Free Teleclass with Michelle Manley!

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Manley_030-200x300Unlock Your Feminine Energy And Get The “Great” Relationship You Want!

From Rori: Michelle Manley is the bomb! She’s just an amazing person, an amazing coach – SO much fun to be with and talk with!.

You absolutely won’t want to miss her teleclass on March 20th…(you’ll love listening to her soft, sweet, no-nonsense, smart Brit voice, and she feels like your best friend who’s “got your back” from the moment you’re with her)…

Here’s the info from Michelle to get on the teleclass:

Do you feel that, no matter what you do or try, your relationship isn’t where you want it to be? Does it get better for a time and then, before you know it, you’re back to where you were before, unhappy and disappointed?

Are you terrified of dating and putting yourself  “out there”? Do you struggle knowing where to start? Are the men that approach you not at all what you’re looking for? Are you fed up attracting the same old rubbish guys that let you down and disappear?

Do you find yourself being guarded around men; distrustful, suspicious and shut down? If you’ve ever let your barriers down, have you felt too vulnerable, even got hurt, and soon put them back up again?

Do you want to be able to trust yourself and your man completely?

Do you want to feel irresistible to men, attractive and desired?

Do you want to feel safe and secure in your relationship and to experience it getting better and better?

Do you want a “Great” relationship? Then join me on my FREE Teleclass, curled up in your favourite chair, in the comfort of your own home.

Sunday 20 March – 6pm (UK) / 11am (PST) / 2pm (EST)

I’ll give you practical tips and easy tools that you can use straightaway.

And you’ll have the opportunity to ask me anything that’s concerning you right now and, if you wish, I’ll work with you, live on the call, on your own personal situation.

If you can’t make the 20 March, don’t worry, sign-up and I’ll send you a copy of the teleclass.

Click here to find out more–>>

I can’t wait to share with you what I know really works!

Teleclass Advert - Unlock Your Feminine Energy And Get The 'Great' Relationship You Want! (3)

Love, Michelle

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86 Comments

  1.  #1Femininewoman on March 16, 2016 at 7:33 am

    Wow. A new name, new coach



  2.  #2Angela on March 16, 2016 at 9:06 am

    I asked my bf to take me to his job , yes part jealousy.
    And well i asked a while ago he refused. He said that I should trust him that that was the only way this relationship would work his reasons then were that he had female friends and that he thought I would react crazy.
    Now some months have passed since then. I asked again and he again said no. “nothing is going on at work but no. I dont want to”. I cried and i thought that this was not behavior of a man i want to be with. So i told him that.
    This morning I read his texts and he tells his friends that he broke up with me because i am too jealous. And that its too much drama that I only call him narcissist and that he knows in his hear t I am not the one. His friend replies that he does love his gf although they have problems. He bf says “well I just dont feel it anymore . I have a lot of girl friends at work who are helping me cope with everything and all my gf does is call me selfish and a narcissist”. Im panicking so much. Im scared of the process of the breakup I like my comfortable life with him. Im really scared. Part of me wants to work harder at making him love me. i called my mother this morning and she said well some men look for understanding elsewhere. I felt as if she was blaming me. I know i do have insecurities jealousies and all that.
    Im devasted.
    My intuition tells me he gave up along time ago yes he is 25, yes he now works at a place with a lot of women .
    He even mentioned to his friend yesterday at work i helped this lady who had an incredible body. oh man he feels he has so many options. he is still living with me but i asked hi to move out.
    Do i give up on this relationship do I work harder?
    Sadly I know that if i give up he will never come back.
    If i try harder i will have to be a good good gf for everything to work out.
    He is going through his fathers passing away this past month.
    Anyone have an opinion on this we also live together.
    Oh idk Rori has mentioned before about a man that is tippable something like that well i know this is him’I just dont want to compete with other women I hate it. He has changed so much since working there. i know for a fact that he has never cheated but why is he hiding me from his coworkers won’t a man that loves you want to show you off. Something is telling me he wants to give off the appearance of being single. 🙁 Or he has hopes for another women. Oh man I’m makes me feel terrible.
    What can i do. Anyone any ideas?



  3.  #3Rori Raye on March 16, 2016 at 10:50 am

    Angela, there’s so much in here – and first, so sorry for this pain…you deserve a much simpler love experience.

    First – “trying harder” is the opposite of what a Modern Siren “is.”

    Second – I’m not sure about the “reading his texts” – I assume secretly getting into his phone? – that could be the kind of energy no man can bear….and so he doesn’t want to bring you to work.

    Also – I don’t know of ANY man who wants to bring his significant other to “work” – unless it’s a party! It’s a very different part of his life.

    I encourage you to read as much as you can here, get as much free and inexpensive help and coaching as you can from my coaches and all the free things they offer, and start Circular Dating NOW!!! Love, Rori



  4.  #4MissStix on March 16, 2016 at 11:32 am

    Today I feel low and a bit sad…Maybe sad isn’t exactly accurate but the only word I can think of. Low energy…Low vibration.
    Soft is a better word.
    Not unpleasant. I feel sort of standing still.

    Last night about halfway through lovemaking I felt turned off again. A strange sense of unfamiliarity with this man. Same man, same kisses, same face, body, smile, smell and yet I felt unfamiliar.
    Is this rooted in unfamiliarity with myself now?
    I felt guilty again and couldn’t say my feelings as he has requested of me so I just pushed it so deep down and used the unfamiliar to enjoy the sex in a physical way.
    So today I have a question in my mind that I don’t want to answer.
    I don’t want to speak it either but it’s there.

    Choosing to focus on the warm sun shining and loving what I feel today.



  5.  #5Azure Blu on March 16, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    Liquid Light
    from last thread…
    THANK YOU SO MUCH for your excitement and cheering me on with Spirit…
    so interesting how good that feels to hear!

    That I have this… that I CAN do this!!

    your open heart and being able to receive all that Family love sounds to me like LOADS of healing going on in YOU!!!
    Yay YOU!!
    oxoxo



  6.  #6Azure Blu on March 16, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    MissStix…
    I am sending you warm, breezy vibrations as you feel the promise of Spring and all the rebirth it brings!!!

    Interesting how you shared your feelings during love making…
    recently I was realizing how I am NOT present while lovemaking… or something…?
    so I started observing and practiced listening, smelling. and worked on staying present… I want to continue to practice…



  7.  #7MissStix on March 16, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    Indigo-Thank you 🙂 I can feel those vibrations.

    I still feel so vulnerable during sex, lovemaking. Still feels like fighting against an invisible force to open my eyes and my heart.
    It’s apparently possible to feel this strong and also afraid and wanting to run and hide.
    I love myself and I judge myself.
    I still pressure myself to be certain ways. I can stop that.
    I choose to stop these things that don’t serve me.
    I can choose to feel thankful for the abundance of love and understanding I recieve. I have a man who gives me unwavering support. I feel very thankful.
    I have a job I love. A crazy kitty. A home. My family. Many thanks 🙂



  8.  #8Azure Blu on March 16, 2016 at 3:16 pm

    MissStix
    YES!!! soo thankful for my CRRRAZZZY kitty…
    he makes everyone happy and laughing!



  9.  #9Rori Raye on March 16, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    OMGoodness you guys are AWESOME in this conversation of being present for lovemaking…what you’re writing here is so gorgeous and helpful – I personally thank you! Love, Rori



  10.  #10Lovergirl on March 16, 2016 at 10:10 pm

    I feel so tempted to reach out to men lately, to lean forward, to beg for their love and attention. I feel so needy and lonely and unloved. I am in a bad place emotionally, so confused as to why men always seem to pick other women over me, when it comes to love. I feel so unlovable.

    There is a man that has asked me on a date this week, to a watch party with some friends at a bar. I am looking forward to it, but I already feel hopeless. I feel hopeless that any man could really ever want to be with me with all these children, like that is just a pathetic pipe dream. It seems unrealistic.

    Already the new man has complained that I dont text enough and this makes me feel unsure about the whole leaning back thing. He texted good morning and was like “you know its okay for a woman to text a man, right?”



  11.  #11Indigo on March 16, 2016 at 10:20 pm

    Angela,

    My first thought was, how long have you two been together?

    Because this sounds like the sort of speedbumps you experience in a relationship in the first few months, where you are still unsure about who the other is, where you don’t have that safety and deep knowledge of each other. Then again, you are both very young.

    I mostly agree with Rori. It’s hard to tell what’s really going on with him because of the other stuff in the way. I also don’t know too many guys who would take kindly to a girl insisting on being taken to their work, especially if there was a jealousy or insecurity motive behind it. Most of them would dig their heels in. On the other hand, the good guys that I have dated have had no secrecy surrounding where they work, and many of them have invited me into that space in one way or another. It’s not a great sign that he talks of seeking support with women at work, but it’s also not a great sign that you feel the need to snoop on his text messages.

    I think you need to decide if you WANT this relationship, if this man is worth it. It’s very hard to tell from what you’ve written here what kind of a guy he is. On the one hand you are certain he has never cheated on you, on the other you seem to have so many nagging insecurities… I sympathise with you because I’ve been there. What I can tell you from my own experience is that a man who has never cheated and would never cheat is someone who is worth giving the benefit of the doubt to, and trying to get over your insecurities for.

    However, I am not too crazy about the comments he has made about you. Perhaps there is some truth to them, I don’t know, but Rori is right, you certainly want an easier love experience than this… I would find a man who says things like that to be difficult to communicate with. I’ve come to the belief that in a good relationship, we want someone who is gentler and more patient with our flaws, and we should strive to be gentler and more patient with theirs, if the relationship is worth having.



  12.  #12Millie on March 16, 2016 at 10:33 pm

    Miss Stix 4–

    I have felt that feeling during lovemaking as well…at the time with a man who completely adored me and I felt very safe and secure with him. One night during s*x, I noticed I felt disconnected and withdrawn, like there was a stranger on top of me, kissing me, and I had no reaction, no connection to it. For me, I think it was my fear of intimacy coming out…that we hold onto it for so long, that when a man IS showing up in a way that allows us and challenges us to take those barriers down– and we aren’t used to it, our reaction is to close up like a clam and we “don’t know” why that is happening. I could not express my feelings to him either, as I didn’t want to hurt him and I knew what I felt had nothing to do with him at the moment. I also think that for me, I can open up for a time and then feel scared and resort back to being shut down because it feels safer than truly feeling, being, and connecting in the moment. The intimacy we seek can actually be a trigger for shutting down…at least that is how I felt and saw in myself when that happened to me. Does that resonate with you at all?



  13.  #13Millie on March 16, 2016 at 10:40 pm

    Angela 2–

    I feel your heartache dear siren and know so much how it feels to wish you could change who you are in order to gain a man’s love. Reading your story, I see this man as a stepping stone to becoming a greater version of yourself, uncovering those jealous feelings and insecurities and discovering what pain you have deep down that is actualizing itself in this projection onto him. Jealousy can be an indication that you don’t feel safe with this man….but I also think this is an opportunity for you to find out what is going on with YOU. If I were in your situation, I would take my focus off of him, and focus 100% on me and really listening to where those feelings are coming from. Utilize the space he is giving you to get to know YOU better. When he does contact you again, you will have better understanding of yourself and can then let him know what you would like to do. One thing I have learned is telling a man something “I trust you” and actually trusting him without even having to say it…sends two different messages. One from the mind and the other from your body.



  14.  #14Millie on March 16, 2016 at 10:54 pm

    Lovergirl 10–

    I want to give you an enormous hug!!! And let you know that Lovergirl, you are incredibly lovable!!! I read your strong, feminine, unique voice on this blog and I admire you so much!! One thing I am wondering, because I have seen you mention this before….that you feel that no man would want the complete package of you plus your children. I wonder where this feeling comes from? I don’t question your love for them, but I wonder if you feel any resentment towards yourself for this? I have also been reading that what you believe will actualize itself…choosing to believe that what you want can actually happen, will make walls crumble. I can personally attest to that…

    I have had men tell me similar things about texting/calling! For me what it comes down to is how I feel when initiate…does if feel good or bad? and let that guide you. In the beginning, I don’t like to initiate. Mostly though, I feel like those men aren’t looking for the relationship dynamic that I’m looking for… I will say a feeling message about how good it feels to hear from him or something…and see what he does. Mostly those men have some anger around it and see me as entitled or having an “agenda.” On the flip side, I recently had a encounter with my guy friend T. We talk on the phone a lot and the other day he said he wanted to talk on the phone, but could I call him because he always calls. I looked at him with a smirk on my face and let there be silence, he was looking me in the face with a smile too…and then he laughed and said, “no that would be weird, I’ll call you!” And I laughed and said “yeah I was thinking….wait! But I’m the girl!” It was all very playful, and he did call me and it felt so wonderful. He’s just a friend, but that’s exactly what I want to feel with the man I’m dating. He steps up, playfully, and enjoys the masculine/feminine dynamic.



  15.  #15Millie on March 16, 2016 at 11:15 pm

    I just signed up!!! I love tele classes!!! Hearing women’s voices really helps me and I love the siren community 🙂



  16.  #16Gazelle on March 17, 2016 at 4:00 am

    Dear Rori and Sirens,

    I’ve always enjoyed your blog posts. They give me many important, frequent reminders how how to relax, get into myself, focus on loving and healing me, etc.

    I’ve been struggling with a common situation recently: my husband’s infidelity. We have been together 7 years, married for 3. We have been living apart because of work for the last four years (we had a plan to reunite this year actually). The relationship was difficult with all sorts of insecurities of mine seeping in and making things worse. However, late last year, I discovered he was having an affair with a colleague of his. He confessed it, and says he loves her and wants to be with her. Says she is his soulmate and he is intensely in love with her.

    However, he has broken off the relationship (because I said he couldn’t even talk with me if he was in touch with her). To what end… I don’t know. So far, he has not said he wants to reconcile and has not made any attempt to do so. She lives in yet another country so I am sure they are seeing each other.

    I am in a lot of pain but I am taking active steps to focus on myself, heal myself (I lost myself in the hecticness of what was a transcontinental relationship and a fairly high profile job) and discover what I also want. I don’t feel I am addicted to him or clinging to him, but I also feel an obligation to work things out since we are married and have built a life together. He has a long history of cheating. He even cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship but said that he was totally committed to me and would never do it again. But he did.

    I know the failure of the marriage was partially my fault and I am prepared to work on that, but the cheating is completely his deal. I know that.

    So Rori, friends: Any advice on how to proceed would be much appreciated. Thank you for all your love and care, in advance.



  17.  #17Indigo on March 17, 2016 at 7:55 am

    Millie,

    I adore what you’ve said to Angela in #13.



  18.  #18Indigo on March 17, 2016 at 8:06 am

    Lovergirl 10,

    Just to give you some hope, I know a woman in her late 30s with 3 children (all youngish and still in school) and she has a happy relationship with a truly gorgeous man. Actually I know many women with children in loving relationships with men who are not their children’s father, and it never seemed to put any of these men off. When a man loves you, this will not be an obstacle.

    As far as texting a man first, my experience is that it is fine to do this occasionally. It’s even rather nice. But with a few caveats…

    Firstly, I wouldn’t do it early on. Not in the first 6 weeks – 2 months. Not until you know each other better, and the relationship is safer and more solid.

    Secondly, probably most importantly, check your energy when you do it. If you want to ask him for something, or feel needy or urgent in any way, don’t do it. You can kind of “feel” when your vibe is rockstar or sireny and that is the vibe you want to project – soft, warm, feminine and completely in control. Anything that even sounds like whining or desperation is such a bad idea! Also, don’t have important conversations over text… I think this comes back to don’t initiate a text to ask for something.

    Finally, check your expectations. Dominique says you can lean forward as long as you have no agenda and no expectations and I love this, because quite often we “give to get” so to speak. So if you’re fine with however he responds to your text (even if that is no response or a late response) then go ahead.

    Hope this helps 🙂



  19.  #19MissStix on March 17, 2016 at 9:18 am

    Rori-
    Awesome 🙂 happy to participate in helpful discussions.

    Millie- it does resonate. Totally.



  20.  #20BeLoved on March 17, 2016 at 10:43 am

    Other People’s Behaviour: Why do you want it to be about you?

    If other people’s behaviour is about you, what is your own behaviour about? Who is your behaviour about?

    I used to be an equal opportunity blame absorber. Any time something went wrong or I sensed that something might go wrong, I put me in the centre of it. I blamed me and what I discovered as I started being more honest with myself is that not only has blame got nothing to do with responsibility but it’s a wonderful distraction from having to be truly responsible for our own stuff and ultimately from taking action.

    If you have a pesky habit of taking the blame for other people’s behaviour as if you’re a master puppeteer and so influential that one false move can give you a special version of a person’s character specially reserved for “worthless” and “provoking” people, in some way, even if you don’t realise that you’re doing it, you’re blaming somebody somewhere for your own actions. On a conscious level you may be going, “Me, me, me, it’s all about me” but subconsciously, you may have a number of beliefs based around this idea that if this, this and this hadn’t happened and this person and that person had or hadn’t done something, you wouldn’t be doing what you’re doing.

    That’s what takes away your options because focusing on the blame doesn’t really leave you with anything to do. You can’t change anything with it other than your state of mind and your ability to move forward.

    For instance, you might feel incredibly wounded by not being ‘chosen’ by somebody or being what you feel is ‘replaced’. Whoever they were with after you, you’ve made that about you, so you’ve blamed you for the fact that your relationship didn’t work out (that’s the equivalent of cutting them out of the photo and superimposing your face as if you had all of the power to make or break the relationship and they had zero contribution) and then seen their choice of next partner as being directly related to you.

    Blame is in its own way, a means of feeling important but also a way of remaining connected to a person and situation….

    The rest of the post is at
    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/other-peoples-behaviour-why-do-you-want-it-to-be-about-you/



  21.  #21Mandy on March 17, 2016 at 10:55 am

    I agree with Indigo…nothing should be an obstacle if a man is in love with you.

    At this point in my learning it just makes the most sense.

    My dad worships the ground my mom walks on, and there’s nothing anyone can do to convince him not to, because he’s made up his mind a long time ago that she’s the best, best, best woman for him.

    Heck, she EVEN threatened divorce once when he became depressed and was acting nasty towards her. He didn’t ask any questions, but cleaned his act up and changed his ways, from being verbally harsh to thinking about what he said before he said it, and though it can be a struggle when dealing with ADHD and depression, he’s on medication and sees a Psychiatrist. He would do that for her.

    So I don’t think children would really influence a man loving a woman. If he really wants and loves her, her children will also be something important to him and he will not try to get between a woman and her kids.

    Super important. Yes!

    I am freaked out because I know a lot of the good men were snatched up when I was younger…even my psychiatrist said this. Not all of them, persay, but lots.
    He told me I have to wonder why a guy isn’t married by age 30 and I go, well, I’m not either, and it’s not because I suck as a person..lol 😛

    Oh man, I was watching old music videos…and there was one where it was of a man and a woman having a wedding ceremony and I got a little choked up and I realized ya, okay, I’ll freaking admit it, I want marriage, why wouldn’t I.

    Hey, I would look FABULOUS in a wedding dress. 🙂



  22.  #22MissStix on March 17, 2016 at 11:21 am

    Mandy-
    It is so interesting to me “you have to wonder why a man isn’t married by the time he’s 30.

    If I really do wonder about it I come up with all kinds of good possibld reasons:

    Marriage is a BIG commitment to responsible men. They want to do it only once and with the right person.

    They have a mission to complete first. They want to feel ready.

    They don’t want to think they’ve missed out on doing things they want to do first.

    Thinking of all the men I know maybe half married before 30 and have did not. The half that did not are great men. The half that did are all now divorced…Not one is still married. Maybe we are the divorce crew. I’m divorced as well and so are all my girlfriends that married before 30. None of our marriages worked.
    Probably doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know. But my conclusion is that there doesn’t have to be some horrible character flaw with an unmarried man over 30. Maybe he’s the smart one. Maybe he’s the really great one that WILL stick by a woman for life when he does do it.



  23.  #23Angela on March 17, 2016 at 11:34 am

    Indigo 11. I love this: “I would find a man who says things like that to be difficult to communicate with. I’ve come to the belief that in a good relationship, we want someone who is gentler and more patient with our flaws, and we should strive to be gentler and more patient with theirs, if the relationship is worth having.”
    It feels so good to hear that. I feel like i want that and need it and its my dream. I just need to figure out what I feel I need. It just feels a little scary to start over to believe I am not too intense for a man.

    And to answer your question we have been together for 2 years. 🙁
    When I am calm and sweet and accepting of him he is the best man he can be. But as soon as an insecurity kicks in it goes downhill and he runs away. And he says he is no longer in love. Im not saying i want a man who puts up with drama but i want a man who will walk though it with me. Who will hold my hand and say i love you and its ok. Is that too much to ask for?
    And about him we talked yesterday. I did ask him to move out by the end of the month.
    I said something in me just didn’t feel right with him not taking me to his workplace not during his work time, (he works in retail). I again asked why. he said “yes to be honest you are right I do want to give an appearance of being single”. Ouch! So i calmly asked why. And he replied with its just my job.
    He also mentioned that he would never cheat nor is he looking for someone or something else out there, that he is not capable of liking his coworkers .He mentioned that he is tired of my insecurities and that it kills the love for me. But that he likes the life he has with me when there is no “drama”
    I stood quietly tried to be calm and let it be.
    He slept next to me at night.

    So that was that.
    As of yesterday I have started an online dating profile.
    And have been communicating with some nice guys.
    I feel like that takes the pressure off him and it makes me see what else is out there. 🙂



  24.  #24Angela on March 17, 2016 at 11:42 am

    Millie thank you for your comment.
    Reading your kind words of understanding feels really good.
    Yes Millie this is what I see this relationship as a lesson to better myself to become a better partner but also its so amazing how someone can come into our lives and show us how we are truly living and what needs change.
    With him I have realized that I need a life of my own.
    I need to go out more be happy.
    And yes work on those insecurities. If anything I believe now more than ever that I want a good happy love life.
    I am hopeful that one day it will happen. Not sure if with him.
    But my heart fills with joy when I think about it.
    He has shown me that I dont need to be scared of having a relationship anymore. 🙂



  25.  #25Indigo on March 17, 2016 at 11:57 am

    Mandy 21,

    I totally agree with Miss Stix, re: men who are unmarried at 30. The divorce rate for people who marry younger IS higher. I should know, I got married at 22 and divorced at 27, and it was for exactly the reason MissStix said – I had so many things I still wanted to accomplish for myself and I didn’t feel I could do that with the huge responsibility for someone else’s happiness saddled onto me. I know that many men feel the same way. The ones who are not married young are not necessarily commitment-phobic or emotionally unavailable… many of them take marriage seriously and want to be in the right place in their lives so they have the maximum amount to offer. Of the guys in their 30s whom I know who are not married, sure some of them have something of the Peter Pan about them, but I think for the most part they are not in a rush, they are taking it slow. I used to think this was a bad sign, but now I think the opposite. They are also some of the most loyal, consistent and supportive people I know.

    Obviously I completely sympathise with your frustration, and with your desire to get married, because I feel exactly the same way. But I have slowly come to the conclusion that if something is worth having, it is worth taking your time to decide. Let it happen naturally. There is something very beautiful and mellow and wise about being settled later in life… ask Dominique 😉



  26.  #26April Rose on March 17, 2016 at 1:41 pm

    Angela,

    He sounds like a good honest guy.

    In my experience I have really killed the romance and the passion by ‘splurging’ my insecurities all over a man.
    They really have NOTHING to do with him, and will kill the attraction between you if you try to make him deal with them.
    Have you listened to any of Rori’s programmes?
    I totally recommend Reconnect Your Relationship. It will walk you through finding your own siren centre, find your own happiness, and then let that happiness (rather than any uncomfortable emotion) spill over onto your man and your relationship.

    What you wrote here really makes sense to me “When I am calm and sweet and accepting of him he is the best man he can be.” The thing to find out, from your heart, is whether he can take a bit of the rough with the smooth. A good man needs to be able to live with discomfort now and again.
    I also agree with the ladies here who say you can really learn more about yourself through this experience. Have you heard of ‘nasty voices’? These are the things in our mind which make us feel insecure in the first place. Rori suggests lots of ways to deal with them. She even says that once you recognise the pattern, you can put the nasty voice in the corner and give it a cookie! And then continue being a happy confident siren…. 🙂



  27.  #27April Rose on March 17, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    But basically, insecurities are those mind patterns that make us fear the worst, and create those worst-feeling fantasies in our minds.

    According to Carol Allen (astrologer), some men bring out those patterns in us more than other men. It can be seen astrologically.

    As for me, I was so very insecure in myself, that even a saintly man would have had me feeling jealous and threatened.
    I’ve been working on this theme long and hard.

    Two of the best tools for keeping it calm are 1. Gratitude (for all the beautiful and the simple things in my life) and 2. Focussing on being happy. Giving emphasis to well-being and joy. The mind is such that it naturally exaggerates the negative. Sooo, I have to deliberately accentuate the positive.



  28.  #28Liquid Light on March 17, 2016 at 2:04 pm

    Azure #5, any time my friend!! Big cheers and hugs to you!!! xo LL



  29.  #29April Rose on March 17, 2016 at 2:08 pm

    Liquid Light,

    How is your dating going? I have high hopes for you, and feel a sparkle of something beautiful going to happen for you this year.



  30.  #30Starla on March 17, 2016 at 2:50 pm

    There is so much good about me. Not just “good” but really special and unique. Magic that you can’t find anywhere else. I have magic that is soft and shimmery and magic that is electric and bright. I am walking life and I breathe life fully. I am sharp and awake and not asleep at the wheel. I believe that anything is possible and I love to see that and to show that. I am proof and I am comfort.

    I KNOW all these things to be true about myself. But I lose sight of it and get swallowed up by darkness. It makes me feel so tiny. I let others make me feel tiny and I allow them overshadow what’s good about me with their own darkness. They put their darkness upon me and I let them.

    I do not believe that all that goodness about me is enough unless I only come to the table with all good and no bad. And If i am totally honest, I have sought out and/or sabotaged romantic situations for the sake of reinforcing this. Sounds silly but I guess some of the psych101 stuff really does hold up.

    I am currently in a romantic situation where I feel that I am only seen and loved if I am giving him what he wants. Sometimes this looks like being needy in a way that makes him feel like my savior. Most of the time it looks like only being my best, most glowing self. If I venture away from these two options and express any displeasure or confusion, I feel like he really punishes me. I spend a lot of time feeling like I better watch what I say and how I present anything – from mundane to serious.

    I know all I can do is seek to heal my own self in terms of acceptance and deep fears about only being lovable if I am catering to what others want from me. I can do that and/or I can leave the relationship. For now I am going to keep trying to heal myself. I will do it for me, though, and not for him. If I end up needing to leave too, then that’s okay.

    It all has to be okay.



  31.  #31MissStix on March 17, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    Angela

    Looks like you did great staying calm and letting him talk.
    The most important communication tool IMHO. Far more important to listen and process than it is to speak.
    Good stuff setting up a profile and making space to interact with men.
    Awesome awesome awesome.



  32.  #32Dixie on March 17, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Rori,

    First, I felt so saddened to hear about your mothers passing….I know how devastating and “foreign” loss can feel. I hope your heart holds all your dear memories close while you are going through this raw stage of grief. For me, I simply processed each feeling as they came up, in minutes, hours, days, weeks.

    Second, and this is for the kind words of the Sirens here and to Rori: thank you, thank you. The pregnancy “scare” led to such a warm and loving conversation with D., and since then, it feels like the communication doors have opened with the wind. I’ve learned just to sink into my feelings and speak from the heart, something I wish I knew how to do long ago…
    I’ve been struggling with feelings of less-than, and when u shared this with him, he was very supportive. I like that I’ve learned to lean on myself first, find strength there, rather than feel the urgency to look to others to provide that. What a profound shift for me!!

    I don’t want to write more now, just processing a lot lately, but I know that the support here has felt so reassuring and safe. Victoria, Mandy…. Thank you.

    We had the forever talk today….he says he wants me forever. Always. And now I just need to let all these swirling feelings settle. I know that “always” does not mean “now” and that’s okay with me. I have some internal cobwebs to clean, lol. But knowing that he is thinking of the future…. Wow.

    Thank you Rori, thank you sirens. Xox



  33.  #33Dixie on March 17, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    Oops: “when I shared this with him” not ” when u shared this with him”.

    Typos 🙂



  34.  #34MissStix on March 17, 2016 at 3:18 pm

    ((((Starla))))

    You ARE magical. You are amazing. You are stardust, you are golden, billion year old carbon… :p

    You can break this pattern for you. I believe in you!
    I see you…You are a prize. You are worthy of strong, stable love with a man who is solid. Whoever he is…
    The only thing I ever think holds you back is not believing in yourself, trusting in yourself. Intuition is not the enemy…it’s a dance partner and you are in the lead.
    Love you



  35.  #35Starla on March 17, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    ((((Stix))))

    My intuition is all out of whack. It says nothing is safe, but that can’t possibly be my intuition. It’s like I got a self-doubt track installed instead of intuition. Thanks, Mom 😛

    I wonder what believing in myself REALLY looks like. I feel much more grounded when my sense of self and my actions are tied to how it will make someone else feel or act. Conditioning from my upbringing. I guess that’s overfunctioning of its own kind.



  36.  #36Dixie on March 17, 2016 at 4:33 pm

    Starla:

    “I know all I can do is seek to heal my own self in terms of acceptance and deep fears about only being lovable if I am catering to what others want from me. I can do that and/or I can leave the relationship. For now I am going to keep trying to heal myself. I will do it for me, though, and not for him. If I end up needing to leave too, then that’s okay.”

    This is essentially where I started growing my heart muscles Starla. Hugs to you 🙂



  37.  #37Mandy on March 17, 2016 at 11:01 pm

    MissStix – I hope you’re right, lol 🙂 That’s why I waited. I didn’t want to marry the wrong man, and i wanted to have my BA, and a plan.

    Indigo – It’s funny because my psychiatrist was the one to bring it up, unmarried guys over 30, not having been married yet, lol…

    But exactly that, I wanted at least to have my BA before marriage so that didn’t get in the way, and I have it now, so now…just…you know…trying to learn how to meet a better and better man, until one day, one who is goal oriented, with manners and a soul, and some stability, pops the question.

    I’m doing better than I was. I dated a bunch of deadbeats for the longest time. Now I have men who have careers and who cannot fall off the straight and narrow picking me up for dates.

    Oh boy though. I find my……self……in an attraction that wouldn’t work too well I don’t think. DancingWolf – I’m just kind of stuck on the physical aspect of the friendship. We had some mind-blowing intimacy, and it was one of the first times I was actually able to climax with another person. Not saying he’s the one who made it happen lol, I know I am, but I also know that an orgasm induces hormonal attachment. I think that’s what’s going on because there’s no reason why I should believe he’s interested in me romantically – sure, he offers to help me, by listening to me, and seeing me, and being very sweet when he does see me, BUT….he isn’t messaging me, calling me…yes I saw him, but that’s done with, and I am receiving nothing new. I’m pretty sure he just kind of expects me to come to him.

    Well, TallNDark is pretty freaking awesome!!!!

    It’s greta because I don’t catch myself obsessing over him like i did in the past with guys. Just thinking about them every waking moment.

    But I like him and I like how he treats me. He must have been to my place at l;east five times by now. We promised each other we would go one date without having sex, lol. I can do it, but it will be hard to not think about it and get turned on lol. I get the feeling we are both very very attracted to each other but we’re both dying to get to know each other more as well because we’ve spent so much time in bed, lol.

    Yikes. I know…feeling messages…lol…yikes, I just…I missed sex, lol…I really did 😛

    I had better catch myself while I’m on it and relax, lol.

    Ah jeez though. It can be bad. The hormones. I really mean that! I feel completely overwhelmed by my own libido.
    Sometimes I think I’m just as driven as a guy in that department, and it worries me! Sometimes….it takes over my thoughts. I just can’t quit thinking about how this one man is so very attractive to me and I can’t figure out exactly why he is. All I know is it’s carnal. And that I cannot always have what I want…



  38.  #38Indigo on March 17, 2016 at 11:15 pm

    Starla,

    I see so much of myself in you. I think you and I are around about the same age, you might be a year or two younger than me.

    I also know that I am magical. I KNOW this. I have always known it, since I was a little girl. And not bubbly and sparkly and gregarious, but actually magical. I have an imagination as wide as the sea, and a heart as deep as the centre of the earth, and passion which is so intense that I cry sometimes because I can’t contain it. I have a capacity for love, and especially for hope that is many, many times beyond anyone I have ever met, and this both exponentially increases my joy in life, and my sorrow. But on balance, joy wins out because hope never lets you give up. It opens your heart wide to let possibility in, even when other people think you are foolish and laugh at you, and as much as I have tried to listen to the naysayers I never really can because this is not where my North star points.

    I am a deeply, deeply principled and transparent person, and I know that few people, certainly here where I am, have any idea how to take me because of it. Honour and courage and loyalty, and again few people know how to take me because of this, because we live in a broken world where so many people are looking for your “angle” and are defending themselves against you even when there is no attack at all.

    People’s ability to recognise good is often skewed, and this is what I wanted to say to you, Starla. Yes, heaven knows you have insecurities, and I do too. And it’s worth it and necessary to every day get up, and make progress on these. Every day to move a little further away from the picture of doom and gloom and certain destruction that the nasty voices are painting (actually sometimes I like to think of my nasty voices as the director of one of those disaster movies like “Twister” or “Deep Impact”) and a little further towards calm and safety and stability and love.

    But I also think it’s good to know that if you are intensely aware, you will not always be on the same wavelength as others, including your man. For me, anyway, I have found it is no use fighting this and thinking others will always know what you are doing and saying. They won’t. They won’t always understand, and they will sometimes attribute wrong motives to you. This is not a function of your goodness or your badness, simply that a great many people will not be a good fit for you. Even the ones who are a good fit… uh, I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but just that a large degree of self-acceptance and also patience and forgiveness for others simply because of what they don’t know and cannot know is in order. With men especially I have found that they are not very aware, young men especially. They rely on us often to gently interpret things for them. This sounds so condescending but I don’t mean it that way.

    All this is to say, yes Starla, it has to be ok, and it IS ok. 🙂



  39.  #39Posie on March 18, 2016 at 1:39 am

    Indigo, I feel like a tiny piece of my heart mighta just fell in love with you and I want to come find you and curl up on a couch under a blanket with you for a cup of tea. Just sayin.



  40.  #40Indigo on March 18, 2016 at 2:21 am

    Posie,

    That makes me feel very happy and blushy to hear. It is such a nice feeling to feel that someone understands me, even if only a little. And I wish I had more female friends, so a cup of tea sounds great 🙂



  41.  #41Indigo on March 18, 2016 at 2:33 am

    I remember when I was in my early twenties and a relationship with a guy I loved very much broke up, and it broke my heart, a woman who was a mother figure to me at the time encouraged me to say this, to him, or even just to myself: “I forgive you for not being the person I wanted you to be.”

    I found it a little strange at the time, but it is a concept I have used and found helpful many times since then. Forgiving a person for not meeting up to the hopes and expectations you had for them. It’s very liberating. It feels very soft and gentle.



  42.  #42Tereana on March 18, 2016 at 7:51 am

    MissStix – something about your #4 post stood out to me. I’m not sure why. And maybe I’m putting my own filter of my experience on it. But I wondered…what was the question that you didn’t want to ask yourself? What was the answer you didn’t want to hear?

    I am familiar with these kinds of questions.

    It stood out to me that you were not able to express your feelings. You “stuffed them down.” But why? What was the precipitating momeht? What happened? What was said?

    To me, this sounds like something very specific. You used it – the “unfamiliarity” – to “enjoy” the moment, the experience. But did you? Were you there?

    I am asking only because I know that I often can dissociate during sex. When I dissociate, I am still active, I can still participate. But I cannot feel my feelings, nor speak them. I am aware of the situation, but I am not really “there.”

    What I’m wondering if you are asking us – or if you are asking yourself – is if you were abused in some way at some point in your life. Traumatic abuse, sexual or otherwise, can cause us to “shut down” or dissociate in certain triggering situations. Sex can be very triggering.

    So I don’t mean to trigger you now by asking you this. You do not even need to share or tell us anything. But you told us about this experience. It sounds like you don’t want to be alone in this. Like you might want support.

    What are your feelings on it?



  43.  #43MissStix on March 18, 2016 at 9:31 am

    Tereana

    The question was: Is it fair or right to let this man continue to love me, adore me and focus on me exclusively when i’m feeling unsure of I feel the same way about him?
    I don’t want him to leave yet at the same time i’ve felt strongly that i’m not in a place emotionally or mentally that has me desiring committment.
    I’ve thought about telling him to date other people or at least meet people. I did tell him I want to break up.
    I’m obviously still confused.

    I can’t say I was “abused” but I did have sexual experiences from a very young age. Maybe it was in some way…in the sense I was too young to consent but they were too young to be an abuser. Not much older than me.. Connecting sex with love and intimacy is something i’ve had to work on. It’s easier for me to have sex that’s just sex and nothing more. Using that unfamiliar feeling I was able to do that with him…Enjoy it physically, have an orgasm but no I was not connected with him.



  44.  #44Starla on March 18, 2016 at 10:07 am

    Indigo, thank you for your thoughtful reply! I think you really understand:)



  45.  #45Liquid Light on March 18, 2016 at 10:15 am

    April Rose,

    Wow, thanks for your support and enthusiasm! That feels so good to hear!

    I had a really fun date the other day. So we’ll see. Other than that, that’s about it on the dating front. Thanks for asking!



  46.  #46Angela on March 18, 2016 at 11:31 am

    I feel nervous writing about my experience here but I want to do it I feel happy thinking this is a safe space for me.
    He did not move out . Lets call him J.
    I wanted to in the beginning talk about the relationship.But I chose not to.
    It makes me feel terrible and needy. Its been 2 days i haven’t talked about “us”
    He is being nice to me he came home yesterday and gave me a hug called me by a sweet nickname, it felt good to receive some of his love, or whatever it is he feels for me.
    He then took me to school.
    We had lunch. I looked beautiful with a sundress many men were flirting, I received their attention like a goddess.
    He felt uncomfortable and got a bit angry.
    But didn’t say much.
    The night was pretty uneventful between me and him.
    We slept on the same bed.
    I feel shake saying the next part but here it goes.
    I have been talking to other guys from the online dating app.
    With one I have a lot in common with he makes me smile. i haven’t smiled like that in a long time. He’s talking about relationship… its too soon it makes me feel scared like is he crazy? He says he hasn’t meet a girl like me and that he hasn’t felt this way in a long time. Oh man …is he crazy?Am I really a siren? Have the feeling messages been working? 🙂 omg maybe?
    Idk Idk I dk . I feel like a cheater. But I am not a cheater. These other men take me away from focusing on J.
    What if that helps our relationship?
    What if i figure out J is not the one I want?
    What if I deserve better.
    I dont want to work hard in our relationship anymore I dont want to baby him anymore.
    And as we lay in bed yesterday I felt he felt a change i was no longer needing him or begging for sex, he turned to me and made a sweet noise and hugged me like he needed me. It felt good. I don’t want to feel needy but loved 🙂



  47.  #47MissStix on March 18, 2016 at 11:33 am

    I see how analyzing what I feel is keeping me stuck in a loop.
    I can be ok with not knowing what I want right now.
    I can stop asking questions. I don’t have to be certain and I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to know how it all adds up or why. I can breathe and let go.



  48.  #48Mandy on March 18, 2016 at 1:08 pm

    We’re having some great discussions here, Sirens.

    Ohhhh I so understand what MissStix means……in her post, #47….

    Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever truly be able to lean back…because I deal with OCD and worrying and anxiety disorders, and obsessive analyzation…

    It’s like I’m hard-wired to be masculine. 🙁

    Will I ever be able to just relax and lean back and be happy, to meet the right man? 🙁 I’m even on medications…I just…read this email that Rori’s team sends me since I signed up for the advice through email…

    She was talking about how she used to be anxious, worried, and frustrated, and working hard to keep a man around before her hubby came around…

    And she was mentioning about how it was about changing herself…quote –

    “….the real difference was all about ME….With the man in the booth, I was always on edge, on tender hooks. I was always worried, wondering, and caught up somehow. With my husband, I was relaxed, leaning back, and happy. You’d think that would be simple, but it took me years and years to get there. It took me years and years to just give a man like my husband a chance. Because what the man in the booth wanted was for me to make HIM happy. And what my husband wanted was to make ME happy! And, all those years ago, I was so busy running myself down and trying to make men happy, I couldn’t even ALLOW a man to make me happy. I’d pretty much turn any man who wanted to make me happy down flat.”

    I am still always on edge, and I don’t want it to take more years to figure out and find a husband…I also don’t want to have to work to make a guy happy…

    I just……I feel SO so so so so…..helpless here….all I ever do is slip back into my old repetitious anxious ways….:(

    I’ve caught myself recently softly crying when I think of children and marriage because I’ve been so scared of all of it until now, I didn’t realize I wanted it…

    I’m 35, time is running out for having children….

    As you can imagine I feel pressure, regardless of………having reasons not to feel pressure…..

    I feel very sad about it.

    Indigo, I know what you said was something to the effect of…your first marriage didn’t work…and I know I probably shouldn’t worry so much…but gosh, I feel sad sometimes…when I see people getting married, or when I think of a child of my own.

    The child thing is….this…I grew up with an exemplary set of parents who are very much still in love after 35 years of marriage. I want my child to grow up with that. I want to make sure if I can at all that the father of my child is going to stick around, be a good guy, provide and have a healthy relationship with both me and the child.

    GAH. Okay…that was SUPER tough to write because the truth hurts, and I hadn’t realized it all til now but it’s pretty overwhelming.

    It’s like oh CRAP…I might actually want marriage and a kid after all…:(



  49.  #49Indigo on March 18, 2016 at 1:36 pm

    (((Mandy)))

    My example was different and in a sense I’m in a much easier position generally because I don’t want children.

    If marriage and children is what you truly want, steer your heart and your life in that direction and it will happen for you.

    x



  50.  #50MissStix on March 18, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    (((Mandy)))

    I hear you. Sending you gentle vibes. Relaxation vibes. Letting go vibes.



  51.  #51Mandy on March 18, 2016 at 1:54 pm

    Awwwwwww thanks Sirens 😉 I’m starting to mellow out a bit after cleaning my apartment, oddly enough…who knows, maybe I’m feeling your vibes 🙂



  52.  #52Millie on March 18, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    Feeling lustful today…. Imagining how letting go, visiting M would feel. Imagining letting go of all my expectations, imagining how it feel to be present, to trust the right man will show up when the time is right, and just have fun and crazy s*x in the moment… Letting loose and letting my wild side out with no care to the consequences. Oh it feels indulgent to think about this and let my body feel it…to feel excited and passionate. To think of him as a source for my pleasure… And that’s all. Fun and pleasure. A boy toy. No thoughts running through my head about what he is or isn’t doing or what will happen… I fantasize about this.



  53.  #53Millie on March 18, 2016 at 11:37 pm

    But then my pride kicks in…and I remember how good it feels to be intimate with someone you are highly attracted to, the rush, and then the crash after…I would feel powerless, like I gave a piece of myself to someone who I have now taught that they can do whatever they want and have me too…that I would give freely while they dated other women, because I asked for nothing, gave without receiving first… No, I do not want that. I don’t want to go down that road again. My fantasy seems to be fueled by the fact that I am not having s*x with anyone right now…If I lived in abundance, with many eligible men wanting to sleep with me, I would not even been “fantasizing” about this option…because while he possesses many qualities I want in a man, those are not qualities than exist in one man in the entire world…there are many men with those qualities out there….the question is not when I will I find him, but when will I attract him. I feel proud of myself for choosing to trust the right man is out there…and for being aware of my desires and understanding why they are there. I honor my sexuality and I feel good saying no to what I don’t want, putting myself on a pedestal, my body a part of that.



  54.  #54Dixie on March 19, 2016 at 5:51 am

    (((Mandy)))

    You wrote: “The child thing is….this…I grew up with an exemplary set of parents who are very much still in love after 35 years of marriage. I want my child to grow up with that. I want to make sure if I can at all that the father of my child is going to stick around, be a good guy, provide and have a healthy relationship with both me and the child.

    GAH. Okay…that was SUPER tough to write because the truth hurts, and I hadn’t realized it all til now but it’s pretty overwhelming.”

    Mandy, the first time after the divorce when I realized that I wanted passion and lust but ALSO a loving, safe marriage was a huge turning point for me because as Indigo mentioned, I knew I was looking out for my own future happiness. I felt so grounded in that that it shifted my vibe and honestly, it’s funny, but all the great partners I had before, I wouldn’t even consider now. The passion was off the charts but the instability and uncertainty of it all now seems exhausting rather than exciting, lol.

    If your heart wants ALL of that -passion, excitement, trust, commitment and longevity- then as Indigo says, trust that vision for yourself, hold it in sight, don’t be afraid to share it, and watch different men show up.



  55.  #55Dixie on March 19, 2016 at 5:58 am

    Millie…..your feelings seem clear. You miss the passion and indulgent yummy physical aspects of a relationship but you want to enjoy that with someone who makes you feel GOOD about yourself, someone who honours you the way you honor yourself.

    M, from what you’ve mentioned here, doesn’t seem to fit that category….at least, not yet. But I love how YOU are processing this and seeing this and trusting yourself to make good decisions!



  56.  #56Millie on March 19, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    Thank you so much Dixie!!! I love hearing that 🙂

    M texted today and it is the first time I am ignoring his text. I’m not usually an “ignorer” unless it is someone that really isn’t getting it…even then I will usually be direct and end things. I’m not ready to ask him not to text me anymore… so we’ll see how he reacts to my no answer. He asked me if I’ve been on any dates, or if I’m in bed with someone…I just don’t feel like answering that.

    I was reading an email from Bob Grant the other day where he talked about how many of the women he works with complain about how the men they encounter are only looking for s*x, not a relationship. He said that is because women can get s*x easily, they KNOW they can get it when they want it, and men know they can get commitment easily. (Well some can) I’m assuming the hot player types which M kind of is, even though he’s insecure and not really a true player in my opinion..but what I took away from that is that with this type of man, who seeks a chase…and who can “get” women easily…commitment has to not only be his idea, but the woman has to lean super far back and almost push it away to “fix” the energy dynamic. He may not even come forward then because he’s not ready. Because he’s been continually showing that he is interested in s*x casually, I have been responding with what I want, which is to get to know him, to date, to talk on the phone..etc…all those things are things I want, but asking and saying them I think makes things MY idea instead of his. Yes, this is game playing, but I’m going to try to stop talking. Let my energy speak for itself. I know what I want and it doesn’t have to be from him. I know a lot of men feel pressured because women say what they want from them and they feel like they aren’t truly seen, respected, or understood because women are too busy watching what they are or aren’t doing. I’m not saying I have done anything wrong, I don’t think I have, it’s not like I’ve gone out of my way to tell him what I want, it has been in response to him asking something of me….So, we’ll see what happens. Feeling a little checked out right now.



  57.  #57Indigo on March 20, 2016 at 1:04 am

    Millie,

    I feel blown away by your self-awareness and I feel sure you will continue on this path. I hope you remember this at times when you are feeling low.



  58.  #58Zara on March 20, 2016 at 4:22 am

    Wow! Millie! That feels good to read. I feel so in alignment with your assessment here.

    And no, rest reassured, it is not game playing. It is what we are about, on here.

    I say what I don’t want, I put it out there for the man and Universe in general to catch. And that’s it!
    I keep open to what may come back, if anything comes back, but I don’t scrutinise the sky to search for it. I get off my telescope and go back to my physical life, here in my physical space, in my physical body. Whatever flies bye, well, it flies bye! I don’t have to open my window to let it in! I have said it is not for me, and I stick to what I said. No need to repeat myself for ever.
    When the good deal for me flies my way, I will recognise my own song, no worries. I’ll open my window all right. In the mean time, I don’t need to scrutinise all the flying objects. Ignoring them is no game. It is keeping grounded in my life and accepting what is.

    xxx

    (I heard Dr Pat Allen recommend to a woman to state 3 times what she does not want, then to just keep answering “dito” to every one of the man’s text as long as he keeps insisting doing what she does not want. The typical situation where the woman does not feel heard, what can she do? As you say, it has to be the man’s decision to switch and on the other hand the woman has to vote for herself and stick to her “don’t want”. So at some point, if she wants to keep the link alive and yet not lose herself, she writes back “dito” and again “dito” and so on, until the man’s texts switch to a better feeling content or until she gets bored with it and stops answering.)



  59.  #59BeLoved on March 20, 2016 at 11:50 am

    I just got home from the conference and unexpectedly burst into tears when I got to my room. I feel so sad, and probably the traveling/conference/out dancing all night stuff has me feeling more touchy.

    I scheduled a session with Sami for tomorrow morning, to try to get some clarity.
    I feel angry, and for a couple of days I felt mad as h3ll and took it out on the treadmill, which felt pretty good.

    Last night I met a man at a club who was in town for the conference. We hit it off and were dancing for a while, he was kissing me, stroking my back, being affectionate and gentle and it all felt sweet and good.
    Then…while we’re dancing, the club photographer took pictures of us. J says, “That’s not good…uh-oh.”
    I asked him, why? Are you married?
    “I’m getting my next divorce.”

    Um, ok, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him kissing on me now, knowing that. He tried to put my fingers in his mouth (on the dance floor), I pulled them away, then he got close and started humping my leg and I was done. Just, done. I turned and walked out of the club, I saw him looking for me so I went out the entrance and under one of the barricades so I could duck him and walk back to the hotel.

    I felt amused, because I was thinking, it’s good to know my “going through a divorce” radar still works across state lines!” I felt like my timing was perfect, that it was exactly the right time to leave. I didn’t feel angry with him or really much of anything about it, except the feeling of “done”.



  60.  #60Dixie on March 20, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    BeLoved,

    I’m sorry about your experience….it reminded me of what one of the Sirens once wrote about boundaries, specifically, that when we bump up against one of our boundaries, the feeling is clear and palpable.

    It seems your radar is laser-sharp and definitely protected you!



  61.  #61Liquid Light on March 20, 2016 at 3:52 pm

    I just had a really good second date. We just really clicked – the conversation flowed so well and we have so many things that we shared – passions, love of nature, creativity, artists and experiences that resonate with both of us. It was really cool. At the end of brunch, I thanked him and he said No thank you for spending time with me! And that he really enjoyed it. It was very sweet. He’s got a joie de vivre that I really like.

    I can feel my guard coming down with him too. I’ve had so many bad dates, and have found my dates to be lacking compared to my ex, that dating has been really disappointing. But I’m feeling myself open up with him more than I have in a while. It feels really good.

    The one thing that I’m still feeling uneasy about though is I don’t feel that feeling of hot chemistry and attraction as much as I did with my ex. The chemistry with him was off the charts, and that’s kind of what I want/expect. Any thoughts on this Sirens? This is definitely something that I could use help with because otherwise, the connection is really amazing so far. Thanks!



  62.  #62MissStix on March 20, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    The other night I had a strange dream that seems to amount to being ready to let go of the past and move through an emotional transitional period in my life.

    I don’t think it’s just beginning. I think i’m moving through it and onward into more easy and positive feeling experiences.
    I’ve felt it. Yesterday I felt positive energy running through me.



  63.  #63MissStix on March 20, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    Hit submit too soon…

    Even through a very long traffic jam on my way home from work I felt pumped playing good music and enjoying the me time.

    I feel excited for spring…Rain and sunshine and electrical storms 🙂
    Natural energy to feed off.

    I feel myself sinking into a calmness. I feel a sense of ok-ness. All things are right and well and moving along as they should.

    My weekend has been very nice. Quiet. Went to the mall with the man and noticed people looking and smiling at us. That always happens when we are in good energy together. We radiate lol
    It felt uplifting.



  64.  #64BeLoved on March 20, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    Awww, Dixie, looking at it that way feels nice, thank you! I didn’t know what to make of my own behavior sometimes! Nothing to be sorry about, though, the man was in GREAT shape and was more than happy to dance his a$$ off with me! I danced so hard and for so long, when I got back to the hotel my jeans were totally soaked in sweat (deep bass!!). It was 99% terrific and 1% NO.

    Even better, when I walked out to cross the street, a big white SUV pulled up at the stop sign. The driver and I made contact, and at the same time we both gave each other a slow nod and a peace sign. It was synced perfectly, and not something I normally do so it felt novel and interesting, and somehow validating.



  65.  #65BeLoved on March 20, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    *made EYE contact



  66.  #66Millie on March 20, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Indigo and Zara–

    Thank you for your supportive words! I love feeling my growth reflected in your reactions and support!

    Zara- “lose myself” is so true….I noticed that when a man kind of “ignores” my assertions of what I want and continues to say comments that align with HIS interest- I can lose myself by continually feeling compelled to respond. In that sense he has the control. That feeling of being compelled, feels energy sucking and “going along” with a behavior I don’t support. I searched deep down to find an answer to why I feel compelled and what came up is that it stems from a fear of losing him. “If I ignore him, will he be mad and stop reaching out?!” It is that fear that keeps a man at a distance. I have to not be afraid of losing “him.” (Or the energy he is sending to me) When I follow how *I* feel and am no longer afraid of the consequences, the space opens up for him…and I regain control of ME. So, ignoring those kinds of texts feels right–and he can either move on to another girl or he can say “hmm let me try again” or “hmmm what WILL she respond to?” and activate him coming up with ideas. I feel really good about this current perspective I have unearthed!

    He did send a second text kind of acknowledging that I hadn’t replied, but it wasn’t a question so I felt no need to respond to that either.



  67.  #67Millie on March 20, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    Liquid Light 61–

    I have come across that same issue….meeting a great guy who you have a lot in common with and is enamored by you…only to feel no chemistry (or not as good as with previous men.) I would say that for me, I have decided to give these men at least three dates and if I feel icky at the idea of kissing them, then they are most likely suited to be just a friend. However, I have also heard that a woman’s physical attraction can grow over time, as the man pursues her love. I have this with a guy friend of mine, who while is not pursuing me romantically, my feelings of attraction have grown over the time I have gotten to know him. So, I do think it is possible to fall in love with someone you don’t have a strong romantic connection with at first. I am looking for the answer of how to handle this as well without completely relinquishing to friend status and watching the pot hoping it will boil.

    Have you read/heard the discussions about pheramonal attraction? Zara posted a good Pat Allen talk awhile back that kind of discussed the science behind “hot chemistry.” It was really interesting!



  68.  #68Millie on March 20, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    Liquid Light–I’m sorry I misread your post! I thought you were saying you didn’t feel any chemistry, but I reread it and saw you said that he feels amazing, but not as off the charts as your ex. That is so great!!!!! Put that pot on the stove and let it simmer…soon it will boil! ! and be hot hot hot as the flame grows 🙂



  69.  #69Millie on March 20, 2016 at 10:10 pm

    I want to add one more thought that came to mind regarding the M situation…

    What do you ladies think of this idea:
    If a man is not stepping up when we state what we want/what would feel good and continually speaks from an energy that does not feel good to us….and we keep stating what we want– then the underlying message that he may hear is “I want to date you. I want you to do all of these things” and he may feel controlled if he follows what we ask and fear that he would end up in the same relationship he left…. (In M’s case.) It makes sense he would not honor her because she is still open to dating even though he is “behaving badly.” To shift the dynamic, our (my) attitude must directly relate to his actions. Instead of the underlying message being “I am still open to dating you if you do A, B, and C…” I think the message needs to shift to “His energy isn’t coming towards me in a way that aligns with what I want to feel, therefore I am not open to dating him.” Once the message shifts to that and the woman truly feels that…he will feel he’s lost her and she is no longer seeking commitment from him. Without that pressure, he can either choose not to keep contacting her (because he really is only seeking something non-committal), or pursue her in a way that is his idea. (Because he knows how to pursue women, we don’t need to tell him how.) Please know this isn’t a strategy, nor am I trying to find ways to “get him back.” I’m definitely seeing this as practice and a process now and experimenting with different ways to honor myself.



  70.  #70Indigo on March 20, 2016 at 11:42 pm

    Millie 69,

    That is such an interesting discussion/concept, and I must say I have had many of the same thoughts myself. I admit I have found myself with the thoughts of, “why would I say I was still open to dating him when he has behaved badly, when all he would have to do to earn my time and possibly my commitment after he has hurt me is take me out a few times?” It doesn’t feel right.

    My personal feeling is, and I say personal because I think it can potentially be different for each woman, is that I would want to give it a lot of time before I consider going down that road again. And mind you, time during which I don’t keep his hopes alive that something may happen between us again. I’m talking of a complete break. No contact preferably. If you can manage just friends during this time that would be ok too, but I find for me it is often too painful.

    So personally, my feeling is the two of you need a lot of breathing room for a while, the dust has to settle and if you are going to come back it needs to be to a completely fresh and new relationship where you start from the beginning. This has happened to me twice in my own life, and resulted in the man who was maybe only half in-half out before treating me remarkably well later. I think usually it’s because they’ve matured and had a chance to do the things they wanted with their lives and reflected on their own behaviour and now want different things.

    The first case was with my ex-husband – we broke up after dating for nearly 2 years in university, and we had a period of time where we had no contact and even lived in separate countries. When he “came back” he invited me to move with him and married me 6 months later.

    The other case was a guy I dated for about 3 months and I broke up with him because he seemed overly consumed with his work and a bit emotionally unavailable. He came back after 8 years and pursued me hard for months, spoiling me and treated me like an absolute queen. I didn’t have any romantic feelings for him though and when I finally told him it was not going to happen, he went on to date someone else and married her a few months later.

    So, that’s what I believe.



  71.  #71Posie on March 21, 2016 at 12:31 am

    Millie, For me, when I find myself down those twisting turning paths of thinking, it’s usually because I’m trying to convince myself of a lot of stuff that shouldn’t really need convincing. I’m undertaking an invisible negotiation with my own boundaries to find ways to force a fit.

    For me, it should feel relatively simple. I say what I want with confidence, without blame or shame or anger. Just clear and simple and usually with a spirit of happiness.

    Then the other person responds with word and action. If they don’t seem to want to try to approach my wants I get to decide if I stick around or move along. I do NOT get to:
    1) label their behaviour as bad either way. Unless I’m in a committed relationship with them and we have clearly communicated and shared expectations that have been broken. This isn’t that.
    2) complain if I choose to stay.
    3) ruminate

    I mean, I guess I could do those things. But then I wouldn’t really be coming from that space of easy, non-blaming/shaming, happy confidence. It wouldn’t feel good to do those things. I’d be “hustling” for my own self-worth as Brene Brown would say.

    My concern here isn’t whether he feels controlled, whether he will respond well. My concern is about my own sincerity, happiness, and confidence. If he’s right for me, he’ll be attracted to that. Not scared away by it. If he’s scared away by it, see you later and all the best on your journey. No resentment. No ill-will. No judgement about his person. I’m in control of myself.

    That said, it sure does sound easy on paper. I have my own history of chemical romances with unavailable men.

    I have one right now and he is so darn unavailable and charming. And I feel a tingly and anxious longing and get butterflies when he shows up. I don’t know what to do with that myself. But I try to just sit with it and not do too much at all.



  72.  #72Millie on March 21, 2016 at 2:48 am

    Indigo– that’s so interesting to hear about your exes that came back!! Yes I can see how no contact is beneficial here. Removing myself from what doesn’t feel good is also the right thing to do.

    Posie— I actually disagree with you in the sense that I don’t feel I am trying to convince myself of anything here. I am navigating my boundaries and looking to align my actions with my heart and feelings, while sharing my thoughts and processing. I have read a lot of readings from the make perspective too and do seek to understand and respect masculine energy and encourage it in the best way I can. I think I have come a long way from the painful nights of rumination I used to experience. Now I feel no pain in discussing this man, it has transformed into a stepping stone I can use as practice. Thank you for pointing out that I sounded judgey but saying he “behaved badly” a though I think even he agrees with that from when we have talked. You are right though, there is no “bad” or “good” only how we feel in reaction to another’s words or choices. I feel proud of myself for speaking clearly and genuinely to him. I feel happy with how I am choosing to handle this as it is the best of my ability at this present moment. It gets easier every day. I don’t feel resentment towards him, in fact I think I have been very kind, assertive, and understanding of his position. So whatever happens will happen!



  73.  #73Posie on March 21, 2016 at 7:00 am

    Millie I honesty didn’t mean you. I meant me. So no need to disagree with me at all! It’s not an argument, there’s no sides or even right or wrong in all this….

    If I was going through those things that you describe, they would be signs for me to pay attention to. I was just reflecting on my own ways of being and how I might process a similar situation (which I most certainly have experienced). If there’s something of value for you there than great! 🙂

    And of course we’re all learning and making progress. And there’s bumpy messy parts in the middle. And happy growth in there as well. For me too!



  74.  #74Millie on March 21, 2016 at 8:09 am

    Posie– oh I see! Yes thank you for sharing and it does help me 🙂



  75.  #75Azure Blu on March 21, 2016 at 8:13 am

    Millie #69
    Wow… this all sounds like Happy growth to me!!!
    Of course I would agree with the baby steps you are taking and Alll the practicing you are using M for!

    I did the same with Spirit
    For me practicing with someone whom I have sooo much feelings for
    caused NEW growth and self love…
    was/is very emotionally scary and intimacy/heart muscle growing…
    YOU GO GIRL!



  76.  #76Azure Blu on March 21, 2016 at 8:24 am

    Liquid Light #61
    Ohhh.. so happy to hear you’re enjoying this new guy
    2nd date!!

    as far as Not having the chemistry you have experienced before…
    I think we all struggle with this question!!
    I LOVE the feeling of immediate Chemistry
    BUT I know the pitfalls only TOO WELL!!!

    I have tried with several men whom I didn’t have any chemistry with but I KNEW were good guys and
    adored me…
    BUT alas… couldn’t muster any connection for me…

    However… many people have the LOVE of their life
    and DIDNT feel that immediate chemistry…
    For ME
    It it a matter of giving myself a timeline with the guys
    –I’ll try one more date…
    –I’ll try 2 more months
    that way I stick it out and see who THEY really are
    and how **I** feel When I’m with them
    AND get MORE practice stretching MY emotional intimacy muscles
    AND FREE therapy…

    I LOVE what RORI wrote In the new post:

    “It could be opening your heart and body to a man who’s nothing like you ever imagined “your man” would be and look like.”

    “It could be experiencing anything where you have no idea how it’ll turn out.

    Let yourself guide yourself.

    Trust will come. You’ll learn what you need to learn for the next baby step, and you’ll become braver every time you move from inside you
    instead of from anything your head tells you to do.”



  77.  #77Victoria on March 21, 2016 at 8:27 am

    Azure,
    How are you doing?
    I know you are curious about me, things are fine with R. to the point of being un-eventful. I am fully booked by him, zero time left for CDing. Sometimes I miss that, but mostly I feel very lucky to be with someone who wants 100% of my time. It is strange but in a nice way. I don’t need to walk on eggshells with him, he has never ever cancelled a date (I have been seeing him for 9-10 months now). I don’t want to talk much about it as not to jinx it, but it is so much better than the last relationship I had, sometimes I can’t belive I put up with the other guy’s sh*t for so long.



  78.  #78Azure Blu on March 21, 2016 at 8:54 am

    Hi Victoria!
    Ohhh… glad to hear all the practice your heart is getting being with a man who makes you feel secure and adored!!!
    Wow… I didn’t realize it has been 9 months already!!
    You’ve got this lovely Siren!!!

    I know what you are saying… I too am getting used to being exclusive (almost 3 months)

    I’m SOOO used to CDing it feels a little weird
    BUT am totally enjoying learning how
    to relax and hang out
    BUT the intimacy is causing me anxiety
    ESpecially the part of letting go
    NOT controlling
    Letting HIM lead!
    Its’ so interesting
    how this changes at each level of intimacy.

    He is sooo much wanting us to live together.
    which feels lovely
    BUT I am NOT ready yet… and have shared that with him
    He is SOOO good about stepping back
    and then asking for more closeness
    AHHH… he is sooo masculine
    and does know how to lead…

    There is SOOO much about him that I do love!

    Still I am discovering how we will navigate his
    extreme love of arguing about religion and politics…
    he takes this show on the road… coworkers, people he meets at the bar and everywhere!
    Right now we are managing this fairly well between ourselves…

    Thanks for asking lovely Victoria…



  79.  #79Victoria on March 21, 2016 at 9:02 am

    Azure,
    The intimacy is causing me anxiety too. I know exactly what you mean. I am soooo tempted to build some of my old walls back. And letting him lead. I find this very very hard to do, but my guy is a champion, he won’t let go. He also likes to lecture people about how to live their life. Politics and healthy living are his favorite topics (luckily, no religion). I share most of his views, but I think it is very bad manners to lecture to people that they need to change, I personally would be very pissed if someone is doing this to me uninvited. So far I have been biting my tongue not to criticize him, he is so good in so many other ways, I hope I can live with his lecturing tendency.



  80.  #80Liquid Light on March 21, 2016 at 10:27 am

    Thanks Millie and Azure for your responses! I really appreciate the feedback.

    The connection we share is really nice. Haven’t felt that in 3 years of dating since my ex. The truth of the matter is that the chemistry with my ex was off the charts at first but then sex just seemed to take over the relationship. As it did, I became less interested in it with him and kind of started to resent his relentless appetite for sex LOL

    So maybe it is a good thing to not have sex be such a central focus starting off. My sex drive has really diminished, partially I think its due to my age (50) but partially I think my last relationship wore me out, and that was 3 years ago. OMG!

    I’m definitely going to see how this goes with him as you both suggest. Its really challenging for me to be in this gray area of not knowing. Not comfortable for me at all but I’m going to try…

    Thanks again ladies! 🙂



  81.  #81Azure Blu on March 21, 2016 at 11:48 am

    Victoria,
    Ohhh… so very interesting for me to hear you talk about your guy feeling so excited about his way of living that he wants to change others to his way!!

    So it’s NOT only religion and politics that will gets
    some people going…
    I know I used to be a know it all about healthy living!!
    :-))
    I gave it up in the past 3-4 years…
    since Rori…

    Yeah, I’m wondering if praising Spirit on his excitement about his religion and politics
    would take the anxiety out of it all -For Me-
    I’d be having to look at the positive side of it…
    Mmmmm…
    Nothing good about shinning a Negative,
    finding fault light, on anything is EVER good!!
    Still keeping a focuse on what I want MY
    happy ever after to look like…
    Ahhhh… the delicate balance of “chaos”



  82.  #82Millie on March 21, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Azure– thank you!

    one of my coworkers is buying a new house with her husband and two kids. She is my age. I can’t help but feel a wave rush up inside me… A little anxious wave… When will it be my turn? Where is my forever man? Where is any man…. I try to feel happy for her and her amazing life she is living… But have to acknowledge those impatient feelings, jealousy, and frustrations…



  83.  #83Victoria on March 22, 2016 at 1:28 am

    Azure,
    About healthy living, my man does not always practice what he preaches, and I find this annoying and hypocritical. But he very much likes to catch some innocent victim who is overweight, has a sedentary lifestyle, or high blood pressure, and start preaching about healthy living. And, he himself is mildly overweight and has pretty high holesterol. I am fine with him as he is and I would not tell him that he needs to change anything, I am busy enough with maintaing my own discipline. I suspect that actually part of his lecturing is trying to impress me as very healthy minded because he thinks I am.
    So, consider this, maybe Spirit IS doing this to impress you as being a man of faith and with strong convictions. Who knows. I suspect this lecturing is attention seeking behavior. May be we just need to tell them more often how much we love them, so they would not need to shake their feathers that much.



  84.  #84Tereana on March 22, 2016 at 7:45 pm

    Hi MissStix 🙂

    I know we are all on a newer thread. But I wanted to reply here to your response to me. About your experiences: I would not be so quick to dismiss your experience as “not abuse” simply because the person was also young when you were young. At that time, being a few years older can make a huge difference. And people aren’t really “too young” to be abusers. Abuse is abuse, and if you were too young to consent, then that was likely too young for you, and it may still have affected you. I obviously don’t know all the details, and you don’t need to share them here. But I would empower you to really notice your feelings around this, and maybe not quickly shuffle it off and try not to make a big deal of it. It might have been a very big deal for you, or at least for your body at that age.

    Much love to you xoxo



  85.  #85Millie on March 22, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    I just listened to Michelle’s tele class! I absolutely loved it! I have now listened to four different coach’s tele classes and also Rori on her videos and must say I love that while the core material is consistent with them all, each have a different way of expressing the material and getting the point across. Each has their own energy and it feels really amazing to hear how each woman has really taken the material and made it their own, shedding their own light on it. What I love about Michelle was not only her soothing English accent, but that she made me feel very meditative and like an easy stream trickling down rocks in a peaceful serene setting. I also loved how much she used visualization. This is a tool I want to try more of! I feel very grounded and connected to ME when I use it! Thank you Rori for sharing and making accessible all of these wonderful coaches!



  86.  #86MissStix on March 23, 2016 at 11:34 am

    Tereana

    Thank you for the nice advice and thoughts. I will take them into careful consideration. <3