

    right now, i’m thinking about my “work” – my “job” ……… hmm & feeling really really really good about it : )))) i love what’s “now” & i love what’s “coming”

    we were just talking about what i wear… & …. idk. cd was saying all the nice things i want to hear. that it’s not about what i wear, it’s that he can tell i’m doing something that is “for us” & he appreciates me doing something that makes me feel sexy…. & that it makes him all like-that too : ))

    i feel all tender in this relationship… it’s so terrifying & raw….. because i’m so so exposed. seriously like raw meat. the word “flayed” is what comes to mind. omg that’s so scary. i love my fear… i feel so….. well, it just feel flipping dramatic to “do” this or anything… that’s right, baby girl ! you actually don’t have to do anything : ))) easy does it nice job slow & lean back & that’s how it is good : ) omg the sun & the plants & the growth i almost forgot how amazed & purified i feel when i think of that & am there right there with the smell of the dirt…. omg i love this planet & the whole astronomy & every human : )))

    & what else ? something else…. that i felt like i got a “big understanding” with today………….. OH YEAH, cd was like, “well i prayed a lot for you & you are pretty much exactly what i prayed for, minus a few odds & ends” & i got a tiny bit defensive lol but i let him know & he was saying, “i thank god for you every day – if that wasn’t clear – that was what i’m saying” & i said a bit later to him, “oh yeah, you’re exactly what i prayed for…… but i wasn’t very specific” LOL omg i kill myself… i am seriously a joy to be around & as cool & fashionable as betsey johnson & as nice as anyone, & as pretty as …… idk, there are a million beautiful humans…. actually, i’ve never seen a non-beautiful human, except angry humans…. i looked at myself in the mirror today after triggering myself into anger & definitely i judged myself as “ugly” – my mama used to say, don’t be ugly (& that’s what it meant – don’t be upset) so i used to go alone into a closet or a dark room & beat myself. i don’t know why. that’s just “what is” – be born into a white affluent no-spanking household & go into hiding to beat yourself. i was valedictorian k-8th grade & then top of my class in high school, then honors at an ivy league college. shame yourself. haze yourself. beat yourself.

    awww & no hate either. it’s not “all like that” – i’m a statistical anomaly. i’m not “real life” HELP i’m so bad & someone is going to write me hate-mail for being so “i’m buffy the vampire slayer” blonde-bxtch on your axx… UMMMMMMMMMMMMMM but that’s not real, i don’t care about that & it doesn’t affect my personal reality at all.

    i’m just me, it’s monday, i have to work hard tomorrow for a company that under-values me ( & tells me, via it’s fiscal approximation of my value, that i am not worthy to reproduce……….ANGRY HUMANNNNNNN!!!!!!!!)

    (((hugs))) i forgive your anger. thank you for being all chill & cool about it – no hxte : ) i seriously enjoy being this slow & patient…… i love my life for never ever ever ever ever “throwing X under the bus” because i never have to . (((((SELF))))) awesome. that is cool. i never rat on people. i even would ALWAYS share my notes with anyone who didn’t study or didn’t do the homework & i always helped anyone who asked, whenever, because i love to connect with humans & i love to help….

    HUMANS help me out & thank you : ) i feel so grateful in advance for the amazing job i’m going to have where i make a hundred billion dollars & am a total genius & never ever fxck it up & make a ton of friends & no one ever “comes onto” me & i feel awesome & not de-sexualized & really feminine, but still really powerful& seen & i’m so happy & so loving & have so much energy & get to write a bunch & my parents are like “omg you’re so cool now” & i’m like “yeah : ) “



  135.  #135Starla on July 16, 2012 at 7:24 pm

    lol, cl is texting me telling me he’s at the bar with his buddy and wants to show everyone a picture of me, asked me to send one.

    lol.

    i said no way.



  136.  #136Starla on July 16, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    lk it’s not abuse, it’s what it’s for. i apologize for talking for everyone, but we love you and we like your posting here



  137.  #137bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    also, i just want to submit a little bit about “thank-you” little girl for not stressing & enjoying : )

    amazing

    amazing food is being served so i gotta go



  138.  #138bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    omg & feeling disturbed there is no wikipedia entry for “the very quiet cricket” by eric carle which is arguably the best children’s story ever.

    & also my neighbor is starting a children’s dance studio & that’s cool



  139.  #139Starla on July 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    haha you should author the wiki article for it.



  140.  #140Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 8:01 pm

    RG,

    1446 from https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/when-you-have-to-leave-him-behind/comment-page-29/#comment-229170 – “That went pretty well. I also wonder if stopping after he apologized would have been good, but I think your continuation went well, so don’t worry about it. See what happens now.”

    I agree, I wish I had stopped then. And would you believe even now, a day later, I am absolutely fighting myself to not continue texting him.

    I think right now it is totally important to just lay off, to be in a position of “I can take you or leave you”, and it is so hard for me.



  141.  #141Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 8:08 pm

    Jasmine,

    1450-1451 – Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback. What you say is completely sound. Now the question is…can I do it? Do I want to back away completely?

    I will have a few days to clear my mind…I will process it.



  142.  #142Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    Memulo,

    1455 – Yay! I feel happy for you!



  143.  #143Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 8:13 pm

    Emerson,

    121 – Thanks! I seriously considered having kids as a single mom more than once, but I decided it’s not for me for now. I sure love kids, tho!



  144.  #144Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm

    Ruth,

    26 – Thank you so much!



  145.  #145Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    RG,

    6 – Thanks for your feedback. Each thing I read from you all helps me be more objective.

    I think where I am at tonight is that when he started writing extremely intimate things about sex in the last two weeks, I knew what I was doing.

    I knew I was playing with fire, because I knew we were at a friendship level. My reasoning was ok I don’t know R’s’ feelings, but I know I’m in love with him, and I would love to talk over these intimate things with the man who I love most in the world.

    It is a risk I took. So I don’t feel surprised. And I am still not sure I want to walk away. It’s fun.

    I mean the pain I am feeling is more from just my overall situation of singleness that goes on and on. And from the pain of 3 years ago with the misunderstood proposal being resurrected.

    Again, I will spend some time processing while he is at the shore. Thanks again for everyone’s input.



  146.  #146Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 8:50 pm

    Siren Song,

    112 – “Ew. I feel super-mad at myself for letting a man scream at me for years. I love my anger”

    I would give compassion to my weak parts. I have struggled with similar feelings.



  147.  #147bloom-ing on July 16, 2012 at 8:51 pm

    (((starla))) thank you : )



  148.  #148Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    I feel so relaxed after a 4.5 hour nap! I never intended to sleep that long, and I feel bad I slept thru Rori’s class. But anyway I feel rested and that’s a good feeling.

    I don’t trust myself to not contact R. I guess that’s what it comes down to. I don’t WANT him out of my life. I want him IN my life. Anyway, I will get in touch with my heart of hearts and reread all your comments to me and decide from there.

    All I have to do for right now and not contact him.



  149.  #149Emoticon on July 16, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    I love my life



  150.  #150siren song on July 16, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Yeah, I do love my weak parts.



  151.  #151Brandylion on July 16, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    I’m going to call the cute guy from my class who is so nice Jay.

    Three men (Jay and two of my research partners, whom we’ll call Des and Mer) and I went out to eat Friday night, and my total with tax and tip was $21. I had two 20s. Jay picked up my extra dollar so I wouldn’t have to break my other 20. Des had kind of intimated he’d cover it, but Jay made it explicit, and I thanked him and smiled.

    We decided over dinner to come back to Des’s apartment to play euchre, but we didn’t have any cards. So we drove to a store on our way back from dinner, and Starship’s “Nothing’s Going To Stop Us Now” was on the radio. I sang along, the only one, but I heard Jay humming along in the back seat. I, at least, felt a little connected. 🙂

    Of the four of us, Jay had the least experience playing euchre, Mer had the next most, and Des and I were equally matched. I felt bummed that Mer and Jay had sat down across from each other as we were getting things around for the game, but then Des pointed out that it wouldn’t be fair for the two of us to play the two of them, so I ended up being Jay’s partner without having to engineer it!

    We got off to a rocky start, but won the first game. We got off to a better start in the second, but ended up losing. We all had fun playing, though, and Jay was a very solid partner for having played only 3 or 4 times before.

    On the walk back from Des’s apartment to where the other three of us are staying, Mer and I (who were here last summer) compared our housing for this summer to that from last summer. I said that one plus for this summer is that the pool is being kept up, unlike the place last summer where it was clean enough to swim in maybe one week of the whole summer. Jay asked if I’d been the current pool much, and I said just once, and he said that was true for him too.

    Now, what you all don’t know is that I saw him that day a couple of weeks ago from my apartment window, and I watched him swim because I was hoping to see him shirtless *grin*. He saw me and waved, and I waved back, but felt so embarrassed at getting caught I walked away from the window, and when I came back, he was out of the pool with a towel around his neck.

    So, back to Friday night. He said that he saw me and waved because I looked like a sad person, up in my room working. Awwwww. 🙂 I wish I’d come up with a good FM in that moment!



  152.  #152Esteemed on July 16, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    With R, I decided to let it go. I initiated texting, and we are deep in a normal conversation texting.



  153.  #153Brandylion on July 16, 2012 at 11:39 pm

    On Sunday, the four of us (Des, Mer, Jay, and I) went to the house of a local teacher for a BBQ. Jay and I were the only two of our group, at least, that had swimming gear. Other people who came swam too, though, so that felt fun. Especially once we were in the pool, Jay and I had some light banter and gentle teasing each other.

    And, we watched ants! We were all hanging out in the shallow end of the pool, and he and I were up against the wall. At some point I turned and noticed some small ants on the concrete ledge and I started watching them. Within a minute, he asked if that’s what I was doing and joined me. I didn’t pay attention to him at all, and just focused on the ants, so I was surprised when he said that water confuses them a lot and he showed me that he’s splashed some water on the ledge and they wouldn’t go through it. I splashed some more water a foot away or so, and sure enough they wouldn’t cross it. He said that maybe the water covered up the pheromone trail or something. I saw two others elsewhere that passed each other and hesitated very briefly, and I told him about it and that I wondered what they’d said.

    And then I noticed TONS of these teeny, teeny, tiny bugs on the concrete, and I said, “Oh Jay! Look!” and we watched the little ones too. I told him that this feels really fun. I forgot to make eye contact, though.

    Shortly after we got back to our apartments (which are actually dorm housing), there was an ice cream social in the main building. I met Jay and Mer there. I was ahead of them in line for the ice cream and perched myself against the back of a low couch once I had mine, and Jay came and sat beside me when he was through the line. Mer sat on the other side of him. Jay and I made fun of the movie that was on because it was bad and not all that funny.

    I feel a little frustrated that I can’t tell if this guy is actually interested in me a little or not. He certainly isn’t pursuing me in any way; he just does nice little things for me once in a while and we apparently enjoy each other’s company. I haven’t been a super-forward flirt; the best I’ve done in that department was telling him, when Des said he’d buy Jay a drink for reading our paper, that the best he’d get from me is batted eyelashes. He shrugged. He does seem shy.

    Oh, and he is single. Des confirmed that Friday when we were talking about being done with our research project on Friday and then only having two weeks left; Jay said excitedly that he gets to go home soon, and Des asked if he had anyone waiting for him at home. He said just his students (again, awwwww!). And then Des said that the four of us are all in that boat.

    Hmm. I totally feel open to a summer romance, even with only 2.5 weeks left (gah! it’s ending so soon!). I would feel awkward making a move, for sure. I do have a good FM planned, in case an opportunity arises, about noticing that I’m feeling really attracted to him and that I feel good with him. I know we’re going out in a big group after our research presentation Friday, and I feel uncertain if I should use it.



  154.  #154Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:03 am

    Brandylion, yay to summer romance!!
    You could lean forward as an experiment but only if you don’t expect anything which, I guess is not the case here??
    Just trying to help you make the best use of the 2.5 weeks 😉



  155.  #155Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:15 am

    Hi everyone!!
    Woke up after a nightmare, had to think of Starla.
    It was about two cowboys/Marlboro men, who were trying to kill me..and then they were eaten by Monsters (the short version).
    I woke up feeling extremely anxious and had to remind myself that it was a dream.
    I feel better than yesterday and am worried that all my good work from last week will be undone though.
    I haven’t got time to do any more reading and exercises around my issues because I am still trying to set up a business venture and also having to go to this programme from the government here for jobseekers which is a total waste of my time as it is aimed at illiterate people and those with no qualifications…
    I have not lived here for nearly 20 years and had to come back home, where I had to face all my demons, after losing my US job/visa. I left this country very young and spent almost 2 decades in the UK which I loved, now I wonder whether I ran away from my issues…coming back here, I feel like a child again, I have to live with my father who is less than impressed by the situation, but he is stepping up and at last taking care of me a little by letting me stay here, after 28 years of ignoring my existence more or less.
    I was in an emergency situation when I came a couple of months ago and he said ‘well, I hope this is not permanent because your stepmother uses the room you are occupying to iron and it’s all a bit cramped’ – I felt terrible, it felt like just another rejection and I had to tell him that I had nowhere to go after I had lost everything. He then started being a little nicer, he is a good man in disguise really, just clueless.
    All this contributes to making me feel totally out of kilter and I am projecting all my wishes and needs onto wanting to be in Florida, and onto MrU, and that is what I want to stop.
    If I don’t want to go mad here, I need to live in the moment more and relax and accept.
    No man can make me feel better about myself and no achievement, job or anything else can fill the void for long enough.
    I want to be free of externals pushing me off course, I want to be able to rest in myself. I have a loooong way to go. Maybe I need to find professional help at some point.
    I feel anxious.
    Thank you ladies for having been there for me, you are all so lovely.
    Now I am trying to turn anxious into cheerful and relaxed for the day, let’s see…..
    Love to you all!
    xx



  156.  #156ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:31 am

    Morning ladies

    Sleep is a great healer.
    Wow, tam, you have a lot of external pressures!

    Can someone tell me how the teleclass works?



  157.  #157Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:34 am

    Morning Ruth!!
    I have no idea how the teleclass works, just wanted to say ‘hi’!!



  158.  #158Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 12:37 am

    Well–This is going to be an awful birthday. HS is continuing to sneak, and not say a thing to me, acting like all is normal. I told him I was going to leave to AU in October never to return. He never mentioned what’s her name, said he loved me but wasn’t in love with me, then admitted that wasn’t the whole truth. That when the switch comes on he is in love with me, that he had pulled me back 3 times after I had LEFT.
    He was supposed to keep anything/anyone that might upset me out of my face for the two months it would take me to get to AU. But I know he’s still chasing. And now, on my birthday eve, I find that he is planning to take this person to the Caribbean, knowing how much I’ve always wanted to go, and after torturing me about money for 5 years. He doesn’t know I know. I gave him a chance to say earlier today. This woman JUST broke up with the guy who rents a trailer space in back of our house. I mentioned to him that I didn’t want any of Doug’s friends at our summer party, especially not Jeanette because she had been rude to me (true!) he didn’t bat an eyelash. Still lying…
    Sooo-on the eve of my stinkin’ birthday here is the plan: my friend Julia wants me to rent her cottage for the same as it costs to live here. She thinks my online biz needs stability, and that I need stability, and she doesn’t want me to go to AU. Her husband is the one who thought this up, and he doesn’t like ANYONE!
    And it is clear that even staying till the party will be painful. I need out and soon.
    But I don’t want to discuss this with HS at ALL, and I don’t want him to have closure.
    I am going to take all my less used items out and put them in storage this week. I will put empty boxes in there places so as not to raise suspicions. Then, the day after the party, while he is out, I plan on getting EVERY LAST STICK and moving it all. Leave the keys on the table and disappear like a magician. He won’t even know where I am. And no one will tell him. 11 days.
    It feels a little better to think about this, but I am raw right now.
    I HATE THIS S^&t!!!



  159.  #159Daria on July 17, 2012 at 12:43 am

    I’m feeling all bamboozy in the head

    i feel so ‘weak’ and unworthy

    like ive been fooled and used and spat on, and everyone laughs at me behind my back and i feel …

    alone with my defenses huge up…



  160.  #160Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:47 am

    Wow, Miss Bells..you have guts!



  161.  #161ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:52 am

    Miss bells, you go Girl!

    Hi Tam

    ((((((((((((Daria))))))))



  162.  #162ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:57 am

    Ive been reading back in old blogs, and the question(sometimes accusation) of “self obsessed” crops up a bit.
    Isnt that the *point *of this blog?
    If it is an on line journal where we explore our feelings, then yeah it *is* going to be self referential.
    Nothing wrong with that at all in my book
    it might be the only place some of the ladies can think about themselves for a change,often isnt time in the outside world!

    Mind you, there is an awesome amount of support on here as well that i can see

    Rambling now, better get back to said outside world and be nice to people
    🙂



  163.  #163Daria on July 17, 2012 at 1:00 am

    thanks ruth



  164.  #164Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 1:12 am

    Ruth

    I think that is such a good point. No-one, in my opinion should repress their feelings good or bad. I thought the point of this blog is to confront patterns that aren’t working in your life with love and support. This is what I feel.

    I know I post a lot of negative things but they are the things that are stuck deep inside me that I need to come to terms with.

    Not sure if this makes sense..



  165.  #165Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 1:13 am

    Thank you… I feel so messed up. Happy Birthday. And I have to “act normal”
    I invited MY oldest and most loyal friends to dinner. They are not to let on to him.

    I have moved out 3 times in 5 years. There was never a 3rd party. That is an absolute deal-breaker for me.

    Just so you know why I am going to such lengths, and the subterfuge. If talking meant anything in this case I would do it, but it doesn’t.

    “Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right”

    It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
    It don’t matter, anyhow
    And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
    If you don’t know by now
    When your rooster crows at the breaks of dawn
    Look out your window and I’ll be gone
    You’re the reason I’m traveling on
    Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    It ain’t no use in turning on your light, babe
    That light I never knowed
    And it ain’t no use in turning on your light, babe
    I’m on the dark side of the road
    But I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
    To try and make me change my mind and stay
    We never did too much talking anyway
    So don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    It ain’t no use in calling out my name, gal
    Like you never done before
    It ain’t no use in calling out my name, gal
    I can’t hear you any more
    I’m a-thinking and a-wond’rin’ walking down the road
    I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
    I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
    Don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    So long honey, babe
    Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
    Goodbye’s too good a word, babe
    So I’ll just say fare thee well
    I ain’t saying you treated me unkind
    You could have done better but I don’t mind
    You just kinda wasted my precious time
    But don’t think twice, it’s all right.

    Bob Dylan



  166.  #166ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:16 am

    yes, absolutely Rebecca

    this is a safe place to express feelings, good or bad



  167.  #167Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:16 am

    So I also noticed an interesting shift…just being aware. It may just be coincidence, but I don’t feel pursued by MrU anymore. I had been holding off, trying to quit contact..and he was in my face, I used to leave days before I answered anything from him, and he would write or text back within the half hour.
    Now, he leaves days and I write back within 3-4 hours (not planned, I just noticed)….and he goes silent. I noticed how the roles, although I am not initiating, have reversed.
    This is interesting, as it may project how I feel about myself in the last few days and there might be a vibe from me that is a little needy.
    OR it may also reflect that my opening up more, in fact, although fascinating clearly, is not something overly attractive for a guy who is fighting the same unavailability issues as me (I can say it because he said so himself).
    So this is very interesting. I need to get back into Sireny mode, not care, not answer right away..and the challenge will be not to make it ‘game playing’ because that is exactly what I am trying to avoid…



  168.  #168Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 1:17 am

    I do realize it might take him a while to feel it, but he will.
    Once I’m out of here I will regain my strength.
    But he, in his complacency, won’t know what hit him when it hits him…



  169.  #169Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 1:19 am

    Morning sirens

    I had some full on dreams last night as well…

    I woke up this morning feeling rejected. And sad because I am feeling rejected… And then I felt panicky like ‘why me?’ why am I always a failure… Then I tried to remember that is exactly the stuff that I am trying to work on here, and to minimise my dramatic feelings.. I can feel myself burning up into a hot sweat just thinking about it… My back feels rigid and stiff, the skin on my face feels tight and dry… I feel exhausted from worry… I’m going to lwt these feelings ride for a bit, sit with them, feel the anxiety loosen… It’s a new day… Relax.,



  170.  #170ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:19 am

    Just to clarify, I think I was feeling a bit triggered by some quite aggressive posts on the older blogs, you know, the one off ones slating women.

    I am still glad i read back, because I found some other excellent ideas along the way.



  171.  #171ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:26 am

    did we all eat cheese last night?

    My dreams were all about feeling threatened .people trying to kidnap me and so on.Ugh.Woke upm in a cold sweat and had to check the door was locked



  172.  #172Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:26 am

    Rebecca, you are really shifting!!!! Wow. I am trying to do the same and I struggle struggle – but it’s good work.
    Keep at it 🙂



  173.  #173Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 1:27 am

    I know why I can’t sleep…



  174.  #174ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:29 am

    Not surprised Miss bells

    keep counting down the days

    Rebecca, do you do any Yoga or meditation?
    I guess it could help



  175.  #175Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 1:33 am

    One reason I don’t want any discussion is that part of his justification process involves putting me down. I am afraid that whatever comes out of his mouth will make me want to hurt him–physically.
    I am 5 feet tall and don’t roll that way–but that is my feeling.



  176.  #176Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:48 am

    Ah, I am having trouble finding the love for myself within me today.
    Just occasionally it would feel good to get a great big hug from someone and being told ‘it will all be ok, there, there’. But I was looking in the wrong places for it. Now that I turned my back on those wrong places, I feel the void and finding it hard to replenish it with something from inside of me. As I look inside me, I find a lot of emptiness and just a little flame.
    Off to find some wood to nurish it but where to find?



  177.  #177Daria on July 17, 2012 at 2:51 am

    Tam – i found giving myself big hugs with strong arms and melting into my arms … after doing it repeatedly has started to feel fulfilling and healing



  178.  #178Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:57 am

    Wow, and I keep getting all these triggers thrown at me today, a reminder of a little debt I need sorting out. My former place of work in the UK choosing a colleague over me (she used to moan a lot but I would draw attention to issues, where she would moan behind the bosses back and smile to his face). I feel sad but try to see it like this ‘why would I want to go backwards’?
    Deep down I feel the pangs of rejection (I am not good enough, not hard-working enough etc). Another challenging day…



  179.  #179Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:59 am

    Daria, thank you, I will try this!



  180.  #180Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 3:03 am

    Ruth

    Yes, I was doing yoga but haven’t for a while. Need to find a local class..



  181.  #181Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 3:10 am

    Tam

    I feel curious, have you tried opening up to MrU about how you feel about him? Does he know you have deeper feelings than friendship?



  182.  #182Tam on July 17, 2012 at 3:11 am

    Trigger bombardement…just went on POF and Mr U’s profile popped up, he is online there at 6am his time. Trigger. Thank you trigger for coming to me and making me more resolved that I want a man who contacts me rather than looking for other women. Thank you for showing me that he can do what he wants because he is not mine. Thank you trigger for upsetting me so that I can get off the rollercoaster.



  183.  #183Tam on July 17, 2012 at 3:20 am

    Rebecca, I have mentioned that I have romantic feelings for him – that’s about as far as it went, when he tried to downgrade our relationship as platonic (which he can’t keep up, btw, the platonicness). No reaction from
    him other than what I sensed was withdrawal, and when I said that I don’t want to be just friends with someone I have feelings for, he jumped to action – I wish he hadn’t as it was just feeding hopes.



  184.  #184Tam on July 17, 2012 at 3:26 am

    Actually, he didn’t withdraw when I told him about the feelings, he just carried on as usual.
    I once many month ago, broke off contact for the same reason. It seems nothing changed. As long as I keep myself available, it won’t. I suspect I will only find out what he is made of if I truly and genuinely disappear and move on but I want to give it a little time yet.



  185.  #185Tam on July 17, 2012 at 3:29 am

    I mean, I am moving on but don’t want to close him out of my life just yet, trying to see if I can treat him as a CD.
    So I better stop talking and thinking about him!!! Off to do some work..



  186.  #186Annie on July 17, 2012 at 4:13 am

    What is the best most mature and heartfelt way to handle a situation where your man is going to social events without you then?

    Would it be to share that you feel hurt and left out and respect that if this is what he wants to do then do it, but you don’t want to continue to be in a relationship with a man who want to do that as he is the wrong man for you?

    It just doesn’t work for you.

    Or a stag night where you are married but your man wants to go to lap dancing club with the guys for instance.

    I would not ever be able to tolerate that. I would feel sick to my stomach.

    I wouldn’t even be able to tolerate him having any female friends if I am in a committed relationship with him unless they are our joint friends as a couple.

    I would not want him to be going to parties social events without me.

    And I would not want to go without him, unless I was at the stage that he was not giving me the attention affection etc that I wanted and needed so was doing this for me to CD and take care of my own needs not to punish him.



  187.  #187Annie on July 17, 2012 at 4:29 am

    Re inner bonding.

    I do feel hurt and have some expectations don’t we all.

    I expect and want my husband, inlaws parents etc to send a card pressie on my Birthday or my childrens. I do not expext this from friends aunts uncles etc.

    It hurts when they do not.
    I don’t want to tolerate those kinds of things.

    Of course a child is going to be upset if there grandparents don#t acknowledge their Birthday and I am going to feel sad for my child.

    What is the best way to handle this and take care of my own and my childs feelings in these kinds of situations?

    To me it is that I feel we are better of without these kind of relatives and partners in our lives as it feels uncaring to me and my children. And I have no control on if they care about us or not. I care.



  188.  #188Memulo on July 17, 2012 at 4:41 am

    Thank you Esteemed.

    I feel a bit frustrated today – I had to wrap up a conversation yesterday when he called because of work and he said he’d call me again with the details for tonight. He did not and seemed to be so occupied with his stuff. I didn’t think twice to text him before I went to sleep to say – ‘hey, details?’ No response. I will probably not contact him today at all before I hear from him. He knows I care already.



  189.  #189Memulo on July 17, 2012 at 4:43 am

    Tam,

    I guess if you disappear after you express what you want to him and your needs are not met, he can consider to make changes on his side. But if you just disappear, he may think you found someone, don’t want him enough, etc. He may not necessarily run after you to ask what happened.



  190.  #190Tam on July 17, 2012 at 4:53 am

    Memulo..thank you 🙂
    I have told him my needs, but sometimes I wonder whether it has gone in…he is super intelligent but has a habit of filtering out unwanted info…he calls it ‘hard-headedness’ – only hears what he wants to hear 😉
    I can’t say the same thing again and again….
    Oh yea, he has insecurities that I find someone, have someone etc – all the time – but instead of it pushing him on to ‘claim’ me, he usually just withdraws and has these ‘I am not good enough’ moans…followed by ‘stepping up’ once he realises that I would rather spend time with him. He needs a lot of patting on the head sometimes. Hm.



  191.  #191Tam on July 17, 2012 at 4:58 am

    …but he did say ‘we want different things’ as I explained to him that I want a committed relationship (not necessarily with him, I just put it out there). One week he said he wanted a relationship with me, and as it started becoming real all of a sudden he wanted something different…that’s when I lost patience and ‘throw the baby out with the bathwater’.
    To be honest, the day he said he wanted a relationship with me, he seemed panicked as I had just told him I was about to get married….so maybe I took him too literally 😉
    but we as good as had the relationship, without giving it a label. Being a girl, I want a label 😉
    I want a man to say to me and the world: ‘that is my girlfriend’.
    And not: ‘this is my ummmmm….ermmm…friend Tam’ (which is what he used to do)…pff!!



  192.  #192Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:05 am

    ..the more I grow, the more I realise that being friends, although he is one of my best friends in the whole wide world, is probably not an option.
    However, I am trying to see if I can just reduce his importance by treating him as a CD, and if that doesn’t work (I give it a month), I will probably have to just let him go…that also means I can’t come back to Florida sooner, but you know, I’d rather be true to my heart than having it pulled apart because of two months impatience.



  193.  #193Daria on July 17, 2012 at 5:06 am

    this guy told me im in the top 3 on pof lol… he said i dont even care if u like me, i just had to tell u that

    lol 🙂 aww i feel good



  194.  #194Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:07 am

    Memulo..it seems to me your guys head is so full of ‘stuff’, he might just need time, space etc.
    Can you date some men and take the expectation out of it all?



  195.  #195Memulo on July 17, 2012 at 5:09 am

    Yes Tam, I seem to be in a similar situation. No label. Though I did not express my needs in a while, let it naturally unfold. The same way as CurvySiren did it sounds like.



  196.  #196Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:15 am

    and I believe there has to be some natural unfolding, but at some point I feel better when things get clearer. And I have the experience that men who know what they want will tell you. By that I mean, I have made the experience that a man who wants you will ‘seal the deal’. But of course, we all have issues too and coming from a breakup or divorce, it is natural to be insecure and wanting to stay free..the same for men who are scared of committment because they have fear of engulfment or rejection. I can understand that because I have also often felt that way.
    However, I still believe eventually if they want you they will show it. I do not believe in waiting around for it, and I also don#t feel the ‘waiting around’ makes us in any way more attractive to them – ON THE CONTRARY.
    That#s why I keep my options open and always have done.



  197.  #197Memulo on July 17, 2012 at 5:16 am

    I will start with putting myself first. I will only respond to a phone call to ask me out. Texts I will ignore



  198.  #198Daria on July 17, 2012 at 5:17 am

    ooh i just got myself feeling scared

    i thjink i was pushing on someone

    i feel guilty

    and i forgot my tool of opening up my tense parts and leaning back

    now i feel icky and drained



  199.  #199Memulo on July 17, 2012 at 5:20 am

    Omg I am not even saying happy bday to him.. that feels terrible ;(



  200.  #200Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Memulo. Please, do say happy birthday to him if you want to, just don’t build up expectations. You care about him, tell him happy birthday – but then let it rest.
    How about that?



  201.  #201Starla on July 17, 2012 at 5:26 am

    I saw of the ladies had bad dreams. So did I. I dreamt of CF. He still didn’t want me.



  202.  #202bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 5:31 am

    i tried to go to yoga this morning, but i felt sick so i’m on the couch drinking kombucha & eating a banana. i did get to watch the sun rise & it felt lovely……. this fat burning peach of a sunrise, too…. yummy….



  203.  #203Memulo on July 17, 2012 at 5:32 am

    I called him yday in the morning to ask how he wants to celebrate his bday. He texted about an hour later that he will call me back soon and he did. When he called he was sharing all the troubles of his weekend and I got very sympathetic as usual. He said he wanted to take me on a beautiful trip for his bday and we laughed. Then said the boy will be there, but there’s a chance he will be there wednesday. Again, i felt very ‘included’ in his world. I had to go, so he said he’d call me to let me know the details, what day, etc. The rest I already posted.



  204.  #204Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:32 am

    (((Starla)))
    This reminds me of a dream I once had, many weeks ago. Now I laugh because it shows you also how much of a negative picture my subconscious was painting…I saw MrU in my dream coming out of a car, then a beautiful rally young girl also, and I asked him ‘what did you do?’ (but I knew the answer already). So he said with the meanest, smiliest face ever: ‘I fu(ked her’. I was speechless in my dream.
    It’s super funny because he would never speak like that in real life, he has a go at people swearing etc…dreams, eh.
    Remember they are just dreams….not reality necessarily…
    Love to you!!
    xxx



  205.  #205bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 5:33 am

    ((((((((Starla))))))))) that sounds like a pretty good dream, actually. for some reason it feels like a bear hug. wonder why i think that….



  206.  #206Starla on July 17, 2012 at 5:34 am

    ((((((((((((my brain)))))))))))))



  207.  #207Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:34 am

    Memulo, today is his birthday so I don’t get it, he invited you and is not following through now? Or still up in the air?
    Sorry, I am working at the same time (trying to..ahem), so it’s a bit confusing..



  208.  #208bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 5:39 am

    annie, 187

    this may sound really horrible, but i have trouble remembering gifts of all sorts. even if i purchase them & have them ready & wrapped, i’m likely to forget them at home. i don’t remember holidays or ever expect gifts or celebrations. none of that feels important to me, or very much like “love”…. ummm… feels more like “a corporate structure” – i don’t want to feel trapped. i love to give gifts. i give random gifts & get random gifts : ) i love to receive things & i love to give things……



  209.  #209ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Good Morning Sirens,

    Things have gotten really messy with Mr. Observant’s divorce…really messy. 🙁



  210.  #210Starla on July 17, 2012 at 5:40 am

    cf’s sister was there. she’s always there in my dreams about him for some reason. she’s indifferent to the whole thing — she supports whatever happens, basically, as long as i’m meeting his needs.

    mostly it’s just annoying



  211.  #211bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 5:42 am

    ((((((starla’s brain)))))



  212.  #212Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:43 am

    RG – aw…noooo 🙁
    Stay focused..on you!!



  213.  #213bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 5:44 am

    (((((((receiving girl)))))) (((((man))))) (((humans))))



  214.  #214ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 5:46 am

    I just have to say, all you ladies here should feel proud that you have never acted this way. Called over and over in the middle of the night until he answered his phone so she could b!tch him out and tell him all the things she’s going to do to him in court. I feel really judgmental of her. I always had the impression from others that she was a b!tch, but I think that is an understatement. She is not even considering her children, but she is pretending she is. This is going to be very long and very messy. I just don’t understand.



  215.  #215Starla on July 17, 2012 at 5:46 am

    thank you blkoom-ing:)
    eh *moves forward*
    shower time.



  216.  #216bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 5:47 am

    “you’re exactly where you should be”

    yummy i can handle that Belief : )

    i’m gonna go hum & stretch : )) hum hum hum yum yum yum good girl : ) you can do that : )



  217.  #217ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 5:48 am

    Thank you Tam & Bloom-ing

    I told him that I am trying to stay out of his business, but I feel she has proven to him that he cannot trust her and he should discuss with his lawyer how he can protect himself.



  218.  #218ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 5:50 am

    (((Starla)))

    Last night I dreamt Mr. Observant and I went to his wife’s house, I met his kids and she was sweet as pie to me.

    Then, the phone calls started up and now she’s messaging me.

    Talk about eerie.



  219.  #219bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 5:50 am

    ReceivingGirl… i’m not so sure. i’m pretty sure every man i’ve dated for years has gotten a real serious earful at some point during the break-up. & honestly, those resentments really build up, so when it’s at breaking point… it is SERIOUS, you know? i’d try to give her some slack….. like, just HEAR how much serious pain & anger she has about such a sad event…. i feel compassionate toward such a woman…. (((receiving girl)))



  220.  #220Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:54 am

    RG, can you stay out of their battle?



  221.  #221Tam on July 17, 2012 at 5:55 am

    RG, I have on occasion acted a little crazy, not like that but now I cringe. We learn a lot here



  222.  #222Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 5:58 am

    RG I agree with bloom-ing. Especially if he has kids. You could likely get painted as the other woman to kids. Who broke their relationship. True or false you just have to take care of you and allow her to go through her grief/denial/ranting whatever it is that is her process. There is no way you can build his attraction to you by being critical or judgemental of her.



  223.  #223Tam on July 17, 2012 at 6:04 am

    Oh Jeepers, I feel like little kiddy again, just had an email from MrU and really don’t want to read it (here we go again) as I am afraid it will say the Condo is not available and all sorts of stuff, and also that I will feel compelled to write back straight away and I do not want to.



  224.  #224Tam on July 17, 2012 at 6:06 am

    222 seconding that



  225.  #225Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 6:10 am

    Tam I would read it just to see if I get that compelling urge. And then sink into it.

    “SINKING IN feels like this: It feels like you just “give up.” You just give up on trying to hold back the feeling.

    Usually – when we stop holding back, all kinds of things happen – most often with results that aren’t what we wanted. It’s like a rubber band you’ve been pulling and pulling apart until it reaches maximum tension and then you let go and SNAP – it flies (and usually hits our man right in the face).

    So try this: instead of “letting go” and letting fly, hang onto yourself in a simple way – don’t DO anything – just give up trying to hold it back. This way, the “rubber band” just returns to its limp, graceful shape without a reaction that creates a whole new set of issues and moments and feelings for you to deal with.

    As you “go limp” and “give up” you’ll feel a whole bunch of things loosen in your body. Your shoulders will drop down, and what might have felt like an iron grip around your heart will lighten up a bit.”

    “Step 1 – You notice what’s happening.
    Step 2 – You do NOTHING
    Step 3 – You FEEL whatever feelings you’re feeling, give up trying to hold the feelings back, and sink into them – as though those feelings are your deepest friends (they are).”



  226.  #226Annie on July 17, 2012 at 6:13 am

    “annie, 187

    this may sound really horrible, but i have trouble remembering gifts of all sorts. even if i purchase them & have them ready & wrapped, i’m likely to forget them at home. i don’t remember holidays or ever expect gifts or celebrations. none of that feels important to me, or very much like “love”…. ummm… feels more like “a corporate structure” – i don’t want to feel trapped. i love to give gifts. i give random gifts & get random gifts : ) i love to receive things & i love to give things…”

    I understand and feel in agreement that we might forget when we are at home.

    I don’t want to forget my own childrens, partners parents etc.
    And I don’t want me or my children to be forgotten by their parents grandparents.

    Do you think corporate structure is a feeling?



  227.  #227Memulo on July 17, 2012 at 6:18 am

    Tam, yes this is correct. Invited and not following thru, even when I reminded last night



  228.  #228Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 6:18 am

    “Our emotions and experiences need to take a back seat to our innate, natural larger view of existence. And yet – we can’t get to this big, “spiritual” place where we feel connected to everyone and everything that exists anywhere until we’ve first discovered and made grand peace with our emotions.
    Love is where it’s at – and it starts within us.
    Loving yourself no matter what is a bigger idea than it sounds. Letting the icky stuff be heard and seen is what we’ve spent our lives and energy PREVENTING happening – and now I’m asking you to LET it happen!
    Step-by-step, we become who we really are – and the thing is – each step of the way, we have NO idea what the next step will look like!
    It’s easy to get so scared of the unknown next step that we hold ourselves in harness – and then get angry about the ropes and straps tying us down.”

    Love, Rori



  229.  #229Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 6:19 am

    Joann – you’d be insane not to wonder what he’s doing on the weekends. I’d say “you know –I like you very much and feel great with you, and I don’t really want to be exclusively involved with anyone I don’t see on the weekends…” And then go Circular Date and stop the exclusivity. PERIOD.

    Love, Rori



  230.  #230Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Rori, this makes so much sense…thank you! But how do you do any of that – especially the part about leaning back and communicating in feeling messages – if you and your man are not physically together in the first place? For instance you are temporarily in different countries, or even in the same area but he hasn’t come by to see you for some time. Really need your advice. Thanks!

    : Rori Raye says:
    Helena, Welcome, and you do it with your mind, your imagination, and getting on with your love life. You CANNOT be exclusive in this situation unless you’re married or engaged (I’m not even sure if I agree with this one…). You shift your “vibe” at the core level – where you’re getting your needs met, even though he’s not there. I truly believe this is something a man can pick up across “the ethers” – and across the world.

    Love, Rori



  231.  #231ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 6:21 am

    Bloom-ing, Tam, FW

    Thank you. I’m trying my best to stay out of their battle. I’ve just listened to him when he needs to vent. Last night, she went over the top with what she plans on doing. She is personally attacking him in every way she can come up with. This is a lot more than just voicing her feelings and resentments. She wants to hurt him.

    Their relationship issues have been going on for years prior to me. They were separated and going through divorce when I got in the picture. Before that, he had been sleeping on the couch for over a year. I am not breaking anything up, it was already over. She is the one who filed the papers. She told him she’s having someone move in.

    I’m 100% sure I will be painted that way, FW. I don’t plan on responding to whatever she wrote in her message. I know that would be trouble.



  232.  #232Tam on July 17, 2012 at 6:22 am

    FW, thank you sooooo much for that 🙂



  233.  #233Daria on July 17, 2012 at 6:22 am

    wow that feels scary to think how seriously some people take birthday cards and calls!

    i sometimes don’t make them and i feel terrified and guilty thinking that someone would think i don’t love them!

    my own family does call and i never felt forgotten

    it would feel horrible and so sad to feel forgotten and like i didnt matter

    i hope those people i dont’ call dont feel like that

    cuz i care a lot i really do

    hmmm

    it feels heartbreaking and also terrifiying

    i wonder what there is for me to heal?

    i feel so POWERLESS with others sometime…

    is that it?

    i feel ferociously rageful to think of people i care about feeilng sad and unimportant

    even tho for me i feel chill

    hmmm

    i feel confused

    i love my confusion

    i love my rage in there

    i love my defensiveness

    i dont want to be accused of not caring

    i dont want to feel unimportant

    i love me!

    this is not about me its about them!

    whew that feels relieving

    i feel sad again now

    and its ok

    yay me



  234.  #234ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 6:28 am

    On a separate note, before all this went down, Mr. Observant brought me flowers and a card, thanking me and telling me how special I am to him. I’ve never been given a card for no reason before. 🙂



  235.  #235Daria on July 17, 2012 at 6:31 am

    Receiving Girl – i feel disappointed you’re not Circular Dating… tieing myself to his guy would have me feeling really tense and unsafe… id feel way better to be on my bridge to happily ever after and see what men show up and if he can even do the job to take me there for me…

    he might be a nice guy… he might be able to lead me on my bridge… i dont want to put my life on hold or jump off my bridge to happy fulfilling relationship for a man, even if he’s getting dragged down himself …



  236.  #236Daria on July 17, 2012 at 6:32 am

    awww Receiving girl that does sound sweet! maybe this guy can do the job! hope to hear you’re circular dating soon so we can see if he can!



  237.  #237Annie on July 17, 2012 at 6:34 am

    Receiving girl.”I just have to say, all you ladies here should feel proud that you have never acted this way. Called over and over in the middle of the night until he answered his phone so she could b!tch him out and tell him all the things she’s going to do to him in court. I feel really judgmental of her. I always had the impression from others that she was a b!tch, but I think that is an understatement. She is not even considering her children, but she is pretending she is. This is going to be very long and very messy. I just don’t understand.”

    I feel triggered by this post.
    I feel icky.
    I feel sad reading the judgments.
    I feel understanding and compassion and empathy for this woman.



  238.  #238Daria on July 17, 2012 at 6:36 am

    ugh i feel all icky ‘advising’ what id do in the situation

    it feels confusing

    all id do is what im doing which is meeting many many men

    mmm the ‘ethers’ thing is so working

    now that my attitude is very much about being taken out men are so stepping up wow

    and im quick to end connections with who doesn’t, in a soft and love filled way….

    yay!!! 🙂

    and wow im getting great behavior and having new breakthroughs and just generally

    feeling fulfilled with men

    i was feeling icky about no second dates… and now im so not…

    im just feeling nice and lovely and its amazing how much more of what i want im getting!

    instead of icky and empty im actually feeling fulfilled now and that feels lovely

    my icky times are short lived (like most of yesterday) and

    what i want is even more body health yum

    and im doing EFT like everyday and i imiss it when i miss it and i feel excited to do it yay!

    i love me

    thank you Daria thank you 🙂



  239.  #239Daria on July 17, 2012 at 6:38 am

    sorry everyone who’ might feel judged by my words,

    Annie and Receiving Girl

    i don’t want to trigger you ladies to feel bad

    i feel scared that some of my communication was still kinda unconscious and it can feel bad

    oops

    guilt

    fear

    ((((Daria))))



  240.  #240Starla on July 17, 2012 at 6:42 am

    my trainer texted me this morning to tell me not to come in to our session and to take a well deserved break since he “murdered” me yesterday. wtf.. i don’t feel murdered. i haven’t taken a break in weeks, and i don’t want one, lol. i feel so weird.

    i am using this extra morning time now to gussy up all cute.



  241.  #241Daria on July 17, 2012 at 6:47 am

    I’m feeling triggered by quite a few blog situations.., I feel thoughts jumping up Abt my parents relationship

    I’m feeling sleepy

    I have a luch date tomorrow and I feel worried I’ll sleep through it hehe 🙂



  242.  #242Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 6:48 am

    RG

    No, I have definately acted badly in the past. Partly why I am here is to help with my own anger.

    I wish I could say something different. I got into a messy on off relationship and I could only handle it by lashing out.



  243.  #243Daria on July 17, 2012 at 6:49 am

    I feel tired

    I live my tired feeling

    I feel defeated ‘mm wat does that feel like I feel powerless hopeless. I love my feeling 🙂



  244.  #244Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 6:50 am

    Receiving Girl if it were me and I choose to respond to her I believe I would say “I pray that you find peace and happiness”. Don’t know if this would apply to her but sometimes people keep “talking” until they feel heard. If they feel ignored they keep going. Though I do wonder how she got your number.



  245.  #245Annie on July 17, 2012 at 6:50 am

    I don’t feel judged or triggered by your words Daria.



  246.  #246ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 6:52 am

    (((Daria)))

    Thank you. Honestly, I expected to be judged a little. I don’t mind it though. If there was any chance for a reconciliation in his marriage, I would never have accepted a date. I don’t feel bad about dating him.

    I don’t have it in me to date more than one man at a time. I never have. It feels icky to me. I CD in other ways, with myself and with other men, just not as dates.

    His divorce could have been finalized in a month, but now it won’t be that quick.



  247.  #247Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 6:52 am

    Annie, RG, Daria

    I feel triggered, but it feels good. That’s why I’m here to work through this stuff hopefully



  248.  #248ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 6:55 am

    (((Annie)))

    I feel icky about this too. 🙁

    FW, you make a good point. She is relentless with him, so probably will be with me too. She doesn’t have my number. She tried friending me on FB under a different name, then an hour later sent a message, which I won’t read until later, and then friended me under her real name.



  249.  #249Annie on July 17, 2012 at 6:58 am

    What is there to respond to Feminine woman and receiving girl? As the communication was between two people who are separated and going through a divorce.

    This woman is already in attack mode and her children are involved.
    What benefit do you think it would be for anyone to go into this womans space?
    This woman is reacting in anger and pain.
    And the man is reacting by running away.

    If we are in reaction we have not healed yet. We are wounded.

    Would you go anywhere near a wounded tiger with her cubs?



  250.  #250Annie on July 17, 2012 at 6:59 am

    I feel agitated am off to make myself a cup of tea and feel better.



  251.  #251ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 7:00 am

    (((Rebecca))) I’ve also acted in poor ways in the past. Ways that embarrass me now. You are not alone in that.



  252.  #252Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 7:04 am

    Annie I hope you feel better.



  253.  #253Daria on July 17, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Receiving girl – I hope u find it in you to feel those icky feelings a d do it anyway, so that you can meet the right man for you. It felt icky to me too at first, I was very into loyalty and woundnt date if i was even in any way enotionly attached to a man (even obe not present in my life)

    It really feels way better to feel powerful and own my power as a woman to be courted and open.

    I’d feel sad to lose another few years tieing myself down to a guy and missing the gift of me, and healing my own judgements and limits on myself.

    I feel quite shaky thinking of that . 🙁

    Ugh it feels… Frustrating to feel so powerless

    I’m sure everything is healing!

    Yay me for staying with my feelings



  254.  #254Tam on July 17, 2012 at 7:15 am

    Cripes, now our common friend at MrU’s just tried to call me – about the neighbour guy who wants to visit Germany and wants to ask me questions. I got all of MrU’s household on my case!!!! How to move away from that?! It’s kinda funny though



  255.  #255ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 7:15 am

    I feel empathetic to Mr. Observant and his wife because things didn’t work out. I personally want every marriage to work and for love to conquer all. It’s my idealistic thinking.

    However, I do feel judgmental towards her for her behavior. I understand feeling resentful, hurt, whatever. But, there comes a time, when acting out on your resentments is not in your best interest.

    His income is all they have. If she continues to rack up lawyer fees with all this BS, what does she think is going to happen? How is he supposed to pay child support, pay alimony, have his own bills to pay and pay all the lawyer fees? It is realistically not possible to afford that on one salary. She is hurting herself, her children and him. Who wins? The lawyers.



  256.  #256bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 7:16 am

    annie 226

    actually i kind of hurt my partner’s feelings this year because i did literally nothing for his birthday except like… the normal nice things i do, plus i said happy birthday to him…

    when “corporate structure” is a feeling – it is like (echo echo boom boom) // slanting angles hard surfaces slight construction errors or ground-sink —- ears pop weird pressure imbalances —- why is this happening ? where are my parents ? there is no food here or plants – everything is pretend & trash – smoke & stale air



  257.  #257Annie on July 17, 2012 at 7:18 am

    I felt better FW after my tea and a flirt.
    Then felt patronized after reading I hope you feel better.
    And now feel amused and hey ho.



  258.  #258bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 7:22 am

    after i realized that he felt bad, i drew him a card with a coupon for “one birthday” – including a pinata, 3 leches cake, steak & wine, & a prezzie : )) i do love him & i don’t want him to feel somehow “forgotten” or not important… on my birthday, i just expect that i will be glowing & bathing in fairy dust : ) that’s it – that’s all i want… it’s just my day of power kind of : )

    last year no one “gave me” anything – not even my parents … but i went on a first date & got a kiss at midnight in my favorite park : )



  259.  #259Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 7:26 am

    bloom-ing I love reading your comments.



  260.  #260ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 7:28 am

    @249 Annie

    He is not running away. He is, however, not accepting being treated poorly by her. He will gladly talk to her when she is not yelling, swearing and calling him names. He is setting boundaries on how he will be treated.

    I haven’t even read her message yet. I will decide then how best to handle it. I do feel, however, being ignored will make things worse. I know it does for me when I am ignored.



  261.  #261ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 7:31 am

    @253 Thanks ((Daria))

    (((Annie))) I feel bad you feel bad.

    (((Tam)))



  262.  #262Tam on July 17, 2012 at 7:35 am

    When I read about the wounded tiger, I felt sad. I was often a wounded tiger and lashed out when instead I should have been proud glossy Tigress holding my head high and speaking my truth. I now have nothing but compassion for wounded tigers because they are in a bad place and can’t handle it. ((wounded tigers))



  263.  #263Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 7:44 am

    I feel like leaning forward. PLEASE!! I need support to not do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  264.  #264Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 7:46 am

    Wounded tiger lashing out is a scream for love. That scream comes from a place that desperately wants to loved and accepted.



  265.  #265Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Starla,

    I dreamed about him too last night. Ughhhhh



  266.  #266CurvySiren10 on July 17, 2012 at 7:50 am

    Tam, MrU sounds *so* much like my guy…a year or so ago. So many things you say trigger me into remembering those times and how I felt back then. It’s interesting to work through these triggers and look at how things have evolved since then and what my role was in all of it…

    RG, I feel so tense reading about Observant’s divorce and you being in the middle of all of this stuff with the ex. It makes my stomach feel churny. As I’ve written to Memulo several times, being involved with someone going through a divorce is messy and tricky and very stressful. I was that person for a while and I was very lucky that my man stepped aside. He knew what he was doing. I did NOT see that at the time, but in retrospect, it is SO clear. It’s a terribly volatile time for a relationship. It CAN get better and stable, but he has to walk through those doors alone and there is great healing that has to happen once it DOES settle down.



  267.  #267Tam on July 17, 2012 at 7:51 am

    FW, exactly



  268.  #268Esteemed on July 17, 2012 at 7:52 am

    Memulo,

    188 – Sounds good! Sounds like you handled it well.



  269.  #269Tam on July 17, 2012 at 7:55 am

    I feel silly for feelimg awkward about calling back our common friend. I want to but worry it looks like game playing as MrU alwaus used to be a little jealous, he is most likely in the vicinity and it’s just awkward.
    But I like the guy and he was asking me stuff and I could not answer as I was in a meeting. Hrmpf.



  270.  #270Esteemed on July 17, 2012 at 7:56 am

    R and I texted for 2.5 hours in the middle of the night. Yep, he’s my addiction, and I enjoy it too much. Don’t wanna stop…yet.

    He asked me out for either Fri or Sat at our favorite bar, depending which night karaoke is. 🙂 VERY rare for him to plan in advance with me (I allowed that pattern because i started to date him before I found Rori in 2009).

    It went very smoothly last night. We disccussed a little bit of issues. Ended on a positive note.



  271.  #271Tam on July 17, 2012 at 7:58 am

    Typos, on phone, sorry.
    Thank you curvy siren!!! I have a way to go yet…



  272.  #272Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 7:59 am

    RE 269

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/the-inner-work-is-what-you-do-so-you-can-do-what-works/#more-3466

    The reason I said STOP was that as long as you’re looking for the What do I do now? What do I say now? – you’ll be stuck in your mind. So…
    4. Ask yourself this – what if I just dropped down inside myself, below the place where I’m trying to figure this out (and heroically trying to figure it out, so brava for that!), and I just forgave myself for everything and anything around all this thinking?
    What if I just laid a thick, yummy spread of compassion for me around my heart?
    What if I opened up to all this forgiveness and compassion and just, well…sat here (or stood here, or walked here) with it?
    And what would it feel like if I didn’t TRY at all?
    What if nothing I thought of perceiving or thinking or doing actually means anything?
    What if it doesn’t even matter?
    5. Now…focus on your body.
    Really track everything in your body for tension and holding, and let it drop away. Soothe it all with compassion and love for every fiber of you.
    Track how the tension comes and goes, how it suddenly reappears, how it feels when it dissolves – if even for a moment.
    Get familiar with how your body is reacting to what you’re thinking, what you’re doing, and the work you’re doing in these first 4 steps.
    Get familiar with what happens when one part lets go and relaxes. Get familiar with the feeling of “being moved” that shows up – and get familiar with what happens when you start to “label” the “moved feeling” as “sadness” or “upset” or “anger” or anything at all.
    Get familiar with what happens when you find yourself in this LIMBO place of constant forgiveness, compassion, and attention to your body.



  273.  #273Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 8:01 am

    (((((Jasmine)))))

    (((((Jasmine)))))

    (((((Jasmineeeeeeeeeee))))))))

    Am I repressing my feelings because I just want to say hi and I won’t?

    You made a good point (((Rebecca)))



  274.  #274bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 8:08 am

    woo woo woo i’m just thinking how everything is magical & i’m INSISTING upon it, actually : )



  275.  #275bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 8:12 am

    jasmine, i feel curious about the “why” that you want to say Hi : )

    do you want to talk with a specific man? or are you just feeling excited & friendly ? or are you feeling cravings for attention ??

    yum i like to be friendly, but i feel so so so sad when i’m feeling a tiny bit off & i send an email or send a text or try to call & don’t get a response & the silence feels like “no one cares” & it feels bad to me. & i usually don’t do it because i can get the bad feelings just from something bad happening AFTER i reach out…. like, maybe i felt rockstar when i sent the message, but then 15 min later my boss yells at me & the rest of the day, i associate the pain of feeling embarrassed or incompetent or under-valued at work with the (usually inconsequential) pain of not receiving a response.

    what do you think?



  276.  #276Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 8:24 am

    Bloom-ing,

    I just feel friendly. He’s a guy I used to date. But yeah, the only thing that stops me from doing it is what will happen next. I don’t want to feel disappointed.

    🙂



  277.  #277Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 8:25 am

    I mean not dating, he used to be my boyfriend.



  278.  #278ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Regarding the wounded tiger…have any of you ladies contacted another woman or thought about it? (In regards to your guy seeing someone else)

    I feel curious as to what your intentions were behind that?

    I thought about it when I was questioning whether BoatGuy was seeing that other woman. I thought about messaging her on FB.

    My intentions were to 1) know the truth and 2) to make her aware, not for her benefit, but so she would leave him. I was jealous he was having intimacy with some other woman. In a way, I wanted to hurt him.

    I didn’t do it because I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I knew I would be labeled the psycho chic because she would tell him I contacted him. I didn’t do it to protect myself and my own reputation.

    Just pondering around her intentions.



  279.  #279Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 8:32 am

    Jasmine

    Which point was that, I’m curious..?



  280.  #280Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Rebecca,

    164 – You said

    “Ruth

    I think that is such a good point. No-one, in my opinion should repress their feelings good or bad. I thought the point of this blog is to confront patterns that aren’t working in your life with love and support. This is what I feel.”



  281.  #281Tam on July 17, 2012 at 8:42 am

    278 – she must be really in a bad place. I never seriously considered contacting another woman, it crossed my mind once but immediately I realised it would turn me into a psycho and that if I couldn’t trust the man then I ought to get rid of him (that was my philosophy, instead of looking why I didn’t trust him and whether it might have been me who had the problem)
    But no, I would never go as far as to contact any woman.
    However, I once had a woman come up to me whilst I was having a date and say ‘that is my boyfriend’ and she screamed and I thought she was going to hit me. I thought he was single, obviously, and even afterwards he insisted that she was ‘after him’ but they never had a relationship. You can imagine what that was like. She turned into a hyeana and I just thought ‘OMG…she is a goner’. And honestly, that put me right off ever doing anything like that myself, it is just such a loss of self-respect…



  282.  #282ruth on July 17, 2012 at 8:44 am

    Ugh
    Feeling blocked and disconnected today, like I am in a perspex bubble



  283.  #283Tam on July 17, 2012 at 8:45 am

    Well, I am going to give my friend a call as he wanted me to speak to him..I can see it as a mini CD actually, practice speaking with him without getting triggered by any of the stories he will tell me – like what he and MrU have been getting up to.
    In some ways this chap is such a sweety, very open and cute and smiley, but he is younger than me and not really my type and he is also very child-like, that’s why I never really fancied him – and he doesn’t fancy me either. But he will do as my male practice man today..let’s hope this doesn’t backfire…it’s one of those days where it might!! 😉



  284.  #284Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 8:46 am

    I am sitting at my computer crying my eyes out. 200 Happy birthdays from all over and none from him. He just left without saying anything.
    I don’t know if I can stay here till the party…



  285.  #285Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 8:47 am

    I feel so BETRAYED and ABANDONED!!!



  286.  #286ruth on July 17, 2012 at 8:50 am

    Miss bells, do you really *have* to stay?

    Good luck Tam



  287.  #287Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 8:53 am

    ReceivingGirl I did. When we were planning to get married over 20 years ago I started to hear stories about another girl from our mutual friends and an older woman. I tried to ask him but he avoided and was nervous. So in my ignorance I asked her in person. She said “yes, we have been seeing each other for 1.5 years and so” while batting her eyes. Needless to say it left me angry. Looking back I was a bit calm but told him he would be settling for second best. She tried to trick him into believing she was pregnant. She did a test at a clinic and he went to collect the results and came straight to my office to show me the results were negative. For weeks he tried to convince me to come back to him but my friends and family were against it and my father “blasted his head off” when he went to him about marriage. The marriage did not last as the last time they had problems he retreated to his office for a weekend and when he went back home she had thrown him out. He came slinking back and have been trying to get me since then. In an uproar they had he told me that he told her “you are wicked. You stole the woman’s man and now you don’t want him”. After several years of trying and me rejecting in, I eventually gave in and we got engaged AGAIN. He went back into his old rubberbanding patterns and not opening up when difficult situations arose. I eventually felt bored and moved on. Last year he came back again and told me he was really ready for marriage and believes that he can only be truly happy with me. Too late. Nothing for several months until recently when I got a fb friend request. Now that I have learned about leaning back he will not be hearing from me unless he moves forward. Unfortunately, I still feel bored.



  288.  #288ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 8:53 am

    @281 Tam – yes it is a huge loss of self-respect. And, you are exactly right about the trust thing.



  289.  #289Tam on July 17, 2012 at 8:54 am

    286, thanks Ruth, he didn’t pick up the phone..phew…prob driving. I dodged that bullet 🙂

    Miss Bells – go..now???



  290.  #290Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Miss Bells

    Go and enjoy YOUR party please do not let this man ruin your birthday!!

    Happy Birthday!!

    200 happy birthdays!! G’s I’m luck if I get 5!!!



  291.  #291Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Happy Birthday ((((((((((Miss Bells))))))))))))))))

    Try to focus on what you do have rather than the one you don’t. 201 now.

    Easier said than done and I know “it’s your birthday and you can cry if you want to”. I would do too if this happened to me. But he is just one man. “You will survive. As long as you know how to love you will stay alive”.



  292.  #292ruth on July 17, 2012 at 8:59 am

    FW

    Id say he was quite persistent about you
    🙂

    Bored is good in that instance

    Hm, wel I just tried to sink down into the soup and got a flood of tears and some very strong physical feelings but i cant quite identify the emotions.(Or maybe I dont want to).It feels incredibly swamping and i dont like the loss of control.No wonder we stuff these things down

    Think Ill be needing a *lot* more practice and back off to CD5 of Reconnect.



  293.  #293ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 8:59 am

    @287 FW – thank you for sharing your story. I believe in your case you had every right to act the way you did, as you were about to marry this man. We all have the right to protect ourselves.

    I was living with a bf and suspected he was cheating. I asked him a few times until he finally admitted it. I moved to the guest bedroom after the first time I asked him and he said no. I knew he was lying and I told him I didn’t believe him. The awful part is that he actually introduced me to this girl (before I called him out on it) and she shook my hand saying, “it’s so nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you!”



  294.  #294Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 9:01 am

    Now I read my comments and realized how triggered I felt with that batting of the eyes. Maybe one the reason I prefer being in my feminine energy. Back then I felt so angry and I can still feel the energy in my hand wanting to slap the “bat” off her face. I wonder what stopped me?



  295.  #295bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 9:03 am

    when i feel the low buzz, i go sing to the plants

    when i feel afraid, i tell myself, “it’s all unfolding perfectly”

    when i feel guilty, i tell myself, “love to me, i love myself radically & unconditionally”

    when i feel judged, i say, “i love you too”

    when i feel alone, i say, “i am part of this amazing beauty – i am infinitely connected”

    when i doubt, i remember that all it is is knowing that everything is beautiful & good & thought is a powerful, dare i say physical ? force



  296.  #296ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Happy Birthday (((Miss Bells)))

    Take care of yourself, throw yourself a grand celebration, and enjoy your special day!!



  297.  #297ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 9:16 am

    She just messaged me again and the first line I can see when I don’t open it. She is angry that I have not yet responded to her.



  298.  #298ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 9:17 am

    Now I feel very defensive. This is not good.



  299.  #299Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:18 am

    FW, I feel happy that you shared that story with us here. I’d say it was somewhat a lucky escape and all worked out as it should.
    Perhaps that is the lesson to draw from our experiences, negative as well as positive. Things have a habit of working out – and sometimes they have a habit of not working out. As long as we find a way to navigate the rocks, we are safe from losing ourselves. It’s a journey, but how boring would it be if we did not make it, if we did not have our stories, if everything was always smooth sailing?
    Even if it is sometimes painful, we learn, learn, learn.



  300.  #300Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:19 am

    297 – can you block her messages, her number?
    This is going to be too tricky for you otherwise, I feel. You can’t really come out a winner in this situation unless you ignore her…I guess?



  301.  #301ruth on July 17, 2012 at 9:20 am

    RG, blimey!

    hard to know what to do in that situation



  302.  #302bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 9:22 am

    thank you, femininewoman : )) ooh & i’m loving the singing : ) esp. lean back lean back because i love that song …i love to dance to it & it makes me feel really cool…. there ain’t no need for a vip section, in the middle of the dancefloor…… : )



  303.  #303ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 9:23 am

    I can block her from FB. I haven’t read either of her messages yet. I am at work and don’t want to deal with that until I am at home.



  304.  #304bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Down yonder green valley, where streamlets meander
    Where twilight is fading, I pensively roam
    For at the bright noontide in solitude wander
    Amidst the dark shades of the lonely ash grove
    Tis there where the blackbird is cheerfully singing
    Each warbler enchants with his notes from a tree
    O then little think I of sorrow or sadness
    The ash grove enchanting spells beauty for me

    http://www.sacredcircles.com/THEDANCE/HTML/DANCEPAG/ASHGROVE.HTM



  305.  #305ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 9:24 am

    I was actually expecting this from the stories I’ve heard about her, she is not the nicest girl according to lots of people. This morning, Mr. Observant apologized in advance if she tried to contact me today.



  306.  #306Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:25 am

    301 – Ruth, I love that you use Blimey. I use it all the time, it’s so British and makes me laugh….and
    once something happened and I just stood and looked and MrU looked at me and said ‘BLIMEY’
    (to mock me I guess, because only I ever said it there…). And I laughed so hard, because it just does not go with a Marlboro American big man to say ‘Blimey’…I don’t know, it cracks me up every time..
    I love my ‘blimeys’



  307.  #307Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:26 am

    RG, did you tell us how she got your number? I mussed have missed it..



  308.  #308Pamelala on July 17, 2012 at 9:27 am

    Miss Bells,

    I hope the energy of 220 happy birthdays makes its way to your heart and helps you to know that there is love in the world for you.

    Whatever you decide to do, stay with your plan or leave today, we’re all here to support and encourage you.

    I feel so sad that you’re going through this, especially today.

    (((((Miss Bells)))))



  309.  #309bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 9:27 am

    “modern man’s hustle” by atmosphere

    Hush little lady dont say a word
    All the rest of the village gonna know your disturbed
    And if you let em know that your vulnerable
    Then there aint no stoppin (high) before they open you slow

    Im a chapter in you text book
    Read me like a check book
    Mistook love at first sight for a sex look
    Enough of the blind man’s bluff
    I want the good stuff
    Trying to hook up a full belly and a foot rub

    The moderns man hustle, i dig it, I shovel
    Feed me ya troubles and need me to cuddle
    Bundle up in my mitten and coat
    As cold as it get Ill keep your winter afloat

    So let the snow fall (its comin down)
    She doesnt want to understand why I still come around
    She look at the mirror she dont see what I see
    She holds no history of how precious she be

    Lay your head on my chest speak of this stress
    Kick your feet up and rest before we clean up the nest
    I hate to see you upset, it cramps the position
    And if you didnt know you better listen



  310.  #310ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 9:28 am

    Tam, she doesn’t have my phone number. She is contacting me through FB.



  311.  #311Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:28 am

    ‘must have’ oh dear, my spelling is going AWOL



  312.  #312ruth on July 17, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Tam

    Crikey
    😉

    (im an Ancient Brit)

    Thank you, that made me all smily. I think i needed that



  313.  #313bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 9:30 am

    miss bells, wow – 200 happy wishes ?? that sounds wonderful… i feel sad about your “Missing” wish, but i feel sure that lovely things are rushing down from above for you. also, i like your website : ))



  314.  #314Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:31 am

    RG, how about blocking her? I would. I know it seems infantile but you really don’t want to be dragged into it, believe me…
    It will be hard enough as it is (speaking from experience with a recently divorced man). You will see more than enough of her in due course….with kids etc. I would keep out of it, exit politely, you could tell her via fb that you do not think further contact is conducive…something like that and then block her…just my 2 cents…might be wrong??



  315.  #315bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Tam, i smiled to see the word “mussed” – i really like that word : )))



  316.  #316Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:35 am

    yeah blooming..a bit like ‘I mussed up’… 😉



  317.  #317Tam on July 17, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Ruth,
    Good-oh !!
    (though unsure as to how to spell this)



  318.  #318ruth on July 17, 2012 at 9:40 am

    Jolly super Tam
    🙂

    On a more serious note RG, Id not reply at all. it can only go bad



  319.  #319Emoticon on July 17, 2012 at 9:53 am

    I feel super needy 2day. And that makes me feel sad, cuz im not getting the attention I really want.



  320.  #320Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 10:05 am

    ((((((((((((RG))))))))))))))



  321.  #321Esteemed on July 17, 2012 at 10:12 am

    Tam,

    306 – LOL, I think “blimey” is cute! I live in Northeast US. A friend of mine enjoys saying, “bahstahd” (bastard) with the English pronunciation!

    How about it for you wonderful English ladies? I just love an English accent!



  322.  #322Esteemed on July 17, 2012 at 10:14 am

    (((Miss Bells))),

    Happy Birthday. Yeah, have a happy birthday…anyway…just to spite him! 🙂

    (I hope you hear from him…and sorry to hear you are hurting)



  323.  #323Esteemed on July 17, 2012 at 10:16 am

    (((Emoticon))),

    Will you sing another song for us? Then we can cheer for you, and you won’t feel as needy anymore! 😆

    You have a beautiful voice!



  324.  #324ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:18 am

    Just read her messages…WOW…volatile. She’s threatening to contact my friends that she knows so she can get in touch with me so we can get together and talk.



  325.  #325Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 10:21 am

    RG

    I feel you are being very brave… I feel inspired by this



  326.  #326Emoticon on July 17, 2012 at 10:22 am

    Awww Esteemed. Thank you. I will when I get home. Im sure theres a song that sums up how I feel right now



  327.  #327Tam on July 17, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Esteemed, thank you!! 🙂
    And I want to say I am excited about your face to face date with R, that’s a huge step forward…



  328.  #328ruth on July 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

    she sounds a bit pyschotic RG

    Take care

    xx

    Esteemed, hmmm, there are a few different accents over here.You might not like the Birmingham one:)



  329.  #329Emoticon on July 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

    “And I want to say I am excited about your face to face date with R, that’s a huge step forward…” – Tam

    I second that!



  330.  #330Tam on July 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

    RG – it’s disrespecting boundaries. You have to insist on boundaries which in this case would be totally ignoring and blocking her, she is focusing on you now and that is not going to end well.



  331.  #331ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

    She unfriended her brother, who I know. He must not have given into her request to choose.



  332.  #332ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

    Thank you everyone. My stomach is in knots.



  333.  #333Starla on July 17, 2012 at 10:32 am

    haha RG, I would message her back and say “Ohh we’re just dating, girl, we haven’t even talked about exclusivity or anything like that, so I don’t think I’m someone you need to talk to. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with such intense feelings right now. I wish you all the best”



  334.  #334Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Sooo I couldn’t help myself and ended up saying hi. This is our convo:

    J: Hola!

    A: Hey what’s up?

    J: Just saying hi, how are ya?

    A: I’ve been good what’s new with you?

    J: I’ve been really good, just trying to deal with this weather. It’s crazy!

    A: Haha Michigan wanted to be like DR for ya (DR is where I’m from)

    J: It’s been worse!

    A: Lol it’s been awesome! On the weekends at least

    J: Well yeah better than the snow

    A: Haha yeah I like being tan

    J: You mean orange? Haha

    A: One time! I am tan now NOT orange

    J: lmao alright I’ll believe you

    A: Ur probably as black as Perla by now :p (Perla is a really dark friend of ours)

    J: Haha shut up! I’m a brownie now

    A: lol beach or pool?

    J: Actually both

    A: Yup that’s the way to go

    And I stopped it right there. I could’ve kept going but I stopped. Ehh, I’m not even anxious 🙂



  335.  #335ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:40 am

    @314 Tam

    I’m not really sure how to handle this. I don’t think blocking with stop her.



  336.  #336ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:42 am

    @325 Thank you Rebecca.



  337.  #337ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:43 am

    Esteemed, I must have missed your post about a face-to-face with R. I hope it goes well! 🙂



  338.  #338ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:45 am

    @333 Starla

    Thank you for that! 🙂



  339.  #339Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 10:52 am

    I agree with Starla RG.



  340.  #340Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 10:54 am

    And now he keeps talking



  341.  #341ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Basically, I’m a whore with no morals, ruining her kids lives and toxic.

    Divorce isn’t always about bitterness and sometimes is about making a family unit work better as a whole.

    So, what, does she think they are still going to be a family after the divorce and live together happily ever after? That all of the things she’s dragging him through is for the benefit of the family?



  342.  #342Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

    I remember when my cousin split with her husband. He left no stone unturned to get in touch with all friends and family to paint her. He told me she was a lesbian and why he thought so. She had once agreed to a 3 way which ended up into several events. Then he disappeared so it ended up two-way with the girls. Then the other girl got pregnant. He left to be with that one until she discovered who he really was and kicked him out.



  343.  #343ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 10:56 am

    Went into moderation…let’s try this.

    Basically, I’m a wh#re with no morals, ruining her kids lives and toxic.

    Divorce isn’t always about bitterness and sometimes is about making a family unit work better as a whole.

    So, what, does she think they are still going to be a family after the divorce and live together happily ever after? That all of the things she’s dragging him through is for the benefit of the family?



  344.  #344Emoticon on July 17, 2012 at 10:57 am

    FW omg. i read that in a romance novel once. Well not really a romance novel cuz it wasnt romantic but i didnt read the rest cuz i was sort of disgusted by the drama and the language used to describe it in the book.

    Im not into books filled with slang anyway. I gave it back to my cousin and that was that. But thats EXACTLY what happened in the book.



  345.  #345siren song on July 17, 2012 at 11:01 am

    I had a nightmare (!) about the guy I dated for 8 years last night. What’s up with our dreams??



  346.  #346Starla on July 17, 2012 at 11:04 am

    You are so welcome! I used that exact pattern of communicating in politics several times (a lot of “crazies” contacting me in an intense way) and it works like a charm! Sometimes they respond with more intensity, but you just keep following the pattern. So if she responds like “wtf sljdskjdeiujskd” you can just say something like “ohh, i’m so sorry that you’re dealing with such an intense situation right now. It must feel so hard. And I know that there’s nothing of value I can really “add” here, so I hope my wishing you all the best is enough. Take nice care.”



  347.  #347Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

    Hahah Siren Song,

    It’s like a plague



  348.  #348ruth on July 17, 2012 at 11:06 am

    RG.Oh no

    DONT reply

    Dont get dragged in

    its not your issue



  349.  #349ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 11:12 am

    But, is it my issue. I mean, I am here. I’m a big girl and I made a choice.

    I text Mr. Observant and said, I feel uncertain as to how to handle these messages. He hasn’t responded yet.

    They are not FB friends, but he just liked Zoosk and followed her on it. That does not make any sense to me.



  350.  #350Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 11:14 am

    RG we can all learn from her thinking. Remember the things Rori recommends is COUNTER-INTUITIVE. For the most part many women think the way she is thinking. I have seen a woman physically attack the man, and physically attack the girlfriend. What can I tell you? the female hormones are strong.

    I really wish you would try Starla’s strategy. Take the higher road. When I see and hear things like that I can see why some get called “low class”.

    I should also share authentically. I have experience of being in your shoes and is the reason why when someone else shared about a married man flirting with her I encouraged her not to go there because the man was still living with his wife is what I understood and was “thinking” about separating because he was unhappy.



  351.  #351Esteemed on July 17, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Tam,

    327 – YW. Aww, thanks! I understand my friendship with R being a little not too favored on the blog. it has been pretty rocky. But it feels good that you support me anyway. I sure had a rich conversation with him last night!

    The thing about the “friendship” level, a big reason why I don’t think he really means it, is that ALL throughout our friendship, he has tried to convince me that he is not interested romantically, even when it was obvious he was.

    For example, in his deepest moment of truth, when his emotion was all over his face and glowing thru his eyes, he said, “It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world.”

    Over and over, for 3.5 years, his actions have said in big and little ways that he is interested romantically….while his words rarely line up. It feels confusing, but I continue to believe he is seriously, and I do mean SERIOUSLY considering me as a potential wife.

    In his case, I believe it is not a fear of commitment, but that he takes a romantic relationship SO seriously that he is making a complete study of me and giving us a serious amount of time to get to know each other, so that we come together and mesh on every level before he makes commitment official.

    I understand that sounds far fetched to some, and I accept that. But that is my belief.



  352.  #352ruth on July 17, 2012 at 11:15 am

    RG be VERY careful here
    Any reply you make could be held up in court
    You do not know this woman, you dont have to reply to her



  353.  #353Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 11:16 am

    BTW A man recently told me that he would do anything for his woman because he realized a loing time ago that when the woman is happy, he is happy and everything is happy at home.



  354.  #354Tam on July 17, 2012 at 11:17 am

    I agree with Ruth…..it could get ugly.



  355.  #355Esteemed on July 17, 2012 at 11:17 am

    RG,

    337 – Yeah, he asked me out in 270. Happy me!



  356.  #356Tam on July 17, 2012 at 11:18 am

    FW, that’s sweet. That was a good man – and wise 🙂



  357.  #357ruth on July 17, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Esteemed, I do feel reluctant to comment on your situation
    You are there and I am not
    I feel so uncomfortable about the deliberate infliction of pain on his part, your history of being abused and what you said about him being your addiction earlier on

    That doesnt feel good to me
    I hope I am wrong and that things work out
    xx



  358.  #358Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Ruth do you suggest RG do nothing? say nothing?

    What if this woman eventually gets her address and shows up there?



  359.  #359Calypso on July 17, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Hi Sirens!

    Sorry I have been away from the Blog – It must have been a while – I missed several posts!

    I have been getting ready for my hearing in court trying to get the alimony I pay to my ex-husband stopped – he is such a leach . . . grrr… We had a brief hearing yesterday that it took me weeks to get ready for – pushing it to trial now – will have several more months to worry about it~

    Yesterday was intense for me and I felt so alone in the world. I wanted to cry and lean on someone, but there wasn’t anyone there. I’m not going to dicuss these things with any of my current CD’s. I kept thinking about GM and wishing so much that I could talk to him. My hearing was at 3:00 – at 1:30 while I was studying my notes, I got a text from GM! He wanted to know if I had gone to court – he remembered that date from two months ago when it was first scheduled! Wow!

    I texted with him a little before the hearing and he asked me to let him know how it went, so when it was over i texted again. I told him I was feeling discouraged and that if we were closer it would be nice to share stories (He just went to court too) and hugs and a cold drink . . . he replied that it would be real nice . . .

    I immediately pictured myself snuggled up against his long, lean, naked body . . . pressing up under his left arm, being absorbed right into his rib cage, where I belong. Snug, protected, loved. I cried a little, but felt immediately better. I have not texted him back and don’t plan on it, but I feel encased in him right now. I don’t know if i will ever stop loving the man and right now, I don’t even want to try any more.



  360.  #360Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 11:23 am

    RE 356 I also feel reluctant to comment and truthfully icky reading the details. If there is ever a situation that helps me to clearly face my judgemental body reactions this story is it. It is really good practice for me with walking away, putting my hand over my mouth and shifting my focus.



  361.  #361Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 11:26 am

    OMG Calypso what a beautiful comforting vision. aaahh



  362.  #362Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Esteemed,

    I feel like you’re imagining he’s considering you as a potential wife just like you were imagining he was going to propose to you. I hope it doesn’t turn out the same way.

    I feel like I will just stop commenting on your situation.

    Wish you best!



  363.  #363ruth on July 17, 2012 at 11:29 am

    I do suggest doing nothing at all, yes FW
    A reply could lead to all sorts of stuff that could be used in court
    Now, i am assuming that RG does not actually *know* this woman
    If she shows up at the house, call the police
    Hopefully it wont come to that

    the problem with any interaction, especially on line is that words can be taken out of context and used against people
    This woman is likely to be quite irrational and angry

    (I am also assuming here that Mr O was separated from his wife before RG got together with him-not sure of full history.Because if not, then RG could end up being named in the divoce stuff, which would be messy, to say the least)

    If it was me, id say Nothing
    There is not any reason to reply

    But, i guess others may think differently

    I just cant see how replying will make anything better, and it might make it a H8ll of a lot worse if things get out of control



  364.  #364Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

    I am not disagreeing with you Ruth. I just wanted to understand your rationale which hopefully will help RG make her independent decision. I just know though that it is human nature to keep trying until they feel heard.

    Having said that I have experienced that with car accidents drivers are advised not to correspond with victims. I wonder what Pamelala would suggest.



  365.  #365ruth on July 17, 2012 at 11:39 am

    Good point well made FW, about wanting to be heard

    It just sounds potentially so out of control, and i feel anxious about it

    Of course RG will make her own decisions

    As we all will



  366.  #366Tam on July 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

    Oh Calypso…. I can so so see myself havibg that snuggly fantasy. So nice. I miss the reality of it but that visualisation is soooo comforting.
    I imagined something similar the other day and told myself :stop it.
    Next time I’ll allow myself….



  367.  #367Starla on July 17, 2012 at 11:41 am

    omg, that is so triggering to me!
    My best friend got hit and her car totalled last week by a driver. And the driver NEVER came to check on her and see if she was okay, even though there were people around her shouting “don’t move! don’t touch her! She’s pregnant” and an ambulance came.

    My friend was just fine as it turns out:) But I thought “wow that driver has no humanity in her”

    She also denied the accident being her fault, but there were witnesses including a police officer.

    Some people…:(



  368.  #368bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 11:44 am

    i was watching some katt williams comedy….

    he says: Bxtches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin’ a nxgga,”You fxcked up my self-esteem”. Bxtch it’s called SELF-esteem! It’s the esteem of ya Mutha Fxckin Self Bxtch… How did I fxck up how YOU feel about YOU?

    (((((humans)))))



  369.  #369Emoticon on July 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

    LOL that actually made me laugh.



  370.  #370Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Starla that was legal advice. It seems helping the victim can be construed as admission of guilt. My mother got hit years ago and that was the experience.



  371.  #371ruth on July 17, 2012 at 11:49 am

    Bloom-ing
    he does have a point

    *smiling*



  372.  #372Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 11:50 am

    I’m 13 days late today, how is this possible?!

    I want to go to the pool. I hope today is not the day either lol. But still.



  373.  #373Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Does He Not Respect You Because You Don’t Respect You – OR Him?



  374.  #374Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    FW – or both.



  375.  #375Emoticon on July 17, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    I love Kitchen Aid.



  376.  #376Calypso on July 17, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    FW & Tam – Thank you – It feels lovely to have my vision recognized for being as special as it feels to me right now. I know I need to get back on my horse and ride and I will when I feel strong enough, but right now I am taking comfort the only way I know how. I feel fragile and bruised. I’m going to stay all warm and snuggled up next to the man I love until I feel better – he doesn’t have to do anything, he won’t be the wiser, but the Universe knows . . . the Universe is allowing me the comfort. I don’t think I would feel this way if it wasn’t healthy.

    GM and I imprinted on each other. We may never be a couple again, but I know the comfort and bliss of being loved by him and I’m using those memories to get me through a rough time. It may make it harder (In fact I know it is making it harder) for me to find another man, but it’s just because my standards are so high now that I know how good I can feel – I won’t settle for anything less than feeling like I am ONE with a man. I wish I could go home and take a nap right now – I would close my eyes and image myself being absorbed into his body. I wonder how powerful he would feel if he could know how I’m feeling and what I am imagining . . .



  377.  #377Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    Urgh, just read MrU’s email. Uninspiring me.
    He told me that they were all sitting, having a barbecue and conversation last night. And they were just missing the dancing girls.
    Yea yea. I feel pouty and uninspired to answer anything at all.
    I can’t even think of a feeling message. Despite the fact that he also offered more visa advice, all of which I know already.
    I just feel flat reading it.
    I feel like saying: thanks, I feel flat.



  378.  #378Starla on July 17, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    CL called me on my lunch to make date plans (awww that feels nice, cuz he emails me all day long, but he CALLS to make the plans, yay!) and I said ohh I’m free tonight but not tomorrow. So he said “what a bummer, I would really like to see you, but I have plans to look at houses with my realtor tonight”. And I said ohh I feel disappointed but okay:)

    And then he called me back and said he cancelled with his realtor, haha. He’s going to take me to dinner.

    I feel special. And.. I feel VERY unworthy and kind of like I’m demanding.



  379.  #379Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    wow Starla….you are clearly very worthy 🙂



  380.  #380ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    Starla
    why would you feel unworthy?

    he wants to see you and thats that 🙂

    (((((((((((((Tam))))))))))



  381.  #381Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    they were just missing the dancing girls

    Tam if that includes you I would see this as the waterwheel of love turned towards me. Just yesterday you were wondering if he was boating with other women. If he is caught up with other women how could he miss you?



  382.  #382Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 12:36 pm

    Starla send me some of your magic dust so I can use it too.



  383.  #383ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    @350 FW – I understand. Mr. Observant is not living with his wife, he is living with his mother.

    @352 Ruth, yes, thank you.



  384.  #384Starla on July 17, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    I do feel sad that CL is not CF
    And I understand what Calypso says about “imprinting”

    I don’t want to chase the CF dragon for the rest of my life



  385.  #385Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    I feel angry.
    This email is a huge trigger. It is typical because he can’ help but refer to other women, all the time when I am with him – specific ones, ones that we come across.
    Now he is even doing it in the email, unspecific ones, like he is trying to wind me up, but he isn’t – he is just thinking about women.
    I told him yesterday that I missed being there and boating with him.
    Today he says they had a lovely time and were just missing the dancing girls. It’s almost like he is saying ‘don’t think I missed you, by any chance, don’t get any ideas, yeah dancing girls would have been good but otherwise we were as happy as Larry’

    he said nothing about the Condo being available.

    It just feels bad. Even the attempt at offering me advice and being helpful, that came after that, doesn’t make me feel more inspired.

    I mean, would any of you seriously want to answer that? I really don’t. I could say ‘oh it’s his way and I know he is like that’ – but it just doesn’t feel good. Period. And the fact that he never said about the Condo being available means that he either did not even see my question, or he ignored it, chickened out, or it’s not available, or it is and he couldn’t just say: ‘it’s there for you’

    I feel mad and sad and fed up trying to see meaning where potentially the meaning is just not there.

    Should I even answer?



  386.  #386Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    380…FW – I did not get the feeling it included me. It felt like just another dig, like when he refers to other women constantly when we are together. It grates; it is almost compulsive for him to do that, almost like saying ‘don’t get any hopes here Missy’



  387.  #387ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Starla you wont chase CF for ever
    its still early days

    you will move on
    xx



  388.  #388bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    calypso, i feel so happy & strong reading what you wrote in 375 : ))

    “my standards are so high now that I know how good I can feel – I won’t settle for anything less than feeling like I am ONE with a man…. I wonder how powerful he would feel if he could know how I’m feeling and what I am imagining . . ”

    yummy!! i love it. i feel so happy that i have known such good men & i love the belief that i will hold high standards in my life…. (((men))) &

    i think rori talks about a way to feel powerful is to take all your men along with you on your journey… even when they aren’t “there” with you…. you can still access the love you felt from them – they gave it to you! yummy ! you have that love in your body-heart & memory yum : )

    i don’t think it’s “giving him power” to use those loving visualizations…. : ) i feel more that it is empowering for YOU that you can get those feelings any time you want to feel that way : ))) that man gave you the gift of feeling that way, & you can keep the gifts even without the man : )



  389.  #389Starla on July 17, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Tam, I feel bad that I don’t answer your requests for input lately. I feel confused cuz I thought you actually sent him a goodbye letter and went NC. I am sooo lost. Sooo maybe I’ll just send you hugs:)

    ((((((((((tam)))))))))))



  390.  #390ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    And if you can crystallise the happy memories usefully like calypso.
    Mmm
    That feels nice and comforting

    I hope i can do that one day too

    Thank you calypso



  391.  #391ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    @358 FW, yes that is also my concern.

    I just got back from the dr. and I was thinking about it while I was in the waiting room.

    I think right now the wisest thing for me to do is the tell Mr. Observant I feel it’s best if we back off so he can focus on his divorce because if I (or any other woman is in the picture) it’s going to make things 100 times worse. Neither he, I nor his kids need that added stress. It’s not good for either of our medical conditions and I don’t trust his wife to not find out where I live and confront me at full force.

    Then, I will reply to her and tell her I don’t accept friend requests from anyone who calls me a whore. I was under the impression this was a mutual break-up, a mutual desire to remain friends and move forward with your own lives and that she filed the divorce papers.

    Not sure what else I will say.



  392.  #392Starla on July 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    FW et al,
    there’s magic stardust to go around!
    I would feel happy to “share”
    <3



  393.  #393ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Dang – moderation again, forgot to change that word! 🙂

    @358 FW, yes that is also my concern.

    I just got back from the dr. and I was thinking about it while I was in the waiting room.

    I think right now the wisest thing for me to do is the tell Mr. Observant I feel it’s best if we back off so he can focus on his divorce because if I (or any other woman is in the picture) it’s going to make things 100 times worse. Neither he, I nor his kids need that added stress. It’s not good for either of our medical conditions and I don’t trust his wife to not find out where I live and confront me at full force.

    Then, I will reply to her and tell her I don’t accept friend requests from anyone who calls me a wh#re. I was under the impression this was a mutual break-up, a mutual desire to remain friends and move forward with your own lives and that she filed the divorce papers.

    Not sure what else I will say.



  394.  #394ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    Tam, if it doesnt fel good to answer then you dont have to, do you



  395.  #395ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    RG, wow

    Strong lady



  396.  #396Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    RG I say this very gently – are you sure he lives with his mother? Hopefully you have been invited there and have evidence to that effect.



  397.  #397Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    that comment would have soothed me FW, when I hadn’t heard it so many times before 🙁

    I would like a man who is man enough to say just once in two years: I miss you.
    Or variants. It’s not even crumbs anymore, it’s blatantly throwing the crumbs in the bin and smiling and asking me: ‘so, still like me, even now?
    poor you!’



  398.  #398bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    ((((((((((((((((((Starla)))))))))))))))))))



  399.  #399Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    388 – I had Starla, and was almost a month and then he kinda came on strong and I didn’t want to stay NC anymore, just to see if anything would change – perhaps I should have stayed NC.



  400.  #400Calypso on July 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    Bloom-ing – Thank you for that! I still feel the desire to build GM up and make him feel good – alas – It is not my job. I’m working on me . . . he is on his own. Hopefully he gets strength from his good memories of our time together too.

    Having thios Blog as an outlet today is really helping me so much – thank you to Rori for giving us this forum and to all you Sirens for being here and sharing!



  401.  #401ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    You dont need that Tam, do you
    nd you dont need to waste your time replying



  402.  #402Starla on July 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    woah, i feel overwhelmed, i want to cancel the date now.

    trigger
    my own issues
    don’t like how much he wants to please me
    he’s not cf
    where is my cf:(????
    seriously!!!!!! where did he go? this man who was so close to me just disappeared. and now my heart is in the lurch

    motherf*cker



  403.  #403bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm

    ((((((((((Tam)))))))))



  404.  #404Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Tam it seems the “other woman” references bring up your insecurities. I wonder what if anything is being brought up for healing here? Have you looked at previous relationships that included this?



  405.  #405ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    Starla, just go out and have fun

    Please



  406.  #406Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm

    Starla,

    I wonder… are you trying to find CF in another man? That’s not good!!



  407.  #407Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    I just want to ‘let him have it’ but I realise that that wiuold be the former me, that he hasn’t done anything wrong and there is no point to lash out. Why?
    Can I blame him for not missing me?
    Of course not.
    Can I blame him for wanting dancing girls? No
    Can I blame him for sending me more advice? No, it is a nice thing.
    My voice of reason says ‘he has done nothing wrong, he is being nice and light and his usual self’

    and my triggered little girl heart says ‘it’s not enough, not enough, not enough’



  408.  #408bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    ((((starla)))) ((((((cf)))))) ((((((cl)))))) (((((((men)))))))



  409.  #409Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    “Anything else new in your world?”

    Wow this guy really wants to talk



  410.  #410Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm

    I don’t even know what to reply to that!



  411.  #411Tam on July 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    404, FW, no man has ever done that to me. No man has ever checked out other women when I was with him and said ‘oh, I’d do her’, or ‘look at her, she’s hot’, or one time ‘oh it would be perfect if I was with another guy now’ (as two beautiful girls asked us for help).
    Just nobody ever did that. It is almost like he is deliberately pushing me to the edge, and it is also his personality, he loves to look at women and tell me about it – and anyone, other men etc. He has already offended the wives of his friends, they feel uncomfy because he overdoes it.

    So this is really a very mild case, just the fact he had to bung it into the email – it was misplaced. Why, when he is such a man of few words, waste a sentence on that and not instead tell me if the Condo is available. I just don’t get it.
    It’s really like he is telling me ‘I am not missing you, you know, I am just missing females’. That’s the message here.



  412.  #412ruth on July 17, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Thats a good place to be tam
    you can see the issues

    I guess you say nothing



  413.  #413Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    I would love to send him a message to the effect that it feels bad he is missing dancing girls and not me – haha – which is so unbelievable un-Sireny and stupid that of course I won’t. I’ll just not answer at all.



  414.  #414Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Thank you Ruth. Yes, it isn’t worth it. I am at a loss for words really, maybe I can think of something tomorrow, maybe I can’t.
    I have decided to overhaul my POF profile instead. I send him my love and dancing girls, and get on my horse.



  415.  #415ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    @396 FW

    Yes, I’m sure. He’s here with me a lot of evenings, but I did go to his mom’s house and I’ve met her. He wanted to hang out there and I told him I didn’t think that was wise considering she may show up looking for him and it wouldn’t be a good outcome.

    I feel he is very truthful with me. I’ve actually never really felt that way with a man before. I always silently questioned them.



  416.  #416ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    411.Tam, ugh that feels horrible

    that does not feel good at all



  417.  #417Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    So I said:

    “Just been having fun meeting new people tried to start running but I got suffocated but still prettier and hotter every day”

    A: “Lol I don’t doubt that”



  418.  #418Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    I feel so triggered. Maybe I’m not ready to date? I do really like this guy, I’m just not physically attracted to him. But he is a good man and we have like 293809489283 things in common, even more things than me and CF had in common.

    I seriously feel upset. I feel like crying my eyes out in the bathroom.

    I’m not going to cancel on CL.

    I dunno what my deal is. I was secretly hoping we’d go out tonight. And I even told him i was disappointed we couldn’t. And now he’s moved his schedule around to see me, and he just really likes me and ummmmm

    I think mostly I’m terrified of hurting him if I never become physically attracted. He likes me soooo much. He told me so sincerely today that he thinks I’m the best woman he’s ever met in his life. I know he really meant it, too.

    I miss CF
    I miss CF
    I miss CF:(
    🙁
    🙁
    f*ck
    *cussing a lot*



  419.  #419Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    416 Ruth, I know. I used to overlook it because I know it’s about issues. And he stopped it for a long time after I told him it made me feel shabby…but then he took me out to Miami, after we had spent an amazing weekend, and sat down next to me instead of in front of me, and did not look me in the eyes but wanted to do ‘people watching’ which was women watching. Every woman that walked by got a comment. It was awful. I suspect it was the withdrawal after a very close contact and lovely weekend…it was too much for him and there was the ‘pushing of my boundaries’ and going cold on me.
    He didn’t know how I felt, I should have told him, instead I just got very very angry and silent. These days I would just tell him: that feels awful. And he would stop. I know because I did it once and he stopped dead in his tracks, he was shocked. However, I am tired of all this, you know. There is a good man hidden there, but I am tired of waiting for the not so nice layers to peel off. I am just tired of loving this man.



  420.  #420ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    its ok to feel that starla

    Just go out and se what happens

    Might take your mind off CF for a bit

    jasmine sounds exciting
    🙂

    Right well, i really must drag this old carcass out for a run, i havent yet today



  421.  #421Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    41 (((Starla))))) I know how it feels, hang in there girl, go on you date you will be just fine.
    I promise this to you.



  422.  #422Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    I want a man I need to strategize how to get to like me

    I want a man I need to worry about what to wear for him

    I want a man that makes me anxious and wonder if I’m good enough and okay how I am.



  423.  #423ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    Starla

    NO YOU DONT!

    It *is* ok just to be liked for you

    lean back

    Lean back

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx



  424.  #424Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    (((((((((((((Starla))))))))))))))))

    It is perfectly ok to feel like that!! Just don’t push yourself into liking CL, go out with him, have fun with him, but don’t feel like you HAVE to like him. That happens with time!!!



  425.  #425bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    tam, i don’t think it’s “un-siren-y” to say something….

    if that happened to me…. well, i’m kind of a baby about that kind of stuff, so i wouldn’t want to date a man who talked about other women that way… : )

    but if someone txtd me “missing the dancing girls” i’d say, “awwww…. maybe i’m hearing you wrong, but i’m feeling jealous of the other ‘girls’ getting your missing : ((( i’m feeling unimportant & i don’t want to feel that way with you. what do you think?”

    i feel curious… did he message you first? did he start this conversation about the girls ? if you “initiated” – possibly he is just “trying to get off the phone” & send the message that this is Guy Time – not Relationship Time… idk ! what do you think?



  426.  #426Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    ruth, of course I “don’t” want that.

    But deep down I do. Always have. Thats why we go for unavailable guys

    yep

    ((((((((me))))))))))

    I feel just sick and gross.



  427.  #427ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    Tam

    Bl@@dy h*ll

    that must have been SO exhausting , to be with him



  428.  #428Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    420 – Thank you Ruth!! lol



  429.  #429Daria on July 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    i have a date in 40 min and i forgot to take dude’s number to see if he called

    i did wake up every hour to check

    and i don’t remember who he is

    theres anotehr guy with his name calling, and i dont think its the same guy… uhoh…

    i feel all lost

    and i feel very furiously angry at myself

    still i think, from kinda overfunctioning with the last man and now got myself in a position that i feel helpless and unworthy in

    i want to heal this

    thank u



  430.  #430bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    (((((Starla)))))



  431.  #431ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Starla, now you just stop this right now, girl!

    You are GORGEOUS

    and this man thinks you are, so lap it right up!

    If you dont like hin enought to carry on, well fine
    But right now its just a fun evening
    he is a nice guy and you like his company

    and he wants to soend the evening with you

    No strings

    ok?



  432.  #432Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm

    I bet if CL wasn’t so clearly into me, or said he wasn’t sure about me or something, I would want him more.

    instead i feel turned off or something

    it’s like… the potential for obligated reciprocation. or feeling like he is being needy in all his adoring me.

    i dunno

    my head hurts, i feel ill.

    serious issues.

    i’m going to talk to my therapist about this when he comes back from vacation.



  433.  #433ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    run time

    wow its late



  434.  #434Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    thank you for your support and comfort, ladies
    (((((((((ladies)))))))))



  435.  #435Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    Starla,

    I totally feel you on the “sweet guy” issue. It IS a turn off. I used to hang out with this guy who was sooooo sweet and a gentleman, very caring and blah blah. Uhhh. I got so bored. And it was good until he tried to get very close to me. That was a total turn off. It felt so weird.

    So I would just hang out with CL as much as I can as long as he doesn’t try anything or make me feel uncomfortable. Just live it up, girl!



  436.  #436ruth on July 17, 2012 at 1:29 pm

    I havent quite gone yet Starla, but that resonates with me
    Do you feel “worthy” of being adored??

    thats all I am gonna say
    And now for the obligatory three miles



  437.  #437Daria on July 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    i feel like this rolling desperation that i haven’t really been feeling

    🙁

    i dont know what this is about

    i want to heal this



  438.  #438Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm

    Starla it is reminding me of the upper limit thermostat setting on the amount of love and positive energy that we can allow to flow through us. I am thinking of Gay Hendricks book “The Big Leap”.

    Time to stretch the comfort zone and push the thermostat a bit.



  439.  #439Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    I feel tears building in my eyes just thinking about setting the thermostat higher

    i don’t deserve it

    i can’t handle it

    i’m going to hurt anyone who tries to give this to me

    i am unworthy

    oh sh*t



  440.  #440Jasmine on July 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    Pool time!!

    ttyl ladies!!



  441.  #441Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    (((((((((((((((Starla))))))))))))))))

    Change is not always easy. Rori has written a bit about that. Where is Mel?



  442.  #442Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Starla!

    CL is a gift!!! Eeeeeennnnnnjjjjjjooooooyyyyy



  443.  #443Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    ((((Starla)))



  444.  #444Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    “6. Disarray is the start of your new life.

    The point is that doing this changes your “normal.”
    And when you get a “New Normal” – (more on this Tool is in my Reconnect Your Relationship program) – the man who shows up (even if it’s the man you’ve been with for years) is different.
    Your New Normal brings with it Confidence. Peace. Comfort….Happiness
    Instead of thinking expectations – your whole heart and body is in “love mode” – and everything you were worried about shifts.
    You’re more willing to do the things that make a man feel loved and welcomed and happy WITHOUT feeling needy, or angry, or resentful.
    Because – in fact – you’re no longer DOING – you’re just BEING.
    And – in just being, things get done. Things happen. You move, you talk, you feel – it just comes from a completely different place inside you.
    I can’t describe the experience for you – because the joy of experiencing this is yours to discover.”



  445.  #445Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    I remember Rori talking about crying in an interview when she recognized her husband as him. She so did not want it to be.



  446.  #446Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    thank you fw
    (((((((((fw))))))))))
    i sure am glad to have you ladies



  447.  #447Rebecca on July 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Hmmm

    Today I was wondering why I am so negative all the time, why I am so frightened of being / feeling positive.

    I really think it stems back to my childhood when a friend said that I was ‘tempting fate’..

    I find it so hard to be positive. I really want to be positive.. I want to be positive about my lovelife… I can barely write this I feel so shakey and scared…



  448.  #448Shar lean way back on July 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm

    Starla, I would add more guys in my cd rotation so there is less pressure. What do you think? i.e. I like you but I’m dating until I feel ______



  449.  #449Starla on July 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    FW, recognized her husband as what?



  450.  #450Linda on July 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    Starla, from what you have been posting for days, you have made lots of changes for yourself. Kudos! You are not the only one that has pangs like you are feeling right now. I have and probably will again.

    I cant tell you how many times I have had an okay guy really like me and I just wasn’t into them. I a practicing being in the moment. What ever I am doing I am paying attention to how I feel at the moment. CD’s are practice for us. I occurrs to me that you might just get pulled off your bridge with guy and this is just the right kind of man for you explore this other side of yourself right now.

    I want to learn to receive and be open and stay in the moment with a man. My brain turns too much.

    So many of us can relate to having a guy be into us that we just aren’t feeling anything for. As for me I want to explore even that to see if I have some walls that need to either come down or stay as is.

    Linda



  451.  #451Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    suddenly it resonates: does he not respect you because you do not respect you?
    Yes, that’s what it was.
    If I had respected me, I would have told him right from the beginning that ‘soandso’ doesn’t feel good to me. Instead because I thought I was not loveworthy showing the real me, I swallowed everything and excused bad behaviour towards me.

    I don’t want to do that anymore. If I ever hear a man again in my presence, dating me, saying ‘I’d do her’, I will calmly tell him that it feels bad, get up and walk away. And on our first date he said some things I did not like and because I wasn’t invested in the guy yet, I told him!! I told him that I thought he was being a bit extreme..and it never put him off me.

    Now it is already gone too far to do anything about it. Now the slightest thing throws me off kilter and wants to make me fire something back. Like ‘oh, I am dating half of Germany while you seem to have a lack of dancing girls’ – but no.
    I am even tired of using feeling messages because I don’t even know if I want him to know how I feel anymore, if I even care. Feeling messages about what ‘oh I feel baaaaaaad about the dancing girls’ – it’s like I have a screw loose even more so than before. Because I am not fed up about the dancing girls, I am fed up about all those times he referred to other women. And I should let it go or let him go.
    It’s like my old wounds are being ripped open. Triggers everywhere today.

    I want a man who makes me feel sane, not mad.
    I know he is trying his best to support me and I know these are all my issues and I am trying so desperately to heal them….



  452.  #452Tam on July 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    thank you for letting me vent and your support, I feel embarrassed to be seemingly so out of control today and yesterday.



  453.  #453Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm

    I have a sense of urgency, and I have a sense of urgently pushing this man away…which is also an old pattern of my unavailability. As soon as he gets close, and I feel a little hurt, I want to push, push, push. And that is what I used to do. Normally now, I’d have closed that chapter for another 3 months at least. I’d have said: ‘oh, glad you guys are having a lovely time. I am sure at the next best bar you can find some loose girls, and enjoy’
    – that would have been my hurt boy energy yet little girl inside speaking.

    I am pondering what would happen if I act the exact opposite of what I used to do. Except, I am not sure as to how. …hmmmm….I could see it as an experiment, like last week….hmmm…and experiment to do something outrageously different…just what.



  454.  #454Starla on July 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Shar, yes, I definitely need to add other guys into my rotation. I am making a date with myself for Saturday night to make a POF profile. And to finally get in touch with all those guys I’ve been putting off while I was on my dating strike.



  455.  #455Dominique on July 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Annie – #186 – A man who loves you and is in love with you will respect how you feel and may even not go out at all without any prompting from you because he would rather be with you than go out, but if he does, it will be rare. You won’t need to worry about what he’s doing or where he’s going because your trust in him and your relationship will be so strong, it won’t even come up for you.

    If your man goes out without you regularly, and this feels bad to you, maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

    Boundaries around this can be set. But I would wonder why you would have to.

    If he’s so unaware, then a speech is warranted such as below.

    “I feel left out and scared when I’m left alone on a boy’s night out. Can you help me with this?”

    This is all that needs to be said.

    If he has female friends, it’s perfectly okay to ask to be a part of the friendship. It ought not even be an issue though.

    xxoo



  456.  #456Starla on July 17, 2012 at 2:06 pm

    Linda, yes, I’m a total bridge-jumper.



  457.  #457Dominique on July 17, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Miss Bells – Wishing a very happy birthday. And as for HS, this has happened before, several times. Please leave. Please go and enjoy your SPECIAL day with those who celebrate, you, love and appreciate you.

    xxoo



  458.  #458Starla on July 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    maybe i just need to smother CL a bit so that he pulls back, and then I’ll feel attracted, ha ha ha ha



  459.  #459Shar lean way back on July 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    Starla, have a feeling there will be a lot to choose from in your case 🙂



  460.  #460bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    starla, i keep typing you long messages & then deleting them before i hit submit, but enjoy your feelings & new experiences… : ) love you…



  461.  #461Dominique on July 17, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    Tam – I mentioned this before, but maybe you didn’t see it. A man who loves and adores you and cares for you wouldn’t even consider talking about other women in your presence and probably not even when you aren’t around. He may or may not notice attractive women, but if he does, it’s not a negative. He will notice and just as quickly have forgotten about her.

    xxoo



  462.  #462siren song on July 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    ((Starla))

    I felt super-triggered for guy who loves me after a good date with a guy. It’s your NVs kicking in trying to set you back, like a healing crisis.

    This is progress!



  463.  #463Starla on July 17, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    awww i want to seeeee, bloom-ing. why oh why would you censor yourself to me:)



  464.  #464ruth on July 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    Tam
    It feels good to hear you say what you *do* want

    hang onto that

    You deserve no less



  465.  #465ruth on July 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    Rebecca , maybe you coild just be neutral for a bit
    Just, not negative

    Till it feels safer



  466.  #466Daria on July 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    “And – in just being, things get done. Things happen. You move, you talk, you feel – it just comes from a completely different place inside you.”



  467.  #467siren song on July 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    I want a sexy man who wants to be close to me. I want a man who wants to grow old with me!



  468.  #468Smile on July 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Tam, I read an email from Rori today which you might find helpful. It’s not the same situation but it’s talking about ‘other women’ I will find it and post it incase you haven’t seen it.

    ((tam))

    Ps ex of 2 years asked me out for a coffee!!! I still haven’t heard from strumming man



  469.  #469Daria on July 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    yay i just pushed my thermostat a lil higher and it feels like my vibe is lifting

    yayah 🙂



  470.  #470Smile on July 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    So how can Emily stop pushing him away, complaining and telling him what to do about this woman?

    1. First – she can STOP talking about her at all.

    That’s right. Not one mention. Not one complaint. Not one question.

    If her husband should bring her up – such as “Let’s have her over for dinner, okay?” – Emily has to say what she feels and what she DOESN’T want in this situation.

    That could look like: “I feel uncomfortable having her over. I feel jealous of her, and angry with you about her, and I don’t like feeling that, so I don’t want her in our house.”

    And then she stands there for a moment and listens to what he has to say. If he tries to convince her, she just sticks to the same words: “I feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to invite her over…” And then she can walk away from the conversation.

    Or, she can go with “Sure.” And let her come over so she can see for herself.

    2. Next, she needs to use all my Tools to start fresh in her marriage. (My audio program Reconnect Your Relationship is perfect for this. It will help her “Change Everything” – her “vibe,” the way her husband relates to her – everything):

    Bring Him Close Again
    3. This is all about changing her “energy”… from being “combative” and “challenging” with her husband because she feels so mushy and weak on the inside, to feeling so strong inside that she can be a soft, alluring, magnetic woman on the outside.

    This is where Emily needs to get a handle on her own emotions.

    If you’ve read any of these letters, you know I’m not about “hiding” your emotions, or “changing” them, or “distracting yourself” from even your most unpleasant feelings – instead, Emily has to dive in and become AWARE of how her feelings are hurting her and her marriage.

    And in order to become aware of your true feelings, you have to feel them. And once you can feel them, in order to create true intimacy with a man, you have to be able to EXPRESS your feelings with him in a way that doesn’t push him away – as Emily is doing by attacking him, trying to get him to act differently… trying to get him to LOVE her.

    Why Your Words Are SO Important

    Expressing your feelings in an authentic way not only lets a man see who you are and get close to you because of your vulnerability – it allows him to feel SAFE with you.

    For most of us, this kind of instruction sounds like a direction to “have a serious talk about the relationship.” But that’s NOT what works.

    Later on, Emily might be able to say “I feel bad about our marriage. It would feel so good to be close to you again…” But that’s WAY later.

    Now, Emily needs to say things like “This feels so fun,” whenever there’s a moment of fun between them. Emily needs to get into her own sexuality and sensuality and feel happy when she’s around him by finding things in her life that she can be happy about. She has to take her focus off of him and find a way to experience happy moments for herself.

    And then, she can share them with him – like, “It felt so good to take a walk just now. I could feel the breeze on my face and the air felt so clean…”

    Taking The Focus Off Him…So He Focuses On You



  471.  #471Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    461 thanks Dominique, that has just sealed it for me that I don’t feel happy to carry on in that vein. I don’t want to make anymor excuses for it because it feels bad. period.
    I may tell him, I may not. I may just choose to quietly slip away.
    Thank you



  472.  #472bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    tam, i’m not sure how other men are or how this man is when you share your feelings with him, but i do know that my man told me that he hasn’t “checked out” a girl since he met me & that he would never check out a girl in front of, so if i ever think that, i can just know that that is not why he is looking. he also says that i can assume that he will look at a beautiful woman, but it is just part of taking in the world – being aware of one’s surroundings – & enjoying the beauty that is : )

    i hear the difference he’s talking about as being the difference between “seeing” & “seeking” – of course he sees – of course he has no reason to seek

    i don’t want to tell you what to do or how to feel, but i hear “i’d do her” as “seeking” behavior, not merely “seeing” & that would feel awful to me

    ((((tam))))



  473.  #473Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Thank you Smile, so helpful!!



  474.  #474Smile on July 17, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    Oops I missed the first part off 470

    I’m having trouble trying to understand my husband. He’s distant with me… He has a lady friend at work, which I don’t like because whenever she has problems she calls him and my husband tries to be there for her. I keep telling him ‘she has a husband why does she have to tell you her problems?’. We are having problems because of her. I try to understand but my feelings and anger and hurt gets in the way… also trust. My husband wants to be family friends with this woman and I don’t want that – he just doesn’t understand me.

    He calls her everyday even if they see each other at work. He doesn’t give me as much attention as he does her. He also told me he doesn’t love me or have feelings for me.

    Ever since she has entered our life it’s been problems. What do you think I should do? I’m very hurt and confused. I want him back to feeling the way he used to. Thanks Emily”

    A. I just want to wrap my arms around Emily and hug her – and I also want to shake her.

    I know you can see that everything she’s thinking about this situation, and everything she’s doing and saying is just making it worse – and yet I know that when you’re right in the middle of something that feels so awful, you don’t know what else to do.

    Let’s pull apart what’s happening here, and why what Emily’s doing isn’t working:

    Emily’s husband has lost his “feelings” for her.
    He’s met a woman at work who interests him enough to want to talk to her every day, even after spending the whole day at work with her.
    Because he feels bad, and doesn’t want to end the marriage, he wants to keep this woman in his life with Emily’s blessing, so he’s trying to get Emily to accept her as “Okay” – he wants to make her a “family friend.”
    Emily’s understandably upset… but…
    She’s focused on this Other Woman – when she should be focused on HERSELF.
    Bottom line, the problem is not this woman, it’s in Emily’s inability to attract her husband to her in a deep, emotional, intimate and cheat-proof way.

    So, How Does She Turn All This Around Fast?

    First, Emily needs to understand that this is about her and her relationship with her husband, and take charge again of herself instead of complaining about this woman.

    Next, she needs to stop feeling jealous and start looking at the day-to-day life she has with her husband. She needs to start seeing when and how he lost romantic interest in her, and then make some changes to get it back.

    I’m not saying her husband’s blameless – but you can’t make a man feel something he doesn’t feel by TELLING him to. You can’t ORDER him to love you.

    If he’s behaving in an intolerable way, and you don’t want to make the changes that need to be made to save the marriage, then you can leave.

    But You Can’t Push A Man Into Romance

    You have to INVITE him.

    And you have to invite him to romance you even if you’re feeling sad, angry, resentful, and everything else Emily must be feeling right now.

    Sound impossible? It’s not. It just takes some new skills.

    So how can Emily stop pushing him away, complaining and telling him what to do about this woman?



  475.  #475ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    It’s getting worse by the hour 🙁 Now false accusations regarding me & threats.



  476.  #476bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    ((((tam))))



  477.  #477siren song on July 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    PS day 32 no leaning forward with any man. Feels liberating!!



  478.  #478Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    472 thank you blooming, same here. Actually, it was slightly different, I guess, because that reference ‘I’d do her’ he only said when I was asking him when he remarked about a pretty girl..I said ‘ah, and would you date her’ and he said ‘no, but…’ he’d have sex with her basically. To put it into context he hasn’t done anything with anyone else for two years while I had..ummm…2 serious lovers and 1 serious bf during that time…
    But I do not like it and think it is disrespectful, yeah.
    And if anything should ever ever happen between us again that is a non-negotiable.

    I know that he is like this always, like I said, his friend’s wives are not very fond because he will try to egg on the other guys and say ‘oh look at that hottie’ and the other guys just mumble quietly or nod and the wives get upset…because it is horrible. I just used to shrug my shoulders because I know him, it had at some point ceased to bother me because it got less and less…and then came back. I believe it is part of his issues to act out so much.
    We are talking about a guy who is too shy to initiate affections, hold hands or whatever. I saw it as him doing the peacock thing…when he is in reality very shy.
    But you know, it’s annoying me now.



  479.  #479Smile on July 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    ((receivIng girl))

    Can you distance yourself? Is contact by phOne? Can you turn it off?



  480.  #480Belle on July 17, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    I’ve been reading the comments for a while and notice there is a lot of stuff posted not really related to the topic, so I’m wondering if I can ask for some help here?

    I had a brief emotional affair with a man at work, a total bad-boy, player. We got a little physical in the office and very flirtatious but not sex and NO communication outside of work (we work in an environment where lots of inappropriate behavior goes unchecked). I knew he had a ‘harem’ but my feelings were so strong and he was expressing his feelings to me, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend until later.
    Anyway…finally the reality of it hit me hard, and so I ended all unecessary contact and put boundaries in place. I worked through my feelings, but noticed that all along, even though I felt enormous attraction and lust and tender feelings, there was always an undercurrent of fear. I noticed today how relieved I was when he did not play cards with our usual group at lunch (haven’t had physical contact for weeks).
    Today I gave him my speech before he left work.
    “I notice how anxious and nervous and fearful I feel when you are near me, and it feels uncomfortable. I almost feel like I want to throw up just saying this to you. I feel a little confused by the push-pull attraction between us and overwhelmed by my feelings. I don’t want to keep feeling this way, I don’t want you to have to leave at lunch, and I don’t want to have to hole up in my office at lunch, either. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?”
    And I backed up.
    The HE backed up. He shook his head in HUGE surprise as if he had NEVER heard this before (I’ve told him my feelings in the moment before), and kept saying, “Wow. Wow.” And he KEPT backing up. So I backed up another step, and said, “This actually feels pretty good right now, I feel more relaxed with you being at a distance.”
    He was flabbergasted, told me he had already planned not to hang out with us at lunch for the rest of the week, shook his head again and again, and told me he would have to think about it and get back with me, wished me a good afternoon and left.

    I hate that I feel so combative with him, he likes to fight, and something about him makes me really really want to hit him! (I wish I had mentioned those feelings but I didn’t). The more my head clears though the more I just want him to go the eff away and get out of my life. But we work together.
    So.
    Why do I feel such strong feelings of wanting to hit him??!!
    I feel like I’m right to be nervous and anxious, he *is* a player, and I’ve been a doormat and am learning to be stronger. I feel crazy with the push-pull of trying to make nice with the guy who hurt me *and* his girlfriend.
    I feel like I’ve been high off of the anxiety and fear for several months and now that I’ve been honest with myself and feeling my feelings fully, it’s making me appropriately sick instead. I feel weird and confused that the other woman we work with is good friends with him, hangs out with him outside of work, and she can be with him so easily and isn’t attracted to him at all. I feel like I should be able to do that and feel like I’m doing something wrong by not being able to just accept him being a player without it bothering me.

    Can anyone help me out here??!!



  481.  #481Smile on July 17, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    Tam, I would not respond to the email. Only if he asks about my not responding message would I use a feeling message.

    What do you think?



  482.  #482Starla on July 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    yay siren song
    i’m on day like 298730283 NC with CF. I lost track.



  483.  #483Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    after we had no contact for a month, I had kinda vowed to now spend 4 weeks to try to just experiment with feeling nmessages and leaning back and after almost two weeks find it hard to carry on, but perhaps I will do it for another 2 and if I still get triggered like this just let it go. I know I can let go anytime because I have done it plenty of times before, I just felt to try something different.
    But if I get too much taken off my path then it’s not even worth another two weeks of my time



  484.  #484Smile on July 17, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Starla, I remember when you first started nc. You were trying to get to 30 days if I remember! Yey you!



  485.  #485Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    480 – thank you Smile. I might just do that, which would let the convo go dead…he has a habit of thinking I am not interested so when I don’t answer he will also go into shell for a bit. He’ll be back but not for a while.
    I don’t feel to answer right now. Maybe it will change, but I am not inspired to any message, let alone a feeling message 🙂



  486.  #486Smile on July 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    I’m on day 9 nc with strumming man. I feel no desire to lean forward either. I’ve shifted to thinking his behaviour is rude not replying about the wedding when he said he would let me know last tue.
    Nc is easier when there is another guy on the scene. I’m open to meeting him for coffee.



  487.  #487Belle on July 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    Oh, I just read https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/what-to-do-with-an-imaginary-relationship/
    and I pretty much did this!
    I got my nose pierced, designed a tat for myself (ran out of $$ for it, though), and started hooping and spinning poi when I feel stressed or sleepy at work even though I know it looks weird. I started drawing more, and even though I’m flat broke I’ve been designing art for my home in my mind. I know I need a different job, but I’m in therapy for old trauma now, helping re-wire my brain and am super-sensitive to confusion and get triggered easily so for now it’s okay, I don’t have much responsibility. He won’t harass me, when I said NO MORE it was done, no flirting, no touching, no chit-chat, no personal conversations. On his own he decided to ask me about work subjects only.
    So…I don’t know what will happen but I think it’s okay and I’m on the right track.



  488.  #488Starla on July 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm

    I still want to contact him and ask him why on earth I didn’t get the decency of a two way conversation or a goodbye after 9 months of being so close. I still wonder if he heard something untrue about me or something.



  489.  #489Tam on July 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    485 yay, Smile, sounds good!!!



  490.  #490siren song on July 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    yay starla!

    he emailed me last week, but it was some boring link that i felt ‘me’ about so i didn’t respond. i feel BOOOORED of him. 🙂



  491.  #491siren song on July 17, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    i mean felt ‘meh’ about



  492.  #492Daria on July 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Receiving Girl – wow i wouldn’t feel comfortable if a man allowed that kind of ‘drama’ in my energy space

    i would look at how im feeling around him and in this situation its – uncomfortable, awful, tense, scared, angry, etc

    its not his fault – its never anyones fault – and yet i want to feel good with a man and not have the drama in his life spilling over on me when im just starting to date him



  493.  #493Smile on July 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Starla 486 maybe you could read more around closure? I would feel the same too, I would want to know why also.



  494.  #494Smile on July 17, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    Thanks tam



  495.  #495Starla on July 17, 2012 at 3:06 pm

    lol, my downstairs neighbor posted another ad on craigslist for me in “missed connections”
    lol

    aww men want me
    ((((((men)))))))



  496.  #496Daria on July 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Receiving Girl – also, only recently have i started to get into this perspective.

    before i would be very protective of the man and of course it was not his fault or his repsonsibility type of thinking

    but more recently ive found myself just staying with myself and noticng i feel bad



  497.  #497bloom-ing on July 17, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    ooh i get this urgency feeling between work-home & home-work………. i intend to honor my transition period as i make this shift between World & Home : ) thank you : )



  498.  #498Femininewoman on July 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Starla she saw him as “the One”. She said it was like something lifted from her eyes but she so did not want it. I think it is her interview with VFClark. VFClark also shared a similar experience. For most of us love is scary. Now I remember that quote of Marianne Williamson about Our Greatest Fear.



  499.  #499Starla on July 17, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    I think one of the biggest issues i’m struggling with when it comes to CL is that his personality does not match his looks at all. He LOOKS like a completely different kind of person.

    I hope he lets me take it slow and doesn’t pressure me to give him some sort of answer about how i feel about him.



  500.  #500Starla on July 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    gosh i have some serious issues coming up here when it comes to receiving from available men

    i keep ‘tricking’ myself into believing it’s about his looks but its not. if he seemed not into me, i would probably want him.

    and i feel so hateful and judgmental towards myself for it, which gets translated into a similar attitude towards him.

    And I think it’s time to put on that soundtrack in my head: “love to me, love to me, forgiveness to me…”

    (((((((((me))))))))))

    okay time for japanese class.



  501.  #501Miss Bells on July 17, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    Thank you to all of you!!!!
    I am going to get dressed and cook chicken and cous cous, then welcome 8 close friends that I feel absolutely sure of into my home (for now) and enjoy what I can of this day. They all know what’s up, but will not spill the beans.
    This will be over soon…

    Once I am out, the hard part will come when he goes in pursuit mode (as he has the last 3 times). I will not pick-up, or email back, and he won’t know where I am. I may need a support group.



  502.  #502ulii on July 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Well….

    I just deleted him from my Skype, the NZ cd. I feel too angry to explain that to him now with any feeling messages by mail.
    I have been doubting if to do this before, and somehow have not, partly let him convince me, and partly, because I don’t want to lose contact and have thought I can handle this imaginary chat relationship as “only friends” too. And some days I do, but others it just gets too painful, as I obviously have expectations of some meaningful communication and when I just get one word sentences, I feel so hurt.

    Just that we had a short talk “how you’re doing?” “I’m fine”..etc And he said, he has to catch the train but he’ll be back later online to talk to me. And…I waited quite some time, but he wasn’t back. So, I just got to feel so overwhelmed and angry and bad about it all and deleted him right that moment. Like that would be the last drop in my glass of negative emotions before it started to flow over. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

    I know I will be regretting, but maybe it is for the best? He will know I have deleted him, and probably from his side everything is ok and there is a reason for how he acts. So I feel a bit bad not giving any explanation to him. But still too angry and like also…I don’t care, let him think whatever he wants.. 🙁
    You think I should still send him a mail letting him know I felt so bad?..well… I know you can not give me my answers… although I would like somebody to tell me what to do. I feel so clueless about this.



  503.  #503ReceivingGirl on July 17, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Daria

    I understand and respect what you are saying. As you said too, it’s not his fault. He has no control over her. I told him how I was feeling. Do you know, he is the first guy I’ve felt comfortable enough with (trust enough) to immediately say how I am f