Emma Watson And Feminism At The United Nations

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I loved this.

1. About Emma personally that is so helpful to see (for me): She’s totally, completely in her emotional self. She’s shaking, clearly nervous and anxious – and she doesn’t try to hide it. It adds power to her presentation. And credibility. Instead of making her look weak, it makes her feel strong to us.

 2. What she says about the world (again, for me): There can be no human justice or sense in the world until: Women and men have equal value in the world, and equal pay in work.

This, then, is the dilemma we all face in “romantic relationships” –  “If I am strong and equal to men in the world – how can I sustain a romantic relationship? How can I get him attracted to me if I make more money and am unapologetic about my success in the world?

And the answer is simple: There is the world – and there is the relationship between two people.

In most ways – the same principles apply to both: Respecting the other person, being honest, forthright, straight-shooting, speaking from your heart and body.

The only differences are in “Decision-Making.” Deciding “Who’s in charge?”

Who’s in charge generally, primarily – and who’s in charge at this moment…

Can we be everything we are out in the world – and still drop our need to “make it happen” inside the relationship?

Would that really diminish us?

I don’t see it that way. I don’t see surrendering to our feminine selves as much as possible, whenever possible, as ANY kind of diminishment.

And yet – I can see men not “initially” taking Emma seriously at all, because she does not seem to be a “power-broker,” is not “manly” or forceful in a masculine way.

The thing is – power is so often effective in much more subtle ways than we “think.”

Behind the scenes – a “feminine approach” can often get MORE people engaged and onboard with an idea than a classic “strong-arm” approach. It’s effective in a “grass-roots” way.

In truth, power is held in the world by very few. Money is held and controlled in the world by very few.

Talking, and getting people onboard is only effective if it tips the balance – and, historically, this has happened many, many times – always shocking those who hold power.

History is full of revolution, and government coups followed by more revolution – and our evolution as a civilization depends on the movements that most represent love, freedom, and the good of “the people” taking hold.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what you, as a single human being can do to further respect, love and peace in the world – don’t count yourself out.

If not you, who?

If we look around, we’re all “us!”

The truth is – men are just fine with our success and power in the world. They just don’t like it when we attempt to wield power over THEM, personally.

They’re turned on by your money, your prestige, your power and boldness.

They just don’t want to be judged as “less” by you. In any way, about anyTHING.

Choose the words that mean something to you. “Feminism” is what I grew up with, and it’s still fine by me. “Gender Equality” is nice and clean and clear if you talk about how it applies.

Let all your energies loose – Masculine and Feminine – and find yourself choosing to be where you are.

Notice where you’re pushing like a man, trying to make it happen like a man – and where you’re simply knowing what feels best and most right like a girl.

Love, Rori

 

 

341 Comments

  1.  #1April Rose on September 24, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    “Notice where you’re pushing like a man, trying to make it happen like a man – and where you’re simply knowing what feels best and most right like a girl.”

    Thank you Rori.

    My ‘pushing’ can happen silently in my mind, in the form of subtle and not-so-subtle judgements and manipulation strategies.
    It has been going on far too long in a long-term ‘outgirling’ battle with a particular man!
    My work lies in being ever more aware when it’s happening, and choosing a tool to get into a different mode.



  2.  #2Natalina on September 24, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    April that is so great. It seems for most of us women that an awful lot of the pushing happens silently in our mind.

    yet, still has the same effect of pushing what and who we want away from us.

    thanks for sharing.



  3.  #3Mandy on September 24, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    This is so right on, Rori.

    I believe protecting one’s femininity and allowing it to flourish is a way to celebrate being a woman, and is revolutionary in and of itself. If we all let our femininity shine, imagine how things might go. We’d all be honest with our feeling but we would all express them in peaceful ways without blame.

    As for being in a relationship, I believe the tools for keeping your boundaries in tact, and taking space when you need it, allow for a woman to feel free and as though she is able to care for herself and make her own decisions, and therefore, she is empowered.

    I love this so much. When I think of how mysterious and genuine we are as women, I feel very excited and yet so calm and whole. It is exciting, and centering, because when you know where you are, you can gauge where you’re going to go…



  4.  #4Femininewoman on September 24, 2014 at 9:49 pm

    I am still building awareness around the pushing.



  5.  #5Indigo on September 24, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    Yeah I am also deconstructing the need to push, continuously.

    For me, it comes down to being confident enough in myself that I don’t have to. Being confident enough to “accept” what is going on, and then make the best decision for me and for what feels best, rather than trying to push things to be a different way.

    And I absolutely agree with Rori – a feminine way of being can change the world in very powerful and profound ways. You do NOT have to be forceful and assertive and take charge to make a difference.

    I know for myself I am being called to an ever more feminine way of being. The old “masculine” ways just aren’t working for me any more. And I’ve never felt more in sync with myself. And I know when that happens, I can do great things.



  6.  #6Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 12:52 am

    tonight I had a picnic date with Spirit…

    I have a special park (very quiet and secluded) and I asked if he wanted to have the picnic there…
    Picnic basket, table cloth…. sushi, salad and beer…
    Very Romantic –
    but he wasn’t as affectionate as he usually is
    When it got dark we walked into the woods and listened to the tree frogs and crickets… We had alot of fun!!
    When we came out of the woods he began talking about his religious philosophy again…
    which consists of the same conversation he’s shared many times… (exact same words)
    I must confess… I did not stay in Siren mode…

    Me: Spirit… why do you share the same philosophy with me… I feel like you are trying to convince me of YOUR way of thinking…

    More was said… I got fairly animated…

    ME: I believe The only way we can sustain our relationship is for Me to respect YOUR spiritual ideas
    and You to respect MY spiritual ideas (I’ve said this before)
    ME: I feel it’s important that you know I am not going to change my spiritual beliefs
    ME: I dont’ want to get my heart broken… If it’s important to you that I change you need to take a good look a this
    Him: I don’t want to get my heart broken either…
    and then he alters his stance to be more broad and inclusive (he does this when I stand my ground)

    I’m beginning to see a clearer picture of Spirit…
    as we are going into our 3rd month…

    He does like to carry on a monologue…
    I am probably sinsitive to this as my father did this and my sister does this also
    I do listen carefully and ask questions to understand
    which makes it more of a conversation

    I noticed tonight when I was sharing about working on a logo for a client he asked me several good questions and I felt he was really listening and interested… Next time I want to go into more detail and being MORE poetic with my answers…

    I was feeling anxious when he left…
    Me saying I’m NOT changing my spiritual beliefs was scary…
    he wasn’t as affectionate
    We did kiss, held hands… hugged
    BUT I wanted MORE affection
    that feels like my little girl needing HIM to fill ME UP…

    He was worried also…
    He text me when he got home
    Him: thank you for sharing your secret park with me and for listening to me.
    I text him: I’m so glad you like it…
    It feels good getting to know you more & more



  7.  #7Victoria on September 25, 2014 at 4:14 am

    Azure Blu,
    I am curious, is there any direct, practical consequence of you and him having different spiritual beliefs, that would make you incompatible, or is it more of a theoretical discussion (i.e. please accept me as I am, I do not want to be the one who needs to change)?
    A very good friend of mine, an ethnically muslim lady, is married to a muslim guy. Eventhough from the same background, he is more orthodox than her and would not eat pork. She, on the other hand, likes to eat pork. She was upset by his request not to eat pork, because he, in her words, violates another orthodox requirement – no alcohol, which she personally does not care about either way. They had some back and forth, but at the end of the day she gave in and would not eat pork at home or in front of him (and probably keeps quiet about an accidental piece of proscuitto here and there). I guess she decided for herself the relationship was more important than her beliefs.



  8.  #8Natalina on September 25, 2014 at 5:19 am

    Victoria and azure blue-

    The whole religion thing is something you will want to really create an awareness about- its one if those lifestyle things that can have a TREMENDOUS effect on the relationship.

    If you are uncomfortable with his spiritual “conversations” and discussions, you may want to open up discussion on what kind of roll this plays in his life and where you are and what you can both do to be happy I. The situation, or if it would actually be better to find someone with more similarities in belief as you do.

    For myself coming from a tight laced type religious view- sharing similar beliefs and being able to know -this is what we believe as a unit…. Has been important for me.

    So the gem in this scenario is that you get to she’d some light on this aspect of your relationship coming closer together.

    You said you approached it so un-siren like, yet I already know you are very in tune . From here just start scripting- and get clear on what you want to share with a partner etc.

    Love to you!!!
    Natalina



  9.  #9Indigo on September 25, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Azure Blu,

    I was very inspired by your scenario as, to me, this could represent any number of issues which are important to either person in a relationship, and on which they have differing views.

    You may have handled it in a way which you see as un-siren-like, but I think it is so great that you were so authentic and open, and ultimately vulnerable. I believe sometimes we do as much as we can to be sireny and soft, and then usually at the point at which it all gets too much for us, we get a little stronger or more assertive. I don’t think this is a bad thing, it is how you handle it that counts.

    For what it’s worth, I think he may have been slightly less affectionate because you guys were all in your heads, discussing “ideas”, but he came back to you, which is great.

    x



  10.  #10Natalina on September 25, 2014 at 7:03 am

    Indigo-

    Awesome observation regarding azure’s scenario- remember where affection thrives in a place where we are speaking from our feelings and not from our heads

    Brilliant!



  11.  #11Kath on September 25, 2014 at 7:06 am

    Hey Sirens,

    In my peaceful times in the house we shared, in which I am now on my own until I move to my own place on 7 days time (woohoo!- can’t wait!)- I have been grieving for the loss of the relationship but also looking at it as objectively as I can. I realise that once again I did not speak up as quickly as I should have done when I heard things or saw things or learned things about him which I found either unnacceptable or concerning. There were a lot of things that I made excuses for- like, oh, he’s just tired, stressed, he didn;t mean that the way it sounded etc etc but in the end, it was all him. Yes he did mean it the way he said it, no there were times when he really didn’t care about my feelings at all, and no, he wasn;t capable of giving me what I wanted. My stress levels have reduced dramatically in the last week and I am losing weight- not because I’m not eating, but because I am no longer using food as my emotional comfort. I feel really really positive about the future!!



  12.  #12Andrea on September 25, 2014 at 7:22 am

    Azure, I feel soooooo in tune with what you’re saying about when a man begins to wax prophetic about any topic… and goes on and on and on.. in his own solilique about what he’s so passionate about.

    My step dad did that too about religion and I would be forced (out of “respect”) to sit and listen and listen and listen until i felt claustrophobic. When a new man in my life begins to do that I feel so turned off and a little bit freightened… like… “Oh god, here we go again. And if I interrupt he’ll think I’m disrespectful, but if I stay and listen quietly I feel like my chest is caving in and I can’t breathe. I want him SHUT UP, Shut up, shut up!!”

    Only one time I found my own little siren solution. When my exboyfriend would go into some kind of speech mode… (I was just extremely attracted to him and almost always turned on, just being close to him)

    He’d start talking about that same old long winded subject, and I started taking that time to just lean back and admire the sweep of his jaw line, his rich full lips, his strong masculine neck, his broad shoulders… I would let my eyes sweep his face, lips, body, back up to his face… and get myself in such a slow subtle sensual frenzy that he could feel the sizzling energy between us… I might even start to touch myself… like, my collar bone, my hair.. I might even purse my lips and whisper… “whoo” … like.. man, it’s getting hot in here.

    Then he would stop and look at me suspiciously and say, “Are you listening to me?”
    Me: hmmm? Oh… uhm…. yessssss….
    and run my eyes past his lips again.

    Then he would grab me to him and plant kisses on me and squeeze me tight in his arms and we’d end up making love.

    With men I don’t like… honestly now… I just say, “Excuse me, I don’t feel like listening to this right now.”
    I said that to my step dad when I visited my last visit and he said… “Oh?… Oh.” And then we went on to talk about other things. Like… it was just his habit to go into religious speeches when he saw me. And when I pointed it out, he just… stopped.



  13.  #13Victoria on September 25, 2014 at 7:47 am

    Andrea,
    I connect so much to what you say. I am in love with a man, and I sooooo love listening to him, whatever he says. Sometimes I do not fully agree with what he says, or I am not very interested, but I just love listening to his voice, and looking at his face, and I would not dare to interrupt him because I am so in awe with how gorgeous he is…



  14.  #14Kim on September 25, 2014 at 8:18 am

    Azure this is very interesting…as your relationship moves into the ‘real’ territory, which I believe takes a feew months, these things are likely to come up and people start to drop masks/ get more honest about how they really fee.
    I admit, religion is a toughie, but it could be about any other issue such as age, politics, other women or men people are still attached to and won’t drop it….the key is to find out whether the relationship can move beyond that and I think you did really well ‘standing your ground’ now. What good is it to gett deeper into any relationship, maybe years, and then realizing: we can’t get it together for that reason.
    Too often did i make the mistake of not bringing things up and hoping they would magically disappear…and they never do, they just get bigger.
    I am impressed at how you handled it.



  15.  #15Kim on September 25, 2014 at 8:28 am

    As for me, I may be finding myself in a similar situation in some ways. MoM continues to move towards me, he started to say that he misses me when we are not together and he has already planned the weekend out, at least Saturday and went on and on about the food and drinks he will get today so we don’t have to do anything.
    He is, weather permitting, taking me on a day trip kayaking in the keys, the trip we didn’t get to do last time. It’s all for me because it is to a historic site and I know he would rather go fishing haha!
    Anyway.
    The cincher is this.
    Next week he took almost a week off. His sister is coming down here, and last year I was sad that he never introduced me to her…I assumed then (and I am sure about this), that the three of them, his ex (is friends with his sister), him amd sister did stuff together. We had a falling out just before, but nevertheless I know he was not planning on us meeting…

    Then, I still saw him as a potential forever man and we dated exclusively…before I realised he did not want the same things although he said he did.

    Now, the tables are turned. He keeps bringing up the relationship topic subtly, with a joke, like ‘so I am still not your boyfriend, huh?’ And so on. I never felt re-iterating my stance, and I have shared many many times what I want for the future.
    Now I don’t care whether I am meeting his sister or not, but I feel curious what is going to happen…he said one thing ‘my sister is only coming on Friday and I took thursday off already, maybe we can do something Thursday?’
    Which is interesting.
    I feel so curious but I am not going to bring the sister issue up, but I know that if this year he isn’t planning on us meeting again, that I would know for sure that dating him would be a kinda dead end, and I do believe it would bother me if he includes the ex with the sister and not me. I might conclude that, should that happen, I will stop dating him altogether.

    I had promised myself to only do this for as long as it feels fun and good and not icky. And I shall honor that.
    Of course, if we were committed, I would bring it up and try to find a solution, but as I am not invested, I would most likely just walk.



  16.  #16Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Victoria #7
    Thank you for sharing this story… it is helpful to hear how other couples navigate differences…

    At this point i’m not real clear about how much he does his religion…He reads the Bible, goes to church…
    It might be a BIG change for me to integrate into his life.. I DON’t agree with organized religion but I am Spiritual
    HIS religion is VERY important to him… He pursued me quite aggressively
    we had these discussions off and on…
    He is Sooo charming, kind hearted, positive, funny… many of the qualities I am looking for in my Mr. Right.

    I have mentioned in the beginning of our dating “wouldn’t if feel sooo good for YOU to be with a woman who believes like you do?” (meaning NOT ME)
    That is when he changes his narrow view of who will be in heaven and who won’t… to be more inclusive!
    LOL

    Maybe it’s a form of control…

    I was raised with a Mom who built GIGANTIC walls with her religion…
    NO ONE was EVERY good enough or prayed the right way or lived the right way…
    I have made it an important issue in my life to
    open MY HEART to my mother
    and show kindness and compassion and accept her just the way she is… we have a respectful, loving relationship after 10 years of ME changing my heart.

    BUT if it would be condimnation and constant badgering about how to live a godly life (his opinion) from Spirit…
    Sounds and feels like abuse to me



  17.  #17prplpsn28 on September 25, 2014 at 9:13 am

    🙂



  18.  #18Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:18 am

    Natalina,
    Darling Siren…
    Thank you for your insights!!! They are Sooo helpful.

    I feel good about asking him what would a relationship look like to him where he would feel honored and accepted and he would be practicing his spirituality every day.



  19.  #19Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Indigo #9
    Ahhh… thank you for your support …

    Yes. we have differing views on politics (complete opposites) and that is fine… I don’t feel
    belittled and attacked when we have those discussions… most times I listen and add to the conversation here and there…

    But his philosophy on religion gets into:
    HIM: In the Bible it says this…
    everyone else is WRONG
    and won’t be in heaven because they ARE
    Wrong… and I am RIGHT!!!

    Maybe he feels he needs to talk about this often because in his church they think drinking, hanging out in bars and dancing and sex before marriage is wrong…
    and HE does alll of that!
    This is a very interesting insight I am just now discovering…



  20.  #20Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Andrea…
    Thank you lovely siren…
    Such a wonderful Tool!!!

    I will try this for sure!!!
    Such a good way to open my heart in a sexy way!!!

    I also like the “Excuse me, I don’t feel like listening to this now.” Respectful… no discussion… no one is right or wrong… LIKE it!!!



  21.  #21Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Kim #14
    Ahhh… darling Siren… Thank you for your pat on the back!!! :->
    I love what you said here

    “the key is to find out whether the relationship can move beyond that and I think you did really well ‘standing your ground’ now.
    What good is it to get deeper into any relationship, maybe years, and then realizing: we can’t get it together for that reason.”



  22.  #22Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:52 am

    Kim #15…
    I urge you to practice!!!
    Practice asking for what YOU want with MoM…
    “It would feel good to meet your sister, What do you think?”

    This is YOU standing UP for YOUR little girl
    that deserves to know WHY!!!

    WHY a man who takes YOUR time and feelings
    and then sneakes (THIS IS SNEAKY) around…

    Please DON’T abandon HER (Your little girl) by just walking away…
    IT WILL BuILD Such TRUST for YOU
    IN YOUR HEART…
    WHICH IS HUGE for YOU finding
    YOUR Forever Man!!!

    I had a similar situation with KS- in April…
    We had dated exclusively for 4 months and
    then he just got mad and wouldn’t say much…

    HE finally decided he DID want to talk…
    and by then i was over it…
    I shared this on the blog
    and Feminine Woman said:
    do ME a favor and talk with KS and share MY feelings and listen to his…
    Me Taking exquisite care of ME…
    Cause I am SOOOO good at NOT expressing what I want and need… and running away…
    IT WAS THE BEST THING I EVER DID…
    A BIG shift happened in MY self esteem!!!
    IT Was magical!!!
    I LOVE YOU AZURE BLU… I won’t abandon YOU!!!
    I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!



  23.  #23Veronica on September 25, 2014 at 10:31 am

    From the previous thread:
    Indigo – 96 – : ) That’s wonderful how things happen like that!

    Millie – 99 – Oh now I’m with you – I had understood things rather differently.



  24.  #24Emerson on September 25, 2014 at 11:11 am

    Ah I’ve gotten do much better at not pushing…
    It used to come so natural to me..
    Now I think twice…
    I don’t wNt to be pushy…
    Sirens I may have a first date coming up soon….
    Remind me of any pointers that would be helpful..
    Lean back
    Good time to ask questions, nothing at stake (what should I ask?)
    Allow for silence
    Let him plan the date
    Pause before answering if you don’t know what to say
    Say how you feel
    Be lighthearted
    Have fun
    Wear a dress (?)



  25.  #25Sophie on September 25, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Jumping in as I’ve just watched this. Wow! She is so beautiful and you really can see alll her emotions, nerves, anger, humility, compassion, love, humour, humanity, and such honesty and authenticity and vulnerability, what a beautiful, powerful speech. It made me cry xxx Thank you for sharing Rori xxx



  26.  #26Natalina on September 25, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Emerson-

    Kristina Lane has a free report that talks all about first date magic- I would recommend going and signing up for it to get yourself primed !!!

    Good luck,

    Love,
    Natalina

    Find her at http://www.kristinalanerelationshipcoaching.com



  27.  #27Femininewoman on September 25, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Just to note also, that gender equality has not yet been achieved at the UN either.



  28.  #28Kim on September 25, 2014 at 12:42 pm

    Azure, wow I love the passion in your post to me. I was mulling over that. You are so right. We are both right.
    I was thinking…that I am now the one who doesn’t want a ‘full on’ relationship, but maybe I am also the one who is closing down here.
    I was thinking…if I am the one who is holding things back because she insists on what she thinks she deserves, he could say: ‘well, I want to be your boyfriend but you are not willing, so why should I introduce you to my family’
    And of course, the ex is in the mix ‘again’.
    That has also not been resolved in a way that makes me feel good, well it hasn’t been resolved at all.
    So I was thinking that ME loving ME would be not to sulk, or ‘share’ for the umpteenth time, but to remove myself again when things don’t feel good to ME. Perhaps because I shared it all a gazillion times before..and I see the sister thing just as another intimacy block – and he has blocked intimacy (maybe me too a bit) from day 1…by being hesitant, not moving things forward, never saying any clear words..and now I am kind of just having fun when I feel like it. And CDing.
    And I kinda feel like: he had his chances and how many more chances am I willing to give a man?
    If I keep feeling icky around the same issues, eventually I am sure I will feel so turned off that I won’t even want to keep him in my CD rotation anymore….
    I don’t want to be pushing anything anymore…in this case ‘sharing again’, I guess, would feel like ‘pushing’ to me…at this point.
    I want to see what HE does or doesn’t do. All *by himself*…I want to date a masculine man who is proud of me and wants to show me off…not keep old attachments and the past alive with his ex and all that. Been there so many times, and I really feel exhausted by the issue…after a year he asked me to be his gf – I was not interested in being his gf anymore. Nothing less than a ring is going to get me excited anymore with this man.
    There, I said it.



  29.  #29Emerson on September 25, 2014 at 12:47 pm

    Natalina I followed the link and found her site, I like it lots of good info! Didn’t see anything about first dates tho….



  30.  #30Kim on September 25, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    I do agree though, with asking for what we want and need generally…and I am bad at it, admittedly. Although, I also don’t believe in banging on about the same thing again and again…so maybe I will trust that it will be a positive experience and not like last year. If it turns out not to be, then I can still figure out what to do and say.
    Many things changed recently, for the better….



  31.  #31IamHis on September 25, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    This was stunning. I feel judgmental, and Rori already touched on the possibility of Emma not being taken seriously because of her feminine approach. I feel curious. I have a feeling she would be taken even less seriously if she weren’t so attractive, but I suppose that’s a human thing that both genders are guilty of.



  32.  #32Natalina on September 25, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Ah Emerson- She must not have posted it yet then… if you email her ask for her to send you the “What To Say To A Guy On The First Date” email tip.

    I went and looked and you are so right, it doesn’t look like you can get that yet- but I have read it and it is so fresh and brilliant if you just email her I am sure she will send it to you!

    Sorry for the mix up there- the tips she gives are all about how to break away from the uncomfortable norm on that first date.

    tell me how it works out for you!

    Love,
    Natalina



  33.  #33Christy on September 25, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    #15 – Hi Kim, I’ve been catching your posts about MoM quite a bit throughout the blog, so I hope you don’t mind if I comment. I hope you know I have nothing but love for you and want your happiness.

    You say, “Of course, if we were committed, I would bring it up and try to find a solution, but as I am not invested, I would most likely just walk,” at the end of your post, but this doesn’t feel true to me. You seem very much invested – especially since the two of you have been dating for a year.

    Your relationship with MoM is where it is. If you’re not invested, then you can appreciate where it is an expect nothing more. I have my own “MoM,” but I’m also CDing. I’m not interested in meeting any of my other CDs family nor do I even think about what they do when they’re not with me. I think this is the essence of being a goddess. Does a goddess care what the mortals are doing on earth? No. And she only hears them when they come to her temple and kneel for her attentions. A goddess doesn’t wonder if the mortal is going to introduce her to his sister. She doesn’t even acknowledge that the sister exists until the mortal brings her to the temple with him.

    I think it’s perfectly logical that you want to meet his sister. But there’s a level of honesty that I feel is not being met here. I feel your investment. And I think acknowledging that this investment exists might help you align your thoughts. Investing creates expectations. Having expectations keeps your from just “being.”

    I feel your heartache and your confusion. I send nothing but love your way.



  34.  #34Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    Kim… lovely, bright Siren…

    I could be wrong… but I thought you said
    You have never shared with MoM how YOU
    feel about NOT meeting his sister last year…

    Do you feel weak when you share, with this man YOU have know for a year, your authentic vulnerability?

    This topic feels like it has potential for bringing
    You and MoM true intimacy… What do you think?



  35.  #35Kim on September 25, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    Christy…sorry but – I don’t *want* to meet his sister. I want to be with a man who wants to introduce me to his sister, in order for me to consider him even a longer term CD OR boyfriend (which is what HE wants).
    I feel confusion from you…and sorry, but I also don’t believe in flowery talk..goddess etc. Just not me.
    I’d rather be a real woman than a ‘God’…



  36.  #36Kim on September 25, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    34 Azure..agree.
    we had a falling out days before the sister came…so it was moot last year…but there had been no plans.
    We had bigger issues to bring up lol.

    I am not going to bring it up before it happens…again, it’s pre-empting stuff that may/may not happen. I am at this point more likely to make my own plans with other CD’s that weekend, if nothing is mentioned.



  37.  #37Kim on September 25, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    I don’t feel worried over this, I was kinda just sharing the story…lol…feels like a mountain from a mole hill right now…



  38.  #38IamHis on September 25, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    It would feel good to talk about my pattern more if anyone’s interested or feel like offering feedback. When I am fairly well acquainted with someone in real life, and they show real interest, that’s when I feel scared & start shutting down, closing off, etc. I do it every time, & it feels so painful. I’ll be getting to know a guy, leaning back, feeling good, comfortable, fine, not clingy, just…content with the way things are. But then I share something vulnerable or he does or he looks at me or touches me a certain way that feels new or scary and I freeze the next time I see him. I want to avoid him. I start fault – finding in my head or physically run away from him and he always seems really confused. It’s not a matter of leaning forward on my part, it’s more me freaking out, freezing up, or shutting down when he is moving towards me and it feels like it might get real. Or I feel angry that it took him so long, or no matter what he does it doesn’t feel like enough, or I know about another girl paying attention to him and it feels hopeless for me. I feel like a huge romantic failure, a back – burner girl, a string-along, unwanted. I feel tired of being alone, but I don’t feel strong enough for dating. But at the same time I want a man who will adore me when I’m feeling unlovable, when I’m unemployed, when I put on a few pounds. My therapist said I need to love ME regardless of my weight or my job or lack thereof. So, I’m trying to love myself now. Unemployed and slightly out of shape. I’m forcing myself to go to the fitness classes that are technically already paid for. I’m trying to do at least 2 things to help myself professionally each day. That may not seem like a lot, but with depression, every little positive thing I do feels like a huge victory. I’m not going to give up no matter what!



  39.  #39Natalina on September 25, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    35: Kim (and Kristy)

    I chuckled a little when you said you dont believe in “goddess talk” because in reality, any woman being straight forward with what she needs as a “this is just me,” and OWNS that regardless of who they are around…

    THAT is the woman everyone wants to be around.

    so there are a million reasons why maybe he isnt setting up the whole family situation- but the only thing that really matters in the situation is how that sits for you.

    you can stay quiet and wonder silently what this is all about… and keep tally-ing up when it will be a deal breaker for you….

    or you can get really clear on what you are feeling and express that.

    from what I picked up in reading your posts I might say something like this:

    “wow, family is really important to me. Im feeling really confused because it sounds like you are WANTING to have a relationship with me, and I dont know what that means… what do you think?”

    and see what he says.

    there is a huge difference between being introduced to the people that are important to your guy and just MEETING them haphazardly…

    maybe this is a clue to draw back a little and evaluate.. “this doesnt feel good, I am feeling confused… that is really turning me off… and I want…”

    I would love to hear how it goes for you.

    Love,
    Natalina



  40.  #40Sophie on September 25, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    (((Iamhis))) I wanted to offer some support because you’ve asked for it and so openly and authentically. There seems lots and lots swimming round for you and it felt hard for me to unpick. I noticed that you said you feel tired being alone but you don’t feel strong enough for dating. Maybe that’s the place to start? I don’t know but you also say you are depressed so everything is going to be feeling harder and more of a struggle and you will naturally feel more vulnerable and maybe less available to the energy of others (and the energy of intimacy). It sounds to me though that you are doing some wonderful things, seeing your therapist, sticking with your exercise program, refusing to give up. I have suffered a lot at different times with depression and that tenacity has been a friend of mine. Gently, gently I would say. I think doing those things for yourself daily is HUGE. I don’t think that’s a small thing at all. Periods of depression can be vast healing grounds but they just feel so terrible at the time. Do you have other ways of seeking intimacy in small ways at the moment? Friends, children, pets, animals, groups, classes, walks in nature anything that helps you to feel slowly more connected and safe enough to have moments of opening of tenderness. I can’t know but it’s possible that the feelings you are explaining with men will lessen as your feelings about yourself and your life gradually shift?



  41.  #41Sophie on September 25, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Kath – Yaaayyyyy!!!! It feels so good to hear that you are feeling positive about the future and enjoying a shift in your energies.



  42.  #42Linda on September 25, 2014 at 5:31 pm

    This video caused me to feel weepy. The example she gave of how she was considered bossy at age 8 and her noting the changes in both genders over the next 10 years. Subtle bending to “fit” and abandoning ourselves to do it. This makes me feel so sad. I think of my grandsons and dont want them to be anything but who they are. I did not want that for my daughters either but I can see…my daughter who was into imagination and creative (who I encouraged and never required her to change) has become driven by logic and emotionally all closed up. She has become a peacekeeper at her expense and stuffer. This makes me sad too.

    I have a terrible headache tonight and I cant seem to shake it. It has caused me to feel sick at my stomach as well. I am glad I dont have the pressure of getting to work tomorrow. Good night ladies.



  43.  #43Kim on September 25, 2014 at 6:38 pm

    Natalina! Great post. Love your take on this. Resonates with me….thank you.



  44.  #44Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    ((((IamHis…)))))
    I feel very sad that life is feeling very painful for you right now…
    wondering if you can put your arms around YOU
    and give YOU a warm, gentle, loving hug!!!
    I am giving YOU a Hugggg right now.



  45.  #45Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    (((Kim))) #43
    :-))



  46.  #46Azure Blu on September 25, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    (((((Linda)))) #42
    I feel sad that you have such a painful headache that it is causing you to feel nauseated!!
    I am sending you warm, healing vibrations so you can feel peace and calm soon!!!



  47.  #47Indigo on September 25, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    Thanks Natalina 🙂

    Andrea & Victoria,

    I found myself in that situation with D last night – we got into a lengthy discussion about feminism (in part inspired by Emma Watson’s talk) and this is a topic he loves to discuss with me and hear my ideas on, and we went on and on, and I noticed that (of course) there wasn’t much affection going on, because we were fully in discussion mode…

    And it was almost a knee-jerk reaction for me to feel a little anxious about that. But I think for some reason, I think because I have developed such a comfort level with him, I just decided to let it go and enjoy the discussion. I could see that discussing in this way with me gave him such pleasure and made him feel so energized and fired up, so I just went with it. It actually felt good that we could connect on an intellectual level as well. Later on all the discussing died down and we settled into quiet cuddling mode, so it was all good. But interesting 🙂



  48.  #48Indigo on September 25, 2014 at 10:26 pm

    Like Andrea and Victoria said, he is someone I feel so turned on by, just being in his presence, and hearing his voice, and it was a turn-on to hear him getting passionate about what he thinks, and to hear him talk about (in the context of feminism) how men have an innate instinct to protect women…

    mmm….



  49.  #49Emerson on September 25, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    I feel unheard and I feel angry. I feel like I’m always running into glitches. I feel like I spin my wheels and things don’t work like they are supposed to. I feel sensitive about people giving me wrong information and I feel frazzled.
    I’m talking to a man on email that I met on eHarmony and he seems too good to be true.
    I don’t know. He wants to keep emailing but is rather meet in person. Should I suggest it? What do I say



  50.  #50Emerson on September 25, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    I feel curious why Natalia couldn’t just tell me what is in the article about first dates rather than telling me to email and go to this site yada yada…
    It feels frustrating.
    Sorry to be so prickly but I’m feeling very much on edge



  51.  #51Emerson on September 25, 2014 at 10:35 pm

    Dominique I always feel calmed reading your posts.



  52.  #52Victoria on September 26, 2014 at 12:07 am

    @ Kim 28
    Thank you for posting your thoughts, they are helping me for my own thinking, even though my situation is not identical, but I keep running into this again and again: I also say to myself “I want a man who does so and so [insert “introduce me to his sister”] whithout me having to ask him, or guide him, or manipulate him, or invite him, or whatever. I want him to do things that make me happy/validate me/confirm to me how important I am for him, just like that. Just because I am.
    Again and again, I find that it is easier to do the things that fill me up myself, rather than expect someone else to do it. I still feel lonely when I do it, and I long for connection more than for satisfaction of my needs.
    I do have a situation where I will try to talk to my man about something that I want him to do but he is not doing it. I will try to just be curious and find out where he stands. But I am so fearful that he will say something stupid and upset me, I am ready to cry before ever venturing to talk to him. So, it is very easy to close down.



  53.  #53Indigo on September 26, 2014 at 2:28 am

    ((Linda))

    I hope you are feeling better! x



  54.  #54Indigo on September 26, 2014 at 2:32 am

    Emerson,

    Some tips for a first date from me:

    * Smile, giggle, be gentle, open and warm
    * Be curious and open – seek to know and understand rather than to judge and label this man
    * Gush and melt and say thank you for any gentlemanly, chivalrous or caring behaviour
    * Wear clothes and make up which makes you feel like your best self
    * Lean back, in your body language, in your speech and in your energy – just receive
    * Talk about subjects which make you feel joy and passion, which make you come alive
    * State what feels good to you regarding details of the date
    * Smile some more!

    Hope it goes well!



  55.  #55Natalina on September 26, 2014 at 4:07 am

    Emerson-

    Wow, I very much get your frustration- I know how exciting and nerve wracking first dates can be, and I really wanted you to get the most support as possible.

    I knew Kristina has some great material regarding that specific topic, and while it isn’t mine to give I did want to make it known she has specifics for this topic and could be a great resource.

    No body likes a feeling like they are getting the run around, so I really apologize for that.



  56.  #56Linda on September 26, 2014 at 4:47 am

    thanks for the wishes to feel better. I am feeling better this morning with just a trace of pain in my head. I tried to sink into the pain to track where it might be coming from and I couldn’t. Sleeping it away was all I could do.

    I felt pretty restless at times in my sleep, I have been dreaming a lot. Nothing important just… like my brain is in constant motion. Kinda like leaving the TV on all night sooo annoying and bothersome.

    I got an email from P yesterday. A couple actually. Attachments of pictures of my dog that I loved so that passed this summer and a video of him too. Stirred me up a bit with his saying how that every time he sees a longhaired doxie he thinks of me and my dog and that we are both still loved and missed. I am however past the notion and desire of being in any kind of relationship with him.

    I relish the peace I feel in my life right now and have no desire to open up to anything that will disturb it. P is at heart a good-well meaning man. I am not sure if him sending these to me is a fishing expedition but I am not biting.

    Honestly,if I sit back and really consider opening up to him…I get this feeling of defeat and dread.



  57.  #57Femininewoman on September 26, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Linda funnily enough recently I have started remembering my dreams. Seem night after night I have been dreaming. This hasn’t happened in a long time. I even used to dream a long time ago about abuse from my mother. It had subsided and I had a dream about that one night this week.



  58.  #58Azure Blu on September 26, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Indigo #47…
    Ohhhh… just sooo fun!!!
    reading about your interaction and discussion with D and how you leaned back and enjoyed Him and all of it!!

    It was interesting for Me to read about how you became a little anxious about the affection part which reminded me a little of my discussion with Spirit…

    It is another part of a relationship that is important and can add to the love and respect for each other.



  59.  #59Femininewoman on September 26, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Emerson – first date advise.

    Go with an open mind. If you feel nervous find a time to express it. It is also a great time to ask “why are you not married yet” or something about what he thinks about the whole marriage issue; kids etc. Msaybe even the weirdness you feel about being on a dating site and what he thinks about it.

    If you talk about the regular humdrum stuff “what do you enjoy most about your job” “what do you do for fun” “what five things have you done in your life that you feel most proud of”

    If he brings up sex “why do you think sex exists” “what or who has most influenced your view of sex”.

    I believe in talking about difficult things that most people avoid. Early on. Especially if I have no expectations.



  60.  #60Azure Blu on September 26, 2014 at 5:55 am

    (((Kath))) #11
    I feel sad about your grief over the loss of your relationship…
    But
    You sound calm and clear about why you are moving on
    I feel you are Looking at ways you might want to speak up in future relationships and share what YOU do want and Dont want…

    Sooo glad you are feeling less stressed and MORE peaceful and are enjoying alone time with YOU!!!



  61.  #61Indigo on September 26, 2014 at 5:59 am

    Azure Blu 🙂

    Yes initially I did get just the teensiest bit anxious – maybe because I am so used to being in feminine mode, so being out of it can feel a little strange, being all in my head…

    But then I relaxed and realised that discussing ideas can be a very fun and exciting aspect of a relationship, and I feel sort of honoured that he makes it so clear how he enjoys hearing my opinion.



  62.  #62teresa on September 26, 2014 at 6:16 am

    ((((((Linda))))))

    I have begun my new journey. It is about My being. I cannot and will not let Lookingwisely get to me. He has called playing music in the background. He texted to say ” Bears win” and then denies texting me.

    I’ve started working out and running. I cut and colored my hair……even a different color. I had new pictures taken of me and will work at getting back online.

    I am excited but very nervous!!



  63.  #63Azure Blu on September 26, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Kim #28…
    I reread your post… I do understand more of what you are saying…
    It has been a little confusing to read about your
    year with MoM and feeling some of your investment in the relationship
    and ME thinking why would you still want to date this man that isn’t committing after a year…
    But… I too dated a man (2 years) who would NOT commit… after a year i started cding… and after
    ME finding Rori and practicing the tools… asking again for what I DID want and not much response from him
    realizing that I had enough….

    I could be wrong… but YOU have had Many discussions (he coming to YOU wanting to work things out) and he has stepped up some…
    But… like you said… pushing and asking… and still not much has changed…
    I see your point lovely Siren…
    YOU deserve adoration and tender loving care from Mr. Right!!!



  64.  #64Azure Blu on September 26, 2014 at 6:33 am

    teresa #62
    Brave powerful Goddess!!! I am EXCITED for YOU!!

    Working out and running.
    YOU cut and colored Your hair a different color.
    New pictures taken… steps to getting online!!!

    This is Sooo inspiring ME!!!
    oxox



  65.  #65Azure Blu on September 26, 2014 at 6:34 am

    (((Sophie)))
    How are YOU? I feel curious about how you are feeling after your big move…



  66.  #66Kim on September 26, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Azure Blu, you nailed it!
    That’s how I feel.
    And I am mot overthinking this anymore, but just enjoying what is and if I don’t, I will draw my consequences.
    It feels easy now.
    Of course I would miss him but I am not a stand by girlfriend with no movement. He knows that and I think some of his efforts now ( much more communicative, plans more, wants to see me more etc) are because he knows deep down that I am not invested. He knows there are other men I go out with.

    I don’t see it as up to me to move anything forward, I want to feel relaxed. I think it will be a great revelation to me what he does or doesn’t do when his sister comes down….and like I said, if things feel bad or off, I am most likely out of there.

    It’s easy. Having been in a difficult situation and him not stepping up to help me or say he would in the future think of us as moving in and getting married has kinda said it all to me.

    Yet he brought up marriage the other day…which surprised me. He has surprised me a bit, actually.

    I am not counting on more. If anything, I have become more sure about what my forever man looks like…and he has a lot of it but he hasn’t convinced me that he is him – by a long shot. Lol



  67.  #67teresa on September 26, 2014 at 6:43 am

    Thanks Azure….
    xxoo



  68.  #68IamHis on September 26, 2014 at 7:01 am

    Thanks (((((Sophie)))! 🙂 I feel much better today. Went to an already paid for hip hop class last night and it like…woke something up in me. It felt so good. I can do this. I can get better. I WILL get better!



  69.  #69IamHis on September 26, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Aw, & ((((Azure Blu)))) too!



  70.  #70Dominique on September 26, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Emerson – 49 – If the emailing is bothering you, tell him so. Something like – I’m feeling bored/turned off/something else by all of these emails. It would feel so much better to meet in person. What do you think?

    If he waffles, then you know this isn’t a man you would want to continue to keep in touch with.

    Love to you sweetheart.

    xxoo



  71.  #71Dominique on September 26, 2014 at 11:07 am

    I love your first date tips list Indigo. 🙂

    xxoo



  72.  #72Dominique on September 26, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Teresa – I feel SO proud of you!!! You are an inspiration.

    xxoo



  73.  #73Liquid Light on September 26, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    I had The Worst day at work yesterday. I had a conflict with someone on a project I’m working on, she has become so difficult to work with. Then I was publicly rebuked and ridiculed in another meeting on another project. Then my manager sent out a humiliating, harsh email in response to something I did. Ughh. It was awful, I was really contemplating quitting. But then today, it didn’t bother me so much which is huge for me. normally I’m hyper-fixated on anything negative and blow it way out of proportion. So this kind of a big shift for me, at least for now. And I realized that in my industry, designers are really in demand right now and that they aren’t going to fire me. (Also someone in my group just quit.) So I think job security is pretty good for me. I just will avoid the people that are causing me a lot of grief which isn’t that hard because we are dispersed in different offices/locations. So strange but I was hardly affected today by my awful day yesterday. It probably doesn’t hurt that today is Friday! TGIF! Have a great weekend everyone! 🙂



  74.  #74Emerson on September 26, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    (((Liquid light)))
    Thank you, lovely siren, for sharing your experience with us… Xo



  75.  #75Emerson on September 26, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    70 thanks you Dominique, I found this helpful and I appreciate your warmth and kindness!

    Thank you indigo! I like your suggestions they’re great!

    And FW ….wow I love your reminders about bringing up hard topics, it’s so true! Thank you for giving me the courage and I’m giving myself “permission” to ask…it’s actually a refreshing approach because it will draw me out of my shy box of first date syndrome…and also remind me that nothing is at stake and take him off any kind of pedestal I may have put him on…

    I feel motivated to continue CDing in every day life and I keep saying I’m going to practice five second smile but it is so so hard, I feel like a weirdo! Maybe I will practice with the cashier at the coffee shop and see how it goes! Lol



  76.  #76Emerson on September 26, 2014 at 8:42 pm

    Sirens I love you all so much for all your support and its so nice to come here and have friends to ask about everything I don’t know!



  77.  #77ButterflyEmerging on September 27, 2014 at 2:05 am

    Rori… and Sirens, I need advice, I’m so lost 🙁

    My boyfriend broke up with me 3 days ago. I’m just starting to come out of the shock. We were together a year and a half and had started living together about 2-3 months ago. Hard to say because I was staying there weekends, then a little more often until it was just a full time arrangement. Before it became full time, he was the one who made the decision for me to move in there. He also suggested we join our cell phone accounts to save money and he was just about to add my car to his car insurance account. I never initiated any of this, I leaned back and I happily accepted that I was getting the man of my dreams and the life of my dreams 🙂

    FYI, this is the first relationship I had where I went into it from the beginning, knowing and using Rori’s tools and I was amazed that everything unfolded magically 😉 We were we both enjoying the relationship and he had even said he saw us spending the rest of our lives together, but marriage wasn’t on his agenda, He is a widower and is 55 yrs old. (Im 49.)

    Although he certainly didn’t start out this way; over time he became more comfortable sharing his feelings with me and would sometimes just sigh while we were cuddling on the loveseat watching tv and say, “Ya know, I’m pretty damn happy, I gotta say!” We were both happy and in love. He’s the first man in my life to tell me he loved me and I truly believed it, from his actions.

    We had started decorating the house together and making plans for the future. I finally put down my lifelong insecurities and decided to believe and trust in his love for me. I never worried about us ending, for once. I couldn’t even picture it.

    Then on Monday night we had a fight. I see now my mistake, but i cant take it back. When i was venting to him (mistake #1) about my daughter hurting my feelings ignoring my texts and shutting me out, he started giving me advice” Instead of saying, “Thats a good idea, I’ll try that.” I said, “That wont work, cuz I tried that already.” (mistake #2) He got mad, walked away and said I always had to argue and have an answer back for everything. I was pmsing and I had already felt better when he wouldn’t stop advising me and here’s mistake #3, I said “I didn’t ask for your advice, ok?” Ok, I made a lot of mistakes there. He stopped talking to me the rest of the night and did’t say good night or good morning the next day. didn’t text or call all day during work.

    After work, first thing when he walked in he said, We need to talk. I thought we would rehash the argument because by then I had realized how awful I sounded and wanted to apologize but also explain why it all happened that way. But he didn’t give me a chance, He just said “I can’t do this anymore. None of it. The joining of the phones, you moving in, the relationship, none of it. I thought I was ready but I’m just not. I’m sorry but I cant make a committment at this time. I need you to leave.” I just stared at him dumbfounded. Cant make a committment? We were already in a committed relationship. He said the rest of our lives. I moved out of my apt and I cancelled my cell phone contract. Now I had to move out? And go get a new cell phone? It seemed more like he was mad at me, hated me. I really didn’t think the fight was THAT bad to end the whole relationship. Standing there staring at him, I said many times, “What is wrong?? I dont even know what you’re talking about! Cant we talk about this?” He wouldn’t look at me. He said he’d thought about it for a while, and thought about it all day and he just can’t do it any more.

    You know looking back I can’t even see signs that this was coming. We had so much fun together and that wknd was great. Until the fight on Mon night, things were great. We loved spending time together. We were both affectionate.. Had common hobbies. Laughed a lot. We also pursued interests each on our own but enjoyed spending most of our time together at home. I reveled in calling his house OUR HOME, and he always encouraged me to feel at home there also. So I’m dumbfounded and of course blaming myself and questioning everything I knew to be true. I asked if he was seeing anyone else and i believed his answer that he isn’t and doesn’t want to be involved with anyone right now. At this time of his life, he said, he just isn’t ready.

    Ok so wracking my brain the last 3 days I figured it’s a combo of him not having grieved the loss of his wife (she’s been gone 3 yrs and Im the first relationship he’s had and they were together like 20 yrs.) In the beginning i voiced concern about that but he repeatedly assured me that he was ready and told me all about how he felt. Life was short and he didn’t have all the time in the world and yes she died but HE was still alive and was ready to enjoy life with someone like me. So maybe he jumped the gun and he wasnt actually ready. OR maybe I triggered him into some crazy epidode? He wasnt himself at all, I couldnt recognize him! Theres so many factors here. maybe he’s telling the truth and just felt overwhelmed with the whole commitment. I dont get it. I just wish he’d tell me more details of how he came to this conclusion.

    Ok probably no one is reading this anymore but it’s been very therapeutic. Well i realize my mistakes but he’s made them too. I thought after a cooling off period he would contact me but he hasn’t! I moved out that day but i still need to come by this wknd to get the rest of my things. I haven’t heard a thing from him and I think i’m doing the right thing by not initiating texts and i’m really proud of that bc it’s so hard ! but today I caved in and wrote him one long text explaining how i feel like hes so mad or hurt that there must be a misunderstanding i never wanted to hurt him. he did not respond.

    Should I go back to the no contact and give him his space? I can’t take this pain, it’s so stressful. I dont know what’s going on. i kinda need to go to his house and get more of my clothes. But i was hoping he’d contact me by now. Do I just drop by? Text or call and ask when would be a good time to come by and get my things? What if he doesn’t answer? And if I go there and he doesn’t initiate talking do i just stay silent and pack my things? I want answers and I want to apologize for my part. Is this ok for me to do? or is that leaning forward? Please advise me….thank you so much!



  78.  #78Tatia on September 27, 2014 at 3:11 am

    “Let all your energies loose – Masculine and Feminine – and find yourself choosing to be where you are.

    Notice where you’re pushing like a man, trying to make it happen like a man – and where you’re simply knowing what feels best and most right like a girl.”

    Oh Rori, I’m feeling this statement from my head to my toes! YES. This is the messy me, all over the place, and yet in any given moment I can stop and feel whether I’m in my feminine or in my masculine, and I get to choose! I’m loving this so much!

    <3

    Tatia



  79.  #79Indigo on September 27, 2014 at 5:07 am

    Has everyone read Rori’s latest newsletter with the advice from Dr Randi Gunther? What did you think of it?



  80.  #80Sophie on September 27, 2014 at 7:20 am

    65 – Azure Blu – It feels nice to be asked 🙂 thank you!. In many ways it has all felt quite wonderful! There was a lot of physical work and I found that quite tiring but emotionally I felt in a really, really good space. I still do…but I feel slightly dispersed so I need to be careful with my energy. I am at my parents now and enjoying some much needed downtime but…I would like to make the next move reasonably quickly so that I don’t get too settled and it feels harder to uproot. I also need to be very careful to keep my energy vibrant and alive and not stagnant. My parents house, whilst peaceful, is also isolating so I would like to use this brief time to be masculine energy productive and feminine energy – sinking into my feelings and my body.

    The timing must have been so right to leave my home, I felt no sadness only love for its beautiful space – intuitively I like to believe I know loving people are going to be taking care of it and enjoying it in my place.

    The radical shift in me since I B left feels quite profound (although maybe not!) As Linda said previously the benefit of hindsight! It was like a slow but deadly poisoning living with him – even when he was attempting to be nice. I feel amazing to have him out of my life. He came by on the last day (yesterday) to pick up a box and was unpleasant. He filled the space with this aggressive, bully energy aimed at me. He left quickly and I burst into tears. That is the first time I have cried since he left. It wasn’t grief or sorrow for him. It was pain at the unbidden attack, grief that he had cut into my joy and peace once again. But that is that now and I shan’t have to see him or engage with him and I do not wish to. I do not see him as the kind of man he believes himself to be. I see him as someone who is harmful to me.

    And then I have had Young CD in my life which has felt like the most divinely inspired intervention and both healing and educating at the same time. It had been three or four years since we had seen each other and I have learnt a lot in that time. I was really enjoying practicing the tools and sinking into my feelings (I can’t always find them, or know what they are, or move through them, or express them – often I just feel confused). BUt…I was still trying and navigating my way through. And attempting to share my feelings authentically when I could. It brought up a lot of questions about when to share feelings and what to share which I need to get clear in my head before I share/ask for feedback.

    And I was keenly aware of the energy exchange. I am not at the best place in myself unsurprising – I feel a lot of anxiety and am self-conscious at times and neediness may seep into my vibe – I’ve been observing this and playing with this but still…I tried to share with him in a way which was authentic which was okay. I think when I was seeing him before I pretended to be divaness to an extent and I just am not and there were less walls this time so that felt okay- less walls in both directions actually, he had changed a lot and it felt nice

    But that is that and my horse has galloped away and who knows what more free therapy he will have for me if any at all. The lesson right now with that one is keep the focus on me, keep the focus on me, keep the focus on me. But I experienced his presence as a gift and his coming forward as a gift. At this time. I needed that tenderness and I needed a look at me and where I’m at with my feelings and my behaviours (overfunctioning queen) and I needed to allow myself to receive what he was offering to me. So I feel thankful.



  81.  #81Sophie on September 27, 2014 at 7:23 am

    78 – Indigo – I got one about toxic men – are there different mailing lists? Can you copy it into the thread?

    It felt great reading about your success with your work by the way – I’m not sure if I commented. I like seeing the steps everyone is making in areas that I struggle in also. It gives me the knowledge and courage that I can keep making those steps for myself too. And I felt like cheering for you 🙂 xxx



  82.  #82Violette on September 27, 2014 at 7:26 am

    This video is so inspiring, for a topic as difficult to express and as annoying as it is to so many people she really put my own feelings to words, and in a way that most reasonable people can relate to. I have such admiration for this speech and feel excited about the work she is doing, and hopeful for actual change, for the first time in ages! Wonderful stuff, really.

    LL I feel so sad to hear the divorced guy poofed, I feel so close to your situation. AD hasn’t poofed, but every other recently divorced guy I’ve dated has, and although all appears to be well, and he keeps pushing for more commitment and time together, I really want to take it slow.

    I do not want to get all invested for him to realize he needs time to know what his new life is all about.

    At least he was the one who left his wife, it seem worse when it’s the other way around.

    I feel pretty lost as to how to negotiate these next steps as he starts to push for more intimacy. It’s been 1 and a half months, I haven’t been dating other men but doing my best to keep my options at least somewhat open. I really want to sleep with him but I’d prefer we were at my place. Even though my place isn’t really furnished and comfy yet, it is my turf.

    Also he cooked for me and it was fun and romantic, but…he’s not a good cook. I can see we have some really different sensibilities when it comes to food. Oh well, maybe I can show him what I like.

    Ugh, anyways he keeps showing up and there is so much there to practice with. And Lord knows I can use all the practice I can get, with this aspect of relating…actual relationshippy stuff.

    Trying to stay away from the panic of never wanting to take the train to his house still, I mean I never want to.

    But tonight he hasn’t asked me to. We’re spending the evening with some gay friends of his in another part of town. Whew, I’m glad it hasn’t just gone to always going to his place so we can start having sex yet.



  83.  #83Kristina on September 27, 2014 at 7:29 am

    #50

    Hi Emerson!

    This is Kristina Lane. Apologies for the confusion about my newsletter. It is not running yet. My website is still work in progress. Send me a message here

    http://kristinalanerelationshipcoaching.com/contact/

    and I will send you the tips that Natalina referred to.

    Also, I saw that you were not sure about wearing a dress to the first date. Definitely go with a dress!! For all dates and every day! When I was dating, switching from pants to dresses made a huge difference in how girly I felt. Same goes for matching underwear. No one has to see it but you feel so much more flirty just looking at yourself in the mirror…

    Love,
    Kristina
    http://kristinalanerelationshipcoaching.com
    From Insecure To Loved…



  84.  #84Sophie on September 27, 2014 at 7:29 am

    ((((Linda)))) don’t they just always come back? Peace (and tenderness and gentleness and kindness and peace and tenderness and kindness) feel just so important, THE most, most important to me now. xxx

    Azure Blu – thank you for your loving, supportive presence. I feel appreciative of that and also your sharing of your processes with Spirit – staying in the awareness, it feels tentative (?) and for me, I feel inspired by that because it means exploring rather than ignoring which means loving yourself first and foremost…which is what I need to do (does that make sense!)



  85.  #85Indigo on September 27, 2014 at 9:07 am

    Sophie,

    Thank you for the encouragement and the cheers, it feels lovely 🙂 I start my new shorter day at work this coming Wednesday, though there is one small issue to iron out before then.

    Maybe there are different mailing lists – I got an email from Rori today with advice from Dr Randi Gunther, which says that we should tell our partners everything, all our secrets, all our flaws, how we feel about everything, and speak up in every moment when we feel uncomfortable, and I don’t think I agree with it. I will try and post it in the next post.



  86.  #86Indigo on September 27, 2014 at 9:11 am

    “Today I’m so excited to introduce you to Dr. Randi Gunther, my newest featured expert and an absolute genius when it comes to love and relationships.

    She’s a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor, and she’s spent more than a HUNDRED THOUSAND hours counseling couples and singles. More than anything, she’s committed to helping people understand the real causes of their relationship problems, and create what she calls “treasured belonging” with their loved ones.

    Since this is the first piece of advice I’m sending you from Dr. Randi, I’d love to hear what you think. Her wisdom absolutely knocked my socks off, and I hope you feel the same way!

    Love, Rori

    If You’re Afraid Of “Rocking the Boat” In Your Relationship, Here’s Why You Need To Throw That Idea Overboard Right Now

    If you’re in a relationship, think back to the first few months together.

    And if you’re dating, think about what you were like the last time you were getting to know someone (maybe that’s happening right now.)

    Were you completely honest with your partner?

    More specifically, were you upfront about issues from your past… or did you downplay them (or “forget” to mention them)? I’m talking here about anything from financial trouble to children from previous relationships.

    Did you speak up when you weren’t in agreement with your partner, or did you just go along with certain things? Maybe your partner wanted to see an action film, and you really can’t stand shoot-em up movies. But you enthusiastically said yes.

    When your partner said or did something you didn’t like, did you speak up about how uncomfortable you felt?

    Featured Expert:
    Dr. Randi Gunther

    Dr. Randi Gunther
    In my 40+ years of counseling couples and singles, I’ve seen every kind of heartbreak imaginable. And I know how long and painful a process it can be to put the pieces back together.

    That’s why prevention is always your best course of action. My eBook Heroic Love contains everything you need to avert the most common relationship disasters. If you want a lasting, deeply committed relationship, this book gives you the keys to make it happen.

    And if you’re trying to save your relationship, this Heroic Love will give you a step-by-step action plan to recapturing the magic you both shared, taking you to deeper depths of intimacy.

    For instance, suppose they were impolite to a server during dinner, or they pushed for physical intimacy too soon.

    If you sheepishly had to admit you haven’t been completely honest all of the time, you’re not alone.

    Why We Undermine Parts Of Ourselves To Get Love

    People hide and ignore all kinds of things in the early stages of romance to be more attractive and easygoing to their prospective partners.

    I’ve had couples in therapy – some who have been together for years – ripped apart by confessions. People can drop all sorts of bombs after a relationship has been established – everything from jail time to sexually-transmitted diseases to food preferences.

    It all comes down to fear. When things are going well and we really like someone, we’re afraid of “rocking the boat” or coming across as high maintenance.

    Perhaps we’ve been burned in a previous relationship by a partner who reacted negatively to our honesty and trust. Or maybe we think this little thing just won’t matter.

    But not being authentic is just a ticking time bomb.

    How Dishonesty Backfires

    When you aren’t straightforward – whether it’s covering up something from your past, hiding your true feelings, or downplaying your preferences – you put yourself at a tremendous disadvantage.

    By hiding your truth, you prevent the other person from getting to know the real you – thus you end up spending time with the wrong partners, and you create more problems down the line when the truth does come out.

    When couples aren’t authentic with each other, they find that they can only play that game for so long.

    Sooner or later, they’re no longer able to cover up what they’re really feeling, and when the truth emerges, they are poorly equipped to cope with it.

    The Best Time To Come Clean

    The early phase of a relationship is the best time to be completely authentic with your partner.

    When a couple is first getting to know each other, there is an abundance of positive feelings, and forgiveness is given generously. There is a high degree of resilience, and it’s easier than ever to bounce back from any setbacks.

    You might feel that if you’re honest, the other person won’t like you, but the reality is that the fastest way to find out if the two of you are a good fit is to be exactly who you are.

    And the more you disclose about yourself, the more your partner feels safe to do the same. This is how true intimacy is borne.

    Not only will being authentic ensure that you’re each being completely yourselves, but you’ll develop those critical conflict-resolution skills you’ll need later on.

    Yet it’s never too late to practice authenticity with your partner. Make a commitment starting now to be completely transparent about what you’re feeling and what you need from each other.

    I’ve witnessed dramatic transformations in couples when they practice “speaking from their truth.”

    Of course, sensitive areas such as something traumatic that happened to you as a child need not be revealed on a first date – these should be shared once you are comfortable with the person and feel that he will respond with support and caring.

    Bravely Share Your Flaws And Get Lasting Love

    Not being completely honest about who you are and what you need is a habit, and it’s one that can be broken.

    In my eBook Heroic Love, I dedicate an entire section to the topic of discovering your truth and sharing it authentically with your partner.

    If you’re single and dating, you’ll want to go straight to the chapter entitled “The Law of No Negative Surprises,” where I get specific about the most delicate details that come up and when you’ll want to share them.

    You’ll also love my list of “awkward moments” on dates and what to say when your date makes you uncomfortable.

    And if you’re in a relationship, you’ll want to pay close attention to “The Art of Translation,” where I dive deep into how to have even the most difficult conversations with your mate.

    You’ll learn how to speak with your partner honestly without him becoming defensive, and you’ll develop a sense of intimacy that eclipses anything you ever experienced when you were first courting each other.

    Total, unabashed authenticity is what sets successful couples apart from those that flounder. It’s my mission to help you live and love as authentically as possible. I know that reading Heroic Love will give you the insight and tools to transform you and your relationships.

    Fondly,

    Dr. Randi Gunther

    P.S.Here are just some of the secrets I’ve seen revealed in counseling couples:
    •Sexually transmitted diseases
    •Money issues and bankruptcy
    •Family problems
    •Behavior in previous relationships
    •Trouble with the law
    •Addictions to drugs or pornography

    How and when should you reveal things to a partner? There’s a way to talk about these issues that will inspire trust, respect, and peace of mind – even if the relationship doesn’t work out. Read Heroic Love and find out how.”



  87.  #87Indigo on September 27, 2014 at 9:12 am

    I feel a bit nervous when I see such blanket advice being dispensed for everyone.



  88.  #88teresa on September 27, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Sirens…

    there is a song from the movie ” the other women” that has brought me to tears. the name of the song is ” the sun is rising” by britt nicole. listen to it if you have a chance.

    I send to each and everyone of you trying to discover who we are.

    xxoo



  89.  #89Liquid Light on September 27, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Violette, Thanks for your words. yeah, it was a bummer that LHM poofed. I was starting to be more open to him. And the last kiss we shared was off the charts smoking hot! I haven’t felt that way in over a year. In fact its been a year and a half since I had sex! And I haven’t felt even remotely attracted to anyone in so long. So the attraction between us was really nice. But he had only been separated a couple of months so that made me really nervous. He’s moving out of is parents house this week (he went to live with them since he didn’t want to live with his wife after she cheated) and is moving into his condo next week. So lots going on in his life. Maybe I’lll hear from him again after things settle down a bit in his life. Who knows. Interestingly, his first wife also cheated on him! I believe Rori had a post about this type of man , that they go for women that are like that because they are a challenge. They like women like that and that its no coincidence that they are with women like that. And he’s done it twice! Apparently his first wife wanted to get back together and he didn’t want to. And then with his second wife (the one he’s separated from now) he claimed that he would never go back to her, that he’s “done”. Anyway, now that I’m writing this I find myself wondering do I really want to go out with someone who is twice married and so recently separated! Ughhh, that doesn’t sound so great!

    Violette, your situation however sounds fantastic! I think taking it slow like you are doing is really smart. He seems like he’s consistently stepping up and doing all the right things! So happy for you. Keep it up and let us know how it goes. I love reading your posts!!!



  90.  #90Liquid Light on September 27, 2014 at 9:51 am

    Emerson, thanks for the hug! 🙂



  91.  #91Azure Blu on September 27, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Teresa… MMMM…. I love this song!!
    thanks for sharing!



  92.  #92Liquid Light on September 27, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Indigo, thanks for sharing that post. That is so amazing for me to read those words. They describe the dynamic in my last relationship so well. I kept ignoring the warning signs, kept suppressing my needs and opinions, and sure enough they all came up and bit me really hard after about a year and the relationship went up in flames! Wow, I’m so glad that I’m not the only one and that this is a common dynamic. I was feeling so foolish that I let it happen. And now, I’m determined to not let that happen again. And really pay attention to the strange things that happen, the things the man says (he means them all), the weird stories he brings up about his last relationship. And also to share who I am and be authentic about all of it, even the things that I am not proud of about myself. Wow, very powerful post. I do think that its better to know sooner rather than later that you aren’t a good fit, because it is so much more painful when you are more invested and have been together longer. I know for me, the breakup was absolutely agonizing and I don’t want to go through that again ever. I feel like if I had been more attuned to all the weird dynamics that came up early on, and the messages that he was sending me directly and indirectly, and if I didn’t hide my head in the sand because I didn’t want to see them, that relationship would have ended much earlier. And I would have been saved a lot of pain and heartache.

    But I did learn a ton about relationships and what I’m looking for. And I won’t make the same mistake in my next one. Anyway, thanks Indigo for posting this. I really loved reading it. It reallyhit the nail on the head.



  93.  #93Femininewoman on September 27, 2014 at 11:07 am

    Violette I dunno. It seems “gay friends” keep jumping at me when you mention it. I do believe that we are most alike and influenced by the people we hang around so I am just kinda “suspicious” about this cd’s sexual orientation. I have gay friends too so this is not about judgement. It is just that I am wondering how would you relate to someone who is bi-sexual or if you are and are comfortable with that?



  94.  #94Sophie on September 27, 2014 at 11:19 am

    Thanks for posting Indigo – which part of it did you feel concerned by? There were elements where I agreed, such as its important to be authentic about likes and dislikes etc but then I would be very careful about how much I shared and with whom and at what stage. I think I would gage all of that as I went along. I’m curious to know what your thoughts were? x



  95.  #95Violette on September 27, 2014 at 1:15 pm

    LL you sound awesome! Sometimes it’s good when bad things happen to us because they give us a chance to shine and be more awesome weirdly…of course his behavior was no reflection on your value, as you seem to well know, and as I remind myself, it’s just timing. And he doesn’t sound like the kind of guy I would want a girlfriend to be with. I’m sure this experience has shaped you in a way to be more ready for more good to come. I’m saying this to myself as much as you. Men are there for us to enjoy and learn from, about ourselves as much as about them.

    FW I don’t really know what to say, I just mentioned that they were gay because I’ve been wanting gay guy friends and these guys are really adorable and fun for me.



  96.  #96Indigo on September 27, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Liquid Light,

    I’m really glad you found that helpful 🙂



  97.  #97Sassy on September 27, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    Hi sirens! I feel very curious about feminine vs masculine energy. While I realize we all have traits of both, one does tend to be more prominent regardless of our gender. My curiosity lies in whether this is a learned behavior from our upbringing/environment or is it possiblly in our “DNA”?
    I recognize I am predominantly masculine energy and tend to seek out feminine energy men, however I’m not sure why. I honestly have no clue how my parents relationship was, my dad passed over 25 years ago and I really didn’t pay attention to their interaction in that sense.
    Just wondering what you beautiful ladies think.
    Btw, miss you Turquoise, Ruth, Mel, FlowerChild77, Radlove and all the other long ago posters!



  98.  #98Indigo on September 27, 2014 at 3:36 pm

    Sophie,

    I guess I feel as you do, that I would want to gauge the situation and the man, but I wouldn’t want to put a blanket principle on it that sharing every single thing = better relationships. I have not found that to be true. Yes, I believe the important stuff does need to be discussed and shared, the boundaries of the relationship. And when something is bothering you and festering for a while, I believe that needs to be talked about too. But as for the rest, I believe it is very much open to interpretation. I mean, telling the man every little time you feel uncomfortable? What if you have period pain and are just especially sensitive to discomfort? I know that a lot of the introverted, sensitive men I have dated would find this level of sharing to be overkill.

    I think the trouble with this kind of advice is that a lot of people would not necessarily know where to draw the line, and could end up sharing way more than is necessary about the negative aspects – I don’t many of us have the stomach to hear constantly when something is bothering our partner or when there is something he/she doesn’t like. For many of the things that I am dealing with I prefer to keep my own counsel, because I like to keep my relationship a peaceful, calm, positive sanctuary in which there is as little criticism and nitpicking as possible.



  99.  #99Sophie on September 27, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    96 – Indigo yes, curiously this was one of the things in my previous post with my latest interaction that had come up for me anyway – how much to share and how much not to – overkill yes – be in your own emotional space otherwise it’s a bit much for someone else and also for yourself. I often need to share at my own pace in order to feel that I haven’t ‘overexposed’ myself also, which is not to say I am being shut down or not being vulnerable, its just to say I’m not spewing my guts and tentative timing can be sensitive timing. yes share what feels important at the time and be mindful of the timing of ‘big stuff’ but I always find a gradual unfolding feels best AND I also often feel I have shared too much…where does that come in? The feeling of having shared too much? does that mean they’re not the right man…or does that mean that maybe more sensitive sharing wouldve been a better option?



  100.  #100Sophie on September 27, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    I’m not sure she isn’t advocating anything other than being authentic though really, not pretending to be someone who you’re not in order to please someone else…ala Rori…did you see something else indigo? xx



  101.  #101Veronica on September 27, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    I spent almost a week with Funny on our ‘holiday’ – we stayed at his place taking things slowly.
    It started quite bumpy – we had to postpone our holiday by one day as an unexpected situation had arisen and that resulted in me having to travel halfway. This all happened last minute. As I’m battling to find alternate bus schedules, this powerful sorrow grew in me to the point where I was in tears – I was remembering how I was trying to find a way to move to BM’s country and not finding a way which meant for me at the time that the love we had had to die and the very slow realization that BM didn’t really want me there despite what he said. I felt so helpless at the time. I wanted to flee, cancel the ‘holiday’ and not feel wounded. And my NVs were running rampant saying in effect how the same could happen. Funny sent a message saying he would do whatever he could to make our ‘holiday’ happen – I melted. I later told him about the sorrow I felt and how much his message meant to me. I felt surprised at how caring he was about this.

    I got to see a bit of his world – the parts that can’t be seen on a date or being together momentarily. I saw how relaxed he became after a few days together – it was so evident such that on our last day together I could see his big beautiful life-pulsing love for me, for life, for those he cares deeply about. He described himself as feeling sustained happiness.

    He can’t help being around me

    His senses are so attuned to my smell that he told me while we were walking that he can smell my scent on the breeze – I could see how much he enjoyed it

    There’s something really beautiful happening when we touch – I’m battling to describe it

    Slowly I’m feeling inspired to be more IN this relationship – I don’t feel pressured to fit in in a particular way, I don’t feel rushed, I feel good, supported, motivated for my own life. And I’m slowly discovering what it is like to love a man who wants me, who adores me, who wants to be ‘kept’ (our word for exclusive and committed). I like how this is slowly happening.

    I tried the tool Natalina suggested (Hi Natalina) and I recognized how it allows me to want to be more of myself in this relationship, in a sense I can desire freely, be open and share with Funny those desires. I feel encouraged more and more to share with him my appreciation.

    Sometimes it’s as though I’m healing

    And I’ve laughed with him – really really laughed



  102.  #102Indigo on September 28, 2014 at 2:17 am

    Sophie,

    I am sure she is simply advocating being authentic, and perhaps her book and the rest of her work goes into how to do that sensitively. So it is possible to take this email out of context.

    Just, for me, the way this email came across was “never hold anything back, share everything you don’t like and that makes you feel uncomfortable, otherwise you’re faking it” and …. I don’t know, I just haven’t found that to be true.

    I have found, like you, a gentle unfolding at one’s own pace to be best. And some people take a very long time to be comfortable sharing their deepest selves. And some things it is best to hold your tongue about. What I’m saying is for me it is waaay more subtle than just “share everything”.

    x



  103.  #103Indigo on September 28, 2014 at 2:26 am

    Veronica,

    I love the way you write 🙂



  104.  #104Sophie on September 28, 2014 at 2:56 am

    Veronica – that is so beautiful! I feel so delighted for you. Like clapping my hands and running on the spot delighted 🙂

    Indigo – yes 🙂



  105.  #105Kath on September 28, 2014 at 8:02 am

    Being Authentic is the only way to go. It is such hard work trying to be someone you’re not!- I realise that I have done that in relationships, including the one that has just ended. I saw from him so many little warning signs which I justified the reasons for, refused to see it as him being himself. However, it changed me, I found myself becoming more introverted because I didn’t feel I could be me with him because he saw me as more intelligent, earning more money than him, more able to make important decisions and manager her life and therefore manage his!- Its strange how he made me responsible for the important decisions in the relationship and then condemned and criticised me when I did!- As soon as I got fed up with being attacked and made me to feel wrong all the time, that’s when I saw just how much he actually didn’t respect me at all. I felt like my use had expired and that’s why he chose to flirt with other women- ie. the x-other women who still pandered to his ego. Isn’t human nature fascinating!
    As for me, I am strong and calm again and finding it very sad that he can’t even face me. He text me on Friday to say he’d be calling by the house to pick up his car, but when he did he made no attempt to see or speak to me. How sad. I am moving out on Friday and have to confess I am ready now. Ready to start afresh and ready to learn from this experience. I am leaving with a huge sense of sadness though. Mixed emotions are hard to deal with sometimes.



  106.  #106Emerson on September 28, 2014 at 8:50 am

    I feel thankful for having a good team with me at work..it’s been a rough week lots of boy energy from me….
    Lots of conflict and needing to be “flexible” aka wasting my time…they are still a good team just trying my patience as we all try to work together…
    I also feel hopeful about meeting someone new I don’t know why but I’m turning a corner,, I’m making a decision to be open and remove whatever has Been blocking me…



  107.  #107Linda on September 28, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Sophie.

    Isnt it interesting how instantly awful that little encounter was with B. Your experiences with that relationship have provided you some very valuable things. Instant “feeling” recognition for one. Your lack of tolerance for bad behavior and toxic men, two and if your path is anything like mine is…. controlling my living environment so it is peaceful and nurturing at all costs.



  108.  #108Linda on September 28, 2014 at 10:41 am

    Kath … authenticity is KEY! Paying attention to how you feel in midst of a conversation, interaction, even working on a project. Keeping touch with that will enable it. At least it working for me anyway.

    Just like Friday. I was working on a project in my backyard by myself. I started with cutting down and bagging up a tree. A hand saw, hatchet and limb lopers ! I felt darn good about it…energized I would say. Before I knew it one thing led to another I am on a ladder trimming branches on a huge tree hanging over my storage barn and then was trimming an unsightly fence row, cutting and pulling plants,vines etc. It became overwhelming and I found myself feeling all kinds of stuff… and tears welled up in my eyes. I was proud of what I had accomplished but I was hot, and tired and angry at the neighbors for their lack of maintaining their property how it was encroaching upon mine AND soooo annoyed with all these awful bugs and da*m mosquitos!!

    I did not shove one of those feeling down. I embraced them all. This is who I am. That is what I felt. It feels different and sometimes quite surprising to be aware of what I am feeling and expressing them takes it to a whole other level.



  109.  #109Zara on September 28, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Emma Thompson’s speech is on Rori’s blog.
    This week Rori Raye’s news letter is advertising a program around truth telling.
    And now I’ve just stumbled unto Byron Katie’s turn around “He should be vulnerable”, (on y.o.u.t.u.b.e, under the title “Why isn’t he vulnerable”)
    and unto the T.E.D talk from Zak Ebrahim (on y.o.u.t.u.b.e under the title “I am the son of a terro.rist”)

    All going straight to the heart of the matter.

    Yeah, it is through vulnerability that I get in touch with my own truth. And it is sharing my truth that I feel connected to myself, and thus I can project the feeling of being connected to others which, in turn, gives me a magical feeling of freedom.

    Should I believe that vulnerability is weakness, my power of love might transform into power of hatred.
    Wether I turn the hatred towards myself and commit suicide as Emma mentions, or wether I end up in jail or enlisted into any official army of any nation or into any terro.rist group of any flavour, the choices are many and all come from the same belief: “there is but one truth and it comes from outside of me. And if that truth does not fit inside me, it is because I am weak, not big enough in the world. As for what I actually feel inside of me, it has got to be wrong and/or irrelevant, I’d better shut it up, no matter how. I will make it shut up even if I have to kill myself or kill my neighbour or kill a total stranger in a war thousands miles away from home. I’ll try everything to kill the demons I project outside of me. As long as I don’t have to look inside of me and acknowledge who is in there. I have been taught whoever is in there, is irrelevant, so….”

    Yeah, getting acquainted with my true feelings and sharing them. It is good for me, good for the world.
    Like Zak sharing his journey in the T.E.D talk. How he freed himself from hatred to love.
    As his mother said “I feel tired of hating”.

    Peace is so much healthier than war.
    I feel giggly now. Like saying staying alive is healthier than dying. And yet…. When I count how many wars are still raging on this planet….. I can see it will not be repeated often enough: Peace is healthier than war.

    It feels so much healthier to love than to hate.
    It takes so much energy trying to fit an outside truth onto others while trying to make my own truth shut up. It is so tiring to force a given shape onto others, a shape I don’t even know what it is supposed to look like, coz I have never seen it myself anyway.
    It feels so freeing to let people be who they truly are, and allow my true self to come up to the surface so I can enjoy the company of myself and thus of the people.
    Sharing my true self is freeing. Receiving others just the way they are is freeing.
    Then we can share feelings and ideas and shape the world together.

    Yeah, Truth is not a word meant to make religious books legit nor meant as a tool to kill my neighbour or to control my lover.

    Yeah, experiencing the world through my own being rather than through others’ teaching, others’ judgment.
    Yeah, getting acquainted with my own truth, noticing my own feelings in spite of beliefs taught by families or friends or gurus or books or churches or political parties.
    Yeah, dropping walls and sharing what I empirically know, vulnerable, may be exposed to the reaction this might bring back to me but over all connected to my true self, Love.
    Yeah, dropping expectations, and experiencing the others just the way they are.

    Yeah, no intimacy if I can’t talk my truth. No intimacy if my lover can’t talk his truth.

    Yeah, respecting that a man has been taught to be impenetrable to protect me and our family.
    He can’t be vulnerable to make me feel connected and at the same time be impenetrable. He is only a human being, just like me, not an extraterrestre.
    There will be a time for one emotional state and a time for the other emotional state. It is his life. He gets to live it at his own space.

    Yeah, respecting that a man is vulnerable in his own way that I might not see if I project on him my expression of it or if I am not feeling connected myself.

    Yeah, feeling connected is about me connected to my true self, sharing love is about me sharing my truth while respecting where the other is at.

    Yeah, it’s all about me…

    xxx



  110.  #110Rori Raye on September 28, 2014 at 2:32 pm

    Butterfly – I am SO sorry this has happened to you…forget about “mistakes” – nothing you did once could possibly end a relationship. It’s possible that a lot of his feelings about the communication, etc. built up over time – and he just stuffed it all down. It’s possible there were signals and red flags all along that never got picked up – and yet…I’ve heard of this happening to a great many women – seemingly “out of the blue.”

    I’d love to send you to all my coach trainees so you can get time with each one for free – and then choose one to work with until you feel better.

    AND – it’s totally possible that you’ll hear from him again quickly – it’s only been 3 days. Now’s the time to get coaching so that if he does call (most likely “when”) you’re PREPARED!!!! You don’t want to be EXPLAINING anything!!!

    Here are the coaches: https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/love-life/free-coaching-with-my-new-rori-raye-coach-trainees/



  111.  #111Liquid Light on September 28, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    Butterfly,

    I am so sorry this happened. That is absolutely heart wrenching. Big hug girl!

    But as Rori says, its only been 3 days. Still so very early. Give it some time, see what happens, and meanwhile please take care of yourself.

    I feel so sympathetic with your situation since I am also 49, and 55 if the perfect age man (in my mind) that I like to date. Yet of course they all have their history and we do too. Hang in there, girl, and please treat yourself with lots of TLC and try to be a patient and see what unfolds.

    ((((((((((((((((((((Butterfly))))))))))))))))))))))



  112.  #112Violette on September 28, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    I feel totally stressed today about my life. I want to find the time to breathe and get it together. Just spoke to AD and I felt bad because I was a spaz all stressed out.

    Oh well. I do what I can.

    I got another interrogation last night from him about whether or not I’m seeing other people. It’s seriously been a month and a half we’ve been dating, and he is coming on so strong, freaked doesn’t begin to describe how I feel. And I have big feelings for him and I don’t want to go under!

    He said he was falling in love with me and couldn’t get hurt and needs to know if there’s anyone else. I said it still feels soon for an exclusivity talk, and I’d prefer to just date and not be his girlfriend until I’m with someone where we want to get married. He said he would marry me!

    It feels amazing to hear but let’s face it I don’t know the guy. Also he was mentioning recently that he’s going to buy a condo, a decision I am totally uninvolved in, and he would marry me? I can’t make sense of it.

    It’s just feeling hard to stay light about it. He wants to see me all the time, which I love, but I don’t really have much extra time…for work and rest, actual sleep!

    Also as sex looms near in our relationship, I really want to have him spending time at my place, the only thing is my place is way unfurnished and not super presentable, and I don’t know where to get the time and money to make it that way, and I wanted to have him to dinner but I don’t want to spend the money on groceries. It’s humiliating and I am really struggling to accept myself this way. I’m 35 for crying out loud!

    Well, tonight I am alone and I am going to sleep, that much I am so happy about it. One moment at a time.



  113.  #113Mandy on September 28, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Butterfly,

    I felt especially triggered about your situation. I’ve been on both sides…

    I have felt the feelings you are feeling…also the feelings he might have felt, about not being able to do “this” commitment thing…Sometimes I’ve gotten overwhelmed by my boyfriend and thought, wow, I didn’t sign up for this…but I somehow always stuck with it, I never wanted him to leave, truly. So I decided to love him as is.

    It takes a lot of strength to power through the “I didn’t sign up for this” feeling, and I think maybe with men it is a lot more freaky and frightening a feeling, because they are just panicking to try to fix it, whereas women can be in the feeling and live in it, guys just go, EW, get thios icky feeling away from me…so they sort of up and leave, or just freak and end the situation because it seems like the best way to fix it.

    But this can be a new beginning..and they are so beautiful…time for you…spending every minute with yourself, on yourself, in your feelings…and just let the thoughts of him melt away…you may even find someone new or old is barking up your tree as you are playing in your Siren meadow. This is the perfect opportunity for you to take care of you…

    Example…of something fun to do after a breakup – I remember after my last breakup, it was a horrid breakup…but when I was with him, my ex couldn’t have blue cheese because he was deathly allergic. After he dumped me I got myself some blue cheese at the organic store with some wine, and reveled in the flavor with a feeling of mischief, lol. It was kind of freeing in a funny way! It was therapeutic. After I cried and was sad and got it all out, I just stopped thinking about what could have been and started focusing on what can be. I felt so free…I could see whoever I want, do what I want, without worrying about who thought what.

    But, point being, date yourself! Make yourself a delicious dinner, take a hot bath, or whatever it is you like to do…I prefer to get my nails done and have a cafe drink, or hot chocolate. Even taking a nap if you have the time is so nice, just putting the phone on silent and flopping on the bed for thirty minutes. Almost every diva I know who knows her worth has a ritual she likes to keep for herself, and it keeps the nasty voices and the shoulda, coulda, wouldas at bay!

    It feels so good to be in control of making yourself feel good…you can tap into it at any time…and if you want to remove yourself from a situation and go back to pampering yourself, you can choose to do it anytime. Very very nice to be able to do. I know my boyfriend notices when I do this and he comes looking for me too, he’s like, whatcha doin there pretty lady? 🙂 Too cute!

    But I feel for you here, and I know using the Modern Siren tools helped me immensely following my last awful breakup! Riffing too! Get it all out, and off your chest…we’re here for you Butterfly! 🙂



  114.  #114Emerson on September 28, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    Today I asked myself what am I missing? As in what am I longing for?
    Mostly, the answer is the thing I miss the most is a feeling of warmth and belonging….with my family…with my boyfriend(s) in the past, with friends and old coworkers and a combination of those things I had ALL of that in the past….
    and now I feel that I only have part of those elements…I am working on recognizing right now what I have that brings me emotional warmth and feeling of belonging…it all goes back to Maslow’s hierarchy after all…



  115.  #115Emerson on September 28, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    Sometimes I feel so isolated as almost all my friends form the past are married and busy with kids and family…my parents are getting older and stay home more, I have to travel to visit them…
    I don’t have a boyfriend/husband/anything…
    so I spend a lot of time alone and sometimes it just hurts and feels literally painful…my sisters are so busy these days they don’t even reach out to me too often and that really bothers me…I realize I am always the one to reach out (almost always.)
    I am just ranting on here and venting…thanks sirens



  116.  #116Emerson on September 28, 2014 at 8:10 pm

    i’m not feeling sorry for myself, just reflecting on how i feel and what is my current situation…



  117.  #117Kristina on September 28, 2014 at 9:26 pm

    Emerson,

    Dating like crazy will help you with that. I used to feel so lonely. And then I started dating. All of a sudden I had no time left for being lonely. Suddenly, evenings home alone started feeling so good because they became so rare and felt like a break from all the dating.



  118.  #118Kristina on September 28, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Violette,

    You are doing great! If you want to date until you see a ring on your finger, go for it. As long as you can communicate it to your guy without ultimatums or attacking him. Regarding your apartment, do nothing. If you are ok without decent furniture, so be it. I still had my second-hand student furniture four years into a corporate job when I invited my now-husband up for the first time. Also, I did not even offer him water. He was there to kiss and hug me, not for a social visit. And as things developed between us, he was the one who started buying me furniture. You can just say one night. “I would feel so much more comfortable with all my stuff around. Would you mind having dinner at my place?” When he says yes, you can add “I don’t have any food, would you mind ordering take out?” And when he does it and the food arrives, let him get up and pay. Let HIM do all the work. If he is really ready to marry you, he will be more than happy to treat you like a queen.



  119.  #119Kristina on September 28, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    Butterfly,

    This feels awful. Yet, you might have just gotten out of a relationship that was doomed anyway. As Rori says, there is nothing wrong you can say to the right guy. His reaction suggests to me that he might not be right for you. You are probably in a state of shock and want to grieve and mourn and also keep hoping that he changes his mind. You can do all of those but also DATE in parallel. Attention from new men will keep you feel strong and will help you heal. When you go to get your stuff, bring a friend or relative, so that you don’t feel so alone. If you know his schedule, do it when he is not at home and leave the key behind. No note. If he is there and talks to you, be warm and vulnerable. If he does not or he is not there, grab your stuff and get out. Do not initiate any contact. Focus on yourself and bringing yourself to places that have men you can date (match.com or Starbucks). Also, I noticed how you mentioned that he was not interested in marriage. Are you? There is a ton of men of all ages out there that will give you exactly what you want and more.



  120.  #120Liquid Light on September 28, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    Violette, the dynamic you are describing sounds very familiar to the dynamic I had with my ex. Constant pressure to see him and spend time with him. Feeling stressed and tired because of not getting “me time” and sleep. When I started to pull away a bit towards the end and expected that he would accommodate me and be understanding about my needs, he didn’t like that. In fact, it caused more stress in the relationship until a few weeks later, he ended up breaking up with me and ending the relationship. Anyway, I’m not saying its the same for you, but are you OK with this dynamic not changing – him expecting to spend all of your free time with him, and wanting to have your life wrapped up in his? It sounds like that’s what he expects in a relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but both people have to want that. What kind of relationship did he have with his ex? That’s probably the same dynamic he wants and expects in the next one.. Just my 2 cents. Good luck, girl. I really hope it works out for you! I just feel like you need to figure out what YOU want and then if he can give that to you!



  121.  #121Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 1:23 am

    Emerson,

    I understand how you are feeling, really I do. A lot of what you said resonated with me – especially having to reach out to friends and family – not all, because I have learnt to be extremely content in my own company, and to treasure those people in my life who do make a lot of time for me. May I suggest you do the same.

    Also, I think Kristina has a really good point that when you are using your masculine “doing” energy to fill your life up with activities, you don’t tend to notice so much the people who aren’t contacting you or aren’t around. A good way to get out of this funk is to just accept dates and invitations from people and men who you might feel are a bit “below your league” and just absorb the fun and pleasure that those times are able to give you. Also a really good time to splash out a bit out of your comfort zone – go and do things you might have always wondered about or that you don’t normally do. It’s great for making you feel vigorous and alive.



  122.  #122Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 1:32 am

    Liquid Light,

    I really liked the advice you gave to Violette.

    This issue resonates so much with me. I dated a guy at the beginning of last year who was very much like that – he was a great guy and a real catch. He wanted to determine the pace of the relationship and for things to move at his pace. He was 37 and I was 31 and he made it clear that he didn’t want to mess around and wanted the relationship to move swiftly to full commitment. This just did not work for me and it made me feel a bit panicked. One day he came to visit me unexpectedly at work in my office, and later complained that I did not get up and rush to give him a hug. I was just surprised and taken aback! So the relationship fizzled out because of different expectations.

    For me it is so essential that someone respects my timeline and my space, my need to open up at my own pace and my need to have time to myself. And I will strive to do the same for him. I’ve just realised this issue is SO important to me.



  123.  #123Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 2:53 am

    ((((Butterfly)))
    Ohhhh…. darling Siren… I feel so sad that this happened…
    Who’s to ever know how long it takes each and every one of us to recover from breakup/divorce/death

    I know it took me 7 years to be able to open up and let my guard down and actually be myself again… (I dated off and on during that time)
    Yeah. the first 3 years… even though I tried to date I stopped dating for a year or so…cause I realized I was NOT ready…

    Do you know the anniversary date of her death? of her birthday? of their wedd. anniversary? Any of these events will put a grieving person into a tail spin He can’t even see coming!!!!

    For me… I would go ahead and apologize for my own peace of mind…
    but then I would continue leaning back…
    of course you need to get YOUR clothes…
    text and tell him the best times for you to stop by..
    and then if you Don’t hear from him just go get your stuff when you know he won’t be there…
    Lean WAY back… He WILL be BACK!!!



  124.  #124Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 3:00 am

    LL #73
    You sound sooo grounded and positive here!!!
    Lovely Siren… so glad to hear you are feeling job security (what a GREAT thing not everyone has)

    I like YOUR solution for taking exquisite care of YOU at work!!!
    Something about YOUR vibe has changed this week!!!
    Maybe a reflection of YOU loving ALLL of YOU!
    It feels like a fall breeze all sunshiny warm with yellow and red leaves reflecting in the sunlight…
    oxoxo



  125.  #125Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 3:11 am

    ((((Veronica))))
    Wow… I feel sooo very happy reading your post about the week wit Funny!!!
    So warm and vulnerable you are with him – and HE with YOU…
    It is VERY inspiring and gives ME hope…
    Thank you soo much for sharing this part of your life here on Siren Island…

    When you wrote that YOU laughed with HIM…
    REally, really laughed…
    I remember when my late fiancee and I had gone to a simon and garfunkel concert and we were driving back… we started talking about the people next to us and he made a really funny comment and I was sooo relaxed and happy with him I laughed sooo hard…
    and soo did he… I don’t think I had ever felt like that before… It was exquisite!!!

    Thank you David for such a lovely memory!!!
    and for letting me experience Unconditional LOVE for the first time in my life… it was life changing…



  126.  #126Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 3:32 am

    Good Monday Morning Sirens
    I want to express my sincere appreciation for all of you here on Siren Island…
    So wonderful to feel the love and support and vulnerability of ALL you lovely Sirens.
    You have helped change my life in amazing ways!!!
    Thank you and MUCH love…. :~>

    An update into My Spirit story…
    He textd me on Frid. after our religious discussion on Wed. night..
    Told me that he was spending Fri & Sat with his daughter (it was her birthday)…
    Golfing and taking her to dinner and telling me about her gift he had bought…
    I text him a response back…

    BUT I’ve been thinking about who HE really is,,,
    what his beliefs are and how HE wouldn’t fit into
    a life I would want….
    I was thinking I could continue dating and practice asking (using FM) for some of the things I am needing more of…
    MORE together time (he has been less attentive)
    using his daughter alot for reason to not see me…

    More phone calls…not alll texting…

    BUT I don’t want to get MORE attached
    when I know HE is NOT my Mr. Right…

    I’m hoping HE is taking a good look at what
    is important to HIM too… with less contact from him
    I’m pretty sure that is what is going on…

    Sooo… I’ve cried off and on because
    I was sooo hoping he was the ONE!!
    But I found out pretty quickly (2 months)- and something I had suspected all along…

    Ahhh Sirens, I am feeling sad and heartbroken…
    But the grief of a woman not a child…

    Because I LOVE ME… I HAVE ME… I learned such Valuable lessons from Spirit… Like “I Fill ME UP”
    How to keep ME on my pedestal.
    how to stay open and vulnerable when the man is coming toward me…



  127.  #127Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 3:49 am

    Azure-

    I just want to wrap you up in a love blanket! Regardless of how well or ill fitted someone is to our lifestyle- there is still that piece of us that cries out for them to love you and accept you and give to you-

    it feels so great to hear you taking care of yourself, hearing you even just say that you are on a pedestal – you are a prize.
    You DO deserve to have an amazing relationship with a man who adores you and wants to share life with you.

    Definitely keep giving yourself love. Take more baths. Visualize THIS guy along with so many other men (and women too- why not) sending you their love. Thinking about you. Loving you–

    Just visualize that love comming to you- maybe it looks like a rolling fog… That is the image that is coming to me right now.

    His stuff is his own stuff- and when we try to analyze whether he is trying to make excuses and not come around – that doesn’t do much for our own mojo.

    It sounds like you know what you want in a relationship, and from a man-

    Keep visualizing that love coming to you. You won’t need to settle.

    Just keep on slathering that love.

    Love,
    Natalina



  128.  #128Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 3:52 am

    Sooo… i’m leaning back…
    and when he contacts me… maybe say something like
    “We haven’t seen much of each other in the past few weeks… what do you think?”
    This is VERY sad… as I know HE is NOT the man for ME…
    Sooo amazing how quickly you can figure this out by leaning back and seeing how much relationship THEY CAN do…



  129.  #129Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 3:58 am

    Natalina,
    Ohhhh… thank you sooo much for YOUR warm, kind answers…

    Can you explain more about what you mean by…
    “is stuff is his own stuff- and when we try to analyze whether he is trying to make excuses and not come around – that doesn’t do much for our own mojo.”
    Thank you



  130.  #130Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 4:17 am

    Of course Azure-

    We really never want to spend much time if any in “what he is thinking”. Though picking up on that he isn’t spending as much time with you as you would prefer is all you really need to know.

    When we try to figure out his motives by why he is spending more time elsewhere- all you really need to know is that in a relationship you want to have XYZ… And that you are feeling a bit disconnected and bad because you aren’t getting that with him, and is there something I should know? (Those would be great elements to script with him)

    From what I’m hearing you say- it would feel really good to connect with him on this subject, because you have been feeling confused and you really enjoy being around him.

    It sounds like you don’t just want to walk away, right?

    You will always have that option- to walk away, though I would recommend filling your dance card before you do.

    The other alternative- if you are open to having a relationship where you have differing spiritual beliefs, is also possible.

    You won’t know if it is a good fit until you are both able to talk about this in that format I have you above:

    This feels very important to me and can we talk?
    I have been feeling really worried and confused because of our differences in spiritual beliefs…etc…. And what do you think we can do?

    I really want to be on the same page with you, and I like you soo much… How do you think we can work around this?

    This way, you open yourself up to curiosity- how would HE solve this-instead of assuming he is just retreating and letting you figure it out on your own without him.

    Does that make sense?

    Love to you!!!!
    Natalina



  131.  #131Kim on September 29, 2014 at 4:53 am

    Oh no Azure…I am sorry and feel sad things have taken a downward turn with Spirit.
    Although, you knever know what happens…sounds like you are staying open to all possibilities and focusing back on you, which is so great (and so hard to do), sending you love!



  132.  #132Kim on September 29, 2014 at 5:00 am

    I had a great weekend with MoM…we went kayaking and he took me out for dinners, made sandwiches (cute) and packed coolers and was soooo sweet.
    I had a headache and seas were rough, so I was quite ratty and moaning a bi in the first hour…seemed a bit scary to me to kayak in open waters with a few white caps…I am a wimp lol. He said not to worry and he would not do it if he thought there was any risk, he would look after me. Awww.
    We had fun…it was something I had wanted to do for weeks!

    And then, we had dinner by the beach yesterday..and he asked me to come for dinner with his sister, who is coming next weekend and I had felt curious as to whether he was going to introduce us at all…so that was nice. I didn’t have to bring my curiosity up…it resolved itself.

    He brought the whole relationship topic up again and I kept my cool and said that he knows where I stand and that a relationship for me is not just a step up from dating but something I would consider if a formal commitment was on the table…and anything that makes me feel off, such as overly attached to exes, was discussed and resolved. He mumbled something about me ‘should know that he only wants to be with me’ and I just let him mumble and grumble on and didn’t get all angry and emotional.
    LOL.
    I felt amused.
    Just like Margaret Thatcher once said: this lady is not for the turning…



  133.  #133Linda on September 29, 2014 at 5:06 am

    Azure. I send you hugs. The Beliefs things has been looming in the background since the beginning. I have felt curious about why you two decided to continue seeing him and admittidly a bit dreadful about it for you.

    As you well know, a persons religious beliefs are usually core. They dont usually budge. Your history with your parents (mom), your environment growing up, carved and shaped where you are today and what you believe. If you are sure there is no bridge between the two then in theory you will have peace in letting go …if not perhaps there is something else for you to consider and or discover.

    XO



  134.  #134Kim on September 29, 2014 at 5:23 am

    I dunno Linda, that’s kind of a blanket statement.
    At the end of the day, religion is just one of many differences a couple might have.
    I am an atheist, and I dates a religious man for quite some time. We had many similar values and he went to church – and I didn’t.
    He respected it, I respected him. The reason why it ended was because he was too clingy. Lol. Nothing to do with religion or different spiritual beliefs.
    I agree it is not easy, but it is possible. Between two people anything is possible, unless a man doesn’t want or can’t DO relationship.
    So I disagree woth your blanket statement a little.
    I actually think it was great that Azure stayed open to the possibilities, and to me that is an inspiration as I am always one who is fast to walk away when a differemce or difficulty comes up.
    Anything can happen…



  135.  #135Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 5:34 am

    Linda-

    “Amen!” to what you just said (no pun intended, ha)

    But that is the truth, and part of my own story. Religion was a center piece in my life for a long time, however my husband’s beliefs seemed to differ wildly- and yet it works for us.

    I was able to really make religion more of a personal practice through how our relationship works, and I believe that was really the best for ME and he was also on board, not wanting me to compromise having what I wanted in this department.

    We talked A LOT about this, and that helped ME decide what I wanted- it felt so good just talking with him about this.

    Thanks for sharing Linda!

    Love,
    Natalina



  136.  #136Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Natalina,
    Ohhh… thank you sooo much for the explanation
    and some great scripts…

    He is a wonderful man.. I DO want to be open and curious about what HE is thinking may or might not be a solution/something to work on…
    I;m NOT just going to walk away without
    a conversation (or several)…

    After that I’m not sure if it is even relavant to
    bring up my desire for MORE time with him
    because I LOVE spending time with him…

    I did some research today by reading some of his religious teachers he has mentioned and being curious about what he studies…

    I certainly DON’T want to do what I’m accusing him of
    NOT accept him for his spiritual journey…
    “Whatever gets YOU through the night IS alright!!!”



  137.  #137lovetodance on September 29, 2014 at 5:44 am

    dear azure blue…
    admiring your womanly siren-ness….opened up to the possibility….became vunerable….learned, learning so much about relationship….and most importantly so loving and filling and honoring yourself….

    bravo

    big hug to you as you continue on this path….firmly, not without alot of emotion, on your beautiful and magestic steed…with wisdom and love in your heart…



  138.  #138Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 5:47 am

    Kim #134 & 131
    Thank you for your encouragment and thoughtful
    sharing…means so much… lovely Siren…

    I have tried to stay open and be tolerant by listening and asking questions…
    the last time I felt sooo judged… He might have felt verbally attached… :-((

    Interesting how you were able to negotiate a relationship with a religious man even though you consider yourself an athiest…

    I will welcome a dialogue and try and be more curious and less agitated with our next conversation…



  139.  #139Linda on September 29, 2014 at 5:48 am

    Kim My comment to Azure was pointed toward what she has mentioned several times. Spiritual beliefs and the differences between hers and his and that is why he is not her “the one” .

    Yes anything is possible.

    xo



  140.  #140Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Azure!!

    Brilliant!! Learning more about what he believes, and opening the door to let him teach you something about it. That is absolutely brilliant- and EXACTLY what I did

    After my husband literally broke up with me, 2 weeks after spending time together, dating- we still saw each other out and around- and I basically just said, “teach me something- tell me about this stuff (spiritual stuff). You are so passionate about….

    He gave me a book, And me being the bookish gal I am-

    It was extremely romantic… Haha…

    We started having “study dates”. Where we would talk about how he came to his view and experiences- and I was able to tell him about more that I wanted to get spiritually…

    I dare say in many ways it was a major turn on for both of us.

    He did end up proposing after all 😉

    You are so awesome, Azure.

    Love,
    Natalina



  141.  #141Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 5:51 am

    (((Azure Blu)))

    You are such a wonderful, warm, feminine woman who is always so overflowing with kindness and caring here on the blog – any man would be lucky to have you!

    x



  142.  #142Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 5:54 am

    Natalina #135
    Wow… how interesting to hear how you and your man negotiate religious differences…

    I don’t want him to compromise too much of what he wants… but having his spiritual journey be MORE personal is something I have shared with him off and on….
    Thank you for being open and generous with the story of this aspect of YOUR relationship.



  143.  #143Kim on September 29, 2014 at 6:01 am

    141 couldn’t agree more with Indigo.
    Azure, are you open to dating others, as well as being open to listen and talk with Spirit?



  144.  #144Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 6:01 am

    Linda… Thank you for the huggggss lovely Siren…
    I feel heard…

    Yes,,, You are remembering
    I was raised with this same religious belief…
    Which consist of:
    We are alll sinners and ANYONE who does NOT believe
    and become born again is going to HELL!!!
    And NOT only that, but We MUST all eat, pray, read the bible, go to church the EXACT right way (the way they interpret the Bible)

    it is SOOOO NOT Christ/God like???? It is VERY confusing to me
    how people who claim to love Jesus can be soooo unloving???

    Since Spirit was sooo convinced we were PERFECT for each other…. I was hoping maybe he was more tolerant…
    I haven’t seen that yet?



  145.  #145Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Kim and Linda-

    It is still something to keep a pulse on. For many mixed spiritual beliefs just won’t work. And 99.9% of the time trying to leave that relationship alone will still feel like you heart is being ripped out your stomach (is that too graphic? ). I know I have felt that way

    Though my go to is to congratulate my self, love myself for being curious here- wanting to let more love into my life– for wanting to be accommodating … For caring .

    For everything – anything I can think of I will praise myself for going there and then love up the parts of myself that just are all raw and triggered

    tHEN – I come up with how I want to go next time- and bring it up early on in the relationship, because getting attached to someone that will leave a lot still wanting just doesn’t serve me

    Tell myself I went there already, and I feel afraid, and I want him….(acknowledge all the feelings that come up, and love them exactly as they are)

    This is expanding love. Expanding your heart. Thus is you leveling up.

    A great point to in the very least be aware of- so thanks to both Kim and Linda for keeping that thread alive. We have all wondered about that.

    Love,
    Natalina



  146.  #146Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 6:15 am

    lovetodance….
    Ohhhh… how lovely to see you here!!!
    I have been thinking about YOU… How are YOU doing?

    Thank you for your kind… warm words…

    When I read what you wrote… I started feeling a temper tantrum coming on in my gut!!!
    NOOOOOO…. I CAN;T do THIS!!!
    A tightening in MY chest…
    All of these things that You lovely sirens are encouraging ME to do (and I am saying I will do)
    Mean… I will NEED TO be even MORE authentic and Vulnerable… (which feels sooo weak to me)
    It means ME OPENING UP MY HEART…
    This is VERY Scary!!!

    In MY mind – I was accusing him of backing off…

    It is probably ME
    Instead of sharing how I was missing him, needing to see him more and needing to talk on the phone MORE
    I was stuffing my feelings… NOT sharing what I wanted…
    maybe that’s why I got upset about his religion…



  147.  #147Femininewoman on September 29, 2014 at 6:19 am

    Azure I love it that you make the effort to learn about what he believes. I believe we are at our best when we stay open to learning.

    One thing that felt to me in your comment was “and be tolerant by listening”. Changing the tolerance to curiosity is what feel safe to me. I hate to think people are only tolerating me. I prefer being understood and accepted.



  148.  #148Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 6:20 am

    Linda… Thank you for the huggggss lovely Siren…
    I feel heard…

    This went into moderation sooo I tried to fix it a bit

    Yes,,, You are remembering
    I was raised with this same religious belief…
    Which consist of:
    We are alll s*nners and ANYONE who does NOT believe
    and become born again is going to h**ll!!
    And NOT only that, but We MUST all eat, pray, read the b*ble, go to church the EXACT right way (the way they interpret the B*ble)

    it is SOOOO NOT Chr*st/G*d like???? It is VERY confusing to me
    how people who claim to love Jes*s can be soooo unloving???

    Since Spirit was sooo convinced we were PERFECT for each other…. I was hoping maybe he was more tolerant…
    I haven’t seen that yet?



  149.  #149Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 6:22 am

    ((((Indigo)))) #141
    Ohhhh… thank you for these loving, kind words…
    they brought happy tears to my eyes!!!



  150.  #150Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 6:25 am

    FW #147
    Thank you for your praise… it means sooo much!!!

    You are sooo right… curiosity works better for me…

    Actually that is my concern with HIS respecting of My
    Spiritual beliefs…
    I Don’t want to be simply tolerated



  151.  #151Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 6:36 am

    Natalina #145
    That IS exactly what this is all feeling like…
    MY HEART Expanding…
    Changing a Lifelong pattern
    and ME TRYING desperately to keep things the same!!!

    I LOVE MY heart just like it is!!!
    My heart is perfect just like it is…
    I LOVE MY fear
    I love my feeling of weakness
    I LOVE my unworthiness
    I love ALLLL of ME!!!
    I LOVE feeling ALLL of MY Feelings
    Feelings ARE sooo GOOOD!



  152.  #152Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 6:48 am

    Kim #132
    What a warm, and strong Siren you are
    and I am taking notes about negotiating
    a Forever relationship while CDing!!!

    You are the Sexy Poster Girl for this!!!

    Wow!!! Girl… MoM… is really stepping up!!!

    What a fun and romantic date… kayaking on the open water!!!

    I feel happy hearing he is wanting to introduce YOU to his sister!!! Yay!!!
    very romantic of him to say… You know I only want to be with you!!!
    Mmmmm… I am loving this!!!



  153.  #153Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Yay Azure!!!

    This process you are supporting yourself through right now is EXACTLY where the miracles start to happen.

    You are on the fast track now!

    Love to you!!!

    Natalina



  154.  #154Linda on September 29, 2014 at 6:53 am

    Natalina: Thank you for sharing your personal experience with this.
    Our personal beliefs are very important to all of us.
    They are after all part of what makes us who we are. Being put down for them or being told we are wrong or rejected for them can feel like an extra low blow and extra bad or insulting. You couldnt ask for a more sure way to shut down or close up.

    I really like how you were open and warm and inviting. Asking a man to “teach , share with you what they are passionate about” is absolutely brilliant. Just typing that here evokes an open hopefulness in me. How appealing! I feel inspired to try this in areas where I encounter differences even if it just to listen (level 2 style) , lean back and receive. I know how energizing and special I feel when I am approached like that not to mention the shift in the dymanics and vibe it would create.
    I am taking notes here. !!



  155.  #155Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 7:06 am

    Linda,

    You are so awesome!!! 😀



  156.  #156Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 7:30 am

    Natalina

    I am wondering… I have not spoken to Spirit since our agitated (mainly me) discussion on Wed. night…

    He texted me on Fri and I textd him back…
    I’ve been leaning back…
    Should I just wait for him to contact Me?
    Thanks



  157.  #157Victoria on September 29, 2014 at 7:54 am

    @Azure Blu 155
    I apologize for answering a question not directed to me, but how about be very busy taking great care of yourself instead of wait for him?
    I am writing this for me more than I am writing it for you, dear Azure.
    I have caught myself keeping myself available for my man, waiting for him to call. I do this because sometimes when he calls, I already have other plans, but I sooo long to be with him rather than with anybody else, and I know if he calls and I am unavailable I will try to reschedule everything, just to be with him. We are all guilty of the same sins, it is just so much easier to see othet people’s mistakes than your own. But I am learning so much from you, thank you for beeing here!



  158.  #158Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 8:00 am

    Victoria…
    Thank you lovely Siren!!!

    Yes… I agree…. and so does Natalina… I will continue to lean back… It makes it much easier with all the siren support!!!
    Actually this gives me the time I NEED to dive deep inside of MY feelings and see what this is Triggering and needs healing!!!
    Love and kisses!!



  159.  #159Natalina on September 29, 2014 at 8:33 am

    Victoria – what you said has definitely been one of those universal themes,

    I know I have wanted to reschedule my life for a guy… So we are really all experiencing a lot of the same stuff

    I love how you expressed that though “…I so long to be with him…” I totally get that.

    Thanks for sharing!!!

    Love,
    Natalina



  160.  #160Lucy on September 29, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Hello beautiful Sirens,

    Well, I just broke all the rules! And it feels just fine 🙂

    CDatwork and I have been getting closer. So then, of course, he did a pullback by acting mean to me when I wanted to talk to him.

    So I called techieCD. Haven’t seen or heard from him in 6 weeks. Thought it was really over. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. His ex wife got mad at him when she discovered he was dating. Still many tentacles from that relationship.

    But he was delighted to hear my voice. He sounded very open. Talked about our times together as “magical”.

    And so we’re seeing each other this Friday.

    It will be interesting. I guess I was Siren in the way that I leaned way back when he was canceling our dates right and left.

    Go figure….

    Lucy



  161.  #161Kim on September 29, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Ah Azure, thank you for thise loving and sweet words directed at me…made me feel about a head taller haha.
    And also, yes, I do like where things are going with MoM…one step at a time. Right now, this feels good to me…I also always have a few CD’s hanging about so I can have a nice evening with male attention anytime I want and don’t need to focus on one so much, even though he is my favorite.

    As for Spirit, I understand better now. Whoa. It would trigger me too, to be confronted with such an extremist view of the B*ble and religion. In essence he believes you would go to h*ll I guess…ugh. I have real trouble feeling curiosity or tolerance of this type of scaremongering and guilting people into submission…and yes, now I understand why this is perhaps quite different to just being a somewhat religious person who likes to go to church..this is somewhat extreme.
    I am sorry….I guess it would feel bad dating him eventually anyway, if he continued in that vein….as I can’t see you buyi into that interpretation of religion (as I could not).
    That sucks.



  162.  #162Sassy on September 29, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Azure,

    Has SpiritCD been stubborn or closed minded about any other subjects or just the religious beliefs?
    I had an interesting text from a cd the other day. I had asked him if he had changed his mind about something and his response was “the female is the only one that can change our minds”
    So I’m wondering how influential you could potentially be on him toward at least a compromise on your different beliefs.



  163.  #163Mandy on September 29, 2014 at 10:21 am

    Looks like i need to put a little speech together…

    I feel uncomfy about some pictures and things left up online on dating sites by my guy; we both forgot about them, and since I have gone back to the sites, I realized they were pretty old posts, but they still make me feel shaky, and embarrassed. I’m sure if I ask him to take them down he will not have a problem. I just feel shaky asking because it’s a shaky issue, it’s embarrassing and I hate asking guys to do stuff like this because he may feel sheepish or like he did something way wrong. He’s so very tender-hearted, I can make him wilt with a word or two, and I don’t want to. I intend to be as understanding as possible, and open, and hear him out, but I do not expect him to be argumentative, he actually said himself he needs to take them down.

    So a little practice for me today…lol…isn’t it funny ladies…when we feel so sheepish to mention something sometimes that’s bugging us? It is a funny feeling in my stomach area, where I feel, oh, chaos, chaos, you’re going to upset him! 😛

    I have gotten so much better at handling this stuff though, by leaps and bounds.



  164.  #164Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Mandy,

    How about the classic: “I feel so shaky/silly/nervous/reluctant to bring this up, yet I feel some dread and embarrassment about those photos that are still up. Is there something we can do here? Can you help?”



  165.  #165Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Kim,

    Woohoo about MoM asking you to meet his sister!! 🙂



  166.  #166Mandy on September 29, 2014 at 10:50 am

    Indigo,

    Sounds great! Lol, I’m glad you commented back soon because I’m kind of sitting here in my chair stewing and suffering a bit over this. I mean I forgot about it for so long it probably sounds weird to bring up now. But it’s really pretty fucking ridiculous for him to have pictures up depicting him being intimate with someone else, when we’ve been committed to one another for two full years. You see he is a photographer and he did an implied or simulated sexual photo involving him and another model, and it is still up on two websites.

    I understand that this is his art, but number one, the photo is about six years old and it’s not enhancing his portfolio for him to find new models, number two, he doesn’t do erotic photography anymore, and number three and most important, it makes me feel angry and bad, why in the world would I be exclusive to a guy who has a photo up on these websites of him having simulated oral sex with someone else? What’s saving me from exhibiting similar behavior?

    I feel very hot on this issue right now. I almost want to go wake him up but that would be a disaster. I hate being stuck in a feeling like this, it is a pickle…I feel consumed by anger and this awful feeling right now.



  167.  #167Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 10:53 am

    I really liked what Zara said above about not assuming that just because someone (a man) is not showing vulnerability like we would that they are not being vulnerable.

    I got to experience this last night. D leaned over and wrapped me in his arms and said “I’m going to sleep soon so here is your cuddle” and I have come to see this is as a peculiar form of vulnerability on his part. I have said in the past that I like to have a cuddle before going to sleep – now, I don’t see it as a must, but it does soothe me and make me feel all is right with the world and help me sleep. And he has taken this on board as his own special “thing” that he will always do for me. And because it is something he is specifically doing to make me happy – even though it is a small thing and something he also enjoys – it makes me feel that in that moment I am getting a glimpse into his heart. It’s a cool feeling.



  168.  #168Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Ladies,

    I feel SO thrilled, Wednesday is my first day of finishing work at 2 pm. I feel absolutely giddy at the thought of finishing work everyday at 2 pm. I feel SO much happier, I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. I am just fantasizing about all the things I’m going to do with all that extra time and energy. I will be able to take myself off for a massage, or go for a long walk, or put on some music and clean my kitchen. Or have a nap. Oh it is such a lovely, happy feeling.



  169.  #169Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Indigo #167…
    HOOORAY for getting off at 2 pm everyday!!!
    You are a VERY lucky lady!!!
    :-)) It sounds like YOU are going to enjoy this soooo much…

    How sweetly you shared the precious and vulnerable moment with D… and how men’s tender heart is Soooo lovely…

    I know I must have shamed Spirit in some way when I told him that I couldn’t listen to his dialogue or philosophy anymore… (making him feel NOT safe with me)
    He too has a tender heart (like most ALL of us).

    I can see more clearly that by ME NOT sharing how I was missing him and needing More time on the phone…
    My anxiety came out in a blast about something entirely different!
    I have a bad habit of doing this!!! :-(((

    I did sooo love what Zara shared… When you mentioned it I reread it… It is a fairly complex concept sooo I understood it better the second time.

    “Yeah, experiencing the world through my own being rather than through others’ teaching,
    others’ judgment.

    Yeah, getting acquainted with my own truth,
    noticing my own feelings in spite of beliefs taught by families or friends or gurus or books or churches or political parties.

    Yeah, dropping walls and sharing what I empirically know,
    vulnerable, may be exposed to the reaction this might bring back to me
    but over all connected to my true self, Love.

    Yeah, dropping expectations,
    and experiencing the others just the way they are.”



  170.  #170Dominique on September 29, 2014 at 11:35 am

    Mandy – 163 – You have this. 🙂

    “I just feel shaky and embarrassed even asking this, yet I came across some pictures and posts, and now I find myself feeling shaky/uncomfortable/anxious/insecure/bad. Can you help me with this?”

    xxoo



  171.  #171Dominique on September 29, 2014 at 11:43 am

    AzureBlu and others – Here’s more on this topic (sort of, for I’m not able to find the article I had in mind though maybe this one is bettter?) about allowing another to be who they are.

    http://sexandheart.com/practicing-openness/

    xxoo



  172.  #172Dominique on September 29, 2014 at 11:44 am

    While I was searching, I came across this one which seems apropos.

    http://sexandheart.com/romantic-love-and-triggers/

    xxoo



  173.  #173Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Azure Blu 168,

    “I know I must have shamed Spirit in some way when I told him that I couldn’t listen to his dialogue or philosophy anymore… (making him feel NOT safe with me)
    He too has a tender heart (like most ALL of us).

    I can see more clearly that by ME NOT sharing how I was missing him and needing More time on the phone…
    My anxiety came out in a blast about something entirely different!
    I have a bad habit of doing this!!! :-(((”

    I have done this so many times. What a gift this man has given you if you can be aware of this.



  174.  #174Mandy on September 29, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    The funny part….is I’m having some very hard trouble finding ANY vulnerability here. I’m pretty dead-set on this issue. Cold, and just aggressive-feeling about it. Like I want to quash it. Like I want to take my gigantic steel boot and stamp it out of existence leaving a hole as big as a house.

    I need to dig emotionally here:

    I love J. The love I feel is soft as an easy chair…I would never want for him to feel awful, so why does part of me …want to make him feel awful???

    Ugh…gross! Part of me wants him to feel awful…how awful is that???

    Okay that feels bad…I don’t want that…so I ultimately don’t want him to feel bad…

    If I don’t want him to feel bad, I will have to stay gentle, and focus on his humanness…and how I don’t want him to feel bad…

    I might just say the fact that I feel all these things and i need his help, then hear the answer, accept it then leave him be and remember his humanness. It’s tough, it really is. That feeling in my chest makes my mind go blank when I’m trying to script. It’s the anxiety gripping me.

    But it’s not that hard to speak those few words, lol…

    Mmm…I feel…bad/sad/mad, can you help me? It might squeak out, but I can get it out…

    What do you know ladies…there it is, there’s my vulnerability, I found it, lol 🙂

    Just call me squeaks….lol…:P



  175.  #175Kristi Ann on September 29, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    I felt goosebumps reading and listening to this post. I was moved by how strong this message is. How important it is to be aware of being a feminist, not a man-hater.
    It gives me strength to know that it is not a matter of being dominant, but being equal.
    And the statement:
    “There is the world – and there is the relationship between two people.”

    Our political and economic rights do not have to force us into being dominant in our relationship rights. We can do this by being proud to be a feminine power, and allowing our man to be the masculine… and it is up to us what kind of relationship we want and will accept.
    Thank you Rori. This was beautiful…



  176.  #176Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Indigo #172…
    You always help me feel better… :->

    How have you managed to stop this habit?



  177.  #177Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Dominique!!! lovely lady…
    Thank you for these links… They are a gentle reminder of loving ways to approach relationships…
    Just what I needed!



  178.  #178Rori Raye on September 29, 2014 at 1:41 pm

    Kristi Ann! – Everyone – this is one of my new coaches – http://www.KristiAnnCoaching.com – Kristi’s awesome and unique (ALL my new trainees are), very calm, very…well, she makes me want to just go all limp and put my life in her hands, she feels so trustworthy! (You have to hear her voice – try her out…) Love, Rori



  179.  #179Dominique on September 29, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    AzureBlu – I just LOVE your voice – AND you. Thank you for being here. 🙂

    xxoo



  180.  #180Emerson on September 29, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    Indigo and Kristina.
    thank you for replying to me and I do appreciate you are trying to support me with your comments.

    I feel prickly and frustrated and I feel hesitant to say this because I don’t want to step on anyones toes,

    it feels dismissive and insensitive to be told that if I just stay busy enough or date enough I won’t feel bad about my family and friends that don’t reach out to me and I won’t feel so lonely. I do enjoy my own company and I enjoy my alone time.

    When people say oh I’m so happy to spend time alone I don’t need anyone because I enjoy my own company soo much…I say bulls#it even to the most reclusive of introverts. We all need close relationships. And when some of them fade away it feels PAINFUL.

    Staying “busy”…Somehow that feels like an inauthentic approach and a way of hiding from the true feelings and experience and it really doesn’t acknowledge how I feel about the situation. I can’t replace absent family members with “dating” or “new things”…it feels trivializing.

    So the idea is to stay busy so you don’t have to think about it. To me that sounds like stuffing down feelings and it sounds like a way of escaping. It also sounds tiresome and draining.

    This is not a warm and fuzzy post and I just felt like I needed to be authentic and express how the comments come across to someone who is hurting.

    I’m not necessarily looking for a solution or for someone to tell me how to fix my feelings I am just venting sometimes.



  181.  #181Kristi Ann on September 29, 2014 at 2:15 pm

    Wow. Thank you Rori! I feel there are so many wonderful voices in here. Including my fellow colleagues. Unique and sensitive and empowering. I’ve been blessed to experience the passion we all have for helping women rise above and receive love and healthy relationships.

    Thank you for giving us that.



  182.  #182Kim on September 29, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    (((Emerson)))
    I understand…sometimes venting is good!!
    Sometimes we don’t want solutions/being told what to do or not to do…we just want to share.
    And not feel ‘judged’….I hear you.



  183.  #183Sassy on September 29, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    Emerson

    I feel your pain. I am extremely introverted, highly sensitive and codependent. I work at home so have very little interaction with others.
    I basically have no friends right now and at my age, 59, I find it’s harder and harder to build close, long term friendships.
    I could go on about my loneliness, but I am choosing to stay happy and positive although it is very difficult.

    You will find love, sweet siren. Don’t ever give up!



  184.  #184Kristi Ann on September 29, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    (((Emerson)))

    Normally, I don’t respond to too many people in Rori’s posts because I feel it can get a little mixed messages. But your comments struck something inside me. I am a deeply passionate person about the people I love and let into my heart. I want them to be on the same giving level as I am, or at least try and be part of my life. I have been on the receiving end of so many who just don’t put in the effort and it leaves me a little brokenhearted.
    While this is not to say that I should just go do other things to keep my mind busy, my heart still feels the loss… However, keeping busy in social areas helps build new connections. No one is replaceable but building a new network of love is always a positive choice for me.
    You said you’re not looking for answers, but I did feel your call of noting that nothing should be stuffed away and feelings should not be ignored. and I agree 100%. What’s amazing though, for me… is I believe that we all have the ability to forgive the loss of being a priority and at least acknowledge emotions like resentment and sadness, then reach out to places of love and truth. No one can blame you for feeling any emotion you want.



  185.  #185Emerson on September 29, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    Thank you Kristin Ann Sassy and Kim.
    Sassy thank you for sharing about yourself with us. I feel a heavy heart reading your words and want to give you a hug.

    I have a couple of close friends that I have met in the past couple of years. They are great and I cherish them. It’s not the same though as the friends who have known me for many years and we share a long history. Sometimes I feel “homesick” for those friendships as they are distant now.



  186.  #186Dominique on September 29, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Emerson – I SO understand how you feel. The last time I had a close friend was back when I was a teenager, and though I won’t say how old I am, suffice it to say that was a very long time ago.

    And yes it can feel very lonely.

    Even when I lived in CA, everyone I knew was always SO busy. And now we move around regularly making lasting bonds impossible.

    And like Sassy, I’m home most of the day aside from my walks and ballet classes for which I feel very thankful, my respite from loneliness and isolation.

    And I feel SO very thankful for the online friendships I’ve created, my connection to the world. And I feel the most thankful for K. I feel sure the loneliness would weigh most heavily on my heart was he not my beloved man.

    And I don’t know that there’s a “solution” here aside from – I understand. I sometimes long for close women friendships that I just don’t have and don’t really see ever having.

    I also want to offer to you that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk and just BE together.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  187.  #187Emerson on September 29, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    (((Dominique)))



  188.  #188Amazed on September 29, 2014 at 5:23 pm

    I am exclusive with a man who may be Mr. Right..he is in touch with his feelings..we are talking about the future..there is nothing he wouldn’t do for me. Except for sex. He has had traumatic experiences in the past of women cheating on him and says he trusts me 98%. He has said he knows that there is a possibility that I may look elsewhere if he can’t make love to me. And…that may be a possibility I agree but haven’t told him that. I am trying to be patient..he knows he needs to talk to a professional but can’t afford to. He has talked to his doctor about it and hopefully will find someone to talk to. We have been exclusive for 7 1/2 mos. If I try to initiate he gets upset and says that I should just let things happen naturally. Well..nothing is happening. We kiss and hug and when it gets more passionate he backs off. I am feeling frustrated and it seems like the only time he feels like doing something is when I am not around. I guess I will have to accept he has issues and I have to decide if this is something I can live with or not. I already know i can’t but I feel bad because I do love this guy..its just our relationship does not feel complete if you know what I mean. How can I word it to him so not to sound blamey…sigh…



  189.  #189Amazed on September 29, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    My chest feels tight..I feel neglected and unloved. I said I love you to him first..I wish I could take it back. We were just together for 4 nights..he would cuddle but that’s it. I want him to kiss and ravish me and make love to me. I want to feel that emotional bond that only comes with havinv sex with a man. I don’t want him to remain thinking sex is bad and dirty..it a a beautiful thing that 2 people in love share….



  190.  #190Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    Sassy #162
    Lovely Siren… thank you for that insight from Your cd…

    He is open minded to most other things…
    fairly adamant about his Politics (which are polar opposite to mine, of course)

    If and when he contacts ME I will try and use feeling messages about these topics.



  191.  #191Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    DominiQue #179
    oxoxoxo….



  192.  #192Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    Amazed…
    Lovely Siren… I feel sad that you are sooo frustrated and feeling sexually unattractive…
    Here is what Rori says
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/attraction/what-to-do-if-he-doesnt-want-to-have-sex-with-you/



  193.  #193Dominique on September 29, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    Amazed – 189 – Does this feel like something you can say to him?

    Sometimes I feel regret that I said I love you first, yet it’s how I feel. And I would love for us to work out. It would feel so good to be kissed and ravished me and have you make love to me. I long to feel that emotional bond that only comes with sharing our bodies sexually. Sex is such a beautiful thing two people in love have the joy in sharing, and I would love to share this with you. What can we do here?How can we fix this?

    xxoo



  194.  #194Mandy on September 29, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Amazed,

    I just went through a stint of 7 months with no intercourse with my man. I know how it feels to feel that passion and want for the man, and not get it…oh so frustrating, sad and lonely… But I guarantee you if you love on yourself, date yourself, and keep in mind you are that yummy pie, he will notice and oblige! Trust me, I dealt with the toughest one of them all when it came to this…my guy was frozen stiff about sex for a long while, following a traumatic time and unemployment.

    But don’t push for the sex…just let it come to you…let it go for now and focus on your yummyness and it will show up I’ve found. 🙂

    Ever notice when stuff/people show up, when you stop trying hard? 🙂 Try softer 🙂



  195.  #195Sassy on September 29, 2014 at 6:16 pm

    Thank you Emerson, for the acknowledgement. I feel warm hearted.



  196.  #196Amazed on September 29, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Thank you Azure Blu, Dominique and Mandy…I feel heard and cared about by you lovely sirens 🙂 <3 I will take all your advice..thank you..



  197.  #197Beloved on September 29, 2014 at 6:32 pm

    Azure Blue – the talk of politics reminded me of a speech by Kathyln Hendricks I found some time back and saved it if I ever needed it again:

    http://www.alternet.org/story/109070/can_you_date_someone_with_bad_politics

    “Honest, feeling-ful communication has created many miracles in the three decades of our work with people going through relationship distress. Simply saying how you feel and what you are experiencing creates new openings and collaboration. This communication might sound like, “At first I was shocked when I heard your opinions, but when I really listened to myself I realize I feel sad. I don’t know what to do. I feel distant from you right now. I’m scared about this gap between us.”

    This might not sound like bridge-building conversation, but authentic sharing actually creates intimacy quicker than anything else. Bridge-building is also furthered by the quality of your listening. Rather than righteously rebutting, you can choose to listen generously to what your partner wants. You can listen under the words to the deep intention. For example, you may hear between the spoken words that your partner wants to create safety for your children or a different career track that s/he can’t quite envision yet. You can breathe and open your posture to receive from each other. You can choose to reflect what is actually being said to you rather than your opinion about what is being said. You can drop the words out and continue the conversation with sounds and gestures. You might find that you start exploring, wondering or even playing with each other about an issue you were fighting about moments before.”



  198.  #198Femininewoman on September 29, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Emerson I love it. I feel your sassiness in that post.



  199.  #199Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    Beloved… I read the link…
    Thank you sooo much darling Siren…
    Very interesting!!



  200.  #200Emerson on September 29, 2014 at 10:39 pm

    198 thanks FW



  201.  #201Victoria on September 29, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    @ Amazed 188.
    Based on my experience, s*x is such a huge topic for a man, he will not want to be with a woman forever, unless he can have great s*x with her. And here I mean great, not just to be able to perform.
    The possibility that you may look elsewhere is in fact the possibility that he will need to look elsewhere to find his forever woman. I know how much it hurts to realize that something very important is missing, and that you need to go back to the drawing board (i.e. dating) one more time, but it happens to all of us, all the time.
    Also, I need to tell you, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting physical pleasure and initiating. It means you are human, healthy, and attracted to him. He should be able to respond in a way that makes you feel accepted and validated, and
    asking you to be patient is just the worst response possible. He can please you in several ways even if he is not turned on, and his refusal to deal with the situation one way or another does no good to you.
    I read also what Mandy said that she has had a similar experience and it all worked out in the end, so I need to tell you, for me it never worked. I have tried to work around s*x problems in relationships where it was problematic, and it never worked for me. At my age I recognize that I am not a psychologist, not a s*x therapist, and having great s*x with the man is a basic requirement, and that I am not interested to develop the skills and/or patience to deal with the absence of it.
    I just wanted to share with you my perspective, and I wish you the best of luck in finding your own answers.



  202.  #202Azure Blu on September 29, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    Victoria,,,,
    Thank you for being so vulnerable and authentic!!!

    I agree with what you are saying and
    freely admit, I do NOT have the skills to understand or be helpful (which, I believe, is NOT what we are supposed to do when following the RR way)
    when a man is not turned on or interested in sex…
    I have stopped dating several men when I realized this was the case….



  203.  #203Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    Azure Blu 176,

    I wouldn’t say I’ve entirely stopped it, but I’d say I mostly have and it can feel difficult (because wow, I used to do this SO much, I cringe when I think of it). But I’d say for me it’s been a case of slowing right down in the moment, slowing my thoughts down to a crawl, asking myself “what am I really feeling?”

    For me it’s a case of, I *know* deep down to my toes, I KNOW that I value this relationship above whatever this issue is. So I try to find it in myself to share from that place of love inside myself, rather than the frustration/anger I may be feeling in the moment (which I know will pass). Though I must say, sometimes a bit of a time-out is the best thing.



  204.  #204Indigo on September 29, 2014 at 11:43 pm

    Emerson,

    I feel so sad that you seem to have misunderstood my post, as my intention truly was to try to be caring and supportive. Could this possibly be something for you to look at, not to assume people are being flippant about your feelings, but to see how they might be trying to love you?

    I hear you that you were just trying to vent, and I apologise if my post came out as trying to fix things or offer solutions. Sometimes I do that and it is not always the right response.

    The last thing I would ever be is flippant about this. There are so many people, what feels like too many to count, who I was once close to who are not in my life any more, the most profound of which is my beloved brother whom I loved with all my heart who died some years ago. My dad, whom I spent so long wishing would overcome his issues who has chosen to distance himself. Many close friends. My once best friend whom I thought we would never grow apart, and this is exactly what has happened. Guys whom I have been involved with or friends with, who have chosen not to be friends any more, whose sweet gentle energy I miss in my life so much. I must confess I do not understand this aspect of human nature at all, as I find closeness to be so incredibly precious.

    I carry this sadness with me every day, and if I allowed it, it could overwhelm me. I do not stuff the sadness or longing at all, I assure you, I give myself time to feel it, but I try not to live there. My point was not “oh I’m just so happy in my own company I don’t need anyone else” NOT AT ALL. My close relationships are my lifeblood. I’m just saying I have learnt not to discount the value of me, the one who has been there for me through it all, and I try to honour the time I spend with myself.

    I also try to honour the people who have not left me. Like Dominique says, where would she be without K? I remember one New Year’s Eve my family and my best friend were away for the holidays, and I couldn’t go and I missed them. I was staying with D and he could tell I was sad and he asked what was wrong, and I said it was all these people were not here. And he said “I’m here”, and I just wanted to hug him because he WAS here for me in that moment. It gave me such a shift in my thinking, because here was this person who was so precious to me, and he was right in front of me.

    I send you love and hugs Emerson x



  205.  #205Indigo on September 30, 2014 at 12:11 am

    I also long for those close women friendships in real life, I truly do. I long for friends who understand my introverted sensitivity and don’t hold it against me, but appreciate and value the special brand of closeness I bring to relationships. I really do. I don’t know if there is a solution, I just try to create it and enjoy it where I can.

    I feel so thankful for this blog and for you ladies. I really do.



  206.  #206Victoria on September 30, 2014 at 12:39 am

    @Indigo 205
    I am an extreme extrovert, and my best female friend is an extreme introvert. She never calls me, I am always the one to initiate a conversation, she is perennially late, she never gives advice, and it seems quite likely that I am the only friend she has in her life. I love her with all my heart, and she is the only person with whom I can spend an unlimited amout of time with, and I will enjoy every second if it. She is the best listener in the world, has never ever judged me, has done things way out of her comfort zone for me, and is the only truly angelic person that I have ever met.
    In fact, right after I finish this, I will call her to tell her how much I like spending time with her, and how much she means to me. I am sure someone thinks about you in the exact same way!
    It is just we extroverts are highly egocentric, and forget to praise the people who support us in a way dirrerent than what our own personality allows, but we honestly, can not live without you.



  207.  #207Kellie Hatch on September 30, 2014 at 1:49 am

    Aloha Sirens.

    I’m excited to be here and am loving the coaching program with Rori.
    I love that Emma Watson is calling on men to help with the movement for gender equality.



  208.  #208Indigo on September 30, 2014 at 2:08 am

    Wow Victoria,

    What a beautiful post. Thank you so much. It really touched me and gave me quite a beautiful reminder to look at things in a different way.

    I think I do tend to appreciate people who support me in an unusual way, people who are not like the norm, people who seem to love me without judging me or demanding anything of me – I love these people with all my heart! I loved your description.

    Someone I can spend unlimited time with is so precious to me – D is that person for me and I absolutely treasure him, he is so sensitive and introverted and unusual himself.

    Thanks xx



  209.  #209Victoria on September 30, 2014 at 2:18 am

    @ Azure Blue 202
    Thanks for supporting me, it always feel nice to hear someone agrees with you :-).
    You know, I am wondering whether it is appropriate here to be 100% honest… I know I try to be both honest and also kind to the people I talk to, here, but also in every day life. I am just afraid that when I speak my truth, it might be hurtful to someone who has a different background, or experience, or just can’t connect.
    Even if I try to say it gently, it will still be hurtful, but here it goes. From my experience, when a man can not have s*x with you, all it means is that he can not have it WITH YOU. More often than not, it means he is having this need met somewhere else, and you are getting the bullshit excuse that he is too shy/too poor to talk to a professional. So the question really is, are you ok with him doing someone else while figuring out whether he wants to be with you forever. Some women do choose to wait him out, sometimes (in at least 50% of the cases) the other woman will have less tollerance for bushit and will eventually leave the scene. So it is a choice.



  210.  #210Victoria on September 30, 2014 at 6:22 am

    May I vent some myself?
    I told my FavoriteCD that I am busy tonight because I was invited to have dinner with RichCD (first called, first booked :-). I would obviously prefer Favorite, but he was too late to book me. Rich just sent me a text that he needs to cancel today and suggests tomorrow. I hate rebooking, plus I am kind of busy tomorrow. I am trying to get hold of Favorite now but he is not picking up his phone… I do not want to have a night free, so I booked an appointment for mani-pedi and will go to the gym aftewards, so I will be dating myself. Sh*t, I still hate that I booked myself for Rich, he is so unreliable… I have not responded to him whether I will be free tomorrow, will see how the day plays. I hate it so much when men cancel!



  211.  #211Azure Blu on September 30, 2014 at 7:02 am

    Victoria #209
    I hate it too when men cancel and want to reschedule… too many times and I get REALLY annoyed!!!

    Spirit has a tendency to do this… the last time I made up an excuse and dated myself!!! He was surprised…

    My family and friends reminded me that I have done this to them and others on a regular basis…
    Mmmmm well now I see how it FEELS!!! :-/



  212.  #212Azure Blu on September 30, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Veronica #208
    Lovely lady… as far as honesty/authenticity…
    If NOT here, on Siren Island, then where…

    This is where I get my practice in learning how to be vulnerable…
    practice in sharing my feelings AND my truth with care and gentleness.
    I could be wrong, but when I (and others) feel triggered I will speak up here on the blog…

    And most of the time we all preface our comments with… This is My opinion, or This has been true for me… In MY life…



  213.  #213Azure Blu on September 30, 2014 at 7:12 am

    (((Indigo))) #203
    Ohhhh… what helpful comments!!! Thank you!!
    I want to try these…

    I used to be VERY bad at damning up my feelings and then EXPLODING on whomever… It was NOT good…
    I am sooo much better now

    But after the interaction with Spirit last week
    I saw what happens when I haven’t taken the time
    to share what I am REALLY feeling…
    Yay… one step closer to LOVING ME and
    Others more gently and softly!!



  214.  #214Victoria on September 30, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Azure 210,
    thanks so much, I love a sympathetic ear!
    It is not too bad I refused to see Favorite, he needs to learn that asking me on Monday for a Tuesday date is too late… But then again, life happens.
    At the same time, as a matter of principle, I do not cancel on people. Most of my CDs do this occasionally, and I have had some serious thinking whether it is acceptable, and whether it is ok for me to do it once in a while. At the end I decided that I will still not cancel on anyone, friend or CD. Two points:
    1) this is what comes naturally to me, I am a punctual and reliable person, this is just who I am
    2) even if the other person is less punctual or reliable than me, I will still be myself, and try to lead by positive example. If they follow: great, if they don’t: I still like myself the way I am.



  215.  #215Femininewoman on September 30, 2014 at 8:29 am

    RE 213 Victoria you also don’t want to put it out there that you are set in your ways and inflexible. You have good reason not to have accepted Favorite invite. No explanations needed. You were busy. Rich eventually had to cancel for what I am sure he had good reason. The day likely will come that you might have to cancel yourself so I encourage you not to be rigid with Favorite. Hopefully this one time is enough for him to learn that he has to move fast enough if he wants to get in your dance card.

    Regarding being punctual and reliable, I believe the time will come when you might need to decide if a relationship means more to you than being punctual. Our loved ones will have their quirks that might never change and for me the question is do I throw the baby out with the bathwater because I am punctual and baby is not? I’d say focus on how you feel when you have to be waiting on others and share that instead so that you can work out with others how you can work together. I have done that with my daughter when she was working over the summer and used to ask me to pick her up, especially late at night. She consistently came out half hour later than her finishing time. I did it 3 days then after than I asked her to text me when she was on her way out or I just left home 15 mins later so I could get there exactly after half hour. Our relationship means more to me than the anger and agitation I felt when I had to wait for her.



  216.  #216Natalina on September 30, 2014 at 8:30 am

    *mandy 194

    “Try Softer… ” I love that so much and

    that everything you said in that post goes back to many of the core elements for being with a man…

    taking no for an answer (for now)
    not pushing..
    and appreciating him as he is.

    for 205: Indigo…
    you CAN circular date with women. find some good meetup groups, and for you it wouldn’t matter if there are or are not guys there- just use the tools, and speak from that place when you go out always.

    this is very very doable, I know I tend to be a recluse and have often found myself wishing I had more gal pals.

    you are really off to a great start, you are already learning to use the siren language here… you can overflow that into your personal journaling (if you do that, or you can start now!)

    and then allow this love language to start spilling into the way you talk with others, regardless of the group you are talking with. regardless of whether you are behind a screen, or really looking into their eyes (men and women).

    I personally love attending local reiki nights in my area- there are many women that are very warm hearted and will just love you right away. most areas have one- just take a look at the meetups (meetup.com) in your area.

    so much love to you!

    Love,
    Natalina



  217.  #217Natalina on September 30, 2014 at 8:33 am

    214: Femininewoman

    you just totally nailed that. that. was. absolutely. brilliant.

    I just wanted to send you some love, because that was just fabulouso.



  218.  #218Indigo on September 30, 2014 at 8:59 am

    Feminine Woman,

    I also really loved this: “Our relationship means more to me than the anger and agitation I felt when I had to wait for her.”

    I learned this the hard way 🙂 And now I really have to remember this every time I feel any anger or agitation towards someone that I love. Sometimes I will speak up, but usually I will just choose to take care of myself and let it go.



  219.  #219Indigo on September 30, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Thank you Natalina 🙂

    I have never tried meetup.com but I will give it a shot. I had a friend who was a Reiki master and I loved her to bits, but we are now in different cities.



  220.  #220Dominique on September 30, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Victoria – 206 – LOVE!!!! xxoo



  221.  #221Natalina on September 30, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Indigo,
    I am so glad that was helpful 🙂 I look forward to hearing how it goes from here!

    Love,
    Natalina



  222.  #222Femininewoman on September 30, 2014 at 9:50 am

    Thank you Natalina 🙂 Thank you Indigo 🙂



  223.  #223Stephanie on September 30, 2014 at 11:10 am

    @Emerson

    I can hear you’re frustration and I completely understand. First dates can feel nerve wracking and we want them to go so smoothly. What has served me best on a first date is to Lean Back in all ways. From the planning to the talking.

    1. Let Him Lead – I let him plan the date. If he asks what I want to do, I give a couple of my preferences and share that I trust or just know that he will pick the best place.
    2. Be Safe – I drive myself to and from all first dates. If we met online, I set up the date on the site as well. I give him my number only if I enjoyed myself and want to see him again, and if he asks.
    3. Stay Present – I grab the bottom of my chair or touch the table when I start to feel nervous. I soften my face and bring my breathing into my belly as I lean back in my seat. I listen to him and answer questions when asked. My focus is on learning as much about him so I feel comfortable. The only way to do that is to listen a lot and speak less. I sometimes imagine duct tape across my mouth when I feel excited to jump in or when I start to talk too much or too fast. Men love to be heard and it happens so rarely on a date for them.
    4. Enjoy – enjoy everything from the music to the food to the sparkling water (I never drink on a first date and rarely on a date), to the sound of his voice, and the way I feel in his presence.

    These are tools that have worked for me and that are a turn on for men based on the ones I’ve asked about their first date experiences.

    It’s going to be great and he will think he hit the jackpot being with you 😉



  224.  #224Violette on September 30, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Amazed I really relate to your post around not getting sex. I had a couple of relationships with some of the best guys I’ve ever had in my life, and they couldn’t please me sexually, like not even close, and…in my case I felt a huge amount of pressure to “not take sex too seriously.” I even researched how to handle it on the web and it just all seemed so misogynistic, like a woman who is unhappy with her guy over a sexual issue is a terrible person. Needless to say that was not helpful.

    When it occurred to me how socially acceptable it is for a man to get lost when he isn’t getting any from a woman, it became a huge deal to me that society doesn’t accept a woman’s choice to do the same.

    I can’t handle not getting the sex I need from my guy. It makes me hate him too much. Lots of women can and end up really happy in their relationship anyway.

    There are of course the options of sex therapy, herbs and acupuncture stuff…in my case those options made me resentful though, because he was the one not getting it together, why wasn’t he looking into them himself, these are not exactly options that are difficult to get info on.

    Whew, anyway, I relate to this painful situation, and I know it will ultimately help you in some way, perhaps unknown as of yet. Please keep us posted on what happens!



  225.  #225Violette on September 30, 2014 at 11:38 am

    I woke up feeling super in love with AD. Last night he helped me pick up a piece of furniture in his car, and I requested we do something in my neighborhood, and it felt so good to be close to home with him. I felt so much safer and freer, amazing!

    He mentioned again that he visited a condo and was thinking of buying it, and then decided to wait until his lease was up next summer. He’s brought it up earlier in the night and by this point it was feeling bad to hear him keep saying it, and I felt pouty but didn’t feel it was appropriate…he asked what was the problem and I didn’t want to say it but it got really weird and I had to.

    I mentioned that the last time I’d seen him he said some really big things about wanting to have a life with me and it felt funny to hear about his big life plans that have nothing to do with me.

    He basically replied that everything he’d said to me was true, that he didn’t buy it, that if in a year we were moving forward he would include me in the decision. He also said he’d been honest with me about his life, that he has kids he needs to attend to (by the way that is the opposite of what he said, which was that his kids were big and he didn’t need to pay much attention to them any more…). Basically that adds up to he would want to live “near” them (honestly I don’t get it, my town is a 20 mn drive, I don’t see why he needs to be in his town. His daughter is in college and his son has 4 more years of high school…

    But I digress. It was just, he heard me I guess. It feels weird to me discussing that way before we’re really there, but he’s the one talking about wanting to be with me forever here, I don’t want to find out he’s not for real!

    I emailed a friend that the guy I’m seeing might help me with a career thing…the friend cautioned against mixing the 2. I’ve really only mentioned him to a couple of other people, and they both said to take it slow. Why are the people around me worried? He’s the first guy who’s ever come on this strong for this long with me…is it a bad thing?

    I feel in love and afraid. I brought up that we are on different time lines, I don’t really know if he heard me. I see him 3 or 4 times a week, he wants to see me every day.

    I feel afraid he will leave me if I don’t start doing things at his pace, and getting all over the top.

    We have been dating one and a half months, still! It feels like 3 or 4!



  226.  #226Violette on September 30, 2014 at 11:43 am

    By the way he said that something he found so different and refreshing about me, compared to other women, was that I don’t talk about myself all the time. Apparently according to him other women talk themselves up and brag about themselves on first dates! This actually surprised me.



  227.  #227lovetodance on September 30, 2014 at 11:45 am

    I have not been writing about my life lately because not sure where to begin to unwind the ball of yarn so to speak….

    I guess thats a metaphor for being ‘balled up’ or ‘tightly wound [?] up’…..

    What I can express is my respect for the depth, honesty, care and vunerability in the posts I am reading…

    Thank you Sirens
    for taking the time to respond, react with these incredibly lovely qualities….

    I have been dealing with big decisions….feeling at a low ebb web around attractiveness and confidence…

    really not ready to put myself or photo out on dating sites…but certainly cding with all I come in contact with….

    At some point I will jump in with ‘my stuff’ I am sure…..and Azure Blu ….thanks for asking darling!

    Its Fall….Its harvest time…..seeing what to store …what to compost….happy storing and composting beautifull women!



  228.  #228Veronica on September 30, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    (((((((((Butterfly)))))) – I feel paled-out horror reading your post – I feel shocked and trembly-cold about what happened. I feel compelled to send you loving kindness. Please take loving and gentle care of yourself. My heart feels heavy knowing this happened.



  229.  #229Veronica on September 30, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Indigo – 86 & 87- I’ve been thinking about what you said about telling one’s partner everything. I know with me that I can get so caught up in something heavy that may be affecting me that it seems to dominate my interactions with others. I don’t like it, I feel sad about that and for now that’s how I seem to be. I am thankful that you brought this up, I do sense an openness in me emerging around my particular way with the heavy things. I do want to share with my partner at some point what it is that bothers me, I know that sometimes it seems too early to share, not-yet-understood-enough to share, sometimes I feel concerned that sharing the heavy stuff can get in the way of connecting with my partner in that I notice there’s distancing happening on my part.
    xoxoxo

    103 – thank you xx



  230.  #230Veronica on September 30, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    Sophie – 104 – I feel giddy reading this – thank you x You’ve been in my thoughts these past couple of days – I feel so good knowing that your situation has changed and your energy here is so much brighter. xx



  231.  #231Veronica on September 30, 2014 at 12:30 pm

    Azure Blu – 125 – I want to be warm and vulnerable in his presence/with him. I had been feeling overwhelmed with emotion about BM. In some ways it’s like a haunting in the body – I was beginning to feel despair wondering if I’ll always be connected to BM in this way. Thank you for letting me know – I feel encouraged to share openly here. Azure, I so wish I could hug you in person right now, I am so glad you’re on this blog xxx

    I’ve been reading your post over and over, thinking and feeling through it. Your memory with your late fiancée feels so real to me – I can imagine it down to sensations that my body would feel. And how precious this memory is like something I want to hold with both hands and just feel with my whole being. It is so exquisite a memory and the experience of unconditional love – I feel something special along with the tenderness I feel. Something very deep is being honoured by what you said.

    I am awed into quietness by this:
    “Thank you David for such a lovely memory!!!
    and for letting me experience Unconditional LOVE for the first time in my life… it was life changing…”



  232.  #232Natalina on September 30, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    224: Violette–

    hearing about him telling you about this condo multiple times in one night is making me want to say this to him: “is there something I should know about, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME??”

    “you brought it up more than once now, and I am starting to feel uncomfortable… like there is something I should know, or there is something you want to tell me?”

    [[he might say well why… you know I have kids etc etc… and we arent even sure how permanent our relationship is… bladda bladda…]]

    and I hear you! the mixed message he is sending is where he says he wants to be with you (permanently), then keeps telling you things he is going to do regardless of what you want.

    and you feel afraid he will leave you if I don’t start doing things at his pace…

    you can SO communicate this. though do you know if you even want this guy for keeps? maybe you dont know yet and that is ok. though if it feels like a struggle to get him to see you and want to help you make this relationship easy… I wouldnt want to keep him around any longer than I could replace him.

    regardless of what excuses he brings up- kids whatever (that seem to change, in what he says to you- YOU can continue to be solid in expressing yourself)

    “I just feel really weird hearing you talk about this new place… I feel …just so… disconnected here… ”

    he will then start asking about you. what is going on with you… because it doesnt even affect you… (maybe)

    and then you can go deeper into what you are feeling, and what is going on. because if it was just a matter of the property he buys.. .that would be that.

    but there are other things inside you getting triggered. and instead of communicating from your feeling place… you may just be reacting from what these symbolic gestures MEAN to you emotionally.

    even in our justifying that we deserve so much more… we still have to build up some emotional muscle before we can really start expressing these core needs we have…

    and that is no problem, you cant screw up, you are only ever expanding your capacity to receive love.

    I so hear you Violette, and send you so much love.



  233.  #233Rori Raye on September 30, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    Kellie, Hi! Hey, everyone – another fabulous Rori Raye Trained Coach – Kellie Hatch at http://www.KellieHatchCoaching.com So smart! Love, Rori



  234.  #234teresa on September 30, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    I feel sick to my stomach….I just found out lookingwisely has been dating about 50 women at one time. His friend said he felt bad with how he ended our relationship so he told me. He said he is nothing but a scammer. So I ask why do men do this? Do they not understand what this does to people?



  235.  #235Azure Blu on September 30, 2014 at 8:34 pm

    Kellie #207
    Welcome lovely Siren
    and I do sooo agree with you and Emma,
    Gender equality/Feminism is sooo important for both men and women…
    In the 60’s there were many strides made toward the liberation of women…
    we made Many changes to insure our daughters would have a more equal playing field in their lives…
    and so they do… My daughter Never gave it a thought that she wouldn’t have a career that she loved and flourished in…
    My sister is the major income and My brother-in-law is a stay at home Dad…
    Things ARE changing and Now it is time for the next steps…



  236.  #236Azure Blu on September 30, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    ((((((teresa)))))
    You know what lookingwisely did has NOTHING to do with YOU
    You being lovable
    Worthy of adoration and
    NOT CRUMBS
    But the Whole CAKE!!!!



  237.  #237teresa on September 30, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    I forgot to say that lookingwisely and I dated for 2 years. I had no clue.



  238.  #238teresa on September 30, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Thanks Azure…. it was just a little hard to swallow. He also told one of the new ladies he is dating the I was crazy. We are talking about a 53 year old man.



  239.  #239Azure Blu on September 30, 2014 at 8:47 pm

    teresa….
    Ohhh… i had forgotten you have dated for 2 years!!!
    This IS frightening…
    You had both agreed to a monogamous, exclusive relationship?



  240.  #240Azure Blu on September 30, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    Natalina #232
    I feel sooo listened to reading your comments!
    Such deep insights…
    Can you explain what you are meaning by this
    Building up Emotional Muscle…

    “even in our justifying that we deserve so much more… we still have to build up some emotional muscle before we can really start expressing these core needs we have… “



  241.  #241Zia on September 30, 2014 at 11:49 pm

    hello ladies!

    well i am feeling so excited and alive at the changes i am making in my life. i am finally doing all the things i want to do, and i can see my world changing and actually FEEL like the dreams and plans i am coming up with can be a reality. and this feels good 🙂

    x



  242.  #242Victoria on October 1, 2014 at 12:32 am

    @ Femininewoman 215
    Thank you very much for your comment, I really like what you said, and I agree with you, it is important not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
    I will give you some more background now, to understand where I am coming from.
    Rich cancelled this one time, but my other CD, Favorite, has a habit of being late, and also cancelled once in a way that was very hurtful for me, and I broke up with him then. It was when we first started dating, and he was coming so strong at me, said he was madly in love with me, and then canceled our date on my birthday. I told him that we are obviously not on the same page, and that I wish him well, but simply cannot continue seeing him if I need to explain why cancelling the date on my birthday was wrong.
    Anyhow, I have learned that he is wired differently than me, he is phlegmatic, and has a problem with time management which has nothing to do with me. He has many wonderful qualities that make him my Favorite CD, but I am having a really hard time with his time keeping disability. This is one of the big issues in preventing me from seeing him as my forever man, even though I am in love with him.
    I am extrasensitive to cancelling and being late, and I can try to appear flexible etc., but this is not who I am, and I know that my forever man will not stress me out around this issue. And I am not in a rush to meet him, he will come whenever he comes, meanwhile I will be having fun.
    But there is something more I see in other posts here which triggers me because it reminds me of some of my own challenges. I have noticed that men come very strong when they want to “catch” you, with big words, Iloveyous, seeing a future together, and then, once you give in and start imagining the same things, they pull away. Then they start saying like “but when I told you this it was true” and I start to think that I did something wrong and they liked me very much at first but then once they had me I was not so precious and deserving of courting. I really really hate that. CDing helps, but I just hate the fact that I need to keep them on the edge, and once I open up my extremely generous and loving self to them, it turns up they do not need so much love.



  243.  #243Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 3:06 am

    Victoria,

    “I have noticed that men come very strong when they want to “catch” you, with big words, Iloveyous, seeing a future together, and then, once you give in and start imagining the same things, they pull away.”

    I think just about all of us have experienced the same thing, and it used to trigger me a great deal, but I have come to see it a bit differently. The way I see it is that, initially, there is something of a mask up. Both of you are putting your best foot forward, you don’t really know each other yet. It is easy be all candlelight and roses with someone who is really only at this early stage, a figment of your fantasy. You project onto them all the dreams you secretly have, and you HOPE they are the one. Both men and women do this.

    As time goes on, you get to know each other, the REAL person, the facade fades away and you start to reveal your true selves to each other. That initial candlelight and roses stage may never be repeated in its original form, but I think it is replaced with something much better. If you think about it, how *can* you really know that someone is your future wife and mother of your children within a few weeks?

    To me, this dreamyness and intensity is replaced by the slow, tender process of getting to know the real person – unfolding gently, becoming vulnerable. Becoming triggered by things and going through them, realising you are still ok, and healing in each other’s presence. Where you are each brought to a more deep and profound knowledge of yourself and the other. I have found that in the best relationships, romance and adoration can still be found, but it looks different than how it did in the beginning.



  244.  #244Victoria on October 1, 2014 at 3:56 am

    Indigo,
    I agree with you, but I am talking about something else, not about the initial infatuation fading out. I am talking about the experience (I almost wrote “about the fact” :-)) that once they do not smell the presence of other men around you, they get lazy. What do you think about that?



  245.  #245Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 4:05 am

    Indigo…
    Isn’t Today the first day that you leave at 2:00 pm?



  246.  #246Daisy on October 1, 2014 at 4:11 am

    #243 “To me, this dreamyness and intensity is replaced by the slow, tender process of getting to know the real person – unfolding gently, becoming vulnerable. Becoming triggered by things and going through them, realising you are still ok, and healing in each other’s presence. Where you are each brought to a more deep and profound knowledge of yourself and the other. I have found that in the best relationships, romance and adoration can still be found, but it looks different than how it did in the beginning.”

    Indigo, I feel so touched with your words of insight, thanks for sharing! XX



  247.  #247Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 4:15 am

    Victoria,

    I do know what you mean but I would simply say this is a human thing – that the effort is of course most monumental in the beginning, and that it almost would feel false (for me) to sustain it at this level. In the best relationships though, in my experience, the man does still continue to make a great deal of effort. It just tends to be more focused on sustaining the relationship, rather than the crazy pursuing which happened in the beginning.



  248.  #248Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 4:16 am

    Thanks Daisy 🙂 xx



  249.  #249Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 4:17 am

    Azure Blu,

    It is in fact 1:15 here, and I am leaving work in 45 minutes! 🙂



  250.  #250Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 4:20 am

    Ladies,

    A more flippant question:

    Birthday present ideas for a man. I’m low on ideas. Have any of you given gifts to a man which have been a big hit?



  251.  #251Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 4:30 am

    Veronica #231
    I can feel your warm, loving huggss darling Siren…
    Thank you… I am needing them this morning…

    How softly you charished MY memory… I have not felt someone else experiencing MY memory so sweetly… i have tears of gratefulness… :-))

    About your memories of BM…
    someone on this blog mentioned how they visualize untangling/cutting ribbons and rope that is connecting you with him…
    I have been using this visualization when past bf come up as I get closer to Spirit… it seems to work… but is taking time…



  252.  #252Femininewoman on October 1, 2014 at 5:25 am

    Indigo the first part of your comment reminds of something I read on Innerbonding about how we make up other people. Regarding the knowing of someone as your wife etc. in weeks I do believe this can happen when a person really knows themself and know what they are looking for. Especially after having gone through several relationships. It is also a decision that people chose to make depending on where they are in their lives, is what I believe.

    Victoria – regarding smelling other men. I imagine that this does happen and other women have experiences where they end up with the only man that they ever connected with and dated. I know so many women who have had this experience.



  253.  #253Kim on October 1, 2014 at 5:57 am

    Azure…how are things?



  254.  #254Kim on October 1, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Victoria, I tend to agree with you, that for some men it is all about the chase. And also, to keep a man off balance a little (not deliberately, but naturally, by taking good care of you and yes, dati ithers, yourself, gf’s), keeps them trying harder.

    Some will disappear or get really lazy once they feel they have you. There is a natural change in any relationship also.

    I personally know that dating others has brought me closer to the guy I am dating mostly now, MoM. He was getting pretty complacent at one point and now he is taking steps (even though to me they are baby steps) towards moving the relationship forward.
    I am convinced that, had I agreed to an exclusive relationship (like I had before and nothing moved forward), nothing would move. I would have to ‘push’, like I see so many women do.
    I don’t feel like pushing. I decided to keep my options open. And I will continue to do so until my forever man proposes to me. Whoever that is.
    No more dead end relationships for me. Had too many of those.



  255.  #255Kim on October 1, 2014 at 6:29 am

    Talking of which, I feel a little weird.
    MoM has been doing a lot of things for me lately…he has researched a guitar I won and taken pictures and posted it in his company, to help me sell it.
    He’s been helping me get supplies for some jewelry making (my latest project for my etsy store, making turtle bracelets and donating money to a turtle rehabilitation center in the Keys: http://www.SunSeaandSalt.etsy.com). I also have gift baskets btw.
    He is taking me out for dinner, day trips, he cooks and does EVERYTHING.
    I have not even lifted a finger. I thought briefly about cooking for him this week but I spent what little money I had to invest into my biz (I had orders).
    And now I feel guilty, not really, but a little…like a spoilt brat. Amd although I know I deserve it, I never had this before and out come the gremlins….I didn’t hear from him all last night and I was wondering whether he was seeing the ex and being so over-the-top nice because he feels GUILTY about something.
    I can’t believe I even went there in my mind!!
    I feel embarrassed to admit it to myself, let alone you, but just wanted to share that no matter how secure and self loving we feel, occasionally we fall off the horse.
    And no thanks, please no comments about ‘we are goddesses and sitting in a temple we should only think about a man when he falls at our feet’ or something similarly as la la land…lol. Not my style! 😉



  256.  #256Natalina on October 1, 2014 at 6:50 am

    240: Azure Blu

    Regarding Post #232, I’m so glad that spoke to you!

    I said it that way because for many of us (I know its true for me) it is difficult to just say what I want. and even feel justified for feeling confused- so “building up emotional muscle” is what we are doing everytime we practice a feeling message, everytime we REALLY look at what is going on inside us-and then express from that place.

    EVERY TIME WE KEEP EYE CONTACT with who we are talking to. (this is huge)

    as someone was saying earlier- it almost seems like an entirely different beast to be using feeling messages and speaking like this in a place where you KNOW everyone is going to GET you…

    but out in the world with your man, with store clerks, with your parents… there is a normal we tend to want to lean on (even when we KNOW a feeling message to would be the thing to do…)

    and when they ask how you are- you REALLY want to just say, “GOOD!” “IM FINE” “THANKS!”

    instead of, “I’m feeling nervous, and confused, and I’m still thinking about that last conversation we had, is now a good time to talk, can we talk about this?”

    the only way to build emotional muscle is to be using the tools- then using the tools in public…

    you can build emotional muscle first by writing feeling messages out here on the blog

    then move to expressing yourself that way in your personal journals

    then move on to someone else less threatening – like the popcorn guy at the movies, if you are taking yourself out… (any service professional or stranger)

    and you will find that this becomes comfortable for you. (=strong muscle)

    and in turn, when you are really feeling comfortable with being able to express yourself to someone that means the world to you, this great guy-

    he will also feel 1000% more safe being with you.

    being with you forever, would simply be a no-brainer for him.

    I know when I feel “got” like that, and there is no guess work around what my partner wants… I feel SO much more safe- it is a no brainer that I would never think of leaving.

    Love you!

    Natalina



  257.  #257IamHis on October 1, 2014 at 6:52 am

    ((((Kim)))) – so happy for you! I hope to be where you are in the near future. 🙂



  258.  #258Victoria on October 1, 2014 at 7:50 am

    @Kim 255
    I fully understand what you mean. I am so much better at giving than at receiving, I need to basically train myself to accept things from men graciously. Mind you, some of the things they do look really clumsy to me, that’s why it is difficult to be appreciative. I am training myself to say thank you, you are so kind, instead of, sh*t where did you get these very ugly earrings, and how come it seems like a good idea for you to offer me as a gift to pick up something from a set of items that someone else gave to you… I know this is just being gracious, and having better manners, but it feels hypocritical to me. I also don’t buy into “I am such a goddess” theme, I am very very human. But I am learning, and I want to thank all of you for the inspiration, and repeating the same principles over and over again, maybe one day it will all sink in and I will do it automatically.



  259.  #259Victoria on October 1, 2014 at 8:24 am

    Also,
    to vent some more, CD Rich cancelled again tonight, and this time without an arrangement for another night. I guess I will just have to drop him from the rotation. I am mad with myself that I ever made room for him in my life. He asked me to call him after I finish work (shortly) so that we can at least have a chat. Do you think I shall tell him how I feel, or shall just quietly cross him out?



  260.  #260Natalina on October 1, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Victoria,

    if it were me, I know I would not even both calling him back. I would delete his information, and as you say “silently move on”.

    though if he calls and asks why you didnt call him back, whatever (I wouldnt even bother responding to a text)

    you can simply just say, “wow, this just really feels terrible right now- It really feels terrible when I have to keep changing plans. I really like going out with you, and what do you think we can do?”

    then from that point, stick to your guns on what is important to you, and speak from your feelings as much as possible.

    you got this.

    Love,
    Natalina



  261.  #261Victoria on October 1, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Natalina,
    I could not follow your advice. I called him and told him that I am extremely disappointed, and that he made me feel like a fool. I did not specifically tell him never to call me again, but I know he will figure this part himself.
    As a matter of fact, I do not like going out him that much, and I think it is high time I drop him from my dance card. One more night to date myself, which I will gladly do.



  262.  #262Tatia on October 1, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Kim #255

    The Turtle Bracelet is beautiful!! Thanks for sharing!

    Love,

    Tatia



  263.  #263Liquid Light on October 1, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Yay Kim!!! 🙂



  264.  #264Dominique on October 1, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Teresa – 234 – Sadly these kinds of people don’t give one thought to others. You might call them sociopaths though I hesitate putting labels on people. It doesn’t feel good.

    I’m so sorry this happened. Sending you much love.

    xxoo



  265.  #265Dominique on October 1, 2014 at 9:57 am

    Zia – 241 – SO wonderful hearing your update. I feel thrilled for you. 🙂

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  266.  #266Natalina on October 1, 2014 at 10:04 am

    255: Kim

    that is awesome that you are really feeling good in your business- it sounds like it is really filling you a lot emotionally, which is probably taking the most of your attention and a good reason for why your guy is putting in so much effort to get some of (your attention) for himself!

    and I get where you are coming from in your post- I know I have felt guilty – feeling like I need to reciprocate more, or suspicious that if he is only giving to me because there is something he doesn’t want me to know about… in someway feeling guilty himself. and trying to cover that up. I get that.

    and one thing I saw from your post was that you would like to cook dinner for him- but buying all the stuff for it, would really feel like too much efforting for you right now.

    the first thing I thought when I read that was if you saw kristina’s post earlier (118):

    “…Would you mind having dinner at my place?” When he says yes, you can add “I don’t have any food, would you mind…..?”

    – you can SALSO totally go at it from that approach, and have that conversation just around organizing the dinner, maybe say something like, “wow I love going out with you, and it would feel great to eat in tonight….” and then you can add on, “ill cook if you get the ingredients”

    this way you still allow him to be GIVEing to you, and dinner then becomes shared- so you feel like you are returning some of that energy back to him.

    either way, it sounds like things are really going well for you. and just keep loving yourself- it feels scary to all of us breaking through those thoughts that tell us we should be looking for the bad thing wrapped up in all the good.

    that good things don’t last for us… good things do last, it is just a matter of practice letting it in.

    I hope that wasn’t too “just be goddessy, and let him fall at your feet…” for you 😉

    Love,
    Natalina



  267.  #267teresa on October 1, 2014 at 10:04 am

    Azure…239

    Yes we were in a monogamous relationship. From my understanding what he has been doing is connecting with women on match. He would send an email telling them there profile is nice and pictures are cute. Of course they reply back and it goes from there. He sends cell number and says if you text…..drop me a line. He hookups with them intimately and then tells them it’ not going to work because of distance, schedule with son, dog etc. This is how he ends it. I am still trying to breathe and get pass this. It makes me wonder how many women he has hooked up with in 2 years. 🙁



  268.  #268teresa on October 1, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Domininque,

    Thanks……I just keeping thinking of all of the lies. Was he with me one day and someone else the next…..or two of us in one day?



  269.  #269Dominique on October 1, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Victoria – 244 – A good man, the man for you, your forever man DOES NOT get lazy when other men are not present. His actions may change. He may not be doing all the initial early dating stuff, and this may be hard to take or adjust to, BUT his attention and affection emerge in other ways. Like what Indigo said. Look deeply into his eyes. What do you see there? Softness and love and affection? Or something else? What about how he smiles at you? How does he touch you? How does he look our for you? What does he do for you? Here is where your answers lie.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  270.  #270Dominique on October 1, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Indigo – 250 – My experience is that most men don’t really care about presents. They far prefer seeing your excited smiling eyes when they’ve given you something you love. Your presence is usually more than enough. Maybe cooking a favorite meal, baking a favorite dessert. The rest tends not to matter so much if at all.

    xxoo



  271.  #271Dominique on October 1, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Veronica, Indigo, AzureBlu, and others – this may help explain the beauty of an ever changing, evolving relationship.

    http://sexandheart.com/phases-of-relationship/

    xxoo



  272.  #272Dominique on October 1, 2014 at 10:29 am

    teresa – 268 – I understand. To be totally blindsided like this, I have difficulty imagining. I encourage you to NOT think about the what ifs, for it will only perpetuate the pain and confusion. I DO encourage you to take exquisite care of YOU right now however this looks and feels to you. If it feels good, do it. Love on yourself really hard right now as best as you can.

    xxoo



  273.  #273IamHis on October 1, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Last night at a social event, I unexpectedly found myself surrounded by guys I was I attracted to. Do you know how often that happens? Not enough, that’s for sure! I felt nervous and panicky. Instead, of sinking into my feelings, I pretty much just went into “flight” mode & high – tailed it out of there. I feel disappointed that I reacted like that. What a rare & beautiful opportunity it could have been to practice sinking into my feelings! I choose to show compassion to my nervous self. Maybe there was a reason so many guys were around me, a sign of healing. The beautiful thing is that I can choose to look at it however I want. I look forward to the day when sinking into my feelings will come naturally. Returning eye contact with a beautiful man who is looking at me still feels so scary!



  274.  #274Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Dominique #271
    Ahhh beautiful Siren!!! This is so heart warming to read… Thank you!!!

    Yes, I do want this…
    “And the sparks can STILL be there,
    yet instead of sputtering and arcing,
    ever eager and ready to nip you, burn you,
    leaving you in a heap of insecurity,
    they will be glowing, hot, simmering embers,
    soothing, warming, protective,
    safe yet at the ready to flare up and envelop you
    with smoldering fieriness or maybe at times a more relaxing sigh of pleasurable ease.”



  275.  #275Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 11:02 am

    Indigo…
    I remember a gift I gave BK a few years ago…
    He is an avid hunter… and he does like collectables. Always enjoying a good junk shop or garage sale

    I had visited a resale shop and found a lovely
    antique leather box with an embossed scene
    of ducks flying over a field of cattails…
    It was signed with the artist name…
    I looked him up on the internet..
    He is quite collectable and well known
    to hunters… I printed out the artist bio
    wrapped up the box and the bio
    He was sooo surprised and excited..
    No one had ever given him anything so thoughtful…



  276.  #276IamHis on October 1, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Over the weekend, I introduced myself to a woman who I had no idea has a beautiful son. I was walking with her, complimenting her shoes, & he starts walking up behind us, & catches my eye right as I’m about to go my separate way. When I’m almost to my car, I see him again, and this time he really makes a point to lock eyes with me and smile. I felt so safe and beautiful in his gaze! Sometimes, I wish talking didn’t have to ruin perfect moments like that. Talking doesn’t have to ruin it! I can choose to believe that speech will only make things more fun with this cute stranger I’ve seen around from time to time. It feels good to choose a better feeling future, and I intend to do that more, no, always!



  277.  #277Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 11:05 am

    IamHis…
    Moving forward baby-step by baby step…
    How Excellent that you have noticed this…
    Nothing can change UNLESS we first notice a pattern!!!
    Yay YOU!!!
    I feel happy about how you are loving you
    through this!!!



  278.  #278IamHis on October 1, 2014 at 11:06 am

    I also feel so thankful for a book a dear friend shared with me about depression. It has already helped a lot, & I’m only on Chapter 3! It would feel good to share it with you all once I’m done. 🙂



  279.  #279Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Kim…
    thank you for asking…
    Spirit is leaning back after my intense discussion about our religious differences…

    I didn’t hear from him for 2 days over the weekend
    He textd me on Mon. night we had a nice exchange.
    Tue. morning… Very brief

    I’m leaning back… I haven’t expressed MY Truth yet…
    The next time he contacts me I want to share
    “I like you so much.
    I love spending time with you and
    I feel sad and confused because we haven’t seen each other in awhile… and I’m still thinking about that last conversation we had. What are your thoughts?”

    I have been fighting with MY Drama Queen…
    I hate HER!!! She wants to protect ME…
    I HATE that she’s making ME be vulnerable…
    I AM VERY SCARED!!! I FEEL PANICKY!!
    I FEEL like I will get REJECTED and ABANDONED
    if I respect MY truth and share it with a man
    I like A LOT!!! this has caused me to cry and sob…
    I am hugging and loving my little girl that is sooo frightened!!!

    This is the link from Rori’s tool for the inner Drama Queen,,,
    This is what I have been wrestling with all day…
    Rori’s post is GREAT and so are the comments!!!

    I have named my Drama Queen…. Queen Elizabeth



  280.  #281Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Dominique 270,

    You are so right 🙂 When I asked him for suggestions he said he really didn’t want anything, that he gets anything that he may want for himself, but thank you for the thought.

    It’s probably just a quirk of me, totally my own thing, but I will get him something. For me birthdays are important and it’s just a me thing that I need to mark them with the giving of a gift. I think I can stick to something small though 🙂 and the cooking of a favourite meal is a great idea xxx



  281.  #282Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Azure Blu 275,

    Thank you! 🙂 Thoughtful gifts that fit so well with that person’s personality are the best, and what I would like to go for! Thanks for the inspiration! x



  282.  #283teresa on October 1, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Domininque
    272

    I feel this burning inside…it is hard to describe. My thoughts are with all the past, present and future women that will be devistated if they fall into the same perils that I did. It makes me cry….. 🙁



  283.  #284Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    ((((teresa))))
    I feel so sad…
    how awful it would feel to find this out after sharing your warm, loving heart with a man you thought
    was being upfront and honest with you!!!
    Many huggs, warm thoughts and vibes I am sending YOUR way my dear.



  284.  #285Kim on October 1, 2014 at 1:47 pm

    Azure Blu, you made me laugh with queen Elizabeth….love your sense of humor even when things are not going great…that resonates.
    I think it’s fantastic that you are keeping the dialogue open with Spirit…I am nkt even sure whether I could, but it is a great way of staying open to ‘whatever happens’. 🙂

    And all the other ladies, Natalina, thank you for your comments!! Really uplifting…as I sit surrounded by a mess of beads, salt jars, half done laundry and an empty fridge, they filled me up 🙂 🙂



  285.  #286redbutterfly on October 1, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    Butterfly – I felt horror when I read your story, probably because 1. you have a name similiar to mine and 2. because your situtation and age is similiar to mine. I am dating a widower who’s late wife died 3 years ago. We have a great relationship and have been dating exclusively for 2 years. On Saturday we are going to look at lake property. He is a patient, kind, sexy, smart man. What if the same thing happens to me? What if he isn’t as “ready” as he says he is? Your story just triggered me. I don’t have any advice for you, just hugs.



  286.  #287Dominique on October 1, 2014 at 2:10 pm

    Teresa – 283 -I feel your compassion so strongly, and there are so many things that feel horrible in the world we can do nothing about, aside from sharing our own stories, and being a support for another if it’s needed.

    Feel the burn and whatever else might come up for you. FEEL it all, all the curves and edges, all the ups and downs, all the ins and outs, smell what you smell, hear what you hear, see what you see, and any combination of these, for this releases resistance thus giving space for all of this to move on through you if it will. Or you can also embrace all of this as part of you, and maybe delegate some or all of it to some far recess of your being.

    Hugs and love.

    xxoo



  287.  #288Mandy on October 1, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    Hey Sirens! 🙂

    I had to come by and celebrate something BIG!!!

    I just saw my therapist this morning (I’ll call her Janet) who I’d seen for 14 years since I was 16, for OCD and anxiety, she is a cognitive behavioral therapist – she is also a relationship and family therapist. I stopped seeing her in 2011 due to some payment issues. Just came back this morning for the first time in three years.
    When I saw her, I realized it had been THAT long…and the last time I saw her, I wasn’t aware of Rori’s coaching. It was a few months after I’d last seen Janet when I started Rori’s training…

    Do you KNOW how DIFFERENT my life is today, how much different it is than it was before the Rori Raye coaching?

    Before the coaching, I was living at my parent’s, just been dumped by a severely toxic and mentally ill man, with no idea how to find my feelings, dig up the shit, or say the word “no’. I had no spine, I was morbidly obese, and I was attracting dangerous men who probably either wanted to use me for my kindness or for sex, and who ended up cheating on me every time.

    Now…I am out of the house, in my own place, out of college, completely in shape (I can see my abdominal muscles showing!), with a boyfriend who NEVER yells and NEVER calls me names, who’s not obsessed with getting sex, and and I’m able to say “no” and to say how I feel.

    I was a little GIRL then…I’m a woman now!!! 🙂

    But I have to give MYSELF a lot of credit for all of it happening…I willed it all to happen…

    I feel SO awesome, SO empowered, seeing the sheer difference in my life since then!

    Yesterday and the day before it was J’s days off, and we had fun 🙂 I took a picture of him with his DSLR camera, and it was my first try at photography, he felt like putting the camera into my hands and empowering me because he felt bad I was home healing this past week it was SO sweet! Then I felt like pulling out my tiger-stripe maxi dress from the closet and it fit like a glove. I walked out in it, and J noticed he said, “ooh, tiger stripes!” 🙂 Hehe!

    Great stuff! I am going to see my therapist monthly. Bi-monthly if I can afford the co-pay!

    My surgery incision mark is so teeny tiny, it looks like a cat-scratch, it was very anti-climactic, very un-scary and I am healing very well, just did a high-intensity workout and I feel so good.

    I feel awesome! I’ve said it before and I will say it again and again…

    THANK YOU Sirens for your support, I don’t know what I’d do without all of you…you all rock so hard and we can get through anything together, we really can! 🙂 SIREN POWER! 🙂



  288.  #289Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    ((((Mandy))))
    How wonderful!!! YES… It is time to celebrate!!
    How vulnerable and what a GREAT story you have shared here!!!
    You are MY hero!!!
    oxoxoxoxo



  289.  #290Amazed on October 1, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    Wow Mandy that is awesome…I feel happy for you!!! Rori really doea empower us to become sirens. 🙂 as for my situation with my man not wanting sex because of traumatic experiences in the past..I have decided I can’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. So I have decided to concentrate more on loving and taking care of myself. I think I will join a yoga class to start. I don’t need him to fill me up and meet my needs and I feel that I have been spending too much time in my head trying to analyze why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. I will express to him though that I feel I may not be Mrs. Right…I can’t break through his barrier because its not me that can. That in itself takes the pressure off me and I feel lighter. I can’t make him go to a therapist..he has to make those arrangements and want to. I also realized something today…not only did he have multiple relationships where he waa cheated on but also his mother waa cheated on by his biological father. So that in itself would feel awful..but its not my job to fix him. I will script a speech to give him soon..I just need to express that I can’t have a forever relationship without sex but not come across like I am pressuring him.



  290.  #291Mandy on October 1, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    Thanks Azure, I feel that! 🙂

    Amazed – this one’s for you…:) Good for you for choosing YOU over laser-focusing on your man! You are awesome. 🙂

    Allow me to relate – I talked with my therapist this morning, and she asked me why I think J might have issues opening up to sex. I said openly and without hesitation “fear of intimacy”.

    Now, I have a tendency to compare situations, and it’s probably not a good idea to compare the two of our men, because no two men are alike, but it *may* be that since your guy has had past hurts, like mine does, meaning cheating, he may be very afraid of intimacy. He may be trying to feel out if he really feels like you two have a future together, if you are really on board with his future hopes and dreams. Or he could be the type who is not able to compartmentalize (not able to separate his emotions from sex and just do it.) My guy isn’t able to compartmentalize at all…if he feels bad, it is just NOT happening, very much like how a lot of women feel when a man pressures them for sex and they just don’t feel good enough inside to oblige. (I don’t have this problem as a woman oddly enough – I can feel awful and the sex will cheer me up!)

    I’ve seen that when my guy is afraid to deepen our relationship/afraid of our intimacy, he freaks out and feels totally on the spot, like he has text anxiety and just cannot perform. It’s like he just wants to sit and be nice and calm and not have anything freak him out; it’s as though he buries his head in the sand about it, as though sex is non-existent and he doesn’t want to bring it up at all. I would almost liken it to avoiding eating to not get fat or to avoid feeling guilty; like sexual anorexia. He feels so anxious when put on the spot to have sex he just can’t do it, and doesn’t even want to try going there.

    We have resolved those issues as of late, even though this is a recurring issue (I have accepted this); things are going much better in the bedroom department than they have for a long time for J and I, and it is all because of me leaning back and being into me. Clinginess makes J very anxious and unsure of my strength and ability to stand strong in our relationship and to be a confident woman; he doesn’t want to “crash his ship on the rock” of a woman he feels is faltering on the inside, because he has been hurt by women who have faltered on the inside – when the sex faded in their relationship, they resorted to cheating on him.

    So, recently I took a belly dancing class to get into myself and my body and out of my head, and put my focus completely into leaning back and feeling beautiful all on my own WITHOUT his help; every time I do it, right at the moment I think I might implode, he shows up again, ready to deepen our relationship, ready to be intimate. As a matter of fact, last time this happened was two weeks ago, and he had the BIGGEST, SWEETEST smile on his face when he came into the bedroom and started to touch me. It was like magic!

    I very much encourage you to do the yoga, to let it get you out of your head and into your body, and notice what you feel in your body when you do it. You can enter a very calm state of mind and body while doing yoga, and when you relax into the stretches, it can feel absolutely amazing. Let it make you feel like your body is very useful to you. Allow yourself to breathe and let out any anxious or chaotic energy. it really does help to do this, I know from experience…whenever I take time out for myself to get into touch with my body, my man notices and asks what I’m up to! 🙂 Also, it will help you live longer and be more happy. Just focus on being strong on the inside and soft on the outside, and your man will decide maybe he does want to “crash into you” ! 🙂

    Let me know how it goes! 🙂



  291.  #292Amazed on October 1, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Oh Mandy…thank you for sharing with me. You have described my man and I totally down to the very last detail. I am truly amazed right now to the point of tears that you understand everything what I am going through. (((Hugs))) I guess its just a matter of leaning way back and taking care of myself. I too am the type that if stressed or sad or happy I will jump at the chance to make love…sigh…its difficult esp. since the few times over the past 7 1/2 has been awesome when it happens. Thank you again.. 🙂 ♡



  292.  #293Azure Blu on October 1, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    Mandy…
    I love this!!!
    “whenever I take time out for myself to get into touch with my body, my man notices and asks what I’m up to! 🙂 Also, it will help you live longer and be more happy. Just focus on being strong on the inside and soft on the outside,
    and your man will decide maybe he does want to “crash into you” ! :)”



  293.  #294Mandy on October 1, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Awwww! Thanks Azure and Amazed!

    I’m so glad I could help, Amazed…I have been sticking with it for so long with my guy I feel I know the ins and outs of a man who has trouble opening up in that way. I feel so much his humanness. I feel so much for him in this issue. I just want to tell him its okay and that I love him very much…and just be with him 🙂

    So glad you feel heard…I wanted so badly to feel heard before when I felt so angry and deprived, but my story was a huge anger trigger for many, and so I got a lot of backlash for opening up about my situation, because it was thought that I wasn’t taking care of myself because I wasn’t bringing the sex issue up to him all the time. But I felt bringing it up to him all the time only pushed him further away, and made him feel like less of a person, because those are exactly the words he said every single time I brought it up to him – “I feel like less of a person”. I was absolutely right to not bring it up constantly or pressure him, and the release of the pressure by me loving on myself worked…I feel very proud of myself that I stuck to my guns and did what was right for ME and MY relationship. 🙂 So, I feel very happy that my experience allows me to be here for you and to listen to you…and also, Dominique is one who has helped me a very great deal with this. She is like the magical Guru of this issue, and also the porn issue that many women have. She helped me a great bunch! 🙂

    But ya, let me know if/when you need to talk it out, I’m right here! 🙂



  294.  #295Mandy on October 1, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    PS – Amazed – yes, if the sex you have with your man is very enjoyable, I know what it feels like to miss the touching and the sensations! But you can get this type of wonderful feeling by yourself…I suggest a self-massage with a nice lotion you like…be very careful and gentle and just enjoy it 🙂 I tried it, and it gave me wonderful dreams that night, that I was a queen pampering myself in a luxurious boudoir with silk linens! Best dream I had in YEARS 🙂



  295.  #296Linda on October 1, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    The posts about sex here is triggering to me. My 27 year marriage was a sexual wasteland. The last three years of it was sexless. I was one frustrated and very angry woman. It ultimately was my marriage deal breaker.

    I have zero tolerance for a love relationship without it or if the sex is unenjoyable. I am appreciative of my sexual experiences over the last 7 years. I feel in touch with who I am, what I am looking for and what I need sexually. This is a core issue for me.



  296.  #297RileyTheOwl on October 1, 2014 at 9:21 pm

    I feel I am a beautiful queen sitting here. I know my outer beauty shows through my glowing smooth pale soft skin. I know my dark brown hair shines. I know my luscious eyelashes frame my hazel eyes. I know my soft rich lips smile when I feel amused excited joyful and golden. I know I have a tree trunk down my back, roots spreading deep into the earth behind and around me. I am grounded, when my bare feet touch the earth to receive its energy. I know love circulates flowing through me, all underneath my skin, all through my body, spreading love and understanding. I understand myself. I try to understand myself. I try to give as much acceptance to myself, and I succeed. Feeling successful in accepting. Riley, I accept you just the way you are. I accept me just the way I am. My flaws, my inner beauty, my mistakes which I forgive myself for, my panic that I felt the other day which I had felt guilty and silly over. I forgive you for the moment where I lost touch with myself and my listening to myself and panicked. I loovvee that I panic sometimes. I get scared sometimes, and I am here for myself to give myself love through my fear. Now, lets go even deeper. What am I doing right now? sitting here… typing this… I was feeling a little out of touch with myself. But I was feelign sexy and beautiful, so I started with those feelings. What about how I’m feeling a little good about how I’ve been dancing so much. Just freely dancing. In studio B where my friends and I meet where I was able to just stand up and dance freely joyfully with them… and be able to love my shyness and still dance on, just concentrating on how good it felt to be with my friends and dance in the middle of the day during lunch break. What about.. how I feel my spiritual path has been sooo calling to me… how my cleansing of my life and all the toxins in my food and products have been almost completely eliminated over the last year… how I feel SO clean and pure, how my body has seemed to glow more over the last few months, and I feel it’s glowing from my life cleansing. I’ve been meditating almost every day.. I don’t set a schedule.. but biking home from school today I stopped at a little beach access and lay in the grass… mmmm… I feel so spiritually uplifted and I feel SOO THANKFUL that life has given me the gift of realization and has somehow allowed me to realize my spiritual path and let me begin this amazing journey so early in my life… dancing feeling flowing meditating living cleansing breathing striving moving forwards always growing roots deeper into the earth while my face turns up towards the sun and receives and always moves towards the light…



  297.  #298RileyTheOwl on October 1, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    I’m feeling curious about school about this year how it will all play out… I’m feeling excited and proud of myself for my decisions on classes (adding in some really fun enjoyable electives like drama… choir… theater production… sighhh I loove theater production…) I’m feeling nervous about my calculus… I should be doing my work right now but I wanted to have a break for myself and just feels some feelings through.

    I’m feeling soo loved and cared for from C… My bike broke at school today so I took the bus home instead… we had been texting and I told him how it broke but how I didn’t mind because walking to the bus felt nice on such a cool and sunny day with all the autumn leaves crunching under my feet and the autumn smells… later on in the day I get a text from him saying “I fixed it:)” and ohhh how surprised and delighted I was! He went all the way across campus just to fix my bike! (He is a bike genius… always building them in his garage…) I texted him back saying how I felt sooo happily surprised and delighted and grateful and how he is amazing for caring for me so much…

    soo love is just feeling flowing and easy right now…

    there are so many other activities, good feeling sources, friends, people, events, etc. that are just streaming into my life to say Hi Riley! Come on over here and enjoy us and feel joyful… I feel sooo joyful… and my life feels so full of lots of passion for all these things. I’ve felt LESS attached to C than I have in a long time… by that, I mean that in a good feeling way, like I just have more passion for more people (friends/people/family) and activities like dancing and school and just EVERYTHING than I have in so long! and that these are just filling up empty time spaces where I would of been thinking/focusing on him… hmm… this is a HUGE step for me 🙂

    I used to not have much of a social life at all… and this year I’ve made some really nice friends who are such positive lovely people who I just want to surround myself with… again big step for me(: I find that I go through my day not getting in touch of my feelings FOR HIM, but getting in touch with them because it FEELS GOOD, and not thinking about HIM, but about how good it would feel to be HERE or THERE go DANCE go sing with my friends, now it’s time for me to rest… oh right! Here’s a text from C!
    It feelssoo nice…



  298.  #299RileyTheOwl on October 1, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    big siigghhh okay I feel so mmmm time to go to bed now Riley<3



  299.  #300Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    Mandy 294,

    I really feel as if I feel you here – I have had a lot of backlash too, both on here and in my real life, for sticking with D, because his quirks and issues were things that other people didn’t think they could have dealt with themselves, because I didn’t seem to be “loving myself enough”. However I *knew* that the answer lay not in leaving him, or constantly bringing up the issues that I had with him, but rather inside myself, in the loving, healing journey that was taking place within me and in my world.

    And I was right. I have been overjoyed to see tremendous changes and immense healing between me and D. So many things have come right on their own, without me having to constantly bring them up, and I am happier than I have ever been. And it all came from following a small voice inside, rather than the overwhelming views of others on the outside.

    And as I say, I have got to experience this incredible love and healing journey with myself, how to fill myself up, how to calm myself, how to be strong in a way I have always wanted, that I would have missed if I had just walked away or talked and talked.



  300.  #301Indigo on October 1, 2014 at 11:46 pm

    Mandy,

    Your post 291 also reminded me of last night when I was with D, for some reason. We have been very “talky” recently – discussing things, topics we have opinions about, things going on in our lives… and affection has dropped off a bit as a result of all this “head stuff”. I was a bit tired of it. So last night I just decided to be quite quiet – he tried to engage me in topics and I just said very little. I just sank into the couch and just breathed and became aware of how things felt. And he started to get more affectionate. He was tired and going to bed and he asked if he could get me anything before he went, and I just smiled at him softly as I was lying there and said no thanks. And he came and sat by me and leaned down and kissed me and took my hand and just sat there for a bit. It was such a soft, tender, vulnerable open moment, it was like there was just warmth and air between us. It was like we were just “being” in this love moment, and I felt like my real self.



  301.  #302Victoria on October 2, 2014 at 12:29 am

    Indigo,
    at the end of the day, we do what we decide to do, and it is not the responsibility of anyone else to know what is good for us, even though some very well meaning people may have a very strong opinion on something that concerns you. In my case, my mother, who I am sure loves me more than anyone else in the world, has been so wrong on a number of occasions pushing me to act against what I thought was best.
    It was very interesting for me to read about your experience with overcoming the overwhelming views of others, and I feel very happy that you are happy, it is so refreshing to read a positive experience here. I am sure I would be vocal when I am triggered, and if I am happy and satisfies I would be just quitely smiling to myself. So please, keep bringing your positive emotions here!



  302.  #303Indigo on October 2, 2014 at 2:34 am

    Victoria,

    I so enjoyed reading your post!

    “In my case, my mother, who I am sure loves me more than anyone else in the world, has been so wrong on a number of occasions pushing me to act against what I thought was best.”

    My mom has a strong, vivacious personality and I adore her, and she has also had some pretty strong views on what was best for me that were either wrong or just not suited to me. It is all said out of love and she does help me enormously at times, but it is a challenge for me sometimes to put aside the voices of others and follow my own heart. Maybe this is because of being sensitive. I have found the courage to do my own thing though, and very glad that I have 🙂



  303.  #304Victoria on October 2, 2014 at 3:17 am

    Indigo 303
    I also wanted to tell you, that I like to actively seek the opinion of others, it helps me in my thinking and deciding, but I do not have a problem at all at disregarding advice (funny enough, I just did it yesteday on the blog, I asked for advice, heard it, and then chose to go against it). This is very easy for extroverts but I have noticed from my introvert friends that it a problem for them. Introverts are delicate and care way more about other people’s feelings and probably this is why it is an issue for you too. Isn’t it fasicnating how people are different?



  304.  #305Linda on October 2, 2014 at 7:49 am

    @280 – I revisited the Drama Queen post. Wow from 2009. Time certainly has flown .

    I re-read my posts there. There are still too many times I keep my drama queen quiet. In hind sight I wish I had let her speak when I was seeing P. It would have been ugly though. Ugly feels ummm messy and out of control.

    I used to not hear her voice at all but I do now. I have very animated conversations with her when I am alone. I feel ready to tackle why I “hold back” and why it feels wrong to express stuff



  305.  #306teresa on October 2, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Linda…..

    I wish I could feel my drama queen inside to be calm…to be rational but I can’ t. I feel the need to scream…shout…yell and cry. My emotions are real…my feelings have been hurt. I can honestly say I wished I was dead this morning. The pain of knowing what he did…..I can’t even think of a word. All I can do is cry. 🙁

    I have asked god to help me…..



  306.  #307Azure Blu on October 2, 2014 at 8:32 am

    ((((teresa)))) 306
    Ohhh… I know how awful you feel!!!
    Please share alllll your feelings with us here on Siren Island!
    Love YOU… hugg YOU!!
    I am sending loving warm vibes to you darling goddess!



  307.  #308Natalina on October 2, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Teresa,

    I so get where you are coming from- wanting every bit of yourself to be calm and reasonable.

    And yet, we are so multifaceted. We have so many voices inside us just wanting to be heard and loved unconditionally, and until we call them out- tell them we hear them and love them just as they are, until we can love these voices they will continue to control your ability to recieve love and other great experiences.

    My inner child likes to throw tantrums… And cry a lot, along with loving to play and make silly jokes

    My drama queen often lets her anger fly- which I can love, because I know if SHE is getting triggered- I know i just stepped into a territory that will allow me to heal, and love her more.

    Love myself more, and in turn- as I learn to speak to these voices- telling them I love them. Thanking them for speaking to me, AND telling them I am the one making the final decision here. I’ve got them. I’ve got me. I trust me more.

    When you fo this Your drama queen can then settle in knowing she has alerted you to a need she has, and trust you to take care of it in a way that feels good.

    you will trust yourself more, And men in your life will have a lesser and lesser gap for letting you down- because everyone is on the same page.

    This is part of what it means to create that feeling of safety for a man that compels him to want to be with you – do whatever it takes to be with you, for the rest of his days.

    It can be scary, for sure! I get that, and you can take comfort in that same hurdle.

    If it feels scary, you are doing something right.

    If it feels scary you are on your way and closer than ever before to love.

    I hope that helps soothe you a little, when emotions are raw like this- just keep putting on the love.

    Feed your drama queen love, feed yourself love.

    You are on the right track.

    Love,
    Natalina



  308.  #309teresa on October 2, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Thanks Azure,

    I know I need to take some part in being responsible. I ask myself were we exclusive…..then trying ti remember when that was decided or was it even decided. Did he hook up with me at night and then the next day or morning when he said he need to get his son he actually had another date. At 55 years of age you would think I could figure this out. Next Sunday is my birthday and we had big plans. All of it was lies…everyday I love you lies. Your the best thing ever…lies. I want you to be my everafter…..lies. Soulmate….lies. Everything was a lie!!!!!



  309.  #310Sophie on October 2, 2014 at 9:26 am

    ((((Teresa)))) have very very painful feeling and horrible for you. I send you so much love. I have experienced – I don’t know what word to use – deceit/infidelity…from men and I know even in what may have been lesser extremes the experience felt like a shattering of myself into little pieces. The initial stage I suppose is shock. The experience for me felt terrifying on many different levels, all the different emotions all at once and a completely disorientated sense of myself – you say something similar yourself. How do you know what is real/not real, was real/, where was I, myself, in all of this…in as much as how could I have been so easily ‘duped’. Well, I did my best to love myself HARD through all those experiences (two actually) and in time came to see it was NOTHING to do with me (although than my choice of man). So I trusted – good. So, I LOVED, good. So I ABSOLUTELY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT choose the wrong man – who would do the same thing to other women over and over again (and who may even have had very charming narcissistic qualities making this easy for him). I agree with azure Blu – staying connected and sharing on here may help with processing the feelings xxx



  310.  #311Sophie on October 2, 2014 at 9:32 am

    ((((Azure Blu)))) Although when a read your post (a few posts ago) about Spirit CD I literally felt your disappointed alongside you other these possibly intractable differences, I also felt awe for you and if I may use such a masculine word, high-five respect, that you are aware of the differences, feeling the feelings, easing through although it is feeling sad and disappointing. How many times have I KNOWN something and just desperately tried to make the man fit anyway? Lots – I guess that’s called ignoring the red flags

    Veronica – thank you for the lovely warm words – I always feel smiley reading your comments. The nice ones personally to me and your personal journey comments – they have such a romantic and poetic feel to them and an exquiste sensuality



  311.  #312Sophie on October 2, 2014 at 9:36 am

    298 – Riley – your joy feels contagious 🙂 it dances off the page – I feel smiley reading how you are enjoying yourself

    Linda – maybe you need the inner lioness image that you gave me 🙂 let her ROOOAARRRR!!!!



  312.  #313Kristi Ann on October 2, 2014 at 10:29 am

    Natalina,
    Great words



  313.  #314Azure Blu on October 2, 2014 at 11:13 am

    Well, dispite what others have said…
    I texts Spirit this morning… I hadnt heard from in a day….
    “”I like you so much.
    I love spending time with you and
    I feel sad and disconnected because we haven’t seen each other in awhile… What are your thoughts?”

    Him: I do too! I am trying to figure things out… I need some time to think… and then let’s talk.”

    I decided I needed to hear his voice… I called him and he answered… he was about ready to walk into surgery (he assits dr.s in surgery)
    ME: Ohhh.. Rob…it feels soo good to hear your voice…
    Him: ohh… thank you for calling… I needed to hear yours too!!
    I just need time to figure this out…
    ME: I understand… I love you dearly… I am sorry if I came off judgemental on our last dayte… You should feel like you can talk about anything YOU want to and so should I…
    Him: You are soo right…
    we’ll set a time to have dinner and talk…
    Me: Ohhh… that sounds soo good.
    I;m not sure if we can make this work … but I sure would like it to.
    Me: I know you need to go…
    Him: Have a good day.

    Ohhh…. sooo sad to think this probably won’t work…
    Soooo sad…. :~{ tears,,,
    such a sweet, tender hearted man!!!
    Talking to him on the phone reminded me of that… we had barely talked on the phone in 2 weeks!!
    I got sooo caught up in his texting and
    MY fear of intimacy!!!

    BUT He is closer than ever to MY Mr. Right
    Now I’ll lean back and wait for his call.



  314.  #315Azure Blu on October 2, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Natalina…
    Yes, as you have read… I have been grappling with my drama queen…
    It took me 2 weeks to be able to share with Spirit
    That I miss him… that I’m feeling disconnected…
    Why would that be sooo scary???
    He needed to know this…
    How can I get close to a man I care for If I can’t be vulnerable ???
    I needed Alll that time and space to feel those feelings and then
    work through the Deep anxiety and fear of being vulnerable and authentic.
    Sooo SCARED of getting TOO close…
    Such goodness… getting flexing my vulnerable and authentic muscle!!!



  315.  #316Azure Blu on October 2, 2014 at 11:52 am

    Sooo as NOT to confuse anyone…
    Spirits’ level of committement to his religion and beliefs…
    Is not compatible with My happily ever after dream.

    He is perfect just the way he is!!! and I love him for all of it!!
    It just wont work in MY LIFE… sooo sad!

    I have been aware of this and spoke of it since we met.
    I wanted to experiance being open hearted and warm and inviting to a man who was VERY excited about ME… had sooo many of the traits I love
    I was ready to be Surprised… Yay ME!!



  316.  #317Kath on October 2, 2014 at 12:48 pm

    Sirens I tried so hard last night to be open and siren like. I’d asked him to come over and take down a light fitting for me and when he did I offered him dinner. He accepted, I cooked whilst he took the light down and then did stuff with his van-We ate and managed to have a civil conversation. We even smiled at each other- it felt ok. I knew the right decision had been made but I could also see he was in pain too and I wanted us to leave on a positive note. He gave me a kiss on the forehead when he left and I cried so hard after he’d gone. He’d taken a letter that had arrived for him from the solicitor about his divorce and an hour later then the angry awful texts started from him. He said that the Judge had rejected the divorce saying that his xwife was entitled to half his pension and how he never should have listened to me and it was all my fault that he didn’t have a house anymore and would probably be struggling financially when he could no longer work anymore. It hurt so much to read those words but I did resist biting back. I just said I was really sorry he thought that and felt that way. It really made me feel awful. I loved him and I did everything I could to help him ( I know, I over-functioned!) but I cared about him and I wanted him to make his future more secure than he had done before. He let his xwife pull the rug from underneath him and because of his own lack of action, he had practically nothing when I met him. I felt so bad. But I haven’t responded and I won’t. I have to focus on me now. I am moving out tomorrow to my new little place on my own-I really want to be in my own place-I feel so sad.



  317.  #318Azure Blu on October 2, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    ((((Kath)))



  318.  #319Mandy on October 2, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Azure – your reaction to Spirit not being compatible sounds very healthy.

    Indigo – I feel exactly the same way you described. I knew my answer was in me loving me and not giving up. I wouldn’t have learned how to do it if I took the easy way out.

    J and I do talk a lot and are a lot in our heads too, and I notice the same thing (we are very intellectual people, TOTAL nerds, love Sci-fi and went to college for the same degree, lol, go figure.) I had that notion about he and I even before you mentioned it in your own situation, lol…but see, when I realize it and choose to just be quiet, he wonders what’s up, and says, huh, you’re being quiet, that’s weird…LOL. He actually said that one night, that it was weird, lol!!!
    But I notice he really really LOVES that little space between us, when I hold it with ease, and without too much awareness of the fact I’m holding it, so as not to burst the bubble; when we are watching a show… I am on the coach, and he is in his “captain’s chair” (hehe, he likes to call it that)… he tells me that when I am there on the couch, and he is there in his seat, it means the absolute world to him; I feel that he means he loves me and feels very comfy and content, when I am able to hold that tiny bit of space between us and not demand that he sit with me on the couch, but just be in the moment, in the movie/show, with him. Kind of a beautiful thing to me too, when I think and feel about it…I would love me too, if I were him, and I noticed my girl was holding that little space with no effort or discomfort, but with ease and relaxation, and even enjoyment, and not too much awareness of the fact she’s holding it. It would make me a very happy guy if I was a guy, I realize! 🙂 Actually, I love this as a woman. When men put their energy towards me too much I freak, but when they hold that space, I swear it’s the most attractive thing EVER! I’m like, hey there, mister! 🙂

    He loves the smallest gestures – he says it means the absolute world to him, when he gets that little tiny understated peck on his cheek from me. And it all feels like me just being me when I do (or don’t do) these things…no real effort there at all. Very natural. He really does appreciate the little tiny things…

    After all isn’t it those little, tiny, understated, quiet gestures/moments that make up life, and make you happy? 🙂 That’s living life to fullest I think! Very important stuff! 🙂



  319.  #320Natalina on October 2, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    for Azure,
    “It took me 2 weeks to be able to share with Spirit
    That I miss him… that I’m feeling disconnected…
    Why would that be sooo scary???”

    things that come up when I read your post:

    This is a bigger question than it seems. and the answer lies inside another question; ‘how often do we instinctively shut ourselves up/shut down because our natural inhibited responses feel embarrassing and wrong to us?’

    we have all been building up layers over the years, layers that make speaking from a genuine feeling place more and more impossible. some of these layers were formed because …
    1. we don’t want to seem weak
    2. our father’s told us to stop crying and walk it off…
    3. you once asked for something and were told, ” if you ask one more time for this, the answer will be ‘never’.”
    …erc etc…

    there are so so many experiences, memories, and learnings we have acquired through life that instead of strictly refining us, and making the diamonds in our heart shine- they just keep lacing us tighter and tighter, until we are completely restricted inside the tough outter shell we have learned to say is “our boundaries”, or “how a good woman should be…”

    when in fact… boundaries are on the inside.

    most of us have traded our core emotional muscles, for tight laced corsets, and going back to natural is a process.

    you will feel the burn as you stretch and strengthen your emotional muscle- it will feel like fear.

    but soon that fear will turn into excitement.

    the excitement will turn to joy…
    and before you know it you will truly be walking gracefully. no metal. no wire. no strings.



  320.  #321Azure Blu on October 2, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Natalina,
    Thank you lovely Siren…
    Such deep profound truths!!

    I’m NOT feeling good at alllll tonight…
    Feel like i got hit by a truck…
    Part of me is feeling like Spirit was just playing a game the whole time???
    telling me he loved me sooo quickly…
    pushing hard for sex…
    then backing way off after we made love???
    I am VERY confused…
    Right now I wish I’d listened to my first instincts months ago and stayed away!!!

    well here we go…
    this bad feeling will go away in a few months..
    Hopefully sooner…
    just LOVE me… I LOVE YOU AZURE BLU!!!
    fill my time up with lots of good things!!



  321.  #322Liquid Light on October 2, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    (((((((Azure))))))))

    Hang in there, girl, try not to beat yourself up. Feel the feelings and take care of you right now. Big hugs, girl!



  322.  #323Azure Blu on October 2, 2014 at 7:32 pm

    LL… thank you for the huggsss
    darling Siren… I need them…. Your support means the world to me…
    oxoxo



  323.  #324Indigo on October 2, 2014 at 11:38 pm

    Azure Blu,

    I can feel how you instinctively want to close up your heart again. And this is such a normal response, but may I suggest instead…

    Unzipping your heart? Feel it beating raw and open? Feel the hurt? Feel the tears that inevitably will want to come up at this point? Notice all the thoughts and beliefs that come up when you do that, and use it as a healing opportunities for old hurts and past hurts? Use it as an opportunity to expand your heart ever wider to the world.



  324.  #325Indigo on October 3, 2014 at 1:24 am

    Mandy,

    I really loved and resonated deeply with your post 319.

    D and I hold this space between each other most of the time. The majority of the time we spend together there is a space between us, it is filled with warmth and calm and relaxation and quiet independence, and a delicate caring thread connects us. Each of us doing our own thing – he often comes and drops a kiss on my lips or puts a hand on my shoulder, or comes up behind me and puts his arms around me, and I just let it be. And then there is always a time during the night when we come together, and it is always initiated by him. He makes a point of finishing whatever he was doing and coming and spending a few hours with me, and I try to lean back in this, I just allow it. I feel that, like your guy, he appreciates this. That I’m able to hold the space and be not only ok, but I actually like it a lot, it suits me.

    I often feel, as long as he kisses me hello, kisses me goodbye, kisses me goodnight and kisses me good morning, I am ok 🙂



  325.  #326Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 2:12 am

    Indigo#325
    Ahhh… the posts you have shared lately of you and D are sooo loving and warm…
    This alll sounds like such a calm yet energetic (as in being in tune with each other all the time) loving space!!
    I sooo enjoy hearing about your time together.



  326.  #327Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 2:28 am

    Indigo #334
    Lovely Siren,,,,Thank you for your thoughtful insights…
    Yes, i am closing up my heart and then trying to unzip it…
    a back and forth, right now,
    between I should have NOT let him into my life

    Knowing where I am right NOW
    Is
    and IS EXACTLY where I am supposed to be
    and it doesn’t always feel good
    and it just is…
    NOW loves me
    and is taking exquisite care
    of ME
    LOVING ME… HUGGING ME…
    LOVING my feelings of feeling rejected and abandoned

    and I don’t want to BE here
    I wanted HIM to be MY Mr. Right!!!!!!!!
    and why does he need space???
    and I KNOW that HE is NOT the right man for me
    But still wanting him to be…

    Just like my cds from the last year and half – KS and BK and Mike2 and GR
    I have learned many lessons…
    They all came back… and when I tried dating them again
    I remembered why we didn’t work out…



  327.  #328Sassy on October 3, 2014 at 5:15 am

    New thread up



  328.  #329Indigo on October 3, 2014 at 7:21 am

    ((((Azure Blu))))



  329.  #330Jamee on October 3, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Hi! Beautiful Women,

    Good morning…

    A request –
    I would love to have a sharing of movies that you like/love, maybe with a word or two why. Rori has mentioned a few in her courses, I would appreciate knowing what those were if you know – I believe one was Ground Hog Day.

    Some of my all time favorites-

    Peaceful Warrior – totally spiritual
    The Letter Writer – very inspirational
    Pay It Forward – inspirational

    I would love to hear yours…

    Jamee
    jamee@coachingbyjameelight.com



  330.  #331Victoria on October 3, 2014 at 8:03 am

    @Azure 327

    Do you want him to be your Mr. Right, or do you just want to stop the search?
    I am in a similiar situation with Favorite CD – I am in love with him, and he is in love with me, but even so, I am quite convinced that he is with more than 50% certainty not my forever man. AHHHH, hope springs eternal, I still hope there is a slight chance that he mights be, but reality shows otherwise, so I use probablities… I kept CDing but have been dropping CDs out because they do not measure up to him, with all his imperfections he is still my favorite. I lose my temper easily with the other CDs, because they are just for practive, and my love is just for him. I have kind of resigned msyself to the fact that I need to go back to growing the CD rotation, otherwise I will be just pining after him, and this does no good to no one….



  331.  #332Azure Blu on October 3, 2014 at 8:25 am

    Victoria,
    thank you for sharing your story with me in this context..
    Yes, I’m MORE than 80% sure that Spirit and I could NEVER work…
    Fortunately it has only been 3 months that we have been dating…
    I brought up the MAJOR issue we have between us
    which is his total dedication to his religious beliefs
    I respect HIS beliefs… BUT
    I asked him if HE could accept ME and MY spiritual beliefs… because I know I won’t change…
    fortunetaly it has caused HIM and ME to take a good hard look at this!!!

    Yesterday He asked for space to think about things and to think things out…
    I will give it a week or so and then… I will
    give him a FM…
    “I love you… You deserve all the time you need to figure out things for you…
    And I would feel happy to talk about us when you are ready…
    and until then I will be moving forward with my life…
    What do you think?”



  332.  #333Indigo on October 3, 2014 at 8:50 am

    Azure Blu,

    I think that’s a beautiful, calm, strong feeling message, and I think you have been very mature in how you have handled this.

    Those fundamental differences are big things. My ex-husband and I broke up primarily because he wanted children and I did not. I would now never more than casually date a man who had his heart set on children. For some people, religion can be like that. Not sure if it is for Spirit.



  333.  #334Femininewoman on October 3, 2014 at 10:03 am

    ” until then I will be moving forward with my life…
    What do you think?”

    I don’t like these two together. I kinda suggests asking him his opinion about whether you should live your life or not.



  334.  #335Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 10:40 am

    321 (especially) Azure Blu – I want to give you a big squeeze hug – I know all those emotions – I feel admiration for the way you have handled all of this (similar to what Indigo has said). I agree with FW too about the two together so it doesn’t sound like permission to live your life – it could just be shuffled though
    “I love you… You deserve all the time you need to figure out things for you…until then I will be moving forward with my life…And I would feel happy to talk about us when you are ready…

    What do you think?”

    does that work???? xxxx



  335.  #336Sophie on October 3, 2014 at 10:43 am

    Jamee – I love love love The English Patient – it is beautiful, heartrenching, romantic and breathtaking (what a man wouldn’t do for a woman he loves…)

    And I have recently been loving The Best Exotic `marigold Hotel and just seeing the beauty in the authenticity of the characters and their different energies and how they become more open and vulnerable in different instances

    I also like The Holiday – with cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet – I find that really kind of girl power 🙂 xxx



  336.  #337Victoria on October 3, 2014 at 11:51 am

    Azure,
    Would you dare to tell him the whole truth?
    I will be seeing other men?
    I am thinking of wherher i shall say this to Favorite but it looks like an ultimatum… But then again, this is the truth about i intend to do…



  337.  #338Veronica on October 4, 2014 at 12:42 am

    Jamee

    Wings of Desire – I just wanted to be absorbed in the last few scenes
    Fugitive Pieces – oh my, the poetry in this film and towards the end about love is just so exquisite – a male character saying how love is for him



  338.  #339Jamee on October 4, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Veronica/Sophie-

    Thanks for the suggestions of movies.

    I’m trying to extricate myself from a relationship which is turning out to be toxic for me; being saved, I believe, from the horrible tortures (I have suffered as a co-dependent all my life) I have gone thru in the past doing so, by circular dating and the tools in the modern siren combo, but there is still pain. One thing I will have, I believe, is more time to watch movies and love to know about good ones…I love feel good movies

    So thanks again ladies, and would love to know about others…

    Appreciate both your responses …

    Jamee

    jamee@coachingbyjameelight.com



  339.  #340Azure Blu on October 4, 2014 at 5:48 am

    Sophie & Jamee
    I do LOVE “Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
    Such a GREAt movie about opening your heart to love at every age!!!

    Also- “1000 Feet Journey”

    I just watched “African Queen”- humphrey Bogart & Kathrine hepburn – 1964… I hadn’t seen it in years… It is still REally good! When 2 very different people start loving each other and the whole time she gives him Sooo much appreciation and Respect…

    Ohhh and “Out of Africa” I haven’t seen that one in years… I think i’ll watch it on Netflix soon!!



  340.  #341LaOriental on October 4, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Thank you, Rori, for this incredible video. I am the daughter of a radical feminist who understood that in order to change the world it was simply not enough to have more women in positions of power, but to impact the world by behaving as women.

    I am inspired and grateful to see this very important subject be part of your coaching! You are an amazing woman and I am honored to be one of your devotees!

    You rock!