Fear And Love

Untitled design (14)

england 2Fear grabs you.

It stops whatever you’re doing, dries up your desire and want and motivation, throws cold water on your dreams.

It rises up from your belly to your throat and makes you instantly, with every molecule of your body, heart, and mind, want to control everything around you.

It makes you doubt yourself.

It makes you doubt the intentions of life – as though life has turned from your loving friend with infinite possibilities to your enemy, blocking you at every move you even begin to make.

In “A Course In Miracles” – we don’t talk so much about the “Love Track and the Fear Track” – we talk about:

Everything is either Love – or a Call for Love.

And yet – my Call for Love feels mightily like FEAR.

Now…as I began writing this, and wrote the sentence above, that my Call for Love feels like Fear – I got the urge to ask myself: “And what exactly is fear, to me?”

I came up immediately with “fear of death, fear of pain, fear of illness, fear of no safety….”

Everything I came up with seemingly had nothing to do with Love.

In other words, I seem to be less afraid of not having love as I’m afraid of pain and physical danger.

So – I ask myself – where does that come from?

And, of course, the answer is: Nowhere real.

It comes from my experience. It comes from the molecules of my body that were impacted by my experience – and they never forgot.

It comes from pictures held in the cells of my body.

It comes from nerve pathways where “A” happens, and then automatically triggers “B.”

I’m like a trip wire.

I’m like a set of explosives – and everything around me is a match.

I am on autopilot.

I react.

I react so fast – I can’t even tell what “thought” or “belief” set off the reaction.

For some women – a man simply smiling at them can set all this in motion.

For some – it takes a deeper scare.

When you know that most women have been filled with explosives and their triggers in the cells of their being – through abuse as children, abuse as adults, accidents, catastrophes, words hurled at them, physical calamity, illness…so many possibilities here…it’s amazing to consider that any one of us is more in a state of “healing” than in a state of “distress.”

Some of us deal with fear by holing up, stuffing down, sticking ourselves somewhere and staying stuck, shutting down, closing off, and running – physically and emotionally…

Some of us deal with fear by going into it – jumping off cliffs with fabric wings or skateboards, wire-walking across canyons, riding bikes and skiing over hills and through the air at death-defying speed, sleeping with men who seem dangerous…

How did YOU learn to deal with your fear? How did YOU learn to “Call for love?’

I learned the first example:

Shut down, clam up, close down, hide myself, and do everything I could mentally figure out to get people’s (and men’s – but this includes ALL people) approval. Approval would do if I couldn’t get love and affection. Sometimes even just being in the same room counted as approval. Having sex with me counted as approval. And all this was in the name of some kind of imagined “safety.”

If I could get this “approval” – then I would be safe.

Only thing is – I never, ever knew: from WHAT would I be safe?

I just kept following the track I’d always followed.

My mother and father enforced this daily, fearing their own fears while they parented me, reminding me that safety was “all.”

My standards were low.

And I also learned that in order to focus on safety and approval (in the form of love, affection and tenderness, if I could get that) – I had to control everything around me.

And this is the thing about fear, no matter how it shows up for you, or how you deal with it – running, attacking, just freezing in place, numb to it all: In order to deal with fear at all – you have to control everything around you.

*You have to “prepare” for every contingency so fear doesn’t grab you.

*You have to watch everything you say and do so you don’t accidentally trip the fear wire inside you.

*You have to watch everything everyone ELSE says and does – so THEY don’t accidentally (or on purpose, because that’s what relationships are for – tripping the wires) trip the fear wire inside you.

And the really icky part of this is – there’s so MUCH to actually trip the fear wire in this world! And every day, we’re reminded of pain. someone, somewhere is experiencing intense pain, and it is but the grace of God that I do not feel that today.

So – the natural progression here, for me, is to my relationship to God, or to what I don’t know, or to what is out there just over the hill in the open road.

This relationship is then structured EXACTLY like all my other experience-driven coping strategies (the things that show up first): Get approval. Get approval, love, affection. Get SAFETY. Get LOVE.

If I’m calling for love – what’s happening?

If I’m calling for something – I clearly don’t believe I have it.

That’s not so tragic or difficult if it’s a car I call for, or a house, or a pancake maker, or new shoes.

But when it’s the basics of life (love, affection, tenderness, feeling heard, feeling worthy and seeing that reflected back in someone else’s opinion, shelter, food, emotional and physical safety), it’s easy to spend your entire lifespan – every waking minute (and the ones asleep, too) trying to get it, working for it, calling for it.

And so we grab onto one man, go through the same experience of trying, wanting, controlling, losing, feeling empty. We do it over and over again – because that’s all we know.

We don’t have, so we’re always calling.

Fear not only grabs you: It makes you grab.

Undoing this system, this protocol, this procedural we all have going like a computer program or a wound clock, that’s what we’re doing here.

It’s about the most sacred thing I can imagine.

Redefining my relationship to life.

Redefining my relationship to fear.

Redefining my relationship to love.

There are so many things to give up.

I start by giving up calling fear “fear,” and instead, call it a “Call.”

I’m dialing in for help.

I’m dialing in for what I think I don’t have.

I’m trying to grab.

I’m feeling need.

Okay. I start from there.

If you’re still feeling “hung up” on any one man, or any one experience you’ve lived through or are living through – try this:

1. Imagine you’re on a stairway.

2. You can go up – and you have no idea what’s up there.

3. You can go down – and you have a vague, unsettling feeling of what may be there.

4. You can fall.

5. And so – this man is like the handrail you grab so you don’t fall. You grab, you hold. If he wiggles away, you smile at him prettily and yet hurt so loud he can hear it. You look for the best place to grab onto him. He becomes the only thing that can stop your fall.

6. Now – don’t grab.

6. Don’t even reach out your hand to catch yourself.

7. Next time you find yourself feeling like grabbing onto him: Fall.

In fact, on your way down the stairway, yell at the top of your lungs “Whoopie, I’m moving!”  Embrace the scary, empty air as it zooms past your ears, and…

Dive for it.

The stairway is yours, all of it.

Let me know how it feels.

Love, Rori

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in

199 Comments

  1.  #1Sophie on August 7, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    wow! what a post! I could really feel the sensation of not grabbing and allowing myself to fall! it felt tummy turning over scary but also quite liberating; independent. and i felt empowered by the staircase image of being able to just keep on walking up those stairs; taking the steps without feeling the need to hold on to anyone, gathering up the strength. that felt strong. I want to remember these images. Thank you Rori.



  2.  #2Sophie on August 7, 2013 at 2:32 pm

    I didnt see myself diving but falling backwards and landing was just landing on my back looking up at the ceiling and the staircase with it all a bit spinning round like on a film but peaceful; nothing worse than that



  3.  #3Sophie on August 7, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    “*You have to watch everything everyone ELSE says and does – so THEY don’t accidentally (or on purpose, because that’s what relationships are for – tripping the wires) trip the fear wire inside you.”

    This is where I am right now in my life. I have been really aware of this the last few months and now I see how strong this is in my life. I feel happy that I know because I am taking steps to let it go more and more.



  4.  #4Zia on August 7, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Still no word from the guy…. I feel a little confused, but I know it’s not my place to wonder why he hasn’t been in touch. All that matters is to keep focusing on me 🙂



  5.  #5Tereana on August 7, 2013 at 7:44 pm

    Aaaagghh. Whoa. I just sent probably the most powerful, raw message I’ve ever sent in my life. And it took only a matter of minutes.

    Honestly, this thing has been bugging me for so long.

    I posted, over a year ago about a man I called a “CD,” but he really wasn’t. He was my first real crush. My first love, if you will. If my love was like an infatuation, so be it. It doesn’t matter. The “love” feeling has never gone away. It is activated if ever I see him, even if it lies dormant for years. And I have a suspicion that it blocks – and has blocked – many of my relationships, because honestly, a guy could be really amazing, and it still wouldn’t be HIM.

    He is “T.” And about 2 years ago, he got married to another mutual high school friend of ours. It’s a little annoying, because she was always perfectly beautiful, and you could kind of hate her for her alabaster skin, but you really couldn’t, because she was so d*mn nice and friendly. I honestly like them both, but I never thought they would stay together. They now have their first child, about four months old.

    Well, I thought I’d cleared it a out. Wrote a letter to him and burned it. But that didn’t take care of it. I’ve been thinking about it more and more.

    So I just sent him a message. Not too long. But I admitted my feelings were still there, and that’s really the reason I haven’t been a good friend to them lately.

    He’ll probably talk to her about it or something. I really don’t care. I need to focus on myself. And know that, my person is out there. Though, I will admit this here: it’s hard to believe. I was SO convinced, for SO long, that he was the one for me, and the only person I wanted to be with…as much as I know it’s not true, it’s just hard for a part of me to entertain other possibilities.

    Well, good night, sirens.

    I guess I just need to get over the “fear” that there really isn’t anyone else out for me. As well as the fear that there really is…



  6.  #6Tereana on August 7, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Oh, and a little side-note about their relationship: it started out as casual sex. Totally not serious and not committed. And I’ve heard other stories about casual sex that later became something more. It’s not necessarily the end of the road. I know I need to shift a lot of my beliefs around this…



  7.  #7Femininewoman on August 7, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    These most recent articles have been a series of awesomeness



  8.  #8Lisa on August 7, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    @WG I guess this is what I was meaning in a long drawn out way… form the newsletter:

    “from the willingness to connect to passion no matter WHAT’S getting in the way.

    No matter the anger, no matter the fatigue, no matter the distance, no matter the doubt, no matter what.”

    and of course things come to us when we don’t want them so much… that ticks me off!!!… ( my ego anyways) I want to have a tantrum… and say I’ve waited long enough Da..n it… !! I want it now! and of course the tantrum isn’t going to work… 🙂 It isn’t in my control of when he comes… blugh…

    Thanks for you insight..

    OXOX



  9.  #9Emerson on August 7, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    Tereana it feels powerful and raw to read your story about T.
    I have an ideal that I was caugh up on for a long time too and he was an ex and my first love. Well it took a long time but now he is no longer my ideal at all. You *can* shift.
    I’ve made a conscious decision what and who I want to feel attracted to. It has opened up more options …more men…



  10.  #10Emerson on August 7, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    In this article rori is talking about fear & as im reading it I’m so aware that I am fearful that I’ve made wrong choices in the past and now I’ve “ruined” my destiny which is silly but I fear that. I fear that a man will hook me in like my first love and former ideal and then drop me…
    I don’t want to hang on to that anymore!!
    It is blocking me…
    I fear most of all a broken heart…



  11.  #11blue rose on August 7, 2013 at 11:13 pm

    I agree Femininewoman. These have been some really good articles.



  12.  #12Cris on August 8, 2013 at 12:06 am

    we fear broken heart but we know how to heal it based on pur experiences, it does not avoid fear



  13.  #13Syreena on August 8, 2013 at 2:03 am

    Hi Terena, were you ever together with your crush?



  14.  #14Too Much on August 8, 2013 at 4:46 am

    Aaarrggh big triggers for me today

    I need to pull back and start circular dating

    I am going on a date on Friday. Yipee!

    I need to not make this man my life

    I feel so controlled by him and sooooo scared

    I feel I have no power

    I want to be free. He is suffacting me. I have no power to say no..

    I am so angry..

    Why do I always get into these situations with such controlling men..

    I am such a pushover. I am a doormat…

    I am feeling suffocated..



  15.  #15Linda on August 8, 2013 at 5:14 am

    Wow – what a post !

    Fear is what I have been feeling and is at the base of the “homesick” feeling I have been haunted by lately. I am longing for saftey and a sense of well being. It is going to take me a few days to digest this post. Reading it felt like the words were nutrient rich water I need so much but i cant really absorb it. Not yet anyway.

    The idea of falling and not grabbing for anything seems counter-intuitive. Our past does program us.. but not necessarily for success. hmmmm I still have so much to unlearn. It feels overwhelming to me right now.



  16.  #16Lily on August 8, 2013 at 5:28 am

    True! fear feel bad. When I act out of fear I always mess things up. Fear puts pressure!



  17.  #17Dominique on August 8, 2013 at 5:36 am

    Emerson – 10 – There are no wrong choices. They are all learning and growing experiences, choices which have created and continue to create you, beautiful you. That’s feels very special to me.

    xxoo



  18.  #18Femininewoman on August 8, 2013 at 5:47 am

    Is it the brokenheart we fear or the pain of it?

    I wonder if as we get older our minds magnify the pain more and more?

    Even though our experiences prove that a broken heart does heal?



  19.  #19Femininewoman on August 8, 2013 at 5:50 am

    At first, I was afraid, I was petrified
    Kept thinking, I could never live without you by my side
    But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong
    And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

    And so you’re back from outer space
    I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
    I should have changed that stupid lock
    I should have made you leave your key
    If I’d known for just one second you’d be back to bother me

    Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now
    ‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore
    Weren’t you the one, who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
    Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?

    Oh, no, not I, I will survive
    Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive
    I’ve got all my life to live, I’ve got all my love to give
    And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey, hey

    http://www.metrolyrics.com/i-will-survive-lyrics-gloria-gaynor.html



  20.  #20Lily on August 8, 2013 at 5:51 am

    PLEASE READ: AN EXAMPLE OF HOW POWERFUL THE FEELING MESSAGES ARE!

    A man that was (or is) desperately “in love” with me… I never had romantic feelings for him.. not even a slightest. I told him friendship is all I can offer to him. But his neediness made me feel icky towards him.
    Recently we started contacting again and yesterday while texting he used a feeling message. He said: when I talk to you I have a good and beautiful feeling… And something changed inside me. I felt my heart being touched. The person I love, the one that was leaving the UK for the reasons I mentioned in another post also used feeling messages that he I guess learnt from me and it felt natural that it feels good, but when somebody I almost felt disgusted by used it and it dramatically changed the way I think about him proves the power of feelings.
    I still don’t feel romantic towards him and I never will, but that’s because I never was. He’s not someone I can fall for. But if I had feelings for him before this would definitely touch them again. AND it’s not just about the words he said, it’s also about the vibe that was attached to it. I didn’t feel the neediness!
    We are going out together as friends tomorrow which I didn’t feel exited about at all before the feeling message. It even made me miss him in a way…
    It just makes me wonder if someone uses a feeling message you don’t have feelings for has such effect, how powerful it is when we are using them with our men that do have feelings for us, had or have them somewhere deep down. It’s like a magic.
    I MUST NEVER EVER FORGET TO USE THE FEELING MESSAGES AGAIN. and use them correctly! with a clear vibe! with my clear, powerful and feminine vibe. If I wasn’t forgetting it I believe my man would be still here. But it’s good he left, if he was still here maybe I would realize that I’m becoming someone else. Only when he left I realized I was not the feminine and warm, gorgeous woman I used to be. The one that was talking beautifully with her feeling messages. Now I will become her again..



  21.  #21Zia on August 8, 2013 at 6:01 am

    So I have a date Sat night 🙂



  22.  #22Too Much on August 8, 2013 at 7:07 am

    So much stuff coming up for me

    Tip toeing around each other

    Not wanting to upset each other

    I feel frigid with fear, unable to breath

    What do I want.

    I moan about him but then I go running back to him like a puppy wagging it’s tail

    When will I learn?

    I feel angry at myself and I will love and soothe myself for this

    Love to me, forgiveness to me.

    I will learn to love and be there for me.

    I have no faults.

    I am learning

    This is what I’ve learned so far

    This is me…



  23.  #23Too Much on August 8, 2013 at 7:10 am

    I feel tension and pain at my efforts to be perfect

    I feel scared to yell out when someone upsets me

    I feel scared that I am unable to feel comfortable and positive in my current siuation.

    I feel anger at myself for not knowing what to do to make everything alright

    Or what to say to make everything alright

    For upseting others

    Love to me, forgiveness to me…



  24.  #24lacie nancer on August 8, 2013 at 7:20 am

    May I be allowed to post here please?



  25.  #25Too Much on August 8, 2013 at 7:24 am

    I’m try, try, trying to lean back…

    But it’s so, so, so difficult..

    Arrggghhh

    I have no willpower

    Am feeling angry..

    Lol



  26.  #26Linda on August 8, 2013 at 7:39 am

    I wanted to thank all of you who posted to me last thread. There were so many things said that resonated in me. I felt heard, inspired and validated. Thank you so much. I love this community, it truely has made a huge difference in my life.

    THere have been times that I found myself longing for a soft place to land.. ungarded, unconcerned and at total peace within. I realized that “I” need to be that place for me and make that a priority. I would be remiss if I would not confess that I want to feel that way with my partner in life too. I used to have it reversed.. looking for someone from the outside to provide that for me but it was not until I realized that I could be that place for myself that things moved in that direction for me.

    I have had the feeling that I may well be in a relationship with a man who could be categorized as a “serial monogamist”. The longer I know him and more he shares about his past the more it seems to fit.
    He has many many wonderful qualities that I am very attracted to. Time will reveal whether this is a lifetime or purposeful relationship.

    I do feel as if I have been on a roller coaster with him and he is we are in the front seat. Given that I really dont care for drama or emotional unheavel of any kind, I find myself on a ride that I just simply want to get off of.

    I get the vibe this week from him that something has shifted for the good. He is behaving differently in a good way. Perhaps my choosing to say no to being emotionally manipulated and bullied and authenticity and speaking my truth has made room for inspiration and change. Interesting result.

    Indeed I do feel protective of my relationship with my adult children and equally protective of how they would view him…Zara I found what you said about that absoulety right! You put into words feelings that I have been shuffeling around in my heart and could not verbalize. I truely want my adult kids to be able to respect and admire me and the man I invite into our lives. THat desire absolutely directs some decisions that I make. His behavior and emotional tantrums have increased my wariness of exposing him to my most precious inner circle…(my children (adult or not) and grandchild). I certainly do not want to create a revolving door situation in my life in that way.

    FW : Carrying the weight of someone fear of loosing you.. is absolutely a heavy burden to carry and not mine to bear. This is an issue I need to discuss with him. I feel it is his insecurity to work thru and heal. I sense in him that he has gotten stuck in patterns of behaving and that there are muscles he needs to be in a healthy relationship that are weak and underdeveloped. I have no room for temper tantrums and outbursts in my life. However, I am still looking for my own drama queen and give her a say in my life. Just the idea of doing that feels good and more balanced.

    This post about fear… is key here in this for me.



  27.  #27Lisa on August 8, 2013 at 7:57 am

    @Zia

    That’s exciting! I’m happy for you!

    @BeLoved…. {{{{hugs}}}}



  28.  #28Wildgeranium on August 8, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Yes Lisa! I thought of what you were saying immediately! Love this post..

    The ground under our feet is an illusion. When I can get comfortable with that and realize that all the love I will ever need is within me already, fear serves no purpose. It’s like clearing out a very very cluttered room and finding it is just me and my partner there– so much space, I feel like dancing around the room & my partner loves it. It’s happiness.

    XO



  29.  #29BeLoved on August 8, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Awww…thanks Lisa!

    I couldn’t sleep last night so I stayed up and did tapping videos until the anxiety abated and I could sleep 🙂
    Woke up this morning, sat straight up and started tapping in my twilight state. I feel tired of the grogginess in the mornings, something about it feels connected to birth, maybe an ‘anesthetic’ default setting or something who knows but it felt good to tap on it and start my day.

    My self-care protocol for the day is…eating good, clean food! Lots of water!
    I hooked up my mp3 player and have been listening to one of my favorite comedians all morning, making me laugh and giggle. I boxed the ‘other’ stuff into my break this morning, feeling those feelings and acknowledging those thoughts with more EFT…
    then back to the comedy which has been making me laugh and laugh this morning 🙂

    More EFT for lunch, and then group EFT after work tonight, woot!
    Maybe it’s a bit much, but it’s definitely better and more healthy than the way I’ve dealt with these feelings in the past.

    My commitment to me is to not post any more about stuff with T, at least for a while, putting it out on the screen kind of makes it “permanent” and really it’s just a bunch of stories coming up in the wake of feeling triggered pain. I don’t know for sure what’s true here and I feel best keeping the focus on me and putting my thoughts on paper for at least a couple of days…then I can burn them ritually and allow for something new.

    ((((Beloved)))
    Thank you for taking care of yourself!!



  30.  #30Femininewoman on August 8, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Linda – yes a heavy burden. It reminds me to put on the other person’s shoes when expecting/wanting/demanding love. Wanting reassurance of their love. How can it ever be enough when it is always questioned? How can they ever satisfying that need? How can they ever get it right?



  31.  #31Too Much on August 8, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Ahhh more stuff coming up for me

    I realise leaning back is hard

    I desperately want to over function to get his attention

    I feel starved of his attention

    Why does he not step up???

    Arghhh I am so angry



  32.  #32Veronica on August 8, 2013 at 10:56 am

    This post is so good. Thank you Rori.

    The first time I read it I couldn’t grasp it, but now that I’m a bit calmer, it’s so helping the fogginess I’m having.

    The guy I’m supposed to meet up with hasn’t suggested a time or place to meet and hasn’t even confirmed. I’m not going to ask what’s happening – it feels depleting. Years ago I would have been so bothered and now I have already made plans for myself this weekend. I can feel myself slowly shift to what *I* want to do – as that being the centre from which I operate. baby shuffling



  33.  #33Syreena on August 8, 2013 at 11:14 am

    I would agree that is all a learning experience.
    For me though I a have definitely made some niave mistakes and wrong choices, that I do not want to repeat.

    I just wish I had been given all the infomation so I would have been in the position to have made better choices. And even known that I had a choice. And not been brainwashed, controlled, manipulated.



  34.  #34redbutterfly on August 8, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    I am feeling so excited! My boyfriend just called me and told me he was getting me tickets to “Wicked” for my birthday along with dinner and a night in a hotel. His exact words were “Just let me spoil you rotten.” How did I go from a verbally and emotionally abusive husband to a guy who wants to spoil me rotten? Good guys are out there! We have been dating for 8 months now and have yet to have a fight. How did I become the luckiest girl in the world? And the sad thing is that sometimes I feel so guilty because I just sit back and let him drive and I feel like I should be reciprocating. I make sure he knows he is appreciated but I let him do the chasing. It works for some reason!!



  35.  #35BeLoved on August 8, 2013 at 12:42 pm

    “Just let me spoil you rotten.”

    Oh, heck yeah, I’ll have a double helping of that!!

    8 months without a fight? That sounds so…
    easy.
    Yes.
    I love that you have that, yes yes redbutterfly!
    I’m going to imagine that for myself until the real thing comes along.. 🙂



  36.  #36redbutterfly on August 8, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    @Beloved…I think my “man picker” has been off for many years and I am just starting to learn. So happy I found Rori’s blog and I learn so much from the forum! I have been lurking for awhile but I feel like I know a lot of you and your stories are interesting and enlightening!



  37.  #37Dominique on August 8, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    redbutterfly – yay you!!! This works because stated simply, women are BEing creatures, and men are DOing creatures. Please express to him how good he makes you feel when he does, how special he makes you feel, wonderful, spoiled, safe, and so on. Voicing this will keep the dynamic going.

    xxoo



  38.  #38Millie on August 8, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Reading the post, I feel like I’ve been told by a man “I’ll always be a handrail for you.”

    He said “I’ll always be here for you…no matter what happens in life. Trust me, you always have a place to be yourself.”

    I feel like he is still in my life, not only because I love him, but also because the men that ask me out are so wrong! I can’t take them seriously….I want to be asked out more and by better men. I love myself, I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. My mind and heart is not taken up by this man anymore…I AM open. I dont know why I keep getting dealt wrong cards.



  39.  #39redbutterfly on August 8, 2013 at 1:58 pm

    @Dominique
    Thanks for reminding me of that! I always wonder how to show appreciation without chasing!



  40.  #40Sophie on August 8, 2013 at 2:27 pm

    I want to be soiled rotten – no holding back – no “careful she’ll get spoiled” – let me get spoiled please – every day for the rest of my life I swear it won’t do me ANY harm 🙂



  41.  #41Sophie on August 8, 2013 at 2:28 pm

    OMG – can’t believe I typoed that to soiled rotten – I do not want to be soiled rotten that probably would do me harm – SPOILED is what I want – blush blush 🙂



  42.  #42Syreena on August 8, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Oh that feel lovely to hear that Redbutterflym makes mw feel warm and fuzzy inside. Would love to hear your story of your journey, how you decided to gwt away from the Hubby to waht you have now.



  43.  #43Erika Awakening on August 8, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    I like this post, Rori. It resonates with so much I’ve been doing these past few weeks by deciding not to devote any attention to men. Men have been messaging me, and I don’t even feel like responding. I’m focused on ME now. And the very deep dive into this anger and grief … and this exploration of maybe, just maybe, the reason I’ve been single for so long is that I don’t want to be in a relationship. At least not any relationship I’ve seen yet. It feels like the unknown now. And yet the known has never satisfied, so where else is there to go?

    Also with money. A payment was unexpectedly delayed, and I felt the initial urge to grab for it. And then I remembered my recent blog article about languorous and slow … and my commitment never to “chase money” … and I stepped back from it the same way I have stepped back from men. Another payment hit an unexpected snag today. My ego says “but I need that money.” My deeper self says, “you don’t need to chase it. What you need will come. Explore it instead.”

    So gonna record some more videos now …



  44.  #44Violet on August 8, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    Hello, ladies!

    The subject of Rori Raye’s blog struck a chord within me.

    I was crushing on a male friend and came clean to him about it. Then; I stepped back without even realizing it. Or, as Rori would say; I ‘leaned’ back.

    Now I realize that I didn’t have a crush on him at all. I was trying to hold on to an ideal. It all came down to fear and trying to control it. What I didn’t realize was that I was allowing fear to control me.

    Letting go proved to be the best thing I could do for myself. I just had an epiphany: There is no fear except that I allow it.

    Thank you for reading,

    ~ Violet aka ‘Sweetie’ ~



  45.  #45Erika Awakening on August 8, 2013 at 6:01 pm

    Love that, Violet, thanks for sharing 🙂 I feel the same way about a situation of which I’ve now let go …

    Just recorded a video and turned to a “random” page of ACIM and a passage that seems to resonate with Rori’s post today:

    “Open your mind and rest. The world that seems to hold you prisoner can be escaped by anyone who does not hold it dear. Withdraw all value you have placed upon its meager offerings and senseless gifts, and let the gift of God replace them all.”



  46.  #46aliengirl on August 8, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    “Whoopie, I’m moving!”

    lol.



  47.  #47Tereana on August 8, 2013 at 6:30 pm

    Wowowowowow

    That’s most of what I have to say right now. Because this morning, I woke up to a response from my message that I sent “T” last night. And it was NOT what I expected. Not that I can honestly say I expected anything. All I wanted to Di was say the truth of who I am and how I felt.

    And what did he say? He said he “feels the same way,” and that he will ” always have a crush on me.” What?? And here’s the weirdest part: that does not even phase me. Not in the least. It actually feels like the most normal, sane, sensical thing I have heard, perhaps ever. I feel vindicated, because at least now I know that I wasn’t making up all these feelings in my mind, nor imagining that he was attracted to me, too. Why didn’t he ever do anything about it? Who knows!! And I don’t even feel like I care to know the answer. It’s curious, but it’s beside the point.

    I responded that I really appreciated his honesty. And it felt good to hear he had feelings for me, too. But that I don’t want to be an “other woman.” Even if we never acted on it, I would still be “other.” He’s chosen who he is married to. I want a family, too, and a partner who can help me get there. I feel great that he finds me “wonderfully sexy.” But I can’t make him in-marry her. I can’t make them un- have a child together. That is all real, and I accept it.

    This is real, too, and this is my reality, and I accept it. I told him I can’t see him right now, because it would hurt too much, even though I really want to and I would enjoy it. I told him, when the time is right, we’ll see each other again.

    And you know what feels the most fantastic is that I feel like I can trust my intuition. I think, all this time, not really “knowing” what he felt about me, I doubted my senses. I doubted what I felt, because the evidence didn’t bear it out, but now I know that it was right, l this time. And that is valuable. That is gold. Because I can use that, going forward.

    I’m not attached to the outcome anymore. I finally know that he has has feelings for me all this time. I can hardly believe it, and yet it feels like the truth I’ve all ways known. The pieces are falling into place. All is as it should be.

    And even though my response was a bit longer than the first message, it doesn’t seem like “too much” now. I keep thinking of the phrase, “you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.” That’s what this feels like now. I’ve stated how I truly feel, and I feel fully expressed. I feel like a woman in her power, and like I can do anything. More relaxed. Knowing he loves me. Even if he is married to another woman, he loves me and that’s the truth and that feels good.

    I don’t need anything else to happen.

    I feel good.

    I am so f*cking amazing

    My life is blessed : )



  48.  #48Lisa on August 8, 2013 at 7:55 pm

    more inner tantrums today…. that’s ok… I allow them to be, and just don’t act on them… I allow the tears to flow… and the inner conflict flow..nothing to DO just wait… it’s over soon…

    My mind wants to know!

    looking at my patterns with men… writing them down… seeing, looking for the same pattern over and over… it’s very apparent!

    from Attached: wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed ( my story)

    anticipation of ultimately being let down by partner is confirmed ( my story)

    sounds like: confirmation that men are emotionally unavailable and can’t really love me ( my story)

    repeatedly that is the story… they are distant, unavailable, they don’t love me as much as I love them, I leave, they come back and say they were wrong by then I’ve grown and move on… don’t want that anymore…

    One man waited 2 years and had already proposed to a woman by the same name as me. Ask me for lunch to catch up, told me he has been in therapy for 2 years trying to get over me, and would I take him back… ( duh he proposed to another woman) No Thank you!

    back 20 years ago, was the same story… only this one called 6mos later didn’t say what he wanted and then hung up… 18 years later found me on facebook… told me he never stopped loving me, I was the best thing ever happened to him… had a tattoo on his arm in my honor… still wants me back. He couldn’t show up for the reunion… he was drunk. Called me crying…. has to have me… I said No Thank you! ( he didn’t want me, he wanted the memories he had of the old me )

    there are more, but same story…

    so my pattern is … choosing men that are not available to commitment, emotionally not mature enough to have a stable relationship, have a hard time accepting my love ( too wounded) … who like in the book, then I become the phantom ex… ( the perfect one that got away)

    perpetual story of my father who I loved and couldn’t love me back… I’m wanting and not getting, he wasn’t emotionally available… hummm how to stop the perpetual-ness…

    What do I get from this?

    oh it’s there so close to finding it….uggg

    OMG here it is! If I love them more than they love me! They can’t love me back! OMG!! I read that somewhere… OMG!

    Could that be it!!! I don’t allow them to do what they would do naturally… ( I don’t want to be let down) … oh gosh it’s there… I couldn’t stand it if a man actually LOVED ME! for who I am, as I am, totally loves me…

    It’s so much safer to have one that can almost love me, love me but be distant, put me low as a priority… that’s is so much easier b/c I’m comfortable with that… my dad did it, that is what I expect..

    What am I doing? Breathe Lisa! Breathe!

    OXXOX



  49.  #49BeLoved on August 8, 2013 at 7:56 pm

    Quick update –
    T left a message today, all nonchalant and la-la-la, as if everything was hunky dory.
    I
    Felt
    Furious.
    I told him he has GOT to be crazy if he thinks he can say something to me like he would have to be insane to want to be close with me again and think I would just ignore that.
    At first, I said…nothing is in danger, I just want to let you know how I feel.
    Then I thought….
    why in the H3LL am I prioritizing his needs over mine and trying to be nice about this??
    and I told him,
    I changed my mind.
    I’ve decided I’m going to believe what you said.
    I don’t want to be in relationship with anyone who believes they would have to be insane to be close with me.
    All of those accusations about taking an axe to our connection? That is your birth trauma, it’s not me, it never was and I leave responsibility for your feelings with you.
    **I take the good you’ve given me. It’s a great deal and I treasure it. All that I have given you, I have given gladly and it’s yours to keep.
    I take responsibility for my part in what’s gone wrong between us and I leave your part with you.
    I leave in peace.

    **These are healing words of truth I learned from systems constellation work – Bert Hellinger.
    ~~~

    I did EFT tonight with someone, and at first I was feeling sadness.
    Then it ocurred to me, maybe I don’t have to feel sad. I can feel totally happy and at peace and
    TOTALLY trust my choice. 110%. NO doubts.
    Perfect. Exactly right and the perfect thing to do.
    No need to ruminate, obsess, explore, do a play-by-play, question myself or my motives or second-guess myself in any way.

    Wow, that made me feel so light and happy and I started laughing and laughing 🙂

    Rori is totally right when she says we hire guys to punish us.
    I forgive myself
    I forgive
    I forgive
    I forgive

    I don’t know how I let this all go sooo completely and easily, I only know I do now and I am fulfilled.



  50.  #50Elsie on August 8, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Wow – lots to catch up on!

    First, FW – I LOVED the article you posted about slowing down – I’m definitely using that in my speech pattern – I talk way too fast! LOL

    Lisa – Did you ever determine if you were pregnant?

    Tereana – I love the ending of this conversation exchange you sound really healthy.

    About me – College CD is amazing. He is so emotionally available and its soooo easy. Really. Its so easy. He can pick up on my emotional cues – and he TOTALLY has my playbook. He just “gets” me. I still care a lot about GS, but unless he were to do some major overhaul of his foundational personality (which of course is never going to happen) then I will love who he was in my life and remain grateful forever to him for pulling me out of a very dark place. He will always have a special place in my heart, and maybe we can be friends someday – I can see that actually.

    CollegeCd doesnt come with the baggage I have from my soon to be ex and GS…..I think after a month, I could see him asking to be exclusive WAY before I’m ready. Wow……did ANYONE ever think I would say that? Mercedes….are you listening? ? LOL

    We will see what happens with CollegeCD – he truly is amazing though – amazing. I love that he is just able to read me, get me. The man has my playbook, hands down.

    We have a date tomorrow night – I’m excited. 🙂

    Did I mention he is sooooo cute and hot? LOL?

    Elsie



  51.  #51Vi on August 8, 2013 at 8:22 pm

    Thank you for the article Rori. It took my breath away.



  52.  #52Vi on August 8, 2013 at 8:23 pm

    I feel speechless.



  53.  #53Veronica on August 8, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Sophie – 38 and 39 – You have me in stitches!

    Tereana – Yay for you and your strength : )



  54.  #54Lisa on August 8, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    @Elsie I don’t think I am. I’m on my period… first time I’ve had one in almost 2 years… shew!

    I’m soooo happy for you!!!! Relish in it! <3

    on a side note:

    I just realized

    I't easier to have a fantasy of someone loving me deeply than it is to actually have it… OMG!

    somewhere in there is a belief " I don't deserve to be loved" I've been looking for it, since I've been doing Rori's stuff.. and couldn't find it… I think I just did…

    OXOXO



  55.  #55Veronica on August 8, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    Wow this doing nothing approach is magic. The guy I was supposed to meet up with asked if he could call me. (I asked him to let me know beforehand when he wanted to phone.) This feels good, like I’m being listened to – feels like respect, like care is being given to me. This is such good practice for me.

    Also I noticed that I’m so focused on doing some of the tools right that I’m not listening properly. I thought the tail end of our previous exchange didn’t go well but re-reading it I realise it was just fine.



  56.  #56Tereana on August 8, 2013 at 8:52 pm

    Syreena – I was never “with” T. There was one time that we kissed, at a party. And it was the most amazing kiss I’ve ever felt. I don’t even know if he remembers it, but I’ll never forget.

    Emerson, when I was talking about “shift,” I meant shifting my ideas about sex. That believing the only way to get into a “real” relationship is to withhold sex until I “have” everything I want. That might work in some instances. But in other cases, it might be inauthentic, or even manipulative. And it’s more about the belief – I have a belief that I “can’t” be in a relationship with someone that I’ve “hooked up with” causally. What if that’s not true? The truth is, it’s not the norm, but it happens all the time. Sometimes sex precedes a relationship. Sometimes the other way around. There is no one “right” way. It’s whatever way it works for you.

    I’ve stopped chasing the “ideal” about this man, long ago. I realized that he was just a guy and didn’t need to be on a pedestal. And I wondered if I had had just a silly schoolgirl crush. But I wrote the note because I validated myself when I realized it was not that. It was truly more than that, and that my feelings hasn’t changed.

    I feel even more validated knowing that I didn’t make it up, and that he feels the same way.

    And it’s odd, because I could feel angry right now – angry that he’s married to someone else. Angry that he liked me a thus time, and never told me. But I’m not. I could feel sad, but I don’t. I could feel elated, and yet I just feel normal. The overwhelming sensation I have right now is Peace.

    It has been so many years that I have felt either agony, because of loving/liking someone I didn’t believe returned those feelings; or numbness, believing love was not possible, or that I could not love or be loved; or crazy, wondering if he really loved me or not, and then doubting my own feelings.

    But now all of that has been put to rest. I don’t feel “right” in a superior sense. I wasn’t even trying to be right about anything. But I feel reassured in that my feelings were always real and true and validated, and, unbeknownst to me, they were reciprocated. And knowing that feels like enough.

    I really and truly feel like I am enough and that I have enough.

    This is powerful stuff.

    I am finally talking about the truth of my heart with the person who is really involved with it, and it feels amazing.

    This is a freedom I did not expect



  57.  #57Tereana on August 8, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    I could not have done what I did without studying Rori’s tools, and learning how to feel and express my feelings.

    And now I can feel and receive the love from him, without having any attachment to, or expectation of results.

    And I feel less fear now or urge to control

    I feel relaxed



  58.  #58miranda faith on August 8, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    Hello all. Just an update. After slowing down and breathing the opportunity came to face yhe issues that challenged my relationship wirh mu partner,and dealing with the fear of letting go, we have made great strides and feeling so much better about us. We agreedto see one another again and approach this in a serious care taking , way. … i feel wonderful. …. weeeeeee im fallen and i got right back up….



  59.  #59Daria on August 8, 2013 at 9:44 pm

    wow Rori is crazy… 😉 diving for it!



  60.  #60Millie on August 8, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Venting:
    I feel my duality right now. I feel my libra-ness, the innate nature of weighing both sides, of feeling bad and good at the same time. Questioning my “bad” feelings…wondering if the bad stems from insecurity, my own mind twisting a perspective on things, wondering if they stem from my ego, a bruised ego.
    My good feelings feel….well good! Hearing kind words, reassuring words, words full of love and truth.
    I feel myself seeking closeness as I feel pulled inside, I feel him not seeking it, not pulling away, but not seeking it. I find myself wanting to exist in a room with him…since our emotional night sunday night. He is the source and the relief of the pain. I realize this cannot be. I must heal in my own way, but it feels good when he is next to me….soothing.

    When I think about marriage and a family, he is not in it. He is not in it. He is not in it. The idea of him “almost” marrying someone else hurts my ego, it hurts my heart that it would not be me! But at the same time…marriage is so much more than that initial high, the initial proposal, born from dreams. The every day is the marriage. On his worst day, on my worst day…
    Is it horrible to say that I don’t believe he could step up and be husband to any woman. Maybe at first, but the glow would wear off. I don’t want to be that faux prize.

    I do see true love and a true marriage in my future. I do. I give myself permission to have fun along the way, to enjoy people for what they are and because it feels good to be with them. I want to be happy and relaxed with no attachment to outcome. I want to enjoy every moment of love and affection that comes to me. I want to enjoy the journey, the process of getting to that ring. I don’t want the ring now, or tomorrow, I want to experience what the world has to offer.



  61.  #61Emerson on August 8, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    Thank you Dominique!



  62.  #62Erika Awakening on August 8, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Lisa,

    I feel touched by what you said about it’s easier to have the fantasy than the real thing …

    I’ve sat with this question a lot over the past couple years. I don’t pretend to have all the answers … I just want to offer that it may not be a lack of self-love at all. I’m not persuaded at all that the “fantasy” can exist in real life … I’ve had peeks inside too many relationships, and lived my own, to believe it any more.

    I sit with this quotation from ACIM as I feel my way along, suspecting at this point that something entirely new is being birthed into humanity right now:

    “So fearful has the truth become to you that unless it is weak and little, you would not dare to look upon it. You think it safer to endow the little self you made with power you wrested from truth, triumphing over it and leaving it helpless. See how exactly is this ritual enacted in the special relationship. An altar is erected in between two separate people, on which each seeks to kill his self, and on his body raise another self to take its power from his death. Over and over and over this ritual is enacted. And it is never completed, nor ever will be completed. The ritual of completion cannot complete, for life arises not from death, nor Heaven from hell.”



  63.  #63Erika Awakening on August 8, 2013 at 10:07 pm

    There’s more to this quotation. It’s here”

    “Whenever any form of special relationship tempts you to seek for love in ritual, remember love is content, and not form of any kind. The special relationship is a ritual of form, aimed at raising the form to take the place of God at the expense of content. There is no meaning in the form, and there will never be. The special relationship must be recognized for what it is; a senseless ritual in which strength is extracted from the death of God, and invested in His killer as the sign that form has triumphed over content, and love has lost its meaning. Would you want this to be possible, even apart from its evident impossibility? If it were possible, you would have made yourself helpless. God is not angry. He merely could not let this happen. You cannot change His Mind. No rituals that you have set up in which the dance of death delights you can bring death to the eternal. Nor can your chosen substitute for the Wholeness of God have any influence at all upon it.

    “See in the special relationship nothing more than a meaningless attempt to raise other gods before Him, and by worshipping them to obscure their tininess and His greatness. In the name of your completion you do not want this. For every idol that you raise to place before Him stands before you, in place of what you are.”

    ACIM says that we will all attempt to re-make the special relationship in various different ways, hoping somehow it can become satisfying. And it never does.

    I feel done with this. This last experience was the last straw. I don’t want the special relationship. I don’t believe it will ever give me what I really want. I don’t know what replaces it … but in letting go of the handrail and allowing myself to fall … I hope to find out …

    I don’t think it’s going to look anything like any of us imagine right now … my mind feels blank … I don’t know what I want … I’m just falling right now …



  64.  #64Erika Awakening on August 8, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    The forced candlelight dinner, the toxic-to-my-cats flowers he gave me even after I told him I was feeling pressured, the “what took you so long?” email, the totally bizarre stuff that went down … it doesn’t feel like an accident …

    It seems like all of this was to push me over the edge … it’s so extreme … to see that I HATE these rituals, I want nothing to do with them … I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m not going to play this game anymore. I want out.

    I don’t know what I want. Please, God, let me leave your altar free of all my idols … and please show me what I really want in my heart, because I don’t know. I only know I don’t want anything I have seen so far …



  65.  #65Millie on August 8, 2013 at 10:21 pm

    Erika! I hear you and know how you feel. To know what you don’t want to struggle to find what you do within the confines of cliches and colloquial relationships. For me to the point where what feels right and good is none of those things and therefore…..i don’t know.

    I have felt the blankness in letting everything go. It feels like a clean slate. I like that feeling.



  66.  #66Erika Awakening on August 8, 2013 at 10:37 pm

    Millie – exactly! thank you



  67.  #67Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 12:11 am

    This morning the guy clarified again when he would be calling just in case there might be a misunderstanding. This feels healthy good. This is different from what I’ve been used to of late. I also feel good that I chose good male friends in my past. And now when we’ll talk today I know that I’ll be in a space of warmth and openness simply because of what he did beforehand. I am so thankful for this experience.



  68.  #68Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 12:14 am

    In my country it’s Women’s Day today – I’d like to extend a glorious Women’s Day to all the sirens on this blog.



  69.  #69Sophie on August 9, 2013 at 1:52 am

    Happy women’s Day Veronica! I’m glad I made you laugh ha ha and you are experiencing some nice energy from your dat



  70.  #70Brenda on August 9, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Rori this is a lovely post, but I don’t quite understand.

    I didn’t grab so tight with this guy of 11yrs I let him be him.I waited and watched his actions. He did as he wanted, would leave for 2 or 3 days and come back.One occasion of me leaning back for a few days he came to me and said,
    I want to move in with u I’ll pay your rent but I want to come and go as I please and I still have sex with my daughter’s mother.

    I told him no that I didn’t want to get my heart broken because he was still tied up with his daughter’s mother.

    Was I suppose to say yes to the propsition? Regardless to the fact that I did say no he still gradually moved things in but didn’t pay rent and stayed at my house for a few days and at her house or any woman he felt he wanted for the time.

    Rori we are off and on last mth after us being off for a week he came to me and said that he was paying for a car in full and if I can sign my name on his car?because his license is revoked.

    My words to him was we haven’t even been close now for almost a yr we go a week or so without see each other, I can do it but do u feel close enou to me for me to sign for hour car?
    He got frustrated and said u know what forget it that I am right because I’m so negative anyway.

    Rori was that a situation I was suppose to fall into let go of my fears and trust him would it made us closer?

    I got triggered when he asked me to do that, what came up for me is the 2 times I loaned him my rent money and he never paid me back.The first time I helped him to buy a car and when he got the car I rhode in it once wifh him.The second loan was for his tow truck for his job so that he cou work if was around Christmas and he needed to work so I loaned him money.He was suppose to pay back but he didn’t.

    So is it possible to be able to let go of fear in a situation like mines? Or do I just let go completely.

    He called me yesterday to say Gm I said it back to him.Then an hr later he called and said he left his folding chair at my house and he needs it so I told him I was at work that he could go by my house my daughter would give it to him.He said no he’ll just get it later.

    I just feel like he plays games, I don’t know if its the things I’ve done wrong or what? He keeps saying its because I only think about the bad in him.
    But I haven’t been able to experience many good things with him



  71.  #71ruth on August 9, 2013 at 6:16 am

    Brenda darling, reading what you wrote just there I think you would be justified in running as fast and as far away from this guy as possible
    Are you getting anything out of being with him?

    Sorry to be so blunt, but seems that he is doing plenty of taking and no giving.
    Are you happy?



  72.  #72Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 6:17 am

    Lisa – 46 – gorgeous revelations. YAY you!!!

    xxoo



  73.  #73Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 6:19 am

    Elsie – 48 – Haven’t I been telling you for awhile that you are getting this? lol I feel really proud of you.

    xxoo



  74.  #74redbutterfly on August 9, 2013 at 6:21 am

    @Syreena- My story with my ex husband was that I have a daughter from my first marriage and he was trying to be a stepfather to her but he just couldn’t get along with her. He would belittle her and beat her down all the time. Then he started drinking and hiding bottles in the trash can outside and thought he was hiding his drinking from me but I could tell his personality change even if he had only had one beer. He started getting super OCD and would constantly yell at my daughter and I for the most ridiculous things. I put up with everything for about 10 years because I didn’t want ANOTHER marriage to fail and finally said to myself “This is bull, I deserve to be happy, who cares if people judge me for another divorce. And what is this doing to my daughter?? Do I care what people think if this is going to scar her? What kind of mother am I being?” So I left him last September and he took my whole 401k which I am bitter about but it was the price for leaving so I try to not think about it. And my life is so much better now that I actually have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure that everything is really real!



  75.  #75Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 6:31 am

    Brenda – 67 – This sounds so much like a man who has too many toxic qualities for you to have any sort of relationship which would feel good to you. Letting go of fears is in part to let go of doubting your trust in yourself, that you will know what is best for Brenda, that you will let go of the man if you need to in order to take care of YOU and your heart.

    Changing yourself by releasing your fears, opening your heart, learning authenticity, and how to express your feelings doesn’t necessarily mean this man in front of you will transform into the one you want. It WILL transform you into the woman goddess you feel better BEing, and if this man can’t or won’t step up, another, better one will.

    xxoo



  76.  #76Femininewoman on August 9, 2013 at 6:45 am

    Brenda – 67 – I truly don’t get the sense that this man wants anything more. What you wrote painted the picture of a “taker” in my mind. Those kinds of men who look for women to take care of them. I definitely would not have signed for his car. It is his car not yours. Just that if he reneged on the payments you would also be held liable. I believe you dodged a bullet there. I definitely would let this one go.



  77.  #77Femininewoman on August 9, 2013 at 7:01 am

    redbutterfly I honestly believe that if you could find a way to forgive him about the 401k and let go of the bitterness the amount will come back to you multiplied. Even saying out loud into the atmosphere “I forgive…………………..for…………..”
    could help release your heart and help you to move on. We don’t know everything about the Universe and how it works aside from the fact that these little things work.

    The fact that you say “which I am bitter about” is significant. Really you want to be sweet inside. You want to think of yourself that way and radiate that out. That bitterness on the inside of you will make you just that “bitter”. I would commit to releasing that as part of my commitment to changing my life.



  78.  #78Femininewoman on August 9, 2013 at 7:04 am

    Brenda please also bear in mind that we teach people how to treat us. If he keeps borrowing money and not repaying with no problem you are reinforcing that he can use you as his bank so he will always come back for more.



  79.  #79Hana on August 9, 2013 at 7:20 am

    I am feeling so moved by this post. I feel so low today, still in mourning over my relationship with A. Going through so many things, growing pains. Hard to live with depression. Relationships have been so hard for me, but I am so grateful that there is hope for learning and getting better at them. Things don’t change overnight, it will take a while.

    Silver lining is, I’m healthy otherwise, I’ve got my boys, my beauty, my inner strength and will to not give up on this life. AHH, it’s hard girls, but I’m happy for the support this blog brings into my life.

    Still working on loving myself more and being kinder to me.



  80.  #80Femininewoman on August 9, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Congrats aliengirl



  81.  #81Cris on August 9, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Hana, and your comment moved me, tears wanting to go out of my eyes



  82.  #82Hana on August 9, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Thank you Veronica! So nice to hear I cross your mind like that 🙂 Salsa is a wonderful hobby, unfortunetly it reminds me too much of A, and I am seriousely thinking of taking a long break from the clubs. I want to find a new hobby to replace it with at least for a month or so. Going there Triggers so many feelings… And I feel so super vulnerable after, even if I dance the night away and feel good during, I find I leave very sad and lonlier than ever because I’m leaving alone and it brings back so many memories of A…

    Zia, I am so happy for you!

    I want so badly to have some lovely man or two or three in my life to date and enjoy time with, I’m just in a rut haha… No one is coming along, I don’t know if it’s my energy, if it’s because I’m not really trying enough, or I’m trying too hard.. anyway, I just want to go with the flow for a little bit, put the focus on me. Fall down the stairway a bit!!

    LOVE ME a lot!

    Love you girls !!

    XOXO



  83.  #83Hana on August 9, 2013 at 7:35 am

    Cris- Sweetheart. I feel sometimes that when I don’t have anyone to share with it’s very unbearable. And knowing that I’m heard helps so much I cannot describe it 🙂

    I was driving back home last night, and I noticed something horrifying, a baby Raccoon had been obviously hit by a car and left on the road to die. I stopped and got out, I was in shock as it was wriggling violently, I think the bodies nerves were just reacting to the hit, because the animal wasn’t making any sounds. It was too late, I saw that it was dying, and I couldn’t do anything about it, I just spoke softly to it as it passed away. I don’t know how to describe the feelings I had watching this animal die in front of my eyes, I had been crying in the car when I noticed it, and the tears were still running down my cheeks because of my own pain. I took it off the road and put it by a tree, even though I was holding some wipes when I carried it, I saw the blood on my fingers as I was cleaning them off before driving away. It is terrible, but as I was driving away I have to admit I felt like I wanted to dissapear from this world the same way the Raccoon did. But, I felt something interesting then, I thought being there as he or she died was comforting for me, and how I should not stop connecting to the people around me and keep going in this struggle I am in. I want to love, I want to be loved, and I do want to live the best life I possibly can. But more than just a survival reason, because I was given this gift of life, and I should cherish and use it in every way I am able to, because Thank God I have so many things to actually be grateful for. I won’t give that up.

    xoxoxoxo



  84.  #84Femininewoman on August 9, 2013 at 8:01 am

    Hana I felt really moved by your comments



  85.  #85Wildgeranium on August 9, 2013 at 8:42 am

    (((((Hana))))))



  86.  #86Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 8:57 am

    tantrums continue! right now in the middle of one!
    I’m soooo F’ing pissed…. i’ve worked so hard on myself to over come victim-hood… abuse, self hate! and for what! So, I can just grow myself right out of most of the population of men! That’s just peachy! I’m pissed… that… oh I’m so healed now! OK SO what apparently it is not getting me anywhere!

    I’m still ME! ( which is wonderful) no one can see that! Think I’m worth it to keep, work through things for… da..m … I’m so pissed.

    tears are coming… coming …. I love my life! I do… it’s not wealthy but it is amazing! to me… I see mountains from my yard, I love my house, I see the sunset every evening from my deck, I have 2 amazing girls… who I adore! I have animals and wildlife, wonderful neighbors, I’m beautiful, talented and giving… and fun! and all that is just incredible… and I still have the nagging thing inside me! to have a partner, and it won’t go away! No matter how much I do TheWork, no matter the affirmations, the focusing on other things… it just there! bugging the hell out of me…

    I’m angry at God…for making me wait this long, go through this much and that wouldn’t be so bad… if I didn’t have to wait longer… but I do…

    Green Singles just deleted my profile without notice.. he apologized…but can’t help me. OK but that doesn’t get my info back… I want to say screw it!!! why bother…

    Everyone says you don’t have to change anything to attract LOVE that not true!! than why are all these coaches and experts making millions off teaching us how to change to get love… I’m reading books, working tools, trying to remember it all, getting advice and it sure does feel like I’m having to CHANGE ME… I’m apparently NOT good enough as I am…
    **I need to do The Work on “I’m not good enough as I am”.. tears, tears, tears

    I WANT A MAN THAT STAYS!!! LOVES ME! DOESN’T WANT TO LOSE ME!

    OK that was my rant/tantrum… it wasn’t directed at anyone… not meant to trigger, or offend… my frustrations… that’s all…

    OXOXOX



  87.  #87Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 9:14 am

    That was it. I woke up this morning not angry with him anymore. That was it. I want out. That’s the truth I’ve been refusing to accept completely for years. I want no part of this special relationship thing. I had another brief burst of anger with the thought “nobody is going to understand this, and everyone’s going to try to convince me the special relationship can work when I know it can’t.” And then that answer dissipated too.

    Then something else happened that made me realize even more, I can’t play along with this anymore. I gotta draw a line in the sand. Even the marketing probably needs to stop. It’s just another hamster wheel.

    I also texted back that guy, the one I used to be hung up on, and told him the same as I’m telling everyone else. If he wants a connection with me, it needs to be through my business.

    I am diving. I don’t know what is going to happen, I just know I can’t and do not want to do this anymore. Any of it. I’m not interested in hamster wheel relationships or activities of any kind. Every day it’s a little more of doing nothing. And I don’t know what’s going to happen. I would say it feels scary except that the relief of the truth is so huge it kinda eclipses any fear.



  88.  #88Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Lisa – 83 – I feel compelled to respond to this anyway. About the changing part. Change is inevitable. Hopefully we all change continuously -uncovering, discovering, adventuring inside – exciting, fascinating change/transformation.

    The more you can open your heart and allow vulnerability, the more space you allow for the man you are dreaming about to find you, come to you, want to be with you.

    So I don’t want you to look at you not being enough or good enough to be in a relationship, for you are and always have been. You are more opening yourself to the kind of relationship YOU want.

    And this involves some transformation, releasing curtains and walls, releasing the expectations which get in your way, letting go of patterns which no longer serve you, opening yourself to possibility, being curious and in awe, allowing vulnerability. This is the kind of transformation you likely want for yourself regardless if there is a man there or not.

    Sending you love. 🙂

    xxoo



  89.  #89Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Erika – This is huge what you discovered for yourself. It doesn’t matter what others say. You have to do what feels right for YOU. And if this feels like relief to you, then this is a really good indication that you are on a good path for YOU.

    xxoo



  90.  #90Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 10:01 am

    ((((Hana))))

    ((((Lisa))))

    It’s only been a few days, but I’ve missed the blog.



  91.  #91Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Hana – 79 – Hi!
    It’s difficult to have fun when you have so much history with a place. I don’t know if it’s the same with you but for me it feels like going against the grain of what that whole place is about and it took me so much time to get over it. It’s the primary reason I decided not to go to the same town as my ex even though I think it would have been great for me to live there. I just am not going to do that to myself, not if I have a choice. I hope you can find a hobby that gets your energy amped up again.

    Now that you’ve brought it up I wonder if it would be healthy for women generally to have their passion spaces separate from their partners so that if things don’t work out, we can still have that place that does so much for us.



  92.  #92Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 10:31 am

    I really have to stop obsessing about BM. It’s not good now and I believe I’ve exhausted what could come of ‘revisiting’ and ‘trying to understand’. I can see how I’m using him now as an obstacle to my opening up into my own life. It feels like none of that opening will happen if I don’t give him up. I have no excuses now.

    I’m really impressed with how my guy friend conducted our phone call. At first I was excited and noticed that I’m not letting him do his thing – I just mentally chose to listen to him. Yay to me for noticing and doing that! And then he contained what would have become a blab session by saying that he wanted to save all our talking for when we meet tomorrow, then he offered to pick me up and was glad to do that, and then he offered to plan where to go. (you rock guy friend!). Later on he messaged me with plans, asked what I thought about them and said he was excited to see me. This feels good and I also feel good for him. A very good foundation is being laid for tomorrow’s meeting.

    Then I fb chatted with another guy later in the afternoon and it was like wading through mud. I don’t like saying that because this guy is a good person. I felt like I was being asked to give, having info extracted from me. I’m jumping out of that boat and immersing myself in the water after that conversation. I’ll have this image in my mind next time: I’ll speak to him from the waters.



  93.  #93Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Indigo – good to see you’re back : )



  94.  #94Femininewoman on August 9, 2013 at 10:33 am

    Indigo I was just wondering today what happened, where did you disappear to.



  95.  #95Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 10:33 am

    I hope I have the strength to open up into my own life.



  96.  #96Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Lisa – you’re by the mountains? Seriously? I’m envious. I have a big tree outside my window. When I came back from overseas, the sound of the wind blowing through this tree woke me out of my sleep. There were no trees in viewing distance when I lived overseas and I believe I suffered for it. I looked like a madwoman when I visited the palace gardens there because I couldn’t stop photographing the trees. I didn’t take much photos of the palace.



  97.  #97Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Hi Veronica 🙂



  98.  #98Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 11:04 am

    FW, I guess I was just feeling a little triggered and feeling my energy going “off”.
    🙂



  99.  #99Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 11:32 am

    @Veronica

    Oh yes, I have lots and lots of old amazing trees in my yard. One of which is 100 years old… she is amazing.. I have a view of the mountains from half my yard… I can see the sunset behind the mountains every night… I’m very blessed that way.

    I know I love nature. I can certainly agree with you… when I’m in the woods… I’m in love! Nature calls to me…

    thanks so much!
    <3



  100.  #100Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 11:48 am

    @Dominique

    Yes, your post made me cry…. <3

    If anyone knows about perpetual growth ( change) it is me and I know that I might seem to harp on that alot.. but really I'm not, it is true. If anyone knew what I was and went through and what I am today, they would know I change and grow… all the time..

    I just get ticked off when people say there is nothing you have to change to find love, when obviously there is… even changing the way I speak, thinking, react is still me changing some aspect

    being vulnerable I was with "M". I wasn't perfect, but I was very open, vulnerable… I think that scared him… b/c then he became open and vulnerable…

    I love him unconditionally..he knew that… he knew I loved him whether we were in the relationship or not… I even said it the night he broke up… I love you! doesn't stop you don't have to feel that way back.

    I just don't know and how much more vulnerable I have to be…

    I can stand in front of a man and totally accept rejection, and not be angry, not lash out, and be present with him, and still love him ( tell him so)… that's pretty vulnerable to me.. anyways…

    Love from me isn't conditional on it being returned…or staying with me. I've loved almost ALL of my partners unconditionally, didn't mean I could stay… they all knew that about me… that I loved them unconditionally…. You can ask them.. they will tell you yes!

    I really don't know ( though I'm not perfectly vulnerable all the time) how much more I need to be… ? That is so frustrating…

    I guess if I was as evolved as Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle… then maybe… But, I do the best I can… and I think I do pretty good in comparison…

    OXOXO



  101.  #101April Rose on August 9, 2013 at 11:53 am

    Indigo…

    I would rather you stayed and were “off” (processing it here with me/others), than go away and make me miss you!



  102.  #102April Rose on August 9, 2013 at 11:57 am

    Lisa,

    I hear a tinge of urgency, of expectation, of not being relaxed with your self.

    It is YOU who needs your unconditional love.

    Rori says that what you and the the right man have in common, is that you both love YOU.

    (((((Lisa)))))



  103.  #103Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Lisa – Remember we talked about how with M you allowed yourself the kind of vulnerability you hadn’t before? So in the past were you truly allowing vulnerability? Were there some walls up you haven’t acknowledged? M was a wonderful gift for you here. Are you very sure that you are not still carrying some deep seated fear of having what you want? Maybe there anything though.

    Though I say to bring things back to you, and I won’t say anything differently here, maybe this means that the time is not now for you. I cannot tell you why. Sometimes things just are. Maybe releasing the anxiety around this desire? If nothing else you will feel better if only a little.

    xxoo



  104.  #104April Rose on August 9, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    I love that. It truly fits with “I need do nothing”

    “Doing nothing” to try to be someone who attracts a man.

    The “doing” comes from loving you. And being open enough to let yourself be loved.



  105.  #105April Rose on August 9, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    I wish you peace and soothing in your heart, Lisa.

    Trusting things are as they are meant to be in this moment.



  106.  #106Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    Aaawwwwwwwwwww April Rose 🙂

    I am scared to process on here, I am hurting at the moment.

    I am very sick – I have very bad flu. I feel very raw and weepy.



  107.  #107Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Indigo – Sending you lots of love, and I wish you healing.

    xxoo



  108.  #108April Rose on August 9, 2013 at 1:17 pm

    (((((((((((((((((Indigo))))))))))))))))

    Wish I was around to make you lots of hot lemon and honey drinks to make you better.

    Sink into the rawness and weep all you like (please drink lots of fluids to replenish your tears).

    Lots and lots and lots of hugs and love to you.



  109.  #109Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    Holding space for you, Indigo.

    Thanks Dominique, I appreciate the wholehearted acceptance of what is, that feels good.

    I went back to sleep and slept so deeply. Now it’s past 1 pm here! I needed that it felt so good. And I wake up blank. With absolutely zero men to obsess over, a very clear boundary, and a new openness for God to show me a path that may be totally unlike anything I have imagined … continuing dropping into doing nothing for now …



  110.  #110Wildgeranium on August 9, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    (((((Indigo)))))

    Definitely holding a loving space for you…..sweet sweet siren….sending healing thoughts.
    <3



  111.  #111Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Thank you April Rose. I wish you were too 🙂

    That kind of caring would feel really good to me right now. I am alone.

    Things are not so good with D at the moment. An old issue came to call, and to be honest I don’t know if it’s one we’ll recover from.



  112.  #112Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 1:48 pm

    Dominique,

    Thank you so much. The healing would feel really good right now. xxx



  113.  #113Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Thank you so much Erika, I feel that space. 🙂



  114.  #114Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Thank you so much WildGeranium,

    I felt the love in that message and it means a lot to me right now. x I hope the healing kicks up a gear now. With the lovely energy I have received from you sirens, I’m sure it will



  115.  #115Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 2:06 pm

    One of the things we agreed on when we got back together was that he would be allowed to retreat when he needed to. I have no problem with this. We both take our own space often and I am comfortable with this. This week however, I was feeling a bit fragile. A couple of things had happened, and with me now getting sick, I realize I was feeling below par.

    When he took his own space on Wednesday night, he did it, ok, in a… less than sensitive way. We were on the couch one minute and the next he was storming off to his room. This isn’t the norm, but it wouldn’t do for me. I needed just a little reassurance, loving touch, I just… needed it. Anyway I went through and one thing led to another, he became mad that I had intruded on his personal space. Next thing I know he was flying out of the house, took his car and didn’t come back for the rest of the night. Next day he wants to end it. I was absolutely dumbfounded at how such a small thing could have had this cataclysmic effect. There is lots more to this, but basically I just… I don’t know.

    It brought things I was not really ok with up to the surface, and so yesterday and today I have felt really raw, as well as sick. I feel angry with him.



  116.  #116Dominique on August 9, 2013 at 2:24 pm

    Indigo – feel free to email me if you don’t feel comfortable sharing here and want/need support.

    xxoo



  117.  #117Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    @Dominique

    Yes, in my post last night… It scares the Hell out of me to have what I want…

    and not out of fear of not being loved..or being vulnerable… out of fear of having it and then losing it…which your correct would be a wall.

    seems to be a pattern with me… getting and then losing…. maybe with “M” I was subconsciously waiting for it to fall apart, since that seems to be the pattern… your RIGHT as soon as he broke up with me… I heard in my head! “I’m used to it”, “why would I ever think it would have worked”… “see I told you so”..

    I think your right…

    yes, I was not as vulnerable as I am now… but the point was that I was more vulnerable than my partners were, and far more than most people are… still the past ones not as vulnerable as with “M”… and still it didn’t work… Yes he was a gift .. not disputing that.. I’ve grown a lot the past 3 weeks…

    I’m scared to have what I want… tears, tears, lots of tears….

    OXOXO



  118.  #118Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    {{{{{ Indigo}}}}}

    I’m sorry your sick…. take care of you…

    sending you lots of healing energy…

    <3



  119.  #119Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    @April Rose

    possibly… but for sure I’m feeling relaxed enough to let myself cry, process, and breathe deeply to allow the emotions to flow… naturally…

    and the tantrum comes, then goes… it’s about me allowing whatever I’m feeling to come up… have it’s space… then go…

    and yes, it would be nice… to have that in common… I love me enough to be gentle with me today, not expect too much from me… and to eat well, emote freely, and hold my child…

    but possibly, you could be right..

    Thanks!!!

    OXOXX



  120.  #120Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    Thank you Dominique, that feels so incredibly good to hear and supportive.

    I will e-mail you in the morning (it’s night time here).

    Thank you xx



  121.  #121Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 2:56 pm

    I feel excited for Bali and Langkawi and Singapore … connecting with nature and probably yoga and bodywork almost every single day …

    I feel a big gigantic “no” to working hard for anything right now. It seems there will need to be radical shifts in my business, mostly the Universe doing the heavy lifting … an energetic pattern that happened two years ago has played itself out again here, and I notice that the way I’m responding to it is very different … Then I was willing to “jockey for the sales.” And it did ultimately lead to a quantum leap. Now I’m not willing to do that. At all.

    God is the strength in which I trust.



  122.  #122Brenda on August 9, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Ruth#68

    I am happy when he’s around.Over all my mood without him is ok but,My mind keeps drifting to all negative things that’s happend between us and when he’s not around I feel miserable just thinking about that stuff.

    He hasn’t contacted me in 10 days since I ask him to leave my house.Yesterday he text me good morn from an unknown num so I said gm back to him.An hr later he called and said he need to come and get his folding table that he left at my house. I told him to go get it from my house that my son would bring it to the door, then he asked me where was I at and I told him at work.Then he said that he’ll just get the table from me later.

    When I got home I turned my phone off.I see that he called me this morn but I didn’t call back and so I blocked that num.The text messages still come thru my phone As spam I checked it to see what he had to say because if its about this darn folding table again I will drop it off to his moms house.I don’t want him to think I’m holding anything of his hostage.

    He asked me where was I at and I told him at work, that was this morn and now he hasn’t responded back at all and its fine with me.I am sick of feeling unloved and playing games with him.It’s either u love me or u don’t we’re together or were not.I gave him the speech twice and I was very careful with my words.basically I copy paste exactly what Rori said about not wanting to continue being friends lol, but what happened was he called me and gave my son a kindergarden gift and told me that he loves me and to bare with him I just have to stop being so negative towards him.

    Even after he said all that and spent time with my son on his graduation the next few days we still we’re distant.He said that he’s so busy with work.

    I just wonder what does he gain from the situation that he and I had going on that he won’t stipy contacting me.Igave him 3 mths of Nc and he came to my house unannounced said he wants us to he together and he hates it when I don’t talk to him he said that he was losing his mind.He called the only num he had on me cause I changed my cell my house line, twice a day for 3 whole mths some days more.He left messages and came knocking on my door a few times.

    Its all a hoax I guess because every time I surrender he pulls back after a few days he’ll still call and come around but he don’t include me in important stuff in his life.But I can wash his clothes, cook, let him use my car if he’s is down for days so that he can take his kids to school or do things done for himself.



  123.  #123Lisa on August 9, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    OMG so much emoting coming up and out… I’m doing nothing… allowing it to just hurt and hurt and then release….

    I had this urge to find someone ….. anyone… to hold me… and I didn’t, I just sat with the pain…. breathe, breathe, breathe, it hurt sooo bad… then it just came out… like a volcano …. spurting out …..

    every post, I read seems to speak to me… bring it up…

    I feel so much relief….now… tired.. really tired… but relief… peace…..

    This pain must be really old…pain…

    OXOXO



  124.  #124Brenda on August 9, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    Thks Dominique, femininewoman for the such kind words.



  125.  #125Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 4:35 pm

    I feel free, literally like I just got out of prison.

    My mind feels open and clear, with very few thoughts and no rumination. I don’t feel angry anymore. I don’t want the special relationship or anything that goes with it. Who knew it could be that easy?

    “The prison door is open. I can leave simply by walking out. Nothing holds me in this world. Only my wish to stay keeps me a prisoner. I would give up my insane wishes and walk into the sunlight at last.” – ACIM

    Subversive? perhaps …



  126.  #126Tereana on August 9, 2013 at 4:51 pm

    Well, it took a day and a half, but the weight of T’s response to me has finally come down, and the tears started to flow.

    I was weeping for the time I’ve spent, not believing that he loved me. But in fact, all this time, he had a crush on me and thought I was beautiful. I wonder how my life would have been different, if I had known? But I still feel peace. I needed to not know. I needed to be protected from that. In some way, I believe I did know, but I didn’t let my conscious mind know it, because it would have been too much.

    Now I know it, and he is not accessible to me. This makes me safe. But it is painful as well.

    And I feel peace and reassurance, too, because I know now how well I can trust myself, and that my guy instinct is correct. And if it was correct about that, it is correct about this, too: that the story is not over yet. He may have a child now with out mutual friend, but that does not mean be will be with her forever. Maybe there are people that I need to be with, short term and long term, in order for me to fully blossom into myself.

    And I have this crazy, radical idea, that somehow, at the end of it, we will come together. Even if we are senile in a nursing home when I happens, I’m sure that would still find him to be the hottest, most attractive man on the planet. And we’ll finish our lives together. Something like that. Because I feel very deeply that he is my soul mate, and we ARE meant to be together. Even if it isn’t happening right now. Even if he is with someone else. That, oddly, doesn’t even bother me that much. Because the truth in my heart feels south more real, and more tangible.

    But in the mean time, like I said, I may need to be with someone else. I still need to CD, to find who I work with. Maybe find someone to raise a family with.

    You never know where life will take you. All you can do is stay present, keep your eyes open, and enjoy the journey. Don’t rush. All good things will come in time….



  127.  #127Tereana on August 9, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    Gut instinct, not guy instinct ha



  128.  #128Zia on August 9, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    Hana 79 – I’ve been going through the biggest rut myself, and I have just realised the fact that no good men are coming into my life means it’s the perfect time for me to work on loving me, without the distraction of a man. For me, a man would derail all the inner work that I’ve been doing, because I used them for so long to define my self worth. This date I’m looking forward to, and he’s pretty much the only guy right now I’d accept a date with. We’ve been speaking a lot via text and on the phone and have a lot of similar interests so I’m just going into it with the view of him being a great friend if we do get along… and going to just keep doing “me” stuff.

    It can sometimes be hard to hear about all the women on here who just happen to meet men in cafes and bars and they’re all wonderful men… but their path is different to mine right now so I finally feel better about not comparing about who’s current journey is “better” or “worse” than mine.

    Much love to you! I am almost finished with this:
    http://40daysofselflove.com/mebeforewe/

    And I found it the perfect thing to focus on during this “me time”. Maybe it might be something you’d enjoy. Lots of love to you!! xoxox



  129.  #129Zia on August 9, 2013 at 5:23 pm

    Tereana 123 – I loved reading that.



  130.  #130Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    I just wrote another speech about my rates, and until I wrote it, I didn’t realize how angry I was. It’s the same theme … someone who has zillions of dollars asking me to be really small and be grateful for it.

    This is what I wrote, though I haven’t sent it cuz I want to sit with the anger first …

    “All right, ____. Some radical honesty here. Please don’t read it if you don’t want to hear it.

    I feel contempt and anger in this message. I am well aware that money is not an issue for you, and that you can easily afford my rates. To every session I give, I bring hundreds of thousands of dollars in training, years of careful contemplation, and I have devoted my entire life to this method. It is a 24/7 thing for me. I require support for that, as there are many ongoing training expenses and overhead to cover, as well as actually wishing to enjoy my life. As a Harvard-educated lawyer, I could be making millions of dollars in private practice. They would bill me out at a similar rate as what I charge. I have chosen instead to use those skills as a healer. I am not willing to live in poverty for that choice. I have many thousands of dollars of bills every month, most of it supports this business in one way or another, and I rely on the generosity of my clients to cover those expenses.

    “You are certainly free to make whatever decision is right for you. I stand by my rates, and I stand by the fact that they are increasing on Monday. I don’t know of any other healer who brings these skills to the table though you are certainly free to look for one. I would not wish for you to invest in sessions with me unless it comes from a clear heart. A heart that is happy to see me thriving the same way I help my clients and customers thrive.”

    Phew … anger. Same theme. Being asked to be very small and saying no to it.



  131.  #131Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 7:13 pm

    and oh what I would like to say about that EMK newsletter that got posted in one of the previous threads … in my job, I get to see inside those relationships … and wow are they toxic … wow are those women powerless … I feel angry that this kind of advice is being given to women



  132.  #132Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    It looks so perfect on the outside, because she wouldn’t dare do anything to make him “look bad” for fear of “losing everything.” And then I get to hear from these women what’s really going on, what they don’t tell anyone else. The fear, the lack of full expression, the powerlessness. I feel furious about this, that the truth is not being told here.



  133.  #133Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    the quiet desperation



  134.  #134Tereana on August 9, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Haha! I just sent another truth-telling message to a former CD. I am on a truth-telling rampage! 🙂

    This one, I figured out, he’s married. How do I know? Well, my intuition, for one. But the evidence backs it up. He’s never seen me on a weekend. Not once. Despite my repeatedly requesting it. But he’ll drive to see me on a weekday, no question. (He could tell his wife he’s working late).

    Exhibit B is his car. When I met him, he drove a Beemer. Then one day, he was driving a Prius. He says his BMW was “in the shop.” But the next time I saw him, months later, he still had the Prius. At this point, he told me this was his new car. No explanation. He never would have fine that without the influence of a woman.

    And he was clearly an experienced lover. Which doesn’t have to mean anything, but it could come from being attached to one person.

    Anyway, I told him – I know the truth. He’s denied it in the past, but I know it’s true, without him confirming it.

    So I said I forgive him, and I forgive myself. But that his wife would be luckier if he would talk to her instead of running around…

    Ah, it feels good to speak the truth…



  135.  #135Zia on August 9, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    bumped into my boy’s dad shopping with his wife and my boy at the shops today… feels good to not feel any sort of bad feelings 🙂



  136.  #136Tereana on August 9, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    Zia – I’m happy you could read it, with all the typos! I’m mostly checking in by phone these days : )

    And thank you! 🙂



  137.  #137Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 7:41 pm

    She won’t speak up. I will. That’s why I won’t be in a special relationship. I will not put myself in a position to “lose everything” by speaking the truth. She can’t walk away without wreaking havoc in her life. I can. This is why I don’t believe in relationships like this, of any kind, including employment relationships.



  138.  #138Tereana on August 9, 2013 at 7:49 pm

    And Zia, that’s great about not feeling any bad feelings!

    ~

    Also, in the truth department, I’ve come up with a new term, to use for myself: TMH – too much honesty.

    You have TMI, and you have honesty. And sometimes you have too much honesty.

    I am guilty of this. Probably more than I care to admit, because, usually, when I speak the truth, I feel proud of it. I feel like I’ve done “my job.” But other people often don’t like the truth. The truth is painful sometimes or just plain not what they want to deak with.

    It’s hard, because I dislike dealing with anything this is not Truth to me. And yet, some people feel fine, if not more comfortable, dealing in a world of small untruths.

    So…as much as I probably want to tell all the truth all the time to everyone, TMH says that there are times to keep the honesty in check. The are times when I can know the truth, and not have to say it.

    ~

    I’ve been wondering if my response to T was TMH. But no. It wasn’t. It can’t have been. Because it was simply me, stating where I am at. And I felt complete, after I sent it. Like I had said all that I needed to say. And I have this feeling of, it can’t have been wrong. It’s me. I can’t say the wrong thing to him. He accepts it. Even if he doesn’t respond right now. It doesn’t matter. It was just enough truth. It was what I needed to say. And, whether he knew it or not, he gave me what I needed to hear…and that was an incredible gift



  139.  #139Zia on August 9, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    128 Erika – I feel intrigued by your interpretation of that advice, because I don’t get that at all. I see a man being blunt in the way some men are, just telling it how it is. He doesn’t mean any harm. He just wants to be allowed to be a man who makes plans and gives to women, and for them to receive what he is offering. To me, that advice wasn’t given in a “my way or the high way” sort of way, it was a frustrated man who just wants to be a man.

    That’s my take on it, anyway. I hear it a lot from men being interviewed, they get exasperated and sad when they want to give to women and women get refused.



  140.  #140Zia on August 9, 2013 at 7:54 pm

    *women refuse



  141.  #141Zia on August 9, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Tereana – I know… I was actually able to look his wife in the eye and smile and genuinely mean the smile. I’ve come a long way, baby! 😀 (only took 3 years lol! but i think the bulk of it has been this “self love boot camp” i’ve been on the last 5 months)



  142.  #142Zia on August 9, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    It’s hard to know if my love connection to my boy’s dad is solely because we have a child together or something more, but it makes my heart happy that we are in each other’s lives.



  143.  #143Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    Zia,

    Yes it’s true we are all living in our interpretations.

    What I heard in that newsletter is a “one-way” relationship where the woman is not really allowed to express herself fully. She can take it or leave it, to be sure. But she’s not allowed to be a full co-creator …

    And what I’m seeing in a real life situation is what that kind of passivity looks like from the woman’s perspective where she’s now in a position to “lose everything” by speaking up too boldly, and it’s not something I would want. I’m very empathic, and from where I sit, it feels very much like walking on eggshells and living in fear and repeating old childhood patterns that did not work. The man is not aware of this, he thinks everything is fine because of her passivity.



  144.  #144Erika Awakening on August 9, 2013 at 8:26 pm

    When I was an employee, I “went along” with a whole lot of stuff that actually felt awful … because as an employee, it seemed wise to pick and choose my battles, lest I “lose everything” by speaking up too often.

    That’s also how I felt being a child.

    There was a huge power imbalance between employer and employee, and between parent and child. Much of the power imbalance comes from the financial and emotional dependency. I couldn’t speak my truth fully for fear of losing a lot because someone else was calling the shots. And calling the shots poorly – in a non-win-win way – much of the time, I might add.

    I do not like to see those patterns being recreated in couple relationships, and I see it all the time in my work. It actually feels sickening to me. A true balance of power with all parties speaking fully and powerfully, with equal financial bargaining power and the ability to walk away, feels much better to me.



  145.  #145Zia on August 9, 2013 at 8:34 pm

    140 Erika – It’s probably because I’m a member of his forum so know a little more about his views in relationships that my opinion has been formed the way it has. That’s definitely not the case. I don’t think any man with his salt wants a woman who just sits there passively and never challenges him or expresses herself, it’s more in the way she goes about it 🙂



  146.  #146Veronica on August 9, 2013 at 10:46 pm

    Indigo – I hope you get better soon.



  147.  #147Indigo on August 9, 2013 at 10:58 pm

    Thank you Veronica (((hugs)))

    And thank you Lisa 🙂 <3



  148.  #148Zia on August 9, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    Couldn’t believe it… driving to my parents house today to drop my boy off for a sleepover, and a song comes on the radio that i’ve not heard in MONTHS, that my ex and I always used to sing together. My boy gets all excited and says my ex’s and his son’s name… and I felt no grief, no sadness, no pang in my heart. Just all smiles. I feel so healed!! 🙂



  149.  #149Angel on August 10, 2013 at 12:05 am

    “Shut down, clam up, close down, hide myself, and do everything I could mentally figure out to get people’s (and men’s – but this includes ALL people) approval. Approval would do if I couldn’t get love and affection.”

    “Everything is either Love – or a Call for Love.
    And yet – my Call for Love feels mightily like FEAR. ”

    These two quotes resonate so deeply with me, and are exactly what I’m working with right now. The word approval in this article gives me the chills, it feels so sad and empty.



  150.  #150Cris on August 10, 2013 at 12:19 am

    Tereana you are brave!!! this TMH that nevertheless can spoil some relationships..
    bravo”!



  151.  #151Veronica on August 10, 2013 at 2:32 am

    I started to read a book that I had been avoiding for about a month or so. I realised that if love especially my love was ever going to feel precious to me that I would have to thank BM for his love, for our love in the relationship.

    At first I thought it was about forgiveness. And also that I was finding another way of being energetically attached to him. So I checked myself, checked carefully through what I had written. I am not asking anything of him, I am not offering anything of myself to be taken. I am thanking and accepting what is now. I feel that for me love has dignity now and a value has been returned to the love that existed in the relationship. I feel humble and hopeful for myself.

    Dominique, I believe this would be being thankful for the love that happened. It was a very windy road getting here, if it is here yet.

    I hope this makes sense because the words have evaded capturing the feeling I am experiencing.



  152.  #152Indigo on August 10, 2013 at 6:32 am

    Erika,

    I feel the need to say, I love your unconventional spirit.



  153.  #153Erika Awakening on August 10, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Thanks Indigo. I am really appreciating this part of me that is speaking up right now.

    After I calmed down, I revised my speech to my client and I think I’ll publish it on one of my blogs. Along with my weariness about the “myths” of “perfect-looking relationships” is my weariness about the “martyr healer” thing … I am so tired of living in a world where many healers charge unsustainable rates out of guilt, shame, and conventional thinking …



  154.  #154Indigo on August 10, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Erika,

    I admire the empowerment you are claiming for yourself. I really do.

    If something feels like it is what you want and need, there is no reason you should not hold out for it or step up and claim it.

    Brava to you.



  155.  #155Erika Awakening on August 10, 2013 at 11:45 am

    I don’t pretend to speak for everyone … I’ll speak for myself …

    NEVER sell yourself on the cheap. Hold out for the highest bidders. Whether it’s love, sex, or business, those are the people you want in your life. The ones who will support your thriving. For me, giving my time to anyone who does not contribute generously to my purpose is pure self-betrayal. I am not desperate. I will not settle. I will stand for my true value and what I really want until it arrives.



  156.  #156Violet on August 10, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    Brenda-67: Please, please, please.. get as far away from that individual as you can! Change the locks, if you have to!

    @ FeminineWoman: You seem like an angel in disquise as far as I’m concerned. Everything I’ve read from you has such wisdom and truth. I especially like this statement: ”we teach people how to treat us.”

    OMG! That, right there; spoke volumns! I try hard to treat people the way I would like to be treated.

    Your statement gave me the impetis I needed to accept nothing less than what I know I deserve.

    Thank you! And, Rori: I appreciate you making these forums available to women (and men). Where would we be without the empowerment you make known to us!?



  157.  #157Violet on August 10, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    Hello Ladies…

    I’m not sure if this constitutes a problem or not. I feel incredibly lonely. I’m 57yrs old and tired of not having a companion to share things with.

    I haven’t had a serious, long term relationship since my divorce. I feel like I lost my groove and don’t know how to get it back.

    It’s like I can read until I’m blue in the face about how I’m all this and a bag of chips. Thing about it is… I KNOW what I have to offer!

    I barely get asked out on dates. If I do; they’re either all over me like syrup on pancakes, or out the door looking for some ideal that isn’t reality.

    I used to be on this free dating site. Now; I’ve given up for what seems like the millionth time. Where are all the good guys at!? That’s one question I’d like answered.

    Meanwhile… The clock keeps ticking. I feel depressed, don’t know where to look, tired of feeling like I’ll be alone for the rest of my existence.

    This is how I’m feeling right now. I probably just need a good cry or two and then ‘maybe’ I’ll have a different perspective.

    There’s not too much I can do in the present circumstances. Time keeps moving on and so must I.

    Thanks for reading,

    Violet



  158.  #158Cris on August 10, 2013 at 3:11 pm

    Violet please, don’t be so sad…. you are still young and beautiful!! and you have to feel this way. I am very impatient but I think the key is just stop wanting and expecting.

    you will find him unexpectedly, where and when you don’t think he is. I am sure!! all the best for you, dear



  159.  #159Dominique on August 10, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    Veronica – 147 – Beautiful. I understand what you’re saying. Beautiful.

    xxoo



  160.  #160Dominique on August 10, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    Violet – 152 – It’s difficult for me to ascertain what’s going on with you, why things might be as they are right now from what you write here.

    Questions I have would be – How are you presenting yourself? Do you maybe have walls up, i.e. fear, getting in your way? How are you expressing yourself? Are you taking precious care of yourself? How do you fill yourself up? Do you have a full life even though there isn’t a man to share this with? Do you have girlfriends with whom you can share yourself?

    There are more questions, yet these are the ones which come readily to mind.

    In the meantime, I send you love.

    xxoo



  161.  #161Zia on August 10, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    I feel sad today. Some days its hard being a single girl who is surrounded by married people/couples 🙁



  162.  #162Hana on August 10, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    I know Zia, I can totally Validate you for that. I was pushing my son in the stroller, I take long hikes when he sleeps, and I passed like so many couples that look so appealing, and I feel such a mixture of delight (for my future), depression for my present lol, and jealousy. I will take a look at the link u sent me, btw you never emailed me, I’m hanajaime@gmail.com.

    Cheer up, go out to a jazz club or somewhere fun if u can!! I’m trying out a different salsa club that is a bit more ghetto but maybe will change my luck 🙂

    Love to you all!

    Xoxoxoxoxo



  163.  #163Tereana on August 10, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    Cris – 146: thanks! Yeah, I know. And I’m not really worried about it, since there’s not a “relationship” to spoil. I have nothing to lose!! And all my self-dignity to gain : )



  164.  #164Tereana on August 10, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Wow – slow times on the blog!

    I heard back from T today. And he said he totally understands. And you what? I felt like, “yeah, of course he understands. Because he’s my freaking soul mate!” Lol. It made so much sense. It all makes so much sense.

    Up until this point, and starting from about the time that I started to like him and love for him, my life has felt like a nonsensical labyrinth of WTF?!.

    Hearing from him that he has feelings for me, too, is like, “Finally!” Something that makes sense… it makes the most sense of anything I’ve ever heard.

    Thank goodness

    Now I can get on with my life!!



  165.  #165Tereana on August 10, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    Zia – 156: I totally know the feeling!!!



  166.  #166Tereana on August 10, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    Violet – I can certainly empathize with the pain of your loneliness. You were married. You had a companion for that time, who was certainly an important person to you. I don’t know how long ago the divorce was, but you don’t need to beat yourself up about not having someone “since that time.” How long is “too long”? We all need different lengths of time to heal. Maybe it’s possible you just need time by yourself in order to get you “groove” back. You get this time to remember who YOU are without that “other person,” whoever that may be. When you find yourself as Who You Are, you may forget about your loneliness, and someone great may very well show up. I know a couple who fell in love and got married in their 60s. It’s not too late. Maybe this time is a gift for you.

    Solitude doesn’t have to equal loneliness.

    Enjoy . Your life is a blessing 🙂



  167.  #167Zia on August 11, 2013 at 6:05 pm

    I feel like I’m just beyond this mid way point, where I know I don’t want the kind of men I was attracting before, but I don’t yet recognize the men that I do want. There are men everywhere but I’m just not “seeing” them. I went on this date the other night and he was someone I’d love as a friend but nothing more. It feels weird, to not be attracted to anyone.



  168.  #168Teresa on August 15, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    I feel I am very lost. I have been seeing this man for the last 4 months. At this point in time I can’t even say we are dating as we are together maybe 2/3 times a month. Distance could be a problem as we live 1 hour from each other. The other is he has a 14 year old son who lives with him 5 days a week. So that you better understand the father and son went through a tragic event in their lives about 4 years ago. I have not met his son as of yet. I guess my question is how long do I give him? We both enjoy each others company when we are together but we are so limited to the amount of time until he tells his son about us.



  169.  #169Rori Raye on August 15, 2013 at 10:51 pm

    Teresa – you’re dating this man. And that’s FINE!!!! The only thing that ISN’T fine is your being EXCLUSIVE with him. Learn about Circular Dating. If you’ve somehow signed an exclusivity agreement with him (it doesn’t sound as if you have…) – then undo it with the “No Girlfriend Speech” – or just easing into accepting dates with other men. One hour distance is nothing. And a 14 year old son is just fine without his father a lot of the time – he has friends, sports…..so please don’t “make stuff up” about why he sees you as much (little) as he does. It’s fine for dating – just not for a “relationship.” So see it as dating, and you’ll be fine….Love, Rori



  170.  #170Teresa on August 16, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Since I am new at this website exactly where do I find the “no girlfriend speech”? Thanks



  171.  #171shae deitrey on August 16, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Not sure but it’s in a previous thread when I read it… :;)



  172.  #172ParalyzingFear on August 17, 2013 at 10:42 am

    Wow! Awesome information, sharing, articles, just hit the Nail on the Head for me. I am presently suffering from a broken heart, feeling paralyzing fear that has made me stop everything in my life but breathing and sleeping. I hardly eat, I am afraid of meeting any other man, I am afraid of getting back together with my ex, but want it so bad, boy am I ever messed up. Thank you for sharing the Fall on the stairway technique, I certainly will try that one. My biggest fear is that if I let go, I will get hurt much worse, when in fact I can see that it is only freedom I would feel and the desire of freedom is much more stronger than being stuck somewhere with something that is not good for me or stuck with feelings that are not good for me. Thank you so much Rori, and all of you who have shared. I need this blog, I need to hear what you have to say as it is helping me.



  173.  #173Rori Raye on August 17, 2013 at 11:21 am

    Paralyzing – Welcome! Love, Rori



  174.  #174Violet on August 21, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    Dominique – 156

    I think I come off as independent, assertive, down to earth, intelligent… I can’t percieve of trying to be something I’m not.

    Your questions presented an opportunity for me to evaluate different areas in my life.

    There’s something else I think important to relate. I am diagnosed with Depression. Anyone who has this disease knows how it effects the way people see things.

    Thank you to the ladies who provided feedback. It is greatly appreciated.

    Violet aka IamSweetViolet



  175.  #175sensuouswoman on August 21, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    Through what Rori has been teaching I have been pondering this conundrum of love vs fear. In my own relationships with men it has always been fear that has crowded out love and caused me to totally self destruct.. With my most recent relationship which is still ongoing I caught myself again tonight yielding to fear. I am having some money problems.. due mostly to my inattention but still causing a squeeze on me.. then I hadn’t heard from my guy all day today except for a text this morning… and because of my money woes.. and worry about it.. all of the sudden the fear starts up about my guy. I called him earlier tonight but he did not answer. He called me back about 45 minutes later.. Before he called I was all worried that the relationship was falling apart.. no reason for it except I was stressing out over money.. and then I saw it.. A real bad habit.. that I had been doing all my life.. stressed out over money or school.. and what did I used to do? Take it out on my guy…. but now.. tonight I didn’t do that.. instead as soon as I heard his voice I melted and warmed up… I mean I can work through anything with this hunka burnin love in my life!!!! hahaha.. So this is progress..

    Also, thanks to circular dating and focusing on myself I heard from an exboyfriend who wanted to start seeing me again and I happily thanked him for his consideration but explained that I was now in a mutually exclusive relationship. He then asked if my relationship did not work out would I please give him another chance. He texted me again today asking if it was ok for him to contact me again and I told him no that I wouldn’t want my current boyfriend being contacted by his ex and I know he wouldn’t want an ex of mine contacting me for no reason other than to keep themselves in the loop so to speak. So I asked him not to text me any more. Ooooh circular dating has been good to me.. increasing my self esteem, teaching me what I want and do not want in a relationship, and getting me ready to have a satisfying exclusive relationship. I can’t say enough about what I have learned in the last year since I found Rori’s web site. The greatest thing is that even though I fall into my old patterns.. I know recognize it!!!! Yippeeee… I am no longer unconscious and blindly flinging myself around feeling helpless and hoping that someone will love me.. instead I have learned to value myself and be myself in all my glory. Like magic this wonderful guy shows up who loves to hear me talk… who laughs at what I say.. who proclaims me to his closest family members, who provides for me and helps me out, and who is protective of me to the point where he is paying for me to take a firearms course this weekend. Fabulous.. and the funny thing is that we do have a lot of things in common.. Yes the relationship is new.. but it has been effortless for the most part and nothing but fun.. I never worry about if he will call or text because he always does.. it is just amazing how far I have come.



  176.  #176lacey nancers on August 21, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    Sensiousxoman… that sounds really great for you.
    Oh and squeeze the trigger slowly.
    … XxX



  177.  #177Tatiana on August 23, 2013 at 12:11 am

    What about personality disorders Rori? How do I keep hoping after 28 years of marriage and my husband has been diagnosed with NPD but wont accept that he hurts people emotionally because he lacks empathy & is sometimes aggressive? Is he what you’d call a Toxic Man? After so many years of marriage, trying to help him, support him and keep on loving him, I’m exhausted and know its time to look after myself. Vie started circular dating but not sure whether all the dates are good choices for me. How do you let go of someone you’ve been with for longer than you were single? I still have hope and I’m applying the Tools but wondered whether you had any hoer advice?



  178.  #178Rori Raye on August 23, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Tatiana, Welcome -and I hope someone here with experience with what you’re going through can help you – and I would totally encourage private coaching. You sound wonderful and kind, and what you need is experience – which is why Circular Dating in any way you can can help you learn how men and the world work, how YOU work…general discovery. Love, Rori



  179.  #179Teesa on August 30, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Through what I have been learning and redirecting my energy I have now found myself in a situation I am not sure how I want to handle it. I have been dating this man that I have now caught in a lie. Is it a big lie or little…..for me it doesn’t matter. I have decided to take a step back and think about how I will address this. know he will want to get together Saturday. I will not be able to hide how I feel so I want to address it with him. I do not have that “game face” as he so often tells me. Any advice?



  180.  #180Teresa on September 2, 2013 at 6:38 am

    I am extremely sad today. The man I have been see for 6 months is upset. He has not spoken to me in the last 2 days. I am trying o remain strong but at times it is not easy. I am trying to redirect my energy to Rori program but I have found myself curling up in a ball and crying. I pray that each day gets easier.



  181.  #181Diane on September 2, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Dear Rori,
    This is my first blog post. I’m trying to build a support network to help me move on. I recently ended a 7 year relationship with a married man whom I loved very deeply, and he, me. We tried so many times to let go of each other, it never worked, but over the years I’ve worked hard at understanding why I continued, learned a lot in therapy. I just got to the point where I didn’t want to spend another day without him and that being without him was better than having 1/2 of him. So I pushed him to make a decision, couldn’t help it, I just got so angry. We had spent a night camping, which we had not been able to do for about 5 years, the next morning, his wife called, and that sent both of us into a funk; he was so overwhelmed that I asked that he take me home. But after he left, I was shaking with fear and grief, waiting for him to call, sure he would break it off. Then I realized that I didn’t have to wait for that call, I could walk away. I knew then that I couldn’t live this way any longer. So I pushed him, and last Friday he told me he couldn’t leave her. He wants to be friends but I said no. It hurts too much and I know I won’t move on if I keep talking to him. I know he loves me deeply and that this is killing him too, but I’m also angry that he doesn’t do anything about it. He’s too scared and I know that he never will change. I know I did the right thing, but each day, at some point, the grief takes over and I can’t stop crying. Right now I’m OK but I know that on and off, I won’t be. I’m not a kid, I’m in my early 60’s but it hurts just as much as when I was younger. I just wanted to reach out today for some moral support, because I know that it will get worse before I work through it all.I began circular dating in the late spring, meeting a few nice people, but nothing came of it, man wise, that is; what it did do is help me let go, helped me see that there are other men out there. Now the thought of dating makes me cringe, hopefully that will pass. Thanks for listening. You have helped me so much already. Every night I listen to one of your programs and it helps me feel that I’m not alone.



  182.  #182Rori Raye on September 2, 2013 at 8:27 pm

    Diane, you are SO not alone! Whatever it is you feel and believe about yourself that would allow you to stay committed to a man for 7 years who is committed to another woman is what’s stopping you from meeting a man who wants to put you first. That can change quickly. Circular Dating is about healing, not about meeting “Mr. Right” – although it is the fastest route to that. Love, Rori



  183.  #183Amanda on September 3, 2013 at 3:57 am

    I just had an experience with fear in a relationship. The guy I was seeing left abruptly one night after a very small disagreement. I let him go but as this was a new relationship it made me uncomfortable to have such a dramatic moment so early on over something so little. (Also he lives over an hour away so leaving was really making a statement) The thing is that I felt this instant fear of expressing my true thoughts about what he had done…I was physically afraid and on the phone with him a few days later I was literally unable to utter more words than just yes, ok, cool….It was a very awkward conversation to say the least. He said he really wanted us to think about our relationship and find out if we were good for each other and so on. He asked to see me again and we made plans…The date was really fun but the whole time I was just unable to release the fear I felt…I did exactly what this post says not to…I shut down, clammed up and focused on winning back his approval. He left the next morning and txted for hours after about what a great time he had with me. Well after two days of not hearing from him which was not like him he texted me that he ex girlfriend showed up in town out of the blue and wants him back and although he knows it’s a huge mistake… he really likes me but feels he needs to give it one more shot with her. Well I can tell you that obviously stung a bit! But I went back to the moment I felt that fear and realized it was a warning for me…a trigger that something wasn’t right in this relationship…whether it was a bad relationship or just bad timing…I wasn’t getting what I wanted, but was so afraid to lose him already (after just a few weeks) that I was willing to be someone I wasn’t. From watching the videos I have learned to love a challenge and a discovery in this journey and so I got excited. Literally giddy…saying to myself here is your first change since starting this course to try out the things you’ve learned and see if it works for you. So, instead of wallowing in self pity and saying something very angry to him or asking him why or trying to win him back…I replied that I obviously feel disappointed and had liked him as well…but if that is decision, I wish him well. And I’m telling ya…I feel great. And I’m going to not let fear make me afraid to speak my feelings anymore. I regret not getting to tell him that his actions were not acceptable…but ya know what, I’m not his mother, Maybe he ex can help him develop his mental muscle further…My Mr Right will not need my fixing,



  184.  #184Rori Raye on September 3, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Amanda – Brava to YOU!!!! Brilliant – you sound wonderful, and you’re in the exact right place at the exact right time….all is green ahead for you…..Love, Rori



  185.  #185Amanda on September 3, 2013 at 1:40 pm

    Awww thanks so much Rori…needed that. I will admit I did make one mistake along the way and that was that although I was Circular Dating, I had invested too much emotional energy in him. Lesson learned. But from watching you videos I did realize one very important thing that kept me from obsessing about the end of this…This break up wasn’t about me. I didn’t do anything wrong. He just wasn’t over his ex and he was on the highway back to her long before he even met me. It was bound to happen. It was, from my understanding, a very rocky relationship (That’s all I know because I shut down any conversation he tried to have about her 🙂 You just can’t compete sometimes with the emotional pull of an ex…I could have been the most perfect person in the world and he still would have chosen her over me at this time. For whatever reason he is on his own emotional journey right now. Since I know she dumped him (4 yrs ago) and he never got over it, I almost wanted to forward him a link to your videos so maybe he could figure out how to move on. Almost!
    I will add this piece of advice for anyone else out there in a similar situation. In the past few years of online dating, I have been passionately pursued and then abruptly dumped by three guys who have returned to an ex. And each one has come back within two months (because we all know that most times when someone returns to a ex relationship that had gone bad, it usually goes bad again very quickly) so please take the time to think about how you feel about the relationship and whether or not you’re willing to give him another shot. And what you want to say when he does come back. So have your scripts ready.
    So glad I found your blog. It’s been very helpful.



  186.  #186Amanda on September 4, 2013 at 2:09 am

    Rori, (or anyone else that wants to chime in)
    I do have on question. Since I have had this happen before (someone abruptly ending a relationship to get back with an ex) I was wondering, is there something I should be saying or asking the man if I get a feeling he still has feelings for his ex. I know to not allow the talk about the ex and to change the subject and I do that..but I think they were each putting it out there so much that I ignored the problem and probably should have just asked how they were feeling and see if I could get some heads up that this woman was still in their life. Thoughts???



  187.  #187Cris on September 4, 2013 at 3:18 am

    I feel that one man’s ex is his business, not yours. There is always a risk that they come back to them of course, but I would not have that talk.
    Hope this thought is useful!



  188.  #188Amanda on September 4, 2013 at 6:18 am

    Agreed Cris. I was just wondering what the proper approach was when even if you have changed the subject and said you don’t want to hear about his ex and he keeps doing it? Do you decide to not date him anymore? And if he is doing it, is it just never appropriate to say that I feel uncomfortable with talking about your ex and is there something I should know? Sure, you may not get a straight answer but if a guy keeps doing something you don’t like aren’t we supposed to tell them how we feel and if they don’t change it, we move on?



  189.  #189Sally on September 5, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    Dear Rori,

    Please help me deal with my fear.

    Okay so a month after the breakup of the most perfect relationship, i see him once again at school. I couldnt resist talking to him so i call him on a monday and he tells me he misses and loves me too. we have a casual fun convo plus he said he would take me to his new house on wednesday since he moved but then i sort of pushed him away again by asking him if he had been with any other girl after me; he didnt reply. then on tuesday i asked him if we were going to his house and he said “maybe” then on wednesday i go up to him and ask him and he says no but that he will text me. on thursday i tell him that i really want to hang out and he says he works a lot, which he really does and i told him that it almost felt like he doesnt want to sort things with me and when i asked if he even wanted to work things out he txted back saying “I have to work what are you talking about” then on friday night was the football game, he plays football, so i text saying “good luck tonight(:” and he says hes working so he wont be playing, i asked why he works so much he said “just cause”. Then on saturday I asked if i could call him and he said his family was over and he tried to make conversation with me by asking me what i was doing and we had a fun convo about trey songz since i was listenign to his music. i eventually fell asleep but he texted me at 1 am saying “baby ?” which i saw at 7 am and so i txted back saying “sorry i fell asleep” (this is sunday now) and he didnt reply. so at 11:10 pm (when he gets home from work) i texted him saying “can we call tonight?” and he doesnt reply. then i call him at 11:50 and he rejected my call after 2 bells. That is when i gave up on trying to get him to talk to me.

    My fear is that if i dont do anything, no progress will be made between us. but now i realize that i pushed him away even more and made myself even more miserable. Please help me. how do i make myself stronger? I dont wanna let go of him cuz the relationship that me and him had was the bestest ive been in. I want that relationship back and i want it back with him. How do i deal with seeing him in the halls at school? I know i should back off, which is what i am doing right now, it’s been 4 days now and i havnt talked to him and i thought he might do something but nope, he hasnt texted/called/talked to me. i dont wanna be the one doing all the work tho, i dont wanna be the man in the relationship, thats his job not mine. despite knowing this, i still am the one that does the work. Please help me out here. how do i make him come back to me? i feel confused cuz he is giving me mixed signals. he told me he loves and misses me plus he even said he wants to marry me after college…but then he wont text/call me first. he takes no action at all, then when i do take an action and call/text him first, then he acts wierd and cold and distant. Please help me Rori!



  190.  #190sensuouswoman on September 6, 2013 at 11:17 am

    This is a response to Sally: First all I’d like to thank Rori for changing my life this past year… my relationships with men have changed so much in the last year and I am in a good new relationship with a great guy.

    Now for my comments to Sally.

    It seems Sally that you are young, still in school… I am not sure how old you are but I am assuming early 20’s. I hope that you will listen to what we and others with more experience are trying to tell you… especially Rori.

    I am 60 years old and had bad or unsatisfying relationships with men for years because I was doing things wrong.

    #1 I used to try to make the relationship work.. that was a huge mistake because it appeared to the guys that I was pushy and desperate. The last thing you want a guy to think about you is you are desperate because no one wants someone who is desperate and we ladies put off that vibe because we try to move the relationship along.. you can’t do that.. it has to evolve and part of any good relationship is the beginning and it seems that you are still in that stage.

    #2 asking him about other women is … desperate and men can sense that.. and it will turn him off. It also hints at drama and that will turn him off too cuz the last thing a guy needs is someone who is always concerned with whether he is seeing someone else or not.

    #3 I would wait for a guy to “come around”… bad mistake because I was cheating myself out of meeting some wonderful people. Nothing wreaks of desperation than “waiting” and saving yourself just for him.. He doesn’t see that as love.. he sees that as being desperate.. and who wants someone that no one else wants.. right?

    You ask what you can do to make him come back? First of all you can’t make anyone come back to you dear one… it has to be his “idea” and it has to be his choice.

    So today at age 60 this is what I would do. I would not contact him any more unless he contacts me first and I would keep things light and fun. Guys many times don’t remember much about what you talk about (hint, if he is into you he will usually remember at least parts of your conversation)…but the one thing that guys remember is how THEY FELT when they were talking to you or being around you. That is why asking him about other girls.. or asking him when you are going to see him has to quit…again that wreaks of desperation and neediness which translate into “drama queen” in his mind. I would not ask him to do anything with you unless you have had 2 or 3 decent dates where he pays attention to u.

    The last thing I would do is start circular dating… If the online thing is your deal .. find guys online who find you attractive and you like.. go out with them… accept dates from as many men as you can and enjoy being with them. It is not dishonest to date someone who you aren’t madly in love with… the guys are dating you because they find you attractive and if you find them the least bit attractive date them.. and spend a little time with them.. But don’t talk to them about your current heart throb.. start with a clean slate with each guy.

    Final advice… listen to Rori and do everything she says to do because her program is designed to help you gain self esteem with men and I can tell you it works… don’t spend the next 40 years like I did going from one unsatisfactory relationship to another…

    Hugs… Ann



  191.  #191sensuouswoman on September 6, 2013 at 11:29 am

    Amanda,

    I dunno about talking to him about his talking about the ex.. If yall were getting really serious I could see a time for the discussion.. but if this is still early in the relationship why not let him talk… it will give you new insights into him. I let my boyfriend talk about his ex a lot because it gives me clues as to what he felt he was missing with her. My current boyfriend felt used and unappreciated … he felt that he had to do everything in the relationship and he never did anything right. So I try to show him my appreciation a lot.. and if we are doing a project together I try to do my part.

    Right before we met he got a phone call from her asking him to give her a horse that they had raised together and he refused to give it to her unless she paid for all the feed, vet bill, and upkeep he had incurred on the animal. His remark to me when he told me about the conversation was.. “I think I am really over her because when I saw it was her calling me my heart did not jump in my throat”… so while their relationship resembled a yo-yo.. I think that he is finished.. but I will keep the things he tells me in the back of my mind.

    Good luck



  192.  #192Femininewoman on September 6, 2013 at 11:35 am

    Sally – when i do take an action and call/text him first, then he acts wierd and cold and distant.

    That is your clue. Stop doing what doesn’t work. He might be slow but maybe if you allow him to move at his pace while dating others he will feel a change in your vibe. I am pretty sure he doesn’t like it when you are hyperfocussed on him.



  193.  #193sensuouswoman on September 6, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    After reading the introduction to this thread… I am reminded of the book “Love Is Letting Go Of Fear” the title in itself is a lesson. We can’t love when we are fearful we can only love when we let go of the fear. I think it is the fear that men pick up on and it makes them uncomfortable because although I know they experience fear it is an emotion that they do not like to deal with..



  194.  #194Teresa on September 7, 2013 at 7:26 am

    I have been experiencing fear a lot lately. A man I have been dating has become very distant because I did not text him back one evening so therefore he assumed the worse. I replied back to his text 24 hrs. later because of multiple reasons…actually received very sad news. This was not good enough for him. Out of the blue five days later he sent me a text and asked if I had a chance to check on airline tickets (we were planning a 3 day vacation together). I replied back no. I have not heard from him in 2 days. Yes it is difficult but I have decided to move on. I am not sure whether I will hear from this man again. I have been listening to your program Rori and have learned in this short period of time to love myself and everything works out for a reason. I have decided to go for a total makeover…new haircut, color, mani /pedi. This will be the beginning of a new me. I am still uncomfortable with the idea of Circular dating but have been dating myself. I will be turning 55 this year and agree with sensouswomen that if I knew back then with what I am learning now things would probably be so different.



  195.  #195Teresa on September 7, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    Need advice…..
    From my previous comment I feel deep down that everything is over with this man I have been dating. My question I ask myself is do I have the right to contact him and ask him for all of my personal items I have left at his home? Should I give it more time? Your thoughts/advice?



  196.  #196Lizabeth on September 23, 2013 at 10:35 am

    Fear and Love do not mix…but fear helps you to be able to define what kind of feelings of fear is for you. To experience fear, teaches one to heal and to move to the next fear…My fear was…loving someone and then that person has died. I stood strong, for a while..short while and told my self again and again..I will not love for fear of loss..That is absolutely no way to be in life! Your just lonely and wanting to be stuck there, alone…To learn how to accept this and work through this..has brought me to a man,,that loves me for me and knows and accepts all of my fears and he tells and shows me time and again..that it will be ok..He loves my fears with me and he has made me strong…He truly adores me for me…he is and has been there for me without me asking anything or doing anything for it! Just let me say also..that we have been together for over 6 years and just got married last year…meaning that getting to where we are now…was work..but well worth it…Its like you’ve said..its effortless and free and with no worries about commitment or me having to do things for him…to receive love and appreciation from him..I feel totally for the first time…adored, safe and loved..And its true,,he feels safe with me, with his feelings etc…Thanks so much for your site,,when money permits, I will be ordering CD’s from you..Your advice is true and wonderful…Thanks so much…



  197.  #197teresa on September 29, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    The fear of being controlled…
    I am in fear of being controlled by a man I am seeing. In the beginning things were okay but he has serious trust issue because he says of distance. I have found him asking questions about where I am at and sometimes not believing me. He has now started requesting that I take a picture of where I am at to prove to him which is crazy. I found myself in a situation that made me so uncomfortable that I did not tell him the truth right off. He thinks I spend to much time babysitting my grandkids. One evening he sent me a text and wanted to know what I was doing. I will be honest and say I wasn’t honest with him. I told him I was walking. Before I knew it things had became ugly and I told him I was babysitting my grandchildren. He was not happy. One because I lied and to because I was babysitting. I told him I felt like I was in a losing situation. Tell the truth you would be mad. Lie and you would be mad. Needless to say he said some horrible things to me and he said he no longer wants to see me. The hardest part I am dealing with is knowing I could not tell him the truth. Am I dealing with a controlling man or am I crazy?????



  198.  #198Dominique on September 29, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    teresa – You are so not crazy but well out of that situation.

    xxoo



  199.  #199teresa on September 29, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Thank Dominique…..

    As I have spent my day crying and wondering should I handle this differently. I am trying as I have gone back to working with Rori Toxic Men Program and myself.