Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse

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How can you move forward in your life without “letting go”?

Without “Letting Go” of a man, a job, an experience, a client, money, a friendship?

“And – without “resolve.”

The idea of “resolution” is the same as what I call “closure” – and you know I don’t believe in closure.

This is the shocking, provoking part of what I say around this kind of thing:

Don’t even TRY to IMAGINE closure.  Forget closure.  Forget resolution.  Forget tying things up in a nice bundle, all knots untied, everything smoothed out.

This is just not part of having a real, PASSIONATE life.

Needing closure is something we women have absolutely been trained for.

We are perfectionist in many ways, managing things…

And so much of that comes from our histories – the need to cook, watch the fire, listen for the baby, and ward off intruders all at the same time.

Here’s where the new 4-Week Rori Raye Live Coaching program – “Sirenity” – comes in for you…to turn around all the old patterns, all the things you’ve been told your whole life are important in a man or a relationship, all the things you’ve been told and practiced your whole life that have never, ever, and will never work – and create, instead, in only 4 weeks, an entirely new way of being with totally new results!

Go here to grab one of the last 5 spaces in the 10-woman ONLY Sirenity class beginning Monday, June 19th:

https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-school-sirenity-in-4-weeks/

This need for “closure” is, I believe – at the bottom of all our womanly stress.

And, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.”  It’s just not a viable image.

For me – the idea is to keep moving down your own road, stick on your path, stay with your horse, keep moving, expanding, breathing, going deeper and deeper into your feelings and your life, becoming more and more passionate about life itself – and just not allowing ANYTHING to distract you.

Not allowing anything to “capture” you and throw you off balance and off course.

Let’s use an example we all can identify with – in the love and relationship realm (it’s absolutely the same thing in the “work” realm – but let’s use this “relationship” example because it feels so much more personal and emotional):

You can take a memory of a man with you down your road. 

You can dream about him when you sleep.  You can take from what you had with him that makes you feel good and helps you understand yourself, that helps you process and expand.

To do this – you DON’T NEED HIM TO BE AROUND IN REAL LIFE.

I’m going to say that again.

Once a man has outlived his usefulness in his concrete, human form – once his presence makes you go backwards and into your head and out of your body and feeling not good about yourself – you don’t want him around.  Period.  You’re done.  He’s history.

But that doesn’t mean he’s left the planet, or left your psyche.

  • He might still be in your rock band, or in your theater company, or at your yoga class, or sweating next to you at your gym, or sitting next to you at your work.
  • He might be the father of your children.
  • He might be a superstar you see on billboards and hear about from friends and strangers every day.
  • He could be your lawyer, or your coach, or your childrens’ friends’ father.

It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you – even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.

And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.

And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.

It just means he’s there.  He still lives and breathes.

It’s not about “reality.”  It’s about “energy.”

And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy – it’s about YOURS.

The simple truth is – if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him, stop fighting the pull you feel toward him, stop fighting your thoughts about him – and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW – something that FEELS GOOD, something that feels MEANINGFUL to you! – it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.

So – instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here are rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES.

The result we’re going for is not to free HIM – but to free US.

Can you imagine what that would look like and feel like?

What would it look like and feel like to feel free as a bird around your thoughts and feelings about a man?  To be able to do what makes you happy even though thoughts of him and about him continue to intrude?

I guarantee you that if you find things to immerse yourself in – things that capture your attention in a wonderful, fulfilling and satisfying way…they will way outshine any man’s old, worn-out pull on you.

Your light will expose the shabbiness of the man, the obsolescence of him.

You’ll start to feel this:  “Done.”

It’s not about “over.”  It’s not about “forgetting.”  It’s not about “Letting Go” so you “don’t” have a mental, physical or emotional experience around him when he isn’t actually there.  It’s about just getting so passionate about yourself and what you love in life that you become bored by him.

Most of the time, a man, a job, a client, a situation, an experience that doesn’t feel good for us came into our lives for one reason:  We invited him – or “it” – in as a “do-over.”

  • It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention, acknowledgment and affection, approval and rewards (money, anyone?) was by working our butts off.
  • It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.
  • It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”

Forget about all that.

Instead – focus on being kind to yourself.  Focus on what you like.  On what makes you feel good.  Do that.  Think that. Take yourself there.

Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man, this circumstance, this job, this vacation,  this client, this customer, this coworker, this boss – and even though I feel drawn to have closure with him, her, or the experience – I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”

save relationshipThen get back on your horse and ridewith him, them, the job, the experience, or without him, them, the job or the experience – whether they’re all hanging onto the saddle, gripping you for dear life, or trying to get you to stop and let them on, or whether you’re holding them all with one hand behind you as you ride on.

The important thing is NOT what HE, THEM, or “IT” is doing, or where any of THEM are.

The important thing is that YOU are RIDING ON!!!

To learn new Tools, to be personally coached live online by me and Helena Hart, have two private hour-long sessions with your very own, brilliant Sirenity coach, be heard and helped 24/7 by Rori Raye coaches on the secret Sirenity Facebook group and work with me personally and privately over constant email – join us here->

https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-school-sirenity-in-4-weeks/

Here’s what a current Live Coaching student has to say about how Sirenity works, just to give you an idea of the power of the class:

“OMG, Rori…All the money I wasted on therapists, getting a bachelor’s degree in behavioral science, endless 12 step meetings of every kind.  And then this curly headed woman (you) comes along and changes my life.  Ok, I’m getting mushy again, but this is so real, and the best part…no playing games.   Holy crap is all I can say…

I look forward to working with you!

Love, Rori

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4 Comments

  1.  #1Surf Diva on May 31, 2017 at 7:14 pm

    Advice Appreciated: I broke up with my ex a year ago because he was not giving me affection. I know now, I could have leaned back but I didn’t.

    Fast forward, he is now in a 7-month relationship with his boss. This is a woman who has been throwing herself at him the entire time we were together. I believe it was a rebound. He reached out to me a couple of weeks ago and said he doesn’t feel comfortable in the relationship anymore because of the work thing and wants out but is concerned about the working conditions and that he may even lose his job. He said he missed me, etc.

    I’m excited that he might be leaving her and that we might start seeing each other again. At the same time, I’m annoyed that he has drawn me into this thing. I’d rather he left me alone and came to me after he had made a real break with her with a real offer of a relationship.

    When I told him this, he said he reached out to me because he didn’t know who else he could trust to talk to but I don’t want to be his confidant or buddy. I told him that.

    I’m concerned that he is being selfish by reaching out to me and not taking into account my feelings. That he is dumping this drama on me and then goes back to her. Yuck.

    The other thing that is bothering me is what if he breaks with her. He will still work with her. How will I feel about that? I don’t like it. How can I negotiate that? Yikes.

    Bottom line: he is still with her. Part of me wants to flush him and part of me wants to see what he will do. Kind of in limbo and it doesn’t feel good.

    I’d love some support and advice here. I’ve been dating here and there but have found no one that I like even close to him, even with all of his flaws.

    Thank you so much!



  2.  #2Femininewoman on June 2, 2017 at 10:05 am

    Reminder of a most difficult thing



  3.  #3Senior Lady Vibe on June 27, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    “Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse”

    This is one of my favorite quotes/articles from years ago. It is all-purpose in effectiveness and a bit of Rori Raye genius.

    xoxo
    SLV



  4.  #4Indigo on June 28, 2017 at 1:31 am

    Surf Diva,

    I’m not going to say I know what you should do in this situation, but I did just want to give you two things to consider:

    – If he was not affectionate enough before, what makes you think it’s going to be any better this time? Especially now that he has gone out with another woman (his boss!) and you have shown yourself to be only too eager to come running back to him, without apparently any assurances or caution for your own feelings or heart?

    – If you don’t want to be drawn into his drama of his relationship with his boss, then don’t be. There is a huge lack of sensitivity for your feelings on his part by confiding in you and moaning about her to you (when he is still with her!), especially since he must know you still have feelings for him and hopes of getting back together. If you really don’t want to be his buddy or hear about it, tell him to stop contacting you (block him if you need to) and tell him to contact you only if he is willing to give things a real shot with you. I would not be able to bear to hear about a man’s relationship with someone else if I loved him. But that is just me.

    Finally, if you do get back together and he is still working at the same place, then I think a lot more would depend on his attitude than on his boss. If a man is committed to his relationship, he is much less likely to be taken in by another woman (especially an ex with whom there was drama), but if he is kind of wishy washy and selfish, then the risk is definitely there. But would you really want such a man?

    I don’t know him, or you, but it just sounds to me like you might want to be taking better care of you. x