Evan Marc Katz And Rori “Square Off” About Circular Dating

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Evan Marc Katz and I recorded a GREAT interview last week (it’ll be out in August in my Monthly Interview Series…) – he really, truly is a passionate champion for women, and I love his firmness and dedication to making relationships simple and do-able.

After the interview we wrote each other, and it turned into a discussion about our differing ideas about the whole “Boyfriend/Girlfriend” agreement that I don’t like, and Evan honors…So here’s the discussion:

From Evan:

Rori,
Such fun seeing you and having our interesting conversation… I’m honored that you choose me to be part of your interview series and we’re preparing a special “Rori Raye” page on www.EvanMarcKatz.com for your listeners…

From Me:

Evan – thank you so much for the interview – I was SO impressed…and you sort of gave me a little EMK to work with myself….I think of you this way:

Passionate champion of women.

You will not let us fail.

You take no bullshit, allow no bullshit – there are very, very few gray areas.

No excuses.

If you do things the right way, in the right order, you will not fail.

AND – most important – your power is in walking away. I have a “tool” I call the “Walkaway” – but it doesn’t have the force of your firm message, and because I’m mostly an “inner game” coach I tend not to be forceful – so having YOU be forceful is a very great thing – very inspiring – good to refer clients to you.

From Evan:

Rori,

Very nice words and I’m appreciative that you see me that way. I don’t mean to be abrasive, nor do I even think of myself as black and white, but I do firmly believe in what I say and stand on it as a form of truth – not merely my opinion about how things SHOULD be, but an observation about how they ARE – about what WORKS.

I didn’t meant to put down Circular Dating; all I wanted to do was illustrate that if a woman pulled that on ME, I’d be out the door. Other men might stick around, but they’re likely to be men who are a) blinded by lust and willing to put up with an unreasonable compromise (“I commit; you date around until we’re married), or b) guys who are so WEAK that they are not likely to command respect from the women who insist on CDing in front of them.

While I understand the thinking behind it – creating abundance, diversifying your risk, building ego – it’s not something I could advocate to my own readers, if you see where I’m coming from.

From Me:

Evan – I really, really like your work, attitude and everything about it. Circular Dating is not really about “dating” – it’s a therapeutic technique you use with everyone – man, woman, child – so it’s more the “keeping your options open” where the disagreement is…

I think we could likely come closer if we tried – but I like the difference here! I think your no-nonsense approach is gold!

I think a part of the problem is that I’m an “inner game” way of working…and you’re more the “outer game” – I’m the one who helps a woman stay sane and not go all insecure while boyfriend turns to husband – in other words – your wife would never need me.

She had it together…but most women I know and work with (and I’m one of those women) – can’t really handle a relationship that’s in “limbo” – especially if they want children and are already in their 30’s.

There are attentive men out there who are good boyfriends but still quite difficult, and are actually hiding that they’re non-commit-able or still in love with their ex or have a thing for another woman in town – because they don’t really know it themselves.

“Keeping my options open” can simply mean you NEVER shut down your options until you feel ready to do so – rather than by some kind of rules….

Sure there’s room for movement here – but I really do like your firmness…so I don’t care if we get closer in thought!

From Evan:

And I know it’s no consolation to someone who feels “insane” when a relationship is in limbo, but the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment, and just as importantly, NOT openly date other guys, which undermines all sense of trust and the feeling that he’s somehow special.

Men and women aren’t all that different, and if you found out your boyfriend was “keeping his options open” until marriage, you’d probably feel pretty upset. I’m not sure why it would work any differently for the man who’s on the receiving end of Circular Dating.

The good news is that by my “rules” (and I hate that word), you don’t have to wait long to find out where you stand. If he’s not your boyfriend in 2-3 months MAX, you’re OUT the door. Usually, if you look at successful relationships, that choice is made in the first 4-6 weeks, tops. So if you can play it cool until then and then walk if the relationship isn’t escalating (he doesn’t call every day, he doesn’t leave his weekends open for you, he doesn’t take down his profile, he doesn’t refer to you as his girlfriend, he doesn’t integrate you into his life, he doesn’t make you feel safe, etc.)

From Me – Of course I get the last word…for now…

I just love this discussion…and what it points up MOST for me is the difference between a man coach/therapist and a woman coach/therapist.

Evan can see things I can’t.

He can experience things I can’t, and come to conclusions from a different place I do.

And yet – it’s also true that he can’t see with a woman’s eyes and feel with a woman’s feelings.  And this isn’t just because he’s a man – but because he’s Evan and sees and thinks and feels and perceives as Evan.

Same for me.

What’s so great about this is that you have us BOTH!

You get the firm, no-nonsense boundaries and help saying “No” from Evan, and you get the inner beefing up, the support, the tools to allow yourself to be vulnerable and available to Love.

Let me know how you feel about all this!

Love, Rori

You can get Evan’s amazing (I wish I’d written every one of them) free newsletters and take a look at his ebook “Why He Disappeared” right here at www.EvanMarcKatz.com.

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1 Comments

  1.  #1Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 6:30 am

    I am happy to see this collaboration and undertanding between the two. Yaayy.



  2.  #2Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 6:36 am

    I have mad respect for both of you.

    ~Lil



  3.  #3Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 6:36 am

    FP~ How’s your daddy?

    ~Lil



  4.  #4mali on April 25, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Rori- I have such respect for you. You have such a calm, peaceful, and loving way of dealing with differences, and I love that. Thankyou.



  5.  #5Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 7:08 am

    My dad is doing good. He was out to church yesterday.

    Thanks for asking Lilybelle



  6.  #6LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:10 am

    wow, that’s odd. My last post says it’s in moderation, but there isn’t anything questionable in it. What causes a comment to go to moderation?



  7.  #7Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 7:11 am

    I also feel that because he experiences things as Evan and Rori experiences things as Rori, I can also say the same thing about me and for me. As such though the tools work in the majority of instances I would imagine that people I am dealing with experience them uniquely and might not necessarily respond the same way from person to person.



  8.  #8Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 7:12 am

    Me too LD. I actually copied and pasted it a second time to see what would happen, got the same result.



  9.  #9The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:14 am

    Some good points by both debaters, but I have to say I’m disappointed that Evan still confuses the Circular Dating concept with being only about dating several guys at the same time. That’s only part of it, and if he really had looked into Rori’s ideas (which doesn’t necessite buying her book, which I didn’t do, either), he should be aware of that. On the other hand, the phrase “circular dating” is unnecessarily misleading, as I already pointed out, so it’s not totally suprising that people get this wrong.

    Still, I’m siding with Evan when it comes to having sex with several dates at the same time. Imho this will backfire with many, if not most men (only very few of which have 4 sex partners at any given time, btw). And if those men happen to be the best possible partner for a girl (for instance by being more socially conservative oriented, by being very monogamous, or with stronger possesive feelings) than the girl practicing this variant of circular dating is ruining her own chances.

    After all, she still can only pick one guy out of the pool of really existing men. No amount of wishful thinking will make a Mr. Perfect appear, who is masculine but not jealous, and totally liberal when it comes to his date’s sex life. That’s why Rori should put a stronger emphasis on the point that sex with multiple partners is optional and should only be considered if the woman is really comfortable with that and if it’s not incompatible with her preferred “Mr. Right” type of guy. Of course, a male harem is an exciting fantasy for some women, but they still have to find their guy oin the real world, not fantasyland!



  10.  #10Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 7:15 am

    Wow…I am in moderation???? Gosh, no faulty or naughty language…:(



  11.  #11LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:18 am

    I see this from both sides because I have experienced it from both sides. I CDed for 2 1/2 years because the men I was dating either weren’t stepping up or were trying to take me off the market for the wrong reasons. All of them were either wrong for me or I for them. I went on dates with over 100 men in that time and usually had 2-3 in rotation and sometimes as many as 5 or 6. I practiced communicating with men A LOT during that time and figuring out what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. It was a healing process for me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    But I became exclusive with D within a month of dating. Per Rori’s rules, I made sure he formally asked me for exclusivity and knew I’d keep dating until he took me off the market. I had a date with ministerCD the day before D formally asked me to be exclusive! I also made sure we were in the same place in our lives and viewed relationships and commitments the same way and wanted the same things down the road.

    However, once all of that was in place and it felt right, per Evan’s rules I didn’t hesitate to be exclusive with him when he asked. Because now I feel strong enough to walk away if it’s not what I want or thought it would be 3 months down the road. My past pattern would’ve been to stay for a year or two even if I was unhappy or didn’t feel things were working. Those past patterns were exactly what I wanted to break during my time CDing. Now I don’t feel like I would waste a year or two in a relationship that was not fulfilling for me. I also feel like I’m a better judge of what type of man and relationship is good for me than I was then, and wouldn’t even agree to exclusivity in the first place if I didn’t feel it was right for me.

    CDing got me to where I am now, which is being exclusive with a man more wonderful than I thought I deserved or could ever have. And for the first time, I’m in a relationship where I don’t feel any anxiety. I feel completely relaxed and like I can be myself. And be cared for and cherished for just being myself. No, I don’t have a ring on my finger at this point, but I have a sense of peace I’ve never felt before. I feel confident that one of two things will happen: 1) D is the right man for me and I’ll feel cared for and cherished the rest of my life, or 2) I’ll realize at some point that D is not the right man for me and have the strength to walk away, knowing that there is someone EVEN BETTER for me around the corner.

    Feels like a win/win situation to me…



  12.  #12Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Subscribing 🙂 We kinda of discussed this topic on the other blogs…there was indeed a lot of passionate discussions…

    I feel curious if the spirits have mellowed this time around…lol

    I like to see opposite views on CD…Although, I feel so much more empowered and free with Rori’s view… I have a weird feeling and I feel scared that I might end up doing (as in the past) what Evan is promoting which is becoming exclusive with one man too soon 🙁 …

    I hope that this time around I can t*mper my enthusiasm and of course, h*rmones…Lol

    Warm hugs to u both…



  13.  #13The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:18 am

    Rory, there’s a comment from me in moderation now. And Rusty mildly complained that this happens to him very often recently, too. Hmm, IF you want to keep a cap on the amount of “male” comments here 1(which I would understand, since this should still stay a forum with a very female voice), simply send us guys an email, ok? I CAN keep a lower profile, and I’m sure good ole Rusty, who seems to be a very reasonable guy, too.



  14.  #14Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 7:19 am

    Rori, what’s going on? I am in moderation again?

    I feel uncomfortable…:( and sure don’t know why…



  15.  #15The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Oh, I see, it’s not only happening to male comments! See #9. Hi, Darling, welcome to the club!
    😀



  16.  #16LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:20 am

    Lurker,

    I think everyone is going into moderation right now…



  17.  #17Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 7:21 am

    I am wondering if it is mentioning the other coaches name that puts it in moderation because of the previous debates.



  18.  #18Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Maybe things aren’t running smoothly behind the scenes for some reason?



  19.  #19Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Sorry the other coach’s name. I used it on the previous thread and that went into moderation too.



  20.  #20LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:23 am

    FP,

    I did mention his name in my post. I’m gonna copy and paste without his name and see what happens.



  21.  #21The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:24 am

    #16 Good idea, FP! Will try and check this.



  22.  #22LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:24 am

    I see this from both sides because I have experienced it from both sides. I CDed for 2 1/2 years because the men I was dating either weren’t stepping up or were trying to take me off the market for the wrong reasons. All of them were either wrong for me or I for them. I went on dates with over 100 men in that time and usually had 2-3 in rotation and sometimes as many as 5 or 6. I practiced communicating with men A LOT during that time and figuring out what I did and didn’t want in a relationship. It was a healing process for me and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

    But I became exclusive with D within a month of dating. Per CD rules, I made sure he formally asked me for exclusivity and knew I’d keep dating until he took me off the market. I had a date with ministerCD the day before D formally asked me to be exclusive! I also made sure we were in the same place in our lives and viewed relationships and commitments the same way and wanted the same things down the road.

    However, once all of that was in place and it felt right, per E’s rules I didn’t hesitate to be exclusive with him when he asked. Because now I feel strong enough to walk away if it’s not what I want or thought it would be 3 months down the road. My past pattern would’ve been to stay for a year or two even if I was unhappy or didn’t feel things were working. Those past patterns were exactly what I wanted to break during my time CDing. Now I don’t feel like I would waste a year or two in a relationship that was not fulfilling for me. I also feel like I’m a better judge of what type of man and relationship is good for me than I was then, and wouldn’t even agree to exclusivity in the first place if I didn’t feel it was right for me.

    CDing got me to where I am now, which is being exclusive with a man more wonderful than I thought I deserved or could ever have. And for the first time, I’m in a relationship where I don’t feel any anxiety. I feel completely relaxed and like I can be myself. And be cared for and cherished for just being myself. No, I don’t have a ring on my finger at this point, but I have a sense of peace I’ve never felt before. I feel confident that one of two things will happen: 1) D is the right man for me and I’ll feel cared for and cherished the rest of my life, or 2) I’ll realize at some point that D is not the right man for me and have the strength to walk away, knowing that there is someone EVEN BETTER for me around the corner.

    Feels like a win/win situation to me…



  23.  #23LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:25 am

    yep, it went through when I deleted the 2 coaches names…



  24.  #24The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Some good points by both debaters, but I have to say I’m disappointed that E. still confuses the Circular Dating concept with being only about dating several guys at the same time. That’s only part of it, and if he really had looked into R.’s ideas (which doesn’t necessite buying her book, which I didn’t do, either), he should be aware of that. On the other hand, the phrase “circular dating” is unnecessarily misleading, as I already pointed out, so it’s not totally suprising that people get this wrong.

    Still, I’m siding with E. when it comes to having sex with several dates at the same time. Imho this will backfire with many, if not most men (only very few of which have 4 sex partners at any given time, btw). And if those men happen to be the best possible partner for a girl (for instance by being more socially conservative oriented, by being very monogamous, or with stronger possesive feelings) than the girl practicing this variant of circular dating is ruining her own chances.

    After all, she still can only pick one guy out of the pool of really existing men. No amount of wishful thinking will make a Mr. Perfect appear, who is masculine but not jealous, and totally liberal when it comes to his date’s sex life. That’s why R. should put a stronger emphasis on the point that sex with multiple partners is optional and should only be considered if the woman is really comfortable with that and if it’s not incompatible with her preferred “Mr. Right” type of guy. Of course, a male harem is an exciting fantasy for some women, but they still have to find their guy in the real world, not fantasyland!



  25.  #25The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:26 am

    Indeed! Ha!!!
    Ladies, simply don’t mention the four letter word starting with E, and you’re fine!
    😀



  26.  #26Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 7:28 am

    LD as far as I am concerned there is no arguing with experience so that is the reason I like experimenting.



  27.  #27LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:33 am

    Lurker,

    I had a no sex boundary while CDing. I only slipped up and had sex twice in 2 1/2 years. One of those was a CD I was considering becoming exclusive with over a year ago and the other time was a hookup with my ex from 3 years ago that was sort of a test for me. Other than that, sex was not a part of the equation. I had a history of men who were wrong for me offering to be exclusive with me in order to have sex with me, so that’s one of the patterns I was trying to break.

    As one of the other sirens here wrote “sex is the reward of a healthy relationship, not the way to try to begin a relationship.”



  28.  #28The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:37 am

    #19 LD, that’s a real success story and sure is inspiring for the other girls! Shows that CDing, used in a way that is personalized to your situation and needs, really puts you on the right track. Of course, there is no guarantee, there never is in real life, but it’s obvious that with your increased self confidence and awareness you’re well prepared to deal with any relationship issues that may come up. Great!
    🙂



  29.  #29LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Lurker,

    No, there never is a guarantee. There isn’t one with D now, but I feel comfortable taking the risk. It’s pretty much always a gamble, but I feel if a woman has the right tools and experience and takes the time to heal her issues and blocks, at least she can take the risk with the best odds for her.

    Denying myself sex was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I needed to do that in order to weed out the men who were only looking for sex with me, even if they promised me more.



  30.  #30Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 7:44 am

    Subscribing 🙂 We kinda of discussed this topic on the other blogs…there was indeed a lot of passionate discussions…

    I feel curious if the spirits have mellowed this time around…lol

    I like to see opposite views on CD…Although, I feel so much more empowered and free with Rori’s view… I have a weird feeling and I feel scared that I might end up doing (as in the past) what E is promoting which is becoming exclusive with one man too soon 🙁 …

    I hope that this time around I can t*mper my enthusiasm and of course, h*rmones…Lol

    Warm hugs to u both…



  31.  #31Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 7:46 am

    Yay…u guys are right…coaches’ names shall not be mentioned…or we gonna get booted out the camp…lol

    Lurker #13…It feels good to be part of the “renegades” club…lol Thank you for the warm welcome 🙂



  32.  #32Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 7:48 am

    I hope this time around the discussion will be more tempered so that E can come in with his comments.



  33.  #33The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 7:57 am

    #28 “It feels good to be part of the “renegades” club”
    Afaics club members are You, Darling Ella, LD, Rusty and me. Wow, that’s a good cast for a hot party! This triggers my imagination…
    😀



  34.  #34Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 8:02 am

    The Lurker:

    “Wow, that’s a good cast for a hot party! This triggers my imagination…”

    Indeed Wow…;) Imagination feels good 🙂 I feel smitten 🙂

    Out to work…I feel frustrated can’t post via my phone…but I sure can read 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  35.  #35Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Lurker:

    I posted a question for you the other day…:)

    Here is again: What does a Goddess mean to you?

    Warm hugs,



  36.  #36The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 8:18 am

    Just as a reminder: Ella, QueenBee, I posted comments for you in the previous thread, at #1107 and #1109!
    🙂



  37.  #37Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Sigh. I hoped this business with “Mr. X” had run it’s course two weeks ago.

    Here’s the thing: So a guy is supposed to step up to be your BOYFRIEND 4 to 12 weeks after meeting you – but he gets to take up to 3 YEARS after that to decide whether or not he wants to be your husband. The timetable is completely his. And he may decide never to marry her anyway.

    So I suppose it comes down to how long a woman really wants to be a man’s exclusive girlfriend.



  38.  #38Daria on April 25, 2011 at 8:27 am

    I feel amused how the guys freak out
    ‘Lest the woman is sexually active’

    🙂



  39.  #39The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 8:28 am

    #32 “What does a Goddess mean to you?”

    Well, Darling, that’s a bit personal, since it involves fantasies that I won’t discuss at a public forum. Also, “goddess” is a nickname I use for a certain online friend, and so it has two different meanings for me.

    But speaking generally, a goddess is for me an idealized picture of a woman, including all that I desire from a girlfriend (a mixture that probably doesn’t exist in real life). And I understand you girls feel flattered when being called a “goddess”. Just be aware that this may mean that the guy is putting you on too high a podestal, with the risk that your totally natural human flaws may result in an ugly wake up for him. So, you may want to know if he uses this as a compliment, or maybe teasingly, or if he’s rather in love with his imagination of you than your real self.

    Well, Darling, that’s all I want to say about this. The details are really a bit too personal, and as you girls may have noticed, I’m a very shy guy.
    😀



  40.  #40Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 8:31 am

    35:

    Lurker, I am smitten with you as well. 😉

    ~Lil



  41.  #41The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 8:36 am

    #34 “he gets to take up to 3 YEARS after that to decide whether or not he wants to be your husband. The timetable is completely his.”

    Lily, imho this is a misinterpretation. I don’t find this in E.’s blog postings. Instead, he seems to advocate that the woman always has a say in this, too! If she finds that the guy is too comfortable with the status quo, and not spending thoughts on making his mind up about marriage, of course this should have consequences! Not to speak of the situation where the relationship detoriates. In such situations, E. often advices a woman to put an end to this (imho even a bit too often). So, the timetable is still very much depending on you ladies, too. If you come to the conclusion, “this doesn’t lead anywhere”, then it’s quits, regardless whether it’s after 6 months or two years.



  42.  #42Anna on April 25, 2011 at 8:39 am

    Great post and I love the dynamics between Rori and EMK way of looking at Circular Dating. I happen to agree with EMK, but I also love the idea of Circular Dating. I have chosen not to see other men while my bf and I work things out, but I have CD myself, my friends, my life and that feels good. In turn I am leaving my options open in other ways by putting myself away from the phone and him calling the shots. I feel good about that and love my “new” life.

    However, I would love some advice away from this post. My bf and I were together for 5 years and we have been broken up for a year now, but we have been working on things for this year and our communication and understand have been so much better and we have built a foundation we never had before. Yesterday he invited me to Easter dinner at his mother’s house ( I haven’t seen them in a year). I had such mixed feelings about it, I was happy but also anxious. Everything went well, but when we left I had this overwhelming sadness come over me. He asked what was wrong and I told him that I didn’t want to ruin a great day by telling him. He said I wouldn’t and wanted to know. I just was honest and said I had mixed emotions, that I was happy and sad at the same time; and that I sat at the table and I looked around and it made me sad because we still aren’t there yet. I was crying and he hugged me and said that we weren’t too far away from it either. He asked if I wanted to stay over and I said I just need a night alone. He called a few times to say he missed me and I said I missed him too. It was weird I was sad, but I felt a sense of release too with those tears. Today I woke up feeling like myself again, but I was taken back by how strong those emotions came out. Has anyone had this happen to them?



  43.  #43The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 8:45 am

    #37 “Lurker, I am smitten with you as well.”
    Awwww, Lil! 🙂
    But don’t. My only personality is much more charming than my real self, believe me. You girls only see the sunny side up here. Not the still handsome, but also chaotic and confused other half, that needs some hard work before being of any use in a relationship.

    However, why the reference to “35”? You mean comment #35? I don’t really think Daria is smitten with me! Which is totally ok. Even though I hate to see a pretty girl not falling in love with me!
    😀



  44.  #44Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 8:52 am

    #37

    If you read that blog extensively ( I have) the coach stresses giving a “good guy” up to 3 years. OFCOURSE a woman could bail at any time, but the thinking is that she shouldn’t bail on a “good guy” just because he’s not operating on HER timetable.

    Cd’ing is merely an option for a woman who feels *stuck* in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be progressing where she might like. I’d say,if a woman decides to cd (in the actual dating sense) after being in an exclusive relationship with someone, it’s a strong indication that the relationship isn’t as close as it should be for marriage at that point. It’s dropping the relationship down a level, not breaking it off completely, but leaving the door open.

    I don’t know how many couples, both parties, would choose such a course of action, but it’s an alternative to giving an ultimatum, or just walking away and slamming the door shut. The way I see it, just the possibility of dating others after being exclusive would hopefully open the thought process and dialogue for both people to seriously evaluate their relationship. If one wants to marry and the other doesn’t, they really need to explore why.



  45.  #45Daria on April 25, 2011 at 8:55 am

    :). Thanks Lurker



  46.  #46The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Only my honest opinion, Daria. 😛 Here, take that tongue and put it to good use!
    Hehe…



  47.  #47Daria on April 25, 2011 at 9:09 am

    Lol! *blush*



  48.  #48Mercedes on April 25, 2011 at 9:12 am

    “Other men might stick around, but they’re likely to be men who are a) blinded by lust and willing to put up with an unreasonable compromise (“I commit; you date around until we’re married), or b) guys who are so WEAK that they are not likely to command respect from the women who insist on CDing in front of them.”

    ….. circular dating. For J and I, it is what gave him the push to realize he might just lose me. Because if he isn’t ready and I am, then why again should I give up my timeline and he not give up his? We hear “ladies, guys have a different timeline than you do. You need to let go of your timelines.” when what I think we should be hearing instead is “men, ladies have different timelines than you do. You need to learn how to let go of your timelines if you don’t want to lose her to someone who can.”

    Rather than be taken for granted for several years, I found a man who appreciated that there is competition out there…who wasn’t intimidated or afraid of that competition and who vowed to win the prize. He was confident enough to know that no matter who I went to dinner with, ultimately, I was going to end up in his arms.

    Yes, I was a challenge for him to win, but ummm…isn’t that what guys like? Don’t they like a little competition so they feel good about winning? Or would they really rather have a woman who is all about them and willing to sit around and wait (maybe cook dinner while she waits or throw his laundry in the wash so he can see what a good little wife she’ll be) while he makes up his mind? Is that what “most” guys really want? EWWWWWWW!!!! Thanks, but I’ll be on a date while you figure it out. See ya if you get here in time! 🙂

    Hmmm…not sure about “most” of men, but I can tell you what kind of man J is (not exactly Evan’s description above but I’ll try): He was able to rise to the challenge and convince my heart that it was time for my options to no longer remain open. He didn’t ask me to to wait 3 years for him to decide whether or not that’s what he wanted to do. He is fearless of other men, not intimidated and confident (very sexy traits by the way) and WOW…he knows how to convince a girl to choose him over other circular dates. 🙂

    I love having a man who was willing to “fight” for me and rise to a challenge and “win” me from all other men on this earth. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it.

    And he loves having a woman who has self esteem high enough not to wait 3 years for his decision.

    Thank you “Universe” for giving me the perfect man because one who wanted me to wait until he was ready to grow up would have lost me. One who loved ME and wanted ME…right now…regardless of my age or impending biological clock issues (which seems to be what determines whether we ladies wait 1, 2 or 3 years for a man to make up his mind) and regardless of other men who happen to be in my life at the time.

    Those guys were minor inconveniences to J and he wasted no time in showing me why they weren’t necessary for me either. I didn’t just give exclusivity to him. He earned it.

    Luckiest girl EVER!! My guy grew up FAST when there was competition in the house. Really happy about that because I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have waited years for him to do so. 🙂 And because I am totally attracted to the kind of confidence it takes to win the girl when she’s seeing other guys.

    HOT!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  49.  #49Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Lurker~

    I have no idea where that reference from #35 came from. Maybe I was wishing I was 3 again. 😉

    Just disregard it.

    ~Lil



  50.  #50The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 9:19 am

    #40 “the thinking is that she shouldn’t bail on a “good guy” just because he’s not operating on HER timetable.”

    yup, that’s a reasonable summary, Lily. That’s how in udnerstand this, too. And, ok, this may be too onesidedly in favor ofd the guy. But on the other hand, what’s it good for to operate on a much shorter timetable, when guys simply don’t tick that way? It’s like saying you only want to date guys who are more than 7 feet tall. You seriously reduce the pool of candidates, because in reality, there aren’t so many of those guys. You seem to want a kind of instant relationship, a recipe for a great guy asking you to marry him within six months.

    But there is no such recipe in reality. With a ,ot of luck, it may work out that way, but there’s no guarantee. And it may be you kick Mr. Right out of your life just because he couldn’t adjust to the thought of marriage “until death do us part” in half a year. There simply is no golden rule. You have to apply your own intuition and judgment to decide if a guy is worth giving him more time!



  51.  #51Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 9:21 am

    *35*

    hee hee, what a dorklet.



  52.  #52Simply Shannon on April 25, 2011 at 9:22 am

    Hehe. I agree with Daria. I feel amused. And also incredibly flattered and loved and desired. It would feel GREAT to have a guy pursuing me this hardcore. (I don’t want you dating anyone else, I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else, etc.) He sees it just like a man would see it. I don’t even want to change his mind. I like this part of him!

    Gosh, if I stand in the stream of that love, I can really feel it. Wow. Big smiles. I can see his face. Not E.’s face of course (hehe!) but him, the one. He would say the same stuff too. And he’s saying it because he loves me. Awww… thank you honey!

    And yet *I* still get to decide. If I feel safe with this man, then maybe that will mean yes to exclusivity. Or not…

    Regardless, I get to decide. Her rules, his rules, their rules… **I** still decide. ME.

    I never really believed / understood that until just this past year. All my other relationships, I believed that the decision was made for me, ala “he picked me, he picked me”. My girl felt so grateful for the attention that she forgot to make an informed decision.

    Or maybe she did, and I’m just making up a story to make myself feel better. 😉



  53.  #53Ella on April 25, 2011 at 9:26 am

    Lurker re 1107 on the previous thread,

    That is fine. Apology accepted.

    I actually like working through differences of opinion on here because it is good practice for me for when I deal with the same in the real world!

    So thanks for the practice! 😉

    And also for the lovely compliments that my Mr Right will show up soon. That made me feel really warm and melty! 🙂

    I feel excited and positive.

    Yay.



  54.  #54Mercedes on April 25, 2011 at 9:27 am

    Lurker: “But on the other hand, what’s it good for to operate on a much shorter timetable, when guys simply don’t tick that way?”

    That’s why you date lots of them. Because the one who steps up is the one closer to being where you are in the timeline. That way, nobody has to change. If I want to get married soon, then I need to date a man who wants to get married soon. The guys who aren’t that far along can date other women (who also aren’t that far along) and nobody has to compromise. The only thing is though….a girl’s gotta circular date until she finds that one who is on board with what she’s feeling. If he feels it for her, his own timeline might just change. Especially if he knows she’s the one and he might lose her to a man who is more ready (I call it “grown up”) than he is.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  55.  #55Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 9:29 am

    #44
    “There simply is no golden rule. You have to apply your own intuition and judgment to decide if a guy is worth giving him more time!” I agree with this.

    And if you read what Rori wrote in the top article :”but most women I know and work with (and I’m one of those women) – can’t really handle a relationship that’s in “limbo” – especially if they want children and are already in their 30′s.

    There are attentive men out there who are good boyfriends but still quite difficult, and are actually hiding that they’re non-commit-able or still in love with their ex or have a thing for another woman in town – because they don’t really know it themselves.”

    Do you ‘get’ that?

    And Lurker, for the record *I* am not looking for an “instant relationship” and a great guy asking to marry me in six months. This is a false assumption on your part.



  56.  #56Mercedes on April 25, 2011 at 9:30 am

    Does anyone know how long a comment stays in moderation if you didn’t say anything bad about the guest poster here? I used his name, but was only honest and not mean. I like my comment though and would like to see how some of you feel about it.

    I’m impatient! LOL



  57.  #57Laughing Goddess on April 25, 2011 at 9:31 am

    Lurker: I’m feeling a little sad that you didn’t answer my questions on the previous posts. What gives?



  58.  #58Daria on April 25, 2011 at 9:31 am

    With cd and no exclusivity, and what Rori teaches is that commitment does happen in about 6 months.

    No worries about ‘kicking mr right’ out… There will be other mr rights… Or he’ll be back. Men are like water, I dont have to hold on to them for fear of losing ‘the one’

    Rori doesn’t believe in soulmates… And I don’t either. Just relationships.



  59.  #59Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 9:32 am

    46: SB~ YAY! Have you been in my head??

    Isn’t that the whole premise behind all of these “guidelines” from ALL coaches. There is so much value in all of them, so much to read, so much to learn and so much to implement, IF I chose to.

    *I* get to decide, Me, myself and I, on how to apply and when to apply the guidelines. As in, what works for ME and how do I feel about myself at any given time and how do I best apply what I have learned to what is going on in my life, right now.

    There is no right or wrong answer, in my opinion, only what works for me and helps me to feel better. It feels great to be open to all suggestions.

    And today, I feel like a freaking Rock Star.



  60.  #60Daria on April 25, 2011 at 9:34 am

    I Am looking for a great guy to ask me to marry him in six months. I think that 3-6 months is what it takes.

    I know my guys are weeding themselves out and ‘fretting’ themselves if they can provide what I want, as soon as I bring it up. Maybe 2 weeks.



  61.  #61Rori Raye on April 25, 2011 at 9:35 am

    All – so sorry – I wanted to be careful not to be rude about Evan, and so any comments from anyone new or old using his name in any form went to moderation first – and I wasn’t fast enough to retrieve them quickly. Thank you SO much for your loveliness! I’ll stay on it today – and – end the filter if I can…Love, Rori



  62.  #62Simply Shannon on April 25, 2011 at 9:36 am

    I just finished reading The List, and it’s been eye opening experience on many levels. When it talks about how the man will take up all of my time and pursue and call and… and… and…

    I felt myself back up. Like literally. My brain said “whoa doggy. You’re moving too fast.”

    It’s always been ME holding back or pushing away. I’m seeing that crystal clear.

    I actually like my life like it is right now. I think a part of me wants to believe a man would make my life better. But maybe I really am okay alone. Wrong word… not alone, but without a male relationship. Even that isn’t right. I have male relationships, just not this primary love relationship. So I don’t know what’s the word for that. I just feel okay.

    I NEVER imagined I would actually get to this place. Never eva. Okay alone? I used to call bullshit about that. Reading The List really illuminated the places where I have inner resistance to a relationship. Just the description of a “good” relationship made me freak out. LOL!

    Giggles. I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

    And then my Bryon Katie stuff kicks in and says “I’m willing to have a male romantic relationship because I do want to learn about myself.”

    I’m willing. I’m scared, excited, unsure, hesitant, but willing.

    Has anyone really sat down and written what life looks like with your man? And I mean really thought about the day to day?

    He contacts me every day.
    He wants my time every day.
    He wants sex every day.
    He’s around all the time.

    I can read that entire list as both negative and positive. Ha!

    My arms feel tingly. My chest feels warm.



  63.  #63Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Lurker Dude…Wow!

    “Just be aware that this may mean that the guy is putting you on too high a pedestal, with the risk that your totally natural human flaws may result in an ugly wake up for him. So, you may want to know if he uses this as a compliment, or maybe teasingly, or if he’s rather in love with his imagination of you than your real self.”

    Very interesting to me (in a good way) that a man gets that men do this.

    This very “pedestal” scenario is what brought me to Rori in the first place. DangerousDavis was convinced before he even met me (we connected on Match) that I was THE ONE. He told his parents he’d “met her.” He went on and on and on about how incredible I was. I had nowhere to go but down off that pedestal the second I was just…Boomer…with my four kids and my crazy job and my sarcastic take on things and my occasional body image issues.

    I saw Davis online yesterday for the first time in four months, and I took a chance said hi on chat. (I have very much avoided him and finally feel comfortable just saying hi with no angst, so I feel fine with initiating the hello). He asked what I thought had happened to us–because he could not pinpoint it, but I chose not to engage. I just said, “I guess we weren’t for each other.” And he said, “I suppose not.” But I am very wary of the pedestal phenomenon, what C.C. (yet ANOTHER coach–will I get moderated???) calls “instant relationship” after my experience with Davis.

    It just was a nice surprise that a dude gets that men can do this and that it’s hurtful. Not that women don’t do this (boy, DO we!)–but it just seems weird when a man gets all gooey over a woman so soon. It feels soooooo good to have someone think you put the sun in the sky, but it’s false if it’s too soon. And I am aware of the potential heartache now.

    Lurker, how did you know that men do this? Have you done it? Is it common knowledge among men that they can be bitterly disappointed when a woman does not live up to the fantasy? Do they get that it’s a mistake of their own making? or do they really just cling to the fantasy of meeting and bedding Miss America with PhD?

    I kid about that last part (I tease my brothers about this all the time–they think they deserve the perfect woman)…but really–are you aware that you do this? How common is it?



  64.  #64The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

    #60 LG, what questions? Must have overlooked, or forgetten about them. I was away for rl dates yesterday. Will search for them now.



  65.  #65Laughing Goddess on April 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Wow! Hard to follow the post references with the numbers changing as posts go in and out of moderation.

    I feel confused.

    Perhaps I will make some tea and come back after things have settled down a bit. 🙂



  66.  #66Simply Shannon on April 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

    Daria, The List says 30 days til a guy makes his intentions clear.

    And I like what you said about relationships and not soulmates. When I was at my ex’s wedding, I started thinking when I get married again I’d like to say (instead of ’til death do us part’) that I’d say “I’ll love you till I don’t” or something like that. I haven’t found the right words but I know the feeling I want. Something that my brain will actually believe. 🙂



  67.  #67Ella on April 25, 2011 at 9:40 am

    @ Lurker

    “You girls only see the sunny side up here. Not the still handsome, but also chaotic and confused other half, that needs some hard work before being of any use in a relationship.”

    Aww, but we love those parts of you!

    Well speaking for myself I prefer men not to be too perfect anyway. Too perfect makes me feel uncomfortable and doesn’t feel authentic.

    A little bit of chaos and confusion feels interesting/exciting to me, as long as it is not all the time and is not too much drama.

    Me likey!

    🙂



  68.  #68Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 9:40 am

    #61 Daria,

    Clap! Clap! Clap! 🙂



  69.  #69Laughing Goddess on April 25, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Thanks Lurker! Thanks Rori!



  70.  #70Daria on April 25, 2011 at 9:47 am

    Shannon – yeah u called bs on me feeling good single… And I felt all confused… Lol

    Like huh? But it IS fun! Lol



  71.  #71Ella on April 25, 2011 at 9:47 am

    I have a feeling, and there is no logic to it, that a guy will know within 6 months if he wants to marry me.

    Just my feeling!



  72.  #72Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 9:47 am

    I think that what Lurker said about PG – not the typical girl next door and therefore smaller pool of compatible men – is true of many of us here (in a variety of ways) – and is part of the “problem.”



  73.  #73Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:47 am

    51 and 57: Mercedes

    Here here, sister woman.

    I love they way you say it.



  74.  #74Daria on April 25, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Shannon I want a life long relationship so till death do u’s part feels good to me.



  75.  #75Daria on April 25, 2011 at 9:50 am

    Thanks lily



  76.  #76Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

    66 Shannon:

    “I’ll love you till I don’t”

    Hahaha! I love this. I am going to use this.

    Not that I ever see getting married…AGAIN.



  77.  #77Ella on April 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

    I would like to be asked to be married within 6 months please!

    🙂



  78.  #78Ella on April 25, 2011 at 9:53 am

    I think we have an unending pool of men available to us… if we want it!

    😉



  79.  #79Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

    78, Ella, I agree witht he never-ending pool theory. I’ve dated every available man in my metro area in the last four years. Heehee. Now, for some reason, The Universe is sending me awesome men from surrounding cities (2 hour radius) who realllllly seem willing to make the drive and give it a try. It’s interesting.

    Never-ending pool, indeed.



  80.  #80Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

    63 Boomer. That’s kinda what happened with WH. Before we met he said, “I have imagined you – you don’t want a steak, you want an adventure.” (which was true :)) and also “I have imagined a date with you and I like the date.” I immediately felt concerned about living up to his imaginings!



  81.  #81The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 9:59 am

    Hehehe, LG, your comment #979 on the other thread!
    😀
    Yeah, those are circumstances where my online girlfriend often thinks of me, too! Lol.
    Hmm, didn’t you talk later about synchronicity? See!

    Well, thx for the compliments! But firstly, I’m a guy who is honest about himself, I hate bragging. That’s just how I are. And secondly, I’m really not a good choice for a relationship right now, so you ladies shouldn’t waste any thoughts about me, pls. And fyi, it’s useless to google me, I didn’t use that pseudonym before. Ok?

    Also, I’m still foolishly in love with another girl I know only virtually, as my next comment will show.



  82.  #82Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 10:00 am

    62 Shannon. That list sounds Very good to me – with the right man. I was thinking just last night that I really do want sex every day.



  83.  #83Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 10:02 am

    59:

    Should have been to SS not SB~

    Sorry, was totally trying to multi-task at work. Epic failure.

    😉

    ~Lil



  84.  #84LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:03 am

    I agree with Mercedes, it’s not about who gets their timeline followed, it’s about meeting people with similar timelines. If you already have the 3 C’s-compatibility, communication and chemistry and the timing its way off, it’s a source of frustration and friction for both people and might even possibly cause the relationship to fail. But if you have all 3 AND are on the same page timeline wise, that’s when it feels like the starts and planets have aligned and everything just feels easy, natural and right….



  85.  #85Mercedes on April 25, 2011 at 10:05 am

    Unfortunately how I feel about the words I quoted were edited out. Not fair, but that’s how it works today I guess. I wasn’t even being mean…just told how they came across to me. If something comes across in a less than perfect way to me, I have to either hold it in or have it edited out. Unfortunately, negative feelings are not welcome here this morning.

    I think I better take the day off. I sent quite a rant into moderation (on purpose) and I’m done now. Enjoy the day ladies.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  86.  #86Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 10:06 am

    #84

    I agree with that LD. It has also been my experience in life thus far as well.



  87.  #87Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 10:09 am

    #85

    Sorry Mercedes. This is how that “other blog” always operates. One doesn’t have to wonder why.



  88.  #88Simply Shannon on April 25, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Hehe. Daria, now I feel embarrassed. Blush. It’s still triggering me to hear you say it. 😀

    In my brain saying “I’ll love you til I don’t” still means forever (til death). It just takes out the “I have to decide right now how I’ll feel in 50 years”… I dunno. In my brain it makes sense.

    Oh and I started skin brushing.

    And I’ve been practicing skipping posts too.

    Some of what you’re doing is starting to sink in! 😉 Thank you for your influence and presence in my life!



  89.  #89Mercedes on April 25, 2011 at 10:12 am

    But we’re not talking about the other blog. We’re talking about this one…where how we feel about things has always been encouraged. Where being triggered was a good thing. Where sharing what was going on with us was a necessary part of our journeys.

    Now…at least for this particular post, that’s all wrong.

    Okay…now I’m out.

    Take care everyone

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  90.  #90LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:15 am

    I suddenly feel nervous. After spending the entire weekend with me and meeting both my parents and my kids, today one of my girlfriends, my sister and my mom have all bombarded D with fb requests at the same time. I am all about the recharge time after the weekend for both of us, but I feel afraid that my family and friends will overwhelm him and scare him off. I know it’s just my NVs trying to stir up trouble like they always do, so I’m trying to figure out how to make them shut up!



  91.  #91Daria on April 25, 2011 at 10:17 am

    Lucy I feel fearful reading that belief of needing a ‘special kind’ of man. That belief kept me stuck before I changed it.

    I believe I am unique. I believe human beings are unique.

    I believe I can have relationship with men who are not me, and many men.

    I used Roris techniques of dating guys i didnt find attractive and practicing telling the truth, and using my masculine energy on myself.

    Then I grew. I was able to find More men attractive (than the tiny pool of what I found attractive based on past experience). It happened gradually, over many mAny men.
    I have the illogical fear that finding a mam attractive that I didn’t previously will cause me to wind up choosing a man who is icky (to my old self). That doesn’t make sense as what’s important is he’s attractive to my new self.

    It’s been helpful very helpful to me to date the 90% of my dates that I did not find attractive.

    Because now all men are drawn to me. Even Lurker. :).

    Even ones I Do find attractive and did in the past. And I still got triggered with those and made mistakes, and let them go. And more came and more and more are coming.

    A big part of the practice is Shifting My Attraction. So that I’m Not just attracted to a small pool of men w certain quirks.

    Roris ideas that there’s not one soulmate to hold onto or lose, but rather that a feminine woman can have a Fulfilling relationship with Any masculine healthy male that cones around her… Helped.

    And that a man does not necessarily need to absorb me.

    I can absorb myself. This was Challenging. I was previously only Into, guys I could be Into. Guys I found interesting. Where my energy flowed into Them. I was drawn.

    I’m just now coming out of this.

    Just now finding how to soothe my own loneliness.

    Because I felt bored with Me. And so I knew that if I didn’t have a partner to ne into, I’d be bored… As I already was.

    and what that was about was… Not feeling fulfilled in myself, in my life and what people might call purpose.

    Not living in my dreams.

    Writing this I’m realizing that ManCD, who I was attracted to, was Not a guy I was ‘into.’. Rather I was into myself, and my dreams, and he affirmed me. And that felt good.

    He was even going to come to brazil with me. And in the past I thought this wouldn’t work for a man with children. So I said, ok and what about your daughter.., she could come live here half the year, or a season like the summer. He’s like, yes. As in really, he meant that, he was really planning on how this would work. And he thought he won’t Be able to provide for the family I want right away.

    This was big for me as I never talked to a man with kids about actually going with me, and I felt So Surprised that this was going to work in his mind.

    And I felt attracted to him. But not ‘into’ him. Not needing him to fulfill my life do I wouldn’t feel bored.

    That’s on me. And I Can do it. The bus trip to the end of the line that I took as my inner child date – proved it to me.

    So now I cam allow a man to be around me, love me…,

    But not fulfill me. Because that’s for me to do. And if he does it for me, I’ll grow out of it, eventually.



  92.  #92The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 10:19 am

    #63 Well, Boomer, I’m Dangerous Davis’ twin! Virtually. Call me Dangerous, uh, Lurker.

    Yeah, I feel in love with a girl I met online, too. And I got carried away in the same degree. For me, it was partly roleplaying, replacing too much of the missing informations with my imagination, as well as honest admmiration for her personality. And it wasn’t as simply as putting her on a podestal, as a flawless statue. But I was aware of her flaws, too, she was very honest about them, and even those shortcommings appealed to me because I saw that I could compensate them. So, it really looked like a great, if not perfect match to me, a balanced mixture of similarities and differences in our characters.

    And for some time, it looked like she was seeing that, too. But then she started to cool down noticeably. I guess it may have been that it was the same as with your online friendship, that I got carried away too much. I don’t know, because she never gave me a good explanation.

    Just like you didn’t give a good explanation to Davis, Boomer. Really, why do you girls act that way? Do you have any idea how much more heartbreak hurts when you have no clue what triggered your girl to run away? Is there any good reason not to provide an honest explanation, really? Sry, Boomer but you triggered me very much with your story. Not to say, you poked into an unhealed wound.

    Ok, dunno how your Dangerous guy feels now, but I have cooled a bit down since then. Even though it still hurts a bit. Of course, I know that in real life, it may never have really worked out, the chemistry could have been wrong, or other stuff may have made this look differently. But I still wonder what could have been. And I felt like maybe getting another chance when she contacted me recently again, too. It would really be a very small chance, since there are other real life hurdles standing between us. But, damn, I want that chance! If only to screw up again. What would life be like without taking risks sometimes?



  93.  #93Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 10:20 am

    81 Lurker. The girl you are in love with might be here among us you know… with a pseudonym …



  94.  #94Daria on April 25, 2011 at 10:21 am

    There are no negative feelings.

    There is violent communication, such as blame, judgements and attacks.



  95.  #95LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:23 am

    yes, Lurker, we DO have an idea how much more heartbreak hurts when we have no clue what triggered someone we were dating to run away. We call those men “poofers” here and this blog is full of stories of men who “poofed” on many of us…



  96.  #96Daria on April 25, 2011 at 10:24 am

    I love you Shannon. Thank you for being here and validating and supporting me – sonetimes ive felt you carried me and my dreams when I puddled. Like Jesus!



  97.  #97The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 10:24 am

    #91″Because now all men are drawn to me. Even Lurker. :)”

    Hehehe! Yeah, right. But, to be honest, it’s only about sex. And you want more than that, Daria! So, no good match. Make an educated choice among those other guys!
    😀



  98.  #98The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 10:30 am

    #93 “The girl you are in love with might be here among us you know”
    Lucy, that idea came up in my mind, too. However, the chances for this to happen are very low.
    But if it would happen that would be a sign! I’m as superstitious as LG or PG when it comes to synchronicity and sweird coincidences. I suspect it’s the hand of the great movie director in heaven showing in this!
    😀



  99.  #99Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 10:32 am

    “Do you have any idea how much more heartbreak hurts when you have no clue what triggered your girl to run away?”

    Guilty. I vow to never do that again. I know all too well how much it hurts from playing hide and go seek off and on for five years… (poof and re-appear, I call it hide and go seek only now, I don’t “seek” any more.)

    Ouch.

    ~Lil



  100.  #100Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Mercedes 48 (or your post which ends with “HOT”). Amen! I feel inspired and encouraged and joyful reading that. 🙂 Thank you. <3



  101.  #101Daria on April 25, 2011 at 10:43 am

    I love you Shannon. Thank you for being here and validating and supporting me – sonetimes ive felt you carried me and my dreams when I puddled. Like Jes*us!



  102.  #102Scarlet on April 25, 2011 at 10:43 am

    “the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment, and just as importantly, NOT openly date other guys.”

    “If he’s not your boyfriend in 2-3 months MAX, you’re OUT the door.”

    I feel curious as to how a conversation would go between a woman and a man who hasn’t committed to being your boyfriend within the first 2 months of dating. Evan says that we’re supposed to play it cool, not put any pressure on a man, etc. But then we’re supposed to just walk away after two months if we don’t get what we want? Well how is a man supposed to know what we want if we can’t talk about it (i.e. not putting any pressure on him). Wouldn’t it seem odd if we just said to him “Well you haven’t asked me to be your girlfriend, so I’m out”? Maybe I’m misunderstanding, but I feel really interested to know how to handle this kind of situation.

    Also, the way that I understand Circular Dating is not the way that EMK describes it (“I commit; you date around until we’re married”). To me it goes both ways. If I can date around, so can the guy. I don’t ask and I don’t care. The men I date know that I am open to commitment if they are. Even the “girlfriend” type commitment. But I make sure that they know that I don’t want to be the “for now” girlfriend and that I want a life long commitment at some point. If things are going well and I see great potential and we have similar values around marriage and kids, then why not give a good guy a chance as Rori puts it.

    But it’s that process in the beginning of choosing the good guy where most of the CDing happens. In my experience it takes a while to get to know someone and to see different sides of them. Why should I date just one guy and close down my options when I don’t feel like I know him all that well yet. I may not know right away what he is looking for and I might decide after a couple of months that I don’t really like him all that much anyway. And in the meantime he may be dating other women as well without my knowledge, and that’s ok, but I reserve the right to do the same. I don’t want to pass on the opportunity of dating a guy who is good for me just because I happened to meet this other guy a few days earlier and am now not allowed to date other men. It seems to me that all this advice only benefits the men and not myself, therefore I respectfully decline to not CD.



  103.  #103Daria on April 25, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Lol! 🙂



  104.  #104Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 10:46 am

    Daria 91. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I don’t feel fearful about that belief myself – I feel good about it. I don’t have the experience you described of feeling lonely, unfulfilled, bored with my life, etc. That’s part of why I am willing to wait for a man who suits me better than the men I have dated thus far (and I also have dated many men I wasn’t attracted to). I would rather stay single than marry a man I don’t feel mutual admiration and adoration with. YMMV. 🙂



  105.  #105Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 10:53 am

    99 Lurker. There is an interesting and attractive man I’ve recently connected with online and I am not talking about him on here very much bc I have reason to believe he might be a lurker2. Hehe.



  106.  #106Prairie Girl on April 25, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Okay… I have to share my silly online horoscope I get delivered to my mailbox every morning… it’s usually so weird and the good ones don’t happen but this cracked me up… kinda gave me tingles too….

    “You could content yourself with saying that it isn’t the moment yet, T. You will know what we are talking about. You are in the situation of a woman who has just ordered a new car, a rare, imported model that won’t be ready for four months. While you are waiting you are going to have to keep busy. Why not brush up on your driving skills? Or better yet, take a “crash” course on car racing.”

    hmmm… lmao… yeah, I’ve been taking the “crash” course… dang.. thank goodness for seat belts…

    PG



  107.  #107Daria on April 25, 2011 at 10:53 am

    Lucy – I feel bad reading your post. It feels sad.

    I usually feel unheard communicating with you.

    I feel frustrated.

    I feel angry at you and sad.



  108.  #108Scarlet on April 25, 2011 at 10:54 am

    #9 Lurker: “That’s why Rori should put a stronger emphasis on the point that sex with multiple partners is optional and should only be considered if the woman is really comfortable with that and if it’s not incompatible with her preferred “Mr. Right” type of guy.”

    She actually does put a strong emphasis on this. I have several of her products that point this out. The main reason being safety, from my understanding. Also she advocates full honesty and says to be prepared for a man to walk away once you tell him that you have slept with someone else after having slept with him.



  109.  #109Prairie Girl on April 25, 2011 at 10:54 am

    #99 Lurker..

    oooh I like this..
    “I suspect it’s the hand of the great movie director in heaven showing in this!”
    PG



  110.  #110Prairie Girl on April 25, 2011 at 10:58 am

    Brenda this is from the last thread… I answered there before I knew there was a new post….
    1058: Brenda says:

    Prairie Girl,

    RE: #1033 – “It makes my heart feel bad to live the online/phone only contact… so basically these boring guys I’m “practicing” on are NOT REAL.. they are only phone/text…”

    I’m having the same experience. I think more and more that these men are hiding behind the screen. Maybe they lack people skills? Or courage? I am so frustrated by the number of men I’ve “met” online that I never MET!!!
    —————————————
    Brenda sometimes it makes me feel better to think/believe that the Universe or God is protecting me from unwanted energies by not letting me meet them… I like what Daria has said to me in the past about raising my energy so that I am not so caught up in theirs.. but I’m not always vibrating high enough for that… I would be effected by them in ways I just don’t need to be..

    That’s why I’ve made my request of God that I have…that they’re not allowed to come if they are not beneficial.. or if they are going to have a negative effect… then I can kinda laugh about the situations that keep them from coming…

    One guys books bands for a 2nd job and his bass player got arrested and he had to go to Arkansas the pm before our date…

    One had to go move his brother who suddenly got a divorce..That was lawmancowboy and it broke my heart he didn’t come.. but that was after I told him not to if he felt a check in his spirit from God… that was my first gut reaction, but my cousin talked me out of it saying that we had such a connection that I should at least explore it…so he said he’d come then had to go move his bro…

    The one that still calls, Iowa, wanted to come this past weekend and I said he could only if my kids went to see their dad.. and they didn’t.. so…

    One I told no.. he was just not right… 13 yrs older, lived on a big ranch 13 hours away from me in the opposite direction of my kids dad.. I’m not moving them farther away from their dad if I can help it.. and he bored me…and had another big strike…

    That doesn’t make it feel better all the time though…

    Hugs to you… I’m with ya on trying to learn to trust the process of growth…

    Play/practice on the ones “in the box” if and when it feels good I say… and if you have something better to do then do it instead… They will show up in real life… eventually… lol… I just try and take it as a good thing that they don’t all show up…

    Angels on your body.
    PG



  111.  #111Daria on April 25, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Dropping you’s

    Lucy – i feel dissapointed to read that. I feel frustrated and sad. I feel helpless.

    Hmmm … This is a trigger about my mom when she was feeling depressed not sharing her feelings with me.

    I feel shut out! It hurts to see you torturing yourself this way!

    Ugh.

    Feeling like… Cut it off and run away.

    Pain in my cheek and tummy. Tension.

    Anger.

    Fear…

    It feels bad to read that. You have every right to do what you want but I feel bad to see you in pain.

    Feeling afraid.

    Feeling sad.



  112.  #112Scarlet on April 25, 2011 at 11:01 am

    #11 LD

    It makes me feel so happy and hopeful reading your story. This is exactly what I am trying to achieve by CDing and it feels wonderful knowing that it works. I wish you all the best.



  113.  #113Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Daria, I feel sad that you feel bad reading my post. 🙁 I feel confused about why it felt bad to you. I feel okay with us having different feelings and needs and wants about relationships. I feel puzzled bc I *think* it *seems* that you want me to think/feel/want the same things you do in relationship. I totally hear and accept what you think/feel/want. 🙁



  114.  #114Daria on April 25, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Now I feel a bit bad reading what lurker wrote to me.

    I have a trigger about me getting ‘big headed’ about the attention from men. I feel afraid this will push them away.

    It feels exciting and fun to get lots of attention



  115.  #115Daria on April 25, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Still feeling quiet and tense around the trigger with my mom.

    I love my quietness and tenseness.

    I feel left out! I feel lonely and rejected. I love my loneliness and rejectedmrss.

    That feels like, a lil pressure on my right side of my head.., I love the pressure on the right side of my head.

    And that feels like… Smiling… I love my smile… And that feels like… Big breath… I love my big breath… 🙂



  116.  #116Simply Shannon on April 25, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Oh wow Daria. Double post love! 😉 Thank you for being you. I love you my beautiful friend!



  117.  #117Daria on April 25, 2011 at 11:11 am

    It also seems that when I get ‘big headed’ it can be a ‘competition’ thing and i don’t want to compete with my man.., puts me in masculine energy.

    Hmm.



  118.  #118Scarlet on April 25, 2011 at 11:13 am

    LD, I have a few questions for you. You said that by not having sex you weeded out the men who were only after you for sex even if they promised more. So, if they promised more what made you believe they were only after you for sex? What did they promise that made you believe they were insincere? Did any of them ask you for exclusivity?

    Also, what made you choose to be exclusive with D within the first month without the fear that he was only after you for sex?

    I don’t mean any of these questions as a judgement or criticism. I am curious because I face similar situations and really want to learn how to handle them and to be able to tell if the guy is only after me for sex even though he’s promising me all these wonderful things.

    I really hope you respond and thank you in advance.



  119.  #119The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 11:13 am

    #106 Lucy Who knows? However, “Lucy” doesn’t trigger much in my mind. Even though I have an online girlfriend who likes to tease me. Would be SO like her to take my football away!
    😀

    #109 Scarlet, thx for that info! Well, I haven’t bought anything from Rori yet. After all, I’m a guy…

    110 PG
    🙂



  120.  #120Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:15 am

    I feel annoyed and kinda angry reading judgments here. 🙁



  121.  #121Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 11:21 am

    92 Lurker. I was not clear, I suppose. And he and I did meet and date for about five weeks and had incredible, smoking hot, intense, cosmic chemistry. Other folks here know that DangerousDavis was borderline DANGEROUS. He was just this side of toxic. And I was addicted to him in a short time (lots of future talk, lots of “I wanna take care of you” talk).

    But HE’s the one who “poofed” on me. I did not disappear on him. He’s the one who helped me learn that “You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man.” He was not the right man. When I told him that I was feeling overwhelmed by the speed and intensity of our budding relationship, he said he really felt un-pressured and appreciated my stance. But then he never called again. I wroe countless emails, ran them past thesirens here, and got soundly scolded here (lol-Femininewoman/ Power???) for even wanting to send them. So I did not send them. I did not call him. And he never called me or contacted me again.

    Seeing him online last night–my heart caught in my throat–I still think about him occasionally. And it has been hard to get over him. The CDing really facilitated that though. I bet I’ve met 30 men in that time. So, saying hi to him last night was a step–because I finally do feel like I am not tied to an outcome with him (wanting him to want me again was the outcome I would have been seeking had I said hi before now). And notice that he has not said hi to me in four months. So, no, I did not poof on him. No need to feel triggered, Lurk, if I am understanding you correctly. He broke my heart–and brought me to this blog. I was just saying that I did not feel the need to examine the break-up with him last night when he asked, “So what happened with us?” Was I supposed to say, “Umm, jerk, you never called me!”?? . No sense in it. SO I just said, “We were not a match, I guess.”

    Anyhoo, I’m sorry OnlineWoman broke your heart. it sucks. It feels real sometimes even when it’s not, doesn’t it? In my case, it was real and hot and intense…but not healthy. And I’m just now over it.

    Thanks for your insight into the pedestal placing.



  122.  #122Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 11:21 am

    PG: Love ya! Miss ya!

    Mwah!

    Boomie



  123.  #123Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 11:23 am

    #98

    Thanks for sharing your story Turquoise :). It illustrates well how “just the concept” of cd’ing after being exclusive gets both parties examining what they really want for their future.

    I’m single now, but I too wish I’d found Rori when I was in my troubled relationships. Ofcourse now I hope I will have better skills to avoid getting into troubled relationships in the first place. 😉



  124.  #124Prairie Girl on April 25, 2011 at 11:23 am

    #123 Boomer
    LOVE AND MISS YOU TOOO!!!!!!!!!
    Hugs & kisses & angels on your body!!!!….
    PG



  125.  #125The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 11:25 am

    #115 “I have a trigger about me getting ‘big headed’ about the attention from men.”
    Hey, you’re a good looking young girl, probably with a sexy body, too. Only natural that you get lots of attention. And why not be proud about his? It’s ok, imho.

    However, that doesn’t make it easier to find the right guy(s) among those who want to date you. Those who not only want sex, but the whole package! Imho that’s what you should focus on, not on blaming yourself.



  126.  #126Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 11:25 am

    98: turquoise3

    Camile, your story really touched me. I see growth in you here already. Not like you need ME to tell you that–you know it.

    But you are a cool chick.



  127.  #127Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

    I feel amazed sometimes when the most innocuous statements end up triggering people. I feel grudgingly accepting that that is the nature of triggers. I feel yucky when I am “the messenger” (MB term for the one who delivers the trigger). I feel comforted knowing that it’s not really about me. There is a part of me though that still feels the yucky-feeling “scapegoat pattern” of my family of origin which says “It IS about you.” That’s where My trigger is. I intend to heal this completely. Thank you.



  128.  #128LD on April 25, 2011 at 11:28 am

    Scarlet,

    I don’t know how to explain it, but it was more just listening to my gut instead of believing everything I was told automatically. Like in the case of RichGuy, one of my CDs who told me to quit my job and he’d support me. My gut said just to wait it out a little more and not have sex with him and sure enough, he poofed.

    I think the key is to do only what feels right to you, not let any man tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing or feeling. And when something feels wrong or bad to you, just dive into those feelings and figure out where they are coming from. The toxic men or the ones who are just looking for sex usually show their true colors eventually. You just have to wait them out…



  129.  #129The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 11:30 am

    #122 Boomer, I see that your story is very much different! And so not your fault. Sry for jumping to false conclusions. And, damn, I can really feel your pain. It would be much easier to get over this if there was an explanation. Without it, the questions come up in our minds every other day, right?



  130.  #130Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

    PG, fasten your seat belt, girl. Looks like you’re in for a bumpy ride!!!!

    I love that horoscope. It is SO fitting for you right now. Here’s a little thought–maybe you can just focus on “dating like a man” for awhile/

    I have a psychic friend (seriously, I believe she is–she used to be a VP of human resources and left that life to pursue her intuitive abilities). She told me once when I was lamenting the absence of a relationship that “The Powers” (God, the gods, The Universe, however you see that) said I need to not worry about that–this time was to be used for “f-ing everything that moves.” And I quote!!! It was hilarious and so right.

    That’s when I read “Be Honest, You’re Not that Into Him Either” and “Date Like a Man,” and I did just that: I dated like a man for several months. Four lovers simultaneously? Hahahaha! Yeah, I saw that challenge and raised if four or five men 😉 It was all safe, and I did not swap them back and forth, but I also just removed my guilty limitations and pursued interesting interactions and occasional pleasure as it felt right with no expected outcome. It helped my self-esteem and my balance tremendously. I may need to get back to that…hmmm…could be interesting…

    Maybe it will work for you?



  131.  #131Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Lurker, it Is nice when they give an explanation, but then you’re still left with “are they telling the truth? is that the Real reason?” etc. I have one like that who still haunts me. And even if it Is the real reason, it doesn’t actually help all that much.



  132.  #132Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 11:46 am

    130, Lurk: Yep, it took until about last week. It took four months and 30+ other men to get me over him. And even though I KNOW he is dangerous and bad for me…damn, son, were were SMOKING HOT together. I kind of figured it out–and am not surprised he poofed honestly–when about 3 weeks into dating, he said he see us being “FWB” if it all didn’t work out.

    A man does NOT say that to a woman he takes seriously as a relationship woman. He will not risk offending her–am I right? I was offended, but as this was “pre-Rori,” I did not know how to respond and I hoped he was kidding/just talking/just riffing. Like we say here on the blog, a man tells you very, very early where his head is…you just have to listen and see it.

    I’m sorry your online lady hurt you. I recommend going out and meeting real, live, soft, breathing women! Go Lurker, go!!



  133.  #133Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Where is SLV these days????



  134.  #134Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:51 am

    Yeah, I REALLY miss you, SLV! <3



  135.  #135Anna on April 25, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Hi everyone,

    I have a side question I was wondering if I could get your advice on. My bf and I went to his mother’s house for Easter last night (this is the first time since we broke up a year ago (we have been working to get back together ever since, but we still have been in label I guess broken up, but not really in action…anyways that is a different post) that we have done family things together on his side…he came with me to a family thing a few weeks back on my side. ) I would like to send his mother a small email to say thank you again for last night, but I don’t know if I should. Do you think it is too much? If you think I should, what should I say?

    Thanks in advance, I really appreciate any help with this. 🙂



  136.  #136The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 12:01 pm

    #133 Yes, Boomer, if you didn’t do anything to cool the relationship down, him coming up with that FWB idea was a real warning sign. So sad for you!
    And thx for the encouragement to go out more! Well, I’m already flirting in rl, and thx to the positive feedback from you ladies here, with increased self confidence nowadays. So, all is good!
    🙂



  137.  #137Prairie Girl on April 25, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    #131 Boomer
    LOL… Like a man huh? Interesting…I don’t know if that would help me right now though….the thing I feel most desiring of in my life at the moment is the experience of actual “relationship”…. I was married for 12 yrs and was alone…no communion/communication….everything I said was used against me at some point…. and sex was …well…an obligation to keep peace in the house…

    I want more than sex… more than a one nighter…or even a two nighter…I want a day to day…be part of my life & me part of his…
    I don’t want to “date”… I want to live..

    Wow…it’s interesting what I learn about myself writing here….

    I sometimes don’t know it til it comes out of me… My blog did that for a while but some of what is in me is so confuddled…up.. then down.. then up… then down… knowing.. then clueless…then knowing again…

    I love that I can be all of it here and in doing so get to know me….

    Thank you for bringing this up….I enjoyed the sex… but I want more…The sex while fun left a lot to be desired simply because I hadn’t spent enough time with them to have the “connection” I so desire…actually require.

    Hey… think I could have your friends number? lol… I might could use a good psychic I think…

    Love you!
    PG



  138.  #138Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 12:08 pm

    #136 Anna,
    It’s always appropriate to thank the hostess for a meal. Not sure why you think this is even an issue. As for what to say? Just thank her for a lovely meal and how much you enjoyed seeing her again. No need to mention anything about your relationship with her son.



  139.  #139Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    #132 Lucy,
    I totally agree. And I have a poofer who still haunts me years later too. I’ve learned that genuine “closure” only comes with time- when you just don’t care anymore.



  140.  #140Daria on April 25, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    I don’t believe in “just sex”. To me if a man wants to have sex with a woman, he’s feeling attracted to her.



  141.  #141Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Ooh! Jacqueline – I think I may be having a mirror experience that is helping me realize how you felt when you perceived me as trying to “corral” you. I’m realizing that’s how I often perceive Daria’s posts to me – “trying to corral me.” It feels bad. Hard to know how much is us being triggered and how much actually Is the other person trying to corral. I’m sorry for not realizing before how bad it felt to you, and if there was any part of me that Was trying to corral you, I’m sorry. <3 Lucy



  142.  #142Anna on April 25, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    #139: Honestly, I don’t know why I think it is either. LOL I think I am just going through a moment.

    THanks! 🙂



  143.  #143Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 12:30 pm

    141 Daria. I agree. And I feel puzzled about why I have never had the experience of a man “disappearing after sex.” (Don’t know if that’s related to what you said, but it made me think of it.)



  144.  #144Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    141. Daria

    “I don’t believe in “just sex”. To me if a man wants to have sex with a woman, he’s feeling attracted to her.”

    🙂
    Yah okay…but dating is very much about finding out “why” he is attracted to you (and you to him) and it could be predominantly about the pheromones, chemistry, in that case it would be “just sex”….not to say that deeper and more meaningful intimacy couldn’t develop….but it’s not always the case

    xxxooo



  145.  #145Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    Lily 140. Thanks – it feels good when someone agrees with me! 😀



  146.  #146Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I believe I am a victim of “The Pedestal Phenomenon”…too…lots of perfection projection and then when the flaws start peeking out, it turned into
    “you can’t handle the truth!” oh well…

    xxxooo



  147.  #147Tmizz on April 25, 2011 at 12:37 pm

    EMK says “but the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment.”

    But this is exactly what Circular Dating is about!

    It’s about keeping us “sane” so that we don’t do all those things that are killers for relationship – in his own opinion.

    I think Evan has a valid point, though, from a man’s perspective, about how it might feel to know the woman is dating other men. Because even if CDing *does* boost our confidence, I don’t know that a guy who is really interested in a woman always wants to know that she’s flirting or otherwise entertaining the idea of having a relationship with other guys.

    I think it might all depend on context. Sometimes this might inspire a man to compete. But other times it might make him “give up.”

    I personally have had a problem with communicating my CD status recently. It seems all good in theory. It makes a lot of sense to me. CDing may even be good in practice. But I’m starting to wonder – how much does the guy need to know? If I’m “keeping my options open” that may well empower me to make a better decision in choosing my partner. But does it really help to start out a potentially budding relationship by saying, “by the way, I’m dating other people.” In fact, I am wondering if it may even be worth mentioning because it could fall into the category of “stating the obvious.” If you have just had one date – or not even finished the first date – why would there be any assumption of exclusivity at all? As in, the assumption could be, that of course you (the woman) are going to date other people. That is what the man would do if it doesn’t “work out.” But even if it does, then he won’t. Even if he doesn’t have marriage on his mind at that first meeting, isn’t he still trying to see if it’s going to “work out”? Doesn’t he hope that he’s going to find “the One”? And if he’s not “the One” in that moment – if he’s part of a pool of other guys you are all dating in your mind, while you’re sitting there, having a conversation with him – I can see how that would make him feel “un-special.”

    I was thinking of this in terms of my massage clients. When I am giving a massage to someone, they are the ONLY client in the room. I NEVER mention other clients – and this was part of our ethical training. It is just counterproductive. If the client and I are talking, before or after their session, they are still my ONLY client at that time. Of course they know that I have other clients. And if time is running short, then I will let them know, and they understand that there are other clients who may need my time and skills. But their time is still THEIR time, and nobody else’s.

    So maybe I want to take this more into my dating practice as well. Even if I am “circular dating,” it is still true that when you go on a date, you are only dating that ONE person who is sitting across from you at the table, and that is the ONLY relationship that matters in that moment. Outside of that, maybe you can compare, and see how you feel about one man versus another. But maybe the guy who’s trying to figure out if you are “The One” for him doesn’t need to be distracted by thinking about you dating other women, at least in the beginning. Maybe Circular Dating really is an “inner game,” something we do for ourselves. (And maybe later on, if he’s “stalling” that’s where telling him can work to inspire him to want to commit rather than lose you.)

    Anybody have any thoughts?



  148.  #148Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 12:39 pm

    Re: #145 Elizabeth

    And it works both ways- I’ve had sex with men I was attracted to at the time only to become un-attracted to them after their personalities were further revealed.



  149.  #149The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    #141 “To me if a man wants to have sex with a woman, he’s feeling attracted to her.”

    Yeah, sexually attracted, Daria! That doesn’t mean he wants to have any kind of relationship with her.



  150.  #150Tmizz on April 25, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    Ok, here’s a question. (Maybe you guys can help me out with this)…

    How do I respond when my date asks me about past relationships?

    I have heard (and agree) that talking about your exes on the first date is kind of a no-no. But lately, I’ve had a lot of guys asking me about my “history.” First, my mind spins, thinking about what they’re angle is. What do they want to know? what is the real question they are asking? (are they trying to figure out if I will be a good partner for them, by determining how I have behaved in past relationships?)

    Sometimes I stall, by saying that I don’t think it’s good to talk about that on the first date. But usually, I end up saying something about what’s happened in the past, in the course of the discussion, and I always feel bad about it. I don’t think it adds to what is happening in the present.

    Ironically, when I was in my mid-20’s, I thought I was at a disadvantage for not having dated a lot in college or High School. Now I feel like my dating history is a liability and earns the mistrust – not the trust of my dates that I want.

    How can I turn this around?

    Help!



  151.  #151Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Tmizz. All I can say is that I have never had a problem with CDing – never lost a guy over it, etc. But I absolutely make him “the only one” while I am with him… Well, except for that one time I was thinking of TN man while having sex with D… but other than that time, I’m “all his” when I’m with him – whoever he is – and he Feels that – and falls for me – and then has to win me. <3



  152.  #152Scarlet on April 25, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    #129 LD

    “The toxic men or the ones who are just looking for sex usually show their true colors eventually. You just have to wait them out…”

    I feel like a lioness on a prowl. Makes me feel all giggly and smiley.

    I have a date with a new guy today who I met through a friend. I feel a little anxious about it. Usually I find it easier to talk to the guys that I meet online about my dating other guys at the same time. I figure that since they met me online they must have some idea. But this new guy has no idea and I don’t know how to bring up something like that. Like “by the way, just so you know, I am dating other people.” I guess it’s my own fear of scaring him away. That’s always been my problem and something that I know I need to work on: operating out of fear that the man will leave me. Fear of rejection has always led me to mold myself into someone I thought the man wanted and someone who wasn’t true to herself. But I just have to keep reminding myself that if he scares so easily it just means that he’s not strong enough to handle someone like me and I will not go chasing after him trying to convince him to be with me.

    I wonder, is it ok to ask a guy what he’s looking for, or should I wait until he brings it up? Is that too leaning forward and putting pressure? Because I would want to know right away instead of wasting my time on a guy who’s only looking for a fling.



  153.  #153Femininepower on April 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    RE 151 Tmizz I have used “do you really want to go there? Because I am sure my record will pale in comparison to yours”. This was not a first date but someone I know well who spoke about himself being “wild”. He just dropped the subject but I am not sure that others would on a first date.

    I am wondering if “I feel bored talking about the past and am feeling confused why you would be interested in something that is irrelevant”.



  154.  #154Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    IMHO, widespread enabling occuring in modern society is messing with CDing success, or at least making it quite an uphill battle, that is,when it is used in securing a committed relationship.

    Many men and women are spoiled and they want instant gratification, including in relationships. Disposable relationships. Hey, I’m bored. Hey, I’m just not feeling it today. Hey, you’re just not all I thought you were. etc. And hey, there’s always someone else, maybe better, right around the corner….

    I gave the no girlfriend speech after a few dates with one guy, and in hindsight, I swear i think he thought it meant i was into NSA, FWB and casual sex, and subsequently started believed I was just hanging out with him as Mr. Right Now while I was looking for Mr. Right. I have reason to believe that it tainted things from the start, but I’m not going to say that absolutely, because there are many other factors that were in play.

    Still, another stronger guy, one who knows more who he is, and what he wants, might have understood better.

    My new motto is, the less I say, the better.

    Right now, I adopt the concept of CDing to connect with people, in general, to not stay in a shell, to be interested in the world at large, to expand my horizons, stay unlimited

    in order to not lose myself in a relationship with a man, because everything revolves around him and what he is doing, as it relates to me, and us.

    learning more every day!!

    xxxooo



  155.  #155Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    I can’t remember anyone ever wanting the lowdown on my past relationships early in dating- that kind of thing always came up naturally once the new relationship was further along and there was a context of sorts for it.

    Could it be these guys who bring it up right away are just bad conversationalists? Can’t think of anything more interesting to talk about?

    It would bug me and I’d use one of the techniques FP suggested and promptly change the subject.



  156.  #156T-Girl on April 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Can someone please let me know what “NV” stands for? I’ve asked before, and I think someone else asked a couple days ago but I may have missed the answer.



  157.  #157Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    149: Lily T. says:

    Re: #145 Elizabeth

    And it works both ways- I’ve had sex with men I was attracted to at the time only to become un-attracted to them after their personalities were further revealed.

    Yes, Lily, me too…but how long can one wait?

    It takes a very, very long time to really get to know someone, that is my feeling.

    One of the posts, maybe Lurk, said something about taking a risk…it really comes down to that, IMO.

    You make an educated guess based on all the information you have at the time, from your heart and soul, and hope for the best!

    and I don’t believe in soul mates either

    xxxooo



  158.  #158Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    T-Girl

    NV = negative voices



  159.  #159Lily T. on April 25, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    #158
    Yep. I consider sex part of getting to know someone so I usually don’t “wait” more than a month. But there are no guarantees something will “work out” even after several months of chastity. Making an educated guess based on the information at hand and when you feel comfortable personally is my philosophy. And if you aren’t “hoping for the best”, do you need to be “doing” this guy anyway? 😉



  160.  #160Tmizz on April 25, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Thanks, Lucy & FP!



  161.  #161Tmizz on April 25, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    And thank you Lily T. and Elizabeth – I like what you had to say, and that resonated with my experience as well. Especially the idea that people can be found and replaced easily via the internet.

    It almost makes me feel like a disposable “commodity”, and yet I think many of them are hoping that the one they randomly pick out will turn out to be “the One”

    Or something…



  162.  #162Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 1:32 pm

    162 TMizz

    “It almost makes me feel like a disposable “commodity”, and yet I think many of them are hoping that the one they randomly pick out will turn out to be “the One” ”

    My objection to on-line dating for a long time was it’s not a very natural and organic environment.

    People can present themselves any way they want to. And much of the time they present themselves the way they “wish” they were, not how they really are.

    Look, I know we have all heard this before. I know I often state the obvious. But sometimes, the obvious needs to be stated, like the emperor’s new clothes.

    I also know that people do find success through on-line dating, so I will not dismiss it off hand.

    I’m meeting with someone from on-line later this week.

    But, I’m taking a break from it and focusing on me and my life and meeting people out in RL.

    xxxooo



  163.  #163Mercedes on April 25, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Daria: Is this a fact?

    “There are no negative feelings.”

    Because according to Rori, it sounds like she would disagree:

    “It’s not your “negative” feelings that push a man away – it’s what you do with them.

    It’s how you LIVE with them – because there are things in this world that Trigger us can make us feel sensitive and sad all the time.

    And the way to live with negative feelings that pushes a man away is to RESIST them.

    The way to live with negative feelings that BRINGS A MAN CLOSER is to FEEL them.

    And that doesn’t just mean just feeling them for a moment and then moving on to something else to distract ourselves…

    It means FULLY FEELING your feelings by SINKING INTO them.”

    You can read the full article here:

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/category/rori-raye-rules/



  164.  #164Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Tmizz, 148.

    Exactly.

    I do not divulge anything about my dating life to any date until he asks/brings it up.

    And usually that only happens when things are leading toward physical intimacy. Or it already did and he’s feeling territorial. If it comes up before that–like he asks if I intend to date other people, I say yes, I’m accepting invitations from other men until one guy I really dig wants to dig me back. If he asks about sexual activity, I will tell him that I prefer sexual exclusivity.

    No, I see NO sense in telling a man, “Just so you know, I’m totally dating other men.” I HAVE said however with a wink when a man asks to see me and I am booked or about to be that “my dance card fills up fast.” he tends to get the hint–“Book early, sweetie; I’m in demand.”



  165.  #165Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Hey, everyone – yes any version of E goes to mod; and poor Rori if she’s getting the “rants,” to me that just feels like the opposite of Rori. Yes we have feelings, and if we see Rori as an inspiration it’s as a great role model for not forcing those feelings down anyone’s throat. It’s an openess, an interactive way of being – like the comment she made on the last post vs. being self referential, and involvement that doesn’t require black or white, right or wrong. I love it – it’s what I love about Rori!

    Lots of good stories today and sorry I’ve got to run away….

    But I was thinking Rusty – religion, E’s name, some ranting, the F word, more than two links (that’s anyone who has a blog’s default setting btw) all go to moderation. You can always write Rori and ask why your posts are in mod…but also, maybe you could post them in shorter paragraphs, like 3 posts instead of one? Then if one graph went to mod, you’d – and we’d – still have the benefit of the other two and your thoughts. And it might not feel so frustrating.

    I love coach’s in general for the work they do for US – to make our lives a better place. None of it – not one iota, can be judged harshly imo because they are making their life’s work about helping others reach their goals. That is so gold, and so admirable.

    And, we get to pick with our money and our presence whom we vote for.

    It’s a wide, free world and it feels so GOOD!!!

    Loving it! Rocking it and feeling up up and away….

    Jacqueline



  166.  #166Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Laughing Goddess says:

    “Lurker and Rusty:

    I was thinking about the two of you while I was in the shower today…

    And just want to say that I feel so appreciative of your presence here.”

    WOW. Hold on a minute, have to get that hot image of a woman in the shower thinking about me. LOL 😀

    OK, anyway, several of you have said something similar and it feels good to see someone appreciate your presence, so thank you all for that.

    “and Rusty, have you considered doing some form of coaching?”

    Hadn’t really thought of it. To tell you the truth, until I found this board by mistake, I didn’t even realize there was such a thing.



  167.  #167Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Ps – It’s amazing to me how “sex” turned into a torrential rush of triggering, when all along everyone’s had the freedom to do what they chose. It’s like a dam was broken, a taboo undone…it’s amazing and interesting.

    And, I don’t agree that people can be replaced via the internet. E has a great post on it, a woman who acted like her internet guy who decided he didn’t want someone 3 hours away had actually broken up with her…used the analogy that that was like simply not having won the lottery (imaginary loss for the most part) vs. actually losing a million dollars.

    People will always be unique – no one can smell like I do, no one can be me. That feels good.

    And Mercedes I thought you were gone, but wanting to acknowledge you and say part of my post was in response to your thoughts, but I am not wanting to spar or debate with you. Just to allow.

    It worked for you, you are passionate about it, it might or might not work for others, your situation was very unique and specific to you, imo…

    so I’m glad it worked, I’m glad you’re upfront and powerful and maybe – still – E’s way has a lot of validity for a lot of women?

    What do you think? I hope you’ll find that place of allowing and feel less triggered, but you will be you, lol and hugs….

    J



  168.  #168Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Elizabeth:

    “Right now, I adopt the concept of CDing to connect with people, in general, to not stay in a shell, to be interested in the world at large, to expand my horizons, stay unlimited”

    Exactly! I love the way you put that!



  169.  #169Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    148. TMizz

    “Maybe Circular Dating really is an “inner game,” something we do for ourselves. (And maybe later on, if he’s “stalling” that’s where telling him can work to inspire him to want to commit rather than lose you.)

    Anybody have any thoughts?”

    yes, TMizz, I loved your whole post, and, hey, I am an lmt, too, and i know exactly what you’re talking about and I think that is a brilliant analogy.

    What you said here about Circular Dating being, as I like to call it, “an inside job” works for me!

    And then later, if you’re feeling in limbo for too long with a guy, you can say like Rori said to her prospective….Well, then, you can’t have me all to yourself”

    I mean, it’s only fair, I think. S*it or get off the pot.

    They get that. I know that.

    🙂

    xxxooo



  170.  #170Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    169. Boomer

    Thanks, Boom, it feels good that you
    commented to me!
    I like and admire you lots!
    You remind me of a good friend of mine
    from high school!

    xxxooo



  171.  #171Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    The thing about saying
    “Sh*t or get off the pot”, though….

    You gotta be prepared for them to
    go either way.

    I would never say it as an ultimatum.

    🙂

    xxxooo



  172.  #172Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Elizabeth………awwwww!!!!

    So, was your high school friend a brassy, irreverent, too-loud Italian chick too????



  173.  #173Elizabeth on April 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    173. Boomer

    “So, was your high school friend a brassy, irreverent, too-loud Italian chick too????”

    You know it!! very out-spoken, class president, senate, all of that, but SO much fun

    She always got me going and we always got in trouble. I was the sweet, a little shy -until you got me going – a little bit quirky italian chick. 😉

    xxxooo



  174.  #174Prairie Girl on April 25, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Okay…been listening to this…
    Attracting a mate Abraham-Hicks..
    http://youtu.be/clGB5vndmms
    what’s kinda cool is that when she has the gal imagine/feel what it is she wants I can do that now thanks to RM….
    I get side tracked if I then start to “want him back”.. wonder where he went… but if I can just relax into… (I see a little M&M candy) “He does exist” *said breathlessly* it feels really good…. yum… the hot sports car… or um… diesel pickup..is on order… lol
    PG



  175.  #175Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Queenbee – very interesting on holding onto boundaries. My blog post is on the danger in “I” messages, and the point she makes is you can accomplish things – sometimes – better with boundaries and reasoning and rewarding…

    Something for me to think about too.

    But my guy – smile – he may not be Mr. Charismatic, but he can be Mr. Endearing. He goes to the park at the end of the street or the little store or whatever…unless he’s showering, the bathroom (since we have only 1) is MINE. So sweet, and not anything I asked him to do.

    I love the boundary respect a good man just gives you, just as I hate the boundary trampling an un-good man does. I really like it when they’re perceptive enough to find a boundary and respect it without me even knowing it was/is a boundary conciously!

    And although I will totally fight for each and every line in the sand, it feels better just to know and have a boundary, it feels like self respect and self love. And if I allow someone to cross it (see puked on guy) it feels good when they acknowledge the priviledge I’ve given them. Smiles and thanks…

    PG – HUGING YOU, Lil Tumbleweed rolling in the wind. He’s a good guy a great guy, who may rubber band, and in the meantime, there are other good and great guys and one that is in lock step with you who will find you any minute and love who you are!

    And a bit of a reframe – Brenda, I saw your online thinking and I agree….I came to believe a lot of the guys on line were there to simply assure themselves that they were indeed “trying” to find that perfect woman they used 10 paragraphs to describe…lol….and/or they are so heavy online because they lack normal social skills and are uncomfortable with real live interactions. By no means all, but the endless emailers? Absolutely. Forget their face, how do they smell??? And for that, you’ve got to get side by side, huh….

    And, for me – there’s nothing like real life, especially underarm odor; it’s the holy grail of whether or not you want em….for real!

    Yeah for your discernment!!

    J



  176.  #176LD on April 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    wow just as my love life starts falling into place, I hit a MAJOR bump in my career path, which has been secure and forward moving for the past 3 years. Coincidence or something I attracted? Maybe a change that would free me up for a “normal” relationship? (My schedule is really different from D’s and makes it difficult to date in general, much less have a normal relationship) or perhaps somehwere I don’t believe I deserve or can handle success in both areas? I feel really confused and overwhelmed now…

    Anyone else ever have these shifts like this?



  177.  #177Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 2:40 pm

    Queenbee

    Post #912 is out of moderation if you want to take a look at it. I am reading your very long post that is more detailed right now.



  178.  #178Ella on April 25, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    Lurker re 81

    I believe you!

    I never used to believe guys when they said they that they were not ready for a relationship at that time, or that they were not a good choice for whatever reason…

    Now, I hear it when guys say that.

    Because in my experience when a guy says that it is true! Even when guys say stuff half jokingly often times it is proved right.

    So I always listen when I hear those kind of words these days.

    And it feels good that I can hear and more respectful to beleive people when they tell me something.



  179.  #179Ella on April 25, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    @ Boomer

    “a man tells you very, very early where his head is…you just have to listen and see it.”

    Yep! I totally agree!

    xoxoxoxo



  180.  #180Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    @#1072: Queenbee

    “Don’t see how a separate room would interfere. It’s just me getting dressed and stuff – taking a few minutes by myself when I need to – I did not get into the explanations….”

    I think it was a mistake not to explain. I can also see how it might have affected him mentally when at first, you did not raise an issue about the one room, but then did so when it was brought up later. His mind had obviously traveled down the path with this notion of having one room, and it must have felt like a withdrawal to him. Like second thoughts, etc…

    I do not feel that it would have been a mistake to mention your concerns, and to simply say that it would make you feel more secure knowing that you have a room to retreat to if things don’t go well. Of course, this might have triggered him to say something along the lines of not planning on anything going badly.

    I sense that the objection seemed like a retreat on your part, in his mind. It felt like failure, it felt cold to him.

    but I am still reading so give me some leeway here. 😉



  181.  #181Scarlet on April 25, 2011 at 3:12 pm

    176. Jacqueline

    “there’s nothing like real life, especially underarm odor; it’s the holy grail of whether or not you want em….for real!”

    LOL. I used to love how my ex smelled when he was all sweaty. Disgusting, I know, but so true. We had intense sexual chemistry. Unfortunately it wasn’t much beyond that.



  182.  #182SirenJen on April 25, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Evan, you’re hot. 🙂



  183.  #183Daria on April 25, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    Rusty just manly-fested a new calling. 🙂



  184.  #184Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    BTW, Queenbee, I do think that he should have made allowances for your concerns. Like offering to get dressed first in the bathroom, then leaving the room for a while to give you your privacy.

    Or what about a suite? hat way he could sit in the living room area and give you the privacy of the bedroom and bathroom when you needed.

    Problem here is that you didn’t give him the chance to do this by not bringing up your concerns.

    I would not be the least bit surprised if he wouldn’t have had a problem doing this for you, had he known what your concerns were.

    I myself would feel more confident in the relationship if the woman would address concerns like this with me, instead of the woman trying to back door a solution without telling me her concerns.

    Back dooring a solution will often raise suspicions, or cause poor communication which leads to misconceptions and misunderstandings.

    OK, I am now to the part where you said you don’t want his crumbs. First let me say that I do think you have a winner here. He’s not perfect, but neither or you, nor am I. Nobody is. But he does seem to be someone who you could spend your life with, somebody who wants that with you. But this means making adjustments, which seems is a tough thing for both of you.

    The “FEEL” I get from both of you is that both of you have this idea that you can carve out a little niche in your lives and place somebody in that, and woe be to them if they step out of that little box.

    I know I would have a hard time being in a relationship with someone that has this preconceived notion of where and how I am supposed to fit in their life.

    TO me a relationship is about making a decision to become a butterfly. While single you are a caterpillar, then a cocoon while dating, and then when in the LTR you are the butterfly.

    The cocoon is where you make the changes and adjustments to allow the relationship to sprout wings. You BOTH need to make changes.

    He has to learn to make concessions in his life and so do you.

    I can understand that for him, this diary would be a big issue because my impression is that he is Alpha. He wants to lead. The diary is like a trump card on his leading.

    It is very possible that with the career he has, (I don’t know what it is.) he ma want a woman to be far more accessible to him. Sometimes I think this is necessary for some relationships where one person has a very hectic work life. I see it like a Sailor who wants to know that his woman will be standing on the pier with a sign that says “I love you, I missed you, Welcome home!”

    I can tell you from experience that when life interferes, it was hard to stand on that ship seeing all of those wives and girlfriends and knowing that mine was not there among them. Usually she was, but a couple of times she wasn’t able to be because of school.

    I remember once I looked and didn’t see her. I was 100% certain she wasn’t there. Then I happened to see her come around a building that hid the parking lot. Even at a long distance, I knew it was her and my heart went from hurting to soaring among the clouds in a microsecond. As I watched her walk toward the pier, she looked like a tall glass of ice water to a man about to die of thirst.

    So anyway, I can see him having a problem with the diary. In fact, if I remember right, the diary is more of an appointment book, right? I know I would feel a lot of ICK in a relationship where a woman was setting up so many boundaries I felt like a contortionist trying to fit in. And it would kill a lot of my feelings every time I got spanked for stepping out of the box you tried to keep me in.

    I feel it is necessary to have boundaries but “some” of those boundaries should be negotiable with a man in your life.



  185.  #185Daria on April 25, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Mercedes – “negative” is put in quotes in order to indicate that they’re not “really” negative

    It’s a grammar form

    Rori teaches that all our feelings are in the soup and none are negative or above the others. She doesn’t use Abraham hicks emotional scale because it Is a ladder. So the soup is more about a morphing. No negative feelings. Always ok to say I feel furious. I feel awful. Not so much Attacking when we Do feel awful.



  186.  #186Daria on April 25, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    But sometimes negative is used as a psedolabel for emotions we often have learned to think of as negative.

    Like the ones that don’t feel good

    You know , good is a label too

    Hmmm

    The ones I don’t want to feel.

    Bluh humbug.

    And I can’t control my emotions.

    I can control how much I notice them.

    And I Do want to notice them muchomucho!

    So I can notice And feel Fun and joy!

    Amd in order to do that k gotta notice All my emotions, so my taste for emotions gets sensitized.

    My sensing gets acute fine nuanced.

    Mmm and feeling bliss feels so.., blissful.

    And I can use my masculine to move the building blocks so that I tune myself towards the blowfish and noisier emyions…

    I Can swim in this ocean, I can affect my emotions by choosing to go toward the blissfully ones…



  187.  #187kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    I feel triggered by everything today because my IDs and ss card have been published on a message board. Moderation removed them in 30 mins upon sight, but stilll…

    So, I spent most of my day on phone with credit agencies to prevent identitheft and future shennanegans. Yep. Great way to spend the day.

    It’s because, until recently, I’ve been a very public, kinda known internet character. 4 dif mes boards, twitter, blogs, you name it. All same name used.

    And now I feel triggered because my internet involvement bothered Adam. Even when I told him that I wasn’t using sexual jargon in my posts like I used to years ago. It’s simply an avenue for exchange of wit and sarcasm- totally no sexual tone anymore to draw people in. Hasn’t been for years.

    Because…he said ‘it’s still a need for validation from strangers, which isn’t healthy for you plus you have a boyfriend you’re exclusive with.’



  188.  #188Daria on April 25, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    At least, I would like to think that I have an effect, because I’d want to use my Will! Which would be a fun part of this world.

    And do I choose to believe that I do have an effect just by desiring to I’m floating towards my wonderful feeling emotions

    And blissing out…

    Is this being hi on love?

    That Doesn’t feel good.

    Back to the good.

    Hey if that’s all I get to do, choose good feeling thoughts, and that works to make me feel good… I cam Do that.



  189.  #189Laughing Goddess on April 25, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Hey Daria,

    I just finished my nlp session. It was intense. I feel drained…But in a good way.

    At the end, he was saying something that I know was really profound and could help me and I felt all the resistance cone up.

    It felt like a huge resistance to change.

    I remember you mentioning resistance to change before.

    Do you have any thoughts on this?
    Anyone else too…I’d love to hear.



  190.  #190Daria on April 25, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    Men are staring and shoeing up but I feel scared of them. I don’t want to get raped or feel icky.

    I feel scared so I move away

    Hmm. When it’s safe I will open.



  191.  #191Daria on April 25, 2011 at 3:53 pm

    It’s always safe. What then.

    I felt bad hearing what the nbs were telling me about these men.

    Judgements about them, about me.

    Me not worthy of having people want my good.

    Hmm.

    I felt uncomfortable. I left. This was good.



  192.  #192kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    Rusty,

    Your response to Queenbee “It was a mistake not to explain.”

    We are soooooo (er, I mean we feel sooooo) afraid of exlaining lest we appear overfunctioning.

    From your posts, I’m learning that explaining has it’s value. You’ve taught me WHEN and HOW. I like the specific examples you write what to say to a man so it doesn’t come off as defensive.

    My entire life has been ‘stuff the feelings like a Stepford Wife’ or go straight to the jugular with blame and criticism. Because I’d always read there was a middle ground, but no author ever seemed to cite specific examples.



  193.  #193Daria on April 25, 2011 at 3:57 pm

    I could’ve said… I feel uncomfortable.., whatsup?

    🙂

    To the man hadn’t spoken to me first.

    Then he did. I felt scared by then.

    I’m feeling scared they might hurt me, because they’re thinking I’m a prostitute and prostitutes get hurt by men.

    This is what I believed when I was young.

    It felt scary.

    I love me.

    I love my feelings.



  194.  #194Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Queenbee

    “I guess the issue is that I feel like I see him less after 5 months of dating.”

    Be aware that some of this may be because of his feelings about the way you want to frame the relationship.

    “He doesn’t want to understand my diary issues. He doesn’t want to ask me in advance. I feel frustrated with this.”

    And Again, I can totally understand this because this was what triggered me to make such a nasty post, which I regret, to you the first time I responded to you.

    I realized that it was because it feels very un-Alpha to go along with that. I had to make my wife understand this. Yes, I understand she has a job, but her boss, whom I know, thinks nothing of calling her husband while at work, or answering his calls when she can. So I told her that “NO! NO! I was not going to not call if I needed to while she is at work. Though I did suggest I would use a text and allow her to call back when she could. So that is what I do. I text her if I need to communicate with her. And as I told her, she can respond when she can.

    It should be noted that I do not call her every day at work. But I do usually send at least one text. I like texts for just this reason. I can send out communication when I can, and she can read it and respond when she can. Other than that, I don’t care for texting. I hate it when some people want to use it as a primary means of communication. Which brings me to your next statements.

    “What I want is a REAL relationship with a REAL person. I don’t want his crumbs. And a text feels like crumbs.”

    I agree with you and feel your pain on this. I do not like texting when a phone call can be so much more personal. My only question would be whether or not the diary thing has him wound up and feeling like texting is a better means of communication with you.

    What I do sense is that he is a good man and that he wants something serious with you, but I wonder if he is feeling that maybe you are a bit too high maintenance, or toxic. I wonder if he is afraid that you come packaged with too many warnings and caution labels. Is he afraid that you will bring TOO much drama into his life? This is a big question for me at the moment.



  195.  #195Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Lg – yes.

    I have two magics I use.

    One is an EFT video on YouTube. It super works for me. I can’t necessarily ‘tell’ if there was a shift at the end of tapping along with it, but I know after my energy healings and manifestings seem to work and I can get out of a funk much easier for example. Its on YouTube searing for: EFT Resistance to Change from Innerhealingcenter.

    My other magic is for my intent:

    I reach out to Elegua, the trickster and door keeper, and I ask him to open the door for (whatever my intent is) to happen. Then he opens a door and I Jump through it.
    This I can do for big things or in the moment things.



  196.  #196kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Daria,

    Do you mean they literally think you’re a prostitue as in charging $$$ for sex? Or as in they think you’re just easy? If it’s the second, just keep knowing that you’re a book with a beautiful narrative. The cover art drew the guys in, but the content kept them reading.



  197.  #197Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    Another one came to me:

    “Relax” from Janette Maw, the Loa coach.

    We manifest when flowing, so Whatever is happening, it’s Supposed to be, and will happen anyway, so might as well “Relax” whether were dying or in a rush or Whatever.

    “Relax” because the Stress, despite what we learned before, will Not make u’s better performers.

    So Relax in the moment, no matter What is happening, it will happen without you hanging on, just relax .

    I really Get this and started using it again a few days ago.



  198.  #198Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    No I mean the first.



  199.  #199Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:09 pm

    I think they think I am looking to sell sex for money.



  200.  #200kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Daria,

    Are you sitting at the bar at The Venetian alone in thigh high boots? Are you on the corner swinging your purse? LOLZ.



  201.  #201The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    #188 ” my IDs and ss card have been published on a message board.”
    Oh, damn! How did this happen, Kaytlin?

    “it’s still a need for validation from strangers, which isn’t healthy for you plus you have a boyfriend you’re exclusive with.”
    So, in his opinion he should be the only one who ‘validates’ you? Wow. And I thought I am possessive.



  202.  #202Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Kaitlyn – sounds controlling.

    And if u have a bf.,,

    But I’m guessing there’s some flirtatious or someting about this site.

    It’s not about cooking.



  203.  #203Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    I got the boots and the purple jacket.
    I’m at barnes n noble now where people might think I’m not selling sex.



  204.  #204Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    @#193: kaitlyn says:

    “My entire life has been ‘stuff the feelings like a Stepford Wife’ or go straight to the jugular with blame and criticism. Because I’d always read there was a middle ground, but no author ever seemed to cite specific examples.”

    AH but you see, we men do not want a Stepford wife. I think even those who “think” they do, would be miserable if they ever got one.

    Nor do we want someone who goes for the jugular…ever. not unless we have done something really egregious. And I mean really really egregious…like sleep with your sister, or something like that…so if we want to keep you, your going for the jugular would be preferable to you walking away.

    All of that middle ground stuff you’ve always avoided, that’s where we live and want to be with you.

    I’ve learned through my life, that women are great talkers, but often with men, they talk at them, instead of with them.

    I remember seeing this interview with a great baseball pitcher. he said that one day, he was facing this batter, and he was doing his thinking…running all of the stuff through his head that he had learned about this guy.

    He said that as he was doing this, and getting ready to pitch the ball, he noticed the guy make a move in the batter’s box. It was a move that screamed the fact that the batter was “thinking” too.

    He said that it was an epiphany. He knew that batters learned stats about pitchers also, but it never really sunk in to him that the batter was actually standing there, “thinking” about what he the pitcher was going to do.

    I think the key here is to not over function. but still keep your radar on and pay attention to signals. When in doubt, ask. It boggles my mind why women think they can’t trust ANYTHING that ANY man says. The truth is, most of us are too busy, too worn out to deal with games and lies. Yes some men do lie, and some are players. But by being up front and truthful, and giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, you allow him to do the same, and if he is a good guy, that will become apparent and the same if he is a bad guy.

    Don’t be afraid of getting your heart broken as much as you are afraid of not creating a fertile field where a good man can plant his crops.

    If you get hurt, be strong. The best revenge is that you don’t allow a bad man to ruin you for the good man that will come into your life afterwords.

    Have the courage to be who you need to be when that good man comes into your life.



  205.  #205Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I was at a corner bench,
    And in a corner beside a busstop, respectively. Those two locations figured into my thought that they think that. Sometimes when I’m walking down the street I get that vibe too.

    And this guy at the park asked me.

    hmm

    That felt bad to say.

    I like that I’m exploring this for myself.



  206.  #206Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:21 pm

    I love this:

    Don’t be afraid of getting your heart broken as much as you are afraid of not creating a fertile field where a good man can plant his crops.

    Ohhh I feel absolutely delighted!!!



  207.  #207Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    “I got the boots and the purple jacket.
    I’m at barnes n noble now where people might think I’m not selling sex.”

    Sounds HOT. Don’t catch those books on fire. 😉



  208.  #208kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    202 Lurker,

    I did porn.

    And about the validation, he had no problem knowing other men looked at me when we walked down the street. I’d be in jeans, a cashmere sweater, and pearls. No big deal. However, I used my porn name on these boards. He had a problem knowing that online, even though I wasn’t acting porn-ish, I was still known as that porn girl. His take was ‘They like you for your brain then it’s bonus for them because she’s hot and did porn, too!’ Adam thought even though I no longer did porn, he felt it was emotionally damaging for me to still keep ties with it.



  209.  #209Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Daria this was to you. I posted it in the other thread, but realize that nobody is going there now.

    963: Daria says:

    I felt really good with the date I manifested last night.

    I feel a lil icky and afraid remembering h

    964: Daria says:

    How he wanted to kiss me, and was hinting and asking and I felt sleepy and shy and we didn’t.

    I feel guilty thinking – oh he may have felt rejected – and now see this guilt covers fear that I am not attractive or less attractive now.

    Living myself and my learning and receiving.

    He instantly wanted to rub my feet.

    ———————————————————————————————-

    Relax. This really is one of those areas where you can’t go wrong. He seems to be very into you, or at the least, very attracted to you. I don’t know too many men that will want to rub your feet and kiss you if they aren’t very attracted to you.

    And the truth is, contrary to the opinions of some, a man who is into you, won’t run away at the first sign of rejection in this manner.

    But you do have to balance it with a little lean forwardness. I mean, if you do that (what you said you did), but at the same time come across as totally not interested, he may believe that you really aren’t interested.

    The lean forward doesn’t have to be so far that you fall over. Just something little. A gesture that tells him you enjoyed your time together and that it made you happy.

    Maybe a text. Or a small gift.

    Maybe invite him over for dinner, or out to do something simple, like fly a kite at the park, or walk on the beach looking for seashells.

    All he wants to know is that you are interested and if he sees that you are, he’ll keep working for that kiss. I am of the opinion that you SHOULD make him work for it. Men appreciate what they have had to work for.



  210.  #210Lilybelle on April 25, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Damn, Rusty…

    I loved the post to Katilyn.

    “Don’t be afraid of getting your heart broken as much as you are afraid of not creating a fertile field where a good man can plant his crops.

    If you get hurt, be strong. The best revenge is that you don’t allow a bad man to ruin you for the good man that will come into your life afterwords.

    Have the courage to be who you need to be when that good man comes into your life.”

    Damn.

    ~Lil



  211.  #211kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Lurker,

    PLus, it’s a personality dif. He’s a very private person. Always has been and he’s an introvert. He’s so private, I had to convince him to have his real last name on his FB.

    And irrrrkkkkk I was triggered when he griped about my FB status still saying ‘single’ (his status was always set to no indication), but when I wanted to put ‘in a relationship with Adam ___,’ he denied my request because he has a stalker and the last thing his stalker needs is fodder. When you google my real name, my porn name comes up.

    And I guess Adam’s mommy the rich lawyer said even she has no idea what to do about mr. stalker.



  212.  #212Rosa on April 25, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Hi Gang , Its morning here and I get to read the old CD hot potato again.

    I think Lily T had an excellent description of one of the CD uses ,ie , in a stalled relationship .I am going to summarise how I see CD working for women AND men

    1.A way to get to “play “dating and learn how to relax and enjoy the game and sort through the contenders relatively quickly (given it takes 4-8 weeks to get to know them a little . Evan says they need to be your BF by then or its NEXT time. Why shut your options off for months at a time ? Its a numbers game.

    2. A way to learn communication skills and work on self esteem . This is HUGE . Feeling men are vying for you is very healing after bad times and divorces etc..and its a great alternative to drugs , booze or sexual excesses(is there such a thing?)

    3. A way to enjoy relating socially and going out when circumstances may make it difficult to grow a whole relationship eg, working away a lot , sick child or parent, or personal illness. My example here is recovering from surgery and cancer I have had amazingly GOOD dates and lots of laughs, but my emotional heart is safe for now and until I have energy to do it all over again . I was hoping one would step up but it was all talk and he went back to his ex fiance. I now see that as a really good use of CD for him.

    4. A great way to have wild sex with 4 or more people who you have at least met before (this one for you Lurker:) ) You could always introduce them of course!

    5. To avoid killing off a good potential relationship by scaring a good man away too soon. It takes the pressure off him and allows things to develop at their own pace into an exclusive arrangement which HE is comfortable asking for. It slows down the process to a comfortable pace.

    6. To heal a woman or man who is prone to the “instant relationship” syndrome and who mixes up a Cuppa Bliss Soup for everyone likely who comes along and hurls self into it only to get badly burnt 🙂
    ie it teaches emotional maturity.

    7. Girls get to wear pretty clothes and make up and perfume and feel appreciated more often 🙂

    8. Only now do i get to the one about lighting a fire under a stalled relationship that seems to be what E. has focused on. Yeah sure , use this one with care. But as I said before, a woman who is seriously in love with her man , deeply attached and longing and hoping for marriage and babies with him while her clock ticks away , well she is going to have to be DESPERATE ENOUGH to use this tool then. I am not sure E. appreciated this point. No woman would lightly throw away such a relationship , and to open it up to dates with others means she knows SHE HAS NOTHING TO LOSE.She is prepared to lose that guy if it meansfinding the REALTIONSHIP THAT SHE WANTS. Sure the guy will grumble , but he has no rights to her fertility just because she is monogamous . The pressure on him to step up with ring is enormous. This DEPRESSURISES it for him. Whats not to like?

    There are no doubt lots of reasons for, and bonuses to CD’ing. Feel free to add personal experiences !



  213.  #213Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    @#209: kaitlyn

    Kaitlyn Ashley?

    If that is you, I would think that your biggest problem would be too many men chasing you, thus you would be weed whacking through all of the losers to find the right guy.



  214.  #214Daria on April 25, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Rusty – aww thank you. I feel all loved and stuff. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Aww I feel so good to hear that you think a guy won’t freak over that kiss thing :). I feel really supported and reassured.

    And I actually super gushed to him on the phone about what a wonderful time I had, for like 5 min, and accepted an invite to do it again.

    (unfortunately then we got in an argument over logistics and I walked away as in hung up when i felt attacked. He apologized in the last voicemail. I find being open and honest AND very high maintenance no giving in on boundaries draws out guy’s red flags super early)



  215.  #215The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    #209 “he felt it was emotionally damaging for me to still keep ties with it.”

    And how do YOU feel? It’s your past after all. Maybe you think differently about this now, but do you think it’s damaging?

    Well, to me, it sounds like he wants to keep you away from all online communication. But simply using a new pseudonym should be good enough to get a new start, without being put into the same old drawer. Really, why the remark about your alleged need for “validation”?
    :-/



  216.  #216Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 4:40 pm

    Re: 214.

    It’s an epiphany moment for me. I mean I already knew this, but I think we always need to remind ourselves that even very beautiful people have insecurities and relationship problems.

    Funny how we often assume that if we were better looking that many of our problems would disappear.



  217.  #217kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    I just feel irked again because he didn’t get along with his mom because she was very insensitive and controlling. And guess how I probably came off to him? Yep.

    memory lane….

    The first time he met my bff. My bff is my dawg of 10 years. Knowing and seeing that Adam was an introvert, my bff sat at the cafe with us and wanted nothing more than to make Adam feel comfortable, non-threatened, and welcome. Adam just sat there like a bump on a log. My bff asked open ended questions, talked about Adam’s interests, conversed in a way that would get Adam to open up.

    I was so angry that later, I told Adam his standoffishness looked rude. He said, “Well, I can’t help it if I’m just a tacitern guy.” I felt angrier. “Adam, it’s called caring enough to come out of your shell just for a few mins to look social and make your gf not look like she’s dating some f#ggot.”

    Yep. Not what a guy wants to hear. But when we got back to my house, he was affectionate and flirty again. No sex because he had to see his acct in an hour.

    But I see all the mistakes I made that added up to why he didn’t follow through on getting my xmas present, getting my jacket back after he left his old rmate’s and L.A. (so what if you dont wanna talk to your old rmare again. do it for ME.), why he waited til 2pm Christmas day to wish me (me the Christmas Queen of Icecycles and Gingerbread Houses!) a Merry Christmas.



  218.  #218kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Rusty,

    HA! You perv! Love it! But I’m not Kaitlyn Ashley. Not Kaitlyn anyone. Wow I am always impressed when a guy knows his gonzo queens. Indeed!



  219.  #219kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    Daria,

    As much as I love my thigh high boots and stuff, when I took the bus I had to NOT wear that. And I didn’t even wear that stuff in a slutty way. More like a high fashion way. But still, I knew the dif from an admiring eye of attraction and just plain salivating. Sucks, but yeah, wear ballet flats (the kind from steve madden, forever21, or whatev that roll up) and have your real shoes in your purse.



  220.  #220kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Lurker,

    It’s fairly true about the validation. But then I stopped being on message boards because I loved his feelings for me and was falling in love with him. And I wanted to be emotionally healthy, wanted to be more self-reliant, wanted to stop self-sabotauging myself in relationships. Guess it didn’t happen.



  221.  #221Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    215: Daria says:

    “I find being open and honest AND very high maintenance no giving in on boundaries draws out guy’s red flags super early”

    Open and honest is great, but flexibility is also good. Laying down the law so to speak, especially about little things, can freak a guy out. In his mind he might be thinking, “Dang, if she is this high maintenance this early, what is she going to be like in a relationship after the honeymoon has worn off.”

    This is a real quandary, be honest but don’t. I think it is something you have to learn. For instance, if you meet a guy and the chemistry is so there for you that you think, “This is my next husband.” You might want to save that for a cute story to tell people after you have married him. He will see it is sweet after he marries you, but it might scare him away if said too soon.

    The thing about sharing all of your boundaries too soon is that it can make sou appear even more high maintenance than you are. It might look to the guy like he is about to step into a mine field.

    So maybe it is better to deal with them as the need arises. Still be honest though.

    But also, be flexible in some of those boundaries. And when doing so, allow him some trust. Here’s an example.

    Maybe you have a boundary that says you won’t have sex with a guy until he makes a commitment to a LTR. OK, but then he invites you camping, with some other friends. A bunch of couples. It’s obvious that he is expecting that you two will sleep in the same tent.

    This is exactly how I would handle it. I would show him that you are very excited at the thought of doing something fun like this with him and his friends, then tell him that you only have one condition. I would expect that he would know about the boundary of no LTR no sex, so you simply reinforce that, and say that you would love to be able to cuddle up with him in the tent so long as he can respect your boundaries.

    All up front. You show him that you are excited by the prospect and put the ball in his court to be the great guy he is, or likes to thinks he is.

    By being up front about it right away, you take away the possibility that he starts to go someplace in his mind that he doesn’t need to go, and he isn’t disappointed when he finds out that you had other ideas.

    I am a big proponent of being up front. I love that in women. I can’t stand it when they try to beat around the bush, expect me to be a mind reader, or back door things, etc…



  222.  #222Rosa on April 25, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    Kaitlyn,

    I have noticed over time here that you blame yourself often for doing things to turn Adam off you and also that you regularly cite the three most hurtful things he didnt come through with for you.

    This sounds like a litany of sins ! And the recycling over and over of the memories of NOT getting what you wanted (jacket, gift, calls) just sounds like the opposite of attracting what you want.

    Whilst i am happy to listen to any Siren in pain, I also wonder if you did the Stop sign stuff i posted here in January (Rosa Stop Sign) when Brenda was doing the same, recycling her pain and pining ? Its great stuff when you are happy to move forward now.

    I found that G-Man was such a well worn track in my brain that doing all the mental tricks was INCREDIBLY helpful for removing him and starting proper CDing again.I found Richard Bandlers book”Create the Life You Want” or similar title was amazingly helpful.

    I was soon doing the exercise of running all the bad memories together (at least 10 of them ) in movie format over and over till the threshold blew, and honestly now I struggle to remember them . My brain just blocks it off as a no go zone..



  223.  #223Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    219: kaitlyn says:

    Rusty,

    HA! You perv! Love it! But I’m not Kaitlyn Ashley. Not Kaitlyn anyone. Wow I am always impressed when a guy knows his gonzo queens. Indeed!

    LOL, well I hate to disappoint but I Googled “Kaitlyn Porn Actress” and that was the only name that came up, so I Googled Kaitlyn Ashley and looked at a few of the pics. but then I noticed that one gave measurements that were not the ones you gave me in a previous thread. Didn’t know if that was a dis-qualifier since those measurements could have been fake for good advertising.

    OK, so now you have me curious. 😉



  224.  #224Prairie Girl on April 25, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    #176 Jacqueline
    PG – HUGING YOU, Lil Tumbleweed rolling in the wind. He’s a good guy a great guy, who may rubber band, and in the meantime, there are other good and great guys and one that is in lock step with you who will find you any minute and love who you are!
    ————————————
    mmm… I love it…Thank you…Hugs back to you…
    PG



  225.  #225kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 5:02 pm

    Rusty,

    My body was different then. I was thicker but not her measurements. Then twds the end of my film presence, I toned up. I’ve been really toned and leaner this year (think Black Swan), but then the Paris thing happened and now you can count my back ribs.



  226.  #226kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    Rusty, and yes that Kaitlyn had a completely different body than me. Esp in the boob area. Ha.



  227.  #227Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    227: kaitlyn says:

    “Rusty, and yes that Kaitlyn had a completely different body than me. Esp in the boob area. Ha.”

    Yeah well, that isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. Bigger is nice, but not always better. I’ve never had a woman that didn’t please me in that area and that includes about every size A to bigger than DD.

    There is no one size that is best or one that is worst. Whatever the woman was, that was my favorite size. 😉



  228.  #228RiverGirl on April 25, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Hello lovelies, just came across this beautiful poem and though I would share.

    Imagine a Woman
    by Patricia Lynn Reilly

    Imagine a woman who believes it is right and good she is a woman.
    A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
    Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself.
    A woman who listens to her needs and desires.
    Who meets them with tenderness and grace.

    Imagine a woman who acknowledges the past’s influence on the present.
    A woman who has walked through her past.
    Who has healed into the present.

    Imagine a woman who authors her own life.
    A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
    Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice.

    Imagine a woman who names her own gods.
    A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
    Who designs a personal spirituality to inform her daily life.

    Imagine a woman in love with her own body.
    A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
    Who celebrates its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

    Imagine a woman who honors the body of the Goddess in her changing body.
    A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
    Who refuses to use her life-energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

    Imagine a woman who values the women in her life.
    A woman who sits in circles of women.
    Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

    Imagine yourself as this woman.



  229.  #229Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Rusty:

    Wow…u coming strong…u got my attention with u posts today…;) U sure like constructive criticism…and sure raise up to the challenge 🙂 Indeed an awesome Alpha man trait 🙂

    While I loved them all, I was “taken” by your description of your wife waiting for you 🙂 Beautiful!!! I felt tearful and connected with you both 🙂

    Warm hugs,



  230.  #230Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    Wonder what happened to Mel?

    I wrote her a message at her request and no I haven’t heard from her. Maybe she found a good B&B for Easter weekend, or went camping? Hope she is doing well.



  231.  #231The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    #221 “I wanted to be emotionally healthy, wanted to be more self-reliant, wanted to stop self-sabotauging myself in relationships. Guess it didn’t happen.”
    Imho you’re too harsh to yourself, Kaitlyn! You don’t leave the impression of a girl who is emotionally unstable, depending on others, and self sabotaging. You made some msitakes in the relationship, ok. Even dire ones, maybe. But who’s here to throw the first stone? We all have some screw ups on our conscience, I guess. This shouldn’t lead us to see ourselves as failures. The mere fact that we’re working on ourselves shows we’re not.
    You’re no failure, Kaitlyn! Don’t think of yourself in that way, pls.

    #223 “Kaitlyn, I have noticed over time here that you blame yourself often for doing things to turn Adam off you”
    Indeed, Rosa! My impression, too. Kaitlyn, you really shouldn’t define yourself only through Adam. Shouldn’t the goal be to be yourself, to feel comfortable in your skin? And to impress men with that? Hopefully including Adam? You can’t play a role for him in a LTR! You have to be real. Which doesn’t say you can’t improve some traits. And if he really wants you, it looks like he has to be more forthcoming to your needs, to. But you both can’t become totally different persons.

    #224 Uh, Rusty, come on, don’t you think it would be a good idea to respect the privacy of the commenters here, and not to throw names around? Especially if the commenter has said she moved away from knowing her well known online name? Hmm.



  232.  #232Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    230: Darling Ella says:

    Warm hugs,

    ————————————————————————————————

    Thanks. 😀



  233.  #233Rusty on April 25, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    “#224 Uh, Rusty, come on, don’t you think it would be a good idea to respect the privacy of the commenters here, and not to throw names around? Especially if the commenter has said she moved away from knowing her well known online name? Hmm.”

    Yeah, my bad. I misread it and thought that she said she had made it known, that she used the name here?

    My apologies.



  234.  #234The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    #235 Ah, I see. I misread stuff very often, too. I’m a fast reader, but that comes at the expense of accuracy. Could have happened to me, too.



  235.  #235Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 5:57 pm

    The Lurker #81:

    “And secondly, I’m really not a good choice for a relationship right now, so you ladies shouldn’t waste any thoughts about me, pls”

    Wow…I read it …and I felt instantly turned off…:(

    and then I thought…

    Hmm…he seems guarded…uncomfortable with the attention…we are “virtual” anyhow…:( what relationhship is he talking about?

    He seems to not accept compliments openly…he seems defensive…oh…and ya…he thinks is a bit better than me maybe??!!!

    There is sure a trigger for him…the virtual attention…he might be suspicious of it…because of his “imaginary” online gf…:(

    I will still give u a warm hug though 🙂



  236.  #236Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 6:02 pm

    219: kaitlyn

    Gonzo Queens?? Ha! I love it! Have never heard that one.

    Serious time though: Sweetie, I wish so much for you that you can leave Adam in your dust. Are you CDing? Meeting anyone else who can replace him in your thoughts even if just for awhile?

    Like I said above, I have met 30+ men in four months, and I’m almost like, “Davis Who???” I know it’s hard when you really thought you dug someone, but it can be done. I am 100% totally and irrevocable with Rori on this…CDing really IS the solution for being hung up on one man.

    I just want you to see what we all see in you–you are lovely and deserving and a sweet soul. If Adam can’t see that…he’s not “the right man.”



  237.  #237kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Boomer,

    A cheater isn’t a sweet soul. But thank you and yes I’m trying to CD. Had a few dates here and there, but I felt nothing. Would’ve had more dates, but those guys stood me up.



  238.  #238Daria on April 25, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Lurker I’m gonna teach you something:

    First, never question the wisdom of Daria. 😉

    Never question the wisdom of any woman. Even if it seems like it’s the stupidest thing in the world, it’s not. She’s telling a truth.

    Second, there is never just for sex.

    Men do want a relationship w a woman, when they want to have sex w her. If she then behaved in a way their dream girl would, a man would feel happy w a woman he wanted to have sex w.

    See here is the secret which you’re not gonna get anyway, but it’s the truth. Listen: We Hypnotize You.

    So just know that. Our walk, our voices, they all hypnotize you when we are in our feminine. So we are your dreamgirl. We are irresistible, literally, in that mode… All we have to do is stay there, and youll be ours forever.



  239.  #239The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    #236 “he thinks is a bit better than me maybe?”
    There may be a grain of truth to the other stuff you wrote, Darling, but, this? Where did you get this idea???

    And I really think “guesswork about the Lurker” isn’t the topic of this blog!
    😛



  240.  #240Daria on April 25, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    It’s like pimpin for love instead of money 😉



  241.  #241The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 6:10 pm

    #239 You forget something, Daria: Too many dreamgirls here! And faced with an abundance of great alternatives, I have difficulties with making a decision.
    😛



  242.  #242Daria on April 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Women are the best at this, that’s why hardcore pimps are so feminine.

    We are beauuutiful

    Beautiiiful

    Hehe

    🙂



  243.  #243Darling Ella on April 25, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    The Lurker# 240:

    “And I really think “guesswork about the Lurker” isn’t the topic of this blog!”

    LOL…Sirens can change their minds often and unexpectedly about anything…including the topic and focus of the blog 🙂 Welcome to our World Darling 😉

    Warm hugs,



  244.  #244Daria on April 25, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    We are the air YOU need to breathe!

    Haha! Sux to be you Lurker! :P. Lol

    Jk

    It would feel fun to be a man too. To ne hypnotized by all this pussy.

    *****

    Ouch! That new post felt bad! I don’t want to be told I’m in competition w other women! :P. I am talking to You!

    Grrr. 🙁

    Ok I don’t want to talk to you now

    🙁

    Feelin mad.

    Angry.



  245.  #245Daria on April 25, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    I am savage!

    Hash! Hash!

    Slicing connections!

    Dropping communications!

    Like rocks in water!

    Harrrash!



  246.  #246Daria on April 25, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Now feeling Freaked guilty shame:

    O just jumped in w a thought about to Luther, and my girl was having a convo w him, an I may have picked up on her thoughts.

    Shame from past about flirting ok having a crush on my cousins guy.but I did!

    Dammit.

    Uff.

    Embarrassing humiliating and alone and throw up feelingy.



  247.  #247Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 6:22 pm

    Lucy and Daria, the posts you two were in disagreement about, I liked them both. I didn’t see where the misunderstanding came about, just two different opinions on the same subject. 🙂

    Boomer and Lily T, thanks! 🙂 I really am learning and applying.

    Scarlet, not sure what the post number was, but love your explanation of CD’ing!!! Thanks!



  248.  #248Amazing ME on April 25, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Lurker and Rusty, I have to say having you guys here really puts things in a new light 🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories. SO Sirens want to kno9w what makes you tick, tell us about you and your love life, if you cvre to share:)



  249.  #249Mel on April 25, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    Rusty, Turquoise3, Lurker, Femininepower, et al…

    Thanks for all of your responses. We were away for the weekend (not anything romantic, just visiting family). I really appreciate all of the advice.

    I feel like ranting and being angry for a bit… I feel like I have no where else to deal with my frustration.

    Rusty…
    I’m feeling really stuck and angry. I totally get what you are saying. And it seems like I’ve tried just about everything else, so doing nothing is worth a try. I’m just feeling frustrated that I have to sit around and be patient and keep the pressure low, when I feel like I’m about at my limit for patience. I know it’s all about control and I hate the feeling that I have none of it. I guess I’m feeling angry because it seems like I have to be so careful not to do anything to stress him out. The thing is I’m feeling pretty stressed out myself and it feels like no one’s got my back. It breaks my heart to feel like he knows how important this is to me but chooses to ignore my feelings. I can’t bring up the topic of sex with him (using feeling messages) without a massive resistance. So I will take your advice and back off completely. As hard as that is.

    Getting away for a whole weekend would be near impossible with his schedule, so doing some fun day activities is the best I can hope for right now.

    The thing is… he doesn’t act stressed out. He’s tired, yes. But he seems to thrive on working hard. I think he likes it actually. Fitting in time for me is the challenge. I don’t want to be demanding, but I think a marriage can’t thrive without quality time (sexual and otherwise) being a priority. If I’m “needy” for wanting sex with my husband and to do something fun with him once a week, than I’m not sure anyone could make him happy.

    At this very moment he’s requested his nightly “alone time.” This is frustrating me too because he does not even want me in the same room with him while he zones out with his computer. It feels insulting. I don’t understand.

    ——-

    Turquoise3: The thought that he may be holding back on sex because he’s “unsure” about us has crossed my mind as well. Especially since he’s been very reluctant to even hear my heartfelt concerns.

    ——
    Sorry for the venting. I sometimes feel like I need a safe place to do that. I certainly can’t talk about anything with him.



  250.  #250The Lurker on April 25, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    #245 “Sux to be you Lurker!”

    Oooh, that hurts, Daria! I just thought, it may be nice to get a better taste of you, and now you ruin everything!
    😛



  251.  #251Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    238. Kaitlyn, who here hasn’t cheated???

    My goodness…raise your hands Sirens and the Beastie Boyz (my name for Lurkie and Rusty–hee)….if you have NEVER cheated on a boyfriend or husband or partner??? NEVER? If you have not…well, then that’s great. But most people have I bet. Or were tempted to.

    Hell, confession time: I cheated on my first husband with the eventual second. NumberOne hadn’t touched me in 18 months (since I got pregnant with our second child)–so, extenuating circumstances, I think–but we ALL think our circumstances are extenuating at the time. He was the love of my life, but I felt devastated and so hurt that the man I loved to the exclusion of all all others did not find me attractive after I gave him two beautiful babies.

    Kaitlyn, girl…girl! Oh, I feel so mad at you. And I feel like I want to take care of you! I almost never talk to you because I want to show you tough love, but I also want you to show yourself some love.

    Here is the gentle thing I want to say to you:

    There are no MISTAKES. Just decisions made at one point in time with the information and resources we have on hand at that time. At the time you decided to go to Paris with the rich dude, you made a decision based on your feelings of not being appreciated by Adam, based on your financial resources, and based on your feelings about yourself at the time. Was it a wise decision? Probably not (who am I to judge–but based on your telling of it, it sounds like you regret it horribly). But you did it. There ya go. I did it too…I was unfaithful to my husband and two young babies (yes, I see it as cheating on my whole FAMILY), and believe me, I felt at one time that I paid for that karmically with the abusive second husband. But now I do not see the awful second marriage as “my payback.” I truly get that I was confused, desperately sad, desperately lonely, and so in need of some affection and love. Husband 2 gave that to me for a short time, and unfortunately, I married him because I felt GUILT and OBLIGATION. Ugh. Horrible, useless, self-pitying emotions. Marrying him seemed to legitimize what I had done. I married him to punish myself. Boy, did I succeed at that!

    So sweetie…oh…quit flagellating yourself over one questionable decision. One made in a tender time. One made based on your available resources at the time. Learn from it, sure…and try not to do something like that again. But FORGIVE yourself, Kaitlyn.

    I broke up a family with my infidelity. That’s a by-the-rules way of looking at things. But I have learned to love myself. I forgive myself. And my life is just as it was meant to be right now…and I would not be who I am without having made that “mistake” and sooooooooooo many others. All my triumphs and all my failures are part of my tapestry.

    Many many many people “cheat.” And frankly, we could all look at CDing as “cheating” if we wanted to. I think of it as sanctioned cheating, and I love it. “Cheating” implies an exclusivity that I’m not sure you and Adam had from what you’ve described–certainly not ring-on-finger-have-a-wedding-date Rori-style exclusivity. So, Kaitlyn….please please please, stop with the emotional self-mutilation. Frankly, and you may object to this, and so be it…Adam sounds like a total tool to me. In fact, he sounds like the entire toolbox. Uptight and kind of a weenie! 😉 Just my take on it though.

    You ARE a sweet soul. You want so much to be good. That’s better than most people who don’t even think about being “good people.”

    Know you are loved here and that we all want you to feel that for yourself too.

    Warm, loving, affectionate, and understanding hugs to you@



  252.  #252Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Ok girls, confession time, I did a thing, not a bad thing… but a leaning forward then practicing thing.

    Going to come clean…..

    So the guy who brought me here was Tom. We dated about two months, he started pulling away, I leaned forward, things slowed down, and then he poofed. I wasn’t in love with him, but hurt.

    So, last few weeks I’ve been feeling really good. My vibe is up. I’m on 2 dating sites, enjoying it, but not letting it overwhelm me. I had two dates Friday night, and have even cancelled a few. I’ve gone out with 4 other men since Tom. Nobody I felt as much of a connection with, but I really had fun with Mike Friday night. He made me laugh.

    SO anyways, haven’t been missing Tom, but he really doesn’t have many people in his life, and I have felt this need to contact him on his birthday (yesterday) because I really thought no one else might. And how sad that would be to be a human being in this world.. and nobody contact you.

    SO, yesterday morning leaned forward, sent him a text that said,

    Me: “Happy Birthday! Hope things are going well 🙂 ”

    I really didn’t expect to hear anything back from him, put my phone down, went about getting ready for Easter, and about 15 min. later he texted me back to say,

    Tom: “Thank you. I’m doing well. How are you doing?”

    Me: “Good. Glad for the long weekend.

    Tom: “Do you have big Easter plans?”

    Me: “Yes. Picking the girls up from their dad on my way to my brothers for dinner. Then dropping them back of til tomorrow. You?”

    Tom: “Going over to visit friends and family. I’ll text you later.” I was surprised he mentioned family, because he told me he and his mother hadn’t spoken in over a year.

    Me: “Have a nice time. Happy Easter”

    I didn’t really expect to hear back from him, didn’t matter really.. was busy with my family. About 6 hours later….

    Tom: What time will you be done with your Easter activities?

    Me: Pretty soon.

    Tom: Want to come over?

    Me: I don’t really feel like driving that far. I still have an hr. drive to get home. Do you want to come to my house?

    Tom: Ok. Let me know what time.

    So, Tom came over last night. I had no idea if I’d ask him why he poofed, or what would happen, but I wanted to experiment and see how it would go, how I felt seeing him etc. Practice!!!

    So, he came over, brought some movies, asked how my daughters birthday was, commented on Glory’s haircut (my dog) asked how I’d been, we talked about work.. but didn’t bring up that I hadn’t heard from him. He touched me a few times, but I didn’t initiate anything affectionate. We watched the movie, discussed it and what we thought was happening, felt like I was just watching it with a friend… not someone I really had any history with. I just kept noticing how I felt, noticing that he still looked handsome, but not up on his pedestal like before…. a nice man, but not quite the catch I’d made him out to be. A little old/tired…. but I felt comfortable with him, and let him put his arm around me. I snuggled up against him, listening to his heartbeat, and enjoyed the physical comfort. We started kissing, had quite a makeout session, but no sex. The chemistry and connection are great, I love the way he touches me. BUT I didn’t feel triggered at all to try to get him back in a relationship or to make him like me, think I was different, nothing. I just enjoyed the moment. I did have some NV’s telling me he was just there for sex, it was his birthday, he didn’t have plans… may not hear from him again… and I felt a little ashamed, why would I want him there if he didn’t want to date me? I told my NV’s to shut up, enjoyed the moment, and feel good about it today!!!

    We talked for awhile before he left and he opened up more than he ever had before about his mom, and he’d seen her that day. I was so happy to hear that, because it made me very sad he didn’t talk to his mother. I asked about his friend David, and he smiled and told me all about him, I saw him as a person. Before I saw him as a potential mate, future husband, family memeber, step parent…. not just as a man. It was so interesting.

    He told me how nice to was to see me again when he left and I said for me too. He texted me a bit today, asked if I missed having sex with him. I said yes, he said yes too. But the thing is, I don’t have all these emotions attached to him anymore, and it’s only been about 5 weeks. I feel really good about this, not hurt or disappointed, I think maybe I’ve healed some stuff in me… and Tom helped me see that in myself.

    What do you sirens and men think? Mistake or learning experience???



  253.  #253Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Oh snap!

    A dude who pursued me relentlessly on Plenty o’ Fish several months ago and whom I met for dinner once (he never called after) just emailed me on there again–I added some new pictures, sure, but the old ones are still there and the profile is the same.

    He tells me how gorgeous I am and how he’d love to meet a woman like me.

    I wrote him back and said, “Tom (because I knew his name). Seriously? You HAVE met a woman like me…in fact, you’ve met ME. Remember? Carnitas and margaritas at Acapulco in XXXX? Seriously, dude?”

    It was snarky, I know, even downright bitchy, but, come on! I guess two-dimensional me makes a much better impression than RL me. Ah well…

    Stuff like this makes online dating fun/funny. Another story for my book…



  254.  #254LD on April 25, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Does change cause more change? Because ever since I met D and decided to be exclusive, my life as I knew it has been turning upside down. I am facing major changes and decisions in every other area of my life right now-3 other major ones in 3 weeks. Some positive, some the jury is still out on.

    I feel scared and overwhelmed…



  255.  #255LD on April 25, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Turquoise,

    What an awesome experience! I had a similar one with THE EX that left me realizing how much I had healed and grown. It felt so good! After that, I started treating all of my CDs that way-just being present in the moment and seeing them as men and not potential mates. It makes dating so much more enjoyable!



  256.  #256Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    LD, thanks! I can’t believe how different my outlook is… I’m sure part of it is because I’m not really thinking about him being the one, or caught up in trying to turn it into a relationship… but if I can maintain this vibe… I think my lovelife will take a turn for the better 🙂

    I do think change can bring more changes, a lot sometimes. When my divorce went through and I was finally single, my LTR (guy I’d been dating for about a year and a half, and I broke up) I got a new job, and had some financial issues. Can to share anymore of what’s going on???

    SO happy though that you have someone special in your life while you deal with whatever has come up. 🙂



  257.  #257Brenda on April 25, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    Prairie Girl,

    RE: #111 – You said, “That’s why I’ve made my request of God that I have…that they’re not allowed to come if they are not beneficial.. or if they are going to have a negative effect… then I can kinda laugh about the situations that keep them from coming…”

    Wow, I love everything you said in your post about this. What’s interesting is I’ve been coming to the same conclusion. The way I worded it is it feels like I have a spiritual barrier around me. Hardly any men can get in. It feels like I’m invisible. For the amount of attention I get from men, you’d think I hadn’t showered in a month! I trust God that He is protecting and preserving me. It’s hard sometimes tho. 🙁



  258.  #258Brenda on April 25, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    Evan, Evan, Evan…

    LOL! Just testing the moderation device. It’s so much fun! I like to be bad! Bad is the new good! 😆



  259.  #259LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    Turquoise,

    I asked for the best and most happiness for me and my kids and within weeks I met D, who has been simply amazing.

    Then my oldest kid got a unique educational offer and my youngest another unique offer. The problem is, the offer the oldest got, while a fantastic opportunity for him and his future, means he would go live with his father, which is not so great news for me.

    The offer the youngest got, while fantastic for him, means I can no longer accept a promotion my company offered me which included a move to another state. Because of that, my career path has basically just taken 4 steps backward if I stay in this town. So I now have to decide to accept an entirely different (lower) type of job within my company or go find work somewhere else.

    I just feel so overwhelmed with this much change happening all at once.



  260.  #260Brenda on April 25, 2011 at 7:13 pm

    Evan,

    I have some questions…

    Why do you go by Evan Marc Katz and not just Evan Katz?

    Do you like teddy bears?



  261.  #261LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    turquoise,

    absolutely beautiful post to Mel. I’m crying again…



  262.  #262Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 7:19 pm

    Oh LD I understand. Wow, that is a lot to process. Would D be able to move with you if you are thinking long term with him? Maybe the universe is trying to keep you where you are so that relationship has time to bloom?

    How old is your oldest? Living with his father, is it even a reasonable thing to consider? How far is that from you? I worry someday my girls will want to live with their dad, that he’ll live some exciting place, he will probably have more financial to offer them unless my career would really take off…. it’s scary to not think of having your kids with you everyday, even if they’d be in a good situation.



  263.  #263Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Thanks LD 🙂 It’s easy to write when the story mirrors my own so closely. I feel Mel’s pain, because I was there. I remember wondering how I could feel so alone in my own home, when my husband was there with me. He’d lock himself in his office and gamble online, look at porn, play computer games… the last year of my marriage was a joke. Yet, I STAYED, always hoping it would get better, but I completely gave up on trying to change things. I just hoped.



  264.  #264LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    turquoise,

    I have felt signs the universe is trying to keep me here even though I have wanted to move for years now and it just never works out, so that is a possibility. Especially since D WAS farther away and then HIS job unexpectedly transferrred him closer to HERE right when I met him. That and my youngest’s offer are both positive things. The negatives are the possibility of my oldest moving away (and his dad lives halfway across the world in another country!) and having to rethink my future plans with my career.

    I do see how the job change could turn out to be positive. I could have a more open schedule that would free up more nights and weekends to spend with D and my youngest, who would be alone for the first time in his life without his brother, but it would mean giving up what I’ve worked so hard for the past few years and rethinking everything. I don’t like making decisions or change anyway, so that in itself is also stressful.

    I want so much to believe that the universe is putting into motion the changes that will bring us all the most happiness in the long run, but the changes to get there are scary.



  265.  #265Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    Wow, LD. So much to chew on. I’ll send positive happy-feelies that you get the guidance you need.

    I believe that it’s ours to ask for…the guidance.



  266.  #266LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    thanks Boomer,

    I appreciate that so much. I’m definitely feeling overwhelmed today.



  267.  #267Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    LD, ouch, halfway around the world… how old is he? I’m with boomer, sending happy vibes to you! Where do you live now? Georgia right?



  268.  #268T-Girl on April 25, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Oh wow LD. Sorry to hear about the stuff that is overwhelming you today. Wish I had words of comfort for you. Good thoughts coming your way…



  269.  #269Susan on April 25, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    I’ve read all the way down to 214 and I gotta say I like having these guys here!



  270.  #270LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    turquoise,

    he’s 16. I live in SC and his dad is in Europe.



  271.  #271LD on April 25, 2011 at 7:51 pm

    thanks for the good vibes TGirl



  272.  #272Susan on April 25, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Boomer asked:

    “My goodness…raise your hands Sirens and the Beastie Boyz (my name for Lurkie and Rusty–hee)….if you have NEVER cheated on a boyfriend or husband or partner??? NEVER? If you have not…well, then that’s great. But most people have I bet. Or were tempted to. ”

    **Raises hand**

    I have been tempted to cheat, but never have. I came close once and had a panic attack.



  273.  #273Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm

    Camile, thank you for your note to Daria and me – I feel heard and affirmed by it and I hope Daria does too. Also, your marriage sounds so much like mine – and so does your relationship with your ex-h now.



  274.  #274Susan on April 25, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    253: Turquoise3

    I think you handled that BEAUTIFULLY.



  275.  #275Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    Boomer and Caitlyn, I was tempted once to kiss someone while I was married, but I didn’t do it. However, I did cheat on a boyfriend with my ex after I was separated. I felt terrible, felt like my new relationship was doomed to fail because of what I’d done. It did fail, but not because I slept with my ex, whom I was actually still legally married to… but because the relationship wasn’t right.

    Kaitlyn, I agree with Boomer and have said this before, you are being way too hard on yourself. I hope you can find your way past some of this blame and do some CD’ing, where you are actually open to a positive outcome. 🙂



  276.  #276Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 8:06 pm

    LD, I feel surprised and secretly delighted that you asked for “best happiness” for you and your kids and then your guy arrived – bc we so often hear that happiness isn’t “supposed to” come that way. I feel happy about your happiness. 🙂



  277.  #277Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Susan… which part Tom?



  278.  #278Patience on April 25, 2011 at 8:08 pm

    Great info! yes, I agree that it is good to have a man’s persective, too.

    My man demanded exclusivity even though he wouldn’t commit to a long term relationship. He was so much better than the other prospects I had at the time, I decided to focus on him for as long as it lasted. I made a lot of the mistakes E. mentioned: “the BEST way to make the guy WANT to commit to you is to NOT freak out, NOT talk about where things are going, NO push for commitment, and just as importantly, NOT openly date other guys, which undermines all sense of trust and the feeling that he’s somehow special.” My guy and E. seem cut from the same cloth in these ways.

    Different men respond to different things, so there isn’t really a one size fits all.

    My guy invited me to join him and our daughter for dinner and we had a pleasant time. I have been wanting to steal a kiss, but haven’t had the opportunity. I did manage a bit of a shoulder rub while I was talking closely to him about something, and he didn’t flinch, so I took that as a good sign! We went by the store and he bought 3 bags of groceries to send home with me. I guess it is a good thing that he is so generous? I know it is mostly for the benefit of our daughter, though. Still, he bought me supper and didn’t have to. I posted on the other blog today but I think everyone had already moved here.

    I am glad I joined him for supper, even though he didn’t ask me ahead of time.



  279.  #279Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    Patience, I’m sorry, I don’t know your whole story. But, I think if you already have a daughter together, and he’s not persuing you right now for a relationship… it’s ok to relax a little about the not asking ahead of time. If you are free when he asks, and you feel good about spending time with him, then do what feels good. If you have other plans, just say, oh sorry… I already made other plans. Maybe next time.

    I wouldn’t steal a kiss…. inspire him to kiss you!!! 🙂



  280.  #280Daria on April 25, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    What’s a gonzo queen



  281.  #281Brenda on April 25, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    I want to be a wife and a mother.

    Does falling in love have to be this difficult?? Really? I don’t want to be single anymore.



  282.  #282Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Hi everyone!

    Lucy – thanks, yeah it feels bad and I’m glad you’re always here working through it. I want this to be your time, and you to have some dates – as you wish, tho. lol, and hugs!

    Lurker – I’m wondering if you are still un-liking me? I’m feeling you get very triggered and sounding more and more fem – instead of sensitive. Just a lot of judgements from being here. Which we all get, and I’m trying not to judge it. But sometimes I read what you say and just go “ouch!” Seems lopsided in favor of some and not others and just like the whole sex thing triggers you big time. It’s great to have an opinion, great to feel your truth, but not so great to actually think we can be held accountable to it. If you wanna hear me…

    Turquoise!! Loving you…and I had a feeling the engagement wasn’t going well…sad for him, but sounding good in all ways for you!

    I’ve never cheated. When I was 19 I had a boyfriend and we made a deal we’d tell if we wanted to mess around, so when I did, I told him…..13 years later he was still talking about how it’d blown his mind.

    Then, with “X” I’d just break up with him when I wanted to…haha…

    but I’m liking the whole Kaitlynn changes. Sounds really intense and good to me – it’s been an honor to be around!

    And LD – glad to have you here. If you’re from Georgia, I’ve done you a disservice on FB cuz I wasn’t sure who was who, and I apologize abjectly!

    I like it when you’re here.

    So much going on!!

    wow



  283.  #283Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    I feel excited and pleased to see many of you exploring and articulating the nuances and complexities of CDing – something near and dear to my heart but difficult to write about via phone!



  284.  #284Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Rusty – I’d originally asked if you were a coach cuz Rori said some on here were coaches….but I think you are so level headed and consistent. I don’t agree with a lot of what you say – sounds old school to me, but also wise. And I love how good you are at “doing” disagreement. I hope you do pursue helping people in some way, I think you might have a calling to it. What do you think?



  285.  #285Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 8:24 pm

    Oh Susan, saw you wrote 253, which was my Tom post. Thanks! I feel good about it. I can’t believe it… lol. 🙂



  286.  #286Pamelala on April 25, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Hi ladies! I’m sorry that I’ve been AWOL for almost two months now. I just wanted to pop in and let you know what’s been going on here in CO.

    Things with P sort of petered out and we haven’t seen each other in over a month. It’s over and I’m fine with that. The distance has brought a lot of clarity and I know that we would never be good together. I need to be with someone who is gregarious and assertive and willing to be the man in the relationship.

    I dated several guys from various online sites, but wasn’t finding any joy in it. So, I decided to stop passively chasing (as I see it) using online sites and am just living my life believing, for now, that if I am supposed to be with someone, or two, or three, that he/they will show up. Until then, I’m having fun CDing myself and my friends.

    I’m also engrossed in a new journey. I’ve decided that it’s time that I get healthy. I’m tired of walking around beating up on myself for being overweight. I’m tired of not being able to keep up with my friends when we go hiking. I’m tired of feeling self-conscious all the time. So, I’ve started taking some steps to change things.

    As a result, I’ve started a new blog at http://www.montygal.wordpress.com where I share my journey in hopes that others might be encouraged and find support. I would love it if you would check it out and subscribe to the blog or follow me on facebook. There are links from the site or you can find me on FB at “Lady Losing It”

    I’m going to try to be more intentional about popping back here on occassion to see if there is some way I can offer help an ear. I’ve missed you all and hope you’re doing well!

    I wonder if anyone has heard from Nancy since she got married. I’d love to hear how she’s doing!!

    K…gotta scoot. Peace!
    Pam



  287.  #287Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    and – about self validating – you know when I think about it, ALL of Rori’s work is a form of self validating to me. And it’s all baby stepping and allowing….so maybe we can all self validate and feel good. That’s my vision!



  288.  #288Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 8:26 pm

    Jacqueline 285 – what do you mean by “as you wish tho”?



  289.  #289kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Daria 283,

    There are 2 types of porn. 1) Features. The entire dvd is a movie with a story line. Like a real movie but with sex scenes. Those companies have contract girls. 2) Gonzo. The dvd is 5 different scenes that’s just sex (except for maybe a 2 min pre-sex in form of ‘hey, pizza boy’s here!’ or the girl being interviewed.) The scenes have nothing to do with each other; kinda like a collection of short stories. This is the most common and most popular type of porn. The sex is also usually more hardcore than features.



  290.  #290Daria on April 25, 2011 at 8:29 pm

    Mph

    ManCDcalled first time after his outburst

    And he attacked me. I said I don’t want to he attacked. Then he apologized for last time.

    Then he’s like blaming me. I felt blamed.

    And I said I Do feel bad, I’ma get off the phone.

    Then he says alright, and I felt sad

    Now I just realized he lied about something, small

    Mmmf that feels sad too

    Cuz he was so on about honesty. 🙁

    Well I feel dissapointed.

    I feel sad

    And I feel good.

    I’m running past patterns.

    🙂

    I said no and walked away.

    Go me.

    I feel good about that and I also feel SSS and heartache



  291.  #291Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    oooh, I love me some Gonzo!! thanks K!



  292.  #292Brenda on April 25, 2011 at 8:31 pm

    Cutest! Live puppy cam! Newborns! Awww!

    http://www.ustream.tv/sfshiba



  293.  #293Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Thanks J!! Love to be here. Yes, sad for him, but I don’t think he really is ready to get married again. Not just how he acts with me sometimes, but he’s put her off a few times, she wanted to get married last year before he deployed and he said no. He wants a prenup. etc. She’s young, not sure this is a good match for either of them. I bet he’ll tell her to keep the ring though, and it’s got to be worth at least 8 grand. It’s huge!

    Jilly… where the heck are you? Materialize please! 🙂

    Alonka, still missing your voice here 🙁

    SLV, hope you come back to us!

    And, I also spent time with friends and family this weekend. My sisters and I went to a movie, I went out for drinks with family and a friend Saturday night, I saw my girls and my family on Easter… I checked in on a friend who just broke off her engagement. My vibe feels good… like I’m ready for anything right now.



  294.  #294Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:34 pm

    Lucy – as you wish, meaning if you still have your profile down, I understand, but I so want some more great date stories…and great guy names, and some more sensitive poet songsingers for you….I just feel strongly that I want some joy and happiness for you, that it’s your time and your turn. Don’t know why or when this happened, no I do. I’ve been feeling that way for maybe two months. Like you came so close to the brass ring with WH…and then you had to let go and you did it well, and you’ve remained open to all ideas of love and now…it’s your time – to get the love, to get the reward…

    what do you think? garden flower….



  295.  #295Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:38 pm

    oh, Turquoise, yes that’s what I felt – HE wasn’t ready and I was just fixing to write out

    JILLY’s name too!!! where are you, darlingest?

    and SLV it’ll NEVER be the same without you –

    and Alonka!!! hugs!

    and I think you sound good, and are on a great track and for me – I always stay on good terms with my exes…one wrote and thanked me for my part in making him who he is today – a free spirit, lol….it’s another way of being a Siren, to me.

    Yeah bluegreen!! girl….



  296.  #296kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Boomer,

    Just read your post. I’m crying now. I don’t know what to say because I don’t know how I’m thinking or feeling. All I know is you made me feel supported, but if you knew Adam, you’d know he dedicated his next published book to me, he pushed for exclusivity, he told me stuff he told no one else, he intro’d me to his friends right away, he gave me motivational advice on my photo career, so much…And I also know everyone is probably wondering why the twig in a sleeveless ACDC tshirt is crying into her salad and black coffee. Gotta go. Supposed to pick up my friend so we can get his car from the mechanic so he can go to the dentist tomorrow while I’m at work.



  297.  #297kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Boomer,

    And when people don’t comment on my post (unless I ask), I don’t feel ignored. I just figure they don’t have advice for me. Nothing wrong with that.



  298.  #298Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Did SLV formally check out, as in declare her intentions to be blog-free for a time? I know I did it–I was pissy and tired–and then got sick.

    And Alonka? Did she do a blog poof too?

    I love this place intermittently. It feels like emotional Weight Watchers to me. When I do WW seriously, I get REALLY into it and I do so well–for a time. But then I hit a wall where all I am thinking about is food, and it seems counterproductive to focus so much on it. I do better for a time if I stop tracking my points, stop writing down every freaking bite, and stop obsessing over the fiber in one Cheeto (as if there were any).

    Online dating is my bag of Cheetos. This blog is my Weight Watchers. Sometimes I have to step away to get a fresh look. Then I come back more committed.

    But even though I am blog-ambivalent at times, I do love all of my Sirens. Rusty and Lurker–still not sure how I feel about men on here, but so far I feel welcoming and see how you’ve really contributed and helped. You seem to be good blog citizens. Not that you need MY approval or permission, certainly, but while I’m talking about my blog dynamic, you are a part of that now that has changed for me. I’m still ruminating on you. Leaning toward pleased 🙂



  299.  #299Brenda on April 25, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    Boomer,

    RE: #301 – Love your analogy! The blog is my pacifier…as I sit home alone night after night.

    I like men on here, cuz then I can flirt. 😆



  300.  #300Patience on April 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    Turquoise3 #282

    Yeah, I agree with all you said. I am going by my gut, but like I said in my post in the last blog, I don’t like being an “afterthought”. He told me yesterday that he wanted to see our daughter for suppertime, but sometimes he invites me and sometimes he doesn’t. He doesn’t owe me supper.

    I am wanting to rebuild a connection with him, so it is in my best interest to spend as much time as possible with him. I need to lean back in some ways– I call him too often, for example.

    I wish I could inspire him to kiss me!!! It has been over 2 years! I’ll look up my posts on the other blog in case you want to read about my story and offer other advice.



  301.  #301Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    Brenda – bad is the new good??? Love it! and you!



  302.  #302kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 8:52 pm

    294 Jacqueline

    The ‘Tales of Perversity’ series from years back is one of my faves. Half were female directed.



  303.  #303Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:55 pm

    Oh, wow – Pamelala’s blog is hilarious – the bit about taking pictures…and the first one is so confusing and then it’s her best tip ever…funny and meaningful both.

    Welcome back Pamelala….and good for you!



  304.  #304janjune on April 25, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    “Writing this I’m realizing that ManCD, who I was attracted to, was NOT A GUY I WAS ‘INTO’, RATHER I WAS INTO MYSELF AND MY DREAMS AND HE AFFIRMED ME. And that felt good.”

    BRILLIANT! Daria,
    i think you just bundled the whole program into one concept. thank you.



  305.  #305Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Kaitlyn do you know Fantasti.cc? free stuff and real people and all my “fans” lol…

    once, tho I watched this “Gag her” video and wrote to the guys and said I hope no women were harmed in the making of this video or I can’t like it!! They never wrote back. Some of the stuff looks soooo painful and then the girl gets a face full and looks like the cat that caught the canary.

    It’s confusing! And thanks for the recommendation – it kind of seems like it was a phase. Now that I’m feeling the love for my guy, not all into it.

    But my bff totally and drolly said – when I all excitedly explained how you can just have the laptop RIGHT THERE on the bed with you…that now we know why laptops were invented!



  306.  #306Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:01 pm

    Kaitlyn…I so wanted to reach out and hug you. I’m sorry I called Adam a weenie. I have issues with quiet,”taciturn,” by-the-book guys though.

    I see you dating someone dynamic an alive and FUN! Who lets you just be YOU. Hell, I see ME dating that guy too! I’ll fight ya for him!

    I hope your salad has some protein. Tuna? Chickpeas? Maybe get yourself a sammich too, honey! LOL…I am food obsessed right now, sorry (started back on WW–wanna lose 20-30 more!).

    Maybe some Cheetos???

    Anyhoo, Kaitlyn, now I’m just trying to make you laugh. Wish we lived close–I’d take you out with me and Annie Clyde, and we’d be three freaking hotties on the town, girl! We’d make you smile for sure, because we are irreverent, sassy, fabulous and ALL THAT. It might suck for me though–gorgeous Black Barbie who used to work a pole and gorgeous ex-porn star…and little suburban corporate mommy me. Who would I be if I were a doll…maybe Dora the Explorer, but grown up and with child-bearing hips???

    Hugs…



  307.  #307Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    Pamelala…welcome back! Missed you, girl!

    Will check you out on the blogosphere!



  308.  #308Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 9:05 pm

    Boomer – hi girl…Pamelala’s blog is about losing weight….it’s cool. I’ve been debating WW or TOPS…or therapy?!!

    Kirstie Ally lost like 15 pounds since last week – wow, I thought it was my imagination but then she said that was why she came out of her shoe.

    She’s exactly my height and size…



  309.  #309Patience on April 25, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    Turquoise 3
    I looked up my posts on the other blog “Why are you there” April 21, in case you want to read about my story and offer other advice. #702, 715, 727, 773, 774, 814, 920, 991 and 1124 and maybe I missed some



  310.  #310Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:09 pm

    I just visited it Pamelala. You are so hilarious! I love it!

    If I started a blog, I’d never get any work done. I love writing so much.

    I’m envious of/proud of/inspired by you!!!



  311.  #311LD on April 25, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Jacqueline,

    I’m from SC. What do you mean, grave disservice on FB? I feel curious as to what that means?



  312.  #312Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 9:12 pm

    Who would I be if I were a doll…maybe Dora the Explorer, but grown up and with child-bearing hips???

    Boomer….LOL… OMG. You are too much, thank goodness I wasn’t drinking when I read that because I just laughed outloud!

    And I love the weight watchers analogy, and the bag of fritos…lol. Perfect. I agree, good to take a step back now and then. SLV said she thought she might have to leave the blog for work reasons, but then said she’d still lurk or write under another name…. but then something happened, I missed it, but she left. Alonka, I don’t know what happened to her, but I hope she comes back.



  313.  #313Turquoise3 on April 25, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    I really should get to bed, 7 will be here too quickly… I would love to stay up and chat with you ladies, but I need to take better care of myself, and that includes rest.

    Goodnight lovely ladies 🙂

    Patience, I’ll read up on you tomorrow 🙂



  314.  #314Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    LD – someone friended me on FB and didn’t want to tell me their RR name, and I unfriended them. FB for me is pretty private, and I made this promise to myself to actually “know” everyone I friended. So if you or anyone has friended me without a personal message, it’s been declined.

    Except for some really interesting artist guys, haha…

    but in general, it’s not for promotion or business it’s just for me and I do like to keep it real…



  315.  #315LD on April 25, 2011 at 9:20 pm

    Jacqueline,

    It wasn’t me, but feel free to add me if you want. I feel pretty certain we have some mutual friends on there. Summerbaby, PG, Lilybelle and Tinque for sure. Any of them can tell you who I am on there.

    And I agree about the FB thing. I have my parents, kids, boyfriend and all my work colleagues on there, so the last thing I want is any reference made to the blog. It’s my only sanctuary from all of the people in my life who are constantly trying to run my life. LOL.



  316.  #316Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Thanks LD – I never post on walls of RR people – except Katarina and a few others, but it’s cool to message with. And get a glimpse of us in real life.

    And, time for this little chick to go nest up too….so see you all bright and early – around 2 p.m. ish…

    heee…

    Sweet dreams everyone!



  317.  #317Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    Hi, Jacqueline. I owe you an email. When I find the medium’s biz card in the unholy mess of a bottomless snake pit (aka “my purse”), I will email you her contact info.

    I know several psychics, intuitives, and mediums personally. Some are better than others. Some seem like fakers to me–maybe they have a gift, but they’ve turned it on its ear for profit…but this woman…she was unassuming and shy and new to her gift. And she was the best reading I’ve ever had. She just seemed sincere. And very spot on for me and my date. I don’t really pursue readings, and I take them with a grain of salt usually, but she presented a picture of my parents that was very real for me. Even if it’s “not true,” it was healing for me, so in my book, that’s all good.

    Here are some interesting things she said:

    – My mom apologized for not being the mom I wanted–she did not know how to show love, but she is so proud of how I am raising my kids. She wishes she had known how to be more affectionate and open with me.
    -My dad is humored by my current life and is happy that I am reveling in my free-spiritedness now. He is protecting me from “verbal daggers” from a group of pesky women at work.
    -Mom says a new job is mine for the asking–I need some training/a class, and then I can propose it and get lots more money and challenge.
    – I need to stop asking the Universe to send me my mate. I have asked (and asked and asked). My angels have to start over each time, which is delaying his arrival. Thought that was hilarious (Me: “I want a tall guy who is smart and sexy and kind and funny and charming and rich..and…and…” Universe: “We get it. I said we GET IT!”)
    -My younger son needs to not look up to my older son as much–he’s leading him into “too cool” waters that my younger son can’t handle. (Things like, “Boy Scouts is gay, dude”…and my younger boy did not join as a result).
    – My older boy “needs to wear a raincoat.” Advice from his grandfather. Greaaaaat…I’m so not ready to be a grandmother!
    -My older daughter acts like she tells me everything but she does not. My littlest daughter will be the light of my life forever, and is going to be a teacher.
    -My older sister, who died in childbirth, and after whom I was named, is around me. We are a blend of her spirit and mine, which is why I am…ahem…”a handful.” My father said she had to pass so I could come through. He says he could not have handled both of us!

    Like I said..interesting, fun, healing, fascinating… who knows what is true or “real,” but it was fascinating.

    Oh, and I suspect the reiki dissolved my kidney stones. Not so much as a twinge since last weekend. We shall see…



  318.  #318T-Girl on April 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    How did you guys find each other on Facebook without giving out your identity on here? I would love to FB you guys, but am also very nervous about making any reference to the blog. In fact, I recently FB’d that Jonathan guy that had an article on here not too long ago but he had a link to the blog article on his FB page so I didn’t feel comfortable keeping it and deleted it right away.



  319.  #319LD on April 25, 2011 at 9:34 pm

    TGirl,

    you can email me at CarolinaGirl2011@ymail.com and send me your FB link or real name and I can add you. That’s the email address I use for internet blogging/dating.



  320.  #320janjune on April 25, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    hi Tmizz,

    love your thoughts #148 about circular dating.
    that’s pretty much exactly the way i feel about dating, sex, even phone calls and emails…

    I made the mistake of letting my husband (now ex) talk me into discussing other relationships with him and ooooh i will never do that again with a man.

    for one thing, i felt violated by him prying but we were newly married and it seemed really important to him to talk about it. but in retrospect, i can see that it seeming so important to him should have been a warning even though the way he justified wanting to know seemed semi-reasonable at the time.

    so now i feel like my business is Mine.
    a man’s business is His.
    I will not ask.
    i will not tell. 🙂
    it was before I met him or before our committment to one another, so I don’t care.

    i care very much going forward though, after a committment has been made…



  321.  #321Boomer on April 25, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Wow. Was my psychic-babble weird? I just realized that may make me look really flaky…

    Going to bed…



  322.  #322T-Girl on April 25, 2011 at 9:39 pm

    Thanks LD – just sent you an e-mail.



  323.  #323Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    Boomer – no it was fascinating and thank you!!

    My realest reader passed away, and I was the last phone call she made about 10 minutes prior – she left me a voice mail. Everyone else just seems fake compared to the Incomparable Rita! and I was used to getting readings regularly and having info that was unguessable thrown in….so I’m really looking forward to it and glad you found it healing. I love the things she said about your children, too. My BFF’s daughter actually changed the name of her daughter to match the initials Rita saw, when no one even knew the daughter was pregnant!! And it is a huge GIFT! Thank you so much…

    T-girl, you find people by their email – I’m jlinaangel@yahoo.com but stick a message with it if you want to friend me, ‘kay? and thank you!!

    Manana everyone, lotsa love and hugs…

    J



  324.  #324LD on April 25, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    TGirl,

    sent you a FB request

    Jacqueline-sending you one too.

    wish I could find a good reader with all of the changes happening right now!!!



  325.  #325T-Girl on April 25, 2011 at 9:54 pm

    Jacqueline – just sent you a FB request but it didn’t let me send a message with it.



  326.  #326LD on April 25, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Jacqueline,

    There’s no place for a personal message on your friend request form. But LD is also my initials….



  327.  #327LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:00 pm

    I find it interesting that I feel strong desires to have another glass of wine, (when I’m already at my comfortable limit tonight) eat junk food (when I’m not hungry) or have sex with D (who is not here) as a relief to the stress I’m feeling about my son and my job. Addictive personality triggers I was not aware of before. HMMMMM…. maybe I got the guy but still need more work and healing in other areas?



  328.  #328LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    wow Jacqueline and TGirl!!!!

    Both of you are just so pretty with such a sassy vibe!!!!



  329.  #329janjune on April 25, 2011 at 10:10 pm

    hi lurker,

    from your recent comments it seems like the “women dating four men and having sex with all of them” issue is still on your mind.

    i do have to tell you that i personally don’t know any women who WOULD. a far more likely scenario is for us to “attach” if we sleep with a man just once. usually, if we liked him and slept with him, we’re going to like him alot *more* and not even WANT to be with anyone else.
    of course this isn’t the case for every woman, but i feel safe saying “for the majority of women”.
    so this, then, is the issue alot of us here are wrestling with… attaching to men who don’t want to be attached to… as opposed to having totally unattached in-the-moment jungle sex with every tom dick and harry that we find attractive…

    HOWEVER! I do personally advocate that if a woman WANTS to jump into bed and screw her eyeballs out of their sockets for the just plain pleasure and fun of it with alot of different men she should have every right to do so without being labeled Just like men have that right within society and aren’t labeled… 🙂 …i’m a child of the sixties/seventies … what can i say? 🙂



  330.  #330LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:14 pm

    janjune,

    I agree with you completely. I had a no sex boundary when I was CDing for my own sanity, but I don’t feel it’s fair that a sexually promiscuous man is applauded as a “stud”, while an equally promiscuous woman is demeaned as a “slut”. It shouldn’t be a double standard IMO.



  331.  #331LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    While I was CDing, I actually HOPED I could get to the point of sleeping with more than one CD at a time, but the closest I got was feeling attracted to 2 of them at the same time before I slept with D. I never did sleep with ministerCD. I felt like that would be the epitome of rockstarness if I could do that and not feel attached to the outcome with any of them….



  332.  #332Jacqueline on April 25, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    LD and T Girl, thank you – you are lovely, both of you and it feels good to have you as friends!

    Janjune…ditto on the 70’s. And ditto on the right to do it without censure, without labels, without comparrison…. even when we don’t, smile. Good to have you back!

    and g’nite all



  333.  #333janjune on April 25, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    hi turquoise3,
    love your name.

    ” I saw him as a person. Before I saw him as a potential mate, future husband, family memeber, step parent…. not just as a man. It was so interesting. ”

    this sounds like a very good place to be! bet he could feel it too 🙂



  334.  #334LD on April 25, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    OK, I guess I am alone on the blog, so I will go to bed now and try to sleep. I’m going to ask for a peaceful mind over this job decision…



  335.  #335janjune on April 25, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    hi ld,

    i actually don’t think of it as promiscuous (?), it just seems like a private matter that every person decides for themselves to me, you know what i mean?
    whether they will or won’t with who how much? always and only that person’s own decisions and their own business… imo

    i really thought society had moved away from viewing women who choose to have sex on their own terms as sluts, guess not…

    lol
    i’ve been out of circulation for quite a while 🙂



  336.  #336janjune on April 25, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    goodnight jacq

    goodnight ld

    goodnight goddesses



  337.  #337Tmizz on April 25, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    I have never cheated nor been cheated on, to my knowledge. I’ve never had the opportunity, and I just don’t operate that way. If I ever felt like I was “cheated on,” then it was because my partner(s) were giving more attention to another woman friend than I was comfortable with, but it wasn’t “cheating” per se.

    Elizabeth – Hello to a fellow MT! I agree with what you said, and it really resonates with me, too.

    I’ve also noticed, recently, that a lot of men, on their profiles that I read, express that they are sort of jaded or cynical about the online dating thing. But they keep “signing up for more”…Kind of like me, i guess.



  338.  #338janjune on April 25, 2011 at 10:55 pm

    i think this one concept embodies this whole program for me right now:

    “…AND HE AFFIRMED ME”.

    yes.

    …he wasn’t looking for something, trying to get, trying to get away from, wasn’t distracted, trapped, scared, bored, disinterested, “somewhere else”, or *with* somebody else.
    he was there, *with* me, saw me and affirmed.
    he said yes.
    that makes him safe to let in a bit.
    that makes him available.
    now it’s my turn.
    do i want what he’s offering?
    does it add to and not take away?
    does it feel harsh, like a grinding on my spirit?
    or open to infinity?



  339.  #339Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:01 pm

    I haven’t cheated either. But I did break an engagement/relationship bc I was tempted by someone else and slept with him and then wanted to get back with the first guy again and marry him but he was too heartbroken and angry at me. He was a very good man.



  340.  #340janjune on April 25, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    boomer,

    this is hysterical 🙂

    “I do better if I … stop obsessing over the fiber in one Cheeto (as if there were any).”

    rofl

    maybe i should try ww if it really works. i’d like to drop 20 lbs. but will prob do that as soon as i start working in the yard… whenever it stops raining cats and dogs. still good yo know that ww really works.



  341.  #341Meemee on April 25, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    i worked the whole of yesterday.
    feeling happy about it.
    daria, thanks for yesterday’s post.
    meemee



  342.  #342janjune on April 25, 2011 at 11:03 pm

    hi lucy 🙂



  343.  #343Tmizz on April 25, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    So, I had two dates this past weekend, and I am EXHAUSTED! I mean, mentally and emotionally. I know this stuff is supposed to build our confidence, and I do like the fact that I had two men chatting with me at the same time Friday night, and I ended up having dates with both of them. (plus a future planned date with a third.) But honestly, I get a little bit drained each time I go out with someone.

    And then afterward, processing everything that comes up during the dates. That may take even more of my energy.

    They were two completely different guys, which was interesting. I “showed up” for them in a lot of ways, or at least I thought I did, or tried to – staying open to what was going on. Not trying to control the outcome, etc. I used some feeling messages. But I noticed myself shutting down as well, sometimes about things I couldn’t quite explain, even to myself.

    Today, I was trying to focus on bonding and connection and how does that work or happen in my life, and all I kept feeling was that my bonding mechanism is somehow “broken.” I keep drawing men in, and then not being able to “do” relationship with them. At one point, it seemed so easy for me. now I don’t know why it is so challenging.

    I am not sure if either of these dates will turn into seconds or thirds.

    I made a painting of one of them. he was especially beautiful to look at, and I suddenly had an urge to paint, which I haven’t had in a VERY long time. I like how it came out, although I did it from memory, so it is not an exact likeness. I am debating with myself whether or not I want to tell him about it. Part of me just wants to keep it for me. I guess I’ll sleep on it.

    Meanwhile, I keep thinking about this other CD, who I think I pushed away. I don’t know why, because he should be irrelevant. But I noticed he has a nice new picture on his profile. And also that he was online today (even though he told me he was “seeing someone”). So he’s obviously still looking. And even though I have absolutely no reason to believe this, I feel an odd certainty that part of him still really wants to come my way (yeah, I might even know which part;). I just know it isn’t going to work if I try and make a move on him at all, even though I kind of want to. I don’t even know why he would be important, or why it keeps coming up for me.

    So I am still dating. This is stressful. This is working me something awful. I am really having to CONFRONT these demons and confront who I am, aren’t I? lol

    And the other thing I like right now is the “stop climbing” tool from Rori’s recent eletter. I like that feeling of imagining just being suspended in space, supported by your own rope, your own dreams, your own body weight, holding you to the ground. So much easier than trying to grasp and climb.



  344.  #344janjune on April 25, 2011 at 11:11 pm

    i haven’t cheated either.

    i always just broke up with them if i didn’t want to be with them anymore.

    i mean… why cheat? although waaaaay back i did kiss a couple of men i knew were married… well, three. but no more than kissing.
    and i knew it wasn’t right even though it was just goofing around and fun and playful…

    but really, i don’t respect men who don’t have the cajones to break up with a woman when they don’t want to be exclusive with her anymore after having made a committment, hence, probably, my aversion to these men who initially i was attracted to …

    because i can remember thinking after i kissed them “well, i wouldn’t want HIM if he’ll kiss me when he’s married”.

    i was young… 🙂



  345.  #345Tmizz on April 25, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    @ Lucy #342 – Me too!!!

    Well, sort of. I didn’t sleep with the other guy, but I was “tempted” in that I felt attracted, and at the time, I thought that must have meant there was something wrong with the relationship I had. In fact, I just kept thinking that generally, even though nothing happened, and it was otherwise “perfect.” (You would not believe how romantic it was, how cute, and how also physically pleasurable. It was like the idea of what we’re all shooting for here…)

    I, too, wanted to go back and marry the person I was engaged to, but it didn’t work, I think for the same reason.

    And I still don’t think I’ve quite gotten over that. I feel guilty. I haven’t quite forgiven myself, and now I get scared whenever guys start to talk about marriage. Even though it’s something that I “want,” I think part of me is afraid that something similar might happen, and I don’t know if I could go through that again. I feel committed to NOT doing that again. I feel committed to making a choice that I feel really strongly about so that it doesn’t happen. But part of me just doesn’t quite trust myself, or I wonder if they can trust me, since of course the whole basis for the meaning of the word “fiancé(e)” is “trust.”

    And I think that’s what feels “broken.” Ever since that relationship, I haven’t really been able to connect with someone in the same way again. It’s quite painful and sad for me. It’s like I want to, but I’m really afraid of what will happen if or when I go down that road – and maybe even more afraid of what will happen after marriage, since that is such a huge unknown for me, even though it’s what I believe I’ve been meant to do, and have been built for all my life.

    *sigh*



  346.  #346Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:42 pm

    Hi Janjune! Tmizz, it took me a looong time to heal from that. On my wedding day to my now ex-h, I was still hoping for my former fiance to show up and take me back! How awful. He actually got married a week before I did – to the girl he dated before me (and he gave her the same diamond ring he had given me first!) They are still married, four kids, one grandchild. Anyway, I think I chose my ex-h to punish myself for what I did to M. I too have been concerned that I will again sabotage a relationship with a



  347.  #347Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:46 pm

    good man like M. (TN man thinks I sabotaged it bc I was running a program of “love = I want it but can’t have it or I don’t deserve to be happy”). So I’ve worked thru that and feel “geared up” to Not sabotage the next good thing that comes my way.



  348.  #348kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 11:52 pm

    The only guys trying to contact me these days are the toxic gutter junkie I dated last summer (I keep blocking his # but he texts from more #s and I don’t answer) and a john from 2 years ago (I blocked his # and the # of anyone like that.) I guess that’s fine. I try to keep an open mind by thinking they’ll be someone else I’ll like again. But I go out with my friends and every guy just turns me off no matter how good I feel about life that day.



  349.  #349Lucy on April 25, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    For me this means accepting a man’s flaws – not looking for every little reason to move on. I have been looking forward to practicing this. I thought I was gonna get a chance to do so last summer with WH – I was already noticing his flaws and getting myself accustomed to them. lol. And preparing myself for the bigger ones that were yet to be revealed. Sorta bracing myself for a storm … like, there’s gonna come a moment when I want to run away like I did with M, but I need to push thru it and love him.



  350.  #350kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 11:53 pm

    I mean be thinking there will be- not they’ll be. Ew. Damn apostrophes. Damn Oxy80s.



  351.  #351kaitlyn on April 25, 2011 at 11:57 pm

    I hurt my leg tryig to rollerblade today. Hence why i took a pill.



  352.  #352kaitlyn on April 26, 2011 at 12:05 am

    Boomer,

    Ain’t nothing by-the-book about Adam -his interests, his crazy life experiences. And yep, you and Black Barbie would make for a great trio on the town. I always have protein in my salad. I was chunkier when I was vegan. But thin when I was raw vegan. But I’m too lazy to be raw vegan, so now my diet is mostly raw vegan but I eat meat and sometimes wheat.



  353.  #353Lucy on April 26, 2011 at 12:07 am

    Jacqueline 297. Wow. Thank you. I feel teary (in a good way). I feel open to the few men who are coming towards me, but not terribly inspired by them. Just receiving what they offer. There is one who inspires me somewhat but it’s still online at this point – I will call him Mr. Secret bc I can’t speak openly of him bc it’s quite likely he is lurking here. But you are right about it being so close with WH! It would feel wonderful to have the relationship my heart truly wants. I am open and ready. Thanks! <3



  354.  #354kaitlyn on April 26, 2011 at 12:11 am

    I missed my eating disorders group meeting today. I only go sometimes. Oh well, the $25 fee I’d have to pay means I’d have to forfeit grocery shopping tomorrow.



  355.  #355Queenbee on April 26, 2011 at 12:59 am

    Hi Lurker, Rusty – thank you for your responses to my posts. Yes, I have received them all. I’m reading…. and will be back later when I’m through.

    Thanks again!!

    xoxo



  356.  #356Rosa on April 26, 2011 at 12:59 am

    Hey I am off on a dinner date. This is 5th date with Dr Guy. He hasnt kissed me yet..ho hum…

    I got my black pants tucked into black boots , a really yummy rust red crinkled French silk blouse , long hair flowing and I feel 15 , not 51 🙂
    I rock….
    I rock….
    I rock….

    Well, I am working on it !



  357.  #357Rosa on April 26, 2011 at 1:04 am

    I miss SLV too. I hope its not health problems .



  358.  #358Brenda on April 26, 2011 at 2:21 am

    Jacqueline,

    RE: #304 – “Brenda – bad is the new good??? Love it! and you!”

    LOL! Yep, you got it! I love you, too!



  359.  #359The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 2:31 am

    #285 “I’m wondering if you are still un-liking me?”
    I’m wondering, too. It depends on which side of yourself you show to us, I guess (and which is the more authentic one). But then, do you want everybody to like you? You’re an intelligent woman, you sure know that’s impossible.

    “I’m feeling you get very triggered and sounding more and more fem – instead of sensitive.”
    Previous thread, #449 “I find feelspeak makes me hostile and juvenille and annoys the heck out of me. ”

    Indeed. Btw, I think that whole comment #449 is very telling.



  360.  #360Meemee on April 26, 2011 at 2:56 am

    Back from gym
    Rippling with energy.
    i am loving it.
    Meemee



  361.  #361The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 3:23 am

    #332 “from your recent comments it seems like the “women dating four men and having sex with all of them” issue is still on your mind.”

    Well, Janjune, “Circular Dating” happens to be the topic of the story here. So, is it surprising that I post at least one comment (@ #24) which is on topic? I’m not obsessed with that issue, though.

    “I do personally advocate that if a woman WANTS to jump into bed and screw her eyeballs out of their sockets for the just plain pleasure and fun of it with alot of different men she should have every right to do so without being labeled”
    I never said anywhere she doesn’t have that right. However, let’s not pretend the world is better than it is. There are prejudices and labels. That’s reality. And I’m not a perfectly rational human being, either. Of course, that would effect my judgment. Which doesn’t mean it’s a total NoNo for me, only that I would have dire concerns if she’s a good partner in the monogamous relationship that feels right for me. Btw, I also think that men who act in that way are less likely to be faithful in a relationship.

    “i’m a child of the sixties/seventies” So am I. I guess those children aren’t a totally homogeneous group!
    😀



  362.  #362Krystal on April 26, 2011 at 3:50 am

    Rori,
    What is the “Walkaway” Tool you mentioned in your post? I want to make things work with my BF but we are currently not talking and we don’t live together anymore so we don’t see eachother either. As of right now our status is in Limbo and its killing me.

    I have been strong enough to drop the ball and am trying to move on but the fact that this is hanging over mjy head is killing me.



  363.  #363Lilybelle on April 26, 2011 at 3:53 am

    254: Boomer~

    This thing happened to me too, although we hadn’t met yet.

    “You are so pretty. Would you like to communicate a bit?”

    ME: “Daryl (I knew his name too) We already have communicated. Thanks anyway.”

    It’s funny…and just a numbers game. Sending out tons of emails in hopes one will stick. lol.

    ~Lil



  364.  #364RiverGirl on April 26, 2011 at 4:14 am

    365: Krystal says:
    ” What is the “Walkaway” Tool you mentioned in your post? I want to make things work with my BF but we are currently not talking and we don’t live together anymore so we don’t see each other either.”

    Krystal, I don’t know much about your story and I’m not sure if that is exactly the tool you are looking for. Sorry if I have missed where you have posted before. My suggestion would be to have a look through the different categories in the Post Directory for Rori’s blog. All the headings for previous articles are listed. Just start reading through the ones that sound like they apply to you. xo
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/post-directory/



  365.  #365Queenbee on April 26, 2011 at 4:27 am

    Thank you Rusty and Lurker for your responses to my posts. I felt good reading and appreciate your caring. I feel safe sharing my feelings with you on this and welcome what you have given to me as you pov.

    Rusty says:
    I went back and read your posts. OK, let me say this…if I were intimate with a woman and dated her for 5 months, I don’t think I would want to go on vacation without her, but if I did, I would at least tell her, and likely tell her why I did. Did he tell you or did you find out on your own?

    ME:
    – Yes, Rusty, that is the exact point. You wouldn’t go on vacation without ‘me’ and so the question remains why? He did tell me. He apologized and said it was a “spiritual” trip for him. This feels bad to me because he DID ask me to go with him at first, then suddenly it turns “spiritual”. So I’m like, what’s the difference – don’t say it’s nothing to do with ME, yet you are apologizing to me for reneging etc.

    Rusty says:
    I can say this..if you are CDing, you have no right to be angry about that…IMHO. You may feel angry and that IS your right but what I am saying is that I don’t feel you have a right to make an issue of it, to him, if you are CDing. My opinion is that if a woman is CDing, then the men also have that right.

    ME:
    – No, he went alone. No woman, friends etc. I asked, and that was it.

    – He knows that I don’t want to be a girlfriend and that I am open to CDing men. Of course, he feels how any man would feel about it. But I have not actually dated other men…. I CD myself, friends and fam – just what I’ve been feeling comfortable with so far.

    “On diary needs”…
    Rusty says:
    Now, let me also apologize for my first post to you. I admit that I was triggered by what you were saying because I would not be OK with being put in a small box as it seemed you were saying that you did with the man in that post.

    – Thank you and no need to apologize re. your first post to me. I got that you were triggered and that is okay. What I feel good about is now reading your explanation of why you were triggered. That definitely helps and gives me more insight.

    – I totally agree that it would make him feel un-Alpha. We did communicate about it briefly that kinda took the pressure off – but I still have not been able to express to him what I really feel, or why this feels important to me at this point. There is a very straightforward reason.

    – At the end of the day it is not about keeping him out of my life, or anyone else, but the opposite. In a short while, I’ll be going into 18 hours per day of studio time and that freaks me out, plus weeks where I’m just gone. In theory this doesn’t actually make me available for a relationship but in practice I believe that anything is possible.

    – So anyway, I don’t really want to comment on this right now because I don’t want to speculate and I don’t want to feel bad about anything…. especially my studio time, which is for a SPECIFIC and it does not mean that anything is a SPECIFIC way – but as I anticipate from my past – it is pretty rigid for highest discipline.

    – It is no wonder my post felt ‘Alpha’ to you – and it is 🙂 because it’s my work 🙂 and it’s just natural for me to use my masculine energy for my work.

    Rusty says:
    It seemed you reacted very negatively to a man who stepped out of that box. So this leads me to this “HotAmazing” man. Does he feel like he has to walk on egg shells? When people feel they must do this, they tend not to be honest, for fear of provoking the bear.

    ME:
    – You are right on the mark on this. I do feel him walking on eggshells sometimes and that feels worse. I hate to think that my one line can make a man walk on eggshells. I don’t want this – especially coz he IS Alpha. It would feel good to me if he just did what he wants coz he is the MAN.

    – And not that I ever got upset about anything. Just something I might say, then I notice him walking on eggshells. And in my mind I’m like “dude, what are you doing?”. But what can I say – he is the MAN and I want him to lead – it’s the only way I feel good.

    – I don’t always say everything that makes sense. Or it may just for the moment – I feel okay with exploring and considering all sorts of possibilities. I feel exhausted with explanations. I’m just game – and that’s it. But it’s up to him when he wants to figure that out.

    – I’m pretty sure I’ve triggered you Rusty 🙂 – but truth be told, it’s about having the relationship “I” want. And a man who is maybe not sooo serious hanging on my every word, but still respecting my boundaries, perhaps would feel better to me.

    – I do realize their is a part where we are not communicating effectively. We’d have to spend more time together and him bring up more stuff instead of assuming stuff…

    – I feel bad not spending enough time with him. I feel bad when he pushes stuff under the carpet. I feel bad trying to sweep the stuff out so it can get addressed. I don’t want to struggle in love…

    Rusty says:
    I think that you and he should talk about this when you have the chance. Have a deep talk, and use that talking object method that I have mentioned in a few posts. If you can’t find it, ask and I will type it again.

    I would talk about not only this Easter vacation thing, but also how both of you feel in the relationship, if you are both getting what you want and NEED out of it, and if not what it is that is missing.

    ME:
    – This feels good to me in theory. In practice, I guess sitting here thinking about it, I feel emotionally drained. Perhaps, I’m not really emotionally available due to my pending studio time. I don’t know how I feel about that right now – … I feel resigned to thinking about it. A “long, deep conversation” feels very tiring to me right now and very “blah blah blah”

    – I guess the idea of “talking” too much about the relationship has me feeling turned off. I feel emotionally drained and I don’t want to be “convinced” that I need to be there.

    – Rori advocates that for a Siren men are easy. “Long deep talk” just feels hard to me. There’s got to be a better way… and probably CDing for me feels better.

    – But thank you. I do understand your pov and see how it makes a difference. Actually Rori brings this up at the Commitment stage of her work – perhaps that’s why I feel drained. I’m not IN a committed, loving relationship where I feel cared for and secure – so it feels like “working hard for love” to me – and I don’t want that. I feel okay with exploring this more though ….

    Rusty says:
    …this all boils down to the drama you say that you created just prior to the vacation. Keep in mind hat we men are not robots, we too are thinking and wondering what is going on in your head, and we can, and have been burned in the past. Even an Alpha has feelings and can be hurt…badly.

    It does seem that he cares for you a lot, but is also maybe a bit freaked out by some of your drama and afraid of being hurt, or getting into a relationship with someone who will tie him up in knots with her wild emotional swings.

    ME:
    – Ok, I get this. Two things:

    1) What I call “drama” was very mild. I don’t want to feel guilty or judged for having emotions – feeling sadness and anger sometimes. I guess I don’t want to explain…. it feels like overfunctioning and I don’t want that.

    2) If it was the “drama”, it would feel better if he just told me. Like “you know we haven’t sorted out our stuff and I would feel more comfortable going by myself until we do. Not that I don’t care about you but just what I feel would be good for the relationship right now” And I would be like “okay, great, thanks for letting me know and that feels good to me”.

    Because, at the end of the day I don’t want to be paraded in hotels in my country. My profile and reputation is important to me and I would not consider myself obscure, so this would feel totally appropriate to me if he was not 100% sure of us.

    I feel good about going on vacay with someone who loves me and sees an LTR with me. Yes, then I feel happy, secure and loved. Even if I have to miss out on one vacay with him, that’s okay, I can wait.

    However, to say it is “spiritual” and at the same time apologizing to me, has me feeling abandoned, neglected and questioning what feels important to me, which is:

    – bonding

    – experiencing emotional intimacy

    – being loved and feeling secure in a man’s love

    – timing

    – being happy in my future.

    It has nothing to do with:

    – venue

    – him doing whatever by himself.

    Rusty says:
    I think it was a mistake not to explain. I can also see how it might have affected him mentally when at first, you did not raise an issue about the one room, but then did so when it was brought up later. His mind had obviously traveled down the path with this notion of having one room, and it must have felt like a withdrawal to him. Like second thoughts, etc…

    I do not feel that it would have been a mistake to mention your concerns, and to simply say that it would make you feel more secure knowing that you have a room to retreat to if things don’t go well. Of course, this might have triggered him to say something along the lines of not planning on anything going badly.

    ME:
    – No it was not brought up later. It all happened in the same convo. HIM: “I’m thinking of us going to blah blah for Easter vacay, should I book? ME: ooh yes, that would feel good. HIM: But I don’t want separate rooms… etc”

    – I did go into expressing what would feel good to me and that I didn’t want to be “apart”. I realize later that he ended the convo because he assumed I was not yet comfortable being with HIM.

    – So when he kept quiet so did I. It seemed he was done, which he was. But with the wrong info.

    – My reasons really are my dressing and feeling secure with a place to go incase anything went wrong.

    -I had a terrible experience in my past… however, based on the way we are together, I trust him like crazy and KNOW that our time together would be wonderful… so my past was not important.

    – When I told him later that I would reconsider the rooms it was because we had been intimate and I was already bathing in his bathroom and I noticed how he was and gives me space (unspoken boundaries as Jacqueline mentioned) – so I felt good and I felt I could do it and it would be okay.

    Rusty says:
    OK, I am now to the part where you said you don’t want his crumbs. First let me say that I do think you have a winner here. He’s not perfect, but neither or you, nor am I. Nobody is. But he does seem to be someone who you could spend your life with, somebody who wants that with you. But this means making adjustments, which seems is a tough thing for both of you.

    ME:
    – Ok, feeling judgement and icky.

    – How would Rusty know who I SHOULD spend my LIFE with

    – Yeah, so he’s great! I know that, but he LEFT me out of Easter vacay – and I’m still angry

    – So no thanks! I don’t want his CRUMBS!!

    Rusty says:
    I can tell you from experience that when life interferes, it was hard to stand on that ship seeing all of those wives and girlfriends and knowing that mine was not there among them. Usually she was, but a couple of times she wasn’t able to be because of school.

    I remember once I looked and didn’t see her. I was 100% certain she wasn’t there. Then I happened to see her come around a building that hid the parking lot. Even at a long distance, I knew it was her and my heart went from hurting to soaring among the clouds in a microsecond. As I watched her walk toward the pier, she looked like a tall glass of ice water to a man about to die of thirst.

    ME:
    – I LOVE THIS! Thank you for sharing this. It feels good to read and I feel so hopeful, warm and tender reading the last line. Thank you for this!

    Rusty says:
    What I do sense is that he is a good man and that he wants something serious with you, but I wonder if he is feeling that maybe you are a bit too high maintenance, or toxic. I wonder if he is afraid that you come packaged with too many warnings and caution labels. Is he afraid that you will bring TOO much drama into his life? This is a big question for me at the moment.

    ME:
    (Ok, feeling icky reading the word “toxic” in a sentence about me. I love my icky feelings. I love my uniqueness. I love me!)

    So I was saying….
    – Well, yes. And it is not the first time I’ve encountered this “high maintenance” line. In the past, I used to feel bad about it and try to think of ways to “de-whatever” myself to make myself whatever is “not” high maintenance. Realizing that this was complete bullsh1t.

    – I made a rule for myself and yes, it comes on the carton box labeled “Queenbee” – that if a man EVER called me “high maintenance” – I would just walk away and THAT IS IT!.

    – To me it is abuse and I won’t put up with it. I am just me – the yummy pie. It is HIS lack of understanding that brings him to this conclusion. And HIS stuff – projecting and insecurities. NOTHING to do with me.

    – If he wants it EASY – let him go pay some hooker – but I’m NOT up for it.

    – And yes, I am feeling triggered – coz I HATE this label and I HATE that so many AMAZING women have to deal with this labeling and think it’s their fault.

    – I am NOT high maintenance – I am unique! I KNOW this and I love my uniqueness!

    – There are men out there who just “GET” me. All types of men – and this feels good to me. These are the men I want in my life – no compromises, and that’s just it.

    – If he is not one of those men, then so be it!

    At the end of the day, here is what I see:

    – I don’t know the TRUTH of why he left me out of vacay. It feels really bad and it feels like crumbs just going back to him. What he told me doesn’t feel sufficient because it feels confusing re. the relationship. We had an amazing date, agreed to sexual exclusivity and he talked about how much he missed me etc a couple days before….

    – The only thing I can consider, is perhaps he wants me to say that I won’t CD men and then it will all be fine. But I won’t say that.

    – Another possibility, is the fact that we had not “talked” about our stuff and he just felt like going by himself in that regard – which is fine, but he did not say that was it.

    – And it could be both possibilities. But I don’t want a passive aggressive man.

    He sent me a text yesterday: “Hi Queenbee. Hope you are fine. I am back. Need to unpack, do quick laundry, then I will call you. Kisses”.

    (Ok, feeling icky… unpacking and laundry seems more important than me? I feel insecure… I love my insecurity. It would feel good to be with a man who makes me a priority in his life….)

    And I did not respond. And he did not call. (Doesn’t break his word… so… anyway… you get it….).

    And now he is online – on my skype – and I’m invisible. Haven’t figured out a way to delete him ….

    Yes, I know – some may say “what a stubborn Queenbee”. – Ok, I’m not committed to being stubborn, but right now I don’t want to do anything.

    Until I feel that shift in me of how I can heal and grow from this, I’m not willing to DO anything.

    – Lastly, I guess my couple last thoughts are this:

    I had a bf a while ago who used to spend over $10,000 to take me on vacay for a couple weeks anywhere in the world. My dad, who is Dr. Majorly-Annoying at times, when I felt upset over something a couple months ago and refused to go on vacay with them (parents), he actually called me, told me how depressed he felt that I did not want to go. And I could feel it, he was truly hurt. I thought about it, and of course I went and we had an amazing time together.

    So this for me, just SUX beyond all words. I don’t want to be treated badly and I don’t want to accept bad treatment for it to continue.

    In my world, I can’t IMAGINE a man or anyone not wanting to be with me/ take me on vacay. It is just the nature of where/ how my life is/ works at this point.

    I feel loved in general by men and people.

    So unless there is something that can make sense – I simply cannot settle for less.

    And the last thought is that both you, Rusty, and Lurker said that you would STILL have taken ‘me’. So you see….?? That’s just it.

    What to do now…

    I don’t know… maybe read Rori’s self-esteem category, get out there and CD and let this “thing’ work itself out organically….

    I really get that it is ME who needs to change here. I feel good about that. Not even necessarily to GET HIM but for the purpose we are ALL here to “HTRYou/ I/ We/W”.

    With my pending studio schedule – perhaps I am NOT emotionally available – scary and I don’t wish to believe this, feels limiting… I feel better about opening myself up to being available in all contexts of life.

    Whoever I’m dating would need to be privy to this otherwise it would feel very confusing.

    There is A LOT I have going on and focusing on MY passion feels good to me right now.

    Thank you Lurker for your response to my post. It felt good reading and very much in my ‘vibe’. And it feels more like what I can do right now….

    Not that Rusty does not have amazing wisdom and insight into this – and I LOVE IT!!. It’s just that my response to it would need a more siren vibe. And I feel that reaching out to him to “talk”/ responding to his texts – feels like crumbtaker, overfunctioning, not doing the tools, which I am committed to btw.

    Thank you for all your help. It is a pleasure having you both on Siren Island!

    xoxoxo



  366.  #366Queenbee on April 26, 2011 at 4:30 am

    Oh boy – I think I should bake a cake as a pressie to myself for having the longest post on Siren Island.

    Feeling scared of judgement… It would feel good to have shorter posts… like no kidding. I’m sure I will soon…

    Thanks Sirens and please bear with me….

    Feeling weird about apologizing for myself…

    Where do I feel I’m not deserving..

    Go to mantra….

    I deserve love!

    xooxox



  367.  #367Queenbee on April 26, 2011 at 4:37 am

    “I do realize their (there) is a part where we are not communicating effectively.”

    Apology for MAJOR grammatical error – I was editing.

    xoxoxo



  368.  #368The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 4:49 am

    #369 “the longest post on Siren Island.”

    That’s the almost inevitable outcome when you take one of Rusty’s lengthy posts and “fisk” it, Queenbee!
    😀



  369.  #369LD on April 26, 2011 at 4:51 am

    Queenbee,

    I can’t find the part where it says how long you two dated before he went on his vacation?



  370.  #370RiverGirl on April 26, 2011 at 4:53 am

    Lurker, don’t you sleep?!



  371.  #371The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 4:57 am

    #374 And you, River Girl?
    😎



  372.  #372SummerBaby on April 26, 2011 at 4:59 am

    Mel and Turquoise,

    Not to far into my marriage, my husband wound up with an STD. I miraculously escaped getting it and still not sure how. My ob/gyn asked me if I trusted my husband and how long had I been married. So it would seem that he cheated on me right before the wedding or shortly after, because the STD could take some time to appear after exposure.

    We talked about it and he said that the exposure could have been from people I had been with when we first started dating. I was confused and young and in love and wanted to trust him (and only had two other partners prior to him).

    In later years, I dodged a cancer bullet discovered after surgery for another issue that is specifically linked to another particular STD. Since he was the only man I was sleeping with, I can only assume he was not faithful.

    I never thought much about it, because I believed he was always at work when he was working late.

    I bring it up because I can count on one hand the number of times in our marriage that he initiated sex. I lost count over the number of times that he had a headache, or was too tired, or just wasn’t in the mood, or you fill in the excuse.

    It became a means of his control over me…. withholding sex. He told me it was because I didn’t turn him on anymore. My self esteem was in the toilet.

    If I had it to do again with what I now know… I would spend way more time making myself happy… if I wanted sex, I would self pleasure and hopefully let him catch me at it. I would stop letting it be all about him… I wouldn’t worry so much about his stress and what he was going through, I’d focus on what I could do for ME to help me feel better.

    I twisted myself in knots in my marriage trying to walk on eggshells because he was always so stressed out. In the end, I withdrew from him because he could never be happy for me and often found ways to knock the wind from my sails. I’d tell him good news from my day and he’d tear it down and leave me feeling deflated in 10 minutes.

    It turned out he was covertly verbally abusive and I never realized it.

    Mel, you have no control over how he feels and what he’s thinking. So the only thing you can do is take care of you. Be happy – work on being the best you possible. Determine to feel good with or without his partnership in the relationship.

    Looking back I can tell you that I thought we were so great together and I was constantly trying to reestablish that. But today having a guy that treats me absolutely wonderful and is constantly initiating, I have something to compare to.

    Having a man that is totally into me and treat me well shows me what I truly deserve. It’s a great feeling.

    Mel, since he is the one wanting space, I would give him a TON of it. I would become so self sufficient and work on giving myself the love I wanted from him. It will seem difficult at first because he will occasionally turn and you will feel the love from him and think, oh he’s back! but you gotta consistently provide it for yourself if he’s ever gonna come back to stay.

    I know he hasn’t left you, but in a sense he has… he’s holding back. So take good care of you, because you deserve a man who will give you his heart and his body. Anything less is crumbs.

    hugs,

    Summerbaby



  373.  #373RiverGirl on April 26, 2011 at 5:03 am

    @374

    Haha, most nights! Just been catching up on this very long thread and thinking you must either not sleep or survive on little power naps!



  374.  #374LD on April 26, 2011 at 5:08 am

    Queenbee,

    Two things really stood out to me about your post. I am not defending your man-it would feel icky to me too to be dating someone and them go on vacation without me. But 2 things you mentioned I felt could make the difference in how you see him.

    “Because, at the end of the day I don’t want to be paraded in hotels in my country. My profile and reputation is important to me and I would not consider myself obscure, so this would feel totally appropriate to me if he was not 100% sure of us.”

    Perhaps he knows this about you and was showing you respect by not taking you with him? Because he is not exactly sure of the relationship or because he doesn’t think you are sure of it since you are still CDing? Maybe he’s not sure how to handle it if people recognize you?

    And the other point:

    “I feel good about going on vacay with someone who loves me and sees an LTR with me. Yes, then I feel happy, secure and loved. Even if I have to miss out on one vacay with him, that’s okay, I can wait.”

    So the real issue is that his actions and words aren’t making you feel happy, secure and loved. Because if you did, you wouldn’t mind missing this one vacation because you know there will be many more vacations. Maybe what’s making you feel icky is that you don’t know if this man wants a long term relationship or not.



  375.  #375The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 5:17 am

    #376 Hehe, River Girl, I do sleep, and not only short naps. Think in bigger dimensions. But shhhh! I love to have some secrets…



  376.  #376janjune on April 26, 2011 at 5:26 am

    Lurker,

    I should have also said that I actually LIKED it that the issue was still on your mind.
    It seemed as if it was just something you just couldn’t quite reconcile (I may be reading something into it that wasn’t even there but you saying
    “Of course, that would effect my judgment. Which doesn’t mean it’s a total NoNo for me, only that I would have dire concerns if she’s a good partner in the monogamous relationship that feels right for me”
    makes me think my conjecture is accurate).

    anyway, I don’t know… this probably doesn’t make sense to anyone else, but feeling that that issue was important to you (being a man) made my heart feel very soft and warm. for me it tied in with what rori teaches about a man when he steps up and “claims” a woman.

    It’s good to have you here. You’re very good at explaining a man’s pov. I love knowing these things you’re sharing, it’s causing my respect for men to grow and fear of stepping out to meet new ones die out a little. So many men seem “off”, especially the ones on online dating sites. You’re making me feel safer, feeling there really actually ARE good ones out there running around.



  377.  #377RiverGirl on April 26, 2011 at 5:26 am

    Well it’s almost Wednesday here so goodnight Sirens and Sailors.



  378.  #378The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 5:44 am

    #375 SummerBaby, that’s a sad story (the part about how he made you responsible for the STD is shocking!), but I admire how you told it. Shows a lot of reflection and awareness! And I’m glad it has a happy end.

    I think it’s interesting that there are some parallels in this to what Mel told us. Her hubby didn’t go actively after sex with her, too, and even encouraged her to initiate it. Only to reject her time and again. This is abusive, too, even if it may be unintentionally (not being mindreaders, we don’t know). After all, what’s the point in giving her the lead, when the problem with the missing sex drive is on his side? Does he get an emotional kick out of her begging for it?

    That parallel may be a total coincidence, of course. But regardless what’s behind this, this situation isn’t healthy in a LTR, and Mel’s hubby should see that, too. If he is commited to the marriage, he should do more to address this issue and to find a solution that works, imho. Let’s hope he’ll realize that soon. Mel deserves better than this ignorance.

    Btw, SummerBaby, was there a difference in the way your hubby behaved before the marriage and later? Aparently the marriage led him to simply take you for granted. Or was he always like this, from the very start? Just curious, sry!



  379.  #379The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 5:46 am

    #380 Nightynight, Girl! Have exciting CDs in your dreams.
    😎



  380.  #380T-Girl on April 26, 2011 at 6:21 am

    @331 LD – I was thinking that about you two as well. Hot mamas!! lol



  381.  #381LD on April 26, 2011 at 6:26 am

    wow, I feel surprised to realize how much of my self esteem is tied into my job. Isn’t that more of a masculine energy trait? I’m having issues with my job and am feeling very insecure now. My vibe is really low. I told D about what was going on, but I even feel insecure that he won’t like me as much if I just have a “job” with my company and not a shining career path. I know it’s just the NVs because he is amazing and has given me no reason to worry about him or our relationship at all.

    Makes me wonder how many past relationships I sabotaged by projecting my own insecurities and self esteem issues onto the man….

    If CDing is the way to work through self esteem issues that have to do with men and relationships, what’s the process for working through self esteem issues in regards to work and career? I really want to work through this so I can find all around happiness and balance…



  382.  #382LD on April 26, 2011 at 6:27 am

    TGirl,

    AW! thanks for the compliment! Just made my morning!



  383.  #383Femininepower on April 26, 2011 at 6:31 am

    Krystal pardon me if I get technical here but you mentioned “killing me” twice in one post. I wanted to bring that to your awareness because the way how we think about things can affect the way we feel. I also believe it can affect our physical health. As such I wanted to ask you, is it really killing you?



  384.  #384Femininepower on April 26, 2011 at 6:33 am

    Pamelala I am happy to see you are back. I really missed you.



  385.  #385Susan on April 26, 2011 at 6:49 am

    To Turquoise3:

    All of it. From your light and easy re-opening the door between you to not bring up that he had been absent, to letting him lead the conversation and letting him ask for your company and not expecting more, to you now seeing him as a person instead of a role you might like him to play in your life.



  386.  #386Ladybird on April 26, 2011 at 6:49 am

    Hi everyone,
    I’ve not posted in a while as I’ve been busy with work, studying and sport so trying to catch up.
    I’m not CDing any men but CDing plenty of family, friends and….. myself….. for the time being.

    FP: so great to hear your father is doing well!!

    LD@11: That is so great to read and I finished my last relationship after a few months as felt it wasn’t going where I wanted it to but like you, previously I would have let things drag on a lot longer but I don’t have time to waste at 40!!

    Mercedes@48: this is so great to read!

    Turquoise3@98: thanks for sharing your story and I too feel why didn’t I find the Rori way earlier …… it would have made the years a lot easier!!



  387.  #387The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 6:52 am

    #379 Aww! Janjune, I very much appreciate your kind words.
    🙂
    Indeed, there are lots of “good guys” out there. Most of my friends belong to that group. Many of them seem to think they’re not “bad boy”, exciting, witty, outspoken, afluent etc. enough, not close enough to the “ideal” masculine image spread by the media. They also have made negative experiences in relationships, where they felt they weren’t really appreciated as men. Which makes me believe they would fall for “Ms. Right”, armed with Rori’s tools, in a heartbeat!



  388.  #388Ladybird on April 26, 2011 at 6:52 am

    Been working on Heart Connection Toolkit and focusing on me and some stuff has cropped up over the past couple of days:

    1. On Easter Sunday I found journal entries about the guy I finished things with last August and I got so emotional and cried and had to go to bed to sleep and re-energise. There were constant reminders of him over the weekend…… maybe cos we spent last Easter together he was in my subconscious? I felt so sad and low but managed to bounce back an hour or so later but boy was that a Trigger with a capital T!!

    2. Then…… today my ex contacted me through IM at work, it has been 8 weeks since I finished things with him. I have not contacted him in any way since we broke up although I had to see him in the office for 5 days after I finished it which was awkward but I survived!! It was strange to see his name pop up and he asked me how my Easter was and what I was doing for this long weekend. He asked if I would be going to where he lives (as my mum lives near there but 400 miles from where I live) and added a smiley face but I said no, that I would be out of the country. I must admit it felt good he contacted me and we had a nice friendly chat and it made me smile but it has thrown me and I don’t know what to think about it, or maybe I just shouldn’t think about it. I’m sure I’ve read on one of the other posts that ex’s tend to pop back at the 2 month stage so what does this mean? When I finished with him I told him I didn’t want to be just friends and I didn’t want a text/IM work relationship as I was looking for a real relationship with communication and spending time together so I feel it was pretty brave of him to IM me and re-initiate contact. But, it has distracted me from work now!!

    I see we have some male company here on the blog, welcome guys…… and I’d be happy to hear your take on this too from a male perspective.

    Still have more posts to read……



  389.  #389Patience on April 26, 2011 at 7:10 am

    #359-Rosa–YAY for you! Hope you had a great time.



  390.  #390The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 7:15 am

    #384 LD, I’m somewhat glad to read that it wasn’t a worse surprise (I initially thought you had become the victim of downsizing or restructuring). However, this sure is a difficult situation for you. And I wonder if the interests of your younger kid should really trump your own ones. You already contributed so much to your family, should you always put your own interests behind those of all the others? How much of a difference would an education in that other state make for your kid, really? Imho you should weight all the pros and cons (if you haven’t already done so) and also check if there is a compromise solution somewhere.

    And imho you should talk with D about your concerns about your job (maybe in a general FM, like ‘I feel that my job situation influences the way people see me’). You have enough to worry about now, it would be a good idea to get this off your chest. If he’s the right guy for you, he will show you that he loves you, not your title on the job. And he will back you in your decisions. He’ll even appreciate that his opinion is important for you. That should give you a much needed moral boost, enabling you to find the best option. Xing fingers for you!



  391.  #391Mercedes on April 26, 2011 at 7:19 am

    Ladybird 390: Thank you! It lost some of the impact when it went through the edits but I’m very happy you still like it. I like being a living example of why CDing works…for both the guy and the girl. J will tell you that no matter how hard that period in our lives was, he’s grateful for it because it forced him to face thoughts of the future with me. He thinks (really believes) that if he hadn’t been put in that place he might still be going along as we were and taking for granted that I would always be there no matter what.

    Personally, I don’t think any guy should ever know a woman is going to be there “no matter what”. There are limits to what we can and should put up with. Circular dating helps us find those limits…it helps us see what we really want…it helps us stay focused on ourselves and what makes us happy…and more than anything, it helps a guy see that convincing a woman to choose him for the rest of her life is a beautiful thing.

    J knows he wins over anyone else. He also knows that losing me is not something he wants to ever risk. He knows that I’m not afraid to do what I need to do to take care of my own emotional needs. He knows that I chose him over everyone else. That feeds his ego and confidence. I think it’s cool to be the woman who gets to feed his ego and confidence. Ask any coach anywhere and they’ll most likely tell you that the way to a man’s heart is to show and tell him how wonderful he is. Men need to feel confident. The woman who helps with that is the woman he’ll keep.

    As much as people think circular dating is a blow to a man’s ego…I think the opposite. I think when a guy knows you chose him over others and when he knows he had to work hard for that…he gets to puff his chest out a little.

    Maybe some guys would rather it be easy…maybe they’d rather a woman waited around the house while he decides what he wants (for me, this is the description of ‘weak’ and ‘blinded by lust’ from above). But I think most guys (at least the ones I would find attractive) would rather see a little challenge thrown their way. No drama…no tears…no fighting…no arguments…no compromising or giving up what she wants…just straight up fair and square competitive challenge (for me, this is the opposite of the description of ‘weak’ and ‘blinded by lust’ from above).

    Gives a guy a rush. Ever make love to a guy on a rush? Yeah… 😉

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  392.  #392T-Girl on April 26, 2011 at 7:20 am

    LD, one thing I remember several coaches saying is that men don’t care what your resume or career is…they just care about how you make them feel. So I don’t think your issue with your job will affect your relationship with HotArmyGuy.



  393.  #393SummerBaby on April 26, 2011 at 7:22 am

    Lurker,

    He ran hot and cold while dating. I left him after about 6 months because I knew he was going to break my heart bad with his all or nothing antics and moved away. He chased me down and proposed. He was very into me until children, then everything changed.

    He became jealous of the attention I gave to the kids. He was jealous of everything and everyone. The more I did to reassure him, to show him how dedicated I was to us as a family, the less attractive I became.

    I developed hobbies to keep myself occupied. He criticized them and made me feel guilty for them. I realized about 6 months ago (We’ve been apart about 7 years now) that I had stopped doing a bunch of things that I used to thoroughly enjoy. I’m now working on reestablishing my enjoyment of them and dealing with the guilt as it comes up.

    I cannot prove with 100% certainty that he was cheating on me. I still believe that he wasn’t… but then I cannot explain the physical issues that arose with the STDs. Am I naive or do I just want to believe that he really did love me in his limited way? Doesn’t matter at this point.

    I guess the biggest thing I am seeing is that twisting yourself in a pretzel for anyone else’s happiness is counterproductive to your own.

    Mine reacted like he’d just woke up when I left. He pursued me and promised change. Since I was always open and communicative about EVERYTHING, his assertions that he didn’t realize how I felt were not well received by me. He never took me serious enough to do anything about it until I said I am done.

    Took a while to wash the WELCOME letters off my back, but I finally did. This is not to say that I was without blame in the relationship as it takes two. I take full responsibility for my part. In the end, we were two very different people with very little in common.

    I deserve to feel good, and I CAN do that much for myself. Raising my self esteem, and creating a life for myself that my guy can be part of if he steps up, or not, the point that is the most important thing here is that I choose to be happy. I open up my feelings to him and let him know when I am down.

    It’s taken me a long time to believe I deserve love and happiness. I still falter and stumble. I believe it’s a process.

    summerbaby



  394.  #394Femininepower on April 26, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Mel reading your comments, I feel like telling you to just rant and rave to the point of blasting his head off but I guess that won’t achieve anything. I can only imagine your stress level but as Summerbaby says maybe the best thing to do is take care of yourself. I guess it is not the end of the world and there are other people out there that have worst situations dealing with. Big hugs



  395.  #395Elizabeth on April 26, 2011 at 7:24 am

    390. The Lurker says:
    “They also have made negative experiences in relationships, where they felt they weren’t really appreciated as men.”

    Oh, I would be grateful if you could say more about this, please!

    What kinds of behaviors or words do you think made them feel that way?

    My feeling messages with the last one mostly seemed to trigger blame for him, with the resulting over-reaction of anger and resentment.

    I felt as if he really didn’t care about my feelings at all–it was all about him.

    He was extra-sensitive because of being accused of things in his last marriage, and it makes me wonder if the slightest little indication that a woman is asking to be treated differently, or for more real emotional honesty, pushes that button.

    would like to hear your thoughts!

    xxxooo



  396.  #396LD on April 26, 2011 at 7:27 am

    Lurker,

    Thanks for the post and the advice. I agree that there are great educational opportunities no matter where I should choose to go and I was ready to pack up and move both of my kids in order to further my career, but the opportunity the younger one just got is a once in a lifetime opportunity. While it’s true that I have sacrificed a lot for them, this is something I just couldn’t deny him. It pretty much secures his future and he’s very, very excited about it.



  397.  #397LD on April 26, 2011 at 7:35 am

    TGirl and Lurker,

    Thanks for the encouraging words about the job. I don’t really think anyone will like me less if my job title changes, but I do struggle with the NVs. I never realized until now how much my self esteem was tied into my career success. Any ideas on how to change this?

    I know you’re both right about D, it’s just me feeling insecure. I’m still in that “pinch me, I must be dreaming” phase with him. He is so amazing and so much better of a man than I ever thought I deserved or could have. I feel so grateful. I know he doesn’t care what my job is. He told me after our first couple of dates that the only thing I have to do to make him happy is to “just show up”.

    Just gotta make those NVs shut up!!!



  398.  #398Elizabeth on April 26, 2011 at 7:38 am

    more for you, Lurker…

    With all his challenges, I was still willing to hang in there and develop the intimacy and love…what he deep down wanted too, but every time I expressed what would feel good to me, or what I didn’t want, he lashed out saying he was being attacked. It was if he was trying to sabotage things before they really got started. I detect a hard shell there.

    Like LD said:
    “Makes me wonder how many past relationships I sabotaged by projecting my own insecurities and self esteem issues onto the man”

    but all indications here are that this was much more true on his end, and it was being projected onto me.

    I wasn’t being too demanding, suspicious, jealous — far from it.

    I only wanted basic courtesies and not to feel like I was involved in a shell game.

    There is no doubt I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

    xxxooo



  399.  #399Darling Ella on April 26, 2011 at 7:40 am

    SLV -I hope you are alright …I have been thinking about u…u are sure missed here…:(

    Warm hugs,



  400.  #400Prairie Girl on April 26, 2011 at 7:40 am

    260: LD says:

    I asked for the best and most happiness for me and my kids and within weeks I met D, who has been simply amazing.
    ————————-
    Okay..i just skipped to the bottom of the post to write this but this is what I thought when I read #260… I got goosebumps and felt VERY excited for you….

    You did ask for the BEST right?

    What if it is coming in different packaging than you expected?

    What would happen if you relaxed your grip … the grip that has kept you and your kids safe and secure, I know…. and as you watched all the changes unfold just feel a bit of excitement… like maybe you don’t have to row that boat either…what if the BEST is better than you could had already planned? And it’s unfolding because you asked… and you were ready? And your kids are ready too….

    Oh, and I’m telling this to myself as well… you do know we teach that which we most need to learn right?….LMAO… yeah… I’m gonna go practice what I’m preachin’….

    If I’ve just repeated something that was said 10 times …sorry… I’ll go catch up on posts now…

    Angels on your body
    PG



  401.  #401LD on April 26, 2011 at 7:47 am

    PG,

    Yes, I’m trying to relax my grip and just TRUST that the BEST in the other areas is still coming. I’ve already seen proof in the form of D, who makes my 100+ Cds of the past almost 3 years pale in comparison. He even makes THE EX pale in comparison, and I NEVER thought I’d say that!

    But I’ve been rowing so hard and for so long by myself it’s gonna take a whole reassessment of who I am to let go completely. I have always been a rower. I gotta figure out my new non-rowing identity.

    But I’m trying. I’m not completely relaxed, but my knuckles aren’t blue anymore either…



  402.  #402SummerBaby on April 26, 2011 at 7:48 am

    PG,

    I’ma loving that post of yours. I’m gonna take it to heart too..

    summerbaby



  403.  #403Boomer on April 26, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Re: Cheating.

    There are lots of “tempted cheaters,” but Kaitlyn and I look like the only real cheatin’ hos here! I suspect some of the other cheaters just aren’t confessing though…

    😉

    “Cheating” was not in my make-up. I was a really good Catholic girl. Like that Tom Petty song, “Freefallin'” ….”Shes a good girl, loves her mama. Loves Jeeez-us and America too. She’s a good girl, ‘crazy bout Elvis…loves horses and her boyfriend too…” Guys, seriously, I had a Mary shrine in my room and I was the fricking May Queen in 8th grade.

    I saw someone from high school recently at a neighborhood bar I went to with some friends…she was one of the bad girls. I was pretty toasted and told her that I been divorced twice, had messed around on number one, had a litter of children, and was lookin’ for another man…she cracked up and said, “You? You were the All A-Freakin-Merican girl! if you’re a cheatin’ ho, then what does that say about me???”

    I guess my point is again about the “mistake” thing. It’s not mistakes and you’re not a horrible person. You were just where you were and made some decisions.

    What can I do to help you, Kaitlyn??? Cuz I find I want to…rather than focusing on “Ad-dumb” and what a prize he was, let’s talk about how awesome Kaitlyn is, shall we??? Why she’s the prize…

    Do me a favor??? Tell us three things about you that are fabulous. That you love about yourself….

    I can start…other sirens, tell us why YOU are fabulous too…let’s get a cool vibe going here for Kaitlyn…

    I am freakin’ fabulous because:

    – I am smart as a whip.
    – My sexy curves are kickin’!
    – I am one of the best mothers I know.

    OK, Kaitlyn…and other Sirens (and the Beastie Boyz if you wanna chime in)…your turn!



  404.  #404Elizabeth on April 26, 2011 at 7:53 am

    It would be nice to hear from SLV to know if she is alright and how things are going for her.

    If she is reading, I’m sure she feels grateful for our concern and that her unique presence is missed.

    I can understand about being busy, and she did mention how addicting the blog is, so she may just be taking care of herself in that regard.

    I find this to be true as well.

    And am probably going to need to scale back some here, too, because I really, really, need to focus on work and taking care of myself more and it seems to take up a lot of time reading and responding here, as much as I love doing that and everybody here.

    Hi SLV!!

    🙂

    xxxooo



  405.  #405Ladybird on April 26, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Mercedes: He thinks (really believes) that if he hadn’t been put in that place he might still be going along as we were and taking for granted that I would always be there no matter what.
    I like what you have to say on this, it really resonates with me.

    My girlfriend told me that I probably gave my ex a wake up call although this was not my intention as it was my focus to take care of myself and my feelings. Even although my ex and I both agreed we were at the same point in our lives, ready to settle down, have a family and had a great connection, compatability and chemistry, his actions didn’t match his words. The situation was making me sad so I had to have boundaries and walk. I didn’t blame him just stated how I felt and that maybe that we didn’t want the same thing after all…… and now today he contacted me after 7 weeks of not seeing/contacting each other. I’m wondering WHY he has contacted me again?



  406.  #406LD on April 26, 2011 at 7:59 am

    Thanks a lot Boomer, now I’m gonna be singing Tom Petty all day long!!!



  407.  #407Prairie Girl on April 26, 2011 at 8:07 am

    #406 Boomer…
    Okay….

    1) I am an amazing quilter/fabric artist
    2) I am a fabulous mother
    3) I am drop dead sexy

    Hmmm… I do feel better… Kisses to you woman!
    PG



  408.  #408Elizabeth on April 26, 2011 at 8:10 am

    I am freakin’ fabulous because:

    no reason,

    I just AM!!!

    xxxooo



  409.  #409Femininepower on April 26, 2011 at 8:12 am

    RE 410 Elizabeth I was watching a SATC episode and the other night and your comments triggered a memory from it where Carrie was sharing what she needed from Aden. Something to the effect that “I have never lived with anyone before so this might not come out quite right as I have never done it before or have had to deal with it before. I need you to not talk to me for 1 hour. I will be in the next room but I want to it to be like I am not here”.

    So I am wondering if you could use something like this, “I am not criticizing you, this is about my feelings and I need to express myself honestly, is this a good time to talk. I am not sure I am saying this right but sometimes I feel attacked. I understand you had some unpleasant experiences in the past but I would like you to help us find a way to relate to each other in a healthy way that honors each others feelings.”



  410.  #410Mercedes on April 26, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Ladybird: It might have been a wakeup call. It might be because he misses you. I might be because he was bored. It might be because he got a new puppy. It might be because the alarm went off or he burned dinner or he’s seen the light…LOL

    What I mean is it totally doesn’t matter why he contacted you and you may never know. He’s the only one who knows why and he probably wants to either keep that to himself or share with you when the time is right.

    What does matter is this:

    “his actions didn’t match his words” and how you feel now.

    If you feel good about the contact and if you don’t forget to pay attention to whether or not those actions have changed, then it’s all good.

    My advice…don’t compromise for your future, pay attention to how you feel, pay attention to what he does and make sure you don’t waste time and you don’t fully give your heart to a man who isn’t ready for it.

    Meaning… “you should circular date”. LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  411.  #411Ladybird on April 26, 2011 at 8:16 am

    Rivergirl @ 299: that is so lovely and I’m gonna print that off and stick it above my desk!!

    Turquoise @253: wow, that it’s great and I think it’s been a great learning experience for you!! As long as you didn’t have any expectations then why not?

    LD @ 255: changing allows more opportunities into our life! If we keep doing the same, we keep getting the same….. if you want different, make changes.



  412.  #412The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 8:22 am

    #408 Ladybird “I’m wondering WHY he has contacted me again?”
    Can’t it simply be that he didn’t get much pus.., uh, positive female feedback recently?
    🙂
    Well, I have to admit that was the reason why I tried to hit on an ex (who was still a good friend) every now and then. I was only hoping for sex, not for a revival. I knew we both hadn’t changed, and that it wouldn’t work out as a relationship. Uh, she didn’t really appreciate my new advances, though…



  413.  #413Ladybird on April 26, 2011 at 8:24 am

    Mercedes, I hear you!

    It felt good to hear from him and it made me smile but I’m totally focusing on me and it felt good to tell him I’m going away to another country for the weekend showing him I’m not sitting around moping around after him. I think he’s used to women chasing after him, wanting his attention, but I ain’t one of them.

    I’m CDing my friend this weekend and then going to a ball the following weekend so lots of CDing planned.



  414.  #414Elizabeth on April 26, 2011 at 8:31 am

    412 FP

    Thank you for that.
    I feel really sad right now.
    He said he is sad and disappointed
    at what might have been and returned christmas gifts.
    That felt callous and mean. He
    couldn’t just have gotten rid of them,
    he had to return them. Like, what did
    I ever do to you, dude? I never yelled and
    screamed at him like a crazy b*tch.
    He always said I was stronger than him.
    Maybe he can’t live with that. I dunno.
    xxxooo



  415.  #415Ladybird on April 26, 2011 at 8:33 am

    Lurker @415: that made me laugh! I feel it’s hard for him to dedicate time to a relationship as he obsessed by his sport although at an age where he’s going down the rankings hence his move towards settling down, family etc. I think he likes female attention, receiving texts from women he knows and who ‘like’ him a lot but not the kind of guy to put it around as he works hard and does so much training. I also feel he’s a little bit scared of commitment, at 46, never married and never lived with a woman?

    Mercedes, you have set my head straight, thanks, it doesn’t matter what the reason is but I feel good that I was open and friendly and the next time I have to see him in that office, it won’t be as awkward.



  416.  #416Laughing Goddess on April 26, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Ooooo, I like this!

    1. I am radiantly gorgeous
    2. I have a smile that melts hearts
    3. I am a sweet and loving partner, friend, sister, daughter



  417.  #417Laughing Goddess on April 26, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Missing you too SLV!

    Is sweetie keeping you busy?



  418.  #418The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 9:00 am

    #398 Liz, I feel a bit uncomfortable taling about the reasons why guys feel unappreciated in a relationship. After all, I’m no coach, and so my “database” limited to my own experiences and those of friends. Ok?

    Well, I have three cases in mind where friends told me almost verbatim that they felt unappreciated by their longterm girlfriend/wife. For two of them, it was the feeling that they were seen as standalone entertainers by their women. They were responsible for providing fun every single evening, with the girls not even offering any ideas, only a steady stream of criticism and open boredom. They didn’t feel they were rewarded in any way for their efforts, quite to the contrary, it was a regular point of arguments. That really dragged them down. Btw, that was something I experienced with a girlfriend, too, and it was exhausting.

    The same guys complained about their ladies’ lack of intellectual interest in news, politics , arts, science, virtually everything except fashion, pop, and travels. So, this seems to be related. Probably mismatches, where the intial passion distracted from the fact that the partners were not compatible in the long run.

    Another point raised, in two cases (overlapse) were high materialistic demands. The guys were concerned their loved ones had no real grip of finances, and still expected them to provide a lifestyle that was actually above their salaries. For one guy, who was really madly in love with his girl, it became so extreme that, over some time, he spent all his savings on her wishes. And then she left him, btw. Of course, those friends felt depressed that their financial contributions to the relationships, resulting in they themselves cutting back on their own wishes, were never really honored, but always seen as not good enough.

    There were more such stories, friends complaining about missing respect or appreciation from their girls, but those are those were I remember the details. I’m sure a relationship coach like E., who has to deal with such stuff every day, could provide many more insights. Would be nice if he weighed in.



  419.  #419Pamelala on April 26, 2011 at 9:16 am

    Femininewoman –

    Thanks so much. I missed you all as well, but just had to detox a bit from the addiction that is this blog.

    I am amazing because:
    There is no one quite like me
    I am the most caring, supportive friend and mother
    I can find beauty everywhere

    Confession: I was bursting with anger the other day (lack of sleep, hormones, whatever) and just couldn’t resist sending an e-mail to P letting him know that I was angry at myself for falling for the setup, for being the man, and for trusting without wisdom. I shared that I was angry at him for being passive, for saying “what you see is what you get” and leaving the interpretation up to me and copping out by not saying anything when it was clear that my interpretation was incorrect. I ask for forgiveness for my part in the disaster that was our relationship and asked him to pray and break any soulties that might still exist on his end because I still felt tied to him, but didn’t want to be.

    Yup, I did all the wrong things! However, he responded with strength. He wrote back the next day agreeing that he had, indeed, been wrong, that he had failed in his role as ‘leader’ in the relationship (in accordance with our shared faith practices..ymmv) and asked for forgiveness as he, in turn, forgave me for my part in it. We wished one another a happy life and said goodbye.

    It felt good to end it as adults instead of as wounded children. I know, according to Rori, that closure isn’t needed, but I felt that the distance between us had brought so much clarity and the emotions tempered enough that I’d give it a shot without expectation. Of course, that’s what I say now…it was really an impulse e-mail that was written with a tight rein on emotions.

    Anyway, just wanted to share. I’m loving catching up with everyone’s stories but am sad that SLV is gone. 🙁



  420.  #420Elizabeth on April 26, 2011 at 9:32 am

    421

    OK. Thank you, for answering, Lurker 🙂
    I will comment more later,
    gotta run
    xxxooo



  421.  #421Femininepower on April 26, 2011 at 10:39 am

    Pamelala thanks for sharing that.



  422.  #422Queenbee on April 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

    RE: 377 – LD, Thanks so much for your response and caring.

    Yes, don’t know why you want to defend him…??

    I’ve been doing nothing….

    We’ve dated for 5 months. We are sexually exclusive and we talked about an LTR w/ marriage (his idea) and we had agreed that we both felt good about it.

    So yes, his words and actions make me feel unloved and insecure.

    Thanks Lurker – at least that makes me feel better about my long post – let’s just blame Rusty – lol, kidding Rusty – no blame here 🙂

    xoxox



  423.  #423Laughing Goddess on April 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

    It’s definitely Rusty’s fault!!!



  424.  #424Laughing Goddess on April 26, 2011 at 11:04 am

    😉



  425.  #425Queenbee on April 26, 2011 at 11:22 am

    RE 384 – LD, if it were me, I would do nothing. Just chill out and relax. Trust him to lead. Your relationship is still young… so if he comes up with something crappy, just be on the look out. But it depends on how much you can trust him?

    When they are really the good guys, it’s amazing how well they lead and come up with all types of wonderful solutions to everything.

    Just believe that you can have it ALL and go for exactly that. Because you can!

    xoxoxo



  426.  #426turquoise3 on April 26, 2011 at 11:23 am

    Whew…. love this power of positive thinking!!!! I took my van in for a repair this morning, was making a loud vibrating noise, was getting louder… started to worry about the safety issue. So, while taking it there tomorrow, I just kept saying out loud to the universe, that it was going to be a small repair, not more than $200.00 and I SMILED while saying that. Because I can afford that much easily.

    They just called me, it’s a tensioner and belt that need replaced. With labor, $175.21~

    Yeah me and positive thinking! 🙂



  427.  #427Prairie Girl on April 26, 2011 at 11:29 am

    LG I’m having a temper tantrum… maybe hormone induced…

    I’m listening to AH and keep hearing that we get what we expect…..

    Well I EXPECTED to hear from RM… I EXPECTED him to do/be what he said he would…. He’s the LAST person on the planet I EXPECTED to disappear without a SINGLE word! It pains me to admit, but I EXPECTED him to be the “all that and a bag of chips” keeper…. he had all the signs…so WTF do I have wrong?

    If there is a God I’m lucky I haven’t been struck by lightening today…though… I don’t really EXPECT that to happen… God’s very patient with me….

    I’m in a bad bad mood…if I hadn’t just paid for my subscription I would be taking my profile down on the cowboy site…. and I was so pollyana positive the other day with Lilybelle about that… sorry Lil… I’m in the toilet today… don’t really feel like crawlin out either… may just swim here in germville until I get all pruny….

    I really resonated w/what Pam said she did… and have to confess that (before I read what she did) This am I left RM a message saying that I officially felt really bad, that he was the last person on earth I expected to disappear w/out a single word.. that I guess I must have done something really wrong if he couldn’t even talk to me again… that I hoped his gravity boots brought him back to my planet cause I liked him even better after I met him then I did before..

    I know I’m a BAD siren… a non-siren even…I’m feeling a bitterness coming on… my BFF said a few weeks ago that she could never see me being bitter… well I think she’s wrong…

    I seriously want to be left alone by men if they are not here for more than a passing wave/date/wtf ever….

    I feel like I could be the evil sirens that EAT or drown men… that’s the pissed off going through me now…

    Geez and just a couple days ago I was so sweet and peace-filled doing The Work… and even day before yesterday feeling positive listening to AH….

    I feel like a complete failure….

    PG



  428.  #428Queenbee on April 26, 2011 at 11:39 am

    I’m freakin’ fabulous because
    1) I shine as brightly as the rising sun
    2) I am ambitious, determined and I never give up
    3) I’m stunning, sexy and loving to everything in nature

    Thanks Boomer! Love this!

    xoxo



  429.  #429turquoise3 on April 26, 2011 at 11:42 am

    Awww PG, I’m sorry you are feeling so terribly, but please get out of the germy toilet. Go sit outside, feel a breeze, get some fresh air and something good to drink and cry if you feel like you can. It totally sucks when they disappear. I don’t get it at all. The only thing that I can think of, is that they don’t think that they can be what we need, so they pull back. I really don’t think they like to disappoint us, and sometimes they hope we will be the one that will inspire this big change in them…. but the reality of us not being perfect, shows up and it bursts their bubble. I think men are less tolerent of flaws then women. Not saying you have flaws…. just that he must think he can’t give you what you are looking for.

    Breathe PG! You’ll be ok!



  430.  #430Boomer on April 26, 2011 at 11:45 am

    Oh, PG. remember asking God to shield you from the ones who are not step up? Maybe that’s just what’s happening. And the Power of Attracton (PoA) stuff tends to work on your truly-held beliefs, not so much your expectations–that’s my take.

    So if your deep-down belief is still “men all leave,” then it may still be happening just that way: they leave you. And I also understand that such vibe shifting can take some time until you are firmly entrenched in a belief of “men all love me and stay! And really, they’re starting to get on my nerves…leave already!”

    Now having said that, part of the PoA theory that bugs me so much is that it feels kinda blamey: “You do not believe! You are bringing this negativity onto yourself!”

    I dunno–am I babbling?



  431.  #431Lucy on April 26, 2011 at 11:46 am

    ((((PG)))) I know the feeling! 🙁 A friend just posted on fb that we often expect something with our mind, but deep in our heart we expect something different – and that’s what goes wrong. So the task is in healing what our hearts expect. Not an easy task.



  432.  #432Lucy on April 26, 2011 at 11:50 am

    I don’t know though… When I met WH, I thought sure “this is it!” – and it felt so obvious to me, so clear deep in my heart, and I was shocked when he didn’t want to pursue it anymore.



  433.  #433tinque on April 26, 2011 at 11:52 am

    ParirieGirl – Or just throw rocks at them. lol

    Seriously though, this IS NOT your fault. Maybe he’s skittish or scared or just not able. And maybe he’ll come back. It doesn’t matter.

    Go ahead and swim in your toilet for awhile. It’s not so bad to wallow for a bit, and really, really feel your wallowiness. But I do suggest you get out before someone makes poopoo.

    This will pass, and yeah hormones will affect you in all kind of strange and horrible ways too.

    Big hugs, beautiful goddess lady.

    xxoo



  434.  #434Lucy on April 26, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Hey! Is E wearing the same shirt Jonathon is in his pro pics?? Like, are they sharing that shirt? hehe



  435.  #435Laughing Goddess on April 26, 2011 at 11:55 am

    PG: omg, you are so cute!

    I feel so amused reading your post. I totally understand where you are coming from.

    I want to write more but just wanted to say this first.

    It’s okay to feel angry and bitter. Your nv’s and shadow are all screaming to be heard, maybe?

    I went through something similar yesterday…worts about it a little…resistance to change…

    Sweetie, it hasn’t been all that long since you saw LM, right? I now we run on woman time, but in man time I don’t think this counts as poofing. It’s only been a few days, yes?

    I know, I know, you want more. You want good morning texts and daily contacts. And you will have that.

    I think this is what AH is saying. You want certain things, and you will have them, but you gotta stop worrying about the stuff that doesn’t match up.

    If you can’t reframe it into a positive scenario, if the negative feelings are too strong. That’s cool. Just feel them and love them. They will morph eventually, more quickly if you just feel them.

    What has been working for me lately is Rori’s riffing tool

    I feel bitter
    I love my bitter

    Can I really love my bitter?

    Ya, it’s okay that I feel bitter. I know it’s not who I really am. It’s an emotion that will pass.

    I know from BK and AH that if I’m feeling badly about something then it means I am believing something that my inner being knows is not true.

    The bad feelings are my indication.

    So I love my bitter because it let’s me know when my thoughts and beliefs aren’t serving me.

    How does that feel so far?



  436.  #436turquoise3 on April 26, 2011 at 11:56 am

    🙁 I believe all men leave too….. most of the time, it is what happens to me. I feel like I need to practice breaking up with someone. As soon as it starts to get wierd, I need to break it off. But, that isn’t the Rori way. We are supposed to step back, refocus our energy, but leave it open. I never told Tom off, but I sure felt like it. I will say though, I got through it pretty easily, so maybe not having that extra drama or fight with him, let me get over him faster.

    The reason now I see him just as a man, is because he already disappointed me. So, no rose colored glasses….

    I so miss being in love and having someone love me back.



  437.  #437Boomer on April 26, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    Can I make it all about me again?

    But first, Kaitlyn…I NEED you to respond to me…why are you fabulous??? Many other sires have stepped up to say how they are fabulous…your turn…

    OK, back to me…

    Mr. Ohio. Bleh. He emailed me for two weeks after our second date, and as I have mentioned, it was like he was writing to his sister. None of the flirty, sexy (too sexy) emails from between dates 1 and 2. All about “I am so busy” and “I slept through last night’s storm” and “Have a nice day.” No mention about seeing each other again. No phone calls. I replied politely and semi-positively to all his emails.

    Finally, after the fourth or fifth non-sequiter-filled email of his, I asked what the deal was. Are you just trying not to be “that guy” by not just poofing? I said I felt confused and that it feels bad not knowing whether he is interested in me or just trying not to be a jerk.

    It took a few days, but he finally replied and beat around the bush for a few paragraphs. The upshot was as follows: “The chemistry was incredible, but there are just enough disconnects that I am leaning toward dating someone else I have met. But we can keep emailing and explore a friendship if you like.”

    Wha???? Of course, my reaction was “Hell to the no.”

    But I have not written him back.

    What are my options to be most Siren-like at this point (even if I already fell off my Siren rock by forcing him to tell me what his deal is)??? Here are the options I see:

    – Just not reply at all–let it drop. A silent “Good day, sir! And get yo’ a$$ off my dang horse!”
    – Reply with a “Seriously? Hell to the no!”
    – Reply politely and say no thanks to friendship and why–I am not looking for friends, but my “one true man,” and that being friends with a man who tried so adamantly to sleep with me feels icky. I don’t ever want to be “Plan B” or “Plan C” for any man.
    – Reply saying I’d love to be friends with him (Hahahaha…as if).
    – Other?

    Am I missing an option?? What do you all think?

    The truth is–and this context may help you choose the best option for me–he did not appeal to me intellectually or to my sense of humor. I don’t think he understood a lot of what I was saying. He was yummy to look upon though. And so, was he “the one true man?” Nope. I just wonder when he figured out about our disconnects…WHILE he was making out with me and trying to get me to take him upstairs? Before that? After that?

    Yech. I feel so…dirty…when I think about it.

    And in case anyone suggests it, yes, I am CDing my little tuschie off! It’s not HIM so much as the (repeated) rejection. What is my best therapy from Mr. Ohio. What’s my message?



  438.  #438Mercedes on April 26, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    “You start with the negative, you move through it to other thoughts and feelings, you love even your negative feelings, things morph, you go round about until another negative feeling emerges, you work with that one…that’s more what I like to do and suggest. Inundating yourself with just either “negative” or “positive” thoughts seems like way to much thinking, way too much “in a box” – I like movement. I like to feel things move around in me and through me.”

    – Rori Raye



  439.  #439Lucy on April 26, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    Mercedes… you always make me smile. 🙂 How are you feeling today? <3



  440.  #440Mercedes on April 26, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Lucy: I am feeling FABULOUS!! Well…except for the fact that J just got home and now he’s traveling again for a couple of days….and I’m traveling one day this week…and I miss him. But other than missing my love, I feel BEAUTIFUL.

    Oh…and my skin is still very, very soft from my spa treatment. 🙂

    And how about you beautiful one? How are you feeling today?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  441.  #441Femininepower on April 26, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Rusty/Lurk I got this from another coach and am wondering what you think about it:-

    Let me tell you a secret. Men may not like to open up about their feelings as much as do women, but they like it when they feel a woman is actually listening to them.

    If you want him to open up to you, here are three magic words you can say that will cause even the most stoic man to find himself wanting to share himself with you.

    “Tell Me More”

    Here’s how it works:
    Susan: “How was your day?”
    Stan: “Fine.”
    Susan (smiling): “Tell me more.”
    Stan: “I said it was fine, what more is there to tell?”
    Susan: “I know you did, but still…tell me more.”

    At this moment, let me tell you what he’s thinking. “Huh, she actually seems interested. That’s odd because I don’t think I’d find it that interesting. O.K. if she wants to know then I’ll tell her.” And he begins to open up.

    Oh it sounds so simple, and yet it works like a charm. He won’t make fun of you I promise. I’ve used this technique with clients for over 20 years and it always works. People love it when someone actually tells them that they want you to share MORE.

    Try it on your man or try it on men you don’t even know that well. You’ll stand out from most women because you will actually seem interested in what he has to say.



  442.  #442turquoise3 on April 26, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    Boomer, I’d sit on it for a day or so before replying. Think about what you really want to say so you don’t have any regrets. I understand what you mean about the rejection…. but like you told PG, if he’s not the one, better to find out now. If God is looking out for our romantic sanity, I’ll take it. I don’t know that I’d throw him off the horse. There may be a day when you just want someone fun and hot to hang out with, or call him to come move furniture, etc. At least he wasn’t still persuing you while feeling out someone else.

    I love what you asked about what’s fabulous about us… I know I focus more on what I don’t like sometimes.

    1. I have amazingly beautiful and deep brown eyes. Men get lost in them. 🙂

    2. I have a huge heart, love to give and take care of others. My girls have a good mom. 😉

    3. I love my outgoing and positive personality. I can make the best of most situations.

    AND JUST FOR FUN: Every man I’ve been with since my divorce has told me how much they love the way I give oral sex, and that I have such a high sex drive 🙂



  443.  #443tinque on April 26, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Boomer – If you were feeling as if he’s not up to your level intellectually and otherwise, of course he will feel this to and thus the disconnect.

    If you don’t want to see him anymore, why ask how to end this. Just end it. Thank you and good night.

    “Remaining friends doesn’t feel good to me. I don’t want to feel like a back up plan.”

    If you had a good time with him, thank him for that, and leave it at that.

    xxoo



  444.  #444The Lurker on April 26, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    #444 “Susan (smiling): “Tell me more.”
    Stan: “I said it was fine, what more is there to tell?”
    Susan: “I know you did, but still…tell me more.””

    Yeah, that will work like a charm! Most guys I know will start to tell you boring details about their workday, about their car troubles, about what they had for lunch and other useless stuff. If the coach calls that “opening up”…

    Really, why should a guy talk about feelings after that question? Especially if he, like me, actually thinks talking too much about emotions at a date is a mistake? Because much too often women showed a reduced interest after we did that? Really, I’m not sure at all if being open about feelings too soon is a good idea. But maybe that’s only me.