Is Your Fear Of Being “Weak” Turning You INTO A Doormat or a “Bitch”?

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In the last post, I talked about how easy it is to get extra sensitive when your picture of things gets “small,” and how that can make you feel like you have to balance two extremes – either being “weak” or a “bitch.”

And we’ve seen out there in the world how easy it is to get “labeled” as a “doormat” or a “bitch,” (ever happened to you?) and we’ve even seen that turned around with the idea that men LIKE “bitches.” It can get confusing and tricky.

I’ll write more about that (men don’t like “bitches,” they like women who are REAL) in later posts, but for now let’s see how you can find a way to WEAVE these two extremes into your life so that you can embrace BOTH your “weakness” and your “bitchiness” and still find a sense of peace, calm, strength and emotional softness somewhere in the middle.

This is a HUGE issue, and I really want you to write and comment so I can expand on it, develop new Tools about it and help you as much as I can with it.

Let’s say you want something from your man – like more attention or affection or time, but he’s being distant and pre-occupied. Let’s say you’re feeling irritated and angry, and frightened that something’s going wrong in the relationship. If you’re in this situation now, or if you’ve ever been here, are you feeling that if you don’t speak up and ask for what you want you’re “weak,” and if you DO speak up and ask for what you want you’ll end up a “bitch”?

So – first – do this: Make quick, everlasting and final PEACE with yourself – that WHATEVER you do or say, you will be okay with yourself, forgive yourself, and learn from the experience. This sets you up to SUCCEED, and will help you with the fear.

  1. Close your eyes
  2. Breathe
  3. Open your eyes and go get a piece of paper and a pen or pencil
  4. Put a line down the paper from top to bottom
  5. On the left side of the line, write down what you want to say to him. Take as many pieces of paper as you need, but stick to the left side of the paper.
  6. Now – take a look at what you’ve written. CATCH yourself JUDGING yourself about every line, and CATCH whatever feeling each line brings up in you – anger, frustration, fear, a smile (some of it might be really funny and make you laugh!)
  7. Last step is to rewrite EVERYTHING on the left (some of it will seem weak and doormat-like to you, and some of it will seem dramatic and bitchy to you) in FEELING MESSAGES (you can learn exactly how to do this in my ebook, and then see demonstrations of how to talk in Feeling Messages with a man in all my products – for now simply use the words “I feel,” or “I’m feeling” in every single sentence and completely cross out and do not use the word YOU).

Just doing this small writing exercise instead of trying to talk to your man from either of the doormat/bitch extremes will make a HUGE difference for you, so if you’re in this kind of situation, and you want something or you’re angry about something – do this right now and let me know how it felt for you.

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  1.  #1Ann on September 24, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    left side of paper:

    you’re not a man making me wait (2 years)
    until my son is 18 and not a “liablility” before i’m allowed to bring up the “M” (marriage) word.

    why don’t you feed the animals yourself and not be lazy by asking me to do it.

    why are you so cold by withholding affection now that i’m leaning back. ( he’ll initiate affection occasionally, but it’s not uncommon that he’ll wait 2 weeks before he puts his arms around me of his own doing.)

    right side of paper:

    i feel so disappointed about having to wait so long to be married

    i don’t want the responsibilty of feeding the animals when they’re not mine

    i don’t want to initiate affection in order to have it

    rori, could you comment on my feeling statements or make suggestions, i’m new at this.

    i’ve been dating my guy for 14 months, i don’t live with him.

    when i’m expressing a negative feeling
    messages, he’s quick to accuse me of “overthinking things” to which i come
    back and say “it’s how i feel.” it’s like he’s trying to turn my feelings
    into “thinking” and i have to be on guard not to get sucked into that. i did
    actually come back with a statement along the lines of “now i’m feeling
    frustrated and unheard.” he’s not reacting the way i’d imagined he would. i’m going to try just going for a walk if he doesn’t honor my feelings next time. i guess it’s a fine line between feeling dishonored and just accepting that i’ve successfully made it possible for him to be “drawn into my ability to feel” to quote Rori, and be satisfied with that, except that i feel confused about which is occurring, i can’t tell if he’s dishonoring my feelings when he challenges my feelings with the comments he makes. i do feel yucky when he does that, so should i just walk away?

  2.  #2Rori Raye on September 24, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    Ann, Welcome – and your Translations are wonderful! Now..that said…he sounds “toxic” to me. A man who isn’t affectionate for 2 weeks consistently doesn’t sound much like marriage material to me. 14 months is a very long time. Any reason you’re not Circular Dating? Love, Rori

  3.  #3Ann on September 25, 2009 at 10:29 am

    thank you rori.

    my guy may or may not be toxic, i have not listened to your program. he is extremely introverted, left-handed, and suffers from diabetic related mood swings.

    he also happens to be drop-dead gorgeous, smart, 3 yrs younger than me (he’s in his early 40’s), shares the same fondness for the simple pleasures in life that i do, is conveniently located in the same rural area as me ( not an area overflowing with singles), he wants to see me everyday as much as i want to see him, i get the vibe he’s into me inspite of the infrequency of intimacy.

    i feel happy and peaceful 80% of the time hanging with him, so to me he is a “good guy” and someone to whom i am grateful to have in my life. someone with whom i am practicing my feminine energy skills with, and with whom i already have a connection with, and am turned on by.

    contrast this with the past 10 years since breaking up with my last bf. during that time, i was flirting with men all the time, i had my profile on several dating sites with overwhelming responses, and yet i found no one that i liked. the men were mainly interested in sex, compounded by the long-distance/inconvenience factor which made it difficult to form a bond.

    also, no one interested me outside the realm of internet dating either. the men were older or looked and acted old and i have a very young vibe/body/style for my age and i wasn’t turned on by any of these men, not at all.

    so my guy has expressed that he doesn’t want me to see other men, and since i don’t want to anyway, i don’t feel as though i’m missing out on someone “better”. i much prefer to practice with your tools Rori, and see what happens. i’m already seeing my guy leaning towards me more now that i’m leaning back more. lately, he’s even been saying ” you’re such a girl” which i take as a compliment.

    i had been overfunctioning, leaning forward too much, and feel partly repsonsible for my man’s leaning back for a period, but now that i’m changing, he is too.

    last night i showed up at his house with 3 wasp stings on my leg and it kept swelling up and more and more, and i was “helpless”, and he leaned forward and showed much concern and care for me in this state. it’s like the post i read on your blog yesterday about men loving it when we’re sick. it’s so true. doing nothing felt great. what do i do the next time he asks me to do something. is it okay to do it if i don’t mind doing so when he asks? it would be lying if i said i didn’t want to do it, because most of the time i do want to help by doing things he asks me to. at those times, is it okay to be in my masculine energy?

    love, ann

  4.  #4Marilyn on September 1, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    I have tried to use the “I feel..” method of communicating and find it much more empowering for myself. I seem to “get over” my high emotions more quickly and really feel that I’ve been true to myself in expressing how I really feel. My dilemma though…sometimes it’s really hard to get rid of the word “you” in the sentence?? For example, “I don’t feel unimportant. I feel unimportant in your life.” How could I possibly get rid of “your”? Thanks, M