For Thanksgiving 2012 – The Three Blessings

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Here’s my favorite Thanksgiving Post, with a Tool – and a photo from my roadtrip through France with my husband last month!:

It’s so easy to say “Be Thankful” when you’re feeling good and thankful…but I know that if you’re feeling blue…you don’t really feel like thanking anyone for anything.

When you’re not really feeling “blessed,” it’s challenging to say your blessings.

And yet – that’s the way out of the rubble.

That’s the way from the blues to the greens to the yellows, the oranges, the reds….the whole rainbow.

Here’s a simple Exercise my coach, Ryan Eliason, gave me long ago – it’s called The Three Blessings:

Before bed, simply find three things you might consider as blessings in your life, and say them.

For me, I could see my dog and say I feel blessed to have my dog near me.

I could feel blessed that I had a good dinner and a glass of water.

I could feel blessed to have a window next to the bed, so I can see green plants and flowers.

The next night, it might be three different things.

Makes no difference how big or small.

The point is just to bring your attention to something that you can think of like a blessing and that feels like a blessing (no matter what else the thought of anything at all being a blessing triggers in you).

If you try to think of the Three Blessings exercise as a way to “think positively” – you’ll trigger yourself more intensely – so try “formatting” it for yourself this way…

It’s just a way to sort of “clear the lens” you’re looking at the world through.

A way to “readjust” the projector of your perspective.

A way to “reset” your “internal viewpoint.”

A way to work with your mind, instead of focusing on your circumstances.

If you look at the exercise in this gentle way, and do it gently – you might find it kind of fun and good feeling.

For me – my first blessing is you.

The fact that you’re here, that you’re a part of this community, that you care, that you’re sharing love and honoring other women and working hard to change your “view” and try new thoughts on for size, that you’re willing to dive deep into the inner sea of your feelings and let them carry you through the world – that’s magic.

For me, Thanksgiving as a tradition means nothing.

What counts for me is that with a “holiday,” we have a moment where so many of us can say “Thanks” to something – all at the same time.

So my thanks in this moment is for the possibility that exists for each of us – no matter what things look like from behind our “lens.”

Let me know what your Three Blessings are tonight, and though I don’t believe I have any power to bless, if I did, it would feel incredible to be able to shower you all with blessings…so, because it feels so good to even consider it – I’ll just do it.

Blessings to you!

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1FlowerChild77 on November 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm

    Oh! I’ve never been the first! 🙂

  2.  #2Vi on November 26, 2012 at 4:51 pm


  3.  #3sunlight on November 26, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    1. That my life full of love even though my relationship with a man is in transition. 2. That I love my job which allows me to be a feeling petson AND profrssional at the same time. 3. This gla

  4.  #4sunlight on November 26, 2012 at 4:53 pm

    3. This glass of good red wine.

  5.  #5FlowerChild77 on November 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    I am blessed to have a wonderful old (as in historic) house to live in—safe, dry and warm.

    I am blessed to be able to see the beauty of the lake from my front windows–the color of the water changes throughout the day and looks so gorgeous against the sky and clouds.

    I am blessed to be part of this group of women—all of us wanting to grow and learn to be our authentic selves.

    Hmmm…it’s almost hard to stop at three! 😉

  6.  #6sunlight on November 26, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    Sorry everyone…I am typing on a new phone and haven’t gotten used to it. Many typos and unintended marks..LOL

  7.  #7Luzydel on November 26, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    So another experience with another CD…

    we didn’t meet saturday and today he told me I was too accomplished for him; that he never met a woman like me, that I was “superior” than him and he cannot tolerate that in a woman; I was like WTH?

    I felt angry and frustrated, I always though men were superior than me, for some reason I always have put myself down for a man and here is tis man who sees me an unreachable …

    Oh well, there goes another one lol

  8.  #8Sassy on November 26, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    It doesn’t matter whether I feel really good or really down or bad, I give thanks and count my blessings every day/night.

    Law of Attraction, gratitude brings more blessings to be grateful for!

  9.  #9Sassy on November 26, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    From previous post, but now all my comments are ending in moderation….


    3 outta 3 have fallen off of my radar. I have been completely leaned back, and silent.

    Until today, one texted after 3 weeks of silence. I answered in one word responses, had already deleted him from my phone contact list. I don’t know what he wanted, but it didn’t feel good, so back on my horse’s tail he goes. Over it

  10.  #10Goddess Lily on November 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    I’m blessed that things went so well at work today when I thought the odds were against me.

    I’m blessed to have gotten focused enough to study for two hours tonight.

    I’m blessed that my dog likes to take naps as often as I do. 🙂

  11.  #11Femininewoman on November 26, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    I feel blessed that I am brave enough to put myself out there to take risks.

    I feel blessed that I have good health.

    I feel blessed that I am getting better and better everyday.

  12.  #12Heart on November 26, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    My first blessing is Rori and her many tools….for helping me to know and love myself deeply…

    my second blessing is the blog for sharing their stories and heping me to feel connected

    my third blessing is This park near my place…that helps me to feel calm and centered…

  13.  #13Tam on November 26, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Ok peeps from the last thread.
    So I assumed he meant today but he was actually making a date in advance..for tomorrow.
    And I told him I was out tomorrow, and he was a little angry at that (ha!) and then he suggested Wednesday night.
    So I just said that I don’t want to do late as I need to get up early (and I thought ‘ah, feck him if that is a problem for him’) …and lo and behold…I am seeing pigs fly – he agreed with me.
    This is not the man I know.
    But I am quite aware that he might change his mind again impulsively and not turn up at all, there is always that fear. In the meantime I have time to get a speech and I have time to go out and watch the Xmas lights tomorrow…he he..with another man.
    I feel like a Siren for a change.

  14.  #14Luzydel on November 26, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    And again “D” shows up…I don’t know what’s up with him, and we may never be together, but he is a sweet heart and cheers me up. Maybe I should just be his friend, I know him for almost 2 years and he is there to listen to my bad dates, and make fun of me lol. He never promised me a relationship.

    I guess we are friends… I should just be friends with males, Today I was thinking about that, maybe There is not just one for me, but many in form of friends, coffee dates, or lovers. I only need the commitment I can give to myself…

  15.  #15Tam on November 26, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    Is this guy changing or am I deluding myself?

    All that matters is that he follows through. And if he does, I better know what I am going to say to him.

    Or should I just go with the flow? Rather than drop the bombshell of ‘need a committed relationship bla bla’ perhaps I don’t want that yet myself and want to see what happens also. And there will be nothing physical because I will have my period..HAHAHAAA..soo happy about that timing.
    Thank you, Universe.

  16.  #16Goddess Lily on November 26, 2012 at 5:52 pm


    I think you’re experiencing the “be surprised” part. You’ve always been a siren!

  17.  #17Tam on November 26, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    I am feeling happy though…I must admit.
    I knew he would be back, but I was totally prepared for that to be next month, next year and I was not going to hold my breath and instead move forward with my life.
    That is still my mission.

  18.  #18Tam on November 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    Thank you Goddess Lili, but I fell off my horse constantly..hehe.

  19.  #19Annie on November 26, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    From last thread.
    “he has some serious issues stemming from both of his parents dying within a year of each other and his wife leaving him for another man and tricking him out of a lot of his inheritance in the process. She also took 2 of his 3 kids when she left. ”

    I feel triggered by the words “his wife tricking him out of his inheritance.” Surely if they were married for 23yrs the court would have decided what she was legally entitled to. So how did om earth does someone trick a court, this feels bad to me.

    ” she also took two of his three kids”
    the words ” his kids” really trigger me. Aren’t they their kids? And normally custody does go to the Mother.

    I feel sad when I hear women bad mouthing other women the relationship ended with.
    IME whatever issues the man has not come to terms with his part, learned and grown from in and is blaming the woman for he will attract again and be saying about the next women later down the line.
    The universe will send it them back until they get the message and learn.
    It would feel best to me to listen very carefully to the ex woman moans and watch the mans actions very carefully to see if he had grown from it. And listen very carefully to what he moaned about in relationships with others. That would show me where he was at. Has he learned what his subconscious dysfunctional love print was and is if he is now aware is he now consciously choosing a healthy soul based love instead? Or will we both subconsciously repeat our faulty dysfunctional old love patterns.

    I want to be aware
    I want to lean back
    I want to listen carefully.
    I want to watch carefully.
    I don’t want to repeat my unhealthy dysfunctional painful ‘love’ patterns again,
    I want to learn, be aware of the difference between pain and love.
    Pain is pain and love is love,
    Love is not pain.
    I want a compatible conscious healthy loving soul based relationship with the right man for me who is also making that conscious choice.

    Ty for the trigger.

  20.  #20Femininewoman on November 26, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    I feel blessed that I have learned to smile again.

    I feel blessed that I can feel my heart beating for me.

  21.  #21Annie on November 26, 2012 at 6:05 pm

    Heart 1684 from previous thread.

    I feel the similar.

    It feels difficult not to judge other women who go after a man who already has a girlfriend etc.
    I don’t want to judge other women though, so feels best to me to lean back see if any man like that comes to me and if he is interested and I feel attracted to say I only want to date men who don’t have a girlfriend/wife/are still legally married or are intimately involved with another women.
    And then leave the ball in their court and see what happens.
    I don’t want to set myself up for any drama and foreseeable complications that are staring me in the face with men in those situations.

  22.  #22FlowerChild77 on November 26, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    FW….Yes…I feel as though I am learning to smile again also. Little by little, day by day, moment by moment….

  23.  #23Heart on November 26, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    Wow – a proffessional aquaintance in getting married in a few weeks…I feel a little jealous…
    She has openingly admitted to over-functioning and giving to much.
    Another friend has a bf…she overtly leans forward and acts like he is the prize…He seems committed though…
    They don’t have the relationship that I would want…and I wouldn’t feel cherished in that kind of dynamic…

    But they have butterflies…and somebody to spend holidays with…
    Feeling like….hmmmmmm.

  24.  #24Tam on November 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Annie and Heart, maybe I misunderstand but in this case feels like the siren is not ‘going after the man’, he is going after her. She is leaning back?
    In fact, he chastised her for leaning back too much and thought she had lost interest…
    Hm. He can do what he wants….and men will.

  25.  #25Tam on November 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    Flowerchild, good for you! You have my admiration.

  26.  #26Heart on November 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    I feel surprised by my jealous…
    wow…do i want to get married?

  27.  #27FlowerChild77 on November 26, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Thank you Tam…it’s been rough…really rough. It feels good to let the sunshine in <3

  28.  #28Annie on November 26, 2012 at 6:15 pm

    I feel blessed that I have woken up and become aware.
    I feel blessed to be physically well.
    I feel blessed to be in a lovely warm home.

  29.  #29Heart on November 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    professional …hehe

  30.  #30Lady K on November 26, 2012 at 6:17 pm

    How does this sound?
    I feel unimportant and sad when someone and I make plans and don’t follow through. And when i wait around and don’t know what’s going on i feel really confused.

  31.  #31Tam on November 26, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    I am actually not even bothered if he doesn’t show up on Wed, because I know he loves me and if he doesn’t show, his ADHD stuff got the better of him or he got freaked out. I am happy that I get that now.
    And I feel happy that I can make some plans for myself for Wednesday night so that I have something else to do if I don’t have confirmatiob from him closer to the time. I am not going to wait around…point is that if I am somewhere else, he can pick me up from there anyway as it is all on his way to my place.
    Yes, Tam. No waiting.

  32.  #32Tam on November 26, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    And he is respecting boundaries. For now.
    This makes me feel even more resolved to stand by my boundaries and not let them crumble.

  33.  #33Annie on November 26, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    Hi Tam, I can see why you thought I was meaning an individual Siren. And how my post gave that impression. I don’t know what individual Siren you are talking about though,
    I was responding to women in general who do this,

  34.  #34Lady K on November 26, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    And now I’m starting to feel upset because he texted back and said that he just got off of work and that he was going to shower and then he’d be here.. well that was well over an hour ago.. now i feel all anxious and upset.. But I’m trying to focus on myself.

  35.  #35Femininewoman on November 26, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Lady K how long does it normally take you to get ready?

  36.  #36Annie on November 26, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    Also absolutely feel in agreement with you . “He can do what he wants and men will.” Yep sure can, It’s juts not what I want so we any man like that is not compatible with me as it isn’t what I want. He is not the best man for me and that’s what I want the best man for me.

  37.  #37Annie on November 26, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Like I said.
    I only want to date men who don’t have a girlfriend/wife/are still legally married or are intimately involved with another women.
    And then leave the ball in their court and see what happens.
    I don’t want to set myself up for any drama and foreseeable complications that are staring me in the face with men in those situations.

  38.  #38Ulii on November 26, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    I feel blessed for..

    *having this blog and Siren Island Fb group and all my other internet friends for a constant source of advice, inspiration and support, cheering me up in my low moments, offering comfort and connection and motivating me to move forward and learn from everything.

    *having physical health for me and my loved ones.

    *having so close & good realtionship with the nicest friendly people who have offered their home to me to live in.Although it is a temporary situation. I feel really blessed to have this chance.

  39.  #39Femininewoman on November 26, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    Lady K the “don’t follow through” is masking blaming and making him wrong but I believe he will clearly hear the “you”

  40.  #40Femininewoman on November 26, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    I am looking for the article where Rori suggests that a man with a girlfriend is not necessarily “unavailable”. So many men choose their ex over current girlfriends.

  41.  #41Ulii on November 26, 2012 at 6:37 pm

    @ Tam

    The situation sounds good to me. Seems he is really trying to get himself together this time.

  42.  #42Ulii on November 26, 2012 at 6:46 pm

    My ex M has (kind of) invited me to a concert this Thursday evening.. Although it will be with more people we both know. But he´ll be staying here later at the house I am living (with his parents, at his childhood home). And probably there will be possibilities of being alone and talking.

    I feel nervous about that.
    I have not really talked to him after more than 3 weeks ago I opened up to him and almost asked for us to be back together and he told me “no”.
    Part of me wants to believe he has changed his mind. And the phrase “So many men choose their ex over current girlfriends” gets me all excited about that chance.
    But I do feel afraid of this possibility too.

  43.  #43Tam on November 26, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    Ulii, yes, it does…but that’s part of a pattern. And it is not just him. I was also very unavailable and contributed to it before, I used to push him away and be relly defensive and scared – for good reason. But FINALLY I am trying to change how I react and what he does is up to him. And it is up to me whether I can accept it.
    I only just begin to realise how insecure he is and how easy it is for him to get upset and jealous, he must have all these NV’s – many many more than me.
    And I used to think he was just an arrogant ba*tard…tonight he got upset because I said I was out tomorrow..I could feel him oozing insecurity (‘is she out with another man’, ‘why is she rejecting me’) – I could feel it.
    Jeez, he is worse than me, how is this possible??
    It’s almost funny.
    I just don’t want to walk on eggshells, I am going to be open with him about anything, also about the fact that a man who makes no commitment has no claim on me and so on…he might run but I need to speak my truth.

  44.  #44Tam on November 26, 2012 at 6:51 pm

    Ulii, staying open and happy without too manye xpectations might be in order for your concert..I know, easier said than done but he is coming towards you for whatever reason..

  45.  #45Olympia on November 26, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    1. I feel supremely blessed To have a man that tells me he wants a future with me.

    2. I feel blessed that I’m healthy.

    3. I feel blessed to have warm gloves, earmuffs, and a scarf in the cold today!

  46.  #46Ulii on November 26, 2012 at 7:03 pm


    Well..can´t tell much as I don’t really know the reasons he is like that.
    But it seems your opening up this time (specially this sitting on the floor and letting him see you feel sad – when he last freaked out)…from what I can sense…it is inpiring for him, making him see how his actions affect you more clearly, and maybe inspiring him to be a better man for you. I could almost feel his struggling too: him wanting to step up for you vs his own NVs.

    Who is going to win, is not yet known. I tuly hope the better him will.

    But of course you have to speak your truth and take care of your heart first. And making clear he has to claim you if he wants you is crucial. And how you feel being on the eggshells all the time.

    Tam, do you think he is capable of speaking about “what he sees for you?” in this realtionship…

  47.  #47Annie on November 26, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    38: Femininewoman says:

    “I am looking for the article where Rori suggests that a man with a girlfriend is not necessarily “unavailable”. So many men choose their ex over current girlfriends.”

    Yes Rori does suggest that a man with a girlfriend is not unavailable for a date.
    She also goes on to say it then becomes what the individual Siren wants and feels about this.
    So if the individual Siren is happy to date him whilst he has a girlfriend and it feels good to her then see what happens. He would be the one initiating the date though and chasing.
    Or if the individual Siren only wanted to date a man
    who was not dating other women then that is what she would express.

    So is down to the individual.
    To me it would feel like foreseeable drama complications and a betrayal to another Siren.
    That’s me though. I feel accepting that what is right for me is not what others think is right for them.
    Each to their own.

    This is what the journey is about finding what we want and don’t want. What is right for us and the right man who is contemptible for us.
    And man who is involved with another woman is not compatible with what I want so is not the right man for me.

  48.  #48Annie on November 26, 2012 at 7:12 pm


  49.  #49Ulii on November 26, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    @ 42 Tam

    Thank you!
    Yes…I try. Zero expectations. (Well, to be totally honest, there always are some.)
    He does really like the band and probably he´s also coming to this town for visiting his parents. And we are supposedly getting nicely along but Ii shouldn´t get too excited and start to wait something more than a friendly meeting from that. And I say supposedly, as I do feel heavy hearted always I don´t get the attention from him I used to, but I feel without a right to say anything about my feelings, as he has a new gf, he´s told me hes not wanting to be back together, and I feel it´s also natural I don´t get to have the same connection with him as before. Though it still feels sad.

  50.  #50Lady K on November 26, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    It takes me a while to get ready because i have to do my makeup and hair..

    I feel so unimportant right now 🙁 J just texted me after he told me he would be down here soon and he said hey Ky I hate to do this to you but i promised so and so that i would hang out with him tonight? Can we get together tomorrow? Ill make it up to you… I feel like crying right now. We’ve had these plans since lastnight. I feel so disappointed and upset. What do i even say to that?

  51.  #51Annie on November 26, 2012 at 7:25 pm

    Lady K.

    Do you want to tolerate feeling unimportant less important then the other person second class?
    And be treated like that?

    Are you going to be available tomorrow or treat yourself important and go and date yourself and do something nice for yourself?


  52.  #52Belle on November 26, 2012 at 7:28 pm

    Today I feel so blessed to have felt like I was in absolute heaven.
    I was teasing and playing with a man who gave me an orgasm by just barely stroking me through my clothes and as it rolled through he put his arms around me and held me so tight, kneading his hands all up and down my back and buried his face in my neck. I was enveloped in his warmth and felt so loved, so safe, so protected and so surrendered.
    I almost felt like I could cry, I felt so relaxed only…no tears came. I felt blissed.

    I feel so blessed that, now that I’ve taken control of how I like to be touched and don’t worry about whether someone might think I’m weird or too sensitive, orgasms last
    I feel full body orgasms that surge and pulse for sometimes 30 minutes. I never would have believed it if it weren’t happening to me!

    I feel blessed to feel like I’m getting my groove back.
    I feel blessed to be ALIVE!
    Feels good.
    Feels yum.
    Feels oh so sweet.

  53.  #53Annie on November 26, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    Lady K.

    Your truth I feel upset disappointing and unimportant, so it feels best for me and go and take care of myself and make myself feel better and then go and do that.

  54.  #54Annie on November 26, 2012 at 7:32 pm

    🙂 Yay to go Belle.

    I have experienced that too.
    Yay for being highly sensitive. It has it benefits.

  55.  #55Daria on November 26, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    Belle – yay your post is a sign for me that I’m gonnabe receiving yummy sex pleasure! Woohoo

  56.  #56Ulii on November 26, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Lady K

    I would feel angry. I would feel like not talking to him for a while. Going out on my own maybe? Showing love to myself this moment. No matter what.
    And some (long) time later (tomorrow, the next day).., maybe being open to hear his excuses. While expressing it felt really bad to be treated like that. And also that I´m feeling kind of turned off with this kind of behaviour.

  57.  #57Lady K on November 26, 2012 at 7:38 pm

    Annie.. no i do not want to tolerate this i feel crappy feeling like I’m unimportant.. but i did not realize that i should use tomorrow to take care of myself so i simply just said. “Yeah i understand, It does make me feel disappointed when our plans get cancelled. But tommorrow is fine.” So maybe i seem too available and too understanding. But it does let him know how i feel in a way that is a million times better than lashing out and putting blame on him. I will spend the rest of my night and most of tommorrow treating and loving myself.
    Hugs to myself.

  58.  #58Luzydel on November 26, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    I am not going to hide my abilities and talents to make a man feel good. I am not going to dumb down myself anymore. I can be successful and feminine and soft and sensual, I can be smart and still be a woman. I can make money and work hard and still let a man be a man when he is with me…

  59.  #59Ulii on November 26, 2012 at 7:44 pm

    @ 50 Belle

    Wow…I’d like that for myself someday. My body feels highly sensitive, but I have some healing to do before being able to explore all this a bit more & with someone I feel comfortable with.

  60.  #60Annie on November 26, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Hugs Lady K.
    We teach people how they can treat us by what we tolerate and accept.

    We have no control over how others chose to treat us.
    We are only able to control how we react and treat ourselves.

    Men respond to actions not words.

    So if you act understanding and ok about and accept being second class treatment and are available tomorrow when he breaks plans how do you think he will treat you in the future? First priority or second?

  61.  #61Indigo on November 26, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    ((((hugs to all sirens)))))

    And happy Thanksgiving to those of you that celebrated it.

    I feel broken today, completely and utterly as if my insides want to eat me alive.

  62.  #62Popsicletoes53 on November 26, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Love this… great exercise…

    My blessings today are… I found out I had more in my checking account than I thought.

    I had a caring friend who saw a product on tv she thought I would like and she memorized the number for me BECAUSE SHE IS BLIND AND CAN’T SEE WELL ENOUGH TO WRITE!!! sheesh talk about feeling loved!!! It blew me away..

    I don’t have the flu like I thought I had yesterday.. seems it was just something I ate!!!

    Years ago I was in a deep depression.. didn’t realize it at the time.. but I do now see how bad it was. It was right after my divorce and I felt like my life didn’t matter to anyone.. so I decided to do something that would make me feel that I was important to someone so I “adopted” a child in an underdeveloped country and feed him every month.. till his family moved out of the sponsorship area. Everytime I saw his picture on my dresser I knew I was important because he was depending upon me to send in my $15 every month so he could have food and go to school. The next thing I did was start to collect little joys.. I felt I had no joy in my life so I prayed about it and felt my higher power impress on me to begin to “collect” the little joys I felt and saw every day.. the laugh of a child, a bird singing, puppies at play, something funny I saw on tv, etc. and I learned if I collected a whole lot of little joys during the day that they added up to a big joy at the end of the day. These two things got me through a terrible time in my life.

  63.  #63Starbright on November 26, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Popsicletoes –

    As someone said the other day I do love your name. It puts a smile on my face whenever I see you here!

    What wonderful blessings you list. And, it feels so encouraging to read about how you cared for yourself and found ways to come out of a depression by finding the joys in life. Thanks so much for sharing!

  64.  #64Starbright on November 26, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    Popsicletoes –

    As someone said the other day I do love your name. It puts a smile on my face whenever I see you here!

    What wonderful blessings you list. And, it feels so encouraging to read about how you cared for yourself and found ways to come out of a depression by finding the joys in life. Thanks so much for sharing!

  65.  #65Starbright on November 26, 2012 at 8:56 pm


    Thinking about you and hoping you are doing well! I enjoyed talking with you the other night.

    It seems that you are learning so much and I hope that you didn’t get discouraged by some of the feedback here.

    We all take as long as we need. And, everyone is here to grow. Sometimes feedback may feel painful. And, if you want, you can ask for what you need here, which can include asking for sirens to not comment on your posts if it feels bad.

  66.  #66Starbright on November 26, 2012 at 9:00 pm


  67.  #67Starbright on November 26, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    56: Luzydell,

    Sounds like you know what you want. That is very attractive. Men really like this. Especially when he can still be the man!

  68.  #68Indigo on November 26, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    Thank you Starbright for the hugs.

    I wish I had more time to catch up on sirens’ stories but it’s been such a crazy busy week for me.

    I am in a very strange place where I have two guys that I am dating who both seem to be so into me, and are both lovely. And I have the ex, who can devastate me at the smallest thing. And I carry my unfulfilled love for him around with me, which is so painful, and yet is a part of me that I love more than any other.

    I saw the new Twilight movie last night with one of the guys I am dating. He was so lovely, did everything right, paid for every last thing, put a smile on my face and had me laughing even though I had been in a dark place. And yet, all I could think of when I was watching that movie was how I yearned for my ex and the last time we made love.

    I hope I don’t sound crazy to you guys, but I know I don’t.

  69.  #69GlowStix on November 26, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    I feel blessed to have found love for myself

    I feel blessed to have an amazing family around m

    I feel blessed with the ability to speak and release what I am feeling

  70.  #70Scarlet on November 26, 2012 at 10:44 pm

    Just realised there’s a new thread. I was talking to myself on the other one!

    I was telling myself and anyone else who would listen to me that I am feeling terrible because only a couple of weeks ago the man was calling me twice a day and now nothing – not a word from him for 10 days.

    I am feeling heartbroken because I always thought it would eventually be me that would have to end it, but it appears he is ending it himself. That hurts so much.

    I feel abandoned, rejected, sad and very very scared.

    I am so scared he is gone from my life forever. And why am I pining when he treats with with such little regard for my feelings.

  71.  #71Smile on November 26, 2012 at 11:06 pm

    Heart, from previous thread


    It feels so bad to see a ‘siren’ attack another siren in this way

    I see it is a pattern for you.

    I felt ouch for Daria too.

    I am feeling calm.
    The anger is yours not mine.

    Please do not ever respond to my situation again. Your understanding feels twisted to me.

  72.  #72Heart on November 27, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Just came back from a cheap spa . Feeling so calm & euphoric. Feeling sea like on the insides. I met my next door neighbour earlier today! He’s from the same part of England as Cuddleygrinch! Can you believe it?
    He has already told me to come check on him and that I can “knock on his door anytime”.
    I would feel uncomfy doing that though!
    LOL. Not sure if I want to Cd my neighbour though?!
    Wow..I feel surprised he and CudG is from the same area…Uncanny!

  73.  #73Vi on November 27, 2012 at 12:16 am

    Just caught myself on using MH as a kind of my vibe-meter… He got grumpy and I’m like – Am I feeling okay? And yes, it turns out I am feeling tension all over my body and having these feelings of fear and submissiveness again…

  74.  #74Vi on November 27, 2012 at 12:22 am

    I love my fear. I love my submissiveness. I love my tense muscles. I love my tense tummy. I love my tense shoulders. I love the sad expression of my face. I love me. I feel blessed for my fear. I feel blessed for my submissiveness. I feel blessed that I feel giggly now. I feel blessed for my tense muscles. I feel blessed to have them. I feel blesses to feel them. I feel blesses to watch them. Thank you Universe for my sad expression on my face. Thank you Universe for my smiley expression on my face. Thank you Universe for my face. Thank you Universe.

  75.  #75Vi on November 27, 2012 at 12:24 am

    Belle it feels amazing to read your post!

  76.  #76Heart on November 27, 2012 at 12:26 am

    I remember when I was into Manboy…I kept meeting men that had the same name as him…
    Granted his name is common but it was weird. Like 3 guys in the same day had his name…
    Also sometimes when I was out walking…I would mistake people for him.

    The same thing happened today….I was leaving the place…Feeling so centered and I saw this guy…like a block away….and he looked so much like CudG and I felt panicked like oh no – I have no make up on!
    More than likely it wasn’t him of course…
    but what’s this about?? ….why do i keep thinking i am seeing the guy I’m into….?

  77.  #77Heart on November 27, 2012 at 12:30 am

    I feel love for water
    I feel afraid of it’s destructiveness
    I feel awed by it’s healing powers…

  78.  #78Heart on November 27, 2012 at 12:32 am

    Vi – have u been introduced to Dominique’s tension exercise?
    Please try it!! It’s awesome….

  79.  #79Heart on November 27, 2012 at 12:52 am

    I really need to stop seeing him…as the guy I’m into…Imaginary relationship….the good news is I haven’t thought about him so much over the past couple of days…
    Maybe he has somebody now…Pain.
    Scientist should make a drug to help us just stop liking the guy…
    Whatever….I feel so awesome regardless. I feel at ease. Dating myself feels so good.

  80.  #80Butterfly Wings on November 27, 2012 at 1:09 am

    I am feeling quite happy today, and I know my vibe has a lot to do with it. TH attempted to lure me back with an “offer” of FWB and of course I did not accept! lol He must be kidding me!?

    Meanwhile NWG has been VERY attentive, and we’ve arranged to go to work drinks again on Friday. I feel curious about what might happen with him, although wary about it. He now sits right near TH at work, so it’s kind of awkward.

    I don’t think I posted here, but I found myself in the lift at work with both TH AND NWG yesterday. NWG and i were standing behind TH and he kept poking me in the side, and turning his eyes towards TH. So I poked him back.

    A woman standing behind us said “Stop it children!” lol

    NWG later emailed me offering his sympathy for being stuck in the lift with them and said he was trying to make the situation lighthearted.

    I’m not sure, but I think TH may have finally got the message today, but we’ll see… I’m sure he’ll try something again on Friday… because he knows I’ll go out. But I’m not backing down. I feel so happy with my decision to walk away and I finally feel stress FREE!

    Tomorrow night I’m going to a course on inner healing through meditation. I am hoping it will help me to move forward to an even better place than I am now. 🙂

  81.  #81Scarlet on November 27, 2012 at 1:38 am

    that made me laugh. You are so right – if only scientists could come up with a drug to take them out of our minds.

  82.  #82Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 1:44 am


  83.  #83Heart on November 27, 2012 at 1:49 am

    Scarlet – lets hope they invent it soon…hehe.

  84.  #84Scarlet on November 27, 2012 at 1:53 am

    Ok, I will try…….

    I am grateful for:
    1. My little girl (step granddaughter) staying with me, who brings me so much joy.

    2. My job which is so so busy, it distracts me from thinking about the man ALL day.

    3. My son who is back from studying in the US and living with me again. He is fun to have around.

    I’ll try doing it again tomorrow

  85.  #85Scarlet on November 27, 2012 at 2:03 am

    Tam, I am so happy for you. Good luck.

  86.  #86Indigo on November 27, 2012 at 2:04 am


    I also feel grateful for the company I work for, who have sent me on a stress management course today, where I don’t have to do anything but sit back and feel. It’s as if the universe knew.

  87.  #87Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 2:58 am

    Can’t seem to get out of moderation…..

    Anyway, when I do, Starla, they are checking on those earrings. One way or the other, I’ll get you fixed up!!!!

  88.  #88Ulii on November 27, 2012 at 3:31 am

    @ Indigo 66

    “I am in a very strange place where I have two guys that I am dating who both seem to be so into me, and are both lovely. And I have the ex, who can devastate me at the smallest thing. And I carry my unfulfilled love for him around with me, which is so painful, and yet is a part of me that I love more than any other.”

    I can relate to that feeling. Maybe not so intense, but it´sa bit similar case with me.


  89.  #89Heart on November 27, 2012 at 3:56 am

    Indigo – you’re grieving….it’s ok..I think it’s great that you can dte and grieve at the same time. Very admirable.

  90.  #90Heart on November 27, 2012 at 3:57 am


  91.  #91Tam on November 27, 2012 at 4:14 am

    Scarlet, thank you.
    I know already goalposts will change for Wednesday and that he might not come (and that is definitely something to do with his ADHD thing), but I am back on my horse, so it doesn’t matter too much.
    Eventually, he will have to decide what he wants to do and I have to decide whether it’s good enough for me, else I will have to run and have closure as this can’t go on forever.
    He is changing, slowly, but he keeps backtracking…and falling back into old patterns and he is sooooo easily scared and so insecure…it’s very difficult eeven get what he means…yesterday he sent these text messages and in one it looked like he was making fun of me and turns out it was him getting insecure whether I wanted to see him at all just because I said I was out.
    It’s really hard work not to take his jibes personally because they are about him not me.
    We will see. Today I have a tentative date with someone without anything romantic, and it is tentative so I might go myself to the switching on of the Xmas lights..I didn’t want to miss it for the opportunity that MrP might come today…as he wanted to….so yay to me and my boundaries and the Xmas lights. 🙂

  92.  #92Tam on November 27, 2012 at 4:22 am

    Ulii….him being able to speak about what he sees for me or in me in this relationship?
    He doesn’t talk much about these things…we don’t have a relationship…really. He is very guarded and so am I and I am trying to work on that (on me).
    I wand to kind of take things light but I also need to speak to him about the fact that I am not willing to hang on forever and that if there is not going to be a committed relationship, I will keep my options open as I suppose he will his and that this means movin on for me, and moving on for good.
    Not quite sure how to bring that across because he will feel rejected for sure, he always does – but he also knows my deal as I have told him this before…and he is kind of skirting the subject although at the beginning of the year he did offer me a relationship and even more, BUT never came through on it (this was also my fault for not telling him how I felt..I did actually subtly reject him). We are both scared….ha!

  93.  #93Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:04 am

    I am dealing with an ultra alpha alpha male who is also insecure and scared – I suspect that he misunderstands and was misunderstood often, hence now all this protective crap and I am the same.

    I can do nothing but sit back, watch this unfold, trust my boundaries, speak authentically and that is that.
    He needs to trust me and it’s not my job to convince.

  94.  #94Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:06 am

    I also feel highly amused…can’t help it.
    He wants to see my Xmas lights….ha ha ha…I did not say that I have the measly grand total of 50 little bulbs strung chaotically over my balcony.

  95.  #95Vi on November 27, 2012 at 5:06 am

    Heart it feels interesting, thank you.

  96.  #96Ulii on November 27, 2012 at 5:09 am

    @ 89 Tam

    What I mean was…is he able to talk about the situation and how he understand it and what he expects out of it.. without the emotions & insecurities taking over. I f he is, than I think there is a lot of hope the things are getting better & quickly. It seems- generally, in everyday situation – he is a logically thinking result orientated man. So I hope he could understand why it has been hard for you and why it can not continue on like this if you’re expressing yourself (which seems you are doing wonderfully lately).

    I think men really must logically get this that we are not their posessions and if they can´t commit to a degree of stability, it´s outrageous to expect we will be ok with that, be exclusive and close our options. I would maybe even ask him “Is this what you are waiting form me? I feel it´s unfair.” Or something… That´s how I would feel at least.

    I know also that personalities are different and men with more insecurities or drama-filled childhoods can be specially sensitive. It would be great, if Rori could have some “No-girlfriend speech” a bit milder to this kind of audience of men. As she says it´s ok if the men get angry. But sometimes I think it´s ok if the men are more or less ok with themselves, but much are not, so it´s natural that some men get too blinded by that and the no gf speech doesn´t really “work” for that situation.

  97.  #97Ulii on November 27, 2012 at 5:16 am

    But…sorry, Tam..I am being long and getting into my habit of analyzing and too much thinking myself.

    I just know for myself that being authentic is hard for me if it comes to really show how I really feel in tense situations, so I start to imagine this situation for myself and how I should be acting (and same timeworrying if I´m capable of it). It doesn´t mean I perceive you are doing something wrong. Not at all.

    I think your attitude is perfect actually. You are already doing everything you can the best you can and being authentic, so I think there´s no better way & no convincing of him is needed.

  98.  #98Linda on November 27, 2012 at 5:17 am

    Continued thoughts from yesterday…

    I feel open to life and what it brings me.
    I feel open to men and what they bring me.

    I had a LOVELY date with my favorite CD of the ones in my rotation last night. He seems to be the perfect combination of things I want in my life. There is a dynamic chemistry between us. I could just get lost with this man for days and not want to come up for air ! If he steps up completely… he will get the prize “ME”. The other men in my CD rotation have the same opportunity.

    This thing about no expectation is working for me right now. Not leading or living in my head, but instead focusing on what I have control over which is me my life and what I want and my goals.

    My CD surprised me last night. He will NOT let me open a door going into a building for myself. He literally will stop my arm and firmly but gently inhibit my reach and say… remember “I” want to get the door for you. …. yes receiving
    He asked if I needed anything when we were out. Instead of my usual response “no I am good”… I said, yes actually I need to get some yogurt, bananas and breakfast bars …he drove me to the store… I asked if he wanted to just drop me off at the door…”Nope, I want to go in with you, It will be our first shopping excursion together”… yes receiving.

    I had not heard from him in a few days, decided he was not interested (overthinking I admit) but got a text saying simply “hi beautiful” I had felt wondering why I had not heard from him I felt disappointed that I had not but I also know that he did not owe me anything nor did he commit to contacting me… so I took all that thinky stuff out of the way and read the message and how it made me feel! BIG baby Step for me here…. and my I wrote my response…” Hi… what a lovely message to find on my phone”…. yes recieving

    I dont want to get in the way of what a man is going to bring me because I expected something else. I am practicing this…. and am enjoying the results

    I am thankful for …. yes receiving

  99.  #99Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:18 am

    Ulii…I don’t know if he is able to talk about it, we emailed about it a few times and he retracts usually. Then he did ask me for a relationship at the beginning of the year…and I feel awkward bringing up the topic actually, because depending on the mood he is in, who knows how it is perceived.
    We did come to the conclusion at one point that we didn’t want the same thing and that we ought to stay friends….that was in May or so, after all the drama earlier in the year. But now we are back to…I don’t know, ‘dating’? It seems almost too early to jump in and talk about the relationship, but I need to really.

    I think he would talk about it – however, it is difficult to approach the subject, and he is very guarded. And I also feel scared to hear him come out with the old ‘I just want fwb’ thing. I did tell him in April, that I did not want to engage in anything physical if I am not in a committed relationship and his reaction to it was just to stop making a move…temporarily…and then he got frustrated because the attraction is there….and then he said he felt rejected…hm.
    And then he said he wanted to show me that it’s not at all about sex…and courted me for months…even with me fighting him off. How confusing.

    The fwb thing is totally insincere since we never were fwb at all, the benefit he got is negligible…the physical side of our relationship was practically non-existent (my wish)….so it’s all very confusing.
    We will see what happens.

  100.  #100Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:21 am

    Guess I do need some kind of a speech ready…not sure what though. I feel confused myself as to what I want.
    Do I really want a relationship with a man who is by all accounts quite a mess (which he will say himself)? Do his good traits make up for all this?
    I guess only if he can step up.
    Then I could consider it.
    Else, I can’t hang on to all this…it would not serve me.

  101.  #101Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:23 am

    Ulii, I did not feel criticised at all, I am actually super thankful for your words..I guess we think and feel very similarly….so I am happy to hear whatever you have to say! 🙂

  102.  #102Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:28 am

    Yes, Ulii, yes and yes again. He has had a terrible childhood and also his ADHD stuff – and his extremely stubborn and guarded attitude….yikes.
    But I also had my problems. I am not his Mummy…although sometimes he seems to feel that way.
    He is logically thinking and very alpha male – until he freaks due to his stuff, then he gets totally irrational and mean. Meh. Whatever.
    When he got so irrational and I got upset last time, was actually the first time I saw this man have empathy for anything other than dogs (he loves animals). I am not kidding. He had empathy for me..haha..and tried to make it better.
    I felt very surprised because I always thought he is a narcissist and has no empathy etc etc.
    No, he has plenty of empathy…and he is a good man.

  103.  #103Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:33 am

    It’s all about me, me, me and about how I feel.

  104.  #104Ulii on November 27, 2012 at 5:37 am


    I´m glad you didn’t.

    Well… I feel happy if there is something useful to find in my words. But I would like to see Dominique or Femininewoman- for example – commenting on this too. I feel I’m too similar to you Tam, so someone with another perspective could be of more help. 🙂

    I´m off to have an urgent translation job I have to finish by tomorrow morning, so probably will be 24 hours straight working. I feel exhausted already before starting. But at least I could earn some. That is really needed.

  105.  #105Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:43 am

    Ulii, good luck with the translation..I know that it sounds like an easy job but it never is, done some myself… 🙂

    I’d also love for Dominique to comment…

  106.  #106Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:44 am

    or anyone else…actually. I feel a little stuck in a one way street, knowing what is at the end….

  107.  #107Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 5:47 am

    Having a bad morning, so perfect post for me.

    I feel grumpy, but here’s what I’m thankful for today:

    1. Hot shower this morning
    2. Hot coffee this morning
    3. This positive blog post, forcing me out of my negativity!

    Had a dream about Big Heartache last night. He and his wife (I hardly ever dream about him by himself and I haven’t dreamt about them in a long time), he and his wife just showed up.

    and I felt feelings of inadequacy, sadness, anger, and embarassment in my dream.

    and I desperately wanted support. I wanted someone to listen to me about how bad them merely existing made me feel. and the woman who i was talking to said, “I think you’ve still got a lot of bitterness about this.”

    and then I woke up.

    and I felt really sad and guilty and shaken up in a bad way.

    then I slept in too late, got a late shower, didn’t dry my hair, threw it up in a mess, and arrived exactly one minute late.

    I didn’t have breakfast. My coffee spilled in the car.
    I feel kind of sick.

    but this post…

    this post made me grateful that at least I was able to enjoy a hot shower, enjoy a hot cup of coffee, have a steady place of employment to go to! and many other good things in my life…

    so thank you, Rori.

    For all your positive thoughts, for the honesty in your writing about your own struggles, and for working with all of us and being patient with all of us as we heal.

    and for this blog, where you allow us to rift all over the place, make judgments, be messy with all our good emotions, and learn from it all.

    I am soooo thankful for you and this place!

  108.  #108Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 5:48 am

    I meant to say good and bad emotions…

  109.  #109Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 5:49 am

    not that any emotions are “good” or “bad.” but you guys know what I mean.

    the emotions that don’t feel good and the ones that do feel good and the sinking in and acceptance of them all…

  110.  #110Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 5:50 am

    I feel explain-y!

  111.  #111Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:51 am


  112.  #112Tam on November 27, 2012 at 5:52 am

    Actually, I feel quite relaxed and suprised about that. I feel like ‘aaah, all will be well’.
    Maybe it won’t be, but so what, the feeling is good.

  113.  #113Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 5:54 am


    Will you be able to let him say what he needs to say and physically, mentally and emotionally lean back? Encourage him to speak his peace and then speak yours after absorbing
    and processing?

    I get the feeling he so wants you and he to make this work. Despite his issues it seems he needs you in his life.

  114.  #114Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:03 am

    110 oh Sassy, that feels good to read. I somehow believe that too…but the point is that it is very rare that he speaks authentically and openly with me.
    And I don’t want to push him. Not now.

  115.  #115Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:06 am

    how do I encourage him to speak up?

  116.  #116Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:13 am

    I also have to confess that, although this is not based on any reality most likely, that there are other women lurking somewhere…and my NV’s are telling me that ‘maybe he plays the same game with them’.
    And then I want to trust him and believe what he says…that there is nobody else…but I have an uneasy feeling in my gut about this.
    Though, really…he hands me his phone happily, I was at his house a few times and he trusted me to go through all his possessions (we cleared out)…I mean, papers and all. I saw everything and if I had wanted to snoop I could have found out absolutely everything about him – of course I didn’t.
    So if he had something to hide he wouldn’t be like that I guess.
    Nevermind the unnerving thing that he seems to think he can go through all my drawers (no pun intended) and cupboards and comment on what he finds in there…ahem….that needs to stop.

  117.  #117Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:14 am

    ‘that I think there are other women’ ‘I think’ being the key here. Too much thinking.

  118.  #118Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 6:16 am

    I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling grumpy, I tend to get very masculine. My voice gets lower and my defenses go up.

    How can I heal this?

    Sink into my feelings?

    Ouch. Overwhelming sadness.

    Why is grumpiness feel more acceptable than deep sadness?

    sinking into feelings makes me feel like I’m losing control.

    and I suppose I am.

    I’m surrendering. I’m giving up.

    I’m giving up trying to be strong.

    is there strength in that?

    it feels like losing control.

    and while that can be a good thing, you also NEED a measurement of control just to make it through your day!

    I feel deep sighing…

  119.  #119Linda on November 27, 2012 at 6:20 am

    112 Tam

    How would your feel about you speaking your truth authentically. No attached hopes to outcome just be authentic yourself.

    When i think about how I feel when someone is like that with me… I start to feel more open to it. Even if he does not follow suit…no matter. You did it and it feels amazing when I do it. What do you think?

  120.  #120Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 6:21 am

    It doesn’t feel good to realize someone wanted to use me.
    I feel angry
    I feel hurt
    I feel tired of his narcissistic, self-centered ways
    I don’t want to feel this way about him.
    Back on my way to feel good without him again. He won’t be back. I’m sure he got the message when I didn’t jump

  121.  #121Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Tam @112 encourage him by just saying we need to begin to resolve this as I’m feeling ______________.

    @113-he’s coming back to YOU, Tam. Effff those other women. You know what we always say here-actions speak.
    (And yes-too much thinking…)

    Linda is right, speak your authentic truth, you do it so well here.

  122.  #122Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:29 am

    116 Linda, thank you, that was indeed the plan 🙂
    It is time I spoke up without feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. I have needs and he is a grown man…and if he can’t handle my feelings and wants then it’s better to know sooner than later, after all.

    It’s ok taking it light and having fun, but if he freaks everytime I get a text message, then it’s not possible to do that anyway, let’s face it.

  123.  #123BAB/Rebekah on November 27, 2012 at 6:30 am

    I feel so blessed this morning for the good night kiss I received.. For the snuggles and dinner in bed with my love..
    And for not letting my mood be affected by his momentary bad mood! 🙂

  124.  #124Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:31 am

    118 Sassy, wise words there!! I shall try my best, if he turns up. If not, I shall live to fret for another day 😉

  125.  #125Silver Moonbeam on November 27, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Every morning I do a mantra in a special spot in the garden, I call it an Attitude of Gratitude. I stand under a tree and I look upwards and hold my hands out to to my side and say:

    THANK YOU for:

    An easy peasy job

    A lovely rent free flat near London

    Financial abundance (well not really but I am trying to attract it into my life)

    Continued good health

    And last but by no means least is:

    I feel grateful to The Universe for bringing into my life love and romance in the shape of a lovely man who will love and care for me as I am and who I will love just as much.


  126.  #126Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 6:33 am

    Annie @ 17 – I’m not going to explain every detail to you – I was answering a question from another Siren as quickly and simply as I could. Of course his ex wife has her own side of the story and I assume she has her own support group . . .

  127.  #127Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:35 am would also love a rent free flat in London, how do I manifest this? 😉

  128.  #128Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 6:35 am

    I feel so happy this morning for the meditative practice that I have taken the risk to start. I feel proud of myself. Today I totally trust my inner guidance. My grateful heart will attract everything to me everything that I desire. I bathe myself in my own love and use my mind to visualize and create my dream life

  129.  #129Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 6:39 am

    RE 115 hehe – A guy suggested this morning that I have been grumpy lately. I believe it is because I have not been the regular exuberant personality that always welcomes his presence with a lot of chit chat.

  130.  #130Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 6:42 am

    how do I encourage him to speak up?

    I believe you can’t. You can only *inspire* someone by going first. By speaking of your hopes, dreams and visions for your life

  131.  #131Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:42 am

    No obsessing about the man, Tam, obsess about yourself or about the sparkly dress and the switching on of the Xmas lights downtown today…that would feel soo much better.
    Me me me me….the dress the dress the dress….Santa….fake snow…..lots of little sparkly bulbl…and cocktails…..ha!

  132.  #132Mercedes on November 27, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Three of many, many blessings:

    J – because he makes me laugh, makes me feel safe, holds me close, debates intelligently, keeps me grounded, is a great traveling companion, kisser, lover, partner and friend…and because he loves me and gives me someone to love back.

    My family and friends – because they always accept me for who I am no matter how many mistakes I make and they welcome me with open arms.

    My job – because it allows me to keep my independence by paying me well enough to take care of my bills and a lot of my wants (within reason).

    There are so many blessings in my life. I’m very, very grateful for that.

    Much Love,

  133.  #133Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:46 am

    And on the CDing front, the Latin guy from the other day has sent me a picture of us (he was taking lots) this morning with the line ‘you are so beautiful’…actually, very sweet. This is a very nice and intelligent man and really devoted to his kids…he is also very outgoing and really nice and he treated me like a queen all night, I hate to think how much the evening must have cost him, wow.

    And someone I was last in contact with a year ago, a very nice man also, just messaged me.

    The waterwheel is coming towards me..hehe.

  134.  #134Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 6:46 am

    SMB 122-

    Love it! We bring more blessings by being grateful for everything we already have and believing we have already received what we want.

  135.  #135Annie on November 27, 2012 at 6:47 am

    re empathy.

    Empathy and sympathy are synonymous but not the same.

    And empathy has different levels (stages)
    Also just because we have empathy for someone it does not mean we are compatible with them in a healthy relationship.
    A lot of people have low or mid level level empathy, doesn’t mean they will use that to do what is best for us, most of the time sadly it is human nature/nurture to do the opposite and use that empathy to manipulate and control and outsmart the other person to get what we want.

  136.  #136Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 6:47 am

    @126 Feminine Woman – 🙂

  137.  #137Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 6:50 am

    I have been hesitant to make any comments about the Tam situation because Tam I have been recently experiencing your words as rather harsh and prickly. Many are focussed on how broken and needing fixing Mr. P is rather than on your stuff and how you might change your communication, vibe and body language. I keep remembering Bob Grant talking about men testing the waters. He comes forward and put his foot in (think hot water here) and then draws back. He keeps testing until he feels it is safe to completely immerse his body. Even if Mr. P is not Mr. Right he is presenting an opportunity to drop your defenses, assume he is doing the best he can and just change things up to invite him in. I believe I can feel strongly about what I want in my life but work on reducing the intensity with which I come across. I don’t know everything and I can learn but moving slowly along and watching how people react and respond to me.

  138.  #138Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:51 am

    127 agreed FW

  139.  #139Silver Moonbeam on November 27, 2012 at 6:52 am

    #124 Tam

    I have a live in job that comes with a rent free flat, pretty poor money TBH but I am better off than when I was earning more plus paying rent. 😀

  140.  #140Annie on November 27, 2012 at 6:53 am

    Sociopaths have empathy.
    Doesn’t mean they will not choose to use those skills to behave ruthlessly towards me if it gets them what they want.

  141.  #141Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:55 am

    134 FW..not so much about fixing him at all as about how I feel when he changes plans last minute or huffs and puffs being totally irrational and unreasonable and leaves me sitting with packed bags.
    The point is, with our history, I feel defensive and guarded because I was hurt before.
    I realise that this is not a good thing, but I would like to see a woman who has been repeatedly been stood up and dropped for what was mainly his own issues, who is still open, warm and smiley as he returns.
    There comes a time when defenses go up automatically and believe me, I am trying my best to expose myself but of course I feel scared, totally.
    And I am prickly because I feel an anger also, at feeling unheard.
    And no, his issues can’t actually be fixed, one can either live with them or not – but without a commitment, I don’t know why I should? It doesn’t make all that much sense to me, I could keep my life on hold for years and years – with no result.

  142.  #142Tam on November 27, 2012 at 6:57 am

    Sociopaths don’t actually feel empathy at all, that is part of the definition of a sociopath, Annie. They don’t have access to their feelings. Sorry, but I have read extensively about this.

  143.  #143Annie on November 27, 2012 at 7:00 am

    Just because someone has empathy and is able to understand what it is like to be in my shoes, it doesn’t mean they really care about how I feel and their actions will not harm me.

  144.  #144Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:01 am

    134 also FW, I don’t believe he feels safe with me due to HIS stuff and HIS insecurities…not something I did or didn’t do. It is out of my hands when my phone receives a text message and he drops all plans for the next two weeks. I am not going to take the blame for that and for making him feel unsafe – that is his stuff not mine. Totally convinced.
    Him getting angry at me having a life and going out – that is also not me ‘making him feel unsafe’, that is me having a life. Him being angry and feeling rejected by me having a life – again, I feel no blame.
    I can’t lock myself in a room and throw my phone into the toilet to ‘make him feel safe’…he would find something else.
    I can work on me but that doesn’t mean he will be less insecure, so I don’t take responsibility for that. There comes a time when we all have to take risks in life. He is afraid…of a lot of things not just relationships. That is also not my problem. I can inspire him but he has to fix himself. Period.

  145.  #145Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:05 am

    140. Hm Annie, but isn’t that the definition of empathy? That they do care how you feel and do want to make you feel better? I feel confused now.

    Anyhow, yes, I have seen this last week, that he does care about my feelings and not as much as I would like (to feel safe), but as much as he can give at a certain point in time. And I am not judging, I am just trying to find out whether it is good enough for me.
    Men are not women and I believe that this also creates some misunderstandings…

  146.  #146Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 7:06 am

    I think I am ready to tell JC I can’t go to the mountains with him. I still have not heard from him since Friday night and we are supposed to leave Thursday morning. I need to reach out to him, but I don’t even know his schedule today – he works crazy hours. I feel like I should text him to see if he is ok and get the conversation started.

    If I do this, i will be ending our relationship and I’m fine with that, but I want to be careful that I don’t blame him (I haven’t heard from you, you are giving me what I need . . .blah, blah,blah – this is all me and I want to end it for me). Surely he won’t be surprised? I think he will let me off the hook rather easily and quickly :/

  147.  #147Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 7:07 am

    I feel curious about your background, the type of work you do and who in your life is a sociopath.
    I realize its not really any of my business, but some of your posts strike me deeply.

  148.  #148Annie on November 27, 2012 at 7:08 am

    A person is not able to lie unless they have empathy.
    Level one empathy understanding a person has different thoughts and feelings to us.

    That is not belief Tam I have a Son with Aspergers and have spent many years studying empathy.

  149.  #149Dominique on November 27, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Tam – I’ve been following your story, yet I feel confused. What is it you really need help with. From what I’ve seen, you already have your answers.


  150.  #150Annie on November 27, 2012 at 7:10 am

    my belief*

  151.  #151Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:11 am

    being totally irrational and unreasonable – I would challenge this thought/judgement. I believe everyone has a right to do what they want and choose how they behave without me making them wrong by judging them as irrational. But that is me.

    leaves me sitting with packed bags – it is my humble opinion that taking responsibility for your actions might help take you out of the victim position

    I feel defensive and guarded because I was hurt before – my humble opinion is this is your stuff has is keeping you imprisoned in your past. These feelings are telling you something unrelated to him that you are best placed to identify and work on.

    when defenses go up automatically – I agree but one of Rori’s tools is to stop and also to drop the defenses when we notice them. This is about you.

    could keep my life on hold for years and years – is your choice to make. Or choose to walk away.

  152.  #152Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:11 am

    Calypso, you can set yourself free!! 🙂

  153.  #153Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Calypso I am wonder what I would be like to wait for him to contact you.

  154.  #154Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:13 am

    146 Dominique, not sure…how I really should proceed here, I am going back and forth in my mind…maybe just take it as it comes.

  155.  #155Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:13 am

    It feels like breaking up via text. I would hate to be on the receiving end of that. It feels disrespectful to me.

  156.  #156Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 7:15 am

    FW – I do kind of want to just wait him out, but that feels a little mean – to wait until the last minute to tell him I’m not going? I don’t know . . . maybe if I wait and don’t say a word, he will cancel for me?

    You think i should just keep quiet? It would not be hard for me . . . I have absolutely no desire to reach out to him.

  157.  #157Annie on November 27, 2012 at 7:17 am

    Like I said Tam empathy has different levels.

    Level one understanding that a person has different feelings and thoughts to us. That does not mean they care about how we feel or what we think.

    Then we have sympathy and compassion.
    They are all synonymous to each other bit different.

  158.  #158Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:17 am

    FW…if there was no such thing as ‘irrational’ then I wonder why we have that in the vocabulary.
    He calls himself: irrational, out of control, compulsive, impulsive and full of anger…..and that certainly comes through. He has got up in the middle of ordering drinks and food because he didn’t like the waitress and just stomps off after ordering….I have tons of little amusing/strange stories like that.
    It’s hardly rational, is it?
    It’s always a surprise, nothing is plannable…I actually don’t know another person who is so flippant, other than my friend’s son who has the same stuff going on.
    Believe me, if you have never dealt with it, you haven’t got a clue. I hate to say that but she used to tell us all how we didn’t have a clue about her son and how hard it is…..and now I totally understand.
    It’s not something they can control. It’s not something that can be fixed. It’s definitely not rational.

  159.  #159Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 7:18 am

    FW – yes, i get that about the text, but our entire relationship is built on electronic communication. He rarely ever calls me and I have never called him. Maybe i will just wait at least one more day and see what he says when he finally contacts me, which I guarantee will be via text . . .

  160.  #160Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:20 am

    calypso, for me keeping quiet would be like playing games and hoping he will cancel. If I didn’t want to go, I would tell him and set myself free and set myself free of thinking about it to.
    Something could have come up in your life…

  161.  #161Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Yeah, I need to work on my defenses, that is work in progress…but I can do it.
    Maybe with the right man it will be easier because he will make me feel more secure in opening up.
    This will be good practice again if nothing else…practice to work on myself.

  162.  #162Dominique on November 27, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Tam – What I see here is WAY over thinking. Breathe. Feel whatever come up when it comes up, and as you said, take it as it comes. BE in the moment, moment by moment. And speak when you feel compelled – in the moment.


  163.  #163Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 7:23 am

    TAm & FW – LOL – It’s like I have one of you on each shoulder . . . What to do? What to do? LOL . . .

    I hate this . . .

    But – right now I have a meeting and I’m for sure not going to text him and start a conversation or even try to make plans to talk in person before I go intot his staff meeting . . . will have to think on this some more.

    Maybe i will text him tonight if i have not heard from him and just see if he is OK – unusual for him to be quiet this long.

  164.  #164Mercedes on November 27, 2012 at 7:23 am

    The more we allow distructive and negative behavior in our lives, the more it will manifest there. This is where setting strong boundaries and knowing what we can an cannot tolerate from other human beings (especially those with whom we are involved romantically) is critical in maintaining peace, tranquility and happiness in our hearts and in our lives.

    Much Love,

  165.  #165Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Him getting angry at me – is partially what you want. It shows he is emotionally connected to you and maybe wants more. It shows how powerful you are and how much influence you have there.

    he drops all plans for the next two weeks – I agree. But I also believe he is entitled to do whatever he wants. He is a grown man and it is his life.

    That is also not my problem – I agree but I am yet to meet the man who is comfortable with another man hitting on who he considers “his woman”. Any man’s defenses would go up too and his masculine instincts would kick in. Maybe if the guy was there he would punched his lights out. Maybe this is Mr. P’s way of “claiming” you. I don’t know.

    I actually believe it was a good thing. I would drop everything if he does show up. Drop all my defenses, my thinking, my preparing for what is coming and just try to be in the moment and just listen to him. But then that is me.

  166.  #166Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:24 am

    159 Dominique, exactly…though I see it as processing and now I feel better and it’s all out!! 🙂
    Better here than spewing on him…my view.

    In the moment, yep, I will try to do that if it happens..

  167.  #167Annie on November 27, 2012 at 7:25 am

    Tam says:

    140. “Hm Annie, but isn’t that the definition of empathy? That they do care how you feel and do want to make you feel better? I feel confused now.”

    No that is not the definition of any level of empathy.

  168.  #168Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:26 am

    Calypso he might be feeling your vibe in the ether.
    He likely already knows that you really don’t want to go.

  169.  #169Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:26 am

    162 FW…truth is, I was secretly quite flattered that he got into such a tizz over a silly text…..but then it did ruin the plans, so the flattering wore off quickly.
    Oh yeah, he is jealous, good because I am the prize 🙂

  170.  #170Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:27 am

    RE 159 🙂

  171.  #171Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Aha, yes, easier said than done:

    ‘I actually believe it was a good thing. I would drop everything if he does show up. Drop all my defenses, my thinking, my preparing for what is coming and just try to be in the moment and just listen to him.’

    great sentence

  172.  #172Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:30 am

    He calls himself: irrational, out of control, compulsive, impulsive and full of anger – Can you see how this can be self-fulfilling prophecy? Can you see how this can teach people how to treat you? Can you see what this can attract to someone’s life. This is a major lesson/message here.

  173.  #173Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:33 am

    169 FW, yes for sure. I also believe, however, that he does know himself. And that is actually a good thing, it’s awareness.

  174.  #174Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:36 am

    I feel better now, clearer, got my thoughts out of my system, thank you all for your comments, I really appreciate them…much clarity can be had in looking at myself and how I overanalyse and so on.
    I was feeling rel;axed when I woke up…and then the thoughts …now I am back to where I was.
    Thank you all 🙂

  175.  #175Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:40 am

    I see is as a an internal program that he is running. I also wonder about the teachings that our own internal programs get reflected back to us in the outer world, in our relationships. I always reflect on Dominique’s words about bringing this back to oneself. So if I were you I would ask myself where am I judging myself as thus and what is this bringing up for me to heal?

    These might be his issues yes. But why have you been there? For what 2 years? Seems like a lot of deep processing and asking of tough questions to your inner guidance/your higher self could help to uncover some things in your unconscious. Just my thoughts……

  176.  #176Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:43 am

    FW, right. Dead on. I was there for 2 years and I wasn’t. I always kept dating others…and even had a relationship…sooooo. At the beginning of this year, as I opened up he did too and I saw a reason to hang in and see what happens…whilst still dating others.
    So you know, it’s an experiment as well as someone that means a lot to me and one of my best friends down here…I did not feel like cutting it off, almost, but never quite got there. Figure there is a reason, and he is always back.

  177.  #177Tam on November 27, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Also, I believe that I have my very own issues and although we do clash, it is mostly because we are very similar and we do kind of understand the other person in those lucid moments when the ego and defenses are down. That has kept me there.

  178.  #178MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 7:50 am

    I feel grumpy this morning. I felt irritated to be woken up at 3 to turn off the TV considering the remote was on his side of the bed. I felt annoyed hearing “You were so angry to be woken up…” and I spoke “Feeling tired of you telling me how I feel.” “Oh? then how did you feel?” “mildly irritated” then he laughed at me! Grrrr

    I’m feeling over hearing “I can read you like a book.”

    Oh, then just read me and save me this effort of speaking. Thank you.

  179.  #179Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 7:54 am

    Men want to be enraptured by a woman. They may not admit it openly, but they want to be lured, finessed and enchanted by a woman — and they don’t mind surrendering to her siren maneuverings and be rendered powerless by her. A man would gladly give anything to the woman who can make him feel good.

    Bob Grant

  180.  #180MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Sigh. He WAS super sweet last night. Made me up a little song about me and sang it to me. And I felt so smiley and giggly, then he gave me a new form of my nickname. Saying something like “oh, there’s that glow smiley! I’m gonna call you glowstix. All I gotta do is shake you up a bit and you’re glowing!”. Yeah…Friggin cute. So irritating!

  181.  #181Starla on November 27, 2012 at 8:02 am

    Sassy, yay, thanks for looking into those earrings for me!!!

  182.  #182Annie on November 27, 2012 at 8:05 am

    Tam this may help.

    In the words of a sociopath.” im a sociopath. i will un-empathetically destroy your life if it helps me achieve my sole goal of helping make my friends and family happier. i as a sociopath am not pure evil either. ive done ‘mean things’ to some of my loved ones and genuinely and empathetically cried my heart out. ive also done the same things to people like you and not even felt a thing.

  183.  #183Starla on November 27, 2012 at 8:06 am

    I meditated/visualized again:)

  184.  #184Mercedes on November 27, 2012 at 8:09 am

    Starla: I’m back on track with that too (after slacking over the weekend). YAY!

    How was it? Are you feeling good about it? Is it getting easier or staying the same or was always easy for you? I’m sooooo curious about other people’s experiences with it. Only the experiences you feel comfortable sharing though because I think (at least this is true for me), meditation can be a very personal thing.

    Much Love,

  185.  #185MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 8:13 am

    Trying to sink really deep into my irritation…But it’s just irritating. Fcug.

    Hormones. PMS. Yep, I bet. I don’t really desire to spend another week like this. But here I am, irritated by everything…Even good things. I love my irritation?


  186.  #186MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 8:15 am

    I want to riff but it feels forced.

  187.  #187MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 8:16 am

    Maybe i’ll go back to bed for a bit.

  188.  #188Mercedes on November 27, 2012 at 8:19 am

    MissStix: If it makes you feel better (or if it at least makes you feel understood), I would be irritated if a man woke me up to shut off the television too. Especially if the remote was closer to him but probably even if the remote was closer to me. I hate it when someone wakes me up to do something for them (comes from a childhood filled with that I think but my first thought is “WTH?!?!” and my second is “My G0D you are lazy!” – Judging, I know…but honest with how I see it…).

    Yes…I would be irritated…but more than just mildly and it wouldn’t have anything to do with PMS. 🙂

    Much Love,

  189.  #189BAB/Rebekah on November 27, 2012 at 8:27 am


  190.  #190Daria on November 27, 2012 at 8:37 am

    I feel… Pouty for my sniffles … I’m back in California

  191.  #191Shar lean way back on November 27, 2012 at 8:45 am

    FW .. I get everything you area saying. My Sweetie is OCD and has some anger issues regarding his mother. But that is for him to work out. I just inspire. I see him work it out. I’m sometimes not aware until after the fact, in reflection. He calls me his calm. I’m glad he is ready to jump out of the plane, but I’m there to say wait what about the parachute? What do you think?
    FW I so appreciate the way you are able to “see.”

  192.  #192Mercedes on November 27, 2012 at 8:47 am

    Rebekah: This will probably help…

    Or a lot of other articles in the “Power and Self Esteem” section.

    Or, as Rori states in one of her articles, read through Daria’s comments…she’s really, really good at it.

    Mostly just check out the Power and Self Esteem section…it has a lot of articles and comments that include riffing.

    Hope that helps…

    Much Love,

    PS: Daria…I’m glad you had a safe trip.

  193.  #193Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 8:47 am

    176 – FW – I LOVE that . . . It made me feel smiley and hopeful. There is only one man I want to enchant, but I will wait to try again – I will wait until I resolve the situation with JC and do something positive toward fixing my financial mess.

    TAM – the thing you said about there could be somethign that has come up in my life – that is actually totally true. I am so worried about my finances right now the the possibility of having issues at my house (Power turned off or water turned off or somethign happening with my sons that I can’t fix from afar) that i have NO business going out fo town for 4 days, even though JC would be paying for everything, i am broke and worried sick about my financial situation and I can’t even think of relaxing 7 hours from home for 4 days.

    JC knows I have big issues and he even offered to help me and after struggling with it, i told him I fel embarrased to have to accept his offer of help, but that I very much did appeciate it and if he was sure he wanted to help me, i would accept and pay him back as quickly as possible. he told me not to feel embarrassed, but then never brought it up again – that was a month ago – meanwhile, everything is worse for me. If I have to fix this on my own, which i do, then I just want to be on my own. But I can’t say any of that to JC without making it seem like I am blaming him.

  194.  #194Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 8:54 am

    Here are some questions that you, as a loving Adult, can ask your Inner Child. Be sure to listen carefully to the answers.
    • Are you feeling loved by me?
    • Do you feel you can trust me to be there for you and not be self-indulgent when the urge to act out addictively comes up?
    • Do you feel you can trust me to not harm others with my anger?
    • Do you feel you can trust me to set good limits with others? Or are you still afraid I will give in to them or allow them to violate you and take advantage of you?
    • Are you feeling safe inside, or are you still feeling alone and afraid?
    • Am I defining your worth and lovability or am I still allowing others to define you?
    • Do you feel a deep sense of worth that cannot be shaken by others’ disapproval, or are you still afraid of rejection?

    When you evaluate your actions, you cannot just look at how you feel in the moment. Acting out addictively, such as overeating or taking out your anger on someone, generally feels good in the moment – that’s how it got to be an addiction.

    Often, when you take a loving action, such as cutting out sugar or chocolate or caffeine, stopping drinking, taking drugs, or smoking, not acting out sexually, no longer taking responsibility for another’s feelings, or no longer dumping your anger on others, you feel awful in the moment. Your wounded self feels frightened at having a crutch taken away, or feels deprived of something that gives him or her momentary pleasure, or feels terrified of rejection and aloneness. Your addictions worked to make you feel better for the moment, so when you stop them, you will likely go through a period of feeling much worse. You may go through both physical and emotional withdrawal. Often, what works for you in the short term undermines you in the long term, while what works in the long term may not feel good in the short term.


  195.  #195Starla on November 27, 2012 at 9:02 am

    My meditation sessions always last exactly 14 minutes. I don’t time them that way; just coincidence.

    Here’s what I do… I sit at my altar on a cushion on the ground (it’s a leather bench with a plant, some incense, and a candle on it) with the candle lit. I close my eyes and take a series of deep breaths, followed by a series of OMs. The OMs feel awesome, and if anyone needs tips for saying/feeling OM more effectively, please feel free to ask.

    Then I go into a mindfulness meditation. There are different names for this meditation, but what you do is basically focus on one particular thing outside your thoughts, like the out-breath or a candle flame, and let all thoughts drift by in the sky like clouds/sink to the bottom of a pond like sediment, and just maintain that space of clear mind. It feels amazing. Even if you catch 10 seconds of it, the clear-mind feeling is worth the effort.

    Then I visualize. The visualizations are kind of all over the place. I am just focusing on feeling happy and not shaken by romantic/relationship events. I’m imagining myself in triggering encounters and just feeling baseline peachy and undisturbed with faith and trust in the universe and myself and others. It’s a big abstract feeling I conjure up; it’s one that’s right for me.

    Then I finish my practice with more OMs or sometimes I will do more mindfullness meditation before finishing up with the OMs.

    I like to do the practice the first thing when I get home from work, around 6:15 or so. It energizes me and makes me feel full of peace for the rest of the evening. I found myself feeling REALLY good last night after I did this practice. Smiling, laughing, dancing, and noticing that time was slowing down to allow me to take care of myself.

  196.  #196Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 9:03 am

    I learned one of the great secrets in life is recognizing when you need help and graciously accepting it

    Bob Proctor

  197.  #197Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 9:05 am

    WOW – Astonded at my answers below. At first I answered the first quetion with a YES, but after answering most of the rest of them with a NO, I had to go back and change it . . . WOW.

    Are you feeling loved by me? NO
    • Do you feel you can trust me to be there for you and not be self-indulgent when the urge to act out addictively comes up? NO
    • Do you feel you can trust me to not harm others with my anger? YES
    • Do you feel you can trust me to set good limits with others? Or are you still afraid I will give in to them or allow them to violate you and take advantage of you? NO
    • Are you feeling safe inside, or are you still feeling alone and afraid? NO
    • Am I defining your worth and lovability or am I still allowing others to define you? NO
    • Do you feel a deep sense of worth that cannot be shaken by others’ disapproval, or are you still afraid of rejection? NO

  198.  #198coco kisses on November 27, 2012 at 9:05 am

    Happy Belated Thanksgiving…..Hope you all had a great time with friends and family. I took a few days off to be with my family and get some R&R. So happy I did. I feel good in spirit, although I am fighting off the last of this cold….anyways I am so excited for this upcoming weekend…my friend and I are strting our end of the year blitz to lose 15 lbs by the end of the year, and on Dec 31st we willk be spending time with our daughter’s making vision boards, exchanging gifts, and having prayer time. I am feeling better about myeslf, and have been self relecting about my own issues. I have been feeling a little disappointed that my soon to be ex-husband has not filled out and returned his portion of our divorce papers. I feel bad, because I think he’s trying a last ditch effort to control aan outcome, since he knows I’m ready to get divorced and move on (even though he won’t step up for the marriage). Extreme emotional unavailability….anyways hope you alls life and love life is looking up 🙂 – Coco

  199.  #199coco kisses on November 27, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Biggest lesson I have learned about myself since my husband left me…..Give to YOURSELF what you want someone eles to GIVE YOU……..I am learning to implement this into each area of my life

  200.  #200Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 9:12 am

    Yayy coco

  201.  #201BAB/Rebekah on November 27, 2012 at 9:25 am

    Aww thanks Mercedes! 🙂

  202.  #202Starla on November 27, 2012 at 9:29 am

    The number one thing that comes up and stands between me and full meditation is my enthusiasm and excitement to have the meditation practice in my life, haha. i get so excited that i’m doing it, that it’s actually a distraction in itself.

    This also happens when I do yoga.

    hehe i am silly. practice practice practice and it will stop being an issue:)

  203.  #203Starla on November 27, 2012 at 9:40 am

    last night i could feel this energy coming from my phone. It was CF’s energy. Like I could sense that he was hovering over it, contemplating contacting me. I could feel it in my whole body.

    Or maybe I’m delusional. It’s a possibility. I love and trust my intuition though.

    I felt this wave of excitement and encouragement and giggliness come over me. “DO IT,” I smiled and yelled at my phone. haha i’m so silly. then i sent lots of love across the universe to him and said, “maybe tomorrow” energetically with a big smile

    I’m sure it all sounds nuts but it feels great to be 100% open here.

  204.  #204sunshine on November 27, 2012 at 9:45 am

    Thinking about telling my boyfriend that I don’t want to be exclusive or the title anymore. that I want to continue to look for what i want and if he wants to continue to see me, he can but he can choose if he wants to or not….Sirens I feel scared about this. I haven’t told him but Im in love with him. He hasn’t told me and I suspect he might not I honestly don’t know. I feel really scared and am crying as we speak. I feel scared that he will leave if I tell him this but I just feel so stuck in this relationship. He constantly talks about other friends that are girls even though he knows that it makes me feel bad/jealous. When we are together eating or whatever, he likes to get on the cell phone and text all the time and laugh to himself…usually its his cousins but I feel so left out. He just has this all around bored vibe about him and I feel un-sexy. He also talks about how he misses his son who lives in Latin america, and how another year has passed and he’s not with him. All these things make me feel scared, like he can disappear in a blink of an eye. I told him yesterday by the phone crying that I feel insecure in this relationship and I told him all the reasons. I even told him its so unpleasant the things he does I wonder if its on purpose to stir me up, however I don’t understand why. He replied that he doesn’t like it when I try to “think” what he’s thinking/doing out of turn and that that’s all in my head and he means no harm. I don’t believe him. I told him just friday I don’t like it when hes constantly texting and he put his phone away. Last night he did it again and laughing at whatever jokes he and his cousins were texting about. Please any support/advice would help, I feel sad and angry and really confused as to what to do.

  205.  #205Starla on November 27, 2012 at 9:48 am

    Ooh and also, last night when i was falling asleep, instead of letting my mind think of him, i imagined wrapping myself in a cuddle blanket of pure love and light, and it felt just delicious.

  206.  #206sunshine on November 27, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Part of me wants to circular date but it feels weird. How many men can a woman date at the same time without it being ackward with the guys? i mean wont they find out? What if one of the guys wants to see you on saturday but you already have a date? would that mean you would say you’re booked that day…but after a while of getting to know each other, intimacy, etc. won’t you just have to say oh im going on a date? won’t he be offended and also turned off, I just wonder if a guy will think im playing games I feel confused. Part of me really likes this idea but the other part feels doubtful and like i lack integrity if i circular date.

  207.  #207Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Coco kisses 195-

    Wow!!! That is awesome and gave me a virtual slap on the back of my head with “duh”, that’s what I need to be doing!!
    Thank you!

  208.  #208Indigo on November 27, 2012 at 9:56 am


    I feel for you that you are going through a similar thing. I’m glad we can be here for each other.

  209.  #209Indigo on November 27, 2012 at 9:58 am

    Thank you Heart 🙂

    I wish I could feel that it was admirable, at the moment I feel that it is what is keeping me sane with my head above water, just like Rori says 🙂

  210.  #210Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 9:59 am


    While my mind just can’t seem to “still” enough around meditation, I do visualize constantly. I feel happy for you.
    Love love love what you’re doing, feeling and listening to your intuition as far as CF is concerned.
    Yup, I believe this is a safe place to let it out.

  211.  #211Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Thank you FW your hug felt like a warm embrace.

  212.  #212Starla on November 27, 2012 at 10:06 am

    yay coco kisses

  213.  #213Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:09 am

    Tam, I like what FW commented saying a while ago to me… How about rather than labelling something just enjoy building the moments as they happen, without any pressure?

    But then I feel like I don’t want to do loop the loop any more. But then I reassure my self that I’m constantly ‘aware’ so therefore not ‘just repeating patterns’ …
    What do you think?

  214.  #214Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:11 am

    He ended his text to me last night with an emotion blowing a kiss. I’m enjoying his energy coming towards me.
    I love my constant growing and awareness. I’m soft on the outside but strong on the inside.

  215.  #215Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:13 am

    Mmmm I’m off out for hot chocolate and marshmallows with friends 

  216.  #216Tam on November 27, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Smile, good point, but I tried to ‘build moments’ for 2 years, in a way, and we did..I feel anxious that nothing will ever change and I need the change…

  217.  #217Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Tam, what does a committed relationship with mrp look like for you? What would your wants and desires be? I just feel curious if you would be open to sharing 

  218.  #218Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Tam, yes feeling nothing will ever change. That’s what loop the loop feels like to me.

  219.  #219Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:23 am

    How do we change patterns? How does the repeat button get changed?

  220.  #220Smile on November 27, 2012 at 10:24 am

    215- just things I’m mulling over in my head.

  221.  #221Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 10:28 am

    I have taken some actions this morning to ease my financial stress a little as it relates to this coming weekend. Just doing that has helped me to stop stressing so much about going or not going to the mountains.

    Going with JC out of town for 4 days is all tangled up in two completely different triggers for me – doubts about the relationshiop and fear of losing control of my household and my financial issues while i am out of town. I need to seperate the two issues.

    meanwhile I am waiting for JC to contact me. I feel better knowing that ultimately, he can’t make me go if i decide not to – regardless of how long i wait to decide. Who knows – when he contacts me, if he is sweet to me and excited about the trip, I might relax and want to go. Breathing some fresh mountain air and taking a couple of days to get away from it all might serve me well. If i don’t feel that way, i don’t have to go.

    I can relax. It’s hard for me and it won’t last, but i can try!

  222.  #222Starla on November 27, 2012 at 10:31 am

    Also re: meditation, this sunday I am going to a meditation class at my acupuncture clinic and then a few hours later is a mala (prayer beads) and meditation class. How marvelous that the universe served up these two classes on the same say at the right time!

  223.  #223Tam on November 27, 2012 at 10:37 am

    I don’t know how we change patterns, but the fat that he has turned around in 10 days rather than the usual 3 months when upset, seems to indicate that something has changed…not sure.

    A committed relationship with him would probably have you all look at it in horror because it wouldn’t be conventional…but then I am not conventional either…let me just dream a bit here because this may of course never happen at all, but if it did I doubt we would live together, as he has built his life around some pretty strange and obsessive routines, nothing major but very regimented down to even food (not going into that here..part of his stuff), but we would probably be spending weekends together…or longer periods…and just do the things we both enjoy, like boating and being outdoors, watching movies and going to sports things…sitting and chatting with a glass of wine and the interesting house guests….that kind of thing. Just normal stuff.
    Although, in actual fact, he would be in some ways rather pleasant to live with because he is very considerate and also very tolerant, meaning at his house I feel like at home and just do what I want…ha!! And I mostly never feel like that at all in other people’s houses…even in my bf’s house I never felt good and mostly wanted to get out.

    But he wants to move to France anyways….so this is just how I would envisage it…if it was on the cards.
    But, the other thing is…I don’t think he ever had a conventional relationship in the last… a guess 28 years (I know…hehe)…more the fling (up to a few months) and long distance type stuff (up to 2 years)….and not live-together possibly ever (not sure but pretty sure)…so no wonder there is all this dilly-dallying going on…I believe the longest (5 year) relationship was when he was in University…..not entirely sure but it would be congruent.
    So hm. It would look pretty relaxing to me because he is not at all demanding and actually very easy going most of the time, and calm when in a good phase…and I like that. I feel very safe and secure and just calm also when we are together, I think the biggest feel-good thing that comes up is ‘safety’ here..and ‘comfortable’…it’s definitely not crazy in love or chemistry or anything like that.
    Interesting. Hm. This is built on friendship and not so much butterflies…hence it doesn’t seem to go away..ermm. Hrmpf.

  224.  #224MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 10:39 am

    Are you feeling loved by me? -Yes
    • Do you feel you can trust me to be there for you and not be self-indulgent when the urge to act out addictively comes up? – Yes
    • Do you feel you can trust me to not harm others with my anger? Yes
    • Do you feel you can trust me to set good limits with others? Or are you still afraid I will give in to them or allow them to violate you and take advantage of you? Not yet- No
    • Are you feeling safe inside, or are you still feeling alone and afraid? -Yes safe
    • Am I defining your worth and lovability or am I still allowing others to define you? I am, Yes.
    • Do you feel a deep sense of worth that cannot be shaken by others’ disapproval, or are you still afraid of rejection? Not afraid, Yes

    I still feel a battle going on inside to please others with my actions, but the progress is immense, and I feel close to feeling solid in my boundaries and don’t wants.

  225.  #225Tam on November 27, 2012 at 10:40 am

    I have faith that if this isn’t meant to be there will be something much better around the corner… 🙂

  226.  #226MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 10:43 am


    Thank you for your words! My nap was peaceful and I felt good before I read them 🙂

    Forgiveness to G as I am almost always owning the remote at bedtime, and it’s rare for me to fall asleep before I turn off the TV.

    But yeah…It was irritating!

  227.  #227Starla on November 27, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Are you feeling loved by me?

    • Do you feel you can trust me to be there for you and not be self-indulgent when the urge to act out addictively comes up?
    -Most of the time

    • Do you feel you can trust me to not harm others with my anger?

    • Do you feel you can trust me to set good limits with others? Or are you still afraid I will give in to them or allow them to violate you and take advantage of you?
    -Not totally=/

    • Are you feeling safe inside, or are you still feeling alone and afraid?
    -Depends on the day

    • Am I defining your worth and lovability or am I still allowing others to define you?
    -A little of both but I’m working on finding balance.

    • Do you feel a deep sense of worth that cannot be shaken by others’ disapproval, or are you still afraid of rejection?
    -Yes but still a little afraid, but I think that’s normal

  228.  #228Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

    I feel anxious that nothing will ever change and I need the change… – This statement kinda suggest to me that you feel entitled to a relationshp.

    “In fact, most of us have something that’s known as an ‘entitlement complex’… that is, we feel (on some level) that we’re OWED commitment from a great guy.

    This damaging complex is what creates that feeling of ‘hurry, hurry, not much time left!’ that so many of us experience on a daily basis when it comes to men, dating, and love. Not to put too fine a point on it, but this is why dating becomes such an issue for so many women.

    It’s no longer viewed as something FUN… i.e. meeting some new people, flirting up a storm, and
    just kicking back and seeing what turns up.

    It becomes more of a RACE AGAINST TIME… where
    phrases like, ‘My clock is ticking’, ‘I don’t have time for games’, and ‘I need to know what his intentions are RIGHT NOW’ start coming into play.

    No no no!

    This is DISASTROUS to your desirability and overall attractiveness… not to mention, your ability to simply RELAX and ENJOY yourself.

    Here’s an idea for you: when it comes to ‘finding love’, and attracting a TOP QUALITY relationship into your life, ‘chilling out’ and just relaxing are MANDATORY.

    This is not something you have a choice in. If you want to ‘get to where you want to get to’, know this: you WILL NOT get there unless you relaaaaaaaax.

    And that means, not stressing because he ‘hasn’t shown up yet’ in your life.

    It ALSO means, not getting fidgety and angst-y
    because you don’t know ‘where this is going’. ”

    Mirabelle Summers

  229.  #229Starla on November 27, 2012 at 10:47 am

    i feel happy that mercedes inspired me to take up a meditation practice. 🙂

  230.  #230Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Tam – That sounds like a lovely relationship to me 🙂 Not exactly the same as what I could see myself and GM having, but similar – unconventional, but safe and loving and satisfying.

  231.  #231Goodheart on November 27, 2012 at 10:54 am

    Just 2 months ago I was struggling to find the blessings in my life. I lost my lovely mom & the job I’d had for 9 years within a week’s time.

    I felt lost. Everything was topsy turvy. But I knew the only thing that would make it right again was to look at everything I still had – My amazing bf, my dream home, really good friends & family, my health. And somehow I still had my sense of humor.

    Two months later I have a new job (that is spookily like my old one – even in the same neighborhood).

    I miss my mom so much, but I know she wants me to be happy so I let myself have my moments & then I let myself be happy again.

    When I was in the midst of the turmoil and feeling sad and scared, I had (well-meaning) friends telling me, “you know life is a struggle. It’s hard. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.” And everything in me screamed, no no no! That’s not true! Life is supposed to be fun. I’m supposed to be happy.

    Even though I knew this deep inside I somehow wanted confirmation so I “asked” my mom to please give me a sign somehow that I was on the right path. That it’s true that life is about being happy.

    The next day I was on my way to a job interview and had to stop at the light. I looked up and saw the license plate of the car in front of me. It said, “JSTBHPPY” 🙂

    Good enough for me. Thanks mom.

  232.  #232Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 10:58 am

    When people are friends, they tend not be as invested in the relationship as when they are partners. As a result of not being as invested, their fears are not as activated. But now that you are with the man of your dreams, your fears are triggered and you are putting a lid on yourself

  233.  #233MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 10:58 am

    I dreamed of eating chinese food, chow mein to be exact, at a restaurant with Muppets running around. Gonzo was there.

    And then…I was in a video game. On a quest, and walking through a snowy field collecting power crystals. I was in the form of me, but I felt otherworldly. Or maybe…This worldly, but magic. Like a Sidhe or something. Oh, yeah. That feels bang on. Then, out of the misty grey came a big, black horse. I rode like the wind through the sparkling pristine snow, defacing it as I went and I could hear my muffled but loud heavy breath and see it clouding the air before it whipped by my face. I knew I was dreaming and thought “I am breathing like that for real, laying in bed.” I had an image in my dream head of the real me in bed, sleeping. It felt really amazing. I felt so free and powerful and one with the beast. I rode as if the horse completed my being, and I felt as if I could touch every inch of that pristine field with magic. Then…We hit a trap, and he became slightly wounded. This is when I woke up. I woke up before he could heal and now i’m crying. I felt so one with him that he has to be just ever so slightly wounded as me, and we will heal together.

    I have never liked the horse tool.

    But his majesty came to me in a dream. I can not turn him away. So sirens…I have a horse.

    I have not named him yet. 🙂

  234.  #234MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 11:02 am

    I can still see the depth in his eye, and feel the smoothe, and cold of his body. See the velvet, shining texture. So black, and deep and glossy.

  235.  #235Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 11:02 am


  236.  #236Dominique on November 27, 2012 at 11:23 am

    Tam – 163 – 🙂


  237.  #237ruth on November 27, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Just a brief pop in
    will catch up when bl**dy novel done

    I dont like horses and they scare me

    Lots going on here

    want to catch up
    feel out of the loop
    I did FM again last night.I was authentic.Really authetic but now he isnt speaking to me

  238.  #238MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 11:29 am


    I have a little tear stuck in the corner of my eye. ((((moms))))

  239.  #239ruth on November 27, 2012 at 11:29 am

    Goodheart that feels so nice to read, even if it is sad too

  240.  #240Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 11:30 am

    RE 199 – You may be psychic Starla

  241.  #241ruth on November 27, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I also do not believe you have to live with a guy to have a good relationship
    its nice if you can, but feeling that you *have* to is to me a limiting belief
    (Bl**dy society)

  242.  #242Dominique on November 27, 2012 at 11:37 am

    Goodheart – 227 – <3 <3 <3


  243.  #243Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I feel annoyed. There’s this guy on fb from when I was a little kid, who has been in love with me since I was a little kid, who lives a thousand miles away, who keeps leaving weird junk all over my fb page. He sends me messages with long, weird techno music sound clips. He tags me in weird art pictures. He hardly ever says anything directly to me, but it makes me feel weirded out. I don’t feel connected to the music and images he associates with me. He’s a really nice guy, but I haven’t seen him in years and it feels a little overwhelming and creepy.

    How can I handle this?

    Ideas would be greatly appreciated…:)

  244.  #244Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 11:38 am

    @227 Goodheart – I feel warm and sparkly reading that. Thank you. ((((Goodheart))))

  245.  #245LoveAlways on November 27, 2012 at 11:42 am

    This was a very cool post Rori! I was just practicing something similar this morning!!! Instead of complaining, I thought of the best aspects of my circumstances and I smiled. Thanks for sharing!

  246.  #246Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Just because an apology doesn’t look the way you think it ought to or as you want it to doesn’t mean it isn’t there or is any less meaningful or is any less important or is any less valid in whatever way it comes out.

    If you look, notice, pay attention, the apology you were seeking may have been there all along. For example maybe he gave you a hug or a kiss on the forehead or he reached for your hand or pulled you close, or maybe he brought you a cup of tea or a glass of wine or a snack or a flower from the garden or a home cooked meal or took you for a dinner out.

    Love it 🙂

  247.  #247Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 11:48 am

    I have this cycle of forgetting all about men, building myself up, feeling great, loving life, loving men and placing little emphasis on them, and then…

    …SOMEONE shows up and flirts with me and follows me around, and gets under my skin, and I usually fight it so hard just because I want to see “how far they will go,” (ie: will they actually ask me out, tell me they like me, move the relationship forward), and so often I think that he is going to do just that, and it feels sooooooooooooo scary, and so I keep *trying* to be open and use the tools, but I always end up feeling scared, angry, and frustrated; and then HE gives up or I give up, because YEARS have passed. Then, I feel alone and sad again.

    and then I repeat the cycle of building myself up, feeling great, loving life, placing little emphasis on men, until SOMEONE ELSE shows up.

    How can I stop this cycle?

    feeling frustrated and embarassed and childish…

  248.  #248Goodheart on November 27, 2012 at 11:48 am

    I feel so warm receiving all the hugs. Thank you all.

    When I was going through everything it helped me to come here & read once in awhile even though I didn’t feel like commenting at the time. This is an inspiring place to land sometimes 🙂

  249.  #249Tam on November 27, 2012 at 11:50 am

    FW, no, no and no. I do not feel entitled to commitment. I feel entitled to choose what is good for me and not stay stuck in a pattern – that isthe change I want. Nothing else.

    And a relationship without friendship for me is impossible. I had them and they have an expiration date which was when the butterflies stopped. My best and most loving relationship was also my best friend…of course there has to be attraction, and that is definitely there on both sides. I just like the feeling of being loved for who I am (inside) and not just what I represent (outside). Frankly, I feel sorry and sad for people who believe romance is pissible without a solid friendship, as in my personal experience that is shallow Hollywood movie lala land stuff – and doesn’t lead to happiness….and I dare say in my private life, the happiest couples are those who are best friends…romance and friendship are not mutually exclusive in my view.

  250.  #250Tam on November 27, 2012 at 11:52 am

    Possible and perhaps it seems pissible to me..ha! Freudian slip

  251.  #251Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Lama – obviously you could unfriend him, but if you don’t want to do that, you can set your FB account to not let anyone post on your page without your approval or tag you in anything without you having a chance to review.

  252.  #252Indigo on November 27, 2012 at 11:55 am


    What level of committment do you and your boyfriend have?

    I felt the same way as you do about Circular Dating at first, but I realised that I could CD with complete integrity. In fact, I feel that circular dating brings even more integrity to the dating process, because it prevents a situation where exclusivity is given where both people are not entirely happy with what is being offered. For us women, that usually plays out in a situation like you’ve described, fully invested hearts and commitment and loyalty in a man who is actually not stepping up. He knows it’s unfair. Circular dating is the fair and sane thing to do.

    I believe it is possible to love someone (as I do) and yet not fully commit yourself, or commit yourself at all, because they are not committing sufficiently in return. Personally, I feel that for both men and women, our love for someone and our committment to them can be two completely separate things, and that it is perfectly ok not to commit to someone you may love because all the elements necessary for committment are not there.

    I believe that guys understand this, and that when it’s time for them to step up, they know what to do.

  253.  #253Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 11:56 am

    Reading Dominique’s words it seemed Mr. P apologized in “stroking your hair”.

  254.  #254Tam on November 27, 2012 at 11:58 am

    I do have a certain amount of fear simply because I know what we have aside from the difficulties is pretty hard to come by…that is also a limiting belief, but in my case last time is about 12 years ago that I felt so comfy and at home with someone…well there is nothing to say it couldn’t happen again next month…and after all, it took us a good year to get there, so it wasn’t instant either….so no fear really. Anything is possible.
    Guess I feel that we have come through so many crappy times it would feel so great to have a consistently good time for a change…feels like we both deserve that. Just feels elusive.

  255.  #255Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:00 pm

    Yes, I know he apologised in his way. He also ‘apologised’ by text after saying I must not be sad, it was just a display of the difference between women and men’

  256.  #256Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    We had a massively huge bust up last year…and after several weeks of not speaking out of the blue he apologised by making me have the best day/ outing ever….so I appreciate it.

  257.  #257Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    He can row. As long as he is in a good phase, I don’t get scared, I don’t get impatient or interfere or try to control the navigation. Sigh.

  258.  #258ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    It feels really nice to read that the blog helped even tho you could not comment good heart

    It makes me mindfu of what i post on here, what i say in other places

    I can and do make a difference

    Might not alwyas be told that
    but today the man who came to our unit to tell us one of our longest standing patients had died

    he arrived just as I was dealing wit another sick patient, making phone calls and stuff.
    he just turned up and grabbed me and cried

    it was hard to dea with, but I am glad he felt he could come to us
    Now I am home, i can cry a bit too

  259.  #259ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Yack now I am spewing work stuff

  260.  #260ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Sorry, but I am LOVING “pissible”

  261.  #261Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:15 pm


  262.  #262Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    I know…I laughed out loud when I saw it. Should be a new word. Well, that’s just pissible, isn’t it?!

  263.  #263Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    I feel anxious. I feel angry that I feel like I have “no control” over what happens in my “imaginary” relationships.

    Nope, the man has to initiate, row the boat, and god forbid you feel scared or shut down or don’t respond exactly the way you’re supposed to! leanbackleanbackleanback?

    Closing off? If you close off does that just end it? How can you remedy it? I’ve ended everything by closing off.

    ick I feel so annoyed…

  264.  #264Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    @247 Calypso – thanks! It’s a great idea to “set your FB account to not let anyone post on your page without your approval or tag you in anything without you having a chance to review.”

  265.  #265Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm

    Lama, I wish I knew an answer to that, feels like I was/am in the same place…

  266.  #266FlowerChild77 on November 27, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    ((((goodheart)))) <3

  267.  #267Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 12:23 pm

    It has now been exactly 4 days since my last text from JC and now every time I hear the sound of a text coming through I feel dread thinking it is him and then when it isn’t, I feel a flash of annoyance . . . LOL @ myself. He can’t win – that’s been clear for some time. sigh . . .

  268.  #268ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    I hear you llama
    How do you stop leaning back being closing off

  269.  #269Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    Lama – that’s how I manage my own FB account. People learn real quick not to try to tag you in pictures or post things when they see that you have to approve it and then you don’t . . . you don’t even have to say anything – just don’t approve it.

  270.  #270ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    It has parallels with risible, tam

    Monty bloody python

    Feeling smily and silly now thanks, I need that tonight

  271.  #271Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    I got 2 letters from my son in boot camp and one of them was written on Thanksgiving and he said he is thanksful for me . . . Awwww . . . I can’t wait to hug that boy – just 17 days till his graduation and I get to bring home a Marine for Christmas!!! My sons are my 3 blessings!!!

  272.  #272Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    Ruth, risible made me smile now too… Hehe

  273.  #273ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Calypso that feel sooooooo nice to read

  274.  #274ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Welease woderick

    Oh hell, i have to stop

    run time

  275.  #275FlowerChild77 on November 27, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    (((Ruth))) Don’t feel bad over sharing your feelings about ‘work stuff’—-you have a job where it’s difficult, if not impossible, to not have emotion around your patients’ lives. Of course you feel sad when one of them dies, as you are there to help and heal (when possible.) I imagine your patients’ families are grateful to have you caring for their loved ones.

  276.  #276Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Ummmm….I am going to a Xmas market and fair in 80F weather tonight…that’s going to feel pretty weird also…

  277.  #277Tam on November 27, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Wodewick? Oh Ruth, Monty Python is just too hilarious..Don’t stop, it’s making me laugh!!!

  278.  #278FlowerChild77 on November 27, 2012 at 12:38 pm

    iamabutterfly…somewhere back in another thread you mentioned that you were getting ‘Heart Connection Toolkit.’ I have it and I love it because it’s not necessarily about you and a man…it’s all about US and connecting with ourselves.

    I take it out and listen to it whenever I feel a little lost or when I’m having trouble refocusing. I put it on and listen while I’m doing housework or cooking. It really helps change my vibe 🙂

  279.  #279Goodheart on November 27, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    Ruth, it was really hard seeing all the patients when I was visiting my mom. Just walking past their rooms (it was a hospice) felt so heavy and sad to me.

    Can I ask where it is you work? Is it a regular hospital or hospice type place?

    You do make a difference. I’m sure in lots of ways, but definitely to the patients who are blessed by your caring.

  280.  #280Starla on November 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    My guy friend invited me out to lunch, told me I am an amazing woman, and then paid for it all.

    awwwww. i feel loved.

    we are just friends though. we traveled through europe together a bit and slept in the same room and nothing ever ever ever ever even came close to happening.

    lately i have been feeling open to him romantically, though.

    i wonder if he’s feeling the same?

  281.  #281ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Flower child, thank you for your post
    I do not have an issue publically expresssing grief for a patients passing

    Lots of mine die
    Ifeel some more than others but they are all special
    just dont want to bring the tone down, in a way
    But then again, death part of life but sometimes it is so effing wrong

  282.  #282Iamabutterfly on November 27, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Thank you, Tam, Ruth, Calypso, and FlowerChild77!

    I love getting lots of responses to what I’m writing about. It makes me feel warm, heard, and valued, so thank you again. 🙂

  283.  #283ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    I am off to run now,
    But just for tam

  284.  #284ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:47 pm

    Goodheart, right now i work in a dialysis unit
    Most are dying , really
    but we do not have hospice style support

    the nures drop by my office on the unit to vent about the patients
    I do a lot of listening
    sometimes medical stuff

  285.  #285ruth on November 27, 2012 at 12:48 pm


  286.  #286Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Just heard another text come through . . . cringed and looked at it with one eye – it was NOT JC . . . It was GM!!! First contact since we chatted on T-Giving. he just sent me a picture of the coach of my favorite college football team (who was just fired today) with a Walmart shirt on and a caption, “Welcome to Walmart” . . . LOL

    I replied, “He is probably still in over hsi head – lol”

    I don’t know if he will say anything else or not – if he doesn’t, i won’t either, but it makes me happy to know he was thinking of me and wanting contact with me. Some may think of it as crumbs, but I don’t because he isn’t giving himself to anyone else. he is giving me what he has right now, which is friendship and i will take it happily!

    He made me giggle . . .

  287.  #287Starla on November 27, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Calypso, you like our Buffs? 🙂

  288.  #288FlowerChild77 on November 27, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Starla…I was very excited to read about your meditation and the classes you’ll be attending. I also use prayer beads sometimes when I meditate, but they are not the mala type–I just use my anglican rosary (but not the ‘prayers’ usually associated with them.)

    One of my biggest breakthroughs (in meditation) came when I learned about Japa. I also use bits and pieces of different things I’ve learned and kind of made up my own kind of meditation. I still need to make a special place for it, though, I’m working on that.

    SMB I loved reading about your morning ritual 🙂

    I tried doing some of the ‘meditation challenges’ offered by Depak Chopra but I could never finish the whole 28/30 days. Regardless of how soothing or pleasant the voice, I found the nearly constant “talking” to be way too distracting and eventually down right irritating. It seems that if we are doing it every day, that by the second or third day they would not have to repeat/explain the whole thing each and every time, as if it was the first day. It took up nearly the whole ‘time’ and I ended up feeling kind of aggravated (like “ok, shut up now, so I can concentrate!”) I feel the same way about “guided meditation.”

    Sorry to go on and on…just sharing my experience with that particular thing….

  289.  #289Starla on November 27, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    More news: i’m taking a week off on 12/10 and going through a mini makeover! I’m getting a chemical peel on my face and professional teeth whitening from my dentist:D

    and i am going to use that free time to put up my dance studio in my apartment and work on some lyrics translations for my site:D

  290.  #290Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Starla – it was an Alabama college team – Auburn Tigers – War Eagle!!! Lol

  291.  #291Tam on November 27, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    Ruth!!! (giggles)

  292.  #292ruth on November 27, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    I am feeling intrigued by the meditation talk

  293.  #293Starla on November 27, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    flowerchild, that makes you quite gifted! if you prefer meditations without guiding/narration. most people are the opposite!

  294.  #294Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    Calypso it seems you are not practicing your FMs with him. You can even use emoticons.

  295.  #295Starla on November 27, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    calypso, how funny, our coach got fired yesterday.

  296.  #296Goodheart on November 27, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    Thanks Ruth – feels good to have an idea of what your work is like.

  297.  #297Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    Starla “we” are starting to freak me out – lol

    FW – You are right. I rarely use FM’s with GM. I think if I did when he sent something like that picture he would think I was drunk in the middle of the day – lol. I can’t think of an appropriate FM for a coach bashing picture that I know his friend and partner probably was standing right there waiting to see my reaction to . . . they are like little boys and laugh like hyenas together at this stuff . . .they are fans of the opposing Alabama team, so just jerking my chain.

    Sigh – excuses – so what FM would you suggest, knowing that about him and the situation? I suck at FM’s where he is concerned – I only use them when we are talking about “us” and then I am usually crying . . .

  298.  #298CurvySiren10 on November 27, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    237 Ruth, I agree. LAT-ing (Living Apart Together) is becoming more and more common, even with marriage.

  299.  #299Starla on November 27, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    omgosh calypso, that’s the best time to use feeling messages! super attracting powers:

    “hehehehe i feel tickled by this photo”

    “awww i feel so sad about what’s happened to my team”

    “it feels good to laugh so hard in the middle of the day:)”

  300.  #300Mercedes on November 27, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Starla: I’m so happy your meditation is going well! And those classes sound AMAZING!! We have classes in Houston sometimes that I could take advantage of but never at a time that is convenient for me with my schedule. Maybe that’s why I want the certification…then I can make classes when it is right for me. lol Seriously happy things are going so well for you.

    Sunshine: RE Circular Dating and getting “found out”. For me, every guy I dated while I was circular dating knew I was dating others. I didn’t want to feel like I was doing anything wrong and every man I dated knew there was a strong potential that I had a date with someone else later that same week. Even J knew what I was doing. Not all of the men were comfortable with it (although most were as I suspect they were NOT interested in having me all to themselves so it was perfect that I was dating). The one man that was the most irritated by it was J…and he stepped up to claim me. But yes…I could have lost him forever by dating other men. I was in the absolute RIGHT place for that though as I was completely prepared to never see him again.

    I’m wondering though…because you are afraid of losing your man forever if he finds out you are circular dating or if you tell him you don’t want to be exclusive…does that mean that you are not prepared to lose him for your dream relationship with the right man? If you are not fully prepared to walk away and be with a man who can give you what you want out of a relationship then I really can’t recommend giving the “no girlfriend” speech. That particular set of words means you are ready to move on (or at least stay open to others) until the right man steps up. If you’re not really ready to do that then perhaps you should stay in the situation the way it is now…until you are ready. In the meantime, practice leaning back, not blaming and being open to him by using your feeling messages when appropriate.

    I don’t know but in my experience, saying you’re going to walk away and circular date and not being fully ready to do that seems like it could only cause a lot of pain.

    Much Love,

  301.  #301Femininewoman on November 27, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    Calypso I love Starla’s response, especially the last one.

    Your comment sounds to me like his little “inner boy” was inviting your little “inner girl” to come out and play.

  302.  #302Starla on November 27, 2012 at 1:38 pm

    “that picture made me laugh so hard my skin feels prickly all over”

    “laughing so hard i could feel the weight of the day just lifting off my shoulders… i feel all airy and big and free now:)”

  303.  #303Rori Raye on November 27, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    Welcome Sassy! Love, Rori

  304.  #304Rori Raye on November 27, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    Sassy, you’re ending up in moderation and as spam because of your email links (this is NOT safe on the web, please don’t put up your email address unless you’re a professional and have experience with that…) and your web links…Love, Rori

  305.  #305Starla on November 27, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    “I don’t know but in my experience, saying you’re going to walk away and circular date and not being fully ready to do that seems like it could only cause a lot of pain.”

    I did just this with CF. ooooooops. He didn’t like it but he was accepting. And then the next day I started singing a different tune, asking him for moremoremore, putting a lot of pressure and responsibility on him for my happiness.

    this would have been fine, except that i had just told him i was a free bird who was going to date until i was fully claimed.

  306.  #306Mercedes on November 27, 2012 at 1:45 pm

    Calypso: “Awww…I feel so sad seeing that picture. 🙁 I thought we were more connected than that. After all, we did BOTH get beat by Texas A&M…”

    Much Love,

  307.  #307Daria on November 27, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I got my blood time . Yay

  308.  #308Starla on November 27, 2012 at 1:55 pm

    fw, i believe you’re right about my being psychic but i feel very self conscious saying that out loud.

  309.  #309Heart on November 27, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Well RomamceCd has asked me out again….I told him I’ll get back to him….I feel Scared….
    I’m tired of hung up ness….
    what if i get hung up on him…
    Right now I’m 10% hung up….and pretty much ok and learning to love myself.
    Im not ready for full on hung up…
    Also Im not attracted to him….

  310.  #310Smile on November 27, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    FW 228,

    “It ALSO means, not getting fidgety and angst-y
    because you don’t know ‘where this is going’. ”

    This was my biggest lesson. The reason I left ex of 2 years. Wow I feel silly. I feel compassionate towards myself.

    I feel much more relaxed.

    I am relaxed
    I am relaxed
    I am relaxed

    I love the unknown

  311.  #311T-Girl on November 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Goodheart I was thinking about you the other day wondering if you were still reading the blog. (((hugs)))

  312.  #312Daria on November 27, 2012 at 2:10 pm

    Ruth – what was your FM ?

  313.  #313Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    LOL – I had to go away and attend a meeting and when I came back I was sooo confused by so many sirens commenting on how the pic made them feel . . . I kept wondering where you saw the pic and why you cared . . . hehe – just now realized you were giving me FM ideas . . . Love to sirens!!!

  314.  #314ruth on November 27, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    well, sorry girls but i am feeling a bit meh about all of this
    wellmy man isnt speaking to me cos I expressed feeling messges
    and ive just done a whole run in tears grieivng for a very longdstanding patient

    I have no comfort and maybe stuffing it down would have been best
    it feels like crap with no comfort

  315.  #315Goddess Lily on November 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm


    I wish I was in 80 degree weather. I’m a bit farther north and I feel cold and that cold won’t let up until spring… winter. I could be totally satisfied in a climate with barely any seasonal change.

  316.  #316Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    OK – I just texted GM – “It felt so good to laugh unexpectedly in the middle of my day 🙂 “

  317.  #317Shar lean way back on November 27, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Calypso, Yes please use FM’s with him. He needs to see you as “different”. Rori has a lot to say about that.

  318.  #318Smile on November 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    (((Ruth))) 237

  319.  #319Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    His little boy loves my little girl . . . he is forever pulling her pig-tails!

  320.  #320Goddess Lily on November 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    I wish you could be my doctor. My doctor doesn’t listen at all.

    ((((Amazing Dr. Ruth))))

  321.  #321ruth on November 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    I am off to bed now
    Tomorrow has to be better

    Daria, thanks for askng
    I stated authentically that I felt sad, choked up and confused
    didnt go down well

  322.  #322Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:22 pm


  323.  #323Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Ok – he just responded, “I thought it was funny, but don’t really give a sh!t about Auburn anyway”

    Now what???

  324.  #324Smile on November 27, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    Tam 223,

    “let me just dream a bit here”

    Aw, that felt so lovely to read and your desires.
    I love imagining my perfect relationship. Actually it brings me feelings of comfort. This is part of my visualisation I’ve been doing from roris tools.

  325.  #325Daria on November 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Thank you Mercedes

  326.  #326Smile on November 27, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    I spent time at my friends tonight. They are lovely. We laughed lots, it felt such fun. I feel I can speak honestly with these two friends. They feel deeply and hold no judgements. I cried. I still love strummingman. But I feel at ease in my self. I love going with the flow.
    Actually, I feel a little sheepish to say I feel a little proud of myself. My friends made me realise a few things.

  327.  #327MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Baby, i’m feeling so emotional and intense. I see you. I see you so clearly, and maybe I still want the lines blurred. I say and I think I have no reason for feeling this way but I do. I found this amazing compassion and empathy and I felt that deep inner knowledge I feel sometimes that tells me it’s gonna stick. It feels so important and so positive and it makes me feel nauseated tingles in my belly. Sometimes letting go of something, even for the better feels sickening. Maybe I am a little scared of being SO free and SO open and SO receptive and accepting that it actually becomes a wall. Knowing that is within me is big and kind of crazy. My irritation at being “read” like a book is this wall. It’s really fear. That you will see the depth of knowledge that resides in me. I don’t want you to know what I know. Now I see in all your efforts to “crack my nut” as you put it are your own walls. I have no intentionof forcing you to open in a more real way. But I see you there, and I know somethings up. Somethings missing, and it’s not missing from me. I won’t analyze or criticize. It’s time to unzip my heart and when you are ready, I know it will come.

  328.  #328Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:35 pm

    I just replied, “hehe . . . good thing I don’t either or my feelings would really be hurt!”

  329.  #329Daria on November 27, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    Ruth – hmm id try something shorter, like just one feeling

    Voice tone , and soeaking style is very important. ‘aww, wow, whoa’ first… I listen to Rori and emulate her

    I usualy am prepared for it to not go over well – ie another person to attack now that I’m vulnerable

    I Watch myself for signs of happiness and pride – and create that by celebrating inwardly – for having expressed self authentically regardless (even within feeing upset at the after effects )

    I also practice by taking opportunity to express positive FMs or pleasurable body sounds . Sometimes those ‘slip by’ without an attack

  330.  #330Starla on November 27, 2012 at 2:42 pm

    calypso my internet is being so slooow so it’s too late now but i was going to say:

    calypso, you say nothing. he’ll text again like “so how are you?” and you can go back into feeling messages:)

    or he’ll just drift off until next time.

    🙂 just lean back.

  331.  #331MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    I feel rushed. Only time for a ten minute shower and out the door.

  332.  #332MissStix on November 27, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    By letting go of my teeniest tinyest remaining resistances there will be no more resistances to mirror. Then it’s all in.

  333.  #333Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Ok – back to leaning back . . . lol

    Still nothing from JC, which is beyond odd . . . leaning WAY back . . .

  334.  #334Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    At least i used the word “feelings” lol

  335.  #335Smile on November 27, 2012 at 2:50 pm

    As I lie in my bed ready to fall asleep I’m thankful today for great friends, feelings (both good and bad) and my snuggly dressing gown.

  336.  #336Starla on November 27, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    yay calypso nice baby steps with using the feelings word!

  337.  #337Calypso on November 27, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    Better than pretending I don’t have any . . . time to go visit my mom in the nursing home and then home to feed the critters and then watch TV and go to bed and get up and do it all over again ~

  338.  #338Dominique on November 27, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    Femininewoman and Tam – 253 – yes he did. doesn’t mean he’s able to do relationship as you want it, Tam, but he did give this to you.


  339.  #339FlowerChild77 on November 27, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    Sigh….I’m trying to keep myself busy. I read a lot and I’m looking at ideas to plan and start over the winter for spring and summer (to fix up my yard and have a garden, etc.)

    I can’t abandon all my interests and things I love, yet—–I’m feeling so sad thinking about all the cool things I see on pinterest and gardening sites and magazines, seed catalogs etc. because it reminds me of all the wonderful things D and I used to do together (and planned to keep on doing.)

    We were a team. He did the ‘guy’ stuff (like tilling the garden, building stuff, etc.) and I did the ‘me’ stuff. And many of the ideas I find are things I can’t do by myself. I had to leave ‘goldmine’ of outdoor stuff out at the house because of his sisters. (Like old doors, old windows, tons of pallets, all kinds of old random things I’d planned to use creatively.)

    My son tried to comfort me by promising that he’d help me do these things (albeit on a much smaller scale because I live in town now.) He was so supportive and kind to me. I figured I’d just “power on through” and make the best of it, make new memories….and now he’s gone, too.

    I can be doing SO well and then I just get so down missing them both. I’m so used to having someone to share things with. I feel empty inside.

    My oldest daughter and I became quite close when she was pregnant and had my grand daughter (she’s five now and in school all day.) She met a man through work and it’s a LD relationship, but he is quite well off and they fly back and forth to be with each other at least 2-3 times a month…almost every weekend. He’s a wonderful guy and I can see that he makes her very happy and he really loves her.

    I want her to be happy and I know it’s not right to ‘depend’ on her for friendship, etc. It’s just a crappy time for us to be drifting apart. I’m very happy for her in my heart…she deserves to have what she wants in life and I want that for her. But it feels like a loss, nonetheless—because of the timing, not because I don’t want her to move on and be happy.

    Ok…I’m done whining now. I have so much to be grateful for and I’m so blessed. I feel guilty for feeling sad and lonely…almost like it’s disrespectful and selfish. But I’m working at not stuffing it all back in…so….it’s coming out….

  340.  #340Starla on November 27, 2012 at 3:54 pm


    it’s not ‘whining’
    we love u!

  341.  #341Starla on November 27, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    tonight i’m going to rush home from the office, change into my dance clothes, meditate, go to the dance studio, and then honor myself by eating lots of fruit for dinner:)

  342.  #342Starla on November 27, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    my guy friend also offered to take me out on my birthday and host a little party for me!!! my birthday’s not until the 23rd and he has plans during that day, but he’s like “i’m gonna come home from that and take you out! invite your friends!!”


    i kinda do hope he’s slowly putting the moves on me.

  343.  #343Senior Lady Vibe on November 27, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    A Thanksgiving gift for a young husband and wife: their newborn daughter, born November 15th.

    Welcoming Baby Olivia!!


  344.  #344Goddess Lily on November 27, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    (((Flower child)))

  345.  #345FlowerChild77 on November 27, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    Ohhhhhh…..I clicked on it, but I can’t watch. (I’m too weak right now.) What a beautiful idea… <3

  346.  #346Dominique on November 27, 2012 at 4:40 pm

    SLV!!! – 🙂


  347.  #347Linda on November 27, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I am trying to check in with my feelings. I do not feel emotionally free to carry off CDing with three lovely high quality men. CDing was easier emotionally when there were men in my rotation that I did not have that much attraction to.

    I do not want to be seen as a player or a person that is not sensitive to a mans feelings. Even though we can often vilianize them in our minds, they have feelings too.

    As I sift thru I dont see how to pull this off well. Leaning back and seeing who steps up may take time to play out and in the meantime I dont want a man whom I feel has really great qualities that I like to eliminate himself because he is feeling played or toyed with.

    This has not come to happen but I feel I need to understand. I am thinking and feeling ahead. I dont want to blow this… mess it up.

    I feel a pre-panic . I am big on integrity and honesty because that is how I want to be treated and if I dont do this for a man then …..

    Also, I am encountering feelings of mistrusting men in general. This feels ugly and restrictive and counterproductive. I know that it will affect my vibe and I feel concern.

    wow… I am not even thinking or obsessing over men, staying focused on me and seeing some things I dont have settled inside of me.

    I already have had all three men mention doing something this week end but none have set up anything in stone. One setting up christmas trees at each others places… one asked me what are “we gonna do this weekend”? the other… has not formally asked me about Saturday with definate plans but hinted at it. I dont want this problem and dont want to juggle


  348.  #348Senior Lady Vibe on November 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    @345: FlowerChild77 says:says:
    “Ohhhhhh…..I clicked on it, but I can’t watch. (I’m too weak right now.) What a beautiful idea… <3"

    Hi FC, weak? I haven't read Rori's post yet or comments. I hope you are OK… Take care.

    Last night I started to read the previous post comments. So many, I fell asleep before I could get to the end. Is there something funny with the dates? There was no Thanksgiving post yesterday… 😯

    @346: Dominique says:
    "SLV!!! – "

    Hi! 😀


  349.  #349Sassy on November 27, 2012 at 5:49 pm


    Those earrings are no longer available, so so sorry!

    May I email you with an alternative suggestion?

  350.  #350Tereana on November 27, 2012 at 6:20 pm

    I love this post! Gratitude is amazing.

    And I’ll tell you what also really gets you out of the “rubble” – trying being grateful for something that you really don’t think you should feel grateful for. Try being grateful for the very thing that is bothering you. THAT creates a shift. THAT starts to transform the experience.

    Case in point:

    I had a recent experience with a “CD.” He was cute. He approached me at a dance event. He took me on a first date. We had great conversation, he was amusing (I thought he might be gay, but whatever). He kissed me, and I could tell what a sensual guy he was in the way he lingered on the kiss, seeming to just enjoy it.

    Well, fast forward to the second date. And then the “You’re great, but I don’t want to date you” email. Or, it would have been better if that was what he had actually said. What he really wrote was that he “wasn’t looking for anything serious right now.” What he meant was in the first quotations. And then it got ugly – for me.

    His message triggered a whole LOAD of feelings with me – some of which seemed to have to do with him, and many (most) of which, I could tell, were just my “stuff.” I was able to process it. I was able to express my desire to speak in person. Which in hindsight, was pretty superfluous. But I was having trouble navigating with myself, because on the one hand, I wanted to remain calm and composed, and just accept what was happening. And the other hand, I had a whole slew of volatile emotions that were cascading over and through me.

    After speaking in person with him, I didn’t feel better – I felt WORSE. I even wrote him an angry email. ha!

    But I’ll tell you what I DIDN’T do – I didn’t do anything to try and make it “better.” And I am actually quite proud of myself for that!

    AND, after giving myself time to “process” everything, I have learned a ton about myself that I didn’t know before.

    And now, I just feel THANKFUL.

    I knew as well as he did that it wasn’t meant to last. But I feel amazed and awed that such a small, short interaction with this one person could be so fruitful. I’ve learned so much, and I have practiced appreciating different parts of me, and truly clarified my desires and direction in relationship. Wow. I feel so sincerely grateful and just juicy.

    I have no stake in what happens now, and no expectations. I just really appreciate what he did for me as the “angel” (messenger) that he was. So amazing!

    I even wrote him a “thank you” note today. Not that I needed to do that. But also, I feel that I don’t care what he thinks at this point. I care what *I* think. I care that I now have a deeper appreciation and knowledge of who *I* am. And that feels so good.

    And when I started to look for gratitude in the situation, which I *really* did not feel happy about – that’s when it started to change.

    Try it! If nothing else, just see what happens…

    I’m a fan 🙂

  351.  #351GingerSky on November 27, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    Mercedes, (I commented to you on the last thread fwiw), I want to know if you don’t mind sharing, what it is about your relationship that seems it wouldn’t be ideal for others. I believe and am SO grateful you share about your happiness here!! That feels so edifying for me, changes my vibe, makes my set point resonate to your descriptions! Ideal for me to hear that.

    And I too often find I’m comfortable in relationships which may not be exactly the kind everyone would want, though they’re not that different either… so I feel very curious about yours. No pressure if you don’t feel like replying. But I wanna add your descriptions to Rori’s, FW’s and others’. I feel So happy for you… and come to think of it, I notice in life often that when we can be happy for someone else’s good happenings it just brings ours that much faster and with less blockages?

    And if we can’t feel happy for them? Then it’s a great and grindy opportunity to work through our own triggers and pain, of course.

  352.  #352GingerSky on November 27, 2012 at 9:06 pm

    Mercedes, I’ll look around through the threads to see if you’ve already answered my Qs.

    Tonight, Sirens, NSM was possibly going to come over for a little cuddle time, as we still spend time together gladly without the pressure of future commitment etc, and it’s working for us both. He wanted to do that last night, but I said no bc my room was not clean and I was tired from a headache that finally left. So he joked he felt disappointed or rejected last night and today during work, and had agreed maybe we could relax together tonight instead.

    Around 8-ish or so I called to check in with him, leaning forward, bc he expects it (can get angry if I leave all the work on him since we’re more workmates and friends, and bc he’s weird and has clear issues too… and though I don’t do sex in this kind of relationship, just cuddling, shoulder massaging etc with a movie or something is fine as long as the boundaries have been mutually discussed and clear) And bc we work together and live in community together, it’s important to let the work come first even if it means I lean forward and mess up the cuddle-vibe a bit, as that’s less of a priority… we’ve kind of agreed on that.

    But he wasn’t in the mood for my lean-forward, was still in the middle of work, and let me know that nicely and kept working, saying he would have called me later when he was done with work anyway. For my part, I wanted to know what my evening would entail and when, what were the chances, rather than letting him keep me guessing and at his sudden beck & call as he usually prefers unless I keep reminding and insisting on boundaries lol. Bc of our situation, personalities and what our work is about, it gives me many great chances to practice and experience stuff through him and he’s ok (enthusiastic actually) about that.

    So I felt like I downed the cuddle-vibe by leaning forward, but in thinking about it after a couple of hours with no call from him, I KNEW I felt better this way bc I realized my calling him to check in had allowed me to no longer feel on the hook awaiting whatever at a late hour… which feels like BLEH (used, disregarded, left not knowing if I can start another project, like laying sewing out on the bed/couch or something). This allowed me to go ALL kinds of places in myself to realize, feel, see, plan, strengthen, and to nail down thinking and vibe-shifting for myself, awesome.

    Leaning forward isn’t ideal with other men of course, but I have nothing to lose with him really, and I’m using him (and he me) for training wheels! Like now I have such a CLEAR experience of hearing the man react to my lean-forward, need-to-know, that I’ll never lower myself to do that with a man I’m actually *dating*. I pretty much never do this anymore anyway, but good to get the experience, and in a safe setting. I love living in community.

    LOL! He JUST texted to check if I’m asleep yet! Ha ha! he texted so he wouldn’t wake me up if I was. Aw. Sweet. So maybe some friendly cuddle, massages and update on our days after all. Lol! I feel happy, and I felt JUST as happy before! I am addiction free and in my happy little power tonight, and it feels comfy, like soft perfect bedroom slippers for my soul.


  353.  #353GingerSky on November 27, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    (And for those of you who haven’t known me before, I was in a total, ripped up, dying-inside mess over this man two years ago. Omg. It’s been a long, slow, soul-rending process. Used to wear me out to lean back for even 30 minutes, and it made my back hurt and my head spin around. And I was ADDICTED MAJORLY, intensely, to this man. Miserably in love in an impossible situation that was bliss and hell. Was without adequate food, having health problems and more.

    Now I feel in control in many ways in my life, ESP in this relationship, and the world is bright and GOOD, regardless! AND I still have my friend and soul mate, except he’s not freaking out about my marriage desires all the time, and I can see other people too.

    Engaging Rori’s work saved my life. I was totally falling apart. And my deep spiritual practice wasn’t specific to this kind of thing.)

  354.  #354GingerSky on November 27, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    ((((( Tereana ))))) ! Way to go, girl! I feel proud of you as well fwiw!

  355.  #355Tereana on November 27, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    Ok. Help.

    The universe is seriously humbling me right now.

    Lately, I have been practicing gratitude, A LOT. Little things, big things. I’ve especially been practicing gratitude for things I don’t even think that I *should* be grateful for. And I am trying my best to stay positive. I really am. And yet…

    Thus week/weekend, it’s been one thing after another. Always, it’s the “I’m just not ready for a relationship now.” (translation: I don’t want a relationship with YOU. Even if they believe what they are saying.) and it’s always the ones that I LIKE. Grrrr.

    Meanwhile, it’s the ones I don’t like, or don’t have feelings for that are chasing me down like crazy. And it hardly even matters.

    Even if a guy does get close to me, I start to shut down.

    In hindsight, I can see how I’ve over functioned with the guys I liked. Maybe assuming that if I didn’t do anything, they wouldn’t continue to like me. Hmm…

    But I’m also feeling flustered. After all of this work, I am STILL not getting it. And I can feel it in my body. I just don’t seem to have that “thing” that guys crave. That special quality that makes them not just want to be near me (I’ve got that down, pat), but to actually see me as their girlfriend and want me to stay.

    Ok, whiney moment: waaaah, I want it to change!


  356.  #356ruth on November 27, 2012 at 9:28 pm

    I am glad you can sahre this with us flower child

  357.  #357ruth on November 27, 2012 at 9:30 pm

    He is still angry and not speaking
    I feel so sad and scared
    If feeling messages do this———-
    It doesnt feel good to stuff down the feelings, and I can se why one should not(because, yes it does boil over in the end)
    But the way I am feeling now is horrible

  358.  #358Tereana on November 27, 2012 at 9:32 pm

    And I feel flustered, because the “tools” seem like a quick fix. I can practice them, and watch the results in the moment. But that doesn’t translate into the guys wanting a relationship. In fact, I think it ends up as being more of a manipulation, and if so, I’m sure they can feel it and get turned off.

    And there’s another thing – I know that we are all about authenticity here. But I am trying my best. It just seems that what is necessary and required of a relationship is antithetical to the basic elements of who I am. I need to feel certain things, I need to feel certain things. Relationship wants me to be meek and accepting. Talk less. Shut myself down, it seems. Because whenever I “let myself out.” it seems to backfire and push everyone away.

    I feel saaaaad.

    K (old CD) is hitting on me and being gross. It’s turning me off. I think guys turn me off. And I don’t think I can give a mdn what he really wants, without feeling that I am compromising myself at the deepest level.


  359.  #359Tereana on November 27, 2012 at 9:38 pm

    Life it tough. I am getting schooled.

    And it hurts

  360.  #360sunshine on November 27, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Indigo thanks for your encouragement about circular dating. Im definitely thinking about this because my boyfriend situation is feeling awful. today I recieved no text or call since yesterday’s argument. I can’t stop thinking about the moment when he said that at his work they were gonna play secret santa and that one of the girls said she wanted a vibrator from him and he said he wanted an inflatable doll. My ears right now are tingling I feel so angry it actually hurts my chest, and my theres a prikliness in my chest. Being around him constantly makes me feel unsafe, scared and sad, the complete opposite of what I used to feel around his presence.

  361.  #361Indigo on November 27, 2012 at 9:52 pm

    Mercedes 300

    That is so wise, what you say. Don’t give the no-girlfriend speech unless you are prepared to walk away and be open to the man who will give you what you want. It is so true, because unless you are prepared to do this, you will doubt your resolve and go back.

    It is so true. And yet I can’t. I can Circular Date, but I can’t walk away.

  362.  #362Daria on November 27, 2012 at 10:46 pm

    I feel lOve for me

  363.  #363Daria on November 27, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    I feel loneliness no interest in that guy now that we’ve left

  364.  #364Daria on November 27, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    I like his attention but I feel turned off when he inadvertently tunes out n focuses on himself

  365.  #365Heart on November 27, 2012 at 10:58 pm


  366.  #366ruth on November 27, 2012 at 11:00 pm

    I think thats the problem for a lot of us
    we cant walk away

  367.  #367Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 12:06 am

    ugh. i feel confused and tired but kind of apathetic but feeling in my boy energy as if i should work this out mentally.
    so saw my boyfriend after a week break yesterday. was very nice at first. felt good. we had dinner and then he slept over and at first he was being very loving and very sweet. i just always get this insecure feeling because its not the way it was. he used to be SOO loving almost in a protective fatherly way which my friends would say wasn’t healthy but i loved and it made me feel really safe feminine and relaxed. then we had sex, but he used to be alot more enthusiastic and it just felt very mechanical. even though he says “OH woow that was great ” i said “i want to make love sometime how we used to” after.. and he was like ok and i was like “unless that makes you uncomfortable” and hes like “no that doesnt” but i feel like he wont tell me what’s on his mind and i feel gross being all concerned about what he’s thinking. i said “i want things to be the way they were.” and he said” i cant promise u that things will be the way they were but i can tell you that they will be better than before” and then he slept the whole night holding me which was nice but then in the morning we had sex again and i just felt unfulfilled because he seemed more into his own pleasure than mine (and he used to be very attentive to me) and not kiss me very much like before.. and i just felt kind of sad. except he kept atlking about how great it was after. i don’t know how to say like i want it to be more loving without making it seem like he’s the prize. i want to be the prize. how do i act in this situation? also, we went to breakfast this morning. and usually if he gets up to get water or something he’ll get a glass for me and vice versa. today he just got a glass for himself. and so i got kind of annoyed and got up and got one for myself and seemed pissy when i came back. and he was like “oh sorry! i didn’t think of it” and i was like “its fine” but its just all those little things. then he says , ” call me when you get home later” and i said “noo you call me” and he said “Ok i’ll call you what time arey ou home?” and i said “11” and he still hasnt called. … i feel annoyed but too tired to say anything. i just dont know how to handle.. it makes me want to look for other guys but i know he loves me and then i’d be throwing away a good thing but at the same time, i just want that romance we used to have. how to deal? ugh. so annoyed.

  368.  #368Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 12:15 am

    i feel sad he hasn’t called. i feel unloved and uncared for. i feel scared. i want a man who calls me when he says he will. i want to express love freely and feel safe in receiving love in return. i love my need to look after myself. i feel frustrated that i care but i’m glad i care enough about myself. i feel blessed to be taking care of myself instead of out drinking or doing something stupid like i usually do. i feel judgemental that i care so much. i feel like judging myself

  369.  #369Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 12:20 am

    i feel hopeless because i want to text him a blamey, whiny text like “i hate it how you always forget about me :(” but i know that would not fix anything. he’d call and say sorry and be like i was gonna call you later (MAYBE) or be silent and i’d get more upset… but ultimately, he didn’t call me when he said he would which has happened alot. its not a one time thing. so i’m just upset and it feels like do i have to accept this!??! i don’t understand. i feel sad. i feel like crying. i feel mad that i care.

  370.  #370Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 12:28 am

    i feel anxious. i dont know what to do with myself. im scared i’ll call him when i’m half asleep

  371.  #371Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 12:32 am

    I feel like he’s cheating. I don’t understand why he’s doing this. He’s not like this. He stepped up so much before and now i have to beg him to do what he used to. i’m so tired of it. i’m so sad. i hate it. i hate either having to accept this or walk. i love him and i love hanging out wit hhim but i don’t love this or the other behaviors. i feel soo frustrated and upset.

  372.  #372Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 12:45 am

    i don’t know why it’s so hard for me to lean back. i took the easy way out of feeling my pain. i texted him saying ” im really sad. im not even mad like i used to be. im scared that if i stay with you im gonna have to accept being forgotten about and feeling unloved and unappreciated. i don’t want to feel insecure in a relationship. i want to feel loved.” im scared. i dont know why i keep doing stuff like this. its so self destructive. i feel dumb. how to regain my power? 🙁 🙁 i feel hopeless.. and now i’m sad he hasn’t responded yet or called.

  373.  #373Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 1:04 am

    Oh Janie Baby, I feel so much for you. It feels awful to be in that space where you’re just not getting what you want and all that insecurity comes up. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice for you, because, I am struggling too. I’m just sending you love.

  374.  #374Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 1:06 am

    Well I’ll do another thanks for three blessings.

    1. I’m grateful for my son being ok after having a car accident today.
    2. I’m grateful for my fantastic gym I go to.
    3. I’m grateful for my cat who snuggles with me every night.

    This feels nice.

  375.  #375Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 1:09 am

    Thanks Scarlet. yes it really hurts, especially after receiving everything i ever dreamed of from this guy for so long and believing he was the one.

  376.  #376Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 1:22 am

    Janie Baby, I’m not completely up to speed with your situation. Did you recently break up with him and get back together. What caused the break up? And why do you think he’s cheating?

  377.  #377Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 1:26 am

    No break up. I don’t know. I’m insecure. He used to be sooo affectionate always told me he loved me. kissed me all the time. called me all the time. we had a separation for 6 months cause i was abroad and i came back and things changed, but i just feel it’s weird he’s ignoring my calls right now and texts. i feel yucky.

  378.  #378Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 1:30 am

    He might be feeling overwhelmed all the texts and calls. He might be experiencing you as needy. The 6 month separation must have given him a chance to experience freedom and solitude so now you are back the change might be a bit draining for him with all the leaning forward. So he creates the space.

  379.  #379Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 1:33 am

    I feel scared. I sent two blamey winey unsireny texts that disgust me.
    “This is why i no longer feel good in sf. I cant even depend on my own boyfriend to do what he promises. That feels shitty. I used to consider you my best friend and now i just feel hurt cause i keep believing ur promises of things “getting better” but i can feel that things are different. iam always ignored after we have sex where i am barely kissed. i just feel really used and depressed to be in this city where i feel unsafe emotionally and physically. i feel really bad” next one : ” im really scared. can you jsut be a friend to me right now and please, don’t lie to me anymore please? just be my good friend like you used to be. i don’t want to live a lie. i don’t want to be unfulfilled and craving affection from men. i want real love. please just be a friend. i want honesty” .. omg now im embarassed reading back on my texts. i feel kind of mean… like extremely mean. ughh how do i remedy this?

  380.  #380Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 1:34 am

    Oh ok. I have recently been in that crazy place where my anxiety has got the better of me and I’ve called and called and then text and all of it is ignored. That makes me even crazier, so I remember what Rori has said to other women doing this – “STOP”. Just stop doing it. I have just stopped today because my calls are being ignored and up until this evening I was broken hearted over it, but tonight I’m feeling pissed off. I think I’m pissed off at myself for chasing him and pining after someone who IGNORES me. I will be gentle on myself and just be glad that I have reached the pissed off stage because that allows me to stop.

    So, Janie Baby, the only thing I can say is just stop calling/texting and as hard as it is, just try to get on with your stuff. Believe me I know how heart wrenching it is not to feel that connection, but I also know it just feels worse when we try to force it.

    Hang in there.

  381.  #381Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 1:34 am

    FW: how do i deal with this

    PS I’m sorry for being negative. i feel bad for this.

  382.  #382Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 1:35 am

    Thanks Scarlet

    That out of control feeling is so scary… where we don’t feel in control of our own bodies. 🙁

    Thanks for the support. <3

  383.  #383Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 1:45 am

    i felt bad being so accusatory so i sent a text saying ” sorry if im being hurtful. i feel bad for taking out my own depression on you. i just feel insecure and i don’t want to feel that anymore. i still appreciate you for being my friend even if it’s not how it used to be. 🙁 sorry. good night. i still love you. i’m just hurt”

    NO i understand why this is bad. i could have processed my emotions alone and dealt with this from a place of strength but because i have done this, now i’ve probably pushed him away more and won’t get a chance to see if THIS is what i want cause i’m fishing for a reaction out of him. i can’t let myself “be surprised” if i react like this.

    i really need help. i really admire all of you who have it put together and can process your emotions maturely. i don’t know what’s wrong with me.

  384.  #384Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 1:48 am

    i feel curious as to why i act crazy. maybe i try to push him away subconsciously so i can know he leaves me cause i’m crazy instead of relaxing and being myself and feeling boring and having him leave.

    i don’t know.
    why this anxiety?
    hmm. i feel curious.

  385.  #385Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 2:00 am

    Gee JB, I feel like I’m looking into a mirror reading your posts.

    I think we’ve all been in that crazy place and I don’t believe it’s because you are subconsciously pushing him away. I believe it’s because we are very scared. Our little girls within are screaming for the fear to be alleviated. She is frightened of being abandoned, so to alleviate that fear, we think we can act out on it and get him to say something to fix it. Although it never works, that is why we’re doing it. Just be gentle with her and when you lean back from a strength perspective (ie looking after yourself) your little girl with calm down. She will realise she is being looked after by YOU. You will be nurturing her by calming yourself and not giving in to the anxiety. It’s ok to feel the fear, but best not to act on it.

    Believe me I am talking as much to myself as I am to you. Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I am crazy too.

    We’re just scared.

  386.  #386Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 2:04 am

    But scared of what?

  387.  #387Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 2:05 am

    Scared of being abandoned.

  388.  #388Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 2:14 am

    Sorry Janie Baby, I was really talking about myself. Sorry if it doesn’t apply to you.

  389.  #389Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 2:22 am

    Scarlet, I relate completely to what you are saying.
    Feels good to relate on this issue and know I’m not the only one.

    Thank you. I like your advice of looking after the little girl.

  390.  #390Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 2:26 am

    yes. a total fear or being abandoned. but i feel like acting upon the fear makes it more likely to happen.

  391.  #391Scarlet on November 28, 2012 at 2:30 am

    Yes, it’s ironic isn’t it.

    Maybe we can try to keep each other strong. Let’s start with Rori’s advice of “just STOP”.

  392.  #392Janie Baby on November 28, 2012 at 2:37 am

    Yes good idea!! the fear of abandonment is very strange now that i’m inspecting it closer… we always just have ourselves, so we need to feel good and safe being alone but sometimes i just feel like a little girl being left alone…

    but yes let’s be strong!!! going to bed soon but thanks for the support and love <3

  393.  #393ruth on November 28, 2012 at 2:37 am

    Excellent post Scarlet

  394.  #394Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 3:00 am

    #339 Flowerchild

    (((( Hugs )))) You are not whining at all. You have been through so much in such a short time and I feel honoured you come on here and share with us.

  395.  #395Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 3:03 am

    #347 Linda

    Thank you for sharing your processing, it is helping me enormously as I trail behind you on the CD’ing with my baby steps but you feel exactly as I feel………..

  396.  #396Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 3:12 am

    #387 ((( Janie Baby )))

    I think that is a fear a lot of us have, be gentle and kind to yourself as if Janie Baby was your daughter or your little kid sister.

  397.  #397Heart on November 28, 2012 at 3:25 am

    I feel so exhausted…

  398.  #398Heart on November 28, 2012 at 3:36 am

    I feel sleepy and warm and cosy…
    I feel grateful for (btw I started doing this exercise in the last post…and told myself to do it every night and then Rori comes and makes a post about it…Uncanny! I learnt it along with a gratitude meditation a few years ago..will try to find it tomorrow ) —

    1) One of my associates is pregnant…i touched her stomach today…and felt that Wow-Awwr-Ohmygod – feeling. I feel grateful for that moment.

    2) I feel grateful for Coca Cola….Just had a sip. Tastes so good.

    3) I feel grateful for the moon….for hanging in the sky and giving me something to look up to….<3

  399.  #399Tam on November 28, 2012 at 3:57 am

    I was at a Xmas thing, street party…as I got on the bus home struch up a conversation with a woman who seemed to be an alcoholic, and her 8 year old beautiful daugther. I felt so sad because when I looked at the child, she looked so vulnerable and her pants slipped and I could see her underwear was all ripped and old and I wondered how those two survive here all alone, family elsewhere, staying at efficiencies, motels etc. I felt sad and grateful for what I have. The woman clearly loved her child but she was saying ‘well, I need to waitress or something but I need to look after HER all the time’…my heart sank. I was one of those kids who at that age, had a mother who felt similar and gave me a key. At 8. Which made me vulnerable to all sorts of bad stuff, some of it happened. I just looked at that kid and said to the mother ‘it’s your most important job and never forget that’. She asked me to get her one of the free drinks while she was watching her daughter…and this is the first time, that I said ‘no’ to a human being asking me something totally reasonable.
    How sad. What is going to become of that little girl? How does the law of attraction work here?
    Maybe someone can help me with that because I was feeling devastated as I got home last night….I saw a vision of myself, at 8, also…urgh.
    And now I am ok, but I know how hard it is to live your life happily as an adult when you felt unloved and unwanted from the day you were born and I don’t wish that on anyone….
    ((((innocent little kids))))
    That is life I guess. Poor little girl.

  400.  #400Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:02 am

    Today I feel grateful for my life, I am edging closer to 40, I have no family of my own and never knew if I wanted that…and I never met the right man with whom I felt I could have kids….life slips by so fast, and soon I won’t have to ask myself that question anymore.
    Will I regret it? I don’t know.
    I just know that life seems short and too short not to enjoy what we have and every moment of it, even if our plans get overthrown or we forget to make any or we just run out of time for something.
    And today, I vow to enjoy every little moment of my day, whether I am working, eating, whatever.
    Whether MrP turns up or not and what happens there is just a little moment of the whole and does not even strike me as a big deal right now.
    Actually, it isn’t.
    My life is the big deal for me.

  401.  #401Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:06 am

    357 Ruth..hmmmm..the anger, however bad it feels to you…might be a sign stuff is really going on. Angry men care, indifferent men don’t.
    That is a huge difference.
    It’s not comfortable, but do you see the potential for change there? I do.

  402.  #402Heart on November 28, 2012 at 4:06 am


    That’s where your fear of intimacy started…at 8…it showed up today to help you heal.

    Kudos to you for saying No to her request…
    Sometimes judgement comes from a moral conviction ….not everything within us is some kind of flaw.

  403.  #403ruth on November 28, 2012 at 4:08 am

    yeah but no but
    Not if he aint talking to me!

    Actually I had a very non committal text about 2 hours ago saying have a nice day
    I did NOT reply using a feeling message
    Just exhausted from crying most of the nightand its pretty heavy at work right now

  404.  #404ruth on November 28, 2012 at 4:10 am

    just read back
    Wow tam, what a powerful meaage tou had last night

  405.  #405Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:15 am

    What do men really want?
    Yesterday, a ‘perfect’ and fake woman passes by. Barbie doll, perfect hair, body, face.
    one of the guys in my party (single, bad boy look) nudges me and says: ‘what do you think about her? Look at that, fake hair, fake lips, fake boobs…gotta wonder what else is fake there…most likely the whole personality also…that’s Florida for you, trying to find a good woman is impossible, all plastic’.
    WOW. I mean, a lot of judgments there – but this is the type of guy who looks very groomed and very sharp and like he would go for women like that.
    Very, very interesting. And then the other guy in the party (my friend), saw another friend of his but didn’t want to approach him as he was just chatting up this girl with melon boobs…turns to me and says ‘oh, nevermind, too late to talk to him, the hormones have just kicked in as he looked at those two girls…let’s move on’.
    I am LOVING this insight into the male mind. We also passed a drinks stand with women who had practically no clothes on, and the same guy says to me: ‘if you don’t mind let’s just stand here a moment, I am just going to enjoy the view for a little while’….at this point I said that it was fine and I felt the same and we were both staring at half naked women.
    Actually, by not dating men, and being friends…you can learn a whole lot, because they tend to be very very honest if they are not trying to impress you.
    I like it.

  406.  #406Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:17 am

    403, Ruth, he may not be talking to you because he is processing…I can see that so clearly in my situation..they are like snails at processing while we go 100 Miles an hour.
    Him sending the text is his way of apologizing maybe?
    See what Dominique wrote…he is reaching out.
    They are strange creatures, Ruth!!!!

  407.  #407Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:19 am


  408.  #408Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:20 am

    Yes, heart, this year I traced it back to that age. This is when my childhood stopped.
    I feel understood and heard, thank you.

  409.  #409ruth on November 28, 2012 at 4:20 am

    feels more like I am being punished Tam
    he said my feeling messages made him feel guitly and then didn t contact for 24 hours

    anyway, to clarify
    I *did* reply to the text but neutrally
    I cant take any more cr*p in addition to what is going on at work

  410.  #410ruth on November 28, 2012 at 4:22 am

    gotta love you and leave you ladies(why arent you all in bed?)

    another meeting before clinic

  411.  #411Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:30 am

    Ruth, totally understand (or, as they say here ‘todally)

    However, this kind of thinking is what puts me into trouble because we don’t know what goes on in their heads…and a good friend has actually guided myself on changing my thinking, with everything I say she will tell me ‘this is protective’, ‘this is your defence speaking’…and slowly, slowly – I am waking up and can see it.

    We can’t change them but they are not responsible for our feelings, likewise you are NOT responsible for his feelings…he feels guilty because he cares, and because something you said triggered him.
    It might make you feel bad. It is not a bad thing.

    I am sorry work and everything else is so bad for you, but you have a lot of inner strength…and I found that often when I was in a bad moment, people would withdraw and especially men…and that made me very angry and sad. I am also trying to turn that around and draw on myself instead….I don’t count on support from others anymore and when it comes it’s beautiful – it’s, I guess, about not having expectations.

    I am struggling just as much…and try to see it as (painful) learning. But learning it is.

  412.  #412Heart on November 28, 2012 at 4:32 am

    #408 (((((((((((((((((TAM))))))))))))))))))))

  413.  #413Heart on November 28, 2012 at 4:36 am

    wow Ruth….he said he felt guilty?
    Gosh…i wonder if that’s how most men feel when we use FMs that convey sadness or anger etc.
    He’s opening up that’s a good thing.

  414.  #414Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 4:39 am

    # 408 ((( Tam )))

  415.  #415Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:43 am

    413, Heart agreed….I believe men feel moved when we feel sad.
    Guilty? maybe! Not sure.
    I only ever tried it out on MrP, and he just frantically tries to make it better….when I said I was stressed, he told me there was no need as he was sorting everything out ‘in no time’ (about my repair issues).
    And when I said I was sad, he kept saying ‘on no, don’t be’….and I could see the smoke coming out of his head trying to think of something to do.
    Not sure that was a ‘guilty’ feeling or more just a
    ‘care’ feeling?
    I haven’t really tried negative feelings on any other man, a little, but as they were not so close to me they did not have such a strong reaction, but usually the reaction is ‘let’s fix this’ …in small ways…

  416.  #416Heart on November 28, 2012 at 4:49 am

    Tam – I feel really curious….what feelings did Ruth tell her ake him feel guilty.

  417.  #417Tam on November 28, 2012 at 4:55 am

    I think she wrote it somewhere above, Heart..

  418.  #418Heart on November 28, 2012 at 4:56 am

    Tam – well maybe not for sadness or anger…but I vaguely remember an article I read saying you should tell a guy he’s nlt responsible for your feelings before telling him your feelings because men feel blamed…

    Maybe’s Mr.P response to feeling blamed is to fix it?
    Or maybe he just isn’t in that category of guy and doesn’t feel that way..

    But I remember testing out one of my FMs on guyfriend and hr said that he felt like he did something wrong….Which was an A-ha moment.
    Made me think that the article had a bit of truth in it…

  419.  #419Tam on November 28, 2012 at 5:05 am

    I had this note from the Universe today and it made me quite resolved today, to feel and think before speaking and perhaps no speaking is needed:

    On this day of your life, Tam, I believe God wants you to know…

    …that your prayer has already been heard.

    The Larger Part of You that is eternally connected with

    the Larger Part of Everything, called God, has actually

    been “processing your order” for a while now. You

    don’t have to speak it for it to be known.

    So…the good news today is that your Perfect Outcome

    is on its way. Bless, now, what shows up, and embrace

    it with gratitude. This is the beginning

    of the rest of your life.

  420.  #420Tam on November 28, 2012 at 5:07 am

    418, yes Heart…..good point..but doesn’t it feel awkward to say
    ‘hey, you are not responsible for my feelings but I feel sad’
    when the reason you feel sad is perhaps something he did or didn’t do?
    Kind of inauthentic also? Hm.
    It’s not that they are responsible for our feelings but sometimes an action might cause us to feel sad and then it is indeed connected to the man…

  421.  #421Tam on November 28, 2012 at 5:10 am

    Not sure about the fixing…well, when I told him I was feeling stressed because my Internet and TV didn’t seem to be working together just separate and he was trying to sort that and it got stressful as we had to call various companies (he did all that for me…in fact, there was a comical moment when the TV guy said ‘am I speaking to Tam’ and he said ‘yes’ and I hear mumbling in the background and the guy saying ‘okaaaay…SIR’…hahaha)
    ….and it just went on and on and I needed to do something urgently for work…
    so I said ‘oh God, I feel so stressed now’
    – I doubt he felt the blame…in fact, he seemed to thrive on being the ‘hero’ who was going to make all the stress go away.

  422.  #422Tam on November 28, 2012 at 5:13 am

    I believe FW always says to watch how we say our FM, and to make it all about us somehow, so that there is no blame swinging in the vibrations, but I agree that it’s not easy to do in the moment.

  423.  #423Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 5:40 am

    Tam set your intention to take responsibility for them and just to share your feelings. Just say them simply with no awkwardness. I practice saying it in the mirror looking at my face and I pracetice using them everywhere.

  424.  #424Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 5:42 am

    I have a girlfriend who seem to attract a lot of men. She naturally speaks about her feelings and ask men for stuff. But she will let them also know that they don’t need to feel obligated to do it. She is playful, flirty, matter of fact and just plain old bold/confident. But the guys also know she is not interested/invested.

  425.  #425Tam on November 28, 2012 at 5:49 am

    Thanks FW…I have a lot of awkwardness and it is hard to practice a feeling message when the feeling will arise in the moment….BUT I also believe it is ok to say that ‘I am feeling nervous/awkward/embarrassed for saying….’
    when one feels like that. Everything else would be, I guess, pretending once again?
    I try to stay away from that and try to let them see my insecurity also…hm.
    Not easy.

  426.  #426Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 5:54 am

    In the eBook Rori talks about a woman interacting with her husband. When the woman got angry instead of going into her usual *flight* mode, “she stood there, shaking”………… “and she told him what it felt like to be her at that moment”. Her next words are then the woman “noticed that her was transfixed. He was watching her and listening to her”. Instead of stomping into the next room and yelling “he apologized”.

  427.  #427Calypso on November 28, 2012 at 5:59 am

    Goodmorning Sirens!

    Still not a peep out of JC – this is soooo weird! I am just going to keep waiting and see if i can practice a FM when he finally does contact me. At this point, I really can’t see me going away with him for 4 days . . . it’s been longer than that since I heard from him! Obviously something is going on with him or with us – i feel like he is testing me or something, but I am resolved to practice a FM and not get into Blaming Him. He is nto what i need and apparently I am not what he needs either or he would be courting me . . .

    Never heard any more from GM last night and I was a good girl and did not contact him again.

  428.  #428Tam on November 28, 2012 at 6:00 am

    426, yes FW, I remembered that piece of writing also when the moment happened when he walked out on me….he didn’t come back but it took him FOREVER to walk, he circled me for a bit mumbling ‘I am going now..I have to go now..’…as I sat there, head in my hands… I said nothing at that point, I was just trying to feel what I was feeling and not act out.
    He was procrastinating running, which is very unusual, given the situation and the fact that he was clearly livid – not livid enough not to notice that I was upset though (that was new).

  429.  #429Tam on November 28, 2012 at 6:02 am

    It is actually very powerful to see how much impact our actions and words have and how arguin, ‘making a poin’ and ‘trying to be right’ is just not working at all.
    I never saw that so clearly as I saw it the other week.
    I wish I had known that before, in my other relationships.

  430.  #430Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 6:13 am

    Janie Baby, I feel curious about your story. I have totally felt that needy, things-aren’t-the-way-they-used-to-be panic-y feeling.

    I feel scared to tell you this, but I hope it will help.

    If I were the guy reading your texts, I would feel drained and exhausted and not good enough. Like simply “being me” wasn’t enough for you.

    (sorry if that feels harsh, but just try to put yourself in his shoes.

    what if he sent YOU similar texts? how would it make you feel, if you didn’t REALIZE on a conscious level, at least, you were doing anything different? you would likely think, “WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?”)

    When we as women are feeling secure in ourselves, and a man showers us with good things, we automatically appreciate it and respond with warmth and happiness, which makes our man feel great!

    He’s thinking “It’s so easy to make this woman happy! I feel like a strong, competent man with her!”

    but, we have our scared little girls inside of us.

    If he gets busy with his own life, (which he has every right to do!) and we start to feel neglected, abandoned, or insecure, we start to feel scared and clingy.

    What YOU need to do, sweet girl, is get busy with YOUR OWN LIFE. Start creating your own happiness OUTSIDE of him. What do you love to do?

    Volunteering, writing, sports, music, science, crafts, cooking, having dinner parties with friends, decorating, photography?

    When you start feeling scared, clingy, and have that urgent feeling to call/text/blame/reach out, INSTEAD, feel your feelings.

    How do you feel? Scared? Panicky? Tight in your chest? Notice the swirlying worried thoughts in your head. Sink down into your body. Drop your thoughts to your pelvis. What are you feeling? Sad? Angry? Accept each of your feelings.

    Now, go do something that feels good to you!

    If you’re feeling especially sad and defeated, maybe do something as simple as putting on some cozy pajamas, make yourself some hot cocoa, and put on a happy movie. (NOT a chick flick!)

    Journal. Paint. Look at old photographs. Call a close girlfriend and catch up with her.


    go out to eat by yourself. smile at strangers. Go to a bookstore and completely lose yourself for hours.

    I know you have a boyfriend, but make yourself feel beautiful and allow other men to notice you. Smile, open your heart, and realize what a prize you are!

    When your boyfriend calls again (and he will eventually!) you will likely be feeling better, and be able to tell him how good it is to hear his voice. Go ahead and tell him you miss him, (if you even still do!)

    Tell him you feel scared and anxious. Whatever you do, stop blaming him! “I cant even depend on my own boyfriend to do what he promises.” Ouch! How would you feel if you were just about to call your boyfriend, but he sent you that text first?

    and I think Rori recommends not saying “I’m just hurt.” It makes the man feel like he wounded you somehow, which makes him feel lousy.

    You could say something like,

    “I’m just feeling insecure. I feel so silly for putting so much pressure on you. I think you are absolutely wonderful! Thank you so much for being so patient with me!”

    One thing I’ve noticed that works like gold when communicating with men for me, is when I say “I’m feeling this way, but it’s not your fault.” or, “I’m feeling this way, but it has nothing to do with you.” (if that’s the case.)

    Guys usually feel so relieved to know “its not my fault! I can now comfort this beautiful feeling creature of a woman and feel like a man!”

    Good luck to you, sweet girl. You are so young, full of life, and precious. Go out and live your life! Feel all your feelings and embrace all that life has to offer you.

    ((((Janie Baby)))))))

  431.  #431Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 6:15 am

    woo, that was a novel! but it REALLY helped me to write out all that stuff. great reminders for me.

    Thanks for triggering me, Janie Baby!

  432.  #432Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 6:18 am

    GingerSky: I don’t generally post in the evenings or on weekends but I did see your question: “I want to know if you don’t mind sharing, what it is about your relationship that seems it wouldn’t be ideal for others. ”

    It’s not that anything seems to me that it wouldn’t be ideal. I just understand that as humans, we all want different things in a relationship. We aren’t all looking for the same thing or the same man, etc. For example, J and I both travel a lot for work which means we have to be apart over night sometimes. For some people, that would not work. Also, when I was discussing conflict, we don’t have it – but many women here feel it is necessary in a relationship and I believe I read that we are missing something without it. That kind of thing. I don’t believe that any relationship is perfect for everyone so I feel that there are certainly things about mine that wouldn’t feel right to every other woman.

    Indigo: I should clarify what I meant. If someone gives the “no girlfriend” speech and circular dates, she does not necessarily need to be willing to walk away, but she probably needs to be willing to let HIM walk away if he can’t handle it or doesn’t want it. There are lots of men out there who will be very uncomfortable with a woman who tells him she is dating other men until one of them steps up and claims her. Many of those men will walk away from that. By saying it, I think women have to be prepared to stick to it and keep doing it even if the man they say it to walks away forever.

    Does that clear up what I meant? Sorry for the confusion. I didn’t mean the woman needed to be prepared to walk away, I really meant that if HE walks away, she needed to be prepared to continue on. Otherwise, if she stops doing it and goes after him, then the “no girlfriend” speech just became an idle threat.

    Much Love,

  433.  #433Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 6:20 am

    Oh, it did post. Good. When I submitted #350, the page kept telling me it detected a “duplicate comment,” even though I hadn’t posted anything previously. And it wasn’t a duplicate. But there it is!

  434.  #434Tam on November 28, 2012 at 6:20 am

    I am not going to fret about tonight and ‘does he turn up or not, what am I going to say’
    I am going to have a calm and lovely day and had quite a bit of work to do – AND I am going to have a little clean of the condo and treat myself to happy hour drink and appetiser later…and if he doesn’t turn up I will have a lovely, stress free evening (almost sounds preferable, ha)

  435.  #435Calypso on November 28, 2012 at 6:22 am

    I usually fall asleeep talking to God and counting my blessings. Last night, i made that shorter than normal and instead, concentrated on talking to my Inner Child about the things I realized yesterday – about her not feeling lover or protected by me. I fell asleep (I take muslce relaxors) before I resolved anything, but it made me feel good to explore it. I will do that every chance I get until i find a way to start repairing this.

    (((Inner Child)))

    I named her Sarah aka Sara Connor from the Terminator movie series the first time I watched Rori’s video about identifying her within myself. She is just like that character . . . always running, never trusting, feeling hunted and in danger. I have a lot of work to do . . .

  436.  #436Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 6:24 am

    “The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.”

    ― Theodore Roosevelt

  437.  #437Calypso on November 28, 2012 at 6:26 am

    Tam – That sounds lovely. I hope youa re able to stay in that nice, calm place and enjoy your evening. If he does show up, you will be all soft and open.

  438.  #438Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 6:28 am

    SLV: Hi! Miss Olivia is BEAUTIFUL!!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  439.  #439Heart on November 28, 2012 at 6:29 am

    #420 Tam – lol yes I think it’s a little fake – at least it would be fake for me because Secretly I would be feeling like he’s responsible ..not for the actually feelings but for the triggers….

    but in Reasonable cases…for the feelings too.
    If someone lies to me and cheats on me…and I feel sad….
    Gosh…I would blame that man for my sadness…I would hold him responsible. I guess I’m just a bad person ;).
    Of course one day hopefully I will not hold anyone responsible for my feelings. And I would also be able to have No Expectations and totally divorce myself from any Outcome.
    Yup on that magically day the monks will surely come to take me to Tibet
    and proclaim me as
    their Supreme Buddha
    and I’ll spend my days teaching others how to
    “become one with furniture”
    or ” lay down like an amoeba in a pond”
    hehe… ok wait. What just happened there
    I suppose I’m just trying to say that shifting and changing and expressing without expecting or blaming is tough.

  440.  #440Tam on November 28, 2012 at 6:32 am

    439, Heart, ha!!
    No, I do agree. If someone cheated and lied to me, I would not be able to sit calmly and say ‘you are not responsible for my feelings’….I believe that would be the most insincere thing on the planet.
    We are not made of stone. People can be hurtful.
    They can hurt us and we can feel that they are indeed responsible for hurting us.
    I want to see a wife that has been cheated on saying to her husband ‘you are not responsible for my feelings’ and mean it. That just ain’t going to happen.

  441.  #441Tam on November 28, 2012 at 6:35 am

    Calypso, thank you – I believe I can. Yeah, sure I will be nervous when he comes but I am not going to be headless and let him steamroller over me. No no.

  442.  #442Goodheart on November 28, 2012 at 6:51 am

    Hi T-Girl 🙂


    I have been with my bf for a little over 2 years & I still struggle with feeling messages sometimes. Not the positive ones – I have those down. It’s the negative ones that I’m still learning to express better.

    My biggest problem has always been just owning my feelings & not being ashamed of them. That is huge for me.

  443.  #443BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 7:01 am

    I’m afraid he’s having emotional relationships with other woman.
    I want a man who only wants to be emotionally intimite with me.
    I feel scared that this thought will hold us/me back from really loving each other. I love feeling scared. Feeling scared doesn’t have to be bad, I love myself for having theses feelings. I feel I don’t deserve to have what I want. Why do I feel this way? No one ever said I can’t have what I want, and even if they did, who are they to tell me what I can and cannot have!? I love my feelings.

  444.  #444BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 7:01 am

    I’m afraid he’s having emotional relationships with other woman.
    I want a man who only wants to be emotionally intimite with me.
    I feel scared that this thought will hold us/me back from really loving each other. I love feeling scared. Feeling scared doesn’t have to be bad, I love myself for having theses feelings. I feel I don’t deserve to have what I want. Why do I feel this way? No one ever said I can’t have what I want, and even if they did, who are they to tell me what I can and cannot have!? I love my feelings.

  445.  #445Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 7:18 am

    So here is what happened last night:

    I went into the city for my dance class last night. On my way there, I have to pass by the street that SYG lives on. He lives several blocks down, but it’s easy to find. On one or two occasions, I have stopped by, but usually, I just walk right past.

    Last night, I was feeling a pull in that direction. It was like a magnetic beam. I turned left and crossed the street in the opposite direction, planning to just head straight to class, but I wasn’t feeling good about that. The “pull” was still there. So I turned back and I felt good going in that direction, so I kept going.

    In fact, all the way there, walking down the street, I felt cheerful. I felt like I was carrying new knowledge of myself, and this made me feel good. I had no plan and no agenda. I simply thought I would ring his place and see if he was home and say hi for five minutes.

    SYG’s apartment has one of those call boxes that connects to the person’s cell phone. I usually surprise him when I get there. This time, I rang him, and he buzzed me in right away, without even answering to see who it was. This was unusual! But I was tickled, amused. Had they installed cameras? Was he just open to buzzing up anyone at all? This was very new. I had this magical feeling, as I rode the elevator up to his place. And I half expected him to greet me at the top, or to be peeking out of his door. But he wasn’t.

    I walked down the long hall and knocked lightly on his door. A few seconds later, there was a rustle, and he opened the door, standing behind it, where I couldn’t see his face, and sweeping his arm in a gesture of welcome. I stood there, confused.

    When he finally looked around the door, HE looked confused. He stammered a “hello” and I could tell that it wasn’t me he was expecting.

    “You were expecting someone sexy?” I asked in a flirty way, picking up on his body language, but of course knowing nothing.

    There was a pause. A beat. An ever-so-slight hesitation, as perhaps he weighed the pros and cons of what he might tell me. “My girlfriend, actually.”


    A stabbing feeling in my chest. A sick feeling in my stomach.

    “You can come in, if you want. Stay, you can meet her.”

    A big smile remained on my face, but I’m sure the look in my eyes had changed. I felt like crying. “No, I don’t want to meet her. I have to get to class.”

    We chatted for a few minutes. He kept inviting me in – me refusing.

    “She must be special,” I said.

    “Sure, if that’s what you want to know.”

    “Actually, it isn’t.”

    He couldn’t tell me the answer to what I wanted to know. But I asked him, Why, when he said to me so strongly that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend? “Things changed,” he said.

    And all I could think of was that the only thing that had “changed” was that he had met his girlfriend. Early on, when he met me, he was trying to convince ME that I needed him around, and I was resisting. Later on, things “changed” and he stopped doing that.

    I felt sad and heavy, and I didn’t really have a good reason – just a shock of information, and not what I was expecting. He offered again to introduce me. “No thanks, I have to go,” I said and turned and walked away down the hall. I pushed the elevator button, but then I thought better of it. As I started down the stairwell, I heard the elevator doors open on the first level and someone go in. I was sure that that was the girlfriend, and I didn’t want to look at her.

    SYG told me that she was white, not Indian. Not like that makes a big difference. But since I’ve been dating so many Indian guys, I find it baffling, infuriating, and frustrating that many white women are able to have perfectly stable long-term relationships and marriages with Indian men. Yet, when it comes to me, the men are lascivious and shallow and it feels as if they only want to use my body and have sex for a few times, and then move on – even though they might start off sounding charming and sincere. Either I give sex too soon, or if I wait, then I am a “tease,” and they get bored and leave. I can’t win.

    Later in the night, I cried bitterly about this feeling.

    My heart hurt SO much, learning that SYG had a girlfriend. The last time that I saw him was right before he met her. My NVs were coming up – the “I’m not this, I’m not that” type. But mostly, I was concentrating on just feeling the yuckiness in my chest and stomach.

    I went to my dance class, half happy that I had it to give me something to do, to “dance” the energy out of me. But I was half distracted, because even though I love the dancing, my mind kept wandering back to the conversation, and the feeling I had in my heart.

    There was no resolution. He was perfectly nice and polite to me. Perhaps he did not expect me to be upset, since, as I said when we first met, I “had no expectations.” But I had meant only about that evening. He seemed to apply comment that broadly, to anything at all that had to do with us, and quoted me often, out of context.

    And maybe that was the downfall. To me, “no expectations” meant that I was open to discovering something that might unfold without “expecting” it to happen. I meant that I wasn’t “expecting” there to be a relationship, just because I slept with him. That was ALL I meant. To him, it seemed to mean carte blanche that he could show up or not show up, and it didn’t matter. And his actions showed me early on that I was not “special” to him. And that’s really where it ended, because that’s something that I need to feel. That was on Date 2, I guess.

    (Another Date 2 guy. Huh.)

    But we continued on past Date 2 anyway. As friends, awkward sleeping buddies. It was fun and frustrating. I guess I just wanted the good feeling back that I had on the first night that I spent with him – where I felt like a fun, mysterious, intriguing person. Where he took care of me, and tried his best to make me feel comfortable. That all felt so lovely that it gave me a glimmer of some kind of niceness that I was not, in fact, expecting. But it was there. And I guess that gave me “hope” whether I wanted it or not.

    But there it is. It didn’t go far.

    And what he doesn’t know is that he is the last person that I have slept with as of now. I took a chance, and I went home with him the first time I met him, even though that is not my normal MO. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I just thought he was cute. And maybe I should have refused. But it’s likely things would have turned out the same. He just wasn’t ready for me, and maybe I wasn’t ready for anything, either.

    And maybe the fact that I wasn’t really “ready” is why he wasn’t ready with me. Why any of these guys tell me they aren’t “ready.” Is that really true? Or does the guy get “ready” when he meets the right woman? Seems to me that the last part is what’s true – “readiness” is dependent on how he feels with her, and whether or not he wants the relationship to continue. Because if he does, you’d better believe he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that it does (if he’s at least a little bit mature, anyway).

    Ok. Whew. That was a very long novel (again).

    I haven’t been getting a lot of sleep these past few days. My body is subsisting on minimal food intake. This is how my body responds to grief when my heart is involved. First, it was the other CD on Saturday. I healed from that, and now SYG. When will it stop, G-d?? Ugh. When has my heart had enough? When will it not be cut out of my chest and stabbed repeatedly?

    This is all normal stuff. This happens to everyone. Welcome to the Human Race, Tereana.

    Yeah, Okay, fine. I get it. I have to “learn” stuff. But when is it going to happen that I can learn and grow and still have what I want? Why is it that happiness is always on the other side of grief – and I am always in a stupid pot of grief, while happiness eludes me?

    Seriously, G-d. Can we just change the channel on this one?

    ‘K, thanks bai

  446.  #446Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 7:28 am

    Rebekah: 🙁 The worst feeling in the world (from my perspective). You CAN have everything though….EVERYTHING. Please program yourself to believe…please. My heart goes out to you today.

    Much Love,

  447.  #447Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 7:34 am

    Thanks, GingerSky! (354) I was feeling super positive when I wrote that note. And now I’m feeling like WTF??

    I keep doing all this gratitude practice – I’m keeping a journal where I write down lists of things I’m grateful for. I am meditating on abundance, which includes gratitude. I am doing all “the things.” It feels good. But I keep getting the same results/non-results in relationship. Nothing I’ve done has really shifted my “vibe.”

    So, in the end, I feel like, “wow, I’m doing all this work. It’s ‘working’ (sort of). But in the end, I feel like I am just beating my head against the wall.”

    Maybe I should just stop. All of it. Maybe I’ll stop leaning back AND leaning forward. Maybe I’ll stop praying, meditating – doing anything at all. Maybe I’ll stop walking, driving, sitting, standing, eating sleeping, dreaming. Nothing is productive and nothing is “getting” me what I want.

    Maybe I’ll go read Ecclesiastes. That dude knew what was up. You can try your hardest. You can do your best. But in the end, it doesn’t really matter. It’s all useless and futile. And after that – after you don’t give a flying monkey sh*t – you can enjoy your life and do what you want. So pardon me, while I loll in my feelings of utter futility….

  448.  #448Tam on November 28, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Wow Tereana.
    OMG. I just felt a stab in my heart reading that.
    What if, what if, what if….I carry on with my ‘fun but frustrating’ MrP thing, and one day he wants to introduce me to a woman that he names his girlfriend?
    I realise that I would be devastated if somebody else suddenly got the title I seemingly never had.
    I would feel awful.
    Wow. Quite a realisation.
    And more reason why things need to change and I need to take really good care of me and my heart.

  449.  #449Linda on November 28, 2012 at 7:38 am

    I am on vacation for a few days. I am so happy about that but underneath… I feel I might go a bit stir crazy too.

    I heard from two of my three lovely men last night. I was hoping to hear from the long distance(1 hr away) one but did not. He had asked to see me again so I was expecting to have him contact me at some point to set up plans.

    I had an email from him this morning saying that he had concluded that since we had not been able to communicate like we were over the week end and he decided that we should look for someone that fits our lifestyles better. hmmmm thats a new one for me. HA! I heard from him both days and responded via text and email.. but I was not leaning forward.. and responding. I dont get it… so I wrote him an email telling him that I was really excited to find an email from him this morning but disappointed that he had concluded what he did. I stated my truth authentically with feeling messages and that if I had my way I would say NO to his decision but would respect it.

    This is a new one for me ladies… not sure what to make of it. There are so many unseen factors in this stuff. What one man wants and finds acceptable is a no-no turn off to another.!!!! Geez, oh well still on my bridge and vacation days ahead of me.

  450.  #450Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 7:39 am


    “And maybe the fact that I wasn’t really “ready” is why he wasn’t ready with me. Why any of these guys tell me they aren’t “ready.” Is that really true? Or does the guy get “ready” when he meets the right woman? Seems to me that the last part is what’s true – “readiness” is dependent on how he feels with her, and whether or not he wants the relationship to continue. Because if he does, you’d better believe he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that it does (if he’s at least a little bit mature, anyway). ”

    I first want to say I’m so sorry for your experience last night. Oh how painful that must have been… Also, I think what you say above is pretty much true. Men really will get “ready” for the woman who touches his heart. J spent a few years not “ready” to be with me and trust me…being there and him being “not ready” sucks!

    Don’t answer this if you don’t want to but maybe think about it: Do you think you give your heart away too quickly?

    My grandmother taught me that there are very few people in this world worthy of your heart and your tears. She told me to make him earn both and not to give either away freely or easily.

    I did not always follow that advice but…it’s pretty good stuff.

    Much Love,

  451.  #451Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 7:47 am

    Wow Tereana

  452.  #452Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 7:53 am

    This is the second time I am reading about a woman showing up unannounced to a man’s apartment. Only to experience in some form


    What does this teach me? Cdate. Men do it until they commit.

    Never go to a man’s place uninvited. The heartbreak I might experience might be too much for me to bear.

    Men are always looking for their ideal relationship/one and they know when they find it. They are willing to label/commit when they do.

  453.  #453Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 7:53 am

    @445 (((((Tereana)))) – Sweetie, I totally feel for you. I’m so sorry. I know how it feels to have “all the men you think you have” just suddenly get girlfriends, drop out, or disappear.

    I hear you beating yourself up. There is no reason to do that! You took a chance. You LIVED. You are alive, vital, feeling, soaring, and yes, sometimes crashing.

    The only thing I would have done differently would have been to really feel your shock, disappointment, and sadness right in front of the guy.

    I promise you, it has an effect on them, an effect that makes them FEEL. don’t try to “pretend” you feel okay, when you don’t.

    that’s really the only thing I would have done differently.

    Otherwise, just try to really focus on you and making yourself feel good again. Make a list of everything you love about yourself; from your hair, to your quirky sense of humor, to your compassion towards people.

    Love on yourself. Forgive yourself. Do things that make you happy.

    and as cliche as this sounds, just give it time.

    I feel so sad that you are hurting like this…:(

  454.  #454Linda on November 28, 2012 at 7:55 am

    447 Terena

    Sending you… a I totally get it nod.

    Feel those feelings, I sure have lived there. Reading your post feels familiar. I have said those very things and believed them. It seemed like it took so much energy for me to maintain it though. Like I was dragging around boat anchor or in the Scrooge movie the ghost of Marley, dragging the chain and weight of his deeds and thoughts of what he had forged in life. Yuck

    I will never tell anyone not to feel the way they do but will ask them to consider how it would feel to not refuse to invest any energy in thoughts that drag and weigh them down and do not produce anything they need/want in their life.

    Being open feels so much better than being closed to me.. my dad (rest his soul) said ” any day above ground is a good day” Find one thing that sparks a happy, good feeling deep down inside and let your mind rest there.

    Sending you a understanding hug…

  455.  #455Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 7:57 am

    @452 Feminine Woman – I see where you’re coming from, but I disagree a little bit. She was kind of following her feelings. maybe this was meant to happen. if she hadn’t followed the weird positive vibe she was getting, she may have never known about the gf, and would still be in the dark.

    I do agree to CDate though. Helps you feel better about yourself when you do find out a guy you like “has a gf” and didn’t bother to tell you.

    (not that he necessarily has to, but if he knew you cared about him on some level, it would have been nice for him to break things off.)

  456.  #456MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 8:06 am

    A few months ago G went away to visit family for a couple weeks. About halfway through something came into my mind telling me he was using craigslist to look for women to meet. I didn’t ignore that, but there was nothing I could do or say about it so I let it go.

    I feel all shakey, like this is a confession.

    Some of you may remember my feeling post from saturday. It may gain new meaning now.

    Yes, I found out I was correct. It was not a sexual thing, but he was open to meeting other women nonetheless.

    Back then, I knew something was not quite right with us. It’s why I came here to the blog in the summer.

    It felt like a BLOW to the gut to gain this knowledge. WTF am I supposed to do about this NOW? I feel in the moment, and I will not bring the past into the present. Nor can I blame him for it. We were not on solid ground at that time. Even I had one foot out the door. So his being open to meeting others does not come as a surprise.

    What feels kind of crazy is that I trust him more than ever. I also trust myself more than ever. And after processing through the feelings that came up on saturday I have this newfound peace and calm. Compassion and empathy. I feel strong. Not scared. Maybe a little confused. Definitely more open than ever before.

    If I had gained knowledge like this 6 months ago I would have FREAKED OUT. I would have left. I would have felt completely betrayed. I even tried to feel that on saturday, but I just didn’t. I was really calm.

    I don’t know why i’m writing this. But all the feelings and realizations that went with this feel so important and powerful. As if this is somehow SERVING me in some way, and not destroying me.

  457.  #457Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 8:07 am

    Iamabutterfly – Notice I said “What does this teach me?”. These are the lessons I choose to take away from the experience.


    Not comment about what another woman should or shouldn’t do. No comment about right or wrong.

  458.  #458Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 8:10 am

    Thanks for sharing that MissStix.

  459.  #459Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 8:13 am

    #445 ((( Tereana )))

    Pain in the heart and teary eyed reading your post. Take good and gentle care of yourself Siren.

  460.  #460Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 8:21 am

    MissStix: I’m curious about your feelings on this (because they don’t match mine at all – from when I was in that situation and I love your heart’s reaction WAY better than mine).

    You said “Yes, I found out I was correct. It was not a sexual thing, but he was open to meeting other women nonetheless.”

    Is this something he told you about and explained that it wasn’t sexual? Maybe his words and being able to be open and honest with you about it is what allows you to feel so calm?? I think that would help some…I mean knowing he didn’t ever have to bring it up and tell you but did anyway might be what encourages your heart to feel good about it. Or did you find out another way and then talk to him about it? Or does he know you know?

    I don’t mean to be so nosy. I’m sorry. Just bringing back memories of finding out something similar with J and how incredibly different I handled it. (My way didn’t work so well though…we changed nothing and ended up really, really hurting).

    It’s a struggle for me to understand because I was sooooo different (nothing calm about me at all). That’s just me though and certainly not something I want to project. It just feels so good reading that you can see and know something like that and feel at peace with it.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Much Love,

  461.  #461MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I still have thoughts. I could walk away from all the present goodness in light of the past. It would be a calm and strong thing to do.

    And then, I think it is calm and strong to stay here, continue to be amazing. Let him love me. Love him back.

    I’m having vivid dreams.

    I’m feeling electric skin feelings.

    Tingly crackly feelings.

    Sick in my stomach feelings. Not when I think of what was happening then, but when I have a sudden realization that it doesn’t bother me that much and i’m letting it go.

    None of it feels bad. I haven’t even cried about it. I can’t say I feel numb. I don’t feel numb. I feel many things. Mostly I feel ancient and wise and un-touchable. I feel a little “outside looking in” when I am with him now. I feel empathy when I look at him and the question pops in my head “What’s going on in there?” but I have no speculation. I feel so little tension when I speak my feelings to him now. Last night, and this morning it was very noticable. I also have urges to hold HIM and tell HIM “it’s ok. It’s all ok. we are safe.”. Which is where my confusion feelings reside.

  462.  #462Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 8:33 am

    aaawww MissStix I feel so safe reading your words

  463.  #463BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 8:38 am

    Thanks Mercedes! Yes I can have it and I am determined to work towards it, not by telling him what to do, but by continuing to express my feelings about the situation when and if the moment prevents its self. Right now tho I don’t feel the urge to bring it up, because he has been not talking about other woman in his life around me for about two weeks or so, and this leaves me feeling much more at ease. Not gonna lie tho, a little curious as well..
    Iam going to keep telling myself this shift is because of my behavior and words about the subject. And that he is doing it out of respect towards me and my wished and feelings!
    I feel hope and happiness to think we are moving forward, and that even tho I have these little fears Iam not letting them run my life and determine my actions.. I am GREAT!

  464.  #464Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Rebekah: Now THAT sounds amazing!! 🙂

    Much Love,

  465.  #465MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 8:41 am

    He doesn’t know I know…

  466.  #466MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 8:44 am

    I’ve not decided yet, how to tell him. I desire to tell him. I don’t know how, or if it’s right.

  467.  #467BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 8:47 am

    465-466. 🙁 I so know this feeling.. I so days wish I didn’t. ((You))

  468.  #468Ulii on November 28, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Ah….I finally finished my translation… 32 hours without sleep,I feel delusional. But at the same time happy & relieved it got done. And finally earned some much needed money.

  469.  #469BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 8:50 am

    464- haha I laugh after reading my words, cuz I know my gremlins are giggling at me, saying I am fooling myself. Lol but it’s a funny feeling, there jeers are almost pushing me to be stubborn and tell them, I don’t care. I will believe what I wanna believe!

  470.  #470Mercedes on November 28, 2012 at 8:51 am

    465-466 – I’m no help with that one. 🙁 It feels like you will make the right decision about what to do though. Sounds to me like you are in a good place with it regardless so my feeling is that you will proceed in the way that is most true to your heart.

    Much Love,

  471.  #471BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 8:51 am

    MissStix- you have been n my mind a lot the past few days, I found myself wondering about you and how you are, idk why, but I’m just gonna keep thinking about you and see if I discover why. No worries in a non creeper way;)

  472.  #472Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 8:53 am

    “I observed all the happenings beneath the sun, and I found that all is futile and pursuit of wind.

    A twisted thing that cannot be made straight,
    a lack that cannot be made good.

    I said to myself: ‘Here I have grown richer and wiser than any that ruled before me…And my mind has zealously absorbed wisdom and learning.’ And so I set my mind to appraise wisdom and to appraise madness and folly. And I learned – that this, too, was pursuit of wind:

    For as wisdom grows, vexation grows;
    to increase learning is to increase heartache.”

    ~ Koheleth, Ecclesiastes


    I know what that guy is talking about.

  473.  #473MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 8:54 am


    Think of me all you want 🙂

  474.  #474Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 8:54 am

    And talking. Maybe I should just stop talking and shut the heck up for once in my life…I am just talking people out of me

  475.  #475MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 8:55 am


    I know, too.

  476.  #476Starla on November 28, 2012 at 8:55 am

    okay i skimmed to try to catch up on comments but a lot of them are really long and i’m 1. lazy, and worse (2) i’m at work.

  477.  #477Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 8:56 am

    MissStix – What I get from your posts is you taking responsibility for your feelings.

    You suggest that you had one foot out the door.
    I sense that the ancient and wise feeling might be coming from the place of trusting yourself and knowing that you have a choice. Knowing you can choose to leave. This feels like power to me.

  478.  #478MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 8:57 am


    Thank you for your faith in me. It means a lot!

  479.  #479Starla on November 28, 2012 at 9:11 am

    oi all this relationship stuff, navigating, changing myself, etc., its’ giving me a headache!

  480.  #480MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 9:14 am


    It does feel that way to me too.

    I feel no urgency to take any kind of action. The only thing I have desired to “do” is be more open and warm and receptive and honest.

    Something in my gut right now is telling me it would be best to bring it up, and I have all the time in the world to feel ready and approach it gently.

  481.  #481Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 9:19 am

    FW #452 – I know what you are talking about, that it is a bad idea to go to a man’s place uninvited. In the past, maybe the other two times I did it with SYG, it wasn’t the best idea. But it might not have been the worst idea, either.

    In this case, even though what I encountered was not “fun,” I strongly believe that I was “meant” be placed in that situation. The way that it happened was so fluid and natural.

    The pull to go to his house was VERY strong. It wasn’t like an idea I had in my head, like “Oh, I’d like to go see him!” It was more like “I don’t want to go over there, but this feeling is very strong, so I am just going to follow it.” I hadn’t seen him in two months. He’d been on my mind. And, that feeling that was pulling me was like a string from outside my body. I tried to resist. But it was like made of steel or something. A tractor beam.

    G-d was like, “Hey, come over here, I have to show you something.”

    And I’m like, “dammit! That wasn’t what I wanted to see.”

    But it was what I HAD to see it.

  482.  #482ruth on November 28, 2012 at 9:20 am

    Hi again ladies
    I cant beginto imagine
    413 Heart, actually asked why I had told him about my feelings and heat kind of effect did I expect it to hae if not to make him feel guilty
    That looks a bit different i guess
    Anyway, its academic I guess

  483.  #483ruth on November 28, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Hi again ladies
    I cant beginto imagine
    413 Heart, actually asked why I had told him about my feelings and heat kind of effect did I expect it to have if not to make him feel guilty
    That looks a bit different i guess
    Anyway, its academic I guess

  484.  #484Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 9:26 am

    I’m feeling kind of embarassed about how oblivious i was with JackCD. Been feeling so insecure lately. Seeing this new girl putting out her calm, completely secure vibe makes me feel a little uneasy.

    She dated his roommate. (his more socially adept roommate. his less socially adept roommate asked ME out for coffee, once.) So I am sure she has been over at their place, showing off her domestic skills and being as charming as ever.

    I can tell she is a nice, sweet girl. But she’s not me, and I really do love myself!

    She’s not sassy, outspoken, or sarcastic like me.

    and if he wants someone that’s not that, then he doesn’t really want ME.

    I feel really scared of losing him. I kind of feel like I already have.

    I feel okay without him, but I think it may just be because being alone for me feels so much less scary than letting someone get close to me.

    I feel like I need to tell him how much I miss him next time I see him. and I need to tell him how scared I feel of letting him get any closer to me, but also that I feel scared of losing him too, and that I feel like I kinda already have.

    I’ve actually practiced saying this to him when I’m by myself. and I usually end up feeling sad and crying. and then I feel angry and scared again.

    I feel forgiving of myself, though. I know I am capable of putting out MY OWN completely secure vibe.

    and I’m so proud of myself, because I’ve had so much to overcome to get to that place.

    I also need to tell him that I feel confused, because most guys who are interested in me call me, text me, message me, and invite me to do things with them.

    He hasn’t (or doesn’t) do any of those things, in a long time at least.

    but I just know that he cares about me; by the way he used to always unexpectedly show up in places I was, by the way he used to follow me around like a lost puppy dog, by the way he used to get extremely jealous when I talked to other guys.

    By the way he still gets really happy when he sees me, gets really nervous, sometimes when feeling brave will STILL lock eyes with me like he’s in agony or something. I can tell he STILL really cares about me, but I think he just feels just as confused as I do.

    so, basically we need to communicate. which feels scary to me.

    but if we don’t, nothing is going to move forward.

    and I want it to move forward. just to see what happens.

    just because most guys have never moved forward with me, and I just feel overwhelmingly curious to see what happens after the flirtatious friendship stage. especially with him. because I feel like he tried really hard with me. and maybe I got farther along with him as far as opening myself up than I’ve ever gotten with anyone. and so he does feel really special to me. I think he is a wonderful, gentle, kind, good man.

    I feel embarassed posting all this, but it’s just helping me process. I want to be brave. I want to feel. I want this to stop being Imaginary. I want Real.

  485.  #485Starla on November 28, 2012 at 9:27 am

    hey dominique i think you got spammed on your fb page

  486.  #486ruth on November 28, 2012 at 9:34 am

    thank you for all the support and advice ladies
    helpful as always

  487.  #487Tereana on November 28, 2012 at 9:36 am

    Aww…thanks for all the supportive comments, ladies

    It feels heartening that at least you all “get” how it feels.

    Iamabutterfly – That’s an interesting idea about showing my feelings in front of the guy. That might have been good practice. I nearly did. And maybe you’re right. If nothing else, I guess he would have at least seen my true soul. But I *felt* my feelings, even if I didn’t feel brave enough to show them to him in that moment. And being able to just feel my feelings, to me, is a huge step from where I’ve come in the past – where I would not only block myself from showing them, but block myself from feeling them as well. And they would come out as anger, resentment, blame and self-victimization. This was none of those things. Just a big, deep, juicy plunge in “the soup” as it were.

    In some ways, I showed my feelings (at least it was to me). I showed them by not entering his apartment. And I showed them by saying “No thank you,” to meeting his girlfriend, and putting my head down to turn as I left. he said “good bye” after me, but I just walked away without looking back. We never touched.

    Before my dance class, I sent him a text. I said that it felt like “a blow to my heart. :-(” And I wished him well (I didn’t want to be mean. And there was no anger in my feelings).

    Later, I expressed my feelings to someone else. A man called, and he asked how I was. Rather than put on a “happy face” and say I was fine, I just said I felt sad and I was having a bad day. I didn’t tell him why, of course. But I also didn’t lie about how I was feeling….

  488.  #488MissStix on November 28, 2012 at 9:38 am

    Bringing it back to the present…Working this evening, and tomorrow. The plan is to stay over at G’s tonite, and go home tomorrow. Just like last week. However I have been entertaining the idea of spending both nights at home. Two entire days and nights to spend with just me might feel really relaxing. My mind definitely likes the idea of all that time and space to just ponder and meditate and exist. I have many hours to make up my mind and let him know.

  489.  #489Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 9:39 am

    it just occured to me that maybe the only reason he tried so hard with me is because I was a challenge.

    He doesn’t really have to try that hard with other girls.

    I feel afraid that he just wanted my attention. Once he found out that I really cared about him, he freaked or something.

    that letter. changed him, and changed my vibe too. He liked it. was flattered.

    His reaction felt like I had given him a bloody war flag and all he could comment on was the fabric and the fact that the flag was made in Indiana.

    Ignoring the vulnerability, story, and emotion behind it.

    He saw me shake in front of him, and wanted to be near me.

    I told him it felt so good when he sat close to me. When he did after writing the letter though, I felt scared and angry and froze up.

    It’s just been this constant back and forth ever since. and he’s been moving towards me less and less, it feels like.

    it’s like now, he just kind of test the waters. and it makes me feel great! but shy.

    so I just want to break the cycle. I don’t want to just drop him, though.

    He really helped me heal. and I appreciate him so much, in spite of all the things he does that frustrate me. I know I have frustrated him too!

    and a huge part of a love is forgiveness.

    especially when you are dealing with two flawed, in- the-middle-of-healing individuals.

    I just hope it’s not too late to speak my feelings with him…

  490.  #490BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 9:39 am

    473- 🙂 lol

  491.  #491Iamabutterfly on November 28, 2012 at 9:42 am

    ((((Tereana)))) – your authenticity feels great. so sorry for your sadness, though. 🙁

  492.  #492Femininewoman on November 28, 2012 at 9:50 am

    Tereana – That kind of experience would have dropped my self esteem to rock bottom. I feel challenged thinking about how to erase the experience or stop my mind from constantly looping back to that.

    I was just wondering why. Now I got the answer. I have an experience with an ex where I went to the airport all happy to say goodbye. Only to run into another woman there that I am sure (my intuition) he had used my car to have a liaison with. It is a long story but the baby was with me and I just allowed him to kiss her and said goodbye when I saw the other woman. He kept asking if I did not want to hug him but I did not respond. He later tried to explain that he did not want her there because she had seen him a few days ago but she insisted. I was deeply hurt because we had slept together the night before.

  493.  #493BAB/Rebekah on November 28, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Aww feeling so shaky… Just deleted from my FB a chick N flirts with and hung out with once who totally cracked my confidence and self, I friended her to keep an eye on him months ago, and felt it was time to remove that reminder and temptation from my world!

  494.  #494crushed on November 28, 2012 at 10:00 am

    After the blow up with my guy of 1.5 years and him saying “I just need some time,” I stopped there 3 days later to drop off a basket of clean laundry. We talked for an hour or so and he was very sincere with what he shared. From the beginning he made it clear that due to all of his baggage he wasn’t really capable of maintaining a relationship. But all I heard back then was blah blah who on earth wouldn’t want to find and keep a great partner such as myself (im kidding) so a year later he calmly said “I’ve not been happy with myself for many, many years. I have no license, no steady job and the jobs I have worked on haven’t paid. I spend my entire day focused on where my next ten bucks is coming from and when my depressed day finally draws to an end I come home to find you all beside yourself because I failed to respond to your text asking if I wanted enchiladas.” He basically said “I know you want more from me and at this time I just don’t have anything more inside me to give.” He said he does love me, he just isn’t able to be what im trying to change him into. I said “so 4 days ago I was in a relationship with my boyfriend and I had a home to go to that we share (we stay in a small trailer while our house is being completed) and now what? He replied “you are always welcome here. I enjoy you and like having you with me but its obvious that you’re unhappy because Im not the attention giving, hand holding, gotta be in constant contact type. As I left he gave me one of those perfectly lovely goodbye kisses and said I will call you tomorrow.

    He didn’t call the next day but I was reading the ebook I had purchased about getting the relationship I wanted sooooo I was trying to absorb that and I KNOW his way of thinking was “I told you that you were welcome anytime, I assumed you would have just come over like you do each evening.” I think its easier for him to place blame that way.

    The next day my mother told me about 2 beautiful couches on sale at a second hand store and I bought them for the new house but I needed help moving them. I asked his sister if she could contact him for me since I hadn’t received his new number. He called and his first words were “sorry i didnt call earlier.” He agreed to get them and I texted that I was already at the house clearing the living room and if I happened to leave before they arrived that I intended for them to go in that area. He texted back “k you need anything?” The conversation was light and friendly, he pointed out things in the house to the friend who had helped him, he fiddled with an electric heater, etc. He mentioned thawing a roast that I had bought weeks ago and as I started to pack things up to leave he asked what I had planned on doing when I left and if I would like to join him for dinner. We made the meal and went on to enjoy an absolutely fabulous night. Im not sure I can explain it but it was as though he listened to the dorky things I tend to be interested in for the first time. He was very attentive and comfortable and friendly. No mention of any expectations, disappointments or sadness. When I left he actually said “thank you for staying, this was really nice.” I agreed that it was very nice and suggested a way to prepare the leftover food, which indicated I would not be there tonight to make it (since he wanted some time right?) Plus I want to get some work done on a website I’ve been helping my brother in law with. We exchanged a kiss, I thanked him for delivering the couches and I drove away without asking when id hear from him or some other stupid comment to ruin the moment. I guess if I can speak for the way he “seemed” we had both experienced what it was like to “just be.”

  495.  #495crushed on November 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

    Sorry im so wordy … it was kind of an eye opener to realize I’ve pretty much been the one sabotaging what we do have.

  496.  #496Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 10:01 am

    #474 Tereana

    Good point. On my recent dates I am trying to talk far less than normal and it’s not easy as I chat to anybody and everybody.

    The word LISTEN contains letters as the word SILENT.

    ~~ Alfred Brendel ~~

  497.  #497Silver Moonbeam on November 28, 2012 at 10:02 am

    *contains the same letters…….

  498.  #498Dominique on November 28, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Yes I did Starla, thank you. Hopefully all fixed now.