Free RRRCT Teleclass On December 15th – Be a Rori Raye Trained Coach

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tiltheadAsk Me How RRRCT Can Help You Be A Professional, Successful Rori Raye Trained Relationship Coach…

If you’re considering enrolling in RRRCT – the Fundamentals for 2015, learning how to help women in their love lives exactly the way I do and get personally mentored by me as a professional coach – you likely have lots of questions about how it works.

And not just how RRRCT works – but how it will work for YOU!

And so I’ll do a Q & A teleclass on Monday, December 15th, TWICE! – at 11am and 5:30 PST – to answer your questions –

1. To listen in by phone or Skype:

Phone Number to Dial: (425) 440-5100
Backup Number: (323) 476-3997
Conf ID: 269386#

You can also try these Local & International Numbers:
http://instantteleseminar.com/local/

2. Or go to this webpage to listen and write questions to me in real time:

http://www.coachrori.com/welcome-to-the-rrrct-free-teleclass/

If you’re not sure if you’re interested in being a professional coach, but would like to learn (or just listen in on) how RRRCT coach training and business mentoring work, I’d be happy to have you on the call.

If you’d like to just read about how RRRCT works, what it (and my teaching and mentoring) will do for you, and learn how you can be a practicing Rori Raye Relationship Coach – go here–>>

http://www.coachrori.com/be-a-rori-raye-relationship-coach/

Love, Rori

435 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on November 20, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Nice ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you



  2.  #2prplpsn28 on November 20, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    ๐Ÿ™‚



  3.  #3Kristina on November 20, 2014 at 3:16 pm

    Kim,

    So happy for you that you finally liberated yourself from MoM! Every time I hear a story of a girl getting herself out of a relationship that was ok but not enough, I feel inspired! I am sure that someone much more available and loving will step into this space and will take good care of you.



  4.  #4Helena Hart on November 20, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    RRRCT was such an amazing experience, it’s by far the best thing I’ve ever been a part of and it truly changed my life! If anyone has any questions about my personal experience with RRRCT feel free to contact me, I’d be happy to answer them!

    Love, Helena



  5.  #5Indigo on November 20, 2014 at 10:37 pm

    Helena and Kristina,

    It’s actually something I’d love to do down the line.

    I just have a question about the business aspect, did you find it easy to start picking up clients, or is that quite a lot of work and does it take a while?

    Thanks! xx



  6.  #6Kristina Lane on November 21, 2014 at 9:04 am

    Indigo,

    Good question. Rori trains RRRCTers on how to generate a flow of clients both from on-line and “on the ground” activities. So if you really push yourself, sky is the limit. Plus, Rori advertisers the new coaches on this blog and in her newsletter, which is a great source of new clients. That said, you would have to put a lot of effort into keeping the flow going.

    In general, it has been an amazing experience of finding new confidence and new friends and having the opportunity to speak directly to our Guru ๐Ÿ™‚



  7.  #7Helena Hart on November 21, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Indigo – just like any new business, I’ve found that it’s all about the amount of time and energy you can devote to it. I can say that I’m now coaching full time and my clients are some of the most amazing women I’ve ever had the chance to get to know, so I’m loving every minute of it!

    Love, Helena



  8.  #8IamHis on November 21, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    8 am and 2:30pm Eastern Standard time?



  9.  #9Indigo on November 21, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    Thanks Helena!



  10.  #10Kristina on November 22, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Indigo,

    I agree with Helena. With the marketing tools that Rori teaches, sky is the limit. That said, you have to put a lot of effort into keeping the flow of clients.



  11.  #11Natalina on November 22, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    I love seeing this post, and announcement.
    RRRCT has been one of the most phenomenal programs I have participated in.

    and in step with what both Kristina, and Helena have stated, YES!! the sky is the limit- for how it will change your life financially, romantically… there is no limit really.

    though I want to underline, it isn’t just being able to become a viable business in a short amount of time, it is also learning what to do to shift yourself to becoming the woman who sustains herself and loves the idea of being able to do that through coaching. through cultivating a business… being her own boss.

    for me it has been a fantastic and life altering opportunity.

    I am thrilled to be working with the women who have contacted me, and am so looking forward to the endless opportunity this training has brought me.

    Yes, RRRCT has been by far the best investment I have ever made.

    I am also available to chat about this!

    Love,
    Natalina



  12.  #12Medusa on November 22, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    Natalina, I feel very intrigued reading your comment about shifting the self, becoming the woman who sustains herself. Can you go into more detail about this? I am serious about doing RRRCT this round, and I have all the skills I need – and I’m also aware that my biggest block right now is my “poverty consciousness.” My whole life history has been a series of barely-making-it financial situations. Can you tell me more about your experience around shifting into a success attitude? I would gladly avail myself of any resources you suggest. Thank you!



  13.  #13Natalina on November 23, 2014 at 6:53 am

    Medusa- ๐Ÿ™‚

    Just like Rori Teaches and Guides us how to relate with men- and attract the relationships you want, RRRCT is an extension of that shifting and settling into my ideal life and relationships. -AND it includes business!
    Medusa,

    I so hear you on this, Wealth conscious/ Poverty Consciousness are huge factors in becoming sustainable.

    and what I really find is that it is a continual process.

    it doesnโ€™t have to be hard, we often make it harder than it needs to be…

    and If I could answer this in one simple paragraph I certainly would, though for me, it has been a much more in depth question than that.

    if you would like to chat, I am very available to talk with you!!
    just let me know!

    Love,
    Natalina



  14.  #14Medusa on November 23, 2014 at 11:27 am

    Natalina, thank you for responding! I emailed you. I’m looking forward to receiving your feedback! Thanks!



  15.  #15Daria on November 23, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    hmmm it woukld feel wonderfully free to,do thid

    and i dont want to put in a lot of effort to get new clients

    i just felt zinged by a great idea

    a reminderr of my plan

    ๐Ÿ™‚

    yay

    i feel excited and peaceful that feels amusing that its possible



  16.  #16IamHis on November 24, 2014 at 11:31 am

    I’ve been wondering about something Azure Blu? I think, wrote on here about your forever man triggering you in absolutely every way. I have a huge crush on Foreign Guy. He is always opening doors for me, matching his walking pace with mine, always trying to catch my eye if we’re out with a bunch of people, constantly touching me in these really sweet and innocent ways, never letting me pay for anything ever. It almost feels too good to be true. He barely knows English and I bgarely know his language, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I feel 100% amazing with him and when I’m away from him. I don’t feel triggered. And that feels really strange. But it’s a good strange. No fear or anger, just playful flirting and being side by side. I feel like I felt before I ever got hurt…like a teenager…and I don’t know what to make of that…



  17.  #17Emerson on November 24, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    16 Iamhis
    I absolutely love your description of ForeignGuy!!
    So sweet <3



  18.  #18Emerson on November 24, 2014 at 7:38 pm

    Ah sirens….I continue to lean forward with men….why do I learn so slowly…lol it’s ok Emerson…
    it’s not easy to change how I do things….
    I have to be lean forwardy in my job…so it’s part of my personality,
    it takes a lot of work to temper it and not let it happen with romantic interests…
    I was so true to myself today though….
    I took myself home to rest when I felt tired…I still got a lot of work done.
    I feel so scared and sad that I won’t fine a partner to love….I hate spending the holidays without a partner…I’m thankful for my parents….if it were not for them, I would be alone at Christmas!



  19.  #19Emerson on November 24, 2014 at 8:19 pm

    I know I can lean back though!!! I’ve done it for a long time, and then I snap and can’t seem to help it. I feel weary of dating and waiting…
    I feel that fear and urgency that we are not supposed to feed into!!
    I also practiced unzipping my heart today….wow it really works like instantly!! And I noticed it seems to affect younger men….not that I’m trying to attract them, it just happens..
    As soon as I unzip my heart they can feel it and will say hello or greet me in some way, it’s so cute I love it



  20.  #20Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 12:13 am

    So, I have two things I want to riff/vent/post about… they may or may not make much sense without more context, but there are too many details to go into.

    First off, one thing I’ve decided to do is kind of “spring clean” my life. It feels good. For me, that means spring cleaning out the elements which don’t feel good, which feel bad in fact. So, it might mean stopping fretting or throwing energy at friendships which have not felt good for a while. Walking away from situations or behaviour that feel stressful or bad, or even that I’m uncertain of. Saying no to things I don’t want, no to chaos and destructive habits, no to activities which feel bad. Turning my attention instead to what feels nourishing and loving, to what feels fun, good and safe. To what feels calm and good, to what expands me and my world, not shuts it down or makes it smaller. I have spent so long trying to please everyone and not ruffle any feathers, doing things which didn’t feel good or right to me for the sake of what someone else wanted. And I’m tired of doing it. I find I have freed up so much extra energy. I find there is some residual guilt and “disappointment” from other people, but it is worth it to me. It feels good to be myself.



  21.  #21Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 12:16 am

    I spent most of Saturday with a dear friend, and it felt so good. It felt so accepting and comfortable and relaxing, no judgment or harshness, just fun and friendship and ease. We talked, we had lunch, we saw a movie, we laughed, we hung out quietly. Yes thank you more please.



  22.  #22Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 12:20 am

    Indigo,
    Spring cleaning is great, even though Novemver seems kind of early for that :-).
    How are things with D?



  23.  #23Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 1:06 am

    I saw D last night – I loved it. I always feel so safe, content and warm in his presence.

    Which brings me to the second thing I want to riff/post about, and I know it will sound too much like getting into his head/business, but I don’t really know how else to write or think about it.

    Much of the reason he won’t commit to me has to do with safety or trust on his part. I’m not quite sure where his “stuff” around this ends and mine begins, but I would like to take care of my end, as I know there is quite a bit here for me to work with and on. He said something last night that he needs me to do what I say I am going to do, and that if he is in a relationship with someone he needs to know that if we agree to do something that it will be respected. I’m not completely sure what he means by this as I know I have never let him down in any major way, but I think he is more referring to his need to have parameters around the time we spend together and to know what to expect – I think this feeds into his need for safety – and my tendency to sometimes let my feelings get carried away with me and to be more spontaneous. He says being able to know what he can expect from me will go a long way towards him being able to trust me – I know he is not talking here about a fidelity issue, but of emotional stability and safety.

    I would like to create this safety, both for him and for me. I already feel quite safe with him, so I suppose it’s him who needs to feel safer. I am in two minds whether talking with him and explaining where I am coming from is a good idea. I have tried this before, and I don’t want to talk a topic to death. The only thing I really know to do is to be self-contained and try and focus on my own life. This is where my anxiety sometimes rears its head. Is that where my work is? I wonder. It is in these times that I sometimes find myself fretting, worrying about being abandoned, growing anxious. Hm, this is helpful for me. Do I continue to love on those feelings? Continue to feel for a breakthrough?



  24.  #24Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 1:08 am

    Victoria,

    Actually it is late spring in my part of the world (southern hemisphere) haha!

    See the post that I’ve just wrote… sometimes I can’t believe how deep into myself this work and my relationship takes me. It is a good thing I hope?



  25.  #25Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 1:24 am

    Indigo,
    It is the beginnging of winter for me… Lucky you!



  26.  #26Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 1:29 am

    Indigo darling,
    I read two-three times what you wrote about D. and what he said, and, well, I am not the most perseptive person on earth, but I feel rather confused.
    So, here I am, all ears, would like to explain again in simpler words?



  27.  #27Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 2:49 am

    Victoria,

    Then you and I are in the same boat, because it confused me as well.

    I cannot say I fully understand what he said either, but what I took from it is this: There are times he needs time alone, space from me. Sometimes it’s in smaller doses, sometimes in larger ones. This is more than fine with me as I also like a relationship with lots of space.

    However, WHEN that space comes, is when my nasty voices come out to play. I enjoy the time to myself, I don’t need him or need him to fix it for me, but I can get anxious. When I am with him, I feel calm. When we are more in a space taking period, I can sometimes get anxious rather than allowing things to flow. It can cause me to hassle him/lean forward/pressure him sometimes, or push for more than what’s being offered. I don’t blame myself here, just being factual. He does not like being pushed at all (no man does).

    This is all very hard to explain as it’s so dependant on how each of us are feeling at the time, and it’s an ever evolving, forward-moving process.

    I think what he means is that, if he says he just needs to take some time for himself, and he will contact me when he’s ready again, for me to agree to that and just let him, rather than growing anxious and pushing him. Or for him to know what to expect of our time together, not for me to always push for more, which I do tend to do. He would feel safer and more trusting if I was more leaned back, in a nutshell, which I find difficult with someone I’ve known so long and care for so much.

    In a way, with my energy, I find it hard to just let him “drive” the relationship.

    So there you have it – I feel all vulnerable and exposed for admitting that here!



  28.  #28Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 3:39 am

    Indigo,
    As a reflection on what you wrote, here are my thoughts/feelings about my own life.
    1. No man wants to be critisized. Even when he does something that hurts you, you should not criticize him. This I find to be a major challenge, and I try to speak in feeling messages but I am still not fluent with that.
    2. Every man wants to be left alone to do his own thing, but for you to be fully available whenever he needs you. This drives me nuts. I am not your mother, and you are not a 4 year old, playing with your kids and just checking occasionally if I am still on that bench looking after you.
    3. I know what you mean by that anxiety. The only thing I know in the world which can put my anxiety to rest when I am left alone, is the company of another man. If monogamy means that I will have to faithfully wait for a man to finish whatever he is doing and come to me on his own terms, then I can not do that. I CAN NOT DO THAT, thank you. If someone wants me to sleep only with him, he has to be 100% available for me and to never leave me alone. Until furher notice, that is :-).

    Damn, even my riffing comes in numbers… what can I do.



  29.  #29Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 3:51 am

    Victoria,

    Your posts are always so thoughtful and honest, yet light. I appreciate them a lot.

    I certainly can see that you and most other women can relate to what I’m saying. So a part of me knows that it’s all very normal in a way.

    My predicament is that I AM monogamous. Emotionally, but physically as well. Being extremely sensitive means that it’s confusing and overwhelming for me to try and be involved with many men, even superficially. I say that because I speak from experience – I have dated extensively for the last 3 years and it was very good and taught me many valuable things and helped in many of my darker moments, but I’ve had enough now. I’m tired of breaking hearts and confusing and hurting myself, which is how this always ends. Even if a broken heart was not the outcome, I’d find that things would end for strange and coincidental reasons, always bringing me back to D. So anyway, maybe I’m not making sense and probably just talking to myself, but I feel I need to see this through.

    Taking time to myself though and with friends and family is very helpful though… I’m also aware that there are many things in my own life I’d like to get more enjoyment out of so there is that as well.

    All in all, I’m someone who gives my heart fully and completely and loyally, yet I don’t have huge amounts of time/space for a relationship. I like togetherness at regular times, but I also like lots of time to myself.

    Thank you again!



  30.  #30Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 3:56 am

    Victoria,

    Oh, you are so right about the criticism! I have learnt in a major way to tone it down and speak in feeling messages, but it is a challenge, you are right.



  31.  #31Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 4:13 am

    Indigo,
    I wish I could help you and I wish you could help me… But we are left to do each for herself whatever can be done…
    I am scared that, an year from now, I will still be here, discussing with the lovely ladies of the blog, the 12th month of my no lean-forward diet and how nothing has moved with F… oh well.



  32.  #32Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 4:31 am

    What I was trying to say is that I am so afraid of being stuck.
    And, I know this is my male energy speaking.
    I have so much male energy, it is scary.



  33.  #33Natalina on November 25, 2014 at 4:58 am

    Victoria-

    I love your intensity around this fear and your masculine energy. It is really so rich!!!

    I hear how you feel like you are not doing enough leaning back/not doing enough of the “right” things – and I just wanted to pop on for a moment and let you know I feel you on this, and it’s totally not a lost cause, surprise even that you may actually be doing a lot better than the outer “evidence” may feel right now.

    I would love to hear about what you do for self care- give THAT as a job to your boy energy inside you! (Having a strong boy energy is a truely amazing strength that you can totally use to freshen up your girl-ness)

    Let me know how this feels to hear -and I think you are amazing ๐Ÿ™‚

    Love,
    Natalina



  34.  #34Azure Blu on November 25, 2014 at 5:25 am

    (((Indigo))) #23
    I feel so warm and blessed about how vulnerable you are and that you shared your confusion with us…

    I too am confused with what D is meaning… and as you said we aren’t supposed to over think what HE is thinking…
    But for me I have found from Rori’s comments on this blog over the years…
    When we need more clarification about something it is totally acceptable to ask what he might mean.

    “He said something last night that he needs me to do what I say I am going to do,
    and that if he is in a relationship with someone he needs to know that if we agree to do something that it will be respected.
    Iโ€™m not completely sure what he means by this”

    I have asked a man, even after several days have gone by to help me understand… they have always been appreciative that I was that interested to try and get more clarity… Of course yours is a 4 year relationship and so you have more repore too.



  35.  #35Azure Blu on November 25, 2014 at 5:32 am

    Victoria,
    From last thread… I sooo appreciate all your thoughtful and warm insights on Siren Island!!!

    Thank you for your answer and wonderful input on my B cd texting episode…
    Yes, you are right… I could have kept up the dialogue…
    but I do have a tendency to not enjoy the back and forth when he has so clearly stated he won’t drive to my town….
    For me…That feels like leaning forward and masculine to try. :-))
    I do have several men in my rotation- 2 dating and 10 messaging…
    The others didn’t even ask if I wanted to meet half way
    they proposed a restaurant in my town and we met there…
    as I mentioned… I’ve NEVER had a man ask to meet half way… they have all considered it gentlemanly to drive to my town…
    Yay men!!! :-))



  36.  #36Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 5:34 am

    Natalina,
    thank you so much!
    I definetely needed to hear that I am doing well, because, honestly, on the outside….uh…I don’t know.
    What I do for self care – here I think I am doing well because I run or exercise 5-6 times a week and I eat right, so I am in great shape physically.
    But you are right, we can always do better for self care. So I will ask my boy to take me to a mani-pedi and may be a massage. I have already scheduled a lunch date with my best female friend for tomorrow.
    I am also working on a small pet project which I can develop either as a source of income or free community service – I am undecided yet, but it is something very close to my heart.
    Natalina,
    I have the energy of a mini-nuclear power station, and I am trying to put it to good uses. It is really hard to just be quiet and receptive… I guess this is my lesson for this period in my life.



  37.  #37Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 5:39 am

    Azure,
    you are a true inspiration!
    You are a rock star!
    Have you not heard from Spirit any more? It does not really matter with all the other dates you have, but for learning purposes I am curious to know what happens when you speak your truth and firmly stand your ground.



  38.  #38Azure Blu on November 25, 2014 at 5:57 am

    Victoria,
    I’m blushing… I feel warm and proud to read your compliments!! :->
    I do appreciate your asking about Spirit…
    Also, I agree, I learn about how the tools work for others.
    Our last communication was 17 days ago…
    I do Soooo miss him… his positive energy, his warm huggs and kisses, his playful laugh… alll his attention…
    BUT his constant pushing away (work and daughter)… judgemental with his religion
    not being invited to his apartment…
    He has not contacted me…
    He does NOT want me to date others… he said how much he loved me,,, how important I was to him, how much he wanted me in his life…
    but i continue to lean back because I NEED actions… not words…
    Now that I am CDing… I can appreciate his good qualities but also see how the religion and the politics would make life very chaotic…
    Sooo… I think you mentioned… It is hard to let go of someone I love but know isn’t the best for me…
    My Rori coach, Natalina, is helping feel my feelings and Love ME through this time of renewal and moving forward!! She’s great!



  39.  #39Labbit on November 25, 2014 at 6:06 am

    Indigo,

    I think D must already feel some progress here because he felt safe enough to bring it up with you — WOW. That feels amazing to me.

    Trust your gut. Without even ‘knowing’ it you’ve already started on the answer and what he is asking for. Remember that D is your deliciously yummy side dish and you, Indigo, are the main course of your life! And really the more you treat yourself like that main course, and the more you do for yourself (even when it feels weird or wrong), the more space will be left for D to be the hero, the pursuer, and all that good stuff.

    Don’t be afraid that you’re going to lose him by making yourself number 1. Try it and see what happens. Really. Maybe sometime soon when he asks you out on a date, you’re not available because you have something else planned. Even if that plan is just resting at home with a good book and a glass of wine/sparkling water/whatever it is that you like to drink. The only thing you should ever fear is losing yourself — and the good news is you have total control over the latter. ๐Ÿ™‚



  40.  #40Andrea on November 25, 2014 at 6:16 am

    riffing:
    I feel too accessible. I feel too “what does HE want?” and not enough, “what do I want, need, in order to feel safe, in order to be able to trust.”

    I feel so available: I make myself available and get told that I’m the best listener, I’m the funnest gal, I’m so easy to be with, I’m so good and understanding his needs, giving the energy..

    k, what about my needs? What about me being listened to? What about my concerns?

    I blocked every man I know from my cell phone this weekend. I unfriended over two hundred and fifty friends. I feel like a facebook newsfeed that is just opened up to every opinion, video, quote, discussion that anyone wants to put up there, no filters.

    This weekend I put up the blocks, found all the filters, kept only my closest girl friends and my extensive family.

    What do I want? What do I want? I’m passionate about poetry and writing and speaking and self care. I’m passionate about women groups and strength in community and hearing the feminine.

    Why?? Why?? Why?? Do I keep concerning myself with men who don’t share my passion? Why do I keep distracting myself with What The Men Want?

    I pretend it’s because, if I treat them right, they will treat me right. But that cycle keeps me on the same level, keeps me stagnate, keeps me in the place the MAN wants me to stay in. Stuck on him, when he wants to give me attention, money, sustainance, and thinking about him when he doesn’t.

    Who cares about me?

    I’m finally finding my boy energy and turning it on me. I care about me. I’m my own partner in my passions.

    Phrases like: intense radical self care, exquisite self love, intense self examination…. keep popping up this week.

    I found out over the weekend that my ex had lied to me all the time that we were together. He’d lied about how he had come across his fortune. It doesn’t make a difference to me in present time, but I found myself searching for the woman who was so in love with this man, and wanting to hold her and tell her… don’t give yourself away so easily.

    I knew through out our whole relationship that something just was off. I ignored myself. I cut myself off from myself. Now I need to go and retrieve that cut off part of myself and say I’m sorry, you were right. I’m so sorry I chose him over you. I keep choosing the “Hims”.

    I know RR guy doesn’t want a future with me. I know he wants his fun while he’s in my town and doesn’t want to think about me when he’s away. I know this, yet I opened myself up to him.

    Last night, I was busy with MY stuff, and an old CD texted me at almost midnight. Just his same old pattern of “what’s up?” I know it’s just him and he just wants attention. Why did I answer? Why did I accept his call, listen to his problems, tell him how happy I was to hear from him. (It was a lie) Deep down I wanted to/want to be left alone.

    The men I have allowed to come into my life are takers. And I have allowed them to continue being a presence in my life, taking, leeching, needing, milking, and I am still alone.

    How do I stop that???????



  41.  #41Labbit on November 25, 2014 at 6:18 am

    Azure Blu I love hearing that so many men have offered to come to you to meet you and court you. I feel your radiant Siren energy from here and it’s pretty sexy! I have a feeling Spirit will be back…whether you want him or not at that time is another question entirely.



  42.  #42Natalina on November 25, 2014 at 6:19 am

    Victoria-

    I had a good chuckle about being a mini nuclear power station – and I only think this is to your advantage too !!!

    As soon as you allow yourself to OWN the fact that you are a dynamite gal (like that nuclear tie in ? ;-D )

    As soon as you allow yourself to own this “star power” inside you… You will totally ramp up your attraction factor.

    When I read your comment I thought, this sounds a little like one of the cameo love stories from the movie Wreck It Ralph- cute movie.

    (The gal from the Hero’s Duty and Fix It Felix Jr.- she was a total power house and he fell head over feet for her, see how that feels to think of it like that)

    Yeah!!!! Go you for being a power house!!!!
    Own it, rock it out girlfriend ๐Ÿ™‚

    Love,
    Natalina



  43.  #43Natalina on November 25, 2014 at 6:30 am

    For Andrea-

    Your riffing is beautiful… I feel a deep awe for you reading your back and forth.

    And I so feel you- this place of disappointment, as well as renewal …. I so feel you, I so get what you are talking about, and to me it sounds like you will very soon be “leveling up”

    You are cleaning up/cleaning out the energy as well as the physical space around you to welcome in higher caliber men and relationships-

    I love it!!

    I also hear your doubt, and I want you to know you ARE doing all the right things!!! YES!!!

    Your intention to HAVE a great relationship and BE with a great man… Your intention to be a lean back girl when you are with your man is going to take you a lot farther than you may think, just trust the intention “stick with the horse”.

    And from where you are uncovering your wants, allow those desires to flow over into feeling messages

    These seemingly “soul sucking” guys in your life, are going to provide you the opportunity to practice asking for what you want.

    Let them be your messengers- allow yourself to accept the gifts they bring, and your attraction level will POP!

    So much love to you,
    Natalina



  44.  #44Mistea1 on November 25, 2014 at 6:55 am

    continuing from the last thread. I’m thinking like
    Victoria that Music Td is a player and,for me maybe a sociopath. So it is a definite keepaway. Yet there are some deeper issues that make sense when put in a historical/cultural context. I am curious about these as I have similar. I am trying to be cautious but interested. I’m wondering how this will all play out. It can be rather painful but as a writer I’m intrigued. Usually there is a reason someone is a ‘player’ and it’s best to keep away in general. But!



  45.  #45Azure Blu on November 25, 2014 at 7:24 am

    Mistea #237
    I do understand what you are saying about the wonderful parts of Music cd…
    but his person is such a little boy…
    Spirit also has such warm hearted, kind and fun parts… but the person is soooo immature…
    As I grow I am finding a grown man much MORE Sexy!!!
    Yay!!!
    Because I have been immature myself for years…
    I am letting my masculine and feminine grow up..
    I like her growing up…



  46.  #46Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 7:30 am

    My dear friends,
    I just saw him briefly.
    I was at work, and he wanted to come see me, but then called that he has to be late, then started giving some strange explanation of why he needs to be late… I was starting to get pissed off, and with this leaning-back and distancing myself from him, I was on the verge of just not picking up the phone when he calls…
    Anyhow, I have not seen him since Friday, and I long for him, so I stepped out of my office for a while to see him.
    Turns up, he has brought me by birthday gift! My birthday is a week from today, but he got me a beautiful watch, and he said he simply could not wait a week to give it to me. Now how stange is that!
    I thanked him but I was very confused… it is very unusual to be given the gift before the birthday.
    He said he wanted to give me a watch because he knows he is always late, and now every time I think he is late I can look at the watch he gave me… now how weird is that.
    I am of course delighted, and not sure what to make of it. I also have a date with him fixed for tomorrow, and the plans for Christmas are becoming even more specific.
    Wow.
    This.
    Really.
    Works.



  47.  #47Natalina on November 25, 2014 at 7:39 am

    Victoria, YAY!!!!! So awesome!!!! You are so totally doing it ๐Ÿ˜€



  48.  #48Sophie on November 25, 2014 at 7:45 am

    40 – Andrea – ME TOO – absolutely every single word you said ME TOO

    I almost felt sick earlier when I thought Young CD had deleted me from facebook – completely and totally irrational. He does nothing for me. He too is a taker – there when he needs something from me and I’m readily available and I’m right there and feeling sick at the thought that he might delete his nothingness from my life. I can’t help but feel anything but ridiculous and so frustrated with myself – I am at a beautiful beach, in beautiful surroundings, with beautiful people and STILL that’s my default position – to hang on a possible email from someone who does absolutely NOTHING FOR ME (except swing in and out of my life leaving me feeling needy, disorientated and craving ugh ugh ugh ugh) and feel sick with panicky fear that he may delete me – DEEEPP SIGGHHH and hug for myself



  49.  #49Sophie on November 25, 2014 at 7:51 am

    Your intention to HAVE a great relationship and BE with a great manโ€ฆ Your intention to be a lean back girl when you are with your man is going to take you a lot farther than you may think, just trust the intention โ€œstick with the horseโ€.

    I like this Natalina – thank you.

    What being away, surrounded by all different men and different nationality men has been doing for me, is get me to pondering a bit more what I do like. I have kind of been surveying men and what they do – either in interactions with me, or with their women and selecting what I like – collecting what I like. It feels good for me – maybe the early stages of something. I am not surrounded by the types of men I am surrounded by in the UK (yet) though I’m sure I can find them/attract them – I am on the alert, though I hope not. Maybe, right now is just gathering information time – about men and about me.



  50.  #50Veronica on November 25, 2014 at 7:57 am

    ((((Indigo)))))))) I like that a spring clean is on! : ) I used to put so much energy into friendships that weren’t remotely reciprocal in energy. I have cut those interactions from my life and feel more at peace.

    I too felt confused by what D meant. From here it sounds to me as though he’s really afraid – wanting things to be sure, not wanting to lose himself or the kind of living that sustains him. I feel hesitant asking you if maybe there’s a lot more of his fear that you pick up on when he goes away that magnifies your own?



  51.  #51Veronica on November 25, 2014 at 8:08 am

    Azure Blu – I personally liked how you chose a ‘no’ for ‘current woman’ man. It sounded like a power-push’n’pull just reading about it. I’ve been thinking about your ‘no’ quite a bit. Choosing to support what works for you.

    And part of me thinks – does that ‘meet me/you halfway’ idea hide a lack of trust in oneself, to face and explore one’s own boundaries, when it’s so simple to juts cut everything down the middle? I much prefer the messiness of getting to understand what my boundaries are, what my self-love feels like.

    Thank you so much for sharing, I appreciate what your words have opened up xx



  52.  #52Sophie on November 25, 2014 at 8:12 am

    Victoria – yay! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Azure Blu – I like what you say about letting your feminine side grow up – yes, maybe I need some of that too…a lot of curiosity for me here



  53.  #53Veronica on November 25, 2014 at 8:14 am

    *just cut



  54.  #54Andrea on November 25, 2014 at 8:22 am

    Ohhh Ouch… just read the new MEK email newsletter about a woman who met a man who was “impressive”. And she, not being used to meeting “impressive” men, clung on to him. He was a black belt, a new age thinker, a sensitive man.. etc.

    So she let herself be okay with once a week sex, no calls in between, her texting him every day to “remind” him that she existed.

    He asked, Why not be impressed with a man who treats you better? One who calls you the next morning after a date in order to firm up plans for the next meeting. One who calls you on the phone in between dates. One who wants to introduce you to his friends, family etc. One who volunteers to take down his online profile, who volunteers to stop seeing other women.

    And I’m thinking…. huh? Men like that exist?

    See, I’ve been “open” and “available” and “impressed” and “wowed” and “adoring” the WRONG men. And what I’ve gotten is some dates, some sex, some fun, but more confusion, questions, inconsistencies.

    I’m feeling angry with myself. Angry with men. I don’t want to be angry at men because even that is sending energy in their direction.

    I feel my own anger at myself. I own my anger. I direct my anger. I feel my anger. I’m angry at me for not knowing. I’m angry at me for not taking myself and MY NEEDS seriously. I’m angry at me for believing that anyone else has the key to my happiness. I’m hurt by me cause I keep hurting myself. I’m disappointed in me cause I keep hurting myself.



  55.  #55Mistea1 on November 25, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Victoria 31, Ha, that’s a good one. “12th month of no lean forward” Gives me pause to think about moving on.
    Azure Blu45, Of course you are right. I know I have some emotional maturing to do. I remember how ready I was to ‘run for the hills’ when he seemed to come on a little strong. Part of it is that I am comfortable with this immature way of being. I know what to expect. Plus this ‘being in feminine energy’ has thrown me for a loop. It’s scary to do.

    Sophie48 “Does nothing for me.” yes, that’s it and why do I keep trying to go back? Or maybe that’s not the question to ask. What’s in me that I need to change or adjust when a man does nothing for me and I ignore it?

    Veronica 51 Understanding and adjusting messy boundaries is very apt. I guess for me it’s a matter of trust in myself. This I need to adjust as well.
    Thanks to all!



  56.  #56Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 8:38 am

    Azure Blu 34,

    I tend to agree with you about asking for more clarity. My personality tends to be that when someone says something that I don’t understand, that I like to sit with it for a while and contemplate it and see if it makes sense. But I’ve been thinking that maybe I will ask him to elaborate so that I DO understand what he is trying to communicate to me.



  57.  #57Femininewoman on November 25, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Victoria – Wow ๐Ÿ™‚

    He is liking your degree of difficulty



  58.  #58Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 8:45 am

    Labbit 39,

    Wow. This is particularly beautiful:

    “Donโ€™t be afraid that youโ€™re going to lose him by making yourself number 1. Try it and see what happens. Really. Maybe sometime soon when he asks you out on a date, youโ€™re not available because you have something else planned. Even if that plan is just resting at home with a good book and a glass of wine/sparkling water/whatever it is that you like to drink. The only thing you should ever fear is losing yourself โ€” and the good news is you have total control over the latter. ๐Ÿ™‚ ”

    Your words give me courage to do just that. Thank you, wise siren, for your continuously helpful input ๐Ÿ™‚



  59.  #59Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 9:04 am

    Veronica 50,

    I feel supported and smiley reading that you too have had this freeing, peaceful feeling when letting go of non-reciprocal friendship. Thank you.

    “I feel hesitant asking you if maybe thereโ€™s a lot more of his fear that you pick up on when he goes away that magnifies your own?”

    Absolutely, 100%. We have this strange, telepathic kind of relationship where, like it or not, I can feel him at a distance. I can feel when he is going to contact me, and I can feel the general state that he is in, and I’m almost never wrong, so, strange as it may sound, there you have it. There’s a part of me that knows deep down that he takes these times of space to get his bearings again, and to cope with his stuff and issues, so yes that always makes me a little afraid and worried. I have to try extra hard to focus on me.

    Thank you for this perceptive insight dear siren! x



  60.  #60Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Veronica 51,

    I LOVE this! :

    “And part of me thinks โ€“ does that โ€˜meet me/you halfwayโ€™ idea hide a lack of trust in oneself, to face and explore oneโ€™s own boundaries, when itโ€™s so simple to juts cut everything down the middle? I much prefer the messiness of getting to understand what my boundaries are, what my self-love feels like.”

    I far prefer to let my feelings and my comfort level do the talking, than any kind of “split things down the middle” “supposed to” kind of rule. I like to use who I am and what I feel and what I want as my guideline – I think I’d run a mile from a man who laid down what a modern woman was supposed to do!



  61.  #61Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 9:14 am

    Andrea,
    I dislike EMK because he makes women feel stupid about their choices and angry with themselves. He is selling a solution and he needs to persuade you that YOU have a problem.
    You are beautiful and amazing and it is just that the one deserving man has not come your way yet. You must love love love yourself!



  62.  #62Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 9:15 am

    Andrea,

    I feel SO happy for you that you are coming to these realisations.

    You can use all that fire and fuel to direct your life to where YOU want it and to the men who enhance and adore and complement YOU, rather than you making allowances for them.

    Go you!!



  63.  #63Femininewoman on November 25, 2014 at 9:50 am

    Victoria – he makes women feel stupid

    When I see these types of statement I feel an internal pushback. I believe no one can make me feel anything because I believe in taking responsibility for what happens in my life. People’s words have as much power as I allow it to have in my life.



  64.  #64Victoria on November 25, 2014 at 10:56 am

    Femininewoman,
    These are sales techniques, and they work with some people and not with others. Good for you if nothing anyone says could make you feel stupid.



  65.  #65Mistea1 on November 25, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Azure Blu reminded me MusicTd is a little boy. I get it now. The first time many years ago when I started dating we were all kids, about 15 or so. That’s when I last thought of beginning to date. I’m enough of an empath and so I went right back there emotionally and there was MusicTd, who never left age 15 “waiting’ for me with all the familiar physical moves and thoughts. So the emotional start to date age never left me. The reasoning part of me has matured of course and that’s the disconnect. That may be part of why I’ve had such a gut wrenching physical reaction. MusicTd’s emotions and some reasoning has remained at age 15. Course listening to some of my teen era music didn’t help. Hmmm, how to resolve this, bring me up to date emotionally so to speak. Thanks for helping me with this insight.



  66.  #66Azure Blu on November 25, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    (((Mistea))))
    I have slowly been raising my little girl…
    holding her when she is sad and lonely…
    angry and anxious… Scared and happy!
    Listening to my boundaries and holding them
    for ME!!!



  67.  #67Senior Lady Vibe on November 25, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    @61: Victoria says:
    Andrea,
    I dislike EMK because he makes women feel stupid about their choices and angry with themselves. He is selling a solution and he needs to persuade you that YOU have a problem.

    I saw the opposite: respectful and encouraging words.

    xoxo
    SLV



  68.  #69Labbit on November 25, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    46 Victoria — This. Is. PERFECT. Yes his gift is weird and yet I also love it. I’m with FeminineWoman — F is definitely liking your higher degree of difficulty. If I were you, I’d keep leaning back…be scarce to him, keep your own rhythm and don’t rush towards him in any way.



  69.  #70Labbit on November 25, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    44 Mistea1 — I’m curious, how long have you known MusicTD?



  70.  #71teresa on November 25, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Andrea 40

    I couldn’t agree more!! I myself am so tired of leaning forward, wait to much….you must lean back. Don’t talk to much, don’t share to much information, don’t be who you are around them for fear you will tell them something that will scare them away. What about us?

    I’ve had enough. I closed my facebook account. Removed 35 friends from my cell phone. Blocked everyone from calling or texting except for brother’s, sister and my kids. Am I angry…..you bet!



  71.  #72IamHis on November 25, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    *Riffing*

    I feel crazy triggered. New Guy has not contacted me since Monday. He texted me asking me if I was busy, and I texted him back a couple of hours later telling him that I had to work really late into the night. (I did!)

    Haven’t heard from him since.

    What I have heard, is that he met another super-triggering person in my life from about a decade ago. We are like…each other’s backburner people.

    He needs a nickname. Brown eyes. He is exactly two days older than me, our families have known each other for years, we went to college together, he moved to my parent’s city, we’re still friends. and we run into each other every few months without knowing we will.

    and I always lean back, and he always comes back to me. and then he pushes me away. The guy actually started slapping me in the arm me really hard once. At first playfully, but when i started saying “ow,” he didn’t stop, just kind of smirked and walked away.

    I wrote him and told him that it was so not cool, and the only reason I didn’t say anything while he was doing it was because I was in complete shock.

    He wrote back and apologized. It was like a playful/hitting too hard in the arm kind of thing, but I felt like it was deeper than that, emotional, like he was hitting me for moving 1000 miles away from him over a decade ago.

    When we were together without the label of being together, we would hold hands, it felt so easy. People always asked if we were dating and I would always look at him confused and tell the nosy inquiring minds that I didn’t know.

    It felt like he was hitting me for leaving him back then.

    and then I went on a date with one of his friend’s and cried on that date about my mom and about how “hard” my life was. and all I could think about was how much safer and better I felt with Brown Eyes.

    So Brown Eyes met New Guy over the weekend and I feel icky…like they talked about me. I don’t know why.

    I absolutely HATE that I struggle with depression. How could I ever love that same struggle in someone else? It makes me feel weak and cowardly.

    Aren’t people supposed to be with someone who has strengths that are the other person’s weaknessess and weaknesses that are the other person’s strengths?

    We’re supposed to be two whole people entering a relationship, yes, I know that, but we’re also HUMAN.

    I haven’t really changed. I read my old journal entries, and it was the same struggles, the same fears, the same questions. I’m the same.

    and there’s these little moments of hope and triumph. and I feel like I’ve gotten somewhere sometimes, but have I really?

    I feel so sad.

    I feel so stuck.

    how do I unstick this?

    Sometimes I feel attacked by the only people who are supposed to love me the most, unconditionally.

    i don’t believe in unconditional love.

    All love has conditions, and I don’t know why that feels so devastating to me.

    I want to be loved for just…being.

    I want to be loved in spite of and even because of all that makes me filthy and broken and imperfect and unstable and breakable and angry and scared and sad and crazy.

    How do you love it all?

    I’m finding it so difficult to love myself, to love anyone!

    I don’t trust love. It’s too painful, demanding, and it’s not there when you need it, especially when you need it. It will be there right AFTER you need it.

    When the moment has passed and you’ve barely survived the moment by your own strength.

    I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but I feel so angry and sad and I don’t even really understand why. This feels unfair.

    Do I feel entitled? Yes, and I hate it. I’m not entitled to anything. I have to give everything I’ve been given up.

    Everyone gives up on me.

    I can’t give up on myself.

    I just want to be rescued, held, listened to, understood.

    Feel like I’m going a little bit crazy…



  72.  #73Millie on November 25, 2014 at 9:38 pm

    I feel so proud of myself!!!! I feel so good about how I’m taking care of myself and honoring what I want.
    The guy that had been pursuing me (buying me things, mentioning more things he wants to buy me, spoil me with) got upset with me. I don’t feel attracted to him at all, unfortunately, and do not feel comfortable being around him because I don’t like his energy. I get a needy but pompous vibe from him. Like he knows what’s best for me…and I don’t feel like he listens or honors how I feel at all. Anyway, so he got upset with me because I chose not to go on an expensive day trip with him yet I asked his advice about my car problems. I saw the car as a completely different subject matter, more business like, whereas he saw them all tied in together and felt used. He made me feel bad yet still tried to convince me to hang out with him saying he “was mature enough to set aside his feelings for me to be friends.” ICK I instantly wanted to go into advice mode as I would with a girlfriend, sharing my Rori knowledge about honoring your feelings and not settling. I can TOTALLY understand how guys get turned off when we settle cuz it felt so icky to me. And I felt a bit taken aback like, how dumb do you think I am? I’m not going to fall for that. He just trying to find a way to be close to me which had a good intention but feels so wormy and disgenuine to me.
    I feel proud of myself though because instead of going to advice mode and telling what he should do or what’s he’s doing that is repulsing me… I focused in what I wanted, which is to get away from him. I told him that “I need to take a step back.” I felt sooo good saying that and very peaceful. It feels like drifting away in a pool of water, not swimming and thrashing and splashing, just turned away and letting the current take me elsewhere. Of course he’s texted since then asking me about my decision but I’m taking space. Yay me!

    I also leaned back a lot with out of town guy, and last night he left me a sweet voicemail. Oh! Leaning back feels so good and serene. I love being in my swimming pool. It feels so much better to hear from a man who is thinking about you, than seeking it out.

    This other dude from poF who I call “lazy dater” is still a lazy dater and I’ve written him off. I expressed to him the importance of making plans and setting a place and time in advance. I’ve chewed his food and spit it out. Once was enough. I told him his dating style was too casual for me. He seemed not to understand even though I said I prefer plans in advance a few times. He continued to text me “what are you doing” way after we had tentative lunch plans which never came to fruition because I’ve been leaning back and not taking the lead. I’ve chosen to not respond to texts that don’t feel worthy, thst make me feel like I’m stooping to a level beneath me. That’s how me makes me feel. Like I need to be the man and even told him, ” I feel like you are waiting for me to ask you out.” I feel empowered. My time is valuable and it’s too valuable to spend on a man that hasn’t shown me he is worth it.



  73.  #74Bopa on November 25, 2014 at 10:38 pm

    Hello

    I have no questions or anything…

    I need a place to put a voice to me feelings during this transitional period in my life.
    I’m feeling a little lost and anxious. I was going through some old emails…Feeling pretty gross about that. Voices in my head telling me I was a bad person and stupid and self-righteous. I wasn’t a bad person, I was feeling angry, abandoned. I left myself out in the cold. I tripped, and made ill decisions. Put a lot of energy – negative and positive – into someone who essentially earned none at all. I feel a sudden urge to just get back to basics… I want to let go the tension between my shoulders and just breathe my body deep into life. I could exist and not talk. I could not do and make moves but just be. Just like that.
    I wonder if that will make it all disappear. The past, the future.
    I would like to just float adrift in a sea of nowhere and nothing. No up or down or right or wrong.
    And set free all the feelings moving in ways so unpleasant.



  74.  #75Indigo on November 25, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    Millie,

    YAY YOU!!!

    I so totally know what you mean about the first guy, as if it is all about him and what he wants and his ability to handle his feelings, and not at all about the fact that you DON’T want to be around who is being incongruent about their feelings.

    I feel the same way. Guys who try to hide the fact that they want more and pretend they are ok with just being friends, yet subtlely try to steer you into the directions they want you to go, get a giant step back from me. I love your analogy of the gently flowing water, just flowing away from something you don’t want to be around.

    I think I mentioned on here that I had coffee on Thursday evening with a guy I was only interested in friendship with, who then wanted to do a DVD at his place on Saturday which I did not agree to. He has also been sending me daily texts asking me how my day is going and what I am up to. I liked what you said, Millie, about texts that are not worthy. To me, these texts feel like asking me to entertain him with stories from my life, and they feel like insinuating himself into my life which I never agreed to. I know the intention is not sinister, but it feels invasive, like an assumption that we are in some kind of a relationship without ever having that talk with me. I don’t like getting daily texts from someone I’ve met twice. Anyway, I don’t respond but it makes a bit sad and annoyed that guys do this.

    It makes me realise why I love D. Whatever his other faults, he always makes me feel like my decisions and autonomy are sacred. I LOVE that.



  75.  #76Victoria on November 26, 2014 at 12:06 am

    @ SLV 67

    I disagree with this guy on so many levels, I would not know where to start. At the same time, I feel this is not the right place or good taste to be talking about it.
    Also, I really do not wish to be triggering any ot the sweet ladies here, so I apologize if what I said is offensive to you. With this, I am making a deep bow, and exiting the topic :-).



  76.  #77Mistea1 on November 26, 2014 at 1:54 am

    Thanks, Azure Blu, for your kind and heartening words. You are right as usual. I’m feeling very vulnerable. It’s like I don’t even know who I am right now. However, I have been in this in between place enough times before to know that I know how to get help if I need it and it will right itself eventually. I’ll pay more attention to CDing as well.



  77.  #78Mistea1 on November 26, 2014 at 3:34 am

    Labbit 72
    The short answer is: I’ve known this guy long enough to know better! Actually about 6 months. I knew what he was like after the first 3 times we talked. Whenever a person hits me this hard energetically I know there is something that I have to learn. This seemed to be clear cut as we are mirrors to each other so we can see the lessons we are supposed o learn. I see him so clearly as immature, selfcentered, moody, and whiney and with a major life issue that is interfering. Turning the table back on myself I can see that I am similar. Ouch! My kids agree with what I’m like so it’s not just me!

    The other thing I’ve done is keep careful notes on this episode. Very Helpful. I’ve recorded dreams that keep me on my toes so I don’t get too sucked into his energy. I’ve studied meditation, martial arts etc for many years and this guy makes any other guy I’ve been attracted to look like a rank amateur. The major factor is the music. I am very sensitive to the vibes I get from music. I almost got lost in this. Plus the guy is internationally known for his music ability. I didn’t know that for first 3 months. So I fell in love with the beauty that was the true person and didn’t pay attention to the immature cover.

    Well, you know what they say about love. ‘True love brings up everything unlike itself to be discarded.’
    That’s what I like about Rori’s teaching about being our own best true self. This certainly cuts down a lot of the baggage before we find our true love. I think the relationship itself is where most people spend the rest of their lives making adjustments. That’s why I think the newlywed teleclass is so important. I was not able to do that in my former marriage.

    Interesting to me was my prediction to myself when I discovered the major life issue for me. We had met when this issue was affecting my life and he was able to get to me where I was weakest and where he was most comfortable being in a one up position. I recognized this issue and began to work on it with the help of a psychotherapist friend very intensely over the last 3 weeks and sure enough he has just about faded into the background. I am hopeful that I won’t attract any more men like this. It seemed like deja vu all over again even though I purposely didn’t have a relationship for many years. I guess I thought time would “heal all wounds” or whatever. Not!

    ((( Iamhis 72 ))))
    I agree with your assessment of the arm slapping issue. I make sure there is not another incident like that for me though. I’m aware I’ve triggered something in MusicTd that has nothing to do with me but he punishes me for it. It’s very subtle and has happened several times. Example: I told him my ‘wild horses’ story. It’s about being an outsider and wanting to be welcomed into the group. I’ve used it with others and it’s gotten good results. Within 3 minutes he used it to make sure I knew I was on the outside with no chance of getting in. Ahh well. Defenses are high and you can’t teach an old dog new tricks in this case. Best of everything to you.



  78.  #79Liquid Light on November 26, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Going to vent a little so if you aren’t into that energy right now, you might want to skip to the next post. OK, this ain’t gonna be pretty but here goes…

    I’m really feeling miserable. And I’m not sure if this is the exception or not, or if I just don’t admit my misery most of the time. I’ve felt pretty miserable since my breakup of my last relationship which was almost 2 years ago. Ughh.

    I’ve been having so much stress at work. Its like no matter how hard I work and how good of a job I do there as a designer, its never enough. Yesterday was the culmination of a 4 month long project that has been incredibly challenging and high pressure. The day or reckoning finally came for us to get structured feedback in a lab with a two way mirror with real customers. It went on all day and we had 6 people viewing and interacting with the product in one hour sessions. And I couldn’t believe it but it actually tested well. And after all that, all the hurdles and the hoops and extra time I did for the team (worked all weekend and have put in lots of extra hours over and over) all the stress I’ve been through, and finally, the result of the whole project culminates yesterday, and I don’t even get a hey good job from the manager on the project. I just couldn’t believe it. In our debrief call at the end, it was just more nit-picking. I was stunned. Then as soon as I got back to my desk, I found out that another project is on fire and I have to scramble on that project to meet urgent and unreasonable deadlines. I was just so strung out today that I called in sick. Just so frustrated and disappointed and exhausted from this experience!

    I went out for a drink with a friend afterwards expecting that he would be sympathetic but all I got from him was one upmanship, indifference and being talked at all night. Ughh. It was awful and I just wanted to run away from him as soon as I could. I’ve always looked up to this person and our paths recently crossed after a number of years of not seeing each other. It turns out he works just down the street from me now. I was excited to reconnect with him again (not romantically, just as a friend) because of the respect I’ve always had for him. But that all changed last night, I couldn’t believe his lack of concern and empathy. And it just reinforced my disappointment in being back in this metropolitan area. I feel like so many people are indifferent, competitive, and rude and pretentious here. Its a city and it hardens people. I was turning into one of those people and I didn’t like it. That’s why I left. I feel like I have failed because after 8 years, I had to come back. Mostly for work and because I had to leave the small town where I previously lived after the breakup. I just couldn’t handle running into him over and over again, and I was just so sad. So I ran away with my tail between my legs, and now I’m right back to where I started from 8 years ago. I feel like I’m a total miserable failure. I feel embarrassed and humiliated to be right back in the same situation – single, unhappy, stressed, angry, disconnected blah blah blah.

    Told you I was gonna vent and it wasn’t gonna be pretty ๐Ÿ˜‰



  79.  #80Senior Lady Vibe on November 26, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    @76: Victoria says:
    ” so I apologize if what I said is offensive to you. With this, I am making a deep bow, and exiting the topic…”

    I’m not offended. I’ve often not agreed with him (as well as others) as you will know if you’ve read my comments over the last several years; however, some points of view and advice are right on and valuable.

    I’m open to good discussion from many sources.

    All the best to you.

    xoxo
    SLV



  80.  #81Andrea on November 26, 2014 at 5:35 pm

    Oh no Liquid Light. I feel sad and I feel commiserate. ?? like commiserating? : ) I so understand and I have felt that way in the past. “right back to where I started.”

    I just want you to know that you are heard.



  81.  #82Liquid Light on November 26, 2014 at 5:46 pm

    Thanks, Andrea, I really appreciate that! ๐Ÿ™‚



  82.  #83lovetodance on November 26, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    bopa 74

    there is rumi or hafiz poem that some of what you wrote reminds me of….

    …i will meet you in a field beyond right and wrong….

    something like that anyways…

    and what you said reminds me to always meet myself there, beyond the harsh judgement of myself…where i can love and honor and accept myself in any way that i have been, am , will be….

    i too wrote in the midst of hurt…to someone who i had great lessons to learn from…someone who could not love me….and it was me not loving me….and somehow i just had to keep following that thread…until it was threadbare and what was revealed was something i no longer wanted…even tho it hurt to stop it….but nothing like the hurt to continue it…

    well i went off on my thread….this is what got ignited in me in reading your post…

    i want you to know i heard you….and felt you….take care good siren….



  83.  #84Millie on November 26, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Liquid Light, I can totally relate to your frustrations- also being a designer. We have an exhausting job, outputting so much energy constantly, creative energy and also doing energy. We have to be intuitive and problem solvers. Long hours until it’s done…I know this well. And as exhausting as it may feel, what sucks is that this is expected of us. I am expected to get a job done by the deadline no matter what. That is my job. I empathize with you, in feeling like a deflated balloon at the end of it, and oh- they have another task for you! No rest for the wicked. I understand that, but also understand you can’t expect sympathy from your superiors. They are paying you to do what you do, there is no need for them to feel sorry that you had to work overtime to get it done. Your friend on the other hand….I don’t have any suggestion for, other than maybe starting out saying: “I feel like venting right now and want someone to just listen.” I have some friends also, who if I tell them I worked late, well they worked later. It’s a constant competition for who knows why. I don’t know how to handle that myself other than disengaging when I don’t feel heard.



  84.  #85Liquid Light on November 26, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Thanks Millie. I really appreciate it. I can tell you totally get where I’m coming from with this since you’ve been there!

    The thing that is so frustrating is that the team hems and haws and doesn’t make decisions. In fact, in our last design review, we ended up going back to a previous design from over a week ago. So lost another week + there. But my deadlines and deliverables don’t change. I’m seeing this pattern repeat itself on multiple projects with this team. So I doubt its going to change. Unfortunately, from what I’m gathering, I got stuck with one of the most dysfunctional teams. ๐Ÿ™



  85.  #86Millie on November 26, 2014 at 9:54 pm

    Liquid light…. Same here!!! I think changing of minds must come with the territory!



  86.  #87Victoria on November 26, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    I am not sure whether I want to riff or just shoot myself…
    OK, riffing.
    My date with F. yesterday was a disaster.
    Total catastrophe.
    First off, the place where we wanted to go was fully booked – it never occured to him to make a reservation. He had a really hard time making an alternative suggestion – I had to suggest which I hate doing – I should have probably walked away already at the poing in which he was scratching his head what else to do for 15 minutes or so… Then we went to another place, spent 2 hours there, until he realized all of a sudden that he forgot to pay for parking and his car must be repatrated by now… So he rushed out to chase after the car and left me alone . The fine for that is pretty nasty too, and he must have had to pay it, so this was one expensive date for him and a total disappointment for me. I never said anything to him but thank you and I am so soryy for the car. I had an arrangement to see a close friend who is accidentally in my town after seeing him, and I saw her and we had a good time with her. I was with her, and it was fun, entertaing and lovely. And before that, with him, the man that i think I am in love with, it was awkuard and forced. This is like the 3rd or 4th time he forgets to pay for parking and his car is taken away… He is so absent minded. The kind of conversation we had was also pretty bland… He did not making any effort to make it good to me, and I was there, being sympathetic to his sad strories about his mean boss and his stupid colleagues, and this, that and the other…
    I feel so hurt that he does not make the effort to plan things and to make it good for me… Even though I am leaning back and I stopped giving and overfunctioning, I now see that the only way I can have this relationship well planned, fun and smooth, is if I am putting more effort, because he is hopeless. Hopeless. He is a very good looking guy, intelligent, great in bed, but he is totally hopeless as to the level of masculine energy I need. I am left hungry and disappointed, and asking myself why am I doing this to me. Why do I care to be a good listener, kind, fun, loving to him…And the answer comes on its own… you just have to let go, you have to actually leave him, even though he is a good guy and you do not want to break his heart, but it is not for you to make it work and so far it just does not work.
    So, 27 days of no leaning back, and I am facing the truth, and it is painful, but quite clear now, and liberating in a way.



  87.  #88Victoria on November 26, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    The other thing, when it turned up we can’t go where we wanted to go because we had no reservation, he started to beat himself in front of me, and said, “a real man would have made a reservation, I am so stupid and I disappointed you”, and I just had to bite my tongue…
    So, when a man speaks up your feeling message to him, instead of you speaking it up, what is there left for you to do…
    I want to shoot myself, how did I end up with this loser…



  88.  #89Indigo on November 26, 2014 at 11:21 pm

    Victoria,

    I am so sorry, and I would have felt exactly the same as you after a date like that, or 2 or 3. When the effort just does not match up to what you deserve, and he doesn’t seem to realise it.

    I had to wonder, while reading your post, whether expressing your authentic feelings would inspire him to step up? I know I have done that in the past when I have been on a similar kind of date, and it has sometimes worked. You know, the kind where they are late / don’t make a reservation / don’t organise parking or take charge or have a plan.

    Sometimes I said it gently, like “I prefer having a planned date where everything goes smoothly and I can just enjoy it”. Sometimes I said it a bit more forcefully, like the next time he asks me out say something like, “I’m sorry I don’t want to go if XYZ is going to happen”.

    As I said, sometimes it worked, sometimes not. It is great to get clarity though, so yay for you!



  89.  #90Victoria on November 26, 2014 at 11:48 pm

    Indigo,
    When he said “i am stupid and a poor planner and I disappointed you” what is there left for me to say…
    I just feel broken…



  90.  #91Victoria on November 26, 2014 at 11:57 pm

    I know he will call me today (he calls every day, several times a day) and I don’t know what to say.
    I will not see him today though because he has a 12 hour work shift today.
    I don’t know what to say.
    It was a disaster yesterday, but I don’t want to say that, I do not want to offend him, or criticize him, it seems best to just let it pass, and just not talk to him for a day, but then he will know it means I am pissed… Oh well.



  91.  #92nyx on November 27, 2014 at 4:21 am

    @liquid light
    Maybe not pretty, but real ๐Ÿ™‚

    Some days (very few) really suck, and sometimes I- who love to stay up- hurry to bed, feeling drained and exhausted, thinking: “I need to end this day NOW- it is so awful it can’t POSSIBLY be anything but better than this tomorrow!”
    – and the thing is, it is. Or if it isn’t, I can handle those draining things better when I’ve had more sleep- i am so much tougher, calmer and more harmonic. If it is stress that I can foresee, I schedule a massage- helps me relax, get endorphin and also sleep better. My philosophy is “force the body to feel better, mind will follow”. But those times I can not foresee, sleeping early works. Unconsciousness while you gather resources ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Seems for you- talking with a friend works. ๐Ÿ™‚ (just not that one). I agree with that too.



  92.  #93nyx on November 27, 2014 at 4:28 am

    @ Victoria

    You have withdrawn your overfunctioning, you say. I admire you for this ๐Ÿ™‚ and you allowed yourself some time for it.
    Maybe allow him a little time to adjust to the new circumstances and possibly step up? It seems he is noticing the problem…
    (Then again, if he hasn’t fixed the parkingproblem yet, he might not be the type that fixes things… )
    I am sure your gutfeeling will be correct in this. ๐Ÿ™‚



  93.  #94Victoria on November 27, 2014 at 5:13 am

    Nyx,
    Thank you for writing, i can surely use some feed back.
    As for my gut feeling – i am so good at reframing and managing my thoughts that i no longer have a gut feeling if you know what i mean… And i am no longer as frustrated as i was eatlier today… Riffing helps, as well as eating a big lunch with some chocolate mousse at the end… I cant be beating myself for his limitations. And i love chocolate.



  94.  #95Femininewoman on November 27, 2014 at 5:19 am

    Liquid Light don’t know if this might relate to your work but I was recently advised to read a book about Personality Plus At Work by Florence Littauer. It was so eyeopening about how different personalities work and how when one can identify people with their personality it might help our frustration working with them in that we are empowered knowing how to assign tasks. I know some people seem to suffer with the paralysis of analysis which might be a personality quirk. I know first hand how frustrating and draining that can feel being on the other end wanting to get things moving and done.



  95.  #96Azure Blu on November 27, 2014 at 7:12 am

    ((((Liquid light #79)))))
    Ohhh… lovely Siren…
    I feel sad that you are feeling down…
    I have been having some of these feelings also…
    Stuck!!! Sooo Stuck!!!
    I did feel better after I expressed my feelings here on Siren Island…
    I hope your riffing here helped you!!
    love to you



  96.  #97Azure Blu on November 27, 2014 at 7:13 am

    Happy Thanksgiving to all you lovely Sirens…
    I am so very thankfull for all of you
    and your love and care…
    You are a huge support for me and I am gratefull!



  97.  #98Azure Blu on November 27, 2014 at 7:30 am

    Ohhhh… lovely Victoria….
    Huggs!!
    Ahhh the power of leaning back…
    It is working so well for you…
    You are AMAZInG!!
    I feel so excited reading about
    your journey with the leaning back…
    I am inspired and have learned sooo much from you.
    For me…BIG changes like this… do feel messy!!

    What I always struggle with is…
    When I do the right thing…
    AND it still feels BAD!!! ???

    But you are seeing
    Who F is
    How YOU feel when you’re with him
    How YOU feel when you’re NOT with him
    What would feel good
    As Rori says… When we lean back we see the man more clearly… and see if he can step up… or we get bored…
    I have found it good to visualize what my Mr. Right would be doing
    when I am getting ready for work…
    We would take a shower together…
    He would bring me coffee while I dress… give me a good morning hug…

    When we get home at night (I want to live with Mr. Right)
    He would pour us a glass of wine.
    Hang out in the kitchen and talk and cook together…
    I would feel warm and cared for…
    relaxed and loved…
    I just go through my day fantacising
    how it would all feel…
    It has helped me get more clarity on how I WANT to feel…



  98.  #99lovetodance on November 27, 2014 at 9:22 am

    wonderfull visualization azure…..

    every molecule in me believes you will have this…
    big love to you….



  99.  #100Indigo on November 27, 2014 at 9:24 am

    Sirens,

    I wanted to share something with you.

    For years, I had been battling with a clawing feeling around my heart. All the little muscles around my heart were tightly gripped, and when I felt anxious they used to tighten around my heart like a noose. I’m slightly asthmatic so my breath would be constricted as well. These physical sensations intensified the feeling making my mind race, making the whole experience particularly unpleasant for me. But the tight, clawing feeling round my heart was the most prominent. I’d lived with it for so long I had almost just accepted it.

    And then today, (again while I was out walking!) I realized that I have not felt that clawing feeling in months. I checked in, and the feeling around my heart was tentative, yet relaxed. Yay!! It’s a wonderful feeling not to feel that grip around my heart any more.

    What caused me to check in was that something triggering happened today, instead of descending into a spiral of panic like I would have done in the past, I noticed I was relatively calm. Able to take a step back, move away, take a walk, have a bath and focus on other things. Yay!



  100.  #101Lovetodance on November 27, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Thank you for sharing this indigo. Another reminder for me. How I embody my experience and can or cannot be aware of the sensations. That create my life. Via my thoughts and feelings. ….too easy to go numb and/or be on auto pilot.



  101.  #102Indigo on November 27, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Lovetodance xxx



  102.  #103Femininewoman on November 27, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Wow Indigo. Such a clear reminder of the great impact our mindset and emotional state can have on our health.



  103.  #104Victoria on November 27, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Azure,
    Your Mr. Right sounds so much like my Mr. Right except that we would not shower together but would make love every morning ๐Ÿ™‚
    We have had periods with F. in which we spend some time together like a family… He starts work at 8 and would set the alarm for 6.30 so that we could have at least an hour of love making in the morning… We cooked together after work, ate in bed, and he would give me foot massages while we were watching tv. It was always perfect for me and probably overwhelming for him because after a few very intendive days i would feel him grasping for air and he would back off from me.
    We have not done this lately and a part of me misses it but another part knows these domestic periods were arranged by my ovefunctioning self and i will never do this again.
    I leaned waaaay back today. Spoke very briefly with him and then did not pick up at all the second time he called. I need rest and time to myself.



  104.  #105Andrea on November 27, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Oh so many wonderful insights today on the blog and re-reading the very beginning of my journey: Rori’s E.Book.

    I’m getting so much out of it now this second time around because I’m not in a panic “help me I need to fix my relationship/I’ll do anything to get him back” mode.

    Now I’m relaxed. Two years later and I do believe I am really truly over him. And I’ve stopped overfunctioning in all of my CD relationships and it has spilled over to my friendships and even my family.

    I feel my boundaries. Not just know them, say them, look for them. I feel what it feels like when I’m trusting them.

    Today I saw a new newsletter that asked: “Are you always attracted to Distant Men.”

    Immediately I told myself, “Yes, I always am. And here’s the evidence.” My mind started to wander to this man and that man. Then like a bolt my mind said, “WAIT! That’s not really true.”

    And I realized… Oh my gosh, all of my cd’s, friends, family who were distant, nonchalant, are all gone out of my contacts, facebooks, phone messages.

    Wait a minute. I’m no longer attracted to distant men. WHAT??? When did that happen??? I’m no longer attracted to men who use me, grunt at me, pass me a bone; men who date me, have sex with me, then never call again; men who need me to run the relationship in order for us to have a relationship…

    Wow. Those men are not in my life. Not in my life!! Wow. And it’s because I don’t want them there anymore.

    I had an experience with my old romantic cd Joe. He texted me late at night. I said i would talk to him tomorrow if he called. He called and asked my friend and I to join him at a bar he was at. Nice. We got there, but then another lady came in and Joe bought my friend and I a drink but then completely turned his back to us and chatted away with the other lady.

    I drank my drink. Thanked Joe for his kindness and walked out of the bar. My friend wanted to stay and try to vie for his attention, knowing that if I left Joe would give her a ride home.

    As I left all I thought was… “Oh thank God I will never ever be in that position again. Trying to GET a man’s attention.” Ugh!

    Last night.. late… another old CD called me. I didn’t know who it was at first because I had long ago wiped his info from my phone. He said he was disappointed that I hadn’t kept him as a contact. (and he noticed that he was no longer a facebook friend)

    I shrugged and said, “Well, that’s where I’m at these days. Kind of sweeping away the non-essentials.”

    He said, “Ouch.” And then there was a long long long silence because I had nothing more to say and I was smiling and I was relaxed and I was going about my own business whilst on the phone with him. Finally he said, “Well, Happy Thanksgiving. I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

    The end.

    And I just had the most wonderful Thanksgiving with my two daughters. And I’m just in celebration mode because I love myself a little bit deeper than last time, a little bit more than I’ve ever loved me before.

    And I’m single. Like way single single. I don’t have anyone in my horizons because no one that I’ve dated so far is good enough for me. And I’m excited because they will start to come in, the next tier up.. they will start to dance their way into my life and I’m ready for them… the new men, the new batch, the new mirrors that will reflect back to me how much I’ve grown, how much I’m desired, how much I’m wanted, how in demand I am, how worthy of true love…

    I feel so lovey today. Just so full of excitement and precious treasured love for me.

    Somethin’s about to happen.



  105.  #106Andrea on November 27, 2014 at 3:26 pm

    My latest guy, I think, was the culmination of everything I’ve been learning.

    RRGuy, came into my life and pursued me, and I made some decisions that were over functioning, and he pressured a little bit for more. I wasn’t ready for him to come to my home. But I gave in because “I really liked him.” etc…

    We spent the night together. He said all the right things the next day. And then he went away on a Tuesday saying he would call me soon. No calls, no nothing.

    Then I went through a metamorphosis with a lot of things and cleaned out my contacts, my facebook, my everything.

    Last Sunday at about three in the morning I noticed I had a message in my voice mail. It was RRguy, “Hey, what’s up girl. How are you? Give me a call when you have a chance.”

    I felt nothing but kind of sad.

    That was good enough for me before. That would have been a reason to call him. That would have been a reason to hang on.

    Not anymore. I deleted the message and have not called, contacted, seen, nor heard from him. This guy I had the chemical hots for not two weeks ago. This guy who was in holy hell pursuit of me not two weeks ago. I’d somehow given him the message that it was okay to toss me a crumb.

    He caught me at the very end of my “This is no longer what I want.” phase. And I’m over it.

    But I’m thankful that he kind of was the catalyst that made me realize… hold on a second… different guy, same scenario. The change has to take place in me.

    I feel lifted. I feel elevated. Like I graduated from one grade and get to move on up to the next. And boy am I ready. Boy am I excited.



  106.  #107teresa on November 27, 2014 at 3:58 pm

    Andrea,
    You sound so grounded….so at peace with who you are and what you want. You have so inspired me that things will get better, easier in life. Thanks so much for sharing!!



  107.  #108nyx on November 27, 2014 at 4:36 pm

    :O Victoria!

    Can’t help but think I would love that rhythm- intense intimacy, then some time for myself… a few footmassages would definitely make up for a missed reservation at a restaurant to me ๐Ÿ˜‰ OR I could remind him of his parking… but probably not both, unless I felt him caring for something else I feel I need ๐Ÿ˜‰ but in the end, it all comes down to what we feel is important to us. You know what traits/actions are important to you ๐Ÿ™‚
    I can SO understand what you mean with steering your thoughts at the expense of our gutfeeling (I seem to always do this when in love, arrghhh), and as Azure quoted Rori- leaning back helps us feel it, reconnect. You are leaning back, and lots of stuff are emerging. Just recall that it isn’t all about throwing away, one alternative is speaking up and see if the situation is possible to turn around. But knowing you CAN throw things away, gives you an authenticity when speaking up that the other part reacts to, deep in his core.

    Anyways, you really made me feel all smiley when telling me about your chocolate ๐Ÿ˜‰ Lovely!
    Is there any more of you sirens who would like to share what you do to care for yourselves, be it emotionally, psychologically or physically?



  108.  #109nyx on November 27, 2014 at 4:42 pm

    @ Andrea

    If I ever saw a tale of success… ๐Ÿ˜€
    Absolutely wonderful!



  109.  #110nyx on November 27, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    @ Indigo

    Yours is a tale of success as well- though showing more internally. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Reading it makes me wonder how I can check in on myself to see what is changing.. or already has…



  110.  #111Andrea on November 27, 2014 at 6:41 pm

    Oh my gosh. I’m sitting here at my desk, working Thanksgiving night, but I’m loving it. It’s peace and quiet. And I’m coming up with feeling messages that are true for me.

    I was riffing about the past three weeks with RRguy. And I realized through the riffs that from the very beginning I was trying to DO things in order for him to like me. Do conversation in order for him to feel comfortable. Do sex in order for him to be satisfied. Do texting in order for him to stay in contact with me. Do something in order for him to like me.

    I remembered joyfully how much more intensely I felt the wrongness of it, not of him, but of my trying to force him to like me through the things that I DO. How unnatural it feels now. I felt depleted not energized sometimes after we interacted. How I felt scattered and lightning struck, not relaxed and safe.

    I put myself back into our first couple of meetings when our attraction for each other was getting intense. I felt the feelings and then allowed my former self to say,

    “Wait. I feel pressure from myself that I need to do something right now in order to be liked. I don’t want to be in this situation anymore.”

    This would have been my most honest statement. If i would have backed off I don’t think he was putting the pressure on me. I wanted to be liked. That was the heavy weight of the situation. I thought I knew how to DO things so that I would be liked.

    When in fact I MYSELF would have liked/loved/validated myself much more succinctly and tenderly if I would have just known and allowed myself to be honest out loud, standing next to him. Softer, quieter, more honest.

    “Wait. I feel pressure from myself that I need to DO something right now in order to be liked/validated/heard/ seen/ connected. I want to BE away from this situation.”

    Ahh I love you Andrea. I love you!!! I would have rescued you from that situation. I want to rescue you from those situations that will come up. I know how awful that feels now that I’m letting myself feel it for once. It feels so icky and insecure and weighted down and frantic to feel the need to DO something in order to be liked. (loved even) It feels so scary and panicky. “I want to be away from this situation.” And then just walk away, hang up, say goodbye.

    See how much I love you Andrea. I’m saying goodbye now to every situation in which I feel that urge to DO something in order to be liked. Now I recognize that feeling. Now I know… that’s a feeling I just don’t want to subject myself to anymore. I’m getting away from that feeling and from anyone who I feel that way around.



  111.  #112Andrea on November 27, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    Oh My God!! It just now dawned on me why it’s been such a great GREAT idea to circular date.

    Because I can practice being that succinctly and specifically honest with men. I can practice saying strange things like: “Wait. I am feeling pressure from myself that I need to DO something right now in order to be liked. I want to be away from this situation.”

    I can practice and I can experience how different men might react to my pure honesty. I can get down to the bottom of getting to my pure honesty more quickly.



  112.  #113Indigo on November 27, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    Feminine Woman,

    Yes indeed. For months I practiced Dominique’s visualization of imagining the muscles relaxing and breathing into them just before I went to sleep. I still do this occasionally. But it’s amazing how the physical body and emotional and mental being all intertwine.



  113.  #114Victoria on November 28, 2014 at 12:16 am

    Andrea,
    thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences so honestly and vulnerably.
    I started thinking, am I doing things in order to be liked like you do.
    The answer is, yes, but I know I do things for other people because it makes ME feel good, and then yes, I know I feel depleted when I have overfuctioned, but I do it first of all for ME. I love cooking, but I love cooking so much more when I am cooking for other people, and I love shoping, but most of all I love when I shop for a gift for someone else (totally love to be shopping for the man I love) and I give completements and express affection because I like myself when I do that. So, I do things for me in order to like me. Is this ok, I am thinking? Yes, it feels ok.
    When I feel active, I have so much energy, and this energy needs to go somewhere. I need to do, do, do.
    I need to learn to turn my power house off. But I love my power house, and I can’t imagine being a power house that is off. It defies its own purpose.
    I have also realized lately, that when I am feeling a negative emotion, if I just let it be, it will eventually dry up, and with some time, I will stop feeling it. As they say, this too shall pass.
    Happy Thansgiving to all of you who celebrate the holiday, in my country it is not celebrated, but I surely like the idea, and thank you for your generous hearts!



  114.  #115Millie on November 28, 2014 at 12:52 am

    Andrea I love your riffing and seeing your thought/feeling process today. You bring to mind my own experiences where I subconsciously felt the need to DO something or SAY something in effort to get a man’s affection. Where I felt shaky and unsure, grappling at what I thought he’d like, rather than being what I liked and being myself. I can relate to that…I can also relate to how you’re feeling now, having eradicated unnecessary people (mainly men) who aren’t a good match, who are unavailable, distant, not looking for the same things. When I look back to where I was a year ago, I was drooling over Mechanic, going back and forth with my ex in text ping pong, beating myself up, feeling lost, and all of that continued into not so long ago. I feel so free from all the net I had strewn over myself. I set myself free…and it feels amazing, to be so completely single and comfortable in that singleness…to welcome the next group/tier of men.

    One thing I’ve become very in tune with is who I am when I drink. Drinking brings out the worst in me, it really does. I’m not an alcoholic, by any means, but stepping back and spending more time with myself sober, I’ve really been able to see clearly the damage and intense trigger state I put myself in. Alcohol makes me think and feel in extremes. I feel extremely sad, or extremely rejected, it makes me text people I never would sober, if makes me defy myself. I do things I know are not in my best interest. I turn small things into big things….I like having a drink now and then, but I don’t think I’ll ever drink the way I used to. I hate how I feel and don’t like who I become. I much prefer myself “undrunk.”

    An example of this is the other night. I had three drinks with a friend. I was telling her about “out of town guy” who she is also a mutual friend of on FB, but has also never met him. He added her years ago, obviously because she was cute and had sent her flirty messages. This upset me because he added me for the same reason, and while he didn’t “hit” on me, we got to talking and now there is an attraction there and we talk on the phone now. In the moment, I felt very upset by this information–I felt like sloppy seconds and it made me wonder how many other girls he does that to over Facebook. My reaction under the influence of alcohol was to shut myself tight like a clam who let a tiny, uncomfortable grain of sand in. Close up, push him away, stop talking to him, lest another grain of untrustworthiness try to make itself in to my shell.
    Then I asked myself, how productive is that? Is that the best way for me to react to this? Is shutting down going to connect me to myself? Will I grow if I do that? I thought that this situation is similar to if you are actually with a man and he looks at another woman, or smiles at another woman, or flirts with another woman, how would I handle that? Really, how would I? Would I shut down like a clam? and then what….?
    No, I decided I don’t want to be someone who shuts down anymore. I want to be vulnerable and take the risk of being open and honest and protect myself with out closing off to people completely. I don’t have to make this extreme decision of cutting him out. I can just be and allow things to unfold and share how I feel as it comes up and ahhh that feels so much better. I don’t even feel a need to bring it up to him right now…If I did, I would feel like a woman letting her insecurities run rampant and like a police officer coming down on him for any women he ever spoke to in the same manner, and that doesn’t matter in the long run.

    The fact that I felt such a sting at all hearing that information signaled to me that I’m probably more invested in this than I should be. Not only have I never met him, but he’s not here. Therefore, there is no relationship. Being concerned with what he’s done or who he has talked to..can i trust him, falls into caring what he’s doing, and I don’t need to concern myself with that. At all. It doesn’t matter right now. What matters is how I feel and what I’m doing. Hearing what my friend said, felt like having the rug pulled out from under me for a moment. Even though it was a small, harmless act, it reminded me that i don’t know this man. It reminded me that I plain don’t know. I don’t feel certain he’s right for me, but I don’t feel certain he’s wrong for me either. I’m finding out and I have to keep myself in check and keep my feelings from straying into imaginary land and keep grounded in reality.

    He called me tonight and we talked briefly…I have to admit there is a genuine-ness to him that warms me…a softness in his voice.

    Anyways, I feel really good about my processing and awareness….and the direction I’m heading in with myself. My relationship with ME has improved so dramatically in the past few months that I feel so amazed and elated.

    I had such a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family, I hope you all had a lovely day however you chose to spend it. XX



  115.  #116Millie on November 28, 2014 at 1:00 am

    I should add, that my friend and “out of town guy” didn’t have any sort of communication past a couple messages, they are just Facebook friends. They never talked over the phone or anything like that. That wasn’t clear in my post.



  116.  #117Indigo on November 28, 2014 at 1:06 am

    Andrea,

    Yes. YES. Absolutely.

    I feel as if I am more or less in the same place. I want to start living a life of freedom, of ease, of relaxation. I realised how I have been doing things which felt wrong to me in order to be liked, or because I was afraid of that person’s retribution. I don’t want to do that any more.

    “He caught me at the very end of my โ€œThis is no longer what I want.โ€ phase. And Iโ€™m over it.”

    I wrote here recently about a guy that I met who took a shine to me who started bombarding me with daily “hi how are u?” messages. The old me would have felt like I needed to respond even though that felt wrong to me. This time I just thought, I’ve had enough. And I didn’t respond. To any of them. I felt a surge of energy which was both beautiful and new. I felt a little closer to my real self.

    My boss asked me to work on a Saturday. It was something non-urgent and something which, to me, not worthy of giving up my precious Saturday morning. More than that, I checked in with myself and the answer from my inner self was “no”. So, I said no. He told me he was “disappointed”. I realised, to my surprise, that I was ok with that. I had the knowledge that he was disappointed in me and I felt completely comfortable with that. No fretting, no guilt, I just felt ok, and good that I had listened to me.

    And then again, I had my mother ask me to please join them for a dinner out tonight with begging terminology such as “please please please” and it felt so icky. I would much rather have a quiet night in or join them of my own accord and not because I’d been coaxed into it. I felt how horrible it felt and realised “I want to be away from this situation”.

    And I realised, is it any wonder I have been reflecting needy, chaotic energy out into my world when these are the sort of situations which I have been allowing to have free rein inside me, instead of quietly, self-lovingly saying how I felt (or better, acting on how I felt?)

    It feels so good to say… no. Just no. No explanations, no conflict, just, I don’t want to be here.

    It somehow feels so self-loving, as if I love myself a little bit more for listening to me, and for not inviting unnecessary drama into my life.

    This also all seems to be linked to accepting crumbs. I want someone who loves and honours me as much as I do. I want to quietly move into a life in which I honour and respect other people, and in which I myself am honoured and respected. Where I treat myself and others gently and truthfully. Where I move calmly through my world, not anxiously and needily, nor inviting the anxious and needy into my world.

    Just quietly saying yes and no.



  117.  #118Millie on November 28, 2014 at 1:08 am

    Victoria– Oh I feel bored when men are forgetful like that and aren’t good planners. I also feel bad, because they are great people, but unfortunately I am turned off by poor planning and the inability to find solutions. I would say…don’t be too hard on him, sometimes men feel just as nervous and shaky as women, but on the other hand….it’s your time and your life, spend it with who you feel is worthy of it. XX



  118.  #119Indigo on November 28, 2014 at 1:19 am

    nyx 108,

    Thank you.

    Some of my favourite things to do for self-care are having a bubble bath, taking a gentle evening walk, hunkering down in bed with a good book or a favourite TV show, making the perfect cup of rooibos tea or hot chocolate, or making the perfect meal. I love to groom my horse and take in her scent. I love to take myself off to the art gallery or to see a play, or to see a favourite musician. When I have extra money, I love to go shopping for make-up or pampering products like bubble bath, body sprays, hair products or nail polish. Another thing I love to do is go and park my car in a quiet place when it’s raining and just watch the rain.

    All of these things, and some others, feed me physically, emotionally or psychologically, as does spending time with a beloved friend. Housework can also feel incredibly self-caring and soothing to me at times.



  119.  #120nyx on November 28, 2014 at 2:50 am

    Thanks, Indigo, you just gave me a whole lot of new things to use when I feel I need more peace and/or pleasure in my life. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Very valuable. ๐Ÿ™‚



  120.  #121Victoria on November 28, 2014 at 3:05 am

    Indigo, Nyx,
    May I share my best tip?
    That is, I do love chocolate, but in principle I stay away from sweets, and dark chololate is about the only food treat I allow myself when I am stressed/depressed, and it is lovely, in small doses.
    The top one self-care activity for me is exercise. I have learned through the years that nothing boosts my mood like an hour of good cardio.
    I go jogging, I do zumba, taebo, the gym, step aerobics, and if I can’t go out of the house, I play dance music and I dance for an hour.
    I have learned to do it regularly, and now it is a part of my routine, and when I am moody or depressed, I just do more.
    Number two for me is doing work. I love my job anyhow, but when I am moody/depressed I go the extra mile to make my colleagues and my boss happy.
    Number three is CDing. Do I need to say more :-).



  121.  #122Indigo on November 28, 2014 at 3:28 am

    Wow, Victoria

    You are like a superstar!

    When I feel moody/stressed/anxious I wish I could say it makes me more productive, but actually I become kind of immobilised, so I have to do small gentle things to get myself moving again.



  122.  #123Victoria on November 28, 2014 at 4:14 am

    Indigo,
    Being moody/depressed does not make me more productive either. But I have learnt not to let it immobilize me, I have learnt (yes it is a skill) to take prevertive measures. Life will always through us an occasional curve ball, and I have leart how to play it.
    Now this can also explain why not overfunctioning, leaning back, and just being without doing are such a challenge for me. But I will learn this too, I already am learning, and I am seeing the benefits of this different approach, when it comes to men.



  123.  #124Victoria on November 28, 2014 at 4:51 am

    Millie 115.
    I can relate to what you say about alchohol. I like the taste of alchohol (especially red wine) but I find it hard to limit myself to just one drink, and then if I drink, I tend to drink too much, as a result of which I feel worse emotionally and my stomach gets upset and I get acid reflux.
    Because of that, I have practically given up alchohol alogether since August. Well, not 100% because for example I shared a bottle of wine with a friend a couple of days ago, but now i would do this on a very very exceptional basis. And by the way, I did get the nasty reflux again, so I know for sure it was not worth it drinking that bottle with her, we would have had a great time either way.
    On your facebook guy – I need to share with you my impression that FB seems to work like an unnamed online dating service. If you are flirting with people from FB, you have to be aware that other people do the same. And, until you meet the guy, it is not real at all.



  124.  #125Mistea1 on November 28, 2014 at 5:12 am

    NYX 108 What helps me be more relaxed?

    I like to stop right where I am and just look. Last night as I was leaving the house I paused and looked up at the sky and saw the partial moon floating in and among the clouds, a few bright stars glittered nearby and I breathed it all in before stepping into the car.

    A few days ago I was in fairy land as I drove down the street under a canopy of snow covered branches and yellow leaves. I let my body take it in and delight in it.
    I don’t just see it. I feel it, smell it, taste it.

    I few weeks ago I went to a restaurant I hadn’t been to in many years in search of their tasty cheese dip. As I was feeling the creamy mixture in my mouth I wondered what MusicTd would taste like! Alas, I’ll probably never know, but now I let thoughts like that freely come and go in my mind.

    The music of course. I’m getting better about closing my eyes not thinking or analyzing just feeling the sound and the mood it’s evoking in my entire body. I’ve heard a number of people speak and write of the orgasmic feeling that can be evoked by certain music. I can vouch for that. I’m becoming a more feeling, sensing creature like a small child or my dog when he’s loping along with the wind flowing through his hair with his ears riding the waves.

    This is all something I used to have but which has been covered up by the years of care, job responsibilities, pushing it away and and being ‘too busy’ to pay attention to it. Now I know that it is essential to not let this go.



  125.  #126Sapphire on November 28, 2014 at 10:17 am

    I love reading what you sirens write. It puts me in touch with me and my soul.
    Xxx



  126.  #127Mistea1 on November 28, 2014 at 11:21 am

    Sirens, Well, I must say the lean back works very well, maybe too well.
    This MusicTd is not letting this go. Like Azure Blu said, We don’t want a little boy, I want to grow up from my 15 y.o. emotional self and I want someone who follows through on what they commit to. I worked on this on the long car trip I rode along on yesterday.

    Last time he was attempting to make coffee dates in front of me, letting me know that I’m on the outside and blowing off my project.

    In between I got the low down from a person who’s known him and his family a long time. i.e. wife dumped him, can’t stand him, blah, blah. He knew I talked to her as we were both at a reception.

    Today, MusicTd, was waiting for me in the hall and proceeded to tell me how much time he spent with his ex, and his family over the last day or so. Then a visit from a long time woman friend. “just so many to have time for all.” I got the dates he will be gone on lecture concert tour and the date of the big gala for him. He made sure I knew he would be coming back and keep his position at the church after all this.

    He’s been curious about my age. I reserve the right to be circuitous about that. So he asked how old my son was. Drat! I’m too honest, so now he knows.
    I too mentioned how I had an ex in the area and my male friend who comes from far away to visit every year or so. In addition, he didn’t act like a little boy but of course, no evidence of follow though on the project which he will have to pick up on his own. It feels to me as if he “doth protest too much.” When I could I just looked at him talking and feasted on his sexiness. What fun!

    I got to listen to him practice for 1.5 hours. So beautiful. I suppose he could play Happy Birthday and I would swoon. As far as I know I’m the only one who actually comes just to hear him practice. It enhances my enjoyment of the finished piece at the service.

    Well, I’m more calm about our encounters now. I’ve taken steps to make sure I don’t get sucked too deep into his energy field of the music but am letting the healing and beauty come through. If he tries using it as a weapon again I will withdraw again.

    I’m working on the ‘father abandonment’ issue and that is resolving nicely. I thought he would withdraw after I resolved this if his intent was to prey on women with a weakness about abandonment issues. Oh well, maybe that’s not it. But he still has to handle the step up to the plate issue. There is hope for me yet.

    My intent here is to be love, be kindness, be compassion, be tolerance, be patience without rancor and keep my boundaries firm. It’s so hard when my tender feelings are stepped on. I will say that this guy is probably my greatest teacher, after my children. Ok, all that’s my take, any comments welcome. Right now I am too close to all this. Thanks to all.



  127.  #128lovetodance on November 28, 2014 at 11:43 am

    My biggest comment Mistea1 is how impressed I feel with the tough and delicate work you have continued to do internally with this….

    I feel your healing is a beautiful and richly instructive process to witness and i thank you so much for being vunerable with all of us here on siren island

    I feel great siren strength from you!



  128.  #129Andrea on November 28, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Millie, Victoria, and Indigo.. gosh I really just appreciate all of what you three said. I feel as though together we are refining this notion, chipping away at the unnecessary.
    I really took to heart what you wrote Victoria about how sometimes the doing is about what brings you joy first. Shopping for your man, cooking etc… doing it because it makes you happy.
    I just kept feeling my little girly self saying, “Why can’t you DO (use your boy energy) to make me feel safe, happy, taken care of, shopped for, cooked for. Etc.”

    I’m a very boy energy, doing to get the job done, arranging, power house as well. And sometimes I feel like I have all this energy and no one to direct. But then I feel I’ve been ignoring my little girl voice for so long. I ignore here when she needs shoes, when she wants me to take the time to cook really good, nutritious food for her, when she wants me to write that piece I’d been suffering with and stop procrastinating, when she wants me to move away from some energy that is making her feel unsafe, etc..

    I’m going to start focusing on really honing in on using my boy energy to take care of me first. I’m going to start DOing in order to make me feel happy, safe, cared for, treasured, first. I have a feeling that that will keep me so busy…

    I read a book on feng shui and I took the time this morning to re-arrange my bedroom with lights and plants and lovely flower paintings and statues and then I pulled back the shades and felt so happy, light, fluffy, in my bedroom. My private doting on me domain. And I realized I’d never felt this way before about my bedroom. Like it’s such a safe, beautiful, personal sanctuary that someone else will really need to prove themselves worthy in order to enter into it.

    My space. Now I’m carrying that feeling of my space all around with me everywhere I go today and I just feel so safe. I feel quietly appealing, soft and peaceful. I love that I did that for myself.



  129.  #130Lotus on November 28, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Wow, I am feeling the radiance on siren island, how the air is breezing by and we hold a space for each other when the stormy waters take us off balance.

    98 Azure Blue – I love your visualisation and remember this tool from the e-book. I love the showering and cooking together with your man, how sexy. I have a fantasy about sex in the shower but haven’t dared voice it to the man of my desire yet (DP). I’ll have to revisit mine and see it clearer, although I’m not sure about crossing the two. I find either because my heart isn’t totally open or I don’t want to reveal things in case it makes it too easy for the man. So I’m leaning back and seeing what guys do, and enjoy being with them.

    I’m getting CDing more, as I turned down a date from a guy last minute even though he booked me in 2wks ago. It felt good to be honest about my feelings, that I felt awkward with the logistics. It was interesting to see how he would offer up a solution. It didn’t match up to what I wanted as he offered for me to stay in his hotel room and take me home the next day. It felt too much, and I didn’t feel excited to go to the wedding to meet him and either have choice of going to his room or spend money on a long taxi journey home. I felt like I was putting too much pressure on myself to just go on this date. I can go on dates which feel easier to me. I want to be wooed more, there was no phonecall, just a flurry of texts. It felt like good practice, I am feeling stronger to stay steady in myself and speak more truth, and then to tenderDP, when that time comes.

    I haven’t seen him for 3wks and it doesn’t feel good to hold out this weekend for him, but then he has a big man cold. I feel bored of it. I feel proud of myself for taking my power back, focusing on my own projects. How do we handle a man who has a big man cold, when it’s only been 3 months of dating, which has been tied into him making less effort…. less texts when he was a man of action..

    I will make more energy happiness for myself next week, have missed dancing and running since I hurt my ankle, bt it’s pretty cold in the UK at the mo. Just feel like curling up by an imaginary fireplace with an imaginary dog, and look at its beautiful face and feel its soft fur. aaaahhh

    FW – 63 and Victoria 61.
    I agree about EMK. I feel turned off with his tone, it’s the same with David Wygnant. I enjoyed their blogs when searching for answers, but when I open my inbox in the morning, it’s like receiving a little slap in my face ‘Wake up you stupid woman. Why you are still single. Listen to me. I am bold and speak the truth’. Uck. I am single because I choose to be, because I want to take my time to work on myself and feel more grounded, before I can dance fully in the joy of my new partner… and perhaps until the string of estranged husband falls away, cos I’ve danced so far away.
    I am trying to stay strong and keep my heart open, so that it will keep opening to receive the love I deserve.
    Amen. Peace. Love. HUrrah.



  130.  #131Andrea on November 28, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    And I get to work this afternoon, pull up to my desk, and who should walk in the lobby and head straight toward my desk… RRguy.

    And me, I tried to drink my coffee but my hands were shaking. He said, “Hey,” all bright and smiley and, Wow you look beautiful and how was your Thanksgiving. And my heart was in my throat and I couldn’t speak. I smiled big smiles because that’s what happens to me when I see him.

    And he said, “Why don’t you want to talk to me? I tried to text you and left messages. Did something happen to your phone?”

    I shook my head no. And I just sat there shaking and feeling how attracted I am to him and feeling so much like I wanted to run to him and hug him and have him kiss me and tell me he’s sorry for not being able to be the man that is my True One.

    I said, “Honestly, I feel such a surge of emotion right now and it’s all frenetic that I just don’t want to talk. So, I’m not going to.”

    So then he said some other things and he said, “I’m going to text you.” And then he walked away.

    He came back through the lobby again later and I was busy with another guest. Now, nothing.

    I feel him. Or… I should say, I feel the intensity of everything that I want, wish, desire. And I feel a deep sadness with in me that all of that is not happening NOW. And I feel joy that I have all those feelings, that I have that electric impulse rushing through me. I feel relieved that I’m not angry at him, or blaming him, or making him responsible for my emotions. I feel sitting back, staying busy with my stuff, I feel resolved to take care of my work and possibly not ever see him again, clock out, go home and curl up into my beautiful, private, space and love myself for accepting what is right now and for not trying to force something out of a situation that just can’t be right now. And not settling for anything less than what I really want. And being okay with the fact that what I really want is not in the works exactly right now, but I know… trusting, I feel solid and grounded, it will come. I promise ME. It will come.



  131.  #132Daria on November 28, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    im felling happy happy happy ๐Ÿ™‚

    and now off to do stuff for Me like Andrea



  132.  #133Mistea1 on November 28, 2014 at 6:53 pm

    I have had a chance to think about this some more. Somehow he is thinking I will now pursue him. (because he is so popular with the family?) We talked a couple minutes more then he said he had to go practice. I’m thinking ‘yes, go practice so I can listen.” I know he’s just telling me a bunch of crap anyway. To paraphrase Victoria, shall I shoot myself now or later? I guess I’ll keep observing him dig himself deeper and see if he realizes what is going on. I must be getting better, I am becoming my old cynical self.



  133.  #134Victoria on November 28, 2014 at 6:56 pm

    Andrea,
    So he is back … This is what leaning back does, isn’t it?
    What are you going to do now? What am I going to do?
    He calls and he says, whats up baby, why did you not return my call? And I come up with a lame excuse and I am acting to make it sound real and get frustrated for not being brave to tell him I feel like pouting and that I don’t want another lame date, and if he makes me so feel like is making so little effort to win me over I will just not play along and I am having a mental dialogue with him in which he tells me so what I am not doing enough, I am not enough for you, then go ahead and dump me you little bi*ch who is stopping you?



  134.  #135Victoria on November 28, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    What drives me nuts is that he knows this is subpar behavior he knows he is giving me less than he would be if he was sure I was his forever woman and I am asking myself a line from a Beyonce song, Why, why don’t you love me, when I make myself so easy to love?



  135.  #136Victoria on November 28, 2014 at 7:15 pm

    It is day 29 of my no lean forward diet, and I feel so hungry from this diet it is like I am on a real food diet and yes I have lost weight and look better but I am so hungry that I can’t sleep at night. And I am thinking just 2 more days and my diet shall be over and I can have a full meal (massive overfunctioning in which I throw myself at him with all my force). And then I also know that if I do that all the weight I lost in this month will be back faster than I can say I am crazy for you. And I know if I want to stay slimmer this has to be my way of life now, no overfuncioning, never. It has been so difficult to get myself to CD – i was at a restaurant last night with Boring CD and I was looking at the happy couples on the other tables – the beautiful women, all dressed up and radiating charm to their men who were visibly courting them and I was envious and then I realized I am with a man too but I am not feeling like it is romantic or anything and I feel I do not measure up to these smiling pretty women…



  136.  #137Andrea on November 28, 2014 at 7:53 pm

    Ah Victoria.. you and me!! Argh!!
    Well, here’s what I’m doing.
    I’m panicking. He’s come through the lobby twice now and simply said “hello” and walked by and then back to his room.
    I’m running a tape through my head that goes something like this: Oh my god! I need to let him know that I still want him. I need to tell him I’m sorry for not giving him attention. I need to smile at him, to lean toward the front of my desk, to flirt when he walks by. He’s leaving again tonight and I haven’t had a chance to explain myself. I need to explain myself. I need to let him know what my problem was with him and etc etc etc… He thinks I don’t have feelings for him but I do, I just want more from him. I want him to call me when he’s home in his own town. I want him to convince me that he is really single and he only wants to be with me. I want him to make me feel secure and loved and treasured and and and…

    Then I stop and I breathe. Twice now I’ve let him meander through. I have looked up from my computer and smiled at him like I would smile at any guest and I have let him walk away.

    I riffed something like this: Andrea I LOVE YOU. I’M the one who loves you. Love.. my love.. is real. It doesn’t cause a panic, it doesn’t cause this insecurity. And love doesn’t happen by force and I want real love and it doesn’t come with explaining, it doesn’t come with me saying anything. I didn’t have to do anything, work anything, explain anything to get ME to Love ME. And I want this kind of love.
    I feel the panic and then I question the panic because fear is not real. It only seems real. Love is Real.
    My REAL love is right here, in my little circle of space right here around my body. And it causes me peace.

    That fake chemistry, manufactured and insecure and unsafe, is out there and I need to chase it, talk to it, convince it to be different, convince it to see things my way, convince it to give me attention. And in the end it just doesn’t feel good. It never leads to inner peace. It might lead to sex, a good date here and then, that ego boost that I’m in control of something. But it never leads to Real Love.

    So, I’m leaving it alone. When he wants to share in this love with me, he’ll come toward me. When he comes toward me, if I’m happy with him, I’ll let him in. And none of that will happen with me talking, explaining, convincing, moving toward, leaning forward.

    So I’m typing on this board to stay sane, cause this too is where the real love is, in my sanity. And if I go home and hug my daughters and crawl into my sanctuary with out having heard from him again… I’ll be okay. I know I will.

    This isn’t about getting a man, for me, it’s about finding true love.. maybe it’s more about BEING true love.

    Argh.. but I still feel those feelings of loss and pain and regret. Argh.



  137.  #138Indigo on November 28, 2014 at 10:34 pm

    Victoria,

    I love the way you write! It’s so sharp but you also make me laugh ๐Ÿ™‚



  138.  #139Indigo on November 28, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    Andrea,

    I’M WITH YOU.

    “Andrea I LOVE YOU. Iโ€™M the one who loves you. Love.. my love.. is real. It doesnโ€™t cause a panic, it doesnโ€™t cause this insecurity. And love doesnโ€™t happen by force and I want real love and it doesnโ€™t come with explaining, it doesnโ€™t come with me saying anything. I didnโ€™t have to do anything, work anything, explain anything to get ME to Love ME. And I want this kind of love.”

    I have drafted two emails to D in the last 2 days, one of them woke me up at 4 am this morning needing to be written. Emails filled with everything I want to say, everything I want to explain, filled with truth yes… but I realized once I’d written them that I’d run out of energy. I felt deflated. I’d poured all the words out of my heart and soul onto the page, and that was enough. I didn’t need to send them (although I imagine in the beginning I was entertaining thoughts of sending them). But I realized that once I’d got all the words out I could just save them somewhere. I don’t need to say all those words to him. I don’t need to lean forward like that.

    When it’s real love, as you say, he will be coming towards him and I will see if I want to accept him or not. I don’t need to explain all this stuff. Real love doesn’t come by force or explaining.

    It felt icky while I was writing, and once I’d finished, all that energy gushing forward. But that’s ok, I got it all out onto the page, I did this for me, because I needed to.

    And then I wanted to return to my calm, safe cocoon, my sanctuary. I have a beautiful, big, airy bedroom with baby blue walls and lots of windows, and I realized I just want to read my book and go about my self-loving day. I just want to stay in this safe cocoon where I love myself and not be reaching forward for someone to love me.



  139.  #140Indigo on November 28, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    * coming towards you

    Yes. I want the love you speak about Andrea & Victoria. Love that feels safe and secure, love that is not forced, love that comes because he knows I am his forever woman. I don’t want less than that. I know that now, maybe I’ve always known it… but I don’t want to effort it, work it, explain it or in any way “do” it into existence. I want it to be like the love I have for myself. There just because I am me.



  140.  #141lovetodance on November 28, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    andrea…

    you are doing a mammoth job of staying with yourself!

    keep doing all the lovely things for yourself that you can….you are doing such good for you….



  141.  #142Emerson on November 28, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    hi sirens
    i feel thAnkful for my parents

    i still miss having that special someone, but im trying to accept that i might be single forever



  142.  #143Mistea1 on November 29, 2014 at 3:20 am

    Lovetodance, Thanks for your comments. I appreciate and respect your input. This parallel process is not easy and is a life or death issue for me. MusicTd is merely a catalyst although a very tempting one. It would be so much easier if it were straight forward. But then what is the essence of life if not contradiction and paradox?



  143.  #144Mistea1 on November 29, 2014 at 3:39 am

    Andrea, Indigo and Victoria, I have been reading all your conversations with much interest. You are all my ideals of who I want to be when I grow up! I too want to be that autonomous love fulfilled person who is so much there is plenty to share with all she meets and have that special man who comes willingly to bask forever in the shade of her loving arms. Good job Sirens!



  144.  #145Victoria on November 29, 2014 at 3:52 am

    Mistea dearest,
    It is so sweet what you say to us. I am not sure I am a good role model (but I am sooo flattered by you, I am blushing and have a huge grin over my face :-).
    The story I tell myself about my own life is that I am an overachiever with all the pluses and minuses of that… But I dearly love myself, and I am pretty fine with who I am.
    That being said, I either attract morons, or men are such in principle and there is nothing else for me to do…
    I am talking to B (short for boring) and he sais there is this dinner party at my golf club would you like us to go… And I say sure even though I am not overexcited but hey this is cd-ing so why not. And then, he says, no, actually, its probably just be boring there, I will check if these friends are going too and if not, then we shall not go.
    To quote you paraphrasing me, hehe, shall I shoot myself now or later?



  145.  #146Indigo on November 29, 2014 at 4:31 am

    Mistea,

    “I too want to be that autonomous love fulfilled person who is so much there is plenty to share with all she meets and have that special man who comes willingly to bask forever in the shade of her loving arms.”

    One thing I personally have experienced is that Circular Dating shows you what that looks like, and it shows you how to do it. Even though I have taken a break from Circular Dating actual men because I simply feel tired and done with it and I have nothing to give them. I still have men texting me, contacting me on an almost daily basis, wanting to give to me, wanting to do for me. I am very comfortable with saying no thanks, but it does show me regularly how it’s supposed to be.



  146.  #147Andrea on November 29, 2014 at 5:57 am

    Ahhh… I love that vision Mistea. I adore the way you put words to our vision. I love how we, together are all stripping it down to the basics. “This IS what I want.”

    Well, I got off my shift at 11:00 pm last night. RRguy sent me a text just half hour before saying, “I don’t want to be too much of a bother to you, but how is your work day going?”

    I thought that was very sweet and I replied back, “Oh I feel so warm and happy that you reached out to me just now. Thank you. My day is actually going very well.”

    Then he texted something quick about wanting to get home and I didn’t hear anything else from him.

    I actually felt a surge of… what would it be… relief? I don’t know.. odd, but I felt like I just want home and bed and safety and not swimming around in these murky waters of having all these emotions tying me up in knots and not knowing what to do about them.

    A part of me felt like: Just great! Since I didn’t run the show, I’m now going home alone. I know if I would have flirted and fanagled and chased him a little bit, he would have been in my arms, in my bed, and I would have been able to quell the loneliness for one more night.

    I drove home alone and cried and let myself feel all the regret and what I deem to be a kind of rejection. Then I got home and I went up to my sanctuary and I realized…
    Oh My! Thanks for the cry, but I really, in all deep true honesty, I don’t want him up here. This is MY space. MY space and only someone who loves me as much as I love myself gets entry into MY place.

    And I hugged my daughter and ate some comfort food and then I went to bed, you know?? kind of happy.

    I feel grateful this morning and energetic and full of hope. I feel wonderful actually and clean.

    I was thinking about this CD as a lesson, one of my best and favorite lessons, I feel like he’s in my life to really scrape the gunk, all of that stuff that’s been clinging to my insides from years and years of self abandonment and self abuse. It took a couple of years to get through the heavy stuff, the stuff that was easy to see, now I’m honing in on the hidden stuff, letting all the hidden greasy stuff rise to the top so I can just skim it right off the surface. ooooohhhh I feel all loving toward myself.

    Now is when I need those Rori Tools that come from some of the other programs. Now I feel ready to concentrate on loving me. I’m excited for the next phase.



  147.  #148Yvette on November 29, 2014 at 8:06 am

    I feel angry with myself.
    I feel rough and pushy. I feel hard.
    I want to feel relaxed and grounded when a man speaks to me, when he notices me.
    I feel calm, he looks.
    I feel like my whole body is icy and electric, I look away so fast it hasnโ€™t even registered whats happened. I find myself looking away.
    My heart is racing. I feel shakey.
    I feel relieved. I feel frightened of him.
    I feel so helpless that I feel this way!
    Bared teeth. Seething, hot wet molten fuck, whereโ€™d it go? My anger froze and dropped. Disappeared. This apologetic uncertain space โ€“UGH! Damn it! Come on!
    I want his attention.
    I feel anxious, my heart and the front of my chest feel jittery and wet. This space in front of my body feels quivered and sickly, white and yellow. I feel sad that I feel this way.
    Lean back. Ughhh yuck this feels so stiff and electric.
    Supercharged and Empty. Liquid matrix, my whole space jangling.
    Lean back, lurch forward. DANGER!
    I can hear myself crying. I can feel the pads of my palms cool and clear. I feel relieved that my repsonses are moving.
    Why isnt he moving forward?
    I donโ€™t understand what Iโ€™m doing wrong.
    I want to feel relaxed.
    I feel hot and disappointed. My heart feels heavy and tender.
    I want my attention on myself.
    I feel spacey and grey when I focus on myself.
    My vision feels unfocused, cloudy.
    I feel disconnected. I feel far away from myself.
    I feel sorry I havenโ€™t listened to myself for so long.
    I want to listen to myself
    I feel afraid Iโ€™ll mess up, or fail.
    Hard. Rocks scraping. Heavy and stagnant, slow.
    I want to feel my heartbeat.
    I feel hard against these feelings.
    I feel afraid. I feel sweat on my palms and heat in my face, my neck muscles ache ughh..
    I feel like Iโ€™m cracking and I feel sturdier than when Iโ€™m far away from myself.
    Will these emotional muscles get bigger?
    What if Iโ€™m doing it wrong?
    God I hope one of the coaches sees this. I want to know if Iโ€™m doing this right.
    I want to help myself.
    Iโ€™m taking up too much room.
    What will the other women think.
    I bet theyโ€™ll get mad and think down on me.
    I should contribute more. I feel angry.
    I want my space. Oh god I want my space. Mine all mine. I want myself. I want me. Powerful.
    I got put together with a lot of generosity and care. I feel grateful. I feel blessed. I feel magic. I feel flow. Wow I feel water.



  148.  #149lovetodance on November 29, 2014 at 9:00 am

    online dating experiences…WOW is what i can say now….

    feel like mini soap opera episodes

    like the beginning middle and end of a love affair the readers digest version

    one just never knows who one is dealing with

    i am exploring being vunerable with lots of feeling messages…with someone who also has seemed vunerable…..

    when i felt it was moving too fast and i felt uncomfortable he understood and slowed down…when i expressed i felt we needed to know more of each other…he understood…

    so when i told him more about myself …my spiritual leanings, my political leanings…he poofed….

    what i don’t understand is…when one has forged a delicate and tender trust by telling the truth….why cannot the other person….be loving enough to say…thank you…and i see altho there are qualities that are beautiful and i like….that we are not a match…

    this is me wanting things to be as i would like…and things are just as they are…

    it just makes me weary and wary in the open and vunerable department….

    it was feeling so good…unzipping my heart..and i don’t think i was crazy stupidly unzipping…

    this is the kind of reactions that got me to zipping up real closed to begin with

    i know there are lessons here and i am digesting and am determined not to fall back to old distrustful pattern. the place i want to be is fertile and juicy and confident and vibrant…because i am all that!



  149.  #150lovetodance on November 29, 2014 at 10:14 am

    still riffing….

    i know these are good experiences for me….

    honing, refining, exploring, feeling, identifying

    helping me see what i want, what i don’t have to stick around for, what i don’t want…

    keeping listening to me….

    many men messaging….and that is good….

    just learning how much to invest in who i pick to interact with….

    wanting to hold the little girl, the adolescent, the teenager inside and let them know they are safe with me…that whoever i let interact with me…what i feel and say….no matter how they respond or not….does not have a reflection
    on our worth, beauty, wonderfullness….

    this experience this time around is full of rich learning…i am less afraid of rejection and more interested in who i pick…how i respond…how i stay in my soft and strong and experiment with feeling messages…keeping me authentic….giving me an opportunity to practice this state of being….

    a state of being i was always in as a young beautiful woman….as a young beautiful girl….now learning to interweave it with the mature beautiful savvy sexy wise and warm woman….



  150.  #151April Rose on November 29, 2014 at 11:12 am

    “โ€ฆ you will CREATE LOVE every single dayโ€ฆ

    โ€ฆ and THAT is what will attract the right man to youโ€ฆ

    โ€ฆ and inspire him into a lifelong devotion.

    And you will magnetize the Right Man to you through your radiance, your ability to make him feel like your hero, your ability to express your needs in a way that makes him eager to serve you โ€ฆ”

    This is from an e-mail from Adam Gilad promoting his program ‘Intimacy University’.



  151.  #152April Rose on November 29, 2014 at 11:30 am

    Andrea,

    I am so mightily impressed and inspired by you. It seems only a matter of days since you wrote “I am in love with this man. I know I am”.

    How beautifully you have reversed the emotional investment, and brought it back into yourself. I did not know how you were going to do that, but you have succeeded. And so gracefully.



  152.  #153Indigo on November 29, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    lovetodance 148,

    Your riffing is lovely.

    May I ask, had you met this man? The reason I ask is because remember, until you have met it is all imaginary and I would encourage you not to read too much into it. You really have no idea why he poofed, and that’s the thing when you haven’t met – you just don’t know.

    That said, a suggestion which you may discard if it doesn’t fit, is that I’ve found that those “heavy” discussions about spirituality and politics are best left until you do know each other. It’s not that you need to be fake when you’re just emailing, but it seems to often work best if it’s kept light and flirty until you actually do meet. Just what I’ve found.



  153.  #154Indigo on November 29, 2014 at 10:11 pm

    What I mean is that keeping it light initially seems to open up breathing space and safety… where someone who doesn’t know you and is maybe trying to make a good impression doesn’t feel like they have to defend their beliefs.



  154.  #155Femininewoman on November 30, 2014 at 4:44 am

    Thanks for sharing those inspiring Adam Gilad’s words April.



  155.  #156Andrea on November 30, 2014 at 5:39 am

    I agree FW. I popped over to his website and ooooo I feel intimidated. At some point I may try to read some of his stuff. Wouldn’t it be fun to meet a man who is learning from AG, being a woman who is learning from RR? : )

    And thank you as well April Rose for the vote of confidence. Everything feels new. I keep telling myself that just because this feels uncomfortable does not mean it is wrong. I think there is conflict coming up between my old way of “running” things and this new of simply allowing.

    I came down to my vehicle this morning and found a note from an old cd attached to my windshield. It said, “stopped by to say hi but I couldn’t connect. See ya soon.”

    And I thought, “Wow! My fortress is impenetrable. Only I have the power to LET someone in.” He must have stopped by later at night when I was already asleep and not paying attention to my phone.

    I feel really good about that. And it was a lesson for me. No one gets in, unless I allow them in. That doesn’t mean I’m shut off, or pushing away, or blocked. It means, I have a safe, precious space that is vital to my existence and that is held with such love and tenderness for me, that when I’m there, I’m not needing anything else. When I’m there I’m happy.

    And if he want me, you’ll have to present yourself to me, and let me lovingly check myself to see if I’m ready and willing to share my space.

    Now the work for me is to make that space even more creative, beautiful, expansive, soft, to concentrate on my space..



  156.  #157Indigo on November 30, 2014 at 8:05 am

    Sirens,

    I am thinking of disabling my Facebook account. Whilst it provides some moments of pleasure, the truth is that it makes me feel negative more than it makes me feel positive. It makes me feel inadequate, and my normal modus operandi when I feel that way is not to interrogate whatever it is, but to simply move away from the thing that is making me feel that way.

    I honestly yearn for a simpler life. For the life I had 14 or 15 years ago. I read an article recently about celebrities who had disabled their social media accounts and I honestly felt a bit envious as I read it.

    What do you sirens think?



  157.  #158Victoria on November 30, 2014 at 8:40 am

    Soooo,
    He is not stepping up. I was distant (leaning back) on Friday, consequently, no contact from him, and since I ignored his love note last saturday, i did not get one this week. Sad face. I am spending the weekend with another cd, but really miss him.
    I am wondering what he is doing, what he is thinking. I know I should not. This is all he can give me now, and it is Nothing.



  158.  #159Andrea on November 30, 2014 at 8:42 am

    I was thinking along the same lines Indigo. I started to get video and news media on my feedpage that was so negative and awful.
    I have deleted my account before and regretted the loss of all of my pictures and the pages and groups that I liked.
    This time around I decided not to delete my account but to take control over the info that came in. I first deleted all of the people who were not actual friends. I kept only my family members and close female friends.

    Then I changed all of my notifications to none, I put my home page on private viewing for friends only, and I limited the people who could contact me through facebook to friends of friends only.

    Now when I go to my facebook newsfeed I have only positive messages, pictures and contact with my family, and my close female friends are close because they like the same things I like. I get those positive message posts a lot.

    My account feels so yummy to me now. I know that when I want a shot of positivity and connectivity I can go there and my browsing makes me feel good.

    I think, for me, it was another lesson in simply creating the space that I want, not shutting anyone out, not blocking anyone, just focusing on what I want in my energy flow.

    I ended up going from over three hundred “friends” to family and “Real” friends only of 70. Even 70 people in my energy field seems like a lot, but I do have a huge family.



  159.  #160Andrea on November 30, 2014 at 8:46 am

    Oh, and I took facebook and facebook messaging off of my i.phone. That way I’m not getting notifications on my phone while I’m busy with other aspects of my life. Instead, when I choose to go to my facebook account, I am in the facebook frame of mind. I am sitting at my computer. I know what I’m looking for and I consciously decide to facebook.
    The other way around, I was getting prompted through out the day with no control over it. (kind of like thoughts and emotions that just zoop into my awareness)

    I think it’s a good practice in being conscious. Managing my sacred space. (what’s a better word for managing???)



  160.  #161Victoria on November 30, 2014 at 9:05 am

    Andrea and Indigo,
    I think having an FB is part of being modern (my parents are computer illiterate so they have none).
    This being said, I have 20 friends, I never post, and I open it once a week. This is what works for me. By the way, most of the men on my friend list are former boyfriends… But they are like deeply in the past.



  161.  #162Dominique on November 30, 2014 at 11:22 am

    Indigo – If it wasn’t for my business, I likely would not have FB, yet if it wasn’t for FB, I wouldn’t have met and created the many wonderful relationships I have with some amazing, like hearted women, some in person, some not. The negative stuff I pass over quickly, and I turn my focus to what feels good.

    xxoo



  162.  #163lovetodance on November 30, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    andrea….
    about facebook….i deleted my account about 6 months ago…altho i miss staying in the loop with a few important circles in my life….but have found it much healthier to have this ‘facebook’ time back to my time….

    i felt drawn into some cliques that didn’t serve me and also watching the activity of some others that didn’t serve me either…

    i felt/feel liberated!



  163.  #164lovetodance on November 30, 2014 at 1:10 pm

    indigo 153 and 153

    thank you for your feedback loving siren!

    this has and continues to be such an exercise for me….

    because i am practicing being open….i have been curious and interacted with some men that in my ‘usual’ state of being i would have written off immediately…..

    one part of me is judging me as quite naive…another part of is allowing and protecting this new baby part of me…to see where it takes me…

    the man who poofed i had not met….nor is he in my part of the country….but i let myself try on his ardor and desire for closeness….i was already his ‘queen’ which i tried to deal with in feeling messages saying…as graciously as possible….’are you kidding?’

    when we are learning ….if we allow ourselves…i guess we fall all over ourselves to learn what we already know yet know we need to learn another way too….

    i learned something so valuable with this particular cd…..yes i would like to be adored and protected and thought of as someone’s queen….to be in their conciousness always and for them to need me quite close….you see i haven’t been sure if i ever wanted that again….and lo and behold thro this specific interaction….i found that part of me again….



  164.  #165lovetodance on November 30, 2014 at 1:12 pm

    ….continuing….

    i also realized that i got very anxious to let him know where i stood politically and spiritually because it was evident we were at opposite poles…..now i would handle that differently….with more lightness and simplicity…

    thank you indigo for your suggestions…i always appreciate your wisdom….



  165.  #166nyx on November 30, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    @ Misteal 125

    Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚
    I have been listening to music tonight, it has been very relaxing. And I, too, feel that nature sometimes seems all magical, especially when there is mist… or thunder and lightning, and heavy raining, and I sit inside, feeling so safe and cosy and amazed…



  166.  #167Indigo on November 30, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    Andrea & Victoria,

    I have tried restricting what comes into my Facebook feed – I’m not friends with anyone I don’t know quite well and I don’t get contacted that much by outsiders… and I certainly don’t get the notifications to my phone. I manage what “comes into” Facebook feed quite well, so it’s not really that.

    It’s more how I experience it. I find myself addicted and glued to it for hours, searching for tidbits, and so much of it just feels bad. I never used to be like this, I used to spend hours reading books or playing with my horse, instead of drawn into this online world which strangely seems to trigger all kinds of things. I just feel as if no one is a mystery any more – and not in a good way.

    I know all kinds of strange, icky information about exes, and I can so easily feel inadequate about all of it. And then wonder why I feel inadequate, or berate myself for feeling inadequate. It’s all very strange.

    But mostly, I think, I resent the time and energy Facebook takes away from my real life. For many people it’s become a substitute for real friendships. I barely see these people any more. It’s become like an anemic world where I’m starving for real interaction, and Facebook is reminding me of everything I don’t have.

    Maybe it is just my introverted and sensitive personality which perceives it all this way, but Facebook really does make me feel bad and neglected more than it makes me feel good and connected. I long for a life which is a lot simpler, which is about living life rather than simply experiencing it online.



  167.  #168Indigo on November 30, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    Dominique,

    I hear you ๐Ÿ™‚ I think if I were in your line of work or gaining those rich friendships I would feel as you do.

    I also think that if I were married, and had a stable secure forever home life it would be easier as well. I think I’d feel fortified against some of the little ways Facebook pokes and prods at me, or maybe it wouldn’t trigger me so much. I think if I was in a committed relationship with my forever man nothing would feel so bad. But unfortunately I often feel as if I am bombarded by reminders that I don’t want to see. Little things, but they trigger me in ways which don’t feel good.

    I feel as if Facebook is something I might return to when I know who I am, when I am settled and secure and in the love relationship I want for life, when I am more happy and stable in my life. Then, I think I would be able to do as you do – let in the positive and discard what doesn’t feel good. Now, however, I find myself using Facebook to “stalk” people – this is not me, and yet I find myself being drawn into this. I don’t like it.

    I think I just long to return to a world of emails and phone calls. It feels so much better to me somehow.

    I wish I had the many beautiful, like hearted online female friendships that you have. As I say, maybe one day I will return to Facebook and maybe one day I will have them!

    x



  168.  #169Zia on November 30, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    Hullo ladies! Today I’m feeling anxious and I’m feeling insecure. And I’m using every tool in my arsenal to sit with those feelings and see how I can change them, without projecting my insecurities and anxieties onto others.

    At the very base level of that is “in the end I always have me”



  169.  #170Mistea1 on November 30, 2014 at 4:48 pm

    Victoria 145 Excellent! Loving self is the place to start, me too. Then do we put up with anything less in our social lives?

    Indigo 146 Interesting on the Cding I’ve made a few poor attempts but you are right it showed me a different perspective.

    Andrea 147 Sounds like short term discomfort for a greater good. Emotions, taking care of self. I feel the same and I’ve been facing the rejection knowing that as my mirror I’m rejecting myself. Cds as a lesson – some of these are right up there with our children as our greatest teachers! I feel excited for your next phase too. and 156 ‘Impenetrable fortress’ good for you for making it beautiful too, an extension of your developing inner beauty.

    Victoria 158 Rori says give him time and space to step up/forward etc. maybe need some more?

    NYX 166 glad to know you are joining in the magic. Rumi (I think) said something to the effect of “over there is a field to play, come, I’ll join you there.” I suppose one could imagine one’s ‘magical man’ there as well. Hmmm?

    Well, my 30 day lean back is done. He did actually stop me in the hall the other day but it was to defend what he thought the friend of mine told me about him at the reception. I suppose it wasn’t the most masterful move I’ve made. After all, we were sitting in the same room as him. But, darn it, I wasn’t getting anything about him or from him. Who is this guy? Is he interested or isn’t he?

    Well, he must have been pretty steamed about it as he ignored me in the social hall on the weekend, then the hall talk later in the week which was a combination of exchanging factoids about ex’es, children and how we both have a pretty full schedule of friends and acquaintances. I guess, according to him he was setting the record straight.

    Then he made sure I knew the schedule of the lecture/concert tour and the gala (another concert) date. Then he was coming back after that to keep his position at the church. Huh? Why should he care that I know all this? He could just ignore me.

    Then I got the talk about how he has to have the concert material 90% memorized and, in addition, this place has a big music program for the holidays. I totally get it. It was disconcerting to me though for him to not even make an appearance in the hall after the service. I’m still not approaching him at all. If I see him I nod and smile that’s all. This means he’ll be back for good in February.

    This one is right up there with my children for being one of my greatest teachers. I’m looking at Byron Katie’s site for help with my ‘stuff’.

    I guess, don’t shoot me because if you believe in it I’ll have to come back and have another chance to get it right!
    All right Sirens thanks for all your support and the best to you all.



  170.  #171Beloved on November 30, 2014 at 5:16 pm

    Andrea – how do you feel about words like cultivating, nurturing, tending and/or stewarding your sacred space? <3



  171.  #172Indigo on November 30, 2014 at 8:59 pm

    Lovetodance,

    I love what you’ve said in 163. That is how I feel!



  172.  #173Victoria on December 1, 2014 at 12:06 am

    So, ladies,
    happy 1st December!
    This is the end of my 30 day no-lean forward diet, and the beginning of the no-lean forward for the rest of my life.
    He called me this morning, after ignoring me over the weekend, and he sounds soooo hungry for me. I see clearly that he was cold to me in response to me being cold to him, and that it must have cost him even more pain and effort than what it cost me to contain myself.
    The bottom line is, leaning back has been difficult, and unnatural, and annoying, but it is so much better than leaning forward, and feeling like I am overfunctioning, and giving too much, and suffocating him with my love, cooking and gifts. I am taking these to other people, friends and acquaintances, undeserving as they might be, I would rather give away my everything to strangers, than put myself again in a position in which I give to him, and expect to receive back, and get nothing.
    This way, I know I am not getting things from him because I am not giving him anything. I like myself better this way.
    I promise you, my dear friends, and I promise myself, I will never ever chase him again. I will make no plans, give no suggestions, offer no back-rubs, etc. unless he begs. And I will be CDing like crazy, with whoever comes my way.
    And, as Andrea said, I will be decorating my home (which is already very beautiful) and I will be taking equisite care of my body because this is the home of my love and all my emotions. This is the plan. I do not have a goal, but I have a plan. Isn’t it amazing ๐Ÿ™‚ ?



  173.  #174Victoria on December 1, 2014 at 12:16 am

    @ Indigo 167,

    If you are feeling so triggered by FB, it seems well reasoned to stop using it altogether. You can always make a new account, it’s not like it’s going away any time soon.
    I don’t get triggered myself at all by it, probably because I know it is such a charade. People put there what they want other people to see, and it can be so far from the truth, that it is actually funny.
    A guy I used to date has all these pictures of his wife and kids and keeps exchanging loving messages with her on FB, and at the same time has been calling and sending messages like crazy and trying to get me to go out with him and spend time with him hoping for a little hook-up. I just laught it off, it is so ridiculous that it does not even bother me.



  174.  #175Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 12:42 am

    Victoria 173,

    I love this post of yours! It is the same direction I am heading, little by little.



  175.  #176Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 12:50 am

    Victoria 174,

    If you’ll allow me to riff a little (more) here:

    I, too, see it for the charade that it is. What it boils down to is that I used to be part of quite a large group of friends (that is how I met D) and I am since no longer part of this group, for a number of reasons. Sure I would love to be invited to the occasional party by them but that’s not the way it is, and I realise that is probably for the best. For me it really is just too triggering to be constantly reminded of friendships and relationships which were once a prominent part of my life which are no longer. I feel like it is unnatural to have all those reminders in my face all the time. It doesn’t feel good, it doesn’t feel self-loving, it makes me feel inadequate. Simplicity seems to feel a lot more natural and a lot better to me.

    As you say, I can always open another account some time in the future ๐Ÿ™‚



  176.  #177Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 12:52 am

    I’ve finally realised that in order for me to have a happy life I need to be willing to say goodbye to things that do not serve me, and choose the things which are going to make me feel happy, calm and good.



  177.  #178Victoria on December 1, 2014 at 1:03 am

    Indigo,
    your riffing is very welcome.
    Would you like to tell me how are things with D?



  178.  #179Victoria on December 1, 2014 at 2:33 am

    Indigo,
    I was thinking about you saying ” in order to have a happy life…”.
    I wish it was as easy as letting some things go and closing some doors.
    I have been thinking a lot about what makes people happy. My short answer is: people make other people happy. And unhappy, for that matter.
    Otherwise, there are lots of theories, and books.
    A book I liked is Delivering Happiness – google it – it is not phylosophical but more business oriented and has some very interesting conclusions in the end.



  179.  #180Sophie on December 1, 2014 at 3:02 am

    Beloved – I love the word stewarding – it is maybe more masculine sounding than the others but that’s what I need – to really protect my inner sanctuary that is me and my outer one that is my life

    Indigo – I feel genuinely grateful that I somehow managed to either delete or hide any facebook people or statuses that felt triggering. I like facebook for how I can connect with others on there. Lots of people delete their accounts for awhile though, don’t they – I see it all the time. If it feels unhappy or uncomfortable more than pleasurable it seems sensible.

    Andrea – I feel so inspired by the way you explain your process – I can relate to it, the way you explain. It feels so uncomfortable when we are holding ourselves back and behaving in ways that feel counterintuitive but if we can just stay with that we do burst through. I need to remember this. I am so quick to react but really it just takes time, then more time, then more time, then the powerful uncomfortableness passes completely

    The powerful uncomfortableness has passed with Young CD and I have no desire to contact him, or hear from him – I need to remember this any time I’m in the powerful uncomfortableness – that it passes – not in my time but in time nonetheless. He’ll inevitably contact me now I don’t care … have been taking inspiration from here though how to manage that…whether I actually can or not is another matter

    Feeling a bit small and insecure today – lots of uncertainty around my money as I’m supposed to be leaving Thailand on thurs to go to Malaysia but I’m still waiting on my bank card arriving. And I’m overdue a payment I need from my house agents and I’m feeling really frustrated with the time difference and slow responses to enquiries. I feel frustrated to tears … but I’m tired and I know to treat myself accordingly, extra gently.

    Hi Zia

    Congratulations Mistea and Victoria on your 30 days ๐Ÿ™‚

    Lovetodance it feels nice to hear what’s been happening in your life



  180.  #181Andrea on December 1, 2014 at 3:50 am

    Beloved, yes. Thank-you. All of those words resonate better with me than “managing”. I like stewarding as well because it is the masculine, boy energy, turned toward me.
    This is what I want to use my boy energy for: stewarding MY space, my inner and outer sanctuary.
    Hooray for Victoria. I feel such a resonance with your December goals. Take exquisite care of body, space, mind, spirit etc…
    I feel hopeful today.



  181.  #182Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 5:48 am

    Sirens,

    I deleted my Facebook account. Yay!! It kept me up half the night thinking about it, and it feels so good ever since I’ve done it. I realize it filled me with churning unpleasant feelings and I thought, why do I need to put myself through that? Quite serendipitously, I read an article today which included the information that regular use of Facebook and Twitter has been linked to depression, unhappiness and stress over time. I feel relaxed and a little bit more free. I am looking forward to reading lots of books.

    Victoria, I hesitate to say things with D are not going well, because I realize some may not want to read about my constant ups and downs with him. This is a man I love, but he is not able to give me what I want, which is a lasting, serious relationship with substance. We are essentially in the same place we were 4 years ago. He has changed, I have changed, but one thing has not changed: he is not ready to do a committed relationship. So this is the truth of the matter. It’s not some major revelation, I’ve known this for a while now. I just need to start gently finding a way to let him go. Not forever, but there it is. In so many ways I have been gently disentangling myself, finding ways to stop overfunctioning, to accept and let go. It’s part of what this Facebook thing is about. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can’t live in imaginary land any more.



  182.  #183Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 5:50 am

    Maybe he will come back, and maybe he won’t. I hope he will. But until he’s ready to do a real committed relationship he’s not much use to me in a real sense.



  183.  #184Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 5:51 am

    Victoria 179,

    I agree.



  184.  #185Mistea1 on December 1, 2014 at 6:19 am

    Oh well, a slight lean forward with MusicTd after the 30 days. I wrote a note similar to 125 about his wanting to ‘get away’ telling about how I do it. He still has to step up to the plate with some follow through for it to be real. ambivalence here.



  185.  #186Victoria on December 1, 2014 at 6:46 am

    Indigo,
    I understand. I can read between the lines. The reason I come here is because this place allows to choose the third way: not to drop a relationship that is conventionally not ok. So I understand you, and I am sure you understand me.



  186.  #187Femininewoman on December 1, 2014 at 7:23 am

    Indigo – I never did understand the thing around D but wanted to say Yayy you around your realisations and accepting of things.



  187.  #188Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 8:26 am

    Victoria,

    Thank you. I also come here because of the non-judgmental support I receive. In many ways this is one of the only places where I can come to talk about this and share my thoughts.

    x



  188.  #189Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Feminine Woman,

    If I understood it myself, I would explain it to you.

    But it goes a little something like this: I love him and he loves me, and so many times he and I seemed to surge so close to the committed relationship which I dream of (and I think he secretly wants too). But for his own reasons, he always puts the brakes on or distances himself and things never get any real momentum. It’s very selfish and immature on his part, but I try not to judge or get into his business about that too much – because obviously things are going on inside him that I cannot understand. I’ve never pretended it was enough for me. If I could have been one of those people who could have made a clean break when I first saw the writing on the wall, I would have, but my feelings and who I was and am prevented that. But I have been gradually healing all the things inside me, getting stronger, disentangling and slowly accepting things exactly the way they are for a while now. I am moving away from him for now, because I know it doesn’t serve me to be invested in someone who cannot do a committed relationship, but I’ve had to do it on my own terms and in my own time. I’ve developed such a sense of trust and love for the way life unfolds that I feel comfortable dancing gently further and further away from him until that far off possible day when he can maybe give me what I need.

    It’s all been a very gradual process and that’s why I think it’s been very difficult to understand. I haven’t felt able to just “let go” of him or “walk away”. My journey has been a bit different and I’ve healed a lot along the way.

    Like I said, I feel accepting. I think I can let him go to do his journey and to learn the things he needs to learn, and I will do mine. Maybe our paths will cross again.



  189.  #190Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 8:37 am

    Oh, thank you for the support, Feminine Woman! x



  190.  #191Millie on December 1, 2014 at 8:49 am

    Oh sirens! “Out of town guy” and I talked for hours last night and it was amazing!!! I feel myself being so open, honest, and direct with him and he is just embracing all of it!!! To my surprise, he loves everything I say and share… Even when I think to myself “oh he will probably be turned off by this” … He surprises me by being enraptured. And the most amazing news of all.. He wants to visit after the holidays and already started looking at flights! I couldn’t sleep last night, my heart feels so immense and I feel sick but elated at the same time, terrified yet excited at the unknown and the possibilities!! I’m so excited to finally meet him! Ahh!



  191.  #192lovetodance on December 1, 2014 at 8:56 am

    Indigo

    thank you for sharing your integrity here with all of us…

    i feel such applaud for you

    for honoring your rhythm and rhyme

    you are inspiring indigo!

    i feel honored to know that this island has been a refuge for you…as it has for me….in this journey to wholeness, happiness, confidence and trust in oneself…

    congratulations beautiful siren on the dance steps you are doing….all of it….

    and i so resonate with you about facebook….there are other more wonderful healthy places to go to…this being one of them….and i certainly understand how each of us is different….with different needs around FB and how we respond to it….

    xoxoxo



  192.  #193lovetodance on December 1, 2014 at 9:02 am

    sophie 180…..

    ‘Andrea โ€“ I feel so inspired by the way you explain your process โ€“ I can relate to it, the way you explain. It feels so uncomfortable when we are holding ourselves back and behaving in ways that feel counterintuitive but if we can just stay with that we do burst through. I need to remember this. I am so quick to react but really it just takes time, then more time, then more time, then the powerful uncomfortableness passes completely……’

    love what you wrote to andrea…! it is so helpful to read this and other statements from sirens that put words to what i am feeling…thank you

    and thankyou for the update as where and how you are!

    I just feel such pluck and spunk from you beautiful girl! siren of course……

    and hope all the money logistics straightens itself out as soon as possible….i hope you have found a way, ways to alleviate the worry….so that your beautiful siren sophie energy can flow!



  193.  #194Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 9:34 am

    lovetodance,

    Thank you. I feel really heard and supported.

    I feel so happy you understand the way I feel about Facebook.

    xx



  194.  #195Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 9:39 am

    Hi Sophie ๐Ÿ™‚

    I hope everything goes smoothly with your trip!

    x



  195.  #196Kyla on December 1, 2014 at 10:25 am

    Hello beautiful ladies! I have been gone for far too long but I still listen to my programs and journal and keep the process going. I’m learning lots about me from this relationship, learning about me while I learn about him and I’m so thankful for Rori and Dominique. Its been 5 years since I found the blog! Life is good, work is good, kids are happy and I feel safe, loved and passionate. Arguments explode quickly and heal quicker now as tidal waves of icky feeling stuff has emerged to be given recognition and wow was Rori right about anger bringing more love. When I feel that invisible distance and I feel anxious and want to push him and demand his attention, when I can take a deep breathe instead and say ‘I can see that you are angry and I want to hear you’ and then listen to what the message is as his words tumble out in whatever way he can get them out (not usually nicely!) and I just breathe and listen without interruption. The relief we both feel after, the healing of climbing onto his lap and giving him a hug and suddenly all his warmth returns as he realises its safe to feel and I’m not judging his ability to express those feelings and he is showering me with kisses and surprises and love again. And his anger is never at me, nor mine at him, when you let it out the root is always very old. And its ok that I don’t get it right most of the time, it still works magically if I can do it in round 10 or 20! So I am not beating myself up now quite as much, I am catching myself sooner and trying a new approach. If it wasn’t for what I have learned here I would be pushing away or giving up all this wonderfulness in my life instead of letting it flourish. I still have much to learn but any little move in the right direction has huge results and that is so motivating. My process is a beautifully incomplete cycle of healing and growth. Its amazing what you learn when you put your thoughts into writing. That has been my single most valuable tool, my little journal.



  196.  #197Mistea1 on December 1, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Indigo 189 Thank you so much for your insight. I too could’ve, should’ve made a clean break away at the beginning. Now I see thanks to you that MusicTd is holding the space for me to flail away at my windmills, “gradually healing all things inside me and getting stronger, disentangling and slowly accepting things exactly the way they are.” Of course!

    Then I can dance closer to him and gauge how much I’ve grown by how I feel around him. I then find another issue, work on it and gauge my progress by how I do around him. I’m also developing my “sense of trust and love for the way life unfolds.” ( another lesson for me), accepting what is. I told him one time I, felt shy and flustered around him, which I suppose I do but it also covers me when I have a large issue which is really hitting me.

    The abandonment issure was the biggest one. I felt like I was going to die. I ran to the office and asked the secretary when his last day was. How embarrassing! Three days ago he told me the exact dates of his upcoming activities and that he would be back to stay and they’d probably have to carry him out at the end. So I’m surmising that the abandonment issue is way down.

    I don’t know what he is thinking if at all about any of this. Although I don’t need a relationship I would feel happy if he pursues the issue as my agreement for letting me work off him. I also say a Buddhist prayer for him daily “May you be filled with loving kindness, may you be well, may you be peaceful and at ease, may you be happy.” this is my way of saying thanks.

    Energetically he takes no quarter from me. I have to work hard. We don’t talk much or even date. Thanks to you Indigo I have a better take on what is going on.



  197.  #198Beloved on December 1, 2014 at 11:55 am

    I feel bummed and disappointed.
    I had one seemingly good bite from an online site, everything seemed easy and comfortable until it didn’t.
    I told him I felt bored and aggravated with texting, and he said, oh, I know, that’s why I’ve been trying to call you!
    So, because my son said the same thing yesterday, I carefully checked my log before responding.
    Nope, no missed calls. Definitely no voicemails.
    I told him that, and he said, oh, that’s why I haven’t heard from you!
    Then he makes noises about moving to phone and meeting and I am thinking, “You must think I am stupid. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”
    Ugh.
    I feel bummed.
    Then he called while I was in class…no problems seeing his name and number on the screen there!
    Darn.
    Part of me feels like I should tell him, I don’t believe him, in case I’m wrong.
    The other part of me smells something fishy and says ‘don’t engage’.
    I feel a teeny bit let down.
    I feel like sighing, and getting back to my drafting project.



  198.  #199Dominique on December 1, 2014 at 12:39 pm

    Kyla – 196 – This feels so beautiful to read. I feel thrilled for you.

    Healing IS an ongoing journey, and it can feel so wonderful when you allow which you have.

    Much love to you.

    xxoo



  199.  #200Azure Blu on December 1, 2014 at 3:14 pm

    ahhh lovely Sirens…
    So inspiring to read about the next months energy..
    You all are so courageous
    to push forward
    and lean back
    and love and be open
    and authentic and
    ready to change MORE!!!

    I leaned forward on Thur. and texted and wished Spirit a Happy Thanksgiving…
    he responded and for the next 3 days we talked and texted…
    I was with my parents all weekend… a 2 hour drive.
    He brought up about me being online and dating and I said….
    “I don’t want to date anyone but YOU!”
    “but you told me you didn’t have time for a girlfriend”

    Him: “Ohhhh… Azure… No one has ever affected me the way you have… I think about you all the time.”
    and then he proceeded to text about random stuff…
    Him calling…more talking but just fun stuff…
    The next day…same… texting and talking on the phone and being silly…

    I missed him sooo much… I craved contact with him…
    I feel happy to have heard his voice… to know he misses me…
    But nothing he did was an indication he has TIME for me…
    Several (5 men) online have called and we have talked.
    set up dates with 3
    I am practicing being authentic///
    Like many of you have suggested…
    I am making MY LIVE look like WHAT I WANT IT TO BE!
    I cherish the support you all give ME!



  200.  #201lovetodance on December 1, 2014 at 3:59 pm

    big kisses your way lovely azure

    so good to hear of your life and your siren-ness

    i have missed you here on the isle!

    feels good to hear your lovely voice here again…..



  201.  #202Mistea1 on December 1, 2014 at 8:04 pm

    Azure Blu good to see you on the site again. I just did the same thing you did, leaned forward to MusicTd. I put a note in his box about a couple quick relaxing getaway things he might consider (i.e. looking at the starry starry night for a few seconds.) He is stressed now with two concerts and all the holiday music over the next 2 months. I’m keeping out of his way unless he approaches which isn’t likely.

    I wonder though if a cd doesn’t respond in a timely manner to the lean back is he ever going to respond in a committed way?



  202.  #203Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    Mistea 201,

    “I wonder though if a cd doesnโ€™t respond in a timely manner to the lean back is he ever going to respond in a committed way?”

    I don’t know that it’s possible to answer this question, as every man is different. They are on their own journey towards being ready for a committed relationship, just as we are, and the timelines will be different for each person. I think all we can do is draw a line in the sand for ourselves and decide when we walk away.

    As an example, there was a guy I dated 12 years ago and it only lasted a few months and I didn’t get the sense that he was ready for a committed relationship. He came back 10 YEARS later wanting to get back together and I could see he was totally different. I didn’t want him any more, but it was a useful illustration for me. That said, yes, if after a certain reasonable amount of time they are not offering you the commitment you want I think it is best to walk away.

    (Thanks for giving me a chance to riff a bit more about this)



  203.  #204Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    My point is, yes, leaning back is great but it is only 50% of the equation… he’s got to both want and be able to do a committed relationship. The good thing about leaning back though is that it will reveal this to you.



  204.  #205Zia on December 1, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    174 Victoria – i have to disagree with you about facebook being a charade. I use mine to be honest and raw, and share things that have meaning to me. I have had my fb friends (both those I have met and those I only know via the internet) contact me privately to express how one thing or another that I’ve shared has resonated with them, and they express their gratitude and appreciation for sharing as it has made them feel like they are not alone. So facebook has many positive aspects to it.



  205.  #206Zia on December 1, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    I feel so lucky to have such a caring, understanding and solid-as-a-rock boyfriend. Today I was fretting over trying to communicate with him about how I was feeling. But this relationship has been all about doing things differently. So I just said I felt off balance… and over the past couple of days it has grown to me feeling anxious and panicky. And then I expressed that I wanted to check in with him and make sure he’s happy with us and how things are, and he said yes of course. And then I just cried. And he was there and allowed me to cry. He’s always in allowance of me as I am no matter what and I am so grateful to have him in my life.



  206.  #207Zia on December 1, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    He allows me to just be. The practice of standing there with my heart open, every time I feel myself wanting to shut down and close myself up I just stand there with my heart open and he accepts that. He never runs from it.



  207.  #208Indigo on December 1, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Zia,

    That is so beautiful. I love the unique appreciation you have shared about your boyfriend.

    Re: Facebook. I honestly wish there were more people on it like you. I think if there were, I would not feel about it the way that I do. I certainly think there are positive aspects to it, and applaud those who feel nourished by it… for me, it’s just not right for me for now.



  208.  #209Zia on December 1, 2014 at 11:26 pm

    Indigo – well if you ever decide to reactivate, maybe we can be facebook friends ๐Ÿ™‚ I love to inspire others in whatever ways I can… whether that’s through my positive uplifting posts, or through my raw and emotional ones. I totally understand where you’re coming from and good on you for acknowledging what is true for you. Because that is all that matters!



  209.  #210IamHis on December 2, 2014 at 1:02 am

    I feel terrible. Especially since the blog is filled with so much positivity right now, I feel guilty for having not good feelings.

    Got it in a huge fight with my Mom as she screamed the truth about myself to me and I couldn’t handle it.

    I defended myself, which I wouldn’t even have known how to do when I was younger, so I guess I can feel thankful for that.

    She later told me she was wrong for losing her temper, apologized, told me how much she loved me, wanted for us to get along. I felt small; like a little kid, not like a strong woman.

    I feel weak, helpless, and full of shame.

    My dad talked with my mom and I.

    I adore him, but still feel there is so much about life he doesn’t understand. Not that there isn’t so much that I don’t understand as well…

    I spent some time with Brown Eyes and decided I really don’t feel good when I’m with him. I feel confused and off balance and I don’t like feeling that way. Maybe I should just tell him that, but something tells me he won’t get why or where I’m coming from.

    When I think about the place I left, I feel so embarrassed and angry.

    I keep thinking about these guys who paid attention to me, & I always feel and am so guarded.

    Like with this one guy, I don’t even remember my nickname for him on here, but he massively triggered me. I knew he wasn’t going to step up and “pick me.”

    He’s dating a f****** 20 year old now, and seems to be happy.

    & there was a guy a year ago, who was paying me a lot of attention, and who once again, I was having a hard time trusting, who was talking to another girl at the same time (though I didn’t actually know it, I instinctively did)

    & they’re all disgustingly together now. AR least she is my age. That feels oddly gratifying and power to her.

    Not that they matter, because they don’t, I’m just trying to figure myself out through my “messengers.”

    I feel so cheap and disposable.

    I leaned forward with Foreign Guy. I guess it’s not really that big of a deal, all I did was walk over and sit by him. I wasn’t thinking about “leaning back,” it just kind of happened.

    He’s on his phone a lot. That didn’t really trigger me; it feels normal for a guy his age, but even though we were supposed to be listening to a bilingual lecture, I found myself losing interest in him as I sat there by him. It feels annoying that I’m as sexually attracted to him as I am. I haven’t been this n physically attracted to someone in a long time, I just really love his body and how touchy feely he is with me. Yet I find it weird that I don’t feel very nervous or very triggered around him.

    I suddenly feel embarrassed about what I just wrote.

    I think I have diabetes and that feels a little terrifying.

    I’m working retail part-time, & while it feels slightly humiliating, it’s actually helping my confidence a little bit.

    I need more work, & everything out there feels drab and soul-sucking. I want sometching “out of the box”, unconventional, and that feels energizing.

    I want to feel more thankful. Things really aren’t that bad, I just don’t feel vibrant, excited, connected to life and to others, which is how I prefer to feel.

    I feel mechanical. A little dead inside. That feels sad…



  210.  #211Victoria on December 2, 2014 at 1:26 am

    @Azure Blue
    When I read about how Spirit reacted, I want to grrrhhh.
    But there is really nothing you could do, is there, except for keep CDing!
    Brava for that!



  211.  #212IamHis on December 2, 2014 at 1:29 am

    Just exploring my own thought processes.

    Men and work feel the same right now.

    A great job or a great guy only really look great to me when they’re gone. But then I’ll think: it’s better than the situation I’m in now, but is it really?



  212.  #213IamHis on December 2, 2014 at 1:33 am

    Also I just want to give (((((Yvette))))) a hug. You’re beautiful and I accept you.



  213.  #214Victoria on December 2, 2014 at 1:42 am

    @Indigo 203.
    I am thinking a lot about what you said.
    He has to be able and willing.
    Absolutely.
    I do not want to be committed to someone who does not want to be committed to me.
    If he is not able or willing, I need to be out of the door.
    Out. Of the. Door.



  214.  #215Victoria on December 2, 2014 at 1:53 am

    @ Indigo 203.
    Ok, I am having second thoughts.
    May be not completely out of the door.
    May be just one foot out ๐Ÿ™‚



  215.  #216Victoria on December 2, 2014 at 1:56 am

    @ Indigo 203
    Last brilliant idea:
    If you can lean waaaay back – kind of like Keanu Reeves in the Matrix, avoiding the bullets, you can be in and out of the door at the same time ๐Ÿ™‚



  216.  #217Indigo on December 2, 2014 at 2:26 am

    Victoria,

    You make me laugh, and not just because of your brilliant Matrix joke!

    But also because I have been there… not able to be out the door, one foot in and one foot out.

    But now I think I am out the door, and it feels like the right thing, at the right time, not wrong somehow like it felt before. I feel calm, not anxious. I am not even thinking about him or it, my focus is on other things.



  217.  #218Indigo on December 2, 2014 at 2:28 am

    If he comes back I will be peaceful and gentle, but I know what I want now, and I will stick to it.



  218.  #219Victoria on December 2, 2014 at 3:06 am

    Indigo,
    I can tell you, you are one step better than me, because you know what you want.
    I am not sure.
    F. did something for me today (and yesterday too for that matter) that is clearly signifying that he is coming towards me.
    The no-lean forward works, and I get more of his energy towards me.
    And when he does, for one moment I am triumphant, and then, the next moment, I am already scared, and thinking, do I really want him so close…
    As you said in one of your previous posts, each of us is on our journey … and I am hoping (unrealistic maybe) that our routes and timing will somehow match, but I don’t know, I just don’t know.



  219.  #220Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 8:10 am

    (((Indigo)))
    YOU are shining brightly Siren!!!
    Wow… i have been reading about all that you are sharing in the past few days…
    You, understanding and, caring for
    what YOU WANT!

    for me It is a Deep Understanding
    that propels me forward to take
    NEW paths…
    Maybe getting on a NEW horse?
    I feel scared to say New horse…
    Rori doesn’t talk about
    getting a new steed to ride
    into our ever changing life

    But for me, just now typing this
    NEW horse… it resonates
    I think I might have worn out
    the “old gray mare”
    and the NEW ME..
    Is ready for a powerful, energetic
    Black stallion…



  220.  #221IamHis on December 2, 2014 at 8:19 am

    Feedback would feel amazing. Feeling kind of lonely right now.

    Love your constant positive imagery and always positive energy, Azure. It always feels good, no matter who it is directed towards…

    I feel anxious…



  221.  #222Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 8:23 am

    Mistea… thank you for your thoughts and welcomes…
    I feel cared about… that feels good.

    Go Siren!!

    Ahh.. yes the slight leaning forward…
    My Rori coach, Natalina says “let’s flip this”
    it’s me being flirtatious…
    this helps lighten the vibe…
    Yes we flirted… had fun… and now
    we continue cding
    and having fun and practicing being our
    SIRNEY selves!!



  222.  #223Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 8:31 am

    Victoria #214
    Ahhh… I’m laughing
    I feel the same about Spirit…
    “well… maybe… not… completely… out the door…”
    :-))

    The leaning back IS SO Powerful…
    Taking time for ME…
    Gently loving my heart and soul and body
    changing my house… my bedroom…
    Being romantic with ME
    Discovering and loving my masculine
    giving him room in my life
    Respecting and thanking him for how he helps me

    It feels uncomfortable at times (much of the time)
    and you lovely sirens, here on Siren Island
    help me remember to
    Gently and lovingly sit with it…
    embrace the uncomfortable feeling.
    Thank you all for your sharing
    YOUR authentic selves, ALWAYS



  223.  #224Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 8:47 am

    (((IamHis))))
    I feel a virtual hug from you…
    your words make me feel warm and appreciated…

    YOU ARE SOOO LOVING!
    The inner action between you and your mom and dad
    sounds intimate and loving…
    Like Kyla said “Rori’s right about anger bringing more love.”

    I feel excited about how you are so in tune with YOUR feelings when writing about each cd…
    YOUR triggers, YOUR thoughts…
    You have come sooo far!
    You ARE staying on your horse…
    observing and learning more about
    what YOU want
    and how YOU feel when in
    each man’s presence!!
    BRAVA darling siren…

    Rori has told us
    much of life doesn’t feel good…
    That is just life…
    I am trying to learn how to feel my feelings and
    flip it
    to move in a more positive and light vibrations
    WITH the universe/God.
    wish me luck!!! ;->



  224.  #225Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 8:52 am

    Zia #205
    Thank you for sharing…
    Always SOOO inspiring to read about a
    Siren in a supported and good relationship
    using the Rori tools…
    Yes… that. can. be. ME!!
    :-))



  225.  #226Mistea1 on December 2, 2014 at 8:56 am

    IamHis 210 Gosh, I feel for you. It is very uncomfortable for you right now I’ll bet. Moms and Dads are on their trip too, I guess. We’re all trying our best with what we know at the moment. For me it’s when I find out that I didn’t really understand what I thought I did whether it’s parenting or relationships. Ouch, At least now I know better, at least some of the time.

    When I got diabetes I studied up on it until I knew as much as the doctor did about it. After all it’s my body! I’m much better now.



  226.  #227Dominique on December 2, 2014 at 9:01 am

    AzureBlu – 199 – You are SO awesome!!! Inspiring.

    xxoo



  227.  #228Dominique on December 2, 2014 at 9:04 am

    Zia – 205, 206 – I feel in awe of your growth and blossoming over the time I’ve known you. SO beautiful to witness. Thank you for sharing of yourself. ๐Ÿ™‚

    xxoo



  228.  #229Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 9:09 am

    (((Lotus #130)))
    Thank you for your thoughts!!!

    I am hoping your ankle is healing…
    Not dancing or exercising causes me some anxiety!
    :-))

    Your practicing with cding sounds AMAZING!!!

    I do love this quote from you
    ” I am single because I choose to be, because I want to take my time to work on myself and feel more grounded, before I can dance fully in the joy of my new partnerโ€ฆ and perhaps until the string of estranged husband falls away, cos Iโ€™ve danced so far away.”



  229.  #230Dominique on December 2, 2014 at 9:17 am

    IamHis – 209 – Maybe telling BrownEyes this would be a good thing. It doesn’t matter if he gets it or not. This would be for you and a wonderful exercise in being authentic with no attachment to outcome, i.e. having no expectations.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling as you are. I don’t want to minimize how you’re feeling, yet I also want to reassure you that we all go through spells of feeling off, sad, dead inside, not where we want to be (or rather where we think we want to be), and it’s okay to feel this way. It’s part of the journey. Honestly I can feel like this too – even though I have a wonderful relationship. It’s an internal, continually growing and expanding thing.

    And when I can FEEL it, every edge and curve, its height, its depth, I can also feel love for this part of me, the part which wants more, the part which feels overwhelmed sometimes, the part which feels overly sensitive, aware of so much, in me, around me. It’s all part of ME, just as it’s all a part of YOU, and YOU ARE AMAZING, WONDERFUL, so aware, so filled with light, even if you don’t always see it or feel it.

    Sending you love.

    xxoo



  230.  #231Mistea1 on December 2, 2014 at 9:28 am

    Victoria 214-216 Woo hoo, you are on fire right now. Maybe I can do the Matrix dance too! In and out the door at the same time. I like that.

    I am looking at my judging, analyzing and labeling issues. It appears that MusicTd is incapable of being willing and/or able to have a committed relationship. On the basis of that I am justified in walking. However, I don’t know for sure that this is true or untrue. I can go about my life and see what happens in February. In the meantime I shall go about fixing my issues and testing how I feel around him. Maybe if I fix enough of this my interest in him will just fade away.

    Does this connect with Quantum Physics where a molecule (me) can be both a particle and a wave at the same time? What about ‘quantum entanglement’ where one part of an entangled pair can know what the other is all about even though there is no known way of communicating this? Now, this is a scary concept to me who is shy about relationships. Yikes.



  231.  #232Mistea1 on December 2, 2014 at 9:42 am

    Azure Blu 222 Thanks for the reassurance about the note. You are so wise about this sort of thing. I’m so skittish about ‘doing’ the right thing. I hope it lightened the vibe as he has a black cloud around him right now with all the intense programming around this time of the year.



  232.  #233Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 9:43 am

    lovetodance #149
    Ahhh…. gentle… vulnerable Siren…
    Thank you for showing us your heart once again…
    unfolding yourself…
    acts of huge BRAVERY…
    as you move back and forth into
    the flow of dating

    For me it is natural to feel the light pangs of sadness and confusion when dealing with online dating (OD)

    I too tend to “poof” without a word, when I have only messaged the man and no phone contact or meeting…
    For me it is the good part of the messaging online…
    you discover a little more about each other without taking the next step… less painful if YOU find there is a disconnect…

    However… you have opened my heart to a kinder, more loving way of expressing my feelings
    “be loving enough to sayโ€ฆ
    thank youโ€ฆand i see altho there are qualities that are beautiful and i likeโ€ฆ.that we are not a matchโ€ฆ”

    I actually just now went to my messages on Plenty of Fish and copied and pasted that message to a CD.
    So much more heartfelt AND kind…

    We had actually met and he had wanted more dates…
    but he has 12yr twins and 1 more at home…
    I shared with him it was not a good time for me to get to know someone with a full life like that.
    but he kept texting and phoning…
    I felt flattered but needed to say again… no thank you.

    I feel triggered reading these words!!! (for me, not about you lovetodance)
    “when we are learning โ€ฆ.if we allow ourselvesโ€ฆi guess we fall all over ourselves to learn what we already know yet know we need to learn another way tooโ€ฆ”
    I feel angry when i know I have ALREADY learned something and MUST relearn in a different way!! (usually better for me in the long run)
    I feel P**ssed that i need to change…
    I already know how to do this…
    I DONT want to CHANGE the way I do it NOW!
    I am sitting with my anger…
    I’ll try and love my anger…



  233.  #234Femininewoman on December 2, 2014 at 9:44 am

    http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3880/should-i-avoid-people-who-push-my-buttons.html

    While you may enjoy being with people who don’t trigger you, your deepest learning and healing are with those who do โ€“ provided you open to learning about why you are being triggered.

    In fact, in romance, it’s often the people who trigger us most who also generate the most aliveness and passion.



  234.  #235Femininewoman on December 2, 2014 at 9:55 am

    “To get started, I want to share the first step of the 4-step practice I teach in Session One of my Conscious Uncoupling Course: โ€œFinding Emotional Freedom.โ€

    PRACTICE:

    There is a center within you that is deeper and wider than the hopelessness, anger and hurt you may now be feeling.

    This is the part of you that is able to access both the wisdom and the power you need to navigate your life in the direction of your greatest growth and evolution.

    To connect with this part of yourself, take a step back from your thoughts and feelings and breathe all the way down into your hips, your legs, through the soles of your feet and into the earth.

    And with each breath, begin to access the center of awareness in your body that’s deeper and wider than all the emotions you’ve been experiencing, where you can know and experience even a brief sense that you’re okay, in spite of everything you’re going through.

    Centered in this part of yourself, extend your awareness out to the edges of the room.

    From this deeper, wider center, begin to extend a sense of care, compassion and support to the part of you that is feeling overwhelmed with negative emotions, turning toward your emotions rather than away, and welcoming them in with love.

    Begin to identify your feelings, naming each one youโ€™re specifically feeling, and as you do, on the in-breath, breathe each emotion into your heart.

    On the out-breath, breathe out healing and release to all beings in the world who are also experiencing this difficult emotion in this very moment, including yourself.

    Do this until you begin to feel a sense of relief from the pain you are in, and are able to create a loving space for those feelings that have been threatening to overwhelm you.

    This exercise will help you begin to harness the energy within these big emotions rather than act them out in destructive ways toward yourself or others.

    This is a vital first step in a powerful process that will help you transform these negative emotions into a positive catalyst for change in your life.”

    With love,

    Katherine Woodward Thomas – Conscious Uncoupling



  235.  #236Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 10:35 am

    FW #233-34
    How lovely of you to take the time to find these and share them here on the isle!!!

    Wow… both of these resonated so much with ME..
    Thank you for this sharing…

    the practice of the “finding emotional freedom” is so gREAT!!!



  236.  #237Mistea1 on December 2, 2014 at 10:47 am

    Feminine woman 234 Yes, to that. I have never felt so triggered by this situation nor so passionate!
    thanks for the insight.



  237.  #238lovetodance on December 2, 2014 at 11:09 am

    thank you azure for your note…..i feel seen and felt….i so appreciate you….and i love the image of your new steed….your Black Stallion….yes! i keep getting the White Stallion for you too…with a braided mane of many colorful and beautiful ribbons… but obviously that is my image….alright…i’ll own it for myself….[:]

    fw….thank you for posting the conscious uncoupling passage…this is a practice that i will consciously intend to practice…thats the closest to commitment i can get at the moment….
    this practice in buddhism is also called ‘loving compassion’ ….it is virtually the same…

    does not matter what or who names it…it is powerful to practice and here on this rainy at home day…when the earth is taking a long muchmuchmuch needed drink…i will make vegetable barley soup and sit with my emotions and breath….ahhhhhh

    mistea1 …i love your thought of quantum entanglement…..a term yet to be coined….i will remember you tho when it is!
    you have much insight and brightness! thank you for sharing it!
    a siren deserving a partner or partners who shine as bright!



  238.  #239Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 11:10 am

    Dominique #225
    Ohhh… THANK YOU for those encouraging words!!
    It feels amazing to have your pat on the back!!!
    You are such a master Siren…
    oxoxo



  239.  #240Sophie on December 2, 2014 at 11:39 am

    Thank you Sirens who have wished me well – there is so much learning and so much growth on this blog sometimes it feels quite profound.

    Indigo – I feel in awe at your bravery and inspired that you feel calm. I don’t want to minimize what you have with D in anyway but I was thinking about Young CD. The situation with him flummoxes me – maybe because I buy into an imaginary thing every time – I just don’t know though. Ever since I met him over five years ago I’ve been having to let him go and then let him go and then let him go again.I feel very confused about the lesson he brings me and very confused that it is not a comfortable one,or one I have seemingly resolved within myself. I guess none of that matters I guess what matters is that I move further and further away from what doesn’t feel good (the confusing unfulfilling connection with him) and to what does feel good…

    I am doing so much feeling my way through on my trip. I am very much attuned to the energy of the people around me and have met only warm, friendly, positive and generous people. I am feeling this myself; warm, friendly, positive and generous. I am relaxing into who I am.And I am doing so much observing of how I feel around different energies and experiencing how these different energies feel. I haven’t had so much exposure to warmth back home – it is much more urban and edgy and so have been the men. I have been observing women too and really enjoying their sireny aspects. I can see the soft on the outside, strong on the inside. I can see the beauty, the open-ness and the vulnerability.I can see the womanliness. I feel so grateful to not be a young, young woman any longer. It feels good to have the strength, composure, dignity and awareness of my own beauty and shining light (most of the time – when i’m not having Bridgit Jones moments) but even Bridgit Jones moments are me being authentically me.

    I still have no bank card. I was forced to receive from others earlier. I was forced to be dependent. Maybe this is a lesson for me ๐Ÿ™‚

    Hi Kyla – so lovely to see you back I feel excited! I want to tell you I got away from B!!!!! Yay me! Now I have to stay away from the B’s

    Azure Blu – your stallion sounds fabulous

    ((((Iamhis)))) I feel appreciation for your sharing. We are all encouraged to share our authentic feelings, aren’t we and I feel pleased that you’re sharing with us. WE are all on this journey of working through our triggers and getting to know ourselves, our wants and our needs, warts and all. It feels beautiful

    I’ve been out tonight – it’s 2:30am I feel all floaty. It feels nice. The noise of all the wildlife is loud but relaxing all the same.

    Mistea – I feel intrigued to see how your story unfolds



  240.  #241Sophie on December 2, 2014 at 11:51 am

    lovetodance – your rainy day feels wholesome and cosy and yummy. Lots of loving nourishment.



  241.  #242Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 11:57 am

    lovetodance…
    Yes.. I do so love your vision of my white horse…
    (I have it for a ready read, in my archives)
    I just pulled it up and reread it…
    Such a beautiful visualization…
    Me on MY white stallion… flying up and above and forward!
    Thank you lovely Siren
    oxoxo



  242.  #243Indigo on December 2, 2014 at 12:02 pm

    IamHis,

    I wanted to echo what Dominique is saying. We all feel those ways from time to time. It is just part of the ebb and flow, the valleys and peaks of life. I would encourage you not to dread those “negative” feelings but to welcome them. They bring growth and renewal and messages of their own. Just feel them, love them even.

    With me I just give myself permission to do what feels absolutely the best thing for me. I support myself without judgment as much as I can.



  243.  #244Azure Blu on December 2, 2014 at 12:03 pm

    Sophie!!!!
    Ohhhh… you are such an Adventurer!!!
    I feel sooo happy reading about your time in that country!
    The loud sounds of the night critters in the early morning…
    Yes!!! Celebrate the courage and energy it took to get away from B!!!
    You have done soooo much in 2014!
    I hope you can get your card soon…
    I feel worried about you having no money far from home… but there are lessons in having to depend on the kindness and generosity of strangers!!!
    You are making many fine memories!



  244.  #245Sophie on December 2, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    FW thank you for the post on the triggers – yes I am constantly experiencing the ‘starved of attention’ trigger, ‘the pining for more attention trigger’ and the unpredicatable ‘when will the attention return’ trigger – how do I empower myself away from these triggers???



  245.  #246Sophie on December 2, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    Azure Blu – thank you I feel smiley hearing from you. I’m doing a you – it’s 3am here! And the sun’ll have me up in only a few hours (that is blergh I fiunction so much better with sleep). Still this moment right now, is a peaceful moment. Thank you for your loving concern – it will right itself soon I feel sure. I have done so much in 2014 and the change in the energy right now feels wow! I want to keep these higher vibrations going. You too – 2014 leaps and bounds! 2015 who know how far we’ll go!!!



  246.  #247Sophie on December 2, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    and now to sleep- good night/evening sirens xxx



  247.  #248IamHis on December 2, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    Thank you Azure, Mistea1, Indigo, Dominique, and anyone else I missed. The feedback feels so good and I feel seen and heard. ๐Ÿ™‚



  248.  #249IamHis on December 2, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Goodnight, Sophie, and thank you. I like that it is night time where you are, but still day over here. It feels oddly comforting and strange.



  249.  #250Lotus on December 2, 2014 at 12:35 pm

    I am loving this thread at the moment, so many wonderful sharings. I am learning so much from you all. Feel grateful.
    Victoria – I love the Matrix lean-back stance! Wow, how wonderful it would feel to lean so far back and float, and spin and feel that mastery.
    Azure Blu – thank you for your well wishes and feedback. It feels nice to be heard. I feel your warmth and vibe.
    I took myself on a walk to feel more revived today, and stared at a mighty railway bridge in the distance. I imagined myself as a shiny red steam engine, that I have places to go and am getting lagged behind stopping at places I don’t want to linger at. I imagined my estranged husband as a black steam engine, rust under the bonnets and needing some major reworking or redundancy. I imagined tenderDP as a little glossy blue tank engine, exciting and gleaming, but needing some mileage and a few more carriages to be ready for a solid long-distance journey. And then I saw it, the one for me would turn up when I was on my journey, it would have established carriages, have toured the world and just knew that it had to ride with the Red Orient Express! It would be the strange ‘animal’ that RR talks about, and I would be having so much fun and purpose on my journey that it would have to really take my breath away before I made a stop to take in its glory!



  250.  #251lovetodance on December 2, 2014 at 12:44 pm

    wonderful poetic images lotus…..makes me go ‘ahhhhhh’



  251.  #252Lotus on December 2, 2014 at 12:53 pm

    Finally had an honest chat with tenderDP. I opened up about not feeling so good about not seeing him for a few weeks, and he proposed being mates on dates, as he didn’t want to mess me about and not give me the attention I deserve. He said he’s not looking for a relationship and doesn’t mind me hanging out with estranged husband. (lots of confusion though as he gave me a silver bangle for my birthday and also has ‘future talked’)
    I felt scared, chest tightening up, feelings of rejection, but I have to speak my truth.
    I said, ‘I’m not looking for a relationship and don’t want to be a girlfriend, and it feels good to hang out. I’m not interested in being platonic friends. It seems we’re on the same page.’ phew..
    I feel relieved, we have reached a different stage. I am practicing speaking the truth, scary as anything so that I can be quicker to get to my happy ending.

    So friends with romantic benefits.. this is what I want too.. no? and no ties so I can explore. I really want our bodies and faces to merge again. Lust, I knew it, I feel it, I feel the surge of chemicals. And he’s a good guy, who doesn’t want a relationship. That feels ok. He’s safe then, and not stringing me along, it’s out in the open.

    My task is just to keep my heart open to possibilities and keep experiencing. Perhaps he’s showed up to help me define what I’m looking for. Yes I want to be adored, I love the romance, but right now I just want to dance. I don’t want to stop dancing with him.

    Deep breaths. I find it hard to turn guys down too, especially when they’re decent human beings. It’s funny how he had to reject the relationship idea first to allow me to speak my truth. I’m so chicken compared to him. he apologised for being so direct too!

    Here goes to new experiences. I will dodge the bullets, and keep my heart open at the same time.



  252.  #253Lotus on December 2, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    Thank you for response Love to Dance, your alias could be my middle name! xx



  253.  #254Zia on December 2, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Dominique 227 – Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚



  254.  #255Liquid Light on December 2, 2014 at 6:17 pm

    Kyla, So nice to hear from you here and thank you for posting your lovely update! I have to say, you are so inspiring! I remember when, shortly before you met Ninja, you went through a tough time and kinda shut down? (I’m not sure if that’s accurate or not so pardon me, if I got that wrong.) And it was not long after that that you met Ninja and your relationship with him took off so fast. When it’s right, it’s right! That’s what your story reminds me of over and over again. Love it! Keep us posted when you feel inspired to. I love reading your updates!



  255.  #256Indigo on December 2, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Lotus 249,

    Trains are one of my favourite things in the world!

    Whenever I want the feeling of “forward motion” in my life, I picture myself staring off into the distance, to a far horizon, to the future. I imagine a train going to that destination, and I can get on and travel towards that destination, and I can also get off at any point.



  256.  #257Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 12:18 am

    Mistea 230,
    Quantum physics? That’s my girl!
    Have you heard about Schroedinger’s cat: an experiment in which theoretically something can be true or false, but you don’t know until you open the box?
    May be this is true for you and MusicTD: may be is interested/may be he is not, or may be he both is and isn’t and if you can live with this you don’t need to open the box :-).



  257.  #258Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 12:39 am

    So, my newest update/riff/attemt to be funny ๐Ÿ™‚

    Leaning back works. It is extremely powerful. You just need to do it over a long time, and it is quite uncomfortable, but it works.
    I am so grateful for this place, and for all of you, for helping me see that.
    I saw F. on, Mo, Tue, and he planned dates for us for today and tomorrow too.
    He wants to spend more time with me than usual.
    He is not a great planner (never will be) but he is trying.
    The strange thing is, I feel in control. I know that if I need to slow him down, all I need to do is a smaaaal lean forward move :-).
    No that the overfunctioninh fog is gone from my head, I see him so clearly for the human being that he is. I see the good, the bad, the ugly, and the very beautiful parts from him. I see he is so many things, and he is also willing to grow, and to go out of his confort zone. If I want to meet him halfway, I will have to move out of my confort zone too. I am not sure I want to, and I am taking my time, binding my time, drinking my wine on the proverbial Beatles rug (that is the Norwegian Wood song for those of you Beatles lovers). “I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me” :-)”.
    My mind goes in all possible directions, but it feels good, and peaceful, and I am smiling little smiles to myself.



  258.  #259teresa on December 3, 2014 at 3:18 am

    Victoria 257

    I have been following your comments for a long time now on leaning back for 30 days. Everything you have said resonates deep within my soul…..you very much inspire me. I have made a decision to lean back myself to figure out who I am, what I want, and where I’m going. It is not easy, there has been many times I feel like I am in a deep dark hole. I feel like I am screaming and no one can hear me. Yesterday was one of those days.



  259.  #260Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 3:47 am

    Teresa,
    This place is a wonderful place to help you move through the dark times.
    I would like to encourage you to share here your thoughts and feelings, even if they do not come out in a very coherent way (these are actually the best, aren’t they?).
    Writing here has had an extremely therapeutic effect for me.
    Thank you Rori so much, for creating this space.

    Teresa,
    you can speak up here, and no one will judge. More often than not, the lovely ladies will relate to what you say, and we are all relived that we are just human.

    I also think talking to the coaches would be lovely – it’s just that I am in a very different time zone than them, I would otherwise definetely take advantage.

    It feels good and liberating to write – when you put them on paper/on the screen the thought/emotions actually “leave” your head and you have more free space. Does this make sense to you?
    And, when you write, or try to explain to someone else, even if it is not coherent, you actually get much more clarity, and order/sequence/rhytm in your thoughts.
    On leaning back, it is a skill I did not know existed.
    Here I have to quote Rori’s business coach, Ryan Goslin (if I remember the name correct) who says that there are two types of things we don’t know
    1) things we know we don’t know, and
    2) things we do not know that they even exist, like skill sets we never knew were skills but we thought were just personality traits.
    Here you go :-).



  260.  #261Indigo on December 3, 2014 at 3:47 am

    Sirens,

    I just have to riff about how wonderful it has been the past few days without Facebook. There is an inner rightness to it which is coming into alignment with everything else that has been happening within me.

    It feels like a culminating factor in a feeling which has been building for some time now, that I need time away, not from people and relationships, but from the noise and the chaos. Time, years, to find myself, to love myself, to know myself… It seems so unconventional, so contrary to societal wisdom, to take this… I hesitate to call it “break” because it is more like being in a chrysalis, where it doesn’t look like much is happening to the outside world, and then one day all of a sudden, you burst forth in all your glory!

    I can feel I need this time of ease, of letting the lands of my soul lie fallow for a while, so to speak. I have just felt this for a while now. I am a big believer in timing. Now is not my time, my time is in a few years from now, maybe somewhere between 3 and 6 years, I’m not sure. For now, my job is to care for me and take a holiday.

    I want a committed partner more than anything else in this world, but I want the right person at the right time.



  261.  #262Lotus on December 3, 2014 at 3:49 am

    After chat with DP, I felt siren cool last night, took a bath, brain was chit-chatting like a washing machine cycle, kept telling myself go back to body and feel the water and warmth. I doubted my calm coolness, were tears going to come? Still no tears, checked in with my inner child, she seems quiet, no kicking off. Are we all ok here? Better to know where we stand right, we don’t have to be scared of being abandoned now as he’s not really there.
    Felt a bit worried about my ok-ness, that DP proposed being mates as he’s unable to give me attention I deserve and that he’ll only be able to see me twice this month. Twice he’s opted to step down and not up, and quite extreme ‘solutions’ too. That feels crappy.. I spoke my truth and he wants to dumb things down even more… ppaaarrrrrrhhhhrrrr…

    So I feel disappointed and bit sad today. I have other guys clambering to see me, who make an effort, yet I don’t care so much for them. He has the combo of delicious dark blue eyes, the clean smell, a nice build, romance, family guy, chivalry. Maybe it’s all that with the aloofness. Dammit. My coach Valarie says I’m still attracting guys who aren’t fully available bc my heart isn’t fully open. I’m not quite there yet.

    Which is why I keep pledging on a daily basis, I will keep my heart open. I will keep CDing, just that DP aint gonna be no.1 in the rotation… a sense of disbelief for myself.. and he’s even said to not save this weekend for him in case he’s not well enough. I am no.1 hahaa..!



  262.  #263Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 4:22 am

    @ Indigo 260
    Schall I be ashamed for not wanting a committed partner?
    I mean, not that I actively “notwant” it, but there are other things I desire more.
    I want to have fun, passion, heat, and adventures…
    I think I am somewher around where Lotus is, on this one ๐Ÿ™‚



  263.  #264Lotus on December 3, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Victoria – hear hear ๐Ÿ™‚ Our desire leads us to the passion and fun we want to experience, as our energy builds up, our hearts will draw and magnetise more men who choose us for life. We will be able to choose him. I believe the man needs to know it more than us, so that he can do the work whether for himself or the woman of his sights. We just keep working on ourselves so we can become the strong inner core, the cultivated pearl, so we can attract the best possible life partner. oooh, Helen of Troy comes to mind (but too much drama there haha)..

    Aaaaaahhhh, imagine the peace that comes from this inner core. To feel I have so much self-love that I will not settle. We sirens deserve the best seaman. The one who has travelled, and seeks for his treasure, the one who treasures a woman’s heart, the one who is ready to love us because he has done his work, and found his purpose. We deserve strong men, not halfling man-boys. Oh i feel mighty and wicked now, all knowing queen-in-training climbing to my throne..

    I am riffing without being emotional.. working on emails whilst I’m half-riffing in my mind. It’s great to not pine now. Though I am bothered.. how dare he step down.. I feel myself defending.. hard to be vulnerable and lay down my sword. Time to get on my horse.

    Convo with DP was like a splash of cold water over my face, I am awake. He said it, and I know it, I deserve more attention and he can’t give it. Thanks for being honest. I feel my power rising, I know that meandering through CDing I will eventually meet the right one, in fact he will come searching for me.

    What I find puzzling is how I can be ‘the one’ for two guys I’ve known for 15 years. My estranged husband and his supposedly best mate. Yet I don’t want either of them, although I still have a thread connected to the estranged_hub.

    I want a lover, hot sex.. yet I want it with DP, he was safe, but did i trick myself into the illusion of intoxicating lovelust and cosmic dust? My wicked side is trying to emerge, signed onto the naughty POF site 2wks and can’t log back in to see crazy requests. So many horny men out there… following the RR I always knew it was the Rock Star path that suits me for now, not ready for commitment yet when I’m not divorced. I wonder how I can lap up a bit more with DP, one lover at a time says RR, yet I want it now, not waiting weeks on end!!! Feeling demanding.. energy rising!

    Are there any sirens out there who are divorced or emerging out of separation? Would appreciate knowing how it was resolved for you when it’s your decision to leave a co-dependent relationship or where the man wont do his work but won’t let go of you. On NYE I will have been separated for a year. I keep thinking how a divorce this year would be a clean cut, yet I can’t seem to make the move. Inner child doesn’t want to let go of her friend. She is getting stronger, learning to trust me.



  264.  #265Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Victoria 257 Thanks for the QP reference.
    I’m learning more about myself and what I want here on this site too. I attract men who are difficult because I like the thrill of the chase and pursuit I guess. Anyone too nicy nice and there is no passion.

    I want to have my buttons pushed so I can learn more about myself too. It is helping with my heart opening though it is painful. I’m discovering that heart opening is not for the ‘faint of heart’. It takes a lot of courage and mental toughness.

    That’s why MusicTd is massively intriguing to me for this reason.

    I like the Schroedinger’s Cat theory too. Thanks for clarifying. He does seem to be both interested and not interested and I don’t want to open the box and find out. It’s the ambiguity that ignites my energy, passion and aliveness, which right now I very much need ignited. It’s been awhile.

    So I think I will leave the option of opening the box to him and hopefully I will have figured out enough of what I need by then.

    I’m trying a couple of the online dating sites the free version. Slim pickings in my age group! They have scraggly face hair, want a ‘fatihful’ woman, and are perfection personified. Most are in extremely poor shape and actually need a caretaker instead. Yikes. Although I can ‘wink’ for free I have to pay to contact these people. Right?



  265.  #266Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 5:58 am

    Lotus,
    Does Rori say one lover at a time?
    I don’t think she does, or I have selective hearing only about the parts I like ๐Ÿ™‚



  266.  #267Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Mistea,
    I really like you! You are a Rock Star!
    It takes a lot of courage for a woman to admit that she likes a man because of his ambiguity!
    This is such great and honest statement…
    And I think you are just doing great with trying out online dating!
    Brava!



  267.  #268Lotus on December 3, 2014 at 6:27 am

    Victoria – in Targeting Mr. Right, she says start with one lover at a time, and to learn with that experience, and then I realise I’m not looking to be a wife right now so I can bend the rules Matrix fashion! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    And then the rock star and sex thing, no she talks about polyamory, as long as we can handle the emotions and not get hung up on a guy. A hot lover on tap would be nice… hmmmm

    Mistea – how long have you been seeing MusicCD? After 3months, I couldn’t handle the ambiguity anymore and I felt like I was going to pop.

    I am a natural inquisitor. DP just confused me, first offered to be a distraction (cos of my separation), took me a while to realise he wasn’t just after sex, then romanced me, felt like we were falling for each other. Such wonderful kisses, butterflies and dreamy eyes from the sea. He took me on dates and away for weekends.. lots of relationship building stuff. And now we’re both admitting we don’t want a relationship. Pah! I wonder if we’re just deluded and just in love with the concept of falling in love. We;re both Librans after all, and we love being in love! Pah again…
    I actually feel relieved and grateful that I don’t have to feel so guilty for keeping my options open. I was starting to give in and feel submissive if he wanted a relationship. Silly me. No no, I will hold onto my horse, listen to my own intuition. I realised my friends were buying into more cos they saw how happy I was, they were saying I needed to stop dating other men. Only I knew deep down we both weren’t ready. Hmmm.. RR is controversial!! Not for the faint hearted, definitely edgy stuff! Sirens roarrrr!



  268.  #269Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 6:42 am

    Lotus 264
    Heh, heh, I guess I still have a way to go as I’m still attracted to the hafling man-boys. The strong men are scary and maybe a little boring. My coach Mary said in a committed relationship that we have to be able to ‘put our life into his hands’. So we have to have enough awareness about ourselves and others to trust another with our life and safety.

    My question becomes, how does one keep passion and excitement alive in the enclosure of this safety? I can not imagine this at all yet.

    My divorce situation may or may not be relevant here. I was married 25 years and felt so controlled from 15 yrs on that it was finally suicide or get out. Husband thought we had the perfect marriage. He offered a few concessions but I separated to take a job in another state. He went right out and found another wife and 6 weeks later he was ok with the divorce which I initiated then. I was relieved to get it over with and the clean break helped me come into my own woman status. It was helpful that he didn’t bother me after that.
    Oohhh, I had a good time for about 5 years. I discovered casual sex means nothing without the depth though. Luckily, I found a meditation teacher and a wonderful group of people to associate with.

    MusicTd on the other hand was also dumped by the wife and couldn’t remove his wedding ring for 2 years after the divorce. Apparently he still associates with her though I hear she can’t stand him. 14 years later he has never remarried and his music is the unconditional lover that no one can compete with. So far! Yeah right, how can I compete with pure beauty? I listen and sometimes weep over the depth and beauty.



  269.  #270Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Lotus,
    Your story is a very interesting one, and opens up more emotions in me, so let me share.
    One of the thing I have learnt/am still learning to appreciate, is ambiguity. It is an acquired taste, I think, like black caviar, you will not like it at first, but taken in the right way (on toast or with champagne) it can really grow on you, and be delicious.
    There is, in my mind, nothing wrong with being in an ambiguous relationship. The part I dislike is being in a boring relationship, one which lacks positive experiences and inspiration.
    I know most women think they should date just one man. I am not sure, even for the long haul, I am not sure I want only one man. Two I think is good, and three – probably ideal :-). Or may be not. May me when I meet the One and Only, he will be the One and Only… Either way suits me. Damn, I am so full of myself, I must be pretty annoying. So I shall shut up :-).



  270.  #271Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 6:54 am

    Lotus 268
    It is the ambiguity that is driving all this for me! The buttons pushed and the nudge I get are what is the force for me to work on some deep survival issues. I’ve been associating with MusicTd for about 5 months now and just finished 30 days of lean back. Interesting.



  271.  #272Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 7:08 am

    Victoria 271
    Are you my long lost cousin? Glad to know a fellow adventurer! Happy hunting in the new year.

    May the ambiguity enlighten our lives, make us stronger, more confident and let us explore the very depth and height of existence.



  272.  #273Lotus on December 3, 2014 at 7:10 am

    I feel warm, like we are sat round the fire circle, sharing our stories as women.

    Mistea – thank you so much for sharing. Since I’ve been CDing and realise my own passion, having it being ignited by new men, I feel the power to create it in a loving relationship, but my estranged_hub has too big a mountain to climb for me to give my life into his hands. Your last comment really gave me an aha moment. This ambiguity has stirred me up with DP too, nothing has lit me up like him, I sniffed his Persil-cloaked sweater for a week and felt myself go teenage crazy. I too have been working on deep survival issues. You are right, and put things into words so well. I feel my lesson with DP is I am ok by myself, and can enjoy a relationship not on my terms because it electrifies me enough.. haha.

    Victoria – your comment made me laugh out loud ๐Ÿ˜€
    I too have strong tastes, black caviar.. mmm heaven! Yet one taste and I want more.. probably til I’m sick! I’ve been dating a few men too, altho no-one comes close to DP with his hot footballer thighs and dreamy kisses. He’s even shared his fave rom-com movies with me, told me his hero is Darcy… I know that he will make a great husband and dad one day.. but alas I know what is waiting for me when i get myself proper Siren wings.. am planning a hot trip to Spain early next year. Maybe we could all have a siren holiday together??? ๐Ÿ™‚



  273.  #274Mistea1 on December 3, 2014 at 8:04 am

    FW 234
    And she also says that when both people are open to learning about their triggers is when progress is made.

    Good to keep that in mind.



  274.  #275Liquid Light on December 3, 2014 at 10:17 am

    I had a really fun time last night and met some fun people. One guy and I hit it off. Today he messaged me said that he is outgoing and very kind and didn’t know if that is what I’m looking for? So sweet! Since my last boyfriend was outgoing and mean, it sounds great to me! LOL



  275.  #276Azure Blu on December 3, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    LL #274
    LOL!!!
    YES to outgoing and VERY kind!



  276.  #277Victoria on December 3, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    Sirens,
    I had a lovely date with F. Towards the end of the date he was kind of silent and I asked him ” whats up baby?”. He said he hasn’t been sleeping well lately. So I asked him – I guess you wake up at a weird hour like 4 a.m., and can’t go back to sleep? He said yes. So I asked him, what do you do then, and he said, “I open up my mail and read you old love letters”. And I knew right there he was still bothered that I did not reply to hil letter two weeks ago. It is still bugging him. He kind of asked why I am not writing to him anymore and I had to pretend I did not know what he meant and I said “baby I have replied to all your love letters and i am looking forward to receive more from you”. So, my question is, is there penalty for lying/avoiding the truth? I can see he has been deeply upset that I ignored him, but the truth of the matter is he stepped up after that, like FW said, he is liking a higher degree of difficulty… My gut tells me keep on the lean back, but my comsciousness tells me ” you are a manipulative bitch”.



  277.  #278Liquid Light on December 3, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    Azure ๐Ÿ™‚



  278.  #279Indigo on December 3, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    Victoria 269,

    I really like this paragraph of yours:

    “One of the thing I have learnt/am still learning to appreciate, is ambiguity. It is an acquired taste, I think, like black caviar, you will not like it at first, but taken in the right way (on toast or with champagne) it can really grow on you, and be delicious.
    There is, in my mind, nothing wrong with being in an ambiguous relationship. The part I dislike is being in a boring relationship, one which lacks positive experiences and inspiration.”

    I feel as if this is the land where I have taken up residence the last few years, and the boring does tend to fall away when you give yourself permission to play with ambiguity. I like to think of dancing with it. I tried initially to follow the well-worn path with the “right” guy whom I married – he was good looking, successful and intelligent, charming and funny, and he absolutely adored me. But within a couple of years I felt like I was suffocating, I knew I had chosen wrong for me, in fact I knew it from the beginning, but it seemed like such an objectively sound decision.

    This is what propelled me into my dance with ambiguity.

    I am convinced that one day the ambiguity will start narrowing down, and the right choice in terms of a romantic partner will be clear to me. I think it will be one man, and I think it will be an unusual choice which won’t make sense to most people, but will be just right for me.



  279.  #280Zia on December 3, 2014 at 11:46 pm

    I am feeling a bit better today. I feel excited and optimistic. I have almost completed my first full year of study since leaving high school. I have some business plans in the works and am excited about what the next year or two will bring. My bf and I have been making more plans about moving in together, and he has been so supportive of my business and study plans. To think a year ago he was just a work acquaintance who I would see every now and then on the bus and chat to on the phone when he called for computer help. This time a year ago I could have have predicted being where I am right now with him, but wow what a year ๐Ÿ™‚



  280.  #281Mistea1 on December 4, 2014 at 5:55 am

    Victoria 277
    So you want to tell him actions count without saying it that way? Could this be construed as an unconscious manipulation by him? This is my take on this based on what happened to me. It’s easier to accuse you than to adjust his actions even though sounds like he did adjust somewhat and realizes he’s being reeled in by you and he’s doing it to himself. That’s how I interpret Rori’s tools. He’s supposed to think it’s all his own idea, I guess.

    MusicTd reacted to the lean back by acting like I was ‘chasing’ him and let me know how many friends he has and doesn’t have time for more. He is going to reject me before I reject him even though the lean back occurred first and I moved away first. Of course he still hasn’t addressed my ‘step up to the plate issue’. Oh well, I’m preparing to move on though keeping an eye on February after all the activity.
    He seems to be trying to keep options open by telling me exact dates and that he will be back to stay in February. A most wiley opponent for me. Maybe the wileyness will be what trips him up. I don’t know.



  281.  #282Indigo on December 4, 2014 at 6:13 am

    Victoria 277,

    For what it’s worth, I think our conscious mind is often overly concerned with what other people think, or what we *think* they think. What did you actually do that was so terrible?

    Nothing in my opinion. Certainly nothing manipulative. I would go with my gut if I were you.



  282.  #283Victoria on December 4, 2014 at 6:24 am

    Mistea,
    I don’t know what I want to tell him. The lean back has been difficult for me. I am a very honest person, I speak my truth most of the time, and I find it difficuly to avoid/bend the truth, even when there are very clear benefits to that, both for me and for my counterparties. And, manipulation is just a word, it means nothing more than one of the parties thinks there is something unfair about the situation, whereas, when it comes to romace, fairness is a concept with very limited (if any) meaningful application.
    So lets step away from what is fair, and concentrate on what feels good. I just did not feel good pretending that I did not understand what he meant asking me why I did not reply to his letter. But I did not feel good either to tell him that this is part of my lean back strategy. Can you imagine his reaction to that? I am thinking, some day, I might just point him to this blog, and say, I am the Victoria writing here, go ahead and read all my feeling messages. How about that?



  283.  #284Mistea1 on December 4, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Victoria 283
    Thanks for the discussion. I find your replies so clarifying. Manipulation may be the wrong word to use if a person is reacting unconsciously. There is something we don’t know about that is holding a person back from expressing the love they also feel. A person acts on their level of consciousness and when challenged certain aspects of consciousness are brought out. Maybe to protect, defend, I don’t know.

    I agree fairness doesn’t enter in here. Feeling observation and seeing what is and having compassion for their level of consciouness which may or may not be in sync with ours counts.

    Aahh, truth. Who’s truth are we talking about here? Given his and your levels of consciousness can we say one of you (and me too) has the anchor on the truth of the matter.

    Perhaps loving kindness is all that’s required of us towards both parties. You are right, feeling is what happens in the moment and where I want to be as well.

    You do have a conundrum there about telling. Maybe there is a third way. Let me, (us) know when you find it. ๐Ÿ™‚



  284.  #285Victoria on December 4, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    He disappointed me again. He had offered a date for today, and then today it turns up he can’t do it because he has a 12 hour shift… I was disappointed just a little bit but still felt good from yesterday’s date.
    And then I made a major mistake. I leaned forward. I was having lunch at a nice restaurant with friends, so I thought it was a good idea to bring some of this delicious food to him. So I got it and I was on my way to bring it to him and I called him and he said no, don’t come, I have eaten, and I am way too busy so just don’t come. I hung up, tears started running through my face and I brought the bag of delicious food to a beggar on the street. I talked to him on the phone and we had a major fight. I know it is all my fault. I should have just continued leaning back. My heart is truly aching. I shall never do this again. Never. I felt do rejected so humiliated. Oh well. I will survive. And this is the guy I was worried about him being upset that I did not reply to his love letter… Whats wrong with you Victoria, have you lost your mind?



  285.  #286Andrea on December 4, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    Oh no Victoria!! Learning, learning, learning… it’s a struggle but that’s all we’re doing. Learning. Nothing at ALL is wrong with you.
    Nothing!!!!! You’re beautiful and your mind isn’t lost. I feel such consternation and I feel that squeezing insecurity of… if he loves me why doesn’t he want to spend time with me? And… I’m the one who did something wrong. I’m the one who made mistakes. I’m the one who’s messing up.

    And I soooo understand that. I’ve started to realize that if I have no hold on the outcome then there really are no mistakes. There’s only, how do I feel in this moment? How do I feel now??

    I know you feel ick right now but please don’t beat yourself up. And maybe your inner you just really needed to sift those feelings up to the forefront so you could sit with them, love them, feel them deeply, let us love you and more!!



  286.  #287Andrea on December 4, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    And my great achievement for the week is: I get to practice practice practice all the time at work with these railroad men who come and go and need our front desk staff to drive them around our town and through the rail yards while they are putting their trains together.

    Last night I was the driver for a couple of crews who found themselves in a strange and stressful situation. One of the conductors ended up snapping at me quite harshly. A couple of times he was short with me and giving me directions in the railroad lingo he is used to.

    In the past I have just taken this treatment, counted it as part of the job, made excuses for the man.
    Last night I stopped all activity. I said, “Enough.”
    I used the radio so that all the men could hear me and I basically said, “I am leaving you men if certain things don’t change right now. Please advise.”

    Did I feel awkward that all six of those men were forced to stop what they were doing and attend to ME?? Yes, very awkward, intimidated, and scared. But they gathered around my truck and I told them, “You need to understand that I am not a railroad worker, I am a front desk clerk. These rides that you’re getting from me are a courtesy from our hotel. And furthermore I am a woman. I am sensitive and I feel intimidated being out here alone in this rail yard with all of you men. I feel fearful and I feel vulnerable. I want to be treated gently. The way that I will feel more comfortable is to get clear, concise instructions in phrases that I can understand. And to hear please and thank you. I want to feel heard and I want to feel understood or I will drive away right now.”

    Oh those men… those wonderful big burly men… well they all turned on the one man who was snapping at me. They made him apologize and then they kept saying, “On behalf of our company, I want to say I’m sorry.” They made every effort to see that I was comfortable. They checked in every now and then on the radio. “How is Andrea doing? Tell her we’re almost done.” etc….

    Then on the ride back to the hotel they were all questions and curious about me, about my single-hood, about my feelings. They were so different from the ughy male macho work mode men. Two of them shared with me that they forget to change their attitudes when they get home from work and sometimes treat their wives the same way they treat their rail partners.

    I kept saying, “Well I feel safe now and so grateful.” And I got to tell them, “I can’t speak for every woman out there, but just me, when I’m the most happy and comfortable is when I feel sensitive and soft and protected and cared for. When I feel considered. When my feminine side is considered.”

    Oh those men… they were so responsive to that. They offered me water bottles and opened the hotel door for me. They became like my big brothers. All of them. And the man who snapped at me took the time to explain all the stress that he was under, and kept saying, “Really, I just wasn’t thinking about you. I’m really sorry.”

    He even peeked around the ledge at our hotel hours later and asked, “Are we okay now?”

    I learned such a big lesson. First of all I’m so proud of myself for sticking up for myself and for letting myself feel and not respond to that uncomfortable quaking and shaking when all the attention was on me. I realized that those men aren’t going to consider me anything but a doormat unless I stop seeing myself as a doormat in their presence. But I also used the feeling messages because it was honestly how I felt. I don’t want romance with any of these men, but when I’m surrounded by them and I feel intimidated it makes me very unhappy. And I don’t feel as though I should go to work and be forced to feel unhappy.

    What is even better is that when I explained to my manager all that happened and what exactly I said to the men, he backed me up 100 percent. He lauded my communication skills and did not make me feel like a weakling or something less than. Instead he made me feel like he had even more confidence in me and that I could “handle” the situations I’m put in.

    Today at work I feel triumphant. I feel ownership in my experience.



  287.  #288Andrea on December 4, 2014 at 7:46 pm

    Another experience I feel triumphant about is RRguy. My RRguy. The one I DO so much want a romantic relationship with.
    I had had no contact from him and have leaned way back and gone on with my life. But Wednesday morning I awoke and noticed he had texted me the night before. He texted, “Hey girl, how you doing?” Then an hour later he texted, “….. okay?”

    And that was it.

    I had been sleeping soundly and wasn’t able to respond to him. When I noticed the text from him, I was happy.

    I texted, “Oh I feel happy this morning. Good morning.”
    He texted me: “Listen, I just want to be able to text you and check in with you when you are occupying my mind so much, at a time when I’m not on a train and have my phone off. No ulterior motive. I just wanted to say hey.”

    ulterior motive?? hmmm I’m not sure what he meant by that, but.. not my business. I like that he said I occupy his mind.

    I texted: “I feel more connected to you when you contact me and that makes me happy. Thank you for thinking of me and for checking in.”

    Then I heard nothing from him until at about 1:00 am this morning. He texted something…

    But my response was: I feel happy when you contact me, for sure, AND if you would like to communicate with me, you may call me. I would love to hear from you.

    And that was it. No contact. No calls.

    The reason I feel good about this is that it now gives me an opportunity to lay a new foundation. His silence is affording me the patience I need to see my own needs through. When it comes to anybody that I’m going to be serious about; I want phone calls. I want voice contact.

    So I’ve laid the groundwork. If he leans toward me again, I’ll be able to say it again, “I feel wonderful when you contact me, but if you want to communicate with me, you may call me.”

    And if he doesn’t want to call, then I assume he doesn’t really want to communicate. There’s something about that dance…. I’m learning to move gently in the same pace that he’s moving.

    With RRguy, there is virtually no movement except that he lets me know that I am on his mind every once in a while. Honestly, he is on my mind more than that, but not as much he used to be AND I feel unconcerned about letting him know that. So, when he moves the pace a little bit, I respond in kind, stepping in time with him. If he texts, I text and let him know that HE would get more out of the contact if he would call. But, if he doesn’t want to, that’s okay. I’m okay.

    Meanwhile… Bring On the Christmas CD’s please. : )



  288.  #289Mistea1 on December 4, 2014 at 8:41 pm

    Andrea 287 How wonderful. You have really mastered the sirens call! What a lovely instructive post you just did. I feel happy to hear how they all gathered around you and took care of you. I’ll be reading this one again. Thanks



  289.  #290Mistea1 on December 4, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Andrea 287
    I’ll bet there are a number of wives of these men who got quite a different attitude from them on returning home. Everyone needs reminders like this. Woo hoo.



  290.  #291Sophie on December 4, 2014 at 9:05 pm

    Andrea – your post about the rail road men had me feeling teary! I love men – look how wonderfully they responded as soon as they KNEW. I feel heart swelly for them and I feel such cherishing of you – you showed them something beautiful that they may never ever forget! That feels monumental! And, how wonderfully and vulnerably, yet powerfully you communicated how you were feeling so that they could hear it. Wow!



  291.  #292Medusa on December 4, 2014 at 9:55 pm

    Sirens,
    Could I get a lil help with scripting?

    I went out with a guy tonight (first date) – he turned out to be extremely attractive – and I completely freaked out inside. I was sitting in front of a mirror and all I could do was think about how horrible I looked, how limp my hair was, how fat my arms were, and comparing myself unfavorably to this gorgeous, sexy, successful man.

    There were a couple of moments when he could tell I was feeling SOMEthing, and he asked me about it, and I managed to say “I feel nervous” but when he asked why, I couldn’t bring myself to say the truth, which was “I feel so intimidated by you, and so unworthy, and so much less attractive than you, and basically just awful about myself.” That was how I was feeling and I know it’s awful but I couldn’t seem to turn it around and I could NOT bring myself to say that.

    There was an awkward moment during the date that I felt like I handled lovingly to myself. He pointed out that something I said sounded defensive, and he was right. I felt so weird and uncomfortable, and I said something like “I feel really weird… I actually feel like I want to bolt… like maybe run to the restroom or something… yeah, I think I’ll do that.” And then I bolted for the ladies’ room. I spent a minute in there telling myself I was beautiful and hugged myself and told me I am being so brave. I let the feelings course through me, and I did the Paint Yourself With Love tool. When I came out, he apologized sincerely for upsetting me, and I smiled and said “Thank You.” But just a few more minutes in, and there I was feeling entirely inferior again. (Wow, I’m noticing that I feel very angry writing this.)

    All I could think were those awful thoughts about myself, and I DID NOT want to say how ugly and inferior and unworthy I was feeling. It sounded too pathetic, like wearing a bright red badge that says “I’m worthless, don’t bother paying attention to me.” I realize that vibe was probably radiating off me like smelly stinkwaves, but at least I didn’t verbalize it. Did I just write that?! Argh, I know I’m supposed to verbalize everything, but that just sounded awful, AWFUL, and I didn’t have a script handy and I REALLY didn’t want to say that stuff. I have been using Feeling Messages with great success for a few years now, and I have not been triggered this intensely in a while.

    This is not the first time this has happened. I have major unworthiness triggers that activate whenever I meet a man I really like. I am working on the self love end of it, and I am working some Tools and mirror work, etc, to turn this “unworthiness” belief around in myself… but in the meantime, what I’d really like some help with is SCRIPTING. Is there something I can say when I’m feeling this way that will sound more powerful and less pathetic? Am I looking at this situation entirely wrong?

    Thanks in advance for the wonderful Wisdom of the Sirens.

    Love,
    Medusa



  292.  #293Medusa on December 4, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    Please forgive me, but I’m feeling exhausted. I will follow up tomorrow. Thanks in advance to anyone who would care to add something. I will thank you specifically tomorrow.



  293.  #294IamHis on December 4, 2014 at 10:12 pm

    I feel confused. How can feeling safe, secure, and adored; both when you are away from a man & with him, how can that be all that matters? Who he is DOES matters. A man who is going to help you be the best version of yourself through life’s ups and downs, I’m sorry, but that’s not always going to feel good, is it? It’s going to feel a little unsafe, getting out of your comfort zone, growing as individuals sharing a life together. When the weaknesses present themselves, they are not going to be adorable. They won’t make you feel secure, but shaky.

    All those feelings feel unattainable in this uncertain life. Sometimes you’ll feel that way, with or without a man, but sometimes you just won’t.

    It has to go beyond feelings, it has to go to the character of who the two people in the relationship are.

    This is all theoretical, of course.

    That’s all relationships have been to me…theoretical. No one even feels good enough for me right now. I can think of only one guy I respect that much, & I’m pretty sure he has forgotten I exist. I don’t know that. I feel jealous of him though. His energy is like glowing. I don’t feel like I’m glowing. I feel like an ember, barely hanging onto the light of her fire that has all but gone out.

    I want to take better care of myself. Eat better, drink more water, move more. My body just hasn’t been feeling good since I got here. I miss my light, I miss my vibrancy. I feel so sad and confused and lonely.

    & I miss high school guy. I want him. He’s known me at my best, he believes the best in me, sometimes more than I believe it myself. I miss his touch, his faith in me, & the way he looks at me like I’m a rare and precious jewel. He touches me like I’m a rare and preciour jewel.

    I feel scared that he doesn’t care about me anymore. I think he knows I’m back in town, but I’m not sure. I almost feel too embarrassed about my life to even see and catch up with him, but I want him and his faith in me and his reassurance and his touch.



  294.  #295Indigo on December 4, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    Andrea,

    This is lovely, I learnt so much from this statement: “Iโ€™ve started to realize that if I have no hold on the outcome then there really are no mistakes.” It’s so true. Why beat ourselves up when we actually have not that much control over what happens?

    I hope you don’t mind me sharing my observations, when I read about RRguy’s texts my instinct was that this was classic unavailable behaviour. To me the “ulterior motive” comment to me reads that he doesn’t want to give you the wrong idea and that he is not really available for a relationship. This is just how it seems to me!

    I am so glad you are holding to your boundaries about phone calls. SUCH a good thing.



  295.  #296Indigo on December 4, 2014 at 11:34 pm

    Medusa 292,

    I can’t say what the perfect Rori way to handle this is, but I’ll tell you how I handle a situation such as this. Firstly, I think you were SO right not to tell him you felt pathetic/inferior/ugly/unworthy. For what it’s worth, I think I would probably NEVER say that to a man, and especially not to a man on a first date. The reason for this is that I don’t believe these are really feelings, they are judgments about yourself.

    They are judgments you have made about yourself, and flipping this would be addressing those judgments, not verbalising every thought, to me. So, I would remind myself that they are just judgments I have made in the moment, they are not true, and they are not how I always feel about myself. I would try to access the feelings of a time when I felt really beautiful and confident, and I would try to live in that feeling instead. I would sink into my body and give lots of love to myself, try to soothe my spinning thoughts, breathe deeply and remind myself that I am the yummy pie, that I am gorgeous and precious and that I have everything I need to attract a man, this man or any man, simply because I am a woman and I love me.

    I would smile at my nasty insecure voices telling me these terrible things, I would pat them on the head and say “aww” and give them a cookie and tell them to run along and play.

    If I really had to say a feeling message, I would say “I feel out of my depth/unsure/nervous” and then I’d smile at this man and at myself, safe in the knowledge that he wants to help me feel better.



  296.  #297Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 12:36 am

    Andrea,
    thank you for your kind words. May I riff some more?
    My inner me just had to be reminded of the lesson. Had to relearn something I thought I had learnt.
    Do not lean forward. Do not lean forward. Not one bit. Just do not do it. Ever. If you do it once, just a little bit, it will produce the very predictable effect you fear, and it will unleash all the insecurities and all the discomfort.
    The truth is, among other things, I was probably a bit tipsy. I had this lovely lunch with three other women, and we shared a bottle of wine. I should not have drunk at all. I do not tolerate alchohol well, and I keep telling myself, not even one single glass, girl, it is really bad for you. I get tipsy, but also my stomach gets upset (I am probably missing an enzyme or something) and I know I MUST NOT DRINK at all, but it was such a pleasant social situation, and I thought just one small glass of this delicious red wine.
    And then, after I drunk it, my mind drifted away from my friends at the restaurant table, and I was in F’s arms. And I was feeling in this weird schisophrenic state I was there with them, swapping funny stories about men, work, etc., and I was not there at all, I knew he was at work, having a 12 hour shift, and I know he forgets to eat, and by the afternoon he is starving and needs food and attention. I started looking through the menu, ordered his favorite things, and had them packed and ready for him.
    Now when I think about that, I just wanted to have my cancelled date. I wanted to force him to have the date he cancelled with me. I get mad that he had offered to have a date, without having checked his schedule first. He knows his schedule a month in advance, he has it saved on his mobile phone, I have seen it. BUT. He does not share with me, and I am not asking to know his schedule. This is his private space, and not for me to intrude, he will let me know when he is free and when he wants to be with me.
    I am angry with the fact that he is careless. He forgets to check. Forgets to pay his parking. He is almost always late. I know he is just like this, not only with me but with his life, he is laid back, relaxed, not worried about deadlines, not worried about keeping promises, he lets it all flow, and I am so much the opposite, we are like water and oil, we can’t merge on this one.
    Which of course opens me up to the facts that I am impatient, judgemental, and very easily upset. I love myself with all these, but they just show that I am un-flexible, and not willing to go my half-ot-the way to meet him halfway.
    So I think, another very strong lean back is what is required here. I have to concentrate on myself, exercing my body even more (training produces those lovely endorpins too, you know), do not dring AT ALL (now with the holidays that is a big one), eat well, just take care OF ME, and leave him alone, just please leave the poor guy alone, Victoria, just let go.
    Thank you.



  297.  #298Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 12:41 am

    @ Medusa
    Why did you choose this name, lovely lady?
    You know there is a saying, what you call somebody, they will become.
    From that picture I see next to your name you have to be called Aurora, or Bella, or Gorgeous.
    Don’t you think?



  298.  #299Indigo on December 5, 2014 at 2:09 am

    Sirens,

    I have some things to share with you:

    First of all, I think I mentioned to you all a few days ago that I’ve decided to walk away from D, for reasons that I’ve both gone into here and also some that I don’t want to go into. I feel I need to let him go to continue his journey – he has so much to learn still. Maybe our stories will connect again. Since then he has contacted me twice this week, saying hi, wanting to know how my day was etc. I was light and soft, but brief – no leaning forward at all.

    I wrote on here about how I don’t want to date and get romantically involved for a while. The thought of it feels like overwhelming pressure. It’s something I just have no desire to take on right now. I would love more than anything to find my perfect partner, but it has to be the right person, and not now. So… I decided on the spur of the moment to take a lover! I mentioned him a while ago, an old flame who contacted me out of the blue after many months of silence wanting to know if I’d be open to this. At first I completely brushed him off – I was horrified and found the whole idea ridiculous. But, now it seems less so. He’s very attractive and I am physically attracted to him, he is easy enough to be around, he is a friend and I am reasonably comfortable in his company. He makes me feel relaxed and laid back, but emotionally there is absolutely nothing there. I dated him briefly and discovered that he would drive me mad as a boyfriend. I never did become emotionally invested in him and in fact am convinced that he is quite wrong for me, so in a way this made him the perfect candidate.

    I decided to give it a shot because, you know, you only live once, and I thought it might be nice to have all that physical contact without any of the pressure which feels so abhorrent to me at the moment. He confirmed he is not looking for a relationship either, so, perfect. I went over to his house and we watched TV. He was relaxed and very affectionate, checking constantly that I had everything I needed and attending to me, and sex was not earthmoving or nearly as good as it had been with D, but it was certainly very pleasant and I felt thoroughly considered and cared for. The whole experience was really fun and that was all. I will call him C. Maybe I will do this again with him, it felt so fun and flirty and mischievous. It felt liberating!



  299.  #300Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 3:18 am

    Indigo,
    I would do the same thing in your shoes.
    My logic is very simple: I feel depressed, I feel lonely, I feel bored. I am lacking endorphins.
    What produces endorphines?
    Sex.
    Exercise.
    Chocolate.
    In this order.



  300.  #301Indigo on December 5, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Victoria,

    That simple logic is exactly what I employed.

    I realised it would cheer me up, provide some smiles and fun and make me feel good, both about myself and in general. I like to take it one step further and think about how I will feel an hour, a day and week afterwards, and I realised I would be absolutely fine, so I went for it ๐Ÿ™‚



  301.  #302Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 3:37 am

    It’s only s. Does not have to be the answer to all eternal questions. ๐Ÿ™‚



  302.  #303Indigo on December 5, 2014 at 3:49 am

    Victoria,

    Yes! And thank heavens for that! ๐Ÿ˜€

    And he is GORGEOUS. So I felt pretty good.



  303.  #304Andrea on December 5, 2014 at 4:07 am

    Ahhh Indigo. So much to ponder. I feel excited to get in to work now as I can spend much more time on the computer there.

    As for RRguy. Yes, I agree with you there. I feel his message is, “I don’t have (time, what it takes, the desire, whatever…) to be in a relationship with you.”

    And I feel sad. And that sadness is not about him. And I feel elated and that elation is not about him. I feel sad that I still, as yet, have unmet desire. I feel elated that I’m that much closer.

    I feel grateful to have the practice, to finally finally understand what I need to lay the foundation toward building the existence that I want.

    I feel that it’s the groundwork that is important here, not getting that particular man. He is the catalyst to my growth and to my inner peace.

    I want it to be him because I have this feeling …like… I want the learning on this level to be done now, man I’d like to move to the next stage in this development. And it’s just MY own angst and (something else.. not sure) that makes me think that the next stage is having an actual relationship with somebody. heeheehee… Yes, I would really like to have a relationship now please. Universe! Please.

    : ) I’m kind of tired of learning alone.



  304.  #305Andrea on December 5, 2014 at 4:58 am

    Another part of the sadness is… grieving, grieving for the old way.

    There is a deep and final knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do; no strategy that I can map out (and I do so enjoy strategizing) no psychology that I can figure out (and I do so enjoy trying figure another human being out) no manipulation I can pursue (and I really was used to being manipulative) and no change I can make in my own appearance, personality, beliefs.. (and believe me, I am a master at changing my own personhood in order to try to please or capture a man) but this time.. there is nothing I can do

    To Make RRguy want to do relationship with me.

    I have absolutely no control. I never did with any of the other men in my life either, but this is the first time I truly get it. There is nothing I can do to change him. There is nothing I can do to make THIS NOW reality be a different reality.

    And I’m used to spending hours upon hours in contemplation and plan making and focusing on the “him”. So a whole block of my energy and brain trip traps is now either un-used or going through the painstaking process of being re-focused.

    So there’s some grief. : ) Cleansing but sadness.



  305.  #306Mistea1 on December 5, 2014 at 5:30 am

    Andrea
    Very succinct observation. Well said.
    I wonder if all this in the larger scheme of things is to help us on our journey to wholeness.
    I am learning not to label or judge, think that what I’ll say or how I look is the definitive thing to do. etc. etc.

    It seems to me to be the best me I know how to be and they’ll either like it, be ready for it, or they won’t.

    I remember with some humor when I first met MusicTd I was 20 lbs heavier, scraggly hair, no make up etc. Well after he expressed interest I lost the weight, hair, makeup etc. so I became rather glamorous enough to get comments from others. So at least I got myself together somewhat. Then he started ‘running for the hills’ so to speak. Hmm.



  306.  #307Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 6:15 am

    Ahhh Indigo, C sounds so lovely. I feel such a rush of happiness inside that you’re putting yourself first, there is a lightness in your posts that feels nice, like a cool breeze!

    I have a similar situation with a man from my past, a Sag actually. I don’t usually pay attention to astrological signs but my best friend is an astrologist and when she described him, he fit his sign to a ‘t’. ๐Ÿ™‚ Anyway, he’s a very successful actor, nearly 15 years older than me, divorced. We met when I was 21. He made it very clear to me that he doesn’t trust women but told me I’m the closest he’s come since his divorce. I’ve always called him Adonis in my head because he looks like the very definition of male beauty made real. The sex is always amazing but a relationship will never be a possibility. He contacts me every now and again — I just saw him for a platonic CD date earlier this week, actually. When I’ve been between relationships he’s perfect as a lover; very into pleasing me and himself with enough emotional distance to keep us both safe.

    At some point a rush of feelings for D will come forward for you. Totally normal. Just be prepared for it, and don’t let it turn into confusion over C. I’ve been there too and it can hurt twice as much. However, I think this is so good for you and applaud your hot Sireness!!



  307.  #308Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 6:20 am

    Victoria, I just want to say that the push and pull you’re feeling inside right now is nothing to be afraid of or mad about. I know your experience with F yesterday was upsetting…I’d be mad too! But really, there’s nothing to beat yourself up over.

    Think of your relationship right now like a see-saw. You had your feet on the ground for awhile during the no-lean forward diet experiment, and F found himself dangling up in the air. Now he’s trying to get his feet on the ground by pulling back a bit (in part to see your reaction!) and you’re the one dangling up in the air.

    It will balance out, and you’ll find yourselves both with your feet on the ground on an even plank, if you just give it time. And feel your way through all of your emotions as you have been — but don’t get dramatic about it with him. Keep your cool, treat him as a friend if you must, keep it short and sweet unless he asks to see you. You know that he knows how to treat you…he’s shown you this. Trust in yourself that you won’t respond to his boundary tests negatively, and trust in him that he will figure things out and come forward in the way you want.

    No beating yourself up, Siren. You did just fine. ๐Ÿ™‚



  308.  #309Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 6:30 am

    Labbit, thank you.
    I missed your supportive and inspiring touch around here.
    I did not manage to not make it dramatic with him.
    I basically was crying on the phone with him yesterday, I told him I feel rejected and unloved…
    He got my full drama act, all of it, all that you can imagine.
    We spoke for two hours on the phone. As a result of this, he has been calling me today, asking me meekly “please don’t leave me”.
    I feel like I am losing a little bit of respect for me, for not being able to withhold the drama, and a little bit for him, because I want a man who is sure he is capable to give me what I need and I will have no reason to want to leave him. Very hugh standards for both of us :-).
    Anyhow, I am much better today. Much better.

    How have you been?



  309.  #310Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 6:35 am

    Yesterday was a rough day for me. TenderCD and I spent Thanksgiving weekend apart, each with our own families, though he did give me a ride out to mine and then back home on Sunday which felt so good. I had a wonderful time with my family and thought about him very little.

    We saw each other a couple of times early this week. Then yesterday my work schedule got switched up, so I changed from my normal gym class to one in the morning. TenderCD was there and I think we were both very surprised to come across each other. And I can’t say why but I felt like I’d invaded his space a little…as though I was in ‘his class.’ Like I’d leaned forward.

    A little later that morning, I felt that awful feeling inside where it feels like he’s totally abandoned me. Just completely pulled back, gone, left, empty, devastated. The last time I’d felt this was right before we argued and broke up for a day or two a few months ago. At least this time I knew what NOT to do — I didn’t panic and call him, or start rambling texts to him. Instead I dropped into it, reassuring myself that the fear, panic and seizing anxiety I felt wasn’t anything real but rather my own fears manifesting and had nothing to do with TenderCD at all. I practiced letting him go, opening my hands and not mentally chasing after him.

    It didn’t last too long and I felt so proud of myself…I’d beaten the gremlins! I felt a rush of his energy returning to me and not too long after he called. But then yesterday evening before bed the gremlins were back big time, and I felt off-balance and grumpy. I felt mad at being uncomfortable in class with him that morning — it was my gym first! I felt defiant, toddler-like. And I wish he’d been happy to see me instead of stand-offish. I’m still feeling echoes of it this morning though I’ll see him later tonight and I know everything is fine. I wish these gremlins would go away!



  310.  #311Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 6:37 am

    What is that with men who are Sag?
    That is, I am a Sag (obviously not a man ๐Ÿ™‚ but I noticed here they have some reputation?



  311.  #312Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 6:44 am

    Victoria 309 — Hey, it happens. We all lose our cool, we all get dramatic at times, men get it. Aww, it sounds like F is feeling very vulnerable right now. It might feel a little ick that he is pleading a bit…but men are human too, and he’s scared to lose you. He’s letting you see a place inside him very few people get to see. I think that’s rather romantic, really.

    I can imagine the range of emotions you must be feeling. The key, as you already know, is not to judge yourself for any of it. Anything you judge yourself for is going to stick to you like glue and then you repeat those things you don’t like over and over. If you can, back away from the intensity of the situation and look at it with objective eyes. F canceled a date last-minute, you leaned forward a bit, he pulled back a bit, you two fought, he’s still there and you’re still there. Not so bad.

    I am glad you feel better today! I loved catching up from the weekend on everything that has happened for you…I am taking notes from your growing expertise. ๐Ÿ™‚



  312.  #313Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Andrea 305,
    What do you mean you have no control?
    You have ALL the control. You are a magnet (this is from Rori, remember) and they are all little iron shavings attracted to you ๐Ÿ™‚



  313.  #314Lotus on December 5, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Just wanted to share this from RR, as I trawl through the blogs looking for fairy godmother’s answers. This is beautiful and resonates with me so much.

    Here is the Meditation and the Intention:

    I intend to turn toward love, affection, attention, cherishing, and away from the idea that any one person holds that for me. I intend to turn toward feeling good and away from feeling bad. I intend to turn toward my future and away from my past. Toward pleasure and away from pain.

    Toward happy movies and away from tragedies. To whoeverโ€™s laughing and away from whoeverโ€™s moody. I intend to allow myself to be pulled forward. I intend to step forward. I intend to use my gifts, show my heart, and never give up. I intend to live as if I believe that the mountain, the beach, the lake, all my dreams are real.

    Am seeing DP tonight after a month of his absence. I feel neutral.. I could go either way with my passion and his coldness. I blasted myself with Siren programme last night, and have acknowledged my need to be in the moment. The past is past. I will see what happens tonight, and carry with me my joy and warmth, and drop resentment and annoyance. I feel pouty and demanding and don;t like it, I want to feel cool and let this boat do what it does. I want fun moments and connection with him more than a regular relationship. I will try to feel how I feel in each moment. I feel scared to let him know I want to feel passion and aliveness, that yes I feel miffed, and no I don’t want to be a girlfriend. Just take me now and relieve me…
    Wish me luck sirens..



  314.  #315Indigo on December 5, 2014 at 7:21 am

    Labbit,

    I too have missed your wisdom and insights here on the blog. It feels nice to see you back!

    Thank you for your post to me. I have mentally prepared myself for the surges of strange feelings in the next few days/weeks. I have already experienced them, but so far I’ve just been able to ride them out. The feelings for D are still there, but there is also a practical sense of knowing what I need to do. I am glad you noticed the clarity and lightness in my posts, because that is how I feel. There is a journey that is unfolding and I am finally ready to let it unfold with no help from me!

    I felt light and effervescent with C last night. It felt freeing and like putting me first.



  315.  #316IamHis on December 5, 2014 at 7:48 am

    I riffed quite a bit on here last night. Searching questions, foamy seas of emotion, the fire of unrest and the desire to just devour the world until I intimately understood it. It got erased, & even though it feels a little silly, I felt somewhat devastated by losing that little piece of writing. That little moment of beautiful vulnerable me. I ended up in an agonizing prayer session with G0d instead, & feel so thankful for my daily bible reading of Ezekiel 21 this morning. Feeling thankful and passionately loved by my Creator this morning…



  316.  #317IamHis on December 5, 2014 at 7:56 am

    I guess some part of me wants the opposite of apathy, love, blood, justice, & in the midst of it all…mercy. exaltation for the humble and humility for the proud. I just realized that the passage may sound violent or crazy to those who jump in and just read it out of context, but within the context it is absolutely stunning, & was an answered prayer for me this morning to boot.



  317.  #318IamHis on December 5, 2014 at 7:59 am

    I am His…praise G0d Almighty, I am His. Ezekiel 16 really explains how I’m feeling…



  318.  #319Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 8:46 am

    Victoria 313 — LOVE THIS! and 311 — Well, LOL, I can only speak for myself but my experiences with Sags have always been super memorable. My closest male friend is a Sag and AdonisCD…he came along and swept me right off my feet. I had just broken things off with my college fiance and was enjoying newfound freedom. AdonisCD came in like Robin Hood or some crazy adventurer. He’s so charming, so suave, so very blunt. He gets away with saying and doing things to me that I’d NEVER let anyone else get away with. I’d never experienced anyone like him before. It was honestly hard for me to keep up with him at times, but when I could I’ve never had so much fun! At a superficial, sensual, physical level it was great, and to be fair we do have some amazing deep conversations too, but he’s so into skimming the surface of life that and jumping from one experience to the next that I get dizzy. It’s very hard to keep him in one place for long. Now that I know what to expect with him it’s so fun when he sweeps into my life like a tsunami, so long as I remember not to get swept away after him when he recedes and disappears. I know that if I was ever in deep trouble I could call him and he’d immediately appear. And he knows I’d do the same for him.

    But as far as a dependable, mature, stable man…he’s none of those things. Luckily, he doesn’t pretend to be any of those things either so as long as I keep my wits about me (one of us has to!) everything is fine. I have to imagine there’s a trail of heartbroken women who thought they could tame him in his wake, much like my close Sag friend has. It’s very easy to get sucked in by all the fun and not see the smoke and mirrors. My Sag friend did eventually settle down however and now he’s the consummate family man. Very dedicated to his wife and family, and he owns a well-known business in my hometown. I don’t think AdonisCD will ever settle down.



  319.  #320Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Lotus 314 — Good luck! It sounds like you are in a very good place, magnetic and Goddessy.

    IamHis 319 — I hesitate to say this to someone religious, so forgive me if I offend, but I’ve always believed that we are each god in our own universe. I believe that we each have complete control over our reactions to daily life and we hold in our own hands the power to change things for the better in any moment, as our Creator intended for us. I believe in a friendly universe with abundant chances for success, and that any pain or sadness is simply a lesson for us when we try to warp or manipulate reality. You have the power in every moment to be happy if you choose to be. And if you don’t feel happy, see it not as punishment but an opportunity to look for places where maybe you’re not seeing things clearly, not as they really are.



  320.  #321Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 9:13 am

    Labbit,
    What sign are you?
    Your Adonis sounds like a male version of me: charming, blunt, adventurous, superficial. What can you do, it is all in the stars ๐Ÿ™‚



  321.  #322Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 9:21 am

    Actually, here’s a great story that sums up my time dating AdonisCD. There was a travelling art exhibit by one of my favorite artists that came to our city museum. He offered to take me. We get to the exhibit and I’m swooning — getting as close to the massive canvases as I can, so I can experience every detail, every sweeping paint stroke and stipple and dabble; smelling, practically inhaling each part of the painting, picturing myself in these sweeping landscape settings. After about 15 minutes AdonisCD says he’s bored and wants to keep going. Bored?!? I’d barely begun examining the first piece. But whatever, I knew already that it was pointless to keep him with me where he’d be unhappy, so I told him go on and he told me to text him when I was done so we could catch up.

    He texts me three times over the next hour to check in, and I’m maybe halfway done checking out the paintings. Finally at the third text I tell him it’s realistically going to be a few hours before I’m ready and if he wants to go it’s fine by me. He says, no no it’s OK I’ll entertain myself, text me when you’re done.

    After about three hours I feel satisfied that I’ve fully felt and immersed myself in the exhibit, so I text him and thank him for giving me time…where should we meet? He tells me he’s done the whole museum about two hours ago (!!!?!?) and to join him in the Renaissance curator’s office. Now I’m peeved because there were three other exhibits I wanted to see but AdonisCD is done so I guess I am too? Ohhhh. I felt angry. I get to the office and in the last 2 hours AdonisCD had managed to become best buddies with the Renaissance curator (Renaissance paintings being my absolute favorite!), has arranged a private showing one evening for us in one their amazing halls, and has convinced the curator to pop open an expensive bottle of Prosecco while we chat. Oh, and at some point AdonisCD had left the museum and gotten me a sidewalk pretzel and a rose, LOL.

    How could I be mad after all of that? The man has the shortest attention span and it never feels like he’s paying attention, but then he goes off and arranges a dream date for me and gets my favorite sidewalk food. Who could resist? It’s no wonder I’ll always love him.



  322.  #323Labbit on December 5, 2014 at 9:23 am

    321 Victoria — I am a Capricorn. ๐Ÿ™‚ I totally fit it — practical, somewhat immovable and stubborn, very into leading and climbing and being successful, and slow and deliberate in my movements.

    And yes, I totally agree that the stars play a role. My friend the astrologist says it’s about more than your Sun sign, but she is an excellent judge of people and can usually guess their sign before she’s even spoken to them. I believe it’s a science, just one we don’t understand very well yet.



  323.  #324IamHis on December 5, 2014 at 9:34 am

    Thanks Labbit. I’m not offended at all, rather I feel curious & even in agreement. I feel curious about boundaries and consequences for choices, which are the same thing, though softer word choices that can mean the same as punishment. How we react to the less-than-ideal decisions we make, these can be our “punishments” or consequences if you will. Boundaries feel good. Feeling bad so that you deeply learn what it is that feels good what IS good… Sometimes that’s the only way I learn to make the better choices…



  324.  #325IamHis on December 5, 2014 at 10:07 am

    Choices affect our emotions, either producing pleasant or painful emotions. While some emotions have been buried and not expressed from things out of our control in the past, others are a direct result of the choices we make today, & that’s the kind of “punishment” I’m talking about…



  325.  #326Andrea on December 5, 2014 at 10:10 am

    Hahah Victoria.. iron shavings.. yes!!

    But I meant I have no control OVER HIM. I can’t make him do or be anything different than he is, do or be anything that he wants to be. My sphere of control begins and ends with me.

    I can only be my pure honest siren self. Loving me, caring for me, speaking up for me, moving away from icky for me, etc… : ) I love this whole thread!!!!



  326.  #327Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Labbit,
    I am a Sag with an ascendant Capricorn. So may be a have a little more depth than a regular Sag but I am very much on the superficial and easily bored side.
    I loved your story about Adonis. Yes, very easy to have a crush on him.



  327.  #328Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 10:46 am

    Andrea,
    But it is so good that we can not control other people! This is exactly how it should be. Also, this means that when he comes to you, it is because of him, not because so you really do not need anything.
    When I was a child I wanted to be able other peoples minds, hear their thoughts. Now that I am grown up, I realize it is such a gift that I can’t!



  328.  #329Victoria on December 5, 2014 at 10:48 am

    Sorry for the poor spelling above, writing from my phone.
    I guess you see what I mean anyhow ๐Ÿ™‚



  329.  #330Kyla on December 5, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    Sophie I am soo happy to hear you are FREE!



  330.  #331Kyla on December 5, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Hi Liquid Light! I’ve missed you! Yes, I totally shut down and gave up. Decided to put love on hold, focus 100% on getting my own life sorted out so I would be taking better care of me and changed everything: routines, diet, exercise, clothes, work. Ninja showed up a week later and had to ask twice before I agreed to meet for an after work coffee only which turned into dinner lol. Funny world we live in.



  331.  #332Kristina on December 5, 2014 at 4:39 pm

    Medusa,

    Wow, your story has triggered me. I know how it feels to feel inadequate only because the guy in front of you is gorgeous. I recall a second date with a guy and all of a sudden I am thinking “Wow, he is so gorgeous, why would he be interested in me?”

    (I had been so distracted with things at work at the time of the first date that I did not have a chance to go into this pit.)

    When this happened, I recalled advice from Christian Carter: don’t forget to breath. I took a few deep breaths and I immediately felt better and recalled how gorgeous I was myself.

    Knowing what I know now from Rori, I would add touching something and really feeling it – the table cloth or a fork or your glass.

    Actually, playing with the stem of the glass can really calm you down AND create interesting reactions in men.

    And if you really need to say something, how about the following as you look him in the eye “Wow, I feel butterflies in my stomach, I actually feel pretty silly. Thank you, for making me feel that way. I like feeling like a high school girl on a date…”

    These words may seem not to reflect of how “badly” you feel but as soon as you speak them, they will feel true to you and you will actually start enjoying the experience.



  332.  #333Natalina on December 5, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    I always love Kristina’s Comments… she always shares the most sexy, and flirtatiously fun scripts.

    Love you girl!!



  333.  #334Medusa on December 5, 2014 at 10:38 pm

    @ Indigo 296:

    Wow, thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful response. You are right, that inferiority thing is NOT a feeling! It’s a bad-feeling judgement, and a judgement is a thought, and it’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed (to quote Louise Hay). Oh my gosh, this is so profound. Thank you for helping me realize this! Yes, the work you describe is the work I want to do. (And have been doing – and I know it must be working in me, because it is bringing up within me these monsters from the deep – these terrifying beliefs that have been RUNNING ME all these years are now bursting forth to the surface, and I’m looking them in the eye and I finally have the opportunity to work on them. I feel so blessed!)

    Thank You!



  334.  #335Medusa on December 5, 2014 at 10:46 pm

    @ Victoria 298:

    Awwww! I feel your gentleness reading your comment. I feel your love for me, weird as that may sound since this might be our first time interacting. Thank you for your wish for me to treat myself with gentleness!

    I have a long-standing relationship with the Medusa archetype. I think she gets an unfairly bad rap. She is traditionally represented as a horrible monster… and yet… when I read her story, I don’t believe it. For me, Medusa represents the incredible power of our emotions as women, even the most terrifying ones. Her rage is a message to the world. I say that Medusa is like the Stranger living within us – terrifying, yes, and so powerful – and her power is meant to help us – and by loving and embracing her, we can heal the parts of our bodies and hearts that we have hardened like stone.

    Thank You for your loving and tender comment! Thank you so much! (((((((((((Victoria)))))))))



  335.  #336Medusa on December 5, 2014 at 10:50 pm

    Amen Natalina, re: Kristina 332.

    Kristina, thank you SOOOOOOO much for that script! It is absolutely perfect. I will memorize the words you’ve suggested, and I will have them ready next time this happens. Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This will absolutely help me break through this terrifying block!!!!! I can’t express enough appreciation. And thank you so much for identifying with this. It is a privilege to learn from you.



  336.  #337Medusa on December 5, 2014 at 10:52 pm

    And Natalina, thank you so VERY much for the work you did with me on wealth consciousness a short while ago. So very helpful! I am still reverberating with the positive effects!



  337.  #338Medusa on December 5, 2014 at 10:53 pm

    Lovely, lovely Sirens, I feel so thankful for this community! Thank you for sharing yourselves and your journeys!



  338.  #339Indigo on December 5, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    Medusa,

    You are so welcome ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so glad this is helpful. Believe me when I tell you that I battled those thoughts and nasty voices for years, and a big part of healing this and moving to a higher level and a better place, was being able to discern the difference between my authentic feelings, and negative thoughts/stories which my inner critic was spinning.

    When I catch myself thinking how great a guy is, and how “lucky” I am to be with him, I think… wait a minute! That is crazy. I laugh at myself and remind myself of all my lovely qualities, and how lucky HE is in fact.



  339.  #340Medusa on December 5, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    Indigo,
    I agree!

    I also know that I need to do some work with my physical body. More important than my size, is the feeling of firmness and flexibility and health that I feel when I give myself the pleasure of good exercise. This has fallen off since I have been working a lot lately, and my state of low physical energy and my feeling being physically sloppy and sedentary, not feeling physically in good condition, is seriously complicating the effects of my Nasty Voice, which is tricky enough on its own. Therefore I pledge to take better care of myself physically, so I can feel juicy and sexy and luscious emotionally.

    I have been getting lost – a lot – in the maze of “where is this voice coming from?” When I hear something in my mind, I have been spiraling in questions: am I hearing the voice of my fear? Or my true intuition? Or am I hearing my analytical mind disconnected from my body? What should I listen to and what should I fight? Awwww, I feel sad that I want to fight myself. I already know the answer to this. The voice of my deep, true self will always feel good. I will always feel powerful and guided and sexy and lovable.

    I’m so tired, and I am going to let myself drift off in my soft soft bed. The softest bed in the world. I love my beeeeeddddddddd…. ๐Ÿ™‚

    It feels really good to be seen and responded to. Thank you so very much for your feedback.



  340.  #341Lotus on December 6, 2014 at 8:38 am

    So I saw DP last night, and I was a little disappointed to see his hair flat and he wore an old jumper and coat, but damn, I still fancied him… the look of his shoulders and his deep sea eyes.

    I stayed warm and inviting with DP last night, we were in a bar, I was mesmerized by the glitter star that was slowly twirling on the ceiling, he followed my eyes as I pointed things out. He slowly got closer as the ice began to melt around my island. I felt uncertain and unsteady, his arm around me, I see his face flush, I know he’s drawn to me, every time.

    In the next bar, more rum in my system, I tried to keep it cool, we were kissing as usual, and right next to our friends, and then the anger just surged, he’s not entitled to kiss me like this in the middle of the room, makes me feel abandoned passion.. he looked at me and remarked that I’m looking at him with anger. I said ‘Yes, I feel angry and annoyed with you. I feel a mix of things. I can’t believe you said about us being mates!’ I did it! I didn’t think I could but I followed my feelings and expressed my emotions. The scariest thing in my head wasn’t so scary after all. Am I perhaps scared of my own anger?

    Walking outside the bar, he said as long as though we’re cool, and I just felt an undercurrent of rage again. I don’t know if I am cool. I feel confused and told him. If I don’t want a relationship yet, why am I so bothered when he is offering to keep it casual? He said the word casual and I hated the sound of that word. I said ‘At some point, I’m going to want something more,’ to which he replied ‘But you don’t want it now right?’ and I agreed. He said ‘and then you’ll have to tell me when that happens’.

    Kissing on street corners, kissing in a bar, we’re told to get a room! I feel embarrassed but am enjoying the moments with him, his slow passionate energy and kisses. It feels ridiculous with the logistics, we have nowhere to go. All I could say was ‘I feel so hot… this is great, and somewhere private would be better!’ he quickly stopped and then offered to get me a drink. I want to text him and say ‘I felt so hot last night, I need to be extinguished’. I want to ramp up the heat, I want my lover. Is that too much?

    How dare he sell me dreams of romance for 3 months and then want to keep things casual? I didn’t even want the bloody romance but then it washed over me and I couldn’t resist it anymore.

    I woke up feeling so hungry for him and his body. And I enjoyed every minute of my self-servicing.

    My friend was so pissed off last night and drunk, and kept saying she was going to message DP to tell him how stupid he is, and that he would never get someone like me. She said he adored me before and think someone has sown a seed of doubt in his mind to cool it off because I’m separated, so he wont get hurt, as my estranged husband has still been around helping with DIY. I know to not listen to my friends too much, but I am comforted by her words. Yes he was acting a little weird and yes I deserve more. She said I’m not direct enough and that I’m following rules. I said ‘they’re tools not rules!’, but yes I want to be more direct, but something inside me fights it. Why? I feel tied up in knots, I need to unravel and get clear!

    I know someday I will be able to say I’m not putting up with ambivalence and crap with guys. I just want to keep experiencing and learning in my connections with guys so I know what to look for in my guy.

    So off to another date tonight and receive some energy and love with a non-scary man who’s sweet and natural.



  341.  #342Femininewoman on December 6, 2014 at 8:53 am

    Medusa – take that guy off that pedestal is what I want to say. His looks mean nothing except that you are attracted to good looking guys. Your attraction is what makes them other important otherwise they are just another face in the sea humanity. Talk to yourself in front of the mirror. Tell yourself “I am worthy”.



  342.  #343Lotus on December 6, 2014 at 9:33 am

    Gosh I felt the rage again reading my last post.
    And I had a nice moment with my elderly father today, I helped him shave. I choose to hold onto tender moments and let go of bad ones. Breathe.

    320: Labbit
    thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Victoria – I sense your softness and vulnerability more now, and feel something good about to happen for you, like the door has opened and he has been awakened. He can see you more. Keep your heart open with the truth and let him come to you, and remember to melt!



  343.  #344Cherise on December 6, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Hi Rori,

    My old log-in name wont work. Hope you’ll let me through moderation so I can participate again.

    Hello lovely Sirens! I came back here after some time away. Was going to ask about contacting a man but couldn’t post. So, I read through this recent post and got my answer anyways. Definitely… not going to contact him now! Thank you for all your experience, words of wisdom and open hearts! <3



  344.  #345Indigo on December 6, 2014 at 1:59 pm

    Lotus 341,

    I don’t really like to get into casual relationships, but if I’m going to do it, I like to check my emotional arousal level, and I realize if they are someone who arouses any kind of strong emotions in me that I can’t do it. I have tried it and always end up being knocked sideways by confusing emotions with no way to resolve them because we are supposed to be “casual”.

    If you want DP to one day maybe turn into something more, do you really want to be casual with him now?

    Just a thought. I wish you luck.



  345.  #346Liquid Light on December 6, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Medusa, I was struck by your story about your date. We’ve all been there. Just wondering…what about letting yourself feel all of those feelings of nervousness and awe and insecurity and just allowing them. Not doing anything or saying anything. Feeling them. He’ll get it. He’ll get it anyway but there’s something really touching about someone just allowing all those “icky” feelings and not hiding them or fighting them or trying to change them. We all like to be adored, there’s nothing wrong with that, its flattering. Being a mess around someone because of that is flattering too. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, it just shows you are human. To me that’s what RR’s work is about, being human, feeling vulnerable and expressing it (and that can be without saying a word)



  346.  #347Medusa on December 6, 2014 at 5:41 pm

    Liquid Light, I love your suggestion. Looking back to the date, I can affirm that I definitely was fighting those feelings, fighting SO HARD, instead of surrendering to them. Wow – I feel soft just thinking about surrendering. The tension in my body created by fighting with myself, feels so bad. I wonder what will happen, next time I’m triggered like this… when I remember your wise words… and I simply let my body relax… and let my mind let go of the circus inside it… I wonder what that will feel like. Probably it will feel wonderful. And I bet the man will respond.

    I feel momentarily forlorn, because I know it will only serve me to let go of this particular delicious man… and yet, I know if he doesn’t stay of his own accord, I don’t really want him anyway.

    Thank You!!!

    I’m going to take care of my body tonight by doing 3 sets of situps. 20 reps each. It’s a start…



  347.  #348Medusa on December 6, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Femininewoman –
    Amen!!!
    I am growing to love mirror work the more I explore it. Hooray for mirrors! How interesting that (on the date with Mr. Gorgeous) I was triggered to beat myself up because I judged what I saw in the big mirror that I was sitting in front of… I want to enlist ALL mirrors to help me feel great about myself. Mirrors are my friends.



  348.  #349Andrea on December 6, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    Alright, more wisdom from the railroad guys. (we all already know it, but it felt good to have it be re-confirmed by men)

    Okay, this is a whole new set of men that I was driving. Three men, all three married. We had some down time and we got into conversation. I was asked, “Why are you still single?” etc..
    I said, “Let me ask you guys some questions about men. Then you can tell me why I’m still single.”

    I asked questions. And they all three answered.

    Here’s some of what they said:
    A man always categorizes the women he’s socializing with. There’s the women who are a good time and will “put out”. Then there’s the women who are good for appearances.. family holidays’, meet the parents, take to the office party. And then there is THE ONE.

    All three of the men agreed that if you are in category one, you most likely won’t be shifted to category two.

    And I said, “How do you get to category three?”

    They all said.. “Oh No.. you don’t GET there. You can’t make yourself THE ONE. And if you are THE ONE, there’s nothing you can do to change that.”

    One guy said, “I knew right away. Right when I saw her. We met at a party. We talked. She was wild and crazy. But something inside me just turned on. I just knew.”

    Another one said, “I met my wife over the phone. We worked for the same company, just different parts of the country. We spoke for the first time on company time, and as soon as we hung up, I just thought: I got to hear her voice again. I didn’t do anything about it, but she stayed on my mind. Then we talked again and again and again. Til finally I knew I had to meet her. From the first meeting, I just knew she was my wife.”

    The third guy who was a little bit older told me. “I dated frequently. I even came close to getting engaged because I thought it was about time I did and the gal I was with was pressuring me for it anyway. But then, when I met my present wife, I just had this gut feeling like I’d never experienced before with any of the other girls I ever dated. It was just deep. It made me confident around her. It made me kind of confident to do and say things about our future right away that I never would have felt safe to say around anyone I’d dated before. We married quickly and are still together, fourteen years later.”

    Then I asked them: Sometimes I get this feeling that a guy likes me but he’s shy or he’s playing games or he wants me to make the first move. If a guy likes me, will I know it?

    And they basically said… If he likes you for fun and sex and dating, he’s not gonna care if you call him or not. He’s not gonna care if you want him to call either. If he wants sex, he’ll call. If you call him, he’ll think you want sex. He might even like you to call him. Filling time. Give him something fun to do. He gets to have sex.
    And if he is obsessed with you, or knows inside himself that it’s infatuation, or has insecurities that you might think he’s calling too much, then he won’t call. But it’s because he has some idea that something just isn’t right. And guys don’t like that.

    But if a guy has THAT notion. If he has that deep down gut feeling that you are THE ONE. Then, yes. You’re going to know it. He will let you know. You won’t have any doubt. Another guy piped up, “Yeah, he’ll be calling you for more than just sex or dates.”

    I said, “What do you mean by that?”
    He said, “He’ll call just to hear your voice. He’ll call to ask you if your mom is out of the hospital. He’ll call to see if your heat got turned on. He’ll want to know what you did that day, what you’re going through. He’ll ask you about your kids, or your work, or anything just to get you on the phone for a few minutes.”

    I said, “So you’re telling me that the only reason I’m still single is that I just haven’t yet met the man who just knows I’m THE ONE.”

    They all said: Yep.

    I said, “So in the mean time, I should just have fun?”

    They all said… “Weeeelllllll……”

    LIke… not TOO much fun. : ) Jeesh… men!



  349.  #350teresa on December 6, 2014 at 7:10 pm

    Sirens, I am looking for input. Lookingwisely and I have not spoken for a month which I am okay with because I need to start loving me. In a brief conversation one evening he said “I called you one evening but never spoke”, he just let me hear music in the background. My question to you is, do men actually call you and once you answer they hang up. Is this there way of checking up on you?



  350.  #351Medusa on December 6, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Andrea 349: I LOVE this. Love love love love love love love. This story triggers me, and reading it I’m reevaluating my current dating strategy. Thank you for sharing!!!



  351.  #352Emerson on December 6, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    Hi Sirens. I’m feeling weary of my online dating site, I joined eharmony and it’s a huge disappointment. The “matches” don’t seem to be matches at all!!!
    I also feel like all the profiles are starting to sound the same, with the same photos with backdrops of tropical vaca, river rafting, with friends, yada yada….
    so generic.
    They all say the same thing….looking for partner in crime, no drama, i want a woman who is this this this and that and that….etc etc insert long list of perfect woman here….
    Its really ridiculous



  352.  #353Laure on December 6, 2014 at 9:37 pm

    Hallo,
    My name is Laure (43 yr old) and I am from Belgium . It may be that my style of writing is not correct but I will try with simple sentences to tell you about my problem.
    I’m divorced for 16 years and my last friend died 5 years ago.Since i’ve never tried to find somebody else.Recently, I joined a site to see if I still can find someone. I was surprised to see the interest of a number of men for me.
    From almost 200 visitors on my profile “I chose” a man of 52 years, intellectual, working as an accountant. He has not an beautifully face but physically attracted me immediately and his style of writing messages. Maybe it’s weird but from the beginning he was very direct and honest in everything( my fotos, my meaning) . More and more I was interested in him and I’ve stopped to correspond with others men (many already). I was waiting his daily message just like a dog waiting to eat. Finally, after almost a month of daily messages I accept to have our first date. From the beginning he told me that i’m less attractive than in the photos, but I’m still pretty. At the end of our date he asked me to kiss him and I did.It was as if my head was gone and I could not say no.
    After a week,he wrote to me that he wants to see me again so we got a second date. Here the atmosphere became even more charged (kiss, touch) and finally I’ve done what i may not, to have sex. He told me from the beginning that he has some” rising”problems. De sex was not great but i was like charmed. After the meeting I never felt guilty that I gave up so fast, I thought it was normal after a break of 5 years . Now i’m thinking all the time to him and why.? After the second meeting he told me directly that he wants een other date with me for this week . This week he was much cooler and without messages.
    During this time I have not corresponded with other men .Yesterday evening I was surprised to see that he was online;so he is still looking for sombody else.
    He was talking always about us in his messages so I thought that i am the one.Really stupid , indeed like an young girl and what i’ve discoverd yesterday hurt me very much .
    I realized that maybe I’m his reserve until he finds someone else. I see my mistakes but i’m afraid to lose him. All I know is that i’m strongly attracted to him even I would give note 4 from 10 (sexually)
    I think that i’m in love.
    My questions are :
    -is it worth to fight for him, to make him love me and how?
    – To let him go?
    Sorry for the mistakes that i’ve made in my writing and i hope that you understood my problem.



  353.  #354Millie on December 7, 2014 at 12:15 am

    Man I wrote this long post that didn’t post!

    Andrea love what you shared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  354.  #355Millie on December 7, 2014 at 12:17 am

    testing



  355.  #356Victoria on December 7, 2014 at 12:25 am

    Andrea,
    So, it seems you got the “edited for ladies” version of “women are either whores or mothers and the one exception is my wife”.
    Men love the idea of controlling a woman ‘s sexuality, and slut-shaming is JUST BRILLIANT. Because, you know what – if that did not matter, then there is nothing, absolutely nothing a man can control a woman with.
    They are just iron shavings.



  356.  #357Mistea1 on December 7, 2014 at 2:54 am

    Andrea 349
    Thank you so much for that insight ‘from the field’. So all this scheming we do, plotting and planning has nothing to do with ‘getting our man’.

    What I took away from this is that the man knows right away, he feels confident and safe around her, wants to hear her voice and if she gives out she’s not likely to get into the other categories. Interesting. Appreciate your research.

    Emerson 352
    Thanks for the information on online dating. I’m getting much the same impression. I thought it was because I was in the older category. I haven’t paid for anything yet, just wanted to see what was out there. I investigated both match and eharmony. They all want a faithful woman, are perfection personified, and most have scraggly facial hair. Yech! Eharmony wants to ask you many time wasting questions and the ‘matches’ they give you are anything but. Match seems to give the people more time to put into their personal statement. I was hoping to find some men who I could go to concerts with and instead find too many for whom watching sports is about all they can say. May they all stay single for the duration I say. Appreciate your comments. I feel vindicated.



  357.  #358Victoria on December 7, 2014 at 3:17 am

    Andrea and Mistea,
    I tried to put another comment which did come through, may be it will come later.
    The way I read the railmen’s story is a bit different: if you are the One, it does not matter when you sleep with him. We might as well have s*x early on, to not waste time.
    Just kidding. Or may be not kidding?



  358.  #359Sophie on December 7, 2014 at 3:24 am

    I loved the railroad men comments too – thank you for posting Andrea – still, I felt a twinge of sadness that I have never been someone’s ‘the one’.

    It all feels so very complicated because I don’t want to be someone’s the one who is the wrong one anyway so then there is nothing to be sad about

    I am such a whirlwind of contradictions – I feel so free at the moment I can’t imagine having a man who could fit with my freedom – that would feel amazing though, if there was one who could

    Thank you Kyla – feels good to have you back and I love hearing your story



  359.  #360Sophie on December 7, 2014 at 3:28 am

    350 – Teresa I don’t know the answer to that…would it help to focus on how it made you feel rather than what his motivation may or may not have been?



  360.  #361Sophie on December 7, 2014 at 3:37 am

    Mistea – I agree with Victoria re. the sex thing. If you’re the ‘his one’ I don’t think the timing is so consequential. In fact, the only reason I find the timing to be consequential is because I feel easily attached after sexual intimacy so I prefer to weigh up at what point I want to go there, whether I am feeling safety and a moving forwardness. Still it’s all experimental for me – sometimes I throw caution to the wind and I feel okay, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I feel it’s safe, then it turns out not to be. Mostly, these days, if I’m actually looking for a relationship, I choose to be cautious, to enjoy dating before getting into anything toooo quickly…



  361.  #362Indigo on December 7, 2014 at 3:40 am

    Sophie,

    Your comment about freedom, and finding a man who could fit with your freedom. Most of the relationships I have witnessed have not embodied my idea of perfect freedom within relationship. For me, in most relationships, one or both people are holding on too tight. For my taste anyway.

    But every now and again, I see a relationship in which there is this perfect balance of freedom and security, where each party is a unique entity, which is also part of a bigger, beautiful whole. They don’t feel that they’ve had to compromise or give bits of themselves away. They’ve found someone who can allow them to be exactly who they are. And I realize, I want that.

    However elusive or unusual it may be, I want a relationship where I can feel free within it. I realize I cannot, in any way, have a relationship where I feel strangled or suffocated. I want it to have a light touch on me, to be my rock and my shelter, but one where I can feel at ease.



  362.  #363Mistea1 on December 7, 2014 at 3:43 am

    Victoria
    Yeah, you have a point there. I’m considering self care though. What about those players/sociopaths who can be so expert you don’t know until they go poof? I don’t know.
    When a lot of women have sex they get emotional and then caught up, very painful when you misguess the guys intent. Or you misguess your own power of attraction. I don’t know anything.



  363.  #364Sophie on December 7, 2014 at 3:59 am

    Yes, Indigo me too – closeness but a feeling of being at liberty too – I met one married couple on my travels who had been travelling together for the last three years. I know, I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship but they seemed such a tight unit without it feeling needy or co-dependent. They seemed very at ease and happy and sociable with other people. And they worked as a team. One night the woman had taken extra time at the shop and the man went to look for her which was lovely but otherwise they both went out and about doing their own thing and just obviously really enjoyed their together time when they were together. They were best friends I’d say. I would like some of what they have ๐Ÿ™‚



  364.  #365Victoria on December 7, 2014 at 4:02 am

    Mistea,
    I am trying to re-post something from my other comment which still has not cleared from moderation.
    I think Andrea has been served the โ€œedited for ladiesโ€ version of โ€œwomen are either who*s or mothers and the one exception is my wifeโ€.
    The fairy tail about the One is lovely, but it fails to explain how people change and get bored and get to cheat on their One. I am afraid it is more complicated than this.
    At the same time, in terms of self-care, if you get easily emotionally attached as a result of S*, it is very much in your interest to withhold it until you feel emotionally safe, but frankly – there is no guarantee against heartbreak either way. We need just a little bit of courage, and resilience, and the non-judgemental help from siren island, and the wondeful quote from Azure Blu: so many men, so little time! ๐Ÿ™‚



  365.  #366Sophie on December 7, 2014 at 4:08 am

    362 – he obviously adored her and looked out for her but she hadn’t lost any of her independence…

    it still all comes back to me – I too readily give my independence to a man, want to be looked after, then tussle for my freedom but I wonder, also, with the right man, who I felt safe and sure with whether I would feel free to be me – that wanting to be looked after sometimes was okay and understood and that wanting to be free sometimes was okay and understood – does that make sense? I did have a bf once who really did make me feel it was okay to be me whatever I was feeling. He didn’t lack boundaries but he would always want to know how I was feeling and how he could help. I appreciated that – it felt like a strong bond and the relationship lasted longer than any other. He was the nearest I got to a good fit for me.



  366.  #367teresa on December 7, 2014 at 4:27 am

    Thanks Sophia 358

    I am so new to all of this. Trying to remember “how it makes me feel”. It’s hard as I have always been a giver, always doing, saying etc. Just learning to lean back love myself and taking one day at a time is sometimes exhausting. I can be honest here and say I have difficulty even posting comments. Will I say something that is utterly ridiculous or am I just that nieve? It’s not easy making major changes in your life at 56 years of age.



  367.  #368Victoria on December 7, 2014 at 4:31 am

    Teresa,
    You are wonderful and you are doing great!
    You can riff here, share whatever thoughs/feelings/unnamed things you have inside you.
    Here you are welcome, and will be heard and supported, and never judged.



  368.  #369Sophie on December 7, 2014 at 4:41 am

    365 – I second what Victoria says ๐Ÿ™‚ It feels counterintuitive for lots of us I think especially at first – the leaning back etc I always remember a post that Rori did titled let your squeaky voice speak (or something similar). It made an impact on me and I faced my fears and practiced sharing more. I can still have mixed feelings with posting but that reflects my every day mixed feelings and fears so it helps me to learn about myself and practice giving myself lots of love if I feel insecure



  369.  #370Teresa on December 7, 2014 at 5:17 am

    Sophia “squeky voice” that’s me ๐Ÿ™‚

    Victoria, you have always been so supportive with everything I have posted. Thank you!

    I know how I feel and what I want to say I just find it intimidating to write down. This is something else I will be working on.



  370.  #371Victoria on December 7, 2014 at 5:33 am

    Teresa,
    You may wish to start practicing by writing just for yourself and not posting at all. Like a diary, except that you don’t actually have to save it, or keep it. I have been doing this for years. When I am nervous, and upset, and my thoughts are racing, I sit down on my computer, and write, usually save the file with a password so that no one esle can open it, thinking I will read it another day. Usually, I don’t read it anymore, and forget the password, so I end up deleting the files never reading them. The passwords have usually been male names.



  371.  #372Teresa on December 7, 2014 at 6:01 am

    Victoria,
    I was keeping a journal about my feelings, reactions, mainly bullets. I will give this a try.



  372.  #373Andrea on December 7, 2014 at 7:42 am

    Mistea, Victoria, Sophie… I love the discussion around this.
    I do take it all with a grain of salt. It was about a twenty minute convo.
    But I took a few things to heart. One was that I don’t need to focus so much on how I “act”.
    According to those men, if you’re The One.. in their eyes, when you have sex with him is of little importance. It’s more about who you are. If you aren’t The One, then there are lots of different things you can be… sex partner, friend, skies the limit, even partner or wife for a very long time. But it sounds to me like a lot of guys are always seeking that.. something. And if you are that “something” then the seeking stops and the authentic settling begins.

    Here’s what I took out of it for me personally: If a man knows he wants to be with me, he will ACT in certain ways toward me.
    I’ll understand how he “sees me” by the way he acts toward me. He will try to win me over.

    It’s my choice, do I want to be won over by this man, or by that man, or….

    But I get to choose. He gets to chase.

    Therefore, I need to start focusing more on the men who are ACTING as though they want to take me and a relationship with me seriously. I need to focus on the good things they are Doing for me. I need to focus my energy on the good actions that make me happy.

    I need to focus LESS on the men who I THINK I want, who I think I have chemistry with or etc… if they aren’t ACTING in a way that shows me that they are serious. I need to focus on what’s going right according to ACTS. Not what’s going wrong because I feel an attraction to someone who isn’t acting in a way that I’m aligned with.

    I think it was one of Rori’s newsletters that said, Men know right away and start to act, women can be won over by how they feel over time.

    I take that to mean, it really doesn’t matter how I act, what matters is Who I Am. What matters is Being. Not Acting. What matters is paying more attention to me and what I feel and what my needs are and where I’m at in my desire for commitment.

    Not long ago, I was really fine having fun, going on dates, exploring my fun side, my sexuality, my adventurous side. Now, I know, with out a doubt. I want a partnership. I want a committed relationship. It’s time for me. So, I’m going to use my boy energy to Know that I am THE ONE. I’m going to act accordingly toward myself. And as for feminine side, I just know.. just recently… that I want to save my sensuality for that relationship. (Or for me) : )

    Anyway, I’m really feeling great about being around these guys. I’m learning alot more about myself than men.



  373.  #374Indigo on December 7, 2014 at 8:21 am

    Andrea,

    I love this:

    “I need to focus LESS on the men who I THINK I want, who I think I have chemistry with or etcโ€ฆ if they arenโ€™t ACTING in a way that shows me that they are serious. I need to focus on whatโ€™s going right according to ACTS. Not whatโ€™s going wrong because I feel an attraction to someone who isnโ€™t acting in a way that Iโ€™m aligned with.”

    Sums it up, really. The stage I’m at in my life, there are only 2 things that are important: my life (friends, work, family, home, passions, hobbies, all the other things that are important to me and make me happy), and my forever romantic partner, who is doing everything he can to be that person. Nothing else matters.



  374.  #375Natalina on December 7, 2014 at 8:44 am

    Good Morning Lovely Lady Sirens!

    I just love seeing all your posts, and how supportive you all are to each other. a wonderful gift you have all given each other ๐Ÿ˜€

    I just ready Indigo’s post quoting this:
    “โ€œI need to focus LESS on the men who I THINK I want, who I think I have chemistry with or etcโ€ฆ ”

    that is a really good assessment- though to make it even EASIER- (I know i have had the tendency to make it harder than it is, or even needs to be… )

    to make it easier- just ask yourself “how much am I efforting?”

    not “how much effort do I want to put into this”
    and don’t worry about “how much effort have I ALREADY put into this?”

    don’t try to asses that stuff- that turns up feeling yucky… just stick with

    how much effort am I pushing?
    and if it is anything more than what effort it takes to take care of you- and love you- scale back.

    you are all so beautiful and wonderful!!!

    Love,
    Natalina



  375.  #376Indigo on December 7, 2014 at 9:27 am

    Love this Natalina!

    I have just learnt the value of this recently, and am learning to sense and assess this within myself.



  376.  #377Andrea on December 7, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Yes.. Natalina… Ohhhh that feels so grounding and solid. How much am I efforting?

    I’m so sensitive to “efforting” toward a man now that it just feels extra icks to me when I do it.

    I feel so happy that I’m honing my sensitivities in this area. How much am I efforting? How icky do I feel. It’s so subtle and it happens so quickly. But those red flags are going off every time. (I’m learning to listen)



  377.  #378Andrea on December 7, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    A man I dated once a few weeks ago has been coming on strong. I am not attracted to him. I feel this energy of (I hate to say it.. desperation) And it turns me off.

    Over the last two weeks he had gone to Disney World with his grandkids. He sent me a picture or two every day. Now this is something I would love to have happen with someone I had dated more frequently. But I just feel this pressure to accommodate his loneliness.

    I have not returned his texts. Yesterday he wrote, “I bought you a Mickey Mouse while I was in Disney World.”

    I wrote, “I feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from you. I don’t feel we had the kind of connection in just one date to warrant gifts yet.”
    Then I felt bad and I thought well… I should give it another shot.
    So I texted, “I would feel more comfortable maybe if we met again for coffee or something.”

    Ugh Ugh Ugh… Darn it. It feels like a pity leaning forward.

    Then he shot back: “You name the time and place.”

    Iggg. I just feel: I don’t want to. I don’t really want to meet with him. Darn it.

    And it does have to do with… kind of like… he represents the type of men I have allowed myself to be dated by… men who are unhealthy, a little bit lonerish, much older than me… because these men act like I am “God’s Gift” when I smile at them.

    On the other hand, it has been my insecurity too that says, “This is the only kind of man I can get.”

    I have no idea why I had been walking around with such low self worth. I want to date men my age. I want to date healthy men who are physical and athletic. Just men who have life in them, stamina, etc…

    I don’t want to give this man a time and place. For now I’m not going to respond. And I’m just going to feel the guilt feelings of not responding when it’s all my fault because I prompted it. And I’m going to see what happens.
    Maybe he will surprise me and turn out kind of macho and tell me off and let me know that he can handle my bad days and bad temper and my wishy washy ways sometimes with out crumbling. Maybe he will stop texting me and call me for a change and demand to know what my problem is. Maybe he will prove to me that he is a man. And then I might re-think my attraction level.

    hmmmmmm….. for now, I’m doing nothing.



  378.  #379Lotus on December 7, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Indigo 345 – thanks so much for responding, it’s good to hear your experience about going casual. And you’re right DP has really stirred my emotions and chemistry. Yet I’m not sure about him in the future, I saw him as for now, but I was feeling really smitten. I also wanted him as my lover but I need my power back for that!
    I see that he’s not evolved yet (how can a man be when he still lives at parents) and that his time is not now. I’m not going to contact him. I just feel perplexed with him..

    Allowing myself to feel blue and low energy this weekend, soaked up some man energy and feel a need to go into my boy energy to get some things done.

    I can be siren-like with guys I don’t fancy, but as soon as I’m smitten, my siren muscle goes weaker. I want to feel more secure in the presence of a man. I wonder about pulling back from dating to work on myself more, but then RR suggests CDing to work through our triggers. Sometimes I’ve gone so feminine I feel my boy wanting to break free, and I have to restrain him and relax.. it’s a weird pull and tug in my system.



  379.  #380Indigo on December 7, 2014 at 1:40 pm

    Andrea,

    I felt your discomfort at quite a visceral level. I’ve been there several times.

    I’m not commenting on your own situation at all, just thinking about mine, when I say I really just had to stop thinking I was to blame for attracting these guys and just stop taking their texts and phone calls. I really *just* want to go with what feels good, and that includes how I get asked on a date.

    Thinking back there are a number of guys who acted like I was God’s Gift and just would have done anything I wanted. Their energy felt like slime all over me. That is NOT what I want. If my goal is to be self-contained, serene, independent, attractive, I want a man who is the same way.



  380.  #381Indigo on December 7, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    Sirens,

    I am on a full lean back diet (inspired by Victoria and Mistea!), actually I don’t like the word “diet” because it sounds like deprivation, and this actually feels kinda good, like a filling up and hunkering down, not like starving.

    It’s obviously brought on by recent revelations, and by realisations of how much overfunctioning I was doing with D. I am never leaning forward with him again.

    He has contacted me three times in the last week, and I was just soft and friendly and brief.



  381.  #382Lotus on December 7, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    In terms of how much we’re efforting.. we make it easier for ourselves by mirroring his efforts and energy. It’s that bubble of energy between the man and a woman.

    Last night, my POF date was dying to kiss me for the first time on our 5th date, but he got so tongue-tied, bless him. He kept exclaiming ‘I’m such a turd! I’m so bad at this!’ and I had to giggle. He is such a sweet and funny guy, writing a stand-up set too.
    I was dying to relieve him and wanted to tell him ‘You can kiss me’.. but I thought I shall let him work this out… and just kept my gaze on him with a warm smile. He eventually asked if he could kiss me and I thought ‘Thank god.. I couldn’t breathe!’ I told him I felt awkward and I don’t want to hear the word turd anymore!! And I was pleasantly surprised by the kiss.

    Yet I don’t fancy him… And what point do we know our lesson is learnt with one guy and we step away… I seriously don’t know if I want a relationship, yet I am drawn to guys who show signs of wanting one.



  382.  #383Lotus on December 7, 2014 at 2:00 pm

    Just go with what feels good.
    That’s what I’m getting from this. Indigo and Victoria ๐Ÿ™‚



  383.  #384Victoria on December 7, 2014 at 2:54 pm

    Indigo,
    Have you set yourself a term for the uh-hm experiment?
    30 days is not bad, felt like 30 years to me :-). And then, I had one step wrong and it almost blew inmy face… I am not sure where I am with him now. He is working a night shift right now but I am not going to call him. Let us have some space. I feel kind of tired and kind of indifferent. He is a good guy, but it is kind of not enough. Oh well. Off to bed.



  384.  #385Liquid Light on December 7, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    I had a date last night that was so-so. Could take it or leave it.

    Have another this evening and another one on Wed. Both with people I haven’t yet met.

    I have a feeling, though, that someone interesting is coming into my life soon.

    ๐Ÿ™‚



  385.  #386Liquid Light on December 7, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    I feel ready in a way that I haven’t felt since my breakup. I feel like I got that monkey off my back…finally.

    Wooohooooo!!!!!!



  386.  #387nyx on December 7, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    @ Victoria

    I am following your diet and its results with interest. I have a guy I really like, who is too unstable… been very much leaning back (told him he did not do enough, it was over), to be honest I wouldn’t have been able to do this without you sirens. He gave me crumbs. I felt I really was falling in love, and he wasn’t there, in touch now and then… and I decided I would be better off to cut. See… he went away for vacation for a month, promised to be in touch… and he wasn’t. So I stepped back, thinking that I already had done a LOT of the withdrawals, the “I miss him so much”-thingy, that if I would cut, I would be one month into recovery from withdrawals already ๐Ÿ˜‰ and that cutting now and miss him for a few months would feel so much better than to miss him all the time… and coming here, I realized so many of you sirens were working on leaning back, and it was going well ๐Ÿ™‚
    I always feel really inspired, and stronger when I come here ๐Ÿ™‚

    I CD:d when he was away… helped A LOT to have a great date with a few kisses bursting with chemistry, one week after he left. I was taken aback, and feeling confused- and delighted!- I thought “he isn’t the only one I can have feelings for- there are lots!” and it made a difference.
    When he finally got back in touch, i told him it was too late, I had already missed him too much, and decided it was enough, that I would just quit it. He told me “but there has to be a reason that you missed me!”
    “Yes, but I do not want this.”
    To all of you who wonder whether to lean back or not… he has just been in touch again. And “eager” is too weak a word. This is now 3 months after I cut, I asked why he hasn’t been in touch before, he said: “I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”
    “Oh I do- in the right way.”

    This is not a stable guy- I do not expect- or try not to expect- too much. He is very busy, easily distracted, a womanizer… you name it -_-

    But I am here to confirm that leaning back DOES work. For whatever might happen now- I already decided I do not accept crumbs anymore. I need more on the table to participate in the game now. He HAS put more on the table, what I asked for… but with some distance I feel it is still not enough. I asked for too little. So we will see ๐Ÿ˜‰ Oh, and I have never heard this dominant alpha sound this humble before. But it might still fall any which way- he might decide to go for an easier woman. But as I decided I had to cut because he couldn’t offer me enough, I’ve already paid the price, it won’t cost me nearly as much to cut again. We will see ๐Ÿ˜‰

    @Andrea and Indigo

    these are the guys who think you are “the one”. Alas, it has to be mutual. But no- you aren’t single because no man thought you were “the one”- you are single because you get to choose ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Love to all of you sirens ๐Ÿ™‚



  387.  #388Dixie on December 7, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    I don’t know where to begin Ladies, so I’m starting with thank yous:

    Indigo – thank you for being so brave and open about your relationship with D. I see myself reflected in your words and hearing you talk so openly has helped me immensely.

    Andrea – You sound amazing – I wish I knew you in real life. I love your confidence and forthrightness. When I read your last post about your conversation with the railroad coworkers, it just triggered a huge realization. As much as I appreciated the notes from the field research in 349, it was your words in 371 that just clicked in place with me.

    Lotus – ohh, when you said that your siren muscle goes a bit weak when you’re around someone who you’re smitten, I literally nodded at the laptop! Me too! The narrative around you and DP is so enlightening for me.

    And for everyone on the Lean Back Diet – hallelujah to that! I even have that set as a reminder every morning on my phone. As in literally, I get a message with my alarm that says “Breathe. Lean Back”. ๐Ÿ™‚

    And since I don’t like reading very long posts, I’m going to share this next part in a separate post…



  388.  #389Dixie on December 7, 2014 at 4:40 pm

    So this is what I’ve learned from you ladies.

    The last time I was here was in August. D and I had ended things, he contacted me, and it was stilted, brief but things sort of mellowed and life went on. I did miss him though, but I had lots of time to process my own feelings, and rooted insecurities.

    My parents were also quite ill so that demanded so much of my attention.

    Then in October, I did the opposite of Lean Back. I did the bold Reach Out, but honestly, didn’t expect anything back. The truth was, after a lot of time, I could see that he really was a loving man, imperfect, but loving and a good man in his own right. So I send a brief, but heartfelt email. He responded right away and said how happy he was to hear me, that the last time we spoke, I sounded different. He then said, “I miss my girl.”

    Sirens, aside from us talking and texting, nothing has happened, but this has been the most amazing lean-back practice. I keep reminding myself to focus on all the positive, happy feelings from all other areas of life, to keep breathing, and to not live in expectations, but to live as if this “is” already the perfect life. He’s been in greater contact and I’m no longer feeling like I’m on a rollercoaster. He wants to see me, and when this weekend didn’t work out, he wants to meet tomorrow.

    I guess I’m processing this aloud because I’m just feeling first-hand how leaning back looks and feels! When he didn’t contact me last week, though we spoke on the phone and were in contact last weekend, I didn’t reach out at all. But on Friday night, when I was out for dinner with friends, he texted “Hope my girl had a great week” and then was in contact all yesterday before and after work. Last night he said he loves me.

    To nyx – you put the words in my heart I do want something with him but “in the right way.”

    Thank you so much for sharing – in the meantime, this leaning back has actually felt pretty delicious, more so than I would have expected to feel. ๐Ÿ™‚



  389.  #390Mistea1 on December 7, 2014 at 5:00 pm

    Indigo 379
    You are right, diet is not the word. When I did the 30 days I considered that I was the ‘Queen overlooking all my lands’.

    I was standing on my parapet over looking my court yard where all the hunky men of the land were jousting and playing on the fields hoping to impress me. I was standing in the Wonder Woman stance for added confidence.

    I busied myself with all my Queenly business and other courtiers.

    I also worked on a very dense psychological issue I had. I figured as I resolved that issue that MusicTd would fade away if he were looking for weakness about me.

    Instead he seems to want to see me however, briefly about 3 times per week if only for a moment. He will come forward and talk if I give him the room. Perhaps he is one of those used to women chasing him and he expects me to do it.

    Plus he hasn’t stepped up to the plate on a small project I have that he said he was going to help me with. I stay sort of cool to him because of this.

    Azure blu, sigh, you are surely right about the ‘little boy’ issue. I’m getting the feeling now he needs to touch base with me if only for a moment and he gets something from this. I sure don’t. I want some talk, laughter, etc. and I want to find out what he tastes like. He seems driven to be ‘so busy’ around me.



  390.  #391Mistea1 on December 7, 2014 at 5:50 pm

    Andrea 376
    You are so astute in your observations. I feel you are making such good headway here that the tide should change just because it needs to!

    Are you saying that the men you date are lack luster because you have a lack of self worth? Or do you feel your self esteem has gone down because the crop of men are lack luster? I felt that my self esteem took a hit because of the wierd way MusicTd was acting around me early on. It didn’t really but the situation made me question myself.

    Natalina Thanks for the information on efforting. “anything more than what effort it takes to take care of me needs to be scaled back.” Very helpful.

    Lotus 377 I’m so glad you wrote about being ‘smitten and the siren muscle weakens’. I was so surprised when that happened to me. I guess I’ve never been smitten before. I was so glad to find this site to help explain what I was going through. I was so embarrassed to find myself uttering spontaneous gushings of flirtingness. Now at least I can be more aware when I do this. It was like I was a different person.
    son.



  391.  #392Indigo on December 7, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    Mistea 388,

    Queen surveying my lands! I love it!

    For me, I imagine myself as a princess in a castle with a life that I adore, and I get to decide who I let into my life, and for how long. Not in a nasty way, just in a way of wanting to carve out the life for me that feels just right.

    Dixie, I found your story very helpful. And nyx, yours too. I too want D, “but only in the right way”.

    On that note, I feel like I have been too available on Skype, he has been texting me on there fairly often and I feel like he has too ready access to me. May not be a bad idea to go offline every now and then.



  392.  #393Tatia on December 7, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    Yay! Teleclass!



  393.  #394Tatia on December 7, 2014 at 9:01 pm

    RRRCT Changed My Life.

    I LOVE being a coach.

    It was hard and rewarding work.

    Rori is Absolutely Amazing & Awesome!

    The Master Coaches All Wonderful & Supportive. The Clinics Are Essential – We Practiced, practiced, practiced and then practiced some more.

    RRRCT is an extremely professional venture and you get an unbelievable wealth of information, material, knowledge an instruction.

    In addition to learning the art of coaching, you’re going to learn an enormous amount of business skills!

    I could on for pages.

    Let me sum it all up by saying that I’m Happier Than I’ve Ever Been In My Life.

    I love being a coach.

    Love,

    Tatia



  394.  #395Emerson on December 7, 2014 at 10:19 pm

    355 Mistea1
    Ugh, I’m trying to stay positive, and it’s hard to when I see what’s out there, slim pickings. I know that’s not the right attitude, but I’m fearing that idea that “all the good ones are taken”….oh I hope not true…
    I know there’s someone special out there for us, just think that the online dating pool has been saturated by alot of people I am not interested in, i.e. someone looking for a perfect woman who cooks, has a career, ambition and athletic body. Oh boy. I feel gravely under qualified if I read too many of these men’s profiles. Once my Eharmony expires, I am not renewing. It’s a joke. I had better luck meeting people on POF and OKcupid.
    IMHO< Don't waste your money on Eharmony.



  395.  #396Emerson on December 7, 2014 at 10:24 pm

    BTW, the men who are penning these high expectations are no picture of perfection themselves. Really surprising, maybe they have a lot of $$ and are used to ordering up exactly what they want at a snap of a finger and having it magically appear.
    Well I really don’t know.
    I’m really quite puzzled by the whole ordeal. Not sure what to make of it, really.
    I feel amused at some level.
    Silly boys!
    I also have been developing a crush on a new coworker haha…what is it with me and coworkers! This time it’s totally unexpected, it’s a man who I didn’t even like before at all…I used to ignore him and walk right by him rolling my eyes inside, such a prickly attitude toward him.
    Now, I’ve softened a bit, as I’ve gotten to know him he is actually very nice and I like being around him. I even practiced my Rori tools with him and allowed him to give to me (he offered me money to buy a coffee, I had forgotten my wallet), and he has been joking about taking me out…?? I didn’t take it seriously and still don’t, but I’m putting warmer energy toward him and staying totally in the feminine to see what happens…it’s all taken me by surprise actually regarding how I feel! I am thinking about him a lot!



  396.  #397Indigo on December 7, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    Victoria 382,

    My goal is leaning back until forever! At least until I am in my forever relationship.



  397.  #398Victoria on December 8, 2014 at 12:03 am

    Indigo,
    fantastic, you have all my support!
    Leaning back is the way to go!
    Skype by the way, is something that I had to wean myself out of, kind of like you did with FB.
    I now have forgotten my password, and know I can open a new account, or try to reactivate the old one, but honestly, my life is simpler without it.



  398.  #399Indigo on December 8, 2014 at 1:13 am

    Victoria,

    Thanks! And also for all the inspiration over your journey with leaning back.

    The only reason I have Skype is because I’m not so crazy about my phone, and it is a powerful way to keep in touch with friends and family which is much more intimate than Facebook. I enjoy that aspect of it. But I find I have to go offline every now and again, as it can sometimes feel a little overwhelming all on its own.



  399.  #400Sophie on December 8, 2014 at 2:57 am

    Emotions are so funny.I feel miserable today.To be honest since arriving on the island I’m on now I have been feeling disappointed and a bit unhappy but I do a lot of flipping it and trying to stay positive…then it just kind of gets too much and I finally admit I feel miserable! People in general have been really unfriendly – really unfriendly and so now, after four days of it I’m feeling a bit yuk and what to get away from here. Trying to organise new travel plans – coming up against frustrations with booking the tickets. I have absolutely no desire, despite feeling a bit miserable, to reach out to a single man for support or attention. I just do not feel interested. That is a result!



  400.  #401Victoria on December 8, 2014 at 5:39 am

    Emotions are so funny. I feel very happy today, for a number of reasons. Most of all, it is my love that makes me happy. We saw each other today, and it was super good, like really truly good. He is handsome, charming, generous, smart funny, and totally in love with me. I have a date set up with him for tomorrow as well. I am leaning back and smiling, and melting (thank you whoever reminded me to do that) :-). Life can be very good.
    Actually, I had already accepted another date, which I will now have to cruelly cancel. What can I do, I can not be at two places at the same time.
    And, it seems I got another CD enlisted for my rotation last Friday, at my gym. He has not asked for my number yet, but I can tell he wants it. He basically made sure to tell me at what time he will be coming to the gym for the next week, so that I can see him if I (accidentally) want to.
    I am a magnet. Ti-ri-ri-ri-ram!



  401.  #402Andrea on December 8, 2014 at 6:38 am

    Magnet!!! Haha! Yes Victoria. I love it. I love that you have a love. : )
    Here’s a quote from Rori’s e.book that touched my heart today and made me say, “Yes. That’s what I want.”

    “Unlike a relationship with a not-so-good guy, where the passion can come from feeling off balance and insecure most of the time, the passion in a relationship with a good, steady, loving man comes from the exhilaration of being able to show your soul and be loved for it.”

    I feel the need to be transparent with myself first and love me for it. Then practice with people in my life, showing my soul and allowing them to love me for it. Then magnetizing (thanks Victoria) a man who is steady, good, and loving. I would love to share our transparency, love and be loved.

    I keep visualizing the weight of a diamond ring on my finger. I really feel the sensation of it. I have no idea who the man is… hahaha.. but I just feel like it’s about to happen. That I’m about to meet the man who gives me the sense, for the first time in my life, that I would like to be his. (Is that strange? It’s just such a strong feeling I have lately.)



  402.  #403Victoria on December 8, 2014 at 6:49 am

    Andrea,
    It is not strange at all. I got goosebumps on my skin when I read what you wrote (does this make sense in English?).
    I am sure your intuition is correct, and he is well on his way.



  403.  #404Lotus on December 8, 2014 at 6:58 am

    Victoria – yay for you! Is that F you’re referring to?
    Leaning back and smiling, unzipper your heart – works like magic every time!



  404.  #405Victoria on December 8, 2014 at 7:04 am

    Lotus,
    Of course it it him!
    When he treats me well, I see him as the most amazing man in the world.
    Then, when he cancells on me, or is late, or forgets to call when he said he will, I lean back, but I also steam (less and less these days) and I see him as half the man I see otherwise ๐Ÿ™‚



  405.  #406Andrea on December 8, 2014 at 7:27 am

    Thank you Victoria. : )

    And speaking of taking exquisite care of self…

    I have excitedly ramped up my raw foods diet and working out. I’ve cut way back on alcohol, sugar, (except the natural sugar I’m getting from fruit smoothies) and meat. And I feel such good clean energy. I have lost 8 lbs so far this month.

    Also I went to my doctor and asked him to check me over… everything, from my thyroid, hormones, std’s, heart…. I had him give me a thorough physical.

    My lab results this morning were wonderful. Hormone levels are normal, no std’s, no health issues, everything good.

    I feel clean. I feel brand new. I feel .. no lingering affects of my “learning”…. I feel pristine, like I can present myself to my next partner and know with out a doubt that he is so lucky. And expect that he also be healthy, clean, up to par…. heh.

    Well it feels so very excellent to take care of myself.



  406.  #407Lotus on December 8, 2014 at 7:33 am

    Victoria – ah I’m glad F is making you happy.
    So how about getting him to ramp up the consistency..
    I wonder when he arrives on time, do you thank him and tell him how happy you are when you don’t have to wait for your man, that it makes you feel like a lady? And when he makes you feel like a cherished lady, you see him as the most amazing man in the world?
    Just little rewards so that he will react to you like catnip and feel inspired to be your hero.. I’m thinking about dog training here, not to belittle men, but I find that when I’m feeling a bit resentful, I forget to praise them for when they do make an effort. Men are insecure and they need their ladies to lift them up with appreciation.

    Here’s something you could try saying,
    ‘It feels so good spending time with you. I’m just a girl here and being connected to my man is important to me. It makes me feel warm when I hear your voice. I really like it when you call.’

    I find I have to come from a place of warmth and easiness, and lying on my back on my bed seems to help! For me it backfires when I feel annoyed or needy… so I have to check-in with how I feel.



  407.  #408Victoria on December 8, 2014 at 7:48 am

    Lotus,
    I know what you mean, but frankly, to thank him that he comes on time? First of all, that would be a VERY RARE OCCASION.
    Remember, he gave me a watch for my birthday. The watch was late when he gave it to me (about 6-7 minutes late and two days behind on the date). I am deliberately not fixing it, to just remember how the man is, and just expect that he will be late. So, he is predicatably late, and I can kind of live with it.
    Next thing is, do I have to thank him for not cancelling a date he offered?
    I am very gererous with praise, but only when i believe it is deserved.
    The other thing is, I know about scripting, but I would simply not be able to turn my tongue around “I am just a girl here…”
    Even if he does not ramp up the consistency, I don’t care. I am a magnet, an effortless magnet ๐Ÿ™‚



  408.  #409Victoria on December 8, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Hehe, I am not at all “just a girl here”.
    I am a raw and mysterious natural force…
    Magnetic.

    Let me also share my favorite Margaret Thatcher quote:

    “Power is like being a lady… if you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”



  409.  #410Indigo on December 8, 2014 at 7:57 am

    Victoria,

    As much as I love scripting and Rori’s suggestions, I have to agree with you here.

    I simply cannot bring myself to gush with appreciation when a man keeps a date or shows up on time. I can certainly melt and thank him for all the things he does on the date – like opening my door, and paying, etc. ๐Ÿ™‚

    I also have never liked “I’m just a girl here” (sorry, Rori). “Just” a girl doesn’t feel right. I am not “just” anything. And it kind of makes me feel like I am deliberately downplaying myself and making myself seem “cutesy” or something. I’d rather just talk in terms of myself as a person, such as “I feel…” or “I prefer it when…”