Don’t Try to Hide Your Mood From Anyone – Your Man Or Your Kids

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Here’s something we all do because we’re afraid to be “negative” around a man. Lynn wrote that it’s a challenge for her to allow herself to feel and express her feelings:

“…because these feelings come up sometimes when I am not in a situation that makes it easy to deal with, such as looking after all my kids. My kids pick up on it and that makes for a bad mood at times. It helps though to dig it up and get with it, get it out there and dealt with. I find that it makes me stronger and healthier the next time things feel this way. The fear gets smaller, the triggers get weaker, until I can be in that area of my feelings and not get all intense and anxious. Lynn”

Here’s my reply:

Lynn, I’m so happy you brought this up.

Don’t stuff your feelings so that your kids have to “pick up on them.”

What you want to show them is how to be IN TOUCH with feelings – that’s how to help your kids in this world.

This means you say – straight out – “Oh, kids, I’m feeling a bit blue today…just a bunch of things, but seeing your lovely faces makes me smile, and I don’t want to pretend I don’t feel blue – because I want you to feel okay feeling blue, too, if you ever do…hey – anyone want to join me in painting a blue picture?”

…In other words…a bad “mood” is what happens when you don’t feel you have the right to feel what you feel.

Just go there, and then go somewhere else!

Love, Rori

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197 Comments

  1.  #1Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 3:42 am

    A while back Shannon suggested I tell Bill, “I feel bored” when I’m at work feeling bored, as a way of connecting heart to heart, rather than just goofing around to handle my boredom.

    It was a perfect suggestion, and I’ve been doing it off and on ever since (the job is excessively boring). It has been a means of connecting us, far beyond saying, “I’m fine” when he asks how I’m doing. He has been sensitive to the isolation I felt in a separate building from the rest of the group with which I’m working. And he responded by inviting me to sit in his area!

    Now we see each other every day, instead of every week or so! All because I was honest with my negative emotions!

    I’ve also been very candid with him about other work frustrations, and he is always helpful and understanding. Oh yes, husband material! 🙂



  2.  #2Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:36 am

    I want someone to play with on Siren Island. 🙂



  3.  #3dorothea on August 10, 2010 at 11:38 am

    Brenda, all I can think about is applying to graduate school and exercising. Seems kind of out of place to say anything about it.



  4.  #4Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:43 am

    Dorothea, that’s fine. Do what you need to do. I just haven’t grown up yet.



  5.  #5Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:51 am

    One thing Bill said I didn’t like. When I got on the topic of expressing both positive and negative emotions, after he said he got spanked if he came home from a fight at school crying, I asked, “What do you think?”

    He said, “I think eventually the whole world will go the way of Asian countries.”

    I said, “What do you mean by that?”

    He said, “They are overpopulated, and they deal with tension by keeping it subdued. They are polite.”

    I said, “So what are you saying? That we should be like that?”

    He said, “Well, you don’t see people over there shooting up a bunch of people because they lost their job.”

    I said, “I think we lose a piece of our souls by teaching ourselves how not to feel.”

    He didn’t say anything, was just listening, so I said, “I think if we bottle up intense emotions, they come out some other unhealthy way, LIKE shooting up people because you lost your job.”

    I discussed how I had to deal with anger triggers every day when I worked with mentally handicapped kids who smeared feces, ate crayons, and bounced off the walls.

    Bill insisted that anger and other negative emotions should be withheld.

    Yuck.

    I’m gonna hafta really bombard him with feeling messages! Eh-eh! **mischievously twinkles eyes as she grins!*



  6.  #6dorothea on August 10, 2010 at 11:53 am

    I AM GOING TO FULFILL MY DREAM OF A LINGUISTICS DOCTORATE FROM A DELICIOUS SCHOOL IN A DELICIOUS CITY AND PROBABLY MY DELICIOUS MAN IS COMING WITH ME AND I WILL SEE DELICIOUS MUSIC IN THIS DELICIOUS CITY AND I WILL LEARN DELICIOUS THINGS ABOUT LANGUAGE.

    my uncle, who has been MIA from my life and a total dick about assuming i am worthless and incapable, just pulled some strings to get me into GRE prep classes for free. this is the first time in my life anyone in my family has helped me with anything.



  7.  #7Daria on August 10, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    Hmm

    i feel left out

    i feel unappreciated

    i feel unworthy

    i feel afraid

    i feel holding in hurt heart

    i feel hot chest

    i feel droopy face sides

    i feel depressed from holding in my emotions

    hey Dorothea I feel not good enough that you got into gre prep classes! I feel unsure of myself

    i feel concerned

    i feel tightened

    i feel lost

    i feel afraid

    i feel worthless
    i feel replaceable

    i feel foolish

    i feel afraid

    i feel sad

    i feel not good enough

    i feel not even close to ever being good enough

    i feel dominated

    i feel sad

    i feel keep head down

    i feel afraid of mom

    i feel bad

    i feel enduring

    i feel righteous

    i feel love for myself

    i feel anger

    i feel uncomfortable

    i feel stuck

    i feel disengaged



  8.  #8Daria on August 10, 2010 at 12:04 pm

    i need a freakin twin so i can play with them all the time

    i am a twin gemini



  9.  #9Daria on August 10, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    i am having a relationship deep convo with a man on IM

    im realizing that

    i feel afraid of it “marriage”

    and that

    i feel afraid of trusting someone that much

    a man?

    really?

    with my finances?

    to be faithful?

    to be there as a father

    to make ME happy??? ME??????

    no way

    no freakin way

    my parents couldnt even do that

    and i have never met a man who came close to my parents

    in integrity

    i am really

    effed up

    there are no men

    means im filtering them

    terribly

    my filters

    are all jacked up

    im seeing no good men

    no trustbalbe
    men

    i dont even trust my dad

    freak



  10.  #10Daria on August 10, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    i feel mad!

    im supposed to trust a man and i dont een trust my dad!!!??

    i dont think so

    not this virgin

    im not going out like that

    im gonna be single forever

    there it is

    i am going to be single forever

    because i dont give a dman abt these f*ckers

    they are not all that to me

    they do nothing fo rme

    i hate them

    i hate them

    i hate them

    i dont even like having sex that much

    i ate that i want to have sex right now

    i hate that they make fun of women “wanting dick”””

    i hate that it feels horrifying and embarassing

    i hate that i feel this way

    i must be emotionally unbalanced

    no.

    that is a false statement

    thank you

    it is not true that i must be emotionally unbalanced

    thank you

    ok

    life

    is

    feeling

    rushed like aroller coaster right now

    i feel angry at men RAUGGGH

    where are you right nowRAUUUGGGHHH

    where are you in teh morning?

    i was jus tin house of 20 peopla

    and now in a house of 1 person

    where is everyonw

    i want bonding!

    i want hormones!

    i want sex

    i want sex

    S E

    X

    and i feel frustrated and angry RAUGGGH

    that my choices feel limited

    in pleasuer

    ikcy!!!!

    i do NOT want limits on my pleasure

    i do ?NOT want unhealthyniss feeling a separate issue

    aick i feel wierd



  11.  #11Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 12:29 pm

    Now I am having all sorts of insecure feelings slip in about Bill. What if he interpretted my fiesty back-and-forth banter as arguing? I tend to get overly excited by conversation, the residue of being alone and lonely too long. What if he took it real seriously while I took it as joking? I mean, I don’t like hunting. But I don’t dislike a man if he hunts. But if this is a major part of his life, maybe it matters to him. Maybe as a biologist who prides himself in being able to live in nature and survive, maybe he wants a woman who will go hunting with him. I dunno.

    But I am going to stay on my bridge and know that God chose a man for me. And there is absolutely nothing I can do to mess it up. So if he rejects me because I love Bambi, then that makes it simple for me. He isn’t the One. Case closed.



  12.  #12dorothea on August 10, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    brenda calm your brain, jeez. lol.



  13.  #13Daria on August 10, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    i get triggered by this line in Brenda’s post.

    “I tend to get overly excited by conversation, the residue of being alone and lonely too long”

    i feel like ICK!!!! I feel like i’m being pulled on my emotions. I don’t like this feeling!!!

    I don’t like seeing a judgement “overly” excited. I feel bad when my self talk goes this way. I don’t want to judge myself. I LOVE myself.

    and alone and lonely too long… ohhh this feels icky… i feel distrustful and i feel angry… this feels like it’s pulling on me and i feel frowny and ick. on i don’t WANT to feel pulled!! accck. “too long” is a judgement. what if i’ve been lonely and alone … and thats OK … what if i’ts ok that i am lonely and alone right now wow i feel freakin good right now ! hhellooo! trigger i feel good. too long feels hopeless … i dont like when my thoughts go this way either — its usually the wall for me… to late for what!!??? too late for me to be happy and have a happy life with EVERYTHING I DESIRE COMING TRUE?? i don’t think so… i think everything i desire comes true in a second!!! i love me i love me i love me…

    thank you

    ok i get it

    this triggers me because it triggers my self talk and the way that feels and im noticing and making changes in that which is pretty #effifn aweomse i feel teary and excited like yayy



  14.  #14Rori Raye on August 10, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Daria – thank you for this…Love, Rori



  15.  #15Megan on August 10, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    So this is a longer story but the gist is I have feelings for my guy roommate who moved in about a month ago. He def liked me first and came on kind of strong at times, already having said “I love you” twice.
    He flirts, says sweet things, asks a lot of questions when I go out but never acts on any of it. By that I mean, he won’t ask me out places or on dates. I should mention that I am about to leave the country and we have discussed these things after I said to him “i feel pissed”. and then went on to say “i feel confused when you say and do certain things but never act on it”. I know not to try and control things but my question is less about what to do (although I would like any suggestions) but why am I so PISSED when he comes home and doesn’t pay me much attn? I realize this sounds silly after only a month. I guess I feel pissed b/c I feel led on and then dropped. should I express this to him?
    he admitted to not wanting to “take things further” due to the situation (my leaving town and the country) but I’m still mad. I don’t want to act unaccordingly to my feelings, as Rori says, but at the same time I feel silly for feeling mad.



  16.  #16Daria on August 10, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    wow so i feel triggered

    my neighbor wants to smoke with me but he wants a ride pretty far to get it, and he doesnt have money to pay me the full gas for the ride

    at first i felt cool but then the way the convo went now i feel pist – i had triggers with him in similar situations in the past –

    i feel not very loved, he says well im gonna smoke a bunch with u, yeah

    i will be busy so dont have that time

    weird my phone cut off right when i was feeling bad, the phone is still off

    now i feel guilty

    “how could you do a person like this” (not call back when phone went dead and you were possibly planning something)

    “hes gonna think you’re a jerk”

    “what if you want to kick it with him later and he wont cuz you were a jerk”

    “he wont like you anymore”

    i feel triggered and I DONT WANT To turn on my phone, i don’t want to drive there right now in these circumstances feeling this way

    i feel mad yes my face is set in frowny oh it just looks sad let me set my face to mad like the new tool

    yes i feel mad

    oh i feel sad now i felt sad in my heart AHA!!! i felt that in my heart yeah!

    he – the neighbor – used to date me before he even moved here and now he just got married

    i fele angry!

    i feel angry – set angry face – yes

    you jerk! how dare you ask me to drive i dont want to drive that far

    i feel angry that youre gonna give money to your wife

    i efel angry that you have wife

    i feel angry that you say i argue a lot

    i feel angry that i feel tossed all of a sudden emotionally by you when i feel like the rug is pulled out from under me

    i feel angry that the plans arent 100% to my benefit

    wack wack wack

    right now is not whats poppin for me

    you say well if it doesnt work then another time ok well ifeel angered by tis i feel unimportnat i DONT LIKE FEEING THAT WAY ADN I FEEL ANGRY!!!!

    i feel angry to feel unimportant! i was feeling good and happy and loved and connectee dand I DONT WANT TO FEEL unimportant

    i dotn want to get close to u now that i feel unimportant and continue to feel unimportant while im with you

    i feel relieved that im not with you right now

    i feel angry

    i feel scared – make scared face –

    that you wont like me no more!

    i feel sad!!!

    i dont want to feel sad!

    i don’t want to be distant from you!

    i want to feel safe and loved and important and happy and playful and good

    i feel sad a lil and scared a alil and smily a lil happy

    what if i could feel happy

    i dont want to drive that far with my neighbor without 5 $ gas.

    i didn’t like doing that last time and i dont want to do it now.

    thank u.

    i miss my neighbor
    it would have felt fun to kick it and smoke with him – when HE was in a good mood and I was in a good mood –

    but then he got in what i guess was a bad mood – i felt unimportant – and being close to him did not seem like it would feel good anymore

    i feel sad

    i feel guilty and not good enuf at wording stuff so that he doesnt feel “used, offended” “turned off, closed off, defensive”

    and then he says stuff like – its ok another time if u cant do it now – and i feel sad, and unimportant

    i feel sad about this

    i want to feel important

    i feel angry that i felt unimportant

    how can i make myself feel important right now?

    — inner bonding —

    one way im making myself feel important is NOT rushing to call him back and let him know that i dont want to do it and how im feleing —– instead im leanign back and being “rude” and NOT turning my phone on, and NOT clarifying what i want … and this makes me feel important that im putting myself ahead of him… and i’m hearing and not obeying the NV’s that this is “wrong” that it’s wrong to treat people like this. “it’s wrong to treat people like shit” “it’s wroing to treat people like dirt” triggers from childhood – i feel awful to hear that i treated you like dirt, i feel shocked and scared… i feel angry of being accused of this, i feel sorry thinking tha tyou felt bad because of sometihgn i did, i feel angry!!! i feel angry!!!! i feel angry!!!! i feel defensive I do NOT want to be accused of treating people like dirt!

    i feel unworthy and not good enuf and unloveable. i dont feel loved. i dont deserve to be loved unless i treat people good.

    i feel pinched.

    i feel scared

    – make scared face —

    ok… wow expell air

    i feel smily i feel excited i feel curious make curious face

    i feel intense rush emotions

    i feel afraid in chest – make afriad face –

    i feel yawn

    i love my feelings



  17.  #17Daria on August 10, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    i feel afraid to turn my phone on and that he will call, and i will feel guilty and bad, and then abandoned …

    how can i give myself what i want? reassurance and love?

    i think you are great no matter what daria. and i love you… i want to do what is good for you including chillin at the house and not driving far when you don’t like driving that far

    even if he gets sarcastic, blaming, rejecting and unimportant like acting and abadnoing…

    i love you and i want to reassure you and not abandon you. i will be here with you all day and you are pretty damn tight. and i love you.

    and even tho you feel afraid that he will hurt your feelings – you want to feel loved and protected, i will protect you. you are safe and i WANT to kick it with you believe me that is ALL I WANT. i really want to kick it with you and I will prioritize and i don’t even care about the weed i want to kcik it with you and spedn time with you even if he doesnt.

    the end.



  18.  #18Daria on August 10, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    I feel shaky still. i listened to the message. i want to be wanted to kcik it with as a friend, i dont want to go just about the weed. my friend is supposed to come see me in like 30 min to an hour, thats hohw long that would take anyway

    i dont want to drive that far just for weed, i want to kick it with my neihgbor, i am down to drive that far to kcik it with him and have fun and feel loved

    i feel afraid that iwont feel loved diong that now

    i want to feel loved and kicked with ,wanted to share and talk and bond and listen to music and laugh and tell jokes and stories and make soeone feel good and be made to feel good and praised and supported and admired



  19.  #19Daria on August 10, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    so i called my neighbor back, and im like my phone died and then the battery went dead

    and hes like ohh ok. – i had a message from him sayin he doesnt know what happend with the call

    so i say u still wanna smoke? – to me its feelin back nice now

    so he says yeah, so im like ok so where we gonna smoke in your studio garage?

    hes like well i wasnt gonna come back, i was gonna hve you drop me off by ther an smoke in the car…

    so im like ohhh

    well… i dont want to do that… cuz… i wanna kick it. i wanna chill at your studio and listen to your cd an stuff… thats what would feel good to me..

    i odnt really like smoking in the car and stuff

    I feel so glad i said that ! that was my issue – i want to KICK it with him, not just go get some pot – cuz i already got that this morning and will soon probably

    so he’s like oohhhh ok i get it. OMG i felt so cool that i had said that

    and now he called the person to check and the person wasnt there – so that means we will come back to his studio and kick it – for a lil bit cuz i got a cd coming to get me!

    yay

    ok it worked out

    omg triggerific people triggerific

    i feel like im bursting out with excitement all in my chest and lips and eyes



  20.  #20Rose on August 10, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    Hello Beautiful Goddesses…I haven’t posted much here, but was wondering if anyone or Rori could give me their insight…

    What would Rori’s opinion be on your man/husband having “guys nights”. I notice the guy I have been seeing for a 1 year 1/2 started going over to his guy friends house once a week…I am not sure how I feel about this….
    We see each other every weekend and sometimes maybe once during the week..
    For some reason this rubs me the wrong way maybe its old triggers?

    Help ladies!



  21.  #21Daria on August 10, 2010 at 5:12 pm

    ok i went and kicked it with my neighbor SO much practice

    first of all this is one of my first “boyfriends” since i was 18

    me and him had a thing like we really liked each other
    and we always used to fight and argue in public but we were both shy and dorky and all stubborn and mean to each other

    this is what i do with m en tease them. i notice he thinks im argumentative now and i have that thought about him too

    and now i practiced

    i was feeling ignored in the car while he was listening to his ipod

    ok with my brother i know i wouldnt care what the hell he was doing , i might feel a lil lonely but not “ignored”

    which i checked and basically meant i felt “uninteresting”

    so then i kept talking to myself telling myself im interesting and that i want to get to know myself and everything i would have liked to hear from the man and just kept assuming the water wheel is turning my way ESPECIALLY when he’s not paying attention to me and i feel bad

    and then i kept talking to myself and i started feeling better and better just to get a chance to practice with this “clueless/difficult” man

    who is my ex

    and now just got married

    anyway now i feel good!

    i did great in saying goodbye!

    remember goodbye was an issue for me

    and we both had to go at 5

    so at 5 minutes to 5 i heard this voice “i should go”

    and i felt all flustered and familiar

    and then i changed it to… this is a good time to go… and felt better
    and then said bye
    and then he wanted to give me a hug

    and he kinda crushed my lips with his shoulder

    and my heart was beating hecka fast

    and then i said bye and looked him in the eye for a 1 looking all stuck and terrified like bambi lol

    and then i looked away and he mumbled something and i said ok bye and looked him in the eye again blank feeling incredibly open and vulnerable

    and then i turned and walked and i felt pretty! and pretty confident kinda relieved, a lil insecure and feeling good about myself and this



  22.  #22Buttery on August 10, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Wow, Daria, you are awesome! You are so strong to be able to feel vulnerable yet confident at the same time!
    I feel proud that you made good use of this opportunity to “practice”.

    Vulnerability is still such a scary feeling for me, that I usually try to avoid it. I need to find some non-threatening way to practice this feeling, but even the baby steps seem daunting sometimes.



  23.  #23Daria on August 10, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Buttery – thank you! yes it feels VERY scary … after all you are VULNERABLE – open to attack – “or love”

    omg feels terrifying just thinking about it

    like standing in a field about to get hit by incoming arrows

    with the air hitting me hard on my face and shoulder and blowing my hair back and tangling stuff around

    ok..

    another cd.

    i fele grumpy

    and dehydrated



  24.  #24Jennifer on August 10, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I feel triggered by this post…
    I tend to hide my bad moods. I figure they are not someone elses issue…so I just say “I’m in a bad mood” and walk away.
    I feel triggered like being dumb for doing that.
    I feel triggered by Brenda and Daria…I love you guys.
    I feel triggered by “being alone” my NV’s say “you are alone cause you are SUPPOSED to be alone. There IS no one for you. Not you. Others, sure..but not you. Sorry….but really some women are supposed to have a home and husband and children, some are supposed to have other things. So you get other things”
    Boo for just other things. I want ALL the fun stuff.
    I wanna find out where this idea came from and RIP it OUT by the ROOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1



  25.  #25Renee on August 10, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I feel rejected and angry! Long distance guy called again…he called last week and I returned his call, got voicemail and he didn’t call me back…until tonight. I let voicemail pick up when he called because I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to talk to him and when I called back 45 minutes later, I got voicemail again. Now I feel afraid and rejected because I fear he won’t call me back and I don’t even know why it matters! He’s obviously not the man for me, or he wouldn’t have put me on the back burner for a whole month! What at assclown to not recognize what a wonderful catch I am! He deserves to have something bad happen to him for making me feel used, like a worthless piece of meat. I hate feeling like this! I want to run from it!



  26.  #26Jesssie on August 10, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    I was always told to be seen and not heard or go to your room until you can be happy. I still hide away if i am really depressed and hardly ever ask for help…Why? I know the reasons.



  27.  #27Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Renee,

    If you work with some of Rori’s and Christian’s CD programs, you will see that sometimes a man will withdraw while he evaluates his feelings, after it goes deep with a woman, because men tend to be scared of deep feelings and don’t always handle them well.

    I hope you are soft and gentle on the phone with him.



  28.  #28Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    Daria,

    There’s a difference between listening to negative voices and working hard to be self-aware. I didn’t tell everything I said during my lunch “date”. The FACT is, I was overstimulated, because I felt so happy. The FACT is, I called him a b*tch and a pain in the *ss in the context of our teasing conversation. That would be bad enough to start with, but it was said at work in the presence of coworkers, which was totally inappropriate. I momentarily forgot time and space.

    So if you want to be triggered by me, be triggered that I called a man those words, a man who I like very much and didn’t want to f*ck up anything with. I can’t help but feel foolish.



  29.  #29Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 9:50 pm

    Dorothea, Congratulations!



  30.  #30Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 10:38 pm

    I feel isolated and unheard. I have reason to second think my times with men. I have such inept experience with men. So much of this is new to me in experience. When I am in the thick of rapid conversation, I just operate out of second nature. And it’s not good. I come from a very dysfunctional family. I want to break the chain and not be like them. I have to be hypervigilant of myself or I will fall into yelling, criticism, and overfunctioning.

    I don’t know what to do to stop. I want to cry for all the times I made a fool of myself in front of people. The world of people is scary to me. Trees and fields and dogs are not enough to keep me company.

    Daria, I feel attacked for being lonely and imperfect in my relational skills. It doesn’t feel good. What do you think?



  31.  #31Rori Raye on August 10, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Rose, Welcome – and – whoa – I need to say here – after 1 year and 1/2 of seeing a man – is weekends and once during the week enough for you? Are you exclusive and why are you exclusive? Now – it’s kind of cool that your man sees his friends once a week – for poker, for fantasy football, for music jams…and I wonder why it bothers you at all? The only thing I can think is that you resent him spending time with anyone else because he’s not spending enough time with you. THAT’S what you need to investigate. After 1 1/2 years – marriage should be on the table – unless you’re both very young. Love, Rori



  32.  #32Rori Raye on August 10, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    Jesssie, Welcome – and “why” isn’t important. What do you want to do about it now? is the only question worth answering now. We’ll help. Big hug from me…Love, Rori



  33.  #33Rori Raye on August 10, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    Brenda – how can I help you take better care of yourself, and get yourself out in the world so you can practice without beating yourself up every time you’re “not perfect.”? How about you write a list of your strengths, your wonderful qualities, and lists of things you like to do, things you lie, and start putting a plan together. You are so lovely, and spending so much energy ANALYZING things – and I want you to get out there and LIVE – with more relaxation, less tension…and some baby steps to take each day. You are yelling and critical to others because you are so hard on yourself. Start here. Instead of being hypervigilant – how about you try being more embracing of yourself and see what happens. I recommend a meditation group – not in isolation by yourself, a hiking group, going to classes in everything you can think up and find – photography, yoga, belly dance, pole dancing, acting,improvisation, joining a theater group…ANYTHING that feels fun and out there past your comfort zone. This is your ticket. If I could make just one recommendation for you to keep – instead of hyper-vigilance – try the Modern Siren moving through water Tool – just slow yourself down. Breathe, walk slow. Move through jelly…talk slow – practice that..okay? Love, Rori (I think I’ll put your comment and my reply up as a post – it seems very universal.)



  34.  #34Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    Rori,

    Since you’re online, I want to say I feel uncomfortable that you gave Daria a pat on the back for attacking me for being lonely and insecure about my interaction with Bill, in #s 13-14. How do you feel about what I wrote in 28 and especially 30?

    Love,
    Brenda



  35.  #35Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:02 pm

    Rori,

    I just received your response after my last post. I hear what you are saying, and I have been trying most of those things already. I will focus on doing it more. I have been working your Modern Siren tools since April 2009!! I have taken belly dance and salsa aerobics and zumba in the past. I currently swim several times a week.

    I missed SO MANY social interactions as a teenager and young adult that still, at age 46, my mind says, “OMG! A man is actually talking to me! I get little girlish and just can’t manage my emotions. I learn by error and error.

    I will try to stop hyperanalyzing and try what you said to a deeper degree. I really appreciate you addressing my issue. If only you could know the depth to which I have been isolated most of my life. This writing forum with no actual human beings in sight is totally comfortable for me, after writing men in prison 21 years. But put me in front of a man to whom I’m attracted, and I become so excited and flustered that all the tools go out the window.

    I feel like crying. I feel like such a social retard that I called Bill a b*tch. Thanks again.

    Love,
    Brenda



  36.  #36Tina on August 10, 2010 at 11:11 pm

    This is a dumb question but what are my strengths? I have no idea what my strengths are? Do I need strengths? ok so something to do, I’ll do an online search, I feel even dumber typing this.



  37.  #37Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    I can see now I felt so happy Bill was FINALLY making a move that I just poured out all the stuff I’ve been wanting to say and discuss, subjects I wanted to feel him out on, because I don’t know him much beyond work and his beautiful personality.

    My life seems to be comprised of damage and damage control. I have been crying, and I feel like I will never be able to function in society as a normal human being. I have been growing a lot. But I just fell flat on my face and can see more than ever how much I NEED circular dating.

    I’m fine conducting myself around a man that doesn’t really mean anything to me. I want Ryan. I felt so relaxed with pillow talk with him.

    I tend to yell and criticize because I was yelled at and criticized so much in childhood. Being hard on myself is the nasty voices from childhood. And when I read Daria’s post, all my self-talk floods in:

    NOW what did I do wrong? No matter what I do, it’s not good enough! I must be a horrible person to always be so wrong!

    And I’ve gone thru enuff therapy that when this garbage surfaces, I feel angry at all the people in my past and present who put me down when I DON’T deserve it.

    I feel embarrassed airing all this crap, but I know it’s the only way to work it thru. I just want to have a normal life as a wife and mother!! But I’m so f*cked up inside.

    This is one of the few times in my life when a man to whom I am truly attracted gave me the time of day, and I called him a b*itch and a pain in the *ss. Can I go hide now?

    I really like the idea of joining a theater group…I will look into that. You wanna hear how socially retarded I was in the past? When I was about 16, I tried out for a play at my high school. The teacher was giving us auditions. He told a boy to act like he was going to pick me up. I was so naive I literally thought he was going to lift me. Then when he addressed me, I just stuttered and got totally nervous and couldn’t speak.



  38.  #38Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:30 pm

    Enuff analyzing and embarrassing myself for one night. Time to get out there and live, like Rori said. Like my first boyfriend said at age 25, “Did you live in a shell????”



  39.  #39Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    I’ve been trying to be more self-aware. I don’t want to be trapped in the patterns my life has set for me. I am trying to fly out of my cage.



  40.  #40Tina on August 10, 2010 at 11:36 pm

    Brenda, I like living in my shell 🙂 I feel like a pearl, I”ll slam my shell on the whole world if it suits me.



  41.  #41Tina on August 10, 2010 at 11:46 pm

    I have a problem, I want to experience EVERYTHING I hear about stuff and I want to go see it or find out more about it. My curious nature really gets me in trouble sometimes. Problem solving is one of my strenghs 🙂 oh I asked someone well Eggshell Man something along those lines about how we view the world or how I view myself or whatever, he says that “mild mannered” is not what he sees when someone asks him about me, Here I thought I was mild mannered. Maybe people just think im crazy, I heard that before, Im crazy, I highly doubt it though.



  42.  #42Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    What should I say to Bill tomorrow??



  43.  #43Brenda on August 10, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Hi Tina,

    I lived in my shell too many years, unconsciously protecting myself from the emotional abuse that surrounded me in childhood.

    Tina, if anyone calls you crazy, tell them “Insanity keeps me sane!”



  44.  #44Tina on August 10, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    We came back from our second trip , that was successful, meaning no blow outs. He did ask about sex at one point while we were driving on our way home. He said oh dont take this the wrong way or I dont want you to feel like you have too “walk on eggshells” but what about sex when we get to your place? I just said flat out NO, dont bug me about sex ok. He kinda got offended, I said ok maybe I need to work on my delivery here, so I spoke in feeling messages . he got it I think, but we ended up having sex kinda on a long deserted road that took us about 2 hours to drive through. I felt better after my feeling message about sex and then I felt better, he accepted my response, I felt HEARD, then I felt ok and said ok why not just right here, lets do it here, just pull over and get out and F*ck here ok 🙂 it took him about 1 second to pull over hehe funny shit.



  45.  #45Tina on August 11, 2010 at 12:12 am

    OH yeah, at one point during our trip, he did make a comment about the cell phone he gave me, I said, I dont feel comfortable talking about the cell phone, I have one here but the battery died damnit but anyway, he started to raise his voice again, I said I really feel uncomfortable with your anger right now, I feel walking on eggshells again. I said I would jump out of the truck, I just said it without thinking if I jump out I’ll get hurt but yeah, he understood but at the same time, he said, You have to much control. I didnt think this was about control, well yeah maybe, he wants me to have to phone so he can bug me 24;7 or what? He asked what I was doing tomorrow, I said going to my class, and doing some business, he said so Im not in the plan, I said well no, I wasnt planning on seeing you, then I leaned way forward and said well , I’ll be in class if you want me, you know where I am, he said ok bring the phone so I can call you. god that effin phone. I feel im being tracked, I hate it! Taking care of HIS NEEDS UGH! its so easy to fall back into that pattern, I woke up this morning, with a thought that made sense to me, it disappeared, dang it I hate that when it happens, it was a good thought.

    I didnt break up with him, in the end. We went on a 2 1/2 day trip. He said he enjoyed our trip, I did too, we played a game called shark, we made up 🙂 in the hotel pools we stayed in.



  46.  #46Tina on August 11, 2010 at 12:17 am

    We talked about how we were going to steal the bear statue in front of the hotel and drive around with it. I think he thinks that giving me money is taking care of my needs?



  47.  #47Tina on August 11, 2010 at 12:21 am

    Brenda, I really dont know what you should tell Bill tomorrow. I worked at an office, this man stood in front of me with his butt right in front of my face, and I pinched it oops.



  48.  #48Tina on August 11, 2010 at 12:23 am

    I blurt things out too 🙂 I think thats why I dont say much. My mom said that about me, Tina, you have a big mouth. Yeah well…



  49.  #49Tina on August 11, 2010 at 12:26 am

    I like my shell, I like my comfy cozy shell 🙂 Im a problem solver yeah, thats a strengh, did I say that already?



  50.  #50Daria on August 11, 2010 at 1:51 am

    Brenda – I feel angry being talked about as “attacking you” . I don’t want to be accused of attacking people while processing my triggers. That feels bad.

    I feel unheard and misunderstood.

    Sorry that you feel bad.

    What I addressed was strictly about me. and how i feel and what i felt triggered by something written by you

    I don’t like my words of talking about Me being categorized as an attack on someone else. i feel really angry and indignant and self righteous about that

    i feel furious and powerless and slandered and that feels bad

    i don’t want to be accused of attacking someone when i express that something feels bad to me

    i feel really weird tense

    i feel angry right now



  51.  #51Daria on August 11, 2010 at 1:55 am

    i feel really triggered and tense. i feel totally pist that … . THIS FEELS UN?FAIR . i feel so tense.. i feel like beating people. i feel so angry. i don’t feel capable of processing all this anger without tightening it up in my muscles in my inner hip and my arms and sticking it.

    im making angry face to match

    i feel angry.. i do NOT want to be labeled, silenced, talked false stuff about, complained about, assumed about, unheard, dismissed, i feel really mad



  52.  #52Daria on August 11, 2010 at 1:58 am

    i do NOT want my posts to be made out to be about something else than they are about. i do not want to get accused of stuff when other people feel triggered.

    why?

    i feel unloved and unsafe

    how can i make myself feel loved and safe right now

    i love me

    i really like my voice even when other people did not hear me

    i feel safe i am here home safe in front of hte computer

    i am emotionally safe because i will back myself up hundreds of times if need be

    i love me

    i HAVE THE RIGHT to have the feelings i feel and i have the right to express that feeling and i do not want to allow anyone to silence me

    thank u



  53.  #53Daria on August 11, 2010 at 2:01 am

    I feel my gift of showing my process of how i manage thoughts that don’t feel good was not received.

    it would have felt so good to hear … ohh… i get what you’re doing… you’re checking how this talk feels when you do it to yourself and Loving yourself by changing the talk

    instead i feel unseen and attacked. i love myself i love my process. i love that i have a process, that its working well and on automatic i love noticing myself i love loving myself. i feel safe here i am loved by me



  54.  #54Daria on August 11, 2010 at 2:22 am

    whoa i felt really powerful and out of control. i felt really weird and undeserving to be talking about a gift that is as if me expressing myself could be a gift like i am assuming that that can help someone that they may feel curious and want to practice what im doing or get inspired . i love and deem myself worthy NOW.

    even tho i feel unheard and talked not true about i love my sinky feeling – oh no this is trouble feeling and LOVE myself and believe myself, stand up and out for myself, believe In myself, stand behind and by myself yeah

    i like how im loving myself yeah

    this last cd felt challenging, i kept falling in the pattern of taking charge, then i felt drained, i didn’t speak my feelings and talked about topics that felt bad, i felt kinda sad negative energy from the topics, i love me, i practiced a lil bit, babysteps, i rock, those were the most magnificent baby steps ever taken.. i was noticing myself yes, i was getting myself getting with myself i love me yea



  55.  #55Renee on August 11, 2010 at 5:27 am

    Brenda,

    I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. I do understand where you’re coming from to a certain extent…

    In high school, though I was a cheerleader and fairly popular, I didn’t really date much at all…I had an alcoholic father whose “current state” was always the major concern of the day (is he drunk tonight? is he sober? will he pass out on the sofa and wet his pants again so we’ll have to dig through his urine-soaked pants in the morning for lunch money?) so I wasn’t as fun and light-hearted as most of the other girls I ran around with.

    I remember my senior year, my parents separated and I transferred schools and I was on a double date with a girl from my new school and a couple of guys from out of town. I liked this guy, but not having dated much and also coming from a very small town, I really had no idea how to act around men. At one point, I don’t remember why, I actually wiped food on his shirt, thinking I was being playful! What the he!! was I thinking? The next day, I felt like such an idiot and the guy never called me again (keep in mind though, this was not someone I had an established relationship with) and although that was 20+ yrs ago, I still remember how idiotic I was. But, live and learn.

    These days, I guess I have a much better handle on how to handle myself, but in controlling myself so tightly, I suspect I sometimes come across as cold or uptight in my effort to appear ladylike…and it works, sort of…the men I date tell me I’m “classy” or that I act like a “lady” but truthfully, it’s been over 15 years since I’ve been in a truly serious relationship…back since the days when I was acting more instinctively and frankly, immaturely, so I’m not sure what that says about me.

    I guess my point is that many of us have acted like a silly high school girl at times and so you said a couple of things that weren’t “perfect”? So what? You can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy as long as you’re being authentic.

    I think, if you want to say something to Bill about it, you could try something like, “Bill, it felt so fun to have lunch with you guys yesterday, but I hope my good-natured teasing wasn’t taken the wrong way…I get carried away with the silliness on occasion and I realize that’s not always appropriate in a work environment. What do you think?”

    He’ll probably say that either he didn’t think anything of it or may even ask you what you mean, to which you can reply (trying to play it off) by saying, “oh, you know, how I was teasing you by calling you a pain in the a$$…our co-workers, Mary and Bob, may not have realized that we have a close working relationship and thought I was serious. What do you think?”

    This will give him a chance again to say that he understood and everything was fine, and who knows? He may even comment on your “close working relationship”…but I would try to play it off as you just having a little too much fun and not thinking the co-workers understood rather than implying that there’s something wrong with your social skills…does that make sense? What do you think?

    And by the way, no offense intended to Daria, but I felt attacked too when she vented her trigger…I have no doubt that this wasn’t her intention, but in the moment, it felt bad to me too and I didn’t like it.



  56.  #56AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 6:54 am

    Renee,

    Thanks for your post #55. It feels good to hear you supporting Brenda. This work can be so hard. Even baby steps feel overwhelming sometimes.

    I’m feeling very triggered and also feeling unsafe. In true Amber fashion my choice is to walk away rather than develop the skills to express myself without being confrontational or cruel. So I’m taking my toys and leaving the sandbox. LOL.

    I’ll be back when I’ve calmed my booty down. Until then I’ll be breathing deeply and smiling at the thought of Brenda in siren mode today, all soft and melty and Bill can’t stop thinking about her because she’s SO incredible and multi-faceted and FUN and he just never knows what she’ll say next!



  57.  #57Renee on August 11, 2010 at 7:03 am

    Amber — What are you feeling triggered about? Is it anything you could post and maybe get some help with. Even though people sometimes write things that trigger other sirens, it’s still a safe place to vent and get support. I understand what Daria was trying to do in working through her feelings though there was a little fallout…it’s ok, though…I don’t have to like or agree with everything anyone posts to still respect them.

    I would like to hear what’s troubling you if you’d like to share it.



  58.  #58Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 7:09 am

    Tina, LOL! That’s funny about you pinching the guy’s butt at work! Makes me feel better!

    Renee, It’s also funny about you smearing food on the guy. Like I’m not the only one who’s messed up. But I know it wasn’t funny at the moment.

    Thank you very much for your support, and I love your feeling messages! I will use them!

    Amber, Thank you also for your support. I really appreciate your kind comments. Please don’t leave the sandbox. We want you here.



  59.  #59AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 7:09 am

    OK- that was a quick trip home & back. I feel triggered by the words assuming and help someone.

    I feel angry and I feel a lie here and I feel afraid of selfishness and I feel my chest is tightening and I feel my blood racing and I want to kick someone’s @ss and I hate feeling like someone is being bullied and I love that I can express whatever I am feeling and I feel like laughing because it feels good to tell MY TRUTH and know that I can hide behind it and I feel evil and mean and angry and don’t come near me because I am bigger and badder and more intelligent and more cruel and less concerned with being good and I want to WIN and I don’t want you to touch me because I am shaking and I am afraid and I don’t trust that things are always for the best and I feel like Brenda has a broken wing and I want her to heal and feeling sad about Brenda makes me feel sad about me because I am broken and I am crying and I still feel angry and I am sooo tired of seeing competition between women and how hard it is to feel like there will ever be enough for everyone and I HATE “tolerance” and I HATE that tolerance is so far from acceptance and how can I say these things when I can’t live them and why does it even matter and what is the effing point because my journey is just my journey and I do not want to feel emotional over bits and bytes on a computer but I feel Brenda feeling hurt even though I don’t know her and I am sad



  60.  #60Renee on August 11, 2010 at 7:16 am

    Amber — what a great rant! I love that you’re feeling all the things you’re feeling and that you can express all these contradictory feelings in a place where you will be accepted not despite them, but because of them.

    Does it feel better now to have expressed yourself? I hope so…I agree with Brenda…don’t leave the sandbox — we like having you here:-).



  61.  #61AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 7:19 am

    So I am sad because I feel powerless and I don’t want to feel like this anymore and I want to change myself so that I can be stronger and I am getting stronger because I can say what I feel and cry and be me and not lose because I am talking not fighting and I can’t be touched because this is a computer and I am safe because I have made a safe life for me and my daughter is growing up beautiful and happy and that is good and I can feel good that we are safe and that I no longer choose men who hurt me and I am strong and being bigger and badder and mean and cruel and WINNING has served its purpose and now I can relax and let those feelings drift away and be strong and calm and I am learning



  62.  #62Renee on August 11, 2010 at 7:24 am

    Brenda — I’m glad you liked my feeling messages. I hope this gives you a chance to grow closer to Bill instead of having you feel like it was a step backwards…isn’t that our goal? To take difficult situations and figure out how to grow closer to our men with them rather than allowing them to drive a wedge between us?

    When do you get to work? I’m going to feel curious all morning, wondering how things went…

    Regarding long distance guy…I still feel rejected, though my feelings of anger have lessened somewhat. I get what you’re saying about a man backing up after a period of intense closeness, but even if that’s what he was doing, it FEELS like he used and rejected me and I didn’t do anything wrong…that weekend, I felt like I was a true siren…I felt relaxed, accepting of all his attention and felt like he genuinely liked me, so while I could have understood his not resuming intense communication right away, his backing off for a whole freakin month feels bad and lonely.

    And now, because he didn’t call me back, I’m feeling like I want to over-function and send him a funny text message to get the communication going again. What’s troubling about this is that I’m obviously just being triggered here by my sense of rejection…when I was with him, I liked him and was attracted to him physically, but I wasn’t feeling that ‘forever’ feeling with him…I knew, if things were going to continue, we would have needed to grow closer emotionally, which would be a challenge with this guy because he’s kind of closed emotionally.

    Anyway, I’m trying to understand why I feel the need to chase him despite his treatment of me…I obviously have some things I need to work through here.



  63.  #63Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 7:36 am

    Daria,

    I feel angry being talked about as “attacking you” . I don’t want to be accused of attacking people while processing my triggers. That feels bad. I feel unheard and misunderstood. Sorry that you feel bad.

    What I addressed was strictly about me. and how i feel and what i felt triggered when I am around men to whom I am attracted. I don’t like my words of talking about Me being categorized as an attack on someone else. i feel really angry and indignant and self righteous about that.

    i feel furious and powerless and slandered and that feels bad. i don’t want to be accused of attacking someone when i express that something feels bad to me. i feel really weird tense. i feel angry right now.

    i feel really triggered and tense. i feel totally pist that … . THIS FEELS UNFAIR . i do NOT want to be labeled, silenced, talked false stuff about, complained about, assumed about, unheard, dismissed, i feel really mad.

    i do NOT want my posts to be made out to be about something else than they are about. i do not want to get accused of stuff when other people feel triggered. why? i feel unloved and unsafe.

    how can i make myself feel loved and safe right now? i love me. i really like my voice even when other people did not hear me. i feel safe i am here home safe in front of the computer.

    i am emotionally safe because i will back myself up hundreds of times if need be. i love me.

    i HAVE THE RIGHT to have the feelings i feel and i have the right to express that feeling and i do not want to allow anyone to silence me.

    I felt silenced, but I was not at all silencing you. I was simply giving you a feeling message. And that doesn’t work with you, because I can say I love you and you still feel triggered. I feel like it’s impossible to get along with you, and I am really trying hard to get along with you.

    I don’t get what you’re doing, because as you’re doing it, don’t you know I am going to read what you say? And that when I am letting all my negative voices hang out, I will feel attacked when they perpetually trigger you?

    Even tho i feel unheard and talked not true about i love my sinky feeling – oh no this is trouble feeling and LOVE myself and believe myself, stand up and out for myself, believe In myself, stand behind and by myself yeah. i like how im loving myself yeah.

    Daria, I love you and accept you exactly the way you are. But I do not feel emotionally safe with you. I don’t feel free to process MY triggers. How can we work this out?



  64.  #64AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 7:44 am

    Renee,

    Thank you for your support. I feel my shoulders lowering and I can breathe. Heh.

    I am sorry you are going through this with long distance guy. I understand how you feel. It can be so hard to let go of expectation after I’ve shared myself with someone.

    I want to learn how to go from rejection to DIVA. I have learned so much from the non-attachment teachings and I know it works and I KNOW shifting my vibe works too (ridiculously well-predictably well-like flipping a switch) but how to do the processing like you are doing AND be in a good place – a Diva place.

    But does this feel like where you want to go? I hear you connecting with your ‘junk’ and I am wondering how to work through things and be a siren when he shows up. You sound so in tune with yourself. That feels good to me.

    I am wondering in my own life about choosing men who have a piece of my puzzle and when I read that he is closed emotionally I wonder if that means something more, like maybe you are working on opening yourself emotionally?

    I see everything through my filter, so please don’t take this as me picking at you. I love the work we do here and how you process helps me to find new ways to learn.



  65.  #65Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 7:44 am

    I just talked with Bill. Come to find out, I accidentally texted HIM last night when I was processing my embarrassment with a friend. He asked me if I texted him last night, and I said, “Oh, no! I feel doubly embarrassed! What did I say in the text?” He wasn’t sure who it was from. But I asked him the number and sure enough it was me, meaning to send it to my friend. At least it was nothing more than a feeling message, that I felt overstimulated and embarrassed myself at lunch.

    So I discussed it with him using Renee’s feeling messages, and he said, “oh, it was good-natured teasing. I was punchy yesterday, and it was all in fun.”

    I said, “Thank you so much, I feel much better. I just want you to know I didn’t mean any disrespect when I called you those names.”

    He laughed, “What names? I don’t even remember?”

    I said softly, “B*tch and pain in the a$$.”

    He laughed some more and said, “Oh, no, guys don’t take stuff like that to heart. I’ve been called much worse! When you work in a place like this, it really can be a tense environment, and sometimes you just want to let your hair down and blow off steam!”

    I said, “Well, we have a close working relationship, and I was just afraid that the other two might have thought I was serious.”

    He said, “I don’t think so. I wouldn’t worry about it. It wasn’t a formal meeting or luncheon, it was just a fun lunch. Don’t worry, you’re fine!”

    I said, “Thank you so much for understanding. I really appreciate you not taking my silliness too seriously. I’m just gonna slow my roll.”

    Whew! And really it was all in all a thing to bring us closer together. I feel more in harmony with him, and he knows me better, and I know him better.

    Now I just hope he gets on with asking me on a real date outside of work! Because I like him more than ever! I’m in like!



  66.  #66AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 7:47 am

    W00T!!!! GO BRENDA!!!!

    Happy dance!



  67.  #67Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Bill also said, “I hope anything I said didn’t offend YOU!”

    I said, “No, not at all. I really enjoy teasing like that, and I take it in the spirit in which it’s said. It’s like verbal ping pong between us sometimes, and there aren’t many people I can do that with. I want you to know I respect you MORE than the average person.”

    I feel sooo much better!



  68.  #68Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Thanks, Amber! Snoopy dance! LOL!



  69.  #69Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 7:54 am

    Renee,

    You said, “isn’t that our goal? To take difficult situations and figure out how to grow closer to our men with them rather than allowing them to drive a wedge between us?”

    Absolutely! And that’s what I love about feeling messages. They bring us closer. Thanks again for your support. I have a hard time thinking of feeling messages when I’m upset.

    I feel sad thinking of you growing up with an alcoholic father. How painful and hard.

    I see what you are saying about feeling used with long distance man. Like Rori says on this blog, don’t try to hide your mood…in this case, your true feelings. So maybe he just needs to know. I’m not sure. Because it’s also good to be welcoming. Maybe there’s a way you could work both in…let’s see….

    LD Man, I felt so happy when we spent time together recently. I feel confused. It would feel so good to spend time with you again, and I’m really struggling with my feelings of being used. What do you think?



  70.  #70AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 8:08 am

    And here comes another wave of… I feel bad now because Brenda does not need me to feel anything on her behalf and I don’t feel bad that that is the truth but bad that I would be so triggered without giving myself space to calm down and Brenda is not broken I am broken and she is strong and being a grown up and I feel impressed and happy and embarrassed that my hell-cat-mother came out and got all HUGE and PROTECTIVE and I still need to work on discerning when she needs to help and when it’s all just triggers and I feel grateful for my hell-cat because she helped me survive and she is with me still and I don’t want her to ever go away but I don’t want her to have to work anymore. And I feel grateful that I can just be me and I feel the beginning of trust and that feels amazing and I don’t know a name for that feeling but like the top of my head is open. WOW.



  71.  #71Renee on August 11, 2010 at 8:56 am

    Brenda — I’m so glad you were able to talk to Bill about things in a manner that made you feel closer. It sounds like you two were both amped up and being particularly silly and that sounds like a good experience for you two to have shared. Keep us posted!

    And thank you for feeling for me about my father…it’s something that I have dealt with (as far as I know…how does one know when one have every fully “dealt with” anything?), but it definitely has affected my relationships with men, and I’m sure this accounts for some of my easily triggered feelings of rejection and abandonment…I can remember waiting for hours for him to come pick me up after cheerleading practice…sometimes he just never showed up…other times, he was too drunk to be driving, but I had no choice but to ride with him if I wanted to go home that night.

    So maybe there is still some healing to be done there…I suspect there’s a part of me that still wants to “win” this challenge and “make” the person who rejected/abandoned me accept me after all…or maybe it’s just natural to not want to be rejected by someone whom society (and I) view as a ‘good catch’…I don’t know.

    I’m going to therapy these days to discuss things…so far, we haven’t made any progress but I just started, so we’ll have to just see…



  72.  #72Renee on August 11, 2010 at 9:06 am

    Amber — Even thought Brenda is a big girl and didn’t necessarily “need” you support, I’m sure she appreciated it. It hurts to feel attacked and it feels good to know there are people in your corner, no matter how strong you are.

    What I meant when I said long distance guy being “emotionally closed” was that it doesn’t seem easy for him to access his feelings…that he tends to live on the surface…enjoying good times with his friends on the boat, enjoying the company of beautiful women (I suspect) and only thinking occasionally about deeper topics. All of which probably means he’s not a good match for me in the long term, so I guess I need to just try to work through my feelings of being used and rejected…I am so tempted to reach out to him today, though, since he reached out to me yesterday…I don’t know what I’d say other than something light, like, “Busy day?”.

    On the opposite end of the spectrum is the doctor I talked to yesterday, who has been in therapy for years and seems to be really in touch with his emotions…he’s a bit of a nerd though, so I hope I don’t end up feeling that way when I meet him in person. Yet, even though he may be a bit of a nerd, I don’t want him to reject me…he asked me out for Saturday and then realized he needed to check with his kids’ mom to make sure he didn’t have their weekend schedule confused. He said he’d touch base with me today to let me know about Saturday for sure, but I don’t understand why he couldn’t have just txted me last night after he called her…

    I’m definitely having PMS and I think that’s why I’m struggling with all these negative, self-defeating thoughts and feelings…it feels good to have a place to vent them right now, even though I know my perception is skewed at the moment.



  73.  #73Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Renee,

    I don’t recommend texting, “Busy day?”. It is not a feeling message and would not serve your possible relationship. You could, if I’m not mistaken, call him again today, since he is the one who initiated calling. You didn’t connect yesterday so if you get his voicemail a second day, you could say, “I feel happy you called, and I’m sorry I missed it. I guess we’re playing phone tag now, and you’re it!”

    Maybe when you talk to him, either on the phone or if you get together again, you could let him know those deeper feelings of being happy to hear from him but at the same time feeling like you were used. Whether or not that was his intention, those are your feelings, so you have a right to express them.



  74.  #74Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 9:18 am

    Amber and Renee,

    Yes, I appreciate your support very much. Once in high school, I started to defend another student who the teacher was reprimanding. The teacher said, “Who are you, Brenda, the house den mother?”

    LOL! Ever since then, I noticed my tendency to be maternal toward anyone or any animal that is hurting in any way! 🙂 I think I would feel so fulfilled as a mother! 🙂



  75.  #75Cinnamon on August 11, 2010 at 9:31 am

    Renee- I see myself so much in your posts. When I was recently rejected I had so much anxiety I have triggered a peptic ulcer. Over a man! Ugh! I never thought he was forever man and apart from the first month never made me feel special or cared for.

    Yet the minute he rejected me I started to feel desperate to win him back. As if by doing so it validates my worth. I guess underneath it all I just feel worthless without a mans validation.

    I’m so glad I have rori’s tools to help me start believing in myself without a mans validation. I also love Erika’s comments. It all helps me believe I can be stronger without building walls which I have done in the past. I dont want to be the icequeen anymore. I CAN be soft warm and open without being mush inside! xx



  76.  #76AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Renee,

    Thank you for being so open about everything you are experiencing. “…to not want to be rejected by someone whom society (and I) view as a ‘good catch” That is a revelation to me. It makes total sense that such a message would be ingrained unconsciously.

    I read somewhere that rejection is very hard on humans because in the past rejection literally equaled death. Being expelled from the pack or the tribe was tantamount to a death sentence. I can certainly feel that way now even when it’s something small.

    And I am happy to read that you started therapy. I grew up in a religious doomsday cult and I keep finding parts of myself that are so shut down I didn’t even know they existed, much less that they needed to be healed. I wish I could help in some way with your hurt. I wish I could somehow let you have a “normal” teen experience. BUT. You are so strong and unique! I keep being amazed by your ability to feel and express. And WOW. The guy that claims you is going to be one lucky guy! He will have had to do so much work on himself just to stand as your equal. It feels good to me that funny Dr House-call has been in therapy. Even if he is not the one for you, he is conscious enough to recognize that he needs to work on himself and he is showing up now. So let him walk you across your bridge and if he falls off it’s only to make way for a guy who is even further along the path.

    I’m kind of happy that he is going to call you today instead of last night. I may be projecting, but I don’t feel solid after I talk to my ex, and even my most mature men friends tend to tweak a bit when they talk to the mothers of their children. Bless him for not subjecting you to that. This feels to me like he wants to hear your voice and connect again today. That feels good. I like that he says something and (so far) does what he says.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling PMS-like. Very cool though that you are aware of skewed perception.

    I’ve GOT to get some work done. Ack! Please keep us updated.



  77.  #77Renee on August 11, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Brenda — you would be a wonderful mother!



  78.  #78Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 9:44 am

    Amber,

    What a powerful sentence:

    “So let him walk you across your bridge and if he falls off it’s only to make way for a guy who is even further along the path.”

    Excellent!

    Renee…thanks! We’ll see what happens…I’m 46 and my biological clock is ticking. I just want to be a wife first!



  79.  #79Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 9:52 am

    “i think everything i desire comes true in a second!!!”

    Love it. 🙂



  80.  #80Cinnamon on August 11, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Renee – I also know what you mean by emotionally closed. My recent ex was – great fun to be around but very difficult to get close to on an intimate level. never felt like I really knew him you know? I’ve just started therapy too as i know I’m unconciously drawn to emotionally unavailable men. Maybe it feels safe as I know I won’t ever need to be vulnerable with them?
    Sorry to hear about your experiences with your Dad. Mine left when I was four and his mistress had two kids so he decided me and my sister were surplus to requirement and I never saw him again even though he lived about 10 minutes away. We were penniless while he gave them every luxury he could which I saw as they were in my school.

    I’ve come to realise there are people with worst stories so what’s important to me is to heal my old wounds so they don’t keep affecting my future. The past is exactly that – past. Hope your therapy helps with yours. Xx



  81.  #81Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Brenda wrote “sometimes a man will withdraw while he evaluates his feelings, after it goes deep with a woman, because men tend to be scared of deep feelings and don’t always handle them well.”

    Here’s hoping it “went deep” with me and WH and he’s dealing with his scary feelings right now….



  82.  #82AmberS on August 11, 2010 at 10:03 am

    Cinnamon-

    You wrote: “I’ve come to realise there are people with worst stories so what’s important to me is to heal my old wounds so they don’t keep affecting my future. The past is exactly that – past.”

    And I feel better just reading it. I’m smiling. I’m here and I feel strong when I read your strong words.

    Very powerful and so not attached to the pain.



  83.  #83Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 10:15 am

    Amber — “Until then I’ll be breathing deeply and smiling at the thought of Brenda in siren mode today, all soft and melty and Bill can’t stop thinking about her because she’s SO incredible and multi-faceted and FUN and he just never knows what she’ll say next!”

    Love it!!!



  84.  #84Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 10:18 am

    WOW! Amber — #59! Gave me chills! Beautiful honest open expression.



  85.  #85Renee on August 11, 2010 at 10:36 am

    Cinnamon — I actually hadn’t thought about those bad memories with my dad for a long time before today…I was just trying to suss out the root of my desire to gain acceptance from a man who has made me feel rejected…I’m just guessing that I’m trying to rewrite the story of my past by doing so, but that’s a real shot in the dark. Like I said, it could just be that whenever you encounter someone who’s thought of as a real ‘catch’, it feels better to be wanted by them than to be rejected by them…

    I feel doubly rejected by long distance guy now…since we didn’t connect last night, I did go ahead and txt him and just asked him how his day was going and said I guessed we were playing phone tag now and he was it. That was a hour ago and no word back yet…yes, he could very easily be caught up in a meeting or something, but it still feel like rejection.

    Indy guy finally touched base with me today (it felt like a long time, but I guess it was really only a day and a half of silence)…he has yet to ask to see me again, though, so I don’t know what his deal is. We had a really nice time on Sunday too…can’t think of any reason he wouldn’t want to see me, really, except that he definitely has some feminine energy going for him and I’m not sure he’s the kind of guy who can ‘step up’ totally….hmmm…something to ponder, I guess.



  86.  #86Renee on August 11, 2010 at 10:39 am

    By the way, Cinnamon — I feel for you with your story of your absentee father. Mine never completely left and we have a pretty good relationship these days, but no matter what, your past has affected your present in ways both good and bad…you’re probably stronger and more independant than many other women are, but it may have, as you say, driven you to seek emotionaly unavailable men (or EUM’s) and maybe I am too. Hmmm…something else to ponder.



  87.  #87Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 10:50 am

    Cinnamon,

    That’s really sad about how your father abandoned you while living 10 minutes away. I cringe whenever I see anyone devaluing a child. Each human being is infinitely valuable. I hope you can continue to find healing here and elsewhere. I hope you can find God as your Father, who welcomes you and provides for you with open arms.

    (((Hugs)))
    Brenda



  88.  #88Renee on August 11, 2010 at 11:00 am

    I think my feeling message just scared off Indy guy…he wrote me just to check in…we both were talking about how slow things were (we both do the same sales job) and I wrote, “Yah…I’m glad we can commiserate with each other…it feels good when someone understands what you’re going through”.

    He wrote back. “Indeed! I have to run 4 now. Catch u later.” Guess he could have just not written me back at all, but that seemed kind of curt (which is interesting, since that’s his name — “Curt”).

    LD guy finally wrote back…guess there’s some manager’s meeting at his house this week…still wish I knew why he was calling…out of guilt? To see me? Because he was bored?

    It’s too slow of a work day for me to be bogged down in doubt and PMS!



  89.  #89Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 11:16 am

    Renee,

    Let me give you my objective observations…I don’t say this in an accusatory way…you know how I myself tend to be the same way…

    You seem extra-sensitive when men answer back, or if they don’t at all. His response to me sounded like, “I’m busy in the middle of my workday”, not curt. 🙂 Just relax and tell yourself positive things like, “He is busy, and he is going to get back at me after hours. He likes me.”

    I’m finding sometimes at the beginning of a relationship, men aren’t into moving mountains for us. They just want to get to know us before they make any kind of commitment.

    I try (sometimes unsuccessfully 🙂 ) to tell myself, “Wow, you are going to be so happy in your ever after! You have such a wonderful husband coming your way!” And I just imagine good times with my future husband, cooking out, swimming together, cooking together, etc. I try to just rest and know it will happen. And stay occupied with my P.O.P. so I can be my best self for him!



  90.  #90Mercedes on August 11, 2010 at 11:20 am

    I am so relaxed today. I have time. Time has become very precious to me. Last night I was able to go to yoga/pilates in the park then write a post.

    Today I had time to read this post and write this comment. Tonight is Zumba in the park.

    I’m stepping out of my box…both of these classes in the park are something new for me (not the yoga/pilates part or the zumba part, but the actual going downtown by myself to take part in a class I only heard about on the internet part) and it feels good to take a deep breath, remain confident, find a spot and join a whole bunch (as in over a hundred) of people I’ve never met before in a class that can be seen from every hotel room in the downtown area. LOL It was FUN! A LOT more fun than I actually thought it would be.

    On the phone, just before I went, J said “Just be yourself. Just go there and show them who you are. Don’t be nervous. Show them a whole new way of doing things.” I said “Ummm…thanks but this is yoga…it doesn’t really work that way. You can either do it or you can’t. I can’t but I’m going to try.” And we both laughed at how silly he was being and how silly I was feeling. 🙂

    (I was really, really nervous. I don’t usually do this kind of thing alone so it was a touch intimidating – plus, I’m not very good at yoga yet…still practicing…).

    J is out of town and I miss him but I am so comfortable with my own life for the first time in many many months so it’s okay to miss him. He’ll be home soon. 🙂

    I feel very peaceful today. That’s a wonderful feeling to have and one I’ve missed over the last several months.

    The other day I heard the words “Accept life’s flow. Avoid pointless effort. Let go of the need to control.” I’ve been saying it over and over since then. Every time I feel my tummy clenching over something (usually just some random in the way thought that has no business being in my life anyway – aka Nasty Voice) I say to myself “Accept life’s flow. Avoid pointless effort. Let go of your need to control” and I feel peace. I like that. I really do feel a need to control. Telling myself to let go of that need is working. Sure wish I would have tried it sooner. LOL

    Anyway…hope all is well with everyone. I’ve missed you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  91.  #91Renee on August 11, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Brenda — no doubt I am extra sensitive today…during PMS, I always imagine everyone’s rejecting me…it should only be this bad for about a day, but it smacks me pretty hard when it hits.

    I also had it on my mind that if Indy guy wanted to see me this wknd, he’d ask me today, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen…I need a massage!

    Thanks for your concern.



  92.  #92Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Hi Mercedes!

    That sounds awesome! Zumba and Yoga in the park! I wanna do it! I did Zumba at the Y and I loved it! I want to join in again, but I have to get back in shape gradually after a 6 month hip injury that kept me from walking much. I am swimming now to accomplish that with no pressure on my joints, etc. Zumba is a blast!! And that’s coming from someone who isn’t too crazy about exercise!



  93.  #93Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Renee,

    Wish I could give you a massage! How about some holistic PMS remedies, like chasteberry, etc? Or maybe just some pain reliever. It usually helps relieve my cramps.

    I want to be relieved of PMS for exactly 9 months! 🙂 Bill and I would make a nice, strapping baby! We’re both large-boned! LOL! Brenda, don’t be attached to the outcum…oops! I mean, “outcome”! LOL ;-P



  94.  #94dorothea on August 11, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    blah i feel infinitely irritated hearing various individuals each basically claim the monopoly on feeling “attacked.”

    fair is fair. if you can say you feel attacked to someone, you can also hear it from someone else. these are all just triggers. please process through them and don’t get too caught up writing paragraph after paragraph about why one poster is wrong. You can’t control them. Your triggers are yours anyway.

    just a request:D



  95.  #95dorothea on August 11, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    I get awful freaking PMS. I have panic attacks.

    You know what has helped me tremendously? Acupuncture, especially if you can find an acupuncturist that specializes in getting 50 year old women pregnant, lol. They are reproductive function experts. Acupuncture not only helped my PMS but it gave me a regular period after 2 years of nonmenstruating misery.



  96.  #96Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    My glasses arrived in the mail today. No note. Nothing. Haven’t heard a peep. 🙁



  97.  #97Renee on August 11, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Brenda & Dorothea — thanks for your input. I just took some butalbital, which is a barbiturate with a lot of tylenol and it should help me chill out too (my sister’s a drug rep and gives it to me free:-).

    Lucy — I am so sorry about the glasses. I know you were hoping for more with this guy and he’s really disappointed you. You are still a lovely, wonderful woman and some guy’s going to step up for you soon! I guess he just wasn’t the one:-(.



  98.  #98Mercedes on August 11, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Brenda: Thank you so much! Last night I was nervous. Tonight I am excited! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  99.  #99Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Lucy,

    🙁 Sorry to hear that.



  100.  #100Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Renee, you said, “butalbital, which is a barbiturate with a lot of tylenol and it should help me chill out too (my sister’s a drug rep and gives it to me free:-).”

    Be careful about putting stuff like that on the internet. Police will see something like that and magnify it way beyond what it really is.



  101.  #101tinque on August 11, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    Miss M – Hi hi, have missed you so. muah
    xxoo



  102.  #102Mercedes on August 11, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Tinque: I have missed you too! Oh so much!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  103.  #103Tina on August 11, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Thanks Dorothea, Im gonna try that. I still get them but no so severe, I think it has to do with my hormones yeah.



  104.  #104Simply Shannon Take II on August 11, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    MERCEDES!! Hey girl! I was thinking about you last week! Checked your blog to see if you’d posted anything lately. Yeah Mercedes! So happy to see you here. 🙂



  105.  #105missK on August 11, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Hello girls hi Rori…
    This is the first time I write on this blog… even though I’ve been reading all of your posts and all of your stories for some months now and have tried to follow Rori’s advice for more than a year today I feel devastated used and like I wasted a lot of time and it just made me type it here. I hate drama but today it’s kind of inevitable to feel it and I just wanted to share it here since I really don’t feel confortable telling any of the people close to me because they’ll just say “I told you this was going to happen”. They were right and I hate it.

    I’ve had a long distance relationship for about 2 years and 1 year together before that. That makes a total of 3. The first year everything was perfect then I moved to another country and things started to fall apart. Today I just exploded. He has someone else. Says he loves me but also loves this other woman. He told me this a year ago, foolish as I am I thought we could still work it out thought I could get him back all to myself and make him forget this other woman. SInce then we have been on and off, one month he seems like he loves me again and says he wants to marry me that he cant live with without me bla bla bla and then some other time he backs off and says he’s not sure about us anymore and that I’m not going to be happy with him because we’re too far apart that we should start dating other people etc. and everytime he grows distant I find out it’s because hes with HER. Now I just think about how am I expecting to keep this relationship standing when I’m in another country and he’s probably cheating on me kissing this other person holding her while he can only spend time with me on a stupid phone or a computer and see me only on a webcam within four walls. Today he treated me like I was nothing like he didn’t care when just a few days ago he was a completely loving and different person, then he puts on on his display a picture of him and her holding hands just to make me angry and that just did it for me. I just told him goodbye and that I wished him luck on life but that I couldn’t take this anymore. He started to ask me what was wrong with me and making a bunch of excuses but I just cut him short deleted him from everywhere I deleted all his phone numbers and threw down the garbage everything that had to do with him.
    I love him but I feel like it’s just never going to work this way… I feel horrible I used to always think he was the one and only one for me but he just doesn’t respect me anymore and changes his mind every month whether or not he wants to be with me and stick to me until we each finish what we have to do and move closer to be together.

    I’m sorry this is so long, I just feel so bad knowing I’ll have to struggle not talking to him ever again even if he does contact me, it’s going to be hard but I guess it has to be done this is destroying me and I just can’t let it contiue any day longer.

    Thanks for reading, I feel a tiny bit better now that I’ve typed some of it down… If I can’t control myself and respond the next time he tells me he loves me everything is just going to repeat itself… I’m stuck, I love him but I don’t know how I will truly be able to let go and just MOVE ON and say NEXT.

    thanks for reading
    Love and I wish the best to all of you because that’s what you deserve.. Someone who you can trust with your life or else he’s not worth it.
    Kisses!
    Me



  106.  #106Mercedes on August 11, 2010 at 2:13 pm

    SS Take II??? I LOVE IT!!! 🙂

    I’ve posted something now and HOPE to be more consistent about it going forward. I have had this peaceful experience for only a couple of days and I’m not certain how long it will last, but I’m dedicated to giving my life this wonderful feeling much more often. One thing that certainly contributes to my own individuality and self esteem is writing…so I’m going to do what I can to make writing a priority again.

    Hopefully, hopefully, it will all work out…but…I have a plan (because I’m one of those ‘in my head’ kind of people so I always need a plan) and a schedule (again…that’s me…lol) and we’ll see. I’m loving my man and circular dating myself at the same time (he’s invited of course, but it’s up to him if he wants join me on this new journey of mine – long story…lol. Maybe I’ll post about my last 6 or 8 months and their affect on me soon…) and…I’m EXCITED and at PEACE and I feel so much LOVE and WARMTH and just….GOOD!

    And Js coming home tomorrow and I’ve invited him to Tango Thursdays (I’ve never tried it before, but it’s FREE and it sounds FUN). He doesn’t have to go. You don’t need a partner. If he isn’t there, they will simply partner me up with someone else who came alone. But…I think he’ll go… 😉

    And SS Take II (which I hope you’ll explain to me…I haven’t been reading here, so I have no idea what’s going on with anyone) I’m happy to see you as well and I certainly hope all is well with you and that you are HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  107.  #107Mercedes on August 11, 2010 at 2:16 pm

    Did I say “affect”? I meant “effect”….LOL Maybe I shouldn’t be a writer…

    Heehee!

    M



  108.  #108dorothea on August 11, 2010 at 2:56 pm

    lol lucy he probably thinks you’re rejecting him since you went out of your way to avoid seeing him by suggesting he just mail them, lol.

    dont’ beat yourself up. he probably really liked you. you got off the feminine energy bandwagon for a while so it scrambles everything up a bit and it’s much harder to see clearly who likes who and all that. it’s OK.

    i wonder if the other sirens can suggest somethign to do now in contacting him, or maybe something to do for yourself, or to do absolutely nothing



  109.  #109dorothea on August 11, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    tina, acupuncture balances the hormones. so does exercise. i hope you feel better nice lady



  110.  #110Daria on August 11, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    I feel jealous that people feel Brenda feeling hurt and they’re not seeing me feel hurt.

    I feel unseen and unimportant and i feel rageful about that.

    I will always see myself. I feel so angry to not be seen i feel like destroying the whole world and red fire rushing the trees and forest entirely destruction destroyed in front of me

    i feel tight compact strong proud warrior

    i feel tight protected i feel shelled up closed up walled up i feel safe in my armor

    i feel so furious

    how dare YOU PICK SIDES !!

    how DAR?E YOU NOT SEE ME

    i feel soooo angry

    i feel angry at the dragon monster judgement fake liar cheater trick me into feleing oh nooo bad they will all turn on me the village people and burn me at the stake i will kill you all with my superpower defense

    or i say no

    i feel really mad

    it is ?NOT OK with me to marginalize MY FEELINGS

    it is not ok for “someone’s hurt” to be more seen than “My hurt”

    not anymore dammit i feel so mad

    i feel so mad at myself for making my hurt second best my whole life

    i feel good about this though this makes me feel worthy

    i feel unworthy to have my hurt not be the second best to not be the Bigger person i feel gross thrown on the bathroom floor sobbing and pulled and wet and pulled by the hair and shirt and crumpled and bumpled

    i love me



  111.  #111Daria on August 11, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    ok so, I don’t feel ok when someone puts themselves down and says hopeless feeling things

    i feel mad

    i don’t even want to be around people putting themselves down… that doesn’t feel good to me…

    pretty sure putting themselves down doesn’t feel good to them either

    THAT doesn’t feel bad? honestly? reading someone putting themselves down does NOT feel bad?

    it feels bad that i feel angry about it. i feel defensive.

    i feel like defending my anger. ok first i feel bad. i feel bad and then i feel anger

    i feel really angry!

    i don’t like it when men put themselves down. i fele EGGSHELLS!!! i feel oh no i cant trust this person. I feel AFRAID that they will also put ME down since they’re putting themselves down.

    i feel terrified and defensive and it doesn’t feel good

    i feel angry seeing someone talking less than about themselves and talking hopelessly about a situation

    this feels triggering to me BECAUSE I NOTICE AND IT KICKS OFF THE SAME KIND OF TALK INSIDE MYSELF

    and i dont WA?NT to talk to MYSELF this way

    and so i notice and i express me

    and i feel furious

    to feel unseen

    i feel hella ungot

    ha

    i feel so mad

    this is about me

    i do not want

    to talk to myself

    in ways that put me down

    or make me feel hopeless

    i know that it feels bad

    when i read a thought

    and it feels bad

    and i feel compassionate that someone is talking to Themselves that way

    and i feel angry to see it happen in front of me

    i keep wanting to apologize for my anger

    and i feel more angry

    hey no

    it doesn’t feel good to read stuff that feels bad

    i feel so mad

    i love my feelings

    i feel alone and not understood and ostracized

    i feel hopeless

    i love my feelings

    i love my alone ness

    i love my pouty ness

    i don’t wnat to be ostracized

    i don’t want to feel so angry

    i love my feelings

    i feel soooo left out

    i feel unloved

    i feel angry

    i feel furious

    im making my face

    i feel lonely

    i feel backed up in and surrounded by wolves in the dark

    i love my feelings

    i feel protected with fire

    i don’t want to fight

    i want to feel good and safe

    im feeling mega triggered

    im feeling really mad

    i do ?NOT like this feeling of feeling ganged up on

    i feel very closed off and alone and walled off and afraid and numb



  112.  #112Daria on August 11, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    when i first started writing on this blog Rori took us thru some stuff to have us express our anger. i had never said i feel angry before. i wouldn’t have dared express my anger here. it felt so scary. now it feels like it’s unraveling, so much from my past, and im growing so much more alive and LOUDER i am a force that i am i am Daria



  113.  #113Daria on August 11, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    ok… done reading… still feeling shaky, my kidneys feel achy my heart feels hot and my throat and jaw feels tight i love myself and i feel myself relaxing too and now triggered agian

    i love my feelings. this is great work trigger processinga nd loving myself while feeling alone, angry, afraid, sad. love me



  114.  #114Renee on August 11, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Feeling better since I took that medicine and took a nap…also, dr. feelgood emailed me and asked me out for this weekend…don’t know why he couldn’t have called, but oh, well…he’s driving to my city to take me out and I think we’ll have a good time…he’s very easy to talk to:).



  115.  #115Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    Dorothea, it feels really good and hopeful to read what you wrote. Thank you. I texted him that the glasses arrived and thanked him for taking care of it for me, and my guy friend Tattoo Man told me I should add that I would love to see him again and that it felt great being with him — so I did. Yes, leaning forward, but Tattoo Man said, “no — communicating.”

    I have no idea what will happen now.

    I am liking Daria’s thought: “i think everything i desire comes true in a second!!!”

    Wouldn’t it be loverly???



  116.  #116Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Daria — I am on everybody’s side. I love you and admire you and see you and hear you and value you and your words and your thoughts and your feelings. <3 Lucy



  117.  #117Mai on August 11, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    I’m scared of opening up and showing my true self to people. Any advice guys ?



  118.  #118Renee on August 11, 2010 at 4:16 pm

    Lucy — Can’t wait to hear what happens with WH — please keep us posted!



  119.  #119Renee on August 11, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Mai — when you’re not being authentic, people can sense it…if you’re not showing people your true self, it must mean you think your real self isn’t good enough. Why is that? Why do you think the real you — the unique and wonderful person that God made — isn’t good enough for the world when it’s full of imperfect people?



  120.  #120Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:18 pm

    Thank you Lucy.

    Brenda I love you and I care about you. I don’t want to be attacked,and I don’t really have a problem with you. I don’t like being asked to change. I don’t want to talk to you right now and I feel cool and open to talk in feeling messages and don’t wants…. if you really want to talk to me.

    i do not want to be in a man woman relationship with you… i feel smothered and weird and invaded.

    i’m really not feeling safe

    maybe i should call the cops



  121.  #121Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    look voices and everybody

    im cool

    Brenda im cool with you

    i dont want to fighty

    i dont want to be taken personally

    i dont want to take someone else personally

    i just want to work on my own triggers

    aimlessly

    totally selfishly

    loving myself

    in the face of all opposition



  122.  #122Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    I am lonely. I want to BE having sex with a man.

    I want it to feel GREAT.

    I want to feel yum.

    i feel excited to talk about sex



  123.  #123Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:34 pm

    lets talk about sex baby’
    lets talk about you and me
    lets talk about all the good things and all the bad things

    sex may be

    lets talk about sex



  124.  #124Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    it would feel so good to have sex with a sexy man wiht dreads hahaha. omg i feel so blushing right now. i feel like bending over and running away laughing . omg. i do that. i feel embarassed. i feel red. i feel lik e dont look. i feel shy.

    omg. i feel overcome with red chheks.



  125.  #125Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    mmm all my lovers are hella sexy

    i havea harem

    but i feel all anxious and sad and lonely and i dont have a good love r today!

    the new ones are very untrained and rough

    like stallion horses

    ufff

    i want goooood loving

    i feel sad and whiny and pouty and sad and whiny and pouty

    like a baby girl

    i love me baby girl

    i love me as a baby girl

    yes I DO THATS RIGHT you hEARd Me



  126.  #126Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Dancing around the kitchen to a Pam Tillis CD . . . feels a little good, a little



  127.  #127Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    i love saying thank you for the compliment

    i love steadying myself on a man’s arm

    i love being given money! (new!)

    i love being called sexy

    this is what makes my pie

    i like calling men papi

    i like being called ma

    i love it when their minds work logics out fast yummm i want yu

    in between my thighs

    and i want you to give me everything

    your heart and your pride and your yum yum

    all that yum yum

    — now i feel afriad — this is when i usually offer — my yum yum… my everything —

    i feel afraid

    i want it all

    baby from my head to my toes

    i want it alll

    magic magic magic

    i feel horny

    i feel so cringy and exposed saying that word

    DONT TELL PEOPLE YOUR HORN?Y

    that is not something you tell

    that is a secret

    i feel scared

    that word soungs like

    icky

    like toads and beavers

    ok

    are toads and beavers sexy

    sexy toad

    sexy beaver

    omg

    i feel so shy
    i feel so shy about sex

    i feel tighetened up around my throat

    ohhhhh

    this feels weird



  128.  #128Jacqueline on August 11, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    Daria, you rock and you type a LOT!!!! and good for you for noticing you have feelings and letting them out., But I am laughing at some of this….and Brenda you really don’t have to respond to every.single.post.on here….so now I can be the bad guy and you can all get along again???? Thing is this is supposed to be growth city and yet everyday it’s kind of a repeat soap – and that Renee, is why I’m not so into everyone’s every story. I certainly respect everyone, and their stories, but I’m not here for sympathetic propping up. Hell I’m not even here to find a man, I’ve got one, I just want to have the relationship I want. Whether or not he gets to, too, dang it.

    This is all spoofing, but girls, ya know – lighten up. Everyone on here seems to have some bias around some issues…emotions are raging, and it’s all great….but who is out LIVING, lalaaaaa….like Rori suggests?

    Gonna back carefully out of the room now…..

    ouch, that tomatoe hurt!

    J



  129.  #129Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    Belly dancing to “Shake the Sugar Tree”…..



  130.  #130Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Ballet with “Let that Pony Run”…..



  131.  #131Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:58 pm

    LOL – Jacqueline you are so funny! I love your voice!

    OK one thing tho that we practice on blog – according to Rori is to speak from our feelings and the feminine and especially as much as possible NO Judgement – ok that one is hard and i practice and it slips by me and i feel like i’m getting better because it helps us – since when we judge other people ANYWHERE in life we judge ourselves too — on the inside and that feels bad .

    thank you so much for your comment and i encourage you to try to reword everyjudgement (nonjudgementally of course) and look for the feelings you are having behind that. that is what im trying to do and discovering crazy stuff from my childhood that is triggered when im upset now, and really all i have to do is talk to that part of me now and turn it into a good thing – and my mood lifts and im loving me

    anyway – i feel tired of typing! wow i feel kina bad and afraid i won’t be heard – i am having lots of fun on this ” trigger judgement feeling belief self talk self love ” journey



  132.  #132Daria on August 11, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    cause it plays out in my everday with naturally feeling better and doing more stuff for me that feels good, and being in good moods because im reassuring myself YAHOOO

    and yes i type a lot

    i am a writer typer hahaaha

    i am having fun!

    this writing stuff rocks right now



  133.  #133Lucy on August 11, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Jacqueline — everyone’s “issues” show up here differently — yours too 🙂 — I’ve been here for awhile, and even though it may look like people are going in circles, I see them (myself included) going in spirals — baby-stepping their way to health and wholeness and the relationship they want (both with themselves and with a man) — three steps forward, one step back …. <3



  134.  #134Daria on August 11, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Lucy –

    Douggie with Teach me how to Douggie .

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OnPJmDc0b_M



  135.  #135Jacqueline on August 11, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    I am non judgementally feeling intensely amused at ALL of us…maybe it’s just a light bright day for me. What is so amusing? the fact that ALL my friends always told me YOU are NOT your emotions…omgosh! I thought I was emotional, so being here for me is seeing how NONE of us are our emotions, and maybe speaking in feeling messages is a great tool, and certainly learning to feel our feelings is a can’t do without tool….but it’s like the BOARD has pms today, and it’s making me laugh.

    Daria,

    I feel judged. I feel like I don’t care if I’m judged.

    I feel nonjudgmental about any of it, I feel happy someone else is around to mow the grass, I feel like I can LIGHTEN up today…..

    and I think you all should catch my buzz! btw, I cannot believe you post about smoking! you are a brave, brave girl – oops! judgement….I non judgementally admire you like that.

    I love myself, I love that we all have our voice, I love that the voices change from minute to minute, I hurt that some of us are genuinely hurting too, or in that place, like Anikita and the girl with no self estem….makes me wanna cry and hold them and prop them up. But now I’m judging myself for making my buzz go

    doooooooowwwwwwnnnnnn….

    so, yeah, I’ve been there done that Anikita, and pretty much everyone else – although I don’t have a lot of negative inner voices, thank you God/desss – and hey, if it’s my day/time to SHINE, I’m just gonna be shiney today for no reason at all.

    Spiral dances, labrythine circles
    can’t rhyme with anything but…..

    purples!

    Jacqueline



  136.  #136Renee on August 11, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Jaqueline — no one forced you to read my posts. If you don’t like them — that’s your problem. I was having a bad day and decided to vent in a “safe” place…I could just go on screaming about my feelings throughout the whole page, but I opted to write coherent snippets instead.

    Why don’t you perhaps stop passing judgement and get on with living you lalaaa life?



  137.  #137Jacqueline on August 11, 2010 at 5:41 pm

    Renee – sorry, I didn’t read em, I was just seeing snippets of all the emotion all over the board. AND I was wondering what would happen if I spoke my authentic reaction. Like I said, ouch, tomatoes! The post I was metioning when I mentioned your name was like two days ago, so if my mood TRIGGERS stuff, well, it’s just me with my lalaaa life TODAY.

    I will however bow off the board for now, but I will not be forced off it by anyone, it’s a SAFE SPACE, yep?

    For me that was somehow giddy happy today, and certainly cajoling……

    Off to gaze upon my backyard – oh, another song….

    Looking out my backdoor
    look at all the happy creatures dancing on the lawn…

    so anyone who wants to dance on the lawn can join the party.

    xx



  138.  #138Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Daria, RE: #119 – You said, “Brenda I love you and I care about you. I don’t want to be attacked,and I don’t really have a problem with you. I don’t like being asked to change. I don’t want to talk to you right now and I feel cool and open to talk in feeling messages and don’t wants…. if you really want to talk to me. i do not want to be in a man woman relationship with you… i feel smothered and weird and invaded. i’m really not feeling safe. maybe i should call the cops”

    Hi Daria. That’s a bit of a mixed message, and I know you said a lot of other things, too. I don’t necessarily feel like anything has been resolved. I laughed when you ended it with maybe I should call the cops! LOL! I sure hope you were joking about that! Like huh?

    Well I did my best to give you feeling messages, and the #1 feeling message I want you to know is that I love you and care about you, too. Thank you.

    I don’t feel welcome to give any feedback on your posts. Is it that you don’t want anyone to comment on your posts? If not, I don’t understand why you post them in a blog?

    I am not trying to irritate you. You commented on my posts. I want to get along with you, and I believe strongly that every healthy relationship has disagreements.

    I feel confused that you said you don’t want a man-woman relationship with me. Neither do I! What gave you the idea that I do??

    I want to be like sisters. I feel blasted tho.

    But I love you and accept you exactly the way you are. How do you feel about what I said?



  139.  #139Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    mm… this feels a lil scary…

    jaqueline – sorry you feel judged. i feel triggered. when i read that you feel amused… sometimes i feel amused as my defense, when im feeling distant protective of myself judgemental, in my head, and i feel afraid to open my heart – i feel “shakes my head” amused – and really i Don’t feel that way! underneath – thats me tho, but my guess is that thats whats going on with you – sorry if this triggers you ahead of time – what do you think?

    its all about going deep

    renee – that feels bad to read. it feels like an attack, i don’t want to see people being attacked.

    Rori has asked us to follow the blog rules of speaking in feeling messages and don’t wants, and staying in feminine voice even when triggered to anger

    no judgements – NO BOY VOICE . at all.

    only rori can use boy voice.

    i just used boy voice there. i dont want to have there be misclarity about the blog rules. and i dont want to force anyone to do anything, even follow blog rules.

    i feel better knowing that ok, they are said – and everyone can choose to follow them as much as they want to

    or can

    this helps us too sticking with the 4 rules in respecting a man.

    i feel like a teacher’s pet trigger

    i am judging msyelf

    i love myself and know that i am cool even if everyone frowns at me and judges me and misinterprets me

    uff

    ui feel exasperated

    i love myself

    i love myself exasperated



  140.  #140Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:04 pm

    Brenda – I post here to feel my triggers and practice tools.

    This is like my floating journal – and has voices of other Goddesses too! wow

    so yes i don’t know that i want to hear comments on my posts, maybe it might feel good, i don’t know i feel open to comments

    i feel open to reading what’s on the blog and sharing what i feel, especially when it’s something to practice feeling BIGGER which is all the time.

    im not interested in resolving anything and feel triggered reading that. i don’t want to resolve – rori has a post on not solving problems – i’m just being.

    i feel cool

    i feel good

    i feel a lil weird



  141.  #141Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    I think my man – woman relationship comment came from a trigger from this other girl i know in real life.



  142.  #142Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    this triggered me to remind me of that.

    i felt weird like emotionally invaded a lil bit. i dont like feeling that way



  143.  #143Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    I feel mistrustful. and i feel open. and i feel a lil closed off



  144.  #144Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    I don’t like being asked “WHY” i do certain things… that question feels like an attack. i don’t believe that the person is really asking that – its like an innocent question “why’d u do that” like Rori has in her book.

    really its saying… oh… don’t do this, uff it feels disturbing like rori says

    i feel mistrustful and i feel curious and down and open



  145.  #145Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    One day a woman’s husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn’t “anymore”.

    No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more “just one minute.” Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say”I love you.”

    So while we have it, it’s best we love it, care for it, fix it when it’s broken and heal it when it’s sick.

    This is true for marriage…..

    And old cars…

    And children with bad habits and report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents.

    We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

    Some things we keep — like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce.

    There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

    Life is important, like people we know who are special.

    And so, we keep them close!

    I received this from someone who thought I was a ‘keeper’!

    Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way….

    Now it’s your turn to send this to all those people who are “keepers” in your life, including the person who sent it, if you feel that way.

    Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

    I was thinking…I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

    And just in case I’m gone tomorrow……..

    I LOVE YA!!!

    Live today because tomorrow is not promised.

    (((Hugs to all the Sirens!!! 😛 )))
    Love,
    Brenda



  146.  #146Rori Raye on August 11, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Knocksoftly – Welcome, and thank you for your amazing, heartfelt comment. I hope you’re soon able to get my Toxic Men program – it will start you healing…Love, Rori



  147.  #147Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    Daria, RE: #139 – Rori’s feeling messages and I want messages are ALL ABOUT resolving conflicts!! We are mistreated, and we express how we feel and what we want. Have you ever listened to Toxic Men, just for starters? Resolving conflicts is a central theme for RR! What do you think?



  148.  #148Rori Raye on August 11, 2010 at 6:18 pm

    missK – Welcome – and here’s my advice – you can do this!! You can get unstuck and out of this. Just go with what’s real – he’s not here. You don’t have to analyze it or anything. I’t sokay to miss him, to feel sad – and at the same time – put one foot after the other and get out there and Circular Date – no matter HOW you feel. sooner or later – you’ll get bored with pining after him, and another – much better man will show up. Just focus on YOU and on shifting your OWN vibe – get the ebook if you can, and do all the Tools there and here… and we’ll help you. Love, Rori



  149.  #149Jacqueline on August 11, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Daria, thanks! About amusement….Not feeling triggered, actually had some good things happen and am happy. Not amused AT anyone’s expense, but BY some of the stuff going on; but good to know some blog rules, and thank you for it. What’s really funny is no one has to do anything I say anyway, it doesn’t mean anything has to change….but it does mean I like feeling BETTER vs. feeling worse, and that’s why I’m here. Doesn’t mean anything in the sense of there’s nothing to do with it, but I do want to be authentically expressive of MY own thoughts here. ‘kay….

    ttyall later!



  150.  #150Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 6:24 pm

    Daria,

    I feel confused about why I don’t feel welcome to give any feedback on your posts. I don’t want to walk on eggshells and not comment on your posts while I comment on everyone elses. What do you think?

    I don’t want to irritate you. You commented on my posts. I don’t like double standards. If you comment on my posts, I want to comment on your posts. I want to get along with you, and I believe strongly that every healthy relationship has disagreements.

    I feel confused about your purpose for stating that you said you don’t want a man-woman relationship with me. What do you think?

    P.S. I love you and accept you exactly the way you are!

    (((Hugs)))
    Brenda



  151.  #151Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Daria,

    BTW, every one of us speaks boy talk on this blog every day of the week, and that’s a fact!

    I love you and accept you exactly the way you are, even when you speak boy talk!

    Love,
    Brenda



  152.  #152Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:48 pm

    Brenda – i feel exasperated talking about this, and I feel on eggshells. I don’t want to keep talking about this. i don’t have a problem with anoyone commenting on my posts. i feel frustrated that i wasn’t clearly understood.

    i don’t want to talk about this anymore. i feel annoyed and bored. i don’t want to be chased around the blog.



  153.  #153Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Brenda – at one point we were actively practicing speaking in our girl voice. i do so all the time. speaking in boy voice is a slip.

    i feel good to know that everyone is committed to speaking in girl voice and practicing rori’s tools on here



  154.  #154Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Daria,

    Maybe we are triggering each other because maybe we are mirrors to each other! 🙂 Do you like teddy bears?

    I am not chasing you all around the blog, silly! It is called open, honest, two-way communication. And I embrace both my boy energy and my girl energy. I love you, boy energy!

    I love you and accept you, too, exactly the way you are! Even if you don’t like bears!

    Brenda



  155.  #155Daria on August 11, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    Jaqueline – i feel triggered by the “it’s funny ” thing because i remember i used to say this and realized that it wasn’t true

    for example this part “What’s really funny is no one has to do anything I say anyway, it doesn’t mean anything has to change”

    ok so for example here i feel triggered reading like this like uhoh this doesn’t feel trustworthy to me –

    because its NOT funny really, not haha funny, it’s an expression people use all the time but it’s not really true cuz ther’s not much funny about that, yea it’s ironic, but how does it feel

    to me it feels kinda infuriating, and kinda blank – thinking about people not really having to do what i say, and yet feeling attacked

    what is the real in the body feeling? i feel all concentrated and hunkered down and pulled into the computer and a lil tightened up



  156.  #156Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    And I reallllllly love Bill’s boy energy! He is so handsome, fun, funny, kind, gentle, tactful, sweet, and playful! I want to be the mother of his children!

    And I like teddy bears!



  157.  #157Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 6:58 pm

    My in-the-body feeling is arousal! I want Bill inside me! I want to squeeze his Lingam with my Yoni! I want to feel his big bear paws on my titties! I want to hug him! I want to wrap myself around him! I want him to wrap himself around me! I want to lay by his side and touch him gently on the arm and kiss his cheek as he falls asleep. I want to tease him unmercifully until he wrestles me down to the ground and claims victory by shoving his finger deep inside my love canal!



  158.  #158Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Daria, didn’t your mother ever tell you people laff when they are happy? 🙂

    I like to laff at us too, like laffing with us, not at us. We are such a glorious bunch of lava-flowing estrogen creatures! I love us! We are the Modern Sirens, and this is our nonstop pajama party on Siren Island!

    I’m going swimming now! ***giggles*** I’m happy!



  159.  #159Daria on August 11, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Brenda – this version of “open honest two-way communication” feels very one sided to me. it doesn’t feel good. i don’t feel heard.



  160.  #160Daria on August 11, 2010 at 7:04 pm

    Daria, didn’t your mother ever tell you people laff when they are happy?

    – i feel really furious being talked to this way – i don’t like people talking about my mom. even in a jokey way –

    i do NO?T? want to be talked to this way.



  161.  #161Daria on August 11, 2010 at 7:24 pm

    My in the body feeling is also – arousal – sort of more like CRAVING and feeling anxious. i feel grumpy, – make frown face – i don’t like feeling like i WANT sex and i don’t have a secure plan for having it

    i feel frustrated and frowny faced i feel worried.



  162.  #162Jacqueline on August 11, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Daria – no it feels funny laughing funny. I don’t feel attacked by anything on here and I don’t care if they do or not do anything I say. No emotional investment for me on that; I have plenty of “power” at my job, etc. ie., in the real world for people to have to do something when I input, I don’t want to have that be so on here. I am here to be inspired and to learn things, and that’s all. Not for emotional validation, etc. although this is a great place for that.

    And your going from not wanting to be talked to to feeling like you want sex doesn’t make sense to me….but I don’t care. You don’t have to make sense here.

    and you make your feelings very clear all the time, but there are so many feelings that it is hard to get a read on which feelings are the important ones to you.

    Anyway, I was having fun….and now I’m not….so I’ll just say g’nite, all!



  163.  #163Jacqueline on August 11, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    ps. Brenda if you wanna dance on my lawn in pajamas, I challenge you to a pillow fight!!! but only if feathers fall down from the sky all on us! Love the flight of Fancy!



  164.  #164Daria on August 11, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    Jaqueline – thanks for writing back. sorry you’re not having fun…

    i feel a lil triggered …

    i allow myself to feel vulnerable and BE affected by the blog , movies, songs, so that i can allow myself to feel open to everything in the world

    i don’t want to be misunderstood about that

    sorry you felt bad siren

    feelings as rori says are messy. so yes i did feel angry, then i felt like having sex, and all that good stuff…

    anyway i feel kind of angry now and i feel removed as well… i feel judged… i feel tightened

    i feel tired today!

    i feel eggshelly

    meeting a cd in a few minutes



  165.  #165Daria on August 11, 2010 at 7:49 pm

    Dear Daria – a part of my being already knows how to soothe this part of me that feels anxious and craving. and that part of my being is willing to inform the rest of me now

    it is now doing so with grace and ease

    my mind body and spirit are receiving the information

    information transfer is now complete



  166.  #166Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Daria,

    I have said “Didn’t your mother ever tell you people laugh when they’r happy?” for about 15 years. You’re the only one who EVER took offense to it. Is it me or is it you?



  167.  #167Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Daria, this version of “open honest two-way communication” feels very one sided to me. it doesn’t feel good. i don’t feel heard.

    What I hear you saying is you are free to be triggered by anyone on here and say anything about their post but you don’t want anyone to say anything about your posts. I don’t like double standards, and I am not willing to be controlled or intimidated by you.



  168.  #168Brenda on August 11, 2010 at 9:24 pm

    Daria,

    Don’t take yourself so seriously.

    I love you and accept you exactly the way you are.

    Brenda



  169.  #169Tina on August 11, 2010 at 10:18 pm

    Im giving myself a pedicure 🙂 and reading the blog 🙂 toenail time!



  170.  #170Jennifer on August 12, 2010 at 5:05 am

    OHHHHH I feel triggered by my mother….
    I love me, I love my mother…but I wanna smack her!
    I JUST took my passport in to the passport office for processing.
    I had to take time off of work to do it.
    I’ve been trying to go for three days. Tuesday I woke up with a migraine. No go.
    My Aunt is up from the states. So I told my mother I had it dropped of and they said by the 25th..I could have had it by the 19th but I would have had to take another day off to go get it.
    My Aunt says “will it be ready in time” My mother says “WELL I hope so …Jennifer just didn’t do it before now”
    Jennifer says “That’s because Jennifer has been runnign around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to get enough work to pay the FCKIN bills. Like first and last and my car and what not”
    I feel resentful of my mother.
    She has someone in the house to clean / look after nanny 7 days a week. It’s easy to have time to do all the extra stuff when you have some one covering for you like that. It’s easy when you don’t have to work enough to pay for your own life…..geeze. Some of us HAVE to go to work, cause the bank of husband don’t exist in my world honey.
    I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooo annoyed.
    I feel like smacking her up the back of her head.
    Friggin mothers.



  171.  #171Simply Shannon Take II on August 12, 2010 at 5:26 am

    Jennifer: I do the same thing with my mother. The thing I’m noticing now is that often times it is ME assigning the negative thought to her words. So when my mother says “Shannon didn’t do it yet”, I read that as “Shannon didn’t do it yet… because she is lazy and irresponsible”. And the thing is that a part of me believes that’s the reason it hasn’t been done yet. Otherwise, I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Like if she said “Shannon is from Asia.” Umm… no, Shannon is from USA. Have you lost your cracker mom?

    I am be no means this intuitive when I’m in the midst of it. My natural inclination is to shut down and get pissed off, but even that is an improvement over internalizing what she said (and what I heard) as truth.

    <3



  172.  #172Brenda on August 12, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    I like Rori’s floating tool where you imagine you are floating up, up, up into a blue sky! And then a flower appears and you hold onto it, and as long as you are holding the flower, you will not lose your way. It feels good to go high and free and be wherever I want to be! I love blue sky, and it’s my favorite color.



  173.  #173Jennifer on August 13, 2010 at 4:13 am

    I feel more powerful about my upcoming vacation.
    It’s the first REAL vacation I’ve had in 7 or more years.
    YEAH for me.
    We are going Stateside…to visit my Aunt and Cousins…..
    My sister and I have wanted to go to Salem, Mass for a LONG time…like since we were teenagers and used to go down to visit every other year or so.
    We were talking about it with mom who, naturally got a little freaky about it.
    She told us it was like a 5 hour drive from Aunty L’s and we’d have to drive through Boston to get there so we shouldn’t go…mom HATES big city traffic. Freaks her out.
    I was sitting on line yesterday surfing around and randomly map quested directions from Auny L’s to Salem….it’s only a FRIGGIN hour’s drive AROUND Boston.
    GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
    MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMM
    WHY haven’t we gone all these years!??!!?!??!?!!?
    So I emailed my sister the map and said that it’s only and hour and let’s go cause mom is not the boss of us. I’ll drive, we’ll take the GPS and Voila!!! We road trip!!!
    THEN I spoke to Aunty L who said SHE’s only been there once in the like 35 years she’s lived stateside and would LOVE to go too!!!
    TEEHEE!!!!
    I was pretty excited to go before but MAN OH MAN am I STOKED now!!!!
    They have a masted sailing ship!!! We can tour that and like four different museums and lots of shops and what not!!
    Gawd….what has two thumbs and is a total history geek? THIS CHICK!!!!
    ROFLMAO!!!!!



  174.  #174Jennifer on August 13, 2010 at 4:47 am

    OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    They have a pirate ship that YOU CAN SAIL ON!!!!!!!!!!
    SHRIEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I’m a total geek!



  175.  #175Denise on August 13, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Brenda, you are so brave to express yourself here in the way you do! I just wanted to put a couple things othere there in regard to your posts on this thread.

    One of the things I liked about Erika’s posts in the other thread was her message of not focusing on the nitty gritty of everything. Try to get yourself to a big picture status. Rori’s suggestions of going outside of your comfort zone (yoga too is great for this) and her tools are excellent to bring things to a higher level.

    In regard to Bill, what was learned about his response was HUGE. It sounds like you expended so much energy on how he perceived what you said and if he was offended, and he wasn’t phazed at all. He’s so right, men don’t tend to get into the weeds in regard to what people say–men say the worst things to each other, then pat each other on the back and move on. As opposed to women who stew about everything! 🙂

    As women, I think we can take solace in the fact that men don’t focus on stuff like this or on our body imperfections. Once I really understood this, I was able to myself more authentically. Men love women who are authentic, vs. alway walking on eggshells or worrying about what they say, do, or look like. After all, they are not perfect. If a woman is that critical of herself, she’s going to be critical of him.

    Another thing is one can’t go through life worrying about being themselves and how others react or like/dislike it. This is one of the benefits of getting older I think, in my mind, people accept me for who I am or they don’t. I do my best to be kind and respectful–sometimes I might say the wrong thing or say it in a wrong way. If the situation is ‘right’ though, with a friend or with a man, it won’t matter. The SUM of the relationship (big picture) is much more important than the parts.

    Finally, if something is meant to be romantically, things flow naturally. There are not a lot of explanations and games and complexities. If I’m interacting with a man, and I don’t feel good about the way he treats me (which does NOT mean he’s treating me badly, just in a way that doesn’t make me feel good), or I don’t agree with his BELIEFS and VALUES, I know he’s not a match for me. I’m not going to try to change the behavior or his beliefs and values, those are his and I cannot control another person. And I’m not going to expend energy on him when I know he’s not going to be a good partner for me, that keeps me from meeting someone that may be the right man.



  176.  #176Brenda on August 13, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Thanks, Denise! I appreciate what you said, and thank you for taking the time and energy to write me!

    I am not too concerned about my differences with Bill at this stage. It’s not central stuff. I don’t expect to find a total blueprint of myself. So far we match on the most important qualities I am looking for in a man! I feel really excited about how compatible we are, in fact!



  177.  #177Denise on August 13, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Hey Brenda, was reading post #5. You indicated you didn’t like what he was saying.

    Only you know what your situation is with “Bill” and Bill is lucky to have your attention, Ms. Diva!!! Don’t ever forget that. 🙂

    I think that women to often accept things that don’t feel good in their gut because they like other aspects, like the romantic attention or feelings they are having with the other person. You know, ignoring red flags. I am NO WAY saying that’s what’s you’re doing here or anywhere else, I don’t know enough to say that…I think this is common and know I did it, when I married my husband I ignored, explained away or didn’t act appropriately on my gut instinct. He was/is a good guy, just not the right guy for me.

    Great comment on not finding a blueprint of yourself…you definitely don’t want that, that would be boring! That’s more personality stuff. What I am referring to is higher level brain stuff – the way people view their work and what they value.



  178.  #178Apple Jacks on August 13, 2010 at 11:58 am

    Denise,

    I loved your post to Brenda above and wanted to say I agree wholeheartedly. I also loved that aspect of Erika’s posts. I found that when I didn’t overthink things and looked at the big picture and loved myself the results were miraculolus. I had a whole post typed out but the stupid server went down and I lost all of it and now I’m too tired to recall that. Anyway, just wanted to share that.



  179.  #179Denise on August 13, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    woops, meant to say, ‘how they view their WORLD’, not work 🙂

    Thanks Apple Jacks! You’re right on and went through the same transformation you did. I found the more I can learn to focus on myself, that it’s me that needs to be happy and tp have good BOUNDARIES to walk away when it’s not good (even though we might be alone), and do this EARLY, the less time I will have to get emotionally involved.

    This makes me feel EMPOWERED.



  180.  #180Lucy with a Q for Rori on August 16, 2010 at 12:05 am

    Rori, I have a question about helping a man feel emotionally safe and excited at the same time, which you’ve mentioned a lot. I realize the main way we do this is by using feeling messages for our own feelings. But what is the best way to respond to a man when he opens up a little with his own feelings — particularly if it is via text so we can’t just listen at level two. Here’s my true example:

    Him: Been busy weeknd with all 3 of my babies under my roof feeling like this will not happen all that much from now on. 🙁

    (Note: His two sons will be leaving for college very soon, leaving one teenage girl at home.)

    So, he’s sharing a sad feeling about heading toward the empty nest . . . and what’s the best way for me to respond???

    DO I respond, even though he didn’t ask a question????

    I ended up writing: 🙁 When do your baby boys leave for college?

    And he hasn’t responded. Did I choose the wrong thing to say? What would have been a better response?

    We have only had one date — a very long, full one — last weekend — with lots of fun activities AND lots of quiet talking — this is WH, whom I like very much.

    Thank you!



  181.  #181RVB on August 17, 2010 at 9:16 am

    I agree with Rori about feelings. If you are in a bad mood tell your love ones, ” I am in a bad mood because…” and follow up with a positive. Letting the ones around you in on your moods will create a positive atmosphere out of a possible negative situation.

    RVB
    mrandlove.blogspot.com



  182.  #182Megan on August 17, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Am i the only one who HATES being called sensitive?
    I don’t even know why it bothers me so much, I guess it feels invalidating to my feelings.

    anyways, I have been practicing being open and honest about my feelings (albeit mostly negative a lot of the time lately) with my guy roommate and the other day we had a big fight and I felt really angry and cried afterwards all b/c he said I wear my emotions on my sleeve – this is what we’re going for right??- and basically that i was too emotional and didn’t handle my feelings the right way.

    I should mention that this guy is 20 – but I know other 20 yr old guys who seem to be able to handle emotions.

    I dont want to be a drama queen which is why I was practicing in the first place so what’s the deal?
    is it just that this guy is out of touch with his feelings?
    it wasn’t like he was even talking about interactions b/n him and I but mainly interactions i had with others! which hurt even worse!
    it really made me feel like a monster, and i hate that it makes me doubt myself.
    am i missing something?



  183.  #183tinque on August 18, 2010 at 6:38 am

    Megan – Being sensitive can mean two things though really they are one and the same. It can mean you are easily hurt, feel slighted when maybe it wasn’t intended.
    It can also mean you are deeply attuned to your feelings as well the feelings of others.
    Sensitives can be overwhelmed more easily to outside stimulus, such as too much noise.
    This is really not a bad thing. It takes adjusting yourself differently in certain situations so as to not feel bombarded.
    Believe me when I say it’s far better to be a sensitive, caring, loving, open being than being an insensitive, closed boor.
    As for this man. Megan he’s only twenty. Most twenty year olds, I’m sorry, have no clue. He has a lot of growing to do but only if he seeks it.
    Please never stifle your tears. They are beautiful, cleansing, and pure.
    xxoo



  184.  #184Simply Shannon on August 18, 2010 at 6:54 am

    Megan, For me if a guy says I’m being sensitive, it generally means a) I’ve been blaming him for my feelings and/or b) he isn’t sure how or isn’t capable of caring for my feelings, so he dismisses whatever I said by saying I’m sensitive. (Kind of like when we say “fine” or “whatever” during an argument.)

    So next time, I might say something like “I feel dismissed. *pause* I do feel sensitive. What do you think?”

    All in a non-blaming tone. It is what I feel.

    Might also help to first say “I’m feeling overwhelmed right this second, can we take a break for a minute?” Then go to the bathroom and breath for a little bit. Sometimes when I get so triggered, it feels better to back off until I feel more in control.

    Any of that resonate?



  185.  #185Renee on August 18, 2010 at 8:55 am

    Tinque — What an insightful comment on being “sensitive”…I have always been a sensitive person, which as you mention, has both positive and negative connotations. On the one hand, my intuition about how others in my presence are feeling is usually on target, but I do sometimes imagine slights that either aren’t there or weren’t intended. I’m working on my self-talk for situations in which I imagine I’ve been slighted, but it feels relieving to hear (from someone whose opinion I respect) that this is simply part of my makeup and while I can certainly improve the less-than-desirable aspects of my personality, it’s also “ok” to accept that I am wired this way.



  186.  #186Megan on August 18, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Tinque and Simply Shannon,
    thank you. I am only 24 myself but have always been “ahead of my time” so it takes a lot of reminding, esp when it comes to guys, that they are simply not there yet.
    it’s odd though, he was raised/grew up living with his mom and his sister so you’d think he’d be a little more in tune with feelings.

    I do find myself feeling overwhelmed at times and would have never correlated this with being sensitive. that is interesting. however I do take on/juggle a lot at once.

    I like the comment about saying “i feel overwhelmed” and then walking away.
    I walked away once before and went into my room to journal which he brought up during the argument about how I have to go into recluse(sp) – again, stating that I can’t handle my emotions.

    I walked outside during this argument and sat down and eventually started to cry. but i wanted to cry. I was SO ANGRY. it’s like he knows how to push all my buttons and does it at once.
    it felt really good though when he came out and we talked for a long time. He mentioned several times how glad he was that we had had that talk, that we got the chance to “be real”.

    Renee, I still don’t know if I’d label myself “sensitive” but I agree with you on all of that. I have been told by counselors that I have a clarity and am really attuned to others.I don’t like having problems with people and it is really hard sometimes when you are attuned to others that you feel like you can see what others can’t and (what others) therefore dismiss as “being in your head”.
    It’s like a gift and a curse at the same time.
    thank you ladies.
    I will try to become more aware of these triggers in myself.
    I could def use your help though 🙂



  187.  #187T.R. on August 27, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    Ladies,

    It has been a long time since I have posted. I have been in a great relationship for 7 months now, where I am constantly on the receiving end. I have been true and authentic with myself and the man in my life. The other day I expressed my “mood” using “I feel” talk. Initially, I closed off, literally threw my hands in the air and walked away from my man. I then turned around and looked him in the eye and said “I feel judged”, “I feel like when I do such and such it is not good enough”. It was scary. It was maddening. The end result was great. He hugged me, kissed my forehead and said he was sorry. I did not hide my mood, I did not hide my feelings. And I felt so much relief and openness as a result. I hope to keep practicing this!



  188.  #188Mercedes on August 27, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    T.R.?!?! OMG! Hi!!! 🙂 It’s been a long time!

    I love that your situation worked out like that for you. Sounds like wonderful results to me! 🙂

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  189.  #189Deb on December 13, 2010 at 9:40 am

    I totally told off the guy I was seeing because he hurt me. I am feeling bad now, even though he deserved it and want to make things right. I don’t think we can be together right now, but in order to move on, I need to resolve this. What is the best way to approach him so he will be responsive? I just need him to know how I was feeling at the time and to let him know that I understand his dilemma.



  190.  #190Rori Raye on December 14, 2010 at 8:54 am

    Deb – if telling a guy off is your way of communicating when you’re upset – this is where you start your work…there is no strategy except that. Love, Rori



  191.  #191Catherine on December 26, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    I love reading your stuff. I tell my girlfriends about you all the time. There is one situation you don’t cover in the material i’ve read/heard. When I am upset, and my man comes to me and says ‘whats wrong?”…. and I say “I’m feeling hurt”. (now here’s the BIG thing,…) He then says “why?”. So how do I answer that without making him wrong or pushing him away?

    Thank you, Catherine



  192.  #192Rori Raye on December 27, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Catherine, great question. In my next program – it’s all “scripting” so you’ll know what to say – meanwhile, we’ll help. Try “When that happened….I felt….and I don’t like feeling that way, so I feel…..” Stick with “blue, confused, sad…” When you use the word “hurt” – you can’t help but make him wrong. Love, Rori



  193.  #193Jennie on March 15, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Hi Rori/Ladies,

    I need help with my feelings and I’m not sure when to share the ones I’m having with my boyfriend.

    My boyfriend finally won my heart over. After months of back and forth – him not being able to commit, I was circular dating and sharing my feelings about what I wanted. I ultimately told him he needed to leave me be (don’t call/text) as I needed to focus on finding the man that I want to spend my life with. A month later he asked me to speak with him, in a very heartfelt voicemail, and I agreed. He said he’s ready, he’s tired of being afraid, he loves me and while there are no guarantees he can see us having a future. I was overjoyed.

    However, now I find myself feeling skittish and worried that he’ll change his mind again. He’s not an overly mushy guy – but certainly very sweet and affectionate. I’d like more of this to help me feel more confident and assured that we’re on the same page.

    So, my questions are:
    1. Do I share my feelings about feeling a bit skittish or unsure?
    2. Do I share my feelings about needing more assurance from him from time to time?

    Thank you!!

    Jennie



  194.  #194Femininewoman on March 15, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Jennie would you be comfortable writing here exactly what you are feeling? Are there specific areas that you feel uncertain about?



  195.  #195Jennie on March 15, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Hi FeminieWoman,

    I’m feeling anxious and struggling with my confidnece in the situation and myself in general. It’s like I’m starting to see what he’s not doing instead of what he is doing and it’s making me scared. LIke I said earlier he’s not an overly gushy man…he doens’t need to call/text several times a day and that’s what’s making me second guess. He is a wonderful man and always makes me feel special when we’re together and has made several plans (big trips) for us already down the line but I can’t help going back to the way it’s always been which was – when am I going to see him? Does he really love me? Is this really for real?

    I’m afraid I’m going to screw it up if I don’t get a handle on this.

    Jennie



  196.  #196Femininewoman on March 15, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    The only thing to do is love yourself. Focus on you and filling yourself up with love. You seem overly focussed on fix-it and taking the relationship from him. Do you have any of Rori’s products? Have you considered Commitment Blueprint?



  197.  #197Jennie on March 15, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    Thanks FM.

    I just read a great article by Rori about the Nasty Voice! Her suggestion was not to get rid of it..because we all have one and it will never go away..but to acknowledge it, tell yourself you’re not going to believe it and focus on something you DO believe and like for just a few seconds.

    This is exactly where I am – it’s only been 4 days and already I’m telling myself it’s not going to work, he’s going to change his mind, he’s not doing enough, etc.

    The fact is he’s wonderful! And I’ve screwed up a lot of relationships because of my nasty little voice -> low confidence..which I am working on every day.

    Thanks for your help.