Feel Good Naked

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Just came across this great article, by Deborah May for Oprah.com – an interview with Laure Redmond who wrote “Feel Good Naked”:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/01/23/o.nude.attitude/index.html

The book, I hope – tells us how to actually DO this – feel good naked (I’ll check it out and let you know) – but it got me thinking.  This should be an easy Tool for us to do right now:

Logically – every study ever done tells us that it’s not about HOW we look, in an objective, culture-eyed way – but about how we FEEL about how we look.

In other words, if we LOVE how we look, we become beautiful, aglow with confidence.  And if we HATE how we look, we carry that feeling as if it’s painted on our body.

So, a man is attracted to us or not attracted to us NOT by any “objective” measure of how we look – even if we think we’re on one extreme or another of “safe middle ground” – but he is attracted to us or not attracted to us through the filter of what WE THINK about how we look.

So – what HE thinks about us is a DIRECT RESULT of what WE think about us.

Now – this is nothing new.  We all know that our self-esteem determines how others perceive us, how they relate to us, how they judge us.  It’s what WE think first, then what everyone else thinks sort of follows suit.

So – why, then, is it so HARD to think highly of ourselves?  I mean – if the logic of it is so simple, what’s to be so hard?

Without going into psychology, let’s just say it’s HABIT.  Okay, so we don’t look like a centerfold.  We’re past some age cut-off line in our own heads. We can’t seem to think of ourselves as “sexy” without feeling embarrassed for ourselves.  We care less and less about the way we look, and give up on making our bodies look and feel better to US, because we somehow either don’t SEE the value of it, or we’re OVERWHELMED by the value of it.

So what?  If it truly doesn’t MATTER – if the BIGGEST thing that matters is how WE feel about how we look – we should be able to MAKE UP ANYTHING we want!

So – let’s make it up!

Take off your clothes.  Stand in front of a mirror (I’m doing this too, right after I write this down.)

Now – put your eyes into “soft focus.”  Go all fuzzy and dreamlike and magical and goddessy with your eyes.

Imagine a soft summer sun shining on your body, putting its light in the greatest places on your curves, your arms and legs, your folds, your everything, and leaving some of you in mysterious shadow.

Now, imagine what it would feel like to love this picture.  To absolutely adore being in this body – no matter WHAT.

That means – shut off any Nasty Voices in your head that aren’t writing love poems to what you see in the mirror.

If you feel embarrassed, or wrong, or silly – that’s great.  See if you can sink BELOW the “silly” and “wrong” and relax your shoulders and your pelvis and FEEL what it would feel like if you just “lived” with the Nasty Voices – but only LISTENED to the Voices that said how gorgeous you were, and how much you wanted to TOUCH you.

I mean – who’s the audience, here?  If WE’RE the only ones that truly matter, if OUR opinions, thoughts feelings are the MAJOR players here – who’s in CHARGE?!

Who gets to DECIDE THE TRUTH!

It’s well known that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  It’s absolutely true.  You KNOW it’s true.  I know it’s true.  We’ve all seen this over and over and over.  The woman with high self-esteem gets the great man no matter what she looks like to  US – but we think there’s some secret there.  We think there’s got to be something about what she looks like or DOES that we don’t know about that gives her so much confidence and attracts her man so much – but the truth is – she just MADE IT UP!

She just LOVES herself.  She just can’t think of a good enough reason NOT to adore herself.

How about this for a Mantra: Confidence is the fall-back position. (I just made that up.)

In other words – if nothing else makes sense, if there’s no REASON for you having confidence other than what YOU think – then – confidence is the logical choice!

Because no matter what you think is true, the truth is – you’re making it up anyway!  You’ve just been making it up BAD.

So – let’s make this up GOOD.  Let’s make up confidence as the logical, fallback, default position.

Let’s make you being gorgeous JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE – no other reason – the logical, fallback, default position.

You don’t need a reason.  You don’t need reassurance, approval, anyone to say anything, a compliment…anything we’re all looking for to tell us what the total effect of what we look like is.

The total effect of what we look like is BEAUTY – if you say it is.  So…

I SAY IT IS.  Go ahead, say it:  “I’m beautiful.  I’m beauty.  I love my body because it’s mine, and I get to love it, and so I’m loving it…”

Touch your body – softly, slowly, and every time you touch it where it feels good and soft and smooth and YOURS – say it out loud.

I’m going to the mirror right now…let me know how it feels to FEEL GOOD in your own skin.

Love, Rori

41 Comments

  1.  #1Daria on January 25, 2009 at 1:05 am

    I really like this article. I don’t feel like going to look at myself naked right now because it feels a little cold. I do look at myself all the time and I want to practice the soft focus and listening to the Loving voices. And I really like “Confidence is the fallback option.” hehe

    Here’s some dating stuff. I have started dating this guy who is not my type but is “nice,” mostly to practice tools, actually because I want to practice being treated nicely and getting out of my “type” which is bad boys. He is being nice to me and has taken me out to eat and to the movies and is actually financially stable and successful unline other guys I have dated in the past. He is also a martial arts instructor and that is something I really want to do right now and he offered to teach me for free. The thing is he is not my type really, I mean physically he is ok but personality wise I don’t know. He doesn’t seem to have “smoothness” which I like.

    I also feel like he is not really listening to me or who I am but is just dating me because I am pretty and being nice to him.

    This is the part that I don’t like. Perhaps I am projecting on him though? I don’t know. It seems like we don’t have a lot in common and I don’t really feel totally comfortable being “myself” even though he is very gentlemanly. He even wants to take me shopping. I haven’t really been treated like this and I want to enjoy it and really want to go to the martial arts classes. Is this inauthentic?

    Before Rori I would not have accepted a date from him or a second date because he is not my type. But I want to expand my boundaries. I know Rori says to go out even “for the free dinner.” I don’t want to lead a guy on though, and I don’t want to hurt myself by going out with him when I don’t feel like he is interested in “the real me,” which I feel he doesn’t even know yet. Because I don’t feel connected to him.



  2.  #2Daria on January 25, 2009 at 2:35 am

    then again he wants to learn my language and has already memorized 1 through 10 and is teaching me his. that’s sweet.



  3.  #3Daria on January 25, 2009 at 2:44 am

    I really like this post. I’m beautiful. I’m beauty. I love my body because it’s mine and I say it is and I get to love it…
    yay

    I already stood up to this guy when he said ew to my scar and my choice of grooming. I said I love my scar. Hehe. No low self esteem here.



  4.  #4Daria on January 25, 2009 at 3:55 am

    I’m feeling frustrated. I was crying low and high that I wanted someone to help me market my business, at least make some posters for me. No one really came through. I wound up making a poster myself a few days ago. It was creative and although I don’t have callbacks yet everyone I asked liked it.

    Now the guy I went out with tonight saw it too. Now he just asked me for help with making him a poster. I feel mixed feelings because when I wanted help no one helped me. I feel ok about helping him to make his own, and really it would be easy for me to make it for him too, but I don’t want to. Mostly because no one made mine for me. I feel a little bit weird and a little bit selfish too.

    Now I tried to get him to figure out what programs he has or even to show him on webcam and now he’s saying I can show him in person when he comes over when my parents aren’t home. Because I said sometimes I have people over. Except I didn’t invite him. And I told him maybe later on in the future. So now I feel kinda angry and imposed upon. I told him I don’t know I feel weird. He’s like let me know when it’s ok to come over. I said it’s not ok to come right now.

    I feel WEIRD about this poster issue and the imposing issue. I kinda abruptly signed offline and cut our conversation short. I feel like this is a test of my boundaries or something, because it is so coincidental. I mean here I am not knowing how to make posters myself, I try and make one and now someone is asking me to make theirs. So on one hand I feel flattered and happy and on the other hand I feel like NO, I don’t want to be making free posters for other people when I am not receiving help with mine.

    So now I feel guilty. I mean he did offer to teach me martial arts for free. And on the ohter hand I have no problem teaching him to make posters. I don’t just want to do it For him for some reason. I don’t know why, I feel worried that it is bitterness and spite for not having been helped with it myself. Grr. I feel worried but nonetheless I feel proud for standing up for myself and getting offline when I was feeling bad and triggered, even though this seems to be a minor issue and it doesn’t seem “logical” for me to feel this way. I do. So what. Right? I also feel kinda bad. I feel good and bad. Hehe. Hmmm…



  5.  #5Daria on January 25, 2009 at 3:58 am

    I feel worried because I keep feeling like I have to hang on to him to get my free martial arts lessons. And I also feel like I am pushing him away Because he can give me free martial arts lessons and I am self-sabotaging because I don’t feel comfortable receiving. I feel confused.



  6.  #6Daria on January 25, 2009 at 4:16 am

    WRITING AGAIN TO SAY THAT :

    I LOVE this SELFISH PERSON THAT IS so unlike me. I know she IS part of me and I love her. And I am giving myself permission to be SELFISH ha. That is not like the giving me. Except that being unselfish is something I aspire to. So I feel liek sighing, but it feels like a sigh of relief. I want to accept all of me, selfish and unselfish. This is selfish’s time to feel accepted too. Yay. I love you part of me that feels like she does not want to give, for whatever reason. I love you and I am here for you. I hear the voice that says this is the wrong thing to do, that giving will bring you blessings, and I say you are blessed anyway. I love you and want to knwo that. No matter that you have read fairytales where only the good girl who cared for others was rewarded. I love you and I know you are practicing not overfunctioning and I AM HERE TO AFFIRM You and say I love you. I feel the uncomfortableness. I love you! And if someone wants help then dammit they can receive the help you are wililng to give. You are not a Poster Maker. You are a Goddess. Good for you. After all, you are asking the guy to teach you Martial Arts, not beat people up for you. so this is the same. Yeah. Good for you. You don’t make free posters. The universe showed you that men did not make free posters for you, no matter how much you begged. so you know what you learned. Poster making is not free. Even though martial arts may be free for you. You deserve it. You’re a Goddess. It IS OK. It is ok to take more than you give. It is ok. I know it feels weird and scary, and I am here for you. I love you and the fear of being a bad person. Thank you for the fear. Yes the voice says that “other people” would do it and feel happy and proud of it that htey can do it for themselves and now would do it for others and that would bring more good stuff like maybe even people paying them for it. But you know what. Look how that worked when you lent out money to people. You lent money to the greater part of your friends and when you asked your other friend 5 minutes ago to borrow money to pay your bills what did he say. No. I do not pay other people’s bills, I am not here to pay for your mistakes. And were you mad. No. So it is ok. You are learning in an unfamiliar feeling way. Thank you for being good to you. I feel the discomfort. I feel it in my fingertips. That is so cool to feel something in my fingertips. Wow. This is kinda cool stuff. That feels like yawning. I feel intrigued as to where this process will take me. I feel worried I will turn into a selfish person, but you know what, if I do maybe I was one all along, and maybe I’m supposed to be one, and maybe by accepting myself I am doing a service to myself and to everyone. Maybe I will actually be LESS selfish. Hehe. I feel good.

    Oh and I jsut got a call from my younger guy I dated that i kinda overfunctioned a little bit with but now have leaned back. He also needs help, but like a ride to the hospital help. And what was cute was he said he is going to try soem more people around his area first because he does not want me to come so far out if someone closer can take him. That is sweet.

    Oh and the poster guy to his credit did say earlier that if it is hard to make the posters I don’t have to. Well it is easy to do but hard in a different way. So I don’t have to. Good. I feel weird and like smiling crazily while my head is tilting to one side. And now the other. I Feel like similng really BIG. This feels WEIRD and gOOD. heheeee.



  7.  #7Kelly on January 25, 2009 at 9:16 am

    I’ve been lurking around here for a few weeks and absorbing all of this amazing new (for me anyway) information that Rori teaches and my life is literally transforming before my eyes… I feel so grateful for what you all share here in the comments section too.
    I’m beginning to realize how much pressure I’ve been putting on ME for my entire life and how inauthentic I’ve been, especially in my relationships with men. You wrote something in your last comment post Daria that touched me deeply… you said, “You are not a Poster Maker. You are a Goddess. Good for you.” YES! You ARE a Goddess and so am I… who cares if my hair doesn’t look perfect or if I don’t feel like listening to someone unload all of their problems… who cares if my car needs to be washed or if my backyard looks like crap because of the freeze that happened last week… Who cares if I don’t have the time or the energy to get everything done on my “to do” list… who cares if I don’t say the “perfect” thing at the “perfect” time… I am a Goddess and I love ALL of me. I don’t have to say I’m sorry, I don’t have to give anyone anything unless I feel like it, it’s not my job to fix you, my job is to LOVE and care for ME first and foremost with compassion and loving kindness because if I’m not filled to the brim then I’ll have nothing left to spill over onto others… and whatever I do give will only be inauthentic because it would be coming from an empty vessel and my intentions wouldn’t be genuine they would be coming from a place of guilt or obligation rather than from a place of TRUE love and compassion.
    I just finished listening to the Modern Siren program and it’s changing my life… and I ordered the “Have the Relationship You Want Heart Connection Toolkit” and I can’t wait to get it. I’ve been practicing circular dating (I had five dates last weekend and two this past week!). I’m amazed at the way I’ve always been with men… leaning forward, shifting the focus off of me and onto them, sitting there nodding my head while they drone on and on about their ex’s, wondering if they like me or if they think I’m pretty… wondering if they are enjoying our conversation or my company… wondering when I should say goodnight and making sure that I don’t hurt their feelings… Geez… ALL wrong. But no more. Were my dates perfect last weekend? No, not at all, but I leaned back, stayed present and aware of my feelings and spoke from that place. Was it comfortable? NO! But I recognized and embraced that feeling and did the things I knew to be right anyway. I have a long way to go but the bottom line is that I AM A GODDESS and that’s all their is to it. I feel like I’ve found “home” here with you all and I thank you for being so vulnerable and transparent and GORGEOUS!

    love,
    Kelly



  8.  #8Kelly on January 25, 2009 at 9:47 am

    I just thought of a mantra to carry with me… to remind myself of who I truly am…

    “I am the glorious Goddess who illumines love and light to all those with whom I come in contact.”

    That feels powerful, that feels genuine, and that feels beautiful 🙂

    xxx ooo



  9.  #9Reshi on January 25, 2009 at 12:34 pm

    I feel angry. I spent the night at a bachelorette party and while I couldn’t be happier for my friend who’s getting married, I’m angry about the course of my own life. This group of girls, they are all gorgeous, happy, sweet women with successful careers and great men in their lives. I feel like a sham and like I don’t really belong in the group and like that’s why I only see this friend once a year, she’d rather hang out with her perfect friends than with me. Her perfect friends who can afford to live across the street from her. Augh. But I did realize one good thing–something relevant to this topic in fact. We’ve all got something going for us physically. We don’t all have the same thing going for us. But, among this lovely group of women, even though I still felt inferior in many ways, I did not feel inferior in terms of looks. That was strange and new (and likely a result of the fact I’ve been doing this particular Rori tool for many months now). It really does carry over. I wonder if it might get me into trouble, if it might get someone to take me down a peg. I’m standing at the CVS pharmacy and feeling like I’m just as gorgeous, and worthy of as great a man, as the women on the covers of the magazines. I feel I have things going for me, physically, that they don’t. But aren’t they supposed to be the standard of beauty, and I’m supposed to aspire to it? F that. I love my soft curves and bountiful breasts, you know, those things they call “flaws.” My breasts aren’t as upright as those of a 20-year-old porn star but put me in a room full of real–beautiful–women my age and I hold up pretty damned well. I have this dark exotic beauty that men don’t get to see every day, I have a great complexion and sexy hair and I know–really know–how to move my body. Whatever. I feel like I’m bragging. But, I’ve always known these things somewhere deep inside myself, I’ve always known that I don’t need to settle for an inferior man. But I also feel hung up on my soon-to-be-ex after he looked at me differently, and I wonder if I’m really telling the truth when I say I’m happier without him, I wonder if I’m just too eager to air my dirty laundry. I feel a little icky and I want to feel like I’m still on the right path. I’ve lost interest in online dating to some extent, I feel it is time for me to raise my standards yet again. No more men who seem “ok.” Only men who really interest me. This will cut down even more on my rotation. 🙁 but I could also meet them in real life, no?

    Blargh. Well, I’m going to a workshop on–wait for it–visioning a love connection for 2009. So hopefully I’ll come out of there with something good. At least a vision board full of yummy-looking men. 😀



  10.  #10Daria on January 25, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    Hey Kelly, thanks for mentioning me I felt super validated! Somehow I missed that post when I read the blog this morning and then I was feeling a little disappointed that I hadn’t gotten any comments on my poster stuff. hehe.

    And then your post magically appeared. After reading it about 10 seconds into it the poster guy messaged me. He said that he made the poster himself and it was easy. (He used the programs I talked to him about). Yay.

    I showed my mom the poster and a family discussion was launched about how I “haven’t been doing anything” and why I “have failed.” I refused to aknowledge I have failed and stood up for myself resonably calmly. I am making my own company and know I will be succesful



  11.  #11Ann on January 26, 2009 at 2:04 am

    Daria congrats on sticking to your feelings and not doing the poster.

    Reshi hope you get everything your want out of the workshop.

    Kelly thanks for sharing that sounds like a great mantra.

    Sometimes I feel like just being heard is a boost for my self esteem.

    Have any of you clicked on the link Rori provide above? I did and reading that interview felt fantastic.

    I stood in front of the mirror topless for about 10 seconds. Of course, the first thing my mind did was go look at the saggy breast, look at the arm flab. But then I remembered one word Rori uses quiet often, I said STOP, look at your neck it still looks young for going on 50 boy I felt the knot in my stomach typing that age whew…Look at your belly. I love my belly, it’s a little pooch. I love the feel of my soft breast when I touch them lightly. That’s a little embrassing to write. I even love that my breast are small, my husband used to say anything over a mouth full is a waste, I have a little bit to waste lol.

    I’m going to try to do this more often because I want to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Rori thank you so much for posting this. How did your mirror exercise go?



  12.  #12Linda on January 26, 2009 at 6:25 am

    I know that this does not belong on this topic.

    I have been getting over a break up from the only man I ever loved. I have put my self out on two dating sites. Trying to get myself out there.

    I have this one fellow that has been emailing and gave me his cell to call if I want. He says he is anxious to hear from me.

    I feel frozen. I did not call him this weekend. I did email but, could not bring myself to call him. My heart just isnt into it. I know calling a guy doesnt mean that you are gonna be making a commitment but it feels scarey.

    I dont feel attracted to him really but that is because I still love someone else. I know he wont be back in my life but my attachment is still there. I dont want to hurt this fellow he is nice. I dont want to be fraudulent with him either.

    I had a dream last nite that about my ex that really was not that big a deal, “he had moved away and started a new life with another woman” .. but that fact that I was so upset about it when I woke up tells me something but I dont know what.

    I think I should call and put myself out in the dating world but I feel nausious and frozen.

    Any Advice, sigh

    Linda



  13.  #13Samat on January 26, 2009 at 8:56 am

    Hi Linda,

    I think you should go through all the articles on this blog and read the comments that go with them. I think that will give you some sort of basis on what rori advises. Also you have to date to practice and receive and you will understand it if you go through the articles. I feel bad and hopeful for you.



  14.  #14Reshi on January 26, 2009 at 5:58 pm

    Linda, don’t call him, give him your number and let him call you. 🙂

    Ann, thanks for the well-wishes. We did a meditation at the workshop and what came out there might as well have been from one of Rori’s programs. It was like, yes, Reshi, the man you’re looking for is out there–but he’s a frozen stone statue. And you can look at him all you want but he’s not going to come to life until you get out there and live YOUR life.

    After that, I came home and my dad took us all out to dinner and proceeded to spend the entire evening pushing my buttons. On the way home, I told him I felt angry, and he said something along the lines of “You just NOW figured out that you’re supposed to be angry?” That was pretty funny, I wouldn’t have expected that from a man. And wouldn’t have been able to say that to him pre-Rori.



  15.  #15heartbeat on January 27, 2009 at 12:58 am

    I feel pleased and surprised there are several of us now approaching 50. I feel like I’m lying when I write my age. I feel twenty-something. I feel wise and confident too. I feel younger than I did fifteen years ago and I look much younger too. I’ve noticed recently that it doesn’t feel good to eat junk food any more. I notice some of my clothes don’t feel good any more – ya know, the jeans you hang on to just in case, by some cruel twist of fate, you end up a pauper. OUT, Foul Sweater!



  16.  #16Tracy on January 27, 2009 at 3:54 am

    Linda,
    I feel ur anxiety and confusion.Circular dating when your heart is stil with someone else is really hard..and most times for the first dates the guyz will probably not compareto yours because in essence your heart is not even there…However its the best way of moving foward and it helps you shift your focus from your guy to YOU…that’s the whole idea..
    Letting go of someone u really care about is really hard so for now just move along with him..go out and have fun meet new guyz.You’l probably think of him most of the time but you’l also learn to enjoy urself with other guyz have fun.With time you’l slowly start letting go of the power he has on you then you can be able to decide more clearly what to do with your situation…when he does call or email coz trust me they always do and i can almost bet you he’l even probably try and get you back,you’l be in a better place to decide what to do and say coz you’l be focusing on You and loving You…
    Hugs love don’t give up coz they’re is so much love to receive…



  17.  #17heartbeat on January 27, 2009 at 6:01 am

    Linda I agree with everything Tracy says – just want to add two personal criteria of my own: 1. I feel better doing ANYTHING than staying in feeling sad, and 2. I’m interested in people and finding out more about them.

    So if I lean back, feel curious and don’t focus on meeting the ‘one’ I can have an interesting, enjoyable time. And I decide what’s comfortable for me, which, when I was getting over my ex, was coffee in the day/ early evening or a film.

    I feel sad when you say ‘love of my life’ – hopeless, devastated – and I feel like encouraging you that if I could move on and meet the man I love now, you will find someone too.



  18.  #18Flipper on January 27, 2009 at 6:57 am

    Re being on-line – I definitely remember did a post or 2 specifically about that. Among recommendations were, as Reshi said, let Them do the calling (who wants someone who can’t even do that much of a first step?). I believe she also said to put up your profile and then not go back on, just wait for the men to react and get to you. Especially, not go check out guys who seem appealing to you or contact them. (I guess cuz as soon as we make the first move, the whole dynamic is off and basically, it will probably never work to get us what we really want, long-term.) However, my friends (in the mostly over 50 crowd) who are on-line where I am say, 1) all the men think they’re rare commodities and expect the women to contact them first, and 2) even so, Most of them are married! I do know one couple who met that way, married and have a happy relationship.

    Re circular-dating, I believe Rori also cautioned about worrying over hurting a guy’s feelings or leading him on. Such concern feels like it’s the equivalent of trying to figure your love-interest out, and control the situation and results. Don’t bother. We have quite enough to do and feel and say about Ourselves. Projecting that in authentic ways is the best protection for all around, and it honors the man’s ability to decide for himself when he gets the truth from us.



  19.  #19DocK on January 27, 2009 at 9:21 am

    Well – the “feel good naked” article really hit home.

    I had mentioned here that I (at 48 years old) recently did “nude portraiture.” Well, I now have the proofs and I would love to say that I just took it all in stride knowing that it’s like any other photo shoot – some pix you hate, some are OK and a few are great – but not so much. Problem is, being sans ANYTHING – you don’t have the option of clothing to hide the figure “flaws” (isn’t it funny how guys don’t talk about figure flaws on their bodies?).

    Even with all of my years of working out, I am a curvy girl (like Marilyn Monroe with muscle) so I immediately jumped on how I should have trained harder, dieted more – looked better.

    Then, I stopped myself and, thank goodness, saw this article. As Popeye would say, “I yam what I yam,” and what I am is not a perfect body, but a sexy, full-figured, strong woman who has a doctorate but loves pole dancing. I am a little eccentric but I love life and I have a guy I see who calls me “sunshine” because he thinks I am the brightness in his life.

    I also panicked because I have to show him the pictures and he always tells me that I am physically “perfect” which is hogwash and I felt like he’s going to see all of the imperfections in the photos. For goodness sakes, the guy has seen me nude from every angle – he already knows!!! HA!

    We women – we are so hard on ourselves. I think we are much harder on ourselves in terms of our physical appearance then men are. I know there are a few dolts out there looking for perfection, but most guys know a woman’s body and that we don’t walk around airbrushed with pefect lighting and a soft focus lens camera.

    I read what you beautiful women write – I love the way you sound it out, riff it or whatever and figure it out. I have so much trust in you to find your way and you always do – just as I knew. Your struggles help me, help us all. Thank you for sharing.



  20.  #20Holly Page on January 27, 2009 at 10:24 am

    Rori, I am new to your site and found you because I wrote about the same article yesterday. I don’t think the message that women should feel good about their bodies can be reiterated enough, especially since we’re constantly bombarded with images of unrealistic bodies and expectations in the media. The thing that really gets me is how much time we can lose feeling bad about ourselves, and how much regret we can accumulate when we say things like, “I wish I liked myself more 5 years ago when I was 10lbs lighter.” That could be true for the rest of your life, so start loving your body the way it is now!

    As I’ve gotten older, and learned more about real men, I find that they’re far less judging than we are when it comes to our bodies. Men love women with curves and softness, not women who are embarrassed to show off their stuff.

    Thanks for the great exercise to re-envision our bodies!



  21.  #21Daria on January 27, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    I just tried a mini version of feel-good-NOT-naked. I have some houseclothes, big t-shirts mostly, that I wear for comfort. However when I spot myself in the mirror I feel I look “manly.” I feel very tight in my cheekbones and forehead writing this – it’s a big trigger for me.

    I proceeded to do the exercise (I’m wearing one now) and imagine myself as if I were looking at myself from the outside. I then imagined what it would be like to LOVE myself like this. First as my attention traveled up my arm, it was great. Then as it got to the neck of the t-shirt, or envisioning my breasts inside the t-shirt, nasty “voices” or really just feelings because I couldn’t make out actual words, were being triggered. I told them STOP. And continued to feel love for myself. I realized I feel love for my God-sister when she wears big t-shirts. I realized that I feel men are attracted to her when she wears them. I realize that if men were to be attracted to me when I wore them I would feel it is “ok” to love myself this way too. And I decided to love myself this way first. With all the STOPs (I had to use them often, every few seconds) I did love myself for a few seconds at a time. I feel glad to have used this tool this way and will try again. Awesome tool.



  22.  #22Ann on January 27, 2009 at 7:10 pm

    I feel so connected and inspired reading you ladies words.

    Heartbeat I too feel younger than my actual age lol Often act younger too.

    I’m beginning to see that we as woman do judge ourselves harder than men do. A few months ago, a relative commented on what I see as one of my flaws in front of a guy(younger) friend. We often flirt with each other. I didn’t respond to the relative but my daughter was there and read my face. She mouth something to me I couldn’t understand so when we left I asked her what she’d said. To me what she said was profound…

    She said “Don’t go there, don’t take in what she said. He see’s you all the time. He’s seen that so called flaw-it doesn’t bother him. Don’t let it bother you.”

    Guess what she was right I insistly felt better. I’m loving this feel good nake exercise. I’ve stood topless the last two night and loved my body. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and if I can feel comfortable nake, I’ll feel comfortable clothed.

    Btw I’m also on the lookout for a new pair of jeans that fit my butt the way I WANT them to.



  23.  #23Linda on January 27, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    Thank you ladies for your comments and advice. I found it very helpful !… I just wanted to give an update……

    I finally did call. The only reason I did was because I did not want him to have my number in case he turned out to be a creaper!. And I felt that I needed to have this bit of control. He intiated the desire to talk to me saying he was anxious to hear my voice. So, after I overcame my fear… I made the choice to get over it and just do it. Following an invitation from him, it actually felt good for me to do it that way after all. I felt empowered and it was a good energy for me.

    As it turns out we did have a very good conversation and I was actually partially encouraged by lots of things he said. I even laughed with him…I was surprised at myself. I was leaned back and did the listening. I shared very little actually, I could barely get a word in, but that was okay I wanted to learn what I could. He even said I was the first woman that he has even talked to since being on the dating site that intrigued him and he commented on my ability to have an intelligent conversation. Well, I knew that about me all along, glad he noticed! even better he commented on it LOL

    So after the intial contact, I made the decision to not call him again or intiate contact at all. I dont want to lean forward. I am practicing my new tools to see what kind of results I get. He called me this afternoon and asked me out to dinner or lunch or breakfast my choice…. so I will make one, and asked if it was okay if he called me tomorrow? Oh.. he threw in..”I am issuing you the invitation to call me anytime you would like”. I think I will just feel that one out and hold

    Well, ladies I made it over my first speed bump. My first potential circular date. whooo hooo (I think) Yeah for me, thanks for your help, you are all so great. Oh and I will officially be a member of the 50 club next month, part of me is dismayed where did the time go? but !…. the other part of me is very very proud of who I am and I would not trade that for anything.

    As a side note… I sleep naked now, (I never did that before and I totally love it!) who knew? And after loosing so much weight during my (lost relationship diet) lol I recenlty found that pair of new jeans that fit me! WOW my 19 year old daughter was with me and said “Mom if you dont buy those jeans I am going to have to HURT YOU!” “Those totally look awesome on you!”…. (she is a great cheerleader for me) I smiled and giggled and said to myself in the mirror… “Hey you stupid jerk who dumped me, eat your heart out, look out world here I come” LOL
    ..
    Hugs to you all

    LINDA



  24.  #24Linda on January 27, 2009 at 9:09 pm

    Flipper… thanks so much for your post, there is great advice in there for me. I will do it. The online thing could easily be another avenue for feeling like a reject and Lord knows I dont need that or to go there!. So…. what you said rings true for me. Your’e a keeper!

    THanks again.
    Linda



  25.  #25heartbeat on January 28, 2009 at 12:41 am

    Oh WOW Linda! Well done, I feel so excited reading your comment! I would feel ok calling if a man asked me to online. Men often do this because they think that a woman will not want to giver her number. They’re inviting you to try them out.

    I’ve had very positive experiences online dating. I feel frustrated when I hear put-downs. There are plenty of genuine men. Some of the quality newspapers run their own dating sites. I picked one and there were plenty of men with a similar outlook to me. I went out with one for two years off and on while circular dating.

    I remember feeling amazed at being able to chat online with four lovely men at once – while sat at home with my feet up in my dressing gown with a glass of dry white! I learned very quickly to overcome the rollercoaster feelings and not take some things personally. It’s a great learning curve. And I know people who have met this way and got married.

    And welcome to the Nearly-50 club too lol!!

    Ann – stretch denim is great for my curvy butt 🙂



  26.  #26DocK on January 28, 2009 at 7:50 am

    Kelly – I LOVE your mantra!! Say it again!! Shout it to the world – wherever you are – I can hear you!!!!

    Ann – I LOVED your “topless” exercise. Your breasts are perfect – they’re yours!! I had an ex that loved gigantic breasts and it made me very self conscious of mine (and I am not exactly flat-chested) but I learned to love mine too. I love what your husband said – very cool.

    U.S. is so breast obsessed. A friend had hers “done” and didn’t like the nipple placement. She said they should be in the middle and I said, ‘You mean like smack dab in the middle – like a bullseye?’ Next thing I know I was lookin’ in the mirror at my nipples and thinking they should be somewhere else when I thought they were just fine before. How crazy is that?

    Daria – LOVED the big T-shirt exercise. You feel sexy – you are sexy. What guy DOESN’T love a woman walking around in a T-shirt or his button down shirt – and it’s way too big but just oh so damn sexy!



  27.  #27cookie on January 28, 2009 at 8:51 pm

    So, I was at the gym w my brother pushing the weight lifting machine n smilin n loving my boy self for doing something that made me feel strong n proactive about my weight issues. N when I was on the treadmill I was feeling so good, just loving what I was doing sweat running down my skin n imagining the end result, which I can cuz that’s what my boy self does: handle things n make plans but this morning right b4 I got in the shower I touchd my skin n just noticd how soft my skin is.y I just noticd i don’t



  28.  #28cookie on January 28, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Know but I noticd n said to myself no wonder y the boys can’t keep their hands off me, lol! Nyway my task tomorro is find anothr place on me that I like. Y not, “its my body n I get to love it”



  29.  #29Daria on January 29, 2009 at 2:44 am

    Yay Cookie that sounds awesome! I gave myself a bath a manicure and pedicure today. I felt really pampered and good even though I did it myself. I use to think my “boy self” wouldn’t really go along with it, but this time I enjoyed it. I’m really starting to enjoy it and it feels like Godesses at the temple… very natural and pretty and well godessy…

    it feels like powerful magic and mystery and secret natural beauty…. oh I really like it

    I also practiced loving my face in the mirror, and going eyes to soft focus and opening my heart towards my image…



  30.  #30Cookie on January 29, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    hi, daria, so i was really interested in what you just wrote about loving your face in the mirror. Cuz see all my life, I feel like men have loved my body (when I was fit) because I had the meanest sexiest walk any man has ever seen, but then they didn’t really respond to my face. When I see my face, I think that i’m attractive looking, like even beautiful sometimes. But then I’m like why don’t men like my face but i’m thinking that’s it me, that I told myself that they didn’t like my face because some where inside me, I didn’t love it. Like I was picking it apart counting pimples and flaws and not seeing its overall beauty. But I want to know how do you do this exercise, like how are you learning to love your face. Do tell.



  31.  #31Cookie on January 29, 2009 at 9:51 pm

    you know what i subconsciously followed my plan to love another part of me today. I forgot it was my plan but instinctively i was walking down the street today looking awful in leggings and big t shirt, dirty boots, looking like a straight up bum. But as I was walking, I felt so amazing, like I was in sexy clothes, and I was smiling and thanking people and i caught a reflection of my legs in these leggings in the side of somebody’s car. And I said to myself out loud a little even, I was like damn you have some thick legs, some sexy thick thighs, that been with me all my life, even as a baby, I have something that a lot of women don’t have, I have thick thighs and I love them. It was the most random thought I’ve had in a long time but you know what it felt damn good. Rather than beating myself up about some shit I can’t control. I enjoyed that moment of walking to work with my thick legs. I forgot about that feeling until now, when i was reading over my post from yesterday and what daria said. I should be following more of these feelings all day, maybe I can avoid some of these migraines I been having.



  32.  #32alias girl on January 29, 2009 at 10:37 pm

    i feel happy and uplifted reading daria and cookie’s exchange. i am really smiling. giggling even. i think i may take a bath right now. aaaahhhh that sounds good. i Love being a girl. i didn’t quite get into it when i was younger i was too busy just trying to freaking survive and be tough and protected. but being a girl is soooooooooooo much fun. and i can sort of jump into boy sometimes and then ahhhhhh go back to being a lovely soft self pampering, interested in how things look and feel and taste and smell— Girl.



  33.  #33Daria on January 30, 2009 at 1:10 am

    Hi Cookie,

    I’ve been doing it the same way Love Your Body is. Except I look at my face in the mirror, and if I soft focus I dont really see it clearly… I take my attention to my chest, as If I’m looking from my heart, which feels kinda like a little kid heart, open and it feels happy or sad… and I say STOP whenever I feel a judgement and move back to looking through my heart… I’m only getting a few seconds in, I think that is enough though it has reverb effects…



  34.  #34Ann on February 2, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    Hello ladies, I’ve been without power since the evening of Jan 27th. That FELT yucky!. But I also did something that felt a little silly. I was telling my daughter last night about this post and how I’d been standing in front of the mirror topless till the lights went out. And she said well do it in the daylight then. I did today, we got lights back tonight about a hour ago. I feel SOOOO happy. Glad to be back.



  35.  #35Linda on February 2, 2009 at 9:45 pm

    What am I doing up. I should be in bed!..

    I came back to this post because you all helped me so much. The guy I mentioned ealier… well we talked a few more times and met a couple. He is a nice guy but all he talked about was his kids and what his soon to be exwife was doing to him and them…. blah blah blah.

    He told me so much about what the big picture would our might me if we were an item that I was totally turned off by him.What woman would want a man 6 years older than her (at my age that is a big deal LOL), two wounded kids that dont want anything to do with their mom and a man who was moving to a house his Dad gave him because he was going to be broke after the divorce was final. UMMMM NOT ME! I guess in my leaning back and listening, I heard loud and clear….RUN.. RUN FAST as you can! I learned some things about myself. I learned by what he did what not to do on my end. “Spill your guts” Oh such an ugly thing!

    I learned I have made progress. First, I am no longer feeling desperate for a relationship. I must be attracted to the man and on that I was not going to budge. I entertained the thought but no way…. That I have some goals and a way I want to be connected to a man is a must and I that I am not willing to compromise on. OHHH the most important thing… NOT TO LIVE IN MY HEAD but follow my intuition and heart. That is the seat of peace within me. So.. all in all I will chalk it up to a good experience.

    I feel a bit bad that he seemed so interested in me..and I was not able to return the same sentiment. He just kept calling me, he just had an annoying edge that he called honesty, but left me feeling cold and ick! The good side? he sorta make me feel good because was obviously taken with me. I just had to let him know that I just did not feel the connection with him that I am looking for. IT FELT SO GOOD TO HAVE THE COURAGE TO SAY THAT! Maybe now I can sleep.

    Linda



  36.  #36Vaginal Surgery on August 25, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    Rori,
    Thanks for sharing this article. I have worked with hundreds of women who don’t feel good about their vagina following vaginal delivery. Women who feel loose following childbirth should know that they have options. We all deserve to feel great and sexy. Thanks…Vanessa



  37.  #37Uschi on September 7, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    I have always felt that there is something special out there for me and that someday I see it – I am still waiting but what is written above about looking at yourself naked – maybe that would be part of it – I just always thought that the “special” comes from somewhere – maybe its been there all along – though I have not felt it or thought about it or tried what Rori said to do. Maybe I am just to critical cause in my mind I am still a young fresh girl and when I look into the mirror well I see the real me and I just don’t want to deal with that reality. Cause the real me shows the disappointments and everything in the face and the body that had 3 children and has not worked out recently



  38.  #38Jeanie on September 12, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    This is so valuable to women! I know that as a child, I was never told I was pretty, and received no physical affection and very little verbal affirmation, and it left me with low self-esteem. As a result, I ended up in a verbally/emotionally abusive marriage, because I was convinced I was not worthy of better. I’ve come around to seeing that there is no truth to that idea. I have good friends who affirm my value constantly, and I have received feedback that tells me I *am* a desirable, attractive woman, and I now choose to embrace it. I wish this for every woman. I am single now, and have tried a few relationships, but won’t settle for being abused as I did in the past. Yes, I do still make mistakes and get my feelings hurt…but I learn from them, and never get “down” on myself now, never let a man’s rejection of me affect my self regard. I love who I am, flaws and all, and anyone who does not appreciate me is missing out on a really fantastic woman. That’s how I feel, 98% of the time. I wish it could be 100%, but I do have a genetic/chemical predisposition to major depression, my ongoing battle. Still, it no longer ruins my life. I feel that, even though I am not in a “successful relationship” right now, that I am a “success story” because I am at peace and happy with who I am.



  39.  #39Rori Raye on September 13, 2010 at 10:47 pm

    Jeanie, Welcome – and you sound AMAZING!! so glad you told us your story…and look forward to hearing of your great experiences now…Love, Rori



  40.  #40Lets Say....... on January 19, 2013 at 10:38 am

    Your feeling all good and even though your(my) body is not perfect, a couple of extra pounds and you find a man that your very interested in. You have been chatting via phone, text, emails everything is going great. Its time to meet and he doesn’t want you just because of the extra weight. How do you get over it after you just pumped yourself up to tell yourself how beautiful all those curves are?

    MaryAnn



  41.  #41Rori Raye on January 19, 2013 at 7:18 pm

    Let’s Say….All this experience means is that he isn’t for you. Not every man is attracted to every woman. And not every woman is attracted to every man….would you say that’s true for you, too? You don’t have to pump yourself up – you just have to unconditionally accept whatever shows up – even if you don’t “like it.” Your curves are going to be mesmerizing for most men, and definitely for the many men who are “for you.” Love, Rori