Don’t Bother With Him…

womaneyesinwater

womaneyesinwaterThe Question:

Hi Rori,

Please help me. I have been reading your blog and trying my best to practice some of the things you talk about. Here is my current situation: I am an actress, and am currently in a show that is in my hometown. This guy named Joseph, who is in the show with me, started heavily pursuing me about a month ago. I leaned back, unzippered my heart, and let him pursue me.

Things were going really well. He is currently going through a divorce and has been separated from his ex-wife for a few months now. Anyways, he told me that he was dating me and this other woman named Sue at the same time. He told Sue about me as well. I am also “talking” with another guy and trying my best to circular date and be open to others.

The other night, he asked me what would happen if down the road, he decided that he wanted to be exclusive with me, but I was still dating the other guy. I told him that we would have to see what happens but that by that point, he would prove to me that he really wants to be with me. The question kind of caught me off guard but I tried to handle it the best way that I could.

He was going to take me out on our first official date last night (I had to cancel our original first date back in February because I was sick.) So, after rehearsal, he told me that he was so excited to finally take me out on a date and to spend more time with me. We were both really looking forward to having a wonderful evening together.

Then, the morning when our first date was supposed to be, he sent me a text at 6:30 a.m. telling me that he was “very sorry” but him and Sue had had a long, good talk the night before and decided to date exclusively. Joseph and I ended up talking on the phone for over two hours and talked about the whole situation. I used a lot of “I feel…I don’t want…” statements and I know that I definitely expressed myself in a way that was heard.

He feels very sorry for everything and he said that he still has feelings for me, but that at this point he wants to see what happens with Sue because dating two women at the same time is too much for him. He and Sue have had sex. Him and I have not. At this point, he has “made up his mind” and is going to see what happens with Sue.

I know that I can’t go after him, or lean forward, or do any of those things, but what do I do? I am going to be seeing A LOT of him the next three weeks, since we will be performing together in this musical we are in. Should I just be calm and collected? I want him. I am the prize to be won here, and I want him to realize that and to know that he made a big mistake in choosing her. Please help me Rori.

Mona

My Answer:

Mona, hi, this is Rori, and though I can’t coach you by email, legally or ethically, unless you’re a client with paperwork, etc.… I will say that it is my firm conviction that any time we spend any energy at all focusing on any man who is not purposefully and clearly coming toward US ONLY! – we are very deeply NOT loving ourselves.

A man who is not all over us, getting rid of any other women in the picture in order to be with us, is not for us.

I would love to encourage you to focus on your career, start circular dating (which is your best strategic move in this case anyway) and completely forget about this man.

Treat him exactly as he is – a coworker. This is what being a rockstar Modern Siren means in my world… no man who is and all about you gets any energy from you.

Love, Rori

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27 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on April 22, 2016 at 6:54 am

    “any man who is not purposefully and clearly coming toward US ONLY! – we are very deeply NOT loving ourselves” – Bingo



  2.  #2Femininewoman on April 22, 2016 at 7:00 am

    Mona I think it will be great to get to see you in all your glory while your energy is not invested in him. It will be clear to him what he doesn’t have.



  3.  #3April Rose on April 22, 2016 at 12:26 pm

    Phew, did I learn this one recently.
    And it feels SO good to turn off my desire for someone who isn’t in hot pursuit.
    No matter how much I like a man, if he is not coming at me and wanting to see me, then he takes up no room in my thoughts. And no room in my heart!



  4.  #4April Rose on April 22, 2016 at 12:30 pm

    It is a decision of self-love to say “no thank you” to those thoughts that make me yearn for someone who is not available.

    It feels so good to only give my attention or energy to someone who is making all the right moves towards me.

    Even if they don’t feel like my ‘forever’ partner, it is still excellent self-love training.



  5.  #5April Rose on April 22, 2016 at 12:34 pm

    If it had been me, as soon as the guy told me he was going to date the other lady exclusively I’d have said “thank you for telling me” and said goodnight and ended the conversation right there.

    You talked for two hours! What a waste of your valuable time and energy.

    You say he has only been seperated a couple of months. Alarm bells right there!!
    I reckon you have dodged a bullet here, Mona.



  6.  #6Liquid Light on April 22, 2016 at 12:54 pm

    April Rose 5

    I agree with you 100%. I wouldn’t have wasted another second of my precious time on him!

    As women, we need to value ourselves and our time because if we don’t, no one else will!



  7.  #7Beloved on April 22, 2016 at 4:31 pm

    Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you.



  8.  #8Mandy on April 23, 2016 at 12:17 am

    Indigo and Victoria,

    It’s wierd Rori posted exactly this because we spoke of me going for low-energy guys.

    Dancing Wolf IS falling out of the rotation because I just don’t feel like putting that much effort out.

    Oddly enough, Valentine came back…strongly. He saw me at an event. He made a strong point to come to me and say hi, to tell me not to apologize for what happened with us separating, and we ended up being each other’s company for the night. I even got breakfast with he and and friend of his.
    Well, he wanted to visit me. Remember how he never would? Well, he did, and apparently all is forgiven between us, because we were nuzzling and holding each other the whole time. It wasn’t a pushy thing at all, we didn’t have to work hard at it to be that way we just were like that and it’s odd, it feels like I’m CDing with a different Valentine now. I got to talk to him, feel him out, as he is truly, and exchange energy with him and that was all I wanted.

    I have no idea why he came back or why he’s really into seeing me now. I didn’t…do anything, I just stuck up for myself and stopped seeing him. He just happened to see me someplace.

    This is something that happens, no kidding, with everyone who
    I have a deep relationship with, then they go away, whether they
    come back wanting more romance, or just to reminisce, or apologize,
    they always come back…

    Anyway, ya, Dancing Wolf was asking me to join him at one of his favorite places at one point but I think I blew it and said I was tired. That might not actually be blowing it, but…whatever.

    I’m….34….I have lots of health issues, and I have a symptom of exhaustion. I like it when a man comes to my place.

    I have a little cute apartment, and i keep it sanitary and neat, and the masculine ones will come straight to my place no questions asked if I want, no problems.

    TallNDark is one and Valentine is another.
    Saw a very old date from liek ten years ago and went out with him, dunno what to call him yet…



  9.  #9Mandy on April 23, 2016 at 12:46 am

    Indigo –

    “Is your boy energy going unemployed?

    Is this energy you maybe want to be putting into you, into your own life?”

    I am completely floating in space in my life, I don’ work, considered “disabled” andI don’t feel too great about not having any interests. I try to start things like classes or learning things or art, but goodness gracious does my condition make me sluggish. I feel uninspired.

    I guess that would be the equivalent of having my boy energy being completely unemployed, so yes!

    I JUST thought about doing a phlebotomy course for a certificate and I would draw people’s blood and make around $3,000/year, which is a lot better than $8,000 on SSI.

    Yes, Indigo…Yes! I feel so…darn passionless, bored, uninspired, listless.

    I would love to run to a Siren right now and hug her, like I did with my mom, when I was a kid and I felt upset.

    It IS energy I want in my life. SO if it’s there, then what happens in turn to me and my situation? Attracting men who don’t have too much pride to come to me?

    I just thought maybe ig I out-girled him it might work but ugh you’re right it’s so methodical!

    Excuse my French, but screw it….if he wants me, he’ll make a move! 😛 I’m tireeeed 🙂



  10.  #10Mandy on April 23, 2016 at 12:47 am

    Dangit, 30,000, not 3,000….



  11.  #11Dixie on April 23, 2016 at 4:04 am

    Mandy…..

    I hear you…. The times when I was feeling listless or uninspired were times my focus would shift definitely to the men in my life. I can create “worry” over nothing!

    As Indigo mentioned, these were the times I would have to get my inner boy to do some work by steering my focus away from the men. For me, having a passion project or creative outlet is really really helpful. Gay Hendricks talks about this a bit, specifically that having a creative outlet can bring joy right back into our lives. Painting, physical movement, cooking, baking, creating anything really feels good.

    What I love is that it brings back this really joyful, creative energy right away, and right away shifts my inner vibe.



  12.  #12Olivia on April 23, 2016 at 9:29 am

    Hi to all the Sirens —

    Super pregnant over here – a couple days past my due date —

    Pondering how the new baby will change the flow of my relationship and my life and my energy and everything —

    Hoping some sort of goddess energy will get me through a natural childbirth (which is what I want)!



  13.  #13Azure Blu on April 23, 2016 at 9:51 am

    (((Olivia)))!!!
    Wow… it’s a full moon… that should have a Little Pull on getting the baby to come on out!! :-))

    I have 2 children… all grown now…
    I remember it did impact my relationships… a lot…
    but the first few months were a BIG adjustment…
    and then life started to reajust nicely!
    I was 30 when i had my first…
    Wish I had known the Rori Tools back then…
    would have made EVERYTHING so much more magical
    and less stressful…

    Being present tool seems like a good tool during labor… but there’s nothing wrong with some drug induced relief if you get exhausted…

    Ahhhh… the MAGIC of a NEW life – YOUR very own child… Sparkles, fairy dust and fireworks!!!
    Congratulations!



  14.  #14Diva on April 23, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    need help on male relationship that is my goals



  15.  #15Starla on April 23, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    I am thinking about lilybelly. I hope she’s okay.



  16.  #16Millie on April 23, 2016 at 9:57 pm

    I love this post. If he is choosing another woman refocus your energy on YOU and being the best version of yourself!

    An update with online dating, I started to overwhelmed again and less interested in meeting men from the site. So far, one I am definitely willing to meet. He works in the arts like me and so far is taking the masculine lead beautifully. I feel comfortable with his level of pursuit and interest. Another guy flaked on our plan, I just never heard from him. Another I didn’t feel 100% into meeting. I want to start flirting more with men I meet in person and see where that takes me.

    I am loving my friendship with guy friend T. I am practicing with him and decided to stop initiating contact to see what would happen. I’m not sure if he realizes it, but he initiates almost all of our conversations now. I like it. I feel safe. He planned this wknd again, which I love love love. Asked me to go to a store with him and to dinner at this new place I have t been. It wasn’t a date, but I still appreciate all his masculine gestures and everything in between. Making eye contact, him telling a story of how he noticed me, when I didn’t realize he was watching me. Him complimenting how I looked today, him asking me if I visualized my wedding, what it would be like… I can’t help but want to fall into this man’s vibe. I feel so attracted to him as a person. This is a new feeling for me…the physical chemistry kind of secondary and a direct result of my being attracted to his soul. I like it. And this is what I want to feel in a relationship and so much more, how it deepens with time and growth. Anyway, I’m happy… We will see what happens.

    Heard from an old ex today. The one who actually caused me to find Rori! How times have changed. I feel nothing for him. He wrote some crazy messages to me saying he wanted to sleep with me. I did t even respond.



  17.  #17Mandy on April 24, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    Indigo….is very insightful. SO much so, that even when a truth is brought to light by her, it strikes a chord in me and sometimes it’s a trigger, but sometimes we need to hear things we don’t want to.

    Indigo I wonder if you should try coaching? Maybe?

    (I still feel bad about that, but that’s my issue not hers, lol. I’ve come to love Indigo and have warmth in my heart for her brazen honesty 🙂 I feel guilty about everything all the time – martyr’s complex 😛 My mom says don’t feel bad unless you have a reason. My anxiety tells me I always do, lol.)

    Today I am exzcited to go to a friend’s BBQ. I also have a date set with one of my CDs hehehehe.

    Not bad, the only issue I have today is to decide what to wear, lol 🙂



  18.  #18Indigo on April 24, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Mandy,

    I feel really so complimented by that. Thank you. Remember what I said, I don’t say anything that I say from a judgmental place, only because I’ve been there and from a desire to help.

    I have considered coaching many, many times, and really feel deep down it’s what I was called to do. HOWEVER, it is not for this time in my life. I cannot do something that I am so passionate about in order to make a living – for me, that would not be following my true purpose of helping people if I am driven to make an income. I won’t put that sort of pressure on my passion, and I also won’t compromise my integrity and objectivity like that – or what it seems to me. So I will do coaching when I retire one day, and in the meantime, I will do work that I enjoy, but it will be work. Sorry for the lengthy answer to your question.

    I would tend to want to point you to what you yourself have said… your boredom and your boy energy going unemployed. Passions and pursuits and hobbies and interests and work are so important… otherwise we simply risk looking for too much in a man which just isn’t there.

    Hugs to you.



  19.  #19Indigo on April 24, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    Sirens,

    I just wanted to check in and let you know that I’m extremely, extremely beyond over-the-moon happy.



  20.  #20Azure Blu on April 25, 2016 at 6:10 am

    Indigo #18
    Ahhhh… I feel bright, sunshiny fireworks for you!!!
    you so deserve Alll this Wonderful Happiness!!
    Huggs darling!!!
    oxoxo



  21.  #21Femininewoman on April 25, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Millie you mean Mechanic?

    haha

    Wasn’t he in a serious relationship? I wonder what happened.



  22.  #22Femininewoman on April 25, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Me too Starla. Me too.



  23.  #23Liquid Light on April 25, 2016 at 10:30 am

    Yay Indigo #18! 🙂



  24.  #24Millie on April 25, 2016 at 12:38 pm

    Femininewoman– no Mechanic is still in a serious relationship. This was an ex from before him that I was hung up on for six years. Kind of weird and random of him to pop up.



  25.  #25Eva on April 25, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    After using the skills gained here, my two year on and off courtship with the guy I have been dating is in marriage talk. He indicated with one exception that I get Botox around my eyes because I am 10 years his senior but I look 10 years younger than I am. He indicated he would pay for it and wrote me a check immediately for it. I’m feeling divided on how I’m feeling about this. He also is critical of my friends who are older. I feel worried that he will continue to see difenciencies in me as I will continue to get more wrinkles. Need some advice on this?



  26.  #26Mandy on April 26, 2016 at 10:56 am

    No problems with lengthy answers Indigo, I enjoy them more than you know!



  27.  #27Kim on May 23, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    Eva on April 25, 2016 at 9:27 pm — Please, stop talking marriage with him. All the comments were making me so happy and smile, then I came to yours, and my face dropped, not sure if it was shock or sadness or a combo. Use your Rori tools and skills on a man more deserving. He should take you as you are. He knows you are older, he shouldn’t change you. I am 7 years older than my man, so I know what you are feeling and self-consciousness about age creeps in for me too, but please don’t talk marriage with this one. You should be putting conditions on him, not him putting conditions on you. If you can get one man 10 years younger, it must mean you are beautiful, and vivacious with a young energy and spirit, don’t waste that spirit on this man. Blessings