Don’t Let a Man Who’s Useless to You Capture Your Life – I Don’t Care How Great He Is

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Need to post this quick…comment from Shel who’s throwing her life away on a man who’s useless to her…

“Hi Rori. I have been in a “situation” with a man for 3 and a half years. I say situation because it’s not a committed relationship by his request. Toward the beginning we dated and were exclusive- talked about moving closer to one another (we live about 90 miles apart) and even marriage. But then we broke up because he said he asked God if I was “the one” for him and he feels he didn’t get a yes answer.

He said it was nothing I did wrong but he didn’t want to continue if it wasn’t going to lead to marriage. Also, he’s 7 years younger than me and feels we might not be able to have as many children as he’d like (I’m 36). He’s also still trying to get himself established financially, although he has a good job and has bought a house in the last year. I know his place in life is part of this though. Despite the break up, we have continued to see each other for 3 years and have even grown closer. He drives down to visit 2-3 weekends a month. We take trips together and talk every day.

We’ve been through quite a lot and but very few major problems between us. We almost never argue and when we do, we forgive and move on. But still he’s not interested in a committed relationship. I may have dated 1 other person but I don’t really see anyone but him because my heart is with him.

I know he sees other women though. I know now that I have done many things (perhaps everything) wrong in this situation. I see that when I back away from him he moves closer and it’s a dance that I can’t seem to master. He says he loves me but he’s not “in love” right now. I know he cares and he’s a good person but I want more. Is this “situation” salvageable or even worth saving? Shel”

Here’s my answer:

Shel, I welcome you here, and…this is going to be tough. Don’t read further if you don’t want to hear it straight from me (I could be wrong, always…but this is straight from me…), and if you read it, I hope you’ll stick around after this…but…


You are selling yourself down the river, wrecking your life, wasting your time, energy and heart, abusing yourself – and trying to make some kind of reasonable excuse for it – of which there is NONE!!!

There is no sane reason for you to be doing what you are doing.

I don’t care HOW great this man is – to quote Evan Marc Katz from a recent post – he SUCKS!! He sucks because he’s absolutely USELESS to YOU.

I don’t care how “great” you think he is – if he doesn’t love you in the way you desire to be loved, and he isn’t interested in commitment with you – then I absolutely will not allow you to bet your life on this man. It’s a losing bet.

You absolutely must start Circular Dating and drop this man like a hot potato.

If he tries to corral you into seeing  him again (men usually do – I mean they don’t want to lose a loyal, wonderful woman who’s happy to crawl along the floor at their feet…), and if you want to date him, too, along with all the other men, that’s fine – but you can’t “fudge” the other men – you REALLY have to date them and allow them into you r life and your heart and PRACTICE all the Tools of mine you have to get home to who YOU are – and if you can’t do that and date him, too – then you MUST drop him!!!

We’ll all help you with this. I know this is tough love – but it is love…I and we CARE about you!! And we want YOU to care about you.

This is your opportunity – your lovely, diamond-studded opportunity to get your self-love, self-respect, and self-esteem back from wherever it disappeared long ago – it BELONGS TO YOU!

This is your chance to finally give a chance to some deserving man who WANTS to love you – forever and ever.  And, as hard as it is to believe this (I know it’s true – I talk to professional matchmakers all the time) – there are PLENTY of those men out there.  Men who are looking for you so they can love you.

This is your chance to let those men IN. Open your heart, breathe out the thought that this one man is your “only” and make friends with your Horse – the wonderful creature of your own life force that is going to champion you and carry you safely through exciting, turbulent , mysterious, confusing, gorgeous and amazing experiences as you get your Happy Ever After.

I’m  holding your tiara for you  – take it.  Put it on your head. You’re going to need it, because you’re the Queen of your own life, your own hero, and because I have faith in you.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1mary on March 30, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    Hello Shel,

    I’ve been in a painful situation recently too. My man came back to me because he saw me with another man, and this time around I gave him the no-girlfriend speech. Basically it’s “I feel such and such… and I DON’T WANT such and such… (to put strain on our relationship, or whatever), so I’m going to keep my options open… What do you think?”

    The problem with my situation was that I couldn’t circular date because I was studying for a big test. The reward for passing was going to be dating! And he came back too soon… So I dated the world, as Rori would say, and wasn’t available all the time, and I insisted on still seeing the other guy too.

    And that drove him and the other guy crazy, because it pitted them against each other. (Rori cautions against this, but I had no third guy around…)

    Anyway, this last time around, we went back and forth, and each of us went on trips, and I insisted that we were both free, etc., and he didn’t like it and started to withdraw… he wouldn’t kiss me or be affectionate at all, so… I wrote him an email and told him it wasn’t working for me at that time. And we talked about it in person, on the phone, and in emails, and he wanted to continue to be friends, and emailing with business advice, so I wrote him this email:

    “Hello R,

    I appreciate your offers to help me with my business challenges. It seems easy for you, and you often make very good decisions. I’m always happy to have your perspective because you know how to get around in the world.

    It’s difficult to know how to proceed from here. I’ve been thinking about it and trying to decide what I want. While I’d love to have your help, it feels sterile to me after experiencing the excitement of your surprises and the passion of your kisses. I don’t like that sterile feeling. I don’t want to continue with strictly business matters, as it was only a side benefit of being with you, and not the main attraction.

    It looks as if we’re both interested in meeting new people and having a variety of dating experiences. I have no problem including you in that scenario, if there is romance and affection. What I don’t want is for us to have rich relationships with other people, and then get together to do business things, or just to say hello because we miss each other. That leaves me cold and I don’t want to participate in that any more.

    What do you think?”

    He didn’t email back.

    Instead he called, and that was the last time I talked with him.

    I miss him terribly! Awfully! Horribly! I can hardly stand it!

    But I’m sticking with my guns.

    I put a profile on Plenty of Fish. I joined Four Plus Four. And It’s Just Lunch. And my first date is on Friday…

    So we’ll see how it goes.

    I’m right in there with you. It isn’t easy. But he made the choice. When he called he said he didn’t want to be one of the guys… that wasn’t working for him. And committing wasn’t working either. And he kept saying over and over… “we’re not a match,” “we’re not a match,” “we’re not a match…”

    So hurtful.

    Well, okay. I know there are other guys out there! So I’m just putting one foot in front of the other and trusting that good things will happen, down the road… and the sooner I go down the road, the better…

  2.  #2Kacy on March 30, 2010 at 10:52 pm

    Hi Rori, I have a question that I believe is quite pertinent for the times we’re dealing with. I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. After some ups and downs he has recently been talking more seriously about marriage. How much do I share with him about the current ecomonic slowdown of my Faux Finishing business and my concerns about possibly losing my house in the next few months if my business doesn’t pick up? I have had an extremely successful business the past 8 years (booked up solid for 5 to 7 months until this recent economic crisis). I am dealing with a great deal of stress in regards to this deep slowdown in my business the past 2 months, am living off of my savings (thank goodness I managed to have savings) and am worried that I may lose my house in the next few months if business doesn’t pick up. I don’t want to give the impression to my boyfriend that I expect any help from him or am hinting at that, but obviously the stress is affecting me and will likely get worse. I don’t want to pretend that I’m not stressed about it when I am, but don’t know how to share this with him w/o saying or showing too much. He is quite wealthy, and I guess to be honest, I don’t know if it’s wrong for me to hope that he might give me a helping hand since if we do marry my home would become his as well. Or is the fact that I would even entertain that hope unhealthy, and showing a Cinderella Syndrome about myself. I am a very hard working woman and have managed to keep my business afloat throughout most of this economic crisis while many in my business have gone under. I want to remain independant and handle my own problems, but admittedly, I am scared. How do I handle this with him, how much of my stress and details do I share and what is the healthiest perspective for me to have in regards to his involvement or not?

  3.  #3Siena on March 31, 2010 at 9:42 am

    ohhh, ewww, this was me a few years ago. Reading it brings up the old feelings of how awful it feels to be in Shel’s position. ESPECIALLY when the “God card” is played. It was played in my case, too, and it really messed me up, because I thought, “well God seems to be telling ME that this thing could work!” Couple that with low self esteem, and it’s a formula for a really really bad self image (“not even GOD loves me enough to tell it to me straight!”) Oh, man, was I wrong!!

    I think I’ve been dealing with the fallout from that situation still three years later, and that all of the circumstances have brought me to this place – here and now – to finally heal THOSE feelings that built and built during that time.

    I want to offer hugs and love to Shel, and let her know that she’s not alone, and that getting out of the situation is the BEST thing you could do for YOU.

    Rori, I feel like we need some happy stories on here now… do you have any of those? Real life success stories that remind us all what we’re striving toward!?


  4.  #4Lucy on March 31, 2010 at 9:43 am

    Here’s another great piece by Michael Brown in today’s blog:

    “HEART INTENT: Promise. Consider that the universe is both graciously obedient and abundantly loyal. Consider that it interacts with us just as devoted subjects toward the one seated upon the royal throne. Consider that if the King or Queen perceive themselves as not worthy of love and respect, that it is disrespectful for any of their loyal subjects to treat them in any other way. Consider that because of their unfaltering devotion for the ones seated upon the throne, the subjects of any Kingdom always behave in a manner as honors the King and Queen’s self-perception. For example, if the King’s heart feels impoverished, the Kingdoms Treasury dutifully hides all the wealth and makes the King beg for everything so that his heart’s condition is honored. And, if the King feels unworthy of having an intimate loving companion, the court dutifully conceals the beautiful Queen so that her loving presence does not cause him to feel awkward. Consider that this is the promise of all loyal subjects: That they arrange the Kingdom exactly as reflects the state of the heart of those upon the throne – so as to show complete and utter obedience to their current perception of ‘what is’. Consider that it does not even help if the King pretends, wishes, or even furiously demands to be treated as wealthy or deserving of passionate intimate love – for his subjects do not listen to his mouth or the posturing of his physical appearance – they hold themselves true and unwavering as a devout mirror to the condition of his heart. This truth is their gift to him. In light of this arrangement, consider the promise inherent within any sincere change of heart. Consider also that the enemy of the King is not any force which tries to invade the Kingdom, but one that deliberately interferes with the condition of the royal heart.”


  5.  #5Tara on March 31, 2010 at 9:55 am

    Rori: That was a gorgeous blog! Am putting on the tiara right now and it feels GOOD!

    Shel: OUCH! If he is using the “God” card on you, run away from him fast. Either he does not want to be responsible for making his own decisions, or he worships a deity whom he believes micromanages his every move and must dictate his relationships to him. The other possibility is that he’s using God to do the “dirty work” of breaking up with you and keeping you far away.
    Would you want a man who does ANY of these things? I hope not!

  6.  #6tinque on March 31, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Shel – Tara is right. Major ouch. Run don’t walk. Scream a bit along the way. It might make you feel better. Then stop and smell some pretty flowers, pick a few to take home. Place them in your home, your heart home.

  7.  #7Goodheart on March 31, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Oh Siena, yes, happy stories. I was thinking the same thing. Lately, I’ve felt a little down & sad reading some of the posts. That’s me being sensitive again. Sucks sometimes. But I love my sensitivity 🙂

    I want happy.
    I want light.
    I want sunshine.
    I want inspiration.
    I want LOVE.

  8.  #8Sherry on March 31, 2010 at 10:11 am

    Omg!! Really? I didn’t know the God card was used so often! In my case, it was “to try to control his lust!” Ugh!

    All I can say is it has been a looong 2 months since I decided to get out of Shel’s situation. It has been sad, lonely, and heart breaking at times, but so worth it! He has a g/f now, asked her about 2 weeks after him and I quit. I didn’t find out about it for almost a month! The good thing is I could really care less! I wouldn’t have thought I could feel this way 2 months ago.

    It is so hard to see when you are in the situation! You make excuses for their behavior and think your situation is different – at least that is what I did! Turns out that although we did have different circumstances than most, it was still the same story.

    The ladies on here are awesome 🙂 And, they are right… get out! Walk away and don’t look back! It is actually harder thinking about it than doing it! But, it is the only thing that will help YOU.

    After 2 months, I still talk to him. Once or twice a week. He asks me all kinds of questions about what I am doing. Some I answer, some I don’t. I never ask about him or his g/f. I have no room in my mind for that! I haven’t let go completely, I’m still working on that. But, the importance level I had placed on him has went way down.

    Rori is right – of course! CD is the key!

  9.  #9mary on March 31, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Oh Siena,

    R said the same thing about God to me, too! And I felt the same way, like why was God not telling me anything? I’m so glad to hear how that made you feel. Even if it wasn’t a happy stories! But I vote on happy stories, too. And I hope to be one someday soon. : )

  10.  #10mary on March 31, 2010 at 10:17 am

    Hey Tinque,

    I think I’m gonna go buy some flowers. Good idea!

  11.  #11tinque on March 31, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Okay here’s a page from my own “success story”. There truly can be a happy ending no matter what your herstory…


  12.  #12tinque on March 31, 2010 at 10:26 am

    Mary – they were metaphorical flowers I had in mind, but the real thing is even better.

  13.  #13Sherry on March 31, 2010 at 10:35 am

    Tinque that is a great story!! Thank you! And the ring sounds gorgeous!!

    I try to visualize and get clear on what it is I really do want. I have gotten Notes from the Universe for a while now, and I really do believe “thoughts become things!”

    I have one question: When someone enters your life that actually does seem to have potential, how do you keep your visualization non specific? I find his face keeps popping in my head, and I don’t want to put that much pressure on this totally new thing! I don’t want to have a negative attitude about it, but on the other hand, I don’t want to be too hopeful. How did you maintain a middle ground?

  14.  #14Lucy on March 31, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Sherry, I have that problem, too! (trying to keep visualization non-specific, he pops up in my mind’s eye)


  15.  #15Siena on March 31, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Tinque, AWESOME success story, thank you for sharing it!

    Re visualization: Here’s what works for me (and this is a success story too!)

    I write lists. I write in my journal about a perfect date with a man I love. I make lists about all the things I’d like to do with my man. And I find when I do it, I don’t need to know who the man is, because I focus on how I feel.

    Just last Fall, I made a list of all the things I wanted to do with a man I loved. And in defiance, I wrote “go to the ballet.” Because every man I had dated up to that point was unwilling to take me to the ballet. And I asked for sure! (I used to be a ballerina, so this is a huge one for me.)

    Well, one day, out of the blue – when I was newly dating M, he asked me, “Hey, so I was thinking, do you think I could take you to the ballet?” I was flooooored! I had told him about my dancing days, but never asked him to take me. And we went!

    So, thoughts Do become things. Or more specifically, I feel like emotions become things.

    …and while I’m writing this post, the Moody Blues are playing on my Pandora:

    “Yes, I know it’s gonna happen
    I can feel you getting near
    And soon we’ll be returning
    To the fountain of our youth

    And if you wake up wondering
    In the darkness I’ll be there
    My arms will close around you
    And protect you with the truth”

    That sends chills through me! Yayyyy!

  16.  #16tinque on March 31, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Siena – Me too!!! I’m a ballerina too. I still dance. Actually K and I will be partnering each other in two pieces in June.
    Have you ever seen the DVD of ABT doing Swan Lake with Gillian Murphy and Angel Corella? You have to, have to see it. It’s a Kevin MacMillan production, so beautifully done, and all the dancers…amazing.
    If you watch it, you have to look for Herman Cornejo when he does pirouettes or tours; he goes up on pointe in his soft boots. Unbelievable. His jumps too.

    Yes for the most part, if you can imagine, you can create it. If you can feel it as you imagine it, it’s bound to become your truth, your reality.

  17.  #17Siena on March 31, 2010 at 11:12 am

    wow, Tinque! I LOVE that you are a dancer too! ABT was my “dream company”, and I was offered a job there at one point, but sustained an injury and so couldn’t dance with them for the season they offered it to me, and I stopped dancing totally soon thereafter.

    I no longer dance, but am going to start up again. I’ve strayed so far from the authentic me, and dancing was part of what made me… me.

    I haven’t seen that version of Swan Lake, but I’ll find it on YouTube.

    Watching ballet was too painful for me for a while, but now I can see it and be moved in a good way again. But I still can’t listen to the Nutcracker music without running screaming from the store (or wherever it’s being piped in – LOL)

  18.  #18Siena on March 31, 2010 at 11:17 am

    PS Tinque – is your performance in June something that will be taped? I’d love to see it!

  19.  #19Goodheart on March 31, 2010 at 11:23 am

    I have been trying the visualization stuff. It has been hard for me some reason, but I’m getting better at it. My thoughts always seem to drift to the painful stuff. So I’m recognizing it now & shifting it. I have lists too. But I think I’m weak in something because I’m not manifesting. I was visualizing flowers being delivered to my desk. I actually said I want flowers & I think I even wrote it on this post. Well, today a girl in my office got flowers. I asked where they came from & she said that a few days ago she said she wanted flowers & whamo bammo. Well WTF? Where are mine?

    I have a list of things I want to do with “my man.” I also have written up a scenario of our “perfect day together.” As I was writing I felt powerful positive emotion. I have been doing positive mantras & really practiving with the visualization. I use a man from my way-back who was so good to me & it is easy to evoke good feelings then. I have vision boards up the wazoo – in my bedroom, my bathroom, my living room, my office. I have one on & I get notes from the universe.

    I realized recently, looking back, that I was such a negative thinker. My thoughts always drifted to the dark periods of my life. I am so aware now. I never ever used to visual about a happy relationship. Guess it seemed to impossible. I really really really want to believe it’s possible for me. That a truly great man will come into my life from…somewhere… & let me be me & love every nook & cranny of me.

  20.  #20Siena on March 31, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Goodheart, I recently had that same type of flower incident. Literally while I was sitting on my couch and visualizing flowers being delivered to me – a delivery man came to the door with flowers – for my roommate. I found it funny and it made me laugh. And since the flowers were in our living room, I got to enjoy them too!

    Somewhere I read that we can control the “what” and the “why”, but not the “when” and the “how”.

    So in my case, I know I want flowers because they are amazing, and lift my spirits and make me feel loved. But I can’t control when they come to me or from whom.

    So don’t give up! Never give up, never waiver, never doubt! Your flowers are on their way!

  21.  #21Goodheart on March 31, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Thanks Siena. That’s pretty funny that your roommate got flowers. I think I would’ve argued with the delivery guy – you sure you got the right name? 🙂 I’ve been truly blessed with so many things & choose to focus on those now. I’m glad I have a man in my past who embodies all I want in a man. Too bad he came at time when I was immature. But he is my “go to” when I need good feelings & visualizations.

    Oh, I’m actually going to a LOA seminar in a couple weeks! Jerry & Esther Hicks will be in town & it’s an all day seminar.

    Yippee! I want to finally get rid of that niggling little voice inside that says, “yes anyone can have everything they want – except for you, that is.” I want to squash that sucker!

  22.  #22tinque on March 31, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Siena – “Nutcracker music”
    Oh how could you….lalalalalalalalala I have my fingers in my ears. lalalalalalala
    I got to do Arabian five? years with K. That was so much fun.
    I have no idea if this show will be taped. In the past when we have performed, my friend who is a photographer has always come to take pictures, but we are on the east coast since last July/August for an undetermined time, so that’s not going to happen.

    As for the imagining/visualizations, for me they just were, organically. I didn’t purposefully think about what I wanted. What I dreamed for just floated in and through here and there, now and then. Every time it has been that way, the dreams have come to be my reality.
    In retrospect, I would think it was a having a dream and then letting it go to give it space to manifest.
    I never really thought someone like a K would come to me, but still I dreamed of someone just like him in the dark of the night when no one could see or hear my thoughts.
    I truly had resigned myself to living out my life with the nightmare of he ex that was, but somewhere deep enough down and where it counted, I must have truly known it was going to be.
    I’m not exaggerating when I say that K came to me two weeks after I left my ex.
    And even more astounding, K turned out to be someone I had known ten years prior through ballet class. I had given him one of my face treatments too of which I have no memory, and I have a memory like an elephant.
    My theory is that there was a strong attraction back then, but I don’t go there if I’m involved with another even if it’s bad, and neither does he. I must have blocked it all out. HE remembered, and with time, I was able to come up with a dim memory of it.
    It was as if the universe knew we were meant to be, and as soon as we were free, she immediately said, “HEY. You two. Over there. It’s time” We were fixed up on a blind date by a mutual friend who knew us via different venues.
    We have been together ever since, eight years next week. And he has far surpassed anything I made up in m little head.
    The relationship has always been easy. It’s the work on self that has been hard, and the more I have opened ME, in all ways, the deeper, better, more intimate, more profound WE have become, in all ways.
    And he has grown too. I say this a lot. Men take our lead in this.

  23.  #23Goodheart on March 31, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    Tinque, your story is truly inspiring. I wish I had enough faith in myself. I am working on it. Have been for so long it seems. I don’t really know what else to do except trust the universe to know when I’m ready. I’ve worked so hard & waited so very long. Seems like there are people out there that don’t have to try at all. I feel like I’m being put through the ringer by the universe. I’m exhausted.

    Can’t it be just a little bit easy?

  24.  #24Jeannette on March 31, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Rori, I have a question. Say you decide to ask someone you care about after a break up if they in fact have moved on. I mean, someone you hear from on occasion. Say they are a pretty honest person, as much as you know. What would you say is the likelihood that they would be honest with you?

  25.  #25tinque on March 31, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Goodheart – Well in my experience nothing has come easily. I have been through the wringer many times. It’s surprising there’s any juice left in me.
    It may seem like some people have it easy or easier, but appearances can be deceiving.
    And even if it’s true, try to look at it this way, when things you wish for do come your way, you will appreciate them all the more. You will never take them for granted. You will cherish them as anything that is special needs to be.
    Couples who find each other young and are still great together for a lifetime are quite rare. I know one only, okay two. I know plenty who have stayed together miserably or at best have settled into the comfort of their discomfort.
    I am SO happy K and I didn’t come together until our forties. We would never have created what we have now otherwise.
    Even at my lowest, there was always a glimmer of hope in there. You are here, so you must have it too.

  26.  #26Jessie on March 31, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    I find dating harder than sticking with a good albeit not committed boyfriend. I hate dating, I hate break ups and I always feel terrible for a long time after a break up and its hard to walk in to that. I lost alot of my family and I really felt for your predicament–because as easy as Rori makes it sound, It is hard to break up, cut ties, esp. after long time ties, after kids, or after some kinds of support when the alternatives are bleak. Plus, I am not a very secure person, I feel fat, ugly, old (I am also 38) and I know that feeling of being alone and facing health problems and be single. It always always takes me a very very long time to get a new man and so its hard to do all this stuff that Rori advises. You need some good girl friends and then slowly try to date…..thats what i am doing…and not concerning my whole life with MEN….sorry rori…sometimes people need downtime and not always to start throwing themselves into men headlong while your vulnerable…

  27.  #27Daria on March 31, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Did everyone get to read Rori’s amazing e-letter from this week?

    Power in LOVE is our birthright as women.

    I’m going to reprint most of it here:

    Hi Daria, if you’re feeling afraid to
    make “the wrong move” with a man – something that
    you’re worried would accidentally push him away
    instead of bringing him closer, I can help you.

    Though every word we say is important and can
    have a HUGE effect on a man, and though everything
    we do and don’t do can create a response from him
    that’s either fantastic, loving and romantic or
    “friendly,” disinterested or even angry – the
    truly important thing about us is our “vibe.”

    You can recover from words that don’t work. You
    can recover from doing something – like calling
    him – that doesn’t work. But what a man is
    responding to MOST is the “energy” around you –
    your “vibe.”

    If you’d like to learn more about how to USE words
    and body language to SHIFT your vibe so it draws
    him in like a magnet – even pulling him toward you
    through his own fears – then try out my Commitment
    Blueprint program.

    In it, I lead you through The 7 Steps To
    Triggering His Lifelong Commitment – with
    information, interactive visualizations, and one-
    on-one demonstrations with real women.

    You can watch a bit of it and try it out for 30
    days right here:

    Dear Daria,

    Have you ever wondered what it would be like
    to never have to worry what you say or what you
    do with a man?

    To forget about “The Rules” and just do as you

    And he’d just get more and more crazy about
    you, and fall in love with the fabulous “Free
    Spirit” you are?

    You can.

    So many of my Tools are about words and body
    language – and that’s because they WORK.

    But the most exciting part of using my Tools
    is that once you get the words and the body
    language and the “Energy Exchange” right, it
    starts to become automatic – totally natural –
    and then you can FORGET about them!

    It’s sort of like being a great painter.

    Pablo Picasso had to know how to draw in a
    classical way, to understand and be able to put
    on paper every line and shape in the world in a
    realistic way before he could tear it all apart
    and come up with an original expression of what
    he saw.

    It’s how he came up with his individual style,
    his individual voice, and that’s what I want for

    To find and express your own unique,
    individual, Daria voice.

    So, what would it be like to be a woman who
    can do or say anything and have men eating out of
    her hand?

    It would feel EASY.

    It would be FUN.

    And most of us have NEVER experienced that in
    any relationship.

    When I was first trying to figure out how to be
    with men, I was a pretty tense woman.

    I was always worried about putting my foot
    wrong, I was sensitive to every move a man made,
    and then, because I was so sensitive, what a man
    picked up from me FIRST – and that impression
    always stayed with him – was that I was insecure
    and putting him up on a pedestal.

    I was like a puppy, watching for hand signals
    from my master so I’d know what to do.

    Now, I certainly didn’t THINK I was acting
    that way – I was a successful professional woman.

    I owned my own home.

    I had survived the competitiveness of the
    entertainment world and made a living as an

    I’d even directed OTHER actors in plays.

    I thought of myself as “authoritative.”

    And so did many other people.

    And yet, with a man – and looking back I can
    REALLY see this – I FELT completely at the mercy
    of a man I was deeply attracted to.

    If I didn’t care – it was fine.

    But if I did – if I was “attached” to him
    emotionally (and especially physically) – then it
    was as if he was in CONTROL of me.

    It’s completely embarrassing to tell this to
    you, but I know you’ll understand, even if you’ve
    never been as bad as I was, what that feels like.

    After awhile, you start to think before you
    speak – and not in a good way.

    You start to think, not “How can I say this
    that will best EXPRESS how I really feel?” – but
    “How can I say this so it will AFFECT HIM the way
    I want it to?

    In other words – “How could I say this so
    he’ll want me more?” Or “call me more?” Or
    “love me more?”

    And as long as I had that THOUGHT behind my
    words, all the “rules” in the world couldn’t help

    Because a man – as clueless as he sometimes
    seems – actually can PICK UP on our “vibe” when
    we think about what HE’S thinking before we pay
    attention to what WE’RE FEELING!

    He picks up the truth – that to us, HE comes

    And that’s when he loses interest or becomes
    our “friend.”

    I found out the hard way – and you don’t have

    Here’s a letter from Jane, who’s struggling
    with her own opinion of herself – see if you can
    spot how she’s working against herself:

    “Dear Rori,
    I have used your Tools and newest CD program and
    find them to be very helpful. The only thing I
    question is how long do you lean back? I’ve
    found, in my experience, that men can interpret
    “leaning back” as disinterested and they will pull
    away because I didn’t reciprocate.

    I guess I’m struggling with the “unnaturalness”
    of it all. For instance, last night I wanted to
    see Dan after a work dinner that was downtown,
    close to where he lives. I casually let him know
    where the dinner was and what time the dinner
    started. I said I would talk to him later on the
    phone, that afternoon (he called me the day
    before, and I hadn’t returned his call…hoping
    to lean back). Things seemed a bit awkward on the
    phone. But I went to the dinner and called him
    at 8:45pm. He didn’t answer. I didn’t leave a
    message. I gave it everything I had to not stop
    by or call again or leave a message.

    But today I slipped. I called him and left a
    message. I feel like if I don’t at least let him
    know I care that he’ll take that as a sign I’m
    not into him and vanish.

    But he called me back tonight and we talked for
    25 minutes. I didn’t want to ask to do anything
    with him, even though I wanted to. He just
    rambled on how he was cleaning his place and how
    nice it was outside.

    I wanted to scream, “Then we should do something.”
    But I didn’t. I did break down and tell him that
    I would like to see him, but it sounded like he
    needed some time to himself. I used a lot of
    “feel” statements too. Where do you draw the
    line with suggesting fun things to do?

    From your program it sounds like you discourage
    ever being active in the relationship….ALWAYS
    giving the reigns to him. I would think a man
    would be turned off by this, rather than coming
    towards me at times. He might feel I was not
    very interesting and indecisive.

    Men like when us women know what we want and
    where we want to go or to say what we like to do.
    How is giving them all the power making me more

    My one question at this point: I think I need to
    see other people, since he doesn’t seem to be too
    into me lately and is withdrawing, after a
    wonderful weekend at the triathlon and his beach
    house. Do I have to tell him I am seeing other
    people, since he’s told me he’s not sure about
    long term commitment? And how do I say that? I
    have to say, I am very scared. I REALLY like him
    and don’t want to lose him. He seems to be the
    kind of guy that would not be open to that, since
    he has always said he is a one woman man. But I
    know it’s not fair to me.

    Thanks for your wonderful program. Jane”

    ***I asked Jane if I could use her letter here as
    a springboard. There’s so much in it, so I’ll
    touch on the general points, first:

    1. Until a man asks you to commit to him in a
    permanent way – he understands that you are not
    exclusive. That’s the way it is. I don’t mean
    sleep with other men, I mean lunch, coffee, the
    museum, dinner. If he doesn’t book you and doesn’t
    call you, then he doesn’t get to keep you all to
    himself. Simple and plain.

    2. What Jane brought up about a woman being
    boring and uninteresting if we don’t hold up our
    end of the relationship by letting a man know
    we’re interested is a fabulous question, actually
    a HUGE question, and I’m going to chip away at it
    here – and first by giving Jane some “tough love.”

    At this moment, just from reading Jane’s words,
    and how careful she’s being and how hard she’s
    finding it to keep herself from making “moves”
    toward the man, you and I can see she’s actually
    putting out the “vibe” that inside, she’s a
    desperate, needy, wanting-what-she’s-not-getting-
    from-him, hung-up-on-him woman.

    As Jane says it herself – this is the truth
    about what’s going on for her.

    When you’re FEELING this way inside – no amount
    of pretending to be “cool” is going to convince
    him that you’re a self-assured woman who can take
    him or leave him, but simply “likes” him.

    A very wonderful way to feel like and actually
    demonstrate that you’re a powerful woman who
    simply “likes” a man is to be open to other men.

    It will raise your self esteem.

    You will start to experience men all around
    you chasing you down, and either this man will
    step up, or he’ll get lost in the shuffle.

    He’ll get trampled by the other men beating a
    path to your door.

    This is about confidence, and I think that’s
    the kind of woman Jane wants (we all want) to be.

    But you can’t just do things that represent
    your IMPRESSION of what a confident woman looks

    For Jane, it’s calling her man and pretending
    she’s a strong woman – even though she’s most
    often feeling completely NOT strong.

    Because right now, when she calls him, she
    knows, and you and I know that it’s because of

    We all know that Jane can barely “keep control”
    of herself and not call him.

    So that’s the work she needs to do now.

    Jane needs to do the Inside work of my Tools
    to get herself to that place where – Yes! – she
    can do or say ANYTHING!

    And if you find her story familiar (I sure do,
    though thankfully from long ago) try it for
    yourself, too.

    If you’d like some extra help with the Inside
    work of Confidence – and how to help yourself
    FEEL confident by using words and body language
    that WORK with a man so that BOTH of you will be
    almost instantly raising YOUR self-esteem and
    solidifying your Boundaries, try out my Reconnect
    Your Relationship CD program.

    It’s designed to help you stop your man from
    withdrawing, bring him close and get the
    relationship back on track.

    You can listen to “Reconnect” here, and work
    with it for 30 days:

    Let me know how it works for you.

    Now, let’s get to some of the nuts and bolts
    of Jane’s letter.

    Jane mentions “…I hadn’t returned his call..
    hoping to lean back”.

    I’m so happy to be able to clarify this: There
    is a HUGE difference between not INITIATING
    calling a man and not calling him BACK.

    Not calling a man back – if he ASKS you to –
    is not a good way to go (I know we’d all consider
    it rude if a man did that to us), and if you
    don’t call him back on purpose, HOPING to make
    him feel a certain way, it’ll backfire on you.

    Your vibe will give you away.

    You’ll be radiating the truth, no matter how
    hard you try to hide it, and you’ll feel icky.

    So here are some ways to know how to handle
    calling a man “back”:

    If he ASKS you to call him back, call him back.

    If he has a bad habit of calling, leaving vague
    messages, and then drifting away for awhile, DON’T
    call him.

    If he’s somewhere in-between, a new man in your
    life perhaps, and he calls you but NEGLECTS to
    SPECIFICALLY ask you to call back – call him back
    and see what happens.

    If he talks with you, but doesn’t ask to see
    you – then you know. You know he’s not a man
    who’s likely to initiate – even when you give him
    the benefit of the doubt.

    Your “vibe” is WAY more important than any
    specific words you say or actions you do.

    This is where it’s easy to confuse initiating
    with “reciprocating,” as Jane says.

    I don’t want you “reciprocating” event for
    event. You know the kind – where if does it,
    then you do it back.

    It’s easy to get caught up in that, and truly-
    it’s just keeping “score.”

    It’s an excuse to do masculine energy

    The kind of reciprocating that WORKS is the
    whole Rori Raye method –


    You radiate OUT your confidence, warmth, and
    the real feelings you feel for him in the way you
    smile, the way your eyes twinkle, the way your
    hand relaxes when he holds it, the way you listen
    to him, the way you seem at ease with yourself and
    comfortable in your own skin when you’re with him
    – the way you TRUST him as a man.

    This is ALL the GIVING a woman needs to do.

    It’s the whole package.

    From there, ALL your words and actions will
    FEEL “natural.”

    Jane’s experience of “wanting to see” her man
    because an event she was going to was close to
    his house was actually a very aggressive thought.

    I know that’s hard to hear – but it’s an
    aggressive (not simply assertive) impulse to
    think that because you’re going to be in his
    “neighborhood” you should somehow let him know
    and hope he’ll invite you over.

    And you make it even worse by trying to
    accomplish this by dropping a “hint.”

    That’s a maneuver that ANY man would consider
    “Playing Games.” and it propelled Jane into a
    whole mental state of “strategizing.”

    THAT’S why it all feels so “unnatural” to her.

    Because it ISN’T natural.

    The natural thing to do would be to FORGET
    about him unless he’s either on the phone with
    her or right in front of her.

    When Jane says she “casually” mentioned the
    dinner – WE know she didn’t FEEL casual at all!

    Again, that’s why it felt unnatural.

    Leaning Back is not a game.

    It is the “anti-game.”

    Leaning Back is giving yourself a chance to
    breathe, to feel, and to intuit what’s going on
    around you.

    Leaning Back gives a man a chance to breathe,
    the space to appreciate you and come forward to
    be with you, and the INSPIRATION to want to get
    to know you.

    At the end, Jane says he finally called and
    they talked for 25 minutes.

    He “rambled on” about cleaning his house, and
    he did not step forward to ask to see her.

    And Jane says she wanted to “scream… Let’s
    do something!”

    It’s absolutely impossible to “appear” cool,
    confident, relaxed and happy when you actually
    want to SCREAM.

    It’s impossible to appear “authentic” and
    “natural” when you’re PRETENDING.

    His chatter about his “household” was the HUGE
    sign he was waving that he was moving into “just
    friends” territory.

    It’s not what Jane said and didn’t say, or
    what she did and didn’t do, it was her “vibe” –
    SCREAMING to him that she wanted him so much she
    was willing to do almost ANYTHING to GET him that
    made her feel so bad and got her nowhere with him.

    Because nothing will push a man away faster
    than a “screaming” vibe.

    The most difficult part of Jane’s letter was
    when she said to him, on the phone, that she’d
    like to see him, and he said “No.”

    Jane says he “needed some time to himself,”
    but we all know what that means.

    And by simply putting herself out in that way,
    and then hearing “No,” I know (and you can see,
    too, I’m sure), that Jane wasn’t paying attention
    to her intuition.

    Her intuition would have told her that her man
    was merely “chatting” and wasn’t about to ask to
    see her.

    At that point – a true Feeling Message about
    her discomfort would have worked much better to
    find out where she really WAS in this

    It would have protected her self-esteem,
    instead of wrecking it.

    Now – about the last part of Jane’s letter.

    About POWER.

    Giving a man the “reigns” in a relationship is
    NOT giving up your Power.

    Giving a man the “reigns” in a relationship is
    the ONLY way to see what he’s made of, how much
    he likes you, and for you to see if you can
    respect and trust him to lead you and the
    relationship in a good direction – the direction
    you want to go in.

    And YES, this requires knowing what you want
    and communicating that.

    But what you want is NOT a “date” or anything
    specific – what you want is a wonderful

    And you can’t do that all by yourself, for
    BOTH of you.

    HE has to step up to the plate.

    And the only way to find out if he’s ENOUGH
    for YOU is to LET him step up to the plate.

    Where YOU and ALL OF US hold the real POWER is
    in our DECISION – at every moment – to BE THERE
    with this man.

    Our Power resides in being able to say NO.

    Our Power resides in having a strong sense of
    who we are, being able to speak honestly and
    authentically from our hearts, and NOT taking
    “crap” from any man.

    I know it feels like it, but a man’s
    disinterest is not “crap.”

    It’s just disinterest.

    Once we find out about his disinterest, by
    giving him the space to step up to the plate or
    not – it’s what WE do that determines how
    Powerful we feel, and how Powerful we are.

    By continuing to want him in a way that
    compromises her feelings about HERSELF, Jane is
    GIVING UP her Power.

    Feeling one way and then acting and saying
    something very different, something that doesn’t
    match what you feel – is the OPPOSITE of POWER.

    I know this is a complex issue, and I’ll be
    talking about it more and more.

    Because POWER is not what we’ve been TAUGHT it

    Power in LOVE is our birthright as women.

    We don’t have to SHOW it – we only have to LIVE
    in it.

    So, Jane – here’s the work you need to do.

    The Leanback, Feeling Messages, every single
    one of my Tools that are about how to talk and Be
    with a man in a way that will magnetize him are
    about HELPING YOU shift your “vibe” from the

    And all my Tools that work to steady you,
    ground you, make you feel NATURALLY and
    organically GOOD all through you – all the way
    down to your toes – shift your “vibe” from the

    It’s a powerful combo.

    When words fail you for a moment, you can do
    the Tools that will give you instant confidence –
    and then all you have to do is smile.

    When you feel shaky – the words will help you
    EXPRESS your shakiness, authentically and
    honestly, so HE will RESPOND in a terrific way AND
    your self-esteem and confidence will instantly
    climb upwards – all at the same time.

  28.  #28heartbeat on March 31, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Oh I LOVE the image of the tiara! And I’ve always loved the horse… I’m feeling SO good after reading that. Aaah!

    I’m going to my bed and my journal and I’M MAKING A LIST. Thank you Siena and goodheart! Thank you Tinque for your beautiful story and the flowers image!

    I thought ‘I want flowers’ and then one of my POF guys just sent me ‘roses’ in his message 🙂 A miracle!! From a guy guy too.

    I’m going to list my every wish – y’know reading the comments above I realise I edit out my dream wishes. So no editing tonight.

    I’m not writing much at the moment as I’m getting out more, having a ball on POF (though two in the hand would feel good – maybe time to take a lover?) and taking really good care of myself in practical ways. My feelings are ever-changing, my sadness passes quickly though.

    My good-food list has manifested in much better nutrition.

    But know, Sirens, every comment helps me whether inspirational or triggering. Though I must admit this feel-good thread feels… well – good!

    Love to all xxxx

  29.  #29Goodheart on March 31, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Heartbeat, you go girl! I’m so happy you’re having so much fun on POF. I actually just deleted my profile from there because I was having less than a good time! So now I really am relying on the universe to send me someone.

    I will live vicariously through you, if you don’t mind posting your exploits lol! Take that lover! Lord, I want to find someone I’m attracted to so I can do the same. It’s on my list for sure. One of my lists. I need to make a list of my lists. 🙂

  30.  #30Daria on March 31, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    my head feels heavy. i’m actually not reading the posts the past 2 days. a first for me. i feel angry.

    i don’t like it when i see people complaining and NOT using tools.

    i feel like kicking people who are like: oh no what do i do… my exclusive boyfriend who is not talking about marriage is doing xyz and im [leaning forward like crazy] do you think i should [lean forward some extra special more?]

    i feel drained. i feel angry. i feel like attacking.

    i feel soo disdainful… angry?

    i remember when i resisted the tools… i feel revengeful… if I gave in and tried them, then other people can too…

    i feel furious

    i feel furious

    i feel furious

    i feel stone face hanging down cheeks

    i feel sigh

    mm that feels good

    i feel like slapping them for not knowing the answer to the math problem

    hey i TOLD u the answer. fuckin get it. i feel angry

    i feel angry i feel angry i feel angry

    i feel alone and i feel held back and i feel angry

    i feel angry

    i feel angry

    i love my anger

    i love my anger

    i love my anger

    i feel angry

    you must DO THE TOOLS or I WILL BEAT YOU.

    trigger much?

    i feel like beating u


    i feel guilty

    i feel gleeful

    i feel drained

    i feel afraid

    i was raised with beatings.

    and it made me really good at math.

    that seems like a false belief

    or is it

    would i have gone anywhere in life without getting beaten
    the thought is no

    the truth is duh


    i am not anywhere in life by those peoples standards

    i am right here by my standards

    i feel frustaclicious

    i dont liek my dear siren island blog swamped with questions that are answered again and again and again only to be ignored again and again…

    i feel like im deprived of my own learning. i feel triggered to the maximususliciious

    this is an interesting trigger

    i love my triggers

    i love my fury that will beat anyone down


    like that girl at the club that was talking about my friend

    i feel glad i didnt hear her talk about me, because…

    i often feel very tightened up when people talk bad about me and criticize me

    i feel curious

    i feel tightened up in my hip and my face now

    i feel afraid
    i feel angry

    i feel tight

    i lve my tightness

  31.  #31Tara on March 31, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    Lucy’s post about “heart intent” was awesome! It has been with me all day and has started to create some powerful visualizations and energetic intent.

    A little success story earlier this week: I’ve posted here about how Steve is now “practice.” Saturday night was closing night of the show. He came, family in tow. His daughter ran over and hugged me, but he acted like he didn’t see me until he was on his way out of the theater, when he gave me a little wave and smile.
    I felt angry, offended, and dissed. (He’s come to other performances and given me a big hug in front of “Jane,” so that’s not the issue).
    He called me Monday and I said, “I feel angry and confused…etc.” I was able to say exactly how I felt in a very calm and clear way. I also told him how I felt about our inability to actually get together for coffee or anything else.
    To my surprise, he told me he felt the same way about his schedule and was also frustrated.

    It felt good to be able to communicate this way and not “lose it” or blow up at him. I think he liked it too. I don’t care so much about the outcome because I’m not even considering this as a real relationship. It’s all about me being able to do “feeling” messages.

  32.  #32Daria on March 31, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    really like this!: sometimes i get this frm men, it feels good to hear rori respond:

    Mike says:

    As a guy, I’d like to add a man’s perspective. I think this post is complete BS.

    It is NOT all about men giving and women receiving, although I agree that it shouldn’t be all one sided. Women should not give up any more than the man.

    In a perfect world it should be 50/50…but we all know that this world isn’t perfect.

    With that said, I think. Women want equality in everything today…except dating.

    Women want equal rights, equal job positions, equal pay, etc. However in the dating world, women want the man to bear ALL of the risk …asking them out, risk of rejection, financial risk of paying for everything (because “thats just the way it’s always been), etc. From a man’s perspective, this is wrong and men deep down resent this. There are some guys who because they were taught up by their mothers to be “good husbands, good providers” and will act this way, but again, have a deep down resentment for this. Does a woman want a daddy or does she want a equal partner and lover?

    I surmise that if things were TRULY equal and both shared EQUALLY in the dating experience, things would be much better. It would lead to a better selection of a mate based on the IMPORTANT THINGS, it would level playing field, not confuse the woman, and ultimately this would lead to less cases of divorce.

    It’s funny…some women can’t conceive of paying for a man’s meal at a restaurant, Yet at the same time she’d rather spend MORE preparing a meal at home for him. But in the case of divorce, how many women have NO PROBLEM taking half of the money and assets. Why?

    The reason that this silly phenomena happens is because of dating behavior that stems back to a very long time ago. Problem is…the world has changed, but “dating” has not changed.

    Back in the 50’s and before, many women didn’t even drive a car…(My mom was one of them) .they didn’t work, they weren’t as educated as men, and not long before that, women didn’t even have a right to vote. It made sense for the man to “GIVE” more in those times.
    Women got married, had children, and kept a house. They kept their man happy and many, worked hard to stay in their relationship. They took their marriage vows seriously.

    Today, women hold equal job positions, statistically hold higher degrees of education and in general have more education than men, and despite SOME data, women even have equal pay to men. The only reason why “Pay” still shows in some statistical data as “inequal” is because the statisticians factor in “part time” work along with full time employment.

    Purpose of Dating = Mate Selection.
    Another word for Mating = Sex.

    So if a man “dates” a woman and takes her out, pays for her dinner, drinks, flowers, showers her with gifts, etc….he is hoping she will select HIM to MATE and have sex with.

    When a woman excepts financial benefits from a man in exchange for mating/sex, there is another word for this…it’s called PROSTITUTION. So your theory of receiving gifts is not a healthy attitude.
    It should be EQUAL giving and receiving.

    Don’t get me wrong I WANT EQUALITY…I LOVE WOMEN and am not chauvinistic. I think that there are many great talented women out there, and like that things are more equal today.

    However if women want this one-sided way of dating, I propose women to give back their driver’s licenses, give up their rights to vote, quit using up all of the scholarship money so that men can become better educated, and women leave the workforce. Heck…..if they left the workforce, we could solve the 10% unemployment rate overnight!!

    Best of luck to all

    Friday, 8 January 2010 @ 10:29am

    204: Rori Raye says:
    Mike, Welcome, love having a man here…and you have clearly not read all of my work. This is a blog for women. We’re working to gain confidence, self-esteem, and reclaim power we tend to give over to you men so easily in a relationship. We’re not looking to take you for a ride…we want to marry you and make you happy and let you make us happy. If you’ve never noticed how women get attached to you so quickly and start chasing you…then you’re being untruthful. If you’re only meeting women who have the shallow interests and goals you mention here – you’re meeting the wrong women. Also – you don’t sound married or in a relationship – so you could probably use some help, here, too. Even men in the “seduction” community realize and are gearing in the direction of becoming more personally authoritative with women – and in being more of a knight in shining armor in order to provide ROMANCE. Which is the word you’re not getting here. Without romance, you men get nothing much of value…you just get another buddy dressed as a woman. Is that what you really want? Please stick around, if you’d like to interact, we’d be happy…but men are different from women – and if you’re not willing to understand what that difference feels like, what it feels like to be a woman that’s different from the way you feel…we won’t get anywhere together. Sincerely, Rori

  33.  #33Cindy on March 31, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    Wow…Shel’s story and Rori’s response really brought tears to my eyes. I am living the same story with a man who says he loves me but isn’t present in a relationship with me. He isn’t loving me in the way I need or deserve. We don’t talkor see each other for days on end…we don’t do anything as a couple or go anywhere. He just wants me to cook dinners and then fall asleep on my couch. He tells me to just be happy “for what we have” and “let it be”. What a struggle this last year and a half has been. I thought it would change, but it is so clearly not changing. Not to mention he is a very angry man and bites my head off for the slightest perceived insult or complaint from me. I have loved him so greatly and gotten nothing in return. I have held on to the slightest crumbs of love & kindness that seemed to have happened in the distant past…I can hardly remember when I believed he wanted me or loved me. THIS can not be love…as much as I have lied to myself…this just can’t be it!

  34.  #34Turtle Girl on March 31, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    That sounds terrible to me and makes me feel really awful. That is certainly not love, if that is how he is treating you. Angry men suck.

  35.  #35Tina on March 31, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Daria, I’m having a hard time with Mike’s logic. I feel bored ACK!

  36.  #36Kimberly on March 31, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    Thanks to all of you for sharing your lives with us.

  37.  #37Kacy on March 31, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    Well, sorry everyone for my spurious comment which I accidently wrote in this blog. Comment #2. It was obviously off point from this blog and is obviously why no one including Rori, responded to it. Where do I go to address a question or comment that is along a different track than a blog that is discussing a particular subject?? I feel the question in my comment is quite pertinent and important but don’t know where to place it where it might get a response.

  38.  #38Erika Awakening on March 31, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    Yeah, Rori’s right …

    And rather than think of what you’re “losing” by walking away, consider what you might be gaining …

    Today one of my clients offered to fly me around on his private jet so I can work with him. He’s got it all going for him.

    If I had stuck with one of those guys from the past, this sort of opportunity never would have opened up to me.

    All I could focus on then was HIM. All I can focus on now is my life passion, which never would’ve been discovered if I was focused on that ONE guy.

    Life passion + true femininity = one heck of an amazing life starting to open up.

    It may not seem like it right now, but your life is about to become amazing in ways you never even dreamed of …


  39.  #39Erika Awakening on March 31, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    p.s. He’s hot too, lol 🙂

  40.  #40Triza on April 1, 2010 at 12:25 am

    Love this post….
    I was totally in that same position….It hit me today morning the real meaning of an imaginary relationship….I have read it before but to actually feel and see how i actually imagined a whole relationship that wasn’t actually there really brought the message home….
    I have been circular dating and meeting new men and i am grateful that with this practise i am actually able to see how i function with men and how i relate with men….
    My EX was still in my horse though,and i totally resonate with dating a man 3 years after he’s broken up with you because i went through the same scenario…..I still felt attached to him and i finally realized that was because deep down i still BELIEVED that there was something between us or at least hoped for something….
    THIS BELIEF was repeated thoughts going on in my head on how i could improve the relationship and how things would change,what it all meant….but in reality nothing was happenning…..The dude was doing absolutely nothing…The whole relationship thing was only happening in my mind.
    For me I cannot trace actions that validate a genuine real relationship or even what i would define a loving relationship to be…Its no wonder i’ve been tensed and agitated and frustrated about the whole issue..There is no alignment.I had only imagined the whole thing.I was living the relationship in my own head and not experiencing it as real.
    The beauty of all this is that feelings don’t lie.The minute something starts to feel amiss,the body and emotions respond and for me what i did for a long time is ignore my feelings and instead focus on fixing the other person.I am learning to listen to myself,and learn more about myself.Its an amazing adventure and it keeps getting better and better!hugs

  41.  #41Daria on April 1, 2010 at 12:42 am

    Tina me too. I’ve heard it more than once or twice in other forms. I like how Rori answers it. I feel inspired to answer that way as well…

    esp about the Romance, and a guy not wanting a guy buddy in a skirt

  42.  #42Daria on April 1, 2010 at 12:48 am

    Kacy – you can get a response here especially if it’s teh first time you’re posting on this blog, usually Rori sees first time comments and answers them.

    If you’d like me to answer you – honestly i feel like the answer is rather comples and I WOULD LOVE for Rori to answer you.

    From what i’ve learned here and what I would do, it’s very very important to be authentic with your man, and NOT BE A CACTUS, meaning act like you’ve got it all together and pushing help away or not requiring it.

    I would share with my man exactly how i was feeling, as best as i could, and i would work on my raising my self worth to myself so that i realize that i AM a deserving Goddess and I can surrender to allowing a man, especially one who can, help take care of me.

    I DO want this as well actually, and struggle with feeling guilty or not wanting to seem likea golddigger asking help from men, i feel worried they’re going to be triggered to think im trying to “use” them, and then my own anxiety around it shows up and i block myself.

    There is a LOT to be said about how to raise our self worth and let a man take care of us, and a LOT to be said in how to communicate – in feeling messages, and asking him what he thinks.

    Hope Rori addresses your question, I feel fascinated by it.


  43.  #43Daria on April 1, 2010 at 12:50 am

    Yay Triza!

  44.  #44heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:58 am

    Kacy – first of all, well done on keeping a business afloat, I really feel your stress at the moment. It takes a lot of qualities to do that – creativity, organisation, savvy determination! It’s hard to see something you’ve built in danger of melting away (I’ve been there – and survived and am now in a different, better career).

    If it were me, I would talk to him – I mean, if you’re talking about marriage and not talking about something so crucial, it’s not adding up!

    I’d start by writing it all down, all my feelings, including ‘don’t wants’. Intimacy, for me, is all about being real in spite of fears. You wrote: “I don’t want to pretend that I’m not stressed about it when I am, but don’t know how to share this with him w/o saying or showing too much. ” Wow that feels like HIDING and feels really sad to read! You CAN say it without saying too much: just keep to short feeling statements, a little at a time, give him a chance to respond. Then you can explain a bit more. “I’m feeling so stressed” (Him: what’s up?) “I’ve been feeling this for a while, it’s been building up and I haven’t mentioned it before, but business…etc… and I FEEL SO AFRAID!” (Him: what are you afraid of) See what I mean?

    But I don’t think you can’t SHOW too much! I mean, if I was in fear of losing my home I’d be in tears, shaking! I wouldn’t want to hide that from a lover.

    But keep it about YOU. Hoping he’ll bail you out will taint the whole conversation with a needy vibe. Do you truly want to be rescued? You sound like a feisty independent woman in business. You don’t have to be tough in a relationship, but I’d keep business separate, FEEL it separately even if it’s really scary. Feel all your feelings. Have a Plan B, or even a C and a D – even if it means starting over, or taking on a new business partner, or developing a new product or service. That way you release him to make his own choices about whether he wants to co-invest with you, and that’s a BIG conversation.

    Have you read the e-book? Read around the blog for lots of free stuff too, and it helps choose which programme is for you (I’m deciding which my next should be – I have Reconnect, and Heart Connections).

    I get a feeling you’re not secure in this relationship… I might be wrong of course. What I mean is – old fears can cloud new connections, or the man may not be matching our requirements yet.

    Keep posting and let us know how it goes, I get tons of support on here, I don’t post all the time but just reading helps me a lot (thanks Sirens!)

    Hugs to you xx

  45.  #45heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 1:02 am

    Triza – I LOVE your last comment – WOW there are so many insights in there I share, I particularly like ‘alignment’ – I can FEEL that. xx

  46.  #46Triza on April 1, 2010 at 1:03 am

    I was just thinking this over…..I have a best friend with whom we’ve been friends and close for a long time.We’ve shared alot together and she even asked me to be her maid of honour in her wedding.
    Now,though she’s female i’ve never really felt doubtful of the relationship or even watched and tried to analyse the conversations we have with her.
    Its an effortless but a really deep frienship that keeps getting better and better.Of course we have our hard times but i feel that because i am more open and aunthetic with her i am able to share more of myself with her…..
    When i look at my relationship with men on the other hand,they have been tensed and akward and i am always going over and over about it in my head…
    The relationship felt like such a huge hardship and occupied so much of my thoughts.It feels now as though i was holding the bare exsistence of the relationship by just thinking about it…and if i stopped the poof…there was nothing.
    Totally loving these revelations!

  47.  #47heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 1:03 am

    Yay Daria! I feel glad you responded to Kacy too xx

  48.  #48Triza on April 1, 2010 at 1:08 am

    Heart Beat,Daria….thanks and big Hugs!
    Just posting how the pieces are fitting together.
    All the previous newsletters and posts here are just starting to click.Amazing!

  49.  #49heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 1:11 am

    Triza – y’know I woke up this morning with the very same thought! I feel light and sunny inside 🙂 xx

  50.  #50heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 1:13 am

    I’ve been through the ‘beat myself up, groan at my mistakes’ phase. Maybe it’s a briar patch we all go through? Now everything feels clear! Hallelujah!

  51.  #51heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 1:21 am

    Goodheart 🙂 I will do my best hehe!

    I have no expectations, just practising. And sometimes it IS boring, at worst. I’ve learned to keep boundaries – with MYSELF. Like logging out when I feel ready, no waiting. Treating the whole thing as an experiment. And who knows – maybe dream husband (I made my list) is wending his way…

    I’m SO tempted to tell you about the young latin hunk… but later, later…. time to go windsurfing xx

  52.  #52Tina on April 1, 2010 at 1:36 am

    Daria, lol, yeah I’ll respond with that IF I ever here that coming from a guy. I’ve never heard that directed to me or even up for convo yet! lol yeah why dont you just go date your best buddy and go throw a skirt on him 🙂 where’s the romance?! sheesh

  53.  #53debbie on April 1, 2010 at 7:26 am

    my man always plays his games with me. he tries to tell me that he is going to go for a ride on his harley alone. (we always go together on it), but he never leave without me. he always says that he need time alone, so I give him all the space me possibly needs, but when we go somewere he always says are you ready to go? how do I take this? what do I say? I like going with him everywere. I don’t know anybody here were we live and it is very boring here alone. that’s why I always go with him. we have never argue

  54.  #54Lucy on April 1, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Daria, I liked what you wrote to Kacy in #41. It brought up a concern I’ve been feeling, though. With one CD guy, I am very open, authentic, and vulnerable, feeling messages, etc. and he responds very well and really takes care of me. I feel SO taken care of, though, that sometimes it feels like he’s my big brother or my therapist!! I still feel attracted to him, in spite of that, BUT I worry that HE will begin to feel more like I’m his little sister or his counselee and that it will make him lose attraction for me.

    What do you think? (Insight welcome from anyone! Thanks!)


  55.  #55Lucy on April 1, 2010 at 8:44 am

    This was my friend’s facebook status update. Yeah, unfortunately she judges men here and calls them names, which feels bad to me, but still, there’s a good message:

    “….wow, is it wrong to thank God that you are divorced? So on this April 1st I’d like to send a shout out to ALL the FOOLS, losers, and straight shitbags I made the mistake of having relationships with in the past. Thank you, if it weren’t for you I would never truly be able to appreciate what I have now. An amazing relationship with a GOOD man. One who is everything those folks could never come close to in comparison. SO, thank you God, thank you Shitbags, & thank you C.J.”

  56.  #56Turtle Girl on April 1, 2010 at 9:15 am

    I do not know your man. However I know men who ride harley’s quite well. This sounds to me like the way they keep their own “freedom” in their own mind. The fact that he lets you know he wants to go ride alone is maybe his way of convincing himself he has that option and could go any time he wanted, and yet he does not. They don’t like to feel that a woman has them under control as it were. Just my humble opinion.

    I don’t think he thinks it is any kind of game like you say. Just like we lean back or we keep our life busy so we don’t think of them all the time. Not a game. Just something we need to do so we don’t get toxic and all needy. He prolly does not want to feel all needy of you either….

  57.  #57Turtle Girl on April 1, 2010 at 9:25 am

    I have been CD now for several months. And it has saved my arse big time from being so miserable and forlorn over ex toxic man. However, the whole keep 3 guys on a string ting is really hard. I find that I get two or three who are interested and then they drop of and one hangs around. I don’t know how to keep this from not happeneing. I try and re-up the man supply, by posting new ads, etc. but I am getting to the point where this gets soooooooooo tiring.
    Is it my age?

    Man, dating sure was more fun at 25 than now.

    I have one guy who I have had 6 or 7 dates with now and he is saying stuff like” I am crazy about you”.
    Since I am not wanting to say the same thing back to him because I am trying to be honest, I don’t know what to say. I told him I like him a lot. Thats it. And thats honest, so I guess it’s fine. But I have doubts about a long term partnership with him. But I am just trying to let it all go and take it slow. No hoochy coochy yet. And he is fine with that.

  58.  #58Siena on April 1, 2010 at 9:35 am

    Turtle Girl,

    I’m in the same boat. I was on a date last night, and at one point thought, “I could sooo make you fall in love with me if I wanted to!” and then later, talking with another CD date on the phone, realized that the tools are working there too, and he’s also really interested.

    On one hand, it feels really good to know that I have options and don’t have to try too hard (now that I have these awesome tools, yay Rori!) but on the other hand, I’m not sure I want these guys to fall in love with me! It seems like it’d be a lot of work to untangle myself if that happened. And I don’t want to break any hearts, either!

    I’m not complaining, but I am feeling a little petulant and thinking if M would just come back, I could use these tools on HIM and we could be done with all this nonsense!


  59.  #59Rori Raye on April 1, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Kacy – so sorry for your business situation – and I KNOW you’re going to pull out of this…there are ways to use your skills that will make you money, and I know you’ll find them. After a year-and-a-half with a man – if you’re not sharing your inner emotional life – you’re not going as deep as you need to. Don’t do “stiff upper lip.” When you’re feeling blue and stressed, don’t hide it. He’ll ask what’s wrong. You say “I’m experiencing some stress in my business and I feel afraid to talk with you about it. I want you to think I’m totally together, and I don’t feel that way right now.” See what he does. Once you’ve expressed this as simply and softly as possible, and hopefully he hugged you and said it would be okay and gave you ADVICE (let him talk and listen to him – he’ll want to FIX this for you – LET HIM!!) – don’t bring it up again. Once the truth is out, you don’t have to do anything about it. You’ll feel better around him, more relaxed, and just focus on the FUN and GOOd feeling parts of your life and express those…Love, Rori

  60.  #60dorothea on April 1, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Ugh, please help. I broke up recently (got dumped) by my man, and at first I was like no this is for the best, because he is an alcoholic and has ladies on the side with children by most of them. But I missed him so I went to his house several nights in a row until he finally answered, and begged him to tell me how I could change to make him want me.

    So I stopped circular dating because I want to prove to him I am serious about wanting to be with him, even though we really only see each other for sex in the middle of the night. Usually I drive over there. The other night I was on my way to his mom’s house (he recently moved back in with his parents because he lost his job for being intoxicated while operating a fork lift), and I got a flat down the block from his place. So I called him and let him know that I would be late, that I had to fix my flat and could he come help me? He said no, he was feeling tired, and wanted to know when I would be there. I said 45 minutes. When I finally got there, another woman was there, and they were obviously trying to get it on with each other. He told me I took too long and was too late to get his attention that night. That there was always next time.

    Help! How do I get this man to want me. I miss him sooo much when he’s not around and want to have Happy Ever After with him.

    Thanks in advance.

  61.  #61Rori Raye on April 1, 2010 at 10:52 am

    Jeannette – Thank you for the question – it’s something that comes up a lot for us. Here’s the thing – you have to look at this from a completely different perspective. There is nothing in his answer for you – honest or not, HE makes no difference here. It makes no difference WHAT he does or WHERE he is or if he’s moved on or ANYTHING about him. The Issue here is WHAT are YOU looking for by asking? What’s going on for YOU? Why do you want to know? If you “care” about someone – then you let them go. If they contact you and you feel good talking with them only as friends, and you’re curious…well, that’s different (if you really ARE just fine with just friends and it doesn’t trigger you at all…). The fact that you have this in your mind at all tells me that you do NOT just feel ‘friend’ with him, that you have a “need” in your heart to “follow” his life…and this is what I would like to turn you away from. this is a need for “closure” – and I don’t want that for you…Love, Rori

  62.  #62Siena on April 1, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Dorothea, wow!

    If you read Rori’s response to Shel’s letter above, and just substitute your name for Shel’s, I think you’ll have your answer.

    Hugs to you!


  63.  #63Siena on April 1, 2010 at 11:43 am

    ohhh, ewww, I feel yucky. Just heard that a friend of mine is marrying her on again/off again boyfriend. She’s been miserable the whole time she’s been with him, but it’s one of those addicted things where she can’t stay away (I know how that feels).

    That triggers me BIG time. ewwww… I actually feel jealous! What is it about me that becomes jealous over this type of situation? It grosses me out, but some part of me still wants it! Is it the “I can’t live without you” that is appealing? hmmm…

  64.  #64Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Heartbeat, you are such a tease! lol

    I do not have any profiles on any dating sites now so I guess cd is no longer an option for me. Who shall I practice on? My dog is male. But, you know, he already swoons at my feet. Guess it’s the bag boy at Safeway. 🙂

    Dorothea, please tell me you are April Fooling us.

    Bad toxic man. RUN.

  65.  #65Daria on April 1, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    Lucy – I’m jus sayin.

    Just imagine this (common) myspace status

    I’d like to give a shoutout to all the broke hoes and fake bitches I went out with in the past. I got my boo boo now!! ha bitches!!

    – now please tell me how this feels, how attractive and mature this man seems, and what u think the chances of his relationship with his “boo boo” are ?

    Bagging on men is NOT ATTRACTIVE. Not only is it not attractive, it mirrors back on US as we will continue this practice of bagging with OURSELVES. When we judge someone we judge ourselves. Really slows down the process:

    instead: I feel so angry! gets into the FEELINGS and will get us healing.

  66.  #66Daria on April 1, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    dorothea – girl you’re stupid!!! quit playin!!!


  67.  #67Siena on April 1, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    oh geez, haha I’m a fool! I think my friend was playing an April Fool’s joke too. THANK GOD! I thought Dorothea had lost her mind!!! I feel so gullible!

  68.  #68heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Dorothea – that was BRILLIANT 🙂

    LMFAO xx

  69.  #69heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    Goodheart 🙂 – I’ve got a Turkish man who says he’s a masseuse chasing me now…! Younger, good-looking – maybe an April Fool – see I love it but I feel suspicious! Another great opportunity to feel my boundaries. Although I feel like being naughty in class too.


  70.  #70Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    My jealousy is running rampant Heartbeat. Is that wrong? Universe, I’ve been such a good girl. Yawn. Boring. Please send me a man to practice my nasty with 🙂

    I want to be like Heartbeat. 🙂

  71.  #71heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Sirens – I got a most lovely, warm message and a rose today from an older man on POF. But what spooked me was he started with ‘Dear Heartbeat’ – well my heart missed a beat. Turns out he googled my username – a word I made up but mentioned on here – ONCE – in a comment.

    So now he can read my deepest and now not-so-private feelings.

    I feel nervous but also steady – wondering how I’ll continue to feel with my inner life out in the open.

    My first reaction was panic – I planned to write and ask for the comment to be deleted, change my username on here and on POF. After all, if he did that, maybe some of my other POF fans did so too! OMG!!

    Any thoughts welcome xx

  72.  #72heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Goodheart – I’m sitting in my jamas with a big mug of tea – taking the easy cd route – not meeting anyone yet! I don’t feel ready. So I think you’ve been very brave getting out there on actual dates. xx

  73.  #73Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Oh whoa. That is icky Heartbeat. It would never even occur to me to google a username. I can’t believe that man did that. I would be furious! That is such an invasion.

    Did you reply to him?

    Oh this is making me mad. I want to form a Goddess Army & attack the bastage.

  74.  #74Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    I’ve been on SO many dates Heartbeat. I am thoroughly worn. Through & through. I am leaning so far back now the men will have to use a spatula to get to me 🙂

  75.  #75heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Goodheart – no I haven’t yet. I’m still feeling my way around this one. What I did was remove something I wrote as a playful challenge in my profile – ‘I wonder what L****** means to you?’ and other guys mentioned googling it, but didn’t say they’d found me HERE!!

    I may still change my username so it doesn’t happen again.

  76.  #76heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    Goodheart – LOL!!! My sides are splitting!!! Spatula – dear god I need a glass of wine now! You are so funny. And yes I also totally sympathise. Even messaging takes up a lot of energy. xx

  77.  #77Siena on April 1, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Heartbeat, wow! NOTHING happens by coincidence! You are exposed here, for sure, but isn’t that kind of what we’re all striving for? Heart exposure so that we don’t push intimacy away anymore?

    My first reaction was panic for you as well.

    But then, it feels like an interesting road you’ve found yourself on! Why not see where it takes you?

  78.  #78Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Heartbeat, I don’t know how I would reply either. I would feel very exposed & I don’t think I’d feel comfortable around this man. BUT, on the other hand, if it was a challenge in your profile, I can then understand how he would come to google it. That is something I could see myself doing. Hmm. Much to ponder.

    I would wonder if he went so far as to read your posts…

  79.  #79Turtle Girl on April 1, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    OMG!!! ROFLMFAO!!!! That’s a good one!

  80.  #80heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Siena – right on the button – that’s EXACTLY what I’m feeling! Read all you like, guys! Here I am – in all my glory – mad, sad, reflective, happy, musing, remembering, growing <3 <3 <3


  81.  #81heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Goodheart – me too! I guess I’ll find out, I feel curious… but I’m not going to ask him directly. He’ll tell me. In time. We’ll see… 😉 xx

  82.  #82Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    wow – I never thought of it that way! Yes, Siena, you are so insightful.

    This is giving me a lot to think about.

    Growth. I actually feel it.

  83.  #83Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    Isn’t that what we want? To be seen how we actually are & still feel safe & loved?

    THIS is what I need to work on. Thank you Heartbeat for sharing this with us. I am exposing myself (no trench coat needed) to you ladies. Now I need to work on being my vulnerable, authentic self with men.


  84.  #84Goodheart on April 1, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Darn, have to sign off for now. Can’t wait to catch up tomorrow.

    Love to you guys!

  85.  #85heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    Yay Goodheart!! I’m practicing that too xx

  86.  #86heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Me too – time for dinner. Til tomorrow Goodheart Love to you too! xx

  87.  #87Dan_Brodribb on April 1, 2010 at 1:04 pm

    “Sirens – I got a most lovely, warm message and a rose today from an older man on POF. But what spooked me was he started with ‘Dear Heartbeat’ – well my heart missed a beat. Turns out he googled my username – a word I made up but mentioned on here – ONCE – in a comment.

    So now he can read my deepest and now not-so-private feelings.”

    I use my real name on the internet as a way of holding myself accountable for the things I say, and I have nothing against someone googling me, but when people I don’t know very well bring up information I didn’t directly share with them in that kind of roundabout way it feels off-putting to me.

    Often they mean it as flattering (“look, I’m interested enough in you to try and find out more about you.”) but to me hinting at knowing things about you that you didn’t explicitly share feels intrusive, or like a power-play, and when it’s someone I don’t know that well, it raises a red flag for me.

  88.  #88Siena on April 1, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Goodheart, you said “I am exposing myself (no trench coat needed) to you ladies. Now I need to work on being my vulnerable, authentic self with men.”

    Yes yes yes!!! I think Rori is a genius. She’s provided this safe space where we can flex those “feeling” muscles so that when it comes time to use them, we will be able to! It will become second nature!

    Every time I say something on here that I would “never” say in real life, a little spark goes off in my brain and heart. And when I realize that others have the same feelings, experiences, etc., I become more and more bold expressing myself, so that telling my authentic truth in the moment is just becoming part of my vocabulary.

    And what I’m finding is that – you know what? – people don’t really react the way I thought they would if I expose myself. They generally appreciate me expressing myself. And if not, I find I don’t really care. Feels great!

  89.  #89heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Dan – thank you! – you’ve helped clarified my feelings, I just had an ‘aha’ moment. On the one hand I do feel ok – ish – about being ‘read’. On the other I feel uncomfortable and I’m catching that red flag.

    I’m not as clear as quickly as I’d like, I feel confused at mixed messages – and I’m getting several of those e.g. guys who flatter but push to meet right away. This is a STEEP learning curve for me. Old stuff. yes no yes no….. I’m saying NO a lot and that feels good.

    Ok I’m feeling my 11-years old self coming up – wobbly, shy, confused, afraid…

    It feels good and brave to write that.

  90.  #90tinque on April 1, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Siena – What you will discover is that most of us are for the most part not so different from one another. Most of us have similar fears, and most of us feel afraid to express our fears for fear of appearing “less than” in some way or of being taken advantage of.
    I have found that allowing yourself to be brave in being vulnerable and authentic opens this door for others, and in many cases you will find they feel such relief in that.
    It really is like a breath of fresh air.
    And for those who would look to take advantage, your instincts WILL take care of you.
    Being vulnerable does not mean being a patsy, a doormat, or whatever other word fits here.
    It means being REAL, authentic. Oh so lovable.

  91.  #91heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    I feel protected and taken care of, being answered by Dan. Because he’s a man. And I feel shaky inside – like ‘who, me?’. On the one hand THANK YOU, on the other ‘can I go hide in the coal-shed now, please’. But I’m just going to sit here. And breathe…

  92.  #92tinque on April 1, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    heartbeat – I understand. Recently as in a couple of weeks ago, my ex didn’t just find me on FB, he had to have hunted hard for me, for my name had been changed four years ago, and my e-mail address twice.
    He harassed me for awhile via personal e-mail and my site, and I did not respond, so he lost interest, (I hope).
    My point he knows now I have a blog, and he can and apparently has read some deeply intimate things about me, not that I have anything to hide per se, but it feels really uncomfortable knowing he can do this and that he can try to use it against me which he has. It feels kind of like he has a one up on me.
    And you know what? So what.
    Cyberstalking is one thing, and it doesn’t feel great but unless it turns into the real thing, whatever.
    The same with you. So he knows things about you, maybe. You haven’t met, and maybe, probably you never will.
    It’s really not such a big deal.
    Yes kind of weird he would do that. Shrug.
    It’s really okay.

  93.  #93dorothea on April 1, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    lol april fools sirens. love u

  94.  #94Daria on April 1, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Heartbeat –

    actually them trying to meet u right away is a GOOD thing.

    Rori tells us that we should have the conversation move to phone and to actual meeting (in a safe public place, for 30 min) as soon as it comes up.

    We’re looking for REAL dates in person, and nothing happens before the first meeting.

    This is why she even says, we can perhaps give a new man teh benefit of the doubt and return a messageless call, or give him the number without him asking online, to see if he will STEP UP AND ASK FOR A DATE!

    because before the first meeting, theres NOTHING.

  95.  #95heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    Daria – thank you, I totally agree – before meeting, there’s no relationship. And what I’m noticing in myself are two things: wanting to push away men I’m not immediately attracted to, and feeling some of the ‘old’ nervousness around men who I do feel interested in. I’m in no hurry for a relationship, I have plenty work on myself, though if it happens, it happens. Not being a YES girl is, for me, about really trusting myself, staying with the correspondence instead of running away or being glib, being totally honest or simply enjoying flirting, not rushing. And that feels GOOD! Also – I really want energy for reconnecting with things I used to enjoy, so I’m going out more, meeting new people and old friends. It would feel great to meet someone in person. xx

  96.  #96heartbeat on April 1, 2010 at 2:44 pm

    Tinque – I really like you’re ‘so what’ attitude! I felt much the same after my initial panic. After all, whose right is it to judge? And since we’re not judging ourselves (unless the NV takes over) it feels LIBERATING to not get into reactivity. I’m picking up from what you wrote (I felt quite dismayed at what happened btw) discomfort at his reading intimate stuff. I don’t know if I’m being read, and I feel a bit self-conscious as I write, as if that person is reading over my shoulder at first but then further away… I share your so-what, and would feel MORE uncomfortable and defensive trying to hide or cover up. I’ve thought about this a lot recently, like what if someone I know were reading my comments, perhaps even my ‘ex’… but I would like me and find me endearing and quite possibly perhaps in a British sort of way love me if I read me on the internet lol!
    Love and hugs

  97.  #97Vicki Kerns on April 1, 2010 at 3:09 pm

    Hello sirens-happy Easter to everyone. I have a leaning back question. My old friend/lover/friend is back “somewhat” in my life. We have been chatting some on the phone (he calls me). In fact, I was a bit proud of myself a couple of weeks ago. He loves Jeff Dunham and I saw where he is going to be in concert in our town in August so I forwarded him the email I had gotten about it. He called me that evening all excited and asked me if I might be able to go online early (since he doesn’t have computer access at work) and get a couple of good seats for him and he’d pay me back (said he wants to take his daughter, yeah, whatever). At first, I did my old, “sure I can do that” self. But knowing that I’m working on my “stronger” siren self, I called him back the next day (I was nervous as hell too) and said that I was focusing on what was best for me these days and that one of my biggest pitfalls was always trying to be a people pleaser. Now I probably shouldn’t have explained any of that, but I did tell him that after having slept on it, that I just felt uncomfortable doing this big of a favor for him at this point. And he was OK with that. Yes, I should have told him no from the get-go, but I am a siren in training and a lifetime of habits are sometimes more difficult to break. But ladies, I did feel empowered.

    In fact, I’ve told a few other people no lately and it really feels good. Anyway, he keeps calling and we’ve been having some fun chats. And yes, I am working on circular dating. In fact, a very handsome guy from and I have been chatting back and forth. He’s moving back to the area soon and he’s at a point in his life where he wants a relationship with someone special. So, we’ll see. Yes Rori, I am leaning way back. I’m listening to the CDs and I’m going to have fun.

    But I digress, my question is, my old friend/lover/friend again may have to have heart surgery to remove a blockage. I would like to be there is some form for support. Is there a lean-back formula for someone you care about who’s in the hospital? I don’t want to smother or mother but I would like to show I care and am supportive. What do you think ladies? Rori?

  98.  #98Daria on April 1, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Vicki – when he contacts you I would say… oh I feel so concerned about your surgery and will feel really relieved when it’s over and everything is ok…

  99.  #99Daria on April 1, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Ps – no more forwarding him e-mails about his favorite artist!!

  100.  #100Daria on April 1, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    PPS – awesome awesome job at saying no! you are a Goddess, not a ticket vendor! yay!!!

    that was really brave to go back and say no after you had said yes! yaY!!!

  101.  #101Simply Shannon on April 1, 2010 at 3:55 pm

    Subscribing and late to the game as always. 😉

  102.  #102dan_brodribb on April 1, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    Heartbeat – It feels good to be appreciated. Thanks.

    Have fun

  103.  #103dorothea on April 1, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    I have a hard time with jealousy and suspicion. As a rule of thumb I no longer bring up suspicions without actual proof. But it feels like I’m being torn up inside when I feel jealous. I need a tool. ayyyyyyyyy

  104.  #104dorothea on April 1, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    rori’s latest e letter helps me a lot with feeling like i have to watch myself or be on eggshells when i finally fall for a guy. thank u!

  105.  #105EarthDancer on April 1, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    DARIA #30: I am TOTALLY with you, girl…

    ggrrrrrrrrrr…The light-bulb comes on at different times for each of us…breathe, breathe, breathe – and if you can’t do that, just scroll down w/o reading the post 🙂

    Dorothea – oh my, I was about to ask you if you were crazy… 🙂 LMAO for sure!

    Sending all you lovely Sirens *hugs* I love reading all your posts…a true community spirit here which is quite beautiful, thank you for opening your hearts and sharing your stories with us …

  106.  #106Orna Walters on April 1, 2010 at 9:37 pm

    Request for Happy Ending Story is below. <3

    I think to really appreciate it, its important to know how bleak it was for a time. . .

    This post reminds me of me when I was having an affair with a married man. It reminds me of this because of Rori's response. At that time I was settling for crumbs, convinced that I was "in love," thought that if I was _____________ enough (pretty, funny, smart, etc.) that he would be with me (and somehow be faithful to me).

    I had to do the inner work on me. As I shifted on the inside my outside world shifted too.

    When I decided to treat myself respectfully this was mirrored back at me. I practiced. I practiced with my friends, with men I dated and I practiced in relationships. I continued to search for the gifts when things didn't turn out as I had hoped.

    Then one day a guy in my business networking group called me to set up a time to meet one-on-one to network – my life hasn't been the same because that guy turned out to be my soul mate, my Beloved, my husband.

    I didn't know it at the time, but while I was working me, he was working on him! He really wanted to be in a spiritual partnership and he did the inner work necessary for him to break his old patterns. We worked our way to be with each other!

    Today we have a business together empowering couples and singles to transform their relationship with themselves so they can undeniably feel LOVED!

    You can read more of our story here:

    I know it is possible for EACH of you to have what you truly desire in relationship. I know this is true because I did it – and if I did it, then you can do it too!

    There is someone out there who is doing work on himself to be ready for You!

    BIG hug to each of you!

  107.  #107tinque on April 2, 2010 at 8:31 am

    I just came across this article and wanted to share. It’s says it all from a woman who has been there.

  108.  #108Tina on April 2, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    I feel disturbed , I”ve been reading up on gaslighting.

  109.  #109Siena on April 2, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    I feel awful. Old. Like I wasted some really good years in a situation just like Shel. It feels like I’m under assault with my thoughts. I’ll be going along in my day – working or doing something else – and all of a sudden, a memory of an old friend will pop into my head, and I’ll think – yep, she’s married too, has been for 10 years now with 4 kids (or whatever). And I look back and wonder, what the HELL have I been doing with my life? WHY didn’t I learn these lessons when I was younger? I wish there was a time machine where I could go back and just say ‘no’ and turn around and walk away…

    It’s like a fight to keep myself in the present moment. I’ve been trying to be gentle with myself when these thoughts surface, but it still feels awful!

    And then I get angry at myself for feeling this way, and think – if you don’t stop thinking this way, you’ll never beat it, and you REALLY WILL end up alone! And now I feel exhausted. But even rest is difficult because I feel like I’m wasting precious time resting.

    Tinque, I HATE that story you posted! She should have known! I don’t want to be that woman, but I feel like I have been – to one extent or another. And that line about wasting childbearing years really really triggered me. God, I hope I haven’t done that!

    I feel pissed off, because WHY didn’t I know this stuff earlier? Where were the people who could have taught me these things back then?

    And then I feel really ungrateful because I am surrounded by beauty and have people in my life who really love me and who I love… but it’s not enough without that one true love!

    But I also feel all eyes are on me, and that people kindof shake their heads sadly when they think of me. I can’t tell you how many times a month I get the question of whether I’ve found anyone yet. Or asking what happened with M.

    Last night I was at a networking event and I was introduced to another person as “My friend Siena. I found her her honey (referring to M).” And I must have given a weird look, because she clarified, “well, they WERE perfect for eachother, and a real match. And Siena thinks he made a mistake, and I think he made a mistake, but he just wasn’t in that space.” I haven’t talked to M since we broke up, so she must have been talking to him…

    Yuck!! ewww! That feels really really awful to be at a work event and introduced as the woman who lost her man!

    Oh, I feel like a failure…

  110.  #110Daria on April 2, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Siena Siena you are beautiful princesa. all that you have learned and now you are at the last tsubo of your meridian. are you ready to step out in this new journey? u are wanted and u are needed to fulfill this path of you. the flower people and the time glass turners have been waiting for u. they are getting ready for the big celebration . what is next that is so different from before? will you get to use your past lessons? are you ready? because u are going. float on and be received by all to be congratulated. you made it. we are happy. whats next? what will she do? we are looking. we are into u. we love u . yay siena is our call. shes reached the last tsubo. shes coming on to the time of the new adventure. she made it. she made it. here comes siena. look. you can see her. this is is her last tsubo. the ocassion of a great celebration. shes a great warrior and a great teacher and a doctor and magiquess.. there she goes. look look she flames in colors.. wow. remember we are blessed to have seen her. now she will go on in a grand way. its time for the new. there she comes on the finish line and floats thru it. wow. wow wow. amazing timing. amazing grace. amazing past. incredible. can you believe she made it? she makes it look so easy. there she is… wow . shes way past the finish line now. shes onto her adventure… wow… what a remarkable day this is for us. feel the excitement . we can grab fistfulls of excitement in the air like cotton candy… mmm… what an event. save some for me. or no u eat it. ill get more of my own. so good. so relieved that we got here in time to see her. wow. its really something isnt it

  111.  #111Cindy on April 2, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Wow Tina! I was reading about the same thing this past week. I feel like my bf is gaslighting me all the time. Last night we had an amazing night out of the blue. He gave me money for a massage and to get my nails done. He even apologized for the way he’s been acting. He said what he already knew which was because his business has been very slow he has been really down on himself…& “whoever he’s around” he pretty much takes it out on. Since he is closer to me than anyone, he lashes out on me. So it meant a lot that he acknowledged my feelings and how he’s been acting. But should I still have hope he will change?

  112.  #112Siena on April 2, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Oh Daria, thank you for that post! So beautiful!

    I feel like a little girl crying on her mother’s lap…do you really think that I could be done with this period in my life? Oh I hope so!

    You know what? I can FEEL it! My dreams are saying it, people who come into my life as messengers are saying it… now you say it too!

    “A great warrior and a great teacher and a doctor and magiquess…” ohhh, I love it, I really really do!

    Thank you thank you thank you.

    I feel a little neurotic. But this is me – neurotic, weak/strong, happy/sad, loving/jealous, smart/naive Siena. Love me or not, this is who I am… 😉

  113.  #113LeAnne on April 2, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    Rori and Sirens, I’ve really goofed up and could use your experienced advice. I met a nice man through True Christian dating site and I was sure he was the one for me. He told me he was dating a “student” and she would be going back to AK soon. He didn’t call or email me for a month after we met. I dated several other men, but had this one man on my mind. We can’t help who we’re attracted to, can we? Then he emailed and asked me to go to dinner with him. I asked him if the woman he was dating had gone back home and if he was keeping in touch with her. He said she had gone home to AK and no-he was not in touch with her. Lie #1. Turns out he had been calling a lady-friend who lives in AZ – where he lived for 20 years – also. Lie #2. Over 2 months that we were dating I found out he called those two women almost 200 times, Lie #3, but called me only 30 times. He wasn’t that into me and I know it now. However, during the 3rd month of dating, he told me he wanted to be exclusive and we started sharing a house while repairs were done on my other house. He finally changed his phone number in December after 2 months of living together, and after another email from AK, he cancelled the email address in February. It’s April and I’ve been on a rollercoaster of emotions. He says he loves me and wants to be with me only for the rest of our lives. He says he doesn’t have any contact with the other women. I can’t believe him. He’s secretive, and has lied to me about little things that didn’t matter since the other lies, so why should I believe anything he says. I’m tired of playing detective. I care for him deeply, but I can’t get back the feeling I had before I discovered his lies and realized it wasn’t me he wanted at all. My house repairs are finished. Should I move back to the other house and try to start over with him, dating again, and let him decide who he wants to be with, or continue living with him and try to believe him? He’s very attentive, helpful and loving. But I know he didn’t want ME. From what he had said, I thought he didn’t like talking on the phone! I know this is just phone conversations but the emotional affair part went along with it – that’s obvious. Help, please. I’ve already called myself stupid and dumb a million times, so if you think that, too, it’s OK.

  114.  #114Tina on April 2, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Cindy, My situation was this My ex husband (were still married but I call him my ex husband) bought me a watch for V day or some special day, anyway, the watch went missing, I thought I had lost on one of my 45 min walk. I told him about it, I felt guilty. I searched every where. He even “acted” annoyed that I lost it. The watch showed up about a month later on top of the dresser! He never said a word about it. He has done similiar type things. I’m still convinced or partially , that I am ‘crazy” or “paranoid. Never mind talking about my feelings, that would not have gone over well with him. I dont want to even start thinking about other examples of this type of behaviour. He ALMOST had my family thinking that I was the one with the PROBLEM. He was a closet coke addict too, so who knows, maybe comes with the territory. Most importantly , my need for approval and my low self esteem is what attracted this guy to me and I did agree to marry him ugh! the last few months of our marriage, he couldnt get an erection because of all his coke use, he said to me he was no longer physcially attracted to me lol. I’m sooooooooooo glad we ended our relationship. I crawled away but yeah, I got out.

  115.  #115BigLuv on April 2, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    I hope Shel realizes her “worth” and steps away from that game.
    Just read Tinque’s ring story. It helped me with my own desire for a ring and marriage. I’ve been to Tiffany’s and found a simple platinum band that feels like I’m not wearing a ring at all which is useful to me because I’m always doing things with my hands and I would quickly knock a stone out of it’s finding by snagging it or knocking it into something. More power to those sirens who get to enjoy their “sparklies.”

  116.  #116Rori Raye on April 2, 2010 at 10:48 pm

    EarthDancer, Welcome, and look forward to hearing more from you. Love, Rori

  117.  #117heartbeat on April 3, 2010 at 1:20 am

    Siena – just wanted to send BIG MASSIVE HUGS to you ((xxxxxxxxxx))

    “But this is me – neurotic, weak/strong, happy/sad, loving/jealous, smart/naive Siena. Love me or not, this is who I am… ;-)”

    Now ditch ‘neurotic’ (who told you that?) pulease!

    I feel the march of time too – last year I turned 50 and began a grieving process – for not being married and having a family, for my body starting to ache etc. It was, and still as sometimes, painful. It helps if I just kick and cry through it. And I’m now really beginning to feel that the best years lie ahead. We don’t seem to have rites of passage for these landmarks in our lives, so the only thing for me is to make my own. I’m imagining a special trunk that contains everything I want to take with me on my journey forward, and a pile of stuff I’m leaving behind.

  118.  #118sia on April 3, 2010 at 7:51 am

    you wrote it so beautifully for siena, you are so talented, it feels so true

    Off the topic, I also like joking on this site – when you say leaning super extra special forward
    or: excuse me, I am attracted, where’s my ring?
    I was chuckling quietly for a while when I read that

    I liked dorothea’s april fool post too

  119.  #119tinque on April 3, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Siena – I want to add here that things come to us when we are ready to receive them.
    Maybe others seem “more together” to you or have “gotten” these things sooner than you, but chances are this is not true.
    I could lament that I wasted my best years with my ex, all thirteen and 1/2 of them, so many, but in retrospect, in all of those years, I learned SO much.
    If K had some to me before he did, I would not have been ready for him, and it would likely have not worked out.
    If you had heard of these tools here sooner, it’s likely they would not have resonated with you.
    I applaud you for being here at all. It takes great courage to do this kind of work on you.
    And I love all parts of you, even the neurotic parts, maybe those the best.
    That story I posted will never be you. You are far too aware now and love yourself too much. YES?

  120.  #120Soignée on April 3, 2010 at 9:00 am

    Dear Ladies,

    as for Siena, and Tinque.
    I have the same question, why did I not know a lot of things in the past. I would have lived the better years.
    But now knowing this, I have an urge to live, to live better, to not waste my every minute of it thinking of negative people, of people who hurt me.
    I want to make me gorgeous, to make me smile. I want to be a beautiful goddess.

    When I get older, I want to be not a bitter grand-mother, but a smily beautiful, modern woman.

    So I realize that I have to put away my bitterness, also about the past, about the hurting past events, about the hurting negative people.

    I want to make my credo (creede?) where I write things I lived and which worked for me, my wise thoughts which I will read every morning to make sense to my days. Because today is today, but the days I am given, the years, maybe many, many of them, I want them as beautiful as possibe. I want to create every new page of my life, every day of my life like a painter, like an artist and filling them with beauty, colours, kindness, love.

    But as in the past I received a lot of pain being too vulnerable with the people who did not care for me, I will be vulnerable only with the people who care, who know me, who WANT to know me. I will be closed for other people. I will act in the best way, classy, gracious, kind towards the people I do not know. But if someone hurts me, I will react.

    I realized that a lot of people are envious of me, I could not believe, I loved them, but I was taken advantage of. So it won’t be repeated.
    I will create day-by-day, step-by-step the days, the moments, the emotions filled with beauty. That when I get old, that I remember how beautiful were my years!!!

    Ok, everybody of us made mistakes in the past. But the main mistake certainly was, we did not enjoy our life, we concentrated too much on ugliness, on pain, on people who did not deserve us, who were not good for us. CHOOSING!! This is an important word. We have the power to choose, good or bad thoughts, good or bad food, good of bad environment, good or bad cloths, good or bad feelings. What is good or what is bad, everybody knows for themselves, but knowing that there is this power to be able to choose, this makes difference.

    Thank you Ladies!!!!

  121.  #121Siena on April 3, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Heartbeat, Tinque, Soignee, Daria, thank you all!

    I feel a lot better this morning. It feels really good to get that all off my chest, and to hear the support and love come back to me – thank you!

    I often think of this period of my life as my emotional bootcamp. Tinque, I totally believe what you said about when I’m ready to receive, it will come. I believe that, so I’m expunging all the bad stuff as quickly as I possibly can without hurting myself! This forum is great for that, because I can FEEL the love and concern coming back to me from so many sirens!

    Regarding age – the truth is, we are all growing older. Time is the one thing in life that we have no control over – it keeps on ticking whether we like it or not. And that nonsense about time “flying” is just that… nonsense. It never wavers, is always the same – always marching forward, but never flying.

    My meditation and lesson for this time is to learn how to live in the present moment, which is the only thing that is real. And I am soooo very blessed to have found you ladies to help me by sharing your own stories and fears to help me to see that I am not alone at all, and that my experience is actually very common. Which MEANS (drumroll please) that a happy ending, which I see everywhere (Tinque, Orna, Rori, others) can be as much mine as it is anyone else’s. Yay yay yay!

  122.  #122Daria on April 3, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Soignee –

    I’ve heard you say this a lot and I feel concerned and tightened up.

    “But as in the past I received a lot of pain being too vulnerable with the people who did not care for me, I will be vulnerable only with the people who care, who know me, who WANT to know me. I will be closed for other people”

    Many of us have felt this way. The solution is not to be closed. That perpetuates the problem. The solution is to open and TRUST OURSELVES and our boundaries that they will protect us now.

    I feel sad to hear you write this. Rori’s stuff is about Dismantling defenses. I’d feel happy to hear that you are shifting on this…

    Closing off will NOT protect us, though it seems it will. Opening up to the world is actually just as, even MORE safe, because we are aware of what really is… and now that we have boundaries, we can trust that WE will keep ourself safe no matter what…

    I feel scared to think that you would miss out on this and be stuck…

  123.  #123Goodheart on April 3, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    Siena, what you wrote above about wanting a time machine to go back in time & say NO – I could’ve written that myself. (I saw Hot Tub Time Machine the other night & was actually thinking that!) In fact, reading it was like reading my own thoughts. Except I would go back & say Yes. Yes yes YES. To so many things I was too uptight to say yes to then. I would’ve had tons more sex 🙂 I would’ve given the nice but plain guys a real chance. I would’ve gone on those trips instead of worrying about college or bills. And yes, I look at others I know who have it all – seem to anyway & wonder why the heck I didn’t learn things earlier. I don’t know. I guess we have to trust in divine timing & I do, yet I do still feel pangs of sadness thinking the best years are behind & the child-bearing.

    But I also know that this type of thinking is what got me here in the first place. And all of you are helping to turn that around for me. It’s a process. The pangs still come. And I believe deep deep within me that the absolute right man will come to me & he will be worth this journey. And there still may be children. Adopted, surrogated (huh?), somehow. Because no other man would’ve been the right father for my kiddos.

    We cannot wallow. We musn’t. (though it’s easier sometimes). Love is great whenever it comes. So I will make a pact with you – whenever either of us starts to sleep & feel regrets & want to head for that hot tub time machine, we will lean on each other & press on. I believe Daria, we are almost there. Please God let it be so.

    Much love to you – you are so close. If you can make then I know I can. So do it for me 🙂

  124.  #124Siena on April 3, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Goodheart, you said “So I will make a pact with you – whenever either of us starts to sleep & feel regrets & want to head for that hot tub time machine, we will lean on each other & press on.”

    You have a deal!

    I have post-it notes and quotes all over my house to keep me encouraged, and here’s one that really has helped me when I start to feel down:

    “The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.” – quote by Scottish mountaineer William Hutchinson Murray

    This really helps me. I know I made that commitment when M broke up with me and I turned and moved the other way rather than wait for him. Rather than doing anything to “fix” the relationship, I let him go. Did the turnaround, started CD, working on myself, and never ever contacted him.

    I made the commitment then to love, marriage, family and babies rather to one specific man whom I loved. Very very very scary, and sooo unlike what I have done in the past. But I’m willing to trust that my commitment has put “a whole stream of events” in motion.

    When I miss M, I say to myself, “okay, I really miss him right now. But I choose love, marriage, family and babies.”

    That helps, it really does!

    Love and hugs,


  125.  #125Siena on April 3, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    PS: Finding this blog and Rori’s products is one of those “material assistance” things that the quote refers to. I made the commitment before I found Rori or this blog…before I even knew what I was doing to chase my man away. So this space is an answer to that commitment, and I know that it’s true!

  126.  #126Lucy on April 3, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    Siena, I really like this: ‘When I miss M, I say to myself, “okay, I really miss him right now. But I choose love, marriage, family and babies.” ‘

    I will make mine — When I miss him, I will say to myself, “I really miss him right now, but I choose to have a man who is as crazy about me as I am about him.”

    Thanks, Siena!


  127.  #127Cindy on April 3, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    Tina –
    I am glad you got out too! My relationship with R has been a roller coaster, but not as bad as you describe. I have a feeling he is bi-polar because he struggles with depression a lot. He also has a very hard time getting over arguments, it takes him days to cool off and even talk to me again. I have read that is how bi-polar people are. He can be very hot headed and blames arguments on me. A lot of these things happen when we go “our for drinks” and I also read alcohol can trigger bi-polar people.
    There are times when he seems more patient and rational, but I really wish it was more often.
    So far I have stuck it out and we are spending Easter together…although he didn’t say a word until I asked about it. He is very irresponsible about things. I want to think that there’s hope…but I am no saint either. Because I am insecure I am very distrustful of him and accuse him of things which hurts him and triggers him to need time away. Part of my insecurity is that he refuses to answer his phone or talk at all for days after a fight. If this one thing changed I think our relationship would be a lot better. Have a happy holiday!

  128.  #128Tina on April 3, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Cindy, My mom told me the same thing , I was telling her I was unhappy but not in the way I would say how I feel now, I’ve come a long way, she said “stick it out”. I feel unhappy reading that you are “sticking it out” 🙁

  129.  #129Tina on April 3, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Cindy, continue to do here what we all are doing here, which is to find your feelings, working on our self esteem, learning what our boundries are, experimenting with boundries , not his, YOURS! this will give you something to do while your sticking it out 🙂

  130.  #130TW on April 3, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    Hi guys…

    I am up pretty late just thinking about some things. From other post you probably already know that my BF and I have been going through some difficulty and I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship and he says that he is not sure but he is not putting forth any effort to make me feel as though he wants to stay. We spend no time together. We barely talk and the intimacy is almost non existant as well. I have a problem with setting boundaries and sticking with them. I text him the other night and told him how I felt and that if he wanted to end the relationship then just text me back and let me know. I know texting was impersonal but I just had surgery and it is still a bit difficult to talk. This man put marriage on the table and we talked about so many things that we wanted to do together but all of that seems like a distant memory. I do not know how to turn it around. I know I need to date and focus more of my energy on myself but I miss him a lot. Do I need to stop contacting him or do I need to just end things on my own and move on.

  131.  #131Soignée on April 3, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Dear Daria,

    thank you for your post. In my experience, certainly it is personal, I was too open toward the people I did not know. So I have to moderate to be open, because not everyone is happy when you are happy. I had so many problems because of this. So I can and want to be open when I can trust people. I am not afraid to tell my truth, but I do not need to open myself to everybody. This is the issue. And for people who care, who do want to care, I will communicate in this way.
    In a private relationship, when i can trust a man or a friend, I can be open. But for other people I do not know, I do not have to explain my truth.
    My problem was that I trusted people and it was exagerated. This is the issue. I could not believe someone would be mean with me, why to be mean if I am good with people? I could hardly believe the friends I considered them in this way, I was open, vulnerable, expressed my boundaries, .. but a lot of them took only advantage of this information. A lot of them were envious of me, because they saw my success, they knew something about me, but they used this information not for my good. The same with men. That’s why I will express my boundaries and tell my truth only to people who proved deserving trust, this is my issue. And I feel I am right for me.

  132.  #132Polli on April 4, 2010 at 4:27 am

    Happy Easter Everyone

    I have the type of email system that picks out key words of what you are writing and then “magically”, web sites appear that correspond. I considered that a nuisance at first. Rori’s web site appeared all the time. Apparently I was talking ALOT to my best friend about my not so great relationship. Finally out of curiosity I opened it up and looked at it and started reading it. Wow, am I glad that i did!!! I have said before, that to me, this is Rori University and I study and learn here. Sometimes, I get the emails from Rori and whatever the topic is about that day seems to fit wherever I am on this particular roller coaster. I don’t believe that is by chance, anymore than I believe that I stumbled on here by chance. I have learned so much from all of you. It is amazing that we all are pretty much the same, going through the same things, learning the same things in life, etc. I have thought many times, that what if my email provider had not had that benefit? I most likely would have not found this wonderful website with you wonderful people on it, who teach me so much. I realize now, that it was meant for me to find this site. I only changed email services a few months ago. I think God knew I needed some real help with my relationship and my issues. Dealing with my hurtful past and so on.
    I want to thank Rori and all of you for being here! I have learned so much……I will probably never graduate, but that is very much ok…..

  133.  #133Lori on April 4, 2010 at 5:33 am

    Lucy and Siena,

    Thanks, I needed this right now. “I miss him right now, but I choose to have a man who is as crazy about me as I am about him.”

  134.  #134Goodheart on April 4, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Sienna, good, we do have a deal. And feel we’ve already been helping each other. All the ladies on here are our support.

    I love the quote, but I like what you said even better. That you choose love, marriage, family & babies” instead of “a man’ Bravo. Stick to your dreams. Be loyal to them instead of man who can’t give you your dreams.

    One of my best friends has a husband who supports her in every endeavor. She once said to him, “honey, what is your dream? What do you want?” And he said, “you’re my dream.

    Aww. I want that. We will get that, Siennal. We all will.

    HAPPY EASTER all you sirens!

  135.  #135Rori Raye on April 4, 2010 at 2:48 pm

    LeAnne, Welcome, and there’s so much to talk about in your comment – I’d like to start with simply asking you to stop beating yourself up. Treating yourself badly is what got you into hot water of being treated badly by a man. If you believe him to be lying – then you’ll have to make a decision based on that…And…though you can’t help who you’re attracted to – you certainly have complete control over everything you do about that attraction…so — let’s start with that…Love, Rori

  136.  #136Goddess Apriluv on April 5, 2010 at 10:43 am


    OMGoodness! From one Goddess to another, don’t waste your time! Don’t! DO NOT expend anymore energy on this man! Use your energy for yourself! I have been through situation. Recently, I had moved in with a man only to discover less than a month after moving in, he “didn’t feel he needed to be THAT committed!” In other words, he wanted me to remain living with him and to “wait to see what happens!” In astonishment, I immediately began to pack my bags! Had I had used the tools Rori has shared with us, I would not have made the mistake of 1. moving in with a man without the understanding of what I WANT which is an emotionally healthy relationship leading to marriage! Now that I know better, I am circuit dating as Rori recommends. Through circuit dating and using Rori’s tools, I am learning to be develop a quiet strength. I am focusing on what I want and know to be emotionally healthy for me. For me, before becoming exlusive with any man, he must demonstrate over TIME, that he has what it takes to have an emotionally healthy relationship. Through circuit dating, I am able to better detect and measure, men and their ability to come close; “dance and exchange energy” in the relationship bubble. I am still learning to “lean back” and allow men to initiate, give and feel compelled to be close to me. All I need to do is to “allow him to row the relationship boat.” And if I detect the boat is headed in a direction that is not healthy for me, I will bale out BEFORE becoming emotionally and physically exclusive no matter what he saids. A couple of the guys I’m dating have expressed a desire to make me exclusive and are doing all they can to “impress” me, but I need to wait and give it some time to see whether they have the stamina and emotional maturity/availability for a commited relationship/marriage. I am learning to trust myself and allow enough time for them to prove they are worthy of me. It’s a man’s nature to spur the relationship along to become physical with you and give you the impression that they want to be “exclusive” and desire marriage, but it is only after an extended amount of time dating and getting to know them do you discover whether he is truly the right one for YOU! I am fifty two and I’m still learning 🙂 I use Rori’s tools everyday!

  137.  #137Faustina on April 5, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Oops. I made a mistake, ladies. I got attached to a guy who doesn’t even live in this country. We dated/had sex for a couple of weeks before he left for his job. I thought I could handle it and not get attached but I’m learning that it’s not so easy.

    He offered to fly me out to visit him.

    Should I accept his offer? I feel like he’s a very good person has good intentions/not a serial killer. I don’t like that I would be delivering myself to him, but we both want to explore whether there’s more to this so we (he) can make a decision about where he works.

    So – I don’t go, we have no info to go on, and we’re both too reasonable to do anything rash without having more time together in person. I do go, it could be a disaster, might be stuck there with someone I don’t like, no where to hide, etc.

    As of right now I’ve said to him “I reserve trips like that for a serious boyfriend.” and he responded, lightheartedly “How am I going to get to be a serious boyfriend if I never see you?” Good point.

    He treated me really well – called me every night to say sweet dreams, was very forthcoming about his situation, and still calls me from every exotic location he travels to 🙂 But he’s not HERE. Dang. I am usually not this girl.

    Any advice? I appreciate it! Peace.

  138.  #138Jennifer on April 6, 2010 at 9:03 am

    Hello Godesses.
    Here’s an interesting turn of events for those who have been patient enough and around long enough to know my back story.
    To the new godesses.
    I left a six year relationship in Nov. I did not feel good with B. He lied to me at every opportunity.
    I have spent the last several months waffling. Did I do the right thing? Is he going to try to change? Bla Bla Bla.
    Yesterday I woke up feeling for the first time that I was glad I had left him.
    I went to visit his sister (she has a mild intellectual disability) to help her with her developmental delayed sons. She had been at easter dinner with her whole family and when I got there looked me in my face and in a sad voice said “I wish you were still around”
    When I asked why, she replied “when you were around you always made him stop bugging me. He was giving me a hard time cause I dripped gravy all over the table.”
    And ya know what? She’s right. He does that. He always had snide comments about her at the dinner table, her table manners, her appetite, her cleanliness etc.
    Then she goes on to say that when she tried to defend herself and tell him what for, the mother jumped in and told her not to talk to her brother that way.
    W T F?!?!?!?!
    It never got to that level when I was there…I always gave him shit and made him stop right away.
    Now, until we broke up, he was not completely aware that she was delayed. She had not told him that she had gone to the geneticist and gotten diagnosed with some syndrome or another. But while we were breaking up I not only told him…but I told him that it was part of the problem I had with him and his family. That they treated the sister so poorly…they assumed she was lazy. They never heard her when she told them what was going on.
    But really…now he knows. And has known since November. So there’s no excuse for that behaviour now….
    I feel glad that I left him. He clearly doesn’t think he HAS to treat anyone any better. His mommy said so.
    So I told my sister and brother what happened.
    And today on POF I found a man in a nearby town who has an intrest in antiques and books and cooking and archaeology.
    When I asked him how he felt about the theory of diffusionism…HE UNDERSTOOD THE QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!\
    Shut the fuck up!!!

  139.  #139Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Jennifer, YAY! Now you are seeing a man you thought was wonderful in a differenty light. And you’re seeing that you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! And it looks like the universe is sending you proof. This is amazing & it gives me hope. The man who broke up with me a few months ago still comes into my mind (& heart) at certain times. Usually when I’m doing something that we used to do together like hiking, but I quickly squash that feeling. He has not even tried to contact to me like a lot of exes have in the past. I also hear about that a lot on here. But this guy truly just dumped me & forgot me & I don’t think that’s ever happened before. But, you know what? I think that’s a good thing – because it shows how very little he cared & it helps me step on any thought of him & squish it like an annoying bug.

    I’m so glad your feelings are changing around B. It is very clear that he was nowhere near good enough for you & you just needed to realize that. And believe it. 🙂


  140.  #140Siena on April 6, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I LOVE how this happens. I just cleared my Internet cache for the first time in a while. Sort of a Spring Cleaning of my computer.

    But then, when I started typing the address for this website, a pre-set link came up (meaning that the ‘clearing the cache’ worked on every other link that I’ve visited here except for this one). And here’s the link:

    Full of inspiration, trust, hope, good energy. I absolutely love it! And I must have read this post at one point, but I don’t remember it at all.


  141.  #141TW on April 6, 2010 at 10:53 am

    Hello ladies-

    I am trying to catch up with post but in the midst of doing that I will post my own. Well as some of you may remember I was dating the guy that told me he was unsure as to whether he wanted to leave the relationship or not and because he was so busy with other things he did not feel as though things were fair to me. Now after months of whining and complaining about the same thing and nothing getting better I was the one that asked him did he want to break up and that is where the unsure part came from. I felt as though this arrangement was unfair to me so I said that I felt like being in a relationship and not being in one was unfair to me and maybe we should take a break and I asked him what he thought and he said ok. Well after that he sent me funny sexual text that are just general forwards but he was not the one for texting me like that anymore if he even text at all. So now comes the harder part. I prayed and asked God for guidance on what to do and I know eventually that I will get my answer but something weird happened to me today. I counsel people on a daily basis and rarely take face to face appointments, they are generally done by phone. Anyway, I had a face to face today and this woman was telling me about the place she retired from which just so happens to be the place that he is employed and she told me that people that work there have a really hard time at relationships because of the crazy schedule and the toll it takes on them mentally and physically and that maybe the constant reminder that he was not making me happy by spending time with me made him pull away but she did say she was not defending him because he needed to make me a part of his life but now I am unsure if the break is a good or a bad thing. Yes I initiated it because I thought that it would be a good idea for us to have some breathing room but I love him a lot and miss the thought of having him in my life but I want to be valued as a person and not spend ALL of my time alone with him not stepping up. What do you ladies suggest?

  142.  #142TW on April 6, 2010 at 10:56 am


    That is sad how your ex treated his sister whether she had a disability or not but I am glad you found a guy that is interesting to you. I can not wait to hear more…

  143.  #143Vicki Kerns on April 6, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Wow, talk about a topic, God told him to! I’ve heard of passing the buck, but holy smoke (literally). Hang in there, Shel. I remember a similar situation with puppetguy. In 2008, before I moved back to KC and he and I had been “connecting” on a much deeper level than we ever had, I was listening to a Joel Osteen sermon (he’s such a positive speaker), and I remember sitting at my computer when Joel said, “Have you ever had a dream in your heart that, no matter what you do, it just won’t go away?” I cried out, “Yes.” He said, “That’s a God-given dream.”

    Now, things have never quite turned out that “dreamy” between us. I’ve always felt that this guy was my soul mate. And I’ve tried to analyze (not good) and figure out just why we’ve never been able to connect. He’s not ready. I’m not ready. And yes, I agree with that. But while I am getting stronger every day, I know in my heart that he is not ready, not getting ready, not even close to ready, and probably has no plans in the near future to be ready. I remember him crying to me that he was afraid of relationships and always picked the wrong kind of women. And here I was, NOT that type of woman, sitting right in front of him, but he was, and still is, too blinded by his own past that he still allows himself to wallow in to see past that. Is that my problem, no, it’s not. It’s his.

    I still ask God why it had to happen, why this man had to come back around in my life, pull me close to him for 8 weeks, give me the best sex of my life, and then back away like a frightened little boy. Why did it have to be him, the one I felt more love for than anyone else I ever have? Wasn’t he the dream in my heart? What I’ve been working to do, and it’s a daily thing, is to just put it in God’s hands. We don’t always understand why these things happen to us wonderful sirens. But what we absolutely have to do is to keep working on ourselves.

    Maybe I had to have my heart shattered by the one I loved more than anything, even if he wasn’t the right one for me, in order for me to sit up, take notice, and realize that the most important thing I have to do for myself is to love ME first! That’s something I’ve never done (thus the plethora of crappy men I’ve allowed in my life) and it’s a daily struggle, but I can do it and all you great sirens can do it.

    I’ve joined a weight loss place and by ren fest time will be looking really awesome in my costume. I also have been emailing back and forth with a really good-looking man who is moving back to this area soon and, by his own words, is ready for the long-term relationship with a great woman. AND, he thinks I’m cute! And Rori, I’m listening to my CDs and leaning back. This new guy asked me what my expectations are in a relationship and for the first time, I didn’t ‘hem and ‘haw, I stated what I want, what I expect, and what I will and will not put up with. Feels empowering!

  144.  #144Ingrid on April 6, 2010 at 11:07 am

    Dear TW:

    If I were not married, I would drop a guy so fast it wasn’;t even funny if he didn’t express the same level of interest as I did.
    If I had it to do over again, I’d leave the ball in his court 100%. if he didn’t call, forget it, forget him. he is not interested.

  145.  #145Siena on April 6, 2010 at 11:14 am

    TW, I don’t have any advice, but I wanted to say WOW! How awesome is it that you received insight like you did! I love those little (or big) sign posts along the way:

    “she told me that people that work there have a really hard time at relationships because of the crazy schedule and the toll it takes on them mentally and physically”

    When these types of signposts show up for me, I feel so taken care of and it solidifies my belief that everything happens for a reason. Yay, that feels awesome, and I feel really happy for you!!

  146.  #146TW on April 6, 2010 at 11:22 am


    I understand what you are talking about. That is the same thing that I wonder as well. I have a dream in my heart that won’t go away and when you read my post everything seems to come back to him. I too need to focus on loving myself first and getting closer to God. Maybe we can journey together? Love you and keep praying. God will see you though.

  147.  #147Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 11:22 am

    TW, Do not make someone a priority who views you as an option. You want, need & deserve a man who puts you at number one. There is no reasoning, negotiating, or analyzing. The only relationship worth having is one where you feel you come first.

    You were right to initiate the breakup. This man sounds like he’s full of excuses. Someone who loves you will make excuses to BE WITH you, not to not be with you. Please value yourself – you are worth only the best. Don’t settle.

    Hugs to you.~

  148.  #148TW on April 6, 2010 at 11:23 am


    That is why I just told him we needed to take a break but the last time we drifted apart he came back but did not step up in the way that I needed him to but I DID NOT REQUIRE IT EITHER. .. I just let him right back in and that is my problem. I jsut did not want the conflict you know. I wanted the comfort of him being there more which means nothing at the end of the day so I chose me this time.

  149.  #149TW on April 6, 2010 at 11:27 am


    Thanks but he has to be willing to participate in the relationship as well. In the beginning he worked for me and was always with me and then he drifted and I would bring up the fact that he was not spending time with me EVERY time we talked or text and he drifted even more. I am not saying that I was the reason but he told me he felt that I was nto listening to him and trying to understand and now that I look back I wasn’t because all that was on my mind was the fact that he turned away from me and was not showing me love. He promised me so many things and jsut failed to deliver. He told me that I was the one and that he loved me but he has to show me that or I simply have to show myself you know.

  150.  #150TW on April 6, 2010 at 11:31 am


    That is the way that I felt when I told him and I do not regret my decision I jstu wish it could be different and I could turn things back to the way they were because we were great and he was perfect for me. When our eyes met for the first time I knew in my heart there was something that was different about him and he told me a few nights later that “he claimed me the first night” but why did he change all of a sudden. That is not for me to figure out but for him to and now he has the time to do it I guess. God is going to put me where I need to be when I need to be there. Sometimes people can not miss you if you are always there and I was always available and he knew it so there was no reason for him to step up and do anything different than what he had been doing because I accepted every crumb. So I left in an effort to bake a whole cake for myself so that I will not need his crumbs.

  151.  #151Siena on April 6, 2010 at 11:32 am

    TW, I totally agree with you. I don’t want you to think I was giving him an excuse… but I see that woman coming into your life as a clarification of what is actually happening with that guy. That CLARITY is what is so amazing about what happened.

    But, I agree with you and the other posters as far as the ‘no excuses’ thing goes.

  152.  #152Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Yes, TW, bake a whole cake for yourself! I love that. It is so very hard when you feel that you have found the one your heart has been searching for. Believe me, the last guy was like that for me. And he really is a great guy, but he just does not want me. Tough stuff, but I think he would’ve continued to offer me crumbs as long as I would accept them. I am going to browse through the whole entire bakery now, thank you very much. And I will choose only the tastiest, most satisfying of all the goodies offered to me. 🙂

  153.  #153TW on April 6, 2010 at 11:39 am


    I knew what you meant and I was the one that asked God for a sign and maybe this way I can get things together for myself and be with him again but if it does not work out then I am okay. All break ups hurt but I have never become ill over one so until I do then I know that leaving someone is perfectly fine. He pulled away from me and that is perfectly fine but I know he will NEVER find another like me and that is his loss if he is out looking. When we discussed breaking up the first time and he said he was unsure I asked him if he wanted to date other people and he said no but if I wanted to that was my choice that he was not looking for anyone.

  154.  #154TW on April 6, 2010 at 11:40 am


    Did this man come out and tell you that he did not want to be with you or did you just take him at his actions? Do you think you would be able to work things out with him if he were to ever step up or are you jsut done?

  155.  #155Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 11:57 am

    TW, he placed me in the friend zone. Yikes. He was physically attracted to me for sure (by his actions & words) though we were not intimate. He wanted to “date other people.” Double yikes. But still be friends. I said, uh, no thank you, but good luck. I did not want to hear about other girls he was dating & knew it would make it difficult for me to move on if we were still friends. I think I was just too much of a buddy to him. Always available. Not sure exactly just know that he saw me as a friend. I have not heard a word from him since & that’s been 2 months so I guess I am out of sight, out of mind. So no, no chance for us. I don’t feel the same anymore anyway. I want someone who wants to be with me.

  156.  #156Siena on April 6, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    okay, I feel like a stupid cheerleader here… but… I have to comment on Goodheart’s post.

    Goodheart, he may tried to place you in the friends zone, but you wouldn’t have it! (good for you). So although he TRIED, you weren’t placed in the friends zone.

    Now, again, this is not predicting the future or making excuses – but the fact that you didn’t allow yourself to go into the friends zone and placed value on yourself is really really HUGE. It’s not likely that he’s forgotten about you.

    Rah rah shishcumbah!

    I guess I’m feeling really positive today. Sorry if I’m annoying ladies!


  157.  #157TW on April 6, 2010 at 12:10 pm


    Rah Rah!!! Keep it up my love!! I need the cheering section… Yay!!! GOOOOOOOOO!!!! Team

  158.  #158Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Siena, I always wanted to be a cheerleader, but I can’t do the splits! So thank you. I didn’t even look at it that way. I guess it is good for me 🙂 I was just looking out for myself because I knew it would be way too painful to just be friends. I cried my eyes out for a few hours & then looked myself in the mirror & said, “Ok, that’s all he deserves. Now let the right one come & sweep you up.” And, you know what I said to him when he told me I was just a friend? I said, “well, this hurts but I know one day there will be a man who thanks God that you let me go so he could find me.” Don’t where that came from 🙂 Then I got in my car & called my sister & cried.

  159.  #159Siena on April 6, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Goodheart, I think you handled it like a rockstar! He doesn’t know that you went home and cried your eyes out. He only knows that he suggested a situation that didn’t feel good to you – and you told him so and stepped back with dignity. From my perspective, that’s exactly what all this is about! and you did it!!

  160.  #160TW on April 6, 2010 at 12:39 pm


    That is exaclty right. That is the same thing I say. Goodheart you are awesome for doing that and if you cried so what.. Count them as happy tears that you are free and ready to mingle… YAY!!!

  161.  #161TW on April 6, 2010 at 12:43 pm


    I am missing my now ex I guess but do you think I can turn this around.

  162.  #162TW on April 6, 2010 at 12:48 pm


    I was just wondering because I did not know the whole story of how the whole friend thing happened and stuff. My ex did say that he was not lookign to date others but I know that I need to circular date but I am just not really into it right at this moment. I mean this just happened yesterday so it is still fresh but it is what it is you know and yes I do want a guy to come and get me and take me on a special date and you are going to find someone too!!!

  163.  #163Siena on April 6, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    TW, yes – absolutely! We’re all here for you! (rah rah, LOL). Want to say how you’re feeling?

  164.  #164Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    Thanks guys. I still have pangs of sadness, loss of a good man, but I’m pretty proud I didn’t grovel at his feet.

    TW, I think it’s always possible to turn a situation around. Are you asking if you can get your man back? Or if you can stop missing him?

    You will stop missing him. Give yourself time. It’s important to go out & do things. Date. I know it’s hard. I hated it. It made me feel worse, but I knew I had to do it. We cannot sit home & pine. No no. Worse thing to do. The best way to get over a man is another man 🙂 Even if they make you think of your ex & compare. I did that. But after a few dates with other guys I stopped & started focusing on what I was learning from them about myself.

    If you want to get your ex back, I would ask do you really want to? Is he worthy? If yes, then sit back & let him miss you. You can’t contact him. If he doesn’t come for you, he’s not the one, as much as you want him to be & feel him in your heart. I’m sorry, but only the cream of the crop are allowed.

  165.  #165Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    TW, I feel I know how you are feeling. I was really feeling that my guy had potential. I was feeling that finally I had met the right one. He was kind, a gentleman, smart, introduced me to his family, cooked dinner for me, brought me flowers & gifts. When we were together I had his full attention & the dates lasted hours & hours. So imagine my devastation when the friend card was dealt. Ouch.

    Last thing I wanted to do was go out & date again when I had been feeling I wouldn’t have to have another first date. But after finding Rori & this site I know I invested too much too soon. Even though we weren’t in an intimate, exclusive relationship I felt we were a couple. So did his family actually. They adored me (smart people :-)). God, it’s hard to get back out there, to toss out those dreams you thought were coming true & start over. BUT I’m beginning to feel that somehow this was a huge step toward my dream & not an actual detour. You may be feeling discouraged & sad & like there is no other man who can compare to him but I swear there is a better one for you. Imagine how great that will be. No man who doesn’t step up is worthy of your tears, sadness. Is he home crying & feeling sad? We don’t know for sure, but with my guy I’m choosing to feel that I am not giving him more than he is giving me. If he’s out dating & having a good time, well I’ll be damned if I’ll sit home & be blue over him while he’s tearing it up! Nooooo.

  166.  #166Siena on April 6, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Ladies, I miss my man too. But that’s a limiting belief. It’s a belief of lack. Help me to turn it around – what would the turnaround be?

    I’ve already stopped calling him an ex, and changed his name to ‘my man’. Even if he doesn’t end up being my ‘forever man’, he’s still my man.

    So anyway, what would the turnaround for ‘I miss my man’ be? hmmmm….

  167.  #167Siena on April 6, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Maybe, “I’m looking forward to seeing my man again”? I KNOW I’ll see him again – no doubt about it. That feels better. It feels happy and hopeful and powerful. okay – I’m looking forward to seeing my man again.

    I say that even while I continue to CD and work on myself. I’m not pausing – my horse is at a full-on gallop!

  168.  #168Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Siena, whenever I have a feeling of missing him, I just replace it with a generic musing. For instance, “It will be amazing when the right man is here with me.” I consciously put him out of my head & heart & even if I have to say it out loud (if I’m alone) I will do a mantra, “I deserve my perfect relationship.” Leave a specific man out of it.

    Use whatever line feels good to you. In time it will become automatic. I repeat my mantra(s) over & over throughout the day.

  169.  #169Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Siena, it just feels that you’re holding out for him. This can limit you & the really right man won’t be able to get to you. I don’t know your whole story so is this a man who deserves you? If not, why not leave your heart open & use a non-specific mantra to invite new possibilities?

  170.  #170Siena on April 6, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    ohhhh that feels good. Thanks Goodheart!

  171.  #171Siena on April 6, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Well, Goodheart, it’s not that I’m holding out for him, it’s more about wanting to acknowledge how I feel in a way that feels truthful but doesn’t hold me back with negativity.

    If he’s meant to leave my heart and mind, I want that to happen gently and naturally. So I’m just trying to be gentle with myself.

    And I believe that he wants what’s best for me (as do I!), which I know is my own personal growth. And I can’t grow if I hold out for him… so really and truly I’m not doing that. 😉

  172.  #172TW on April 6, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Goodheart and Siena-

    I do miss my man. He is still mine and I claim him in myheart but in my life I have to be open to other possibilities. Just because you have someone in your heart does not mena that you can not open yourself to other people and be with them it just means they have a special place that you two can share. I still keep an ex boyfriend in my heart because now we are great friends but I have no need or want to go back to that relationship. he was not ready and showed me over and over again and that is why I just left but I still carry him with me. I will carry my current ex with me and still go out and have a good time because that would make me feel good to go see a movie or have fun even if it is just with a male friend. i do feel sad and angry because he said that he claimed me and foolishly I did all the wrong things according to Rori. I was overfunctioning and became needy but now I know that the space and time was good and that we should have been doing things apart and not spending so much time together in the beginning. When our eyes met I knew there was something different about him. he pursued me relentlessly until I let him have me. Not have me sexually necessarily but had me hook line andd sinker meaning I was all about him and the relasionthip. Forgot about me. That is what I think made him not appreciate me. Why would he.. I was always there. Ready and willing for him.

  173.  #173Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    TW, we can keep people in our hearts – just don’t let them take up so much space that no one else can get in. In other words, don’t make him bigger than he is.

    And we’ve all made these mistakes. They are lessons. And they will lead us to our perfect relationships.

  174.  #174Goodheart on April 6, 2010 at 3:46 pm

    Siena, I believe you 🙂 It’s hard to let go. I held on for 5 long years to one man. Five years. That was awhile back & it taught me, if nothing else, that I need to move on sooner rather than later because I really did let life pass me by while I hoped & prayed for this man to return. I should’ve been working on myself, but I was obsessing about him instead. Ugh. It doesn’t sound like you’re doing that so good for you. God, I wish I had y’all back then 🙂

  175.  #175TW on April 6, 2010 at 3:47 pm


    Indeed they will. That is the best thing ever to know that you can carry someone with you and not have to deal with their shit all the time.. LOL!!!

  176.  #176TW on April 6, 2010 at 3:52 pm


    I agree… I should have found this site about 8 years ago and it would have saved me a lot of time and heartache.

  177.  #177Jeannette on April 6, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Guys, I am going through such a blue time. I know we need to get out there and CD after a breakup, but lets be honest, it is harder with each breakup to feel trust, especially when we put our trust in our last relationship and felt certain it was going to be long term. And then , poof…..gone and it’s like, what the heck??!! It’s hard on the heart if nothing else!

  178.  #178Siena on April 6, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Yep, I did the same thing. Held on to someone who really wasn’t there for about 5 years. Didn’t really date anyone else during that time. Even went to Rome and thought the Roman men were UGLY compared to that guy (are you freakin’ KIDDING ME?!)

    Never ever ever again. Lesson learned! I wish I had known then what I know now… but Daria slapped me out of that in one of her posts to me. If you can find it, it’s a beautiful poetic post…

    Those years were all about growing in Wisdom, which is a totally feminine attribute (even the Bible refers to Wisdom in the feminine in the book of Wisdom).

    …and, we’re here now, which is wonderful! No!?

  179.  #179Ingrid on April 6, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    I certainly know and feel for you, who “misses your ex just so much” It’s such a painful ache. I know the feeling so well. It hurts!!!!!

    Don;t have much advice for you except to say I understand.

    I love all Rori’s threads and topics, this one too, if a man is useless, drop him. LOL.

    I agree. Think about this: what does this man offer you? What does he contribute to your life?
    In my case, my husband of over 20 years is just that. He is my other half, and we have kids together, a life, a family, security. But, I would surely think if I was single, what does this man offer? Is he useless or use-ful? Does he have financial security? Does he make me feel wonderful, beautiful and special? Does he cherish me above every other woman in the world? Does he have character and integrity? Does he do things for others? Is he a man of worth? Does he value the things of a more spiritual nature? Does he know God? Does he obey the 10 commandments? Does he love God? These are things I, personally would seek in a man if I were single.
    Good luck. I do think when we, women godesses feel strong, and love ourselves, we don’t pine away over a man as much. Still we do, but not as much. it’s so hard.

  180.  #180Ingrid on April 6, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    How I wish I found this site years ago too. It would have saved me much much heartache.


  181.  #181debbie on April 7, 2010 at 5:52 am do I start? I think my man is cheating on me. he comes home later and later everyday from work, now he just got layed off…I know he has had his eyes on this chick for a while. I even check his e/mail.. he hasn’t sent her any, but she has sent him some. I even thought about calling the show cheaters to find out if I was crazy or what? it’s been eating me for a while. ous sex life has really slowed down he is starting to use excueses. now I know something is wrong with that situation. everything is just adding up to him cheating on me…I love him and don’t want to leave him. anybody have any ideas?

  182.  #182TW on April 7, 2010 at 5:58 am


    I would have to say that you should take a step back and look deep into the situation. Yes it does look suspicious but a man sees his worth in his ability to provide. What you saw was a woman e mailing him and him not responding. Maybe she is interested and he is not. I can not answer that one for you because I do not know him as you do but maybe he is stepping back from you because he is the provider for the family and not he feels less of a man because he can not. Just a thought.

  183.  #183Vicki Kerns on April 7, 2010 at 8:30 am

    Here’s a question ladies. I’ve been emailing back and forth (about 5 times now) with a guy on He’s getting ready to move back to the area after his current job of 14 years (in AK) comes to an end this month. He seems starstruck already. Of course, I’m skeptical and leaning WAY back. But what do you think of someone who writes like this after just a handful of emails:

    “Hi Vicki, thanks. I got the very beautiful and thoughtful Easter card [he sent me one first], so beautiful to have that from you. To tell you I get whopped sometimes when i re-read our emails, and hey! sometimes I found myself thinking and going back to look at your pictures too…I’m really impressed we shared a good soul chemistry…it really draws you closer to me…even though I can’t keep your picture aways from me, Vicki, I want you to know that never in my wildest dreams did I think I would meet a woman that could captivate and win my heart at “Hello”..going by the few conversations we have shared you are a special woman with unique and intriguing qualities that drive my desire for you far beyond any imagination. Never in my life until the day we clicked on have I wanted to share everything, offer my feelings unconditionally, and grow with someone to one day reminisce of the times we shared together. Just the thought of offering my total heart and spending my life cherishing every moment with someone, brings these incredible emotions to me I have never experienced before. The worse day I’ll have, is to letting you slip out of my life because the timing just was not right for either of us or for any reasons,second chances do not come too often in life. I will not go on another day without giving us a true chance at a life with true friendship and happiness I know we could embrace together.A wise man once told me, “When it is real, you will know,” … I know Vicki.i want you!!!
    Love, hugs & kisses”

    Maybe I’m overly cautious, but it almost strikes me as a little possessive, especially at this stage of the game. I’m developing some feeling statements to send to him, still working on those. What do you think?

  184.  #184Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Vicki, my suspicion antenna went way up after read the email that guy sent you. I received emails like that myself & every single time the guy had major issues. I think when they come on that strong it is to try to bring you too close too fast so that you feel bonded & can’t see the issues until it’s too late.

    That is just my experience. I put the brakes on when guys act like that. It’s a bit nutso. You haven’t even met yet.

  185.  #185Siena on April 7, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Hi Vicki,

    That is definitely a very intense email! I think your idea to respond with feeling messages and see where it goes from there is a good instinct. I truly believe that you’ll be able to trust your heart if you speak from it. Your intuition will tell you what’s going on.

    So what about (in addition to what you’ll already be writing) something back to him like, “I feel a little worried about your last email. It feels possessive to me, especially at this stage of getting to know you…”
    Just what you wrote here to us – but to him.

    If you use feeling messages and speak from your heart, I don’t think you can lose… if he’s a possessive freak, you’ll have called him out right at the get-go before you became invested. If he’s not, he’ll explain himself and (hopefully) put you at ease, and you’ll be at the beginning of what might be a really amazing relationship.



  186.  #186Simply Shannon on April 7, 2010 at 9:03 am

    Sounds to me like this guy is excited to meet you. I dunno. This is why email is such a difficult way to have a relationship. This kind of conversation wouldn’t happen over the phone. He couldn’t drone on and on like Fabio in a romance novel if you were actually face to face. He’d see the look on your face and stop. Ya know?

    If I got that email, I would write back:

    Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou? 🙂 I feel a little overwhelmed reading that email. Sometimes it feels difficult to share feelings over the internet. I feel excited to meet you too! It would feel great to get to know you and see where this goes.

    Ok, maybe I’d leave out the Romeo, Romeo bit but somehow get across the point. Or instead of wasting any time on it, I’d just say “whoa. I feel weird reading all of that. I feel excited to meet you, but I don’t want to jump too fast since I don’t really know you yet. What do you think?”

    It might be cool to pretend this email is a hot potato and toss it back to him. Remembering I’m a siren and don’t really care about this guy being “the one”.

  187.  #187heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 9:20 am

    I’m having a similar experience – a man I met just once for a one hour coffee date is texting and phoning a lot, wants to come on holiday with me etc. He’s deleted his profile saying I’m ‘the one’.

    I wouldn’t say ‘this feels possessive’ – which is judging – I will be saying ‘I feel overwhelmed. Your messages would feel lovely and special in a steady relationship – but that’s not where I feel I am with you. And I feel really worried you want to come on my holiday, it is my retreat that I am looking forward to.’

    Actually, sirens – all my alarm bells are going off. I’ve totally lost interest, I feel repelled. Shame, cuz he’s gorgeous. But no cigar.

  188.  #188heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 9:24 am

    Venting: – I feel hounded, I feel angry, I feel like a snarling bitch, I want to show you all my teeth. I will attack you, leave me alone. I feel unsafe, I feel sad and wierd, I feel shame. I feel squashed and invisible. I feel sad sad sad. I feel sad for rejecting you. I feel sad sad sad. I feel relief. I feel noble. I feel canny and amused.

  189.  #189Vicki Kerns on April 7, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Here’s what I wrote back to him:

    Good morning, Harry. Hope you’re having a wonderful day. I’m really enjoying our conversations back and forth, but I’m feeling a little concerned about something. In reading back through our emails, I really love that you know what you want in a relationship, are willing to work on one, and are looking for something really strong to build. Those are things that I want too; that I’ve wanted for years. But I feel that, especially since we’ve only had about 4-5 conversations back and forth, that it’s a bit too soon to talk about winning your heart, and wanting me, and love. I do believe in such a thing as love at first sight, but we’ve yet to meet in person. Please let me explain my position. Perhaps I’m skeptical because I’ve had this sort of thing happen in my past, and it turned out disastrous. I do not jump into love anymore; I had my heart shattered when I did, so that’s not a mistake I will make again. So I am very flattered that you find me very desirable, but I feel it is too soon to express these types of sentiments. If I seem cautious, I have to be, until I know for certain I can trust someone. But trust has to be earned. I want to talk with you more and get to know all about you. I gave you my cell in a previous email, but here it is again (xxxxxx). I’m really looking forward to meeting you in person. I’m not going anywhere, but I have to proceed more slowly. Good things come to those who wait.
    Talk to you soon, Vicki

    I agree, it’s easier to say those thing in writing than in person. But just in case he’s one of those possessive guys, I’m putting a stop sign in the road. He’ll either respect that or he can keep on traveling. I’ll keep you posted as to his reply.

  190.  #190heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 9:30 am

    I’ve noticed also that Mr Hound NEVER responds to anything I tell him about myself. I feel invisible. I feel like his momma.

    I am preparing myself to be open and honest. But perhaps not about the momma bit (I already said that in playful humour before the craziness began).

  191.  #191heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 9:41 am

    I’ve asked myself, am I the one with the problem, am I pushing intimacy away? Only it doesn’t feel like intimacy. It feels like being ignored.

    Think I need to fine-tune my wish button. I start with Mr Distance and wind up with Mr So-Close-I-Can’t-See-Him – suffocating, wanting to avoid, feeling dread.

    No, no and NO.

  192.  #192Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 10:14 am

    Heartbeat, no you are not the one with the problem. Many may say I’m cynical, but I’ve lived through this scenario too many times & I can instantly recognize these men now. Some are just the instant-relationship type, which will turn you off (it would turn pretty much anyone off). And others are hiding something. This I know. I’ve seen it happen to some of my friends as well. Either way, I just say something like, “this doesn’t feel good to me. I wish you wonderful luck, but this isn’t what I’m looking for.” If he wants more of an explanation, well, sometimes I tell & sometimes I just don’t reply – depending on the level of creepiness I feel.

    Right now I feel total ick where Vicki’s guy is concerned. Just a yuck feeling in my gut. I always trust my gut.

  193.  #193heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Goodheart – THANK YOU. What you said gives me some affirmation. I am learning to really trust that part of me that says ‘this does not feel good’ SOONER than in the past.

    On the one hand I feel embarrased to be learning this so late, on the other – YIPPEE!!



  194.  #194Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 10:37 am

    I learned it late too, Heartbeat. Went through so much heartache & now I am all ears when it comes to my gut. Um, something like that 🙂

  195.  #195Simply Shannon on April 7, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Heartbeat: Laughing re: Mr. So Close I Can’t See Him. 🙂 Funny visual but so true!

    This is an interesting conversation because I don’t really get triggered by a guy sending me this kind of attention. At least not enough to say I don’t want to see him anymore. Maybe he’s always dated women who expected the fairy tale and wanted to be covered in the romantic goo. I’m not that girl.

    I dunno. I’d probably tell him what I said above and see if how he responds. When I read what Vicki’s guy wrote, I feel overwhelmed but I also feel a little charmed simply because he’s trying so hard to woo her. It feels a little over the top for my personal tastes but hey that’s just me.

    Vicki: I feel a little weird reading your message back to him. If I’m him, I might feel bad for having sent the email. I don’t want to feel wrong for saying I like you (even if *how* I say it feels weird). I dunno. My masculine radar went off at “let me explain”.

  196.  #196Simply Shannon on April 7, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Heartbeat: Maybe the message is that intimacy doesn’t have to mean being right on top of you all the time. In other words, you can be practically touching and in contact all the time and still not feel intimate. Maybe?

  197.  #197Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 10:49 am

    I feel that some guys that come on strong are harmless – just Stage Five Clingers. Some girls are ok with this. It turns me off. It makes me feel like, “ok, this man does not know me. At all. Is he just grabbing at anyone who looks his way?” I don’t like that. I want a man who is into ME not a man just wanting a relationship – with anyone. And that’s the best case scenario. The other is that he is hiding something. I just don’t want anyone to get hurt like I did. I don’t worry about these guys for me because I recognize them, but like Heartbeat said, if your radar for this isn’t developed it can make you question yourself & that’s where the trouble starts.

  198.  #198heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Goodheart – my gut is all ears too LOL!!

    Simply Shannon – thank you too. Stage five clingers!? My sides are splitting!!


    I met another guy, he texts too and has asked to meet again, but I feel comfortable with him. I just said to him I’m still healing, and he responded with ‘baby steps’. He can HEAR me.

    Mr Hound can’t. And I do feel something wierd about him. He’s the dishy Turkish masseuse 15 years my junior I metioned in another post – only it turns out he’s not a masseuse at all but works in a corner shop in Wigan! LOL! I feel amused but can’t take him seriously. Sometimes I feel scared of him.

  199.  #199heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Goodheart – “I want a man who is into ME not a man just wanting a relationship – with anyone. ” YES

    Shannon – “Maybe the message is that intimacy doesn’t have to mean being right on top of you all the time.” YES

    With Mr Distance I was always looking for ‘signs’ – I felt starved.

    I notice I can feel affection for someone without having to be in contact all the time. Especially at the moment. I need space to heal in all sorts of ways – with my friends, by myself, by doing things I like.

    I’m not even sure I want a relationship at the moment.

    It’s like when I said ‘no more cats’. The universe then sent me the HUGEST cat ever.

  200.  #200Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 11:09 am

    It was total love at first sight for me and my hubby of 22 years. So, it can happen. But if any of you gals suspect or have a weird or icky feeling about such man in the beginning, run like the dickens. I feel when something is right, you will know it. It will just fall into place like it did for us. Granted 20 years later, h had an affair, (working on reconciling everything)—–thanks to Rori, ( but still, in the beginning, things will just work out, and you will know. Trust your gut, your intuition. We women have such amazing intuition. I think it is there to guide us the rest of our lives, and that God made we women this way. From my experience, and in my old age, I give you all this, TRUST YOUR GUT. Don;t ever settle for a man who doesn’t adore you. You;re worth it! And let him pursue. Don;t call him. let him call you. I made this mistake, and now I know so much more about men than 22 years ago. LOL. Also in this day and age of free sex, my advice is do not have sex for at least 6 months after dating. Get to know the man! As friends first. Sex totally screws things up. It engages our hearts way too soon, when we don’t have a clue who this man really is.


  201.  #201Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 11:10 am

    Ooooh, Heartbeat if you feel scared of him make him go away. Now I’m scared. The “baby steps” guy sounds much better.

    Me thinks the Turk is a turkey 🙂

  202.  #202Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Heartbeat, the Universe has a sense of humor, doesn’t it?

    I want no more men! (looking expectantly at the doorway for the hugest man to appear. Define hugest however you wish :-))

  203.  #203Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Ingrid, I wish you so much luck with your reconciliation. My sister was married for over 20 years. They had a truly wonderful relationship for quite some time, but then things happened. They are not together, but are amicable, & both are very happy in new relationships. However it works out for you, I wish you happiness.

  204.  #204TW on April 7, 2010 at 11:18 am


    Ingrid… That was sweet of you to say. That is so true about sex and relationships. I have a question. If I was the one to ask my BF for a break for a while to just get our minds off fighting and the stresses of the relationship, should I be the one to decide when I am ready to talk to him about the situation?

  205.  #205heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Goodheart 🙂 🙂 !!! I’m having the HUGEST laugh! xx

  206.  #206heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:26 am

    Ingrid – I am learning all of this at 50!

    I am like Edison. He discovered 1000 ways NOT to make a lightbulb.

    And then he succeeded.

    Amen 🙂 xx

  207.  #207Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Dear Goodheart:
    Thank you thank you for your heartfelt message. It felt soooo nice to hear from someone as nice and sweet as you. Thank you again.

    I am glad your sis has found love again. This is simply awesome. She is lucky too to have you as such a supportive sister. I have a sis too,who was married for 15 years and it didn’t work out. Now she has a wonderful man who adores her, and step-kids and wonderful in-laws, and a wonderful life all in all. And a beautiful home too. I am so happy for her. I am her “big sis”. And support her 100%. We are so close and talk or e-mail or chat daily. SHE thinks I should have divorced my hubby. This we disagree over. Hummmmm.

  208.  #208TW on April 7, 2010 at 11:28 am


    You have me cracking up in my office. You are too funny!!!

  209.  #209Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Dear Heartbeat:

    Me too. I am learning this all at 50 as well. Sometimes I feel soooo old don’t you? But other times I feel, “better late than never” LOL.

    I love hearing your take on things.

  210.  #210heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:31 am

    TW – 🙂 xx

  211.  #211Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Dear TW:

    YES. You are the one who controls your destiny. Honey you are the beautiful one. You are the special one. I hope you decide what type of man you want. Write it down. Journal it.

    God Bless U

  212.  #212Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Ingrid, what a kind post. Thank you. I know you will come through this as a happier person.

    Heartbeat, I think I am on number 999 on how NOT to have a relationship. 🙂 I’m going to name my next dog Edison 🙂

  213.  #213TW on April 7, 2010 at 11:36 am


    Me too.. I can write a book called “10,000 Wrong Ways to Have a Relationship”

    Maybe we should do videos and stuff for Rori and be poster children on What not to do… LMAO

  214.  #214heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:38 am

    TW – I am thinking and feeling my way around your question. My only experience of it – after I expressed my feelings of awfulness in a ‘waiting’ position – is where I ‘stepped away’ rather than suggested a break. I made a ‘speech’ (in Rori terms). So therefore it would feel good if he made initial contact. Sorry I can’t be of more help!

  215.  #215TW on April 7, 2010 at 11:39 am


    I was very happy in my relationship with him until he started to become a little distant and then I got clingy and started doing all of the stuff like texting and calling all the time and demanding he see me and complaining when he would not. You know how we get sometimes. We post on it daily but anyway, I just did not feel that he was making our relationship a priority like he was in the beginning and we started doing a lot of fighting and stuff ALL THE TIME. I have so much on my plate right now that I asked him for a little break so that I could clear my mind and maybe cooler heads would prevail.

  216.  #216heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Goodheart & TW you’re killing me for sure 🙂


  217.  #217Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 11:40 am

    TW – I can think of worse things to be poster children for 🙂

    On a sort of related note – Before Thomas Edison invited the light bulb, what went on above people’s heads when they had an idea? A candle?

    I was just wondering.

  218.  #218TW on April 7, 2010 at 11:42 am

    A candle could be dangerous. Someone could have has a Michael Jackson Pepsi Commercial incident. Hair catching on fire. That is a good question though. I always manage to have that light bulb moment a tad bit too late. Imagine that!! LMAO

  219.  #219tinque on April 7, 2010 at 11:45 am

    It’s never too late TW. It’s always right on time…

  220.  #220heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Ingrid – turning 50 felt like a real milestone. I felt all sorts of things, many I didn’t expect. Grief, for one. Letting go of fertility and accepting changes in the body. Letting go of the dream of a family. Feeling less attractive for a while.

    And also wisdom, and courage, and a different beauty. The return of naughtiness. I can say stuff to younger men that younger women can’t. I can even pee my pants officially! Life is good!


  221.  #221heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:47 am

    I’m waiting for Tinque to give me some kegel exercises xx

  222.  #222Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 11:48 am

    As I am 50 now, I have learned tons of what not to do/what to do when it comes to men and relationships, as Rori has too, thus this site.

    These however are some of my all time ones. If any gal is reading this, just thought I’d share them, from experience here: And maybe it can help you today in your relationships. I really hope so. I wish all of you only the best.

    1) Do not have sex with a man for at least 6 months;
    2) Meet his family and observe his relationship to his folks; look for clues such as not cutting off the apron strings, etc., his relationship with momma
    3) Find out what his job is, and if he has a way to support himself AND YOU, his Goddess;
    4) Get to know his friends, what type of men he hangs out with shows you what type of man he is;
    5) last but not least, find out what God means to him, and his faith, Most important in my book.

  223.  #223Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Alas, me too, TW. Too little too late. We will get better though.

    Regarding Ingrid’s post above (#198) & not having sex with a man for 6 months. I was thinking 3 months. But now I have not had a relationship last that long in quite some time. So, needless to say, it’s been awhile. Not sure I will be able to wait 6 minutes let alone 6 months with the next guy.

    Poor bloke. (Or lucky maybe) 🙂

    Truly, though I think this can only be determined by you once you are in the relationship, but I agree that jumping in too quickly can be disastrous.

  224.  #224TW on April 7, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Hey Tinique-

    We always live and learn.

  225.  #225Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Heartbeat, I have only 5 years to go before I can “pee my pants officially!” I have something to look forward to 🙂

    Can you pass along some of the things you say to younger men? Seems most of them are younger these days!

  226.  #226heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Goodheart – I know this turkish guy… 😉

  227.  #227Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Feeling message here…..good…..

    I feel so happy to hear from all you wonderful godesses. I am thrilled to talk with all of you.

    TW: I am so glad you are here and writing and asking us all what to do. I am glad to know you here honey, and I am thrilled to have the privilege to offer you any advice at all.

    I think you are following your heart here pertaining to your man, and that is a good thing. You are doing just the right thing I think.

    God Bless

  228.  #228heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Goodheart –

    Things NOT to Say to Younger Men

    1. Pass me the banana
    2. Your turn
    3. I just peed myself laughing

  229.  #229heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Ingrid – it feels good to have you here among us xx

  230.  #230Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Dear Heartbeat:
    Thank you ever so much. I feel so nice you said that.


  231.  #231TW on April 7, 2010 at 12:01 pm


    Thank you so much. We were fighting and arguing so much and things were so tense. If we stayed together things would only get worse not better so I felt it would be best for ME to just take a break before I got overwhelmed. We may be able to work it out but then again.. Maybe not.. Who knows but I just need a few weeks to reflect.

  232.  #232Ingrid on April 7, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Dear TW: Take those few weeks then, if you need them. Do it for you and for the good of your relationship. And don’t forget to pray dear one, that God’;s Will be done. If it’s His Will. Do you want to be married one day and have a family? If so, look for a worthy man who wants the same.

    God Bless You~

  233.  #233Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Heartbeat, great, I think I DID just pee myself. You are a hoot.

    I will pass on the Turk, thanks.

    For now.

    Let me get back to you.

  234.  #234TW on April 7, 2010 at 12:34 pm


    When I met him I told him that I did not want to be with a man that did not share my faith in God and we do not want any more children because we both have children from previous relationships but I prayed about it and the funniest thing happened on Tuesday which was the day after the break. A woman came to my office for her session and she retired from the same company where he worked and she was saying how hard it was for people that worked there to maintain healthy relationships because of the hectic work schedules and that the spouses or girlfriend/boyfriends did not really understand how they felt but they did not really understand the needs of the other party which made me really think. He told me that he felt as though I was not listening to him and understanding where he was coming from and I said the same thing to him and we just fought and his calls and visits got less and less but when I met him and our eyes met there was something different about him that I have never felt before and our first conversation I was like maybe this is it. He really understood me you know but again if it is not God’s will then it just is not.

  235.  #235tinque on April 7, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    heartbeat – do you really want to get me started? lol
    I have many tricks up my sleeve.

  236.  #236heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Tinque – I knows you does 😉

    You are the Queen of Lady Gardens.

    I bought a set of Cones. I can keep the big one in, empty, so long as I sit very still…


  237.  #237Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    “lady gardens” — I like that.

    Does anyone here know where the term “pussy” originated? I’m not crazy about that word, but a lot of men use it, so I’m wondering if I can find a way to feel better about it.


  238.  #238tinque on April 7, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Hey you gots some tricks I don’t know about. Wanna share?
    I like that “lady gardens”. I just made mine all pretty.

  239.  #239heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Lucy – pussy as in ‘cat’ – both like being stroked? Just a thought… 🙂

  240.  #240TW on April 7, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Actually the word… Pussy just does not offend me like that especially in the heat of the moment. What is a man supposed to say in the event they do the talking dirty thing… “Man I love your hoo ha” or ” Baby your vagina feels so good” .. “hey girl, let me kiss on your other lips”… I think my meds are kicking in… lol

  241.  #241heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Well I never thought I’d be having THIS conversation tonight 🙂

    Tinque – yes the Cones – I’m sure you mentioned them? They have weights in. Two in the set, a lady pops the large one in her garden first, the ‘hedges’ (!) contract to keep it in while standing. Then she adds weights, the lightest first. The aim is to advance to the smaller (narrower) cone with all the weights in, though apparently very few women get that far.


  242.  #242tinque on April 7, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Oh I see. I didn’t know about cones. I know about weighted balls (no double entendre intended). Same idea.
    I like the word feefee and use it all the time.
    Boys have a peepee. Girls have a feefee. Yes?
    Those are my word choices. K’s too.

  243.  #243heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Yes – I bought them on the internet, they unscrew and you can put weights inside, one or more depending on how your muscles are developing. About £22 sterling (not sure in dollars).

    *Cute* names! xxxx

  244.  #244Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    TW– I don’t feel offended by the word; I just don’t like it. As in, I don’t like to eat mushrooms, but I’m not offended by them. 😀

    Heartbeat — Maybe that’s it – I don’t like the idea of having a cat between my legs!

    Tinque — seriously? You two call K’s peepee a peepee? And you have a feefee? Lol. I feel intrigued about that! Feefee sounds better to me than pussy — but I would feel like a guy would think I was prudish/naive if I called it that. Same with peepee. Isn’t that what moms call it to their little boys? I don’t want to feel like my man is a little boy and I am his mother. I am not criticizing your choices — I am just trying to see what would work for ME. 🙂

    Feefee. I kinda like it.

    I really don’t like “cock” either btw. 😀


  245.  #245Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Ingrid – I know you’re addressing the Christian women on the site with your blessings and ideas, and yet I want you to know that I differ wholeheartedly with you – I am not Christian, and I want to make sure all of the women here who are also not about “God’s will being done” – I could not be FURTHER from that concept – are okay and feel neither triggered nor offended – but totally supported by me. So Ingrid, please keep that in mind here – also – we’re not about advice giving (I know there are several coaches on here, and if that fit’s your position here as you feel it, then I understand) – but more about practicing feeling and expressing those feelings, and reacting to the triggers that show up here in a feeling way So – I want to invite any of you who have had rough backgrounds where religion was used AGAINST you to make you feel bad – please express that – I’ll try to follow and keep track…I want to make SURE we don’t end up in a discussion of religion – only of the feelings around whatever is in your life that could be holding you back from being exactly who you are. If you need to email me personally around that – please go on ahead (or use a new name and I’ll see it in the moderation queue) – I’ll try to help you that way….Love, Rori

  246.  #246Vicki Kerns on April 7, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Actually, the word pussy doesn’t bother me. None of them bother me, except I don’t particularly like the word cunt. It sounds derogatory. As for dirty talk, hoo boy, I enjoy that. That’s one thing puppet guy could do. That last time he called me up at 8am and said, “Would you like me to come over and f*ck your brains out?” I just about went thru the roof. Wow, could that man rock my socks. Too bad he was such a weenie!

  247.  #247heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    Vicki – top dollar lol!! 🙂 xx

  248.  #248TW on April 7, 2010 at 1:46 pm


    That is too funny but yes that is a workd that mothers generally use but I used weewee with my son. That sounds even funnier… lol

  249.  #249Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Faustina – He’s right. What you need to look at is why you got attached to a guy who isn’t here – and THEN turn down his offer to fly you out to be with him….Love, Rori

  250.  #250tinque on April 7, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    Lucy – Yes seriously.
    But we are both very silly together and love to make each other laugh. I can imagine peepee, unless you know the guy really well, could sound little boy like. But it works for us.
    Weenie though used by Vicki above in another context is not so bad either.
    I don’t really like any of the other words much for women. Pussy is okay. But feefee is the winner word for me.
    I don’t like the word cunt either, but interestingly it dates back to the Middle Ages if not before and was not considered a bad word then. Chaucer uses it liberally in his works. cunte.

  251.  #251Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    TW — Oh, yeah! I was trying to remember what word I used with my two sons when they were little — it was weewee! Lol.


  252.  #252heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    I grew up in Northern Ireland, religious hotpot of the western world. I’ve been told I’ll go to hell by several religions. I’ve written about it, a poem I had published once; I feel free.

    I feel good when anyone says God Bless.

    God feels like All. That, which Is – an energy that’s alive and runs through us. I feel blessed.

    Growing up with such obvious dogma made me want to explore concepts of God, and faith, and the feminine, and spirit. My experience of spirit was always very real, connected to nature, loving and warm. My experience doesn’t match dogma and I trust my experience more.

    Mother Julian regards ‘sin’ as ‘loss of self-awareness’ and I follow that translation. I feel really interested.


  253.  #253TW on April 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm


    I never thought that I would be having a weewee/peepee conversation at my age.. This is the most fun I have had in days.. Trust me. I am cracking up in my office.

  254.  #254Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Tinque — I can see it used in the context of silliness — and honestly, that’s the kind of relationship I want anyway. 🙂

    Where did you get the word feefee from?


  255.  #255Vicki Kerns on April 7, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    If I told some guy I’d like to suck his wee-wee, I’d just fall off the bed laughing!

  256.  #256tinque on April 7, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    TW _ I’m delighted to be a part of making you laugh and having fun.

    Lucy – Honestly I can’t remember where feefee came from and when it started. I’m a writer and love words, love to make them up too, so it must have just come to me one day, and it stuck.

    Vicki – I say it all the time. Please, please let me kiss on the peepee.
    K is the only guy on the planet that doesn’t really like to receive oral sex except in playful fun, lots of that, or as a warm up but rarely.

  257.  #257Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Tinque – K’s not the only one on the planet– this 25 year old that is desperately chasing me has told me that he doesn’t like receiving it. But he loves giving it. 😀

    Okay, so did you tell K that was your name for it (feefee) or did you just start using the word and he caught on? Cuz I’m wondering how to go about making the switch with a guy who calls it pussy. Lol.


    p.s. The first time I heard the word pussy was when a guy I was living with asked his friend after a biz trip, "Did you get any pussy?" That felt awful to hear.

  258.  #258Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    That was when I was 23.

  259.  #259Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Thank you for your lovely comment Heartbeat…Love Rori

  260.  #260heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    I’m just going to mow my own lawn.

    And make a cup of cocoa xx

  261.  #261heartbeat on April 7, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    It’s a pleasure, Rori – I could write pages! xx
    (please excuse the last comment, I’m still in the naughty conversation that’s also going on lol!)

  262.  #262Siena on April 7, 2010 at 2:40 pm


    I feel bad that I even feel bad about having religion or Christianity trigger me.

    But yes, I’m one of those who when I read, “follow God’s will”, my eyes glaze over, I FEEL walls go up around my brain and heart (it’s kinda spooky the physical reaction that I get), and I just go away emotionally. My mind and heart shut down. They FEEL closed when I read that or hear someone say it.

    And I fight that feeling, because I know the person who says those things means well.

    …and also, there’s this: When I hear, “follow God’s will regarding your relationship” I feel really left out and like God must not care about me. I’m in my mid-30s and have never been married nor have any children. And I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed to God to bring me a husband and family, because I’ve wanted it for a lonnnnng time. Praying for it – and then waiting – was what I was taught to do by well-meaning people. Some people I know believe that there’s something wrong with me or with my “walk with God” because I am not married. That feels awful to know that people believe that about me.

    When I hear “follow God’s will” regarding relationships, my response is a feeling of total frustration and anger. I feel angry when I hear that.

    God doesn’t want me be lonely or not have a loving partner and children. That doesn’t make sense!

    It makes more sense that I am the one who has chosen this path because of misconceptions about myself, unlearned lessons, past hurts, etc. And my heart believes that if it can heal, I will finally be able to attract and keep the love that it longs for.

    …and (not that this matters really), I have a degree from one of the foremost theological universities in the world, so I have been immersed in Christianity for a lonnnnng time.

    God feels much bigger than all of this. Abundantly bigger.


  263.  #263Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 2:54 pm

    Oh – Sienna – Thank you SO MUCH for this! Religion, like politics and sex and some other powerful triggering views – tends to group people together…and so there isn’t enough sharing going on. It’s so sad that as a society we have to introduce concepts like “tolerance,” “acceptance” and “unconditional love,” which, you’d think, would be clear and obvious and intrinsic to ANY view of God…and yet, there you have it….Love, Rori

  264.  #264Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Oh Siena, you know I went off on a friend of mine not too long ago when she said to me, “God must want you to be single. Embrace it.” This type of thing always comes from my married friends. “God chooses some people to be single. Accept His will.”

    I want to scream. God also doesn’t put a dream in your heart if He knows there is no way to achieve it. And He also gave us FREE WILL. So am I missing something?

    Yes, Siena, it is our own misconceptions & possibly feeling not good enough that has held us back from our dreams. Not God.

  265.  #265Siena on April 7, 2010 at 3:40 pm

    Yes Rori and Goodheart – so true!

    And I feel sad for the younger woman in me (even the little girl I was) who used to really and truly believe that she had somehow not received the “memo” that God sent to all of her friends who were getting married, having babies, landing the ‘perfect’ job… whatever it was!

    I don’t feel angry at the people who taught me those things. They were doing the best they could with the information they had. But I do wish that they had “known” a little better so that they could have taught me a little better. It still bugs… it’s a wound that is not yet completely healed.

    But – everything in its time, right? When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

    And my daughters will be soooo wise!!!


  266.  #266tinque on April 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Lucy – No. We both come out with made up words all the time, and if one catches our attention which is most of them, they become incorporated into our own language.
    I must have used it, and he picked up on it.

  267.  #267Lucy on April 7, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    Tinque — That sounds just like my family!

  268.  #268tinque on April 7, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    Siena – “I am the one who has chosen this path because of misconceptions about myself, unlearned lessons, past hurts, etc. And my heart believes that if it can heal, I will finally be able to attract and keep the love that it longs for.”

    I don’t know that I would for so far to say that you chose this path, for it sounds consciously done. You may have had lessons to learn and hurts to heal in order to clear space for the love of your life, and this is okay, very much okay.
    You may not know this, but I didn’t re-find K until I was in my forties.
    None of this, not your situation and not mine has anything to do with god.
    god is within rather goddess.

  269.  #269Linda on April 7, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Hi All !

    I have been away from here for a while. I have not posted in weeks or read anything out here. I guess I just need to take a break from everything and regroup. This last post just caught my attention. Using the “God Card” as many of you mentioned is LOW. I have had it used on me too. I am always personally seeking direction for my life and it comes in many ways.

    I think back about when I met S. How I felt drawn to him… without naming everything, I felt this connection with him and it was a divine type of thing. Out of all the men I have met CD’ing he was different. Of course, for those of you who have been out here for a while and read my posts about the ups and downs and good and bads, hurts and betrayal, lies…etc I walked away from him. Telling him I did not want him in my life, that he was free to pursue whom ever he wanted…. and I knew that it was not me he desired. The interesting thing is… while I had this deep feeling that we were meant to be together ( a God directed thing)…I clearly felt directed to walk away from him. I could no longer tolerate his behavior. It was hard but I did it.

    I found my respect and felt relieved. Yes I felt sad and that a part of me gave up on something but enough was enough. No to the less, so you can make room for the more. I was deeply impacted by a comment by Daria…. that saying NO and can be more loving than staying and saying yes may be. In my particular case, saying NO… you cant treat me like this and walking was more loving than staying and trying to work and wait thru the crap and his baggage. It raised the bar, my difficulty factor shot thru the roof and I became bold for ME.

    I walked away March 2nd… I was sad, but relieved and resolute. How can you inspire a man to be better, to see you as the prize if you dont walk, talk, behave and BE that prize? No rationalizing, No making excuses or allowances all the time, Zero tolerance is what this whole thing with S created in me.

    You know dont you… that is when good things can come because you made room for them. THey might even come from the same man, only he has to qualify to just like a new man would. THe old man has to work hardered to get a new chance at the prize though. When I walked away, I did not pine or wish, or secretly hope for anything. I just wanted to feel happy….. I layed it ALL down.

    I am here writing this story and I dont know its end but I know what I want and want I dont want. What I will do and wont. I am not afraid to speak up, I think I leaned back too much for me and my personality so I have tweeked that too. It seems like I have passed thru the ‘eye of a needle’ to get to this new place. There are things that I had to shed in order to fit thru there.

    I am here singing the praises of the many things I have learned and gleaned here. THere is wisdom here and we get to own it thru trial and error. I am open to my right relationship now, nothing less will do.


  270.  #270Siena on April 7, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    Tinque, thank you for this.

    Yes, I believe it was an unconscious choice of mine. But still my choice, nonetheless. Consciously, I was (still am!) choosing relationship and all that goes with it.

    I just went and had a good cry over this whole thing. I guess I was REALLY more triggered than I even thought!

    I use “God” because that’s what I am most comfortable with. (Not that this is a theological discussion), but I believe that God is pure spirit, so yes – within all of us, but outside all of us as well. Not constrained by time, space, physical being, gender – or anything like that… so, yes… Goddess works for me too 😉


  271.  #271Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Linda, I’m rooting for you! I like how you said, “I leaned back too much for me and my personality so I have tweeked that.”

    I have felt that same way. I feel that leaning forward doesn’t really feel like leaning forward if you are confident & not invested in the outcome. Leaning too far back feels de-powering to me. (I might’ve made up that word). I don’t like having a man call all the shots. I have great ideas & suggestions that I want to be heard & considered.

    I am so glad I didn’t listen to my well-meaning friends who told me to embrace being single. Ugh. That felt awful to me – like I was being punished or something. I actually almost bought into it. Then I semi-lashed out & now I know I have choices. I had limiting beliefs, but that is all changing now. Thank God. & thank all you ladies on here.


  272.  #272Siena on April 7, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Goodheart, I realize I didn’t really acknowledge your last post to me, but believe me – I heard it! Thank you so much!

    When I read what you wrote earlier about laying into your friend who told you it was God’s will that you were single, I thought “wow, I would like to have that strength of character!”

    Here’s to no more limiting beliefs!!

  273.  #273Linda on April 7, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Sienna… I hear and feel every word you said.

    God is bigger than all this abundantly bigger.

    Well meaning people say stupid unfeeling things sometimes.

    I have more to my story to share but I will hold it for now. I am not quite sure how to put it into words yet.


  274.  #274Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Siena, you know, my friend was glad that I told her how I felt. She didn’t realize what she sounded like. I just basically told her that it really hurt my feelings when she said something like that because it made me feel like God thought I wasn’t good enough to have the love of a man. And it sort of took my hope away. She really got me then. It was good. (I had been hearing that sort of thing from friends for quite some time & she just happened to be the one in front of me when I’d had enough).

    And I’ll drink to the No More Limiting Beliefs! Gladly. Cheers, Siena!

  275.  #275Goodheart on April 7, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    If you all don’t hear from me for awhile, there’s a good chance I’ve slipped into a chocolate coma. It’s insane how much sugar I’ve had the past few days. It’s coursing through my veins.

    I’m typing so fast my keyboard is smoking!

    Signing off for now. Will catch up tomorrow~

  276.  #276tinque on April 7, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Siena, yes unconsciously you may have “chosen” to be single or not have “the one” in your life just yet, but time and more and more healing will only make you blossom even bigger, and just imagine what kind of an amazing relationship that can create.
    And you are welcome Siena.
    If K and I found each other given especially my grim background, then anyone can. And we do have a very special, magical bond, far more profound than any I have personally witnessed.

  277.  #277TW on April 7, 2010 at 5:14 pm

    Hello ladies-

    I just woke up from my nap and you all have been all over the place with conversation and I am trying to keep up but I am sure that I will miss something because I have some other stuff to do so I will not get to respond to everything. I feel you on the whole leaning back thing. In certain situations why should I lean back and wait for someone to come to me if that is what I want. If I have confidence and I am ready to face the situation head on then hey let’s so it. Just like my situation with my now ex. I was the one that asked him for a break to clear my thoughts so my mental being would be why would I wait for him to contact me if I was the one that asked for a little space to gather my thoughts. How does he know that my thoughts are clear and maybe he does not want to pressure me into doing something that I do not want to do. Just a though but I do feel like a man should be a man though but women have some good ideas too just like someone said in an earlier post.

    I also saw where there has been a lot of discussion about God in a lot of the post. I am a Christian and I am a full believer in God and his power but that is me and what I believe. I go to church on Sundays and attend bible study and my faith is important to me but I respect the views of others because just because I believe one thing does not believe that it is right but I believe fully in my faith. We have to find our own way as far as God is concerned. If you feel triggered by a statement no matter what it is this is the place to vent and let it all out kinda like screaming only with written word. Self expression is great in all forms. God is the most loving man that I have ever met and even in my period of sorrow and dispair I always know he is there to comfort me and that he will give me all the desires of my heart when I am ready. I love writing to you guys and seeing what you feel, when you feel it and how you feel it. It is great and is a release for me as well because you all make me laugh sometimes so hard that I cry…Especially the pee pee conversation from earlier today. Kinda like sisters you know. Just sitting around talking and having a good time talking about how crazy men can be and how crazy we can be about them…

  278.  #278TW on April 7, 2010 at 5:16 pm


    if you go into a chocolate coma it is okay because we can be in the hospital together because I am going to overdose on donuts and milk…lol

  279.  #279Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 5:42 pm

    TW – Thank you so much for your wonderful expression. Love, Rori

  280.  #280Rori Raye on April 7, 2010 at 5:43 pm

    Brava Goodheart! Love, Rori

  281.  #281TW on April 7, 2010 at 7:41 pm


    No problem… I like being able to freely express myself here and know that people respect my views even if we just agree to disagree. I just wish I could be that way with the man that I want you know. I am getting there and I am almost ready to give him my speech…

  282.  #282Daria on April 8, 2010 at 2:17 am

    Yay LINDA!!! woooo hoooo!

    my turn to say no to a man i’m really liking now…

    boy it was easier to tell everyone else hehe!

  283.  #283Linda on April 8, 2010 at 3:51 am

    Hey Daria

    THe more practice the better the goddess. It is the tried things in our lives that make us true authentic and at peace.

    Celebrate progress!

    Hugs Linda

  284.  #284Simply Shannon on April 8, 2010 at 8:06 am

    I’m a Christian (very recently saved), and I still get the walls thing just like Siena described! I dunno. It triggers me too. I feel very judgmental when people spout off about God and what I should or shouldn’t be doing, like they know what God intends for my life.

    Ironically, I’m seeing now that it’s all about the tone of the words said. I feel defensive when it’s boy voice but feel open when it’s girl voice. I can hear the words when they are stated in terms of how God relates to the person speaking. I don’t hear the words when someone is telling ME how I should relate to God.

    It feels so interesting to me to finally get how everything we’ve ever been taught is wrong… how explaining things gets me nowhere… how this desire to be right only leaves me feeling all alone… how speaking about myself and how things relate to ME is the only way to communicate with others on an intimate level. Before I thought I was helping by giving advice, but *I* was never really there for that person because I wasn’t really sharing ME. I was only sharing words.

    Siena: I just wanted to say I loved reading what you wrote. God is infinitely bigger than I can imagine. I pulled away from God for so long for the exact reasons you described. My life is dramatically different now. It feels so difficult to describe the change in me. I get it. I hear you. It feels good to have similar thoughts/feelings expressed on the board. Thank you.

  285.  #285Simply Shannon on April 8, 2010 at 8:09 am

    Daria: I feel so excited hearing the excitement in your voice re: this new fella!

    Linda: More to the story? Spill it sista. 🙂

    I feel sooo tired this morning. Please let it rain today so that this pollen business washes away. Allergies = boohoo.

  286.  #286Siena on April 8, 2010 at 8:35 am

    Thank you all for your healing words! Simply Shannon, I LOVE this: “Before I thought I was helping by giving advice, but *I* was never really there for that person because I wasn’t really sharing ME. I was only sharing words.”

    Ditto sister! Now that I intentionally have stopped giving advice, I find that I have nothing to say a lot of the time! And the advice still slips out here and there… old habits and all.

    So… sirens… I made a decision this morning to be BOLD. I have been avoiding getting on match because I feel really icky about that website. (I’m on eHarmony, so it’s not the online thing, it’s just match that I don’t like). But I realize that this is a limiting belief, and so I must try it. Dangit!

    So today I’m going to create a profile for the entire world to see so I can practice my siren skillz. Because – hey, I’m available!

    I had been avoiding it because I’ve been hiding from old boyfriends who I’m sure are on there. But no more hiding – if this is what it takes to break out of my Siena shell, this is what it takes.

    …and I’ll laugh all the way down the altar 😉


  287.  #287Siena on April 8, 2010 at 8:42 am

    …and (haha) this is not advice, but a remedy. Simply Shannon, eating local honey (local to your area) is a great way to alleviate some of your allergies. The bees in your area naturally produce the antihistamines that you need for the plants in your area that you are allergic to. But the honey needs to come from close to your home or work (wherever your allergies are triggered). SueBee ain’t gonna cut it.

  288.  #288Simply Shannon on April 8, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Siena: Okay reading your words feels sooooo funny to me. Why? Well… I just bought local honey this past Sunday. Been feeding it to my kiddos with yogurt and granola in the morning. Someone else mentioned that very same thing to me so I went and bought some. Too funny! Now I just need to eat it. I go through phases about breakfast and haven’t wanted to eat it. Maybe I’ll just eat a spoonful. Thanks love!

  289.  #289Simply Shannon on April 8, 2010 at 8:57 am

    And yeah to Match and laughing down the altar!

  290.  #290TW on April 8, 2010 at 9:14 am


    Today I feel sad. You know on Monday I asked my boyfriend for a break because we had just drifted so far apaprt and the more I drifted the more I got aggrevated and the more he got frustrated so we were fighting all the time. I was upset at the fact that he said that he was unsure about the relationship. He never said that he did not want to be in it but it is all in an earlier post. Anyway, I miss him more now than in the beginning. I love this man and want to make it right. I want to talk to him but feel as though it is too soon. I always expressed myself through text or stuff like that and not through words. In the beginning he was so attentive and then things started happening with him at work and with his kids and I pushed and complained for more time instead of sitting down with him and talking things out to see what we could come up with…

  291.  #291Siena on April 8, 2010 at 9:25 am

    okay, I’ve been really tough on Christian Carter in the past on this blog. But today I received an eNewsletter from him that I think is on point. I really admire this edition. I love what he says about being gentle with ourselves as we learn new things about the way we’ve been behaving in relationships. Sharing…

    Subject: Is it Too Late to Get Him Back?

    **Question From A Reader**

    Hi Christian.
    I have just read your latest email about mistakes
    and i have to admit I nearly wept. You are totally
    right! I recently started spending a lot of time
    with a guy I used to know. We had an instant
    connection and he was exactly as you said:
    affectionate at first, initiating plans etc, then
    I made not one mistake but ALL of those you
    mentioned in your email, and as you said…. he
    pulled away big time. The attractions gone for
    him now. What I want to know is, is there any way
    I can reverse the damage I have caused? Can I get
    my friendship with him back on track? Is it
    possible he may learn to feel again what he once
    felt for me? Please help. I’m at my wits end and
    I really do miss having him in my life. I would
    be grateful for any advice you could give me on
    this matter.

    **My Response**


    Let me get right to the point here about
    what you need to do…

    First off, as you start to recognize new
    things about yourself and the mistakes you’ve
    been making, it’s very easy to start thinking that
    things are EVEN WORSE than you thought they were,
    and for that to freak you out.

    But don’t let this stop you from continuing
    to learn and grow.

    There’s a funny thing that happens to us in

    It’s that any time you develop a new AWARENESS
    and you start seeing your behavior and
    interactions in a new light… at first you often
    feel like kicking yourself.

    But getting down on yourself, feeling overly
    frustrated and hopeless, and letting the lack
    of CONTROL you have in your new situation doesn’t

    Here’s the reality if you’ve recognized that
    you’ve been making some of the mistakes I talk


    Here’s why:

    The man you were dating liked you and was
    attracted to you for some reason.

    And as much as it might seem like his
    feelings have changed forever towards you,
    there’s something you should realize-

    whether you want them to or not.

    And you know this from past experience.

    Now… most women don’t handle this reality
    about men, dating, and relationships very well
    at all.

    In fact, lots of women let this completely
    freak them out and take over their emotions
    and how they act and talk.

    What’s behind all this is FEAR.

    Fear of loss.

    Fear of rejection.

    Fear of abandonment.

    Fear of not being loved, or not being good
    enough to be loved.

    And lots of women let these fears take
    over and run the show as their emotions get the
    best of them.

    Of course, I get that it can be a frightening
    idea that all it takes is just a few wrong words
    or actions and “Wham!”… the man in your life who
    you’ve been sharing so much of yourself with is
    suddenly not feeling it for you anymore.

    But here’s the thing:

    The fact that a man’s feelings can change
    so quickly has TWO SIDES to it.

    See, if a man’s feelings can quickly change
    from feeling interested and attracted to a woman,
    to feeling that “Ewwwww” feeling where he wants
    to get away from her…

    It’s also true that a man can quickly change
    from feeling UNATTRACTED and uninterested
    … to feeling intensely ATTRACTED and wanting
    to spend time with you again.

    In other words, men’s feelings and their
    reactions and responses to a woman can change
    quickly in EITHER DIRECTION – from good to bad,
    or from bad to good.

    Of course, I’m not just telling you this because it sounds like it makes sense.

    I KNOW all this firsthand, and have watched and experienced it during the YEARS I’ve spent observing, studying, and coaching women with men, love, and relationships.

    I can honestly say that I’ve helped thousands of women create what I’ll call instant “shifts” in their lives and relationships… and do this with men they thought they had driven away for good.

    The point is, you can either let the fact that a man’s feelings can change as a result of your behavior SCARE you and make you ANXIOUS and INSECURE (which will only make things worse for you) Or…

    You can see that the fact that his feelings can quickly change, can work to your advantage… and you can use this fact to have a man very quickly go from NOT FEELING IT for you… to feeling that gut-level ATTRACTION for you in a few short moments and interactions.

    I’ve literally seen men go from feeling like they had to get away from a woman they were dating and telling all their friends that it was over…

    To suddenly remembering why it was that he
    was interested and attracted to her in the first
    place, and then start calling, making plans, and
    thinking about her all the time.

    I’ll even have to admit that I’ve done this
    myself in the past.

    Now, here’s what to do with all this…

    Becoming more AWARE of what’s going on with
    men, dating, and relationships is just the first

    Being able to simply IDENTIFY the PROBLEMS
    that are causing a man to suddenly lose interest
    is the battle most women struggle endlessly with
    and are NEVER able to understand.

    So… it’s great when you start to really
    become CONSCIOUS of your own thinking, feelings,
    and behavior, and how they effect the man in
    your life


    All the self-awareness in the world isn’t
    going to teach you and show you exactly
    what it is that you need to START DOING to go
    from pushing a man away to making him feel an
    INTENSE level of ATTRACTION when he’s around you.

    Finding out what the PROBLEM is is just half
    the answer that teaches you about what it is
    that you need to STOP DOING.

    But you’ve still got to put the puzzle pieces
    together on what to START DOING.

    Let me give you a quick pointer:

    STOP TALKING to the man in your life about
    the mistakes you’ve made… or about what’s
    happening in your relationship.

    And stop it RIGHT NOW!

    Let me ask you…

    What are men seeking more than anything in
    a woman?

    Well, when it comes to a man finding a woman
    he wants to be with and STAY with… men are
    looking for a woman who is FUN, SEXY – and
    most important in terms of building a lasting
    long term relationship – EASY TO BE WITH.

    This might sound too simple to be something
    that could change your life and relationship…

    But the reality is that most women who are
    having problems with men losing interest in them
    because of their behavior are completely
    misunderstanding what’s going on inside a man’s

    When a woman feels hurt, scared, or uncertain
    with a man… often times she will act out on her
    feelings in indirect ways to try and get the man
    to see what she’s feeling and relate to her and
    start talking about it.

    She wants for a man to recognize and pay
    attention to her feelings… and to UNDERSTAND

    But this is NOT how men react and respond
    when it comes to pain, fear, and uncertainty.

    Men seek to avoid or break through all these
    things… and their minds are constantly working
    to figure out how to get rid of these things
    all together.

    Of course, love and life and relationships
    don’t work this way. But it doesn’t keep men
    from trying, or from wanting the world around
    them to work this way.

    Point being, when a woman shows up and acts
    overly emotional, upset, insecure… and does
    things that are UNATTRACTIVE to a man, it’s bad

    But then when a woman sees the damage that
    her behavior has done to her relationship with
    a man… and she starts to FEEL BAD about that
    too… things quickly go from bad to worse.

    Each time she calls a man and he hears her
    voice, he instantly knows she’s still in that
    place of fear, worry, and emotional uncertainty.

    And this will keep pushing the man further
    and further away.

    The answer isn’t to try and talk through all
    your uncertain feelings with a man – if you’re
    goal is to connect with him and keep building
    his interest and attraction for you.

    The answer is to do the things that create
    attraction in HIM.

    Translation – stop talking and thinking about
    the PROBLEMS you’re feeling between you… and
    start being the woman a man naturally feels
    excited and joyful with when he’s around.

    THEN, when you’re in a close and connected
    place, talking to a man and getting him to
    share and understand – and even initiate
    conversations about your feelings and your
    relationship – will be easier than you ever
    thought possible.

    So stop doing the things that you’re learning
    PUSH MEN AWAY… and START doing the things that
    tons of other women have learned naturally build
    more interest and ATTRACTION inside a man.

    Now, for lots of women it can be a long and
    frustrating process trying to figure out what
    it is that makes a man experience that magic
    FEELING of ATTRACTION … and to feel it so
    strongly that he literally can’t keep himself
    from wanting to be with you.

    Some women spend their entire lives doing
    all the WRONG THINGS with the RIGHT MEN in
    their relationships… only to finally figure
    out too late all the things they were doing
    pretty much guaranteed that a man would stop
    feeling attraction for them as time went on.

    And some women, even after they’ve “done
    the work” and gotten rid of all the negative
    patterns in their life that kept them from
    drawing a man to them for lasting love, still
    can’t clue into the ‘hard-to-identify’ but simple
    things that make a man keep “feeling it” for

    A man needs a woman to trigger something
    inside him that goes much deeper than the
    common Physical Attraction that men can and do
    experience for many women… if he’s going to
    feel and know that THIS woman is not just any
    woman, but the ONE WOMAN he wants to be with.

    And by the way, if you’re making serious
    mistakes with a man such as:

    -Trying to convince him to like you, want you,
    or to stay with you… and completely losing
    your composure when you see any sign of him
    losing interest in you

    -Calling him too much and trying to be the one
    to make plans and make sure that you spend time
    together and see each other

    -Becoming upset with him when he doesn’t call,
    then not knowing how to get your feelings out
    and communicate with him without creating an
    even worse situation for yourself

    Then here’s the thing…

    You’ve probably been doing these kinds of
    things for a while in your life… and not just
    with this one man in particular.

    You’ve probably been doing these kinds of
    things for a while as a PATTERN with the other
    men in your past as well.

    In other words, it’s not just the SITUATION
    that is bringing up all these emotional responses
    and reactions inside you.

    It’s that on a deeper emotional level, YOU
    don’t have some critical parts of your own life
    “handled” or together… and it’s showing up in
    your relationship and pushing him away.

    Don’t let what you aren’t aware of about
    yourself (but could quickly get handled) keep
    you from the love and the relationship you want.

    If you find yourself losing your composure
    too often, letting your emotions take over and
    regretting it too often after the fact, and
    you’re starting to recognize that not all of
    what you’re doing and choosing to do with a man
    is totally CONSCIOUS… then you need to take
    the time and the steps to take care of what’s
    going on INSIDE YOU first.

    Once you take care of what’s happening inside
    you on an emotional, spiritual, and psychological
    level… a lot of the things on your outside that
    a man sees and experiences will start to take
    care of themselves.

    And you’ll start to magnetically ATTRACT
    a man and create the right situations and the
    right relationship from the inside out.

  292.  #292Simply Shannon on April 8, 2010 at 9:31 am

    TW: I remember feeling that anxiety too when my ex and I stopped talking. I knew it was the right thing to do but my brain didn’t want to change. It wanted the status quo, even if the status quo felt like crap.

    To get through all of that, I threw myself into circular dating. I forced myself to go on dates even if I knew I was still holding on to my ex in my heart. I spent more time with my friends. I focused on me.

    For me, when I contact my exes (and I’ve done it after most of my breakups), I have always felt regret. I forced the interaction and wondered after if he really wanted to talk to me or if he was just doing it because I called him or if he was doing it just to be nice and not hurt me more.

    I’m learning that it feels better to wait for a man to initiate contact. Then I’m not left wondering. It is perfectly clear that HE wants to talk to ME. Not the other way around.


  293.  #293Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Has anyone here read Bob Grant’s ebook, “How to Get Him Back”? I got an email about it today and it looks . . . haha, too good to be true….?


  294.  #294Dee Dee on April 8, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Can someone tell me why the man I love, tells me he likes me a lot, doesn’t like all the other women that want him, tells me I belong there when I’m over his home but only wants me as a FWB. Tells me he doesn’t want a relationship but he’s still out there looking (for what I don’t know). It’s been 2 years of this on again off again thing. I’ve tried Circular Dating and haven’t met One Guy who could comes close. Not one I’d ever in a million years be interested in. I’m happy enough knowing that the guy I want still wants me in his life but I don’t want to grow old pining away for him. Can’t seem to meet anyone else I like that much though.

  295.  #295Dee Dee on April 8, 2010 at 10:02 am


    I read that book. It was good and it worked for me to a degree. A few months later I was back to where I started again though.

  296.  #296Ingrid on April 8, 2010 at 10:06 am

    I like to also think of “God” as they do in Al-Anon, and 12-step meetings–as “the God of our understanding”. This is awesome. This hits the nail on the head because people interpret the “God of their understanding” as just that however they understand it. I love that. I love and appreciate all the world’s religions. And however one chooses to view God. I feel it’s beautiful.

    Siena: If I wasn’t married, I would totally go on dating sites. There are so many nice men out there waiting to meet nice women. And with the internet today, this is a great way, I think. Just be careful as there are many Nigerians posing as cute men, but just hoping to get money in the long-run….

    Debbie: I am so sorry you are going through a hard time with your man right now. For sure Rori’s tools will help you.

    I made the same mistake so many times when my husband and I were separated, being the one to call him/text him. I know it pushed him further away from me in the long run, and most likely post-poned our reconciliation, which took 2 years, when it may have took way less.

    I loved reading the story of Nora, on the e-letter today Rori.

    Good Day All~

  297.  #297Siena on April 8, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Lucy, yes I have it and have read it. I like Bob Grant, and I think that book is worth its price.

    But – there’s no real strategy beyond what Rori has already written here. Rori and Bob agree: wait for your guy to call you and then respond and be available and be feminine.

    I tend to believe that it’s not a question of “if” a man shows up again, but a question of “when”.

    And using all Rori’s tools seem to be the best fighting chance that we have at really making a relationship work when he presents himself.



  298.  #298Ingrid on April 8, 2010 at 10:10 am

    Hi Shannon:

    I did the same thing, and always, always felt regret afterwards, wondering would he have contacted me? if I didn’t initiate it. This sucks doesn’t it? Live and learn. I find it intriguing that a man will always find time to do what he wants in the long run anyway. This should be clues for us women. If he wants to see us, he’ll do something about it.!!!! LOL scream~~~~mad~~~~frustrated~~~~confused~~~ it’;s when they don’t, we feel these things.

  299.  #299Siena on April 8, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Ingrid, LOL about the Nigerian men! I’ll be practicing my siren skillz on there, so if a Nigerian swindler wants to try to get some cash from me, I say – bring it on! It will be a good chance to practice saying no and practice communicating my boundaries. Or trusting my intuition and then seeing it be proved right.

  300.  #300Goodheart on April 8, 2010 at 10:18 am

    TW, I know all too well the sadness you are feeling right now & I want to send you a hug. It is an awful emptiness & you would do anything to alleviate it. I remember waking up in the morning & saying outloud Oh God & bursting into tears because I did not want to face the day. So I want to tell you this – you asked for space for a reason. Your intuition was telling you that something wasn’t right. You weren’t getting what you needed. Do not feel bad for this. Our intuition is with us for a very good reason.

    I know you miss him, but he was the one pulling away in the first place, no? The distance is what caused the fighting & what caused you to want to take time to gather your thoughts? That is exactly what happened with me. Exactly. And at first I felt all that you’re feeling – that I was the one who asked for space so shouldn’t I be the one to contact him? I’m telling you TW, I did just that. And he was receptive, but he hadn’t changed. And you know why? Because he wasn’t feeling it for me. That’s why there was distance in the first place. That’s what made my intuition kick in & push me to back up. To proctect me.

    And even though I was the one who initiated the break up, I really wasn’t. Do you see what I’m saying? His behavior caused it. He wanted me around, as a friend, but didn’t want to say it. But I felt it. And when I pushed it came out. And it hurt like hell, but at least it wasn’t 6 more months down the road where I would hurt a thousand times more. If I could go back & do anything differently, you know what I would do? I would redirect my focus away from him. I wouldn’t call have him on his sh** I simply would’ve treated him as just a guy I was dating & I would’ve dated other guys & done more of my own stuff. That’s all. But the pain made me want answers. It made me want to understand. But it didn’t work. Answers don’t help after the fact. But now I know to recognize a man’s actions or lack thereof & never, ever get off my own path.

    Love to you TW, it will get better.

  301.  #301Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 10:22 am

    Oh, Siena, thanks. What are the “9 incredibly powerful words you can say to your man that will make him realize he simply couldn’t bear to lose you” that he mentions in his promo letter? I feel curious about that!

    And, he also says that the book will tell you why a man’s imagination is one of the things that will work in your favor. Can you explain what he says in the book about that? 🙂



  302.  #302Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 10:25 am

    Haha. Siena, I said no to a man online yesterday and told him it was based on my intuition, and it took FOUR rounds of emails with him to convince him that my intuition was a valid way to make a decision!!!! I felt so amused (and told him so!). He kept saying, “But it’s not logical. It doesn’t make sense.” And I kept saying, “It’s not supposed to be logical– it’s intuition!”

    He finally apologized for being “insolent.” I wasn’t mad or even annoyed. It all felt like fun to me. 🙂

  303.  #303Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Goodheart — I love what you wrote to TW.

    I had that same exact experience with a guy back in college — I broke up with him, but it was because I wasn’t getting enough love and attention from him. I actually transferred to a different college at the other side of the state to start anew and to stop myself from going back to him (we didn’t have all this e-stuff back then to tempt me to stay in touch! No cell phones, even — just a pay phone in the dorm hallway! Much easier back then, right??)

    Anyway, the following year, he tracked me down and showed up at my college! I had another boyfriend by then and we were talking about marriage, so it was too late for him. But then, a year after THAT, he showed up AGAIN, and I was available — but I just didn’t feel anything for him any more.

  304.  #304Siena on April 8, 2010 at 10:36 am

    Hi Lucy,

    The “imagination” part is Bob Grant’s way of explaining Rori’s lean back. If a man doesn’t know what you’re doing (because you’re leaning back, not contacting him, not being his “friend”), his imagination can start to think of all the awesome things you MIGHT be doing (dating an incredible man who is 100x a better lover than he was, making millions of dollars, looking really hot on a Sat night). And this can work in your favor. BG says that men hate to leave things undone, and him not knowing what you are doing is basically something that’s left undone. So he’ll contact you eventually to alleviate his imagination and re-prove to himself why you two broke up in the first place.

    So when he contacts you, you better have an awesome life, because you can’t fake it. Men have a “she’s faking it” radar. So, now’s the time to get out there and get an incredible life, heal the stuff that needs to be healed and become the Siren that Rori talks about.

    The 9 words are – “If you’re not careful, you’ll lose me forever”. But these are the FINAL FINAL FINAL words you can ever say to him before you turnaround and walk away forever. And these words can only come as a last result after you’ve leaned back for several months and not initiated any contact.

    But BG also says that men respond to action, not words. So those 9 words aren’t actually necessary if you follow Rori’s tools (CD, etc), because you will be DEMONSTRATING to him what those words say.

    And I believe that anytime we – as sirens – have to say something as obvious as that, we are giving up some of our power as women.

    🙂 Siena

  305.  #305TW on April 8, 2010 at 10:38 am


    You all have e mailed too much for me to answer individually but I get it. When we separate before he came back around but we never talked about what was wrong or what I was feeling or how it made me feel. I just pushed it to the side you know and I do not want it to happen again you know. I am interested in more about the Christian Carter stuff too because I found the post to be quite interesting. Share more please… I mean I am not asking you to post his whole book but how did you come to getting his emails and stuff like that.

  306.  #306Siena on April 8, 2010 at 10:43 am

    LOL – TW, wait – I could cut and paste the book… oh… no? Okay. haha I’m kidding.

    I think CC’s website is The newsletter that I posted was his free one that he offers on his site. I don’t actually have any of his books.

    So I couldn’t paste them here even if I wanted 😉

  307.  #307Goodheart on April 8, 2010 at 10:54 am

    Lucy, yes technology can be our biggest dilemma! Exes can look us up on Facebook (which I’m not on) or simply google us. Ick. It takes away the mystery & put temptation right there at our fingertips. Well, my guy hasn’t tried to contact me at all & it’s been over 2 months. He must be having a good ol’ time!

    My deepest heartbreak though came from a man who avoided me like the plague after our breakup, which he initiated. But a year later he flagged me down as I was driving & had me pull over so we could talk. I didn’t even get out of my car – made him talk to me through the window. I had finally moved on. Then a couple months later he called me & said he’d been deeply depressed & was moving – out of the country. I know it was several years before he found someone to replace me.

    That’s what I’m choosing to believe now – my last guy is too deep in depression & pride to contact me. He stares at my picture every night & wonders why I haven’t called. 🙂 A girl can dream, right?

  308.  #308Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 11:02 am

    Siena, thanks so much for sharing the Bob Grant stuff — and for your own insights about it!

    Hmm, and I thought the nine words were, “I miss you so much, monkey!”

    Oh, that’s only six words. 😀

  309.  #309Vicki Kerns on April 8, 2010 at 11:05 am

    I agree. Facebook can be a bad tool. I remember looking at PB’s (puppetboy) Facebook page last fall & saw his comment on how he had met someone and enjoyed the time he spent with them and God it was great to be single. Felt like a knife went through me. I haven’t looked at his page since. It’s been tempting, but I remind myself that I don’t need to cause myself any extra pain from this clown.

    But ladies, don’t you all just wish deep down sometimes (I know it’s a fantasy of mine) that at some point in the future, he will see you, looking awesome, smiling up into the eyes of another man who quite clearly adores you; and you hope he’ll wish, “God, I was an idiot to let her slip out of my life.”

  310.  #310Lucy on April 8, 2010 at 11:06 am

    Oh yes, Goodheart! I know my guy is doing the same thing, poor fella! 😀


  311.  #311Stephanie on April 8, 2010 at 11:08 am

    OMG! Yes Christian made such great points and right 100%. I can’t believe i am seeing this now at 36.I realize there were some life changes that got me to such a negative point within my self, i had some relationship and life experiances later in adulthood. I have recently lost the man in my life in the begining for months we were good but my constant emotional breakdowns changed everything and we never recovered. I loved him very much and he loved me but once the shift took place his love turned to routine, maybe he just didnt want hurt me or better yet he wanted to have a reliable sex partner when others were not available, funny. I never thought of myself in these ways, actually i had always been able to attract, get and keep a man. I remeber not dating one guy but a few at a time. Everywhere i went i could attract men and hold their attention i realize that siren in me was in control, of her emotions- life-wants/needs-what man is in her world. I was not looking for a relationship but offered marriage constantly! Amazing!! Thank you Rori for showing us step by step how to correct the mistakes and get back to loving the diva’s we are, returning to really living in our world and learning to invite those who truely deserve & want to be there for us, in.


  312.  #312dorothea on April 8, 2010 at 11:19 am

    FUCK facebook. it has caused more problems in my dating relationships than most anything else. i can see who is on his friend’s list, who he is talking to, who is talking to him. i freakin’ unfriended my latest guy. fuck the headache.
    i still check on his wall, which is public. i still feel jealous uneasy feelings.

    pardon the language

  313.  #313Siena on April 8, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    LOL Lucy about your 6 words!

  314.  #314Rori Raye on April 8, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    Stephanie, Welcome! Love, Rori

  315.  #315Rori Raye on April 8, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Dee Dee – Circular Dating – used to your best advantage to practice the Modern Siren and all my other Tools will help you bring this man closer. Love, Rori

  316.  #316Rori Raye on April 8, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Ingrid, Thank you for your lovely post…Rori

  317.  #317Ingrid on April 8, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    Are there any “married for a while” ladies out there? I’d like to know, how to keep your man wild about you after ummmm several years of marriage? What’s your secret Rori? It’s so easy to fall into the drudgery of everyday life……taking care of kids, cooking, cleaning, etc. How to keep the magic alive once you catch the handsome gorgeous man of your dreams? And how do you NOT be jealous when he notices other women? This has always been hard for me, why? because my husband is a gorgeous hunk…….GASP and everywhere we go, women stare at him……Sometimes I think life would be so much easier with a fat short and bald man….lol


  318.  #318Dee Dee on April 9, 2010 at 4:14 am

    Rori, Do you tell the one guy you love that you’re dating (circular or otherwise) or keep it to yourself. I’m sure he’s seen me on although he’s never looked at my profile.

  319.  #319Ankita on April 9, 2010 at 5:37 am

    Hello Deedee,

    If he asks u if you are seeing someone else too, then you can say that you are circular dating or have male pals. It’s best to be honest here. It lets a man know that you are not sitting at home waiting for his call, and that makes him step up.

    But explaining him the reason that why you choose to do so, I don’t feel is a very good idea.

    If he asks you, why are you circular dating, you can say, “It feels like going steady before you even know someone. It feels like a lot of pressure. That feels really scary to me.”

    It’s a really mature approach. And as far as I have seen, it scares off the immature guys and makes real men step up.

  320.  #320Dee Dee on April 9, 2010 at 5:57 am

    Well he already knows about my platonic male pals and he knows I dated someone on match so I guess he just doesn’t want a “relationship” with me. But god, do I hate to give up seeing him altogether. Thank you for your help, Ankita!

  321.  #321heartbeat on April 9, 2010 at 6:06 am

    Ankita – I love this: “It feels like going steady before you even know someone. It feels like a lot of pressure. That feels really scary to me.”

    I’ll use that if I need to! Thanks xx

  322.  #322TW on April 9, 2010 at 6:11 am

    Dee Dee-

    That was an interesting question and I thank you for asking because I do not know how to handle that situation if my ex were to ask me but now I do. I am so bogged down in trying to finish school that I do not know which end is up.

  323.  #323Dee Dee on April 9, 2010 at 6:31 am

    Dear TW. You will get everything done. I finally, finally graduated in Spring 2008! 2 months after the ex broke up with me, right before a huge test in Statistics. I couldn’t believe I got through but I did.
    You will too.

  324.  #324dawn on April 9, 2010 at 6:52 am

    Ingrid, If you feel good about yourself then so will he. Its your vibe that attracts or distracts him. Personally I wouldnt want to be with a man that doesnt appreciate a beautiful or facinating woman. It doesnt mean he doesnt appreciate you but that he is capable of appreciating your beauty and facination.

  325.  #325TW on April 9, 2010 at 7:25 am

    Ladies… My ex just sent me a silly little fwd text. I think he is trying to see if I am going to respond to him… lmao

  326.  #326TW on April 9, 2010 at 7:32 am


    Congrats and this is my last class. Yo uknow you have that anxiety and want to do well.

  327.  #327TW on April 9, 2010 at 10:48 am


    Where are you all today?!?!?!? I am sitting at work bored as ever needing my online network of sisters to entertain me.

  328.  #328Siena on April 9, 2010 at 11:32 am

    Hi TW! I’m here – just finished my taxes. I think I owe. Is it Siren-like to feel anger at the IRS? Ugh!

    I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and a little blue. Have closed 200+ matches on eHarmony, and am communicating with about 30 on there. And signed up on Match yesterday and have a few on there that I am now emailing with.

    I think I took Rori’s advice of “Welcome ALL men as your free therapists” a little too literally. So I was feeling down and feeling really bored with all my free therapists and about to come on here to explain when FINALLY someone stepped up with a fun message to me.

    I mean, isn’t dating SUPPOSED to be fun? blech, I kinda hate CD. I really do. But I guess it’s supposed to be good for us, right?

    Please God, let this end sooooooooooooon!

  329.  #329TW on April 9, 2010 at 11:40 am


    I get your whole deal about the circular dating thing. I think it is good in the fact that it lest you practice what you have learned but I also think it is a waste of my time to date someone that I know that I am not interested in if that makes any sense. My ex sent me the cutest text this morning with one of my favorite songs attached to it. Small gesture but it made me feel happy and sad all at the same time but whatever. I have too much other stuff to worry about than to worry about him today.

  330.  #330Dee Dee on April 9, 2010 at 11:45 am

    I have just been trying the Circular Dating thing per Rori and at least it gets me out of the house and given me a few very good free meals! I didn’t like any of the 3 guys I dated a couple of weeks ago at all. I have a nice picture up on match and a couple of other sites but I noticed I had go make the first move with these 3 guys. Not good. No one I even want to date out there but if the guy is semi-cute at this point, I will take one date and see if I can at least make a new friend. You know you’re not over the ex when you’re still comparing. But it did get me out, made me dress up and I saved money on dinner.

  331.  #331Siena on April 9, 2010 at 11:50 am

    TW, I wish there were no such things as exes. I really don’t understand why life is like that! How do you feel about responding to him with, “that text was really cute. But it made me feel happy and sad at the same time.”

    I’m “dating” these men only because I really and truly am looking for messages. I kindof see it as medicine. I’m taking all this medicine until the day when I don’t have to anymore.

    But it’s a pain in the ass! ahhhhhhh!

  332.  #332TW on April 9, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Dee Dee-

    I get you and what happened to me was I met this guy and in person he was not all what he looked like in his picute so a picture is not always worth a thousand words but anyway, I went out with him a couple of times and he was all into me way to fast and it was unattractive in a sense you know. I was like dude we just met and you are inviting me over with soft music, candles, and wine. Needless to say that was the last time I saw him. That is what really turned me off to the whole circular dating thing but I can say that my ex and I were drifting apart at that time and he came right back once my mind was focused on other things but anyway I did not like the fact that I hurt thee guys feelings you know. I mean what if it was the other way around and I was all into him and he wasn’t into me and the only reason he went out with me was because he was trying to keep his mind off of an old girlfriend so it has its good and bad points to me.

  333.  #333TW on April 9, 2010 at 11:55 am


    Right now he does not even need to know that I feel happy and sad or what I feel. I responded with you know I love that song with a smiley face and that was it…

  334.  #334Goodheart on April 9, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Hi Ladies 🙂 I feel your frustration with CD. I am not online anymore as I just could not drag myself on one more date where I felt zero attraction for the guy. Right now I belong to a hiking meetup group & I practice feeling messages on those guys. Last night one of them told me he wanted to take me out for a burger 🙂 The one I thought was cute I didn’t approach. I just hung back & he started walking with me & asking me questions, but then, after we stopped for a break, I really fell behind & the burger guy hung with me the whole time, which I felt was super sweet. I was wearing crappy shoes & kept slipping! I don’t know if I’ll see any of them again, but I practiced leaning back & using feeling messages.

    I really could’ve used a foot massage last night though. I should’ve said, “A foot massage would feel so great right now.” Wonder if anyone would’ve jumped on that? Probably not.

  335.  #335Siena on April 9, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Goodheart, “could not drag myself on one more date where I felt zero attraction for the guy.” I TOTALLY hear you! I wonder what Rori or another siren would say about this? What’s a girl to do when she hits this brick wall?

  336.  #336Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    TW: “Right now he does not even need to know that I feel happy and sad or what I feel. I responded with you know I love that song with a smiley face and that was it…”

    Then why respond at all? If he doesn’t deserve to know my feelings, then why bother? This feels weird, like game playing. If I’m going to respond, then I’d use feeling messages.

    Feeling messages are the only way to share who we really are.

  337.  #337Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Siena and Goodheart: For me, the brick wall happens when I’m focused on meeting “the one” instead of having fun. Like Mercedes has listed on her blog before, dating is just a latte, not a marriage proposal. You know… just a chance encounter, not a proposal. It feels a lot easier to go on dates when I consider it that way. It’s just a way to spend my time. I’m not expecting that this guy sitting in front of me is prince charming. He’s just a guy. But who knows? And that can happen anywhere! It doesn’t have to be a date. I don’t have to accept EVERY single date. I don’t have to fill up my calendar. I can choose to date myself. I can say no when I don’t feel excited about going out that night. And I can say yes to simply spending time with another human being who happens to be a man. 🙂

    If I need to take a break, then I take a break. But I haven’t gotten off my horse.

  338.  #338TW on April 9, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Simply Shannon.. You are right… I guess I did not think about it that way. I guess with all of the pinned up emotions I do not know how to handle him contacting me even if it is with a simple text because you know exactly who you are texting and he sent that and the song is from my favorite artist so he knew what he was doing. I do not want him to feel as though I am playing games because I am not just do not know how to react sometimes.

  339.  #339dawn on April 9, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Siena, I feel your frustration. I feel you limit yourself by claiming youve hit a wall. What wall ?

  340.  #340Goodheart on April 9, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Siena, I have a feeling we are supposed to drag ourselves, in order to get the messages & to practice. But I believe that if we are truly burned out, which I was, that we should find an alternate route. That’s why I’m doing the meetups. There are a variety of guys, girls too (we can even practice with them). And we don’t have to sit across from one for an hour. We can just chat for a few minutes & move on to the next if we get bored 🙂

  341.  #341Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    And I’ve gone through those spells several times where I just needed to back off. That dating became my life. That sucked. It felt overwhelming and confusing. I think that’s why Rori says three men. But there for awhile, I was going on so many first dates that it was hard to keep track. I’ve since backed off. Right now I’m only dating one guy because no others have stepped up. It’s kind of messing with me at the moment. Not sure how to go back to dating others. I feel nervous about it. I kind of dropped off the online dating market. It just felt weird, like the wrong place for me. I need some new material. 🙂

  342.  #342dawn on April 9, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Siena and Goodheart, There are no expectations in CD. Its two people sharing an experience. I CD everywhere I go.

  343.  #343Vicki Kerns on April 9, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    Goodheart, you should have done the foot message. Never know until you try. I have trouble grasping the whole CD concept because I have 1 date about every (and using my track record for the last 20 years), let’s see, that would be about 1 date every 5-6 years!!!! But I AM trying. I am in the process of losing weight (6 lbs. down, 58 more to go). And I’m doing it for me. I remember when I lost 50 lbs. 3 years ago (before my mom got sick), I felt so good about myself. I dressed up, did my hair and makeup, wore high heels, and swaggered my hips, baby! I’m working on myself.

    I tell ya, I don’t know about anyone else’s experiences on these datings sites, but I look at all these different guys, and there are so many of them who are overweight, dumpy and just plain ugly, but in their profile, they are looking for hot, slender, young things. Well, in my profile I put that if that’s all they’re looking for to just keep right on driving!

    And in your 50s, you get a number of these midlife crisis guys. Sheesh!

  344.  #344Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    TW: Then why not say to him:

    When you sent me that text, I felt happy and sad at the same time. I don’t want text messages if that’s all there is between us. What do you think?

    Or personally, I’d let this time go and not say anything else. When he contacts you again with a silly text, I wouldn’t respond unless he asks for a response. If he really wants to talk to you, he’ll call or ask you to respond. Otherwise, I’d treat it like any other impersonal contact, like junk mail.

    I would feel awful continuing to respond to silly texts and get nothing more. A man is either pursuing me or he isn’t.

  345.  #345Ankita on April 9, 2010 at 12:31 pm

    Dee dee,

    First think what you want.. Of course you want a good and happy relationship….

    For that you need to get involved with guys who are capable of stepping up for you… And if you think that he doesn’t wants a relationship with you, then it may be hard to do, but you need to move ahead…

    To have a great relation, you need a great man, not any particular man.

    Keep on practicing whatever you are doing, lean back, and these things are surely gonna help you. If not he, someone else will step up.

    At the end of the day, What makes you happy is what matters the most…

    U r most welcome…

  346.  #346Vicki Kerns on April 9, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    OK ladies, just a little levity to brighten a Friday. Have a great weekend, sirens!

    This is an “actual letter” from an Austin, TX, woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine’s 2007 Editors’
    Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

    Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

    But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
    Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

    Isn’t the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
    customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You
    surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of
    cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
    backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

    Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
    anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
    ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss
    your brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.


    Wendi Aarons
    Austin, TX

  347.  #347TW on April 9, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Simply Shannon-

    That is true but I have to keep in mind that he has feelings just as I do and I was the one that asked for a break not him and maybe he is just testing the waters because I do not get them often you know. I think because it was my favorite song he sent it to me. I did not take it personally but I was actually shocked to see something from him. Because of our work schedules we text a lot more than we would talk because it was easier for us because when he was on night shift then I would be getting off and he would be going in so we would text each other and when he was on days he would be at work before I woke up in the morning so we would text each other throughout the day so I guess that is why it does not phase me on that level because that was a primary mode of communication for us.

  348.  #348Ankita on April 9, 2010 at 12:34 pm


    You are most welcome… Happy to help.. 🙂 🙂

  349.  #349Goodheart on April 9, 2010 at 12:37 pm

    Vicki, you’re right. I need to really work on saying what I’m feeling. I’m still in safe mode. And I have nothing to lose with these people. So, next hike, I will try even more. This is actually CD. It’s just not one on one from dating sites.

    Congrats on losing the 6 lbs! And I think you should feel good about yourself now. Just like you did when you lost the 50 lbs. Confidence is the most attractive trait in anyone. I know plenty of women who aren’t skinny minnies & they have their pick of men.

    So wiggle those hips now!

  350.  #350Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    TW: I feel kind of annoyed. Reading your posts feels like you’re explaining to me how wrong I am. And well… that doesn’t feel so good. 🙂 So I’ll stop telling you what I’d do in your shoes. Instead I’ll ask, how do you feel when you get those random text messages? What do you want? Is this ex giving that to you? There’s a reason he’s your ex, right? Even if it was your decision, there was a reason. I feel curious. I’ll stop advice giving and just listen.

  351.  #351TW on April 9, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    Simply Shannon-

    I think you misunderstood. I was just telling you how we were in the beginning and how all the texting came about that would explain the statement that I previously made. I guess that is one of the downfalls of posting and not actually talking but I welcome any comments you choose to make. That is the purpose of these post for all of us to share our views so it is helpful to see what others would do…

  352.  #352Siena on April 9, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Dawn and Simply Shannon ,

    Really good point. okay, this is all about having fun, leaning back and feeling feminine. The brick wall comes when I mix expectations in there.

    So, no more expectations.

    I feel best when I live a quiet life, though. The CD requires a LOT of effort. I’m used to having one guy at a time, and I’ve dated a lot.

    So it’s flexing these CD muscles at a time in my life when I’m really over dating. I mean, I’m 36 – and been dating since I was 18 or so. LOTS of dates. I’m feeling really tired of it and feel ready for the real thing.

    And I can’t help but compare these recent (past 3 months) to my last bf. I really and truly believed he was the “one”. And I know that if he is, he will be back and all this will be worth it. And I’m not waiting for him, I’m on my horse, on my bridge. I want marriage and family more than I want him.

    But it just feels like A LOT of effort! I’m waiting to find that “sweet spot”. Not there yet. Not giving up or going backwards either!

    Love to you all,


  353.  #353TW on April 9, 2010 at 1:11 pm


    That is a good outlook you know. I guess I never thought about it that way. I think in the end my ex and I may end up back together because he really is the one that I want to be with but my energy and effort is on me right now and I really do not have time to focus on anyone else… So I am in there with ya girl… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CD!!!!!!!

  354.  #354Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    TW: I get ya girl. I promise. I don’t feel mad. Just feeling unsure what to say.

    When I read your last post, I get the same annoyed feelings. I think it’s all the explaining. I have no idea how you FEEL because what I hear is you telling me why this and why that. Can you see that?

    Trust me, I do this too! I explain. And then explain my explanation. Ugh. I want to stop doing this.

    So right now I feel confused. I don’t really know what to say. I feel interested in how you feel. So think quick… you just got a text from your ex, it’s a funny text that has your favorite song attached… how do you feel?

  355.  #355TW on April 9, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Simply Shannon-

    Just read your post and I get your point. It did feel weird. EWWWWW!!! Guess I had my light bulb moment.. lmao!!!

    Thinking quickly ( I like that lol)

    I feel suprised, shocked, confused, excited, lonely, mad, sexual, longing, just a big ball of confusion. Does that make sense?!?!?!? I feel as though I want to hear his voice or feel him run his fingers across my hairline until I fall asleep like he once did. I feel like kissing him and slapping him all at the same time… UGH!!!!!!

    Thanks.. That helped a lot!!! You can not even imagine 🙂

  356.  #356Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:24 pm




    “I feel suprised, shocked, confused, excited, lonely, mad, sexual, longing, just a big ball of confusion. Does that make sense?!?!?!? I feel as though I want to hear his voice or feel him run his fingers across my hairline until I fall asleep like he once did. I feel like kissing him and slapping him all at the same time… UGH!!!!!!”

    omg PLEASE tell him this!!! THIS is what you share. he’ll be HOOOKEDDDDDD

  357.  #357Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    omg that was like the most amazing feeling message ever, especially the part about sexual, big ball, and running his fingers through your hair,



    I gotta step mine up! yours feels so freakin sexual and romantic!!!


    i love my jealous feelings!! i will do this!!!!

  358.  #358Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    I feel sexual!

    I feel longing!

    I feel a big ball of confusion!

    I feel like i want to hear your voice or have you run your fingers through my hairline until i fall asleep like you once did.

    I feel like kissing you and slapping you at the same time! UGH!


    omgosh. TW youre gonna freakin blow him away – well more like attract him forever

  359.  #359TW on April 9, 2010 at 1:30 pm


    You have to thank Simply Shannon for those because normally I am an overthinker and you can see from previous post that I do tend to do that more often than not but she told me to think quickly and post and so I did without overthinking it and that is what came out. Cool huh? Try it, it really works!!!

  360.  #360Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    Yeah TW! I feel connected to you! And I totally agree with Daria!! Send it to him.

    Gosh, now I feel horny. What is up with that?!?

    Tootles for now ya’ll. Gonna go get ready for a hot date. Shannon

  361.  #361Simply Shannon on April 9, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Oh no TW. You aren’t going to give all that to me. You can thank yourself for all that luscious gooey-ness! You are a purrrrrfectly delicious Siren! I just asked a good question. 😉

  362.  #362TW on April 9, 2010 at 1:33 pm


    I dont know how to tell him though. I feel that I want to respond to his text from earlier but I do not know how to word it you know. He reached out but I can not have a text conversation this must be done face to face…

    SIMPLY SHANNON… Help?!?!?!?!?!

    I want to say It would feel nice to hear your voice but how do I start that with I feel?

  363.  #363TW on April 9, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Simply Shannon..

    Thanks girl… THat felt refreshing!!! I am jealous of you girl with your date and all but have a great time… Go het em Tiger… (Well maybe Tiger was not the best word to use but you get what I am saying… lmao)

    Get sexy and have fun and use feeling messages and be in the moment!!! Post all about it later so I hcan live my night through you because I will be up doing homework

  364.  #364TW on April 9, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Simply Shannon-

    I feel you deserve credit because you took th efear out of answering the question by telling me to act quickly in the response. It took the anxiety away!!! YAY!!!

  365.  #365Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    TW – text him EXACTLY what you wrote here (change the hims to yous).

  366.  #366Daria on April 9, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    no this does not have to be face to face. this IS a text conversation. for now.

    so either text him your TRUE FEELINGS which you wrote here which will attract him like crazy.

    or wait until he contacts you again, find ur true feelings like this, and say/text them then.


    If it were me I would be sending him that love spellicious feeling message now

  367.  #367TW on April 9, 2010 at 1:55 pm


    I sent it and I feel better because now I know that I have gotten it off my chest and now whatever happens just happens. You know I asked him for a break and all but for me that was something that I should have done a long time ago. My other text were long and overthough an did not have 1 I feel in it but I just simply cut and past and changed the him’s to you’s and let it go and I feel free!!!!

  368.  #368Daria on April 9, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    YAY TW!!!! wooo hooo!!!

  369.  #369Siena on April 9, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    okay, I’m feeling really jealous of that feeling message too. Damn! Wish I had known before!! grrrrrrrr. That’s okay, I’m totally gonna say something like that one day in the future (if that’s how I’m feeling, of course). TW, pleaassseeee let us know how he responds! I’m feeling on pins and needles about how he’s going to respond!

    Just had a revelation today of how 5 year man came back again and again and how I constantly pushed him away because of my own fears of intimacy. I had totally forgotten that part!

    At least 2 times that I can remember, he showed up in places where he didn’t belong (meaning, randomly in strange cities we ran into each other) when I was thinking about him. And BOTH times I shut down. One time, I turned the other way and walked away before he saw me.

    okay, so I know I can draw men in… that’s not the issue. KEEPING them is my issue. Intimacy is my issue.

    Even today, man on Match started REALLY flirting with me and I totally held back and started to shut down. Hmmm… scared much, Siena? Yep, I feel really afraid of too much flirting. I feel like I’m gonna lose control. hmmm – would that be so bad?

    This month is about feeling bold. So I’m going to boldly respond to Match-man with feeling messages.

    drumroll please…

  370.  #370Daria on April 9, 2010 at 4:10 pm

    Drumrolll for siena!!!!

  371.  #371TW on April 9, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    Daria and Siena-

    Thanks ladies but it was only when Simply Shannon said to me not to think about it and just post quickly that is what I did and how it came out. I did that for me and yes I did text him and I would love to hear from him but in the even that I do not I know that I expressed myself and it is closure or a new beginning and I am comfortable with that so ladies just do the same. Do not think about anything and just write…

    Unfortunately, I have my cell turned off right now because I am swamped with an assignment that I need to get done but I will check before I go to bed if I get to go to bed tonight. I feel overwhelmed. Just do not think and post a message. It really helps…

  372.  #372Ingrid on April 9, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Dear Sienna:

    Hi from Ingrid~ If I can help in any way, I am here. I have learned tons from being married over 20 years and what I’d do differently if I had it to do over again.

    What websites are you trying? There are just so many. BE careful. As I said, I was deceived when I was separated from hubby and met, what I thought was such a nice and cute man, and he turned out to be a Nigerian money chaser. GASP./ I am glad to hear your Siren antennas are up. LOL. I love the dating sites. They are fun, and I’d do them if I wasn’t married.

    You will meet a nice man Sienna if it is in your heart. I’d like to share a little testimony of mine here. I know Rori is not too keen on religion and stuff, but this is how it happened for me, and just had to share it.

    OK. I was seeing an awesome man who treated me like a lady and was so nice, cute and successful too. Trouble was, he was a raging alcoholic. He’d turn up daily at my law firm with a rose on my desk, after every nite together, yet drunk even, from the night before. His dad is a Superior Court Judge and He is brilliant himself yet had this super big issue. We were together for 2 years. He moved in with me, and promised me he’d never come home wasted, drunk, which he did, upsetting all my neighbors in my cute courtyard apartment. It was just too much for me and I did not want to deal with it.

    When we broke up, I prayed, Lord, you know the desires of my heart, if it’s not your Will, I’ll be a nun, just show me please, whatever You want. !!!! I’ll go to Africa and serve you all the days of my life, if this is YOUr Will. But I also said, Lord you KNOW I want to be married and have kids, so if this is YOUR Will, I surrender it. I said Lord, I know you will give me the desires of my heart. Friend, about a week later, I met my beautiful and amazing husband. AMAZING~~~ And what is sooo completely co-incidental is that believe it or not, his parents were married in the same exact church as my parents, and my sister, and voila where we were married too. It was more than co-incidence. It was providence~ divine~~

    I find when we surrender to HIS, the God of our Understanding’s Will, things will work out as planned, for some reason. They do. Trust honey. Trust, and read too in your Bible too. Here is the verse I meditated on back then. Psalm 37:4: Commit your works and ways to the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I prayed Lord the desires of my heart are to do whatever you want me to do. Quite simple. And now, almost 25 years later, here I am, still wanting to do His Will now, with a turn of events, as you know. I feel though Siena, we will never be let down ever when we follow the God of our understanding.

    I know Rori frowns on religious opinions, but I feel if there are other opinions, why not from the Bible too? They are all guides for our lives. And surely we all need guides, in whatever shape or form.

    God Bless You~

    Let me know what transpires. OK? I am here for you, ever. Thanks for being there for me too.\

  373.  #373Ingrid on April 9, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    Dear Single Women:

    My advice is to NOT call or even think about the men in your head, mind and heart. I KNOW how hard it is, but believe me, you will be better off if you don’t. Let THEM pursue YOU. WHY? cuz you’re worth it. You are godesses, you have something to offer, you’re amazing, you’re fun, you’re talented, you’re giving, you’re nurturing, you make awesome food and cakes and take care of men when they are sick. You are a good lover, you love kids, you are generous, you do things for others, you help the poor, you love God, you are pure, decent, good, honest, sexy, and loving. You are a catch! If a man doesn’t see this HE’S a FOOL. WAIT for someone else then.

    KNOW how wonderful YOU ARE, most importantly.\

    AND, godesses, let me know if you;ve seen any good movies lately. My recommdendation is “Bright Star” Sooooo good!

  374.  #374Erika Awakening on April 9, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Mmm, I’m still getting these messages in my inbox. Does all this advice-giving and advice-seeking sometimes feel hamster-wheel-ish to anyone but me?

    I agree completely with surrender and trusting God.

    I don’t agree with the “don’t think about him” advice at all. firstly because it’s impossible advice for anyone to follow. The more a woman tries not to think of him, the more she obsesses, from what I’ve seen.

    and secondly because the guys I’m thinking gently of are always thinking of me at the same time. just yesterday a guy I had been thinking of texted me out of the blue. happens all the time. happens the other direction as well.

  375.  #375Siena on April 9, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Hi Ingrid,

    Thank you for your post. I hear where you’re coming from, and I can hear your heart wanting to help mine.

    My decision this month is to “be bold”, so I want to respond to the advice you’ve given me and maybe show you my heart so you will perhaps see how your advice can be harmful to someone like me.

    …so – First, I feel very peaceful as I write this. I feel no anger or hurt at all.

    I wonder if you can see how advice like that could feel condescending to me? It feels condescending. I am a 36 yo woman who attracts many men. At one time, I was a ballerina and runway model, have been in commercials and I still turn heads. I’ve started 2 successful businesses and have headed up multi-million dollar projects. I’ve traveled the world and have lived in Europe. My problem has never been attracting men nor am I some kind of wilting flower. I consider myself somewhat cosmopolitan. But I also realize that where intimacy is concerned, I have a real fear.

    I hid that fear of intimacy behind Christianity for a long time. Because I believed that if I was “good”, followed the commandments, was “pure”, and prayed to God, He would send me a husband. The time I spent praying for a husband and trying my hardest to not sin, I completely disregarded my need to get in touch with my feelings of fear of intimacy and blamed the “not married” part on the guys I was attracting. (Or at one point, on God.)

    Finding Rori’s work and posting on this forum, and working with some of her products has been a real eye (and heart) opener for me. I am learning to express myself in ways that I didn’t even realize I could. I have discovered my fear of intimacy – something that I kept buried under prayers and church for a long time. I am learning sooo much about myself and FEELING my way through situations that I used to think or even pray my way through.

    It feels scary to do that, but it is the work that I need to do at this point of my life.

    If I had these tools before, I could have been married at least (counting here) 4 or 5 times. I simply didn’t know what to do with the men who presented themselves to me and tried to get me to “open up.” I have sent many men away sad and confused.

    So advice on what types of men to look out for, or where to go to look for men, or how have a man enter my life (through praying or whatever) feels really condescending to me. I have that part down pat. When I’m not feeling afraid, I can pretty much attract any man I choose.

    My work is to figure out how to open up when a man is in front of me. How to show people in general and men in particular the “real” me – the woman behind the face and the experience and the spirituality and the resume.

    I love Christianity and Christians, so I don’t ever want to be harsh on those beliefs. But for me, they were a place to hide the real me. And I can’t allow that to happen anymore. God doesn’t want that for me.

    So thank you for your advice and offer of help. But all I really need is to be able to continue to post here – have the help of other sirens when I struggle to express myself and find the real me. And to celebrate with me when I finally have the breakthrough that I’m working on and the GORGEOUS man on one knee in front of me.


  376.  #376Turtle Girl on April 9, 2010 at 6:53 pm


    I totally agree with you. One can not “not think about him” It’s crazy making. I have to give in to it. The more I try and not think of him, the more I think of him, so I just give in to it and see how it makes me feel. It can be really to the point of obsessing.

    So what I do is something physical, which gets me into my body and not my head. Then without even trying, I think of him less because I am engaging my body. The gym, gardening, bicycle riding, whatever.

    If I had a very large hamster wheel, I would run on that so I could be physical and not think of him!!! LOL!!!

  377.  #377Erika Awakening on April 9, 2010 at 7:13 pm


    I hear you saying that you really just need a safe place to express, and be heard, and open yourself up … if so, that’s definitely something I can relate to. I put the kibosh on people giving me unsolicited advice on Facebook because I was so frustrated. I am modeling a PROCESS on there of really being with my feelings, no matter how scary they might be, and when people give me unsolicited advice, not only do they not sound at all like they have a clue what they are talking about, but more importantly, it INTEFERES with my process. They are NOT being present with me. I hear you requesting that we be present with you.

    TG, thanks, yeah, exactly, “crazy making.” What I’ve found helpful, for me personally, is to give myself permission to think about whatever I want. Cuz when I have permission, there’s no resistance, and then sometimes I may think of him and sometimes not, but it’s not an obsession … and very often he contacts me when I’m thinking of him. For me, it’s a a way of practicing psychic connection.

  378.  #378Siena on April 9, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Thank you Ericka, yes – a safe place to express. But I also want to learn! I need siren help for sure. Help to express myself and to overcome the fear, etc.

    On a happier note (back to my drumroll post from earlier), I ended up talking with Match man today, used feeling messages, and had an extremely awesome conversation! This is the first time I’ve felt attracted in a few months.

    Now of course, it’s just 1 conversation… but at LEAST there is attraction! wohoooo! He actually read to me on the phone (something I love love love. I feel really comforted when someone reads to me). So… we’ll see!

  379.  #379Siena on April 9, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Erika, I spelled your name wrong earlier. Pet peeve of mine… sorry!

  380.  #380Erika Awakening on April 9, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    Lol, no worries, Siena, I don’t feel attached to any particular spelling of my name 😉

  381.  #381Lucy on April 9, 2010 at 10:08 pm

    Siena – I feel curious about your statement that Ingrid’s post “feels condescending” to you. It did not feel that way to me, so I feel curious about why it did to you. I also feel curious about what you actually FEEL reading Ingrid’s words, since “condescending” is not a feeling, but more of a judgment or blame of the other person. What do you think? 🙂

  382.  #382Lucy on April 9, 2010 at 10:12 pm

    Erika – I am practicing that psychic connection in the same way. I find it enjoyable and comforting. And so much more relaxing than trying to resist thoughts of the guy I adore!


  383.  #383Erika Awakening on April 9, 2010 at 10:15 pm

    Fwiw, condescending does feel like a feeling to me … an ick feeling when people’s words communicate an absence of equality and respect, and especially assumptions they never checked out w me before they gave unsolicited advice. Feels negating, feel unseen and unheard

  384.  #384Erika Awakening on April 9, 2010 at 10:19 pm


    thx for sharing. Yeah it’s like being a girl Jedi. It feels exciting and empowering and miraculous, and such a relief not to fight thoughts but rather trust he’s coming into my mind for a reason 🙂

  385.  #385Siena on April 9, 2010 at 10:24 pm

    yes, thanks Erika, that’s what I meant! I feel inadequate with my feeling words. I actually searched for a feeling synonym for condescending for my earlier post, Lucy. But what Erika said is what I was trying to communicate.

    It’s a feeling of absence of equality that I most feel. As I posted about earlier, I know that my feelings are VERY sensitive on this subject. Physically, it feels heavy, hopeless, like I haven’t been picked to participate in something that others have.

    I’m not trying to judge at all, because I believe the advice is meant lovingly and said with care. But, for me, finding words to describe my feelings is still difficult.

  386.  #386Lucy on April 9, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    Yes, a girl Jedi. 🙂 And sometimes I swear I hear him whispering back to me, “It’s alright, baby, I’m right here.”

  387.  #387Lucy on April 9, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    Siena – I understand. I like the simple word that Erika used (#383) – “ick.” So, maybe, if I was wanting to express what my feelings were and I thought that the word “condescending” was more about what the other person was doing than about my own feelings, I might say, “I feel icky when I read what Ingrid wrote.”

  388.  #388Dee Dee on April 10, 2010 at 6:35 am

    I love your advice, Ankita. I love that name too! I think I am ready in 2 more weeks to respond to my guy’s last email. Maybe if I just shut up this time about wanting a commitment, he’ll just fall into one? I can’t stand all the women that are after him though. There is this one that keeps buying him gifts and another one that could be his granddaughter and they just won’t let up! Of course, being a man, he’s very flattered. Why do women do this? You’d think he would like me best because I don’t buy him gifts and I am his age and we have much in common and I still look good. I’ve never been able to date any guy that was so much older than me. It must be the money and prestige of his job that they are “in love” with. I just like the man, not the job.

  389.  #389dawn on April 10, 2010 at 6:55 am

    Hi there ladies , we are all here for the same reason. Reading the condescending post feels bad. I feel confused when hearts are shut. I feel such admiration for all of you. CONGRATS to Siena !! In the long run I feel it alot easier on all of us to help those of us who are open to change ! But lately my head hurts and I still have pieces of brick stuck to it . Ha !

  390.  #390Lucy on April 10, 2010 at 10:21 am

    Hey all — What do you think of this statement on a guy’s profile? “Also, like most men, I like being pampered and don’t mind admitting it.”

    It felt yucky to me. Curious to hear how others feel reading it. (The guy sent me a VIP email.)


  391.  #391Lucy on April 10, 2010 at 10:23 am

    P.S. My daughter is home from college and I read that statement to her, and her reaction was, “What?? How is that a man thing???”


  392.  #392Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 10:24 am

    I feel “blech” when I hear a guy say he likes to be “pampered.” Not unlike the blech I felt when a guy who had been staying with me as a guest for a week and taking resources and not contributing told me “Erika, you really need to learn how to share.” At which point, I asked him to leave my apartment and never come back.

    I feel the life being sucked out of me …

  393.  #393Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 10:28 am

    Not coincidentally, that same guy dated and lived with another woman for six years and never married her … at the beginning of the relationship, he was the breadwinner, and by the end of six years she was supporting both of them, he having no real job and no real ambition. Not my style.

  394.  #394Lucy on April 10, 2010 at 10:34 am

    Erika- So THAT’S what the guy said that got him the boot! Good for you! (I had wondered just what happened when you first mentioned that incident awhile ago.) Eeww.

    Yeah, I emailed the guy back and said, “I’m not the kind of girl who pampers a man. Good luck in your search.”

    Not exactly a feeling message, but definitely honest! 🙂

  395.  #395Ingrid on April 10, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Hi Siena:

    Thank u for sharing. I hear you. That is why we’re all here undoubtedly, because we need to become more in tune with our own feelings.

    I am sorry if you found my post above condescending. This was not my intent whatsoever, quite the opposite.

    Take Care~

  396.  #396Ingrid on April 10, 2010 at 10:44 am

    Hi Lucy:

    To me, that guy’s statement would make me “forget him”. I think it’s gross and disgusting. He most likely is looking for women to respond saying, “I’ll pamper you honey, let me show you all I’ve got”, etc. YCCH.

  397.  #397Turtle Girl on April 10, 2010 at 11:37 am

    A guy wants to be pampered?

    Hmmmmm………sounds to me like a translation for
    ” Hi all you ladies-I am a taker. I will take all you got and not give back.”

  398.  #398Turtle Girl on April 10, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Oh Erika-

    A guy said to you”You really need to learn how to share?” WOW!

    Translation ” I am trying to guilt trip you honey into giving me all you got and I won’t have to do anything but take from you, but you being female without good boundaries means I can try and guilt trip you and make you feel bad to get what I want”

    EEEWWWWW……this is one of the ickiest things I have ever heard a man say!

    Good on you for kicking the loser out!

  399.  #399Siena on April 10, 2010 at 11:45 am

    ewww, I actually feel sick to my stomach. “pampered man” is someone I used to date. He called me last night – he’s still bitter that I’ve moved on (lonnnng time). At one point I said, “Pampered man, bitterness is not attractive.” To which he responded, “Siena, I’m not trying to attract you.” haha – touche. I laughed.

    But THANK GOD he’s gone. Seriously ladies, sometimes I want to ask the names of the men that you talk about because I really do wonder if I used to date them!

    Only good, strong, sexy, masculine men from here on out!!

  400.  #400Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Yeah, I have never felt so angry in my entire life, TBH.

    When he didn’t at first take me seriously, I put his things outside the apartment on the front stoop until he got the message and left.

    His method of seduction actually explicitly involves sucking the energy out of spaces, I saw an article that he wrote about it. And that’s what my intuition was telling me. Thank God I have learned to listen to my intuition.

    What he has not yet learned is that the only sustainable situations are win/win. Like Reiki energy or HBR or any other spiritually valid system, the healer is always being replenished as she gives healing, otherwise she would end up depleted and no longer have the power to heal. If he tries to take at the expense of the woman, he will end up losing in the end. But he can learn that lesson on someone else’s time, I’ve already learned that lesson and have no need to repeat it.

  401.  #401Siena on April 10, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Erika, I feel fascinated about his seduction technique. Have you ever encountered this before? Does it have a name?

  402.  #402Ankita on April 10, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    Hello Deedee,
    Thank you so much… My actual name is Ankita Shrivastava.. Thanks for liking it..!! 🙂

    Deedee, if you stop asking for commitment, then it’s not necessary that he will fall into it. You have to make it his idea for commitment. Not yours. And probably I think the only way to do it is to show him that if he isn’t committing to you, what he is losing. You can’t just change a man or make him commit for commitment’s sake, if he isn’t willing. And those things can only be seen in deeds. Talking to him won’t work. Guys respond to actions, am saying this by my experience.

    Live your life in a full-on fantastic way. Don’t fake it. Guys can detect when you are faking it, and that will push him away, further.

    And the women who buy him gifts, etc., are clearly sending the message that, “Oh.. I don’ think I am worthy enough to make you fall for me, without doing anything. I don’t trust myself enough. So let me help you by doing all these things.”
    And when you are not doing these things, the message you are sending is that, “I think I am worthy, to be loved, without taking the first move. I am great.”

    He’s flattered because of the attention he is getting. And many men are like this only. They are flattered. 😀

    This man doesn’t looks like he is gonna step up anytime soon. I can’t tell much, but from his action to you, does it looks like, that he wants any serious relation?

    If not? So why stop living your life for him? Isn’t it?

    I can understand how you are feeling right now. I myself was in that state just a year ago. But trust me, it may hurt you in the beginning, but when you actually start out your dating game, it feels fantastic, and trust me, there are men out there.

    And for, I don’t have much idea but there’s a dating coach I know who teaches how to make your profile, etc. attractive so that guys are attracted like bees, Lauren Frances is her name.

    Sometimes I feel really bad, that I am in India, and don’t earn yet, and so I am not able to take the advantages of many seminars, etc. But hopefully someday.. 🙂

    And am always there for you. Happy to help. 🙂

  403.  #403Ankita on April 10, 2010 at 12:18 pm


    Oh my god… Pampered….!! Am gonna cross the guy out as soon as I can, if I ever happen to find one like this… Is he a guy or what??? :O

    That’s just… i mean ridiculous…!!

  404.  #404Ankita on April 10, 2010 at 12:27 pm


    Don’t try not to think about him. The more a woman tries not to think of him, the more she obsesses, from what I’ve seen.

    Make yourself so busy, your life so happening, with other guys around, with things you enjoy, around people who love you and you love them, that if he wishes to be a part of it, good, if not, drop him like a hot potato.

    Am dating guys too, some of them are in queue for dates, as am having exams from 17th april till mid may, and it feels great, often. 🙂

    So start dating the guys who interest you, and appeal to you.. It will make you feel really great… And happier… 🙂

  405.  #405Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    I’m definitely a minority view around here, but …

    I’ve found there is no need to make myself busy to keep myself from thinking about him.

    Giving myself permission to have whatever thoughts come has solved the problem. No resistance = no obsession.

    I personally am also finished with dating completely until God delivers my permanent partner to my doorstep.

    I am NOT a hamster. I have stepped off the wheel. 🙂

  406.  #406Siena on April 10, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Erika, that feels extremely trusting and wonderful to me. Good for you! And I love the idea of God delivering your permanent partner to your doorstep. If you expect it to happen, it will!

  407.  #407Siena on April 10, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    I’m listening to Modern Siren as I work. Ladies – seriously – if you don’t have this product, please get it. It answers EVERYTHING we have been talking about on these forums. Everything.

  408.  #408Dee Dee on April 10, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Ankita, Thank you for all of your help and yes you do have a very pretty name both first and last names. Are you friends with Robin Murphy on Facebook? I seem to remember your name.

  409.  #409Lucy on April 10, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Erika, you are such a troublemaker! In a good way, actually… 🙂

    I have had that same thought tugging at the back of my mind — or my heart — “I personally am also finished with dating completely until God delivers my permanent partner to my doorstep.” I have resisted it, interpreting it as just me being typically “rebellious.” But maybe it’s not. I also had a recent thought go through my head: “The next guy who really captures my attention is going to be the one.”

    My time is precious and I really DON’T WANT to spend it “dating.”

    And here’s a great saying, taught to me by my fav guy, TN man: “What you resist persists.”


  410.  #410Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 1:51 pm


    Thanks for being willing to admit that you’ve had the same thought, I feel a sense of camaraderie, which is nice because sometimes I feel like a real loner because I don’t “go along” with the conventional wisdom.

    I honestly feel that I don’t have anything more to learn from dating. I have lots more to learn and experience from deep, committed intimacy.

  411.  #411Jeannette 2 on April 10, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Erika, I like that, I am somewhat afraid of human intimacy. When I guy gets close sometimes I run so fast and it makes me feel bad. I have to heal that side of me. I never had a real father figure in my life and I know that is where I need to start. When a guy gets all romantic on me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, I cringe and feel yucky.

  412.  #412Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    I have also returned to my celibacy until marriage stance. I realized that if a man has sex with me and doesn’t give me a permanent commitment, I end up hating him. And I’m not interested in hating anybody. So I’m putting my expectations right up front and will require the commitment before sex so that I won’t end up in a resentment trap ever again.

  413.  #413Jeannette 2 on April 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    I hear you awakening, well if ALL us women did that then they would have to commit, right? Come on women, put your legs back together and wait for the real PRINCE!!!

  414.  #414Nikita on April 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Hello 🙂

    I’ve returned to celibacy…..praying for a permanent comittment –

    Hugs ladies,

  415.  #415Siena on April 10, 2010 at 4:44 pm


    I realized that I didn’t respond to you. Thank you for your last post to me! It feels good to receive it!


  416.  #416Lucy on April 10, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Ah, Erika, that’s another thought I have had recently, too! – “I honestly feel that I don’t have anything more to learn from dating. I have lots more to learn and experience from deep, committed intimacy.”

    You are braver than I am, though, admitting it first on here. 🙂

    This feels refreshing and freeing to me. I feel a space opening up inside me.

    Have you read the book, “Undefended Love”? It is about learning and growing through deep, committed intimacy. It talks about going beyond comfortable “closeness” in relationship, into that vibrant, sometimes scary place of genuine intimacy where you both grow beyond ego together. I read it last fall, and at that point I thought “I am almost ready for this.” I believe I have now peeled away so many layers of myself that “learning through deep, committed intimacy” is the natural next step. I must not be *quite* ready yet, though, cuz the man hasn’t arrived. 🙂

    However, I just got home from the movies (with my 17 and 22 year old kids — best dates ever!) and opened an email from my best friend who believes she may have found the perfect man for me at the college where she works! She says: “Maybe I’m just being weird, but he has such a sweet sweet spirit about him. Is it God telling me something or what’s going on? He’s an English teacher — tall, fairly long hair, good looking… just the interesting creative type that would be perfect for you.”

    Woohoo! Is God about to deliver my man to my doorstep??? The timing of her email is remarkable!

    Wow, Erika, I feel so surprised yet inspired by your return to celibacy until marriage! I remember reading some quite adventurous ideas of yours previously. 🙂 I feel excited about your decision. For me, for some strange reason, I don’t hate a guy after we have sex — but what happens is that the relationship becomes all about the sex (for BOTH of us) and then genuine dynamic intimacy and growth come to a screeching halt. Then I get bored (no mental/emotional/spiritual stimulation) and break up with the guy. That’s certainly not a winning situation for either party. So what’s the point in doing it? Sure it feels good and is fun, but I end up losing out on what I really want!

    Hmmm. SO interesting! I feel on the threshold of something now!

    I appreciate your sharing, Erika — it has really helped me clarify things for myself. Seems maybe you were a messenger from God for me today. 🙂


  417.  #417Turtle Girl on April 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    Ok ladies-


    This feels like you are on to something. I resonate with this. My body never wants to wait to have sex. But my spirit is always against it.

    I too Lucy have a similar experience. I date a guy, it’s fun, we are getting to know each other, then wham, sex happens and EVERYTHING changes. It feels weird, I shut down, close off and it gets strange. I can no longer be myself and it’s hard for intimacy to flourish any if at all. We aren’t friends, so then what are we? A weirded out couple of lovers who don’t really know one another, and don’t really have intimacy on a profound deep level either.

    I don’t learn anything like this. It just hurts and feels strangely dislocating. I get bored, or it gets awkward and he pulls away and then one of us breaks it off! So what am I learning from that?
    To not have sex, cause it screws it all up. But without it we are just friends, without any real sort of commitment. I feel there is no way to get deep intimacy with another unless you are committed on every level to that relationship and you live together
    and really get to know each other.

    Ironically, this kind of intimacy can happen with a girlfriend, (no sex of course) if you are committed to one another and see each other a whole lot. You really really get down to knowing deeply who that person is. Fears, hopes, dreams, negative, [positives, everything. That is what I what with a man, plus if I have all of that and then throw in sex with a man who is open to that same thing, then wow-that’s a bond that if something happened to him – then devastation is the only word I can conjure. I want to love someone like that. I want that kind of love. Am I living in a movie? I don’t think so. I have seen it happen.

  418.  #418Simply Shannon on April 10, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Erika: I feel curious if you have ever had this situation. I’m attempting to wait to have sex until marriage as well. The thing is I miss the intimacy and the feelings that kick in when I’m having sex. Relationships feel “friendly” without sex. Like not having the spicy, juicy feelings of sex leaves me feeling undesirable and unwanted. I’m having a really hard time getting past it. It’s almost like my brain is turning off that desire completely so that I’m not getting myself into trouble. Basically I don’t know how to date without sex. It feels frustrating and just plain weird.

  419.  #419Simply Shannon on April 10, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Nikita!!! HEY!!! Yeah! I feel so happy to see you here! How have you been? Where have you been? Oh I’ve missed you!

  420.  #420Daria on April 10, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    hey did u kno that oldschool temple Virgins were not really virgins, but that what it meant was that they were full on in their power as a woman = Goddesses!

    listening to interviews with sex therapist Dr. Gina Ogden from the WISH women’s week marathon

    i love sex!

    I had it on monday!

    for a lil bit

    i want healing for myself

    i want sex when i want it

    i spoke with the Goddess ix Chel too!

    i love sex sex sex

  421.  #421Daria on April 10, 2010 at 7:51 pm

    4 questions to explore a woman’s sexuality:

    when did u last dance?

    when did u last sing?

    when did u last spend quality time alone?

    when did u last tell your story?

    spirit is reached through sex. dividing spirit and sex disempowered woman and man and was used to rule.

    a fully sexual woman feels worthy powerful and happy

  422.  #422Jeannette on April 10, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    Girls, I know what you mean about the whole sex thing. Just want to wait long enough to have a deep bonding then go ahead and do the sex. Why is it that sex is so complicating? I think our spirits are still telling us that we are supposed to be married to have sex, I mean us christian ladies KNOW this is the way it is supposed to be. I was only married once and had sex before we were married. The bible says for it to last, seriously, you have to be married before there’s sex. Period. That’s our spiritual reward. Maybe that is why there are so many divorces today. Everyone is out there doing it and no commitment. Boy have we gotten things turned around!

  423.  #423Daria on April 10, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    listening to this mp3 felt so COMFORTING and good. I feel safe. I feel happy. I feel loved and loving.

    I can send it to anyone who wants it leave ur email somehow in a comment on my blog or here

    back to ix chel. well i heard last nite that the first blood sacrificises were menstrual blood. when men took over is when the killing sacrifices began!

    i love men. so strange for the world to turn this way.

    even tantric texts are from the male perspective

  424.  #424Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    I speak only for myself here.

    when I have sex and do not receive a permanent commitment in return, I do not feel powerful and worthy.

    I feel horrible. And not just for a short time. For a long time afterward. It sucks.

    If a man has deeply bonded with me emotionally, then he can go the next step and offer and back up a permanent commitment.

    Otherwise, the answer to sex, for me, is no.

    I look forward to re-experiencing sex within the security of a relationship that I know with total confidence is my partner for the rest of time. I believe it will feel absolutely divine 🙂

  425.  #425Daria on April 10, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    i feel great having sex dating! im having sex every moment of every momen i am a Goddess. i share what i want. i am no longer afriad.

    now. i do have lessons to learn. like healing. and not allowing myself to be hurt. the fear got stuck in my bladder. i hope its out now. i felt myself sigh so much at acupuncture, the fear went out and i went limp. Goddess and Angels and God heal me thank u. or let me heal me if thats what you want. i want healing. show me more.

  426.  #426Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    Oops, I posted this testimonial I received in the wrong thread, meant to post it here. It’s from a guy I’m coaching, hope you all will share in my joy in receiving it 🙂

  427.  #427Daria on April 10, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    i feel powerful an worthy when i feel good about myself

    i feel good having sex for pleasure

    i don’t desire commitment from all men i want to have sex with

    joy! this feels great

  428.  #428Daria on April 10, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    i feel sad reading about others feeling tripped up about sex =(

  429.  #429Lucy on April 10, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Daria – Speaking for myself only, I would not say that I feel “tripped up.” I am simply learning more about my own needs, desires, what I want and what I don’t want, and making decisions based on what I learn about myself and my own sexuality.

    To me that feels wonderful, exciting, and peaceful. Not something to feel sad about. 🙂

  430.  #430Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 8:23 pm


    I get that you have a different perspective and different feelings about this than I do, and I feel annoyed by the phrase “tripped up” because I don’t consider it “tripped up” at all. “Tripped up” to me implies a judgment, that I have some sort of erroneous “hang up” about sex. And I don’t.

    I consider it following my own inner guidance with integrity, and I’m not imposing my choices on other people.

  431.  #431Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    Each time I have been convinced by listening to others’ perspectives that “I’ll just try it one more time,”

    I end up regretting it. Deeply.

    So I’m not going to do it anymore. This is my choice. Because I feel better when I *don’t* do it. When I hold out and stand firm for what I really want.

    When I have sex, I feel self-betrayal.

    When I say no, not until you give me what I want also, I feel self-honoring

  432.  #432Daria on April 10, 2010 at 8:39 pm

    Hey Hey –

    Erika how do you know i was talkin bout you? jus sayin… I feel mischievous.


    quick think fast.

    its ok to feel tripped up.

    hey ill say it i feel tripped up. cuz condoms and sex hurt me the last few times

    ps – what happened with white tiger tantra

    pps – sex is more than papi thang in nani intercourse of course

    (my horse)


    i feel relaxed

  433.  #433Jeannette on April 10, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    I agree Erika, my body is special and I will allow it to be handled by only someone who loves and honors it. As I will his when it is right. So worth the wait.

  434.  #434Daria on April 10, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    I wish you all could hear this interview. i feel soul soothed by it.

    i shall be soul soothed for myself and have lots of sex and sexuality

    i feel so happy to FEEL my womanhood and power. i feel so good ! yum yum. i am me my body mind and spirit is all part of my sexuality

    ix chel told me last nite i can have a child without being married! wow . felt soothing

    i do want to be married and i feel like my chains are melting into pretty bangles to know that i canhave all and all is good to have

    i can share a moment or eternity

    i am the powerful sexual Virgin that is very sexual the priestess of the temple ! like the Virgin Mary

    i feel the colorfullness rainforest breath of femaleness and i am blessed

  435.  #435Erika Awakening on April 10, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    I didn’t hear it being about me specifically, because several of us had expressed similar sentiments on this thread.

    I heard judgment in the words “tripped up.” And it feels annoying and disconnecting and not very authentic.

    White Tiger Tantra is next month.