Dropping The Relationship Ball And Seeing If He Picks It Up

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Here’s a letter from a great client who’s long-distance boyfriend put her at emotional arms-length because – he said – he didn’t like all the anger and fighting between them.

So – she’s quite brilliantly working on many Tools and things she can shift.

In this letter, she talks about :

***Dropping the Ball (she’s been pretty-much engineering, managing, and CARRYING the “ball” of the relationship)

***Using Feeling Messages and catching and expressing her anger so much more quickly…

“Hi Rori

I’m confused today. I’ve been using feeling messages with Bill, we haven’t fought in almost 3 weeks now – and he hasn’t contacted me since Tuesday morning. This is the longest we’ve ever gone without contact. So some things are better yet …

I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’m just being impatient and want our full relationship back now after making all these changes.
“Relationship tempo…” – I remember Christian Carter talking about this. And that we need more feel good moments. And they’ve been happening yet where is he? The ball sits on the ground this week. I hate this.”

My Answer:

You’ve been carrying the ball for so long, it’s caused your anger to become misshapen and indirect and stuffed and explosive (all those things) it’s caused many things to occur that haven’t worked for you.

And now you’ve dropped the ball and are moving away from it a bit. (BRAVA!!!)

And now the rowboat is dead in the water, the ball is sitting on the ground.

He’s never before had the opportunity to know what to do with the ball.

He’s always had the SAFETY and the EXCUSE of the anger…and now he knows he either has to pick up the ball or keep making excuses. And so he’s just sitting there. Without your ball-carrying – he has nothing to REACT to!

And so – you have to wait him out.

You have to give him the space to figure this out.

You have to feel GOOD about giving him the space.

You have to be busy and happy and forget about him calling.

You know, deep in your heart, that this is not acceptable in an exclusive relationship – no contact since Tuesday. Not okay. And you’re having a harder and harder time making it okay in your mind.

This is all deeply unsettling. It’s challenging your beliefs about the relationship. And it’s the LEAST painful way through this for you.
Breathe. Get busy and happy. Explore. Feel.

See how your anger grows every day he doesn’t call. See how you’re making things up. See what’s most painful, and where you can have fun and feel good anyway.

A Story of Mine

My husband went on a business trip once and didn’t call for 6 days. I was astounded and wounded. I believe I called once during that time, but not again. When he finally talked I said…I felt deeply weird at not hearing from you…and I don’t like it at all. I need to know I’m being thought of.

He apologized – but I KNEW he simply had become absent-minded about me. He didn’t love me any less – he was 100% focused on what he was doing…and he wasn’t lonely. Once he knew what I needed him to do (tho I didn’t put it that way) – he created a routine so he could make me happy regardless of what he was feeling or not feeling.

And yet – ever after – I have to live with my frustration at him NOT feeling so lonely, and so bereft without me, that he wants to call all the time.  that just isn’t ever going to happen as a natural, regular thing.

Can I live with that?  SURE!!!

Because I feel loved! I just do.  The complete package, morning-to-night, day-to-day of how he treats me makes me feel bathed in love always. I can live with not having everything go my way, all the time. I can live just fine without every single thing on my checklist.

As long as he gives me the things at the top of my list – the big-ticket items – that make me FEEL that I feel loved, calm, peaceful, sexy, happy, safe…ALL of the time!

I don’t know why this man isn’t calling.

And – for now – you don’t want to be spending your time and energy guessing and figuring.

You simply need to discover, day-by-day, if he can meet your needs without you prodding, pushing, hoping, ball-carrying.

There’s going to be a transition in here.

Where you go from drama to non-drama.  From anger to laughing. From hard to easy. From upset to okay. Where you discover what’s co-dependent here, and what’s real.

It takes a bit of time – and  LOT of awareness.

The awareness is your job – AND – the only thing you can be aware of is YOU.

I want you to have love EASY.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1T-Girl on April 1, 2011 at 7:36 am

    Good morning!

  2.  #2Lilybelle on April 1, 2011 at 7:38 am




  3.  #3T-Girl on April 1, 2011 at 7:40 am

    Good article, the hard time I am having is it is really hard to be patient during that “awareness” time. How do we learn to be patient?

  4.  #4Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Hello, world. And a Happy “April Fool’s Day” to all. Enjoy the pleasures of life, big or small. Let your light shine.

    I am thankful for all.


  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 7:43 am

    @2: Lilybelle says:
    “..SLV: Congrats…”

    tee hee 😆 … until next year…


  6.  #6T-Girl on April 1, 2011 at 7:44 am

    I have a question about long distance relationships. How do you guys handle them? I have never even considered one because I feel that I would like to live close to the person so we can see each other during the week as it seems more real life to me. I’m not knocking them, just curious. I think I would want more out of a relationship than calling and e-mailing alot but seeing each other only a little? When you go into a LDR, is it with the intention to eventually move?

  7.  #7Lisi on April 1, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I have a hard time with this, too.

    It feels so powerless to sit back and not take charge. I’m capable of doing that, so it’s totally counter-intuitive, and hard for me to manage.

    That being said – I don’t want to be in a relationship where I always row the boat. I don’t want to be always chasing a man who does little or nothing to keep in contact with me.

    So, learning how to move into self-space and do my own thing until the guy shows back up again is a necessary part of my process.


  8.  #8Boomer on April 1, 2011 at 7:53 am

    From previous thread:


    Thank you for the advice. I so struggle still with in-the-moment feeling messages. Alpha/Eeyore later told me, however, that it was good to finally see me admit I liked/missed him and to see me vulnerable. I may have “given up my power” with that line, as you said, but he has seemed to need me to be a little less aloof and let him know if I like/miss/appreciate him.

    I am noticing that he and a couple of other men I am in various stages of CDing with right now do not deal well with subtleties. They want to know what I’m thinking, exactly what i want, and they don’t want to have to figure it out.

    But you are right. I still struggle…

  9.  #9Boomer on April 1, 2011 at 7:55 am

    From previous thread 990:


    “So I just wanted to give you a heads up that I was going to be running with scissors and plan to come here for bandaids later…”

    Awwwwwwwww, sweetie….I hope it’s good and it’s worth it. We are here for you. Just own your sexy goddess-ness though and enjoy it for what it is! And be willing to be surprised.

    Orgasms on your body (wink wink)



  10.  #10Boomer on April 1, 2011 at 8:08 am

    From previous thread – Lone Plum again.

    I feel like a bad diva 🙁

    I have such issues with my body. I thought I was getting over them (and maybe I have a little–but can you imagine how bad they were before if THIS is better???).

    I have encountered some impolite men in the past, and I have become preemptive…a friend encouraged me to make sure men know that I am curvy and voluptuous so they are not disappointed and my feelings are not hurt when they don’t like my body.

    Anyway, in response to your “I never comment on a man’s body,” this guy has pictures all over his profile of him bodybuilding, he own a personal training gym, and he makes a big deal about wanting a “fit” woman as his companion. So I guess I was responding to that expectation he put out there and wondering why he picked me if that’s clearly what he wants. No he did not ask me, “So, what is your fitness routine and are you trim?” But his profile clearly indicated this was the type of woman he wants. I am NOT that woman, so I felt curious and unsure about why he was pursuing me.

    So, your advice is accurate, well-meaning, and needed.

    Still struggling with being “good enough” for the type of men I want to attract. And with FMs.

    Thank you, LonePlum. I have a lot to think about.

  11.  #11Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Rori Raye:

    “…I want you to have love EASY.
    Love, Rori…”

    This is exactly what I’m looking for.


  12.  #12turquoise3 on April 1, 2011 at 8:14 am

    Good moring Sirens! I’m off work today, preparing for a sleepover party tonight. 🙂 Hopefully I’ll be able to check the blog throughout the evening. I really like this article and have read it before. I often pick up the ball and run with it, when I feel they are backing off. It’s the main thing I want to focus on with upcoming relationships, as it’s probably my biggest weakness/fault in relationships. I overfunction.

    I hope you all have hot dates tonight or will be CD’ing yourselves. 🙂 I have a date with 10 little girls tonight, and we are going to do crafts, eat, watch a movie and DANCE! 🙂

    Daria, I sent you a message on the last blog.

  13.  #13KS on April 1, 2011 at 8:29 am

    SLV & J,
    Thanks for your response yesterday. I feels good that you all reached out to help me. Appreciate it MUCHO! 🙂

  14.  #14loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 8:42 am

    I don’t feel loved when someone I don’t want to love wants to love on me. Is that wrong? I’m going to be diligent this month on loving myself… cding myself… maybe even closing off match.com for a while. I want solitude… I’m craving it. But as I process all this new and amazing information and insite from all you sirens and above all Rori, I begin to run through all my past experiences. One in particular stands out and I feel angry and confused.

    I was once asked out by a young man who was studying to be a doctor. He was the brother/brother in law of a couple I had met a few months previous. I had always found him a bit pretentious… snooty… affected…etc and I was not attracted to him. Anyway he started calling me (his sister-in-law gave him my number… I think without asking> I really getted pissed when people do that.) And we would have some medical based chats. (I just have a weird knowledge base… not in the medical profession myself.) So he called me one day and started up a conversation and then asked me if I liked the Opera… and if I’d like to go to what was showing in a few weeks. I said that I did and inquired more about the Opera that was showing. (I didn’t know he was asking me on a date… because the group of friends I knew him through was a group I was used to doing GROUP things with… including going to the Opera, so I thought he was orgainzing it.) I said I would like to go… and then he went in to full masculine date planning mode. And I felt devistated. I didn’t want to go on a date with this man! He called me once before our date to solidify plans and add dinner to the agenda. I agreed to dinner. On the day of, in an attempt to make it more casual, (it felt all wrong to me) I called him and asked him if he would meet me downtown instead of picking me up from my house as I had somewhere I needed to be prior to the date. He responded confused and then explained that he had already made dinner reservations. Reservations? This was the first time I had EVER spent time alone with this man. I wanted something light… like coffee, the opera already felt like too much pressure to me! I told my sister that if he showed up with flowers I would throw up. I conceaded my plan and let him pick me up. We went to a very old, very expensive place. He tried to encourage me to order the $60+ steak and lobster plate. I felt irritated. Conversation went ok. We went to the Opera. I didn’t want him near me. I felt horribly guilty as he picked up the EXPENSIVE good seat tickets from will call. We talked about the Opera driving home. Thank goodness it was a comedy. I felt all types of guilt and anger and the weight of expectation (not sexual… emotional) shortly before he dropped me off. He walked me to my door… which I desperately did not want him to do. And shook his hand and RAN inside. For me it felt like the worst date ever. He called me and I ignored a couple of his calls. And the messages got more irritated with me… I heard in them “you owe me a call back.” I felt angry. I didn’t owe him anything. I felt guilty. All my friends knew this guy and I shouldn’t be mean to him. I called him back… and I simply said, “Thanks for taking me to the opera, but I’m not interested in you romantically.” And that was that. But I still felt fightin mad… and like I’d been tricked and been treated HORRIBLY.

    Now I bring up this long long story, because it sees to me that I don’t know how to accept nice things… all I can see or feel is expectation. I thought… he expects me to be the perfect little good catholic girl who wants to get married immediately… he expects me to be impressed… he expects me to keep talking to him. I do see now that I could have expressed with feeling messages my hesistation at having such a serious first date, before it happened (but he bought the tickets right away and I felt guilty and angry.) But I want to learn from all my past situations… I want to reframe them, if you will, or practice with them. Can you CD yourself by roleplaying through the past?

    I’m just afraid that Rori wants me to end up with a man who will do all these nice things, but isn’t who I like. My gut told me that I wasn’t into this man. I didn’t feel loved and honored… I felt pressured and disregared. Do I trust my feelings? Or was I wrong?

    This man is now married to a friend of mine… and I found out that he didn’t so much as buy her flowers through their courtship (it was more of a we have the same values and we should date… now let’s get married kinda thing.)

  15.  #15Boomer on April 1, 2011 at 8:43 am

    Turquoise – have fun tonight with your little girls. I did that same birthday party/sleepover last week. Still trying to get the glitter out of the carpet…

  16.  #16Mel on April 1, 2011 at 8:45 am

    “He’s always had the SAFETY and the EXCUSE of the anger…and now he knows he either has to pick up the ball or keep making excuses. And so he’s just sitting there. Without your ball-carrying – he has nothing to REACT to!”

    WOW! This is EXACTLY what is going on.

    The really hard part is being patient enough to see what he will choose to do or not do. I have no control over that. I will just observe.

    “You simply need to discover, day-by-day, if he can meet your needs without you prodding, pushing, hoping, ball-carrying.”

    Let’s find out!

  17.  #17Mel on April 1, 2011 at 8:45 am

    Congrats SLV!

  18.  #18Mel on April 1, 2011 at 8:53 am

    Thanks for your well-wishes Ladybird!

    I went to the grocery store and bought 5 days worth of food that I like. Not what was practical or what hubby would like to eat, but what I felt like.

    Tomorrow I’m going to a morning yoga class, then treating myself to coffee/breakfast out.

    Sunday, I’m meeting a friend for lunch and then going shopping for a new “interview outfit.”

    Monday I have an interview- yay!

    And the rest of the time, I’m busy working on a new (rush) freelance project that I accepted yesterday.

    I’m going to try to spoil myself while he’s gone. I need to think of some cheap ways to do this though… wish I could afford a spa trip…

  19.  #19Ladybird on April 1, 2011 at 9:06 am

    Mel: That’s great you have some nice stuff planned. And you can create a little spa sanctuary in your own home….. pamper & spoil yourself. You can use the products you already have at no extra cost.

  20.  #20Ladybird on April 1, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Turquoise 3: nothing beats being around little girls to bring your girl vibe out. I went with my sister and 18 seven year olds to the cinema last week to see Tangled (Rapunzel). Not only was the movie great but it was fun being around all that pink energy! I’m sure you’ll have fun. It was amazing to watch Rapunzel who had both boy and girl energy and she got rescued by her man in the end. xx

  21.  #21Tulip on April 1, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Just subscribing 🙂

  22.  #22Ladybird on April 1, 2011 at 9:12 am

    T-Girl: I’ve had 2 LDRs, one for 2.5 years and the other for 6 months. I really don’t think I could do it again. It’s hard to build a relationship with distance especially if it means you are in different countries. It would be so nice to be able to spend time with someone during the week and at weekends rather than see each other weeks apart.

  23.  #23Ladybird on April 1, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Boomer: I hope you have fun on your dates over the weekend!

  24.  #24Ladybird on April 1, 2011 at 9:25 am

    loveiseverywhere: I couldn’t be with someone either if it just didn’t feel right even if he was kind and generous and loving to me. A friend of mine was engaged to a guy and called it off as she felt it wasn’t right and he married someone else soon after. She spent years looking for her Mr. Right and was at the point of giving up but finally met him and they have a little girl now. She’s glad she didn’t marry the first guy as it just didn’t feel right even though her family and friends thought she should. Personally, I’d follow my gut instinct too. I took the month of March to focus on me and worked through Modern Siren and can honestly say I feel so much better on 1st April than what I did on 1st March. I’ve now ordered the Heart Connection Toolkit to work on in April. Enjoy your time focusing on yourself, it’ll be worth it. xx

  25.  #25Daria on April 1, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Hi turquoise –

    Sigh. :(. I feel sad at this point cuz the way I’m expressing myself in my life seems to get me to a place where a lot of people don’t ‘get me.’

    I am myself often doubtful and have two sides of thinking where I can feel very proud, delighted and thrilled at my choices, then also feel judgemental and doubtful and ashamed and unworthy and not good enough.

    My doubts come in like: maybe what I want is ‘wrong’ maybe I ‘should’ just do what other people do. Maybe I’m deluding myself. Maybe I’m worthless.

    A part of me wants to ‘move out’ and ‘get a job’ and ‘make money.’. That part wants to prove to myself that I can, and it wants the approval of other people. ‘no o e could criticize me if… I was successful on their standards’

    The truth is, the other part of me, the part that makes me feel happy and delighted and what I really want, doesn’t want any of those things!

    I make a habit of looking at life and lifestyle in an out of the box way as much as I can.

    Doing that – mixed in with some spiritual beliefs etc – I want to live free and safe and in nature.

    My spirit life is … Kind of like Avatar the movie. there’s a community in nature. There’s extra perception of being part of natural things.

    For my life, I would like happiness.

    I am really going for this.

    My beliefs that I’ve come to while exploring my perceptions and desires are (purposely – because it delights me to wow and surprise – I am a trickster) shocking.

    I don’t believe in working. I believe as humans our only work is to express ourself through art.

    Share information – this is one of my favorites – I feel great engaged in reading and writing exploring and talking.





    And transform. Heal.


    I don’t believe in moving out. Although I Do want to leave my parents for right now, lately, to travel and because I feel called to…

    I believe it feels healthy for a family of multigenerations to live together.

    I plan on creating a big family where my Children and grandchildren surround me … A village of Daria. I feel whole and excited imagining this and I believe this is how our species naturally behaved and organized before we ‘knew better’ and lost sight of wholeness.

    I don’t believe a working person focused on earning is independent. They are dependent on paychecks – from others. Their peace of mind is strongly tied to that. Their beliefs become distorted to necessity, scarcity, powerlessness. They believe they Have to show up in a certain place in a certain way and behave a role for a large portion of time. They Have to have money to feel peaceful in their lifestyle which includes built in the dependence on said lifestyle. Ie the rat race.

    I believe I Am independent. In order to be strong mentally emotionally spiritually, I often see myself as living on a mountain, like a meditating hermit. I’m not quite sure what to do with that part of myself yet.

    I practice relying Not on money. I practice feeling healthy and fit and having habits that I am able to sleep comfortably wherever I am – as if I were on a journey – eating the food I encounter and am offered. Etc. I see myself in some ways like Jes,u’s or another holy pilgrim.

    I Also use my magic powers to attract things to me. I receive gifts of beautiful jewelry or clothing etc.

    I believe as a woman that wants a family, I will be responsible for the health and healing of my family. I am the medicine woman. I practice very much relying on natural health for myself so that I can one day do so for those around me. I feel proud of myself in this area, I am knowledgeable and eventually will also be skilled. I might already be skilled, :). Yes I am.

    This includes emotional health which I am engaged with consistently healing myself.

    I also would like to feed myself natural and desired food, as part of my health. So I am considering learning to grow some plants and maybe in the future learn to hunt or grow with me some animals.

    Having worked in the park all winter, I feel really pleased with my progress. I have strengthened so that I’m able to sleep even a little, then engage in my day with not so much fatigue. Then I can sleep again as I need when it works for me.

    I have become comfortable walking and biking for long distances, like for more than an hour at a time almost daily. This has bern excellent in expanding my freedom. I am noe no longer intimidated that I will be ‘too tired’ to do certain things or go certain places.

    I have released addiction to alcohol, which has made me feel much safer. 🙂

    I worked with plants and cleaning, making myself so much more comfortable with these tasks that I used to feel intimidated by.

    I can now feel pulled to pull up a broom and sweep or even clean a toilet, stuff that in the past I wouldve just felt heavy looking at.

    I feel comfortable now with uprooting and most likely planting plants, etc. I feel more able to engage with plants this way.

    So I feel very safe in the world. I know how to be fed. I know how to sleep, where I’m at. I know how to love myself.

    I can be happy homeless. :). I do see myself as homeless in my mind.

    I am part gypsy – I believe – not sure but there is rumor in my family.

    I would like to learn more, self defense skills, law safety skills – I feel afraid of being imprisoned – and animal skills.

    I’d like to learn how to start a fire.

    I want to practice beautifying clothing.

    Another thing I think is important for a woman is I will be the teacher in my family. I will raise and teach my children – homeschooling – and here I feel smily and proud because Yes, I can do this. 🙂

    So to me, I live independent – though also interdependent – and am constantly practicing towards healing and developing the skills I desire to have my life more whole.

    Safe and free.

    And full of bliss nature peace spirit love.

    Love to me, this feels a bit scary,

    Magic Goddess Medicine Woman

    . Thank you for asking, each practice of telling about me I feels like a babystep to feel stronger and safer to tell my truth.

  26.  #26Daria on April 1, 2011 at 9:41 am

    About the men . All these men are practice. (not waste of time) I am healing.

    There are some men I feel good with, and some I don’t. There are countless men, they are like a river I don’t count them. 🙂

    And I practice, sometimes I feel intensely – both good and bad. I’m practicing getting my addiction to intensity released.
    And yet, honoring my desires.

    And with getright man, I am now not in contact with him and don’t want to be his friend. I feel good and pretty confident that I will be able to express my boundaries to him.

    My hu

  27.  #27Daria on April 1, 2011 at 9:44 am

    My husband will show up when I’m healed enough to have the relationship I want. Yesterday with cd I felt insecure when he called me crazy. I realized I think I’m too crazy to have a relationship.

    I want to feel more proud and secure in my choices, and feel confident in myself.

    I want to see myself as powerfully successful , and release even more standards and judgements that don’t serve me.

  28.  #28LonePlum on April 1, 2011 at 9:55 am

  29.  #29Daria on April 1, 2011 at 9:59 am

    One day I will be seen and honored for my wisdom.

    And now I babystep to seeing and honoring myself.

    I have found my intuition and it brings me magical experiences.

  30.  #30Daria on April 1, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Loveiseverywhere – most of us – not all – have to practice receiving. Our unworthiness tells us we ‘owe’ something back.

    And we have to practice expressing our feelings, in the moment . Ie … I feel uncomfortable. Or, I feel turned off. Or even, I feel great.

    Last but not least, we have to practice opening up our heart to All men … And not judging.

    CD helps u’s practice this, and heal the stuff that holds u’s back and small.

  31.  #31T-Girl on April 1, 2011 at 10:11 am

    RE Lone Plum, love that song!!

  32.  #32Lovely on April 1, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Yes, I am interested in hearing about your LDR thoughts too. I know Rori doesn’t encourage it. But if it is in a routine of other CD guys, why not?

    I am dating a businessman that comes into town once a month. We had a nice dinner and things this past weekend and he called me from the airport on his way out last night. It’s sweet. But I need to keep focused on my real life and not make up a story about it in my head.

    Also, I used a feeling/what do you think message on another man. (via text) And he responded, “what language is that. :)” Ugh, I didn’t even respond. I reread the message and thought it sounded OK. Are you guys getting any of this? Am I taking these feeling messages to the extreme or something?

    Thank you beautiful Goddesses.

  33.  #33T-Girl on April 1, 2011 at 10:32 am

    I just had an “aha” moment regarding closure. I am realizing that my need for closure is because deep down I still want there to be an outcome. I’m sure that has been said a thousand million times here, but for some reason I am just realizing it. I’m getting closer to being ok with no closure.

  34.  #34Daria on April 1, 2011 at 10:37 am

    Boomer –

    “They want to know what I’m thinking, exactly what i want, and they don’t want to have to figure it out.”

    Uhoh! This is all in their heads and business.

    What don’t You want?

    How do you feel? … In particular moments with these men…

  35.  #35Daria on April 1, 2011 at 10:39 am

    All they want is to make me happy. I’ll assume this. 🙂

  36.  #36Daria on April 1, 2011 at 10:40 am

    T – girl … Heeeheee yeah that’s how it works, all of a sudden I get stuff on a deeper level. Banysteps

  37.  #37Brenda on April 1, 2011 at 10:41 am


    Beauteous! Thanks for yet another excellent article!

  38.  #38Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 10:45 am

    @17: Mel says:
    “…Congrats SLV!…”

    Thanks, but that was an “April 1” proposal, so only a bit of fun. I thought I’d celebrate the day by putting the idea out there and letting it bubble up and grow during the coming year. Your weekend plans seem fun too!


  39.  #39Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 11:00 am

    @25: Daria says:
    “…– and am constantly practicing towards healing and developing the skills I desire to have my life more whole.
    Safe and free.
    And full of bliss nature peace spirit love…”

    I used to be in love with the “Mother Earth News” even though a city girl at heart, I loved all that self-sufficiency and I found ways to do some of the little things. It was oh so fascinating.

    I think you would have been happy living in a commune in the 1970s. 😀

    I just found this!!! “Mother Earth News” online! I thought it didn’t exist anymore…

    Check it out.



  40.  #40Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 11:08 am

    @32: Lovely says:
    “…Are you guys getting any of this? Am I taking these feeling messages to the extreme or something? …”

    I don’t know what you said or wrote but sometimes I read messages that purport to be expressions feelings when they are not feelings. I consider some of the messages extreme and manipulative. When the man asked “what language it was” maybe he was being polite and he preferred that you talk in an honest way if he perceived otherwise.


  41.  #41Mel on April 1, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Re: 38 SLV

    LOL, you got me! Great way to manifest what you want though!

  42.  #42turquoise3 on April 1, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Daria, I’m relieved you’ve thought it through and realize, what I might see as how I’d like my life, it’s not the same for everyone else. I wish you luck and hope it works out for you.

    In my lifestyle though, I have to work to provide for myself and my children. I would not want to live with my parents, and have them support us. They are retired. I believe in having a family home in which my girls and can live the way we want, without someone else’s rules or standards. I work not only to provide, but also because I enjoy it, and feel I do a service that contributes to my town, community, etc. While I am dependent on my paycheck to pay the bills, it’s a necessity to have a roof over our heads, food, heat, and the pleasantries of life like internet, cable, a car, etc. I also know that while I am capable of a lot, I can’t do it all by myself, so I have family and friends who are there for me when I need them.

    I hope things work out the way you want them too, but hope you know that if you ever needed to work to provide for yourself, you seem to be a bright and capable young woman who could do good in this world, while also earning a paycheck 🙂

  43.  #43Daria on April 1, 2011 at 11:33 am

    Slv – there are communities of women now, I know of herbalists and goddess focused ones, like Susun Weed.

    I got triggered last week when someone told me I’m living in the wrong era … I agreed then realized… I’m not.

    I feel connected with women with similar aspirations. So
    Some show up for me as inspirations Surprisingly for me since i havent researched this or traveled there, two Aboriginal women in Canada,

    Tina where are you? – I don’t know if Tina shares them, but I miss her 🙂

    A Haitian woman, a black woman in the us many women.

    this is this era, now. There are many healers and many people awakening to happiness and freedom now,

    Not just in the past, not at all in the past, nit at all displaced and irrelevant.

    I am healing the Earth now

    And I may have liked communes, or maybe not?

    I feel unsure. I feel triggered to judge and distance myself…

    But in the now I’d like to organize my village around me. My family, multigenerational

    All from me, woman.

    There are many close communities and villages on earth.

    I was born in the city too and was a city girl, and still do feel thrilled by stone, and light :).

    I’d feel good with some wood and earth and a spring now. And that’s in the back of the stones the warmth and safety.

  44.  #44Boomer on April 1, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Daria: 34

    “They want to know what I’m thinking, exactly what i want, and they don’t want to have to figure it out.”

    “Uhoh! This is all in their heads and business.”

    Actually in three cases now, men have told me these very things: “I want to know what you want. I don’t want to have to guess and plan and have you be disappointed. Tell me.”

    I told all three that the point is to just spend time together, and that what it is or what it costs is not the point. That I will not be disappointed as long as they put sincere effort into wanting to create an experience for us. That it would make me feel good if they brought the plan and made it so.

    Yet they all three resisted…they want ME to bring the “do” energy. I reiterate that I feel uncomfortable with “do” and that I prefer to “be.” They all see this as “lazy” and “taking” and “selfish.”

    (Yet interestingly, these three men are the ones who keep coming back for more Boomer.)

    Perhaps it’s the men I have picked (fem energy?). But I did not get in their heads and presume…they all SAID these things to me.

  45.  #45mary on April 1, 2011 at 11:35 am


    The new website is just awesome.

    It’s so easy to find stuff. Easy to navigate. It’s wonderful!

    All the best,


  46.  #46Daria on April 1, 2011 at 11:39 am

    Turquoise – I feel stabbed everytime someone says to me ‘I Have to’

    Especially ‘I have to work to eat’

    This feels sad and committed to healing all my beliefs that hold me to this way of thinking.

    I don’t want to Have to.

    I feel shaky and angry about those have tos that cripple the spirit of humanity and keep me believing in scarcity, in poverty, in unfreedom.

    I know I don’t have to do anything. God provides everything I need to me, from birth.

    I feel judged by you and I notice me judging you right back.

    I hope someday you will get free and powerful and live your heart dreams and never again believe you have to do anything to feel nourished and safe.

    I hope that for me.

    I feel angry, and frustrated… And that’s ok.

    Babysteps for me

    I am committed to living free

  47.  #47Boomer on April 1, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Ladybird, thank you. I was riding my Pirate Ship on the Diva Seas yesterday, wasn’t I??? Booting the undeserving swabbies into the water!

    But today my energy is low. My vibe is quavering.

    I checked out my biorhythm for today, and yuck! My physical energy is high, but my emotional and intellectual energies are in the dumper. Bummer. Also, it says my intuition will be suspect for the next week. Ick!

    So, I’m just gonna lean back and be fabulous this weekend. I still have four CDs to enjoy, although #1 CD has not asked to see me. But #2 is fast intriguing me.

    But *I* am the yummy pirate wench pie. Not them.

  48.  #48Daria on April 1, 2011 at 11:50 am

    Boomer – even when they say what they think want…

    I don’t pay it attention in that way. I just assume they want to make me happy. If they don’t, they’ll disappear.

    So I listen to my feelings. When they say that… How do I feel.

    Man: I want you to tell me what to do.

    Me: that feels bad, I don’t want to plan stuff

    Man: but i want you to

    Me: I’m feeling angry. I don’t want to date a man who doesn’t want to take charge of the planning.

    Him: I can take charge, bur I need you to too

    Me: that doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to be in charge. I’m feeling turned off.. Abd pressured and angry. I don’t want to deal with this.

    Man: I guess

    Me: that feels bad… I feel unimportant and drained. I don’t want to feel bad, so I’m gonna go now. Click

    End of non step up drainy man.

    Ugh I feel angry thinking bout this and how I used to allow myself to get drained. And I’m doing way better with this

  49.  #49Simply Shannon on April 1, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Daria, I’ve begun to noticed how often I say “I have to” or “I need to”, and I’ve consciously made myself change those words to “I want to” or “I’m choosing to”. Everything I do is a choice.

  50.  #50Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 11:57 am

    @43: Daria says:

    “…I got triggered last week when someone told me I’m living in the wrong era … I agreed then realized… I’m not….”

    I sent the information for now! 2011! I’m thrilled to find it and so glad I read your post and went looking to see if there was still a Mother Earth News…there is! I’ve not explored all the articles and forums… I ran here to share because I was excited for you.

    I don’t think you are living in the wrong era; when I mentioned the 1970s I was sharing some fun with you. 😀 Fun that I had. And I’m sharing the possibilities.

    I’m not the one saying you are in wrong era, I’m the one sending you good stuff. I specialize in good stuff and that’s one big reason why the guy lucky enough to catch me is going to be one happy man.


  51.  #51Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm


    I feel a little “slapped down” now. Is “slapped down” a feeling? No matter, I’m glad I found the site; I’ll use it for myself and/or to share with someone else. Judging from past content, I’m sure there are a whole lot of goodies there.



  52.  #52mary on April 1, 2011 at 12:06 pm


    What happened?

    I just logged on again and the new look disappeared.


  53.  #53Simply Shannon on April 1, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    Boomer, lately I’ve been telling guys upfront that I don’t call or text or email or plan dates. In a playful way. (Kind of like Daria commenting it’s easier to give the no GF speech upfront – soooo true).

    Boys will ask me to plan again at some point and again I just smile and say “You are so cute. You know I don’t feel good planning dates.” and lalala right along. We get in trouble when we start trying to explain why we don’t want to plan dates. Then they explain why we should. Blah blah blah.

    Him: What do you want to do?

    Inner working: Me, ugh – I feel annoyed, why is he asking me? He’s slacking off. He doesn’t really care about me or like me anymore. Stop sign!! Nasty voices may all go sit in the corner. I am worthy of planned dates. Breath Shannon breath. He normally plans great dates that feel really good. He does like me. <– that feels good to feel.

    I look at him. Really look at him. I feel his energy… that he likes me (because he wouldn't want to spend time with me if he didn't) so…

    Me: You are so cute. Smile. I feel happy that you want to spend time with me but you know I don't feel good planning dates. Smile.

    Or… Smile. How about if you give me some options and I'll pick something. What do you think?

    Or… You do such a great job planning our dates. I feel so romanced. I feel excited to hear what you have planned for us. Smile.

  54.  #54Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    I feel so grateful for this post today. It is music to my mind and soul.

    I needed to hear this today. I feel the empty space BIG time. and it’s ok. I would rather have this than overfunctioning anymore.

    (grin) I feel better. I feel more peaceful. I CAN DO THIS!

  55.  #55Simply Shannon on April 1, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Oh and Daria, if a guy said “I want you to tell me what to do”, so many options here. I’d say:

    I want you to plan an extravagant date.

    I want you to give me a million dollars.

    I want you to kiss me like you mean it.

    I want YOU to tell ME what to do. (wink wink)

    *SMILE* because it’s fun to stay positive and assume I can tell him what I really want him to do, not just plan a date or give a simple answer.

    This would help me to smile and feel good around him. Then I could say something like…

    But seriously, when you tell me that, what do you mean? It would feel good to understand where you’re coming from.

    And then roll with the feeling messages.

    It feels good to go to curiosity rather than the negative story.

  56.  #56Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    @47: Boomer
    Sunday, April 3rd is new moon. Do you think that will bring something for you? I might go ahead and do a kind of smudge/energy cleanse then; it’s supposed to be the ideal time of moon cycle.

    Thanks for the link with the smudge info. A trip first to IKEA would be nice also. Those crystals from site link were interesting too. What do you think about also hanging rings from window in that corner? Just thinking… 😀 Gotta keep the vibe going…


  57.  #57Simply Shannon on April 1, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    or why not say…

    I feel hungry (now he knows to feed me)

    It would feel good to move tonight (now he knows we could go for a walk or go dancing or whatever)

    It would feel good to hear some music tonight (now he knows we could go see concert or he has this great CD he wants to share or there’s a musical in town or he’d love to play his guitar for me)

    I’m telling him what I’m feeling interested in without planning the date details. I feel okay with this idea.

  58.  #58Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    @52: mary says:
    “…I just logged on again and the new look disappeared….”

    Hmmm, what “new look?” Mine view looks the same. Did Rori mention there was a new format?


  59.  #59Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    I think I love my “sweetie.” “Sweetie” is so calm. “Sweetie” says… “tip away.”



  60.  #60Daria on April 1, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Ok reread. Turquoise is saying I seem to be intelligent enough to work and be paid for it abd be esteemed in that culture.

    I hope I don’t need to again, but I can take this as I don’t seem so crazy, I seem attractive even to those people who believe in working for

    So I am attractive to them too, ok this is good, this is what I want, to be honored and admired.

    I feel shaky, no I don’t want to ever need to burden Muself that way.

    Ugh trigger OMG I won’t even talk about it.

    Ok I will this is in my head the way I see a goddess woman living wild with her clan and someone from the society says to her,

    Hey you look bright! You look strong! You’d be great working in the field at the plantation farm!

    And she’s like OMG never would I want to give up my freedom and work on that farm and she feels scared that they might try to kidnap or force her.

    But under that is the compliment that she is bright and strong so she thanks that affirmation and heals her fears.

    She devotes herself to making her life feel even happier and healing so that her energy is so strong more and more others will crave it and crave the freedom and happiness for themselves.

    And now when the visitor comes to try and get her to the plantation the visitor feels so overwhelmed by the healing energy that the imprisoned beliefs fall away and the visitor breaks down and allows herself to feel touched and begins to believe she can have happiness too, that it is safe.

    So I will make my life so happy and it can be easy to SEE.

  61.  #61Boomer on April 1, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    I am going to IKEA after work tonight to buy some cheap and pretty lamp shades and other little tchochkes for my new basement. I have lived in this house for a year, and just now was able to afford to furnish the finished basement for the kids. I want them to invite their friends to stay at our place and really make that the kid sanctuary.

    IKEA tchochkes make me feel so good. I get neat new things that make my house feel pretty and together, and all for about $7.49. How awesome is that? I got a rug for $19.99 there earlier in the week. I want to roll around on it and enjoy it’s “new rug smell.”

    I bought 14 throw pillows and five new afghan blankets to soften up the space. All black, red, gray, hot pink, and white. Fun space for kids and Mommy!

    Do you Sirens know the IKEA song by Jonathan Coulton? It makes me feel so happy. He’s very talented and funny…who would ever have thought to rhyme “Norsemen” with “divorced men?”



    “IKEA: plywood brushed steel, IKEA: meatballs tasty, IKEA: Allen wrenches, all of them for free, all of the for me!”

    I also like “Todd the T-1000” and “Code Monkey.” He’s so funny…check him out and smile 🙂


  62.  #62Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Sometimes… all of this just seems like more analyzing. I feel drained.

    I don’t want to be up in my head about men anymore.

  63.  #63Luzydel on April 1, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    This comes at a good time, I am dropping the ball completely with D, I even blocked his txts messages.
    I can and deserve better, but now I am taking a long break before I cd again. I wan to feel good inside before I do.

    I need to change these patterns and stop taking crumbs, and to do that I have to love myself.

  64.  #64Lovely on April 1, 2011 at 12:40 pm


    Thank you so much for always chipping in with a thoughtful answer. I appreciate it. : )

  65.  #65Lovely on April 1, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Yes, I don’t see a new format.

  66.  #66Daria on April 1, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    I just had this convo now with cd from yesterday! He was laughing at me and lecturing me and I said…

    Thus feels bad. I do not want to be talked down to or judged on how I live and if it doesn’t stop Now I don’t want to talk to you.

    I repeated that a few times and I feel angry stuff and eventually he Apologized!


    I spoke up for me 🙂

    He said I will be ‘amazing’ when I find my balance, but I haven’t found my balance yet so sometimes he thinks I’m crazy.


    Yes I will find it to where I feel safe and open and proud speaking of myself. Where I’ve healed my own doubts of me. 🙂

    Yay me.

    I just got the flash that even though we were taking about our mindsets being different on this…

    I Want a man who can support me with practicality and resources while I do my rainbow woman dance.



    I also Really stood up for myself about feeling abandoned when he left before I was ready.

    I said I felt bad he siad how do I make you feel happy – well first he tried lots of excuses like he was tired, he came out for me , etc – and I kept saying it feels bad.

    I said I don’t know you have to figure it out. Heeehee

    He said yeah, he thinks I’m sooo brilliant smart and my mind is so interesting it is ‘eccentric’ which I agreed with although now I feel unsure cuz I feel a bit bad with that.

    Such awesome feeling practice.

    Oh he wants to bring me a charger for my phone which I would Loooove. And I asked him for help cuz he know lawyers to recommend someone for me at a free legal clinic.


    So I won’t be dependent on raincoat man.

    Will ask raincoat man to mail raincoat if I don’t hear from him today.

  67.  #67Daria on April 1, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    Shannon – I meant when the ‘I want you to tell me what to do’ comes w a vibe that makes me Feel bad.

    If the vibe energizes and inspires me instead, I express that.

    But . I DON’T Want to tell him what to do.

    Me Daria doesn’t.

    So he’ll have to come up w something else besides asking me, but thank you for asking. Unless I Fo have something I do desire….

  68.  #68Daria on April 1, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Simply Shannon – yes! I feel good sometimes changing have to to ‘get to’

    I Get To go to DUI class tonight! And get to be w people abd see that cute guy from hs 🙂

  69.  #69Daria on April 1, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    Slv – the commune comment triggered ne to what someone Else said earlier this week, which triggered Etc

    That’s why I felt bad.

    I feel overwhelmed looking at motherearth website right now.

    Thank you for sharing and you are a wise and informed woman.

    Sonetimes I sneak peeks at ravelry.com

    Are u into natural health? Susun weed is a great resource for me.

  70.  #70kaitlyn on April 1, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Not sure if this applies RR entry to me since Adam and I are no longer IN our relationship, but today’s his birthday, and I’m not contacting him. And he’s still an entire coast away.

    It’s been 2 months of no contact, initiated on his part since he never responded to my last email, and then there’s that whole FB LIKE exchnage that went on last month where I thought returning a LIKE would create a safe, open, warm place for him to row twds me again. Nope. Nothing.

    I’m wishing him a happy birthday from my mind, but I’m not contacting him to do so. It would feel devastating if all I got was a ‘thanks.’

    I feel like a failure for still missing him. I feel like a failure for having an entire day planned with work, friends, creative endeavors, and he’s still on my mind.

  71.  #71Daria on April 1, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Luzydel – it’s harder to drop the ball with a man and feel better about ourselves Without CDing.

    That’s why Rori recommends Cd right away, especially when you feel bad. It will help boost your vibe so much faster.

    KS – this is for you too. without CD it’s soo hard to move on from a man.

  72.  #72kaitlyn on April 1, 2011 at 1:10 pm


    I get my teeth laser bleached at the mall for $70. So worth it.


    I did end up getting my jacket back myself. I had to call his ex room mate’s vm daily for 2 months to get it back. Between that and the Xmas issue, I don’t know if it’s my problem for not understanding how busy he is OR if a guy really likes you, he makes time to follow up on things he promised he’d do. I feel rejected that he didn’t pick up the gift I gave HIM. Who the f*ck does that? Rude. Or should I not be angry because Adam is shy and probably felt weird asking his new housemate/employer to get to the po box? All this created my YES to going to Paris. I feel bad that Adam didn’t deserve infidelity because I felt insecure in the relationship.

  73.  #73Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    Kaitlyn – Please don’t beat yourself up for missing him. I can relate and it doesn’t help. Feel good about you that you LOVE DEEPLY and fully even if it doesn’t go the way you want. 🙂

    I know how you feel right now and it can feel like a big mindgame you just want out of. I have found using the drop to the floor and let it out and connect with it for a few minutes to be VERY helpful. Shoving those missing him feelings or trying to stay busy ALL the time to avoid them just feels terrible.

    I don’t mean to sound preachy.. but please,.. acknowledge your feelings and be ok with them. It will get better. 🙂

    And as I write this to you, it is like I am talking in the mirror to me.

    You are worth the pain you are going through to get to wherever you are going.

  74.  #74kaitlyn on April 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm


  75.  #75kaitlyn on April 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

    I cheated. I’m a fscking anorexic whore. Yay me!

  76.  #76Luzydel on April 1, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Daria my fear is to end up in the same patern with another man, who will give me crumbs and I accept them. I need to know why I accept the least from men and don’t raise my standards.

  77.  #77Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Daria, I feel so inspired reading 25. I relate to the overall thoughts and feelings, and am also in that struggle btwn what my heart wants and what society seems to dictate. Most of my life I have been able to live the way you describe – freely. I raised my babies at home and home-schooled them – what a delight! What an opportunity for creativity and integrated living! Now, bc of my impending divorce, I am torn btwn “the box” and freedom. I am job hunting but I don’t want a job. 🙁 I want to be free.

  78.  #78Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Tn man made it to age 44 without having a job. Now he has been in his first job for a year and bc it’s the perfect job for him he enjoys it and is thriving. I wonder if he will stick with it for years.

  79.  #79Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    #9 Boomer
    Aww thank you! (hugs)
    I had my feet thrown in the air… not the best, but an orgasm I didn’t have to give myself, or 3 or them, is nothing to sneeze at… get laid every 4 months whether you need it or not I say…lol

    I’m not weirded out yet… But it’s early he just left. He looked way different from pics… Oh yeah, did I mention I’m a S.L.U.T.? This was our first face to face meeting…

    I could feel bad about that a bit..

    I’m not sure I want to see him again. he’s VERY sweet and kind but physically not what I’m normally attracted to.. and almost feminine in his mannerisms.. If he hadn’t just done me several times I’d have thought him gay…

    His belt was fancier than any of mine (shiny silver concho thing too)..

    I’m back to feeling just tired of the online thing… It’s such a big deal to meet living as remote as I do…

    I don’t know how he felt about me.. I worry that he could be fonder of me than I of him.. but if that’s not the case and I never hear from him again there’s a chance I’ll become despondent and attached but I’m trying to start telling myself a different story…

    Of course I may be back here in an hour in tears and in love with him…

    It would be really good if I could just avoid that crap…

    Thank you for the orgasms wish… I received them..lol..


  80.  #80Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Daria, I feel interested in hearing more about where you are now with alcohol if you feel inspired to share. Do you drink at all? I feel a lot of curiosity about this topic as I have very little experience with drinking and it comes up in dating.

  81.  #81Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    okay weirdness.. I posted a comment.. it’s not showing up.. I hit the back button and reposted it and it said it was a duplicate… but neither one is here…
    I don’t don’t think I said anything to get moderated… It didn’t say moderated..

  82.  #82Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    It just won’t post… I tried to repost it…

  83.  #83Daria on April 1, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    I call myself irresponsible, unsuccessful, eccentric, weird, crazy, off balance, impractical, unable to self care, immature, parasitical/dependent

    And then I hire other people to beat me up with them

    And they’re not true!

  84.  #84Daria on April 1, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    I told cd on the phone… I don’t want to be criticized or be advised on my life choices. If I want advice I will ask.

    I said I want to be encouraged… And umm. Praised.

    He says I’m not criticizing I’m a realist.

    I said I respect that and I don’t want that in my life. So if you don’t thunk you can stop relating to me in that way right now, I don’t want to speak to you.

    None of thus was said rudely or threateningly, just matter of fact, kind and open… And I was ready to hang up the phone when he stopped it completely.


    Yay me!

  85.  #85Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Kaitlyn – It’s ok. I caused one to go to and still missed the shit out of him. You know what? If you feel your feelings and if this guy is meant to be, HE WILL COME BACK.

    And you just focus on you until he or someone else comes in and walks into the sunset with you.

    I know it’s hard. Its no fun.

    Cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuem. And you can own your part for sure. But don’t take on his. Please don’t.

    There was something in there that wasn’t working way before you cheated I am sure. dig through that so that you can make sure to make difference choices about things in the future.

    It’s ok. You are not a whore. I feel sad to hear you talk about yourself like that.

    NO BEATING YOURSELF UP pretty lady.

    You are worth so much more than that. We all make mistakes. and BAD ones at times. Doesn’t mean we aren’t lovable.

  86.  #86Daria on April 1, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Luzydel – yes of course you’re feeling scared! That’s ok!

    My experience is that yea, the same stuff shows up, but in much more manageable form… It’s magic!

    And you don’t have to understand Why.

    You just have to stop!

    And you Can and you Will!

    And now you get to practice. The way to heal it is through practice. You are stronger than you think. You’ve already said no to this mans crumbs. That is a huge step!

    Next time will be much much easier, you’ll see

  87.  #87Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    SLV!!! I was a Mother Earth News fan too! Had a subscription all through my teen years! Do you remember there was a match-making section in the back? I looked for my husband in those pages…. but alas most of them were way older than me (hehe, naturally, since I was a teenager! lol). Wow, brings back memories. I even wrote a song about the “cabin in the mountains” where we would live. 🙂

  88.  #88Mel on April 1, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Does anyone have a recommendation for an uplifting/inspirational book?

    It could be fiction or non-fiction, preferably non-religious.

    Nothing about men or fixing my marriage though. I need a break from that! 😀

    I just want to read something to make me feel happy!

  89.  #89Lisa on April 1, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    You all are making me soooo excited for the IKEA store opening in Denver. I need the odds and ends to decorate my loft apt. The prices you mention sound wonderful!! I am going online to check it out for fun.

    I feel nervous as a guy who is interested in me from a dating website wants to drive 2 and a half hrs to come see me on my night off. Unfortunately he has tried to steer towards sexual conversation, so I am feeling the pressure he may expect that if he comes all that way. He is handsome and I feel attracted to his pics. I would consider a fwb if nothing else transpired, but I feel that is devaluing me. Hmmm…

  90.  #90Daria on April 1, 2011 at 2:28 pm

    Ever since I have started thanking myself, I’ve found myself naturally doing some of the things I wanted to do for myself for so long!

    Like taking baths!

    The apple cider vinegar baths I took to get rid of whatever licy bugs I was feeling… I believe helped bring on my period!

    I am so happy! Thank you so much Daria for everything you do for me.

  91.  #91Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:29 pm


  92.  #92Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    okay…. WTF?
    When I post the thing I want to it won’t even reload the page down to the bottom… but the other 3 posts do… just like normal…WTF?


  93.  #93Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    #87 Mel..
    Hypnotizing Maria by Richard Bach… GREAT book.. short..fast.. VERY uplifting.. written as fiction but cracked my head open (taught me lots of stuff…lol)

  94.  #94Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Okay… if there’s a moderator watching my post go in for the 4th or 5th time could you send me an email.. IDK WHAT could be offensive in it.. no cuss words.. are we not allowed to say the word “orgasm”?..
    Let’s see…

  95.  #95Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Oh look.. that didn’t do it… WTF?.. there’s no cuss words.. email/links… NOTHING.

  96.  #96Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    In college philosophy class I got the whole class stirred up by saying we don’t do anything we don’t want to. Hehe people were so triggered and the discussion got intense w everyone “against” me except the professor who was intrigued by the convo. After class he asked me to switch my major to philosophy (but I didn’t). 🙂

  97.  #97Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Daria and SLV and SS, I really appreciate you reviving these memories! This is just what I needed! I need to “remember” the free and confident and passionate me. I Don’t have to buy into society’s pattern. I didn’t when I was younger – why should I now? What good timing this all is! This week my therapist said that excitement and fear are two sides of the same coin – so when we are feeling pulled back and forth btwn them, we can Choose excitement over fear. I choose excitement about my future.

  98.  #98Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Okay… I’m gonna try and be sneaky…

    #9 Boomer
    Aww thank you! (hugs)
    I had my feet thrown in the air… not the best, but an orgasm I didn’t have to give myself, or 3 or them, is nothing to sneeze at… get laid every 4 months whether you need it or not I say…lol

    I’m not weirded out yet… But it’s early he just left. He looked way different from pics… Oh yeah, did I mention I’m a S.L.U.T.? This was our first face to face meeting…

    I could feel bad about that a bit..

    I’m not sure I want to see him again. he’s VERY sweet and kind but physically not what I’m normally attracted to.. and almost feminine in his mannerisms..

    see if this posts.. then I’ll finish it.

  99.  #99Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    #9 Boomer
    Aww thank you! (hugs)
    I had my feet thrown in the air… not the best, but an orgasm I didn’t have to give myself, or 3 or them, is nothing to sneeze at… get laid every 4 months whether you need it or not I say…lol

    I’m not weirded out yet… But it’s early he just left. He looked way different from pics… Oh yeah, did I mention I’m a SLUT? This was our first face to face meeting…

    I could feel bad about that a bit..

    I’m not sure I want to see him again. he’s VERY sweet and kind but physically not what I’m normally attracted to.. and almost feminine in his mannerisms..

    I’m back to feeling just tired of the online thing… It’s such a big deal to meet living as remote as I do…

    I don’t know how he felt about me.. I worry that he could be fonder of me than I of him.. but if that’s not the case and I never hear from him again (oh and in the 30 min I’ve been trying to post this he’s called) there’s a chance I’ll become despondent and attached but I’m trying to start telling myself a different story…

    Of course I may be back here in an hour in tears and in love with him…

    It would be really good if I could just avoid that crap…

    Thank you for the orgasms wish… I received them..lol..

    Love U

  100.  #100Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Wow it was the word SLUT with periods in between the letters that messed it up… who’d’a thunk it…good to know

  101.  #101Lisa on April 1, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Going to Qdoba to cd myself, and there are always cute guys there after skiing on the mountain. I love this new Qdoba : )

  102.  #102Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Mel, I highly recommend Harry Potter. Those books were a godsend for my kids and me through some difficult years. I read aloud to my kids every word of all seven books. Great times!

  103.  #103Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    @86: Lucy says:
    “…SLV!!! I was a Mother Earth News fan too! Had a subscription all through my teen years! Do you remember there was a match-making section in the back?…”

    Yes! I had a huge stack of Mother Earth News publications. There was nothing else like them. They were fascinating!! I was a little older than teenage and I wrote to one of those guys, only one though. He didn’t respond to me.

    I had forgotten about that. Weird thing, like months and months later somebody sent me a note that he had an overwhelming response and was digging his way out. hahaha 😆

    He was my very first “poof.” The guy disappeared before I even saw him. It seems so funny and fun now. Way before online dating.

    I think the note was sent by a woman? Maybe he picked her to be his bride. 😆
    There were a lot of people going to Belize in those days; I think that’s were he was, or he was heading there.

    “…Wow, brings back memories…”

    Wow is right! For some reason I thought there was no more Mother Earth News; it was kind of ahead of its time… no Internet then. Now,,, it’s right on time, alternative energy, self-sufficiency, living off the grid and all! It will be fun to see what’s going on these days; I took a glance and saw videos on the web site!

    “I even wrote a song about the “cabin in the mountains” where we would live….”

    You may go there yet… 😀


  104.  #104Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    I’m feeling so excited and energetic and ABLE TO FOCUS THE ENERGY ON ME!!!

    I am not hoping that someone will ask me to hang out… i did a lil earlier, two men asked me but didn’t come through.. and i feel RELIEVED

    because i want to do stuff for me, like LAUNDRY

    and now i just vacuumed the hall and computer room! THANK YOU DARIA!

    Thank You Daria for taking a vinegar bath today!

    Thank you for making lemon water for me!

    Thank you for feeding me yummy food!

    Thank you for giving me herb tincture!

  105.  #105Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Thank you for doing CONSTANT EFT for me so much yesterday and the day before.

    Thank you for loving me up!!!


  106.  #106Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Thank you for moving my plant that wasn’t feeling well from my money corner, and taping up some dollars on my lamp to make a money tree instead!


    Thank you for scrubbing my blood in cold water (embarassment feleing)

  107.  #107loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Ladybird re24: Thanks for the encouragement. How do you keep yourself from going back on focusing on CDing yourself for a time? I get lonely and then I seek outside myself.

  108.  #108Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Lucy – YOU CAN DO IT!!!

    can you afford a life coach / Law of Attraction coach, like Orna ?

  109.  #109luzydel on April 1, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    Daria True
    I will See If I can handle it, I am just turned off By it. I dont trust men.

  110.  #110Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Mel – The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

  111.  #111loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Re30: Daria

    I think judging is a way of life for me… I feel so unprotected when I don’t. Even now when I search through match I just feel grossed out by most men. I grew up in an abusive home though… so I guess it’s not surprising. How are you feeling today? I appreciate your posts.

  112.  #112Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    @69: Daria

    Sometimes I get overwhelmed too. But it’s encouraging to me and inspiring to see how other people in real life are doing things out of the ordinary. That’s my kind of fun.

    Ravelry dot com can also be overwhelming! And addicting 😉

    “…Are u into natural health? Susun weed is a great resource for me…”

    Thanks. I’m checking out her web site. It looks very interesting and full of goodies!


  113.  #113Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    Prairie Girl – the word “Jes*us” is moderated

  114.  #114Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    @64: Lovely

    Thanks for your kind words. 😀


  115.  #115Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    SLV – how is your sweetie today?!

  116.  #116Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    love is everywhere – 🙂 thank you i feel good to read that.

    Im feeling SOOO GREAT right now 🙂

    i want to encourage you … judging was DEFINITELY a way of life for me. i was proud of most of my judgements. i thought it made me “better than”. but i also believed in equality…

    anyways… the idea is… when we judge someone else, we are ACTUALLY JUDGING A PART OF OURSELVES

    at first this was challenging for me to see, so I just took Rori’s word for it because so much of what she shared was true and worked for me

    now i SEE it happening, as I’m more aware.

    So remember, if you judge a man… then really you’re telling a lil part of you, probably a lil kid part 🙁 that they’re not good enough

    instead, just NOTICE (cuz the judging just happens automatically most of the time)…
    hmm im judging..

    and then ask yourself. how do i FEEL? instead

    ex. “i feel scared, i feel turned off, it reminds me of my 4th grade teacher and i feel angry, etc”

    Noticing is the first step.. and just INTEND to heal it. that’s all you have to do. that, and Don’t expect anything to happen

    if you don’t expect anything to happen, lots of GREAT stuff will happen 🙂

  117.  #117Queenbee on April 1, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Such a great article! I love that – ‘I don’t know why he is not calling’. This feels so freeing. I love the awareness space. Today while feeling down and crappy, I was exploring and planning how I could organise some CDs for next week, I could still feel my anger growing. I decided to workout – me time. After that I just felt amazing and more peaceful! I can CD me at home. I feel so powerful about not needing to analyse and question why he is not calling.

    Thanks Rori!

  118.  #118loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Thanks so much Daria. I notice that I have a lot of criticism of myself happening… so that makes sense. I’m hard on everyone. And then hard on myself for being hard on everyone and myself. It’s a cycle… so I see how being a non judgmental observer of self is the healthiest route. I love that it was just made more clear to me through your post/response. LOVE TO YOU> 🙂

    I’m trying to stop grasping at not just men… but my life in general. 🙂 I feel relived. 🙂

  119.  #119Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    ok lookie – i feel both jealous and judgemental of PG

    she just met a man and had sex

    I haven’t had sex since last summer

    she says, 3very 4 months if you need it or not.

    well, i feel scared that i’m still stuck with my… hold out for 9 month rule i made for myself a few years ago


    i’d like lots of sex, but i dont want heartbreak



    i feel judgemental and surprised that she could sleep with a man and have orgasms and then say she doesn’t feel so attracted to him

    wait, i had one like that too, indiana man. he was a bit feminine in mannerisms, but not that much

    aww my papi 🙂

    i did NOT get attached to him. he was my first lover that i did not get attached to

    sex was nto so good feeling at first, then alright 🙂

    i did feel worshipped though and he was very attractive looking to me and treated me well


    i feel jealous of having 3 or 4 orgasms

    i want to have lots of amazing feeling orgasms!!!

    i want to heal whatever judgements i have on my sexuality! even if i feel afraid i’ll iwnd up being “promiscuous” or a lesbian

    omg so afraid

    thank you DAria


  120.  #120Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    love is everywhere – im practicing not grasping too…

    im doing SOO much better . i used to grasp and hold on for dear life like REALLY REALLY REALLY hard to almost everything. this was a family pattern

    now i’ve healed most of it and it’s starting to heal my family


  121.  #121Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    i feel so good reading your posts to me 🙂 … i feel LUVVED 🙂

    and appreciated…

    and i feel embarassed to share that hehe

  122.  #122loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Daria! So good to hear. I feel hopeful. 🙂

  123.  #123Senior Lady Vibe on April 1, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    @113: Lorelei says:
    “…SLV – how is your sweetie today?!…”

    I’ve been mostly ignoring him. 😳 But he has his reading nook and maybe he went out for a while… 😆 At least guys can’t say I take away their freedom… Maybe I’ll set up some music for him. I used to create reading nooks for myself and have music and headphones also in a tiny cozy space set off to itself.

    How’re your guys?


  124.  #124Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Oh, I am still learning and wondering how to lean back in all the new dating situations I find myself in . . .

    A new potential CD, from online, who lives about an hour away . . . FluteMan, let’s call him . . texted me tonight.

    We’d had a few on-site emails, a few texts, then a phone call last Sunday night. This was a long phone call, in which he spent some time talking about at least 3 of his passions (work and vocation), but he did ask some questions, and we talked for a long time. . . . and it ended with us discussing the possibility of meeting up. After some “old-fashioned” feeling messages he offered to come to my town, but is busy, and said, and I quote, “I’ll work out when I’m free and will email a proposal about when we meet in [your town].”

    So, he had told me what he would be doing next to arrange a meeting, but nothing came in all week.

    I was easily leaning back, partly because he’d said what he would do next. And also partly because although I felt he could be worth meeting (lots of talk about spiritual and personal growth etc, from him), I had two niggles. One was that, afterwards, I felt at gut level, slightly uneasy because there was something in his voice that sounded a bit fake. I can’t explain what or why. But just something that wasn’t ringing quite true. And two, that although his profile said he was a musician, a trainee therapist, and a landscape architect, from our conversation, he admitted that in reality things are not quite that. Although he has a CD out, and has toured in the States, some years ago, it’s not really happening at the moment; he has done one year’s therapy training, but “for various reasons is taking a year out;” and he’s not worked as a landscape architect for quite a while. He earns money as a “driver” – ie, a high class taxi service. So although he made a lot of claims to be very spiritual, and in to shamanic dance, and all sorts of interesting stuff, I feel nervous and felt more hesitant about him after the call than during it.

    Anyway, he’s just texted me, 5 days after the phone call in which there has been no contact as I’m leaning back, saying, “Just wondered whether the lapse in connection between us is intentional or just liminal? So, if free, would love to hear from you unless you have other plans.”

    How do I go on leaning back, without saying “but you said you’d email a suggestion for a meeting – I’ve been expecting that – have you forgotten? I don’t want to be blamed for the lapse in connection.” [If you were excited, you would have texted or called again, or sent the invitation you said you would!!!!!!! I feel irritated that you haven’t done what you said you would, and I was wondering if some of what you said was a bit “off” somehow.] Obviously , I’m not going to send this . . .

    I don’t know what to say… again.. all these new things throw me into being like a rabbit in the headlights.

    I didn’t care whether I heard from him again. It feels complicated.

    This is someone I’ve never met. How about: “I was expecting your promised email about a meet up and didn’t want to pressurise you . . . no lapse in connection intended!” But it sounds and feels like a subtle telling off. Is it? Feeback welcome.

  125.  #125Daria on April 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Lorelei – wow I feel surprised to hear that… i was feeling a bit put off not having heard back from you about plans…

  126.  #126loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    I’m feeling lighter. I’m going to make a God box today to put my worries and concerns into… to give them over and release them.

  127.  #127Lilybelle on April 1, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    28: Lone Plum,

    This is what I desire..

    “never wear out the words I love you or your beautiful..”

    Actually, the whole song is what I desire.


    It’s on it’s way, I FEEL it.

  128.  #128Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    121 SLV

    Glad sweetie is OK, and you’re giving him his boy space!!

    My guys . . my animi are all great . . really looking after me and helping me look after myself.

    My CD guys are not all so great . .

    WaveMan . . I do need to do a long riff, and will (tho’ very much too tired and up late now to do so) but I have lost the connection with him, and feel very sad, as he was very supportive and kind and made me feel great. . most of the time, until it went wrong and it felt bad – for both of us . . long story . . will riff about it soon. But after daily contact for 4 or 5 months, suddenly silence for the last 10 days hurts . . but I kind of accept it . . . and I will get through it . . it hurts to lose his support, and, yes, care, but it was LD, and too much texting created the illusion of knowing each other that, in the end, was too different from the face-to-face realities.

    ZenMan . . after the offer of more regular meetings and the half-serious offer of a dirty weekend in Venice, and my fun, feeling-filled messages that it might be a bit to soon for Venice but tell me more about more regular meetings . . has vanished without trace. It must be at least 6 weeks now, but I don’t care at all. Maybe it was the dirty weekend in Venice he was really interested in! He’s very in his head, very academic, and I kind of had all that with my husband.

    TeaMan . . . dodgy on-line beginning, I set a really clear boundary about not seeing him until he’s got the first legal half of the divorce done, and moved out of marital home . . I get occasional email progress reports from him still – he seems to be progressing living arrangements and legal processes, and he hopes I will still be free and interested when he “meets my criteria.”

    I have a new CD this week – coffee on Tuesday, and an Saturday evening all arranged . . . don’t know how I feel about him, but he seems to want to see me . . and has stepped up to some feeling messages . . not really my type (though am practicing being open) but seems fun!

    And FluteMan, as above . .

    Oh, and a 31yo admirer from salsa . . who likes older women and has a number of older female friends . . sent me presents for my birthday, wants to take me to lunch . . want to help me decorate my new house when I find it . . keeps texting . . don’t know what to do about him . . I’d left school before he was born!!!!

    I’m really getting a lot out of the “Calling in ‘The One'” book, and processing a lot of stuff that I feel desperate/hopeful will clear some of my blocks . .

    This feels like a report – but you did ask! Thanks for asking. xx

  129.  #129Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    Lorelei – I had a similar situation last week and simply was honest and short and to the point in my text back.

    I text -” I am suprised to hear from you. It felt bad when I didn’t hear from you yesterday. ”

    He had told me he was going to get back to me with a time for the weekend the next day and didn’t. I simply left anything that had to do with him out of it and just shared feelings.

    That’s it. He responded very well. And made up for it and scheduled a date immediately. I was shocked.

    lol, BE SUPRISED!

  130.  #130Lilybelle on April 1, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    56: SLV

    I LOVE the idea of the rings. I placed some photos I have framed of lilacs in bloom and flowering crab trees, along with a book with phrases about love. I also have the word “Love” hanging from the curtain rod. It’s a metal thingy on a red ribbon. I actually think it was a Christmas ornament..
    Hey, I have some heart shaped ornaments… hmmmmm

  131.  #131Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Daria 123 and Angel Lady 127

    Thanks for suggestions . . it’s gone midnight here now, and I’m going to lean back a bit more (tee hee) and will text something like these tomorrow morning! It feels good to learn to text short and simple and honest!

  132.  #132Lilybelle on April 1, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    61: Boomer~

    I have never shopped at IKEA. Wanna reach over here and smack me? I just took a peek at the site and now know where to go for additions to my home, when I move to the new place.

    I admit, I covet all things Pottery Barn, but they aren’t in my budget.

  133.  #133loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    re126: Lorelei

    I don’t know you here yet… but I enjoyed the update.
    I’m still working through “Call in the One” as well. Made it halfway through a few months ago… and I just felt more loved in general. How far in are you? 🙂

  134.  #134Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I’m on a new dating site . . even though it’s a UK-based site, the weird thing is I’m getting a lot of approaches from men in the USA, who are 13-15 years older than me. Why?

    And I’ve had a number of responses, also, where the man basically says “You a fascinating/really well-written/beautiful/appealing profile. Good luck in your search.”

    How am I supposed to respond to that? One has just written “I doubt you’ll have any problem finding what you seek. Obviously I would like…. but I’m not going to go there. Best wishes for your future.” WTF is that about?

    I feel tempted to reply, “Oh go on, go there!” But that’s telling him what to do . . .

    Or, “Well, I feel very appreciated and secretly thrilled by your liking for what I’ve written . . . what was that you were saying about ‘obviously I would like’ . .? I couldn’t quite catch it . . “

  135.  #135loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 4:27 pm


    I have written back things as simple as… ” I feel intrigued….”

  136.  #136Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    131 – hi Loveiseverywhere!

    Nice to meet you. Have you finished Calling in ‘The One.’?

    I’m just about to do the Release Ceremony – will do it tomorrow – at the end of Chapter 3. I’ve been doing chapters 2 and 3 slowly, as there is a lot of stuff for me to process, and, I was feeling very overwhelmed by some of the old stuff that needed addressing, again. None of my older stuff is new to me, but I needed to take these chapters slowly, as I was getting very upset in parts – all part of the healing.

    I love having a special box into which I put words and images about my soul partner, and stuff I’m gathering for an intention . . feels good, and when I feel low I go through the stuff in the box to speak the visioning again.

  137.  #137Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    oops, sorry Loveiseverywhere – I misread you at 131, and realise that you said there you got about half way through CITO. I’m very tired, it is half past midnight and I feel blurry, so will say goodnight!

  138.  #138Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Daria, thanks for your encouragement. 🙂 Feels good. No, I don’t seem to have money for a coach. Don’t even have a working computer right now.

  139.  #139loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    Loreli- re143

    I got stuck around the release ceremony… read a little past it… but never did the ceremony. I think it’s very telling that I didn’t. I didn’t feel ready. I’m very interested in hearing how you feel after you complete yours! 🙂

  140.  #140Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 4:35 pm


    I am feeling confused by how to find a balance between being an open, warm, invitation and not sharing every feeling I have so that I don’t snap as soon as I see someone if I feel frustrated and shoving feelings and being warm and welcoming when I have feelings about things.

    I have watched modern siren and reconnect and it seems there is a balance to be found here that I am not quite catching onto. Especially in regards to this article…. it seems there is conflicting information on leaning back and working through our feelings and letting men figure things out… and not just being nice all the time.

    ??? I am not sure if my post makes sense, but I would love to find a balance here. Cause I want to be warm, open and welcoming, but I also have some bad feelings going on about things.

    Feeling confused on how to handle it when I see JJ again.

    Oh! Good feelings about 2nd date with new CD tomorrow. Because he is a new guy, all this work is going over very well. He is taking initiative, being very respectful, sweet and taking care of me well so far. Even my feelings for so early on. It’s refreshing.

    It’s so much easier with new guys then ones I have patterns with.

  141.  #141Lorelei on April 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    137 – Loveiseverywhere

    I’ll post about the release ceremony, assuming I manage to do it!

  142.  #142Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    I am aware that I still am so concerned about the outcome. I think that is why I am stressing about next meetings.

    I feel focused on the future, outcomes and what HE feels. I get to shift to PRESENT, NOW, HOW I FEEL and taking care of that. Let whatever other chips fall where they may.


    Thank you ME for my awareness. Thank you ME for loving myself so much that I am willing to work on me. Thank you ME for the wonderful relationship I am making room for in my self.

    Thnk you ME for taking such good care of me.


  143.  #143loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    re: 139 Lorelei

    I feel confident that you will! 😉

  144.  #144loveiseverywhere on April 1, 2011 at 4:53 pm


  145.  #145Daria on April 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Thank you Daria for sorting the laundry .

    Thank you fir putting in a first load for me.

    Thank you for vacuuming my room.

    Thank you for laying diwn now when I feel tired.

    thank you for getting me a cup of water .

    Thank you for brushing my hair and rubbing my head.

  146.  #146Daria on April 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Thank you for expressing so clearly and decidedly when CDs jokes and comments were lowering my self esteem !

    Thank you for really standing up for me like that and demanding good treatment.

    Thank you for takin the sheets off the bed.

    Thank you for making yarrow tincture to make sued no bugs get in the bed.

  147.  #147luzydel on April 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm

    I feel sad, an ex boyfriend who I found via FB is in big trouble. He had a domestic dispute with his wife, he is accused of hitting her. I cannot believe he did something like that, when we dated he never treated me bad, he never raised his voice to me or hit me, we dated for two years. I left him because I met my ex husband then, and even then he never acted aggressive. For what I heard from someone is that the wife is very jealous and controlling, I dont know what to think. it is not my problem, but I feel sad for him, he is a nice guy.

  148.  #148luzydel on April 1, 2011 at 6:15 pm

    have any of you tried http://www.lavalife.com, I just joined and its free hoping is not another POF

  149.  #149Aly on April 1, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    I have lost so many brain cells worrying about why one particular man would call, then stop calling and when I would finally hear from him again…lol

    Realize that that puts him in control. It gives him this false power.

    It is like the lure of your favorite junk food, or that shirt that you really want but is over-priced. Neither this man, nor the junk food, nor the shirt have any real force. They are just mental illusions..

    The only truth of life is pure love. Pure love comes from men who never forget to call and who bring you flowers for no reason… from fruits and veggies and from the super cute top that is on sale for 5 bucks!

  150.  #150LD on April 1, 2011 at 7:23 pm


    Re #48

    “I don’t pay it attention in that way. I just assume they want to make me happy. If they don’t, they’ll disappear.”

    Thanks, I love this way of looking at it. When they disappear it is a GOOD thing cuz they didn’t want to make me happy. So that makes room for someone who does want to make me happy…

  151.  #151Lilybelle on April 1, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    My vibe is off a touch. It’s funny how when it’s where it should be, the men who contact me via dating site, are plentiful. It’s been off for the last couple days and have received a half dozen each day AND at least half of them, have fish in the photo with them. Ugh. Bless them.

    I feel stressed with work. This is the reason for the off vibe. My attention is focused elsewhere. I am traveling next week to AZ with the CEO, VP of Sales and Regional Sales Manager to out largest customer, who I am the Sr. Acct Manager. I am expected to speak during introductions about who I am, what I do, what value I add to the relationship and basically, brag. I feel uncomfortable with this concept. And, I feel intimidated which is not a normal feeling for me.

    So while focusing on all of this, my focus has surely been away from being a Siren. Somehow, I should be able to CD these big shots while traveling. I am the girl and they will treat me as such, I won’t have to worry about anything..not one red cent. I just need to find a way to get back into my vibe, and remember that I can do this.

    How to take the focus off work, and put it back into the whole again? Ugh

  152.  #152Lilybelle on April 1, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    I am tired, and suck at typing, spelling and thinking right now. Forgive typos.
    Another big UGH for me.

  153.  #153Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 8:09 pm

    Or sometimes they may Want to make us happy but they know they are (currently) not Able to make us happy, so they disappear. That was WH. He even verbalized it that way. Good for him! I feel blessed.

  154.  #154Simply Shannon on April 1, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Ok. I have finally reached that place where I’m okay alone. I’ve tried to do good and follow the rules but freakin’ A. Going out with a man I do not feel attracted is for the effin’ birds.

    God All Mighty. Fo real.

    And I even followed the rule about letting him kiss me if I’m not repulsed. I didn’t realize how repulsed I was until he went in for the kiss. All I could manage was a peck. And no tongue. I couldn’t do it.


    He was a blind date from a friend and how do I tell her or him what I really thought? He’s a nice guy.


    He reminded me of my ex father in law. A younger version.


    I am totally freaked out.

    I do not want to go out with him again but I said I felt open to it when he asked. WTF??

    Ok, maybe I would go out with him again but no more kissing and not romantically.

    I swear to Christmas my head might be spinning around like the Exorcist right now.

    I feel freaked out!!!

  155.  #155Simply Shannon on April 1, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    And now I’m laughing at myself. Thank God for this blog. Helps me to get it out and then maybe construct sentences which I might be capable of uttering aloud to another human being.

    Phew. Okay, going to bed. No sense trying to exorcise the demon tonight.

    Still feeling a little freaked out.

    Why the hell can I not speak the truth.

    Dude, I am not attracted to you.

    Frig and frak.

    Oh well.


  156.  #156kaitlyn on April 1, 2011 at 8:17 pm

    95 Lucy

    Basically, you were discussing free will. And I have no idea why the other students didn’t see that as a normal topic for Philosophy class.

  157.  #157nanceen on April 1, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Someone please say hello. I am sick with despair.

  158.  #158Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Kaitlyn, I must not have told the story accurately. Nanceen, hello. Shannon, the way I handle that now is by having a very broad definition of “repulsed.” Really, it’s simply the antonym of “attracted” – so yeah, we can often be aware of being repulsed even before we meet. Works for me.

  159.  #159Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    Nanceen, you okay?

  160.  #160sweetmandm on April 1, 2011 at 8:59 pm

    @ 66 Daria- “I want a man who can support me with practicality and resources, while I do my rainbow woman dance.” One of my favorite quotes and my favourite quote of the day. I am going to post it on my bathroom mirror, only revised with my personal version of the “rainbow woman dance!”

    HUG 🙂

  161.  #161sweetmandm on April 1, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Congratulations SLV! 🙂

    Praying the very best for you, in this next part of your adventure! 😉

  162.  #162nanceen on April 1, 2011 at 9:08 pm

    no no no Im not.

  163.  #163Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    What’s going on?

  164.  #164nanceen on April 1, 2011 at 9:26 pm

    You dont know the whole history but I am struggling financially. Unemployed, trying to keep up my mortgage. A male friend I have known since practically childhood needed a place to rent for just five days a week. Excitedly I told my boyfriend and he got all incensed. pressured me to say no. And I desperately need the money. Have no health insurance and have needs. Sump pump is broken and I have to shower and use bathroom at my sisters home.

  165.  #165Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    Nanceen does your boyfriend live w/you – help w/your expenses? If no then his vote doesn’t count in my not so humble opinion..

    What’s the problem? Seriously? How can a BF who ISN”T paying your bills (if indeed he is not, but it sounds like if he is it’s not enough) tell you what to do in YOUR world?

    Feel free to disregard this… it is, as I said the 2 cents worth of a 46 yo beeootch…but.. one who has (and is) survived VERY desperate financial times herself..

    Maybe a wiser siren will give some more substantial advice…

    Angels on your body

  166.  #166Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    okay… knock on wood but I’m still not freaking out about the sex…

    yee haw!… But tomorrow IS a new day.. lol

  167.  #167Prairie Girl on April 1, 2011 at 9:43 pm

    (hugs) Daria..
    You are a gorgeous rockin’ siren and I appreciate your presence on this blog so much..
    Angels on your body

  168.  #168Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 9:44 pm

    Nanceen, well I suppose then your bf has the opportunity to meet those needs and if he can do so then you won’t need a tenant, right? So you can express this with feeling msgs and don’t wants: “I feel scared and stressed about my finances. I feel weary of not having a shower. Etc. I don’t want to feel this way. What can we do to solve this problem?”

  169.  #169Alicia on April 1, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    I love this!

    My friend was dating a nero surgeon and he was the same way. He would like text once a week and ask for a date once a week. He WAS truly, truly soooo busy.. She didnt like the way that felt tho – no communication.. I think she told him she wanted to know she was thought of, but.. she never used feeling words and they didnt last long!

    I’m going to copy and paste to her right now 😉

    This is my favorite part of the article by Rori!

    “”He’s always had the SAFETY and the EXCUSE of the anger…and now he knows he either has to pick up the ball or keep making excuses. And so he’s just sitting there. Without your ball-carrying – he has nothing to REACT to!””

    And also this.. “”” Once he knew what I needed him to do (tho I didn’t put it that way) – he created a routine so he could make me happy regardless of what he was feeling or not feeling.””

    Love it!

    p.s. – I love being back at work.. Oh my gosh even Sirens need to feel like they have a purpose and the income flowing in makes me feel way more self assured. Moving on up.. song is my head from GOOD TIMES!

  170.  #170Alicia on April 1, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    oppsie I meant *neurosurgeon

  171.  #171Daria on April 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    For me there’s a huge … Huge area between repulsed and attracted.

    This helps me cd men and heal stuff.

    I feel triggered reading the way Lucy defines it because just not feeling attraction right away does Not equal repulsed.

    Although I have had repulsed feelings kissing a guy. Twice. And I did not date those men.

    But I have had neutral and good feelings kissing a man I was not feeling attracted to sexually.

    I’ve even had feelings grow with kissing.

    Also a couple nights ago, I accepted a date with a guy I didn’t feel attracted to and by the end I felt it a lol bit. Yay!

    All the practice I do is to open myself up to growing attraction with men who are unlike the toxic ones in the past.

  172.  #172Daria on April 1, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    Thanks prairie girl :). Love to u 🙂

  173.  #173Daria on April 1, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    Sweetmadam – thank you :). Hugs back! I feel excited you like that, I feel affirmed. I will start sharing this with men, that I want that.

  174.  #174Daria on April 1, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    I feel so stuck reading lucys post. It’s like I want to change her mind.

    Why? Because I feel uncomfortable reading it.

    What’s going on? I want to change My mind.

    I want to change my mind that I’ll never be attracted to a good man.

    That a good man will feel smothering like my highschool boyfriend.

    I feel guilty.

    That a good man is the kind of man that allows me to take the lead and just supports me,

    Yes I want to feel supported, but I don’t want to take the lead.

    Is that what happens when a man falls in love?

    All 3 men that have been in love and would have married me, my highschool bf, Spain man, and hovering man,

    I was the ‘brains’ of the operation. I decided what we’d do, we did whatever I wanted .

    But I didn’t feel attracted I felt bored.


    So I Think I’m supposed to open up to a good man like that, and I’m like noooooo.

    Even yesterday’s cd might fall in that pattern, he wasn’t leading abd we were both in the boat. And when he did make suggestions I found myself compelled to overide them.

    ( that pizza place? Oh I like the Other one)

    I did well and said I feel bored.

    Several times. He’s like how can I entertain you. I said I don’t know.

    At one point I got up and took a walk.. This was my focus on self, but I did wait for him.

    When I didn’t know where to go, I stopped and we stood on the streetcorner doing nothing.

    Lol. Then he took the lead, but I felt kinda ignored a bit.

    lots to practice 🙂

    I am doing well 🙂

    Maybe these men are feminine energy and I’m associating that with good men.

    Maybe a good man feels different like my ‘flyer’ my imaginary lover (Slv I got one too)

  175.  #175Angel Lady on April 1, 2011 at 11:12 pm


    I feel compassion for you right now. Such deep security fears can be overwhelming. I don’t know much about your situation, but I too believe that if you have a means to support yourself better right now, you should take it.

    If your man is not able to, or not willing to help you with your financial situation, then it is imperitive that you take care of yourself.

    Remember that the men in our lives are supposed to ADD to us, not take away from what we can give ourselves.

    I can understand his insecurities, but you don’t need to live your life or lose your house over them.

    I have made that mistake once, and you know what… the man is gone. I should have taken better care of myself.

    Sending really good vibes and prayers for total abundance for you!

    If the universe is sending you a gift, don’t say no. Be a yes to the universe helping you handle your situation.

  176.  #176Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Umm Daria, you are adding a ton of story to what I wrote. I feel kinda frustrated about that.

  177.  #177Lucy on April 1, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    I hate when my words are misconstrued and then argued with in their misconstrued form. Argh. It’s like, I don’t want to have to deal with this.

  178.  #178nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 12:03 am

    Thank you everyone. I could not see the posts right away, only till now.

    No he does not live with me. I would not let him. He is a tenured professor. Today he gave me 120 to pay for my car insurance. I thanked him. I turned around and paid 173 on my water bill and 249 on my car repair. $17 left in checking account. He would like to stay here sometimes. Then he says no. Too many cats, too catty. Then he does want to. Then he does not want to.

    I am worn out. I tried speeches. He gets vague or annoyed. This man is a stone I have broken myself on. Today in a coffee shop in Manhattan he said something that crushed me. My tears blinded me. I just couldnt take it anymore and walked out no purse, no money, no coat. I have never done that ever in my life. I walked across like six lanes and leaned against his car. He came out a few minutes later and accused me of being psycho. Part of me is f–king enraged and glad I did that the other part of me just feels like a complete idiot.

  179.  #179Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 12:07 am

    Hello Sirens!

    I miss you all! I have been super busy.

    I didn’t exactly drop the ball, but nevertheless, I felt like I had some significant progress tonight in my broken relationship with Ryan. Sometimes I lean back until I can’t stand it any more, and then I initiate. Baby steps. Here’s how it went:

    9:39 pm B: Hi Ryan, on a scale of one to ten, how much do you hate me?

    9:41 pm R: Zero. I don’t hate you.

    9:42 pm B: Big smile, thank you! 🙂 How are you?

    9:43 pm R: Fine

    9:45 pm R: How r u?

    9:47 pm B: I feel so happy about how well my job is going! I love it! And a lil bit lonely.

    9:54 pm B: I like bipolar bears.

    10:34 pm B: How come you don’t want to be around me?

    10:41 pm R: Because of all that has happened and all the false stuff you believe about me.

    10:45 pm B: Well, it won’t ever get resolved unless we sit down and calmly talk about it in detail. But it would feel so good to just leave it in the past. What do you think?

    10:52 pm R: I can’t leave it in the past, because I have been wrongly accused of a lot of stuff I didn’t do.

    10:57 pm B: Well, Ryan, this friendship is worth fighting for. I treasure you. I am willing to go thru the discomfort of facing conflicts with you. It will never get resolved thru text, tho. We’re talking about THE deepest hurt I ever went thru, that has taken 1.5 years for me to just start to feel normal. I have logged thousands of hours in processing the pain, confusion, and vulnerability. But I am willing to resolve things peaceably. What do you think?

    11:07 pm R: I can’t do that right now.

    11:09 pm B: I don’t want to pressure you, even tho I know I do at times. When and if you are ready, I am open. It sure would help me find some peace to understand what was going on in your mind at various junctures. I have tortured myself trying to figure out why things were done and said that made zero sense. What do you think?

    11:16 pm R: We can talk about it later. It would help me a lot to do that if I had a copy of those notes you made on your side of the story.

    11:19 pm B: Thanks, Ryan! That feels good to hear. I will be more than happy to compile all my notes in one place and give them to you. Above all, I accept you exactly the way you are. You are a very strong, genius, intuitive man with rare gifts.

    This is progress, to say he is willing to discuss it in the future. I recently told him I have kept a detailed journal of our relationship ever since it started. This is the second time he expressed interest in reading what I had to say.

    My concern is that he will read it and then shut down, and I’ll still be left not knowing what he thinks and feels. Like once before, a few months after he broke up with me, he agreed to go to my therapist with me. I got all excited, thinking he was going to work on our relationship. Instead, he just started hurling accusations at me in front of my counselor, then left the session early. He made no effort at conflict resolution. He was just there to try to embarrass me. But I had been so deeply honest with the therapist, that nothing came as a surprise to her that he said.

  180.  #180nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 12:08 am

    I like what you said Angel “I understand your insecurities but I can’t lose my life or house over this”.

  181.  #181aradea on April 2, 2011 at 12:14 am

    Hi Sirens!
    I’ve been reading all your posts, but haven’t had a chance to write lately… Moved to a new, less costly, and wonderful apt, had another lovely trip with travel guy CD, and am focused on working to get in a good $ position before my trip to Europe with Travel CD in a couple weeks.

    Iowa is talking about me meeting his kids… I am freaked, partly cuz I do really care for him and see him as a potential good partner- once I feel safe about his post divorce healing. After he told me he loves me I had a lil freak out, now the kid intro idea feels a lot the same to me… like we are ‘serious’ and I am not sure WE are ready to be serious. I told I feel good about taking our time on including his kids, since I take that seriously and really want to feel certain we are heading for more permanent ground first. And I think he’s been trying to say in his non-threatening way he wants a more permanent and likely exclusive relationship.

    What do I tell him?
    How I feel about it- DUH
    How do I feel about it?

    I feel SCARED. What if I waste another year and just end up doing exactly the same dumb crap I did last year with Messy EX just-divorced guy? I don’t wanna be trolling match in November all over again, pulling myself out of a broken heart–again.

    Afraid I’ll learn that like my ex hubby, he is a great guy but awful for my spirit… But I know Iowa REALLY, truly, more than any man I’ve ever known or met, cares, notices and deeply considers my feelings. He supports my free spirit, (I am much like Daria in my thoughts regarding a job- I work, but only doing things that interest me, for varying rates of pay…) he wants me to feel happy, relishes the chance to care for and provide for me, wants to spend as much free time as possible with me….

    So all the signs are there.
    He shows me he loves me in every way I desire.
    And yet I feel like “RUN!!! run far and fast, get away!”
    Usually I do.
    I just took a few minutes to sit with my fear, the desire to flee, and realize I feel fearful an exclusive commitment might change things, I might have to be responsible to him, I would have to give up the fun outings with other CD’s, and most of all… I feel like I have exploration and healing to do first, before I can decide wholeheartedly to commit exclusively. Along with plans in the marriage direction, of course- possibly even a ring.

    I don’t wanna give up my travel guy, who flys me to fun locales, plans lovely, romantic evenings with me, and also really cares and considers my feelings. I can’t say I think he wants more than a flirtation and travel companionship, but I am not sure what he wants. And it isn’t my beeswax, right? I only need know how I feel.

  182.  #182Daria on April 2, 2011 at 12:15 am

    Lucy – I have only read the umm Daria part of your message.

    I feel attacked and defensive. I don’t want to feel bad.

    And I don’t want you to feel bad. I don’t want to be taken personally, my triggers have nothing much to do with anyone else personally, even if I’m initially triggered by their comments.

    Feeling angry and afraid and disconnected.

  183.  #183Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 12:25 am


    Talk to me. What’s going on? What happened at the cafe? Get the tenant! Living with a man who is merely a housemate and keeping a roof over your head is better than being homeless and your catters being homeless.

    Love, Brenda

  184.  #184nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Hi Brenda:

    I am crying,I am really glad someone is here.

  185.  #185Daria on April 2, 2011 at 12:27 am

    Nanceen – please take better care of yourself. I feel judgemental and cold, covering up feeling scared… To hear you walked across 6 lanes.

    I feel angry at you.

    This behavior is ‘drama.’. I used to do it all the time.

    Im practicing to undo my old patterns that use drama to
    communicate with a man. So I can express myself and feel powerful without the psychoness/drama.

  186.  #186aradea on April 2, 2011 at 12:29 am

    I just got in from another CD with my messy ex. Yes, we have been taking it slow and easy, having a date every other week or so, talking on the phone a couple times, some texts.
    I feel he is still just as ambivalent about being with me as he was last year, only now I am ambivalent too.
    Other CD’s really try to go out of their way to show me I am important to them, take the lead, plan dates…
    Messy Ex plans dates, but ambivalently there too, like he isn’t sure he can take charge and plan something I’ll like. But I am leaning waayy back, and just openly watching the ball roll minutely with his ambivalent little nudges.
    I was almost ready to drop him from the roster, but he was more communicative this week, more take-charge.
    I know I want to feel cherished in my relationship, like he wants me- for me, and he is sure enough to cross two mountains on foot for me if he had to. Messy ex hasn’t always been willing to cross town for me…
    But he has to now if he wants to see me.

    Sirens, I don’t know whether I am doing the right thing in continuing to date this once toxic guy. I’m immune now, but not sure the exposure is healthy.
    input, anyone?

  187.  #187Angel Lady on April 2, 2011 at 12:30 am


    I am wonderng if you have watched the Toxic Men program? Have you taken the test on your man? Those words and language feel very harsh to me.

    The tools may help you a lot.

    Still picturing abundance flowing through your life!

  188.  #188Daria on April 2, 2011 at 12:32 am

    It doesn’t work to heal us, or empower us and I don’t want it!

    I feel at a loss for words. I feel afraid now. I don’t want to lecture and I feel worried I did.


    How do I feel. Judgemental. Trying to control.

    Can I forgive myself for all the drama I did?


    Yeah it feels overwhelmingly powerful to just do it, especially cuz it feels better than doing nothing and being doormatty.

    I’d feel excited to hear about nanceen CDing soon.

  189.  #189Daria on April 2, 2011 at 12:36 am

    Sorry if I triggered you to feel bad nanceen. 🙁

    I feel surprised at myself and to notice this triggered a ‘control’ response for me where I try to control the other person by shaming them. I do this often, maybe I learned it as a kid from being treated that way.

    It comes up often in my life from others too. Wow this feels exciting to expand my awareness on.

  190.  #190nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 12:38 am

    Still up Brenda?

  191.  #191Angel Lady on April 2, 2011 at 12:39 am

    Aradea- (laughing) But I am leaning waayy back, and just openly watching the ball roll minutely with his ambivalent little nudges ( this is great!) This statedment will lighten me up with my own frustration moving forward.

    I am in a similar situation right now with one of the men I am CDing. I am much more healthy and can see the possibilities with him. I am of the opinion at this point that with new guys it is easier because these new ways of being in us are all they know.

    With a man from the past, there is already patterns there and perceptions of the other. Sooo…. it will take more time to unravel and see changes.

    I am a bit more patient with my Messy Ex for now. It’s only been a couple weeks. I am not going to give it too too much time though if I don’t see some definite steps forward. I will not go back to toxicity. But I believe there is possibility and I will continue to date while I explore.

    So, maybe it’s great practice for you on your boundaries and new ways of being. I am really able to put these tools to the test right now in a big way and feeling really good about myself for it. He doesn’t always make me feel good and if that continues, he will shuffle out. But the practive has been invaluable to my boundary setting and holding and to my self-esteem.


    I hope that helps. just my experience as of today.

  192.  #192Daria on April 2, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Aradea – how do you feel with him?

  193.  #193Angel Lady on April 2, 2011 at 12:43 am

    Good night ladies,

    Thank you for being my connection before bed. There is intimacy here. That feels good to me.

    Even if it’s messy sometimes. (grin)

  194.  #194Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 12:44 am


    That’s insightful what you said about walking across 6 lanes. Nanceen, does what she said resonate with you?

    The way I see it, which is another way of saying what Daria said, is that walking across 6 lanes is a cry for help. Nanceen, what do you think/feel?

    How would it feel to say this to Tenured Professor:

    Look, I want to come across as calm, feminine, together, and patient. But we have known each other for quite some time now, and I am at a place where I need to give you my State of the Nanceen Address.

    I am not making it. I am coming unglued. I am down for the count. I am drowning. If you want a future with me, now is the time to let me know. I’ve waited too many years for you already. But if I wait any longer, you’re going to be romancing a homeless woman.

    I am not able to fix my sump pump, and I am showering and using the bathroom at my sister’s house. I don’t have any money for my every day needs. I need help, please. What do you think?

  195.  #195Lucy on April 2, 2011 at 12:46 am

    Daria, it would feel good to see you not shutting down when a person says “umm,” and being open to hear what the person has to say.

  196.  #196Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 12:48 am


    RE: #188 – You did this once before, asking me every 20 minutes or so if I was still up before you gave me your story. I waited up for you in exhaustion for about an hour and a half before I gave up and went to bed.

    I am waiting up for you now, because I care. If you want to chat with me, chat. I want to go to bed, but I’m here. If you want to email me, please feel free at brendaearthlink@gmail.com.

    I feel your pain. I don’t mean any harshness by what I just said.

    Love, Brenda

  197.  #197Lucy on April 2, 2011 at 12:52 am

    I feel annoyed being explained to about triggers as if I don’t know how triggers work. I feel weary.

  198.  #198Daria on April 2, 2011 at 12:53 am

    Lucy – I feel angry. I feel judged reading ‘umm’ and I feel afraid and then angry.

    I feel angry reading this last post too.

    I did read the other ones after all however.

    But I don’t want to be pressured into doing things like being open to what someone has to say, when I feel pist and closed down and defensive.

    I feel like attacking now, and I don’t want to, so I’m going to take care of me by shifting my attention to stuff that feels good.

  199.  #199Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 12:54 am

    Greetings sirens from over the seas.
    It has been some time since I posted (think R’s Stop Sign) but I wanted to update and share some siren success. And I want to know what to do next!

    Some of you here may remember some serious health challenges i was juggling with the relapsing Imaginary Relationship back a few months ago.You all supported me so much and I made it through.

    Well the good news is the vibe must have healed along with the heart and body. I seem to be knee deep in men!

    CD’s have materialised out of the ether, some recycled , some new. This weekend I have 3 dates , last week 2 others . I currently have 4 men wanting to see more of me and another LD in the wings. Quality men are appearing at every turn.

    I am beginning to get the feelings of discomfort around the numbers and juggling . I have realised this sounds like a little nasty voice saying something like “This is a nice man. You SHOULD be available for him if he asks you out!” “You OWE him availability if he keeps taking you on dates!”

    How do Sirens process and handle this disquiet ? I realise my current popularity makes me feel like withdrawing so i dont hurt anyone or “lead them on” to have expectations I cant meet. This last theme comes from my school days when young women were held responsible for ‘not leading them on” sexually , ( as if the guy was unable to stop himself !)
    I havent exchanged more than quick peck kisses with any of them.(I wonder if I am somehow putting them off trying more intimacy with me?)

    I also have a problem like Shannon @53 . One CD said today to me (V-man) after a gorgeous breakfast by the sea, that he would wait for me to let him know about the next meeting.” He said this as he was about to drive away. He said the same thing a year ago after 2 dates and I did nothing and he disappeared .I was unprepared with the appropriate message. And now part of me feels that he has invited me out twice again recently and paid for expensive meals and concert , that i OWE HIM at least an invitation to see a movie with me or to make him a meal.

    I know he wants a sign from me that I want to see him and that I am interested . What do I do? (I like him:) )
    I did share a FM at dinner last week that I felt uncomfortable chasing men and calling them.
    UUUghhhh..a victim of my own success at CDing for beginners, i now falter at the first hurdle!!!!!

    And we havent even got to kissing yet..

  200.  #200aradea on April 2, 2011 at 12:59 am

    Angel Lady,
    Thank you for your input- it feels good to think about this as a new way to practice boundaries and ways of being. And u r so right in the part about unraveling- I know I feel very different in this current incarnation of dating with him. He was SO certain he wanted to try to get back together, but is dating around as well…. and rather than be flexible if something came up on our planned date night, he would just say, “well, let’s try for next week then. ”

    Iowa would do anything to spend time with me, so pushing a date an hour later wouldn’t persuade him to postpone a week. Rarely a day passes when we don’t talk, text, email, or see each other, or a combination of…. And he wouldn’t settle for seeing me only once a week!
    Messy Ex usually plans a date with me every couple weeks or so- tho I notice he’s been a bit more spontaneous in trying to get together to see me more.

    I like how I feel that Iowa doesn’t want to be away from me for more than a couple days. But also I feel some concern that I might feel smothered by him, if we didn’t have days between time together.
    I like feeling he loves being with me more than anything.

    But I mostly feel good when messy ex and I go out, we enjoy each other’s company, have fun, laugh, and the attraction still exists. And this is GREAT practice in the toughest boot camp for using tools- a relationship with an ex who remembers the overfunctioning, forward leaning, agenda-having girl he dated, and this charming diva of a siren I am now, leaning back, all open, using clear feeling messages in simple direct ways. He has seemed confused at times in what to do, how to act or approach me….
    And I do feel like laughing at that some. It feels good to knock him off balance by really just being the me I always was, only now MORE so- free to say what I feel!
    I feel so powerful
    Not over him, but in myself!
    Libertaing to feel like this.

    Angel Lady, I can’t wait to hear how your situation goes…. and feel so curious about how mine will proceed. Let’s keep comparing notes, eh?

  201.  #201Lorelei on April 2, 2011 at 1:01 am

    So many new experiences with a new, more populated online dating site. I have become really clear with myself that I just will not do LongDistance online. I do not want to rely mostly on text/phone/skype/whatever/
    imagination/illusion with men I do not know and cannot meet quickly and could not meet regularly if we wanted to get to know each other better.

    Now a have a man in Cyprus contacting me . . I replied that I do not want a long distance relationship so will not be taking things any further.

    Now he replies, saying he feels a bit awkward himself now, and how he will visit my home town in May, stay in a hotel of course, so we can meet several times . . . then I can visit Cyprus in the summer, stay in Limossal, even though he lives in Nicossia but has a holiday apartment in Limossol (I have no idea where these places are), and then we will be in a better position to decide if it’s worth taking things further. But he says he will take no reply from me this time as a No. I’m feeling amazed at the persistence.

    My question is this: in my online profile, I do not put all the negatives that I don’t want, but which we see in some profiles, like “I don’t want to meet players, men still carrying divorce baggage, people who are sarcastic and bitter” – often more gently put, but sounds defensive in an online profile.

    But what do Sirens think and feel about putting something in the profile about . . . “I like hearing your voice on the phone more than texts and emails, and I like being able to look into your eyes in person more than chatting on the phone. . . and I feel comfortable meeting for a coffee sooner rather than later . . . and I feel more comfortable with the idea of living close enough to be able to meet regularly, if we find we have a connection . .

    Now I’ve written it, it reads as too long, and it feels a bit defensive and very directive! But I didn’t know that until I wrote it out!! I will save this kind of thing for when email contact gets going.

  202.  #202Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:02 am

    Celtic blue – I just feel the feelings if discomfort abd keep reminding myself I’m a goddess and to respect men and stay out of their heads and not treat them like girls that need my manly protection of their feelings.

    I know as I get uncomfortable receiving, I am touching unworthy past patterns and beliefs and healing them. Yay!

    For sea side cd, unfortunately it won’t work to try to do anything to attract him.

    I’ll just share my feelings of feeling so drawn to him yet scared of a disappearance again. How I don’t want to plan stuff with men and I feel insecure around him.

  203.  #203Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:02 am

    Eventually I’ll probably stop feeling attracted to him.

  204.  #204nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:03 am


    No. Used to you. Love you. 🙂

    the six lane was not highway….It was a huge street in Manhattan…

    I am utterly, utterly confused. I cant afford toxic man, watched some of the Rori videos on it once. Wondered about it.

    Five years ago when I first met him I got this heavy vibe he was hung up on someone else. After a few probing questions, I got it out of him, this guy was total jelly inside about this woman. I refused to go out with him. After a couple of emails where he asked me again, I felt flattered and went. But this huge WALL was there. I just KNEW this was stopping everything and it totally trashed all my charm and confidence. I was a wreck. He ran the show nd always had this attitude, oh she was the love of my life, we had such a big thing going on. Okay, I wont go into details about how I found out the details but here are the facts:

    He claimed he was with her for nine years. No. Not even close. She never loved him. She blatantly slept with several men in front of him and he took that and still loved her!! He was a wreck and lost forty lbs. When I met him he was bitter and flat. At some point in our first relationship I said it was an imaginary relationship but I knew I could not make him see this. Fast forward. We are in our second relationship. Have had some rocky but happy, happy two years. Still feel that horrid vibe. Snooped found love letters he wrote to her. Furious hurt enraged because he always tried to convince me he was a stone, not mushy, stoic and here, here he poured out what I always. wanted to hear to her!! I got Rori, I tried to go on, used some speeches with success. Tried to break up a couple of times telling him “look I just get the vibe you are fond of me, not in love with me like you were with A. he did not deny it just said “oh well, cant you be just happy with that, No I said, we wrangled back and forth and he persuaded me to keep seeing him. I am beginning to see this person is a slimy manipulator and considers himself so ethical because he is a professor. Sheeyit I wrote ten times better papers than him in college, I have seen his lecture notes. pfft…

    Hits some walls recently. We are sitting in this coffee shop and I am leaning way, way back. We talked about different things and frustrated I just said I have always sense this vibe he loved her. I said. He said but when I met you, I had not been around her for two three years. And now she is dead. I said but that does not matter, a person can be in your head and you love them in your head no matter whether they are dead or alive. You always behaved and sparkled a certain way if her name came up. I could see. I could feel it. I feel it now. He said yes he still did. I was sick of this. Disgusted. Cant pretend anymore with him she loved him. I can’t be with a man that cant face up to the fact that some woman he was crazy over did not love him. I can’t be a man that wont face the fact that she did not love him and it was an imaginary relationship. I gave him five years to love me for us to grow together…I am in, out, up down and everybody thinks I am freaky and it probably confuses him too but damnit I sense this. Not as much as I used to. But its still there and I want to slap him. You cant drive anyone out of anyone’s head. I got up and just walked out. I absolutely could not tolerate this anymore

  205.  #205Lucy on April 2, 2011 at 1:03 am

    I don’t want to be thought of as “pressuring” when I am just expressing my feelings. I don’t want to be thought of as “judging” when I am uttering neutral sounds. I am noticing that I don’t mind being the triggering messenger Except in cases where I am being misunderstood. I guess being misunderstood is a trigger for me. Hmm. Not surprising. I feel sad.

  206.  #206Lorelei on April 2, 2011 at 1:03 am

    PS, I will not be replying to CyprusMan, because I have a clear boundary about no long distance relationships will be considered. And he’s telling me what to do. And I feel unheard from my first reply.

  207.  #207Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 1:05 am

    “Hi V Man !
    Thanks for breakfast by the sea today:)

    This may sound strange for a big girl like me, but I feel funny about calling you and inviting you out. I must be a little old fashioned because it feels better when the man asks me !

    I dont want to get in a mess over that and it would feel good to see you again, what do you think??? ”


  208.  #208Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:05 am

    Aradea – when he says, well lets try for next week then…

    Do you say: ohh that feels bad… I feel dissapointed.

  209.  #209nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:06 am

    Never once the three days I spent with him did he say I love you. I did a Rori speech about reassurance and he just pretended to look confused.

  210.  #210Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 1:07 am

    Daria i so agree. Thank you.
    I am not trying to attract him, he has done all the work , but now he says ” OK , your turn” ..

    This doesnt feel good.

  211.  #211Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 1:08 am

    I am thankfully aware that lovely Daria has hit the nail on its head…
    I am trying to protect his manly feelings..uuuggh

  212.  #212nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:15 am


    I have been to Cyprus. I now where these places are. He is probably Turkish or Greek.

    The southern part is more British because they used to occupy it. . The Northern part was invaded by Turkey in the 1970’s. It was a slaughter. There is a middle part, completely abandoned and patroled by UN soldiers. I was at a beach where on the edges they had machine gun toting guards. I was visiting my the northern part. It is not a recognized nation Olive trees, goats, women in veils, women in modern clothes, beautiful ancient ruins. Burned out buildings left over from the war. New apartment buildings. Electric went out a lot. Atrocious postal system in the North. Bitter older people. Young people who dont remember the invasion.

    Very hot. Starving strays. Southern part very civilized. Northern part a little scary and uncivilized

  213.  #213Lorelei on April 2, 2011 at 1:15 am

    202 – Nanceen

    Walking out sounds like a good option – it sounds like you taking care of yourself.

    We don’t know each other well on here, but please save up for Toxic Men programme. I found it one of the best and most useful of RR’s programmes . . and a vital contrast to all the others. It’s about when to get out, when to walk away, how to begin loving and valuing ourselves SO THAT there are some things we will NOT tolerate. The thing I really got out of it was that when I was going on trying to stay with a toxic man, who was not changing despite RR’s tools, i realised . . . staying in it was my way of unconsciously using him to going on punishing me, hurting myself, because deep inside I believed that I deserved being punished and hurt . . . what we tolerate from men (and others, also) is a good indicator of what we believe we deserve.

    My man used to say things that suddenly had my eyes full of tears in public, as well as in private – in restaurants, airports, at social events . . . which is why I relate to your post.

    It feels fantastic that you are reaching a point where you walk away rather than sit there feeling hurt.

    But, I’m puzzled about why you walked to his car . . so that he would, or so that he had to come after you? Is it possible that he would see this not as a clear “I won’t put up with this” message, but as a way of making him follow you? But I realise you were very upset . .

    But I’m puzzled that you didn’t grab your purse and coat and head for the subway, and actually walk away fully on that occasion.

  214.  #214Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:18 am

    Nanceen – walking out is great, not looking out for yourself by not taking your stuff and Not leaving is not. That is drama.

    Please start circular dating right away. This man is not emotionally available to you.

    Labeling him: slimy manipulator is not helpful. It IS a sign you feel angry.

    It’s Very disrespectful and intrusive to assume and try to get him to agree another woman did not love him. There’s no way you can know that.

    You cannot control his thoughts.

    Why are you here? Is it to keep punishing yourself?

    Really look at it. Why are you here?

    It’s because you believe you don’t deserve any better, but it’s not true.

    This feels awful and toxic. I really would like to see you completely dropping this man.

    You are addicted to pain!

    You can heal this. Babysteps.

    Start cd right away.

  215.  #215nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:19 am

    Celtic blue:


    Thanks for breakfast by the sea today:)

    I feel funny about calling you and inviting you out. I feel better when the man asks me !

    I dont want to get in a mess over that. it would feel good to see you again, what do you think??? ”


  216.  #216Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 1:20 am

    Hi Nanceen,

    I am sad to say I was a bit like your man about “the one who got away” .. in love with and attached to him despite his unavailability. And dead , in A’s case, is supremely unavailable.

    The thing is , I have healed and let go with Rori and Sirens help, because I WANTED love and life.
    He has to want that freedom . You cant give it to him.
    It sounds like he is a junkie and addicted to that “love” that never was.

    So you now have a choice about that and what to do next for you, and to heal and give love to yourself.
    I dont know your whole story but I do know you can move yourself somewhere with this situation by stepping into your power and just do SOMETHING different .

  217.  #217aradea on April 2, 2011 at 1:20 am

    Great question….
    I feel curious about how he’ll respond to my FMs… Even after a few dates in this round, still feels new with him, though a few post breakup talks were my first practice feeling message convos… (perfect, as I felt that relationship was already over, so no attachment to outcome, which just seemed to lure him back- unintended by me)
    I like his company, conversation… and I enjoy our dates, generally.
    I feel somewhat mistrustful of anything he says, and mostly just accept it, without believing it till I see proof….

    In the past, I have felt very black and white about not dating an ex. It didn’t work then, in the blush of new romance and it always seems there’s just more breakups over the same reasons. So I just would wash my hands of them and move on my way. Part of me believes this is what the future holds for messy ex and me, but wondered what it would feel like to be the me I am with the Tools, and how that would affect us, so I accepted a date. And it felt ok, and good to feel he wanted me back, wanted to show me. But bad when it seemed he was showing the same wishy-washy ambivalence as last year.

    Tonight’s date was nice, it was fun, and we have some wonderful chemistry. But I also am not sure I could want a relationship with him exclusively again, since I don’t feel like he’s a good marriage prospect for me. I don’t feel like we share goals and values for a future life together. Like his life he wants in the future isn’t really what I want. In some ways, yes. and he SAID he wants the same kind of close relationship, though if that’s true, it’s not apparent in his actions.
    But is that past events affecting my thoughts, or present ones?
    I really do feel he is a great free therapy CD, but am somewhat open to the possibility that once he’s handled his divorce healing, we could be a couple. I feel like he’s in pretty much the same place he was in healing as a year ago, though, so it seems unlikely he will be more than practice- and the lesson that brought me to Rori- for which I will forever be thankful!

  218.  #218Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:21 am

    Celtic blue – ewww indeed!!!

    I would say, whoa that feels bad. I don’t want to take turns. I want a man who fully pursues me and woos me.

  219.  #219Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:24 am

    Or hmm

    Whoa that feels weird. I don’t want to take turns. I feel a little unspecial to be asked that

  220.  #220Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 1:25 am

    Thanks Nanceen ,

    I like the pared down feeling.

    I also like the Siren way of helping each other tweak FM’s so we can begin to see answers to our own dilemmas as we support each other.

    It feels good to make progress.

  221.  #221Lorelei on April 2, 2011 at 1:27 am

    Celtic Blue @ 195 & 205

    Hi – I am at a very similar stage to you, and also probably on the same island, unless you are Highlands and Islands! Haven’t really got to kissing stage, but am getting more CDs.

    I feel very similar – uneasy when (British) men, (often trying to be new men, and not pushy, I find) say things like “let me know if you’d like to meet again.”

    I am learning also that we don’t have to protect their manly feelings, but I also worry that sometimes I do . . . can’t help it at the moment.

    But, when called for, I think your feeling message is great, but could be a tad shorter – I am learning not to put in the apologising bit for saying it!!

    “Hi V Man !

    Thanks for breakfast by the sea today:) I felt connecting with you [or meeting you, or whatever].

    But I feel funny about calling you and inviting you out. I must be a little old fashioned because it feels better when the man asks me ! What do you think?”

    In fact, I’m copying and pasting this right now for future use myself. I’m also going to practice saying it out loud in front of a mirror, so I get used to saying it without making a big deal of it!!

  222.  #222Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:29 am

    I wouldn’t want to talk to a man I’m dating about another woman, definitely not in depth.

    Exclusivity here seems like a real trap Rori warns us about.

    If hes hung up on another woman, he’s not emotionally available for us.

  223.  #223aradea on April 2, 2011 at 1:30 am

    You know, I don’t…. Thank you for that point!
    I do still feel awed and a lil overwhelmed by him, so tend to float in my lily pad just atop the emotional ocean. Your question makes me wonder if maybe I am still afraid to be open and speak up for myself like that.
    My biggest struggle with feeling messages are those kind: the “oh that feels bad” kind. I have, in the past, clammed up n shut down, moved back when I have felt that kind of thing, but have been having some trouble in speaking up there.
    I am going to make it my focus practice over the next 2 weeks to speak up more when something feels bad, too.

  224.  #224Lorelei on April 2, 2011 at 1:30 am

    Celtic Blue – 219 following – aha, i see Nanceen beat me to it @ 213 – but we’re both saying keep it a bit shorter.

    It is our desire to explain, not hurt them, and be thought of as “nice” that makes me, at least, become too wordy!

  225.  #225Lorelei on April 2, 2011 at 1:32 am

    Celtic Blue – re 219

    oops missed a word – typing too fast – it should have been “I felt good connecting with you” or any variation. That is the bit that gives the encouragement that you would be open to seeing them again – it invites them to enjoy making us feel good again!

  226.  #226Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:33 am

    Lorelei – I love that! Let’s him know I feel better when… And assumes he Wants me to feel better.

  227.  #227Daria on April 2, 2011 at 1:35 am

    Aradea – that’s been my focus this past week, speaking up for myself.

    It’s a challenge to express and be vulnerable w people we already have past patterns with. It feels instinctive to shut down, disconnect and judge them in our heads.

  228.  #228nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:36 am

    No I am not trying to get him to think that. Was several years ago I said it was an imaginary relationship. This time I just said I felt he loved her. A man does not sit there and say he loves her and not the woman in front of him. I have no probably with past loves. At my age there is plently but they are not active. I feel he has what is called urequited love. Like I am something that will do since he cannot have her. Did not say I thought it was an imaginary relationship. Wont do that. Cant convince anyone of that. I just dont want to be with someone that is not past this after being with me for several years. And also it may not even mean he is hung up on her. I think he is just not in love with me. I have tried to break it off several times. He persuades me to stay. Here is what he has said “it would not be healthy for you, we have a history, well isnt this leading toward serious?”

    She slept with his roomate and one friend. She left and got engaged to someone else. I have been silent about it for two years till today.

    CD does nothing for me.I feel I cant do it when I am unemployed and with my financial situation because what do you say on a date? um please dont get involved with me, I only have enough food stamps for me. Excuse me I am going to the ladies room to snitch some toilet paper. Oh waiter, bring all the leftovers to me. I went on some but after a few dates I had to tell them not to call. A relationship is not possible. I can barely keep my house payments up. After this guy I think I need to stay out of relationships. Daria being unemployed for so long has totally trashed myself esteem. Every move I make seems wrong. I feel damned if I stay and damned if I go.

  229.  #229nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:38 am

    Lor 🙂

  230.  #230Lucy on April 2, 2011 at 1:38 am

    I don’t like it when ppl make up stories about me and then get mad at me based on their made-up stories. I don’t mind so much when ppl get mad at me for things I actually did.

  231.  #231Lucy on April 2, 2011 at 1:45 am

    Aha! It goes back to being the family scapegoat! I would like to heal this scapegoat trigger. Thank you. I intend to heal it.

  232.  #232nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:49 am

    I feel so trapped. How do you do something different without money. But yes. you can….I could paint something or work on my artwork…sometimes it feels so pathetic. that is something he does not respect, me not working on it. I know he senses I dont believe in me and he has tried to help…I dont want to admit to you all you are right…

    what power? what does it feel like? would I not want him? I am afraid if I feel powerful I will never want a man…this is so silly.

    And I have so many cats and everyone yells at me for it. No I dont collect, no I have not had a new one for four years and NO I dont want anymore. I have 18 and have tried to place them. I used to do cat rescue but have been out for about ten years. I started in my crummy marriage. I was a young frightened abused wife who felt trapped and turned to kitties for solace. Well I got out of that but only have had “Rori” for a year. Been with bf for almost five. Wish so bad, so much I had “rori” before I met him. Oh what beautiful time it could of been. Sometimes I sense he wants me happy and carefree and blissfully unaware of him…

  233.  #233aradea on April 2, 2011 at 1:52 am

    I enjoy reciving the nice dinners out a lil extra since I get the leftovers, and it’s helping my budget.
    Maybe we can re-frame your financial situation another way.
    I am especially available to receive the wonderful abundance of time out, dinners, and gifts right now, when my financial situation is not as lucrative.

    I also like Daria’s approach;
    since, He (CD#x) wants to make me happy, and a dinner I don’t have to cook, serve, prepare, or clean up after makes me happy.
    We deserve to be happy!
    Perhaps the right relationship will have a positive effect on your financial situation- your new sparkle of confidence lands u a great job, you find a relationship that offers some $ support,…. Men don’t love us for our job, our work ethic, or our boy selves, but because we give them a chance to provide and nurture…
    Maybe a chance to practice receiving?
    Seems it might be a boon to your situation to begin to CD.
    Practicing the tools is a great esteem builder, I’ve found.

  234.  #234nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 1:59 am

    Lor. I dont live in NYC. We were on the way to train station so I could go back to CT. I had no money. I didnt mean that I left purse and coat in shop. I simply did not have them with me.

    How much is toxic man. I am incredibly broke. He always pays for my train fare or picks me up.

    He has tried. Its me that is crazy. I need a break. I wish I knew a speech where I could get a break but not slam the door on the relationship. He had to take a bunch of students to italy and was gone for nine days. I got to feeling kind of good. I feel like if could get strong I could leave and not be devastated. I do so poorly after breakups it frightens me. I either overeat or quit eating or totally neglect EVERYTHING but the cats. Its scary. Once I didnt shower for a week. I simply laid on the floor and “died”: only getting up to take care of kitties. I wanted to get up but couldnt. I dont dare touch alcohol. My stomach is so tied up with anxiety I can function, thats why I dread breakups even when I know I should go. And you have hope. And some of the Rori stuff worked and it was lovely…how much is toxic man, I am so broke.

  235.  #235Susanne on April 2, 2011 at 2:00 am

    Loveiseverywhere, i can totally relate to what you said here. I do have this niggling worry that there is something wrong with me if i don’t like a guy that i don’t feel attracted to, do nice things to me. i would feel real icky. I always wonder if that is wrong and after reading rori’s stuff, i felt guilty as if i am not giving these “nice” men a chance to love me. but that is not what i want, that is not what i am lookign for in my love life. I have a very easy turn-off button. So it’s pretty tough to CD for me. Though i know not all guys who are nice are hard to love.

  236.  #236nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:02 am

    Arada that is a nice way to put it…even though it has been going 0n for so long…

    sounds like something from a book called “the Game of life and how to play it” by Frances Shinn…

  237.  #237Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:10 am


    I got wrapped up in something I needed to do, and I’m still here. 🙂 I like the words of wisdom and comfort the other Sirens gave you.

    I don’t really have much more to add to what they said. You used Rori’s walk out tool, and it’s a powerful one. I agree that it would have been good to take your belongings with you and watch traffic. Do I assume correctly he was your ride, so that’s why you went to his car?

    Yes, it sounds toxic. He is unable to commit because he’s stuck in an imaginary relationship. Your best move is to walk away. I know that’s not easy to do in your situation. If there is any chance for this relationship, it is probably in walking away completely.

    Sometimes people don’t know what is til they know what ain’t.

    Right now you are in an emergency situation. How far away is your sister’s house where you use the water? That sounds really ruff to handle, even if she’s right next door.

    How bout the Salvation Army or Red Cross for help? Local churches? Sometimes a county social services agency, such as the welfare office, will have a whole list of contact information for various social services.

    When i was homeless for 7 months, sitting in the heat in my tent with my dogs in a swamp, I concluded that I had two choices: give up and die, because I absolutely could not make it…or humble myself and ask for help.

    It felt horrible to do. I felt humiliated and shamed. I found out who my real friends were. But, thank God, I eventually received the help I needed. The day I moved into MY new apartment with my dogs was a major day of victory.

    There are times in our lives when we simply need a hand up, when we simply can’t make it alone. I wish I were in a position to help you, but I’m not being paid yet with my new job, and I’m struggling too (my car’s inspection ran out and I can’t afford a windshield, and student loans are about to garnish my money, just for starters).

    My prayers and thoughts are with you.

    Love, Brenda

  238.  #238Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 2:11 am

    Hello Lorelei,

    You have been very kind to me in the past (think roses). I have lost touych with where you are up to but hope all goes well.
    My Island is in the South Seas , but the same problems here re the men 🙂

    I love the messages you and Nanceen and Daria suggest and that helps re the issue of what to say when they carry the ball for a while then stop and drop it at my feet, but still unclear what to do about the Juggling Men business.

    One of the CDs has been clearly informed that he is a CD and he says it makes him keener. Another has said twice that he is newly divorced and just looking for friendship , but that hasnt stoppped us having some great fun dining together (we have a LOT in common) and him contacting me. V-man is number three .The conversation has not come up with the other two. Which of Roris programs helps with the mechanics?

  239.  #239Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 2:15 am

    re 199 Lorelei, I loved what you wrote for a profile .
    It seems to me most men are keen to meet up in person relatively soon.

    I also found a new site that was full of traveling men and men in transit who wanted LDR’s . I said no to all that . One is still interested and contacts me by skype regularly from 1200 km away. I found the men on this site seemed almost desperate to make contact ..that felt bad to me .

  240.  #240nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:16 am

    Susanne: I like that “an easy turnoff button”

    Celtic Blue:

    What is so creepy is he has two friends in similar situations…ick he even tried to defend them a little, saying oh he needs her blah blah…, one is a guy that has been seeing this therapist for almost 30 years…he is in love with her, once he stole one of her gloves and it is one of his most prize possessions ICK the other one was this big guy at a radio station, not dj but asst. producer and he was a heavy drinker and finally got his license taken away for good and is in jail. Anyway he liked this woman at work so much he bought a house near her and gave her daughter money for college and when I asked about the relationship from my bf he said well they never, uh, actually slept together, she probably did not like the alcohol…I interrupted and said “sounds like she just wasnt interested. Did she date other men? He said well uh yeah but I dont think anything really happened, C (friend) would know..I just looked at him in weird and said M this is grown woman with an adult child dating other men, not highschool. He looked sheepish and I let it go but for the life of me could not figure out why he defended him. So here are three guys who seem to delight and relish in the a daydream of the femme fatale they could not have. Geesh I saw a pic of these ladies. Absolutely average all 45+ unobtainable, super sirens? .. I did not get it. The guys just seem so little boyish and these guys are 58, 50, 73 !!

  241.  #241Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:16 am

    I sent this email to Ryan to follow up on our text. What do you think?

    I appreciate it that you are willing to resolve our conflicts sometimes. My concern is that you will read it and then shut down, and I’ll still be left not knowing what you think and feel.

    Like once before, you agreed to go to my therapist with me. I got all excited, thinking you were willing to work on our relationship. Instead, you just started hurling accusations at me in front of my counselor, totally out of character for you, then you left the session early. You made no effort at conflict resolution. I just felt embarrassed and deeply disappointed. But I had been so deeply honest with the therapist, that nothing came as a surprise to her that you said.

    I fear that if I make the supreme effort to compile all my journals, etc, and give you a copy, that working on conflict resolution will, once again, just be a carrot on a never-available stick. So many, many times, I have been left feeling vulnerable after being encouraged to open up, then never having the two-way understanding of your thoughts and feelings. How can I know I will ever get your feedback if I share all my journals of our relationship? I feel mistrustful and unsafe. What do you think?


  242.  #242Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 2:19 am

    Hi Bren,

    “Sometimes people don’t know what is til they know what ain’t. ”

    SO TRUE.

    Sometimes people dont know true love till they know what love isnt , ie an imaginary relationship.

    Maybe we have to go there first ?

  243.  #243Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:19 am


    I forget, what kind of work do you do? Need any help with your resume?

  244.  #244nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:25 am

    Brenda, good to hear from you. I like what you wrote. I am trying to be more honest on this post. Instead of crowing so much and putting more meaning on the nice stuff I am sort of looking at what my gut says. But after humbly listening I feel weirdly better. Just a tiny bit. I cant let myself go to that crazy elation I often get into. All giddy.

    Sis is five minutes away. I am so glad you held onto your pups.

    I found a way to shower. I take a big tub into it. The water goes into the tub and I dump it in the woods afterwards. Several acres of woods behind me.

  245.  #245nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:30 am

    BRENDA!!! where were you living, you coulda stayed with me!!!

    I remember when my water was shut off and I went down to the brook at night so no one would see me and I hauled up water and put a few drops of bleach in it.

    So walking out was the first step toward saying I wont tolerate this? But I mean you are not supposed to do it that way but it was a start. I flat out knew i had to walk out and I felt I was not going to tolerate anymore. I mean he does sit around saying sarcastic stuff, it is mostly being brushed off or stating something like well that the way it is here and giving that look or vibe “who are you to change this?” I want to say no so much that he walks off and I feel all my nos were taking care of me and I was not a fool or emotional.

  246.  #246nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:35 am

    brenda so sorry you waited.

    I should email you.

    yes help with resume..

  247.  #247Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:38 am


    I was homeless in 2007 after a false friend sabotaged my jobhunt. I lost count of all the places I stayed, but I was west of Philly. What area do you live in? I camped some, stayed at a friend’s house, stayed in a cold basement, etc. I am glad that chapter of my life is over.

    I don’t know where you live now, but I have to move before June 1st, cuz my landlady is selling her house. I am going to live with my Mom, who is currently in a nursing home. She is still very mentally alive, and she is in a wheelchair and on oxygen. If you want us as housemates, which is a lot to ask of anyone, we could pay around $1000 a month plus our share of utilities. And my dogs are cat-friendly (I have 4 cats, too). Just a thot.

  248.  #248Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 2:38 am

    Nanceen that is so interesting, the whole femme fatale addiction!!!! I have seen this too. its a great way to excuse yourself from a real relationship .

    I feel especially sorry for the 70 year old as i doubt hes ever going to get REAL love from a REAL woman who wants a REAL relationship.

    I turned my life around when I demanded that REAL RELATIONSHIP from my life. I havent got it yet but I have so many options of good men who are able to do REAL. I think you and I can go for it together , along with any other imaginary relationship tragics here 🙂

  249.  #249nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:39 am

    Dont know if you are there Brenda but I thought you got some closure with Ryan. I remember you handled it all so beautifully at the end. I was so happy for you.

    Could it ever work with him? What do you need from him?

  250.  #250Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:40 am


    I am tired, but I got wrapped up in doing other stuff. Have a hard time going to bed. I like to stay up. Then I fall asleep when I shouldn’t. If you want to email me, go ahead.

  251.  #251Christine on April 2, 2011 at 2:40 am

    I am so down right now my 7yr relationship is about to end. This is actually a long distance relationship as he works overseas in a cruiseship. He would come home every 6 months. In between he would call me every week, and chat with me as often as he can. We would talk about anything and he would be submissive and all that. It just pains my heart that i was being cheated all along, that everything was a lie. I have given up so much for this guy and yet he betrayed and fooled me. I loved him so much but im so angry at him for being an asshole. Right now, I am fighting my feelings to let go off him. There’s still a part of me that says he will be back, and he had been true somehow, and everything will be okay, but there’s also a greater part of me that says otherwise and be over with him. I am hurting everyday with thoughts of him being with other girls, his promises and his words that swept me away and believed all his lies. I couldn’t believe myself that I did believed him after all. He was really a genius liar and a best actor you woudn’t doubt him a bit or maybe im just so blinded by my love for him. It’s almost 2 months now that I haven’t heard of him. He just ditched me just like that. I wanna move forward and just be happy but it’s just hard. I’m so mad at him that I want all the karma in the world to happen to him. I know it’s not right to curse but I think it’s the ego inside me that I can’t accept being left and betrayed. I know i’m pretty smart but I just feel so stupid to have fallen for him. I am just so mad but I am still looking forward to reconcilation eventhough I know that it will not be the same anymore. In my mind, I know what should be done but my heart says otherwise. I am also mad at myself for not seeing his real intentions. For 7 yrs, he was making me believe that we’re so inlove when at my back he’s the same with all else. His plans and promises to me are theirs as well. He’s really sick. I hate him so much as i love him.. I am confused. I just want all the pain to go away and move on but it’s just so hard.

    thank you and more power!

  252.  #252Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:44 am


    I have gotten lots of good closure with Ryan. Like Tinque told me, it’s like peeling off pain in layers.

    I miss him still, and we have known each other for over 3 years. I guess I’m not sure where I’m at with him. I’m working it thru with my therapist, a new therapist as of a month ago.

    It’s possible that it could work with him, with a lot of resolution and healing. What do I need from him? I have never felt so emotionally intimate with another human being. I’ve never felt so understood. More than anything, I want God’s will. If it’s another man, so be it. I’m just in process. Not perfect.

  253.  #253nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:45 am

    I just read the ad about toxic men…something kind of clicked in my head….something about working on yourself and becoming a separate person and seeing them for what they are..no one is probably up now, but thats okay…some good things happened here tonite. I got more honest than I ever did and less dramatic. I tried to just say what it was, not fight everyone’s answer with more “it wont work” and crazy humor.

    I left before,not because I was mad at anyone but because I knew I wasnt really being honest and I wasnt working…

  254.  #254Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:46 am


    Sorry to hear the extreme pain you are in. Just write it all out here…sucks, I know…

  255.  #255Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 2:48 am

    Unemployment and money issues aside Nanceen, its how you think of yourself, either as hot and datable or past it!

    I had cancer and major surgery a few months ago. My men know this. I thought no one would want me disfigured and post cancer , but I turned it round and tried to think of myself as a good catch nonetheless, went back online. Somehow the vibe changed and I am now knee deep in men.

    Yes that simple. If I can do that , anyone can.
    And I am in my 50’s.

  256.  #256Celtic Blue on April 2, 2011 at 2:50 am

    Nanceen , I love the honesty poart. You cant admit the truth to others and remain the same personb stuck in the same place. You have moved somewhere different tonight!!!!

  257.  #257Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:50 am


    Sounds like healthy growth. I think that’s wonderful. I know it feels kinda scary and vulnerable to just let it all hang out, but wow, it’s freeing, and that’s when the healing can come and people really connect with you.

    No one understands financial issues unless they’ve been there. Hang in there, girl. It can only get better, right? It all looks clearer when you’re close to the ground…but sometimes that’s when we can count our blessings the best…kitties, a home, such as it is…

  258.  #258Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 2:51 am

    Celtic Blue,

    Do you know Archerie???? I miss her!

  259.  #259nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 2:53 am

    I live in Connecticut

    Celtic this is getting interesting…I like the phrase ” imaginary relationship tragics” They are f–cked up! And I am the co f–ck! I am not ready to rush out and dump them but after tonite and reading Rori toxic man ad, I feel thoughtful. Could it be…?

    Its like throwing away a perfectly good dress you love. My relationship seems like a dress I cant part with….What woman would do that if it was gorgeous an fit? but if it was ripped and useless and full of holes..raggety and out of style..you have no problem tossing it. You might remember when it looked great and how you liked it but ewww those shoulder pads…and sweat stains that you are never quite sure keeping your arms down hides.

  260.  #260Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 3:02 am

    @199: Lorelei

    Good morning, (maybe afternoon where you are) I must have logged off right before your CD update. You have a lot going on!

    If no LDR is important perhaps you could use your message in your profile but trimmed down: “I feel comfortable meeting for a coffee sooner rather than later . . . I prefer living close enough to be able to meet regularly, if we find we have a connection . ..”

    However, that guy in Cyprus sounds kind of interesting. I think I’d like to check him out… 😀


  261.  #261Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 3:04 am

    Catching up on posts…

    Are Daria and Lucy at it again? They must be in love with each other… 😀


  262.  #262nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 3:07 am

    unemployment, financial, 50’s and cats.

    I am too afraid to be out there with this.

    EWWW I would not date me.

    I just kind this weird pic feeling about bf. Like he is really annoyed and pissed but he is not all that powerful. Like I really got to him today just by walking out. Got his attention. But its not something I want to repeat. wjould rather doit in amore adult way. And I think I negated it by being so girly in the car and when he dropped me off. Of course I was punished…now I see it. dropped off with coldness…well what do I expect I embarrassed him front of a bunch a people who heard the whole thing and could see it. It wasnt loud at all but you could hear. He was right out in the open, everyone could see some chick stomped out on him. I feel like giggling. What did he do? I can see everyone politely cringing and him trying to remain impassive. No that is mean of me. I wonder if he is thinking dejvua because that is what old ex girlfriend did constantly, constant drama, he told me they broke up hundreds of times. She stormed in an out of his studio, restaurants, would show up drunk at his apartment. And what hurts is he loved her anyway. And with me he I feel punished for infractions.

  263.  #263nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 3:10 am

    Hi slv missed yoy, thought of you

    Lucy & Daria? An item? Who would of known?

  264.  #264Brenda on April 2, 2011 at 3:11 am


    6:10 am – Good night?!

  265.  #265nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 3:11 am

    If it bothers anyone what I said about Cyprus I am sorry. Its just what I know about it.

  266.  #266nanceen on April 2, 2011 at 3:14 am

    Groan…how could I do this to myself…have to go, will email you BRenda, hugs and wags…thank you

  267.  #267Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 3:37 am

    @202: nanceen

    I missed you and I’m happy to see that you have returned; I hope you will stay. I’ll return to read your posts. Thanks for the white space!


  268.  #268Lorelei on April 2, 2011 at 3:41 am

    236 Celtic Blue – ahh – hellooo again. Great id name, now I think about it. So glad you’re still on here. Very glad I looked in quickly before dashing off to a house viewing – I have to find and move into my own little new house by July. Feels exciting but scary and unsettling all at the same time. CD updates at number 126 on this thread if you’re interested!

    More soon, have to run. xx

  269.  #269Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 5:25 am

    @226: nanceen says:
    “…Daria being unemployed for so long has totally trashed myself esteem. Every move I make seems wrong. I feel damned if I stay and damned if I go….”

    It’s a mindset thing. As far as I’m concerned, a job is no big deal and in fact being “working class” is highly overrated–by some, never by me.


  270.  #270life_is_too_short_to... on April 2, 2011 at 5:29 am

    Smoke ’em out!! (The ones that can’t do REAL, that is)

    would love to hear from alias girl, lizzie, katarina

    grateful for all and everything


  271.  #271LonePlum on April 2, 2011 at 5:30 am

    Teleseminar within 4 hours



  272.  #272life_is_too_short_to... on April 2, 2011 at 5:34 am

    246 Celtic Blue said

    “……..imaginary relationship tragics”


    Imaginary Relationship Tragics Anonymous – new support group
    meeting today

    “if he’s not in front of you, he doesn’t exist”


  273.  #273Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 5:36 am

    @230: nanceen says:
    “…I feel so trapped. How do you do something different without money. But yes. you can….I could paint something or work on my artwork…”

    Have you ever done “painting a day?” and auctioned them? Or pet portraits? It’s not the same as having a prestigious gallery exhibition but these could be ways to make money doing what you like. There a few artists who do this and make as much or more money than in their “regular art careers.” Some are now building a collectors following!


  274.  #274Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 5:39 am

    @270: life_is_too_short_to… says:

    “Imaginary Relationship Tragics Anonymous – new support group meeting today”

    Where do I sign up?…


  275.  #275life_is_too_short_to... on April 2, 2011 at 5:41 am

    271 SLV
    Would you please remind me once in a while to work on that? My painting…
    Speaking of tragic, it is a damn shame that I am not working on my painting.
    What is “painting a day”, btw?

    Wish I could stick around some today, gotta run.

  276.  #276Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 5:45 am


    One of my favorites: Duane Keiser

    His art web sites


  277.  #277Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 5:50 am


    He was doing painting a day usually around $100 or so per painting. They are very small, inches. He’s now doing fewer but his popularity and bid prices have gone up, a lot!

    Check him out. You might enjoy his work. I admire his skill and also his eye for beauty in the simple everyday things in life.



  278.  #278Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 6:03 am

    I see his work and become all smiley and giggly. He makes my day every time. He’s my kind of artist. And I’ve always wanted a cigar box paint kit like his. I haven’t seen it lately; maybe I can find it.



  279.  #279Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 6:07 am

    @273: life_is_too_short_to… says:

    “…Would you please remind me once in a while to work on that? My painting… ”

    Surrrrrre. I’d love to!

    LITS, make a painting today! I hope Duane Keiser’s work will inspire you.


  280.  #280LonePlum on April 2, 2011 at 6:37 am

    “The Ugly Side of the Beauty Industry”
    About beauty, hygiene, chemicals, and the epidemic of cancers, learning disability, birth defects, asthma etc…


  281.  #281Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 6:57 am

    @246: Celtic Blue says:
    “..I feel especially sorry for the 70 year old as i doubt hes ever going to get REAL love from a REAL woman who wants a REAL relationship…”

    Oh, I don’t know…maybe I could love him. Send him over, if he ever recovers from his femme fatale addiction, I’ll check him out.

    BTW, I’m REAL woman… ya betta believe it! 😀


  282.  #282Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 7:08 am

    @260: nanceen says:
    “..unemployment, financial, 50′s and cats…”


    available for a position and can start immediately, motivated, educated and experienced, attractive and articulate, likes animals…


  283.  #283LD on April 2, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Anyone having any good luck on any other dating sites other than Match, OkCupid, POF or EHarmony?

    My subscription on Match expired yesterday and I don’t feel I want to continue paying after 3 months. I’ve done 3 months on each of the others above as well and have different reasons for not wanting to continue on each of them, but I don’t want to stop online dating as it is a good source for CDing.

  284.  #284luzydel on April 2, 2011 at 7:28 am

    LD try Chemistry.com, Lavalife.com (from Canada but it has some US users) Mingle2.com, evow.com, speed dating.com, Zoosk.com…you can google online dating sites and you can find many. Good luck. I am trying to go back, I feel hesitant. No problem meeting men, I just end up liking the wrong ones. lol

  285.  #285Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 7:29 am

    @281: LD says:
    “…Anyone having any good luck on any other dating sites other than Match, OkCupid, POF or EHarmony?…”

    I’m not a user but there were a few others on popularity poll list we voted on month ago: Here’s a note I made of the list:

    The best overall dating site is:
    (10) 3%
    (17) 5%
    (143) 50%
    (68) 23%
    (47) 16%
    Total Votes: 285
    The best free dating site is:
    (15) 12%
    (63) 52%
    (21) 17%


  286.  #286LD on April 2, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Thanks for the info!

  287.  #287LD on April 2, 2011 at 7:35 am

    SLV and Luzydel,

    Thank you!

  288.  #288Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 7:35 am

    Here’s a resource page I borrowed from a dating coach who I will not name. There are a few dozen online dating sites listed:



  289.  #289Tulip on April 2, 2011 at 8:03 am

    OK, Please I would love some advice here:

    There’s a guy that I work with who seems very into me and I can feel this but I know that he is a little shy shy and is slowly, slowly sounding out whether I am with anyone and interested and I have leaned back but my leaning back feels like I’m teasing him (I don’t know why).

    I’d love to have a date with him and anyone else for that matter as I am now up for CDing but in the UK it seems like a different scene to US and men here are very serious about dating – as in they don’t seem to just go out and have a coffee with a casual vibe.

    How can I lean back and be encouraging? Without grabbing the oars from him and setting myself up for being the boy?

    Is there any way of making him feel safe to ask?

    I find this happens a lot – no offers – but I think that was because in the past my heart was tangled up with my ex and I was giving that off to men.

  290.  #290Jeannette on April 2, 2011 at 8:12 am

    Okay Tulip, my fiance is VERY shy….I know how it is. What you have to do is smile at him alot and give him your full attention when he speaks to you. You may even touch his hand lightly when he says something that shows his interest in you, even if what he says is subtle. Good luck!

  291.  #291Rori Raye on April 2, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Prairie Girl – sorry – don’t know how you got caught up in spam – just released you and will keep watch today – thank you so much for the beautiful comment…

  292.  #292Rori Raye on April 2, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Tulip, smile at him, make and hold eye contact with him. If you still doesn’t do anything – compliment him…”Great shoes…” “nice shirt….” “such beautiful eyes….”

  293.  #293sweetmandm on April 2, 2011 at 9:11 am

    Nanceen, Big BIG HUGS to you! 🙂 I am late to reading posts here…..

    I know that kind of financial pressure and feeling alone in it and without help. It can make all of life feel out of control at times. It also affects us emotionally in many ways. I say without reservation, that after you have used good FM with BF, if he has not responded well soon, then get the tenant! How can you feel good about yourself and feel like your sireny best, if you turn down resources that help you to feel like you are living the best life that you can give yourself?……….while leaning back and waiting for someone to come alongside you and help you with your goals?! whew…

    I do think a woman renter would be best! It would not have the potential to scare away other potentials in you life on the relationship front. If however, you can not find a woman renter, you are in a bad place, take up the man renter and put notice out for a woman renter and she may show up faster than you think. 😉 He cannot tell you what to do in that area if he is has not made the commitment to you and is not in a place to support you.

    BF doesn’t sound very attentive and supporting, but it does sound like he attempts to be (with the car ins. $) men don’t usually do that sort of thing if they don’t want to try and take care. My guy friends don’t offer money. There might still be some things on your part that you can do in your communication.

    I like the line “I feel shut down right now.” Am I missing the mark when I say that the moment that you had in the coffee? shop? when you were crying and walked out without your belongings, is that you may have felt shut down and stopped? I have felt this (If I am correct, and so sorry if not!) and have walked away WITH MY BELONGINGS. I can invision this_ you sitting there and instead of just walking out, saying something to the effect of- I really feel shut down and scared, unbalanced, overwhelmed with feelings (whatever you want to place there) and I am feeling so much like crying I feel that can’t stay in here right now. I feel embarrased to cause a scene. That may be part of why you wanted to walk out??? I don’t know. You walked away. I AM TOTALLY PREACHING TO THE CHOIR HERE! I need to speak my feelings more as well, it is one of my biggest points of work right now, for I AM THE ROCK (very feminine ey) but its something else to see it in your senario, after it has past as well. He may have felt embarrassed that you just walked out and felt that it looked a certain way to others. Men are very aware of those kind of things and have their own fears.

    He called you an unfair name. I would revisit it and share YOUR perspective in what YOU WERE feeling in that moment and tell him what you see now and what you are working on. I like what Rori says about asking them for help when we feel stuck in a rut with our emotins (in the moment) and I see how their practical/not as emotional side can assist and they will be helping and taking care, using their strengths.

    I really don’t know if any of this helps. I am so new to new practices here, but I do care very much!! I know you didn’t ask me personally for my opinion. I send you prayers and warm HUGS. I hope you can feel them 🙂 Keep us updated!


  294.  #294sweetmandm on April 2, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Rori, so great to see you on here today! With such a recent appearance, I just want to take advantage of the opportunity to ask this. I know that Chris C. says that men are men and that from what ever country they are from, men are men. Tulip brought to my mind with the mention of dating perspectives in the UK….. Will your resources work the same with men from other cultures. Is it universal enough to cover the diverse dating perspectives and are men still men and at the core thay are the same?? This will all work the same?

    I have wondered this for some time now. I am still pretty new to using the resources you have given me. I feel so appreciative thus far!! Thank you!



  295.  #295T-Girl on April 2, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Re 281 LD: Here is a trick I learned if you want to resubscribe to Match. Go in as if you are going to cancel your account. It will ask you to choose why you are canceling – check the one that says you can’t afford it right now. It will then come up with a way cheaper offer! When I did it, I was able to resubscribe for 3 months for the price of 1! Works everytime (though I’m not sure if it is the same offer everytime).

  296.  #296loveiseverywhere on April 2, 2011 at 9:35 am

    I feel rejected. I feel uncertain. I feel sad and disappointed. I feel afraid you don’t want me. I feel foolish. I feel abandoned. I feel ashamed. I feel rejected. I feel delusional. I feel reckless. I feel angry. I feel dominate. I feel excessive. I feel sad. I feel despondent. I feel overwhelmed. I feel disinterested. I feel numb. I feel the slightest bit of hope. I feel despair. I feel upset. I feel downtrodden. I feel lonely. I feel desperate. I feel rage. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I feel as though I’ve been passed over; disregarded. I feel under-appreciated.

    I realize that the greatest feeling I have regarding E. is rejection. I feel rejected. Now what?

  297.  #297sweetmandm on April 2, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Ok, so I revist the materials and it all sounds good on paper, so hits home, fits, makes sense…………

    I listen to all of you lovely’s sending out senarios and others responding and giving advice, using the resources (used to call them tools, like resources better) and seeing you put them into practice. I can also see what I would do, using the resources in many of the individual situations of others……….

    Then it comes to many of my specific situations with men and I get stuck not knowing what to apply, when to apply it, how. I am doing WAY better! I still…….




  298.  #298LonePlum on April 2, 2011 at 9:41 am

  299.  #299sweetmandm on April 2, 2011 at 9:49 am

    Thanks LonePlum, I had forgotten! YAAAY!

  300.  #300T-Girl on April 2, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Another new post is up!

  301.  #301Lilybelle on April 2, 2011 at 9:54 am

    Have got to get my vibe back.


    Off to look at the two new apartments. I feel really happy and excited about this.


  302.  #302LD on April 2, 2011 at 9:59 am

    My vibe is low today. My NVs are screaming at me that I’ll never find someone who truly loves me. My CDs slowly disappear and they all tell me I make them feel insecure because they already think I’m out of their league, but when I don’t initiate calls and dates with them it makes them feel even more insecure. I try to explain in feeling messages that it feels better to me when the man does the initiating, and they seem to understand for the first couple of dates. But there seems to be a point in which they need me to carry the ball for awhile to make them feel secure. I am warm, open, receptive and appreciative to them when they take the initiative. But this doesn’t seem to be enough to make them feel secure.

    This doesn’t feel right to me, and goes against everything I’ve been working on here for the past nearly 3 years. I’ve finally rewired my brain to truly like and feel attracted to nice guys who aren’t toxic and now I’M intimidating THEM. The last 6 dates I went on I have been told this. I don’t know how else to make them feel secure without leaning forward and carrying the ball.

    It feels just as bad when the nice guys rubberband or disappear out of insecurity as it does when the bad guys used to disappear. I’m not sure where to go from here. I thought if I rewired my brain to like the nice guys, everything else would fall into place….

  303.  #303Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 10:06 am


    I think Daria had a way to do this:

    “Do you mean you want me to call you today…?” OK. Something like that. She can probably tell it better. I think Rori says if a man asks you to “make him a sandwich” etc (example) it’s not “leaning forward” if you do it.

    I’m still working this out but I don’t plan to “lose” or “get rid of” a guy I like because of something like this. What do you think?

    ..I;m listening to “Calling In The One” call right now.

    I will work out something… 😀


  304.  #304life_is_too_short_to... on April 2, 2011 at 10:16 am

    Thank you for the encouragement!
    And for the Duane Keiser links!
    You post such great things!
    Thank you!

  305.  #305life_is_too_short_to... on April 2, 2011 at 10:19 am

    302 LD
    I can empathize with you totally. Supposedly there is some missing link that we are not doing. In my case with this particular man, I have come to the conclusion that he wants to be pursued (fem energy) just as much as he wants to pursue, and is a bean counter about it. ugh.

    Anyway, in all levity and lightheartedness, here is this, enjoy….


    Classic and classy!


  306.  #306life_is_too_short_to... on April 2, 2011 at 10:22 am

    make that, wants to be pursued as much, IF NOT MORE…..Snoopy “blah”
    i can’t work that hard. i’m going for easy.

  307.  #307life_is_too_short_to... on April 2, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Oh, and….I dropped the ball…BIG TIME. It has raised my vibe value immediately. Is that all ya got, big fella?
    Show me whatcha got. 🙂

  308.  #308Lilybelle on April 2, 2011 at 10:42 am

    302: LD~

    I’m feeling you.

  309.  #309Simply Shannon on April 2, 2011 at 10:44 am

    SLV, has the Calling In The One call been good? I signed up but I wasn’t able to get on til just now. Will listen to it later.

  310.  #310Senior Lady Vibe on April 2, 2011 at 10:50 am

    @309: Simply Shannon says:

    I had trouble with the online call at start, then switched to phone but it was filled up so couldn’t get on. I finally went back to web and OK after few minutes.

    You probably got the same part that I did. The program seems similar to the soulmate secret info in book i read and will re-read again.


  311.  #311Daria on April 2, 2011 at 10:52 am

    I posted what I do on the new thread.

    Mostly I feel turned off and let him know he’s about to be dropped lol

  312.  #312Angel Lady on April 2, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    aradea – Yes, lets stay in touch. 🙂 I feel good about us continuiing to work on ourselves and taking the focus OFF the men.

    I feel so happy today. I feel grateful for these deep feelings of joy. They overwhelmed me to tears.

  313.  #313Angel Lady on April 2, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Aradea – Not sure if you are still checking this post.

    I feel many similarities in our situations after reading your other post. I really think this particular posting really applies to us. We have carried the ball so much that we have emasculated the men we have been involved with in so many ways and then get frustrated with them for acting like “the girl” and being so caught up in thier emotions….and not taking over planning and directing.

    I find this in my situations in dating often. So, for me, it is so so important to continue focusing on keeping my “side of the street” clean and forgetting about his. If I want a man to be different with me, then I have to be different and allow him room to be different. It’s amazing how challenging it is at times, yet so easy at others.

    Keep up the good work on yourself! I will do.

    And we shall see what we create and attract.

  314.  #314Violet on April 2, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    OMG!!! I could totally relate to Rori’s blog because the same thing happened to me!

    I feel like I’ve carried the ball so many times, it got too heavy. I found myself carrying the ball in my last relationship.

    Two months later, I literally had no energy or desire to carry the ball any longer. We agreed to call it off with no hard feelings and that’s how it’s been since.

    I haven’t called him and he hasn’t called me.

    It’s possible that we’ll run into each other, however, I have no plans to initiate conversation.

    I’ve stopped looking for a relationship. Sometimes I’m okay and sometimes I’m sad.

    I accept that it’s all part of the journey.

    ~ Violet ~

  315.  #315Lisa on April 2, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    I hate how moments of hating myself come when I think of how my recent fwb made me feel bad when he wanted me to wear a short skirt and heels and I didn’t have them. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t come over. I am sure he called another gal. So I feel triggered when I see a yonger woman dressed, skin showing in tasteful or tacky ways. Like I am not sexy enough. And I am a really attractive woman so this makes me feel hurt and pissed to feel bad about myself because I didn’t have sexy clothes. Ugh.

  316.  #316Lisa on April 2, 2011 at 4:18 pm

    A guy is interested in me on Chemistry.com and I feel pissed I cannot now see his profile without having to pay. He is younger like I want and intelligent. Now I cannot access his profile and he has sent me a chemistry starter to get things rolling. I feel pissed at these companies who play on a person’s deepest emotions to get money. I would like to see what this guy is like, but think their rates are ridiculous.

  317.  #317Annie on April 2, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Ok ladies, what do you think of this situation: I met this guy, we went out for drinks and dancing; he asked me home. I was hesitant, but decided “Oh why not”. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, and told him I wanted to move slow with *whatever* was going on. Was direct and honest in saying “I don’t want to be a one-night stand” which he agreed with. Oddly though, he kept asking me what I wanted, dating-wise. I haven’t been positive whether I want a serious relationship, but I know I want one eventually; told him that directly. We had honest conversations about that sort of stuff the whole night (and he let me stay til late in the afternoon the next day. Not even my old boyfriend would allow me!)

    Sure enough, he calls me a couple days later to ask me out again. We had an actual date (food and a concert), but I may have pushed him a bit by cuddling during the concert. He didn’t say anything, but still hugged and kissed me goodnight. Then the next weekend he was out of town, and called me. Next day I simply asked how did the rest of the evening go after he called, and he suddenly flipped out saying that he was stressed and couldn’t handle a relationship with anyone at the moment.

    I never said ANYTHING about “us” or tried to bring up “the Talk”…just having fun. I gave him a few days to cool off, and perhaps made the mistake of being the first to contact him again (but we already had plans for another concert, a band HE got me into, just wanted to make sure he got his ticket). Is it out of line to ask if we’re going to the show together, or to make any move now? I don’t want to have to look for him there and…argh! I’ve been so much better with him than I’ve been with any other guy I liked (in not contacting him EVERY day, letting him have the last word, etc) I don’t want to have to bring up the “What are we” discussion, or say “I felt confused and shellshocked when you freaked out about something that isn’t happening” (unless he wants to apologize; so far, no.) Any advice/opinion is more-than-welcome. Thanks in advance!

  318.  #318turquoise3 on April 2, 2011 at 5:17 pm


    I would say no, you shouldn’t contact him. You went out on two dates and then he flipped out and said he wasn’t ready? If you contact him now, whether you had plans or not, you’ll be leaning forward. If he wants to see you, he’ll call. Sorry that happened to you…. 🙁

  319.  #319Annie on April 2, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    @ turquoise3 – Thanks for your input. The concert we’re both going to is in a couple of days from now; it only makes sense since he got me into them that we go together…but nobody said boys make sense, haha. What kills me is that neither of us said or did anything suggesting we were pushing towards a “relationship” yet; just hanging out. I’d like to think he just took his stress out on me, but that is not acceptable without him apparently feeling that I was pushing him. He CALLED me the night before; he did all the talking, all light stuff. Well I’m already talking to other guys now anyway, so…

  320.  #320Violet on April 2, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    I completely related to Rori’s blog. I recently got out of a relationship where I had been carrying the ball.

    Well, that stops now. It’s time to break that energy draining cycle.

    That’s where I am now. No relationship, no searching for one, no dating. Now, I start each day with a clean slate.

    I’m making it okay to feel what I feel. In other words, I’m coming to terms with myself. It’s okay to do this. It’s okay not to feel guilty for doing this.

    It’s time to live ‘in the moment’. I care about people. I don’t need to let their opinions to have precedence over what I know is right for me.

    It’s time to rest. It’s to cry (if that’s what I need to do), it’s time to let go, time to heal, time to live, to laugh, to feel.

    Such is life and it’s time to accept that, too.


  321.  #321Brenda on April 3, 2011 at 12:15 am


  322.  #322sweetmandm on April 3, 2011 at 7:45 am

    Yay! I am spending the day with the man I really really like. I will stay grounded. I am the waterwheel, the SIREN, the light house. I will FEEL and I will express and I will lean back…..gosh this feels like my golf game all of a sudden, going over all of the points….hahaha!

    I will just be me, my sireny self.
    I can do it! I will be practicing……

    🙂 HUGS! and beautiful day to all you LOVELY SIRENS!

  323.  #323Daria on April 3, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Wow family talk/fight felt horrible maybe worst ever.

    Dad acts like an immature cd, the kind that I don’t let see me again cuz I feel bad around them.

    Umm I don’t know how to be seen, I feel unloved by him.

    He puts down me that my hair is flat, even that I care about pants hurting my tummy, that I don’t have sex appeal, that I drop glove, was last on slope these are things that he feels ashamed about . I feel kinda numb.

    I did also share I felt betrayed in life by him not supporting me w business.

    All started from him complaining that I’m tapping on phone while I’m typing my post.

    My posts to Alonka felt attacking/shaming to me I was wondering why my energy was like that and thus bust out.

    He even threatened to leave me there 100miles from home. Wtf. Cussed at me.

    Said it’s over w me and mom.

    It felt awful horrible heartbreaking I cried last hour hone.

    Horrible horrible

    I did best I could to express,
    I did get attacking. 🙁

    I feel afraid ge will abandon me and mom I said so too

    Feeling bamboozled right now

  324.  #324Anne on April 4, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Any advice for getting a man back that you once shared a “deep connection” with you both loved being together but he has lost his feelings due to communication problems?

  325.  #325lori on April 5, 2011 at 12:25 am

    Omg–i totaLy relate to your situation. I am feeling stupid cuz 5 days ago I told the guy who I thought was feelin the same way that on his bday–actually a week after that I wanted to go on a road trip and I thought he was jokin when he said “I don’t know if can taKe u for a full day”. When I text him l(er that night and asked were u kidding or serious when u said that he replied “not sure–will let u know” and I promptly responded “thanx. That’s what I needed to know” I was and m hurt and pissed—havent talked to him since……I feel stupId that I thought we were something—obviously not in his mind…

  326.  #326Tina on April 8, 2011 at 9:12 am

    I find this very good advice. I am going through a lot right now in the same manner. I panicked and said things to the ma I’m seen cause all of sudden he withraws after a weekend of my talking about if he was just using me for sex. I know bad move ! He seemed to be okay for a couple of days but probably discussed it with his divorced brother. Did I mention he is seperated from his wife and living with his brother and I was seeing him when he was still living with the wife but was in te midst of divorcing her. But now he said “a friend” needs his help and he needed space. I freaked out on him a little, but calmed down quickly. I think the “friend” is the wife. I am giving him his space this happened 3 days ago.

  327.  #327zeeni on April 29, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    i rori its me zeeni m very upset these days got to know abt ur blog i saw ur posts i hoped u will be the right person to guide me.my boy friend lives in another city m in relation with him for the last 1 year.he had been 3 girls in his past but none of he them inspired him to get married.i like him infact love him a lot and i want him to get commited with me.my parents r forcing me to merry soon and the society i belonged to is also a tough one. i have to werry as soon as possible because of social pressure.i have met him once and i had physical relation with him once in this whole time and that was his wish not mine .now i want to merry him but for the last 4 months he is not coming to meet me.he doesn’t call me he doesn’t sms me frequently.wehn i asked him to call me he says m bz.and sumtimes he says that guys r not so.guys do not talk much on phone and they r not in habbit of doing sms a lot.sumtmes i feel that he gets irritated with my msgs.rori i want to be with him i wnna be his wife and his siren plz advise me how to capture his inspiration.some people say once u get physically involve with sum one u lose his inspiration.is it true?or it has happened to me?i m very caring easy going person and i m young at age 26 and he is 30.i will be looking forward to ur advise

  328.  #328Diane on May 4, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    I am new to all of this, just finished the Have relationship you want. I think I am still confused. My guy lives 2000 miles away and I am getting calls maybe once a week. But I do sense as I read here, he is busy, he is occupied. So I try to do the same thing, not helping!

  329.  #329Liz on May 22, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I am in almost the same situation, I had a friends with benefits relationship for over a year, and me always rowing the boat and carring the ball, on April 29th he got upset because he told me he was going to give me a break and I told him I don’t need a break, maybe is you the one who need it, he was mad and told me it was better not to see each other anymore, for 3 weeks he did not contact me. Until last Friday, he texted me saying. Hi Liz just to say Hello and take care. Which I have not answer. I am desperate, I don’t know what to do, I want to answer him and just say, that I was out of town. Do you thing is wise to answer. With almost one month without seeing each other and only one message from him. I really really feel that this relasionship is gone, done, finish, nada

  330.  #330Brandy Richey on August 20, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I am in a similar situation. I met this really really terrific guy. At first he was showering me with affection. He was happy. I was ecstatic. Everything felt good. I was expressing emotion freely then.

    I have past abandonment issues that I have been working on so at times I get insecure. This insecurity has pushed him away because I now realize that I started taking on more and more of the masculine energy. I told him how I expected things to go without expressing feelings. I tried to control the situation. I tried to know what was going to happen. He stated that if I didn’t get my insecurities in check then he wasn’t sure how long he would be around.

    We got into a disagreement Friday. This stemmed from him being more distant, not calling since Tuesday. Not texting or asking about my day while he knew I was very concerned for my friends health. He seemed to push some insecurity buttons on purpose.

    This exploded into me saying I refused to be an option. That I was tired of being the one who initiated contact. He got angry. Told me to get my insecurities on a leash and that I needed to take this out on someone who deserved it. That I couldn’t control my insecurities about him not responding to me for awhile for more than a day.

    It’s been almost 24 hours since that text. I am not sure how to proceed. If I text then I am going against the very things I said bothered me. I’m scared that he will not contact me. I would like to express my feelings then give up the control completely and let him make the decision.

    I am not sure if a text is appropriate saying that I would like to talk?

  331.  #331Esteemed on August 20, 2011 at 2:51 pm


    Welcome! You have come to the right place! I so relate to you, and I am a recovering over-functioner. I know all about the insecurity and the overfunctioning to try to make it feel all better again.

    As much as dropping the ball and chain feels counter-intuitive in your insecure state, it is the healthiest thing for the relationship. What will serve the relationship?

    The best thing you can do right now with him is NOTHING. I know that feels terrifying, and I have been there.

    This is where baby steps come in. Connect with us here on the blog (most of us write on the newest thread). When you feel the urge to text him or call him, write to us here instead.

    This process is really about you learning how to love you. But it takes time and effort. I have just reconnected with the man I love 2 weeks ago, after 2 years since he broke up with me!

    I can’t say I’ve been perfect about not contacting him – not by a long shot! But I leaned back enough that it gave our relationship a chance to live.

    Can you make a “Like List”, of things you like to do, that make you feel better? Can you come up with 100 things? When the sadness and loneliness and insecurity overtake you, do one of those things…

  332.  #332Brandy Richey on August 20, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    I just feel that I should make the step to contact him since I was the one to push him away. Instead of talking about my feelings I shut down. Is it so bad to take the step to “show up”, allow him to make the next step and then switch to the feminine aspect and say how I feel?

  333.  #333alwaysalways on November 12, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    I have been living like that for 4 years, carrying the ball, doing all the work, letting him know how much he means to me, doing all i can because i am so far away from him to keep the love alive. I have done countless things, if you knew you would probably laugh at me, i am a giver. I have come to the end of my road, i can not hold the ball no more, i am exhausted, tired and feel like i have in no way received half of what i have given back, not that i have huge expectations, but some appreciation and love showing would be nice.i am devastated beyond belief, i have been so dedicated to him and not seeing anyone else, yet he lives on the other side of the world.When i decided to walk i stopped all contact no talking, because i had been down this road before, i communicated to him what i needed from him, which was simple. eg showing me love, through words or touch, to openly talk about his feelings, email me, call me, all simple yet for him too hard. i flew across the world too see him. he did not fly to me but met me in other destinations or we spent time at his home. i feel so shut down, so depleted, i feel empty and angry as to why i could not show myself the same love and respect i showed him. i gave my all. He tried a couple times to contact me and that is it. he walked away, his pride always gets in the way and he is stubborn sometimes to his own detriment. I know he still loves me, i am still in touch with his family, i should not be. How do i let go, move on, love myself, let go of the anger and grief. i believed in us. i want to move on and heal my heart, sometimes i find it hard to breath with the emptiness i feel

  334.  #334alone on February 22, 2012 at 5:35 am

    I have been with a man who lives in the US for almost 2 years now, we got engaged 2 months ago. Recently we had a fall out and i hurt him by ending the relationship on a whim, in a moment of anger. He is hurt and he will not understand why i did what i did no matter how hard i try to explain something i wasnt even thinking on to begin with. He says he still loves me but will not give me a chance to hurt him again, this i understand but for me its not reason enough to end our relationship, a break, yes but forever?..Im desperate for any advice, last we spoke i said im not going to beg, and that if he wants me then he will not end this for good, i will give him time, and space with his own feelings for sure, but i honestly am struggling with why he sees fit to end us, because i made a heat of the moment mistake. Its awful, and i hurt more because i hurt him..he hasnt spoke to me in iver 24hrs, what do i do?

  335.  #335Ms. Hemlock on March 2, 2012 at 10:48 pm

    Hi Alone,

    I hope you are doing well since you last commented. I’m newer to this site, but from what I’ve read, it seems like you have to let go of your specific OUTCOME or AGENDA for getting back together. And say to yourself, I can’t control what he does or thinks. And that means waiting for him to contact since he’s the one who pulled away from you. I know you say you initiated the break-up and feel like you have to contact him to make it better, but trying to make your guy understand things logically will only backfire.. For him to really MISS you and call you means WAITING–sometimes a few weeks after a break-up. He already knows you want to make things work again. Continue your life in the meantime. And get OUT of your mind and all the vicious little cycles that can make us feel crazy. Practice loving yourself AND experiencing & communicating your feelings (emotional states) with other people so that you have a flow of feelings instead of outbursts that hurt others. I found the “communication” blogs particularly helpful. I know it feels awful when you want to take back things you’ve said, so I hope you feel better soon.

  336.  #336Rori Raye on March 3, 2012 at 10:49 am

    Ms. Hemlock – Welcome, and I want to let you through – and let you also know the guidelines here. Advice-giving is not what we’re doing here (except for me) – can you rewrite everything from the “I formation”? – This means you’re sharing your feelings and experiences – NOT using the word “you,” – and not giving advice and making judgments of ANY kind. The only exception to this is if you’re a professional coach or therapist. Hope this makes sense, Love, Rori

    To ALL – I want to put up a “Commenting Guidelines” page – if you’d like to contribute to it, and really demonstrate what we’re going for here to create safety and support…write it to Melanie@CoachRori.com, and I’ll include it on the page….Love, Rori

  337.  #337Nicola on March 22, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    After reading all this i guess now i forget my problems but here i go. Im 35 no kids never married pretty successful and Id say quite attractive. This month I have met two men that I was very interested in. First one we started texting, we met, of course, and yes there was distance between us and his divorce he is going thru but the moment i started to show my emotions he pulled away, he said I could be his girlfriend if I wasnt so much drama… Anyhow we continued on and the more I said to him the more he went away. I was making myself crazy wanting to know what i did. So finally one night he calls and says hes so attracted to me and he doesnt think this is the right time but wants to stay friends. My old reaction would of been to act needy and crazy, but I said sure if thats what u want than thats what ill give you. His friendship has yet to be demonstrated to me but I have text him to have a good day, and he returned it. So met this new guy long distance SD to NE and we are hitting it off really well, just met off a site. So we are texting and I say so ur busy with your new job and all the new women from mm. He replys the job is good and busy; and you will find a good guy in sd. So i say ok thanks. Then he says the distance would be to hard. Then I say Distance I don’t think is the problem but hey thanks for being honest. I was kind of enjoying this and i thought u were to but I was mistaken. And is this the end of our texting. He says I am going to bed. Still tired from last night, We both say good night… I can see I’m starting to push him away with all my crazy needy emotions… Please someone give me advice for tommorrow.

  338.  #338Lilith on June 11, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Ok all, so this is going to sound like a dumb question…but would the following be classified as a long distance relationship…he works up in camp for 2 weeks and is back for a week….or he works up in camp for 10 days and is back for 4 days….?


  339.  #339Sharon on February 28, 2013 at 9:46 pm

    I met a man on line end of May, 2012. We exchanged emails for a while then when the trust level was there we spoke on the phone. We also Skyped a few times to see that we were in fact who we described ourselves to be. After two months of texting and talking almost every day, he came out to visit me on my birthday. The first trip was a road trip to a festival in another state. We drove 8 hours and spent 3 days together then drove back. In that time we had a few misunderstandings….seems he was very upset with a few texts I received from unimportant guys. But we cleared that up and got over a little bump. Though I did notice he was effected by other men’s interest in me. We did get past that and in 6 weeks he came out again and we spent a great weekend together and got a little closer. We agreed that we would be monogamous at that point and not see other people. (first error)

    The last time he came out was on HIS birthday and I bought him a matching ring to mine to wear on his right hand. He promptly put it on his ring finger and switched my ring to my ring finger and called us mr and mrs for the weekend. He spoke of the future and that he wanted to get married again at some point so he did say things to me that were indicative of his interest in a future with me. After he returned home he said that is heart was with me and a few weeks later it was Thanksgiving and he said in a voice message that he was so very thankful that I was in his life. I was planning on visiting him for the Christmas holidays and I really had a feeling that he might even propose at that point things seemed to be moving forward so well (I thought). When the first of December came he had not gotten a ticket for me to come visit as he had mentioned, so I offered to purchase one but he insisted he would take care of it. A week later no ticket…no mention of my coming out so I became a little anxious on our next phone conversation and said that we should really get a ticket soon because it might be hard with the holidays and I so wanted to be with him at that time. At that point he seemed to freak and said he couldn’t do this anymore…that it was too painful and his work was too demanding (he is a doctor) and could he call me later because he had to see a patient. I was so heartbroken at that point that I just felt I couldn’t talk to him later so I texted him that I loved him and that I wanted him to do what he needed to do and not make any decisions right now and let’s talk after the holidays. He texted me the next day saying ok love you too, and that was it until I received a Christmas card from him that told me in past tense how he was falling in love with me and his career was taking a second place and he just couldn’t do it right now. He said he didn’t know what the future would bring but that the past with me was beauty, love, my hand in his and our lips together…and love always.

    New Years night he called at about 3:00 a.m his time and wished me happy new years and rambled on about I don’t know what but nothing about us. That was the last time I spoke with him. He did text me a few weeks later about some abstract thing and we did text back and forth for a few moments and I said I would love to talk with him, he said ok he would contact me later that evening. I was so looking forward to our talk…but he never called. Two weeks later I texted him that I was moving on and I wished him the best. He never responded of course because what could he say. On Valentines day I felt compelled to text him Happy Valentines and always wishing you the best. He did respond with Happy Valentines Day to me as well. That was my last communication with him. I am still very much in love with him and my heart is hurt. I felt that his excuse for not wanting to continue our relationship because of work did not ring true…I did try and find out if he was married but could not find anything in the public record. Everyone seemed to think that was his reason for him not wanting me out there. I am so not sure what do here. Do I let it go…do I hope he will want to connect with me at some point….do I stay in touch…..do I call him and ask him what really happened…..If I would have read Rori’s advice before this happened I think I could have saved it or at least had some clarity about why he left …but I only started reading after it fell apart and now I’m not sure it’s salvageable. I only know that he once wanted me…..wanted a future with me….and freaked when it became so real. I know you have advice for men like that…but can it be applied to someone who lives in another state and there is no way of seeing him or meeting with him or knowing what’s really going on in his life. I’m not sure he would even take my call at this point.

    I am dating again and trying to stay busy and distracted but my thoughts go back to him and there is still hope in my hurt heart.

    What do you think I need to do here…..=(

  340.  #340Rori Raye on February 28, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    Sharon, Welcome, and I know you’ll get a lot of help here…the thing is – all your heartache is based on the assumption that he was who you believed he was, and he felt about you as he said – and yet, his actions don’t show that. All that happened here was words. Also – I hear you being so “understanding” – and that’s something I’d like to encourage you to look at.

    In my world, it’s not possible to “be in love” with someone who isn’t in love with you. It’s just something we little girls were taught – that unrequited love, or love that didn’t work out was somehow the most passionate and exciting. It’s just not true. Love takes maturity, and relationship skills, and desire, and availability, and time, and commitment. This man demonstrated none of that. Some of the most emotionally disconnected and unrelatable men are the most charming, and they can snow you like no other. Some men can only do the dramatic weekend every once in a while. I’m not saying he did this on purpose to hurt you – it’s sometimes just about being clueless. Please, please Circular Date and learn how men work, and get yourself out where the right man for you can find you! You can DO this! Love, Rori