For Thanksgiving

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It’s so easy to say “Be Thankful” when you’re feeling good and thankful…but I know that if you’re feeling blue…you don’t really feel like thanking anyone for anything.

When you’re not really feeling “blessed,” it’s challenging to say your blessings.

And yet – that’s the way out of the rubble.

That’s the way from the blues to the greens to the yellows, the oranges, the reds….the whole rainbow.

Here’s a simple Exercise my coach, Ryan Eliason, gave me long ago – it’s called The Three Blessings:

Before bed, simply find three things you might consider as blessings in your life, and say them.

For me, I could see my dog and say I feel blessed to have my dog near me.

I could feel blessed that I had a good dinner and a glass of water.

I could feel blessed to have a window next to the bed, so I can see green plants and flowers.

The next night, it might be three different things.

Makes no difference how big or small.

The point is just to bring your attention to something that you can think of like a blessing and that feels like a blessing (no matter what else the thought of anything at all being a blessing triggers in you).

If you try to think of the Three Blessings exercise as a way to “think positively” – you’ll trigger yourself more intensely – so try “formatting” it for yourself this way…

It’s just a way to sort of “clear the lens” you’re looking at the world through.

A way to “readjust” the projector of your perspective.

A way to “reset” your “internal viewpoint.”

A way to work with your mind, instead of focusing on your circumstances.

If you look at the exercise in this gentle way, and do it gently – you might find it kind of fun and good feeling.

For me – my first blessing is you.

The fact that you’re here, that you’re a part of this community, that you care, that you’re sharing love and honoring other women and working hard to change your “view” and try new thoughts on for size, that you’re willing to dive deep into the inner sea of your feelings and let them carry you through the world – that’s magic.

For me, Thanksgiving as a tradition means nothing.

What counts for me is that with a “holiday,” we have a moment where so many of us can say “Thanks” to something – all at the same time.

So my thanks in this moment is for the possibility that exists for each of us – no matter what things look like from behind our “lens.”

Let me know what your Three Blessings are tonight, and though I don’t believe I have any power to bless, if I did, it would feel incredible to be able to shower you all with blessings…so, because it feels so good to even consider it – I’ll just do it.

Blessings to you!

Love, Rori

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623 Comments

  1.  #1Rose on November 24, 2011 at 7:25 am

    Thank you for this Rori..I’m feeling thankful today for many things..

    I am thankful for my sweet handsome little son

    I feel thankful to my mother who takes care of him so I can work, date etc..

    I feel thankful to have the relationship I want and communicate feelings easier now thanks to Rori..

    And thankful to myself for taking such good care of myself like never before and being loving and forgiving..

    Happy Thanksgiving Rori and to all you lovely ladies..



  2.  #2Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 7:52 am

    Tenny

    re 467 from previous post

    I know exactly what you mean. I am pretty new on Sirens Island too and I’ve been talking about it to my friends and either they don’t agree or they don’t understand or they find it too hard! Most of my friends are not happy with their own love life and they don’t agree that THEY have to change their attitude and habits to make things change. Since I’m hear (just a few weeks), I’ve learn so much about myself and I realised that I do have fears and nasty voices that I have to work on. I always thought that I was not afraid of commitment and intimacy but reading at the Sirens posts, I realised I actually was and that this might have always been the source of most of the problems I had in my previous relationships. I know a lot more about myself since I’m here and I am still in a learning process but I feel so confident and excited about becoming a siren! Welcome to the blog Tenny!

    xoxo



  3.  #3Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Oh and happy thanksgiving to all the American Sirens!!!



  4.  #4April Rose on November 24, 2011 at 8:00 am

    Blessings to you too, Rori!

    And thank you.
    Thanks to you I now have the blessing of feeling cared for by the man I live with. It’s only six weeks since I’ve been listenng to and practicing the tools in Reconnect. I love that program so much.
    Especially the practice of opening to receive the love of a hundred men. Feels great!



  5.  #5Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 8:29 am

    Three Blessings



  6.  #6Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 8:34 am

    (sorry for last post, I pressed submitt too early, meh, touch screen phone!)

    My Three Blessings:

    I feel blessed to have the job I have that gives me great benefits, decent salary so I can afford everything I need and mostly everything I want, and also a lot of vacation days sk I can enjoy life.

    I feel blessed for having find Rori and this community an to learn a lot about myself.

    I feel blessed for amazing parents who support me in everything I do and who love me without conditions!

    I love this exercice. I already feel so much better and I just want to smile!



  7.  #7Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 8:40 am

    I woke up this morning feeling thankful for my life, the fact that I have learned how to focus my attention into my body to feel and explore my feelings, to loosen up the areas where tension is lodged, to touch those areas and send healing energy to them, to release the anger and resentment, to forgive myself and accept all my past experiences as lessons and blessings. I really explored dropping my thoughts to my pelvis and stopping my mind from thinking.

    I feel really blessed to have found this site and this work. Thanks Rori. Thanks Dominique. Thanks to all the people here who share their stories and help me to realize that I am not alone. We are all in this together, both the good and the bad. I feel deeply blessed.



  8.  #8VW on November 24, 2011 at 10:02 am

    My morning didn’t have a good start…and no “gratitude” feeling for me…:(

    and then, I remember about grief…yes, that was the feeling i was fighting to feel…:(

    i used Rori’s tool on “grief” from a few posts back…and amazing shift…

    making peace with many goodbyes this year …grieving over each and every one…accepting the old for what it was…and ready to move to the new…

    so, yes Rori, I feel deep appreciation and gratitude for your work and for each Siren willingness to show herself in her raw form…the good and the not so good…and through the experience support each others healing…

    Happy Thanksgiving…



  9.  #9Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 10:24 am

    I don’t feel like a siren today. I had an awfull lunch with P. I couldn’t control myself.

    Doing baby steps for 3 weeks now. And I just did a geant step backward. I feel ashamed and mad. I feel unproud. I totally leaned foward and proved him that nothing has changed. He will certainly never want to see me again. I should focus on something else, but this makes me feel so sad. I wantto be able to be a siren and use my new siren’s tools with him. I don’t understand why I come back like I use to be before. I feel powerless.

    I am wondering how I’m gonna fix this. Any suggestions?



  10.  #10April Rose on November 24, 2011 at 10:50 am

    Lizka,

    How about a nice big cuddle from you to you.
    Loving you for who you are, even if it feels like you messed up.



  11.  #11femmystique on November 24, 2011 at 10:51 am

    Blessings to all Sirens and Happy Thanksgiving

    This topic by Rori is so true – I call it “Living in an Attitude of Gratitude”

    This is a powerful tool to shift us from overfunctioning and having expectations that prevent us from being grounded in our reality.

    I feel blessed to have two ‘unbelievably good’ children
    I feel blessed to have a good job that takes care of me
    I feel blessed with good health and a clear conscience



  12.  #12Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Thank you April Rose! An happy event happened at work and it helped me focus on me. I’m gonna start leaning back starting now! 🙂



  13.  #13Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Just remember leaning back goes along with being warm, inviting, and open when he leans forward. Lizka it might be time to get the Reconnect your Relationship CDs.



  14.  #14Mel on November 24, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    Cool! Mr. Architect was invited (by a friend of mine) to attend a dinner party in a couple weeks. I asked him if he’d like to go… figured there was no way to do this without leaning forward… But I said that I would totally understand if he didn’t want to go (and I meant it). He said Sure! It sounds like fun! Then I asked him what he wanted to do about travel (it’s a few hours away) and at first he suggested a super posh hotel he’s always wanted to stay at… but then said “or maybe we could stay with my brother… that might be awkward… hmm… but it might be a good opportunity to meet some of my family!”

    Not sure what to think of this. I wonder why the awkwardness?

    At any rate, I’m not taking it to mean a whole lot, but it at least bumps me up one notch from “secret lover” status! 😉



  15.  #15Wants To Be Hopeful on November 24, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    I am thankful that he has cut back to drinking only on the weekends now. I really hope that lasts. I think he cut back because of the changes in my behavior. I am thankful that he doesn’t snap at me as much anymore. And he doesn’t criticize me as much either.

    I am thankful that I am learning to set boundaries better. I even had to use my new skills at work, and the result was amazing. I now have a great working relationship with the coworker in question.

    I am thankful for this site and Rori’s work and all those who inspire her. Thank you Rori.



  16.  #16Daria on November 24, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    Hello I told a cd who canceled on me super last minute…

    ‘I’m not interested anymore’

    He kinda apologized but not to where I actually felt good.

    Then he called and was trying to engage me and u think I said, mm i felt mas. Yeah that did not feel cool. actually I’m just not interested anymore.

    So he says so you want me to stop calling you.

    I said yes.

    It was all warm and open though.

    Yay me for my first No.

    I wonder if he’ll come back in a few months.

    I can do the same w cd who triggers me w put down blame criticism. Cuz of my dad. I get the NV everyone is like this (so I should accept it and tolerate it )

    Hmmm

    That even makes sense right now to me but

    I don’t want to tolerate it.

    So I will say i dobt want to be puts me down, blamed or criticized. I feel open to you if I think u can offer me something different…it feels so good when im connected w u

    That’s it or more truth

    I know it might take a long time or even impossible for him to change – but that’s not true – just another belief I learned

    That comes about my dad.

    And actually is not my business and it can switch miraculously.

    And I will say no, I’m not available now. I feel open to seeing you again when talking to you I feel secure that I will be treated well with respect.

    Yay.

    And if he doesn’t want to do that, that’s fine, that’s what I require and I’ve already shifted my attention to receiving fromm anywhere.



  17.  #17Daria on November 24, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    I have been enforcing lots of boundaries but This one I havent been enforcing, probably cuzi was not enforcing it with my dad.

    When I feel my power and imagining my magical change it seems clear that the man is just waiting for me to say ‘No’ so he can heal.

    He even brought up randomly that he did some horrible thing when he was 14 15 and it seems to me like a sign that deep level stuff is activated in this.

    And from here on I can say no to my long term lover with the same speech.

    I noticed I feel scared of you often and i font want that I’m not available to see you. I feel open to see you when talking with you I feel sure that I will feel safe and respected the whole time. And worshipped. Like a goddess.

    Yeah !

    I can tell these poor two men are Dying to heal, but they think they cant. They need me to be their motivation.

    Amd then I will be saying No to my dad too and my family will heal.

    It’s finally here, the healing. Weee.



  18.  #18Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    FW

    Re 13

    Oh! I am definitly warm and inviting. But he doesn’t lean back. Never. I don’t think I will buy Reconnect your Relationship. I feel it’s hopeless. We are not in a relationship anymore, and he is not open at all to reconnect it. I know I should have give up a long time ago, but it’s a weird situation… I will more concentrate on being a siren with other men. I’m not to bad at it. With my 2 new CDs, I used the tools 100% of the time and it’s working pretty well so far. They seem to be really into me. Even with E it’s working. We’ve been dating on and off for 5 years but never as intense as we are doing since I have been using the tools with him. So I do think that I have a good understanding of the concept, but for an unknown reason, I just can’t control myself when I’m around P. I’m thinking of giving up now. It makes me feel sad to think of that. I don’t see what else I can do. This guy will never commit to something else than to his trips around the world. He’s a big traveler and a big dreamer. Something like a peaceful relationship with a loving girlfriend doesn’t seem to be interesting for him.



  19.  #19Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Hum now that I re read my last post, that sounds pretty blamey…



  20.  #20Ella on November 24, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Hey Sirens,

    Having a few issues.

    This post is a bit icky and may be triggering to some Sirens. Apologies in advance, I just want to be really honest about what is happening for me and the judgmental and horrid thoughts I have been having…. I reallyhope I do not offend anyone cus I love you all.

    So I met up with SSU CD today. And he brought lunch and came and met me to help me put our posters and give out flyers for my business…

    And I have been feeling a lil bit offish about the whole scenario… like, hmmmm, I don’t know if I feel attracted.

    So the first thing I thought when I saw him, makes me feel ashamed to say, and it was ‘omg, he is really fat!’ and then I felt like a total biatch.

    Anyway I got in the car and I don’t know I was just sitting there feeling kinda uncomfortable and judgemental of him.

    I sat and riffed to myself.

    After we ate we went to do the marketing. He was talking and he said a few comments that just felt really BAD, about how this whole group of people are just stupid and unintelligent.

    I HATE that kinda of generalisation and ignorant attitude and I felt really angry, triggered and judgemental.

    Bearing in mind this guy has been nothing but sweet and nice to me. And I just find it such a turn off. When people put down groups of people and display judgemental, chauvenist style attitudes.

    And he was saying it as a joke, I think to try and impress me. And I didn’t find it funny at all, it just felt icky, so I didn’t laugh, and it kinda all fell flat. And the whole vibe kinda went flat.

    And he did this a couple of times and then on the second time I said ‘hearing that feels really bad’. And later I told him hearing that stuff makes me feel uncomfortable.

    I hate hearing people biatching about other people… its a massive turn off for me.

    And I feel really worried that he will just I am drama and have no sense of hunour, however I am not going to laugh at something that just feels bad.

    And I felt judgemental of him.

    And I also felt judgemental of his clothes… he turned up in some Addidas tracksuit bottoms and trainers, and that kinda outfit makes me feel immediately judgemental, its sooo unsexy.

    But he trawled around the shops with me while I did my promotions.

    And then when he was dropping me off I could tell he wanted to kiss me and I just felt like ‘NOOOOO!!! Ewww, I don’t want to kiss!’

    I felt afraid. Like running. Felt like fight or flight reaction.

    So I kinda jumped out the car.

    Thing is before I have felt attracted to him… and well, just good about how he treats me… and when he kissed me before, on date 2 I was suprised it felt quite nice although I did not let him use tongues and I pulled away quite soon.

    Well since then I have expressed to him everything above… about feeling unsure and feeling turned off hearing people being judged as stupid and unintelligent. And also about feeling unsure about being physically attracted, which felt SCARY to say.

    And the underlying thought is ‘I can’t marry this fat, unattractive man… what if he turns out to be horrible. Then I will be married to a fat, unattractive, horrible man!’

    And I know I don’t actually have to marry him… but I know he REALLY, REALLY likes me, and he makes no secret about how he feels and what he wants with me.

    And I feel so bad about myself for thinking this way and being so judgemental.

    Anyway I expressed to him and he said he doesn’t know about if it would work if I do not feel physically attracted, however he IS very attracted to me, and he is sorry about the bad comments about people… and that won’t happen again.

    I want to give him a chance, and I feel confused and scared.

    Any ideas, thoughts, feelings?

    Sorry again for the triggering words and thoughts… sometimes I feel like a horrible person.



  21.  #21Daria on November 24, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    mmm my tummy tight and heart a lil bit faster hearing my dad talk in that tone

    sigh

    sigh

    open pelvis



  22.  #22Daria on November 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Ella – sounds like you’re doing great and working through some stuff and it’s bringing up uncomfortable stuff to feel through



  23.  #23Ella on November 24, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    I just feel so angry…

    Like he just randomly made a joke about how this whole group of people are so thick and shouldn’t be allowed to breed cus they are already too inbred.

    And then proceeded to give me examples of why this whole group of people are stupid.

    And I asked ‘so you think that every single one of these people must be stupid?’ and he said yes they are!

    Grrrrrrrr.

    I feel sick, and furious.

    I don’t want that.

    And I am just feeling so angry right now I don’t know how to commuincate with him without being blamey.



  24.  #24Daria on November 24, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    ELLA – omg i would feel so uncomfortable too! and mad yeah



  25.  #25River Girl on November 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Ella,
    Could it be that he is just showing you who he is? Are you angry because you wanted him to be someone different. Is that why he now looks ugly to you?



  26.  #26Tiffany on November 24, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Wow. I came to the blog today to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, and I am so blessed to have read this post from Rori. What a beautiful thought! Thank you!



  27.  #27River Girl on November 24, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Oh wow! It’s been so long since I posted here that my comments are going into moderation!



  28.  #28Ella on November 24, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    I just expressed to him that I feel angry and turned off.

    Hmmm this feels uncomfortable and icky.



  29.  #29Tiffany on November 24, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    I think I am experiencing exactly what Rori mentioned. It’s hard for me to feel fully grateful, knowing that my financial situation isn’t just bad, it feels so precarious, I don’t even know what’s going to happen, or how on earth I am going to pay my bills for the next months.

    And yet I AM so grateful. I feel grateful for the sympathetic manager @ the bank, who is going to try to help me. I feel grateful to my friend & her family for inviting me to thanksgiving dinner. And I feel wonerfully grateful & blessed to have a lovely man to hang out with later, after dinner. And another man who is texting me from his trip to see family. And a guy friend who sent me a cute thanksgiving message. I feel wonderfully and totally blessed. Yes, Universe, you have blessed me immensely. And it has not escaped my notice. Thank you so much!!

    (and p.s. of course I am grateful for this blog, and for all of you, suppprting me, supporting each other on our journeys. Thank you sirens! )



  30.  #30RiverGirl on November 24, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving Sirens!

    A test post to see if I am going into moderation for writing my name differently



  31.  #31RiverGirl on November 24, 2011 at 2:36 pm

    Ok, well it worked that time but my other posts have disappeared altogether.

    Ella,

    Can’t remember exactly what I wrote before but I wonder whether SSU is just showing you who he is. Could your anger be because he is not who you wanted him to be? Could that be why he looks ugly to you now?



  32.  #32Ella on November 24, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    Urgh….

    I said ‘I feel angry and turned off’

    He asked why.

    I said what I heard him say earlier and how it made me feel furious, angry and turned off.

    He said ‘Ok sorry but I can’t change who I am and if I am going to make you angry then I won’t talk’

    I didn’t reply.

    Then ten mins later from him ‘ok will respect your anger and won’t be in touch again. Take care’

    I replied ‘Wow. Ok. That feels bad’

    Him ‘Well its not what I want but would rather that than you turned off me’

    I haven’t replied.

    Feel a bit sick.

    Miss CD1. Want him back.

    Or maybe I just feel lonely and disparing.



  33.  #33Ella on November 24, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Rivergirl re 29

    Yes possibly.

    Cus I got all excited feeling that he seemed so great… and now I feel so deflated and flat.

    Earlier this week he was being so sweet and supportive when I was struggling with my finances.

    I feel so disappointed.



  34.  #34RiverGirl on November 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    ((Ella))
    So he had some good qualities too, but now he is showing you that he has different values and that’s good too because it makes room for men who share your values…there are lots who do.



  35.  #35Ella on November 24, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Thanks Rivergirl.

    I just feel so disappointed right now and like giving up.

    What is the point.

    🙁

    Feeling sulky.

    I want to lean forward to CD1.

    I feel insecure and afraid in case I can’t manage on my own.

    I feel weak and scared.

    I suppose I will just sit here with my feelings.



  36.  #36Starla on November 24, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    i am in a much better mood now. forced myself out of bed, did my hair up with a pretty barrette and off to the store i went, feeling beautiful. CF called to wish me a happy day, and tried to get his baby niece to talk to me hehe cute.

    we talked about how we were both enjoying the holidays and looking forward to them for the first time in our lives (we have effed up families and xmas birthdays, both of us). and he said ‘we’re a really positive influence on each other.’ he’s right. reminds me of my best friend, whom i am seeing soon! i’m making brussel sprouts with bacon and onions and deviled eggs to bring to her dinner:)

    feeling grateful



  37.  #37luzydel on November 24, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    I am feeling lonely

    I have no one to talk around and no one to talk on the phone. I which I was cding, but men are not finding me attractive lately…I feel empty



  38.  #38Ella on November 24, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    (((((Luzydel)))))

    I am feeling lonely too.

    xoxox



  39.  #39Ella on November 24, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    I am feeling lonely on the blog too toda.. not many Sirens around, maybe cus it is Thanksgiving in USA?

    We don’t celebrate that here but Happy Thanksgiving to those who do.

    Things I am thankful for today are that I have the opportunity to run my own business doing what I love and connecting with women.

    And also that I have recently recieved some money which was much appreciated at the moment.

    And also for all the Messenger Men who have come into my life to show me stuff.

    And I am hopeful that I can find the strength to face Christmas without a boyfriend, which would be a first for me, and stay true to myself even when I feel weak and afraid.

    And the strength to keep saying no to what I don’t want, until what I do finally shows up, when I am good and ready.



  40.  #40Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Owww, what are deviled eggs?



  41.  #41Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    Feels bad to express real honest feelings and have a man go ‘oh, ok well I will walk away then!’

    Blech.

    Ok, whatever.

    NVs saying maybe I am making a big deal of nothing, and actually I don’t think so.

    My truth is it felt bad what he said.

    Like when I was much younger and I had an ex who was racist!

    Ick.



  42.  #42Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    Ok well that was my first experience of being offered a ring… well apart from once when I was much, much younger.

    And although I didn’t want the offer in the end it felt good to be asked.

    I have decided to feel good about this and just doubly commit to myself.

    It felt good to be out there promoting my business and it felt good to let a man totally step up and worship me and see what that felt like.

    My life feels pretty good right now, although I intend to make my classes busier still.



  43.  #43Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Lizka Rori’s work is about working on yourself, a lot of inner work. Even though it is called Reconnect your Relationship it is still about a lot of personal inner work and how to be with men, not necessarily about focussing on any one man or relationship. I believe it could help you hang on to yourself, regardless of what a man is saying or doing. But it is your choice.



  44.  #44Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    Lizka re 9,

    Be gentle with yourself.

    It takes time to change habits.

    xoxox



  45.  #45Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Ella I always think that anger is a strong emotion. I am struggling to understand why what he said would cause you to feel angry. I guess because I am also thinking that he must not like himself very much to be talking about people like. Seem to me like he must be projecting in some way. I am feeling compassion for him. Maybe I would have had to tell him that I felt turned off by his comments and might need to remove myself from his presence so that I can feel turned on again. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t respect others as it would not inspire me to respect him.



  46.  #46Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    FW I have no idea why I am feeling so angry.

    I ALWAYS feel angry when hear people make sweeping statements about a group of people like that they are so stupid and inbred.

    I do feel some compassion for him.

    Maybe Rivergirl was onto something that I wanted him to be something and he is turning out not to be what I hoped!

    I didn’t even realise I had expectations.

    Maybe I overreacted…

    And also when I expressed how I felt he just kinda threw in the towel.

    Which also feels pretty blech to me.



  47.  #47Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Strong judgments based in ignorance trigger GREAT BIG feelings of anger in me.

    I wonder what that is about.



  48.  #48Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:58 pm

    Ok, so do you ladies think I should give him another chance?

    And if so how would I negotiate that being that he is no longer leaning forward… although he was the last person to text.



  49.  #49Ella on November 24, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    I still feel kinda p8ssed though.

    And kinda blechy/ grrrry.



  50.  #50Ella on November 24, 2011 at 5:07 pm

    Hmmm I am noticing often when I mention expressing anger Sirens are suggesting it might be too strong of an emotion to express… however I am feeling resistant to that because for me Rori encourages us to be authentic and express the deepest emotion we can find and be authentic.

    So if I feel angry that is what I need to express.

    Often there is fear underneath, and sometimes it just feels like anger.

    I feel confused about the general consensus that is percieved by me as expressing anger will cause men to leave… and I was to reject this.

    It feels like pressure to conform to this belief esp as a part of me believes/thinks/fears that this is true.

    And another part of me wonders if this kind of auhentic expression can actually open the way for the right man…

    Wondering.

    I’m feeling curious.



  51.  #51Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Ella, Luzydel,

    You’re not alone girls, I am here, not celebrating Thanksgiving either in Canada.

    Big hugs lonely Sirens.

    xoxo



  52.  #52Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 5:19 pm

    FW – Thank you for your advice. I will seriously considere it. 🙂



  53.  #53Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    I’m thinking of something to text to P. I shouldn’t. But I HAVE to tell him that I don’t want him to text me anymore. I learned today that last week, when he texted me “have fun at the charity event”, he also texted it to the other girl who works with me who is her friend. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have duplicate messages and I don’t want messages that are not personalised for me. I want messages because he is interested in me. I want him to text me because he wants to see me or because he misses me. I’m thinking of texting something like this:

    “I am feeling weird about our ‘relationship’. I don’t want to receive messages that are not only about me. I want to receive messages only if a guy is into me and wants to ask me out.”

    What do you think sirens? Do you have any corrections or recommandation on that?

    I know I should not text him, but I DON’T WANT him to text me anymore because if he doesn’t do it for the good reason, I want to be able to forget him.

    Thank you in advance for your help!

    xoxo



  54.  #54LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    I wrote last night:
    “I’m feeling a loving vibe from him.
    We’ll see. I have no expectations except to focus on my own feelings.”

    And right now, I’m crying my eyes out.

    I feel so turmoiled. Something is showing up for me to heal in a big way right now. I feel like I’m resisting to something and I don’t know what.

    D came over 2 nights ago.
    I was in such agony like a train ran over me. You know the 1st day of period inflammation.
    He gave me a long massage allover. I just melted into the sofa. It felt sooooo good.
    He never made any s*xual advances throughout the entire massage.

    Last night he called and came over again. He was very tired and he had just been called into work to start at midnight.
    So thinking of the waterweel, I offered him a massage.
    He got undressed and I “lost it” to lust.
    It was amazing, and as usual he was so giving.
    He never got his massage.
    We went to sleep for an hour and then he got up to go to work. I woke up all drowsy as he walked out the door.

    I am crying my eyes out bc I have not heard one word from him today.
    He has been chasing me like crazy since he got back from vacation.
    I didn’t even want to see him.
    He begged me to give him another chance and start from scratch.
    I asked him last night if he really meant it when he said he wanted to start from scratch.
    He replied that I should think about it.
    It’s not like him to not give me at least a phone call all day.
    I leaned forward and called him, no response.
    He always returned my call withing a half hour, always.
    It’s been 3 hours since I called.
    I held off for almost 2 months…this is so cruel.

    I’m feeling so angry and hurt. I regret having let him in. My walls want to go back up.

    I’ve been crying my eyes out for 2 hours now.



  55.  #55LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    Happy Thanksgiving!



  56.  #56Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:18 pm

    Hi Lili. I feel sorry to read your story. Hope you feel better?



  57.  #57Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    So I am about to send this to P. This is my final version:

    I don’t want to receive any unpersonal messages or messages that are not sent only to me anymore and I don’t want to receive messages that doesn’t demonstrate an interest for me. It makes me feel unspecial and unworthy. I only want to receive messages or call for good reasons like inviting me to go out.

    Is there something really wrong in that?



  58.  #58LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    Hi Lizka,

    I hope you won’t text.

    You should wait until he texts you, to reply your prepared speech.

    Texting him 1st is still leaning forward like you’re trying to get a reaction from him.

    I know how you feel, I just leaned forward myself. It feels icky.
    I’m feeling all needy and clingy all over again.
    I was doing so well.
    I’m trying not to be hard on myself.
    I have to see the good things. Like at least I did alot better than in the past when he did call back a few minutes ago. I didn’t ram into him like I used to (like we say in Quebecois: rentré ddans) lol



  59.  #59Ice Princess on November 24, 2011 at 6:30 pm

    Well, I did it again. I threw a fit when LP was leaving. I am starting to feel at times that I shouldn’t fight this fight anymore and then at other times that this is what I want. I am so torn.



  60.  #60dorothyd on November 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    i ‘m thankful for my mom, my dog, family/friends that make my life a little eaiser day in /out, thankful for life health/strenght in our right minds. Rori, i do have issues i need help with, my self esteem is low ,i’ve gotten older, i find it’s worse. iwas in a relationship for @18 yrs, we have had good/bad times a yr ago ttoday we parted, my heart is still feeling him so strong, i want him back, last feb i finally called him, well, of course he met someone, i backed off, but we r from the same hometown, so, i had to visit for a family function , few dya after getting settle. i called to c if we could get together to talk, but, he was with her he told me they were visitng her mom, i said ok, called him one last time to drop off somethings he had left behind, plus chance to c him. he avoided me, he told me how i hurt him, i should have handle things different, he moved on, so leave thing @ siter;s house on porch if nobody home, i did. the dayi got on plane to return home i was devistated i didn’t c him, i took a deep breath choke dwn tears, the followering day after getting settle ,i get a phone call, what happen w/ her is she lives in a different state from him, she’s separated, but domes to town every few months to visit her parents/ spend time w/him.anyway , he called me when i got home, to say i got home safe, he called again the next day next day eachday we talked a little more, about a month of talking everyday, she’s back, then our talks cut back to maybe once a day or skip a day, she leaves 1st conversation would go back to i threw him away?someone picked him up, he still love me but, we have to work through thing, well, what happens 2nd time she comes back to town for thankgiving, they spend time together but, in between he call me, as he said he would, but sunday i didnit here from him, he called mon afternoon i ask what did they do sunday he said her bro a minister so, they went to church. Rori, i am so in love w/ him, i eat sleep thinking of him/us he coming home. he’s always telling me he love me /he’s coming home. he has some finacial business he has to settle. anyway, i’ve used some of your rules level 1/2, i lfeel, i don’t / i want tolerate,/ what do u think, just by doing thse things, i have been wanting ti hear this forever he told me he has always been in love with me. Rori, i don’t know how to handle keeping him close to me although she is close to him physically as well as mentally when she comes to town, today is thanksgiving night, they r togther right now, i do ok for awhile, but later i go stir crazy if he don;t call. just the other day i was told she feel different than i do, i love you, i like her a lot, but i’m in love with you, i am coming home we going to get it right this time. HELP ME RORI, HOW DO I GET HIM BACK, WHEN WE R SO MANY MILES APART / 3RD PARTY IS PHYSICALLY? WHAT MATERIAL DO I NEED?



  61.  #61Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    Wow! I think it’s a very nice message. I am feeling proud of myself and of my determination. And the message sounds even better in French! And I even got to do FM in French! Wouhou!!! I don’t want his fake attention anymore and I want to concentrate on something else. If he comes back, he’s better do it for the good reasons and if so, I will be warm, open and inviting but in the mean time I will concentrate on my lovely E and on my 2 other CDs. And maybe go find a new one!

    I love this attitude! Yay!!



  62.  #62Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:35 pm

    Thank you Lili. But I really feel that I need to do that. We had a very unpleasant lunch. He is not gonna call me anyway before weeks and I don’t want this situation (he texted me and one of my feeling collegue the SAME message at the same time!!) to happen anymore. And when I got the text I didn’t jnow and I thought he was leaning foward and showing me interest. But it was just some random sh*t sent to half of the girl at my office. I can’t accept that. Don’t you agree that he needs to know?



  63.  #63Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    And he did the same thing a few weeks ago also with the same girl. I was soooo happy that he texted me that I called my best friend the next day to tell her “he made my day, he texted me”. I feel so ridiculous now…



  64.  #64LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Lizka,

    I would cut it shorter. I would just keep:

    “I don’t want to receive unpersonal messages, it makes me feel not special. It feels better to receive messages that show personalized interest, like asking me out.”

    Your lengthier version looks like your ramming into him (rentrer ddans) bc it’s saying the same thing in 3 different ways.
    I also detect a vibe of anger in your last draft. If you are feeling angry, you should express it also to be authentic.

    I’m struggling w FMs myself.

    Would you like to try it out in French my fellow quebecker?
    My 1st language is French, and I took 5 translation courses at the university.



  65.  #65Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:41 pm

    Oh no Lili. I read your messages 2 seconds after sending the text. Arg… I sent exactly that:

    Je ne veux plus recevoir de messages impersonnels ou qui ne s’adressent pas qu’à moi et je ne veux pas recevoir de messages qui ne démontrent pas de l’intérêt. Ça me fait sentir très ordinaire et indigne. Je veux juste qu’on me texte ou qu’on m’appelle pour des bonnes raisons comme pour m’inviter à sortir.



  66.  #66RiverGirl on November 24, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Hi Lizka,

    I know how hard it is not to “do” something. Do you remember Rori’s tool about imagining all the cupids shooting their little arrows. I can’t remember which programme it is in.

    The gist of it is to imagine yourself standing surrounded by men, lots of men, dozens of them, hundreds even. They are all amazed by your siren beauty and they want your attention, they are doing all sorts of things to show how what they can give you. Some are sending roses, opening doors, giving you chocolates, shooting cupids arrows of love in your direction. Whatever you imagine they are doing. Some of them might be sending you silly little texts to try and get your attention. You just have to stand there and maybe catch some of the gifts and others will just fall on the ground around you. You don’t have to do anything, just be open.



  67.  #67luzydel on November 24, 2011 at 6:44 pm

    So “OK” called me and I feel so good now, he is my friend now…

    The story with “OK” is …we were dating while in college for 2 years, he was my first and I was starting to feel “bored”, I met my ex husband and I broke up with him, even though I still had feelings for him; I just did not know Circular Dating then 🙂

    Anyway our lives went on; he got married had two kids now divorced and his life has not been so great, same with me… I found him on FB and we talk a lot over the pone and it feels good that our friendship never faded. He knows me more than any men has.

    However there is no possibility for something more, he lives in a different state far away and we don’t even talk about that anyway; We just enjoy talking and letting things out.



  68.  #68Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    Your shorter version was very good. But it’s too late. Anyway I really hope I won’t have to deal with that again. I think the message will be understood. He will probably stop calling me. But it’s still better that his unpersonnal messages. I think i want to forget about him. That’s how I feel tonight. Doesn’t mean Im gonna feel like that tomorrow. But at least i have a busy weekend and I won’t think of him too much.

    I’d like to stay and ask you about your issue with D, but I really have to go to sleep, big big day tomorrow. Thank you very much ma copine québécoise.

    Big hugs to you.

    xoxo



  69.  #69LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    62:

    Ouch! I so know that feeling Lizka.
    That has happened to me once before.

    Well, in this case I would add a small something at the end:

    “I don’t want to receive unpersonal messages, it makes me feel not special. It feels better to receive messages that show personalized interest, like asking me out. I’m just a girl here, and like all girls, I like to feel special.”

    My lazer technician told me that she met her man at the office when she was a secretary.
    She said he was dating many women at the office, and everyone knew. The women all knew, but still all kept dating him.
    When he asked my lazer tech out, she replied “I can’t go out w you unless you stop dating all the other women. If you’re going to go out w me, it will have to be only me.”
    He did it! He let go of all the other women and asked her out again.
    They now have been living together for 5 years, and he is totally devoted to her and their recomposed family.



  70.  #70Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:50 pm

    Thank you RiverGirl for the message. I haven’t do this program yet. I’m still pretry new. Have only read the ebook and planning to try Modern Siren or Targeting Mr Right as soon as my computer is repaired. I will keep that cupids story in mond. I like it a lot.



  71.  #71LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    67:

    Well Lizka, you did do what felt good to you.

    Bonne nuit, dors bien et bonne grande journée demain. xox.

    Good for you having a busy weekend 🙂



  72.  #72Lizka on November 24, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    Lili, I don’t think he is dating that girl. She is just a friend. He has dozens of female friends. She has a boyfriend but he lives in NYC and I think she’s just an attention seeker (oh ob big judgment). The fact that he sent to both of us the same message just shows me that I’m jyst a friend like her. And I don’t want that.



  73.  #73LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:57 pm

    64:

    You’re probably off to bed by now, but for tomorrow:

    Your French version was direct and decisive. cudos for that. Feels like a girl who knows what she wants and what she likes, self respect.



  74.  #74luzydel on November 24, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    Spending over 200 dollars in e-harmony seems frivolous and I do not want to do that. I hate POF, because it is all the same guys Ugh! OK cupid is ok but I hardly get emails there…I need to find other ways to get dates. I want to start going out with other men.



  75.  #75LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    59:

    IP, what happened?



  76.  #76LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 7:05 pm

    73:

    Luzydel, 200 on eharmony?!?! Yikes!

    I did the personality test and posted my profile. I don’t even have a picture up yet. So far, that’s been for free.
    But when I got my matches, I had to pay a subsription to see their pictures. I could only see their profiles.
    Then i got an email from eharmony offering a 19.95 deal for 3 months or something.
    I don’t want to pay, but it seems to be a more serious site.
    My friend was chatting w someone real interesting on there.
    Destiny brought her back to her hometown, so she had to cut it off w him bc of the distance.
    She met her new husband through me by fluke.
    You never know who’s around the corner unexpectedly.



  77.  #77Butterfly wings on November 24, 2011 at 7:07 pm

    Had a good night with TH last night. I wasn’t really worried if he was coming over or not and he did. And he bought my favorite Thai takeaway too! Yay!

    So all was good last night with lots of cuddles etc and I feel like I’ve let my wall down a little.

    But now I feel icky. We were on the train and I was on FB on my phone and he was doing the same.

    He normally meets one of the boys before work to get coffee so he took out his phone to text him just as I looked over. And what I saw was that darn woman’s name (she’s the one he had drinks with the night of my birthday drinks and the one who stayed at his house in the “spare room” recently. So they’ve been texting each other obviously and it is seriously eating at me!!

    Ok ok it could be totally innocent but it’s still driving me crazy!!! Argh!!!!!!!



  78.  #78luzydel on November 24, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    yes it is like 20 dollars a month if you subscribe for a year…that means like 240 dollars or so…no way!



  79.  #79Butterfly wings on November 24, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    FW- I’m on the bridge but close to falling off. Help!! :-/



  80.  #80Ice Princess on November 24, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    74 Lili,

    He stayed the night and the entire day with us ( my kids and I ) but then wanted to leave to go home when I thought he was going to stay another night. I know I shouldn’t have but I got upset that he was leaving and I asked why he was going and he got all funny with me. I have so many insecurities and that is one of them….I just don’t know how to work through it. My bad feelings are less than they used to be but they are certainly still there. Ugh!



  81.  #81Ice Princess on November 24, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    BW, that is frustrating. Especially not knowing what exactly they are texting about.



  82.  #82Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    Ella I am remembering an email where Rori suggests that with those negative emotions we should just feel them. With the positive emotions we should share them. I think the missing link for you is the lesson that expressing the anger is teaching you. I would look over ever recent incident to see what eventually happened. I have also learned from Rori that many times anger is a cover for the real emotion, fear.



  83.  #83Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    BW you can stay on. It is your choice. Until you can allow it sink to into your psyche that you have choices no one can convince you of that. Stay on your bridge. Don’t hook your hopes on any one man. You have to stay focussed on what your relationship dreams look like. Remember Rori uses a lot of visualizations and imaginations to work on the insides? I would encourage you to do so.



  84.  #84LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 7:39 pm

    Urk, I hate this clingy needy feeling. Ok, I know I’m supposed to love my feelings.

    Gotta show myself some compassion for falling off the horse now.

    Not only did I call him, but I invited myself along tomorrow night. Urk, double needy and clingy!

    I had all these paranoid NVs telling me he was out on a date.
    He returned my call to say that he was on all fours installing a ceramic floor with his cousin and his phone was in his coat pocket.

    I still made progress through it though.

    I used to get mad and ram into him w agressive comments.
    This time I spoke in FMs: “It felt weird not getting any news from you all day.”
    He said he finished work at noon, went to sleep for only a couple of hours and went to help his cousin.
    He said we might get to see each other tomorrow night.
    I replied “I prefer having definite plans, it makes me feel special when it’s not last minute.”
    He said his parents might be in town tomorrow night and he was going to meet them at his sister’s. But I had told him 2 months ago that I did not want to see his family bc I love them very much and don’t want to get any further attached due to our uncomitted situation.
    He practically begged me to start over from scratch the other night.
    So that’s how I then invited myself to come along to see his family.
    I heard a huge smile in his voice when he replied “I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon to let you know if they make it or not.”
    No matter the circumstances, I feel scared that I did that. It’s still leaning forward.
    Or is it dancing the dance since he leaned way forward 1st?



  85.  #85Daria on November 24, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    Feminine Woman – this somewhat conflicts with what I understand from Rori’s work.

    “I am remembering an email where Rori suggests that with those negative emotions we should just feel them. With the positive emotions we should share them. ”

    Can you find that e-mail?

    My understanding is that Rori says to share the most important seeming emotion… and that emotions are not really positive or negative, they just are, and we want to be in a state of confidence and love where we can express everything, even anger, in a healing non-blaming way.

    And, when there are several emotions we can pick from, we can choose to share the positive, if we want. (like when a man asks ‘how are you’)



  86.  #86Daria on November 24, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    I’m feeling disappointed, and kinda lonely and disconnected.

    ooh i did my “phone to anyone” tool and am feling better

    i have so many texts on my phone today



  87.  #87Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 7:48 pm

    Oh yes you do Ice Princess. Asking him why is getting all in his business and disrespecting the masculine. So of course he would get funny with you.

    “You cannot bring him close to you by WANTING him more. You can not excite him, attract him, or make him WANT YOU more by pressing him.”

    How about trying Rori’s words instead-

    “I feel embarrassed a bit to be so direct , you’ve completely won me over. I’m totally charmed by you and your devotion to me, I love you madly, and it feels incredible being with you. Oh my, this being honest stuff is hard, but I really would love if you stay over”. If he says no, then you have to learn to take no for an answer.



  88.  #88LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    76:

    BW,

    I sooo wish I knew the magic words to tell You!
    Except for: I soooo know what you’re feeling!

    …and so does IP. We’ve all had these women “imposters”. That is a tuff one to deal w.

    The only thing that has helped me so far, was to sink into my feelings and write them out here.
    When I got to the deep down core of them, I got to a peaceful accepting place in my heart.
    That’s when i felt ready to share them w D.

    I get so jealous when another woman gets his undivided attention!..to the point they takeover MY spot!

    To get you going: I’ve noticed an ongoing main theme for me: I don’t allow myself what I want. I don’t allow myself to exist. But these women do allow themselves to give themselves all that they want including my man’s attention.
    I give them the space that belongs to me, and I don’t know how to claim my space.
    I want them out of my space.
    I feel crowded out. That makes me feel angry.
    Behind the anger is the fear…

    Is it fear of abandonment?



  89.  #89Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    RE 62 Lizka I believe that is one way to create an imaginary relationship “in your mind”. If he is not in front on you then the relationship is not real.



  90.  #90Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    Lili 41 I am pretty sure I have seen in one of Rori’s articles “I want to be your one and only” as a truth that can be shared with a man.



  91.  #91Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    So how can I give you something to DO that’s about NOT doing ANYTHING?

    Try this:

    Picture yourself as a Magnet for men. See yourself that way from the outside.
    Picture men running toward you from everywhere, pushing and shoving each other aside to get to you…
    Now go INSIDE your picture and IMAGINE yourself DRAWING in men from everywhere – like a magnet you hold on the beach draws in thousands of little pieces of iron from the sand.
    Now imagine that all you have to do is SMILE, and men will drop from the skies, fly at you from everywhere, and STICK to you like glue.
    The next step is to simply EXPERIENCE how it FEELS to be a magnet (If you’re doing it full-out, it might feel uncomfortable and downright scary…)



  92.  #92Daria on November 24, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    I’m totally charmed by you and the way you treat me outside of ‘that’

    I fele a bit embarassed to be so direct, you’ve really got me attracted



  93.  #93LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 8:04 pm

    Still trying to show compassion for myself by seeing the progress to encourage myself that it’s worth getting back on the horse.

    I feel so much warmer and cozier w everyone at work.
    This guy at work was very googoo over me when I 1st started to work there 3 years ago.
    He’s been totally ignoring me for the past 2 years.
    He’s stopped ignoring me and starting to pay me special attention.
    He’s going out of his way to open the door for me, stops in the corridor to smile and make small talk.

    Heck, I’ve even been invited to another department’s Xmas lunch…while I have my own department’s Xmas lunch! how outrageous is that?
    Super cool !
    Eeeee, I just realized: I was so excited that I accepted without asking my boss. I should ask my boss coz it’s a 2 hour lunch.
    It’s an official fancy invitation card too! It even had a RSVP card to return!
    No it wasn’t a mistake, my name was on it! Yoohoo!!! 😀
    I have so much fun w that other department! I really look forward to it!
    I doubt my boss will have an issue w it.



  94.  #94LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    89:

    FW, and especially BUTTERFLY WINGS:

    I saw that somewhere too. Thanks for reminding me.

    But I’ve had to dig my feelings out big time about this one for myself.
    It stirs up deep old unearthed deeprooted hurt feelings that were festering since I was 7 years old.
    After doing that for myself to bring those out to heal, I feel more peaceful and ready to say ” I want to be your no1″
    Bc you know what? I finally unearthed my deeprooted feeling of unworthiness.

    NOW I FEEL WORTHY OF SAYING “I WANT TO BE YOUR NO 1”.



  95.  #95Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 8:14 pm

    “Let’s clarify an important point here – the way we FEEL and the way we ACT are completely different and separate things. We can either feel one way and act another, or we can act according to how we feel. Very often, we feel hurt, and so we act angry. ”

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/2008/page/33/



  96.  #96LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 8:16 pm

    NO, NOT NO 1, I WANT TO BE YOUR ONE AND ONLY!!!

    That’s better than no.1 bc no1 implies that there’s a no2 or no3.

    Nobody else but MEEEE !!! I’m special that way!



  97.  #97LILI 41 on November 24, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    IP;

    How in the h*ck did you get your man to toss the neighbour lady?

    I shouldn’t ask that, bc a siren does not have to “get her man to do anything” he just feels compelled to.

    But anyway, is that what the secret is?



  98.  #98Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 8:33 pm

    Now, ask yourself what you’re feeling. See if it’s anger – that’s usually the most common emotion that triggers depression, covering up – and that kind of “intensity” that drains other people.

    If you discover some anger, stomp it out in the bathroom, or use any of my Tools to get into the feeling, feel it completely, and then walk yourself out into a better-feeling place (my Reconnect Your Relationship program has the great “Take Yourself Through The Tunnel” Tool).

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/2008/page/32/



  99.  #99Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    So saying what you feel is a necessary part of being vulnerable. It doesn’t mean you have to say everything you feel ALL the time. (And most of the time we’re actually speaking about what we THINK, and what we think doesn’t count at all for vulnerability – we’ll talk more about that in future posts.) And it doesn’t mean you spew your feelings out in just any old way.

    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/overfunctioning/intensity-pushes-men-away/#respond



  100.  #100Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 9:45 pm

    From an email:

    Bottom line, the problem is not this woman, it’s in Emily’s inability to attract her husband to her in a deep, emotional, intimate and cheat-
    proof way.

    So – how does she turn all this around fast?

    First, Emily needs to understand that this is about her and her relationship with her husband, and take charge again of herself instead of complaining about this woman.

    Next, she needs to stop feeling jealous and start looking at the day-to-day life she has with her husband.

    She needs to start seeing when and how he lost
    romantic interest in her, and then make some changes to get it back.

    I’m not saying her husband’s blameless – but you can’t make a man feel something he doesn’t feel by TELLING him to.

    You can’t ORDER him to love you.

    If he’s behaving in an intolerable way, and you don’t want to make the changes that need to be made to save the marriage, then you can leave.

    But you can’t push a man into Romance.

    You have to INVITE him.

    And you have to invite him to romance you even if you’re feeling sad, angry, resentful, and everything else Emily must be feeling right now.

    Sound impossible?

    It’s not. It just takes some new skills.

    So how can Emily stop pushing him away, complaining and telling him what to do about this
    woman?

    1. First – she can STOP talking about her at
    all.

    That’s right.

    Not one mention. Not one complaint. Not one
    question.

    If her husband should bring her up – such as “Let’s have her over for dinner, okay?” – Emily
    has to say what she feels and what she DOESN’T
    want in this situation.

    That could look like: “I feel uncomfortable having her over. I feel jealous of her, and angry with you about her, and I don’t like feeling that, so I don’t want her in our house.”

    And then she stands there for a moment and
    listens to what he has to say.

    If he tries to convince her, she just sticks to the same words: “I feel uncomfortable and I don’t want to invite her over…” And then she can walk away from the conversation.

    Or, she can go with “Sure.” And let her come over so she can see for herself.

    2. Next – she needs to use all my Tools to start fresh in her marriage. (Reconnect Your Relationship is perfect for this – it will help her “Change Everything” – her “vibe,” the way her husband relates to her – everything.

    3. This is all about changing her “energy” from being “combative” and “challenging” with her husband because she feels so mushy and weak on
    the inside, to feeling so strong inside that she can be a soft, alluring, magnetic woman on the outside.

    This is where Emily needs to get a handle on her own emotions.

    If you’ve read any of these letters, you know I’m not about “hiding” your emotions, or “changing” them, or “distracting yourself” from even your most unpleasant feelings – instead, Emily has to dive in and become AWARE of how her feelings are hurting her and her marriage.

    And in order to become aware of your true feelings, you have to feel them.

    And once you can feel them, in order to create true intimacy with a man, you have to be able to EXPRESS your feelings with him in a way that doesn’t push him away – as Emily is doing by attacking him, trying to get him to act differently – trying to get him to LOVE her.

    Expressing your feelings in an authentic way not only let’s a man see who you are and get close to you because of your vulnerability – it allows him to feel SAFE with you.

    For most of us, this kind of instruction sounds like a direction to “have a serious talk about the relationship.”

    But that’s NOT what works.

    Later on, Emily might be able to say “I feel bad about our marriage. It would feel so good to be close to you again…”

    But that’s WAY later.

    NOW – Emily needs to say things like “This feels so fun,” whenever there’s a moment of fun between them.

    Emily needs to get into her own sexuality and
    sensuality and feel happy when she’s around him by finding things in her life that she can be happy about.

    She has to take her focus off of him and find a way to experience happy moments for herself.

    And then, she can share them with him – like, “It felt so good to take a walk just now. I could feel the breeze on my face and the air felt so clean…”

    There are so many things to express feelings
    about that have NOTHING to do with the marriage.



  101.  #101Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    ***MY ANSWER:
    No, you do not LEAD the way in the sense of
    leadership. Drop the leadership thing altogether. You INVITE him in, by opening yourself up.

    You take the lead in opening yourself up and being brave and trusting. But you do NOT lead the relationship.

    Nora – try this (it’s in Reconnect Your Relationship) – as you’re TRULY leaning back, change your hair (some blonde streaks?), start wearing pink and lavender and baby blue, show
    cleavage – FEEL sexy.

    Then try just touching him lightly – his shoulder, ruffling his hair, his hand as he passes – just to make gentle contact – and soften your eyes and look in his. (Just try – see what it does – once and then back off.

    If he seems to be about to kiss you, that’s your cue to lean further back and “melt.” All this is scattered through all the programs – you’ll get it.

    Look, this is about being an old-time screen siren, where you don’t have to do anything but bat your eyelashes.

    Where you feel so sexy and confident INSIDE, he just comes-a-running.

    If it doesn’t happen in a week or two, consider the speech, or consider saying “I miss feeling you kiss me.” Let’s see what happens.
    Rori

    NORA: Rori!!! IT’S ALREADY WORKING! I just had to tell you!

    I am doing NOTHING and Don is stepping up to the
    plate. HE called Sat a.m. to see if we were still going to do a bike ride. I let him totally call the shots and we had a nice ride. I practiced “being” and saying “feeling” words.



  102.  #102Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 10:09 pm

    Tool: STOP CLIMBING FOR LOVE

    Sometimes trying to meet a man or getting your man to come closer can feel like climbing a rock wall.

    Yet instead of enjoying the adventure of it all, you’re tired, you’re hanging on for dear life, and the end seems nowhere in sight.

    You FORGET you’re sitting in a harness attached by a rope to the top of the rock, while someone holds that rope from down on the ground.

    So…here are some steps to use this image in a way that will quickly help you in your love life:

    1. IMAGINE YOU’RE CLINGING TO THE ROCK FACE OF YOUR MAN AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    You’re working so hard to get to where you want to go – commitment and happiness.

    2. IMAGINE YOURSELF CLINGING TO THE WALL,
    CLIMBING.

    You’re making your way across and up, and across and up.

    Really imagine what it feels like to work so hard and hold on so tight, and be so afraid of letting go and falling.

    To feel so afraid of that time, sooner or later, when you just can’t hold on any longer. When it’s just too hard and too painful, and you aren’t getting anywhere.

    3. IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE WATCHING OVER YOURSELF

    Simply because it’s just TOO MUCH work to hang on so tightly and climb so deliberately and devotedly, and because your man isn’t helping you at all by giving you a hand up.

    Do you see what’s happening? You’re so caught up in working hard, you’ve lost sight of the view!

    Now…

    4. IMAGINE LETTING GO OF THE WALL!

    This is all about trusting yourself, not the man, and not the wall.

    So, Imagine putting your feet up against the wall and pushing away and swinging away from the wall.

    You’re swinging in space, and there’s nothing to hold onto. Now…

    5. IMAGINE THESE PARTS:

    >>>The rope is YOU, so you’re tied, anchored, and
    protected by…YOU.

    >>>The bar at the top that’s holding the rope is you, too – your firm dream of what you want for yourself – your Happy Ever After…

    >>>The harness you’re sitting in is YOU, too – cradling you, and making you feel supported…And…

    >>>The person holding onto the rope on the round – the rope that’s keeping you safe – is YOU, too!

    So – YOU’RE your own backup, she’s keeping you
    feeling strong, she’s PROTECTING YOU. She’s holding onto the rope and protecting you so that YOU can fly free.

    So that you can let go of the wall, stop climbing, stop working so hard, REST for a moment and catch your breath.

    So you can look around you and see where you are, and see the wall a bit more clearly.

    And see your MAN a LOT more clearly.

    So you can hang there, and watch and take it all in and even FEEL how terrifying it is to be just hanging in there and not working so hard! Now…

    6. FEEL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO JUST BE HANGING
    IN SPACE.

    Now, you have the opportunity to really appreciate the view and appreciate your own strength.

    It also gives you the chance to observe this man to see if he really even deserves to be WITH you on this great adventure…and..

    It gives him some space he didn’t even have to ask for! The kind of space a man NEEDS to be able to show you his strength.

    And it gives him a view of YOU!

    It makes YOU visible as the strong, amazing, beautiful, powerful, sexy, attractive, goddess-like woman you truly are.

    7. FEEL HOW INCREDIBLE IT FEELS TO BE FREE OF
    WORRYING ABOUT THE DARN WALL!

    Feel how it feels even if you’re scared, because getting free and feeling good is always going to feel a bit scary at first…even terrifying.

    But it’s so worth it.

    I know how scary this kind of “freedom” can feel – I always felt that if I could just HOLD ON tight enough, just climb hard enough – my man would come through for me.

    When I felt like I was falling, or just hanging there, my impulse was ALWAYS to get back on that rock face and keep trying to climb across, upside down, sideways, up – whatever it took.

    My feelings were always so tied up in the goal – GETTING to the top. I couldn’t even feel what I was REALLY feeling – which was ANGER, desperation, and… disgust.

    I felt disgust with him, disgust with the wall, disgust with the process, distrust and disgust for love… and for myself.

    But when I learned to stop climbing, I didn’t even have to think about whether I was “letting go” or not – I just knew I didn’t have to hold on so hard!

    So, the next time you recognize yourself holding on so tight out of desperation, imagine yourself climbing the wall, remember this tool, and then STOP HOLDING ON. Stop Climbing.

    Even if you don’t know it right now, you CAN trust yourself – I KNOW you can!

    I know if you try this Tool and focus on the fun of hanging there, trusting yourself and being able to see and feel everything around you – you’ll feel better. I do when I imagine this, and I know you will, too!

    The moment you stop your EFFORT, your vibe changes. You stop being in boy energy and you lean back into your calm, feminine self.

    You become hard to get without playing games
    because you know you’re OK no matter what HE does.

    When you stop climbing, that’s when a man shakes out of his stupor and PAYS ATTENTION TO YOU.

    When you stop working so hard to meet a man and you let go of the need to control when and how he’s going to show up in your life, a wonderful thing happens.

    You become more attractive to all men, because
    you’re more relaxed, happier, and confident. A woman who can be happy and trust herself and lean
    back is magnetic.

    Suddenly, you create the space for all kinds of great men to show up out of nowhere who want to climb WITH you!

    Who want to TAKE you to your Happy Ever After.

    When you stop working so hard to hold onto a man, and stop working so hard to move the relationship up that “wall,” you automatically make a man feel compelled to BE with you.

    You inspire him to WANT to hold the rope for you, to harness himself to you, to create a path up that wall and take you there as fast as he can!

    So try this STOP CLIMBING visualization, and let me know how it works for you.

    Tools like this one actually create a whole new reality for yourself that your brain recognizes as REAL.

    The result? You’ll automatically start building more respect for yourself inside.

    UNVEIL THE MODERN SIREN IN YOU



  103.  #103Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    I can guarantee you that continuing to act from anger will NOT make him want to be with you.

    This is true in any relationship with a man, from the first date to the last breath you take together.

    A man is there with us because he wants to be,
    and for no other reason.

    So insisting that he toe the line and do ANYTHING you ask him to do – even if it’s for the good of your marriage – will get you nowhere.

    Emma, focus on YOU. If you cannot smile and be
    happy around him, then perhaps you have your answer – perhaps you don’t really want to be with
    him.

    For specific Tools on how to deal with your anger, you’ll want to check out my Reconnect Your Relationship program.



  104.  #104Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Then, when we finally go to talk to him, he can FEEL (yes, men really ARE sensitive, just in different ways than we are…) all that stored-up and stuffed-down and tense energy coming from us, and to him it feels like we’re screaming at him, and he just blocks us out completely.

    The reason we automatically get blocked out is that our energy seems to him to be screaming at
    him that:

    1. You’re very upset, needy, angry and scared,
    and…

    2. It’s his fault.

    And before he even hears our words, just from our energy, he’s shut himself down.

    REASON #2: HE HEARS YOU, BUT THEN HE SHUTS DOWN

    So, he’s actually stayed conscious long enough to hear what you say to him, to see your body Language – and the force of it – EVEN IF YOU’RE
    BEING “NICE” and “REASONABLE” – completely
    overwhelms him.

    This time, he HEARS what you’re saying, and what it sounds like to him is:

    1. You’re upset, and…

    2. It’s his fault

    (You can see this is the pattern. No matter what you say or do…he hears that he’s made you unhappy…and it’s his fault.)

    So, what happens to him?

    He almost instantly becomes overcome by anger.

    He’s angry at himself because he’s made you upset, and he’s angry at YOU for making him feel
    bad.

    The moment you tell him something’s his fault, ten it becomes his fault, and he has to challenge you

    Then, for a decent, good man, who hasn’t done
    anything really bad to you, he doesn’t want to mow you down with his anger, which frightens him, too, because society has told him he has to keep his aggressive, angry feelings in check or he could hurt somebody, often, instead of responding at all – he shuts down.

    He mutters under his breath and walks into aother room where he can slam a door.

    Or, sometimes he may show some anger, attacking
    you because he feels attacked, but mostly he just wants to get out of there and lick his wounds.

    He may stew in anger for awhile, too, while pretending everything’s “okay” (while we try hard
    to get him to “open up) – and just withdraw.

    He’s shut down.

    REASON #3: HE HEARS YOU, THEN HE SHUTS DOWN –
    BECAUSE HE KNOWS IT IS HIS FAULT.

    He hears you, but then he shuts down completely
    – overcome by anger and guilt – because he KNOWS
    it’s his fault.

    He knows he did something bad to you.

    Men actually know when they’ve hurt you, when they’ve stepped over the line.

    Unless he’s a Toxic Man – a narcissist or a sociopath (men who don’t even see you as a real
    person) – he knows when he’s done something a man isn’t supposed to do.

    He may know it in a clueless sort of way, but he knows, when you point it out – that he did something wrong.

    And when he KNOWS he’s done something wrong,
    the only way he can handle his guilt over it is to get angry at you!

    Then, he shuts down and withdraws because he
    feels even worse – now he feels ashamed for both
    what he did, and also for getting angry at you

    From an email.



  105.  #105Femininewoman on November 24, 2011 at 10:31 pm

    For now, simply work with the Tool we’re using here – the concept of talking WITH a man, instead of AT him or TO him – even if he’s standing there saying nothing.

    This means you:

    1. Say one sentence – one Feeling Message or Don’t Want (in the ebook) – at a time, ask him what he THINKS, then stop.

    2. Listen to him, even if he says nothing.

    3. Don’t ask him how he feels, don’t explain yourself or go into more detail, instead…

    4. Say another sentence, ask what he thinks, then stop and listen.

    5. Your feelings will change throughout even this short conversation.

    Your anger may get more intense.

    Your fear may show up big time.

    You may be tempted to TELL him what he’s doing
    wrong and what he needs to do to fix it.

    Don’t give in to temptation. No matter how “nicely” you put it, he’ll be offended and angry
    if you tell him what he’s doing wrong and what he
    needs to do to fix it.

    Instead – in this one-sentence-at-a-time way,
    express how YOU FEEL.

    SHARE with him how uncomfortable, upset, confused, overwhelmed, angry or scared you are.

    SHARE with him how “icky” it feels to feel like that.

    Ask him what he thinks should be done, and what he wants to do – don’t give him options, opinions or instructions.

    Remember – this is WITH him.



  106.  #106Daria on November 24, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    its fuchkin healed omg a HUSBAND means sex and comfort

    it does NOT mean smothering and boring sexual unsatisfaction

    and this is from spending time with SexualCD this weekend!! wow the one who i felt disappionted with cuz he put me down

    and wow guess what i got so much healing from that that it so doesnt matter cuz

    my biggest fear of marriage si healed now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    thank you thak you thank you

    i feel so thank ful

    oh

    my god

    omg

    im gonna have a great husband i feel loved and SEXED with

    oh jezuz thank youuuu

    omg

    thrill/!



  107.  #107Daria on November 24, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    ive also shifted from stubbornly not answering texts to

    answering first time texts and writing that i dont text but it would feel nice to talk



  108.  #108Starla on November 24, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    yaaay my period came. it was only a few days late. i like that it lined up with the new moon. i was actually hoping for that to happen, but i felt freaked out when 28 days passed and it waasn’t here.

    i feel so grateful that my body was just lining me up with the moon. that is what we’ve been working for.

    i feel like magic.



  109.  #109English Woman on November 24, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    #41 Ella

    Ouch to SSU, and good bye. Like somebody said he showed you who he was, better sooner than later.

    I was reading somewhere yesterday about how women can fall in love with a man’s potential and are sorely disappointed down the track when he fails.

    His weight and clothes you can accept, they are just on the outer, but his “stuff” is his inner……..

    You have come too far to be with a judgemental man.



  110.  #110Daria on November 24, 2011 at 11:28 pm

    the stubbornly not answering texts gave me the power of detachment to where now im like ok i can do it nto worry about if they poof

    and its ok if i also answer them no ‘anxiety vibe’ around it so they call



  111.  #111Daria on November 24, 2011 at 11:29 pm

    Starla – yay !! yay for the moon lineup to me too

    wooopeee



  112.  #112English Woman on November 24, 2011 at 11:37 pm

    Ella again

    He TOLD you who he was, just like BW was saying yesterday about how her man said he only wanted casual but of course as women we think we can fix things when we have been doing the thing we did pre RR……but we really do have to listen to the words when they tell us them, my God I could have saved myself YEARS of sorrow if only I had listened to what they said, I must have had selective hearing. 😳

    “He said ‘Ok sorry but I can’t change who I am”

    He is not going to change who he is, he told you, and of course he doesn’t have to.



  113.  #113Daria on November 24, 2011 at 11:45 pm

    go Daria go

    you are awesome!

    your beliefs that you ahve to have pain and you won’t have love are falling away transforming and shifting into more and more pleasure bliss health wholeness and love and life and naturalness



  114.  #114Daria on November 25, 2011 at 12:17 am

    Daria rocks!

    Daria is so soft! so attractive! such great boundaries!

    Daria draws men inf rom far away with her black hole energy receiving power over the entire planet

    Daria draws men in close and inspires them to heal

    Daria inspires men to vleive they can heal

    Daria heals

    Daria is the juice and the cup of the universe

    Daria is the pie!



  115.  #115Daria on November 25, 2011 at 12:25 am

    yah now im scared that ill marry him and he’ll change like

    ill find out he doesnt like sea turtles or something and i Like sea turtles and / or

    i will change as i consistently transform and i won’t feel good with him anymore

    🙁

    mf

    i want to heal this !!!



  116.  #116Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 12:49 am

    Alright I’m trying to come up with a script to express something when we finally have our official talk about him offering me what I want.

    I want to express that it feels good to receive lots of attention from my guy (messages through the day, lunch invites, etc), without it coming across like I’m telling him to do that! Argh this is hard!

    Any ideas anybody? Or is bringing that up being controlling????



  117.  #117Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:20 am

    I spent Thanksgiving with close friends of the family…and some of their extended family…and it was OK but I felt myself not wanting to be there more than a couple of hours.

    I found myself feeling bored and completely, totally uninterested in the smalltalk carrying on with people I didn’t know. I gravitated toward my familiar folks and found myself avoiding certain people altogether. It was a bit akward at times and I just wanted to leave.I was hoping I didn’t appear rude, but I cannot listen to droning on about people’s kids I don’t even know.

    zzzz….sorry…I honestly don’t care.

    I was also feeling piney and sad…

    When I left and was driving home, I realized that I was feeling so sad and missed all of my past boyfriends at once…I hate Thanksgiving!

    I was pining for Recycled during the drive home, pining for my toxic ex and his daugther during dinner…etc etc…I just had a hard time being in the moment and being happy for others, etc.

    I sat there feeling self conscious and like a failure for being single….and without kids. And I was analyzing myself during the whole meal rather than enjoying my food.

    Ick.

    Also beating myself up for leaning forward with CityCD when he is clearly A WASTE OF TIME.

    I need to cycle past, move on and find new prospects.



  118.  #118Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:23 am

    FW re 81,

    Yes I can see what recent incidences are showing about expressing anger… and actually in the past sometimes when I have expressed it I have felt suprised when the man shows back up again.

    I don’t know, I feel torn.

    Sometimes I can find fear underneath and sometimes I just feel anger.

    In toxic men there is a roleplay with a woman who feels angry and Rori encourages her to express it.

    I am wondering if with the right man it won’t matter. And it will just be another emotion in the range that gets expressed to open communication although atm it seems to be pushing some men away.

    Although tbh I am not 100% sure if I would want them around.

    I feel unsure on this issue.

    xoxox



  119.  #119Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:26 am

    Online potential CD emailed me…the one that mentioned other women in first email (women he’s met on the site that didn’t look as good in person as in their pic) and I used feeling messages to express that it felt icky, etc. and that I don’t want to hear about other women…blah blah…he apologized…

    Now he’s mentioned another woman AGAIN…albeit a high school sweetheart…but still I feel turned off…big time. I am a lil sensitive about that boundary these days…shut up about the other women already!

    I honestly don’t think I’m going to reply. I dunno. I feel so so turned off and meeh….blah about it



  120.  #120RiverGirl on November 25, 2011 at 1:27 am

    BW, can you find ways to express how good you feel when he does those things for you as he does them? If you suggest them to him, he will probably do them for you to make you happy, but it robs him of some of his masculinity.

    If you can be genuinely happy and appreciative when he does these things off his own bat, he will feel a boost to his masculinity, and since you caused him to feel that, he will find you more attractive because of the effect you have on his masculinity. Then he will more want to do more and more of those things.



  121.  #121Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:28 am

    Like I feel totally unmotivated and impatient to constantly repeat myself…
    i.e. Ocean CD and the texting…
    hellllooooo……………LOL I told him I DONT WANT TO TEXT…
    what did he do? TEXTTTT!!! LOL HAHAHAH well I feel amused…that’s about it.

    Next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1



  122.  #122Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:31 am

    HMmmm,

    I am not using anger to cover depression.

    I simply do not feel depressed.

    Oh and I don’t spew my feelings either. I touch in, work out what I am feeling, often give it some time to be sure, and then share if I want to or if the emotion persists.

    My emotions are my internal thermostat.



  123.  #123Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:35 am

    Hmmm re 102

    I am not acting from anger either.

    I am sharing when I feel anger, along with sharing when I feel all the other emotions too, positive and negative.

    I intend not to be afraid of my anger.



  124.  #124Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:49 am

    Re 97

    Just re-read it…

    Oh I get it now, the depression and covering up intensity drains other people… not the anger.

    Phew. I feel pleased to see that.



  125.  #125Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 1:52 am

    Awww ((((Emerson)))). I know where you’re coming from – I’ve been there many times. I hope you start feeling better soon – things will get better, trust me. xxx



  126.  #126Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 1:54 am

    119: RiverGirl – yeah good point. I just hope he does something I like sometime soon! 😛



  127.  #127Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 1:58 am

    Waaaaaaahhhh! I hate it when he goes out and I have no idea where he’s at or who he’s with! 🙁

    I’m home with my girls tonight so will concentrate on them until the little one goes to bed (which is soon). Then I’ll go to bed too – or I might watch some of my Rori Raye stuff…

    I need to STOP thinking about that man!!!!!



  128.  #128Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:12 am

    Hmmm I feel confused.

    SSU Cd was doing some stuff which made me feel so good, and is such a lovely man in lots of ways…

    And the judgemental stuff triggered me and I feel so turned off.

    I feel unsure about whether I want to reply to his last text and say how I am not blaming him and hearing those kind of things feels awful to me and I feel upset when I hear that stuff…

    or whether to just leave it and assume that a better man will show up with SSU CDs good qualities, and without the judgemental ones…

    I don’t know if this is HIM, or just something he was saying cus he felt nervous or whatever, although to be fair he has not once said he didn’t mean it…



  129.  #129Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:16 am

    Well I experimented with replying this time.

    I am clear with myself that I don’t want those kind of bad feeling judgemental attitudes in my life.

    My ex was very, very judgemental, and would rant often about stuff to the point where I actually got up and walked out of restaurants while we were having dinner cus it felt so triggering.

    I wonder why this is so triggering to me and where in my life I am being judgemental and whether I am trying to supress that?

    I wonder what the lesson is here.

    When it is my own lesson I often cannot see the wood for the trees.



  130.  #130Ice Princess on November 25, 2011 at 2:20 am

    96 Lili,

    He wanted to. I didn’t ask or even mention her. But, I feel like I took any progress we made back tonight when I was being too needy. I slept better without him here and will get more done so I should be glad he left. He told me that he would see me today so we shall see.



  131.  #131Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 2:28 am

    Ella, I’m like you are with judgemental people too. My last ex had a thing against a certain race, and come to think of it, so did ex #2.

    TH isn’t racist at all, which is good.

    I still feel REALLY icky right now though. This morning he said “We’ll talk later” when we got to work. It’s 8.25pm, he’s out on the town somewhere, and no word. NOT happy… 🙁

    He’s also going out with a male friend to watch a soccer game tomorrow night, then he has drinks with the boys on Sunday. I’m starting to see a pattern. I hate that pattern.

    So what do I do about it? Do I walk away from it, or do I express that I’d rather he spent less time with the boys and more with me??

    It would feel yuk expressing that because like it was said before, it would be like he was only doing it to keep me happy – not because he wanted to. HELP! 🙁



  132.  #132Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 2:44 am

    🙁 🙁 🙁 I’m almost sure he’s out with that woman. ARGH!!!! Somebody PLEASE stop me from texting him!!!

    Too late. I texted him and I soooo shouldn’t have! He’s actually on his way here, but didn’t mention if he’d been out with her or not.

    I need to really watch my insecurities here…. cos I am almost 100% sure he was out with her. She had texted him (or he’d texted her) this morning, so it’s possible they arranged to meet across from where we work.

    My gut tells me he did.

    He asked me why I wanted to know. I said that I just had a bad feeling and not that he couldn’t do stuff with her (as a friend), but I’d feel better if we talked about it all first and work out what’s comfortable for both of us.

    I know I did bad, but he seems ok. He’s asked if I could pick him up from the station – I’d know if he was cranky with me…



  133.  #133RiverGirl on November 25, 2011 at 2:55 am

    BW, when I’m feeling all those needy agitated vibes I have a little “me time”
    First thing, I divert both phones to message bank and turn them off so I can’t be reached. Don’t want to be tempted to answer any of those late night drunk texts or calls. If it’s a real emergency, they can call emergency services!
    Then, it’s time for some music while I do a bet of wardrobe therapy and put together some date outfits for all those dates coming up.
    Later I might put on a lovely face mask for a relaxing treatment before heading to bed maybe with a feel good motivational book to read.



  134.  #134RiverGirl on November 25, 2011 at 2:59 am

    BW!!! I was too slow! When all else fails go with your gut. 🙂



  135.  #135Butterfly wings on November 25, 2011 at 3:04 am

    Haha yes you were! But everything’s ok I think.

    He’s almost here. Maybe we’ll talk a bit tonight after my girls are in bed. Sigh… I never had insecurities like this with anyone else ever!!!

    I don’t know why he triggers this in me. Maybe something to heal after my ex cheated on me maybe…



  136.  #136Ella on November 25, 2011 at 3:07 am

    BW I am with Rivergirl.

    Sounds like you are in a state of ’emergency’ and acting out of urges and what might be needed is a bit of me time, focus off him…

    Sleep on it… stay away from the phone…

    And then IF you still want to discuss stuff with him when you are feeling a lil less triggered you can and ‘urgent’ then you can.

    I usually try to give myself some space between feeling an intense feeling and responding, I think it is the difference between reacting and responding…

    xoxox



  137.  #137Ella on November 25, 2011 at 3:18 am

    BW one thing that pops out at me reading your posts is there seems to be a lot of heavy ‘talking’ with you and TH … about the relationship.

    And something Rori said always sticks with me, about creating the relationship instead of talking about it.

    I just wonder if some of the issues might go away if you guys focused on being in the moment and having fun… so that it all felt light, fun and breezy, rather than so intense and urgent?

    Although you can still have boundaries within that.

    If the sex triggers you and make you feel like FWB personally I would be looking to make a now sex boundary until I felt 100% happy with the way I was being courted…

    What do you think?

    xoxox



  138.  #138Ice Princess on November 25, 2011 at 3:21 am

    Wow, Ella your advice to BW is just what I needed. Things were great with LP when I didn’t need things to happen in our relationship. Great advice! 🙂



  139.  #139Ice Princess on November 25, 2011 at 3:26 am

    Is this a bad feeling message? Please help, I am so horrible at them. “I have hurt myself all I can stand and I feel like I need some space today.  Do you think you could drop off my sons wallet while you are out today?”



  140.  #140Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 4:50 am

    Ice Princess how about writing about how your heart is feeling? Heavy hearted, fragile? I would try to write about my heart.



  141.  #141Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 5:06 am

    Ella I understand. I believe the right man can hear your anger and not be put off. However, we can express it at the wrong time to him. Or we can express it with an intensity that temporarily pushes him away. I also believe we can say it in a way that makes him wrong. I believe in this case he was made wrong. Aside from that your internal state was comminucating that you were not attracted to him. That combination I believe could have pushed him away. I am also wondering about simply expressing “I feel angry and want to get something off my chest that is causing me to feel heavy hearted. Is now a good time to talk?” Otherwise, could he have felt attacked or suddenly pounced on for being himself? Or could he have felt that you do not get him? Also he could have known that he was being an ………………… without you pointing out the obvious. Just my thoughts. Hoping you can catch yourself when you feel angry and find out what it is about. See where in your body the feelings appear and put your hand on it to soothe the feeling and maybe release it in another way.



  142.  #142Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 5:10 am

    I am feelig way bettet this mornig. Obviously P hasen’t reply to my text. That’s what I asked him for! I don’t care. I don’t really want to hear from him anymore. He so much a waste of time. I don’t understand why I’m so into him.

    But this morning I feel better. I feel strong. I feel calm. I feel serene. I also feel excited about my weekend and my office Christmas party. I took super good care of me, shved my legs, exfoliate my body and my pretty face, had an cinditioning treatment for my hair, waxed my eyebrow, bought myself a so Carrie Bradshaw outfit. Yay! I’m excited about feeling sexy tonight.

    I was feeling scared and lowered because most of te people from my office are attending the party with their wife or husband and I was not. I felt I was going to feel lonely. But no. I am single and I am a siren and I am gonna attract all the men in this room! I’m gonna make the married women jealous of all this attention and the married men jealous not to be with me. Hehe! I will use this party as a big practice for being a siren. I feel extremely confidant! Yay me!!!



  143.  #143Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 5:24 am

    Emerson some men are boundary pushers and many men test us to see what we are made of. Establishing your rules for yourself and just expressing them or acting on them because you are strong on the inside I believe to be a winning combination. You requiring him to toe the line could cause his rebellious little boy to act out. But it could also be a lesson for you in there. Friends talk about their exes so I would check the profile again to see what he says he wants and what he says about himself. Also I am wondering if you should ask him if there is something you need to know that would prevent you from dating him? “You know, I feel really awkward about this, and I’ve noticed you keep mentioning other women, are you married? Is there something I should know about you that would keep me from accepting a date with you?” This is a feeling message I picked up from one of Rori’s past articles.



  144.  #144Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 5:26 am

    Lizka is there anything in particular that you intend to practice visualizing and telling yourself while there? Any particular tools you intend to practice?



  145.  #145Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 5:29 am

    I think of practicing eye contact and 5 seconds smile. I’m really bad at that. Maybe lean back position if guys come to talk to me and melting also. Any other suggestions?



  146.  #146Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 5:31 am

    Lizka you might be unconsciously attracted to him and it might be a good thing if you could figure that out. Attraction is not an act of will. It just is so I don’t believe you can turn it off or on by will. As a matter of fact even if the man is not good for you, I am thinking cherishing your aliveness and be pleased with yourself, your juicy body for allowing you to feel turned on. He is just the means for you to enjoy these juicy emotions that can help you enjoy life. Plus the bottom line is other people with the right combination of triggers can stir up these emotions in you too.



  147.  #147Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 5:36 am

    Lizka how about visualizing a tree truck going from your back all the way down into the earth and anchoring you to the earth so that you know you are strong on the inside so that you can be soft on the outside. Also read 101 above and do it will saying I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself. I believe in preparation for the event you can Paint Yourself with Love. Spend some time in front of the mirror looking at yourself and using water to paint as much detail on your face with love.



  148.  #148Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 5:41 am


  149.  #149Lili 41 on November 25, 2011 at 6:03 am

    105:

    Daria,

    You’re a strong awesome Siren!

    Applause! Applause! 🙂

    I’m so happy for you.



  150.  #150Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 6:10 am

    FW, are you related to my story with P in 145? Not sure to understand?



  151.  #151Izzy on November 25, 2011 at 6:12 am

    I woke up this morning feeling really blessed.

    I’m feeling blessed to feel my fear of intimacy going away little by little.

    Isn’t it the most amazing blessing? To overcome fear. That fear that stops us from being all we can be?

    I feel more confident that I will be able to deal with any issue that comes up in my relationship with wisdom.

    I feel wiser.

    I feel blessed that even though I felt fear, I didn’t break my relationship. I kept going, step by step.

    I’m feeling so happy and so calm and in peace. I want to be able to come back to this no matter what happens. If I can feel this now, I can feel this whenever I want.

    Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to chose what to feel at any given moment? To master your feelings and not to be at their mercy?

    But isn’t it what we are doing here, right now?

    Thank you Rori. Thank you Sirens.

    Changing the world starts with changing ourselves.

    We are changing the world.



  152.  #152Lili 41 on November 25, 2011 at 6:17 am

    134:

    BW,

    Have you read Feminine Woman’s posts 97 to 104, especially 99?

    They really hit home for me in the same insecure situation you are.
    We feel threatened by other women bc we are not connected w our man in the way we would like.



  153.  #153Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 8:04 am

    142 thanks FW
    That is helpful

    120 Ella I would not be so hard on yourself.
    I don’t like what he said in his text…maybe it’s just the way I read it, but when you expressed yourself, it seemed his reaction was kinda temper tantrumy…like ok well if you don’t like it then bye bye to you!
    I may have misread it but thats the attitude that came accross to me…like dismissive and not dedicated…
    Like he could say, “babe, I’m sorry I offended you. I am sorry and I want you to feel better/safe with me. Etc….”

    I dunno..

    Anyway don’t be so hard onyourself judging him for being chubby, etc..I think we all have those inner voices.
    Love to you.. xoxo



  154.  #154Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 8:08 am

    LILI I’ve done the same thing with Recycled so many times…
    He’s let me down soo badly…I communicate that it’s not ok with me and I don’t want to talk to him etc…and I am moving on, etc….and poof….then he begs to get back in my world, I mean he really lays it on thick!! complimenting me, my looks, unique things between us…I mean really pouring it on and literally begging to see me. I finally give in and we end up sleeping together eventually (last time it took a couple months before I did) and then I feel like crap because he’s poofed again…
    I think it’s just a game to him and he likes the power of trying to get me back and then being the one to poof. A-hole.



  155.  #155Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 8:19 am

    BW thank you. xoxo

    I ordered the book “The List” and I skimmed thru it yesterday…very interesting.

    I’ve had a couple List guys in my life…but they were not right for me.

    I find the concept very liberating…it actually kind of takes the pressure off. I just hope I meet another List guy soon that is the right fit for me.

    I also feel like it’s a reminder to stick with my boundaries and what I want/don’t want. I’ve been so emotionally empty / needy that I’ve compromised and taken ANYTHING thrown my way that was semi comforting. I DO NOT want to be like that anymore.

    I also realized I felt self conscious and scared reading the book…like a sense of dread and judgment washing over me when it talkes about our timelines etc…and that our 20s and 30s are prime dating years etc etc…due to pool of men available and the factor of competition from younger women is lower, etc….
    I got really scared that it’s too late for me and I won’t have enough men to pick from and I won’t find anyone….



  156.  #156Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Sirens how do I respond if a man I’ve only emailed online tells me the holidays are lonely because he shares time/custody of the kids…
    It feels mommying to say aw sorry you feel lonely…



  157.  #157Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 9:12 am

    Sirens how do I respond if a man I’ve only emailed online tells me the holidays are lonely because he shares time/custody of the kids…
    It feels mommying to say aw sorry you feel lonely…



  158.  #158tenny on November 25, 2011 at 9:13 am

    MY THREE BLESSINGS

    1. Having found my feminine energy (and embracing it)

    2. My family

    3. My peace and positive energy



  159.  #159Lili 41 on November 25, 2011 at 9:13 am

    147:

    Thank you FW! I’m registered. 🙂



  160.  #160Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 9:19 am

    I responded to the guy who talks about other women all the time by saying that I feel akward mentioning it but that I noticed he mentions women often, and I feel curious about it. It feels like a turnoff.

    I just left it there!

    Ugh…I feel like I just want to cut off contact and I don’t care about talking to him ever again, but I’m forcing myself to practice!

    I feel annoyed by online dating right now, this sounds sooo judgmental, but there’s a lot of rejects on there. OMG. Like, guys I would NEVER date in a million years. Ever. Either they look gangster, too much older than me, or just ick like I am not attracted at all.



  161.  #161tenny on November 25, 2011 at 9:20 am

    @ Lizka (Post #2)

    Thank you so much for the welcome 🙂 !

    The energy here on this blog is tremendous, and it helps with the self discovery. I think you have a good point about the women who think they don’t have to change. It is the ability to recognize that the change is personal to recapture your power. No one wants to admit that they lack self confidence or that they do things wrong . . . but I do! Constantly. That is what I have learned as a siren. I was searching for a way to reach back and reclaim (capture???) my ex and instead found myself (and she is beautiful 🙂 )! As I noted, only one friend has embraced this theory and is going through the ebook and Modern Siren. It is going to be personal to admit and accept her faults, but I know she is ready. That is another thing, the other women I was trying to explain this too think it’s about sharing their weaknesses with others, but it starts with each of us on an individual level. I come from a bunch of alpha women – “strong,” independent, go-getters, managing life and family and work . . . all boy energy in sexy women bodies. I discovered my disconnect when I discovered Rori. And it is a disconnect from the feminine energy I could not understand (but felt) and the masculine energy that was causing having in my love life. I’m living a new life because my heart is now connected to ME. 🙂 Blessings.



  162.  #162Lili 41 on November 25, 2011 at 9:22 am

    153:

    Hugs to you and me sister Siren (((Emerson))).

    I take it as a sign that our inner work remains incomplete.

    I have a total different vibe after he called last night.
    I handled it a lot better than before.
    I feel alot better after reviewing all the progress I have made so far.
    Plus he didn’t poof for very long. It wasn’t even 24 hours. My NVs were at work.
    Something to work on myself: Maybe feeling guilty for indulging in something that feels good to me?
    Remember, never his fault, always return the focus back on ourselves…something there to heal with those NVs being triggered.



  163.  #163Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 9:23 am

    I’m thankful for
    my job
    my health
    my family



  164.  #164tenny on November 25, 2011 at 9:25 am

    @ Emerson (post 156)

    Hi. I’m still very new to this, but maybe tell him how that makes you feel, so it’s about you. I know you want to try to comfort him, but I’m just curious why he said that – as if he want sympathy. The focus is supposed to be on you, right?



  165.  #165Lili 41 on November 25, 2011 at 9:27 am

    150:

    Thank you Izzy for giving us some uplifting hope. 🙂



  166.  #166Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 9:31 am

    thanks tenny…
    I responded just saying yes the holidays can be lonely…and went on to next topic.
    You are correct when saying it needs to be focus on me….and my feelings. yay siren… 🙂



  167.  #167Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 9:39 am

    LILI 41 thanks for the hugs…
    Yes, I always feels better after they call…regardless of the problems that still exist…I feel that spark of hope pop up..

    anyway I just sent Recycled a text that for me its best to go back to no contact. I feel like an idiot anyway with him, so what’s the harm in sending the text. He hasn’t returned my call from three weeks ago. My bad for leaning forward, but he had called me last, and we hadn’t talked for a while so…I called. He never called back. This is after I put the boundary up around s*x that I don’t want FWB.

    I guess thats all he wants with me and that hurts. Badly.

    Obviously he’s not a LIST man for me….ouch it is painful because I still have strong feelings for him.

    I figure if I send the text I really don’t care if he replies or not…it’s immaterial. I felt like it was something I wanted to say, like get the last word in (control)…and I did also say I wish him the best and also that I am thankful for the memories with him.

    Left it at that. I know it’s looking for closure and it shouldn’t matter, but I actually feel better after sending it. Maybe I feel like I need to take charge of my boundaries/life instead of feeling like I was left hanging.

    Last time we talked was when I put the boundary out there about s*x and he was trying to convince me to get a hotel for the day/night (since he lives with FEMALE roommate) and I said NO>>>>>

    Well maybe he found another girl to play with. Whatever and I want to move onto a mental state that he does not exist, and I do not need closure….



  168.  #168tenny on November 25, 2011 at 9:41 am

    @ Ella:

    You did all you could do which was express your feelings. If he sees no wrong in what he said, after you explained it . . . give him a moment to replay the conversation in his head. Experience your feelings Siren and then feel better! You will. (((((HUGS))))



  169.  #169Rori Raye on November 25, 2011 at 9:49 am

    dorothyd, This is all in his ballpark, and your job is to work on YOU so that you don’t feel so intensely about whatever it is he does. You MUST Circular Date and get your self-esteem up…pining for a man always works against you. Start with my ebook and DO everything in it – the writing, the practicing of the basic Tools. Then Reconnect Your Relationship, Then Modern Siren. Get Heart Connection Toolkit to help lift your spirits, play it all the time and let it do the work for you…Love, Rori



  170.  #170tenny on November 25, 2011 at 9:55 am

    @ Lili and Luzydel

    I took the plunge and paid for eharmony for three months after going through Rori’s Targeting Mr. Right. I needed a little help from a tech because I limited my match potential without knowing it. Get about 15 matches a week now. Don’t bother with the men with no pictures (wonder if I should, but it feels scary). Anyway, it’s been worth the money. I don’t bother with the other dating sites, so I’m saving my money there at least. It takes a long time to set up your profile and I have my personality profile where any match can read it. I have 3 dates lined up this week, so just for the CDing/practice, I’ll get my money’s worth 🙂



  171.  #171Lili 41 on November 25, 2011 at 9:58 am

    167:

    Whatever happens, we will keep working on ourselves and be proud of the progress we make from having learned through those experiences.
    We can be thankful to ourselves for having that resilience.



  172.  #172Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:21 am

    35 @ Ella (hugs)

    I recommend getting the book called the List…it’s opening my eyes even though I’m scared while reading it…I don’t know why…..



  173.  #173Starla on November 25, 2011 at 10:25 am

    wowwww, i noticed this morning my need to control. to not lean back and let him row.

    I was rushed this morning and didn’t have time to get all gussied up for my lunch date with CF, and I feel crampy, so I thought about trying to raincheck for another time. Then I decided that we’ve been dating for over 4 months and he can see me without makeup and it’ll be okay. But the urge to control, and get him to take me to bfast tomorrow instead, or come over tonight instead and watch movies, was so strong and tempting.

    Then he texts me about what time to meet up, and I said whenever, and he proposes a time and I notice that I wanted to suggest a different time, but for no particular reason. I just have the urge to control things.

    I didn’t control anything, though, I just let him lead, and then he said something that made it seem like he had a plan in mind for us…so if i had tried to control things, i would have stolen his oars for rowing.



  174.  #174natia on November 25, 2011 at 10:26 am

    hello,its my first time here, even if i am reading Rory already one year…well, I saw myself in every her letter, or exaple… i am doing all mistakes she is talking about..starting with law self esteem, finishing by overworking…i tried to change, to stop doing.. but it did not help, he disappeared more…one thing that i cannot do, its circular dating_ i love this man, and so to flirt with someone else looks false and not true and is not interesting for me..i try to take the focus from him…i have improtant work, travel a lot…try to have active life:concerts, friends..but inside myself, i still think only about him..and its already 2,5 years! i am lost , i cannot move forward, and i cannot get out of it neither… help!



  175.  #175Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:27 am

    The List rules out F03CD, RecycledCD, OceanCD, CityCD and pretty much any of my prospective CDs.

    It’s ok though.

    I feel like the book is a good source, even though when reading the stories of the women who married young and lived happily ever after, I do have feelings come up of resentment/unworthiness/shame/being old/feeling not good enough/unspecial/not attractive enough/sadness….loss….

    I want to heal that….

    I wonder why I didn’t have a real sense of urgency in my early 30’s….I had this feeling that things would work out fine and I had plenty of time…as far as relationships go…

    I was more stressed about restarting a career since I had been laid off. I focused on that so much because I felt I had to be in a career to be complete..as a woman. Not true.

    I felt lost in a way and I thought it was because of my career being off kilter and interrupted…but I was not realy that stressed about a relationship for many years (I had a boyfriend almost always…but did go thru a dry spell for about a year or two in my early 30s)

    I feel so scared to be alone and without male attention……..I hate feeling this way.

    Thanks for listening sirens. Just have to get all this out somewhere…..



  176.  #176Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:30 am

    174 the boyfriends I had in early 30s I hung on to way to long…they were not LIST men…

    Even toxic EX was not a LIST man but he stepped up his game and “snapped to” when he knew he was losing me…proposed and was really trying to get back together with me…I could have married him, but may not have lasted…I dunno.



  177.  #177Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Ive made compromises in my morals and boundaries because of my emotional needs and emotional imbalance…
    It’s told to us in church, etc…dont do this or that or dont waver from your moral character etc….just don’t do it….
    Which is great advice…but it’s hard to JUST NOT DO THIS OR THAT….because someone commands you not to…
    when you are not ok emotionally…..
    The drive is to comfort ourselves and sometiems we send ourselves in the wrong direction for immediate relief…
    I do believe this is human nature….
    and it’s not enough for the church or whomever else to just COMMAND not doing this or that…and not offer the comfort and emotional support needed…its wrong



  178.  #178Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:35 am

    Ive seen pics of my ex from my 20s and how he looks today, I’m so not attracted at all…I ws so in love with him back when…he was almost a decade older than me…
    I am not attracted to men who are too much older than me…I feel turned off and icky. I want a guy my age…but in the early 40s range I’m nto sure the pool is that promising….aaaaccckkkk

    Feeling hopeless



  179.  #179Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 10:37 am

    RE 157 Emerson I guess I would say “hhhhmmm I know exactly how you feel”. I have been through that myself.



  180.  #180Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:45 am

    I wish dating sites had age ranges not telling your exact age…I feel that I’m judged for being 40 and I’m really hung up on it right now. I feel open to being with a guy who is five years younger or older….but
    I think when they know my age it is a problem…
    If I meet guys out int he world organically, they don’t generally guess that I’m 40…they think I’m in my mid (or even early) 30s….



  181.  #181Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 10:45 am

    Tenny

    Re 161

    Hi Tenny, you’ve got a point when you say “No one wants to admit that they lack self confidence or that they do things wrong…”.

    When I talk to my girl friends about making changes in my habits and attitude, the ALL say that I’m too hard with myself, that it’s not about me, that I’m blaming myself for something that I am not doing and they’re totally trying to convince me that I am perfect and that is the guy who is wrong. I don’t want to think like that because it means that I can not change the situation.

    And when I suggest them to change their attitute toward a guy, they get all defensive and say that they don’t have to and that if the guy is not accepting them like that, he doesn’t deserve it. But these girls are all angry at men and they are not happy in their romantic life. I feel sad for them. I would like to help them but are totally closed to that.

    Too bad. I am happy with my choices and happy to be here.

    🙂



  182.  #182Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:46 am

    The list book talks about not being frustrated because it comes off to men as desperation….but I don’t know how to not feel frustrated right now…I think I need to get on some medications or something.



  183.  #183Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 10:48 am

    Emerson you can focus your attention on gratitude and happy past experiences.



  184.  #184Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:50 am

    178 FW thanks for the suggestion..it shows vulnerability.

    I am so scared of that.



  185.  #185Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:51 am

    182 FW yes thank you…

    I am at a crossroads right now…I’m looking for a new job as I start a new career…I love my current job but it does not pay enough…so anyway…I may have to move out of the area and I feel sad…



  186.  #186Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 10:53 am

    I feel that in the past when I’ve allowed myself to be vulnerable in front of others, I was not accepted or comforted…like I expressed myself, and perhaps even started crying and saying my feelings to whomever was there at the time (friend, church group, parent) and I was met with a stoic and stone faced reaction…I felt sooo stupid. OMG this is flooding at me today…help I hate it….OMG I’m so not wanting to go thru that again



  187.  #187Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 10:55 am

    Emerson I read somewhere that Rori says (or was it Arielle Ford) to use what we learn here on job interviews. Because want to feel good about hiring you. A new job can boost the self esteem but the thing that came to me is that to magnitize the best job, focussing on how you would feel in the new job. Feelizations is apparently what attracts what we want. I would create a vision of my ideal job and how I would feel in it, if I were you. Remember it is what is in our internal state that we create in the world.



  188.  #188Starla on November 25, 2011 at 10:56 am

    Lizka 180

    something i started noticing about myself when i really got into this Rori stuff is how awful it feels when i hear other women talking badly about their guys or how unhappy they are.

    As though they were prisoner and could do nothing for relief but complain.

    My best friend very rarely complains about her husband, same with when she wasn’t married to him yet.

    Whenever we complain about our guys to each other, we tend to play devil’s advocate in response. We stand up for each others’ guys. But we’ve been best friends for 17 years and have the safeness to do this.



  189.  #189Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 10:57 am

    Emerson you should allow yourself to cry, if that is how you feel.



  190.  #190Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 11:01 am

    188 thanks FW….I did last night after dinner when driving home,a nd when I got home I felt a lil bit better.
    I hate crying because it scares me.



  191.  #191Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Emerson

    Re 167

    Big hugs. I’m living the same thing with P. I let him go and asked for no contact (unless it’s for good reasons). I’ll be open if he comes back but now he is just poisoning my life.

    What about you? Are you opeb to have him back or you really want to close it?



  192.  #192Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 11:12 am

    190 Lizka thanks for sharing,,,,
    I would love to be able to be open and think that somehting could work out with Recycled, but I think it’s best that I just cut him out because we’ve been thru this before…and he’s still going thru a divorce…and he does just want FWB I guess. If he’s not having the committment alarm go off with me by now, it never will…I don’t think ( I got that from The List book)



  193.  #193Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 11:34 am

    Crying is a natural cleansing process given to humans to assist with healing emotions. Hate connected to crying feels to me like resisting oneself and one’s vulnerability. I don’t know about you Emerson but sometimes I feel weary of being strong and just want to melt into myself.



  194.  #194Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Now I want to read this List Book. And I am thinking to buy it to all my girl friends for Christmas! Oh and maybe to the female collegue who told me about Rori? I think I need to thank her.



  195.  #195Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 11:42 am

    My Three Blessings for today:

    1. I feel blessed for getting closer to some female coworkers. I am developing a friendship with 2 girls at my office now and it’s reassuring.

    2. I feel blessed for the Christmas party we gonna have tonight, the good food and the wine.

    3. I feel blessed for the good taste I have when it comes to fashion. Everyday, there is woman envying me for my style.

    Yay! I feel good!



  196.  #196VW on November 25, 2011 at 11:44 am

    Okay Sirens,

    the past few days haven’t been feeling too good…so, I wrote down some stuff…these are things I wrote over the course of a couple of days…it is my recent story…as much as a beat myself about some of the things I did…overall, I am actually doing pretty darn good…:)

    so, here is the 1st part:

    “Wow…
    What is the message here? Why did I hire this man to “beat” me up…?
    Feeling soo powerless…and gosh, angry and tense…
    I wonder did I just get played? And I fell for it beautifully?

    Is he just crazy…seeing things like me lying to him, sleeping with someone else…or is he playing a game? Projecting on me…to divert attention from himself?

    Argh…I feel sooo tempted to analyze… darn it…I want to “win”…wow…what the f*ck do I want to win? Being right? Getting a step ahead? Make him realize what fool he‘s been…? What’s the point…I think this dude is a pure asshole…

    What if is just intentionally playing me… it feels so bad… and I feel soo angry for falling for it…I felt so defensive being insinuated of having slept with someone else…wow…what a déjà vu again…I used to be him…and, I was crazy…:( I can see it very clearly…I did it to K1 and J…

    And now, this guy is here for over four weeks I get awful treatment…and I still stick around?!!!! What the fuck? What is wrong with me? What is this situation bringing up for me to heal?

    Okay, okay…I get it…part of me feels joyful for this opportunity to heal the part of me that needs healing in this context…but what is that? I can’t get the message? Forgiveness of Self for doing similar things to others in the past because I didn’t know how to communicate my needs? Is that it???

    I feel soo confused…and dreary….i feel tummy bulging…like something needs to get out…oh, heart feels achy…neck feels stiff…like an eagle…my eyes feel deepened and focused…

    Ah…confusing…does it mean i am close to a new breakthrough? Sigh…oh, that feels better…a bit release…

    Hmm…out of the blue…my mind directed me for the 1st time ever to see what man coaches man to do to get a woman…and I remembered about David D*eangelo…

    Wow…I know the guy I’ve been dating he’s been a proclaimed “celibate” and often will take pride in “games”…the good part about feeling vulnerable, men spill the bees…they talk a lot…we just have to pay attention…

    So, here is David D*eangelo advising men how to up their attraction in a woman…and how to get a woman fall for them…not be the nice guy, avoid taking them on another date…literally play games about it…and just get them to have sex …:(

    My dude apparently does most of the “game” part awesomely…building attraction, etc…but, I threw him off…Couple of weeks ago, he said he wants to see me…I said, “wow…that feels great…it would feel awesome to go out for a bit first…what do u think?” he responded “oh…I am on a budget…[sad face]”…I followed up…”oh, I understand…I really feel like going out for a bit though…what do u think we should do?”…he responded “well, how about I wait for u to get home…?”

    I agreed to it…I felt Rockstar enough to get my needs met out flirting and dancing…and have great sex at home…”

    to be continued…below…:



  197.  #197VW on November 25, 2011 at 11:49 am

    Okay Sirens,

    the past few days haven’t been feeling too good…so, I wrote down some stuff…these are things I wrote over the course of a couple of days…it is my recent story…as much as a beat myself about some of the things I did…overall, I am actually doing pretty darn good…:)

    so, here is the 1st part:

    “Wow…
    What is the message here? Why did I hire this man to “be*at” me up…?
    Feeling soo powerless…and gosh, angry and tense…
    I wonder did I just get played? And I fell for it beautifully?

    Is he just crazy…seeing things like me lying to him, sleeping with someone else…or is he playing a game? Projecting on me…to divert attention from himself?

    Argh…I feel sooo tempted to analyze…:( darn it…I want to “win”…wow…what the f&ck do I want to win? Being right? Getting a step ahead? Make him realize what fool he‘s been…? What’s the point…I think this dude is a pure as*shole…

    What if is just intentionally playing me…:( it feels so bad… and I feel soo angry for falling for it…I felt so defensive being insinuated of having slept with someone else…wow…what a déjà vu again…I used to be him…and, I was crazy…:( I can see it very clearly…I did it to K1 and J…

    And now, this guy is here and for over seven weeks I get awful treatment…and I still stick around?!!!! What the fu&ck? What is wrong with me? What is this situation bringing up for me to heal?

    Okay, okay…I get it…part of me feels joyful for this opportunity to heal the part of me that needs healing in this context…but what is that? I can’t get the message? Forgiveness of Self for doing similar things to others in the past because I didn’t know how to communicate my needs? Is that it???

    I feel soo confused…and dreary….i feel tummy bulging…like something needs to get out…oh, heart feels achy…neck feels stiff…like an eagle…my eyes feel deepened and focused…

    Ah…confusing…does it mean i am close to a new breakthrough? Sigh…oh, that feels better…a bit release…

    Hmm…out of the blue…my mind directed me for the 1st time ever to see what man coaches man to do to get a woman…and I remembered about David D*eangelo…

    Wow…I know the guy I’ve been dating he’s been a proclaimed “celibate” and often will take pride in “games”…the good part about feeling vulnerable, men spill the bees…they talk a lot…we just have to pay attention…

    So, here is David D*eangelo advising men how to up their attraction in a woman…and how to get a woman fall for them…not be the nice guy, avoid taking them on another date…literally play g*ames about it…and just get them to have s*ex …:(

    My dude apparently does most of the “g*ame” part awesomely…building attraction, etc…but, I threw him off…Couple of weeks ago, he said he wants to see me…I said, “wow…that feels great…it would feel awesome to go out for a bit first…what do u think?” he responded “oh…I am on a budget…[sad face]”…I followed up…”oh, I understand…I really feel like going out for a bit though…what do u think we should do?”…he responded “well, how about I wait for u to get home…?”

    I agreed to it…I felt Rockstar enough to get my needs met out flirting and dancing…and have great s*ex at home…”

    to be continued…below…:



  198.  #198VW on November 25, 2011 at 11:52 am

    continuation of above post:

    While I was out…he constantly txted me…I kindly responded on and off…I could tell by his messages he was tense (okay, me in his business assuming what he was thinking 🙁 )…later that nite, he came over…he was asking a lot of questions…I felt soft, playful…and happy…that would stir him become even more inquisitive…

    It turned out…he had difficulty releasing…I could tell he was awfully frustrated…:( in the morning, before he left, I asked him if he has other partners since we met…he immediately responded – and that sounded like being pissed off…”well, funny that u ask that…no, I did not…but that was all on my mind all nite…that’s why I couldn’t even cum…u are way too “open”… (he was referring to me being juicy and he could slide inside me easily…)…” yep, not a cool conversation…

    And recently, similar accusations…:(

    So, me taking care of me…yet, still being warm and soft…he doesn’t know what to do…but make up stuff in his mind…that I must be having s*ex with other men…I recently got pissed at his allegations…and I flat out told him “of course, I flirt with men…of course, I give them my number…of course, I am open to dates…are u f*king kidding me? Do I have to mope around wondering when K thinks I am worthy to be taken out on a date? No f*ck no…I take care of me…” …he was also puzzled that I go out alone to date myself…

    By the way, it did not start like this…in our fourth weekend together, after having enough of feeling attacked and blamed…(he has outbursts of anger)…I walked away…and left him in my home …and took care of me;…well, since…I made the mistake to contact him a week later…(leaned forward 🙁 )

    I expressed my feelings…he only mirrored me without trying to make it up …and a few days later…he said he can’t do the “relationship” thing…but we can be friends…yet, he immediately began flirting and seducing me…and the horny me…I fell for it…and true is, I thought we were back where we left off…but, I was wrong…

    Wow…as I type all these thoughts and memories…my gosh…that is the breakthrough…I am doing so fucking awesomely…My “play*a” is playing his own fu*cking game, all alone…cause now, I am really out…

    I am taking care of me…and I am doing something sooo frickIn*ng right…next, is stand by my boundaries…no “sex” without proper date…which is cool with me…now, that I got my vibe all going …like in an “instant”…Yay me…:)



  199.  #199VW on November 25, 2011 at 11:55 am

    continuation of above post:

    While I was out…he constantly txted me…I kindly responded on and off…I could tell by his messages he was tense (okay, me in his business assuming what he was thinking 🙁 )…later that nite, he came over…he was asking a lot of questions…I felt soft, playful…and happy…that would stir him become even more inquisitive…

    It turned out…he had difficulty releasing…I could tell he was awfully frustrated…:( in the morning, before he left, I asked him if he has other partners since we met…he immediately responded – and that sounded like being pissed off…”well, funny that u ask that…no, I did not…but I thought u do …that was all on my mind all nite…that’s why I couldn’t even cum…u are way too “open”… (he was referring to me being juicy and he could slide inside me easily…)…” yep, not a cool conversation…

    And recently, similar accusations…:(

    So, me taking care of me…yet, still being warm and soft…he doesn’t know what to do…but make up stuff in his mind…that I must be having s*ex with other men…I recently got pissed at his allegations…and I flat out told him “of course, I flirt with men…of course, I give them my number…of course, I am open to dates…are u f*king kidding me? Do I have to mope around wondering when K thinks I am worthy to be taken out on a date? No f*ck no…I take care of me…” …he was also puzzled that I go out alone to date myself…

    By the way, it did not start like this…in our fourth weekend together, after having enough of feeling attacked and blamed…(he has outbursts of anger)…I walked away…and left him in my home …and took care of me;…well, since…I made the mistake to contact him a week later…(leaned forward 🙁 )

    I expressed my feelings…he only mirrored me without trying to make it up …and a few days later…he said he can’t do the “relationship” thing…but we can be friends…yet, he immediately began flirting and seducing me…and the horny me…I fell for it…and true is, I thought we were back where we left off…but, I was wrong…

    Wow…as I type all these thoughts and memories…my gosh…that is the breakthrough…I am doing so fu&cking awesomely…My “play*a” is playing his own fu*cking game, all alone…cause now, I am really out…

    I am taking care of me…and I am doing something sooo frickIn*ng right…next, is stand by my boundaries…no “s*ex” without proper date…which is cool with me…now, that I got my vibe all going …like in an “instant”…Yay me…:)



  200.  #200Wants To Be Hopeful on November 25, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    To Ella & FeminineWoman:

    I think I am finally feeling hopeful. I looked up info about CRAFT (a program similar to Al Alon) on the internet, and though I read a book about it a few years ago, I remember skipping the chapters on taking care of yourself, thinking that I wanted to get to the meat of how to solve my husband’s drinking problem. Now when I read about CRAFT online and listen to the videos, CRAFT is first about taking care of yourself first (sound familiar), then learning to help your loved one to stop drinking.

    Watching the videos was very inspiring. One thing they said was that you need to be grateful for small progress. Big change takes a long time.

    And that made me think about how I have been so focused on grieving about the mistakes I made. And even though he has made some rather big changes in how he treats me due to me finally setting some boundaries (not drinking related), and has cut back to only drinking on weekends, I never thanked him for any of the changes because I didn’t want to bring up drinking or lean forward.

    So so after Thanksgiving dinner (just us, and not a drop of alcohol that day), I decided to tell him I was thankful for him, and so thankful, happy and so relieved that he respected my feelings and has made so many changes. I cried. He said something nice. And I thanked him again for making me happy. And then he said, “If you are happy, I am happy.” That was so sweet. I really needed to hear that.

    I still get so wound up when he is at happy hour on Fridays with friends and comes home drunk. I can’t even describe how painful it is – while he is gone, and after he comes home. My mind just runs so fast. I need to figure out how to make my thinking and worrying stop and focus on positive thoughts and positive outcomes, but it is so hard.

    I joined an online CRAFT group today. Hopefully I will gain from that.

    Thanks for reading.



  201.  #201Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Wants to be Hopeful change is not always easy but taking it babystep at a time will help with the progress. Appreciating him will help him to think of your happiness more.



  202.  #202Lizka on November 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I feel a little bit sicks. Makes me feel sad because I wantto enjoy my party tonight and not care about not having energy.

    I want to feel healthy!!!!!!!!



  203.  #203Rori Raye on November 25, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    natia – Circular Dating is not about “dating.” It’s not about getting a man. It’s a therapeutic tool that means you interact with people – especially men – using my Tools. It’s a practice place. It’s using my Tools “in the field” instead of alone.

    Please read everything you can here about Circular Dating – get Targeting Mr Right and Modern Siren and for sure the ebook Have The Relationship You Want if you can – they will give you the Tools you need to practice – and as you do – your obsession will lift and your self-esteem will rise, and your attractiveness to ALL men (including THIS one) will increase dramatically! Love, Rori



  204.  #204Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Emerson re 172…

    I’ve not read it but I read the info about it including what he is supposed to do if he is gonna marry you.

    SSU CD has done all of it.

    xoxoxo



  205.  #205Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Re 175,

    As I say I haven’t read the list yet… and in a way I am not in a hurry to do so… as Rori suggests that ALL men can be our therapists, and that using her tools can tranform men…. whereas the sense I got from reading about the list is it would tell us to drop the men who don’t meaure up??

    If so I would feel resentful of missing out mn my free therapy.

    xoxoxoxo



  206.  #206Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:18 pm

    Emerson re 182,

    Ow that feels scary to read. I feel sad thinking of you thinking you need medication because you feeling frustrated!

    Rori tools feel so much better.

    There is NOTHING wrong with you.

    You are a fascinating, unique woman shrouded in sexy mystery because you haven’t given yourself to a man yet. That man will have to be very sepcial… and VERY lucky.

    xoxox



  207.  #207Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Hi Ella
    Yes I recall you were saying that about SSU CD and how he’s been pursuing you….wow he sounds like a good guy!!!! Aside from the comments you mentioned that he was making that were prejudiced….I dunno perhaps he’s just not educated about it, and people can change their beliefs…I’ve seen it happen before…and he sounds decent overall that perhaps he can change his views…
    I know we’re not supposed to try to change them but anyways…

    I was referring to your post in 35 where you were mentioning CD1….and maybe a reminder that he’s not step up will help ease the urge to reach out….
    That’s what I’ve been trying to do with RecycledCD….it helps a lil bit…to remind myself that his committment “alarm” isn’t going off after this long…andhe’s not doing all the step up things on the list…so bye bye…

    hugs….



  208.  #208Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    206 awww thanks Ella…..that’s so sweet.
    I feel warm and smily reading that. I just tend to spiral pretty badly sometimes.

    205 Ella you can still keep the non-Listers on your CD rotation of course…but at least knowing they are probably not a husband prospect and not a keeper….not waste time hoping ….maybe just free therapy and communication practice.



  209.  #209Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    V W
    wow that’s intense…I would feel bad to be accused of something like that…and I feel afraid he is mirroring something…do you trust him?



  210.  #210Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Oh gosh…

    I feel so bored of POF guys.

    I feel complainy.

    I don’t feel grateful about my dating life at all.

    I feel ungrateful and selfish.

    Squeeky voice here – ‘Waaaaaahh!! ITS NOT FAIR!! Why do all my friends get good looking, hot, fun husbands and I don’t!!!! Why do I get boring, ugly men… why should I settle???? I want someone hot and fun who loves me! 🙁 Pout pout’

    Hmph, I don’t know… just would like a man I feel totally attracted to, I don’t want to have to settle of comprimise.

    Still in contact with SSU CD.

    Expressing the anger opened up some deeper conversation and he told me some stuff about why he uses that kind of humour…

    He is being lovely still.

    I can’t make myself feel attracted though…

    Should I give him a chance?



  211.  #211Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    Emerson re 207,

    Thanks.

    And yes I think he is a decent guy… just not sure if I can feel attracted, and I don’t want to have to MAKE myself feel attracted to a man!

    He is in the forces and lives in a very male orientated, competitive environment where that kind of talk is comonplace… although still doesn’t feel acceptable to me.

    Also he has opened up to me a bit… he was in a war country and suffers with post traumatic stress… he says he often uses humour to mask and cope with this…



  212.  #212Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    210 Ella yes give him a chance. It may or may not work out in the end but it is good to have someone like that in your CD rotation….and you never know.

    I was NOT attracted to my college boyfriend for the first few dates/weeks…I was focused on myself and what I was doing with my life and not attracted at all…he was older, but he really stayed persistent and he did a lot of the list things too….and I fell for him big time! Things didnt work out in the end….I think I was too young and insecure and needy…and he had alcoholic parent issues….but….

    If you would have told me that I’d fall for him even a couple months prior, I would have laughed!



  213.  #213Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    211 Ella the fact that he’s military is hot! 🙂 hee hee….
    No you cannot force yourself to feel attracted…but you’ll know in time if it will happen or not…
    Perhaps he will be a warm caring friend to CD while you look for Mr. Right….xoxoxox

    I don’t think El



  214.  #214Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    211 Ella the fact that he’s military is hot! 🙂 hee hee….
    No you cannot force yourself to feel attracted…but you’ll know in time if it will happen or not…
    Perhaps he will be a warm caring friend to CD while you look for Mr. Right….xoxoxox

    I don’t think El



  215.  #215VW on November 25, 2011 at 1:42 pm

    Hi Emerson,

    thank u for reading my posts…

    it’s weird…but i do…lately i feel amused by his “temper tantrums”…as i am dealing with a little kid…it does reduce the attraction though…

    he is a reflection of myself in sooo many ways…the good and the bad…the only difference between him and I …is that I learned to love and accept the ugly parts of myself…more and more…so, i don’t need to project much on anyone…i am a “cool” chick…and my “coolness” throws him off…because his mind set is still on winning a game…:( so he thinks i am playing a game…which i am not…is his own projection…:(

    so, i see him struggling creating all these stuff in his head…i feel a loving compassion for him many times…and yes, not attraction…

    hope this makes sense 🙂

    warm hugs,



  216.  #216Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    sorry i have spazzy fingers….lol 🙂

    ok well Ella sorry I feel weird I don’t want to tell you what to do “Yes give him a chance Ella”

    The better reply is:
    do what feels best for you Ella….what do you want / dont want??



  217.  #217Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Emerson… ok I will give him a chance.

    Do you know its weird… so much anger keeps coming out of me, and I don’t know why!!!!

    I just feel SO ANGRY!

    I feel like bashing him and yelling at him just for liking me and for not being hotter and then I feel so mean.

    And I don’t even know why I am angry.

    I mean why couldn’t CD1 or J or someone who I found really hot have fallen for me?????

    Why this guy.

    🙁

    And if they had have fallen for me would I have still found them as attractive?

    Why can’t I get a man who is crazy about me, and is still hot, and cool, and has a little bit of game… just enough to keep me on my toes.

    I know these are my issues.

    I know the point is to face our fear of intimacy, let the real men in, not the ones who keep us on our toes.

    Feeling fed up and finding this hard at the moment.

    Why am I such a messed up bunny?



  218.  #218Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    I was going to say…I don’t think Ella that you need to worry about having to settle at all…..you have so many options…you are so marketable and sweet and pretty and caring and a good communicator! I love your caring vibe…
    And I also feel that POF can be exhausting sometimes (or any dating site) because it seems to be the same duds on there…and it seems that these are the only guys on the market in a given area, which is not true…there are many more men out there!!!



  219.  #219Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    215 Hmm VW
    The fact that a guy has tantrums or is possesive/worried about a woman being with another man is kind of empowering and an ego boost…it’s a bit amusing especially if we are not that attracted…I’ve been in those shoes before, it gave me an ego boost and it was easy to be “cool” and a lil amused…but I’m not sure it’s really a healthy mindset to be in…kind of controlling from both sides…??

    I could be totally off here, and dont intend to offend you in any way VW….



  220.  #220VW on November 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    awww Ella, big hugs sweetie …

    what if this guy is helping you connect to the right feelings of safety, comfort you want in a relationship? or if he is just a messenger…? appreciation for these feelings is a must in my book…

    it’s like a beautiful painting…everyday the right color, inspiration is brought to us in some shape or form…

    we only need to recognize it and appreciate it for what it is…till, the entire painting is completed with exactly what we’ve been desiring in our dreams…

    connecting to these feelings at a deep level is the key…to recreate them over and over again…and now, i know…it is possible with different men…:)

    you are doing awesomely Siren!

    warm hugs,



  221.  #221Ella on November 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Emerson,

    I do want to give him a chance.

    Anyway CD-ing means I can date him and it doesn’t have to mean anything…

    xoxox



  222.  #222VW on November 25, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Emerson:

    hmm…no, i am not offended…i have used “control” a few times with him…:( and that is part of my old behavior still trying to heal and let go of…

    leaning forward to him was a means to control…:( very good observation…thank u 🙂

    warm hugs,



  223.  #223VW on November 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    what i also noticed…is that holding on to anger, bitterness is also a means to control the other person…we keep them at arms length…

    i feel sooo happy i haven’t done that to no other man this year…

    i work on my anger…see where i did not honor my boundary…give it some love…riff ab it…and then, i feel like a new “baby”…all sweet, soft, playful…loving…i never thought that was possible for me…:)



  224.  #224Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    136 – Yep Ella I did need me time and I didn’t give that to myself.

    I couldn’t avoid him last night anyway because he was on his way over before I’d even sent the text. I’m not sure what happened while he was out though, because he wasn’t very talkative last night.

    But what I do gather is that he was NOT out with that other woman, and I do know he had a bad day – brought on by his own actions and he ended up having the married woman feeling VERY angry with him. So I’m not sure how that ended, although she was out with her husband last night so who knows??? I do know where he was though. FB is wonderful for that….

    Ella, I think we need to have one last “heavy” talk, and that’s the talk about when he said he’d offer me what I want. We need to come up with something that works for both of us. He has female friends and I have male friends. If this is going to work, we’re going to have to work out how to deal with this without either of us getting jealous or upset.

    I think that’s partly my issue right now. I feel unsure and apprehensive and on edge because he had asked me to dinner to discuss all of this, but he had to cancel, then I had to cancel, so a new date is yet to be set. I think we both need to discuss our boundaries before we’re free to just see how things go.

    Thank you for your advice – you and RG were right about the “me” time. I should’ve done something like that….



  225.  #225Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    152: Lili 41- yep good point. And when we finally find a night when we’re both free and can discuss this I know I’ll begin to feel better.

    I didn’t invite him over last night (actually, I NEVER invite him over!), but home to me is where he chose to be last night, so I do need to give him more credit… stupid NV’s just keep on at me then I am a mess!!! 🙁



  226.  #226Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Hmmm, there is this girl who moves in the same social circles as me, and I have noticed her taking the p8ss out of me… and mocking me… in relation to the fact that I am so in to Zumba..

    And the worst of it is she does it with Pubman, who I used to have a thing with, and she was doing it the last time I let him kiss me.

    And when I realised I said to her ‘that feels bad when people mock what you do’… but she kinda fobbed it off.

    Well I just saw a comment in the newsfeed on facebook that she made on his profile still taking the micky out of it.

    I feel all hot, and prickly up the back of my neck.

    Is he taking the micky out of me too? And then being nice and kissing me to my face?

    Urgh, I feel triggered.

    I feel angry and afraid and like a social outcast.

    And so angry when I am doing something I care about and some stupid, clueless idioot decides to mock what I do.

    Urgh I feel hateful towards her and I feel humiliated and like a loser outsider. Like being at school again.



  227.  #227Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    Feel like such a social outcast, outsider sometimes.



  228.  #228Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    167: Emerson – OMG I do that with TH, telling him goodbye and that it’s best we go our separate ways, I wish him all the best and I’m grateful for the time we had together.

    It’ll be interesting to see if Recycled reacts to that. TH always has – and here we are, still on our rollercoaster.

    Sometimes I think it would have been best if it had just ended with us – life would be much simpler!

    And yeah, it is definitely a control thing which is something I also struggle with.. xxx



  229.  #229Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    VW – thank you.

    xoxox



  230.  #230Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    226
    Ella
    this girl who is mocking, she must be really intimidated/jealous of such a hot siren such as you with talent…wih your Zumba..and you are soo soo brave to have your own business…I mean I really admire you for that!!!!!

    Hmmm…this troubled girl who likes to talk sh*t…what shall we do with her??? I say pretend she does not exist. Just poof! And she is only vapor….



  231.  #231Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    178: Emerson – What about late 30’s too Emerson? S is 38 and he’s great. Obviously we’ve only had one date, but after spending the last year and a half with TH who’s only 31, I’m thinking 38 is wonderful! Even 35-36 would work for me, cos like you, the older 40’s guys just seem too old for me.

    I look and act younger than I am too, and I’m quite active. So I think that’s why I’m looking for younger…



  232.  #232Butterfly Wings on November 25, 2011 at 2:22 pm

    180: Emerson – See? You could EASILY go someone a few years younger ! 😉



  233.  #233Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Hmmm, think I am actually angry at myself for still having some feelings for this guy who clearly doesn’t give much of a sh8t about anyone else but himself (Pubguy).

    Like why heck do I even give him the time of day when he has not done anything to deserve it???!!!!

    So its actually me I feel angry at.

    And last time I saw him there was this other man after me… who I kinda like, and I chose Pubguy…

    Grrrrr.

    Oh, well.

    Lesson finally learnt.

    Urgh I feel cross and sick.



  234.  #234Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I’ve been avoiding FB lately because I find it triggering with the holidays….people with their babies and families celebrating..I feel shame for being jealous and feeling cynnical and annoyed by the posts of “blah blah so thankful for my babies and best hubby ever” or some such message…my eyes roll and then I feel like a bad person 🙄



  235.  #235Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    233 Ella..
    Pubguy….. Correct me if I’m wrong, but is he the one who had another girl and was kind of non-committal and not 100 % honest with you? If so, you know you deserve SOO much more…but those guys with unfinished business with other women can be real convincing in the moment…

    Also, the other guy that’s pursuing you while you were choosing pubguy instead…if you were to see/talk to him again he perhaps is not all that either…I only say that because I idealized OceanCD thinking I passed him up for the wrong reasons…and when I saw him again I realized why I passed on him in the first place. No attraction plus kinda weird.



  236.  #236Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Ella my point is don’t be too hard on yourself for passing up that other guy….

    Sorry you are feeling cross (that word is so cute and British, I love using it)

    Well miss lovely, hugs to you!!!! (((Ella)))



  237.  #237VW on November 25, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Emerson #234:

    i so relate to feeling judgmental and put off of other family happiness on fb 🙁

    sigh…

    i’ve disconnected my account often…and i will do it again for a few weeks…

    i notice i feel judgmental twds some of my gfs or (former gf anyway)…i know they are nothing but sucking the blood out of the men they are with…so, yes, i feel nausea…reading any of their posts…

    what i also notice…they also never comment/post on my wall…just once in while send an email…”hey how’s going for u…still haven’t found him?…oh, we are doing so well…blah, blah, blah…”…arghhh…

    i feel angry…yep…i love u, my dear anger…



  238.  #238Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Emerson,

    Thank you for the support. Feels good.

    Its just weird cus this girl has something I want, as in she is centre of the social circle…. and I always wish I had that…

    And I often wonder at what price.

    Like I see these girls doing all kind of things to be part of the social circle and I just think ‘really??!!’ and on the other hand I feel jealous, and want to be part of that.

    But I won’t sell myself out for that.

    I want to be around people who respect me.

    And often I worry about people thinking I am too much ‘hard work’ cus I speak up when stuff feels bad, like people being racist… instead of just joining in the ‘fun’.



  239.  #239Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Emerson re 235

    Yep… that all sounds pretty spot on…

    xoxox



  240.  #240Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    237 VW
    …”hey how’s going for u…still haven’t found him?…oh, we are doing so well…blah, blah, blah…”…arghhh

    ********

    Wow oh my gowsh…..it felt bad to read that….sounds very condescending.

    Yah…I’ve pretty much lost all my married friends, they don’t even reply to my emails/phone calls and they NEVER reach out to me. It’s like I don’t exist sometimes because I’m single. I know if I had a husband and a baby on the way, they’d be ALL OVER ME. 🙁 Feeling sad for me.

    I had married a friend tell me once while I was having some dating woes (she was well meaning I’m sure)..
    “well Emerson, someday hopefully you will meet
    a guy just as great as my husband here, Mr. D”….

    Ummm what?? I swear, our friendship was never the same after that, it just felt weird/off and I felt like she thought she was above me in status orwhatever…



  241.  #241Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 2:54 pm

    238 Ella stick to your values and good for you for not chiming in with childish joking…
    I know what you mean about the social circle stuff but believe me….that group will be disbanded as time goes on and it wont matter at all. whatsoever. nada.

    It really really does not matter….who cares if she is the center of attention. Come to think of it, you ARE the center of attention every time you do ZUMBA!!!! So awesome….and you’re doing something healthy and productive, not just making a spectacle of yourself which is what it sounds like she/they are diong to get the attention in the first place.



  242.  #242Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 2:55 pm

    231 and 232 BW thank you 🙂



  243.  #243Ella on November 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    What am I supposed to do with this?

    So I am feeling kinda crappy about myself atm. Tired and cranky and unsure about SSU CD.

    And he just keeps being full on and sending me compliments and saying how I turn him on and stuff… and I am feeling unsure, and kinda luke warm, and finding it hard to deal with his full on approach when I am feeling unsure.



  244.  #244Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Ella…hmmm
    Perhaps tell him how you feel…tired and cranky?
    Like aww thanks for the compliments, but feeling tired and cranky atm…
    maybe he will bring you chinese food or ice cream…hee hee…and you can have a friend there to cheer you up…???
    Don’t put pressure on yourself…
    No urgency…
    One day/moment at a time…
    You can take your time…



  245.  #245tenny on November 25, 2011 at 3:03 pm

    @ Emerson (post 234):

    FB can be so one dimensional. People purposely put that stuff up there to make themselves seem interesting. People target other people on fb (I was a serious victim involving my ex and his family/friends posting pictures of him and his new woman). I “un-friended” him and severed that whole crew. I also un-friended some family members. I chose who to associate with. It’s okay to feel the way you do because in reality you are responding to what these people’s fabrications and exaggerations! I now use fb for positive posting and healing messages. All the fluff is gone. Another thing, under all those smiles and baby posts are the same crap we as single women are going through, the same insecurities – EVERYTHING. But we have an advantage – we are improving ourselves and our relationships . . . they will still be posting and hiding their truths while we flourish and evolve! Heads up siren – embrace the feelings and realize it’s all fluff and fabrication that is triggering you 🙂



  246.  #246Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    245 thx tenny



  247.  #247Ella on November 25, 2011 at 3:07 pm

    Emerson,

    Yes good idea.

    And I am not gonna worry about that girl.

    Silly lil, poor girl.

    And I am just gonna be me… screw it if people don’t like me.

    xoxox



  248.  #248tenny on November 25, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Just got off the phone with a CD. He seems to be pursuing me hotly, and I’m feeling triggered. Almost went down into my old pits, but I’m feeling it and embracing the yuck feelings in me. He’s nice, but assertive. We are scheduled to go out on for dinner this week. He is coming on strong in a way and that is triggering me. I’m open, unzippering my heart, in my dance position. And I’m scared



  249.  #249Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    228 BW
    I don’t know if Recycled will respond at all to this.
    I have told him in the past the same thing, andhe’s come back. But not sure this time. I am trying not to think about it. I feel like he’s so exhausting and I feel sad about it. He needs to jsut go away. I don’t feel emotionally safe with him anymore.



  250.  #250Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    Ella regarding SSU CD you could also do nothing and not reply to the texts if you don’t feel like it. Just turn your phone off and do your nails and watch tv or something. 🙂



  251.  #251Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    247 tenny
    sounds exciting going on a dinner date 🙂
    but I understand the fear…



  252.  #252Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    I’m feeling tempted to communicate to Ocean why I never replied…but it’s really a non issue at this point in time. I’ts almost like HE self sabotaged by texting me when I toldhim I dont like it. Ack….sigh.
    Why am I even talking about it. No I don’t think I’ll reply to him at all. I’m done.

    I heard back from the potential online CD that keeps mentioning other women and he said he will not mention other women anymore….that was nice….also he tried to smooth things over with small talk about Thanksgiving and kept it light…that was nice too.

    I’m not really attracted to him so far looking at his pic, not taht he’s bad looking, hes in great shape for his age…ten years older than me…but he is nice and I’m getting my practice. I’m not drawn to him at all. Hmm. But he’s being responsive and seems to be pretty successful, etc.



  253.  #253Starla on November 25, 2011 at 4:04 pm

    cf came and picked me up for lunch, but i felt sick and not hungry, so we drove around aimlessly and then we passed by the house i lived in for years, so i made us go down memory lane:)

    Yes, I was rowing, but I’m a spazz and I was like “ooh, memories!”

    then i did feel hungry, so we stopped at a diner on the side of the road, and we ate breakfast food.

    CF told me, “i was actually planning on taking you for sushi for lunch, but when you said you weren’t hungry, i thought we’d go some other time.”

    awww, there i went again, screwing up his nice plans.

    it was such a sweet idea – i love sushi.

    then he asked how late i would be up, because he wants to come see me tonight at home. And when I wasn’t sure about how late i’d be up, he was just like “actually i’ll just move my plans so i can see you tonight.”

    awww. it feels good when he steps up.

    then he started saying some nonsense about getting married in vegas by an elvis impersonator… ummmmm…. lol *blush*



  254.  #254tenny on November 25, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    @ Starla

    He’s stepping up lovely!!!



  255.  #255tenny on November 25, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    @ Emerson:

    I’m looking forward to the date, but He’s so assertive and interested. I should be flattered, but this approach is so new to me. I feel out of sorts, but I intend to have a good experience getting to know him. Have another date with a different CD on Tuesday for late lunch 🙂 I’m in rotation!



  256.  #256Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    255 tenny
    If they are TOO assertive in the beginning,,,it can feel a little intimidating…wow he must really be into you…I know what you mean though because it tends to make me feel a bit cornered or something when they are like that…..\

    Maybe practice a feeling message??



  257.  #257Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    I feel thankful for all the sirens on here and for Rori’s advice…

    I feel thankful for a place to write out my feelings and thoughts…where I don’t feel judged.

    I feel thankful to have this forum to get advice and feedback and feel comfort

    Wow what did I do before I found this? Aw man I was leaning forward all the time!

    Thank you



  258.  #258Starla on November 25, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    a nice man invited me out for what would be a very fun time tomorrow night, but i’m going to bed early so i can get up early the next day and cook for the dinner where i’m meeting cf’s family.

    feeling grateful that i’m still getting asked out even though cf has been making so many plans with me that i am already booked when other guys ask me out.



  259.  #259Starla on November 25, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    omg. on phone with cf a second ago. he said to call him when i get home so he can plan our night together. i called him and started to feel cranky because i have cramps from hell, and he thought it was his distracted driving conversation that was agitating me, so he said sorry he’s not very good at conversation right now, and i said “nooo i’m not good at conversation because i hate life right now” lol.

    his response? “sounds like someone needs a backrub.”

    awwwwwwwwwwww then i melt.



  260.  #260LILI 41 on November 25, 2011 at 5:47 pm

    188:

    Awww, Starla,

    You are so fortunate to have each other as friends.
    I have 2, and 1 has moved a 5 or 6 hour drive away 🙁
    I miss her.
    My 2 best friends are people that do not judge, they are rather supportive.
    I love that about them. I wish I had more of those.



  261.  #261Starla on November 25, 2011 at 6:01 pm

    LILI, we are lucky girls to have friends like that:):)

    and to have this blog, too!



  262.  #262tenny on November 25, 2011 at 6:03 pm

    @ Emerson:

    Excellent advice hun, thank you!! I’m going to script out some feeling messages for the date and put some in there about how his assertiveness makes me feel. I’m going to pay attention to my feelings next time we speak. We were actually talking about male and female energy and he let me know he totally agrees with my (our 🙂 ) approach! That was reassuring indeed!!



  263.  #263LILI 41 on November 25, 2011 at 6:07 pm

    Awwww, I’m all gushy.

    D just went to meet his 2 sisters at his 3rd sister’s place. She has money problems and lives by herself.
    They just surprised her with a brand new microwave oven coz hers just died on her.

    He called to tell me all about it. It was so cute how he was all proud and delighted that she was so happy to receive the gift out of nowhere.

    That was so sweet of him, and especially his reaction afterwards. He was loving it.
    He can’t act that way w his 3 sisters, being the only man aside from his dad, and not know how to treat a woman.

    I’ll be back tomorrow morning to catch up on all the posts.
    Goodnight sister sirens! xox



  264.  #264Starla on November 25, 2011 at 6:27 pm

    ok i am listening to sad songs and crying on purpose
    lolll i feel magical and feminine on my period right now.

    and agitated as f*ck hehe



  265.  #265luzydel on November 25, 2011 at 7:00 pm

    Been thinking and perhaps I am not built for long term relationships. I have tried many times, I am not possessive, psycho, mean or anything alike. But men leave, Like after several months of good moments out of no where, they do not want to continue.

    Some of us are meant to be alone…I need to embrace that and let it be…



  266.  #266Femininewoman on November 25, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    We are all social beings. We just have to pay attention to what we create in our relationshps and be open to change if necessary.



  267.  #267Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    OMG…..LOL I just filled out the questionnaire for Eharmony just for fun (you can do it without actually paying to join) and they came back saying there are no matches for me….
    haha



  268.  #268Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    Luzydel…. 🙁 hugs to you girl you are so pretty…you will not be alone!!



  269.  #269Emerson on November 25, 2011 at 8:48 pm

    Is everyone out shopping for black Friday???



  270.  #270Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 12:45 am

    I’m feeling stuck/lost.



  271.  #271Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 12:48 am

    ARGH!!! Alright sirens! I give you all permission to send me a virtual slap!!! 🙁

    We had another fight tonight and I started it and I now realise just how damaged I am from being cheated on by my ex, because I am totally making TH pay for it! OMG!!!

    Last night he wasn’t with that woman, nor was he with any woman. He had two drinks with his housemates after working late, and was on his way to my house by the time I texted him accusing him of being with that other woman. What is wrong with me?????????

    So I sent him an apology (he was really mad when he left here), and admitted to my serious trust issues and said I needed to either forgive him (TH broke my trust a few weeks ago) and let things progress without the accusations and drama, or walk away.

    I said I’d prefer the first option but that I had some healing to do and it wouldn’t be easy. So if he wanted to stick around to help me with that, then I’d really appreciate it.

    He’s going out with the boys to a soccer game tonight, so I wished him a good night (and I meant it) and will leave things until he’s ready to talk to me again.

    Argh! I’m so so so so so soooooo silly!!!!!! :-\



  272.  #272Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 12:51 am

    And btw before you all say something, when he broke my trust, he didn’t actually “do” anything. And I only found out about it when he came clean without any prompting from me. And I’m sure I wasn’t helping by constantly accusing him of doing things.

    I suppose if you constantly use your lack of trust as a way of beating someone up, eventually you’re going to push them to do it. So that’s my responsibility.

    If I want us to move forward, I need to let it go and give him a chance to prove to me that he’s worth keeping. So far I’ve not given him a chance to do that.

    argh!



  273.  #273English Woman on November 26, 2011 at 1:46 am

    #238 Ella

    I speak out at my workplace and although it hasn’t been to the liking of my work colleagues at times I am not sitting there listening to a racist remark even if it is only a “joke” and when they start talking dirty (young males) I tell them to cut it out or walk out of the office for a breather. They don’t do it when the boss is around of course, I was telling my sister and we said although it is not illegal or against work rules but if it makes you uncomfortable then you don’t have to hear it.

    Same for you speaking up and going against the “in crowd”, it’s better than stuffing it all down when it matters to YOU.



  274.  #274English Woman on November 26, 2011 at 1:53 am

    I responded to Ella’s post yesterday about SSU, I don’t like judgemental people and it triggered something in me, maybe because my ex husband was that way, having strong points of view about certain “types” of people and things (not racist) while I am more open………..mmmmm…….

    And Ella when I saw your SSU guy has been in the military and has come back here from those war zones then my heart opened up to him. Living with males so much has obviously shaped his personality, kind of like those males I work with above, the boys club, in our office there is old me 🙂 and 4 others in their 20’s – 3 of them males and the one girl is a tomboy, so they do get carried away with themselves.

    So I have changed my view on SSU, and think you should give him a chance. 🙂 Maybe his judgemental views are just a shield he is using for the moment and you can help him heal. Only time will tell…..



  275.  #275English Woman on November 26, 2011 at 3:00 am

    #274 Me

    Oh and I don’t mean help him heal as in a Miss Fixit way which was my previous way of doing things, helping, advise, do do do, no I mean like Rori says opening up your heart to him with FM’s so he feels safe and able to drop his shield.



  276.  #276English Woman on November 26, 2011 at 3:06 am

    You want to go to him. You want to ask him
    what’s wrong. You want to know if you did
    something or said something to upset him. You want
    to make it better.

    But none of this seems to be helping, so you
    redouble your efforts. You pay him even more
    attention. Maybe you cook special dishes for him
    or dress more seductively.

    Or maybe you try to convince him how great a
    woman and girlfriend you are. And it only gets
    worse, doesn’t it? He withdraws even more.

    So what is it you need to do?

    1.The first thing you need to do is open your
    heart wide, and keep it soft and inviting, no
    matter how panicked you might feel inside, no
    matter how desperate and scared.

    2.Then you must leave him alone.

    Whatever it is that’s going on with him, you
    have to let him sort it out for himself.

    3.And then you MUST stop thinking about this.
    You MUST take your thoughts away from him and what
    he’s thinking, doing, planning.

    You must leave him space to come to you if he
    wants to.

    He may, or he may not. And you must be okay
    however this plays out.

    4.If he does come to you, you listen.

    You take in all he says with apt attention. You
    be his sounding board, but DO NOT offer advice
    unless he asks.

    If you feel sure you have a good solution, you
    can ask him if he’d like to hear your suggestion.
    He may accept or he may not.

    There’s really no point to giving advice to a
    man unless he asks for it – you’ll end up making
    him feel defensive, and he’ll start looking at you
    more as his “mother” than as his lover.

    It’ll make things worse, and make him withdraw
    even more.

    You must be okay with whatever he says.

    Men like to solve their own problems. Yours too
    in fact! So keep this in mind at all times.

    5.Lastly, you must go and take care of
    yourself.

    Fill your days with activities that inspire
    you. Try something new – maybe a new form of dance
    or exercise class or a cooking class, how about
    some form of art, pottery drawing, painting, or
    take a class at the local community college,
    anything that interests you.

    Following these guidelines in this way will
    give him a feeling of safety – and give you your
    best chance of drawing him back in close to you.

    And if this is a good man and more especially
    if he’s your “the one,” your energy will be so
    inviting, your absorption in the world will be so
    intriguing, he won’t be able to help himself!

    I know it’s hard to allow all of this to be on
    HIS timetable, and not yours – and yet it’s the
    fastest way to bring him back to you.

    If you’d like extra help to open your heart,
    relax and be inviting around him, and NOT get
    crazy when he withdraws so that he’ll come right
    back to you more quickly – try out my Sex and
    Heart ebook.It’ll raise your self-esteem, make you
    feel better instantly, and give you so many exact
    Tools to feel better inside yourself and attract
    your man back to you quickly.

    I wrote it for you because if I could create
    the brilliant relationship I have now with my man
    from the “horror pit” I was in – I KNOW that you
    can, too.

    Take a look at Sex and Heart right here:

    http://www.loveromancerelationship.com/sex-and-heart/

    Try these steps – you’ll see a change in your
    man right away – and be sure to let me know how
    they work for you.

    Sincerely, Tinque



  277.  #277Daria on November 26, 2011 at 3:36 am

    oh my gosh i finally saw everyone for thanksgiving

    my kids came to the door and theyre like we miss you so much!!

    oh it felt so lovely

    i connect SO WELL with kids nowadays – i used to feel SCARED of kids. i used to get the impression they were judging me … as weird and not good enough and not someone they would play with

    mmmm

    feel so good and felt so loved by my sis sis

    and some guy came thru

    the CD guy sent another guy to come

    then HE calle don the phone.. then i was like wait who is this and he seemed to get grumbly thta i didnt know for sure who he was and passed the phone to someone else

    this felt bad to me in my tummy

    i feel sad

    i feel sad for our lovely connection that was… in my imagination

    big hugs to me

    i spend the nite at a CD house to help me be weher i wanted to be in the morning

    but i didnt feel touched the same way

    this CD kept leaning back physically and didn’t touch me in that attentive way SexualCD touched me

    and i feel sad about that

    also visions of SexualCD’s huge penis came to me when i was seeing this other guy’s penis, which was pretty big, but

    SexualCD’s is huge and it was like making this guy’s seem not so interesting … well maybe im triggered into a ‘comparing mode’

    sigh

    i want to feel physically sexually and emotionally connected and loved

    and thats easy with my new tools of telephone

    also ive been tapping with Margaret Lynch’s EFT chakra clearings and daaang

    i felt this opening in my 5th chakra – ie the throat

    i generally almost vonstantly feel like im choked or my mouth is tight

    and now it felt like the energy was warm and loving and much’bigger’. and i felt this werid pressure i remember from beign young, this familiar, heavy feleign like i cant breathe…

    maybe it from the cord around my enck when i was born

    yeah and i felt it more than usual when i di dthe EFT tapping on the throat

    so cool

    i call it to myself “the undescribable feeling”

    its like having a big boulder on top of my chest and also familiar cozy homy and kinda curious/pleasurable/interesting



  278.  #278Daria on November 26, 2011 at 3:37 am

    im also doing tapping on the 6th chakra and 7th, 3rd eye and crown,

    and it feels good my eyes feel all rested and my head feels calm and cool

    i feel holy and pure energetically like when i came back from romania

    awesome

    i feel grateful



  279.  #279Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 3:46 am

    I feel like crying. I sent a heartfelt apology and nothing. No reply at all. My only adult communication has been with my ex husband tonight, who was out with his girlfriend, her daughter and our daughter earlier. How sad is that???? Great for him, but makes me realise how sad my own life is… 🙁

    If I’m going to be ignored on a Saturday night, I’d rather it be because I’m single and don’t have anybody around who I would expect to at least acknowledge that I’ve texted.

    i’m not sure I can stay with TH. I’m not happy, I am constantly triggered by his actions and I really can’t handle it. At all! 🙁



  280.  #280Daria on November 26, 2011 at 3:58 am

    omg i feel so fresh and healthy

    i HIGHLY recommend this Margaret Lynch tapping program

    I’ve actually felt DRAWN to doing it!

    and just a lil bit of tapping really seems to make a shift . even in the way i think and see things

    and i can feel stuff happenign in my body,

    it feels exciting and scary that such big seeming change can happen from just a lil bit of intention and tapping

    this program is really working for me and it feels surprisign and exciting



  281.  #281Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 3:59 am

    I hate feeling like this. I’ve never felt like this with ANY man before and I hate it! So why am I still here????

    I KNOW on an intellectual level that I can do better than this. I can have a man who adores me and shows me and tells me so all the time.

    So what am I doing with this man who seems to have a huge wall up, and only occasionally shows me the real him and how much he cares about me?

    And why am I giving him all the power? In the past you would’ve thought how well I handled things. I was “cding” to some extent with my last ex, although once we started seeing each other, only gf’s got “dates”. But I had it all worked out and he pursued me.

    My first ex actually followed me 12 hours away, and begged me to come back and live with him – we’d known each other 2 weeks!

    Why am I keeping this in my life?? Why am I punishing myself???

    I know I have a lot of healing over the cheating to work through but why have I got this man here in front of me who creates so much pain for me? Or is it me causing that pain? Is it my NV’s going crazy???

    Why have I cried so many tears over this man? Why haven’t I run away – fast????

    And why did I try to end things via text – again?? Yep I just sent him one, saying I just can’t handle it and that I feel resentful of the fact that I’m at home feeling miserable about what happened today while he’s out having fun. I also said that I want someone who cares enough to respond to my texts – especially when I’m in obvious pain and trying to apologise.

    He has responded. But he’s drunk. So what he has said means nothing to me. He said he’s too drunk to talk but sent smilies etc. Meh.

    S hasn’t contacted me since Thursday (it’s Saturday night now) either. But I know he has his kids, so that could be why. Or it could be my crappy vibe telling him to run very fast…

    So yeah I’m feeling like I just want to remove EVERY man from my life right now and start again. I wish it was that simple..



  282.  #282Daria on November 26, 2011 at 4:00 am

    many times my head will feel tired and cloudy, my eyes will feel like closing and ill feel fuzzy headed

    i feel no fuzzy headed ness

    and the tightness around my brain it feels just comfortable right now

    i feel so pleasant in my head righ tnow

    yay

    i fele moved!



  283.  #283Daria on November 26, 2011 at 4:03 am

    my mom put out fresh sheets and i put them on the bed and my room smells fresh right now

    and feels more singing harmonious



  284.  #284Daria on November 26, 2011 at 4:33 am

    its so cool cuz all these sensations i thought had to do with tiredness, or maybe with smoking, they all heal and clear with emotional tapping around the chakras

    wow!

    its emotional stuff

    so cool

    yay



  285.  #285Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 4:42 am

    BW sorry but your tirade sounds like you are your worst enemy. It gives the impression that you are not even willing to change.



  286.  #286Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:30 am

    285 FW – hmm… I feel a bit defensive. Because I **think** I am willing to change…? But I know that your words are purely to help me, so I will choose to see them as helpful rather than anything negative…

    And I have changed – a LOT over the last year and a half. But I do know there’s more to do.

    And here’s my dilemma now….

    He said to me in a text the other day that he would give me what I want – which of course was a “real” relationship. I replied with “Really?” and he said “We’ll talk about it at dinner tonight”.

    Now, dinner never happened, and is yet to happen. So for me this is feeling very “up in the air”.

    Also, what a relationship means for him (and me) is 100% exclusivity. So no more romantic dates with anybody else. And that really scares me and I’m no longer sure I can be exclusive anymore, unless several things change.

    I need to feel like I’m cherished and cared for, and I need some certainty in my life. Right now he can’t give me any of that.

    I want somebody who only goes out with his friends as an exception to the rule – cos most of the time he’s out with me. Yep, he likes my company THAT much! :-0

    I want somebody who prefers my company to that of other women, ANY DAY.

    I want somebody who does not let other women in his bedroom and especially not his bed (he has some female friends in the past who he is not romantically involved with and never has been, who he has let sleep over – in his bed – I hate that, even though I trust that nothing happened).

    I want somebody who will not pursue any other woman or who thinks cheating is ok. He hasn’t cheated but he’s done the pursuit thing, although I know that’s stopped and will probably never happen again.

    I want somebody who enjoys taking me to lunch on a regular basis – just because he knows it’ll make me happy.

    I want somebody who is proud to show me off as his – even if it’s just so all the other guys know they don’t stand a chance. I suppose I’m just used to being with guys who think I’m “all that” and more… :-\

    I want somebody who doesn’t shut me out and wants me to be a major part of his life.

    I know I can’t tell him I want these things, right? But I don’t want to be 100% exclusive with somebody till things are like that. And silly me thought that these should be things that automatically happen with the right man, right?

    So how do I communicate that without sending him a list of demands, cos we all know how much he’ll love that. Or am I just best to walk away????

    Of course I have a part to play in all of this as well. And the first thing I need to do is learn to trust him again, and I need to drop all of the drama!

    The thing is, NO man has ever been subjected to my emotional cr@p before ever! In fact, I’ve never felt so emotionally unstable with anybody before!

    That’s because right from day 1, I knew they loved me. I knew I was their one and only and I knew they didn’t want anybody else. I’ve not had that with TH at all.

    And if I have it now, then how do I inspire him to want to give me all those things???

    I feel so confused. And I feel very much like I’m selling myself way short. But at the same time I really do love him and I really do want this to work. Although I have doubts as to whether he is even capable of giving me the secure feelings I need to feel…. 🙁



  287.  #287Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:33 am

    Oooo! I’m expecting HIM to make me feel a certain way….NOT good….



  288.  #288Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:37 am

    Ok. The dating thing I can get around – by only dating people I’m not romantically interested in. Which has worked in the past, although I don’t want to push S off my horse just yet, cos he is just so lovely!

    And I need to find myself some more female friends to do things with. Sitting at home feeling lonely is NOT a good way to take my mind off TH.

    I also need to cherish and care for ME. If he’s not going to do it, then I need to step up. I am letting myself down. Although tonight I did take my mind off things and did a bit of “preening”…

    And I suppose I can respond positively to the good things he does, and turn my back and walk away when he does things I don’t like. But I need to express when I feel negative feelings too – but not in a blaming way.



  289.  #289Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:39 am

    And then I need to DROP it and never bring it up again – unless the same behaviour happens. And then I need to decide if it’s a dealbreaker for me….

    And here comes the hard part…. I need to walk away if there is a dealbreaker happening…. Ick… 🙁



  290.  #290Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:46 am

    I just want to feel like I am loved. And right now I definitely don’t feel loved. At all… 🙁

    And I’m not sure why he’s still hanging around. If he doesn’t love me, is he only with me because he can’t be bothered finding somebody else? That feels icky…

    But I can’t think of any other reason as to why he’s still “with” me, AND offering me a real relationship.

    Am I potentially underestimating his actions? Or is that just wishful thinking?

    So so confused! 🙁



  291.  #291Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:54 am

    Hmm.. I think I worked out another part of the problem. Both my ex husbands and I were living together after only 2-3 weeks. So I never had the situation where he lived at his house, and I lived at mine, and we therefore had separate lives.

    Instead, our lives were combined after less than a month. So of COURSE neither of them would have been going out and doing their thing when they knew I was going to be at home!

    Am I expecting TH to want to spend every single night with me too? This situation is much different.

    But it HAS been a year and a half… although it was only this week that he offered me something “real”… so should I just give this thing time, to see what this means for us???

    I need to go get some sleep….



  292.  #292Ice Princess on November 26, 2011 at 6:00 am

    Butterfly Wings, I have the same problem as you. It’s almost like I need LP to stay with me so that I can be confident in our relationship.



  293.  #293LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 6:04 am

    281:

    (((BW))),

    The place we are at w ouselves is what we will attract. We will either attract the man or the behaviour from the man that will mirror where we are at. Whatever your complaint is what the mirror reflects back to you.
    So whatever he does in his own way, we do in our own way.
    This has been true for me throughout every single relationship I’ve had, even a 3 month dating relationship, even my 7 year marriage, even my 5 year live-in relationship, even my 7 month relationship…all of them.
    Every time I look into the mirror at my complaints about them, I find my deep true self reflecting back at me.

    Here’s where I see your mirror. It really jumps out at me:
    “So what am I doing with this man who seems to have a huge wall up, and only occasionally shows me the real him and how much he cares about me?”

    I’ve read it in every self help psychological book out there, and Rori says it: We always complain about not getting what we are not giving ourselves. Turn the focus back on yourself.

    If we want to connect w a man on a deeper level, we need to connect on a deeper level with ourselves.
    You connect with yourself on a deeper level like this:

    Look at your complaints like this:
    Find your own wall.
    How do you only show him occasionally the real you?
    Your anger is covering up the real you.
    What old deep rooted hurt is he stirring in you when he triggers you?

    I’ve done that w myself and you’ve read about it in my posts.
    I shared that deep deep rooted hurt w D and how it stirs it back up when particular things happen w him.
    I shared w him how that’s where my anger comes from.
    I told him I no longer want to feel so angry.

    So last night when I got angry for being ignored again, I was able to dive back deep into myself in 2 hours…instead of 2 years. Once you go real deep into yourself, it gets so much easier and faster the next time something triggers you.
    I still beat him on the head all blamey.
    But bc I shared in a deep way, his reaction was way different:
    He was warm and welcoming w my anger.
    He said in a warm tone “please don’t give me sh*t, I’m just going to do something nice for my s*ster and I’ve been super busy. I’m sorry I didn’t call, coz if I would have I would have found out you were still at work which is right on my way. I could have picked you up and brought you w me. My sisters really like you and I know you like them.
    I’ll make it up to you. I won’t stay late at my sister’s and I’ll come over and give you another amazing massage like the other time.”

    I sank into my feelings and went back deep into those fears of abandonment and of feeling unworthy.
    So when he got here, I was ready to share in FMs:
    I said “I’m sorry I beat you on the head aaaagain.
    I don’t want to suffocate you, I do want you to have the feeling of freedom to do you own things. I just feel bad being left hanging without any news. I feel unimportant when I don’t get the call I was promised. That stirs up my old feeling of unworthiness and that makes me angry.”

    I also made a point to tell him how it feels so good to hear what he did for his sister. How she’s so lucky to have a brother like him.

    He looked at me with loving eyes like he used to 2 years ago. I had lost that after only 4 months, and now it’s back. I felt those loving warm vibes coming out of him onto me.
    For 2 years, I’ve been making the 1st moves to cuddle him, to hug him and kiss him when he walks through the door.
    Now he comes in and I step back. He says “come here you” and HE wraps his arms around me and kisses me.



  294.  #294LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 6:15 am

    When I was constantly acting out my anger by blaming, criticizing and punishing, he would point the jealousy finger at me.
    Now he knows the deep root of that jealousy in me.
    He embraces that deep part of me, bc I embraced it 1st, bc I wasn’t ashamed to share the real deep me.
    When I fell off the wagon last night and got angry w him, he wasn’t all defensive and he didn’t withdraw and pull away.
    Bc now he knows where it comes from and what it’s about, he no longer feels threatened by it.
    That encourages me to keep at it, keep going into myself. I will eventually, very soon, have a good grip on handling my anger.
    It took me 2 years to see it’s roots, last night it took me 2 hours, so next time 2 minutes.



  295.  #295Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 6:16 am

    Yep IP I see what you mean! And like I think you said recently, it’s often good that they choose to go home so you can get stuff done!

    I think I’m just so used to being the centre of a guy’s universe, that when I’m not, these feelings of insecurity flow right in…



  296.  #296Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 6:23 am

    Thank you Lili. Yeah that big ole wall of mine is definitely up, and I’m scared to death to bring it down… And he’s paying for that.

    Now I’m crying.. 🙁

    And I’m really not sure TH is ever going to be enough for me – because I’m never enough for myself…

    And I doubt he will ever fit in with my family – because I am a lot older than his friends and probably won’t ever fit in with them. Well.. we get on ok but we have nothing in common…

    We are so wrong for each other….

    Lili, you really handled your situation well. I’m going to save that for a reference later. I”m sure I’m going to need it…



  297.  #297LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 6:24 am

    Before I shared what my jealousy was really about w me, he would have told me that I’m jealous and possessive even w his sisters.
    But now that he knows what it’s really about deep in ME, he didn’t, he rather embraced me.

    Before, he wouldn’t take anything that I wanted to give other than s*x.
    Last night he took the lunch I prepared for him to bring to work today. He said Thank you w a big warm smile and took it. He used to refuse those things. Probably bc I felt unworthy of receiving, I attracted him feeling unworthy of receiving.

    The waterwheel: He gave to me (massage, understanding, warmth, affection), and I then felt safe to gave back to him (preparing his lunch).



  298.  #298Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 6:41 am

    Hmmm the jealousy for me comes from the cheating and also where TH was in the beginning… but the other stuff is probably deep down in there somewhere….

    He just texted me. It’s almost 1am and he wants me to pick him up from a club in town. He’s drunk. Ick.

    I told him no. I had a few drinks earlier so said I didn’t want to risk it in case I got pulled over…



  299.  #299LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 6:45 am

    296:

    BW,

    You are AWESOME for being so open to learning.

    You, me and IP make an awesome threesome to learn together.

    Keep diving into yourself. Share what you’ve found in yourself. That’s the real you that you want him to connect to and cherish.
    The only way to know if he really is for you or not is to know how he reacts to that real deep you.
    The angry, accusing, blaming, criticizing you is covering that real deep authentic you.
    It’s a smokescreen that he can’t see through to the real deep you.

    D is alot like TH.
    I was also jealous of his social life and how friendly and outgoing he is.
    I want to have a life outside of him too. It hurts my ego that he does and I don’t. It would be healthy for me to have a life outside our relationship.
    He has triggered that in me.
    Throughout these 2 years, I have become gradually more and more fun and outgoing.
    My inner clown has also come out.
    These good things in me were all burried and trapped. His triggers have forced them out.

    After diving deep into that ugly jealousy…magic is happening all around me.

    2 old cherished friends of mine that I had lost contact with reached out to me to get back in touch this week.

    There’s an event I have been wanting to go to, but was feeling sad about going alone. Now, I have 3 friends who are interested in that same kind of event that have contacted me out of the blue.
    I don’t know who to ask 1st.



  300.  #300LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 6:46 am

    D would come to that event w me.
    But I want to have a life outside of our relationship.
    I want to cultivate my friendships.



  301.  #301T-Girl on November 26, 2011 at 6:52 am

    BW, There is a part of me that agrees about you not wanting to change. It sounds as if you aren’t doing the most basic of Rori’s work and that is talking in feeling messeges rather than the arguing and blaming and giving up the need to be right. Yes, you are protecting yourself from being cheated on in the past but that isn’t going to heal unless you try something different and open yourself up to saying what you are feeling which will also give TH the chance to prove himself without having to be on the defensive all the time.

    Sending you big hugs…



  302.  #302Nikita on November 26, 2011 at 6:59 am

    Daria,

    I miss u



  303.  #303LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 7:00 am

    298:

    I was also cheated on by my ex.
    I had the same issues w myself with my ex before he cheated.
    I didn’t know how to connect to myself on a deeper level, so I didn’t know how to connect to him.
    He cheated on me w someone who did.
    They have a baby daughter together today.
    I had gotten pregnant w him before that other woman ever came along, and I miscarried.
    I feel happy for them. Bc I took a long honest look at myself and admitted to myself that I don’t know how to connect to myself and others…they do.
    It’s all OK, bc I am learning how right now.

    She came to one of our parties, stayed next to me, examining me from head to toe and hanging on my every word.
    I could feel the envy vibes coming out of her onto me.
    If I would have been deeply connected to myself, hence deeply connected to my man, she would have never been a threat.

    The being cheated on will amplify your already existing hurts. We will feel mistrusting after being cheated on. But there is something there in us waaay before the cheating happens.
    The mistrust exists way before the cheating.

    What place were you at w yourself before the cheating happened? or while the cheating happened?



  304.  #304LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 7:08 am

    303:

    Clue:
    The unworthy feeling little 7 year old girl was still hidden deep down in me before the being cheated on ever happened.
    Take her out and tell her what she needs to hear.



  305.  #305Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 7:19 am

    Hmmm I’m still feeling very defensive about the “not wanting to change” stuff, because I really really do want to change (I know you mean well so I’m not upset with anybody here…). I really do want to stop attacking when I’m scared. I want to be open and loving, just like my beautiful sister is…. I want to be somebody he feels safe with… I want to feel safe….

    I use feeling messages more than ever before – until he does something that I react badly to. Then FMs go out the window! I’m much better than before but still a work in progress… I think I need to train myself to just stop and feel for a bit. Maybe give myself a time limit before I respond to something I don’t like…

    And I am not strong enough on my boundaries with him either, so I’m having a lot of trouble balancing that. I nearly got in my car and went and picked him up tonight too! If I hadn’t been drinking tonight I am sure I would have gone to get him.

    But I don’t want him here tonight because he’ll be drunk and all he’ll want is sex so just as well I’ve been drinking too… 🙁

    And now I feel guilty. But I shouldn’t feel guilty right???

    I think I’m a fair way behind you Lili, because I’m not sure I’m getting right down inside myself to work out what is causing all of this stuff to come to the surface… 🙁

    I need to stand firm on my boundaries, but I also need to become soft on the outside and strong on the inside… right now I’m the opposite. Ick.

    I am unzippering my heart and sending loving vibes his way….

    If I’m not the centre of his universe, then that’s the way it is. I get to choose if I want to be with him despite that. But if I choose to be with him, I must accept him and the fact that he will not treat me like I’m the centre of his universe. I’m not sure I can do that…or if I want to….. 🙁



  306.  #306Izzy on November 26, 2011 at 7:20 am

    245 teeny

    “But we have an advantage – we are improving ourselves and our relationships . . . they will still be posting and hiding their truths while we flourish and evolve! ”

    That felt good to read.



  307.  #307Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 7:21 am

    I know my 9 years of verbal and emotional abuse and my various “attempts” at taking my own life are part of this too… I definitely felt unworthy back then. And I must have felt that way before I met my first husband, to have been able to attract somebody like that.

    What’s funny though, is that I know he loved me and I know I was the centre of his universe. But he treated me like I was the scum of the earth at times too…. Hmm…



  308.  #308LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 7:26 am

    304:

    I took that little girl that was stuffed down with all that anger. I introduced myself to her.
    I told her that I think that she is beautiful, funny and a real pleasure to know.
    I told her that she didn’t deserve the humiliation from her mother, I told her she didn’t deserve the abandonment from her father.
    I told her that her parents just had their own deep hurts that prevented them to give her the love she most needed.
    I held her in my arms and kissed her cheek.
    I told her how adorable she is.

    That’s what I would do today if I witnessed a 7 year old girl being where I was at 7.

    I introduced her to D and told him all about her and her feelings. Told him how she has big temper tantrums like a 7 year old’s maturity level.
    D embraced that little girl just like I did.

    D had a little daughter…She died at the age of 10 from heart failure. It was a birth defect.

    What happens when you lose a loved one like that: We have regrets, we wish we would have appreciated them more, we wish we would have done more… Deep down, he wishes he would have given her more love and attention. He hangs onto to a lock of her hair. He has a shrine of her favourite things at his house. He has pictures of her all over his house.
    He would give anything to have her back to cherish her.

    By sharing my little girl w him, he gets the opportunity to do that.
    The most beautiful gift you can give someone, is going way deep into yourself and sharing that deep real true you.



  309.  #309T-Girl on November 26, 2011 at 7:36 am

    BW – just wanted to send you some ((((hugs)))).

    I haven’t been in your exact situation but remember what it was like with major ups and downs with the first guy I dated after my divorce. I remember how horrible I felt all the time and the reason I found this site. I have really learned alot and am putting everything into practice – what a difference!



  310.  #310Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 7:41 am

    OMFG!!! :((((( He has just hit on that woman via FB!!!!! 🙁

    His response to my text about it: Well you obviously don’t want to be here….



  311.  #311Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 7:42 am

    This is all my fault. I feel absolutely devastated… 🙁



  312.  #312LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 7:44 am

    307:

    Oh BW, I so feel for you…

    When I got divorced, I would picture myself bleeding to death in my bathtub…just like I did when I was a teenager.
    I thought that that feeling would go away when I moved 750 km away from my family.
    It did for a few years, but it came back when my marriage was falling apart.
    I had married a very cold iceberg of a man.
    I took antidepressants, and went to a man psychologist.
    I saw how the same feelings from my teenage years were there.
    The psych showed me the links.
    I stayed single and withdrawn for 3 years.
    I dated someone for 7 months, he chased his ex behind my back. He was one step better for me than my ex.
    He had many women friends that felt like a threat to me.
    I then went into a 5 year relationship. He was more affectionate, warm and outgoing…same result, he cheated on me w a woman he saw at work every day.
    They established a deeper connection than I was ever capable of. I knew her, she is really connected and warm.
    I dated a jealous and possessive man for 3 months. I saw how my jealousy was like on the receiving end.
    He was chasing his ex behind my back.

    Now D. D has everything I ever wanted in a man, and I still got the same results. I don’t think he cheated on me, but he did pull away and did enjoy other women’s attention.
    No matter who the man, there will always be a woman threatening to me.
    Wanting the man to cut those threatening women out of their lives hasn’t worked for me.

    What I’m sure will work, is connecting deeply to myself. Sharing my deep self, will allow him to be connected deeply to me.
    Then the other women will no longer be a threat.

    If he is not capable of honouring that deep true me, someone else will bc now I know I am worthy.



  313.  #313Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 7:51 am

    I’ve just let the anger and hurt take over again. But I did manage to squeeze in some FMs. I also told him that I hate him. 🙁

    I don’t hate him. But I hate what he’s done. 🙁

    can’t stop crying now…. how could he do this????????

    I know he’s drunk but so what???? If I’d agreed to go and get him then this wouldn’t have happened…. maybe….

    But then what? More of the same???? I deserve so much better….



  314.  #314LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Throughout every relationship, I have gotten to know myself on a deeper level.
    And after every failed relationship, I have gotten a better man than the last.

    After seeing the results from my own deep soul and feeling searches, I will never stop and it will only attract to me better and better men and better and better behaviour from them.

    It’s all about ourselves and the work we do with ourselves.

    One of these men from my past has reached out to me through FB after 6 years to ask for my forgiveness.

    Another one still chases after me once in a while.

    But I have made peace w that past and I am thankful for the lessons. I am looking towards the future.



  315.  #315Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 7:55 am

    BW he is drunk. I am certain that I read where Rori about someone else and suggested that at that time he was not even a real live person.

    Also you are focussing on his behavior. I am certain I have read where she says that does not work. What are you feeling and where are you holding those feelings in your body?



  316.  #316Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 7:56 am

    LiLi41 thanks for sharing your experience. I too am learning to sink deep into myself. I thank both Dominique and Rori for helping me to focus on doing that.



  317.  #317Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 8:00 am

    BW I was kind of hoping to redirect your attention from his behavior to spewing out some of the anger at me. Maybe you are one of those nice girls. Too nice for your own good. I wonder what would possess you to go out to get him after saying no? I wonder what would possess you to think you are responsible for his behavior? Are you his mother?



  318.  #318Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:06 am

    Lol but FW I know you’re coming from a good place and I so appreciate it!

    Ok, here’s how I feel right now. I feel angry, I feel devastated. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and smashed into a thousand pieces. I feel scared. I feel alone. I feel miserable. I feel unworthy of good. I feel stupid. I feel shocked. I feel pain where my heart used to be, before it was ripped out…

    And I didn’t go and get him, nor did I really want to. But I know that I let him manipulate me all the time….

    He just sent me a message saying “be home soon”. I’m not sure if he meant my home or his. I suppose I’ll find that out soon enough… :-\

    And no I am not responsible for his behaviour and I’m def not his mother. I suppose I’m blaming myself for pushing him away by keeping that darn wall up… I don’t know…. I know it’s not totally him that’s at fault, so I’m trying to work out what my part in all of this is….



  319.  #319LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 8:10 am

    310:

    (((BW))):

    I’ve been there recently.
    He feels punished by you, so he’s punishing you back.
    Give yourself compassion, you are worthy of compassion.
    Give yourself credit for seeing the workings of this pattern clearly.

    Time to step away, and step towards yourself.
    Get into yourself w love and compassion.
    Give to yourself by getting into yourself.
    Time to look for what you want from him in yourself.

    Dive deep into yourself w this hurt right now.



  320.  #320Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 8:11 am

    BW I love your feeling messages. Now that you have them so clearly written out I would encourage you to share that as well as cry if he comes by you. Even though you might have decided to let him go. I would still open my heart wide and share that while trying to melt into myself. This is for you not him. This will help you share your truth and heal your heart. I believe this is the way to go. Take your focus off his behavior.



  321.  #321Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:11 am

    And yep FW, I AM too nice. My friends tell me I’m too good to him and I know I am. And for some unknown reason, I just can’t bring myself to be more about me and less about him! 🙁

    But I do know one thing – I have a heap of Rori’s stuff I need to keep listening to. And I need to do a LOT more CDing.

    Problem is he gets so jealous and over the top and sends me angry texts when he knows I’m out with a friend (even if he thinks it’s just a friend and nothing more) and goes on about how he needed me that night…or something along those lines…

    But the more time he spends at my house, the harder that is to do. Meeting someone after work can no longer happen because he’s coming home with me every day. Sigh… I feel so stuck right now…



  322.  #322Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 8:14 am

    When you do what Lili41 suggested your intuition will kick and you will know what to do. Trust yourself she will guide you in the direction.



  323.  #323Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:15 am

    Thank you Lili and FW. I’ll do that… 🙁



  324.  #324Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 8:17 am

    Well under the circumstances I would assume that you are just dating. So him coming home with you is just an imaginary relationship. If he has moved you back to just dating, that I would feel more safe to keep my options open, if I were wearing your shoes. It is your life and your are in charge of you. It is your choice to make regardless of what he says or does. Unless you want to be his puppet on a string. Where he can string you along at will.



  325.  #325LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 8:18 am

    BW:

    Don’t blame yourself, just see what you’re doing and love yourself for seeing it clearly.
    Blame is about fault. It’s not your fault, it just is. Accept it for what it is.
    Get to know it, as it becomes more and more familiar, you will recognize it a lot faster and it eventually won’t take over.
    Get to know it by asking it questions?
    Like “Where are you from stranger?”



  326.  #326LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 8:24 am

    324:

    The best way to gather strength to do that is by connecting to ourselves, to our deep roots.
    It’s in our roots where we gather the strength to stand up for ourselves without projecting onto others.
    Step away from being strung along, step into ourselves.
    No one can play w you when you know yourself deep down and honour that deep self.



  327.  #327Susan on November 26, 2011 at 8:25 am

    RE;265: luzydel says:

    “Been thinking and perhaps I am not built for long term relationships. I have tried many times, I am not possessive, psycho, mean or anything alike. But men leave, Like after several months of good moments out of no where, they do not want to continue.

    Some of us are meant to be alone…I need to embrace that and let it be…”

    Awwww… I used to feel that way too. I thought I’d be alone for the rest of my life, just having a man for 2 or three months at a time and then he’d leave. That is pretty much what happened for about 5 years. And then I met a guy who stayed. More leave than stay.



  328.  #328LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 8:29 am

    320:

    YES BIG TIME FW!!!

    Doing that made me feel like I cherish and love myself…and it’s attracting cherish and love from others…even hopeless D.



  329.  #329T-Girl on November 26, 2011 at 8:35 am

    Regarding men leaving after 2 or 3 months – I just recently got a great e-mail from Alexandra Fox regarding the stages of a relationship. It sounds possible that you aren’t making it past the “Learning to Get Along” stage in the relationship. I’ve also heard the stages referred to as “Forming, Storming, Conforming and Norming” and many people don’t get past the storming. I’ve been in the storming and think I have moved into conforming.

    Here is the e-mail from Alexandra Fox:

    STAGE 1: COURTSHIP

    In the beginning, everything is
    beautiful and wonderful. You love so
    many things about him! He seems to adore
    you. You are falling in love, and it
    feels like nothing else on earth.

    This stage is one of the most exciting
    moments of your life. You are starting a
    new journey with someone who is happy to
    be along for the ride. It’s a new
    beginning!

    Here’s a secret. It can help you keep
    your relationship fresh through all five
    of the stages.

    Don’t let this stage slip away!

    The happiest couples are the ones who
    revisit their courtship throughout their
    relationship. They remember the things
    that turned them on in the first place.
    They work to keep those memories alive.

    Enjoy this stage – it’s a beautiful
    time!

    STAGE 2: GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER

    This is where we start to see our
    partners for who they really are. It can
    actually be very exciting, because you
    are now seeing parts of him that were
    hidden during your courtship.

    This stage of your relationship is
    marked by those long nights of talking
    about anything and nothing at all. This
    is the time when you learn about all his
    little quirks and habits, and he learns
    the same about you.

    Take this opportunity to learn more.
    This is when he is comfortable enough to
    let his guard down!

    Now is the time to ask questions. Tell
    him more about you. Watch how he
    interacts with other people. Notice all
    his little habits, like the fact that he
    leaves clothes on the floor or that he
    is obsessive about brushing his teeth.

    Everything you are learning now will set
    you up for what comes next.

    STAGE 3: LEARNING TO GET ALONG

    Be warned: This is the stage where some
    couples call it quits. Why? This is the
    point where the serious issues – and
    serious differences – can come to
    light.

    This part of the relationship is when
    you begin to feel a little friction.
    Maybe you don’t agree on something,
    and instead of becoming an interesting
    discussion, it turns into a fight.

    Have you ever felt like an argument came
    out of the blue?

    Have you ever wondered where that
    wonderful man disappeared to?

    You’ve been in this stage!

    This is the stage when you are
    comfortable enough with each other to
    disagree. This is both a good thing and
    a bad thing.

    It’s a good thing because you now have
    a chance to figure out how to disagree
    the RIGHT way. You can take the time to
    work things out. How you work things out
    now will be a good indication of how
    well the rest of your relationship will
    go.

    It’s a bad thing because it takes away
    a bit of that happy, falling-in-love
    glow. You are seeing things you might
    not like. Some of those things might
    feel like dealbreakers.

    But if you can make it through this
    stage, you’re set up for something
    great!

    STAGE 4: FINDING FRIENDSHIP

    One of the most important parts of a
    long-term relationship is the short-term
    foundation. That foundation is built on
    friendship.

    It might seem strange to find friendship
    after the courtship, but trust me –
    that’s how most successful couples
    work!

    Let’s face it: The excitement won’t
    last forever. When the newness of the
    first stages of a relationship starts to
    wear off, you need something strong to
    hold you together. Friendship is a big
    part of that bond.

    You are finding common ground. You are
    becoming more stable. This is the point
    where you begin to trust your partner
    with many things that you might not have
    let him see before. You have the freedom
    to be yourself.

    You will learn more about him, too. You
    learn the things that make him who he
    is. He becomes more comfortable with
    you, and you can share so much more than
    you did before.

    This is where it starts to get REALLY
    good!

    But there is a darker side to this part
    of your relationship:

    You might be getting bored.

    It isn’t that you don’t love your
    partner. It isn’t that you don’t
    want to be with them. But the spark is
    gone! The fire has gone out! You know
    him so well – almost TOO well.

    This is where you really have to work
    hard to keep things moving.

    Remember when I said that the best of
    couples remember their courtship? They
    keep those memories alive? This is where
    it happens!

    Remember the romance. Go back to the
    little things that you stopped doing
    along the way. Send him a love letter.
    Wear his favorite dress. Ask him new
    questions about new things. Rediscover
    him!

    The more you focus on your partner, the
    deeper your friendship will become. The
    stronger that foundation, the easier it
    will be to move into the next stage.

    STAGE 5: TRUE COMMITMENT

    This is where the magic happens.

    At this point, you have both learned the
    good and bad about each other. You have
    argued – maybe you have had a few
    really rough disagreements. You got
    through it.

    This is the point where it all pays off.
    You are happy together. You can see a
    future with him. He is talking about
    buying that new house or getting married
    or starting a family.

    But it is still VERY important to
    remember the first stage, when you were
    falling so deeply in love. You have to
    work hard to recapture those moments and
    keep the romance alive!

    When it comes to relationships, you
    never stop working. You never stop
    trying!

    Even a marriage that has lasted for
    fifty years has rough days. Those are
    the days when that successful couple
    remembers what it was like to fall in
    love, and they try to do it all over
    again.



  330.  #330Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:38 am

    He’s gone to his house. So I doubt we’ll talk tonight, not even online. I’m thinking he’ll probably pass out as soon as he gets there….

    So that gives me time to sink into my feelings and come up with scripts that make it 100% about how I feel and to NOT come across as blamey.

    And here’s the biggest feeling of all: HUMILIATED.

    Yep. There are people we work with who know about us. And he’s posting that kind of stuff on there so they will see. How stupid does that make me look???? Yep humiliated is how I feel about that aspect.. 🙁



  331.  #331Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:41 am

    Embarrassed too.. and ashamed for tolerating this in my life…. 🙁



  332.  #332Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 8:56 am

    Well BW I just want to add one thing to what LiLi41 says. With this realization also forgive yourself. Forget about what people think because that will cause you to try to force the reality to fit the ideal. Deal with what is. Now with the awareness you have you can really look at and into yourself. Give yourself the hug you deserve and the forgiveness that you are so yearning for internally. You are the most important person in your life right now. And you deserve your own love. Turn the waterwheel of love towards you and allow it to pour all over you.



  333.  #333Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:57 am

    I’m going to try and get some sleep – it’s almost 3am here so I hope I fall asleep quickly.. 🙁

    I just sent him one last message saying that I feel alone, and I feel scared because I don’t want him gone from my life, but I also feel stupid for that same reason. I also said I want the pain to stop.

    Earlier I told him I felt devastated and how I feel embarrassed that I will look like a complete idiot in front of his friends that know about us…

    And lots more, but I really need to sleep.

    Thank you ladies for your help. I do feel a little better and need to do some more processing when I wake up.

    Sending my love and thanks. You have NO idea how much you mean to me right now…
    xxxxxxxxx



  334.  #334LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 8:57 am

    FW:

    You brought up to BW “melt into myself”.

    That concept was so strange to me, it felt like an alien. I wasn’t getting it at all. It felt out of reach.

    Until I took the focus off of D, by leaning way way back. I would always bring the focus off of him back onto myself.
    I went way deep into myself. The deepest I could go.
    I shared that w D.
    I notice how I actually did feel myself melting into myself when he gave me a massage.
    When I shared my feelings to him about my massage, I was actually able to feel it for myself in a deep way.
    Until that experience, I was unable to reach those feelings, I was so cutoff from myself and my feelings.
    Now I know how to reach them in me. I felt so expressive and alive when I shared the feelings I got from his massage.
    I used to say “that massage felt so good” but w a cold vibe.
    He would react like yeah ok good whatever.
    Now I feel the warm open vibe in me when I express “oooooh yeah, that massage felt sooooo soothing, it felt like I was melting into the sofa.”
    He looked at me with a loving spark in his eyes, and I could feel the pride and happiness in his voice when he replied “ggoood, that’s what I was aiming at, making you feel good.”

    Last night, when I fell off the wagon and got angry w him…he wanted to come running eagerly to give me another massage to make me feel good again. 🙂

    That loving spark in his eye is still there. I hadn’t seen it in 2 years.
    I feel a happy vibe from him that I haven’t felt in a long time.
    He was stringing me along…waiting for that to show up.



  335.  #335Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 8:59 am

    These are very valuable lessons BW. Both for yourself and for the rest of us. These lessons will feed into your purpose on the planet though you don’t see it yet. I guarantee someone will come into your life that you will be able to help with this knowledge. Embrace your lessons because when we are sure what we don’t want then we can create what we do want.



  336.  #336Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 9:03 am

    RE 334 Lili41 I felt my stomach open up into my vagina just reading that. I still struggle with melting into myself to be honest with you but I keep pushing forward, refusine to be intimidated. Rori is a real blessing for putting herself out there and sharing all her wisdom. I learned that from Reconnect.



  337.  #337LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 9:05 am

    333:

    And BW: you have no idea how much you mean to me also right now.

    Thank you so much for sharing who you really are.
    It’s a wonderful gift to me. XOX



  338.  #338LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 9:15 am

    330:

    Yep, that public humiliation I felt when I was 7 years old…I keep getting into situations where that humiliating feeling comes back to bite me.
    It’s no longer a stranger to me, I know it very well now, I own it very well now.

    Keep diving into those feelings BW, keep looking at those…instead of diving into him and looking at him.
    Get to know those to get connected to those, they are the real true you.

    You’re doing great starting w your feelings in your post 333.



  339.  #339LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 9:22 am

    336:

    Awww FW, I feel touched.

    If cold cutoff me can do it, anyone can.

    If my cold iceberg mom can now melt into my arms when I give her a hug…ANYONE can!!!



  340.  #340LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 9:23 am

    GOD BLESS YOU RORI RAY !!!!!!! XOXOXOXOXOX



  341.  #341LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 9:29 am

    What a dream team all of us make here!!!



  342.  #342LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 9:40 am

    There’s one method I have to get in touch w what’s going on w myself that I haven’t shared yet:

    I have these 2 books about how your physical ailments reflect what’s going on with us emotionally.

    I was having problems with my hemoroids. I looked it up in the books. It described it as a feeling of pulling and pushing at the same time, not knowing in which direction to go…in or out of the situation?
    Then the author guides us to connect to the source of that by giving us the specific questions to ask ourselves about our feelings.
    Like what am I keeping inside and resisting to come out? how do I not allow myself to feel the feeling I am lacking from others…and so on.

    It was so dead on for me.



  343.  #343Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:23 am

    (((BW)))

    Thank you for sharing all this…I’m sorry you are going thru it, but it sounds so familiar to me (Recycled).

    I don’t know your guy but perhaps he has some problems with alcohol…getting carried away with it and doing things that are hurtful.

    Good for you not going to pick him up. This struck me as a mommy thing-him reaching out for his “mommy” to come pick him up and help him. I’m soo glad you didn’t.

    BW you deserve so much more. I know how it feels though because I feel a huge attachment and desire for things to work out between RecycledCD and I, but I don’t think it will ever resolve. I don’t feel safe with him anymore after the damage that’s been done.



  344.  #344Ice Princess on November 26, 2011 at 10:31 am

    Wow, a lot has happen since I went out to lunch with my kids. BW, I wish I could give you a great big hug and then do something fun with you. I just had a very teary phone conversation with LP about my confusion about him needing his own Christmas tree. I felt shut out when he said that because of all of the help I gave him with gifts for his children (not buying them, but picking them up and wrapping them, storing them and such). It was all a misunderstanding and I need go learn to listen before I formulate some crazy idea in my head. Gosh I can be so self destructive sometimes.



  345.  #345Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:32 am

    LILI41 ((hugs))
    I feel inspired reading your story…thank you for sharing it. I’ve decided to focus on myself so much more recently and it has helped my self esteem alot. I still have funky days (i.e., yesterday was a lil rough) but I am bouncing back faster and able to pull out of the spiral.
    Hmm I feel a lil worried to share this, but I felt a little feeling of eeeeshh…noo….when I read about you making him a sandwich and he finally accepted it….
    I mean I’m not there with you and I don’t know him but it felt to me like you should let the waterwheel go toward you right now especially since the whole thing with you guys is getting back on track…don’t start mommying him.

    I feel like you are married, then yes you can make him dinner, sandwich, etc…but it feels a little early in the game to be doing that. Don’t take away his opportunity to give to you because that’s when he feels more like a man in the relationship I think from what Rori says…I recall….

    I don’t knwo what I’m talking about really but just wanted to share that it made me cringe about the sandwich…jsut a gut reaction….

    Loves to you LILI xoxox
    -Emerson



  346.  #346Starla on November 26, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Good morning/afternoon US sirens. And I guess good evening to the European sirens. I have no idea what time it is around Australia, sorry=/

    CF came over last night and he rubbed my back for the duration of an entire movie. He wanted to cuddle so much and be so close to me, constantly giving me love and attention… I felt overwhelmed!! I found myself wanting him to buzz off.

    Then I got this sinking feeling… I had seen this happen before with the guy I dated all of 2010. Once it is clear that the man is extremely into me with all his heart, I feel turned off. I lose respect for him. He seems weak to me.

    And then it occurred to me that it isn’t that these men are weak. It is me. I feel uncomfortable with receiving true love and affection. So uncomfortable that my defenses project it as feeling turned off and seeing them as weak.

    So I opened my heart and tried to just receive. It was a trigger-fest inside of me, for sure, to try to do that. Now that it’s morning and I’ve had time to process, I just feel amazing and optimistic. This is a man who will really care for me, without me even having to ask, when I am not feeling 100%. He knew I had cramps from hell and that I felt weird being around him while i was experiencing hormonal/female discomforts, and he showed me MORE love for it.

    I’m used to (and now I see that I’ve been PREFERRING) guys who don’t “get” it when I am not feeling 100%. But CF really showed up for me. And didn’t make me feel like he just doing it for my sake because I was in need, but put his heart into it and enjoyed it himself.

    I feel really wonderful about him. He is teaching me so much about love, and what it is supposed to feel like when you care about someone. He introduces new standards into my love life all the time, and now I have a new one to hold men to: he is a fully present partner. He treats me like my comfort and happiness is tied to his own.

    What makes it extra lovely is that while we were picking out movies at the store, he said a few times he wasn’t planning on watching the movie, just making out with me while it was playing. But I repeated a few times that I *actually* wanted to watch the movie. I started to feel a little triggered and objectified, but he did hear me and still showed me love and care even though I wasn’t gonna fool around.



  347.  #347Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:36 am

    I’m really big on this not mommying thing and it’s really on my radar because I’ve been that way my whole life…
    I’ve mommy’d my boyfriends a lot and they love it but guess what!!! then I’m their MOMMY. AAAAACKKK!!!!

    I even mommy’d REcycled in the beginning I mean like big time…well that stopped after we reconnected and I’d found Rori in the meantime…and you know what?????/
    He treated me better and was initiating and coming toward me like crazy…loved it…and I just allowed it to flow to me…and I didn’t “give” back…only with my heart and smile and warmth…and for a while it was going so good and we were reconnecting.

    The reason it’s falling apart is that he still has unfinished business with other women (his divorce and his female roommate which I have a problem with both of these!!!!!!)
    So Ive been the one to kinda push him away…cuz he is not really AVAILABLE…



  348.  #348Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:38 am

    Starla 346 makes me go “awwww!!!!” so sweet…I love it when guys are like that!! I feel all awwww and soft toward you and him too…
    🙂



  349.  #349Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:51 am

    I also know how it feels to resent someone “giving” to me…
    My Mom “gives” to me certain things to make herself feel better, not because they are things I really need.

    I resent it A LOT. It feels so invading and uncomfortable and weird….and she also does not receive well….at all.



  350.  #350Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:52 am

    349 basically this is condependency



  351.  #351LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 10:53 am

    345:

    Oh yeah, I hear you about the sandwich.

    I was never able to receive what he was giving to me in the beginning. The waterwheel was drenching me.
    Then he turned the waterwheel away from me when I wasn’t receiving and wasn’t giving back.
    I then became the overfunctioning mommy where the waterwheel was only going out from me to him.
    The waterwheel is about leaning back and letting him give to us 1st, then we give back from what he is giving to us….and around and around it goes.
    It’s not about it going only 1 way.
    Now that I leaned back and he started to give to me again, I am giving back….but careful not give back more than I get, to have a good balance…that’s the whole idea behind the waterwheel.

    It feels good to read that you are doing better and better Emerson. You are really on the right track.



  352.  #352LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 10:56 am

    351:

    Overfunctioning is when we do more than they do for us. It is not overfunctioning when the giving and receiving is balanced.
    But they need to give to us 1st. And we give to them from what they give us.



  353.  #353Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

    351 and 352 LILI

    Yes I know about the waterwheel…but what you said in 351 hmmm it sounds kind of like keeping score…like you can match what he gives to you as long as he does it first…and it’s even.

    From what I recall Rori teaches that our giving is supposed to be primarily more about giving love and open heart, etc….not “doing”…doing is masculine…
    I’m not trying to argue here…just exploring…and it’s not necessarily supposed to be even…

    I do get it….it feels satisfying and creates a bonding feeling to do things like making dinner or lunch for a man or ironing his shirt or doing laundry,,,it’s fun to me…and feels domestic and like I’m a wife….giving that stuff as well as giving love and open heart etc….

    But I’ve changed, they dont get that domestic chore stuff from me anymore unless they are paying the roof over my head and I have a ring on my finger with a marriage committment. That’s just me.

    Maybe I’m being extreme but that’s how I feel about it.



  354.  #354LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

    346:

    Oh Starla, isn’t it wonderful to discover how to receive!

    I was all pms, swollen and cramped the other night when D came over and gave me the best massage ever.
    He was so happy that I finally was able to really receive it and soak it in.

    We are worthy of that attention and caring!



  355.  #355Starla on November 26, 2011 at 11:06 am

    I would like to add to this discussion of giving back…

    I think that for women, giving back takes different forms. We often want to give with gestures and gifts, since this is what they’re giving us. But I think of giving back most of the time as a genuine smile, a loving look, a compliment about how great he makes you feel. I give back energetically and by opening my heart to all he is giving to me. If he is a good, mature man, this will be enough.

    I also think that when we give back in this energetic way, and he keeps giving and giving, that when we *do* fix him a sandwich or give him a shoulder rub, we won’t fear that we are overfunctioning, and it won’t feel that way to him. For me, it is really important to listen to my feelings and my motives to know when I am just giving back and when I am overfunctioning.



  356.  #356Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 11:07 am

    LILI 41
    btw, I was not insinuating that you were codependent it was an observation about my Mom…she is so codependent and tries to put it on me and I have to be careful not to duplicate that behavior, so I’m hypersensitive to the topic…



  357.  #357LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 11:16 am

    353:

    Hmmmm, thanks for sharing that Emerson, I am pondering that thought.

    Just going back to when he would clean my place for me, wash my floors for when my mom came for a visit.
    He was extremely p*ssed at me when I did that for my friend but never for him.
    He doesn’t want a mom, but he does want the teamwork of taking care of each other.
    I brought out the masculine in him by telling him that he needs to ask when he needs help. Not asking and expecting is to me feminine energy.

    I’ll continue thinking and trying on your view Emerson…food for thought indeed…



  358.  #358LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 11:30 am

    355:

    Oh wow Starla!
    That’s exactly what I needed to read to close the gap.

    Btw, I didn’t make him anything, it was a ready made meatpie leftover from my supper.

    Tonight, I am making seafood for myself. For me. He’s welcomed to join in. But I’m not leaning forward by inviting him 1st.
    When he calls and asks what I’m up to, I’ll respond what I’m doing for myself.
    If he wants to come and see me, I’ll be sharing w him what I made for myself.
    The old overfunctioning mommy me would have leaned forward to invite him then ask him what he wants for supper.



  359.  #359Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 11:30 am

    357 LILI
    thank you for your response and wow I feel happy that we can discuss things and share different views! I learn a lot from you and the other sirens and my interpretation of Rori’s tools are not always the same as others! Thanks for your feedback…

    I do want to say that it feels ick that he was mad about washing your floors…and that he resented that you didn’t do it for him but you’d do it for friends….If he wants that teamwork well then that’s called marriage…

    He’s not supposed to be keeping score. It feels like that to me when I read that and I would feel pressured to keep score too and be sure to give back something to keep it even and to avoid that confrontation again…..aaaackkk…

    I feel scared sharing all this with you because I don’t want to rain on your parade or sound like I’m being so critical….but I’m working on being authentic too and I want to learn and share this, and I respect your opinion LILI and your feedback…..

    Anyway. I feel this scorekeeping is something that is not a dealbreaker and could be worked out but kind of concerning nonetheless….

    I have issues with the idea of keeping score, etc…and I don’t like it one bit.

    For example, I will share this…
    I felt instantly turned off by OceanCD the other night when we had our date because he was late (due to rain/accidents on the fwy/traffic and he called me to tell me so it is understandable, but still annoying)…anyway when he got there, he said “oh now we are even, last time we met you were 20 minutes late”….
    I was so taken aback and wanted to say how dare you say that to me! I didn’t remember being 20 minutes late last time, but even if I was, why was he trying to be “even”???? It was so YUCK YUCK YUCK…..I wish I’d had the balls to say umm you know what, it feels really bad to hear that and I feel turned off now….instead I kinda brushed it off and I was so shocked…I said what I was late? I dont recall that…and he insisted I was.

    Well needless to say, I am not going to tolerate that anymore.



  360.  #360Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

    Tinque/Rori I’d welcome your feedback about this giving and receiving/keeping score topic….



  361.  #361LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 11:38 am

    359:

    I’m noticing how I don’t feel triggered and defensive about other people’s triggers anymore.

    However I am open to try it on and see if it fits. Maybe see things that I haven’t seen before.
    I will stay tuned onto my feelings and see if it’s about scorekeeping to me.
    But if it doesn’t trigger me, maybe it isn’t an issue for me.
    Nonetheless I will be aware of my feelings, bc they will tell me if something is off.



  362.  #362Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 11:39 am

    357 I feel that if he chooses to wash your floors and help you clean, that is very kind, and it’s his choice, and imho it should be done with NO EXPECTATIONS….

    and if you want to clean your friends house till the cows come home and NEVER clean his house, well that should not change anything and you should’t be called out for it…it’s your business if you want to do that!



  363.  #363Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 11:50 am

    362 I’m feeling a lil bit like I want to defend you LILI…that’s what is coming out here….
    and it’s cuz I didn’t stand up for myself when I should have….so it’s coming up for me to heal…
    Thank you for helping me..



  364.  #364Lilybelly on November 26, 2011 at 11:56 am

    355:

    That is so right on, Starla.

    Thank you for sharing.



  365.  #365Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    I feel thankful for Rori’s post and her gesture of blessings…aww feels so nice. 🙂 I feel teary.

    I love what Rori says here
    “For me, Thanksgiving as a tradition means nothing.

    What counts for me is that with a “holiday,” we have a moment where so many of us can say “Thanks” to something – all at the same time.”

    *********************************

    This resonates with me a lot because it takes the pressure off Thanksgiving as a tradition and the idea of what is expected to come with it…ie., perfect dinner table with family and everyone with their perfect nuclear family units in tow…ack I’ve never experienced that and it always made me feel so out of sorts…..but who cares now it’s just a day to say thank you…I can’t live up to being a live Hallmark card….



  366.  #366Ella on November 26, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    @ Starla

    “Then I got this sinking feeling… I had seen this happen before with the guy I dated all of 2010. Once it is clear that the man is extremely into me with all his heart, I feel turned off. I lose respect for him. He seems weak to me.”

    Yes this how I’ve been feeling too.



  367.  #367Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Ella and Starla,
    I’ve felt this way too…and I think what helps me is to get even MORE into myself and realize how hot I am and I’m super amazing…like yeah, I agree, I can see howcome you’re so into me dude!! and that kinda helps…



  368.  #368Tiffany on November 26, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    @ Emerson #367 – I like it! 🙂



  369.  #369Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    LiLi41 at the risk of butting in on the conversation about the floors, but what came to was that him saying he was angry is him sharing some of his passion and secrets where some other guys might just have withdrawn and stewed in silence. He felt safe enough to share that with you. Also I believe every relationship is different, if that would not make him feel emasculated or push away because of being mummied that maybe it is good to listen to him sharing his thinking.



  370.  #370Daria on November 26, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    (((Nikita))).

    That feels so good 🙂

    Will Skype you



  371.  #371Tiffany on November 26, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Hey ladies!

    I was about to come on here last night and write “score one for the Siren team!” But then I woke up this morning, and I felt not so sure. I feel like maybe I only made a siren score amid a big, covert controlling “mistake.”…

    So here’s my story, back to front:

    Last night, K1 came to see me and we went out to dinner. All the way there and through dinner, I had this odd sense that he was feeling anxious, and I couldn’t really put my finger on it. I felt annoyed, actually. But I sat through it, and noticed the feelings without making a big deal out of it or even mentioning it, figuring that would only make things worse. This actually is a GREAT step for me, because in the past, I might have started to get accusatory at him or something, or just started to act weird.

    Instead, I was just as polite as possible, and let him lead the conversation. Except when he asked me about my ex. And then I just stared at him. Looked down at my plate, and changed the subject. I was so uncomfortable, that I didn’t even want to *say* that I wanted to change the subject. I just refused to address it altogether. So, actually, that’s another score for me, because I avoided making an “issue” out of that, too. And, in my own way (I hope), I let him know that the specifics of that topic are off-limits.

    The weird and scary thing was that, the night before, after Thanksgiving dinner, he came over, and he started to read my palm. After a few minutes, I had to make it stop, because what he was saying was just way too accurate. He said he was just “making it up.” But there is no way he was “making up” the fact that I almost got married in my mid-20s. He saw that in my palm, and he said it, and it freaked me out. I even started shaking. And I told him about that, too. I was very honest to how I was feeling.

    He told me that, on the way to my house, he wasn’t even sure if he should come. He said he felt something “unknown.” And he even sat in his car for several minutes before calling to let me know he was there.

    During those few minutes, I had a moment, too, where I felt unsure if he would arrive. But instead of texting him, I sad down and did a little visualization on receiving and feeling gratitude. A minute later, he called me.

    He told me his feelings later on, after dinner, and I listened. Then he thanked me for letting him “open up to me.” It felt good, but the whole evening had a different feel from the fun of the night before. Suddenly, there seemed something large and dark and scary that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

    When I woke up, I thought of something else I had almost forgotten. The original plan for Friday – or rather, the plan he suggested – was that we cook together. That was his idea, that was what I wanted to do. But then I told him no. And I used my religion as an excuse (we are not supposed to cook on Shabbat). But that is such a lame excuse. I cook on shabbat all the time, and I told him this. I feel like such a hypocrite.

    The real reason I didn’t want to cook with him was that I was afraid to. I was afraid for two reasons (neither of which I’ve told him about, because I wasn’t thinking about them at the time). I was afraid because, in the past, when I’ve tried to cook with people, I’ve gotten really upset by minor things. I can be very “possessive” in the kitchen. And if someone isn’t doing things “my way,” it freaks me out. I know. It is totally irrational. and I don’t really know what it has to do with anything. But I am so afraid of my control-freakishness in this regard, that I just didn’t want to get into a position where I would scare him with it too soon – it would only be our third date, after all!

    The second reason it scared me is that cooking together suggests a very intimate endeavor. Food is intimate. Cooking is intimate. Cooking together requires coordination and communication and flow. Knowing who the other person is what they are doing, and how it relates to you and what you are doing. I am so used to cooking alone. I don’t know if I can “cook” with another person. 🙁

    This scares me.

    It scares me so much, and I am just realizing how great it is that I am realizing it. And so now maybe I can address it, and admit to myself – and maybe to him – that I am really just afraid of intimacy. That’s what it is about, as far as I am concerned. And I don’t mind being afraid of it. It’s scary to be intimate with someone. But I don’t want the fear to stop me. And I don’t want to fear I have to stop him either. :/

    So today, I am taking it easy. I am writing here instead of contacting him. I am going to let him make the next move, and decide what happens. That way he can feel safe and comfortable coming toward me again. I want to make sure that he feels free to take the lead, make suggestions, and do what he feels is good to do with me. 🙂

    Happy thoughts. Thinking happy thoughts…

    And going to see the muppets with my gfs tonight! yay! 🙂

    xxoo’s



  372.  #372Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    342: LILI 41 – OMG really????? That explains a LOT!



  373.  #373Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    343: Emerson – Thank you. Yeah I don’t feel safe either, and if he’s true to form he’ll contact me later and beg to talk. I know I’ll let that happen (which is not necessarily a bad thing), but I need to feel safe again and I’m not sure anything he says will help that. 🙁

    I had such high hopes for us and now he’s done this. Even if it meant nothing (and I get that from his texts) and he has no intention of doing anything with that girl, how on earth can I trust him when he’s out without me anymore? That’s a biggy – especially if she’s going to be there! :-\



  374.  #374Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    344: Ice Princess – TH says I overreact all the time. Sometimes he’s right. Sometimes I’m not so sure….

    Thank you for the almost hug from far, far away. xxxx



  375.  #375Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Interesting. The girl he hit on via FB last night has replied to his comment (where he basically hit on her) with this: “lol I think you’re getting me mixed up with someone else.”

    She just received a great deal of respect from me… I feel a LOT better reading that too…



  376.  #376Ice Princess on November 26, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    375, Yeah, that does feel good to read BW!



  377.  #377Ice Princess on November 26, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    I started doing something that should feel fun to me, but it is making me sad and angry instead. At first I started to feel angry with LP but then I realized I’m mad at myself for putting myself in this situation. I’m going to stop for now, go to the grocery store, and then see how I feel.



  378.  #378Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    He’s been telling me for a long time that she doesn’t mean anything to him and they’re just friends. But she’s the one he’s out socialising with while I sit at home.

    They almost had a lunch date the other day too, but he cancelled because of me. I didn’t ask him to though – he chose to. I’m wondering if he’ll make me “pay” for that….

    He also told me that if he didn’t want to be with me, then he wouldn’t be, and to stop making a big deal out of everything.

    Could I have overreacted to his blatant attempt at hitting on her in front of the world? I still think I’m justified in feeling hurt though, but did I let it bring me too far down??? Oh I don’t know!!! :-\



  379.  #379Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    IP, a lot of my anger has been directed at me too. For me, it’s been my boundaries. I’ve been way too soft…. and I resent him for that, even though they’re my boundaries and my choice whether to stick to them or not..



  380.  #380Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Here’s what he put on FB last night that really upset me (he knows how insecure I feel about her, and he also deleted me as a friend on FB recently (yep I know, another red flag) because of all of the drama, so probably doesn’t realise I can still see what he’s posting):

    “T, you should be looking after me right now …. H (female friend) will look after S (H’s bf) soon ;)”

    Ok, have I overreacted??? I feel really bad reading that, but have I gone over the top with this????



  381.  #381Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    He posted that on FB only a minute or two after I told him I couldn’t go and pick him up last night….



  382.  #382Daria on November 26, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    i feel awful and angry and my heart all beat up

    i want to heal this

    mmm

    i feel sad

    and quiet

    and this is a familiar feeling

    and i want it to be felt and healed

    i intend to heal this



  383.  #383Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    I need help on this one! Thank you in afvanve for yout good suggestions!

    Last Wednesday, E proposed me to do something tonight. No plans and no time. We always do that. I usually don’t care because he usually call me early in the afternoon and let me know and it’s fine with me.

    Today he texted me asking about my party of last night an that’s it. So I asked what then plan was, he replied: “Right now im moving my friend, i’ll text you later..you are not too hang over from yestarday?”.

    And now it’s almost 6 and he hasen’t give me any plan or time. I feel bored. How can I let him know? Should I cancel since he’s going over my boundaries?? I’m feeling tired from last night and I don’t feel like having to rush for getting ready when he finaly text me and I don’t feel like going out at 10 tonight!

    Any suggestions of script with feeling messages? I want him to feel that I’m still super into him and warm and everything but that I don’t want to do it that way…

    Help!!!!!



  384.  #384LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 2:41 pm

    363:

    I feel appreciated and protected by you Emerson, and that feels good.

    D and I worked all that out before, that’s why it no longer is triggering to me.

    When he was angry at how I helped my friend but never him. I shared w him how it felt helping her out, how her cousin taught me how to paint edges…how I loved that interaction, learning from someone.
    I told my friend’s cousin how he was jealous of me helping my friend out. She said to me “you do things for your friend bc you trust her, you don’t do anything for men bc you don’t trust them.” She was right.
    Later on, D taught me how to paint kitchen cubbards and we did it together. His teaching me was his male energy at work, me receiving his teaching was my female energy at work.
    That moment made both of us very happy. That’s what we both dream of, teamwork in restoring an old house together.
    With his doing the teaching and letting myself receive that teaching was the teamwork interaction that we both dreamed of for a long time.
    I’ve always had men treat me like their servant and slave before he came along.
    If I want to make him happy, I let him cook w me instead of cooking for him.
    He looooves cooking together in the kitchen.
    I loooove having him participate.
    Now that we are clear on that, doing stuff for each other is no longer a trigger and no longer an issue.
    I healed that “servant slave” part of me.



  385.  #385Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    I need help on this one! Thank you in afvanve for yout good suggestions!

    Last Wednesday, E proposed me to do something tonight. No plans and no time. We always do that. I usually don’t care because he usually call me early in the afternoon and let me know and it’s fine with me.

    Today he texted me asking about my party of last night an that’s it. So I asked what then plan was, he replied: “Right now im moving my friend, i’ll text you later..you are not too hang over from yestarday?”.

    And now it’s almost 6 and he hasen’t give me any plan or time. I feel bored. How can I let him know? Should I cancel since he’s going over my boundaries?? I’m feeling tired from last night and I don’t feel like having to rush for getting ready when he finaly text me and I don’t feel like going out at 10 tonight!

    Any suggestions of script with feeling messages? I want him to feel that I’m still super into him and warm and everything but that I don’t want to do it that way…

    Help!!!!!



  386.  #386Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    Oups sorry for posting twice. I am on my phone and when I pressed Submit Comment i received a notice if failure so I resent it and now I see that it appeared twice. Sorryyyy!



  387.  #387Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    385: Lizka – I’m not sure what advice to give you there. I really do suck when it comes to boundaries etc.

    I think I read somewhere or maybe it was one of Rori’s programs that it’s always good to have a Plan B organised in case he doesn’t turn up. And then if he contacts you, you can say something like “Oh I feel so disappointed but when you didn’t call I made other plans!”.

    What do the rest of you sirens think?



  388.  #388Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:00 pm

    Lizka, when he contacts you, just tell him you’re feeling cozy at home already and don’t want to go out.

    if he makes a fuss, then u can worry about feeling messages about the issue of no plans.



  389.  #389Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    Actually I don’t really want to make other plan, I’m tired and if I don’t see him I will be very ok with staying home watching movies.

    And I don’t feel honnest to tell him that since he didn’t call me, I made other plans. Because he did call me! Just didn’t give me a time and a place…



  390.  #390Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    He’s messaging me and he’s angry. And making this all my fault. He does that a lot. Sigh… 🙁



  391.  #391Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    essentially, you just tell him the truth without making him or you wrong. lovely:)



  392.  #392Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    390 – do you ever just not answer him?



  393.  #393Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    So I should not tell him in advance that I am staying home? Isn’t it a little bad? In the past, we were doing that a lot, like we were stuck in a pattern of cancelling last minute. Both him and me. And since a month or 2, we kind of promised to each other that we don’t do that. If I don’t call in advance to tell him I am not interested anymore for tonight, I’m afraid we will go back to this pattern… Am I wrong to think that?



  394.  #394Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 3:05 pm

    I didn’t answer for a bit. And then he came back to tell me he’d deleted the inappropriate post. I didn’t ask him to do that so I’m not sure why he’s done it, but I suppose I need to be out of his head and into how I feel.

    I feel better that he’s done it and I thanked him for doing so…



  395.  #395Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    He just told me hates that I was checking up on him and he hates me right now. I said “That feels bad.”



  396.  #396Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 3:14 pm

    He’s so angry right now but he’s stopped messaging and probably closed his laptop because it looks like he’s gone offline.

    I need to find something to do today to take my mind off him I suppose. I was planning to do my toenails today, and exfoliate too. But that won’t take long to do…

    I have a strong suspicion that he’ll message me later to go and talk to him about everything. But at the same time I suppose I’ll be ok if he doesn’t.

    If he doesn’t then I’m planning to cook something extra yummy for dinner tonight for my daughter and I – it’s her last weekend here for a month, so I want to make the most of it.



  397.  #397Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Ok I think I will folliw your advices BW and Starla. It would be leaning foward and trying to get something from him if i just text him now. I am gonna get cozy, order a movie and go buy pop corn and when he finaly calls, I’ll send him a felling messages. I need help for that now!

    Something like “I felt bored and kind of not respected. I got cozy and ordered a movie. I don’t want to know the plans last minute.”

    I don’t like how it sounds. Something else?



  398.  #398Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm

    BW, if he does ask, you could even just tell him it would feel great to talk to him, but that it’s your last weekend with your daughter for a month so you don’t want to do it tonight. then ask him what he thinks.



  399.  #399Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    lizka 397, the first sentence feels pretty blamey.



  400.  #400Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 3:34 pm

    Starla, what should I say then? I can’t think of a good feeling message. 🙁



  401.  #401Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    i have been feeling paralyzed and odd when it comes to taking care of myself. especially when i am hungry. i don’t eat anything and then nothing else gets done because i am really really hungry.

    i don’t get it. usually after a few hours of it i give in and get up and eat and start being productive. but it feels like an awful struggle to get there. i feel paralyzed.



  402.  #402Radiance on November 26, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    I feel blessed by you Rori and your mission, the life-enhancing tools you offer us and by the community of Sirens here learning, exploring and connecting so deeply–contributing to improving each other’s lives.

    I feel gratitude for increased awareness about my feelings and increased confidence to reveal my authentic self to those close to me and to everyone I encounter.

    I feel delight and power and renewed energy to be finally leaning back from an unavailable CD I have been overfunctioning with for close to three years. And gratitude for the feeling of support to change that comes just from reading the contributions of other women working with your tools and their boundaries and triggers and healing.

    Thank you, Rori, and all the Sirens that post!
    xoxo



  403.  #403Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    just tell him the truth. “i am feeling cozy at home relaxing alone, i don’t want to go out tonight.”

    you can tell him “it’d feel great to go out with you another time. sometime i just need firmer plans or i risk getting cozy at home for the night.”

    remember, YOU are the prize, Lizka.



  404.  #404Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    And… I’ve officially taken a step back. I will not contact him again. If he decides he wants to talk and I’m available, then fine, I’ll talk.

    But for now I am going to take a nap, then I’m going to take a long shower and exfoliate, then I’ll do my toenails before turning on the air conditioning and sitting back with a movie…. I also have a heap of emails to get through. I might do that too, and that should take most of the day.

    And then later I’ll go shopping and buy something nice for dinner.

    I feel better now that I’ve stepped back. Like a huge weight has lifted.

    If he leans forward and initiates contact with me, then great. And if he doesn’t, then I know I’ll be ok – and there are other options out there for me anyway… This has all happened because it was supposed to. It’s all for some very good reason. I’m not sure what that reason is, but I choose to learn from it…



  405.  #405LILI 41 on November 26, 2011 at 3:54 pm

    384:

    I had always felt like a slave servant to men, and D always felt like a slave servant to women.

    He dared wash my floors anyway, and I closed him off and did nothing for him afraid that I would again be the slave servant.

    I shared w him that truth about how I felt like I was a slave and he shared his feelings w me of how he felt like a slave in his past relationships.

    Just now, I told him how I feel like having a really good desert to follow the meal I cooked.
    I said “my unworthy little girl feels bad to make you run out”…he replied “I won’t run, I’ll drive w my car lol”.
    He ran down the stairs and off to go get desert.
    I will enjoy that desert!

    Healing the “slave” part of ourselves took place over the last year.
    Baby steps…
    We’ve been healing our sh*t together here for the last couple of years.



  406.  #406Starla on November 26, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    i really need to break out of this rut. a houseguest is coming for a week tomorrow and i have a dinner to meet all of CF’s family.

    i’m going to start by making a reasonable to-do list for the evening. it’s 5 here so maybe i can have a bunch done in 2 or 3 hours and i’ll feel much better.

    i noticed my inactivity breeds more inactivity through shame and depression.

    and then i’ll cover it up by hanging out with men and letting their attention distract me from taking care of myself.

    i’ll report back when then to-do list has been configured to realistic specifications for the evening.



  407.  #407Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 4:03 pm

    Oh thank you Starla it’s a very good script.

    I feel more confident now. But I feel sad at the same time. I must not be too important for him if it’s 7pm and he hasen’t call me yet…

    I have a feeling that after moving his friend, they started drinking and he’s just gonna forget about me… 🙁



  408.  #408Starla on November 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    ok i made my to do list

    i’m feeling overwhelmed ahhh

    ok i am going to go do the first thing on my list. will be reporting back.

    it’s starla spam night on the blog, sorry guys



  409.  #409Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 4:16 pm

    I want to be unforgettable 🙁

    Specially for E…



  410.  #410Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    Go go go Starla! You gonna feel better and better as you go through your to do list!

    🙂



  411.  #411Ice Princess on November 26, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    409, Me too Lizka.



  412.  #412Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    380 BW ((hugs)) to you…
    Perhaps you remember this article from back in October… but I thought I’d share it since your comments in 380 made me think of it:
    https://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/dating/if-he-unfriends-you-on-facebook-drop-him/



  413.  #413Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    I feel good. I got cozy, in my pyjama, with my dog, ordered the russian movies I wanted to see for a week! Yay!!

    I feel confident that not callig E if he’s not calling me for a plan will good result. Better result then what I would have with what I would have done a few weeks ago! That’s for sure.

    Yay! I feel blessed for learning to use Rori’s tool!

    I’m a siren, la la la!

    🙂



  414.  #414Starla on November 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    Thanks for the encouragement, Lizka!:) I went crazy and actually crossed 4 things off the list! now i’m eating a handful of wasabi/soy sauce almonds and going to tackle the next thing on the list.



  415.  #415Starla on November 26, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    ack, i am not moving, just feeling agitated at all this stagnant energy! lol i feel ridiculous.

    okay now i move.



  416.  #416Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 5:10 pm

    401 Starla I get like that sometimes too…I have to force myself to get up and get ready and I feel better once I do…but it’s a struggle. Maybe its the season and the cold weather!?

    BW 395 the fact that he said he hates you makes huge alarms go off…eeeek that is not ok!!!! He sounds like my toxic-ex alcoholic!

    Lizka if you feel angry I would not hesitate to say I feel angry for being left hanging…it feels bad to have plans not followed thru…

    maybe that is blamey but if it’s true then hmmm….



  417.  #417Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    Ohh! E texted me, finaly!!!!!!

    I feel nervous and proud at the same time. I used your script Starla. It went like this:

    Him: Hey you (smiley)! Just got home, what are you up to?

    Me: Hi! I am watching a russian movie. I am feeling cozy at home relaxing…

    Him: I feel like going out, are you in shape (big smiley) ?

    (Arrrrrg I so feel like saying yes but I would have to wash my hair, and blow dry it, and do my make up, and get dressed. That is at least 1.5 hour… Plus I already ordered and paid for my movie. I have to stick to my new plan. He just had to call earlier!)

    Me: (sad face) I don’t really want to go out. It would feel great to go out with you another time though. Sometimes I just need firmer plans or I risk getting cozy at home for the night…

    Him: No problemos, have a good evening (smiley) !

    So he’s not mad? Apparently not. I wish he would have seem more desapointed. Whatever. I feel excited about doing what I just did! I would have never do that in the past! I would have get ready and waiting for him to call and be angry because he would only call late. Or I would have jump in the shower and say yes yes we go out even if I would have be mad and there would have been a bad vibe during the date. Ahhjhh I feel so happy to have say no!!! My god!!!! Proud proyd proud!!

    We’ll see where this takes me! I am feeling very very confident!



  418.  #418Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Thank you Emerson for your advice. I read it too late. I think what I did was good anyway. And I was not really feeling angry. More bored and just meeeh I don’t want to wash my hair for someone who’s taking his time to give me a plan. I need plans!



  419.  #419Daria on November 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    omg im feeling so good now!

    my mom came and talked to me and it felt good.

    and now i got my light off and reggae music on the computer and i just walked in the room and it felt so good viby…

    mmmmm



  420.  #420Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Starla, why don’t you put some music and dance while doing your chores? That’s what I do when I have a lack of motivation. It’s more fun and in bonus, I feel sexy at washing the dishes and cleaning the floor! Haha I’m probably not really sexy with my yellow rubber gloves!



  421.  #421Femininewoman on November 26, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    Lizka he himself could be tired and might want to rest. However, knowing you were waiting for him to take you out could have had him feeling obligated and believe me you don’t want him taking you out feeling that way. Giving him this freedom could really endear you to his heart if he does not feel any resentment when you meet again. He might spend the rest of the night just thinking about you.



  422.  #422Daria on November 26, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    thank you Daria for making me raspberrry leaf tea and drinking it

    thank you for washing me and changing my underwear

    thank you for warming me up yummy oatmeal

    thank you for warming up my tofee pudding

    thank you for feeding me yummy stuff

    thank you for listening with my mom

    thank you for saying no when i didn’t want to do something

    tahnk you for lighting my candle

    thank you for putting me in a good mood

    thank you for not ‘pushing’ for something that seemed unlikely to happen

    thank you for loving me



  423.  #423Tiffany on November 26, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    Whew, I’m so glad to come here & read all the posts. Sometimes it’s helpful to just read about everyone leaning back & not calling or texting. Just trusting that things will work out for the best.

    I feel like that with k1 right now. Still questioning & wondering where he is “at” after our weird, awkward date last night. Things went from being so open, clear & easy to being open, clear & difficult-feeling. I guess I could try & sur here & figure out why. And I might even be right. But the truth is, does it matter? And who cares why? That’s how it feels & I don’t like it. I am just sinking into the feelings…they feel like: dark. Uncertainty. Unknown. An icky feeling in my stomach. A heavy feeling on my sinuses. But o don’t have to solve it. I don’t have to fix it. I don’t even have to know what it is or what it means. He is very intuitive & sensitive. He picks up on a lot of things going on with me. Better to shift my energy to the positive so he can pick up on that 🙂

    Meanwhile, I had a lovely. And sweet 2-hour phone convo with another cd, who really wants to see me, as soon as he gets home. And I’m going out for dinner & a movie w/ my girlfriends.

    I’m not really concerned with what k1 thinks or does. He likes me. He said I have “th



  424.  #424Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    FW thank you. That feels good to read.

    “He might spend the rest of the night just thinking about you.” – I did not think of that but it’s possible and it’s really cheering me up! Yay!!



  425.  #425Tiffany on November 26, 2011 at 5:41 pm

    Scratch that. Basically, if he’s going to contact me, he will. Otherwise, It’s not my problem 🙂

    ‘night ladies. You are being so awesome & sireny! 🙂



  426.  #426Daria on November 26, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    mmm thank you Daria for doing EFT



  427.  #427Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:48 pm

    412: Emerson – Oh yeah I remember it, hence my reference to a big red flag earlier.. and I know he’s doing it purely because of his immaturity. But I thought by 31 he’d have grown up at least a little? Maybe not…



  428.  #428Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    416: Emerson – no it’s not ok. Although last night in all my anger I said the same thing to him. But I meant more that I hated what he’d done. He probably feels the same way but I can’t be sure…

    Oh and YAY to Lizka! 🙂



  429.  #429Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    hI Tiffany, I know me too…its good and encouraging to read about sirens leaning back and not calling and texting…it gives me strenght to not reach out to Recycled at all….I’m sure he will contact me eventually even tho I told him no contact…but I will never have closure with him and it is OK. I know he really did have feelings for me and that I was special…I just also know he is not able to give me what I want/need at this point in my life..I evolved past the point of just wanting a guy there for comfort…toxic ex is ancient history too…so I need to start from scratch.

    A guy that looks really nice and decent with an education and a good job just emailed me a nice note, he is from the dating site I’m on…and I replied and agreed to dinner…but he is so not my type at all…and I feel….hmmmm…..BORED!!!!!! I don’t feel attracted…ack I am remaining open minded to get to know him…he seems like a really decent guy and gosh it would be great if I could fall for him…

    He does not have any edgyness about him 🙁 so perhaps I will not be intrigued…argh….I tend to like guys with exciting jobs like police or military….I feel impressed when they tell me stories, etc…and I find it exciting…plus it is familiar territory because a lot of my exes are in that job category!

    Sigh.
    Trying something new.



  430.  #430Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 5:58 pm

    Oh thank you BW! I feel so good and secure when I do something and people tell me I did good!



  431.  #431Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 6:05 pm

    Lizka, being probably the person with the worst record in sticking to a boundary, I understand how much strength is needed to be firm and not drop everything for a guy.

    So yes, you did really good by saying what you did and sticking to your boundaries without sounding blamey towards him! xxx



  432.  #432Starla on November 26, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    i am nearing the end of my list of chores. i am so on it!

    the challenge will be feeding myself tonight. i struggle to bring myself to do this one the most. silly silly starla.

    lizka, i am happy for you how it worked out perfect.:):)

    don’t read too far into a man not seeming disappointed. they’re just playing cool, not being psychos, not trying to push you away by not being cool with you wanting space to yourself. i am dating a man who is VERY into me who didn’t show a lot of disappointment or enthusiasm for a long time. i just trusted he was into me and that i was in the prize.



  433.  #433Starla on November 26, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Emerson, people are so different in person sometimes compared to their profiles and photos. maybe you’ll meet up with him soon and he’ll be just fantastic:)



  434.  #434Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    If things are actually over with me and TH, then I’m definitely gonna start CDing my little ar$e off! 😛



  435.  #435Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    Thank you Starla, BW, FW and Emerson for your help and you kind words! I feel so great and so excited about feeling great! Haha

    I told E I was staying home to watch the russian movie and I can’t even get off the blog! Lol. I’ve watch like 5 minutes of the movie. Pausing every 1 minute for 15 minutes to come and read your posts! I’m funny!!! I was so excited about this movie!

    Im gonna turn my phone off fkr 2 hours, so I can watch it and be with myself a little.

    Love to all the sirens and lot of hugs!

    And thank you again for being so amazing!!!!

    xoxo



  436.  #436Starla on November 26, 2011 at 6:17 pm

    aww lizka i feel happy reading your post:) enjoy the movie



  437.  #437Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 6:19 pm

    Oh and I will light some candles. Thank you for giving me this idea Daria!!



  438.  #438Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Re 434 BW

    Yay to that! 🙂 And good luck!



  439.  #439luzydel on November 26, 2011 at 6:29 pm

    So I dragged myself out of the house; the dog needed food and i ended up doing some xmas shopping as well.

    I have been feeling a bit low, I miss “s”, have not contact him nor have the need to do so; I am in the stage of feeling turned off. Still I miss the moments…I know I can create new moments with someone else.

    I had a moment with a “stranger” at the store while I was paying; I felt someone was looking at me, it was a cute guy and I smile (shy) then continued to leave and there he was behind me at the door offering to help me with the bags; I said no thanks it was only three bags and I felt awkward. But now I feel I missed an opportunity… 🙁



  440.  #440Starla on November 26, 2011 at 7:33 pm

    woohoo i have momentum and stuff is getting done!



  441.  #441Ice Princess on November 26, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    Now I’m letting a stupid Facebook game irritate me! Should I let him go or is this me?



  442.  #442Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    439 Luzydel 🙂
    It’s ok…next time, perhaps you can remind yourself to say yes when help is offered like holding a door, etc…

    I kinda tend to do that too…I’m so used to doing stuff on my own, that I don’t want anyone else to have to “bother” to help me if I don’t “need” it…but I’m learning that accepting help, even as little as a door held open, is part of letting people in!!

    Even if you declined, I love that he offered…it shows that you are an approachable, beautiful siren…and you will have many, many more opportunities to say “yes”… 🙂 It’s ok!!!

    xoxo sending hugs and love to you
    -Emerson



  443.  #443Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    Gawsh I met 3 cute guys the other night while I was at the bar waiting for OceanCD when he was running late for our date! I think I may go back to that place, the bartender was so nice and it was a cool place to hang out! I liked it! LOL I had more fun there than at dinner with Ocean LOL!!!



  444.  #444Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    hmm…I am thinking more and more how glad I am that I didn’t marry the guy I didn’t feel passionate about from years ago…I could have married him, but something was missing…I just KNEW IT….and for some reason today I had a flashback of how clear my feelings were about it…

    Perhaps it was just my fear of intimacy? But I don’t thing so…I think I was never really attracted to him the way you should be to someone you are going to marry…I just never ever was even in the beginning. He was ok but something was MISSING….and I would spend time trying to talk myself into being with him because he offered me the WORLD…but I did not feel at PEACE…and I have to trust that feeling…

    I feel a lil less like beating myself up now that I realized that and being nicer to myself. Yay Emerson!



  445.  #445Ice Princess on November 26, 2011 at 8:20 pm

    Here is an attempt at a feeling message, granted I know it may sound silly. If so, please feel free to tell me. “I felt so special when you invited me to your game. It felt bad to see that I was not the only person invited and I feel very defensive about others playing.”



  446.  #446Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 8:30 pm

    I had such a nice date with myself! My dog, candles, big glass of fresh water and a very nice and sad movie.

    One of my girl friend texted me and asked what I was doing and invited me to go to some night club. I said no thank you, E called me too late so I made some other plans. She replied “Thats not real plans.”. I got a little mad at her for judging me and thinking that Im a looser for staying home a Saturday night. And now that I am writting these words, my heart aches and I feel sad… I’m not a looser, I had so much fun with myself…

    And after that I realised that I use to do things for me only when I had nothing else to do. It was almost like a punishment. Well tonight I felt so great and comfortable that I’m gonna start scheduling dates with myself. I will even write it down in my agenda. Yay! I love that. But still angry at my friend for thinking she knows everything. 🙁



  447.  #447Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 8:46 pm

    Negative thoughts now because of my friend. Grrrrrrrr. I will make my list of blessings to bring back some positive.

    1. I feel blessed to have emotional intelligence. It makes me able to understand Rori’s tools and use them in my life to be a better person and be more happy.

    2. I feel blessed for Sex and the City’s episode marathon they have on CosmoTV on Saturday night. Good way to end the night. What a feel good tv show!

    3. I feel blessed for having so many activities planned with different people in the next weeks. I am getting more socialy busy than I have been in the past five years! Happy!!!

    4. I feel blessed for having a mommy who loves me so much that she would do anythin for me.

    5. I feel blessed for planning family vacation for the holidays with my father.

    6. I feel blessed for reconnecting with one of my best friend with who I had a fight and didn’t talk for 2 months.

    7. I feel blessed for my little dog who gives me everyday uncoditional love. Awww little princess who follows me where ever I go in the house to come sleep next to me. I should take better care of her sometimes. Little thing. <3

    8. I feel blessed for you sirens who help me with good cheer up and good advices like tonight.



  448.  #448Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    I just went out to buy food for dinner tonight and my hair wasn’t done, I had no makeup on and I wasn’t exactly dressed to impress.

    Despite that, as I walked down one of the aisles, a guy was staring at me, and as I got closer he smiled. I smiled back, thinking how funny cos I know I looked like cr@p! lol

    TH hasn’t talked to me since this morning and my major step back. And now I’m starting to doubt if he will talk to me at all today.

    He also has a really busy week ahead at work, so I really won’t be surprised if the week goes by with nothing. But I don’t think this is over… yet….

    In the meantime I’ll make the most of the last few days with my daughter before she goes to stay with her father for a month – and I’ll CD myself a little…



  449.  #449Butterfly Wings on November 26, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    Oooo! Lizka! You have inspired me! One of my gf’s has the entire series of Sex and the City on DVD! I might ask her if I can borrow them all! Hmmm…..! :)))



  450.  #450Starla on November 26, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    that’s funny lizka, i was just thinking to myself how i LOVE spending saturday nights at home. i try to keep my saturday nights free so i can spend time with myself at home these days. feels so nice and peaceful.



  451.  #451Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 9:00 pm

    Good idea Butterfly Wings!! For me, it works almost every time. I always feel better and stop thinking about negative things after watching an episode! If you borrow the six seasons, you will have enough for a few weeks of not thinking about TH and total lean back!! 🙂



  452.  #452Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 9:02 pm

    It is Starla! But I still feel sad for having my friend thinking I am stupid to do that.



  453.  #453Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    Lizka, I like your list of positive things, and I think your Saturday night spent on a date with yourself sounds delightful! In fact, on Thanksgiving, I was dying to leave dinner because I just wanted to spend some time alone with myself in the car and in front of the TV for a bit!
    It’s great! And so healthy!
    Lizka I like your name, it’s cute. 🙂



  454.  #454Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    The episode of Sex and the City I was watching ended like this, I put it as my Facebook status:

    “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”



  455.  #455Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 9:22 pm

    Thank you Emerson. 🙂



  456.  #456Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    You are welcome Lizka 😀



  457.  #457Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    453 ok well I did cry in the car for a few minutes that night after Thanksgiving dinner, but mostly I was enjoying my own company 🙂
    Anyway you get the point…it’s good to spend time alone and enjoy it! It’s very empowering…

    I just have faith that I will meet someone I feel passionate about and that will love me back…I wish it was Recycled….but it’s probably not. I **will** meet someone else…and when I do, I will have taken such good care of myself that he will be intrigued and I will feel good about myself!!!



  458.  #458Lizka on November 26, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    I have good faith too. Maybe it’s E, maybe not.

    I’m in bed, about to go sleep. I re read the messages I sent to him. I feel so proud!! Haha I was shaking when I sent and now I feel so good and I have faith that only positive will come out of that event!

    xoxo sirens!!



  459.  #459Emerson on November 26, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    458 Lizka 🙂