Embrace Your Change

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Yaaay!  The election’s over, and it feels like things are moving in an orderly, methodical, well-thought out and yet passionate way.

However you voted, I hope you will now gather the entire world together in your mind and heart as a peaceful world – accepting and loving all the pieces of it that are painful and disturbing – just as I ask you to love and accept all the pieces of yourself that feel painful and disturbing – so we can, starting with creating peacefulness and beauty and bounty within and around ourselves, gather all of ourselves together to create peacefulness, beauty and bounty for the world.

Change is always scary – and regardless of the change brought about by electing our new President, change is happening all around us anyway. Fast change. Change in reality, change in perception.

Let’s use this time to embrace change in ourselves and our personal lives. As you use the Tools, you’ll experience yourself in a new place nearly all the time.  At the end of one month you won’t remember what it was like when you started.  The more you practice, the more things will change, and the less you’ll remember of what it used to be like for you.

Don’t let anyone tell you things “take time.”  Don’t let anyone tell you to tolerate “circumstances.”  Don’t let anyone slow you down.  And don’t let fear be your guiding star.

If you love and embrace your fear, your anger, your time, your circumstances, and your situation, and if you honor yourself and are always gentle with yourself, you can create change that will be guided by your dreams.

Yes we can. Yes you can.

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Daria on November 9, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    What really rings true to me is this part:

    “At the end of one month you won’t remember what it was like when you started. The more you practice, the more things will change, and the less you’ll remember of what it used to be like for you.”

    I used to think this was a problem, but now I will embrace it. I feel happy things are changing so much. I feel happy I don’t remember some of the pain I feel or my old ways of relating.

    I feel happy!!! YAY! Thank you Rori this article is beautiful… will definitely have to work on embracing the things in the world that are not so right… somehow it seems we shouldn’t accept them because that would be capitulating… though of course if it works the way our emotions do… embracing them is the honorable course… theres a lot here for me to work on…

  2.  #2Reshi on November 10, 2008 at 8:59 am

    The hardest bit for me is “don’t let fear be your guiding star.” And only since I’ve started working with Rori’s tools (specifically the Power and Self-Esteem series) did I realize just HOW MUCH I’ve been driven by fear throughout pretty much my entire life. And now I can notice when I have fear spinning around in my head, and I can just stop myself from whatever I’m doing and go dive into it and work through it right there…and that’s wonderful. It’s taken me to amazing, beautiful places, places of love, places of joy, places of wisdom. Thank you so much Rori!

  3.  #3JP on November 10, 2008 at 4:43 pm

    Every day I am thankful for Rori’s work. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t use one of her tools or remember some of her teaching.

    I’ve been using her Tools and programmes for 18months. I did notice changes right away, but the deep, rapid changes really gathered pace when I finally let go of the outcome (e.g. ‘I want THIS man, not THAT one’).

    It was so empowering to be able to make myself feel better in the moment. It still is! My first, profound experience of this was the tool of imagining my heart as a light, a little light that’s just there, not flashing or reaching out, just there. Just like everyone else. And later, the tool of just touching something and noticing its qualities got me out of obsessive, anxious thinking.

    Some tools really called to me, others I’ve gone back to at a later date.

    I can’t believe the change in myself. Well, YES – I can! I was chronically insecure and at the stage of giving up on a special relationship. Relationships made me feel anxious and afraid of loss. I picked men I could look after. Now all my relationships – friends, colleagues, son, man – are nurturing and good. I’ve started using the tools with my birth-family. I feel confident I can handle myself in the world whatever comes along. I’m no longer limited by fear.

    Which means – I may still experience frustration, grief, unexpected change etc. but KNOW I will handle it and that my feelings are feelings, not meanings. If I’m sad, it doesn’t mean I should try harder. If I’m anxious, I can stop myself from searching for what I should be doing to make it alright. If something unexpected happens, I’m open to it not being personal:) I still get bouts of anxiety, but they pass very quickly now.

    Thank you so much, Rori! I’m reaching my half-century a whole and open woman.

  4.  #4Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 8:35 am

    You guys are such an inspiration to me. I feel as though I am watching everyone get to this wonderful, beautiful and peaceful place within themselves and I am so happy about that for all of you but I feel as though I can’t break through this ‘wall’ in front of me. I don’t know what that wall is but I can’t seem to get to the other side of it. I do have moments where I feel good….great even but how do I get around that wall and over to the other side so that I can continue to move forward in my own journey? I feel lost right now and no….I do not love that feeling of being lost. I hate it….it feels dark and scary and ominous…..overwhelming. Perhaps it is because I am in a situation that I can’t change right now and have to stay in this place both in the physical living in our home and in the emotional/ spiritual because again I am living in our home with Charles and not able to move on, out or forward……my life is still on hold in every way…..I do still want things to work out with him but I cannot trust this man……..at all…..Rori – you said that he is toxic and that I should beware of him when he begins to move toward me…when he begins to give…and to some degree…he has and still is….it is going on a couple of weeks now that he has been loving, attentive and caring toward me but still there is a part of him that I cannot deal with….the part that I cannot trust…..I feel that I cannot move forward in any area of my life right now until I can get a job and get enough money put aside to get my own place but then why do I have to leave our home? This is the only place that I have felt even a little bit safe since I got here back in January……he says that he loves me….that we will get married and talks about future events where I am a part of that but then why in the hell do I have to move?! I am angry….hurt…..and feel as though I may not recover from all of this…..I am trying so hard to change ME for ME and to get to the point where I am my focus….not him or even ‘us’ but ME….and yet I can only move forward in that but only so much as I am still in our home and cannnot move forward in my own life…it is as though I am stuck in time and place until I get a job……I feel my life passing me by and that no one will want me after all of this and I even feel right now like what do I have to move on to? Right now I feel my spirit is so damn broken and everthing in me feels dark and scared….no terrified.

  5.  #5Reshi on November 11, 2008 at 9:49 am

    Cassandra, I also often feel like there’s an impenetrable wall in front of me, or around my head, or around my heart, or around my man. (I used to feel that way 100% of the time, 24/7.) Love the heck out of the wall! Love the wisdom and strength that it has for you somewhere deep inside. Because somewhere in that terrible feeling is the seed of a better feeling. When you’re Riffing and you feel that wall in front of you, just love and accept it. And just keep doing that EVERY time it shows up. I promise you’ll start to have more and more moments of freedom from it.

  6.  #6Reshi on November 11, 2008 at 9:53 am

    Your situation and mine are so similar, too. Maybe not on the outside, but when I read your posts, I feel a lot of my own “stuck” emotions. For me it’s being afraid to break through into freedom, when freedom is really what I WANT on a deep level…and it’s ultimately not about our men at all, it’s about us. What our men are doing is a symptom.

  7.  #7Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 10:32 am

    Thanks Reshi for your post and your insight….you are so right! When I read your posts I have often felt that we are in similar situations in that we are in the same household with the men that we do still love. I love how you said that the wall is “in front of me, or around my head, or around my heart, or around my man” – I feel exacty that same way! It’s like it is in front of me and I can’t get around it no matter which way I try to go….it is around my head and for me that means my thoughts and in the literal sense I have even been getting headaches lately and I NEVER used to get headaches…..it is definitely around my heart because even now that things have been so good with Charles I am so afraid to trust that it will stay that way. He just left this morning for work and will not be back home until Friday perhaps Saturday and I cried after he left for work because I wanted to either go with him or have him be home working on the house with me. I so hated to see him go but I would never tell him that! Things have been that good, loving and peaceful but I still don’t feel safe – I don’t mean physically. Each time things get better he ALWAYS does something to destroy the little trust that has been built back up or my feeling of security and emotionaly safety in not knowing what is going to happen. That wall is even around him because I truly believe that he is terrified of emotional intimacy….even when we make love it is ALWAYS on his terms and it is always all about him in every way….actually everything in our lives is all about him come to think of it. He really can’t even talk about his TRUE feelings about anything…be it even a rock…he is that closed off to allowing himself to FEEL anything at all….sometimes I wonder if he feels anything at all about anything other than beer.

    I don’t know…..Perhaps that wall is me?? The freedom that you mentioned for me is wanting to be able to be free to be ME and be loved for just being ME. I don’t want to be ‘free’ from Charles though..I do love him and so want things to be the way that they were and have been lately but I am so afraid of the rug being ripped out from underneath my feet again because that always happens as a result os his behavior. I will try to love that wall and see where it leads me – like you said…somewhere in that wall is a seed of a better feeling.

    Thanks Reshi….you are a blessing and you are definitely in my prayers! With love and a huge hug….

  8.  #8Rori Raye on November 11, 2008 at 1:02 pm

    Oh – what beautiful, beautiful comments – you are all gurus. All light. Thank you for sharing yourselves with me and each other. Love, Rori

  9.  #9Rori Raye on November 11, 2008 at 1:06 pm

    Cassandra – I’m going to jump off this into another post – TRAUMA happens when we are caught in a painful, frightening, life-threatening situation where we are HELPLESS to fight or to flee.

    You are feeling stuck and Traumatized. This is from your background. Right now, though – you are not helpless.

    Please sit down and write some lists about the options you actually DO have right now – even if they feel impossible. Love, Rori

  10.  #10Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Thank you Rori for addressing this. ia m not sure why ‘traumatized’ did not come to my mind in descirbing my feelings but that is definitely right on! I have made some lists of options that I DO have right now and even though to me it seems small it does make me feel better. I know that once I have a job, I will feel as though I have my own power back to do what it is that I want to do even though I don’t yet know what that is…just knowing that I have that power back in my life will make a huge difference for me. I will send you my list of options so that you can go over it if that is ok with you? Thanks again Rori…..I am so not sure what I would do without you and your work. Thank you for doing what you do.

    With love and hugs…

  11.  #11JP on November 11, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    Rori, Cassandra – Yes, trauma and walls – I so agree, I relate to that! I felt traumatised and helpless last year, I didn’t know what to do. I kept searching for the magic answer and I blamed myself for being stuck. Yes, the past had definitely traumatised me and I reacted to my fear of loss in the same way I did when I was a little girl. The awful thing was – I sort of knew that but didn’t know how to change until I used the baby-step tools and found they worked. Also the relationship tools (Leanback etc.) – though they felt weird and scary at first.

    I’m so curious about your wall, Cassandra – but then I’m a visual person, so I’m always tempted to picture things, allowing an image to come up spontaneously. I don’t know if this will be of any help, but maybe if you picture it, you will find that in time there is a way through, or over, or under, or by dismantling. Or maybe you don’t have to do anything, its power will fade, like Reshi says. What’s it made of? Maybe it’s stones (how big, what shape) or maybe it’s flowers, or photographs, or a mix of things – people even. What does it feel like – hard, soft, thick, thin, squashy, dry, wet etc.

    Rori, I’m looking forward to your post on Trauma. I’ve done a lot of work around that and I’m really interested in your approach.

    Thank you!
    JP x

  12.  #12Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 4:39 pm

    JP…thanks for your post and for your input. I loved what you had shared with Andrea and could relate to all of it. I would love to know more details about how you got thru or around your wall.

    My wall is concrete and goes forever to the right and forever to the left – it is so tall that I can’t see the top of it and of course it is super hard and seemingly impenetratable – it makes me feel closed in like I am locked in this huge box that I can’t get out of. I love how you said that like Reshi’s perhaps its power will fade….I do hope that to be the case and I am so hoping that as I work thru Rori’s tools that day by day…minute by minute pieces of it start to fall or fade out and I can find a way through it….I am willing to dig if I have to. I know that this is much much bigger than just my relationship with my fiance’….I do know that this is a lifetime of ‘stuff’ that I have to get around or over or under as you said but I also know that once I do that…..that wall is gone forever! YAY!! 🙂

    I am also soooooooo looking forward to Rori’s post on trauma. I know that it will help me through/ over or under this wall and perhaps even heal my heart so that I can be whole for ME and thereby perhaps even heal this relationship??? 🙂

    With love and hugs….

  13.  #13Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 4:52 pm

    Here is the list that I wrote down about the options that I do have…..

    -I can create a daily routine for myself that is good for me
    -I can continue to eat right
    -I can continue to work out and add weights to my workouts
    -I do have the freedom to focus totally on ME and getting thru this right now at least until I can find a job
    – I can do some of the things that make me happy like making Christmas ornaments & gifts & decorating the house for Christmas
    -I can continue to actively look for jobs that will pay me what I need to support myself again
    -I can try to put a little money aside each week into a ”moving fund”
    -Once I have a job I can decide if I want to move and if I do move out then decide if I am ever coming back (right now I am not sure that if I do move that I will be able to ever come back because I think that it would hurt too much knowing that I had to leave our home)
    -Once I have a job and enough money to move I can decide if I want to continue this relationship or move on
    -I can get back into singing, recording, and writing again
    -I can get back into leading Praise and Worship
    -I can try to meet new people and create what I did back in the city from which I had moved
    -I can get back into my salsa dancing
    -I can dream about Charles and I getting married one day if things stay the way that they have been
    -I can continue to look into new career paths that may be fulfilling to me so that I can eventually make a change
    -I can continue to work on my business and grow that little by little
    -I can continue to try to focus on staying a pond…on receiving
    -I can continue to try to keep my focus on ME
    -I can continue to journal and work Rori’s tools to get to where I am over, under or thru that wall and feel free to be me again
    -I can try to let go of the hurt and anger that I feel toward Charles

  14.  #14JP on November 11, 2008 at 4:56 pm

    Thank you Cassandra! Hugs to you too 🙂

    I keep trying to log off and have already said nighty night in another post (nearly midnight here) but here I am again – lol! I wanted to respond to your post.

    My wall is still here but now it’s ‘just a place’. It was a cold, smelly, dripping slimy cave that became a tunnel. It was dark and hard. Now I can touch the walls – they are sandy and ferns grow from them. It’s warmer, the dripping water is soothing. It FEELS so different. I can walk out or go back in – if I hit an anxiety attack I’m back in the old tunnel but can transform it into the new one. A lot of this happened by itself, though I now use the image-altering technique in an active way. I also practise when I’m feeling ok or good.

    Great to hear back from you Cassandra! Look forward to hearing more. Back tomorrow.

    Right, I’ll try the night night thing again…
    Sweet dreams everyone! 🙂 xxxxxxxx

  15.  #15Cassandra on November 11, 2008 at 7:39 pm

    I am absolutely crushed right now in that I just found out that Charles has signed up for a website that is for people who are either married or engaged or in a committed relationship but want to have an affair. He has signed up for the service to meet other women to have an affair with and has even emailed several of them. He found out about this site yesterday when he was home – he did not have a trip for yesterday and therefore did not leave until today – he had been watching the Tyra Banks show about that controversial website and how it is devastating people’s lives. He has signed up for a 10 day free trial and I know that it is absolutely his intent to move forward with anyone… or should I say anything that will respond to him as all of the women that he emailed are apparently within 10 miles or so from where we live.

    Rori….I do not know what to do. I am totally stuck in this house….our home with him and I have poured my heart and soul into this house and love it here…..but I am stuck until I can find a job and get out of here. I have been so stupid! How can I even think of trying to make things work with him? How can I even think of staying with him even for a moment? What do I do when he gets home? What do I say? How do I act? I have to pretend that everything is ok don’t I? At least until I can move? I cannot take this anymore. I am so emotionally crushed….devastated right now that I can’t even think straight. I cannot take this anymore and am crying to the point that I can’t even breathe…..my head hurts….my chest hurts…..all of me is hurting so bad right now….everything is so dark.

    I don’t even know what to do Rori….I made my list of the options that I do have but now that is all changed. what is so wrong with me that he had to go and do this??? I don’t get it. I really do not know what to do now and can’t even stop crying…he is supposed to call me in a few minutes to ‘tuck me in over the phone’ as we do every night when he is gone…..all of that after contacting several women who are low enough to cheat on the men in their lives….he is on that same level and I am so much above that….I don’t even know what to say to him when he calls. Any advice that you can offer would help me so much…I can’t even think right now. I really don’t know what to do….as you stated earlier…this is absolutely traumatic and I simply can’t handle this.

  16.  #16alias girl on November 11, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    I am very sorry Cassandra. I think your safety and well-being are your first priority. Maybe make a new list of options? keeping in mind and knowing what you now know and keeping in mind WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU. You always have the opportunity to confront him about your discovery. You can do it now while you are under emotional duress or you can do it at another time. But now you have more information about the reality of this man you are with. My heart goes out to you. You are stronger than you know and there are unseen forces who will support you. YOU are your number one priority in the decisions you make. You can make strong healthy decisions to support your well-being.

  17.  #17JP on November 12, 2008 at 4:53 pm

    Hey Cassandra – I’m stunned reading your last post – wondering how you’re doing today? I feel so angry! And perplexed too.

    You don’t have to pretend anything. I hope you’ve got a girlfriend there for you, and the chance to kick the hell out of a pile of cushions, scream, & cry, and find your strength again.

    I feel furious that you can’t stay in your lovely home, pack HIS bags and leave them neatly on the doorstep for when he returns – but I don’t know your circumstances.

    Hope things are changing for you! X

    Where is everyone tonight?? It’s lonely blogging all by myself! And it’s my bedtime again…. You’re all probably just getting in from work or shopping. Catch you soon, nighty night & hugs xxxx

  18.  #18Rori Raye on November 12, 2008 at 5:36 pm

    Cassandra, tell us all, please what you’ve been able to actually speak to him about all of this, and what he’s said.

    Then – you KNOW you must drop this man if he doesn’t shape up, and yes, you’re terrified. First things first – get yourself a job. Get some money coming in. Until you have your own money and sense of security, you’ll stay terrified. Try anything – telemarketing, receptionist, multi-level internet marketing, elderly companion – anything. Hit Craig’s List and just get some money coming in. Perhaps we can all help you with ideas for that.

    Then – you have to sink into your feelings (as per Modern Siren) – and get to the point where you are not so terrified of your terror. Go there, live through it, and you’ll feel better. Love, Rori

  19.  #19Cassandra on November 12, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    Rori…He does not know that I know he signed up for the sight and I honestly I am afraid to tell him that I do know. He will turn things around telling me that I did something wrong by finding out about it – he will absolutely get defensive. This is waht he does when he is caught with the murder weapn in his hand so to speak. It can be right there in his hand – clear proof – and he will get mad at me telling me that I am the one that has done something wrong and be extremely defensive so I have not addressed this with him at all. He is not going to shape up Rori…I know that for a fact. He has lied to me about other things and he is simply not an honorable, trustworthy man….period. He of course has not addressed the situation as he does not even know that I know about it. Interestingly, he did contact 2 women early this morning but has not been on that website for the rest of the day even though he had alot of downtime in the truck today and he also called me twice just to check on me and acted as though nothing has even happened. He was loving, caring and attentive on the phone and acted as though things were normal.

    My plan was to simply continue to do everything that I can to get a job and get some money put aside to move and once I have enough – I will just move – with no telling him when I am moving or to where. He will come home one day and me and my things will simply be gone.

    I don’t know how I am going to ‘pretend’ that everything is ok until I am able to move though. That is the hard part.

  20.  #20tina on November 12, 2008 at 10:06 pm

    Oh Cassandra, I am so sorry,
    I have a dull ache in my heart just racing through what you wrote. My gut advice is a bit like Rori’s. Please apply for any job, just part time, sell cosmetics in te mall, be a receptionist in an office. This will help so much, getting up. dressing up, having other men look and interact with you, buying yourself something pretty during lunch etc. Making new girlfriends to go out with, so occasionally you are not there for the good night tuck call.
    Please keep walking through this foggy feeling, there is sunshine on the other side, remember baby step by baby step.

  21.  #21Cassandra on November 13, 2008 at 2:27 pm

    You guys are awesome! Thank you so much for all of your loving, caring, encouraging posts. This blog is kind of my saving grace right now as all my friends are back in the city from which I moved. You all have taught me so much and I am thankful for all of you…especially you Rori. I really do love you guys!

    I have been kind of ‘falling back’ into my feelings and Rori you are right…I am feeling better. I don’t feel nearly as hurt now just pissed! Charles got home late last night and I was already in bed so at least I did not have any interaction with him last night and that felt good to me….it felt peaceful in my spirit when I had been expecting conflict of some sort ….I am happy that did not happen. He has been home all day today and things have been as usual….normal…peaceful and as though nothing has changed which on one hand is a good thing for me in that there is no conflict but on the other hand I want so badly to bring it up…to ask him why? But I also realize that he is not going to be honest about it and certainly is not going to change. I feel so differently now when I REALLY look at him…..I feel yucky…..I feel that I can’t trust him or what he says at all…..I feel disgusted by him in a way yet a part of me loves him even though he is REALLY bad for me. This totally sucks and is so not fair! Things have seemed so great lately….he has been loving and attentive and caring and affectionate…wonderful really and then he goes and gets on that site. Interestingly he has not been back on the site since yesterday morning even though he had a whole lot of free time yesterday in the truck – he did not go back to it. My best friend says that she thinks that he got curious, signed up and then realized how wrong and awful that is and stopped……Is she right? Am I wrong? Could that be the truth? No….it can’t be because he did indeed contact other women on the site but the other night and yesterday morning….so NO…that cannot be the case. He had/ has a definite agenda and would follow thru with it if given the chance. I want so badly to confront him but what good will it do me? He will simply deny it or turn things around and say that I did something wrong so why even say anything. I am feeling confused…foggy….heavy….my head hurts and feels so heavy…..like I am carrying weights around my head……as though I can’t really see straight in that he did what he did…… and then told his mother the same night he got on that website that he is going to marry me for sure – she told me that last night! HELLO! What makes him think that I even want to marry him now? I feel murky….kind of like being in a pit full of mud….cold…..wet….dirty and so wanting to get warm and clean and dry.

    I simply don’t get it…..I have been under the waether all day today and he has been taking care of ME all day. WHY? WHY now? I don’t get it I don’t get it I don’t get it…he even told me that he loves me this morning. I DON”T GET IT!

    Oh…..there were two new positions on the job boards today so I applied for both of those and printed out several copies of my resume to take to the mall this weekend so at least I can try to find something to get me out of my head. It’s a start but those jobs will definitely not support me enough to move out…but again…it’s a start.

  22.  #22alias girl on November 13, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    good work cassandra. you are doing great. i am so proud of you.

  23.  #23Cassandra on November 14, 2008 at 11:42 am

    Thank you Alias Girl! 🙂

  24.  #24Kristina-Liban on November 16, 2008 at 4:32 pm

    I Love you for every word you send me Rori. & Thanks So much for all the work & “changes” you’ve done”without U Noticing it” in every woman in this world who “gets to you”..
    I am a simple True Lebanese Woman Who simply Adores Mr Obama _&Not only for his Charms & Beautiful Sight ;)- But Also For hopefully :”The Changes” you were talking about.
    Since now, in the US, you are “Living” One of the things we’ve been through (in this Xtian Beautiful Little Country of ours (Lebanon) :.. Your Economic Crisis (sorry but (coming from your hands ) & Not Via the Wars .. i sincerely hope that one of you & your esteemed readers & commentors would “Get it “.. : it IS so (damn) Frustrating & Downlifting to any Kind of Woman in this World to be “Able” to keep up with her Living & her Lifestyle without ever noticing the value &/or the NEED to be surrounded by her man,or perhaps even Protected (for all the reasons you might see or not) by Her MAn.
    So, Being Totally independant & Not needy (as u state constantly Over & over in your newsletters (which by the way are the only treasures i so Preciously keep, read & try to comment upon ) but with the slowliness of the wiring here, its been impossible,until now ! & Am So Glad Happy & Ecstatic (i dont know if i spelled That right ) But i truly & sincerely would Love you to reply to my honest yet sincere Letter which includes :
    1* taking into consideration that all women (coming from an Arab/ Traditional Place &+ Highly Educated …) Does RELY on every Man since Childhood (Her father, then Brother.. then yes Boyfreind (since we are Xtian & )
    2* Even if i were Not Living in a Middle Eastern Area, i As a FEMALE”would Love to “Count” on the MAn who wants to be near me.. oof course!.. & Y NOT !?..
    3* whiever country you live in : Women are rarely “Remunerated” (even with PHD or MAster Degrees AS MEN.. EVerywhere Around THE GLOBE !!!

    So what is it with you : Being “Fulfilled” “CONTENT” & un-nEEDY” We Can Lay on our Men’s Shoulders without even :Working”. & So Why NOT!>. why do we have to :
    1- Be Complete, WHOLE, & fulfilled &
    3- WHy Not Commit ourselves via “pro-Bono, Cultural enviromental &/or Health & BE FULFILLED Like This ! Rather than “LOSING OUR FEMINITY TRYING TO “KEEP UP with MEn..?.. (wow, i Work, Get Stress, come back hysteric or even worse !:… PMSing!) & Say “Bouhou, i cant find a Man in my Life” or.: “Noone wants to be with me!” (Coz YES…NoBody Wants a “competitor” with him..i guess.. ) .. anyway, this is how i feel . So My Question To You Dear Roi… :
    TEACH US PLEASE :”HOW TO LEAN ON OUR MEN” IF WE COME from a solid traditional background as i am .
    Many Thanks.
    From Beirut-Lebanon (one of your most faithful readers)

  25.  #25Caj13 on November 17, 2008 at 5:28 am

    To all of you who have a wall : Maybe this wall is really keeping the bad things away from you. What about turning around, putting your back to it? Once it’s no longer blocking your vision, you can look out on the vast and beautiful world and just go anywhere and everywhere you want. (If it’s encircling you, duck under it.)

    Cassandra – maybe a holding position for you would be to create a space for you in that place you’re living (seems impossible to call it a home) until you get out. Best would be a separate bedroom. And if there’s only one, you keep it for yourself and he sleeps on the couch (just do it, no asking, negotiating etc). There’s no sense trying to be ‘fair’ (he’s paying so he gets the best etc) – this guy’s all about himself, masculine mind-set, and that will only acquiesce to strength (you need it, you take it).

    Easier said than done, but try to avoid explaining. Maybe it’s okay to mention YOUR needs (for personal space, time out, to get organized…) but not anything you need or want from him. Look back over the ways of saying your feelings – murky, uneasy, foreboding whatever – but also remember that you can just walk out of the room.

  26.  #26Rori Raye on November 17, 2008 at 12:04 pm

    Kristina-Liban – Thank you so much for your letter. I am so aware that we women have intense struggles still all over the world, and in today’s economy things are even more challenging, and that culturally, your relationship reality is very, very different from ours here.

    And here’s my take: I believe in the power of women. I believe, and it’s actually all laid out in the early Greek play Lysistrata, where women effectively stop war, that as we women group together, band together, and apply the power we actually do have, everything will change.

    In the United States, and all over Europe, women have been property, just as still exists in so many places around the world. Women have been at the receiving end of all kinds of violence and restriction.

    We overcame this in substantial ways in Europe and America, and in many countries around the world. And, if we are all to survive on this planet – you will overcome this wherever you live. I encourage us all to get involved in women’s global initiatives for peace – there are many staggering examples of what women have accomplished in creating peace and harmony in small pockets of the world, and I see a growing movement out there now, building on those small examples.

    Now – for YOUR life, in your current circumstances. Because you are, in many ways, forced to rely on a man for many things – what you want to look for in a man, number one, is kindness. And number two, his ability to provide, if that’s what you need and cannot, in your present society, do it yourself. After that, my Tools work in all situations, because they’re about developing BOTH your Masculine and Feminine energies and using them to SERVE YOU. Love, Rori

  27.  #27Cassandra on November 18, 2008 at 7:21 am

    Thank you Caj13 for your insight…..you ad some great ideas. It’s interesting in thatlately – I guess for the last 3 weeks or so – things are great. he is loving, attentive, caring, playful and it is like it was before I moved here. I don’t know what to think. It is hard for me to enjoy him like this because of all of the underlying stuff…..like me having to move…..like him getting on that horrible website – which by the way he has not been on since my last post about it. That in itself has me confused. I really don’t get it. I feel that until I can move, I want things to be as calm and peaceful and loving as they can be so I have not moved into the other room or put him on the couch BUT I am not intimate with him anymore. I don’t feel that I can be and be safe either physically or emotionally. That totally sucks but I can’t allow myself to go there becasue for me that involves my heart. I have been really under the weather these last few days and he has taken wonderful care of me which again is wonderful but has me realy confused. It makes me want things to work out with us again and then I have to literally remind myself of all of the horrible things that he has done to me. It seems taht when he is home lately things are great but when he goes back out on the road he does all of these horrible things like the website. He has been home with me for the last few days but left this morning so I guess we will have to see what he does while he is out on this run. I hate to say this but I am totally expecting him to be back on that ‘affair’ site. I hate that I am expwecting that but perhaps I am protecting myself.

    Thanks again for your insight Caj13. 🙂

  28.  #28Caj13 on November 18, 2008 at 8:43 am

    And protect yourself you must. It SEEMS as if you’re completely at his mercy (no job, he wants you to leave when you have nowhere to go etc;), and I understand how you don’t want to rock the boat. And the opposing signals – it’s as if, knowing you were hungry, he offered you a delicious dish and then spilled it on the ground, so you had to either grovel or starve. But you don’t have to do either.

    Nobody knows what his agenda is, and probably his words wouldn’t help you understand anyway. But you know that it is unacceptable to you. Maybe if you remember the principle ‘don’t take it personally’. Refuse to accept that what he does concerns you personally, because you are not available for being on the receiving end of his hurtful behavior. And altho’ you allow yourself to accept the good stuff, you just take it as proof that even some toxic personalities can be inspired to show caring in the presence of vulnerability, because all the niceness has been sullied by his ambiguous, underhanded ways.

    I hope you’ve been out getting positive feedback from your to do list – singing would be such an upper! (Can’t sing myself, but am thinking of taking lessons to help get my feeling voice back. I get such a thrill from watching people make music together, their special interaction.) Do you know about meetup and meetin – they’re not dating sites, but for people to hook up about all sorts of things, in cities and towns all around the globe.

  29.  #29Cassandra on November 18, 2008 at 9:26 am

    You are soooo right Caj13! The problem is that all of the good things that he does and how he has been wonderful lately here at home DOES get to my heart and then I start to wonder stupid things like…..’well….did he go on that ‘affair’ site just out of curiosity?…..would he REALLY hook up with someone else?……..could things REALLY be ok with us again and could I ever trust him?……maybe if I keep on the path that I am on for ME..we can be ok and he will change…..’ these are the kinds of things that go through my head when he is home and since things have been so damn great. I have to remind myself of the horrible things that he has done…over and over. I know in my head that he is NOT going to change. I hate that I think these things…..I hate that these feelings even ever enter my head! He has even still been telling me over these last few weeks that we ARE going to get married and that maybe when I do get a job and it comes time for me to move that he may have a change of heart and just have us go to the justice of the peace right then so tghat I don’t have to move. HOW INSANE IS THAT?! The thing is is that even if that did happen – I would not marry him right now anyway. Too much has to change before that would happen but I DO want those changes to happen and for us to get married once the changes have happened…here is the thing though……HE is not going to change. He is who he is….period. I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY! I don’t want to want him….i don’t want to love him…I don’t want to enjoy his company these last few weeks since he has been so great. I don’t want to want these things anymore but I do and I don’t know how to NOT want them anymore. I feel like I am not moving forward in the Self Esteem process like everyone else and I feel so stuck. I am still workiing through all of the steps but somehow it is not sinking into my head. I feel great about myself when I am doing the steps but as soon as he comes home and things are great as they have been I am back to wanting HIM and our life together again. it is almost like it goes in one ear and out the other with me. I am so frustrated right now.

  30.  #30Cassandra on November 18, 2008 at 9:48 am

    I just read through all of my posts on this topic of change and got so angry! All of the pain and hurt and anger that he has caused came rushing back into me and it feels like I am drowning…..Like I am in a car that is going under water and you can’t get out….it feel scary and dark and so cold….physically right now I am freezing….my hands and feet are like ice right now and I am covered in goosebumps……my head still feels so heavy but I think that is because I am still not feeling well…..I have been under the weather now since Thursday and it just occurred to me that perhaps this is all connected? Maybe my body is mirroring what my soul…my heart is feeling? ……It feels good to me that my body is that in touch with my heart and my feelings….it feels good to know that perhaps even though I feel horrible that my body is somehow trying to protect me too?…is that possible? why wouldn’t it be…..If I really think about it it is kind of cool that everything is connected that way…..I am totally exhasuted…..I got myself together this morning to go and do my ‘normal routine’ and I just feel so tired that I can hardly move…I can’t seem to get enough sleep lately…maybe my body is telling me that I justneed to STOP and take care of me but I FEEL guilty not doing anything….I feel if I am not on the computer every day or out looking for jobs in person that I am not doing good enough with that…..I feel that I am letting myself down if I don’t look for jobs all day every day because that I feel is my ticket to strength right now…..If I take a nap then I being lazy in taking that time off but I am so tired that I can’t seem to get enough sleep…I am still having trouble breathing…my lungs feel so tight and closed as though I am trying to breath to a teeny tiny straw and can’t get enough air…..my eyes hurt because of the pressure behind them and even my teeth hurt…the top ones hurt when I clench my teeth…..I want to relaz and take care of me but I feel guilty if that means time away from looking for jobs or getting our home back on track..I have done nothing with the house since Wed. of last week as I have felt horrible physically so now I have to get the house back to near perfect…..cleaning makes me feel good it makes me feel productive but I don’t even have the energy to make my bed….Ifeel weak and my whole body is shaking even Charles has commented on that a fewtimes when he was home with me..that I am skaking pretty badly and he asked if I am ok….he has been taking wonderful care of me since I have been under the weather but It also makes me mad…..why now? My earlier posts made me so angry that he has hurt me like this and stolen my whole life! I hate him and I want to hate him right now…it feels good to hate him right now…..it feels strong to me right now…it feels like I can distance him to some degree right now….I don’t want to want him….I want ME back…I want to be that woman that I was before I came here…I want her back as I was closer then to really loving myself then I am now even doing all of Rori’s steps..I feel like a failure….like i have given ME to him on a silver platter to hurt and mame and abuse however he wanted to and it hurt me thatI have done that to me…that I have put myself here in trusting him…that I trusted him even though I tried so hard to look at his actions not just his words…..at least I care about me though that is a good thing. I am going to take a nap right now and when I wake up I hope that I will feel lighter and better in every way. I want to tuck myself in like I would a little girl that I love so dearly and let her sleep and rest…..that feels good to me and I am even going to HUG MYSELF before I lay down.

  31.  #31alias girl on November 18, 2008 at 6:26 pm

    you’re doing awesome cassandra. maybe in regards to your job search just set a limit. ie. i will spend x amount of time on the computer in search of jobs and then i will send x amt of faxes and thne that’s it. i will rest and lead a balanced life. otherwise your are what’s the phrase diminshing returns or something. maybe and hour on the computer and five resumes sent per day. and then thats it. or whatever is reasonable to you. i know you want immediate result s but things take whatever time they take. in the meantime take care of yourself.

  32.  #32Caj13 on November 19, 2008 at 11:29 am

    Hi Cassandra,
    I hope that nap did you good. You’re right about the health of your body telling you things, so taking care of your physical needs is really important. What if you didn’t get a job because you looked so frazzled after skipping a needed nap? It’s not wasted time, but time well invested. Alias girl has good suggestions, too, about limiting those specific job-hunting actions. So many jobs are actually found through connections – ordinary networking, not just knowing people in high places. So once you’re feeling better (tho I think this might help you feel better), set aside time everyday to do the date-yourself thing by looking for non-employment occupations that you enjoy doing and where you could meet other people – men and especially women, to find a real-live friend close to hand. I feel your isolation – moving is such a hard thing even in the best of circumstances, much less to a place you know no one. Another idea: even tho’ you’re not ready to move out yet, how about starting to look at some places and check out neighborhoods, especially as you aren’t familiar with this city. This will get you projecting into the future, but with concrete details to latch onto. Maybe an area you especially like will get good vibes going that will bring you more luck around there.

  33.  #33Cassandra on November 21, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    Thanks Guys! I am really trying to balance things a little more and give myself some time away from the job search. You guys are wonderful!

    Love and hugs…