How Your “Intensity” Can Push A Man Away

Untitled design (14)

What is emotional “Intensity”?

I remember years ago, when I was a single girl in New York City, depressed from my last break-up and trying to create a career in a new city, how one of my girlfriends – Karen – said about another girl friend – Sheri – “She’s just so intense…it’s hard to be around.”

I was pretty much stunned. I recognized that I wasn’t actually “excited” to be around Sheri either (as what Karen said made me think about it, I realized she seemed to “tire me out”), but I never would have thought to call her “intense.” I thought it was just because both Sheri and I were depressed, and being with her just made me go more into my own depression.

I actually couldn’t put my finger on it then at all, what it was about Sheri that “put off” Karen and tired me out. In fact, I was amazed that Karen didn’t feel that way about ME – that I was draining her, too.

After all, we were ALL a bit intense. We were struggling actresses, living month to month. I was making a little money doing commercials and plays, and I knew Karen was working days and nights as a hostess in a restaurant, doing a job she didn’t want to do, and she didn’t seem all that happy much of the time, either. But she WAS more fun to be around than Sheri.

Now I know what it was about Sheri. It was as though she was a “black hole” – where she unconsciously “sucked up” energy from the people around her. And it was so not on purpose.

She was nice, she paid attention when you talked, she didn’t cry on your shoulder any more than anyone else, she got up and out of the house like we all did – it was an ENERGY thing that made Karen feel drained when she was with Sheri – enough to actually TALK about it and decide not to go somewhere if Sheri was coming along, too. It had something to do with the intensity of how she was BLOCKING her emotions.

The intensity of how she was dealing with her feelings – not the feelings themselves – was making her TENSE. And this TENSION was what was wearing Karen and me out.

So here’s a quick Tool (I’ll be writing a lot about this “black hole” idea and how energy works): Start to notice what’s going on when your man is leaning away from you, or not calling, or has started to act more like a “friend” than a “suitor.” Start to notice at a party which men come up to talk to you, and what happens after a few moments of conversation.

What I want you to NOTICE is this – are these men leaning TOWARD you – or AWAY from you?

Once you start to notice, we’ll take it a few more steps…

Posted in


  1.  #1Linda Butler on September 15, 2008 at 6:17 pm

    black hole.. no.. when I am out with men around . they come into me.. so thats good… I keep it in.. and feel good.
    sort of.. that I am moving ahead… but today.. I feel so bad… I miss him alot…
    I know this does not make sense.. thats how I feel.
    my boyfriend always has the power.. and the control
    but maybe he does not know this.. I dont know.
    I did all the things you say to do.. when he left the relatioship the first year for 30 days.1 st yr. dissapeared..( nothing to do with us)
    I cried everyday.. but I signed up at the gym.. I worked out hard everyday… and I went on a great diet. I lost
    25 lbs,, and I was going well with work.. and when he appeared again in my life and wanted to see me..
    wow.. he was crazy about me.. and then we saw each other ever day and night till now.