Free Teleclass With The Great Tatia Dee!

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From Rori: Oh – You’re in for a treat! And for free!

Go to this teleclass with Tatia Dee – she’s amazing. Not only is she a fantastic coach and an incredibly accomplished and powerful woman – she’s one of the most kind-hearted, gentle, smart, funny and fun people I’ve ever known. Clients are making a bee-line for Tatia, so take advantage of anything she does for free now, at the beginning of her career. Love, Rori

From Tatia Dee:

tatia home 2Do you feel like you’ve gotten off course from being a feminine & alluring woman?

Are you being more masculine than feminine and can’t seem to get the right balance?

Are you ready for a change in your love life?
Whether you’re in a relationship, married, single, dating or divorced

I’ve got a great way to experience an immediate difference in your love life.

It worked for me, and I know it’ll work for you too!

It’s My 7 Steps To Irresistible.

You’ll Learn How to:

– Attract better men (and know what to do about unavailable men and FWB (“friends-with-benefits”).

– Renew the feeling of feminine confidence

Stop Clinging to a man

– Get More Dates

Keep His Attention

– Change yourself and inspire your man at the same time.

Be gentle with yourself & him, and

Live from a place of love no matter what’s going on in your life.

So Please Join Me On:

Monday evening, June 8, 2015 at 5 pm PST 8 pm EST

For My Free Women’s Love Coaching Webinar

I’ll share my 7 Steps To Irresistible and answer your questions during the Webinar.

Click this link to register now:

See you at the webinar!

tatia bannerTatia Dee

Certified Rori Raye Life & Relationship Coach

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  1.  #1Femininewoman on June 3, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    Oh wow Tati

  2.  #2Helena Hart on June 3, 2015 at 9:47 pm

    Yay Tatia!!! You’re amazing!! 🙂

    Love, Helena

  3.  #3Dominique on June 4, 2015 at 6:53 am

    Tatia!!! YAY you!!! <3 xxoo

  4.  #4Violette on June 4, 2015 at 11:10 am

    I’m feeling down on myself. Old feelings coming up. Fear of reaching out to a man. In certain ways this Rori stuff appeals to me because it encourages me not to reach out to a man. But right now all of it just makes me sad.

    I feel sad about my childhood, that I didn’t have anyone wanting the best for me when it came to men. That my mom almost seemed to want me to stay alone forever, or be with a man who neglects me or is even abusive. That my brother just hated me. That my Dad loved me but didn’t protect me.

    I feel lonely today. And I miss…myself. I feel tired of spending so much time alone, working, worrying, being afraid of men. Being angry with them.

    Even online dating, I feel so angry with the men who are writing to me, why can’t they say the right things? Why don’t they ask me out? I nit pick every stage of the process, it’s like I can’t help it, and it makes me sad.

    And now I’m giving myself away, or I feel I am. It comes down to a fear of intimacy, mixed in with feelings of unworthiness. That’s the sadness right there.

    And I can’t make it go away. It’s just there. It is simply put a part of who I am. Part of me can’t trust myself and can’t get it right, no matter what I do. I’m so hard on myself.

    Leaning back is good. But when it comes to someone like me…I wonder if it’s more out of fear. If leaning forward from time to time and loving the feelings that come up, the terrible feelings that now I’ve done it, I’ve messed up, I’ve done the wrong thing, I’ve shown my vulnerabitity.

    No I haven’t. I’ve let someone know I like them. Maybe even someone who isn’t coming forward. Maybe someone who isn’t safe. But how do I know if they’re safe? What ‘s the big deal? I haven’t promised them anything.

    I want to give myself permission to make mistakes, and still be good to myself, still be a siren, reach forward, to the wrong thing, give away my insecurity, and still love myself completely and know I’m a catch.

  5.  #5Tatia Dee on June 4, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Hi FeminineWoman!

  6.  #6Tatia Dee on June 4, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    Hi Helena. Thank you 😀

  7.  #7Tatia Dee on June 4, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    Hi Dominique. Feeling sooo excited about the webinar!

  8.  #8Tatia Dee on June 4, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    Violette (((((Hug)))), your riffing post was absolutely beautiful. I could feel how deeply you were going into your feelings. You have a lovely way of writing.

  9.  #9Millie on June 4, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    My boss pulled me into her office today to tell me how something I did made her feel. She felt disrespected and I really appreciated her telling me otherwise I would never have known. I like open communication, it felt good to have her respect me enough to tell me and I felt more respect for her. She could have been a brat and angry, but she didn’t.

    And you all are going to want to shake me… But it made me feel like the right thing to do is to call M and leave him a message. To speak my peace, nothing accusatory, nothing angry. Just open and calm. But I’m terrified to do that. It’s easier to say nothing. But I keep feeling like something needs to be addressed. Like I need to address the whole thing with him. Maybe I could let it go easier after speaking up. But then again I’m afraid of being chasey, of coming across as needy even though my words wouldn’t be. Is there ever an acceptable time to initiate contact? If I’m not asking anything of him or expecting anything? I know you all are going to say I need to let this go, process this on my own and don’t involve him, would a high value woman reach out? I don’t know, what about just being real? Not trying to get anything … Just our time together was really special, I feel so happy to have had that experience, I realize the things I did to push you away and I would have loved to have an open communication about what was happening. I thought we both felt strongly about each other and I’m surprised you walked away, because I thought it was worth it, to stay, to talk together, to figure it out together.

    I don’t know, the more I write the more stupid I feel. I don’t think anything I say is really going to sound eloquent or spot on. Ugh I’m sorry…. I keep goin back and forth about this when I just to let it go but I can’t. I feel like I can’t leave this like this. I know I’m being super unsireny and I feel disappointed for that and like I’m being very repetitive. So if you all don’t want to repeat yourselves… It’s ok. I’m just talking out loud and working out my innards.

  10.  #10Violette on June 4, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    Thank you Tatiana, that feels so nice to hear 🙂

    Millie I relate. It’s in a way what my post is about. The pull between sharing what’s going on, I’m calling it Intimacy, and…raising the degree of difficulty, being in my power, being the prize…the Rori stuff (not that intimacy doesn’t play into it, it’s…how I’m processing it right now it feels like 2 separate things).

    I have the same process of wanting to just say something, get it off my chest, then second guessing and feeling foolish like sharing it would make me look and feel like a dork.

    I for one say there is a value to getting something off your chest. If you want to text him something short and sweet and true, it may feel better. I wouldn’t get into calling him and making a conversation about it because chances are he will be surprised and it won’t feel good.

    I’m only speaking from one experience, I texted a man my true feelings. Just because I wanted to say it. I didn’t care what he said back. He ended up appreciating my honesty, what more could he say? He had chosen his actions, and now he know how they made me feel. End of story.

  11.  #11Violette on June 4, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    At the end of the day it comes down more to making peace with ourselves, no matter what we do. That the part of us that judges and criticizes and wants everything to be perfect…needs our attention and love. For me it’s about accepting that part. And finding my way back to a sense of being the grown up who’s in charge, and has a lust for a good life, and then the trust can come back in.

  12.  #12Waterfall on June 4, 2015 at 2:17 pm


    I just need to process & vent! Millie it sort of relates to your comment, lol…

    A woman at work is literally driving me potty. She is a law unto herself and is driving everyone mad. Well me anyway! And I am wondering – do I try and speak to her?!

    In my job we are working on a big, major project and we have all been put into smaller groups to work together. She is supposed to be over all groups – and HELPING them.

    Anyway, to cut a long story short – myself and my group are working out roadmaps, backlogs, goals, etc… And we are all just getting on with things really.

    She “drops” into our group when she wants to and just railroads over what everyone else is doing. And she does so in a very domineering, belligerent fashion. What is worse is that my team just rolls over and goes with it – and doesn’t seem to bat an eyelid – and then I am left looking like the awkward one.

    Sirens – I really don’t know what to do. I feel terrified of this woman and very close to tears today whilst in her presence. I could feel my stomach was in knots. I know that is being dramatic but I can’t describe it any other way.

    ALL sorts of things are going through my mind. Is this a conspiracy against me ? Sometimes it feels like the rest of the team is in on this and that this woman has been brought in to “bully me”. I know that sounds far fetched but I am feeling so paranoid.

    When she is around she seems to manage to turn everyone against me, I get left out of the loop of really big decisions, she is constantly leaving me out of the loop and talking directly to the developers which is leaving me feeling impotent at my job.

    Today I felt an overwhelming sense of worry that she would be telling me exactly what to put where in the design and that I wouldn’t get any creative input at all. In short I feel like she is treating me as a lacky.

    In meeting she talks over me and excludes me from all the conversations. I feel like I’m sitting there like a mute person. It is so frustrating.

    I “think” everyone is aware of the situation – but everyone seems as helpless as me and we just end up doing whatever she wants whenever she demands it.


    I just want to vent really. Feel so helpless and just knotted up with fear and worry in “how to deal” with this… What should I do?!


    Sorry Millie – but I do feel angry and I have to be honest there…

  13.  #13Femininewoman on June 4, 2015 at 2:23 pm

    Millie I have been holding back from telling you to call him. I don’t disagree with you at all. As long as you not wanting anything from him I’d say go for it. Something inside you really want to. It is all experimenting anyway so you will learn something about yourself. Just work out your scripts ahead of them and stick to them. Just be prepared also for him to surprise you and pick up the phone.

    For some reason I am thinking something about your story reminds me of Starla. Wish she would chime in.

  14.  #14Waterfall on June 4, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    ((((Violette)))) ((((Millie))))

  15.  #15Waterfall on June 4, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    Just riffing…

    Why do I lack confidence?
    Where does it come from?
    What is it about?

    What do I want?
    What do I need?

    Am I good enough?
    Who do I want to validate this?
    Why do I get so frustrated with people?
    Why can’t I work better with them?

    Where does this stem from?
    How do I turn it around?

    Why do I have this vulnerability in me?
    How can I strengthen it?

    How can I be strong?
    I am confident inside, but people who don’t know me misunderstand me and see me as lacking confidence.

    The sort of pat me on the head all the time and constantly look concerned and ask me if I am okay.

    And I want to scream inside because to me none of what we are discussing is really a big deal. But for some reason they insist on asking me, and asking me in a really concerned manner.

    It is beyond me why people do this? I feel like I’m being treated like a child…


    I know, or at least I think, it is not meant badly, but it is so patronising and condescending and I am getting it all the time.

    Sometimes some people seem so scary to stand up.

    Why is that?

  16.  #16Beloved on June 4, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Oh, Sirens…
    wow, so…as far as I know, things escalated with TG and Roomie J. I felt very distressed for a while, did a lot of meditation to shift my focus.

    This morning I talked to some friends and one of them said, why are you worried about it, why would you interfere? RoomieJ lied about things and you are the beautiful person who DOESN’T lie that he wants to keep around.

    At first I felt a lot of feelings and resistance and “buts”. I did realize, that somehow despite appearances, it oddly felt like he IS protecting me and RoomieN. Like he’s staking out and protecting his territory.

    I took a long walk and then a lot of things came to me in a rush. I actually don’t want to get into them, I’ll just say, I feel there are a lot of layers to her and a lot of secrets and although the way things are going down doesn’t look like my fantasy ideal, I feel he is uniquely qualified to handle it his way and I’m letting it go. I feel relieved she will be leaving soon. I feel relieved to feel at peace with all of this, again, ha!

  17.  #17Millie on June 4, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    Femininewoman and Violette—

    Ahhh it feels so good to have support on this… I feel relieved to hear that how I feel is ok and I can act upon it for myself. I really do think I will have regrets if I don’t and 2 months is a good span of time. Now I just have to write it all out and put together a great message. I actually really like what I wrote in the first post. Sounds very simple and not too dramatic but if I’m going to do this, I want to feel out the best script. Violette I think I prefer to call. Hearing someone voice and tone holds so much more power than a text. And that’s the mistake I wish i hadn’t made before… Texting him about our relationship. I feel this is pretty call worthy…. And he is allowed to feel however he wants in response to it.

    Ahhh I feel good with this idea. Going to sit with it.

  18.  #18Dominique on June 4, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Millie – I think you need to contact him – FOR YOU – not for him, not to sound eloquent, not to say the right, but purely and simply FOR YOU. This has been festering inside you for some time, and when something continues to bother you like this, then yes you need to get it out, AS LONG AS you truly are not looking for anything back from him, nothing at all. You want to be feel very clear and sure that if your message is completely ignored that you will feel okay because you wrote what you did only to get it out of you, to be REAL, to be authentically YOU.

    If you need help with the wording, I can work with you on this, but I think you have this.

    Love to you.


  19.  #19Indigo on June 4, 2015 at 10:45 pm


    As I said to you a few posts back, I support your need to call him.

    Some here are against seeking any form of closure, but I think it can bring great comfort and clarity, enough to help you move forward if you are battling to do so. Perhaps just saying your feelings, or hearing from him why he walked away would relieve the pressure and fog in your mind and heart. I know if it were me, I would definitely want to do this. For me if there has been any kind of significant time spent together, or any connection, or any physical intimacy, then just leaving it completely and walking away without a word feels like a terrible betrayal to me. Sometimes just the finality of a heartfelt goodbye can be very healing.

  20.  #20Victoria on June 5, 2015 at 12:01 am

    Millie, Indigo,
    As a matter of principle, I would not call a man who had disappeared from my life. The “disappearing” act has happened to me twice, and both times these men disappeared for a reason and the reason was THEY WERE NOT RIGHT FOR ME. Calling a man who has exited our relationship and has gone silent to me means refusing to take no for an answer.
    In my opinion, there is no such thing as closure when it comes to romantic relationships. There is only break-up and any attempt to discuss, interrogate, analyze is a sure recipe to add insult to injury. I would not do this to myself under any circumstances.
    I would support calling a man when you have a relationship (FWB, committed, whatever) and he is missing for longer than usual (even if it is a bit lean-forwardy, it is still not such a big problem in the greater scheme of things). But in your case, it is clear that he has left, you have seen each other in the street and he has avoided you, so what’s the point, what is the point? His actions speak louder than any words he can see. Even if he says he is truly sorry, he is a coward, he is a low-level form of life, what is this going to do for you?
    I am not giving advice, but I can share with you my experience, to see where I come from.
    The first man who disappeared on me, after a long year relationship… He went to his home town for a long vacation (40 days or so) and stopped calling (this is way before the mobile phone era). I called, he said he would call back, he never did… He started telling me lies about his whereabouts. Finally, I chased him and confronted him, and he told me he is seeing someone else, but was such a coward that he did not know how to tell me. He did not admit who, and I learnt later, that it is a woman I knew, who was his friend, and whom he befriended and courted in front of my eyes, and, even though we dated several years, and he dated her 6 months or so, 4 months after our break up he married her.
    Now, from the distance of time, I see they were so right for each other, and me and him simply were not a good match, but my ego was hurt, and it was just so hard to accept he did this to me. If I could go back in time, I would break up with him the moment I realized how nice he is treating her (and she treated him) and how not-nice he was being to me, and this was several months before the actual break up.
    When we had the “closure” talk we were on a roof-top terrace. I told him I accept that we are over (which in my heart of hearts was not true, because I wanted him back, for my own ego, to prove to myself that I have the power to call him back in) and that I just want to know the truth (which was also not true, I did not want the truth, I wanted him back). And so he said that he simply wants his freedom back (which was either not true or he changed his mind very quickly afterwards marring her 4 months later) and that our s*x life was not satisfactory for him and he has met someone with whom it is much better (which was most probably 100% true but was so painful for me to hear). I was so angry, I think I have never been angrier in my life. We were on this roof-top terrace, 6 floors above the ground, and I was seriously thinking that I could just push him over from the roof-top and kill him and be done with him, forever. This is the closest I have been to actually killing someone.

  21.  #21Millie on June 5, 2015 at 12:14 am

    Dominique– I would love some help!! I have a tendency to be too wordy and explain and I also don’t want the message to end up being about him and putting his feelings first, although I do think I neglected his needs and want to touch on it, but I don’t want that to be the purpose.

    Indigo– I don’t remember reading the post where you discussed supporting calling him. I must have missed it! :/

    Waterfall– I can totally relate to your work experience. Prior to this…I had a boss that made me feel like all the time. And it was difficult to stand up to her and speak to her in a way she could hear. Everyone did eventually just give in to her because it wasn’t worth the fight. It’s a terrible way to run a business. Do you have an HR department you can go to to discuss the matter? Perhaps they can help you navigate this. I also think your boss may not realize what she’s doing. She probably thinks she is doing a great job at managing. What if you try speaking to her in a very matter of fact efficiency type of way? Not about feelings. (to be honest, I was completely floored when my boss said we hurt her feelings. It’s pretty ironic because she is the first person to eradicate feelings in the workplace.) It’s always more professional to approach it in a way that is about the work.
    “The team really appreciates your input and excitement about the project, but we think our workflow would improve if we had daily progress meetings where we presented our ideas to you at a scheduled time. This will utilize the team’s time more efficiently and minimize interruptions as well as double work. During this scheduled meeting we will share our new ideas with you and get your feedback on moving forward with them.”

    I also think it is really important to talk to your team about why they cave so easily on your ideas. If the team is actually functioning as a team, ideas should be supported and defended, or at least compromised on. Trying to function in a dictatorship workplace is super difficult. But I do think its all in HOW you communicate to someone.

  22.  #22Millie on June 5, 2015 at 12:32 am


    Thank you for sharing your story and I completely hear you. This is why I have been so torn with what feels right for me to do. To correct you– I saw him driving and he did not see me. I would not say that he avoided me. It’s not like we were walking and he ran the other direction. We were both in cars and he was looking ahead. I am 99% sure he didn’t see me. Anyway, that’s not the point.

    I totally hear you when you say that calling a man after he has left is like not being able to take no for an answer and I agree with that. Clearly I am not able to accept the way things ended or that they ended at all. For some reason, I feel a shred of–what he and I had was bigger than what happened. But maybe I am completely wrong!! Maybe I have it backwards–What happened was bigger than what we had.

    Honestly, I don’t know what’s right. Leaving it doesn’t feel right…but calling him could be the completely wrong thing to do too!

    I feel stupid for continuing to mull over this.
    But I also feel like, when you love someone, you don’t just let them walk away. You don’t stop them, but to say–Ok well he’s gone guess it’s over, he is in complete control of this and I just have to keep quiet because once he leaves there is nothing more to be said. I do want to scream NO. I do want to not accept his NO as an answer. I feel like he doesn’t just get to leave and shut me out. Ok Now I’m starting to vent and not make any sense because I’m starting to get upset and just blurt things. So I’m going to take a step back from this.

    Honestly, I just feel really confused right now.

  23.  #23Victoria on June 5, 2015 at 1:05 am

    I think it is very good that you are talking about this and you are letting your anger, frustration, and doubts here.
    This is why we all are here. I was shocked by my long post, I think I have not written so long for a long time, if ever.
    Probably, a part of me is still not 100% healed from my story, and this thing happened like 20 years ago.
    So, you are very very welcome to share here every thought and feeling that you have. They need to be let out, felt, and hugged.
    I also subscribe to a theory (my theory 🙂 which says, you can’t go wrong in life. By the time you have become an adult (20s) you already have your personality, characted, life experiences, that will shape how you act in various circumstances. This means that (save for minor exceptions) any one particular action is not significant in itself. You may do something, but the next day, based on your personality, you may do something else to correct the first thing, and then you will still get a certain result. What I am driving at is to say that, in the greater scheme of things, whether you call him, or not call him, is probably insignificant, and you can’t go wrong either way. What is more significant is the way you process information, your feelings, your reactions, making your life choices. So in a way, the discussion here, sharing your thoughts, and getting feedback, healing your soul, and heling others heal theirs, is more important than whether you call him or not.

  24.  #24Femininewoman on June 5, 2015 at 2:20 am

    Millie you are not being stupid. You are an emotional being. If you don’t deal with it now, the way you feel is best, you will still be dealing with it 20 years from now. I am with Dominique on this. Reach out to her and let her help you get centered and prepared. You are worth it.

    I m still mulling over stuff from umpteen years ago so……

  25.  #25Indigo on June 5, 2015 at 3:07 am


    Honestly, whatever you do will not be a mistake. You cannot go wrong here. If he is not the right guy for you, which it seems like he is not, nothing you do or say will affect the outcome. If for some reason he is, it is very unlikely that the honest expression of your feelings will affect him negatively. Either way, it will not change anything or mess anything up. You can only learn from it.

    I say do what brings you the most peace.

  26.  #26Sassy on June 5, 2015 at 3:31 am

    Ok ladies, I have come to a decision that I will use a timeline. I’m giving him 30 days from today to step up in the way I need. Nothing will be different between now and then with my reactions, response, etc., but I will be watching more closely what he is doing. Does that make sense. I need this to go one way or the other. I need to be strong enough to walk away once and for all if it comes down to that. I hope you all will be with me here no matter which way it goes.

  27.  #27Victoria on June 5, 2015 at 3:43 am

    Without even knowing your situation, I recommend 3 months. For me, this was the period I gave myself for my lean-back diet. It is based on actual dieting I have done in real life – e.g. if I need to lose weight by making a change to my diet/exercise regime I will focus to keep doing it for 3 months. This time is roughly enough for new habits to set in. One month is too rushed. Just my 2 cents.

  28.  #28Sassy on June 5, 2015 at 4:17 am

    Thank you for that suggestion, Victoria. I will take it into consideration.

  29.  #29Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 4:41 am

    I agree with Victoria on the point about
    sharing your process here is not only helpful for YOU
    BUT also very helpful for us…
    Lovely, sweet Millie, Thank you for your authentic vulnerable heart
    sharing with us on Siren Island!!!

    I am ALL About CLOSURE…
    That is how I can let a relationship go in my mind AND in my heart…

    You have been the lean Back Queen for 8 weeks
    and no word…

    Your heart needs to express itself
    to the one
    who you had a connection with
    cared for AND cherished.
    and he disappeared.
    You will feel soooo much better after you
    craft a FM and share that with him
    like Dominique said…
    with as little thought about how HE responds as
    is possible (easier said than done)

    ANY way he reacts… this will be a good
    way to be able to move forward in YOUR
    It Always works for ME
    love to you darling Siren!!!

  30.  #30Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 4:52 am

    Sassy #26
    YES!!! I have used timelines on 2 ex (since Rori)
    I gave them each 2 months (both went over by a week or 2)
    I set The timeline for ME as well.
    So I wouldn’t bolt… but stay and practice MY
    leaning back… MY feeling messages…
    Practice gently enlarging
    my hearts capacity for
    MORE emotional intimacy
    with someone I cared deeply for…
    And as you mentioned observe
    HIS capacity for intimacy
    and responses to relationship.

    Unfortunately they both hit a “wall”
    where they couldn’t go any further with

    Even though it was difficult for ME
    I did walk away from both…
    by the end of 2 months I had
    “gotten the picture” clearly
    and was bored with the whole
    idea of them being my Mr. Right!!!
    just like Rori predicts!!!

  31.  #31Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 5:12 am

    {{{Violette}}} #4
    I am sorry you were feeling down on yourself
    yesterday… I am hoping it’s better today…

    I agree with what you have shared here
    “Leaning back is good. But when it comes to someone like me…I wonder if it’s more out of fear. ”
    I too grapple with this…
    I am MUCH more comfortable NOT saying or DOING
    in a relationship…
    so sometimes I wonder if it is in MY better interest
    to do more leaning forward as I have a tendency to
    hold back//
    since practicing the Rori tools I have gotten all of this more in Balance
    because I LOVE ME more and so MY self esteem is 100% better!!! that makes ME so happy, more free, more approachable,
    I have been healing the part of me that
    believes being vulnerable is all about Weakness…
    And have found how courageous, brave and empowering it is to keep opening up to
    alll my relationships and letting them see my
    gentle, frightened heart…
    The shift is monumental…

  32.  #32Femininewoman on June 5, 2015 at 6:11 am

    Oh wow. Got this from Bob Grant:-

    The probability of a first marriage ending in a divorce within 5 years is 20%, but the probability of a premarital cohabitation breaking up within 5 years is 49%. After 10 years, the probability of a first marriage ending in divorce is 33%, compared with 62% for those couples who cohabitate.

    What those statistics tell me is that even though the divorce rate is around 50%, that doesn’t mean every marriage has a 50-50 chance of ending in divorce. If you wait until after you’re married to move in together, you’ll automatically increase the likelihood that your marriage will last.

  33.  #33Indigo on June 5, 2015 at 7:44 am


    I may have asked this question in some version before, so forgive me. What do you do about male “friends” who just hang around on the periphery indefinitely? I get the clear and distinct impression that they want more and they continuously or periodically text me in what seems like an effort to gauge whether I have changed my mind (I’m not interested romantically, and the continuous tentative move-making texts make me want to back off from being friends as well). It’s irritating. These are guys I would be fine being friends with if it weren’t for the constant energy that I feel from them about wanting more. Would you block them? ignore them? Take it as a compliment and only see them as friends every now and again? There are two male friends that I get this vibe from. Being direct doesn’t seem to help because I’ve already tried that.

  34.  #34Emerson on June 5, 2015 at 8:04 am

    If you’re uncomfortable you could always ignore them.

    I personally feel flattered by this attention and I don’t mind it. I have a couple of male friends like that too. I think most male “friends” of women have “some” interest beyond friendship, whether they admit it or not.

    I’ve learned to take people for face value and if I enjoy talking to them and enjoy their friendship it doesn’t bother me. Let them feel attracted to me if they want, how could they not? Being feminine attractive sirens, it’s almost impossible for them NOT to feel attracted to us on some level!!!!

    If you can flip it to feel empowering, let it do that for you.

    Also I feel that it raises my vibe to have male energy circling around me, even if it’s just friendship.

    It’s part of what I consider “circular dating” but without any pressure or expectations.

  35.  #35Indigo on June 5, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Gosh Emerson, what a wonderful, positive way of looking at it.

    I’m flattered by the attention, but I find the energy coming at me to be a bit overwhelming…

  36.  #36Emerson on June 5, 2015 at 8:09 am

    Hi Indigo, I feel curious what about it feels overwhelming. Can you share more about that feeling?

  37.  #37Indigo on June 5, 2015 at 8:12 am

    It’s a sensitive person thing – too much energy/ input/ stimulation coming at you can short-circuit your system, making you want/ need to withdraw. I find too much attention coming at me when I cannot reciprocate to be very, very overwhelming.

  38.  #38Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 8:19 am

    Indigo #33
    This is just me…
    I have learned from many years of: male “friends” “innocently” getting in between me and my bf/husbands
    ME being neive thinking these male friends
    ONLY wanting to be my friends
    come to find out they had much more in mind

    I have never found any male friends (unless they were gay) who weren’t interested in More than friendship
    but just kept it under the surface…

    as long as I would allow them in my life (some more than others) they would be hanging on the outskirts.
    Waiting to swoop in if I gave them a chance…

    of course this is all VERY flattering (who can ever get too much male attention)
    my bf’s have all gotten upset about their presence…
    knowing full well these male friends really did
    want MORE than friendship…
    Soooo now… when I have a committed/exclusive relationship going on with a man…
    I sweetly tell them I will no longer be in contact…

    I don’t want anything like this to come between a potential forever man.
    Why would I want to muddy the waters with a man
    I am in love with –
    I do this because I wouldn’t like it if my BF had a
    female friend hanging on…

  39.  #39Emerson on June 5, 2015 at 8:20 am

    Ahh I see…
    Thank you for sharing that….

    I’m also on the sensitive person spectrum…and I understand what you’re saying about this. One thing I’ve learned is how to take the pressure of myself to reciprocate.

    When I know this, the energy coming at me is not as overwhelming. It’s like Daria described once….they keep throwing tennis balls at me, and I keep catching them, and keeping them in my little bucket….but I don’t have to throw them back. 🙂 Or something like that 😉
    …does that make sense??

    Not that I”m trying to change you or solve your problem, just sharing with you about my perception of this….

  40.  #40Emerson on June 5, 2015 at 8:32 am

    Hi Azur Blue!

    I understand your perspective and this is exactly what I have done in the past as well.

    I feel that I’ve changed my mind bit though. I no longer feel that I want to change with rigid rules and feel that I can’t talk to male friends just because I’m married or what not.

    Maybe it’s my baggage because I did this in the past only to find out that most of my significant others were talking to females on a regular basis and having lunch with them or whatever and I thought well what the heck I have been cutting myself off from all men for that?????

    I guess I have trust issues and I feel that most men will have correspondence with female friends so it’s only fair that I have male friends too.

    Just where I am right now. I could be totally off.

  41.  #41Emerson on June 5, 2015 at 8:35 am

    I noticed today that wearing a dress(even a casual one) really amplifies my feminine vibe …..and how people treat me…..
    Not sure if it’s the way I am presenting myself or how the people see me that I am coming into contact with, but it feels very positive, soft, pleasant and kind….lots of smiles and “can I help yous”….

    It feels nice wearing a dress 🙂

  42.  #42Femininewoman on June 5, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Aaah feeling like a proud mama today looking at my daughter’s beautiful pictures from Prom last night. Her date was the brother of a guy who kinda suggested he likes her and would have her on his dating list in 5 years as one of his options. Of course I Rori Rayed her with this. So when he said he had somewhere else to be last night and could only come by 10, she told him no. She wanted him there for the whole time. The brother agreed to go, he is several years older and told her in front of me that he feels great that he was picked. He promised me he would make sure she felt special like she was the only girl in the room and she told me that was exactly how she felt. I did not share he had said that to me. She said she had so much fun.

    Funny thing is his brother came over and took pictures with her too. Her date last night made it very obvious that he is attracted to her and want to take things further. I kindly reminded her that it was just a date and she kept telling me how she used some of the Rori type responses. Including lots of I feel.

    From what he said he obviously felt honored that she selected him to accompany her and like he would do anything to make her happy. Her cousin asked “in what world is that right” when she heard my daughter was going with this one to the prom. In as much as it is his brother, my response was, “in a world where there is no commitment, exclusivity and you are living your life”. What were you to do go to the prom alone and sulk or pine over this one that she was infatuated by. One other girl invited them to share her room in the hotel but my dearest chose to come home. Momma has made it very clear that she does not to feel obligated to sleep with any boy just because she dates him.

  43.  #43Emerson on June 5, 2015 at 8:57 am

    How lovely it feels to read this! i love it! My heart feels happy for your daughter and for you…what a blessing and a beauty….

  44.  #44Labbit on June 5, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Full Day 1 of my major leanback is in full swing. Putting all of my energy back on me, focusing on expanding myself and my world.

    I’ve been focusing on me in every way I can…soothing, self-rituals, making plans for this weekend, catching up with some friends and wrapping up a few projects I’d been putting off. Exercising a lot, eating well, taking exquisite care of myself.

    I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling great and feeling fearful. Even though I KNOW that relaxing, centering on myself is the way to go…Tender still keeps popping up in my head a lot, and not in a “I need to reach out to him right now!!” kind of way, but rather a “What on Earth is he doing?” kind of way, and a “Is he coming back…?” kind of way. Even though I know he’s coming back…that nasty voice still pipes up every now and then.

    I am re-reading some helpful articles when it feels good to do so, and putting them aside when I start to feel stressed out. The one thing I’m not able to do fully for long is relax, and relaxing is the one thing I most want to do right now! I will have lengths of time where the anxiety is lower and much tolerable, but then it comes on heavy again and I have to soothe, soothe so much and what seems like so long.

    It’s so true that trusting that leaning back and not doing ANYTHING is so counterintuitive. All of those silly fears — has he forgotten me? does he no longer love me? — keep popping up, and I can tell this means that I’m still centered on HIM in some ways instead of on ME. I’m stuck in a place of lack instead of abundance and I haven’t figured out how to shift things yet. I feel as though I’m losing something even know I’m not…can you relate, Sirens?

    So…I am trying. Doing my best. I know where I need to be…I know what that headspace feels like and how calm everything is, how things just flow. I’m just not sure how to get back there right now. All of this healing is great though no matter what the outcome. I feel gratitude that I am not panicky like I used to be or paralyzed. I have lots of fun stuff lined up for this weekend, and hopefully my friends will not mind if I try to absorb some of their good vibrations for myself. 🙂

    I feel like an energy drain right now instead of an overflowing fountain. I am loving myself through this, but I don’t know how to turn it around…?

  45.  #45Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    Sweet, sweet Siren…
    Thank you for sharing your
    Ohhhh… so human feelings and journey…
    huggs and kisses!!

    It feels to me as if you are trying sooo
    hard to be perfect!!!

    So what if YOU”re human…
    So what if you are panicky (even though I sooo know how UNCOMFORTABLE that is)
    Life and LOVE is very MESSY

    And you, Most adorable one

    are in the middle of the Mess… the soup
    which we all are in off and on
    A LOT of the TIME…
    So what if you Are thinking about TEnder…
    You’re in love…
    But think about (and i hear you saying this)
    How MUCH better you are than before…
    YOU ARE NOT in the same spot!!!

    What has changed my panicking SOOO much
    is to *LET MYSELF*
    Allow YOURSELF
    to just BE… Be right there IN THE SOUP!!
    it makes the panick go away much more quickly…

    You *ARE* PERFECT… Right NOW!!

  46.  #46Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    Feminine W #45
    Ohhh… a such wonderful sharing of
    your daughters Prom…
    You showing her the Rori way…
    and how much she has learned from YOU…
    and embraced the power of it and
    the self love…
    Congratulations FeminineW!!!
    You are raising a wonderful woman!!!

  47.  #47Labbit on June 5, 2015 at 12:33 pm

    Ohhh Azure, I totally AM trying to be perfect, you are so right!

    I guess I feel as though a good girlfriend would be relaxed? A good girlfriend wouldn’t worry when he needs some time to himself? I feel like a BAD girlfriend right now. I’m stressed out and anxious. I think I am driving him away by feeling this way?!? I think all sorts of terrible things. Maybe not loving myself enough? I guess that word keeps popping up in my head — enough. As in, I’m not enough. Blerp.

    I am putting on a tough face and trying to ‘handle’ this, whatever that means. I don’t have a clue what I’m doing right now, LOL!! And there is no book, no guide that can help me right now. I am so used to identifying the problem and finding the solution. (Masculine, I know.) I don’t wanna feel all this stuff. I want it to be over and for me to be back to calm and awesome and Sireny. Oh good lord. I am such a 2-year-old at times, LOL.

  48.  #48Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    Emerson #40
    Yes… I do understand your perspective also…

    Of course everyone is different…
    and I do have 2 male friends that will text me every so often to see if I’m available…

    But I have noticed over the years… the more
    i focus on MY (very full life) without the
    extra added distractions of men who really are NOT
    what I have in mind as true friends OR anything else…

    I CAN give my All to My parents, siblings, children, community, girl friends and hobbies and THAT
    is what fills ME up…

  49.  #49Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Labbit #47
    YEs a PERFECT 2 year old!!!!

    I have realized the more I can let MYSELF
    be HUMAN
    be imperfect –
    Be *PERFECTLY imperfect ME*
    the easier it is for others to come close.
    feel SAFE
    to BE WITH authentic, vulnerable,
    messing up often,

  50.  #50Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    You are Showing your soft, pink adorable underbelly
    to all of us on
    Siren Island
    And You ARE Beautiful in all your sweet, scared,
    thank you for letting us here your soulful
    the song is lovely to hear on this warm, spring Friday evening!!

  51.  #51victoria on June 5, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    Can a say a heretic thought? Maybe he is not the perfect man for you? Maybe the perfect man would not leave you alone the whole weekend even if he is working very hard.
    I apologize for saying that… It is so scary to think that you may have to go back to The drawing board.
    I just had a terrible date with F. I was trying to be pleasant and perfect. The perfect girlfriend who does not mind she is made to wait for him for an hour who does not mind picking dinner on the way to his house who does not mind that after dinner they go to bed and he falls asleep in her arms because he is exhausted from work… The perfect girlfriend who then patiently waits for him to wake up from his nap… And then we got talking about something, and there was something that I don’t like him when he does it and he is clueless clueless and I just told him I am so upset and need my space and left.
    I am in very bad shape … Can’t see the point in trying to be something I am not. I love him so much but this is not working for me at the moment.

  52.  #52Labbit on June 5, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    Azure Blu, thank you so much. I feel more grounded already, letting myself swim in the soup a bit…ahh, it IS messy in here yet I am somehow safe too.

    Victoria, hmm, I don’t know, at some point even in the healthiest relationships each partner will do their own thing, right? It’s caught me by surprise to be sure because it came RIGHT AFTER such an intimacy-building date…but from what I’ve read that’s often the way things go. As a man’s attraction deepens he might pull back a bit, take stock of things and check with his gut. I do wonder if my anxiety is slowing down his snap back to me but overall I have no doubt that he loves me and cares for me deeply. Even if he were to break up with me, I would be fine. Heartbroken, sad, devastated, all of those things, but I would not die. I could go on. I know that I would find love somewhere else. 🙂

    To your situation, I am so sorry that you had a miserable date! It happens every now and then…energies will not be lined up and perhaps one person comes in with expectations of attention and affection that the other partner isn’t up to meeting that night. I wouldn’t make any decisions while you’re upset. Treat yourself extra well right now and wait til you calm down before you do anything.

  53.  #53Dominique on June 5, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Millie – 21 – I would feel delighted to help. Let me know when you’re ready.


  54.  #54Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    PS… I have let myself just *BE* in the messy soup for
    an hour.
    a day,
    a week,
    It has changed my world
    it has Showed ME the patience, understanding,
    indulgence, respect
    I soooooo needed from me

    and Only when I can give that to ME
    will I choose to expect that from everyone else

  55.  #55Femininewoman on June 5, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    Labbit I shared about my daughter. What I did not share is that they spent hours talking. He shared his whole life story and that he was taken with her. He told her I might disappear for two weeks to deal with how I am feeling. He said it jokingly but I advised her to stay focused on the fact that it was just a date and that is how men behave so she should not put any store in anything that he said but must watch his actions. He text her all night until she fell asleep but we will see what happens in the coming weeks. She is prepared.

  56.  #56Jasmine on June 5, 2015 at 2:16 pm

    Hello sirens – I’m not feeling flittery fluttering butterfly reborn anymore. I’m feeling sad, overwhelmed small person confused. The temporary job I’ve taken is a sensory onslaught and I feel exhausted and wired when I come home. And I had a friend die at the weekend so I am feeling the grief of that and I feel vulnerable as me and the group move through supporting each other.

    I was feeling freaked already with the online dating – like Indigo says above, I feel really overwhelmed when I have too many men wanting my attention. I feel honed in on and I don’t like it, it’s not fun. I don’t ‘think’ I can do it ‘cos it feels too much for me.

    I went on a date the week before this weekend and I really really did not like it. There was nothing ‘wrong’ with him but I didn’t want to see him again and I felt really distressed about it. It doesn’t feel good to me to keep doing that when it has the ability to cause me that level of upset. Butttt, now I feel vulnerable, the ‘Mr unavailables’ have my time. The old, comfortable and familiar – those are the ones I turn to – sigh.

    So I need a grand plan ‘cos it feels like backwards or standing still. I would like to feel re-alligned. I need space in my head – I have family descending on Sunday but I just want to lie alone in the sun…I might take myself away…

    Millie – I’ve reached out before cos I’ve felt the need to express myself and it’s inevitably been painful but also sometimes with a little bit of sweetness. Regardless of whether it’s been painful (like painful painful, as in they turn around and have met someone else or something) or painful as in this is a tender conversation but it’s over, it has still often felt necessary to me, to help me get to that next stage of moving on.

    FW – it feels so lovely and warm to hear the joy and pride (that’s what I hear) in your daughter…she’s lucky to have such a wise mum (I could write mom but it’s mum to me 🙂

    Azure Blu – I love the way you’ve filled your own life up – that’s what I need too it feels a long time since I’ve felt like my life is ‘right’, that i’m really enjoying myself, and I know what I’m doing and where I’m going, and meeting all my needs…a very long time…

  57.  #57Labbit on June 5, 2015 at 2:18 pm

    It’s so true Azure Blu, and really when I am in my right mind I’m usually very loving both towards myself and others…though I suppose I do also have a capacity (much like my Dad) to cut off my emotions and tell myself to get over it. It cuts both ways, though these days much more towards the love and compassion side.

    The other factor playing in heavily for me is my past experiences of feeling like I was abandoned. I can remember a few dating relationships where men I really liked disappeared, and a period of time where it kept happening over and over (in part because of my extreme fear of it and inability to re-center myself). I can happily say that I am at least able to see that the past has no bearing on what’s going on right now. In truth, weekends where Tender works all weekend are not all that uncommon. And while his communication is a bit less than it has been, and I’m not seeing him as much, this isn’t really cause for extreme concern and when I am relaxed I can see that!

    When the anxiety creeps in however the fears and gremlins that come along with it make up all kind of nasty stories, and suddenly this weekend of not seeing Tender seems like a HUGE deal, a clear indicator (according to my fears) that I’m about to lose him not because of any basis in reality but rather because that’s what happened to me BEFORE. I see so clearly that these are not feelings or hunches, they are nasty LIES from my mind, my poor spinning mind that is trying to protect me from no real danger, but something it sees as very dangerous. It’s in a weird survival mode even though the situation does not call for it.

    If nothing else, the law of averages would seem to be in my favor here, since all things tend to balance. So as much as I’ve been abandoned or felt that way in the past, it’s clearly time for that to NOT happen. 😉 That isn’t really how Tender operates anyway. I’m sure everything is fine, if I can just help my heart convince my poor overworked brain of that.

  58.  #58Labbit on June 5, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    Femininewoman — Aww, that is so sweet! Yes, I can think of many men who I am close with who disappeared for a week, two weeks, even a month on someone they really loved while they dealt with their feelings, before going back to those loves and deepening their commitment.

    It’s always nice to hear another tale of that. Thank you. 🙂 It helps me build up my “inevitable success” file in my brain.

  59.  #59Jasmine on June 5, 2015 at 2:21 pm


  60.  #60Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    Mmmmm… the past…
    It has been coming up for me lately…
    I have been working on triggering MYSELF
    something Rori’s recent email talked about…
    It was VERY upsetting for me…
    I saw how I have MUCH anger (still) toward my ex’s
    the father of my children – running away and
    NEVER paying ANY child support…
    how I chose these men…
    to forgive myself…
    the journey they were on WITH me
    NOT that I was/am a victim of their whims…
    That MY WONDERFUL life IS/Was good…
    but I am working thru this
    and sitting with the mucky muck
    examining all of it and feeling it!!!
    of all the GOODNESS and not so good..
    but that It IS MY LIFE!! :-))

  61.  #61Sassy on June 5, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Labbit and Victoria,

    During this time of feeling abandoned, angry, fear, disappeared on, yes we (ALL of us) should let those feelings filter through us, gliding, winding down through each part of our body…FOLLOW YOUR FEELINGS, and FEEL them and watch them shoot out of your toes or your fingertips or the top of your head.

    And then, lie flat on your back, on your bed or couch, someplace nice and soft and comfy cozy, relax, close your eyes and have a warm, loving conversation with your man, seeing him in your mind’s eye, exactly the way you have seen him at his best, sexiest, male self. Remember his eyes looking at you lovingly, deeply, remember the way he smells when he’s holding you close.

    Say what you are feeling and then, picture him saying back to you exactly what you want him to say in REAL LIFE when he does come back (yes Labbit he will be back). Hear his low sexy quiet voice telling you all the right words.

    You will feel more secure, less anxious and it may just draw him in.

    I read a male blog today that struck me hard when his first of 5 commitment triggers for women to understand about men is that OUR ENERGY is what draws and pulls them in!

    I hope this helps. Visualization is huge for me.

  62.  #62Allure on June 5, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    I’m already there. huh.
    I just got it! I need something to focus on. I need to create. I’m literally losing my mind but in a very sane way. I need outlets. Constant and various.
    Day by day I feel an easing out of this cocoon. I can just breathe. In through the eyes, out through the hooha. My vibration is lowwwwwww and I know it. Great things happen at high vibration because I am contributing at higher level. I am avoiding shaming myself for having a low vibe. Like, whatever. I owe doing good, not vibing high.
    The strange part is so many interesting people are talking to me, maybe drawn to me? I’m not feeling 100% welcoming of it right now yet i’m accepting it as part of it all. Whatever it all is.
    Accepting. Helps me. Strange, harsh, dark thoughts? Cool.
    Long as I still love life, why worry? I can’t change it. It will fade or I will accept it as somethig that happens.
    Being easy with myself feels right. A comfortable fit. I’m good, I have a good life. I can chill.
    Feeling even more relaxed writing it out. Like it’s REAL. Not just thoughts. It became real just now. Felt soothing.
    “talking” myself through it feels soothing. I am my own best friend here. I have my back. I always do the right thing as long as I am growing and not repeating harsh lessons.

  63.  #63Azure Blu on June 5, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    so wonderful to hear your siren song!!!
    Thnk you for your thoughts for me…

    Wonder if you can give YOURSELF
    all kinds of praise, admiration, compliments…
    for taking that AMAZING
    adventure to all those exotic countries…
    allll that lovely time soaking up other cultures…
    so few people EVER do anything like that…
    all on their own…
    All my friends and family have NEVER done anything like that…

    It might feel really good to sit with yourself and talk
    about all the good and not so good times…
    tell the funny stuff and the times that the friendship of strangers got you through…
    maybe you could choose to dwell on this
    most positive of events!!!
    Relax and enjoy all of it…
    such a gift YOU gave to YOU!!!

  64.  #64Millie on June 5, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    Dominique should I email you privately? Or post on here?

  65.  #65Indigo on June 5, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    Azure Blu,

    I’m with you on this! I think what bothers me is the dishonesty of it… a guy friend pretending he is ok with friendship when he really isn’t. And hanging around on the periphery of your relationship in the hopes that you break up. I had this at the beginning of last year – I was dating a guy and two men (one of them was D, another was a close guy friend) tried to convince me to break up with my bf, essentially because they were interested in me. Ok, it wasn’t the right relationship for me, but still I don’t think I’ll ever put myself in that situation again.

    Emerson – I like the tennis balls analogy! Something for me to work on for sure!

  66.  #66Indigo on June 5, 2015 at 10:52 pm


    I’m with Azure Blu in #45. Spoken as a recovering perfectionist – I tend to drive myself so hard and be so tough on those parts of me I consider “unacceptable”, and if I make a mistake I am very hard on myself. But I recognise this, and I am taking conscious steps to change.

    I get the impression you judge these anxious feelings as weakness somehow, as being not acceptable or non-sireny or non-goddessy, or being imperfect or a bad girlfriend. When really they are just evidence that you are human, that you are a feeling, emotional human being who cares.

    I know the feeling of wanting to drive my anxious feelings away, or wanting to transcend them into a place of perfect serenity and “togetherness” because I don’t like feeling anxious, but really I think if you can just give in to the feelings, just let them come, let them wash over and through you, embrace them… don’t try to put a happy face on them, just let them be. Let others see your messiness if it feels safe enough. Create an accepting, safe place for yourself where you can be yourself. Like I said before, I am convinced these feelings have a message for you.


  67.  #67Indigo on June 5, 2015 at 11:03 pm


    I wanted to say to you here, something that Sassy has mentioned above, follow your feelings… they are giving you valuable information about what’s right for you, and what you can and can’t handle. I slogged away in desperately overstimulating jobs for years before taking my time to consciously choose a job where I felt peaceful and relaxed for the entire day. The difference is amazing. Similarly with dating… learn to listen to your feelings and don’t force yourself into situations that don’t feel right.

  68.  #68Beloved on June 5, 2015 at 11:08 pm

    I’d like to just say how GOOD it feels to detach from drama omg. Even riding around in my car feels like the most pleasurable, amazing experience, because my mind is with me and focused on feeling good and my own well being. I’ve been laughing and giggling and feeling silly and playful, filling up on comedy, taking naps, walking in nature and, in John Gray terms, am filling up my love tanks.

  69.  #69Jasmine on June 6, 2015 at 1:49 am

    Yes I agree Indigo – I won’t stay in something that doesn’t feel good to me (with men or work) or that is causing me too high levels of exhaustion or distress. I’m feeling my way through to the next stage…trying to see it as a stepping stone rather than an anchor round my next…though I can’t see the next step…I am getting information about what doesn’t feel at all good. Thank you Indigo

    Thank you Azure Blu – yes I am trying to do that and recognise what narratives I run that aren’t helpful for me and flip them round. It feels hard when I know I have a need like peace and quiet but those needs feel out of reach…still if I’m doing more do-overs with work and dating (online dating) and getting back the same information (these particular forms freak me out and stress me out) then that’s lots of information for me (again)…Yes Azure Blu I feel smiley I did have a lovely time and meet some lovely people. I feel truly grateful I had that experience…there’s probably a part of me that feels sad to not be there where every day was a CD day. Still life is life and I’ll keep moving through the soup with your vour always reminding me to keep loving myself and to stay awake!!! Thank you AB

  70.  #70Femininewoman on June 6, 2015 at 2:42 am

    Millie I believe she would tell you to email her at

  71.  #71Indigo on June 6, 2015 at 5:13 am


    I wanted to share something with you, a decision I’ve come to. Dominique already knows, but I wanted to share it with the rest of you. And this has to do with Sassy’s question about timelines and how long to wait for a man.

    I’ve decided to move to a different country, to emigrate. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a couple of years, but I suppose never really had the courage, or the timing wasn’t right. I was too much in a comfort zone with the people I knew here, and my routine, and of course this is all good and perfectly ok. It’s not in my nature to uproot myself – I’m very much about homecoming, and being around what I know and love, being content and comfortable.

    I have other reasons for emigrating, mostly to do with problems in my country, but the reason I wanted to share with you was to do with D. For the most part, I’ve been in an uncomfortable comfort zone with him for the last few years – swinging back and forth between contentment and frustration, but mostly happy to let things unfold and progress naturally, if they will. I love him very much and he mostly makes me very happy, when we are together, but I am rapidly getting to a point where my need for commitment is outweighing all of that. Dating whilst still seeing him has not been a solution because, well, I’m just not meeting anyone here that I can fall in love with. And walking away from him has not been an option because it’s not in my nature. Our bond is too strong, and my love for him too great, to know that he is just down the road and I am staying away.

    So I feel like I need to take drastic action and actually move to a different country, a country that I love, where I think I will be happy. I don’t want to debate this decision, so please I am not open to hearing if someone disagrees with me on this or feels there might be another way. I know there isn’t. This move would in any event only take place in another year or two, which would give me time to get experience in my current job which I love, and to get everything sorted out logistically for my move. But I feel I need to say to D that I cannot go on being taken for granted, whilst he has me around to see when he pleases without ever making a real commitment to me. And a real commitment is what I dearly, dearly want, deep down in my soul. I don’t get the sense that he will ever get that sense of needing to commit to me if I stick around indefinitely. So there is still a year or two to go, maybe he will step up in that time but if he doesn’t I am sure there is a better man waiting for me in my new country. If I stay, my love and loyalty will keep pulling me back to D. I need to make a complete move, a new adventure.

    Thank you for listening.

  72.  #72Labbit on June 6, 2015 at 5:32 am

    61 Sassy — Mmm, I love this visualization! I tried it last nite before bed while I was all curled up under my covers, and I woke up this morning feeling really good. Thank you!! 🙂

    66 Indigo — Yes, you are spot on. I have been judging myself very harshly. Like I said above, I suppose I have a picture of what a ‘good’ relationship is and what a ‘good’ girlfriend is and I felt like I wasn’t measuring up. But I also see how this all calls for compassion for myself…not harsh judgment or punishing, so I am mindfully and patiently stepping back from that. Or trying to anyway. 🙂

    I guess maybe I have had it wrong, but the way I’ve internalized a lot of what I’ve read here and on other coaching sites and maybe the wrong way? Dominique is the only coach I’ve seen who talks about embracing my anxiety, being kind to myself through it. What I’ve read here and elsewhere has felt to me that if I’m not relaxed, my energy is pushing out a needy/desperate/uncomfortable vibe that pushes men away. But I don’t FEEL needy or desperate right now. I feel anxious yes, uncomfortable yes, off-center yes. I realize it’s not Tender’s job to fix any of this for me, that these feelings are trying to tell me something (maybe even something good — like that our intimacy is GROWING!!) and I can love this part of the journey as much as any other part if I jut let myself. I don’t feel an urge to chase after him or track him down, though of course I do wonder what he’s doing at points.

    Last night I went out with friends and had an awesome time. 🙂 I did think of Tender a few times, but I didn’t let it pull me out of having fun or enjoying myself. When you’ve been with a guy for coming up on two years, it’s hard not to be reminded of him in small ways. When I got home I noticed voicemails from both my brother and one of my sisters…maybe they felt my energy. They both live in earlier time zones so even though it was late for me and I called them.

    They are both married so I was talking to them about how I was feeling, the anxiety and feeling like it wasn’t ‘good’ to feel anxiety and how in the ‘right’ relationship I felt like I should feel calm, collected, with a sense of peace. My brother guffawed at me — he said, oh sure, I definitely felt peaceful at times before I got married, but there was a heckuva lot of anxiety in there too…between feeling himself start to care about his now-wife and how scary that was for him, how she would sometimes do things he didn’t understand that sent him into panic mode, and so on. He guessed that he was nervous or anxious probably half the time during their courtship, and they have been happily married for about 10 years now. My brother by the way had previously been with a woman that he moved to another part of the country for, gave up a great job for and then she dumped him shortly after. It took him YEARS to get over that. It’s not just us Sirens who go through that kind of thing, he reminded me.

    My sister said similar things, that especially in the beginning she was constantly nervous while dating her now-husband because she felt herself falling in love very quickly, and it seemed like she was falling BEFORE him, and she feared that he would sense it, take advantage of her and then dump her. She said the first 6-8 months were constant butterflies for her, and that obviously things have worked out fine (she’s been married close to 20 years) and that anxiety is just part of the game, nothing to be ashamed of or try to get rid of.

    So that all made me feel a lot better too. I am learning that it’s good to be my authentic myself, even when I don’t approve of how I feel. 🙂 Finding more compassion for myself with each day…and allowing myself to keep expanding rather than freezing in place or contracting into myself.

  73.  #73Labbit on June 6, 2015 at 5:35 am

    71 Indigo — Aww, I think this wonderful! Taking care of yourself. I’ll be intrigued to see what D does but I agree with you strongly and surely that no matter what he does, you are doing the right thing for you. And love will surely find you wherever you are.

    What an exciting adventure Indigo!!! A fresh home can bring so many wonderful experiences and growth and ideas. I feel refreshed, like after a cool morning rain.

  74.  #74Indigo on June 6, 2015 at 6:07 am

    Labbit 72,

    Yes, I so understand. But more and more I’m coming to see recently… isn’t a good relationship also one where you have the space and safety to be yourself? I’m not talking about spewing or unloading your feelings onto your partner, or being argumentative or dramatic, but just being real. I mean, anxiety is a part of you. It’s a part of me. It’s something I feel from time to time. And usually there is a reason, whether internal or external. How can it be wrong to just acknowledge that anxiety and say, I feel…. and this is why. I know I also have a tendency to interpret all the coaches’ advice in the light of I should be perfect, but I think it’s not that way at all.

    Thank you so much for your supportive words, it feels good 🙂

  75.  #75Lovergirl on June 6, 2015 at 7:00 am


    That sounds like a brave and wonderful decision. I will definitely be rooting for you whatever you choose to do. Sometimes a move is exactly what you need. I actually moved to the city last year, from an area that I hated and it very much helped me get over a man that I was attached to back there as well.

  76.  #76Lovergirl on June 6, 2015 at 7:19 am

    Oh Sirens, I feel so confused. I did about a million “should not’s” with S here the past couple of days. I don’t even want to talk about it, because I know everyone will tell me I shouldn’t have done and said the things I did. My emotions just kind of took over.

    Now I guess I just have to wait. Wait and see if it all blows up in my face, or if somehow, miraculously, it works in my favor. I may be waiting a long time. :/

  77.  #77Beloved on June 6, 2015 at 7:28 am

    Labbit – I’m not sure what you’re hearing from what we post on the blog about anxiety – often I see that sometimes we have a tendency to interpret what Rori says through a lens that fits what we already believe 🙂 – so I dug up some stuff where you can hear what Rori actually says herself about anxiety:

    (And this is amazing to read right now considering how much anxiety I’ve felt all through my first year of school!)

    Anxiety Is Often The Clue You Need That Something Good’s About To Happen

    Here’s part of a conversation with a client I’ll call “Toni” – where she’s moving (at the speed of light, truly…) from overfunctioning, controlling, anger-filled and resentment-filled communication, fighting, arguments, blaming…everything going wrong – to ease, harmony, smiling, affection, love, laughing…everything going WELL!

    This letter is happening at the point where Toni’s making a real effort to put the Tools into practice and experiencing both great results, and the fear that ANY “change” brings…

    “Hi Rori-

    I wanted to send you an update. I have so much going on and I need to get it out.

    Things in the relationship are up and down.

    They’re really good one day, and then really bad the next. I continue to do things (on purpose and by accident) to trigger arguments. Today has been really hard because I am starting to feel a LOT of anxiety lately. More than I have felt in a really long time.

    I feel scared! Scared that things won’t work out and scared that they will. It’s crazy. I want to cover it up with anger, but it’s harder to do for some reason.

    I am terrified to be away from him. Like everything is on the brink of falling apart. We have been bickering a lot the last several days, and had two really big arguments last week.

    Last Thursday I couldn’t stand him and was pretty sure that I was done. Then by Friday evening I was wondering how I could ever be without him.

    I’m all over the place. (But I had really pulled away on Thursday and he stepped up and was very loving and kind and supportive. So I got close again, and then Sunday was bad again).

    I’m having some good insights. I had a moment of clarity where I totally understood that all I had to do was be true to myself and my feelings – which doesn’t mean criticizing, blaming, etc.

    It all made total sense. Very empowering.

    Then I got freaked out because I felt more independent and separate.

    I’ve had a nagging sense for years that I keep things on edge emotionally because I (in bold capital letter) can’t handle intimacy. It’s been a vague fear that if I’m not the one pursuing, I’ll lose interest.

    So I keep myself in this fragile place emotionally because it keeps me feeling connected somehow, and allows me to act in ways where I get rejected and then I feel inadequate and wrong and unlovable.

    Then I put up with things that I know I shouldn’t – but I also know that somehow I’m creating them because I’m more comfortable being rejected and trying to fight my way back in.

    (This feels very powerful. I’m crying and feel very sad. Like I’ve really abandoned myself.) I’m not sure where to go with all of this. I feel very anxious and alone and scared.

    I want to start working on how to talk about some of the big issues for me in our relationship. I also need to work on the anxiety I am feeling that causes me to want to start a fight just to release some energy.


    From Me:

    Toni…You sound fantastic!

    I know it feels crappy – but here’s the truth – things feel chaotic and stirred up right before you leap into a new level of consciousness and experience.

    The trick is to ride the wave of the anxiety and other feelings rather than trying to figure them out.

    Just EMBRACING everything you feel, sitting with it – not trying to DO anything about it.

    It’s natural to bounce around out of fear… – yes, we all fear what we want, and intimacy is the number one fear of all of us.

    We fear merging, and want to merge – and intimacy feels like merging – but it isn’t.

    You have to stay whole enough to be intimate – so that’s the trick.

    You are DOING this!

    For you – not “spewing” out the energy that’s welling up inside you is key – write it out instead, or talk to yourself in the mirror.

    Breathe, practice going inside, and way outside rather than hanging in your head.

    Touch things, dance, move…

    What I think would be the best thing for us to do is script.

    We could take ever single conversation and argument you’ve had, and redo them differently.

    Just keep doing what you’re doing… and fear is part of the teacher, here….

    Love, Rori

  78.  #78Linda on June 6, 2015 at 8:06 am

    Indigo, I once had an experience in my life where I was living with and trying to accept and to make a situation work that really didnt. This had to do with the education of my oldest daughter and she was a second grader at the time. It fell short in so many ways and I was doing my best to look at all the angles, talk to all that were involved, figure out how to make an completely inadequate situation be enough. After looking at all the issues, I knew that something had to change. I felt so utterly responsible as her parent to make sure she was in an environment where she would be set up to be successful. Give her her best opportunity to thrive.

    I was thinking that I would remove her from the classroom she was in into different one with a different teacher. It was around the christmas break and that is when I was going to tell the principal that I wanted her moved, but I still did not know to which class. I knew that a change had to be made but I was still very unclear on what it was.

    It came to me one evening thru what I consider divine intervention that the answer I needed was not what I was considering at all. Ultimately what needed to be done was to completely remove her from that school totally. Once I looked outside the “box” on which I was focused and considered a totally different environment ( private schooling)… EVERYTHING fell into place!

    Doing this was scary. I It required a huge financial undertaking and involved a lifestyle change and sacrifices and commitments. I saw so many possible road blocks but in the end it all worked and it was the RIGHT thing to do.

    Your decision is Brilliant! It will take courage and require you to step into uncharted territory. I feel confident that you find the strength you need just when you need it and that the awareness you have of yourself will work for you in ways you never dreamed possible. BRAVA!

  79.  #79Azure Blu on June 6, 2015 at 8:35 am

    Thank you for sharing your dreams and future

    It all sounds like such a good idea…
    Brava lovely, powerful YOU!!

  80.  #80victoria on June 6, 2015 at 8:42 am

    I also think it is a lovely idea! Brava!
    I have lived abroad two years (as a student) and I can tell you the first 6 months there were the happiest time of my life!
    Brava for this fantastic decision!

  81.  #81Azure Blu on June 6, 2015 at 8:59 am

    Welll… I was feeling angry and sad about Spirit not bothering to at least contact me and say…
    “You are right this wont work… I wish you the best also…”
    Nothing for 4 weeks…
    I thought I didn’t care if i heard from him or not…
    but after 10 months dating… saying that he loved me talked about the future, about marriage…
    So sweet and fun
    after all the changes he professed to make – looked like he made…
    that he would call me because he cares about me…

    Sooo I did what I don’t like to do – Never do –
    I went on facebook and looked him up… we never friended each other (I never friend my bf)

    I had watched his facebook off and on when we were dating and seen his posts about his grandchildren and religion and politics… but hadn’t been there in 4 or 5 months…

    There he was – his main picture with a beautiful
    woman and him… dated May 20-2015
    from other photos he had on there
    he has dated her before… 2013

    other photos of them together recently…

    I feel stupid… OHHH so STUPID
    and naive.. so stupid…
    Why am I so good at choosing the wrong man

    I NEVER ever thought he would be lieing to me…
    obviously they had been in contact – seeing her…
    this photo was only 4 days after I broke up with him 1 week after I asked him to
    help me understand what was going on…
    because he had been cooled off and evasive for the week before…

    I certainly did need to see this coming…
    I HAVE been SOOOO blind and naive…
    I had actually thought , the reason he hadn’t said anything at all was that he may have ended up in the hospital with pneumonia or his daughter was having another episode…
    I am a trusting person because I am trustworthy…

    I was actually feeling ready to get back online…
    I’m crying and VERY sad…
    I havent had this happen in a very long time…
    It sucks!!!

  82.  #82Linda on June 6, 2015 at 9:36 am

    Re -visiting that transition time in mine and my daughters life so many years ago. All the not knowing, fears, worries but still moving forward into it. Wow… It all turned out so well . I realize that even though I felt weak and smallish and all the pressure of all the unknowns I kept going.

    I am sitting on my bed crying. These are tears of revelation actually. In Hindsight now I can see how successful and accomplished and right all that was but when I was going thru it felt messy…. yet… I kept going.

    I have been feeling so frustrated and unsuccessful. I really want the pieces of my life to fall into peaceful and pleasant places and that ultimately it will be with “my man” by my side. My life feels messy and strife filled. I feel like no matter what I do or say I just keep falling short. It occurs to me maybe I have not been falling short at all. Maybe all my frustration should be flipped into the fuel in my tank. Remembering that time in my life I was driven by something almost outside of myself toward what I knew was right. I set my course and did not stop. It was a unknowingly really “strong”time in my life. Maybe I am closer to what I want than I know. I sure hope so.

    I have been feeling down about things around P honestly… frustrated… unsuccessful but after remembering my life experience with my daughter, Opening up to P again was a really strong and healthy move even though many would say it was weak and stupid and a waste of my time. It wasnt. I did not want to live with any reqrets or what if’s.

    I brought offered him something new. I brought a set of new eyes and an renewed open heart. He did not. Telling P weeks ago exactly how I felt as I explored this was a strong move. Releasing all the energy around things, dealing with my triggers is feeling more and more cleansing as days pass. I have a genuine ability to be soft and strong around it all now.

    I truly have outgrown him. My heart/life is not a match with his. Beloved was sooo right ! The issues that kept us from coming together have nothing to do with me. The man lives his life with a log in his eye going around pointing out short comings in others. Pointing out how everybody falls short and are disqualified because his of it. That is such a small, distasteful sad way to approach life. No wonder I was never really happy with him.

    I am thankful that the things he has said and how he behaved this time were offensive to me instead of me trying to negotiate and make lemons into lemonade. Sour is sour and I have no belly for it. I can say no with such peace. I can say what I need to say with no second guessing. Saying no and clearing saying what I desire was so so cleansing. I was really at my best and offered my best and am walking forward toward my goal with even more defined boundries than ever before. My eyes are on the prize and I am running my race. Oh my goodness more tears …. I am the prize!

  83.  #83Linda on June 6, 2015 at 9:57 am

    I recently heard EMK say that a wrong relationship is a wrong relationship….and trying and re-trying or settling with it is like putting our feet into shoes that don’t fit right and hurt terribly. Such a black and white way to describe it. I love his take on things from a mans point of view.

    I want a beautiful pair of shoes that are sexy and shiny and red that I can wear all day, walk in comfortably with all my sireny qualities that fit like a glove. mmmmm

  84.  #84Beloved on June 6, 2015 at 10:06 am

    (((Azure Blu)))
    Sweet, precious, darling DARLING precious siren.
    I feel grateful that you aren’t dating him anymore.
    May you take exquisite, loving, pampering care of yourself. It took courage to follow your heart.
    I see you, I care and I’m holding you in soft, loving thoughts.

  85.  #85Linda on June 6, 2015 at 10:15 am

    Azure… You are NOT Stupid STOP

    You are beautiful woman of integrity!!!! He however falls no where near that range.

    I know it hurts to see what you discovered. I am sending you my love and wish I lived close, knew Spirit and would have absolutely no problem confronting him about his lack of integrity and christian morality. Makes my blood boil !!!!

    Please know that what seeds we plant it the fruit we harvest. No one is exempt from it is. We dont have to wish anyone anything ill. They create it for themselves by how they treat others.

    What a terrible terrible terrible thing. I wish things were not as they were for you.


  86.  #86Linda on June 6, 2015 at 10:23 am

    Azure you posted last thread about the full moon

    “This suggests high levels of nervous tension,
    mental irritability, vagueness, confusion which
    muddles clear action as well as
    possible back and forth with
    misunderstandings via communication and emotions….
    “It almost feels right now as if things on a mental level are in suspended animation,
    not really moving or going anywhere

    I have been feeling this way… SO MUCH!

    In different ways thru different events…we have come to have crystal clear clarity today.

  87.  #87Sassy on June 6, 2015 at 11:11 am


    Yay! I feel thrilled that the visualization worked for you.
    It’s something everyone can do about anything in their life!

  88.  #88Liquid Light on June 6, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Azure, I’m so sorry about what happened. That does suck. Please be good to yourself and take extra special care of yourself right now! Hang in there, girl, at least now you know the truth and can move on for good.


  89.  #89Sassy on June 6, 2015 at 11:18 am


    I applaud you for your decision. We are supportive siren sisters here and I would hope that none of us would trample any dreams of choosing to move forward in your life.

    D just may surprise you with his reaction/response.

    Are you prepared for whatever that may be?

    With respect to my timeline, whether I choose to keep it at 30 days, 60, 90 or another 5 years …, I have been trying to reckon with myself what I really want from him. I know I love him truly, madly, deeply, lol. But what do I really want? That’s my dilemma at this moment.

  90.  #90Sassy on June 6, 2015 at 11:23 am

    Lover girl,

    Shoulda woulda coulda….you said what you said, S (and a lot of men) tend to not be as hard on us and what we have said as we are on ourselves. I know, for me, I tend to go over what I said in my head a million times and stress over it and by the time I try to bring it up or apologize, phhhttt, he has forgotten it or forgiven it and it’s on to a different subject!

    Don’t be so hard on yourself unless you said something so horrific that S went flying out of your life in that instance.

  91.  #91Sassy on June 6, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Azure, oh our sweet loving Azure! I so feel your pain! I can actually picture/feel the blood draining from your face as you saw that. Please DON’T beat yourself up.

    You, our sweet Azure DESERVE better! He has no cajones to not have been honest and up front with you.

    Andrea, (where are you Andrea, you’ve been on my mind!) went through this not so long ago with RR guy and it was the catalyst for her turning point to a much better, happier place.

    As you and I are in the same age range, I most certainly empathize with this. I have been there! If you need to vent, scream, cry, talk, yell, Spirit bash or anything, let me know and I will gladly give you my email.

    Spirit has no idea what he gave up.

    Much much love to you.

  92.  #92Kim on June 6, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Just catching up on the blog, wow Azure I am SO sorry, I bet that is a big blow, even though it is not a reflection of who you are but of who he is!
    And, I think you felt something was off….you know, it reminded me so much of the guy I briefly dated who introduced me to his parents etc but when we first dated he never invited me to his place. It felt off from the beginnimg, I KNEW something was wrong..he would not make much contact on weekends…in the end it came out he was living with his “ex” and she was not so ex…
    They had a brief hiatus, but I only recently (we have shared friends) found out he went on a big vacation with her and even moved into a bigger house together lol. Ex my arse. Crazy ex he called her, ‘oh no you don’t want to meet her believe me she is crazy, nobody likes her’…I also did a bit of fb stalking and it was all bs, he praised her and took videos of her lol.
    In the end, just imagine you were the girlfriend. I amthanking my lucky stars that I am not with a man like that.
    Once the pain subsides, you will know there is something infinitely better around the corner, at the very least a man has to have integrity and honesty and where that is lacking every single tear is a waste….don’t cry for him, just the time that he wasted – your precious time..which he got way too muh of.
    And a great lesson….the guy I dated taught me a great lesson, one was to listen to the off feeling, and the other to understand a man who goes MIA for any amount of time geater than a day or two, well, he might be spending that time with another woman..without being paranoid…it quite often is the case unfortunately.
    It sucks but…I think you dodged a huge bullet!
    Onwards and upwards!

  93.  #93Kim on June 6, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    Indigo, what a great idea, don’t put it off for years, do it soon, it will be a great experience, frustrating, rewarding, amazing, and so much more. I emigrated twice….not regretted it a moment.
    I wouldn’t make a big deal or even tell D unless plans are moving into concrete…people have a habit of trying to hold you back when they hear it, especially if it is in their own interests….and honestly, a man who isn’t inspired to step up after all this time, most likely won’t even on the eve of you leaving…like you said, it’s something for you.
    Honestly, it is such a great thing! Love it. It’s pro-active, not waiting for something to happen but making something happen. Way to go.

  94.  #94Liquid Light on June 6, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    Things are getting to be pretty intense at work. I’m being thrust into a leadership design role almost by default. Its not really what I want, but if I have to do it, I’ll do the best job that I can.

    It means that I’m going to have to play politics and navigate power plays, and be very careful about not stepping on the wrong toes. I hate politics and I suck at it so I’m bound to offend people along the way. I don’t think I’m very diplomatic at times. I wish I could take a course in how to do this but suddenly the role is being thrust upon me and I will just have to feel my through it and see if I sink or swim. I’m really worried that I’m going to fail miserably and piss off a bunch of people along the way. Ughh.

    Besides that, I’m developing a crush on someone at work who has a big role on this new project. I’m very attracted to him and we flirt with each other. It’s fun and I think he enjoys it too. So despite that its probably not a good idea to get involved with a work colleague, I’m having a hard time resisting that. If we do get involved and it goes sower, though, I’m going to be the one who has the most to loose since he is much higher on the food chain than I.

    So things are getting complicated on multiple levels. This all could either turn out to be a huge feather in my cap or everything could just as easily blow up in my face, and I could end up broken hearted and fired and hitting the pavement again looking for work. Ughh.

    Truth be told, I don’t even want the responsibility and would be perfectly happy in a low key role like I’ve had so I’m just wondering how did this even happen???

  95.  #95Liquid Light on June 6, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    OMG I spelled sour wrong!!! I couldn’t remember how to spell it! OMG, what is wrong with my brain?? I’m losing it!!! ACKKKK!!! :S

  96.  #96victoria on June 6, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Why do you think he was two timing you? I think it is much more likely that he was heart broken because things did not work out between you, they just didn’t, so reached out to someone from his past, he knocked on a door that would easily open. I have done it when I was dumped, why wouldn’t he? You should not think at all that he lied to you. It was your choice to leave him because you wanted diffrent things, there’s nothing more.

  97.  #97Indigo on June 6, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    Wow, so many great supportive comments, you sirens have made my heart happy 🙂

    Linda – thank you for sharing your story, and I so agree that sometimes you have to go totally outside the box, not just to a different corner of the box. Environment and place is so important.

    Azure Blu & Victoria – thank you 🙂

    Sassy – thank you 🙂 and I am prepared to be surprised in any number of ways, but I’m not thinking about it…

    Kim – thank you! And I have very real logistical reasons why I can’t up and leave straight away – I feel comfortable with the one to two year timeline, that will give me time to sort things out. But thank you for your positive affirmation! It feels great. I won’t be telling my immediate family about it until a short while before I go because they will just fret and try to talk me out of going and load the whole thing with more emotional stress than it needs to have, so I totally agree with you there. I want to tell D because I think he deserves to know the part he plays in my decision to leave. I feel it’s important that I’m clear on that, although I have no intention of debating or discussing my decision with him. Very likely he will not step up or surprise me, who knows. You’re quite right, I’m doing this for me.

  98.  #98Indigo on June 6, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    ((Azure Blu))

    I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to say that I think a man not having you round to his place is a huge red flag. As is his not making weekend plans with you.

    I’m just so sorry this has happened to you. I cannot for the life of me work out why a man like this just disappears rather than just tell you straightforwardly he has met someone else. The truth hurts, but I think it is so much easier to respect and deal with if it is honestly given to you. I have delivered bad news like this to a guy more than once in my life, and it was never pleasant but at least I had the knowledge that I had dealt with them as honestly and fairly as I could. Just slinking off and letting you wonder and fret for weeks on end… I’m sorry I just don’t get it.

  99.  #99Liquid Light on June 6, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    As if things weren’t complicated enough at work…

    There’s another man who is the big boss on this new project (and is actually the boss of the man I have a crush on.) He and I have been working closely together on the design of a product that he is in charge of.

    I have to go on a business trip in a few weeks and he and I will be traveling there together. We get along great, and he’s fun to be around, we’ve been to a couple work happy hours together and I feel like he’s becoming a friend almost. Its nice. But…sometimes I get a vibe from him and I’m not sure if I’m imagining it or not…

    He’s very outgoing and funny so I tend to brush it off to his personality. The other day we were chatting on work IM about the trip and he said something like “You can be my wife so I can get you into the members club at the airport.” That comment on top of some of the vibes I’m getting from him sometimes, makes me worried. He’s married and I’m not interested in him at all. And I really don’t want to deal with him coming on to me in any way. Am I fretting over nothing though? What do you ladies think?

  100.  #100Azure Blu on June 6, 2015 at 1:52 pm

    Ahhhh… lovely Sirens
    Such wonderful support!! i feel held and hugged and cherished here on the Island!!!

    What s*cks is that I was just pulling out of the grieving and letting go stage!!!
    AHHHH!!! I DON”T want to spend anymore time
    on this man…
    His nasty, drama filled, disfunctional vibes!!!

    Victoria… i do tend to agree with what you’re saying…
    I too have reached out a few days after my last big break up with KS cd…
    to a couple of men that were waiting in the wings…

    and Yes, Kim you are sooo right…
    It was VERY suspect about not ever going over to his house…
    that was the other reason I broke it off!!!

    BUT it still HURT to see THEM together on his facebook main picture, looking SOOO happy!!! and He wouldn’t even invite me to his house!!! Barely would call me his gf and really I only hung out with his buddies once
    All the reasons I broke up…
    I know I was right…
    Right doesn’t mean it WONT HURT!!!

    I did do the right thing for ME…

    thank you all for the supporting vibes,
    and words of wisdom…
    I do remember Andrea’s story about RR…
    I REAlly know how she felt now… even though she had broken it off. with RR. it Still feels H*LLish to be lied to!!

    YEah… he had sooo many women in his phone
    he could have called any of them

    Thank you Sassy for your reaching out…

    AND he did disappear after I ask for more connection…
    I’m sure he’s done the same to her…

    Just feels like heart breaking to be ignored!!!
    and feels like he lied…
    and then to have to see how HAPPY he looked
    and beautiful she is (she is around my age)

    I just didn’t need this BUT
    as Linda said.
    Clarity!!! IF I needed MORe I surely have it now

    Thank you Liquid L & Indigo!!
    Your warm loving words are helping me sooo much!!

    Beloved… You are so wonderful!!!

    I can’t tell you alll how much all of your
    Siren loving chorus is filling my heart
    with the wonderful uplifting melody
    and I am feeling better…
    kisses and love!!

  101.  #101Azure Blu on June 6, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    Yeah… about Spirit…
    It always did feel like he had one foot out the door..
    just the strangest relationship I ever tried to navigate!!

    I worked on being flexible… nobody is perfect
    trying to hold my boundaries but be open hearted and warm

    Of course I would quit!!!
    there was NOTHING there
    It was certainly imaginary by the end of the 2 months…
    JUST s*cks to see him soooo da*mn happy!!!
    I wanted to be ME landing on MY feet
    after breaking up with him!!
    Well Im ready now to get back online!!!

    Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!
    this Island is a god send!!!

  102.  #102Zara on June 6, 2015 at 2:16 pm

    81 Azure Blu “I am a trusting person because I am trustworthy”

    Yes! Trusting persons make the world more comfortable. So thank you for being a trusting person.

    The primary trust is the trust in my own feelings. Do I feel satisfied? Do I feel loved? Regardless of who the man really is or what he really feels. Anyhow, how can I ever know who he is and what he feels? How can anyone know such things? I am thinking if G*d made it impossible to know 100% what the man is up to, it might be because it is irrelevant to my happiness. What matters is how I feel within our relationship, and that I trust myself to follow my feelings.

    What the man is up to, is irrelevant when I trust myself.

    Either I feel satisfied within my relationship with him and I can trust my feeling of satisfaction and bask in it, no matter what the man is up to. Whatever part of him I don’t know is irrelevant to my happiness when happiness there is.

    Or I don’t feel satisfied within our relationship and I can trust my feeling of lack and move away from the relationship, no matter the best qualities of the man that are irrelevant to my happiness when hunappiness there is.

    You trusted your feelings and chose to stop the relationship with this man.

    What you saw on Facebook a month later, was sent to you by Universe to help you remember how you were feeling inside that relationship and why you did well in creating a fresh space in your world.

    Hang in there! Universe has got a plan to fill in that space for your soul to shiver from happiness. Keep trusting, dear, keep trusting. You are one step closer to your heart desire.


  103.  #103Allure on June 6, 2015 at 2:46 pm


  104.  #104Labbit on June 6, 2015 at 3:46 pm

    74 Indigo — Oh yes, absolutely having the space and safety to be yourself is HUGELY important in relationship. I guess, to clarify in case I’ve led otherwise, I know that I COULD reach out to Tender and tell him how anxious I’m feeling, and that he would totally be there to catch my emotions, to validate me if I wanted that, to soothe me. But something about the way this has all come together makes me WANT to experience it on my own a bit…to see where this journey takes me. Likewise, I want to respect him enough to give him the space he is asking for right now. But I KNOW that if I called him and said, hey, I need you to be here for me right now, he would be. I am not stifling myself. I feel safe with him.

    And yes yes YES I so agree that I am coming to learn that it is OK to feel however I’m feeling, even show that messy part of me to the world if I so choose. As long as we are not ATTACKING our men with it, I think we are all good.

    Love to you Siren.

  105.  #105Labbit on June 6, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    77 Beloved — AHHH, THANK YOU THANK YOU!! This is so perfect, and another piece in the reassurance puzzle I am putting together inside of me. Truly, this is such a wonderful article you have found and shared…I can’t adequately express my gratitude in words. 🙂 And thank you Rori too for writing it!!

  106.  #106Femininewoman on June 6, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    Indigo I feel good about your decision. I just don’t know that I feel good about you telling him the part that he is playing in your making the decision. It kinda have the vibe of a threat or ultimatum. I am not saying it is just encouraging you to really go deep within to feel your motivation in sharing what you want to and to really see where you are coming from. Sometimes things fly under our radar of consciousness.

    I do believe it is wonderful if it is about giving yourself a new lease on life and living your passion. Really letting go of him to live your dream could create the greatest miracle you could never imagine.

  107.  #107Femininewoman on June 6, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Azure I remember you saying more than once he is not the man for me. Especially early on around the religious differences. That was your higher self talking with you. The spiritual thing might have just been his camouflage he was hoping you would hold on to like a dog with a bone. Things always tend to work out. We don’t see it when we are in the middle of the mess but later on when we look back we see it as it is what it is and it could not be any other way.

  108.  #108Labbit on June 6, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    81 Azure Blu — I know this must have been very hard for you to see, and I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling now! In my experience of men who are my friends, many if not all of them will start dating immediately after a breakup, even if it’s someone they were with for YEARS. Sometimes they would start dating again within HOURS. They may very much be hurting over the loss of the relationship (and often this hurt is exactly why they start dating again so quickly) and this is how they choose to handle it.

    I would be very careful about in your mind equating your breakup to be because he’d found someone else. Him dating this woman and his relationship/breakup with you most likely have NOTHING to do with each other. Except that it does show that rather than be a mature man who’s willing to work on relationship, this is how he chooses to handle conflict — by not handling it AT ALL!!

    Who’s to say that he is happy and not just putting on a front?!? Remember that men process their emotions VERY differently than women, and just because he is out dating doesn’t make him any happier than you are. Why compare yourself to him anyway?

    And HOORAY YOU for getting back online!!! As you should. There is no reason to wait or having a mourning period. Men are very good are discretely putting things in boxes — what happened in one relationship only matters to THAT relationship, and has no bearing on ANY OTHER relationship. It is something I think it’s very Sireny to emulate myself. 🙂

  109.  #109Dominique on June 6, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    Millie – 64 – Whichever you feel more comfortable with. Though you may consider an email session. It seems as though a major shift is happening for you inside, and I would love to get into this more deeply with you.


  110.  #110Linda on June 6, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    Sirens, I know that it is noble to give men the benefit of doubt . But over and over my personal experience has been when a man or becomes inconsistent with contact, runs hot and cold, Behaves in a sort of secretive way it has ALWAYS been because they were seeing or talking to someone else.

    To be honest it really really ticks me off.

    I place a very high value on Integrity. It seems almost a thing of the past these days.

  111.  #111Emerson on June 6, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    Hi Sirens,
    I have been feeling numb…
    I feel indifferent about any men contacting me. I feel afraid to dare to ‘hope’ that one of them could be ‘real’ and the real thing.

    I’d like to find a way to avoid feeling so let down.

    I have an acquaintance (in an exercise class) who I have been really having fun with, I didn’t know much about him…but within a week I found out his s/o is pregnant and then they got married over the next weekend.

    Oy vey.

    He’s very flirty and fun. He gives me a lot of attention and for a brief moment I allowed myself to be ‘open’ to a possibility of dating him…he had not asked me out but it felt like that vibe to me….

    Then I find out preggers and nuptials. Sigh.

    I literally got a lump in my throat when I found out. Then I scolded myself for being so silly to dare to think anything.

    I don’t want to give up. But I feel that’s where I’m at. (I know I have mentioned this so many times, sorry)

  112.  #112Emerson on June 6, 2015 at 9:48 pm

    I mean obviously I don’t have any hopes remaining for this particular guy, but I mean I feel like giving up overall.

    Wah. Feeling pouty and something deeper.

  113.  #113Indigo on June 6, 2015 at 11:49 pm

    Lovergirl 75,

    Also thank you so much for your supportive words 🙂

  114.  #114Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 12:01 am

    Feminine Woman 106,

    Wow, thank you for your beautiful words.

    Speaking of a beautiful miracle I could never imagine, I wanted to share with you Sirens that shortly after this decision was made, in fact I was still a little on the fence about it, I had a dream on Friday night. In it, a princess appeared to me. She was beautiful and strong and everything I want to be. She lived in a castle that she had just moved into and was now the mistress of as she had just married a wonderful man, whom I could absolutely see myself married to. He had chosen her, pursued her and proposed to her.

    It seemed to me like this was my future self and she seemed to be telling me to just step out in confidence in myself, to know that I am worth having it all and just go for it.

    This felt great, and like a lovely confirmation of my decision.

    In terms of telling him, FW, I will keep this in mind and I’m sure the right thing to say will come to me.

  115.  #115Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 12:19 am

    Azure Blu,

    I’m with Labbit. I would definitely not take it for granted that he is happier with this new woman… it often looks that way from the outside. But chances are extremely good she will start experiencing exactly the same thing as you are experiencing, and it won’t last. I know it’s not good to speculate about these things, but I do find it healing to remember that a man’s flaws don’t magically go away because he is with a new woman. It helps me to move on with no regrets.

    And I’m sorry to say, I also agree with Linda. A man getting evasive or secretive or suddenly dropping off contact is often a sign they are seeing someone else. And I agree with Linda about integrity. It’s something very, very important to the way I act, and is too little found these days.

  116.  #116Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 1:59 am

    FW 106,

    Re: him seeing it as a threat or ultimatum. I don’t really care how he interprets it. I am tired of dancing around my need for a commitment. I feel I need to tell him, and he can make of it and do with the information what he wishes.

  117.  #117Millie on June 7, 2015 at 2:34 am

    Dominique–I will email you!

    Had date #3 today with CDB. I really loved that he planned something during the day and not just in the evening. We went vintage shopping and it was really fun! He’s pretty silly, and I can see him being someone to make the little things fun, which is something that was missing with M. M was very serious most of the time and it took a lot to bring out his silliness. The cashier at the store asked us how long we had been together and my CD tells them oh this is the 3rd date and they couldn’t believe it!! I guess we have good chemistry and appear comfortable with each other. After that we had some beer at his place for awhile and got some dinner and he kissed me!! I almost thought he wasn’t going to do it, but it felt pretty amazing!! Overall I like him. I like being with him. It feels easy. I think we are obviously still “getting” each other’s personalities so there were a couple little communication bumps–but I don’t have the energy to worry about it.

    CDA who I cancelled on,only asked me the next day if I was working late again. I said yes and he didn’t reply. I’m guessing he must think I’m not interested because I’m saying I have to work late, but it’s actually true!

  118.  #118Femininewoman on June 7, 2015 at 2:37 am

    Indigo I understand your stance about commitment. As you are ready to walk away it tells me that your talk will not be loaded with expectations.

  119.  #119victoria on June 7, 2015 at 3:52 am

    I would not tell anything to D. yet. What you have right now is inspiration, and your lovely personal plan, and, as far I can see it, it is not about him but about you living your full potential. This fantastic idea is the ultimate lean back and refocusing all your energy Back on you. We don’t tell our men “now I am goingto lean back” we just do it.
    The time to tell him, in my humble opinion, is when you have everything 100% planned – I.e. an year from now or so.

  120.  #120Femininewoman on June 7, 2015 at 4:07 am

    Great idea Victoria. I think as her energy moves towards putting her plan together and manifesting the plan, her energy and focus will naturally move away from him and towards energy her life and creating her life so it will create an unconscious shift which he will feel.

  121.  #121Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 4:21 am

    Victoria & Feminine Woman,

    Thank you ladies 🙂 Thank you for all the support and positive vibes I hear in your words.

    I feel really excited. I have already gone onto all the immigration websites and downloaded the forms and seen what is involved. My vibe already feels different and as if I am focused on this new chapter, and not on what isn’t as it should be here.

  122.  #122Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 7:07 am

    Love love this:
    “My vibe already feels different and as if I am focused on this new chapter, and not on what isn’t”

    I had a friend who lived in Sao Paolo, Brazil..
    it had gotten (still is) SO dangerous there everyone with a little money HAD to live in a gated community…
    Her family’s home on the beach was constantly vandalized and several times when she was younger she and her brother had been held up at gun point while at the beach house…
    constant car jackings etc.
    She moved to the US because she knew she wanted a family and didn’t want her children to grow up under such dangerous conditions…
    She has raised her children and she is VERY happy here!!

  123.  #123Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 9:41 am

    Indigo #115
    Thank you for these words…
    It feels good to remember… “relationship issues don’t magically disappear because he is with another woman”

    the way he was acting these last 2 months…He was/is living with her the whole time…
    Elin was NEVER the issue!!

    I’m still reeling from the shock!!!

    I have learned a valuable lesson
    to NEVER let a man continue dating me
    If I haven’t been to his house or met his family
    within a reasonable amount of time (one-two months)…

    All of these things that ARE all over the internet
    as RED FLAGS
    Mainly texting
    not met his family
    not been to his house
    disappearing off an on

  124.  #124Lovetodance on June 7, 2015 at 10:42 am

    I just need to jump in here and give you a big warm hug
    And I can’t help but wonder which of the stories are the true ones
    I just keep feeling that this a person soooo frightened of intimacy that he kept you at arms length over and over
    As you got more real his fear took over
    Seeing pictures in Facebook does not tell you what’s really happening right?
    Who knows what he has manufactured in order to protect(?) his ego
    What I feel strongly is how much you have grown. How much more able you are to handle intimacy
    I hope with all my heart that you do not let his shenanigans and emotional impotency affect how you love yourself and how you are able to love
    You dear azure are a most amazing woman!

  125.  #125Dixie on June 7, 2015 at 11:37 am

    Indigo & Azure:

    First, Indigo, I can feel your light glowing even here. I know this is a big, brave step, but I can’t even find words to express my excitement for you! I am happy when I hear that you are truly moving in the direction of your dreams. I know in my bones that things that are meant to be always feel “right”, and this feels right.

    Like some of the friends here, I too felt very protective of you when D. didn’t appear to move forward with you. In many ways, your situation has mirrored my own and I am so grateful to you for sharing your journey…

    Azure! My heart reaches out to you because I KNOW this awful feeling as well. Ugh. Yuck! I remember it felt like my stomach literally just dropped out of me and I couldn’t even string a sentence together. Shock, hurt, anger! But dear Azure, and I speak to you now as if I am speaking to myself when I went through this: you are still the amazing, feminine, graceful, funny and loving woman you were even before you met this man. This man was a messenger ONLY. Stay open, stay vulnerable, let the feelings flow, but at the same time, recognize that your feelings about the situation are not the same as your feelings about yourself. Yes, you are trusting, but what is wrong with that? What is wrong with wanting to believe the best about people? I know this for sure Azure: one, you are a giant step closer to the man who adores you and your sweet heart, and two, Spirit, and trust me on this, definitely recognized your worth. He just wasn’t the masculine man you deserve. When we behave authentically, we give people around us the power to be authentic too. You WERE authentic, and open, and real, and you deserve someone who can be the same.

    Much love to both of you! Xo

  126.  #126Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    That last topic, “Living from a place of love, no matter what’s going on in your life” – that one interests me the most!

  127.  #127Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 12:08 pm

    The people that I admire most, both men and women, that’s what I see them doing that I’d like to be able to experience – living from a place of love, no matter what.

    I know that there *is* love, no matter what. But it can be so easy to retreat to a place of fear when the love in your life seems threatened in some way…

  128.  #128Violette on June 7, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    I reached out to M last Friday and invited him to my housewarming. A day before. He didn’t confirm until the afternoon of, and he’d promised to let me know the night before. He added that he had a sick friend, friends who may be coming in from out of town.

    The excuses, and the not doing what he said made me feel sick. But I don’t want to give in to such strong reactions that have to be based in past suffering. He didn’t commit a crime.

    The party was awesome!! And he stayed late and kissed and held me. I had the opportunity to tell him I’d changed my mind about being unavailable for dating, he said he was happy to hear that. And I told him I had wanted to just be friends but don’t want to be just friends anymore. It was fun and felt great. I was relieved to get that off my chest.

    He said he’d call the next day. I got a text after 10pm saying he was home and did I want to come to his neighborhood to get a nightcap.

    Again, so sick to my stomache.

    I replied today that I felt sad to not connect and happy to see his name on my phone, and he replied with all the things he was up to today and that we should “hang again soon.”

  129.  #129Violette on June 7, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    It’s the depth of the disappointment that concerns me. He’s not the man of my dreams. I want to date him because I enjoy his company, not because I see us together forever, in terms of life paths.

    And like I said before I don’t find him physically attractive and don’t really like his smell. It went away when we were together last but…I mean I really like him. That stuff fell away but this isn’t the last man on earth is my point.

    It feels crummy to be so hard on another person, because they aren’t playing by my rules. And it’s a double edged sword, because I resist so hard hating on myself in that.

    What if, no one is doing anything wrong? What if he’s a perfectly good person who comes from his own point of view? What if I can practice being as authentic as I can with him when the opportunities arise, and trust my own boundaries, without caging myself inside of them?

    What if nothing comes of this at all and the experience is already complete? Does that make him a monster? Does that make me a loser who can only be treated badly by men? Of course not!

    This is the part where I usually get really sad and devastated and hate the man. Because…he wants to “hang out” and he’s flaky, and maybe doesn’t know or want to know how to date properly. Or maybe he really doesn’t value me enough to date me properly. But it feels horrible to have allthes

  130.  #130Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    Ladies, I am trying something new on for size. It’s basically the whole point of the blog. But it’s taken me a long time to get to this point. And I had a real “breaking moment” at the end of last week that I think led to a shift.

    And I kept observing my fearful responses. And I felt justified about all of my feelings. “Well, of COURSE I felt that way. My friend totally betrayed me.” Or, “Definitely he was wrong. He’s a stupid guy, after all.” And a lot of people think these things. Sometimes it’s even socially acceptable and supported. But it’s never FELT good to me.

    But mainly I just realized how immensely insecure I was being. But I was holding all my feelings as if they came from a place of strength – when instead they were coming from a place of fear and lack and “not enough.” They were me, trying to fill the gaps with people, stuff, and “things” if things were the nice things people said to me, or really any response at all to validate my existence.

    To some extent, that might always be there. But it doesn’t have to RUN the life the way it’s been doing.

    I know, I know. All this stuff is blindingly obvious. Well, to me it is. I’ve “known” it for decades. But I’ve been avoiding it. Because I was truly avoiding the FEELING of insecurity.

    Well, I think I may finally be unwinding it. I can’t describe exactly how. But first, I let myself sink deep into the “insecure” feeling. Then I found a way to comfort the “insecure” part of myself with the part of myself that is secure, that’s always been secure and “adult,” even when I was very small. I had them do sort of a role reversal. Instead of the “insecure” part taking care of the rest of me, I let my secure, self confident side look over that insecure little infant self being, and voila!

    I feel different.

    I still “lean forward” at times. I still think about guys. I still worry about my next steps and whether I’m making the right choices and decisions.

    But I feel a LOT more confident. I even had a conversation with my mom that started out badly, but then I was able to turn it around to something positive.

    It’s not perfect, but I’m trusting things, people, & myself a lot more. I’m feeling less “abandoned.”

    It’s a long road ahead, I’m sure. I’m not exactly “there” yet. But it’s an interesting new place to be. I don’t think I have been here before…

    I think what I’ve been doing is trotting out my insecurities as “vulnerability.” When that’s not really what it was. I was looking toward someone else to “take care” of me. But, ironically, by not truly being vulnerable, by hiding behind the insecurity (even without knowing I was doing it), I actually prevented anyone from taking care of me at all…

  131.  #131Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    Violette – what happened? What was so disappinting? Can you name it? It sounds like he came through and stayed late at your party. Isn’t that a good thing?

  132.  #132Violette on June 7, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Ugh, now he’s telling me he will be in my neighborhood later watching his sister’s kids and would I like to come over? Well sure, I actually have some time tonight, and the location works, and I think it’s sweet that he wants me to see him at her house.

    Of course this completely goes against my rules, of 2 day notice and all that.

    Except that my schedule is so tight with work that the fact I actually have free time is amazing.

    The rules though, they are about not wanting to let a man treat me badly. Is he treating me badly?

    Going to his house for a night cap feels bad. But this doesn’t necessarily.

    I’ve been so good at doing things the right way. Of dating only men who understand how to take me out to dinner and open my doors. And that’s wonderful and chances are the man I end up marrying will do those things.

    This is all in line with Labbit’s anxiety conversation. The anxiety! Wanting to get it right! To have the upper hand! To not get played! To not get hurt!

    What about simply practicing letting someone know me, and if they can’t, and if I can’t know them, then not continuing.

    The truth is I like him and I want to go. I don’t think that makes me a floozy.

    I feel like I can’t stop writing. I will leave it at that.

  133.  #133Violette on June 7, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    Tereana, I was disappointed that he didn’t ask me out when he said he would.

    I was disappointed that he didn’t confirm the party when he said he would, since it was a small dinner party.

    These are difficult points for me. Almost part of why I had the party was to confront the parts of me that keep me from surrounding myself with people, when people say they’ll come and they don’t, or they show up last minute with 3 friends and I have no more food or space.

    Big deal in the grande skeme because I love having a party!

  134.  #134Violette on June 7, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    The grande scheme.

  135.  #135Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 12:50 pm

    Dixie #125
    Thank you lovely sweet Siren…
    Your words of encouragement give me much courage
    to stay my trusting, vulnerable self…
    You are so right…Spirit was a messenger…
    I can see (Yes, I am POF again)
    that I am much clearer about what I do want…
    deleting men whom, my instincts say, are NOT for me…
    and responding happily and clearly to those I find a good match…

    And feeling the warm, gentle flow of love as it washes over all of ME
    from my supportive family, friends, AND all
    the Amazing loving Sirens

  136.  #136Violette on June 7, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    Actually what you were just writing about Tereana, feels like part of what I’m trying to say. It feels awful when the “dark side” is running the show. As precious as that side of me is because I need it to be whole, I don’t want to feel myself “protecting” myself with it anymore. It feels like it’s keeping me disconnect from others. Not what I want!

  137.  #137Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 12:51 pm

    So I had one more thought to share. And it kind of goes with the security feeling issue: Time.

    What does it mean to “give someone time”?

    I think for me, it’s felt a lot like I’m giving them “my” time, or that if they “take their time” giving me a response, for example, it amounts to them “taking” my time as well. When in fact, this is not really true. If they take THEIR time, I still have MY time.

    It’s a boundary issue. And a security/fear issue as well. If I fear that they are taking my time “away,” it’s because I don’t actualize the difference between them and me. I assume that our experiences of time are the same and that maybe the actual time is the same. And neither are true.

    This is where self confidence comes in. We can give a man freedom to take all the “time” he needs, only when we feel certain and secure that HIS time is not going to rob us of anything in our lives.

    This is a very powerful place to be.

    It’s something I understand intrinsically, but I haven’t been able to really be in that place, because of insecurity. Maybe with this new security cloak, I can do things differently, and really plant my feet I that awesome place

  138.  #138Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 12:55 pm

    Hi Violette – ok, I see.

    I agree – it sounds like insecurity might be running the show, as it has been for me. Maybe addressing these deeper issues will help you relax and find solutions or answers that feel better to you 🙂

  139.  #139Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 3:43 pm

    So one thing I’m doing is, if I don’t hear back from a man, I’m not making up a story about how that reflects on my self worth. I’m imagining that he’s busy, or his phone died, or there’s no reception. Or maybe he just didn’t feel like answering and that’s ok. It STILL doesn’t reflect my value as a person.


    This is pretty huge. I’m pretty sure I’ve been making up stories like this for a very long time – ever since my mom told me it was “my fault” my flakey friend didn’t call me back when I was 16. I’ve since decoupled myself from that friend, and, I hope, from these toxic stories. It has nothing to do with me. And that is so freeing…

    I can get on with my life 🙂

  140.  #140Tereana on June 7, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    I am inviting in a new concept of “men” as well.

    Up until now, I think I’ve absorbed my mother’s “teaching” that men are stupid, bumbling idiots who depend on women for everything and they they are both untrustworthy and threatening. Even my father wouldn’t necessarily argue with these ideas, which is pribably why they stayed married for 30 years…

    My new concept of “men” includes them as caretakers and nurturers. It is as masters of connection and communication. I’m thinking of them as “pleasure pods,” designed to please the woman of their dreams, who is very often the woman right in front of them, who could be you or me or any woman who is centered in herself and being who she is. Pleasure Pods and Commitment Machines.

    I no longer have to worry about my capacity for commitment, or theirs, because it’s already in place, just waiting for the right moment to feel safe, to be released. They are just dying, yearning to commit. They want that. They need that. They thrive on it. It gives them energy and “juice” for life.

    That juice comes from US. We inspire them to do that. Through nothing more or less magical than by simply being.

    What wonderful, relaxing thoughts…I love thinking of men this way. I truly look at them differently : )

  141.  #141Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    Tereana #140
    THIS is Sensational…
    THANK YOU for sharing… i am pasting and coping it!!!
    “men as caretakers and nurturers.
    They are masters of connection and communication.
    I’m thinking of them as “pleasure pods,” designed to please the woman of their dreams, who is very often the woman right in front of them,”

    Ahhh… this is sooo beautiful…
    I choose to know this also!!

  142.  #142Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    Teraean #137
    Wow!!! this one about time is SOOO freeing and
    Of course…
    I choose to not let the man take/waste MY time…
    He HAS *His* time…
    *I* have mine!!!
    Such deep Sirenesque concepts…
    It feels sooo good…

  143.  #143Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Tereana #130
    the SHIFT is very evident in what you are writing!!!
    You are inspiring me…
    the Self love for YOU is overflowing!!!

  144.  #144Beloved on June 7, 2015 at 5:55 pm

    Tereana – YES YES YES! Ha, “Pleasure pods”, I like it 🙂
    It feels utterly liberating to stop demonizing, infantilizing and otherwise judging men.

    Today I had a short peer-counseling session with a HOT guy from Canada via webcam (day-long intensive class).
    I told him I had felt a craving for men to just look at me appreciatively and like they really like me, and would he just LOOK at me while I quietly received for 10 minutes.
    He agreed…and after a few minutes I was BAWLING. I swear the stuff he was saying was like the “Ryan Gosling Feminist” meme stuff, it was so exactly what I needed to hear. I asked him if he meant what he was saying and he said he did (I have been on the other end of this, where I said loving, kind things that were utterly true for me and the receiver felt challenged to trust it was real).
    I felt the deep, deep craving for CLOSENESS with a man that has been rising more and more to the surface recently.
    I laughed and graciously received it and cried some more, feeling into my heart’s yearning.
    Then we took a break and I went outside to get some turkey off the smoker that the guys out back had done. I was feeling totally happy and saucy, then one of the guys (I hadn’t met) first insisted that I sit with them for a minute.
    THEN, one of the guys who I *do* know, said, “I’m going to just stare at you for a while.”
    I said, “Please do!” and flashed him am minxy grin.
    Then HE laughed it off because I guess he was expecting me to brush it off but IT FELT SO GOOD to have that ‘looking-at-me’ thing happen like that!
    Remember how just a few days ago I was all “I’m willing to be seen”?!! 😀

    KK gonna go for a walk and take good care of myself.

    Much love to y’all!!!

  145.  #145Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Lovetodance #124
    I was wondering how you are
    so good to hear you here on the Island

    Ahhhh… my heart is happy to hear your words
    to me…
    they give me much support and comfort…

    Yes, you are sooo right… the stories
    DONT matter… (although speculating about what REALLY was going on, right now, seems important to the letting go process)

    the part that does matter is that this will pass
    much faster than it has in the past
    because the love I have for *ME*
    is the love that truly matters!!!
    and I have been learning to LOVE
    ALLLLL of me…
    How to sooth and give ME
    warm, loving, kindness and respect…
    AND the time it may take
    to recover from the shock…

    AND then, shake it OFF!!! and let it GO
    in LOVE…
    “At the end of the day, Spirit,
    I do wish you the best…
    Thank you for all that I have learned
    while spending the time *I* chose
    to spend with you…”

    I Loved what Beloved wrote a few threads ago…
    Being angry at someone, is like
    taking poison
    and expecting the other person to die!!!

  146.  #146Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    Indigo #114
    Darling princess
    I love your dream

  147.  #147Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    Zara #103
    THANK YOU!!! this is powerful
    and truly how this all is!!

    “Or I don’t feel satisfied within our relationship
    and I can trust my feeling of lack
    and move away from the relationship,
    no matter the best qualities of the man
    they are irrelevant to my happiness
    when unhappiness is what I feel.”

  148.  #148Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Zara… continued
    “You trusted your feelings and chose to stop the relationship with this man. ”
    “Universe has got a plan to fill in that space
    Keep trusting, dear, keep trusting.

    I can’t wait to feel that luscious Shivering!!!

  149.  #149Linda on June 7, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    I love the processing here tonight.

    I had such a great week end. I practiced keeping my heart open. I just had my heart open to where the day led me. My 5 year old grandson is the best medicine for my soul ever!

    I attended a get together at my daughters. I saw old friends I had not seen in years. Today I even ran into family members of my ex husband. They have always been kind and welcoming to me even 9 years later. It was nice to see and hug them. My ex-mother in law has always been so sweet to me.

    Having my heart open/ relaxed…I felt more patient about everything. I did not even care that I got stopped by a train two times today. Got my nails and toes done. I had to wait quite a while but I didn’t care I Took a little nap in the massage chair. Shopped a bit…

    I am going to dress differently tomorrow. I feel creative. (I have to wear a uniform top.) I am gonna jazz it up. Wear a skirt something. That makes me feel more willing to start a new week.

    I would like to try this at work tomorrow see how it goes. See if it makes a difference.

    Amazing what a difference this made for me. I have been frustrated and pushing myself too much.

    I feel curious what this will invite into my life? 🙂

  150.  #150Linda on June 7, 2015 at 6:50 pm

    Indigo… I dont know where you live now or where you want to go … but I feel so excited for you… I dont know how you will even be able to wait a year to go!!

    For me… I have some dreams I have shelved. Time for me to dust them off and make them happen for me. You know what? NONE of them involve a man.. they are allll me!

  151.  #151Linda on June 7, 2015 at 7:22 pm

    Azure I love what you wrote. “Spending the time “I” chose to spend with you. oh yeah. !!

    Everything is so different when we embrace our own worth!

  152.  #152Azure Blu on June 7, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    Alll Yummie…
    mani/pedi, napping in a message chair…

    Skirt on Monday!!
    AND dusting Off shelved dreams…
    Sounds exhilarating!!!
    everything *IS* Sooo wonderful
    when we embrace our own self worth

  153.  #153Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 10:19 pm


    Thank you so much! Your words mean so much to me. It feels good to know I have supportive friends on this blog who are protective of me.

  154.  #154Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    Linda 150,

    I feel really excited myself! I had a talk with a dear friend last night about it, and he was SO supportive and encouraging. I now don’t have a doubt in my mind. And the only reason I’m able to wait a year or two is because I know it’s the right thing to do with work. I know the time will fly by, and who knows it may come sooner than that.

    I hope you do dust off some of your dreams – it will be the best thing you ever do!

  155.  #155Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    Violette 128,

    I got the jibblies when I was reading about this guy. Sorry. This kind of flaky behaviour feels sooooo icky to me.

  156.  #156Indigo on June 7, 2015 at 10:42 pm


    I love what you’ve been writing here.

    I find myself in a very powerful place, having finally found that I can break free and cut loose from a relationship that is not meeting my needs, with no regrets, no what if’s and no hooks still in the man, and having dreamt of my future husband the other night. I imagine he is yearning to find me, and wants me so much, and I am ready to go out and let him claim me.

  157.  #157laura s on June 7, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    dear azure….

    you sound very strong….i have this imagining that all the ups and downs with spirit just created more strength and resilence within you…you never let it crush you….

    affect yes…put you through big changes yes…challenge and put you up against what it was you have wanted to transform…

    i feel you have done a splendid job and will continue as you process all the emotions, consider all the possibilities and at the end of the day

    ‘the part that does matter is that this will pass
    much faster than it has in the past
    because the love I have for *ME*
    is the love that truly matters!!!
    and I have been learning to LOVE
    ALLLLL of me…
    How to sooth and give ME
    warm, loving, kindness and respect…’

    so inspiring and reminding to me…of what is really important….the accepting and value-ing of me no matter what! thankyou lovely siren!

  158.  #158laura s on June 7, 2015 at 11:20 pm

    hello sirens……riffing here…..

    i have been reading along ….feeling all the changes , challenges, insights and revelations that take place here on the island…

    as always so very impressed with the degree of self awareness that mostly pervades….even in the darkest of times….when one may feel blind to oneself…the process of sharing, expressing, sifting, weighing, riffing …..seems to bear fruit….apt as we in the northern hemisphere drift into summer …and all the lovely fruits offering their sweet splendor….

    ahhh i have felt very inward even so….even as the sun begins to shine so fully….i have needed to go deep within to see where i let myself shine, where i cover up and stay comfortably not shining…

    i am pulled to go forward….to take chances in many ways….and yet the opposite dynamic is in effect at the same time…to not go forward…to stay in the known….can i push myself can i pull myself forward in a way that is not stressful…?

    because i am re committing to keep my life as stress free as possible…i know what it is to be filled with worry and anxiety….i know how damaging it has been…so i need to build ways that i can grow…grow in healthy ways that aren’t built around fear….fear of failure fear of success fear of dis-appointing myself or draining myself or giving from an empty tank….

    i let go of a part time job that taxes me….i want to explore what i have been trained to do yet have put on the back burner because of fear….i want/ need to take some baby steps again in approaching this work and letting myself have this in my life…. the reward of helping, the prosperity that comes from self esteem of achieving something that is of service to others…

    ahhh alot of changes….changes that need action….things that are better not talked about alot but actually taken action on….

    A relationship with a man has not been as important to me recently…what has been important is the relationship to myself…taking care of me….really deep soul satisfying care…

  159.  #159Victoria on June 8, 2015 at 1:41 am

    @ Azure 123
    What do you mean he was living with her the whole time?
    Do you mean he was living with another woman but he lied to you that he was living with his daughter?
    That would be such a tremendous shock to me?

  160.  #160Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 3:56 am

    Victoria #157…
    LOL… me too…
    I’m just speculating… But it could be true!!!
    it is so weird
    the part that is so devastating is that he kept ME such a secret from family… I guess I did meet most of his friends… but NOT the ballroom dancing crowd and that’s what she’s involved in

    NEVER going to his house but he wanted to know MY family….
    He did meet my family this last month…

    and all of a sudden he has him and her on his main picture on facebook for family and friends to see…
    taken 3 days after I broke up with him…
    obviously she is NOT a secret… So hurtful for me
    I’m stunned…
    reeling- keeping me a secret for almost a year!
    obviously from the dates on other photos he has dated her in 2013
    I dont’ think he ever had me on his facebook…
    he did take lots of pictures of us together…

    All that time I really did believe him
    it being about his daughter
    and not wanting to cause anything to set her off…

    I guess the part that is VERY sad is that
    i really was hoping Spirit and i could make this work

    It all got so confusing in the end…
    It felt like crumbs,,, too much work…
    I felt malnurished and dehydrated… ugh!!

    I did text him when i saw his facebook on Sat.
    “Spirit I feel soo devastated
    Why couldn’t you tell me when I asked you that Sat.
    something like…”Sorry Azure, I really don’t want that kind of relationship” Or “I want to see you every day and every night!!”
    But being ignored Feels awful…”
    I said more
    “the reasons you gave me about why I hadn’t been to your house feel like a total lie.” and other stuff…
    NOT sireny at all… i don’t care… I needed him to hear it!
    Of course… he hasn’t responded…

    I guess this was his intimacy wall… ???

    Maybe a week isn’t long to wait for someone to respond to a question about how much time together feels right to him…
    but it was all rolled into NOT having gone to his house… too much time spent at the bars Because he wouldn’t invite me over… so really no alone time
    I had forgotten about that…
    him drinking way too much… i really wasn’t liking him much anymore… 2 weeks on and and 2 weeks off…

    I guess I need to vent… you all have heard it before…
    thank you for this safe place to churn it out…
    I’m not feeling very strong or sireny…
    pain in my heart and my stomach…
    One of my big triggers is feeling tricked…
    I feel tricked…
    even though I was dating others most of the time…
    the reason he kept seeing me is because NO ONE ELSE would have put up with that
    but because it is familiar to me…
    My mother could manipulate any situation by leaving BIG chunks of information out…
    Or ignoring me when I would ask a point blank question… (she still does)
    OR out and out lie about stuff
    This must be what is coming up from all of this…
    i feel tricked…
    At least I didn’t let it go on any longer…
    I am still NOT diligent at asking the important questions!!!
    AND Everyday I am getting better at that!!!

    Ugghhh… this feels so awful… I’m very surprised he would do this …not answer me when I asked can you help me understand what is going on?
    move on without saying anything… I thought he had such a kind heart…
    He really never offered safety…
    that is what I want in my Mr. Right
    a strong sense of safety…

    So I MUST give SAFETY to myself
    in order to recognize and expect it
    from someone else
    right now i have been getting better at this but
    then i’ll slink back into direspecting me
    and leaving me anxious and in pain
    because of things I refuse to take care of…

    I want to get better and better at giving ME

  161.  #161Victoria on June 8, 2015 at 4:26 am

    I am fully with you!
    Reading your story triggers old memories of when I felt tricked. When this happened, I was both angry with the man, but also even angrier with myself for not listening to my intuition. There have been times when I was struggling to fit a square peg in a round whole, and these are the times I need to work on to accept them for what they have been – a life lesson, and not be angry with myself, but love myself very hard for the innocence and inexpereince I had.
    I had a relationship many years ago which was so much work… at a certain point in time I had a conversation with G*d (I do have those even though I am largely atheistic – but that I another story) and I say “”G*d, I give up, if this is not meant to be, it is not meant to be, I will just let it dissolve”. But then, a month down the line, I could not watch the dissolution any more, I felt like this is just soo sad to see our beautiful past going down the drain and I thought, strangely enough, that I shall still try to salvage things, like the relatives of deadly sick patient who refuse to turn off the equipment that keeps him alive. Anyhow, this is just to say that I have been there.
    But there is something esle I want to tell you. My gut feeling for your situation is that Spirit, for whatever strange reason wants to punish you.
    Putting that picture on his profile is FOR YOU to see, not for anybody else. .
    Also, him not responding to you is a form of punishment. The silent treatment in its worst form.
    All in all dearest, I think he still has feelings for you, but he is a hostage of his own character and confusion.
    With this, I wish you the best of luck with meeting new men!

  162.  #162Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 5:07 am

    Wow… you too… feeling tricked…Yes… giving up control and giving it
    up to g*d!!! Like a 12 step program

    Funny that you should say that he seems like this facebook thing was for me to see!!
    I was wondering that also…
    I think he really NEVER forgave me for continuing to CD for 4 months while he made many adjustments and changes with his religious beliefs and politics…

    Too bad he has such a bad temper (passive) cause that is what this just might be!!! a temper tantrum
    He might be VERY angry that the Rori tools are too powerful… :-))

    Well, i feel punished… i’m sure he got that from my texts…

    and I’m messaging 8 men already!!! Yay…
    I’ll be talking to one on Wed night…
    I’m trying to stay curious… NOT with an agenda…
    Open heart – like Tereana so eloquently wrote
    “Pleasure Pods and Commitment Machines.”
    ~masters of communication~
    This is my new practice with a man who i feel Safety with… who is easy to be with…
    Out of my comfort zone of anxious and agitated..

  163.  #163Starla on June 8, 2015 at 6:10 am

    Millie and fw,
    I did contact two men after they went dead silent on me for months. Both were hard to get back in touch with, and while both wanted me back, it would have been so much better to have never contacted them. I guess it was my journey at the time. My vote is you let this one go, but we both know if it’s eating at you, then it wont stop till you talk to him.

  164.  #164Starla on June 8, 2015 at 6:12 am

    But that path led me to a beautiful relationship. It’s been a crazy ride to get here and now that i am i cant help but feel like the roller coaster i permitted with these past men left me really wounded. We have to work on it as a couple every single day and it sucks sometimes.

  165.  #165Femininewoman on June 8, 2015 at 6:43 am


    Thanks for responding Starla

  166.  #166Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 7:44 am

    Thank you for sharing…
    A word to the wise!!

    same with me… when i was in my 20’s
    I begged a man to get back together – worst mistake
    I ever made… i have paid for it for the rest of my life…and so has so many others… ugghh!!

    I keep thinking this in my head.
    Spirit is the BEST thing that NEVER happened…
    Stay away, AZURE, stay far, far away!!!
    It was alll imaginary, less than crumbs!!

    I Allow myself… give myself permission
    to attract the man I visualize every day!!
    loving, adoring, smart, kind, excited about
    doing a relationship… leader, masculine

  167.  #167Indigo on June 8, 2015 at 7:58 am

    Azure Blu,

    Speaking of giving yourself permission to attract the man you visualise every day, with the dream I had the other night it made me realise that the man I should be visualising is SO much better than anything I’ve been allowing or accepting so far.

    Talk about pleasure pods, and commitment machines and master communicators… A masculine man who is rugged and strong in his masculinity yet has a heart of butter when it comes to the woman he loves. He will pursue her and make her his, and won’t stop till she is his treasured, beloved wife.

    Wow, it feels SO good imagining this and letting this visual come close.

  168.  #168Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 8:07 am

    (((Azure)))) How painful to see that and how ANGRY you must have felt!! They may seem happy but keep in mind the other woman was being lied to as well. That’s not a recipe for long term happiness.

  169.  #169Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 9:02 am

    I feel so embarrassed about how things have gone down with S the past couple of days. After I helped him with his foot and doctors appointments I told him not to hesitate to call me if he needed more help. So he called the next day and asked me to come over again.

    He asked me to stop and grab him lunch at Wendy’s and I did, assuming he would pay me back as usual. He had me help him with stuff for his business and he paypalled me the money for that. We watched a couple movies together, he had me make him a sandwich (later in the day) and I offered to run to the doctors office and pick up a note he needed for work.

    Everything was fine up until I was getting ready to leave. He didn’t hug me goodbye like he did the day before and instead made some jokes about how we can’t play anymore because I will feel like I have lost my “dignity”. I had told him the day before that it hurt to have sex and not hear from him for days, and basically had turned him down. So I know why he was being like that, but for some reason it made ME feel rejected. I am very, very sensitive about a man not wanting sex with me- due to my ex husband. It’s very likely S DID want to and that’s why he brought it up. He jokes about things he is uncomfortable with.

    Anyway, I left and I wasn’t feeling good and felt hurt that he hadn’t hugged me. It was right before my period and when I tend to have meltdowns. He also had not paid me for the Wendy’s, though he asked when I brought it how much it cost and I said oh probably like $5 for yours (I had bought myself stuff too). Not a huge deal, but I had assumed he would pay me back and my funds right now are extremely low.

    So I voice texted him on my way home that I felt “used and abandoned”. It went downhill to rejected and unappreciated and he called me on the phone sounding really confused. It blew up into a big argument. I said if you don’t even like me enough to give me a hug or sleep with me, then why didn’t you call someone else?

    He was like you expected hugs and sex? Of course I said no, but I am sure on some level I did expect affection. Anyhow, it just blew up from there. He said I was just making things up to be mad about.

    Somewhere in there I got upset about his 11 day disappearance and how could he say he didn’t think we were supposed to be friends, but then call on me when he was hurt? I said I felt like I mean nothing to him and he told me “I’m sorry I can’t give you the feeling you want” but refused to clarify what he was talking about. I got upset about that and was like but you are okay calling me when you are in need because you know I love you.

    He said something about us not being in a relationship and I just lost it. He wouldn’t talk to me anymore but I kept texting him and sent him an email. I told him I love him, I can’t handle this. I need more with someone. I said lots of other stuff too.

    The next day I just got “I read your email” and “you said some nice things”. NOTHING more until the next day when I angrily texted him that it felt crappy to pour out my heart and just get that in return. I said it felt confusing not to get clarification on his comment about not being able to give me the feeling that I want.

    He said “what I mean was that I cant give you the feeling of love and affection and being the #1 woman in my life because I don’t see a long term relationship as a possibility between us”.

    I responded “then get the fuck out of my life”.

    He said he was sorry but he didn’t want to start his day out with negativity from me. I ignored it and had no intention of contacting him again.

    UNTIL, that night I go on the swinger site and look at a party and see he has signed up and noted that he is coming AS A COUPLE with another woman. I positively FLIPPED OUT. I called him and was like how could you do this to me??? He said you are hysterical I will talk to you when you are calm and hung up.

    I couldn’t let it go and kept calling until he answered again. He said that he was only doing that because it was his only way into the party (some parties single males aren’t allowed in without a partner). He said they are not a couple. He was like this has nothing to do with you, I was just going to a party, doing what I was going to do it is not to hurt you. I felt somewhat better, but not that much better.

    I stewed on it for a bit and just started feeling worse. I sent him a lot of overemotional texts then I blocked him from everything. I blocked him from my phone, the swinger site (though unfortunately I can still see him on there), facebook.

    I ended up unblocking him though, from my phone. I called him the next day. I am sure I was totally driving him crazy but I was SO UPSET!! He said he did care for me very much and that he had probably let things get too far with me.

    I was like where were these other women when you needed someone to take care of you? Why didn’t you call them? Why would you call ME for that then turn around and go out with someone else??

    I finally ended up saying some things like I am just too attached to you. I can’t do this. I cannot be anything less than #1. I can do open, I can do unorthodox, but I cannot be #2. I want more. I am not a #2 rate woman.

    Anyway, it was awful. I feel awful. I cried so much. I was a distraught, horrible, awful, out of control MESS. It did not end well. I just COULDN’T STOP emoting.

    I guess now I will try and put this to the test. If he meant what he said then it should be over. If he didn’t, then I guess I will hear from him again- doesn’t Pat Allen say within 8 weeks? If nothing else, he knows where I stand and that I cannot handle this anymore.

    He is still blocked on Facebook and the swinger site.

  170.  #170Millie on June 8, 2015 at 9:36 am

    Starla thank you for sharing!! I did end up texting him, just saying hi how are you. I decided against calling and leaving a huge feeling message because I didn’t want to dump all my emotional baggage on him and if he didn’t respond to my messages during the ending of the relationship. Why would he now?? Actually since I posted that I wanted to reach out I did some serious thinking about it. The big question I had was if our feelings for each other were bigger than this bump in the road. So I opened the door with something simple and low pressure. Nothing about the past. He hasn’t answered and I don’t think he will. At this point, I think whatever bump there was… Was much bigger than our feelings for each other. And I also started feeling like… Why do I feel the need to apologize to him? He didn’t respond well to when I apologized for my actions before, in fact it made him withdraw. So yeah. And I also am tired of feeling responsible for his choices. It’s exhausting. I have men contact me and I choose to respond and be honest with them even when I’m not interested. Ignoring someone is the worst, especially when they did nothing to deserve it. I am a fed up. Fed up with how I’ve been feeling about this. Regardless of what happened, he is choosing not to talk. So that’s it. He is SO the wrong guy. I don’t care how great things WERE or how much I think I loved him. Love isn’t enough and I’m just over blaming myself. I’m just done thinking about this. I would NEVER beg him for anything. I don’t even feel like reaching out again.

    Onwards and upwards. I think sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to do what we need to do even when it sounds wrong. Once I gave myself dull permission to reach out, I began to feel like all the things I wanted to say weren’t really necessary. I just wanted to see where he was at. Well gone is where he is at. And I think it’s a pretty dumb move. He’s throwing happiness away with both hands, At least I think so although clearly he doesn’t. Whatever, at the end of it all I feel I can away knowing fully he’s the wrong guy.

  171.  #171Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 9:42 am

    I’m soooo sorry about your fight with S…
    He does hang in there when you all are discussing!!!
    I give him much credit for that…

    I know this doesn’t feel good at all…
    I am very proud of you for asking some good questions about the relationship… what YOU want
    and what he wants…
    Had you told him you love him before?

  172.  #172Femininewoman on June 8, 2015 at 9:44 am

    ” I think sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to do what we need to do even when it sounds wrong. Once I gave myself dull permission to reach out, I began to feel like all the things I wanted to say weren’t really necessary.”

    Millie this is so true. All you need is to make the mental shift. Once that takes place it is easier, no matter what the situation. Just, in your mind, give yourself the permission and see what happens.

    Congratulations my dear.

  173.  #173Femininewoman on June 8, 2015 at 9:45 am

    Oh Indigo that sounds so lovely.

  174.  #174Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 10:23 am

    Indigo #165
    Princess Siren…
    I love that dream you had of your
    Mr. Right…
    Sooo powerful

  175.  #175Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Azure 169-

    Yes he does. He’s dealt with a fair amount of emotional outbursts from me, sadly, and he always hangs in there. He’s like a dream man in so many ways but I cant handle not having what I really want emotionally, I guess. 🙁 I screwed up so badly in so many ways and he did tell me to stop texting him a few times but I didn’t. I finally stopped and I dont want to bother him again. I feel all torn up though inside. No, I had never told him I loved him and wasnt going to unless he said it to me. So much for that. I feel like such a failure. I acted aggressively and just hysterical, like he said. :/

  176.  #176victoria on June 8, 2015 at 10:38 am

    Oh Lovergirl
    I am so sorry.
    What are you going to do now?

  177.  #177Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Victoria- I guess nothing. I am going to try not to do anything at all and see if he does anything. I dont want to get my hopes up at all. I will try to get back out there and live my life. Though spending the summer away from S, this beautiful weather, sounds like an absolute nightmare. 🙁

  178.  #178Rori Raye on June 8, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Laura – Hi – for your privacy, I’ve taken out your last name and changed your name to laura s – and thank you for the gorgeous comments…Love, Rori

  179.  #179laura s on June 8, 2015 at 11:49 am

    thank you so much rori…
    big love to you…..

  180.  #180Indigo on June 8, 2015 at 12:08 pm


    I may be way out of line here and over into the advice-giving mode, but S doesn’t want to be with you. He doesn’t want you as the number one woman in his life. In his mind he has told you this, and he has told you the reason why, and to a guy it is as simply as that. You on the other hand have come to the realisation (and a very good realisation I might add) that you need and want to be the number one woman. I am sure you can see how these two contrasting viewpoints simply have no common ground and no room for compromise. You are at an impasse. The time needs to come when you believe S when he says he doesn’t want a relationship with you – but more importantly, when you start standing up for what YOU want, for what you have established that you want and need, what is important to you. When you say hey, I deserve to have that.

    I’m not sure if your father was absent a lot in your childhood, as mine was, but it is very common for someone who had this to look for love from people who are not able to give it in the way that you want.

    I’m sorry. I’m sending you lots of love and hugs.

  181.  #181Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 12:58 pm

    laura s
    I am blushing from your wonderful words of support and praise…
    still only been a couple of days sense I
    discovered this…
    There are times when I really did just want to
    give it up!!! I seem to be so handicapped
    when it comes to figuring out
    how to be in a good one. :-/

    Your words give me courage and strength to
    hang tight and Don’t let this overwhelm me
    thank you!

  182.  #182Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 1:04 pm


    Yes. He has told me that. He has also told me (and I still have the text screenshot from a couple weeks ago) that “you are probably the woman I should truly be with if I just let myself”. He has told me he didn’t want a baby and life with me, but then, after the first miscarriage he told me how he’d been secretly planning to get a house near me and how “the best thing about it all was knowing that I would get to be around you the rest of my life”. He said I was his dream woman, that I am more suited to him than any of his ex girlfriends, but then he will turn around and say things like this. Oh, and get me pregnant a SECOND time! He calls ME a “walking contradiction” as a joke, but like I pointed out to him in my recent email to him, so is he!

    If I take those words at face value, then I would have to believe that he doesn’t want to be with me. Yet, I just don’t really totally believe it! Not with the way he acts and how he is always wanting me there.

    That is why I say I need to put him to the test and see what he does. I need to just NOT let him be around me unless he offers a real relationship. I’m thinking I should try and completely stay out of contact and if he calls and offers me something real, okay, but if not then no. No “friends,” no sex, and no calling me to the rescue like I am your best friend when you are in need!

    He has, in the past, made claims about not having feelings for me, then turned right around and redacted them, saying he actually does. He will say I do, but I don’t think I should share them with you. It’s really just kind of maddening and I can’t take it anymore!

    The not being #1 statement did get me all fired up! My competitive nature just won’t let me settle for anything less than THAT title now. I’m #1 or I’m nothing at all!!

    As to my father being absent, yes. My mother left my father (in Hawaii) when I was a toddler and moved me to the mainland, where I never saw him again until I was 5 years old and he surprised us one day. He had a family then and they came with him. I didn’t see him again until I was 14 and in between that time I totally idealized him because I had 3 stepfathers, two of whom were very abusive. He would send me birthday cards, like months after my birthday, but he sort of kept in touch.

    On my 14th birthday, the last stepfather threatened to kill me with a gun (because I’d been trying to tell on him for molesting my 5 year old sister) and I ran away from home. When the police caught up with me, my stepfather manipulated and lied his way out of things by convincing the police I was making it all up. They did nothing for my sister but they sent me to live with my dad.

    I lived there for a year but it caused stress between my father and stepmother (who resented having an extra teenage child) and at one point, the father I so idealized, slapped me across the face and told me I wasn’t really his daughter anyway, since he hadn’t raised me. I was eventually sent off to live with my grandmother.

    In any case my father is dead now. I had tried to forgive him and invited him to my wedding, to walk me down the aisle, but he wouldn’t come. He didn’t like that I was marrying into a family of preachers and said I was being brainwashed.

    He died of cancer 6 years ago. 6 months after he died, I got a letter in the mail that was from him. My sister found it in his belongings and had sent it to me. In it he had written things about how he really did love me so much and had just never had a chance to show me. It was bittersweet.

    Anyway, if I go by my childhood, the examples I had, or the horrendous choices my mother has made in men then I have absolutely no hope of ever finding a decent relationship. I’d like to believe I can do it anyway, somehow.

  183.  #183BeLoved on June 8, 2015 at 1:31 pm

    Well…..I feel like I’m kicking a$$, taking names, and handling my life LIKE A BOSS lately.
    I feel like jumping up and down…whoop whoop!!!
    I am seeing more and more clearly how negative stories shape expectations and behavior.
    RoomieJ has decided that the reason things are happening the way they are is because TG never really wanted roommates, he only wanted the money, and she was really wanting me to believe that with her, too. (It doesn’t look that way to me, and I won’t get into my own story about it, haha.)

    I felt into it, and just saw way too much evidence of him enjoying my presence, and remembered how, when I first met him, he had really considered what kind of roommate he was looking for and thought it through.

    And…back to meeee!! Glorious me!
    I hadn’t been asked to interview for an internship position that I want. The story I made up about why my classmate got interviewed and I didn’t, was because I am older and have less experience and they probably want a man. I decided to just be my usual persistent self, and ask trusted advisors what they thought, and they told me just keep contacting the company. So I got a phone number of a different person, and he said, Oh, hey, I think you are one of the people I wanted to interview but I didn’t get your contact information, I’m in the middle of something so email it to me and I’ll get to it in a while.

    Doing the happy puppy dance 😀
    Also, I was just about to decide to drop the internship class since I didn’t seem to have one, and my instructor told me just stay enrolled, he will give me an incomplete which gives me a year to get all of my hours in. Yes, yes, thank you, yes!!

    And…just now, I sat and waited for 30 minutes to talk to an advisor about enrolling in a class that is full. While I was waiting, I was calling in availability to temp agencies, talking to the guy about the internship, making a list of other things to handle. The advisor told me she couldn’t help me and I had to talk to the dean and sent me on my way.
    As I was walking out, another advisor, a lovely Persian woman who I’ve talked to before and just had the best talks with, called me over, asked me what I was trying to do, and then gave me an add sheet to enroll in the class. She told me next time just sign in and wait by her door instead of waiting in the queue, she will take care of me.

    I feel just…beyond grateful. I feel affirmed.

    I feel SO grateful for having this wonderful place to riff when I was going through all of my stuff and for all of the support I’ve received and I feel totally overflowing with love and gratitude.
    Thank you thank you thank you!!
    yes yes yes!!
    yum yum yum!!

  184.  #184Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    The latest on Chicago-

    I saw him yesterday. I had started my period so told him I didn’t want to have sex. When I got there, I told him that I just wasn’t feeling the chemistry with him and especially in bed.

    He wanted to sit down and talk about it. He promised to do his best to change anything that was bothering me. He grilled me with uncomfortable questions like “am I unattractive to you?” and I tried to answer tactfully but honestly. He begged for a chance to do better and of course I feel guilty now. UGH.

    He was like “what is wrong with the chemistry? What am I doing wrong?” I said I don’t know I don’t think it is specifically anything you are doing wrong, I’m just not feeling it. I said I may still be too attached to someone else (meaning S of course) but he kind of blew that off. I brought up his comment of saying I am not “kinky” and he apologized profusely and said that wasn’t what he really meant.

    He said you have to be more vocal about what you want and I will do it. He wanted me to give him some specific formula to get me off in bed (there isn’t one, so I hate when men ask me questions like that). I tried to be honest and use feeling messages but it just ended up making me feel helpless and unable to cut things off with him, which is really more what I would like to do. He was begging for a second chance and trying to logic me out of all my feelings.

    He said he could tell I didn’t want to do the picnic. I said no I really don’t. He said he thought every woman wanted that kind of romance. I said I wasn’t really feeling it. It just went round and round.

    We finally went out to dinner and he was like just please, please give me another chance. Sigh….

  185.  #185Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    In other news-

    We were talking awhile back about how men always seem to return. This week I’ve had a guy I met once for a date who I never saw again, email me on Plenty of Fish. I told him I didn’t think you were interested and he said that was wrong and then tried to text me a few days later. I ignored it but its interesting to note.

    Another guy, that I haven’t seen since like last summer, but that texts me every few months wanting to see if I can do lunch, texted me. He asked if I am dating anyone and I said no. He was like “come on! As pretty as you are? When can I see you again?” I didn’t answer and he texted again “you know you are in my system forever lol :)”

    I think that’s really how it is. Once you sleep with a guy (especially if you sleep with him, but sometimes even if you don’t) you are in their “system” forever. They will forever think they have a chance and continue to call.

    I’ve had a couple of other guys email or text recently too, but they are ones I always ignore and don’t pay attention to how frequently it happens.

    Anyway, it makes me wonder about S. I am sure he is going to want to keep me in his “system” but like I said that isn’t enough. I have TOLD him how I feel like every guy I have ever broken things off with keeps calling forever and so he may try to deliberately avoid being like that, but I guess we will see.

  186.  #186Tereana on June 8, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    I’m listening to Tatia’s webinar, and it’s great! I can’t see the screen, but I love what she is saying 🙂

  187.  #187Tereana on June 8, 2015 at 5:44 pm

    Lovergirl…huh. That’s kind of cool that he wants another chance : ) Maybe it’s not something that you want. But still. He seems to be trying…That must feel pleasant, in a little way, at least : )

  188.  #188Beloved on June 8, 2015 at 5:57 pm

    For the past few days I’ve been doing this mirror exercise I found on Louise Hay’s FB page, and it is FUN! It makes my heart leap and feel joyful 🙂
    Yes, little grimaces and things also arise, and still, every time I do it, I feel more excited about life.

    “While looking at yourself in the mirror affirm the following:
    I love you ______ (insert your own name). I really, really love you. You are my best friend, and I enjoy living my life with you. Experiences come and go; however, my love for you is constant. We have a good life together, and it will only get better and better. We have many wonderful adventures ahead of us, and a life filled with love and joy. All the love in our lives begins with us. I love you, I really love you.”

  189.  #189Zia on June 8, 2015 at 6:06 pm

    lovergirl #169 – ohhhhh hun. This made me FEEL so much. It reminded me so much of what happened with me and my turmoil after my last boyfriend (before my current one) and I broke up. Man did I break down. hugs.

  190.  #190Tereana on June 8, 2015 at 6:07 pm

    I had a fun experience today.

    As I walked up to my house, I thought, as I have on many days, about the birthday gift that this one man said he would send me. I’ve been anticipating it for a month, and it hasn’t arrived. And I chatted with him a little over a week ago, and he said he was going to send it. I said “ok” and left it at that. But it hadn’t come yet.

    Today, as I walked up to my house, I thought of a funny quote that I saw on Facebook recently. It was a photo of a mug that said, “If a man says he’ll do something, there is no need to remind him of it every six months.” Lol. So I chuckled to myself, collected the mail (no package), and went into my house…

    Well, less than an hour after I got home, he sent me a text saying that he had just mailed my bday gift.


    That made me laugh 🙂

  191.  #191Zia on June 8, 2015 at 6:13 pm

    Lovergirl #182 – You have the power to break the cycle. I have said it before but I’ll just say it again… toxic men program 😉 x

  192.  #192Labbit on June 8, 2015 at 6:20 pm

    170 Millie — I feel very inspired reading this. You sound so centered in yourself and strong…WOW!!! I feel your Sireny rays shining out and they are lighting me up too. Thank you for that!

  193.  #193Labbit on June 8, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    Update on Tender Cave Time 🙂 :

    Late last week I started losing my confidence that he was going to come back. We had dated once before and I’d broken up with him; then he’d come back and asked for a second chance and about 3 months into that he broke up with me one evening (following a few weeks on intense anxiety and leaning forward on my part, oops) but asked for me back about two nights later.

    I started feeling an anxiety very similar to what I’d felt in that couple of weeks before we had our temporary breakup. I felt myself getting ever more desperate and needy, wanting to lean forward, wanting to reach out to him. I made the mistake of asking some friends for advice — I don’t know why because I already knew what they’d say. Although they love me and are well-meaning, they told me to lean forward and reach out to him — what harm could it do? They asked. Ugh, I struggled most of Thursday, Friday and Saturday with it.

    I kept loving myself through the anxiety, although it wasn’t easy. I cried, I felt lost, I felt like his energy was pulling away from me (while at other times I felt it coming strongly towards me). Meanwhile I was reading through Rori’s ebook, some old posts, and a lot of stuff from Dominique and Leigha Lake. The more I read the more inspired I felt…and I felt like I knew what to do.

    So, although it felt HORRIBLE and SO WRONG to me, I put all of my energy back on me. I started thinking about how I felt and stopped thinking about Tender or how he felt or worrying about why he wasn’t asking me to see him. I made plans for the weekend, and although it felt kind of awful at first I followed through with all of those plans. On Friday night I kept having to bring myself back to where I was, out with friends, and had to concentrate on having fun. On Saturday it got a little easier to kick back and have fun.

    And on Saturday evening something clicked for me. I realized that I was putting HIM first, forgetting about me, centering my world on him…everything I’m not supposed to do as the feminine-energy partner. I can’t really explain it but within a few hours my confidence came flooding back, and I felt much more solid than I have in years. Leigha Lake has a practice called writing your Love Compass, and though I’ve done it before, I did it again. And I started telling myself, the right man for me will make me feel these ways. I kept saying things like that all evening…the right man for me will lead the relationship, the right man for me will lean forward much more than I do, the right man for me will make me feel cherished, the right man for me will not make me feel insecure, and so on.

    That night I went to bed feeling more myself than I have in a really long time. On Sunday morning I felt like I was focused on ME and had forgotten about Tender…which felt like an impossible thing to do just a day or two earlier.

    He called me by lunchtime on Sunday, and we had dinner last night. He told me how much he missed me, and how much he loved me, and melted me when he said, “Never doubt that you are the woman I want to marry when the time is right.” He also said that he’d felt a lot of pressure building over the last few weeks, and that it had gotten almost to the point where he’d felt like was going to snap. So he chose to back away and give us both some air because he felt like it was the healthiest thing for our relationship. I shared some feeling messages about how happy I was to see him, and thanked him for telling me how he felt, and also how sad and confused I’d felt. He said he never meant to hurt me, and was more afraid of hurting me if he kept letting the pressure build inside of him and then snapped in fury at me.

    I knew this was his way of saying that he could feel ever more focused on him, and that it didn’t feel good. Lesson learned — I hope. I need to find ways to check in with myself to make sure I’m keeping my focus on me, and not on him. I saw him again earlier tonight and he’s going to stay over this weekend. It looks like we are back on track and I couldn’t be happier.

    Leaning back, focusing on ourselves, not leaning forward when our men withdraw…it really does work. 🙂 Even though it feels so totally wrong. That’s the other thing I learned.

  194.  #194Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    Labbit 193-

    I love this and definitely need to take on that attitude myself. So glad it clicked with you and all worked out so wonderfully 🙂

  195.  #195Lovergirl on June 8, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    Zia- Thank you! Maybe one of these days I will be able to afford it! I really did break down, but maybe it was for the best because it forced both he and I to think about what we are doing here.

    Tereana- I guess it feels alright but it also makes me feel a bit trapped with him. I really just don’t feel much like being with anyone right now until I’m more over S. :/ I especially don’t really feel like letting anyone touch my body.

    P.S. The birthday present experience is kind of funny. It’s funny how men pop up when you aren’t thinking of them and do things when you aren’t expecting, kind of like Labbit was saying.

    Oh and another guy messaged me on Facebook- a guy I slept with, in HIGH SCHOOL. Ugh. He is “happily” married and always posting these glowing pics of him and his wife and kids all over the place. Apparently he is off looking for something on the side though. It always seems like the guys who post the most “relationshippy” things on there are the sneaky ones.

  196.  #196Tereana on June 8, 2015 at 7:25 pm

    Labbit – 193 – that is so awesome!! Great story! Love it 🙂 I know I need to do more of that “focus on me” stuff, too. Thanks for the reminder 😉

  197.  #197Tereana on June 8, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Lovergirl – Yes! Very much like Labbit’s story. Lol

    And he’s not even a “main guy” in my life. Which I guess is one reason it was easy to not get so hung up on what he did or didn’t do. And I guess that’s another good takeaway from this – how great to be able to do that with a man who IS our “main guy” in life? What if we could be just as cool and chill to know that if he says he’ll do it, he’ll do it – no need to remind him. Just go about our business. And then…he does it!

    I’m not a very good gardener. But the plants that thrive best for me are ones that thrive on a certain amount of neglect. Orchids. Succulents. Things like that. I can forget about them for weeks, and then water them a bit and they are fine. In fact, overwatering has, historically, been my worst “sin” with plants in the past. And that’s another good lesson I suppose I could think about.

    I know that, with V, I was feeling “dried up.” I really wanted to be “watered” by communication with him. I was thirsty for it. And he wasn’t giving it to me. (Or so I perceived).

    But on the other hand, I was probably drowning him, or drowning the relationship. It could have been worse, honestly. But I never really gave it space. I was afraid to. I was afraid I would lose him and not see him again. I even expressed this to him. But that’s eventually what happened. And maybe it wasn’t so much “fear” as knowing that it was inevitable. But still.

    I have this tiny orchid. I looked at it a few weeks ago, and there was nothing special about it. Just the same leaves nothing new. Then, just after I decided I was going to school, I looked at it again. And whoa! There was new growth: new roots popping out at the bottom, and a new leaf that I had not even seen start to grow. It was so fun to be surprised. Sometimes when you are not looking, amazing things happen…

  198.  #198Tereana on June 8, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Azure Blue, Beloved, and Indigo – THANKS for the wonderful feedback! 🙂 It’s been fun to write, and experience these things as well.

    Beloved, I love your story, too, in 144. So powerful – just being seen! And right when you were ready for it! So cool. They were doing it – Pleasure pods ; )

  199.  #199Linda on June 8, 2015 at 8:21 pm

    One of the dusty things on my shelf is a convertible ! I dont know how it will happen or what it will be… but I am visualizing it in my garage!

  200.  #200Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    Labbit #193
    Ohhh… my… so good to hear how everything played out with you and Tender!!

    You were so right to continue with your lean back!!!
    Your Siren love and intuition is leading the way for Tenders heart to follow –
    So interesting how you feel YOU found YOURSELF
    again during this break from Tender…
    I guess that’s what these lean backs and self focus ARE supposed to do!
    So very happy for you Darlin’

  201.  #201Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 10:47 pm

    when i read the history of you and Tender…
    and the break ups you had in the begginings
    I can see why you were panicking…
    Wow!! I would have been also…
    BUT you kept processing and loving you…
    and seeking out YOUR fuller life..
    You are a shining light.

  202.  #202Azure Blu on June 8, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    After reading through all the wonderful posts on here lately
    It seems we are all asking for MORE…
    More of what WE believe we deserve
    from life and our Men…
    We are ALL so VERY brave to stretch the boundaries of ourselves… stretching into a Yummier life..

    I ran across this saying I had saved from facebook…

    Abundance flows…
    when you TRUST yourself enough to Handle MORE!!

    Sirens we are all growing by leaps and bounds…
    it’s inspiring to hear the Chorus of soft, warm melodies as we all reach for
    than we’ve ever had before
    More of what we know we Want and Deserve…

    and all the love and support we give to each other
    I don’t think I would have thought I could have gotten
    so much from an online blog!!
    Ahhh… the Universe/g*d works in mysterious ways!

  203.  #203Millie on June 8, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Femininewoman– Thank you for congratulating me! I do feel like I’ve accomplished something and really made a huge step forward emotionally. I feel like I took charge of myself instead of sitting back and letting my feelings take charge of me. Truthfully, I feel like I made a 180 in one weekend. Looking back at our good times now… I feel glad for them, and I know it was “good,” but short-lived and what we, I, am really looking for is the kind of good that has longevity and eventually becomes great. This may have been just a chemistry thing, that fizzled out when it got “too real.” Either way, I’m ok. I feel “above” it.

    Labbit– I feel so happy for you!!! how inspirational to hear your process of leaning back and how your man came back to you and opened his heart up! It just goes to show that having faith in this process, no matter how difficult it feels, results in some surprising and wonderful experiences! He trusts you and you trust him and that is so amazing! Yay!

    Lovergirl– what a tumultuous few days for you…I know it’s hard, but I feel like rejoicing in the how you opened up and stood up for yourself. I feel like you are going through a storm right now, but when the clouds part and the rain settles, you will have a beautiful rainbow and serenity awaiting you. I had a man once, (one I’ve mentioned many times on this blog, not M) who would tell me he wanted me to move into his building so he could see me all the time. Of course, in my naivety it felt flattering, but at the same time it felt icky…Like I would be a concubine or something. I think for S to tell you in a joking way that “you may lose your dignity” was actually a huge insult. At least I read it that way. I think he was taking advantage of your kindness and helpfulness towards him, and he was aware of it. He couldn’t take advantage of you further….I know that sounds icky, but it’s how I interpreted it. I’m glad you came to the conclusion that what he is offering isn’t enough. Of course it’s nice to hear that “you would be the perfect woman if he just let himself be with you” but there is also so much negativity in statements like that. It’s easy to get caught up in the positive and hope the road blocks clear themselves, but do you want a man who has so many road blocks to you? It sounds like you don’t. What do you think you are going to do about Chicago? A man who is clearing the road blocks for you…do you think you could ever feel for him if he earned your love?

  204.  #204Millie on June 8, 2015 at 11:12 pm

    CD update:

    I’m feeling totally turned off by CDA. I’m not sure what to say to him now. I cancelled on him last week due to my work schedule. Then he asked me again on Friday if I had to work late–I did. Nothing all weekend. Then today asks if he’ll ever see me again. I said yes, but I have crazy work schedule during the week and am only free on weekends right now. He said “till then”. I asked, till when? Then he said he doesn’t care, I can tell him. I didn’t reply, then he sent another text saying he thinks I’m too busy. Then he sent another one asking me to “come see him”. Then another one that just said “next weekend.” Ugh. I don’t know what to say. “I feel turned off being invited over to your place so late. I don’t feel valued when a man doesn’t make plans for our evening together. I don’t like being asked to do all the leg work. I want to feel pursued, not guilty that I have to work.” I don’t know…is it ok to just not reply? I don’t want to pull an M, but we haven’t been on a third date yet, so I think it’s ok?

    If I get rid of him then I will only be seeing CDB–which means I need to gather some more CDs I guess. Or would it be ok to just CD myself and make plans as normal? CDB is pretty on top of it so far…but I don’t want to fall into the focus on him trap.

    What do you ladies think?

  205.  #205Sami Wunder on June 9, 2015 at 12:32 am

    # Indigo !

    Sweetheart, WELL DONE YOU !! I am not often here but I do look out for brave women and love breakthroughs and find them here so often among all you inspiring sirens…

    And this time it´s you Indigo! You are SO on the right path. Honoring our feelings and our needs is the ONE and only way to go for a woman… even in a great love story like yours. We don´t know what´s coming… but yay you for following your heart ! It almost always leads to extraordinary stuff when we do that. Love, Sami

  206.  #206Victoria on June 9, 2015 at 12:52 am

    From your story so far, you seem to have been a man magnet, so I think you can easily let CD A go if he is not making an effort.
    Otherwise, I personally believe that a woman must CD other men ALWAYS even if she is exclusive/committed/married and 9 months pregnant. Just my 2 cents :-).

  207.  #207Victoria on June 9, 2015 at 1:07 am

    You are such an inspiration. You have processed all this so masterfully.
    I personally would not be able to go for days without contact. If I were in your shoes, I would have reached out to another man on day 2/3. I know this is something I need to work on, because more than anything it is a sign of my own insecurity and inability to tolerate romantic emptiness.
    This is not to say that I do not have a very busy life, I do, but I have a special need for romance which I find it difficult to satisfy with something else. It is like when you are thirsty, your need water, and trying to drink milk or coca-cola instead just makes it worse.
    Anyhow, thank you so much for sharing your experience here, your story is beautiful, and your strenght and wisdom are amazing.

  208.  #208HeartBeat on June 9, 2015 at 4:21 am

    I want personal space in my amazing relationship.

    So much of the content here is about building intimacy, and creating the right environment for intimacy and connection to flourish- I’m all about that, I feel lighter and jucier just reading that sentence.
    I also want personal space. A sense of space where I can process my feelings, my emotions, where I can breathe and chuck a tantrum privately, because sometimes I have feelings, that don’t ‘match up’ with what’d immediately going on.
    It’s a gorgeous day and for whatever reason, I feel FURIOUS or really down- he hasn’t done anything, nothing has ‘happened, but I feel furious. And I don’t want to stuff these feelings away or pretend to feel differently. And right now I want to feel nourished and safe, and a bit of personal space helps me to do that.
    I want to express my desire for personal space in a way that he can hear me and so he feels respected.

    “I am feeling a lot of feelings. I feel confused, there’s so many of them and they feel very intense.
    I don’t want you to think that you’ve done something wrong, because you’ve actually been wonderful, I feel so safe and beautiful around you. But right at this moment I feel so intense and I want to take some time to sit quietly and process. What do you think?”
    – Any suggestions?

    Or is this a golden opportunity for connection and I just happen to feel very uncomfortable with it?

    Because this isn’t a ‘causational feeling’ (eg: ‘a’ happened, then I felt ‘b’) It just came out of no where, I don’t want to let him see, I feel afraid and panicy, I feel frightened of what he’ll think.
    I feel scared. I feel overwhelmed. I feel angry.

    I would love to hear any suggestions


  209.  #209forest siren on June 9, 2015 at 4:25 am

    Indigo, I can’t wait to hear more about your travel plans! I too made the leap as you know and it changed my life in so many ways!

    Labbit your experiences recently have been so inspiring. I tend to be the kind of person so share all that stuff AFTER I am through the storm. You were so brave to share it as it was happening, really in touch with your feelings. The answer is ALWAYS to take care of ourselves.

    Lovergirl I have been reading your story with great interest! I want to congratulate you on your new job which will open up your life for you well done on creating that expansion for yourself. I have a funny feeling the more you SAY WHAT YOU WANT the more you will GET IT! Seems like Chicago’s message for you is TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT (this also can be the universe begging you to SAY WHAT YOU WANT). I would thank him for that message and not see him anymore if it were me but be grateful for that insight. As for S I congratulate you again on saying what you want with him. He knows what you want now and so do you! Its all good! Just slather love on yourself including the messy hysterical emotional parts that you judge.

    I have a question ladies. My man suffers from horrible anxiety. He turns to me about that and is so sweet and vulnerable with me about it. I practice RR ways and try not to take it on too much I tell him how his strength helps me so much when I feel anxious I let him know I believe in him, that I see how strong he is BUT everything in me is SCREAMING this morning to FIX this (I need to feed him better, get him on a proper routine, get him to read xyz, get him to do more exercise etc). Any suggestions? I kindof forgot about the loving the anxiety. I want to empower him and not baby him, I don’t want to be all up in his stuff, I LOVE that he comes to me when he feels like that and shares so rawly with me about how it affects his work and makes him want to run away from everything (reminds me of how important FREEDOM is to men he literally wants to shrug EVERYTHING off and escape) .. I would appreciate any suggestions. How could putting the focus on myself help him with his anxiety????

  210.  #210Victoria on June 9, 2015 at 5:18 am

    Forest siren,
    You know I kind of relate to what you say because my man comes to me and complains to be about his high blood pressure and his excessive weight. I am extremely tempted to tell him what he needs to do (which is exercise regularly and stop smoking) and he knows 100% that he needs to do it, but he does not do it, so I save my breath. Lately, I take his whining as fishing for compliments and reassurance that I would not leave him, even if he is hypertonic and overweight. I tell him that I love him and I like him and he is happy.
    Otherwise, a person who comes with a heath concern I would norally encourage to talk to a doctor, except that in my case, HE is a doctor so that does not really work.
    In your case, how could YOU feed him better or get him on a proper routine? This is for him to do if he wants to, not for you.

  211.  #211Dominique on June 9, 2015 at 5:32 am

    Heartbeat – It feels so wonderful having your beautiful spirit here again. I’ve missed you.

    I think you feeling the need for space sometimes to sort through your feelings is a beautiful thing, and your speech is absolutely perfect.

    If you feel the urge to take care of you at any time, listen to this. You have the awareness to know if it’s avoidance. And even if it is in a way in that things are feeling too much too quickly, honor this. It takes time to build true intimacy, time to grow and time to integrate. Sometimes a little breather is necessary and important.

    This is also something to remember when and if your man sometimes retreats for short spells.

    Love to you.


  212.  #212forest siren on June 9, 2015 at 5:51 am

    Victoria thank you. I feel happy you responded as when I was writing I was thinking of you! About what you said it would be impossible for you to refuse to help your man if he was hurt and needed to go to the doctor. I too find it impossible to say no to this kindof thing but it works both ways he takes care of me so that is fine. LOL re your dilemma about him being a doctor! I forgot, that my great coach, Stephanie suggested that when he tells me all this it is his way to share who he is and I don’t need to fix it or respond or freak out when he says he is moving to Alaska away from all the stress of his work I fell a bit into the trap of advising .. but its ok, i will regain my composure.

    Also re the cooking thing, at present he doesn’t have a kitchen where he lives and Iike to eat healthily so could cook for him more often. Just a practical thing. He pays for a lot of my bills so I feel it would be giving back rather than giving.

  213.  #213forest siren on June 9, 2015 at 5:59 am

    Also I have another question – curious to know if this is even possible! My man is very sensitive as am I. For various reasons we have seen a LOT of each other the last 2 weeks, almost every day. By the end of it I was thinking oh I love him so much I feel so close to him and I need to get away, I need some space, I don’t need to see him before he goes away on his trip this week, I feel full etc .. no sooner did I think this than he disappeared for a day!! he did text me but he went away for a day by himself which was exactly what I was planning for MYSELF! his leaving triggered my anxiety so instead of taking the space for myself i felt anxious and longing for his return. when he did come back after 1 day he was super anxious. I guess I’m wondering is it possible that in bonded relationships we can mirror each others feelings like that which reinforces what I mean about taking care of ourselves is good for everyone 😉

  214.  #214Femininewoman on June 9, 2015 at 6:07 am

    RE 213 that is wht I believe forest siren. I have read that we share share our emotions through our amygdyla and have experienced it somehow so I have come to believe that this does happen.

  215.  #215Victoria on June 9, 2015 at 6:11 am

    Forest siren,
    I have felt like you – both suffocating from too much contact and needing some space but at the same time longing to hold on to him and not let him leave me for a minute. All at the same time, and very confusing.
    I do not have any advice, it kind of passed by itself usually.

  216.  #216Indigo on June 9, 2015 at 8:57 am


    Thank you so much! I love your articles and I love your approach.

    Thank you, your words just really feel like yet another confirmation of what I’m feeling. It’s time to put me and my dreams first. This definitely has a “something wonderful and magical is about to happen” feeling about it.


  217.  #217Indigo on June 9, 2015 at 8:58 am

    forest siren!

    I can’t wait to tell you all about it! Hopefully we can e-mail soon 🙂


  218.  #218Indigo on June 9, 2015 at 9:07 am


    I just felt compelled to respond to your post because this deeply, deeply resonates with me, and is something I grapple with almost daily.

    I am a huge believer and a huge fan of intimacy, but… I also believe that intimacy includes holding the space for your beloved while they take time out when they need to. I have dated guys who battled with this concept, and felt that something must be “wrong” if I took time to myself, and I instinctively knew those were not the guys for me. For me, I look for a balance between intimacy and independence in my life and in my relationship, and I absolutely don’t think there’s anything wrong with pulling away to process your feelings and take care of yourself. In fact, for introverts and sensitive people, this is the very air that they breathe.

    So no one has to have done anything wrong for you to have the right to pull away and cocoon for a bit – many people lead rich inner lives and the feelings and sensations that come up don’t really have a reason, they just need to be felt and given space and they will move along.

    I don’t know about you, but I know that my perfect man will instinctively understand when I need to pull away and have time for myself. He may not know exactly why, but he will be able to meet this basic need. Your script sounds good to me.

  219.  #219Indigo on June 9, 2015 at 9:19 am

    Labbit 193,

    I feel really happy that this all had a happy ending for you.

    Did he say why he felt so much pressure building inside?

  220.  #220Tereana on June 9, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Forest siren. I hear your need for personal space. I have it, too. As in, I just need to be alone at times to be totally happy. But not all the time 😉

    However, if your need for personal space is really about hiding your feelings – even seemingly random “non-causational” ones – then you could be hiding from intimacy. Could you “personal space” for these feelings actually become a soft, comfortable bubble that follows you around everywhere, including with him? So that you are safe to feel and show these emotions, even when he’s there?

    I bet if he got a chance to see that, he’d be honored and feel very special….

  221.  #221Tereana on June 9, 2015 at 8:58 pm

    So I may be forging a new relationship with my mother. I don’t want to say for sure, to jinx it too soon. But that’s not even really the point.

    The point is, I’ve felt aggrieved that she’s not a “feminine” role model. But who cares? I’ve got TONS on feminine role models. Just on this blog, I do. And in real life as well.

    My mom may not be a feminine role model. But she’s a *great* way to practice having a relationship with a guy!!! Lol. I’ve just discovered this, and it makes me laugh.

    My mum likes to do, and help. So when’s give Her something helpful to do, she’s happy as a clam!! Lol. We can talk and laugh and have concetsation. She feels involved, included. It really helps.

    I imagine a guy must feel similarly. When he gets the chance to “do” for you, he feels happy and included. When he doesn’t, he retreats, he feels sad and neglected, so he turns to other things to make himself happy. But he’d be VERY happy doing for us.

    That’s my thought for the day…

  222.  #222Tereana on June 9, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    Good night!!

  223.  #223Azure Blu on June 10, 2015 at 2:17 am

    Tereana #220
    I love what you are saying here…
    Such a great insight
    “Could you “personal space” for these feelings actually become a soft, comfortable bubble that follows you around everywhere, including with him? So that you are safe to feel and show these emotions, even when he’s there?

    I bet if he got a chance to see that, he’d be honored and feel very special….”

  224.  #224Victoria on June 10, 2015 at 5:56 am

    I had a long conversation with F. last night about his constantly being late. He told me that I lately I have started being late too, at which point I confessed my little strategy vis-a-vis his lateness. I told him that I figured that he is usually 30-40 minutes late, and that, in order to avoid waiting for him, in my mind I “recalculate” our agreed time to be 30-40 min later than the agreed time. On the rare occasion that he actually comes earlier, I try to somehow compensate by hurrying up to melt the difference, and I am late on the rare occasion when I do not manage to be flexible enough.
    He was both fascinated and a bit pissed off…
    I am thinking now that may be I did not need to be so honest.
    We talked again today and he sounds kind of sulky…

  225.  #225Tereana on June 10, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Victoria – I personally think you did great! Being honest was the alway to go. Maybe he is sulky about something else. You could ask him, honestly, “You seem down. Is something wrong?” It might not be you at all…

  226.  #226Tereana on June 10, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    I hate that typo. Lol. “Your bubble…” 🙂 in #220 : )

  227.  #227Allure on June 10, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    I feel resillient. I feel calm. I feel electric undercurrents. I feel light and spaceous. I feel the cool breeze on my exposed skin and hear the train go by. Life is mostly beautiful. Feelings are feelings. Going through the commotion. Just can’t sit there in it forever. Progress means a lot in my life.
    I can sit still. I can. I can sit still, yet I feel all the emotion and energy pulsing and moving me regardless. It can sometimes be fun. I can see it as fun consistently.
    Reminding myself to be soft and easy with myself. Transition slowwwwly. Let it unfold delicately.

  228.  #228Allure on June 10, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    I feel drawn in and intrigued. I feel sexual chemistry. I see myself stuffing it deep deep down until it’s so tiny and no one can ever see that it actually exists. Just now having a realization that I don’t want to do that. I’ll take deep breaths. I have a hopelessly lost little girl inside me. I want to hold her tight and tell her she is not bad. Just lost, afraid, angry, in pain. I am the only one that can be there for her, take care of her. She can come along with me, hand in hand as I embrace light and love. I will tell her she is not a burden. She helped pave my path.
    “Let the picture paint itself” I hear inside of my head.
    “not so much thinking”
    “like the breeze. let life flow.”
    And now I can sleep 🙂

  229.  #229Allure on June 10, 2015 at 8:33 pm

    One more for the road…

    “Whatever it is you dwell within will be the nature of your experience”

    I must have a guardian speking to me. I’m wise. Not foolish enough to thnk i’m that wise.

  230.  #230lovetodance on June 11, 2015 at 4:07 pm


    that is lovely and so true

    yes i believe you are wise and wise enough have heard that!