Don’t Have A “Talk” With Him – Just Speak From Your Heart

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What’s the difference between speaking to a man from your heart or just having a “talk” with him?

To start: If you approach communicating with your man as a “talk,” that assumes some kind of reaction, cooperation and participation from him.

It creates an “agenda” for you, which means you come to the “talk” with an IDEA of how it should go and what you want from it.

This is great if you’ re negotiating.

But only if what you’re negotiating for is to feel good about whatever happens.

Too often, we come to a negotiation with an outcome in mind.

Even though we say it’s a fair negotiation, usually we really want something specific from it, and we’ll be disappointed if we don’t get that.

That’s why I don’t talk about having “talks” with your man.

Instead, I teach you to write “speeches.”

A SPEECH is something you can write out beforehand, using everything you know about Feeling Messages, that EXPRESSES to your man exactly what you’re feeling.

And you can prepare it in advance as much as you can so that you don’t fall into any of the communication traps – like making him wrong, or telling him what to do, or trying to get your way, or trying to control the situation in any way.

So try this:

1. Ask yourself if you’re talking to your man because you want an OUTCOME – a RESULT – or if you just want the experience of sharing feelings and thoughts and your heart with him.

If you get an answer from yourself that you WANT SOMETHING from a man – that’s your signal to sit down and think and write and feel your way to a better way to communicate with him.

2. Take out a piece of paper and write down what you THINK you want to say to him.

3. Now look at what you wrote carefully, and edit it with a tough eye…make sure you’re not telling him what you want him to do, or what he did wrong, or what he should be doing or thinking or saying to make you happy (or make him a good man) – and make sure you’re not complaining or harping or suggesting or any of the things you’ll find in the “4 Rules” in my ebook Have The Relationship You Want.

Cut out anything that sounds like something that would make YOU feel DEFENSIVE if he said it to YOU.

4. Now, replace everything you cut out with a Feeling Message.

If you do this all throughout the day – you’ll begin to turn around even your THOUGHTS!

You’ll start to catch yourself when you’re “blaming” him – or even worse, yourself – for how things are going.

You’ll sit down and write it all out and “translate” everything that comes up for you into words and thoughts that a man can HEAR.

You’ll change the way your thoughts and what you say are “constructed” so that when he “hears” you – he’ll WANT to change for you!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Meemee on December 27, 2010 at 7:49 am

    For the wonderful support you gave me, I claim this post for you 🙂

  2.  #2Jilly on December 27, 2010 at 9:03 am

    I LOVE this post!!!! This is what I’ve been wondering about for the last few days….and I’ve been working on my “expressing speeches” for how I feel about pipeliner man coming to stay with me for a week…

  3.  #3Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 9:14 am

    @1: Meemee says:

    Thanks, Meemee. I think we will both be striving for the top in 2011. You are welcome to any help I can give.

    I’m still helping myself also as you are too; I’m always learning new things. As time goes by, one day your path will cross another young lady in similar situation–I can almost guarantee it– and you will be able to help her with the same thing.

    I’m very touched by your claiming number one for me. 😀 And next time go for yourself! I like to use it as a reminder that we get lots of tries in life.

    I’ve also put a little sticker symbol for you in my agenda calendar…your symbol is blue bird (of happiness) and I’ll be sending you good vibes as I carry it around with me.


  4.  #4Ella on December 27, 2010 at 9:46 am


    Re-posting here as just posted this on last thread before seeing new one. This is an answer to your post 145 on last thread:


    Re 145,

    I feel triggered.

    I have seen you post a few times now about my response to your post about what you would do for your man, however never directly responding to me.

    I felt furious and shaky when I read, as if my feelings are being judged and diseminated but in an indirect way. It does not feel safe / honest. It feels like you are trying to make my feelings wrong or get others on board to say they are wrong.

    If you notice in my response I was not judging your behaviour or your ideas about what you would do, I simply said how I felt reading it… and for me that was ‘ICK’.

    It was ICK for me bc I chose to feminine role in relationship which is about being and not doing, and so everything you were writing about are the things I am trying to STOP doing.

    They are the things I would like a man to do for me.

    However I went on to say that you might be different from me and also that I might not be getting it correct, but that was how your post made ME feel.

  5.  #5Turtle Girl on December 27, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Doing this is healing for ourselves and the man.
    If he can not respond to a feeling speech and/or tries to make us feel guilty or gets angry etc and it never gets better, then all the better that we have done this.
    Some are too toxic to change and do not want to change. At least with us getting our side of the street cleaned up and healed we can then recognize the difference in men who are worth our precious time and those who are not. This has been a real eye opener for me in this way. The ones who “step down” or fall away are not the men for me.

  6.  #6marina on December 27, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Hi Rori,

    Thanks for the post

    So, does negotiating mean ‘boy’ energy or is that too much of a short cut?

    I feel lonely being here bymyself all day long s**ks, I feel a tight feeling in my throat and chest.

    I feel so afraid that BF4 will let me down, I feel like I let him down while he is going through some rough times and asked me for help.

    I feel like crying so much now, tears are falling from my face.

    I feel like I slammed a door in his face.

    I feel I want to be there for him. I feel I need him to be here for me. I feel I want us to be a team, but I don’t know how.
    I feel I am waiting for him to tell me it is gonna be OK.

    I feel I should do something for me.

    I miss the good times we spent together when we were going out and had great sex and he wasn’t worried about money.

    I feel bad that money is so important to how he feels.

    I feel afraid of money.
    I feel afraid of not having enough money.
    Of not having enough to give to get.
    Of not having enough.
    Of not being enough.

    Of not being enough to ask for what I want.

    Oh,and I feel afraid that if I learn how to take care of myself, men will believe I don’t need them.
    And I fear I will always be alone and this lonely.

    I feel that that kind of taking care of myself is being too much and only in boy energy (I can do everything myself and don’t need anyone) and having one hat stuck on my head, like you teach us here.

    I feel I am still getting the boy and girl energy mixed up. I feel taking care of myself also means asking others for what I need and allowing them to give it to me.

    I feel I want BF4 to feel that I love him, with or without money. I value quality time together more than him spending money on me.

    I wonder if it is a healthy thing, that he worries about money, since that is a part of taking care of him (and me).
    I feel I trust he wants to solve it.

    I feel I understand him a little bit now.

    I feel that I want to be there with him as a team while he is taking care of earning money and while I am feminine.
    I feel I don’t want to wait for his time and affection untill he has earned ‘enough’ money.

    I feel that is sort of a boundary. Well, I feel I want to live my life in the best way possible and not just be sitting here and waiting.

    I feel a little better now, letting all of this out.

    I also feel fed up and tired of all these emotions, when do the happy fun times begin?

    I want to have attention and growing and sharing!!!

    And all sorts of other lovely bright happy things, experiences and people around me.

    Hmm, I feel hungry, I am gonna make some yummy healthy food.

    Ciao, Marina

  7.  #7marina on December 27, 2010 at 10:09 am

    Hi Turtle Girl,

    I like that ‘precious time’.
    Thanks for the reminder.


  8.  #8Turtle Girl on December 27, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Ella#75 last post you said:

    “And the funniest thing was I no longer felt attracted to him. So it seems his flaky behavior is no longer appealing to me!”

    This is what happened to me as well. When I began to feel my way around in stead in think my way around, I let go of a whole bunch of stuff through the speeches, feelings, boundaries I now have. What happens is that stuff heals for us and we are not longer attracted to the kind of man we used to be attracted to whether that is toxic or whatever. It is very freeing.

    I am looking forward to more work and more healing as time goes on, and then the one right for me will show up, and I am sure the one right for you as well. xxoo

  9.  #9Turtle Girl on December 27, 2010 at 10:13 am


    Your welcome.


  10.  #10marina on December 27, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Choosing the path

    “I am willing to give up everything”, said the prince to the master. “Please accept me as your disciple.”

    “How does a man choose his path?” asked the master.

    “Through sacrifice,” answered the prince. “A path which demands sacrifice, is a true path.”

    The master bumped into some shelves. A precious vase fell, and the prince threw himself down in order to grab hold of it. He fell badly and broke his arm, but managed to save the vase.

    “What is the greater sacrifice: to watch the vase smash, or break one’s arm in order to save it?” asked the master.

    “I do not know,” said the prince.

    “Then how can you guide your choice for sacrifice?


  11.  #11AmberS on December 27, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Dearest Sirens,

    You have made the past few months so much better for me. I love the support you’ve offered me and each other. I love the growth I’ve witnessed and the love that washes away old disagreements and the ebb and flow of connections.

    It’s taking all of my focus and strength to stay on my own path right now. My heart is learning to create a new vision for my future. I still find Mr. Almost in almost every thought. It hurts. All. The. Time.

    They say we attract people at our own level of woundedness. What this means to me is that I had better be the kind of person I want to marry. I’m pretty close. And getting closer every day.

    I wont be here for a while. I feel sad to lose the connection with so many of you. If you feel like emailing me, I’ll be checking that sporadically and I’d love to stay in touch: ambereden at

    Love, love, love- Amber

  12.  #12Meemee on December 27, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Love you too
    Take care

  13.  #13janjune on December 27, 2010 at 10:56 am

    i love that you wrote this!

    “I love the growth I’ve witnessed and the love that washes away old disagreements and the ebb and flow of connections.”

    yes! love that!
    …we *are* learning that here… how to wash away (our) disagreements (in) the ebb and flow of connections… so we can do this with our step-up men when they show up 🙂

    hope you don’t stay gone too long 🙂

  14.  #14Ella on December 27, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Ok, fess up time for me…

    I have been feeling dread to post about this for fear of being judged and made wrong, and also my own fears about the choices I make and trusting myself.

    I agreed to stop dating other men and ‘be with’ Mr Barman!

    Phew, I said it!

    Wha! Whatever that means.

    I feel shaky to say on here, as I feel like a naughty child breaking rules.

    I have also seen other Sirens do this and then justify their decisions no end, only to have it all fall apart a few weeks later.

    And because of this I feel fear.

    So I am not going to go into whether this is the ‘wrong or right’ decision. Only that it is the one I am going with for now.

    I do not want to stop CD-ing at all, I just want to work out how to do it in a way that feels respectful to Mr Barman as well as to myself.

    For example when we spoke about this more he said he was not ok with me going on dates with other guys to see whether they could potentially be the one for me to marry.

    He said he wants a life committment and that is what we are heading towards but he doesn’t want me seeing other prospective suitors while this is happening.

    I told him I want to be a wife and that I do not want to go from one relationship to another.

    He said he wants the same.

    It all came down to some moments where he was telling me how he felt about me and I have not been reciprocating and I can see it becoming an issue for him in front of my eyes and becoming detrimental where he is wondering if I am seeing other guys while he is telling me he loves me and wants to be with me.

    He was telling me how closed off it was making him feel that he is laying everything on the line for me and I was not ‘showing my hand’ at all.

    Then I could see him becoming closed off.

    When this happened I just went with it, and when the time was right I spoke in feeling messages about how the distance felt.

    But after a while I said to him ‘I am not seeing anyone else’.

    I don’t know why I said it, I just did. It felt right.

    And it is true as I am not seeing anyone else right now. Other CD’s have kinda fizzled and my match subscription came to an end so I hid my profile.

    The way I see it I can change this at any time.

    I don’t plan to stop CD-ing altogether as I feel this will change my vibe and this scares the heck out of me!

    So I need to work out how to CD while being married or in a committed relationship.

    I know it can be done, I know other Siren’s do, and it is new territory for me so I am going to have to feel my way into this new way of being.

    If it doesn’t work I can always change back at any time.

    I am still not sure I am doing the right thing, still feel doubts, however it feels good for now, and he knows all this.

    I still have issues with the labels ‘girlfriend’ and ‘relationship’ and he knows this too.

    And I have made it clear that to me until I am married, everything else is only really dating anyway! The only real committment for me is marriage.

    On the other hand I do not want to kiss anyone else, or sleep with anyone else. Until I do… and if I do I will deal with it accordingly then.

    I would still like to be able to go for coffee dates but I do not know how to negotiate this in a way that feels good.

    Maybe in a way of just meeting people for coffee, rather than the label ‘date’.

    I still fully plan to go out and have my own social life, meet new people, including men and make new friends. And the relationships that I see working are always the ones where the women do this.

    I have no problem with doing this.

    And focusing on me… I can do this too. I have so much in my life I want to work on.

    However I ALREADY felt a small shift in the vibe ie my thinking / feeling vibe as though my mind and thoughts narrowed towards him and I realise this is the danger and this is what Rori means when she talks about what can happen when we date just one guy and focus our attention on him.

    Especially before we have committment.

    So this will be my biggest challenge I expect, and I am ready to face it. I want to keep my vibe the way it has been, attention on me, attention on more than just one man, until I am married… however now I will need to find a new way to do this.

    If anyone has any advice I feel interested to hear.

    On the other hand I do not want to change my decision about being with Mr Barman. It is more the sutulties of handling the newly defined situation.

    I am experimenting with new ways to CD while being heading towatsd

  15.  #15janjune on December 27, 2010 at 10:59 am

    turtle girl,
    this feels like a piece of brilliance to me
    “If he can not respond to a feeling speech and/or tries to make us feel guilty or gets angry etc and it never gets better, then all the better that we have done this.
    Some are too toxic to change and do not want to change. At least with us getting our side of the street cleaned up and healed we can then recognize the difference in men who are worth our precious time and those who are not. This has been a real eye opener for me in this way. The ones who “step down” or fall away are not the men for me”

    i’ve been trying to articulate that very concept in my own head.

    thank you.

  16.  #16Ella on December 27, 2010 at 10:59 am


    towards committment with one man, in a way that feels respectful and good for me, and the relationship.

  17.  #17janjune on December 27, 2010 at 11:07 am

    hi ella!
    it sounds like you’ve already made your decision and that it’s not up for negotiation!

    i say “go with it then”. 🙂
    own it.
    let it take you where it will.
    own the outcome.
    thanks to rori, you know you have other choices if you don’t like what happens :).
    have fun!

    i’m rooting for you!

  18.  #18Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 11:12 am

    I need some help with a “speech” to tell LI I want him to call me more. This is going to be a dealbreaker if he doesn’t start calling me soon. I told him a few different ways that his not calling me regularly is a big deal for me. but he still isn’t calling. LOL.

    even though he says “Yeah! I want to start calling you more!”

  19.  #19Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 11:13 am

    seriously i’ve brought up the not calling me enough like 10 times in the past year. i feel like a lameass broken record. he must not take me very seriously.

  20.  #20Ella on December 27, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Had a funny talk with Mr Barman today, where we were talking about how other people percive us and he ended up saying that some of the people in the pub percieve me as ‘walking around in a cloud’.

    I can’t even remember why we were talking about what other people think, or how we got onto it.

    I am fully aware that I can be very scatty sometimes and I love this part of me.

    Combine that with being quite feminine, and giggly, and no need of showing off or ‘proving’ anything to anyone and apparently what you get is kinda ‘ditzy’ and ‘in a bubble’.

    Which is still fine.

    However apparently it means that some people do not take me seriously.

    Again I suppose this doesn’t matter.

    However there is a trigger here for me.

    I hate and fight against being seen as ‘vague, hippyish or soft and helpless’.

    So are these parts of myself I still do not accept?

    I just feel far too capable to be any of these things and I would HATE if people thought that about me!

    GRRRAAAAW! No I am F-ing NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    But maybe that is a reason why I have always overfunctioned in my relationships… because I DREAD being seen this way!

    I want to be the strong, independant woman who is admired… but as femine women we don’t get admiration in our relationships… we get love and affection and looked after emotions, and that feels so much better!

    So do I let go of this need? Maybe not let go… maybe demote this need!

    It is still there, it is still a valid need that I hear, and I still want my man, and others to respect me, however I can get admiration from other sources, like work.

    I know I am a powerful woman who will not abandon herself or let herself be talked down to or disrespected anymore, so why prove it to anyone?

    I do not need to ‘show’ this… I know it!

    I know it in my heart. That I am stong and I am good and I acheive things and make a contribution.

    But I still feel scared of being labelled as ‘soft, silly and vague’.

    Girly and ditzy are ok.

    Maybe it comes from a fear of not being able to stand up for myself and how I used to deal with this was to ACT tough.

    Now I am not acting at all, and I hope that in time the way I am will build enough trust in myself that I will stand up for myself and my happiness that this fear will diminish!

    I love my fears.

    I love the parts I reject.

    I love vague, and hippy and waster, and underachiever parts of me. I love girly, silly me. Even dumb me.

    They are all good parts of me too. So what if I can be that way!


    I love the creative, fun side of me. Don’t want to be serious all the time and try to prove stuff!

    No, no, no… done that all my life.

    Nothing to prove.

    I have nothing to prove (like nothing to declare, te he 🙂 )

    I love me!

  21.  #21Ella on December 27, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Janjune re 17


    Yay, that feels empowring!


  22.  #22Lizzie on December 27, 2010 at 11:28 am

    Ella, the way I have made CDing part of my life while dating one man, is for me to continue to have a life. Since men are a major part of my work, for me to enjoy lunch with a man is normal. I don’t treat it as a date. To me it is all about making sure I continue to:
    – flirt with men I meet and I do if it is appropriate for the situation. I don’t flirt in Board meetings, but I certainly do when I am at a party.
    – smile and chat with the bus driver, and anyone else for that matter.
    – flirt with my male colleagues, if it is appropriate for the situation again. A little tease here and there is fun and a terrific life force.
    – continue to have my friends and do things with my friends – without the need for my man to a) give me permission – heaven forbid! b) ask for permission – even worse than being given permission! c) needing my man to be there – even worse than a or b!
    – continue to travel and do the things I love to do – with the same conditions as above
    – I am not sure about what I would do if I was asked on a date with a man – like the special guy I met in the spring who I still really like – I might go, but with a new guy, no I wouldn’t

    does that help?

  23.  #23Ella on December 27, 2010 at 11:28 am


    This post above from Rori with the steps could be helpful for you?

    I usually go woth just sharing how I feel. Ie: when this happens I feel like this…

    I did this recently with Mr Barman.

    I already had in my head a boundary in terms of how I needed to feel for it to be ok, although I was aiming not to have a specific outcome in my head when I spoke to him… more just present my feelings and then hear what he had to say.

    I knew that if certain things happened and it felt certain ways that I would be prepared to walk away, that made me feel strong inside, but there was no need to share this as such.

    I just told him how the behaviour made me feel and what I did and didn’t want in my life in general.

    I don’t know if this will help or be too vague…

    Maybe write up what you had in mind for your speech and then ask for tweaks?

  24.  #24janjune on December 27, 2010 at 11:30 am

    hi dorothea,
    i just had that very thing come up, but not with a well established li like yours…
    but what i said was
    “i feel off-balance when a man rushes toward me and then pulls back and out of contact for days, weeks. It confuses me.
    i don’t want to feel this way.
    you have every right to do whatever you want.
    i just want to feel more in synch with the men i’m connected with, even if it’s just casual dating. nothing at all against you, is just the way i feel at this point in my life. so this makes me think we might just want to be “just friends” even though I feel attracted.
    what do you think, m—- ?
    i said this because of the obvious– but also because he and i had gotten to the point of kind of even saying how much we liked one another.
    i just don’t feel like going through this anymore.
    if he can’t handle his feelings any better than that I WANT OUT NOW!!! EARLY!!!
    I want him to be able to feel what he feels about a woman, me, and know what to do about it, not go hide somewhere 🙂
    so i just decided to have aboundary with myself and decided if men have to do this i don’t want to go any farther with them.

    i said some other stuff too, but basically this was the point.

    that was almost two days ago and i have’nt heard ANY thing out of him! guess that gives me my answer, doesn’t it? can’t won’t doesn’t want to step up.
    is okay.
    as turtle said (i know i just re-posted her post but it’s *important* (whine) 🙂
    “If he can not respond to a feeling speech and/or tries to make us feel guilty or gets angry etc and it never gets better, then all the better that we have done this.
    Some are too toxic to change and do not want to change. At least with us getting our side of the street cleaned up and healed WE CAN THEN RECOGNIZE THE DIFFERENCE IN MEN WHO ARE WORTH OUR PRECIOUS TIME AND THOSE WHO ARE NOT. This has been a real eye opener for me in this way. THE ONES WHO STEP DOWN OR FALL AWAY ARE NOT THE MEN FOR ME”.
    even if we want them to be.
    they’re just not,
    cuz they “said” so.

    movin’ on…

    NEXT! 🙂

  25.  #25janjune on December 27, 2010 at 11:36 am

    well, i’m going to take leave again for awhile… go spend my tiny bit of free time on pof with these men and see what happens 🙂

    bye for awhile goddesses,

  26.  #26Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 11:42 am

    janjune, brilliant

  27.  #27janjune on December 27, 2010 at 11:42 am

    oh, dorothea,
    the situation with this man i just wrote to you about was that he was calling me ALOT, like two or three times a day. really too much for me.
    he’s out of town working and was talking about bringing me something and etc., you know how they do… (yes i did give this ONE my phone number because i kind of knew him from somewhere else, from “before” pof) and then two different times, he just quit calling!!
    i don’t want that.
    I just don’t.
    not going to have that.
    don’t want in my life anymore.
    i want some consistency if i like them, or i’m cutting them loose.
    i’d rather just *me* step up with my boundary and see what they do rather than going on.
    my choice.
    i feel comfortable with my boundary.

    love, janjune

  28.  #28Darling Ella on December 27, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Wow…Rori…this post speaks to my heart 🙁

    I just confirmed to be pregnant…and gosh, right now…my thoughts are about having “the talk” to him…either he’s in or he’s out…:(

    I feel scared…I feel the baby being a blessing to me and my son…and even to him…So, I made peace with that…What I am struggling though, whether my feelings can handle in this kind of “limbo” relationship…

    I don’t want to worry he’s with someone else…I don’t want to be made wrong for feeling down or being unavailable to him for support…

    Gosh, there is so much more…Had a few minutes to log in…

    Lots to feel and think ab…:(


  29.  #29Daria on December 27, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Ohh I feel triggered that ella agreef to exclusivity

    I feel scared that I will agree to exckusivity too wgen I likr a,man I see it as aandoning myself I dit eant that. I said said no to security mn anf he dusdapeared.

    I felt dcared to t rd usr him… Thrn he diddaoeaed hr coulfnt then I difwell t ferld dvary thst msybe im pudhing him awau by brinh too indeorndeny.

    I love me

  30.  #30Luzydel on December 27, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    ok I exercised Honesty today, It was a bit painful because I do not like to seem mean…but I have to be truthful…this is what happened in a POF chat…

    GUY: hello
    ME: hi
    GUY: hey did you get ur sleep??
    ME: i did until my dog started barking ugh
    GUY: hey so what do you do for fun??
    ME: anything except clubs or bars…
    GUY: what kind of clubs do you go to??
    ME: I said anything EXCEPT clubs…meaning I do NOT go to clubs…
    GUY: true
    GUY: so what are you doing on your day off??
    ME: not much just reading emails
    GUY: i hear that..its to cold to go out??
    ME: yep
    GUY: so what am you talk to me??

    I was feeling so turned off, this guy has no intellect or appeal at least for me…I could just ignore him, but I have to practice expressing my feelings right? So I wrote this…
    ME: I got to be honest, I feel we have not much in common. They way we express ourselves is very different and I am having a bit difficulty understanding what you write.

    *** NameDeleted*** IC window is closed

    Now I feel better for saying how I feel without drama or accusing the guy…whew baby steps.

  31.  #31Ella on December 27, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Daria re 29

    I feel scared too.

    But excited to try something new.

  32.  #32Ella on December 27, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Darling Ella,

    Wow, MASSIVE HUGS to you!


  33.  #33Ella on December 27, 2010 at 12:34 pm


    Great babystep…

    I wonder if your feeling message is more of a statement? Like you are stating that you have nothing in common rather then describing how you are feeling. What do you think?

    A tweak could be:

    you: I feel turned off
    Him: why?
    You: because I feel unheard and disconnected while we are talking.
    Him: what do you mean
    You: well sometimes I fin it hard to understand the way you are communicating. If makes me feel disconnected…

    and so on…

    I have had guys talk to me like this, and even send me really dumb jokes by text when we have just swapped numbers and I haved asked them not to.

    It annoyed the hell out of me and I told them how I felt. Because I said my feelings, rather than a statement or judgement about them or our communication we were able to work though it, I stayed open, and some of them turned out to be really nice guys.

    I sometimes felt like a b*tch when it felt like I kept coming back with negative, but it gave them a chance to work through it and be what I wanted, which they catually liked.

    And it kept the lines of communication open.

    What do you think?

  34.  #34Ella on December 27, 2010 at 12:47 pm


    Re 22

    Yes that helps greatly!

    I feel positive and filled with hope reading!


  35.  #35Ella on December 27, 2010 at 2:58 pm


    I feel furious!

    Rah, rah rah…. release the lioness!

    NO to expectations! NO to pressure! No to insecurities and co-dependance….

    cus that’s how it feels!

    No, Roooooaaar!

    Boo, boo boo.

    I just say what I feel, sulk ya like, don’t care…

    Not a power thing, just want to feel good.

    F8ck f8ck you!!
    F u F u F u…

    Ra ra.

    No, it doesn’t feel good right now… I will not be manipulated.

    I will trust my boundaries.

    I will follow my feelings.

    And then I am strong enough to handle any situation…


    F-ing bring it on!


  36.  #36Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    @4: Ella says:

    “It feels like you are trying to make my feelings wrong or get others on board to say they are wrong. ”

    Those are your THOUGHTS out of your imagination. They are not my thoughts. But even if they were, I can and will think anything I please but I don’t want you passing off your thoughts as if they were mine.

    As you wrote;
    “…It feels like you…

    I don’t believe you feel like me or “it feels” like me either.

    Saying a bunch of things and adding the word “feel” is not a statement of emotion nor does using the word “feel” make perceptions accurate or true.

    I like to “feel safe” too. Are you claiming that privilege only for yourself?

    This post is on-topic for this thread. Did you read Rori’s post? For the rest, judge if you wish; I hope you do. I will be judging you by what you write.

    When “THE RED QUEEN” returns from her nap maybe she will come aboard and throw out a few pages of name-calling: “bitches” and such. Sometimes that is favored and applauded here on the blog.

    But I don’t want to spend my time in RIFFING and feminine swearing. Especially during the holidays I like to enjoy myself, spend time with loved ones and start setting things in place to make my dreams come true in the New Year.

    I find RIFFING kind of boring most of the time. Perhaps it’s good for letting off steam if I were angry or even largely annoyed. I’m not angry now but I am a little disappointed.

    Now I’ll go read the all the posts after number four.


  37.  #37Ella on December 27, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    SLV @ 36

    Ok, if they are my thoughts my feelings are that I feel judged and persecuted… I feel ganged up on…

    Like in school when there are tiffs and instead of talking to you about it the person keeps talking to others about what you have said.

    Re ‘it feels like you…’ it does feel like that to me… like I said I feel judged, and that feels like being made wrong… maybe I should not have used the word ‘you’.

  38.  #38Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    @11: AmberS says:

    “I wont be here for a while. I feel sad to lose the connection with so many of you. If you feel like emailing me, I’ll be checking that sporadically and I’d love to stay in touch: ambereden at
    Love, love, love- Amber ”

    I’ll miss you too, Amber. I don’t know if you have signed off the blog for the day, but I’ll send you an e-mail soon.

    As you said:
    “…t’s taking all of my focus and strength to stay on my own path right now. My heart is learning to create a new vision for my future. I still find Mr. Almost in almost every thought. It hurts. All. The. Time…”

    I know EXACTLY what you mean. And like you, “I’m gettin’ serious” I have to learn and grow all I can; I’m working on this daily, here and other ways and places. The blog is helpful as an addition, sometimes. It’s not the main act; I can’t give the time to RIFF for a couple years and still be in the same place.

    But I’ll still be dropping in and hope to see you too…


  39.  #39Daria on December 27, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    Oh riffing doesnt keep mestuck its a transformative tool that heals Fast

    I feel sad to see reee riffung and veing in feminine dismissed here whetr thats what I want to feel safe and envouraged to practice.

    I ferl sad to see roris tools midunderstood snd pushed aside. It ferls lije being made ashamed and wrong. I dont like ferling that way.

    I wany yo celebrate roris tools.

    Fantadtic tifging, beautigul soft strong feminine.

    Feeling angty and sad and unseen and attavkeddd

  40.  #40janjune on December 27, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    checking to see if you got my email daria.

  41.  #41Daria on December 27, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    Feeling hravy and sad I love my heaviness and sadbess. I feel angry I dobt want to be derided and riduculed. Feekung sadi love my sadness. Yhat feels like pouting and sadness. I love my pouting and sadness that feels like betrayal far I love my betrayal fear. That feeks like ug? Feeling svsred of peooke trying to pit me down and acr e tgryte better snd I feel sadl

  42.  #42janjune on December 27, 2010 at 4:01 pm

    it makes me feel bad too to see you speak so seemingly disparagingly about riffing.
    putting it in all capital letters makes it feel to me when i’m reading it, like you are spitting it out or using it as a cuss word.
    i have found riffing exptremely helpful.

    i feel bad for the new goddesses who get confused when they come on here to get help and find people tearing down rori’s Tools and methods.

    I have to wonder why you are on hear so much when it sounds like you think so little of what those of us who are usuing the program and getting results and about the Tools themselves.

    it makes me feel like you think the people who use them are stupid.

    it feels like making fun of the people who are using the program’

    It feels like “better than”-speak.

    no these aren’t my thought projected at you—i already said i have found riffing extremely helpful.

    yes i know i spelled here, “hear” and misspelled using and i don’t care.

    it feels like wondering why you don’t just quit reading riffing if you don’t like it most of the time. no one is holding your feet to the fire. you csn easily skip any post you deem unworthy of your time.

  43.  #43janjune on December 27, 2010 at 4:05 pm

    i wasn’t agreeing with daria either!
    i was agreeig with ella
    –daria and i cross posted

  44.  #44janjune on December 27, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    i love riffing
    i love rori’s Tools!
    I want to be an encourager to the goddesses who want to try Rori’s Tools and have nvs that tell them not to or that it won’t work.
    It WILL work 🙂
    The Tools DO work if you’re ready to step out and step up for yourSELF into a new paradigm.

    right now, i feel like smelling some Clary Sage essential oil for some reason. does anyone know what that means? 🙂

  45.  #45Jim on December 27, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Hey ladies,

    How’s life today?

  46.  #46Jim on December 27, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    Thanks, got the message.

  47.  #47Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Darling Ella,
    Prego? Should I be congratulating you yet or are you still deciding if you will be having this baby?

  48.  #48Ella on December 27, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    I feel threatened by talk of being judged by what I write.

    I feel talked down to by questions about my intentions… makes me feel unsafe and turned off.

    I feel sad that my intentions are questioned when I have tried to express my feelings about what I have read in the best way I know how.

    I feel talked down to and it feels like heavy, and yuk.

    I feel mildly turned off and cross.

  49.  #49Ella on December 27, 2010 at 5:44 pm


    I don’t want to argue with you.

    I have always felt warmth towards you in the past and respected your opinions and ideas.

    I felt safe enough to express how one of your posts made me feel and it was not my intention to upset you!

    On the other hand I feel quite turned off by some of your posts recently, especially the ones aimed directly and indirectly at me.

    Who is ‘

  50.  #50Ella on December 27, 2010 at 5:44 pm


    Who is ‘

  51.  #51Ella on December 27, 2010 at 5:51 pm

    Ah, computer being crazy tonight….!

    Who is ‘THE RED QUEEN’?

    Is it you?

    I feel slightly threatened reading that sentence, like ‘I may slate you off if I can be bothered’ which feels like schoolyard threat / bully type of vibe…

    But I may have got it wrong. I may misunderstand.

    I want to understand.

    I would like to work through this and as I said I was not aiming for conflict.

    SLV, what do you think?

  52.  #52Nicole Rosa on December 27, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    That’s awesome! Can you give us an example of an inadvisable way to say something and then the “correct” way to say it?

  53.  #53Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    Hi Jim! Wondering what conclusions you are drawing, what you may be learning? The current convos are very different than they were a few months ago – like last August – heee, then we had the “Lavafest”; I was around a lot back then. Since you like agressive women, would you rather have a talk or a speech/script?

    I don’t like it when a bunch of other people’s work is quoted and stuck in here, tho. Feels off topic.

    Hey, Lizzie – I am so GLAD for you!!!

    and Amber, miss you always….

    Memee – you sound better? are you feeling better?

    And most of all….roll call! KNOCKSOFTLY!! are you here? Puhleeze????

    I’m wondering what happened and how you are?! It’s been months – and a lot could have gone on with you…so if you’re around, let me know.

    Happy day,

  54.  #54Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    ps….whomever she may be – I LOVE it! The red queen is very descriptive, SLV – perfect and yes! riffing feels like going down a rabbit hole –

    and yall can still riff all you want, someone once said it was like toilet paper here….

    so if someone doesn’t want to read your toilet paper, does it really matter?

    Riffing is a tool for the self, to me, not sure how it can be turning into a controversy?

    But then I selectively sift, per Abraham.

    Grins everyone and Off with their Heads!

  55.  #55Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    @42: janjune says:

    “…yes i know i spelled here, “hear” and misspelled using and i don’t care…”

    Forget the spelling, brush up on feeling message techniques. Check the top of the page and read Rori’s post on creating them.

    I understand feeling message and I am always eager to learn better ways to express myself. I’m interested in reading new wording, phrases and tweaking.

    Re: “riffing”
    This kind of writing is not new to me. I “riff” in other places, sometimes here too, often very long, long ones…we are talking serious “Daria-type” ones; I hardly ever “submit/publish” these riffs on this blog

    My riffing pieces are good for clarity and I continue writing in a “stream-of-consciousness” until I am cracking up and it’s easy to delete; I’d make Virginia Woolf proud. 😀

    “Riffing” is for my personal use so usually no need to submit. I don’t use it to mask something else.


  56.  #56Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Janjune – clary sage is for clearing, specifically the sinuses. I used it with lavendar and ylang ylang and made an oil people loved.

    and I hope you saw that I did not start anything last nite cuz I feel incomplete about that convo and judged for something I just responded to.

    Do you ever burn white sage leaf?

    I love resin copal the absolute best of all….

  57.  #57Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    quick search on Clary Sage – do not use while pregnant affects female hormones, mimics estrogen…

  58.  #58Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    most of the time i delete my riffs after typing them up in this little pink box.

  59.  #59Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    @51: Ella says:

    “..Who is ‘THE RED QUEEN’? …”

    LOL 😆 Oh… she’s my drama queen alter ego. I think we all have one. Did you choose one? And RQ is really mine! I played RQ in third grade production of “Alice in Wonderland.”

    I only let her out every now then. She doesn’t get out much anymore since I stopped feeling bad and “doomed” about not being feminine.

    Feelings of doom only lasted a few hours. My father says “you’re ‘womanly’ and that’s more than enough.” So, that’s all right with me…

    I’m going to go with that and use whatever else as it works for me…surprise, surprise kind of like what you are doing with Rori’s guidelines. 😀 I support you! I suspect Rori would too but I can’t speak for her. We’re women we can always change our minds.


  60.  #60Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    RQ did the italics. It’s all her fault or taht typo, tryhing to type too fsat… :lolL


  61.  #61Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    i also don’t riff “out loud” here through triggers if i ended up cussing at someone here or insulting them. then it’s ctrl+a, delete! i can riff without everyone needing to see that i told someone they can go f*ck themselves, haha.

  62.  #62janjune on December 27, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    youre just making my point for me in your comment #55.

    how on earth would you know how i’m supposed to express my feelings messages?

    even with this being true, i might even take what you have to say to me with some seriousness like i do some of the other people on here, but it just feels like you slapping at me in the dark for pointing out what felt to me like you expressing a spirit of meanness to some of the younger women on here, since i’ve rarely seen evidence of you either practicing rori’s Tools or demonstrating any evidence of understanding how her program of healing actually works. until i see women working rori’s Tools and practicing her program in their own lives, what those women think about me and the way i’m doing my “stuff” just doesn’t make a particle of difference to me.

    yes, i agree, “The Red Queen” does seem to be very fitting and “off with their heads” does seem to be the mantra you have been using on here lately.

    i feel unsafe with it.

  63.  #63Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    @61: Dorothea says:
    “..i also don’t riff “out loud” here through triggers if i ended up cussing at someone here or insulting them. then it’s ctrl+a, delete! i can riff without everyone needing to see that i told someone they can go f*ck themselves, haha…”

    Ah, yep. Just about every day. Sometimes on topic, sometimes not… Well, I guess it’s always on “my topic” whatever that is at the time… 😆 Probably boring to somebody else.


  64.  #64janjune on December 27, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    just re-read above comment

    should have said
    “or demonstrating MUCH, not *any*, evidence of understanding how her program of healing actually works. “

  65.  #65Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    slv, sorry, i’m not following. what is it that you say is “just about every day”? Thanks!

  66.  #66snowqueen on December 27, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    my current bf blows hot and cold – but somehow it doesn’t really bother me, I know he likes me a lot and sooner or later he’ll either step up or step out. In the meantime I enjoy myself – went to a party by myself tonight and spent time CDing with a couple of guys there. I have options.

    At dinner yesterday I felt suddenly sad and started to cry. I just said ‘oh I suddenly feel very sad’ and nothing else. He stood up, took my hands and simply held me tight until it passed. Then we sat back down and carried on with the meal. No need to talk about it. Later he told me he loved me. The day before yesterday he told me he was planning on breaking up with me. I said ok – whatever, but could he leave it till after New Year = he said ok. Men are totally mad. Now I see it’s easier to just get on with my life and keep my options open until he finally decides what he wants. He can’t resist me actually. Just needs to seem to be able to. But I might find someone better anyway. (though I’d be happy with him but don’t tell him lol)

  67.  #67janjune on December 27, 2010 at 6:38 pm

    thanks for the info jacqueline about clary sage. no i’ve never used white sage or copal resin.
    with the sage do you just take that bundle therough the house to clear it? like i think i’ve read that ou walk to each corner or each room. is that right?
    copal resen, do you just burn that as incense?

  68.  #68janjune on December 27, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    as far as
    “and I hope you saw that I did not start anything last nite cuz I feel incomplete about that convo and judged for something I just responded to.”

    do you want to complete the convo?
    i’m game. 🙂

  69.  #69Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 6:43 pm

    @62: janjune says:
    youre just making my point for me in your comment #55.”

    I don’t think so; I don’t know what your point is. What is it?

    “…how on earth would you know how i’m supposed to express my feelings messages?…

    I learned “how” elsewhere and long before reading anything here on the blog; however, Rori’s guidelines are helpful.

    “What” is expressed is up to the writer/speaker. A “feeling” message is not simply a statement of opinion, name-calling or pretense with the word “feel” added in.


  70.  #70Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    @65: Dorothea says:
    “…slv, sorry, i’m not following. what is it that you say is “just about every day”? Thanks!”

    Something written “in the little box” but not submitted.


  71.  #71Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    janjune – it hurt my feelings to be called out for picking on Daria when in fact she had on the previous thread told me once again basically to get lost – and when you told me I attacked her that felt worse. then, when I copied the wording, I still didn’t get that you – or anyone – realized I was just happily posting, and Daria jumps into/onto it – which happens all the time. And then somehow it turns itself around. I feel confused, abandoned and like this is more of a popularity contest than a what actually happened situation. What do you think?

  72.  #72Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    slv, oh yes

    snowqueen – it sounds like we’re dating the same guy hahahaha. sigh. sniffle. high five!

  73.  #73Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    @62: janjune says:

    “…i feel unsafe with it…”

    OK. Then I expect you’ll ignore it.


  74.  #74Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    janjune – re: clary sage – yes you can burn it in little bundles in your house – hee but it smells like pot. You can waft it towards you with feathers to cleanse the aura – as an oil, tho, it is one with high linolinic content so use sparingly. Check it out there’s a bunch of stuff online about it. If you are being drawn to it it’s probably for calming and centering or female issues?

    I myself do not find smoke to feel cleansing – I like crystals, water, healing with light and sound, etc.

    But I do love a red vinegar bath or a salt bath – I even ordered salt bars that are just like a soap bar.

    Anyway, any time water touches all of you, you are cleansed of “others” energies.

    I have a fabulous ritual I do both for clearing and for protection and a bunch of books on it, too….

    have you ever seen a rosycroix? rose with thorns – rose is very very protective…..

    and yet it still allows for heart communication.

    very cool.

    Got to go soon, so hope to hear your reply before I log off….

  75.  #75Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 6:53 pm

    oh, and ps my first thought was OMG! so now she’s allowed to tell someone I hate you and get lost….but then I realized that sounded an awful lot like what a four year old would say and it didn’t feel as bad…

  76.  #76Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    ooh i feel anxious
    wow i love how just getting to “i feel anxious” lessens my anxious feeling.

    how come no one taught me or my friends about this growing up?

  77.  #77Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    negative voices. retarded. hello negative voices bearing the message that i am retarded.

    that is such a harsh word. where did that ever come from? why do i use it to describe a variety of things? wtf. i must sound hateful when i use it. AND WHY DO I USE IT FOR MYSELF? wtf. retarded. haha, SEE!


  78.  #78Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    ‘kay – gotta go; job requires early to bed. Bummer….will look for your reply soon…

    g’nite all, sweet dreamin

  79.  #79Senior Lady Vibe on December 27, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    @75: Jacqueline says:

    “oh, and ps my first thought was OMG! so now she’s allowed to tell someone I hate you and get lost….but then I realized that sounded an awful lot like what a four year old would say and it didn’t feel as bad…”

    Well… yeah, 😆 But, Jacqueline. I must admit “hate” or I recall it as “I don’t like” is a feeling message. LOL 😆 And perceive how it came about. But I prefer not to arrive here and read about “I don’t like you” expressed to another siren, especially since most of us come here for refuge and support.

    “Get off the blog” kind of messages, Hmmm I don’t know about that. I don’t believe that is the purpose of the blog here I believe it’s still Rori’s call.


  80.  #80Dorothea on December 27, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    i’ll take direct attacks, feeling messages or not, over sarcastic third-person style gossip about me where i am obviously going to see it, ANY DAY. i’ll take 10 direct attacks over the latter. any day.

    i feel yuck all over.


  81.  #81janjune on December 27, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    since you have to go soon, just will say this for now.
    i feel really bad that your feelings were hurt.

    i just feel bad when people’s lifestyles and life choices are attacked when those things really don’t have anything to do with the program of healing available here. (referring to you making a remark about daria not knowing what work was like— not your exact words i know)

    these are YOUNG women just starting out. i feel happy for them that they have a place to come to work through things early so they don’t have to spend their entire lives muddling through relationships that don’t pan out.

    i feel clutched in my stomach when anyone seems to be missing the point of being here and makes it about anything but working the Tools. daria working or not working isn’t anybody’s business. my working or not isn’t anybody’s business. it just feels insulting and i wonder if i’m next because i’m in the same situation.

    i have finally found my voice after all this time, thanks to rori. i feel like using it and i really do feel protective of the younger women on here.

    for me, i think the disconnect was that pretty much once a post is closed and we move to the next post, generally the garbage from the older post is left right there… on the older post. so no, i didn’t associate what you said with the previous post whcih i don’t even know that i read to be honest.

    if you have any more to say, if i have misunderstood something, if you want to clarify, whatever, i feel very open to what you have to say. i feel very supportive of you and supported by you and always have. i hope you feel the same from me.

  82.  #82Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    awww, SLV – you are right, and you know Rori and I corresponded intently for a couple of months. So I never feel I need to actually do as I’m told, lol….but it does always kind of slap me upside the head – especially when I am called instigator…just wow.

    But yes, refuge is nice, so is a difference of opinion – just not name calling or one upping or taking up so much space that you drown out everyone else’s voice. To me, IMO…that’s sad.

    Anyway, I had the same thought – hate IS after all a feeling. Argh…grin….

    OMG! and then to have the gentle suggestion that I was envious just blew my mind.

    Nonetheless, I enjoy having conversations here most of the time. And I am really just here to read what Rori has to say, the rest is icing or muck, depending on the day I guess. I do wish more people would be interested in using the tools in a job or family sense – that has always been what I’m here for. How to communicate better at my job and Rori has told me from the beginning that was great as the tools are for all that too….

    Now I’m really overdue for the shower…

    but! Top of the Morning to you in the morning!


  83.  #83janjune on December 27, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    thank you for all the information on clearing.
    water, crystals, yes that is more me too than smoke, although i will try the sage bundle anyway.
    and thank you for the info about water touching your whole body cleansing you from *other* energies.
    i will use that often 🙂

    i still don’t get it about the red vinegar though.
    you had mentioned that another time.
    salt bars? is that the celtic sea salt bath soap?

  84.  #84Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    Janjune – I get that from you totally. However, umm…I believe Daria is 28 or 29 (excuse me for talking about you specifically Daria) and really all I was asking was that I be allowed to post without the ugh, Jacqueline’s here gonna ruin my day stuff. So it wasn’t so much carry over, but pre-emptive don’t start; but you know? to read, oh, I wanted to feel good but Jacqueline’s here so I can’t….kind of sucks and far too often everyone assumes I have no feelings about things like that. But then I don’t come here to read her stuff either – what I would really like is a just an agreement to coexist and leave it be, actually, I’d like some agreement on here to allow me to be. Really!

    But I love it that you are so open hearted and loving and it’s wonderful that you are.

    I’m here for my growth, not to teach or inspire or anything – that’s what my blog was for – and maybe you didn’t know that since the beginning it had been about work for me?

    Anyway….good for you for not working. I wouldn’t either if I could, but in a way it is good for me. It forces me to communicate effectively, look at how I manifest and all sorts of things. I want to be able to talk to my bosses with a mix of feeling messages and words – like today, the Owner’s rep told me that the Regional that had left had said I was weak in collections?! And I yelped, who me???? high and squeaky – I mean wasn’t I just posting yesterday about collecting money. ARGH….it was a LIE – I guess to cover up how lenient he had been? or who knows?

    But screeching and denial were so NOT where I wanted to go with the bosses boss, you know?

    So that’s what I’m here for….

    and we’ll see – thanks for writing, I know you’ve been here a long time and I respect what you say.


  85.  #85Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    hey…no they make an actual mineral salt bar just like a soap bar – I use it in the shower. Vinegar (red) draws out toxins and lactic acid from the muscles and I believe it clears the aura.

    People usually smudge with white sage bundles, and sweetgrass and copal I think? you can buy them online too or get them bulk at whole foods. It’s very time honored, so who am I to argue with tradition?

    anyway, gonna run – talk to everyone more soon…

    And SLV – did I ever tell you I was Alice with a white apron and a sky blue big skirted dress for years at Halloween?!! only problem was, people kept thinking I was Little Bo Peep! I mean really, where’s the staff?!! I loved that apron, my mother made it – I think I still have it.

    Through the looking glass…..

  86.  #86janjune on December 27, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    i feel annoyed at the older women on here who choose not to work the program and instead get on here and criticize the younger women who are qorking it.

    i feel it does have to do with age.
    and being jealousy.
    every time it has happened, i have felt it was caused by jealousy and envy.
    and its ALWAYS been the older women doing it to the younger ones.
    old ewes.
    butting their heads,
    putting their old heads down
    that’s what it feels like to me, like when i have seen the old ewes being the boss on my uncle’s farm.

    I’m 59 I can say these things :).

  87.  #87janjune on December 27, 2010 at 7:30 pm

    qorking!!!!!!! looooooooool love it!

  88.  #88Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    janjune – is that at me? I aint old!!!

  89.  #89Jim on December 27, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    53: Jacqueline,

    “Hi Jim! Wondering what conclusions you are drawing, what you may be learning?”
    Sorry today, I haven’t read much of the posts.

    “Since you like agressive women, would you rather have a talk or a speech/script?”
    Yes, I should have said, I like that also in a woman. I just like a woman to be herself. Whatever that is. As far as a talk, speech, script, I’m not sure I understand what you talking about??

  90.  #90janjune on December 27, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    yes, it was about you and slv.

    i’ve emailed rori about this. i just don’t like what’s going on here at all.

  91.  #91Daria on December 27, 2010 at 7:51 pm


    Iam tje angel thst gell in love w herself

    I am so fresh
    yoimger than a baby older than your grandna
    im everhthing fulfillmenty fertile earthbloodstar

  92.  #92Daria on December 27, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    Rori sgona say darua your being a lightnng rod for flack

    Power is growing

  93.  #93janjune on December 27, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    is that what she will say daria?

    🙂 i feel glad to read that 🙂

    take care.
    going off the blog for awhile.

  94.  #94Rori Raye on December 27, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    Daria – you are golden – and I love that you know it…Love, Rori

  95.  #95Darling Ella on December 27, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Hmm…I am reading again Rori’s ebook…

    She promotes the concept that either partner (disregard of gender) can assume the masculine or the feminine role…yet not both for the success of the relationship…

    So, some “Sirens” (gosh, this feels weird…how about Mermaids) feel comfortable in the masculine role…thinking, action-oriented, decision-making, giving…

    It actually bring balance to the site…I feel more comfortable now, that I understand it…
    Having the energies mixed…it’s like in real life…masculine and feminine…so, triggers are supposed to happen…

    The key is, if I choose to stay in the Siren role, then the emphasis of my communication has to be on expression of feelings such as compassion, connection, love, sensuality, excitement…

    I feel enlighted tonight 🙂

  96.  #96Darling Ella on December 27, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    Another self observation…I’ve been making bias judgments based on gender…If the participant name is “Mary”, I have had expectations of reading feeling messages…and if she didn’t…I felt triggered…annoyed…judgmental…

    Hmm…interesting…I don’t feel judgmental towards Jim…I guess not yet…:)

  97.  #97Jacqueline on December 27, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Hi! I’m just absolutely fascinated by how I came here to talk about shrillness and male bosses and new female bosses and got into a Daria-centric conversation and accused of ageism. LOL…

    And all….I really really do want to learn to communicate at my job well. And you can’t really bring on the flirt you know? so all advice about feminine communication with boy energy equalling results – or something like that? is welcome.

    Catch up later!

    Oh, and Ella hope you are feeling better and that is something we all noticed when Jason was around too – he was just accepted and expected to speak differently. Sounds like you’re making a lot of intuitive growth connections tonite – great work!


  98.  #98Daria on December 27, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Feeking thru mt anxiety about “not getting enuf skeep”

    I qana text sexy cd to ask him gir a ride
    iff this phone messes uo

  99.  #99Darling Ella on December 27, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Thank u Jacqueline 🙂

    Yes, masculine energy appears to offer success getting dates and guys very interested, especially if a women is good looking….yet, the question still stands…can we keep them???

    My self-realization is that I always felt wonderful in a feminine role in a relationship …yet, not knowing to maintain being feminine and vulnerable…i could never create the intimacy needed in a real relationship, thus pushing men away…

    Warm hugs,

  100.  #100Rosa on December 27, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    Hi Gang,

    I came on to share some holiday relaxation and greetings.. I wanted to feel good.

    Now I feel bad.
    I feel shrunk down and cringey.
    I feel uncomfortable and egg sheel walkey here today.

    I do understand one of the purposes of the blog is to trigger ourselves and to learn how to respond differently to our triggers.

    Ok , I am triggered . I want to avoid this conflict.
    I want to sign out again. i want to leave you all here bitching.

    But I am practicing dealing with one of my triggers so i am staying put here .

    I also want to support Rori , and if more of us keep disappearing that does not support Rori’s business.

    There are gems among the dross and I want to find the gems .. here is a great example..

    “They say we attract people at our own level of woundedness. What this means to me is that I had better be the kind of person I want to marry. I’m pretty close. And getting closer every day.”

    Thank you Amber , i will email you . I love to hear what you are doing with your life.

    And TG , I love the image of cleaning uyp my side of the street …yes yes yes…!!

  101.  #101Lakshmi on December 27, 2010 at 10:39 pm

    Hi sirens,

    I’ve been intrigued by the dialogue here. Lots of triggers! I’ve always loved Daria’s riffs, and I don’t think she or anyone else who posts frequently is “dominating” or taking over the blog. We’re all here to do what we need to do. I like reading about relationship stuff; work stuff, less so, but that’s me. I skim the work stuff, or skip it altogether. Others may find it more interesting. I also appreciate everyone who posts stuff that triggers me. I feel hot and angry; happy and elated; judgmental and superior — lots of stuff. It brings all kinds of things to the surface for me. So thanks to all of you!

    I feel happy tonight. I have a few CDs. One of them is a really nice guy, and has pursued me pretty intently, and I’ve been less than overhwhelmed with fiery passion (although he is a good kisser). But he just keeps stepping up. And whereas before I might have shut him down, now I’m staying open. I feel a little annoyed, like why do I have to stay open. But then I talk to him, and have so much fun on the phone, and I think, wow, he’s really great. … I think I’m just a bit of a loner sometimes. I’ve lived alone for a long time, I’ve never been married, and I don’t have kids. So I like to do my own thing. Letting someone in fully is hard for me. Unless I’m overwhelmed by passion. But maybe I’ll try the slow burn this time.

  102.  #102Jilly on December 27, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    ok sirens…so I’ve been feeling it out..pipeline man sent me my good morning text (he’s in NY with his daughters right now) and asked how I was…I texted back…
    I feel really happy…like melting into the intoxicating pool of our chemistry and STAYing there 🙂 and part of me feels nervous and scared…like turning in the opposite direction and running far far away
    Was that too cheesy???? well….that’s how I really feel!! all I got was a smiley face…ok whatever

    then he texted later on in the day…

    so…anywho…he’s supposed to come stay with me for 5 or 6 days and I’m not feeling ok with it…like I want some kind of commitment from him before he can just stay with me…but I’m not sure what kind of commitment since I’m not committing…I feel confused…I’m starting to wonder where the relationship is going…and BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!

    I keep having to remind myself that I’m the one choosing and if he wanted something more serious that I don’t know that he’s what I want in the end…ugggg!!!

    I seriously feel like running far far away so I can think straight…my hormones are taking over! and I’m still CD’ing

    All this craziness started after he stayed 2days with me right before Christmas…I can’t imagine what a WHOLE week would do to me!!!!!

    Doing the Rori Raye Way…what would she express or do if she was having a man come stay with her for week…cancel on him? let him stay? all after sharing some feeling messages of coarse….

  103.  #103Jim on December 28, 2010 at 12:00 am

    102: Jilly,
    Cheesy? No. Easy? Yes. In that, I’m a guy and to me that feels like you want to be with me a lot. The later part is telling me to tender your feelings, as you are scared. Like I said, you’ve told me how you feel and that, to me, means, all systems GO…

    Hope this helps?

    p.s. Easy, doesn’t mean sleazy or too easy, just means your telling me, “Yes, all systems are a go.” I am your choice. That’s how I’d take it…

  104.  #104Jim on December 28, 2010 at 12:18 am

    One other thing, just my opinion. He would be on the same page as you. If, he had the privilege of reading what you just wrote on 102.

    That would indeed enlighten him as to where he really is with you… Remember, it is his choice for him to be with you also.

    Take care & good luck,

  105.  #105Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 12:35 am


    I really like your feeling message you texted.

    Rori said in one post about long distance relationships that, altho a briefer date is better, if it’s long distance, it’s appropriate to make it longer.

    I hear you saying you are attracted to him very much but scared and still unsure. To let him stay with you a week isn’t to marry him. You are not required to say forever just because he stays a week. Why do you feel fear?

  106.  #106Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 1:39 am

    Rori kindly responded to my Ryan issues…

    Brenda – I support 1000% your working on you, getting physically healthier and to a place where you feel you’re attracting higher quality men you can find some common ground with and enjoy company with (regardless of “passionate love feelings”). It will change everything for you to be where you feel most good about YOU in as many ways as possible.

    If Ryan (and your connection to him) can encourage you to this place of peace and happiness within yourself – and the changes in your physical body and emotional well-being that you wish to make – then he’s serving you well. If he’s holding you stuck – then he’s not. If you want him to be your muse and not your ball and chain … you are going in the right direction. Trauma is ALL our experience, and it sends us all in directions AWAY from our true selves. Find the path through the debris to your true, peaceful, happy self and you can’t go wrong. Love, Rori

    Hi Rori,

    Right on! I think I have just needed to feel a ray of hope from Ryan, that there could be something between us, even if it’s just a friendship now. I had a brief phone conversation with him today, and I feel that ray of hope. I feel much more purpose and joy in working on my house and my body fitness feeling this hope. It’s motivating. I really value him.

    So if I can stay leaned back and Ryan keeps befriending me in a healthy way, he helps towards the goal of a healthy me, inside and out! I’ll get where I need to be…baby steps.

    Thanks again! You have transformed my life. I can never thank you enough!!!

  107.  #107Leo on December 28, 2010 at 2:08 am

    Hey girls!

    I like this post a lot and I will try to use it.

    And I kinda have a question…
    I want to use feeling messages when talking to him. And right now I am actually just writing such a speech down and trying to figure out words to use.
    Sometimes I feel unloved and untouched. We do snuggle, but I miss the sexuality.

    I couldnt tell that to him…dont want to use the “we”.

    So my question was: “I miss” is a feeling… but is it a feeling message we are supposed to use or rather not use?
    I mean… “I miss” sounds like I want to blame him…want him to do something.

    I dont want him to get this impression…
    One time… I said something and added ” I dont want to blame you or anything I just wanted to state what I am feeling right now”
    His answer was: “But you have a goal…otherwise you wouldnt have said anything”
    I answered with: “No. I just wanted you to know how I feel”

    And then it was totally awkward…

    The times I tried to express the “negative” feelings to him he always got defensive.
    I know that I didnt communicate them in the right way… but now I am afraid of trying again…

  108.  #108Leo on December 28, 2010 at 2:15 am

    And another question…
    I want to be an invitation for my man, be open. And… I thought I was, but one time he told me that I was acting strange (e.g. not paying so much attention to him, not looking into his eyes so much).
    And I got the mistake there, so I changed my behaviour.

    What else are like “actions” to do to be open toward him? That I am an invitation for him?
    examples please…

  109.  #109Senior Lady Vibe on December 28, 2010 at 6:57 am

    @95 Darling Ella says:
    “Hmm…I am reading again Rori’s ebook…
    She promotes the concept that either partner (disregard of gender) can assume the masculine or the feminine role…yet not both for the success of the relationship…
    So, some “Sirens” (gosh, this feels weird…how about Mermaids) feel comfortable in the masculine role…thinking, action-oriented, decision-making, giving…”

    Yes, I could describe myself that way: “thinking, action-oriented, decision-making, giving.” I’m comfortable with that. I believe there are all sorts of women in the world but we are still women.

    @96 Darling Ella says:
    “…Another self observation…I’ve been making bias judgments based on gender…If the participant name is “Mary”, I have had expectations of reading feeling messages…and if she didn’t…I felt triggered…annoyed…judgmental…
    Hmm…interesting…I don’t feel judgmental towards Jim…I guess not yet…:)…”

    I see.

    @100: Rosa says:

    “Hi Gang,
    I came on to share some holiday relaxation and greetings.. I wanted to feel good…”

    I wanted to share and feel good too; I intend to…

    I hope all is going well. I have lots of snow here and I’m enjoying the thousands of lights at my apartment and courtyard gardens. Everything looks like a beautiful fairy winter wonderland. It’s very cheering but of course, I wish I had a sweetie to enjoy the lights with me. 😀

    I am “feeling” but also I am my thinking self too so I’ve a lot going on and happy about it. I ordered the Richard Bandler book from the library but so far I’ve only worked by way up to 13 out of 14 waiting on one copy. 😥

    A friend is going to Switzerland for the summer and her son has invited me too…exciting and I’m going to think about it but I don’t think it’s doable this year. The Montreal trip AmberS talked about seems like it might work for me instead…but…you never know… 😆

    Anyway at dinner party there was much talk about travel and languages, most people spoke two or three and I’m the typical American mono-lingual type…

    SO!!! I’ve decided whether I travel or not this summer or fall I’m going to do some language study. This morning I’m having cafe au lait, French bread with French jam (mirabelle) to get me in the mood for video French lessons. 😆 I’m doing free language lessons online 😀

    I think this one might be for U.S. only but in case anyone is interested:

    Video on Demand – “French In Action” 52 lessons

    Rosa, If you miss me on these threads, feel free to e-mail; I’d like to hear from you.

    ladyvibeblog at

  110.  #110Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 7:04 am


    RE: #107-108 – How about something like this for a positive approach?

    You want to know something that turns me on?


    I mean, I just LOVE it when we do this.

    What is it??

    I love the way you touch me. I love it when we snuggle, and then I start feeling all aroused. And I just love making love with you!

    Leo, is there any reason you know of that he may have cooled off? Are there things you can do to become more Sireny (as in Rori’s Modern Siren program)?

    Hope this helps!

  111.  #111Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 7:06 am


    As an alternative, maybe you can recall one of your favorite times you made love together, detailing one moment after another, or even playfully starting to act out the foreplay, while you are snuggling, of what you did in the past. Or maybe just while he’s caressing you, you can just purr and say, “Ooh, I love your touch!”

  112.  #112Mercedes on December 28, 2010 at 7:19 am

    Mostly just subscribing here but also wanted to say I still struggle a lot with these speeches. When I see them written here they don’t seem all that natural. I’ve spoken with tinque about them and I know of direct examples of when they’ve done what they are intended to do, but it seems like something’s missing with them here.

    They don’t work when we use them on this blog and it is a rare post when a woman on this blog tells a true success story of one that was used on a man. I mean I know these men are sometimes stepping up for the remainder of the conversation when a feeling message is used, etc, but they don’t seem to be stepping up in a permanent way after one of these speeches.

    I don’t know. I guess I can see their value, but…for me, speaking from the heart means not planning it out and really, truly saying what I feel in the moment.

    Hmmm…strange that after all this time on this blog they still feel so awkward to me…

    Much Love,

    PS: Hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas!

  113.  #113marina on December 28, 2010 at 8:10 am

    Hello dear Sirens,

    How are you all doing?

    I am just here for a quickie, LOL.

    BF4 came to my house last night, we didn’t talk about money or what happened, and I feel fine about that. I felt happy that we were together.

    I definetely feel good about the fact that he responded quite positive to me stating my boundary. We are on a team he said and if you can be honest and say no to me, you can say and do so with anyone. LOL, he was coaching me! 🙂

    I feel that I don’t want to worry and just be and let things happen and be surprised.

    I still have to let go of the overfunctioning…LOL
    But at least I am starting to feel the difference….BF4 had a terrible cold and asked me if I could boil him an egg. I wanted to make him some coffee too and wanted to buy some croissants, but was in a hurry and felt guilty that I had to leave him. He came out of bed himself and said, Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.

    Hmmm, that felt so good, I don’t have to run, fix and control and take care of everything for everyone 🙂
    I can bring energy and attention to myself and be and let others be.
    And the world will still be turning 🙂

    This morning my youngest brother and I went to a silly movie, LOL, it was great!
    Then he told me that he wanted to buy some nice shirt, because his studentfriends told him he should wear something nice for their New Years gathering.

    Thank you peer pressure!
    I had mentioned to him earlier that he should have some nice shirts, not just sweaters and Tshirts, especially since he is going to university. And I would like him to get used to wearing shirts as well. At my office everybody wears shirts (with or without a suit) and that looks really nice. Only nerdy guys wear Tshirts and they are very friendly but have no status whatsoever.

    Yes, give it to me and tell me I was pushing and mothering my brother and not excepting him the way he is…:P

    At that time he just said I don’t like shopping blahblah.
    Now he totally went for it and we found 4 really nice shirts. Since it is Sale season, they were only 54 euros all together, instead of 150. We agreed to both pay half and I felt good about that. I didn’t feel obliged to pay, like I would feel before, I just really wanted to pay half as a gift to him.

    Tonight I am gonna watch ‘Burlesque’ with some girlfriends, woohoo 🙂

    I am going to read some more of your posts, learn and see what triggers me.

    Ciao, Marina

  114.  #114Soul Sista on December 28, 2010 at 8:25 am

    RE: Speeches ~ i wish i had come and read the blog yesterday because this is what i really needed to hear. but, he and i, got in a big fight in email. it feels horrible.

    all my fault, too. he simply asked me if i planned on staying in Idaho or going back to California. i flipped out. i told him “if you have to ask me that question you don’t know me AT ALL.” that he should know that i left home with the parents to get away from drunk stepfather, drunk stepfather is dead, so i’m back.

    to me, this proves he doesn’t care. no, all this proves is that i am VERY angry with him.

    he told me it is a legitimate question then BLAMES me saying my traveling and moving around is the reason we can’t be together.

    i react again and send him a long detailed email about WHY i have had to move around. of course, he does not respond. then i send him another email telling him i love him and getting all mushy. of course, he really doesn’t respond to this one, either.

    there’s nothing i can do. what’s done is done. i just don’t know what to do anymore. it sounds like he is pissed that i’m going traveling with my mom to AZ.

    i just don’t know what to do any more.

  115.  #115life_is_too_short_to... on December 28, 2010 at 8:28 am

    Hi Leo @ 107

    I also ponder how is it that I can deliver a feeling message in response to something he has said, just to let him know how I am feeling, without having some kind of goal or scenario in mind about how I
    was not OK with how he actually said something and how i prefer that he had not said it. Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have said anything.

    For instance, if they say or do something that makes you feel angry or hurt, and you say, “I feel upset” and just see what happens, I find that they often take it personally, and feel that you are blaming them for what they said making you feel upset. Even if we don’t say that. And in a way, we are. Finding fault with what they said, that is. Because it made us feel unpleasant.

    Something they said made you feel upset. Yes, you may be taking full responsibility for your feeling, but bottom line, something HE said or did triggered it. But it’s not about making him into a bad person for saying it.

    My thinking here is, that if we have the right intention when we are giving the feeling message, the man who cares for our feelings, who is mature and willing to take responsibility for his part in things will be able to see past his own ego pride and be willing to see how he can make things better for you, in a genuinely caring way.

    Like Rori writes in one of her latest e-letters, if he says something that hurts you, you stop and breathe, and sit down, and rather than go into the same old way of responding,

    you say, in a way that is not about blaming him, making him wrong, or that it is HE that hurt you, “I feel hurt or angry or disappointed”.

    Then you stand up. If he apologizes you say “I don’t like feeling_______, it makes me feel turned off.”

    I love this!

    Feeling messages are working brilliantly for me with CD#1 so far. He responds quite well to them, even when I have worded something according to my old patterns, and then stop and think and say it in a feeling message right after, he responds so warmly and willingly, saying something like, “well, when you say it THAT way……” He responds well, and I feel cared about.

    progress report….

    I’m still not sure if he is more of a boy toy and a fun companion friend, than my happily ever after, but I am experimenting and not looking necessarily to get married, and I don’t want any more children. So I am doing all I can to just enjoy myself and him for what it’s worth rather than worrying about who might get hurt down the road. He seems OK with everything the way it is too.

    I also continue to make the effort to keep other men in the rotation,
    and that’s working out pretty well, so far, too, lining up dates.

    I haven’t been seeing anyone else regularly as I am cd#1. We really do have a lot of fun together, and he is not pressuring me uncomfortably for full sex. He says he loves spending time with me no matter what we are doing, and I believe him.

    smiles and happy new year to all…2011 is going to be an
    ultra fantastic one!!


  116.  #116life_is_too_short_to... on December 28, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Leo @108

    Other “inviting” things might be to acknowledge receiving, expressing gratitude, in a “maybe”, not a “please” way.

    Remember, we are looking at each man as “maybe you are the one”, not “please be the one!”

    So, he does something nice for you like open the car door, no matter how many times he has done it, you say “thank you” in a gracious, “Yes! as a diva, i have this nice behavior coming to me and I appreciate it” way, but not an unworthy feeling, “THANK YOU!, I hope you will do that again!” way.

  117.  #117Gift_of_Love on December 28, 2010 at 8:46 am

    I am new to all this and am getting a lot out of Rori’s messages and all these posts, too. I will be starting CD soon. Any advice? Tips?

  118.  #118life_is_too_short_to... on December 28, 2010 at 9:05 am

    Do you think I should be concerned that I haven’t been introduced to any friends of cd#1 yet?

    It has been two months of seeing each other about twice a week and talking almost every day.

    Meanwhile, he has met my two daughters. He has told me that all of his family lives long distance. He included me on some e-mails that he had sent only to his family members.

    He seems to be kind of a loner to me. I am kind of like that, too. I have local friends that I get together with like once a month or something and a lot that live long distance who I talk to on the phone about once a month.

    The thing is, I’m invited (with or without a date) to a couple of parties this week where there will be friends of mine, and I hesitate asking him to come along with me, because I haven’t yet met any of his friends or family.

    I kind of would like him to come with me, but I just don’t know.

    What do you think?


  119.  #119Soul Sista on December 28, 2010 at 9:06 am


    ” And the IDEA of having some kind of self-
    control, so as to not “spew” powerful emotions all
    over a man – the idea of CHOOSING YOUR WORDS (part
    of my Rori Raye Mantra) is GREAT – but it’s in the
    HOW of how you do that that makes your man either
    feel powerfully ATTRACTED to you, or makes him
    care LESS.

    Because just “letting out” your feelings all
    over a man by “telling him off” will only push him

    And “stuffing down” your feelings and
    PRETENDING (to him, or to yourself) that you feel
    something ELSE will ALWAYS push him away.

    Because “telling him off” or “stuffing and
    pretending” is NOT TRUTHFUL!

    And even if HE doesn’t notice it right off (and
    sooner or later he WILL) – YOU’LL know that it’s
    not truthful.

    And then, the moment we do something that does
    not FEEL like the TRUTH to OURSELVES…things go

    Our self-esteem depends on how truthful we are
    with ourselves, and the moment we say or do
    something that is NOT what’s REALLY going on with
    us – our self-esteem goes down.

    And as our self-esteem goes down, our Degree
    of Difficulty goes down, and we become less

    High Self-Esteem = High Degree of Difficulty.
    And High Degree of Difficulty = Attraction.

    So – if we’re feeling hurt, disappointed and
    angry, how do we “let it out” TRUTHFULLY in a way
    that raises our Degree of Difficulty, increases
    his ATTRACTION to us AND changes his bad

    This is what my Modern Siren program will help
    you do almost instantly – and in a FUN way that
    will create even MORE attraction for him.

    Because the more ATTRACTED a man feels, the
    more motivated he feels to CHANGE his behavior in
    order to win you and KEEP YOU.

    So – telling a man off is useless. And keeping
    your feelings to yourself is useless.

    In fact, telling a man off or keeping your
    feelings to yourself are even WORSE than useless.

    These are not “styles” that keep things in

    These styles of handling your hurt,
    disappointment and anger actually do DAMAGE to
    your love life.

    So try this Tool when you’re about to either
    “tell him off” or “hold it in” to actually
    INCREASE his attraction to you – SHIFT GEARS:

    1. STOP. Absolutely INTERRUPT what you’re
    about to do or say.

    Whatever it is you’re about to do or say is
    OLD, it’s what you’ve BEEN DOING – it hasn’t
    worked, and it will never work – so STOP.

    2. Sit down. On the floor is great, on the
    couch or somewhere in the middle of the room is
    best – don’t go slink off in a corner somewhere so
    he won’t see you.

    Just sit down wherever you are when you catch
    yourself about to do or say one of your two
    “styles” – the moment after you STOP.

    3. Take a very deep breath, let it out, then
    breathe in and out 2 more times.

    Let the air go all the way down your body, and
    focus on relaxing each body part as the air
    touches it.

    (Most important body parts for this – let your
    shoulders go, and your pelvis and vagina go. If
    your tummy is dancing around – let it, that’s

    4. Come up with the feeling you were about to
    say to him or stuff down and keep to yourself –
    like, for instance – “hurt.”

    Let’s say he didn’t call when he said he would,
    he didn’t show up at your house when he said he
    would, he made plans to do something elsewhere
    when you were hoping for a romantic evening…and
    you’re about to either TELL HIM OFF, or PRETEND
    everything is fine and wish him a nice evening.

    You stop yourself, you sit down, you breathe,
    you relax your body (Steps 1 through 3).

    Now – find the FEELING by…

    Knowing What The Feeling Is NOT:

    – You know it’s NOT that “he’s wrong and bad
    and hurtful…”

    – You know it’s NOT that “everything’s fine” or
    “I’m so glad you made other plans, because I
    really wanted to spend the evening alone washing
    my hair.” Or even worse – “I got invited to do
    something else, so this is great…” – (if it’s
    not absolutely true.)

    So – what DO YOU KNOW?

    – You KNOW you feel BAD. You know you feel
    DISAPPOINTED. You know you feel ANGRY.

    So – SAY IT!

    5. Tell the Truth:

    Say, out loud, without saying the word “you” –
    feeling you came up with.

    Say: “I feel bad,” or “I feel Disappointed,” or
    I feel Angry.”



    This looks like: you don’t ASK HIM for

    If he apologizes, say Thank You, and then say:

    “I don’t like feeling bad (or disappointed or

    7. That’s it. You’re done.

    Listen to what he has to say, and don’t DISCUSS
    his excuses.

    Don’t get into ANY discussion.

    8. Now you have to follow your feelings even
    more, because you’re going to have Triggered
    yourself with such amazing, brave, sexy, exciting,
    attractive, UNUSUAL – and totally UNEXPECTED

    Your Nasty Voice is going to kick in.

    9. Feel PROUD. Let the Nasty Voice talk, but
    don’t believe it, don’t do what it says, don’t
    defend yourself against it.

    YOU are in CHARGE.

    Say that OUT LOUD right now for practice – “I’m
    in CHARGE of ME.”

    Stand up to the Nasty Voice inside your head in
    this same way you stood up to your man – just
    follow the steps:

    Stop defending against the Voice in your head,
    sit down, breathe, relax your shoulders, pelvis
    and vagina.

    Say to it – “I’m in Charge of Me,” and then –
    and this is important:

    10. IMMEDIATELY turn away from your man, and
    from the Nasty Voice and go do something fun,
    happy, involving, exciting, useful.”

  120.  #120life_is_too_short_to... on December 28, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Yay, SoulSista, that is the e-letter I was referring to!

  121.  #121Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 9:10 am

    Jim and Brenda…thanks for the feedback!

    I haven’t read through all the posts since last night but I wanted to respond to Jim and Brenda and then I’ll go get my yummy coffee and read through them! 🙂

    Jim…I hear what you’re saying and the fact that I sound “easy” feels icky to me 🙁 I’m not sure how to be any other way with him lol I’m just being myself…and not all systems are a GO…he isn’t my pick…but he is my pick too LOL

    yes Brenda…that’s right just because he stays for a week doesn’t mean we need to get married…but when he’s with me 24/7 it’s hard for me to continue doing the things i love to do and then when he leaves I feel all disoriented … I’m writing this I feel like a whiner…

    things in my life are actually really good…when I’m on here I tend to just let out my fear and anxiety…i was thinking about that last night…

    anyway I hope everyone has a fabulous day!

  122.  #122Turtle Girl on December 28, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Soul Sista-#118
    Thank you for reposting RR’s eletter on why this kind of communication is so damaging. I find until I am practiced in this I need to be reminded every so often until it becomes natural to me.

    My own personal version of this is that we react to him (other people too) with two ways and neither one works. I call them “fight or flight” communication. Fight=dumping all over his in an angry vomit-i.e. letting him have it! OR flight-which is the stuffing of our feelings because we are running/fleeing from our own truth. Not acknowledging the truth of our feelings and they get repressed and anything that gets repressed is gonna come up sooner or later. We vomit, we get sick in our bodies, we get sick in our heads. We just get sick emotionally and then depression sets in or any number of horrible things that happen -ALL a result of not telling the truth in our lives. Wow this stuff is so powerful.

    Truth in some form of feeling message is the only way to get past all the negative emotion and painful feelings and bring it into the light. Truth is always like a ray of sunshine to me. And hard to do. I want it from others but find it sometimes hard to do myself.
    All that training in “not hurting someone’s feelings” by not saying anything —- icky. So we end up passive or aggressive. Fight or flight and I now see so clearly how this is so damn destructive to everyone involved. God I was blind for so long.

    Baby step by baby step. xxoo

  123.  #123Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 9:40 am

    So Life_is_too_short reminded me that we want to be “maybe” and not “please”…”maybe” feels sooooo much better than “please” ugghhhh!!! JUST saying please feels bad!!

    I don’t want to worry about where the relationship is going…I just want to relax and have fun and enjoy the time we have together…why is that so hard all of a sudden????

    I’m going snowshoeing with #2 CD today and then dinner and a movie 🙂 He’s a great catch and totally pursuing me but I don’t feel the chemistry sooo much…but I’m certain it’s because I’m working through intimacy issues…I seem to pick the emotionally/physically unavailable ones…and here CD#2 is totally available and healthy and financially set and I’m not into him:( BLAH…I’m not giving up yet

  124.  #124Soul Sista on December 28, 2010 at 9:53 am

    life is too short & turtle girl (and all) yeah, this is about the MOST IMPORTANT thing i could ever retrain myself in!

    i would read that newsletter article and think (i would REALLY think this!) OK, this time, Rori has got to be wrong…i’ll show him a high degree of difficulty with a foot upside ‘da head!


    but, i kept reading TRYING to understand and i didn’t understand until said “foot” – ended up in my own mouth. but, that is what had to happen for me to “get it.” and boy do i get it now.

    the thing i really did not understand was when Rori said how our self-esteem would go down…WHY? did i not understand it??? because it was the MOST thing i needed to see about myself – ME? low self esteem? IMPOSSIBLE.

    but there i was after the altercation …groveling! why did i feel like throwing up after? because my self-esteem exited and i was left completely off balanced.

    now i do nothing. except, i started panicking about what to do about the next music project because i am so disgusted with this whole situation. should i leave forever? every solution my head was coming up with was totally manipulative. so, i did a 5 card tarot reading which basically said, finish another project to take pride on your work (literally i can type out the whole advice card if anyone is interested) and then that things have to start looking up for us on a material level for there to be any movement in our relationship, and that is his job.

    so i don’t have to do anything right now except for go have fun in AZ with my mom 🙂

  125.  #125life_is_too_short_to... on December 28, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Jilly @ 122 “I don’t want to worry about where the relationship is going…I just want to relax and have fun and enjoy the time we have together…why is that so hard all of a sudden????”

    Hi Jilly,
    For me, if my goal is a long term, happily ever after married or committed relationship with one partner, then, I have to accept that it is also perfectly OK to be “concerned about” where the relationship is going, all at the same time as not “worrying about” where it is going. I don’t want to invest a lot of time, and get too exclusive, over time, with one person, especially if there are some reservations.

    The beauty of CDing is that you don’t drop any one of them unless, until, you have three in your rotation at all times.

    So, it becomes more of a circumstance of natural course of events, where the ones that don’t make the cut, for whatever reason, will naturally fade away or drop off.

    So, we don’t have to worry about it so much, but just be aware of what we want and don’t want, and keep that in sight. Because before you know it, you could have a GF/BF or living together arrangement with someone who you have doubts/reservations about, and, I don’t want to invest that much time.


  126.  #126Rosalie on December 28, 2010 at 10:20 am

    @Darling Ella:
    How do you feel now? i’m sending you my love and support. Please drop me a note to my email, if you have some free minutes.

    I feel lonely now… Extremely lonely. I feel this very rarely. I feel abandoned. Too much burden on me. I should report my ex man for his false police claims.
    I would need my friends who are busy. My best friend (guy) pissed me off today… He promised to take photos of me to the online dating websites. So i have ask another friend who is very busy.

    I feel terrible. I feel like everybody is against me. I feel small. 🙁

  127.  #127Soul Sista on December 28, 2010 at 10:32 am

    @Rosalie ~ (((((HUG)))))) i hate it when it feels that awful. i’m sorry. do you like bubble baths?

    xoxoxo soul sista

  128.  #129Lola on December 28, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    I have been feeling furious that my ex husband has gone away for Xmas with his new girlfriend, leaving his 2 children to spend Xmas without him this year – the reason being that she (his new girlfriend needs to see her sister and her kids – who are in their twenties)

    My children are 10 and 16. Also his mother never returned my daughter’s phone call on Xmas day and Boxing Day.

    I want to bring this up with him when he returns but I know I’m gonna want to be nasty.

    Is this a case for feeling messages? or would it be stuffing when what I really wanna say would be a complete blasting.

    Any advice? I find it hard communicating with men I like but harder when I don’ respect them.

    Would love some ideas.

  129.  #130Dorothea on December 28, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    did you ladies know that LI got me diamond studded platinum hoop earrings for christmas?


    I guess I was in shock. He hardly makes any money at all and just started a new job.

    I am glad I am so important to him 😀

  130.  #131Darling Ella on December 28, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Rosalie # 126:

    A big warm hug to you…Wish there was something I could do to make u feel better 🙁

    I have a few minutes right now before getting out again…Lots of processing for me…it started with lots of thinking since Sat and…today…hmm…transforming the thoughts into feelings…been working on some stuff…will post this evening…

    I will email u too 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  131.  #132Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 3:32 pm


    RE: #129 – Here’s a suggestion for a feeling message:

    I feel furious about our children feeling ignored on Christmas. The kids and I feel really bad, and we don’t want to feel like this.

    I feel so angry, filled with rage, this feeling feels horrible…I feel like doing damage. I don’t want to feel this way..and I’m totally okay with this feeling…I just want to feel it for a moment, so it’s making me feel quiet and withdrawn…I feel so angry, I feel like I want to hurt you…”


    If it were me, I would address his mother separately. He is not to blame for her. You could use a comparable feeling message for her.

    What do you think?

  132.  #133Jim on December 28, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    103: jilly,
    I was trying to tell you how I would take it. Wasn’t implying you are or were easy, then again I was, in that yes, it’s good a woman is easy for her man. No in that your no easy in the way it implies disrespect.

    Another way of saying this is. By your text, I would assume you were all systems go with me, just like I am with you, so to speak.

    Everything seems to get complicated the more it is made to be complicated.

    Also, in my opinion. If your not absolutely sure about him, your not there. Commitment is hard, though it is a decision. Also, I understand neither of you are committed to one another.

  133.  #134Jim on December 28, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    129: Lola,
    Respect anyway. What gives you the right to not respect someone anyway. Especially if you don’t communicate well.

    My guess is when your mad at them, you have no problem communicating that your angry…

    My point is this, somehow people thing it’s ok not to show respect to someone when they feel or think they have betrayed their respect in the first place.

    Remember, respect is a boundary. So if he jumps off a cliff, should you follow. That not really a question.

  134.  #135Dorothea on December 28, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    129 Lola
    My take on it is probably different from what other people might suggest, but I would tell your kids’ father that everyone really missed him on christmas. you could even have your kids there too when he comes to see them next. and you say “we all really missed you for christmas!” if your kids agree they will say something on their own probably.

    i would feel angry too, but this way you’re focusing on the positive emotion/aspect that’s being covered up by anger otherwise: that he is needed and appreciated as a member of the family, especially on important holidays.

  135.  #136Lola on December 28, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Brenda – Hello and thanks always good to see it reflected back to me : D

    Jim – OK, well I can’t make myself respect him but I can behave respectfully to him.

    Dorothea – Yes, I see what you mean that positives work better than negatives – I know he won’t respond well to a deluge of criticism.

    because it’s about my children and I feel they have been reject I feel like a lioness ready to pounce!

  136.  #137Daria on December 28, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    feeling tired

    taking good care of me!

    took a hot shower, changing my sheets, ate a bowl of vegetable soup with some Kelp flakes added

    organic yum stuff made by me and moms

    melted some wax (for removing hair into a jar) and checked out mom’s creams and the wax she got with her

    checking my texts, my facebook , the blog

    feeling relaxed

    glad im taking great care of me

    gonna look up the travel schedule for tomorrow…

    and soon snuggle in BED!


  137.  #138Daria on December 28, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    i keep having flashes of seeing sexy cd

    and hearing what he said to me (remember i couldnt really remember most lol! just flashes)

    and it happens SO MUCH its like constant daydream of this

    i wonder what this is

    it happens sometimes, a man gets fixated and associated with sex in my mind

    i feel sad i dont have a man offering me sex the way i want it


    i love me

    intending to learn about this

    flashback thing

  138.  #139Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Must be everyone’s taking long winter naps tonight.

  139.  #140Darling Ella on December 28, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    I posted in a previous blog my recent development…Last night, I gave in to my torture and called him…(remember I haven’t initiated calling for over 2 months).

    I could not leave a message both phones were out of the area… So, I end up sending him a txt saying…”I can’t wait no longer…U must know we are pregnant…” I felt relieved…yet, anxious …

    He responded this morning around 10…in simple words…”Very Sad”…nothing more or less…At that time, I was at one of my doctor appointments waiting…

    I remember reading his response…and sinking into the chair cushion…getting smaller and smaller…hugging myself…And Boom….a big wave of heat right in my face…then sinking lower and feeling heavy in my chest…

    A smaller voice inside of me was whispering…”What are u feeling?”…What are u feeling?”
    And then, I raised my head and got lost…voices continued for me…

    “Father, I feel scared…
    Father, what should I do?
    Father: Do nothing!
    Father: Stay still…just notice…
    “Father, I feel frozen…I feel numb…
    I am far away next to a rim surrounded by lonely trees…and lots of snow…
    It’s quiet here…I like quiet…I like my silence…
    I watch large snow particles falling down…
    Snow falls over me…
    I feel it touching my face, my hair, my arms…
    It feels cold and tingly, yet so darling and playful…
    Oh, no…I feel like crying…I am crying…I feel joy…relief…like from an unwanted bondage…

    Hmm…I feel liked…The snow particles like Me, my freckles, my nose, my smile…
    Father, I feel like I just made a new friend…it feels good…”

    Today, I embraced my emotions in the moment completely…I felt them deeply…by the time I left my appointment, I recall driving and thinking…”What would make me feel good??? I smiled at the thought of relocating…it all seemed so simple…and I realized…it was the feeling of peace within me that made it simple…the decision, how to, etc…

    But then again…”what would make me feel good today? “A massage, a facial…couldn’t get the massage today…but I did get the facial and I received the treatment gratefully…

    I know I am not out of the woods…The over 20 months of toxic relationship has created many habits for me…I am processing going for a complete No Contact…and/or creating stronger Boundaries…

    I will continue using feeling message at all times. I feel scared though…I gave in to his “mini rehabilitations” in the past…so I lost trust that I can stick to it this time…

    Baby steps…:(

  140.  #141Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    (((Darling Ella)))

    What a beautiful description you gave in the midst of your sadness and loneliness. I feel sad for you that he didn’t step up more than that in the midst of your crisis. Congratulations on being a mother!

    I am glad you are giving to yourself and nurturing yourself. Maybe there is a crisis pregnancy center near where you live, where you can find support and caring, even if it’s just someone to talk with. Is there anything we can do for you?

  141.  #142Darling Ella on December 28, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    Thank u Brenda 🙂 Very kind of u 🙂

    Accepting me, giving me feedback, support…I couldn’t ask for anything more…It feels great 🙂

    Warm hugs,

  142.  #143Daria on December 28, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    In bed… Thoughts of… I want sex…

    Feeling sad… Almost like crying….


    Oh! My body is tight!

    My body wants stretching!

    Thank you inner genius.

    Body tomorrow we will sex! I will now call my exercise sex!


  143.  #144Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    Darling Ella…just offering my support also…you are a very brave woman…and an amazing example to me about how to go deep into my feelings…I agree with Brenda…it was very beautiful reading your experience 🙂

  144.  #145Rosa on December 28, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    Hi Lola ,

    Maybe something like this.

    Christmas felt strange without you around with the kids. The kids missed you a lot.
    I felt distressed and sad and angry when I saw their hurt feelings. I still feel bad.

    It would feel better to keep Christmas as family time next year and until they are grown.I am happy to work on this. I dont want to see them hurt and missing you like this again. What do you think?

  145.  #146Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Jim…thank you for clarifying for me 🙂 I agree..things get complicated if we make them complicated…

    so far yesterday and most of today I was feeling the distance between sexy pipeliner and me but I went out snow shoeing with cd#2 and pipeliner text me and I couldn’t respond so he sent another text saying

    “baby if you’re sleeping..sweetdreams…and I miss our cuddles :(”

    big sigh 🙂 I feel happy about that…then i texted
    a feeling message when I got home a few hours later and it’s midnight his time but he texted back right away….that’s the man I know! I feel all sireny right now 🙂

  146.  #147Daria on December 28, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    In bed – took 3 squirts of dong quai and did nani love… I felt achy tummy after!

    I feel excited… I want to get my red blood in a week. I’m experimenting w the ding quai. Has anyone heard of the lunaception method?

    It regulates cycles by sleeping in total darkness, only 3 days of cycle – ovulation full moon – sleeping with a light on.

  147.  #148Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    Rosa I really like those feeling messages you wrote for Lola…

    ok with cd#2…I am just not attracted…I felt myself getting annoyed today/tonight…it was our 5th date? I kept having to get back into my siren self (just feeling relaxed, easy going, feminine) cause I wanted to go home after a short time…it wasn’t super easy to stay there with him..
    so while we were eating dinner he started talking about buying gifts for women and how it’s a no win situation and if a woman asks you if she is fat that there is no right answer…
    me: I didn’t know what to say so I asked him why women were asking him that
    he asked,”well don’t you ever ask that?”
    me: NO..I never have and I never will
    me: why are you dating women who ask that kind of stuff…
    him: starts defending the other women…I felt turned off…I asked him why he was defending them…and he changed the subject..

    I know I know…I’m not really sure why I am sharing that here on the blog…but i just felt like writing it out and now I’m gonna send it

  148.  #149Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 10:08 pm


    That’s cute…”did nani love”… 🙂

    Sex is my favorite form of exercise… Hehe!

  149.  #150Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    I just joined several groups in my area. It will be a nice way to meet men without the pressure of dating.

    I want to find a good place to go for New Year’s Eve, not just anyplace. Somewhere fun. Hmmm.

  150.  #151Jim on December 28, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Right on and I’m happy for you!!

    Though i don’t understand and am a bit conflicted on the circular dating thing.

    So any and all, please step up to justify, explain, tell me how you feel or whatever comes.

    Thanks, Jim

  151.  #152Jim on December 28, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    WAITING!! 🙂

  152.  #153Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Dorothea!!! YAY for you…diamond earrings!!! That’s awesome…I’m not sure about the whole “love languages” thing…but for him to do that but not do some other things that seem so easy…maybe there’s something to it? what do you think?

  153.  #154Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Ya Jim…I’m conflicted too…just so you know..

    it’s a whole new concept for me…

    The hardest part for me is I start questioning…like if I have these guys calling and texting then he probably does too and then I start feeling bad about our “relationship” even if I know he doesn’t…did that make sense?

    and then I remember Daria saying one time…that it isn’t possible for him to want/be with other women…and I think of that and it makes me feel better…thanks Daria 🙂

  154.  #155Jim on December 28, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    BTW, I forgot to say hi to everyone…

    Hi everyone!!

    Brenda, going out? Good 4u!!

    Daria, sweet dreams.

    Dorothia, WOW!!

    Jilly, Hi, and if I sounded harsh? I apologize. Me can be rough around the collar sometimes…

  155.  #156Daria on December 28, 2010 at 10:23 pm

    Jilly – those questions seem to have a strong agenda and intent to judge…

    How about… “hmm that feels weird to hear… I don’t like thinking like that”

    Him: like what

    Me: that women always ask if they’re fat… I feel kinda weird and … I’m not sure… Kinda stereotyped? It Diesnt feel good.

  156.  #157Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    The circular dating thing is about not committing to “one” guy until you get what you want…ie..marriage or committed relationship..whatever that looks like to you

    Rori said that men need to know/feel that there are other men in the picture and that if we become exclusive before commitment we are in the “girlfriend” trap…and I have seen many women stuck in the girlfriend trap…so it makes sense..

    what do you think?

  157.  #158Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:28 pm are absolutely right…I was over it

    but I appreciate you posting those new responses because that really helps me…I want to automatically say those kind instead of the “totally instigating” kind…which I was instigating cause I was feeling annoyed…blah!

  158.  #159Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:28 pm are absolutely right…I was over it

    but I appreciate you posting those new responses because that really helps me…I want to automatically say those kind instead of the “totally instigating” kind…which I was instigating cause I was feeling annoyed…blah!

  159.  #160Daria on December 28, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Jim – I feel amused hearing that you feel conflicted. Around cd. My guess is that’s likely how men do feel daring a woman who CDs.

    Cd cones down to – a woman wants something – in this case a relationship forever – happy marriage.

    This happens when a man willingly proposes to her and she likes him.

    Therefore she goes on living life – including spending time with men – and practicing communication, attraction, negotiation, honesty.

    Until a man – who has gotten to know her by spending time with her and realizes he wants this woman to himself and Always wants this woman – proposes to her and offers her the relationship she wants.

  160.  #161Jim on December 28, 2010 at 10:30 pm


    Ok… I’m just going to say at this point. Sometimes I wish I weren’t human… 🙂

    Though, thank you for what I believe is real honesty. Thank you indeed.

    “The hardest part for me is I start questioning…like if I have these guys calling and texting then he probably does too and then I start feeling bad about our “relationship” even if I know he doesn’t…did that make sense?”

    Makes perfect sense. GUILT?

    “and then I remember Daria saying one time…that it isn’t possible for him to want/be with other women…and I think of that and it makes me feel better…thanks Daria ”

    If he loves you, speaking from this man’s POV, Well, I have to concur, absolutely. Here’s the thing. I don’t know how sincere or deep your feelings are for this guy. Be careful, be very careful from here on…

  161.  #162Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    no worries Jim…you didn’t sound harsh to me..sometimes it’s hard to get the correct meaning through this kind of communication…

  162.  #163Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    ok…now I’m feeling REALLY interested in what you mean by that Jim…so….what do you mean by that?? I am totally falling for pipeliner…that’s why my feelings have been so hormonally driven…

    and what do you mean by you wish you weren’t human? You’re being very vague lol what gives??

  163.  #164Daria on December 28, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    I feel bad readung guikt. I feel misunderstood abd judged. 🙁

    I dont want to feel guilty… And I dont. I am an honest gurl looking for marriage.

    this feeks secure to me that I am behavimg with integrity.

    The questioning for me woukd come frm fear… And thats based on thoughts id rather change.

  164.  #165Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    jim…I’m going to fill you in..

    we’ve been dating for about 3 months…its been amazing…then a month ago his job got moved 12 hrs away so it’s been long distance…well before he moved he was kinda asking where we were and I said it’s too soon to say and he said that I should not not date anyone because of him and that if we knew eachother longer it would be different (i believe him cause he’s an honest guy) and I told him he doesn’t have to worry about that (cause in my head I was like..well..sweet I was dating anyway) but we haven’t talked about it since…

  165.  #166Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    this feels confusing to me…both sides feel “right” to me

    when I hear a man say “circular dating” isn’t cool (no one has said that…just hypothetically) or actually my mom thinks i’m not being honest..

    but when I hear Daria say it…it feels like “oh ya..duh” not a big deal

  166.  #167Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    but honestly I do feel GUILTY…I’ve even been having really bad dreams about it

  167.  #168Jim on December 28, 2010 at 10:49 pm

    Maybe it’s just the terminology, Circular dating. Dating being the key word. I guess a date can be as simple as going to get gas on thursday with a friend.

    This may sound weird but, I’m not one who would like to cd because I think it adolescent. We meet each other of the opposite sex all the time, daily.

    there’s something,”intentional” about this that doesn’t set right with me… Sorry. I know there are rules.

    If I meet a gal that I know is cd’ing. I’m done. I suppose it is because if I have to compete for a woman. Gone done. and I am one of the strongest fiercest competitors I know or have ever known. But I know where to do it. In the games meant to be games, baseball, golf (especially for me.) Organized sports. As for business, I hate it and stay away from the competitive game, peoples real lives are at stake.

    I guess it all sounds well and good in theory, in practicality. I think I would have to pass. Telling her, if I really liked her. When your done playing, when I can have your undivided attention. Let’s see then or not.

    Yes to me, it is putting competition on a level, I won her. Where competition has no place. As a matter of fact, when relationships become adversarial, they’ve become competitive.

    I’m sure it’s all meant innocently. BUT does it turn out that way. So, say the guys is a real competitor, he does everything to win. Then does win. Well he won. What. Where is the love. I don’t think they go hand in hand.

  168.  #169Nikita on December 28, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    I feel angry

  169.  #170Jim on December 28, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    I wish I weren’t human means it would be easy to make decisions. a funny way to cop out on my part.

    Hope I answered in 168.

  170.  #171Jim on December 28, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    At me?

  171.  #172Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 10:57 pm

    thanks for your thoughts on this topic Jim

    so I feel curious…do you date just one woman at a time?

  172.  #173Jim on December 28, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    I’m not judging you Jilly. Actually I’m happy for you.

    If I were dating you and found out. Simply, i’d call it off because I would be hurt. It leave too much for the imagination to conjure about a woman to potentially love and trust.

    Where’s the trust at the onset…?

    Also, you doing Rori’s method. I am sure, there is a lot I don’t know about the guidelines she lays out. I haven’t found any of her advice to be punitive.

    So, before you feel guilty about something? Your the only one who knows how your handling your dates. Right.

  173.  #174Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    Daria I really liked the way you posted 164…you are a genius at feeling messages to yourself and others…hope that makes sense 🙂

  174.  #175Jim on December 28, 2010 at 11:04 pm

    I am not questioning your integrity what so ever. I may be the one here that doesn’t fully understand.

    Take care, your a good person.

  175.  #176Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 11:05 pm

    yes…and I’m doing my own “research” i guess I’ll call it. I don’t feel judged by’s my own “voices” that are getting to me that make me want to talk it out…

  176.  #177Jim on December 28, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    172: jilly
    I have been on very few dates. The dating thing, I was never that adventurous, that way.

    If I meet a gal I like, and at my age, liking a person goes a long way. Maybe more than love…

    If I like her, I get to know her, yes, her alone, no sex, because I believe this, “Get to know a person as best you can before you make love.” Because, “The F*cking you get might be for the f*cking you got.” Jeff Bridges

  177.  #178Jilly on December 28, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    hmmm…interesting quote to live by 😉

    I feel sleepy and a little exhausted from my thoughts and feelings these past few days…I’m getting up early to go get my workout in ….that always helps me feel better and think clearer

    goodnight all 🙂

  178.  #179Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 11:16 pm


    When I dated Ryan for 10 months in 2009, we were exclusive. About halfway through that time, I started listening to Rori’s CD seminars.

    At first I was dead set against circular dating, and I thought she was really off course. As my relationship progressed…or didn’t (**sigh!**)…I began to tune in more and more to Rori’s ideas about circular dating.

    It really doesn’t do it justice to read a few lines about it on a blog. It doesn’t make sense, and, like you observed, it doesn’t sound like love. But when I heard her tell her story on the CD seminars, little by little, it sunk in, and it felt brilliant!

    The deeper I got with Ryan, the more he hedged on commitment, as the stakes went up. The more he hedged, the more insecure, anxious, and convincing I became, despite my intentions to apply Rori’s concepts of femininity and letting the man initiate.

    The more I let Ryan know I loved him, the more elusive he became. I felt quite like a mouse between the paws of a young cat, who had just caught his first mouse, felt his power, and had no idea what to do with it!

    Circular dating became increasingly my solution. I thought it through, and if I were dating other men, I wouldn’t be crashing and burning so much as Ryan played cruel games with my heart.

    Finally, I told him, to be above board, that I was no longer exclusive and was going to begin to date other men until a ring was on my finger. You know enough about me to know I was on a fast downward spiral and couldn’t go on and on at his mercy.

    In general, men tend to fear commitment. Many men tend to date without ever saying forever, while a lot of women are ready for forever and feel frustrated that their men seem to shy off from marriage and commitment so much.

    When I circular date, I am taking back my power as a woman. See, you, as a man, can pick and choose who you date. The dance dynamics of dating are such that I am a wall flower until a man asks me to dance (date). When I date 3 to 5 men at a time, I feel empowered as a woman. I am launching myself in a process of evaluation, and may the best man win!

    It’s comparable to the dynamics of the bachelorette! This woman has a couple dozen men to choose from, and it’s her market! On the bachelor, the man has a couple dozen women throwing themselves at his feet, and it’s his market. The problem is, by nature, a man can’t fall in love with a woman chasing, pursuing, and convincing him. By nature, a man is a hunter, and he moves out to get what he wants.

    When I put myself in the position of being pursued, rather than throwing myself between Ryan’s cat paws, he can better fall in love with me. It rights the balance of the relationship. He moves in my direction.

    Rori lays it out clearly in Targeting Mr. Right and Commitment Blueprint, among other programs. What do you think?

  179.  #180Jim on December 28, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    Brenda, Hey you!!
    Can I do 2 things here. One I have to work in the morning and 2, let me think about this some more. I already read you comment.

    I live in Colorado and it’s 12:33 AM, I’m supposed to be at work around 8. Email it to me if you like?

    Have a good evening Brenda and comment with the rest of you tomorrow…

  180.  #181Brenda on December 28, 2010 at 11:44 pm

    Hi Jim!

    Sweet dreams! 🙂

  181.  #182Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 1:13 am

    Dear Rori’s Blog,

    Good “night”! I enjoy talking with you each day! You are such a nice companion, and I feel intrigued to explore your many opinions. I am sleepy now, so maybe I will actually get some more sleep before the sun comes up.

    Love, Brenda

  182.  #183Leo on December 29, 2010 at 2:08 am

    @ Brenda 110, 111.

    Thanks for you reply!!

    Things like “i love feeling you hands on my skin” etc. I tell him quite frequently. So that kind of “talk” we’ve had.
    One time I told him (like 2 weeks ago) that I feel this longing for him (in a sexual way). And he repsonded really nice to it.
    Two days ago when we went to bed he whispered in my ear that he is soo shattered.

    You were talking about him being cooled off.
    And actually I know its not cause of me.
    I know so because when we have sex its so great and he totally does enjoy it, it’s not like “lets get it over with”.
    And yesterday we did have sex and I said I missed him, and he was soooo cute. He said how he is sooo shattered lately, and tired. And that he is sorry for me being sad.

    And I actually think… I am acting better about this.
    I stopped initiating it. And I told myself that I will be fine without him and our sexuality and that I can take care of myself.
    And i think I got a better vibe about it now…

    Oh, an about the modern siren program… I would like to become a greater Siren. But I cant really afford the program.

    Thanks again for your reply.
    I keep working on me!

    I feel so happy right now!

  183.  #184Rosa on December 29, 2010 at 5:25 am

    I feel happy too!

    Went on a “date ” tonight unexpectedly with old friend (first ever BF ) ..lets call him schoolgirl crush man . He has been “engaged” for 10 years ..yeah right..he has been caught in a “boyfriend trap” where she wore his ring but would not marry him and prevaricated about moiving in etc . SO INTERESTING to hear his story. He eventually asked her to decide, was she in, or was she out. She dumped him at Christmas.

    So , he is free and needs a friend around , so asked me to a movie and drinks. I certainly dont feel romantic about him , (I was so very in love aged 15 for over a year – no sex !) but I have acquired a CD nonetheless.

    Given my lack of confidence after my cancer surgery and the G-Man disaster, I am delighted to have a CD “arrive” on my doorstep.

    I also made a date for the weekend with a lawyer from e-harmony who sounds great on the phone and has very yummy pictures 🙂

    I went shopping for some summer dresses in the sales today so in am even feeling prettier despite my breast reconstruction, scars etc. Crushman complimented me several times on my looks and my dress, etc.. I feel alive again !

    I also feel pathetic that my happiness is so boosted by having men interested in me.

    NV says I need a man to be interested to prove I am still an ok person. OK NV I hear you!!! But I do want to hear the still quiet voice as well…so PIPE DOWN NV!!!

  184.  #185Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 6:03 am

    @169: Nikita says:

    “I feel angry”

    How are you? I haven’t seen you around here much lately.

    You might like this little fun video. I think it “revved up” my hormones…at least the testosterone… 😆


  185.  #186Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 6:14 am

    @184: Rosa says:

    “I feel happy too!”

    Count me in; I feel happy too! 😀

    “…I also feel pathetic that my happiness is so boosted by having men interested in me.
    NV says I need a man to be interested to prove I am still an ok person. OK NV I hear you!!! But I do want to hear the still quiet voice as well…so PIPE DOWN NV!!!…”

    Yes, pipe down NV! Rosa, I have the idea that it’s you driving your happiness. The CD is cool but only the cherry on the fudge sundae that you have created.


  186.  #187Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 6:26 am

    I’m going to make coffee and do my language lessons now. I’m trying to build this good habit for the New Year. I’m wondering if 21 days builds a habit; I’ve heard or read that somewhere.

    Love and happy CD to all,


  187.  #188Simply Shannon on December 29, 2010 at 6:43 am

    It feels weird to get exclusive with a man I barely know. And then it feels bad to get exclusive without marriage/serious commitment to man I do know well. I mean, if he knows me and I know him, but he isn’t asking me to marry him, what’s that saying? That he likes me enough for now but not enough for forever? What benefits do *I* get by being a girlfriend?

    Personally I’d rather not wonder. I’d rather have a man step up and claim me as his wife. Even if I call myself a girlfriend, it’s NOT permanent until we make it permanent. It’s all just dating, even if we label ourselves boyfriend/ girlfriend.

    It does feel weird to go against the dating norm but I don’t want to waste my life on relationships that aren’t going anywhere. I want to be married. It feels better to date and get to know lots of people until someone really steps up and *I* feel good about it.

  188.  #189Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 7:03 am

    Today is a new day…I feel content…though pushing myself to go to wk …

    This song resonates to me …Cold as You …

    Thank u Jilly for following my story…

    Warm hugs,

  189.  #190Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 7:32 am

    I want to work on my boundaries today…I feel unsure whether I should send him an email…sharing my feelings…I don’t want to explain myself though…

    I want space…I don’t feel gd about making compromises no more…

    I don’t want to receive txts no more…I don’t want to be made wrong for caring for myself…and not being sensitive ab his feelings…(later afternoon, he send again the same message…”very sad”…since i didn’t respond to the 1st…i responded how i felt…”i feel weird reading this…i feel turned off…” he replied “thx for being sensitive”…

    I feel confused though…I feel like things are in the air…

    I will work on my boundaries…and my requirement list…I won’t respond to any messages…unless he requests to meet and discuss…It will happen…I am certain…I want to be prepared…


  190.  #191Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 7:47 am

    Darling Ella,

    His texts strike me as extremely self-centered! You are pregnant, with all the major life change that entails, needing support, of all kinds, and he is…very sad??? Man up, buddy!

    That’s my candid reaction…he’s wimping out.

  191.  #192Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 8:01 am


    Yes, I felt the same way…:( very unattractive…

    I was looking in the mirror and was asking God to free me from the pregnancy …I feel worried about raising the baby…I want to be home with the baby…work part time the least…But in the current situation, it’s impossible…

    Then, all of the sudden…I thought of…why would I not ask God for giving me instead of taking from me??? So I listed what I want to feel good…I want financial means to allow me to work part time and raise my children…I want the Universe to bless me with money…I don’t wish for it…I want it…Hmm…I feel a shift…

    Wow…I feel beautiful this morning…A glowing like beauty…my hair, my face…

    Gosh, it’s snowing this morning 🙂 I want lots of snow…

  192.  #193Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 8:21 am

    Darling Ella,

    That is beautiful! What a beautiful shift and a beautiful thing to ask!

    I know it’s tough, yet I have heard many stories of women who raised children when it wasn’t convenient, who said their child was one of the best things that ever happened to them.

    I wish you the best!

  193.  #194Ella on December 29, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Darling Ella,

    I may have missed some of the story, and of course your feelings are the only important ones here, however I feel curious as to why he is saying he is sad. Do you know? Do you want to know or are you just fed up / totally turned off by him right now?

    I can imagine it might be an emotional time for you right now.

    Hugs. xoxox

  194.  #195Dorothea on December 29, 2010 at 9:09 am

    Darling Ella,
    It’s almost like he didn’t get your text that your PREGNANT. lol. i mean i’m sure he is responding to your text, but since his responses seem so shockingly oddball…
    I would text back… “what? i’m trying to tell you i’m pregnant… did you get the text? sorry.”

    I am taking on a new approach to handling negative feelings and situations. now i try to assume the best intentions in the other person (even if i ‘know’ better) or take the positive angle when I need to have a talk with him. so if he is grumbling right now, you could assume he may have not actually gotten your text about being pregnant and that is why he is calling you insensitive. cuz maybe he was just trying to say he is sad and you got all ‘turned off’ on him lol.

    So I like to give people the benefit of the doubt 1 time when I start to get upset and feel triggered and horrible because of something someone did or said to me. Then if they come back with more attitude or whatever, now i try to say, hey i get that you’re upset but i feel like i’m spiraling out of control here, please be here with me. or something like that. so 1 benefit of the doubt, 1 clear and gentle request. I’m not sure what the next step would be. maybe to just lean back completely if he stays in selfish mode.

  195.  #196Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 9:16 am


    Hey, I really like that! Thanks for sharing!

  196.  #197malaikah on December 29, 2010 at 9:21 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I’d really, really appreciate it if someone could answer my query: How can I personally send Rori a message to ask her for her advice? Do I post here; or is there an address?

    Many thanks and with love xx

  197.  #198Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 9:22 am


    In the past, Rori has directed us to send an email to her assistant at

  198.  #199Daria on December 29, 2010 at 9:32 am

    On the train..
    nice man volunteering to help me.

    Typing on my new phone isfewling frustrating

  199.  #200Dorothea on December 29, 2010 at 9:34 am

    I find in general that the exercise of considering all angles before jumping to conclusions/acting out of triggers slows me down before i freak out and make things worse…even if i’m justified to freak out. it also breaks the habit of assuming the worst in certain people, which can really and truly bring the worst out of those same people.

  200.  #201Turtle Girl on December 29, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Yesterday I had to put down my beloved dog of eleven years. She was really old and had cancer in one of her front legs and she could barely walk. My daughter went with me and it was bittersweet. Last night when I went to to go bed I could not sleep and it hit me. I bawled my eyes out because I will miss this dog so much. I have had many many animals over the years, on once in a while there is one that is so special, so wonderful that you know there is never gonna ever be a replacement. That was this dog. She was the sweetest spirit. May she rest in peace.

    Right now men are last thing on my mind.

    New year’s resolutions are mulling around in my head as to how I am going to improve my life for 2011, men notwithstanding.

  201.  #202Turtle Girl on December 29, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Hey SLV-

    What language are you learning? Just curious.
    Tu habla espanol? :o)


  202.  #203Femininewoman on December 29, 2010 at 9:46 am

  203.  #204Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 9:49 am

    Mornin’ ladies! i’ve really enjoyed catching up on the posts this AM.

    dorothea #200 ~ so TRUE! i try to do and remember this but my triggers are so intense…this last spat i am taking the time to focus on myself and heal myself from some big stuff that has occurred in my life over the last 4 years so i won’t get so triggered…

    about feeling messages, i now know what i feel about having a committed LDR. i’m not sure if this is how to word it correctly but it’s something like:

    now, this may sound stupid to y’all, but he wanted me to commit (and still does PLUS not travel anywhere so he knows where i am at all times, CONTROL). he feels, as a musician, that our music bonds us…don’t laugh, and yes, obviously, he is very insecure with the controlling…i was just too uprooted in my own life to be able respond to what he was asking so i went along with it to keep the peace…which led to a disaster…but when he contacts me again…i need to gently tell him why i can’t have a committed LDR with him.

    “i feel weird about having a committed LDR with someone i have never met in person. i feel unstable. i feel neglected. i feel like i’m grasping around in the dark. i feel sad and lonely”

    something like that…i’m trying to stay with the root feelings without going into blame and anger, which is what i end up doing after i get triggered.

  204.  #205Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 9:53 am


    Right on! The most intelligent man I ever met was a U.S. attorney. He gave me some words of wisdom:

    1. Keep an open mind.
    2. Never be too sure about anything.
    3. Look at any situation from all angles, like looking through different facets at a diamond.

  205.  #206Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Turtle Girl,

    So sorry to hear about your dog. You could have missed the tears, but you would have missed the dance…

    Hugs, Brenda

  206.  #207Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 9:56 am

    Turtle Girl ~ i am so sorry for your loss. animals were on my mind big time last night…my mom and i watched the documentary of the parrots of San Francisco last night and the man who had been homeless for 15 years who befriended them and began individual relationships with each in a flock, and the woman, filmmaker, who made the documentary. he illustrates the unity if all living things it’s really beautiful and i bet you be wonderfully uplifting and healing for you to watch if you can find it. xoxo

  207.  #208Turtle Girl on December 29, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Thank you Brenda for your kind words. You are so right. If we want all the wonder and the joy we have to have the loss. xxoo

    Soul Sista-

    You are talking about the “Birdman of Telegraph Hill”
    I saw that documentary a few years back and OMG I just cried and laughed and thought is was so wonderful. A must see for all who love and appreciate that animals have feelings and souls just like we do. Thank you for reminding me of that film. Maybe my library has it and I can check it out for free. May you have a great day. xxoo

  208.  #209Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 10:12 am

    That is cool about the parrots! I would love to see that! I watched a program on Animal Planet once about the most intelligent animals, in a top ten countdown. Parrots were considered the most intelligent animals! That really surprised me!

  209.  #210Turtle Girl on December 29, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Yeah, birds are really really smart. And the bigger parrots live to be 70-80 years. So if someone gets a Mccaw or something like that, they have to be prepared to have it as a lifetime friend and companion.

  210.  #211Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Darling Ella ~ my heart goes out to you. You are so strong…a baby is a wonderful thing!

    i don’t have any advice but i am wondering how you are feeling about financially supporting this baby and do you have a support network? any family?

    thinking of you today… xoxo soul sista

  211.  #212Turtle Girl on December 29, 2010 at 10:18 am

  212.  #213Turtle Girl on December 29, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Darling Ella-

    Hugs, peace and may you find wisdom and love in this time of change. xxoo

  213.  #214Dorothea on December 29, 2010 at 10:25 am

    hugs to everyone. everything is going to be ok

  214.  #215Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 10:27 am

    @202: Turtle Girl says:
    “Hey SLV-
    What language are you learning? Just curious.
    Tu habla espanol? ) ”

    No, no hablo espanol, poquito, solamente unas palabras. J’apprends le francais.

    Friend of family said I should start with Spanish first for year and then switch to French, but I like French better so doing it for a bit to get me in the multi-language mood… I think… 😯

    I should probably follow his guidelines, he speaks fluent English, Spanish, French, Italian, Portugese, German and learning Chinese. I barely make it through English some days… 😆

    I posted this link earlier, check it out. Lots of other good stuff there, not just languages.

    Video on Demand – “French In Action” 52 lessons

    TG, Sad to hear about your dog. Her spirit passing up might have inspired a canine vibe. It’s such a coincidence, a friend and I just spent an hour or so talking and there was a lot of talk of “dogs we have known” in the conversation; we never talked about dogs before…

    ladyvibeblog at gmail dot com

  215.  #216Ella on December 29, 2010 at 10:30 am

    I feel confused.

    If I were to say to Mr Barman that I will continue CD-ing until I get a marriage offer what would happen?

    If I agree to exclusivity am I selling myself short? Even though it feels ok but a bit nervous in case I am falling into the g.friend trap?

    Mr Barman says he wants to marry me. We both know it is too soon. He says this is an amazing thing as he always said he would never get married!

    This feels like ‘wow!’
    He says he has never felt this way….

    It is funny, he says he is attracted to me and describes all the reasons why… and then he says ‘and there is something else, but I can’t put my finger on it!’.

    Inside I feel giggly and silently in my head I say ‘Siren Magic!’ … te he…. ha ha…

    Naughty lil Siren, powerful, beautiful Siren.

    Am I too scared to say no to exclusivity?

    I feel very uncomfortable examining this.

    Can I be with him and still CD? How?
    Can I give it some time? And then if it does not move towards marriage go bcak to CD-ing…

    What about what I want?

    What feels good?

    I already said I will be exlusive with him, now I feel scared of losing my power

    I believe in what we have – feels good. But I need my power and I want to be a wife.

    Can I CD in a different way like socialising and flirting etc with guys, even though I am with him?

    Me thinks Yes I can… and who knows if someone wants to step up they still can.

    I feel conflicted.

    I feel not strong enough.

    I feel less than compared to stronger Sirens.

    But these are tools… Not rules!

    They are here to serve me, I can use what I need and feel my way forward.

    If I am going to do it I need to chose relationship.

    If things start to feel bad I can change things at any time.

    Am I copping out? That thought makes me feel weak 🙁

    Feels like NV.

    Trust my boundaries.

    I don’t think I will accept a less than situation again. I will choose my happiness.

    But do I trust myself? What is the best way to serve myself here? How can I love myself best?

    I don’t want to abandon little Ella.

    But I feel fear that I am f8cking up the chances for me & Mr Barman if I agree to exclusivity…

    But I would be F-ing them up if I don’t.

    I need to feel that this can work, even if I agree to exclusivity.

    I have so much fear and doubt because of past ‘failures’ with men.

    Mr Barman’s brother just proposed to his g.friend. Weird timing huh!

    I feel in over my head.

    I feel flaily in the dark and don’t know the best way forward…

    Maybe I should write to Rori, but I feel afraid to hear her answer, if she just tells me to CD.

    Urghhh, I feel confused!

    But I feel nice being looked after by him and the time we spend.

    And practicing feeling messages and Rori tools feels amazing.

    I suppose whatever happens and whatever I choose it will be fine, everything is good and everyhthing is safe.

    If I focus on me and me feeling happy and good.

    That is all that matters.

    CD, even if not in the ‘traditional’ way. Do what I want to do…

    But feels like pressure that I am not doing it right!

    Owww, I want to heal this conflict in me!

    And I doubt it will be resolved today… it is left open for now…

    Feel open to Siren input and also scared of answers that are difficult to hear!

  216.  #217Ella on December 29, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Dorothea re 214…

    That is exactly what I needed to hear and feels good / comforting!

    Thank you.

  217.  #218Dorothea on December 29, 2010 at 10:37 am

    “he speaks fluent English, Spanish, French, Italian, Portugese”

    i know all these languages too, and i started with french. the order really isn’t important.

  218.  #219Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 10:47 am

    @197: malaikah says:
    “Hi Sirens,
    I’d really, really appreciate it if someone could answer my query: How can I personally send Rori a message to ask her for her advice? Do I post here; or is there an address?…”

    here’s another way to reach Rori. She included this in last newsletter e-mailed to me. I think this is for answers sent in the newsletters. You can sign up at top of this page, for free newsletters

    “…Love, Rori
    P.S. If you’d like to send me a question or a
    problem you’re having that I can answer in an
    eLetter – or a Success Story! — please email me
    at, or leave
    a comment for me at my blog:

    blog.havetherelationshipyouwant dot com

    I hope this helps.


  219.  #220Ella on December 29, 2010 at 10:50 am

    @ Jilly – “The circular dating thing is about not committing to “one” guy until you get what you want…ie..marriage or committed relationship..whatever that looks like to you”

    This feels good.

    If I am being offered what looks to me like a committed relationship leading to marriage, and it feels like exactly what I want this could be ok for me…

    I could begin to feel some peace around this situation…

  220.  #221Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Good morning everyone! 🙂 well…it’s almost noon and I slept in and I feel a lil guilty about not getting up early and going to my workout!! oh well…I’m going to the 500 class for sure..

    pipeliner started texting me early..the usual good morning text but sweeter and then how he was taking his daughters sledding and then he starts sending me all these pictures of them sledding (which he’s never done before and hardly even talked about them cause he said it made him sad) and then he just called me while they were buying food and using the restroom..(pipeliner is only 30…but he’s way more mature than the 35-40 yr olds I normally date) (I just turned 31)

    anyway he’s being very giving and open…and I’m sure it has to do with my VIBE!

    I went to the dark side (me worrying about EVERYTHING)

    then I cd’d and felt my vibe change and I feel better about me and all of a sudden he’s pursuing again!!!????CRAZY…I love it…te he

    so Ella…I’m right there with you with the whole exclusivity thing…

    I feel fear of becoming exclusive

    and I feel fear of not becoming exclusive

    but for my situation I feel my vibe would not be good most of the time if I was exclusive just due to the long distance thing..

    for you being with him everyday…that is sooo hard..but the whole having your power thing is huge for having a “siren vibe” in my experience anyway

    I know what I would probably do…I would do just what you did…and I’d be wondering the same exact thing…

    I know that doesn’t help you or give you any extra input..sorry 🙁

  221.  #222Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 10:56 am

    @218: Dorothea says:

    “…i know all these languages too, and i started with french. the order really isn’t important…”

    Fabulous Dorothea, fabulous! Could I practice with you so you could correct me a little? I would appreciate that. I’ve gone back to the basics so it might be a while until I have a few sentences. 😀


  222.  #223Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Ella… I agree…honestly if pipeliner man were living close to me and was offering what Barman was offering….I know what I would do…

    I like that you know you have to go with your own feelings…every situation is different..

    If something starts feeling bad…we can always make different choices..

  223.  #224Ella on December 29, 2010 at 10:58 am


    I am feeling uncertain, like I want others to validate my actions / ideas!

    What is this about lil Ella?

    This is about a lack of faith in me, in my ability to make good choices!


    This is about fear of ‘doing it all wrong!’

    Ella, you don’t have to DO – you just have to BE and FEEL! That is all.

    Trust yourself Ella.

    I love you.

    I am a strong Siren, strong powerful Goddess, Strongm powerful Siren magics here…

    Have faith… go woth feeling.

    Ok to have doubts… keep expressing.

    All adventure, explore, expand…

    can always change, transitional.

    Babysteps and seeing how it all feels.

    There is no RIGHT WAY… Fear of getting it wrong is ok…

    There is no ‘wrong’, only feelings.

    Keep working with them.

    Feelings, love and follow heart.

    Boundaries to keep safe…

    It will be ok.

    Anxious lil Ella ok too… fine to have fear… does not mean anything, just a feeling…

    What is the feeling telling me?

    If I don’t know is ok to give time…

    Sometimes just a feeling.

    Time is ok, whatever I choose is ok.

    No need to justify!


    My choices are always good for me,

    And anything can be adjusted.

    Follow feelings, trust boundaries,


  224.  #225Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 11:17 am

    5 minutes of Yogic breathing
    Our respiratory system (breath) is the only system in the human body we can consciously control. Breath is the link between our soul and our physical body. To reduce your level of anxiety find a place that is quieter than your normal environment for just five minutes;

    1. Begin long deep breathing that fills up your belly. Exhale just as fast as each inhalation. Repeat this 5 times.
    2. Close your eyes and slow each exhalation. Prepare yourself for relaxation, as you simply focus on each breath…your belly moving in and out.
    3. Once you have had 5 exhalations longer than your inhalations proceed to step 4;
    4. Think of a moment in which you were very relaxed or happy. It could be a sailboat vacation by the beach or watching your children ride a two wheeler for the very first time.
    5. Close your eyes and visualize that very moment as if you were living it right now. Center your entire focus on that one moment, while you clear your mind from any, and all distractions.
    6. As you continue to relive that joyous moment, bring yourself back to your breath and make each exhalation twice as long as your inhalations.
    7. Once you are ready….open your eyes and thank yourself for all you have done. Call a loved one and let them know how much you appreciate and love them as well.
    8. BRILLIANT!! You have just begin a wonderous cycle that will allow you to carry on with your day and share your good feelings with the World around you!!

  225.  #226Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 11:41 am

    the good news is…

    now that we have had our last argument over “understanding each other”…i am no longer expected to have a long distance relationship ~ whether we “understand” why or not!

    phew…what a relief.

    i can now start using the tools with a clean slate…easier.

  226.  #227Ella on December 29, 2010 at 11:47 am


    Thanks – it does help!

    🙂 xoxox

  227.  #228Ella on December 29, 2010 at 11:53 am


    Re 102 – don’t know if you have resolved this yet however feeling messages about how you are feeling is a good start…

    see how he responds… sometimes guys can turn it around and take away the anxiety.

    But if not you can decide what you do or don’t want and then express that to him…

    Eg: I feel really attracted to you and I don’t feel comfortable spending a whole week together. I don’t want to spend that much time. What do you think?

    Or something along those lines…

    How are you feeling about it now?

  228.  #229Ella on December 29, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Jim re 103

    Wow, it feels amazing to see how Jilly’s feeling message would feel to a man… I had no idea.

    This makes me feel confident / good and trustful or RR tools.

  229.  #230Daria on December 29, 2010 at 12:05 pm


    I dont want to get exclusive w a,man fir fear he will leave. I choose my forever adter… Witj marriage, withour premarriagr excusivity

    I lnow jekk vlaim me. I know I dont jave to prove pr convince and he will vlaim me. I dont eany a eeakrr man.

  230.  #231Ella on December 29, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Jilly re 121

    I took the word ‘easy’ to mean easy to be with, which is a great feeling for a man to have about a woman.

    I think it is like what Rori talks about when she says a man feels ‘safe’ whilst still feeling excited….

  231.  #232Ella on December 29, 2010 at 12:09 pm


    I feel curious,

    Why has your spelling gone so crazy recently?

  232.  #233Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Here is a rich e-letter from Delilah, of The Delilah Show, who plays love songs and dedications:

    Seasons of Love

    “One of the songs you may have heard on my playlist this holiday season asks the question, “How do you measure a year?” In minutes, in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, in laughter, in strife? … However you measure, the year goes by fast. Too fast! My goodness, New Year’s Eve is here again!

    “When I look back on the year, so much has happened. Grandkids were born and older kids married and moved away. I’ve traveled for Point Hope and painted the town of Belleville . I fought the worst case of chicken pox I’ve ever seen on my son. I’ve racked my brain over too many math homework assignments. I’ve cooked countless meals. I celebrated half a century of life! And I’ve managed to slow down and enjoy the evenings with you my loyal listeners. It was quite an eventful five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes!

    “In the song, Seasons Of Love, we are challenged to measure the year in love. Not money, not work days, not hours commuting in the car, not texting minutes… Go back and reflect on the year. There are a few lines of lyric that say it best: “It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends. Let’s celebrate; remember a year in the life of friends. Remember the love; remember the love, seasons of love!”

    “Remember the love you gave and received this past year. Sort through each season: winter, spring, summer and autumn, and count those blessings; pick out your friends and loved ones and celebrate your life!”

    Sirens and Heroes, I count the love I have shared on this blog as a major blessing and joy of 2010!

    Love, Brenda

  233.  #234Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Ella…yes after Jim explained what he meant I felt good about it too 🙂 and I read my feeling message to a friend that I just introduced her to Rori’s stuff and she was like…”ohhhh…I bet he just melted” and I said “really???” but it is cool to hear it from a man’s point of view 🙂

    He is obviously feeling safe today LOL…sharing so much

    and interestingly I’m not one bit concerned today how long he stays with me….

    when I feel like I am the center of his universe..then I have no worries about “us”and what’s going to happen and blah blah blah… but when I feel him pull back and create space (and I do it too) then I go to the DARK side…which means I ANALYZE everything…

    so when I notice my anxiety I want to be able to go INTO those feelings instead of my head so much (I really enjoy reading your riffs by the way…they sound so feminie, and vulnerable…very cool) so I want to be able to do that..

    I woke up in a very good place this morning and I feel love and peace and happiness for everything…I feel in love with the world….yay!

  234.  #235Simply Shannon on December 29, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Ella, I believe in you. I trust you to make the right decisions for yourself. It does feel interesting to me how quickly the fear comes up after going exclusive. Do you see that here? It’s like going from fear that he will not commit straight into fear about the commitment. I believe this is why Rori’s CD tool is so important for me personally. This is what *I* do. As soon as I’m locked in with commitment but not marriage, I immediately feel fear. Am I doing this right? What does this mean? Will I really have what I want? Does he really want forever after? And on and on and on…

    I don’t want to make you wrong. This is all about practice and being honest with a man. These are all the things I would want to say to a man out loud so that he knows honestly where I’m coming from and what being a “girlfriend” means to me.

    Looking through the blog directory and found this…

  235.  #236Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    OK ~ this is hard for me:

    i feel ignored on this blog today.

    i feel lonely, sad and alone in wondering what i should do about how i feel it is all my fault with this break up.

    this is a huge trigger for me because it’s triggering my feelings about the LDR with this guy, that I still love with all my heart, and now we are broken up and he had the last word, ball is in his court.

    nothing i can do except say how i feel and i have to learn how to do that, it’s the only way i am going to be able to have the relationship i want.

    i feel dizzy.

  236.  #237Daria on December 29, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    I have anew phone I feel frustrated with the way the keyboard respobds.
    Notthe same as an iphone or ipod.


    I likr practicung consciousness instead of cincenttatiin… Where was I reading that. Consciousness as relaxes unfocysed… Essily can go back to concenyratewhile voncentrated energy tends totunnel ficusand the mind wikl look for other things to tunel focus don. This is good practice while typing on this phone

  237.  #238Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    both pipeliner and cd#2 have both said they love how I just say how I feel 🙂

    and that it’s so REFRESHING …that feels good to hear 🙂 really resonated with me when you were riffing the other day and saying how you don’t need to prove yourself…hmmmm Now i can’t quite remember what you said I’ll have to go find it and write it down cause I feel like I have to prove myself and maybe be funnier, sexier or whatever but the way you said it made me feel relief and like..ya…I can just be me..just sitting here feeling beautiful, sexy, happy is perfectly enough…

    no provin nothin! 🙂

  238.  #239Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    soul sista…i feel bad you feel ignored 🙁…if did I read that you said you never actually met? I feel curious about this…

  239.  #240Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    LOL…sorry… not “if did I read”…I meant..”did I read…”

  240.  #241Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 12:39 pm

    @231: Ella says:

    “I think it is like what Rori talks about when she says a man feels ‘safe’ whilst still feeling excited…”

    Sounds good. That’s what I want for *me* too: “safe” and “feeling excited!”


  241.  #242Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    Simply Shannon…interesting notice on the fear…I like the way you described it.. all this FEAR makes me think of Rori’s “let go of the outcome”

    as long as we are expressing our TRUTH at ALL times…I don’t feel like we can go wrong

  242.  #243Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    jilly ~ thank you. yes, we started workingon music together a year and a half ago and about 6 months into it i realized we were developing feeling for each other.

    to make a long story short, we talked about it and we realized we had fallen in love. things we great until this January 2010 he planned ot come see me then canceled 4 times in a row. April came around and i ended up getting drunk and “cheating” on him. an exclusive relationship, marriage, kids everything had been agreed upon at that time. he had the usual guy excuses, business, taking care of kids college fund, etc…

    i did not understand feeling messages at that time so was never able to tell him how ignored, un-cherished, unloved i felt. so, i acted out.

    now, many months later he tried to initiate the same LDR with me. i started to get sucked in again unable to tell him how i feel. we got in a fight 3 nights ago after i blamed him for not understanding why had to move around this year. he told me we can’t have a relationship because i travel-move too much, he said this after the fight started.

    so, that’s water under the bridge…all i can do is start learning how to use feeling messages and stand up for myself.

    i feel really sad because we really do love each other.

  243.  #244Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    @236: Soul Sista

    I hope you are feeling well today and enjoying good weather. There is a lot of snow here and I like that.

    I like changing seasons so hope you are enjoying whichever one you have today; each kind of weather is a little different and special. I like to walk around and think, clears my head and inspires me.


  244.  #245Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    thanks SLV…appreciate it…

  245.  #246Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    soul sista…do you mind if I share my feelings/thoughts about this? Because they aren’t very nice…I don’t want to cause you more pain…

  246.  #247Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    i do want to say that now i am ready to use Rori’s tool of writing out all the thoughts and putting it all down in feelings…start to make that transition from head to heart…i think it’s part of the newsletter post i posted yesterday up there…

  247.  #248Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Jilly ~ sure, i mean i can handle it. but, i know i created all this because i need to see how i need to change to have the relationship i want.

    so, my POV at this moment is it is not at all about what he is doing. i need to learn how to recognize and communicate my feelings and not ever agree to a relationship like that again. i’ve got work to do.

  248.  #249Ella on December 29, 2010 at 12:57 pm


    Thanks so much for your post… yes I think that if I can share my fears about being a girlfriend and what it means to me that will help tremendously…

    And I love the Rori post you found… short and sweet, and perfect for me right now…

    I feel like Phew, I have permission… I can relax… it is ok to be a g.friend if it is leading to marriage and is a short step before fiance!!

    That feels like MASSIVE Relief! I feel stress melting away inside and being replaced by positive, Siren feelings.

    I can feel strong, good, positive about things…

    Here is Rori’s post… just wanted to re-post it here:

    Here’s my answer for Baby Blue Eyes – First – the question:

    “Hi Rori, I have a question for you about the ‘Girlfriend Trap.’ I love the concept, but if a man officially asks a lady to be his ‘girlfriend,’ how does one decline – without putting him ‘off’?”

    And here’s my answer:

    Blue Eyes – If he asks you to be his “Girlfriend” – that’s your opoportunity to talk about what that means to him, and what it means to you.

    If you’re very young, in college, and marriage is somewhere far off for you – being a “Girlfriend” is totally the way to go. It’s great practice, you learn a lot, you get and give all kinds of love.

    But if what you want NOW is a real, serious, lifelong relationship and marriage, then you have to ask.

    You say: “Wow – that feels fantastic, and before I can accept, can we talk a bit about what that means?”

    He’ll say something like – “What do you mean?”

    You say: “Well, for me to give up my options and be exclusive with anyone “… (remember – you’re Circular Dating up to the moment he asks you for exclusivity, right?) …”I would only feel comfortable with that if I can feel secure that you’re thinking about me seriously…If you’re interested in marriage down the line, and I can feel comfortable that you know that’s what I’m thinking…”

    Please – rewrite this speech in your OWN Feeling Messages, and use it as a way to get CLOSER to your man. Intimacy means TALKING.

    Perhaps, to him – a “Girlfriend” is for now – or he’s looking at YEARS while he figures out what he wants with you “down the line.”

    And what you want is a man who wants you FOREVER – and “Girlfriend” is a very short-term step before “Fiance.”

    Let me know what you think and FEEL about this…

    Love, Rori

  249.  #250Ella on December 29, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    I feel happy, lighty,

    do a little dancy!

    Wohoo, Siren’s rule…

    And I am still gonna CD… in my own way!

    And I am gonna enjoy this! Its about time to enjoy some stuff.

  250.  #251Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    ok..Soul Sista…this is all said with LOVE…

    if you have never met this man and it’s been a year and a half? you have an IMAGINARY RELATIONSHIP and it sounds PRETTY TOXIC to me

    I’m feeling shaky and nervous even writing this and ANGRY too…not angry at anyone just angry and ick!! For him to cancel 4x??? and for you to feel like you “cheated”??? Soul Sista…really????

    I’m trying to understand…

  251.  #252Ella on December 29, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Soul Sista,

    Sorry to read that you are feeling ignored today.

    I am just going to go back and catch up reading some of the posts….

  252.  #253Ella on December 29, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Jilly & Soul Sista

    Re 251…

    That is exactly how I felt too when I read a couple of posts above…

    SSista hugs.


  253.  #254Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Soul Sista,

    Do I understand correctly that you and he never met? If so, Rori calls that an imaginary relationship.

    I don’t mean to hurt you with that, and I’m sorry you’re hurting.

  254.  #255Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    yay ella!

    I feel happy you feel relief 🙂

    I feel happy today…I’m on the “golden ticket” that’s what the girls I work with and I say when we realize that life just works out whether we stress about it or not.. 🙂

    I’m pretty sure this is the most i’ve ever posted on the blog…lol…I should go run errands..but I dont wanna 😉

  255.  #256Rosalie on December 29, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    @Soul Sista:

    I don’t want you to feel bad. I’m thankful to you for your caring for me the other day. It meant a lot for me. I’m sending my love and hugs.

    I didn’t really understand your story… I’m sorry. So bad there is no search engine on the blog so I could read everything by one person!!! (Private triggerRRR) 🙁

    Is it long distance? How did you work on a music?
    Please add me some more details, I’m clueless on this now.

  256.  #257Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    SSista…what are your boundaries with this man? how long will you let this go on for?

  257.  #258Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Soul Sista,

    Most of my relationships with men have been long distance, so I KNOW the pain is real.

    I just posted this on another thread for someone else, and I am going to re-post it here for you:

    I feel your pain. What helped…and helps…me is to feel my deepest feelings, moment by moment, even the ouchy ones, and to treat myself tenderly, facing the pain, yet comforting the pain with softness and warmth: soft, warm surroundings, people, words, sounds, scents, and thoughts.

    It’s our sensitivity that yields our most cataclysmic feelings! So, even tho it also yields our most crushing feelings, too, I find it healthy to nurture my heart feelings. If my heart tells me I need some time alone in nature to stare into the sky while I simply think and feel, I take that time, housework and responsibilities be damned. If my heart tells me I need to vent by journaling and/or writing my thoughts and feelings on the blog, I journal. If my heart tells me I need to be around people right now, I honor her needs.

    It’s comparable to a broken leg: we pay attention to the pain, because that is our warning signal. We rest the leg, avoid putting pressure on it while it heals; take pain medication to comfort the sharp pain.

    With our heart pain, we can find healthy, healing ways to anesthetize the pain: leisurely baths, reading, naps, a happy movie, petting the cat, energy-releasing workouts (I prefer dancing and swimming – do what feels good!)

    At a time like this, nothing is more important. Broken things need time to heal.

  258.  #259Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Jilly, Brenda ~ yes…i know…and I need to focus on myself…i was ANGRY which is why i f&*cked that other guy…

    the whole situation is friggin’ immature. but, he ASKED me to wait for him. and i agreed. i LET him treat me that way. but, it didn’t feel good and i did not know how to say that and NOT agree to that relationship. this is important for me to know because i live in the boonies with my mother and i’m lonely. there are no suitable men around here. so, when i travel and meet men who are interested in me, i have to be prepared now for how to deal with this because it very well may come up again.

    now, i am ready to be a mature, poised woman and start over.

  259.  #260Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    SSista…I’m feeling very protective of you 🙁 Like a momma bear..I’m feeling very much in my boy energy…

  260.  #261Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    Jilly ~ it’s over. but he will contact me again.

    i feel gross because i groveled after he said we can’t have a relationship. i emailed him back and tried to convince him.

    so, now he thinks he has the power.

    so, that doesn’t matter. what’s done is done.

    but, we are deep in business together. some of the songs we did together are about us being in love. so, i have to deal with this constant reminder.

    i feel there is a chance in the future for us but i have to change and then see how he steps up then. but i won’t lean forward AT ALL. and when he does contact me again i will be right here for support so i don’t get sucked in.

  261.  #262Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    are you guys financially tied together? If this is too much just say…

    and he does not have the power sista 🙂

  262.  #263Rosalie on December 29, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    @Darling Ella:

    You are amazing, please keep on track and don’t fall off the horse!!!

    (For me personally it’s the hardest part… not falling off… took so long I could climb on.. Awwh…)

    It only matters what YOU will do and how YOU feel. Please add more details for us about the current situation and possibilities.

    I don’t know too much of this man& the backgrounds- yet, yes based on these he is very alike my ex toxic man. He never had ANY feeling for anybody else. He is very narcissistic- is it the case here as well? If yes, please be prepared for truly ugly things. He will defend his “privacy” (private mud) and ignire your privacy. Has he tendencies like this? Just guessing…

    His text is really under the limit. There is a saying in my country, I don’t know if it exists in English, if I translate it literally it would sound like this:
    “If you had remained silent, you would have remained wise.”

    I REALLY miss LonePlum’s voice nowadays!!!!!

  263.  #264Rosalie on December 29, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    @ Soul Sista:

    Boonies? Can I ask where you live?

    I’m excited all the time to learn about other cultures and how Sirens are similar and yet different!!!

  264.  #265Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Jilly ~ this is VERY important. YES we are financially tied.

    the thing is he’s not a bad guy…he’s just immature and i agreed to everything. he’s helped my career SO MUCH and helped me and has set some things up for me financially to help me.

    i have no doubt he is deeply in love, at least with the idea of me. i just should not have let things get this far long distance. now he is angry.

  265.  #266Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    rosalie ~ i am not from here… jerome, idaho. it sucks. my step dad died and i moved in with my mom. i love my mom.

  266.  #267Rosalie on December 29, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    @Soul Sista:

    Wow, Idaho! I wish I could travel along the USA! I love the States for places like these!!!
    Hey girl, you couldn’t be from here 😀 😀
    “Here” for me is Eastern Europe. 🙂 I think it could be the moon as well 🙂

  267.  #268Jilly on December 29, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Soul Sista…when I read your posts I feel hopeful
    …you sound like you are in a good space even though you are hurting…and are feeling so many emotions

    as Rori says in her are not aloud to beat yourself up 🙂

    i grew up in Coeur d’ Alene and went to Boise State..I’ve only driven by? through? Gerome though

    ..big big HUGS to you…keep us posted 🙂

  268.  #269Ella on December 29, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Brenda re 179

    Brilliant post! 🙂

  269.  #270Rosalie on December 29, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    @Soul Sista:

    I have watched Jerome’s website and I want to go NOW!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
    What do you do there?

    See? You felt ignored, now we are wearing you down 🙂
    Hope you feel better tho…

  270.  #271Daria on December 29, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I’m feeling good… really enjoying practicing my consciousness instead of concentration tool… i feel glad i read about it, wherever i did… was it a link from here.. Brenda’s?

    i feel unsure and a little scared

    it feels so good to relax the concentration around my eyes, my thinking, my mouth, my throat

  271.  #272Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 2:15 pm


    RE: #263 – The saying I know says:

    “Better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re a fool, than to open your mouth and erase all doubt!”

  272.  #273Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Thank you and thank you for reminding me I’m not allowed to beat myself up. I do have Commitment Blueprint I just don’t want to watch the whole damn thing again! lol xoxo

  273.  #274Daria on December 29, 2010 at 2:33 pm

  274.  #276malaikah on December 29, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    @Brenda and SLV,

    Thankyou so very much! 🙂

  275.  #277Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    Brenda ~ thanks for the link!

    And, miracles never cease…my brother just sent me a friend request on Facebook that said…”I’m done being mad at you. As a matter of fact, I miss you,”


  276.  #278Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    I wanna share something with you ladies about my belief on handling these kinds of messy situations…

    you see, my brother there came back around…for those of you that don’t know the whole story, after a financial legal judgment against me, i lost EVERYTHING material, home, vehicle and driver license then became a raging alcoholic. i started the relationship with music man while i was drunk and he watched from the sidelines as it looked like i may drink myself to death. the Field Center Course helped me stop. the music guy has a lot of fear around wanting to control me because of that.

    as i continue to shift who i am being…everyone around me shifts. and Rori’s tools help me do that along with the Course and insight meditation. tarot helps, too LOL

  277.  #279Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    OK…i’m not feeling ignored anymore…LOL…i’m just in super processing mode now. i sent him an email because we need to work closely together and i needed to clear the air to do that. i FEEL GOOD about it:

    “hi ~ i’d like to leave things on a positive note…we have a lot of important things to take care of and positive energy is needed for our amazing music…because it is amazing and if we’re gonna possibly perform together sometime let’s remove any weirdness right now, please?

    i’d like to apologize for not being able to express i cannot handle a relationship where i will never see you. it’s not fair to the relationship. it breaks the relationship then it puts pressure on us as individuals that we can’t handle and we go backwards. i know i can’t handle it. i can only imagine that we have not seen each other for financial reasons and if we can’t afford to see each other we can’t afford a relationship right now. it doesn’t change the way i feel about you, AT ALL. and i hope life finds a way maybe we can be together that we can grow together and really have a real relationship…i would love that.

    i feel better communicating this to you and i want to be the best music partner to you i can be…because i am an awesome music partner and we will have a lot of fun, if you want. can we do that, pretty please? xoxoxoxoxo”

  278.  #280Luzydel on December 29, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    # 112 Mercedes says:

    “”Mostly just subscribing here but also wanted to say I still struggle a lot with these speeches. When I see them written here they don’t seem all that natural…

    …I don’t know. I guess I can see their value, but…for me, speaking from the heart means not planning it out and really, truly saying what I feel in the moment.””

    That is how I feel about feeling messages, to me they feel patronizing and even funny. I can’t see myself talking to a guy using the phrase “I feel” a million times 🙂 They are good to avoid useless drama and it helps me recognize my emotions without lashing out on the guy. However I also like the practical honest answer. It must be because I am an Aries woman, can’t help it :p

  279.  #281Daria on December 29, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    im feeling so good

    i took good care of me

    i was feeling tired

    so i meditated

    my mind was dreaming

    i felt guilty and overwhelmed because of not doing the tasks i promised myself

    i comforted myself

    i did some Blow it Out and Accept my attachment to it Energy tap

    then i did some nani love!

    then, my womb was achy – ever since i took the dong quai last nite

    and i want my peezy on the new moon next week

    i want to comfort me and not numb or block peezy

    then i went to drink my adrenal tone drink

    and now i feel good!


    in a good mood AND comforted!


  280.  #282Jim on December 29, 2010 at 5:08 pm

    Good evening ladies,

    Now I’m on the right blog,..
    so I’ll say it here now,

    Jimmy’s feeling a bit mischievous this evening!! Who wants to play….?

  281.  #283Daria on December 29, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    and NOW!

    one of the guys i wanted to call me that i missed just called me and invited me to spend the nite tonite… making it easier for me to get to the Park tomorrow morning (he lives closer to it than I )


    AND this cute interesting guy with the same name as me… well male version… Darius…

    is hitting me up!

    yay – and it appears he has a car


    and he’s Haitian

    and speaks it. and cooks. this feels intriguing

  282.  #284Daria on December 29, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    Click on the AUDIO under the video (not the video)

    to do a relaxing, tap along for 2011

  283.  #285Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 5:50 pm

    OMG my heart hurts…it hurts so much i can’t even cry. But I know i did the right thing. he emailed me back…saying that is what we have been doing, staying positive for our music. i know he’s hurting, too, which is why he got so angry with me for traveling again..but, it’s all on the table now. no more playing around pretending we may be able to have a LDR.


  284.  #286marina on December 29, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Hello darlings,

    Feeling a bit weird, so many voices here, so many triggers and wisdom, feeling a bit overwhelmed, where to start?
    I feel it is better so return to Rori’s e-book and work with that and be a bit on the sideline here….

    Spoiler alert
    Burlesque was a bit disappointing, it was more like 2 hours of music clips. still, I loooove the Sireny sexy superfeminine Burlesque moves, def. want to learn those too 🙂

    Listening to and singing along with cool rock chica and superwoman Anouk:

    Beautiful soundtrack by Anouk of the movie ‘The Good Housewife’

    The Dark by Anouk

    hey Jim, I feel I am not in a play mood. I feel a bit offended too, this is not like a dating site to me. I come here for wisdom and support.
    hmmm, actually you contributed to that too with Jilly on being easy (as safe) to a man. it was a nice to hear from a man what that means.

    OK, so I feel that must be my nasty voice.

    still, I don’t feel safe with a guy around who pretends he is the only man, like a rooster amidst chickens.

    that definetely is my nasty voice too.

    well, I also feel a bit weird, because I feel afraid that you will make fun of Rori’s tools before you actually get to understand how they work. and I feel afraid that women who come here will put too much value in your words.

    so,you’ll have to prove to be thrustworthy to me…

    hmmmm, lots of triggers here….

    still, I also feel I’d like you to feel welcome to be here and to share your story and wisdom. and all of this in your own way.

    and I feel curious:

    what is your story? what are you here for?

    the game…is on! 😉

    Ciao, Marina

  285.  #287marina on December 29, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    (((((((Hugs)))))) to you Soul Sista

  286.  #288Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Gosh…I just got a txt from him..”Are u ready to answer questions???” I replied “yes”…and then i felt hot and shaky…I feel threatened…:( I feel scared…

    I thought about how I felt and sent him a txt saying:”I feel threatened by u last message. i am not on trial. I want a heart to heart conversation…what do u think?”…I am now waiting…

    I don’t want him to intimidate me, blame me…what’s he gonna ask? how did it happen???? oh, dhaa….:(

    I want to stand my ground…I want it all over with…:(

  287.  #289Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Hugs Soul Sista 🙁 U head is hurting because u are still in the thinking mode…stop thinking of him…Switch…Imagine u mind is like an alarm clock…turned it off…

    Breath fully down to u tummy…touch the 1st object around u…feel it…how does it feel? what makes u think of?? what place would u want to be right now to feel good????

    Go for it…It really works…Touch objects…feel them…and use u imagination that feels good to u…

    Warm hugs,

  288.  #290Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    OMG…He just responded…”I guess this says it all…” I feel awful…I feel tempted to ask…what are u talking about??? i feel angry…i feel accused…does he think i wanted to be pregnant?

    Oh no…he gets me back into thinking ab him…hmm…control…i feel a need to control the situation…bUT no, I now know better…I need to shift from thinking to feeling…
    I want to feel safe…
    I don’t like being accused…
    I don’t like being threatened

    I don’t know what to respond…should i?

    My 1st instict is to say…”F*uck u!” (but then he controls me…it will give him a reason to attack, blame.)

    2nd…”Okay”…hmm…it will piss him off…maybe blame…and whining…

    3rd ” What are u saying?…again doesn’t feel good asking..,.

    4th…say “Nothing”…this feels good…shift my energy

    Any suggestions?

  289.  #291Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    marina ~ thank you

    darling ella ~ thank you as well…and as you will actually HAVE to talk to this guy again nothing feels good for now…no need to engage with such an infantile statement when you ARE PREGNANT. what a jerk.

    i see now what my guy has been ding the past couple months ~ he’s been trying to have a CASUAL imaginary relationship…blocking me on FB but keeping up the “i love you…i can’t wait to have sex with you…” crap…the benefits of the comfort of having someone there and to talk sexual to…and then even to ask me to MEET HIM and STAY with him in Miami…but fly myself there…when he knows full well i am broke! what a child. f*ck him. thank god i’ve never slept with him.

    we deserve better than dealing with children, darling ella.

    i can get a lot better than that!

  290.  #292Daria on December 29, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    i just talked to a CUTE Turkish guy in NY!

    he had just had a nose job


    i felt SOO self conscious

  291.  #293Daria on December 29, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    “Emotional Intelligence Peaks for Seniors
    BERKELEY — Older people have a hard time keeping a lid on their feelings, especially when viewing heartbreaking or disgusting scenes in movies and reality shows, psychologists have found.
    But they’re better than their younger counterparts at seeing the positive side of a stressful situation and empathizing with the less fortunate, according to research from the University of California, Berkeley.
    A team of researchers led by UC Berkeley psychologist Robert Levenson is tracking how our emotional strategies and responses change as we age. Their findings – published over the past year in peer-review journals – support the theory that emotional intelligence and cognitive skills can actually sharpen as we enter our 60s, giving older people an advantage in the workplace and in personal relationships.
    “Increasingly, it appears that the meaning of late life centers on social relationships and caring for and being cared for by others,” Levenson said. “Evolution seems to have tuned our nervous systems in ways that are optimal for these kinds of interpersonal and compassionate activities as we age.”
    In the first study, researchers looked at how 144 healthy adults in their 20s, 40s and 60s reacted to neutral, sad and disgusting film clips. In particular, they examined how participants used techniques known as “detached appraisal,” “positive reappraisal” and “behavior suppression.” Heading up that study was Michelle Shiota, now an assistant professor of psychology at Arizona State University. The findings were published in the journal, Psychology and Aging.
    The researchers monitored the blood pressure, heart rates, perspiration and breathing patterns of participants as they watched a scene from the movie “21 Grams,” in which a mother learns her daughters have died in a car accident; and from “The Champ,” in which a boy watches his mentor die after a boxing match. They also watched repugnant scenes from “Fear Factor.”
    For detached appraisal, participants were asked to adopt an objective, unemotional attitude. For positive reappraisal, they were told to focus on the positive aspects of what they were seeing. And for behavior suppression, they were instructed not to show any emotion.
    Older people, it turned out, were the best at reinterpreting negative scenes in positive ways using positive reappraisal, a coping mechanism that draws heavily on life experience and lessons learned.
    By contrast, the study’s younger and middle-aged participants were better at using “detached appraisal” to tune out and divert attention away from the unpleasant films. This approach draws heavily on the prefrontal brain’s “executive function,” a mechanism responsible for memory, planning and impulse control and that diminishes as we age.
    Meanwhile, all three age groups were equally skilled at using behavior suppression to clamp down on their emotional responses. “Earlier research has shown that behavior suppression is not a very healthy way to control emotions,” Levenson said.
    The study concludes that, “older adults may be better served by staying socially engaged and using positive reappraisal to deal with stressful challenging situations rather than disconnecting from situations that offer opportunities to enhance quality of life.”
    In another study, published in the July issue of the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, researchers used similar methods to test how our sensitivity to sadness changes as we age.
    In that experiment, 222 healthy adults in their 20s, 40s and 60s were wired with physiological sensors and instructed to view the same film clips from “21 Grams” and “The Champ.” The older cohort showed more sadness in reaction to emotionally charged scenes, compared to their younger counterparts.
    “In late life, individuals often adopt different perspectives and goals that focus more on close interpersonal relationships,” said UC Berkeley psychologist Benjamin Seider, lead author of the study. “By doing so, they become increasingly sensitized to sadness because the shared experience of sadness leads to greater intimacy in interpersonal relationships.”
    Contrary to popular belief, heightened sensitivity to sadness does not indicate a higher risk for depression in the context of Seider’s study, but is actually a healthy sign, Levenson pointed out.
    “Sadness can be a particularly meaningful and helpful emotion in late life, as we are inevitably confronted with and need to deal with the losses we experience in our own life and with the need to give comfort to others,” Levenson said.”

  292.  #294Ella on December 29, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Darling Ella,

    This is a time to stand up to him, in the way Rori teaches.

    I think there was an e-mail recently about expressing anger and negative emotions…

    You could try pure honesty…

    Something like “it feels weird / bad to get that text. I feel confused. I feel so overwhelmed and vulnerable right now. I feel scared and I want to be reassured / supported.”

    Or something like that…

    Whatever it is you actually feel.

    I just think the focus needs to be brought back to your feelinsg every time.

    Ignore anything else…

    What do you think?

  293.  #295Ella on December 29, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I feel tired and my sleeping patterns are all out.

    As are my working patterns, eating habits and EVERYTHING basically.

    I feel out of sinc…

    Want to work / go to gym tomorrow. Will not get up till late now as will need sleep.

    And then people coming tomorrow evening.

    Hmmm, sometimes the holidays go on too long…

    Hmmm, I could enjoy them while they last… will be back to normal soon enough.

    I just want to feel healthy again.

    Feel like my life is spinning out of my control right now.

    However it is a transition period… just go with it!

  294.  #296Carolina on December 29, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    This post is so amazing! I’ve been practicing that for a while, however many times i don’t get a positiva response from my boyfriend, he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and i feel the same way, but everytime i talk to him about my feelings he gets upset and i always end up thinking its my fault and even more upset. I use the feeling messages but i just cant get him to be more loving. Im only 20 and this is my first serious relationship, so i’m afraid to lose what we have mostly because for some resano i’m invisible to other men, he’s the only one who noticed me and that makes me feel amazing. Id appreciate your comments you all lovely ladies 🙂 xoxo

  295.  #297Ella on December 29, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    Night Sirens. xoxox

  296.  #298Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 7:15 pm


    I like u responses…They would definitely work in normal situations…my situation unfortunately doesn’t have me deal with a grown up…mature person…but rather a child like immature…me, me…narcissistic man :(…

    While he is not violent, he likes to debate…and wants to win arguments…fighting back like him…got me in trouble each time…with them…it’s like dealing with kids…re – parenting…I diagnosed him within 6 months of knowing him…yet, since I also suffer from feelings of abandonment and being accepted…I related to him…and really wanted to understand him…I got sucked in…big time…:(

    I am currently trying to clean up a toxic relationship…

    Thank u …I need feedback and support …

  297.  #299Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    Here is what I wrote to send to him…Txting doesn’t work for me…He continued to be blaming…as if I had an agenda…I was good at it…So, I want to say once and for all…

    U ignore the fact I called u back on Sat…
    U ignore the fact I listened to u sweet talking the woman next to u…
    U ignore the fact u lied when u said there are no women on the trip…yet u had one next to u the whole time
    U asked in the past to allow u to save face…
    I did…I did not confront u…Instead, I chose to stay silent…

    U first message to me that afternoon felt negative…blaming; and continued again…u didn’t even had the balls to call me…It made me think, U knew I knew…

    U messages felt like an obligation to be with me…not love/pleasure…I don’t want to feel that way with nobody

    I resent the fact I canceled my Christmas dinner with my friends…so that I can be respectful of u feelings (no male friends in my home)…and then again…another holiday spent alone

    I resent I put up with abusive blaming messages day after day…and horrible treatment from you for over 20 months

    I don’t like when a man doesn’t not “man up”…I feel turned off
    I didn’t get pregnant alone
    I am the least person that should be pregnant at this time in my life
    I don’t like being blamed, accused, interrogated …
    I feel hurt, vulnerable, confused, scared…
    I don’t want drama in my life
    I find peace in my decision to raise this child alone…just as I raised J
    I want to be left alone…I am ok with never having any interaction with you…Actually, I want no interaction…


  298.  #300Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    darling ella ~ have you seen rori’s Toxic Men program? i have not i am just curious.

    i emailed my guy back after and started telling him i loved him again! but i did not try to convince him of anything other than i told him i felt sad that he got angry about my traveling “because i love him so much.”


    anyway, i have no reason to email him back.

  299.  #301Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    tomorrow i start NC. i don’t even want to contact him, i’m just saying, if i get the urge for some incomprehensible reason, I VOW TO POST HERE FIRST TO GET MY HEAD SCREWED BACK ON STRAIGHT.

  300.  #302Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 7:26 pm

    Soul Sista:

    Gosh, I didn’t buy that one…I have the Modern Siren and Commitment Blueprint…Not in my budget at this time 🙁

    I read though a lot about emotional unavailability and also how to deal with Narcissistic people…I am full of knowledge…but gosh, so tired…like information overload…:(

    Gosh, what a night…so many of us not doing well…

  301.  #303Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Actually, I want to rectify my prior comment about us “not doing well”…we are actually doing so much better…like in the therapy…the benefits of it…begin to show up a few months into it…I have started Rori’s program in late October…

    I feel like healing from leprosy…the old skin is pealing off and new skin takes over…
    I feel power…I feel strong…

    I get people mad during my transformation (he just txt me about “reinventing myself”)…cause I no longer fall for drama…
    I now say “I don’t like…I don’t want…I feel…” Hmm…This sure is pissing people off who are used to talking advantage of u…

  302.  #304Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 7:46 pm

    darling ella ~ that’s awesome, your progress…and same for me. a year ago i was getting plastered and agreeing to committing to a guy i never see!

    you’ve come a long way, baby LOL!

  303.  #305Daria on December 29, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    i worked out… AND i felt really good doing it!

    I did the wendi friesen see myself doing it perfectly

    i had Shango a spirit call me and encourage me when it was time to start – this is how i want to do it now so that i don’t have to second guess myself about When… i’ll know when spirit calls me…

    i am calling it SEX

    i just had my SEX! yes yes !

    and oooh i feel great

  304.  #306Daria on December 29, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    Darling Ella – i feel concerned…

    i know you’re upset… can you add that on to Ella’s message for you to send? it was great and that’s what is honest

    thinking your man sux… is not gonna fix him

    treating him with respect and yet with honesty and vulnerability… allows the space for even a previously toxic man to step up

    simply repeat respect and vulnerability (replacing blame and diagnosing with NEW MOMENT fresh slate)

  305.  #307Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 7:59 pm


    I feel happy u read it and gave me feedback…Thank u…

    Are u saying to include the statement “I know u are upset”…? How does the rest sound? I haven’t send it yet.

    Warm hugs,

  306.  #308Daria on December 29, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    i mean adding on “i feel upset and so angry”

    blaming him and pointing out everything he did wrong is just as toxic as he is… it just keeps you in the loop of it


    i really don’t want to see this… it feels bad…

    i feel sad

    i would love to see you write something like this:

    “This communication feels so bad 🙁 . I feel so overwhelmed angry and vulnerable right now. I feel scared and I want to be reassured / supported.”

  307.  #309Daria on December 29, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    or even just

    I feel really angry and upset. I don’t want to be treated this way. What do you think?

  308.  #310Brenda on December 29, 2010 at 8:07 pm


    See how you are?? Tryin to two-time me? And no one would bite! Except me…I’ll play! 😆

  309.  #311Daria on December 29, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    it sounds like he is ANGRY AT YOU and Rori says that is GOOD you want to be able to hear his anger, but not tolerate being attacked…

    so maybe:

    “wow this feels bad! i want to hear you and …i don’t want to feel dismissed and unimportant… are you angry at me?”

  310.  #312Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    Thx Daria:

    Here is revised version…what do u think?

    This communication feels so bad
    I feel so overwhelmed angry and vulnerable right now.
    I called u back on Sat at 12:45…
    I listened to u sweet talking the woman next to u…yes, u did not succeed hanging up…
    I felt lied to when u said there are no women on the trip…yet u had one next to u.
    I felt betrayed
    U asked in the past to allow u to save face…
    I did…I did not confront u…Instead, I chose to stay silent…
    U first comment to me felt negative…blaming; and continued again…
    I feel angry when you act as seeing me being an obligation instead of someone u love (u txts on Sat made feel this way)…I don’t want to feel that way with nobody
    I feel angry and turned off being accused of ignoring u
    I feel angry being expected to answer u calls or txt right the way…

    I resent the fact I canceled my Christmas dinner with my friends…so that I can be respectful of u feelings (no male friends in my home)…and then again…another holiday spent alone

    I didn’t get pregnant alone
    I am the least person that should be pregnant at this time in my life
    I don’t like being blamed, accused, interrogated …
    I feel hurt, vulnerable, confused, scared…
    I feel angry when having a child with me is not a happy moment for you…yet screwing me feels the best moment ever
    I feel awful and angry continuing a dialogue with no conclusion ever
    I find peace in my decision to raise this child alone…just as I raised James

  311.  #313Daria on December 29, 2010 at 8:09 pm

    hey itd be fun to get some cyber sexin goin on on the blog… that would be triggerific!

  312.  #314Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 8:14 pm


    Or even just…” I feel scared and I want to be reassured.”

    Maybe telephone rather than txt? Hearing tone of voice helps communication. Sometimes written messages are easily misinterpreted especially when the messages are short and stand alone.

    All the best to you. I’m on your side.


  313.  #315Daria on December 29, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    Ella – drop the “facts” about what happened… they SEEM important – they are NOT

    only the VIBE and FEELINGS matter

    the vibe and the feelings of your message feel AWFUL (read it and you know so)

    they basically say: “I feel angry”

    so use that

    don’t go for the : “I blame you. I’m good and a suffering victim and you’re a bad evil abuser.” pattern. It’s not going to build relationship. It’s not even true. If he’s toxic in the relationship…. so are you.


    take this speech and turn it into a few sentences of feeling messages and dont wants… i’ll pull out the ones that are in there:

    “I felt betrayed when I heard a woman next to you when I was on the phone line.

    I feel vulnerable, confused, scared with this pregnacy. I feel awful and angry the way our communication about it has gone so far… and I don’t want to feel this way with you… I want to feel protected and safe… what do you think?”

  314.  #316Senior Lady Vibe on December 29, 2010 at 8:19 pm


    It’s not Daria…it’s me…but IMHO maybe think about writing something shorter or saying one feeling or want at a time, pause and give guy chance to ponder and respond.

    I do believe i’ve read Rori outlining this way of communication when there is emotionally charged situation.

    As always,

  315.  #317Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 8:23 pm

    Daria…thank u…ok…I will revise it.

    SLV: So generous and kind of you to give me feedback and show concern…Greatly appreciate it …

    Warm hugs,

  316.  #318Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 8:51 pm


    I feel very confused…The other day we talked ab it…and u told me to stay away from him…yet, this messages implies I want to work it out with him…

    I feel like I am giving in…like compromising…that’s how I feel…I am not saying I am not also “toxic” myself…I want to get out of the cycle…and the message applies to a normal relationship…

    He is literally suggesting I trapped him into getting pregnant…Thats what he wants to talk ab it…He has no interest in my feelings at this point…he is pissed…

    I am pissed too…

    Sometimes it is better to pull off the bandage rather than taking u time to remove it…At least for me, the pain feels easier to support if I just pulled it off…

    I don’t know…I feel confused…:(

  317.  #319Daria on December 29, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    Darling Ella – i feel confused what you mean about the bandage… what is the metaphor about in this particular situation?

    you Do want a relationship – a good one

    who knows who it will be with?

    the only answers are feeling messages and don’t wants…

    or… No answer at all


    answering him blamingly or abusively will NOT take off any bandage. it will simply keep you stuck in the pattern… your feelings will then Ricochet back to feeling guilty, missing him, feeling desperate…

    it will end nothing…

    if you truly don’t want to hear from him, then Don’t Respond… (you will hear from him anyway).


    i woudl say i feel furious and humiliated to be accused of trying to trap someone… i feel so angry and I don’t want to be treated this way

  318.  #320Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 9:08 pm

    darling ella ~ i’m following this and i feel confused, too. i feel confused about what you should say to this man…

    then i started feeling confused about what I SAID to the man i’ve been dealing with.

    i’m glad i did keep it simple. i did stay on point, and the ONE point that mattered.

    it sounds like you are pissed that you got pregnant BY HIM…if it would have been someone you were in a healthy relationship that would be different.

    if that is true, it would be something like, “i am angry about being in this situation and i don’t want to be accused of trying to trap you.”

    you said earlier you don’t want anything from him, is that true?

  319.  #321Soul Sista on December 29, 2010 at 9:11 pm

    ladies ~ i like daria’s last suggestion a lot better…more simple…remember, not to have a “talk” with the man.

    blessings to you ~ i am going to bed 🙂 xoxo

  320.  #322Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Daria: the bandage…is keep contact with him…communicating with him…trying to make it work…removing the bandage is having a full communication stop…

    Yes, i like u suggestion…it feels better…

    It’s interesting Soul Sista came up with similar statement…We all agree…than this is it for tonite…

    Thank u both…

    Warm hugs

  321.  #323Rosa on December 29, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    DE , I am in agreement with Daria,

    Although we are very hurt by specific instances that happen , the trick is to NOT recount a list of these as it immediately puts him in defense position and the next move is counterattack!!!

    So we have to actually be clear about our agenda, ie do we want to attack and alienate him completely , or do we want to communicate? We cant do both at the same time.

    I feel shut off the moment i am accused of something, ESPECIALLY if its true.. !!! I close down and feel angry and bristly if someone lists my faults and defects.

    I believe that simple , short is best .

    Bob Grant says men respond to distance, not to words.

    I would say – (assuming you want to keep him around )

    ” I am feeling awkward about how to best sort things out between us.
    I feel hurt and angry about all that has passed but I also feel hopeful we can build on the good things .
    I feel sorry I have been accusing and defensive with you as that makes it so much harder to talk. I dont want to do this anymore.
    I want to feel free to talk about the future and the baby honestly with you.
    What do you think ? ”

    Note this will possibly trigger you !!!!!!! It removes all blame , credits him with intelligence and ability to change and is all about YOU and what YOU want , no mention of his attitudes or wrong doings.

    If you are done with him because he is truly toxic, then there is no point using this. Its more just

    ” I feel sad , I feel hurt and angry . I feel really BAD.
    You and I together just make me feel bad .I dont want this to happen any more. I will not continue with this bad feeling so I am ending it now.”

    He KNOWS what he is doing that is disrespectful and wrong , and you accusing him line by line just makes him disown that behaviour more , just like kids do 🙂 It feels icky reading all those accusations , and yes it makes me ( a stranger!) feel shut down and like I need to RUN.

    As I write this I fully recognise myself in your actions .. I’ve said and done it all ! I hope i wont be caught up doing the same ever again.

  322.  #324Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 9:37 pm


    Yes, 90% of me wants to stay away completely…

    Right now, I am shutting down all communication with him…unless I receive a positive request from him…I must focus on myself…

    Warm hugs,

  323.  #325Darling Ella on December 29, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Btw…I did not send him the long note…end up just saying the last suggestion from Daria…

    No response since…I like silence tonite…

    I feel like a storm I didn’t like just passed…I back on cruising…

    I feel good and hopeful this process helps many other women…that is why I posted it all…I will gather it all…and maybe Rori can use it as a great example for dealing in toxic situations…

    Just a thought..

  324.  #326Rosalie on December 30, 2010 at 12:03 am

    @Daria & Rosa:
    Excellent help about toxic man, thank you. Your responses to Darling Ella were very helpful for me as well.

    Daria wrote: “treating him with respect and yet with honesty and vulnerability… allows the space for even a previously toxic man to step up”

    I wish I could order Toxic Man programme, or know more about it… I wish somebody had given such a good, clear, thoughtful advice a year ago…!!!

    Now, I wouldn’t be on trial soon. And he hadn’t beaten me to death several times. I don’t know if I can deal with the traumatic memories. Sometimes I feel that I can. Sometimes I feel the opposite.
    I feel that this burden is very heavy.

    I feel sad this morning, because my friends are turning away from me. I don’t understand why.

  325.  #327Darling Ella on December 30, 2010 at 8:40 am


    Big warm hug …:( It was a team effort indeed…I feel very touched that many Sirens worked with me on this process…Something good always comes from a good team effort…

    I see this blog as a team effort…and yet, also an opportunity to stand alone and work through u riffs and emotional experiences…

    Late to work 🙁

    I will email u later today…

  326.  #328Rori Raye on December 30, 2010 at 8:44 am

    Carolina – I hear you say you’re using feeling messages – but I’m not sure that they are…give us an example? You kind of need my ebook with the “4 Rules” to see the difference… Love, Rori

  327.  #329Soul Sista on December 30, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Nice work on dealing with Toxic Men ladies…

    i feel calm today. i feel pretty good. feel relieved i don’t have to figure anything out. i feel excited that i feel like i am transforming into that poised woman that turns her nose up crumbs. and i feel grateful that i have the space to do it now that i choose me feelings over him.

    something like that.

  328.  #330Brenda on December 30, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Hi Carolina!

    Welcome! I really recommend Rori’s “Modern Siren” CD seminar! What really helped me was all her beautiful visualizations. I would sink into feeling powerful with these at the times when I would normally be feeling insecure in my man’s love.

    That positive vibe really comes thru, and it helps keep me from overfunctioning to try to keep my man. He feels most in love with me when I am just emanating positive, beautiful vibes!

  329.  #331Jilly on December 30, 2010 at 11:46 am

    yay! soulsista! I feel happy you are feeling better and putting your feelings first…

    I love hearing those kinds of things 🙂

    I also love it when we feel…Oh…I don’t need to figure this out…LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!

  330.  #332Soul Sista on December 30, 2010 at 11:55 am

    jilly ~ thank you darling 🙂 i am also ready to start real CD now. i had to say “i don’t want a long distance relationship where we never see each other” even tho the relationship was already done, he kept trying to get in there and control me from the other side of the country! “no traveling allowed.”

    i started wondering, like, is this guy retarded or something? it’s been a YEAR we haven’t seen each other and he still trying to tell me his “rules” for a relationship with him? he’s just afraid on intimacy and commitment, his own life is out of control so he tried to control me. oh well.

    but, the important thing is just to focus on me and enjoy some dinner dates now…i’m flirting with some guys online, i seem to be good at it even tho i thought i forgot, just joking back and forth have fun.

  331.  #333Dorthie on December 30, 2010 at 5:44 pm

    I have recently signed on to this blog and am very interested in HEALING and I WANT to subscribe to Rori’s ebook when I have more funds in January…HOWEVER, I am discouraged by the ‘cattyness’ and clickishness of the ‘ladies’ on this blog. Can you please stick to the healing end of things instead of acting like middle school girls? I am here to find out what is wrong with my relationships with men….not to bicker. Please, Ladies, I REALLY need some help!

  332.  #334Brenda on December 31, 2010 at 4:07 am

    Soul Sista,

    You are moving into a more healthy place….

    Happy New Year!

  333.  #335Soul Sista on December 31, 2010 at 8:19 am

    Thank you Brenda!

  334.  #336Rori Raye on December 31, 2010 at 11:36 am

    Dorthie, I encourage everyone to use this blog as a journal – in other words, RIFF. And I want us all to stay away from (except for me, of course) giving advice at all. And that’s hard to “police.” And even to use the “bickering” to find out why that goes on, how it feels, and work your way out of it with Feeling Messages. You have to be where you are to move anywhere else…so – I like to look at whatever’s going on as what’s being healed. Love, Rori

  335.  #337Dorthie on December 31, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Thanks Rori. It’s nice to know that I can feel safe here, as well. I look forward to getting your ebook sometime mid -January. Until then, I will continue to read your archives and links to help me maintain my sanity. I truly appreciate all the wonderful insight and advice from you ladies! I am 50 yrs old and still feel like an idiot school girl. (actually, most of those school girls are probably further advance than I) Peace, Love and Happy New Year to you all! Dorthie

  336.  #338cheryl Walther on January 2, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    I am 54yrs old widower of 2 and half yrs. Met someone younger than me, really liked him, but got hurt. I have done everything wrong because made excuses to myself why this man did not contact me. Its a long story, really would like your advice. Have recently read one of your books and tried feeling messages which did get me a few hugs and kisses for xmas, but nothing more. This man is damaged, has been really hurt by two women, and is into self pity. I guess I believed by loving him I could change him. I was married to a wonderful man for 25yrs who adored me. I dont know why I keep torturing myself with this man who does not care. I have been intimate with him, he never calls only answers my texts and makes excuses about his problems. I want to get over him, have lost confidence in myself and feel I may need counselling. Did not know where to contact you, tried to find your blog. Need your advice please.

  337.  #339Amy on January 3, 2011 at 6:29 am

    Hi Everyone,

    I am new to this, but I just finished reading Rori’s ebook and started on my path to expressing myself more clearly, using my feminine energy and having the relationship I want.

    Background on me: I was with my bf for 5 years and we just decided to break up in May… I moved out and we stopped talking for a while. In August we started talking again (he contacted me) and since then we have been taking things slow, hanging out, working through our past issues, etc. The time spent apart from him made me want to be with him even more; not because I took him for granted, but because he changed back to the person I fell in love with (side note, the reason we broke up was because he was going through alot of personal stress with his job and money and instead of leaning on me, he pushed me away and started drinking alot and not coming home. In turn, I started to resent him and our relationship and distance myself from him. We need to leave for us to both realize how ways I think) and actually became even better. Now, I find myself longing for us to be back together, but he keeps saying that he wants to spend more time together and if things are good he can see us back together. I am not sure what this means (I have asked, but he doesn’t really give me an answer… just that he wants to thinks to be good and that they are good now, he wants them to continue). I have expressed how I feel to him by just speaking from my heart and not using any blame or judgement on his part. I have even told him that I feel the way I do because I do, it has nothing to do with him or what he does or doesn’t do (he always says he wishes he could say somethign to make me feel better). Anyways, last night, we had a conversation and I just told him that I am going to turn a few pages back in the “book” and be on his level in the sense that I look at him a being someone I just met (not someone I have know for almost 6 years) and start over with “just dating him”. I said that I will not be able to go over his house (the house we use to live in together) anymore (or at least not as often) and that we will need to start seeing each other in other places. Also, I ask him if he could do me a favor and not talk about the future until we are actually on the road to the future. He will always say things like, “when we have kids” or “that will be our kids”, next year at Christmas you can get me this, when u come back, etc. I told him this situation is already hard for me and when I hear that my hopes and expectation skyrocket and then I feel disappoint because we aren’t at the point yet.

    I haven’t been CDing, but I have been dating myself and I feel happier than I have in a while. It just is hard because I want to be with this man so much, but I understand that to have a lasting relationship we need to work through things in a slower pace. I am just afraid that I am going to look back 4 months from now and we heartbroken.

    I love reading all your helpful advice, if you could provide any for me that would be amazing.

    Thank you so much,
    Amy xoxo

  338.  #340Rori Raye on January 3, 2011 at 10:19 am

    Amy, Welcome, and you sound like you’re doing wonderfully …keep doing what you’re doing. Love, Rori

  339.  #341Rori Raye on January 3, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Cheryl, Welcome – and if you can – coaching would be wonderful and get you on track in no time. First, tho – get Targeting Mr. Right and Modern Siren – get ALL the programs and really, really practice with them by Circular Dating. I’m here for you – to get a phone appointment email my assistant at And I also refer you to Virginia Feingold Clark at, and Tinque – Love, Rori

  340.  #342Amy on January 3, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Thanks Rori, that means alot! I go back and forth with how I feel about everything. Some moments I feel like I am doing the right thing and the next I am scared to death. However, all I know is that this way it will show me what I have been wanting to know- either he steps up or he doesn’t. It really is just as simple as that… even thought I am TERRIFIED!!

  341.  #343cheryl Walther on January 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Thanks Rori for getting back to me so quickly. My husband died within 8 mths of being diagnosed with cancer. He adored me, was always loving towards me and always made me feel special. Have really missed him over xmas and new year. Before I met this younger man, I thought my life was over. He made me feel young again, the light came on inside of me. I thought I fell in love, even though I loved my husband. I felt with this younger man, that I had found what I had been looking for my whole life. But obviously he did not feel the same, which really hurt, scared I will never feel like that again. Thanks again for getting back to me. Cheryl x

  342.  #344Brenda on January 3, 2011 at 6:55 pm

    Hi Cheryl,

    Welcome! I can really relate. I fell in love with a man 15 years younger. I have found I just initiate too much, acting in masculine energy, and out of neediness and insecurity. I believe that the main thing that helps with younger men and/or more feminine-energy men is to lean back and just let the man initiate, and just respond only if he initiates.

    It’s maddening to me, and so far, I can’t pull it off more than a few weeks at a time. Here is something Daria told me a while back that was really deep, and really helpful:

    “he said, “I am feeling kind of down.”
    Siren: “aww, i feel sad that you feel down. or… awww. i feel like i want to comfort you. or… ohhh… that feels bad… or.. oh.. im sorry you feel down… ”
    Man: thats ok. thanks. so what you been up to ——>
    Siren” i’v been feeling, good, busy, feeling good working and stuff, feeling bored, feeling lonely ”
    Man: oh more arrowness

    Brenda –
    personally, I would try to be feminine in my texts for now… a lot less scarier and more time to find my feelings than a convo…
    then if you get really good at feminine he will bring calling up himself. or you will say:
    i feel tired of texting anymore… im feeling ok to talk to you
    (lol this sounds like YOU were the one not talking to him… and in an energetic way… that IS whats going on… keeping him at adistance)
    “it feels annoying to text a lot…talking is ok”
    anyway, that could happen after a somewhat long text convo where HE was leading and you were only sharing feeling messages…
    again i wuld actually have text convos only to practice this, and because i dont want to FEEL like im leaing forward if i do say that talking thing
    i want to mean, “i dont feel like texting”
    not “i miss talking to you on the phone so much that i would say i dont feel like texting just to hope that you will get the hint to call me without my suggesting it directly”
    this is GREAT FOR ME!!!!!!!
    when i get new online people texing me, i can say…
    hmm… anyway its more of an conceptual energy shift for me…
    you CAN say… i miss talking to you on the phone… it feels so good to be communicating to you and also excruciating… i miss you so much…
    ok thats kinda long
    basically the best thing to say is “i miss talkin to you on the phone”
    SILENCE (this will feel SCARY AS f(CUK)
    then he will say something… which may or may not break your heart or take you to heavenn… or Anything… BE surprised… Dont interrupt… DONT RESPOND…
    dont respond!
    be silent
    check your feelings.
    be silent.
    Then say what you feel.
    you should sound somewhat like Yoda, or a distant prophetic Goddess that is speaking thro the veils of time:
    i feel… magical…
    that kinda feeling. you should feel allof mysterious, veiled, yet open , free, amazing, huge and expansive
    its in the PAUSING.
    the feminine mystery. the silence and the invitation into
    so it may take very different… deep sounding routes…
    and it can also feel playful
    tho to me
    i miss you
    in this case feels more deep
    because it feels painful already

    Brenda – it feels weird to be asked about my feelings… because my guess is you wnat my thoughts right?
    my feelings about what you wrote were: uhoh! fear, panic, feeling misunderstood
    (because im giving to you in efforts to help you and worrying that you’re not “with me” here)
    what i THINK is:
    yes he seems resistant to lean forward moves. (so what?) he cannot resist a FEELING.
    2. he doesn’t want to hurt you mostly cuz he sees u leaning forward, and it turns him off, and you havent stopped it, so he doesnt know what to do to get you to stop it, and he doesnt want you to keep getting hurt when your mascuilne efforts turn him off. Because unlike a man, you have feelings that are feminine, and being rejected is not healthy for a woman’s self esteem because we misinterpret it as about our femininity, rather than seeing that its rejecting only mascuilne moves we’re making, and femininity can never be rejected (because its ntever learning forward… feminine only accepts or rejects whats coming at Her)
    3. he doesnt have this spelled out necessarily, and if he did he might not tell u because it sounds weird, you might feel insulted, he might be judged as calculating and cold , he doesnt think youd understadn, or hes just doing it on natural male instinct and not even thinking about it
    2. and 3. dont even matter because theyre thinking about HIM! notice how long and convoluted!
    ick! i feel sunk!
    thats why
    i said when you say
    i miss you
    you might hear the real deal. he might talk about why he doesnt want to see you. or what he thinks.
    what he THINKS!
    so be open and be surprised
    let him speak
    be entirely silent, even after hes DONE speaking. wait like 5 seconds after hes done to see he’s not clearing his throat.
    dont say what you think.
    chekc what you FEEL . in silence.
    and speak that.
    it should feel very very different and cool to do that … like youre a sexy sex bomb with a deep raspy voice like Marylin Monroe style.
    PS – him texting YOU is progress. let it be that. you dont want to go in a textin relationship, but for now, youve been textin him. so him texting you, is just a start.
    like meeting for the very first time.
    and he just texted you for the first time.
    because until now you were blocking him with masculine energy by initiating.”

    Daria wrote this on the blog to me September 8, 2010, if you want to see the full discussion between us on the blog on that date. And thanks again, Daria. This is so helpful and really breaks it down to a level I can understand.

    Cheryl, I hope this helps.

  343.  #345jensing on January 3, 2011 at 10:58 pm

    Hello Ladies,

    I need a favor. I’m very new to this whole thing and I’m so loving the e-book right now. I need to express something to the guy I’ve been in an LDR with since March. We were going strong until September and then he just all the sudden totally pulled back, big time. We went from talking multiple times a day to talking once or twice a week. I’ve done my best to stop over-functioning and am trying to start CD-ing. We have never been exclusive, so do I need to tell him that I’m seeing other people? I tried to think what I should say, but it makes me soooooo sad to think of saying this to him because I really love him and miss him. Any thoughts ladies? If you think I should say something to him what do I say? Thank you for the support!

  344.  #346Brenda on January 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm


    I am not an authority here, but I am going to take an existing piece written by Rori and tweak it a little…feel free to tweak it some more and simply state what your honest feelings are:

    “Sweetie, somethings bothering me, and I hate to even talk about it, because I feel so good with you…and it’s important to me that we’re just honest with each other and don’t let things get stuffed down…is now a good time to talk?”
    If he says “Yes” – then go with…“We never said we were exclusive, and I feel more distant from you than I did, emotionally speaking. Have your feelings changed at all about this? What exactly do you see for us down the road?”
    Now stop and let him talk.
    Next – “I’m asking because I realize I don’t want to be a girlfriend all the rest of my life – even though being your girlfriend feels so great, I’m concerned that after a while, I’ll start to feel insecure and want to feel more solid…I’m just a girl here, and sooner or later, I’ll want more. What do you think?”
    Let him talk. You can always ask him…“I don’t want to be putting pressure on you…do you want me to date other men so that there’s less pressure as we go along?” — Basically this is the “No Girlfriend” speech – but with a lot more “air” and expressiveness and exploration in it – and allowing him to get involved in the discussion.
    Love, Rori

    Jensing, what do you think?

  345.  #347cheryl Walther on January 4, 2011 at 12:34 am

    Dont really get what you are saying, are you saying to keep texting this man. Well I think I finished it today, dont think he cares. Just let me know if the text I sent is not right. my text to my younger man was, Had to much champayne on New Years I felt hurt u never cared but would like to thank u for the time we spent together it taught me alot about myself. I am a woman who needs to be desired as much as I desire a man. I wont forget u take care xo

  346.  #348Brenda on January 4, 2011 at 3:24 am


    I am in too much pain myself right now to be of much help. I was just sharing some of my own feelings and then sharing something Daria wrote to me that helped me.

  347.  #349Soul Sista on January 4, 2011 at 8:26 am

    mornin’ ladies ~ HI BRENDA! i was thinking about you this morning and hoping you were feeling a bit better today. thanks for the awesome re-post from Daria…i copied it and emailed it to myself.

    for the new ladies…stick with it! Rori’s tools WORK! i am SOOOOOO happy after breaking things off with the guy who i thought was the “man of my dreams.”

    my priorities are straight now…it’s getting back to my feminine self, discovering who i really am as a woman. my #1 priority is LOVE. when that becomes clear all decisions become very easy.

    i’m totally stoked…helping my mom pack today then we are going to Arizona next week and looking for a HOUSE there! i have a date Friday night, for dinner, with a fireman…im looking forward to being a Goddess and enjoying myself.

  348.  #350Brenda on January 4, 2011 at 9:36 am

    Soul Sista Brenda,

    Thank you! I am kinda floundering…I feel your energy and I feel happy for you that things are moving and shifting!

    I lived in Phoenix, AZ for 2.5 years. What part of AZ are you targeting?

    Even tho I’m not where I want to be, I have come so far already through working through Rori’s tools and being on this blog.

  349.  #351Tammie on January 4, 2011 at 11:18 am

    Hi Rori, I’ve been having some rlationship issues with my partner. We’ve been together for 4 years and have 3 kids(he’s only the father of 1). Things have been a bit sour lately. I’ve tried to get him to open up to me but he just ignores me and brushes me off like it’s no big deal. I cry myself to sleep most nights, our sex life is not the greatest, it only happens when he wants it, as long as he gets pleased, he thinks it’s o.k. I’m so confused about where to go with this relationship, I do love him very much but he just keeps pushing me away. Please do you have any suggestions for me.

  350.  #352jensing on January 4, 2011 at 12:08 pm


    Thank you for the advice. I’m gonna try it and see how it works. Everything else I’ve tried before finding Rori’s website hasn’t worked well. Thank you for the encouragement too!

  351.  #353Josie on January 4, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Hey Sirens
    I have a similar tale of woe to jensings except I recently (a month ago) got engaged to my man.
    Almost as soon as the ring was on my finger he began withdrawing.
    I have just spent 3 weeks at his house with him and his kids and he seemed ‘ok’ except from the lack of affection and attention. He just seemed to be going through the motions really. Kinda getting on with being together without actually connecting with me on an emotional level.

    When I arrived home I rang to let him know I’d arrived safely, as he’d asked me to do and he said he’d ring me later. At least I THINK thats what he said. Anyway he didn’t ring later nor has he rung today and it’s killing me.
    I’ve tried to keep busy but he keeps popping into my head and I get wrapped up in the whole did he say he’d ring me or did he say for me to ring him later.

    I want to ring him and have a ‘talk’ with him about what’s going on with him.
    I want to ring him and call him a tw@t for playing games with my head.
    I want to ring him and dump him before he dumps me.
    I want this all to STOP!!!

  352.  #354Soul Sista on January 4, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    hi josie ~ i’m sorry you are going through this…i know the feeling of feeling taken for granted…do you have or can you get Commitment Blueprint? that helped me understand and prepare for what I needed to do…if you can watch it you can come to your own conclusion based on your own situation and get support here 🙂

    hugs ~ soul sista

  353.  #355Josie on January 4, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    thanks for relying Soul Sista, I’m feeling so alone right now and it really helps knowing there is someone out there x
    I only have the ebook right now and can’t afford another yet but am going to get the reconnect one asap.
    Any advice in the meantime would be very much appreciated.
    I feel so sad at the thought of loosing what I thought was my soul mate.
    I have never felt this way about anyone before.

  354.  #356Brenda on January 4, 2011 at 1:50 pm


    I JUST went through this maddening thing with Ryan about him not calling. He called me Thursday, 30-Dec. I was with my Mom, so I let it go to voicemail. I called back about an hour later and got his voicemail. I was dying for him to call me all day Friday, and it was really important to me, because it was New Year’s Eve! But he didn’t. I waited until New Year’s Day. Nothing.

    Finally, it all got the better of me, and I texted him in the middle of the night, leading into Sunday. I gave him a feeling message that didn’t go over very big.

    Today, I spotted a perfect feeling message, written by Daria, and I wish I had used this one:

    “I feel scared to say this…and the truth is…I felt bad not getting a call from you when I was expecting one earlier…What do you think?”

    If I had it to do over again, I would have waited until HE contacted ME to say that. I hope that helps!

    Feel free to join us on the newest thread:

  355.  #357Josie on January 4, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Thanks Brenda, that speech was a big help. My next question is, as we’re engaged would it be considered leaning forward if I were to ring him tomorrow and say
    “I feel sad. I feel disconnected from you and I’m afraid that we’ve drifted apart and I don’t know why”

  356.  #358Rori Raye on January 4, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Tammie – so sorry…start with the ebook – Have The Relationship You Want….if you really understand the concepts, and DO the tools – things will change. Let us know. Love, Rori

  357.  #359cheryl Walther on January 4, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    Sorry for the pain you are going through Brenda. I feel xmas time and New Years are very special and Your man, like my man didnt step up. This tells me they do not deserve us. There is someone out there for both of us. The one thing I always tell my neice is when I met my husband there was no worrying about him calling. When someone really loves you they are there, no matter what.

  358.  #360jensing on January 4, 2011 at 11:00 pm

    Hi Josie,

    I can completely understand your feelings of confusion and hurt. It’s really easy to go to that place of self-protection where you want to break up with him before he breaks up with you. Rori’s book is great and very helpful in exploring what you’re really feeling and what you need to do for you to feel safe and honest. Sending good thoughts and best wishes your way. Keep us updated with your situation!

  359.  #361Josie on January 5, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Thanks jensing. How are things going for you?

    So, day 3 and he still hasn’t made any contact, eventhough he’s been on facebook he didn’t post on anything I’ve written.
    Guessing it’s over.
    He has my dogs, should I ring him and just arrange to collect them or should I actually try and talk with him about what’s going on with him first?
    We are engaged after all!

  360.  #362Soul Sista on January 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    hi ladies! congrats on the no contact 🙂 it’s been almost a week for me…i feel that this may turn into a couple months…but I WILL hear from him because we are in business together.

    i’m going to remain in NC no matter what. if something needs to be addressed between us, he will contact me. i’m feeling great because i already went through breaking NC last time because i felt i had a “good reason.” the issues were still there and i ended up in pain again. i’m ok with it all now and i LOVE NC because i know i don’t want to go down that path again.


  361.  #363jensing on January 5, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Hey Josie,

    Thanks for asking. I don’t even know how it’s going with him because we haven’t talked at all this week, but I’m doing my best to stay focused on me and enjoying my days off by taking care of me (tues and wed are my weekend). I’m also trying to practice circular dating by flirting with a few guys online and via phone. I have to confess that’s been really fun (a little scary because I’ve chosen to stay off the market for a while) and good for my ego that other people are interested and most of them seem like really quality guys. I’m hoping that my “vibe” is changing and that maybe mr. texas will realize that when we talk next, but I’m trying not to have any expectations about that either. Whew, sometimes it takes energy just to be, instead of doing, doing, doing, thinking, thinking, thinking. I wish I had some insight into your situation to share with you, but all I can say is do your best to just be concerned with you and do something to take care yourself because you’re worthy of being cared for. Do you get Rori’s e-mails? She sent one about circular dating the other day that was great. I can post it for you or forward it if you like. As always, sending good thoughts and wishes your way.

  362.  #364jensing on January 5, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    p.s. to Soul Sista,

    I forgot to congratulate you too on the no contact. It seems like it gets progressively easier, but I admire your strength in not finding phony excuses to contact him since you’re in business together. Keep strong!

  363.  #365Josie on January 6, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Yaaay, my fella loves me !!!

    I rang him last night and could feel the distance again so I gently coaxed him into opening up and boy did he.
    We talked for hours, he told me how he was so scared of giving up his home, his security and his sense of independance. How he was afraid of bringing his kids to halfway across the contry to live with me and feeling scared that if things went wrong and he’d be left with nothing.
    He said he felt like a baby bird, sitting on the edge of the nest daring himself to jump, wanting to see whats out there but terrified of falling. He asked me to give him a nudge, I said lets just hold hands and jump together.

  364.  #366marina on January 6, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Hey Josie,

    That sounds great 🙂

    I am curious what did you say or do that ‘coaxed him into being open’?
    I am not really there yet and I’d like to learn.


  365.  #367jensing on January 6, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Yea Josie!
    I’m so happy to hear that all is well with you and your guy. I guess he just needed some time to process. It sounds like ya’ll are back on track. What’s the wedding date? 🙂 Like the last poster I’m curious what you said to get him to open up.
    I’m having a really hard time not calling mr. Texas today even though I have numbers of 5 other guys from the dating website I subscribe to that all wanted to talk to me. Grrr. At least I work tonight, so I’ll be too busy to think about him.

  366.  #368Soul Sista on January 6, 2011 at 10:30 am

    YAY Josie!!! you are shining your light…you are a Goddess…now you two will shine your relationship light together…woo hoo!

  367.  #369Josie on January 6, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Thanks Sirens.
    I kinda just let him talk himself out for a while. He covered all the mundane stuff and I listened. I could feel him playing for time to think of something else to say, anything other than ’emotional’ stuff and I just carried on letting him talk himself out and eventually he mentioned something about us not talking and that was my cue. I simply said “yeah, what happened there?” and I listened as it all came pouring out.

  368.  #370Josie on January 6, 2011 at 10:42 am

    forgot to say, it took about an hour of letting him talk about the mundane stuff before he opened up and said how he was feeling

  369.  #371Carrie on January 13, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    How is it that I do the flirting thing without hurting my fiance? We are getting married this summer coming up and I read your blogs and stuff and one of things it said was dating other men or flirting. I just don’t know how I could do that I am really committed to him and I have a son so I don’t want to be a bad influence on him either but I want to fix our relationship though. I guess what I am trying to say then is how to I fix our relationship without destroying what we already have?

  370.  #372Rori Raye on January 13, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Carrie – read more about Circular Dating here and you’ll understand how it works…Love, Rori

  371.  #373Lola on June 4, 2011 at 11:20 am

    I read your book…Make Him Fall in Love with you. In Capter 13 you talk about anger…my man is all about judgement and criticism. You describe him to the “T”. Im not sure how to overcome the yelling and the anger even if I can graspthe concept that its not about me. How to I make a change? How do I correct the behavior?