Does Your Family Trigger You Intensely – And What To Do With It

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intimacyThe answer of what do I do when I feel shaky, frustrated, andΒ  compelled to “fix” the tension in the room is…nothing.

Do nothing.

Feel everything, do nothing.

Otherwise – we start to do, and then we trigger even more, and then we’re into a cycle of: do->trigger->do more->trigger more….

I was at a family “event.”

Conflict is a given. Tension is a given. People stuffing feelings, insult, outrage, all covered over with smiles.

I was jumping out of my skin. I was feeling more and more compelled to DO something. To “fix” the problem, to bring the factions together, to open the feelings to the air…

I was triggered mightily.

Depending on our personalities, we feel compelled to “do” different things:

If we’re a reasonable, intellectual sort, we might feel compelled to “talk,” to “discuss,” to “win-over” in a reasonable, negotiating style.

If we’re more expert at hiding our feelings, we might “make friends” with everyone – laughing and hugging, and being good and kind to everyone, all the while feeling totally different inside – perhaps actually wanting to hit the person we’re talking to – but we smile instead.

If we’re more openly emotional, we might cry share with someone how they’re making us feel – how their behavior “hurts” us.

What we do with our families is what we do with men.

We take over and try to put the loose ends together. We try to pretend all is well. We rage and cry.

I wanted to do it all. I tried. I talked, I pretended all was well, and the next day I cried.

And when I was in the middle of it – it felt completely WRONG to just sit there, enjoy a conversation with someone who was not part of the tension and conflict and drama, and do nothing.

And you know why it felt wrong?

Because – just like most of us – inside me, I’m addicted to drama.

Drama brings out the actress in me – the sense of aliveness I remember as a child when I was struggling to survive as an individual person instead of as an extension of my parents and surroundings.

Yes – it feels TERRIBLE – and it feels like home.

For a moment.

So what do we do instead?

Back to the beginning of this post: Nothing. Do nothing.

Essentially: Be still. Do nothing. Look within. Feel everything.

Love, Rori

 

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180 Comments

  1.  #1prplpsn28 on October 2, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    Hmm



  2.  #2Femininewoman on October 2, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    Only my mother



  3.  #3Zia on October 3, 2014 at 12:33 am

    Love it. We can practice this any time!



  4.  #4Sapphire on October 3, 2014 at 3:35 am

    Hi all
    I do this with strangers too. Last weekend I had a bolt of realisation hit me.
    I was at the bank with my husband (married in July).
    There was an elderly lady struggling with the banking system – was trying to read out her pin number for cashier to put into the cashpoint machine. My emotions where all over the place, I felt anxious and tight and my default was to go and help but hubby said no dont get Involved. I was emotional to the point of having tears in my eyes. It made me realise how for me to feel safe in a situation (even not my situation) I have to go fix it. I am still processing this. It feels strange as now Rori has posted this article. My decision this week before reading this was to do nothing- feel my feelings but not act and this article reaffirms my decision. Its going to be hard to change my pattern but I so need to develop my non-overfunctioning muscle.
    Sapphire x



  5.  #5Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 5:32 am

    “Feel everything” “do nothing”.
    This is so hard for me! I’ve been stuffing my feelings my entire life and my boy energy always takes over. I’m trying to feel, and right now I am feeling anger! Oh sooooo much anger, mainly at myself. Anger at him. I let him do it to me again. Why can’t I stop, why can’t I let him go!

    I feel stupid and foolish.



  6.  #6IamHis on October 3, 2014 at 5:47 am

    “What we do with our families is what we do with men.” Wow. I shut down, feel shakey, small, and scared and go into flight mode. So, we do nothing? What about using the tools? Sinking into our feelings, speaking our feelings? Using the tools isn’t doing nothing to me. I have to remember them, or else I shut down and clam up. Hmm….



  7.  #7Indigo on October 3, 2014 at 7:22 am

    IamHis,

    I think Rori means “do nothing” in the sense of, don’t try to fix things.



  8.  #8Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Indigo…
    Are you enjoying working the short days?



  9.  #9prplpsn28 on October 3, 2014 at 8:01 am

    I stuff my feelings and clam up also. Uuugh! I’m sure that’s part of what happened with H. Haven’t heard from him since he tried to come over almost 3 wks ago. He knows he overstepped my boundery. Part of me respects him cuz he has respected my boundery but another part of me is pi**ed off thinking that cuz I wouldn’t give him what he wanted he no longer wants contact with me.



  10.  #10Kim on October 3, 2014 at 8:41 am

    Azure Blu, I read your comments on last thread. I am sorry…this feels sad



  11.  #11Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Indigo #333
    Thank you for your support darling Siren!!!

    Yes, is religious beliefs are in the same realm as
    someone wanting children…
    He should NOT and Cannot alter this core belief
    that EVERYONE MUST conform to what his church teaches or they will go to Hell…

    I said to him…
    “Heaven sounds like a lonely place to me, if that is the case…
    I like people… I don’t want to go to heaven if that is how it looks” He laughed… always such a good since of humor… BUT it still is his belief…



  12.  #12Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 9:07 am

    (((Kim))) thank you for your empathy…
    it feels good to me…
    I am feeling a little better today!



  13.  #13teresa on October 3, 2014 at 9:14 am

    ((((((Azure))))))

    I am so sorry…..
    xxoo



  14.  #14Kim on October 3, 2014 at 9:27 am

    On the topic of forever nen…and what some have posted here. I also don’t think MoM is my forever man. He feels nice to be with, we have fun..it’s all cushy and he treats me well…but something is missing. I don’t know what.
    We also have a different way of thinking, I am so much more gung ho, he is so slow and hesitant.
    He is really into dogs. I like dogs, all animals but I don’t want one (too much hassle and responsibility).
    He goes crazy over them…like a child crazy. It freaks me out. Yesterday, we say a pitbull and it was on the loose and boisterous and I thought it was not a great thing to let it loose on a beach with kids, nevermind a beach where dogs are not allowed.
    He immediately had a go at me. Saying I was mean.
    Later on, he said ‘my sister is like me, she likes all animals and doesn’t stop at pitbulls’.
    I saw that as a dig. The common denominator here is that they are all crazy animal lovers…I love animals too, but I also relate to people above animals…I guess. I see that is ex is obsessed with her cats (they are like children), him and his sister are big animal lovers…and neither of these people have many people in their lives and are all single as well…he said he prefers most animals over people.
    I kinda get that but part of me screams ‘no’. I know he would rather have dogs than kids…and I would rather have neither and keep my freedom or have a child.
    I feel judgmental about it…because I honestly felt threatened when he made that comment.
    As though there is something wrong with me because I don’t prefer animals over people.



  15.  #15Kim on October 3, 2014 at 9:31 am

    And the big issue always having been that he is too slow, for me, in moving things forward.
    I feel that especially in my situation, when he sees how much I struggle and my situation and our car/driving around situation might be solved if we considered living together.
    The fact that he never even mentions this, has now got me feeling very blah about it all.
    I enjoy the time with him, but I still don’t see this going anywhere fast or anywhere at all.
    The good thing being that I am ok with it and have not given up my other options…I know that when I start to want more, I would probably stop CDing him. As long as I can take/leave it, it feels ok to carry on..



  16.  #16Femininewoman on October 3, 2014 at 9:37 am

    prplpsn!!! πŸ™‚

    You upped your degree of difficult and your attractiveness factor. If you could only change your self-talk so the Uggh factor naturally drops out as you begin to revel in your sensuality and raise your vibration so that the thing you want naturally gravitate towards you like metal to a magnet.



  17.  #17Femininewoman on October 3, 2014 at 9:40 am

    ” I am so much more gung ho, he is so slow and hesitant.”

    This suggests to me that the energy vibrations don’t match.



  18.  #18Kim on October 3, 2014 at 9:54 am

    FW…part of me feels it is good to get slowed down sometimes..but yesterday he was faffing with my kakay for so long, on something that takes me 2 minutes with the same result…..I ended up grabbing it out of his hand because I just couldn’t face just standing there watching it any longer longer..lol.
    He looked shocked.
    I don’t have a lot of patience generally. I have worked on this but…in the end we are who we are..



  19.  #19Kim on October 3, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Having said that. He is thorough, with everything.
    I like that trait, too. I am scatty…and fast…and superficial with a lot of things



  20.  #20Femininewoman on October 3, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Kim have you ever checked out personality types?

    Phlegmatic, Melancholy, Sanguine and Choleric?



  21.  #21Kim on October 3, 2014 at 10:11 am

    At one point, not recently FW… πŸ™‚
    I actually love being with someone who is more stable and quieter than me…but he is on the other extreme end. It feels great and calming sometimes…other times I just want to shake him lol



  22.  #22Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 10:42 am

    Kim,

    #18, I’m sorry, but what is “faffing with my kakay”? Lol



  23.  #23Kim on October 3, 2014 at 10:52 am

    LOL…uhmm…I meant to write faffing (fiddling) with my kayak.
    You made it sound a lot more exciting..



  24.  #24Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Azure,

    I’m so sorry for the distress you feel right now about Spirit, but, isn’t it better that you two realize it now, instead of later on when you have truly gotten to know each other so much
    more?

    Have you CD’d with other men, at all, in the brief time you’ve been with him?
    I believe the first 3-4 months is when we have our best “faces”/personalities showing and then, especially after physical intimacy, the real person begins to emerge.



  25.  #25Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Oh ok, I just thought maybe they were new “s€x terms” that I hadn’t heard yet! (Thanks, I truly needed a good giggle today)!!!!



  26.  #26Kim on October 3, 2014 at 11:02 am

    24 Sassy, that’s a very wise statement…regarding the 3/4 months. A lot of guys weed themselves out of the rotation when things start to get real…



  27.  #27Kim on October 3, 2014 at 11:03 am

    25…Sassy..giggle? It made me LOL…amongst people who clearly think I am crazy now for laughing in a corner by myself for no apparent reason..



  28.  #28Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 11:15 am

    Kim,
    Don’t worry about them, they just wish they could have a good laugh!



  29.  #29Indigo on October 3, 2014 at 11:18 am

    Azure Blu,

    Yes I am working short days – 3 days now! It was so lovely to finish early on a Friday πŸ™‚



  30.  #30Indigo on October 3, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Azure Blu,

    Agree – religion, like children, is not something one should have to change one’s views about for one’s partner. I believe in these kinds of things people should have what is important to them, and you can either live with it, or you can’t.

    x



  31.  #31Indigo on October 3, 2014 at 11:24 am

    On the subject of this post, my favourite show is a show called Mcleod’s Daughters. It went off the air a few years ago, but I still love to watch it regularly for a pick-me-up. What is so striking for me about this show is how accepting the main characters are of each other, and of each other’s struggles. None of them ever overfunction. They love each other, fiercely, through sometimes impossible odds – but by and large, they let each make mistakes, and they let each other be themselves, with all their flaws. They express their emotions, sometimes explosively and flambuoyantly, and it all blows over really quickly because everyone gives each other space and just allows things to be what they are, without trying to fix it. They are just there for one another. Not in a gushy, sentimental way, but just in a real, practical way.

    I love this. It makes me feel so safe and inspired watching it.



  32.  #32Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 11:30 am

    18 – Kim and sassy ha ha made me laugh out loud too – when you read back Kim’s whole statement it could be one long double entendre πŸ™‚ that made it doubly funny – I might start using the phrase ‘faffing with my kayak :)”



  33.  #33Kim on October 3, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Sophie..you’re welcome to keep that addition to your vocabulary lol πŸ™‚



  34.  #34Kim on October 3, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Actually, 18….yes…it could well be a whole double meaning thing…HA!
    Except, he is very good in bed….no complaints. πŸ™‚



  35.  #35Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 11:55 am

    Kim & Sassy…
    Ohhhh… :-)))
    Sooo funny… made me laugh…

    FW – I love this list –
    Phlegmatic, Melancholy, Sanguine and Choleric



  36.  #36Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    Sassy… #24
    Thank you for your kind thoughts about Spirit and me…
    Yes, i totally agree… better to discuss this issue now, before we get too entangled
    yes cding for the first 2 months… then we we were exclusive.for the last month..
    I’ve cd everyday… just not actual dates…

    I didn’t realize guys changed too after physical intimacy… I’m curious to know…
    what has been your experience?



  37.  #37Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 12:17 pm

    So as I am currently living with my parents I guess this is a perfect opportunity for practicing new behaviours. Especially with my dad, who I think probably is quite a masculine man. The one that’s up there quite a lot at the moment is: I think I talk too much around him and he struggles to find the point when I am trying to explain things and I sense irritation in him (real or perceived who knows) probably perceived because I’ll then be confrontational about him finding me irritating and he’ll look completely bewildered – okay so this is my stuff – what do I do with it? Go away with the feelings and explore them as being my stuff rather than attempt to express myself? I need to know the answer to this cos I do want to change the pattern in myself πŸ™‚ one pattern I suppose is filling a space with words. The other pattern is ‘telling other people what they think based on my sense of what I think they think’ – Yuk – help please!!!



  38.  #38Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Azure Blu – I’m following this too cos it can feel so confusing and hurtful when there’s a change after physical intimacy – did you see Rori’s newsletter today? I felt quite curious about it…it was about men pulling away after being very full on and being confusing – not exactly the same as your situation but I feel curious about this topic anyway. I’ve experienced it. xxx



  39.  #39Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    37 – okay I guess Rori says the answer – do nothing. look within. feel everything. – I’m going to really try applying myself to this



  40.  #40Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    33/34 – ha ha πŸ™‚



  41.  #41Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    sophie #37
    Ohhhh… How BRAVE and insightful you are lovely Siren!!!
    what a GREAT opportunity to heal AND observe where you got some of YOUR old patterns…

    After deciding I wanted to heal some of my first family issues (beginning 10 yrs ago) I started working on my relationship with my Mom…
    Slowly as I felt more calm about triggers…I would ask her questions –
    does that mean you miss me?
    When you do that, is it because you are worried about me?…
    At first she would say NO! and slowly but surely as I shared MY love for HER…
    we began to heal…
    She actually can say now and then
    That she misses me… and that she loves me!!
    It is a magical how our relationship has grown so intimate and close
    We give each other UNCONDITIONAL love!!!



  42.  #42Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    41 – I feel really intrigued to try the questions Azure Blu – because that for me would be understanding what IS actually going on for the other person rather than me attributing meaning. I shall ponder a combination of the two – doing nothing and really sinking into my feelings- I need to learn this one desperately – I am somewhat emotionally incontinent (as an astrologer once told me πŸ™‚ ha ha ) and being curious as to what is actually going on for the other person. Creating more understanding from which to operate. That feels wonderful the journey with your mum πŸ™‚ mine with my parents has been similar, after years of intense anger and pain between us we somehow changed the dynamic – I had seven plus years of therapy and for a while had to separate myself from them entirely but I feel such gratitude and love for them, that all of us did what we could to hold that pain, keep moving forward and create something that looked and felt more like the love that it always was. I know I am a very very lucky woman that my parents were prepared to take that journey too. Unconditional as you say. I feel gratitude for that daily xxx



  43.  #43Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    Sophie ohhh… the journey you shared, with your parents is amazing!!
    Yes… my curiosity was VERY hard at first… and me simply listening to the answer and letting it hang there… or saying thank you for sharing…
    I need to practice that with my cds MORE…
    I can see how I am still in the pushing and controlling instead of being CURIOUS about WHO THEY are!!
    That is MY next challenge.. :-+



  44.  #44Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Sophie,
    Yes, I did go and read the Rori newsletter…
    Very similar to what happened with Spirit and me…
    He persued me for 8 months off and on texting and meet ups (just friends) until in July he asked me out and I said yes…

    I’m doing counseling with Natalina to try and understand my pattern (subconscious)
    of pushing men away…
    I think I’m being all soft on the outside and strong on the inside…
    BUT it seems in subtle ways
    I AM STILL NOT being an invitation…
    I want to CHANGE that pattern!!!



  45.  #45Kim on October 3, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    (((Azure Blu))) and the others..my experience with intimacy has been that it scares some guys, for whatever reason, but those guys have never turned out right for me.
    The ones that I dated longer term got more keen and more attached with physical intimacy. I guess it depends.
    I have just never had a positive experience with a guy who withdraws, and then comes back.

    Azure, I am also often guilty (i think) of pushing men away….but when I analyze deep down, there is often a reason why things didn’t work out and it had just as much to do with them, where they were in life, and what they wanted and what they could or couldn’t do.
    A little bit like the ‘leading the horse to water’ thing.
    I do believe that the right man won’t be pushed away, actually. I guess there ARE limits to that, but essentially this is my belief…and it is how it usually happens.
    Even the wrong ones, if they are keen, they cling on for ‘dear life’. To a large part, I believe it depends on a man’s attraction and feelings for a woman, plus whether he can actually DO intimacy, on whether he is easier pushed away or not…

    I was pretty annoying with MoM on the last few dates we had. I almost annoyed mysefkf by being annoying, closed up and kind of confrontational. He triggered me A Lot.
    I suspect I triggered him too.
    Haven’t heard from him at all today lol.
    He is getting ready to spend the weekend with his sister and said he wanted me to join in for some activities but was pretty vague about times and days. I am sure the reason he was getting vague was me being a pita for the last few dates lol.
    Actually, I am going to get busy and be doimg other stuff, including work stuff…I am going to enjoy the space, and I want to give him space to be with his sister.
    I need to CD, and meet some gf’s to recharge.
    And work.

    I know like the rubberband, he will be back full force though, so I do have to say: don’t be critical with yourself. Most always, a man is being pushed away because he wants to be. What I have been hearing from you, here on the blog, I find it hard to believe that you are NOT that warm and open lady that we all hear here. Much love to you … I for one, always find fault with me when things go wrong, but sometimes IT IS what it is and it might not have been meant to be for many other reasons (including spiritual beliefs)…



  46.  #46Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    43 – absolutely me too! I need to lean back and listen more too – I have quite hetic energy I always want to jump in especially if i feel inspired or passionate

    44 – that feels good that you’re working with Natalina – I’m sure you’ll get there cos I’m sure I will too – in fact we are getting that one day at a time – we are all so fabulous πŸ™‚ xxx



  47.  #47Dominique on October 3, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Kim – 27 – I do this ALL the time, laughing out loud all by myself. I even talk to myself in public at times. lol

    xxoo



  48.  #48Kim on October 3, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Dominique…ha!
    I have a homeless buddy around here (they all know me, as I don’t have a car), and he always talks to himself as if there was another person there..and sometimes nicely, sometimes he is arguing quite heatedly with that person…he is taking it to an extreme..MoM commented on it repeatedly, and I remember saying ‘I don’t see anything wrong with that’….lol.
    It’s funny because I also find myself sometimes talking to myself when I think there is nobody about…usually someone *is* behind me….lol..
    Or that moment when I was walking the keys and singing out loud to that song ‘hey hey hey’ – I am the hottest b*tch in this place (it sure was hot) and two c 70 year olds, just that moment, cycled past me…totally shocked. Shaking heads. Ha ha ha. I had been on a deserted road for hours. HOURS! Just cars.
    Sometimes the timing is exquisite πŸ˜‰



  49.  #49Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Dominique & Kim—
    ME TOO!!! i’m always singing and talking out loud to ME!!! and I’ll look up and… ooops… there is someone looking at me! :-))
    LOVE IT!!! I used to get embarrassed But realized…
    LOTS of people do this… and i LOVE talking to ME!!!
    Kim… was the song… blurred lines? by Robin Thick?
    I LOVE That song!!!
    I’m smiling thinking about those guys on the bikes and YOU singing!!



  50.  #50Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    Kim #45!!!
    Awwww… yes!! Thanks for that vote of confidence!!!

    Yeah… it IS timing
    and how much adjusting DO I want to do?
    KS had such a angry spirit!!
    Like Dominique says… Can I accept him just the way HE is right NOW? NO!!!!

    And of course Spirit has all kinds of GREAT qualities… BUT withdrawing AFTER sex is REALLY odd to ME…
    I’ve NEVER experienced that before!!! Especially after PUSHING SOOOO HARD for it!!!
    They are ALWAYS running back FOR MUCH MORE!!!
    I’m just sayin>>> :->



  51.  #51Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 2:30 pm

    I believe that even though men don’t have the rush of oxytocin (the “love drug”), that women do, they do have the rush of dopamine which is the pleasure drug, and although they will tell us “it’s just sex”, I’m more inclined to think that’s ego talking. It’s been my experience that if we have begun a relationship with them, and have been physically intimate earlier rather than later, they (some, not all), get scared. And they go into flight mode.
    Some just can’t handle the feelings they are developing and figure if they poof, we are better off.
    As Steve Harvey says, don’t give up the “cookie” before the first 90 days. That way you are developing a potential relationship and in the next few months, the gloves come off, so to speak. Unfortunately for me, honestly, I’ve never been one to wait for that 90 days to go skipping by…and as such, they don’t stay.
    I’m learning though, yes I am! Co-dependent female that i am….



  52.  #52Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    Sassy… #51
    yeah… I see what You’re saying… it was almost 3 months!!! really if i take into account the first 8 months ( when he was texting and meeting every month or so) it was really at least that long!!
    Somehow it was too much for him…
    and then our religious differences…
    Adding the sex part to any relationship takes another level of adjustment… Good reminder! :-))



  53.  #53prplpsn28 on October 3, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    FW 16….thanks πŸ™‚



  54.  #54Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    Azure,
    I understand how Spririt could be concerned about the differences in your religious/spiritual beliefs, however, I seem to recall you wrote that he has been somewhat hypocritical in his actions, (ie sex with marriage; no drinking but yet you spent time in bars and drank wine at your home). And believe me, I am not judging him, but I wonder if this is something you discussed with him? Is he not open to compromise in that he could respect your beliefs as I see you respect his? Is the religious difference really the deal breaker here or is something else going on? Which, honestly is what I suspect.
    I hope you don’t feel I’m beating this to death, I just see your confusion and as we are close in age, I empathize with you.



  55.  #55Kim on October 3, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    Ha, Azure..I love that post…they are always coming back for more. Exactly!
    It is odd to me too, no matter how many coaches might say it’s ‘normal’….eh. Honestly, it had made the long term guys more keen on me.
    And we want long term.
    Some men are all about the chase.
    It reminded me of wild child. He tried so hard to capture me. Meeting parents and bla. In the end, when he had me, or almost had me, he messed up.
    He lied AGAIN.
    And he withdrew. And he was someone who, after we had sex, he was nowhere to be seen for almost a week. To me: very odd. He clung to me for 2 days and then vanished for a week.
    Occasionally, I see some stuff on my facebook…where he is with the supposed ‘ex’ helping her. He looks uncomfortable on the pictures. She looks over onfident and happy…and I just think to myselt: yup. There is the reason why he was so odd. And it had NOTHING to do with me.
    All with him and his baggage and ‘stuff’.
    Now I see it.
    And, sometimes I can’t help wondering whether all this hesitation and whatever else with MoM also has to do with all his stuff and his other attachments…and I knkw it doesn’t help us or serve us to dig into their minds…but…it doesn’t help us to criticize ourselves when they have no intention to come to the party anyway.
    Who knows.
    Who cares.
    Let’s bang our own drums and love ourselves….that will ALWAYS be there.
    πŸ™‚



  56.  #56Mandy on October 3, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    I was triggered worse this morning than I’ve been in a very long time with something having to do with J.

    I don’t want to get into explaining my problem, because I want some privacy about the issue…I feel disclosing exactly what’s triggering me today so badly will bring backlash and that’s the LAST thing I need right now, is criticism and tough love…it won’t work…

    But the point is, right now, with my utterly awful, downtrodden and hopeless feelings, I feel my will to even move today has diminished. I wanted to to go to the store and look around for costume pieces for a Halloween gathering today, and do all these fun things, but now I don’t even want to move. It’s one of those days I wish I hadn’t even gotten out of bed.

    I feel so utterly, completely down and awful inside I don’t even want to eat or get up out of my chair. And I’m doing just what the new article said…absolutely nothing.

    Just nothing. Just sitting and being in my feelings, not fighting it. You hear people say, get up and do something, don’t let yourself suffer like that…I’m wondering if it’s better for me to just rest and be still or to get up and do something. It’s already late in the day.

    I’m so tired

    I wish I was the moon tonight



  57.  #57Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    Mandy

    Hugs to you sweet siren. You’ve done so well in a short amount of time. Take this day to do nothing and ride out the feelings.
    And if you do get to the point of needing to express what happened, no doubt one of the coaches can help, or a private exchange with one of us if you are so inclined.



  58.  #58Femininewoman on October 3, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    Mandy if it is fun things that light you up, I’d do it. You would be doing something for you.



  59.  #59Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Sassy & Kim…
    Yes…. I suspect you are both right…
    there must be something else going on…
    His religion has rules:
    No sex without marriage
    No drinking
    No dancing
    I imagine alll the banging of the bible and
    forgiveness of sins has MOST to do with HIM!!!
    I never did ask him about that…
    Would have been a good question…

    It is still sad… BUT thanks to YOU darling Sirens I am feeling better today!! Thank you alll for your loving, warm, support!!



  60.  #60Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    Sister sirens, I have discovered a wonderful site regarding codependency.

    Much info especially if you have young daughters.

    It’s what.is.codependencydotcom….
    I think you know how to find the site.



  61.  #61Katja on October 3, 2014 at 3:57 pm

    Hi Sirens. My name is Katja and I’m new here! I’ve been reading Rori’s materials and blog for a long time but now I am finally ready to use them 100%.

    I feel desperate and sad because my on-and-off again boyfriend of 2 years is ignoring me. We had an argument on Sunday night and we haven’t spoken since then (it is now Friday night).

    Usually we text all day, every day. Sometimes we email. He always initiates. He used to call me on the phone but complained that we had nothing to talk about. He would often be silent and I would feel nervous and annoyed.

    Anyway, all that to say — this “cold shoulder” of 5 days is hurting me. I feel so sad, depressed teary, and hurt. My head feels achy from all the crying. I’m also angry, because I feel I don’t deserve to be ignored. And I feel worried that he’ll break up with me.

    The argument was about us being supportive and motivating for each other. I feel that I do that for him (it’s probably overfunctioning: helping him with his resume, looking for doctors, asking about his artistic pursuits). But I do NOT feel he does that for me.

    We talked for maybe 10 minutes until he abruptly turned over in bed, and growled “I don’t want to talk about this anymore! I’m going to sleep!” I felt SOOO angry that he “slammed the door in my face,” so to speak.

    I stormed off to get a glass of water, and when I came back, he said, “I don’t want us to go to bed angry. Let’s talk about this. I feel that I do motivate you in these ways: x, y, z.” But I was so enraged from being shut out that I didn’t want to speak. I feel manipulated when he controls how often we speak, when a conversation is over, and when it can be started again.

    All I said was, “I’m freezing” and he pointed out a blanket that was out of sight. Then he said, “I’m sleepy. Let’s talk about this in the morning.” Well, in the morning, he wouldn’t look me in the eye and we ignored each other all the way to work (separate offices) – on the street, bus and train!

    I must admit, I felt sentimental and scared on the train, worried that I might lose him, and I felt very tender towards him. So I leaned forward and put my head on his shoulder and linked my arm with his. He didn’t stiffen but he didn’t lean in. However, when his stop came, he said goodbye and gave me a kiss on the lips (although PDA makes me feel icky and I turned so it landed on my cheek).

    It’s important to know that in the past, when we’ve had fights, he often walked away/hung up/gone silent. And he usually ignored me for hours or days. Sometimes these ice-outs led to him breaking up with me, saying he felt he couldn’t be what I needed emotionally, etc. But these last five months we have had excellent communication and resolved every argument, though there have been few.

    I just reactivated my online dating profile today. We agreed on exclusivity over the summer but it doesn’t feel right to me. Still, I am heartbroken and don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what to do.



  62.  #62Femininewoman on October 3, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Sassy RE 51 I don’t think it is that they get scared. I understand that they work different than us. They need the challenge of earning what they get otherwise they don’t value it. Some guys have also told me that they hope the woman makes him wait. When it is given up early our value to them can diminish so they lose the attraction. If the woman sleeps with him early on we have to figure a way to make him still feel like he is chasing. I understand that most times after sex women kinda give themselves over to the man and shuts down themselves to other suitors.

    Men are scared about all kinds of things and I understand that when you give in early to them they kinda assume that you are also giving in early to other men. In their minds they can do it but you can’t.



  63.  #63Femininewoman on October 3, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    Azure if he believe those things then maybe his withdrawal could also be about him beating up on himself. I listened in on a summit about Healing Your Shadow today and the speaker was talking about how he shut down and out his sexual sensual side to appeal to his dad the Preacher who he was supposed to succeed. It was really eye opening for me. I can tell you though that many who carry those beliefs beat up on themselves and take a very long time to forgive themselves when they go against their core values and beliefs. They ostracize themselves before and even more than their community.



  64.  #64Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    FW #62
    Very interesting!

    It is very confusing to me…
    Yeah… the whole… If she gives in this easy to ME
    How easy is she with other guys…
    and REALLY I didn’t like how pushy he was sexually…
    It seemed disrespectful to ME…
    I should have made him stop…
    That was me loosening MY boundaries…
    Hind sight… I’ll remember this next time and
    set up clear boundaries!!



  65.  #65Dominique on October 3, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    Mandy – I’m so sorry you dear, sweet thing. Sending you lots of love and big hugs.

    xxoo



  66.  #66Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    So now I feel curious if any of you beautiful ladies have “poofed” on a man after s€x? And if so, why? Did you think you weren’t compatible or was it really bad? Did you get scared off or did he get too clingy/needy afterward?

    Personally I don’t recall ever poofing after intimacy but I have poofed before it got that far. Just wasn’t feeling it…

    And, I can honestly say that I have never had attraction grow if I wasn’t physically attracted initially and trust me I’ve tried many times.



  67.  #67Kim on October 3, 2014 at 4:33 pm

    At this point, I actually feel pissed. So, it is 7:30pm here. MoM had a really important appointment at lunchtime, reharding his eye (one of his eyes is almost blind, he had an accident once, and multiple operations). He was having all kinds of tests. I was feeling worried, also because I wondered how, with eye drops and stuff, he would drive home, in case they impacted on his vision. So before he left here this morning, I asked him to let me know how it went….I feel concerned and curious. Half way through the day I sent him a text and also a request to send me a pic from yesterday, I need for my website.
    Nada. Nada all day.
    This is one of the reasons why we split up before, his uncommunicativemess. He had pretty much stopped this…so him now going back to his old ways feels disappointing….besides, he said we could do something before he gets his sister from the airport late at night but again…nothing.
    I know he doesn’t mean evil by it, but it feels horrible and like my feelings and thoughts are disregarded.



  68.  #68Kim on October 3, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    Ah my comment is in moderation. Well, I just said that I feel annoyed. MoM had some pretty important doctors appointments today and I had asked him to let me know how they went. They were mid-day and: nothing.
    It is nearly 8pm. He also said we might do something before the sister gets in at 10pm.
    I wasn’t waiting to hear, and did my own thing, but I still feel annoyed and disregarded not hearing even a peep. Especially since I had also asked him – kindly – to send me a picture he took yesterday, for my website. I heard nothing at all the whole day and really felt ignored and blindsided.
    I just sent him a text message to the effect.
    This is one of the reasons why we kept splitting up – his uncommunicativeness.
    I saw an improvement and thought things might be changing but I see it’s back to old patterns.
    I feel disappointed.
    It is difficult to uphold a communication.
    I know he texts with people from work all the time….even on the weekendsI know he answers the phone when the ex calls…whatever.
    I have decided that if he doesn’t firm up the plans for dinner with his sister in the morning, amd still stays vague, I am having other plans.



  69.  #69Kim on October 3, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    ‘It is didficult to uphold a connection’



  70.  #70Kim on October 3, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    Sassy, yes I kinda poofed once or twice after intimacy, when it felt to me that it was all about sex from the man’s point..when I did not see the relationship progressing.
    I would withdraw, not exactly poof but just fade away…lol



  71.  #71Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    Kim #66
    Wow… I feel sad hearing how MoM has not responded to your text about how his Dr. appointment went…
    He sounds like he has a lot going on today…
    I do understand how bad it feels to be left hanging…



  72.  #72Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    Sassy,
    about poofing after sex..
    Maybe when I was VERY young.. in my 20s…
    One night stand kind of thing…
    and one boyfriend I had in college…
    He was a VERY nice guy… but I didn’t like nice guys back then (battled this my whole life)
    and left him (poofed… he was VERY upset) to go back to my now ex (father of my children)
    a choice I still work on forgiving myself for
    Most of my life after my ex and I split
    I have been without sex.



  73.  #73Kim on October 3, 2014 at 5:52 pm

    Thanks Azure. He apologized and said he f*cked up and forgot. Thing is, it’s not about forgetting or apologizing…just the fact he doesn’t feel the need to share, or even ask me how my day is going, which makes me sad.
    I had a lot to share. I was invited to a trade show last minute and did not have enough stock…had I communicated earlier with him, I could have pulled a night shift had he dropped off some stuff at my place, on his way to the airport. So I never could share that with him…it’s also not about the missed trade show.
    It’s about wanting to be with a man who is communicative and who cares about how my day was, before he goes to sleep and it suddenly occurs to him to ask.
    This has always been a bone of contention. I thought he has changed…it appears he has not.
    It reminds me so much of a boyfriend I had for 5 years, who was ever such a sweet and lovely guy…but he had some issues (Aspergers?) – and the busier his job got, the more fraught his social attempts and life with me. In the end, he ‘forgot’ to say good morning…or even good night when he went to bed.
    He would also apologize when I pointed it out to him…but I could not continue the relationship, because I was feeling lonely, like I was just a ghost in the house…someone one had to be reminded to talk to. It felt so awful..I had to leave him.
    I can’t survive without communication.
    Ugh.
    Now MoM apologized it almost feels worse..hard to explain, like he doesn’t even want to know what is going on with me and thinks saying sorry makes it all ok.



  74.  #74Linda on October 3, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    I have had so many thoughts and emotions since I have been catching up.

    There are so many of you I would love to meet in person and just hug. Not say a word (at first anyway) . Oh that would feel so wonderful. To have real skin and bone attached to the writers of the words and stories that are written that move me, inspire me, challenge me.

    Azure… many hugs to you…I am following very closely your story I wish I could sit down face to face and share with you some things I have dealt with in my life around what you are encountering right now. I would love to do that perhaps via email or something. (I am not on Facebook)

    Kim…. I had a good laugh out loud about the kayak thing. Boy I needed it. I too thought there was some new terms for intimate activity being introduced there. hahaha

    Purple… I agree with FW.. remove the ugggh. Flip it and reframe it. What does that opposite energy produce and would it feel to replace it?

    Teresa… I KNOW what you are feeling. I send you much love. The things that get revealed and come to light seem too much to bare. The man I loved with every fiber of my being live a double life right under my nose. I cry with you, I remember the ache and the deep pain of betrayal.

    Sophie… reminding me to rooooarrrr brings me to an update about whats going on in my corner of the world.

    It has been about 2 months since I took a real hard look at my attitudes and mode I have been living my life in. Since I ditched the whole “someday my prince will come” and then everything fall into place then thing and I stopped with the whole ” I will hold out … make due… put this off until” mindset. I have sprung into action to make some long needed things get done. I took bids and hired some outside help and was feeling confident and excited until the contractor I hired has not been producing as promised. On a scale of 1 – 10 my anxiety level is probably and 8 and so if I tomorrow does not go as promised. I am going to put the brakes on and may end up in small claims court if but I hope it does not come to that.

    My emotional soup is thick and gooey about all this. My Drama Queen has her hands alll up in the air pacing and angry and my warrior woman is on the edge of her seat with her jaw set. My feminine energy side feel weepy and scared and my boy energy has been keeping busy doing in order to fix what it can. Gee I feel all split personality writing that… but that is what I am feeling. Anyway we will see what tomorrow brings and I will go from there.



  75.  #75Linda on October 3, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    Oh… I forgot to add. I got a post card in the mail today from P. He is on a business trip in a part of the US that we were supposed to visit together last summer but didnt because he cancelled it. I wont go into the details of it but I was so disappointed.

    Said he thought of me and hoped that he got to go thru where we had planned to visit. He knew how much we both loved historic places.

    WHY?????? send me that damn postcard! and YES it upset me.



  76.  #76Veronica on October 4, 2014 at 12:49 am

    Azure Blu – 251 – I’m going to try letting go of the tangledness with BM – visualizing unknottings, unravellings, slippings away – thank you xx

    I have this quiet waiting tenderness when I read about your memory – something deep that belongs to you only xxxx

    Dominique – 271 – Wow over a year ago I read that – it feels precious and now I feel hopeful and melty reading it. I take your suggestion to openness and curiosity with such warmth and thankfulness, I love this part so much:
    “Open your heart to what is and what he’s offering, and something which can feel SO amazing as it unfolds will – unfold.”
    Thank you xx

    Sophie – 311 – thank you wa I feel seen – took me a while to find the right words, I feel seen by you Sophie xxx



  77.  #77Veronica on October 4, 2014 at 12:52 am

    the above from the previous thread



  78.  #78Azure Blu on October 4, 2014 at 6:03 am

    ((((Linda)))) #75 & 74
    Ahhh… lovely Siren… your vibes seem to be
    very nervous and angry…
    It feels to me like you need a warm Bear hug and a good back rub!!

    Have you had a chance to see what YOU are REALLY feeling?
    What is the Trigger with the Contractor?
    Is there a way to approach this so it’s a win – win?

    Does it feel like a slap in the face to get that postcard from P?
    For me it does sound rather spiteful…
    Or can you put another spin on this..??
    There’s got to be a way to NOT weigh Your
    Warm, Open heart down…
    Mmmm… How about going on line and looking up wine and food from that country and fixing it for YOU?
    Looking up another part of the world you would like to visit…



  79.  #79SportySmile on October 4, 2014 at 9:29 am

    Thank YOU, I am going through this now and I admit I feel like all the 3 kinds you mentioned, I read it again and again and now would DO NOTHING



  80.  #80SportySmile on October 4, 2014 at 9:31 am

    I love this post, this is so like a SOLUTION to my everlasting problem of family and this has always influenced my relationships, I feel good if you write more about this.

    Love,



  81.  #81Oshun on October 4, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Hi ladies!

    In relation to the blog, it took me a while to learn this. I had stopped being around certain family members because it made my spirit so anxious and shakey. I noticed that when I stopped allowing myself and my spirit to endure those feelings my interactions with those family members got better. Better as in they saw I was changing and not allowing myself to be affected by drama and anger. One member even said angrily, “You’re changing!” They were right. I was and it made me uneasy to do nothing and step back but it felt better in the long run. :o)



  82.  #82RileyTheOwl on October 4, 2014 at 10:44 am

    Feeling soo triggered… Yesterday C asked to see me after school but then he had to work at 5 which he didn’t tell me till right before I was about to go see him… So I didn’t go see him because one hour together just so casual feels so not special to me… And also it felt blah when he said “come to my house then we can go do something from there”… Clearly we wouldn’t of actually been able to do much because he would have just had to leave for work πŸ™ … I know he’s just wanting to see me… missing me… Sigh… I don’t feel very desired here :p so he said ok, how about you come over for breakfast in the am? And I felt very happy and loved when he said this πŸ™‚ so we decided on 10am… I’ve been up since 9, it’s 10:30am now and he only just texted me… He just woke up… Slept in past the time we were supposed to meet…. Grr I feel so angry… He said you could come over now but I’d stil be in my pjs.. ahhhh I feel so angry. I don’t feel very special or important from him sleeping in instead of seeing me… All these questions and fears are coming up… Ughh



  83.  #83Mandy on October 4, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Sassy, Femininewoman and Dominique,

    Thanks for your support as always…

    I ran into one of those issues…you know, when you feel great and then the next minute you totally feel triggered by something you thought you were okay with?

    Okay, I’m just going to come out with it. It’s pretty bad-sounding but I have to express myself. I feel so awful inside, and I honestly could care less about any backlash at this point.

    J is a photographer. Six years ago he had a model fly out from Seattle to shoot photos with him…not just any photos, erotic photos. Pictures of him being explicitly intimate with an eighteen year old girl. Up on the web…on three websites, this entire time he and I have been together for two years.

    I had ignored them for some time, was the “yes”-man, tried to be cool about it and somehow managed to forget about it for a long while.

    However, recently when I went on a site where couples meet thirds, to try to spice up our love life, I found the pictures on his profile after I had connected my profile to his and confirmed we are in a relationship on my page.

    Upon seeing them again…Sirens…you have no idea how my heart felt inside my chest. It felt like I was burning alive inside when I saw those photos. Like I was drowning, like I was falling from the sky…or being thrown into a fiery pit.

    I noticed he took them down off the one site, but I was certain they were still up on other sites, so I looked, and there was an even bigger collection, even more explicit. I felt like vomiting. So yesterday I gave up trying to be all cool and I went into the bedroom and woke him up, bawling.

    I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak correctly. He said what’s wrong, you’re scaring me…and I told him I can’t live this way with pictures like that of him and some teenage girl on the internet, and he said can we talk about this later, and so I angrily, hurtedly just left the room without a word and laid on the couch in the living room and cried myself to sleep, all with his knowledge. So after awhile, he woke up and got ready to go to work, and cheaply apologized about it as he walked out the door.

    Then I wrote that post I wrote yesterday here on this blog, and then I tried laying down, because what I felt inside was my diminished will. I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to think, I just wanted to crawl into a hole outside of existence for a while. But then something in me didn’t want to admit defeat over this. So I got my bag of old clothes I didn’t want anymore and took a bus to the resale boutique I like and sold some items and bought two new shirts and felt a little better.

    Oddly enough as I left, I grabbed a bus, and it was the wrong bus, so I had to walk past J’s work. I had my headphones on and sunglasses too, and was walking fast with a stern look on my face, not wanting anyone to bother me or talk to me. Low and behold, there’s J, on his lunch break, waving me down trying to get my attention. I honestly didn’t even want to look him in the face or acknowledge his presence even though he’s my boyfriend and we live together, I still felt so utterly disgusted with him that he kept all those pictures up online for the entire world to see and at the same time called me his girlfriend. But I mustered up the gumption to go into the Taco Bell he was in, and talk to him for a minute, and he said he had to go back to work, but I genuinely felt he was super-excited and happy to see me…maybe also relieved I wasn’t ignoring him.

    Then when he came home I guess I’d calmed down, and we went out to the porch like we do every night, and he held my hand and we talked about it. He said he thought he did good by getting rid of the ones on the first site…I said he did do good by doing that, but I thought to myself, what is the point of getting rid of them on one site if you’ve got three times as many on the other site? I told him I just won’t feel better until they are ALL gone.

    So this morning, it took everything I had in me, but I checked again and they were ALL gone, he did what he said he was going to do.

    I still have residual feelings. I feel so disgusted and turned off and just like, I don’t even want to look at him. Who does this shit? Who posts pictures of themselves having sex online, keeps them up and at the same time tells someone they are his committed girlfriend, that he’s hers and hers alone, and in love with her, while showing the entire world how he’s having great fun with an eighteen year old girl??? He told me all about it before, and it was like he was happy to tell me about it.

    I want this to be something that is never brought up again in our relationship. This is something that if he refused to take them down, he’d be single…today, right now. I’d be done with his ass. I don’t date men who shoot pornography…especially of themselves, and put them up online and keep them up while calling me their girlfriend, making me look like a damn fool. Jesus, God in heaven! Of all the things a woman should have to deal with…REALLY?

    They are gone but I’m still PISSED and I still feel incredibly disrespected and like our intimacy has been diminished and cheapened. If there was a problem with him having sex with me right now, it wouldn’t be a problem because I don’t even want to look at him right now much less let him touch me, I am so incredibly pissed off and disgusted.

    I’m not sure what to do next here. I guess I’m done ranting for now. Ugh…I feel so incredibly icky and gross…I don’t know what to do with myself.

    Sucks for him because he did the right thing, and I wish I could tell him how happy and impressed with him I am, but I’m just not…I shouldn’t even have to ask him to do it in the first place. I’m not impressed with him on this, he is so NOT a stand up guy in my mind and heart right now!!!!!!



  84.  #84Kristina on October 4, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    RileyTheOwl,

    I so feel your anger. It used to happen so often to me that guys would change their mind, reschedule or disappear the last minute. It felt like they were pulling all the strings.

    But you don’t have to go there with them. If he proposes to meet but does not specify the time, assume that there is no plan with him. Make your own plans and if he call or texts the last minute, don’t rush to reply. Once you are done with your other engagement, you can respond “Oh, it would have felt so great to see you but I was booked tonight.” And if he asks you how that is possible given that you “agreed” to meet, you can say “I really like things to be planned at least a day a ahead.”
    Or if he makes vague plans and says that he’ll confirm later, you can say “It will be so great to see you. And I so enjoy looking forward to things and I feel so comfortable when things are planned ahead of time, I really need to know at least a day in advance.” And if he does not get the hint, make other plans.

    It’s not playing hard to get. It’s actually BEING hard to get.

    Also, don’t spend all that energy going to his place. Say: “It will feel so great to see you. And I like being around my stuff. Will you come over?”

    Love,
    Kristina
    http://kristinalanerelationshipcoaching.com
    Take Control Over Your Love Life



  85.  #85Tatia on October 4, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Katja #61
    (((((HUGS))))) to you, and welcome to the blog.

    Congrats to you for renewing your on-line profile! Circular dating widen your view, it reminds you that you have choices, it allows you to practice your tools out in the world so you can learn to be in your feminine energy more.

    In this situation you described in your post, it feels like a good time to
    LEAN BACK (let him initiate everything),
    USE FEELING MESSAGES (to communicate with him), and to put your FOCUS ON YOU instead of the relationship.

    Leaning back and speaking in feeling messages will take the “pressure” off of him. It creates distance, allowing him to come forward to you energetically. And at the same time, you are warm, open and inviting when he does come to you.

    Leaning back looks like not grabbing his hand or putting your arms around him, but allowing him to make the first contact.

    Feeling messages starts with being in touch with your feelings in that given moment, embracing and loving your feelings, and then speaking and acting from those feelings.

    So you might say something like, “I feel so sad, and I feel mad, and I just feel like crying.” This way, you’re able to get your TRUTH out, rather than shutting down.

    Focusing on you is doing stuff you enjoy, taking “me time” and it includes circular dating!

    What do you think?

    Love,

    Tatia



  86.  #86Tatia on October 4, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Hi Kristina!



  87.  #87Liquid Light on October 4, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Just had an awesome revelation. Many of you on this blog have probably seen my posts about my frustrations with men that are just not appealing and don’t have very much to offer. I know I probably got on some of your nerves with my railing about these types of men that have so little to offer. I had another date the other night with someone like this (wasn’t working but was a musician and seemed to think that would really impress me = zero attraction, ughh)..I was so upset afterwards (I literally left after 10 min) especially because I met this man through a dating service that I’m paying a lot of money for.

    Anyway, what’s hit me is that I can choose to simply not focus my energy on these types of men anymore. I can Totally wipe them from my thoughts and attention, as if they don’t exist. It’s totally about the law of attraction, if I focus on how disappointed and frustrated I am with these types of men (whom I meet frequently), then I will continue to attract that into my life. And I will continue to be angry, frustrated and depressed.

    I know it sounds simple and obvious, but this is huge for me. Honestly after that last awful date, I was so depressed and wondering if I’d ever meet someone decent. I was NOT in a good place at all. But now that it hit that I have a choice and can literally ignore those types of men, its made me feel so much better about dating. Also, not sticking my head in the sand, and ignoring the things in my gut that tell me he’s not right for me, is another huge step.



  88.  #88Azure Blu on October 4, 2014 at 1:28 pm

    Kim #73
    Darling Siren,,, How is your Sat. going?
    Did you get your products together?
    did you and Mom resolve the issue?
    Sorry about all the questions… just curious.



  89.  #89Indigo on October 4, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Woohoo Liquid Light πŸ™‚

    That IS a big step



  90.  #90Liquid Light on October 4, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Thanks Indigo! πŸ™‚



  91.  #91Kristina on October 4, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Hi Tatia! Awesome advice for Katja!



  92.  #92Azure Blu on October 4, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    LL#86
    I feel your light shinning brightly with this post!!!

    When we do feel a deep understanding with something we have been trying to shift (Life keeps presenting to US)
    it is WONTERFUL!!!

    It’s soo interesting to read what you have written today about the dating service you are using…

    One of the first times I ever posted (about a year ago) i answered your question about the dating service – It’s Just lunch…
    I shared with you how it had been a huge dissapointment for me…
    I think I only dated one guy, that I was matched with, 2 times. And I had at least 3 dates a month…

    I also found out that the service offers men (who have already used the service) a free contract for 6 more months if they sign up again…

    Sorry to hear you’re not happy with it…
    BUT I like YOUR positive spin!!!

    Yes, I have found online dating to be superior to
    that service!!



  93.  #93Liquid Light on October 4, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Hi Azure

    Yes, that’s the service I’ve been using. Its been so disappointing. I didn’t know that about the men being offered 6 more months for free. That makes sense since it seems like there are so many more women than men on there.

    I’ve gone out with 5 men on that service. Only one guy was interesting and attractive. But he had only been separated for 6 weeks! I really can’t believe that they would sign someone up that’s separated. But the sense that I get from them is that they will take money from anyone. The last guy they set me up with, they told me he worked that he was an executive at a tech company but when I met him, he told me he was retired. So they either lied to me or they didn’t do their homework about the guy and get the right information. Ughh. And the guy had a black eye and mumbled. Not attractive at all πŸ™



  94.  #94Sophie on October 4, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    LL – you just gave me a great image LL – when you said I can literally just wipe them from my mind it made me think of my mind being like a touchscreen and when I am thinking about something (someone) I don’t want to think about I just swipe to the left and ta da new screen πŸ™‚ I like that πŸ™‚

    ((((Linda)))) I’ve been having to be in my masculine energy lots dealing with ‘fixing it things things’ and I don’t enjoy it at all- there is a lot of conflict with different companies around different things as I try and tie up financial stuff – it feels yuk. I don’t want to be at battle, I want to play. Your post made me think of my feelings. Sounds like your feminine side may need a big long rest and some time aside to just ‘be’ or have fun :)? I’m just speaking for/to myself really. I feel sad that P upset you. Maybe it’ll be a gift to help you get in touch with another layer of feelings?

    (((Veronica :))))

    Azure Blu – how is the loveliness that is you?



  95.  #95Sassy on October 4, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    Liquid Light,

    You are exactly right about the Law of Attraction. It cannot discern between bad thoughts/wishes/hopes/desires, etc and good. You attract what you are thinking about or focusing on!

    That’s why its crucial for us to picture the right man, relationship, job, home, whatever, feel what it would feel like to have those things and once you “put it out into the Universe…believe you will receive.

    This has been proven to me over and over!



  96.  #96RileyTheOwl on October 4, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    I went down to the ocean and did a meditation instead.. then just appreciated the water the rocks and nature and the energy… I like to take my shoes off so that earths energy can come through me. Then I texted him back saying well I am at the beach right now… It would feel so good to see him but I don’t feel like going to his house so far (even though it’s really not that far, I was enjoying he my at the beach). He came and picked me up at the beach then we went out for lunch. He even offered to drive me to my vocal lessons, then he came in and listened to me sing for a while. It was a nice afternoon πŸ™‚



  97.  #97RileyTheOwl on October 4, 2014 at 4:15 pm

    Kristina 83- Thank you, right after I had written that first post I went down to the beach. To put some space between this, to help myself feel better and relax, feel like I’m going back into myself. So I suppose I pretty much did what you suggested, even though I just read your post. Thank you for the suggestions.



  98.  #98Liquid Light on October 4, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    Ditto on that, Riley…Kristina 83, great suggestions!



  99.  #99Andrea on October 4, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    oooooh.. interesting conversation between Sassy and FW started # 51. About sex and having sex earlier rather than later when getting to know someone.

    I feel so free of that concern now days. I was introduced to a man online, months ago. It went no where but we did end up exchanging email addresses. Just two weeks ago, he engaged me in email conversation again. It quickly turned into phone conversation and then he very quickly asked me out on a date. All of this was him being ready to finally meet me. (where as, six months ago he was dragging his feet) Anyway..

    We met on Monday afternoon. A Monday of all days, for what was supposed to be a quick late lunch. We had instant chemistry. We talked about everything and he leaned in closer.. we went to a different venue and he sat close… we walked to yet another venue and he was holding my hand. I was in sensuality heaven. I felt extremely comfortable and turned on.

    But… I didn’t feel any pressure at all to contemplate the future, hope for more than just the afternoon, impress him in any way. I just lived in all my glorious sexual energy and felt light and sexy and wonderful. He stayed the whole evening, treated me to dinner, met my friends at a trivia bar, brought fast food home for my daughters, asked them if he could keep me out later, the night went on and on and on… I just was dizzy and happy.

    He spent the night. We made love over and over again. The next morning, he kissed me and got out quick before my daughters woke up. (All of that of course, is ill advised… but it worked that night, that moment, that feeling.)

    I thought, “Well, I’ll probably never hear from him again.” For just one tiny second and then immediately after that my mind was full of my own life. My daughters, school, classes, work, another man i’m seeing, another cd asked me out for a lunch date, etc etc….

    I had the most enjoyable Monday and for me, that’s what it was. But then, he texted that morning, and has texted or called every day since then. Who knows if it means it will “lead” to anything else. But… my CD date on Wednesday asked me out again for Friday night. And an old CD that I’ve still been seeing took me out on Thursday.

    So… I don’t think there are any set in stone rules for this. What I’m learning to go by is… how do I feel in the moment? How do I enjoy the heck out of this moment and stay true to me.

    I guess on Monday I was just so very into the experience of making love to this guy all afternoon long. On Wednesday, the new CD… I felt turned on by him as well, but it didn’t go anywhere sexual. He asked me out for Friday night and asked if I’d want to get a hotel room and I said, “No.” I’m not feeling like having sex with you. (because that was the absolute truth. I didn’t want to have sex on Friday night.)

    I think it’s time that I just live each moment in truth and honesty and not worry about whether “he” will leave, or stay, or respect, or call, or not call, or marry me, or get afraid, or run away, or, or, or…..

    That’s all a whole bunch of his business. I’m feeling an ease and a peace with just letting myself be me in each moment and not try to act a certain way because it may or may not lead to any other outcome. Just be me. Somehow it’s working.



  100.  #100RileyTheOwl on October 4, 2014 at 4:38 pm

    Hi Liquid Light, thank you πŸ™‚



  101.  #101Sassy on October 4, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Andrea

    #98—-you go grrrrllllll!!!!



  102.  #102nyx on October 4, 2014 at 5:28 pm

    @Linda 75

    All too often, my logical mind takes over and shuts off my feelings (working on that).

    Now, my logic tells me he misses you there. And no matter if he longs for you or wants you to feel envious (no matter which he wants to convey, it is very clumsily done)- does it really matter? I’d say- go for trying to reinforce his feeling.

    “Oh, I feel that I wouldΒ΄ve so much enjoyed being there, tasting that red wine, savouring that dish, revelling in that view… but I guess you will just have to imagine I’m right beside you πŸ™‚ I hope you will have a wonderful stay! πŸ™‚ ”

    I don’t know, ladies… maybe I am evil. HE already sent the message to Linda, and I know I would’ve reacted just like her- and there is no taking that reaction back. So what to do with the circumstances? There are two possibilities- he wants her with him or he wants her envious. What if he really wants to be nice? What if he wants to be mean? Whichever, point is- he lacks your presence there, Linda- or he wouldn’t have sent those words. Reinforce.

    What do you ladies think?



  103.  #103nyx on October 4, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    @ Sophie 93

    “ta da new screen :D”

    Lovely image. I will try to use this! πŸ˜€



  104.  #104Kristina on October 4, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    RileyTheOwl, wow, great job on getting yourself connected with nature and living through the anger and into the calm. Bravo!



  105.  #105Liquid Light on October 4, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Andrea 98: Great post! You go girl! Wow, I would love to have mad passionate sex all night long! WOW!!!



  106.  #106Liquid Light on October 4, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Haha…this just in from the internet dating world…be careful what you ask for!!! Hahahahaha!!! OMG too funny!!! From a much younger and very cute man…

    It might sound like a FWB or not. I don’t like “labeling” relationships or people for that matter.
    All I said was an account of what I had experienced in the past and I sought it again. Also your idea of a FWB might be completely different from what I have to bring to the table.
    I’m NOT looking for a one night stand. not my style.

    Know that we both are probably looking for the one, the one long term relationship. But we know how “easy” that is to find. Meanwhile we are still humans, feel the urge to want and be wanted and have our needs … So if the chemistry is mutual then why not just be in the moment and enjoy each other ??? Nothing wrong with that … All I’m saying is we have nothing to lose here, but a lot to gain πŸ™‚ How can you know if you like something or not without even trying …



  107.  #107Oshun on October 4, 2014 at 6:48 pm

    Alright, sirens. Advice please. My gut is pretty clear but opinions are welcome.

    Guy friend is interested, says he is but he doesn’t know if he wants to start dating. One day he says that he needs to think about it. The next he’s asking me if us being out makes it a date. Now I never being us being together up to him. He is always the one bringing it up. We went out to celebrate a new move in my career and things got pretty hot & heavy. I am not worried about that. There is attraction there on both sides. Frankly, I don’t have the patience to deal with the back and forth. Nothing is definite. I’m not saying he needs to know of he wants to marry me, I don’t even know that. But he does need to know if he wants to date me. You can’t one minute be Gung ho about it and the next say you need to think about it. I am not putting any pressure on him. But since I’ve know him for 7 years I speak my mind. I told him he needs to find a cave and figure out what he wants because I’m out dating. I am. CDing like crazy.

    Anyway, my gut is saying put a lot of space between us. Friend or not, he can’t be a “space filler”. Taking up space and doing nothing with it.

    What say you ladies?



  108.  #108Oshun on October 4, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Never bring*



  109.  #109Rori Raye on October 4, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    Mandy – This is Rori – and I can’t help but comment here, so I’m glad this landed in moderation. I’m going to sound weird, here – but I don’t get why you’re so pissed at him. First – this gave me pause: “However, recently when I went on a site where couples meet thirds, to try to spice up our love life…” Sounds to me like you are not really the woman who’s all upset about this (sounds like fun to me on many levels – threesome, foursome…there’s no “rules” here but the ones you make up!).

    And – to me – he IS an upstanding guy! He did what you asked him to do, when you asked him to do it. I’m way not judgmental about stuff that happened BEFORE me – and this was before you. Pictures not-withstanding. Since you didn’t seem bothered by it – of course he kept them up! Who wouldn’t – if you’re the kind of person who is okay with that stuff being public to begin with (and I wouldn’t be upset with him for being the person he is – the one you love)…

    I think there’s something else going on here.
    I just think a bunch of stuff you’ve kept all stuffed down just came up – and on some level of fear of intimacy – you’re looking for a reason to be pissed and leave.

    I recommend you sit down and ask yourself what it is you really want. Marriage? Kids? The white picket fence? Then ask yourself how you feel about the way he treats YOU. Ask yourself if you feel concerned about his loyalty to you (even if you end up in a threesome as an experiment. We are all totally different. We want different things. we can be as kinky and off-beat and anything else we want. None of us have to toe any line but the one that matters to us inside.

    If you don’t feel good with him anymore – then leave. If you’re torn – then stay and dive into your feelings to examine where they’re coming from. AND – the reasons you state here just don’t add up to me. Perhaps there are other things bothering you – and, mostly – I would say you’re pissed at yourself for not putting your foot down earlier – if you truly believe that was important to you. So – in a sense, you are saying to yourself that you swept something huge under the rug. That’s not his fault. Not yours, either. It just happened.

    See if you can feel your way through this. Love, Rori



  110.  #110Kim on October 4, 2014 at 8:50 pm

    I am feeling pretty odd tonignt.
    Went to dinner with MoM and his sister. She is nice and it was fun-ish, but through the whole time, I did not feel like his partner….it felt like three friends met up. If there had been an onlooker, they would never have guessed that him and me were dating.
    I am asking: is this the type of relationship I would want for myself? Or would I want someone who is excited to see me…and excited to show me off…and wants to make clear I am his woman…or share any plans he has for us…or anything at all.
    We had dinner, some conversation…and no more mention of doing something tomorrow. He informed me they would watch movies and cook together. I didn’t get an invitation to anything…maybe Monday night. Bowliing. I hate everything about bowling and I decided already that I won’t go and spoil the fun. I am busy Tuesday.
    And honestly, I am wondering what I am doing..and whether it is in my own best interests to keep dating him when this relationship feels nonsensical, like how it should be when you date someone for two weeks, not over a year.
    It felt bad.
    They dropped me off here like a child back to parents…I sat in the back of the car. When I got up to my apartment I had to shed a tear or two.
    I would think my forever man would behave differently and include me…at least for some of the time..
    I want someone who feels enthusiastic about me…about being with me….and makes me a partner, not treats me like a child or a friend.
    I thank God I had the opportunity to learn something today. About what I want and what feels good to me.



  111.  #111Kim on October 4, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    He is texting me ‘sweet texts’ now because he know it wasn’t nice how this whole weekend was handled.
    Too late.



  112.  #112Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 12:54 am

    Kim,

    I get you. Your experience brought to mind an experience I had with a guy I was dating towards the end of last year. His best friend was visiting from out of town, and I went boating with them at the dam, then back to his place, then onto the pub for a few drinks. My guy didn’t kiss me, hold my hand, put his arm around me or act in any way as if I was his date (which is how he had been acting on other occasions). I actually felt kind of like I was intruding because I didn’t know his friend, and I wasn’t being treated like a date, so… what the heck was I doing there? No thanks. Like you say, it was a good experience of what I don’t want.



  113.  #113Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 12:55 am

    (((Mandy)))

    Are you ok?



  114.  #114April Rose on October 5, 2014 at 2:30 am

    Wow,

    I feel whirlwindy and strangely swirly inside, reading Mandy’s post and Rori’s answer.

    Firstly, yes I totally get the massive trigger and I empathise with the fiery burning ‘pit in the stomach’ feeling. I feel for you Mandy.
    This would be a huge trigger for me too. I get the nausea that comes with it.

    I also get what Rori is saying about something being swept under the rug early on.

    When I first got together with WM, in the flush of love/infatuation I decided to be really cool with his ‘sleazy history’.
    Now, I still don’t know what my issue is, fully. I don’t know if there is genuine ickiness there, or if I am triggered to a point of blindness/sickness which makes it all seem so super-icky.
    I guess what Rori is saying is, if it was in the past then it is not a deal breaker.

    Is he being ‘true’ now? Whatever that means…(you get to decide).



  115.  #115Kim on October 5, 2014 at 6:08 am

    112 Indigo, yes. Exactly!! I feel understood.
    He started to hold my hand when she went to the toilet. Really? At that point, I just felt it was unnecessary, to even do that.
    Like he was embarrassed or something.
    I get that he is shy. I get that he doesn’t want HER feel left out.
    However, this is a 44 year old man pretending…not being authentic, not being happy/excited and instead just: awkward.
    The awkward feeling washed over me next.

    So for almost a week we pretend that we don’t spend half of our nights and all weekends together. We don’t get intimate and I am not invited anymore (presumably tomorrow/today they have dinner with the ex, whom she knows well).

    I am wondering, if his sister stayed a month or a year, we would never sleep together ever again. This feels ridiculous.
    Actually, to me this is totally ridiculous.
    I had a much more romantic relationship, as a couple, when I was 21….with a man of the same age.
    Yes, he is only clueless….but do I want to keep dating a clueless man? I honestly don’t know.
    One thing I do know is that I am getting back on the internet dating website and that I will give him the same amount of space he gave me.
    I need a break from dating him.



  116.  #116Kim on October 5, 2014 at 7:55 am

    So now I am getting texts about where they are going and what they are doing…lol…thanks for the non-invite. I couldn’t resist and ask whether it is just the two of them or they are meeting other friends…I practically know that they are meeting his ex today. I wonder if he is going to tell me.
    At this point, I just feel curious.
    I have got my weekend and next week pretty much planned our with work and things.
    I don’t really feel like seeing him….all this last night and non-communication has totally turned me off. I wonder if it is me. And my issues.
    I just feel discarded.
    And not ready to be ‘picked up’ again after those 5 days.
    If ever.



  117.  #117Kim on October 5, 2014 at 7:57 am

    Not my biz what he does, my biz how I feel about it.
    In that sense it has been a great eye opener. I am actually happy it happened.



  118.  #118Sassy on October 5, 2014 at 8:39 am

    Kim,

    I’m getting the impression that MoM is somehow playing both sides of the fence and at your expense! It’s as if he’s getting what he wants and needs from you, in private, almost like a secret relationship, but then in public or when you’re with other people, it turns back into a friendship.
    I may be completely off base here, and if I am, I apologize. We can all only go by what each of us chooses to post.
    You don’t deserve this treatment and didn’t accept it from wild child.
    What are you getting from this relationship with MoM? (Other than great s€x, apparently). You can do better and I know you know that!



  119.  #119Kim on October 5, 2014 at 8:48 am

    Apparently he said it was just them…



  120.  #120Kristi Ann on October 5, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Wow. This was much needed in other aspects for me. But also a reminder of how quickly family (mine or my guy’s) can influence my need to fix things, or defend myself.
    Is their opinion going to control my relationship or me? No. How I make others happy to avoid conflict and avoid facing my own feelings can really just cause me to be insincere.

    Over functioning is a game I’ve played for too long and I can hear my inner siren telling me how I’m doing myself a disservice. She’s folded her arms and tapped her foot. She makes the look at me that says, “really? Is this getting what you want?”

    Family is important but not at the expense of your happiness or your relationship bliss.
    Thank you Rori.
    Kristi Ann



  121.  #121Kristina on October 5, 2014 at 10:05 am

    Kim,

    I am with Sassy on this. Why is this man taking up so much or your time, energy, and space in your thoughts? You have said that you know that he is not your forever man. (I had the same question for Azure about Spirit but that situation has played itself out). MoM is taking up the space that could be taken up by someone who is at least potentially your forever man. I am assuming that a forever man is something that you actually want. I know it is hard to drop a guy after so much time. I stayed for years in several relationships which I knew were not forever, paralyzed and afraid to move.

    Don’t do it to yourself.

    Free up this space for newcomers.



  122.  #122Kim on October 5, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Kristina…he is not the only one I am dating and now I feel kinda defensive. I said, like a gazillion times that we like to spend time with each other, which is why I am dating him still, and that I would drop him if it starts to feel bad…which maybe is now, maybe not. He isn’t taking up a huge space, especially right now, because I am working 24/7 almost…I come here to vent when I am triggered and to bounce things off.
    I am not paralyzed and afraid to move, never have been, I have the opposite problem. Happy alone, so happy that I tip out the baby with the bathwater usually way too soon…

    I don’t know if he is my forever man..maybe, maybe not. I just know that he has made a huge amount of effort recently to be with me and make me feel good and right now it ia not ideal, but it’s maybe as much me as it is him?

    Dunno. As long as I don’t know, I am goin to watch and see.



  123.  #123Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Kim 122,

    I get you. I am one of those people who believes that a year is not actually that much time. If you are still fine to let things unfold, I say go for it. I can tell you are not overly invested in this man so I don’t think there is real danger here. You are learning and becoming aware, and that is valuable in itself.

    Personally I think all of this stuff just refines us and helps us to know ourselves and what we want.



  124.  #124Mandy on October 5, 2014 at 10:35 am

    Rori,

    Thanks so much for weighing in! I KNEW I felt weird about my reaction, like something was weird and off, on MY part (Like PMSing or something…I just knew I had this little feeling inside like I was overreacting…like, “What’s wrong with me right now, why am I so TRIGGERED?”)

    I believe you are right with me pissed at myself because I didn’t resolve the issue earlier, there IS some fear of intimacy with me, about not wanting to be rejected again (probably with sex, since I have been dealing with that for so long).

    I didn’t know it until very recently but a subconscious part of me wants to sabotage it when I have something good and I know it…Dominique really helped dig that “shit” up, and help me realize this about myself recently and I had NO idea that was something I do, but I TOTALLY do!

    Not good…I’m so glad this is being brought to my attention because there could be multiple things that could go very badly wrong that don’t have to on account of it!

    It seems really STUPID of me to do something like that even though it’s SO not a conscious effort. It feels good to hear it’s neither of our faults, but this is a serious issue!

    Perhaps it was me LOOKING for something to be pissed about. I DO feel in my gut a bunch of stuff I’ve kept all stuffed down just came up. No wonder it felt so weird coming out so angrily…I felt like such an wierdo when I let it all out!

    Sometimes I don’t know why I feel the way I feel…but it’s obvious I need to be careful when dealing with feelings of sheer anger and disgust….and think critically of my reactions…and look at whether they are coming from having a good reason for the feelings or if I’m just looking to sabotage a good situation.

    I sure do feel embarrassed, sheepish and pretty bad about it!

    Thanks for weighing in Rori, I needed to hear it, and it is always an honor and helpful to hear from you…and thank you for all you do for us Sirens. πŸ™‚

    I wonder what tools could be put into play to make sure I don’t do this in the future? Remembering his humanness is one…



  125.  #125Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Sirens,

    I’ve had a bit of rough feeling weekend. Really immersed in the soup, as it were.

    I wish so much I had someone to connect with on a very regular basis in my life, a special person – not a lover or a boyfriend, because those come with a whole host of their own strings attached and dynamics… that’s a whole thing to navigate all on its own. No, I mean a friend. It’s hard for me to connect with most other people, because I feel so immersed in the depths of myself so much of the time. It’s easier often just to be by myself, and I’m very thankful for my animals, who always seem to be there with a hug or a nuzzle into my back, or a warm body near me just being there. And the interaction I have with other people just doesn’t seem to be nearly enough. I wish there were more people who saw me and understood me. Sometimes I feel the void and the loneliness very keenly. Sigh.

    There were some lovely moments this weekend. I saw D on Friday night, and though things hit a bit of a wobbley on Saturday morning, I do always feel happy for the time I spend with him. I went to movies with my mom last night, and today I took my two boisterous dogs for a long and very fun walk around our gorgeous, peaceful neighbourhood. And I was very indulgent with myself – treating myself to yummy snacks, and a good few glasses of cream liquer while watching episode after episode of Mcleod’s Daughters, and that was quite lovely. So I suppose things could be worse.



  126.  #126Mandy on October 5, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Okay, I have to riff…I feel absolutely awful now, about possibly trying to sabotage my good situation, subconsciously…

    I just feel so down and guilty and awful and unworthy of affection at this moment. I feel so awkward and weird because of the weird random and crazy nature of my feelings and behavior recently. I’m tired of always having these awful feelings pop up when there’s no way they can possibly help me or my situation, especially because all coming just from me, not anyone else, and about how it’s part of me trying to sabotage good things. I feel helpless in making it stop and guilty it happens…it just feels so utterly awful…I feel like such an unworthy, bad girlfriend right now…

    πŸ™ At least it feels better to feel bad than to feel nothing at all…that happened once to me and it was scary…



  127.  #127lovetodance on October 5, 2014 at 11:15 am

    dear indigo….
    i hope for you a good friend coming into the picture…in your posts and responses to others i feel so much wisdom, understanding, compassion and intelligence….who would not need/want a friend like that?
    i am a introvert/extrovert and have a very very dear friend who is quite introverted….we get on fabulously and count on each other for so much….

    may this person or persons appear on your radar….your friendship would be too sad to be missed!

    sounds like you have made a very lovely day for yourself…..

    big hug to you indigo!



  128.  #128Sassy on October 5, 2014 at 11:24 am

    Mandy,

    You are being so hard on yourself right now.
    Remember that you and J just had a huge breakthrough with your intimacy issues, then you had surgery and now the pics you found. Roller coaster emotions appear to be wreaking havoc on you.
    How are your hormone levels, have they been checked lately? Perhaps Dominique can weigh in with some suggestions to calm your soul and give you some peace.



  129.  #129lovetodance on October 5, 2014 at 11:28 am

    okay here is my morsel of cding….probably alot to learn about myself in this situation

    i talked in the last month about a man from another country whose native language is not english

    i saw him many times as i walked my dog for the last few years…..he had made it a point to talk to me, flirt with me… i always felt very light and breezy about it and my vibe i am sure was cautious at the same time….

    he is a gardner and alway asked if i needed help gardening…lady chatterley any one?….so it was always mixed with that and are you married? do you dance? and does your husband like to garden…?

    i asked him if his wife liked to garden and we both laughed and he told me he does not have a wife nor is he involved….

    so we made a plan to meet where i walk and i would give him my number [this is after at least two years of
    flirting]…..

    i gave him my number and he acted all confused like’ i am ready for anything’….and’ is this about gardening?’
    wow talk about ambivalence….

    so its been a month now and no call from him

    i was not invested….but it has kept me from walking where i would see him…

    my question is how to handle this….
    i don’t want to operate on ‘oh you rejected me by not calling’….but i know that if i do see him i will feel that queasy feeling…

    there is material here for me to unearth….

    i know he is not someone to date obviously…but someone to learn from about my reactions to someone pursuing me and then not showing up…i don’t want to be run by men’s behavior…..

    am i making sense to any of yous?



  130.  #130Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 11:43 am

    (((lovetodance)))

    Thank you so much for your caring post to me. I make friends frequently and easily, but they don’t stay in my life, for reasons I don’t fully understand. I find myself alone a lot of the time these days.

    Thank you xx



  131.  #131RileyTheOwl on October 5, 2014 at 11:50 am

    (((((((((Mandy)))))))))
    oohhh Mandy… reading your last post I felt so much sorrow….maybe you’re being a little hard on yourself, as Sassy said…. well, I don’t think you’re a bad girlfriend. I don’t think you’re unworthy of affection, and I don’t think that you are to blame here!!!! Just know that I support you here. I am on your side. I feel like you are going through a really big process right now… you’re processing this situation with these pictures that are highly disturbing for you… ( which you have every right to feel this way… as I’m sure you know..) Sometimes, we get really triggered…. like REALLY triggered. and maybe it will take a few days to really go through all of this… maybe even a couple weeks… but YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Nobody is really to blame for anything, it just happens. Really try to love yourself through here. And I know that’s easier said than done.. hahah… but know that possibly the reason you’re feeling SO disturbed about these pictures and J is because you are a queen, you deserve so much love and happiness and everything perfect, and it’s soo amazing that you’ve finally taken this issue out from under the rug and are addressing it with yourself. EVEN though it’s totally shocking, it is amazing that you are recognizing it. this is an amazing step. I believe that you can totally work through this, and I am here for you. <3



  132.  #132Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 11:50 am

    Mandy 126,

    Take it from someone who has felt all of the things you’ve expressed here, and thought all of those thoughts, the only way through this is to love every part of you. And I mean EVERY part of you. The parts you feel guilty about and which feel unworthy are even MORE worthy of your love and compassion.

    Be extremely gentle on yourself. You are not Superman. You are a human being, and you respond to things the way you do because of the unique way you are made, and this is beautiful. Dominique reminded me of this yesterday.

    If it makes you feel any better, I had a meltdown with D today – it’s rare these days, but apparently it still happens. It would be so easy for me to feel guilty about it and beat myself up, but I won’t. I muster every bit of love and compassion I can for myself and I will show kindness to myself. There is no need for you to be hard on yourself.

    x



  133.  #133Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 11:59 am

    lovetodance 129,

    I know if it were me I would not change my routine at all on account of this man. If I ran into him I would let him initiate conversation if he will, and smile and be warm, just purely in a friendly way. Just go about your life in your goddessy way as if nothing is amiss πŸ™‚



  134.  #134Mandy on October 5, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Sassy, Riley and Indigo,

    Thank you so much for your insight. I am very good at beating myself up…and I needed to hear what all of you had to say, including what Rori had to say too. Dominique has weighed in on this with me…and the guilt I feel from trying to push away is immense…

    As for the hormone thing, Sassy, it’s funny you ask, I just had my Thyroid removed and started on Levothyroxine, which is a hormone, and since the Thyroid is a gland that regulates certain hormones and mine was way out of whack, I thought that having it removed and put on a regulated dose of hormone would even me out and it has to some degree (no more hot flashes), but I am also on my period right now, and emotionally, it is a DOOZY…sometimes my periods make me like in just…I don’t even want to say, it’s so aggressive and defensive and just…wow…it’s like I turn into a lean mean pulvarizing machine.
    But I have an endocrinologist appointment soon, to discuss how my body is responding to the Thyroid hormone meds, and see if they need adjusting. I have to admit I’ve felt pretty darn amped lately…been running faster than usual on the elliptical machine too. I wonder if the level is too high and could be making be a bit hyper on multiple levels?

    Sorry that was a bit winded.

    But I want you Sirens to know how *MUCH* your empathy means to me…it feels so good to know my sisters here on Siren Island understand, get it, and can help each other move along…such a beautiful thing and I wish I could send a thank you card to each one of you…

    Much, much love coming from me to you all…my heart is swelling with appreciation and happiness in the beauty I see in the support on this blog…I can’t ever express enough appreciation of it…love you all…and thanks again Rori, Dominique and everyone for pointing me in the right direction <3 don't knowo what I'd do without ya…

    I just had an idea actually…I want to make a drawing or a painting of what i think Siren Island looks like…sounds fun πŸ™‚



  135.  #135lovetodance on October 5, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    and…..

    it feels wimpy to me to avoid him

    i liked out interaction and would like to convey that is fine with me to keep it as it is….affection when we see each other…..no need to take it further….

    is this a way of controlling the outcome so to protect myself…i am sure….

    but it truely feels like what i would like….

    hmmmmm or again….yes letting him know i am fine with just running into him and too bad he blew it…
    i see my ego and heart operating here….and thats okay…i just want to be able to see him….stay open and be in touch with me….but not feel my rejection chemicals cursing thro me…how do i reframe this…

    again i must say i am not invested in him…its my own reactions/actions i am concerned about….



  136.  #136Mandy on October 5, 2014 at 12:05 pm

    PS – just did my hair and doing my makeup, just to feel good today πŸ™‚ Love it πŸ™‚



  137.  #137lovetodance on October 5, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    thank you indigo….i like your suggestion….in my last post i did not intend to let him know he blew it…

    and again i see this as a teaching moment….i love the idea of being warm and leaned back….now to just let my nervous system in on it…
    i have such stuff about ‘rejection’….even if it really isn’t happening or happened or even if it did…

    yes goddesy way…walking the goddesy way! ha!



  138.  #138lovetodance on October 5, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    indigo….

    i too make friends frequently and easily….thank goodness…and i also find myself alone alot these days….much of the time i am so thankful for it…my solitude and time to process, integrate, experience my feelings….

    other times just yearn for the closeness and comfort of a good friend who really knows me and vice versa….many of my friends live a ways away…..

    hankering for the balance…

    and something to be said about timing in our lives….maybe the need for aloneness is stronger than the need for closeness at different stages in our lives…..

    and i realize that i don’t always reach out in ways to keep a connection alive….

    we are complex creatures….



  139.  #139Kristina on October 5, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Kim,

    Feeling defensive is totally normal when someone gets in your face like I did πŸ™‚ I am reacting trough the lens of my own history and perceptions. You said that you are happy alone. (It was never 100% the case for me) Does that mean you do not actually want a forever man? If so, then, of course, no need to clean up the space. Or even if you want a forever man, and are just taking what Rori calls “the third way” with MoM, as long as it feels good to you, that’s great.



  140.  #140Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    lovetodance,

    Yes we are complex creatures. I treasure being alone, and I can find ways to be happy in it, whatever happens. What I miss is not so much people in general… but a person who wants to reach for me the same way I want to reach for them. People seem so busy or just not very interested these days. I don’t know, I don’t want to sound arrogant because that’s not what it is, but they don’t seem very deep. They seem content with very very superficial relationships – connections seem to be no more than a wisp of air to most people. Things they could let go just like that. Whereas I could never be like that, and it hurts me when I am treated that way. When I decide to care for someone it’s deep and real for me, and it has meaning. I could not let them go just like that. I don’t know. It doesn’t really all make a lot of sense to me.



  141.  #141RileyTheOwl on October 5, 2014 at 12:51 pm

    Mandy,

    I LOVE the idea of a drawing or painting of siren island….! That would be so beautiful… I LOVE how you seem to be radiating light through your creativity which is blooming out all over this page… also doing hair and makeup and pampering ourselves is a wonderful way to feel like a goddess πŸ™‚ way to go, I feel so happy and inspired just reading what you have to say. <3



  142.  #142lovetodance on October 5, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    indigo 140

    i hear you indigo

    and it has been my experience that the people who can really be there….are out there….the other ones …its true….like wisps of air….

    i have been guilty of being wisp like at times…usually because i have so much going on in me internally that there is no space for anyone else….i hate to admit it …but it is true sometimes….

    i also feel that i have built up such great protective mechanisms from being hurt in the past …that i unforturenately have learned to not invest too …deeply

    i feel alot of this is the climate of our times….too much of human value has been trivialized and degraded…..especially interactions between humans…

    so here on siren island we are reminded of our humanity and depth…..interestingly in cyberspace….

    i have found such soulfullness here…really am continually amazed and impressed…

    love to you indigo! off to work i go…..

    deeply….



  143.  #143Waterfall on October 5, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Darling Indigo!

    I consider you as a friend ! Certainly on here and that counts for a lot..

    You are quiet and non-judgemental, but you are also sensitive, encouraging and compassionate.

    I believe you will have lots of friends!

    Yes, I have lots of animal friends too… Its like they really understand ??

    Love my cat cuddles…. πŸ™‚

    I think we all relate to needing friends. Thats why thr American sitcom Friends was so popular!! X



  144.  #144Waterfall on October 5, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Lol, I am so jealous of this girl that my ex id friends with. Even when I was with him they used to flirt with each other like I wasn’t there! Lol, I keep seeing her around and she is so bloody annoying. I hated how she flirted with him in front of me. It seemed more her than him. He is just a bit naive. But a woman doesn’t do that to another woman in my opinion. It was like she just didn’t care. I find her extremely rude yet I hate feeling like this. I still love my ex-boyfriend but I hate feeling all this toxicness… I know we have split up for the right reasons but yet it still leaves me with a bitter taste in mouth like I was just a pawn in their game… I feel like I’m obsessing over it. I find myself staring at her and thinking about her a lot. I feel quite disturbed about the whole thing. I find myself wishing I was her because then I would be perfect and happy and know that everyman fancied me! At least thats how she acts. I just wish I was that confident…

    I feel all this anger, obsession and bitterness towards her. I feel like Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction.. Lol, what is happening to me?! I keep thinking that there must be something wrong with be to get so obsessed.

    They both can go off and be together for all I care!!! I just feel so humiliated… And if they do get together all of our friends will be sooo happy for them… Want to run away and hide!!!



  145.  #145Waterfall on October 5, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    Mandy, in response to your situation. I know ai would feel 150% what you are feeling!!! Its weird I keep thinking what if it were the other way round. What if your boyfriend found pictures of you having sex with an 18 year old boy. I guess I was just wondering what my ex-boyfriend’s D would have been. Its interesting but to tell you the truth I think he would have been shocked but when he got over the shock he probably would have given me a high five, laughed to himself and said “good on you girl!!!”. I think he would have really respected me… Weird I know…. But what I am thinking is why is a mans reaction so different to a womans. Are we conditioned to feel a particular judgenental way about these sorts of things??! I don’t know… A I know is I think we may well be. I remember as achild hearing stories about an older girl down the road who had slept with half a dozen men in one night (even though this probably wasn’t true!!!) but I remember being disgusted by this girl yet I can’t have really known what I was talking about as I was about 8 at the time… But weird that I envisioned her as this whorelike character and from such a young age!!! Weird….



  146.  #146Dominique on October 5, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    Mandy – 126 – Can you see the amazing awareness you’ve gained? Can you appreciate how wonderful this is? With awareness you accomplish anything you wish. I think your blossoming has been awesome, and it continues.

    I also think we all have a tendency to sabotage ourselves at times, and it usually if not always comes down to fear, fear of having, fear of not having, fear of unworthiness, fear of any number of things, and it’s okay. You ARE aware.

    So little bit by little bit, you can challenge yourself to open yourself that little bit more, step more and more into your own love, as you share this with others.

    This is a journey sweetheart. Can you love your journey no matter what it looks like?

    xxoo



  147.  #147IamHis on October 5, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    I feel super triggered by the Mandy/Rori dialogue. Dominique, you are so sweet, & I remember your own personal triggering experiences.

    I feel curious about jealousy about men we are with and their past sexual experiences.

    Jealous, disturbed feelings seem like a natural, even good reaction. They seem self – loving to me. We are women and women want to be the queen, the only woman in the lives of our men.

    As inexperienced as I am, there is a lot I don’t know, & while that feels embarrassing so often, I refuse to feel ashamed of it.

    Mandy, I just wanted to tell you that I love your feelings.

    I am not wise enough to know whether or not they are fear-based, but does it matter?

    Feel them. Don’t try to explain them or analyze why they are there.

    We’re not supposed to do that anyway, are we?



  148.  #148IamHis on October 5, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    I wrote a long descriptive comment about my own feelings and experiences and my browser randomly decided to refresh before I was done. I feel so sad that it’s gone. πŸ™



  149.  #149IamHis on October 5, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    I feel sad, lonely, and embarrassed. I saw Smc. They’ve had their baby and he was walking up behind me by himself and I saw his reflection in the windows and I froze. I don’t even know how I feel but it doesn’t feel good.

    I tried to think of what Natalina taught me to do. I couldn’t find the words for how I felt. There was no time to touch anything but the door.

    I tried walking quicker, went inside, & held the door for the person behind me like I always do and it was him, he must have caught up with me. Still not knowing quite how I felt, I looked up at him and smiled and said “hey, congrats on your baby.”

    It didn’t feel natural. I didn’t feel like myself saying it, but I do believe that new life is precious.

    I feel conflicted. I feel jealous of married women with new borns. I feel surrounded by them and so jealous and almost angry at them; for not knowing the emptiness of could have been situations or childless ness, or of humiliating inexperience.

    I need to learn how to love my humiliation. I have voices in my head that others look at me and think you’re beautiful, what’s wrong with your insides? Pity or apathy.

    Not necessarily true!

    It feels difficult to love my humilation, my loneliness! I feel angry. I don’t want to be alone but I don’t want to lose my freedom, either!



  150.  #150Liquid Light on October 5, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Iamhis 146 – amen to that, girl!



  151.  #151Mandy on October 5, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Thank you IAmHis, Dominique and Riley…

    I CAN love my feelings and journey no matter what my experience is…and like I was remembering before…I remember what it felt like to not feel and it was so scary…I’m glad I can feel…I am very grateful to have feelings whether they are good or bad, that’s for certain…

    So weird feeling when we just want to run into the darkness and hide when we feel icky…when we don’t want others to see our ugly side…

    Fear can be so vulnerable…fear can help me learn…fear protects me…I have fears, I have issues…

    I hope in those issues my vulnerability and feminine beauty shines through…even though sometimes my feelings make me feel like I’m a freak or a monster…

    Feels so…weird lately. Where’s the fear coming from?

    Thank goodness for the Sirens. It’s funny how I can feel so grounded and sure of a certain situation and give advice on it then feel clueless with other situations and feelings.

    Much love to you Sirens, thanks for hearing me…



  152.  #152Azure Blu on October 5, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    lovetodance #129, 135,137
    Mmmmm… lovely Siren,,, how authentic and vulnerable you are sharing about your cd…

    for me it seems important to feel your feelings around him not calling even though he did ask you for your number…
    I think you were sharing some of your feelings around that…
    Loving your feelings of Rejection and ….???

    Also i feel concerned about you trying to control the situation by letting him know it’s ok not to call that meeting in the park is fine…
    It seems to me this is a good time to PRACTICE
    Practice sharing with him that it feels so good to see him… and then STOP…
    See how that feels…
    Wouldn’t it be over functioning to try and fix the situation and rescue him?



  153.  #153Azure Blu on October 5, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    Indigo…
    I agree… you are such a warm, thoughtful Siren.
    All the time and good insights you share with All of us.
    I know you are a good friend to have here on Siren Island…
    I agree… friendships do take time… there is an ebb and flow to them that leaves my heart aching sometimes…
    I know I am NOT always there for my friends when I should be…
    I have been practicing the RR tools with my friends also and have found it as difficult to be vulnerable and authentic with them
    BUT when I do, I feel closer… I know they feel closer to me cause I have let down more of my Wall!!!
    Huggs darling one…



  154.  #154Azure Blu on October 5, 2014 at 10:00 pm

    (((((Mandy))))
    You inspire ME… So many changes you are going through… thank you for your vulnerability… it is precious and beautiful…
    All the harmones and all the breakthroughs with J and getting more emotionally intimate..
    Big, Scary issues for all of us…
    Your soul and heart can only handle so much!!!
    I loved what Rori Said… You didn’t do anything wrong…
    He didn’t do anything wrong… It just happened..
    JUST FEEL…!!!!



  155.  #155Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    ((((Waterfall))))

    ((((Azure Blu))))

    Thank you my dear sweet goddess friends. You have made me feel very good and cared for.

    I feel very thankful for Siren island and this place I can come to to share whatever’s on my heart.

    xxx



  156.  #156Indigo on October 5, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    Lovetodance,

    Thank you for the love, and for sharing with me so authentically – I imagine it is like you and Azure Blu say, we fear being vulnerable and getting hurt. And yet I wish it wasn’t so.

    Waterfall – I have two of my cats sweetly engaging in a grooming routine here on my bed as I type. They always come and find me when I need them, cat cuddles do feel so good!



  157.  #157Emerson on October 5, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    148 Iamhis
    I can so relate to this post and your feelings…even though I am older than you.
    I don’t have children and wish I did, I’ve had failed relationships and I see my peers with their families and husbands and I feel like an outsider and I feel embarrassed for my “failures’…it can feel like a very lonely place.
    There are times I feel a huge urgency to “fix” this by getting married “right now” and having a baby…but it doesn’t seem to be on the horizon at the moment and I don’t like how the urgency feels..
    I am walking myself through this every day and especially at church… I feel isolated and weird like a freak.
    I am working on loving and accepting myself through this….xoxo love to you
    Emerson



  158.  #158Azure Blu on October 5, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    ((((Emerson)))
    I feel your sadness and tender heart through your beautiful vulnerability
    Lovely Siren!!! oxoxo

    I TRUELLY believe that YOU loving all of YOU
    and YOUR Feelings
    will get you
    the vision and dream you sooo deserve!!!



  159.  #159Emerson on October 5, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    Thank you Azur Blue xoxo



  160.  #160IamHis on October 6, 2014 at 4:37 am

    ((((((Emerson)))))))



  161.  #161Femininewoman on October 6, 2014 at 5:05 am

    Wow Kim. Have you asked your tears what they were helping you to do?

    You were curious about how the visit would play out. Now you know. Actions speak louder than words and they seem to be telling you that in his mind (110) you are a friend.

    I wonder if sexual tension and emotional starvation could push a man over the edge to commit with his soul and his being? I wonder if spending most nights and weekends with a man takes away his need to prove anything?



  162.  #162Femininewoman on October 6, 2014 at 5:23 am

    Mandy reading that first post had me feeling like a tornado was blowing through my insides. I felt my vibration rising higher and higher as I imagined those pictures. Feeling the excitement of seeing sexually explicit pictures at the same time as anger and rage at the reality of who were in those pics.

    I like Rori’s take. So real, so tough love like, so challenging.

    Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. I would not be surprised if it is your health challenge that fed into that reaction. Our bodies as so amazing.



  163.  #163Kim on October 6, 2014 at 6:25 am

    FW – good points.

    Actually, things took a turn for the better…they changed plans, partly because he knew that I would like to do something ourdoors, and he wanted to see me too, so we all went boating and cooked dinner together. It was lovely and fun and felt really nice.

    We still had a little hiccup at the end of the night but nothing major.

    I am super busy this week and most likely won’t see him for a few days, which will feel good to me, a kind of re-assessment and natural leaning back.
    All good.



  164.  #164Kim on October 6, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Kristina, I believe that ‘being happy alone’ or rather ‘being comfortable on one’s own’ is a necessary state of being to actually get to a forever relationship.

    If you are not happy by and with yourself, and love yourself, how is it possible to be with another person fully – unless it is co-dependency. And neediness just to have ‘somebody’. I see plenty of those relationships and in their own way they ‘work’ for the people even if I see the dysfunctionality.
    It’s not what I want.
    I want to be with someone who compliments me, not because I ‘need’ to be with someone.

    Hence, I am not in a rush or wanting to latch on to every Tom, Dick and Harry who gives me a bit of attention….

    That’s not the same as not being ready for a forever man.



  165.  #165Kim on October 6, 2014 at 6:31 am

    *complements* me lol. Compliments are nice, but..lol



  166.  #166Indigo on October 6, 2014 at 7:25 am

    Kim,

    I feel very much that way, which is why I am not settled down yet. I entered into my first marriage out of a great deal of neediness, and that didn’t work out so well, and so a great deal of my energy since has gone into being happy and comfortable with myself and on my own, and loving myself. A natural consequence of that, and it’s not one I intended, is that it has made me much more discerning of what my forever relationship will look like. I get asked out quite a lot and of course I am looking for my forever man, but I’m willing to wait for it because I expect it to be quite a special kind of guy who fits the bill. I expect the whole thing to be quite special and unique, and so I’m willing to wait for it… that is not the same thing as wanting to be alone.



  167.  #167Kim on October 6, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Agree Indigo!



  168.  #168Kim on October 6, 2014 at 8:56 am

    I found out something pretty icky and felt embarrassed to share it here but wondering what your thoughts are.

    Mom and his 41 year old sister sleep in the same bed (he has only one bedroom but also a big couch).

    I have no siblings and tried to think perhaps it is normal..but…bearing in mind that we sneaked around the whole weekend like teenagers, not an adult couple…and then he dropped me off at my place, the sister was at his apartment…and we cuddled etc.
    It was midnight when he said he had to get back home.
    I thought he was going to stay the night and return to his sister in the morning…but no. I said nothing and he realized how weird it was and started apologizing and ‘are you ok?’.

    Basically he ran at midnight to crawl into bed with his 41 year old sister…and left me alone. I could not help but feel so weird about this, and in many ways it reminded me about the situation in the keys, when he sped to the exes rescue and dropped me….a big like ‘oh Kim will be ok’.
    I wasn’t really ok with it.
    Neither was I ok with our communication slipping totally almost this weekend.

    I don’t want him to stay overnight at my place for a while…reason being it doesn’t feel good to me to be picked up and droped anyway, let alone like that.

    I feel a very weird and almost slightly sick dynamic in this man’s life….it doesn’t feel like my normal, to be honest.

    What would you make of that?



  169.  #169Sassy on October 6, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Oh Kim….
    IN my humble opinion, it’s wrong on so many levels.
    I realize you like him, but I am seeing red flags all over the place and reading that post made me feel sick to my stomach and my heart is literally pounding in my chest.

    Your gut instinct is telling you exactly the right thing that you said in the last line in you post. Instincts are NEVER wrong!



  170.  #170Sassy on October 6, 2014 at 9:11 am

    New thread up, meet you there



  171.  #171Emerson on October 6, 2014 at 9:50 pm

    Wow yes to answer the question of this post and article, my family triggers me a lot.

    And also my coworkers on my current team, I am feeling so triggered but unnecessary drama right now. And somehow I’ve found myself smack dab in the middle of it!
    I don’t want to be in the middle of it, but here I am. Is it because I want to be because as Rori says it feel like home somehow?
    Or is it because I am a leader of my team and I have to address tough issues and drama is sometimes inevitable when people are being held accountable?
    I have a partnership with one of my coworkers that is willing to help me resolve some conflict going on right now, and honestly I just want to run from it.
    I can’t run this time.
    I have to face it.
    Freaking A. I have to face it alright.
    And there’s a lot at stake here.
    I feel overwhelmed and resentful for the drama which I feel is overdramatic antics and ridiculousness. I feel annoyed by the situation itself.
    I came home tonight and asked myself, how can I step outside this feeling of drama and escape the feeling of heaviness, why am I bringing it home with me?
    I feel a heaviness and a mad face thinking about tomorrow, and tightness in my tummy and feeling like clenched fists over my abdomen and eyes shut. I feel scared and headachy and increased heart rate.
    I feel furious and I feel like running away.
    And I will accept my partners offer to be a buffer and help resolve the drama.
    I was also reminding myself today to calm myself down that I am giving it way more power than I should be.
    Any reframing tips would be greatly appreciated.



  172.  #172Indigo on October 6, 2014 at 10:16 pm

    Wow Emerson,

    I don’t know that I have any reframing tips as such, but a partner who is willing to help you resolve the drama? What a wonderful thing! Treasure that person. Imagine yourselves as a team and there is nothing you can’t accomplish together. The drama will just melt away. I think it would feel so good to have someone in your corner.



  173.  #173Yvette on October 7, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Please, I really want to understand the β€˜when’ of backing away!
    I understand: stand there and feel (it can feel disgusting). I understand not β€˜acting’ onto the environment, and I understand staying open.- I feel good about these.

    Where I’m having trouble is the backing away.
    The feminine experience to me, feels a lot more intuitive. β€œOoohh this feels so good!”
    β€œOh I feel curious.” β€œEw I feel weirded out!”

    So I have the idea that we respond with standing still or backing up based on our emotions.
    “Ohhh this feels good – I like this..” – Stand still, open up more and let it run through me more deeply.
    “Oh that feels a bit sharp.” – I’ll take a step back, that feels better, bit more space.
    “I feel so disgusted, I’ve expressed my feelings out loud (I don’t want to hear myself be called a bitch, I feel furious.) – I want to leave the room.
    “I feel sick, something feels so wrong, I don’t feel safe” – want to leave and never see this man again.

    Please, do I intuitively move back, or is there something I don’t understand?

    Sometimes I’m forcing myself to stand still in place even though I’m getting all my feeling messages loud and clear to back up – I stand still because I’m under the impression I should be doing that to get more triggered even if I don’t feel safe or am being verbally abused. I think I have the wrong end of the stick – please clarify!
    Rori I would LOVE to hear your thoughts.



  174.  #174Rori Raye on October 7, 2014 at 11:09 pm

    Yvette – you’ve got it, with the moving back and forth – you control the energy dynamic this way, and feel stronger. This way – you don’t have to close down emotionally, you can just step back! Love, Rori



  175.  #175Azure Blu on October 8, 2014 at 12:41 am

    Yvette,,,
    Wow… you are using the tools sooo well!!
    Great job…

    I know Rori has also said if you are getting verbally abused and it feels scary and bad…
    Say what you wrote…
    β€œI feel sick, something feels so wrong, I don’t feel safe”
    and then turn around and leave the room…
    She has that in Toxic Men CD



  176.  #176Yvette on October 8, 2014 at 7:42 pm

    Wow! Thanks Ladies!!
    I feel so electric and encouraged! Almost fell off the chair!
    Thank for clearing that up, my Tree feels even stronger! πŸ˜‰
    Lots of Love from Australia
    xx



  177.  #177Daria on October 13, 2014 at 3:59 am

    wow thank yo Yvette and Rori! so helpful! Yvette your scripts feel so empowering to me!



  178.  #178Tee on November 1, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    I have 2 questions! First question is, how/where can I post any question or situation without disturbing anyone else’s post?

    Secondly, what do you do when your entire family is made up of women with masculine energy? Most of them/us find it hard just sitting still doing nothing. I also have to say that most of them are not in relationships and if they are, (myself included) it could use some serious help!

    Any advice is appreciated πŸ™‚

    Tee



  179.  #179Rori Raye on November 2, 2014 at 7:22 am

    Tee – You sound like almost ALL of us! That’s what we’re doing here – using the Tools, CDing for practice, and changing our lives! Try reading everything you find here, get at least my ebook (over in the sidebar) and paticipate here to learn how to use Feeling Messages correctly and ALWAYS – and it will all change for you! Love, Rori (“Switching Hats” is what you want to learn – to be able to fluidly go from masculine to feminine energy and back again!)



  180.  #180teresa on November 2, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    I have not posted for sometime as my father passed away 2 weeks ago. I want to thanks all of you that kept him and me in your hearts and prayers.

    Teresa