How can you move forward in your life without “letting go” of him? And still “dump him” and “stop contact”?
This is a jump off of the last post, inspired by the comments. Here are two that sparked me:
“…sometimes if I ignore a guy, I actually end up thinking about him MORE. It feels all unresolved.”
Then JasonSavage said:
“I advocate resolve through actively ignoring him and simple acts of symbolic detachment.”
And Daria, too, talks about really loving having men around her and feeling good about it.
The thing here is this – J, in the letter that started the original post, does NOT feel good with the “ex” who’s contacting her at this moment. The idea of friendship is NOT clear and easy and about …friends. It’s all clouded and complex and involves all kinds of triggers. And this was not a Circular Dating relationship – this was BEFORE J figured out how to Circular Date – this was an exclusive relationship with sex. And she still feels attached and emotional – as would almost ALL of us.
I often agree with Jason on most of this – and though it’s a very harsh view coming from me, but you can see from Jason how a man sees ANY response we make to a man — no matter what we say, if we respond, the “friendship” is “on.”
What I’m going to add to this conversation is about what Erika calls “resolve.” This is the same as what I call “closure” – and you know I don’t believe in closure.
This is the shocking, provoking part of what I say around this kind of thing:
Don’t even TRY to IMAGINE closure. Forget closure. Forget resolution. Forget tying things up in a nice bundle, all knots untied, everything smoothed out.
This is just not part of having a real, PASSIONATE life.
Needing closure is something we women have absolutely been trained for.
We are perfectionist in many ways, managing things – so much of it comes from our genes – the need to cook, watch the fire, listen for the baby, and ward off intruders all at the same time.
This need for closure is, I believe – at the bottom of all our womanly stress.
So, I also say, forget about the whole concept of “letting go.” It’s just not a viable image.
For me – (and I have a bunch of posts on this…most with horses in the pictures…) the idea is to keep moving down your own road, stick on your path, stay with your horse, keep moving, expanding, breathing, going deeper and deeper into your feelings and your life, becoming more and more passionate about life itself – and just not allowing ANYTHING to distract you. Not allowing anything to “capture” you and throw you off balance and off course.
You can take a memory of a man with you down your road. You can dream about him when you sleep. You can take from what you had with him that makes you feel good and helps you understand yourself, that helps you riff and process and expand.
To do this – you DON’T NEED HIM TO BE AROUND IN REAL LIFE.
I’m going to say that again. Once a man has outlived his usefulness in his concrete, human form – once his presence makes you go backwards and into your head and out of your body and feeling not good about yourself – you don’t want him around. Period. You’re done. He’s history.
But that doesn’t mean he’s left the planet, or left your psyche.
He might still be in your rock band, or in your theater company, or at your yoga class, or sweating next to you at your gym, or sitting next to you at your work. He might be the father of your children. He might be a superstar you see on billboards and hear about from friends and strangers every day. He could be your lawyer, or your coach, or your children’s friend’s father.
It doesn’t mean he has nothing to offer you – even if it’s only a reminder of what you DON’T want.
And it doesn’t mean you have to be especially nice to him, or welcoming, or reasonable.
And it doesn’t mean you have to notice him much, or think about him, or wonder about him, or talk about him.
It just means he’s there. He still lives and breathes.
It’s not about “reality.” It’s about “energy.”
And this isn’t hocus-pocus or magic, because it’s not about HIS energy – it’s about YOURS.
The simple truth is – if you stop FIGHTING your feelings for him and pull toward him, and thoughts about him – and simply REFOCUS your mind, body and heart around something NEW – something that FEELS GOOD – something that’s MEANINGFUL to you – it will overpower the energy you’re showering on this undeserving man.
So – instead of rituals and symbolic acts to LET GO of him (because then it’s STILL all about HIM…) what we need here is rituals and symbolic acts to hang onto, hold onto, embrace, worship and adore OURSELVES.
The result we’re going for is not to free HIM – but to free US.
Can you imagine what that would look like and feel like?
What would it look like and feel like to feel free as a bird around your thoughts and feelings about a man? To be able to do what makes you happy even though thoughts of him and about him continue to intrude?
I guarantee you that if you find things to immerse yourself in – things that capture your attention in a wonderful, fulfilling and satisfying way…they will way outshine any man’s old, worn-out pull on you. Your light will expose the shabbiness of the man, the obsolescence of him.
You’ll start to feel this: “Done.”
It’s not about “over.” It’s not about “forgetting.” It’s not about “Letting Go” so you “don’t” have a mental, physical or emotional experience around him when he isn’t actually there. It’s about just getting so passionate about yourself and what you love in life that you become bored by him.
Most of the time, a man who is not good for us came into our lives for one reason: We invited him in as a “do-over.”
It could be a do-over of our childhoods, when the only way we could get love and attention was by working our butts off.
It could be a do-over of a trauma where we felt helpless to take care of ourselves.
It could be a do-over of a mistake that feels desperately like it needs “closure” and “mastery.”
Forget about all that.
Instead – focus on being kind to yourself. Focus on what you like. On what makes you feel good. Do that. Think that. Take yourself there.
Erika talks a lot about EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique, and I love the technique too – here’s one little piece of it I’m going to apply to this post:
Say to yourself: “Even though I feel attached to this man and drawn to have closure with him, I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.”
Then get back on your horse and ride – with him or without him, whether he’s hanging onto the saddle, gripping you for dear life, or trying to get you to stop and let him on, or whether you’re holding him with one hand behind you as you ride on.
The important thing is NOT what HE’S doing, or where HE is.
The important thing is that YOU are RIDING ON!!!