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See you there!  Love, Rori

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  1.  #1LonePlum on January 24, 2011 at 7:06 pm

    That was awesome, thank you Rori 🙂
    Going to bed now looool


  2.  #2Daria on January 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    I wish I had a recording.

    I’m feeling sad.

    Sooo angry that I dindt get admitted to my “”class”” on DUI even tho I RaN there cuz I was 3 min late bec the bus was.


    I feel disrespected personally dissed and treated bad.

    I feel so furious!

    Huge trigger!

    Felt good to have time away from parents this weekend. Less stress.

    Cd would have me live w him. Hmmm.

    So angry right now at world. I love me.

    “I am a loser who can’t talk her way into anything, even being accepted to a class she Ran to. I am a total pushover unable to take cAre of herself. I would quickly die in a concentration camp”

    One of my goals is to not die in a concentration camp. A lot if my innerworkings is measured against that. Fuchkin Eli weasel who wrote Night and we had to read it. Ugh. Apparently it either traumatized me or brought up past life memories.

    Also, I wouldn’t be able to get my rightful share of food in a communist line like when we were little.


    So many time I Am successful, and I feel awful being rejected once and all these nvs come up.

  3.  #3Brenda on January 24, 2011 at 7:25 pm


    That is some deep pain. I feel your sadness and frustration. What happened in the past that was related to this?

  4.  #4Daria on January 24, 2011 at 7:42 pm

    Brenda – it feels uncomfortable to think about.

    One thing is people dying in concentration camps. Maybe me in ww2.

    Other things seem small but I think it has to do w my mom saying I’m foolish when it comes to getting what I want.

    I got trucked by this girl in kindergarten.

    More stuff.

    The time the hotel owner didn’t let u’s use the pool.

    It cones from my dads side … He gets very angry when he’s not successful tho he usually is.

    I want to heal this.

    Angels I am calling!

    I ask for angel help to heal this quickly in a fun and great feeling way!

  5.  #5Daria on January 24, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    I am doing ask and receive and ‘flipping.

    It’s becoming pretty obvious that I’m only rejected in ways that make me grow, not because my self worth is low.

  6.  #6Brenda on January 24, 2011 at 8:03 pm


    I have thought a lot about prison, too. It really scares me. It is one of my biggest fears.

    I have read two very inspiring books. The most inspiring was, “Left to Tell”, by Imaculee Iligigata. She survived the Rwandan Holocaust by spending 3 months in a 3′ x 4′ bathroom with 7 women! The forward to her book is written by Wayne Dyer.

    The other is “The Hiding Place”, by Corrie Ten Boom, who survived the Nazi concentration camps in Germany.

    Even tho the books are sad, the spirit of the two women involved is amazing. That’s why I find them worth reading. What strong women!

    I feel deep injustice anger when people like that treat me like I’m second class when being late or whatever wasn’t even my fault.

    Reminds me of the time I was living in Phoenix, AZ and I had no car. I was surviving and got 3 boxes of food at a food bank. I rode the bus home, and the bus driver groaned when I had to make three trips on and off the bus, as if I was inferior.

    I growled, “Look! I’m surviving here! What do you want me to do, walk home with all this??”

    He canned his attitude and I felt treated with dignity as I got off the bus on the other end.

    I need healing for this, too. I label it false shame and false condemnation. It’s a big trigger for me.

  7.  #7archerie on January 24, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Rori says what to do when he is hanging back being a girl and not initiating…Not sure how to work it on a date with a new man , any one with step by step example like this ?

    HOW TO OUTGIRL HIM – by Rori Raye

    Step 1 – Start becoming aware of what’s going on. Notice where he’s standing or sitting, and how his body posture looks. If he’s laying back (remember the LeanBack) and looking like he’s about to do NOTHING, notice it.

    And REALLY NOTICE how that makes you FEEL.

    If he’s just sitting there, notice if you feel compelled to go over there and put your arms around him. Or perhaps you feel the need to ask him to do something or to start a “relationship talk.” If you want him to hold you and kiss you, notice how you instinctively want to go to him and ask for it, or get it started somehow.

    Step 2 – Stop Yourself!

    Yes, use the Rori Raye STOP Tool. This is just the first frustrating, challenging step, so let’s get really brave and experimental, here. Hold on to yourself and STOP right where you are.

    Now, just by doing NOTHING, you’re being a “girl.” And now, yes, there are 2 “girls” in the room. There’s him on the couch waiting for YOU to make a move, and there’s you just standing there waiting for HIM to make a move.

    Here’s where you Outgirl Him. You simply outlast him.

    That’s right. He sits there, you stand there. Or you go into the kitchen, or get a book or magazine and sit at the dining table and read, or you do your nails or try on clothes, or anything that seems fun and can calm you down.

    Step 3 – He’ll make a move.

    Now, I can’t promise you it will be the exact move you want, but it will be a step in the right direction. He might ask you what you’re doing and why you aren’t sitting with him. He might comment on the TV show he’s watching or on what he’s doing.

    Step 4 – Leanback, Open Your Heart, and Speak In Feeling Messages

    You’ll say something like – “Oh, I feel hooked on this magazine article – it feels so great to read about how DNA works, or how to cook Tuscan style, or I feel hooked on this book – the character feels so much like me…

    Step 5 – He’ll Respond

    He may go “Oh” and leave you right where you are. Or, he may get up and come on over to you. If he does, if he moves at all, then –

    Step 6 – Lean back even more. Smile at him. Unzip Your Heart even more. This is Your Turn to Respond.

    If he touches you, on purpose or by accident, MELT (practice with the Toolkit). Speak in feeling messages about your pleasure – “Oh, that feels good…”

    Step 7 – Stay Tuned In To Your FEELINGS, repeat all the other steps over and over until they start to come naturally to you.

    Step 8 – Be Amazed

    What will happen is that as you step down from the “boy” plate in your relationship by “going to girl” even in the smallest conversations, you’ll be stunned as even your “girl” man starts to step up to the plate!

    Let me know how Outgirling Him works for you.

  8.  #8Lucy on January 24, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    Daria, I feel scared when I think about concentration camps. My ex is a big “conspiracy theory” fan and he tries to tell me that soon most people in America will be in concentration camps. He is sure of it. I hate it when he talks like that — I feel so scared and don’t want to hear it and want him to go away and stop talking to me.

    Brenda, I read The Hiding Place, too. The little talk Corrie had with her dad when she was a little girl about how she gets her train ticket just when she needs it and not a minute sooner …

    ack I can’t think of how to paraphrase it, but that part always stuck with me.

  9.  #9Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 9:11 pm

    @archerie’s 7

    Thanks for posting that. I was just coming to post a lean back question and I reading this gave me my answer, I think.
    I replied to a CL response from a very interesting man today. He wrote back immediately and wanted to meet. I felt thrilled. He asked how often I get to his city and where would be an interesting place to get together. I replied with FMs, “It feels so good when a man wants to come to me,” etc. and he picked up the ball and offered to come my way and also offered up some other good feeling things, like how he loves to go to Maui like I do and how much we seem to have in common. It felt great. Then he asked where. I gave some vague descriptions of the types of places here (Starbux, types of restaurants) in a lean back way, wanting him to pick up the ball again. He wrote back that he didn’t know where I lived. I told him and said, I was so sorry, lol, I thought he knew (from my ad). At that point, I felt a disconnect. His last e-mail was toned down and said he’d see what his schedule is like towards the end of the week. I just said I’d look forward to hearing from him, but it feels like I won’t. It felt like he went from 100 to 35 mph in 2 seconds flat. I have wrestled all day with the idea of writing and saying something, but I don’t know what. I feel like writing to explain anything, like that I appreciate a man of action and was just opening the opportunity to him for that, that I didn’t mean to be playing a game about where we’d meet, etc, is really leaning forward. So, I guess I’ll just sit here and out girl him and if he never contacts me again, he doesn’t. What do The Sirens think?

  10.  #10Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 9:14 pm

    LOL I guess mine is a pre-first date out girl him situation.

  11.  #11Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Hi Brenda,

    I read your posts about Ryan yesterday and am happy that you feel happy about where things are with the two of you.

  12.  #12Jacqueline on January 24, 2011 at 9:28 pm

    Hi! Nancy – why don’t you write tomorrow and say you’re making weekend plans, did he like any of your suggestions for places to meet….

    this will seem like lean forward to some, but it will clear up the what the H*LL in the confusion –

    maybe he just doesn’t like too many choices, maybe he wanted you to choose, maybe he …
    well who knows? but if you ask how he felt about the suggestions, or what he doesn’t want…you’ll know what you need to know, yes?

    Hope so….everyone have a good night, too!


  13.  #13Daria on January 24, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Nancy – reading it i felt excited because i thought you told him this:

    “It felt like he went from 100 to 35 mph in 2 seconds flat. I have wrestled all day with the idea of writing and saying something, but I don’t know what.”

    but then realized you havent

    now that he hasn’t been in contact, it might not feel good to reach out…

    but i would express this next time as

    ohh i feel weird… i feel a disconnect… i get the feeling this is not gonna happen… and i felt so excited to see you and now i feel disapointed thinking that

    that last line got me a wonderful weekend with CD

  14.  #14Jacqueline on January 24, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    you know I always thought John Gray was simplistic and shortsighted…but his new book on hormones – Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice…He’s onto something.

    Says men have to come home and “cave” dwell or rest to rebuild testosterone since they need 30x more than we do….

    and the way to get a man to LEAN…is to use him as “Emergency Man,” present stuff to him like it’s vital to your well being and he’ll spring into action – or make a list and when it gets to 10 items, he’ll spring into action, etc.

    Totally describes how men don’t see the “list” of crud that needs done, nor the urgency…

    and kind of to me, why they love their “piles…” heee heee…

    Anyway, great book, hormones, blood sugar and inter species communication issues.

    I was surprised!

  15.  #15Daria on January 24, 2011 at 9:37 pm

    “if you ask how he felt about the suggestions, or what he doesn’t want…you’ll know what you need to know, yes”

    yeah but this sounds exactly what i’d like a man to do for me

    ask how i feel about my suggestions and what i don’t want… so he’ll know what he needs to know to make the plans

  16.  #16Jacqueline on January 24, 2011 at 9:41 pm

    Hiya Daria – yep, that’s why I said many would see it as a lean forward, I see it as common courtesy….

    but I like your suggestion – but now to reconnect, what other option is there but sigh…

    sit and wait and out girl him?? blech…sorry, I hate doing that – well actually I won’t do it…

    it usually doesn’t turn out well, and it always drives me crazy!

  17.  #17Daria on January 24, 2011 at 9:48 pm

    hmm… when i don’t like waiting its cuz im uncomfortable “with the silence” “with the space” etc

    instead i practice letting that space be me in “fertile” mode, where everything can happen, and not focusing on the outcome with the man

    the more powerful i get at doing this, the faster i attract men and stuff i want

    for me, taking the masculine role, even in small ways DOES NOT WORKOUt! like i’d think , come on this one little thing CANT matter that much, but somehow or other, it just doesn’t turn out feeling good

  18.  #18Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 9:49 pm

    Thanks to both of you. I’ll sleep on it. I could, I suppose, just reply to his last email and say I felt a disconnect and feel unsure why… that I had felt excited to meet someone who sounds as adventurous as I feel.

    Something like that is what I came up with earlier today.

    The question is just is it leaning too far forward to send anything at all.

  19.  #19Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 9:50 pm

    Yeah Daria, I agree. So what do you think. Send nothing or send “I felt a disconnect…”

  20.  #20Daria on January 24, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    i guess i practice not allowing it to “drive me crazy” and instead using that time and space to heal up the thoughts and feelings and esp that ANXIETY that comes up that feels like “driving me crazy”

    i do this at the bus stop too or when the dmv lady “rejected” me it was a good opp. to notice why the hell i felt so uncomfortable in my body – anger – and what was actually coming up – that wwII concentration camp thoughts etc

    then i can look at it as a chance to do some more healing!

    becuase stuff will keep happening to where i am put in a ‘waiting’ position, so as i heal more, the more comfortable i will feel with life in general as it flows

  21.  #21Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    I mean, in a sense I feel like there’s nothing to lose. I prolly won’t hear from him. That’s my feeling.

  22.  #22Daria on January 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    whats cool is that it starts FEELING really deep and flowy and feminine…

    and not a lot of people know how to do this

    then in convo, being able to be there with the silence creates this deep, space that men are super attracted to and it feels healing also

  23.  #23Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 9:52 pm

    I LIKE that fertile space thing Daria!

  24.  #24LonePlum on January 24, 2011 at 9:53 pm

    Archerie 7
    I posted this on the old thread lol

    When it does not work… Consider the possibility that it is filtering out a girly man
    It saves so much time and energy

    From Rori
    “no matter where a relationship, or a date, or a conversation is right now:

    Stop Overfunctioning + Open Heart = More Love

    The more you keep doing what you’re doing, the more he’ll step up, the better you’ll feel, the more you’ll trust yourself and him, the safer and more excited he’ll feel — and then the sky’s the limit.

    Unless he hits his “wall.”

    Sometimes a man has a limit. A place where his abilities stop him cold. Where he can go no further, no deeper. And what do you do when that happens?

    You will simply lose interest. That’s what I wish for you, and that’s been my experience with clients who pined after a man until who he really was got suddenly clear.

    If you are Circular Dating, you will be continually taking care of yourself, you will not have invested yourself entirely and exclusively with any man until you KNOW if he has a “wall” or not. Until you KNOW if he can “do the job” of making you happy for the rest of his life.”


  25.  #25Pamelala on January 24, 2011 at 9:54 pm


    I got your message on the other thread, but I’ll answer it here.

    Thank you so much for the meditation tips. Just reading that felt really healing to me. I only work for 2 hours tomorrow, so I’m going to take the rest of the time to really focus on myself and do some visualizations, meditation and journaling.

    I haven’t really shared the whole backstory, so I’ll do that here. Basically, I met CD1 online in July. After talking over e-mail and chat for 2 weeks, we met for dinner and I wasn’t really physically attracted to him at first, but felt that there was something different and safe about him.

    He has primary custody of his two boys, one who is physically and mentally handicapped. He is kind and has a really beautiful heart. His boys were away for two weeks and he planned activities for the two of us to do almost every day while they were away. He paid attention to choose things that I would enjoy, was really attentive. He asked deep questions and we really bonded.

    Once the boys came back, things slowed down and we were only able to see one another on the weekends when they were with their mom. But that was fine because we spoke every day and he was still very attentive. Six weeks in, we went away for his birthday weekend and had the most wonderful time I have ever had with a man. (This was all before RR) At the end of August, we had the ‘exclusive relationship’ talk and then things started falling apart. I fell into some sort of twisted assumptions of what it meant to be a girlfriend. I did everything – gave and gave and gave. By the end of September, he was pulling away.

    I started initiating all contact. I gave him backrubs and cooked romantic dinners. I listened as he spoke of the pain of his divorce and failed engagement. I was in relentless pursuit, trying to rekindle the flame of the first two months, but everything I did caused him to pull away more.

    In desperation, two weeks ago, I sent him an e-mail saying I need this, and I need that, and don’t you care about me and don’t you want to be with me. Ugh! He said that he has too much healing to do and has to focus on his kids and can’t give me what I deserve. He said, “I really care about you. I really like you. But can’t we just be friend?” I said, “No, I want to be your girlfriend.” He acquiesced.

    After two days of contemplation and some talking to a girlfriend, it finally clicked that he had been asking for a casual dating relationship for the last 4 months and I wouldn’t hear it. So, we finally talked just over a week ago and I told him that I don’t want to be just friends, but I’m ok not being his girlfriend. So, we decided to casually date and that I would begin to see other people.

    It felt like a huge loss….but I realize the loss was that of an imaginary relationship. At the same time, it felt very freeing….no more striving to make something happen, no more expectations or assumptions about how I “should” be acting. I’ve taken the last few weeks to really try and operate out of a sense of what is really true, focusing on myself and hoping that he will pursue. If he doesn’t I will be sad, but I’ll be OK…eventually.

    Whew…it feels good to get all that out.

    About me, I am 43, twice divorced from sex-addicted husbands and just learning how to date for the first time in my life!

    I value the input here and the wisdom of you ladies. I ordered the Committment Blueprint and am looking forward to receiving it in next week sometime!

    Thanks so much for indulging my ramblings. That’s my story…and I’m changing the ending. No more settling!


  26.  #26Daria on January 24, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    Nancy – whatever FEELS good is what i’d do. check your intuition on a yes or no.

    does it say… send it? or not?

  27.  #27Pamelala on January 24, 2011 at 9:56 pm

    P.S. He said he doesn’t feel a spark anymore. Ouch – that didn’t feel good…it triggered all of my body image issues and insecurities.

  28.  #28Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    Daria, that is such good advice. My intuition talks most loudly when I first wake up in the morning. I’ll see what it says then. 🙂

    Oh, on that note, I was at the dentist today for a cleaning and they gave me nitrous. I had the most amazing realizations while inhaling it. I think I got deep into an alpha state. Anyway I typed them all into my phone. It felt really good!

  29.  #29Jacqueline on January 24, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    I think that’s great where you’re at Daria and obviously helps your inner and feminine growth.

    I want to produce results in my life – and in dating, that requires for me knowing where someone stands. If it takes “one little thing,” to know that, no big deal to me. It doesn’t discount my femininity.

    Well, actually NOTHING discounts my femininity. I’m usually and typically known as sophisticated, high maintenance girly girl. lol…

    only on here has it ever been an issue.

    So, for me, I’d be far more interested in what’s keeping me from producing the results I want – like having a scheduled meet and greet than dealing with anxiety – but it wouldn’t make me anxious.

    The bus thing would have tho, and I feel bad that happened to you – but even then I would have been more assertive – like I would have written the bus number down and called and complained or something.

    It’s NOT a masc/fem thing to me, it’s a passive allowing vs. an involved creating from law of attraction to me…

    I like my outside world to reflect harmoniously with the power and growth I feel on the inside – not to wait for it to show up, but to have it be an immediate mirroring of my ability.

    Once, I got the city to re-route a sidewalk around an historic oak tree at my property. Fifteen years later, when I’d forgotten about it…my boss would still talk about it. It’s kind of hard to change city hall…lol…

    and I want to own that power. And I did it nicely, respectfully, in full command of my own “being….” and in line with my passionate desires…

    Now that feels feminine to me.

    Goodnite to all the lovely sirens….everywhere!

  30.  #30Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:05 pm


    Ow, ow, ow! I feel your pain. I am in such a similar place.

    But it’s a grand place! You did the very best thing for that relationship, if you decide over time that you really want it, by slowing it down and starting to CD. I think if you look inside, as you’re learning here, you’ll start to FEEL that you want it slowed way down and you want to focus on yourself. When you really feel that, you can honestly tell him that. I think that will feel very good to you and have an amazing effect on him and your relationship with him.
    Thanks for sharing your story. Painful, but a common mistake we women make. I did it, we’ve all done it. Welcome to the club, lol.

  31.  #31Pamelala on January 24, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    Daria, I really like the “fertile” space…it just feels really healing and full of possibilities.

  32.  #32Jacqueline on January 24, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    Pamelala….just saw you wrote. I’m not here as often as I used to be, but you’ll find plenty of viewpoints, support and love here! Reading back posts – I started with feminity and self esteem – again on the right hand side under categories is immensely useful, and you’ll get a lot of great insights.

    I get the body issue thing, too! I’ve just gone through menopause and gained weight…and my ex said something about it. Haha…I saw his new one on facebook and wow, she’s gained a quick 30 pounds herself. So – to me, it’s a tool to cut you with usually and doesn’t mean anything you don’t let it mean.

    Got a great new vampire novel today – and it says the heroine’s a “perfect size 20,” omgosh, I thought that was too cool and funny! We’re a perfect size….whatever size we are!

    See you soon,

  33.  #33Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    Oh and Pam, I’ll be doing those meditations tomorrow, too. And tonight as I go to sleep.

    I divorced a sex-addicted husband, too. That was a terrible feeling time for me. I was blindsided by it. Now, I know what to ask and look for in order to avoid them. I hope!

  34.  #34Pamelala on January 24, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    Thanks, Nancy. I feel sad that you’re going through a similar situation, but it makes me feel connected to you as well. I like that.

    The metaphor that is rolling around in my head to describe the relationship is that we were on a ship. I was a blind navigator in denial. He is the captain. As I navigate the ship into the rocks, the captain doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by reminding me that I am blind and suggesting a course correction. Instead, the ship crashes into the rocks. The captain climbs in the dingy and floats away and drops the anchor. I, being blind, crawl my way to the shore where I wait.

    I’m waiting on the rocks (like a Siren) and he is sitting in his dingy. The only way for us to get back together is for him to row that boat on over and come get me.

    So, I wait. I think I need to paint that image tomorrow while I’m doing my healing work.

  35.  #35Jacqueline on January 24, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    OMGOSH…Nancy – you multitasked on laughing gas??? ROFLMAO….

    Love it – wonder if it’ll be like when you’re high and you think you’ve found the insight to the meaning of life, and then you’ve written something like: bubblegum makes me happy???? I was MEANT to be happy…..

    Nite again!! Nite, Brenda, Nite Lucy too….

  36.  #36Pamelala on January 24, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    Nancy, So many women are blindsided my their husband’s sex addiction. It’s sad. I hurt with you.

    The good thing that came out of it for me is that, after my second divorce, I put myself through grad school and became a therapist for sexual trauma victims (my issue) and partners of sex addicts. Working with my clients helps me to heal as well. It’s amazing what happens when we give back to other women. (That’s why I love this site so much!)

  37.  #37Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:17 pm

    That’s a fantastically good metaphor Pam. I like it so much.

  38.  #38Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    Isn’t it funny, Jac? It actually did make sense. Though while I was high, I thought of that very same thing. LOL G’night!

  39.  #39Daria on January 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    “I want to produce results in my life – and in dating, that requires for me knowing where someone stands”

    this sounds very masculine – and cool

    im beginning to get untriggered by masculine approaches – they might be cool for the person taking them! it doesnt mean the woman has to be “butch” looking, just means that she can carry a relationship with a feminine man

    but i do feel a lil sad thinking that she may underneath want to be feminine, loved, cherished, worshipped

    i “defended” against this – “NO I DONT WANT PROTECTION” stance for a long time – being a tomboy and stuff

    so i am finding now that this stance was a defense because from a young age i felt VERY sensitive and soft and covered it with my TOUGH persona

    even tho i looked dangerously sexy while doing the tough persona too

  40.  #40Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:22 pm

    Pam, it is a horrendous thing, sexual abuse and the resulting addictions. I work with sexually abused kids (I’m a social worker in the foster care system) and talk with therapists every chance I get. It has such far reaching effects on people that it blows me away. It’s so totally life destroying for some. It is sad. I’m sure that I have more work to do in that area, but it’s unclear to me as of yet what that is. For now I focus on not becoming involved with sexually addicted men. I screen for them big time.

  41.  #41Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    LOL I bet you did look dangerously sexy as a cactus. 🙂

    I had to develop and trust my boundaries before I could start being soft on the outside. I’ve still got a long way to go and I admire your inner flowiness.

  42.  #42Daria on January 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    I’ll be honest, i think it DOES make you anxious… or else it wouldn’t feel like “driving me crazy”

    i just think you’re not in the habit of noticing your anxiety as anxiety… and instead making a move – reaching out… to feel better – and take charge

  43.  #43Daria on January 24, 2011 at 10:27 pm

    Nancy! thanks i feel really GOT! yes! the dangerously sexy cactus!!

  44.  #44Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:29 pm

    LOL the dangerously sexy cactus. I love it! You are GOT!

  45.  #45Nancy on January 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Ah, I feel tired and ready to go to bed. But, first, I wanna say that I feel so good having touched in here with you lovely sirens, that all my man cares of the day have faded away. Sigh…


  46.  #46Daria on January 24, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    something else to report!

    i am no longer only attracting (and attracted to) younger men!!!

    CD of weekend is 36 and my CDs now range in age from 20 to 38!

  47.  #47Pamelala on January 24, 2011 at 10:36 pm

    Good night ladies. It felt really good to share here. I feel like I have a gameplan for tomorrow and I’m so excited to go for it.

    Nancy, I really love the word flowiness…I want to be flowy on the outside. I think I need a new flowy outfit.

    Sleep well all…may you awaken with powerful insights and intuition.


  48.  #48Senior Lady Vibe on January 24, 2011 at 11:04 pm

    @8: Lucy says:
    “…Daria, I feel scared when I think about concentration camps. My ex is a big “conspiracy theory” fan and he tries to tell me that soon most people in America will be in concentration camps…”

    Did he say what part he would play in the concentration camps? Does he expect to be imprisoned in one or to be running one?

    Many U.S. concentration camps now are not on mainland and few inmates are U.S. citizens; does he think all will be moved to the mainland or does he think the additional ones will be for American citizens? Sounds scary… but a lot of our history is anyway…


  49.  #49LonePlum on January 24, 2011 at 11:09 pm

    7: archerie says:

    ***Rori says what to do when he is hanging back being a girl and not initiating…Not sure how to work it on a date with a new man , any one with step by step example like this ?***

    From Rori:
    Instead of working hard to get his interest, instead of working at being smart, clever, charming and appealing, you’ll be shocked to notice he just thinks YOU ARE smart, clever, charming, appealing, and totally sexy. You lean back, and he leans forward. And that’s only step one.

    ***Rori Raye – Step two, OUT THE WINDOW lets you come alive with the passion you feel for YOUR OWN interests. He gets to be around while you share your deepest feelings about small things – like the weather, the restaurant atmosphere, the trip you took last year – and almost immediately, he starts to feel that “Here’s a woman with EMOTIONAL DEPTH. She GETS me!” And he leans in toward you. And he listens to you. And he asks questions.

    And then when you gently toss the ball back to him with a “And how ’bout you?” He feels so comfortable with you, he tells you everything. Because you’re so not caring about impressing him with how you understand and hear everything he says (if it’s interesting, right?) you’re able to just lean back and listen, and BE THERE with him.

    He’s so unused to any woman JUST BEING, instead of always doing around him all the time you completely capture his attention, his energy, his heart. And this is how it works. Even with just this bit of information, you can completely turn around a relationship you’re already in, or completely change your love life. These two steps will change your mindset – the way you think about being in a relationship and what you have to do to keep it going.”


  50.  #50Senior Lady Vibe on January 24, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    @32: Jacqueline says:
    “…I’ve just gone through menopause and gained weight…”

    Jacqueline I hate to tell you this…your menopause is not over…until you are dead…

    But it’s OK! 😀


  51.  #51snowqueen on January 24, 2011 at 11:22 pm

    Nancy this might sound really crazy, but something I’ve been doing recently in your kind of situation is just sitting quietly and then ‘calling’ in a siren-like fashion to a guy I am interested in. All going on inside me – just tuning in to him and imagining a magnetic pull ‘come to me, come to me’. It immediately stops me wanting to move forward and it feels amazing!!! I start to feel gloriously beautiful and seductive. And strangely enough I then get a call usually …

  52.  #52Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 12:31 am


    RE: #153 – You said, “Yeah, well f*ck patience. It’s not today and today is all I got right now. Could be a DECADE from now under those premises. Do YOU want that? So why the hell are you saying that to me?”

    I appreciate your perspective, and I understand and respect you were riffing. I feel cool with that, and I hear you.

    I am going to respond anyway, because I want to. I feel no animosity, because I can relate to the feelings you expressed, too.

    I am also making an effort to not be so quick to give advice. However, I make an exception when someone directly requests advice.

    I have also cringed in the past when people give me pat answers. I get that. The difference I see here is that this advice is being given by a woman who has waited over three decades for her right man.

    When a woman has…

    been in bed 30+ years alone for the vast majority of that time; and not only cried, but screamed night after night out of utter frustration and loneliness; and moved entire households repeatedly with nothing but her own two hands, because she had no man to call on; and supported her household by herself while other women her age lived as work-at-home Moms; and eaten meal after lonely meal; and taken walk after solitary walk; and wondered how it would feel to simply slow dance with a man, or simply walk on the beach with a man by her side, holding her hand,…

    …then she has earned the right to assure another woman it will be worth the waiting.

    Let me share a beautiful quote from one of my top five favorite books, “Hinds’ Feet on High Places”, a spiritual allegory about a woman with a twisted foot, “Much-Afraid”, who journeys to the High Places to bring the seed of human love to full blossom:

    “‘My Lord, may I ask you one thing? Is the time at last soon coming when You will fulfill the promise that You gave me?’

    “He said very gently, yet with great joy, ‘Yes – the time is not long now. Dare to begin to be happy. If you will go forward in the way before you, you will soon receive the promise, and I will give you your heart’s desire. It is not long now, Much-Afraid.’

    “So they stood in the mist-filled wood, she trembling with hope and unable to say a word, worshiping and wondering if she had seen a vision, or if this thing had really happened. Upon His face was a look which she would not have understoood even if she had seen it, but she was too dazed with happiness even to look at Him. High over the dripping trees the little bird still sang his jubilant song, ‘He’s gotten the victory,’ and then in a burst of trills and chuckles, ‘Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah!’

    “A little later they were down in the meadows where Sorrow and her sister were waiting for their return. It was time to go forward on the journey, but after the Shepherd had blessed them and was turning to go His way again, Suffering and Sorrow suddenly knelt before Him and asked softly, ‘Lord, what place is this where we have been resting and refreshing ourselves during these past days?’

    “He answered very quietly, ‘This is the place to which I bring My beloved, that they may be anointed in readiness for their burial.’

    “Much-Afraid did not hear these words, for she was walking a little ahead, repeating over and over again, ‘He said, ‘Dare to begin to be happy, for the time is not long now, and I will give you your heart’s desire.’”

    Shannon and Lucy, I have died a thousand deaths. And still, I die. That was not the pat answer of a woman who married at age 20 and has spent her cushy life with 2 kids in a rancher with a 2 car garage and a white picket fence. I KNOW the pain.

  53.  #53Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 12:38 am


    RE: #8 – You said, “Brenda, I read The Hiding Place, too. The little talk Corrie had with her dad when she was a little girl about how she gets her train ticket just when she needs it and not a minute sooner …”

    Yes, I loved that part, too. She was just a little girl, about 5, and she asked, “Daddy, what are ‘sex sins’?”

    Instead of answering, he indicated the big suitcase next to them, saying, “Will you please pick that up?”

    She said incredulously, “But Daddy, I can’t pick that up! That’s too big for me!”

    He said, “Right, and some things are too early for you to know. You’re not ready to know, just like you’re not ready to carry such a heavy suitcase.”

    Something like that. I forget how he tied it in to the train coming right on time. Was that part of the same discussion?

  54.  #54Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 12:41 am


    RE: #11 – Thank you! I feel so happy and excited!

    About your first contact CD, sounds like you did every thing perfectly. Not much you can do but lean back and see if he comes back. His loss, eh?

  55.  #55Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 12:58 am


    RE: #22 – You said, “whats cool is that it starts FEELING really deep and flowy and feminine…

    and not a lot of people know how to do this

    then in convo, being able to be there with the silence creates this deep, space that men are super attracted to and it feels healing also.”

    Everything you are saying on this thread is especially deep, and I learn so much from you. I especially like this statement.

    It is this space of silence that I get into when I am with Ryan when I connect with his wavelength. It is a new experience for me, and it is such a delectable feeling of intimacy! It is pretty central to what I am practicing. Love it, thanks!

  56.  #56Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:04 am


    RE: #25 – OUCHY story! I can SO relate! I did the same overfunctioning things for Ryan – romantic dinners, backrubs, initiating calling…with the same results….more and more withdrawing.

    The good news is you have come to the right place, and the Rori post that someone reposted here on this thread is right on about leaning back and leaning back to outgirl him.

    Commitment Blueprint is top notch! I learned so much from it! I just soaked it in! I listened to it about 4 times! This stuff really works!

    Here’s to our relationships reconnecting!

    Welcome! I get a kick out of how you spell your name!

  57.  #57Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:08 am


    RE: #28 – You said, “Oh, on that note, I was at the dentist today for a cleaning and they gave me nitrous. I had the most amazing realizations while inhaling it. I think I got deep into an alpha state.”

    Ain’t it wonderful?? Once I was on it, and they kept asking me how I felt. I kept saying it wasn’t doing much. LOL! Lies! By the time I was done, I was way in a hilarious state of deep spirit and heart awareness! It was awesome! 😆

  58.  #58Daria on January 25, 2011 at 1:10 am

    Thanks Brenda 🙂

    Pamelala I like your name also. Ooh lala!

  59.  #59Daria on January 25, 2011 at 1:12 am

    I must be feeling open and nonjudgemental, because I was feeling much more open watching porn. Yay nonjudgemental beautiful sex.

    I imagine a world where sex is goddess healing and that feels good.

  60.  #60Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:27 am


    RE: #29 – Hello feminine Siren! That was beautifully written! One thing I heard Rori say is when you are out in business, go ahead, use your masculine energy to become a millionaire! She is NOT about a woman being a doormat! But she said in a romance, it’s that dance of the masculine being the giver and thinker and do-er, and the feminine being the receiver and feeler and be-er.

    I am, by nature, much the way you are. I find it very comfortable to sink into my femininity, tho. Like Rori says, I like to be strong on the inside and soft on the outside! I like to melt!

    I like who I am: outspoken, assertive, strong! Yet the more I sink into my femininity, the more it feels like coming home! 🙂

    I wish you all the best of your dreams!

    Hugs, Brenda

  61.  #61Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:29 am


    I like nude art. I think sex and the naked body are beautiful! I think with the right company, that we should feel free to talk about sex like mashed potatoes and gravy! I like being transparent, too!

  62.  #62archerie on January 25, 2011 at 1:40 am

    Thank you Plum, thats a better step by step approach .It sounds great in theory , but I havent seen it working for me with these guys this last year.

    I am beginning to feel mutinous however and thank you Jacqueline for thumbing your nose at hanging back at the beginning. I like the feeling of gently clarifying the situation, ONCE only .

    I wonder what would have happened if I had done that recently ?

    Like umm , ” I had a fun time on the weekend. It felt great spending time with you and I would love to do that again soon ! What do you think?”

    Or even , “I loved it when you put your arm around me , you sexy beast ..I cant wait to feel the rest of you!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Leaning back so very much right from Day one just is not working with guys my age. I think I need to show more active interest in them than i have . Sitting “being” is not working for me. Two people have basically told me that they didnt think I was interested in them.

    I guess this appears to be the case if they are used to overfunctioning gals like I used to be , organising , or inviting them to things , or suggesting possible dates. I think leaning back looks like disinterest.

    Hmmmm…I am feeling my pendulum swinging.

  63.  #63Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:45 am


    Have you heard Modern Siren? I really felt a shift inside thru doing Rori’s visualization tools. I especially like the one where you breathe in “through your vagina” and then breathe out like shimmering femininity, spilling down over your body.

    It’s waaaay past my bedtime! Cold and going back to bed soon!

  64.  #64archerie on January 25, 2011 at 1:51 am

    And I appreciate Nancy and Pamelala sharing about “sex addicted ” exes.

    I wonder if either they or someone else would feel comfortable about how they screen for this , what red flags do you look for etc??

  65.  #65archerie on January 25, 2011 at 1:53 am

    Brenda I dont have Siren but I love the visualisation, maybe I need to do that across the table 🙂

  66.  #66Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 2:14 am


    RE: #64 – I usually see sexual issues in their eyes…lust. If they seem fixated on sex and not on me as a human being that is more than a body, I look for it.

    Early on with Ryan I tested him by flipping up some nude art on my computer. His eyes drank it in. I had no issue with that.

    Then I flipped up a couple of pornographic pictures, and he looked disgusted, immediately walking away.

  67.  #67archerie on January 25, 2011 at 2:25 am

    Thats cool ,Brenda, a TEST.

    I am just joining a new group in Aus called Getalife.
    I am joining a group attending a talk on the Science of Attraction at the Museum , followed by drinks in the Jurassic Room… sounds really COOL …

    Its men and women , a bit like meetup. Everything is activity based and they seem largely from 35 -60 age group. There are walking groups , dinner groups , music , movies etc etc..a great way tyo get out and meet more people!!

  68.  #68Meemee on January 25, 2011 at 4:36 am

    I feel so vulnerable now.
    Today at office I had to meet X more than once.
    I feel so so vulnerable.
    I feel weak
    I feel shaky
    I feel my energy is drained out
    I feel low

  69.  #69Meemee on January 25, 2011 at 4:43 am

    Apart from feeling low and vulnerable at the moment, I am doing great
    No X.
    No calls
    No messages
    No contact
    In office I meet him everyday
    He smiles
    He came more than once to ask me if I am still feeling angry with him
    I said I dont want to talk to you
    We meet
    He exists in my world
    I think of him once in a while
    I am not obsessed about him
    I stopped doing everything that kept me in the old pattern
    It feels good and healthy
    Every now and then a memory rushes into my head and it makes me feel bad and horrible
    But otherwise I am on my way to getting my life back.
    I got invited for a conference in Germany, in July. Great achievement!!!
    I have to prepare a paper for that. So I am going to be busy in the months to come.
    I like it
    I like it when I concentrate on myself and my work
    I love myself when I do things that make me happy
    Once day X will cease to exist in my memories
    Or he will become just a memory
    I will completely heal

  70.  #70Daria on January 25, 2011 at 6:19 am

    I am feeling excited about waking up. Going to comm service. I am doing eft in the mornings on sadness to not sleep and bodily discomfort about waking up.

  71.  #71Reina on January 25, 2011 at 7:11 am

    I am so sad. I tried to call in. But I didn’t have the right code. I so need the commraderie here. I am 40 in the committed monogomous relationship of 8 months with Mr. 54. I have been upfront from the beginning that I am looking for a life partner, my happily ever after to be married. That I want to be adored, cherished and loved.

    I find that I am overfunctioning, always cooking for him. He always plans our weekends together. He covets our weekend time together. I still get so insecure sometimes though. He does not know how to verbalize. he shows me with his actions that he is a loyal, caring loving man. But never uses his words to say he wants me, need me or loves me. Especially not hearing he loves me hurts.

    He is a recovered sex-addict. This is his first relationship from that, so he leans a lot back with sex, and he feels better having me initiate. He is learning a new balance.

    I am sprung on him. I can see a future with him., Yet, I am not feeling strong in the relationship. I feel unsure, insecure and told him last Sunday if he doesn’t see a future with me, that it will hurt, but that he needs to let me know.

    Since then he has stepped up a little more. Asking me not to cook or clean at his place if I don’t want to. I need to lean back, but don’t know how. I have committment blueprint, but don’t know how to walk through the steps. and I am not comfortable CDing.

    Would love to hear from you lovely sirens! So sad I missed the free teleclass. I really wanted to join in.


  72.  #72Leo on January 25, 2011 at 7:24 am

    Hi meemee,

    I feel sad that X still makes you feel sad.
    And I feel so happy that you get your life back and back in order without him! It feels great to hear that.

    I feel happy for you for the accomplishment of getting invited to Germany! Would you then be going to a university… or?
    Just curious for…well…I live here 😉

  73.  #73Ella on January 25, 2011 at 7:31 am

    Well I feel very vulnerable to post today but I want to.

    I saw Mr B on Sunday. I agreed to meet him and he took me for lunch.

    It was nice and eventually he raised the topic of ‘us’ (me and him).

    So I just told him how I felt about stuff and that I needed time and to see how things were before commiting myself to being with him.

    I saw him again that evening cus he said he needed to talk to me and so we met. But I realised I am behaving like an addict (love addict) running around on my urges and drama feelings right now.

    He wanted to ask me if I was going to date others as we are no longer in a relationship.

    I said yes I would be open to dating others and what did he think.

    A long conversation ensued about how he really doesn’t want that and he is gonna give me everything I want.

    I brought it back to the real issue, which is his drug use. But also that I need to feel safe and comfortable.

    I kept asking him for a solution and in the end we came up with that we would give it some time, take the intensity out, but that I would hold off dating others for a little while whilst he showed me how this could work.

    Oh and also that if this was the deal that he still follows through and gets help. He said he is willing and ready to see a one to one drugs counsellor but would not feel comfortable in a group.

    We cuddled a bit and kissed. He asked me to come back to his and I said No. I went home.

    In the end I felt kinda ok, calmer… a little bit positive but still unsure and worried that I am not being strong enough.

    Well on Monday (yestterday) my evening work appointments got cancelled and he asked me over last minute for some dinner. He wanted to cook for me.

    I went. He had done a load of cleaning to make his room nice and bought the wine I like plus ingredients for dinner BUT as soon as I walked through the door it all just felt off.

    He was kinda wired and his behaviour odd. And I immediately got a sinking feeling.

    I soon realised that he was behaving how he does when he has taken his drug, although a milder version of the behaviour.

    It felt like my stomach fell out through my legs and my head felt swimmy.

    I sat down and went quiet. He asked me what was wrong.

    I told him how I was feeling and he asked why.

    I said what I thought (that he hsa taken something).

    He flat out denied it.

    He said stuff like ‘would I be that stupid to take some on the night when I knew you were coming and I have worked this hard to get you?’

    And ‘If I had taken something I would be on the floor, I cannot hide the effects of that”

    But it just didn’t tally up with my feelings so I just kept saying how I felt, confused, mistrustful etc…

    I just couldn’t believe him and I told him so.

    But I felt so confused.

    He actually looked me dead in the eye and swore that he had not taken anything.

    He said he had had a drink and was nervous.

    I didn’t know what to do, part of me felt like I needed to leave and that other part felt I wanted to stay and work this out.

    I cried.

    He comforted me.

    I asked him to be honest and he said he was.

    I had previously told him stuff about my history with an alocoholic, abusive partner and how I felt very vulnerable and wanted to be able to trust myself when making choices about relationships but felt worried about this.

    He said he would never do that to me (make me doubt and mistrust myself). He would do that cus he cared too much.

    Then I noticed traces of white powder on in his nose. I mentioned it, He said it was fluff and dust from cleaning.

    I felt SO confused. I have never had anyone lie to me that convincingly. It was like a complete conflict between my feelings and what he was putting across. I asked him if I was crazy.

    He said something like my mistrust was causing me to see stuff which wasn’t there!

    For a moment it seemed I was going to give him the benefit of the doubt… but I still felt totally unsure.

    We ate dinner and things kinda normalised. I wondered if I had been imagining stuff.

    Then he went to the toilet and when he came back there was very clearly white powder all over his nose. I can’t believe he didn’t notice it!

    Well that was it… there is was clear as day.

    I felt overwhelmed, terrfied, angry and like a complete idiot!

    I just grabbed my stuff to leave.

    He didn’t want to let me go and when I got outside he blocked the door to my car so I couldn’t get in.

    He kept trying to talk to me and said stuff like ‘was it really over?’ I said yes.

    I just kept repeating for him to move and let me go.

    Eventually he let me get in my car.

    Then he said he was asking me for help.

    He wouldn’t let me shut the door.

    He wanted me to look at him. I felt disgusted and furious.

    I just kept on repeating that he needed to move.

    He asked if I hate him and would I ever talk to him again.

    I said I would (I know it seems crazy but I do not hate him).

    Finally he let me go.

    I just drove home and cried and cried.

    Today I am just processing it. I feel very very confused.

  74.  #74Ella on January 25, 2011 at 7:35 am

    I want to say what his drug is cus I want people to understand what I am dealing with here.

    It is ketamine.

  75.  #75Meemee on January 25, 2011 at 7:41 am

    Yeah. I am going to the University of Göttingen.

  76.  #76Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 7:49 am


    She had traveled to four states and logged more than 1,000 miles from her home in Montana.

    But a female wolf from the Mill Creek pack (known as 314F), met a horrific fate in Colorado — illegally poisoned by the deadly Compound 1080.

    Take action now! Urge the Environmental Protection Agency to ban the use of Compound 1080 and sodium cyanide — deadly toxins that can kill protected wildlife.

    314F’s last moments must have been excruciating. Plagued with convulsions, dizziness and unbearable pain, her incredible journey ended in a terrible death on a lonely Colorado road.

    But sadly, she is not alone. Because it is one of the most lethal toxins known to humankind, Compound 1080 was once completely banned. Illicit stockpiles still remain — and it has been used to illegally kill wolves.

    Compound 1080 — so dangerous, it is classified as a chemical weapon in several countries — is now legally used by the Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services to kill coyotes in nine states.

    Compound 1080 and other deadly toxins — approved by EPA and used by Wildlife Services — don’t always reach their intended victims. Sodium cyanide — another highly toxic poison — kills hundreds of non-target animals each year. Protected wolves, rare swift foxes and even hundreds of pet dogs have been killed by baited traps that are left unattended.

    EPA is currently deciding whether to continue to allow the use of Compound 1080 and sodium cyanide by Wildlife Services to kill native wildlife. And we need your help to ban these deadly chemicals.

    Act now! Urge federal officials to ban the use of Compound 1080 and sodium cyanide to kill wildlife — and prevent the poisoning of animals struggling to survive.

    Wildlife Services continues to rely on poisons — a heavy-handed approach to dealing with predation of livestock — despite the fact that only a small percentage of sheep and cattle are killed by wild predators each year.

    Non-lethal alternatives like improved fencing, guard animals, range riders and other methods can safely and effectively keep predators away from domestic animals — without the use of deadly poisons.

    Act now to end the use of Compound 1080 and sodium cyanide — a terrible way for wildlife to die.

    It’s too late for 314F. After traveling more than 1,000 miles from home, she met a grisly fate.

    But with your help, we can fight to end the use of the use of Compound 1080 and sodium cyanide — and prevent the poisoning of wildlife struggling to survive.

    Caroline Kennedy, Defenders of Wildlife


    Caroline Kennedy
    Senior Director of Field Conservation
    Defenders of Wildlife

  77.  #77Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 7:54 am


    RE: #67 – Cool! I just looked at the website of get a life! Looks like some really unique topics of interest! It seems the ones on are more generic, like hiking or partying at restaurants. I didn’t know you lived in Australia!

    I recently saw Oprah Winfrey’s Australia trip and it looked so beautiful!

  78.  #78Ella on January 25, 2011 at 7:56 am

    And today I just feel so confused.

    I feel bad like I am abandoning him.

    I know I did not cause this and can’t control it or cure it.

    I didn’t sleep last night. I didn’t go to work today.

    I will go tomorrow.

    I did some research and found something called the CRAFT programme for family and friends of an alcoholic or drug addict. It is linked to the SMART programme and is thought to be much better than Al Anon, both in terms of taking care of yourself and also encouraging the addict to seek treatment.

    I felt a little better reading about this.

    I feel very vulnerable right now cus I can imagine you are all gonna say stuff like just severe contact completely. And part of me agrees with this.

    I understand the stuff about not enabling and letting them hit rock bottom etc…

    I will not be in a relationship with him.

    This is a very clear boundary for me.

    But I do not want to severe all contact completely, particularly if he wants to get help.

    I know this is not my responsibility and I know I have to protect myself first.

    I feel some conflict bc the CRAFT programme talks about keeping some kind of relationship or contact with the addict and re-inforcing positive behaviour ie: being sober, but also withdrawing from negative behaviour.

    But some of it would directly conflict with the RR way to build a romantic relationship with a man and also some of her tools for how to be…

    But I suppose I am not trying to create a romantic relationship now…

    But I am not ready to accept the idea that there never could be…

    I am aware that it is probably unlikely but I do not want to give up all hope.

    Although I am well aware this is very unlikley to be the relationship for me, or the relationship I want!

    Plus I want to leave the door open that I would support him to get help.

    Today I text him and said that I will not be in a romantic relationship with him. The drug use makes me feel too anxious. But that I do not hate him. I felt really angry last night bc I feel very uncomfortable being lied to. And that if he ever decides he is ready to change, and if he goes for help I will support him.

    Part of me thinks I shouldn’t have text.

    But I wanted to as well.

    There is still a lot of urgency in my actions right now and I need to calm that fire and ground myself.

    One thought that helps me right now is that nothing can be solved today, and that the best thing I can do right now is take really good care of myself and do something that makes me feel good.

    Today I started off beating myself up for putting myself in this situation and like how could I not have realised sooner!!!!

    But then I remembered friends who have been through similar stuff and it took them much longer to realise, so that helps me to forgive myself and go a bit easier on myself.

    I just feel so shocked that I have put myself in this crazy situation, about as far from what I want as is imaginable.

    And yet here I am!!

    I feel astounded. Especially after working with the RR tools. How could I be feeling so good about my prcoess and yet find myself here.

    But there is a part of me that is remembering that everything which is not love gets brought up to heal. And that old stuff comes back up…

    Maybe it is this that is happening?

    I think that you will all think I am crazy but I still want to stay open to him.

    That is not to say I am not FURIOUS. I am.

    And I don’t want to allow myself to be treated that way.

    And yet I kinda have this idea that if I don’t slam shut the door completely there could be a chance for healing here…

    But I need to find a way to take care of myself.

  79.  #79Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 8:08 am


    RE: #72 – Been there, done that. 🙁 Not a pretty life, being with an addict. They are such good liars cuz they always have something to hide. T.I.M.E. is the only safe thing to believe that he is free of his addiction. I feel sadness for you, because I know the pain of loving someone who is in love with a substance. And every time, that substance will drive a wedge between you and your loved one.

  80.  #80Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 8:14 am


    I understand about not wanting to close the door on him, just like I’m not closing the door on Ryan right now. It is a fine line, a line that puts us at risk. Some would call us “rescuers”.

    I hope you continue to date. In the past, I called them my pet alcoholic or my pet drug addict. They render themselves useless to be in a real relationship and just need to be cared for all the time…thus the term “pet”. 🙁

  81.  #81Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Ella, I don’t think you’re “crazy” at all. I feel good reading about your clear-headed, eyes-wide-open process and decision-making. It’s like you are holding a lantern that only illuminates the path for one step at a time – and you are walking within that little spot of light each step you take – knowing that if something really dangerous shows up from the darkness into the next patch of light you will see it in time and do what you need to do.

  82.  #82Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 9:51 am

    snowqueen, thanks. I like your Siren call.

  83.  #83Meemee on January 25, 2011 at 10:00 am

    Feelings come and go.
    I feel them I watch them I watch them fade
    Its a new experience
    They become palpable
    I can make them out: anger, fear, rage and so on.
    I love my feelings
    I feel I am growing

  84.  #84Meemee on January 25, 2011 at 10:03 am

    Chocolate man is probing too much into my life. He invites me for coffee. When he mentions X’s name I express my unavailability to discuss the issue.
    He calls me, texts me and pings me.
    He acts and says he cares for me.
    But I feel uncomfortable.
    I feel hugely uncomfortable.

  85.  #85Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:04 am


    Hi. I can’t read everything you’ve posted today, so you’ve probably already discussed this. All you have to do, or can do is to set a firm and clear boundary with him. No treatment/recovery, no exclusivity or no relationship at all, whichever you’re most comfortable with. Then a probationary time period, with progress reports if you want. You have to have a way to see progress. So, he’ll have to choose to share that with you. It sounds like you did some of this in your conversations with him yesterday. And I like the CRAFT program idea for you.
    I personally like the idea of helping the addict to heal by being a carrot, as long as you are able to feel good and strong while doing so and as long as you are not zeroing in on him as your one and only while you do it. Don’t waste your own life energy and forward movement towards your dreams. But with CRAFT and CDing, I think you could be present with him AND take care of yourself. I think as you feel stronger, if he isn’t making real progress, you’ll lose interest.
    Again, I know you’ve thought all of this yourself. I just wanted to affirm it for you.

  86.  #86Meemee on January 25, 2011 at 10:08 am

    What a lovely experience it is to be here.
    Before joining this blog and meeting you ladies I used to be a girl who texts X a dozen times a day, used to feel obsessed, used to cry a lot over the things that did not work out, used to feel very low of myself.
    When I learned to set boundaries I started liking myself more.
    I am thankful for the lessons I learned from this space. It helps me grow. It helps me understand myself. It helps me feel my feelings authentically
    Love you all

  87.  #87Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:09 am

    Dating report:

    Sat night’s CD is now a bummer. He was cute, sweet, very intelligent and interesting and a good kisser. He also smokes pot. A lot of pot. End of the road for me.

    Last night’s CD, my intuition told me not to even meet him. And now I know why. An unemployed card dealer who worked in a tiny little casino somewhere in my area and who is renting a room in someone’s home at 50. I knew I’d be getting my own check, lol.


  88.  #88Ella on January 25, 2011 at 10:11 am

    Nancy re 84

    No, this is so helpful! Thank you!

    Maybe I have thought of this stuff but what you said has just clarified everything for me…

    Its like you have summarised and made it clear from the massive haze of thoughts and emotions swimming around me at the moment.

    The boundary is ‘No treatment no relationship / exclusivity’.

    I feel good about that!

  89.  #89Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:12 am

    I do feel so happy that these men seem to tell me all of their bad points on a first date. It’s fantastic! I don’t have to waste my time.
    I remember listening to Lauren Francis on a Christian Carter CD. She calls it the lemon law disclaimer. She says they’ll tell you things on a first date that they’ll never tell you after that and that once they’ve told you, if you keep seeing them, they assume you’re good with whatever it was they confessed on that first date. What I love is that I don’t even have to ask a question. I just lean back and let them talk.
    My inner goddess is watching out for me.

  90.  #90Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:14 am

    Oh, good, Ella! I’m so happy it helped.

  91.  #91Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:15 am

    Just wanted to check in. Back to work for me. I’ll talk with you lovely sirens later this evening.

  92.  #92snowqueen on January 25, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Hi Ella,

    Your story made me think about how my most recent guy was a heavy drinker – not alcoholic … yet. In every other way he was almost my perfect match. I’ve reluctantly admitted to myself that I don’t need to go down this route, I don’t want to. (been there, done it, have the t-shirt!) I will stay friends with him but I won’t engage with him in terms of his drinking behaviour – it’s simply not my business as he’s not expressing it to me as a problem. It triggered me to think about how/why I had got into the relationship in the first place. Then I remembered that initially because of the context in which we met, I didn’t see his drinking habits at all. He doesn’t drink every day. Anyway – what I see is that as soon as I realised it was going to be an issue, I made the decision to not view him as a serious prospect. Full stop – regardless if he suddenly becomes teetotal. There are better men out there.

    And then when I’d made that decision, a week later a very very suitable prospect asked me out. Now what I notice is the terror I feel that I am not going to be good enough, wholesome enough, whatever enough for him. Now I wonder if that was underlying my ability to attract ‘flawed’ men – that I was too scared of really making myself vulnerable.

    Thanks for helping me to think about that by sharing your story.

  93.  #93Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Hi ladies – Sorry for this off-topic comment, but I was wondering how you make it so that you have a picture next to your name. Once I finish my siren painting, I want to post it as my profile pic. Thanks! Back to painting. 🙂

  94.  #94Denise on January 25, 2011 at 10:43 am

    Ella, trust your instincts.
    As I read your post, I knew. Be strong and stay away, form your brave boundaries. You have been there before, why go again?

  95.  #95Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 11:07 am

    SLV – “Does he expect to be imprisoned in one or to be running one?”

    He expects to be helping people stay out and get out of them. He’s collecting weapons and food.

    “does he think the additional ones will be for American citizens?”


  96.  #96Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 11:30 am

    Hello world, I’m thankful for the day.

    I woke up this morning lovesick; I suppose I’ll go with the flow and be thankful for the opportunity to do that.


  97.  #97Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 11:40 am

    @94: Lucy says:
    “..He expects to be helping people stay out and get out of them. He’s collecting weapons and food…”

    I think it’s a good idea to be prepared. Are you doing this too? I think I should do this a more. I always keep a little “hard times” pantry…I know that’s not much…

    What does he think will be the reason/excuse for putting people in those kinds of places?


  98.  #98Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 11:42 am

    “but something I’ve been doing recently in your kind of situation is just sitting quietly and then ‘calling’ in a siren-like fashion to a guy I am interested in. All going on inside me – just tuning in to him and imagining a magnetic pull ‘come to me, come to me’. It immediately stops me wanting to move forward and it feels amazing!!! I start to feel gloriously beautiful and seductive. And strangely enough I then get a call usually …” (Snowqueen)

    This reminds me of the scene from The Secret Garden where the children call for Colin’s father. I love this scene. Our dog was named after Colin’s father bc of this scene.

    The link will jump the video ahead to the right part.

  99.  #99Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 11:49 am

    86: Nancy says:
    “…I knew I’d be getting my own check, lol. …next!..”

    Do you mean you went to dinner and he didn’t pay for you?! What happened when the check came? I’ve wondered how guys manage this.


  100.  #100Andi on January 25, 2011 at 11:56 am

    Hey y’all! I was postin on the other thread.

  101.  #101Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 12:03 pm


    I thought I’d post here about what we were talking about: “success.”

    I think “success” is when a person is living the kind of life he wants to live, doing the things he wants to do and how he wants to do them…or working towards that, which is also rewarding.

    I want to find someone is compatible with my world view and way of living; he doesn’t have to do exactly the same things I do but they should be compatible, complementary and wonderful if enhancing!

    Just some thoughts…


  102.  #102Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    SLV, no I haven’t been doing it too. But it’s weird… Many years ago I had this sort of “prophecy” about my children and my then-husband… and the part about him was “He will lay down his life for his family.” I didn’t know what to make of the whole thing.

    When I discovered his sexual addiction years later, I remembered the prophecy and thought maybe “lay down his life for his family” meant “give up his addiction for his family.”

    That didn’t happen.

    But now with his recent scary talk and his supplies and all…. I’m wondering if That’s what the prophecy was about — that he is going to lay down his life for us, maybe not literally, but that he’s going to protect us if something like that happens.

    I don’t listen to a lot of the details when he talks about it bc it scares me too much. But I think he basically thinks it will be people who in any way resist the government — on any level — under the rationale of homeland security — as well as the elderly and sick . 🙁

  103.  #103Andi on January 25, 2011 at 12:05 pm

    Ya know, I don’t feel like emailing or texing or chatting on the phone…I want to have real life meeting experiences…some of them whine about it and say well you are not showing you are interested…well, I communicate enough to indicate I am interested. But if THEY are interested, they need to figure out how to be proactive and ask me to meet them somewhere. Is that too much to ask.

    Sirens, do you think I am being too “brusque”?

  104.  #104Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    Jonathon is dissing my match profile. 🙁

  105.  #105Andi on January 25, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Grrrr Jonathon….

    Jonathan is a feel-bad guy…is there a guy you can think about that makes you feel good?

    Hugs for Lucy… 🙂

  106.  #106Gina on January 25, 2011 at 12:11 pm

    I’m going to be careful what I say – my roommate read all those awful things I wrote on here (she came in my room to close a window or something, my computer was open and she read it. Kinda sucks, cause the reason I wasn’t speaking with her was because I was trying to sort out my thoughts here before coming to her with anger and judgment. Anyhoo. sucks.

  107.  #107Gina on January 25, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    A man came to me for love advice last night. His girlfriend of 18 months, who is considering marrying recently asked if he is in love with her and he said that it depends on the sort of love you mean. He is unwilling to fall head over heels madly in love – he wants a love that makes sense, and that is what he believed that he has had with her. She’s been heavily influenced by her life coach/friend (who as been the 3rd wheel on their dates lately, and who is hostile towards him). She has decided that she isn’t sure she can be with a man if she is madly in love with him and he isn’t with her. So she has decided to take a month away from him. He asked me what I thought was going on. And I was sort of at aloss. I thought that it seems like she has her own stuff going on, and it very well may end the relationship, but if he does want to be with her, I think it’d be badass if he sent her flowers every week and jewelry on Valentine’s Day to make her feel precious to him. What do you ladies think?

  108.  #108Andi on January 25, 2011 at 12:16 pm

    Gina, everyone needs an outlet where they don’t have to be careful about what they say and are not judged. It’s how we grow.

    First of all, she was snooping! And, if your room mate judges you for what she saw here…she is the one who sucks…(well ok, I just was judgemental of her…so what…)

  109.  #109Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 12:17 pm

    Hey, Andi – I was wondering what happend to you!

    Pamelala….good for you on the artwork; you go to a site called Gravitar and you post that pix to go with your certain email address – BUT then everything you post with that pix/email could be looked up anywhere on the web. Pros and cons…

    lol I used to be a flower of a different color – multicolored rose on here…

    Happy day!

  110.  #110Andi on January 25, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Which raises an interesting point about judging. As I have been reading here I have been coming across this theme that is bad to judge.

    But is it always bad to judge. Sometimes I feel like I do deserve better than the way a man has treated me. Or, he lied to me and I feel betrayed AND feel like he is an a@@hole. Is that wrong?

  111.  #111Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 12:21 pm

    Brenda, it was a different part in The Hiding Place. I think I quoted it in my book manuscript. I’ll try to find it.

  112.  #112Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 12:22 pm

    How come the dentist never gives Me drugs??? I was just at the dentist yesterday too!

  113.  #113Andi on January 25, 2011 at 12:23 pm

    106: Gina

    Not sure of how to first thought is, if she wants to take a month off – should he behave the same way we talk about here…he backs off until she decides? Or is it different when the genders are switched…

    If he really feels she is precious…and wants to pursue her he should?…BUT should he also respect her wishes for time apart?…don’t know.

  114.  #114Questioneer on January 25, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    Hi, y’all know me as A***i…

    I have another circular dating question…I have a guy who really wants to see me tonight and wants me to decide where, but it is his birthday…He said we could go out but it is up to me, he is easy…

    We have been “out” a lot on the town. If it were up to me I would snuggle on the sofa…what should I say?

    CD Newbie..

    Thank you Sirens!!

  115.  #115Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 12:35 pm

    Snowqueen, how did you find out that guy was a heavy drinker (too heavy for you to want to deal with)?

  116.  #116Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I grew up in a non-drinking family, so I guess I don’t know how much is too much when it comes to drinking…..

  117.  #117Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    I want to clear something up without a lot of controversy – I am very clear and understand perfectly what Rori refers to as being feminine -for both sexes. haha…I forgot to cite what she mentions happens if you’ve got a girly man and you are girly, too – actually nothing (well maybe a lot of talking?)

    And John Grey talks all about hormones – esp. menopause, SLV – and shocking stats about oxy whatever it is women get vs. cortesol and testosterone, etc. There are physical and biological gender differences.

    Okay – but here’s MY deal….

    I AM feminine, never had an issue with it, don’t care to disect it, I am a woman ergo, therefore, whatever logic you wanna use, I’m feminine.

    And, there are actions that are considered MORE feminine in the world. Generally these actions are also more passive.

    I am free to take these actions, to use all the current biological and psychological research and try like hell to get results from outgirling a girly man…or just pulling up a man’s masculinity from inside himself, etc. This could be done from a place of authenticity, a place of desperation – I’ve gotta do something different, I’ll try this, a place of belief – oh, I was too masculine now I’ll flip and be very feminine…etc.

    But that’s not what I am about – although I have decided that participatig here gives me that female nurturing feel good thingy…smile.

    What I talk about is getting what I want -that’s what I came here for – to have the relationship I wanted.

    And so – if a detail is driving me crazy, it’s not making me anxious, it is taking up space in my head as unfinished business and annoying me more than anything. I would never be that invested in a basically stranger – and OMGOSH I LOVE the lemon law stuff; even mr. lowkeyed said there were financial issues he has he didn’t dare mention at our first lunch, or he knew he’d never see me again. They so know the game…whether we do or not. I thought running a background check would reveal all….

    anyway, so- back to getting what I want – I own a home, land, two vehicles, and have a guy living with me who adores me and does tons of chores….and who meets my basic guy criteria and tops it in some areas – especially in the sex area.

    And I didn’t get any of that by being meek in my femininity. I got it by flaunting my femininity actually but that’s another story.

    Women can be passive, or they can be active. They can be receivers or instigators, etc. It doesn’t mean they are more or less feminine, it is if not authentic, simply a “role” they assume.

    For me – I get a lot out of saying, asking for what I want. Even a “no.” Says a lot of things, and I’m good with that.

    I’m not called hot and sophisticated because of my hair – it’s some kind of vibe I have, that I can’t even see, like water to a fish….

    but even if you don’t have that vibe, you don’t have to.

    It’s like we come here and have to PROVE our femininity to other women? No! not gonna bother…

    BUT, the value I find in this work is in accessing and knowing your feelings, in stoping doing what feels bad and finding what feels good, in a new way to communicate that might get different results and in exercises to awaken the feminine kundalini so to speak.

    So, when we decide to – oh my gosh! – respond to a man who like sent us 1/2 dozen emails without getting one first….it might break a rule but it doesn’t negate who we are. And yes, men at a “certain” age, want that encouragement – well who doesn’t like to know they won’t be rejected.

    Which is kind of the only benefit I see in leaning back….you absolutely get to be the one chased, pursued, prized, and NEVER get rejected.

    So, it’s a great place to be in – if you’ve gotten say, 2 dozen men breaking down your door, fed exing you dozens of flowers (oooh, which I got from another country on my birthday in addition to my guy’s – it was probably more fun that getting 5 dozen once….)…yeah, it’s great to be pursued.

    And all it means is you’ve found a type A pursuerer guy – who might step all over you…..

    once he thinks he’s “gotten” you especially if you don’t allow your voice.

    So, I will never equate leaning back and waiting with my femininity nor with achieving what I want to in relationships, or feel bad if I am not passively waiting as I get – sigh – older and older – for LIFE….

    I wanna live it now, I want to ask and receive, I want to be a creator of the first order in the abundance of the universe, I want to allow the universe to supply me with overwhelming love and affection from all sources and I don’t want to have to be someone I’m not, or speak somehow I don’t.

    I hope there’s space for allowing here – and if there’s not? I hope we can all make it so!!

    Loving all that is,


  118.  #118Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 12:44 pm

    “..But I think he basically thinks it will be people who in any way resist the government — on any level — under the rationale of homeland security — as well as the elderly and sick…”

    I believe there is truth to this and nobody blinks an eye until it’s happening to them!

    Also on the “laying down his life” I think there is another less ominous way of explanation! The one you’ve already told us. Your ex did this already!

    He “laid down” — as in put aside some of his personal life interests in divorce — to provide for you and children. So don’t worry Lucy, I think the “laying down” is already done or in progress in a good way and nothing bad at all.


  119.  #119Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 12:47 pm

    @103: Lucy says:
    “Jonathon is dissing my match profile. ”

    How? Where?


  120.  #120Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    Thanks, Andi. Turns out he was just teasing me. Silly boy. Now he’s making me smile.

  121.  #121Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm

    @108: Jacqueline says:
    “…BUT then everything you post with that pix/email could be looked up anywhere on the web. Pros and cons…”

    How about just using a new e-mail acct? Could you use just to put the pic here and not use it for anything else? I would only take about 15 minutes extra, once, to do that.


  122.  #122Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    *IT* would take… 😳

  123.  #123Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 12:57 pm

    John Grey says one of the ways a man “mans up” and produces testosterone is by sacrificing for a noble cause….I see that in Lucy’s ex’s actions and in my ex..

    it’s interesting. But don’t we all benefit from sacrificing for a noble cause?…..

    yeah, sometimes these gender assigned things seem pretty arbitrary – or maybe I just like to produce adrenaline highs from spurts of testosterone?


    Jonathon can be kind of heavy handed sometimes, btw…but I don’t think it’s on purpose, it’s due to his misunderstandings from when we spent a couple of weeks talking. Once he understands something he reverts to Mr. Nice Guy – persona? or truth?


  124.  #124Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    aha! glad he’s back to Mr. Nice guy…and yes, SLV one could certainly do that – or just not care if there comments could be traced – I didn’t until I got my blog and didn’t want to be able to be associated with stuff I wrote elsewhere. It’s not sinister by creation – if you check out Gravitar it’s supposed to help you track everywhere you’ve left comments and stay up on your convo’s,e tc.

    Wow, I’m using up all my daylight…gotta get gone for now….

    Sunshine Superwoman….J

  125.  #125Andi on January 25, 2011 at 1:02 pm

    @ 116

    J said:

    And all it means is you’ve found a type A pursuerer guy – who might step all over you…..


    Yikes…I often wonder this…is it true?

  126.  #126Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Thank you, SLV, that feels really good to read. I think you are right. He is a good man.

  127.  #127Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    @109: Andi says:

    “..But is it always bad to judge. Sometimes I feel like I do deserve better than the way a man has treated me. ..”

    I believe wisdom in our decision making, or judgment, is a good thing. I think thoughtless and biased “name calling” is not a good thing.

    And I would not let a pedophile babysit my children no matter how reformed he or his therapist claimed he was. I wouldn’t be nasty to him either; I’d just go about considering my own interests first.

    I’ve seen all kinds of name calling and mind reading taking place on the blog under the misunderstanding or guise of “feeling messages.” It’s human nature I guess…


  128.  #128Andi on January 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm

    Thanks SLV…:)

  129.  #129Andi on January 25, 2011 at 1:11 pm

    Also, on dating sites…I wonder,

    Do we let the guy pursue if he has an interest (first) or can we show an interest first too. I know we are free to choose whatever we want or feel comfortable with…

    Just wondering WWRS (What Would Rori -or the Sirens – Say) lol

  130.  #130Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm

    @122: Jacqueline says:
    “…It’s not sinister by creation – if you check out Gravitar it’s supposed to help you track everywhere you’ve left comments and stay up on your convo’s,e tc….”

    Oh, no I don’t think it’s sinister or “Big Brother-ish.” It seems handy but like anything else, it’s best to find ways to make things work best for me. I don’t use it now but i’m thinking it would be nice to use one pic for public appearances and a couple others for various private places.

    I assume I can have more than one account as long as each is attached to different e-mail. Is this so?

    A funny thing about pictures. You could use different ones for each place and due to static nature of a photo it would probably not even be noticed they were of the same person unless people know you offline.


  131.  #131Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Don’t know if there’s anything to this, but I had this thought when I went to bed last night and again first thing when I woke up….

    I dislike the terms “girly man,” “outgirl,” etc.

    They feel icky to me. I feel sad when I read those terms. I feel protective of men when I read those words. And kind of angry. Like I want to rise up like Eowyn and strike down all those who say such things about men.

    And I realized that I never think of men in those terms anymore… and I wonder if that’s why I don’t have the problem some of you described.

    If we are thinking “girly man” and “outgirl him” in regards to a specific man, we are simply reinforcing that vision/perspective/feeling/judgment about him — and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We think about it — and that’s what we continue to get.

    When I encounter a man who seems a bit hesitant, I open up my mischievous girl and I actually Feel like a magnet drawing a Man to me — not at all thinking “I have to outgirl him” or “he’s a girly man.” I See him as a manly man even if he’s hesistant or unsure of his role…. and then he moves into that space that I have created for him.

    Just my two cents. As SLV says, your mileage may vary.


  132.  #132LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 1:21 pm


    Missing you 🙂

  133.  #133mcgirlygirl on January 25, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    I know some of you asked me to let you know how it went – well here goes.

    So he called me on sunday to make plans for dinner – and i could not figure out how to politely decline the invite to his place… he didn’t offer to pick me up – instead just offered his address. At this point I was completely turned off. As you know I thought he thought of me just as a friend by his ‘sista’ comment – so this made me feel like this even more.

    Anyhow – went and had a nice dinner – he cooked. We had some wine – very relaxed. We actually had a couple of hours before the concert. He at one point said – I almost called you about a computer question — i said feel free to anytime…. after dinner he asked if i could show him something which i did – it seemed to be an easy and relaxed evening. The concert was awesome. But LONG – didn’t end until 2:30 and it was freezing here…. i think he asked me up to his place but he was more than tipsy – and i was not quite sure if i had heard him. He did kiss me — but again he was not sober… so i am not sure if it was the booze or him. He did put his arm around me at the concert which was the first time he had initiated any physical contact. He really enjoyed the concert.

    He called me the next morning when he got up and said thank you — we talked for 2 mins I said that I had a great time. He texted me later on that day about 7 ish saying thanks again that the concert was great – i responded with a ‘it was i had a great time – thank you for dinner – and he came back with you are welcome glad you liked it.

    I am worried that i should have responded to that last text? Or should I say anything more? I don’t want him to think that I am not interested.

    I am not sure i mentioned this but he is leaving in 2 weeks for 2 months.

    Ugh don’t know what to do next….

  134.  #134Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    @127: Andi says:

    “…Just wondering WWRS (What Would Rori -or the Sirens – Say) lol …”

    WWSLVS (what SLV would say) LOL 😆

    If I think it’s Ok to make one contact with guy on online dating site or ad such as CL. That’s why we are there. I think that let’s guy know I’m receptive and then it’s up to him to invite and pursue.

    I’m sitting in the rowboat with a pretty parasol, hoping for a little trip around the lake…but if he’s not going to row, I might put my dainty little slippered feet back on the pier and walk over to another boat. tee hee 😀

    BTW, do you remember the “boat scene” in movie “Howards End?” Ohhhhh.


  135.  #135Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Lucy – I love that! and yes, since you’re drawn to sensitive guys that yet man up….you’ve found a secret. There’s a man inside EVERY man I think – for ex. my ex was ALPHA and charismatic, I mean Bill Clintonish; and my current is only alpha when I need “emergency man….” but still he has some extraordinary male traits for someone who seems so passive.

    Men are men around me – well except for the once on CL when a guy was a “sissy” and I didn’t know what he meant, and I was trying to tell him how wonderful femininity was…haha…

    Anyway, I applaud you – and that’s a real attraction secret! to getting the relationship you want – it doesn’t limit you to the type A’s only….

  136.  #136Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    SLV – yes you could use same pix this is a concept espoused by Ezine writing – different names for different subjects but pix can be the same…

    and you know…I totally think you should write Ezine articles. If you do, let us know!

    Andi – I love what SLV said, however – funnily I guess, no I don’t make first contact. I want enough of an alpha guy who can do that much…

    but I never say never, if I wanted to do it, I would. Still, in my experience men are very good at knowing what they want and deciding if you’re it, even the most sensitive….smile…

    My girlfriend has a speech about me – she once looked pittyingly at this guy who’d fallen in love with me and said, “she’s gonna chew you up and spit you out,” and that in turn led to my speech about me – don’t fall in love with me, I’m not the marrying type, I’m going to find a rich man and travel around the world. – well, until I found the rich man and he tried to convince me he was the one. heeee…

    Anyway, if I come with a disclaimer – the female version of the lemon law??? –

    Maybe I wait for them to make the contact so it doesn’t sound incongruous when I make the disclaimer?


  137.  #137Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    Nancy and Ella,

    RE: #84 – Nancy said, “Don’t waste your own life energy and forward movement towards your dreams.”

    That was my mistake in the past…for decades. I put men over my happiness and goals.

    Now I am not just alive…I thrive!

    Like Rori asked,
    “What am I willing to have in my life?
    What am I will to let go of?”

    Powerful questions! (Thanks, Shannon!)

  138.  #138Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:47 pm


    RE: #85 – You said, “What a lovely experience it is to be here.
    Before joining this blog and meeting you ladies I used to be a girl who texts X a dozen times a day, used to feel obsessed, used to cry a lot over the things that did not work out, used to feel very low of myself.
    When I learned to set boundaries I started liking myself more.”

    Yay! I see your growth! This blog and Rori’s CD programs have had the same effects on me, too! Thank you all!

  139.  #139Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    @134: Jacqueline says:
    “…SLV – yes you could use same pix this is a concept espoused by Ezine writing – different names for different subjects but pix can be the same…”

    I meant different pics. I have different names too. They are all my names but different versions.

    I think Eben Pagan uses same pic but different names, right? Same pic as when using David DeAngelo?

    I am mean same “Me” but a different actual photo.


  140.  #140Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm


    RE:#92 – Go to

  141.  #141Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    @135: Brenda says

    “Now I am not just alive…I thrive!”

    Me, too. Yippee ❗



  142.  #142Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    @133: Jacqueline says:
    “…Lucy – I love that! and yes, since you’re drawn to sensitive guys that yet man up….you’ve found a secret…”

    I think I am too!!! I’m glad you mentioned this. Lucy and I both posted about this a while ago. I think it came up from something Katarina posted about men that have balanced feminine/masculine traits.

    I think this is what most attracts me, then we get to dance, back and forth…some times sedate waltz…some times a little disco fun…sometimes sexy salsa … or tango!


  143.  #143Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    My ex maintenance man just called to say how much he wished we could work together again…it was cool! I feel like a man magnet.

    Lucy, you know what I think? I think we both LOVE men – and that works out very well for us. I do love men, all kinds, find them infinitely fascinating.

    and Brenda,

    I am loving that you are coming out and saying maybe I shouldn’t have spent my time in this way – like you are valuing yourself more every day….

    it sounds good, you sound good and you know I wish for you every happiness in the world. I’m proud of you for always growing….and sharing with us/me!


    SLV – yeah, Eban Pagan is an interesting read – but you could do anything with the name/pix combo –

    if you want to email me @ I can forward you the Ezine thing if I can find it – they’ve actually got a lot of interesting stuff. And the Gravitar idea is actually a cool one…

    callyall darlings later!

    Oh, and for today’s belly laugh – check out butterfinger’s video – OMGOSH, I know girls who talk like that!! And the candy dish??? laugh out loud loudly!


  144.  #144Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 2:03 pm

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.
    My ex maintenance man just called to say how much he wished we could work together again…it was cool! I feel like a man magnet.

    Lucy, you know what I think? I think we both LOVE men – and that works out very well for us. I do love men, all kinds, find them infinitely fascinating.

    and Brenda,

    I am loving that you are coming out and saying maybe I shouldn’t have spent my time in this way – like you are valuing yourself more every day….

    it sounds good, you sound good and you know I wish for you every happiness in the world. I’m proud of you for always growing….and sharing with us/me!


    SLV – yeah, Eban Pagan is an interesting read – but you could do anything with the name/pix combo –

    if you want to email me @ I can forward you the Ezine thing if I can find it – they’ve actually got a lot of interesting stuff. And the Gravitar idea is actually a cool one…

    callyall darlings later!

  145.  #145LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 2:03 pm

  146.  #146Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 2:18 pm


    RE: #111 – I asked for the nitrous oxide at the dentist, because I know I’m such a wimp!

  147.  #147mcgirlygirl on January 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    So a bit more confused. I do nothing?

  148.  #148Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 2:27 pm


    Thanks for your kudos! Your writing is beautiful! I feel sad that you seem to feel a need to defend your femininity here.

    If others attack your identity, you don’t need to defend yourself. That’s their judgment…that’s their stuff. You know who you are.

    You are the one and only, balloon-giving, flowery Jacqueline!!! And, you’re all that and a bag of chips!

    Love, Brenda

  149.  #149Rori Raye on January 25, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Questioneer – say the truth for you, and say it in feeling messages, including how weird you feel making a decision for his birthday – then tell him what you REALLY want. Love, Rori

  150.  #150Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 2:32 pm


    RE: #127 – You said, “WWRS (What Would Rori -or the Sirens – Say)”

    LOL! Cute! I think Rori says to just give the men a wink or a smile if the site is set up for that. Otherwise, let them come to you.

    I read one man’s profile that said, “If you’re one of those who is going to squabble over who contacts who first or who calls you, don’t bother. That’s ridiculous. Just email me if you want to email me!” 🙂

  151.  #151Rori Raye on January 25, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    I’m posting the recording….the class microphone will be better, if you’re considering taking it – 2 spaces left. Love, Rori

  152.  #152Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 2:36 pm


    RE: #130 – You said, “When I encounter a man who seems a bit hesitant, I open up my mischievous girl and I actually Feel like a magnet drawing a Man to me — not at all thinking “I have to outgirl him” or “he’s a girly man.” I See him as a manly man even if he’s hesistant or unsure of his role…. and then he moves into that space that I have created for him.”

    Well said! And, I stand guilty as charged. You’re right! Thanks!

  153.  #153Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 2:42 pm


    RE: #133 – You said, “i responded with a ‘it was i had a great time – thank you for dinner – and he came back with you are welcome glad you liked it.

    I am worried that i should have responded to that last text? Or should I say anything more? I don’t want him to think that I am not interested.”

    I was told not to respond if you have nothing to say. Or maybe just send a smiley face. Sometimes it’s a good lean back thing to be the one to end a conversation. It keeps him coming in your direction.

  154.  #154Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 2:47 pm


  155.  #155Jacqueline on January 25, 2011 at 2:50 pm

    I jumped into moderation….you are right Brenda! I don’t have a need to defend, but I do like to define…haha…

    I am EXCITED to get to hear Rori live…fun!!

    Dressed and ready to go – finally!

    Strawberries, cherries, and an angel’s kiss in spring….my summer wine is really made from all these things –

    yep, I love flowery!!!


  156.  #156Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    Posting to see if my picture on gravatar works. Thanks for the hints!

    I’m guessing this will go to moderation since it’s a new e-mail address. If so…moderators, it’s really me. 😉

  157.  #157snowqueen on January 25, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Lucy – I realised by spending time with him – the town he lives in has quite a pub culture and that was his main social activity. Loads of people go to the pub in the UK but not everyone is a ‘regular’. As I said, it wasn’t every day, but pretty much every weekend we’d end up in the pub at least for an hour. It’s not my scene though.

  158.  #158Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    Thanks, Jacqueline! It feels great to read your positive feedback!

  159.  #159Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:21 pm

    Thanks Snowqueen.

  160.  #160Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Reina, did your man go to a recovery program for SA?

    If it were me, I would do zero cooking and cleaning for him.

  161.  #161Ella on January 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Just thinking aloud here…

    I realised something just now…

    Being with an addict or alcoholic looks to me like a whole lot of rowing the boat… hmm!

    And also I am starting to feel a bit better around an idea that came into my head from reading something Rori said…

    About doing what is best for me, not for him cus that will never work. And about if he gets pissed, mad (or wasted in this case) to just let him…

    That feels like less responsibility.

    And feels like some kind of surrender. Which feels a bit better.

    Although I do still get pangs of what feels like guilt, in my lower abdomen / ovaries.

    weird that I feel it there… it is like an anxious feeling around letting go of assuming responsibility for another person.

  162.  #162Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:26 pm

    Jewel, why do you even want to be with this man? What is he offering you?

    I feel so surprised and curious that just as I am finally divorcing my SA husband, all these SA’s are coming out of the woodwork on the blog.

  163.  #163Ella on January 25, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Lucy what is SA?

    I feel confused!

  164.  #164Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Oh, I didn’t realize Rori responded to Jewel. I love what Rori wrote. This is exactly what I learned about my ex — “He cannot give you what you say you want. Unless you change what you want to fit what he can do…”

    I was not willing to change what I want to fit what he can do. But we still love each other (after we got past the “hate”).

  165.  #165Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    Ella, sexual addiction.

  166.  #166Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    or sexual addict, in the context I used it above.

  167.  #167Ella on January 25, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Also I cannot find Jewel’s post and want to read it!

    Is it on this thread?


  168.  #168Ella on January 25, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    Just be a ‘girl’ about it!

    Te he… that is what I am saying to myself at the moment…

    Said in the same style as when people tell men to ‘just be a man about it’

    This helps me to remember to outgirl him, whoever he may be…

    And that includes addicts I have decided.

    If they are in fem energy they get the same treatment as everyone else.

    I am just a Siren playing in my meadow.

    I respond, not initiate… that is all I have to do!

  169.  #169Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Oops, sorry Ella (and Jewel) — Jewel wrote on the Stop Sign post.

  170.  #170Ella on January 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    been having pangs of guilt today around reacting with anger (well more feeling anger) when Mr B was showing addict behaviour.

    I have read loads of stuff today that says it is counterproductive to react in anger…

    But I feel my feelings so confused!

    Oh, well ho hum, can’t do much about it now.

    I felt what I felt and expressed that until I had to leave to take care of myself.

  171.  #171Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 3:44 pm


    I’m wondering if you could share the ways that addiction looks like rowing. My perception of it is that it’s rowing away…asking for forgiveness, asking for strength and support, asking for secret keeping and permission. But, that’s just been my experience. I’d like to hear yours.

    As for me, today, I’m so tempted to contact CD1 and explain the silence. Our time together on Saturday was so weird and we have so much that is undefined right now. Half of me is worried that he thinks I’m not interested anymore and hurt and the other half is worried that he’s the one who is not interested and he will never contact me. Either way, that’s all about my anxiety. Trying to be patient sucks.

    Hmmm, time to distract myself with something productive and healing.

  172.  #172Ella on January 25, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Thanks Lucy,

    I’ll go take a look.

    PS – Can I ask you what is was like living with your ex while he had a sex addiction?

    What was that experience like for you?


  173.  #173archerie on January 25, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Hi Sirens.

    Happy Australia Day to any Aussies, and to ME!
    Yes Brenda, i live in God’s own country ,

    ” I love a sun burnt country,
    A land of sweeping plains,
    Of flood and fire and famine ,
    Of droughts and flooding rains” etc..

    Thats about us right now, horrific floods all down the East ands fires in the West.

    I am excited about the GETALIFE site. It has really great stuff to do , small groups of singles, doing everything from Bushwalking to plays to Sunday brunch by the water , activities for smallish groups planned by individuals . It means always someone to go WITH. Pub crawl by Ferry looks good, movie groups , sailing , WOW.

    And of course men in all the groups , and the women have friends and relatives too dont they? thinks i might have found a way to meet more men in the flesh of the right age group without trawling a bar …YAAAYY

  174.  #174Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    FREE with Dr. Margaret Paul: Healing Your Abandonment Wound

    A couple weeks ago, several Sirens were talking about needing to heal in this area. Hope this is helpful!

  175.  #175Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 4:11 pm

    Oh, Ella, it was awful. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I definitely felt abandoned in my marriage — even before I knew what the issue was. He was hardly ever “present” with me. I felt completely alone much of the time. I kept feeling like “I need a boyfriend” — not that I ever even thought about actually getting one — but it always felt like I needed a man who was into me and cared about me and paid attention to me.

    There’s just so much I could say. If you have specific questions, I’ll try to answer them.

  176.  #176archerie on January 25, 2011 at 4:12 pm

    Ella ,

    “its counterproductive to react with anger”
    Counterproductive for WHOM?

    Who wrote that crap?
    Are you trying to heal him ??? STOP …RUN NOW !!!

    Feeling your anger is imperative, for YOU
    Feeling your sadness is essential for YOU
    Exploding with shattered -dream-ness (a very special emotion I just made up consisting of loss of the imaginary experience ) is very healing indeed FOR YOU .

    I love you . We all love you.
    I forgive him for hurting you.
    But i know he is NEVER going to stop because of something you say , or do , or obsess about .

    The only way you could influence his behaviour at all is to RUN right now. Stop all contact . He just might get hios act together.

    I dont think he will .

    I think he lives and works in an environment which supports his addiction.

    I think you are in danger of ENABLING and SUPPORTING his addiction by rewarding him with your wonderful forgiving love, and your beautiful let him stay in the gutter with his ketamine if you do that.

    And what about his brain. His seriously fried neurones? Do you want that in your life?
    Once those drug circuits wire up , they STAY WIRED.
    Yes people recover sometimes but they are never FREE.

    Choose wisely Ella.

    I feel so angry on your behalf.
    I feel like throtttling his lying cheating neck
    and NO sickness is not an excuse for lying to get what you want.

  177.  #177archerie on January 25, 2011 at 4:15 pm

    Brenda you are beautifully calm lately,
    Me like !!

    Off to get some coffee

  178.  #178Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    I agree with archerie that his environment supports his addiction.

    The part about it being counterproductive to react in anger is well-founded though.

    FEELING anger, yes, is healthy and appropriate for you, Ella.

    But expressing anger to an addict actually is a form of enabling:

    1. You are communicating to him by expressing your anger to HIM that you are enmeshed with him and that he has some sort of control over you.

    2. He experiences your anger as an ATTACK — and, voila — that makes YOU the “bad guy” in his mind and then he feels like, “Hey, she’s the one with the problem — look how upset she’s getting! Sheesh!” And you have successfully made his addiction about You instead of about Him.

  179.  #179Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    @173: Lucy says:
    “…but it always felt like I needed a man who was into me and cared about me and paid attention to me….”

    This resonates with me… these are things I’m seeking.


  180.  #180Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 4:24 pm

    It is okay to tell him “I feel angry” and leave.

    That’s different from Reacting in anger.

    This is one of the biggest mistakes I made with my ex. I blew up with anger so many times, and it definitely made everything worse.

  181.  #181Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    “men that have balanced feminine/masculine traits.
    I think this is what most attracts me, then we get to dance, back and forth.” (SLV)

    Yes, SLV, I feel that way. Was just thinking again today about my parents — they definitely “dance” that way and it works.

    When the roles are flexible like that — and both people are comfortable in their masculine and their feminine — the couple can respond much more gracefully to the circumstances of life.

    For example, right now, my Dad is not able to do much around the house bc he had eye surgery that developed complications. It is a bit frustrating for both of them — however, they have a 50 year history of flowing back and forth in masc and fem energy, so neither one has their identity wrapped up in a particular role. My mother is driving and shoveling snow, and my dad is making coffee and receiving my mom’s love, encouragement, and support. They are making decisions together and caring for each other in a mutual way.

    It’s a beautiful dance.

  182.  #182LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    Mcgirlygirl 133

    You could Cdate.
    You could log on your profile, so that men can spot it on line and email you
    And allow them to plan the dates
    And practice telling the truth in the answers you send them back
    telling them you don’t want to go to their home.
    You could stick to this boundary until they get it and decide to take you out.
    You could practice to make them respect you and drive to you.
    And practice to NOT chose a man who has not chosen you
    And to not accept a man who does not want to move to pick you up.
    And practice to do NOTHING, offer NOTHING, and to NOT expect a particular date to become your lover when he has given you nothing.
    And practice to receive
    And practice to say NO and let them get mad and let them go when they stop emailing or calling.
    The ones who wants a woman like you, will call back if you stick to what you want and you keep saying it clearly and you keep saying NO to anything else.
    They can’t recognize you right now, because you are not telling your truth.
    You could stick on your wall your goal: getting married and have babies
    You could stop wasting time focusing on a man who is not creating your relationship

    Cdate, learn what it is you really want and learn how to say it.
    Get busy out there, meet more men
    It might change your vibes
    Either your new vibes will attract him back or they will attract a better man who really wants you.
    You got nothing to lose but a lot of time to spare.


  183.  #183Ella on January 25, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    I think that is what I did…

    Told him I felt angry, and left.

    But he must have seen from my face and reaction that I was furious to burst.

    And then I had to be more male energy to get him to let me go.

    I just kept repeating ‘move and let me go’ like a broken record.

    … I don’t know what I am gonna do.

    I am definitely not going to attempt to have a relationship with this man.

    Oh I feel so sad, and grieving for loss of imaginary relationship! 🙁

    He cannot give me what I need right now (probably never).

    But I don’t see that I will give up on him as a human being. I am looking into the CRAFT programme and may see about whether I can bring that to the situation at all.

    That is IF or/when he approaches me.

    Cus I am still a Siren and I also believe that being that way may even be somewhat healing here.

    Well at least I reckon jumping in and rowing the boat would be very counterproductive and BAD here.

    I am remembering back to my last experience of riding on towards my happiness and leaving behind a man I liked, and how I flipped that so that it made me feel good.

    And positive vibes came.

    And of course I saw him later on… and things were just as they should be.

    Maybe this can happen here too.

    If I can just stay sane and be a Siren playing in my field and just allow my healing energy to spread to those around me, those who can heal and feel my sparkle.

    Whilst waiting to see which men CAN step up for me, look after me and come play with me in my field!

  184.  #184Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 4:55 pm

    “134: Senior Lady Vibe says:
    BTW, do you remember the “boat scene” in movie “Howards End?” Ohhhhh.”

    Rowing the boat… E.M. Forster and Merchant/Ivory style (video @ 04:30 – 07:30)

    Howards End_0011


  185.  #185Ella on January 25, 2011 at 4:57 pm

    I feel sady sad that there is so much pain in the world and that people get so lost and consumed with harmful activities.

    Feels like dark and heavy and sad behind eyes!


  186.  #186Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    Ella, I see and feel your pain… but I feel so proud of you — your courage and strength warm my heart. You are being exactly what Rori says — strong on the inside, soft on the outside. It’s beautiful to behold. <3

  187.  #187Ella on January 25, 2011 at 5:11 pm

    Thank you Lucy for your support!

    I really need it.


  188.  #188Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 5:18 pm

    @179: Lucy

    Thank you for sharing about your parents. That feels good. I’d like to have something like that with my sweetie, and lots of other goodies between now and then.


  189.  #189archerie on January 25, 2011 at 5:24 pm

    Lucy ,

    I totally agree with you .

    The anger thats good is the anger you recognise in you and feel and own and process. And let go of eventually.

    I agree that reacting to him in the moment as a habitual thing with anger is indeed unhelpful and it does enmesh you in a pattern IF YOU KEEP DOING IT.

    I actually think it would be totally fake to stare at that white powder in his nose while he looks in your eyes and lies and just pretend you dont feel anger. Or stuff it down somewhere .
    I think its great to say ‘I feel so angry right now” . I think its great to say ” I feel disgusted, I feel let down, I feel sickened” And then leave.

    The trick is in not doing it again. That is , dont set up a dynamic where you DO enable him. That means , as i said NO CONTACT .

    This would have been impossible in a marriage with children and mortgages etc and I feel for you ,but Ella has fortunately total freedom not to expose herself to that trigger ever again .

  190.  #190mcgirlygirl on January 25, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    Ella – sending you good wishes!!!

  191.  #191archerie on January 25, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    SLV ,

    ” I woke up this morning Lovesick”

    YAAAY …this is excellent. You can feel love and you can feel loss and feel yearning and I say YAAAAYYYYY!!

    Its so good to actually feel it and just do it for the morning. I had one of those days yesterday after the dentist ( I needed Nitrous obviously like Brenda!) and it passed. The wave always passes.

    Today is better+++
    I booked some course and two workshops.
    I answered 2 emails from new men.
    I got a text from one of the girly CD’s (i think he likes to keep a text harem going:) )
    A GF asked me to a movie tomorrow.
    I am enjoying chat here and off out soon.

    Also SLV the oil on my scars is –
    1.Pure Vitamin E once daily
    2. Bio-oil – a combination of plant oils and Vit E

    also every few days i rub steroid cream along the huge belly slash and the little suture marks on my chest (they are almost invisible now after 9 weeks)

    My scars are going great as far as healing goes i am fantastic. I am juicing fresh veges everyday , taking Juice Plus also , iron and zinc , omega 3 sups, eating fresh fish , chia seed , fresh air , sunshine and doggy cuddles all helping.

    I am back at work , two 4 hour days next week and I aim to build it up over a couple of months.

  192.  #192giovanna fitzpatrick on January 25, 2011 at 5:37 pm

    hi Rori ive been reading everything and well ive got a question i hope you can help me . my question is what if the guy i fell in love with was once in love with me but then lost intrest when i found intrest what do i do to make him find intrest again

  193.  #193PrairieGirl on January 25, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    #180 LP that was AWESOME!!!!

  194.  #194mcgirlygirl on January 25, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Thanks loneplum. I had some feedback from a gf of mine that said – (and I quote) ARE YOU F***** STUPID??? HOW MANY MORE SIGNS DO YOU NEED HE”S INTERESTED – text him an say – . “we should hook up again sometime soon” let me know when you’re free.

    I feel afraid to make the wrong move.

  195.  #195LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 5:50 pm

    Ella is a brand new fresh siren
    She is free and young, no past clinging to her skirt following her around
    She smells good like the air above the ocean, she’s got a life ahead of her.
    She gets clearer and clearer in what she wants.
    She will avoid addicts from now on, and God knows there are millions around this planet.
    They were slowing her down.
    Yeah! She is gonna walk a bit faster now.
    She is getting closer to her goal.
    A little tear for a sweet friend who can’t take her same direction.
    A little heart broken to leave a sweet soul behind her
    He will make it, he will learn from her departure
    Go forwards sweet siren, your happiness heals the world.


  196.  #196JenniferW on January 25, 2011 at 5:56 pm

    I’m new here! I’ve been reading Rori’s techniques and blog for about a month now and I have to say you ladies are FANTASTIC. It feels great to have women to talk to about our boys! I actually tried Rori’s techniques (leaning back) about a month ago when our relationship was going dull and he did a 180! ha!
    Soul Sista….I have to say that I LOVE your rock star attitude.

  197.  #197Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 6:09 pm

    That’s beautiful for Ella, Loneplum. <3

  198.  #198LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 6:16 pm

    191 Mcgirlygirl


    Stop over functioning
    and learn to say what you don’t want when he phones you

    It is not healthy for you to say yes to anything
    Learn to say you don’t want to drive to his place, ask sirens for feeling messages about this
    I am serious, you need boundaries.
    You seem to think that boundaries are rude or will make him mad

    He can’t respect you if you keep making it all about him
    Put the focus back on yourself.
    He has not taken you anywhere yet, he has not planned a real date yet
    You are the one who planned the date and got the concert tickets
    He did not think such a gift was worse the trouble to drive to you.
    He made you drive to his home, he did not even pay a restaurant

    He has not given any sign he is really interested in you as a person. So far he is enjoying having it all given to him.


    Take your focus off him, you are wasting a precious time.
    When this man calls, you will be warm and he will know you like him. In between calls, he does not exist. Forget him.
    Go meet more men, make them exist in your real life. Learn to respect yourself through your interaction with them.
    You can do it 🙂


  199.  #199Gina on January 25, 2011 at 6:37 pm

    I find your voice SO refreshing! Thank you for being you.

  200.  #200Gina on January 25, 2011 at 6:46 pm

    One of my students told me that he journals and refers to me as “His Angel” !!! omg! That is such a nice feeling. And I started to be a little to hard on him about the Cuban Motion today. I feel bad. AGGH! I forgive myself! I feel an urgent desire to forgive myself and stave off guilt shame and blame. I love my desire to treat him the best possible way I can. I want to be an angel for people! Oh my gosh that would be the best possible thing to be! And my best friend and I bought Angel Wing necklaces for eachother and I eagerly await their arrival!! And we intend to open up a Wellness Center, and the logo will be the Angel Wing Tattoo (it’s in the shape of a heart) on her calf, and the name of the place will be “Hearts and Angels.” We’d like to make our own line of friendship necklaces that are angel wings in the shape of hearts (our logo?), for people to give to the angels in our world. I passionately believe in the power of symbols, and I am going to continue to focus on Hearts and Angles and see what happens!!!!

  201.  #201mcgirlygirl on January 25, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    LonePlum – so the first date was not a real date (I am confused) that was drinks at a place closer to me than him. But then it did take him 4 days to call me.

    Yes I am trying to focus on me. And am talking others.

  202.  #202mcgirlygirl on January 25, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    It just sucks that someone you are interested in is not interested in you.

  203.  #203Gina on January 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    “Judge not, lest you be judged.” (right?)

    maybe that means don’t judge unless you wish to be judged likewise. and when it comes to forming relationships I think there is an appropriate amount of judging that happens about whether a person is someone we wish to associate with based on what we may predict might come of their various character traits, habits, lifestyle etc. I think it’s good to look at things objectively and try to predict outcomes – you can save a lot of time that way. I don’t think it’s good to live in that headspace all the time, but I do believe it is good to visit the land of judgment and get some perspective what what is working and what isn’t. But it seems like the judging has to stop there because I’ve noticed that when i judge myself and other people in a way that suggests that things “should” be different, then I’m out of sync with what is and I’m denying reality and copping out. I want to be untriggerable! I’m starting at a brand new job and it feels great to be able to start fresh. I see my old self appear in ways that feel irrelevant and easy to release. I am prompt, competent, professional, courteous and enthusiastic. Everyone likes me so far (except the salad lady for some reason 🙁
    I feel so good and so grateful and powerful and happy.

  204.  #204Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    I am with you mcgirlygirl. I’m sorry that you’re feeling that suckiness.

    I ended up caving and texting my guy and it didn’t ease the anxiety at all…now it’s all focused on why hasn’t he texted back? What’s going on? Did I just break the camel’s back?

    Letting go….letting go….letting go. I’m logging off the computer now so I can stop obsessing about what he’s doing. Gonna read a book and go to bed early.

  205.  #205Gina on January 25, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    I feel weird about saying that I find Andi refreshing. It’s just funny how when you’re walking down the street, some people’s eye contact just clicks with yours? And people’s voices on here click for me in different ways. It’s interesting. Anyway, Andi, I resonate with the way you think.

  206.  #206Gina on January 25, 2011 at 7:04 pm

    no not think…speak..

  207.  #207Senior Lady Vibe on January 25, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    @89: archerie says:
    “…YAAAY …this is excellent. You can feel love and you can feel loss and feel yearning and I say YAAAAYYYYY!!…”

    Damn annoying though. I hope I don’t sound too jaded; I can actually be rather maudlin. However, all not lost! I was triggered by something unexpected but spent a long time “noticing” and looking for a message.

    Something clicked finally this evening when I took long walk. I think the Universe handed me another piece of the puzzle… on what to do about me and finding out what I want.

    I’m adding more little pieces. Today’s: At first I thought message was “Connection, attention and affection are more important than creativity.” This was mainly for lovemaking but… not exactly…I found as I walked along farther. I’ve usually had attention and affection and connection was not a priority. There were guys that wanted connection and I did not.

    I think what I want a in guy now is a guy that *I* want to connect with. Duh… ain’t that simple??? And I still think creativity is important for other things such as art, literature, music etc. We can enjoy creativity in those things for many years to come.


    Thanks for sharing info about your aftercare treatment. Is the “bio oil” a proprietary formula? Which plant oils are in it? Tinque also gave me good info about helicrysum for scar prevention/treatment. It’s also ingredient for anti-aging skin care. Sounds good to me!


  208.  #208LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    198 mcgirlygirl

    may be he is, may be not, time will say
    And yes it sucks when they are not interested lol
    But that’s the point.
    You can’t make them interested by telling them that you are.
    He could eventually take advantage to have sex, but it will not open his heart.

    You are sure to ruin his interest if you text him or invite him.
    You said you want to marry, you don’t want to “hook up” or to be an easy girl friend for a few years.
    So what you want is to give him space to grow a longing for you. Let him work to win you.
    If he does not work to win you, you will know he is not interested.

    It is not a game. When he calls you , you answer and you talk normally.
    But you don’t initiate the calls or the texting.


  209.  #209Katnina on January 25, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    I feel thankful for this space.
    I am learning so much from everyone here.
    Thank you to Rori & every siren here for teaching me that it is ok to experience my feelings, how to express my feelings to others, and how to be soft on the outside and strong on the inside.
    I am learning! I am growing!
    This feels awesome to me!

  210.  #210Gina on January 25, 2011 at 7:47 pm

    OMG!!! I am SO DISGUSTED WITH THE BACHELOR. He clearly fell in love with one of the chicks but then he fell more in love with a different chick and it looks like she is the one, but he goes and has a mediocre makeout with one of the other chicks who are after him who he doesn’t feel nearly as hot for as the other one. Why does he play this stupid game? Why doesn’t he give her a pleasant kiss on the cheek and keep the ones he’s attracted to at bay, surounding himself with the one’s he likes least, eliminate them one by one, then politely let the good ones go, and then go for that one girl that he obviously wants to be with??

  211.  #211Gina on January 25, 2011 at 7:50 pm

    Ha ha. So much for not judging!!

  212.  #212Simply Shannon on January 25, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    I just told a guy live on the phone that I don’t feel interested in him. Holy shit Batman. We have lift off!! And I didn’t feel scared at all. I felt resolved, like this just needs to be said. I no longer want these hot/cold, occasional daters. Begone I say! I want a man pursuing me hard core!! I also told him I might feel interested in dating him at some point but right now my answer is “No, I don’t feel interested.” And I was able to leave the door open if he wants to come back.

    I really cannot believe I uttered those words. Haha! Yeah me!

    Boundaries are a sweet slice of pie.

  213.  #213Daria on January 25, 2011 at 7:55 pm

    Gina – maybe it feels good to him to have heavy makeout sessions… maybe he’s opening up to see what can develop

    i feel comfy seeing a guy i like and having moderate makeout session with another guy too

  214.  #214Daria on January 25, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    maybe im triggered

  215.  #215Katnina on January 25, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    Here is a small example of my shift. A cute cd came over to my apartment on Saturday for a bit to bring me vegan cupcakes for my bday (how sweet!) before I went to a dinner party that my friends planned for me (this was only my 4th meeting w this cd so I didn’t feel comfortable inviting him out with my friends). We had a glass of wine-I asked him to open the wine bc I usually break the cork! He opened & poured (tiny but important shift- pre-rori, I would never have asked for help) and took our glasses to the table for me.

    At one point he needed to check his phone to confirm plans with his friends. In the past, I would have just stayed seated waiting for him to come back while he got up to get his phone & text his friends. This time, I did the Walk Away tool- I got down on the floor to play with my dog. I was totally focused on her and didn’t feel abandoned on the couch just waiting for him to come back. He came back and saw me on the floor, said ‘aww,’ tapped my shoulder and I switched hats to focus back on him.

    It’s a very subtle shift but I felt really good about myself-while he was not focused on me, i was taking care of my happiness by petting my dog and then he came back to get me.

  216.  #216Daria on January 25, 2011 at 7:58 pm

    i feel excited that rori is putting out the recording

  217.  #217Girl on January 25, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    yeah, I guess that’s what I meant before about how judging triggers people – I hear you saying that my judgment of how he should be feels restricting annoying and imposing.
    so the feeling way of discussing my feelings of disgust for the bachelor would be to say…
    “I feel icked out that he goes around kissing girl after girl. Totally doesn’t match my desire for a man to show that he has some scruples. I like a man with boundaries. If I was the girl he was kissing, when I watched it later, I would feel a little silly. I would realize that the reason that the kiss felt off was cause he wasn’t even available or interested – I’d feel like he wasted my time and energy.” I feel pretty curious about this, cause, honestly I think this would be a deal breaker for me if I was the girl he supposedly will end up with.

  218.  #218Girl on January 25, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    Daria, i’m curious bout whether you saw the show?

  219.  #219Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    #215 I felt icky, too.

    It was really interesting to me that when he was, what seemed like reluctantly, kissing that girl, she was clearly the aggressor. It made me realize that I have done the same thing in the past…hoping to create some sort of emotional connection through a physical ‘attack’. It doesn’t work. I felt sad for the girl that she didn’t realize how desperate her attitude toward him was….I could relate.

    I don’t ever want to be that girl again. And I would hope not to find myself entangled with a guy that goes around making out with girl after girl after girl. It feels like he doesn’t have the gumption to ‘just say no.’

    I don’t want a passive man.

  220.  #220Girl on January 25, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    I like the way you said all that Pamalala. I’m right there with ya.

  221.  #221Alicia on January 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm


    How do we get info on the next tele class? The cost and all that.. My phone died this weekend and I had to get a whole new one.. So I missed the intro call.

  222.  #222Daria on January 25, 2011 at 9:30 pm

    No I didn’t now I feel curious hehe. Hulu here I come!

    Non calling cd didn’t call me all day

    I feel scared that I rejected him yesterday when he was trying to find a place for us, and I got mad that he put my name out there that I’d be living w him. I’m not even sure.

    Anyway he didn’t answer my return calls, and then I thought maybe he’s having sex w that girl who likes him who hangs out at his house. So now maybe he feels awkward and won’t call me. That’s what my thoughts tell me.

    It’s energy shift time.

    He doesn’t exist so now I am taking care of me and doing laundry! Yeah! This will bring lots of yummy men to me.

    Am I over attached cuz I spent the whole weekend with him?

    Oh yeah, he don’t exist. I can read, hulu and do my toes.

  223.  #223Daria on January 25, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    It would feel nice to have sexy cd suddenly ramp up his stepping up. Last time he called I yay! Told him I felt weird not hearing from him last time. I also said I was on the other line – I was – abd to call me back. He didn’t, but I feel good I stood up.

    Oh… Also I felt really great w weekend cd cuddling in bed… No sex pressure!

    I also had some dreams about cuddling.

    This made me feel safe, like guywhohadababy, so guywhohadababy became less of an investment – I just noticed my pining was less, cuz I had that safe cuddling feeling w a man again.

  224.  #224Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 9:39 pm


    RE: #171 – They sang a beautiful song about Australia on the Oprah show while the audience held a gigantic flag of Australia over their heads!

    I feel so sad about the enormous floods. I think about the wildlife. 🙁

  225.  #225Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 9:43 pm


    re: #175 – Thank you for thinking of me and noticing! Yes, I feel far more peaceful. I feel like I’m in a much better space for focusing on my life. Still got a ways to go, but I’m really enjoying the blog! I need to spend more time doing housework and paperwork and jobhunting tho!

  226.  #226Boomer on January 25, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    Hi, I’m Boomer, and I’m a newbie here! I’d like to say thanks to Rori and all you sirens for your advice through my lurking, whether you knew you were giving it to me or not. I’d like to introduce myself. I am a 43-year-old, twice-divorced mother of four. I have been single for four years. I have probably met over 200 men in four years, and only two became anything other than a few dates. I would say my heart has been utterly broken three times in that time, that I have experienced major disappointment at least eight times, and that every other encounter has been, at best, pleasant, and at worst, egregiously bad.

    I realize now that I have been all masculine energy this entire time. And in both marriages. I make “over-functioning” look like a healthy lifestyle choice. I am so freaking capable and strong and focused and adult and responsible and blah blah blah….that I never let anyone do a thing for me. I don’t even want to admit to the degree to which my second husband used me as a resource and rode on my children’s coattails for years–because I now realize he was a monster of MY making.

    So it was a rude awakening, but so wonderful, when I realized that I COULD be the girl. I just had to let go and chill the freak out. I am VERY intense. I am also highly educated, deeply spiritual and thoughtful, and stand-up comic funny when I am in my element. I have a high-level corporate job and make big bank. I am/was also a chef (and now I realize that I can’t just dazzle them with my cooking because it is a thankless spiral toward never being taken out to dinner ever again!) And I look about 10 years younger than my actual age and I have really good hair 😉 Basically, my friends all told me, and I believed, that I am a total catch!!! Then WHY can I not get to a second date? And why were these guys just disappearing? Rori’s stuff was like “Ahhhhhhh” the skies opening up, the angels singing, and the light finally shining on everything I was doing wrong. And I mean WRONG: using sex in place of affection, being too aggressive, shoving my intellect in their faces, interrupting, even standing wrong and giving off bad body messages, over-over-over-functioning as a way of life. I am basically a dude with curves and a uterus.

    I want to share an experience with a man I have been dating, but I will save it for another post. This one is already very long. Let’s just say I am amazed how a few simple changes in my behavior (based on only a limited understanding of Rori’s tools) have opened my eyes and changed things for me.

    Thanks Rori and the ladies of the forum. I am thrilled to be here…


  227.  #227Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 9:51 pm


    RE: #205 – I figure the Bachelor has to get ratings, so they probably encourage them to bare skin and smooch it up!

  228.  #228Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 9:53 pm


    RE: #207 – You said, “Boundaries are a sweet slice of pie.”

    You’re so quotable! 🙂

  229.  #229Daria on January 25, 2011 at 9:55 pm

    The language of young love: The ways couples talk can predict relationship success
    Published: Tuesday, January 25, 2011 – 11:34 in Psychology & Sociology
    We know that people tend to be attracted to, date, and marry other people who resemble themselves in terms of personality, values, and physical appearance. However, these features only skim the surface of what makes a relationship work. The ways that people talk are also important. A new study published in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, finds that people who speak in similar styles are more compatible. The study focused on words called “function words.” These aren’t nouns and verbs; they’re the words that show how those words relate. They’re hard to explicitly define, but we use them all the time—words like the, a, be, anything, that, will, him, and and. How we use these words constitutes our writing and speaking style, says study coauthor James Pennebaker of the University of Texas at Austin.

    “Function words are highly social and they require social skills to use,” he says. “For example, if I’m talking about the article that’s coming out, and in a few minutes I make some reference to ‘the article,’ you and I both know what the article means.” But someone who wasn’t part of that conversation wouldn’t understand.

    Pennebaker, Molly Ireland, and their colleagues examined whether the speaking and writing styles couples adopt during conversation with each other predict future dating behavior and the long-term strength of relationships. They conducted two experiments in which a computer program compared partners’ language styles.

    In the first study, pairs of college students had four-minute speed dates while their conversations were recorded. Almost every pair covered the same topics: What’s your major? Where are you from? How do you like college? Every conversation sounded more or less the same to the naked ear, but text analysis revealed stark differences in language synchrony. The pairs whose language style matching scores were above average were almost four times as likely to want future contact as pairs whose speaking styles were out of sync.

    A second study revealed the same pattern in everyday online chats between dating couples over the course of 10 days. Almost 80 percent of the couples whose writing style matched were still dating three months later, compared with approximately 54 percent of the couples who didn’t match as well.

    What people are saying to each other is important, but how they are saying it may be even more telling. People aren’t consciously synchronizing their speech, Pennebaker says. “What’s wonderful about this is we don’t really make that decision; it just comes out of our mouths.”

    Source: Association for Psychological Science

  230.  #230Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Y’all have inspired me…I had done an abstract painting background earlier today, but couldn’t decide what to do with it. Well, I just grabbed my paints and stenciled on it, “He doesn’t exist. Go life you life. You deserve it.”

    I’m going to pretty it up tomorrow and hang it in the livingroom…I’ll take it down if he decides to exist, but put it back when he doesn’t. 🙂 I feel good about that.

  231.  #231Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    very cool article, daria! i have noticed that similar speaking and writing styles are a huge factor in my attraction and enjoyment of a man. now i know it’s not just me. 🙂

  232.  #232Lucy on January 25, 2011 at 10:13 pm

    to me it’s part of chemistry

  233.  #233LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 10:18 pm

  234.  #234Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:20 pm

    Hiya Sirens!

    @SLV’s 99

    Yes, he did not pay. He did not eat, because he couldn’t/didn’t want to pay. I ordered what I wanted, knowing I’d pay for it. I could smell it. LOL

    When the check came, he did the weirdest thing. He put his hand on it, like he was somehow suggesting he would pay, but I knew he had no intention of doing that. Then he slid it towards me! I don’t know why he bothered touching it. Anyway, he’s just a guy with no job and no ability to pay. Also, I wanted to pay from the beginning, because I knew 2 minutes into the date that I wouldn’t want to see him again.

    Oh, and he also gave me an incredible gift. You know how I love “The List”. He asked for my # (4 times – I didn’t want to send it, but then did just because he was so perisistent I finally thought what the heck), called later that evening, asked for a date in that call and when we met, he had this big smile on his face like he’d hit the jack pot. He told me all about himself with this expectant little boy look in his eyes and threw in several smatterings of what our future would look like over the course of the 1.5 hours we were together. This is a ‘list man’, according to the book and the SECOND one I have met in the last 3 months. Neither of them suit me, but hey… it’s working! And sooner or later, one of them is going to be the guy for me. So, the date was actually very exciting for me. Poor guy. I sent him an email today letting him know I don’t want to see him again. I should have thanked him for boosting my outlook, but just didn’t thing that’d go over very well. LOL

  235.  #235Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    Go Pamelalalalalala!



  236.  #236Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    Brendada….lol 🙂

    Nancy, I’ve had one of those dates. Ugh!

  237.  #237Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    @ Andi’s 103

    I’m with ya on this one Andi. i refuse to IM. I just don’t do it. I turn it off on the dating sites and if one does come through, I close it. I don’t text, either. I set my texting limit to 5/month! They have to call! I love it.
    I don’t want to email back and forth and back and forth. It’s just so much sexier when he asks for your number. So, I say “You know, I like to get out of Cyberland as quickly as possible.” That will sometimes do the trick.
    Then, when they call, they talk and talk and talk me til I feel exhausted. I just spent almost an hour on the phone with a man waiting, waiting, waiting for him to get to the punchline…. and ask for a date. What’s left to talk about the first time we meet?!?
    Will someone just please send me a real man!?!

  238.  #238Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    @ Gina’s 106

    I vote for him courting her heavily. If I did that… and I kind of just did, with Mr. Carrot… I would be moving away from him because I doubted his love. Isn’t that what she’s saying? She’s not sure she should marry him because he isn’t madly in love with her? That woman needs to be courted and shown that he’s madly in love with her, IMHO.

  239.  #239Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 10:38 pm


    I don’t IM either. My perception is that men are more selective before meeting because they don’t want to have to treat someone if they aren’t interested. But I feel yucky about it, because you can’t get a flavor of someone without meeting her.

  240.  #240Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 10:41 pm

    Thanks for the encouragement, Brenda. I was feeling pretty crappy after having a weak moment and texting my guy since not hearing from him for 3 days. I thought it would relieve the anxiety, but it just made it worse. Now, instead of wondering if I matter to him, I know that he ignored my text…ignored me. I worry that that was the last straw…I’m just making that up – there could be a whole host of other reasons he didn’t write back, except the most logical is that he ignored it. Blah….what a caca head. lol

    The painting helped…I just keep looking at it when I think of him and the anxiety immediately leaves my body. Whew.

  241.  #241Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    @Andi’s 129

    I just read an online dating article by RR. She said you can wink… it’s like real life smile. I think if you just even view a guy’s page, it can signal interest. Sometimes they wonder why you don’t write, but I’ve had guys email me moments after I looked at their profile.

  242.  #242Gina on January 25, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    ew I disagree with the therapist’s advice on the Bachelor. I wish he would have encouraged him to explore his resistance – he said that he kisses women because the women expect it. And the Therapist tried to tell him that he ‘should’ be kissing lots of women. I don’t like it!!

  243.  #243Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    @ Lucy’s 131

    “When I encounter a man who seems a bit hesitant, I open up my mischievous girl and I actually Feel like a magnet drawing a Man to me — not at all thinking “I have to outgirl him” or “he’s a girly man.” I See him as a manly man even if he’s hesistant or unsure of his role…. and then he moves into that space that I have created for him.

    Oooooooo, I love this. And I feel insecure about my ability to pull it off. I need flirting lessons! I’m working on smiling and doing RR’s smile at yourself tool, but I need some serious flirting lessons!

  244.  #244Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    @ Pam’s 234

    Hi Pam! I’ve become the queen of no contact. It has been 3.5 months and I haven’t contacted him at all. Cold turkey. You know how I do it? I find stuff that I want to do for myself. I rearranged my house and painted my bathroom, went shopping, got a new dating wardrobe, got an aquarium with goldfish and I feel really INTO these things and feel really INTO being with myself. And I miss him terribly. But there’s a different quality to it. I think because I set a boundary with him and stood up for myself. I feel stronger. I hope this will help you somehow.

  245.  #245Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 10:57 pm

    @ SS’s 207

    Doesn’t it feel good to say no to wishy-washy? I love it! I feel better with every boundary I set.

  246.  #246Pamelala on January 25, 2011 at 11:02 pm

    Hi Nancy…I think a new dating wardrobe would be amazing! I feel like I’m waking up from a fog and seeing light hurts more than just my eyes. It will take some getting used to take care of myself. Part of the anxiety was that I wasn’t sure that I need him to move toward me….then I realized that I specifically told him, even before RR, that I can’t be the man in our relationship anymore. That a man’s job is to move toward and a woman’s job is to receive movement with grace (got this from some Christian counseling that I did to a room full of SA men two weeks ago.) When I said it, I though, “Hmmmm, sounds like I need to take my own advice!”

    I appreciate your feedback. I’m working like crazy the next two days, but Friday is all mine. I’m making plans!

  247.  #247Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 11:09 pm


    What is “SA” in SA men? Are you a counselor?

    Not contacting is the hardest thing for me. I’ve made a lot of progress, but I still do it.

  248.  #248Daria on January 25, 2011 at 11:12 pm

    Nancy – can you please post the RR article or a link to it?

  249.  #249Daria on January 25, 2011 at 11:13 pm

    magic is the manipulation of energy

  250.  #250Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 11:15 pm

    Daria, LP already did. #145

  251.  #251Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    Brenda, SA = sexual addict or sexual addiction

  252.  #252Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    Magic is evil

    “Wicked” comes from a Latin root phoneme meaning, “Twisted”. Manipulation is all about twisting things. And I could go on, but I won’t…for now.

  253.  #253Brenda on January 25, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    Nancy, thanks!

  254.  #254Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 11:23 pm

    @ archerie

    Somewhere up there, you asked how I screen for sexual addiction. I’ve been thinking about how I do that. One way I do it is by sharing my relationship history and telling a man I’ve had a few dates with about my ex-husband and what happened. Just briefly. Then I say I don’t want another relationship like that. Guys will ask what I’m sensitive about, ask for more details, etc and a conversation often happens where they tell me what their experience has been and what they’re doing currently, ie with porn, strip clubs, etc. If I’m uncomfortable with it, I tell them. I’ve even had men tell me flat out that they’re sexually addicted and tell me their entire history of it… arrests, the whole 9 yards. Not every man will be honest about it, but it’s fair game to bring the subject up when asking those more sensitive, important questions as you get to know someone. We all have a right to feel comfortable with and know who we’re “in with”, as one therapist I’ve talked with about it says.

  255.  #255Nancy on January 25, 2011 at 11:25 pm

    You’re welcome, Brenda!

    Nitey nite, siren island!

  256.  #256LonePlum on January 25, 2011 at 11:27 pm

    About the wink, read towards the end of the article


  257.  #257Daria on January 25, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    The truth is…start FIRST with HEALING yourself…and for most of us this means getting rid of desperation and need –


    which shows itself in masculine energy things like initiating, working to make things happen, calling, and..yes…surfing through the men on and winking or emailing them.

    It RELIEVES our internal pressure when we DO stuff…which is why I’ve created so many Tools for your “boy” energy to use pro-actively that work FOR YOU, instead of against you, and give your “girl” energy a chance to shine.

  258.  #258Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:02 am

    magic is living energy

    manipulation was not my choice word

    i like “shifting” energy

    i don’t like being told magic is evil

    i don’t think you’d like being told Jes8us is evil Brenda

    i feel upset and hto and sweaty hands… it feels awful to feel so completely unseen

  259.  #259Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:03 am

    🙁 i believe in magic as beautiful love

    this feels so triggering and bad

    i feel like crying

    i feel so angry and helpless to be seen for the beauty of what i am

    i am magic

  260.  #260Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:05 am

    i feel like my heart is being stepped on over and over

    and like im shut out and sent to the guillotine with not a thought of kindness to my aliveness

    i feel ANGRY! this is not FAIR!!!

    i feel helpless


    that’s just not FAIR!! it’s not fair for me to see put down my deepest and most beautiful loving understanding of myself and what is

  261.  #261Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:05 am

    i feel so angry!

    how dare someone disrespect me so badly

    this is who i AM!!!


  262.  #262Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:06 am

    🙁 🙁 🙁

  263.  #263Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:06 am

    everyday i do magic

  264.  #264Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:07 am

    🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

  265.  #265Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 12:10 am

    I’m all about magic too Daria.

  266.  #266Lakshmi on January 26, 2011 at 12:12 am

    I think magic is beautiful!

  267.  #267Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:13 am

    thanks for writing lucy. i feel good to read that. i feel reassured

    i feel calmer and seen

  268.  #268Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:16 am


    yay! thanks guys!

    i’m feeling SO INTO this ebook right now im reading about alien races genetic manipulation and the past history of earth

    what’s cool is i thought i’d be dismissing it… but it’s all making a lot of sense

    in tune with the shows they’ve been airing on the Hisotry Channel about Egypt pyramids and the stone henges

    i’m interested in healing all with my goddess magic love

  269.  #269Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 12:25 am


    I feel sad that you feel attacked. I don’t want to attack you. I love you. I think very, very highly of you. I see you as a beautiful Siren who is growing rapidly, and who sometimes growls rapidly, too. 🙂 But I love you very much!

    Like you, I feel committed to speaking my truth, without making a special effort to please people. If you look up magic in Wikipedia, you will see that it is connected with the occult and witchcraft. That is the truth. I believe evil is most powerful when it pretends to be good.

    I believe in supernatural power. And I believe all supernatural comes from one source or the other. If it’s not from God, it’s from Satan.

    I have seen and experienced this up close and personal, and it’s left me feeling very strongly about it. One thing I never wrote on here before is that Ryan cast spells to get women to be attracted to him. He opened up his spirit and mind to be attacked by evil forces.

    I was personally attacked by evil through Ryan. Believe me, I have not posted half of what happened to me when I was with Ryan. It was horrible. I felt like I was face to face with evil, and I was directly, personally being attacked.

    What is your definition of magic?

    If you want to talk about fairies and fairy dust and beautiful, special things, I can accept that. I see much beauty and uniqueness in you, and I embrace that.

    Love, Brenda

  270.  #270Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 12:27 am

    in fact, “coincidentally,” just today i posted a cool video on my fb page – called “Mary’s Magic” – from The Secret Garden. Daria, are you on fb?

  271.  #271Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:53 am

    lucy yes i am, look for lilreddgirl dgirl

  272.  #272Daria on January 26, 2011 at 12:55 am

    magic is shifting energy

    while i don’t believe love spells are particularly evil – in fact, to me the tools are love spells,

    the ones that try to force someone are not really gonna work long term (like masculine energy to attract a man won’t)

    i believe magic is everything, that is, energy and the intentional shifting of it

  273.  #273Daria on January 26, 2011 at 1:09 am

    i know one “spell” putting period blood in food!


    (biologically that gets hormones and pheromones synching)

  274.  #274Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 1:28 am

    I heard one prophet who said God is ALWAYS talking to us…it’s just a matter of learning how to hear His voice! And He speaks to us most at night, when our spirits are more open. He was all into dream interpretation.

    Check this out. He was ministering once a month at the community center I went to while I was with Ryan. I brought him something for interpretation.

    Ryan offered to do dishes one night, something he rarely did. I figured it would do him good to do something in the physical realm for a change. Within a couple of minutes, he came to me with a bleeding hand. Apparently the demons caused him to break a glass to hurt himself. I bandaged him up and then pulled the pieces of the glass from the dishpan.

    The top part of the glass had broken off in a circle! It was as if a saw cut thru the top half inch or so, and the circle was unbroken! It freaked me out!

    I took it to the prophet, asking him what it meant. He said, “Oh, that’s easy. Glass typically represents the spiritual realm. A circle represents God. It means, ‘God is breaking through in the spiritual realm!’ THAT is a sign and THAT is a wonder!”

    I got goose bumps, and it happened right on the heels of another awesome sign and wonder! The night when Ryan and I spent the best day of my life in Atlantic City, mostly walking and talking, was the night he embraced me and said, “It is such a miracle when two souls find each other in this huge world! This is a divine friendship!”

    We both felt very intimate that day, and he stayed overnight, staying awake by my side while I slept off and on. I had a momentary vision of a dove landing on Ryan, and God’s voice saying, “This is my son, in whom I am well pleased!”

    I woke up with a start and instantly shared it with him! Then right after that, my parakeet landed on my chest, when I woke up (I had two and kept them loose in the apt). Never happened before or since! Ryan said, “It looks like He’s saying, “This is my daughter, in whom I am well pleased”, too!”

    And He was! It was instant confirmation of the vision I had just shared! It was within a week or two after this that the glass incident took place.

  275.  #275Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 1:42 am

    I feel most in my identity when the energy from God’s Spirit is operating directly in me and through me.

    “And if the Spirit of him who raised Je*sus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Chr*ist from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[a] his Spirit who lives in you.”

  276.  #276Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 2:38 am

    I just saw a program about miracles, where a doctor was taking a trip, when he saw a 9 year old boy hitch-hiking. He felt a strong sense that he should pick him up, even tho he normally didn’t pick up hitchhikers.

    When he asked the boy his name and where he was going, the boy didn’t speak. He just motioned with his head and hand to drive. When he wanted him to turn right at a Y, he grabbed the man’s shirt and pointed vehemently to the right.

    The doctor came up on a scene with tire marks and a bus tipped over off the road, with the doors jammed shut and injured children trapped inside. He called 9-1-1 then worked rapidly to free the children, treating them with his medical supplies in his doctor’s bag until ambulances arrived.

    The bus driver had had a heart attack, which had caused the accident. There was only one fatality. It was the little boy, the same little boy who had hitchhiked with him.

    He went back to his car, and there was the little boy’s hat in his car. He went to use his phone, and there was not even a dial tone, since he was in the mountains. Miraculously, he had called 9-1-1 just an hour or so before!

  277.  #277Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 3:12 am

    Oops, I stayed up all night again! Time to go to bed! But it was worth it catching that show on true stories of miracles!

    Miracles are living energy! What’s supernatural to us is natural to God!

  278.  #278Daria on January 26, 2011 at 4:44 am

    Wow that felt scary and empowering to read . Yay I .

    I will look within my body for answers. I will look to nature.

    I will share and soeak w the Earth.

    I will Honor my energy.

    Night I bless you grandmother.

  279.  #279Daria on January 26, 2011 at 4:45 am

    I am a miracle!

  280.  #280Daria on January 26, 2011 at 4:47 am

    I feel reverend of myself and womanness.

    Mysteries cones from mysta – Egyptian word for woman.

    Grandmother , I wish to sleep.

    Lay back and ribyour tummy. You are blessed.

  281.  #281Wonder Woman on January 26, 2011 at 6:56 am


    Yesterday I went to lunch with two of my best friends. All three of us have similar relationship histories of over functioning, being cheated on, single mums etc. Then two years ago one of them started dating a guy and as she was not that into him she kind of accidently fell into the Rori Raye behavour, leaned back and now has a great relationship. My other friend is very resistant to change. She is very flirty and forward and has been known to date married men or men with partners. She texts men all day long and initiates calls. I have tried to encourage her to follow a different way by looking here or borrowing her books but she told me she doesn’t believe in all that. I feel she is almost sarcastic and nasty when I talk about it.

    Anyway, during dinner I was telling them that I feel really positive about this year and that my self esteem is in a great place etc and I turned to my friend who has a good relationship and said I’m dropping the guys who don’t step up like hot potatos and my negative friend said “well maybe you need to lower your expectations…..that’s probably why you haven’t had sex for years” so I said that was my decision to abstain because I get emotionally attached and don’t see what is in front of me and also I don’t like sex without real love and then we all got into this debate with me and my friend who is happy trying to explain why boundaries work and my negative friend constantly turning it on me and saying I was talking rubbish and that relationships are what they are and you have to work at them because none are perfect and you give or they lose interest……..Aaaaaagh NO NO NO NO NO…..!! I was so triggered…!!

    I see my friend has terrible self esteem issues and she totally refuses to change. I feel she is jealous of my friend with the good relationship and always says she just found a good one as if it was all just luck. I wouldn’t mind so much if she just did her own thing but she tries to make out like I am the one who is in the wrong and refuses to acknowledge that you can have an easy going relationship. It’s like she is seeking out problems for herself. I don’t know how to be around her without getting triggered. Even worse when we are out and she see guys she likes she puts me down in front of them in order to attract attention to herself. I laugh it off usually or ignore her but while I am not feeling as good about myself as I used to it is difficult. I’m using it all to practice working on my triggers and I know I am right to stick with my boundaries. I guess this is about me learning to accept that I can’t change people.

  282.  #282Simply Shannon on January 26, 2011 at 7:17 am

    Daria, thank you for writing this…

    “The truth is…start FIRST with HEALING yourself…and for most of us this means getting rid of desperation and need.”

    *I* can only heal and control MYSELF. This is my fundamental truth. I show people who I am by my actions and my words. I show them a healthy relationship with men, women, money, J*sus, everything by showing them ME… the whole ME.

  283.  #283Simply Shannon on January 26, 2011 at 7:21 am

    Wonder Woman, I had the same lunch date with a girlfriend yesterday. I felt so happy and excited to see her but I sensed right away that she felt closed off or maybe suspicious of me. I dunno. I noticed it and yet I continued talking and telling her what’s going on with me. I wish now that I had stopped and said “I feel weird. The look on your face as I tell this story has me feeling odd. What do you think?”

    I’ll be having lunch with her again on Friday (just worked out that way). I’m planning to talk to her about it.

    I feel very grateful that I noticed my feelings. And I feel encouraged to share them. Otherwise this is going to fester for me and make me feel less enthusiastic about lunch with her. She is one of my closest friends, and I feel safe practicing with her.

    We shall see.

  284.  #284Darling Ella on January 26, 2011 at 7:46 am

    Wonder Woman #275 and Shannon #276:

    Oh my gosh, I am going through something similar with a supposedly close friend of mine…

    I have changed my views about relationships and my approach to creating one…thanks to Rori…and I feel turned off and annoyed by some of my friends…

    Two of them that I know have deep issues (just as I do)…said something similar to what your “negative” friend said…What is even more annoying is one of them thinks of herself as being such a hot potato…attention whore diva…and “positive” woman…it makes me sick…Yet, what I see…is aggressive behavior…dare not to contradict her cause she is ready to jump on u…also passive aggressive when she does not get what she wants…gossiping about people to make herself look better…talking about how better off she is financially over others…etc…

    I stepped back…and don’t say nothing to her no more…including about my personal life (i stopped about two months ago)…As a result, apparently she feels rejected for not being “in the loop”…and couple of days ago sent me a long and full of projective feelings message…how she no longer benefits from our friendship…cause i tend “to put her in her place” (well…she chose to post of my FB shit…) so she says…I felt so annoyed…and turned off…and pissed…I chose not to respond…and still thinking about if it’s worth it…

    Argh…I feel soooo triggered by her…

  285.  #285mcgirlygirl on January 26, 2011 at 7:55 am

    Feeling really stressed and sad this morning. Trying not to feel hopeless.

  286.  #286tinque on January 26, 2011 at 7:56 am

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  288.  #288Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 8:02 am

  289.  #289Simply Shannon on January 26, 2011 at 8:25 am

    Wonder Woman and Darling Ella, what I’m noticing is that I’m judging her for being who she is. I don’t want to do that. She’s not me. I can only heal myself. It did feel weird and bad that I sensed her closing off but instead of pushing her to listen and agree with my way of thinking, I want to know what’s going on with her. So I can know HER better. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing in my life because it feels good and right FOR ME. So what if she is suspicious and wants to look for angles that make it my life not her speed. It’s not her life. I’ll prove to myself the “rightness” of my way of thinking by bringing more joy into my life. Maybe when she sees that, then she’ll change her mind. 😉

    In particular she had some pretty steep resistance to the circular dating idea. “I don’t feel open to that at all.” So why did I choose to keep talking about it? I noticed it was to get her to try it. Right now I’d rather know why she doesn’t want to, simply because I want to know HER, not change her.

    I feel relaxed. I feel okay telling her my feelings because I value her friendship. It’s all good. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.

    Any of that resonate? Isn’t it the supreme irony that we were once just like them? Sitting in the dark of our over functioning self? 😉

    I want to be a shining star example of JOY.

    No words necessary. People will flock to me because they want to know how I achieved this joy. I won’t have to convince them of anything. They will want it for themselves.

  290.  #290Andi on January 26, 2011 at 8:40 am

    Good morning Sirens!

    SLV, Jacqueline, Brenda thank you all for the responses to first contact online (dating), they confirm my instincts..for now I will just let them contact first, but we’ll see 🙂 Also LonePlum, thank you for the link!

    @195: Gina I appreciate your thoughtfulness in sharing that…Thank you…. I love it here! (where is the blushing icon) xoxo And thank you for your support, I can see why your student would call you an angel!

    @ 200 Gina…I understand what you mean…I feel the same way. And I resonate with what you say as well 🙂 And I appreciate you sharing that about me, even when you didn’t have too…it truly made me feel so valued and understood. Comments like that people never forget, so thank you for being willing to say it. It makes us feel vulnerable to share things like that with other people, but when we do you never know how that one positive thing can help the person in ways you wouldn’t imagine…

  291.  #291Ella on January 26, 2011 at 8:41 am

    I have been feeling reasonably strong and positive all day…

    But now just starting to feel a lil sad.

    I think it is just cus I am realising that it can never be the same again with Mr B.

    And I miss him.

    Feels sad like achy heart.

    But I realise that it wasn’t real anyway… well not in any lasting form…

    But I still treasure the times we had.

    Who knows what the future holds… things can change on a dime, especially when events are based in truth, light and reality!

    But for now feel a lil melancholy and sad as I feel I lost him to the dark side!

    Oh and I think it is cus it is getting dark outside… normally he would be calling me soon.

    Still on path to the relationship I want.

    Hope that I am also being a good example to others…

    That thought could help me stay strong.

  292.  #292Andi on January 26, 2011 at 8:54 am

    @ 231 Nancy…

    Nancy said…
    Then, when they call, they talk and talk and talk me til I feel exhausted. I just spent almost an hour on the phone with a man waiting, waiting, waiting for him to get to the punchline…. and ask for a date. What’s left to talk about the first time we meet?!?
    Will someone just please send me a real man!?!


    Yes I understand what you mean! Do you know what I have done, I have actually said also that I prefer not to talk on the phone but to meet in person…and even after that I tell them I am not of a phone talker. I was nervous to draw that boundary, but like you, I feel the talking can be exhausting – and – it makes me feel bad. I want to feel good! And talking talking does not make me feel good right now. (And so does doing lots of email.) I tell them I am more of an in-person girl. What I have found is, some may grumble playfully, but they still do it if they are interested. This seems to be weeding many out. And, I think it may actually be producing some cream of the crop stand outs…so while I may feel insecure sometimes about that boundary, I am proud of me for being able to say no and say what I want (for a change!)

    Also, it may be easier for me to do this because I live in an area that is a rather large size city, and the pool of available men is huge. This is just what works right now for me…

    p.s. I believe this process sent me a ‘real man,’ who also happens to be a gentleman, among other nice things! 🙂 …as Rori has said ‘a different kind of animal’ – so I am just walking around him trying to figure him out, like he is the last unicorn or something! It is very interesting, we shall see!

  293.  #293Andi on January 26, 2011 at 8:55 am

    actually, I just say I am not a phone talker, and then leave it up to them if they want to suggest meeting…

  294.  #294Andi on January 26, 2011 at 8:56 am

    sorry, what I meant was also…after we meet in person, I tell them that I am still not a big phone talker or texter…

  295.  #295Andi on January 26, 2011 at 9:00 am

    This unicorn, he is very ambitious in life and goes after what he wants, I already know…the sights are on me…which makes me feel happy

    But I am nervous, because I want to keep CDing, and I have a feeling he will want to be exclusive quickly, which is soooo tempting…BUT I know its not what need right now. So I am not sure what I will say to him, and I afraid I will lose him if I do…I have always been a man/people pleaser so this will be a big test. I also know he is a good man, and the real deal…

    Any advice?

    Thank you all!

  296.  #296Darling Ella on January 26, 2011 at 9:01 am

    Simply Shannon # 283:

    Beautiful insights…indeed I am judging her…I don’t want to…I want to vent though…As I write, I kinda figure my thought process…and hopefully I can heal that part of me…

    A couple of times, I expressed my feelings to her as being dismissed, unheard, and hurt by her actions behind my back…She literally told me I made assumptions…I believe her “talks”and “comments” about me further strained the relationship with two former friends…She didn’t have my back…because it would go against her “popularity” agenda…So, I feel as our journey is at a point of an end…yet, I no longer seek closure for some weird reason…

  297.  #297Andi on January 26, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Ella, I understand the sad achy feeling in your heart…I have it, for someone I love and may never see again…

    I just want you to know you are an encouragement to me here! And that you are not alone…

  298.  #298Andi on January 26, 2011 at 9:06 am

    @ Ella 285

    Ella said:

    Oh and I think it is cus it is getting dark outside… normally he would be calling me soon.

    Still on path to the relationship I want.


    Oh..I understand that feeling…the time of day in the evening when they would normally call… 🙁

    and I am still on my path too. We can walk together!

  299.  #299Andi on January 26, 2011 at 9:08 am

    235: Nancy

    Thank you Nancy. You know the few times I have made first contact none of them responded, so I felt bad 🙁 and I quit! cuz it made me feel bad. But I may try again, not sure

  300.  #300Turtle Girl on January 26, 2011 at 9:11 am


    The only thing evil is other peoples intentions IMHO.
    As far as the occult-well if you look up occult in the dictionary it just means something hidden. So I guess that applies to a lot of stuff!

    Plus it really makes me wonder about stuff like the Christian god turning water into wine-hmmmm like magic!

    Brenda your posts from time to time feel so dogmatic and I really wish you would keep your religious views to yourself. We sirens here have a lot more to worry about with our men problems without religion being used against us. There are many truths and we each have a right to them.
    Many other sirens on here are Christian but I have never heard one of them make the kind of statements you do.

    Telling anyone their belief is evil feels pretty harsh to me. I know Daria can defend herself, but the fact that she has to isn’t cool. I believe Rori has said something about this to you before, so please can you not do this kind of thing? I say this with love not anger, but nevertheless I don’t like seeing that here.

  301.  #301Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 9:29 am

    Can someone please help me. Is it only me or does anyone else feels the words “I feel unheard or dismissed” suggests the hearer/listener is being dismissive. I feel blamed being told “you are making assumptions” to the point of telling me to “shut up”. It feels judgmental, harsh and completely shuts me down. I imagine an angry person in my head telling me that and how their energy is pushing out towards me and it feels scary. Also is “unheard” a feeling? Can someone try putting themselves in the other person’s shoe receiving such criticism, because that is how I experience it, and see what the hearer’s experience might be?

  302.  #302Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 9:29 am

    I’m rethinking whether to contact guys on CL and online dating sites. The two Rori posts that LP linked to suggest that any first contact might change our vibe in a less attractive way although in the OK Cupid post the idea was not an outright “no.”

    Since I’m working on me first, CDing myself and adding in a little practice with guys I know, scouting the ads and dating sites works well for that. If I’m feeling a little “attached”… scouting the ads helps adjust my perspective from one of scarcity to abundance of guys…even in my limited pool there are numbers of them! Just knowing there will be guys out there when I’m ready is helpful.

    I haven’t answered any ads yet and I still have not ruled it out; I’m pondering it as I am other things….

    Hmmm, maybe do a test? Has anyone done this? Responded to ads and compared the resulting dates? I believe I mentioned this some time ago, still wondering.


  303.  #303Pamelala on January 26, 2011 at 9:35 am


    When I read “I feel unheard and dismissed,” I experience, also, as leaning forward. My interpretation, which could definitely be incorrect, is, “I need something from you and I’m not getting it. You should change your behavior to satisfy me.”

    This isn’t referring, at all, to any particular post. It’s just my experience.

    I wonder if it wouldn’t feel more honest to say, “I feel misunderstood. That makes me sad. I wonder if there is anything you need from me in order to provide clarification. Either way, though, I give up my expectations of how I believe you should respond to me.” Much of that, for me would not be spoken, but really just a question to myself.

    Hope that makes sense.

  304.  #304Lorelei on January 26, 2011 at 9:36 am

    From one of Rori’s recent email letters:

    “I’ll tell you briefly what DOESN’T connect to him.

    When you tell a man about what you think about the relationship, or what you did that day, or what
    you think of the latest news you’ve read or the
    gossip at work, he listens. He participates in the
    conversation. But his feelings aren’t triggered.

    And so chatter on about your life, but leave out
    the one part that would drop you suddenly into
    intimacy. EMOTIONS.

    You share everything but who you are.You put up walls with him without even knowing
    you’re doing it. You decide not to tell him the
    sorrow you felt that morning about something. You
    omit admitting how the spring air made you feel
    alive and free when you went for a walk at

    Or…you actually don’t even pay attention to your
    own emotions. You’re too busy with your to-do
    lists and tasks and with the chatter of everyone
    else around you in your life. You worry a lot. You
    make plans in your head for the next moment, the
    next day, or the weekend.

    But if you were to allow yourself to FEEL what
    you’re feeling, and then speak from those
    feelings, you would make him feel safe and
    connected to you.”

    All good stuff! But I have a question that comes from my current circumstances. I am separated and divorcing. This week the house is put up for sale, and my EX is collecting his half of the furniture etc in a few weeks time. I’m feeling very stressed about this, handling the physical house sale and the emotional fall-out by myself. I feel sad, lonely, and fearful about whether I will be able to find a new place to live in. And I have phantom limb pain from my amputated marriage.

    But . . do I share these feelings with CDs? I have no idea how much to share, if anything, of the ongoing ‘stuff’ around my separation . . When I’ve had a bad day, as yesterday and today, what would Sirens do?

    I would be afraid to share too much of this kind of thing, in case it is off-putting and too much about the old relationship . . . But sometimes, it wouldn’t be authentic to pretend everything is happy and hunky dory.

    Right now, I have a big pool of tears stored in the pit of my stomach – it feels as if they are there, anyway. But if a CD phones, would I say so?

  305.  #305Questioneer on January 26, 2011 at 9:40 am

    Sleek…he is not a flowery talker – he just “IS” – he does not have to “say” – there are no ornate proclamations of love or feelings. But, I feel safe, secure, happy. Good. He is also quiet and tall and exotic and slender. I can’t quite figure him out. And I WANT.

    I slept on his bed, a huge strong bed…he slept downstairs…the best I could do. Couldn’t make myself leave. And I felt safe.

    If he pushes I will no longer feel safe, secure or happy. Or Good. I have to be careful, it’s too early.

  306.  #306Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 9:42 am

    @295: Femininewoman says:
    “…Can someone please help me. Is it only me or does anyone else feels the words “I feel unheard or dismissed” suggests the hearer/listener is being dismissive….
    Also is “unheard” a feeling? Can someone try putting themselves in the other person’s shoe receiving such criticism, because that is how I experience it, and see what the hearer’s experience might be?…”

    Well, since you asked. I think that “feeling unheard” is similar to “feeling ‘words suggest’ ” I believe these are states of mind, thoughts, ideas, conclusions, beliefs or other things that involve things other than our emotions.

    But there are people who swear they can “feel” when their neighbor is planning a trip or their dog is peeing in the flower garden because he (the dog) is mad at them. I do not believe these are feelings.

    Just my humble opinion.


  307.  #307Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Re 297 Thanks Pamelala for responding. That is how my brain interprets it. Thanks also for the suggestion I will play with it a bit to see how I can get it to work for me. Appreciate that.

  308.  #308Lorelei on January 26, 2011 at 9:45 am

    Femininewoman @ 295

    Re: “Is it only me or does anyone else feels the words “I feel unheard or dismissed” suggests the hearer/listener is being dismissive.”

    I relate to this as well. Had it today in phone convo with Ex – I was trying to tell him that I had done something he asked me to, but it was like he couldn’t hear/believe me, and kept questioning me about the various stages to getting this thing done.

    I feel unheard could so easily be heard as “you are not hearing me . . ”

    What about . .
    I feel invisible (if the person is in front of you)
    I feel unnoticed . .
    I feel I need to turn my volume up . . (more a think than a feel)
    I feel helpless . . (him: Why? us: Because I just said x, but it is as if I had not spoken)

    I don’t feel part of this conversation . . .
    I don’t feel included in this conversation . . . I don’t want that, I want to feel included . .

  309.  #309Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 9:52 am

    Re 300 SLV Thanks for the examples which to me are intution at work. In such cases I use the words “my intution or my sense is”. I might be wrong and am open to others sharing their experience.

  310.  #310Turtle Girl on January 26, 2011 at 9:52 am

    What I feel when I say I feel unheard is that basically what I had to say did not matter. I feel ignored, discounted, invisible, inconsequential.

    When I feel unheard I used to turn it up and sometimes that escalated to yelling.

    But I don’t do that now. Yelling feels awful and you still don’t get heard. xxoo

  311.  #311Pamelala on January 26, 2011 at 9:59 am


    I experience those “feelings” of knowing what others are doing, thinking, intending as well, but I think it is because I have the spiritual gift of empathy. They, you’re right, they aren’t realling feelings. It’s more of an internal knowing or a physical sensation…my body is telling me something and I pray about it and get a message. If it is something that I need to talk to someone about, and I have to do that A LOT with my clients, I say something like, “I my gut is telling me X…does that make any sense to you?” or “I get the sense that you are feeling X…does that fit your experience?” Or sometimes, I’ll just say, “Hmm, I sense that there’s something deeper going on, what do you think that could be?”

    Sometimes I feel like intuition is a curse….like when I knew every time a guy I was dating exclusively was playing around on an online dating site. Ugh, kick in the gut is what that ‘felt’ like.

  312.  #312Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 10:00 am

    @303: Femininewoman says:

    “…Re 300 SLV Thanks for the examples which to me are intution at work. In such cases I use the words “my intution or my sense is”. I might be wrong and am open to others sharing their experience…”

    My thinking is in some situations expressed as “feelings” there is thought input, sometimes little, sometimes much. Sometimes there is guessing. We are all complicated creatures and rely on what we already know to experience the next batch of “incoming…”


  313.  #313Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 10:04 am

    From your examples I like “I feel helpless”. Where did I read that men respond negatively to our “thinking” messages/statements maybe Christian Carter.

    Can this be a lesson for us ” feel helpless . . (him: Why? us: Because I just said x, but it is as if I had not spoken)”. Lesson being that if a person’s viewpoint is acknowledged somehow it could change things for us. In this situation maybe something like “I feel helpless but do you have an underlying concern that I might not be hearing or maybe what is the underlying concern”?

  314.  #314Andi on January 26, 2011 at 10:14 am

    298: Lorelei


    At this point in your separation you are going through a very vulnerable and emotional time – especially with the house, etc. I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I remember how I felt during that point in my separation…honestly I felt terrified for the first time in my life. It can be very scary, and painful…

    About the CDs? What would Sirens do? Well, I can tell you what I did…

    I became deeply connected to a man who was also separated while I was going through mine…I felt safe and cared for by him – so I shared all of my feelings. But he did not live in the area, and I did not have the support of my family, so I felt very isolated. This sharing made me become intensely bonded to man who I was really in an imaginary relationship with. So although it gave me some temporary relief, in the long run it kept me bonded to him longer than was maybe best for either one of us (I am now divorced, he is still stuck in his separation.)

    What would I do now, knowing better? I think it would have been better to seek out as many women as possible for comfort and emotional support – family, church, women mentors, friends. And I would tell any man I was involved with very little…I may say, I am feeling sad right now, there is a lot going on with me, but I would avoid seeking dialog or support from someone I had a romantic interest in. Bonding with one man in that way stopped me from dating other men, and that was a huge mistake on my part.

    If you don’t have women friends or family close by, I have discovered women’s groups that get together for lunch, or read books, or do hobbies together, etc. on It has been a life saver for me, along with my best girl friend, this website, and now my family.

    Best of wishes to you…

  315.  #315Soul Sista on January 26, 2011 at 10:21 am

    ladies ~ regarding feeling unheard and stuff, something the guy i love said to me tell me what you WANT like “i want some attention” or ” i want more attention.”

    he said if you do that i will say, “oh, i better do that right now!”


  316.  #316Questioneer on January 26, 2011 at 10:22 am

    @ Rori

    Thank you for your response! I was able to tell him that I felt weird picking where to go for his birthday and he said ok and picked a place! AND later we got to snuggle on the sofa too. Win Win! Yay!

  317.  #317Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 10:28 am

    Re 305 Pamelala that is what I do also and if it helps any Christian Carter actually encourages women to use their intuition more. I also recently did an Emotional Intelligence workshop and the way you phrase your questions is the way the facilitator encouraged us to do it, including “I would like to create the space for you to share if there is somethign deeper going on”. What I experienced was that others shared that they felt safe to share personal things because that felt like an invitation rather than an attack. I also have to admit that I felt a rather calming, relaxed atmosphere when she did that because of the tone of her voice and the actual words themselves. Thank you for sharing that.

  318.  #318Lorelei on January 26, 2011 at 10:30 am

    Andi @ 308

    Hi – and thanks for a clear perspective . . with a LD CD (WAveMan), I have probably shared a bit too much already – partly because he contacted me one time when I was feeling upset and vulnerable . . . I have an increasingly uneasy feeling that HE thinks we are in some kind of relationship, especially since then . . he is kind and supportive . . but I am really aware that this is not a relationship, just a LD dating thing . .

    I really like the idea of briefly saying “I feel sad right now, a lot is happening . .” and add “I don’t want to go into detail.”

    Thank you.

  319.  #319Andi on January 26, 2011 at 10:31 am

    @ Soul Sista

    Sounds like an awesome guy! I will need to add this to my check list – “guy must be great enough to remind me to tell him what I really want! And then do it when I tell him!” (You mean these guys actually exist?) lol


    Hope you are feeling better!

  320.  #320Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 10:32 am

    Re 309 That is great coming from a male perspective because it gives him information that he can use so he does not have to be reading your mind. Also for me that is leading in a direction that he wants the dance to go in. Though we have be mature and carefully balance what we want understanding that we might not always get it.

  321.  #321Pamelala on January 26, 2011 at 10:33 am

    I like the image of “creating a space”….like fertile ground.

    On another note, I just found out that I have an interview on Friday morning to be a residential therapist at a domestic violence safehouse. This would be an answer to prayer as being in private practice hasn’t created the income that I need to get the take care of myself.

    I would appreciate your prayers, positive thoughts and energy. I am resting in the assurance that I am good at what I do and have goodness to offer the world and hoping that they see it as well.

  322.  #322Soul Sista on January 26, 2011 at 10:40 am

    yes andi & feminine ~ he is THAT amazing! and this came up in conversation after i had coaching with tinque…she is AMAZING and i highly recommend her!

    i am taking this very slow…i did a lot of damage when i was a neurotic, insecure drunk and he still loves me. i know there are no guarantees but it’s helping me heal and face my insecurities.

  323.  #323PrairieGirl on January 26, 2011 at 10:44 am

    I feel like a hypocrite. I’ve been writing a blog about belief, and energy (pre RR) and RR has just added to my learning… and my hopeful romantic beliefs…but today…..

    I HATE men… I HATE the way they think.. I HATE the games they play and we just accept and try to figure out or work around.. Really? Seriously?

    I swear to gingerbread I don’t give a flying rat’s a$$ if I ever see/talk to/meet another g@d dam@d fu$king one of them!!!!

    I don’t want to DATE! I don’t want to play mind games with myself which is what I feel like I’m doing when I have to tell myself = I won’t like you or else you’ll disappear.. so I’ll make sure I have an address book full of men who BORE ME TO TEARS just so I don’t get attached to anyone. I want to fall in love but I don’t dare do that or he’ll run away!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!?????

    I repeat… WTF??????

    Why? What on Earth is the purpose of this crap?

    I began to be triggered yesterday, but today all I can think of is WHY? Why pursue me, woo me, when I don’t give a rat’s a$$ but the SECOND you get my heart, attention… POOF… GONE… and now here I sit trying to learn how to not get hurt… NOW I’m trying to deal with the fact that I am beginning to HATE men.

    I was the most HOPEFUL romantic on the planet.. believing in Mr. Right…That he really exists even though I’m 46 and divorced twice w/heart broken more times than I can count… I was still hopeful…trying to learn to control my beliefs, thoughts, energy… improving myself… for WHAT????? For these worthless hunter, game playing, pieces of crap????


    I went on my CD yesterday and I was angry all the way to the restaurant.. I don’t want that type of man. I know what I want, he’s not it, but I went because they’re ALL messengers, ALL lessons right? BS.

    He had not one thing to show me/tell me except that I don’t want a depressed, scrawny, man. Gee, think I already KNEW that! I was nice, pleasant, friendly.. said at the end that I’d be glad to visit but that I didn’t know about going out again.

    So should I not have accepted the date? What?

    I am tired of playing games which is what dating feels like to me.

    I walked in the restaurant and walked past 2 tables of men that I’d waited on (in the little cafe I waitress in one day a week) the day before. Joking w/one that I wasn’t his waitress today, and he pretended to complain and get me to wait on him. Saw my cousin’s husband at a table and when I waved my CD stood up from the table behind so I headed that way joking w/my cuz in law…

    In telling this to my other cousin she summed “so basically you had more fun visiting w/people in the restaurant then w/your date” I said yes…

    I want to take my online profiles down.

    I don’t want to go on one more CD.

    I feel afraid that if I do quit trying/dating that I am going to become one of those bitter women that hates men and has no life except for her kids.

    I feel lonely and sad, but no longer willing to be hurt or disappointed…

    WTF was the purpose of someone like Smooth Cowboy (heard from him twice last week but nothing for a week now) hunting me down until he got laid? It’s NOT just him.. it’s the majority of men… I don’t need this in my life. I don’t need men pretending they are looking for the same thing I am until they get me and then disappearing..

    I’m sorry but I’ve had enough heart break.

    I wish something or someone could talk me out of this.

    I am afraid I’m going to sink into such negativity if I go this route, but I am so tired of the game I can’t bear it.


  324.  #324Andi on January 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

    312: Lorelei

    You’re welcome Lorelei 🙂

    You know the irony is that I first started using feeling messages (spontaneously) with this man that I loved through my divorce, and even now…it was a good thing…I had never used them before. But it was natural with him. Funny how things are, turn out. Miss him… cry 🙁

    I am very happy for you that you are giving yourself some room to examine what is best for you right now 🙂

  325.  #325Andi on January 26, 2011 at 10:47 am

    oh I cry over him… 🙁

  326.  #326Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 10:49 am

    RE 317 My heart goes out to you but give compassion to yourself and to how you feel. Do you also feel life is a game?

  327.  #327Andi on January 26, 2011 at 10:49 am

    oh how i have weeped over that man

  328.  #328Andi on January 26, 2011 at 10:51 am

    one month ago today, gone. but look at how things have changed

  329.  #329Soul Sista on January 26, 2011 at 10:51 am

    prairiegirl ~ HUGS. this is real pain you are feeling and i get it!

    i took a few days off cd’ng, took my CL ad down, i was sick so it gave me a good excuse, but during those days i got more clear on the dates i’m going to accept. and weirdly, when i posted again i got 2 really good ones! i don’t know what’s gonna happen but it made me feel better 🙂 that was just this morning.

    when it starts feeling that bad i just take a little time off and it gives me perspective that i’m just using it to heal and the man i love may come back to me or a new man may fall from the sky. xoxoxo

  330.  #330Andi on January 26, 2011 at 10:54 am


    I understand…

  331.  #331Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 10:56 am

    @317: PrairieGirl

    What if?

    What if there is some guy out there who is feeling and thinking just as you are right now? And he would like to meet someone just like you. But he doesn’t know you exist…and he probably thinks that you don’t exist.

    Maybe you could take a break and have some fun, the kind of fun you described. And when you are feeling better see if you can be out there for the guy that wants to find you.


  332.  #332PrairieGirl on January 26, 2011 at 10:57 am

    320 -FW

    No I really don’t feel like life is a game… I feel like you get what you put into it, for the most part…I am a very positive upbeat person. I am the kind of person who goes into a public restroom and comes out w/a new best friend.

    I feel like life is what you make it, look for the positive that’s what you’ll see. I feel taken care of by the Universe/God, even through serious challenges. That is why it is SO hard to deal w/things not being “straight forward” with men… I am all about say what you mean/mean what you say.. and use the corresponding expression for the corresponding emotion…

    I don’t flirt w/date/chase someone just prove I can “get them” and that is what I feel is the WHOLE motivation/personality of men… So which came first the belief or the chicken? I’ve tried to work on THAT having that belief about men what makes my experience of men that way… I’d say a big YES, but I’ve tried to change the belief and the experience stays the same!!!!! ARRRHH!

    Thank you so much for responding…I’m just so frustrated and sad today.

  333.  #333Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 10:59 am

    @323: Soul Sista says:
    “…when it starts feeling that bad i just take a little time off and it gives me perspective that i’m just using it to heal and the man i love may come back to me or a new man may fall from the sky…”

    Yeah! I’m having a whole week of “perspective adjustment.” 😉

    That “men falling from the sky” sounds pretty good! How do I get some of that! 😀


  334.  #334tinque on January 26, 2011 at 10:59 am

    Prairie Girl – I feel your pain and frustration. You seem to be deeply in low time; stuff is being triggered; your energy is being sapped;s maybe your hormones are affecting your mood (they play an enormous role and sometimes you have no clue).

    This may sound trite, but it’s true. These feeling will pass. You WILL feel better. Feel these feelings of darkness as deeply as you can. This allows them space to flow through you. Resisting them perpetuates them.

    I wouldn’t suggest writing off Smooth Cowboy just yet. Men tend to operate on a completely different timetable than we do. He may be so preoccupied with his stuff he may not even realize a week has passed. And a week is NOT very long in boy time.

    Men function best when they can deal with one box at a time (task, subject, person). They need to put the one they are presently in away first before they can even think of dealing with another. Maybe SC is immersed in one so deeply, nothing else exists right now.

    And if he has indeed bolted, there truly are many wonderful others to take his place. This dating thing is really a numbers game, and yes it can be hugely stressful and frustrating. But I really believe that your “the one” is out there just waiting for you to show up in his life.


  335.  #335Andi on January 26, 2011 at 11:01 am


    I have crests of emotion like that too, and at the time I don’t feel like it will subside. It is horribe to be in that place…but I believe the crest of the wave will subside. I believe it for you.

    That does not make it better right now, I know…my heart aches for you because I know how you feel because I am often in the same place…hugs to you…

  336.  #336Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 11:04 am

    @326: PrairieGirl:

    I’m sending a hug vibe your way. I had a lovesick day yesterday but back on track today. I took a couple of walks yesterday, really helps me keep in touch with myself. The weather is cold here; it felt very good.

    I hope you will feel better soon and for me, I do not mind saying some things out loud when I am in my alone private time and I turn on the music too. Music is helpful.

    Hang in there…


  337.  #337Andi on January 26, 2011 at 11:08 am

    Have you ever had a man say…I will take care of it.

    And you know he will. You know he can, you know he does.

    God what a good feeling.

    Yes, I take care of myself. But to hear him say it…to want to do it…

    I keep hearing him say it…

  338.  #338Femininewoman on January 26, 2011 at 11:09 am

    Re 326 PrarieGirl What works for me is prayer and meditation. So while I send hugs and positive vibrations your way I will do what works for me and pray for you.

    Remember you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here. No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Remember challenges also help us to grow.

  339.  #339PrairieGirl on January 26, 2011 at 11:09 am

    #325 SLV

    It’s that very “what if” that has been carrying me the past few months…

    My special angel friend & cousin (who’s been blissfully married for 28 yrs last week) keeps telling me that she knows there’s a man out there that will be so good to me it will make up for the 12 years of misery I had w/my ex. She says that she’ll “carry” that knowing for me until I can know if for myself. It’s the hope that she’s right that has kept me positive… but I just don’t believe it anymore. I am in such a funk over this…

    Every other area of my life.. solid ground appears out of thin air as I step, except this area. Literally, yesterday I told God that I’m on my last customer project I needed more work, and my phone rang an hour later w/another job.

    The house I live in… everything… except my love life. I obviously need to heal something here.

    I disabled my OKcupid account but my cowboy account is paid for for about 50 more days… I just can’t make myself take that one down it feels too final/hopeless…. but I won’t be paying the membership fee again.

    Thank you for responding.

    I feel like you guys are safe to share this with and won’t judge me as hypocritical since I’ve been such a positive cheerleader for love up til now.

    I feel safe sharing here. Thank you all very much.


  340.  #340Andi on January 26, 2011 at 11:11 am

    OMG I am going to melt melt melt…

  341.  #341Andi on January 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

    Only weeks into CD and I am going to fail! Waaaa!

  342.  #342Soul Sista on January 26, 2011 at 11:17 am

    327 SLV the man i love right now fell from the sky..on FACEBOOK the friggin’ thorn in my side!

    i NEVER flirt on FB. i just happened to be joking around on a lady’s page and this guy who i thought was a jackass posted something and i posted back. and he msgd me asked me do i work with these people on music…

    6 months later after starting to work with him to check him out we became close friends…then we fell in love. and i pretty much thought he was a jackass up until the day i fell in love with him.

    i wasn’t ready for a relationship at the time but it did happen like that and i’m hoping we can patch things up.

  343.  #343PrairieGirl on January 26, 2011 at 11:18 am

    OMG Tinque this made me laugh out loud… while crying, but still…

    “And a week is NOT very long in boy time.”

    Thank you for your wise words and your hope.

    Thank you all for your hugs, positive thoughts and words…

    I’m going to just let myself “feel” this so it will pass and not get stuck. Sharing it here is helps…

    Thank you again.

    Angels on your bodies.

  344.  #344Lori on January 26, 2011 at 11:19 am

    PG, ew #317

    Oh but this is part of it. The sucky part, but part of it. I feel like when you get to this horrible low point while CDing, it means you are not dating/loving yourself enough, and that’s why some bad dates with men I like to call “energy vampires” can drain so much out of you. I’ve been through this many times in the past 2 years CDing. When this happens, take a break from CDing and do things with your girlfriends, with your children, with yourself. I started doing a once a week “date night” with my 2 favorite men, my sons, in place of dates with men. We’d go to dinner, and then the movies or go play laser tag or something like that. I found it replenished my energy, I got to bond with my choldren and I forgot all about the bad dates and toxic men who had been draining my energy. My vibe shifted and sure enough, a better crop of men would start showing up. Oh, you’ll still get some bad ones no matter how long you do it, but they get better as a whole as you go through the process.

    A simple rule of thumb is when it starts to feel bad, it’s time to take a break.

    Hugs to you and congratulations on being able to get in touch with your anger and let it out on here. That’s a sbig a part of healing as anything else!

  345.  #345Lori on January 26, 2011 at 11:22 am

    I meant “RE #317”, not “EW” LOL

  346.  #346Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 11:24 am

    @333: PrairieGirl

    You’re lucky! And you’ve just offered proof! I think your cousin is right. And there is a guy out there, probably a whole lot of guys who are right for you.

    In a day or so you could be feeling different. I think you will be feeling differently.

    Self care and things to make us happy help get us through “the wave” of low feeling.

    I also go on a new online dating site, just to see what’s there. I am now rethinking my idea to contact a few…however, I find just looking and seeing that there are guys out there is helpful to adjusting my perspective. Just my opinion.


  347.  #347Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 11:27 am

    @336: Soul Sista says:

    ..327 SLV the man i love right now fell from the sky..on FACEBOOK the friggin’ thorn in my side!”’

    Oops… then I’d better carry an umbrella… 😀


  348.  #348life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 11:35 am

    I have been using two on-line dating sites.

    I met jung-guy on on of them. Neither of us has hidden our profile yet.

    I had hidden my profile on the other one, but a man recently found me and wrote to me anyway, and then, for some reason, I unhid my profile.

    i didn’t know jung-guy was on there. Apparently, I was then sent to him as one of his good matches. He wrote to me. I was blindsided by that. It felt weird to me, but it was also kind of cute, because of what he wrote. He was wooing me.

    When we got together again, I said I was curious about why he hadn’t hidden his profiles on the dating sites.

    He replied, well you are still on them too.

    Kind of like the old, “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” kind of thing.

    So, I’m supposed to pull the plug first ?

    But, he then said he has “friends” on there. OK, fine.
    But what does that really mean? And it seems kind of like a mind game when men get on dating sites and say they are looking for friends, activity partners, short term long term, etc. A way to cover all the bases, like, oh by the way, we may be workout partners, but hey, if you ever feel like having sex….i mean, what are MOST men doing on dating sites? They are looking for relationship and sex. With sex in first place.

    I don’t know why I stop asking for clarification or discussing something until I am satisfied I have enough information. I think I have a fear of appearing needy.

    I can’t tell him what to do, and I don’t want to get into the suspicion and jealousy rut.

    Meanwhile, I had a nice first meeting with another guy, and he asked me out again for this weekend.

    jung-guy still has some problems making plans in advance. even though he knows that I like that and it helps me stay organized.

    so good. if he asks me out for saturday, i’m already booked. maybe that is how he will learn.

    I would SO rather not to have to do it that way.

    I would SO like to give it a good try with one guy at a time.

    I also feel that they have a really hard time wrapping their minds around us really being that into them if we are still dating around, even if we do what we can not to put the pressure on and have talked about “no girlfriend” status.

    It’s going to be difficult for me to get all wild and woolly sexually outside of a committed love relationship. I am NOT looking forward to telling him this. I’ve discovered I’m not yet so comfortable with being very vulnerable.

    I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I am feeling as if I am in a catch-22 place and what came first, the chicken or the egg place,

    because I don’t know if he is not stepping up enough because he doesn’t know if I am that into him, or because he is not that into me.

    I’m concerned, because I don’t want to see it die because of something I am not seeing.


    My friends said he looks very smitten with me.

  349.  #349Ella on January 26, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Re 285 –

    Just realised what I wrote re being example for others may have been misconstrued…

    Wasn’t thinking of to people on here… you guys already have it down!… thinking more of others in the outside world (like Mr B) and of hopefully being an example of how to be strong, have boundaries and make healthy choices.

    I was hoping that by me doing this maybe someone somewhere would notice and feel inspired one day.

    It has happened to me… in fact recently I have been thinking a lot about the strong women I know and how they deal with situations like this…

    In particular one woman I used to know who had very high self esteem… I tend to think about how she would handle things when I am feeling shaky or urge to overfunction…

    And it helps!

  350.  #350Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    Soul Sista – “…we became close friends…then we fell in love.”

    I feel very curious about this!

    Rori says men don’t go from “friends” to being in love.

    (Although I myself have also experienced the phenomenon. :))

    What do you — and other Sirens — think about this?


  351.  #351Ella on January 26, 2011 at 12:12 pm


    Thank you for your lovely, beautiful and poetic post about me!

    It made me feel happy and free.



  352.  #352Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 12:13 pm

    Ella, you are an inspiration and an example for women on the blog as well! Truly you are. <3

  353.  #353Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 12:19 pm

    Turtle Girl,

    RE: #294 – Let me see if I understand correctly: It’s ok if Daria talks about witches, spells, magic, and other gods to her heart’s content, but it’s not ok for me to talk about the power of God, signs and wonders, and miracles?

    What I hear you saying is it’s cool to talk about dark power but not about light power. I have an issue with that.

  354.  #354Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    yes that’s it

  355.  #355Ella on January 26, 2011 at 12:27 pm

    Is it normal that I really wish he would text me ven though I know I will not have a relationship with him?

    I just feel sad not to hear a peep from him.

    I mean he lied so badly, I am suprised that he would not try to apologise.

    I feel confused about this.

    Hate it when a person features in my life as an important person one minute and then is totally gone from my life the next!

    I was the last person to send a text yesterday, after the drama on Monday noght when he was wasted and I left. He asked me if it was over… I said yes… this was in the midst of me trying to leave and feeling angry…

    Yesterday my text just said that I would not have a relationship with him and I felt angry at being lied to but that I would support him if he chose to face this and go for help.

    I always just feel weird when suddenly someone is gone.

    Even though I get that closure is a pointless idea anyway…

  356.  #356Simply Shannon on January 26, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Haha! PrairieGirl, you’re my twin sista today! I feel the same way! I’m in the what I like to call the “OVER IT” category. I feel tired of dating taking up so much of my life. Or maybe better choice of words, I feel tired of the process of dating taking up so much of my time. I’ve really been considering just taking a huge break from all of this and only do what I love and feels good. If I meet men out, then fine but otherwise, I’m taking an extended ManFast.

    I’ve been visualizing a lot about what my life would look like if I didn’t have all “this” to deal with. Wow. Eye opening how much time I spend thinking about dating and then dating itself. Yikes. Is that really how God wants me spending my time? I don’t think so. What am I getting out dating? Not feeling alone, busyness.

    Ok, I wanna flip this around. I’m getting to meet interesting people (sometimes anyway). I’m getting to go on adventures (if dinner conversation counts – hmm. Ok, just so so on that one. lol!) I’m getting clear on what I want and don’t want in my life. I’m getting the opportunity to meet the man of my dreams. I’m learning about myself. (I actually do more of that here on this blog than I do on real dates. 🙂 )

    Still feeling resistance. I don’t feel motivated to date. I want to feel known, seen, wanted. I’m just not getting that need met by the guys I’m currently meeting online. And yet I’m not really meeting men in my every day life.

    I intend to interact and feel more open in my every day life. Ok, I want to feel open to lots of high quality men in my life. Hear me God! This is my plea!

  357.  #357Pamelala on January 26, 2011 at 12:51 pm

    Brenda, At the risk of misunderstanding..which I hope doesn’t happen. I would like to give some constructive feedback if you’re open to it. If not, just skip this post.

    I am a fellow Christian and have much of the same beliefs and value system as you do. However, I feel really uncomfortable when I see other Christians attack someone for having different beliefs. I don’t believe your intent was to attack, but using words like evil are experienced by the receiver as attacking.

    If our goal, as Christians, is to be a light and our directive is to love then we have to be careful with our words. If our goal is to draw others to Christ, causing them to feel attacked isn’t the way to go about it.

    Personally, I believe that if God intends to draw someone to Himself, then He will. My job is to love and accept people where there are….no matter where they are. In fact, I feel much more comfortable with people of differing faiths because I find them to embody love more than many of the Christians I know (but not all, thankfully!).

    My perception is that Daria was talking about her beliefs in a public forum and felt attacked for doing so. I have seen you talk about your beliefs here, as well, without getting attacked. I think it is when we come across as having all the answers, “I am right, you are wrong. I am good, you are bad. I am light, you are darkness.” That is when people start to ask you to ‘zip it’.

    I mean this in all kindness and sincerity and I know that others might have different opinions. But as soon as I read the post that is being referred to, I just felt a knot in my stomach and knew feelings would be hurt.

    I hope this comes across in the manner in which it is intended. I hate to see a rift develop and I hate to see people shut down and not feeling safe.

    Blessings to you sister. I enjoy learning from you and hope you continue to feel free to share openly…as I wish for everyone else as well.

    Peace – Pam

  358.  #358Ella on January 26, 2011 at 12:58 pm

    SS re 207


    Wohooo, feels good to make a new babystep right?


  359.  #359Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 1:02 pm


    I immerse myself in this think tank called Rori’s blog, AKA Siren Island BECAUSE I need to work on my communication skills. I appreciate the softness with which you expressed that to me, and I receive that.

    No, I didn’t intend to attack Daria. Sometimes when I’m on the blog, I get in very-transparent mode, and I say what I think and feel. I believe Daria has a right to believe, think, and feel the way she wants to, because God has given her a free will. I love Daria, and I don’t reject her because of her differing beliefs. And, the only person who has helped me more with my Ryan issues is Rori. So what I mean is Daria has really come alongside me and helped me pound through some really deep feelings that were eating me alive.

    I apologize if I hurt anyone’s feelings. I want to communicate gently. At the same time, I also feel that fair is fair. If Daria can discuss her beliefs freely on this blog, then so can I.

    Love, Brenda

  360.  #360Ella on January 26, 2011 at 1:06 pm

    Although it is good for me to remember that nothing is ever really gone…

    Just different phases with different people in them.

    AND I will see him again… it always happens that way… you just never know when… I guess when the time is right.

    And you least expect it!

    For now I have to gently practive moving my mind away from him and shifting the focus onto other things… babystep by babystep.

    It is a gradual process but one that I know quite well now. And it is gentler and easier than it used to be… although not completely painless.

    But yes, this is just part of the on-going story. I am just riding my horse… on my journey.

    And I feel good about how I have behaved.

    I wonder what will happen next.

  361.  #361Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:08 pm

    Nancy and Andi,

    Thanks for sharing your “phone boundary” experiences. I hate talking on the phone too, and it is one of my boundaries. It feels good to see that I am not alone in this. 🙂


  362.  #362Ella on January 26, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    One thing about RR practices that I am unsure about…

    I have been practicing being non judgemental and stay open to men even when I am not sure they are perfect for me…

    I really like this idea BUT it seems to lead to pain and heartache for me.

    Bc I tend to fall for the guys I am being open to, and often they are not the best option for me.

    This can happen EVEN when CD-ing, although CD-ing does offer some protection.

    Is this part of the process, ie manageable triggers? (although with Mr B it felt more like I was traumatised at the end).

    Or am I misunderstanding this part of the process?

  363.  #363Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:12 pm


    I LOVE your painting idea/experience!!!

    I feel inspired.

    I am not a painter, but I might give it a try anyway. Or maybe a mixed media collage or something.

    Not sure yet what words I would put on it… but I know there’s Something I need to remind myself about! Lol.


  364.  #364Ella on January 26, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Andi re 291 & 292


    Yes that achy heart feeling is sad.

    But I know we are on the path to the relationship we want! And it will be so good…

    And the path has some twists and turns and is a wonderful adventure!

    Where can I read your story? Have you posted anything on the blog?


  365.  #365Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    “Ryan cast spells to get women to be attracted to him.” (Brenda)

    Brenda, I feel curious… What do you think/feel about how that information relates to Your being attracted to him?


  366.  #366life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Lucy, can you direct me to the post of Pamelala’s with the painting idea? Thanks 🙂

  367.  #367Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Ella, do you mean that you are staying open to men who have signs of being “toxic” for you?

    How do you feel when you are with them? Are you honoring your feelings?

    I feel curious about the things you are asking.


  368.  #368Ella on January 26, 2011 at 1:23 pm

    Nancy @ 231

    This may have been mentioned already but if they are going on and on when talking on phone have you tried feeling messages…

    like ‘Oh I feel rather tired from all this talking!’
    Or ‘I don’t want to talk anymore’ Or ‘It has felt amazing talking to you and now I want to go and do some bits and peices!’

    If they sense you want to get off the phone they will usually ask for a date… but if they don’t do it right then, it will build intensity and make them want you more, and call back again soon I reckon.

    What do you think?

  369.  #369Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:24 pm


    224: Pamelala says:
    Y’all have inspired me…I had done an abstract painting background earlier today, but couldn’t decide what to do with it. Well, I just grabbed my paints and stenciled on it, “He doesn’t exist. Go life you life. You deserve it.”

    I’m going to pretty it up tomorrow and hang it in the livingroom…I’ll take it down if he decides to exist, but put it back when he doesn’t. I feel good about that.

    Tuesday, 25 January 2011 @ 9:59pm

  370.  #370Ella on January 26, 2011 at 1:26 pm


    Oww, Lucy – I don’t know!

    I guess sometimes it is hard for me to tell which men are toxic for me…

    I still struggle with finding a lot of (nice) men boring, so I probably still have a tendancy to be attracted to toxic men.

    My understanding was that we stay open to all men, unless they are dangerous for us…

    And even if we are moving away from them.

    But I guess I need some clarity of what exactly that means…

    Ie: what is dangerous… what is toxic and how can I tell which ones are whilst staying open and trying not to judge?

  371.  #371life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    @350 LOVE this, Simply Shannon
    I feel just like this often, usually prompted by not feeling fulfilled enough with dating. I don’t need attention and to have my ego fed. I want a REAL partner to have fun with, be challenged by, and to create the rest of our lives together, and that requires focused energy, not people running around dating as many people as they can, I’m spreading myself too thin that way.
    I also identify with much of what PrairieGirl wrote…

    lots o love

  372.  #372life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:28 pm


    Very Cool!!

    Thanks, dear Lucy


  373.  #373life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    And thankyou to Pamelala for sharing that!
    Nice to read you!


  374.  #374Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    “how can I tell which ones are whilst staying open and trying not to judge?” (Ella)

    Well, I’m thinking maybe pay closer attention to your feelings…? If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe with a man (for example, if you have reason to believe he might be an addict), you can listen to your feelings — and follow your feelings — without judging the man.

    I think Rori has a post category about Boundaries. Maybe do some reading there…?


  375.  #375Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    Oh rats. No Boundaries category! 🙁 I feel disappointed.

  376.  #376Alicia on January 26, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    OMGosh xoxoxo – I just got a box in the mail with the cutest Teddy Bear..

    Awhhhhh how sweet! It has a card attached that says…. That made me feel special!

    “Since I can’t be there for you all the time to hug you all the time. I’m sending you this little guy to take my place for the time being.”

    – I’ve only gone out with this guy three times in several months and pecked him on the lips. We have become good friends though. That really made my day. He’s knows I’m Cd’ing it up… but, wow.. It’s my first stuffed animal from a guy. lol.. I luv it.

  377.  #377life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Lucy, you just reminded me of the Peanuts gang, with your “oh rats”. Come to think of it, they share a lot of feeling messages, don’t they?

  378.  #378Alicia on January 26, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    Opps I said – that made me feel special..

    The card card said – ” Since I cant be there for you to hug you all the time.. I sent this little guy.”

    That makes more sense. Sweet!

  379.  #379Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    You’re welcome, sweet Life. 🙂

    It feels good to be called “dear Lucy.” 🙂

    I am noticing that I have a strong positive response to terms of endearment — from both men and women.

    I didn’t hear much of that growing up, nor in my marriage.

    I love it when you girls say things like that to me.

    I feel a little embarrassed posting this.

  380.  #380Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    @370: Alicia says:
    “…OMGosh xoxoxo – I just got a box in the mail with the cutest Teddy Bear…”

    I think it’s very sweet when guys take the time to do things like this. I really, really appreciate it. I like teddy bears too!

    Is this the same guy that you wrote about a couple weeks ago? I mentioned then too that it’s very nice to have some think of you with adoration. You mentioned you didn’t think you would go to far with that one… Is this the one? I think he was kind of short.

    One of my all time favorite guys, a little shortish but tall in character, always treated me very, very well. I always felt absolutely pampered, adored and safe with him. Always full of wonderful treats and surprises and very manly, not a wimpy guy either.



  381.  #381Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:43 pm

    Life, I love Peanuts! My daughter is also a big fan, and I always am on the lookout for stuff for her with the characters — socks, calendars, sticky notes, etc. get put in her Christmas stocking, Easter basket, etc. 🙂

  382.  #382Ella on January 26, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Simply S & Daria,

    @ “The truth is…start FIRST with HEALING yourself…and for most of us this means getting rid of desperation and need.”

    *I* can only heal and control MYSELF. This is my fundamental truth. I show people who I am by my actions and my words. I show them a healthy relationship with men, women, money, J*sus, everything by showing them ME… the whole ME.

    – Thanks I really needed to read that today!


  383.  #383Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    –it’s very nice to have some *guy* think of you with adoration.

    –You mentioned you didn’t think you would go *too* far with that one…

    But you probably figured out what I meant..:wink:


  384.  #384Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Ella – “Is it normal that I really wish he would text me even though I know I will not have a relationship with him?”

    I say Yes! it is normal. There are things you like about him… and you feel some love for him… and he has had times when he made you feel good…. So it’s natural that you would want to experience more of those good feelings even without a romantic relationship.

    That’s exactly how I feel about TN man. Exactly.


  385.  #385life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Don’t feel embarrassed, Lucy!
    And actually, I feel some kind of kinship with you.
    I think we might be from the same area.


  386.  #386Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Just a note, Microsoft Security Essentials, gives excellent virus/spyware/malware security.

    It updates frequently, all FREE software from Microsoft.

    So if you are running MS on your computer, check it out.


  387.  #387Ella on January 26, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Simply S,

    I often find it harder to do live the RR way with my women friends than with men.

    In some ways it is harder for me to be honest with certain friends than with men.

    Especially there is one friend recently who I was close to. She has become ill but recently her vibe towards me has changed.

    It feels like she has closed off to me.

    I have tried talking to her about it but she just kinda brushes it off or ridicules what I am saying.

    I struggle when friends close off to me, it has happened to me quite a bit over the years, with people who I thought I would stay in touch with.

    And it really hurt.

    These days I am trying to employ the RR lean back to most things… ie: if something is not coming towards me I will not go chasing after it.

    Especially not if it is going in the opposite direction!

    And I am learning to view life as phases with people who come in and out… some are here for longer than others, but there are always good people around me.

    And there is always exactly who there should be at any one point in my life!

    That feels better for me and less panicky.

    Anyway… sorry just went off on a tangent about my stuff, however your posts made me think of it.

  388.  #388life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    sorry for saying “don’t feel”!!! that was not appropriate.
    feel it to the bone! then let it go

  389.  #389Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    Shannon, I feel curious about the terms of your Manfast. Does that basically mean taking down your online profiles or what?

    I am on a sorta kinda unofficial Manfast.

    Bleh. I love men, but I’m not digging this online dating process.

  390.  #390life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 1:58 pm

    Yes, SLV, you always make me pause and ponder

    I *could* go far with him, maybe.

    There are tons of advantages to having him as a friend, in that “we”re in college” kind of way,
    but been there done that, got my sights set on something different.

    If you can’t get with that program, let’s just say, let’s just be friends, love your hair, hope ya win…

  391.  #391Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Life – “I think we might be from the same area.”

    You mean geographically?

  392.  #392life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    yes, Lucy, but I would rather not say on here

  393.  #393Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    @383: Lucy says:
    “…I am on a sorta kinda unofficial Manfast.
    Bleh. I love men, but I’m not digging this online dating process…”

    I haven’t feasted enough lately to have an actual “fast” but I’m in a “doing ME first” phase.


  394.  #394Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    “i NEVER flirt on FB” (Soul Sista)

    Hehe. I ALWAYS flirt on fb. *blushing a little*

  395.  #395Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    @384: life_is_too_short_to… says:
    “…Yes, SLV, you always make me pause and ponder
    I *could* go far with him, maybe…”

    I was posting about Alicia’s teddy bear guy. He seems very sweet. We all need guys like him I think!

    Do you have guy you wrote about? I’m sorry if I got things confused…


  396.  #396Ella on January 26, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    Lucy re 368,

    Yes you are probably right… and I was watching and feeling my feelings much more towards the end of relationship with Mr B… and began to realise they were getting increasingly uncomfortable/anxious!

    And there were red flags… Nothing really major… AND I saw them… but I still thought “I can see that could be a red flag but I am not sure… and I want to see where this goes.’

    And the reason that I was not sure and wanted to wait and see, was because in all honesty I felt really good being around him, most of the time.

    So I don’t know whether this is me being ‘toxic’ or whether I was attracted to the person underneath, but when the addicition became more prominent I became uncomfortable and my feelings changed.

    But I need to look back and see whether I really felt good… or whether it just felt familiar…

    When I have some time I am going to read back over some of my posts and see what I can learn.

    One thing I feel excited about though, is that no matter what else, I am definitely learning to communicate with men in a more fulfilling and exciting way.

  397.  #397PrairieGirl on January 26, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    #350 SS
    Man I hear ya!

    My bottom line feeling is that I don’t want to just take a break from dating so I can later raise it to a higher crop of men.

    If dating is what I did yesterday meeting a CD for lunch…I don’t want to date…period… Nope, nada, zilch, not interested.

    I am lonely. I will admit that, but I also know that I will be just fine w/me and my kids.

    Here’s my fear though, that if I become fine/content with being alone I will not let any man in.. EVER…

    I fear that I will be set in my ways and pissed off that he didn’t show up when I was lonely and open to having a partner in my life. When my kids were young enough to have benefited from having a good man in their lives. One that was more loving and stable than their dad. When it would have benefited them to see me in a good healthy loving relationship.

    If he can’t show up now I won’t fricken need/want him then and won’t let him in. I’ll be too pi$$ed off… that is my fear.

    SLV you are right, I will probably feel different tomorrow, and Tinque is right hormones are probably not helping here.

    I like what Christine Northrup says that hormones are really just bringing to the surface things we need to address but stuff under (that’s WAY paraphrased BTW)…

    I’m trying not to discount feelings when I’m hormonal as just hormones… I try and look at them to see if there’s some truth I’m not paying attention to …

    I am really ready for a break, and I feel SOOO hypocritical. I was just telling my son’s coach about okcupid and this blog and giving her my blog which is about my surviving and overcoming a heartbreak and hope for love, and positive thinking/belief/energy…

    I feel like a fraud.

    My last post was about the people in Enterprise, Alabama who have a monument to the Boll Weevil… it threatened to ruin their livelihoods from 1910-1915 which was cotton… But they diversified into peanuts and became rich… I was encouraging my readers to be strong enough to bend and look for their “peanut” answer…

    Now just look at me! Wallowing around in boll weevil droppings….


  398.  #398Daria on January 26, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    Brenda – thank u fir apologizing. It feels bad to see my beliefs being categorized as evil … Light or darkness, etc. This feels awful and I don’t want to feel unseen and not respected this way.

    I also personally feel bad about the bad rap that darkness as a color and energy gets nowadays. I feel embraced and awed often by dark grandmother night.

  399.  #399Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    Life! If we are near enough, it would feel awesome to get together! I understand your reluctance to disclose your whereabouts on here.

    Do any of the Sirens have your contact info? Some have mine — Brenda, Shannon, Siena, Daria, Jennifer… any others? Maybe we could connect via one of them?

  400.  #400life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 2:11 pm

    oops, sorry, SLV, thought you were talking to me!

  401.  #401life_is_too_short_to... on January 26, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    OK, Lucy, I’ll write to Daria

  402.  #402Ella on January 26, 2011 at 2:14 pm


    Sorry if I have missed it on here about TN man.

    I feel selfish!

    Would you mind giving me a quick overview of what happened with you and him?

    I feel curious / interested.

  403.  #403Daria on January 26, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Beautiful dark things : night, dark skin, dark hair, blackbirds, labradors, mahogany, onyx, obsidian, indigo, cocktai dresses, chocolate

  404.  #404Soul Sista on January 26, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    one of my new CD’s just came over and fixed my bike tire 🙂 he’s only 25 but the young guys keep trying to meet me so i’m meeting some of them 🙂

  405.  #405Daria on January 26, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    Lucy maybe one of your love languages is words of affirmation. It is mine!

  406.  #406Ella on January 26, 2011 at 2:19 pm


    Honestly I think with Mr B… it ws so mixed.

    Some of it felt so good… then some of it was kinda like Huh??? Really, where did that come from… (later realised those bits of his behaviour are part of the addiction probably).

    And then at the end… ‘oh g*d, this feels awful!’ and that is when I left.

    There were signs… but I guess I just didn’t realise the extent of it… but at least I am aware so I will maybe recognise signs more easily in the future.

    And actually I am quite pleased that I did not hang in that situation for longer.

    The bottom line, addiction or no addiction, I guess Mr B is a mixed bag, just like the rest of us!

  407.  #407Soul Sista on January 26, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    thank you for the list of amazing words Daria…i collect beautiful words xoxo

    i feel that the combination of getting help express my feelings that were ready to come out with the guy i love, plus CD’ng is a good combination.

  408.  #408Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Daria, I feel the same way about darkness…

    I love the part in the Bible where it says “There are treasures in darkness.”

  409.  #409Wonder Woman on January 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    Darling Ella @ 277 Simply Shannon @ 278

    I guess I am judging my friend.

    I think what is difficult is that on the one hand I want her to be really excited for me and understand where I am coming from and she doesn’t. We have a very honest friendship and talk about things that other people would struggle to talk about but at the same time I feel I give a lot more than I receive and then what I do say is taken and thrown back at me. I can see she is hurting but at the same time I wonder if I see her negative behaviour as a mirror because sometimes I sense she is putting on a mask, tears of a clown if you like, over doing everything to cover her hurt and I really want to help her but she just turns it all on me.

    I will be open to listening to her and accepting her as she is and just bite my tongue when I feel the need to offer advice that she is not open to. I think I can tend to over do that.

    Yes, I too wish to be happy and a good example of what having boundaries and caring for yourself can achieve just like my friend with the good relationship and hopefully my other friend will pick up on that and wish to do the same at somepoint. I know to my core I am on the right path and nothing she says is making me doubt that, it is just kind of annoying when all she does is put me down when she has nothing better to show for herself.

    I am meeting with my friend again on Saturday. If I can get through a couple of hours without the need to want to get my message across when triggered then that will be growth for me and I guess I have to keep it all about me and take care of me and trust she can take care of herself.


  410.  #410Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm

    @391: PrairieGirl says:

    “…Here’s my fear though, that if I become fine/content with being alone I will not let any man in.. EVER… “

    I did something like that. Do you really want to take a twenty year break….??? 😯

    “…If he can’t show up now I won’t fricken need/want him then and won’t let him in. I’ll be too pi$$ed off… that is my fear…”

    Maybe not, I just decided six months ago to seek partner and I’m open to remarriage. If you can,,,, don’t take a twenty year break!!! But even if we do, we are women we can always change our minds! 😀

    And no, you are not a fraud. But I bet you “know” you can bounce back and you will do so eventually. But in the moment you are feeling the low feelings and they are real and don’t feel good.

    Hormones do affect our sensitivity to what’s going on in our bodies and outside of it. I’ve had a lot of hormonal changes…

    When you are feeling better, or now, scout out some different dating sites, just to see what’s there you don’t have to put up a profile yet or contact anyone.

    Scout out the territory, cowgirl. Check out those other pastures, Round ’em up, head ’em out!

    I hope I’m not being “too cut to the chase” sometimes I know I am. But I cried all night the other night and “now I are fine!* …. You will feel all these feelings and be OK too.

    Like you, I’m kind of lucky too,,,especially in that I can sleep in until noon if I want too and then put cold compresses on my eyes… 😆


  411.  #411Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm

    “Lucy maybe one of your love languages is words of affirmation. It is mine!” (Daria)

    That definitely seems to be the case for me, doesn’t it? 🙂

  412.  #412Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    @397: Daria says:
    “…Beautiful dark things : night, dark skin, dark hair, blackbirds, labradors, mahogany, onyx, obsidian, indigo, cocktai dresses, chocolate…”

    …Me! tee hee 😆


  413.  #413Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 2:34 pm


    RE: #359 – You asked, ““Ryan cast spells to get women to be attracted to him.” (Brenda)

    Brenda, I feel curious… What do you think/feel about how that information relates to Your being attracted to him?”

    I believe it opened me to attack. I prayed and received a lot of prayer throughout and after my romance with him.

    I feel confident that the Power of Je*sus is above all, and that He Himself gave me a supernatural attraction to Ryan.

  414.  #414Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    “When my kids were young enough to have benefited from having a good man in their lives. One that was more loving and stable than their dad. When it would have benefited them to see me in a good healthy loving relationship.” (PG)

    I feel sad reading that. I felt the same way — but now my kids are all just about grown, so it is “too late” for that aspect for them.

    I so much wanted them to have that. I feel very very sad that they didn’t get that. 🙁

    I feel trusting that God is taking care of them anyway.

    But I do still feel sad when I think about it.

  415.  #415Lori on January 26, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Prairie Girl Re #391

    “My last post was about the people in Enterprise, Alabama who have a monument to the Boll Weevil… it threatened to ruin their livelihoods from 1910-1915 which was cotton… But they diversified into peanuts and became rich… I was encouraging my readers to be strong enough to bend and look for their “peanut” answer…”

    I think there’s a correlation here to CDing. CDing teaches you to “diversify” and bend to find men who are better for us than the ones we chose in our pasts. In my case, it meant completely rewiring my brain to find the nice guys that were once boring to me attractive and get an “ick” feeling in my gut when I meet the toxic and emotionally unavailable kind of guys who I used to be soooo attractive…

  416.  #416Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Ella, it’s a long story about TN man. Verrry long. Suffice it to say that I was very attracted to him (long distance) and we shared almost a year of a mix of intense fun flirtation and serious deep connection. I knew from the beginning that he was not a good candidate for Mr. Right, but then I got hooked in spite of myself. Just when I started to fool myself into thinking maybe he could be Mr. Right afterall, he took up with a local girl and I moved into friend zone.

    We are still in touch, and he says he loves me, and I believe it’s true — we’re just not right for each other — very different lifestyles when it comes to relationships. But we are very fond of each other, and it always feels good when he is in touch with me.

    He taught me a lot and helped me heal a TON of stuff in my life (he’s very smart and wise — a guru-type) and I have great memories of the fun and excitement phase of our connection. He thinks so highly of me, and that feels good too. (He was way big with “words of affirmation” for me! Food for my soul..)

  417.  #417Lori on January 26, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    Prairie Girl,

    “When my kids were young enough to have benefited from having a good man in their lives. One that was more loving and stable than their dad. When it would have benefited them to see me in a good healthy loving relationship.”

    I feel sad reading this too. I feel I’ve done a good job teaching my children all I could about life, values, morals, integrity, respect for women etc, but since their dad and I have been divorced since they were babies, I have not had the opportunity to teach them how to be in a good, healthy, loving relationship. I feel sad about this and hope that they will be able to have good relationships in their lives even though I could be a good role model for this…

  418.  #418Lori on January 26, 2011 at 2:57 pm


    re #410

    Maybe TN man was supposed to be your guru, and that was/is his purpose in your life. I’ve met some men online that turned out to be bad matches for me romatically, but have made great friends. I feel blessed to have them in my life even though it “didn’t work out” in the romance department…

  419.  #419Jacqueline on January 26, 2011 at 3:02 pm

    Hi, everyone – I think Brenda expressing her relationship with Chr**t is a positive for her and it takes her focus off of Ryan and relieves her pain. I do not hear or see her making anyone wrong, and just to PROVE this – I’ll share a little something.

    I attended a Catholic University – and I practice more or less being Wiccan. So, I’m half Catholic and half Wiccan in my mind. And I told Brenda that what – 9 months, a year ago??

    And she said she takes the good in everyone and leaves the rest – I felt heard, accepted and yet I’ve known all this time we have radically differering beliefs. And, we’re still friends.

    So, I agree that no one wants to be pounded over the head about religion, Rori even says that – but others mention Jes*s regualarly ….

    and I say if it helps my fellow journeyer, Siren Brenda feel better, she can beleive what she believes and express it how she expresses it.

    I’m still lobbying for inclusion here, lol…

    Just as I advocate for myself to be “heard” when I say not all the tools are for all the people for all the times.

    And, yes! I feel unheard when I write a 200 word post about femininity and no one joins the discussion….but then no one has to, huh?

    I think if someone says I feel unheard – the most basic and empowering response would be to say –

    I heard you, and I think…..etc……

    Daria, I heard you and I think magic exists, independent of one’s beliefs….just as I think G*d exists, independent….

    Brenda, I hear you and I’m so happy you believe in miracles….

    Like that!

  420.  #420Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 3:08 pm


    RE: #34 – You asked, “Rori says men don’t go from “friends” to being in love.

    (Although I myself have also experienced the phenomenon. 🙂 )

    What do you — and other Sirens — think about this?”

    I think it can happen. For example, once I was friends with a man at work, when I worked with mentally handicapped children. About 3 years into our work friendship, he and his wife divorced. Then it became clear that both he and I had feelings for each other. I don’t know if that’s the same.

    Maybe Rori is talking about a buddy type of woman who never asserts her femininity. I used to be that kind of woman. I think it can happen, but it’s not as likely as when I unzip my heart and be the woman who I am.

  421.  #421Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 3:09 pm

    #334 – Ooops…

  422.  #422Jacqueline on January 26, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    and on to flirting!! Nancy there was a post form a woman who taught tango who was all about the finger run along the neckline and down to the cleavage awhile back…Lucy had already perfected it. Grin….someone will remember who she was.

    Flirting, for me, works really well when I am like, clean, smeeling good, yada yada – looking feminine – which is great,

    but what works the best? any ol time – is WIDE eyed wonder at how brilliant the words coming out of the guy’s mouth is…

    and lots and lots of questions, and listening at Level 2 and just letting him “bask” in it – drops em to their knees or at least right into the chair next to you…lol…

    try this if you want – lean back, throw your arm around an empty chair – yes, take up space! like men do and we’ve been taught not to, relax every bone in your body, smile brilliantly….they start talking….DO NOT move!!! but listen really hard, keep smiling, maybe touch hair….and wait for it…..

    when they’re into it or responding, THEY come forward in the chair.

    LOVE IT….it’s a great sign….and I think it’s my version of the pysical lean back that Rori talks about but I’ve done for forever ….

    part of the idea is to oh, so make them wish they were IN that chair ….if only they were so lucky.

    And show your brilliance! If a subject comes up you know something about – like the other night, I googled a lot on Russia, the countries major religions, what regime it is nowadays – Nationalist – the diffference between totalitarian regimes and authoritarian regimes, and China and communism and athiesm….

    Guys LOVE that kind of stuff – they just start popping out all over with wow she’s soft,smells good, is beautiful and has a brain!!!

    So – I rarely if ever at all, and I actively try NOT to talk about myself on a first meet – it’s all about them, or allowing them to see an opinion I have and how I’ve formed it,.,

    works really well for me!

    and I’ll be giving lessons – lol…

    happy day to all yall….

  423.  #423Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 3:14 pm


    RE: #413 – Greetings and goat bleatings! Blessed be! See, I can talk Wiccan! And yes, I believe you have a right to believe the way you want to, even tho I still see the Latin root phoneme “wick” in “Wicca”, which means “twisted.”

    Thank you for your kind comments! I had a pen pal in prison for 9 years who was a Wiccan witch. I loved him like a brother! He protected me as best he could from prison when I was in bad relationships with men. He taught me a lot. And we respected each other even tho our beliefs were different. I miss my buddy, Flathead! 🙂

    Jacqueline, here is a sun and moon necklace for you!

    Love, Brenda

  424.  #424PrairieGirl on January 26, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    #404 SLV

    “Scout out the territory, cowgirl. Check out those other pastures, Round ‘em up, head ‘em out!”

    OMG you made me lol…
    I do believe I will feel better.

    And Lori #409 I SOOO relate to what you said

    “rewiring my brain to find the nice guys that were once boring to me attractive and get an “ick” feeling in my gut when I meet the toxic and emotionally unavailable kind of guys who I used to be soooo attractive…”

    I do not want to be attracted to the type of guys from my past… unavailable, damaged.. but willing to MARRY ME! Go figure..

    SLV I don’t know how long a break…

    Oh but get this! My mom who has been divorced 3-4 times and lived w/2-3 other guys definite hopeful romantic, but in light of RR did EVERYTHING wrong, is now a foster mom for medically fragile kiddos (mostly brain injured). The past few years she hasn’t even dated saying there wouldn’t be a man who would put up w/her taking care of these kids…. but… that she wishes that she could find someone w/her heart for them…

    Anyway, TODAY she tells me that she’s been even trying to look at dating sites… Yep, she’s been inspired by my freakin blog and all my talk about RR and all that I’m learning about how I did it wrong before…

    Today, that’s irony.


  425.  #425Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

    Thanks, Lori, I do feel blessed by TN man’s part in my life. Very much so.

  426.  #426Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 3:18 pm


    I also agree that not every situation is appropriate for feeling messages. We talk all the time that both men and women have both masculine and feminine energy, and we tend to focus on the men with feminine energy, men like Ryan.

    But we also have masculine energy, and Rori freely acknowledges that, being a real bulldog in the business world. She encourages women to take their masculine drive to become millionaires! And I hope she herself becomes a millionaire! She’s worth it!

    So when I do physical labor and work out and stand up for myself when someone tries to mistreat me, I boldly, confidently embrace my masculine energy.

    I think you are a beautiful blend of feminine and masculine energy! I feel so rich to know you and be the recipient of many of your beautiful words!

    Five big purple balloons for you!

    Love, Brenda

  427.  #427Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 3:19 pm

    Awww, this is so cute: I was playing with my 5 month old kitten with a straw. She fell asleep with her head…and the straw…tucked between her front paws! What a beautiful little creature!

  428.  #428Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 3:22 pm

    I twist my hair….

    *troublemaker smile*

  429.  #429Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm

    Brenda, thanks for your input on the “friends” question. <3

  430.  #430Jacqueline on January 26, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Brenda – “goat bleatings???” Omgosh…laughing….”what does that have to do with it??? maybe like lambs ewing or something???

    The more I actually know and learn about magic the more I don’t do it, to be honest. Yeah, I learned a bunch of love spells from the best….and then I got a ton of “oooh, noooooo, you don’t DO love spells.”


    So, I find it best to simply be the best positive attractor I can possibly be and leave influencing, manipulating, using tools for my gain – alone!

    I pray to God/dess for the highest good, and for the Blessings to be, and leave at that these days…

    for everyone!

    I’ve gotten very interested in subtleties….like my bff says when I used to tell my ex, tell me it’s all gonna be okay, I was like, forcing him to tell me that…and thereby “making” him lie to me….very interesting path to go down philosophically…..

    So – no manipulation, no agenda, no judgement – all sound like good ideas to me!

    I do, however, practice intense personal protection, especially as I am really empathetic and boundariless otherwise.

    It works, too – yall didn’t know that, huh?



  431.  #431Nancy on January 26, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    When I say “I feel unheard”, what I’m feeling is disconnected. I’m seeking to understand and be understood. I want to communicate. I could say, ” I want to communicate. I want to understand and be understood. I’m feeling a disconnect.” it seems to me that this is less likely to be taken as meaning anything about him.

  432.  #432Jacqueline on January 26, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    And a dozen hearts to you, Brenda – you are strong in so many ways, it’s great! And I love the new facebook pix, too – looking very feminine!!

    Off for now – yall have fun and wow, some of us have had really intense days – Prairiegirl that is amazing about your mom!…and Ella….so sorry –

    I used to see NOTHING but suffering all over, like I felt guilty even being happy….

    went to a therapist that said you see it because you are suffering,

    when you’re not suffering, you’ll also see joy.

    It was true but actually listening to Abraham/LOA stuff is what really convinced me there was joy aplenty and a creator who doesn’t want us to suffer but just keeps making more abundance.

    This wasn’t recent, but the more I read it, the more I believed it – and now, even with the world gone crazy stuff – I look for, find and see joy much more often for myself and for others!

    ((hugs)))) everyone!

  433.  #433Rori Raye on January 26, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    Boomer – welcome – and yayyy for you! I LOVE your description of being a boy in girl’s clothes….Love, Rori

  434.  #434Jacqueline on January 26, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Nancy – that’s a great time to use….

    what do you think? (Yeah Rori!)

    Feeling unheard is also a way of demanding a response, not just sitting in the lean back position, huh? Anxious, irritated, non connected, all those things.

    Sometimes, I’ve even said, I’m good with whatever you want to think/say/decide but I just want to know you heard me, did you hear me?

    And then there’s the whole repeat it back to them three times, so you’re saying… mean……you believe…..

    to make sure YOU’ve gotten it…

    Communication, the very best of what makes us human and able to be connected.


  435.  #435Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    @423: PrairieGirl says:
    “…Yep, she’s been inspired by my freakin blog and all my talk about RR and all that I’m learning about how I did it wrong before…
    Today, that’s irony….”

    Yep, you are more sparkly than you know…

    Another little thing, when I was having my lovesick night and day I really “knew” down deep that I have to keep the hormones “flowing” so I’ll still be loving, feeling, womanly for my sweetie… whenever he shows up! I don’t want to shut off everything even if there is a little pain and low feeling sometimes.


  436.  #436Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 3:58 pm

    Weird. I had forgotten that fb college guy was also a cancer survivor like me…. He just wrote on fb that this month marks 8 years cancer-free. I have been thinking lately that I am coming up on two years cancer-free and how great that is.

    I wonder if cancer is another thing that makes the two of us feel connected.

    I have been wondering lately why he keeps flaking on actually getting together though. And I had a thought that maybe it’s because I don’t feel “that way” about him and I had told the Universe that I don’t want any more guys falling for me if I don’t feel the same way.

    But we can get together as friends, can’t we? I would really like that. Unless he falls for me.

    I wonder why he keeps flaking…..

  437.  #437Daria on January 26, 2011 at 4:08 pm

    I negotiated one of my bigger debts down to 30% and my dad paid it!


    also, i felt comfy talking to the people

    also this morning i cried bec my mom washed my clothes in hot water and we had talked and agreed that she would no longer wash my clothes (cuz tehy shrink)

    and i felt betrayed and cried a lot and then i didnt really feel heard by her but she called my dad and asked him to deal with me … and i felt HEARD by HIM!

    and that its just a personality thing, not that she’t trying to be mean to me

    and i feel good ! about having paid attention to my feelings ( i’ve stuffed them so often on this same issue) and EXPressing them!

  438.  #438Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm


    Are you still here? I was shocked about the guy that slid the check over to you! On a first date!!! That was so outrageous! Did you wonder “What could he have been thinking?” What kind of woman does he think could possibly be attracted to that kind of behaviour? And it is so unnecessary; he could have spent $10 or less on coffee date…or do you accept coffee dates? I think they are Ok for first and second dates too…

    Someone mentioned, not sure it it was you, about doing something on site so that guys would not know if we look at their profiles. I’d like that because I don’t want guys e-mailing me now, even if it’s a bunch of form letter type things I’m not going to respond to. That happened and I got kind of nervous.

    Also, I’ve been scouting some sites and realized on one I didn’t keep track of username, password, etc… I guess I can start all over, do you use spreadsheet –was it you that said? — to keep track of sites/msgs/CD info…

    Any tips? I can organize like project mgt sheet style but if I don’t have to reinvent the wheel with data headings, that would be even better.

    Thanks. Hope all is going well and you have a new group of CD.


  439.  #439Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 4:17 pm

    Another fun moment at CL personals ads. Yep, the wording is his own…

    Subject line on ad:

    Unhappily Marred … so looking



  440.  #440Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    I like what Jonathon wrote in response to this woman:

    Melissa: Is it just being authentic when someone you meet for the first time discloses the intimate details of their financial picture, or can’t that be TMI? Had a date tonite, fun . . . simply felt like too much, too soon. What say you Jonathon Aslay? How does a lady let a guy know when he’s sharing too much in a first meeting?

    Jonathon: There is another way of looking at it Melissa, since financial stability is a strong consideration when choosing a partner and if he did indeed suffer in this area, maybe by being forthright he showed a true genuine quality of integrity. So many men are going through a huge crisis in this area and maybe a need for understanding makes sense, especially if he had been rejected because of lack of funds to entertain a potential romantic interest. There is more that I can say and I hope I helped so far. *smiles*

  441.  #441Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm


    I am having massive urges to contact him.

    Just feel so confused.

    And guilty for how things ended.

    I mean aren’t we supposed to at least talk once the dust has settled? Isn’t that what adults do? Rather than just leaving it all having finished (as in break up) during drama / arguement.

    Well I text him the next day and told him it was over but I was here for him if he wanted to get help.

    He didn’t reply.

    I think I did it cus I was feeling so awful and needed to do something to relieve the pressure… overfunctioning?

    But now I feel like it is my responsibilty cus I ‘dumped’ him… but I was on high alert and doing anything to get away from that situation.

    And text left door open for communication.

    I wonder what is his experience of this right now… I know it is none of my business but I wonder how he feels about his problem being exposed like that.

    And whether it has happened before.

    I just can’t believe we wouldn’t talk about this…

    We have communicated about everything that has happened before (well I did… I guess he didn’t cus he lied).

    And I know this is what he does ie: doesn’t face up to things & hides away.

    It would feel great to have an adult talk however it would not feel good at all to instigate this.

    It just feels so darned hard to sit here and do nothing…. I suppose this is where my work is huh??

    This is why I am getting to keep repeating this lesson.

    But I hate that everything ended in heat of the moment… Although I suppose it is an on-going story… nothing has to be so final or black and white in my head…

    We are not currently in contact. That feels gentler / easier to gel with.

    I did not create that situation, so how is it mine to fix it…

    If things are akward that is what he has brought. And I will maybe just sit with this.

    If we are not going to talk this is also a consequence of the situation he brought.

    Maybe this is the ultimate opportunity to outgirl him?

    Hmmm, interesting.

    Maybe there is just nothing more to be said right now.

    Nothing for me to deal with except my own feelings.

    And one day, when we do talk, I will feel good that I held this boundary.

    I just feel kinda guilty that I suppose I broke up with him by text!

    Well actually by being pushed by him asking ‘is it over?’ when the drama happened and I just wanted to leave…

    And I said yes.

    But then the text the next day.

    And I feel guilty, wish I had just held my space.

    So, talking feel good. But his job to instigate that.

    AND maybe he actually knows what is best for me (in this case not him…)

    I am feeling very confused/heavy.

    Sitting here with my feelings.

    Bashing keyboard typing out on here instead of contacting him!

    Want to be reassured.

    Feel very sad and lonely.

    🙁 🙁 🙁

    Hmmm, reckon I am obsessing and ‘thinking’ too much/

    How do I feel.

    Tight shoulders.


    Want to go to bed!

  442.  #442Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:23 pm

    I’ll bet when a man is rejected due to “lack of funds” it feels similar to a woman being rejected due to a shellfish allergy.

    I can understand both sides of this.

  443.  #443Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    Hmmm, feels better to post on here though than to act out of urges and ‘urgent’ feelings!

  444.  #444Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    “and that its just a personality thing, not that she’t trying to be mean to me” (Daria)

    Daria, that feels really good to hear. I have discovered the same thing with both my mother and my daughter.

  445.  #445Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    Life and Lucy,

    RE: #393 – Life, feel free to email me at That would be awesome if the 3 of us could have a Siren party! 😆

  446.  #446Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:28 pm

    Unhappily Marred


  447.  #447Alicia on January 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Yes SLV – It’s the same guy… Can you believe it’s the first teddy bear any guy has ever given me??

    He does make me feel special.. I kinda feel like I’m in highschool.. (maybe it’s his braces.) haha.. I mean that light heartedly.. Only becuase, I’ve barely even kissed him on the lips goodnight. But, there is this little crush. It’s been nice to take things slow.

    And cd’ing has helped. I have 5 dates this week. When I get home from the date. I send myself a little email about how they each went. What I liked.. what maybe felt good or a little off. It’s been interesting. Then a little reminder like.. Talk in feelings.

    It’s been useful to journal them..

  448.  #448Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    @442: Lucy says:
    “…I’ll bet when a man is rejected due to “lack of funds” it feels similar to a woman being rejected due to a shellfish allergy.
    I can understand both sides of this…”

    Is it just me? I think both of these reasons for rejecting someone are kind of lame: there is plenty to eat and put on our bodies that does not contain shellfish and “lack of funds” can be both worked around and fixed!

    Oh, well…


  449.  #449Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm


    RE: #441 – You asked, “I mean aren’t we supposed to at least talk once the dust has settled?”

    Rori says to picture the relationship as a heavy ball and chain. Now picture yourself dropping it to the floor. Watch it as it rolls, uncontrolled, across the floor.

    Don’t pick it back up. Don’t try to fix it. That’s his job.

    What you did by expressing your displeasure and walking out was an act of STRENGTH and SELF-RESPECT!!

    I feel high admiration of you! In the past, I just kept going back and going back. How I wish I could do it over! I wasted years on men who were not trying to help themselves. You can’t fix him! Only he and God can do that! And, until he fixes himself, he can’t fix your relationship.

    I feel your pain, sadness, and confusion. You are doing a terrific job of handling it!

  450.  #450Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Ella, Hugs! I feel so hopeful for you as I read your processing.

  451.  #451Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 4:34 pm

    Dear SLV (& Dear Lucy),

    RE: #448 – You said, “I think both of these reasons for rejecting someone are kind of lame.”

    I totally agree! I think that is the point Lucy was trying to make.

  452.  #452Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 4:35 pm


    Yay for teddy bears! Yay for sweet men! I feel so happy for you!

  453.  #453Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    NVs say:

    ‘it is your fault!’

    Ah… and just realised being triggered to past when important people who are close to me (family members) have died…

    And effectivley just disappeared.

    That is why I have such a hard time when people ‘disappear’ from my life. Especially if they were a regular feature.

    And this was extra painful when I was young and didn’t undertand.

    Be good to heal this…

    Don;t know how.

    But how does it feel?

    FEAR –

    Tight in stomach, shoulders,

    small, closed up heart.

    Tight heart.

    sad and heavy but anxious, on alert.

    Like body full of tension and ready for fight of flight whilst walking through a thick heavy fog or even moving through treacle.

    Confused, where have they gone?


    Frightened of my little girl being left alone.

    Abandoned and not able to take care of self.

    Its ok little girl I am here too.

    And I won’t abandon you…

    Look, I didn’t!

    I am here and always will be with you.

    And now I am going to take you and tuck you into bed.

    Night night. xx

  454.  #454Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 4:37 pm

    @447: Alicia says:
    “…Yes SLV – It’s the same guy… Can you believe it’s the first teddy bear any guy has ever given me??…”

    Doesn’t it feel kind of yummy? I love all that kind of stuff!!! so if nobody is giving it to me,,,I give to me! 😀


  455.  #455Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    SLV, I hear you. I am a hopeless romantic and have the “love conquers all” philosophy. But I know many women do not want to be involved with a man who is not financially secure — and I can understand that concern and qualifier.

    As far as the shellfish, yeah, that feels kinda lame, too. But I can understand it.

    There is probably something lame like that that is a dealbreaker for me, too. Not sure what at the moment….

  456.  #456Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:40 pm



    The relationship –
    Heavy ball and chain. Just drop it to the floor.
    Watch it roll uncontrolled across the floor.
    Not my job!

    Not my responsibility!

    Thank you!


  457.  #457Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 4:41 pm

    @451: Brenda says:

    “…I totally agree! I think that is the point Lucy was trying to make….”

    Yes, she did make that point. I was concurring but not wishing to speak for any other sirens.


  458.  #458Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    Not my job, not my job, not my job!

  459.  #459Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:44 pm

    Drop relationship ball to the floor.

    Watch it roll.

    Not my job!

    Te he.

  460.  #460Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    Feels sad,

    But massive relief!

    It is not my job!


    Feels better.

    Thanks Brenda.

  461.  #461Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 4:45 pm

    @455: Lucy says:
    “…There is probably something lame like that that is a dealbreaker for me, too. Not sure what at the moment…”

    For me I’ve lately noticed, that kind of dealbreaker would be a guy with NO sense of humour which might not be important to all women but I know I could not bear it.


  462.  #462Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    Weird. I can think of three men right now who I would love to spend time with as friends.

    What does that mean? Have I given up on romance???

  463.  #463Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 4:46 pm


    RE: $430 – Flathead used to start most letters, “Greetings and goat bleatings!” I know that’s not a part of Wicca! I was just being silly! I did it in memory of Flathead!

  464.  #464Ella on January 26, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Keep thinking that cus he’s an addict that changes the rules…

    Or excuses him from stepping up etc…

    No No noo!

    But that kind of thinking is the stuff that adds to the sickness I believe.

    Not my job… feeing better.

    Still some tight in stomach.

  465.  #465Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:47 pm

    Hmmm. SLV, I kinda broke up with a guy once bc he was tone deaf. That’s about as lame as shellfish allergies. 🙁

  466.  #466Lucy on January 26, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    In fact, I think being tone deaf would Still be a dealbreaker for me. So how can I complain about the allergy thing?

    Although my voice teacher did say that she can teach Anyone to carry a tune…..

  467.  #467Brenda on January 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm


    RE: #457 – Please excuse me if my comment came across as an insult. I didn’t intend for it to.

  468.  #468Senior Lady Vibe on January 26, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    @466: Lucy says:
    “…Although my voice teacher did say that she can teach Anyone to carry a tune…”

    It might be possible, I suspect I’m slightly tone deaf, can’t differentiate some things while I can tell other things are off… go figure…

    My grandfather used to say that he couldn’t carry a tune in a paper bag; my grandmother agreed. 😆