Don’t Push Yourself To Get Up Off The Emotional Floor

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A friend, let’s call her Karen, just wrote me a letter right after she emotionally got hit with a ton of bricks.

The dreaded “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech got dropped on her out of nowhere like a ton of bricks, right on top of a miserable series of painful life experiences: animal sick, apartment lost, nowhere to go, boyfriend steps in to offer her a live-in partnership, and then drops the bomb.

So much happening all at once on one human being lights the anxiety fire, and she loses it emotionally.

The morning after, it feels like a breakthrough with nothing on the other side.

How she got to this moment is a long story, but the “fix” is all Modern Siren Tools:

Karen, I hear everything you say I wrap my arms around you and in space, lend you my strength, and feel your magnificence just barking all over the place.

Great artists like you, great thinkers and visionaries, all have complex lives.

That’s just the way it rolls. Get used to it.

I am certain that this thing with Robert can be turned around enough that you can be happy for long enough to either make this happen or make a new decision.

And here is the remedy.

If you can read the first part of your email, where are you were all excited and go shopping and buy things for the house, and get all this food and then cook this great dinner and then invite somebody over all – of this you can see that you are probably the most major overfunctioner I have ever met.

To you, this must feel normal. It must feel like your lovely energy expressing itself. But it’s not. It’s sort of the frosting you put on top of your cake because you do not want to implode.

And Robert pushed the button and you imploded. It was a nervous breakdown (small, thank Goodness) and if you can just see how amazing it is that you’ve recovered so quickly… You’ll realize that you can do this.

Your new experience with Robert and your new life requires complete self, internal calm and slow going, and here you basically just stepped in and threw a fiesta.

Men can turn around on a dime.

If you completely back up, and do what I say, he will not be so overloaded.

It’s sort of like he’s a circuit board and you’ve completely overloaded his circuits. That’s why he says “he can’t feel anything for you.”

The first step is practicing self-control.  It’s the only thing you CAN control – you and I like to start with food and supplements.  It’s the easiest way to get yourself into “line” in a way that can empower you quickly (and make you feel better).

Number one – you are not allowed to drink any alcohol, not wine nothing no beer.

You’re not allowed to eat anything with sugar in it – not cookies not cake not anything you bake.

You are not allowed to eat anything with gluten in it (or that your body “thinks” is gluten.) For now, that’s bread, that’s oats, that’s corn, that’s tapioca, that’s DAIRY- yes! – absolutely none of that. You are to live on meat, chicken, fish, vegetables, salad, tiny bits of fruit to be low glycemic and olive oil – no dressing, no chemicals, organic if you can!

You are to take probiotics like they’re going out of style – that’s a lot of them and you’re going to make sure that the brands you’re taking have no corn, dextrin, maltodextrin or any corn derivative in it.

You’re going to start this self-calm state by getting complete control over something you can control – what you eat. This is almost more for self-discipline purposes then health purposes, but I think it will make a huge difference for you.

You’re gonna stop spreading your stuff all overRobert’s house and keep it in a small space. You’re going to back up and hang out with your sick animal most of the time, including sleeping in his space if you have to… What we need to do is get you anchored back into a much deeper place.

Everything else you’re doing is distraction methods. You’re trying to distract yourself from the horrific mess of this transition. Yes, you’re still on your feet, and yes, most of us would be curled up in a ball on the floor.

And yet – you need to be curled up in a ball.

You need to be curled up on the floor enough for you to feel “congruent” with what’s going on.

Stop trying to stay afloat. Sink.

Love, Rori

 

 

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17 Comments

  1.  #1Angela on August 9, 2017 at 9:46 pm

    Oh Karen, I feel so sad for your situation.
    Sometimes bad moments happen in bunches.
    I feel for your sick pet. And for your living situation.
    Rori is so amazing. Do as she says. I learned from her; things can change so quickly.
    I love when Rori says, “I am certain that this thing with Robert can be turned around enough that you can be happy for long enough to either make this happen or make a new decision.”
    You are that powerful! Either way you win, eventually.
    I hope you find a smooth way to figure it out. Sending love your way, to you and your pet.

    On another note, as I walked home from a job interview, (feeling a little insecure) an older man passes me by, with so much authority in his voice, he looks my way, and says, “the only thing i like about you is your hair.”
    I kept walking until i understood that it wasn’t a compliment, but the words he said to me were meant to hurt me.
    A complete stranger walks up to me and says those mean things.
    I asked myself why I attract this craziness.
    And more importantly why I identified with his words. I was feeling and often am feeling bad with my self.
    I came home hugged my pets and felt a little disappointed with strangers.
    I tried not to pay much attention, but sometimes mean words hurt. How to bounce back…

    Maybe I should spin it until it feels good to me?
    Hmm I hate that this old man felt he could just come up to me and say things without knowing me? I feel so much anger. I feel a lot of sadness. I don’t feel safe in the world. It feels like a hole in my chest.
    I feel tears coming up? If i told my bf, I would feel so vulnerable. I feel like hiding in my apartment with my pets forever and never hearing mean things said to me or others ever again.
    I feel what if his words are true, what if I am ugly and the only thing nice is my hair?
    I feel like a child. I feel that I should feel more grown up, not let his judgements get to me. I feel ashamed for feeling so hurt. I feel I want to be powerful stand in my body and know I’m good enough without anyones approval. I feel so fragile hate feeling so fragile. What if his words were true? Is being ugly so bad? Should I accept thats a possibility? Is it the end of the world? What would make me feel more powerful? Maybe not hiding? Maybe standing up for myself?
    Maybe if i would have said to that man, and believed my own words, my own power, to say “who the fuck are you? who the hell asked you? I don’t care about your stupid opinion about my looks. Get lost. ”
    What if i felt that powerful to reply that? Oh that feels good to imagine myself that powerful. powerful enough to scare him with my words. I feel like I would have loved to slap that man.
    And now i feel better.



  2.  #2Grace on August 12, 2017 at 5:39 am

    I feel like I’m on the emotional floor right now… I’m in a similar situation in that I moved in with LD under similar circumstances. Just 2 or 3 days after I moved in, he became emotionally and verbally abusive. We made up. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    Last night I felt provoked to the point that I slapped him, and broke a glass lid on the floor. The trigger was small like it always has been, and I feel gutted, betrayed and frightened.

    I’m in a safe place but all of my stuff and my cat are at his place.

    I don’t know what to do. I have very little money and few resources that I can see right now. I feel despair.

    I do, however, feel absolutely cured of any misguided, unconscious desire to be with an alcoholic or addict ever, ever again. I guess I had to learn the hard way.



  3.  #3Daria on August 12, 2017 at 8:58 am

    (((((((((Grace)))))))))))



  4.  #4Indigo on August 13, 2017 at 6:55 am

    ((((Grace))))

    I’m not sure if you feel like opening up to us about what happened. Perhaps it still feels raw. But if you’d like to, I’m sure we’d be happy to support you.

    I remember this happening to me. When I moved in with my ex, and then the first time he started behaving in strange and then verbally abusive ways… I also found myself expressing delayed anger in very uncharacteristic ways. For me, it was very important for me to get to the bottom of it, because it’s not like me at all. I’m a very calm, placid person. Once I got right to the bottom of what was triggering my anger (and it took many months in my case), then I became crystal clear on what I would and would not accept. Then I could start to communicate from a clear and strong place. Sometimes, relationships do not survive this self-knowledge…



  5.  #5Rori Raye on August 14, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    Indigo – thank you so much for your helpful comment, and to Daria for acknowledging Grace’s major life step! BRAVA!!!! Grace – I feel certain you’re going to feel your way through getting your stuff and your cat, and getting someplace you can afford that’s also safe. And the next guy may be so “mild” you feel bored – and that’s what you need to do!!!! Let a “boring” man get to you through his love and devotion! Love, Rori



  6.  #6Mandy on August 15, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    Sooo much synchronicity with this article…Ohhh I’m so glad I came back to the blog right now…I am an overfunctioner and have remained single for two years since my last relationship…and today I felt like a freaking bum….I’m technically disabled and I am going through vocational rehabilitation, and today my appointment was canceled and I feel like a bum.
    I also am on a regimen that has no alcohol, no sugar, no wheat and take probiotics…and have had a problem “distracting myself” with alcohol.
    I even had my own nervous breakdown after last november and had to take a break from EVERYTHING to get my psyche set straight again (which I did with the help of my psychiatrist.) Now I’m ready to feel the flow again….and so here I am, on this particular blog article, feeling it has a whole lot of synchronicity with my own situation!

    I am just so overwhelmingly glad I came back to the blog. Rori I’ve missed you and the Sirens so much!



  7.  #7mary on August 20, 2017 at 6:52 pm

    Hi Grace and Karen,

    I’m sorry you guys got the cool down treatment from your men…

    … that happens to me too sometimes.

    When it happens I just imagine that I’ve been inside a circle. I’ve been attainable, totally gettable, totally transparent, acquiescing in every way, very close to my phone, getting dinner for my man no matter what, etc., etc., whatever he asks, I do…

    All I have to do to get him interested again is jump outside the circle. Whatever that means at the time. And I do actually think about it that way. The last time I jumped out of the circle, I told myself, “I will not text Chris.” And I haven’t. Okay, he hasn’t texted me, but at least now I KNOW that he’s not the one for me, because the man for me would be texting me! So he cooled down, I jumped out of the circle, and I realized there was no reason to be in the circle in the first place.

    Another time I jumped outside the circle I just refused to listen to my intuition about what my guy was thinking, very similar to one of Rori’s tools a few posts back. And I concentrated on being there, in the moment, enjoying myself to the fullest, thinking about the weather, looking him in the eyes and saying, “Oh my goodness, I love the ocean,” then walking confidently into nowhere without even pausing to get his response. That turned our whole night around…

    I think it’s basically just being less interested in HIS thoughts, HIS actions, HIS goings on, HIS moods, HIS likes and dislikes and being highly tuned in to whatever is going on with me. And wanting someone who is compatible with THAT! (oh MY!)

    All Rori…

    Thank you Rori!

    Mary



  8.  #8Indigo on August 21, 2017 at 12:24 am

    mary,

    I like this! I also like something Matthew Hussey says “he has his reasons, I have my reality. And I’m more interested in my reality.”

    He has a very funny video where he breaks down a poor text exchange between one of his friends and her guy. Basically he is making all kinds of excuses about why he’s not available and Hussey reminds the woman not to get sucked into any of it but to stay focused on her reality – ie. what is actually happening for her.

    If you’re not getting what you need/want out of the relationship, his reasons don’t matter very much. Not that you want to be unsympathetic to him or unbelieving of him, just don’t put your attention there.



  9.  #9mary on August 21, 2017 at 7:33 am

    i know what you mean, Indigo!

    i’d love to see that video.

    i went out with a guy, and then, before Rori did her recent post with all the steps in it, something happened, and i wanted to explain myself. i made a plan with him to go for drinks, and i thought it all through, and then… just as i was drying my hair, it started raining. buckets of huge drops, like a monsoon, where you get drenched, and i was supposed to pick him up at the gate to his apartments… i asked if he wanted to change the plan (maybe meet me at the place?) but he said he was “under the weather.”

    so we postponed our get together.

    then i read Rori’s post, and the gist of it was “I am here now,” and I began to see it differently. Instead of needing to explain to him, (because I was in his head, thinking his thoughts…) I thought… “Hmmmm… my actions could have been confusing back then and he didn’t even ask me about them. In fact, he’s not calling, not texting, he’s not getting in touch, and he cancelled our get together where I wanted to explain myself…”

    And I thought, “if he was the man I want, he would be more interested in what I had to say…” He would be dying to hear my explanation.

    So I let it go.

    I wasn’t super involved with him. We hadn’t been living together. I was in rather dire straits financially and in other areas of my life, but it wasn’t about that, and I wasn’t dependent on him. t just wanted to EXPLAIN.

    But I wanted to explain to a guy who was curious…

    And he wasn’t.

    So I let him go.

    And that worked for me ultimately, although he crosses my mind all the time…



  10.  #10mary on August 21, 2017 at 7:33 am

    how are you, Indigo?

    how are your plans shaping up?



  11.  #11Indigo on August 21, 2017 at 8:55 am

    Thanks mary, I’m leaving to go on a short trip to Ireland in less than 2 weeks!

    The purpose of my trip will be mainly reconnaissance, and also some holiday. It will mainly be about sussing out work opportunities and places to stay, and making some connections with people while I am there 🙂



  12.  #12Grace on August 21, 2017 at 9:41 am

    Thank you Daria, Indigo, Rori and Mary for the support and encouragement. 😀

    I’m choosing to stay for now. It has been peaceful – when LD is at his best, it feels so easy and flowy. I have no doubt of his love for me whatsoever, the behavior isn’t about me, it’s his baggage.

    I recorded one of our exchanges on video, and sent the files to him.
    At first I simply wanted validation for my feelings. As I noticed that, I let it go and didn’t care whether he understood why I felt the way I felt or not and didn’t care whether he watched them or not. What I noticed about ME in those exchanges was that I WAS STILL THERE. I could have left but I didn’t.

    A few days later he mentioned he has been watching the videos and doesn’t feel ready to talk about them yet. He has started taking an antidepressant to help him get some perspective. He does seem to be taking it seriously, and only time will tell really.

    I have made it clear that I will NOT get on the drama train again. Often the “intense experiences” have been in the middle of the night when I’m exhausted and already not thinking clearly. One of the reasons that I was getting sucked into it was that I would say, “I can’t handle this,”, would start to gather my things so I could leave for the night, and in the process get confused.

    So, I have an overnight bag packed so I can walk right out the door and spend the night elsewhere without needing to worry about gathering things together in the heat of the moment. I’ve researched local motels so I know exactly where to go within my budget and I don’t have to bring any drama to a friend’s door. My stuff is moved into the guest room.

    Most of the time he is absolutely loving, positive, supportive, and makes me feel secure, pampered, cared for, deeply loved. The unpleasantness seems to be related to his drinking, and since I grew up with incidents like this related to my father’s drinking it isn’t surprising this is coming up for me as unfinished business and “free therapy”.

    I’ve also looked at my own patterns and behavior. Although nothing I’ve done justifies the way he’s spoken to me, a few of his complaints have been valid.

    I have to say, that even though the tangles with LD have all been nasty, I haven’t felt traumatized by any of it. Feeling everything all the way through to the best of my ability, and being kind, loving and compassionate with myself makes me feel like I’ve been through a passing storm rather than stuck in a meat grinder.

    Today I intend to sit and write out a bunch of thoughts and feelings and get some clarity on my career direction. Put together a food plan to get back on track with weight loss. Work out the numbers for how much I need to move out on my own. Stay on my horse, keep the focus on me!

    For the moment, I feel happy, safe, calm, relaxed and optimistic.

    happythankyoumoreplease 😀



  13.  #13Invigorated on August 21, 2017 at 2:18 pm

    Grace,

    I’m really concerned about your situation. It sounds like you are justifying to yourself, your bf’s abusive behavior. Please get someone else’s perspective on this. You are in the middle of an intense situation and so it is very hard to think clearly. I urge you to seek out a counselor/therapist and get a neutral 3rd party perspective. I’m sure there are free venues for getting counseling. (i don’t know what they are, but maybe someone here has some ideas about free counseling?) Even it its just one or two sessions, it will be very helpful as its very difficult to be objective and see things with clarity when you are in the middle of it.

    Its just not OK to justify abuse of any kind. The more you do this, the more he thinks his behavior is OK and it will likely escalate. You owe to yourself to get at the very least get someone else’s input about your very tricky situation. (We can’t do that here because we don’t know enough about your situation but the little you’ve shared here, it feels alarming me.)

    Best of luck to you! Big hug!



  14.  #14Mandy on August 21, 2017 at 2:26 pm

    Grrr, I feel so mad, I had this thought something was going to come up on my date today and whaddaya know, the guy cancels. This is like the fourth time in one week I have been canceled on (by more than one person) supposedly due to responsibilities. Whenever this happens I think, nooo, he just doesn’t want this date enough, because if he did, he’d make it work!

    I believe I tried not to implode and it blew a fuse, either that or they just like chatting about what it would be like to see me, then when the time comes it’s just too much excitement.

    Aside from analyzing it, which I’m great at, I just want to say, boy I’m frustrated and mad. It’s like there’s little respect for my time. I definitely deserve better than to be canceled on all the time.

    HARUMPH!



  15.  #15Grace on August 21, 2017 at 8:19 pm

    Invigorated – no worries, I am not rationalizing. There is nothing “ok” about the behavior, I don’t believe I did anything to deserve it, and as I mentioned I have a bag packed so that I can simply walk out the door no muss, no fuss, if necessary.

    I also clarified with him some of the things he said when he was angry – and over and over and OVER again, he seems to think I *did* deserve it, that something *I* did made him do whatever…and if only *I* hadn’t done x, y or z…then he wouldn’t have said what he said. Time and time and time again, he has insisted I am angry when I’m not. I have expressed mild disappointment to him about certain things in measured and calm ways, and he insists he hears it in a blaming, accusatory way and repeats it back to me in an ugly accusing voice and insists that is what I said and how I said it (is that gaslighting?).

    I feel sad. Even though things have felt yummy and peaceful for a few days, that particular dynamic is the issue I run into again and again and again with him. I speak carefully and as specifically as possible. I don’t say “nothing’s wrong” when something clearly is, I don’t pretend not to be angry if I truly feel angry, and I can’t live with the negative spin.



  16.  #16Indigo on August 22, 2017 at 12:07 am

    Mandy,

    “It’s like there’s little respect for my time. I definitely deserve better than to be canceled on all the time.”

    Yes, you do. Are these guys you are dating? Or friends and family? Or all of the above?

    I’d like to share my own experience with people; maybe it will help you. I have found that *people* (as a broad, generalized group 🙂 ) are exceptionally flaky. For the most part, people are selfish, and very few will put themselves out in any way for someone they do not have a close relationship with. For the rest of it, people do what they want to do. If they wake up in the morning with a slight headache and do not feel like keeping their coffee date with you, most will cancel without a second thought.

    The mistake I believe we make is taking these things personally. They’re not personal, they couldn’t possibly be personal; they’re just how people are. If I had a dollar (or rand, because I’m South African 🙂 ) for every friend whom I have treated with nothing but kindness and loyalty who has flaked or flounced off for no reason, I would be a wealthy woman. These days, I simply take it as information about that person – either something genuinely came up, or they didn’t take the plans very seriously. If the behaviour continues, I can either talk to that person or distance myself from the friendship, depending on our closeness or the quality of our friendship.

    When it comes to guys I am dating, I have a much lower tolerance for flakiness. Here I believe there are two competing factors to keep in mind. First, you must remember that in the beginning of dating, people put their best foot forward. If cancelling on the first couple of dates without adequate surrounding behaviour (calling, texting, reasons, apologies, eagerness to reschedule etc.) is his best foot, what does that say about the quality of the relationship you would be letting yourself in for?

    Second, the flip side of this is that you cannot expect a guy to be invested when you first meet him and start dating him. Men simply do not work this way. Women can become invested because we are excited about the date, we prepare for it, think about it and talk about it, we think the guy has potential etc. etc. and we are simply more emotional. Men become invested based on the time and effort which they put in to being with a woman. The more time that passes and a man continues to make an effort for and spend time with a woman, the more deeply he becomes invested. And when a man is invested, he is less likely to do things like cancel plans with no good reason etc. It’s like a feedback loop where the effort he puts in creates more effort. If that makes any sense. So if a guy cancels on the first or second date, it doesn’t mean anything other than he is not willing or able to take that first step. Definitely do not take it personally as it does not mean anything about you (unless you have done something very offputting).

    The upshot of everything I’m trying to say though is, don’t get your hopes up for the first date, don’t get invested, don’t create any emotional energy around it which will lead to you being disappointed. Have the mindset of “impress me, handsome” and let him make most of the effort. That way, if it doesn’t come off, you are no worse off. That is the mindset I have had for quite a while, and I cannot remember the last time I was cancelled on. Men can *feel* when you have heightened expectations for the date, and it puts them off (not a criticism, just an observation). Try to be lighter and more easygoing about it, if you can 😉

    Sorry for the lengthy essay… I must have just had a lot of thoughts to put down!



  17.  #17Invigorated on August 24, 2017 at 2:29 pm

    Grace, I’m so glad to hear this. It sounds like you have got a good perspective on your situation! 🙂