Feel It…Don’t ACT From It…

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blacklabyrinthWhat propels you?

I totally get “anxiety”- just from being in Manhattan these two weeks.

There’s so much going on outside your apartment window – it’s hard not to feel a sense of “urgency” about nearly everything .

It’s hard not to pick up “vibes” from everyone else and feel them, and think they’re yours.

It scrambles with your head – and it makes you want to “fix” instead of “be.”

That’s why, for me, NYC is the ultimate “Circular Dating” platform.

I also have to say this: For me, most New Yorkers are absolute Zen Masters.

They should be fraught with anxiety, buzzing, all shallow, all “Listening To Myself”ers, all focused on themselves…

…and they’re not.

Least not the ones I’ve seen in the markets, on the streets, driving Uber cars…

Tourists – we’re different. Our energy is bustling, on the move.

And the locals – they’re …well, smooth…

They seem calm.

In the middle of all this electricity in the air, so many people, so many thoughts, cars, sounds, fumes, constant movement, and the complexity of getting their groceries home each night after work…they smile at me, offer their discount cards at the market and drug store, ask me if I’m lost, take very good care of their dogs (and leave NO poop on the sidewalk – totally amazing).

They play in the park, they stroll their kids, they seem to have a very guru-like concept of time.

Whereas I, a NY newbie, am catapulted by the inconveniences, the never-ending walking, the lure of every bright thing (art museums, shows, shops…) into a state of constant alertness.

My breathing has never needed to be so monitored by me. My mindfulness has never needed to be so practiced.

And yet, the NYers I’ve encountered have seemed to breathe and be fairly mindful on a regular basis.

I’m wondering if it has to do with Surrender.

You have to let others drive. You have to accept the crowds. You have to accept the noise, fumes, movement.

You have to find yourself, and be yourself in the midst of a never-ending party “out there” on the streets.

You have to Surrender to What Is. To the City.

You can’t “hole up” inside your head and pretend it isn’t out there and around you – it’s insistent.

You have to “go with it.”

You have to find your own passions, love everything, and trust in THAT – in the midst of everything that’s going on around you.

Every person I met inside a bank or a store was kind, gentle, grounded, helpful…

Every vendor I met looked me straight in the eye and calmed me down rather than revving me up.

The day I left my backpack on a bus (I got it back!) – the stream of people helping me through the entire journey was staggering. They helped me navigate through the park to a destination, to find a bus line dispatcher. He was incredibly kind and easy-going, and in 10 minutes, my backpack was hand delivered to me.

In Los Angeles, I would have been mired on the phone for a very long time.

New York has a sense of community – and instead of pushing each other into discomfort, it feels like everyone has discovered that settling down helps everything.

The speed of the City seems to actually slow people down in the moment.

So – in two weeks, I learned to:

Feel the energy, and not act on it.

Not let the energy that, in my mind and constitution says “DO!!!!!” and screams “DO IT NOW!!!” lead me, compel me, take charge.

Instead…I had to learn to feel WAY more than I’m used to.

Tolerate WAY more energy, action, movement, vibes, options, thoughts, ideas, input – on a constant basis – than ever before.

For me, it’s like being at a major business and networking conference:

An entire curriculum and schedule of activities, never-ending, all day and night long. Where I feel buzzed and urgent, and where so much that is not really necessary at all – SEEMS necessary.

Where my internal clock goes haywire and my internal compass goes haywire, and my sense of myself becomes murky.

Where I WANT so much, and don’t even understand where that “wanting” is coming from.

Where my sense of relationship to other people goes haywire, and I fall back into old patterns of wanting to “please,” to “be liked,” to “be safe.”

For the women I worked with at my Siren Salon in my very warm NY apartment, this plays out in so many ways on dates, every time they meet a man – just like women I work with everywhere!

Only, in New York – you get to PRACTICE non-stop, every day!

You get to Circular Date and practice the tools on SO many people, all day long. There is no “quiet alone time,” unless you choose to barricade yourself inside your apartment.

All you need to do to Circular Date is walk downstairs to the street.

There are drugstores and vendors, people walking, doormen, shops open late, bars and restaurants, meetings, lectures – just out the door and a subway, bus or cab ride away.

You get to practice FEELING and NOT DOING as much as you can.

I would call it a crash-course.

An immersion class.

Practicing Feeling, Expressing and Surrendering.

Allowing all the energy IN, without trying to close it off or sift through it.

Allowing yourself to expand to let it all in.

And simply walking into the movement, energy, feelings, constant triggers – and practicing doing nothing.

I know many NYers would not agree with me – and that, all over the world you have circumstances of the communities you live in that create all kinds of turmoil AND opportunities.

The key for me is this: If the constant energy makes it challenging to be still and go inside yourself – you can’t find yourself, and so you feel lonely.

The moment you Surrender to the turmoil around you – and fall in love with it, wherever you are, whatever’s happening around you – the more surely you make yourself available to love from a man.

The more able you are to speak your truth, to discover who you are and express who you are – and not be swayed and compelled by what’s happening around you and what triggers you – the more love you create around you.

I love New York for this.

Love, Rori



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  1.  #1Femininewoman on May 19, 2014 at 10:06 am

    groan. Sometimes that feels so difficult

  2.  #2Daria on May 19, 2014 at 11:18 am

    this ppost got me sobbing without tears partway through

    i feel so overloaded by other people’s stuff
    dnt there’s EMFs

    and i feel shaky and like im battling and battling

    i feel sadddddddddddddd

    im amazed at how my behavior continues on with my healthy babysteps throug this


  3.  #3Daria on May 19, 2014 at 11:22 am

    i have fantasiez of battling and fighting and the old ways of doing things

    and some people’s energy pulls me into it

    and i feel the energy so powerfully it seems

    it seems me… doesn’t want anything from m e rally

    and others do

    and i can get so committed feeling to doing for them

    and def thinking of them

    and ehere i come with my magnificent tools

    especially one i practiced with Ella Capatina when she was my coach

    of visualizing myself going into the what doesnt feel good and then rebounding again into what feels good



    my dad just called he wants something

    its to help us take care of some stuff

    iw ill do it

    i feel sad and i feel drained

    and im resting my hands on the emf laptop so i bet thats why


    soon i will eat

  4.  #4Daria on May 19, 2014 at 11:22 am

    high fat food to heal myself

    and my mood will soar

    and i will take a walk with my mom making it even better

    nd thebn tonite im going to my first Haitian Dance

    wee 🙂

  5.  #5Daria on May 19, 2014 at 11:25 am

    im practicing not Acting from it in my thoughts either, im so powerful and magnetic

    and i want to feel gooooood 🙂

    that smile made me feel sick to ptu up there in my tummy

    i love my sick feeling

    i love my smile


  6.  #6Miss Bells on May 19, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    This post makes me miss NYC. It’s been awhile since I’ve visited the mothership…

  7.  #7Zia on May 19, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    So I love this. M and I have been seeing each other 4 months now. Before him, I’ve never trusted a man to have his space, his alone time, his time away. In the past, it would trigger my insecurities and I’d lean forward to try and find out if anything was wrong, what was going on with him, what I could do to make him come to me.

    I do have a bit of a question here – for those of you who have (like me) had to work really hard to lean back and not try and control/fix/mother a man, do you ever worry that by leaning back he might see it as uncaring (if you suspect something might be bothering him)? How do you overcome this? My feeling would be to perhaps just inquire once (is there anything going on i should know about?) and then listen and accept whatever the answer is? Or just lean back and give him his space and trust that if something is bothering him and he wants your support/help that he will come to you with it?

  8.  #8Tereana on May 19, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    Hi, Miss Bells!

  9.  #9Tereana on May 19, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Mandy – responding to your Q from the last thread – the friend I had as a kid always had involuntary movements/sounds. It was more of a sound, and less like a word (I know there is a stereotype about Tourette’s that people who have it spew profanity randomly, but with him, it was just vocal noise, like a “hmp.” No words)

    I didn’t notice anything odd on the “date,” actually, but only because by then I was totally used to it. I literally grew up knowing this guy since I was very young. So I probably wouldn’t be the right person to ask, since it did not come as a surprise to me.

    What I can say is that, if I didn’t know anything about it, I would have liked for a guy to talk about it with me, rather than to just let it happen. Because of course I’m going to notice. And at this point in my life, I might just be the brazen girl who asks. But maybe not everyone would. I went on a date with a guy who had CP, who didn’t mention it before the date. He didn’t bring it up during the date, either, but I asked about it. As in, I noticed something was up and I asked him about it. I would have preferred if he had come right out at some point and just told me – either before or soon after we met. It came across to me as a kind of mild deception. Which was his character and not yours.

    I think it’s great that you have a sense of humor, and you seek out others who do, also. I think that is good for all kinds of relationships. And reminds me that I need that, too! I definitely get more stale and cranky when I haven’t had the chance to just relax and laugh with someone in a while. And Tourette’s, among other things, is certainly a reminder that we do not have control over everything…

  10.  #10Tereana on May 19, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    CP = Cerebral palsy

  11.  #11Tereana on May 19, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    Now for the ongoing saga of the mysterious H.

    I still remember when I was sitting on the beach, just thinking about the man I might meet, when suddenly I looked to my left and there was this man walking toward me. I had the sense that he was there just for me. But he didn’t talk to me. Lol.

    So what did I do? I went swimming in the water, then walked up to him, directly and asked if he wanted to come sit with me. Of course he did. Lol

    And the rest is history. Sort of.

    Well, not too much happened. A few awkward dates. Many more awkward moments. Him not really moving forward, but always alluding to wanting kids and a good mom for his kids. Not really being clear on his intentions or if or how much he cared about me.

    He did ask my advice on something a few months ago, which is why I checked in on him to see how it turned out. So we’ve been chatting. And of course things go back into how good it was to kiss, etc.

    Last night I asked what he was looking for, and he said “no drama.” (Which, I did not point out, is not really a thing, it’s an absence of an experience. But anyway). I consider that a HUGE red flag. Anyone who says “no drama” is basically holding up a huge neon sign above their heads that they can’t see, which says “Drama here!!!” and a big arrow pointing down at them.

    So joked about it – BYO drama. He brings enough drama for two. It was funny to laugh about it, but it still made me uncomfortable. I was feeling light-hearted, though, until he asked me to send him a picture. And I hedged, but then I decided to exercise the thing where you give a man what he wants, when he wants it, rather than be “difficult.” But then I just felt weird and uncomfortable. He didn’t even say “Thank you” or “You look beautiful” or ANYTHING just radio silence. So then I asked what was up.

    And we got into more of a discussion. I told him how awkward I felt. Finally, I just said, “hey, if it was going to work out, it would have by now. You would have made that happen. But it’s okay. I’m fine” (paraphrased). Then he said – and this was the best:

    “Now I realize the value of what I had.”

    That is a DIRECT quote. And I hope I am not being totally self-centered about this, but that was just SO satisfying to read. I mean, not even because I feel slightly powerful, but because of the VALUE. That I feel recognized for being VALUABLE. Either in my absence or presence. That I was always of value. He didn’t value me then. He’s not exactly valuing me now. And he doesn’t HAVE me. But I still have value.

    I’m a drink to that.

    Wine, baby ; )


  12.  #12Azure Blu on May 19, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Boy!!! How totally affirming to all of the work you have done!!!
    It’s the classic Rori answer she always writes and talks about!!!
    Ahhhh… and I LOVE how you took it in context:
    How what he said
    Sooo cooolll.
    “Either in my absence or presence. That I was always of value. He didn’t value me then. He’s not exactly valuing me now. And he doesn’t HAVE me. But I still have value. ”

    Chinck ~ Toast to YOU!!

  13.  #13Azure Blu on May 19, 2014 at 7:17 pm

    You are sooo vulnerable…
    I feel so moved when I read your riffs
    It gives me courage to riff…
    I love my shame
    I love that I hate my shame
    I want to beat up my shame
    I want to fight with my shame
    I can’t find me…
    Where are yOU?

  14.  #14Azure Blu on May 19, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Tereana 271 from last post


  15.  #15Azure Blu on May 19, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Tereana 11..
    I don’t know if it was clear …
    What HE said to YOU was what I thought was sooo coool…
    ““Now I realize the value of what I had.”

  16.  #16Zia on May 20, 2014 at 12:20 am

    I feel grateful that I am being triggered, which is allowing me to deal with my insecurities in a different and healthier way. I feel grateful that I am with a man who shows me what it is like to feel safe and secure.

  17.  #17sweet goddess on May 20, 2014 at 12:48 am

    wow ! what a vast sea of emotions this post stirs in me ! I feel every word of what Rori says here and every feeling of overwhelm and urgency this “outside stuff” invokes in us … keeping my own peace close to my heart through it all …no matter what happens on the outside…. ahhh … 🙂

  18.  #18Kyla on May 20, 2014 at 7:26 am

    Oooh this post makes my insides say no thank you! I’m just back from a long wkd in the deep wilderness! I feel so happy in nature, far away from the city, the car horns, the concrete, the stores full of souless products and the 24/7 busyness. I feel calm, joyfu and alive! I walked through the forest listening to the birds signing, watching the butterflies and noticing all the new growth and wild flowers emerging. I gazed at the starlit night sky unobscured by any artificial lights. I cuddled with my lover in front of the fire at night. I clung onto him as he rode the ATV through the trails and threw my head back and squealed with delight as we flew over ridges. When I wanted to walk through the forest by myself he worried after only 5 minutes of me leaving that I would get lost or encounter a bear and came losearching for me, grabbed me close and apologized for tracking me down, gave mea whistle and aknife and made me promise to check in at a certain time so he didn’t have another heart attack 🙂 I felt so protected and safe.

    I found my Greenman that also wants to build an off the grid, self sufficient paradise in nature as much as I want to! I can’t believe how lucky I am. We spent the wkd setting up our camp on 200 acres of private forest and have started our build. He took charge, delegated tasks, showed me his plans, asked my opinion, surprised me by clearing a garden area and gave me free reign to do what I want with the camp. He’s also going to build me a barn shaped cabin, paint it red with white Z door (just like I imagined) and put my name on the entrance sign:) I feel like the happiest, luckiest, most cherished girl in the universe!

    So no thank you to the City and zen-like people in the midst of chaos. I’m building the life I want and its living with my Mother Earth and her infinite beauty and wisdom.

  19.  #19Kyla on May 20, 2014 at 7:29 am

    I’m so out of touch with the blog and need to catch up with you all later so for now happy Tuesday! Love and magic xoxoxo

  20.  #20Kyla on May 20, 2014 at 7:39 am

    Oh the one thing I really wanted to share was a break through I had last week that I was working with over the weekend and that’s that most of my feelings of resentment, insecurity, disatisfaction, depression, fear and procrastination all stem from deep shame. I worked with shame, loving my shame and loving me for all my shame for the last week and the healing has been immense. I had joyful tears spring from my eyes at unexpected moments, my body softening and grounding and my heart cracked open so wide that it still feels raw and exposed and vulnerable. I’m loving my shame, the feelings of shame for ever believing that I don’t deserve, that I’m wrong, not good enough, dirty, bad, stupid, ugly, unworthy, unimportant, small, insignificant, helpless, unforgiven. My greatest, most loving teacher is shame, it is leading me back to the truth that there is only endless love. The only thing that gets in my way is me and my repression of shame. I’m feeling it down to my toes and its washing me clean.

  21.  #21Dominique on May 20, 2014 at 7:47 am

    Tereana – 11- I LOVE this. YAY you!!!


  22.  #22Dominique on May 20, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Zia – 16 – I feel so thrilled for you.

    Much love to you.


  23.  #23Dominique on May 20, 2014 at 7:51 am

    Kyla – You’re awesome!!! Your growth in such a short time is awe inspiring.


  24.  #24Veronica on May 20, 2014 at 8:05 am

    From the previous thread:

    Indigo – 255 – Oh no, going off a cliff is no good. And you are soooo much more worth than that. D is for danger-zone, as long as it’s like this. Your script to him is really good – I’ve mentally filed it for if a situation like that happens again. Yeah, there is such power in saying: I want to be with you, but not like this, so no to this.
    You’re worth way way more.

    Azure Blu – 251 – Thank you for sharing, it is so difficult to know how to be there for someone when they’re going through something difficult. And you survived and you’re here on this blog : )

    I know this blog is for feeling-based work/exploration but I am REALLY wanting to know about this curriculum – maybe a link so that we’re not too into our heads?

    I am touched that my words have helped in some way, that feels good and encouraging – I’m so used to having not much of a response to what I say that my reflecting on what I’ve said and my understanding of having a certain responsibility for what I say has been limited. In a way having my words out there and listening to another person’s understanding of them helps me to see me more clearly as well as them. Thank you so much for this xoxo

    Zara – 272 – Your timing is brilliant : ) I’ve been holding off from actively CDing sensing that something was missing and tired of feeling trepidation at the idea of being out there again. I feel excited and also understand attraction and connection a lot better. I wanted to be in a good place when I step out into dating again. Thank you and thanks to Rori.

  25.  #25Veronica on May 20, 2014 at 8:11 am

    Tereana – 11 – The impression I got from reading your post was : wow Tereana trusts herself so much, I’m so glad I got to read this. Inspiring. Especially the part about you having always been valuable and that he just couldn’t see it.

  26.  #26Azure Blu on May 20, 2014 at 8:32 am

    Veronica #24
    I’m not understanding…
    I’m curious
    What do you mean by “know about this curriculum?

    “I know this blog is for feeling-based work/exploration but I am REALLY wanting to know about this curriculum – maybe a link so that we’re not too into our heads?”

  27.  #27prplpsn28 on May 20, 2014 at 8:48 am


  28.  #28Veronica on May 20, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Azure Blu – I was referring to the world renowned curriculum for preschoolers that you mentioned.

  29.  #29Femininewoman on May 20, 2014 at 9:43 am

    From Rori’s email:-

    “If a man looks at you, bewildered (or even judgmental) and asks why you “don’t get in touch” – just say the truth!!

    (Try this only one line at a time – however you’re feeling it – instead of trying to fit it all in…):

    “I’ve discovered that the only way to discover if a man actually likes me is by the interest he shows…

    …and with all the mistakes I’ve made up to now, I’ve also discovered that initiating or reaching out to men usually attracts men who aren’t very…well, manly…

    …and I hope that if I pick up the phone and respond when you call, or return your calls (***Note From Rori: You should ALWAYS respond to calls!! Don’t play games about it!), and say yes to dates with you – that you’ll know that’s me demonstrating that I like you and want to spend time with you, and get to know you better, and that I’m open to seeing what happens…

    …and it just feels terrible to be chasing after a man in any way.”

    If you’re finding yourself in this situation (and you will – a LOT…) –

    DON’T CAVE!!!

    Don’t let a man “tell” you how to behave. Don’t let a man dictate your behavior”

  30.  #30LoveAlways on May 20, 2014 at 11:15 am

    “All you need to do to Circular Date is walk downstairs to the street.”

    I totally co-sign this! Love it!

  31.  #31LoveAlways on May 20, 2014 at 11:17 am

    OMG Daria . . . I want to hug you when you riff, but I so LOVE your riffing. Poetry, raw, feeling, truth, flow.

  32.  #32Liquid Light on May 20, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    OMG just had second phone interview at a job that I really want. I think it went well overall but I stumbled a few times – she really threw me off with a couple questions. So we’ll see….fingers are crossed!

  33.  #33Liquid Light on May 20, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Woohooo Kyla 18…so so happy for you, girl! You are such an inspiration!!!

  34.  #34Indigo on May 20, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    Thank you, dearest Veronica

    I like this: “D is for danger zone, as long as it’s like this”

    I’m glad you like my script, I do too 🙂


  35.  #35Andrea on May 20, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    So I’ve had a break through this week. I heard a live interview with Patty Contenta and Jonathan Aslay.
    He was talking about how we attract men with our energy, we can have scattered, angry energy by telling ourselves all of the bad experiences we have with men and dating, or, he said, we can change our outlook, change our stories, and raise our energy so that men only hear a symphonic orchestra when they are in our presence.

    hahah… loved that. I was thinking about this urgent feeling I get to fall back into my old patterns of calling a man, checking on him, prompting him to “remember” I exist. I had to tell myself I need a new mantra.

    I only date men (or give time, thought, and energy to men) who Call Me, Compliment Me, and Put Effort into Asking ME Out.

    It struck me that there are a few men who do that on a regular basis. The three men that I’m thinking about I am not particularly attracted to. They each have annoying quirks that I don’t like. I’m only now getting brave enough to live in the moment and voice how I feel when the annoying things come up. I’m just getting authentic enough to voice these things in the moment without worrying that these men will cease to ask me out anymore. It’s good practice for me to continue taking their calls, continue being authentic in the moment, enjoy what I enjoy, voice what I don’t enjoy with feeling messages….

    And give no time, thought, effort, concern, or energy to any of the other men who are in my periphery who are NOT asking me out.

    Then as Jon Aslay was saying, “If you find that you are not attracting the kind of men who show up the way that want them to show up… you need to tweak YOUR vibration, so that you start to attract a higher quality man.”

    But I don’t need to turn down the men who ARE doing it right.

    A man asked me out last week. He compliments me. He calls. He makes the plans. But he also talks too much. He jabbers on and on and about the “good old days.”

    He called yesterday. I ignored his call. It went to voice mail. He just wanted to chat. Today I called him back and said, “I would feel great if you had called me yesterday to ask me out but I don’t have time to chat on the phone this afternoon.”

    He said, “Oh yes. Would you like to go out on Friday.”

    I said, “Yes.”

    So now I’m going to be ready to be authentic and gentle and let him know when he’s talking so much that I’m just absolutely bored. And then, if he doesn’t want to ask me out again, that’s okay. But this is good practice. And I’m going to continue to say yes to men who really are trying to make me happy. And NO to thinking about men who simply aren’t.

    I have faith that soon I will have a horseback full of CDers who make me really happy, and soon, The One who I can start a true relationship with.

  36.  #36redbutterfly on May 20, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Tereana – I loved your post! That is exactly what is supposed to happen, men don’t realize what they had until it’s gone. Made me smile and feel happy for you!

  37.  #37Indigo on May 20, 2014 at 1:02 pm


    I feel you! No to a bustling city. I work in a bustling city, though the people in it do not tend to be very Zen-like, more like loud and vibrant and all over the place.

    Even so, it’s a big reason why I’m leaving my job. I can’t be around so many people packed into one space all day, Zen or not, it’s too overstimulating.

    I feel very smiley reading your description of ninja building your eco-friendly home 🙂

  38.  #38redbutterfly on May 20, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    I had a wonderful weekend with Widower last weekend. We went to Atlantic City for my brother’s wedding and he took everything that was thrown at him with a smile. My mom’s anxiety about flying to the point where she had a panic attack-check! He took her to the airport bar and got her drunk. Dealing with my mom, my sister, my daughter and I all being crabby and tired-check! He stopped and got us redbulls. My daughter bursting into tears because she was tired and got the change at dunkin donuts wrong-check! He gave her a big hug and told her it was all ok. He took my sister and I out that evening and bought us drinks and my sister and I had some deep conversations about things we have never talked about and at the end we were both crying and hugging(and drunk) and he was sitting there grinning like he faciliated it all! Then he dealt with the wedding, the partying, the moodiness, the tiredness, the guy that hit on me, pretty much everything with a smile. He is a keeper even if he has widower issues. That is all I can fault him for. I am soooooo lucky! My daughter nicknamed him “Happy, Peppy, Puppy John” because he just wants to be fed and petted and he loves everyone like a puppy.

  39.  #39Olivia on May 20, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    From a NYC girl – thank you Rori! I thought this was gonna be a NYC bashing moment. We have so many awesome funny helpful kind considerable wise people of all races ages and gender expressions to practice on! Yay to serenity in the face of this fantastical absurd bustling place I call home. 🙂

  40.  #40Liquid Light on May 20, 2014 at 1:28 pm


    “If you find that you are not attracting the kind of men who show up the way that want them to show up… you need to tweak YOUR vibration, so that you start to attract a higher quality man.”

    I really like this, so interesting, thanks for posting. Great food for thought! Hmmmm…

  41.  #41Azure Blu on May 20, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    I am soo interested to read your post…
    I too have been practicing expressing what I am thinking with a cd whom I dated a few months last year… and he showed up again…
    He is kind, texts and calls on a regular basis…
    takes me to nice restaurants, kayaking, walks and picnics… fun things…
    however, doesn’t compliment me and
    so I will share that I do LOVE to be complimented…
    I shared with him his tendency to complain about many things… he said “really… i didn’t realize I was doing that..” and has been more positive!!
    That makes me happy!!!
    I’d love to compare notes on your practicing…

  42.  #42Azure Blu on May 20, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    Ohhhh… HighScope Educational Research Foundation…
    David Wickert began this approach 50 years ago in with a group of under served preschoolers. It is studied all over the world…
    Glad you asked!!! It is a subject near and dear to my heart!!

  43.  #43Liquid Light on May 20, 2014 at 2:47 pm

    wow redbutterfly, your man sounds fantastic! a keeper for sure! Happy for you!!! Thanks for sharing!!!

  44.  #44Olivia on May 20, 2014 at 4:01 pm

    @ Daria – enjoy your Haitian dance! As a mixed girl, it makes me happy when people are down with hanging with people of different races and backgrounds. You are expansive and open! 🙂

  45.  #45Tereana on May 20, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    Thanks, AB, Dominique, Veronica, and Red Butterfly!

  46.  #46Azure Blu on May 20, 2014 at 7:45 pm

    Kyla #20
    I feel sooo happy for you…
    “My greatest, most loving teacher is shame,
    it is leading me back to the truth that there is only endless love.
    The only thing that gets in my way is me
    and my repression of shame.
    I’m feeling it down to my toes and
    its washing me clean.”

    I don’t know if you read my sharing from last post…
    But I too have been wrestling – trying to LOVE
    MY Shame…
    She is Bullying me…
    There seems to be no release from her…
    I am hoping you can share more of your journey
    Do you have more insights into how
    You are working through this?

  47.  #47Azure Blu on May 20, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    Fingers Crossed Girl!!!

  48.  #48Indigo on May 20, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    Azure Blu 46,

    Do you believe that there is a message in your emotions? I do.

    Have you tried asking your shame what she has to tell you, with an open mind?

    This is just my own belief (because I love what Karla McLaren has written about emotions), but shame, guilt and anger have to do with busted boundaries. Very often if you ask these emotions what their message is, they will point you to instances where your own or other people’s boundaries have been busted. Then you can forgive, and practice mercy for yourself or the other person, and then I find the shame dissipates on its own.

    I’m sorry if this is not helpful, but this is what helps me.

  49.  #49Liquid Light on May 20, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    Thanks Azure!!!! 🙂

  50.  #50Kyla on May 20, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    Azure Blu – don’t know if I’d be good at explaining but I’ll sure try 🙂
    With really difficult emotions that come up I find it easiest to sink in and stop resisting if I find a time when the little girl thats in me was experiencing the world without the ability I have now to reason and understand what’s really going on. Its easier to understand why I felt that emotion at that time and why I repressed it and its so much easier to accept her ‘mistake’, hug her and love her and tell her its ok and then its easier to understand why I do or seek out or attract things now to bring that emotion back up.. because its crying out to be healed and it keeps recreating situations to trigger that healing..
    Um ok so an example would be I have a memory of when I was five I had my hand in my panties and was absent mindedly touching myself and my mom told me not to do that its dirty and gave me a look of disgust. So I explore that. That felt shameful, I felt embarrassed and wrong and hated being caught doing something that I didnt even realise was bad, I hated me, I hated her for looking at me like that, I felt powerless and small, I felt scared she’s tell someone else about my dirtiness, I felt confused and fearful of doing something else unknowingly that was wrong.. lots of shame, guilt, fear and anger there. So I’m feeling shame now and I can remember feeling it then and tell little me that my mom was dealing with it the best way she knew how, its ok I didnt understand, there’s nothing bad or dirty, she meant it was not something that we do in public, she had her own issues to deal with that I’m not aware of, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with doing something that feels comfortable and natural, I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling this shame, I’m sorry I stuffed you in a dark corner and abandoned you there, I’m sorry I’ve neglected you and ignored your tears, I’m sorry I’ve been hurting us over and over again recreating that feeling and stuffing it down deeper, please forgive me, I didn’t know I was hurting you, its ok now, please let me hold you gently, I love you and I’m here now, thank you for being part of me, thank you for giving me this opportunity to take care of you, thank you, I love you… just keeping talking to myself like this.
    I give myself permission to really feel it now and let it surface so I can finally let it out and its not painful or intense like trying to fight it or beat me up more. I don’t want to beat up 5 year old me! I want to hug her and protect her and make her world beautiful and safe. I might cry and shake and groan but I need to allow myself to let it out in a safe way and it feels better, it starts to feel lighter, the feeling is moving and flowing and I feel vulnerable, humble and soft and my heart is pouring out love and it really starts to feel good. While doing this I might spontaneously start to remember other times I felt this way and it flows even more and the feeling gets stronger, not more intense but more beautiful, and the compassion for me gets deeper and there’s so much clarity happening.
    It gets really interesting when I start to notice the payoff of shame too! I might notice that part of me actually enjoys negative attention or part of me likes the thrill of getting away with something bad or part of me seeks out punishment because I like having someone else to blame, a part of me that likes being bad just for the experience of it or a powerless part of me that feels powerful inflicting shame on another only to feel shame myself for doing it.. when this stuff comes up I might find even find myself laughing through the tears at the repetitiveness of it, how silly I’ve been playing small and victimized and stuffing it down until it hurt when all along I was doing it to myself because I needed the experience, I needed to let it out and I chose to learn the lesson this way. I don’t know where my shame originally came from and I don’t need to but I can see how there’s this common thread and all it wants is to be finally accepted for what it is, a feeling thats been trying to teach me that looking outside for approval will never satisfy my need for love, that I don’t like causing harm to me or to another and that the only person I need to forgive is myself for being afraid to look at myself and love the parts of me I find too repulsive to accept are in me. Now that I know this and accept this it can start to heal and the best part is, healing actually feels good when I surrender to the feeling and stop resiting what its trying to tell me. My little girl doesn’t want to be locked in the dark unforgiven for eternity and throwing tantrums trying to get my attention. She wants to be stroked and loved and soothed so she can go back to playing and seeing and creating beauty and love everywhere she goes. Hope that helps xoxoxo

  51.  #51Kyla on May 20, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    I have noticed that everytime I feel resistance or rejection to ANYTHING its pointing out shame repressed somewhere in me. I felt resistance to BearCDs obsession and rejected him for it. (he’s gone now thanks to just one of cupcakes awesome auto texts, thanks sweetie) I can look out at him feeding the bad feelings or I can look into me and what I’m feeling because I’m strongly resisting the feelings that are coming from me. Why did it show up for me? What can those feelings that are triggered in me tell me about myself? I have had my own crazy obsessions and self destructive addictions and I reject parts of me and am disgusted at my own behaviour at times too. Thank you BearCD for showing up for me to help me heal and for so brilliantly acting out the part I needed to trigger these feelings and I send you compassion too, I don’t know your story and I’m sorry for your pain, goodbye. Back to me and loving me and my naughty shadow side.
    I feel intense resistance and strong negative feelings towards violence and yet I’m entertained by violent movies and can’t help being transfixed by a disaster on the news. Why is it showing up for me? I have repressed shameful memories of being both the abuser and the abused and the onlooker who did nothing, and yet I can now admit there’s a part of me that got a payoff from all of it and wanted the experience. Oh the shame! 🙂

  52.  #52Millie on May 21, 2014 at 12:14 am

    Kyla–I love your post about the woods and building a cabin, listening to the birds and being in nature. I love that….The woods are so peaceful and centering, but also full of adventure. That’s so great that you and your man had such romantic sounding time. He sounds very masculine too 🙂

  53.  #53Millie on May 21, 2014 at 12:36 am

    I just got home from a 14 hr workday. I’m beat….
    I love my job tremendously, I want to be good and fast and creative with everything I do, I want to excel, rise to the occasion, and surpass others. I’m essentially on the bottom of the food chain at the office, so it can get very stressful when multi-tasking gets out of control. When you feel like you are struggling to stay above water…but then tomorrow, you realize you are paddling, treading, then swimming, then the water is not a force to struggle against anymore….I’m getting there.

    Some feelings are starting to surface, partly because I’m exhausted, and partly because I have a second date with Bike guy later in the week. I’m going to be really honest…because it won’t help me not to be…the feelings that are arising are feelings of resistance. I find a small part of myself hoping he doesn’t call, so then I won’t have to deal with the act of going on the date, of talking, of sharing, of “pretending” I’m interested, when I’m not really. (Not just in him, but I feel this way on most dates where I am not in chasing mode.) There is a part of me that feels like it is pointless. (I know it is not.) Let me clarify..On a conscious level, I totally get the concept of Circular dating and how it helps and what I need to do to work on myself. The voices I’m sharing here, are the buried ones, the ones I don’t let rise to the surface very often because I know they are wrong, or at least keeping something good out. They are protective. These voices are telling me that I like my life how it is. I like being alone, I like my own life, sharing it with someone would not feel normal, it would feel like pretending. I’d just push them away with my desire for solitude until they left. This person wants me to text him, he wants from me, and maybe I just feel like I’m not the right person to give it. (I know it’s super early to be saying things like this, it’s just those submerged voices surfacing.) Clearly I find comfort in how I’ve built my life, in my rituals, in my projects, in retreating from people. I’m going on the date of course! Just talking out loud here….

    Oh! The dance teacher called me last night, don’t know if you all remember him? He was a bit strange and left me feeling uncomfortable and unsure if he was trying to get in my wallet, pants, or both…. Anyway, he called, I answered and talked a bit and told him that as a student taking a class I felt I should tell him how I felt and why I don’t want any more lessons. I basically told him how uncomfortable I had felt, but didn’t realize why in the moment, all I felt was tense and clammed up. He said he knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what and that no one has every had that reaction before. He apologized for that and about the modeling pics. He seemed genuine about it and a bit clueless about the impact of certain things. Anyway, it felt good to voice how I felt and now I can be authentic about it next time I see him without acting like it is all ok, when it wasn’t ok.

  54.  #54Waterfall on May 21, 2014 at 4:27 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Just checking in!

    My posts were deleted last week & just wondering why?

  55.  #55Tereana on May 21, 2014 at 4:32 am

    I’ve been getting in touch with me “dominatrix” self today. She’s quite strong! I believe that, untapped, she becomes the aggravating, “masculine” force in my relationships. But, she is this aspect of my personality that represents powerful femininity, as distinct from masculinity. Powerful and forthright IN the feminine.

    It kind of had to do with my outfit today. A co-worker made a comment. It was kind of an inappropriate one, but it made me think. She’s the most powerful part of me, but I’m usually rejecting her and trying to get her out of the light. So she comes out as “controlling,” anxiety, maybe even depression.

    Then, I had a nice moment when I just decided to fall in love with the broken. Whatever is broken, whether I see it or not, know it or not. To fall I’m love with all of it – broken and not broken. To see the all the pieces as a whole, not disparate parts. Then I felt immediately more relaxed.

    Ok, it didn’t solve everything. I still felt nervous when I had to shake a guy’s hand that I didn’t know and didn’t want to shake it, but I was trying not to offend. I did something half-hearted and then grabbed a kitty and petted her. I hate touching strange men’s hands sometimes. It’s an energetic thing. “Too much information.” But then there is social pressure and people are visibly offended and hurt when you won’t touch them. It’s such a tricky situation..,

  56.  #56Azure Blu on May 21, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Kyla #50…
    Yes, this is soooo helpful!!
    I feel sooo special and heard…
    Thank you for taking the time
    to share YOUR journey and
    how you work through your feelings of shame…
    I have pasted and copied and want to try these techniques…

  57.  #57Azure Blu on May 21, 2014 at 8:34 am

    I feel curious and soft reading about
    “the broken” I want to try this…

  58.  #58Azure Blu on May 21, 2014 at 8:46 am

    millie #53
    Love reading about
    the feelings you are working through
    when thinking about the Bike cd…

    It feels alot like what I am feeling while dating MNcd…
    He’s easy, stays in contact, not much chaos
    I have expressed to him
    my feelings about him
    calling.,, he does
    planning dates… he does
    and other things…

    it’s still early in our dating
    and I have noticed me experiencing HEAVY anxiety
    because I can actually be more emotionally intimate
    with him… than any CD so far…
    It is stretching me emotionally,,,
    I am feeling unworthy (in my mind I know I am worthy)
    I want to push him away!!!!!
    I don’t want this easy, breezi closeness. (but I really do)
    it is exhausting me…
    Don’t get me wrong..,
    I am going to keep showing up
    and being present to practice
    all of these feelings
    I haven’t had a chance to practice
    with an emotionally available man…
    Lucky I am!! :->

    How Authentic and vulnerable you were
    sharing your feelings with the Dance guy,,,
    Powerful Siren YOU!!

  59.  #59Azure Blu on May 21, 2014 at 8:56 am

    reading about the off the grid living and camping…
    Ninja seems like a wonderful partner for you!!

    I too love the outdoors…
    It is difficult to find people… much less a man who loves nature as much as I do..
    I am renewed, revitalized, softened and calmed
    by my Mother Nature… she loves me sooooo,….

    My ex BK loved the outdoors even more than i did…
    It was sooo fun and exciting sharing all of that together… I have many wonderful memories of our times in his two camps in the Upper Peninsula!!

  60.  #60Azure Blu on May 21, 2014 at 9:02 am

    redbutterfly, #38
    LOve the sharing of your crazy, fun family weekend with your widower cd…
    So glad he is stepping up for you and being a masculine force!!! 🙂

    I too am dating a widower (65 yrs., married for 40, she died 4 yrs ago)
    I’m curious… if you don’t mind sharing…
    How long have you been dating him?
    what do you mean by widower issues?

  61.  #61redbutterfly on May 21, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Hi Azure Blu! We have been dating for a little over a year and a half now. He was married for 25 years and she passed away almost 3 years ago. He is a really, really good guy…I can’t stress that enough. But he was close to his late wife’s family and sometimes feels like he needs to hide me. I really try to understand and not make a big deal out of things but sometimes that is hard. And we have a 13 year age difference between us, He is 53 and I am 40. He has taken big steps though. Pulled down some pictures (not all) of her, introduced me to some of her family. The biggest issue is just that he is scared of what people think. He worries about his “timelines” instead of going with his heart. He worries that it’s too soon to move in, get engaged, get married, show up around her family. But we are overcoming those things. Last year I was not allowed to meet her father, he actually requested that I leave before he showed up but in a couple of weeks I will be at a graduation party that the father will be at also. And we plan to move in together after my daughter graduates high school next summer. I guess I would rather deal with these issues than some of the issues I saw in my exes. At least he is mature, kind, generous and smart!

  62.  #62redbutterfly on May 21, 2014 at 10:13 am

    I just don’t understand how I let things make me so angry. I got a text from my exhusband last night demanding that I instruct my brand new sister-in-law who just married my brother this weekend to take down an old Facebook picture of his because “he has someone tired of looking at it.” I told him that he could hide it from his timeline but he isn’t very smart and said he couldn’t do it and that I needed to “make it happen.” I told him she was on her honeymoon and I wasn’t going to bother her with a request like that right now and he said “Figure it out sometime soon because I am pissed.” At this point, I should have just walked away but I was so angry and I texted back that I wasn’t in any hurry to help him right now because he destroyed 10 years of my daughter’s childhood photos (due to his drunken laptop smashing rage after we split up) and he said “don’t ever message me again and I will never take you off the mortgage.” (We have a quit claim deed.) I didn’t reply anymore after that.

    Obviously this crap shouldn’t bother me but here I am venting about it on this board and I don’t want to admit this but I spent hours last night looking through his facebook friends trying to figure out the new girlfriend. This is sick! I just want to pretend he doesn’t exist and isn’t worth even my anger. How do I make that happen??? I have a great life, great kid, great job, great boyfriend. Why do I let him still push my buttons???? How to I excommunicate him from my thoughts completely? Anyone have any tools? I tried the visualization technique of pretending he was shrinking to a speck on the floor, it didn’t work. It just made me realize I need to vaccuum my floor!

  63.  #63Helena Hart on May 21, 2014 at 10:53 am

    Redbutterfly – 62 – That’s a tough situation, my heart goes out to you. Have you tried “The Stranger” tool? It’s all about loving and embracing your anger, rather than trying to stuff it down – since what you resist persists. “Riffing” may also be helpful for you.

    Love, Helena

  64.  #64Andrea on May 21, 2014 at 11:06 am

    WwWohholy Socks!! A new e-letter from Helena:

    “4. Ask yourself – what is your masculine energy doing or not doing that’s showing up in the men you’re meeting out there in the world?

    Whatever is going on in your masculine energy inside you, that’s what showing up in the men you’re meeting and attracting out there in the world.

    In other words, there is no one separate from you – there’s just YOU, showing up in different ways.”

    I feel mind blown. I feel needing to dig down deep into what’s been showing up in my life and what hasn’t been showing up.
    The men I feel thrilled with and excited about are in my periphery, never attending to me. Not calling. Not asking me out. They exist. I see them. But they don’t want me.

    The men who want me are boring, smell bad, gross, messy cars, want the easy access, want physical closeness with out putting any effort into their health or attractiveness.

    I feel irritated by the men who are calling me.
    I feel frustrated about the men who aren’t calling me.

    : ) Okay, how does this connect with my own male energy? I’ve spent hours trying to figure out how to “make something happen” in my dating and relationship world. Trying to figure out how to force these men that I am interested in to call me. And trying to figure out how to either push away or change the men who are calling me.

    No matter what, my focus has been on how to change my relationship status. My focus has been on men. Holy socks!!! MY MALE ENERGY HAS BEEN FOCUSED ON MEN… NOT ON ME!!!

    No wonder the men I want aren’t focusing on me. The “man” I am isn’t even focused on me.

    This morning I was longing so much for my ex to be back in my life. No matter how bad our relationship was, he always sent me a text every morning.. “L. U.” and he sent me compliments through out the day like when he knew I was working out, or had a job interview.. or what not.

    I realized I was longing for him. Instead of trying to force that longing away I just instead felt that precious woman who longed for.. what??
    Then I realized, I’d had a brilliant morning. I woke and meditated and went for a jog through the park, made a nice breakfast for my girls, got them off to school, etc… I wanted someone to compliment me. To say, “Good Job, Andrea”
    I wanted Greg because he was really good at that kind of thing with me.
    Now I realize, I didn’t want Greg. I wanted someone to acknowledge my awesome-ness. I wanted a pat on the back.

    Now…. Is that something that my Male Energy would do? If I allowed my male energy to focus on me, is that the role it would take on? I feel strange, honestly, saying it to myself… “Good job Andrea”
    or.. “That’s a great idea for your career.” “Hey, job well done on that account.” “You showed great integrity with that client.” “Good job on meeting your financial goal this month Andrea.”

    What else does my male energy do when it’s focused on me? What other roles would it take on? Jeesh… I feel this is all so new to me. I don’t need to wait for a man to come and take this on. I actually have the capacity to treat myself to my own male energy.

    Does that then mean that #1: The men around me won’t be bombarded with my male energy.
    #2: That perhaps if I focus my male energy on me, then more actual Male Energy Men will start to be more attracted to me as well?

    does any of that follow????

  65.  #65Azure Blu on May 21, 2014 at 11:14 am

    redbutterfly #61
    I feel honored that you shared your journey with
    Yes… some of the similar things
    might be going on with
    My widower MN
    I dated him last year for a few months and it was obvious he was NOT ready…
    I needed a break from dating
    sooo we agreed to call the whole thing off…
    He has kept in contact with me off and on by text and a few months ago
    We agreed to date again,,,
    He is MUCH better– laughs, can call on the phone
    talks more (one more year of grieving and healing)
    BUT… I have not been to his house yet…
    He has been to mine… he lives 30min away…
    I haven’t mentioned anything cause
    we havn’t had many dates this time,,,
    I’m not sure I’m ready… (I don’t mean ending up in bed)
    and I am spending much time trying to revitalize MY company…
    This is alllll working out well for me as it is such GOOD practice to share my feelings with a nice man!!
    I am staying open and present,,,

  66.  #66Azure Blu on May 21, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Wow Andrea!!!
    You lovely, amazing siren!!
    I love, love love this…
    I have never really thought about MY relationship with MY male energy…
    This is blowing MY MIND!!!
    This has soooo much potential for ME
    loving ME!!
    I want to contemplate THIS today!!

  67.  #67Veronica on May 21, 2014 at 11:23 am

    I’m feeling so tired today.

    I had a nightmare a few nights ago – BM was in it – I felt trapped. Basically he invited me to a family wedding that was in another country and his fiance would be there. But I felt trepidation but also was practicing noticing me and how I feel in all this (ha even in my nightmares I come through for me). I was exploring the wedding venue/mall/hotel, talking to people and even cartwheeling outside. Then BM wanted to get back together, and he said this with his fiance present – I could feel my energy dim and how torturous the interaction was – he went again into barely divulging mode. I did not like this dream at all – and it left me with a jaded ugliness that makes BM seem so unappealing. Almost like poison.

    feeling strong pain and hopelessness and then also a little bit later, happiness, freedom, kindness, possibility

    I love that I can move like that

    I can appreciate now that the tools are not for me to be invincible, but to still feel, let it be and move onto the next thing that life has waiting for me

    It’s much better than being stuck

    And I realise I have options
    I can see how OwlCD could fem me out but also how I could feed that and
    how I could siren my way through that:
    His ‘let me know when you want to hang out’
    I could: feel slipping hopelessness into ‘oh another man in the fem-zone’ and shut down
    I could: I feel so tired with putting so much energy into what I love that I just want someone to pick me up, whisk me off to something fun to forget my tiredness and then bring me home

    yes a superman man

    I like that I recognise the options

    Also I could just give me the soothing comfort I need right now

    but loving touch would be heaven right now, I love how that goodness collects in my chest

    definitely need a forever love

  68.  #68Femininewoman on May 21, 2014 at 11:59 am

    Sadly though, most women who become involved with a married man have little chance to ever have this man be her one and only forever man. And while you’re waiting for him, many if not all of your weekends, many if not all of the holidays and any other special event will likely be spent alone. For as the other woman, you will have to take the back seat most if not all the time, the wife and family mostly always coming first to him. This feels so sad. I want more for you. Don’t you want more for yourself than this?

    It’s possible, likely, that many of the women who find themselves in this kind of situation have some fears around intimacy. For you can’t be truly intimate with a man who has another woman and another life. In a very real sense, this might feel safe as insecure as it feels as well. For if you never experienced a deep love bond with your first care givers, if you never experienced a feeling of being worthy of love, then this scenario will feel comfortable in a strangely uncomfortable sort of way. It’s a familiar feeling, love and intimacy being out of reach, just as it was when you were growing up


  69.  #69Femininewoman on May 21, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    Dream Interpretation


    A marriage in our waking life is a symbol of a new beginning, and this is often what marriage in your dream means as well. If it is not you getting married in your dream, then you may be attending a wedding in your waking life in the near future. Or there may simply be someone in your waking life that will be inviting you to their wedding. A marriage also represents transitions and harmony. So if you are experiencing problems in your relationships, or even your friendships, in your waking life, a marriage in your dream will foretell of an anticipated transition for the better. Things are about to balance themselves out, and reach a point of harmony and balance in the very near future.

    Are you the one proposing or initiating the marriage? You may need to be the one that makes a bold move in your life in order to initiate this cycle of harmony and balance. Marriages are always about transitions and new beginnings. So if you see this experience in your dream, know that transitions and new beginnings in your waking life will unfold in the near future. Details, timing, seasons, and feelings will all help you determine when and how this will happen. Pay attention to as many details as you can in your dream to uncover how this marriage will manifest in your waking life.


  70.  #70Andrea on May 21, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Then.. though… masculine and feminine energy..

    I feel pretzeled. I feel tied up in knots.

    I feel more insight coming to light. Starting to realize that when I was with Greg, I was so masculine. I was always “showing off” to him, trying to impress him, trying to get his attention, trying to “win” him. I was always fishing for a compliment.

    Today, I said to myself, “Andrea, I really appreciate that you took me out for that run this morning. I feel so appreciative that that “task” is done for the day and I can be relaxed and not worrying about when to fit time in for a work out.”

    So, my masculine energy got me up and dressed and out the door this morning for a jog. My feminine energy is being appreciative right now because it is done.

    My masculine energy was always trying to get Greg to notice me. I don’t think my feminine energy showed up very much except when we made love. Because when we made love I felt extremely relaxed and trusting and luxurious with Greg. He took control of all of our moments together in that department and I felt so treasured when we made love. But then, soon after, there my masculine energy would show up again with… talk about this, plan this, need to know this, etc…

    Wow. At the end of our relationship he kept saying he was just extremely confused as to what I wanted. And I would yell at him for being such a feminine person. I would yell at him to just make a decision.

    I feel masculine energy-ing all over the men I meet on POF and the men who have asked me out on dates. I lead the date. I take over the experience. I work to impress, to entertain, to show off. I do. I do.

    But all the Doing energy is focused outside of me. Then sometimes I feel so depleted and I work to push everyone away.

    What would the doing look like if it were focused on me? I would take myself out for a jog. I would take myself out to a coffee shop to finish some writing projects. I would take myself to a bike shop and get a bike pump to pump up my bike tires and take myself and my daughters biking.

    I feel hazy still. Like topsy turvey. Can it be that I’ve been really masculine with out even knowing it? But that I’ve rarely let my feminine energy appreciate my masculine energy.

    When a masculine man shows up, I really feel like I want to just BE.
    So I can DO and BE for me. But when a True Man shows up in my life, I get to allow my DO-ing to kind of relax and rest?????

    Is that why I’m so exhausted with men all the time? Is it because I’m in an energetic tug of war.. wanting them to DO, but not letting go of my own DO-ing. And then… sometimes when I “win”.. and they become the BE-ers.. I get angry and frustrated and tired.

    Even this… Andrea, I really appreciate you working so hard to “figure this out.” I really appreciate you “thinking this through.” Now I want to feel. I feel sad and teary-eyed. I feel missing someone I really love. I feel blaming myself for getting it all wrong before. I feel wanting a hot bath to soak in and tired and achy and nostalgic for all the ways Greg made me smile. I feel his boy energy just looking at me with his electric blue eyes and big grin just wanting appreciation. I feel regretful for all the ways I took him for granted and harped on him when he kept telling me he was really confused. I feel sorry I just yelled at him to figure it out for himself, when I was all confused as well.

    I feel like laying myself down and feeling the many layers of all of this.

  71.  #71Femininewoman on May 21, 2014 at 12:09 pm

    Andrea I feel so tearyeyed reading your comments.

  72.  #72Femininewoman on May 21, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I feel sad for myself. I hear my voice telling myself that my masculine energy will never be able to do that consistently. I will never be able to remember to love myself so consistently.

  73.  #73Helena Hart on May 21, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Andrea – 64 – Thanks for sharing part of one of my newsletters! I’m SO glad that resonated with you!! Once I realized that I was attracting men that were a mirror image of my OWN masculine energy, that was a HUGE turning point for me.

    I love what you said here: “No matter what, my focus has been on how to change my relationship status. My focus has been on men. Holy socks!!! MY MALE ENERGY HAS BEEN FOCUSED ON MEN… NOT ON ME!!!”

    This was my exact experience. Once I took all that energy I was using to try to make something happen in my love life and put it back on MYSELF where it belongs – better and better men started showing up and everything shifted in the right direction from there.

    I’d love to hear about how this plays out for you!

    Love, Helena

  74.  #74Liquid Light on May 21, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    I feel afraid of very masculine energy men.

    I want a very masculine man but I’m afraid of them too.

    I’m afraid that they will get intense and obsessive like my ex.

    There’s a man that I’m v attracted to but there’s fear. He seems similar to my ex in a lot of ways. I’m afraid he’ll be like him in the bad ways and that I might feel scared because of his v intense energy.

    It feels like a dilemma, a catch 22. I feel stuck.

  75.  #75Helena Hart on May 21, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    Andrea – 64 & 70 – It’s interesting that you brought this up today, I just did a radio interview this morning on Dr. Jackie Black’s show about this very topic. It will post in about a week.

    In the meantime, if you want to explore this more, this radio interview I did awhile back should be helpful. It’s all about balancing your masculine and feminine energies and using them in a way that works FOR you, not against you.


    Later on in the show, another guest takes you through an exercise that shows you how to integrate these energies on a daily basis. Maybe it will be helpful for you!

    Love, Helena

  76.  #76Millie on May 21, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    I’m on lunch break at work, so I don’t have time to write as much as I want, but just wanting to jump in and say, great processing Andrea! My masculine vs. Feminine is something I think about a lot too…and also the concept of you showing up in men, still hard for me to figure out, but I am resonating with your posting!

    My masculine energy is predominately present at work. I am a do-er, a list-maker, a checking off the list-gasm-er!

    AzureBlu: “I want to push him away!!”
    Yes…I totally understand that feeling, I feel it too, but I feel that desire and urge stems from fear….fear of the unknown and fear of opening up, especially when we’ve been closed for so long….

    I’ll catch up more tonight!

  77.  #77Dominique on May 21, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Femininewoman – I’m so sorry you feel despairing over this. Yet I don’t see this at all in you, and I’ve known you a long time.

    Consistent self love doesn’t mean it all feel warm and cozy all of the time. Consistent self love includes neglect as well as being downright mean to yourself sometimes. Yes it’s true, and this is part of being human. It can also be old habits which can tend to arise when you feel anxious, unsure, shaky for whatever reason.

    YET with your keen awareness, you can quickly recognize when this arises, and you can love this wonderful part of you (yes this part of you IS wonderful too), and you can also let it go, show it the door, say thank you but no thank you, not now.

    Love to you.


  78.  #78Indigo on May 21, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    Andrea 64,

    I’ve no idea if this is helpful to you, but it was just something that struck me as I was reading your post, when you say you are frustrated that the men whom you are interested in don’t call, and you wonder how you can *make* them call. And the men whom you feel turned off by, do seem to want you.

    People aren’t responding to us when they behave the way that they do, not really. They are acting out of who they are, and what they feel able to do and cope with. So trying to make them do something is usually a pointless waste of energy. Yes they can be inspired by witnessing how happy and serene you are in your own life, but in general, again, this has nothing to do with anything you’ve done or not done.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is… I sense your frustration, and I just wanted to suggest that you save your energy and not think and try so hard.

    I don’t know if this was helpful! hugs to you!

  79.  #79Indigo on May 21, 2014 at 1:53 pm

    I feel great. I’ve had a fun week with no drama on the work or personal front.

    Yay! I feel light and free at the moment.

  80.  #80Indigo on May 21, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    At the college where I study interior decorating, on all the mirrors in the bathroom it’s written in big letters:


    I think this is incredibly cool. I love this reminder.

  81.  #81Liquid Light on May 21, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    I don’t know if anyone watches Dancing with the Stars? I just caught it the other night and couldn’t help but be struck by the dynamic between Maks and Meryl. They look like they are so in love with each other. And they are extremes – he is extremely masculine, and she is hyper feminine. Its so interesting to see how he softens around her, his tough macho exterior just seems softer and lighter somehow. And she just lets him be the man and take charge. I think he loves how masculine he feels around her, without having to be over the top about it, which is the way he struck me on previous shows. It so interesting to see the dynamic play out between them. I hope it works out for them.

  82.  #82Liquid Light on May 21, 2014 at 2:06 pm


    Love that!!! Thanks Indigo!

  83.  #83Femininewoman on May 21, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Thanks Dominique. I just had to go lie down a bit and let it all wash over me. I will let you words sink in.

  84.  #84Olivia on May 21, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    @Andrea – I really needed this. My guy has been on a campaign to encourage me to lean back less (he feels overwhelmed like I sit and wait for him to do everything) and I am working on getting to a siren feeling balance with that in our relationship.
    For some reason I can’t quite put my finger on your post makes me feel really good about getting to that balance…
    Maybe it’s cause when I “do” things for “us” I feel this overwhelming need for a pat on the back from him for what I’ve just done….
    And maybe if I start patting MYSELF on the back more internally it will take the pressure off him.
    And he’ll feel better about my leaning-back-ness.
    And it’ll be this productive cycle where I DO things but feel good about them.
    Kind of thinking while I write….
    Any thoughts you have on this would be appreciated…or reflections….
    THANK YOU again!!!!

  85.  #85Valarie O'Ryan on May 21, 2014 at 3:52 pm

    Liquid Light 81, yes, I noticed that too last night.

    And I was thinking, “this is exactly how to inspire a man.” She was just very soft & you could tell he wanted to take care of her. He probably felt very safe. Even when she reached out first, “hold my hand” it was in a way that was feminine & without “needing” something.

    Maks seemed very different this season – calmer, more grounded. She could be why – so lovely to watch 🙂


  86.  #86Emerson on May 21, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    I’m not feeling like dating at all. I want a natural process of getting to know someone that feels light, airy and comfy. I don’t want to feel tight in my neck and squinty face stressed ….
    I don’t know how to be on a date with a stranger without feeling stiff and having the urge to RUN… If I have some drinks it’s better… But still feels empty…

  87.  #87Tereana on May 21, 2014 at 8:35 pm

    Whyyyyy do I feel this pull toward S. Whyyyy!???

    He is so not right for me. He’ll never give me what I want.

    But he intrigues me. He reminds me of me. His “stuff” mirrors mine, even though it’s different. And, and, and…that’s it. And something else I can’t name. I know it’s wrong. He said horrible things. And yet, I can’t help it – I see past that, into who he is, and I just feel this deep affection for that part of him. I see his little scared self, and that makes me want to love my little scared self.

    I feel comfort in that.

    And I’m not comfortable “hating” someone just because they got triggered and acted badly. That would be the same as someone rejecting me for that, and I don’t want that.

    So I guess that’s why he’s still on my mind.

    Though I still have not written to him at all. I’m still “crafting” my message – and CDing and experiencing a lot of growth as I go along!

  88.  #88Emerson on May 21, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    I’m feeling so much confidence at work right now. Just not in dating.

  89.  #89Indigo on May 21, 2014 at 9:41 pm

    You’re welcome Liquid Light 🙂

    Your description of that couple was simply lovely

  90.  #90Emerson on May 21, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    Hehe I just realized I have more confidence than I thought… Thanks to roris tools !!!
    I’ve been messaging men online dating sites and using feeling messages…it feels good…

    Exoticcd literally dropped off the face of earth. Wtf! He moved and we were supposed to meet before he left but he never confirmed plans…oh well…

  91.  #91Emerson on May 21, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    I’ve been leany forwardy with cutecityCD just to experiment and it does feel unfulfilling even tho he always replies…
    I’ve been missing recycledCD and feeling awful since the way we left things was bad…and he is the one who should feel bad not me. He’s in a relationship living with someone and had been hiding it from me ….for theSECOND time!!! What is wrong with me? I need to stay away from him totally.

  92.  #92Emerson on May 21, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Ah I feel such a distance from people who were such a big part of my life before…
    I try to keep in touch they are important to me but it’s not reciprocal so I have to let it go…
    I’ve also been missing a friend that I had a falling out with. She thougt I was dating her boyfriend behind her back. Seriously crazy. I have no idea wtf. Anyways it ruined our friendship. I’m not even remotely friends or interested in her scruffy man. Eww.

  93.  #93Millie on May 22, 2014 at 12:46 am

    Emerson 86– I am feeling the same way…..
    I wonder…we are looking for ways to inspire a man by growing ourselves, but sometimes I wonder where the men are that inspire me? I have met a few in my life, not many, and usually, similar to what Andrea has pointed out, they don’t pursue me. I’m thinking about “cancelling” my “date” for tomorrow. I haven’t heard from him with any plan or confirmation, I don’t want to reach out, so I’m thinking about mentally planning to do something else and if he does call, saying I didn’t hear from you, so I made other plans….Is that playing games? Maybe it is……. I’m thinking that I want to make it harder for a man to get me to go on a date with him. I want to spend more time in that phase, so when we do go on a first date, the chemistry is already there, vs. trying to build it afterwards….I just feel tired, uninspired (romantically, not in general), and kind of listless…dating seems so orchestrated…and mundane….right now…maybe I don’t know what I want at all.

  94.  #94Millie on May 22, 2014 at 12:53 am

    87 Tereana– playing devil’s advocate here…If you see so much of yourself in him, perhaps you are using your image of him that you perceive to be mirroring yourself as a mode of self-love. Do you feel if you were to be angry at him, that would make it ok for someone to be angry at you? So to dispell that uncomfortable feeling of having someone upset at you, you choose not to be angry with him? You are treating him as you want to be treated, which is nice, but maybe project onto yourself what you are projecting onto him….He is not you, you are you. Love you, not you through him….does that make sense?

    And the simplest answer to why you still want him, is that–we want what we can’t have.

  95.  #95Kyla on May 22, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Millie if he set up the date with a time and place then it was already confirmed but maybe have a back up plan in case you don’t hear from him. If the plans weren’t finalized then it was not confirmed and you should make your own plans. When he contacts softly let him know with something like “Oh it feels so good to hear from you and I feel disappointed! Our date wasn’t confirmed and I have made other plans now. It would feel fun to go out with you another night. I’m available (give 2 options). What do you think?”

    I know when I was finding CDing tedious that finding my curiousity and getting my sense of humour really made all the difference. Instead of being disappointed I could giggle and get fascinated about who this person in front of me is, even if its not my kind of person they are still a unique characture, y’know? Find something to get curious about, listen to what he says, be open to what he’s offering and try it out. If it doesn’t do it for you then don’t accept another date and the adventure continues 🙂

  96.  #96Kyla on May 22, 2014 at 7:35 am

    I had a huge blow up with my daughter last night and had to get into tough mom mode and read her the riot act. She was having such an extreme tantrum and being so disrespectful I was shaking while trying to remain firm and in control. I felt so terrible afterwards even though all I had done was reinforce boundaries and rules and set a fair punishment. I was in tears after she went to bed and still shaken when Ninja text to see if I was still up. I sent a feeling message about our fight and how I was feeling terrible and his response seemed dismissive and judgey. I responded Ouch. His next text felt worse. I sent a feeling message that I felt awful reading that and felt defensive and didnt want to talk right now. He said I took it all wrong and he wasn’t trying to make it worse and then dismissed how I was feeling again.

    Sigh.. I wanted to attack, explain and vent all over him. I felt kicked when I was already feeling beaten. I put my phone away, ran a bath, stayed with how I was feeling, cried until I felt release, chatted to a close friend and then text him back that I’m sorry and I know its not how he meant it. I was feeling awful and vulnerable and raw. I feel better now after a good cry. He sent another text that felt dismissive again. I said That feels weird. Words in text feel really harsh I guess and I feel overtired. Thanks for listening, I’m feeling calmer and going to get some sleep. And his response was “text is no good for emotion. If I said them to you and you could hear my tone and see my eyes you would kiss me and hug me and curl up in my arms and know you’re ok and I love you.” My whole body relaxed and I could suddenly hear all the words that had stung before in a completely new way and I felt soothed, protected and loved.
    The exact same words with totally different meaning. I gave the words the meaning and I chose how to feel in response both times. I feel good about how I spoke my truth, avoided blame, kept turning my focus inwards, took care of me and stayed open. It was difficult and worth it.

  97.  #97Veronica on May 22, 2014 at 7:59 am

    Azure Blu – 42 – Thank you. I started looking at it during one of my breaks from work, sounds really good. I felt sad seeing how the life prospects of children who didn’t receive the programme diminished. When I get a chance I hope to dive in a bit more : )

  98.  #98Veronica on May 22, 2014 at 8:00 am

    FW – 69 – I feel cared for that you posted this, thank you. And it’s so positive and encouraging: ) I can explore the dream and its message for me instead of being put off by that strong jaded ugliness that lingers.

    Oh it just hit me now that when BM and I were at the beginning of our relationship, I kept having dreams that we were at a church in my home town and he was marrying someone else. I was feeling distraught in the dream.
    Lots to explore

  99.  #99Femininewoman on May 22, 2014 at 8:58 am

    Wow Kyla. So much to learn but proof that it can be done.

  100.  #100Azure Blu on May 22, 2014 at 9:06 am

    Veronica, 96
    Ohhhh… sooo happy to see you read about the HighScope curriculum!!
    Many preschools and elementary schools throughout the world have adapted it!! not only the under served.

    One of the more interesting part, for me, of this way of teaching, has to do with the way they handle conflict resolution!!
    Wish I had known about it while I was raising my children… it has many elements of Roris tools.

  101.  #101Azure Blu on May 22, 2014 at 9:18 am

    Kyla #95
    I can feel your LOVE, anxiety and frustration dealing with your daughter…
    Sooo much to handle while incorporating your fairly new relationship with Ninja,,,
    YOU handled it Ohhhh… so Sireny!! 🙂

    Blending families is certainly a process..
    I admire those that actually do it…
    When I was a single mom
    I had so little emotional copying skills
    that taking care of 2 children, while working 2 or 3 jobs
    was all I could do…
    Too bad cause there were 2 VERY nice men
    who were willing and able to help..
    I just couldn’t let them in…

  102.  #102Azure Blu on May 22, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Tereana #87
    Wow… I feel your frustration
    trying to untangle
    You from S
    and why he feels sooo compelling…

    I could be way off here:
    When I have read your posts about your mom and how you are treated by her…
    S reminds me of her…

    I have noticed with me…
    Having learned in childhood and beyond…
    to cope with
    rejection, VERY negative verbal abuse, Chaos, unrelablity,
    extreme neglect, etc.
    I only had ways to deal with this kind of behavior

    I had no idea how to handle kind, adoring, supportive, reliable people…
    I still struggle with this!!!
    Soooo…. when i would find (just in the last 6 months have I changed this somewhat)
    a man who neglected me, didn’t keep his promises,
    caused chaos, wouldn’t tell the truth,
    acted like I was unworthy…
    THAT is where the HOOK was!!
    Thank you BK for leading me to RORI’s tools so
    I can keep learning to LOVE ALL of ME!!! :->

  103.  #103Azure Blu on May 22, 2014 at 10:51 am

    AND quickly say “No Thank you”
    to anyone who does not treat ME
    with the respect and attention I DESERVE!

  104.  #104Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 11:21 am

    I went to a speed dating event last and someone came up to me immediately. He was cute, smart, fun and flirty. We connected right away. When we had our one on one time, his tone was different, more down beat, and he asked me what I was looking for? I was really surprised because that has never happened before at speed dating! I told him a relationship, a partnership like everyone else on the site. But I was thrown off by his question. He seemed a bit disappointed and then showed me a photo of his gorgeous 13 yr old daughter. Then he said he wanted another one but I kinda dismissed it.

    Then when I looked at his profile later after the event, I saw that he said he “definitely” wants to have kids. I think his disappointment was because I hadn’t mentioned that that’s what I wanted. The fact is I’m too old to have my own kids and have become OK with that. But I would consider adoption (though my profile makes no mention of that.) His disappointment was hanging in the air by the end of our 7 minutes together though and I didn’t get it until later when I saw his profile.

    My question is, should I sent him a message to let him know that I would consider adoption? Or is that just too leaning forward?

  105.  #105Kyla on May 22, 2014 at 11:44 am

    LL depends on if you have an expectation for him to respond and ask you out or if you have no expectations except to say thanks and speak your truth. Something like ‘I want to say thank you for bringing that question up the other night and I would feel so good adopting a child if I was in a relationship with a man that wanted that too so thank you for giving me the opportunity to really explore my feelings around this.’ If the contact is all about you and you dont expect him to react in a particlar way to validate your email then it won’t have a leaning forward vibe, it will have an open, authentic and confident vibe.

    Btw I saw the quote about clown ninja’s froma few posts back and felt super honored that you were thinking of me 😀

  106.  #106Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Thanks Kyla!

    I’m a bit confused by your suggestion. I do have an expectation/desired outcome if I contact him so from what you are saying that would be leaning forward. So probably shouldn’t send it?

  107.  #107Kyla on May 22, 2014 at 11:57 am

    Thanks FW and Azure 🙂

    My parenting skills and how I perceive others might judge the job I’m doing has always been one of my most raw, exposed nerves and usually where I default to I didnt ask for your opinion and then completey shut down or lash out. I want a relationship where I feel safe to be me, even when its broken me, so I know I need to keep being brave and keep doing the work.

  108.  #108Kyla on May 22, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Um ok if you think about sending him the email and he doesn’t respond how would you feel? If you would barely notice or only slightly disappointed but could easily shrug it off then I would do it. If the idea of him not responding makes you feel embarrassed, hurt or anything icky then don’t.

    When I think of lean forward expectations its I need this to happen to feel good vs it would be so cool if this happened and I feel good anyway

  109.  #109Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Kyla 107 Got it, thanks, that helps…

    I’m not so sure what to do. I read his profile again and he gushes on and on about mother’s day and how the day will be focused on the mother of his children and how great of a mother she is. etc. etc. Its a bit much for me. I am open to adoption but his description of his future family and all the expectations makes me a bit quesy!

  110.  #110Femininewoman on May 22, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    LL how about just accepting that you are not a match? It seems that you might be trying to convince him to change his mind. Why would you want to try convincing him?

  111.  #111Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Kyla, just for the record, you sound like you are an awesome mother!

    My sister in law is really sensitive about being a good mother too and she is an absolutely incredible mother to her two kids too!

  112.  #112Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    FW, really? that’s how it came across to you? I don’t feel like I am trying to convince him to change his mind at all, I’m trying to figure out if there’s any potential connection since the initial meeting was so great!

  113.  #113Kyla on May 22, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Thanks sweetie!!! I love you for saying that!!!

    I agree with FW, doesn’t sound like a match at all, but how cool is that he gave you something to explore? I love when my picture of what I want gets clearer and more focused 🙂

  114.  #114Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Whoa, I’m a bit taken aback by the statement ” you are not a match” as if it is a black and white fact!! Wow!!!

  115.  #115Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Regretting posting about this here. I know you all mean well but the feedback here feels really out of line sometimes!

  116.  #116Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    I’m just trying to work through some things, not have people come back with stuff like you are obviously aren’t a match when I just met the guy!

  117.  #117Kyla on May 22, 2014 at 12:33 pm

    (((Liquid Light))) Sorry you feel put off, It was the queasy feeling that made me think probably not a match. Please forgive me when you don’t like comment and keep posting anyway 🙂

  118.  #118Millie on May 22, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Well…..he cancelled on me, so that’s that.

  119.  #119Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 12:51 pm


    “LL how about just accepting that you are not a match? It seems that you might be trying to convince him to change his mind. Why would you want to try convincing him?”

    This type of feedback really isn’t helpful to me, and I request that you soften your “advice” on this blog. Technically we aren’t even supposed to give advice here and certainly this type of black and white very strident feedback is not that useful (at least to me). So please in the future, could you try to be a bit, well, more gentle with me? This isn’t the first time this has happened with you here. Thanks!

  120.  #120Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Thanks Kyla… I appreciate that!

  121.  #121Andrea on May 22, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    LL reading your speed dating experience, I feel so curious. I feel so SO curious about the motivations of men when they ask that question: “What are you looking for?”

    I right away feel like… “what are YOU looking for in an answer?”

    Ugh, it puts me on the spot. So, will you message that guy for me and just say, “One of my friends is so very curious about your question. I told her that I found you attractive and interesting and the connection was there, but once that question was answered, something went “off”. Was there some answer you were looking for? She feels so curious. I got the sense that you wanted me to know that you want another child. Was I correct in that assumption?”

    Ugh Ugh Ugh… I hate it when I have unanswered questions. And I do feel like it’s leaning forward, but I also feel like… how in the world am I ever going to know if I don’t ask.

  122.  #122Andrea on May 22, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    Ps.. I really popped on here to ask: What do we feel about this term: Dynamic Personality..
    Is that a masculine energy trait? Or feminine energy trait?

    And what about: Creative?? is that masculine energy or feminine energy??

  123.  #123Andrea on May 22, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    LL… I still feel ultra curious about what happened with “Umbrella Man”.

    We had all this fun on our flirtations online. We knew the same friends. We seemed to really connect and had some light flirtations when we met face to face.

    But no contact from him at all afterward. I feel curious and (taking it personally, of course, as I’m prone to do) do I have some reputation around town? Once he realized through his friends who I was, am I a hands off woman? How come none of his friends… who are single, his age group, and know me… have never asked me out? Did I do something wrong?

    I also feel like Tereana and what she’s going through with her “S” situation.

    It’s like… HE is the one who kind of put me down by saying that collecting my phone number was just so much work. HE is the one who is disappointing me by not calling me even after he said he had a good time and would call me. HE is the one who didn’t offer me any types of compliments except to say that he hoped there would be a kiss in our future.

    And yet… I am the one who is scratching the walls and wondering about him. Crap!!!!

    And I won’t, I won’t, I won’t… contact him. I simply refuse to. Instead I’m going to take FW’s advice to you and I’m going to say…. (this is for me, mind you, not saying it would work in your case) But…

    Why not just accept the fact that he and I are NOT a MATCH and deal with my feelings from that point.

    Well, it’s very hard to do and now I have become mildly obsessed with this crapper of a first date.

    I feel that somewhere in here is what Azure Blu was talking about… that I have some connection to this kind of feeling rejected. I have some kind of feeling that I’m used to this “why won’t this one man like me?” energy. And so, even though I don’t even really like him, he has triggered that … I need to chase. need to figure it out, need to understand, need to get him to give me some attention…

    Probably from somewhere in my past.

  124.  #124Andrea on May 22, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    Haha… blog hog here!! : )

    So, instead of using my masculine energy to sit here and try to “figure out” the thoughts and actions of Umbrella Guy. I used my masculine energy to take myself out for a quick afternoon jog.

    Through out the jog I would go into something like… “think mode”. If someone passed me by, or I jogged by a group of people.. I started to guess what they were thinking about me, got self conscious, trying to figure out what they were thinking.. (cause yeah obviously they have nothing better to do with their time than think about me jogging by right?)
    Then I realized… “Hey, I feel very masculine when I’m trying to figure out what others are thinking and then my body and feelings respond to what I think they are thinking.”

    So I used my masculine energy to silently shout, “BE!”
    “Right Now, just BE”

    And I realized… oh yes, masculine energy is here taking me jogging, keeping me safe, protecting me and aware of my surroundings…. so now feminine energy can just BE, just enjoy the jog, the muscles being used, the sun and wind on my face, the view of the lake, the sound of the blues coming from my pandora…

    Masculine energy is already jogging me, it doesn’t want to also spend time in thinking mode. I let my masculine energy thinking mode rest because masculine energy doing mode was on full blast.

    And feminine energy feeling mode felt safe to appear. Feminine energy feeling mode, being mode was ecstatic and happy and joyful on this jog and just appreciating all of ME for finally allowing masculine and feminine to be present in this moment. Masculine… doing. Feminine…. feeling, being.

    It was wonderful. Now home to shower and get to ToastMasters meeting. Umbrella guy who?????

  125.  #125Tereana on May 22, 2014 at 2:44 pm

    Emerson – I love reading how you sound when you feel confident in dating and at work. What an awesome feeling. I hope it continues no matter who shows up or disappears! 🙂

  126.  #126Tereana on May 22, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Azure Blu – this is a REALLY astute observation about the similarities between my experience with S and my experience with my mom. I feel like you “get me” so well here. Lol

    I actually drew I similar parallel for myself recently, and was thinking more on it today. Because his actions, the way he spoke, dismissed my words and feelings, accused me of things that weren’t true, etc – all in the name of gaining/regaining control, to me, it pegs him a a narcissist. He is only somewhat aware of this. He’s self-described to me his “big ego,” and that he is a “control freak.” But it’s really much more than that. Or rather, in normal mode, he’s all fine. But when the wrong wire is tripped, he goes into aistic trigger mode and it all goes to heck. At least that was what I felt like was happening. And my urge – both with him and my mom – is to want that to stop. I want to “fix.” I get entangled because I want to “help” them break out if their shells and be their real selves. What I really want is for someone to helps break out if my own d*amn shell. That’s what I want. Anyway…

    But I finally did it. After pages and pages of mental and toyed drafts of letters, I sent one simple message. I simply stated how deeply hurt I was by his words. I clarified my purpose in being there temporarily and not to build a relationship with him.

    And that was it. I stopped there.

    I could have gone into detail about this and that. I could have speculated about his motivations. But in the end, it kept starting and finishing with the same idea: I felt (and still feel) hurt.

    And that’s really it.

    I could be opening myself up to more abuse here. I could give him “ammunition” in knowing the kind of power he has over me to make me feel bad. But I decided I’m not giving him power at all. I’m taking it back. Because his only powerful control was in making me feel bad and then shouting me up and shutting me out so that I couldn’t even express how I was feeling – and then feeling like I couldn’t for fear he would label anything I said as “crazy.” I decided that his words were poisonous, and the worst thing for me was to absorb them and not be able to speak about them. So I just spoke my truth.

    I don’t know if I feel “better” now. But at least the idea if writing to him isn’t bugging me anymore. I feel like I said everything I needed to say.


    There were a few choice words. But that would not have helped and any “defense” I could launch – about my sanity, my health, or my sexiness – would feel like I was arguing too hard. I chose instead to ignore and bypass those comments. Because I KNOW they are not true. I know that he knows. But I can’t let him hurt me without saying something…

    And I always speak to people’s best selves ..,

  127.  #127Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    Andrea 120 yeah, his “what are you looking for?” question really threw me off especially because I had just met him. It threw me for a loop a bit and I kinda came up with I thought was an honest answer but I was really just trying to get through it so that it didn’t become an issue and we could get back to our initial fun/flirty interaction. Didn’t happen though. I think he was “looking for the right answer” and when I didn’t respond with that, he became less interested. Oh well. Perhaps we aren’t a good match but perhaps we are so I’m not yet ready to give up entirely. I may send him a message, I may not, but if I do and don’t get a response, or the response that I want, I won’t be that surprised.

  128.  #128Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Tereana, Are you OK with being with a control freak? I would really look at that because he’s already stated that he is a “control freak”, in his own words…And I think it was someone who posted this recently here: when someone says who they are, believe them! (Or something like that 🙂 Hang in there, girl!

  129.  #129Femininewoman on May 22, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Sorry LL that you were put off by my words. Kinda remind me of Kyla and Ninja how his texts made her feel. Hope you find your answer.

  130.  #130Femininewoman on May 22, 2014 at 3:44 pm

    Andrea – I have some connection to this kind of feeling rejected. I have some kind of feeling that I’m used to this “why won’t this one man like me?” energy

    Andrea I wonder if it is not simply human nature. Wanting what you can’t have. Maybe if he was right there in front of you, you might not want him. Who knows?

  131.  #131Liquid Light on May 22, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    FW, yeah, it is kinda similar and I chose not to sweep it under the rug…been there done that. How Kyla responds is up to her, but I know what does/doesn’t work for me. I did that with my ex too many times.

  132.  #132Tereana on May 22, 2014 at 5:49 pm

    Actually I did send one tiny reprieve. I felt a little too “oh, boo-hoo,” whiney whiney about the ouchie message I sent to S. So I sent one more. A P.S. Two tines. I called him out on his bullshit. That’s pretty much it.

    There was more I wanted to say, but I’m proud of myself for editing it down to only a couple of lines..

    Now I feel much clearer. My brain is no longer churning in circles about letters I want to write to him.


  133.  #133Tereana on May 22, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    LL – did you mean, am I okay with *him* being a control freak, or me being a control freak?

    I never disbelieved him. It was fine when it was benign and endearing. It was not okay when it crossed the line into him flipping out because I didn’t want to go his way on everything.

    Also this – speaking of control freak. I’m pretty sure that’s why he couldn’t handle me being around him so much. He stated to me several times that I kind of cause him to “lose control.” Haha ; )


  134.  #134Tereana on May 22, 2014 at 7:40 pm

    And I think I was embarrassed to post this earlier, but the second line of my email said “I am amazing, and you know it.”

    It is sooo unlike me to talk about how great I am. It feels weird. And before I sent it, I wondered if he would believe it. Them I wondered if I believed it. Then I decided to at least imagine I did; and that if I wrote it, I must believe it.

    I’ve been thinking lately that putting oneself down is actually a kind of arrogant thing to do. To think you are so special that you are horrible. And that it takes a lot of humility to acknowledge that you’re actually pretty great. It sounds counter-intuitive, but I’m seeing this in a lot of places right now. And I’m just trying it out.

    So far, so good. I don’t feel awful. And I felt (like Azure Blu was talking about), like I have to stand up and defend my little girl. Not just say I was hurt, but speak my real truth: that I am amazing.

    And it’s not about wanting him ‘back’ at all. I have plenty of men after me right now. It’s about clearing the energy so I don’t get further entangled with it…

    Thank you ladies, for all your support!!!

  135.  #135Azure Blu on May 22, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    Tereana #132
    WOW!!! I feel your insights are sooo authentic and brave!!

    “like I have to stand up and defend my little girl.
    Not just say I was hurt,
    but speak my real truth:
    that I am amazing.”
    Yay YOU!!!

    What an amazing insight…
    “putting oneself down is actually a kind of arrogant thing to do. To think you are so special that you are horrible. And that it takes a lot of humility to acknowledge that you’re actually pretty great.”

    I want to say it///\
    “I AM AMAZING”!!!
    Is this MY masculine and feminine working together?
    U R Beautiful AND Smart!!!
    Ohhh this feels SCARY’
    And Good!!!

  136.  #136Femininewoman on May 22, 2014 at 8:03 pm

    Feel the energy, and not act on it.

  137.  #137Azure Blu on May 22, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    Tereana #126
    I feel when I read this
    I feel a
    You LOVING YOU!!
    that you have gathered YOUR thoughts,
    YOUR emotions
    Carefully crafted a message that
    Feels good for YOU!!!
    And stood up for YOUR little girl!!!

    I don’t know… BUT for me.
    That act feels SOOO

  138.  #138Millie on May 22, 2014 at 9:40 pm

    Andrea 123– I feel the same way sometimes. When a man doesn’t like me, or doesn’t call, and I am into him, I wonder why…and I get hung up on it. Like with Mechanic….I’m still hung up on that guy…but he hasn’t initiated contact in months. He just “likes” my photos…I swear, when I see his name in print I get turned on and excited…..I still wonder about him….why he barely even talks to me as a friend. Probably because I showed my crazy card…I got drunk too many times….I let my emotions spill over….I had weak boundaries…
    Ugh, I’m getting upset just thinking about it.

  139.  #139Waterfall on May 24, 2014 at 5:47 am

    Morning Sirens!

    I see there is a new post up but I thought I would post here first…

    Well, I read the blog last night & weirdly I have woken up with some sort of ephiphany moment regards to feminine energy.

    I suddenly caught myself allowing myself to believe my NVs. It felt so weird.. Like for that moment in time I did NOT feel feminine..

    Like cleaning my flat I do not feel feminine, working out at the gym I do no feel feminine, scrunning my kitchen floor I do not feel feminine… The list goes on and on…

    Then I thought to myself – When do I feel feminine? And the answer is when I dressed up or with my hair and make-up done.

    In other words I don’t naturally feel feminine, and well elegant. Maybe this is something I have to work on and at least be mindful of..

    I hope this makes sense!

  140.  #140mary on May 24, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    hello RORI!


    oh my goodness… it’s brilliant.

    i love it, love it, love it!



  141.  #141Rori Raye on May 24, 2014 at 7:31 pm

    Thank you, Mary…Love, Rori

  142.  #142Indigo on May 25, 2014 at 2:34 am


    I have only just read your post 138. I think you will feel so much better when you even just *begin* letting this go.