Eliminate The 2 Main Blocks To Love With EFT This Way

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Here’s a great guest post from my friend and amazing therapist Susan Quinn, who’s also my Monthly Interviews With Relationship Experts interviewee for May – you’ll be totally thrilled with the interview – it’s like a full-out session with her, with me as your stand in…

by Susan Quinn

The most common block to creating an intimate relationship is one that we all feel at some time in our lives...the belief that we are not good enough to have the relationship we want or that we are not lovable enough to have someone of our choosing to love us.

This can be healed by working with each limiting belief that we have acquired from painful experiences from childhood.  I will explain how to do this in the next section when I talk about removing the emotional pull of impossible attractions.

The other thing that causes us to miss out on having a fulfilling relationship is that we are compelled to choose people who will bring us pain rather than pleasure.

And you may be wondering why we would do that.  It is an unconscious choice we make.  We form an image in our mind in childhood of our ideal partner based on the good and bad traits of a parent.

For example if you had a parent who was critical of you and no matter how hard you tried to please them they withheld love and approval from you, you may be attracted  to partners who are critical of you and can’t really see your good traits.

Here’s an Exercise to find a negative trait from a parent that you were hurt or affected by:

1. Write down the most painful (to you) trait of one of your parents that had a strong emotional pull for you.

It could be a critical and withholding parent, a violent  or angry parent a parent who played the helpless victim role with you and you felt compelled to rescue that parent much of the time.

If you spent much of your energy rescuing and care-taking a parent who played a victim role, you will probably attract many victim types into your life.  Playing the care-taking role can become very familiar and comfortable if you learned to play that role as a child.

2. Identify negative traits in your parents.

A.  Identify the 1 or 2 negative traits that you suffered from the most with either parent.

B.   Notice if your past partners had any of these traits.  This can be very subtle but you will find these traits in people you have attracted into your life. I call these impossible attractions.

To eliminate the pull of impossible  attractions:
First Feel the pain of the wound from the rejection of a parent. and use
EFT to heal and release the old pain by tapping on the EFT meridians while simply feeling this old  pain. Tapping on the pain moves the painful feelings through the body. Then use EFT with “inner child work” to give the wounded part the loving , compassion, and understanding it needed…repairing the original wound.
When you release the pain and heal up the hole made by the original wound, you can stop attracting people who will re-injure that original wound, while hoping that they will meet those earlier needs that were unmet.

Pain holds  limiting beliefs about ourselves  in place.
We want to learn to meet our own needs.  The paradox here is that when we can heal our own pain and not depend on a partner to do it, we will have lots of partners who will want to do it for us.  This type of self reliance is something people are very attracted to- it feels very free.
Here is a tapping sequence for releasing the blocks to finding  and allowing in love.  This works in part because it addresses all the obstacles that are causing the problem.  Only after we have acknowledged something, can we change it.  After acknowledging the problem then this process taps the negative feelings away.

Here’s a tapping experience. For allowing in the one who can be a good  partner for  you.     You can do this over and over and the more you do it the more you will have cleared out a lot of the fears and limiting beliefs that block you from having the relationship you want.

We start tapping on the side of the hand below the little finger, called the karate point…  so tapping on the side of the hand  now, repeat after me:
Even though I often feel  unworthy of  having a loving  intimate relationship  I   want to completely  accept myself anyway,
Even though I feel unlovable I completely accept myself now.
Even though I don’t feel like anyone would stay with me if they really knew me I want to deeply and completely accept myself now.

Now tapping on the inside corner of the eyebrow, designated by“EB”
EB I don’t deserve to have someone I would want to be with. Corner of the eye “CE “A great person wouldn’t want me. .Under the eye”UE” I am only attractive to losers. Under the nose “UN” I’m afraid if I meet someone good they will find out that I’m flawed. Collar bone “CB” It’s pointless to even try because all the good ones are already taken anyway.  Under the arm”UA” What if someone desirable was able to love me? “Top of head “TH” What if a good person was able to  really love me after all?  EB what if that could really happen once or twice or even three times?{Keep tapping around the points }  Is it possible? What if they could like me with all my faults and negative traits?  What if they actually liked my negative traits? What if I actually enjoyed the things about them that they didn’t like ? What if they found my negative traits delightful? What if they accepted all my shortcomings and I accepted theirs as well.What if they wanted me even thought I have all these challenges?  What if they were accepting of their own problems and mine as well?  What if I could see beyond their frailties and  challenges and  they could see beyond mine as well?  What if I could accept their challenges and quirks and could see their spiritual  being?What if I could love their soul and they could just simply love each other in pure acceptance? Isn’t that what we all want anyway?

If you do this tapping sequence every day at least once you will change your beliefs about your ability to have the relationship you want.

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470 Comments

  1.  #1Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 8:07 am

    Top o’ the mountain claimed for SLV! Miss you honey. I hope Sweetie is alright. 😉



  2.  #2tinque on April 28, 2011 at 8:07 am

    I suppose I’m top ‘o the world today.
    Happy almost Friday!!!
    xxoo



  3.  #3tinque on April 28, 2011 at 8:07 am

    oops missed by seconds. SS beat me to it.

    muah SS.

    xxoo



  4.  #4Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 8:23 am

    I swear my life has super synchronicity happening these days. I’m working on my relationship patterns for the Calling In The One class. It dawned on me that most of my life I’ve blamed my father for my jacked up relationships (because I believed he didn’t love me) but I’ve never really focused on my relationship with my mother. It’s odd that I haven’t ever looked there.

    I don’t have time right now to read the entire post but I feel excited to work on this tonight.

    One thing I do want to share from the Calling In The One course is my intention for what I want to create in my life with my honey.

    I intend to create a rich, juicy experience of love, adventure, and joy with my beloved. Exploration, encouragement, laughter, and gratitude are the pillars of our life. Together we will create a happy, inspiring home, living our lives passionately, and sharing all we’re learning with the whole community.

    The italics are also in honor of SLV. 😀



  5.  #5Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Oh hi Tinque! Thanks for the kisses! Right back at ya babe. 😉



  6.  #6Kyla on April 28, 2011 at 9:03 am

    I completely agree with this post. My ex husband had all the worst traits of my mother. Played victim, needed me to solve all his problems, anger issues, violence, nothing I did ever good enough, if he’s not happy I’ve no right to be happy… I spent the last 2 years healing those issues, leaving the abusive marriage, forgiving my mother and starting a new relationship with her and discovering new hobbies, friends and a new relationship.

    I don’t feel triggered by this. I feel peaceful and aware. I feel proud of my progress. That feels good. Yay me!



  7.  #7Femininepower on April 28, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Congrats Kyla



  8.  #8Femininepower on April 28, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Wow Rori, th8is is powerfully focussing on the self. Thanks.



  9.  #9Meemee on April 28, 2011 at 9:44 am

    I think I have a pull towards people with “bad behavior patterns”. I found out the reason. My mom was a high school teacher who almost completely dedicated her life to transforming bad bully boys into gentle and responsible people. She brought them home, gave them counselling, shed tears for them in prayer, scolded them, prayed for them and almost ALL of them changed. Every now and then I have seen well placed smiling young men coming home and asking mom “Madam, do you remember me. I was that horrible incorrigible boy you taught in high school. Because of you I am in a good position now”. They would hug her and thank her profusely.
    I think I learned it from her that every bad boy can be transformed through love and hope.
    Wrong.
    Not every frog can be transformed into a gentleman prince.
    I should take my “transformation/reformation” agenda from my love life.
    Wow. I got a task for myself!!!
    Cheers
    Meemee



  10.  #10Meemee on April 28, 2011 at 9:49 am

    I do that a lot in friendships too.
    Almost everytime I listen to the problems of my friends without any boundaries, bring them home, give them a shoulder to cry and even try to solve their problems by doing things for them.
    All of this is part of friendship, I agree.
    But in most of my case, this becomes friendship for me. And I end up feeling frustrated and drained out after months and months of listening and problem solving. Then I conclude i have no friends and I am not lovable.
    Time to change.

    Great post
    I love it.
    Meemee



  11.  #11Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Mariar says:

    About circular dating: Im in a go nowhere relationship & im trying to make things works out so im new to all this. He is out of town working and I told him I was going to go have a couple beers w my best friend. He sounded like he was ok with it but yesterday he didnt call or texted @ all? Does this mean he is upset/ How do I apporoach him and talk about it? Any ideas?

    ____________________________________________________

    Maria, you should read your post over and over. I noticed something right off the bat.

    “Im in a go nowhere relationship & im trying to make things works out so im new to all this.”

    I am not sure why you are trying to make a “go nowhere” relationship, work out.

    Then you note that you told him in advance that you were going to go out with a friend. Was this a guy friend or a girl friend? I will admit that most men will not be comfortable going out of town while their woman meets up with another man. Even if he is just a “friend.” Many affairs have started with somebody who was “just a friend.”

    But that is something he will have to deal with. Maybe if he starts making the relationship go somewhere, he won’t need to feel threatened.

    As a man, I will admit that I have dealt well with the issue of “guy friends” and not dealt well with it. It all depended on the girl and how she handled it.

    If she was secretive about a lot of things, and seemed way too chummy with a guy, then of course it sets off warning bells.

    Also, I have seen where the “friend” really isn’t a friend, and wants more with her, and if he detects the slightest jealousy, or if the girl tells him that her guy is jealous, he will use that to cause problems in the relationship.

    He will send little signals to the other guy that says, “you need to be worried.” and, “I am laughing at you because I am going to steal your girl and there is nothing you can do about it.” All of this is of course designed to make him act jealous which will cause problems in the relationship. And of course, being the good friend, he is conveniently there to offer “sage” advice and give you a shoulder to cry on when you are frustrated to tears.

    I say all of this because I am assuming the friend is a guy, because I wouldn’t see a reason for him to be worried about you meeting up with another girl that is a friend.



  12.  #12Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Good catch Rusty.

    Maria, why are you trying to work things out in a relationship you feel is going nowhere? What’s the draw with this guy? How long have you been dating?



  13.  #13Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Lilybelle says:

    “Stuff like, buy a new Harley and go on long road trips”

    Pick me up on the way, I make an excellent passenger.

    😉

    _________________________________________________

    Cool, but remember, I also mentioned camping.

    I’ve had motorcycles, and done long road trips…and I have gone camping a lot. But I have never combined the two. I’ve seen people do it and often thought, that would be a blast. But of course, you have to do without a lot of the creature comforts since there is only so much room on a motorcycle for the gear. 😉



  14.  #14Femininepower on April 28, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Got these in an email from CCarter. I find it amazing.
    The most powerful breakthroughs I’ve seen that have brought amazing positive change and growth to a woman’s love life are all about better understanding your own psychology and behavior.

    In other words, YOU are the greatest coach, teacher, leader, mentor and guide that you’ll ever have.

    I know it might sound trite.

    It might even sound downright stupid and a waste of your time and energy.

    It’s not.

    The reality is that there are 10 million new ideas and “techniques” out there for you to look at, try and waste your time with.

    NONE of those matter if they don’t do something about YOU and how you think and feel INSIDE.

    The “inside” is what drives EVERYTHING else.



  15.  #15Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:27 am

    long motorcycle road trips with camping – that is my ex-h to a T.



  16.  #16Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Feeling vulnerable to share this… I am feeling envious of TN and gf’s relationship. It is not what I would want, but I wish it was bc it seems so free, fun, intimate, and loving. They live together, “would probably marry if he was someone who would do that again,” and they have sex with other people – both together and separately. They have mutual love and happiness and all the sex they want. I envy them for what they have – and for being so free and non-possessive and… secure. Yes, free and secure – th



  17.  #17Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Free and secure – the perfect combination. I feel sad and anxious about all this right now.



  18.  #18Daria on April 28, 2011 at 10:41 am

    I was going to post a recording from another practitioner doing essentially these same exercises. It helped me a lot, I didn’t do the ones about impossible attractions yet though.

    This morning I’m feeling good scared numb and sad.

    My parents were arguing I turn the music on and I told them I don’t want arguing I want u’s to be happy – big change for me.

    And so my mom came and told ne how she wants a divorce.

    I will just do Abraham hicks style manifesting the healed family.

    I cried just now but am actually feeling good when I check w myself.

    I did Wendi Friesen’s Wake up happy hypnosis recording last nigh, and I think that is why in the smaller picture of manifesting.

    My mom also talked about not wanting to feel manipulated by me but that felt weird. I’m not wanting to manipulate anyone, other than to heal, and even there I’m being aware the best I can to Not control.

    Maybe its actually a sign that I’m speaking up well for Myself.



  19.  #19Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:45 am

    The security I desire is not about fear of a guy leaving – that has never happened to me. I desire the security that I will receive all the Attention I want/need/deserve within a relationship. This ties in with the article bc I did not receive much positive attention as a child. They never physically left me, but I lacked attention. This also happened in my marriage – which is why I ended it. Interestingly, TN just told me that his marriage ended for the same reasons mine did… and he said to lo



  20.  #20Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:47 am

    said to look up “asexual” bc that is what both our exes are and why we didn’t get what we needed.



  21.  #21Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Meemee: It felt good to read your above posts. I do the same thing. And I too have the same task. 🙂

    Daria: Is it possible that divorce is one way that a family can be healed? In my case, divorce gave me a healthier family dynamic than I ever had while married. I’m closer to my ex-h now than I ever was while married (sans the sex of course). Our relationship is different in many ways but most of them good ways. Maybe this would free you up from this painful belief.



  22.  #22Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:50 am

    So it would be great to have a loving “open” relationship while feeling completely secure in my partner’s affection and attention – or not needing/wanting anymore than what he gives. I guess it’s having your cake and eating it too.



  23.  #23Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I’ve done the work described in the article many times on this issue of attention and I thought it was mostly healed…but apparently not since it is being triggered by TN’s convo with me. 🙁



  24.  #24Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 10:55 am

    The weird thing is, I have also been in relationships where I got “too much” attention. So it is a Goldilocks conundrum.



  25.  #25Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Meemee,

    Re: #9 – Wow, I so relate. That’s nice how your Mom did that, tho.



  26.  #26Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 11:04 am

    Lucy, correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t you invited into TN man & gf’s relationship at one time?



  27.  #27Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Meemee,

    RE: #10 – Wow, again I so relate! I got a chuckle one day as I took this quote to heart that I saw on a coffee mug: “I resign myself as general manager of the world!”

    If only I could remember that from one moment to the next. I am too busy trying to fix everyone else. I don’t seem to be able to fix myself.



  28.  #28Meemee on April 28, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Breanda
    I am happy you can relate to me.
    Indeed it was. I always feel great respect for my mom when I think of this aspect of hers.
    But I inherited it in a wrong way. She was doing that with her school kids when she was happily married to my dad and had reasonable amount of friends.
    I do that with men who are of my age or older than me. And with my friends.
    Friendships should be mutually complementing. Tear wiping and supporting apart, any reformation agenda in frienships can be frustrating. This is a situation where I actually start trying to generate happiness for my loved ones.
    We all know its impossible. LOL
    I feel happy that this post helped me find out one of my fatal patterns in friendships.
    Love u
    Hugs
    Meemee



  29.  #29Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 11:13 am

    Lily – yes I was… but we live four hours apart so it would have been long distance for me.



  30.  #30Daria on April 28, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Simply Shannon – wow I feel like I want to kill you reading that. Or at least write it. Ok

    That feeling has passed and back to feeling good and loving towards you

    Mm it’s possible

    What would feel good to me is my family to heal and stay together in an emotionally healthy supportive way.

    The thoughts that bother me – and that im doing energy work on – are: seeing my dad w another woman .. Mind picture

    Belief that both would recreate issues w other partners or in life –

    Knowing that we ate good people who love each other – huge regret

    Perception that all that’s missing is applying 4 rules and walk away tool.

    Feeling like rug getting swept from underfoot.

    Belief thatthis would have big impact on me ad in I would no longer believe in lasting relationships.



  31.  #31Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 11:15 am

    Daria and Shannon,

    Re: #21 – I agree with Shannon. My biggest fear growing up was my parents divorcing. It finally happened, just before their 25th anniversary, when I was 21.

    I cried a lot; I gained 30 lbs…but in the long term, I saw that each parent was more content apart. And we were each in a better position to get healing. I feel sad that my Mom stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for 25 years for the sake of her kids. She lost her identity and self-worth in the process.

    They’ve been divorced over 25 years now, and she still doesn’t know who she is. Just too many years of damage. Ugh.



  32.  #32Mercedes on April 28, 2011 at 11:16 am

    Just subscribing for now…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  33.  #33Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 11:17 am

    Lucy,

    RE: #22 – You said, “So it would be great to have a loving “open” relationship while feeling completely secure in my partner’s affection and attention – or not needing/wanting anymore than what he gives. I guess it’s having your cake and eating it too.”

    That is what I had with Kenny. I feel deep trust with him. But then I guess the dynamics were different cuz of him being in prison.



  34.  #34Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 11:20 am

    #29 Lucy,

    I was just thinking that if this was something you wanted to explore- you do have the opportunity. And I dunno, maybe trying it LD isn’t such a bad idea. If you found it wasn’t for you, you wouldn’t find yourself running into these people around town later on. Maybe a way to experiment?



  35.  #35Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 11:21 am

    What does it mean when people post “subscribing”?



  36.  #36Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Meemee,

    RE: #28 – Interesting! Where I relate is I was raised going to church and all sorts of Christian meetings, and there were many testimonies of ex-drug addicts, ex-alcoholics, and ex-inmates completely turning their lives around. I grew up on farms, where often the hired hands were these same people.

    I am pondering what you said in combination with a quote Jonathon Aslay posted in reference to me dating inmates:

    Found this interesting article:
    Women falling in love with convicts is not a rare phenomenon: It’s all about control and power, according to German psychologist and media expert Christian Luedke.

    “Women who fall in love with criminals are more often than not suffering from depression,” Luedke told Deutsche Welle. He said that for some women, it was easier to have a relationship with a criminal than to deal with their own fate. Psychologist Luedke says such relationships are doomed to failure

    “It’s the fascination with the heinous side of human nature,” Luedke said. Often, they are full or anger and aggression themselves. They fall in love with men who symbolize what the women themselves can’t act on.

    To a certain extent, these women believe they can turn the criminal into a better human being, but in the end “it is the women who need the relationship, they are giving the convict what they themselves have lacked most in life: time, affection, love and devotion,” Luedke said.

    …and I couldn’t argue with it.

    Sometimes I feel like I am just waking up from a long coma and coming to life in the real world, the scary world, of people.



  37.  #37Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 11:25 am

    Hi Brenda. Yeah I agree the dynamics are different. Do you have any insight about the feelings I shared?



  38.  #38Daria on April 28, 2011 at 11:35 am

    I also have a belief I don’t want that the more healed and powerful a person gets the more they get tested w personal catastrophes to prove their equanimity

    Ie the harder and harsher their life gets. To compensate

    Like Job.

    I am shifting this belief now… I just thought… Prove to who

    Actuly working on healing and power to make life Easier and Happier.



  39.  #39Daria on April 28, 2011 at 11:38 am

    I just did energy magic on
    ‘you wouldn’t need to grow if there weren’t greater challenges in the future that you need to be strong for”

    Warrior training mentality.



  40.  #40Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Lily – I thought about experimenting as you say, and what I came up with is that the LD would exacerbate the issue of attention (I’m sure I would want more attention than I would get during times apart – and I would have a “left out” feeling during those times.) When I am feeling especially horny, though, I am very tempted to hop on a westbound train. 😀



  41.  #41Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 11:47 am

    #40 Lucy,

    Yes I see what mean about the issue of attention. I was thinking more along the lines that such an arrangement may look fun, easy, breezy from outside, but actually living in a sexually/emotionally intertwined group may present it’s own challenges. Jealousy. Priorities. Time allocation. Taking sides when there’s conflict. And the inevitable friction that sometimes presents when different personalities co-exist in the same household, or interact together everyday.

    It’s not a lifestyle that holds any appeal to me, but for someone who wanted to try it…LD might be a good way to “get their feet wet” so to speak before plunging into a major lifestyle change.



  42.  #42Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 11:49 am

    And Lucy, couldn’t TN man (with or without gf) come visit and “service” you once in awhile? 😉



  43.  #43Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 11:50 am

    19: Lucy says:

    The security I desire is not about fear of a guy leaving – that has never happened to me. I desire the security that I will receive all the Attention I want/need/deserve within a relationship. This ties in with the article bc I did not receive much positive attention as a child. They never physically left me, but I lacked attention.

    ________________________________________________________

    I think that physical touch is hugely important in that if you are very mismatched here, you should not be in a relationship. As somebody who is a “toucher/cuddler” touching and being touched comes in on my “needs” list right after food, air and water.

    My opinion has long been that if one partner feels that the other is too demanding in this area, and the other feels that they don’t get enough, then they are not a good fit for each other and resentment will grow in the relationship because of this. IMHO it is a recipe for disaster.



  44.  #44Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Tinque – I have a question for you… I noticed at least three times you “contradicted” Rusty – and I agreed and was glad every time – and might have done it myself if I wasn’t trying to practice Rori’s tools… so my question is, is “contradicting” indeed part of what we’re Not supposed to do with men? – and would you have avoided doing it if he was your beau? (I feel a lil afraid you will hear judgment in this – None is intended! Just wanting to clarify my understanding.) Thanks. <3



  45.  #45Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 11:55 am

    Wow! Cool synchronicity!

    I finally had a productive eft session yesterday.

    I’ve tried it before but never seemed to really work. Then yesterday I followed along with some YouTube videos on fastereft with Robert Smith and it really worked!

    He uses different pressure points than I have used in the past and they really seemed to work for me.

    I feel excited about this!

    And Rori’s interview this month is with Susan, the poster above. I feel excited to receive it.

    Daria, I feel curious what link you were going to post earlier? I’d love to check it out.



  46.  #46Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Daria,

    RE: #30 – You said, “Knowing that we ate good people who love each other – huge regret”

    Whew, did I miss something? Are you really from New Guinea? 😆



  47.  #47Daria on April 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Wooo. The angels just sent a homegirl I actually Like to call me and ask me to go out tonite to a club that I Like and with two men!

    Out the blue! I feel excited.

    Thank you Angels



  48.  #48Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Hi SS!

    You’ve been on my mind lately and I felt so happy to read your updates this morning.

    I’d love to hear more about your class too!

    Xoxo



  49.  #49Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Lily 41. That is why I feel envious of Them – bc it’s just the two living together but with other partners coming in and out (no pun intended!) – and they feel no jealousy or possessiveness or insecurity.



  50.  #50Daria on April 28, 2011 at 11:59 am

    Brenda – thanks for joking w me and making me smile



  51.  #51Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 12:00 pm

    Lucy, Hey honey! So… a whole bunch of questions for you to think on… 🙂

    If your ex didn’t give you attention, where do you think you may have lacked giving attention to your ex? Since we’re a reflection of what we’re seeing, it’s there somewhere.

    Same question re: being asexual. Where were you asexual? (Which I’m kind of surprised to read since I thought your ex had a sex addiction. ?? I could be remembering that wrong.)

    If it was a sexual addiction, where are/were you addicted?

    You may have already pondered all this but it’s what jumped out at me as I was reading.



  52.  #52Meemee on April 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Brenda 27
    I want that mug too 🙂 🙂
    Meemee



  53.  #53Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Also ladies, can I say something about touching? As a man, I like to concentrate on what I like about a woman and that goes for touching also. I came to notice a trend in my relationships. Those women that were what I call “touchers” never really seemed to care where I touched, just so long as I touched. But the ones who weren’t touchers always found a reason to complain about it. One that was a pet peeve of mine is the complaint that the touching is too sexual. BS.

    Sorry but that always came across as an excuse not to be touched. For instance, one woman I had absolutely perfect boobs. Not huge, just perfect. Maybe large B or C but not huge. it’s not like I did this every time but often if she was standing at a counter, or cooking, I would spoon up behind her and put my arms around her. Of course, the hands like something to do also and so they would find something they like…like her boobs. Sue me…I’m a guy. 😉

    One day she had been acting irritated and when I did that, she says, “Do you always have to do that?” I said “Do what?” and she said, “Grab my boobs.” I had to point out to her that I did not always do that. But I also pointed out to her that I didn’t want to be in a relationship where there was some kind of right touch wrong touch bean counting going on.

    I mean sheesh, if I want asexual touching all of the time, I’ll go hug one of my relatives like a sister or aunt.

    Now, on the other hand, one woman I was with was very into touching and she had an onion butt. You know, looks so good makes you want to cry. 😛

    Anyway, I don’t think I hardly ever passed her without giving her butt a little attention. Little squeeze, pinch or slap, like when I passed her in the bathroom and she was at the sink. What I got was playful smiles, winks, etc…when I did this and she would complain that her butt was feeling neglected if I passed by without doing that.

    What learned is I prefer being with the latter type. I like to touch a lot, and some of that will be sexual, and the last thing I want is to have to walk on egg shells wondering if my touching is somehow being used to judge me, etc…



  54.  #54Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    The thing is, if it was Me in that situation Instead of her – I woudn’t be happy with it the way she is. I’m sure that’s why he looked for her instead of pursuing a pairing with me – he knew I wouldn’t ultimately want that even though I felt curious about it. So I guess I just don’t like the feeling of envy. I haven’t experienced that feeling in about ten years! (I used to feel it all the time when younger.)



  55.  #55Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #37 – Not really, I guess.



  56.  #56Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Daria, “Belief that this would have big impact on me and I would no longer believe in lasting relationships.”

    Is that true?

    If you didn’t have that belief, who would you be?

    How would you feel with your parents if you didn’t have this belief?



  57.  #57Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    44: Lucy says:

    Tinque – I have a question for you… I noticed at least three times you “contradicted” Rusty – and I agreed and was glad every time – and might have done it myself if I wasn’t trying to practice Rori’s tools… so my question is, is “contradicting” indeed part of what we’re Not supposed to do with men? – and would you have avoided doing it if he was your beau? (I feel a lil afraid you will hear judgment in this – None is intended! Just wanting to clarify my understanding.) Thanks. <3

    _____________________________________________________

    I didn't mind that she contradicted me at all and even if we were a couple, I would not have minded. She did it in a way that did not trigger me for some reason, which is good.

    Now, however, I would prefer that my woman not contradict me in public. Nor should I do that to her. I want everyone to know I support my woman, so I would not do that in public. If I disagreed with her, I would tell her later in private. I would want her to know that even though we can disagree, and agree to disagree, I will always have her back.



  58.  #58Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Rusty 43. Thank you- I feel very heard and validated by your words! He often said/acted like I was too needy and demanding in this regard – and as you said it was disastrous. He gave me very little attention, very little touch, and very little eye contact or even looking at me at all. And this was true of my mom (except when I was being “bad”). My dad too – but I excused him bc of his work and coaching. And he made up for it once in awhile with some high quality connection. Thanks Rusty – it means a lot.



  59.  #59Daria on April 28, 2011 at 12:15 pm

    Shannon I feel angry and betrayed by both of them because we made an unspoken commitment to stick together.

    I feel crying.

    Fuchk them

    I sm so angry

    Why the Fuchk an I living this stupid life anyway

    I want to die

    I hate Youuuj

    I hate these feelings of pain

    This was stupid

    I never should have decided to love

    Please remind me to not incarnate because living here sex



  60.  #60Daria on April 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    How dare they leave me when I sacrificed my lil soul for them!

    Feeling mad

    Feeling bored

    Changing feelings

    Focusing on good feeling stuff now

    Mmmmm

    I was in the middle of Eft



  61.  #61Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    13:

    I have no problem doing without creature comforts. Toss a few things in the saddle bags and I’m ready to go.

    😉



  62.  #62Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    13: But let me get my nails done first.



  63.  #63Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    #49 Lucy,
    “That is why I feel envious of Them – bc it’s just the two living together but with other partners coming in and out (no pun intended!) – and they feel no jealousy or possessiveness or insecurity.”

    But would YOU be able to feel no jealousy, possessiveness, or insecurity?

    And I see you answered that in your post # 54. 🙂

    Lucy, I don’t know you, but I just have the feeling you would be happiest with just one man who showered you with attention, rather than the semi-competativeness that could arise in a polyamorous situation. I don’t have any experience with such a situation though. Does anyone else on the blog?



  64.  #64Daria on April 28, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    So angry I feel like I can’t deal w thus huge fireball of hotness!!!!!

    Aaaaaashhhhhhhh



  65.  #65Meemee on April 28, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Brenda
    I too spend my childhood going to church meetings and in a born again christian family. I used to go to mission fields and do evangelistic work talking to people (mostly my peer group) and trying to help them from their bad habits and behaviors. that was once upon a time, when I was in my teenage.
    I still cherish those moments.
    Though I could relate to them and sympathize with them I could maintain a decent level of objectivity. But in friendships when I applied the same pattern I found it disturbing. Mainly because I felt empty after talking to my friends because I was fdeeply subjective in my friendships. I hoped, I expected, I wanted, I craved etc etc.
    I miserably failed in my attempts not to hope and expect things from my friends. Also I felt miserable when I realized that I am trying to control things in their life so that they can be happy.
    A friend was talking to me endlessly about her problems in the office (where X also works) a month back. I was trying not to think about X those days. I couldnt ask her to stop talking about that office and those folks because I wanted to make her happy. I couldnt bear to listen to her stories (10 times mentioning X and his girl friends) because that was tearing me apart.
    This inability to draw lines between personal happiness and others’ happiness is what I am talking about. Of course I feel happy when others around me are happy. But I feel there is something fundamentally wrong if my happiness depends entirely on others’ happiness.
    All of these are random thoughts
    I am still working through this.
    These days I am thinking a lot about happiness.
    In fact I am planning to start a blog to share my insights on this.
    🙂
    Hugs
    Meemee



  66.  #66Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Rusty, Hmmm… interesting question. Physical touch feels wonderful to me (definitely my top love language). And I prefer that men explore all of me and not one particular spot. 😀 I’d want my man to know that the back of my neck is super sensitive, and sometimes my boobs are too sensitive (so much so that I don’t want touch there). It’s all about my preference.

    I prefer to be touched where it feels good for ME. I mean, I know my boobs are amazing but the rest of me wants attention too.

    What do you think Rusty?



  67.  #67Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Rusty – thanks for discussing “contradicting.” I wonder if most men would feel the way you do or if many would feel threatened or dissed by it. What do you think? (I get that it’s a definite no-no in public.)



  68.  #68Daria on April 28, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    I feel fuchkin responsible for their well being.

    Who would I be without that?

    I don’t feel safe….

    I Am responsible for their wellbeing because thats how families work!

    Without that I’d be a evil callous person.

    I wouldn’t even care about the wellbeing of my family That feels Awful.

    I Am responsible.

    And I know that’s not true.

    Does anyone here want to help me thru the phone w shifting this?

    Ugh I feel sick writing that. I don’t expect that .

    It would feel great to have some damn support right now.

    My free EFT lady hasn’t answered my emails a few moths ago and I even wanted to pay her…

    I dono way happened hope she’s ok

    Age helped me amazingly

    So I’ll be her now and have amazing results for me



  69.  #69sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Ok Any takers in response to this question?

    Ok, so say you have already identified the negative traits from your parent/past relationships in growing as a child and you know that the person you are in relationship with, has a tendency to feed into the negative side of that trait (but we are talking about a good man with good intentions) while you yourself are working on your healing in that area, do you tell him of your awareness to it and that you are working on that and would like some help, or do you just work on it silently and use simple feeling messages and leave the details of your awarenesses and where evrything is coming from in your triggers out of it?

    Like would it maybe help him to understand why I feel triggered, by knowing the where it comes from as I understand it?

    In reading this, it all ties into what I know I am working on with the tools to being vulnerable and authentic and expressive of things as I am still healing things for myself, while simultaniously allowing him to assist me with that in the ways that he can and does. Asking for help is still so difficult for me period. I wish it was not, I’m still working on it. Do I even ask for it and share so specifically about this topic?

    Does this question make sense to anyone?



  70.  #70Meemee on April 28, 2011 at 12:28 pm

    Feeling sleepy and tired.
    The day was good.
    I did lots of work.
    I did washing
    Writing
    and gymming
    cooking
    and so many things
    Talked to granparents
    Feeling happy
    and blessed

    Good night lovely sirens
    Meemee



  71.  #71Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Rusty,

    RE: #57 – I like your style, both about not voicing conflicts in public with your woman and about touching.



  72.  #72Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 12:33 pm

    Daria, So many buzz words coming up for me. Just gonna free flow write what I see.

    Unspoken commitment to stick together? Who decided? Unspoken commitment? (I can hear Katie questioning this while sitting in her chair.)

    Why are you living this stupid life? Words like values, purpose.

    Love means sacrificing my soul. Is it true?



  73.  #73Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    62: LilybelleNo Gravatar says:

    13: But let me get my nails done first.

    _____________________________________________

    LOL…no problem. 😉



  74.  #74Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 12:34 pm

    Hi Shannon. Yeah, the sex thing is weird… When I studied sexual addiction I learned that it correlates with “sexual anorexia” (similar to asexuality). So in some cases a person acts out with sex addiction behaviors to compensate for feeling sexually inadequate due to low desire or arousal. This appears to be so with my ex – he said he went to strip clubs to try to get aroused and felt bad bc often he had no response, so he kept trying more things.



  75.  #75Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    71: Brenda says:

    Rusty,

    RE: #57 – I like your style, both about not voicing conflicts in public with your woman and about touching.

    ________________________________

    Thanks! 😀



  76.  #76Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 12:38 pm

    Meemee,

    Re: #65 – You said, “This inability to draw lines between personal happiness and others’ happiness is what I am talking about. Of course I feel happy when others around me are happy. But I feel there is something fundamentally wrong if my happiness depends entirely on others’ happiness.”

    Right on, I struggle with that, too. I have a screen saver from the blog here that says, “If it feels good, keep doing it. If it doesn’t feel good, stop doing it.”

    So simple, yet so profound. And, no, our happiness shouldn’t depend on the happiness of others, because that would make us people pleasers. Sometimes we need to go against the grain and stand up for what we believe, think, and/or feel.

    And that could be as simple as saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time to talk right now.”



  77.  #77Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Wow Daria! I feel for you and I am imagining what it must be like to be an only child and have ALL of the parental expectations placed on you.

    I still feel the conditioning and expectations from my parents and I live across the country from them. I aslo have several other siblings that they can focus their energy on.

    I really get the pressure that you are feeling to “heal” them.

    I’m really trying to accept that the best thing I can do for my family is follow my own bliss. I’m not there yet but taking baby steps in that direction.

    (((hugs)))



  78.  #78Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Oh Daria, I just saw your note above. I’m here. Sorry for more questions. How can I help? I’m intermittently working right now but I’ll pop back over here soon.



  79.  #79Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    The catch for me is that when I have followed my bliss in the past, like moving to Hawaii, I pretty much forgot about them and had very little contact.

    I’d like to find a balance. Where I am following my bliss and living MY life yet still available and connected to them…in a healthy way.



  80.  #80Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    67: Lucy says:

    Rusty – thanks for discussing “contradicting.” I wonder if most men would feel the way you do or if many would feel threatened or dissed by it. What do you think? (I get that it’s a definite no-no in public.)

    __________________________________________________

    I think that if a man can’t handle some dissent, especially if the woman handles it well and can do so without turning it into a battle, then he is not a good fit for her…or anyone for that matter.

    We all have to be open to the fact that we are never, always right.

    OK, so if I was at a party, and me and some guy are talking about something, and my wife knows that I got a fact wrong, I would prefer that she pull me away for a minute, or whisper in my ear not to argue that fact because I am wrong. In that case, i would appreciate her because she has my back. She is helping me while not embarrassing me in public.

    But to me, it is less about the embarrassment as it would be that I want people to see us as a united front. Because that is how I would see us even if we do disagree.

    If it is just a matter of opinion, and my wife said something, and somebody asked me what I thought, I would not lie, I would just say, I have my woman’s back and leave it at that. Then later, I would tell her that I disagreed, if I even felt it was necessary, or if she asked.



  81.  #81Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Shannon – re: not giving attention to him – I suppose it’s a chicken/egg thing – I stopped initiating attention/affection after awhile bc he didn’t seem to want it and I just felt rejected (sorta like what Mel is going through).



  82.  #82Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Daria,

    Re: #68 – Daria, I feel sad that you are struggling. I get the impression our families are/were very similar, and I really relate to you in a lot of the emotional issues you share. I would be glad to talk with you on the phone if you would like.

    Also, I am not trying to put a negative into your family concerns, but just sharing what I experienced…don’t know but maybe you missed by post to you on this an hour or two ago?



  83.  #83Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Daria,

    BTW, if you do want to talk, please feel free to email me. I just sent you an email about something else.



  84.  #84Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    66: Simply Shannon says:

    Rusty, Hmmm… interesting question. Physical touch feels wonderful to me (definitely my top love language). And I prefer that men explore all of me and not one particular spot. 😀 I’d want my man to know that the back of my neck is super sensitive, and sometimes my boobs are too sensitive (so much so that I don’t want touch there). It’s all about my preference.

    I prefer to be touched where it feels good for ME. I mean, I know my boobs are amazing but the rest of me wants attention too.

    What do you think Rusty?

    OH, hey, I agree. But see, that’s just it. I was never just fondling her boobs. I was doing just what you said. Typically I moved the hair out of the way and nuzzled, kissed, nibbled her neck. Side and back.

    The thing is that I am extremely affectionate. IMHO, I see no reason not to touch in some way if I am within reaching distance, like if we are in the car, on the couch, or just standing near each other.

    And truth be told, I would be totally happy to have my woman’s hands on me 24/7365. Seriously. I am addicted to touching. And, I don’t feel the least bit bad about it either.

    One of my favorite ways to touch and be touched is to very lightly drag the fingernails across that back, directly on the skin. If done right, it skirts the razor’s edge between tickling and caressing. One woman I was with was very very good at this and could take my breath away when she did this. And she loved when she got really good reactions where it becomes too much for a second and you involuntarily shudder for a second. Or I would have to groan and clutch the sheets, etc, because the “sweet torture” of it was at my limit.

    I had to teach other women that when I did that, it did not mean they were doing anything wrong and in fact, it was a signal that they were doing it right.

    I have learned though that some women love receiving that, and others find it to intense.



  85.  #85Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    Lucy,
    about getting attention- isn’t that something cd’ing would be good for? Getting attention from different men? And sex as well if you are so inclined?



  86.  #86Daria on April 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Thank you Shannon and Lg for the support. It really feels good to hear you guys talking to me.

    Thanks Lg, I feel acknowledged.

    Shannon thank you for helping me w shifting.

    I’ve actually now shifted to a strong stable peaceful energy right now.

    So for the moment I feel good… To have a stable base from which to do more energy shifting.

    I wantto shift do that I heal and clear all my blocks to resolving stuff w the banks.

    Not sure how that’s related logically, but it cones up for me interrelated w this.

    Then I have an image of going to brazil, then them splitting, my mom going to Romania.

    But then unfortunately it goes bad as in loneliness for mom and new gf but hollow relationship for my dad

    Or even just break from me rro
    My dad as he starts a new fanily and that feels sef and I wMy to kill threat imaginary people that would take my dad from me.

    Crying

    My mom
    Creating this because she wants to go to Romania and blames my dad

    And Does NOT do the walkaway which would heal everything .

    Sooo angry and powerless that my mom doesn’t listen to me or take my advice she never has

    Now she has started to

    Her accusations that I am yrying to run things and manipulate blocking me from sharing because of fear and self doubt of whether this is true.

    Dad creating manifesting mom as drinking too much now

    Too much

    Too much for me

    Too much

    Angels I feel like punching you in your wings and I know I am

    Thank you for caring for the kicking and screaming child



  87.  #87Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    Daria,

    Have your parents tried marriage counseling? Would they consider it?



  88.  #88Daria on April 28, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Brenda – thank you for your support

    A sentence of your post had a bad feeling belief about ‘too many’ years and I don’t want that belief or to have more pain or experiences generated thru the belief

    I’m explaining this to u… Mm really I feel good your heard for me but a bit bad and scared and discouraged reading your perception of your family experience and belief

    And I don’t want to use my own energy to ‘go there’ to a feel bad place, and I will take the support implicit underneath

    I support you in healing everything



  89.  #89Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    God,

    RE: #84 – Rusty said, “The thing is that I am extremely affectionate. IMHO, I see no reason not to touch in some way if I am within reaching distance, like if we are in the car, on the couch, or just standing near each other.”

    Oh dear God, please give me a man like that! 🙂



  90.  #90Daria on April 28, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Lg – I kinda have a belief that even by being far and not in contact I will be healing them thru my energy. I want thus belief and may have done contradicting ones under my consciousness

    I Know I do and that’s how I’ve been in the house living here



  91.  #91Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    Daria,

    RE: #88 – I hear you. I was just being candid. I know not all I said was positive. There are no cheap solutions. It was a difficult time all along the way for me: growing up, throughout their divorce, and now.



  92.  #92Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Lily – yes, CDing is nice for getting positive attention. And you are right that ideally I want a monogamous marriage rather than what TN and gf have. Rusty’s input is making it ultra-clear that my ex and I were seriously mismatched in many different areas. During my marriage I often had an “I need a boyfriend” feeling bc I was getting so little of what I needed from him. Maybe I am afraid that one man can’t provide all I need. But maybe it just needs to be the right man for me.



  93.  #93Daria on April 28, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Lily t – I think they tried it a bit.

    My belief is that this is my responsibility as the one getting enlightened.

    Which Is not true.

    I have this awful feeling of having information (the walk away tool). Yet watching in desperation as my whole world and the relationships of people I live who love each other falling apart

    As no one wants to listen or use my tool

    Which feels horrible

    Kinda like imagining my fuchkin godsister drinking herself to death

    I absolutely declare that all is well

    And I feel fuchkin terrified and
    So what

    I feel so angry

    I am so mad at you universe!

    I will beat you up!

    Fuchk you universe!!!!!



  94.  #94Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Rusty – my only issue with sexual touching when I’m cooking/working/busy is that I am easily aroused and then very distracted from staying on task.



  95.  #95Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Daria,

    I wish there was something I could say to comfort you sweetheart. I find myself feeling ‘motherly’ toward you. May I ask how old you are?



  96.  #96Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    #94 – And that’s when I instantly shift my priorities. My man is far more important than what’s on the stove.



  97.  #97Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    92: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    Lily – yes, CDing is nice for getting positive attention. And you are right that ideally I want a monogamous marriage rather than what TN and gf have. Rusty’s input is making it ultra-clear that my ex and I were seriously mismatched in many different areas. During my marriage I often had an “I need a boyfriend” feeling bc I was getting so little of what I needed from him. Maybe I am afraid that one man can’t provide all I need. But maybe it just needs to be the right man for me.

    ________________________________________________________________________________________________________

    Try this. In the beginning, when you are being affectionate with a man, simply tell him that you love to touch and be touched and often feel like you don’t get enough of that in your relationship. See how he reacts.

    Let him know that you see no reason not to be touching in some way if you are both within arms reach.

    Let him know that you like variety in the touching and that holding hands is as welcome as sexual touching.

    And try this. When he starts to get lazy and just go for the boobs every time…and he will…we men are pre-programmed to do this…don’t make him feel bad about it. Instead try saying this. “I love it when you do that, but my neck is getting jealous and wants some attention too!” Cripes…be happy he is fiondling your boobs and not some other woman’s! 😉 😛 :LOL:

    IMHO, I think we men deal with rejection worse than you women do and it would be seen as rejection when we are made to feel like a perve for touching our own wife or girlfriend. It takes the wind out of our sales and makes us feel like touching less, especially the guys who already touch less.



  98.  #98Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Rusty 84. Ah, that brings back great memories of a past bf with a pick-up truck with bench front seat and a summer of skirts and sundresses and wandering hands as we drove…



  99.  #99Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    94: Lucy says:

    Rusty – my only issue with sexual touching when I’m cooking/working/busy is that I am easily aroused and then very distracted from staying on task.

    ___________________________________________________

    So compromise. Let him have some fun for a few minutes, then let him know that he is turning you on too much and you can’t concentrate on the cooking so you need him to stop. Do it playfully.

    He’ll feel good about himself knowing that he can get you that revved up.

    And here’s a thought. Screw the dishes. Go have some fun. The dishes aren’t going anywhere! 😉

    Better yet. Keep doing the dishes while he keeps revving you up. Let him know that it is like sweet torture, but don’t tell him to stop. After the dishes are done, grab by anything that is “handy” and drag him to the bedroom where you tell him that he now has to finish what he started. 😛

    Now that’s what I call foreplay! 😀



  100.  #100Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    96: Brenda says:

    #94 – And that’s when I instantly shift my priorities. My man is far more important than what’s on the stove.

    ___________________________________

    There ya go! Lucy needs some lessons from you. 😉



  101.  #101Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Daria – I feel a lil afraid to say anything bc I know you often feel unheard by me… but I do care… and want to say that I empathize with you about your divorce-feelings. My ex and I do get along better now that we’re not married BUT it Has been very hard and sad for our kids to lose their two-parent family and I wish it would’ve been different. Also, my parents have been married over 50 yrs and I feel so grateful that they were able to “make it work.” Love and hugs. <3



  102.  #102Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Brenda 96. I feel unheard.



  103.  #103Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    BTW, I realized how important touching was to me very early during one of my first serious relationships. We were in my truck and we were behind a couple in another vehicle and the one that that I always remember is watching her caress the back of his neck while they were sitting at the light. I remember being jealous. And I pointed it out to the girl I was with that I love it when a woman does that to me.

    She never took the hint.

    I hate to say this but I have been in many relationships where the woman loved touching..me touching her and loved foreplay, so long as it was me doing the touching, but it was like they thought they had been born without hands. They rarely if ever touched.

    Often they would say something about how they didn’t have a lot of touching in their house growing up, etc… as some excuse as a build up for saying that they just didn’t feel comfortable touching. I just saw it as selfish and or lazy. Sorry for not being more forgiving, but IMHO that is something you can get over, especially when you learn that you love to be touched and the man lets you know that there are NO boundaries regarding touching him. Touch away.

    But to keep falling back on not having a touchy feely family gets old.



  104.  #104Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Brenda 96. I feel unheard. It has nothing to do with priorities or how important my man is.



  105.  #105Daria on April 28, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Lily t – thank you … That feels good and comforting. I’m 28



  106.  #106Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    104: Lucy says:

    Brenda 96. I feel unheard. It has nothing to do with priorities or how important my man is.

    I heard you and I know what you are saying. But do you think this is an area where you can learn to compromise? In other words, yeah you don’t want to leave the food cooking, or pull it off every time he gets frisky, but once in a while would add spice to the relationship and make him feel like he is #1 in your life.

    At the same time, especially if you are nice and playful about it, he doesn’t need to feel rejected when you don’t drop everything and rush off to the bedroom every single time.

    IMHO foreplay is fun when it is sporadic throughout the day. You get each other turned on, then walk away. The later you do it again. By the time you get around to more serious stuff, you are majorly turned on. 😉

    BTW, I don’t think Brenda meant anything by that. 😉



  107.  #107Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    You’re welcom honey. I’ll be keeping you and your parents in my positive thoughts. I have a son who’s 27.



  108.  #108Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Rusty 99. *grinning* Yes, my thoughts exactly! That’s pretty much how I always handled it. Unfortunately with my ex-h though, he often didn’t want to finish what he started (as discussed in posts about “asexuality.”)



  109.  #109Daria on April 28, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Lucy – thanks for the support

    I am open to whatever … I am manifesting a wonderful healthy joyous and harmonious relationship with my parents.

    I Am attached to them honoring our family.

    Healthy joyous and harmonious Family relationship with my parents

    Yup

    Now I’m gonna Abraham hicks it no matter what.

    I am having this Even if the world blasts apart to where I’m standing on an ice float of earth in the universe – I do have a belief that will happen – I still choose to see and believe healthy joyful harmonious family relationship

    So I’m gonna have this.

    Thanks angels and everyone.



  110.  #110Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    98: Lucy says:

    Rusty 84. Ah, that brings back great memories of a past bf with a pick-up truck with bench front seat and a summer of skirts and sundresses and wandering hands as we drove…

    ______________________________________________

    I’m starting to wonder if we’ve met. LOL 😛



  111.  #111Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Rusty 100. Oops, not so!



  112.  #112Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    108: Lucy says:

    Rusty 99. *grinning* Yes, my thoughts exactly! That’s pretty much how I always handled it. Unfortunately with my ex-h though, he often didn’t want to finish what he started (as discussed in posts about “asexuality.”)

    ________________________________________

    FOOL!

    I am ashamed for my gender! 🙁



  113.  #113Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    I feel bad being assumed about and misunderstood. 🙁 I feel shaky!



  114.  #114Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    I wish I hadn’t said anything about this. I don’t like feeling misunderstood. 🙁



  115.  #115Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    111: Lucy says:

    Rusty 100. Oops, not so!

    _______________________________________

    A wise man once said, make everyone you meet a lover or a teacher. Yeah…so i figured you would go with the teacher thing there. 😉



  116.  #116Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    #
    113: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I feel bad being assumed about and misunderstood. 🙁 I feel shaky!

    Thursday, 28 April 2011 @ 1:44pm
    #
    114: LucyNo Gravatar says:

    I wish I hadn’t said anything about this. I don’t like feeling misunderstood. 🙁

    ___________________________________________________________

    Sorry if I made you feel misunderstood. I was just having fun. I get what you mean.



  117.  #117Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    OH, and I was saying that your EX was a fool, not you Lucy. 😉



  118.  #118Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    #106 Rusty:

    I agree with you about the foreplay throughout the day thing in the form of touching. Compliments and a playful attitude can contribute to that as well. But I would definetly be annoyed and TURNED OFF by my man grabbing, or otherwise touching me when I’m trying to get dinner on the table. Seriously. A better form of foreplay would be for him to do the dishes, promptly, without being asked.



  119.  #119Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    118: Lily T. says:

    #106 Rusty:

    I agree with you about the foreplay throughout the day thing in the form of touching. Compliments and a playful attitude can contribute to that as well. But I would definetly be annoyed and TURNED OFF by my man grabbing, or otherwise touching me when I’m trying to get dinner on the table. Seriously. A better form of foreplay would be for him to do the dishes, promptly, without being asked.

    I agree that it is an art form. You have to learn when is and when is not a good time. A little common sense goes a long way too.

    And yeas to getting the dishes done if it means getting into bed quicker. 😉

    Oh, but there is one thing. I cook…a lot. So usually I request somebody else do the dishes after I cooked. 😛



  120.  #120Daria on April 28, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    I’ve practiced saying… I don’t want to be touched right now… And letting myself feel the feelings afterward… Fear mostly

    That I’ll push him away and feel unloved by saying that truth



  121.  #121Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Rusty: “Oh, but there is one thing. I cook…a lot. So usually I request somebody else do the dishes after I cooked.”

    I’ve always been the cook in my partnerships. Which is why doing the dishes, promptly, without being asked (goaded) would be a TURN ON for me. 🙂



  122.  #122Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Speaking of cooking, I love shortcuts to a great meal. Try this.

    1 pound of hamburger or a 2 LB London broil cut into small chunks and lightly sauteed. Not cooked all the way through so it stays tender.

    (1 or 2) 32 oz jars of pace chunky salsa, not picante sauce.

    2-4 cans of beans. I like black beans. Or sometimes I will mix it up with black, pinto and kidney beans.

    Chili powder to taste. Beans and PACE Salsa to taste which is why I had different amounts.

    If there is a faster way to a pot of really good chili, I don’t know it.

    I also buy habaneros and other hot peppers. Chop them up fine, and use some of the liquid from the chili to cook them down. I serve that on the side for people to add to their chili if they like it spicy, which I do. But this allows each person to tailor the heat to their taste.

    I also do a lot of experimenting with this recipe. Even little things like I added a can of cream corn once just to see what it would taste like. It was actually good.

    I also prefer it to not be too runny so I normally drain and rinse the beans.



  123.  #123sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Feels not so great to be ignored.

    I feel now, that I would probably would have gottten a little more attention if my post had contained a little more in keeping with the recent, but pedictable banter of the sexual nature.

    It was in direct correlation to the new article.
    Was hopeful for some feed back.

    I embrace my feeling of disapointment at being invisible here.
    😉



  124.  #124Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    106 Rusty. Please see 108. The issue was that *I* was the more “frisky” one… he was content to feel me up a bit then leave me aroused and distracted to finish my work (rejecting my attempts to take it further then and/or later). But yes, my thinking was always very much the same as yours… love it all, all the time. 🙂 That’s why I felt misunderstood.



  125.  #125Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Rusty 110. Maybe so! Do you have sparkling blue eyes? That pick-up truck summer was one of the best ever!



  126.  #126The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    bold off….



  127.  #127Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    69: sweetmandmNo Gravatar says:

    Ok Any takers in response to this question?

    Ok, so say you have already identified the negative traits from your parent/past relationships in growing as a child and you know that the person you are in relationship with, has a tendency to feed into the negative side of that trait (but we are talking about a good man with good intentions) while you yourself are working on your healing in that area, do you tell him of your awareness to it and that you are working on that and would like some help, or do you just work on it silently and use simple feeling messages and leave the details of your awarenesses and where evrything is coming from in your triggers out of it?

    Like would it maybe help him to understand why I feel triggered, by knowing the where it comes from as I understand it?

    In reading this, it all ties into what I know I am working on with the tools to being vulnerable and authentic and expressive of things as I am still healing things for myself, while simultaniously allowing him to assist me with that in the ways that he can and does. Asking for help is still so difficult for me period. I wish it was not, I’m still working on it. Do I even ask for it and share so specifically about this topic?

    Does this question make sense to anyone?

    _______________________________________________________

    Maybe try the softer approach first, and if that doesn’t help things, then be more direct.

    I think this is a good rule of thumb in most situations. Try a softer more gentle approach, but don’t be surprised if it goes unnoticed, and don’t be offended if it does. Just be ready with plan B and be more direct, yet non-confrontational. Confrontation should always be the last resort.

    Feather duster first, 2×4 last. 😉



  128.  #128The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    test…



  129.  #129The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    oh my…
    What did you do, Lily?



  130.  #130Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    #123 Sweetmandm,

    I saw your post and didn’t respond because I am not as familar with “the Rori way” yet. My own feeling is simply yes definetly tell your love when he triggers something that relates to your past experiences. I have done that. I think explaining helps the person understand better why they get the reaction they do.

    Does that help?



  131.  #131Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    I don’t know! why are all the posts in bold? Make it stop!!!



  132.  #132The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Lily, aparently you wrote (b /) instead of (/b). Dunno why this screwed the font up, though…



  133.  #133Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Rusty, we’ve been cross-posting I think… I’m not upset with you… just wanted to be heard that I never ever rejected or turned him down – he even mentioned that the other day when we talked. So, hope you and I are squared away. Thanks for the great discussion! <3



  134.  #134Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    How do I fix it Lurk?



  135.  #135Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    Lurker, I think I might know you. Will you tell us approximately where you live? 🙂



  136.  #136Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Sweetmandm:

    I’ve found that sharing things like this can really open up a relationship. I feel vulnerable when I share things like that…in a good way…as long as I don’t go into a blaming mode.

    I’ve been working on my familial triggers and my partner seems to really respect it. We are getting along a lot better now too.



  137.  #137Daria on April 28, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Sweetmadam – are u open to feedback?

    If so: I felt bad reading a part of the post.

    I notice some judgement and shaming in your communication about the ‘predictable’ sexual banter.

    The way we communicate generalized to our love relationships – says Rori.

    Hence it’s possible you may use shaming when you are feeling angry or panicked.

    Also regarding angry and panicked, there was the perception that you are being ignored. which might mean – This is how I flip it for myself – I’m meant to find my own shifts through riffing or noticing signs in environment.

    However your perception was of being ignored.

    So the thing is when we ask a man for something… And rori says Not to ask, but rather state don’t wants …

    It Diesnt mean the man, or blog will actually give you that.

    It’s good to state desires, however No One Else is responsible to actually give you that. BUT! It will come!

    What? It will come, but not necessarily from where you think it will – hence my flip that I’ll find it thru signs or riffing –

    And, if your question request carries an energy of ‘I need YOU to answer’

    It turns the man or other person off.

    It feels bad to me, like Im being controlled, I feel a Fear and I go to a resistant and disconnected place. And then I feel anger too.

    I do not feel inspired and open to act or give

    These I’m being ignored perceptions are from past patterns, and the way to change them is sink into the feelings like you’re doing

    The ‘I don’t notice anyone giving me what I want so I must be unworthy’ feel bad place

    Is a feeling, and them the belief can be shifted as it no longer serves.

    +***£*****

    Mmm thanks Daria that’s helpful for me when I feel bad about not getting what I want like I did with these bank stuff.

    Still feels scary. All this explanation seems superficial.

    Like yeah it doesn’t mean I’m unworthy but it feels so bad I don’t think I can handle it, and how Do I shift that belief?

    Off to do belief shifting w EFT and ask n receive



  138.  #138Daria on April 28, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I think that both ways would be beneficial to me depending on my comfort level

    Ultimately using feeling messages and non blaming is all it really is about,

    But it may feel good to share with him what I’m practicing, it may not…

    If I felt comfortable I migh share, but either way they’ll be healing if I’m using feeling messages and not blaming



  139.  #139The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    #134
    I have no idea yet. Not an expert in html. But I’m looking into it.

    #135
    Tell me where you live, approximately, and I’ll tell you if its possible you know me!
    😛



  140.  #140Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    125: Lucy says:
    Rusty 110. Maybe so! Do you have sparkling blue eyes? That pick-up truck summer was one of the best ever!

    __________________________________________________

    Sadly no. My eye color has changed throuout mylife. Started as deep blue as a child, then turned brown within a short period. Year or three. I hear that is common. Then they turned hazel, and now more of a hazel-green.

    BTW, if you don’t mind my asking, what is your age and where, in genreal are you living? Just curious.



  141.  #141Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Sir Lurker – I think I may know you online only. I want to know if it’s so!!! 😛



  142.  #142Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    Rusty, If I’m your girl, I feel frustrated and unheard, like my feelings have been brushed off. I don’t want to pretend something feels good when it doesn’t. I feel afraid that I will eventually not want your touch anymore. What do you think?



  143.  #143Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 2:34 pm

    This is frickin’ spooky that I can change the look of the whole blog with some mis-keystrokes from my laptop. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. I’m sorry everybody. I have know idea how I did this. 🙁



  144.  #144Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Daria, I’m just getting back through some of the posts. You sound okay right now. I feel excited for this to shift for us. I’m working on this too… the not fixing of everybody else. 🙂

    I love you beautiful girl!



  145.  #145Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    We are channeling SLV!! LOL!!!

    Lily, SLV used to do this all the time with italics.

    What a wonderful thing to happen!!! Happy reminder!!

    Can someone reach out to Tinque? I believe she knows how to fix it.



  146.  #146Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Rusty – my eyes are hazel-green too! They change back and forth from golden to light brown to green and everything in between. In fact, that truck bf was the first to point out to me that when I am aroused my eyes turn very green. Hehe. Anyway, I am in my 40’s and live … in the U.S. Lol.



  147.  #147The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    #143 It was a simple misspelling, something the browser should ignore. Sadly, it seems to be a loophole that srews the font format up. That misspelled html code doesn’t even exist, afaics…

    Btw, that’s why at most discussion forums, html use in comments is turned off.



  148.  #148Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    This has happened on the blog before where the font was changed. I don’t remember how it got fixed. Rori might have to do it on her end.



  149.  #149Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    142: Simply Shannon says:
    Rusty, If I’m your girl, I feel frustrated and unheard, like my feelings have been brushed off. I don’t want to pretend something feels good when it doesn’t. I feel afraid that I will eventually not want your touch anymore. What do you think?

    ____________________________________________________

    I see what you mean. But like I said, obviously common sense would play a big role here. I mean if she is frying something on the stove, or doing something that really needs her attention, then distraction isn’t going to be welcome.

    I think both sides have to be forgiving and willing to compromise.

    But I also believe that it will flow pretty smoothly if you just find the right match for you in this area and I feel it is a very big area that often gets overlooked until it is too late and you find yourself with someone who does not want the saem level of touching as you do.

    That’s what I found in my life…that it just flowed very naturally with some, and was a train wreck with others. Best just to find the right match if you can.

    If not, somebody is going to feel “frustrated and unheard” and somebody is going to feel neglected and cold.



  150.  #150Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Thanks Shannon for making me less bad. 🙂

    Calling Tinque, Calling SLV – come in Tinque, come in SLV



  151.  #151The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    #141 I comment under another name at progressive blogs, newspaper sites and at twitter, spreading my progressive views to everybody who doesn’t want to hear them…
    If you think of someone whose gravatar has gray hair, that may be me.



  152.  #152Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    146: Lucy says:

    In fact, that truck bf was the first to point out to me that when I am aroused my eyes turn very green.

    __________

    That would be need to know information for any BF. 😉

    _________________________________
    Hehe. Anyway, I am in my 40′s and live … in the U.S. Lol.

    __________________

    What a coincidence, me too. 😛



  153.  #153Rosa on April 28, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    NOTE to the Meem !!

    What you wrote back there looks to me like an amazing revelation about fixing all the bad boys..Meemee . But it may be a lot quicker to fix right now than you imagined.

    Have you tapped on it yet? over and over? There are videos on youtube for EFT and the points to tap.

    I think this is an amazing post for ME. Rosa suspects there lurks a few “fix it” traits in her too and she just hasnt thought of tapping over them …YET.

    Its gonna be a recovery project for me.
    Starting now and I have surgery in 2 days ..more time off to remember to EFT!



  154.  #154Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Lurker:

    west coast or east coast?



  155.  #155The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    #154 Coast? Ladies, pls, no guesswork! I don’t really want to telll you, ok? I’m a sucker for privacy…



  156.  #156Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    If Bill Gates ever gets his way, there will be no privacy on the internet. Not sure that is a good thing. I mean we can all just let fly with what we think here, but if anonymity were removed, the discussion would dry up and blow away.



  157.  #157Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Lurker: ooooo, I feel embarrassed and worried that I was being pushy.

    I feel curious because you remind me of someone I know as well.

    I value my privacy too…I get that.

    I’ll try to behave myself



  158.  #158Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    I’m east coast BTW. And in Florida.

    OK, that leaves you millions of people to guess from. 😆



  159.  #159The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    #157 LG, it was ok to ask! I didn’t want to sound harsh, sry.
    :hug:
    Ok?



  160.  #160Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    BTW, I love the late autumn, winter and early spring here, but the rest of the year, the humidity combined with the heat is a killer. Feels like stepping into a sauna some days when you go out of the house. I totally understand why they say the opulation in Florida didn’t explode until AC became affordable and commonplace.



  161.  #161Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    Sir Lurker – I completely respect and understand your desire for privacy. The only reason I wanted to know is bc I am feeling a bit restrained in what I post bc if you are who I’m thinking of, well, I don’t want you to figure out who *I* am!!! 😀



  162.  #162Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 2:57 pm

    LG, could we be thinking of the same man?



  163.  #163Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Where in FL? 😉



  164.  #164Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Hey Lucy! You have some esplainin to do 😉



  165.  #165The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    #161 Ha! That’s cute. I shall tell you who I am, but you won’t? No deal!
    😛



  166.  #166Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    163: Lily T. says:
    Where in FL?

    Thursday, 28 April 2011 @ 2:58pm

    ________________________________

    Jax

    Still feelin safe. You still have millions to choose from. 😉



  167.  #167Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    The banter seems playful and non-serious today.



  168.  #168Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Yes you’re safe- Jax has a million people. Which area of Jax? 🙂



  169.  #169The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Ok, girls, I already wondered when someone would notice my funny accent, so, anyway, one day you would have figured out I’m not in the US at all!
    😛
    Now, stop wondering if you were in the hay with me in the past, it most probably wasn’t me! Ok?



  170.  #170Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    168: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Yes you’re safe- Jax has a million people. Which area of Jax? 🙂

    _____________________________________________________

    The best area of course! 😆



  171.  #171Laughing Goddess on April 28, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Lucy: I doubt that we are thinking of the same person…but I guess anything is possible 🙂

    Lurker: Thanks for the hug. I feel better.



  172.  #172Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Lucy,

    I’m sorry, didn’t mean to misunderstand.



  173.  #173The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 3:10 pm

    #171 I love hugging you girls! Just tell me when you need one, I’ll be glad to help out.
    😀



  174.  #174Daria on April 28, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    Thanks Shannon. Love you too.



  175.  #175Turtle Girl on April 28, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    Rusty #53-

    When a man I like walks up behind me and puts his arms around me touches me boobs-I love it!
    I mean it’s perfect. So for all those women who don’t-well-tough noogie!



  176.  #176Brenda on April 28, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    Lurker,

    I need a hug.



  177.  #177Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    175: Turtle GirlNo Gravatar says:

    Rusty #53-

    When a man I like walks up behind me and puts his arms around me touches me boobs-I love it!
    I mean it’s perfect. So for all those women who don’t-well-tough noogie!

    ______________________________________________

    Cool! 😀

    *spots wife doing some dishes at the sink, looking prime for pouncing on.*

    Be back in a few…maybe. 😉



  178.  #178The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    #176 Sure! :hug:

    Hmm, maybe there’s a business opportunity in this…
    Just kidding!



  179.  #179The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Hehehe, Rusty! Have fun.
    🙂



  180.  #180sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    Daria- Thanks for the feedback!

    I really don’t have an overall issue of feeling ignored (truthfully) it’s also not a big trigger for me! I also don’t jump to that quickly, it has been a repeated experience here and I actually said something this time.

    In response to what you said about my using the word predictable, well, it is my perspective, but it wasn’t meant to shame. That was not my frame of mind honestly. I was actually talking from a sarcastic place and making light of my frustration at the same time voicing it and getting it out there.

    Some of that banter I am actually amused by. This time I just didn’t feel like continuing to ask if someone would take notice, or just walk away unanswered as I often do. ME practicing, maybe not in the best way. I am not here to judge anyone ever! I sure hope not to come across that way.

    Also I was wondering in my question though, is should I really get into the detail of when I was growing up blablabla…..Or do you think those details he would even care to hear and maybe I am asking that, because it may have to do with where (what timeline) in the relationship we are in? I just have so much work to do still with how much to share and when. I come from not sharing the deep stuff, wanting to continue to change that, but wanting assurance I guess that it doesn’t matter when in the timeline as long as it is done in the right ways using the tools.

    HUG!



  181.  #181Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Lurker, I didn’t exactly want you to tell me who you are… I was actually kinda hoping you would say something that would let me know that you’re Not who I’m thinking of… like maybe that you’re on the west coast or don’t have children… 🙂 But it’s all good.



  182.  #182sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Rusty-

    Thanks!

    I am frustrated with him feeding it sometimes it is true that I am, but I really feel compasion for him and the way he works with me on my stuff.

    Do you think that it’s OK to share more colorful details of the growing up stuff that leaves me still feeling triggered, or does that depend on where we are in relationship? If the relationship is still newre does that make a difference? I feel that some healing is already going on in me in a new way since knowing him, add to what was already being healed prior to him.!

    I just don’t want to be giving him too much info too soon and/or overwhelm him, but I feel like I could risk going deeper with him as well. Want to see what would happen with that.



  183.  #183Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Brenda, it’s okay. <3



  184.  #184Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    182: sweetmandm

    I would say it depends on the info and how long you have been together. It sounds to me like he is a very supportive man so it might be OK to tell him now. Maybe just offer the title of the story and see how he takes it. If he doesn’t seem freaked out and appears to want to hear more, then proceed a little further.

    Obviously you don’t want to tell very “colorful” and or traumatic things from your past on the first date, but it seems you are well past that stage, and I get the feeling he can handle it.

    Don’t be afraid to practice here if you want because keep in mind that you could stand in front of me at the grocery store check out and I wouldn’t know who you are. That’s the beauty of the internet. Anonymity.

    And besides, we are all very supportive and non-judgmental here. Feels safe to talk here.



  185.  #185Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    Rusty,

    I haven’t lived in Jax for 7 yrs. When I did, I lived in the Beach area. Even if you were there during the 90’s, early 2000’s I think it highly unlikely we ever met. You don’t sound like anyone I remember from there. Or anywhere else for that matter. I’ve lived in several Florida cities in the past 30 yrs. so I was just curious where you were in FL- good chance I had spent some time in whichever city it happened to be. 🙂



  186.  #186Daria on April 28, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    Sweetmandm – hug back!

    *****££*******

    I am actually feeling triggered myself now. I feel angry and… Compelled to try and overpower and make wrong.

    I don’t want to do that.

    I feel dissapointed that my words didn’t seem to resonate or consciously shift something for you.

    I now feel… Uncomfortable… Kind of in limbo and closed off.

    I want to ‘punish’ you for not receiving my help in a way that felt good to me. Wow mirror!! over the shaming and ignoring thing I perceived in your post.

    I feel stuck …here and kinda sad feeling stuck here too.

    I feel compelled to withhold any help I think i may have offer.

    I feel afraid this will push you away. I am guessing it would trigger me and push me away…

    It feels like I have an intent to shame.

    What is that?

    I feel angry.

    I feel angry!

    I feel resentful.

    Now I feel sad.

    I’m guessing I’m experiencing a past trauma pattern.

    Now I feel quiet and withdrawn.

    Grrrrreat! I’m feeling something! Woo hoo!

    I am undying my trauma pattern.

    I feel all tightened up.

    I feel dismissed and unseen? What does that feel like?

    Tight in my tummy tight in my jaw.

    Sigh . That feels good.



  187.  #187The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    #181 I don’t have children, Lucy. Ok now?



  188.  #188Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Lily – I lived in FL for awhile. Starke and Gainesville. In the 80’s.



  189.  #189Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    185: Lily T.No Gravatar says:

    Rusty,

    I haven’t lived in Jax for 7 yrs. When I did, I lived in the Beach area. Even if you were there during the 90′s, early 2000′s I think it highly unlikely we ever met. You don’t sound like anyone I remember from there. Or anywhere else for that matter. I’ve lived in several Florida cities in the past 30 yrs. so I was just curious where you were in FL- good chance I had spent some time in whichever city it happened to be. 🙂

    ______________________________________________________

    If you know where all the crazy Buckeye fans hang out, you might see me there during a good football game. 😉

    Now which crazy Buckeye fan am I?



  190.  #190Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    Thanks Lurker! I feel better! (You are telling me the truth aren’t you? Oh, scratch that! Rori says it’s important to trust and believe a man…. Have I got that right Sirens?)



  191.  #191The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 4:10 pm

    190: Lucy, if you don’t trust me, ask Rori if I’m in the US. Grrr.



  192.  #192Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Lucy, I lived in Gainesville Jan. thru May of 1980.

    Rusty,

    Being from Ohio one might think I would know that bar. But they would be wrong since I’m not into football and all the people I knew in Jax were Jag and Gator fans besides.

    So…where are from originally in Ohio?



  193.  #193Daria on April 28, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    ok i DID eventually call the bank.

    I EFTd until i did it.

    I called ONE bank. it didn’t feel bad, i felt cared for by the guy

    but i didn’t get a settlement any lower than before

    and i don’t want to call the lawyers of the “other” bank that is suing me right now

    this weekend, my friend, RaincoatMan, has said he will help me with this – he used to own a business of Credit Repair and Settlements

    so that will feel good

    i feel glad i did call a bank



  194.  #194Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Good for you Daria. I know how much you’ve been stressing over calling banks. I feel good you took the first step. Even better if your new friend can help you can the situation settled once and for all. 🙂



  195.  #195Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Not far from Cedar Point! Really missing that place. Anyone who loves amusement parks really has to go there at least once. It is called “America’s Roller Coast” for a reason. 😉



  196.  #196Rusty on April 28, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    193: Daria says:

    RaincoatMan

    ______________________________________________________

    Every time I see that, I get disturbing images. 😉



  197.  #197Lily T. on April 28, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Rusty,

    That must have been a fun place to grow up if you went to the park often in the summers. I grew up in Mansfield. Last few years I’ve spent half the year in Morrow County (amish country) and half near Stuart, FL.



  198.  #198The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    #193 Daria, you called one bank! So you proved to yourself you can do it. You should be proud. And this will make other calls easier. The first step is always the most difficult one.
    🙂



  199.  #199Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Hey Norm(s)

    Going to the top to catch up.

    ~Lil



  200.  #200Lucy on April 28, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I believe you Lurker… now quit scaring me with those bear noises!



  201.  #201tinque on April 28, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    Lucy – “Tinque – I have a question for you…”

    I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. I’ve been gone all afternoon.

    First of all I don’t ever feel judged by you. It’s a good question.

    My role here differs from most of the women on this site. Since I’m an active coach, when I see something that doesn’t feel right to me or I think is something that might hurt the woman in question, it’s my job to speak up if I think it’s appropriate.

    It’s a tricky line for me to tread, and I don’t always step in since I abhor conflict, but if it really strikes me in some way, then I do.

    In other words, I have to don the boy hat here sometimes.

    I very much appreciate Rusty’s presence as well as Lurker and Jim, yet they are coming from a man’s perspective, and they sometimes give man advice which is not always a good tack to take when you’re a woman.

    And sometimes I feel amused when one of them is being such a “boy” and I feel compelled to say something.

    As far as you, it’s okay to contradict a man in a forum such as this.

    In my relationship, if K is making a decision I really, really disagree with, I will say so. I will something like, “This just doesn’t feel good to me.” He gets I have great intuition, and he will listen. If he doesn’t though, then I do leave it alone. If I’m proven right I DON’T say, “I told you so.” He already knows. I don’t need or even want to rub it in.

    Helpful?

    xxoo



  202.  #202tinque on April 28, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Rusty – “Also ladies, can I say something about touching?”

    Yes you may. I LOVE to be touched, anytime, anywhere, anyplace, and as often as possible.

    I love being in a hugely touchy feely relationship. YUM.

    xxoo



  203.  #203The Lurker on April 28, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    #201 Fair enough, Tinque!
    🙂



  204.  #204tinque on April 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Lucy – “Screw the dishes. Go have some fun.”

    Most excellent advice…

    xxoo



  205.  #205tinque on April 28, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    sweetmandm – “Like would it maybe help him to understand why I feel triggered, by knowing the where it comes from as I understand it? ”

    This is your process. It’s not a good idea to share this, as it’s an internal thing. If you’re feeling blue, down, sad, mad, say so, but he doesn’t need to know why exactly. Tell him something deep inside has come up, and you’re processing it, or you don’t know what to do with it right now, and you would love a hug or to be left alone, whichever you need.

    xxoo



  206.  #206Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    103:

    Rusty, I am verrryyy touchy..and funny you should mention that about the back of the neck. My last dude loved slow dancing with me because I would wrap my hand around the back of his neck and lightly caress his neck. It was like there wasn’t anyone else on the dance floor when I did that. He kind of “disappeared”, but in a good way.

    I loved it too.

    ~lil



  207.  #207Turquoise3 on April 28, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    Hi everyone,

    Hope you all had a nice day 🙂 Daria, sorry to hear about your parents. You sound in a good place though.

    Rusty, I wouldn’t like it if my man touched me in a sexual way whenever he wanted, especially if he picked the same place all the time. I have a high sex drive, am affectionate, give massages and hold hands… but I don’t want to be felt up while I’m trying to get something done. Giving me a hug, or dancing with me in the kitchen, a quick kiss, or putting his hand on my waist… all feel nice.

    To me, when a man is all over me all the time, it feels bad. Like needy bad. It’s also invading my personal space. Would you like it if your woman grabbed your crotch all the time? There is a time and a place to be playful and flirty… but groping isn’t romantic and it would get old for me.

    If I had a long day, work, traffic, kids, then trying to get dinner on the table, help with homework, take the dog out… really wouldn’t be acceptable to me to have a guy trying to turn me on.

    I do consider myself to be very affectionate, I always hug and kiss hello and goodbye, like to touch, even if it’s just sitting close together and putting my head on his shoulder or laying together on the couch, all great. BUT, I wouldn’t want to be treated like a sex object, and grabbing my boob wouldn’t turn me on. Later in the evening, making out on the couch, sure, but not while I’m trying to get a bunch of stuff done. I’d rather a pat on the butt or a tight squeeze, even whispering in my ear about what you want later that night… that would be good.



  208.  #208Daria on April 28, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Thanks Turqoise 🙂

    i EFTd myself to happy



  209.  #209Daria on April 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Thanks Lurker

    nv: the problem is, I called the banks several times before in the past year,,, it’s just that i sometimes get into this funk where i feel scared to call them… again..

    doesn’t mean that’s gonna happen

    i EFTd a lot, who knows! they might return some money to me 🙂 weeee



  210.  #210Daria on April 28, 2011 at 5:32 pm

    Thanks Lily T.!

    I feel encouraged



  211.  #211Turquoise3 on April 28, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    That is great Daria! You take very good care of yourself. How old are you by the way?

    My parents got divorced when I was 12, and it was hard, but when there was no fighting in the house, it was a relief. I have a friend who’s parents got divorced when she was in college and she had a really hard time with it. She felt very responsible for her mom, worried about them both. Her parents were divorced for 5 years and ended up getting back together. She finally got over it, and then they got back together. Was kind of crazy.



  212.  #212Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 5:42 pm

    Daria,

    I admire you.

    ~Lil



  213.  #213Jim on April 28, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    Ladies,

    Anybody play golf today?
    Anybody have fun?
    Anybody get laid?

    I was 2 of the 2 above!!

    Jim



  214.  #214Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    213:

    Ah Jim,

    Lucky you!

    😉



  215.  #215Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    WELL….i just have to say that i love being touched anytime anywhere as much as possible too 🙂 and i love touching my man…now i do the Rori way and let them initiate it but they ALWAYS getting a loving response from me…

    hotpilot is super touchy feely…yum!! we are always touching and it’s super important to me…when i see couples sitting on a couch with lots of space between them and no touching it makes me feel sad…

    FP…thank you for the post on the other thread…yes..with pipeliner opening up to me it’s made me feel more for him and i can really see how when we are open and vulnerable with men how it draws them in

    Rusty…thank you for responding to me…i felt really happy reading what you wrote and it felt calming to me..and thank you for the compliment 🙂 i’m feeling a lot happier and clearer about things today..and i had just read your post and hotpilot called and i had such a great feeling talking with him…and i also have remembered your story about you and your wife and the sex stuff…that she isn’t the best but that because you love her so much she is the best…(hope i got that right)

    Tinque…thanks for clarifying that my prince WILL be MY prince charming 🙂 i gathered that’s what Rusty was saying in a “man” way lol…but they both felt good to read 🙂



  216.  #216Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    ((Jilly)) I’ve been missing you..

    ~Lil



  217.  #217Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    so this post really spoke to me…

    i feel taken care of today..
    the universe is sending me lots of answers
    and i feel clear and calm and happy..yay

    but above the post it said “we are compelled to choose people who will bring us pain rather than pleasure.”

    WOW wow wow…this just made me go deep into myself…like ya…ya..i get it…i can let this pattern go
    (like last night…i let it go 🙂 )



  218.  #218Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Lil…i’ve been missing you!! 🙂

    are your profiles still up?? lol just checking….



  219.  #219Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Tinque…i get my lashes redone on Saturday… yay!! how are yours holding up? 🙂



  220.  #220Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    From Rusty on the other thread

    A Leader doesn’t always make the right decision; a Leader takes the information available to him, makes the best decision he can and then does everything in his power to make that decision turn out to be right.

    This is awesome!!! in more ways than one!!!
    I am now a “boss” in my fire career and this is something i will take with me for the rest of the season!!

    From Rusty

    And it’s what is fair also. You wouldn’t want the guy you choose to be looking over his shoulder every time things get a bit bumpy, and wondering if he made the right choice.

    this was weighing heavily on me yesterday and the day before…even though i’m working through my feelings…it would not feel good if i thought my guy was second guessing…or if he could feel that i was…but now i feel clear…and it feels soooo good 🙂

    but i had to work through it…i don’t see any other way



  221.  #221Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    hmmm…sometimes i feel weird..when i see i have a million posts in a row…did i scare ya all away 😉 what the hell…whaaa….i came to play! 🙂 until my bedtime which i promised myself i would be off at 830 no matter what! 🙂



  222.  #222Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    yay for JIm!! 2 outta 3!! 🙂



  223.  #223Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    is there a prize for having the most posts in a row? jk 😉

    Camile did you see i posted to you on the other thread..it was just a baby post 🙂



  224.  #224Lilybelle on April 28, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    218:

    POF hidden…
    Still showing on Match.
    I need new photos, BAD!

    I’m going to take Daria’s magic and put it to work tomorrow after I get back from getting my hair done. New photos…lots of them and then I’ll pick the best ones and stick ’em out there over the weekend.

    And, I still feel something big is coming around the corner.

    🙂



  225.  #225Elizabeth on April 28, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Hi Jilly!!
    Just checking in blog before I close up shop here!
    Always good to see you and read your posts 🙂
    Maybe try and go get yourself another CD to add to those two hotpilot and pipeliner, which u might remember, is supposed to help diffuse
    the back and forth comparing between two men
    that’s why Rori says three or more

    I’m planning on getting lashes done soon!

    🙂

    xxxooo



  226.  #226Daria on April 28, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    Thank. You lil. I feel awed



  227.  #227Elizabeth on April 28, 2011 at 7:16 pm

    Had a super fun enjoyable time on my date! Great conversations! I’m glad I listen to Rori’s advice and be open to the nice ones who may not look like Russell Crowe without making a snap judgment –like, ” oh, i will never be physically attracted to this guy”–but,
    I wasn’t turned off either, good sign. He asked to see me again….cool! And said, he doesn’t care what we do, as long as I get to be with you, that’s all I care about. Wow! I already get a vibe like this is someone who gets great happiness from seeing a lady happy through his giving and taking care of.

    🙂



  228.  #228Daria on April 28, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    Wow. I feel surprised and good. To read that u think i take good care of myself turquoise.

    Thank u for. Thestory of your friend ..it helps me as a sign.



  229.  #229Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    ok Lillybelle…(this is in my boy voice 🙂 after you get your pics done…no more hiding your profile…you take away some of the avenues for the universe to do magic and heal and practice 🙂 (now my girl voice) just see what it feels like if you just take away the option to take it down…what does that feel like…i feel curious about it…i never thought of hiding my profile until i became exclusive

    Hey Elizabeth!! i feel a special bond with you ever since you told me matter of factly to be matter of fact about my bathroom issues lol

    i am trying not to have “real” CD’s…that’s my problem lol otherwise i would have more than 2 and be on my merry way :)…i’m going the exclusive route right now with hotpilot..but pipeliner has decided that i am the one for him (but has not offered marriage..but offered to move to my city) so not quite there…but um..ya..pipeliner is long distance so it’s imaginary..

    yay for lashes!!! 🙂 i feel so excited for you..k hope you have a goodnight!! 🙂



  230.  #230Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    Elizabeth…Russell Crowe…YUM!! 🙂 just sayin’



  231.  #231Jilly on April 28, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Elizabeth…you sound really open with this guy…it feels good to read..yay for nice healthy manly men who want to make us happy 🙂



  232.  #232luzydel on April 28, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    So I had this impulse and contacted “D” I don’t know what got into me, he crossed my mind and I thought what the hell, I wont loose anything by trying…I wasn’t expecting him to reply at all, but he did right away here is the convo.

    Me: Just thought about you for some reason and decided to say hi. I hope all is well
    in your world.

    Him: Yes, thank you. How are you? I just been working hard and spending time with my
    son. What you been up to?

    Me:I’m doing ok, just spending time with my son and Scrat. Working and enjoying the weather.

    Him: Nice!! Me too!! Have you been dating?

    Me: Not now I’m taking a break, I am tired of having men running away from me :p . I feel like I smell bad. 🙂 lol

    Him: Men don’t run away from you. Plus, you don’t smell bad. 🙂 You smell good actually. 🙂

    Me: Thanks 🙂

    Him: I wish I could smell that scent again one day.

    Me: Only if you have the time 😉

    There was no answer from him after that…I just wanted to test How I would feel by leaning forward and I feel great. Nothing happened, I did not break and it is what it is. So what is the big deal? I admit I wish things were different for D and I.



  233.  #233Jim on April 28, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    214: Lilybelle
    &
    222: Jilly

    Thanks ladies,played golf & had fun!!

    As for getting laid? Well… I continue to dream on, funny thing is, this title blog pretty much suits me these days.

    I dreamed I met the most beautiful woman I have ever met. We got together, in the dream.

    As for reality, I know the most beautiful woman I have ever met and we are not together. Thats my side, I suppose her side is… I don’t really know.

    Jim



  234.  #234Jim on April 28, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    To all,

    Any comments ladies will be much appreciated.

    Jim



  235.  #235Elizabeth on April 28, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Pick a topic, Jim, whatcha wanna talk about?



  236.  #236Turquoise3 on April 28, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Hi Jilly. 🙂 I did see the post to me. Thanks! I hope so 🙂

    I tend to get all caught up in fate, signs, meant to be… and last night I saw this guy on OkCupid, and felt an instant connection, butterflies, wow… just from reading about him! I love his profile, he has one picture, such a cute face… but he describes his body as a little extra, which probably means a lot extra, and he’s only 5’6. I’m only 5’2, but don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone shorter than 5’9. This could be a growing experience for me, to not be superficial…. to not be caught up on one or two things I many not like about how someone looks. I love his face, but that is all you can see in the picture! He’s 39, has his doctorate, teaches something medical I think, from Texas (which I love, I lived there 2 years) loves to travel which is my passion… So far, we matched on the high rating, and have exchanged one email so far, but I felt an instant connection when I just read his profile. Strange… like I really am supposed to meet him. His name is Patrick.. I’ve never dated a Patrick. 🙂 I feel nervous to be excited about someone I’ve barely gotten to know. I’m all flustered!



  237.  #237Elizabeth on April 28, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Thanks, Jilly! 🙂
    I feel a special bond with you, too!
    I know, right? i will always remember the “matter of fact” bathroom humor! That was so cute how you brought that whole thing up LOL

    appreciate your feedback on my date status,

    and….Russell Crowe….OH MY!!

    xxxooo



  238.  #238Jim on April 28, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    235 Elizabeth

    Thanks!

    I’ll call her Good Friend. Jim really has it for GF, like this blog goes about the man stepping up and all, I’ve done that in my life and found the women were like what the guy said in, “The Ugly Truth,” when he was asked, “Who broke your heart?” Hopefully you seen it.

    My point is this, this time, I’d like to get involved with GF, though this time, I can’t play the strong man thing. Impress, dine, take over, I just don’t want it that way, Yes I like things that way BUT I can’t be there to be there all the time.

    What I do want is a mutual relationship, if that is possible. Here’s the thing, I know how to handle everything, pretty much, once involved. The thing is, I don’t want to take over as that what I felt like I had to do in previous relationships. Meet lots of expectations and expect little in return with exception to sex. I know there is more everything that can be had… harmony, fun, no adversarial behavior.

    I don’t know? Is this a good place to start?

    Thanks,
    Jim



  239.  #239luzydel on April 28, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    And by the way. I know a “miracle” has to happen in order for D and I get back toguether. When he told me ” I am just to busy for a relationship let’s be just ‘friends’ ” I felt turned off I will not setttle for a FWB, now maatter how much he misses my scent.

    I juist learned that leaning forward is not the problem, but How I react to it and the expectationa I may have towards it. Still I am not goingback to CDing yet, Unless someone ask me out “organically”.



  240.  #240luzydel on April 28, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    @233

    Ask her what her side is…it is that simple.



  241.  #241sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 8:18 pm

    Daria RE; 186-

    I’m sorry for any misunderstanding. I appreciate your response and even went back to read it again to see what more I could understand from it. I understood some, even though not all and what I take away from it and most of what you write here is that you have riffing so down!! I am very much learning from that! I thank you Daria for that. You have reinforced it for me and continue to do so every time I read your posts! I want to get better at that too.

    Maybe there is something that for where I’m at I missed something in there that I should wake up to. That is why I went back to read again! 🙂

    I really apprieciate you for specific reasons!

    BIG HUG!



  242.  #242Jim on April 28, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    240: luzydel

    Fair enough.

    Thanks,
    Jim



  243.  #243sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    Laughing Godess RE; 136

    It is funny how I still need to hear the “it’s ok” to go ahead and share feelings and personal experience with a man I am deeply interested in.

    Thank you for the encouragement!

    HUG!



  244.  #244sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    Tinque RE;136

    I have to say that I am somewhat relieved to hear your response because I don’t want to go into the details of way back when. Not even with my friends. I do just want to work it out inside myself and process it, but remembering to share the feeling messages along the way is more than enough for me to do!! So I guess it feels right. I am still left thinking if it feels so right because then I don’t have to get too deep and intimate……..hmmmmm…..

    Oh I don’t know…

    So I guess if he asks more, I will just lightly touch on the simple highlights?!

    HUG!



  245.  #245Nikita on April 28, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    I LOVED this post!!!



  246.  #246Elizabeth on April 28, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    238.

    Hi Jim,

    I didn’t see The Ugly Truth, but I watched the trailer just now, but, I’m sorry, I don’t know what you mean by You “found the women were like what the guy said in, “The Ugly Truth,” when he was asked, “Who broke your heart?”

    Can you say more about that?

    So, is it that you were involved with GF before, and you want a do-over? or you are friends with her and want to take it further?

    I think I may know somewhat what you mean about not taking over, and having a mutual relationship.

    There’s one CD (and there was another one) i have who seems to be wanting to establish mutuality from the get-go.

    He’s recently divorced, and it seems like he really doesn’t want to put himself out there, just re-entering the market after a long marriage. so he texted Sunday that he is free all week, but never actually asked me if I want to do something, and when i was available. As if expecting me to offer some times when I am available. Maybe to see if I am still interested, probably.

    That to me, is looking to be friends, not starting a courting thing, but I am re-thinking it a little to see it from another perspective.

    And it seems that he wants more than just friends, but he is sending mixed messages by sending the ball into my court too early.

    I think that may be in part because he senses other males around me, but I don’t know for sure.

    It’s all speculation!

    What say you?

    xxxooo



  247.  #247luzydel on April 28, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    Any thoughts on 232 will be helpful anyone? 🙂



  248.  #248Violet on April 28, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    What does EFT mean?



  249.  #249sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Luzydel-

    I am responding because you asked and I felt sad reading it. Wow! It is so interesting looking from the outside at a conversation like that. I felt sadness. Like I have when I have looked back at my converstions that I like to go back and do a retake, there have been many since I got my new tool kit.

    So ok, specifically, where you said that men run away. I believe the smelling bad part was to soften it and make light (my take, could be wrong). That is exactly what this article is about and you voiced one of your beliefs about yourself and being able to have the relationship you want, to the very man you have wanted it with most. Ouchie!

    I wish you could go back in your mind and do the whole conversation over again. The fact that you leaned forward doesn’t even stand out to me at all. But it’s the way the conversation felt. I think it was cute though, how he said that he would like to smell that scent again one day.

    The only if you have time would sound so good if it were converted to something more sireny, I don’t know, like “if you played your cards right”……..

    Oh Luzydel, I don’t know. Were you feeling very siren like when you reached out to him?

    BIG HUG!



  250.  #250Daria on April 28, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Thanks sweetmandm



  251.  #251Nikita on April 28, 2011 at 9:03 pm

    @248:
    emotional freedom technique



  252.  #252sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 9:07 pm

    My understanding is that when we feel sireny and wonderful is when it’s most ok to lean a bit? ?



  253.  #253sweetmandm on April 28, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Hi Daria-

    PLEASE PLEASE don’t feel like not offering me feedback ever. I gleen things from your feedback to me and that you offer others!

    🙂



  254.  #254Simply Shannon on April 28, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    OMG. I actually finished reading the post and did the EFT. That is jacked up. How in the hell did she get inside my head? Seriously, this is what I was writing about last night. 😯

    Hehe. I feel giddy.



  255.  #255Jim on April 28, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    246 Elizabeth,

    When asked, “Who broke his heart,” he said something like this… That he dated a lot of woman, some control freaks, co-dependents, helpless and found out that most of them really didn’t like him, something like that and I apologize for being unable to put it word for word.

    No, we’ve never been involved, no do-over. Yes, we are good friends, play golf a lot together, talk on the phone…

    Right- I don’t want to have to take over, like the song I posted with Leslie Gore, You Don’t Own Me. I really like her the way she “is.” so I suppose my fear is the same ole crap… expectations and so on.

    I believe when your cd txt you that he was available all week, He’s saying he’s interested. Feeling you out for the same. Should you comply in that communication, he will most likely make and take the next step. Of course much depends on where he’s at in terms of grief, being that a long marriage for him has been and is dissolving.

    I presume, if you are interested, you will make that clear??

    As for him “sending mixed messages?” Could be? When us men do like a woman, we are spun stupid.

    That he senses other males around you. Ok, I give you credit for being honest, perceptive and hopefully empathetic.

    Also, maybe you are perceiving the situation accurately. If so? The ball is in your court, you made it that way by cd’ing. To me that is not mutual, unless he has of course communicated the same and there are women around him.

    I can tell this about me, I am one of the most competitive men I have ever met. Though when it comes to women and love, I don’t compete, it’s like kids rough housing, someone always gets hurt when it gets rough. When I sense a woman is on that path, I don’t fight back and walk if I have to, no matter how much it hurt or if she hurt me. Why? Is there anything ever to be gained by hurting someone?

    As for you, “re-thinking it a little from another perspective?” Well done or should I say, “Well doing!”
    A person with that mentality can find themselves in boxes BUT that same kind of person shows they are growing.

    Back to you Elizabeth! 🙂
    Jim



  256.  #256Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 3:26 am

    Living in the Dominions , as I do , I was setting to watch Kate and Wills and my aerial died.

    I just pleaded with the angel of tv antennae and shoved the wire blind into a hole in the wall and its working!!!!!
    Thank you angel of TV antennaes 🙂

    I am watching Katies dishy bro who speaks very well .
    Too cute and prob gay.



  257.  #257Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 3:35 am

    The Opera House was great fun last night .
    My date (doc man) was fairly boring..maybe tired.
    I am a bit concerned its all STUCK . He still hasnt kissed me. Six dates and counting.

    Hes coming over for dinner tomorrow. I am gonna give it another try to see if we click more , waiting to feel something ignite..I wonder if men know that we NEED to be kissed to feel if the chemistry exists! I keep reminding myself of Roris words that “helping”a shy man is LEANING FORWARD.

    “The more we give of self the richer we become of soul” said teh Bishop of London just now.

    YES and NO .

    Depends who you give it too. No one teaches us to discriminate ..’cept you Rori !! Thanks 🙂



  258.  #258Mel on April 29, 2011 at 4:47 am

    Man! All this sex and touching talk is making me super jealous!

    I have the day off today… so catching up on some posts.

    Thanks again Rusty for all of your advice. Checking up on him doesn’t feel good to me at this time, but I appreciate your point of view. I feel comforted to hear that you think it probably has to do with him being really tired from work.

    If you don’t mind me asking… I don’t know how old you are, but did you experience a decrease in sexual desire at all as you got older? Hubby is in early 30’s (as am I). He used to have quite a high sex drive.

    The interesting thing is that as I reached my 30’s I would say my sex drive has increased. A lot of my friends are saying they have had the same experience. My best friend calls it “the dirty 30’s.”

    In my 20’s I was on the bc pill, which definitely decreased my sex drive, but I’ve stopped taking that for a few years now. It just seems that as soon as I hit 30, I wanted a lot more sex! (Maybe a biological clock thing?)

    It sucks that we have been out of sync sexually. When his drive was super high, I was on the pill. Now that I’m wanting more sex, he’s just not interested. Boo! Hopefully someday soon we’ll be on the same page!

    Anyone else watching the Royal wedding? So romantic!



  259.  #259Mel on April 29, 2011 at 4:54 am

    Rosa,

    The BBC and CBC (Canada) is broadcasting on the internet. You don’t need a tv!



  260.  #260Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 5:07 am

    229:

    I’m hearing you, Jilly. I wasn’t getting any “action” on POF anyway, outside of random comments about my boobs and men 20 years younger than me wanting to tap a cougar, so it isn’t like I’m missing anything. But, I get what you are saying so I will reconsider. I may even consider doing OK Cupid but we shall see. My issue is I am not photographic, at all. So it’s hard for me to get in front of a camera, they never really look the me I see in the mirror. My eyes are beautiful, if I don’t say so myself, so blue and I have a great smile but if a camera is on me, I look like such a dork, I get all self-conscious.

    I’m practicing being more aware in the real world. I’ve mentioned that before, that I don’t have a clue of what’s going on around me, the attention I receive, only what others have told me. Meeting men organically appeals to me as well, I just have to pay attention.

    I’m really in an excellent spot, I feel great, confident, siren-y and happy so the hiding isn’t because of NV’s or anything like that. Just wasn’t working for me at the moment.

    ~Lil



  261.  #261Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 5:07 am

    #238 Jim:

    How long have you and GF been friends? Once a woman puts a man in the “friend zone” there he is likely to remain. But there is no definitive answer there either- possibly she thinks YOU are only interested in her as a friend because you have as yet declined to wine and dine her? Show her you would like to be more than friends?

    I understand your desire to have a more “mutual” relationship and not have to “do everything”- that kind of partnership holds some appeal to me- but I have the impression you want to skip over courtship to get there and I think that’s a mistake. Women WANT to be courted. And if you really don’t want to put in the effort for that endeavor, perhaps you are more comfortable in the “friend zone” than you realize.

    What do you think?



  262.  #262Jilly on April 29, 2011 at 5:16 am

    awww…Lilybelle..i know you are beautiful 🙂 you sound really good too…and i was extra busy but i remember reading how you were feeling anxious about getting together with your whole family ….how did that go?



  263.  #263Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 5:18 am

    Of course thanks for the tip re internet Mel.

    And may I say the dirty thirties give way to the naughty forties 🙂

    I was so hot to trot!

    Can I say perhaps that I am waiting for the Sexy sixties! meanwhile I am stuck in the fruitless fifties ..waiting for some hot man to see how sexy and hot and horny I am:)



  264.  #264Jilly on April 29, 2011 at 5:18 am

    hey Mel! 🙂 good question..i would like to know that about guys in general too…and i’m 31 and my sex drive keeps going up too! 🙂



  265.  #265Mel on April 29, 2011 at 5:20 am

    Yay for 31! (Me too 🙂 )



  266.  #266Jilly on April 29, 2011 at 5:25 am

    yay for 31 lol :)!

    Rosa..it feels good to hear that it keeps going!! 🙂 i know it’s early but here’s a toast to having hot sex until we’re 100! 🙂 (that’s the caffeine starting to kick in 😉



  267.  #267Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 5:27 am

    Ah the Royal Kiss… What a happy day. 🙂



  268.  #268Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 5:32 am

    RE 232 Luzydel just one comment

    :Me: Only if you have the time

    I am thinking that we should always bring it back to self so “I will only share that with a man who wants to be in a long term committed relationship. I am done wasting my time”.



  269.  #269Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 5:40 am

    262:

    I pulled it off with grace, Jilly.

    I have another family event mid-May so I have to do it again…be in the same room with her..I am cordial, polite but I don’t offer anything from my life as I don’t trust her anymore. I can forgive her for all the betrayal, but I don’t have to forget and if there isn’t any trust, there isn’t much I can do. I don’t want her to know what is going on in my life. It will likely take some time before I feel safe to open up to her again. And, that’s okay. I did tell her a couple weeks ago that this is the kind of devestating damage that can occur from gossip, judgement and betrayal; they often lose people they love, even their sister.

    I am great though…Yay for me!!

    ~Lil



  270.  #270Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 5:42 am

    267: Lily T~

    The Royal kisses. So sweet, almost has me believing in fairy tales…almost. 😉

    ~Lil



  271.  #271Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Lilybelle:
    “The Royal kisses. So sweet, almost has me believing in fairy tales…almost. ” 😉

    Yeah. I don’t consider myself much of a romantic, but watching the wedding today…. it’s giving me a romantic ( and hopeful!) vibe. 🙂



  272.  #272Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 5:46 am

    Jilly, I want you to know AND EVERY JUDGMENTAL IGNORANT PERSON, male and female, that

    SEX begins at MENOPAUSE!



  273.  #273Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 5:47 am

    Lilybelle I am wondering if tapping around the whole photogenic thing could help you? I am also wondering if someone told you that you weren’t photogenic? Have you tried talking to yourself in the mirror about it? Have you ever wondered that someone might actually be attracted to you just because of this? Has it ever occurred to you that your soulmate might just have the same vibration around being photogenic?



  274.  #274Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 5:47 am

    Ooops , I didnt mean YOU Jilly, it didnt read well.. I meant all the men who have triggered me by wanting younger women in case they didnt get enough sex



  275.  #275Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 5:48 am

    While all menopausal me wants is a man to have sex with!!!!!!!!!!!!



  276.  #276Amazing Me on April 29, 2011 at 5:49 am

    Yay for 31, Wierd I am 31 also 🙂 Aquarius 😛



  277.  #277Amazing Me on April 29, 2011 at 5:50 am

    Wierd I am 31 also 🙂 Aquarius 😛



  278.  #278Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 5:50 am

    31 means Dirty One?



  279.  #279Amazing Me on April 29, 2011 at 5:50 am

    oops sorry about the double post…lmao



  280.  #280Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 5:51 am

    263:

    Oh yes, Rosa… I’m in my 40’s…I want to get laid ALL. THE. TIME.

    ~Lil



  281.  #281Amazing Me on April 29, 2011 at 5:55 am

    Ok Mercedes, Rusty, Lily, since you all have followed my story somewhat. I may be going to, my “Friend, the army guy, house to help decorate and catch up since it’s been about a year since we have spoken and almost like 2 years since we spent time. I need advice I know I am going to stay open and lean wayyyy back but any other suggestions?? Help!! I just want to say you like me or not so I can move on if that is the case. I love him, but I want to get to know him more…What do I do??



  282.  #282Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 5:56 am

    273: FP~

    I know this to be true about myself. It is what it is.

    Just like when I was out with my gf a couple weeks ago and we had a photo taken of the two of us, she looked at it and said.. “That doesn’t look like you.”

    When I look in the mirror, I see a pretty woman, with beautiful blue eyes, a fab smile, and pretty features. The camera doesn’t do me justice.

    The worst day ever for being photographed was my wedding day, hundreds of photographs and very very few that looked like me. Even my ex agreed. It was awful and we laughed a lot about it.

    LOL!



  283.  #283Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 6:13 am

    Lilybelle,

    Have you had a pro take “casual” pictures of you? I don’t usually like the casual photos taken of me- if I ever do the on-line thing I would ‘have’ to go to a pro-lol.



  284.  #284Mercedes on April 29, 2011 at 6:14 am

    Amazing: If you want to get to know him more then just enjoy your day with him. Have fun. Allow him the opportunity to bring up the past if he wants to. Today might not be the right day…it’s been a long time…why not simply enjoy today yet be open to talking about it if he brings it up. Then….if things don’t progress beyond today, you’ll have a fun memory. If things do start to progress farther than “getting to know him”…at that point, if he hasn’t brought it up, you can..mostly because I think it’s important to know if he’s changed. If you’re getting to know him, it doesn’t matter whether or not he would do it again. If you’re moving forward into a relationship (or sex or both) then you probably better talk about it.

    As far as moving on if he doesn’t want something more for the two of you, I’d move on anyway but continue to see him if he asks. Meaning…enjoy your time with him, enjoy his company and circular date. If he wants more than that, he’ll bring it up and at that point, you can talk about what happened before and what steps he’s taken to make sure it won’t happen again.

    Make sense?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  285.  #285Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 6:22 am

    Amazing Me,

    Has he contacted you again about decorating his house, or anything else? Leaning back means not taking the initiative to contact him- so I can’t advise you to do that.

    If he does contact you again, why not express your wishes to him in terms of feeling messages? Something like, ” I feel I would like to get to know you better.” ?

    I’ll tell you AM, the fact he said cruel things to you when you were involved before makes me feel bad about you trying again with him. I feel nervous offering advice to you about this. Regardless, I think you do need to address his prior behavior if you want to move forward with him. Start writing some feeling messages about that until you come up with some that aren’t “too blamey”.



  286.  #286Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 6:33 am

    283:

    I have been tossing that around actually, Lily T. My step-sister is a trained photographer so we may be doing just that at the get together mid-May.

    If those don’t come out well, I’ll look towards a real pro.



  287.  #287Jilly on April 29, 2011 at 6:33 am

    Rosa…thanks for clarifying..i read it and thought hmmmm…what did i do? lol but i really didn’t think youmeant anything by it 🙂

    ok off to work..hope everyone has an amazing day!



  288.  #288Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 6:37 am

    Interesting words from VFeingold Clark

    No man wants to be with a “yes woman.” It’s not sexy or flattering. There is no challenge — no friction — no growth.

    When you take a stand for yourself and challenge a man, it creates a spark of attraction that can grow into a bonfire of love.

    If who you are and what you believe make him turn away from you then you have your answer: he is not the right man for you.

    It’s scary speaking up when you’ve been hiding your true feelings and not expressing yourself. But it is essential to having true love and a healthy relationship.



  289.  #289Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 6:49 am

    More great words of wisdom FP. Thank you for sharing them.



  290.  #290SummerBaby on April 29, 2011 at 6:51 am

    Lilybelle,

    Get an image of your ideal man, characteristic wise in your head and how he makes you feel. You can imagine that he has the face of a hot actor you like.

    When you get in front of a camera, imagine “him” standing just behind to the left or right of the camera and he’s blowing you a kiss. I guarantee you’ll get some good shots.

    Some of the best photos I have that others compliment were taken with a hot guy either in my mind or behind the camera.

    Try it.

    hugs,
    summerbaby



  291.  #291Elizabeth on April 29, 2011 at 6:51 am

    288: Femininepower says:

    Interesting words from VFeingold Clark
    ~~~~~~

    Thank you! That’s what I’M talkin’ about!

    xxxooo



  292.  #292Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 7:05 am

    290:

    Love it, SB. And, since I am so clear on my ideal man, this will be a no brainer!

    Thank you!!!

    ~Lil



  293.  #293Amazing Me on April 29, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Mercedes and Lily I do agree, I am going to have fun with it while keeping my boundries!! I will lean back and see if he brings it up but I will and plan to circular date in the meantime. I am not waiting on him, I am getting to know him. It will be interesting to see if he brings it up. He did mention in a text yesterday that I just missed him getting on my case like before…like it was a joke. Well I quickly said well there is a thin line with joking and being respectful and I do not put up with disrespect. Then he says, Thatta girl. Like he wanted me to give it to him, like he is testing me, wtf….Ugghhhh I am just going with the flow keeping boundries and letting nature take it’s course. If anything I am going to have fun with it.



  294.  #294Amazing Me on April 29, 2011 at 7:13 am

    It’s more of a visit to catch up get some wine and relax…maybe get some decorating done but he hasn’t said anymore about that.



  295.  #295Elizabeth on April 29, 2011 at 7:23 am

    255 Jim

    Hi Jim,

    “When asked, “Who broke his heart,” he said something like this… That he dated a lot of woman, some control freaks, co-dependents, helpless and found out that most of them really didn’t like him, something like that and I apologize for being unable to put it word for word.”

    ***
    Not a problem. For me, I have found that I can really, really like someone, even maybe know that I love them, but at this stage of the game, I am simply unwilling to live and deal with chronic arrogance, deep-seated anger, chip on shoulder insecurity and childishness. There has to at least be a willingness to look at these things, and a sincere commitment to work on them. If not, the potential for abuse, physical or emotional rises quite a bit.
    Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
    ***

    “No, we’ve never been involved, no do-over. Yes, we are good friends, play golf a lot together, talk on the phone…

    Right- I don’t want to have to take over, like the song I posted with Leslie Gore, You Don’t Own Me. I really like her the way she “is.” so I suppose my fear is the same ole crap… expectations and so on.”

    ***
    That version of her doing that song live is really incredible, i must say! 🙂
    Well, if you really want something else other than friends, don’t just sit there – Do something! If you like the status quo, don’t do anything. Maybe you would like an FWB arrangement. Maybe she would too, you never know. It makes sense to find out what people want and what they don’t want in relationship, up front.
    ***

    “I believe when your cd txt you that he was available all week, He’s saying he’s interested. Feeling you out for the same. Should you comply in that communication, he will most likely make and take the next step. Of course much depends on where he’s at in terms of grief, being that a long marriage for him has been and is dissolving.

    I presume, if you are interested, you will make that clear??”

    ***
    I did respond that I would enjoy getting together sometime during the week, and that was all I wanted to say, because it is enough. in my mind, you have to create certain distinctions between just a friendship and a potential relationship, by not treating it like you’re making a doctor’s appointment or something. Haven’t heard from him and it’s Friday. Maybe he’s been busy preparing for the Royal Wedding, I dunno.

    “As for him “sending mixed messages?” Could be? When us men do like a woman, we are spun stupid.”

    ***
    Yes, as we say where I come from “yeah, tell me about it” 😉
    ***

    “That he senses other males around you. Ok, I give you credit for being honest, perceptive and hopefully empathetic.

    Also, maybe you are perceiving the situation accurately. If so? The ball is in your court, you made it that way by cd’ing. To me that is not mutual, unless he has of course communicated the same and there are women around him.”

    ***
    I was told that he wants to be out there just meeting new people. I applaud him for that. I detect the controlling type of energy in him, expecting me to behave and respond a certain way.
    For instance, reciprocity is supposed to look like this and this. No can do. I do think it’s OK to expend some energy developing male friendships without expectation as to where it is supposed to lead, but not a lot.
    ***

    “I can tell this about me, I am one of the most competitive men I have ever met. Though when it comes to women and love, I don’t compete, it’s like kids rough housing, someone always gets hurt when it gets rough. When I sense a woman is on that path, I don’t fight back and walk if I have to, no matter how much it hurt or if she hurt me. Why? Is there anything ever to be gained by hurting someone?”

    ***
    Not sure, Jim, but I would think that unless there is a mutual agreement of some type between two people to “go steady” then it’s open season, and your unwillingness to compete may be something for you to look at. Otherwise you are getting into making assumptions territory.
    ***

    “As for you, “re-thinking it a little from another perspective?” Well done or should I say, “Well doing!”
    A person with that mentality can find themselves in boxes BUT that same kind of person shows they are growing.”

    ***
    And can get out of the box more quickly.
    ***

    “Back to you Elizabeth! :-)”

    ***
    Gee, I feel like an anchorwoman!
    ***

    🙂
    xxxooo



  296.  #296Prairie Girl on April 29, 2011 at 8:22 am

    Jilly
    I had some thoughts about pipeliner guy yesterday when I read what he’s saying…. I’ve slept since then though so hope I can remember what I wanted to say..

    The gist is that basically he’s NOT doing ANYTHING different… it’s all words… and ALL since he knows you’re moving on… it’s like a mouse to a cat… or a cape to a bull…It’s all still imaginary…you are a challenge now…

    I can’t say why the imaginary is so tempting to you when the real thing is so good, but if I were in the situation feeling this way I would suspect it was because I was so much more comfortable w/angst and wanting/longing that having, and I had to keep it up because the peace was too unfamiliar.. and poss scary… because what if I got used to good, and present, and peaceful… and then lost it?

    It’s like I’ve heard some AA members say.. “we know we can handle misery, but we don’t know if we can handle happy”….

    Just what popped into my head…I don’t think Pipeliner has changed a flip… hes just into the game now… but if he caught you.. then what? I think same ole same ole…. what you walked away from…

    But that’s just my opinion and we all know I’ve spent part of the week swimming in the toilet so should be taken w/a grain of…. uh… toilet bowl cake?… IDK… lol

    Angels on your body
    PG



  297.  #297SummerBaby on April 29, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Jim,

    A guy came to me with a similar story. He was spending time hanging out with this woman that he was really into. She had all these great traits and they had a lot of hobbies and things in common.

    He said he thought she liked him, but she sent mixed signals. I said, so put your intentions out there. Let her know you’re interested. If she thinks you’re just friends, she’ll tell you so. If she wants more, she’ll tell you that too. Either way, you will find out so you can either proceed or you can move on to someone who is interested in more.

    She told him they were just friends. It bothered him a little, but it cleared him to move on and stop wondering. Shortly thereafter, he met a fabulous woman who thinks he’s equally fab. Best part is it did not hurt his friendship with the first woman in any way.

    hugs,
    summerbaby



  298.  #298Prairie Girl on April 29, 2011 at 8:27 am

    Lil just come see me and let me take your pictures… though Im not a hot man.. I’ll let you visualize him standing off beside me and I promise NOT to grab his a$$….lol

    I KNOW exactly what you mean about not looking like the pics!!!!! I swear! I had my cousin take some w/HER phone thinking that was the problem but it did the same thing… it even made my fluffy hair FLAT!!!

    I can get good shots though if I’m persistent… I can get them of you and we need a bonfire…

    Road trip!!!

    Hey if you do it after May 23rd my kids will be w/their dad and we’ll go to Texas, find some bulls and cowboys and have some fun… …swear to goose grease… I just need a partner in crime and I can find us some trouble…

    PG



  299.  #299Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 8:41 am

    298:

    PG~ I know, right?

    I wish I could swing coming that soon.. I have to watch my p’s and q’s for my move in July…

    But you can be sure, we will do this. And, I’ll be equally at fault for finding us some trouble. 😉

    <3
    ~Lil



  300.  #300turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 8:57 am

    Hi Sirens… where is everyone today? I have some free time at work and can chat if anyone is around 🙂



  301.  #301Mel on April 29, 2011 at 8:58 am

    Hi Turquoise3!



  302.  #302turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 9:08 am

    Hi Mel!! 🙂 How is the new job going? It’s been a busy work week for me, but I’m all caught up and alone in the office, so I have some free time over lunch. 🙂



  303.  #303Mel on April 29, 2011 at 9:12 am

    It’s been great! I have the day off today (because we need to come in a few hours over the weekend), so it’s been an easy transition week for me.

    Working makes me feel so much more useful and content. It also makes it so much easier to lean back and give him space as I am able to get simple “human contact” from others. lol.

    Any big plans for the weekend? It’s supposed to be really nice weather here, so I am hoping to do something outside tomorrow.



  304.  #304Simply Shannon on April 29, 2011 at 9:15 am

    Lilybelle, these words jumped out at me…

    “I’m practicing being more aware in the real world. I’ve mentioned that before, that I don’t have a clue of what’s going on around me, the attention I receive, only what others have told me. Meeting men organically appeals to me as well, I just have to pay attention.”

    This is so me!! My friends will tell me how X guy was looking at me, and I’m either oblivious or thinking he was looking at my girlfriend. Color me clueless.

    I don’t remember ever having a man ask for my digits in real life. Definitely not in the last decade. 😯 I was either married or dating online. I set an intention JUST LAST NIGHT about having men approach me organically in real life (i.e. not just online).

    Yes, I intend to be aware of men around me. I’m great at making eye contact for 1 second but if it’s a man I immediately look away. I can see that I’m blocking them now so that I feel safe.

    Good stuff to notice. Thank you!



  305.  #305Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 9:20 am

    300:

    I have free time from work today too. I took the day off!

    Mel, I see you are off as well.

    I am almost running out the door to get my blond back on. I always darken during the fall/winter and then brighten back up in the spring.

    I am CDing myself…yay!!

    Back in a few hours.

    Have a great day!

    ~Lil



  306.  #306Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 9:20 am

    Mel do you have a garden. I read somewhere that helps us to bond with nature and that lifts our femininity.



  307.  #307Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 9:23 am

    PG I like your assessement but don’t know about the toilet bowl. What you said to Jilly made a lot of sense to me.



  308.  #308Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 9:23 am

    304:
    Isn’t it funny, Shannon? I never believed my gf’s or even the men I was with, when they would tell me that I was being checked out. Apparently, I’ve missed out on all kinds of men. HAHAHA…

    Usually when I am out with friends, I am focused on the group as a whole, not my surroundings. And when I am dating…well, I’m there with him.

    Even when I’m grocery shopping, doing mundane errands, I don’t pay attention so I am setting the intention as well.

    YAY for us!!!

    ~Lil



  309.  #309turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 9:27 am

    That’s great Mel. I know what you mean. I was a stay home mom for a long time, and when I started working, I almost felt guilty getting paid. It was easy, beat being at home cleaning or watching TV. Working made me feel soooo much better! Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my days off, when I get them and the weekends, but it feels good to have a purpose outside my home. 🙂



  310.  #310turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 9:28 am

    Oh, and no plans so far for the weekend. Todd wants to get together, but I’m really not interested, so I don’t want to drag it out, give him some false hope. He had really really bad teeth, that isn’t ok with me.



  311.  #311Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 9:29 am

    RE 308 Lilybelle it can still be intimidating when guys come up to you organically. I had that happen recently where one called me over and told me he liked the way I am. I was at church. I just barely said thank you and continued talking to a friend I had approached. I caught myself and we have since spoken but I find myself acting as if I am not interested. I am afraid he might be much younger and eventually want kids. It is interesting how I notice what I am thinking and recognizing that I am so way ahead thinking before anything even happens. These are the ways I have unconsciously blocked myself. I realize that I also have a belief that I don’t want to be with younger men but I am not sure why.



  312.  #312Mel on April 29, 2011 at 9:30 am

    No garden, but I love to take close-up photographs (macro) of flowers and nature. No flowers blooming here yet though! (Soon I hope!)



  313.  #313turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 9:33 am

    My horoscope for today. 🙂 Sagitarrius

    Your adventurous spirit inspires you to set aside all inhibitions and say goodbye to caution. Follow your own advice and see where it leads you — a sweet yet passionate meet-up could be lurking in your near future.



  314.  #314turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 9:35 am

    Oh and the sex drive thing… I agree. Women’s go into turbo drive at 30, mens seem to decline. I miss having good sex… hope my horoscope comes true! 🙂



  315.  #315Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Also congrats Mel on the job. I hope you get an opportunity to CD with men there so you can pay attention to yourself.



  316.  #316tinque on April 29, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Jilly – “Tinque…i get my lashes redone on Saturday… yay!! how are yours holding up? ”

    They held up great, and I still love them. Getting a touch up in a bit. I think I will get fewer of the really long ones. They did just what you said, tended to twist and not stay on as well.

    xx



  317.  #317Meemee on April 29, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Ladies
    I got the money.
    I had to go to department today to return some library books and get a letter from the director to apply for my visa. I called our department office receptionist and told her X will give her some money and I will collect it from her. She happily agreed to keep the money till I reach. When I reached department I saw X entering the office. He was accompanied by, as usual, his two female friends. I waited for some time. I went to our receptionist and asked her about the money. She said X has not given her any money. I was determined I will not go and ask him, nor will I text him again. I went to the library, returned the books and had to get some books reissued. So i got busy with my work. He called me twice. I didn’t take the call. Then he called me to the library phone. Librarian told me X is online. I told the librarian I am busy with work and cant take the call now and I will get back to him. I was pretty sure if i pick the call he will ask me to take the money from him and i didn’t want to talk to him from the library. I sent him a text “Leave the money with the receptionist”. After 5 minutes he sent a text “I gave the money to her. There is —– amount”.
    After some time receptionist came to me with an envelope and gave it to me.
    I didn’t send him any text thanking him or informing him that I have collected the money. I didn’t feel the need to text him either to thank him or to pass any information. He did what he ought to have done before. And he will get to know from the receptionist that I have collected the money. There really was no need for any further communication.
    Then I met his friend (the one to whom I told about the pregnancy and abortion) on the stairs. I was talking to a friend and was laughing over something. When she passed me, she looked at me. I raised my chin slightly (something i do when I want to feel confident) and smiled at her gently. She rushed down the stairs and left.
    When I was drafting the letter, a few minutes before I left the department I met X. I was sitting at the reception computer desk and talking over the phone. I saw him coming down. I kept talking. I didn’t even look at him.
    So ladies. I thank all of you who cheered me through this. Thanks for helping me fight for myself and helping me to stand tall for myself.
    Loneplum if you read this I want you to know that I love you and I owe my life to you.
    This is the end of the story. No more texts. No more asking for money. Nothing from now on. I am free. I got myself free some weeks ago. But I had to communicate with him about the money. This was inevitable.
    Thanks
    I feel tired after a whole day’s work.
    Exhausted
    Convinced that THIS IS THE LAST SCENE. There are no last words. The last word is always an action
    Meemee



  318.  #318Meemee on April 29, 2011 at 9:53 am

    Dont know why, feeling very very tired and drained out.
    Need some positive vibes and energy
    🙂
    Meemee



  319.  #319mali on April 29, 2011 at 9:55 am

    So, I need to rant.
    After the (what seems like) hundreds of guys at work who like me, and have asked (through an intermediary) whether I’d be interested in considering them as a future husband, we have a guy who’s new. He started working about a month ago, but I don’t see him all too often since I work part time.
    So on Wednesday, we were working on the same shift, and he tells me, “I’ve missed you”, to which I respond, “I missed you too!”. He then uses, on our shift, almost every opportunity to touch me, and later on asks me how old I am, and whether I have a boyfriend. To which I respond, and flirt back.
    The following day, he’s still playful, but not as full on. Which I couldn’t understand why, but I’m determined to be ME, free, and gorgeous. (Even in the unattractive uniform)
    I’m just trying to work out my feelings here. I feel good flirting with him, I love his cockiness. It’s a turn on! Plus he’s attractive, and he knows it.
    Yet, I’m so turned off by his immaturity and cockiness. And I have him down as a player. Bleurgh. If he thinks he can treat me similarly to how I think he’d treat others, he has another thing coming.

    Whew, I feel more free and happy getting that off my chest!



  320.  #320tinque on April 29, 2011 at 9:57 am

    sweetmandm – “So I guess if he asks more, I will just lightly touch on the simple highlights?!”

    Not if you don’t want to. Say you don’t feel comfortable talking about these thing.

    K and I have NEVER talked about past relationships except where it has related to the present and only insomuch as it did relate.

    Childhood stuff of course has come up, but only as it has felt comfortable and appropriate to either one of us.

    It has nothing to do with avoiding going deep. I like to say that the past is just that, passed. How about going deeply into the no instead.

    xxoo



  321.  #321turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 9:57 am

    Meemee, that is great. I’m so happy for you that it’s settled and you can move past it.

    Where is loneplum by the way? It’s been awhile since she’s posted.



  322.  #322mali on April 29, 2011 at 9:58 am

    Re: 318- Meemee
    Go you, sister! You’ve come a long way. I think you should love yourself and be proud of how you dealt with things today. We’re here cheering for you with all those pom poms, just for you 😉



  323.  #323Meemee on April 29, 2011 at 10:04 am

    I love you all.
    I am thankful to you all my lovely friends and sirens.
    Meemee



  324.  #324Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 10:06 am

    Meemee,
    I so relieved he came through with money and you can now move on without that being a lingering issues. You deserve to feel very proud of the way you handled a bad situation with grace and dignity.

    I’m sending you all possible positive vibes and uplifting energy.



  325.  #325Meemee on April 29, 2011 at 10:07 am

    Loneplum
    I miss you here today
    I miss your words today.
    Hope u are well.
    And SLV, I miss you as well.
    I am thinking of you Honey. (may be you stopped reading the blog?)
    Meemee



  326.  #326LD on April 29, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Ok, uncharted territory here. MinisterCD just asked me for a date for next week via TEXT, which he knows I don’t like. He doesn’t know I’ve become exclusive with D, because he hasn’t bothered to call or ask for a date until now. He has texted casually about my job or his a few times and I’ve responded, but that’s pretty much it. To be honest, if D wasn’t in the picture, I’d be feeling pretty turned off and bored with ministerCd and probably wouldn’t be interested in keeping him as a CD anymore.

    My question is, do I respond that I’ve become exclusive to the text or not? Or go silent to the text and wait for him to call and then tell him what the situation is now, which is what I would’ve done before if he’d tried to make a date via text. Or just do nothing?



  327.  #327LD on April 29, 2011 at 10:12 am

    Meemee,

    so happy for you to finally get the money and have that issue off of your mind!



  328.  #328tinque on April 29, 2011 at 10:14 am

    MeeMee – Yes, yes, YES!!!! I feel so proud of you. You stood your ground. YAY!!! And you are so right not to call or text him at all, not now, not ever.

    Huge congratulations and hugs.

    xxoo



  329.  #329tinque on April 29, 2011 at 10:17 am

    LD – A return text would be the considerate thing to do. No need for heavy details.

    xxoo



  330.  #330Laughing Goddess on April 29, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Meemee: wow! I feel so proud of you and how you handled yourself. I feel so excited to know that you are moving onto a better feeling things. You deserve to feel good. We all deserve to feel good. Yay for feeling good!!

    weeeeeeeeeeee! 🙂



  331.  #331Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 10:23 am

    LD- maybe he asked for a date via text, because he didn’t want to be turned down by phone? I agree with Tinque, a return text declining is considerate.



  332.  #332Meemee on April 29, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Turquoise3,Lily, Mali, Tinqe, LD, Laughing Goddess
    Thanks, from the depth of my heart.
    I feel good reading ur responses
    I feel confident
    Meemee



  333.  #333Laughing Goddess on April 29, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Tinque re:320

    I’m feeling confused about your advice to SweetMandM because it is so different from my own personal experience.

    I’ve been working through some pretty deep childhood stuff lately. I’ve been working with Rori, doing nlp, family constellations….really going deep in a way I never have before.

    And I suspect that part of the reason I have the courage to face the past and re-solve it is because I feel safe and loved in my relationship.

    I’ve shared a lot of my process with him. He sees that by working on this I am a lot less trigger-y and nicer to him.

    I’ve felt totally supported by him through this process and I think that if I hadn’t shared what I was experiencing , he probably would have taken it personally.

    My sharing of childhood stuff and mostly importantly, him seeing that I am releasing and re-solving it has brought is closer in a healthy way…which is why I feel confused by your advice.

    I’m wondering if maybe it depends on a individual personalities. Maybe some people or more expressive about there internal processes and some people do better by being more quiet about it.

    What do you think?



  334.  #334Laughing Goddess on April 29, 2011 at 10:44 am

    Whoops their, not there 🙂



  335.  #335LD on April 29, 2011 at 10:56 am

    ok, so a simple “no thank you” is all that’s needed. No explanation unless he calls and asks and it feels good to me to give one. Thanks everyone. This is the part I’m not good at.

    Makes me wonder how many men I’ve chosen who I knew would break up with me so that I wouldn’t have to be the one to do it. HMMMMM…..



  336.  #336Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Daria,

    Buna din!



  337.  #337Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Meemee,

    RE: #317 – Good job! You handled it well! Thank God you can truly move on with your life now. Rest, you did something that was very emotionally draining!



  338.  #338Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:06 am

    Feeling sad, discouraged, worried, slightly angry, slightly hopeless, heavy-hearted…. Nothing happened, I just woke up this way.



  339.  #339turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 11:08 am

    LD, I’d be straightforward and tell him you are in an exclusive relationship. No thank you could mean that if he asks again, he’ll get a different answer. If someone asked D out, how would you want him to handle it?



  340.  #340Queenbee on April 29, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Thank you all for the kind birthday wishes! I had a really fun day. Lots of good wishes, pressies, lunch w/ mum, shopping and me doing my thing, which all felt really good!

    Just catching up on here…

    xoxoxo



  341.  #341turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 11:13 am

    🙁 Lucy, sorry to hear that. It’s all this damn rain. Tomorrow will be better, promise!



  342.  #342Queenbee on April 29, 2011 at 11:19 am

    #317 – Wow! Meemee, CONGRATULATIONS!! Big hug to you. This feels good reading and so SO happy for your new beginning!

    Sending you loads of Siren love energy and bliss!

    xoxoxo



  343.  #343Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Thanks Camile.



  344.  #344turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 11:21 am

    Brenda,

    OK, so your ex husband was in jail during your relationship, and the ex boyfriend didn’t seem like he was really available, kept going back to the just friends thing…

    So, we need to find you an available man for a real relationship, that likes affection and intimacy. That is the goal I have for you…. why I have a goal for you, not sure, but you deserve some real love 🙂



  345.  #345Lily T. on April 29, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Sorry you’re feeling down today Lucy. Did you watch any of the Royal wedding? Made me feel romantic and hopeful- have had it on t.v. all day. Maybe you need a distraction of sorts?



  346.  #346Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Meemee sending you positive vibes and energy. I am happy to read your comments and want to congratulate you. Please read Rori’s article above and really try to do the exercise. It is helping me immensely.
    Love you girl.



  347.  #347Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:30 am

    I am feeling bored with compliments from this man (so far online only, but not a dating site, he lives kinda far). I don’t know if it’s bc of an issue with Me or with Him. Ironically my primary love language is words of affirmation. I feel worried that this means I am losing the mild attraction I had to him. I wanted the attraction to Grow, not diminish. Plus, I’m feeling … sad?… about TN man. I feel confused about myself and relationships.



  348.  #348Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:35 am

    LD This is how I read Tinque’s comment: “it would be the considerate thing to do if I feel like being considerate”. I am not sure I would send it. It seems you might have tacitly agreed with him to communicate with him and accept dates via text in the past. Is that correct? In any event I feel I would not respond if I were you.



  349.  #349LD on April 29, 2011 at 11:35 am

    thanks Camile, you’re right.



  350.  #350Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Hi Lily. Thanks. No I haven’t watched any of it. For some reason I never turn TV on during the day…



  351.  #351turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Lucy,

    I think it’s good to have introspective days, even sad, diappointing days, gives us a chance to feel our feelings, and it’s so noticably different when our vibe is up and we are having a good day, that we appreciate it even more.

    I was feeling discouraged about relationships too, decided just to focus on me, didn’t take long at all, some really good men started coming into the picture, some past men returned, and even though I don’t think THE ONE is in the bunch, my vibe is way up and I feel good. There are so many men out there.. no need to get caught up on just one. 🙂 HUGS!



  352.  #352Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:36 am

    RE 347 Lucy have you been doing the tapping? I find just asking myself the questions is very powerful for me.



  353.  #353LD on April 29, 2011 at 11:37 am

    FP.

    no, I never accepted dates with him via text in the past. In fact, I gave him a FM speech about not accepting dates via text and whenever he tried to do that, I just went silent until he picked up the phone and called. That’s why I wasn’t sure if I should bother to respond to his text or not.



  354.  #354Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:38 am

    I must add that up until today I have been quite delighted with his words to me – the compliments, everything.



  355.  #355turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 11:40 am

    LD,

    I’m sure it’s scary to think about letting go of a CD, just in case…. not giving a definite no, could keep him in the background. BUT, you seem really happy with D, he said some amazing things to you about wanting you in his life, even brought up marriage. It’s always a risk, but I’d enjoy what you have, focus on yourself and the future you want. Hopefully D will live up to his words…. but Minister CD isn’t the guy for you, so I wouldn’t even keep him in your radar. You have so much else on your plate right now with the job, your son, etc. just keep what makes you feel good around you now. 🙂



  356.  #356Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Turquoise,

    RE: #344 – Thank you! I appreciate that!



  357.  #357Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:43 am

    RE 353 LD that looks to me like him testing your boundaries. With that context, I definitely would not recommend responding.



  358.  #358turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Lucy, it could just be your mood today. I wouldn’t write him off just yet. Just take a step back and focus on something else, that makes you feel good. It’s Friday!! Do something sireny this weekend.

    I think we should have homework on this board. Anyone who wants to play along… tonight, do something that makes you feel like a siren, and post back so we can share ideas. 🙂

    Also, this weekend… if you don’t have any siren panties, go buy a pair. Red, black, lacy, thong, sheer… whatever feels good to you. Even if no one sees them but you, you’ll know you are wearing them! 🙂



  359.  #359turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Leaving work now… hello weekend! I’ll be back later on today. Make it a great day ladies! 🙂



  360.  #360Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Lucy are you saying that you can feel and build attraction without physical proximity? Or was it only intellectual attraction that only activates one part of your brain, so now the other parts are wanting more?



  361.  #361Simply Shannon on April 29, 2011 at 11:47 am

    LD, send him my way. 😉



  362.  #362Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I can “hear” Daria advising, “Tell him the truth – tell him you feel bored with his words.” But I also “hear” Tinque saying, “Receive and appreciate what he is giving you; no expectations.” I feel a lil weird posting this bc I could be wrong Daria and Tinque – but would be happy to hear anyone’s thoughts on it (incl D and T).



  363.  #363Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Thanks FP. I’ve done that process/exercise a lot in the past but maybe this is a good time to do it again. I’ll give it a try.



  364.  #364Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:54 am

    RE 362 Makes a lot of sense Lucy and both would be choosing to practice what we want to create. However, my only issue with telling him the truth is that I feel she is at the point of kicking him off her horse so aside from speaking up for oneself I am not sure what other point there would be for speaking up. Telling him you feel bored with his words could, in my mind, be indicating that you want him to take some action. Hence the question, does she want him to take action? If he does, will she then reject him and could it then be construed as a woman leading on a man? I know too much analyzing.

    Then again if she ignores him she could possibly become a challenge, in his mind, and unconsciously up the chase as in Jilly and Pipeliner.



  365.  #365Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 11:56 am

    I have this feeling/thought… almost like a possible intuition… that I should completely detach in every way from TN man. I don’t know for sure if it’s my intuition directing me for my highest good or if it’s just yucky feelings making me want to shut down and run away from discomfort.



  366.  #366Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:57 am

    Lucy I was just out walking and though I was not tapping I found myself playing the questions over and over in my head. The same thing was happening this morning in the shower.
    What if they could like me with all my faults and negative traits?
    What if I could create the relationship I want with the man I want?
    What if I could create a relationship with a man who wants to be with me, cherish me and give to me just because he wants to?
    I find these questions so comforting to my heart and my brain. They just keep playing over and over again with no effort. I am feeling more and more that it is possible.



  367.  #367Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 11:58 am

    RE 365 Could it be your inner knowing? Your higher self speaking to you?



  368.  #368Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Like, part of me thinks I’m being triggered by him (TN) so I should process it and work through all the issues he brings up in me so I can heal them… but another part of me thinks I should just Stop trying to process and make sense of the issues and my feelings. I’m afraid if I stop, I will miss out on healing something. But it feels bad to think about the stuff.



  369.  #369Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    364 FP. I was actually talking about myself in 362 – my situation with feeling bored with the man’s compliments. 🙂



  370.  #370Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    Ooops thopught it was referring to LD’s situation.

    The same thing just happened to me with one who always complements me but I feel icky around him because he comes across as a sleezy old man. I have been trying to change my vibe and accept his complements but am convinced it is because of the energy he gives off. I have shared the experience with a mutual male friends who suggested he could understand why I felt that way with him.



  371.  #371Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Waaaiiit a minute… hmm. Something fishy going on here… Today my uncomortable thoughts and feelings are swirling around both TN man and this other guy…. and it just occurred to me that they both live in the same city (Camile’s) and both came up with the same pet name for me (which was very strange bc the name is very specific). Maybe I am afraid of ending up in the same city as TN.



  372.  #372kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Just caught up on everyone here the past few days. I tried taking a few days off from here and other related relationship blogs. Didn’t help. Still feel same way. Still feel guilt. Still feel angry it was my fault for having too many expectations instead of just being surprised and appreciative. I admire Tinque and feel like if I was more like her, this wouldn’t have happened. His resistance to follow through on things he promised were naturally in reaction to my high expectations, right? Because I wasn’t patient with him and didn’t understand how busy he was (otherwise, he’d go broke and starve. seriously.) I’m having a hard time with this.



  373.  #373kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I am writing him an unsent letter in my head: You got your revenge. If you ever wanted retribution, that is. I hate myself more than you could ever hate me.



  374.  #374Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    Also having a feeling of being “not as good as” TN’s gf. I suppose that is actually a Thought, not a feeling. “Not as good as” – physically, sexually, emotionally, spiritually – and that’s why she got what she wanted and I’m not getting what I want. Ick, so there Is some residual “not good enough” in me! The problem is, that thought is reinforced here by such things as “once we’ve healed enough stuff, cleared blocks, etc. we’ll get what we want.” Thus I see his gf as better than me bc she must’ve cleared en



  375.  #375kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    How insecure did I sound when I answered the phone in tears Christmas day because he called to wish me Merry Christmas at 1 or 2pm like some late straggler instead of 9am like everyone else. He said holidays don’t mean much to him and he didn’t mean to hurt me. I said, “Either you’re stupid or just insensitive. I know you’re extremely intelligent. So, conclusion is you’re insensitive. Every time you call, I’m doing Christmas related stuff. I even made Christmas related vids online. You just don’t care if something’s important to me.” Insecure indeed. I should’ve been appreciative he called at all, should’ve been appreciative of his timeline. Right?



  376.  #376Lisi on April 29, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    I had a date Wed with one of three or four guys currently interested. Have been asked out by the other for tomorrow, and the third wants to know when I’m available this week end.

    I’m not attracted to any of them. I can second-guess whether that’s my “stuff” — but none of them is objectively as good a “catch” as #4, whom I like, but who hasn’t yet asked.

    Here’s why:

    L — over ten years older than me (and, with a young daughter, I do have a boundary here), in school and trying to figure out what to do with his life, not divorced yet. Very bright, and, spiritually, we have a lot in common. I enjoyed my convo with him very much on our date. He’s seriously out of shape and overweight — which I don’t find attractive.

    D — my age, but also in school, and at a lower level than L. Physically attractive. He’s just not playing on my level intellectually or spiritually. Definitely not smart enough, and not deep enough for me to really bond with. I don’t respect him.

    A — very bright, interesting and politically motivated. Interesting to talk to. Chronically underemployed and I don’t have faith in him as a long-term partner in a financial sense. He tells me he’s afraid to ask me out, because I’m out of his league. I feel turned off when he talks like that. He brings out my masculine side, which I don’t like. I’m not physically attracted.

    M — he says he’s old and fat, but that’s compared with his marathon running younger self. We’re exactly the same age. He has had the same job ten years, and is upper middle class. Really smart, well-educated, and we’ve had a series of spiritual discussions. He might be a little too science-ey, and not enough spiritual-ey for me. I feel a little intimidated bringing up my beliefs with him, because I’m spiritual. Of course, he’s the one I WANT, but who hasn’t asked me out.

    I’d say M is objectively more attractive: better job, smart and spiritual, physically in shape and attractive. Of course, he has the opportunity to meet women all the time, and there would be more competition for him. I find that a bit intimidating.

    I’m sure that part of my attraction to M is because he’s the one not chasing.

    But, he also fits more of my list.

    I guess the point is — that he doesn’t make the cut until / unless he initiates.

    Unless that happens, I keep dating the other guys and meeting new people.

    ARRRRRGGGHHHHH! Why can’t this just be EASY?

    Lisi



  377.  #377kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    Lucy,

    I feel that way about Adam’s ex. Even though she left him. At least she had 3 years with him. How’d she crack the code to even get 3 years? I always felt insecure that she was more career accomplished than me, better educated than me.



  378.  #378Lisi on April 29, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Lucy & FP —

    I’ve been reading David D’Angelo, and he tells guys to tease us, rather than compliment us.

    A married friend recently started really teasing me and pouring on the sexual energy. When that happened, I realized how attractive it is. I totally wanted him.

    On the other hand, I’ve been out with a couple of guys recently who tell me how wonderful and fantastic I am, and how they’re blown away, etc… you know the drill.

    I, too, am bored. It’s flattering for a second, but doesn’t make me feel turned on later when I think of them.

    Teasing, on the other hand, with its full-on sexual charge? Oh, yeah. That turns me on.

    And makes me want to go back for more, too.

    Lisi



  379.  #379Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 12:52 pm

    enough. But how much is enough? Tinque, didn’t you say something about yourself being “a mess” (?) when you met K? How “good” do we have to get before we can have a good relationship anyway?



  380.  #380kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Meemee, awesome you got your money back with no drama.



  381.  #381Lisi on April 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Here’s why I think compliments don’t work:

    The man is approaching as a supplicant, one who is “less than.”

    Not attractive.

    One who teases implies he might (and might not) be interested = which is the approach of an equal.

    I want a man who can approach as an equal.

    I think that’s what they want, too — and that’s why we need to lean back.

    It communicates that we’re an equal, and not a supplicant, chasing after their favors.

    Lisi



  382.  #382Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    We have to believe that we’re “good enough already” yet if we are not good enough at believing this, then it seems we are actually Not good enough to have what we want.



  383.  #383Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #347 – How about one of the feeling messages like, “I am feeling tired of just internet contact. It would feel so nice to meet you in person! What do you think?”



  384.  #384kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    Lucy,

    I think Tinque means you being good enough for you. Not compared to someone else. And even if Tinque was a mess when she met K, maybe it didn’t diminish the attraction because she wasn’t so wrapped up in expectations and maybe she appreciated whatever and that made him come twds her more?



  385.  #385Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Kaitlyn,

    RE: #375 – Yikes! High maintenance!



  386.  #386Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    Compliments – I also get afraid that I won’t live up to them, and then what? What if I stop being as fun/smart/sassy/pretty/incredible?



  387.  #387Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Kaitlyn,

    Re: #373 – I feel sad to hear such harsh words toward yourself all the time. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Can you riff it out to get to the place where you genuinely give love and compassion to your weak parts?



  388.  #388Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    See, “cool girls” like gf don’t even think like that – they just have fun and don’t care if they live up to someone’s compliments.



  389.  #389Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Lucy,

    RE: #386 – A good man will love you because of who he is, not because of your performance. Wouldn’t it be so good to be loved just because you are? And accepted unconditionally?



  390.  #390Meemee on April 29, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    I am feeling super tired and drained.
    I feel as though I lost the last drop of energy from my mind and body.
    I am feeling thirsty and drinking lots of water but still feeling drained.
    May be this whole episode was so energy consuming.
    I was fighting. I didnt know it. Now that I accomplished it, and there is no more I fight to fight I am experiencing that near to death tiredness?
    May be.
    I should take some rest

    Love
    Meemee



  391.  #391Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    317:
    Meemee,

    HUGE and very loud whooping and cheering from my living room!

    Nicely done and I loved the chin up and nice smile to his friend.

    YAY!!

    ~Lil



  392.  #392kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Tried that, Brenda. It just makes me feel sadder or angrier. Doesn’t take back the very day he almost cried when I told him I was going to Paris. Doesn’t take back how he said I was being dishonest by deciding on Paris without getting his input first. Doesn’t take back that he’s gone. Doesn’t take back that he’s still living his life just fine and I’m the one no matter how much I focus on my career and being creative, I am stuck. Here. Feeling. All this.



  393.  #393Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Brenda, yes. I think maybe that’s why I’m having this crisis. At first his words felt So Good! He seems like a wonderful man, and it felt great to experience him being so thrilled with me. But now I think I’m afraid “what if he stops being thrilled with me when he really knows me?” So maybe that’s why I now feel “bored” with his compliments – maybe “bored” is a cover-up for “afraid.” What do you think I should do?



  394.  #394Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    311:

    It’s interesting how in tune you are with yourself and how you catch and pay attention to all that you are feeling. I’m learning to stop myself and think about how I am feeling about any given situation.

    For me, having a man come up to me organically, isn’t an issue at all. I spent many, many years slinging cocktails so I was “in front” of men alot. I guess that is actually a quite literal statement.. I got used to the attention and made a butt load of cash.

    hmmm, I should do that again. It was two tons of fun and I loved it.

    ~Lil



  395.  #395Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I feel overwhelmed by this convergence of several separate issues into one moment – hahahahahaha, it is like where the three rivers come together in Pittsburgh! Talk about synchronicity!



  396.  #396kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    My bff, a guy, says, “Nope Kaitlyn, Adam was the one who gripped on to you tight, claimed exclusivity quickly, liked you for a long time pre-hand and was always ‘you’re my girlfriend you’re my girlfriend.’ Guess what. You call your girlfriend on Christmas morning. Especially if you know she’s a bitter person and somewhere in the black metal and spikes, there’s a little girl who goes nuts for Christmas. And this is coming from me- a total a$$hole. But I’m man enough to know you just do certain little things when a girl matters to you. because girls are different than us.”



  397.  #397Queenbee on April 29, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    So tired…

    Going to bed early

    Feeling judgement

    This seems like such a bold statement to make

    “If you do this tapping sequence every day at least once you will change your beliefs about your ability to have the relationship you want”.

    Is it that easy?

    Doesn’t having the relationship I want have something to do with me making a CHOICE about it…

    I can tap all I want and STILL be resigned to having the relationship I want

    Or does that take care of it as well… the resignation I mean

    Feeling sarcastic

    Feeling sarcastic and judgemental

    I love my judgemental-ness and…

    UGH!! I love my ugh-y-ness

    Typed to HotAmazing man today… on my skype

    So I haven’t deleted him…

    i figured I might as well leave one door open

    Trying not to be inauthentic

    Yes, I say I WANT a relationship so I’ll leave this door open

    He tried to contact me all day yesterday to wish me Happy Birthday…

    I was conveniently busy

    It’s been difficult trying to feel anything… mostly just numb…

    Really wanting to get in touch with my anger

    Very difficult

    Just kept feeling more and more turned off when he would try to reach me…

    Then feeling bad, sad…

    No guilt around not answering

    Secretly feeling happy that he at least CARED

    I don’t know why I care

    I see his message to me, which I didn’t receive… he wanted to be the first to wish me

    I hate not receiving messages… like technology is not working right

    Then I HAVE to KNOW and FIX it!

    Yeah, I am a techie… or tech freak … lol! sounds funny to me… the words

    So I say I didn’t receive this till now… start of convo

    Keep going… gets to the point where he says “he feels sad and disappointed coz I did not let him talk to me on my bday”

    I don’t want to be blamed

    That feels bad to me

    I finally told him that I felt angry and it made me feel turned off

    I feel it…somewhat… sometimes… but I feel this droning numbness around what I feel…

    But I know I don’t feel good and I didn’t want to talk to him on my bday

    I didn’t want to pretend

    I didn’t want to do it for HIM

    I don’t want to glue a smile on

    All this blame… definitely coming from my growing up re. article…

    He’s in pain now…

    I can understand it and I don’t want to feel it… as in make it MY pain….

    I didn’t not talk to him to TRY to hurt him

    Just didn’t feel good to me

    I don’t want crumbs

    I don’t want to cover up my true feelings, FIX things with a man so that I can keep him

    I’m releasing my fears of a man walking away because I didn’t jump in to FIX things regardless of how I’m feeling

    i.e. controlling the outcome

    Not interested in that

    I’m at MY own pace

    Feeling my feelings.. healing my heart… let him come and go as he pleases

    He will come to stay… at some point… when he is ready… and I feel okay with that

    Maybe when I am ready… and I am… just being…

    It’s like he doesn’t GET how bad his actions offended me…

    But then he DOES

    I KNOW he does

    It’s all that getting into my world – blame – that “I” DIDN’T LET him talk to me… eek! that feels bad…

    Good way to avoid responsibility

    As much as I do understand his pain

    But I don’t want to get stuck in HIS pain

    I’m still working on me… trying to feel my feelings around this…

    Not giving in to NVs

    Releasing my fears…

    I KNOW I don’t want this bad treatment…

    There isn’t anything more to talk about… unless he can tell me the REAL reason as in how it connects to me?

    Otherwise, I still feel troubled by this

    I feel ashamed saying that in five months of dating I’ve NEVER been on a weekend night date with him

    Ok, there’s been Sunday once

    And the weekend we were at the Coast… so by default

    Mum notices too… not even a Friday night

    I love weekend dates…

    I feel silly comparing week dates and weekend dates

    But I know what I want… how it feels to be sitting at home on a weekend

    Albeit, I can always find something to do… but that is NOT the point

    I want to be out, feeling loved, enjoying being with my man when all the other ladies are doing the same…

    Just has me feeling cared for

    So anyway… feeling like loser…

    I love my loser-ness

    I don’t want to resist this right now… I just want to feel it

    Knowing deep down inside that I’m NOT a loser and no wonder it then feels so bad… it’s the contrast that makes it feel bad..

    Rusty, I get your point about talk it out… I don’t want to “FIX” it before I can FEEL my feelings… feel good about my boundaries and state that I don’t want to be blamed

    Which I did not actually say today

    Just understanding HIM… but who’s understanding ME??

    Just sayin’

    xooxoxox



  398.  #398Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    379:

    This is a really very good question, Lucy and something I have pondered myself.

    ~Lil



  399.  #399Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    kaitlyn have you set an intention to feel better? I am sure Tinque set an intention for herself, committed herself to living the life she wants and honored that intention. Remember our thoughts and beliefs feed our feelings. Our bodies, mind and soul are all connected.



  400.  #400kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Tried the tapping and broke a nail. Awesome.



  401.  #401Queenbee on April 29, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    Btw- Lurker, thank you for your lovely post to me with your kind bday wishes! It felt really genuine.

    Please – no comparison to my lovely Sirens – I indeed felt your love. Thank you!

    Goodnight all!

    xoxoxo



  402.  #402Queenbee on April 29, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    #397 – Apologies, I meant: “I can tap all I want and STILL be resigned to NOT having the relationship I want

    xoxo



  403.  #403kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    399 My life and intention to feel better is dependent upon getting my career straight. Lord knows when I can make that happen.



  404.  #404Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Kaitlyn,

    RE: #392 – I understand it’s a tuff place to be. Does hating yourself take it all back?



  405.  #405Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Kaitlyn,

    RE: #396 – I don’t mean to add insult on injury, but the difference of a few hours when he calls on Christmas, in the afternoon instead of the morning, seems really petty. It’s not like you had an appointment for a phone call. It’s not like he can read your mind.



  406.  #406kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Brenda,

    Yes, 1 or 2pm my time PST = 4 or 5pm his time EST. Hence, I was REALLY put off to last minute. Fantastic.



  407.  #407Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    Lisi, I hear ya about the teasing!!! TN man was an absolute pro at teasing… and then occasionally he would throw out a whole string of sincere compliments – surprising me – and then back to the teasing. Ah, I miss that!



  408.  #408Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Queenbee do you realize that it is it will change the “belief”? What I understand is that just wondering about something kind of rewire the neural pathways of the brain that so it looks for ways to create it. It has something also to do with the unconscious mind. I have found myself really wondering if I can do those things and am literally feeling in my heart that I can.



  409.  #409kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Lucy, my bff does that. He drives women to swoonville.



  410.  #410Simply Shannon on April 29, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Lucy, I’ve uncovered a pattern of choosing men who were either unavailable and/or “beneath me” so that I could either be rejected or reject first.

    From my Calling In The One class, basically whatever is showing up in my life, *I* am choosing.

    And yes, for me, it’s fear of having a good man. Fear that he will reject me somehow once he realizes how unworthy, uninteresting, whatever I am.



  411.  #411Femininepower on April 29, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Now I am remembering the story of the “little engine that could”. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can……………



  412.  #412tinque on April 29, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Laughing Goddess – “I feel confused by your advice. ”

    It may be individual; I would imagine so. It has been my experience though that most men, not all certainly, really don’t want to hear about your process.

    This isn’t to say it’s not a good idea to let him know you are doing so so that he doesn’t take it personally.

    Your deep inner processing very often doesn’t have words. It’s so deep and so internal that to even try to voice it would be difficult.

    When I was in deep process, my experience with K was typical of most men. He’s sensitive in that he knew I was going through something. He’s not sensitive in that he doesn’t take it personally. He felt badly that I felt bad, but he didn’t even tell me so until much later.

    He prefers to leave people alone to be as they need to be. If there is something to share, they will come and share or not. He never presses.

    BUT I tried to share details once, and that was the last time. Very quickly his eyes glazed over. It’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just not something he really wants to hear about. It’s MY stuff, and my stuff needs to be processed by me inside me.

    From then on I did share with close friends when I felt the need. With K, I just told him I’m having a tough time, and a hug would feel really good please.

    It’s a good thing to keep something of a mysteriousness with your man. Like the transformation from deep inner work.

    Does this help?

    xxoo



  413.  #413kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    “Kaitlyn,

    RE: #396 – I don’t mean to add insult on injury, but the difference of a few hours when he calls on Christmas, in the afternoon instead of the morning, seems really petty. It’s not like you had an appointment for a phone call. It’s not like he can read your mind.”

    Brenda,

    I’m not expecting clairvoyance, but part of a relationship is being observant to the little things that makes your partner’s eyes light up. But maybe I’m still being high maintence/too many expectations. Not being passive aggessive here. Just truly wondering.



  414.  #414Simply Shannon on April 29, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Kaitlyn, it feels good to read your stories about Adam at Christmas. I much prefer you beating him up versus you beating yourself up.

    I am also a Christmas fanatic. I would NOT feel happy with any man who did not share my enthusiasm for Christmas. It just wouldn’t work for me. He doesn’t have to like everything I like, but Christmas… yep, he’s gotta like Christmas, as in over the top, Clark Griswold style Christmas. 😀



  415.  #415kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    SS,

    I don’t care if Adam isn’t into Christmas. He wasn’t raised with Christmas anyway. He’s Jewish and so is my best friend. Both raised very Jewish and from similar background. But you know what? My best friend knows it matters to ME to get a call 9am when I wake up. he knows it’s a big deal to ME. Or maybe I’m being high maintenence. screw spelling. maybe adam and his snotty c*nt education can come on here and correct me.



  416.  #416tinque on April 29, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    ““Receive and appreciate what he is giving you; ”

    Yep this is true. I didn’t realize LD that ou don’t like texting, and if your pattern is not to answer and wait for him to call, then keep to your pattern.

    And then tell him that it feels good hearing from (if it does), but you’ve become involved with someone exclusively.

    It’s not that you owe him an explanation, but he will keep calling if you don’t.

    If you want to see him casually, say so. If not then you’re done.

    xxoo



  417.  #417The Lurker on April 29, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    #381 Lisi, great points! Indeed, I made the experience, too, that teasing trumps compliments big time. More fun and energy in this.

    #396 #403 Kaitlyn, really, alternarting between blaming yourself and pointing fingers at Adamn doesn’t lead you anywhere! You both made mistakes and hurt each other. But that’s yesterday’s stuff, you can’t change that anyway. Pls look ahead now, and move on in a different direction! More of the same can’t be the solution, but establishing a new carreer brings the chance to present you in a new light. Even if it’s hard, that’s the way to go, imho.

    #401 Aww, Queeny! 🙂



  418.  #418Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    381 Lisi. I think your theory has merit. However, with this particular “complimenting man” I feel a distinct vibe of equality btwn us, none of that familiar supplicant feeling. He seems to have a lot of women interested in him, even chasing him a bit, and I get more of a vibe that I feel refreshing to him in contrast. Also, sometimes with men who tease (TN?), I get a vibe of the teasee (me) being in the less-than position. (Possibly bc excellent teasers are often also somewhat narcissistic.)



  419.  #419tinque on April 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    “I admire Tinque and feel like if I was more like her”

    Thank you kaitlyn, but know I wasn’t always like this. I learned, and I’m really glad I did, for I can now notice and appreciate more of what is given, and surprisingly to me, I get more of what used to be my expectations.

    This takes time and some patience, but you can change this if you want. One gesture at a time, one gift of love at a time.

    xxoo



  420.  #420kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    417, been trying to establish a new career for a while, but this career is all i know and everything else is boring to me.



  421.  #421tinque on April 29, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    “How “good” do we have to get before we can have a good relationship anyway?”

    Actually you’re perfect just as you are right now. It’s not that there isn’t more room to grow and and space to clear to blossom even bigger.

    Maybe it’s a matter of finding someone on the same or similar path as you, one is growing and going in the same direction.

    xxoo



  422.  #422Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Brenda 383. I like your suggestion. I feel afraid it would be too leaning-forward though bc we are not on a dating site so there is no assumption that he is seeking to actually meet/date.



  423.  #423The Lurker on April 29, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    #417 How about that fashion consulting idea? Did you see my longer comment where I pointed out the potential in this? That would bore you, too?

    And, excuse me pls, but when you say career, you mean the escort business? Isn’t it a bit difficult to combine that with a bf?



  424.  #424kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    419, yes, i’ve felt it work on bringing friends closer to me. but it’s just not the same as what i really want. what i really stupidly screwed up because i was angry i didn’t feel valued. see, you;re more evolved than me. you wouldn’t have seen it as selfish that he wasn’t making much of an effort to get your jacket back. thats how it seemed to me. all because he didn’t want to talk to his ex-rmate anymore. granted, the ex-rmate isn’t someone you’d want in your life either, but dude, stand up for your girl and do what you said you’re going to do 4 weeks ago.

    not trying to be mean here. just trying to figure out where the line is in my situation. what’s ‘hey, you’re having too many expectations due to your own insecurities’ vs ‘standing up for yourself; dude’s actions aren’t matching his words. yet he dedicated a book to you and calls you a zillion times a day.’



  425.  #425Simply Shannon on April 29, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    Kaitlyn, Put bluntly… I think that’s hogwash. It sounds nice and all to think a man should be enthusiastic about something I like just for my sake, because I think it’s important.

    But I say why not cut out the middle man and pick men who are into the things I like? Much much easier. Obviously we won’t have all of the same likes (hmm, is that true?) but for the big stuff… why not just like a man who likes what I like?

    I guess what I’m saying is that when I envision my best life I’m picturing a loud happy Christmas with family and friends and white lights, etc. with my honey right there in the middle of it all.

    What’s really hilarious is I just realized I did pick a man who didn’t like Christmas all that much! Ha. My ex husband.

    I’m noticing a trend here. LOL!



  426.  #426kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    423, no. not escorting. i do photography in a very specific genre that’s hard to break out of.



  427.  #427Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    Lucy,

    Re: #422 – If it were me, I would lean way back and stop interacting hardly at all on that site. Then let him come looking for me. And say I am trying to focus more on meeting people in person. I feel so lonely! I don’t want virtual friendships.

    That would give him the hint without being too forward.



  428.  #428Simply Shannon on April 29, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Kaitlyn, you are no more high maintenance than anyone else on this blog.

    You choose to go to Paris for a VALID reason. I don’t see it as insecurity that you went at all. I see it as you saying no to what you don’t want and doing what you needed to do to take care of you.



  429.  #429Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 2:23 pm

    Kaitlyn,

    About the Christmas issue, I found that sensitivities like that sometimes develop over time. Being from a Jewish background, it’s totally understandable that he isn’t into the magical atmosphere of Christmas.

    With Kenny, I used to do little things to surprise him on holidays and birthdays. He used to ruin it almost every time, and one time he growled, “I don’t like surprises! If you want to do something for me, tell me ahead of time.” It turns out he has wounding where things happened unexpectedly that he thought were a joke and they were horrible realities.

    So we became more sensitive to each other, after I broke out crying in the visiting room a few times. Now I don’t surprise him, unless it’s something simple like sending 5 cards in the mail all at once, and he works on keeping special days happy, not grouchy.



  430.  #430kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    SS,

    He doesn’t hate Christmas. It doesn’t even matter if he’s not giddy over it like I am. We had way more, way deeper interests than that.



  431.  #431Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Lurker,

    What country do you live in? You said you were a well-known grey-haired man. But there are millions of them! Are you single?



  432.  #432The Lurker on April 29, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    #426 Ah, ok. Sry for getting this wrong, Kaitlyn! Well, I’m out of ideas. I can only once more say, dragging yourself down doesn’t help you, either. And there ain’t no magical trick that will bring you both together tomorrow. It will take time. But there is a chance, the FB response recently showed he doesn’t ignore you. Imho you should distract yourself from the negative thoughts by focussing on stuff you like now, to be in a more relaxed mood when he eventually shows up again. Take care!



  433.  #433Jacqueline on April 29, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I feel battered and used by someone who left after congratulating themselves on their increased blog traffic. I feel smirky superior that I have no agenda, can pay for my blog regardless of traffic, have no need to preach and can just be here to help by listening. And surprised that Athol Kaye wrote a book and my interview with him has led my searches and tripled or more my blog traffic. Athol is an unusual but amazing guy….and I present a different side of him, which is very cool and feels revolutionary!

    I also learned that an agenda is a good thing to have and a good way to be to have a “product” and an image on the web. And that if you have the product and the image, you don’t necessarily feel real to me. You feel edited, constrained and one note. And that a lot of people who post “edit” themselves, which feels sad to me. If I can’t be really real here – then where? I’m not a Velveteen Rabit, nor am I even attempting to be perfect. I don’t edit myself, and I’m glad.

    I want to laugh and say to the character assessor – you don’t know me and I didn’t ask for your advice so no thanks and btw you’re way off base. But you made an interesting point in “lighten up….”

    Lighten up – in the face of the real life hurt going on here, in the face of life changing descisions? Feel ewwwww/bad I come here for real life emotions, triumphant and painful and all others – to be the witness, the observer, the cheerleader the wow, happy happy ending (Meemee – I am awestruck! from the girl you seemed to be)….person.

    I find it insensitive to make light and playful banter when someone like PG is in real soul searching pain, and I don’t even want to. And to make sexual playful banter feels inhibiting to me. And I wonder if it corrolates with an absence of many sirens the last two days. The one’s who most need help, the one’s who seem to be least likely to bring up boundary violations, feelings about the changed environment.

    I feel like Daria’s words to SweetM were just pure gold. First time I ever copied and saved words. Thank you Daria – “if I don’t get it here I look for my own signs” I lately realize just how brilliant you are.

    And I feel your pain with the family dynamics and I vote for healing to occur from a shift within that doesn’t require a change on the outside. And I feel scared too. I think this affected me deeply – I dreamed about my mother passing at least 4 times last night. It was hugely traumatic for my entire family when my mother simply vanished from home one Fri. nite when I was 22…and I called and my Daddy said your mother’s gone…and I thought he meant to the store…and then he says and she took the furniture. And she didn’t communicate with anyone for 3 weeks and after that only me and I had to be the go between (as I did all my life I guess…)

    So, I was moved. And perhaps can further heal this.

    Which is the most fabulous thing about this blog – the healing. None of the rest of it – for me – matters. The soup, the presents it brings, the unconcious consideration, presentation and absorption of so many differing viewpoints – it’s all invaluable.

    Thank you thank you thank you –

    and awww, Mali, you’re too cute. Thank you. It feels good to detach too tho – just changing as the Seasons do, as all things will – and I’m happy. Thank you all!



  434.  #434kaitlyn on April 29, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Brenda,

    “Being from a Jewish background, ”

    It’s just jewish. Not some exotic species unfamiliar with american culture.



  435.  #435The Lurker on April 29, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    #431 Brenda, darling, I didn’t say “well known”. Only folks who frequent the same blogs and online sites may know me from the comment threads, and only my other pseudonym. But, indeed, I’m single right now, I’m not hiding from a wife in the intertubes! And what country? Don’t be so curious, pls. Let’s say, somewhere beyond the sea!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldrxR9X-a3o

    Hehe, that video is very fitting for a sailor!
    🙂



  436.  #436islandgirl on April 29, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Meemee, I am so happy for you! 🙂



  437.  #437Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    421 Tinque. Thanks. Part of what’s interesting about this man is that he is definitely on a very similar growth-path. The great thing is, I feel like we are equals in that area – can truly learn from each other. So… if that’s the case then we should be “good enough” for each other, right?



  438.  #438Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    427 Brenda. I like that idea! What should I do about his private msgs though?



  439.  #439Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Lurker,

    Re: #435 – You are Johny Depp, and you live in France!



  440.  #440Lilybelle on April 29, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    435:

    A man of mystery…I like it.

    I shall change your name to “mysterious one.”

    😉

    ~Lil



  441.  #441Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    Lucy,

    Maybe just answer them briefly, and maybe throw in hints left and right that you are concerned about how much time you are spending online and want to get out more and be around live people, that it isn’t healthy to be home all the time staring at a screen. If they are brief, then it will be next to leaning back. Just be scarce maybe. He’s had enough time to get to know you online. You could also talk about how much you enjoy traveling and daytrips.



  442.  #442Brenda on April 29, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    Lurker,

    Do you like women who are extra-buttery?



  443.  #443Queenbee on April 29, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    Stay in my body and feel my feelings

    That’s my new mantra for me right now

    I feel ANGRY

    How dare he judge me for not talking to him on my bday

    I feel flattered that he sees it as SO important

    The lines feel crossed

    It feels good to have a man care about my bday so much – I’ve always wanted this… ex-bf was a nightmare

    I feel triggered…

    Going to bed.

    xoxo



  444.  #444The Lurker on April 29, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    #439 😀
    Oh, Brenda…



  445.  #445Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    Jacqueline – truly the environment is continually changing here, feels like the seashore with its tidepools and all. Re: the “sexual banter” – last week I felt judgmental about that here and wasn’t personally involved… but then this week I was actually dealing with some serious sexual issues on here re: my ex and TN and myself, and some of the working-through-it-on-here turned playful and fun – and ended up being Healing for me! I felt surprised that the very thing I had judged was now helping me heal.



  446.  #446Lucy on April 29, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    But I also hear, Jacqueline, that you are feeling “bad” about some of these things on the blog… and I empathize with that feeling (at other times)… and … would a hug help at all? (((Jacqueline))) I feel suddenly teary. We have such conflicts, but I do care about you and love you. <3



  447.  #447The Lurker on April 29, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    #442 Brenda, sorry, I’m a rather skinny guy…
    But I have to say, girls who are braless under a sweatshirt turn me on!
    🙂



  448.  #448Turquoise3 on April 29, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    There is a new post up.



  449.  #449Jacqueline on April 29, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Me too, Lucy! Somehow your happiness matters to me – it’s odd, but a very cool feeling. And I’m not feeling bad – maybe a little snake bittenish? But really I’m feeling a sign to take a step away from the involvment and focus on my own personal signs…and growth….and thoughts. So, it’s good. And I love the seashore analogy – thank you for understanding and for your words. I love you and your warmth and your heart, in a kind of unconditional way. That feels good. Thank you…especially for the hug.

    and I’m off to accomplish real life goals…

    and that feels really rocking!

    xoxo



  450.  #450Jacqueline on April 29, 2011 at 3:36 pm

    Hi, Queen…belated Happy Birthday!!! Candles and frosting and all the good things in life too!



  451.  #451Rosa on April 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Meemee…the last word is an action?
    Yep ..and I did it re G and you did it with X

    and thats how we know its OVER



  452.  #452Jacqueline on April 29, 2011 at 3:41 pm

    ooops had to log back in to clarify I’m not calling anyone or thing a snake, using a verbal picture and an analogy to describe my feeling(s)….

    I’m a visual person, I think in pictures a lot – esp. if thinking quickly. I love it – makes for amazingly vivid dreams..

    thanks



  453.  #453LD on April 29, 2011 at 5:12 pm

    Tinque,

    Thanks for the advice on ministerCD. The truth is, I’d like to keep him in my life as a friend, I just no longer wish to or am in a position to date him. He is a counselor and we share alot of the same viewpoints and values, and even though he has never offered me what I want dating wise, I still respect his opinions and viewpoints. I guess I can tell him it would feel good to have him in my life as a friend and see what he says.



  454.  #454Daria on April 29, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Yay I found another place that has free wifi till 12.



  455.  #455Jim on April 29, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    261: Lily T.

    Thought about that again…

    “How long have you and GF been friends? Once a woman puts a man in the “friend zone” there he is likely to remain. But there is no definitive answer there either- possibly she thinks YOU are only interested in her as a friend because you have as yet declined to wine and dine her? Show her you would like to be more than friends?”
    No. I haven’t declined to wine and dine. I have and continue to show her I want more than friends. Actually, I know she cares about me very much, she’s a sensitive, mature woman. Who’s last divorce really f*cked her up for a long time. The guy didn’t work the 7 years they were married and then sued her for 150K in the divorce. That’s what I have to deal with, the shit head’s damage in front of me.
    Not to mention, what I went through and took a long time to get over myself. So there, we are in some what the same place, continuing to heal. Also I think, all the while needing to love and be loved.

    I understand your desire to have a more “mutual” relationship and not have to “do everything”- that kind of partnership holds some appeal to me- but I have the impression you want to skip over courtship to get there and I think that’s a mistake. Women WANT to be courted. And if you really don’t want to put in the effort for that endeavor, perhaps you are more comfortable in the “friend zone” than you realize.

    Are you kidding, no way do I want to “skip over the courtship.” I want to court her for the rest of my life!! 🙂
    There is nothing comfortable about being in the, “friend zone.”

    Thank you for the comments, given what I’ve written or the way I’ve written, you may not see how much I really do appreciate what you said.
    Jim



  456.  #456Jim on April 29, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    295: Elizabeth
    “That version of her doing that song live is really incredible, i must say! 
Well, if you really want something else other than friends, don’t just sit there – Do something! If you like the status quo, don’t do anything. Maybe you would like an FWB arrangement. Maybe she would too, you never know. It makes sense to find out what people want and what they don’t want in relationship, up front.”
    Trust me, I don’t just sit there and I do a lot. Also I intend to do much more, as a matter of fact, as much as I can, as much as she’ll let me.
    This is love, FWB is for kids,
    Though you make a good point, I will ask her what she wants and doesn’t want in a relationship.

    “I was told that he wants to be out there just meeting new people. I applaud him for that. I detect the controlling type of energy in him, expecting me to behave and respond a certain way.”
    Ya know I hate that. If your “detecting” is correct, I’m sorry. F*cking a*s wipe men are so weak sometimes, all they do is put women on the defense, bring up walls and on and on and on with the crap.
    See my theory, herein lay the truth, and I have been this way my whole life… I’m 50+, have had a few relationships… One thing I always liked and that stands out even now. When they were themselves, just themselves, they were the most beautiful, easy and wonderful to love. It was when they thought they were my employer or my boss that they “repelled” me.
    Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being told and even told off. What I do mind is when they behave in such a way as to think they know better without regard for me and with apparent control issues. Guys do it too.

    “Not sure, Jim, but I would think that unless there is a mutual agreement of some type between two people to “go steady” then it’s open season, and your unwillingness to compete may be something for you to look at. Otherwise you are getting into making assumptions territory.”
    Let me put it this way- if I have to compete it’s not worth having. And she is really worth having. You’ve heard the old saying, “What gets them is generally what keeps them.” I’m not going to compete for the rest of my life for something I love. Thats a fast track to failure, I am getting older. Don’t believe in dog eat dog nor survival of the fittest. All that is all predatory behavior, if I win her through competition, then I can surely loose her by the comparing game down the road. Someone is always stronger, bigger, richer, smarter etc… I want this one with all her misgivings, I accept that.

    “Gee, I feel like an anchorwoman!”
    How does that feel, to feel like an anchorwoman???
    Thanks,
    Jim



  457.  #457Jim on April 29, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    297: SummerBaby
    I like your story and well put too.
    If it comes to that, then it comes to that.
    Meanwhile, there is no next in my options… I will cross that bridge if I have to.
    And yes, In this case, I have all my eggs in one basket and I’m watching that basket, tending to it, doing everything I can that she will let me.
    I understand there are no guarantees in life, with of course, exception to me, my love and my word.
    I have my dreams with my eyes wide open. I’m no stranger to work. As a matter of fact, I can’t express to you how much I enjoy this work, though it is frustrating at times also. Jimmy wants his candy and he wants it right now… 🙂 That candy is his sweetheart, so to speak.
    Summerbaby, I don’t know you or much about you. It’s all good!
    As you can see, I’m not in a far off place, not unlike a lot of the women herein this blog. I suppose in the end, all we are asking is, If we love someone and they know they love us, then show it, express it and always be there, always want to be there. always show that we are there for the other. Anything else is just petty politics.
    Thanks for commenting,
    Jim



  458.  #458Nikita on April 29, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    I found a place!!!!! Yay!!!! No more snoring man!!! No more tv on late at night playing shoot outs!!! Yay!!!!
    AND NOW I CAN DATE!!!!!!
    Yayyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so excited and eager and in two weeks I could be in my own little bed with NO tv :)))) and LOTS of eligible bachelors 🙂
    AND I have EVERY intention to date snoring man anyway 🙂
    yup. I’m supposed to be sleeping bcuz I have work tomoro but SNORING man ……sigh 🙁
    -I miss mr wonderful …..mr wonderful sleeps quietly and snuggles me with his body heat all night.
    Mr snoring man sleeps LoUdLy and I feel cold in bed even with blankets…..sigh…. Oh mr wonderful….what wonderful slumber parties we have….



  459.  #459Lily T. on April 30, 2011 at 4:16 am

    @Jim

    So what exactly is the problem here? You’ve shown her you want to be more than friends. You’ve told her as well. And she’s keeping you in the “friend zone” because she’s still recovering from her previous unsatisfying relationship? How long has she been recovering?



  460.  #460Mercedes on April 30, 2011 at 6:15 am

    “I feel battered and used by someone who left after congratulating themselves on their increased blog traffic. I feel smirky superior that I have no agenda, can pay for my blog regardless of traffic, have no need to preach and can just be here to help by listening.”

    No worries…I didn’t leave. Just had to work, had a day of travel and had a love come home from his travels. 🙂 But it’s all good. Blog still free and I’m still very, very grateful for those who wanted to read there and hear all that preaching of mine.



  461.  #461Mercedes on April 30, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Nikita!!!! YAY!!!!! I’m very, very happy for you!!!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  462.  #462Jim on April 30, 2011 at 9:25 am

    459 lily T.

    Long time, not so’s you notice outwardly.

    I wouldn’t say I’m in the friend zone, though I would say we are friends.

    She’s 60, I’m 53, at our age, we don’t take things for granted. She will come around if and when she wants to. Can you blame her for being cautious, reluctant and somewhat scared. To some degree, I’m there too.

    As for, “What is the problem?” Everybody counts and thats what matters.

    Thanks,
    Jim



  463.  #463Jacqueline on April 30, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    The bite quit itching! yeah…and good for you Mercedes. I know there are people you will reach and you have a definite message – and to those people your words will be golden. There’s plenty of space here and there and everywhere. Peace out!



  464.  #464Rori on May 3, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    Yayy Nikita!



  465.  #465Mariposa on May 5, 2011 at 7:43 am

    PG and Lilybelle-
    I am an excellent amateur photographer in TX, so if y’all wanna get some great pix, I’d be happy to take em- and we could look for some hot fellas to stand around and flirt so we all feel extra sireny!

    My best pix came from nights out with my ex, where I was smiling all flirty at him while he took a pic as we were out and about- got me LOTS of responses online!!!!
    So maybe cocktails and flirting are key to great photos?
    LOL- must be why I liked modeling?!?



  466.  #466Mariposa on May 5, 2011 at 8:24 am

    # 396 kaitlyn,
    Your bff is right, IMO. You didn’t react well to the late xmas call, definitely, and there’s something you can learn there, I think- perhaps now, with new communication tools- FM would go a little like this:
    “I feel happy you called me to wish a happy xmas, but I also feel really hurt and let down with disappointment that you waited till so late to call me, even though I thought I’d let you know how much holidays mean to me.” And then wait, quiet, so he can respond.
    But a man who really loves a woman and is crazy about her makes extra effort to show her- I wouldn’t have believed it could be true til it started to happen for me- once I decided not to settle for anything less.

    My bff told me about how her Grandpa had to cross 2 mountains on foot in West Virginia to court her Grandma over several months. They finally married, and have had the cutest, most loving lifelong marriage and are still so close and loving… and it made me realize I never had any man I could believe would do that for me- so I started asking myself about the men who wanted exclusivity with me- “Would he walk across 2 mountains for me?” I want a man who loves me this much.
    Iowa actually said he would swim the ocean to see me, and I know he meant it, cuz when I first moved to my new apt, I had no water or electricity the first night, I live an hour away from him, and yet he was willing to drive an hour to stay over without the creature comforts, and get up super early to go home and shower and go to work…. That feels like a mountain, to me! And he offered to do that- WANTED to see me so much, he HAD to come and took me out to eat and care for me….

    Seems your ex wasn’t willing to even pick up his gift from you, no wonder u were hurt!!!! Is that the kind of relationship u want? where ur feelings don’t matter to him? Seems like thru his actions the ex was showing you what u could expect if you married him. I married a man like that, thinking he would be more caring and observant as we continued to grow together, but just the opposite happened, and I spent many years making excuses for his thoughtless and hurtful behavior. I am so glad I divorced him, as it ate my soul away, but better you can save yourself from such a fate!

    Hon, u deserve a man who honors your value and values- it’s important- even if the holiday (or whatever your value is) isn’t important to him, it matters that he honors YOU- and that means respecting what’s important to you. Please don’t make excuses for him, Rori talks about how that’s a part of overfunctioning, and I feel diminished when I make excuses for a man- he is as strong and smart and powerful enough to solve a small little thing like being busy, or whatever- he can *hero* thru it and make an effort-
    like maybe he could have sent flowers to arrive on xmas am…. or a little text…. an e-card… these all take no more time that getting a cuppa joe or going potty, which I bet he found time for!

    As Mercedes said once, it feels really amazing to have a man honor us in these important little ways- (little to them maybe, but big to us) and once you’ve experienced that, and know what it feels like, it’s nearly impossible to settle for such callous crap again.

    So maybe now you can set in your mind an image of the kind of relationship you REALLY want, rather than settle for a great, hot guy who only wants a relationship when it’s convenient for him? It seems to me that your ex was happy to have plenty of expectations for you to meet, but



  467.  #467Mariposa on May 5, 2011 at 8:29 am

    was unwilling to step up to meet yours on something that was clearly important to you.

    I want so much for you to feel that you deserve to be loved enough that he will cross 2 mountains on foot for u, and angry that this man hurt you so much you may question your value and right to be treated with that kind of honor, love and compassion.

    as PG says,
    angels on your body
    -and blessings to ur heart



  468.  #468Graceful Love on May 16, 2011 at 11:46 am

    Femininewoman, he is not dating anybody but sometimes I feel he is in his place with someone or meeting someone. I don’t know if it is my insecurity or if it’s my intuition. He is 3 hours away and i can’t keep checking up on him. So i will never know.



  469.  #469Priscilla on May 19, 2011 at 12:10 am

    Dear Rori,

    I have been in a loving relationship for a year now. One day while talking he mentioned his ex girlfriend. A married woman he had an affair with and feels that that relationship was loving and that he will always love her. He had mentioned her before but this night he said to me that if he was dying of all the women he has been with he would see her face. I got angry and said “you wouldn’t see my face” he immediately said oh yes I’d see your face to”. I shared with him that I felt that I was an afterthrought and I didn’t believe him. Ever since that night I keep seeing her face, in fact we were sitting outside a restaurant and she drove past. I told him how that made me feel hurt and angry and that I now have her face in my head. He apologized. It didn’t go away, the last couple of days I got really depressed and kept seeing her face. I told him I needed some space and that maybe he wasn’t over her. He said he didn’t want to be with her he wanted to be with me. She never bothered me before but for some reason I keep seeing her face in my head. I know he loves me and has since really shared his commitment and support for me. What work do I need to do for me, I have been extremely hurt in the past, not feel lovable, been cheated and lied to the list goes on. I don’t want my limiting beliefs to run my life. We have been doing great but I feel this is stopping me. Whether he wants her or not isn’t my concern, I am my concern. Really loving myself and why is what a man says about another woman who he is no longer with bothering me. What do I need to heal so that I can radiate the love for myself. I have your e-book and I’ve done some EFT. I would like some personal advice.



  470.  #470Rita on February 5, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    I am going to try the tapping, but it seems wrong to be saying those negative things about myself. Can I skip those and just say the positive ones?
    I dont want to be putting all that stuff back into my life by saying it.
    I noticed no comments were posted, has anyone else tried this technique?
    I feel interested yet guarded.