Free Teleclass And Interview With Coach Helena Hart!

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helena hartHelena Hart’s doing a Free Teleclass this Thursday!

Go here to get your space – I know it’ll be amazing and helpful, with lots of personal attention:

"6 Steps To Effortlessly Attract The Right Man For You" – FREE Teleclass Replay!

Love, Rori


And to get Helena’s great interview with me – go here–>

Interview With Love And Relationship Coach Helena Hart

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  1.  #1Tee on February 1, 2016 at 4:49 pm

    Ok I have a question. How can someone become an assistant to a coach? I figure it has to be quite the learning experience plus a really cool job. I wasn’t sure who to ask or where to ask. Anyone with information can email me at

  2.  #2Femininewoman on February 1, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    The timing is unfortunately not good this time.

  3.  #3Mandy on February 1, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    Darnit, I wanna stomp my feet on the floor, lol. I always miss these teleclasses 😛

    I have a procedure that day at that time to help out my right hand that is all tied up ligament-wise on the inside, lol.

    I wonder if i can hear a recording, download it or something.

    But things have been pretty relaxed on my end. My CDs are all doing their thing, and me doing mine…I’ve just been pretty tired lately, probably due to my Thyroid hormone replacement drugs not quite doing the trick.

    Pretty uneventful but I’m not sure I have the energy this week to do much anyway, lol.

    Feel just kinda blah lol

  4.  #4Rori Raye on February 1, 2016 at 7:17 pm

    All – yes, Helena will send you the link to hear the replay if you’re signed up to the Teleclass!.Love, Rori

  5.  #5Rori Raye on February 1, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    Tee – Most of us coaches and entrepreneurs use “virtual” assistants…and a good one is hard to find. My assistant Melanie is a friend of my daughter’s who I’ve known for years and years – if this is something you’d like to try as a job – go to and check out “Virtual Assistants” or “VAs” and see what the job descriptions are – and perhaps offer your services.

    Often, a lot of technical, website and Infusionsoft software stuff is what’s needed. Melanie handles the enrollment parts and email parts of RRRCT, makes spreadsheets for nearly everything about the Business Siren and Love Forever classes…

    Most of us still do so much of our businesses ourselves – I do all my own Facebook and Instagram posting, all writing and most of the technical stuff, too. If this is something you’d like to do – I can get your resume out there….Love, Rori

  6.  #6Mandy on February 2, 2016 at 5:16 am

    Awww, Rori’s chatting! I love it when she interacts.

    So check this out…

    Ready to let go of the idea of what will happen next. Not intending fear or closing off. Staying open….

    Want to remind myself life just happens when you don’t get a text or call from that great guy.

    I intend more not to worry that I’m not liked, loved, appreciated or am being ignored when this happens.
    And I feel slightly more comfy every day these days, with things like this.

    I have cultivated a lot of trust in myself, the Universe and my Circular Date men. They always come back around to say hi in the most cheerful and enthusiastic manner. They always have something lovely to give, whether it’s caring advice, help, a visit, or even a token of affection, and just me being me is all I’m doing.

    For even my girlfriends, it may take any amount of time to get back to me. This is not an insult to me…People do the best they can, for the most part if they are good people.

    Reminding myself to not worry if my CD spends time online doing other things besides talking to me.

    Everyone I speak to, I want them to have enough time to commit a proper moment when we can fully hear each other and give our best… share, tell, show passion in sharing…

    I intend to remember I am not the center of anyone’s universe. I am the center of mine…I’m not entitled to his time, I’m entitled to mine, and feeling good in my time. If I really need to reach out I can call my mom and tell her I love her.

    And when a CD doesn’t respond or doesn’t initiate, that they very well may just be living life…driving, unaware they are being contacted or just tired.

    While I am being patient to hear back, I can lose myself in art, movies, my cup of coffee, a conversation even with a stranger, cultivate a new hobby or interest, do something new like take a class.

    Better to choose to feel happy a loved one is living their life, getting things done, rather than choosing to feel angry you are not being contacted right away this very minute or taking it personally.

    If my CD takes awhile to respond, I intend not to let my imagination run away with me, choose anger or choose to feel disvalued or unloved.

    I don’t forget that anticipation can be fun.
    I want to remember….I don’t need all the answers right now.

    Heck I can’t claim to know what’s going on in anyone’s head 🙂

  7.  #7Tee on February 2, 2016 at 5:34 am

    Yes yes Rori, thank you! I have more questions, what’s the next step?

  8.  #8heroine on February 2, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    Dear Blog – Last night I was drinking a lot and sent a racy pic to a guy I am chatting with…
    I feel Guilty and weird about it now …I feel a bit trashy…why did I do that!…#facepalm

  9.  #9heroine on February 2, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    I was dating a guy and I let out the crazy one time too many and it ended…
    Then I meet the other guy but he was just visiting and went back to his home country…i felt really attracted to him
    And we text each other a lot…
    But I don’t really feel his masculine energy coming at me…
    It is more like a friendship and I feel kinda bored…
    I would really like it if he leaned forward more and flirted heavily with me lol

    I feel lost with regards to dating…

  10.  #10IamHis on February 2, 2016 at 8:01 pm

    ugg, I feel so triggered by the term “let the crazy out” What does that mean, exactly?

    Does it mean repressed and then explosive emotions?

    Or does it mean assumptions, blaming, or other less-than-ideal forms of communication?

    It just doesn’t feel fair. 🙁

  11.  #11Azure Blu on February 2, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    I’m feeling curious
    How is the, breakfast in the morning, going?

  12.  #12Azure Blu on February 2, 2016 at 8:13 pm

    heroine #9
    when you say you wish the guy would be coming forward more… are you leaning back so he has the space to come forward?
    are you dating others also?

  13.  #13Millie on February 3, 2016 at 12:19 am

    I was just thinking about something tonight…
    That men want us to be happy. They don’t want to know their absence changes how we feel about ourselves. They are happy when we are happy. They are happy when the things they do, that they feel good about brings us joy. When they do things that they know aren’t good, that they know don’t make us feel good and we still want them, it lowers their attraction to us. When a man knowingly misbehaves, we must find a way to sever out longing and objectively look at his actions as whether or not he is a viable partner. This is where there is s disconnect for me… A man misbehaves, knowingly, and it doesn’t kill my desire. Why? How can I bridge this disconnect? What is my desire really based on if not a man’s actions or lack of towards me and how I feel? Is my mind so strong that I do not allow myself to sink into my body enough to let desire fade naturally when a man isn’t coming forward? Am I too afraid to let go, because if he is gone in my heart and mind, he will no longer be alive? Why am I scared of letting go truly and trusting the right person will stay willingly? Am I afraid to be without a comfort person? An imaginary longing in my mind and body? To not have anyone? To not have any CDs or any prospects? To be completely present without desire?

  14.  #14Indigo on February 3, 2016 at 12:29 am


    To be perfectly honest, I think you are over-complicating this. I think most or certainly many people still feel a sense of desire or longing for someone they had strong feelings for, even IF and after that person misbehaves. I certainly do.

    But I have learnt to just behave my way out of that scenario. You make your desire for self-preservation override your emotional longing for that person – you practice being strong until it becomes more second nature. You commit acts of self-respect and self-love and pretty soon you actually start to respect and love yourself. There is no quick fix. It isn’t easy at first and maybe never. At least that’s how it’s been for me.

  15.  #15Victoria on February 3, 2016 at 1:17 am

    I also sometimes find myself questioning how and why and could it have been any different… But I have noticed that this happens when I am bored, and have nothing important to focus on. My brain is wired to worry, and if it is not one thing, it will be another.
    I have been working to train myself to redirect my mental energy to other things or other people or I will drive myself in circles.
    As for being completely present without desire – where did this come from? This is probably the budhist idea of nirvana… I am not that spiritual (yet?).
    I like being present with desire. It would be even more boring without desire, me thinks 🙂

  16.  #16Mandy on February 3, 2016 at 1:30 am

    It’s weird……Its funny because I’ll miss Valentine and just say to myself, oh Phooey, and even if I haven’t said a word to him about missing him, he will apologize and say I’m sorry I’ve been an a-hole, you deserve more attention than this, and I say, well, let’s have it, and we happily forget about both our problems, in each other’s arms….
    It’s just funny because he gets afraid that since he can’t keep up with me as much as he’d like, that I’ll drift away. I guess that’s kind of good. He had to ask me once again if he can still see me, and I said yes. Lol.

    I feel that way too sometimes in dating situations, except it’s not my job as a woman, lol! Like if I don’t keep up with them, and show them attention, they’ll drift away, lol. I had to stop picking up the “fire hose” to douse the “flames”…but I love it when he rushes to rescue me as it were, lol!!!!!!! He’s like I’m here, finally, I don’t deserve you because I haven’t given you nearly enough attention, but here I am anyway! I want to say to him, you have no idea how right on you are right now being here, lol, that’s all that matters!

    I get the idea a good, masculine man actually feels bad when he feels he hasn’t given his sweetheart enough attention! That’s cool!

    Tremendous amount of guilt he feels for not doing something he thinks he should. I don’t know what he thinks he should do, I don’t know how high the bar is raised in his head, and I’m not sure if it matters. But damn, I’ve never seen a man do that!

    I wonder, is that guilt or worry, a man’s need to care for a woman, does it manifest in that way sometimes? As worry, anxiety, guilt or sadness even?

  17.  #17Femininewoman on February 3, 2016 at 2:56 am

    Indigo I believe it is that sense of longing that many people take to mean that they are in love with someone. I remember Rori wrote something about it some time ago. Will try to see if I can find it. She said something to the effect that she is over that longing for that someone is not there. That love that is not in front of her.

  18.  #18heroine on February 3, 2016 at 3:11 am

    Azure blue – hmm I might go on a date with a guy that has been asking me to meet up for coffee…
    As for the guy – we just text each other a lot…so not much room to lean forward or back since he lives in another country…

  19.  #19heroine on February 3, 2016 at 3:12 am

    Azure Blu – btw thanks for the response…I appreciate it 🙂

  20.  #20heroine on February 3, 2016 at 3:14 am

    IAmHis – I don’t want you to feel ignored but I feel tired and drained right now and not in the mood to debate…

  21.  #21Indigo on February 3, 2016 at 3:38 am


    I don’t know if your version of “let the crazy out” is the same as mine, but I’ve certainly done this. I think most of us have.

    I pretty much always regret it, and it’s an area that I’m actively working on and it’s got SO SO much better with time. There’s still been the rare occasion where it’s happened however, and I’m working on it. However what I’ve noticed is this, and maybe this might resonate: even though I don’t like how I behave in those moments, it’s always pointing to a deeper message about the relationship. My “acting crazy” is always just an outward expression that the relationship is just not fulfilling my needs or not what I want. In other words, I am trying to convince myself to go along with a scenario that is really not making me happy, and next thing you know I am acting irrationally over something relatively small.

    Is a man who lives in another country really what you want?

  22.  #22Femininewoman on February 3, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Millie – in Sami Wunder’s words:-

    “One of the key reasons why I give the “traditional advice” of holding off the sex for at least 3 months when dating is because the moment you as a woman sleep with a man, your body releases an attachment hormone “Oxytocin” that bonds you instantly with him. This hormone makes everything about this man and relationship feel way more intense and “real” than it actually is.

    It should be clear to you that it’s okay if you feel this way for the right man but very often our hormones make us feel this way for the wrong guy and cloud our ability to see things for what they truly are.

    Sex can be tricky and while many women tell me they want to have it “just for fun” with a man, thanks to their hormones, they often end up finding themselves attached to him and later craving and pining for him.”

  23.  #23Tee on February 3, 2016 at 7:52 am

    #11 Hey Azure Blue,

    I haven’t done breakfast consistently.
    He’ll do breakfast one day, then I’ll do it the next day. However, it’s been interesting because he’s now off from work until April.

    So I’m getting the full brunt of his adhd lol

    The constant teasing, wise cracks, comments, etc

    It’s almost too much to take, I have to remind myself that he’s just kidding, he’s just playing lol

    Example; He’ll say Woman where’s my breakfast! Then he’ll start snapping his fingers like Hurry up! Then he’s like How many eggs do you have?
    I’ll say 2. He’ll say, You know I like eggs, I want 6 eggs! How are you making my eggs…I want them runny, etc.

    I’ll start to get kinda huffy by this point because he’ll then come over to me to “show me” how to do them.
    Then he’ll say, You know I’m trying to get on your nerves right?

    He likes attention so he’ll make extra noise when he’s eating just to annoy me

    This isn’t every morning but it’s just a glimpse of how E can be when there’s no outlet for his energy

    When he’s out or at work…there’s more than enough people around so he can spread the energy. When he’s home, there’s just me &/or our son

    He can be alot lol but I don’t want to make his time off unpleasant so I’m trying to roll with it

  24.  #24Femininewoman on February 3, 2016 at 8:02 am

    Heroine maybe you’ll find this from Mimi Tanner interesting:-

    “What is the fastest possible way to get rid of a man (or a woman for that matter)?

    It’s by acting crazy in a scary way. Do you know anyone who scares men off by acting like a raving lunatic?

    How about you? Ever “lost it” in front of a guy? Ever caused a man to think that you are a freaking nutcase?? BONKERS??? Ready to take up residence in the local laughing academy?

    Not that we all wouldn’t like a “vacation” – to recover from this super-stressful world! No time for that Nervous Breakdown this month!

    Don’t get me wrong – I have the utmost concern for anyone who faces real emotional pain for any reason. I’m still trying to get it all figured out, like most of us. We’re all in this together!

    And every time my kids have ever said to me (affectionately, I’m sure), “Mom, you’re crazy,” my standard response is, “We’ve already established that.”

    But here I’m talking about how you relate to the guys in your life. Do you ever act “crazy” – as in SCARY crazy?

    I mean REALLY crazy: a “Bunny Boiler” (harking back to the classic movie “Fatal Attraction”). If you have never seen that movie, then it is an absolute MUST. (This movie is not intended for children.)

    In “Fatal Attraction” you have two great examples of women. One is the epitome of a classy and desirable woman. She’s the wife, played by Anne Archer, who can teach by example what charm and grace is all about.

    The other example of “what not to do” (to put it mildly) is the character who made “Bunny Boiler” a household word, played unforgettably by Glenn Close.

    This movie is based on a British film. Both are great cautionary tales about the potential consequences of infidelity. (If you’ve ever seen it, you’ll remember the “ring……ring…..” vividly!)

    But back to our topic: people who “act out” in their romantic relationship, and the chilling effect it has on the person who was attracted to them (but who is now signing up for a course in self-defense).

    No one is perfect! When the stress is mounting, we can lose it. These days, people lose it a LOT.

    In the old days, there were Etiquette classes; these have been replaced by Anger Management classes. We lost our manners but found our voice – and it is very LOUD.

    When it comes to the heart, the stakes are very high, It’s easy to find yourself rattled – sometimes in reaction to HIS behavior and how you interpret it.

    When someone “loses” it, there’s always a reason.

    There is always a reason behind whatever set off the fury button.

    If you’ve done this, you are not alone. A day does not go by that I hear from a woman who has really “lost it” one way or another, and is hoping she can make things right again.

    If you’re going to freak out, well, try to do it OUTSIDE your dating life. WHEN you’re dating, keep your cool. Keep your wits about you. Show self-control.

    Life is stressful enough, so compartmentalize the stressful parts. Keep in mind where you are strongest and at your best.

    In a relationship, if you start acting in a way that makes your sweetheart even wonder for a second that you could become a true “bunny boiling,” volatile, drunk-dialing STALKER… then most sane men will drop whatever you thought was your “relationship” in a heartbeat!

    Now maybe you are nowhere near a Stalker. Maybe you just have little temper tantrums. Trust me, this too can scare off a great man!”

  25.  #25Femininewoman on February 3, 2016 at 8:04 am

    Tee you need to take care of yourself when it becomes overwhelming. Does he know how you feel? Have you considered breaking up the time together to help reduce the intensity?

  26.  #26Tee on February 3, 2016 at 9:19 am

    #25 FW

    I try to roll with it. Most times he can tell when I’m annoyed. Sometimes he’ll stop & do something else. Sometimes I tell myself that maybe I need to tease him first

    I have a sense of humor but yes, he can be overwhelming

    Then sometimes he’ll leave. Not right away but I think he has a threshold of how long he can stay indoors before he needs to be outside

    From what I’ve noticed, he can be home for 2-3 days lol before I guess he starts to get antsy. I mean home as in, he’ll go downstairs, he’ll go to the store but he’ll be back. After he’s reached his threshold of captivity lol he needs to go out

    Then that’s when I start to get antsy because I don’t know exactly when he’ll be back & we’re not supposed to ask

    It’s interesting to kinda remove myself mentally from it and watch. I’m not always able to do that. I usually find something offensive in it, his need to be on the move, it feels like I’m being excluded

    When we’re together, running errands, I’m a spectator. He just seems alive when his feet hits the pavement. He likes to tell me about different buildings, different streets to use, places he use to hang out at as a kid, etc.

    When I’m just running errands alone, I’m trying to be done so I can get back home as soon as possible

    He just sometimes seems like such a solitary man that I have accused him of wanting to just be left alone so he can be without family, single, on his own, etc

    He says that that’s not true. Maybe because I wasn’t raised with men that I don’t understand that type of detachment? Or that’s just the type of dude he is?

    I guess love, to me, means attachment
    Anything less, to me, is suspicious
    E has a different opinion on things.
    He feels like as long as you’re not cheating & you always come back home….you’re basically free to do whatever

    I personally have never tested that theory. I’m trying to figure it out & I know that subconsciously I chose him for this reason. In the beginning, before I became an insecure cling-on lol, I dug how he didn’t smother me or baby me like some guys had, etc. I’m sure he liked that I treated him the same way, I wasn’t constantly after him physically or emotionally, etc.

    Then I changed & haven’t been the same since. Every call, interaction, movement, friend is a threat on some level. I’m trying to just BE mostly.
    It’s only as hard as I make it. Some days are better than others

  27.  #27Femininewoman on February 3, 2016 at 9:59 am

    Tee rolling with it just sound so masculine though. If I were you I’d just start leaving and going for a walk or run when things start to feel overwhelming. Just say “ouch, this doesn’t feel good. I am going for a walk”. Even if it is to go for 5 minutes and come back. The way how you explain his method of operating I believe he would understand.

  28.  #28Femininewoman on February 3, 2016 at 10:01 am

    I guess love, to me, means attachment

    Tee this sounds dysfunctional to me. Like co-dependence.

  29.  #29Tee on February 3, 2016 at 10:27 am

    #27 FW

    Lol sometimes I do leave. I left this morning to go get coffee and then he starts right back up again when I came back smh

    I just say Alot of Yup, sure, uh huh lol
    I don’t think he gets how he can be sometimes.

    Our son, to some degree, is like this.
    Cooped up too long, he starts to be a little much. So I’ll take him out & stroll him around. It seems to take some of the edge off.

    Since we ran some errands recently, E seems a little more settled. That’s just my take on this

    Codependence. No surprised. I’m trying to work my way out of that

  30.  #30Millie on February 3, 2016 at 10:42 am

    Indigo– yeah it really isn’t easy, I’m taking things one day at a time, moment to moment, working through my triggers and trying to soothe myself before the trigger takes over and gets out of hand.

    Victoria– haha boredom does nurture worry! I’m actually trying to not worry and take the pressure off of myself. I don’t have to DO anything, solve anything… Right now. It’s hard of course. If I had many men circling me who is to say I would even be thinking about M. But I have to learn to occupy my mind and not wish for things that aren’t there.

    Femininewoman- wow three months is a long time to date someone without sex. I feel like I’m the past when I told a guy I wanted to wait, it felt not truthful. I felt manipulative and strategizy. I wish I could find an authentic way to handle it. It’s funny how we get addicted to certain men hormonally and others not. I like that.

    I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I feel like I’m doing really well, so well and better, but still my date card is empty. All the leaning back and practicing tools… I guess I need to do it more and wait.

  31.  #31Lovergirl on February 3, 2016 at 12:14 pm

    I really feel like waiting three months to have sex, would turn guys completely away, at least at my age. Okay, if you are 18 or 21 maybe, but not at almost 40. By then its just playing games and being pretentious to hold out like that. Unless you have religious objections and are dating a religious man, it is going to feel forced and fake, in my opinion.

  32.  #32Millie on February 3, 2016 at 12:26 pm

    I actually talked to two of my coworkers about it. One is married the other is in a serious relationship and both said they waited three months and their guys were respectful. Both girls are in their twenties. The one who is married said she even slept with other men, but not him because she really liked him. Hmm

  33.  #33Tereana on February 3, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    I’ve been thinking of writing a text to my guy out of state. Something like “Hey, it makes me feel so sexy to think of you coming to visit me.” Because it is true – it does make me feel very sexy and juicy. Which is such a nice feeling, because it’s been a while since I really thought of myself that way with a guy. (seems like a while. Or maybe just cool because it’s new with this guy. Anyway). But I haven’t.

    I like to think that I am not “interrupting” this thought process with my own input. It could come across as if I’m trying to “convince” him or tantalize him into coming to see me. I don’t think he needs tantalizing or convincing. I think he genuinely already wants to come and see me, and so right now, he is doing the legwork he needs to do to make sure that can happen (if it’s going to happen). It’s a problem solving thing for him. He gets to be in problem-solving, “fix-it” mode. which is probably pretty cool for him. I might want to hear some updates. And it is so hard not to “interrupt.” But an interruption could be bad for his process.

    It’s fun for me to think of him this way. And anyway, maybe it’s juicier if I just think of the possibilities (without getting too attached to them), and stay in the present moment than if I get really caught up in communicating to him.

    I did communicate only one thing – that one of the weekends he had suggested he could come up would be not so good for me. But that’s one weekend that he would have had to change plans in order to come see me. He hasn’t written back after that. So I guess I just need to wait until I hear from him? If I hear from him.

    Ah, the juicy, sexy space in between. I just need to trust that he’s doing his thing and totally thinking about me all the time…a really cool thought : D

  34.  #34Tereana on February 3, 2016 at 7:25 pm

    Lovergirl (31) – I know exactly what you mean!! I am not “almost 40.” But I’m over 30. And I even had this experience with myself. I refused sex with someone, and granted, I had my reasons in the moment. But I was trying to justify it. Like because I want a relationship, and this and that. But in the end, when I thought about all the reasons I had given, I felt like, no, that’s kind of BS. If I was really honest with myself, I did want to sleep with him. And yes, I do want a relationship. But right in that moment, it wasn’t about that. So then of course I wanted to sleep with him, but it was too late.

    And yeah, it did feel like playing games. And whether you are going to sleep with a guy or not, I guess the bottom line is, don’t play a game. If you want to sleep with him, do that. And if you don’t, don’t. And there’s not need to explain or apologize for your choice either way.

  35.  #35BeLoved on February 3, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    I’m newly 45, and honestly, I do not care if guys are turned off by my not wanting to have sex until I feel ready. I’ve been abstinent for 7 years and I have never been happier in my whole life.

    Three months doesn’t seem like long to wait, especially since the pattern of men seemingly becoming entirely different people at the 3 month mark is so common.

    For me, waiting isn’t about playing games because I’m not withholding to get a relationship. Initially I chose abstinence because the sex I was having with my ex was so traumatizing and dysfunctional, that I promised myself I wouldn’t have sex with someone again until it was with someone mutually in love and it felt right and good. I had NO idea it would be YEARS!

    I choose to wait until I have the ‘contract’ I want, because I know the toll sex takes and the risks it entails. Sleeping with someone I just met who I don’t know well, is exposing me to a potentially massive circle of exposure. My whole life I have been extraordinarily fertile, and also had multiple miscarriages. Even at 45, it would not surprise me if I am still highly fertile. I will not take the risk of pregnancy with an uncommitted partner. I will not take the risk of STD’s with an uncommitted partner. I will not risk the oxytocin attachment with an uncommitted partner. We also pick up DNA from our sexual partners – I choose to be choosy about whose DNA I allow in. It is all about ME, and taking the best care of ME and my body, and nothing really to do with playing games.

  36.  #36Starla on February 3, 2016 at 9:06 pm

    I made all my guys wait at least 3 months… Many i dated for several months and never slept with them. They never left me over it. I slept with my current guy before we were even “dating” and it also had no negative effect.

  37.  #37Lovergirl on February 3, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    I admit I have a bad taste in my mouth over waiting for sex too. My ex husband and I had sex shortly after we started dating and then stopped because he had rededicated himself to Christ.

    We didn’t have sex for a year and a half before we got married. He said that it was out of respect for me and love and I believed him. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He didn’t want to have sex AFTER we got married either. The lack of sex, and his hangups, during my marriage were just ridiculous.

    I do not trust men who claim not to want sex. I suspect they are either lying, gay, or full of madonna/whore. A normal, healthy, adult male, wants to have sex with the woman he is dating and doesn’t want to wait months on end. If he doesn’t, I’d suspect he’s either getting it elsewhere, or extremely low sex drive, which would be horrible for a long term relationship.

  38.  #38Indigo on February 3, 2016 at 10:02 pm

    Playing games or trying to work a strategy with a guy doesn’t work, but that goes for everything and not just having sex. Your focus should really be on what sex means to you, and what you can handle and going into it with this awareness will help you know when to have sex.

    Normally I wait a few weeks, but that is because this is usually enough time for me to know how the guy will behave after we have sex, and how I will feel. Usually by this time the guy has also asked me to be his girlfriend. Essentially as soon as I feel like it’s not a “big deal” emotionally for us to have sex, and when it just feels like a rational next step in our relationship which will bring us closer that’s when I do it.

    When you feel good about having sex with a guy it is a tremendous bonding agent.

  39.  #39Helena Hart on February 3, 2016 at 10:09 pm

    I just noticed this post, thank you so much for sharing this Rori!! 🙂 Looking forward to seeing those of you who can make it on the call – and if you can’t make the live teleclass, if you sign up I’ll be sure to send you the replay!

    Love, Helena

  40.  #40Millie on February 3, 2016 at 11:26 pm

    I would like to try waiting longer with the next guy I date. Not because I want to use that as a strategy, but because I think for me this is about prioritizing what I really want in the long run. I would love to feel emotionally connected with man before I had sex with him for the first time. WOW what would THAT feel like?!!! This also reminds me of Matt Boggs video where he said that choosing to abstain from sex will show you if a man is staying to spend time with you or not. I would like to challenge MYSELF to really SEE a man and BE with him, and not worry. My coworker who said that she waited three months– said that they had so much fun when they were dating! And I’d really like to have fun with a guy, just doing simple things, not always bringing it back to the bedroom. Part of me wonders..lf I’m using sex as a band aid for my own discomfort with real intimacy..

  41.  #41Indigo on February 4, 2016 at 12:03 am

    M and I had such a lot of fun before actually having sex… kissing and fooling around like teenagers. Building up the anticipation. It was great, and I think brought us a lot closer.

  42.  #42Sami Wunder on February 4, 2016 at 12:57 am

    #35 Beloved Love it ! Spot on 🙂 It’s not at all a strategy. It’s a way to respect your own sensitivities and feeling sure that you know what you’re getting into – which only comes with time. Totally authentic, high vibe, clear boundaries, nothing fake or pretentious about it. Love, Sami

  43.  #43IamHis on February 4, 2016 at 6:35 am

    Thanks for that, Sami. I agree, sex should never be used as a strategy.

  44.  #44IamHis on February 4, 2016 at 7:00 am

    @24 FeminineWoman – I feel massively triggered by this post.

    I recently watched Fatal Attraction in an attempt to understand some things.

    First of all, of course the “crazy” character, Alex, reacted poorly after her one night stand with Dan.

    But Dan acted just as bad. I can’t remember, but wasn’t he the one who broke into her home and attacked her, before she truly went “crazy?”

    Also, his well-behaved cute little wife went a little “crazy” when she found out that Dan impregnated Alex.

    And yet Dan is never portrayed as any kind of “bad guy” in that film.

    I don’t like double standards…

  45.  #45IamHis on February 4, 2016 at 7:02 am

    Taylor Swift is “crazy.” & absolutely brave, beautiful, & strong. She’s got Harry Styles writing songs about her. I love her!

  46.  #46IamHis on February 4, 2016 at 7:07 am

    Glen Close even said she hated what they did with her character…

  47.  #47IamHis on February 4, 2016 at 7:56 am

    (((Heroine)))) Thanks. I don’t feel ignored at all. Just riffing some feelings today. 🙂

  48.  #48IamHis on February 4, 2016 at 8:04 am

    Also, I love Harry Styles’ honesty with Taylor. “I hope you know what you’re looking for, cause I’m not good at making promises.”

  49.  #49daniela on February 4, 2016 at 5:36 pm

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  50.  #50Mandy on February 4, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Hey Sirens? Can I have some help please?

    I feel maybe I might be slipping back into some old patterns of behavior…

    I uh, have a very romantic vision of who Valentine is and that concerns me…he’s my favorite CD and I know I can’t pick one.

    Oh trust me, I even have more than three men in my rotation…and they are all very consistent…very much…

    Valentine is the one who feels most genuine and has shown action and not just said words…

    Men in general right now just keep talking to me, whatever their reason, so I must be doing something at least a little right…

    I’m just worried about laser-focusing on the one who’s the most…lol…fabulous….in my head. I KNOW it’s in my head. I know this.

    However it is hard to un-stick my emotions from it, lol. If a man is impressive to me I start to put him on a pedestal.

    Yikes. Pedestal sounds like MY spot. Where I need to be at, lol. The pedestal is mine, why the heck would I give it to him, in my right mind? LOL!

    Gah. I’m just feeling a little bit like my head is in the clouds and I need some grounding about this man.

    If anyone could help…I’d be very grateful. Just need to hear one of you say hey, so what about him, he’s cool, but you’re more cool, lol!

    GAH. I hate it when that happens…if I see a man I’m totally ridiculous for, I see him walking with clouds of glitter all around him like he’s some heavenly creature, lol.

    GAH! It’s freaking me out, lol! I feel pretty worried about it right now…fear even. It’s never gotten me into any good situation, idolizing a man. I just need help nipping it in the bud before it gets too big.

    But ya, if you can relate or you have anything to share please do, I’m in some need of some perspective. Thank you!

  51.  #51Helena Hart on February 4, 2016 at 6:06 pm

    I wanted to say thank you to everyone who participated in my teleclass today – I had so much fun and absolutely LOVED hearing from some of the amazing women on the call about how Rori’s tools have been working for them. 🙂

    The replay is available now, if you sign up here you’ll get instant access to it:

    Thanks again and love to you all!!

    Love, Helena

  52.  #52heroine on February 4, 2016 at 7:39 pm

    Feminine woman and Indigo – I am not regretful or embarrassed I “let out the crazy”…I have moved om from that connection…I feel a giggly about it really…
    Thank you both for the information and advice though…I really appreciate the concern ❤️

  53.  #53Azure Blu on February 4, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    Great job for noticing you’re putting V on a pedestal!!
    It happens to me and I don’t even notice it…

    I love what you said about the clouds of glitter….

    Maybe try and flip that and visualize yourself like a heavenly being with billowing light, beautiful, clouds of golden glitter and pink balloons and crystal charms…
    YOU are the Prize…

    I have noticed with Spirit I am starting to put him on a pedestal… and I stop it by
    grounding myself… listening to MY feelings…
    talking about MY feelings… focusing on MY life…
    because when the energy starts shifting too much to “HIM” I can feel him pulling away… cause he must feel the pressure of that energy…
    Too much intensity from me…
    Does any Sirens have more input about the pedestal…
    I think Sami Wunder has a blog post on her site about it.

  54.  #54Azure Blu on February 4, 2016 at 7:46 pm

    Beloved #45
    LOVE this… So well put!

    I can’t believe someone else has gone as long as I have, without s*x!!
    This was before Rori…
    I just needed a break cause I was making such BAD choices in men… and I knew the only one I could change was me… So I focused on raising my 2 children and worked on loving me MORE!

  55.  #55heroine on February 4, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    Blog – I leaned back and the Guy wrote me a sweet email…
    I responded but I didn’t try to carry the conversation and I talked a little about my day and how relaxed I felt…
    But then he responded after – briefly and seem to close off the conversation…that is the first time he has ever done that…
    I feel a little confused…I wonder if he was turned off by my feelings…Also I mentioned that I was doing something with a friend – the friend is a man…other friends were there too but when I read the messages again it sounded like we were alone .Do u think he got jealous? I didn’t do it internationally..I was just trying to CD and treat him like I would any friend..
    Or is it none of those and he just doesn’t want to talk to me anymore?
    Now I wonder if I will ever hear from him again?

    Do you think he will write me again?

  56.  #56heroine on February 4, 2016 at 7:52 pm

    Ps I feel a little weird to be analysing a message so deeply…I feel a little laughy and embarassed and teenager-ish…

  57.  #57heroine on February 4, 2016 at 7:59 pm

    Anyway – I’m taking to another guy who am not rrally that imterested im and I just ignore and don’t really think about…And he keeps asking me out a lot…
    I think I might go on a coffee date with him when I find the motivation…

    my interest in the MessageGuy is dwindling though…it is kind of surprising to me since I was so attracted to him but Men feel so boring when their energy isn’t coming at you…
    I miss Desiring him though…it felt nice to want someone intensely…

  58.  #58Indigo on February 4, 2016 at 10:16 pm


    One thing I have noticed, and that guys I know have told me, is that they are much more sensitive to the mention of other men than we realise. They usually “take it on the chin” but it hurts them as much as it hurts us when it is in reverse, and puts a little distance between us and them. I’m not saying that’s what happened with your guy, but it’s something to keep in mind.

    With M, I have started to practice asking myself how I would feel if he made the same comment to me about a woman or female friend, before I say something. In fact, I had to do this just yesterday.

  59.  #59Indigo on February 4, 2016 at 10:21 pm

    I have several good guy friends, and I don’t think this is a bad thing in and of itself, but I do try to handle it with sensitivity with my boyfriend.

  60.  #60Mandy on February 5, 2016 at 4:12 am

    Wow, I guess that IS a step up for me, isn’t it, Azure?

    A HUGE one.

    Usually I’d not go from the thought of him being this ethereal being to grounding myself…because okay I’ll admit, I’m in love with being infatuated. It just make life a lot more passionate but I’ve realized at the cost of some misery sometimes, like when you miss him and he’s just not able to be there.

    Don’t get me wrong! Valentine is certainly welcome in my rotation and is a special man because he is good and masculine and treats me how I should be treated, but I have to stop the behavior of just laser-focusing, even if it is with pleasant thoughts….

    Might feel good to daydream a bit, lol, as lots of us do…especially creative types…
    I find myself daydreaming about him a lot and i have to pull myself back to reality.

    Gotta remember this is a human being, equal to me, even though we are two different types of people. Not that he’s not great it’s just I sometimes pay too much attention to it! 😛

    I posted about how he was humbled in my mind about a week ago. He had a crush on friend of mine before he met me and long story short she completely rejected him, and the story really shrunk my idea of him in my head about you know,m him walking in clouds of glitter, lol.

    I realized he’s not everyone’s cup of tea, and one woman’s reject is another woman’s most awesome date…

    But that really put things into perspective. Like wow, he’s not perfect or whatever.


    Ohh, those eyes, that voice, that chest, that skin….yuuuusss…

    That’s me, when I lay down in bed, I daydream of snuggling him, and I actually think maybe it might be a way of laser-focusing even though it is so pleasant, lol.

  61.  #61Mandy on February 5, 2016 at 4:17 am

    PS – so I started listening to ASMR videos on youtube, they are videos that feature relaxing sounds. That does feel as good as daydreaming, lol. It is Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response triggers, which send tingles down your scalp and spine sometimes and relax you very deeply. VERY Sireny stuff. Thought I’d share that little trick…it does get me off of laser focusing on that favorite thought of mine, the hot man who’s sooooo dreamy. LOL 🙂

  62.  #62Azure Blu on February 5, 2016 at 7:20 am

    Indigo #57
    I do agree with this…
    I too have noticed that men are VERY sensitive about
    my mentioning other men…

    I actually think I can handle hearing about ex much better than men can…
    I like learning about men’s old relationships, cause for me, it is another insight into their lives, their heart. How they handled the breakup… if they blame the other person for EVERYTHING… If they are still friends…
    those kinds of things…

    But men tend to shut down quickly when I talk about my old relationships… I watch carefully, and when I feel the shut down… I stop talking… :-))

  63.  #63Lovergirl on February 5, 2016 at 8:28 am

    Yes! Men get visibly jealous whenever I talk about my ex husband, even though I feel like I make it very clear that I have absolutely no interest in him these days. It’s almost comical to me that they get upset.

    Like, I mentioned to RadioCD that my ex and his girlfriend broke up and his immediate response was to ask if he was going to move in with ME! There is NO WAY IN HELL I would have my ex husband move back in with me! Lol I said he talked of moving in with his NEW girlfriend and RadioCD asked if I was jealous. Nope, not jealous of her at all. I’d be more inclined to feel sorry for her…

    S was very jealous of my ex as well and it was kind of hard for me to understand. He knew all about the situation with my ex husband, yet he was still jealous. He was jealous that someone else had been married to me and had kids with me. :/

    The Boring guy- he would ask me things like was he better in bed than my ex husband? It was like ??? WHY does he think I would be comparing him to my ex husband, of all people!! I’ve been divorced for 5 years and my ex and I did not have a good sexual relationship. Try explaining that to guys though and they just can’t seem to fathom it.

    Even the Millionaire, he mentioned his “ex” a couple of times when we were together last. So I also commented on life in the past with my ex, but each time I used the term my “ex” I could see a flash of jealousy across his face. He didn’t say anything and I didn’t think he was the jealous type at all but I could tell he didn’t like it.

    Its funny because men will freely talk about the women that have been in their life but still react like that if you mention an ex, or ANY other man.

    I have been working around RadioCD a couple times lately and he is visibly jealous of my male co-worker. He goes out of the way to put the guy down to me, regarding his performance on the job and stuff like that. Never mind that male co-worker is significantly younger than me, has a gorgeous girlfriend and I think they are pretty happy! Yet he is friendly with his female co-workers and I’m just whatever about it!

  64.  #64Azure Blu on February 5, 2016 at 9:39 am

    :-)) so funny!

    It’s like they go WAY back into the caveman era….
    The men probably used to go and take over another tribe…
    Kill the chief and his male offspring and take all his female partners (pretty sure they didn’t have marriages back then),, :0>

    Yeah,,, and i’ve had some dates who would just talk on and on about their ex’s… until I explained how I really didn’t want to talk about that anymore…

    Men are NOT hairy Women!!!

    Totally different wiring
    Viva La Differance´!!!

  65.  #65Azure Blu on February 5, 2016 at 9:59 am

    I listened to Helena Hearts Teleclass last night
    and enjoyed it so much…

    Such great reminders about Making MY life MY focus
    and if I am focused on MY life and my POP (purpose on the Planet)
    Knowing NO ONE can fill *ME* but ME!!!
    Men will naturally be drawn to us..

    This is what I have found to be so true!!
    It becomes much easier to keep ME on the pedestal
    when I know how amazing, bright, beautiful and sexy I am!!
    The man becomes overwhelmed and scared
    when He feels a vibe of
    “He is the only thing that can make me feel fullfilled”

    I know I too, become turned off and uninspired
    when a guy feels needy, has no life, and clings to me like his life is not important!!

  66.  #66IamHis on February 5, 2016 at 10:09 am

    I was talking to a long distance guy friend, who I have always had a crush on, & he told me he was on a date, and I got so triggered and immediately went to assuming rejection.

    So what if he’s on a date? He doesn’t live anywhere near me & he was just honestly sharing what he was up to.

    I don’t want to be the “assuming rejection” girl. I hate when guys get jealous for no real reason.

    It screams, “heyyyy, I’m insecure.”

  67.  #67heroine on February 5, 2016 at 11:13 am

    #57 – Indigo – thank you for sharing your experiences…I appreciate the clarity you have give me…I would feel a little jealous and confused if MessageGuy mentioned another girl to me. Now I totally want to lean forward and fix things…

  68.  #68heroine on February 5, 2016 at 11:35 am

    Azure Blu and Indigo – I’m going to practice not mentioning other men when I am talking to other men this week…
    Sometimes I just mention attractive actor but I do sense a change in the vibe…I guess I need more practice hehe

  69.  #69Indigo on February 5, 2016 at 11:40 am

    Azure Blue,

    Yes. M and I have become really close, and he recently asked me if I considered us serious, but he has never asked me about an ex or previous relationship. He gets quiet and serious if I mention an ex or guy friend so I have stopped doing it. Whereas for me, although it hurts to hear about what happened in the previous relationships, I can handle it.

    Most guys I’ve dated have been the same. They don’t even like watching a movie with me with a guy I think is attractive in it.

  70.  #70Azure Blu on February 5, 2016 at 11:57 am

    Indigo and Heroine,
    me too… I’m going to be more careful…
    There is NO reason for me to mention any guy!!

    What is my reason for doing it?
    If I examine these interactions, when I do mention a guy… It seems like it might be me putting up a brick in my wall to intimacy (although that wall is MUCH shorter than it used to be)
    I want to STOP and think to myself… What is the purpose of this comment?
    and give myself some added LOVE and attention!
    that usually lightens my vibe and i become MORE peaceful!!

    Ok Sirens, I’m doing it today and tomorrow and will report back!

  71.  #71Helena Hart on February 5, 2016 at 12:25 pm

    Azure Blu – 63 – I’m SO glad you enjoyed my Teleclass and that it was helpful for you! I love everything you said here – “It becomes much easier to keep ME on the pedestal when I know how amazing, bright, beautiful and sexy I am!!” – YES!!! 🙂

    Thanks so much for the feedback, I love to hear what specifically resonated with you. The replay is still available for anyone who hasn’t heard it yet.

    Love, Helena

  72.  #72Millie on February 5, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    I am a bucket of insecurity today. And I know i projected some major insecurity when I talked to M. Oh well it is what it is.

  73.  #73Mandy on February 5, 2016 at 10:56 pm

    Millie I am feeling weird today too….I hear ya….Hugs……

  74.  #74Millie on February 6, 2016 at 1:00 am

    Mandy– thank you I feel good being acknowledged!
    Today was a bit of a roller coaster. I really want to do well at my new job and have been struggling in a few tasks. The other girl who is my same position is amazingly competent and quick. I started to feel useless and worthless, afraid I would lose my job, that they would regret having hired me! My coworker could tell I was frustrated and said “It’s no big deal! You’re having an off day and it’s ok! I’ll have off days too! And you are doing really great!” It felt so good and soothing to hear that…and I realized I was putting so much pressure on myself when I could have just laughed and asked for help.

    I got home and felt sad– another night alone, my phone silent, wahh wahh. I tried to focus on doing chores around my place, enjoying cuddling with my comforter, and catching up on shows. Then I heard my neighbors arguing, breaking up!!! Yelling at each other! And it was just what I needed to snap out of feeling sorry for myself. My “problem” isn’t really a problem at all. I spend too much time and energy on choosing not to feel happy. I’m so silly!

    I’ve been doing some reading as well, on the blog and other sites. I know M will be back in town at some point, and I want to be so strong when and if he does. I want to have amazingly strong boundaries. I have been wondering if he does, and invites me out what I would say and do. Then I read this article saying that men often select women who they feel are below their league to have friends with benefits with. That it is a step AWAY (instead of towards as many women will hope to think) from seeing them as a person they could commit to. Reading that made me kind of laugh because most of the time when a man asks me for FWB or just to hook up I see myself as OUT of their league, not below it. In fact, a guy asked me out of the blue today to hook up, I felt really shocked, like how could he even think I would ever say yes? Not in a million years!!! So I kind of think it is the other way around, a man who asks you for FWB is below US, below OUR league! Which makes me think that if M comes back and automatically suggest sex again, that I will tell him I’m not available. I’ll pretend I have a date!! That there are so many men after me, (even if I haven’t met them yet! haha) No more feeling messages, no more sweetness or explaining, just time to reject him simply. I really really really want to be on the same page with this…body, mind, and heart. I am the prize here…

    One more thing..I also think him saying “I’m not an awesome person” reflects not only how he thinks of himself, but how he sees himself acting towards me. He’s asking me not to think he’s awesome anymore…he’s asking me to withdraw my affection. To have stronger boundaries and not tolerate poor “not awesome” treatment.

    Ahhhhh I really would love some new men to show up in my life so I can practice!!! Instead of toiling over this crap day in and day out. And not just men who want FWB who seem to be the only ones showing up. I get it universe!! Point is made! lol

  75.  #75Starla on February 6, 2016 at 8:44 am

    Millie, hugs! I recently remembered how mood-boosting a little workout can be. I put that in my toolbox for when I’m sad or down for whatever reason.

    I love what you say about how you have so many men after you even if you haven’t met them yet. Yes! There are so many great men out in the world who would love to meet you and be with you and treat you right, that you of course don’t have time to be wasting on anyone not in that league.

    Maybe the practice right now IS toiling over this crap day in and day out, as you say. Maybe the universe keeps handing you FWB guys because toiling every day about this stuff is what you need to do to get ready for the next thing. This is yours to process and heal and slather love on.

  76.  #76Azure Blu on February 6, 2016 at 8:49 am

    From Rori’s post – Sept. 2009
    “A man will have exactly the opinion of you that YOU have of you – no matter WHAT you do!

    You can swing from a chandelier and have sex with him all night after meeting him for two minutes – and if YOU value YOU – HE’LL think you’re MAGICAL.”

  77.  #77Azure Blu on February 6, 2016 at 9:34 am

    Last night Spirit and I went out and met up with our group of friends… what a great evening!

    I wanted to practice NOT mentioning ANY guys from my past or present…
    I stopped myself 2 times… I hadn’t realized how often I brought up other men…
    We went into a new shop in town, that sells Amish furniture, VERY cool stuff…not the modern look… more Shipley.
    Spirit asked where they got the pieces from
    and it was an Amish town my ex and i used to have our horse carriages made.. I mentioned this (said it was 30 yrs ago) and we talked about how visiting there feels like going back in time…
    But it was me bringing up about another man…

    I could have waited and gone back on my own and talked to them about it then…
    There was no reason to bring it up in front of Spirit…
    It felt good to talk to the shop owners, who experienced something I had found much pleasure in.
    It felt comforting to talk about something positive in my past (there is SO much negative about that time).

    I was Also practicing sharing more about *MY* feelings during the evening… how turned on i felt when he took a shower with me before we went out (s*x in the shower!!!) Yes, ladies, it still happens at my age!!! :-))
    How happy, and light hearted and sparkly *I* felt going on a date… other things, during the evening…
    I kept thinking about ME, bringing my thoughts and feelings back to *me*
    And it was magical… In the past week or so…I had started putting HIM on a pedestal and he must have been feeling the pressure of that…

    As I brought my thoughts and feelings back to me… concentrating on me … and shared those…
    He relaxed… gave ME more compliments (In the last week he’d stopped doing that)
    was more adoring…
    Mmmmmm… i’m seeing how that works!!
    He *WANTS* me to be centered on “self”… He *WANTS* me to stay focused on ME… That is who he fell in love with!
    I LOVE YOU Azure…
    I am the celestial being, with soft golden, glittery, flowing, gossamer, robes… bright, beautiful and feminine!!!
    My old habit is to start being soft on the inside,
    the closer I get to a man… become an amiba…
    a sponge… acting the way I think *HE* wants me to act… getting into HIS thoughts…

    I’m fairly certain that part of what scared Spirit, the 2 time we became exclusive in the past,
    Was I STOPPED being ME… I became SO needy and slimy… just ouzing all over him…
    EVEN after ALLLLL the work I had been doing with the Rori tools…
    He still felt that I wanted him to be MY world, fill my emptiness, entertain me…
    It PUSHED him away!!!
    he couldn’t see ME anymore.
    The other part was – HE wasn’t ready for an exclusive relationship…
    But that’s all changed! :)))

  78.  #78Beloved on February 6, 2016 at 9:57 am

    I have my PICK of internships this semester, and I feel so thrilled with how far I feel I’ve come since this past summer where I felt so desperate.
    I’m shopping for steel toed boots today and I’ve never felt more like a grown-a$$ woman. I feel hella sexy and confident, I feel more like ME, my real self, than ever before and it feels amazing.

  79.  #79Beloved on February 6, 2016 at 10:09 am

    It feels so interesting to read about mentioning previous lovers and appreciating our differences. I feel very practical in this respect. I don’t want to hear whining, blaming and complaints about exes, or to be compared with an ex either positively or negatively, but other than that, I have zero issues hearing about exes. I feel no need to feel “special” in that regard. I actually feel a little suspicious of feeling good “special”, it feels like being on that pedestal and feels fake and gross to me.

    I actually rather like hearing the good memories of exes, I’ve felt like expanding my compersion skills has been the way to go for me. It’s very easy for me to accept my place. I don’t need to feel like the first or the only, I always think exes are exes for a reason. If that is what he wanted or what worked for him, that’s who he would still be with. I feel appreciation that I am who he is interested in NOW. I love this about me. 🙂

    And I love, love love what everyone shares hear and appreciate our differences!

  80.  #80Indigo on February 6, 2016 at 10:30 am


    It feels so wonderful to hear that you appreciate our differences! I love differences and I love respect for differences even more!

  81.  #81Indigo on February 6, 2016 at 10:43 am

    I have the most adorable boyfriend. He really is a wonderful boyfriend.

    However, no one is perfect. And in a way, I almost dread the moment in a relationship when you see what the other person’s flaw is.

    Today was M’s dad’s 60th birthday party. And I didn’t enjoy it at all. Ok, that’s not true, some of his family were so sweet and nice to talk to, and I tried to take pleasure in those times when M held my hand, or put his hand on my leg, or went to fetch me something to eat or drink. But I really battled to share him, and I really battled with how much his family seemed to want from him. And I battled to see him flitting all over the show and being so much less all over me than he was before. I really battled with what felt like neglect to me. He is too giving and too eager to please his family, and I suspect that this may be his Achilles heel.

    Sirens, do you think you usually can tell a man’s flaw or what the stumbling block in your relationship might be on first meeting him?

    To be clear, I am not looking for advice on my situation. This is more of a “poll” type question.

  82.  #82Millie on February 6, 2016 at 2:20 pm

    Starla–thank you!! I am a little lacking in physical activity lately, maybe I’ll do some yoga and go for a hike this week! You are so right that it will be mood boosting!

    Azure 75– I love how you are so aware and always bringing things back to you!! And shower sex :O!!! So happy and excited for you and all you are experiencing!!

  83.  #83Azure Blu on February 6, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    (((Beloved))) #76
    WOW, Siren!!!
    You sound Like a Super Siren… with those steel toed boots!! All your hard work and hanging in is most certainly paying off!

  84.  #84Azure Blu on February 6, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    Millie #80
    I feel warm and bright reading your post!
    i am soo thrilled also…
    This kind of relationship is Brand Spankin’ New for me!!

  85.  #85Azure Blu on February 6, 2016 at 4:44 pm

    Indigo #79
    My thoughts about seeing someones idiosyncrasies, things about them I’m not to fond of…
    In the beginning… maybe i’ll observe this trait and try it on to see if I can live with it… and watch and see how bad it really is… it’s the beginning after all

    the old me
    saw some of the things I REALLY liked in the beginning were also the things I grew to dislike as time goes by…
    Like, they are laid back and easy going…
    BUT that also means they are NOT motivated when it comes to getting things done… or making more money…

    BUT now… I have been trying to NOT nit pick…
    His personality is MY MIRROR…
    these most likely are things *I* need to fix!!!

    Actually now I focus more and more on ALLLL the WONDERFUL things he does
    and let the other stuff work itself out…
    Or I can talk about the things if they REALLY
    bug me… using the Rori Raye way…
    I love what Dominique talks about…
    Can I Accept him just like he is right now…
    and NEVER changes…

  86.  #86RileyTheOwl on February 7, 2016 at 1:07 am

    Hey lovely sirens!
    I was reminded of you guys yesterday; I had my guy friend stay overnight (non sexual just friends 😛 ) and we were rather drunk, I was playing guitar and singing. He was commenting on my talent, and I’m rather shy and self-concious/u sure of my skill level in music, even though I love it, amd I was kind of fishing for compliments. He then said I DO have a nice voice… “You’re voice is like a siren voice. It’s the kind of soft vulnerable yet alluring voice that makes people want to come closer.” Then he added rather drunkenly, laying o the sofa, sluring: ” like, i could slit my throat right now, amd with you singing like that I’d be okay with it”. Kind of fucked up I know, but a guy jusy called me a siren. Woowee.

  87.  #87Mandy on February 7, 2016 at 4:31 am

    I just told Valentine I was feeling out of touch with him. He said he realized he has been busy and out of touch and gave me an apology.

    I decided to speak up softly and Sireny, saying I’d love a phone call, he said yes, just need a heads up, and we can Skype and I’ll see him soon.

    I realize he’s busy and moving and working, I just hadn’t heard from him, or about his job, or even about where he’d moved in town, and felt out of touch and left out….

    You see, the one thing I have the worst problem with is feeling left out and that’s my own baggage/damage/feeling like that kid at the lunch table all alone with no one to eat lunch with or play with on the playground.

    He thinks he has mentioned to me these things, and says “I thought I told you”, but hasn’t, and this happens frequently.

    I think to myself…No Sir, you don’t tell me much at all about what you’re up to, and I’d love to hear about it, and be included in your life. He tells me all the time about how he misses me and can’t wait to see me again which is great, but I’d love to hear about his happenings as well It is important to me.

    But I just kind of like to know what’s going on…naturally…and I suppose, learning from Love Scripts, this man actually might have a disorder, so I have to tell him point blank what I want.

    I have to ask point blank for phone communication, updates and things like that. He obliges no problem.

    I didn’t think I’d have this problem.

    Kind of a pain in the ass, but I’m willing to work with it as long as it doesn’t cause me too much trouble or turmoil.

    I’d like Siren’s help on this, possibly free coaching.

    I hope I’m not doing anything terribly wrong here.

  88.  #88Starla on February 7, 2016 at 6:20 am

    Mandy, you handled that really well in my opinion! Are you CDing to stop the “laser focus”?

  89.  #89Indigo on February 7, 2016 at 10:32 am

    Sirens, I need to riff out a bit.

    Every time I get into a new relationship, especially, as has been the case recently, when the guy is really into me and is treating me really well – well, around about this time, about the 3 week/one month mark I find something really insignificant to freak out about. Freak out is an exaggeration – it’s not as if I lose my sh*t or scream or fight. But suffice to say I get huffy about something which is SO not a big deal, but in that moment it’s all I can think about, I focus and obsess on this thing (again maybe an exaggeration, but I’m doing this to make my point). I could detail what these little things are but it really doesn’t matter – in one case it was my boyfriend liking a picture of a girl he has no interest in whatsoever and I knew this perfectly well, and him not “liking” any of my pictures; in another case it was my boyfriend being 15 minutes late when he was normally early; and now it is my boyfriend doting on his family which is a quality I actually admire, but I made it about him leaving me out somehow. Now again, I’m exaggerating on here to make my point, in reality I probably made a comment or two to the man in question, but he could tell by the energy attached that I was “not happy”… and who could blame him, it was generally something I had been ruminating on for hours and hours beforehand.

    He, as men do, gets defensive, because it is around about this time that he is feeling most vulnerable… he has exposed his softest underbelly, his most loving, tender side to me, and he is also terrified of getting hurt because he has been hurt before, and so his defences go up momentarily and he wonders if he can make me happy, and wonders whether I am trying to hurt or change him, and his guard goes up.

    My defences are already up because I have already wondered whether this small thing that I have made much of in my mind means he is losing interest or about to become distant or will eventually leave me, or is not the perfect man I thought he was… yes, my mind goes there.

    Now in a way I believe this process is necessary and inevitable, but I also recognise that my defences are throwing up obstacles OBVIOUSLY because I am afraid of being loved. The honest truth is that I am scared of losing the person, and I am afraid of the work that being with someone in a real relationship brings. I am afraid and I know my mind and defence system are creating these little disqualifications to keep the other person at bay. It’s a barrier to intimacy as Azure Blu would say. I am afraid of how much these guys care about me, and afraid that I will not measure up. Most of all I am afraid of the vulnerability of truly opening myself up.

    But I am more scared of losing the guy I am with now. He is GREAT. I don’t want to let any fear or insecurity come between us. I ask him for reassurance, and he gives it to me but he says he battles with this, because to him the fact that he is holding me in his arms, the fact that he wants me with him is enough. And it IS. When he puts his hand on my leg, when he does things for me, of which he does PLENTY, when he tells me how much he cares about me, when he takes the time to send me texts each morning and night and phones me, he is saying loud and clear that he loves me and that he wants to be with me, that I have nothing to fear. That IS enough.

    Anyone have any ideas how to soothe these fears?

  90.  #90Indigo on February 7, 2016 at 10:36 am

    I consider myself a really calm, easygoing, peace-loving and caring person, so I get REALLY frustrated and irritated with myself for not being able to put things into perspective, and for hurting someone I care about, even if only a little.

    And this is a pattern with me, so just having a que sera sera attitude about it will not help. I need a plan!

  91.  #91Beloved on February 7, 2016 at 11:22 am

    Indigo – how do you feel about simply since king into the fear?

  92.  #92Beloved on February 7, 2016 at 11:25 am


  93.  #93Dixie on February 7, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    Indigo – 86.

    I understand this very well:

    ” I also recognise that my defences are throwing up obstacles OBVIOUSLY because I am afraid of being loved. The honest truth is that I am scared of losing the person, and I am afraid of the work that being with someone in a real relationship brings. I am afraid and I know my mind and defence system are creating these little disqualifications to keep the other person at bay. It’s a barrier to intimacy as Azure Blu would say. I am afraid of how much these guys care about me, and afraid that I will not measure up. Most of all I am afraid of the vulnerability of truly opening myself up.”

    Indigo, I was struggling with these same feelings of late, and it almost feels like I am subconsciously looking for reasons why unconditional love will not work for me, that I am secretly sabotaging good experiences by allowing my self-doubts and self-criticisms to wheedle their way in. Then the anxiety sets in, that definitely I’m not good enough, probably this won’t last, most certainly he’ll find someone better. And I imagine that can be confusing for the other party!

    Today I picked up a book on a friends recommendation, that deals with how I approach life in general. It’s called “The Big Leap” by Gay Hendricks and it talks about our self-imposed limitations in work, life and relationships, and how to overcome them.

    I don’t know about you, but for me, the closer I get to something my heart really desires, the more scared I get that it actually will come true – what if it doesn’t work out, what if involves too much work, what if I fail, what if, what if, what if!

    I really am tired of the little voices but for me, the only thing I can do is try to separate fact from fiction, and remember that these fears are just feelings. And that my feelings can change based on my own thoughts and beliefs. If I continue to believe and think that I am unworthy, (and for me, these are deep-seated feelings of doubt) then I’m going to feel that way, and project that onto others. It’s definitely a conscious effort for sure, years of undoing, but it is helping me quite a bit.

  94.  #94Dixie on February 7, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    For example, after two weeks of physical and emotional closeness with D., my defenses went up on Friday. All the “What Ifs” in the world gathered at my door and started banging!

    No amount of reassurance I’m sure would have assuaged me, so I just leant back, focused on myself. I definitely was feeling antsy. Today when we spoke, I was definitely in my “headspace” and although he was normal by all accounts, he was also in his “headspace” and it felt less like a lover, more like a colleague! Then I responded emotionally in a positive manner to something he said, and within an instant, his tone shifted, he opened up, and he was his big old teddy bear self. It felt so easy for me to see that I had been projecting my anxiety onto him. And all he wants really is to make me feel good.

  95.  #95Tereana on February 7, 2016 at 7:30 pm

    I feel like I might be “taking” a lot on this blog by disappearing for so long, and then coming back to look for all kinds of feedback. But trust me, I am reading a lot of your posts, and getting a lot out of them. And I could use your feedback on something else.

    So the man out of state. We’ve talked about “not being serious.” And that’s fine for me. Because even though I do want a meaningful relationship long-term, I don’t know if that’s right for me at the moment.

    Anyway, we’ve been talking a lot more about him coming to see me. He really wants to see me and he “doesn’t want to wait.” Trouble is, he’s in the military. He can’t just up and take a trip. He has to request the time off, even for a weekend. He’s been trying to plan the trip 18 ways from Sunday, and it feels impossible to him. So what he’s been asking is for me to go see him first.

    I told him no. I told him why, and he gets it. But this weekend, he’s been asking me again. I’ve been saying again why it doesn’t feel quite right to me. But on the other hand, I live in a cold city, he lives in a warm one. Wouldn’t it make sense to go there in the winter? Am I just being a stick-in-the-mud? Am I being unnecessarily stubborn?

    And if the guy is really wanting to have me there to see him, and he’s willing to pay for it, and it’s his idea, then isn’t he still “driving”?

    So that’s what I told him – that the only way I’d be able to go down there is if he paid for the trip. Honestly, I want him to come here. But if I stick with that, then he has to wait months to see me. And he doesn’t want to wait.

    I made him hold off one night on buying the plane ticket so I could think about it.

    What do you Sirens think? I feel tired and I’ve been processing a lot of information.

    What’s the “sireniest” thing to do here?…

  96.  #96Indigo on February 7, 2016 at 7:58 pm

    Beloved 88,

    I certainly do try, but the feelings are very overwhelming and scary in the moment. I think it’s going to be a case of feeling them and unravelling them little by little. These go way back to my childhood.

  97.  #97Indigo on February 7, 2016 at 8:05 pm


    Yes yes yes! To everything that you’ve said!

    My feelings can and do change, more radically than I even realise in the moment! Luckily with experience I am more able to recognise a trigger episode for what it is – for example, I was extremely tired this past weekend. And there was some anxiety and being peopled out thrown in there too. M also was exhausted and stressed from work. Neither of us were our best selves and we had to cope with quite tall requirements from family from Friday night all the way through to Saturday night. Honestly it felt like too much for me – but I didn’t feel like I could tell him that. I felt I wanted to be there for him. Friends of mine went to a food market on Friday night and invited me to come, I would have far preferred to join them and meet up with M mid morning on Saturday, rather than having to wait for his dad for 2 hours at the airport and coping with everything on Friday night at his place – and feeling pressured to be up and at ’em on Saturday morning. It is hardly surprising that my fears and triggers took the opportunity to jump on the bandwagon, it is always 100 times more likely when I am tired and overwhelmed, and this is a lesson to me.

  98.  #98Millie on February 7, 2016 at 10:04 pm


    I have a couple questions..
    I feel curious why you feel that a meaningful relationship may not be right for you in the moment?
    What inspired that decision?
    What does a “not serious” arrangement with a man look like to you?
    Clearly you want to practice your siren skills on this man–even though he may not be someone you would consider for a mate, which is great!! But, I feel confused because it does seem like you want him to be the masculine role and come to you.
    But I noticed that you said “He doesn’t want to wait” and “it feels impossible to him” to take the weekend off. So, you going to him, even if he pays for it, is making it easy for him and showing that you will accommodate him. But, it’s also confusing… do you care more about yourself or him? What do you want? If he has to wait, so what! You are worth waiting for! And I wonder also, for you, in a “not serious” arrangement, do you picture it as you doing what you want–even if that is going to him and just not caring about the outcome? Right now it seems like you do care…and maybe if you truly DIDNT care, you wouldn’t feel urgency on whether he had to wait or whether things were hard for him. You would say, “Well I’m living my life and if he wants to see me he will make it happen!”
    I’m just bouncing some ideas off you…what do you think? I’d love to hear your ideas!

  99.  #99Millie on February 7, 2016 at 11:12 pm

    Tereana– I just wanted to add one more thing,
    Following your feelings can never be wrong. You are not a “stick in the mud” if following your feelings leads you to a decision he doesn’t like. A good man will respect a woman who follows her feelings, at least I would like to believe so! Whether your feelings are-Yes! I would love to go visit you! or -No, I cannot come this time, but feel excited to see you soon and am looking forward to your visit as we planned- neither can be wrong as long as it is true to how you feel!

  100.  #100Millie on February 7, 2016 at 11:28 pm

    I listened to Helena Hart’s teleclass yesterday and found it amazing!! A lot of the content wasn’t new to me, but I loved how it was laid out in steps and women with personal success stories were interjected. The one thing that stood out to me the most is that she said when you shed all of your bad habits- leaning forward, pining, chasing, longing, feeling bad about what you don’t have, focusing on one man as the key to your happiness- when you let all of those mentalities and habits go- there is just YOU. And it may feel EMPTY and weird! But that is the EXACT place you need to be!! I love that because I have been feeling that exactly. That letting go of a lot of my negative thoughts and behaviors DOES make me feel oddly empty and kind of nothingness. What would I be without those negative habits? I would just be me!!! So, now I know that when I do feel that emptiness, like I just exist, it is a good thing!!! Not a bad emptiness, like a lack, but rather a calm, content, not needing anything, not needing to do anything, or THINK anything kind of feeling.

    I feel so aware of all my negative beliefs of myself now. How much my mind goes there in one day…A LOT!

    Today I went skiing, and every time I felt scared, daunted, or anxious about a steep hill, I decided to change my thoughts. As I scaled the mountain I told myself I can achieve anything, that I am amazing and rise to any challenge, that I can conquer this, that I feel the cold air on my face, the wind as I gain speed, and I am unstoppable. I am worthy, I am strong, I am divine. And I did it! I used it as mediation and I didn’t fall. I smiled the whole time. I caught myself when my thoughts went somewhere negative and quickly said something positive to refute it. I let my stranger sit with me and told her she wasn’t in charge.

    One bad pattern I have is rejecting myself. When I’m talking to a man who I don’t truly feel desired by, I reject myself, and speak from that place in hopes he will refute it. Of course they don’t because it’s not their job. They aren’t even aware I’m doing it, they just don’t want it. I push me away…and them away.
    No more.

    M is not the only man on this Earth who can offer me sexual satisfaction.
    He is not the only man capable of giving to me.
    He does not hold the key to my happiness.
    He cannot reject me.
    He cannot place a value on me.

  101.  #101Azure Blu on February 8, 2016 at 5:46 am

    Indigo #86
    Ohhh… my…
    I totally understand what you are sharing here…

    I have always done this… to established relationships and new ones…. Nit pick (which is a form of disrespect) to keep from getting too emotionally intimate with a man
    I was going thru that with Spirit this summer…
    One date in particular… partially because I was tired…
    and I’d been drinking…
    it was all MY OWN Demons…
    My issues about money
    My issues about asking for what I “REALLY” want in a non threatening way
    My issues about feeling unworthy!!

    We weren’t exclusive at this time…That night Spirit and I were out with friends and I shared with my girl friend about Spirit won’t buy a dinner… only wants ONE appetizer…
    she said
    “Azure, just order a salad or whatever you want. He’ll pay for it… and if he doesn’t YOU can pay for it!!!!
    Did he say he wouldn’t?”
    and actually he had said “Do you want a salad!!!”
    See what my mind does!!????
    and soooo I let it go… I Still didn’t order anything else.
    and still at the end of the night I brought up about
    our extreme differences of religion… how can we ever work this out???
    He discussed it with me a little while and then said
    “I can’t talk about this anymore.”
    I was able to say “Ok” and stop!!! That was HUGE!!

    I thought about this after it happened…
    I realized it’s what I do to build my safety wall
    against emotional intimacy…

    What has helped me to stop this nit picking, focusing in on things that are NOT deal breakers…
    Is ME loving my pickyness… she is there to protect me…
    I LOVE All of ME… It is simple…
    It is me continually and forever, loving *ME*
    It takes the FEAR away…
    I’m less and less afraid of what will happen if
    Spirit and I don’t work out…
    BECAUSE I KNOW… I will ALWAYS be here for ME!!!
    the stronger I am on the inside… the softer and more open I am becoming on the outside.

  102.  #102Tereana on February 8, 2016 at 5:52 am

    Hi Millie –
    Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate your thoughts and your questions. And it really resonated with me.
    In fact, just after I had posted, and while I lay in bed, trying to sleep, I felt with a lot of clarity that it still didn’t feel right if I went to see him first. Even if he paid for everything. It would mean me having to compromise on something that meant a lot for me, and I know that’s not something I would ever bounce back from.

    I called him this morning to tell him just about exactly that. And he said he didn’t want me to do anything I didn’t really want to do, and he thanked me for telling him.

    We were both on our way to work, so it wasn’t a long conversation. But I feel lighter and freer having expressed that. I was glad I told him to hold off buying the plane ticket for me. Even though there is a 24-hour cancellation, I just wasn’t sure. Now I feel sure and I feel better. Clear, open, honest communication. I’m not worried about how or if he is judging me. I’m comfortable with this choice and how it makes me feel.

    And we’ll go from here…

  103.  #103Azure Blu on February 8, 2016 at 6:05 am

    one more thought…
    You are a very sensitive Siren… Don’t
    Ignoring Indigo… Don’t ignore her needs and wishes
    she will feel unloved and neglected

    This is a new relationship with you and M…
    before Bush boy
    I am remembering your last close relationship…
    you started seeing each other A LOT
    and you were realizing that you needed more time apart…
    It does get to be clostraphobic when there isn’t enough time between dates…
    ESPECIALLY in the beginning…
    I know you have said that YOU need quite a bit of space…
    It is up to US to pace the relationship…
    They will want you more… Men who like us always want to go fast in the beginning…
    If it’s only been one month…
    seeing each other 2 times a week is still quite a bit…
    How would it feel to Slow Down and ENJOY the courtship…?
    Give each other time to regroup between dates…?
    Does it feel like too much pressure to expect each other to get along when you go too quickly…?

    Why put so much pressure on something that should be fun and easy right now!!?

    How would it feel to plan your week…
    and say NO to seeing each other more than once or twice…

    If we Listen carefully to our bodies and our hearts we will know what pace is best for us…
    Hugggsss… and love!

  104.  #104IamHis on February 8, 2016 at 6:23 am

    Writing this to remember it & also for feedback & to see if anyone else relates.

    I have to admit this to myself: closeness terrifies me more than any amount of distance.

    Physical closeness. When I feel him standing above and around me…when I can literally feel him wanting me to want him…terror.

    Emotional closeness: when he saw me when I was only 19, that I was “spoiled,” & I knew it was true.

    At 19, when he noticed how much sugar I was eating…

    I keep thinking about a man’s timing; he wanted me at that moment, but I felt scared.

    I wanted him in a different moment, but he felt threatened & scared.

    Can anyone relate to this?

  105.  #105IamHis on February 8, 2016 at 6:32 am

    Three times with three different guys…they are thrilled at finally figuring out that I share the same feelings AND I feel total panic:

    “WHY is this man so excited?”
    “WHAT does he expect from me?”
    “HOW do I respond now? I’ve wanted & waited for him for so long, & now that he’s figured that out, all I want to do is run away & hide?”

    A month or two goes by, I’m scared and he stops “rowing the relationship boat” with me, & seems to effortlessly pick up the “relationship oars” with another woman, while still not hiding his feelings for me, which makes me feel even more scared and angry…

    This Has Only happened about 3 times in my lifetime, so finally zeroing in on the problem feels like a relief, but a really depressing, if-only-I’d-seen-this-sooner, relief.

  106.  #106IamHis on February 8, 2016 at 6:36 am

    Mutual physical attraction happens all the time. It’s not about that. It’s about when a guy slowly gets to know the person inside.

    Will he believe what I’ve been through and why I’ve been through it?

    Will he stick around and try to understand?

  107.  #107Indigo on February 8, 2016 at 7:36 am

    Azure Blu 100,

    Wow, this is a big part of it.

    I realise that so much of the reason I got triggered over the weekend was because I was ignoring my very real need for rest and time – time for my own errands, time with my friends, time in my own home, time apart, time to do nothing even.

    You are so very very very right about this, thank you.

    I had moved the weekend before, had a full week of work in between, and was worn out by trying to figure out what was happening with university, which I started this week. It’s really crazy when I think of how much I had on my plate. All I really wanted was to go with my friends to that food market on Friday night, and then come home and have a good sleep in my own bed. I was so cranky sitting in the car at the airport waiting for M’s dad’s plane to land I can hardly describe it to you. Is it any wonder I was reaching for him for reassurance.

    Even if all this had not been going on in my life, I still am yes expecting too much of myself and him, and too much of a new relationship. I in any event need more time to myself.

    What you’ve said here Azure Blu:

    “you were realizing that you needed more time apart…
    It does get to be clostraphobic when there isn’t enough time between dates…
    ESPECIALLY in the beginning…
    I know you have said that YOU need quite a bit of space…
    It is up to US to pace the relationship…
    They will want you more… Men who like us always want to go fast in the beginning…
    If it’s only been one month…
    seeing each other 2 times a week is still quite a bit…
    How would it feel to Slow Down and ENJOY the courtship…?
    Give each other time to regroup between dates…?
    Does it feel like too much pressure to expect each other to get along when you go too quickly…?

    Why put so much pressure on something that should be fun and easy right now!!?

    How would it feel to plan your week…
    and say NO to seeing each other more than once or twice…

    If we Listen carefully to our bodies and our hearts we will know what pace is best for us…”

    feels so amazing. This is so true, Azure Blu. Thank you so much for taking the time to point this out to me. It is absolutely what my own soul was saying to me deep down, and I allowed that voice to get overridden by a sense of “duty” to M and his family, and also by a sense of insecurity and fear of feeling left out and “longing” and “ignored” or whatever if I passed up the opportunity to see him, or if I didn’t see him in close consecutive times of one another.

    Thank you for reminding me of what you have, Azure Blu. Why the urgency. Why not take it slow. Why not savour the courtship a bit more and pace a bit more, and give other things in my life the priority they deserve, especially my own rest and relaxation. I have 365 days a year for the rest of my life. There is no hurry.

  108.  #108Indigo on February 8, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Yes, planning my week! That would be wonderful!

  109.  #109Femininewoman on February 8, 2016 at 8:23 am

    I enjoyed reading the book The Big Leap

  110.  #110Azure Blu on February 8, 2016 at 10:03 am

    Ohhh… lovely Siren…
    I’m so happy you found some things that were helpful in my post! :0}

    Ahhh… yes… that since of “obligation” to someone…
    I usually recent it afterwards…
    I remember when RM (the guy I was seeing at the same time as Spirit) would push for MORE time with me…
    I realized I needed to take CARE of ME and my stuff…
    and I started reassuring him that I am a much better date when I’ve taken care of my work and projects!

    Men Love it when we have strong boundaries… less available – that’s when the magic happens!
    AND the up side is we are listening to our own VOICE and becoming even more of a Siren by being
    strong on the inside so we CAN be
    soft on the outside!!

  111.  #111Azure Blu on February 8, 2016 at 10:06 am

    MOVING AND University classes!!
    Crazy stressful… time for a massage,
    warm bath, candles, soft music and slathering yourself with warm self LOVE!!!

  112.  #112EarthEyes on February 8, 2016 at 10:14 am

    Hi Ladies,
    Would someone please clarify for me:
    When are we allowed to tell men what would feel good to us?
    When it occurs to me can I share how something does/would feel or do I say nothing and have to wait for him to ask me what I want for me to express what would feel good?

    I also get the impression from some of the exercises with clients in Rori’s videos that regarding talking, conversation and being in your feminine you don’t speak to a man unless he speaks to you first.
    What’s the deal with this?
    Does this mean if I’m on a date with a man I can’t speak unless spoken to? Or unless he asks me a question specifically?

    Would love to hear some input.

  113.  #113Helena Hart on February 8, 2016 at 10:22 am

    Millie – 97 – Thank you so much for the feedback, I’m so happy to hear you enjoyed my teleclass and that it was helpful for you! Absolutely, when you take away all the things that are blocking love from coming towards you – pining, chasing, longing, or old defenses that are no longer working for you – it may feel strange at first if you’re used to always feeling the need to “do” something.

    I love everything you said here. You want to be as close to YOU (your true authentic self) as you possibly can – that’s what allows the right man for you to truly see you and instinctively know that you’re the one for him. I’ve found that it’s also helpful to practice this even when there are no men in sight in order to help “build that muscle” and feel more comfortable shining your light onto the world.

    Love, Helena

  114.  #114Indigo on February 8, 2016 at 10:32 am

    Azure Blu 107,

    I love everything you’ve said here. That voice inside which tells me where my boundaries should be and what my needs are is there, but it spent so many years of my childhood being silenced under the veil of politeness and the pressure to please. And the fear of the repercussions (both my parents had volatile tempers). So, that conditioning has taken years of gentle perseverance to undo, and the voice is a lot bolder now, I can hear her… but I do still get tripped up sometimes. Especially when my reserves are low, when I’m tired, stressed out, overworked, too much socialising or too many things that I need to sort out at once… these are the times I’m vulnerable to doing something which isn’t good for me, and then being triggered afterwards.

    And yes, when I act out of that sense of obligation I do resent it and the other person, even if I don’t realise it right away! I’m putting off their “negative” reaction, but not realising that the cost of not saying no is much higher down the line!

    It’s a lesson to me about listening to that wonderful, wise, soft clear voice inside when she first speaks, and not shushing her. Listening to what she says needs to happen regardless of what other people think.

    And yes, yes to slathering myself with love. Yes to doing something loving and caring for myself. M phoned me this evening and I was able to take delight in speaking to him and also in saying goodbye from a soft place.

  115.  #115Tereana on February 8, 2016 at 10:47 am

    Of course, the day I call to tell him that I won’t go to [his warm state], we have a blizzard. Lol

    And I’m thinking, “am I an idiot for refusing such a fantastic offer??”

    But on the other hand: no. I have my self-respect. I realized that I wasn’t totally ok with going south to see him. I was considering saying yes only because of how much *he* wanted it. And how much logic he had, regardless of the fact that I was trusting my heart more. And I’m glad I did.

    He did want me to say yes. But he only wanted me to say yes if it was something I really wanted to do.

    So what if I don’t get a free vacation? What would that even be worth? It’s worth nothing if he doesn’t come to see me first.

    Now whatever happens next, it’s up to him….

  116.  #116BeLoved on February 8, 2016 at 12:43 pm

    I feel so grateful and in awe.
    TG just told me the deal he is working to sell the house that will pretty much leave everything intact and my other roomie and I will be able to stay. I will simply say, if I ever had any doubts that this man loves and cares for the other roomie and me, they are gone. He isn’t just doing this for him, he’s really working the angles and making a sacrifice. I feel wowed. I feel choked up.
    I feel so grateful for the tools I’ve learned here to help me navigate living with him.

    What’s happening is an incredible gift, and I feel so humbled to receive this.


  117.  #117Mandy on February 8, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    Sirens, help.

    I am having the hardest time…J decided to share with me he got stood up for a date twice and I totally lost it and told him to go away.

    Then there’s Valentine. I had a session with Sami, we determined I am feeling left out, and we decided he needs to know what he needs to do to have me, so we made a script. The fear is still there, the fear of his reaction, even though I have gone through the script a few times with Sami, but there’s also the strength of the awful emotion I feel, the part of me that needs to take care of me, that is possible to overpower the fear.

    I’m still going through lots of turmoil and feeling many different mixed emotions…anger, fear, frustration, confusion, and a lot of worry and concern.

    But I should mention, the face-to-face video chat was amazing, my first and it helped a lot to see Sami, and to have her see my body language as I practiced my script, etc.

    This stuff is NOT easy, but it’s worth it.

    So I feel very, very, very….overwhelmed. I cried to G this morning. I talked to my mom. I talked to my girlfriend.

    Now all I wanna do is be by myself even though I wish I could be with someone who’d make me smile…being by myself right now seems more safe than being around someone who is going to influence my emotional state negatively…

    I feel myself closing down in a way…not hardening or numbing but huddling under an emotional coat from the cold wind. Telling myself I want to hide away in a castle…and yet I know I’m lying to myself.

    I thought my hard part of all this was done but it’s not.

    Can’t catch a break it seems.

  118.  #118Azure Blu on February 8, 2016 at 2:34 pm

    Indigo #110
    Ahhh… wise Siren…

    I love this: “It’s a lesson to me about listening to that wonderful, wise,
    soft clear voice
    inside when she first speaks,
    and not shushing her.”
    Yes, for me too… I keep practicing listening to her…
    and not ignoring her…
    So many years of being afraid of what the other person might say if I ask for what I want…
    BUT i am learning it is a wonderful way to bring MORE closeness NOT LESS..
    The other person learns MORE about ME and we get to have an authentic interaction
    Me being authentic and vulnerable…
    I can do it… I can do it… I can do it…
    YAY US indigo!! oxoxo

  119.  #119Azure Blu on February 8, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Ohhh… so good to hear you had a session with Sami…
    She is GREAT!!

    I feel sad that you are wanting to hide…
    for me learning to tolerate alone time and listening to my heart is sometimes good..
    I want to encourage you….
    I will share my experience with asking for what I want…
    I spent several months coaching with Natalina last year and she helped me develop a script to ask Spirit for the relationship I wanted… (this was when he was being the rubber band man… flaky —in and out of my life)
    the amount of together time I wanted, the amount of texting and talking on the phone I would feel good with…
    I was SOOO fearful of giving the script…
    I was NOT used to asking for what I need and want
    Always worried about the other persons feelings
    NOT MINE!!!
    Several months went by and I finally got tired of him pulling back, ignoring for days, being his flaky self… BUT him always wanting to be exclusive…
    so I shared the script with him…
    “For me a good relaionship would be one where we talk on the phone 3-4 times a week, text everyday, see each other several times a week and spend the night at least once a week” I asked him what his thoughts were…
    He said he thought it would be a good thing to talk about
    and then he disappeared for 2 months…!!!!
    I was heart broken, dumb founded, devastated!!!
    I text and ask what happened… called and left messages… NOTHING…
    and then I just tried to move on…
    Long story short… he came back and we started seeing each other again and after much changing on HIS and MY part…
    he slowly started giving me**** ALL of the things I had asked for in my script!!!****
    And now it’s magical!!!

    I guess the reminder is…. Be ready for a no, But be surprised… who ever knows how long things may take!

  120.  #120Mandy on February 8, 2016 at 4:17 pm

    Azure…..jeez….that sounds EXACTLY like what’s going on here, I mean, it sounds so familiar it’s scary.

    Okay! Looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me.

    Dear Azure…if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to talk to you more on here as I go about your relationship with Spirit. I know our situations are not the same but maybe there might be some light shed in the issues I’m facing with rubber-band-man stuff.

    I knew I had one because I don’t think Valentine thinks he deserves me. He likes to brag, and I don’t really get a charge out of it, and he also has displayed low-value behavior in the past, so he could very easily believe he doesn’t deserve a lovely woman like me, I wouldn’t doubt it.

    Whatever the case, here’s to being brave, when you have fear, and knowing it will all work out in some way eventually.

    The Universe provides, and maybe this is a lesson to master before I can move on to the next thing, whether with him or with someone else or just in me.

    A lot of times in your head it seems to act out worse than in real life, lol. Anxiety can really warp your brain.

  121.  #121Mandy on February 8, 2016 at 4:37 pm

    PS – I am so grateful for the Sirens here, Rori, Dominique and Sami and the rest….

    Don’t know what I’d do without this knowledge. I remember when I thought it was all that media made it out to be and nothing ever worked correctly, because I didn’t fall in with a man’s plan for his life or because I had an inferiority complex of sorts.

    I know as well as I know about that part of me, about the other part of me who is like an amazing super hero and has climbed to the top of many a very steep mountain.

    I will get over this, it will hurt but I’ll do it…

  122.  #122Millie on February 8, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    Azure– wow!! I am constantly amazed at your story, process, and how Spirit turned around. If I told a man the relationship I wanted and then he disappeared… I would totally assume it would be possible to create it with him!!! But he came back and is capable of giving you what you want now!! That is sooooo f- ing amazing!!!! Your story gives me hope that ANY situation can turn around! That anything is possible!!! That we are all capable of being surprised and surprising ourselves!! I want to cry with joy at the idea of turning ME around.

  123.  #123Mandy on February 8, 2016 at 4:49 pm

    Millie, I feel the same…way to go Azure 🙂

  124.  #124Millie on February 8, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Helena– looking back I see so so so many mistakes with M that I made. I don’t want to beat myself up, but I totally understand why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I went from out of his league to seeing him as the prize. Hopefully I can turn this around!

  125.  #125Tereana on February 8, 2016 at 5:24 pm

    Mandy – I knlw it’s not good, how you feel right now. But from what I’m hearing, it sounds like you are doing great! Wanting to be alone sometimes is not a bad thing. Maybe it would be counterproductive to ONLY want to be alone. But wearing to “hole up” for a while can be just what we need at times. We all go through periods where that makes sense. It’s ok to follow THAT feeling as much as any other.

    Don’t but into the message that says we need to be all social all the time. That is a lie. We need our alone time to get in touch with ourselves. You can think of it as special and sacred. It is time for YOU to be and become who YOU are, without input from other sources.

    Then, when you are ready to go back out there, you will, and you will feel more relaxed and at ease. Don’t let FOMO get you. There is nothing wrong with you.

    You are listening to yourself : )

  126.  #126Tereana on February 8, 2016 at 5:25 pm

    *wanting to hole up

    And *don’t buy into


  127.  #127Tereana on February 8, 2016 at 5:37 pm

    No word from my man in his warm state. I want to talk to him more, but also I am verrryyy tired. I was up half the night last night, not sleeping at all. Plus, I am watching to see what he does. I wasn’t specific. I didn’t ask him to call me tonight. I only said “talk to you later.” I am wondering if he will talk to me at all, now that I’ve said (again) that I won’t come down to visit him.

    He is a good man. I believe that.

    He is young – much younger than I am. But accomplished for his age. He is training to be a pilot in the Navy. That’s why he has so many restrictions, plus demands on his time. He says these next few months are the most intense for him.

    The thing is, he could have requested leave a few weeks ago. We had even discussed the weekend that would work best for us. And he says it is unlikely they would Grant his request. He’s betting on a no. But what if they said yes? Then he would have to come see me. Maybe that’s too much pressure for him (I’m speculating). Maybe that’s why he wanted me to come there.

    In any case, he wanted me to come there, to make it easy for him. I am just uncomfortable doing that. It feels icky. Plus, I feel like I want him to come toward me first. That just makes sense to me. That makes sense, given that that’s what he said he wanted to do. It doesn’t matter of this is “serious” or not. The same principles apply.

    And Millie, yes, I am definitely practicing my siren tools on him. It feels nice : )

  128.  #128Azure Blu on February 8, 2016 at 5:53 pm

    Mandy… & Millie
    I feel happy that my story resonated with you… I am blushing from your lovely praises!!
    certainly ask any question you would like about my 2yr-up to now… journey with Spirit…

    I must let you Sirens know…
    I let Spirit back into my life the second time…
    #1 because I have SO much Chemistry with him…
    I think he is THE most handsome man on the planet
    and we have so much fun together…

    i wanted to PRACTICE ALL my Rori tools
    with a man that I felt this much attraction for…
    When he came back… our first night together..
    we woke up in the morning and i had to kick him out cause I had a date with another CD…
    Of course he was upset but I said “Spirit you only like me when I’m dating other guys… I wonder why that is?”
    he said: “I don’t know, when you find out can you let me know?”

    and it went on from there… me keeping my heart a warm, open invitation when we were together… NOT being available all the time… My Degree of Difficulty was climbing
    as I began to LOVE ME MORE!!!
    being receptive to ALL he does give – emotionally and financially… showing my appreciation of his masculinity (that;s magic to men) and letting him lead!

  129.  #129Helena Hart on February 8, 2016 at 5:58 pm

    Millie – 120 – You can ABSOLUTELY turn it around!! Before I learned these tools, I was the queen of putting a man on a pedestal (even if the dynamic didn’t start out that way) and trying to prove myself to him – so if I could turn that pattern around, I believe anyone can! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  130.  #130Millie on February 8, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    Thank you Helena!!!

    Azure– I feel confident I change turn my attitude around, but there’s a part of me that’s not sure how to handle things if/when he does show up again. And when I say handle things, I mean…is there any reason to be open to him anymore?

  131.  #131Millie on February 8, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Helena- I actually have a question. In your teleclass, you said that when a man leads you respond with how it feels, yes or no and show appreciation of its yes! If a man offers something that does not feel good, how can we respond in a way that says no, but does not come across as cold or having an agenda? How can we word “no” in a way that inspires him rather than making him feel bad, without suggestion anything or trying to point him in a diff route? Can you give an example of how to say no in a inspiring way?

  132.  #132EarthEyes on February 8, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    Hi Ladies,
    Would someone please clarify for me:
    When are we allowed to tell men what would feel good to us?
    When it occurs to me can I share how something does/would feel or do I say nothing and have to wait for him to ask me what I want for me to express what would feel good?

    I also get the impression from some of the exercises with clients in Rori’s videos that regarding talking, conversation and being in your feminine you don’t speak to a man unless he speaks to you first.
    What’s the deal with this?
    Does this mean if I’m on a date with a man I can’t speak unless spoken to? Or unless he asks me a question specifically?

    Would love to hear some input.

    p.s #128 Millie- awesome question! I’d like to hear an answer for that too

  133.  #133Helena Hart on February 8, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    Millie – Great question!!! Do you have something specific in mind that you want to say “no” to? If you give me an example I can try to script it for you here.

    Love, Helena

  134.  #134Mandy on February 8, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    So many feelings floating through me tonight. I feel like coming back here again and again and riffing. I feel quite….energetic….

  135.  #135Millie on February 8, 2016 at 8:53 pm

    Helena– Well, let’s say a man who I have a history with, and have feelings for, asks me to go to a party with him. He’s made it clear that he’s only looking for something casual and “no strings attached” with me. I don’t want to sleep with him, but I do want to go with him. (Yet part of me thinks I shouldn’t go at all because why spend any time with someone who isn’t looking for the same things as me? And would I really be going in hopes he would change his mind..) How do I say No, when part of me is still saying yes?

  136.  #136Helena Hart on February 8, 2016 at 9:15 pm

    Millie – Interesting! I was in that same position many years ago so I can definitely relate. Here’s a version of what I said (I don’t know the details of your exact situation so you may need to tweak this a little):

    “Thank you for the invite. Even though it sounds fun and part of me would like to go, right now I’m looking for more than a casual ‘no strings attached’ relationship, so it would feel too difficult for me to go to the party with you right now…”

    If part of you would be going in hopes to change his mind, I’d recommend saying something like this.

    When I was in that position, I remember it feeling really good to stick with my boundaries, despite the strong feelings I had for the man who didn’t want a real relationship. Of course, this made him feel more attracted to me because he knew I wouldn’t just take him “however I could get him” anymore – but ultimately I knew we wanted different things deep down and I didn’t want to put myself through that heartbreak over and over again. Hope this helps!

    Love, Helena

  137.  #137Millie on February 8, 2016 at 10:39 pm

    Helena- thank you! Yes I agree that sounds perfect! He already knows I don’t want that kind of relationship but sticking to my boundaries is key!

  138.  #138Indigo on February 8, 2016 at 11:36 pm


    I can definitely second what Helena is saying. I was in sort of this situation with Bush Boy. Where he knew from the start that he would probably be moving, and he sort of shared this with me. And then when he did finally move he said that he didn’t want to try and have a distance relationship. And because I liked him so much I started accepting all his invitations to spend time with me, even though I knew this wouldn’t turn into a relationship. In the back of my mind though, I was hoping we would become attached to each other and that this would in time become some kind of a commitment. What happened in practice was that he didn’t respect my time because it was all at his convenience. He didn’t have to earn a place in my life because I didn’t put any boundaries on when I would see him, and under what circumstances. Moreover, my oxytocin kicked in and bonded me to him because we slept together, which made it close to impossible for me to behave with restraint and lean back and be cool, calm and collected, which would have been the desired response.

    It is so, so much better to spend time with a man, and especially be physical or have sex with him, when you are 100% in control of yourself. Being too accommodating doesn’t work.

    I notice the difference now, where I held out with M until I had a certain level of security and certain things were in place in the relationship. The difference in how I feel and how I am treated are like night and day.

  139.  #139Sami Wunder on February 9, 2016 at 12:28 am

    #113 Mandy, you CAN do this.

    I know, I believe that deep inside you know too. I am looking at this entire experience for you as a kind of “blossoming” from the old to the new… even if its painful, the caterpillar is growing into a butterfly…

    Beyond your fear, lies your jackpot. Go grab it girl. No matter what he says or does, YOU WILL BE OKAY! You got you and you will never leave yourself alone! And that’s your biggest resource. Love, Sami

  140.  #140Sami Wunder on February 9, 2016 at 12:29 am

    Oh and Mandy, so so glad that the session felt helpful. Love, Sami

  141.  #141Indigo on February 9, 2016 at 1:54 am

    I wanted to just write a note about snooping.

    My wonderful boyfriend, after we had been dating for a week or two, said he wanted to add my fingerprint to the authorisation on his phone (his phone has one of those biometric unlock things where it will only unlock if you place your fingerprint on the main key and if your fingerprint matches the one it has) so that I could get into his phone if I ever needed to use it. He is diabetic and there is a small chance of him having an incident where I suppose it would be useful for me to be able to contact his doctor or parents.

    I didn’t ever ask him for this, hint about it, or even bring it up in any way, shape or form, it came entirely from him, and he said he was an open book and had no problem with me being on his phone or computer.

    I must say that in the past, the desire to snoop has been a pretty strong temptation for me. But with M I haven’t felt the remotest desire to look on his phone or computer, and I rarely look at his Facebook page either. The reason is fairly obviously his openness with me, which is so immensely reassuring. Snooping is never a good idea, but if you feel the urge to snoop you have to ask yourself why. With previous boyfriends where I’ve wanted to snoop it was because there was a “playerness” about them, even if it was subtle. It was like they were hedging their bets and still wanted the “right” to contact other women and for other women to contact them, and wanted to keep this part of themselves from me. I’ve noticed I did this too, and it created such insecurity because I instinctively could sense that this was going on. Being with M has really challenged this in me in a really good way. Because he makes himself fully available to me (I mean in the emotional and supportive sense) it challenges me to make myself fully available to him in the same way.

  142.  #142Victoria on February 9, 2016 at 5:58 am

    I am so happy for you.
    Yes, it can be so easy with some guys.
    The thing is, nobody is perfect (not even I, can you imagine :-)) and the question usually comes down to can you live with the negative traits the guy has.
    I guess they need to make the same decision about us, don’t they?

  143.  #143Mandy on February 9, 2016 at 7:07 am

    Tereana, Thank you so dearly for your reflection…it is so very important all the Siren’s perspectives on this blog, to me, very priceless knowledge. I cannot always see my self objectively or see how I am seen. If I could, I might not need to ask for Rori or Dominique or Sami’s help, LOL! 🙂
    Tereana, this morning I feel…I choose to have a free-feeling day, just to breathe and stay clear of any heavy energy and just not think too much and have a me day at the salon with my beloved Stylist who know me so well (it’s a man, but he might as well be an honorary Siren, I swear, he’s so in tune with his felinity and intuition and being natural, and in the moment!)
    I definitely feel I am showing my boundaries strongly…meaning….saying my feeling messages when I feel I am not having my feelings respected or a friend is just being rude. It’s happening more and more and i’m having less reservations about just saying something anymore.
    I TOTALLY told everyone who wanted me to go out last weekend I was staying in and I felt like I honored myself so well!

    (Oh….what’s FOMO by the way? Hehe, I realize I have no idea and feel silly. 🙂 )

    Thanks for telling me what you see Tereana, it means the world! Much love darling! <3 <3 <3

  144.  #144Mandy on February 9, 2016 at 7:12 am

    And Sami –

    You’ve just been a source of positivity and light so far, your smile is always lighting up your face and I can feel your belief in me.

    You may have noticed I am a sensitive and somewhat nervous individual by my body language and hesitation in speaking sometimes, but when I feel it from my gut it comes out as Master Acting, authentic, as Rori would say 🙂

    I bet Rori would have a heck of a time coaching me, I applaud you, I am not the easiest to coach because of all my what ifs 🙂

    I am a tough client, because my brain is wired to question everything and be a skeptic with everything. But I go beyond that being the Goddess I am and just…being in the moment and minding my own beautiful world.

    Thanks again Sami, and keep smiling that radiant smile, it is definitely one of your greatest selling points 🙂 I bet your hubby can’t get enough of that sweet smile? 🙂

  145.  #145Mandy on February 9, 2016 at 7:20 am


    What was your first step in turning it around with Spirit, if you can pinpoint it? I know that sounds cerebral to ask, but I guess I mean, what do you remember first feeling and saying that was the starting point of the relationship turnaround, was it the script you shared or several tools? I noticed you leaned way back, am I right?

    I have a CD with another man, I’ll call him Wolf, because that’s his nickname and it suits him. He’s a sweet, smiley man who loves females in a way that he finds our feminine energy so lovely to bask in, that he thinks we should rule the world, and I dig that, who wouldn’t, lol. He likes to appreciate feminine energy even just by talking to a woman he knows and likes her company, not just trying to get in bed with her. So there’s that.

    I also have one with a female who is totally crushing on me and I am VERY flattered it is so cute. Supposed to see her tomorrow. Can’t wait. If anything she can be a new gal pal 🙂 I love new gal pals!!!!!

    Anyway, totally full of CDs, so there we go…Cds…leaning back…Rori Mantra….SIREN…DIVA Mantra 🙂

    Yes ladies! I am drawing a picture by the way, of a Siren, one like one of us, and I wish I could share it with you all 🙂

  146.  #146Millie on February 9, 2016 at 9:05 am

    Indigo– thank you for sharing your experience with Bush boy! I admit I have been feeling those same things… Not wanting long distance but hoping something will change and a commitment will one day be on the table. While I haven’t been making myself available to him physically, I have been emotionally and verbally which I still need to hold a boundary to.

  147.  #147Helena Hart on February 9, 2016 at 9:16 am

    Millie – 132 – You’re welcome! I’m glad that was helpful. 🙂

    Indigo – 133 – Thanks for sharing your experience here, I definitely agree!

    Love, Helena

  148.  #148Claudia on February 9, 2016 at 9:57 am

    I was with a man for 3 years. Living together we are both 25. It brought out the worst in me the mean, the possessive, the jealous.
    I hate it so much it ruined the relationship.
    I took his phone away to see who he was texting as he was beginning to text female coworkers
    I became like a wild woman questioning him, And he said that they are just friends!
    His father also passed away a month ago. Which also has him in a state of grieving.

    When I gave him his phone back he said,
    “You dont love me you’re obsessed with me. I want to be happy and this isn’t living,everyday you accuse me of cheating you dont trust me. I had made up my mind to be with you for the rest of my life and now its gone! You make me insane”

    Prior to this i had also asked him to take me to his job. I know it was dumb and i pushed it. He refused .
    Which made me even more suspicious. He then said “the truth is i was scared that you would act out. Become jealous.”
    Forward to today he doesnt have a place to live so I have let him stay for this month.
    I know I should really listen when he says the relationship is over. But for some reason i still have hope.
    I am going out more and being in the house less.
    Yes when i see him texting it makes me jealous but i try to put that aside, it hurts my heart that he is confiding in other women.
    I dont know if there is a possibility of anything getting fixed and maybe its not supposed to be anymore.
    Maybe life is friendly and this is only meant as a way to bring more beauty into my life.

    Yesterday he was touching my legs while in bed I felt maybe his anger had come down a bit, but i just ignored it and fell asleep.
    I am just staying out of his way. Ignoring him completely. Im trying to think of ways to attract him but at the same time I want to give up.
    Im afraid there is someone else in his life already. although he says there isn’t.
    As quickly as we broke up though he got contacts of his female coworkers, which just makes me wonder if he ever loved me.
    I dont want to talk to him about the relationship anymore .
    I dont know what is next, yes I want him yet part of me feels like not trying anymore.

    I know a relationship is about trust but sometimes maybe because of my own traumas i chose to not trust.
    Is there anything to do for me to fix it?
    When we had beautiful moments they were incredible. He would say he loved me and that he only wanted to spend his life with me, only me.
    Rori says that in the relationship there is one leader it was so hard for me to give up and instead go with what he said like when he said no to taking me to the job. I should’ve just agreed.
    What can i do to fix my inner craziness? The caring if there are other women he is texting?
    I have a male friend who said to me “if he still is living under your roof it can be fixed. Just ignore him completely and change yourself the way you dress. The way you are It will be fixed” But idk what if this other woman and him are getting closer?

    Any feed back would be great

    Thank you for helping us find love Rori even if it means, in my case, losing love then finding it again. : )

  149.  #149Indigo on February 9, 2016 at 10:04 am


    Again, I’m just going to share my authentic experience. I have found once that bonding takes place which make us compromise our boundaries or be insecure, it is very difficult to reclaim those boundaries and then start behaving in a radically different way with the guy in question. For me personally, I have found it is an unrealistic goal to expect myself to hold super strong boundaries and be cool, calm and collected within a short period of time of “ending” things with the guy. In my experience, it takes months or years of time apart and seeing him in a very different light. By then, there is a good chance you will no longer want him or that you could take or leave the situation. I think the goal is to get to a place where you can make decisions purely based on what is best for you and you feel like you can handle all outcomes. If you still find you want to be verbally and emotionally available to him you are probably still emotionally attached.

  150.  #150Indigo on February 9, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Victoria 137,

    Nobody is perfect, including me! (haha)

    I think the point I was making is that *I* am not perfect in this way… there is no way I would have offered to a guy I’d been dating for a week or two that he was welcome to use or look through my phone any time he felt like it, because I still have messages on there from guy friends which could be taken either way… But being with M has challenged me in this way. He IS so good in this way and it has challenged me to look at myself, ie. where I may be keeping lines of communication open with other men which may be preventing intimacy in my primary relationship. So no one is perfect, but I think we can be inspired by people who seem to have mastery in one area!

  151.  #151Femininewoman on February 9, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    FREE webinar EXCLUSIVELY for Highly Sensitive People and Empaths:

    “The Four Step Life Success Formula for Highly Sensitive People!” with Debbie Lynn Grace.

    This is for you if you have ever struggled to be healthy, happy or prosperous because of your sensitivities”

  152.  #152Millie on February 9, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    Indigo– thank you for sharing all your wisdom and experience! I vow not to compromise myself for anyone! my vibe is already turning around and I am loving all my new insights and new habits. Thank you!

  153.  #153Tereana on February 9, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    Wow, FW. I need to check that link out…

  154.  #154Azure Blu on February 9, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    Mandy #140
    I feel so warm reading your post lately…
    Of course not everyday is perfect and wonderfuliscious…
    but you have a new bounce… lightness to YOU!!
    Lots of cheering for the Siren YOU are becoming
    everyday!!! oxoxo

    Mmmm… to answer your question of when did I start feeling his energy coming toward me more than before..
    I trully believe that MOST of the change was ME…
    ME continually focusing on MY life… MY happiness
    practicing the tools with EVERYONE… My children,
    my mother, my sister, my cat (yes, even the cat), my friends
    and allll the CDs…
    I started NOT caring about what Spirit was thinking or doing and CARING about what I WANT in a partnership/relationship…

    He has asked me to marry him about 5 times… the last time he asked me was 4 months ago.
    I would always say yes … but this time I shared my truth…. I said “Darling Spirit, you can’t stand being with me for 2 days in a row… you’re skipping a step here!” and I could feel him deeply listening to that…

    of course i had started being less available… I had always been CDing…
    NOT going on dates every time he called,
    leaving dates early and not having much s*x with him (he knew he is the ONLY man I am having s*x with for the whole time I’ve seeing him -2yrs-)
    Saying no when he asked for exclusivity (in a warm, open hearted voice… but explaining “You only like me when I’m seeing other people” and letting it go)
    I didn’t agree to exclusivity until for several months…he was seeing me EVERY day ,
    calling me many times a week,
    texting me at least once a day and spending the night at least once a week!
    Showing me he could lead our relationship…
    and as Dominique says… sometimes a man can heal his heart along with us… and that is what is seems he has been able to do…
    He is a light hearted, warm, masculine man!
    So positive and funny, HANDSOME…
    He shares more and more…
    He doesn’t have much money (not good at our age) but neither do I… He LOVES his sports and golf…
    but he has been showing me that he will compromise on MANY these things to make sure I am happy!
    and I have shown him I too am flexible!

  155.  #155Millie on February 9, 2016 at 4:26 pm

    Azure— this is SO DANG AMAZING!!!!!

  156.  #156Azure Blu on February 9, 2016 at 5:36 pm

    Millie #149
    I know… I have to pinch myself…
    He has done a 180 turn around!!

    Yesterday he text me:
    Azure, I am so impressed by you! You are talented beautiful, Loving. Kind. and HOT…

  157.  #157Millie on February 10, 2016 at 9:06 am

    Azure– I feel so happy for you!! He is so right!! 🙂

  158.  #158Azure Blu on February 10, 2016 at 9:44 am

    Your so sweet!!
    You too will find someone PERFECT for
    *your* happy ever after!!!
    and it Wont take as long as me!! :0))

  159.  #159Millie on February 10, 2016 at 11:04 am

    Azure– I hope so!!! I have been practicing the tools like crazy and embracing what is in front of me, even if no one is front of me. Taking so many steps back from M energetically…. Believing in the universe, knowing my value, viewing holding boundaries as easy, that I’m exactly where I need to be, knowing the right person will show up when he’s ready and when I’m ready.

  160.  #160Tereana on February 10, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    Mandy (138) – I’m so glad that was meaningful for you ☺️ Your writing now about your time by yourself sounds so much happier and more centered. Yay! : )

    FOMO stands for “Fear Of Missing Out.” I’m sure it’s sekf-explanatory, but it’s basically a phrase that was invented to describe that feeling that you always need to be out doing something, because if you’re not, then you are missing out on somethimg important. And even if you do go out, you might be missing out on something else. So being alone “doing nothing” feels panicky.

    That’s FOMO

  161.  #161Tereana on February 10, 2016 at 4:45 pm

    So basically, when we are here on the blog, practicing “just being,” that can feel shaky and insecure, because we are used to the social pressure to always be “doing.”

    When in fact, as the whole message of this blog is basically about, the ability to “just be” without the need to “do” is true security…

    (In case y’all didn’t get that)

  162.  #162Helen on March 30, 2016 at 6:03 am

    Reading all these comments really brings it home to me. I thought it was just me. My ex-husband was always so loving and caring, even helped me through major surgery twice. It seemed to change after he retired (we have 3 kids). I asked him to do things and he would shake his head and just storm out. When I tried to ask him what was up he didn’t answer. We were such a good team. I asked him again what was bothering him and all he would say was he had problems and that I had been through enough a lot. Keep being shut out, made me close down. We get on well now, but, I do miss him a lot and know deep down things shouldn’t have gone like they did. I am awful at over functioning, keep texting him, I can’t seem to stop myself. Should I give him the same treatment? I can’t help caring, its not in my nature to be any other way. When he drops off the kids, or we are at his place, you can sense he doesn’t want to/us to leave. It doesn’t help that I can’t talk to anyone close about it, and things boil up inside. I am frightened of pushing him to much, but if I don’t do anything he will think I am just letting him go.