First Ever Free Rori Raye “Have It All” Webinar (With Slides!) – Make Your Dream Real

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rori greenYou Don’t Have To Settle…

You don’t even have to choose between the things you love: You can Have It All, without giving up independence, success, fulfilling work and money – and romantic love, life-partnership and family.

It’s not an either/or.

The biggest question I’m always asked about how Business Siren works is: How, if I stay in my feminine energy – do I get anything done?”

And my answer is: Its the loveliest, simplest, most good-feeling thing in the world.

It’s about Falling In Love with the process of things, trusting yourself IN that process, and then allowing everything else to simply “take place.”

It sounds ridiculous until you try it.

Get your seat on the “Make Your Dream Real” webinar and learn Why You Don’t Have To Settle, and How you can “Have It All!” – on Saturday, May 7th at 10am PDT, 1pm EDT and 6pm Europe–>>

Essentially, the difference between “getting stuff done” like a girl, like a Siren, has everything to do with how we see pressure and stress, and the “way” in which we “do” things.

It’s all about our training as women – which tells us many LIES:

1. That men won’t love us if we’re powerful and successful out in the world, if we spend a lot of time working on what we want to work at, and if we don’t “need” them for “logistics” and to keep a roof over our head.

2. That we’ll “hate” any idea of being in a relationship with a man who doesn’t have the level of education and financial success we have – who doesn’t “work as hard.”

3. That there just isn’t enough time in a day to “do it all.”

And my answer to all of these fairy tales spun by men and taken up by us women because we’ve always been “working our way up” from “second-class” status in the world (and so many women all over the world are still little more than a man’s property, and often badly-treated property) – is this:

Having It All has NOTHING to do with “doing it all.”

In fact – “doing” is not what goes on at all for a Business Siren!

So – How do you “get stuff done” if you’re not “doing” in the “classic” way we’ve all been taught?

Just show up to the live “Make Your Dream Real” Webinar on Saturday, May 7th at 10am PST, 1pm EST, and 6pm Europe – (if you’re already signed up – Brava, can’t wait to meet you!

It’s got slides, personal stories and new Tools, you’ll get your personal questions answered, and you’ll get to experience me doing “new tech” for the first time!

Just go here to let me know you’re coming – and to pick up the free “How To Fall In Love With Chaos” worksheet Download!–>>

See you there!

Love, Rori


  1.  #1Helena Hart on May 2, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Awesome!!! 🙂

  2.  #2Femininewoman on May 2, 2016 at 12:05 pm


  3.  #3LoveToMe on May 2, 2016 at 5:14 pm

    New post!

    Apropos of nothing else, I just had a big old major “aha” moment. Perhaps there is a lot of shifting and movement going on in my life, due to my birthday being yesterday (!!!). And this one was new – and I’d like to share it.

    I was on the subway, reading some Facebook posts, and I got intrigued by a particular thread. And someone I don’t know posted a comment that really stuck out to me. He said that, with experience, he now appreciates the partners who surprise him more than the ones who “fit the fantasy.”

    And I just love this. I always want to be the partner who “surprises” someone. Actually, I want this in my whole life, with everyone. And the wise part of me wants this in relationships. But another part of me does like being “the fantasy.” Or maybe I only enjoy if because men seem to enjoy it. Man seem to make me into their fantasy. Then I ride that wave as far as it takes me. But it can only take me to shore, where it crashes.

    It’s not really a tide.

    It’s not really a river.

    It’s not even a road.

    It’s an endless revolving roller coaster at the intersection of grounded stability and mind numbing chaos. It’s a fun place, but it’s not heathy, because it doesn’t really get you anywhere. You have to be either in a boat or on the shore, I guess.

    And it might be lonely or seem boring in either place…

  4.  #4LoveToMe on May 2, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    Full disclosure: my heart still feels ripped apart by my old friend. I have just narrowly prevented myself from reaching out to him with more “information.” There is stuff I want to say, to “get it of my system.” And I reeeeally wanted to.

    But maybe that’s not what this moment is about. Maybe it is about restraint. Maybe it is about wanting to do that thing, but not, because of this knowing voice inside me, telling me it would do more damage than good – and the situation is damaged enough.

    AND…because of this other, other voice (still tinier, still smaller), saying to me that maybe it’s not as damaged as I think. Maybe all the things that feel bad – him pulling away, saying its my fault, blocking me, etc. – maybe they only feel bad because of what I think they “mean,” and maybe they don’t mean those things.

    I am not saying that I can have a relationship with this guy. Or that I want to. But (weirdly), what if it turns out he really IS the right guy for me? What if this extreme taking of space is something he has to do for him – to be with me?? What if that were true?!! Because if it was, then I really don’t want to say the things I feel like saying right now. I don’t want them on record.

    And it doesn’t matter what I have to say to him. That is information for me, really. Either way it pans out – whether it is him or someone else – this is part of my journey, to be alone. To pick the boat or walk on the shore, and not get caught up in that emotional wave pattern. This is for me to discover who *I* am, in the truest way I can. So that whatever happens next, and whoever shows up for me, in a caravan or a yacht – I’ll be ready to be the person who gets picked up, to continue on my journey, being who I am – not someone else.

    That’s the real goal. I am not “what I have to say” – I do not have to prove anything. His actions or non-actions do NOT reflect on me. That is all about him. *I* am the person who is important here.

  5.  #5LoveToMe on May 2, 2016 at 9:01 pm

    Where is everyone? So slow on the blog! I guess you are all out on dates 😉

    Happy May Day!!

  6.  #6Mandy on May 2, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    LoveToMe –

    I’m here, lol, going through my feelings and I have a lot of guys in my circle who are….leaners-back….

    Now it’s been suggested I put my own boy energy into action in order to attract a masculine man….

    That’s a concept I have trouble putting an idea with.

    I’m disabled, so is it a job? A hobby? A passion? A cause? A project?

  7.  #7Indigo on May 2, 2016 at 11:35 pm

    Love to Me,

    As I have said, I think what has happened with your old friend is a great gift. And I hope in time it will seem that way to you, and not cause you despair.

    I have found it extremely therapeutic, when I have lots of things I want to say, that really want to be out of my system, yet I think it’s probably not the right thing to say them to the person in question, to write them in an email to that person… just draft the email, get it all out, everything you want to say, pages and pages if you need to. Don’t censor yourself or hold back at all. Chances are, and what always happens with me, is by the time I reach the end of the email, when I have that release, I can see the emotion for what it is and I no longer want to send the email.

    Perhaps this friend of yours does come back. But like I also said to you, if he does, you would want it to be on very different terms.

  8.  #8Indigo on May 2, 2016 at 11:40 pm

    I’ve not been on the blog much this weekend because I’ve been having a wonderful time with J, and a bit of studying.

    I met his sister this weekend, her husband and his little nephew, and he met a few of my friends briefly at a get-together on Friday night. But aside from that we did what we always did and just adored each other’s company. Saturday was a really freezing cold rainy day and we went out for a nice hot breakfast and then spent the rest of the day in bed with sherry and documentaries. There is so, so much I could say, but I really just want to say how happy I am and how lucky I feel.

  9.  #9Azure Blu on May 3, 2016 at 5:21 am

    Indigo #8
    Hugs, hugs, hugs…. sounds so yummie, cozy relaxing…
    day in bed with an adoring man- sherry and documentaries!!!
    I’m sooo happy for yu!!!

  10.  #10Azure Blu on May 3, 2016 at 5:33 am

    I received an email from the wonderful coach, Helena Hart, this morning…
    just what I needed to read…
    here’s an excerpt and a link
    If Men Keep Disappointing You –
    ” So if you’re attracting and attracted to men who aren’t treating you well, the questions is – how are YOU treating you?

    Take a look at your “nasty voice” – the voice inside your head that’s beating you up.

    The best place to start is by forgiving that voice, embracing it, and loving it –
    and thanking it
    for trying to PROTECT YOU.
    When you do this, you’ll start to attract men who want to embrace and love you too!”

  11.  #11Indigo on May 3, 2016 at 5:36 am

    Azure Blu,

    Thank you

    He’s gorgeous too. And we said we loved each other.

    We are only constrained by ourselves when it comes to having the partner we dream of.

  12.  #12Grace on May 3, 2016 at 8:29 am

    Mandy – my OCD looooooves 3 things – cabling and dressing lights (work), creating mosaic art (cutting tons of tiny tiles and placing them one by one by one by one), and Zentangle (google it!) I don’t know if it’s my boy energy, but it sure puts that focus and need to do something repetitive to work on something that I end up feeling very very good about.

    I haven’t done mosaics for a long time, and I think that since I’m getting laminate flooring in my room now (thank you, flood!), and there are no kids in the house, I can probably get my boy energy to work on creating some space for that in my life again.

    LoveToMe – OMG YESSSS!!!! I was just thinking this about Mirror. Definitely not the fantasy, and he definitely surprises me and I love that so hard 🙂 Not only that, but I get to surprise him, and I feel like he got slammed hard with some surprises yesterday that he couldn’t stop shaking his head over and thanking me for. I was just being me in all my natural me glory, ha.

    Indigo – Also yes!!! For now I’m learning to love, appreciate, and be at peace with the ways I do constrain myself and why and I’m feeling so good about myself lately. Most of the time I can’t wipe the smile off of my face from feeling so pleased with me, lol.

  13.  #13Grace on May 3, 2016 at 8:47 am

    I’m feeling that the biggest “don’t want” coming up for me right now, is “I don’t want to BE THE ONLY SOURCE OF SEX for anyone”. It was such an incredible source of contention with T and me. He was actually so incredibly clingy and needy, and I felt turned off quite a bit of the time. There was so little affection, he did SO little for me, I was rowing the boat and feeling so tired and then obligated to have sex with him, and not having any libido. All which just made him more triggered and angry and long, long circular arguments would ensue. Which was totally stupid, because we were poly and he was free to have other sexual relationships, but he only had sex 2 other times with other women in 6 years. Hahaha I even tried to palm him off on other poly friends who could probably see what I couldn’t see and they declined.

    So, there’s that. Not sure what to do about it, except love this thought and this part of myself and trust that love will prevail.

  14.  #14Liquid Light on May 3, 2016 at 9:13 am

    Hi Sirens,

    Another strange man tale…

    I met up with a friend yesterday for lunch. Its someone I had dated briefly years ago. Turns out we’re living in the same area so we got together to catch up. He’s married now and has a son. It’s all fine with me in fact I’m happy for him.

    When we got together, he filled me in on the last almost 10 years (gulp) and how he ended up married with a child. (And he’s got another one on the way!) I was surprised since I never pictured him married with children. He always seemed like the perennial single man – very cute and with lots of female attention.

    As the lunch went on though it started to emerge that they are having some problems. He’s not feeling appreciated even though he’s bending over backwards for her and their child. I guess she’s also not being as affectionate as he would like. And then he mentions that he was thinking about asking her if she would consider an open relationship! I started squirming in my chair more than a little at this point. But I just listened and gave him encouragement regarding her and the relationship. It definitely made me uncomfortable though but was just trying to remain focused on their relationship. He said he still loves her and really seemed like he wanted to make it work.

    At the end of the lunch, as we were saying goodbye we hugged each other and I gave him a little kiss on the cheek. I don’t even think I was really thinking about it too much it just seemed natural. The kind of kiss I would give to my brother when I saying goodbye. And he kind of moved his lips towards mine. Ugh. I ignored it though and pulled away. I pretended like it didn’t happen.

    It’s disappointing. I’m not interested in any kind of sexual relationship with him whatsoever. I’m saddened by it and also a bit disgusted. That kind of behavior is certainly not attractive to say the least. And I just feel sad for his family, especially with a child on its way.

    I also feel like he hasn’t changed that much. That’s also disappointing. All the circumstances of his life changed – he’s married, has a child, lives in the country now, new job – but nothing has fundamentally changed. So sad. 🙁

  15.  #15Indigo on May 3, 2016 at 9:57 am


    Your post 13 for some reason put me in mind of my ex-husband, who was a wonderful man but he had a voracious sexual appetite and he used to make me feel guilty about not having sex with him often enough… and you can guess what that did to my libido. I actually love sex and have a healthy sex drive, but I’ve always felt it should be something that flows naturally. The instant it feels like an obligation I just feel turned off and it pushes me away. It was a major reason he and I divorced.

    I’ve noticed how wonderful a relationship is when sex does not feel like an obligation and when you’re in sync about sex. J and I do have sex but he’s never even a tiny bit pushy… it just flows from the moment when we are both into it and there are lots of times we don’t have sex and that feels natural too. It’s wonderful. The more I go through the world the more I see there’s no right and wrong, there’s only what “fits” with you.

  16.  #16Helena Hart on May 3, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Azure Blu – 10 – Just tried submitting this but it didn’t go through so I’ll try again. 🙂 Thanks for sharing this, I’m so glad my newsletter was helpful for you! I’m actually going to be doing a live video on Facebook today on this very topic, I’d love to connect with you there and answer any questions you have in real time if you can make it! It will most likely be around 4:00pm pacific time.

    I’ve been doing a series of live videos on how to stop attracting the wrong kind of men so you can attract the right one, and what you mentioned is a huge part of it – loving and accepting every part of yourself so you attract the kind of man who wants to love all of you too (and HOW to do this). Hope to connect with you there – I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback!

    Love, Helena

  17.  #17Azure Blu on May 4, 2016 at 7:44 am

    (((Grace))) #12
    LOVE this!! happy Sparkly YOU!!

    “Most of the time I can’t wipe the smile off of my face from feeling so pleased with me, lol.”

  18.  #18Azure Blu on May 4, 2016 at 7:47 am

    Helena Hart #14
    ohh… so sorry I missed your facebook live video!
    I get your emails and love to read/listen to all your helpful insights on your web site!! I’ll post comments on there.

  19.  #19Helena Hart on May 4, 2016 at 8:40 am

    Azure Blu – You can watch the replay on my Facebook page if you want to check it out, I have several live videos up there and I do a new one at least once a week. There’s a link to my Facebook page here:

    I’m so glad you’ve been enjoying my emails! I always love hearing your thoughts and insights. I’ll be sending out a newsletter soon about a free teleclass Leigha Lake and I are doing next week, maybe we’ll see you there!

    Love, Helena

  20.  #20Azure Blu on May 4, 2016 at 10:49 am

    Helena Hart #19
    Thanks so much for the link! Yes, i’ll check it out…
    I would love to attend the teleclass with you and Leigha!
    You’re tools have helped me so much!

  21.  #21Helena Hart on May 4, 2016 at 10:54 am

    Azure Blu – That’s so great to hear!! 🙂 I’ll send out an email with the info for the free teleclass this weekend, we’d love to see you there!

    Love, Helena

  22.  #22Lilybelly on May 4, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    It sure is quiet around here these days…

    Rough day. Saw the attorney this morning. I can sell both car and bike tomorrow, since they are mine. He wants to continue to pay me for the bike and car which would mean I would be tied to him for five more years!!!

    And he wants me to keep his dog, that he has had since a pup. She’s 11now and getting slower every day.

    This is not him. This dog is everything to him.

    I feel so conflicted about the dog. I love her too and she is very attached to me. When I went to England for work in September, she was sick the entire time. So sick, he thought she was going to die before I got home. I got home and she literally sat on my lap. She’s a rottie. On my lap.
    The next day she was already starting to form healthier poos.

    I think he thinks if he takes her, she is going to die and he couldn’t have that on his hands..there are already enough casualties.

  23.  #23Lilybelly on May 4, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    12. She’s 12…almost 13.

  24.  #24Grace on May 4, 2016 at 7:45 pm

    Aw, Lilybelly…I wish I could hug your pain away. This sounds so stressful, I remember how crazy and out of control I felt when I was being gaslighted and I wish I had sage wisdom to offer, but really the only way out is through and you sound like you have as good a handle on things as you possibly can.

  25.  #25Grace on May 4, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    Interesting interaction with Mirror today. He asked me about a booty call, and I felt totally happy and down for it, and we got to some sexy talk and I was feeling really turned on. Then…stuff changed, and he ended up not being where he thought he was going to be, but still offered to get a room on his side of town, which I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable driving there. It felt like ‘chasing’ and I didn’t want that.

    At first I felt mad, and told him how I felt, then we just chatted about other stuff. I felt angry and I couldn’t keep it out of my voice, I did slip into a bit of feeling critical and “make-wrong”. My story was…”Mirror prioritizes everyone else over me.” I also had a story about being taken for granted, not appreciated, lots of other little minor stories to go along with it all. I put his number in my spam filter, and mentally came up with all of the reasons I should Never See Him Again and started rehearsing them all.

    Then I caught myself and did The Work on my stories.
    Are they true? How do I feel when I believe those thoughts? I saw how I go to punitive thinking when I feel hurt or feel bad. It felt bad and painful, to go from feeling so turned on and looking forward to a good lay, to that not happening. So therefore I must be a victim of something Mirror was doing, right?

    The way things turned out, though, is that I ended up staying at work way later than expected, so not only did I make more money, but I got to show off some of my skills that I hadn’t been able to show before. Not only that, but I got to spend a lot of time with the guys I work with, one of them hanging out with me all over the place and us just having a real, fun, bonding conversation, developing our friendship. On the way out, I had another good conversation and got some good advice from a co-worker about stepping up in my job a bit.

    Aaaand, not only that, but I have a paper due tomorrow that I get to work on tonight, and if I had run off for the booty call, it would have been fun but I wouldn’t have felt as centered, grounded and focused on me and my life as I do now. So, actually, it all worked out for me. I also ended up having a fun and connecting conversation with Mirror, where I was able to feel a lot softer about some things and communicate from that place better than before, and feel more heard without getting off into explaining. I ended up feeling more cared for and cherished than if everything had gone as originally planned.

    happythankyoumoreplease 🙂

  26.  #26Grace on May 4, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    I’m also signed up for Rori’s webinar and feeling excited! Plus, I finally bought the Business Siren’s Handbook. I haven’t made the time to read it all just yet, I expect it to be quite useful though. Already the idea of falling in love with chaos and the “open the doors” tools are making life feel quite flowy and easier.

  27.  #27LoveToMe on May 4, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    Grace – I love your honesty (with yourself) in 13.

    And 25 – wow!! The “make-wrong” mode, and telling stories about how he prioritizez other things/people, he does xyz… I so do all of that. You could have been narrating MY inner dialogue on a number of occasions. That story is getting to be like an old, boring, broken record. Sheesh.

    Thank you for reminding me about “the work.” I hadn’t used that one in a while. But I certainly have a lot of “work” to do on myself. I love how you turned it all around to get to a better place inside yourself. I really aspire to that.

    And I confess I feel a bit envious and mystified. You mentioned that you were angry with Mirror, and talked about it, but then ended up just chatting. That literally never happens with me. Once I feel anger and it enters the conversation, then that is where the conversation stays. I don’t get less angry, and the other person usually gets more angry back at me, and in some cases ends the entire relationship. It’s happened multiple times, and not just with my “friend” most recently. So I feel mystified as to the mechanism by which people can possibly feel anger without it destroying the relationship at hand like an emotional nuclear bomb…because that would be super nice for me to experience.

  28.  #28LoveToMe on May 4, 2016 at 9:24 pm

    Ladies, I took a huge and brave step for ME today. I feel so good about it. I have to really TRUST that I know what I’m doing and that the universe will have my back as I keep working toward what’s good. It is such a good feeling. I feel so free and creative and alive.

    I love this feeling

    I want to keep it going…

  29.  #29LoveToMe on May 4, 2016 at 9:26 pm

    I don’t know why it wrote “prioritizes” with a “z” – it looks super funny

  30.  #30Indigo on May 4, 2016 at 10:44 pm

    LoveToMe 27,

    “Once I feel anger and it enters the conversation, then that is where the conversation stays. I don’t get less angry, and the other person usually gets more angry back at me, and in some cases ends the entire relationship.”

    This is something it took a while for me to realise, but it all has to do with how you say it, where you’re coming from and the nature of your relationship with that person. Two people can say the same thing and it can land totally differently with the person they are speaking to. I’m talking about safety, and this is something I speak about a lot and I feel it is too little spoken about. It’s like a hidden secret of relationships – a lot of people will try to make you think that if you only use the right words then the other person will hear you. No. If you have safety in your relationship then you will be able to communicate without destroying the relationship. That is why I often caution ladies here, before they speak, to ask themselves if they have reached that point with the man where they have the safety to say those things. Because if you don’t, you end up getting hurt. Pretty much every time.

    Safety is generally something that takes a while to achieve – a period of time where you connect with each other and build that feeling of safety. It’s also about not attaching “loaded energy” to your communication – that feeling that this one thing could make or break the relationship. Asking myself whether I feel safe to proceed with what I want to say, rather than just blurting it out has literally revolutionised the way I communicate. Safety doesn’t always mean what you say will be well-received – but it does mean you know the relationship won’t end over it.

    I am going off on a bit of a tangent here, and maybe not all of this is meant for you, but this is something I’ve been wanting to say.

    For example, I have a very high degree of safety with J – firstly because we are nearly two months into our relationship and he communicates with me every day and sets aside a lot of time to spend with me, and he has done that consistently. Secondly, he creates a safe space for me to communicate with him by telling me how much he cares about me and how important trust and honesty is to him and by the fact that he opens up about himself. Finally, he never gets angry or reacts negatively when I tell him what’s on my mind or heart from a clear, well-meaning place.

    Would I have this same sense of safety with a man who was inconsistent, not making a lot of effort, vague, casual? Someone whom I spent hours and hours wondering how he felt about me?

  31.  #31Lilybelly on May 5, 2016 at 3:33 am


    Did I catch somewhere that Mirror is married?

  32.  #32Azure Blu on May 5, 2016 at 4:59 am

    Lillybell #22
    Geee… so difficult to be making all these decisions about what to sell…
    To me it looks like You are loving YOU
    by talking to an attorney…
    taking steps to get back on YOUR horse
    and NOT drag out the amount of time you would have to see him by Not selling these items…
    Yay to taking action
    for self love and
    using your boy energy to
    accomplish these tasks!!

    Who gets the dog is a really big deal…
    If she got terribly sick the last time you were gone…
    13 is very old for a large dog like a Rottie!
    You’re doing GREAT Lillybell!
    Sunshine, lollypops and rainbow wishes I am sending your way!

  33.  #33Grace on May 5, 2016 at 5:55 am

    Lilybelly – yes, stuck on something in the process of divorce. He is Lanky…interesting that I changed his name because I felt ashamed that I actually apologized to him after telling him I felt done and haven’t stopped seeing him. I’d rather just feel my way through it and trust that the situation will resolve itself than put myself through the crazymaking flip-flopping again.

    I realize this may be triggering and painful in light of what you’ve been through, and I appreciate you asking, thank you.

  34.  #34Grace on May 5, 2016 at 8:09 am

    I haven’t had a wink of sleep, and I have a paper to write and an event to set up this afternoon. I stepped up at work and feel incredibly vulnerable to be getting out of my comfort zone.

    I was breathing through all of the feelings after posting, asking myself what is true, what do I really feel?
    I felt so vulnerable and weak. So very, very weak. I poured love on my weakness, opened up to it and then I felt a wide, raw pain in my heart (which is nothing new, ha, seems like it’s always hurting). I felt so vulnerable in that pain. I feel tired of feeling like someone that somebody can throw away so easily. I sobbed and sobbed and dragged my butt to the shower so I could get on with my day and let myself sob in the shower.
    What happened to that weakness that felt like it turned to strength?? Haha, Idk, I felt like total mush.

    Actually, even with the feelings over stuff yesterday, Mirror is coming more and more forward and I don’t want to shut that down, precisely because it *is* triggering, it is bringing me back to my own heart more and more. So, maybe I need to post privately about stuff with him because I don’t feel like inviting judgment and I trust myself.

    Ultimately I’m feeling the surface of a hidden need, to feel like a priority.
    I don’t know what to do about it, if anything, but it feels good to feel that revealed from my heart.

  35.  #35Grace on May 5, 2016 at 8:13 am

    I feel like maybe I am learning to swim or surf a little bit in that huge rush of “love” feelings. I just need to keep reminding myself, thank you Azure, that I LOVE MYSELF MORE.

  36.  #36Grace on May 5, 2016 at 8:14 am

    Oh, and SQUEE! I graduate next week. I am in awe of myself that I completed the program! From feeling so terrified to actually working in my new career….wow.

  37.  #37Lilybelly on May 5, 2016 at 9:57 am

    Thank you, Grace.

    I don’t feel strong enough to process my feelings here as this is a huge trigger for me so I will be on my way again.

    No judgments from me at all, however.

  38.  #38Femininewoman on May 5, 2016 at 11:38 am

    Sorry about that Lilybelly.

    I know Rori is not about that too

  39.  #39Azure Blu on May 5, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    WOW!! Congratulations of getting your degree!!!
    huge to be working in your career already! BIG fireworks!!!

    Yeah.. I do understand what you are trying to process with Mirror… I also did this while going through the on again off again with Spirit… we were both dating others most of the time…
    Most people thought I was craz…
    me too sometimes…
    But all I knew was that I was getting some AMAZING insights into LOVING ME
    as i STAYED in the present and DIDNT run away from him..
    I am learning sooo much reading how you are processing and growing through this…
    I’d love it if you thought you could keep sharing!!
    You sound amazing!

  40.  #40Lilybelly on May 5, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Lilibelly *****I of course told him that I read them and wanted to know what was going on. He gave me some excuse about trying to get back at her and see if she was reaching out to me…and that all of what he had written was a lie. He was incredibly sincere. And because I loved him and we were three weeks from the wedding, I believed there was no N.******

    Whichever way I read it, it’s about lying. If I marry a man after I experimented him lying, then I must accept the idea of lies filling my life with him. Signing a marriage contract will not change him.

    Whichever way I read it, I sense drama and toxicity and I feel pulled to walk away from the engagement.

    Either I believe what is written in the emails and I leave the relationship because I don’t want to marry a man who needs two women and who hides his needs from me.


    I believe the man when he says he wrote lies in the emails, and I leave the relationship anyway because:

    – I don’t want to marry a man who mentions my name in lies to his friends. I expect my husband to keep my name clean and to use my name only to brag about our happiness.

    – I don’t want to marry a man who tells in my back that he secretly dates another woman, that I am not enough for his romantic life. I don’t want secrets around my marriage and I just don’t want him to ruin the picture by putting another woman’s name in the picture. I don’t care if the woman does not exist, it just feels dirty. I don’t want a dirty picture of my marriage.

    – I don’t want to marry a man who plays trick on the people he pretends to be friends with. It feels dirty and dangerous. When is he going to do it to me too? And where from is going to come the respect and trust to our family, if my husband lies to his friends?
    I want a honest clean husband, who shows respect for himself by respecting his friendships and by respecting his relationship with me in the words he uses when he speaks of our relationship.

    – I don’t want to marry a man who feels the need to get back at his ex wife with stories about secret affairs. What has that got to do with me? If she still is the trigger to his needs to prove his worst, I leave them both to their games, I move away to a space where I can be the trigger to a man’s need to prove his best.


  41.  #41Zara on May 5, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    Lillibelly *How could a smart woman be sucked in to this to the degree that I have been? Did he target me? How was I so easy? And the big one. What did I do to deserve this?*

    An asteroid is falling, aiming at where I am standing.
    An asteroid got caught in the orbit of earth and the law of attraction pulls it towards the ground, and the mystery of the whole system directs it towards where I am standing.
    Do I judge myself as deserving to be chosen by the asteroid?
    Do I even think the asteroid chose me specially among all people, so it could smash me?
    It is how universe works and the “why me?” is none of my business in that moment of crisis. The asteroid and I are both innocent of the attraction that pulls the asteroid towards where I am standing. And we are both innocent of the nature of the asteroid that smashes anything that happens to stand where it’s going to land.

    Do I judge myself guilty for standing where I am at?
    It is a piece of ground, just as good as any other. It is where I am standing, showing myself to the world, putting myself under the bright light of the sun so to be hit by love. My intention is love. I am innocent of anything else that hits me but love.

    Do I hear my inner system telling me to look up in the sky?
    And so, I looked and my eyes saw the emails that were pointing at the asteroid coming. It was clearly written with the name of another woman and all.

    Do I try to rationalise it while I keep standing exactly in the same spot, looking at the asteroid coming towards me, while I keep working at building a home right there and then?
    In an ideal world, NO!!!!!!!
    I step aside, and because I don’t know how big can an asteroid be, I move far away from where I am standing. I stop everything, I just stop everything and I move away. I don’t hold on the plans I was making, my plans are already the past when an asteroid is aiming at where I am standing. I just leave.

    In a realistic world, though, it all depends how my feelings and my mind are connected together. And I do my best with the type of connection I have at the time of the crisis. I might ignore my inner system and rationalise in order to justify why I don’t drop my plans and leave this place that is attracting this asteroid. I might dissociate and observe the show as an outsider. I might a lot of different things. I do my best. I can not do better than what is my best.
    Am I guilty for doing my best? NO!!!!!
    As a human being, I am programmed to do what is my best moment after moment.

    And to learn from each moment so that my best keeps morphing for the best.


  42.  #42Lilybelly on May 5, 2016 at 4:15 pm


    I knew it was you writing as me. Thank you, you drew me in as you thought you would. Xxx

    I will be printing your words to carry with me through this journey. Of course you know, I am deeply pained. Some may say, what did you think would happen?” Or, I am shocked your shocked and then shut me out..leaving me to also feel that loss as well.

    But didn’t I do what I had healed myself for when I first came here those years ago? Didn’t I learn to love again? I did and boy, did I love. I love so much that is why it physically hurts so much. Isn’t that what I wanted and did the hard work for?

    I believe it is and I believe by that count, I am successful. Loving someone that much does come with a risk but the rewards are worth it. We had an immense amount of fun and wonderful, loving moments. I rode over 12,000 miles through America on the bike of A motorcycle. And I loved it. We shared deep, intimate moments where he bared as much as he could to me, the story that gave him PTSD and ruined him for life…at least in his eyes. I have felt compassion, admiration and deep sorrow for has war wounds.

    I taught him to notice the sky. The sunsets and rises. He never did that before me but now, he takes a picture when I wasn’t there with nine and sends it to me so I can enjoy it too. Going to a hospital, risking a trigger event but going anyway because my mom didn’t know who she was..
    Making me soup when I was so sick in February and going out to get me ice cream too.

    Always let me have what I wanted, made me dinner when I worked late and wouldn’t let me clean up. Notes on the fridge telling me how much my heart helps his..

    I have a million more memories that I will keep.

    I did good.

  43.  #43Lilybelly on May 5, 2016 at 4:17 pm

    And Zara, thank you for bringing me to the points I made above.

    I just processed hugely and I just lost 40 pounds from my shoulders.


  44.  #44LoveToMe on May 5, 2016 at 7:55 pm

    Lillybelly – that is interesting about the dog, that he would want you to have her. I can think of a couple of possible motives. Yes, she is getting older. If the dog is “everything” to him, maybe he can’t bear to see her get so old and die. One the other hand, if it were my pet, I would never in a million years hand them off in old age. My cat is 14, going on 15 this summer. I love her so much, and I appreciate having her every second. I would never send her off, just because she is old. But we have a very death-fearing culture. Most people just aren’t taught how to cope with it. So that’s a legit thought. You may be right on that.

    However, it gives me an icky feeling, even if that’s the case. Like he knows she will need more care and attention, and he doesn’t want to do that, so he’s passing the responsibility on to you. And I hate when people don’t take responsibility for their stuff. Hate it. Lol

    And then, reason #3 is, maybe seeing how she responded to you, he understands that age will be happier staying with you. If so, this is a very humane choice, on his part – and surprising, considering what I know if him (little though it is).

    But what you posted about the dog being sick while you were away…he sounds like a stressful guy. Maybe it was partly that she missed you and partly she was stressed out by him. Animals are sensitive and their bodies react to that. And knowing that, maybe it would make sense for you to take the dog – only because it might be the best thing for her. But it would be good to make this clear. Maybe if you take the dog, he should still be responsible for most if not all of the care taking and medical costs you’ll have to pay

  45.  #45Millie on May 6, 2016 at 1:37 am

    I feel frustrated with myself because I see myself inadvertently punishing men when I don’t get what I want. I loathe this quality about myself and am completely aware now when I’m doing it. “Ice Queen” if you will. A friend told me recently that a male friend of hers (who I had met several times) used to have a crush on me, but I had rejected him. I don’t remember ever feeling or noticing his interest, and I don’t remember rejecting him. Anyway, now when I have seen him, of course I think of it, and am paying more attention. I still don’t feel like he is interested, and that makes me feel angry. I want him to be. It makes me feel angry that I want to control someone. I don’t want to be controlling. I don’t want to be unable to accept reality and let someone make decisions about what is best for them. I found myself getting cold, quiet, and distant with him when he flirted with another girl and when he mentioned he was seeing someone. I don’t like myself when I get this way. I want to be in the moment, move through my feelings, and turn the opportunity into a good feeling one, into a flirty one, lure him in with sun, not sadness. I don’t have that skill set yet because time and time again, I find myself getting cold and frozen with men when I feel disappointed. History repeats itself.

    Anyway I have another date tmrw with a new guy who I feel pretty excited about and plans with my guy friend T on saturday. I think he is getting a little possessive of me and seems to want me to choose spending time with him over other dates. I kinda like that he is being that way with me. It makes for good tension and flirting, haha.

  46.  #46Lilybelly on May 6, 2016 at 2:36 am

    Lillibelly 22

    You can keep the dog to make sure she is well taken care of, so that you feel in alignment with the love you projected on the dog. You can do it for your own sake.

    Don’t do anything anymore because “he” said or “he” wants or you think “he” thinks. This is leaning towards his inner world, leaving yours unattended. Practice self centertedness. Make choices in alignment with your inner system. And write it all down in legal documents.

    So, if keeping this old dog comfortable is healing to your heart, do it. Do it because it is healing to your heart, forget what it does to his.

    If keeping this old dog comfortable does not feel healing, then don’t do it. Stay out of it. It’s his dog, his responsibility. There are plenty of old dogs to take care of on this planet, you can be good to any other old dog, it does not have to be his.

    Whatever the decision, have it written by the lawyer on a legal document.
    If he keeps the dog and anything weird or costly happens in a couple of months, you don’t want to leave space for him to attack you legally to help him pay for anything on the account the dog has been both your pet within the marriage.

    If you keep the dog, you want a legal document that says the dog his entirely his, has always been from before he met you, and that he keeps the entire responsibility to pay ALL the bills for her regular food, grooming, baby sitting plus the vet bills until her death and that HE WANTS her to be living with you and he is giving up his rights to visit her.


  47.  #47Zara on May 6, 2016 at 4:00 am

    42 lilibelly *I knew it was you writing as me*

    Oh! I understand what you mean, now! I had not seen that my post 40 is posted under the name of Lilibelly instead of under the name of Zara and now my post 46 again.

    I don’t know how your name got pasted in the name box. Sorry about that.

    I wonder how the blog did not stop my posts from being published under your name. It used to be that when the name did not correspond to the email address, the post would be kept in moderation.

    I did not mean to interchange the names. It feels weird. I feel glad you gave that glitch a meaning that serves you. Thank you.


  48.  #48Lilybelly on May 6, 2016 at 4:37 am


    I am pleased it worked out this what. However it happened, it worked to help me to process some of this. Universe?

    Know that I’m open to your thoughts on all this and am reading every word you write.

    Yesterday, he ended the affair.

  49.  #49Femininewoman on May 6, 2016 at 6:23 am

    “Yesterday, he ended the affair.”

    Stay grounded in yourself and on your side (((((((((Lilybelly)))))))))))

    Next week I will be in Florida attending the funeral of a young lady who I watched grow up. Her husband in his anger decided to kill her and himself after a divorce.

  50.  #50Lilybelly on May 6, 2016 at 11:14 am

    I am trying, FW..I am trying.

    I honestly don’t trust myself right now and that is quite a challenge.

  51.  #51LoveToMe on May 6, 2016 at 4:53 pm

    Indigo –

    I know that I appreciate what you wrote to me in #30. I’m having a hard time reading it right now. First, my NV’s are jumping in – “how you say it…” Oh my G-d, I KNOW it’s all in how you say it. I knew it when I was five years old and used to watch my mom tear everyone apart over stupid stuff, and it could have been communicated so much better. I know that so well, I know it better than anyone. I could write the book on it. And yet – ahhhhhhhh. Is it my fault? Is the whole thing MY fault, because I could have been more “gentle,” more accommodating, and spoken in more lovely tones?

    Oh, honey, honey, honey. You weren’t even there. You don’t know how honey, filled my voice was, even when I was seething with anger beneath the surface. You don’t know how “well” I communicated. Or if I didn’t.

    I just refuse to blame myself, at this point. I refuse to see my reaction to him as my fault and my problem. Rather, it was information. I’ve said it before, but I believe it even more now. I was reacting that way because HE wasn’t treating me well. And if I called him out on it and asked to be treated better, he either flat out refused, or got angry and says that I was “attacking” him. And I refuse to be gaslighted. He called it an “attack.” I call it “speaking my truth.” If speaking my truth constitutes an “attack,” then Houston, we have a problem.

    And the second thing that starts to trigger me until I have to look away: safety.

    I feel jealous of all of you who can feel “safety.” I can imagine that I know what that feels like. But the truth is, I have no f*cking clue. I’ve never felt it before – not with another person. No matter how much I start to trust someone, there is an underlying feeling that I might not actually be safe.

    The only place where I know how to be safe is with myself, alone, in my room, with my cat. Once someone else enter the picture, or the room, all sense of safety disappears.

    I am only safe here on the blog because you dear ladies don’t know who I am. I get to show you just as much as I want to, and not anymore. I can bare things to you because while I write to you, I am still alone, in my room, or out in public. I think publicly to you, but they are still my private thoughts.

    I feel raw today. Raw and irritable. People and sounds are aggravating me. It could be the weather. It could be that I am starting to get PMS. I have little patience and a lot of aggravation. And I want to stay home and do nothing but curl up and watch TV. Instead, I am out watching an opera. But it will still be nice. I hope I can make it through to the end…

  52.  #52Liquid Light on May 6, 2016 at 5:21 pm

    Would love to get your take on this, Sirens…

    I was on an online dating site and ran across someone’s profile that I dated over a year ago briefly. At that time, we went out on two dates. On the second date, he took me out wine tasting and then to a nice dinner. I had a good time, but when he was driving me home, he went past my exit and then took *his* exit instead, and this was after I told him I didn’t want to go back to his place. I was really upset when I realized what he was doing. Anyway, I insisted he drive me home and he did. Needless to say the date ended on a bad note and I didn’t see him again.

    Anyway, I ran across his profile again recently and checked it out. He had put up a new photo and it caught my eye. Then he pinged me to say hello. We chatted a bit, and he asked me out again. I’m inclined to say yes but am wondering if what happened previously on our last date a red flag?

    Thanks for any thoughts about this, Sirens!

  53.  #53Lilybelly on May 7, 2016 at 6:11 am

    I believe I wouldn’t grace him with me presence again, LL.

  54.  #54Grace on May 7, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    LoveToMe – My experience is, it isn’t the delivery, it’s just that the right people stay and the wrong ones don’t.

    I also look to myself – where do *I* walk out on family, lovers, friendships if I feel someone has said something that feels like an attack? And why?

    There is a clue I see where I may be out of tune with myself if I am saying something dripping with honey, but inside I am actually seething with anger.

  55.  #55Grace on May 7, 2016 at 8:31 pm

    I feel gutted…and cleansed a bit.
    Mirror called me yesterday and I told him I’m not available for meeting up with him anymore, and we had a passionate conversation that was also sweet and amusing. He later texted me that he misses me already and I told him, GOOD. 🙂

    I’ve had a good cry. I get that on the surface, it seems I was overinvested leading to feeling so much, but it isn’t really about him, it’s all old stuff getting restimulated and this was the trigger.

    I cried and cried in front of the mirror, bathing my ugly crying face in love, haha. Apologizing to myself for being so weak, and feeling as if this “weak” part of myself has been a shadow part, some aspect I was somehow aware of but not at the same time. Loving my weakness, hugging myself, telling myself I love you over and over in the mirror.

    So here’s stuff that I’m noticing…Mirror was saying how his wife never told him he was attractive so it was hard for him to believe he was attractive (setting aside the probability for the moment that he was spinning the story…because we know how that goes…), in the moment, I just got all loud and mad and was saying SO WHO THE F*CK IS SHE THAT WHAT SHE THINKS IS WHAT’S TRUE OR EVEN WHAT MATTERS? WHAT DO YOU THINK?? And upon reflection, I was thinking how …my father used to tell me that I’m not good for anything but f*cking, and not even good for that because I was so ugly. And I’m thinking…how in the beginning, Mirror was seeing a future with me, and talking about his thoughts about it, nothing so farfetched that it seemed like future-faking, but enough that it seemed he was working out how to finalize his divorce, but then…through various twists and turns we got to bootycalling, where I certainly felt more comfortable and it seemed he was also way more comfortable.

    So I wonder…if that subconscious imprint is just that deep, that I managed to create a situation where I was only good for sex. Again.
    And if so…how the HECK do I change that?? CAN I even change it? Is this just how it’s going to be the rest of my life?

    At any rate, at least through all of this, I felt I was always real and always ME. I didn’t pretend I was ok with anything I really wasn’t, I didn’t pretend I felt anything I didn’t feel or hide any feelings. I felt like I could totally be myself and wasn’t different with him than I normally am day to day, so there is that. Plus I feel quite grateful to have felt that harmony, fun, and light-hearted playfulness with a man, and also grateful to have had fun, frolicky sex for the first time in decades. I also feel grateful that this has only lasted a few months rather than a few years.
    Hoo. Ray.

  56.  #56Indigo on May 8, 2016 at 4:00 am

    Love To Me 51,

    “You don’t know how honey, filled my voice was, even when I was seething with anger beneath the surface.”

    This is a huge clue to you, right here. That you can interpret for yourself. This is not about using sickly sweet, gentle language or sugarcoating the truth. I’m amazed you could even think I was saying that, considering how I talk on the blog. It’s about saying something in such a way that it lands in a good, truthful way with the other person, and doesn’t hold your relationship hostage and leave you feeling bad and hurt at the end of it.

    I agree with Grace in #54 that the right person will stay (for the most part) and the wrong person will leave, but it doesn’t end there. Everyone who comes across our path is there to teach us something, even the ones who leave, maybe especially the ones who leave.

    I’m sorry that you think this is about blaming yourself, or not. This is another huge clue for you right here. For me, it’s not about blame. Blame is a pointless exercise in wasting time and energy. Blame or not blame is what separates us from the truth of who we are and the truth of who the other person is. I don’t even bother with the blame game any more. I ask myself what works or what doesn’t. If I want to be in a relationship with a man I need to learn how they actually work, not how I’d like them to work. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learnt about relationships is that when you are in one, the relationship has to be the winner, not me and not him. And that often means holding my tongue.

    Again, take what I’ve said if it resonates, and don’t if it doesn’t, I’m not bothered either way.

    Finally about feeling safety… I can certainly relate to the feeling of not feeling safe with anyone. However that feeling absolutely CAN and DOES come with time with the right person. It takes time and building it, one moment, one day at a time, brick by brick until you have a house. And it’s a wonderful feeling. And there are definitely people in this world worth doing it for.

  57.  #57Liquid Light on May 8, 2016 at 10:05 am

    Lilybelly 53, Thank you. I think you are right, that’s exactly what I’ve decided to do.

  58.  #58Liquid Light on May 8, 2016 at 10:54 am

    Asia and to the others here that are experiencing this…

    I’m working with a Love Coach now and told her about my experiences with my ex and with a recent CD I just posted about (the one who deliberately drove to his exit and not mine off the freeway).

    She recommended a book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I just ordered it.

    Its about trusting your instincts and intuition when it comes to men. Too many of us women don’t trust our natural instincts with men and doubt our innate “alarm bell” when it comes to potentially dangerous or toxic men. I know I’ve done this on several occasions especially with my ex. And I don’t want to make those same mistakes again.

  59.  #59Lilybelly on May 8, 2016 at 11:16 am

    Love the book recommendation, LL. I’m adding it to my list for the summer.

  60.  #60Grace on May 8, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    Indigo – beautifully put and thank you for continued inspiration.

    I also appreciate the inspiration! I see where I experienced EVERYTHING, omg everything! that I’ve been practicing in my ‘feelingizations’, with Lanky, and am noticing where to make a few tweaks. My focus HAS been primarily sexual, I learned from Lanky how subconsciously I was needing sexual validation. That was all delicious and good…and…now I have an even better idea of how I want to practice feeling. I found another Abraham-Hicks recording that really nails it that is very simple so I’m looking forward to playing with that.

    Liquid Light – I checked out the reviews for The Gift of Fear, and I feel a little chagrined to realize I allowed myself to be manipulated. From the first time I told him not to contact me again, and he asked if we could talk about it….I was conscious of, and especially in our last conversation, quite amusedly aware, of how I was sending the message that my boundaries were up for negotiation. I knew I was vulnerable to manipulation because of feeling so stressed, isolated, lonely, in so much pain, and because it’s just been SO long since I last felt closeness or had sex.

    Fortunately this time around, I didn’t feel the need to argue ad infinitum and let it be ok if he didn’t understand my choices without explaining til I was blue in the face the way I’ve done in the past.

  61.  #61Dixie on May 8, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    Ohhh, regarding the book “The Gift of Fear”: I remember when the author spoke about this book on his visit to Oprah, at least 10 years ago.

    The messages in the book were SO powerful. If you can’t get a hold of the book, I’d recommend at the least to watch the episode online. I remember some of the examples he used where real women “brushed aside” their intuition, trying to rationalize their unsafe feelings. Chilling. Definitely worth watching, definitely worth sharing with the women in your lives.

  62.  #62Azure Blu on May 9, 2016 at 5:37 am

    “This Above All… To Refuse to be A Victime” Margaret Atwood

  63.  #63Azure Blu on May 9, 2016 at 6:42 am

    Liquid Light!
    Yay!! Don’t give this guy another chance!
    Sooo many wonderful men waiting to meet you.

  64.  #64Azure Blu on May 9, 2016 at 7:16 am

    Zara #40
    LOVE THIS! Sooo perfect for me right now!
    Thank you

  65.  #65Tee on May 9, 2016 at 7:53 am

    Sharing. I haven’t been around much because I’ve been focusing on myself but I have a few thoughts. I’m not entirely sure but I feel like I haven’t been my true authentic self. Or better yet, I haven’t been using my words.

    I’ve been in lean back mode. And while things have been ok, it dawned on me (duh) that it would be helpful to actual EXPRESS some things & not sit silently like I’m on some midnight bus ride.

    Fear of intimacy I think. Not wanting to push myself out of my/our zone.
    I’m gonna go back and read some of Rori’s stuff.

    I need an awesome translator
    E sent me another interesting text at 4am Mother’s Day.

    ■Mrs.Latesha Darsheezie H*****With All My Heart
    There’s No Word’s That Can Define
    How Much I Love You
    I Know I Get On Your Nerves All The Time
    And Downgrade You 2 The Fullest
    You Are Humble In Your Own Little Way
    How You Express What You Really Want To Say To Me
    I See It And You Know That I See It
    But You Are, And Is The Love Of My Life And My Wife Beyond Paper
    So That’s Why I’m Saying I Love You

    Happy Mother’s Day Stimy■

    My initial response was to dismiss the whole thing & focus on the fact that I didn’t get anything from him at all for Mother’s Day but I thought…well this isn’t exactly Nothing.

    MY take on this is that he knows when he’s full of s***, and he knows that I know that he’s full of s*** but he’s glad that I don’t rub his face in it.

    I feel stuck in the middle. I feel like I want more from him & using my words/feeling messages can get me there. Yet I think I’m also “afraid” of the type of intensity that E could lay down on me as well lol


  66.  #66Femininewoman on May 9, 2016 at 9:09 am

    Tee sounds like fear of engulfment.

    I love what he wrote and it sounds sincere to me. My question is have you discussed marriage and he suggested that he does not want to be married?

  67.  #67Tee on May 9, 2016 at 9:29 am

    Yeah ENGULFMENT does sound scary.
    We’re engaged but there hasn’t been any talk lately of setting a date.

    I know there’s nervousness on my end. Not nervousness in the sense that I think it’s a mistake but more like a standing-and-talking-in-front-of-a-room-full-of-people type nervous.

    Maybe he senses that?

  68.  #68Azure Blu on May 9, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    Tee #65
    Hee Hee!! I LOVE THIS!!
    So very poetic and it really conjures up a cool image..
    “actual EXPRESS some things & not
    sit silently like I’m on some midnight bus ride.”
    NICE!! :-))

    Wow… sounds good that you have been in a lean back mode…
    I don’t know… for me… I vasilate between leaning back receiving and appreciating…
    and then-all of a sudden realize there are some things I need to share about how I am feeling and
    try and do that as best I can…
    discovering within myself how i want to approach the issue… practice some scripts… watch my feelings when the issue does come up… see what part is mine… and then sometimes I just blurt it out…

    One thing I really want to bring up is… He went through my text messages when I was VERy sick this weekend… I knew I had received some texts but they were already read…
    I dont’ like that…
    I wanted to bring it up when we went out of Sunday evening… but couldn’t find a good time…
    so instead the issue of me watching MY shows when we’re together got talked about…
    I feel good Spirit and I were able to work on that…
    Sigh… :-))

  69.  #69Tee on May 9, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    I don’t think I share enough. Yet, I’m not sure exactly what am I supposed to share? E still complains that I don’t talk to him. I’m like, Ummm about what?
    I talk when there’s something to say.

    Then I also need the space to talk.
    I tend to mull things over in my head so it might take awhile/a day lol before I feel like sharing.

    As for E, he’s already coming through the door after work talking. He practically talks in his sleep lol and he’s not really (according to him) much of a talker.

    I’ve tried to explain to no avail. Some days are better than others. I seem to open up more when he specifically asks me something. So maybe I need to encourage him in that respect?

    “I feel really good when you ask me about my day”….something like that 🙂

    I just feel like I can’t JUST stick to leaning back, there’s so many other cool tools that I’m not using!

    I’m trying to incorporate more of what he likes. Not to the exclusion of myself but just to see & take notes.

    He prefers that I call & not text.
    He also hates my level of phone usage.

    I’m guessing that he wants more of my attention but he can’t quite find the words so every few weeks, he really talks alot of trash about my being on the phone lol

    Working on it

  70.  #70LoveToMe on May 9, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    LL – re: that guy on the dating site – yeah, no. Maybe not. He may have changed in the past year, but you don’t know that.

    If you are feeling spunky, you could just ask him if he plans to try and take you back to his place again without asking you first.

    My guess is he wouldn’t even respond to that…and if he does, you can gauge how you feel about his response…

  71.  #71Tee on May 11, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    Sharing/Venting. I think I’m getting *better* at this. Yet Im still a little hard on myself for not utilizing the skills that I’m learning. E made me mad today. Why? Because he forgot to get our son a haircut. End of the world? No. But I clearly felt upset.

    I fantasized as I normally do about cursing him out, kicking him out, etc.
    I called to (I see now) to confirm & legitimize my anger. He “forgot” & he “meant to”…etc etc. He asked that I take him & he’ll just pay me back.
    He was at the bar I’m guessing.
    I hung up instead of arguing. I had planned to argue once he got home.

    The barbershop was busy and not taking any more customers for the day.
    I checked my Rori Raye/Starla/Anyone else notes to help ease myself back into some sort of perspective.

    Why am I really upset?
    I feel dismissed. Unimportant. Forgotten about. I feel like he’s incapable of handling anything.

    Is this true? Probably not but I’m dealing in feelings here. Not absolutes.
    He comes home & asks me a few dumb questions, I give him quick, short answers. I’m annoyed as I’m sure he’s aware of.

    At the same time, I feel like as long as I’m not using the feeling messages with him…I give up any *right* to be upset.
    I’m shooting us both in the foot here.

    I rarely talk to him about how I feel whether it’s good or bad. I simply react to him. Always. He wants sex, I give it.
    He wants a ride to work, I take him.

    It’s like I’ve programmed myself to just be available with no regard to how I feel…so it makes sense that I don’t always know HOW I feel on my own.

    I rarely delegate any sort of responsibility to him because I’m already convinced that he’ll mess it up somehow…while, again at the same time, being upset that he seems to have no responsibilities whatsoever!

    I want to be upset & feel like I have no power because he keeps robbing me of it but it’s clear that I continue to give it away.

    I’m getting the hang of the self-care thing & it’s getting easier to see that I’m lacking in self love as well. It is a process that needs to be addressed on a daily basis.

    My life can’t be reactionary. Sometimes I wonder if he only loves me because I’m this way. Soft and pliable. Would he still feel the same love if I wasn’t such a cakewalk?

  72.  #72Azure Blu on May 12, 2016 at 6:02 am

    Tee #71
    Ohhh… My Goodness… lovely Siren…
    These are such AMAZING insights… thank you for sharing…
    So helpful for me to hear

    I LOVE everything that you have said here… this one is a great thought!
    “I want to be upset & feel like I have no power
    because he keeps robbing me of it
    but it’s clear that I continue to GIVE IT AWAY.”
    Rori says, and I notice, for me, “giving away my power” (*ME* giving TOO much!!) causes me to get angry!!!
    The only solution is to STOP!
    Me NOT talking about MY feelings also causes me to withdraw…
    and YES… I too wonder… will i loose love (from family, friends, boyfriend) IF I STOP giving so much of ME away…

    recently (over the course of the past 6 months)
    when I STOPPED being so pliable and compliant (easy going) with 3 girl friends… Standing up for me… (Speaking my feelings…asking what was wrong… is there something I can change?)
    When no answer was given *I* walked away!!
    H*LL yes it was/is painful…
    but I realized I dont’ want a relationship that is SOOO one sided! AND I deserve respect and love!!
    YAY!!! I STOPPED GIVING *ME* away!!!

    Go Tee… YOU ARE DOING such deep work AND

  73.  #73Tee on May 12, 2016 at 7:08 am

    You’re so sweet Azure, I love when you respond to me lol

    Yes, I am doing too much & not saying enough. I rarely ask him or anyone for anything. Once again, I just respond. I feel like I’m imposing if I ask.

    E has no problem asking for anything & it kinda irks me.
    Why? It’s not his fault that I don’t talk, or share or ask for much.

    By the time I feel *comfortable* asking…I’m already so tense & sensitive that even if it looks like I might be shot down…I’m fighting back tears.

    How can I expect to be seen or heard if I’m so silent? Then that silence turns to rage and I’m sure that to others…it has no rhyme or reason.

    I feel like I have to fight for the right to be noticed but deep down, I do recognize that it doesn’t need to be hard. I think I’m so use to working hard/loving hard that I find it difficult to believe that it can be easy.

    That I can indeed have it all without the inner-child tantrums