For Your Holiday Season 2014

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treeheartHere’s my favorite Holiday post….and happy everything to you…

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, many more traditions both religious and secular – all together, all at once the mere thought of it fills me with feelings of dread.

Is it because I remember that winter in New York and how depressed that year was? Is it because there’s so much family at the holidays – and I feel not only obligated and exhausted, but adolescent again around so much of my history?

My family history is wonderful. I’m one of the very lucky ones. A not so dysfunctional home – perhaps not passion, but at least humor, affection and lots of support and attention for my brother and me.

Perhaps it just feels as if all the pain of the world comes into relief around the ever present pictures of joy at this time of year. I know it’s not about me at all.

It’s not personal. Do we all just notice, suddenly, all at the same time, that we’re all in this together? We go to church, go to synagogue, light candles, wrappresents, shop in the same stores, rush around in the dark after work. It feels so unreal. Like going through the motions without any real heart.

And then all at once it hits me. It’s transition time. Something has ended.

Something has started. Even more than at birthday time, I’m older. My daughter moves toward her own life. My husband feels time – there are days to Christmas and days to New Year’s. We’ve done this before. Over and over. The ritual of transition.

To those of you who are waiting on the edge of a new relationship showing up or hoping the one you’ve started will turn concrete or hoping the one you’ve been long committed to will take flight into bliss – believe it will.

Regardless of how unsettling the holidays can be for so many reasons unique to each of us – there’s magic in the air. Things can happen. We are all teetering at a transition, looking for meaning to drop into our lives. Allow it to tip in. It will.

Part of what is so challenging about the end of the year is that we all feel pressed to do so much.

Presents, parties, family, gather that man under your wing before the year ends, tension, anger, old resentments. Instead, try something different.

Instead of trying to swim through this, sink into it. Believe the wave of emotion and giddiness and pressure and pain and feeling like a child again will hold you up.

You will not be dropped on your head. You will float across the sea of possibilities into the next part of your life a bit more transparent.

A bit wiser, a bit more vulnerable, feeling fragile but relying on the steel within you to let the world see what a beautiful, delicate, intricate, complex and yet totally whole woman you are.

Even when I can’t see it, can’t feel it, can’t trust it, I believe. Sometimes I’m propelled into action to help someone else – and then I feel more human and less fragile. I feel of use. But sometimes I just make myself lie down on the floor and look up at the ceiling.

Instead of a solid plaster barrier above my head – if I look really hard – I can see a window, a passage, a worm-hole, time-warp, incomprehensible path to what I can’t see.

And it’s not just my future, it’s my possibilities. I look up into something I can’t see and let myself sink into myself. I thank the floor for holding me up, and then I just fly into whatever there is out there. I believe it’s bliss.

I believe that my future and my daughter’s future, and my husband’s future, and the futures of all my dear friends and family and clients, and even the futures of people I can never feel close to or even good when I’m around them, are full of possibilities. Things I could never even imagine.

It’ll take the living of it, moment by moment, transition by transition, feeling by feeling, experience by experience, with the highest hopes I can muster, to discover what they are.

Wishing you bliss, joy, experience, love, faith, hope, adventure, and a glimpse of the beauty of your own soul in a random moment shared with all of us in the place we can’t see that’s full of possibilities…

Love, Rori

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136 Comments

  1.  #1Emerson on December 25, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    Thank you for this Rori!



  2.  #2Tatia on December 26, 2014 at 5:20 am

    This is so beautiful Rori.
    Happy New Year Sirens!

    Love,

    Tatia



  3.  #3Tereana on December 26, 2014 at 5:45 am

    This is wonderful!



  4.  #4Helena Hart on December 26, 2014 at 9:36 am

    Beautiful! Happy Holidays everyone!! πŸ™‚

    Love, Helena



  5.  #5prplpsn28 on December 26, 2014 at 10:40 am

    πŸ™‚



  6.  #6Mistea1 on December 26, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    Thanks for this. I’m loving this holiday season.



  7.  #7Emerson on December 27, 2014 at 12:15 am

    Hi sirens, today my friend reminded me that closure is not necessary ….it is a myth…
    Also that being over analytic is not good either ….
    I tend to analyze over and over….
    I rehash and rehash again….
    It’s a waste of time
    And feels tiring



  8.  #8Femininewoman on December 27, 2014 at 3:33 am

    I wish bliss for all in 2015.

    Thank you.



  9.  #9Gemini Goddess on December 27, 2014 at 9:25 am

    Kind of riffing, but open to thoughts.

    It’s like clockwork. We have a wonderful bonding, forward moving time together…vulnerable, heartfelt and forward moving. Then, because of custody schedules or work travel, we have time apart. First day or two not in physical proximity still chatty (text, phone, etc.), and then the next few days my nasty voice starts taking over, flooding in, and I barely want to talk to him, so scared, so bitter about something he said that I’m fixating on in some contrived negative way, some general freak out. But that’s just it. Is it the “nasty voice”, or is it “perspective from a distance”? Maybe I’m just swept away when we’re together, and maybe we both want it to work so badly we ignore red flags. I don’t know, and I do not know what to do with the NVs. All the reading and energy purging and new awareness, and I still don’t know what to do with it, or if it IS the NVs. Sometimes it all seems so clear, and other times, these times, it takes me down. Thank heavens I can now “see” it, and not be subsumed and blaming and reactive as before, but I can’t seem to understand how much are “clues” I need to pay attention to, and how much is an NV to put in the other room and give a cookie (I like that metaphor) . AAaargh! I wonder if he were the “right” guy I wouldn’t be so triggered (like the question a couple posts ago about the ebb and flow being so devastating sometimes, and would it be so with the right guy). I wonder if I were more evolved I wouldn’t be so triggered. Why am I so triggered???

    We are 9 months into the relationship. He has made very clear he wants a forever future. I met his very extended family over Thanksgiving (we flew from the West Coast to the East Coast). He came out to spend Christmas with my family (again, East Coast and he’s jewish). He wants us to go to pre-marital counseling while we have everything going for us. He’s 55, long since divorced, and with a 15 year-old son who I adore. His last relationship ended over a year ago with a live in girl friend of 4 years. From what I can tell, they wren’t really a fit, but he wanted it to work and really wants a relationship in general. If you’re familiar with Briggs-Myeres, he’s is a total ENTJ (a CEO and business man through and through). I’m 43, divorced 2 years, and have a 5 and a 9 year old, who both adore him. I’m no CEO (nor do I want to be), but I support myself and kids. I’m an ENFP. My ex and I were definitely not a match. Nice guy, but relationship was domed from the start. I want to be married to the love of my life. It’s a blessing and a curse, but I have never had a problem attracting men, and I think I may have mentioned, have been engaged 3 times (yuck!). I don’t want to sail into a relationship, and maybe everything is so perfect it’s freaking me out.

    My NV’s (or is it reason??!?) are screaming at me. When we are together it is WONDERFUL. He treats me like gold and will try to do/change anything I ask. He went through his whole house and got rid of lingering artifacts from the previous relationship. He truly did not notice things like empty picture hanging nails on the walls, foot scrubber by the tub, and old half burned girly candles. I REALLY lost it when I found her left-behind curlers in one of the bathroom drawers. He never saw them because he only uses two drawers, but it all felt like crappy feng shui, and energetic hanging on. This was all 6 months ago.

    In my spiraling spiraling moments (more like hours), I feel like I’m just the next one through, not THE SPECIAL ONE AND ONLY, at least that’s what the NVs say. Just the next one to fill the drawers. The next one to accompany him on his trips and dinners. I don’t know if it’s because of HIM or because of me. I’m trying to hold the mirror to myself. Maybe it’s because I think of HIM as just the next one through MY life? Or is it because I don’t feel somehow special enough? Am I incapable of making the transition from fascination and object-of-mystique to serious relationship? I’m really good at the initial seduction. Am I addicted to that kind of attention? I really appreciated the conversation about the ebb and flow, and saved the posts out. I’m so paranoid about not actually being special beyond the time when they are pounding my door down, and then I’m paranoid that my paranoia itself/insecurity will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I married my ex-husband because he did not trigger me at all. Bad choice. I want the real thing so badly, and am so deathly scared to wake up in 2…5.. years and wish so badly that he (whoever he is) would pay attention to me like he used to. That’s the biggest one actually. I’ve got to figure out that water wheel beyond the early stages.

    I read through my many worries and think “Good God, How GRANULAR! How can I turn a great situation into such stress???? Do I just have a required amount of misery in my life, and once this is somehow resolved, I’ll just fill it with something else?!?”



  10.  #10Gemini Goddess on December 27, 2014 at 9:28 am

    I am open to all comments, really. Even “pull it together, already” comments. πŸ™‚



  11.  #11Gemini Goddess on December 27, 2014 at 9:31 am

    Hmmm… Maybe what Emerson said in #7 is my answer.



  12.  #12Indigo on December 27, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Gemini Goddess,

    I feel I have a different perspective I can offer you, and it may or may not help (I am an INFP on the Myers-Briggs).

    When my nasty voices are screaming at me, yes I want to calm them down and I think this is good, because you really can’t think straight when you are spiraling into an abyss of fear and panic. I don’t want to give into them, but if they are yelling at me, I also want to take a step back and find out why they are acting up so much in this situation. I suppose what I’m saying is, yes, there is a time to tell them to shut up, but sometimes there is also a time to let them speak. There is no harm in letting them have their say – you are in control after all. Once you’ve heard all their fears, take some time to take a step and examine your relationship from every angle to see if there are any truths pointing at you or your man, or the two of you together. I truly believe that time reveals all things. If you are truly going into this with your eyes open, with all the information, and taking your time, you will see the right thing to do.



  13.  #13Veronica on December 27, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Gemini Goddess – Natalina suggested that with NVs that I could try telling them that I’m in charge. It works for me when the NVs threaten to derail things. I’m not sure if you’ve come across that approach. I hear the NVs and their concerns which try to protect me but I’m in charge



  14.  #14Azure Blu on December 27, 2014 at 10:24 am

    treana, gear, veronica and beloved…
    I responded to your posts on the last thread…
    oxoxo



  15.  #15Azure Blu on December 27, 2014 at 10:48 am

    just an update…
    As Spirit was going to go with me to my families Christmas celebration on Dec. 25…
    I was excited to have a man who I have so much chemistry with
    sharing my families holiday festivities (even though I know I don’t want him to be my Mr. Right)

    the day before xmas He text me pictures of HIS families xmas celebration -which happened on Tues. Dec 23…
    I felt like a 2×4 had slammed into my gut…

    He had invited himself to my families xmas gathering
    insinuating he would be alone for the the holidays…
    I was ANGRY, hurt, felt manipulated…
    I sat with my feelings, as I continued to shop and talk with family and friends on the phone
    wishing each other christmas cheer…

    Now, I was NOT feeling at all comfortable having him come with me
    But I didn’t want to hurt HIS feelings…
    I didn’t want to make HIM feel uncomfortable
    It would be scary to express my anger,
    confusion and disapointment to him

    But I realized…
    I LOVE ME…
    I did not deserve to be treated like this…
    I texted him…
    “I feel icky about this…
    I feel confused and sad”
    a few minutes later he called me and asked
    “What’s up?”
    The short of it was
    I told him I didn’t feel good not being invited to his families xmas… especially when he had invited himself to mine…
    he explained he understood…
    he had just spent 3 hours shopping for my xmas gifts..
    I said i have gifts for him too…
    but this wasn’t about gifts…
    He used his daughter as the excuse again…
    I held my ground
    and he said why dont’ we wait and meet after xmas and exchange gifts…
    (We said other things… but won’t go into it…
    all kind and warm)
    I agreed…
    we said “I love you”
    We wished each other merry xmas on dec. 25
    and exchanged text pictures
    but haven’t been in contact since…

    Although it felt VERY good to share my
    feelings with Spirit…
    (This was the BEST I have ever expressed my anger… I felt VERY connected to ME and HIM}

    It was VERY sad that I didn’t have a special
    man to be with me at xmas… I wish with alll MY HEART it was Spirit (but he isn’t right for me)

    I gave myself a WONDERFUL xmas gift…
    I lovingly, compassionately listened to what I needed and shared that with Spirit
    and I Honored ME!!!
    THIS IS HUGE!!!



  16.  #16Gemini Goddess on December 27, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Thanks a lot Indigo and Veronica. Your comments feel so warm, comforting and insightful…just what I needed.

    (((Azure Blu)))



  17.  #17Mistea1 on December 27, 2014 at 11:43 am

    Azure Blu 15,
    Oh, it seems holidays like this bring up everything don’t they. I’m so glad you got to speak up.

    I had a similar thing with MusicTd. At one point last week I thought he overdid the ‘domination of this non-relationship’. So I wrote a complete feeling letter calling him out on all the major issues. “I feel confused/sad when … I am a real person with feelings and dignity.” etc. times 3 issues.
    then I did, ” I feel sad….”

    Then I told of music was a catalyst for me and this .. happened. I think he caught on to this even though I tried to contain it as he wasn’t involved in it. I think that’s what triggered his interest early on.

    That was Monday before Christmas. On Christmas
    day he said he wanted to talk to me. Finally! You know I couldn’t have approached him first. We were very blunt with each other. We discussed the music as emotional opening and the problems it can cause and especially him as the musician. He said many women have come to him over the years and they are all the same personality. I agreed with this that I have the same issue with men. I made sure he knew that he wasn’t the first ‘well known’ I’d been acquainted with. I matched him honestly point for point. He did seem a little taken aback when I let him know I was currently dating. (good). The conversation got a little more blunt as he defended himself by attacking with other things rather that acknowledging the points I had brought up. All in all a throughly toxic person.

    At the end I felt as if a great weight had been lifted. I got to tell him what needed to be told both in person and in writing. He got to tell me he was indeed too busy with his life to have time for the likes of me. He saved face which is important to him. Now he is off for two and a half weeks on his concert/lecture tour of Europe and hopefully when he gets back we can have a very distant more formal relationship.

    I learned I need to start playing music again and generate my own emotional milleau rather than depend on someones distorted chaotic one.

    Maybe next year will find us both in a more advantageous position. Best to you Azure Blu, you have been a big help.



  18.  #18Azure Blu on December 27, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Thanks Mistea
    I’m glad you and Musictd had a chance to talk
    and start the New Year having shared your heart
    with this man who sounds like a amazing musician…

    I have learned
    those, glorious, passionate, self absorbed, sexy musicians,
    very often, are NOT relationship material…

    I can see, you and I, are ready for NEW
    more intimate adventures
    in 2015!!!



  19.  #19Gear on December 27, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    Azure 15, ((((hug)))) to you! Congratulations that you gave yourself this priceless gift – taking care if yourself, your feelings first!! To be true to your own feelings and speak up. You didn’t allow your feeling like the paper ball crumpled on the floor. You straightened the paper and it is unscrambled! Big hug! Let the tear run, let the anger be heard. Yes, the best way to walk out is to walk through.

    Love,



  20.  #20Gear on December 27, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    RIFF
    Step 1: I can’t met a man who is from stable family background, who wants marriage, who has strong family values, who is stable, no baggage, yet physically attractive to me the same time.

    Step 2: I want to meet a man who is from stable family background, has strong family values and wants marriage and who is stable(emotionally and financially), and has no emotional baggage and physically very attractive to me.

    Step 3: what does it feel like to want that? It makes me feel excited, it makes me feel happy, it makes me feel settled.

    Another voice saying those type of men are already married, taken, not available any more; It’s too late for me to have that type of men. I missed the window to have that type of men in my life. If I were 20 years younger it could…
    Men who are attractive are not emotionally available; or they have baggage;

    Step 4: how does it feel like if I have what I want?
    I would feel happy, feel satisfied, feel deserving,

    Step 5: my Body sensation to have what I want? I would be smiling from my heart, from ear to ear, my eyes lit up, full of light, my body feels pulled up, My spine feels pulled taller, straighter, my hands are warm, the palms of my hands tingling, my shoulders relaxed, my body is warm, soft, melt,

    Step 6: I am going to sauna for the channeling…



  21.  #21Gear on December 27, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Well, I am physically ill. My body has been fighting really hard last few days, finally I am in bed, cancelled later afternoon and evening outing with friends. It does not feel good when I have body ache, soreness, sneeze, running nose…. On a Saturday night! feeling awful…

    Hope I can sleep 10-12 hours to get over the cold…



  22.  #22Beloved on December 27, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Oh, Azure Blue – I continue to feel so delighted and grateful for your encouragement, thank you!

    I had another wonderful..er, well, interesting date this afternoon. This guy is totally gaga over me, he’s kind of neurotic and I mentioned earlier kind of stuck in what he thinks he ‘knows’ about reality, spirituality, etc.
    So, he was droning on and on, mouthing lots of spiritual platitudes that I discarded some time ago…and yet, there is something super yummy about him that made me want to stay, so I started practicing.
    It felt weird and unusual, in the coffee, shop, I started telling him how I was feeling…I felt as of a hook was grasping for me and I felt pulled.
    At some point, I felt like running, like shrinking, and I don’t remember what else. He felt uncomfortable and awkward, which I sat with using every ounce of my strength not to make it better for him.
    I even felt sadness at some point.
    It felt quite liberating to be sharing all of this as practice, and not really feel concerned about whether I might scare him away or what he might think of me. I shared what I felt, observed his reaction….
    He was puckering his lips for a kiss, and I stayed leaned back, smiling, arms out for him to come to ME, haha.
    So, actually, even as I was leaving, I was feeling better and really enjoying the kissing and affection, enjoying his enthusiasm, enjoying him enjoying me. I actually did feel more relaxed..surprisingly…whatever that was about..!
    I also have a date planned with him for Friday – although he was so twitterpated that he didn’t specify a time. I don’t have any reason to pin him down on that for the moment and I expect to hear from him Monday when I get my new phone.

    Wow, dating is fun again…who knew? πŸ™‚
    I can even say I feel like getting up and running away, and he’s fascinated, lol.



  23.  #23Kim on December 27, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    Azure Blu, I love 15.
    Taking great care of yourself and putting yourself first without shutting down or running, and feeling the feelings that come up. Speaking your truth.
    Just love it?



  24.  #24Kim on December 27, 2014 at 7:16 pm

    Uhm…the question mark was supposed to me an exclamation mark lol



  25.  #25Beloved on December 27, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    AzureBlue – also, way to go on communicating those difficult feelings with Spirit CD! That took a lot of courage.



  26.  #26Gear on December 27, 2014 at 7:28 pm

    Well, finally I vented.
    A text me 3pm today, I was napping left phone downstairs. Saw it after 6, replied, then no response…until 8, then I responded right away, then he had no response. I text, “I would feel better to talk on the phone than texting.”
    No response. I feel the energy was draining, the only reason I wanted to talk was to get my message across.
    No response.
    So, I text the following paragraph that I had scripted.

    “I have been feeling confused and disappointed about the date arrangements (how they were setup, or the lack of it) and how the communication between us or the follow up, I don’t like this feeling. It makes me feel turned off. ”

    “I don’t feel how the interactions turned out healthy. And I don’t want to be in unhealthy interaction.”

    I feel much better after sending the text to Mr. toxic. Truly, I feel the whole interaction with him last 3 weeks has been toxic. I almost used that word “toxic”, but I didn’t send it. I sent “unhealthy”.

    I feel so relieved that I don’t have to deal with him any more. He may jump out send me a text and with no follow up. Was he expecting me rowing the boat or what!

    What do you think?



  27.  #27Mistea1 on December 27, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    OK, now what? I have a second date for dinner and a music event with new guy tomorrow night. I haven’t heard from him at all, most likely due to the holiday. Is he supposed to confirm this or do I just show up at the place and time we agreed upon? I, of course, am not going to call him. Or if he doesn’t confirm do I not go? This dating stuff using RR tools is still new to me. Thanks a bunch.



  28.  #28Indigo on December 27, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Mistea1,

    My take: If it is the first time this is happening and you have already agreed on the time and place, you can show up, and then say to him “I feel much better when plans are confirmed.”

    If it happens a second time, I would consider having a back-up plan that you do instead.



  29.  #29Indigo on December 27, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    Sirens,

    I am having such fun with leaning back. I am leaning back with all the men in my life.

    Yesterday I had a drink with a guy friend whom I had not seen in a while, and he was really easy to talk to about anything and everything. I just practiced being in my own energy, saying what I think and feel, honouring myself. He didn’t seem to want the afternoon to end, but at a certain point I just had to go, and he said how great it had been and was eager to set up another time. Sometimes I think this all works a bit too well, but again this is good practice for me with setting boundaries and communicating what I do and don’t want. That has been an interesting aspect to all of this that I have been getting to practice of late. Speaking and acting on what I do and don’t want in the moment.

    Then I got a text yesterday from my one-time FWB ( C ) and I went over to his place, but nothing really happened, just a bit of snuggling and watching TV then we both fell asleep. I have decided to completely lean back with him – the old me would have tried to get some kind of affection going and had all kinds of expectations of the evening, but instead I just totally leaned back and observed what he did. I enjoyed the feeling of safety and protectedness and warmth of his arm around me. It’s interesting for me to practice this with him as I have no emotional investment in him whatsoever. He is hot but he has the personality of a cupboard door.

    All this practicing with different men that I’m not invested in feels good. It feels loving towards myself to just lean back and observe for the moment.



  30.  #30Veronica on December 27, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    From the previous thread:

    Azure Blu – 533 – It was difficult and usually I’d either want to run away or stuff my feelings just to get past the β€˜awful’ moment. In the midst of the swirling emotions, it felt like loving myself just being with them.
    xxx



  31.  #31Veronica on December 27, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    Gemini Goddess – 16 – 



  32.  #32Veronica on December 27, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    31 – : ) is the emoticon I wanted to be there



  33.  #33IamHis on December 28, 2014 at 2:24 am

    I came here to just vent about how lonely and weird I’m feeling. About how I feel smothered by one guy and so honored and free and good and thankful for the time and space to process from the other guy.

    Reading all of your stories feels SO healing and makes me feel so not alone, so I just wanted to thank everyone for the honest sharing of yourselves!

    Yesterday felt so sad and lonely and scary and fraught with worry about money and being alone forever.

    & when he texted me “hey” I felt so smothered and oh my goodness would you leave me alone I’m not here to entertain you, I don’t want to tell you about my pathetic day I just want to be alone and sad and weird and a little angry.

    Anger at my mother, her constant negativity, constantly looking down on other people.

    Filling me with doubts about so many good and REAL things in my life, feeding my fears and insecurities, not feeding my hopes, dreams, talents.

    & then I came here and read and felt empathy, forgiveness, & compassion. Most importantly, hope.

    Thank you all so much!
    How so



  34.  #34Sophie on December 28, 2014 at 3:30 am

    Happy belated xmas everybody!

    Azure Blu I feel so impressed and excited clapping hands for you – I would have found that so difficult to do, not to just be compulsive cos I wanted what I wanted now. I feel so inspired thank you.

    I feel so inspired by everyone. Andrea I loved the little girl image on the last post – it was very evocative and I’m going to try and keep it in mind.

    Veronica – lovely to hear your voice and the way you express your feelings and how your festivities have been.

    Mistea – and some sort of motion forward for you too – woo hoo πŸ™‚

    I am being forced,much against my will, to practice Rori tools ha ha. I’m staying long termish in this beachy area and I met a man who I have a mini crush on and so now I’m trying to stay out of his way in a leany back way but there aren’t many places for me to go so I feel a bit sad and lonely! He knows lots of people and took me along on xmas eve and was very sweet introducing me and making sure I got back okay and things but then…there’s nothing,other than if I go to this hang out place,and now I feel really uncomfortable going to the hang out place as it feels like i’m going in the hope of seeing him – arggghhh…so, i’m trying to find all the options for opening myself up in all other areas that are nothing to do with him. It feels testing. I like his conversation and I like how he makes me laugh. I don’t like feeling chasy, or needy, or a bit friendless and pathetic.

    I met a lovely gay man on Xmas Day I felt content and amused all evening. It felt fun.And he gave me a big pep talk about being a beautiful, intelligent (feminine – yes he used that word) woman and to stop taking any s%$t πŸ™‚ (in a soft and boundaried way of course πŸ™‚ I am trying!



  35.  #35Sophie on December 28, 2014 at 3:37 am

    This is what I’m learning from him:

    I don’t like feeling I have to go to him.

    Note to self: I want a man (who I like) to chase me (like Andrea’s analogy). I want to be pursued. I want the action to be put in.

    I don’t like hinting lists of what they are going to do so I have to guess if that is an invitation or not.

    Note to self: I like to be invited – directly. Without ambiguity.

    I don’t like having to avoid places because I feel attracted to someone and it feels uncomfortable for me – I guess I can’t do much about that? Argh the whole thing has me feel self conscious eg am I wearing this dress/hairstyle whatever just incase I see him, where shall I go so I can/cannot bump into him.Nothing feels natural – I am constantly monitoring my motivations. And, this is a long – getting it out – but I am trying to withdraw my energies completely…whenever my mind wanders…and just use it as an opportunity to explore new places…and remind myself there are SO many men out there



  36.  #36Sophie on December 28, 2014 at 3:58 am

    Dominique from the other thread – I knew you’d say that πŸ™‚ I’ve been taking it on board a bit – I been wondering if i’ve been feeling quite a lot disconnected from my body actually. I’m beginning to feel some sensuality revival. And thank you for your poem – its beautiful xx



  37.  #37Diva on December 28, 2014 at 4:12 am

    Hi Rori and all the lovely Sirens,

    I need your support in overcoming this situation that I have been facing for the past few years. I want to start my new year with the triumph over this situation…

    I live in India. Had a very protected childhood and practically no exposure to the opposite sex in a romantic way during my teens (I went to an all girls school and college. And the society where are grew up was not open to a “more than friendship” association between boys and girls)

    As i started working and living independently, I realized was clueless about the dynamics of love, romance and flirting. During that time in 2007, a colleague at work for whom I didn’t think much about, flirted with me at a party, we held hands under the table and played with each other’s feet. It was thrilling and unimaginable. He was suave and playful, add to it that he had a great educational and professional track. That made him the perfect one to yearn for. I just wanted him or his clone for myself and no one else would work. However, he disappeared after that night.

    The obsession mellowed down over the months till we met again after a year at an office party in a pub and he suggested I come home with him. while I said no, the pining and the yearning resurfaced. He of course disappeared again.

    Only to come back after so many years as my immediate manager at work. He’s now married.
    He’s very professional and is not out of line or hinting anything. As I see him everyday, the pining and longing is all coming back.

    I have been circular dating and meeting all sorts of people. I have been working with Rori’s tools for about a year now. I understand that its not worth and I am supposed to focus on myself. But I can’t get over it. I invariably compare every man with him (which is setting myself and the other guy up for failure). this is a wonderful job that will further my career in a big way, so I don;t want to leave it or get a transfer.

    But its painful. I feel I will not even recognize a nice man in my life if my focus keeps going to this guy who is my manager now. I feel miserable when he’s not at work and even more miserable when I see him at work. I feel that I will never get someone like him (men in my social circle or the ones I met through circular dating were not half as accomplished as he is)

    I thought of sinking into my feelings instead of resisting them like Rori suggests in this post… but that renders me useless. I can dwell in those feelings for days together and the obsession only increases.

    Please help.

    Diva



  38.  #38Gemini Goddess on December 28, 2014 at 5:23 am

    Indigo-

    Thanks for your description of leaning back in various situations. Sometimes I forget what it looks and feels like.

    I’m focusing on my passions again, too (per last thread). I feel like I am putting to much focus on “Relationship”, not just D, but the whole thing. It feels exhausting.



  39.  #39Gemini Goddess on December 28, 2014 at 5:28 am

    Hugs to you, Diva. I can so feel your sadness and pain. It sounds to me like you’re doing everything right even though it hurts to the core. It WILL get better. Hang in there sweet goddess.



  40.  #40Labbit on December 28, 2014 at 6:40 am

    Diva,

    My heart goes out to you. Seeing him every day at work must be challenging.

    Know that things will get better. Start with that belief and it will make your journey lighter, easier, maybe even more fun! You’re addicted to this man. He’s your drug of choice. And I know that might sound awful, but it’s really good news because the feelings you’re suffering through right now don’t actually have anything to do with him at all. It’s all about what he represents to you — love, partnership, touch, relationship — things that you feel are missing right now.

    In truth, all the love you could ever need already lives inside of you. Right now you’ve unintentionally put that love of self in a coma while you pine after this man. So let’s wake it up! Every time you start pining after him or yearning for him, tell yourself what you DESERVE: a loving, committed, healthy relationship with a man who cherishes and respects you. Tell yourself you intend to turn away from pain and turn towards love. At first these words might ring hollow, but keep saying them anyway. In time you’ll come to believe it.

    Each day find something you can do to take good care of yourself. Maybe you find a new soap that foams up real good and feels nice, maybe a candle that smells like lavender or another scent that brings happy feelings, maybe you go for a walk somewhere beautiful on your lunch break or after work. If you can, schedule activities after work each day so that instead of thinking about him all day you can look forward to the activity you have planned. When I’m really stressed out I’ll schedule a gym class each day after work so that when my stress level rises I can say to myself, ‘Only 3 more hours til spin class’ etc.

    For me it usually takes about 30 days of really looking after myself after a romantic letdown before I start to feel normal again. During that time I have good days and bad days, and you might too. Don’t judge yourself for any of it. Let the emotions come and go, don’t hold on to any of them but don’t resist them either. Think of them like breezes that flow and start and stop and disappear and reappear. Your rhythm will get back to normal in time, and perhaps you’ll find a new, more loving rhythm!

    As soon as you can commit to releasing the fantasy you’re holding on to, the sooner you can make the love, relationship, and all of that real in your life. We all have romantic hopes and dreams, we all suffer disappointments along the way. You are not alone. But it is up to you to take your power back in this situation, and give yourself all the love and soothing you need right now, so that you can attract the kind of love you want into your life. This man is simply a symbol of your desires. Stop looking at him like a prize and start seeing him as a drug. You don’t need that drug anymore. As you treat yourself better and better, it will become so clear to you that you don’t need him.



  41.  #41Sapphire on December 28, 2014 at 7:00 am

    Labbit
    Beautifully put.

    I agree make a list of wonderful things that you can do for yourself and do them. Do take exquiste care of you – give yourself the touch that feels good, the experiences that you want – wrap yourself in loving care for you and things will feel better.

    There is nothing wrong in looking at the qualities that this man represent but instead of comparing your current CD’s to him explore the differences
    If the quality of men your are meeting is not measuring up to your desires find new ways of meeting them.
    Where will better quality men be ? Could you go to classes that interest you (where these men may also be) or interact in social circles etc where you get to meet better quality men. Stretch yourself and explore there are so many places out there to meet people.

    Sapphire xxx



  42.  #42Sophie on December 28, 2014 at 7:48 am

    I love the words to Diva as they resonated with this situation I’m facing. Non-thus-far-action-orientated man crush is my normal, my choice of drug. I see it and I want it. But I DON’T. So I went to a completely different place tonight and trusted that the universe knows better than me what is good for me and met some lovely, interesting people and I felt fulfilled. One is a professional photographer who showed me astonishing photos and has connections for me with my work. Way more self-loving than hanging around with my usual ‘normal’. Now, to keep it going…



  43.  #43Diva on December 28, 2014 at 7:58 am

    Thank you Labbit and Sapphire. Your words are most encouraging.

    After reading your response I realize that he symbolizes professional accomplishment, ambition, charisma, ability to inspire people and engage them to achieve meaningful goals, light heartedness, fun, class and sophistication for me.
    I feel that I lack all these qualities. I am visualizing what if I make my boy energy work towards achieving all these?
    Then even the kind of men I am aiming for might change. Because currently I expect my future partner to have all these…

    I am still unable to realize the extent of freedom and power I will feel given that I am stuck with thinking about this one guy. But let me know if I am on the right track.

    Diva



  44.  #44Sapphire on December 28, 2014 at 8:06 am

    Hello Diva
    Yes we are often attracted to the qualites that we want. Use the qualites in him to model your inner boy on is a wonderful metaphor you can then also have your boy energy to take wonderful care of you.

    My inner man is whom also gives to me when I feel wanting in my relationships.

    Sapphire



  45.  #45Diva on December 28, 2014 at 8:07 am

    Wow Sophie, thanks for sharing this. Let me try and set a context like you did before I step out and really believe that there is something much better for me out there… And trust that my feelings will be a compass..



  46.  #46Kim on December 28, 2014 at 8:26 am

    Well, happy days. MoM has talked to me again, he is totally serious about wanting me to be with him all the time. He wants me to move in, he helped me on his day off to fix up my Condo…all day. He cooks for me, takes me out, took me out on a boat trip….asks me to leave stuff in his apartment so it is easier for me to come and go. I didn’t because I don’t have everything twice…
    Anyway, things feel very different now….much better.
    I don’t take anything for granted and I know things can change again and yada yada yada…but I did cancel my trip to Boston to see the other guy.
    He didn’t call me Christmas or Birthday and it transpired that he had made all these plans with family and friends and I was just going to be in and out of parties and driving around between two States. Didn’t feel worth risking what I have with MoM.
    Besides, I am going to try how it feels being exclusive with a man and watching what comes up without running to the next guy to feel better.
    It will be an interesting journey no doubt…
    I feel excited and a little scared πŸ™‚



  47.  #47Azure Blu on December 28, 2014 at 9:00 am

    Kim #46
    Ohhh… I feel VERY HAPPY for YOU!

    Such a romantic, adventure you and MoM have been on in the last year!!!

    How wonderfully you have navigated all of this…
    Loving you, Expressing your feelings to him…
    Honoring YOUR boundaries!!!

    This totally resonates with me…
    “I am going to try how it feels being exclusive with a man
    and watching what comes up
    without running to the next guy
    to feel better.”
    I have found when I stop CDing and become exclusive..
    I have grown my emotional intimacy muscles.
    for ME it is VERY scary
    BUT Very wonderful too…
    I’m sooo excited to hear about your lovely life together!!!



  48.  #48Mistea1 on December 28, 2014 at 9:02 am

    Labbit and Diva,

    Thank you for this exchange as I am going through the last of mine. It is hard. Now before he leaves on his tour he is playing a lot. Even has a last minute recital tomorrow evening, of course I have to go.

    However, my fingers are a little sore as I am relearning a little Bach Minuet. It gets better and better each time I play it.

    Hopefully Diva, this will get better as we will have to be around each other after the tour too. Let us know how this is going for you. I am CDing and I think this is going to be helpful. It takes my mind off my ‘drug of choice’ for now.



  49.  #49Azure Blu on December 28, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Gemini G., Gear, Beloved, Kim, Sophie, MisTea
    You can’t know how much your enthusiasm and encouragement means to ME!
    Thank YOU!!
    oxoxo



  50.  #50Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 11:05 am

    Kim, that is so awesome! I am so happy for you. You’ve earned it girl. You turned the whole thing around by treating yourself as the prize that you are. You are rocking it girl! So inspiring!!!



  51.  #51Azure Blu on December 28, 2014 at 11:12 am

    this happened a month ago
    a CD from POF who i had spoken with a couple of times on the phone…
    Asked me out but want me to meet him half way…
    Me: I am an old fashioned girl and I feel good when the man meets me in my town for our date.”

    Him: Well, I’m looking for a modern woman and I appreciate it when a woman meets me half way.

    Me: Ohhh… I understand… But that doesn’t work for me. I wish you much luck.
    He tried to convince me to meet him… but I didn’t respond…

    Today He messaged me on POF and said…
    “I made a big mistake, not meeting you in your town for our date… can you forgive me? Am i too late?”

    How sweet, and what courage to tell me that…
    Not sure what I’ll say… In our previous phone conversations he had already started telling me I shouldn’t be sitting around in my sweats while working from home :-0



  52.  #52Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 11:16 am

    I just had a horrible night with my mom. I was out w a friend and dreaded coming back to mom and dads house. I haven’t been getting along with her. As soon as I got back I went to my room and had some wine and read my book. She came in but I told her I wanted to be alone. Then a bit later she came in again! I was so angry and started screaming at her to leave me alone! It was awful. Then I drank a lot more alcohol and accidentally broke a glass when I slammed down on the table. Really awful night. Now I’m hungover, feel like crap, feel humiliated and embarrassed, and don’t want to be here. πŸ™ my mom also left out an article on stds obviously for me to see. And everyone else in my family. So embarrassing. I was so angry I ripped it up. I don’t even really care anymore. I’m so tired of her manipulations and of butting heads with her. I’m just done. I had offered to take her and my dad out for dinner on their wedding anniversay and she said no! I was so upset. So my brother and his family and I ended up going out to dinner and she stayed home alone just to prove her point and be bull headed. I’m still angry about it and can’t let it go!



  53.  #53Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Meanwhile I’m texting with 5 guys right now. One of them canceled for nye cuz he just found out it’s his turn to have his son. So I told the first guy that I’m available for nye and he was ecstatic! I told all the guys about my troubles with my mom and they all want to talk about it! So sweet! Kind of mind blowing since I thought that would be a major turnoff.



  54.  #54Kim on December 28, 2014 at 11:37 am

    Thank you Liquid Light and Azure….I guess the key was really that I was never ‘stuck’ on the man. I always always kept my options open even though he was always very good to me, but his previous non-committal attitude was not good enough to win me…
    Some things still need resolving, we never again talked about the ex issue but at the moment it certainly seems a non-issue. We spend a lot of time together and he is always 100% focused on me. So much so that I can’t help but wonder whether any man can keep this up…and I guess there is still a teeny tiny bit of me feeling I don’t deserve being treated like a princess and being catered to.
    Today, I felt close to him but also I needed ‘me’ time, and after a lovely Christmas week and weekend, which was all about me, I asked him to take me home in the morning…and he said ‘wow, you can’t wait to get rid of me, huh?’ And then, jokingly ‘well, after catering to you all weekend, I do have some chores ro do also, so it’s just as well’.
    I almost got triggered…and then said ‘yes, it felt so good to be catered to’ (lol), now you can cater to yourself and I am going to go and do the same.
    He he. So I am not on a looong beach walk, getting back in touch with ME and my passions. And it feels good and I feel all loved up as well.
    I know we still have to work on this but the basics are easy. We have both been single for almost a decade and are used to catering only to ourselves….and doing our own thing.
    And, to be honest, although we are exclusive, he knows I want to get married eventually, and I am quite firmly of the conviction that if nothing significant happens in that direction in the next few months, be it only discussing it seriously, I am going to dissolve our agrement.
    I will not get stuck on any man and make it convenient for him to not move the relationship forward and work towards my happily ever after. No matter how wonderful he is.
    I have been a serial monogamist for all my life, it is time for me to try something different.
    He knows all this, but the actions have to follow.
    For now, I am happy and appreciative and filled up!



  55.  #55Kim on December 28, 2014 at 11:40 am

    Wow Liquid Light…maybe detach as much as you can mentally from your mother right now…she sounds like a piece of work. I had trouble with both of my parents..moving out helps. Not even feeling messages had me gain access to my father or mother’s approval or love.
    So I just, over a period of years, let them go.
    Recently, my father sent me a birthday present for the first time in years…I was very appreciative and vocal about it.
    Though, I will never again give them power over me and my feelings…..very dysfunctional both (divorced).
    I do not need that as a role model for my life, but I love them anyway.



  56.  #56Mistea1 on December 28, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    Indigo,

    Thanks for the how to on this date tonight. A short time later I got a confirmation email with particulars. So I’m all set. The guy knows what to do. I feel more secure that this will go well.



  57.  #57Azure Blu on December 28, 2014 at 12:16 pm

    Mistea
    yay Siren!!!!
    Wow… great leaning back with this date tonight..

    when I haven’t heard…I am always soooo triggered to
    call or text… with… “I’m feeling confused…
    is there a particular time you were thinking we should meet?”
    which is leaning TOOOO forward and
    VERY controlling and
    NOT letting the man lead!!!
    I am getting better at NOT doing anything…
    and actually I am having many more dates with men
    who always let me know ahead of time…



  58.  #58Azure Blu on December 28, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    ((((Liquid L))))
    Ohhh… NO… this sounds soo upsetting…

    This sounds a lot like my mother…
    when I turned 53 I began to work on my relationship with her (which meant ME changing)
    to try and resolve some of MY issues with relationships and intimacy…

    it has been 10 years and now we have a much better relationship… Now even better with the Rori tools!!
    But I;m sure it would be VERY difficult to LIVE together again…



  59.  #59Azure Blu on December 28, 2014 at 12:23 pm

    Liquid L
    Yay… singing YOUR Siren song
    and the men (all 5 of them) are crashing their boats on your shore!!!
    Lovely, warm, Beautiful you!!



  60.  #60Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    Thanks azure! You are always so encouraging. It’s great! Big smiles girl! πŸ™‚ yeah I think there is a correlation there. Somehow with my mom this time around I feel kinda detached from it. I don’t really care about working on the relationship and trying to make it better. I’ve been doing that for years and nothing has really changed. Honestly I think she really has no respect for me and still treats me like a child. I’m 49. I’m not married no children. I have 3 brothers all married with kids. So I’m the failure. I’m the black sheep. And I think that my mom has never really liked me much. She tolerates me. But puts my brothers up on pedestals. The funny thing is though that I don’t care. I know she sees me this way and it used to make me so upset and now I just don’t care anymore and it feels great! My dad and I have a really good relationship for the most part.



  61.  #61Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    Thanks for your kind words Kim. It’s nice to know I’m not alone with having these problems. I feel like such a monster when I can’t get along with my own mother! And she seems like she is so nice and sweet and she is. But she also does it to manipulate and control. She’s the classic nice woman that rori has pegged. She’s always so nice, never gets upset, never gets angry, is always happy, manages everything, know everything and on and on. I don’t think I’ve seen her cry once. In contrast I’m the raging crazy angry one (by comparison) in my family so she can just write off any of my concerns since I’m crazy anyway. And my brothers are males so don’t express any emotion. Arghhhhh!!!! No wonder I’m a lunatic sometimes!!! Hahahaha



  62.  #62Mistea1 on December 28, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Azure blu 57
    Heh, heh, I don’t think it was leaning back it was more like, ‘ I don’t have a clue!’



  63.  #63Mistea1 on December 28, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    LL 60,

    You might want to try asking your brothers what they think. I remember one summer my brother and I were relaxing out in the backyard and we got into the ‘Mom always liked you best’ discussion. He said, ‘Mom always talked about your kids and how wonderful that was.’

    I replied, ‘Well, Mom always talked about how proud she was that you were a doctor.’ As the truth dawned on us we started to laugh and have been pretty good friends ever since.



  64.  #64Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 1:11 pm

    Kim, I’m not living with my parents just visiting thank gd! And yeah my mom IS a piece of work ! You got that right! Lol!



  65.  #65Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    Azure 51 love it! U stuck to your guns and wouldn’t settle and now he is stepping up! Love it! What a great example for all of us! So cool!!!



  66.  #66Liquid Light on December 28, 2014 at 1:33 pm

    Mistral that’s great that you had such a a great talk with your brother. Probably a testament to your maturity and positive family dynamics. If I were to try to have a conversation like that with my brothers it would quickly devolve into some kind of joke at my expense most likely. We just don’t talk on that level in my family.



  67.  #67Kim on December 28, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    64..Liquid Light, phew..happy to hear you can escape again! That has always been my refuge: escape πŸ˜‰



  68.  #68Mistea1 on December 28, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    LL,66
    Aww, sorry about that. I just thought my brother was little brother and he would always be an annoyance but he’s turned into a good friend.

    Ohh, I like how you wrote Mistral instead of Mistea. A mistral is a strong cold NW wind that blows from S. France into the Mediterranean. It is also a class of French Navy amphibious assault ships. Cool. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with that but something will come up!



  69.  #69Labbit on December 28, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    51 Azure Blu — HA! I love this so, so much. I am not surprised that he came back and I’m thrilled for you that he did. You Sireny Siren, you. Also I am delighted by your tale in 15, even though I realize that dis-inviting SpiritCD is probably not the outcome you wanted. As my best friend says, sometimes you just need to give men a good shake to snap them out of it and wake them up. You’ll reap the benefits of this in time. You are teaching him how to treat you right now, how to fill his masculine role. And even though you don’t think he’s your Forever Man he may surprise you…you’ll both be better off for this.



  70.  #70Labbit on December 28, 2014 at 3:46 pm

    46 Kim — This is amazing! I feel very happy reading this, happy that MoM is really stepping up and giving you the full courtship experience. It sounds delightful. I don’t think I was here yet when you two first started dating but it’s obviously bearing delicious fruit now!



  71.  #71Kim on December 28, 2014 at 4:35 pm

    Labbit..I dumped him three times for various blunders, including him not honoring a romantic weekend we had planned and picking me up from walking the whole of the Florida Keys solo, because he was feeding his ex’s cats….and said he had to honor that commitment over ours, upon which I dumped him immediately..lol…and a couple of other times when I got so triggered by something he did/didn’t do that I just called it off.
    All of which was exclusively in the category ‘clueless’ and not ‘toxic’ but I just didn’t have the want/need to even train a clueless man..so I gave him the boot.
    I can be very impulsive.
    We were only dating, so for me it was fair game and there were plenty of others in the wings…he always somehow came back, once I initiated but it was because I had to ask him something and he always picked up the ball again.
    He never dated anyone else during the whole time…I can’t even count the guys I dated in the 1 1/2 years, a couple of more serious lovers…lol. I had fun.
    I honestly don’t know if he is my forever man, but I am hard pushed to think of anyone who has treated me better, especially in a good phase, and it has been good for a while now. Plus he has now claimed me, not with a ring but with a practical step of moving together and saying he does want to get married in the future and for me that is enough right now….fo now.
    I am open to everything, and I am not putting my life into the hands of another human…I can leave if it makes me unhappy and therefore I feel calm.



  72.  #72Gear on December 28, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    Kim 71, that sounds amazing. You were strong inside…if I were you, I would have had a hard time to take him back, once I breakup. Obviously you did the right thing by forgiving him and taken him back. How did that evolve? What feelings were you experiencing and what drove you made the decision?



  73.  #73Kim on December 28, 2014 at 8:08 pm

    72 Gear, I did have a hard time…but I am also impulsive and make rash decisions that others would probably think over a little..to be honest. Has always been a bit of a liability for me. I also walked away from jobs and even countries on a whim, an impulse, a feeling….I can be extreme.
    Well, he was always back and wanting to work things out….and I was dating and dating and kept giving him a chance because I had fun with him and it felt good..so the moments strung together and the positive far outweighed the negative. Also, I only feel committed now because he has made a concrete plan for our future, which is moving in and buying a place in October…without that, I would definitely still be CDing other men…
    It was the gane changer for me.
    And what has astonished me is that in the instant I felt committed to at least try the exclusive thing for a period of time, he kinda noticed the shift in me and is waaaaay more communicative, loving and eager to please and build more on our future.
    I feel quite surprised, as I expected the opposite actually.



  74.  #74Kim on December 28, 2014 at 8:13 pm

    One sentence he said made me think how a man might feel when we keep our options open forever..lol..he said:
    ‘For you this is all just fun and games, we date, we go on trips and we have fun, it’s just a jolly for you and for me this is a serious monogamous relationship. Meanwhile you have dinner with other guys. What am I supposed to think, if I asked you to marry me I would not even know whether you would say yes’.
    Ok a few sentences….
    He does have a point.
    Though I am still keeping my options a little open..lol… πŸ˜‰
    I really believe for me it is all serious when I am engaged/married…and that is just my personal view.



  75.  #75Maggie0008 on December 28, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    Hi everyone,

    First time posting here. Have listened to all of Rory’s programs and trying to put them into practice. Need some feedback!

    I’m dating again someone that broke off with me after 7 months of dating. He said he was not “in love”. I did not ever contact him again and after 7 weeks he came back. We’ve been slowly rekindling our relationship. I realized that our initial issue was that I never made myself vulnerable with him before. We talked about how we needed better communication this time around. This weekend he has been my dream boyfriend. All the issues we talked about before having been addressed. I’m in cloud 9.

    So in trying to implement the “positive feedback” principle I sent him this message:

    “This was a lovely weekend, I enjoyed the time we spent together. Hope you have a good night”

    His response “Likewise”.

    Did I lean too forward? I feel that his response was somewhat cold. How could I have phrased this better? Or is this my nasty voice trying to hold me back?



  76.  #76Indigo on December 28, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Kim,

    You are really an inspiration!

    I have followed your story for a while now, and particularly in the last 6 months or so I have been impressed by your clarity in knowing what you want, and not settling for less. It has inspired me.

    I have always known what I wanted, I think, but only recently have I begun really getting clear on that in the sense of standing up for it, not settling for less, clearing away the detritus of what I don’t want.

    I loved what you said about MoM’s non-committal attitude not being good enough for you. It’s not good enough for any woman, I’m really coming to see that. If you settle for casual or undefined, then that is what you will get. I let D get away with non-committal behavior for far too long, and although I had my reasons at the time, it just doesn’t remotely cut it for me any more.

    Thank you for coming on and telling us your story… as I said, I feel inspired!



  77.  #77Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 3:59 am

    Dear Sirens,
    Marry Christmas to everyobe and best wishes!
    I was away for a while, and I had a wonderful time with my F. He is moving in the right direction VERY SLOWLY. He does take a step sideways once in a while (no backwards yet). I am doing my best to not lean forward, even though, I did lean forward a bit a few times (I guess this caused his immediate sideways moves). I am still not perfect at leaning back, but I am improving for sure. The very big change in me is actually not the leaning back, but more the fact that I am learning/have learnt to trust him. To trust he will do the best for us, will initiate, will plan, will do things. I have learnt/am still learning to accept that he is a slow thinker, and not a very good planner. This is just who he is, and he does not do it to upset me, this is just his own limiations. On the positive, he is extremely sweet, kind, loving, never criticizes me, never judges me, and showers me with compliments. What I am still working on (struggling with) is to let him do things at his own speed and not try to fast forward him. I know from experience he will resist that big time, in his own passive aggressive way. He told me I am the love of his life… And my fast forward desire screams in my head “so what are you going to do about it to have me only for yourself?”. But I take a breath, count to ten, look in his beatiful eyes and just say “you are the love of my life too”. I am delighted at what he said, and I unzip my heart, and melt in his arms. But deep inside me, the NV sais that I am not 100% sure that he is. And the NV says, he is not sure either, if he were, he would be doing so and so, and if he isn’t then this is just a spur of the moment thing, and it means NOTHING. It is just his brain is drowned in the happyness hormones and this is no big deal… And my NV wants to probe deeper, and to ask him, what does it mean that I am the love of his life, what’s next.
    Thank you so much for those of you who helped me see that I need to just hold the little bird in my hands and love holding it and looking at it and not clutch it and try to force feed it. I am learning to let things develop at whatever speed he chooses, and I trust he will do the right thing, and I will do the right thing to, and that by being slow and unforces we just can’t go wrong. This is such a relief.



  78.  #78Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 4:45 am

    Victoria,
    Wow, you sure made good use of your holiday time. A well deserved congratulations to you. Yea, you!!



  79.  #79Kim on December 29, 2014 at 4:47 am

    Aw, Indigo, thank you – it means a lot to me.
    I can’t say it has been an easy journey and I don’t think the journey is over, or will ever be over, but the ingredients are right….you know?
    I spent years waiting for men to come round, and I have to say that even under the guise of loving them, it just makes no sense. If they love us back and are able to do relationship, great, if not: most likely they will never be.
    I felt unsure whether MoM was clueless or unable to do relationship for a loooong time, and luckily, I never let myself fall in love with him so much that I didn’t keep my options open…it was not a painful path an I did not sit at home crafting out feeling messages for days on end wondering what I did wrong, like I did with a couple of guys.
    I didn’t need to lean back artificially because I just didn’t care that much.
    For me that was the key…and I had a brief interlude with a guy where I almost fell back into old patterns, found it hard to lean back, was chemically so attracted…and ugh!!!! I finished it when I realized it would not work for me, and I would only get crumbs.
    I guess it’s a testament that it is possible to fall in love with a good man even if you are not straight away head over heels….if he can give you what you need..it inspired a lot of feelings in me…not getting crumbs and feeling loved and cherished..I feel safe…it’s got another kind of excitement.
    Who knows what will happen…but it is nice to know this can happen with a man… πŸ™‚
    It will happen for you too, it seems to me you are on a great journey also. No offense to D, but he had ample time to claim you, ample time to change if he wanted to – and it doesn’t look like his focus is on making you happy. Or on having a committed relationship…and if that is the case, no amount of lean-back or serenity is going to fix it…sad but he will make space for a great guy, if you let him go.
    xoxo



  80.  #80Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 4:55 am

    Victoria, 76,

    Just an update from me re: MusicTd. I wrote a feeling letter b/c he overstepped a boundary. He asked for a meeting. It was blunt and the gloves came off. I matched him point for point. It’s a wonder the building didn’t explode. I feel good.



  81.  #81Waterfall on December 29, 2014 at 5:01 am

    Hey Sirens!

    Seasons Greetings!

    I have been reading theblog but I haven’t felt like writing anything lately.

    @ Kim – I feel so buoyed up reading your news! You sound so happy and, well, er..spunky!! I’m glad MOM has stepped up and as usual you are taking it in your stride. You are an inspiration!!

    @ Azure – Wow! Is all I can say! It myst have taken all your nerve to turn down SpiritCD. Again, a true inspiration.

    I always feel so connected to both of you when you write. You share so much & so well….



  82.  #82Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 5:02 am

    Mistea,
    What boundary did he overstep?



  83.  #83Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 5:13 am

    The bullying threatening one.



  84.  #84Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 5:19 am

    Mistea,
    But what exactly did he do? How did he threaten you? I must have missed this big time.



  85.  #85Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 5:37 am

    Mistea,
    Your story with MusicTD reminds me of a story of mine, which is very very old… Back in highschool, on the first day at a new school, I met and fell in love with a boy… He was taller than anybody else, blond with the most beautiful blue eyes. I fell in love with him based on his looks completely, but I was 14, so, what can you say. It turned up in the next few weeks that he is a real jerk. He had major problems with discipline, was rude to everyone, and was on the verge of being kicked out of school. I was of course, the exact opposite, the chairman of the class, straight As, etc. I was also very much in love, and, I found out, in the course of the year, that most girls in our class (possibly in the school) were too. This is what being a bad boy does to good girls :-). That is why I wrote to you some time ago, that short temper and big ego are not unattractive to women, quite the opposite. Somehow, I came to this realization at a very yound age. I tried to date him for a while and it did not work out well.
    And then I watched, in the course of the next 10-15 years, two of my high-school friends tried to date him too and both fell miserably… I was very jealous both times… Especially with the second girl, who was a close friend of mine, and knew he was my highschool crush, when she developed a friendship with him in our late 30s, I was so jealous. And then she admitted she was in love with him but he treated her just as a friend and broke her heart, and I was (shame shame on me) both happy that it did not work out for her with him, and jealoust that she has at least the privilige to be his friend, whereas I had zero contact with him… I do not have a particular point for you, just to let you know that your story opens up these memories for me… I am not even sure what it means. May be, that some men just can not do relationships, no matter what… Or that we totally do not know what they want and how they function?



  86.  #86Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 5:39 am

    Victoria,

    How to explain. I have a large inner awareness and some people like to see if they can affect this I guess. I’m mostly living my life. There have been a number of incidences that I haven’t commented on here. This last one was more overt and I was afraid if left unaddressed it might become physical in the future. I really don’t want to say any more about it.

    I like the music, I like the community here and am developing friends here. I’m resurecting my own practice so I can express beauty too. I am committed to being an expression of love and beauty.

    Our talk, on the surface was quite civiilzed. I got my points across without blaming. The rest was quite private and off limits. I feel good. Thanks.



  87.  #87Kim on December 29, 2014 at 5:50 am

    Waterfall..hellooooooo and thank you!!
    How is it going with you?
    I do this too, btw, reading and not writing for phases…I go in and out but for me always a great place to come back to and realize where I was, where I am, and where I want to be. There is a lot of learning going on here!!
    xoxo



  88.  #88Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 5:52 am

    Mistea,
    I hope you don’t mind the intrusion. I am sure you have very good reasons to feel he was rude/bulling you.
    My highschool crush, he had a problem with authorities, and just liked to challenge the status quo. I was the obvious target for attack for him, being the model student, and in the fist month of school he came up with a nasty nick name for me. And, as it happens in schools, it was spreading, and I was so miserable. So so miserable. Then he stopped doing it all of a sudden. I found out, years later, that a relative of mine went and talked to him, and told him that if he would not stop, the matter will be brought up to the head master, and, as the guy was on the verge of being kicked out, he took it to heart. Or, who knows, he may be just realized he was too cruel to me…



  89.  #89Indigo on December 29, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Sirens,

    I would like to get your impressions/thoughts for a friend of mine please. She described this scenario to me and, as usual, I was reserved in my feedback, but in my mind I was thinking “let me take this to the Sirens and see what they think about it!”

    She has been seeing a guy a few weeks, they are not exclusive, in fact it does not seem as if he’s taken her on specific dates as such. It seems like they hooked up one night at a club and she has been hanging out at his house on weekends, watching movies and such. There was a 3 or 4 week period when they didn’t see each other and he kind of kept in contact, with her also initiating contact. Recently she contacted him (seems like she has been doing so much leaning forward recently) and then he said they could arrange something for this weekend “if she liked”. She proceeded to ask him if she could spend 3 nights at his house, and he said she was welcome to come around as long as she understood that he couldn’t entertain her for that entire time. She likes this guy and told me this story… like I said, I certainly have my thoughts on the matter but I was reserved in my feedback. What do you guys think?



  90.  #90Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 6:06 am

    Victoria
    Thanks for the story about your high school days. I never had that experience in high school. Now however, it started out with me feeling like I was in high school! Guess I had to go through it sometime.

    Tonight he is giving an impromptu recital previewing his European concert tour. A bunch of us ‘groupies’ are going to it and I’ll swoon along with the rest of them!!



  91.  #91Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 6:17 am

    Mistea,
    Maybe he is mildly autistic? I am reading now this book about an autistic child who grows up to me a mathematical genius…
    The thing is, is he is giving concerts, etc, he has a strong need to share his performance with others. And, playing his instrument is the way he connects to people. Maybe this is the only way he can do it?



  92.  #92Kim on December 29, 2014 at 6:28 am

    wow Indigo, tough.
    This is so icky to read. Of course, it feels all wrong and the wrong way around and waaaaayyyy too much leaning forward.
    However, I have recently made the discovery that whatever you say might fall on deaf ears in such extreme cases…of..neediness (?)
    I have a friend that I have written about before, very needy, very negative, incredibly lean-forward with men…and latching onto any guy paying her a bit of attention. Of course it NEVER works out and then she hates all men etc. The usual.
    I have directed her countless times to Rori….I have talked to her, advised her to lean back to see what the men are made of etc. No change, same negativity because she makes all men run.
    Fine.
    Now, she met someone, that she knew from childhood..they had two dates (2), and she said she is sure she will grow old with this man. He doesn’t live anywhere near here. I just said ‘wow, I am happy for you’…because I just refuse to spend any more energy on this nonsense lol.
    I now believe everyone needs to find their own way, and if she asks genuinely for my advice, maybe. Maybe.
    Ironically, she had a go at me because she thinks I should not be dating a man unless I am totally and completely in love with him (and run after him presumably)….and how my relationship could never work because I spend too much time just ‘having fun’ as opposed to sending him to a jewelry store.
    I gave up.
    πŸ™‚



  93.  #93Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 6:31 am

    Indigo,
    This seems to me like the way my relationships usually start, except for inviting myself to men’s houses :-). As a general comment, I think it is very good when you have friendship before romance.
    Did she ask for particular advice? It seems to me she is happy and knows what she’s doing?
    I tried giving advice to friend of mine when I thought she was making a huge mistake with a man. He had invited her to his house, and insisted that she goes without her cat (and that would mean she’d most likely have to had to spend the night there, without her knowing what is the status between them). I told her not to go without her car, and so she went with her car, and then when he asked why, she said, well, because this good friend of mine told me to… And of course she ended up spending the night in his bed. So, my personal experience is, that by the time a friend of your asks you is it too early to sleep with a man, it is already too late to dissuade her, and in her mind she has already made the decision and she is looking for your blessing rather than advice… So the question is, how do you not give her your blessing in a way which is still nice and loving, and not estrange you from her.



  94.  #94Kim on December 29, 2014 at 6:32 am

    So in short, unless someone asks me outright for advice on how to deal with a situation, I am not going there again…because I feel frustrated when it gets completely ignored and I am always dealing with the negativity and bad karma resulting from this *odd* approach to dating and men.
    I just can’t relate to it at all and wasn’t even like this before Rori…I believe there are other issues that need addressing that have nothing to do with the men/dating…



  95.  #95Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 6:33 am

    I mean car, not cat, now how hillarious is that!



  96.  #96Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Kim,
    amazing how we gave pretty much the same comment. LOL.



  97.  #97Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 6:50 am

    Victoria 87,

    Aww, high school stuff can be so hurtful. I’m glad you had a relative who helped you.

    Here is a story I got from a dream I had.
    The Bat and the Light
    What happened when the Bat and the Light became curious about each other. The light beamed her warm good light steadily day and night.

    One day as she beamed away she saw the vast community of bats just under the eaves of the cave. She saw them all snuggled up to each other sleeping and waiting for nightfall. She withdrew a little as she saw one of the bats struggling to open his eyes to see what the disturbance was.

    The Light became wistful as she thought of the cozy community that filled the cave. She felt curious about the Bat and especially so when she saw the large dark glistening eyes that seemed to look at her so soulfully.

    The Bat who peered out from under the eaves saw a golden glow shimmering warmly in front of him. It seemed to beckon him, enticing him to leave his fellow bats company.

    The Light beamed her goodness steadily. Sparkles of rainbow colored light shone from her eyes and flowed directly from her heart. The Bat moved away from his fellows letting the sparkles of Light transform him for a time into a handsome companion for the Light.

    Oh, they made beautiful music together. The music bypassed the intellect and went straight to the heart of the Light. The Light shined her goodness over all. The Bat struggled to keep his “Battiness”. Let the Bat use music as a weapon. Let the Bat make agreements that he doesn’t keep. It is of no difference to the Light. The Light can’t change her heart essence. She shines goodness, love and beauty over all, those with her and those against her. They are all the same to her.

    As night approached, the Bat changed back to his essence for the time being. The Bat had to spend some time as a Bat. The Bat was able to change only by the influence of the steadiness of the Light.

    Upon awakening, the dreamer laughed with much gusto. Ha,,,, ha,,,,,ha, ha, ahhhhh.

    I’m still working on this.



  98.  #98Kim on December 29, 2014 at 6:53 am

    Victoria LOL… πŸ™‚



  99.  #99Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Victoria 90

    No, definitely not. Don’t want to trigger me by getting into it.



  100.  #100Indigo on December 29, 2014 at 9:01 am

    Kim 91 & 93,

    Couldn’t agree with you more. This is why I am always reserved in my feedback whenever a friend tells me their dating experiences. Even before Rori and finding this place I have never been that needy and desperate, and I just think there is such a vast difference between being single because it’s what you have chosen and because you are being conscious about the men you get close to, and being single because you throw yourself into a relationship right off the bat without even waiting to see what effort the guy will make. For me, the sense I got from what she told me, and other Sirens can tell me if they agree with me here, is that this is a guy who is incredibly nonchalant, almost indifferent about a relationship, a kind of “take it or leave it” attitude. It baffles me when women don’t stop to turn the dynamic around and wonder why they are the only one coming forward.

    Victoria 92,

    If this were purely a friendship between her and this guy, I’d have no problem with it. But I can clearly see, just like Kim’s friend, that this “relationship” between my friend and this guy is never going to last. I agree there is no point trying to dissuade her… if she would lean forward this much in the first place nothing I say will make much difference I think…



  101.  #101Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 9:10 am

    Indigo,
    Thank you so much for sharing this story!
    It is a great learning experience for all of us here. The way I see now my interactions with friends who need validation is to do my best to be non-judgemental ( hard for me!) and offer love and sympathy ( hard too when they act stupid). How have you been?
    L



  102.  #102Labbit on December 29, 2014 at 9:29 am

    88 Indigo,

    I groaned reading about your friend’s predicament, because this totally used to be me. I don’t know what your friend’s background is…but for me, I had the same boyfriend all through high school, then the a guy through most of college who I got engaged to, then a guy who I met shortly before graduating college and dated for almost 10 years and was engaged to.

    When I broke up with the last guy, I felt so free but was totally unprepared for the dating world. I had the dating skills of a 16-year-old, if that. Add to that my family background, where my Dad is very much the King of the house and my Mom lovingly caters to his every whim, with my Brother Crown Prince heir to the throne. My sisters and I noticed it as kids but I never understood the dynamics until recently. And I say all this with love, I’m blessed with a close-knit family so there’s no animosity here. But growing up I learned day after day that women take care of the men. I thought all relationships worked this way. In fact, my high school relationship had always felt WEIRD to me because the dynamic was the other way around (and the way it should be!) with him leading and nurturing me, and me just being and receiving.

    So everything you describe in your story is exactly how I acted with the first few (OK, several) guys I dated post-breakup because I thought it was how girls are supposed to act in relationships. Driving to see him, cooking him meals, hanging out like a couple…I had NO IDEA that any of this was selling myself short or being a doormat. And when those ‘relationships’ inevitably ended because the guy got sick of me, I had no clue why. Yes, I really was that naive. It was endlessly frustrating, heartbreaking, and killed my self-esteem. I had no idea what was wrong with me but I thought whatever the problem was it was clearly awful and I was clearly awful too.

    I feel a lot of compassion for her because my guess is she doesn’t know what she’s doing either. She’s probably clueless like I was. So if you do broach the subject with her, you have to do with a ton of TLC. You’re going to shake her world up and even if you do get your point across it’s going to be SO OUTSIDE the dynamics she knows, understands and is used to that she might not be able to process what you say. Not that it would fall on deaf ears…she just would not ‘get’ it.

    If you do choose to broach the subject, I would start by asking her how she feels after she spends time with him. Try to open a dialogue. If she can already pinpoint herself that she feels bad after seeing him, even if she doesn’t know why, that’s a good opening for her to begin to see the light. If she does say she feels bad after seeing him…you can ask her if she’s ever wondered why she’s felt this way, and if she’d like to talk about it. And then I’d go gently from there.

    Chances are, she’s going to have make the mistake a few more times before a fire is lit under her butt to seek out the answers. I know it took some hard whacks before I started looking. Much love to her, and to you.



  103.  #103Kim on December 29, 2014 at 9:34 am

    99 Indigo and 100 Victoria, couldn’t agree more.
    Though, sometimes I really do have to bite my tongue…like the other day, when this lady accepted an invite from a guy to his house as a first date….and then moaned for two days, when it turned out he had a girlfriend also, and basically just wanted to get laid.
    I couldn’t help but blurt out: ‘well, that was to be expected’….I really have to bite my tongue sometimes.
    It is baffling to me, truly, how women who have it so together with career, intelligence, daily life, can be so clueless when it comes to dating..I do find it difficult to be non-judgmental but more and more these days it feels better to just keep it zipped lol.



  104.  #104Kim on December 29, 2014 at 9:35 am

    ….and obviously, I have been clueless also…and probably will be again, so: peace



  105.  #105Kim on December 29, 2014 at 9:38 am

    Labbit, I grew up like this too….which is why I made all these mistakes when in the relationship, overfunctioning and giving too much, but interestingly not quite so much in the dating phase. Although…sigh..probably there too..



  106.  #106Mistea1 on December 29, 2014 at 9:41 am

    Re; 96,
    Eckhart Tolle just posted a quote that I like. “Neither failure or success has the power to change your inner state of being.” That’s my aim.



  107.  #107Labbit on December 29, 2014 at 9:47 am

    Indigo one more thought, perhaps the best thing you can do for her is just be a listening ear. For a year, maybe more, I talked my friends’ ears off about my issues with men as I spiraled further and further down into the abyss…burning through men in weeks…falling in puppy love with each of them…completely clueless as to why none of my chances were working out. And god bless them, they tried to help me. They were on the other side and could see so clearly what I could not.

    But even though I knew something was wrong, that everyone else knew something I didn’t or had a tool I was missing, I could not figure it out for nearly two years. I could not understand how to turn things around. I fell very, very far into a black hole. I feel really sad just thinking about it…it was a painful time for me. I experienced some things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I’m amazed my friends stood by me through it all. They must have been so sick of hearing about them all, so frustrated of telling me the same good advice over and over and it smashing against the brick wall inside my head, haha. But they did, they stuck by me through all of it and today we’re all closer than ever.

    So that’s really the best gift you can give to her, your support. You will tire of the repeated conversations at some point and want a break I’m sure. But for her to have a shoulder to lean on will be the greatest gift when she does get back up on her feet and eventually tops her mountain. πŸ™‚



  108.  #108Labbit on December 29, 2014 at 9:48 am

    104 Kim — Yeah, I’m sure we all have family dynamics that come into play somehow, right? πŸ™‚ Either trying to be just like or parents or not like them at all, until we realize they just did the best they could with what they had and what they knew, just like we do.



  109.  #109Labbit on December 29, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Oops, just like *our* parents



  110.  #110Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Oh boy my date for nye just suggested we do an overnight for nye because of the distance involved and because of not wanting to drnk n drive. Ughh.



  111.  #111Labbit on December 29, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Liquid Light — Do you live in a place where there are car services available? TenderCD and I set one up for NYE so we can drink to our hearts’ content and still get home safely. πŸ™‚ Perhaps you can suggest that.



  112.  #112Kim on December 29, 2014 at 10:14 am

    107 Labbit..that hits the nail on the head πŸ™‚



  113.  #113Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 10:19 am

    Labbit yes that is a great idea! Thanks!!! Ps I don’t think his motivation was to get me in bed so relieved about that.



  114.  #114Indigo on December 29, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Victoria 100,

    I am throwing all my energy into doing enjoyable, caring things for myself – whether that be a chat with my mom, a drink with a friend, treating myself to movies with popcorn, bubble baths, chocolate, long walks, you name it…

    I’m on holiday and not even thinking about getting romantically involved with someone at the moment. I need to go through my process and just feel all my feelings and take as long as I need to take. There’s a heavy feeling on me, a sadness, but I am really being good to me.



  115.  #115Indigo on December 29, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Labbit 101 & 106,

    Thank you for your compassionate response – I really enjoyed reading about your experiences, and of course I related to them a lot as well.

    I feel touched by your opening up about the dark time in your life – as I read it, it took me back to my own very dark time about 12 years ago. I feel so much compassion for the girl I was then. I feel so proud of how far you’ve come, and how far I’ve come πŸ™‚

    I agree – compassion is the way to go here with my friend. I too have had people who have patiently listened to me go on and on, and they have loved and supported me through it all. It is frustrating though – I kinda want to shake women like that!



  116.  #116Indigo on December 29, 2014 at 10:31 am

    Kim 102,

    Re: going to a guy’s house as a first date. I remember when I was in high school, and university, before cellphones became popular, before social media and instant messaging, going to a guy’s house as a first date was just unheard of for me. A guy would call you, and he’d save up his money and come and fetch you and take you somewhere. When I got out of my marriage however, dating was a whole new world.

    I’ve had to re-learn all of this stuff that a guy asking you to come “hang out” at his house is not an acceptable date, or that text messages saying “hey” are not an acceptable form of communication. In some ways I don’t blame women for being taken in by all of this nonsense… but like you said, Labbit, the clue is in how you feel afterwards.



  117.  #117Labbit on December 29, 2014 at 10:47 am

    112 Liquid Light – Hee. Well even if he did there’s no shame in that. When they first meet us men want to get us into bed as soon as possible, it’s primal for them. We’re thinking clearly and they’re not. After sex that tends to flip. When I was actively CD’ing and meeting tons of men, I like to play a little game where I mentally added “in bed” to everything a man would say to me.

    “I’d like to get you know better.” “…in bed.”
    “I’d like to see you again.” “…in bed.”
    “You are so hot.” “…in bed.”
    “Maybe I could take you out for a drink sometime?” “…in bed.”

    And so on. It was hilarious and helped me keep my sense of humor throughout the process. I’m not going to get upset at a man who wants to take me to bed. OF COURSE he wants to take me to bed. I’m just not going to let him do that until I’m quite confident he deserves the pleasure of my intimate company. And the application process is fierce!



  118.  #118Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 10:50 am

    I need some help here ladies. My date for nye is coming on really strong. He texts me constantly and wants to talk. I’ve been avoiding it because I hardly know him (we met once at a mixer) and I get really awkward talking to someone I hardly know. He’s seems really excited about me …too much so. Whenever someone comes on really strong like this it makes me uncomfortable and I start turning off. Besides I don’t take him seriously as a contender because he’s too old for me (he’s 64 and I’m 49) and lives too far away. I’m starting to feel guilty that I’m leading him on. Help!! What am I doing wrong here? Any suggestions?



  119.  #119Labbit on December 29, 2014 at 10:51 am

    114 Indigo — Haha, yes now being on the other side I completely understand the urge, and I’m also blushing because man I kind of wish someone had slapped me across the face or thrown a bucket of cold water on me to wake me up, to shake out of it! It’s like speaking a foreign language…at first, nothing really makes sense and it’s all gibberish. You make lots of mistakes and wonder how anyone could possibly speak this crazy language. Then slowly it all starts to come together and then before you know it you’re speaking fluently and wondering how you ever thought it was so hard.

    Or something like that.



  120.  #120Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 11:12 am

    Labbit 116 lol! Thanks that does make me feel better! There’s another guy who’s been trying to get me home alone and it’s been making me angry and feeling disrespected. We’ve only been out once. But after reading your post I guess it is just their standard practice lol and I should probably try to lighten up about it. Thanks again!!!



  121.  #121Azure Blu on December 29, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Liquid L. #118
    something like this?
    Great time to practice feeling messages and sharing your boundaries.
    “When someone comes on strong like this. I feel uncomfortable and a little turned off”
    “What do You think?”

    “”
    “I feel very happy about the plans you made for us and spending NYE with you. I want to just have fun and have a relaxed, friendly time together.”



  122.  #122Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 11:36 am

    OMG he just made reservations! We r going to the cutest restaurant with live music. The place looks amazing with incredible chef and it is on my side of the tracks!



  123.  #123Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    What do you all think about dating someone that much older? My ideal age is someone 50-56 or 57. 64 seems way too old for me but he’s good looking and fit, still works which I like.



  124.  #124Victoria on December 29, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Ll,
    If you find him attractive phisically his actual age is no big deal imo.



  125.  #125Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 1:56 pm

    Omg when I don’t text him back right away he calls me cuz he’s worried something is wrong! OMG Red flag?



  126.  #126Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Yikes azure 120 for some reason that feels kinda scary to me



  127.  #127Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Azure, u got the ball rolling thank you. Maybe something like…
    I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now. Can we just try to keep things light and fun?

    Or does that sound too critical?



  128.  #128Liquid Light on December 29, 2014 at 7:19 pm

    I know u all are probably getting really sick of me here. I’m sorry I’ve been bombarding the blog. I’ve had a migraine today so have been caged up inside today and really bored. Anyway I’d like to get some feedback on this dilemma if possible.

    I am on with Andy for nye and I’m really looking forward to it. He seems really excited too. Here’s the dilemma before I accepted had made plans for nye we had madde plans for the following Saturday. (Previously I had accepted but then declined his offer for nye.) he was really disappointed but then threw out sat to get together which I accepted. In the meantime my other plans for nye got canceled so then I accepted Andy’s invite for nye. The dilemma is that the guy who canceled for nye really wants to get together and of course wants to get together on you guessed it Saturday night. I’d like to as well and he’s got a fun date in mind. My feeling is that since Andy and i are going out on nye afterall then I’m less enthused about seeing him again on sat. And the fact that we are going out on nye makes Saturday date less critical. But I’m sure he will be disappointed if I cancel and now I’m feeling guilty about it and a bit trapped. I don’t want to upset him and I don’t want it to taint nye which I am really excited about. See the dilemma? Any thoughts?



  129.  #129Gear on December 29, 2014 at 7:48 pm

    73,74,78, Kim, thank you for sharing. I see you really understood what I was asking, I feel so moved by what you shared. Very genuine, real, and vulnerable, such a good lesson for me…

    Happy for your journey…
    Xo



  130.  #130Gear on December 29, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    LL, 127, having migraine heache doesn’t really help to think or feel clearly, doesn’t it? πŸ™‚ I was so sick last few days, especially Saturday. And I felt so low. I can understand you are probably so perplexed, and felt like the end of the world, like no way forward, no way backward…

    Maybe just let it go, leave it wherever it is, (I know it’s hard to do) focus on getting some sleep, and resting, until you feel better in your body?

    Peace and sound sleep. Let tomorrow worry itself.
    I would just write down what I am feeling and validate my feelings, embrace myself, deeply in love with and accepting myself…wherever my feelings are…

    Actually I am in the mist of several things while recovering from the cold, I just want to have a good sleep, while embrace myself and love myself…

    Xo



  131.  #131Beloved on December 29, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Liquid Light – my feeling is, I wouldn’t feel too thrilled about cancelling a date to make time for someone who already cancelled on me, especially for nye.



  132.  #132Indigo on December 29, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    Liquid Light,

    I agree with Gear, sleep on it and don’t feel too much pressure to make a decision right away. Give yourself a bit of time to think clearly until you know what you want, and then communicate that to each man – again, I sense a lot of guilt and “shoulding” yourself here, which is completely unnecessary. If you don’t feel comfortable replying to Andy’s texts right away, DON’T, and don’t let him pressure you.

    That said, I kinda agree with Beloved too… if it were a toss-up between the two, I would come down on the side of the guy who didn’t cancel on me.



  133.  #133Liquid Light on December 30, 2014 at 7:18 am

    Thanks for the feedback ladies. I should have clarified – he actually didn’t cancel on me. It turns out itfs his year to have his son on nye so he invited me to spend it with he and his son. (Originally he had invited me out to dinner.) so he didn’t cancel on me but I turned his offer down as I wasn’t comfortable with that. Anyway I decided to accept for Saturday with him and feel good about thAt. I really wouldn’t have felt comfortable seeing Andy again so soon especially after such an intense nye daTe. Too much pressure. I’ve already told Andy and he’s ok with it. Yay!



  134.  #134Labbit on December 30, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Liquid Light, I think you are doing great! πŸ™‚ Hooray for all your fun plans this week!!



  135.  #135Liquid Light on December 30, 2014 at 9:54 am

    Thanks Labbit! It does feel fun. I can’t wait to get back home and have fun. The last few days here with parents have been such a drag. My migraine was an obvious manifestation of that. Ugh. It was awful.

    But I’m excited about my date on nye and on Saturday. Oh yeah I also have another date on New Year’s Day but that’s a first meeting so a bit of a crap shoot.

    Date on Saturday, I’ll call him James, is with someone I’ve turned down multiple times. Mostly because of my unease w his aggressiveness. But he’s hung in there and has kept asking me out despite that. So maybe it is more to it than him trying to just getting laid. Hats off to you Labbit on your wise words regarding that! πŸ™‚



  136.  #136Gear on December 30, 2014 at 11:14 am

    B has asked me a couple of times to spend NYE with him. I turned it down. I just don’t feel like spending NYE with him. Not physically attracted to him at all, nor feel strong connection. Maybe I am not receptive…? Not staying in my feminine energy?

    Another friend invited me and his guy/gal friends to a public place to celebrate NYE. I could join them, but I had invited him and some his friends to my home for dinner party on nyd. So I don’t feel keen to see him on both days;

    I wanted to go to a dance party, but I don’t know anybody there. I might be alone there for NYE. Plus I would have to have NYE dinner alone…

    I am feeling confused of what I want exactly. Doubting myself for a moment…