Follow Up To Me Too And Aziz Ansari

Untitled design (14)

Here are two amazing comments from the article about Aziz Ansari’s public humiliation by a woman who had an unpleasant interaction with him (read the original article here->):

From Indigo:

My honest hopes for all of this is that I would love to see women become more powerful.

Not powerful in an aggressive, violent, or brash way, but powerful with their minds. Powerful with their intuition and emotions, which are the gifts we have in overflowing abundance – far more than most men.

And I believe that is for a reason. We *do* have the power to suss out a dangerous situation, or at the very least prevent ourselves from getting into one. Wanting men to change and be more sensitive and smarter is all very well… and if they don’t? Where does that leave us? Should we always rely on the other person to “get it” in order for us to be safe?

My answer is no. I live in a third world country where, quite frankly, you have no hope of the majority of men here suddenly evolving overnight to become feeling, sensitive, new age guys.

Here, you HAVE to look after yourself, and we do. Yes, you should be able to walk down the street in a bathing suit and not be harassed, but that is not the world we live in.

I am harassed on almost a daily basis just walking between the supermarket and my car. I have adapted, because it is no good trying to change the behaviour of the other guy.

Not yet, anyway. This may sound sad, but I think women in first world countries can learn from this actually. You are powerful, you are much more powerful than you think.

No, it is not your fault if a guy steps over the line. Far from it.

But if a woman doesn’t want that kind of thing to happen to her, doesn’t it behoove her to change her own behaviour rather than waiting around for men to get it?

I’d rather have the power firmly in my own hands than wait for society to change. I’d rather rely on my own values, intuition and decisions for what I want in life.

I think it would be so much more empowering if we could teach women to pursue what is good for them in every situation and to build safety with a man first, before putting yourself in a vulnerable position, and let men learn that way.

Guess what, guys? If you are going to overstep the line and behave stupidly, then you are not going to get to hang out with quality women. She’s going to go away.

That will get the message home quicker than anything else. Demanding that men change will not, in my opinion. It will simply teach women that they do not have the strength that I know for a fact they do.

That’s my opinion, Rori. A little different from yours

From IamHis:

This makes me feel angry.

When it happened to me, I felt guilty and powerless.

To him, I’m sure it wasn’t a big deal (that is, until I reported him.) I thought I deserved it because my involuntary sexual response to him gave him “permission.”

He never told me his intentions, never communicated honestly about it. He lied about doing it & refused to talk about it.

Then, he used my pathetic infatuation with him as my motive for “getting back at him.” I didn’t love myself enough at the time to walk away for just my own protection. I only took real action out of concern for other women.

I know it wasn’t a big deal to him, but it was such a huge deal to me. It was violating, humiliating, & infuriating.

When you have real feelings for someone, it becomes crippling and confusing.

Marriage is the only safe place for sexual activity. I will stand by this forever.

From Rori:

Indigo and IamHis, thank you so much for your comments!

IamHis, I’m right with you, I felt as silly, stupid and powerless as you describe (though I was much braver and more powerful and clever when I was actually attacked by a rapist in my own home).

Makes sense, as you say!

I was terrified of the rapist, I would have been responsive to a man I wanted to go out on a date with.

I was clear on my intentions and abilities with the rapist, and completely unclear with every single man I met, kissed, had sex with.

And Indigo – right with you there – my entire work, and yours, and that of every woman now, is to help ALL women feel empowered, able to say “no,” able to see and feel clearly what they want in every moment and every situation.

This training is crucial, and I feel honored to be a part of it.

And, at the same time, not all of us, in fact, most of us, are not always “in that zone.” Much of the time, as IamHis says, we feel confusion rather than clarity.

I always believe in approaching everything from as many “angles as possible” – and in this case, while training women to feel more of themselves, the very act of publicly shaming a man seems quite in keeping with the other angle.

In one way, we accomplish this change one woman speaking clearly to one man at a time, and also, in the way I describe, we love ourselves no matter WHAT, and award “bravery” to a woman who comes forward with both her lack of clarity and a man’s lack of sensitivity.

Training for all.

Love, Rori

2 Comments

  1.  #1Nermine on March 12, 2018 at 5:16 am

    What a great discussion! the way i see it is as Rori Said..what are the different angles we are looking at and from?…the thing for me here is “BLAME”..the girl in the Ansari story is feeling so overwhelmed, and ashamed that a lot of her inner feelings are projected at him..in her attempt to get clarity, from the outside, she is faced with a public who in return is active on “blaming”. Similarly to Indigo, in my part of the world, the girl would be automatically “doomed”– by going to his place, being touched by him, not leaving when she could have, she cant even complain. In my part of the wold, wearing a “decoltee” could get you in trouble…now are women in the first world better off because they can speak up? they can wear more freely? express themselves openly? Definitely they are better off in terms of rights! Are they better off when it comes to romance and having the relationship they want? I am not sure about that and this story reveals that despite women in the first world “emancipation” over their bodies, they are still struggling in getting what they want….In the Ansari story that the girl was looking for some Romance (in her own way..by accepting to be touched, being invited, pampered) and Ansari was looking for romance/ sex onhis own way(by inviting, pacing down, reengaging, touching). I did not feel the guy was out of cue, he took “her cues” and acted on them and on his physical needs..there is no one to blame..even though there is a LOT OF Disappointment in this story…Yesterday i had a friend who is 7 years younger, she is 27, she was so complaining about this guy who made out with her in his office and wants to continue to see her and she is so furious he wants something physical….my inner response was “you accepted the invitation to go to his office, you made out with him, why wouldn’t he ask for more??”…Like grace in the story, she is also looking for romance, and blaming the guy for not not getting what she wants…I am learning a lot about these nuances myself..I am not sure if am in this situation how ill react. Also, our job is not to “train” men to become something we want..my job as a women who wants a romantic relationship is to be authentically myself to the best as can so that the man in front of me can “get it” and eventually “be” the man/ the human being he wants to be in my presence…Afterall, these men were brought up by their mothers, who also instilled in them values and practices and ideas and emotions.. if I blame him, then ill also be blaming his mother, his sister, his x and its never ending.



  2.  #2Femininewoman on June 7, 2018 at 6:56 am

    If only we could do the training and learning as women without getting hurt. I heard a man say yesterday “look at that woman. I don’t have respect for her” because she is a porn star. Society has come a long but that statement felt rather jolting. If in the era of Metoo any man feels comfortable to say that we still have a very long way to go.