First (And Last) Time Ever – Live Love Forever Weekend With Rori – In My Home

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rori orange 3If you learn better, faster and more permanently (like most of us) when you’re doing it live, in person, intensely, experientially and with fun, laughing and tears – then come join my in my home in Los Angeles on October 16th, 17th and 18th 2016!

I’ll be taking care of your heart non-stop – Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday, and you’ll leave with skills and abilities you never knew you had!

We’ll Script, we’ll deal with the man in your life, the man you want, or your dread of dating at all.

We’ll practice Feeling Messages for every possible situation, deal with fear, nerves, trauma, anger!, and get your heart open and your juices flowing in a way that feels permanent.

You’ll know what it feels like to stop clinging to old stuff and old patterns and what it would feel like to have what you want.

Only 14 women tops –  the doors close then – and I so hope to see you, hug you, talk with you, work with you, and let the transformation and healing happen for all of us together.

Consider this your invitation – so please visit here to write me with the Questionnaire, and I’ll write back to enroll you personally…

http://www.coachrori.com/love-forever-live-weekend/

Hope to see you on the 16th in Los Angeles and get you the love you want and deserve…forever….

Love, Rori

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281 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on September 13, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    Oh boy. It would be a great pleasure to be there live.



  2.  #2Mandy on September 13, 2015 at 3:00 pm

    Wow. I am doing back flips on the inside for this, and I just want to shout with joy for the women who get to go to this. What a dream come true.

    This feels silly to say, but I have had a dream while sleeping that Rori and Dominique are talking with all of us in the same room having coffee and tea together and talk talk talking. Hahaha.

    In all seriousness though, I feel this will not only be wonderful but hard quick work.

    Role-playing works wonders. My Psychiatrist and I role-played the break up I just did with J for three months. Then when he told me there is no such thing as the perfect moment for anything, I was ready to do it, the thing I feared the most. It was like I’d been training for a big event and I nailed it. Nothing feels better!

    But what a dream come true, but I imagine it will involve hard, quick work, may be triggering, and then feeling into the melting is also work, but I would bet anything that every one of the women who go to this will come home feeling like new.

    Awww. Reminds me of when I started Modern Siren for the first time, I totally fell in love with it, it was just perfect for me, I knew I’d made the right choice for me when I came to it. I look back on that as a very fond memory as though I’d made some friends, LOL! 🙂

    I think all around each other, you’ll be able to see and feel everything as well as speak it, and some amazing things will happen, I am sure tears might come, but you’ll all be there for each other. That sounds so awesome.

    Important topic would probably be the freezing up thing, which I feel shows up in one or more parts of the body when we do it, we clench our fists or our jaws, or curl our toes. In real-life situations, the feeling, the ambiance of the room, noises, anything can fuel it. I think if everyone is right there, in the room, maybe that can be worked on really well. You’ll be right there with each other feeling, seeing, talking, hearing, and communicating.

    This makes me so happy though, just the fact that Rori’s holding this. I am not someone who does this type of thing often and even I’m thinking about it. Lol!



  3.  #3Dominique on September 15, 2015 at 7:51 am

    Just a little reminder – the second class – Creating MAGIC in Relationship – is TODAY!!! There is still time to register if you wish to attend. This WILL be recorded, so if you can’t make it and would still like to hear, register, and the recording will be sent to you.

    Hope to see you later.

    xxoo

    http://sexandheart.com/free-teleclass/



  4.  #4Senior Lady Vibe on September 16, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    A fabulous and fun weekend!

    It’s that time of year (my favorite season) for re-entry and new beginnings.

    1) For those unable to attending Rori’s California weekend event, even filling out the four questionnaire boxes (they appear when you click the link) revs up the inspiration.

    2) For all the Dominique fans: she has provided TWO FREE! downloadable mp3 replay recordings. Dating and relationship advice including Q&As.

    Don’t miss them; I don’t how long they will be available.

    SLV
    xoxo



  5.  #5Senior Lady Vibe on September 16, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    Oops 😳

    I don’t KNOW how long they will be available.



  6.  #6Azure Blu on September 16, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    Mandy #2
    darling, heart warming and joyous YOU!!!

    Alll the love that is coming from you is amazing.
    I am sooo inspired by your authentic, sweetness

    “But what a dream come true,
    but I imagine it will involve hard, quick work,
    may be triggering, and then feeling into the melting is also work,
    but I would bet anything that every one of the women
    who go to this will come home feeling like new.”



  7.  #7Indigo on September 17, 2015 at 3:22 am

    Question, sirens and any coaches who feel like responding:

    How do you respond to a man who says openly in his profile that he doesn’t believe in chasing a woman since it implies that she is not interested if he is doing all the work?

    This seems to be an attitude I come across a bit in men these days. I still firmly believe in leaning back while you are dating and I know for a fact that it in general never works out when your energy goes too far forward before you are in a committed relationship, but could it be that some men are feeling this way? That they want us to initiate a little to show them we are interested?

    What do you think? (This is philosophical on my part, I am not actually in a crisis)



  8.  #8Femininewoman on September 17, 2015 at 4:48 am

    Indigo I intellectually agree with him. Think about it. Why would anyone need to chase, in the first place? Obviously because someone or something is running away. Some people might not have the strength or the will to keep up. Why would I want to be chasing someone who is running away from me anyway? These are questions I ask myself.

    In my mind leaning back is so different. It is being feminine so the masculine won’t feel the need to chase. More inspired to be authentic masculine.

    How do you respond to such a man? What is he doing or saying that you need to respond to? I believe his words reflect his worldview based on his experience. I bet there is an interesting story behind it. I guess he has been burnt and is now really finding himself and coming into his own. If he asked me what I think about his words in his profile I would tell him I agree with him and I am curious about the reason why he came to his conclusions.



  9.  #9Victoria on September 17, 2015 at 5:36 am

    Indigo,
    I agree with Feminine Woman that most probably there is a reason for his statement, and most likely such a statement comes from hurt and negative experience. That being said, I am afraid that there is nothing for you to say but just next him.
    My most recent experience is that I LOVE BEING CHASED/courted. I absolutely love it when the man initiates, buys me flowers, gifts, plans interesting dates, showers me with compliments. Is he chasing me? Well, I am not running away, but he kind of is chasing me nevertheless, because I am doing absolutely nothing to entice his attitude, and I do very little to reciprocate.
    It feels so good so yummi to be taken care of. Honestly, looking back, I cannot believe what poor treatment I had put up with while I was with F. Never again.



  10.  #10Azure Blu on September 17, 2015 at 6:22 am

    Victoria #9
    Ohhhh… so great to hear from you
    Lovely Siren,
    All that you are saying sounds simply
    Wonderful!!!
    I am soooo happy that you are enjoying
    the adoration and appreciation of a
    Very masculine man!!!
    oxoxo
    Do tell more!
    What are some of the interesting dates
    he has taken you on?



  11.  #11Azure Blu on September 17, 2015 at 6:34 am

    Indigo…
    Ahhh… this delicate balance that is created from
    leaning back (being warm and an invitation)
    and his masculine moving forward…

    For me… It was soooo VERY lucky that i found
    Rori…
    Because there are many ways in which I subtly and NOT so subtly push away and run after a man…
    And I have learned to see this more clearly and
    I can feel when an interaction between me and a man
    IS off balance…

    HOWEVER… I also have a tendency to get too leaned back when a kind, caring man is pursuing me…
    NOT being an invitation…. (because kind, caring and available is out of my comfort zone)

    and since I have been reading Evan Mark Katz
    I have worked at being more responsive
    and initiating some contact
    AFTER I have seen the man being VERY available
    and pursuing me…

    For me this is working MUCH better!!!
    I am now dating a lovely, kind, caring AND available man…
    Who takes me on wonderful dates, plans WAY in advance (has invited me to tailgate at the cities Thanksgiving game)
    is sexy and available and already wants an exclusive relationship…
    this all feels GREAT!!! BUT is also WAY out of my comfort zone… I am giving myself permission to take it slow meanwhile being warm and inviting as much as is possible for me… :-))



  12.  #12Victoria on September 17, 2015 at 6:54 am

    Azure,
    me too… out of my confort zone.
    I am basically not used to having someone plan well in advance and not change his mind and not fail me :-).
    He plans weekends away, late night strolls under starry nights, candle lit baths sipping shampagne, horse riding, etc, and I am truly fully booked…
    You know may be I can get used to all this, lol.
    And, I am so happy for you!
    Have you agreed to exclusivity?



  13.  #13Indigo on September 17, 2015 at 6:58 am

    Feminine Woman, Victoria & Azure Blu,

    I love all of the things you have said! Such great insights of slightly different facets of this same topic.

    Azure Blu… I can so relate to what you’ve said here. I was largely unaware of the different direct and indirect ways I was chasing a man. And likewise when a caring man was coming towards me, I was unaware of the ways I was shutting down, pushing him away and my defences were going up. This whole journey for me has been about leaning back YET being warm, open and gorgeously feminine. Learning how to not push a man away. I agree, I have also found that the very occasional lean forward when a man’s energy has been steadily coming towards me works well for me too.

    Victoria, I agree! This guy is a next. I LOVE LOVE being pursued. Yay you and yay me!!!

    Feminine Woman, love your beautifully articulated thoughts here, especially this: “In my mind leaning back is so different. It is being feminine so the masculine won’t feel the need to chase. More inspired to be authentic masculine.”



  14.  #14Azure Blu on September 17, 2015 at 10:55 am

    Feminine Woman, ME TOO!!!
    love your beautifully articulated thoughts here, especially this:
    “In my mind leaning back is so different. It is being feminine so the masculine won’t feel the need to chase. More inspired to be authentic masculine.”



  15.  #15Dominique on September 17, 2015 at 11:10 am

    Femininewoman – I love what you said here, couldn’t have said it better. 🙂

    By the way, I lost all of my phone numbers when I got my new phone last month which means I no longer have yours. I wanted to check in with you, see how you’re feeling. Are you back to Zumba yet?

    Text me when you have a chance, so I can have your number again.

    xxoo



  16.  #16Azure Blu on September 17, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    Victoria #12
    Ohhhh… such lovely romantic dates!!!

    Yep… the cancelling of dates… Ugghhh!!!

    about exclusivity… nooo… not yet…
    I want to date at least 2 months…

    I’m still dating other cds
    and dating Spirit…

    I’m waiting for ME to be able to let go of Spirit
    without much drama for me…
    I almost broke up last weekend…
    and then decided not to…
    It was still feeling like too much for me
    right now.
    I just want to be able to let him slide away!!!

    Love you Azure… your timing is perfect…



  17.  #17Azure Blu on September 17, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    Indigo #13
    ;~}



  18.  #18Leigha Lake on September 17, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    Indigo… just to chime in here with your question in post 7. 🙂 Here’s my perspective.

    I did online dating for over 7 years and one year I went out with 50 different men (I was practicing ALL of Rori’s Tools lol). They can become pretty predictable (based on my experience).

    Online dating can be so cut throat – but it can also quickly show you who someone is. (Do we still practice? Yes!)

    With only reading his profile you can get a sense of where his energy is…and it’s coming from more of a negative place than a positive place.

    I knew I wanted to be with a man who had an abundant mindset.

    A man who knows if he doesn’t have what he wants, he knows there has to be a way to achieve it and he’s capable of figuring it out.

    Can you feel the difference in energy between the two?

    It’s ALL about awareness, knowing what we want and believing what we want is possible.

    I know I feel so much better and more safe with a man who has an abundant mindset than one who comes from a scarcity mindset.

    Love, Leigha



  19.  #19Azure Blu on September 17, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Leigha Lake
    Ahhhh… love this…
    YES… and abundant mind set!!
    My favorite kind of men!



  20.  #20Leigha Lake on September 17, 2015 at 1:15 pm

    Azure, Yes!!!! 🙂 Life is FUN with a man who thinks abundantly… there are no limits! 🙂



  21.  #21April Rose on September 17, 2015 at 4:00 pm

    And when a man is limited, there is a feeling that the fun is limited…



  22.  #22April Rose on September 17, 2015 at 4:17 pm

    A man who thinks abundantly… I’m really pondering this concept now. To me it remains a concept because I don’t know many men who aren’t cautious and careful with money (read ‘stingy’) and fearful of life in some way, therefore staying small.
    The guys I’ve known have been pretty unimaginative when it comes to expansive and abundant views of life.

    My brother, on the other hand, he thinks big. And yes, he is fun to be with.



  23.  #23April Rose on September 17, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    A man can expand himself, surely? Become bigger, more outgoing and confident.
    Can he?



  24.  #24Valarie O'Ryan on September 17, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    Ooh, April Rose, I love this question (23).

    I believe whole-heartedly, Yes, a man CAN expand. My husband is the best example of this I know.

    Just tonight I caught him looking intently at me. He said, “You make me want to be better in every way – a better provider, a better friend – everything.”

    Of course, I think he’s pretty perfect already 🙂 but it melts my heart that he always wants to expand. He tries new things, new ideas, he’s open to other opinions. And if he thinks something is holding him back, he works on changing it.

    This makes me want to do the same. It’s a pretty positive cycle!

    I’m so glad I learned (took me a looong time!) to recognize & separate the men who were capable & willing to expand from those who were stuck.

    Love, ~Valarie



  25.  #25Lovergirl on September 17, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    I am really struggling with missing S. I went out for a haply hour with some women I met through a meetup group. It was fun and I thought would help me get my mind off him.

    It didnt work. A couple of drinks and I was missing him more than ever. My heart just aches for him. I want to be in his arms again. I havent seen him for over 3 months and it has been 4 since we last had sex. Its beem 18 days since we last talked on the phone.



  26.  #26Lovergirl on September 17, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    I feel like Im going mad. I keep trying to make myself get over him, I try to remember the worst things about him and tell myself that I am better off without him. Its not working though. Deep down I just love him and im afraid its never going to change. I wish he felt the samw way about me.



  27.  #27Lovergirl on September 17, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    Excuse my typos, im on my phone :p



  28.  #28Sami Wunder on September 18, 2015 at 3:28 am

    Indigo Hi !!

    He is showing you his constricted energy on his profile. I could literally feel his chest knotted up with hurt and resentful energy while he wrote that. Reading it made me feel “eww.” Lol.

    Go for men who feel OK being men, in fact not just ok but they take pride in being the men in the relationship. They drive their good feelings from being able to step up and do for the woman… This kind of man is the man I wanted and I got and trust me – It´s fun !! No bickerings, no complaints, no ” why don´t you do what I do for you” kind of limiting and defensive arguments.

    Love, Sami



  29.  #29Azure Blu on September 18, 2015 at 7:13 am

    (((Lovergirl))))
    What a great thing to do for you…
    do a meet up with other women!



  30.  #30Indigo on September 18, 2015 at 10:39 am

    Leigha & Sami,

    I tend to really, really agree with both of you on this. When I read his profile or when I hear a man say a similar thing, for me it conjures up an image of me trying to break down his defences, of me trying to convince him that I should be trusted/that I care/that I should be given a chance… honestly, having spent the last few years dating guys like that in one guise or other, I cannot imagine anything worse.

    The one thing I want my relationship to be is easy… fun, like you both said. I have a guy in my life at the moment (I don’t want to jinx it by saying too much) whose energy just feels warm and open and affectionate and unguarded. He contacted me first, made plans for our first date, then brought over dinner and roses to my place… and when he contacts me he has a totally different feel to him than these guarded and jaded guys. I feel relaxed and expanded when I hear from him. I feel like he is a masculine man who loves being masculine and takes pride in understanding women. It’s a nice, easy feeling.



  31.  #31Azure Blu on September 18, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Indigo #30
    Yay to NICE And EASY!!
    oxox



  32.  #32April Rose on September 18, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    I’m loving this conversation and the input from the coaches.

    Leigha said
    “I know I feel so much better and more safe with a man who has an abundant mindset than one who comes from a scarcity mindset.”

    Valarie said
    “I’m so glad I learned (took me a looong time!) to recognize & separate the men who were capable & willing to expand from those who were stuck.?”

    Sami said
    “Go for men who feel OK being men, in fact not just ok but they take pride in being the men in the relationship. They drive their good feelings from being able to step up and do for the woman… This kind of man is the man I wanted and I got and trust me – It´s fun !! No bickerings, no complaints, no ”why don´t you do what I do for you?” kind of limiting and defensive arguments.”



  33.  #33April Rose on September 18, 2015 at 3:58 pm

    The man I am seeing has done something of a turnaround.

    In the first couple of months he was all “I’ll do that” and “What do you need help with?”

    Now I just feel weird and in limbo. There is a kind of void, where planning and action used to be. As if he is sitting back and waiting for me to be the one doing and deciding things.

    When I said to him “It feels so good to receive a phone call”, his answer was “yes, it does” as if to imply that he would like to be the one receiving calls.



  34.  #34April Rose on September 18, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    Sami, this has really struck a nerve with me-

    ” why don´t you do what I do for you” kind of limiting and defensive arguments.”

    My answer to him was “I don’t want to be in a partnership where we play equal roles. I believe polarity creates attraction. And at my core I feel closest to my true nature when I am in the feminine role”.

    Maybe too explainy?



  35.  #35April Rose on September 18, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    Valarie,

    I feel amazed and delighted reading what your husband said to you. That is so beautiful, so intimate. So giving and generous-hearted to say such a thing.

    I cannot imagine my boyfriend saying something like that. I would be very very surprised if he ‘granted’ me anything like that. If he admitted I was an inspiration in his life I would be amazed. He is, I think, extremely guarded emotionally.



  36.  #36Indigo on September 18, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    April Rose,

    I would like to offer my insights, but they are only my insights so please feel free to take what resonates and disregard the rest.

    “He is, I think, extremely guarded emotionally.” I have been with a few men like this in recent years, and it took me a while to realise that it was because I was guarded emotionally. Usually there was nothing more to be done with that particular man than walk away and begin the exploration process of why I was closing myself up and how I could let down my defences. I think this could be a fun and beautiful thing to do when you are with a man too, if you can. If you can start to become aware of where you may be putting in barriers to love/intimacy/closeness/communication it helps you to see what the man is truly capable of.

    Funnily enough, this is something that I’ve learnt from working with children. They respond very fluidly to a change of approach or a change of tack from me so it’s been fun and interesting to try out what works better with them. Do you think it’s possible that you could be the one pulling away from your man? How would it feel to phone him once and see how he responds to that? How would it feel to ask him about his feelings, ie. is there something you should know, or is there something he would like to share with you.

    It could of course be that he is unwilling or unable to make a greater effort, but I always find these are great experiences to learn more about ourselves and our relationship style, to prepare us for the man who is right for us one day.



  37.  #37Indigo on September 18, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Part of this is, now that I’ve begun to open up myself much more, and to be more authentically open in who I am, I can no longer tolerate being in a close intimate relationship with someone who is extremely defensive. I can no longer hitch my boat to someone with a “scarcity mentality” as Leigha describes it.



  38.  #38Azure Blu on September 19, 2015 at 6:52 am

    Indigo #36
    Ohhhh… i love your insights here…
    Sooo VERY wise lovely Siren,

    I too have looked inward when I think the man feels closed off
    Sure enough…
    I need to practice opening up and allowing and receiving
    the wonderful love *THEY* have to give…
    NOT *MY* version of their love they SHOULD be
    giving ME!!! :-))
    and then of course letting go of anyone
    who has a scarcity mentality…



  39.  #39Sapphire on September 19, 2015 at 6:53 am

    Indigo
    I love what you wrote in 36 about “realising it was because I was guarded emotionally”. 
    I do believe I am and yes that effects my man any suggestions Sirens on how to open up more
    Sapphire x



  40.  #40Azure Blu on September 19, 2015 at 7:34 am

    Sapphire
    Great question…
    What I have been doing more and more…
    is to notice, when I am with anyone,
    if I am closing down, or feeling critical
    or not really listening…
    I’ll notice my heart
    and slowly unzipp
    Or think of my heart
    as a flower and slowly let it fully open
    as it blossoms,,,
    When
    I do this
    I notice I have to let go of the conversation
    for a few minutes
    but I have seen immediate changes
    for ME (softer more warm)
    and people respond differently also…



  41.  #41Azure Blu on September 19, 2015 at 7:35 am

    Also think of alll the wonderful things
    I DO love about this person (if I have a history with them)
    Not always possible if its a new CD
    :0)



  42.  #42Azure Blu on September 19, 2015 at 7:42 am

    April Rose,,,
    I have been experiencing this as I have been
    Practicing the Rori tool of leaning back…

    And I have been learning to be perceptive
    to the balance of masculine energy coming toward me…
    When any CD has been very enthusiastic
    and masculine and has been pursuing me
    for a few weeks and I am interested in
    getting to know him more..
    I notice it helps if I make a phone call here
    and there…
    contribute to ideas for a date once in awhile
    and pay for a round of drinks
    now and then…
    I have gotten much positive feed back
    from this…
    Especially sense I am dating others (and they have asked to be exclusive)



  43.  #43Leigha Lake on September 19, 2015 at 8:33 am

    I’m loving this conversation with everyone’s input. 🙂

    Lack of awareness is what keeps us from having everything we want. It keeps us “covered up” with barriers.

    To remove these barriers – all it takes is BEING who we really are and sharing who we are with everyone.

    Many of us have had a belief system if we show who we really are, we’ll be hurt or abandoned. This just isn’t true! But if we believe it – it’s what we see.

    The TRUTH is – this is just a belief system and it can be changed! 🙂

    When we become aware that we’ve been afraid to let someone (anyone) see exactly who we are, we instantly start to change the belief system and our lives start taking an upward turn.

    When we’re being completely authentic, we are living out our PURPOSE – they are one and the same!

    The more authentic we are – the more aware we are – the clearer we can see the opportunities show up that will bring us MORE of what we desire.

    If we’re shutting down and afraid to be who we really are – we can’t see the opportunities even if they’re right in front of us. We’re not “aware” of them.

    Being our most authentic selves attracts the perfect people and circumstances to propel us forward into a life that only gets better and better.

    So start right now – allow yourself to be YOU and see what happens. Notice how good you feel!

    If you feel expansive – you’re on the right track! (You may also feel very VULNERABLE!)

    Life can be really really good right now! It doesn’t have to take weeks, months or years.

    Love, Leigha



  44.  #44Sapphire on September 19, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Ooo love the comments thank you.

    For me when we talk about our authentic self -I dont know whom that is ???. I understand about the belief system of showing our true selves we will be hurt or abandoned – I recognise within my childhood having to be defensive (my sibling could be so cruel if I let my guard down)- but I am an adult now and should feel safe.
    My relationship with my husband feels so disconnected at times. But is it me disconnected with myself.
    So much inner workings in me I need to understand.
    Funny thing is I am a life coach but I feel I became a coach so I did not have to work on me – if that makes sense.
    X



  45.  #45April Rose on September 19, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    I feel sad and helpless when I perceive I have been misunderstood and it makes me feel like crying.



  46.  #46April Rose on September 19, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    What I would like help with and input from the coaches here, is to be able to know when I am closing off and when I am feeling turned off.

    My man is not taking care of me like he did. He wants to be the one being taken care of. I suspect he might be concerned more with his own experience than with mine. It took a while for that to reveal itself.

    I feel turned off by his lack of manly care. It used to feel good. I was on the receiving end of masculine giving that made my life easier, and made me feel cherished. Now his giving seems much narrower and also conditional.

    I feel puzzled and angry. I am stuffing these feelings for now, until I find an authentic script.

    For me, stuffing feelings is a huge step forward. I have acted on them agressively in the past.



  47.  #47April Rose on September 19, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Indigo,

    I probably got my terminology wrong. I don’t seem to be able to convey what I mean so well these days. (Plus we have just entered a mercury retrograde period which affects communication).

    When I said ’emotionally guarded’, I think I made a mistake. He shows emotion. Especially anger, which simmers. I spoke to Rori personally last week (on the love forever tele class – it was fantastic to have a conversation with her at last). Rori said a man often defaults to anger before any other emotion, and that is far preferable to him becoming depressed.

    So, instead of emotionally guarded, what did I mean? What I wrote in my example. Stingy, held back, begrudging maybe.
    For a man who likes to talk, he expresses very little appreciation for me verbally.

    I, on the other hand, show a lot of appreciation for him and his actions. And, I do the things he asks. Rori said (again in our conversation) that it is masculine if he is saying what he would like me to do. He wants me to call and text him, so I do now and again. He wants me to cook for him, so I have done a couple of times. I’m trying it on for size.



  48.  #48April Rose on September 19, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    My head is a jumble of ideas and formulas.

    Examples:
    Love languages – I need words of appreciation. He gives acts of service.



  49.  #49April Rose on September 19, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    Example.

    Masculine versus feminine appreciation.

    Men like to be appreciated for what they do.
    Women like to be appreciated for who they are.

    He likes it when I say “Thank you. You did that thing brilliantly”.
    I like it when he says “You are so kind and sweet and beautiful”.

    I seem to remember years ago, when I was much younger, men saying “You are…” statements to me.

    Now, it is as if they do not even see who I am.



  50.  #50Leigha Lake on September 19, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    April Rose…do I have permission to coach you here on the blog?



  51.  #51Leigha Lake on September 19, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    *Your permission



  52.  #52Millie on September 19, 2015 at 4:03 pm

    Hi Ladies,
    I just got back from an exciting business trip! I’m so happy I get the opportunity to travel with work. My boss let me know her expectations of me going forward and I’m feeling pressured and like I don’t have the experience to deliver…. But on the other hand I know I can do it, I guess I’m just afraid of the hurdles since most of them will be people.

    On the topic of abundance and scarcity… I think that I have a mentality of scarcity rather than feeling there is abundance of men waiting for me. Maybe I attract men with that also believe in scarcity? I don’t know… Right now the only man attracted to me is someone I don’t feel connected to and it’s just a sexual fling.

    Feeling a bit directionless with my love life. I see my friends all getting married and I know deep down I want that and I see that happening for me. I see myself walking down the street with my children… I see it all.



  53.  #53Dominique on September 19, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    Sapphire – 44 – The question you pose about who you are, who your authentic self is, is an awesome question and one that isn’t often addressed.

    Who you are is an uncovery/discovery process and one which can take some time AND can change over time, as you get to know you and what you like or dislike, what feels and what doesn’t. You have to want this though. You have to want to go deep inside to see what’s in there, and some of what’s in there could feel very scary indeed, old wounds and traumas, some primal fears even.

    And through this process, I would ask you to so very patient with yourself as well as kind and gentle.

    You are an ever evolving BEING too.

    The feelings of disconnect you feel can yes be you disconnecting from you, yet this can also be you disconnecting from that which hurts or feels bad, and it all comes from within. It’s not about what your husband says or does necessarily but how you’re responding to him which is all seen through the filter of your triggers in any given moment as well as how you’re feeling in any given moment – emotionally or physically.

    Can you try to enjoy this part of your journey of getting to know Sapphire? She’s quite wonderful from what I’ve seen.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  54.  #54Dominique on September 19, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    April Rose – I so understand how good it feels to hear words of appreciation. I longed for this too in the early years, and K was just not verbal in this way. Over time I learned to recognize and LOVE his ways of showing love and appreciation, and I actually have come to prefer HIS ways. And you know what, as I let the wanting to hear the words go, the more he began to use words. He’s still not especially verbose, but he now regularly expresses himself in ways which feel awesome to me. And the things he says – so special. Honestly, I still prefer HIS original ways which I came to appreciate more than my own, what I though were my wants and needs.

    Maybe a perspective shift might help and help you to feel better and more loved?

    As for experimenting with the leaning forward with him, I say YAY!!!. You won’t know how it feels to you and how it responds until you try. And please know that sometimes it might feel great to you, and other times it might not. And both scenarios are SO okay. It’s simply where you’re at at that moment.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  55.  #55Dominique on September 19, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    Millie – 52 – If you can see it this clearly, then it WILL happen. For whatever reason, it’s just not your time at this moment. And this is wonderful, for it’s an opportunity to continue to grow and blossom, as you have been.

    I think many people have varying degrees of scarcity mentality in various areas of their lives. It’s not necessarily a negative but something to notice and coax into changing.

    Love to you.

    xxoo



  56.  #56T-Girl on September 19, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    Dominique, how can I listen to the recording of your teleclass? xoxox



  57.  #57Dominique on September 19, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    DO I have your email, T-Girl? Message me with it, and I will send it to you.

    xxoo



  58.  #58Indigo on September 19, 2015 at 11:25 pm

    April Rose,

    I think I hear you, and I truly hope you didn’t experience my speaking of potentially being emotionally guarded as criticism, because it wasn’t that at all. It was just something very helpful that I realised about myself, and thought may possibly have some benefit to you.

    I think I agree with Rori about anger being the default emotion for many men… I think this is for a number of reasons. Anger is a more socially acceptable emotion for men to show than vulnerability, men’s natural strength means that there is a certain tacit acceptance of their anger. I think men also feel angry when they feel powerless, and they feel angry at themselves when there is a perceived failure on their part. Underneath the anger is usually some kind of fear.

    You said: “So, instead of emotionally guarded, what did I mean? What I wrote in my example. Stingy, held back, begrudging maybe.
    For a man who likes to talk, he expresses very little appreciation for me verbally.

    I, on the other hand, show a lot of appreciation for him and his actions. And, I do the things he asks.”

    I understand what you mean here. For what it’s worth, I think there are plenty of these men out there. There is a whole army of men like this in my former circle of friends, which I eventually distanced myself from because I didn’t like how I felt in their presence… They didn’t make me feel feminine or appreciated or complimented, they made me feel like I had to prove something and that I would never win, whatever that means. I’m not sure if it’s possible to inspire such men to better behaviour but I got tired of trying and I most definitely felt turned off in their presence. With time I have given myself permission to only go where I feel good and appreciated and let go of the people who don’t make me feel that way. Life is much easier that way, and I like easy. “Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated” is something my mom used to say to me. I think you need to decide how important the words of affirmation are to you, and how comparatively important it is for you to feel the way you want to feel in his presence. Only you can really make that call. You can open yourself up beautifully, show who you are, express appreciation, express what you want and what does and doesn’t feel good to you, but if he doesn’t come along only you can decide if it’s worth staying. For me it wouldn’t be.



  59.  #59Sapphire on September 20, 2015 at 12:34 am

    Dominique yes, yes that is exactly how I feel. I shut down to avoid feeling hurt – told I am to sensitive. Yes it is also very scary going inside. I need to sit with this for a while
    Thank you xxx



  60.  #60Dixie on September 20, 2015 at 5:17 am

    “Go where you are celebrated, not tolerated.”

    Indigo, thank you so much for sharing your mom’s quote. It is perfect on SO many levels. I may even post it on my classroom wall!

    To add two cents, yes, I have experienced two scenarios:

    In the past 2 years, as I shared my vulnerabilities with D, well, at first he became shut down, and that’s when we hit the pause button. But when we started seeing each other again, I just sank into every feeling, shared when appropriate in a non-critical way… And he is SO much more loving and sweet and affectionate and open hearted than before. I don’t know if he’s my forever man, but being with him allows ME to practice remaining (not “being”) vulnerable. It has felt so good and satisfying for me, and I secretly love seeing how its transformational for him, for HIS own sake, regardless of what happens with us.

    On the flip side, as Indigo mentioned above, some men are just closed off to the experience of being open, and feel, to me, stuck in criticism and blame and passive-aggressiveness. Until they are ready to open up, they won’t. And I can’t fix that, nor is that my work.

    (As a footnote, I asked the sirens for some advice last week and Leigha’s link was just perfect advice! I’ve not had to use FW’s script yet, because I can “feel” a shift in myself already just by practicing the script to myself, embedding those lovely feelings into my own psyche and heart muscles)

    Have a wonderful Sunday sirens! Thinking fondly of all of you on this fall day! (Lovergirl, hang in there! Imagine a giant hug from me! You are doing so great and whatever you are feeling, we’ve been there too! Embrace ALL your feelings, love the yucky feelings (really!). Your inner boy has been taking SUCH good care of you! Let that energy work… Follow what feels easy on a moment-to-moment basis)

    Xox.



  61.  #61April Rose on September 20, 2015 at 11:50 am

    Leigha,

    Absolutely! I would love that.



  62.  #62Leela on September 20, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    Rori and other sirens, need your help ASAP!!

    Next weekend I’m seeing a guy I dated occasionally before… a very sweet guy. I’ve treated him badly before and he still wants me (well that’s not a surprise anyway lol). We are going away for the weekend and will stay in a hotel for one night together… He’s booked a very nice hotel and made beautiful plans and everything… and I feel scared, I feel like freaking out now!!! Lots of things are going through my head like cancelling everything or not turning up… The problem is I was never able to even make out with him.. only kissed him briefly for a few times and didn’t turn me on whatsoever… I think it’s my old crap…. He is NOT ugly or disgusting in any way… But I don’t know how can I open up and let him kiss me and make out with me…
    I feel like I need to do it, If I run away I will not be able to get out of my “emotional neighborhood”, but if I do let him I fear I’ll feel crappy afterwards… But I know all the anxiety is my old stuff… SO I want to be able to at least make out with this guy in order to get past it, get past my old stuff… open up to new experiences and probably learn new things about myself… How do I let myself to do it, IS IT EVEN A GOOD IDEA???

    Any advice and help will be very appreciated dear Sirens xx



  63.  #63April Rose on September 20, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    Indigo,

    I like what you wrote about going where you feel celebrated.

    When I share juicy or happy moments from my day, I love to tell it to someone who feels delighted or gets curious and asks to know more.
    With this guy, when I tell him my best snippets and experiences, he says “very good” in a kind of brisk voice. And that’s it.

    This makes me recoil inside, as if I have been dismissed. I do not get the sense there is any INTEREST on his part, and that leaves me feeling incomplete, and unwilling to share my most precious experiences.



  64.  #64April Rose on September 20, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    Leela,

    It sounds very soon in the dating timeline to be going away with someone.

    How about “I really like you and I’m feeling curious and happy getting to know you. I feel a bit weird in my stomach that I agreed to go away somewhere with you so soon. It feels like too much pressure and I would feel more comfortable doing that when we know each other better”.

    Otherwise, Leela, I can imagine the discomfort and strain you are going to be under, to ‘perform’.

    “I have reconsidered how I’m feeling and I want to keep things light and easy between us. Spending the night together feels like too much too soon” or something like that.



  65.  #65Azure Blu on September 20, 2015 at 2:04 pm

    Leela…
    I LOVE what April Rose has said #64
    These are GREAT scripts

    I have recently experienced a similar scenario…
    RM cd invited me to go with him to a family celebration over an hour away… I agreed to it 2 weeks before the event… and thought… “ohh… that will be fun”
    BUT as the day approached I began to feel more and more anxiety and stress!!
    FINALLY (I asked for help and a script here on Siren Island)
    I was able to share with him “how honored I felt being invited to a family get together… but we had only been dating a few weeks and was feeling overwhelmed about going with him to this event”
    He was very understanding… a little sad… but this just showed me…
    how thoughtful and understanding he is!!!
    And I felt SOOOO much relief from NOT going…
    and we are still dating happily!! :-))



  66.  #66Leela on September 20, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    April Rose, thank you so much for your advise. However I’ve known him for around 18months, been out for around 5 times… but yes it’s better to speak out… I will say to him something along those lines… And to be honest it was a bit of a shock to me.. at first I thought he’ll book a separate room for me (I was hoping), I wasn’t sure but didn’t say anything, didn’t want to sound too demanding.. and it’s a great message to catch!! I have a fear of sounding/being too demanding! Yaayyy!!! And now I fear of how he’ll respond.. because he’s been a bit defensive before when I wouldn’t want to kiss him, he’d accuse me for using him and not wanting a relationship with him… and it’s true! I am using him…and I don’t see him and me together…now I feel guilty… now I fear karma will hit me because he is so nice to me… and all this stuff is running through my head…argh….



  67.  #67Leela on September 20, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    Azure Blu!!! Yeah I remember you sharing this and I even told you it will be a great chance for you to see what kind of a man he is, will he be pushy, defensive etc. and I’m so glad he wasn’t!!!! 🙂
    Same here, at first I thought yeah I can do this, I’ll just go and have fun, but today when he sent me the picture of the hotel he booked all of a sudden I felt numb and subsequently very anxious and nervous as you described… and I just can’t talk my self into liking him… I like him a lot, but as a friend… And because he treats me so well I could give him a chance…but I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE EVEN IF IT HURTS A LITTLE!!!
    It just really hurts a lot more that I don’t have anyone in my life at the moment that I’d feel a spark for.. would be a bit crazy for…feel some butterflies…I WANT THAT SO MUCH!!! I feel really lonely!



  68.  #68Sapphire on September 20, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    Leela
    You say in your previous post its your old crap coming up – can you please expand on that so we can get the whole picture.
    Are you like this with other guys or just this one? Is this your way of keeping guys at a distance and because he is really nice to you – you are putting up walls to protect yourself.
    Sapphire



  69.  #69Leela on September 20, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Sapphire… You nailed it- I’m putting up walls to “protect” myself from guys that are too nice…. I don’t know if I always been this way, but after a bad break up more than 2 years ago (!!!!) I can see this pattern… For this particular guy I never had any big attraction for, but in a way I really like and want him in my life for an unknown reason and I know he wouldn’t want me just as his friend. I put him through hell and he pines after me… He thinks there’s a hope…
    There was one recent ex I was crazy for for the first few weeks, and then my feelings vanished…PROBABLY because he was too nice and someone who seemed more like a challenge got in the way…

    Anyway… I just talked the one I was planning a weekend with. What he said was: I have feelings for you and I don’t want to feel as if we are strangers because we know each other for such a long time, but on the other hand I want you to be happy and don’t want you to feel uncomfortable either. So OK, whatever you wish (getting back the same day) and I hope you’ll understand me as well…
    I liked how he responded, the maturity in his words.. I even felt a little turned on. And maybe I will develop something for him if I open my heart… I will see, maybe there is something or maybe there’s not. If by the end of our following date I will not want to kiss him I will end it once and for all…



  70.  #70Sapphire on September 20, 2015 at 3:44 pm

    Leela
    Good – you are aware of whats going on inside.
    Would it be so scary to tell him your pattern explain about the bad break up – it would give you practice of being open and vulnerable with him.
    It would help him understand whats going on and to take things slowly.

    If it was me and you do like him being around I would give it a couple more dates and see how it develops.

    Now to work on you – practice opening to him in your imagination – visualize him coming close to you and you leaning back and allow him to touch your heart.
    Sapphire XXX



  71.  #71Azure Blu on September 20, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    Leela…
    I am also experiencing a stand-off-ishness (GREAT word!!)
    on my part with RMcd… just not sure why…
    is it because he is too nice (I sure hope NOT!!)

    We had another wonderful date… he brought a dozen roses… hung out at my house for a couple of glasses of wine…
    He’s sooo easy going and we love how we go with the flow… we decided to change our plans a bit and stay closer to my town (he lives 45min away)
    we had a dozen oysters at a fun little bar
    and we went to a cider mill…. in another small town
    walked for 2 miles on a boardwalk thru a park
    had dinner at a fancy restaurant..,
    Surprised my friends at a restaurant in another town
    it was my girlfriends birthday…
    hung out with them for several hours…
    he’s funny, smart and got along with everyone
    so Well!!!
    BUT everyone said today… you seemed so reserved with him… not like with others we have met!!
    I dont know what it is… we kiss and hug
    but I’m not feeling much passion for him…
    it’ll be 2 months in a couple of weeks…
    I still say… give it some time…
    I could warm up!!! :~}



  72.  #72Azure Blu on September 20, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Sapphire #70
    Mmmmm… i;m liking these visualizations…
    I’m going to try them…
    also, my daughter mentioned sharing those very same things with RM as that is what I am feeling…
    scared
    I have been hurt quite a few times and
    am feeling cautious and
    am wanting to take things slow!!

    I know he would love to hear these feelings
    I know it will be good practice for me
    sharing my vulnerable, authentic self
    with a lovely, warm, masculine AVAILABLE man!!



  73.  #73Leela on September 20, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Sapphire thank you!!! I also love those visualizations I will definitely try them!! He told he will not cancel the room reservation so I could stay there while he’d stay elsewhere (even a different hotel) I told that I don’t want him to feel upset as it will cause me to feel bad too, to which he replied not to worry about him and he will do everything to make me feel relaxed and happy. I thought it’s still a good idea to have a weekend together as long as we don’t sleep together, because we live in different cities about 2 hours away from each other, so this would be a great chance to spend more time together and see how his presence really feels to me…
    just like Azure Blu I don’t think I can talk about that particular break up with him, even though I agree it’s a great idea… OR maybe I can! Actually I think I could!! I will try to!! Sapphire you’re great!!
    And wow Azure Blu, seems like we’re in a veryyyy similar situation!!!…how about we dare to talk about our break-ups/unresolved pain with our current men and share with each other how it felt later?? That would be interesting.
    Me and you we carry a heavy luggage from the past and I know it would feel good to get rid of it.. and these men we are currently dating are not that scary at all. They are nice and they can listen, and maybe if we share our luggage with them we will not just free ourselves but become more attracted to them too?? from my own experience the moment you create intimacy magic happens… So, I’m in! Going to prepare a script before going to meet with him…then I’ll find the perfect moment and just let it all out. YES I can do it! Will you take this challenge as well, Azure?



  74.  #74Femininewoman on September 20, 2015 at 4:26 pm

    Leela I have to admit I felt a bit turned on by your exchange. Seems you were authentic with him and he felt it so he responded in kind and that got your juices flowing. Now I am over here feeling it.

    My two cents is that you might have been closed off a bit to him. Now that you have opened up it opened him a bit. You might have known each other a while but that doesn’t mean that you just fall into intimacy. The maturity in his words might be what you need to feel his masculinity and in turn feel turned on to him. I wouldn’t encourage you to go away with him like that until you have broken down more of your walls. Before your date I encourage you to practice going deep into yourself and speaking from your vulnerability. Maybe it is because some guard is up why you haven’t felt real chemistry with him??!! Maybe even share with him how you felt turned on by his masculinity and taking the lead in being honest with you. Maybe that is what you need to feel turned on to him??!! 🙂



  75.  #75Femininewoman on September 20, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    RE 73 Wow Leela. That sounds so masculine and sexy on his part 🙂 Why are you assuming that he wants to sleep with you? He might just be wanting to start building. Maybe he just wants you to share with him what you need to feel comfortable with him. Maybe you just need to open up a bit more to your feminine to really see him???



  76.  #76Leela on September 20, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    Femininewoman WOW this blog is amazing! You and the other sirens are sooooo helpful and full of brilliant insights!!! I read your response before (thankfully) sending him a text reply and so I thought wow sharing how I felt turned on by his masculinity is really a wonderful idea. So I did. While typing I felt happy and turned on by realizing I have a sexy, masculine man!

    You are right, I do have walls built up around my heart and I never let him in or never even tried to build intimacy with him. I still have 5 days to practice tools before seeing him, and as Sapphire advised I will talk about my past big heartache with him while reassuring that I don’t have feelings left for that ex (which is true) it’s just that some of the pain probably still persists because I stuffed it down back then and it caused my heart to close up and pretty much shut down altogether.
    Now that I’m finally starting opening up to him even though little by little I feel much safer and I feel I might really start wanting him even though little by little, slowly again. It feels great!!



  77.  #77Leigha Lake on September 20, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    April Rose – ok great! I’m not sure if you’re feeling the same way as you were when you were writing back by post 49 – but I still think this will be beneficial.

    When I read this last line –

    “Now, it is as if they do not even see who I am.”

    I really felt a desire to help you turn this around.

    The first step: If men could see who you REALLY are (like they used to) what would they see? (Write down 10-15 things.)

    You can share them if you want. Then share how you felt doing this.

    Once you do this – there are more steps.

    Here’s what I know for sure – if you have a desire to be seen (like we ALL do), there are men WAITING for you to let your light shine so they can SEE you.

    Love, Leigha



  78.  #78Millie on September 20, 2015 at 9:39 pm

    Dominique– thank you! You are probably right… It’s all about timing.

    Leela– loving your posts!!



  79.  #79Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 5:56 am

    Leela…
    GREAT idea… yes, I will take the challenge!! ;0)

    I will share the script about being scared…
    I haven’t yet…
    and then when the timing is good I will share
    a little about the breakups that have caused
    some pain in my heart.



  80.  #80Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 6:06 am

    leigha Lake,
    I want to write 10-15 things
    about
    “If men could see who you REALLY are what would they see?”
    Thank you for sharing this…

    1-upbeat
    2-loyal
    3-kind hearted
    4-big procrastinator
    5-sloppy housekeeper
    6- broke
    7- smart
    8- careful with money
    9- able to lift tall buildings in a single bound
    10- happy
    11- always learning
    12- able to compromise
    13- stubborn
    14- I have a temper



  81.  #81Leigha Lake on September 21, 2015 at 8:25 am

    Azure!!! 🙂 I love you jumped in on this!

    This is a really good start and I’m going to challenge you to go even deeper…

    If men (people) could see who you REALLY are – what would they see/experience?

    (hint: This is about owning your irresistibility and fabulousness. It’s about your Divine Essence and shining your light.)

    Here’s what I see/experience from you:

    Upbeat
    Loyal
    Kindhearted
    Smart
    Joyful
    Always growing
    Compassionate
    Passionate
    Strong
    Sensitive
    Loving
    Warm
    Caring
    Soft

    Please add more if something else feels MORE true. We’re going with expansiveness.

    What feelings come up for you as you do this?

    If you were to really really embrace your Divine Essence – who you really ARE – what would shift for you?



  82.  #82Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 8:36 am

    Leigha lake #81
    Ohhh… thank you for your wonderful help with this…

    My Divine Essence… When I read All the Positives
    I have been working on expanding (Rori and Coaches) on these
    Great qualities that I do have…
    But When I read them now
    my heart wants to close up
    I feel tired…

    I do believe I AM all of these – And BRAVE also
    BUT
    Is there a tool to work on expanding my heart
    to embrace these…
    What should I do here?



  83.  #83Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 8:39 am

    Leigha I wrote mine of a piece of paper now I feel inspired to share it here. I wrote:-

    sloppy
    funny and fun to be around
    a little lazy
    sensitive about her body
    smart
    wants to share love
    loves to stay active
    loves to share quality time talking
    conscious about her health
    loves her children
    sharp tongue that is sarcastic at times with biting humor
    somebody who wants to be accepted
    someone who wants to be make a difference in the world

    I felt challenged writing this and am felt like I don’t really know myself.



  84.  #84Leigha Lake on September 21, 2015 at 9:51 am

    Azure…what are you afraid of?

    AND you are BRAVE – I LOVE that!



  85.  #85Leigha Lake on September 21, 2015 at 10:11 am

    Feminine Woman – I LOVE that you’re doing this too and felt inspired to share yourself with us. Thank you.

    It’s such a healing experience!

    What we’re doing is “uncovering” even more of who you REALLY are…becoming MORE aware.

    There’s more uncovering for you – I changed some things down below – see if they’re even MORE true.

    This is what I experience from your light…

    fun
    exciting
    sensitive
    aware
    smart
    intelligent
    loving
    passionate
    intuitive
    humorous
    quick wit
    inspiring

    How does it feel to embrace this about yourself?



  86.  #86Leigha Lake on September 21, 2015 at 10:23 am

    This is all Part 1:

    It’s not that we’re trying to not acknowledge the other parts of ourselves we judge as not attractive – but it’s not the TRUTH of who we really are.

    The TRUTH is – we come from an Abundant Loving Universe – and we ARE all of these amazing things.

    The 2nd step:

    Really embrace it.

    The 3rd step:

    Imagine your body lighting up with this awareness and your light shines really bright – but it only lights up the path 20 feet front of you.

    This is ALL you need! Your light illuminates all the opportunities in front of you – the people (men) and experiences you want will be drawn to you. The more aware we are of who we truly are – the more clearly we can see these opportunities and what our next step is.

    The 4th step:

    Imagine your light shining bright this week and see what miracles show up for you.

    Love, Leigha

    P.S. If you want to report back in a week – I think that would be awesome!

    Part 2 is how our subconscious mind wants us to stay where we are and covered up where it’s “safe” – but that can be for another time. 🙂



  87.  #87Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Leigha Lake…
    the feelings that come up for me from
    deep down inside… I feel extremely agitated
    I am a disgusting, horrible person
    I am worthless and my soul is dark
    and ugly… VERY UGLY and ANGRY
    of course completely unlovable..
    WOW!!
    all these feelings I thought I had worked through…
    don’t feel as scary as they used to…
    But… seeing them in the light of day…
    I have tools now…
    I think I will feel all of this right now
    and try and love them
    and experience them..
    this is very enlightning…



  88.  #88Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 10:55 am

    Leigha it is interesting that you caught intuitive I am so intuitive and keep practicing it all the time. I am surprised that I have embraced it and it skipped my consciousness to write it down.

    I am also surprised that you picked up on quick wit. That part of me was a bit dummed down for a long time. I have a girlfriend is so much that that I thought she was rubbing off on me. However, I have to admit that since I did the surgery 3 months ago it is like I am feeling more like myself again maybe because I am feeling so grateful to be out of the constant intense pain. I have noticed myself going so naturally and easily towards my quick witted side in conversation even with strangers that I have been surprising myself lately.

    Thank you so much for giving me these insights and helping me to open up,



  89.  #89Leigha Lake on September 21, 2015 at 10:58 am

    Azure… Wow!!! That’s some pretty heavy stuff and it’s perfect.

    Even though these feelings are there – see if you can turn your focus to your light. See how long you can let your light shine without going down into the darkness. It takes practice. This isn’t about thinking positively but about awareness.

    I believe we were all meant to truly shine and express who we really are – our very most authentic selves. The more I allow myself to do this the better life gets.

    Anyway this is where April Rose’s post inspired me to go. 🙂

    I must be going now.

    Love, Leigha



  90.  #90Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Oh my I feel so excited about the second part. Imagining my body lighting up to 20 feet in front of me. Wow I feel all lit up like a “silly” child with a new toy just imagining playing with this.



  91.  #91Kim on September 21, 2015 at 11:08 am

    I have a question, and this is something I have come across many times in my life and with the men I dated and it has a lot to do, well everything to do with my personality (hopes, dreams, ambitions, happiness, goals etc).
    My question is:
    What do you do if the men you date have either no ambition and no real goals in life, or their primary ambition is career, meaning most if not all their focus is on the career and they will move/ go where the career is….so basically, how do you feel dating a man whose focus is not on building a life with a woman, i e you, but who has either zero ambition/goals/dreams, or their ambition is totally separate from their relationship and they don’t consider what their woman might want?
    This has come up for me time and time again and has made me very judgmental of the men I date. For example, I am a fun loving, always trying new things, always looking for ways to make life more interesting type of person.
    I understand bills have to be paid and I basically work to live…this means, if I want to move or be in a different field, I have just switched jobs. I am very flexible and therefore, if my man said ‘I want us to have a better quality of life, so let’s move, and let’s decide together where we would like to go and I see if this matches up with jobs’…I would be happy enough to look into that, excited even.
    I found though, everytime I have expressed a wish to a man, for example to move somewhere quieter or more into nature, there was no wish to accommodate this or even talk about it. I do not just mean my present relationship but past ones too.
    Increasingly, ladies, I have wondered whether I am just a free spirit and don’t have the wish to feel ‘held back’ by anything, not even a relationship, because life is so short..and there are some things I would like to experience.
    The more I want to experience them, the more judgmental and critical I get of a man who only sees obstacles and problems with ANY change. Doesn’t matter whether I feel lod, cherished and safe, I get critical and eventually frustrated.
    Maybe I am one of these people who just isn’t made for a long term relationship? On the other hand, I see couples who have dreams and ambitions that ALIGN and they move countries or set up their own businesses together or fulfil a lifelong dream, such as sailing around the world.
    So let’s just say I am dating someone who has been in the same job since University, in his 40’s, underpaid and underchallenged, but he wants to stay because he hates any change whatsoever….and would not even consider moving even though there are no children and dependants…and even though he would love to move to some of the places I suggested but that really, he likes his routine and the people he works with too much.
    I do ty to understand that. I really do. I just can’t. If I am bei honest. There are so many options and life is so short…and it might even be possible to work remotely..I mean there are so many possibilities.
    And me thinking like this is what gets me frustrated.
    I just don’t think I can do this whole ‘accepting a man 100% for who he is’ thing…when who he is is seeing obstacles and problems and not wanting to change anything until retirement. Like I said, it is a recurring theme in my life.
    Usually, what happens is I sever the relationship and go off exploring by myself. I dare say I never once regretted it.
    So, I guess I will stay alone?



  92.  #92Kim on September 21, 2015 at 11:20 am

    I do understand a man’s focus is on his career but let’s just say for arguments sake, someone is flipping burgers at MacDonalds. He wants to move but he likes his colleagues, so he spends the rest of his life flipping his burgers, even though he really would love to move to a cheaper area, with less traffic, but he just can’t make the change.

    Let’s say in the wonderful place there are plenty of MacD’s where he could flip burgers for more money, or they would even make him a manager as he is so crazy good at flipping burgers (lol), but whoa, that would require him to look for new opportunities and, actually, it just seems way too much work and hassle.

    So he is planning to wait 20 years, and hoping to still be healthy enough when he retires, to do all the things he likes and move then and live happily ever after.

    There’s a part of me who finds a lack of ambition very unattractive and yet, I can hardly speak since I have been all over the place in my career but I have been all over the world and made all kinds of amazing experiences…

    And when this fictional burger flipper gives me reasons as to why stagnation is wonderful, I say ‘ok, I understand’ but in actual fact, I don’t understand at all….because to me it is just the fear of change and the fear of something wonderful and new, that holds him back. Mostly though, when one is in a relationship, or a marriage, shouldn’t these decisions be made together or at least discussed together?

    I don’t know. I see so many compromising their dreams and ambitions just to be in a relationship and I am probably just not that kind of person!



  93.  #93Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 11:39 am

    Kim I know one guy on my job who seems to be like that. He is just content where he is he would not even take the chance to get more money in another unit doing something else.

    What I get here though as your work is communicating in a way that gets a goy so inspired he takes it on in his own time and way that he thinks it was his idea. I dunno maybe share it as a dream or fantasy you have inside rather than an agenda for something to do??!!



  94.  #94Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 11:42 am

    Kim I also kinda sense that maybe it could be about trust. Can I trust the man enough to make the big decisions for us and maybe we could commit to him making those big decisions while I make most of the others?



  95.  #95Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 11:43 am

    Leigha Lake… #89
    Thank you , Thank you…
    I do see what you are saying…
    I have found… for me…
    when you asked
    what was I afraid of…
    I took a deeper look and realized
    even though I have been embracing, shinning
    and feeling all those wonderful parts…
    Getting closer to Mr. Right
    and feeling adored, cared about by an Available man…
    is unearthing some of this stuff
    to be addressed… let out in the light of day
    and loved and given Tender care…
    When I do let this scary parts of me out
    to scream and carry on
    and missbehave…
    I am able to talk to her… love her
    and be her friend… she then shares
    all this amazing power with me
    and we can move forward
    into the light…
    does this make sense?



  96.  #96Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 11:48 am

    Leigha Lake…
    This all might be part of your
    Part 2..
    I am seeing the negative subconscious part of me…
    Saying I’m NOT all these wonderful things
    I DON”T deserve allllll the Magic and Abundance
    the universe has for ME!!
    AND when I befriend all these negative parts of my subconscious
    they become LESS and LESS negative power
    and more and MORE
    My Positive AMAZING self@@@!!!



  97.  #97Indigo on September 21, 2015 at 11:49 am

    Kim,

    I would like to add to this – that there are so many things that people, men, do and don’t do which I cannot understand and which makes no logical sense to me. For example, my ex D saying so many times that he’d love to settle down and be in a happy relationship yet doing nothing proactive at all to further this goal, or saying how unhappy and stagnant he was in his life, and being so obviously depressed, yet absolutely stuck in his dead-end job and dead-end lifestyle. Unwilling to make even the smallest of changes such as lobbying for his own office (since the chattering and disruption and constant turning on of the heater in hot weather of the women in his office used to make him feel irritated and drained by the end of the day). No. So many changes that would have been so comparatively easy to make that would have improved his life and happiness but he preferred apparently to stay stuck and have something to periodically complain about.

    I can only assume that a part of these people’s psyche is in fact more comfortable in his unhappy/happy state. They get some kind of pay-off from it. Or else the fear of the unknown, or the fear of who they may become if they expand and start to burst the skin or the mould of who they’ve been for so long is just too scary to go there. I don’t know. I can’t speak for you and how you feel and how important all of this is to you, but for me, it felt so dark and draining to be shackled to someone like this.

    I love how I feel when I am with more expansive, open-minded, adventurous people. People who see the world and possibilities as vast.

    That said, I will say that I have noticed that men in particular in general do not seem to like being told what to do. Many if not most of them will resist it. And if they feel that you are trying to push them in a particular direction, or make them feel like their choices or their choice of work/career are not good enough, I have noticed that a digging in of the heels usually sets in. From what I’ve seen, a man really has to buy in to a major life change decision in order to follow through with it. Preferably it should be his idea. I think it’s not so much that they don’t want to compromise or make their woman happy, I think it’s just the way it’s done. They want to feel like the leaders in the relationship.



  98.  #98Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 11:52 am

    Feminine W #88
    So wonderful to read all these
    exciting parts of you…
    I feel happy reading that you are feeling
    much Less pain
    and how that is allowing the
    real YOU to shine more and more
    oxoxox



  99.  #99April Rose on September 21, 2015 at 11:52 am

    Leigha Lake wrote-

    “If men could see who you REALLY are, what would they see? (Write down 10-15 things.)

    Then share how you felt doing this.”

    They would see….
    A brightly burning Sun, a mysterious and magical creature, an Empress, Queen of Spiders, Sister of Snakes, a beautiful and unusual Woman who is playful, enthusiastic, curious, awake, and intrigued by them. And kind and thoughtful, authentic and open. A fiery spirit with a melting, surrendered Heart. Quick, astute, and forgiving. A lover of Beauty and Nature. At home in the midst of the Creation….

    Writing that I felt a deep peace in my heart, and a soft warm breath reaching way down into the fullness of my belly.



  100.  #100Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    Well said Indigo. I was just about to write “they want to feel like the ruler of their world” when I saw your comment.



  101.  #101Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    Indigo…
    Really since Rori…
    i too have observed how men do NOT like to
    be told what to do…

    I am dating RM right now who is VERY expansive in
    what he likes to do…
    Wants to buy a sailboat and live on it… ME TOO!!! :-))
    BUT
    he IS retired… raised his 2 daughters
    and is now working again to add to his retirement
    so he CAN buy a big enough boat to live comfortably with (he’s hoping) me…
    he has such a wonderful expansive, light hearted
    way of looking at the world!!
    I am very much enjoying this!!

    The 2 men I got close to before him had a narrower
    Idea of how their retirement needed to go…



  102.  #102April Rose on September 21, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    Kim,

    Reading your post made me recall instantly a talk I watched yesterday, from the Madly in Love Summit, by a lady called Susan Bratton. She was speaking about how each partner in a relationship can discover their core relationship needs and values, and convey them to the partner in a ‘cheat sheet’.

    The idea I loved was that each partner be willing, not to do to the partner as they wish to be done unto them, but to meet the partner’s need as outlined.

    For example (maybe similar to yours) the man is a homebody, happy in his routine. And yet one of the woman’s core needs is VARIETY. Each must be willing to attend to each other’s core needs. It could even be fun working out imaginative ways to do this, particularly if they seem like irreconcilable opposites.

    Anyway, she has a book on this and I think it is a special price of ten dollars. If you like I’ll send you the link.



  103.  #103Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    Kim….
    Lovely Siren so good to see you here again!!!

    I also have met many couples who meshed so well in their expansive look at the world!!

    You and I know, Many men are simply homebodies…
    just like there are Many women like this…

    I’m surprised that you haven’t found someone
    in your area who is more free spirited…
    it seems like that kind of place…

    Just like Leigha mentioned… she online dated for 7 years
    and the last year went out on 50 dates
    I certainly am NOT saying you should break up with
    MoM… you all seem so happy…
    Many issues of emotional intimacy to heal and explore… what a wonderful feeling to enjoy
    and relax in being adored!!!

    Have you shared clearly on your profile your dreams
    of being more mobile… or is this something that
    living with MoM has inspired in you?



  104.  #104nyx on September 21, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    @Kim

    How lovely to hear from you again!
    Oddly, I can relate to both of you. I am very much a person who “know what I have, but not what I will get” person- at the same time as I am with you in the thoughts of us only having one life, and there is so much to experience!
    I’ve learnt that I love new stuff, but I like to have one or two constants in my life- like, say, I don’t mind- might like/love!- switching jobs, as long as I know my home and partner is the same… you are way more flexible, in being open to move and switch jobs 🙂 I am impressed 😀
    Just… get him into experimenting in thought? Applying for other jobs sort of “an experiment of thought”?- as in- do apply, go for an interview, get a feel of the place, the colleagues…THEN start to think if you’d like to accept? Do not underestimate people wanting safety in one area- it can be a great stepping stone to new areas in life 😉 and he might not accept the first, nor the fifth job offer- but for every application, interview, thought of “what if?”, “how about?”- he will be much closer to acting on it. And if he is anything like me- when he acts on it, he will be totally on board, no regrets 😀
    It is just that he has stepped up for you so far- bear with him just a bit longer 😉



  105.  #105Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    April Rose,
    this seems like a wonderful book.
    I’d love the link.
    Thank you!!
    oxoxox



  106.  #106April Rose on September 21, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    I don’t know how common or rare it is for each person in a relationship to share the same core needs.

    One of mine is for lots of touching and affection, and yet my last two partners didn’t have this same need.

    I guess the maturity level comes in when someone is willing to give you the thing they do not naturally understand as important.



  107.  #107Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.

    ~ Wayne Dyer



  108.  #108Indigo on September 21, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    Feminine Woman & Azure Blu,

    This tendency in men starts very early on too, I’ve observed. I au pair in the afternoons for a family with 2 children and one of them is a little boy of 8. Let’s just say that when trying to get him to do his homework, or ANYTHING at all for that matter, using any kind of pushing or shaming him into it is the least effective method.

    The MOST effective method is to lean back and give him the space to do it and trust him to take care of it, and praising him for his efforts (yes, the Rori Raye tools save the day once again!)



  109.  #109April Rose on September 21, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    Sure thing, Azure,
    Here it is.

    http://best.personallifemedia.com/sw-rm/



  110.  #110Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    Nyx #104
    Kim…
    Yes, i so agree…
    “It is just that he has stepped up for you so far- bear with him just a bit longer”

    Such a wonderful chance to explore more fully
    your soft, alluring Siren song of
    MoM feeling, becoming more mobile



  111.  #111Azure Blu on September 21, 2015 at 1:06 pm

    April Rose,
    Thank you for the link… I ordered it…
    It’s on my desktop now!! :-))

    I have dated several men, over the years, not as affectionate as I am…
    Even though, when I shared my need for affection, they tried valiantly to be more so…
    It really wasn’t what they felt much comfort in…
    I eventually did let go of them…
    “Cause I do soooo love a warm arm around me, a spontanious hug and a hot kiss!
    It is now one of my must haves when dating a man for long term! :-))



  112.  #112Kim on September 21, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    93 FW that’s genius! I am not sure it would work,really, as it is more a character thing and just being different people with different ambitions etc., but it is a great idea.



  113.  #113Kim on September 21, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    97 Indigo, I agree with that too…I think it’s what gets to me most. Talking about what other people have done and saying ‘oh if only’. Thing is, the only barrier we have is ourselves and it is definitely fear.
    And yes, I learnt tye lesson a long time ago, I never tell a man what to do anymore, in fact, I am way too far the other way. I would go off and do it myself without making much ado. I never had much time for roping people in or dragging them along, not man or beast. If I had, I would still be in a village of 200 people where the biggest excitement is watching someone you don’t know drive through lol.
    Seriously though, i am usually way too quiet about what I want amd tend to brood and just exit. Not the right way at all. I have observed that the women who actually are vocal about what they want and their wishes and dreams, run a better chance of having them fulfilled, I am just not that type.
    Sigh.



  114.  #114Kim on September 21, 2015 at 1:28 pm

    Nyx, I love your input! 🙂 thank you
    The type of man I am talking about will not even look at another job…the problem is low confidence too. He has never looked for another job, comparative wages or anything ever again once he had this one.
    It’s like he says he wants to buy a house, 10 years already he wanted to but has not looked at a single one.
    He is waiting to get fired, only then would he start looking, and he said ‘oh I might have to take a pay cut or maybe start bartending again’….to put this in perspective, the man has a highly respected IT University qualification, is extremely intelligent and diligent.
    I get so scared when I hear him say these things….most guys look to better themselves when they change jobs and look for opportunities but he goes to bed at night hoping he won’t get fired from the job he hasn’t had a payrise at in the last decade.
    This is why I am concerned, it’s pretty extreme I think. A lot of fear and very little self confidence.
    I can understand it to a degree, but it is not very attractive to me. I don’t think he has looked at a job page in 25 years. I don’t think he will, either, with or without me.
    There is just zero ambition.
    What worries me is the self confidence part.
    I think also, my leaning back has been extreme….as in, let’s just take this one moment at a time. And nothing has really happened since he moved in, no talk about our future and marriage or anything, all that is almost 9 months ago.
    If I am honest, I am ready to leave him behind.
    I will be sad but I don’t want to feel like I am dragging a dead weight behind me for the reat of my life or always waiting for a man to catch up with me….and the thing is, I feel fine.
    I feel good, like ‘it’s meant to be this way’ .
    So maybe this is an indication…it’s time.
    Yesterday when I tried to talk about our future and he said basically he doesn’t want to change anything, I just went quiet because I had no more to say. I did not say that I was upset or angry or I wanted him to change anything…because well and truly, I am just resigned now.
    He is overly lovig and affectionate, to compensate I guess…but if I am honest. I am losing the attraction now.
    Kinda like the end if I am honest.



  115.  #115Kim on September 21, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    April Rose, I would love a link to that book, thank you!



  116.  #116Femininewoman on September 21, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Kim that sounds so final 🙁



  117.  #117Kim on September 21, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Azure, thank you too for your kind comments!
    Oh yes, I had shared on my profile that I was/am a globe trotter lol! I attracted a lot of what you would call ‘driven’ guys, the exact opposite of MoM which is why we didn’t date exclusively for a while and on/off because he was too phlegmatic to book me up, and then sulked when I went out with other guys lol.
    Most of the others didn’t stick for ine reason or another…the slow tortoise won the race I guess….and now the hare is bored. Lol. He knows it and he is doing his best to have us on weekend adventures and doing the things we both love..but a life together, shared, is not the same as going on weekend adventures.
    It’s having a goal a dream and a reality together, a plan…like what shall we do, when and where shall we buy a house, when shall we get married, dear Kim, shall we have children?
    Nada.
    We don’t plan anything past the next grocery store visit.
    I have tried bringing this up.
    Why me though, I feel resistant to bringinthe same old cr*p up and frankly, I have been leaning back so much, it has totally stopped any meaningful conversation…so. IDK. I should dage again, and by date I mean men, not myself lol. Now we live together, he would be heartbroken…but he had so many chances and for over 2 years…and he knows how I feel. So…



  118.  #118Kim on September 21, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Dage? Date, date..oh poor saisage fingers ipad typing LOL



  119.  #119April Rose on September 21, 2015 at 3:31 pm

    Hi Kim,

    Here is the link

    http://best.personallifemedia.com/sw-rm/



  120.  #120April Rose on September 21, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    Leigha,

    They would also see the other dimensions of me that are…
    Slowwww…. sensual, very tuned into giving and receiving pleasure…. sensitive.. to the point where I sometimes feel crushed by the suffering I see in the world… compassionate beyond measure… hugely spiritual, and utterly committed to personal growth… encouraging, having my own back and the other person’s… artistic, creative and imaginative… colourful… deep…. very silly and giggly …. very serious about being real…. connected to everything.



  121.  #121Mandy on September 21, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    WOW did I go through a doozy of a weekend. I mean there was this feeling so strong it felt like it was boring its way through my chest. But some issues cropped up. I see why Rori would tell someone like me to tell J to leave the apt, so that I can heal because he gets hit on all the time by other women, he’s very attractive, so this won’t help my healing process…

    Awwww my CDs are SO sweet though, G almost demanded in a sweet way I call him and I thought that was rad and Valentine told me he misses me 🙂 That felt so good it kind of let me go from the pain I am experiencing losing J romantically.



  122.  #122Indigo on September 21, 2015 at 10:07 pm

    Kim,

    There was a time when I would have encouraged you to try this and that with MoM – and if I am being absolutely honest, I feel annoyed sometimes that on siren island there sometimes seems to be this sense of pressure to stay with a man when it may not be the right thing for you at all – but honestly, I feel if your soul is telling you that it may be time to move on I would encourage you to explore that and go with it. Our deep intuition knows what we need and what is best for us and that beautiful liberating feeling when you do what is right for you is like no other. I believe that in life there is a lot of letting go.

    Kim, you remind me a lot of a girl I used to be friends with years ago – very clever and strong minded, had very definite ideas about what she wanted out of life and for herself. She was very creative and free spirited, and also seemed to move on very quickly from relationships and situations that were not quite the right fit for her. I remember thinking that she was perhaps too picky and might be alone for a long time. Well, she is in a blissful relationship with another free-spirited type guy and he adores her. She has the kind of happiness she always wanted. It is out there for you.



  123.  #123Millie on September 21, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    I want to jump in (a bit late) on sharing what I would hope men would really see if they really saw me…(wait does that sound controlling?)

    If I were to stand there and be completely transparent, a man would see:

    1) that I believe that people are good. And I feel incredibly let down when I discover lack of integrity.
    2) That I have integrity
    3) I am extremely sensitive to my environment, to sounds, to smells, and am very perceptive.
    4) I want to be loved
    5) I can be cold when I don’t get what I want and feel unable to express it.
    6) I am ambitious and a do-er. I will overcome the odds.
    7) I am naturally talented at many things, mostly activities that involve balance.
    8) My heart remembers pain and has a hard time opening up to those who I fear will hurt me.
    9) I have goals to achieve more than I have financially and in experiences.
    10) I need to be challenged
    11) I am a romantic; in love with nostalgia
    12) I am gullible and extremely honest vs. sarcastic.
    13) I have a sense of humor, but it appears occasionally and sometimes by surprise.
    14) I am independent and rarely ask for help
    15) I crave a masculine man

    What do ladies think?!



  124.  #124Millie on September 21, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    Kim– I want to say that I too often get frustrated or turned off when men I date have a lack of ambition. Complacency is such a turn off for me….however, since I have found much happiness outside of work, in my hobbies, I have been able to understand how someone could not feel ambitious when it comes to their job. Lately, I do not feel passionate about my work–but I feel passionate about my hobbies and yearn for them, yearn to feed them, to make money to spend on them…I feel motivated but in a different way. For myself I realize, my career isn’t IT. It doesn’t define me 100%. That’s different though, than a man who recedes from life. When a man is more concerned about his career than a relationship, I think I would take that as a reflection of where he is in life and his priorities, and ask myself if I’m ok with that reality.

    Ladies, I’m so craving a new relationship, a new man to dote on me so I can let M go once and for all. I find myself getting triggered by a song that reminds me of him, or something that reminds me of him and I get SO worked up. I work myself up!!! How silly is that! I’ve imagined confronting him, what I would do, what I would say, and I feel so MAD inside. UGHHHHH It makes me so mad that people don’t consider other people…and that if he had taken just a little effort to communicate, it would have helped me tremendously. Instead, it’s a constant battle for me. Trigger central…thank you. I don’t want it to be anymore, however at the same time, I feel like I need something from him and I can never be completely over this until it happens. It’s so horrible, just a horrible feeling and I’m crying as I write this. Where are all the other new fantastic men to make new memories with?

    The other thing on my mind is my job. While it sounds amazing on paper, I don’t FEEL good in it. I really don’t . I’m trying to look for other options, but none seem to be exactly what I want. What I really want is to change careers, but I don’t have any money for that and I’m not sure I’d be happy…I don’t know work wise what will make me happy except that it’s set hours that will allow me to live my life how i want.



  125.  #125Kim on September 22, 2015 at 4:23 am

    122 hmmm Indigo….yea, maybe.
    I am also cognizant of the fact that it is not easy to keep me happy and that’s probably in large part due to my personality…borderline ADHD, easily bored, looking for stimulation all the time.
    I was not happy when I was with a very ambitious man who was extremely successful, but always working or playing golf with business partners. Now I have the total opposite, but I am not happy either lol.
    I think the lack of passion for anything and the lack of action is what is the worst…and I don’t know if I could be married to someone like that as frankly, it’s kinda depressing.
    I realize the relictance to change ANYTHING, like get married or get a house etc., may actually be a blessing in disguise and maybe it is saving me…
    Now the chips are down…I love living and being with him but I don’t know if this is all there is….there is some ingredient missing. Drive, passion, excitement for a new future together, common dreams or achievements.
    IDK. Maybe I am too picky.
    Thing is, I don’t even mind if I don’t find someone down the line. I have now very little motivation for relationship…I’d be quite happy alone…probably a bad thing to say on a relationship blog lol



  126.  #126Azure Blu on September 22, 2015 at 6:42 am

    Kim,
    Mmmm… darling Siren,
    You have dated many types of men…
    I think that is great… so you have a perspective
    of what feels good, what feels better and what doesn’t work at all..
    This uncomfortableness with MoM’s perceived lack of drive has always been there for you…
    Now you are feeling it more… day to day…

    Relationships do go thru different phases

    I downloaded the ebook that April Rose shared…
    it has some really good ideas for finding out
    what it is that makes each partner feel happy…

    I know if I did it with a man… it would create
    amazing emotional intimacy…
    Which is very scary but I would like to explore
    sometime…

    I do know what you are saying about not always being the one to move a relationship forward…
    But Rori and other coaches mention that if WE
    dont do it
    WHO WILL?
    For our own sakes…
    and always trying different approaches…
    as Labbit is always trying
    new, softer, MORE curious about our man

    Just rambling here, Kim,,,
    I haven’t lived with a man in 11 years and
    before that 19 years….
    so BRAVA YOU for trying!!!



  127.  #127Kim on September 22, 2015 at 7:07 am

    Oh Azure you are SO right, I totally agree.
    My problem is: I don’t want to work so hard.
    I don’t have the motivation to be a motivation for someone else. I admire you and some of the others (labbit..where is she btw?) for sticking with it and feeling things out and crafting feelling messages etc.
    This is my point: I guess I can’t be bothered.
    I really can’t.
    Maybe I will always be alone for that reason?
    I am really not so scared of that.
    I am more scared of being stuck in a relationship where If I am not the mover amd shaker, nothing will ever happen.
    I would rather spend the energy on me..
    This is selfish.
    I realise that.
    Selfish and a little cowardly.
    It’s also a pattern, once I get like this ‘can’t be bothered’, I usually just leave…after. I have already invested 1,2,5 years or whatever.
    Thing is, perhaps I could be in a relationship where I am my own stimulation and do a lot of things myself and alone so I don’t feel constantly stifled, but…in my current situation, I am not able to do that for reasons I don’t want to lay out here again.
    I have no doubt that if I had a car, a better income etc., I would be doing stuff alone all the time. Whenever I do, my guy sulks…but I don’t stop him from participating…I am just not willing to drag someone behind me for the rest of my life!
    So say my situation was different, and he was unwilling to change, further down the road I would probably fulfil my own dreams and get a little place in a different area…but he would sulk about that. We already discussed it and he said because of his job he won’t move….so I suggested to relocate partially, instead of buying a house, keeping my condo in the city so he can live there in the week for his job….and getting another small place where he can join me on the weekends two hours away where it is quieter and nicer…
    We have no kids and no responsibilities.
    He didn’t like that idea either and sulked, saying why I would consider being away from him all week.
    It’s not like I haven’t tried.



  128.  #128Azure Blu on September 22, 2015 at 8:29 am

    Kim,
    Gee… sounds like you have come up with GREAT alternatives…

    Is it the 2 hour drive? for him… maybe if it was only 1 hour away… is there something more sechluded closer?
    You could stay a few days a week with him…

    It doesn’t sound that unreasonable to me… but then you all JUST moved in together… has it already been 9 months?



  129.  #129Kim on September 22, 2015 at 8:43 am

    No, just 5. 🙂



  130.  #130Kim on September 22, 2015 at 8:46 am

    It’s not even open for discussion anyway…moving to my place, a studio, was supposed to be a temporary solution.
    Anyway, I need to really go inside myself and decide what to do…feeling very out of sorts lately.



  131.  #131Femininewoman on September 22, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Kim how about just plain old dropping all of these plans, agenda etc. and just plain old get bored? Even if it is in your mind…just to see what it would create with him



  132.  #132Kim on September 22, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    131 That’s pretty much where I have been in the last few months. My boredom has turned to grumpiness and questioning my sanity…I have been bored for 2 months already, no agenda, no mentioning of plans other than in passing if something comes up.
    I can’t outgirl him on that front. I see my lifetime ticking away in front of me. It’s tough for someone who wants to soak up every minute of life…I tell you.



  133.  #133Femininewoman on September 22, 2015 at 2:01 pm

    hmp



  134.  #134Leigha Lake on September 22, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    April Rose – YES!! YES!! YES!! I knew you knew – what a beautiful “list.” How did your energy feel after writing this?

    The reason for asking this question is:

    When we come from the TRUTH of who we really are (our soul – the list you wrote out) our relationship has to shift and it can only shift for the better – whatever that looks like (it may not look like you think it should).

    He may drift away leaving space for a man who can really see you. This is a GOOD thing!

    The first step though is letting who you really are shine brightly. THEN – IF he can’t see you when you’re in this “space”…

    Only you can answer these questions…

    Does this relationship bring MORE to my life?

    Is this relationship my true heart’s desire?

    Do I feel fulfilled in the relationship?

    Really let yourself answer these questions.

    Hope this was helpful!

    Love, Leigha



  135.  #135Leigha Lake on September 22, 2015 at 2:37 pm

    Azure – 95 – Yes, I totally get what you were doing and why you do it. 🙂

    Feminine Woman – 90 – I LOVE it!! I also love the quote by Wayne Dyer you posted. It’s so so true!!



  136.  #136April Rose on September 22, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Hi Leigha,

    Working with this is having a profound effect.

    Every time I consider my ‘list’, and the truth of my soul, I feel such a gentle peace blooming in my heart.

    Today I cycled to work thinking “Wow, I know I am kind and loveable and all these fantastic qualities. It just feels so unusual to bring that knowing to the forefront”.
    Dwelling on my problems and perceived shortfalls has been such a longtime habit.

    As I work more deeply with my list (did you notice I had written two?) I am finding more detail, and giving names to facets of my nature I have only previously intuited in the background. From this, I am growing in confidence in the appreciation of my true soul.

    It feels joyous to explore this.



  137.  #137Leigha Lake on September 22, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Millie…Yayyy!!! This was great!!! I would challenge you to go even deeper though… to your soul. 🙂 Notice how you feel after.



  138.  #138Leigha Lake on September 22, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    April Rose…I’m so so excited!!! Yes!!!!

    It’s always been there, you’ve ALWAYS had this…it’s just bringing it more into your everyday awareness…and this feeling your feeling..will only get BETTER and BETTER!!

    It’s our subconscious mind/beliefs that keeps us dwelling on our problems – feeling afraid, worrying and doubting. It’s what it was designed to do. To keep us EXACTLY where we are.

    Yes, I saw you had written two and I did see you had already written how it made you feel and I LOVED it!

    This joyous feeling can just continue!!!

    Oh I’m so happy you can feel it!!



  139.  #139April Rose on September 22, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    This is so much fun, I want to discover more….

    Anyone with eyes to see (and ears to hear) my true soul would witness….

    A sparkling ocean of glistening diamonds…. And, deep in that sea a thousand mermaids, each one singing her own unique and mesmerising song. Each voice a different register, from high sweet tinkly bells to deep low bass melodies that reflect the deepest canyons of the Earth.

    They would also witness a dancer with exquisite rhythm, graceful then wild, with strong legs and funny toes…. they would also feel my love of flowers and trees and grasses and fabulous vegetables… and see how every kind of garden is precious to me…

    … they would see how my body glows when jewels are upon it, how gold and silver each lend a different lustre… each so beautiful and unexplainable…

    They would understand how less means more to me when it comes to explaining… and how feeling and appreciating and listening to the subtle flavours in each moment is the food that nourishes of my soul.



  140.  #140Femininewoman on September 22, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    Leigha what I find is that I drift in and out of visualizing myself shining that light and wishing I could stay consciously doing it all the time. Seems my mind just easily and naturally drift to the dark and negative. I have been thinking about my shadow. She seems to be dark, grumpy and sullen. She jumps out in front of me unexpectedly at times and lash out almost like knee jerk reaction with criticisms. This morning I felt her fear and told myself I am safe as I felt my heart pounding deeply in my chest. Oh for a way to stay conscious of all these different parts of myself and embrace them all with love.



  141.  #141Mandy on September 22, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    Sirens I need your help today…

    So I know I said I’ve been having a great time with Valentine, went on some dates with him and he always says he misses me, my scent, my company, etc.

    He just posted on Facebook, in the news feed I get, this:

    “All I want is to date someone that can be my morticia Addams, I want to have twisted conversation and have such horrible times together.” This was last night he said this.

    We’ve been dating for more than a month, he says he misses me, yet he posts this on Facebook?

    It feels so awful I can’t stand it. I AM everything he claims he wishes he had and I know it. If it’s about his baby’s mother not letting him and that’s what’s making him feel that way, I can understand that, but to post that and not think of my feelings before he posts it…

    I’m sorry I’m starting to get the idea this guy just sucks. Maybe even as much as J, lol.



  142.  #142Millie on September 22, 2015 at 6:02 pm

    Leigha– how so?



  143.  #143Starla on September 22, 2015 at 8:35 pm

    Mandy, my immediate reaction reading that is he is trying to say he wants you and that he fancies you:-). Yeah, a bit passive, but such is the nature of social media.



  144.  #144Mandy on September 22, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    Starla are you serious? Why am I jumping to awful conclusions?



  145.  #145Starla on September 22, 2015 at 9:21 pm

    Cuz it can be hard to interpret what’s going on when guys are playing it cool. If I were to make a recommendation it would be to stop looking at his fb and to unzip your heart when you interact with him. What he meant by the thing he posted is none of our business to worry about.



  146.  #146Mandy on September 22, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    That is exactly what popped into my head, none of my business, maybe I should unfollow him, when you have someone friended on that site you are automatically going to get their posts in your feed so unfollowing would be smart.



  147.  #147Indigo on September 22, 2015 at 11:54 pm

    Mandy,

    I’m with Starla. Personally I have come to the conclusion that it’s not even a good idea to friend the guy you are dating on Facebook until you are a lot further down the line.

    I don’t think this Facebook post was said with any intent to hurt you, in fact I don’t think he was thinking much at all. This strikes me as just one of those silly things guys, and people, say which seems like an amusing thought to them at the time, and we make a big mistake if we read too much into it. Judge him by his actions in the rest of the relationship and stay away from his Facebook page if possible. I know that Dominique goes so far as to say this can fall into the category of snooping, and I tend to agree. Turn your focus onto something else.



  148.  #148Victoria on September 23, 2015 at 1:06 am

    @ Kim
    Kim,
    I sympathesize with you so much. When I was with F. I had such a hard time with his unwillingness to move/change anything. I guess this is the downside of dating phlegmatic men – they are so sweet, relaxed, balanced, accepting, understanding, non-judgemental. And, slow, procrastinating, unable to make decisions, unable to execute decisions.
    That being said, I am under the impression that you can never win if you are criticizing a man’s career choices (or anything esle for that matter, but the job is very strongly tied to his ego). If he is making more money than you, anything you say/hint/nudge will be judged vis-a-vis your own income, and he might be tempted to advise you to refocus your attention to improving your own income, rather than his. In my situation, I had a much higher income, but I could tell this was emasculating him, and, looking back, I can see that it is one of the main reasons why we would not have worked out in the long run…
    I think ideally we should date men who are very rich so that we can naturally admire their earning capacity, lol.
    What I am thinking of lately is what mistakes I made in my relationship with F. And, the biggest mistake I see is that I was not authentic with him… I am not judging myself or anything, it was a learning experience and all, but 3 years of my life were passed in trying to both please and manipulate him to change into something which he was not, and was not particularly willing to become, overfunctioning big time, celebrating his small occasional improvements as if they were tremensous successes, working myself to exhaustion, to the point I could no longer take it and had to break his heart.



  149.  #149Indigo on September 23, 2015 at 2:23 am

    Victoria,

    I think this is such a big thing you have said here. I was listening to a recording yesterday which was talking about how a man’s natural drive is to compete – yet when it comes to relationship you definitely don’t want to be the one doing the competing with him. That is why it is always better to lean back and appreciate – anything that makes him feel inadequate, whether it is giving to him as much or more than he is giving to you, or criticising his career choice, will trigger that competitive urge in him and that is not where you want to be as the feminine energy partner. That’s why I feel it is so much better to be with men whom you naturally admire and respect for who they are.



  150.  #150Victoria on September 23, 2015 at 2:56 am

    Indigo,
    Yes, yes, the only tricky part is if the men you admire might not care about you :-), but lets not worry our pretty heads about it becaaaause WE ARE THE PRIZE.
    Now on criticism etc and what being a man is all about.
    I watched a Tony Robbins presentation, where he explains that a man would not accept to be told what to do. He basically said that if someone told him not to wear a particular shirt, he would not only wear it every day, but would also sleep in it. This is apparently how men (and 4 years olds 🙂 ascertain their independance.
    Now, I don’t mean to contradict myself, but I also kind of suspect that with the right man (a mythical creature, isn’t he?) you can’t do wrong, and you will not have to hold off your opinions, it will be ok to say what you think even if it momentarily rubs him the wrong way, he will not dwell on it for months and seek revenge for it. I am kind of experiencing this right now, and it is both refreshing and strange.
    Like, I would say something, and realize a moment later it might have been rude/inconsiderate/whatever and I start to feel fear and I am thinking how to take it back, and the man I am dating now, he does not skip a beat, my stupidity just rolls off his back, and he still loves me. Now that is strange.



  151.  #151Dominique on September 23, 2015 at 6:03 am

    Victoria – 150 – It might feel strange, yet this is how it’s meant to be, how it is with a good man, one who understand you are have many shades and hues, the entire spectrum of the rainbow, and maybe more. Any self-perceived flaws or idiosyncrasies, your vulnerabilities, your fears even, will endear you to him all the more.

    xxoo



  152.  #152Indigo on September 23, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Victoria 150,

    I love it. I agree with you completely. I think with the right man these worries of pushing him away forever will be momentary, or at worst they simply represent our insecurities, and do not really have to do with his feelings for us. I think it’s just as Dominique says, and the right man at the right time will be just like this.

    Yes the men we admire may not always care for us in equal measure in return, but the right one will 🙂

    I have met a man (who is coming home and coming to visit me on Friday! yay 🙂 ! ) whom I truly naturally respect because of who he is at a deep level. He is in conservation research and anti-poaching of wildlife, and his passion is for the bush, and this is something which touches me at a very deep level and I truly feel a sense of “my hero” when I look at him. He works away from home much of the time and I cannot even bring myself to be that sad about that, because I respect his career and how much he loves it so much. He’s also just a very earthy, genuine kind of guy who is so sweet and open and warm with the way he is with me. It’s early days of course but I feel just these very comfortable, naturally loving feelings towards him. He’s romantic too – keeps in touch with sweet messages and emails and tells me all the time how much he wishes I was with him. Brought me roses and dinner on our second date. Anyway. I’m looking forward to this weekend and seeing where/how this goes.



  153.  #153April Rose on September 23, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Leigha,

    I was out today, feeling all the joyous peaceful feelings. I went into a cafe and as soon as I saw a man, I had a wobble. I felt strange and uncertain.
    It seems I can only think and feel these good things on my own…?



  154.  #154Lovergirl on September 23, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    I finally got Tinder working again on my phone and am overwhelmed with guys hitting me up. Only, one of the first guys I ran across was S. 🙁 I saw his profile and quickly shut off the app, rather than swipe yes or no. At that time he didn’t have anything written and there was just a picture (and not a very good one) of him with some other guys. At first I thought it was his friends profile, because I noticed him first- the pic barely even looked like S. Then I looked down and saw his name and was like, whoa…that IS him. It said he hadn’t been active in 7 days.

    Anyway, the next day I sign on and after swiping a bit I get his profile again. This time its a much better picture and he’s written a blurb about himself and moved the other picture back and added some others. He has lost weight. It says he was online 28 minutes ago and I’m thinking it must have been over his lunch break. I read the blurb and he is saying how he has been working out again would like a relationship and to have his own children someday.

    I cannot express how excruciatingly painful it was to see that. It really tore me up. I swiped no on him (kind of accidentally) so shouldn’t see him again, but OUCH. 🙁 🙁 🙁 I keep thinking of the miscarriages and all that we went through and how can he want all this with someone else, but not with me? It hurts terribly.



  155.  #155Azure Blu on September 23, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    Indigo #152
    This guy sounds sooo awesome!!! :=)



  156.  #156Azure Blu on September 23, 2015 at 2:17 pm

    i remember when I was dating DF (the fiance that died)

    He owned his company and traveled quite a bit, out of the country and all over… BUT he made sure we were together all the time when he was home… He kept in contact while he was gone
    and I felt so adored and cared for
    that the times he was gone I did not feel abandoned…
    actually it was a good time for me to catch up with friends and family
    and take time for me and my job!!

    SOOO different from my last CD- BK-
    who was gone fishing and hunting alot
    but refused to call or keep in contact when
    he was gone
    and then never wanted me to know when he got back until he felt like it…
    that was his style
    of course we know there is nothing wrong with that…
    unless I don’t feel cherished, cared for and happy
    and I express how I would like things to be
    and if my needs aren;t anything he is willing to change
    and then… I have choices
    My choice was to let go and move on.



  157.  #157April Rose on September 23, 2015 at 4:15 pm

    (((((Lovergirl)))))
    I feel you, sweetheart.
    And I think you are so brave to acknowledge the hurt, and still keep loving yourself.



  158.  #158tereana on September 23, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    I’m so mad at myself!! This is *NOT* the way I wanted to begin my “new year.” Meaning, the Jewish New Year.

    I had ONE prayer. ONE! And I had an opportunity to realize that prayer, right there, in the moment. And I didn’t seize it. I didn’t grab it. And it was because of fear.

    Here’s the deal, in short: my roommate was terrible to me the other day. I asked a perfectly reasonable question, and she responded to me vehemently, and with a terrible attitude that was just not acceptable. I thought right away, “She can’t stay here. She has to leave.” But I was shaking. I was emotional. I decided to let my emotions calm down before I said or did anything.

    Next day, I felt better, but I still didn’t say anything. I felt a little calmer. I thought, “Maybe I don’t need to jump to just push people out of my life.” And then the other voice, “But what about defending yourself? She treated you badly in your own house. Are you going to stand for that?” So I kept going back and forth. My “gut” and my inner compass were clearly telling me that I had a chance to stand up and say something, to use my POWER. And I WANTED to. But I DIDN’T. I convinced myself that I was having more “power” by knowing that I could and not doing anything.

    Well, BS.

    I also had this thought: If I don’t do anything about this, someone else might step in and say the same thing that I want to say. She might decided to move on her own.

    Well, voila! That did happen.

    Only a few minutes after I stepped out of Yom Kippur services, actually. And during the day, I had come to a decision: She needed to leave. I was going to text her. I told myself not to, because of the holiday. But really, I could have. Was G-d going to stop me? No! Of course not. I took a nap. I felt good. Until I got her text. “Crap. That’s what I was going to say.”

    So it kind of ruined my night.

    My prayer – what I really want for my “New Year” is to be more badass. And this whole incident with her is really what started me thinking about that. And here I am, NOT being badass. Letting things go their own course, without my participation. Just sitting back, letting everything slide around me. She gets to speak rudely to me in my house, and instead of me saying something, she just waltzes on out. I don’t even have a say in the matter.

    Except I did write back to her that I had been thinking the same thing – that it wasn’t working out and that it was really a good thing that she is going.

    Overall, in the big picture, does it matter? The result is the same. I got what I wanted. But I want to feel powerful. I want to feel effective. I feel right now, as if I let someone walk all over me. And that was absolutely NOT the point.

    I know I have this in me. I have a badass person that just wants to be released. I know I have a compass I can trust. But my signals get so mingled and confused sometimes. What I know to be true and right will float up to the surface, only to be pushed back down again by some other idea. And while I’m busy trying to figure out what is the right course of action, and sort out my true feelings and directions from the false ones, someone else is there grabbing the reigns, pulling my horse all over, and I lose the control I was so desperately trying for to begin with.

    *sigh*

    So we are supposed to start the new year all refreshed and clean. I haven’t so much as gotten out of the starting gate before I got schmutz on me. Now I need another Yom Kippur to get rid of this, practically. I need to do this. I NEED to access this inner core of myself that stands up for myself and knows what to do. I know that she’s there. I know I can trust her. I’m afraid of repercussions. But ultimately, what I should be more afraid of is losing, or at least not using the power I have over my own life. This is power that I am not using every day. I’m suffering for it immensely. But unfortunately I was trained all my life to question everything about what I know about how to live and what to do. I was raised to not trust my own inner guidance and intuition. I was raised to believe that my instincts were false and/or flawed. And even though I know they are not, I still find it hard to follow them without pausing to consider all my other options – or just to not do anything at all.

    Ugh. Sorry. This really got to me. This has rattled me to my core. First the incident, and now this. I really needed a place to vent and bring all this out into the open – help me to process and think, and maybe get some support. I’m 35. I’m both too young and too old. But I’m definitely at a point in my life where I need to be relying on myself, and I can’t just be letting other people decide what happens for me. I hate that feeling more than anything. I know I am a “control freak.” And I am afraid of being a control freak. But really what it means is I continually give up my power. Still.

    AND THIS NEEDS TO STOP.

    I guess I get to start my new year with a little bit of forgiveness. And then see if I can do it better the next time. Not that it will be the same. It will be quite different. But it will be something.



  159.  #159tereana on September 23, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    Addendum: I got what I wanted, but not because I asked for it. Not because I spoke up. Not because I used my voice. I just happened, by chance. I feel no agency in the matter. Just an impotent sense that, hey, maybe if I keep my mouth shut, things will totally work out on their own. Because this is probably how my life has been working out, up until now. But this isn’t how I WANT it to work. I want to be involved. I want to be asking for what I want, and I want to speak up when someone doesn’t treat me well, and I want to ask to be treated better, and feel good about asking, and reject things and people that are not good for me, and trust myself to know that I am acting in my own best interests.

    This is my prayer for myself this year: to be more badass

    So far, I haven’t done it yet. But it’s there. The impulse is there. I want to pray for myself that I can learn to access this resource, this source inside me. It’s always there for me. I just don’t know how to use it, live it, be it yet. It seem like others have the confidence to bring that out. And every time I don’t use this power, I fall further back into self doubt, and it becomes a recurring, self-fulfilling process. I pray for another opportunity to use my Power, that I can access it, without anyone’s permission except my own.



  160.  #160Indigo on September 23, 2015 at 11:07 pm

    Tereana,

    It was also relatively late in life for me before I started standing up for myself and for what is right, and using my power and assertiveness the way I wanted to. I was about 27 before I decided to face someone who was behaving badly and tell them directly how it made me feel and that it wasn’t right. I had been raised all my life to be extremely courteous and I suppose I took that to an extreme and I agonised initially for weeks over whether to say something to this woman and what to say. This is a process Tereana, and it is messy at first. Go easy on yourself. When I finally said something to her, which was really just a speech consisting of two lines before I went and sat down again, it felt like a tornado exploded around me. I was shaking inside, and this lady responded with unmitigated shock that I had dared to challenge her. It was briefly messy and she had a bit of a cry and then went to our boss and told him what had happened… but the whole thing settled down very quickly and she treated me with renewed respect after that. It’s generally been like this every time I’ve stood up for myself and said something. I feel inner shaking and nervousness and there is a brief commotion and things settle down to being better than they were before. In fact, that inner sense of shaking is how I’ve come to recognise that I’m probably doing the right thing. It gets easier with time and the more you practice, but it DOES feel slow and messy. This is not a bad thing.



  161.  #161Victoria on September 24, 2015 at 12:10 am

    Indigo, Tereana,
    I read your exchange with great interest because I am just the opposite. I guess I am badass by nature, and to my mind, this is not a good personality trait. It took me years to tone it down. Especially, when I was younger, I would often speak before I think, and I would very often hurt people without meaning to, or I would overreact and make a huge fight over a minor issue. What I have leart to recognize is that the best battles are the ones you can choose not to fight, and if there is a way to solve a situation in a round-about way, without a direct conflict, this is always the better solution.
    The older I get, the more I appreciate the benefits of diplomacy, taking into consideration the other party’s interest, trying to “leave some meat on the bone for them” as opposed to pressurizing them to the wall.
    Especially in my field of work, you can not survive unless you are courteous and diplomatic, and I kind of wish I was natural at that but I am not, and I am still learning to do it, every single day.



  162.  #162Indigo on September 24, 2015 at 1:43 am

    Victoria,

    Very well said. I believe there is a time and place for speaking your mind and standing up for yourself, and saying what you feel is right and wrong. But no one likes to be pushed. No one. I feel like any conflicts where you have to strong arm someone into doing what you want or what they should are hollow victories. Always better to inspire, encourage, motivate and trust. And yes definitely sparing people’s feelings is always ALWAYS a better way to go. I have come to really admire people who deal with situations with calm almost detached strength.



  163.  #163Femininewoman on September 24, 2015 at 6:16 am

    I am sitting here loving this exchange. When I read Tereana’s comments, it hit my psyche that yes synchronicity is happening. The Universe is handing to you what you want. The Law of Attraction is working for you because of your thoughts and emotions. I saw such a powerful moment to be grateful. I also said yayy because I’d like to be in relationships where I get what I want without having to ask for it. What is more badass that magnetizing to myself what I want?

    Then I continued read and I said hmmmm how perspective can change what we experience and how we interpret it. Which would I prefer to vast Universe standing up for me with all its abundance or my lone voice speaking up for me? Then I kinda heard the echoing and reverberation of the Universe using my voice and the vibrations of it all around me echoing the thing I want. Yaassss I will embrace success in whichever way it shows up for me. Life supports me.



  164.  #164Femininewoman on September 24, 2015 at 6:19 am

    Do things happen by chance? Or does the Universe feel my vibrations of my thoughts and emotions and move on my behalf and just hand me things I want? Whatever it is I love that perspective and am feeling like a baby opening up, experimenting and learning to be grateful for all that comes to me.

    Thank you Tereana for sharing this experience.



  165.  #165Indigo on September 24, 2015 at 6:36 am

    Feminine Woman 163,

    I love this. I cannot count how many times things have just showed up that were good for me where I did absolutely nothing to make it happen. All I can really do is shrug with upraised palms and say thank you.



  166.  #166Victoria on September 24, 2015 at 6:44 am

    FW,
    My first reaction was also, what can be better than getting what you want without having to ask for it?
    But on a second thought, it seems to me that what Tereana wanted first and foremost, was to reciprocate in kind to being hurt by the other girl.
    Or may be this is just what I am reading into it?
    But it reminds me of my life’s situations, when for example, I could see a relationship was not good and not working for either me or the man, but if he would have the courage to cut it off and I didn’t, I would feel so hurt, even knowing that we are both better off without each other.
    On a different level, I have had more than one situation at work, in which someone was mean to me, and I was very hurt, and when it became known to management (without me complaing), the person got fired. And, in those situations I got what I was hoping for in my anger, but then I also felt so bad for the person losing the job (chances are they had plenty of other reasons to fire them), but still, the Universe is responding very quickly some of the time, I am trying to learn to be careful what I wish for.



  167.  #167Azure Blu on September 24, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Victoria #161
    I too have struggled my whole life (64)
    to reign in my knee jerk anger…
    Always too QUICK to take up for myself
    never listening to other peoples side

    Ahhh… a life time of Trying desperatly to figure out
    what in the world is causing me to get sooooo
    upset that I literally blank out and say and do things
    that I sooo don’t want to happen…
    hurting peoples feelings, doing their emotional work
    (so unfair to ME) scaring people away from me (when I REALLY want them to stay and be close…)

    I had gotten much better
    BUT
    not until I found Rori (thank you BKcd)
    in three short years…
    I have found the KEY
    to ME loving ME
    and letting go of the fear and DEEP self hatred
    that must have been driving all that RAGE!!!

    Such a relief to be able to let go of a situation
    and quietly share my boundaries
    (Of course Not always perfect)
    BUT so much better than ever before…
    now I have noticed people feel like they can emotionally trust me
    they can get closer to me than ever before
    and I am able to appreciate and accept the love
    they are bringing to me!!

    and it has gotten even better in the past year!!!

    Thank you Rori and Sirens
    The universe has so sweetly guided me to the AMAZING love
    and gentle kindness I sooo craved…
    there is a verse in the Bible that says:
    “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”



  168.  #168Indigo on September 24, 2015 at 9:38 am

    Azure Blu,

    I have found that leaning back helps tremendously with the anger too. Just simply imagining myself taking a physical and psychic step back, walking away, disinvesting myself, just letting go of the outcome for the moment, stepping back and really giving the situation a chance to reveal itself. Over time, this dissipates A LOT of the anger for me. I find I often get angry because I am projecting onto other people – my expectations, my way of doing things, my agenda… It causes resentment when the other person doesn’t play along. When I can really lean back and redirect my energy the anger is eventually replaced with a peacefulness. Takes a fair amount of time and practice to get there but it does do wonders.



  169.  #169Azure Blu on September 24, 2015 at 10:13 am

    Indigo… #168
    I Sooo much agree!!!
    ” I find I often get angry because
    I am projecting onto other people – my expectations, my way of doing things,
    my agenda…
    It causes resentment when the other person doesn’t play along.”

    Yes… I’ve gotten so much better at seeing how MUCH
    I want events and people to use MY solution…
    (especially with my children and men I’m close to)
    When really Their way of doing things are just fine!!!
    i have been able to observe how I want to push
    and control a situation…
    With the wonderful tools of Rori and her coaches
    I CAN step back, lean back and
    SEE MY PART
    and take care of ME…
    Which, as Tereana put so well,
    is the hardest job of all…
    and a job I love!!!
    ;0}



  170.  #170Lily on September 24, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Hi Rori- i am listening to the Love Scripts for Relationship series and i have a question about something you talk about in it which is: You are say to share your feelings with him and tell him it’s not his fault and you dont need him to fix it. But next you say in a script example ” I feel…angry, sad, hurt or whatever the feeling is and ” how can you fix this?”
    I am confused, it seems contradictory. Can you clarify?
    Thanks so much!



  171.  #171Femininewoman on September 24, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    Azure reading your comment reminded me of something like an aha moment recently. I realized that I had this belief that I have to fight for everything I want in life. That led me to struggle and confrontations. I was mostly angry all the time and didn’t even realize it. Even when my kids would say I was angry or asked me why I thought they were crazy. The belief had me fighting for everything unconsciously. I even realized that it was part of the reason I overfunction in relationships. Now I am so to curious about letting go of that belief allowing things to come to me without doing anything that I am constantly feeling so open to experiment with it that I look for opportunities to.



  172.  #172Liquid Light on September 24, 2015 at 3:12 pm

    Azure,

    “I too have struggled my whole life (64)
    to reign in my knee jerk anger…
    Always too QUICK to take up for myself
    never listening to other peoples side”

    Me too, Azure. This rings so true for me too. And makes me sad that I do this with people so frequently. It really has caused a lot of damage in my relationships, especially with my family and close friends. Really makes me sad. I’m not sure how to get over it but this realization that it causes so much damage helps. I just need to keep beating it into my head and perhaps I’ll get better at controlling my anger. Ughh. 🙁

    Thanks for being so vulnerable and brave about posting this Azure. It makes me feel better and that maybe I’m not such an awful person and that others struggle with this too. You are such a sweetheart, Azure! Thank you so much for your openness here on this blog. It really has touched me deeply! 🙂



  173.  #173Valarie O'Ryan on September 24, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    April Rose (35) – I couldn’t imagine any man being this open with me either!

    Until I started being more open myself. I didn’t realize it, but I would hold a lot of my true feelings back. I was afraid to voice them (good or bad).

    AND I had to seeing myself as inspirational – whether there was a man around or not. That meant cutting off that voice that kept telling me no man would ever see me that way.

    I’m not going to lie, it was difficult. It felt easier to go with the negative voice. So I had to remind myself constantly to say to myself the things I wanted to hear from a man.

    Your self-thoughts & self-talk are going to be echoed back to you again & again – by men, by everyone…

    Think of it as a recording that will playback to you almost word for word.

    SO, once this sunk in, it was WAY easier to say delicious things about myself (though it took a little more time to BELIEVE them).

    And pretty soon the ugly things I had been telling myself felt like lies.

    And the good stuff felt real.

    This made it possible for a man to see these things in me and express them.

    And, weirdly, it’s made it easier to express what I’m feeling out loud to my man…

    Love, ~Valarie



  174.  #174Rori Raye on September 24, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    “It’s not your fault, and I don’t need you to fix anything…and yet, I would appreciate it so much if you could help me with this. Is there anything you think we can do to fix this?” Or “Is there anything you can think of to fix this?” I will eat my words if you can show this to me – but I can’t imagine myself saying “how can you fix this?” in those exact words….Love, Rori



  175.  #175Indigo on September 24, 2015 at 10:54 pm

    Liquid Light 172,

    One thing my mom said to me when I was trying to get over certain behaviours that I was doing that were brought about by extreme anxiety, and I felt so ashamed and just wanted to beat myself up and be so hard on myself… she said you really can’t get over a negative behaviour by driving yourself to stop doing it or by making yourself feel so badly about it that you hope you never do it again. This kind of approach causes panic and such a fear of “messing up” that failure is almost guaranteed. I find a more effective approach is practicing extreme mercy with yourself, going inside yourself and really feeling the feeling which is causing all this chaos. So for me it was anxiety, for you it would be anger, just going in there and really feeling it, no matter how scary and awful it feels, just summoning up the courage to be with those feelings WITHOUT acting out on them. Then just slathering love and compassion on yourself. In time, your inner self will probably reveal to you *why* you have those feelings, or that’s what happened with me anyway, and that helps a lot too. To know that these are not irrational, random urges, but that they serve a very specific survival purpose. From this point you can start to talk yourself down when you feel extremes of these feelings, and reassure yourself that the danger is not so bad, that you don’t need these old defence mechanisms any more.



  176.  #176Mandy on September 24, 2015 at 11:38 pm

    Weird, I went on a CD with a man I just met on OKcupid…we went to a lovely sushi dinner, and remember how I’d felt ignored by Valentine? Oddly enough during the date Valentine texted me and said we should go to coffee together, amazing how that happens when you keep him as one of the guys in your rotation, right when you are on a date with someone else. Lol!



  177.  #177Femininewoman on September 25, 2015 at 4:59 am

    I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.

    — Audrey Hepburn



  178.  #178Azure Blu on September 25, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Liquid Light #172
    Mmmm… thank you for your soft warm appreciations to me!!

    I agree with Indigo… we can’t HATE ourselves to be better…
    Rori’s tools of MUCH gentle, sweet love
    Slathered all over our anger…
    is the only thing that has melted it down…
    It does take awhile (maybe a lifetime)
    but I’m soooo much better than I used to be!

    Much Love you Liquid Light, and to your courage
    for being vulnerable here on Siren Island!!!
    oxoxo



  179.  #179Starla on September 25, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Rori, this brings up a big question I have. What if you ask him what he thinks we can do to fix something, he says he doesn’t know, or says there is nothing, or tries to end the conversation?

    I wouldn’t know what to say or do next! One option that does come to mind is thanking him for listening to how I’m feeling and then go care for myself to the extent i can to feel better.

    Chances are he might decide to think of a solution once you’ve released him from the obligation without guilt.



  180.  #180Indigo on September 26, 2015 at 2:59 am

    Starla,

    I have this same question/concern. The one thing that keeps stumping me is – we have all these tools for sharing how something makes us feel, for asking if he can help or fix it, for giving him the space to step up and do or change something, but if he doesn’t behave properly or if he chooses to do nothing… what? Our only choice is to…. leave the relationship then? It just seems so wrong somehow.



  181.  #181April Rose on September 26, 2015 at 3:58 am

    Indigo, Starla,

    This is all part of a man showing us who he is.

    Rori devoted a whole tele class to ‘Partnership’ in the last Love Forever call.

    If a man hears our feelings and considers them, he can be a good partner. If he dismisses them or doesn’t even give them the time of day, then he can’t be a good partner.

    I like what Starla said here – “Chances are he might decide to think of a solution once you’ve released him from the obligation without guilt.”

    In my experience I think I have laden too much expectation on my feeling messages, and as such they have not been coming from femine energy but instead from ‘strategy’ to make him do something.



  182.  #182Indigo on September 26, 2015 at 4:31 am

    April Rose,

    Fair enough.

    However this: “I like what Starla said here – “Chances are he might decide to think of a solution once you’ve released him from the obligation without guilt.”

    In my experience I think I have laden too much expectation on my feeling messages, and as such they have not been coming from femine energy but instead from ‘strategy’ to make him do something.”

    Whilst I understand it, and I understand that it’s not good to ladle expectations onto our feeling messages… Well, surely if we’re saying he can be a good partner if he listens to and considers our feelings, and cannot be a good partner if he dismisses them, surely that is an expectation in itself?

    No one wants to be with a man who behaves inconsiderately or badly or dismissively, but saying to have no expectations whatsoever seems to me like blurring the line to where we can no longer distinguish when behaviour is bad. Surely some expectations are a given. For example, in my relationship I don’t expect to be cancelled on at the last minute when we have plans in a manner which is rude and dismissive without a plausible explanation. To me that is dealbreaker territory. But having no expectations means… what? that we don’t expect the date to even take place? I know I’m exaggerating to make a point, but to me it can be hard to distinguish where the line is.



  183.  #183Indigo on September 26, 2015 at 4:32 am

    And if a man chooses to do nothing about something even after you’ve shared that it feels bad to you, having no expectations means you don’t expect him to? You simply walk away or let go of the relationship? Is there no middle ground solution?



  184.  #184Femininewoman on September 26, 2015 at 5:43 am

    “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

    Dr. Wayne Dyer



  185.  #185Femininewoman on September 26, 2015 at 6:10 am

    For me the key is in choosing to let go of expectations “in my mind” just to see how life plays out for me. To see if I can experience my energy as being light and flowy. To see how people respond to me. To see if I can identify when people relate to me having expectations. For me it is about playing with my curiosity and to tap into my belief system.



  186.  #186April Rose on September 26, 2015 at 9:29 am

    Indigo,

    It comes back to feelings and how you want to feel with a man. It generally feels good if he comes through for us, listens, and has our back.

    If he doesn’t, and it feels bad, then it’s back to Rori’s question to ask ourselves “Why am I here?”.



  187.  #187April Rose on September 26, 2015 at 9:32 am

    I don’t think we have any power to make a man act on our behalf.

    We have the power to stay open and say ‘next’.

    The key to keeping ourselves happy throughout the discovery process is in the lightness of our spirit, and curiosity about our own beliefs and attitudes, as Femininewoman said.



  188.  #188April Rose on September 26, 2015 at 9:37 am

    We can ask him to do something, but we cannot make him do it.

    I asked a man (by e-mail) if he would find a way to not smell of cigarette smoke when he picked me up from the airport after I had been away for a month. I said I wanted us to have the best start after being apart, and that cigarette breath made me feel turned off.

    He collected me from the airport smelling of cigarettes, and didn’t mention my request.

    I want my forever man to be a non-smoker. And so it is on with the next phase of circular dating.



  189.  #189Indigo on September 26, 2015 at 10:00 am

    April Rose,

    Yes I think this is it. Especially this part: “We have the power to stay open and say ‘next’.”

    This is really the honest truth of the matter, and to know that we are valuable. For me it is simply sad how many men you have to say “next” to… how many men simply are not willing to exert themselves to care for your feelings. But that is the way of it I suppose, until you meet the one.



  190.  #190April Rose on September 26, 2015 at 10:15 am

    Indigo,

    I think we can turn that around with a combination of feminine playful magic, and a pinch of masculine logic.

    Logistically, most men in th world are not our ‘one’. We may need to meet thousands of men before he shows up. (That’s the masculine logic part).

    And, if during the course of meeting these thousands of men, we somehow touch them at their core, magically, with our siren song, we can believe that they then go on to be wonderful partners for other women (that’s my dreamy, feminine part!)

    Not to mention it is meant to be FUN and HEALING doing all this dating… 🙂



  191.  #191Azure Blu on September 26, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Starla #172
    “Chances are he might decide to think of a solution once you’ve released him from the obligation without guilt.”
    YES… I have found this to be very true…
    When I give a man/people time to think about
    things…
    They usually either bring it back up in their own time
    or change their behavior as a response,



  192.  #192Dominique on September 26, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Indigo – Not holding onto expectations doesn’t mean you are not allowed to choose which you get to do every step of the way.

    There are things in a relationship which simply are, no wondering or pondering necessary, such as love, consideration, and whatever else you deem as an isness, as something which must be in your relationship.

    The rest you need to consider, in other words whether something is a deal breaker or not, whether you can love and accept him just as he is even if nothing ever changes.

    The thing is though, with a good man, one who wants to make you feel good, one who wants to see you happy, he WILL change – as you do. He WILL heal through your heart – as you do. And he can then take you deeper inside yourself, alone and together, than you ever could on your own.

    If something arises which doesn’t sit right with you, try to remember that he’s not perfect just as you are not; he can get it “wrong” sometimes just as you can. He can forget, hesitate, become preoccupied and self-absorbed at times just as you can. AS LONG AS it’s not a habit or pattern, as long as it’s not a deal breaker. Unless it’s totally awful, for the most part you may want to let it go UNLESS it sits in your heart and begins to fester. Then you would want to speak up, and of course as you know, you would make it all about you and how you feel, maybe what felt bad, or maybe what would feel better depending on the circumstance.

    Does this make better sense?

    xxoo



  193.  #193Azure Blu on September 26, 2015 at 10:55 am

    April Rose #190
    Love this whole post of yours!!!

    “we somehow touch them at their core, magically, with our siren song,”
    and all the fun and Healing We experience with them!!!
    Ahhh… positive, sunshiny vibrations here…
    I will be caring that to my date today
    with RM
    I told him on our last date that I had wanted to get a fire pit for my back yard (but it isn’t allowed in my townhouses)
    and he went out and bought a firepit and has it set up in his backyard for tonight!!!
    I know it may seem unbelievable
    but I am still
    holding back
    strungout on Spirit (had 2 dates this past week)
    and online dating??

    I LOVE your time table Azure…
    I love you
    You are my lovely, sweet, innocent heart
    and I want the VERY best for you…
    Soon!! :-))



  194.  #194Tereana on September 26, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    Well, my feelings about my roommate have subsided somewhat. I’ve accepted that the situation resolved itself beautifully, in a way, and maybe I didn’t HAVE to be the one to say something. Maybe my prayers were being answered about it all, without me having to intervene, and maybe feeling like I had to be the one to say something is just my ego talking. Wanting to “do it all myself” – even where G-d/the Universe/Spirit is concerned! How arrogant that would be. So I let off the steam of how I felt about my interaction with her, and the whole affair, and now I feel better. Although I haven’t had to actually see her since then. If I did, I suppose there would be some stress. But I feel stronger about it.

    And I’ve been taking my PMS supplements, which helps with the moodiness A LOT. It’s amazing how much that stuff can impact how I feel/act/react to people and situations. Just absolutely amazing what a big difference it makes.



  195.  #195Tereana on September 26, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Last night, I watched a movie that I would *highly* recommend. In fact, it’s been on my list for a while, because I already like Joseph Gordon-Levitt. But I suggest that you all go out (or stay in) and watch Don Jon. It sounds cheesy. Supposedly it’s all about porn. And it is, kind of. But I really like how he handled it. (I also read something that he wrote/said about it during the time when the movie came out, and that’s what made me want to see it in the first place). And the way he dealt with it was just so…brilliant is the word I’m thinking of. It was artistic. He captured something about human behavior.

    And (spoiler alert) there are two women in the film. At first, I thought I liked the first woman. But I didn’t identify with her. I identified with the “weird” woman who gives him porn, who cries openly, who seems not at all his type. But in the end…well, I won’t tell you the end. What I will tell you is that I cried. Suddenly and without warning I was just bawling tears that I didn’t know I’d been storing up.

    It is not a sentimental film – AT ALL. And I appreciate it for that fact.

    What really got me was, not just his character, but I think also Julianne Moore’s acting. Something about the way she embodied a truly “broken” person, who has something so full of heartbreak about her, and yet there she is, being alive under whatever circumstances, and being someone who can connect, even if it is not in a “traditional” way. And she has DEPTH. And her DEPTH has value.

    I think that is why I cried. Because I AM her. I am someone who is broken in so many ways, who maybe has lost the fantasy I once had that there was a “right” way for romance to happen for me, and that when I found that way, that person, I would get married in my 20’s and have kids, and it would all be hunky dory.

    And that’s not my life. And that almost happened, but it didn’t, and now my dream, that fantasy is shattered and it’s too broken to put back together. I feel too broken to put back together. And I am the weird girl who will give a guy porn (maybe), or talk about weird things, and cry openly. I’m that girl – that woman. And it really surprised me that this movie made me feel valuable – that there is something about me that might be good to another person.

    That was so good that I cried.

    Right before the movie ended…Lol



  196.  #196Tereana on September 26, 2015 at 12:43 pm

    Indigo (160) – thank you for that!

    I most appreciate what you wrote about the inner shaking being a sign that you are doing the right thing. I know the exact feeling you mean. It’s the feeling that scares me off, that makes me think that I am NOT doing the right thing – this is the feeling that I’ve learned/been taught not to trust. But I know what you mean, because that feeling is definitely telling me something. And it is a process. I can keep experimenting. Thank you…



  197.  #197Tereana on September 26, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Victoria – 161

    I appreciate your point of view also! I think that the people I admire most in this respect are the ones who can speak up for themselves in a measured and honest way that can still be diplomatic. For example, using a Rori Raye script might work in some circumstances – where you talk only about how you feel and your experience, without blaming the other person, but you are totally honest and you don’t spare any of that or hold back. I think that would be a great way to go. In the end, my personal opinion, is that when people hold on to resentments or let things slide that offended them without saying something because they don’t want to “make waves,” it can seethe under the surface and turn into something much worse than when it started.

    I would like to be more diplomatic. But I’ve done that. I now need to uncover the more “alive” part of me, and maybe let that come out, so that I can find the middle ground that makes the most sense



  198.  #198Tereana on September 26, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    FW – I love your perspective as well! And as I think I just wrote, I think I’ve come to be more at peace with that aspect of how it all happened. I feel like looking toward the future, at the new roommate who will be moving in, and choosing that relationship, with the other roommate’s input so that this can turn into an even better living situation.

    Plus, I acknowledge that I don’t know my roommate’s full story. Maybe the issues she has are nothing to do with me. I still get to trust myself and my feelings about her, and I do feel more solid in that, right at this moment…



  199.  #199Indigo on September 26, 2015 at 1:11 pm

    Dominique 192,

    Thank you for your beautiful explanation. Yes I think I understand. Does this mean then that if he does NOT necessarily want to see you happy, does not necessarily care to make you feel good and does not change or heal through your heart, if the consideration you desire is not there, then he is not a good for you man? If you cannot accept him as he is then you must of necessity walk away? Sorry for the simplistic seeming question, but probably seems like I need clarity on this 🙂

    xx



  200.  #200Mandy on September 26, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    You know…as a person with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, diagnosed and treated, my biggest problem is laser focusing on that which I fear.

    And losing a man’s attention can be just that fear! When I was 16 I was no nervous sitting by the phone every day waiting for my crush to call that I’d forgotten to eat and lost a bunch of weight (mostly muscle). He was terrified, he would hide from me behind his friends and say “Don’t let her see me, she’s obsessed with me!”

    I still have that focus. I am much better obviously now at dealing but I still get stuck and it is much much harder for me than it is for most people to un-focus. It’s like trying to get your leg muscle to un-cramp, but it won’t let go.

    I kinda have this problem right now. I can’t seem to find anything to focus on, hobbies, etc. Depression can really make you NOT want to do anything and yes, I am depressed, that’s my other issue.

    Luckily I am medicated for both conditions and under a doctor’s care, but when I came across Rori, it’s like the imagery and everything just let my mind let go and let me feel so good.

    I need to be reminded again, I am so rigid and worried right now. Ugh, Why didn’t I get the cd’s when I bought Modern Siren??? >_<



  201.  #201Dominique on September 26, 2015 at 3:28 pm

    Indigo – Yes that’s exactly it. He may be a good for someone else man, just not for you.

    xxoo



  202.  #202Mandy on September 26, 2015 at 8:26 pm

    If a man doesn’t respond after you say something to him, when he started the conversation, is that any reason to feel bad? It seems I’m dealing with someone who has severe ADD (kinda like me) but I tend to takes it VERY personally when he doesn’t respond to me online. Any suggestions? By the way…I don’t dislike his ADD, it reminds me of me and I feel very comfy around him because of it, lol. 🙂 We’re definitely birds of a feather, warm, bubbly, talkative, giving, caring, nurturing (Definitely not like J and I, I tend to have to use all strength just to get him to lighten up a little.) It feels good to talk to someone I can relate to and who gets me, and who tells me I get him. It was an incredible awesome shock when I spent time with him because I could tell the sheer difference, this person is a bright light, with great taste and sort of into twisted stuff like I am. I’m glad I found such an awesome friend. He’s too cool.

    I just need to figure out this response thing because I honestly feel abandoned when it happens then I feel guilty for being over-dramatic.

    I have to be greater than this moment of stress, I just have to be.



  203.  #203Indigo on September 26, 2015 at 11:39 pm

    Mandy,

    From working on my own stuff, I can honestly 100% hands down tell you, that this:

    “I honestly feel abandoned when it happens then I feel guilty for being over-dramatic”

    and this:

    “And losing a man’s attention can be just that fear!”

    is where your issue lies.

    I’m not sure if these words strike you or jump out at you the way they jump out at me, but as long as you are carrying them around with you, like Sisyphus pushing that great boulder up the mountain every day, you will continue to be both terrified by it, and simultaneously attract it into your life.

    For me, it’s the fear of rejection. I didn’t realise that I had come to be so terrified of it that I was all but letting it run my relationships with people. Both dreading the moment when someone would reject me, and being attracted to rejecting people. It’s my kryptonite, and I’ve come to this realisation recently. And you know what? I choose to let it go. I choose to take all those people who have rejected me in the past, and forgive them all, and put them in a box and leave them in the past. I am drawing a veil over that whole aspect and chapter of my life. I choose NOT to be rejected and I choose to have nothing to do with rejection. So for me it means not jumping to the assumption that I am being rejected, EVEN if I am. I am choosing to walk away from rejecting people, they have no place in my life. I choose to be the chooser and the decider in my own life now, to treat other people with kindness and inclusion, and to believe they are doing the same with me, and to have nothing to do with people who don’t. I feel really really strong when I think of doing this, running my life more proactively, and not out of some fear.

    I would like to encourage you to do the same with abandonment, and this fear you have of losing someone’s attention. I believe that whether Valentine is abandoning you or not, your real battle lies with your fear of it. You need to decide how YOU want to be, what kind of woman you want to be in relationships, and not just as a response to what he is or isn’t doing. Honestly someone not responding to a comment when you are having an online conversation could be either here or there. It depends if you said something which requires a response, it also depends on how you feel. But I’d really encourage you to be more proactive here, and not jump to the conclusion that he is abandoning you. But ALSO to ask yourself if he is the kind of man who will provoke these fears in you.



  204.  #204Tereana on September 27, 2015 at 9:18 am

    My issue is that I get tired of being “a sweetie.” Where, being a “sweetie” is essentially equivalent to “letting everyone walk all over you and decide what’s best for you with as little argument or push-back as possible.” This, I am just going to assume, is what I was rewarded for as a child. Being “a sweetie” was a good thing. Whenever I argued or pushed back, I was either ignored, ridiculed, or punished. So I have learned that pushing back and speaking for myself is dangerous.

    I’ve been observing myself closely in the last few days. I’ve realized that I find people to be, on the whole, very scary. Everyone seems “big” to me, and I feel “small,” even though I am usually either the same size, or in some cases physically larger than the other person. Or at least I am a normal adult size. But for some reason, I feel that I am smaller, or at least that whatever is in my mind is smaller in comparison to how much it matters next to whatever is in the other person’s mind. It occurs to me that another person can use language or their body to intimidate me, and this works. I get intimidated very quickly, whereas I suppose this doesn’t happen for most people.

    Recently I had a moment with my other roommate, where I got to observe myself, on sort of a testing ground, I suppose. My roommate went into the bathroom without announcing she was going to shower, at the exact same time that I was going to get ready for bed. I was really tired, and I didn’t know how long she would be. So I knocked on the door. She later apologized, and she took a really quick shower, but it really messed up my going to sleep routine, and consequently, I was anxious, and couldn’t sleep, and I was annoyed.

    I decided to say something about it, and she said that it was over and done with because she had acknowledged it an apologized. She kept shutting me down and saying that it didn’t warrant discussion. Like she had simply decided it was over, whereas it wasn’t over for me. Even the next day, I am still too tired, and I need my energy for various things today. I can’t be losing sleep. It’s not healthy for me. So her one moment was forgivable. But it has a long-term impact for me. And even if she realizes this, the thing is, when I knocked on the door, I was asking for a solution – to be able to just get my toothbrush and brush my teeth in the kitchen while she showered (we have only one bathroom). She said, “Can it wait?” The real answer was no. But that wasn’t how she asked the question. It was a one-answer question. It was – can it wait? As in, yes, it can wait, and if it can’t, then you are being a big inconvenience to me. As if this was not already an inconvenience, and at least if I could do one thing, then I wouldn’t just be stuck waiting. So I was like, ok, I guess so. And then she proceeded to be in there for a few minutes more. She came out and apologized. I said thank you. But I still felt that I was not heard.

    Texting the next day was my way of communicating that it still was not right with me. And she said she did not appreciate me mentioning it.

    So here’s what I observed: There are moments where I do get up the gumption to say something for myself. And when I do, it takes so much energy just for me to say one thing, that I often get toppled backwards if someone challenges me. For example, I knocked on the door to ask for one thing. She said, “Can it wait?” I wasn’t prepared for this question. So I quickly jumped to “pleasing” mode, even though I knew – and the answer was screaming inside me – that, no, it couldn’t wait. Because my body needed rest, and it was now that I needed to prepare for bed, not in 5 minutes, not in 10 minutes, but right now, this minute (princessy) as that may be).

    This is partly just my shy nature. I am not always shy. But parts of me are, and this particular “function” takes a lot of my energy. I am not used to having to push through. If my request is denied, I usually just crawl back into safety, because things are getting too challenging. I guess this is my next stage to work on – when I make a request, to stick to that request. I am way too likely to take the person’s response initially without challenging them back, without making my case. And later feeling resentful and “taken advantage of,” even though I started with an intention of being forthright for myself.

    Finally, in the end, I knew what I had to say in response. I asked her not to keep shutting me down, because I wouldn’t mention it if it was not relevant.

    So then she stopped challenging me.

    But she also stopped talking to me. She started avoiding me, and went in her room and closed the door. Then she also made a request for me to do something else. It was like she was striking back, trying to punish me for my honesty and for sticking up for myself. At least that is how it feels. Removing affection (so to speak). Removing herself. Denying my feelings and point of view, and then removing when I insist that my feelings matter.

    [I have this same exact experience with my dad, on a regular basis]

    The thing is, she is very able to stick up for herself. I admire her confidence and the fact that, when something is not right, in her opinion, she will say something, and she is not afraid of the consequence, or the response from the other person. She knows that whatever it is, she can handle it. She is not intimidated by my other roommate, the way I have been. The other roommate’s “B*tch face” doesn’t bother her. But it does bother me. It does make me anxious. It does make me want to shrink and hide, and it makes me angry and indignant at the same time.

    Roommates will teach you a lot.

    People will teach you a lot.

    And I know that, in order for me to be a good partner, I have to be very good at speaking up for myself, and I have to be not afraid of challenging my partner or someone else when something is wrong for me. I just haven’t learned how to do that yet without illiciting a strong response from the other person that seems to say to me that whatever I am doing to saying is something “wrong.” So I seem to have two bad options: 1) stay quiet and simmer on my feelings, and feel like I am being “walked on” and suspect everyone sees me as a doormat, which is how I feel, and 2) say what I am thinking and feeling, and being accused of being arrogant, selfish, bullying, b*tchy, and any number of other epithets. Mostly people don’t say these things. What I really risk is people not treating me the same, not being as friendly to me, not spending as much time with me, and being grouchy and not as open.

    It’s just odd to me. We talk often on the blog about how valuable an emotion anger can be, when it comes up. That it is telling us something important and it can be powerful and intimate to communicate anger. But I don’t experience that. All my life, people have only ever gotten angry at me for being angry. I suffer disrespect, aggression, and rejection when I express anger (and I have tried many different ways to express it, so the mode of expression may not be the problem). I don’t know how to fix this. I could try “not to be angry.” But this is a failing endeavor. I will, at some point, be angry. I will need a way to communicate it. I need something – some missing ingredient that is not currently present that would make the anger OK.

    I don’t have this.

    And it’s killing me slowly.



  205.  #205Tereana on September 27, 2015 at 9:20 am

    I would love so much to go to Rori’s weekend workshop. I know I can’t afford it. The plane ticket alone is more than I can afford, never mind where to stay.

    But a girl can dream…



  206.  #206Indigo on September 27, 2015 at 9:36 am

    (Goodness, I feel as if I have been offering a lot of “insights” on the blog recently, I hope I am not being a blog hog)

    Tereana,

    I think you are mistaken in thinking that other people can simply blurt out their anger or negative emotions without fear of the consequences or reactions of other people. I suspect that the reactions they get are every bit as strong as the ones you are experiencing, but very likely they are not as deeply affected by it as you are. Very likely you are just much more sensitive to the energy of other people and to their responses. I recognise a lot of what you are saying because I used to feel/believe that too.

    But if you can own your sensitivity, then the honest truth of the matter is that you are not like other people. You will care more about the effect you have on people, about how they respond to you, you will feel their energy more, and if you are triggered around rejection, you will be sensitive to that too. All these things play into the equation before you choose to speak up and I have found it is best to make peace with that. To realise that I probably will always be more cautious about speaking up, and more sensitive to the result, and that is *not a bad thing*. Do you really want to be the person who goes running her mouth off about every little truth and spewing her feelings about every negative thing all over other people in the name of standing up for her boundaries? I sure don’t. If something is bothering you, it is a GOOD thing to consider how important it is, whether it is worth speaking up, and how you want to express yourself. I believe being a partner is not only about being able to stand up for yourself, but also very much about picking your battles. Not everything is worth speaking up over, especially the negative. Dominique has many articles about this.

    However, if you decide you do want to speak up, and only you can make that call, it is a good thing to consider how you want to approach it and to do so in a calm and non-blaming manner. To own your own feelings and ask if they could help you out in resolving this situation. Doing this does not make you a doormat. It makes you wise. It makes you self-controlled and a good communicator. It means you value relationships and the feelings and boundaries of others, as well as your own.



  207.  #207Mandy on September 27, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Indigo, jeez I was floored by the clarity and truth and what bell rung inside me when I read your post to me.

    Yes I have abandonment issues big time, I was the kid in school who no one wanted to sit with at lunch at one point, uprooted from my home town every three years, then when I needed my Dad the most he was gone doing something for the Air Force. So then Also being sheltered so very much by my parents, I’m completely naive as to how it is to not depend on someone so I’m definitely figuring that out and it is scary as hell.

    What I want is to un-learn that reaction to no response, just “what’s next”, being in the moment, like my cat. Sometimes I’ll get a jarring reaction like a heart palpitation.

    I know how to get out of the locking up but it’s a feeling thing, not a thinking thing, I can’t make a strategy of how to do it, it has to come to me. It’s almost exactly like being creative on demand. I have to have inspiration, that’s where I start surrounding myself with the things I like and it seems to be helping, I have at least one CD telling me I sound like I’m heading in the right direction and he’s there to be an ear. Just keeping myself having something to look forward to, whether someone asks me to coffee, or I get a new cut and dye job done on my hair, or nails, or whatever I’m feeling at the moment and it’s very odd how much it helps, you’d think it wouldn’t make much of a difference, but when you’re down and you take care of yourself, I think you feel dignified, so you can be sad gracefully.

    So I kind of gave myself permission to try it out very casually with a feminine energy guy and see what happens kind of as an experiment. It’s very confusing being someone who has tons of masculine energy and is always offering to do/help/fix/smile. I wonder why that is. I feel guilty relaxing too sometimes, but recently when I feel the guilt I try to boss it back and call it a bully and tell it to go to it’s corner with its Dunce Cap on, lol. Gotta breathe that one out that one is tough. Woo-hoo….

    I have a lot of these rigid psychological reactions to a lot of what goes on in life and I know I’m trying too hard to control it but sometimes the behavior just won’t “unlock” and I truly become terrified, as though I’d forgotten my training. I know I’m out of practice with something. What is it. Worrying so much about others think definitely isn’t it.

    Everything feels weird and foreign right now without J to call my guy, I want to hug him all the time, and give him those kisses on the cheek then I remember I can’t.

    I am staying open to guys I don’t feel attracted to right away though they can be very helpful.

    Staying in the game, not giving up…I know there’s something I went back to my old ways about and I need to examine what it is and feel it out and then I can loosen up on the issue.



  208.  #208Mandy on September 27, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    Guys make me so mad sometimes,. I’m an Air Force brat and I had this former Marine tell me Air Force isn’t really military expecting a laugh from me and I practically sneered through the phone.

    I just had another guy try to say one of my CDs doesn’t like me and it’s not working and menacing all these assumptions that I don’t have any fun with him and that really pissed me off. It was like he was trying to manipulate me emotionally to edge the other guy out, and he has been cheated on recently.

    I sure as hell won’t let him bully me. I am SO tired of people trying to lay claim to me. Ugh. That absolutely has to be consensual for me. Don’t get me wrong. When I decide to spend time with a man, I am under his protection and am with him and engaging in conversation and I’m not paying attention to any other men. He’s quite obviously got my attention and I have to intention of turning it elsewhere, and he can treat me like his precious jewel as he so pleases. I just feel gross when Iooked at like a piece of meat by a strange man I don’t have any attraction to, and then people say the most manipulative things to try to get in my pants. Granted, when I dress up and go out and night I can’t expect not to get attention but some people just have absolutely no social skills. I hope men are being coached on this by someone. If I have to do it myself I just might!!!!!! Masculine energy dying to be released here…

    Ugh, I’m not looking for random on-night stands, I’m not that kind of girl. I like a connection and talking. I like to be appreciated for my strength, intelligence, creativity, femininity, etc. I just have been reminded of what jerks people can be. Just jaded and awful.

    Gosh I feel so much like a hot-headed Viking shield maiden right now. I just hope I don’t explode on some poor person who doesn’t deserve it.

    One thing though with CDing is some guys will say stupid things and I guess sometimes you might have to try to forgive but I’ve always been an easy one to tease because I give a passionate reaction and that’s how people see I can be manipulated because I’m honest and loyal.

    I wonder how I can be honest and loyal while repelling this manipulative crap.



  209.  #209Tereana on September 27, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    Sorry to bore you guys with all my silly roommate details. Since I’m not dating a whole bunch right now, I guess this is my proving ground. This is where I’m getting my introspection and a different kind of “growth edge” experience. Could be worse.



  210.  #210Tereana on September 27, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Indigo, I really value and appreciate what you wrote. I think you are absolutely right that my sensitivity plays a big role here.

    After I wrote #204, I realized that maybe part of my difficulty was in my expectation of response. And that most people probably do not respond “well” when another person is angry at them. And I interpret this hurt or angered response as directed back toward Me, as a kind of punishment or a comment on how I am being as a person. And it may just be a natural response.

    But like you said, I am more deeply affected by the emotions and energies of people around me. I always have been. But unlike a few lucky people who were raised by caretakers who understood their sensitivity and treated them in a positive way, my sensitivity was ignored. I was supposed to be “strong.” My sister was “the sensitive one.” I think my parents had it backwards.

    I didn’t learn that I was a highly sensitive person until 7 years ago (that long already???), and I am still getting used to the knowledge. I guess it hasn’t beem long enough for me to “own” it. It still feels foreign, wrong, even though if is very much true for me.

    And even when I own it inside myself, it is difficult for me to own it outside myself, especially to communicate about it. I find myself panicking a lot because I don’t expect others to respect or respond to my needs. I feel that I am the one who can know and that there is not way to accurately communicate it outside of myself. It’s a long learning practice. This is perhaps the hardest thing for me to learn.

    I try to talk about my sensitivity without using my sensitivity. I don’t know how yet, but I sense that using it is the way to go here…and not see it as my enemy

    Thank you, Indigo!



  211.  #211Zia on September 27, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    Hi everyone! Been following everyones posts here but busy busy in my world. Less than two weeks until I move house (yay!!). Super excited. Life is super busy at the moment with work/study but everything is going well. Should find out if we’re having a boy or a girl on Wednesday 🙂



  212.  #212Mandy on September 27, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    Rori’s email on assuming a man loves and cares for you can get you far, I like it.

    I just want to feel like everything I’m doing isn’t wrong or messed up or failing, lol.

    I wonder how I sound like I’m doing.

    I don’t feel mad right now but I really miss valentine. It’s a direct result of opening myself up to someone new who I may not have talked to if it weren’t for Rori’s staying open tool. Didn’t realize there were other men under my age totally worthy of a coffee date.

    When I think of it we’re just like some kids very drawn to each other and rightly so. The texting slowed down when he got a new job and he actually apologized over and over again and I was thinking and feeling like wow, he’s owning up to it.

    Men really like it when you show them some respect, glow towards them and show your curiosity, that is for sure. and confidence that I could rock his world and just had a whatever happens happens attitude and the only thing I wanted was to share some of his time with him, not have a label, not seal the deal…just talk and be together and have our playtime. I know it’s still in me, I just have to uncover it from all this stuff I’ve become wrapped up in, (being J).

    I just told J’s parents I need to live alone and so they need to help him get a place because he can’t do it by himself and he needs treatment. One thing I need to remember is that J living with me could very easily throw me off my Sireny balance. That is what he does, he kind of drags you down with him.

    The nature of the thing between V and I is we let each other get so close to each other but only so close. I shouldn’t try for a boyfriend ever again I don’t think, I need something to show a man’s invested in me, like maybe a promise ring, or it could be just a man telling me he wants to take care of me, go to measures to show he’s invested in me and has interest in seeing just me, I think I deserve to be taken out to coffee, dinner, cocktail, lunch, brunch, driven in his car by him, his help when I need it, and a response when I want one when I call or text.

    He is so good at making a woman feel gorgeous it’s not even funny. He’s a fan of all the things I like, music movies, art, poetry, etc. In the very least I’ve found a hell of a friend. What I want right now is someone to talk to, hang out with, kiss, snuggle, and we do. He is always kind and never, ever nasty. He tells me he wants to get me something special to how his affection. I’ve never had that before. I am not used to that. He feels really happy he can see me light up like I do around him. Truly a warm, sweet human being. How interesting. He even tells me I have his protection. We’ve been intimate and that works so well it’s ridiculous. So, I guess what I’m saying is I really want this to be in the moment. This is all definitely attributed to how he was raised, such as a woman paying for him is a no-no. He knows I’m sweet on him and explained to me he can’t commit any more than he is right now and I took it like a pro, he said he just loves how cool I am about that I’ve found that happy space there where I just like the time we spend together and that’s that…it is always really good in the spot. I do know what’s going on, it’s just a few things have turned my internal compass off, and i am just tuning it in again. Really this is the most fun part, I should enjoy it. I’m hearing myself say all this and I suppose we’ve built a lot of intimacy together with all the texting we do and when we are together we do nothing but snuggle and be intimate, and I love seeing how much he likes it. I can tell he really wants that in his life. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a 24 year old who’s so incredibly masculine.

    It’s like the artists, creative types are the ones who get me, the ones who know some poetry, who like art, who make art, who have passion, I just can’t get along very well with a guy who just likes sports beer and his car. I want and need passion. I know there’s always another awesome one out there I just need to get off this “quick fix” thing. I also have a severe amount of impatience for someone who doesn’t get what I’m saying and kind of doesn’t think very deeply.Challenging me intellectually is foreplay to me.



  213.  #213Millie on September 28, 2015 at 12:20 am

    Hi Sirens,

    I’ve been really busy but stopping in to read posts here and there!! I gave a power speech yesterday. This guy I met and was curious about even though he seemed to be interested in a physical relationship. I felt curious and slept with him, enjoyed it in the moment, but after the moment passed… I didn’t feel like I really wanted it that much. My goals really outweigh that momentary affection. He texted a sweet text but asking when we would be in bed together again… And I’m so proud of myself for being honest and letting him know that while I feel attracted to him, I’m at the point where I only want to continue seeing men who express curiosity about who I am as a person and as a possible future partner. As much fun as friends with benefits can be… I want more passion wise, what do you think… And he responsed saying “good point” and that the distance I live away from him makes things very difficult. I agreed and was ready to say goodbye. He said he didn’t understand why we can’t just see each other “here and there” considering that I work crazy hours and do my hobbies weekends and asked to “keep it casual.” I responded saying that I didn’t see a point in doing that and that I have goals in life, and “keeping it casual” isn’t one of them! I felt so proud of myself for being so clear, assertive, and unblamey at the same time! Needless to say he said goodbye. Part of me feels like that conversation never needed to happen since I knew what he was about from the start, but the other part of me was curious to see who he was and give him a chance, but I just want so much more and I also don’t want to be blamed for my schedule or where I live as being an obstacle. I really want to start saying what I want out loud and living it… Then I feel more of a chance of attracting it. Also, saying no to what you don’t want feels incredibly empowering.



  214.  #214Indigo on September 28, 2015 at 12:57 am

    Yay Millie!!!

    I am finding circular dating to be so much fun and good practice for that kind of thing!



  215.  #215Starla on September 28, 2015 at 5:17 am

    Tereana, I totally relate to being sensitive and panicking when I share it or think about sharing it. My mother is an undiagnosed borderline and while I don’t qualify for the diagnosis myself, I get so sensitive and generally don’t expect to be validated or cared for when i express it. I did express it for years, and now I am observing my thoughts instead of expressing them. I think that expressing them and seeking validation is a way to take the edge off anxiety in that moment and not a long term solution, so I am no longer engaging them through over analysis or sharing them with my man for that “fix” of validation. It feels awkward and scary not to stand up for myself, but so far this is having a better long term effect on my experience. Getting comfortable with doing this is a long road that took me years, and I had to meet a man who wouldn’t abandon me.
    Yes, you are sensitive, but you are also a victim of overused synapses and adrenals. You can rewire and reform these and your experience if you are ready. It is very hard to give up the rumination habit, though. But if you know your rumination is just anither way you desperately seek validation, and that seeking validation us the obsessive compulsion of your sensitivities, you will find yourself more willing to abstain and simply mindfully observe.

    I feel your pain, girl. It is not easy and it took me years of wanting to occasionally die and ruined relationships before any of this truly clicked at a meaningful level for me.

    Also, when I do express sensitivity and then feel panic and regret, I just suffer through the craving of wanting to fix that bad feeling, like suffering through a cig craving. I just observe my thoughts and feelings and feel the craving to feel better, and go on about my day. Exposing yourself to these awful feelings is the only way to become less sensitive to them.

    And I totally know what you mean about how other people seem to get upset and don’t care what their man thinks. I am also totally jealous of these girls, lol.



  216.  #216Femininewoman on September 28, 2015 at 6:09 am

    Millie that is absolute incredible. I was just reading something from a coach of men – Scott McKay – who was talking about women who don’t listen to men who they speak. You did. He said lets keep it casual and you said no thank you. Bravo to you for standing up for what you want.



  217.  #217Femininewoman on September 28, 2015 at 6:17 am

    Zia I hope all goes you want it. Blessings on your baby regardless of what the gender is.



  218.  #218Azure Blu on September 28, 2015 at 6:46 am

    Millie #213
    You should feel VERY proud…
    such Sireny conversation with this CD
    and I love this…
    “I only want to continue seeing men who express curiosity about who I am as a person and as a possible future partner. As much fun as friends with benefits can be…”



  219.  #219April Rose on September 28, 2015 at 2:32 pm

    Mandy,

    I wish I could express how joyous I feel to read this
    “It’s like the artists, creative types are the ones who get me, the ones who know some poetry, who like art, who make art, who have passion”

    I love how you know this about yourself. I am discovering the very same thing to be true for me. And I am totally surprised. My eyes have popped open at the realisation!

    That can be why online dating feels draining. I haven’t come across any artists on there…yet 🙂
    And I feel so tired from having tried to bend myself to fit ‘regular’ guys. I don’t think they have the broadness and depth to match me.



  220.  #220April Rose on September 28, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    And so, I am narrowing it down. Casting my nets wider but with a more specific bait!

    A man who knows there is something bigger than himself, who is connected to the light. Not only artists, but also those with a greater mission. Whose heart encompasses something more global – the environment, wildlife, people in need.

    Indigo, your recent posting about the man who works in conservation made me feel the same. Touched at a deep level, and the sense of his heroic nature being very attractive.



  221.  #221Mandy on September 28, 2015 at 2:44 pm

    Starla, and Tereana, allow me to express my empathy to the both of you…

    I have OCD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder as well as Tourette’s, and I feel you….

    I ALSO don’t expect to be validated or cared for when I express it, and I ALSO very naturally afraid of people, ever since I was a little girl, I’d hide my face in my mom’s chest if I met a stranger and they started going on about how cute I was, very strange reaction that was not learned, it was natural and is natural for me for some strange reason…

    Point being, it is a tough card to be dealt! I am here to tell you I HEAR you and I feel your struggle! Fear is hard to deal with.

    Rori’s tool of unzipping and staying open even to scary people helped me unfreeze and not go numb…I think of the Siren tools as weapons in the battle against the fear that attracts manipulative people to me! The tools have not only helped me with men but they have allowed me to learn to loosen up and that usually I am BY FAR my worst critic!

    HUGS from me to you!



  222.  #222Mandy on September 28, 2015 at 2:54 pm

    April Rose,

    I wish I could express how GOOD it feels to read this…

    “I love how you know this about yourself.”

    Yes, I can relate SO well! Amazing music, painting, drawing, singing, dancing, theater, wine and art history. I like depth, meaning, passion and to live life to the fullest and have a moment turn into a beautiful memory.

    I relate SO well also to the fact that I can’t find them a lot of the time either. I think I sometimes even intimidate some men with my depth and meaning.

    April, I’ll keep you updated on my search and let you know if I figure any patterns out or places to go to meet like-minded people, lol!!!

    I bet you’re very good at the Siren tool “Artist’s Walk”.

    I guess that is why I have a favorite CD and it’s pretty tough not to focus. Valentine is all that and more, a painter, sensitive, passionate, warm, into movies like Moulin Rouge, and he writes to me, and it sounds as beautiful as it sounds when the Sirens write on here.

    Yes it is hard to keep him at an arm’s length, and have patience. I think I might need to find another one so that I have a reminder he’s not the only attractive man with depth and passion and intelligence.



  223.  #223Millie on September 28, 2015 at 9:15 pm

    Thank you Femininewoman, Indigo, and Azure!!! Your supporting words make me want to celebrate!



  224.  #224Indigo on September 28, 2015 at 10:00 pm

    April Rose 220,

    I feel very joyful to read you saying that. It had the same effect on me. We have a massive and heartbreaking problem here in Africa with our precious rhinos being poached for their horns. Their numbers fall greatly every year. And to know this man was part of the solution gave me a surge of deep pleasure and respect for him that I cannot describe. It was like, here is a man whom I can finally respect on a deep level, I can get behind his mission and support it 100%. He seemed authentically heroic in my eyes and that is something I have longed for.

    I still do not know what is going to happen with this man, if anything. He texts me things like “good night beautiful princess” and I must say this strengthens the image of him as a hero in my mind and I’ve enjoyed that immensely. It’s been so lovely discovering that I can feel this way and how much this is what I DESIRE in a man.



  225.  #225Azure Blu on September 28, 2015 at 11:01 pm

    Zia
    I had posted to you earlier but it must have not made it!
    Soooo good to hear everything is still very good with you and the child!!!
    and that all is sunshiny and bright in your world
    Good luck with your exciting move!!!



  226.  #226Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 7:11 am

    Lovely Sirens,
    I had a great date on Sunday with RMcd,,,
    he was easy going about me rescheduling our planned day together the day before

    He was happy to see me and I was feeling closer to him and I was warm and affectionate and cuddly!!

    I brought him a bunch of mums for his front porch
    He brings me roses every other date!!! :-))

    But made sure I didn’t bring anything else!!!!

    I do have a tendency to lean forward with the doing and giving!!! so NO apples, chocolate, or paying for anything allllll day!!!

    I had bought our dinner on last date… I was feeling ok with that sense he has been paying for EVERYTHING
    BUT I read an old post of Rori’s about over giving can cause resentment, expectations etc!!! So STOP NOW AZURE!!!

    Sooo we went out and had a wonderful BIG lunch at an AMAZING Restaurant…
    had a great time at an outdoor city festival…
    walked around talked and laughed…
    he has been pushing for sex!!! Wonders why we havn’t yet… (we’ve dated 2 months this week)
    I ALWAYS have taken my time with having sex…
    I’ve basically been single for 27 years ( a few boyfriend inbetween) If I had sex with every man I’ve dated I’d be worn out!!
    Anyway he started talking sexually explicit and all of a sudden started talking in a sexual explicit way that felt VERY disrespectful. I asked him to stop
    that it was feeling Disrespectful and he continued…
    I got upset and said if he can’t stop i want to go home….
    Then he apologized and we continued…
    I felt myself being still upset so I didn’t cover it up
    I was quiet.. and when he talked I responded
    I said “i’m really interested in how much you have dated because the way you are talking feels like you’ve not dated much.”
    He hasn’t really for the past 5 years and some of the women he dated did want to have sex right away…
    Sooo… He talked about how he is getting agitated about us NOT being exclusive and so took out his frustrations by saying these things
    and he did keep apologizing. How much he cares for me…
    I said I understood his frustrations
    I said “I have always waited awhile to have sex with someone I care about because it is soooo much better when feelings are involved.”
    I do ultimately want to be exclusive
    just not right now and
    he should be dating others also…

    I noticed today he is online (POF)
    I feel less pressure… of course
    It was nice that he was only dating me
    BUT that lead to all this pressure he was adding to us getting to know each other…

    He took me back to his house and
    I did NOT go in because I was feeling a little uncertain and didn’t want to keep fighting him off
    although I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have
    I ended the date early and he was very surprised
    He hasn’t called me – which i think he should do-
    not me call him
    What do you think Sirens?



  227.  #227Femininewoman on September 29, 2015 at 9:01 am

    Azure I believe the sexual tension is good. I just get the sense though that he might have felt pushed away and am wondering if you suggested to him that he should be dating others? He knows what he wants is what I think and that might not be dating several women.



  228.  #228Mandy on September 29, 2015 at 9:10 am

    So i received an email that Rori sends out every once in awhile and it reminded me about the one good assumption to have…that he likes you. Just trust he likes/loves you and it changes your vibe. All my worries melted away when I tried this and i’ve been doing great since.

    Thanks a million Rori, this is a very powerful tool, and I want you to know that it worked with one of the most anxious, masculine energy woman this side of the galaxy, lol!

    I feel so so so good! I realized Valentine is dealing with the most stress he’s probably ever dealt with right now. SO I’m like, hey I’m gonna go play while he’s busy!

    I have a photo shoot today and I’m feeling very Marilyn Monroe, lol!

    Good vibes!



  229.  #229Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 9:24 am

    FW #227
    I do think you are right about him feeling pushed away…
    I did say “I do understand if my feelings around s*x doesn’t work for you… but I would be very sad if you walked away.”

    Yeah, he did say he didn’t have time to date more than one person…
    Still… it’s ok… he does need to date more women!!!
    We’ll see… Still didn’t like being talked to that way!!
    Ughhh…
    I’m NOT a prude I totally enjoy bedroom/s*x playful banter… but this was nasty rude!!!
    And he admitted he was getting angry about not getting what he wanted!!
    No ones perfect…
    I have found… it’s good to let them take a break..
    go out with others (there’s no one like me ;->)
    me too…
    I’m really busy at work and i’m dating a few guys…
    soo it’s getting hecktick! BUT VERY FUN!!!



  230.  #230Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 10:09 am

    Mandy #228
    Lovely…Siren…
    you are sounding soooo extra special sunshiny, powerful!!!
    Think of how FARRRR YOU have come…
    You have been loving your, soft, strong, innocent heart!
    Taking good care of you
    and you have let go of J!!!
    BIG PAT on your BACK
    Goddess woman!



  231.  #231Blueyedgirl on September 29, 2015 at 10:14 am

    I have a question I hope the community can assist with.

    I have changed my name as I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

    I have been betrayed in my new marriage. I decided that it was worth it to try to work through the betrayal but almost a year later, I find myself still struggling, still hurting and still looking for evidence of further betrayal, not physically but I question everything; in my mind. The NV’s are awful and loud and cookies just don’t shut them down.

    I am considering therapy to assist as well but have a solid fear about that. I tried that route a year ago and after one visit was told I was bi-polar and they wanted to prescribe meds. :-/ I may need assistance but for pete’s sake, that felt awful and unsupportive.

    How do I take care of me and still work on the marriage. How does trust get rebuilt? It is important to me to do so. I know there are many successful marriages after betrayal so I am not prepared to pull the pin until I am certain. I am not close to certain at this point but need to turn inward and work on me. I also know that there are many who believe, once a cheater, always a cheater and wouldn’t stand in the shoes I stand in.

    I am open to suggestions on this.



  232.  #232Femininewoman on September 29, 2015 at 10:40 am

    He was rude????

    Now isn’t that counterproductive.



  233.  #233April Rose on September 29, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Azure Blu,

    A couple of things I picked up on from your posting, and which I struggle with too.

    Do we need to be with the discomfort of being a man’s laser focus, while we circular date?

    Dating is different for a man and a woman. A man is pursuing a woman, trying to get her to choose HIM. He doesn’t date others, because this is the woman he wants to win.
    A woman has a duty to date many, so that she can choose which man will create the best relationship with her.

    I struggled with this, when I felt a lot of attention coming towards me from a recent man. I tried to be light, to engage him into going out with other women. For a man who is serious about pursuing us, that doesn’t compute. Why would he go out with other women when he has found the one he likes? He almost laughed in my face. I dropped the subject. I felt there was something ‘off’ about me suggesting that he cast his net wider.

    I’m asking you if you are trying to bat off a discomfort, by trying to direct his attention elsewhere?

    What would it be like to sink into the discomfort, into the tension and intensity and whatever, and find out what feelings are on the other side?



  234.  #234April Rose on September 29, 2015 at 11:19 am

    Sex.

    It’s different for a man and for a woman.

    For a woman – at least for me, and I can only speak for myself – I like to feel connected to a man and then from this feeling of connection I want to have sex with him.

    For men, I believe (from what they have told me), sex is what creates the greatest sense of connection with a woman. So, when he is pushing for sex, he is asking for connection. His penis links him to his heart, according to some experts.



  235.  #235April Rose on September 29, 2015 at 11:22 am

    Rori has sooo much about sex in her programs.

    Have you listened to any, Azure?

    About how to go as far as you want with a man, making out, allowing him to give you pleasure without going any further than you want to?

    She has many scripts around this.



  236.  #236Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    April Rose…
    These are all such wonderful thoughts!!!

    I was feeling warm and open hearted and receptive to him all week and on Sunday when we were together,,,
    and then towards the end of the day he started being SO CRUDE (I’ve never had a man says those disgusting things to me… it wasn’t sensual or s*xy)
    It actually scared me…
    I was getting ready to say “yes, let’s be exclusive”

    I do mention to many guys… maybe you need to date others… It relieves the stress I feel from being pressured for sex…
    Like I said… If i had s*x with even half the men I’ve dated I would be worn out!!! it’s NOT the quantity of s*x (I love s*x) for me (and this is just me) it would be the quantity of partners that would wear me out.

    I TOTALLY AGREE: “I like to feel connected to a man and then from this feeling of connection I want to have sex with him.”
    BUT thank you for reminding me
    Men feel connection to a woman through s*x…
    I sooo know this!!!

    So I want to try and be a bit more gentle when saying
    (with a scarlet O’hara southern drawl) “Why… fiddle-dee-dee Rhett… I can’t wait to make wild, passionate love with you… but won’t it feel even better if we wait just a teeny bit longer???”
    :-))



  237.  #237Indigo on September 29, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    April Rose & Azure Blu,

    I too have found that the answer is not to encourage a man to date other women. Men in any case will rarely take direction from a woman in matters like this, they won’t be told what to do. I think you just have to be true to yourself, to just continue standing up for what feels right for you. He will take care of himself and his feelings.

    April Rose, I believe there is a very strong link for men between sex and love. Especially monogamous men. I have heard men say things like that when they feel connected to a woman, sex makes the connection more intense, also that they can’t enjoy sex if they don’t feel emotionally comfortable with a woman. Men express their feelings more in actions than words, so I think for them sex can take the form of a profound expression of love.



  238.  #238April Rose on September 29, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    Azure Blu,

    “Oh my gosh, I feel shocked and red faced. It feels icky to hear these words. I feel scared and turned off. I feel like running away it feels so uncomfortable.”



  239.  #239April Rose on September 29, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    “I love the feel of your skin. Holding your hand is so sensuous and warm. You are so handsome. I feel turned on by you, I would drop my panties right now. Thing is, I’d feel true to myself to wait a little longer before making love”.

    Oh yes, and Cherry Norris always says to ask a man what’s his plan (for us, once we are having sex). I forget her exact script, but she is doing a live teleclass this Saturday.



  240.  #240Liquid Light on September 29, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    Azure,

    Your post reminds me of a story that happened several years ago when I was dating my ex.

    We were over at his friend’s house having dinner. Then at some point towards the end of the meal, the friend started telling really racy off color jokes. They were quite disgusting and graphic and explicitly sexual. I was the only woman there. My date didn’t say anything. I was extremely uncomfortable but tried to play it cool because I was intimidated and kind of in shock. I never said anything about it but I regret that now. I wish I had said something to my ex at the time to let him know that it was completely unacceptable to me. Because the fact that i didn’t say anything, implicitly made it OK. Uggh. I still kick myself about that and other things that I let slip under the rug. Oh well, live and learn but my take on it is to make it very well known to him that that kind of crude language is absolutely unacceptable to you. Just my 2 cents.



  241.  #241Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    April Rose #237
    Great scripts!! thank you!



  242.  #242Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    April Rose… 238
    Wow… love this script!!! PERFECT!
    Thnkx



  243.  #243Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Indigo #239
    Ohhh… my…
    I know the feeling of being out numbered by men…
    and then haveing them talk with rude and crude language!!!
    UGH!
    When I was younger i would act like I didn’t care how they talked in front of me…
    BUT now that I am honoring my femininity!!
    (thank you rori!)
    I make sure I strongly make it known
    that I do not tolerate rude and disgusting language while I am around
    RM knew that I was NOT happy with that
    and he did apologize.
    We’ll see what happens…
    We need some space right now
    I do anyway
    :-))



  244.  #244Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    oooops Liquid Light #239



  245.  #245Azure Blu on September 29, 2015 at 7:24 pm

    Lovely Sirens
    I felt like a butterfly all day ..
    enjoying smiles and fresh air
    and feeling free and like I have all the time
    in the world..

    I feel more relaxed
    and alot less burdened overall.
    You can’t do the wrong thing with the right man
    so I can just relax and keep loving ME

    The main thing about Rori’s tools…
    I don’t feel I need to be in control,
    I don’t have to “stay on top” of the relationship,
    I don’t have to talk any cd into anything
    or feel I need to convince him of anything.

    I love me… It is sooo freeing and powerful!!
    Ahhhh… I am no longer
    Waiting to Exhale!



  246.  #246Indigo on September 29, 2015 at 10:08 pm

    Sirens,

    I have been working with my fear of rejection, and I must say it is actually quite a lot of fun to notice where I would be viewing something that happened, or something that was said, through the lens of a fear of rejection and stopping it in its tracks and turning away from it. I feel as if my vibe has been raised exponentially in the last few days just from doing this.

    It is so liberating not to be always reacting to other people, and to notice where I have been and stop myself, and rather to live from a place of complete acceptance, and who do I want to be in this moment. Not to worry about being rejected by others (or even by myself) but just to practice believing that all is working out for the good.



  247.  #247Millie on September 29, 2015 at 11:49 pm

    Sirens,

    how do you battle, resolve, conquer the feelings of guilt? I find myself still feeling guilty, still feeling responsible for what happened with M. I feel myself tied to him…I feel he is the man for me…perhaps it’s because he’s the best I’ve ever had. My bar is so high, I wonder if anyone can meet it. And yet I still notice my walls, I hear others tell me how they think I didn’t like them at first, how “unapproachable” I was…and I know my attitude had nothing to do with them, it was my heartbreak consuming me. I still see myself behaving this way, How easily I act unapproachable, how easily I clam up and want to run away. A man I am interested in pays no attention to me…I clam up, I run, I cry, I hurt, I yearn for M.

    I still after all this time can’t believe he is gone. i find myself looking for him, getting triggered into tears when I see people in his profession, construction, everywhere…I remember how turned on I felt by him an his profession, and how hurtful it feels now. I miss him so much, so much that I wonder why he can’t miss me and crave me in the way I do him…..

    I feel so alone and part of that is me isolating myself from more hurt, from being vulnerable to anyone other than him…

    I don’t know how to get out of this.
    Help.



  248.  #248Indigo on September 30, 2015 at 12:08 am

    Millie,

    Have you considered getting coaching? Or is there a trusted friend/family member whose perspective you trust that you can talk to to get some perspective on all of this?

    This helped me IMMEASURABLY when was hung up on D, until I finally let him go, and all the moments in-between. Just to have someone who would listen, who cared about me, who wanted to see me succeed and be happy, whom I could trust. But most importantly, someone who would gently turn my perspective to what it needed to be, and help to give me the strength to move forward and let go. I say this because I know how very powerful these feelings and thoughts can be, and when you’re by yourself you can get completely mired in them and consumed by them. I really encourage you to seek out a coach like Dominique to help you.

    In the meantime, just take it one day at a time. Feel the feeling of sadness, and gently turn your focus back to the present moment and to taking care of yourself now. This will take time to pass, but it WILL pass, I promise you. As for the guilt – once we have learnt the lesson that guilt has to teach us, how we can do better in future, guilt ceases to be a valuable emotion. It is like dragging a dead animal around with you. Cut it loose and walk forward. You were not solely responsible for the demise of this relationship. You can only learn from your part and move on. He had a big part to play and this was out of your control. I encourage you to read up about why men may not be ready for a serious relationship at certain points in their lives and hence pull away, I think it will give you some perspective. Again, you have no control over this.



  249.  #249IamHis on September 30, 2015 at 1:27 am

    I feel amazing!

    Positive. Open. Curious.

    Ignited, like a fire that had been dying, but has now been refueled.

    It feels so so so so good.

    I sometimes come here in such a needy, negative mindset.

    I need hope, I need empathy, I need comfort.

    I don’t feel need right now.

    I feel like giving and sharing and of being in awe and of feeling…feeling good. Feeling tingly, feeling my worth, knowing my worth!

    I never want to forget.

    Oh, why do I forget?!



  250.  #250Azure Blu on September 30, 2015 at 2:54 am

    Indigo #236
    You are so right…
    “continue standing up for what feels right for you. He will take care of himself and *HIS FEELINGS*.”

    I’ve been exploring my reasons for
    Telling a man “Maybe you should date others”

    I think it is me putting up my defense
    if i push him away first
    I won’t get hurt…

    Me feeling scared

    feeling a burden of the man’s
    needs
    his need of my commitment
    his need of sex with me
    Me not being ready to get closer to a man
    Not ready to Take the next step

    I want to practice NOT saying
    “Maybe you should date others” (I do this often)
    I want to practice feeling my discomfort
    But really
    it’s NOT *MY* DISCOMFORT
    it’s the man’s discomfort
    and I am trying to rescue him from *HIS* discomfort
    Wow… I think that is a BIG part of why I do this…

    I need to practice MORE letting *Him* having HIS feelings!!!
    I’m getting better at this but this is another layer
    to see
    and observe
    and stay in *MY* feelings,
    My body
    and let him have HIS feelings!!!
    NO RESCUING
    That would feel amazing

    I am the QUEEN of rescuing people
    from their emotional discomfort
    I have a hyper sensitive radar that picks up
    on any emotional discomfort others may be feeling
    and turning it around to be
    MY discomfort
    MY problem
    Mmmmmm….
    I want to watch myself today
    and see how often I do this…
    THIS will be very interesting!



  251.  #251Azure Blu on September 30, 2015 at 3:01 am

    Indigo #245
    This sounds sooo awesome

    Fear of rejection is powerful for most people!

    Staying within our own bodies and innocent, sweet heart
    moving forward to the amazing place
    Of totally accepting ourselves!!!
    lifetime journey!! :-))

    I love what you wrote here:
    “Not to worry about being rejected by others
    (or even by myself)
    but just to practice believing
    that all is working out for the good.”



  252.  #252Azure Blu on September 30, 2015 at 3:04 am

    (((MIllie)))



  253.  #253Sirana on September 30, 2015 at 6:44 am

    Hello Everyone,

    I often read your messages to lighten my heavy mood. There are a lot of strong ladies on this board.

    I need suggestions on how to handle an awkward situation without getting sad and heavy. My husband and I have been through a lot and he does not feel comfortable hugging me. We are very close in every other aspect and we have a great time usually together. But because of past hurts he doesn’t feel comfortable putting his arms around me (he thinks this is the most intimate thing). He does touch me in other ways (rub feet, lay close to each other, etc.) Last night we were joking around and he almost put his arm around me. When he realized what he was doing, he pulled back. I felt so rejected. I just kept it in all night. I think I need to find a way to be lighter about it. I think if he felt lighter about it maybe he would chill out and become more comfortable. He immediately thinks I will take the hug to mean so much more (which lets be honest, I would). How would you handle that moment without making things more serious as that just seems to bring us further down?



  254.  #254Azure Blu on September 30, 2015 at 7:58 am

    Sirana
    Would the hug mean he has forgiven you?

    How long ago did he stop hugging you?



  255.  #255Azure Blu on September 30, 2015 at 8:04 am

    Found this in the Archives

    regarding rabbit holes

    Chapter 1
    I walk down the street
    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
    
I fall in…
I am lost,
    I am helpless

    It isn’t my fault

    It takes forever to find a way out

    Chapter 2
    I walk down the same street

    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

    I pretend not to see it

    I fall in again

    I can’t believe I am in the same place
    
But isn’t my fault
    
It still takes a long time to get out.

    Chapter 3
    I walk down the same street

    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
    
I see it is there
    
I fall in.. it’s a habit…,
    but my eyes
    
are open
    
I know where I am
    
It is my fault

    I get out immediately

    Chapter 4
    I walk down the same street

    There is a deep hole in the sidewalk

    I walk around it

    Chapter 5

    I walk down a different street
    – Portia Nelson



  256.  #256Sirana on September 30, 2015 at 8:24 am

    Azure Blue – Yes it would mean he has forgiven me. It has been 3 years. He is still very dedicated to me and shows his love in other ways but he just can’t get to that point. He thinks it means we are whole again and he doesn’t want to give me that. We both hurt each other but I have an easier time forgiving.



  257.  #257Femininewoman on September 30, 2015 at 8:49 am

    Sirana I remember your story so clearly I feel hesitant to comment. How about just letting go of it?



  258.  #258Azure Blu on September 30, 2015 at 9:09 am

    Sirana
    Mmmm… 3 years without a hug…
    long time…

    Can you think of foot rubs as his hugs to you?
    When he’s rubbing your feet visualize his arms around you and how warm it is feeling…

    Or when your laughing together visualize this as hugs.. the warmth of the emotional closeness that brings as his arms around you…

    It would seem to me
    The sooner you are able to let go of actually needing a hug from him… those vibes
    The sooner YOU can feel more joy, forgiveness from You!



  259.  #259Indigo on September 30, 2015 at 9:44 am

    Sirana,

    Though my relationship with D didn’t work out, for a number of reasons, and this was absolutely for the best, I’d like to briefly share a story from our relationship:
    At one point, D decided that he no longer wanted us to sleep in the same bed. I did not massively object to this, since I also didn’t sleep well in the same bed as him, and in general I slept better and was content to sleep on my own. However, the fact that he didn’t want us to ate away at me, literally gnawed at me for years, I voiced my feelings about it to him many times, tried to bargain with him etc. and the more I pushed, the more he dug his heels in. Now, I think it was a perfectly legitimate concern of mine, however the whole thing taught me something very valuable about pushing people. I went back and forth on the issue in my mind many times over the years, and the whole thing caused me a lot of inner anguish and turmoil. Finally, and I cannot even say why, I completely let it go. And this was about 3 years after we first started sleeping in separate beds. One night, completely unexpectedly, and it took me completely by surprise, he invited me into his bed to watch a movie and have a cuddle, and we fell asleep there together. Without another word on the subject, the conflict was ended. From then on, he let me come in and sleep next to him whenever I wanted. The whole issue ceased to have an energy around it.

    What I’m saying is, these issues can heal in their own time.



  260.  #260Sirana on September 30, 2015 at 10:34 am

    Indigo- thank you for sharing that and I think it is very similar to my feelings about the situation. I am pulling on him and I know if I let go he would be at least closer to letting go. I want to move past it and be thank ful for all the other great parts of our relationship. However, I am reminded that he doesn’t want to feel me in this way at times when I am not expecting it. We are having fun and then I feel rejected. I have stopped trying to hug him but last night I wasn’t expecting him to act so determined not to hold me too much. He accidentally put his arms around me then coiled back. I don’t know how to stop feeling rejected.



  261.  #261Azure Blu on September 30, 2015 at 10:43 am

    Sirana#259
    I think your idea of putting a humorous spin on this issue when it happens is a PERFECT idea!!!
    Maybe start practicing how you could make it playful and light…
    When he grabs you
    quickly say “I love it when you hold me…” with a laugh in your voice
    pinch him in the side
    and then quickly pull away…
    So it’s you doing the pulling away
    Just a thought?



  262.  #262BeLoved on September 30, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Sirens I want to check in and share that I am having a MAGNIFICENT time in school, doing my first theatrical lighting design!
    The director is female, and the lighting and sound designers are female, my board op is female, which as far as I can tell is extremely rare in this field. AND…the first day of us all working together, I will just say, she did not play well with the other alpha females.
    The net result so far, is all of my practice in sinking into my feelings, feeling them all, and NOT losing my sh!t while my nervous system is pumping my whole body full of adrenalin (THE WOMAN PUT HER HANDS ON ME ZOMG AND WHEN I ASKED HER TO PLEASE STOP TOUCHING ME SHE GOT SO UPSET SHE HAD TO LEAVE THE THEATER!!).
    Somehow I managed to maintain, while my whole body was shaking and processing all of the chemicals, and one of my professors stepped in and sat between us.
    Today another professor told me how well he thought I handled everything, and that the other professor is specifically there to be my bubble (my protector!) because the director was acting out of line and they have MY back.
    Which feels amazing. Amazing, amazing.
    I cannot stress how amazing it feels, that these men have my back and I have been able to rely and depend on them for school stuff and it has allowed me to really grow and blossom in ways I never imagined.
    As for the director – haha, yesterday I told her I had an idea for a particular scene and she LITERALLY groaned this feral kind of grunt as if she just couldn’t even CONTAIN her disgust for me reminding her I exist and have my own ideas for the play.
    Which made me LOL. It was so funny and I felt so detached from her and knew it was so not about me and all about her feeling insecure and uncertain and not really understanding how we all collaborate and get along so well and still have strong personalities.
    So, maybe me laughing made her feel better (I know I have felt quite relieved sometimes when my sh!t surfaces and nobody makes it wrong or hooks into it), and she gave it a chance and OF COURSE SHE LOVED IT BECAUSE IT IS AN AMAZING LOOK SO AMAZING THAT IT GAVE US ALL CHILLS.

    Ok, ok, I need to get back to school stuff…much love and big hugs to you all!!



  263.  #263Sirana on September 30, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    Indigo- I am just curious did he ever come to your room to sleep after that?

    Azure- I am going to try to rehearse it a little so I can prepare myself and not be so serious. Thanks!



  264.  #264Rori Raye on September 30, 2015 at 5:55 pm

    OMG – Beloved – you’ve found your thing!!! Love, Rori Go Passion and communication skills!



  265.  #265BeLoved on September 30, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    Rori – squeee!!! Yes! And thank you for commenting!!!
    It feels so amazing too, to KNOW I’ve earned my professors’ respect through BEING MYSELF and knowing I am lovable even when I’m having a meltdown through practicing my feeling messages even when I feel like my knees are going to buckle or …haha, worse, like I might be annihilated at any moment. My habit in the past has been to dissociate, to “give up” and “quit”, and at NO time, even though it felt incredibly difficult, did I even CONSIDER giving up or quitting or think for a moment that “this is too hard”.

    This is the second time I’ve had an experience of feeling distressed and feeling a protective response by the men around me. First it was with the former roomie, and TG acting protectively of my other roomie and me, and then this. I felt as if the wagons were circling and at the same time, my professors maintained very friendly and upbeat relations with the director which also helped me feel more secure somehow. Like they were bridges in a way.

    I wish I had been able to use feeling messages at the time. In hindsight of course I can see how I could have communicated differently…and…I don’t want to dwell on it, I want to bask in just how good it feels to feel so loved, cared for and protected.



  266.  #266blueyedgirl on September 30, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    I was so hesitant to write here and I see that because of the issues with the blog and needing to be sent through moderation, I may have been missed with the current conversation, No matter.

    I was here for a long time and this community of strong, yes very strong, women, helped me when there was no one else who could. I grew my wings, met the man of my dreams, was dumped and immediately met someone else. I was open, I was fun, I was all of the things that I never was. And, then I married. Despite the things that I felt, all because of love. Our marriage is young and I am older. Is 52 old? I don’t feel old; I feel like I am 30. lol

    I need to get back to the way I was; not for getting him back on board with me; he used to be so into me. I lost that along the way somehow. I’m not sure why. But there was an emotional relationship via text with one woman and in real life with another and oh, lets not forget to mention the ex-wife and their communications. I was chosen “because who else would have him”. I feel so sad. I am worth so much more. Yet, I love him more than I have ever loved.

    Rori, Dominique… I could really use your help on this.

    The story is not short; it is lengthy and complicated but after I found out about all of this, I chose love. Unfortunately, I haven’t portrayed love; least of all to myself..

    As I commented earlier; I get it. It is a tough subject to be betrayed; especially, for me, on an emotional level. IMO, sex is just that; but sharing your heart with someone else is the worst kind of pain I have ever felt. I imagine it triggers some of the worst feelings in some of you. It certainly does with me; hence the cry for help.

    Thank you,



  267.  #267Dominique on September 30, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    blueyedgirl – How about getting back on board with you. Maybe it’s not him you’re losing; maybe it’s you losing sight of you. So what can you do right now for you? What can you do to fill yourself up, even just a little bit. And what can you do to show love to yourself? Can you maybe love on yourself hard? Can you go to the nearest mirror, and smile really big at yourself, and tell yourself – I love you -? Can you sink deeply into the feeling of treating yourself with exquisite care even if you have trouble fully meaning it? Can you try carrying this feeling into the next moment and the next, even if it’s only a glimmer? I think maybe it’s time to become reacquainted with blueyedgirl again and her soft beautifull heart. The rest will sort itself out as it will.

    Sending you much love .
    xxoo



  268.  #268Indigo on September 30, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Sirana,

    I had a single bed in my room when I stayed there (we mostly didn’t live together except for 3 months when we did, but I stayed over a lot), whereas his was a queen size, so it was really just a matter of practicality. However he several times came through to me for a cuddle until I fell asleep.



  269.  #269Indigo on October 1, 2015 at 3:28 am

    Sirana,

    Another thought came to me – don’t try to pretend you’re ok with it if you’re really not. What we resist persists. Feel your feelings; you don’t need to necessarily discuss them with him but acknowledge them to yourself. Don’t suppress them. Feel into them and you might be surprised by how they shift & change. The one thing I know for certain is that when they feel pressure around a certain thing they are likely to back away. Take care of you the best that you are able. In time this should lighten the mood.



  270.  #270Femininewoman on October 1, 2015 at 5:50 am

    I love this

    “My favourite words are possibilities, opportunities and curiosity. I think if you are curious, you create opportunities, and then if you open the doors, you create possibilities.”

    ― Mario Testino



  271.  #271Azure Blu on October 1, 2015 at 11:00 am

    Dominique #267
    Ahhhh… always such wonderful basic reminders
    of who I need to focus on… ME

    The truth is:
    When I’m pointing a finger at you
    there are three fingers pointing back at me!!
    :-))



  272.  #272Azure Blu on October 1, 2015 at 11:06 am

    Beloved!!!
    I was reading some of Rori’s Archived posts and
    ran across some of yours
    and was wondering “How in the world are YOU doing?”

    YOU sound amazing!!!

    I feel bright, energetic sunshine vibbing from your
    post!!!
    Wow!! so inspirational alll that you are learning
    and growing and being VERY successful at it all
    BRAVA!!
    and thank you for sharing your exciting journey
    with us on Siren Island!!!
    oxoxo



  273.  #273IamHis on October 1, 2015 at 11:27 am

    I have such a hard time with bossy women…and that word “bossy” I know it’s triggering…

    but I wouldn’t mind the exhortations I get…it’s how they are given…it’s the tone of voice…

    it makes me feel so small…



  274.  #274IamHis on October 1, 2015 at 11:27 am

    Listening to Toxic Men, and I love this:

    “You have to believe that there’s someone out there who can handle you being healthy.”



  275.  #275Turquoise on October 1, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    Hi Ladies, I’m back…. can’t wait to catch up!! Life is good. xo



  276.  #276Femininewoman on October 1, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    Hoo boy Turquoise!!!!

    Great to see your name.



  277.  #277Femininewoman on October 1, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    RE 273 Me too Iamhis. I think of it as me experiencing masculinity in women. It just rubs me the wrong way



  278.  #278Turquoise on October 1, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Yay!! I feel so happy to see so many old friends here! I can’t wait to see what’s going on with everyone. 🙂

    A little update on me and my love life….

    It’s been a year and 7 months since Sweetheart died. Even though we weren’t together… and he’d actually told me he was gay a few months before that, he was my person. My best friend and I missed him terribly. I really only dated one guy for the next year, and it was beyond casual. He’s young, did his own thing, we’d see each other a few times, then not for a month, then again… then longer times apart… finally last spring I just let it go. We are still friendly when we run into each other, but I knew it just wasn’t what I really needed. About a month ago, I sort of woke up… and realized I’d forgotten about dating. I just got so busy with work and my girls, friends, family…. I didn’t leave any room, or expectation for dating. I started to wonder if I’d never fall in love, would I not have a love of my life? Would sex become such a rare part of my life? Was romance over for me at 41?

    So I took a good look at myself and didn’t love what I saw. I was neglecting my looks, not even really seeing me anymore. My 15 year old and I went shopping and I picked out some more fun/sexy clothes. Expensive jeans that fit perfect. I got my hair cut, bought some new makeup…. and started flirting again. Smiling at people on the street…. chatting more and smiling with aquaintances… even in emails or on the phone at work, not exactly flirting… but being warm, wishing people a nice day or weekend, sharing a happy friday message. I went back online and went on a date with a guy I actually liked. We had been texting off and on for months and hadn’t met… and I just kinda put it out there that we should. We had an awesome 4 hour dinner date and conversation. I was surprised it went well. We texted for a few more weeks, but with no new plans to meet again… it just sort of fell away. he had something going on with his daughter and her mom. I didn’t take it personally, I didn’t get upset…. I just appreciated that I had fun on that date and wasn’t intersted in chasing anyone. For the first time in a really long time, I am circular dating. I went on two dates a few weekends ago.. the same weekend. 🙂 There are 3 main guys in my life right now, who actually I’ve only met one in person so far, but two are very new. Less than two weeks. I have a date this Sunday with this guy who seems amazing. We have had hours and hours of conversation, and I’m really looking forward to meeting him. Of the 3, I feel the most clicking with him. I know it’s always so exciting in the beginning, and I’m not getting ahead of myself beyond some visualization of what it would be like to have someone in my life, that loves me. To dream and build with. I’m so excited to see what happens next. I can’t name him until I meet him, but it’s really nice so far. The other two are sweet and attentive… not ruling that out either.

    My ex has been remarried for about a year and a half, and while they have so much in common and big and exciting things going on… he still sounds miserable and looks miserable most of the time. For as much as I wanted our family to be together and how intense our physical connection was, I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be with someone who always seems unhappy and dissatisfied. I thought it was better to be alone than have that…. but I was closing the door too tightly on the alternative, that there are men out there who want to be loved, and to love… to be happy and enjoy life. That’s where I’m headed.

    I feel so alive. The energy is literally sparking out of me…. and I haven’t stopped smiling much all week.



  279.  #279Mandy on October 1, 2015 at 3:12 pm

    Azure,

    OH it has been tough!

    I have been raised in a Norwegian family and everything is all about if you want something you work hard for it.

    Now I know that sounds terribly masculine, and that’s me, BUT….if you think of working hard by trying SOFTER…

    I was JUST about to post again about how powerful the tool of the one good assumption…the assumption he’s into you no matter what…has really helped me set myself free.

    I have a new CD today! Coffee…hopefully she’s not as groggy as I am today LOL…I call her CoffeeNoir. No plans, no agenda, no idea what comes of that, but it’s a nice distraction. We’re going to get some coffee and that’s good because I need some, lol!

    YAY FOR GOOD VIBES!



  280.  #280Daria on October 1, 2015 at 5:17 pm

    Hi Everyone just peeking… I see you Turquoise and Feminine Woman…

    I have big time health issues but I’m thinking of you all 🙂



  281.  #281Millie on October 1, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    Indigo 248–

    Actually I talk to my mom, cousin, and friends a lot about what happened and when I feel really down. They all say- it wasn’t my fault and they all say I deserve better and that it will come, that this person was present in my life to open a door to a new path towards new relationships, not be the final destination. I get it, I agree… but their words don’t really change how I feel. I’m scared of getting involved in something new, where I feel vacant, because I’m wishing for someone else. I’ve talked to Dominique as well, but I still find myself a bit trapped here.

    Anyways–Went on a job interview this morning and have another one in a couple weeks that I REALLY feel excited for YAY!!!!

    Turquoise– I loved reading your update. Yay to you!!!!