Elizabeth Gilbert On Expansion

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elizabeth gilbertFrom Elizabeth Gilbert, author of “Eat, Pray, Love,” “Committed,” “The Signature Of All Things,”  “Big Magic” and so many other articles, stories and books:

“Generally speaking I feel like I want to encourage people to have the most expanded version of their life they can possibly have in every way — spiritually, creatively and geographically. That’s the bell I keep ringing: to live a bigger and broader life. The smaller your world gets, the smaller your mind gets, and the more your fear grows and the worse your decisions get.”

From Rori:

IMG_0913This is gnawing at my body and heart, and has been for a long time, now…: The simultaneous desires for adventure and safety, for variety and familiarity, for here and there, for the weird and challenging and the comfortable and easy…

It goes on and on.

The questions about “What do I really want?”

Questions about duty and obligation. About desire and happiness. About then and now.

And – I’ve discovered that the best thing at those moments is to notice my head spinning its wheels (in its lovely, homey way), and sit down.

(When I say “sit down,” I don’t mean always, literally sit down – sometimes I’m in the supermarket – yet, that’s what I like best. Sit right there on the kitchen floor. Sit down on the living room carpet next to Zeke the Enchanted Dog.)

I sit, and  I hear the tip-tapping of the appliances. I sit and I hear Zeke’s breathing.

I sit and listen to the ringing, like china plates smashing around, in my ears.

I hear my thoughts, and then they fall down into my stomach where I hear them digesting.

I hear the sound of my muscles sigh when I let my shoulders and eyes soften.

And that’s when everything gets bigger.

It’s weird how I feel smaller as I think, and bigger as I don’t think.

How the feeling of peacefulness that sifts over me, like a star dusting itself off on me, and then falls into my body like it belongs in some deep place there, suddenly feels huge. Big like empty, luscious space.

I can feel the question of “What do I want?” being asked from someplace almost out of myself…

And the answer, from inside, now is…”Nothing other than this…”

Yes, I want “stuff.” I want love, affection, attention, sex, fun, food, sleep, conversation, entertainment, health and strength, shiny newness. And I want to paint, to write, to dance, to walk, express myself.

AND – I’m aware that it feels different from here, on the floor. I feel it low in my body. It feels like…like it’s all inside.

When I get up and go back to washing the dish or halving the zucchini or writing this, it shifts again, yet the “thinking” thing isn’t as powerful a draw.

The questions aren’t as fluent and pounding demanding.

Now – I can feel the urge to “want” more an urge to “create.” Not to “make” so much as just let some of that “inner space” out.

Can traveling, or hiking, or food shopping, or writing, or dating, or going to any public place…feel like this?

I say yes.

The floor sometimes feels like a long way from making a speech in another city, or just “getting out.”

Yet, it’s from the floor that I can feel the bigger picture. I can feel the expansion, the bigger world Elizabeth Gilbert is talking about. I can begin to imagine what that might “look” like for me.

How do you see your life expanding? Your world getting bigger? How does your day-to-day experience shift when you have “bigger” experiences? How do you make decisions and plans that create these bigger experiences?

Love, Rori

87 Comments

  1.  #1IamHis on June 1, 2016 at 5:54 am

    If *she* doesn’t feel safe expressing who *she* is, *she* can’t really feel safe to be *herself* around you, and that prevents *her* from truly connecting with you.

    This feels like what I need to focus on. My own feelings of safety and connection…



  2.  #2IamHis on June 1, 2016 at 6:00 am

    I feel so detached from this post. I don’t get it. It doesn’t feel solid or concrete, and that’s what I need and want right now.

    Logic and substance and tangible anger.

    NOT hiding. I am so angry, an explosion. I want my insides out all over everyone. My red messy guts that scream my undeniable existence out there.

    Guess I’m feeling really unheard. WAKE UP!!!!



  3.  #3IamHis on June 1, 2016 at 6:04 am

    I don’t want to give my anger or energy to someone who doesn’t deserve it.

    Who is really deserving of it? She wonders.

    I feel so much better, regardless.

    Woooo!



  4.  #4Liquid Light on June 1, 2016 at 11:07 am

    “When you become a magnet of love, you attract love.”

    That’s from The Secret.

    I really love this. It hit me right between the eyes today…bam! Of course!

    It hit me how I get back what I project around men. If feel myself shutdown around men, withdraw, be uncertain, and then they aren’t drawn to me…

    and the opposite is true, when I am open and receptive and LOVING, they are drawn and attracted to me like a magnet…

    Duh, this seems so obvious but I don’t think I was totally aware of this…

    Its all up to me! I can dial it up and down as desired…

    Cool!!!!



  5.  #5Daria on June 1, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Hugs to everyone ! 🙂



  6.  #6Liquid Light on June 1, 2016 at 2:22 pm

    Hugs back, Daria! 🙂



  7.  #7Rori Raye on June 1, 2016 at 3:36 pm

    IamHis -I TOTALLY get this inner rage feeling you describe where I want to spew all over everyone. And, I swear, once I get into that, and stop bouncing around between wanting to grab, wanting to run, wanting to punish, wanting to scream, wanting to shake, wanting to blame myself for just BEING here, and just ask myself what it is I want, what is it I’m missing, what HE wants, what HE’S missing, what’s MY responsibility, what’s HIS, and how I could express myself while still being aware that, yes, he’s doing the best he can at this moment – and just let myself SIT with all that…the truth just unfolds itself right in front of me, and everything gets clear. For THIS moment.

    Love, Rori



  8.  #8Grace on June 1, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    I feel so, so, so, so very incredibly lonely.
    I am feeling urge after urge after urge to call Lanky.
    The tantra course I enrolled in only made me feel worse, and lonelier.
    As I was typing this out, I felt an a-ha!
    I’ve been feeling the most intense yearning to get back into hot yoga, and have been believing I couldn’t afford it. But I dropped enough $$ on the tantra course to pay for more than 30 hot yoga sessions. So I just emailed and asked for a refund, and am going to use the money for hot yoga classes instead. That feels better to me – to get out of the house and into my body instead of staying inside doing lonely tantra for one.
    OMG I love hot yoga so hard.



  9.  #9Emerson on June 1, 2016 at 8:43 pm

    Hello sirens….
    Elizabeth Gilbert and Rori I really really felt emotional reading this post…..I love how the phrase “sit down” feels….that resonates with me …. I do this sometimes with myself but not in such a deep and deliberate way, I will try to EXPAND it and EXPAND myself….
    I really feel like I need time off work in order to do this…and so thankful that I’ve had two weeks off due to a contract pause in my current job….I haven’t travelled or done anything BIG as perceived from the outside world…
    But i HAVE been taking time to ‘SIT DOWN’ and take time to think about me and what is going on with me….
    Emerson how are you creating the life you want around you?
    FEELING in a hurry but then finally feeling this week that i can calm down and relax….and I don’t need to PUSH AND PUSH so much to make things happen…
    they are happening (with work)
    AND I AM REMINDING MYSELF of the tools from Rori and to sink into my feelings and how to use feeling messages…
    Thank you



  10.  #10Emerson on June 1, 2016 at 8:51 pm

    I made a ‘mistake’ practicing communication with YoungCD and I don’t know if it’s just a revealing of how he “really” is or if it’s a magnification of my “flaw” in communication abilities…..
    or maybe a bit of both….

    I know I could have communicated better….please help…

    The way I asked is that I was just curious about his asking to make plans with me and then not following through (honestly it happened like 3x)….and I also said I feel bored with just texting.
    He was very offended, ignored me for SEVERAL DAYS….finally texted a long rant about how I was ‘blaming’ him….and he likes to have fun etc etc….

    I felt deflated and upset reading what he said and I know it is 95% BS because HE DID do those things and WAS NOT owning up to it….
    my question is how could i have communicated that better….how can I do a better job of that without driving someone away.

    Now things have cooled between us.

    But I also feel frustrated that it ended up to be the case that he is just NOT MAKING AN EFFORT to see me but is driving long distances to see other friends from college on a REGULAR BASIS.
    So i just have to accept that. maybe there was no need to ” call him on it” as it was already speaking for itself…
    .
    I still feel sad though.And I told him I felt I was being punished for expressing how i feel.

    Since this happened I have been struggling with feelings of “failure” to communicate well and feeling incapable of expressing my needs….and it felt very triggering….



  11.  #11Millie on June 1, 2016 at 11:22 pm

    I am loving these posts on expanding your life. I feel my life expanding in the small decisions, when I really live in each moment and feel each breath. I feel my destiny arising and I want to embrace it, leap to it, hug it. Suddenly the things I used to care about, used to gauge my worth about, don’t really matter anymore. Because nothing can change me and the new vision I have for my life. The things that I used to stress about, a comment from my boss, or feeling like I could be without a job at any time… don’t worry me now.

    Emerson– It sounds like you answered your own question and trusted your gut to speak to this CD and “call him out.” To me, it sounds like you are doubting your communication skills because his reaction was unfavorable. I don’t know exactly how you approached the conversation, but one thing I can relate to is the feeling of being on eggshells around a man and feeling like a delicate crack in the shell would send him running. Yes, it does send SOME men running, the WRONG men. It has taken me SOOOO long to truly believe that. I have found that the most successful encounters are moments where I have expressed to a man how I felt with NO regard to how he will react. I say successful not because of the guy behaved after, but successful because I felt confident and didn’t second guess myself at all. I knew I was right. I agree with you that this confrontation revealed a lot about him. How do you feel about how HE has behaved?? There is always room for improvement in communication… but it takes two willing people to make that work! I read a post the other day from Renee Wade that said this about Feminine Energy:

    “Femininity is what you show to the world through
    your actions when you no longer feel like you are
    not enough.
    The Long answer… It’s you being more of yourself.
    The real you. The authentic you, beneath the
    layers of walls you’ve built up to protect
    yourself from pain.”

    This rang such a bell with me in the sense of “no longer feeling like I am not enough.”
    I honestly feel like I’m not enough ALL THE TIME. So, after reading that, it felt eye-opening to just let that go. If feeling like I am enough is all it takes.. then I feel my communication will come from a confident and genuine place. I have also been listening a lot to Dr. Pat Allen and found her communication tools very useful!! She suggests as the feminine energy to “make an appointment” with your man if you have a sensitive question to ask him. I do agree that receiving texts with bold, somewhat accusatory (even if you phrased it Rori style) remarks can come across as invasive… and have the capacity to make a man react in anger. Anyway, just sharing my thoughts!



  12.  #12Indigo on June 1, 2016 at 11:30 pm

    Emerson,

    What I’m going to say to you is a variation on what I said to Mandy when she was in an almost identical situation a few months ago.

    In my vast experience on this matter, there is no conversation to be had when there is no form of commitment or exclusivity arrangement between you and a man. You may remember that I did caution you about this younger man that he may not be in the same place in his life as you regarding commitment and stability. That is what his comment about “liking to have fun” was about. When a man says these kinds of things, when a man acts and talks casual, BELIEVE him. He is telling you the truth about how he feels and where he is at. You should not invest any expectations or strong feelings in such a man.

    Sure you are free to say you feel disappointed when he makes plans and doesn’t follow through, but if he is not your boyfriend the way to handle that going forward is to be less available and to disinvest. You cannot have a conversation with him about how he feels about you, about how he is not making enough effort, and you definitely cannot have a conversation with him where you say that you feel he is punishing you. You also cannot make any comments about how he is willing to drive long distances to see other friends but not you. This is his business and he is just doing what he wants. Don’t even allow your mind to go there. At the dating stage you should be leaning back, things should be fun and happy and you should be easygoing and just observing what kind of an effort he is making. A man who likes you and wants to commit will do so if he feels happy with you. (I don’t think this man wants to commit though.)

    Conversations like this are waaaay premature and do more harm than good. Please trust me on this.



  13.  #13Indigo on June 1, 2016 at 11:33 pm

    To be clear Emerson, I’m not blaming you for talking to him, I myself have done this numerous times, which is how I know it doesn’t work.

    A man who is already pulling away and has not committed will get defensive and angry pretty much 100% of the time. Which doesn’t feel good.



  14.  #14IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 12:39 am

    “One part of you wants to run, leave, go to Taihiti, find another man. The other part just wants to tear your man apart. This is the part that is so scared of the relationship breaking down, the part that has so little faith in the relationship itself, that all you can do is attack and then cry.” YES.



  15.  #15Indigo on June 2, 2016 at 12:40 am

    Emerson,

    I realise how advicey this sounded, so please forgive me! But how I would have handled it is I would have started going on dates with other men, friends, making other plans when he started flaking. When he contacted me again (which he would have) I would have straight out asked him if he was looking for casual dating or relationship. If he’d said casual I would have thanked him for his honesty and said I didn’t think our goals were compatible and wished him well.

    If he’d said he was looking for a relationship eventually, I would have thanked him for making plans with me and asked if in future he could only make plans when he was certain they would transpire because I didn’t want to feel disappointed. And I would proceed cautiously…

    So much of this is about intuitively gauging a man and paying attention to his cues because men are not always direct about their intentions. It’s also about giving men such a wonderful experience of your feminine gorgeousness and softness that they would love to see more of you, and if they don’t you know that it’s time to move on….



  16.  #16IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 1:09 am

    @RoriRaye 7 – Just now noticed your comment, Rori. Thank you so much!

    “He” isn’t here anymore, because I didn’t choose relationship, I guess. I literally got myself out of the situation. I felt extremely unsafe.

    I have no way of contacting him (other than showing up stalker style), but he has a few ways he could contact me if he wanted to.

    I don’t want to be missing him. But I do, because he triggered me deeply. I did everything right, naturally, without even having to think about it.

    UntI’ll he crossed that line. Then, I stopped communicating and started pretending, waiting, under expressing my anger because it was so hard for me to feel angry at him.

    I stuffed and then lashed out passive aggressively. It was so scary…the levels of passion and jealousy and fear. I have never experienced that before.

    And in turn, he turned wicked. A different person. Not gentle anymore. Cold and cruel and even vicious.

    I finally found my true words but I guess he didn’t feel safe being honest with me anymore.

    I, at least, was incredibly brave.



  17.  #17IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 1:14 am

    I didn’t want to see his side of the story, but oddly enough, I do. I was terrible at communicating, largely because of my own confusion.

    I feel peace with it now, though I do get triggered, and the residual rage seeps out.

    I love my rage and my fear and I even love my terrible communication skills.

    Because some actions are so disrespectful and messed up, they leave you scared and speechless.

    My reactions were just fine. I’m beautiful and strong and perfect, just as I am.



  18.  #18Victoria on June 2, 2016 at 1:18 am

    Emerson,
    I recognize me in what you are saying. I have done the same thing – felt that a man was failing to keep his promises to me. Then, I was blaming myself, because may be these were not really promises, maybe he was just thinking aloud, and I got carried away and assumed more than he was saying. And may be he was overwhelmed with his other activities and a very stressful job, and his other friends and what not. He had a hard time keeping the time for our dates, so I learnt to deliberately arrive at the destination 30 minutes later than what we had agreed, in order not to wait for him too long, and I learnt to carry a book with me, and to have a plan B for when he would decide to cancel our appointment last minute.
    I thought I was a great girlfriend, and he said so. He said I was wonderful, gorgeuous, and the love of his life, yet, he never managed to learn to come on time and keep his promises to me. When I left him for a man who does not need to be persuaded to keep his promises, who is always on time, and who loves to plan things way in advance, just like I do, he was shocked, He said the thought I was happy and I am a really mean bitch to break his heart like that. Maybe I should have just spoken up when he disappointed me instead of leaning back? That would have saved each other 4 years of our lives.



  19.  #19Grace on June 2, 2016 at 5:52 am

    Aaand…my mind changes like the wind and possibilities open up every moment.
    I feel like I can afford BOTH the tantra class and the yoga package. I feel that the loneliness is an important feeling to trigger and be with. I believe the tantra practices are a good investment in myself.

    I’m feeling more present with having needs, and letting them be ok without worrying whether it’s masculine or feminine or ok to say or not. More frequently I push myself to sit in front of the mirror and have the conversation with myself that I imagine having with other people. I still feel confusion among my feelings for Lanky. I feel so vulnerable and raw with him and things he has said and done trigger uncomfortable feelings, that also feel good to get in touch with. Parts of myself I feel like running and hiding from, triggering feelings of shame and wrongness, which may seem bad but also I feel hungry for clarity, hungry to feel, meet and integrate those parts of myself. He hasn’t been mean or vicious in any way, simply direct and often feeling like a beam of sunlight shining on a dark and musty place. I feel so hungry hungry hungry for that feeling.

    Still, I breathe through the urges to reach out and listen to myself and what I want to tell him.
    I feel really grateful for my new tantra practice, which brings me back to myself and gives me new, delicious tools to stay on my horse. I feel grateful to myself for figuring out that I can afford what I need, and I neeeeeeeeed hot yoga like crazy. I feel nervous and excited to get back into it.



  20.  #20IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 6:45 am

    I woke up this morning, realizing that he was being honest with me, not lying, at least on the level that he considers lying.

    He was standing in front of me, angry and guilty and unable to look me in the eye, and my heart was wide open, practically begging him to open his through my words and posture, even though I didn’t come right out and say, please open your heart like I am opening mine.

    I felt his flash of anger, and I understood it completely. I stood there, asked the why behind it, and fully expected this honest answer: you went behind my back when you told M about what happened.

    But I think he trusted me enough to dig back further, because he WAS mad that I reported him.

    I didn’t think he had any reason to be mad about that, because I warned him several times that I was going to report him if he kept refusing to have an honest conversation with me about it.

    I felt so angry at him for even being mad about my reporting him AND I knew that reporting him was NOT what produced the flash of anger that I witnessed.

    Reporting him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It was terrifying and embarrassing and infuriating, because I cared about him so much and I believed in him so much.

    It took a level of strength I didn’t know I had.

    So, I think in a way, he was lying about the real reason he was angry. I know the reaction I saw was NOT about the reporting. But because he trusted me? And was trying to be as open as I was being, he started with his anger of my reporting him.

    But I was scared and exhausted and couldn’t even hear him or think about that. I was thinking about recidivism and of my own feelings and I trusted my instincts in that moment and got out of there.



  21.  #21IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 6:50 am

    I guess it doesn’t matter now. So much time has passed. It’s over and he would have no incentive to reach out to me.

    It just feels good to consider him as less than a villain than I originally thought, and it helps my warped sense of trust; both in myself and in men.

    It also helps reiterate the importance of effective communication and being honest about the why’s behind our strong emotional reactions.

    I feel kinda sad.



  22.  #22IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 7:01 am

    Emerson,

    I could be wrong, but I’m picking up on guilt from youreal college guy.

    A gorgeous older woman like yourself is intimidating to a young guy like that. His flaking on you may have been due to some fear, but he clearly likes you, hence the still reaching out to make plans.



  23.  #23IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 7:08 am

    When I was talking to a younger guy, he made plans and then flaked on me twice. I just flat out told him that if he did it again I would lose any incentive to spend time with him. He stepped up and stopped messing around pretty quick. I think it helped that I didn’t feel attached to any particular outcome. I actually ended up breaking things off with him anyway, but I enjoyed our time together. Younger guys have a way of making me feel like a goddess that I guess I haven’t experienced in the same way with older men.

    You have to realize that young men also have a ton of “easier” options that won’t require much of anything from them.



  24.  #24IamHis on June 2, 2016 at 7:29 am

    Rori, I loved, loved, LOVED your email about rage this morning! Thank you!



  25.  #25Indigo on June 2, 2016 at 9:02 am

    IamHis,

    “You have to realize that young men also have a ton of “easier” options that won’t require much of anything from them.”

    That’s true enough. Hence why it’s so important to make sure you and a man are on the same page and want the same things. A guy who wants commitment and to build something is going to be bored and uninterested in easy, shallow women. You will not have to prompt him to make an effort, he will do it naturally and willingly and everything will just flow.

    That is one thing I have learnt for certain. That is one thing the amazing guy I am with now has taught me.



  26.  #26Femininewoman on June 2, 2016 at 9:36 am

    Indigo/Emerson – so true. As Rori always says, it is where we are coming from. More is obviously wanted from him and he is not in a place to give more or maybe just want to give more. If he is showing that he wants to keep things casual or that is where he is on the relationship timeline there is nothing that will speed him along. That is what he wants.



  27.  #27Femininewoman on June 2, 2016 at 9:39 am

    “A gorgeous older woman like yourself is intimidating to a young guy” – that is so not true. Guys know that there are numerous gorgeous women out there. Both you and old and is a reason why many keep their options open.



  28.  #28Femininewoman on June 2, 2016 at 9:49 am

    “because HE DID do those things and WAS NOT owning up to it….”

    This energy of blaming in your thoughts is what he will feel regardless of what you say. Then the I feel bored with texting, in the same breath would be like rubbing salt in a wound because he doesn’t want the responsibility of a relationship. Maybe he just wants the convenience of a something easy. If it is the way you feel then it is the way it is. There was no “communicating better” for him to get it. He doesn’t want to. He likes the carefree non-chalant way of college life right now with no responsibility. Anything that isn’t like that will be jangling against his energy.



  29.  #29Indigo on June 2, 2016 at 11:24 am

    ” “A gorgeous older woman like yourself is intimidating to a young guy” – that is so not true.”

    Agree with you completely, Feminine Woman. Men are not intimidated by beautiful women. Shy ones may be a little shy, but a man who has asked a woman out is not shy. Men are put off by demanding women and run a mile.



  30.  #30Millie on June 2, 2016 at 1:40 pm

    How do you attract what you want without doing anything? I feel a bit like I’m waiting. Not necessarily for a man, but for money, for the right moment, for an opening.



  31.  #31Liquid Light on June 2, 2016 at 2:06 pm

    I just sold one of my sculptures from a gallery show that I’m in! woohooo!



  32.  #32Tee on June 2, 2016 at 3:00 pm

    Excellent question Millie….I wanna know too lol



  33.  #33Liquid Light on June 2, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    I just had my first facilitated session of The Work! It was awesome! It really helped me push through some really stressful stuff I have coming up right now around work and money. I had a job that I thought I had lined up fall through last week. Its sent me into a bit of a panic and have been totally stressed about it.

    But the facilitator helped me to see that my beliefs around finding work weren’t true. I hadn’t really questioned them but the facilitator walked me through the process. I feel so much better.

    Millie, or anyone else, you can have someone help you do The Work here: http://www.instituteforthework.com/itw/content/helpline-list

    It so easy and they are so great, and available all the time! Amazing!!! Love it!



  34.  #34Grace on June 2, 2016 at 8:27 pm

    Liquid LIght – thanks for the report and the reminder on getting assistance with The Work! I’ve considered calling the helpline but haven’t yet. I feel happy knowing that resource is available.



  35.  #35Grace on June 2, 2016 at 8:33 pm

    I feel slightly agitated and annoyed.

    Noticing how…after a week of no contact and breathing through all of the urges to lean forward with Lanky, my feelings have changed. I feel more clarity. I realize that a large part of our conversations that weren’t specifically shop talk, about our industry, revolved around him telling me what he didn’t want me to think or feel…”don’t be mad if…”, “don’t be upset if….” “I don’t want you to be upset when…”, “I just want to be sure you are/are not thinking x, y or z about me.”

    Ugh, I feel grossed out. The chemistry buffered so much of that. I feel grateful to feel through with it. Every time I feel a nudge to reach out to him, I remember all of that stuff and I feel icked out.



  36.  #36MissStix on June 2, 2016 at 8:53 pm

    I feel sunk in today. Into myself, my routine, life…Doing my thing.
    I may have said something to someone about me getting married today.
    It felt like trying it on for size. It was an uncomfortable fit.
    I feel worries. Little aching worries scattered through me.
    Questions too. Worries and questions.
    I don’t want to ask questions of myself. I don’t want to give voice to fear and doubt.
    Yet I feel it screeching up from somewhere deep.
    This post speaks to me and yet I don’t feel ready for that.
    Something so simple…
    And yet so big! Really!
    How do I sit myself down on the floor and just be there with myself and with what I really want…
    Not how I guess but…When. Yes. When…Not just yet.
    I do feel fear. Of letting myself expand into…Everything right now.
    The only thing not crazy scary is hiding away here. Away from home, the man who wants to marry me, the other man who wants to sweep me off my feet and…what? I don’t know…
    I do want to be swept away.
    I could so just let that happen.
    I can see myself…Just so ahhhhhh. Laid back.
    Such a dream. Only a dream.
    I could take a pin and reach up and just POP…burst that bubble.
    I feel angry.
    Feel like stomping my foot down and whining and complaining and blaming and shouting.
    I feel shut down. I feel exhausted.
    He wants me to come home.
    Wants me for himself. “You’re not all mine until I put a ring on that finger”
    I’m not all his.
    “Is that what you need to come home?”
    “Well yeah…that’s what you’re asking me to consider so yes that’s what I would need.”
    Did I really say that? Who is this person?
    Did I come this far this fast?
    I feel dangerous.
    When someone says I am the moon and the stars and the whole universe…
    What did I even do?
    How is that even the same mouth that called me selfesh when I brought up getting married…
    That’s all wrong…Coming from the part of me that creates rules and limitations.
    I know what I did. I set out to be the universe and I became it. Now the real threat to my relationship with this one man is knowing I could be that to any man and maybe he’s not the one I want.
    Don’t want to analyze. I want to feel and follow what I feel and do what I feel and be what I feel.



  37.  #37MissStix on June 2, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    I feel wild. Energies undulating to the rhythm of chaos.



  38.  #38MissStix on June 2, 2016 at 9:03 pm

    Everything ancient, beautiful, wonderous, mysterious, enthralling, inspirational.
    Everything we all are if we can connect with it.
    “You are the moon and the stars and the whole universe.”
    Imagine that…
    I’m imagining it.



  39.  #39MissStix on June 2, 2016 at 9:15 pm

    I feel all over the place. I love my all over the place-ness.



  40.  #40Victoria on June 3, 2016 at 12:23 am

    MissStix,
    I relate to what you are saying. I do not want to be married to a man who proposes to me under duress. I want to be with a man who wants to be with me out of his own free will, because he thinks I am the best thing in the world, and he wants the same things in life, and thinks I am the best company for him ever. Is this too much to expect from a man?
    I do not want to nudge, to suggest, to hint, to arrange for synchronisity. I do not want to have to show to a man the benefits of being married to me. I do not want to be with a man who, when he sees me walking out of the door, all of sudden is ready to supply all the things he did see as unnecessary before – his full and undivided attention, ignoring all his other friends and family, romantic courtship in all forms and shapes. Am I to naive to expect a man whould do the courting out of his own free will? I had been reading EMK before, he says (and I was really put off by that) that men pay for dates with women, give flowers, gifts etc,, not because they like it, but only because they will not get a woman unless they do. This is so strange to me: I would love to give gifts, attention, even pay for whatever comes to mind for the person I love. How come they can be so different, can I love a person so different in his understanding of what love means?



  41.  #41Indigo on June 3, 2016 at 1:24 am

    Victoria,

    I think you must take EMK very much with a pinch of salt. He writes based on who he is as a man, and from his own experiences, and extrapolates this to general rules for the population. Sometimes there is something helpful in there. Sometimes it is accurate, and sometimes it is not. But his stuff is very subjective. You’ll notice he gives the same anecdotes again and again, based on his own feelings and experiences. He also relies on statistical data and research and “studies” done, which maybe is great for the general masses. I personally gravitate towards people, and men, who are more like me, who tend NOT to be like the majority of people.

    I don’t know. My personal belief actually is that you cannot really generalise about what people like and don’t like. I feel the same as you about gift-giving and paying and doing things for the person I love… I love doing this. And many of the men I have dated love doing this too. So, perhaps EMK himself doesn’t enjoy paying and giving gifts, but this is certainly not true for all people and all men.

    Finally, yes I believe men and women are different. But it IS possible to find a man who loves in the same way as you do. I have no doubt about that now.



  42.  #42Zara on June 3, 2016 at 3:27 am

    ((( Emerson )))

    Lots of helpful tips from Dr. pat Allen:

    At minute 27:30, Dr Pat Allen helps a woman who “wants” more and better from a specific man. (March 25 2016)
    http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-032516.mp3

    At minute 81:45, same woman calls still wanting more and better from the same man (April 8 2016)
    http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-040816.mp3

    At minute 61:45, same woman but she calls to talk about a girl friend hooked into a younger guy. Dr. Pat Allen warns to NOT discard a man on the account of age difference. Where there is chemistry, pay attention, she says. (April 22 2016)
    http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-042216.mp3

    At minute 41, the same woman calls about her good old problem of “wanting” more and better still from the same man. (May 20 2016)
    http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-052016.mp3

    At minute 14, the same woman calls again about the same man. (May 27 2016)
    http://latalkradio.com/sites/default/files/audio/Pat-052716.mp3

    xxx



  43.  #43IamHis on June 3, 2016 at 5:04 am

    I feel sad. I just miss him. Wish we could take things back.



  44.  #44MissStix on June 3, 2016 at 5:36 am

    Victoria

    I put it out there a long time ago (when he first started to come around about marriage) that I didn’t want him to want to marry me because he was afraid of losing me.
    He told me that i’m not inside him knowing why he wants what he wants. He said he started to come around soon after I suggested it because regardless of what he said about it I had made him think. For nearly 5 years with him my opinion was strongly against getting married again. So I imagine he literally had not thought about it before. I didn’t actually leave until well after he had already said he wanted to get married.

    Anyways…None of that actually matters to me anymore. His reasons are his own thing. I feel very focused on myself and what feels right in my life. I question marrying him because I feel checked out of the relationship, bored, uninspired and attracted to other men. That’s why I left and why I haven’t gone back. It isn’t right for me to stay in a place where I feel that way and it isn’t conducive of a solid, happily commited relationship. Certainly not an engagement.
    I haven’t held any of that back from him yet he continues to pursue me.



  45.  #45Sassy on June 3, 2016 at 5:36 am

    Liquid Light,

    CONGRATULATIONS on selling one of your sculptures!!!!! I feel soooo excited for you!
    Do you have a catalog or online site that we can see? I love art in all varieties. Would love to see yours!



  46.  #46MissStix on June 3, 2016 at 5:44 am

    I’ll add that my first marriage was my exs idea from the get go and he was cheating on me the whole time.
    So my experience tells me who wants it and when and for what apparent reason seems to matter very little anyways.



  47.  #47Kim on June 3, 2016 at 5:51 am

    On the topic of marriage…my experiences have been such:
    Men typically are logical, even in matters of the heart. I have met a lot of people in my life and off memory I can think of one (1) man who knew when he was in his 20’s that marriage was important to him and soon…that is one out of hundreds. If you interview girls, it most likely would be a reversed figure?
    The rest were quite happy to live with women, sometimes for years, decades, without seeing the need for marriage. That includes all of my relationships, even bought a house with one. We never had the urge. The fact that I wasn’t interested in marriage sealed it because for sure had I ‘pushed’ I’d be twice divorced now.
    Most men I know will happily enter into marriage because they recognize it is something a woman wants, or they want to claim her…typically men don’t have the feeling of having to claim someone when that someone has already been washing their dirty socks for 10 years or so. Typically.
    In my personal experience and friends experiences that I have seen.

    Undoubtedly, had I not expressed my wish to eventually get married to my now fiance, I would be a long-term live in girlfriend….the status quo rarely gets changed if they don’t have to. For a man, marriage is a huge deal…financially, emotionally. It is often seen as the end of freedom, end of an era etc. for the woman, it is a ‘catch’. I have seen so many depictions of the woman looking content, and dragging a scared man to the altar (even cake toppers!). It’s horrible but this is how society depicts marriage…

    To cut a long story short, no I also would not want to get married to a man who proclaims in different words maybe that he was being ‘dragged to the altar’ in order to seal the deal or respond to an ultimatum. However, I do believe keeping ones options open and not putting all eggs in one basket does help when marriage is the goal….because ultimately men do value what they work for. That nasty saying about buying the milk and not the cow comes from somewhere…

    I might also probe whether values and future visions are aligned, because being resistant to marriage might just be one part of a bigger discord…sometimes it is a smokescreen…IDK.

    Where does the man see the relationship progress to? When I asked my live-in boyfriends where our relationships would have progressed to, they would have said ‘marriage’, in fact they both did…yet they happily lived with me for 5 years and never proposing. So I concluded that not only do men not get married if they don’t see the woman as their ‘one’, but also sometimes because we don’t inspire them by NOT lavishing all our attention on one man. And some, well some just don’t want to get married period. It is kinda interesting to note that it has happened to me that twice I had boyfriends for years and then I dumped them and within a year they were married to someone else lol. And I dumped THEM.
    So, sometimes it just isn’t the right fit. I think men stay in relationships for a looooong time, especially if it is cozy and convenient, even if it isn’t the right fit. Getting married, however,well that is a different story….I think there one sees how ‘real’ the relationship actually is.
    I have not one but several gfs who were in relationships lasting 10 years and more, hoping it would lead to marriage and kids…if that is what one wants, I don’t think hope is the way to approach it.
    If I was 10-15 years younger and really wanted kids and a family, I certainly would CD my behind off and not live with anyone unless I had a real knowledge of where things were headed….years go by very quickly…



  48.  #48Kim on June 3, 2016 at 6:03 am

    By ‘lavishing all attention on one man’ oops typo.
    BTW nothing to do with Stix’s situation, just some general observations of mine since wetalked about marriage and Evan Katz etc.



  49.  #49Kim on June 3, 2016 at 6:07 am

    I also find, incidentally, that if a partner is too resistant to something that is important to US, well that wouldn’t make a good partner anyway. And it turns us off them, no? Can’t always be on the same page but when it comes to something important like kids or marriage or whatever else is big, like moving…if they totally object to something that would make us happy…they are not a good fit. In my experience. Can’t shove a square peg in a round hole…how many billions of people are out there? 😉



  50.  #50Victoria on June 3, 2016 at 6:17 am

    MissStix,
    From your writing I get a very good vibe about being very self aware and very powerfull.
    And yes, I understand what you are saying.
    For me, I still think about the motivation of people, and I search to see the reason behind the action.
    Regarding the man I am with (and men who I have been with before), I know I want to know what prompted them to act a certain way. I know that my ability to read thoughts is good, but not perfect.
    I have had dialogues similar to the one you quoted. Me: “I don’t want you to do something because of me only”. Him “I am a grown up man, I only do what I want to do, and I am not doing this because of you”. All this is very well, but I still feel something is off, and this is not the way I want to be treated. I can’t put my finger quite on it, but it is not ok, why are we having the conversation anyway, I know I am prodding you to do something which I think/feel/assume you would be doing it if you loved me, if you just loved me the way I love you. Oh well.

    Back to you, if you are refusing a man on his marriage proposal, I would think this is the biggest blow he could experience to his ego. I think this is the reason he is still pursuing you, he hopes to avoid the crash of his ego.

    You said you “”I question marrying him because I feel checked out of the relationship, bored, uninspired and attracted to other men.”. Do you think he feels/felt different? Do you think he was excited, inspired, and attracted to you only, and it is simply that he was experiencing a very different relationship than the one you were in?
    You do not need to answer if you do not care about this, this is basically a phylosophical question I am mulling over now, is it possible for one person to very satisfied in a long term relationship, while the other one feels like he/she is just getting more and more bored and disinterested?



  51.  #51Kim on June 3, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Love your post Victoria.
    Generally I am wondering whether men think or analyse as much about a relationship as we do. And about whether they are ‘happy’ in it or not.
    I think they often ‘are in it’ and don’t question so much.
    May just be my experience…..



  52.  #52Tee on June 3, 2016 at 6:53 am

    *****This is gonna be long******

    Ok Ladies, it’s interesting that there’s a marriage conversation going on because I do need to vent.
    I’m feeling icky. Last night, my cousin called me to ask how was the wedding planning going.

    Yes, E & I are supposed to be getting married this year. I left it up to my cousin & him to figure things out.
    She loves a good project lol E had some very grand, if not interesting (aka GHETTO AS ALL HELL) ideas.

    The whole ordeal was making me anxious so I left it up to them. I know that it’s MY day/OUR day but all of the talk about banquet halls, locations, package deals, etc.…I just don’t find it fun in any way lol however, my cousin and E seemed to fall off track with them both being busy and plans pretty much stalled.

    So back to last night, my cousin suggests that I get a date from E and let’s move forward. I say Ok fine, I’ll call him & see what’s what. I started to almost immediately feel icky about this…and I did tell her that. This felt like leaning forward. I call it being dry & thirsty lol and that’s how it feels. Like I’m trying to force this on him. I call him to ask the question but he’s at a friend’s watching the game.

    I let him know that I have a loaded question for him but that I’d wait. He said that we could talk once he got home (it was already 10:30pm!)…I was like I’ll be asleep by then. He said Don’t worry, I’ll wake you up! We both laughed and I said, I bet you will.

    Not sure exactly what time he got home, I vaguely remember seeing him coming and going out of the bedroom. I do remember having to use the bathroom at around 3am & that’s when I initiated the talk before I lost my nerve. I wasn’t nervous but again, this felt icky to me…initiating this conversation…or hell I feel weird initiating ANY conversation to be honest lol I’ll have to explore that another time

    He goes on about the meaning behind marriage, exactly what is it good for, what does it change, etc. Yes yes yes, icky all over the place. I think he was just thinking out-loud but I’m feeling awkward about the exchange. Maybe it literally wasn’t the right time (at 3am no less) to have that conversation…or maybe, he’s not into me anymore? He did mention spending money on another place to live rather than this. He had just spent time with a friend who had a really really nice place (according to him) and he often gets that way when he sees others who he feels are doing better than us.

    Anyways, the end result was him saying Ok, you pick the date. To me, that was him being done with the entire conversation. I was going to send him some information regarding where we could have the ceremony but I have since decided against it. I really don’t like how I’m feeling about this. I’m wondering if I should say anything to him about what I’m feeling or should I just…I don’t know, back off somehow.

    Now, knowing E the way that I do. He’ll probably get all hype at what I’m alluding to, if I suggest that he doesn’t want to marry me/he’s not into me anymore, etc Saying that that’s NOT what he’s trying to say. I’m good for misinterpreting what he’s saying, but it kinda DOES sound like someone who might be having some thoughts. I feel hurt and confused right now. I feel like I really wanna confront him but #1…I’m at work. #2. I cant completely confirm that I’ll be rational, logical and detached from the outcome. I already feel on the verge of tears and I sent my cousin 2 text messages about this already.

    She’s probably NOT the best person to understand this. She lives & operates 100% in her boy energy (like most of my family)…she orchestrated her entire marriage, she calls all of the shots, pays for most things & basically only seems to need her husband for appearance sake lol (IMO) so she wouldn’t see this as a bad sign/red flag. But I kinda do.

    I really really REALLY wanna send E a text later on stating that I feel awkward about our conversation last night. I appreciate his honesty but it FEELS like we aren’t on the same page, it FEELS like he doesn’t want to move forward.
    Would that be wrong?



  53.  #53Emerson on June 3, 2016 at 7:50 am

    Indigo, Millie, iamhis, FW and Zara and anyone else I missed 🙂
    Thank you for all your comments, I feel supported reading all of them. It’s very helpful. I wish I had come to the blog before I sent the texts to him.

    I feel disappointed in the whole situation.

    I feel that his reaction was unduly severe considering what I said I didn’t feel was that bad. But apparently it was. And he could sense my underlying feelings.

    I just feel like it’s so complicated

    If someone makes plans and doesn’t follow through why can’t I just bring it up!? why does it have to feel like this delicate walking on eggshells game?! I feel incapable.

    Ugh. I’m feeling angry.

    He’s the one who has started pursuing me and actions speak louder than word so if he’s not showing up then there ya go. He “said” he doesn’t want casual and he wants a relationship but like one of you said, men are not always up front with their real intention.

    Sounds like he wants easy and convenient (has invited me to his house which is far away and I said no.)

    I just feel upset with myself and a little humiliated that I “chased him away”……



  54.  #54Emerson on June 3, 2016 at 7:56 am

    Probably I need to “let it go” but I feel like I want resolution ….
    We’ve exchanged pleasantries since then but I feel like I want more “resolution” I want to “fix it”….

    After our negative exchange He did say he should have communicated with me instead of going silent and he said other things too but I feel that something has definitely shifted between us.
    Another issue is that he drinks a lot and that bothers me a little. I don’t drink much.

    I don’t know. Just needing to get out there and focus on other things, which is what I have been doing but it’s still been bothering me.



  55.  #55Emerson on June 3, 2016 at 8:06 am

    I’m leaning back big time but I don’t know how to proceed from here



  56.  #56Kim on June 3, 2016 at 9:12 am

    Hi Tee…
    I feel curious: when you got engaged, was there talk of planning or a date or anything pertaining to the actual wedding?
    When we got engaged, we discussed all that..how long till the wedding, budget, what we would like etc. so I kinda find it hard to relate here.

    The wedding traditionally is the bride’s party…and very traditionally it was paid for by the bride’s parents and it was them who would have been planning the event, since they were paying for it.

    Fast forward to now and the wedding is still kinda considered to be the bride’s big deal, while the rehearsal dinner is the groom’s party. Of course not being American all this is new to me but it might explain why your lady friend ‘orchestrated’ her wedding.
    I can assure you that my guy, although he took an interest in planning, is really not at all interested in how we decorate, which colors, when the reception starts, the toasts or what the cake looks like etc. Neither do I expect him to.

    I was happy to do all that kind of planning, while he works long days and gets home late.
    He mainly discussed stuff with me or dealt with the vendors to put down deposits etc. That was his part.

    I made sure I consulted him on everything, but yeah, in essence I also ‘orchestrated’ the little details of the wedding and I really can’t think of any other bride that I know who didn’t.
    It’s a couple effort, for sure…and I can tell you, I would have felt icky also had we not discussed from the get-go when and how we wanted to get married.

    When I realized we were both on the same page, that gave me the enthusiasm to start getting into the details. The little details most men couldn’t give a rats ar*se about lol.

    I honestly think the men just want to make us happy, and that includes letting us have what we want for the wedding…that is my view. We also need to buy a place etc., but not once has my guy mentioned that we can’t get married because we need the money for buying a house – why not buy the house instead of proposing then? We have a very small budget because we are frugal but he wants to get married too, so that takes precedent over all the other things right now. Those are things I felt were good discussing when we got engaged. I asked multiple times, what would he like to do, does he even want to spend money/time on a wedding? I got a resounding ‘YES’, so I felt good to start the planning.

    In my case a little masculine energy when you are already engaged (it’s not like you are dating or barely know each other), and have decided a date for the wedding, didn’t damage anything …just my two cents. In some ways it feels unfair to put all the burden on the guy. Most guys do not dream of walking down the aisle half their lives…lol



  57.  #57MissStix on June 3, 2016 at 9:45 am

    Victoria

    Not totally sure I have the answer to that question.
    It’s been a long relationship, coming up on 6 years so there has been some ebb and flow.
    He told me he had times where he questioned whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship but always came to the conclusion that he wanted me.
    Right now his stance is that he wants me to be happy whether i’m.with him or not.

    I haven’t turned down a proposal because he has not proposed. He has said he wants to marry me, he has said the stuff I wrote about putting a ring on my finger etc but he has not asked me officially…according to him it’s because I told him I would say no so there would be no point in asking. He says he’s fighting for me, not giving up or going anywhere until I tell him to stop. I have been melting and receiving him because i’m NOT sure yet. The distance has definitely made me feel less stuck, trapped and bored. Yet I still feel checked out and uninspired.

    I probably could have made a more thoughtful answer but i’m on my coffee break and I wanted to write something…
    I can ponder this more later.



  58.  #58Tee on June 3, 2016 at 9:52 am

    #55 Kim, thank you for offering your point of view. There was no talk of budgets and such. My fiancé said that he wanted to take care of everything so I said Cool. My cousin wanted to be a part of it as well, so I figured she would help E gain clarity with his ideas because I was not a fan of some of them.

    It was my job initially to pick the date but I couldn’t come up with anything that I liked lol so everything stalled like I said.

    It feels icky to me to bring all of this up without a very clear Green Light from him that this is OK. I know I know, I “shouldn’t” feel this way but I tend to be very hypersensitive when it comes to him.

    I often “hear”/”see” rejection coming from him when it could simply be just miscommunication on both parts.



  59.  #59Kim on June 3, 2016 at 10:00 am

    Tee, I hear you.
    It might just be a case of sitting down calmly, perhaps not at 3am…and ask him what his thoughts are about it all…
    it seems to me that he has kind of given you the green light but maybe it just needs talking about a little more. Not sure if I would like a ‘go-between’ like you have your cousin…it is your wedding after all…hm.
    Maybe I would bring up the subject at a time when things were going really well at a good moment and just see what he has to say about planning the wedding and setting a date?



  60.  #60Femininewoman on June 3, 2016 at 10:09 am

    Tee how about waiting till both of you are relaxed and in a good mood together and just sharing your dream of your life in the future together. See what his response is and take it from there.

    I just think he might have sensed your anxiety and the energy of confront inside you and that pushed his resistance switch which I take as a normal built in come from the factory switch in men. Bring things back to yourself and see where you are wound up inside yourself and try to work on relaxing that before going back to him. He has logical, rational thinking about the subject so I would assume he was not feeling it in his body at the time. You can help with that by getting him out of his logical brain into feeling like it is his idea and something he wants.



  61.  #61Liquid Light on June 3, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Hi Sassy 44,

    Thank you for interest and enthusiasm about my art! Yes, it was quite exciting to have the piece purchased at the show yesterday! I think the buyer was excited too.

    I would love to share my art with you (or anyone who is interested). Please email me at LiquidLightSculpture at gmail dot com and I will point you to my web site. (I’m a bit private and nervous about sharing it publicly here but would be thrilled to share it directly with you or any other sirens that are interested!)

    Thanks again for excitement and enthusiasm, Sassy, I really appreciate it! 🙂



  62.  #62Tee on June 3, 2016 at 11:02 am

    #58 Kim,
    I think it does need a little more talking. I think we need to talk more anyway. (One of his “complaints” about me)

    When I “opened the floor” up to talk, he actually went on to talk about the night that he had had with his friend, what they had in their house, etc. I let him talk and then I sorta re-routed him back to what I had wanted to talk to him about. That’s when he went on his little tangent. He wasn’t angry or dismissive, it seemed like he really wanted to know where the whole concept (marriage) came from and why.

    Me being me, what I’m “hearing” is his rejection.
    Him taking his love away from me, not valuing me or taking me serious, etc.
    And the more I sat with that conversation in my head, the bigger it got to where I needed to release it by reaching out.



  63.  #63Tee on June 3, 2016 at 11:09 am

    #59,
    FW
    I like this approach better. It feels softer. How do I get him out of his logical brain?
    I feel like I can barely get out of my own brain LOL



  64.  #64Tee on June 3, 2016 at 11:14 am

    #59, FW
    I like this approach better. It feels softer. How do I get him out of his logical brain?
    I feel like I can barely get out of my own brain LOL



  65.  #65Tee on June 3, 2016 at 11:55 am

    I’ve realized a few things. I should have listened to that icky feeling and postponed all conversation until I felt better. Yet at the same time, I thought that I was being brave in facing this issue head on. I wanted the icky feeling to go away and I felt that being direct with E would help alleviate what I was feeling.

    3am is probably not the best time to talk about anything that I perceive to be as serious. Maybe not the best time to talk anyway but some of the best conversations that I’ve had with my fiancé were often in the middle of the night.

    I’m noticing more and more that I often “hear”/”see” rejection in almost everything that my fiancé says or does. This has led me to avoid anything too deep because I almost ALWAYS misinterpret it to mean something negative if he doesn’t convey his emotions in the “right” way and let’s face it….he almost never says anything in the “right” way.

    I’m seeing that my issues won’t go away without my being proactive. I’m seeing that I almost immediately go numb when confronted with my own vulnerability. It’s how I learned to protect myself.

    I’m feeling glad that I didn’t send out any text messages to E. I did text him in regards to picking up our son at daycare but nothing more.

    Again, as in the past, when confronted with my insecurities over E and his perceived non-committal…I went looking for a culprit. I thought about his actions/behaviors over the last few weeks to “determine” if anything was suspicious. Nothing conclusive.

    I go over all of my short-comings, wondering why/what has led to this. I feel unpretty, tragically non-sexy, etc. I want to blame whatever female friends he has, etc.

    I want to shut down, close off. I don’t want to look at him or share laughs with him for fear that I’ll grow weak again. I feel somewhat strong in my anger but I don’t want my strength to come from that place.

    I start feeling that I need to separate from him but again, it’s coming from a negative HURTFUL place. I want to separate to protect myself & to hurt him but that’s not the answer. I’m completely operating from a “damaged” viewpoint. I always go through this with every perceived rejection.

    I don’t want to keep going through this internally which is why/how I found this way of relating to the world. I need to be better at this



  66.  #66Indigo on June 3, 2016 at 2:27 pm

    Emerson 52,

    No need to feel incapable and humiliated, you did nothing wrong. This has nothing whatsoever to do with blame or right and wrong – nothing about right and wrong could possibly solve this situation. This has everything to do with simply “getting” where he is at relative to where you are at. If you want to avoid the kind of shut down, nasty, overly severe response you got from him, the thing is to avoid having such conversations in future with men who are not at all committed to you.

    Don’t blame yourself at all. Don’t blame him either. It’s all about observing where he’s at. What are his actions saying to you? Is this the kind of man you can see yourself building a relationship with? How do you feel the majority of the time? Secure? Safe? Loved? Fulfilled? Treasured? Or anxious, uncertain, unhappy?

    Demanding and “talking” doesn’t work with a man, trust me. They are going to do what they want to do. Sure, when you have a committed relationship with a man and he is in love with you, you have a little leeway to have conversations about what would make you happier. But anything up until that point? I honestly wouldn’t even bother, unless you can be sure you have no expectations attached to it whatsoever.



  67.  #67Emerson on June 3, 2016 at 4:22 pm

    Hi indigo
    Thank you that’s very helpful! So true

    .i don’t know what I was thinking when I said that to him. …..

    Maybe I got caught up in the excitement of a potential relationship and thought we had plans. Then when he didn’t follow through I felt slighted and let down and I wanted to “stick up for myself”….

    In the future I’ll just let it go. And reply to fewer texts.



  68.  #68MissStix on June 3, 2016 at 4:50 pm

    Before I read further…

    “What exactly does marriage change?”

    I’m certain the answer is :

    Everything…

    And nothing.



  69.  #69MissStix on June 3, 2016 at 5:21 pm

    Tee

    I’m noticing how aware you are of what you feel. Even if it’s all negative, gucky stuff.

    For me, forging the bravery to speak my truth without trembling has taken years and I still shake and stutter and don’t exhale.
    I feel all tied up inside and I have to speak over that or through it.
    It helped me a lot to give myself permission to not speak right away and not require him to hear me right away. I need prep time.
    I will sit with something for hours or days or even weeks, depending on what I have to say, until i’m ready. Then I tell him I have something important to talk about and to let me know when he thinks it’s a good time.

    In my life, just personally, there is no such thing as “he isn’t into me.”
    There is only “I am into me.”
    Which means either he is into me or I am not into him.

    I think I did good with the non-advicey advice hahaha
    I mean we all knw what it is. 😉



  70.  #70MissStix on June 3, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    Marriage changes everything…becoming a member of a new family. Marriage is undoubtedly a major statement and a very important one to some.

    Yet it changes nothing. The bride and groom remain the same two people in the same relationship with the same strengths and weaknesses and humanity.

    To me it is a decision made only already knowing I can walk through anything with that person and come out whole and together. And only knowing this is his firm opinion as well.
    And only knowing that if he ever feels the sparks of infidelity he will talk to me about it.

    I find myself in a moment of wondering why I left at all…



  71.  #71Tee on June 3, 2016 at 7:51 pm

    #69 MissStix,

    Prep time, I like that. I don’t trust myself to not curse him out in the heat of the moment so I mostly don’t say anything which is a catch-22. I’m not getting the practice that I need by being quiet yet I kinda feel like my “silence” is keeping everything safe. Can’t think of another way to put it.

    And that’s accurate. I’m not into me. I’m far more into him. I’ve given this tons of thought.
    Rori Raye teaches us to CD and it dawned on me that E is a natural at this. E CD’s the world while I CD my fiancé.

    We talked about that this evening. He was wondering what friends I’ve made at my job, do I speak to anyone, etc. It feels yucky because it makes me feel like I’m being compared to others.

    It’s just annoying ugh



  72.  #72Emerson on June 3, 2016 at 10:11 pm

    (((Tee)))



  73.  #73Emerson on June 3, 2016 at 10:13 pm

    Indigo
    I still feel cringey with myself….
    Thinking about how I handled it and WHY did I ever say those things!!!
    Ugh
    Beating myself up
    But I’ll stop that now
    It’s all learning
    It’s a valuable lesson

    I’m ok



  74.  #74Indigo on June 4, 2016 at 4:27 am

    Emerson,

    If it’s any consolation, I said those kinds of things many, many times. So much so that I lay awake many nights just a cringing ball of anxiety. The way I would feel bad about myself and beat myself up would drive me into an almost unbearable downward spiral at one stage.

    But as long as you keep reaching forwards and upwards for new growth, keep healing, keep learning, keep trying different things, it WILL get better. I promise. There is only one way to go from here and that is up. Think of it all as learning and practice for when your perfect guy comes along, so that you can get it all out of the way on these guys who are not “The One” and you don’t have to make those mistakes on him.



  75.  #75Azure Blu on June 4, 2016 at 2:05 pm

    Tee #52
    Love this!!!
    “This felt like leaning forward. I call it BEING DRY AND THIRSTY lol and that’s how it feels.”
    YES, that is soo well put… that’s exactly the feeling!!
    Your amazing!



  76.  #76Azure Blu on June 4, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    TEE!!!!! #65
    You are amazing… I am LOVING how you process in all your posts!
    listening to your feelings …where they are in your body… how they get stuck!!

    I too have such a difficult time sharing MY truth… it gets all stuck in my chest…
    in my throat!
    My thoughts are….. it’s fabulous you brought the conversation up again (you had given him heads up)
    at 3:00 am
    for me this sounds like a perfect thing to say to E… you are sharing how YOU FEEl..
    I really really REALLY wanna send E a text later on stating that
    “I feel awkward about our conversation last night.
    I appreciate his honesty!!” PERIOD
    This is honest, authentic and so vulnerable from your warm, innocent heart!
    As I have said!! YOU’RE so brave and courageous!!
    You are changing the dynamic of your relationship… and I see E stepping up!
    hugggggs lovely Siren!



  77.  #77Azure Blu on June 4, 2016 at 2:26 pm

    LiQuid Light!!!
    Yes!! Congratulations on the sale of a sculture!! How fantastic!



  78.  #78Azure Blu on June 4, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Emerson…
    for me … I have a very difficult time expressing my feelings around what I want…
    What I have tried to get better at – by Practicing with my CDs- is sharing what I want… with men and anyone I am close to
    That is where I have found the Magic for me — that is when i feel loved and taken care of,
    by *ME**
    and that is when I discover if the man is interested
    in going in the same direction I am…
    That is Magical to me!!!

    I have shared with some CDs
    that I really feel happy when we keep in regular contact…
    which for me means several times a week
    (after dating them for at least a few months)
    Some step right up and are happy to stay in close contact…
    others disappear (and some come back later)
    BUT **I** find out if I should be spending
    any more of my precious time with them.



  79.  #79Liquid Light on June 5, 2016 at 9:38 am

    Thanks Azure! 🙂



  80.  #80Tee on June 5, 2016 at 10:26 am

    #76 Azure Blue,

    Thanks! I think that the dynamics are changing & that I’m changing so maybe all of this purging is good? E did ask what me & my cousin were talking about & he said that he wished that she would contact him directly & isn’t sure why she doesn’t lol he wondered if I’ve giving the wrong impression about him.
    He said again that I don’t talk to him. Smh.

    Also, I forgot that his Godmother was killed earlier in the week & he admitted that he’s still affected by what happened. I wasn’t trying to come off insensitive but he hides his emotions so well that I often can’t tell how affected he is by anything.

    She was killed by an über driver at 1 in the morning. She was on her way back home from the deli when it happened. Her funeral is this weekend.

    So in light of all of this, maybe it’s not the right time for a serious wedding talk. I feel bad for forgetting. She was like his 2nd mother. Of course I didn’t know her as well as he did but I always saw her at different family functions & she would always talk to me when it seemed like no one else wanted to talk to me lol

    Also, I’m now going into my 3rd week of working & it feels great to be in the city.
    It’s gonna be interesting to see how things are once this ends. I think when E & I spend too much time together cooped up, I start to get weird.

    It seems as though, once I get outside of my mind & into my body (which I don’t do unless forced lol)…I feel better & my problems don’t appear so ginormous!

    I’ll just continue to grow and move forward lol it does suck sometimes



  81.  #81Azure Blu on June 5, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    Tee…
    Ohhh… my darlin Siren…
    How VERY tragic!!! I am sooo sorry for this sudden death of someone so close to you and E!!! Huggs and my prayers for your family…
    I know I too struggle with being in my head when I am cooped up with not much outside stimulation… It happens more often now that I have had to let 3 of my girlfriends fall by the wayside… too much drama and disrespect…
    so i’m like you… I try and not let that happen for too long…
    Hopefully I can figure out how to make new friends… SOOON!!!
    Glad to hear you are enjoying your job…
    love and huggs darling!!



  82.  #82Tee on June 6, 2016 at 7:47 am

    #81 Azure Blue,
    Thanks! yes it is tragic. She was a sweet lady and didn’t deserve that.
    I remember when my Godfather passed, I was devastated. Its just terrible.
    I have a few girlfriends but I haven’t seen them in ages. Its been a little difficult to plan anything & have it stick.
    And to be honest, I’m really in no hurry to spend time with people who constantly complain.

    I’m noticing that I really have a low tolerance for it these days. They complain all the time about being broke, being fat, men being ***holes, etc. I’m not saying that I haven’t fallen down that hole before but GEEZ! If I haven’t talked to you in 2 months, I’d at least expect you to have something different to say lol

    As per me & getting more into my body and not my head…its an interesting transition
    I dont know that I’ll ever be as active as my guys are but I think I’m starting to understand it a little
    The feeling that you need to physically move your body in order to clear some brain fog lol
    At least thats my take on it



  83.  #83Azure Blu on June 6, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    Tee…
    Yes… all that BOY ENERGY!!!
    My son and men in my life are So very energetic!!!
    I do like a man with LOTS of energy… cause i am pretty energetic…

    Sooo funny… i had to take my son outside for walks, bike rides (he was riding a little bike at 3yrs) climbing trees…. and if the weather was bad we’d just go to the mall to let him run around!!
    Loved rolling around with his dad… his friends… busy busy!! :o))



  84.  #84Tee on June 6, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    LOL Thanks for the ideas!

    I always take Isiah to the park after daycare to let him run around but it still seems like he has excess energy

    I think I’m gonna have to switch it up.

    Take him to the mall like you said. We’re also due back at Chuck E. Cheeses lol

    So maybe we’ll do that this week. My energy level isn’t what it could be.

    Maybe I need to change my diet LOL

    I have to admit that sometimes I’m just not there with the energy or playing

    I recently got caught in the middle of their pillow fight ctfu
    I was NOT amused…it was barely 8:30am.

    E says, Why don’t you wanna play with us?
    Good Question! Sometimes it just takes so much effort to shift from my head to my body



  85.  #85Lilybelly on June 6, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    Nothing much to report except that I feel a couple different emotions, at different times. Most of the time, I feel like a ton of cement bricks have been removed from my body. In the last two weekends, I have completely redone my kitchen. Chalk painted all the cupboards, painted all the trim and finally, the walls. It looks larger. New rug,mtowelscetc. I just need to distress the cupboards a bit morevandcaddca clear glaze and I’ll be done. It looks amazing and I feel soo proud of myself for taking on such a huge project.

    Relief and light, that I don’t have to worry about constant lying. About additional gaslighting, and getting stronger. In the last week alone, I have gained so much strength. It feels great. I feel happy to know that much better things are on their way to me when I close this chapter.

    And, anger. Red hot because he still is lying. And I don’t understand it but I told him a couple days ago that as long as he was still lying to me and seeing that other woman, I have nothing to say to him right now. I stood up for myself and feel proud. He needs to finish this even though he started that. It is a requirement for me.



  86.  #86Azure Blu on June 8, 2016 at 3:35 am

    Lillybell #85
    Ahhh… darling Siren,
    So good to hear your strong Siren melody.
    I;ve been wondering how you are.
    The kitchen sounds amazing!!! I need to do mine… sounds like getting VERY busy
    was soo good for your soul and for staying out of HIS life and
    Making YOUR LIFE… even better…
    What do you mean by “Chalk painting” i’ve not heard of this technique?

    Hang in there lovely!!! sending you BIG warm huggss!!



  87.  #87Emerson on June 8, 2016 at 10:36 am

    Victoria #18 thank you for sharing that with me….sorry I missed your comment before when I check the blog on my phone I can’t always see too well!!
    Thank you for sharing this experience with me.
    It feels helpful.
    Azure Blu and Indigo thank you for your additional comments and feedback. It really does help me a great deal. I feel supported and I feel heard.

    I have leaned back with him and he did end up texting me an reaching out to say hello and I just went with it. Keeping things casual is fine I’m just going to adjust my expectations and practice communication.

    He still has not made plans to meet but it’s ok I am moving along with other things and there are two other men who have been leaning forward towards me. One is way too young for me and a coworker so I”m resistant to get involved but he is very very cute and very very sweet……
    the other lives a distance away but keeps regular contact with me and we are actually very compatible….he lives in a city where I plan on moving in the future so we’ll see.
    In the meantime they are both CDs and “friends’ and a welcome distraction.