From Connection To Passion

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Even if you’re with a man for the wrong reasons – Even if the “energy” is off, and the connection is off, and your astrologer and numerologist and psychic tell you you’re not “aligned” – you can FEEL intense passion, love – everything you want to feel with nearly any man.

There are trade-offs no matter what – and here’s what I want for you:

Don’t go by the “thrill” you feel or don’t feel.  That can be an old, toxic, “off” pattern that will bring you to the same results you’ve always gotten.

Some of us are attracted to men who are “aligned” with us in mysterious ways (MatchMatrix – whose stuff I love and recommend in an interview I did with Frank Seifert) – where the communication and connection flows and it’s all so easy and fulfilling and energizing.

And some of us are attracted to men who are totally NOT aligned with us, where the communication and connection is challenging, and exhausting – but our attraction carries the relationship anyway.

And all of us attract men who are aligned or not aligned with us in important ways, but the result is the same – if we allow the man into our life, regardless of the level of attraction WE feel at first – we can still either be exhausted and drained by the man, or feel energized and good around him.

Also – and here’s the really unfair part – if you’ve had a history, like I did, of one wrong man after another – where the one thing that constantly happened was that he did not care enough for you to make the relationship work seriously – then it hardly even MATTERS if a man who DOES care for you is aligned with you or not.

You’ll instinctively push away any man who’s emotionally available and pine after a man who isn’t. In other words, your attraction to a man who will hurt you is stronger than any other consideration.

So – how can we get the best situation for ourselves with all these different things going on?

How can we trust our feelings when we can feel so much for a man who will hurt us, and feel so much for a man who’s not aligned in anyway with us? (MatchMatrix calls an attraction for men who are NOT like us, and so not aligned with us – “false attraction.”)

1. We look at our lives and our values and what’s important to us.

If we’re getting to 40, and we really want to have a child, then we’ll give more weight to a man who also wants to have a family – NOW – and who would be a good father and husband.  And we can become VERY attracted to that – because that’s what’s important to us right now.

2. We make the mental decision that there’s a huge difference between “settling” and “having a great relationship and a great life with a great man.”

In other words, if we’re always, and ONLY attracted to men who are emotionally and physically unavailable – men who will HURT us in the end – then we have to accept that CHOOSING a man who is AVAILABLE to us, who WANTS us – may FEEL like “settling” at first – but that it ISN’T settling.

If we’re lucky, and we’re attracted to men who are aligned with us, who we relate to easily – then we may feel the “friend” thing really, really strongly, and might take that to mean there won’t be any passion.

But that isn’t true.  For a woman, true passion is born out of connection, not attraction.

I’ll say that again: For a woman, true passion is born out of connection, not attraction.

So – take your time before you make judgments about what is or isn’t possible.

The only thing you need to know, from the first moment to the present moment, is if a man’s energy is coming TOWARD you.

You need to feel that.  You need to feel that as relaxation, as a sense of security in your body.  You need to be able to breathe around him. You need to feel safe enough to do the Tools, Speak your Truth, and be yourself – happy as yourself.

Try using that as the test for any man.  From here, you create connection, and from there – passion.

Let me know.

Love, Rori

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  1.  #1Maria on February 19, 2009 at 1:06 pm

    i have just passed through a trauma, and l still shaking from it. l dont know where to go, l just need to get it out from my chest, hopefully without not judgement by others. With a man in my life it is like l am not me, but there is someone inside of me, who is so yearnig for his love that she is doing everything to get it. Common sense is out of the window.
    l was, very attracted with a man, and the more attracted l am, the more awfully l was treated.It feels like l would need some firewall to protect me from virus (very bad men), but the protection is not there in this kind of relationships….Why is it so, Rori, that your mind just stops working and all your hurt comes out?
    He tells me one thing one day – saying he loves me and he misses me (we live in different city) and the next day it is the opposite. And he blames me for not trusting him.Then, when l am away for couple of days, he contacts me and the circle goes again. He keeps blaming me for things l havent done.
    The problem raised, when l told him that l am not going to have sex until l am ready. From that he decided that l dont trust him and he started to give me hard time – that l dont understand him, l dont get him and so on. Then he says he loves me and he WANTED to marry me, but this is totally twisted, cos his mood changes in a second, and the fact that lm still not ready to sleep with him, it got even worse.
    lm shaking cos of the evil energy that run toward me yesterday from him, blaming and leaving me (he has been leaving me several times and coming back again) but the most awful thing is – how am l attracting this kind of thing in my life….:?l wish someone would stand up for me and just kick his ass off (sorry for the expression) cos he know he is screwed up of how he treats me, and that person, who stands up, should be me, but l just dont know how. l feel so bad about myself:(

  2.  #2Daria on February 19, 2009 at 2:08 pm

    Aww Maria! Hugs. I have been there in a similar situation. It’s like feeling hypnotized and unable to stand up for yourself. The way I did it was to try to do it baby step by baby step without judging myself.

    The first step I took was hanging up on him! That’s right. when He would “turn on me” and start saying awful stuff, (and this is when I first read Rori’s book) I actually HUNG UP ON HIM. I thought it would be the end of the world but instead IT WORKED! He called back. Lots of times. I started picking up only when I felt comfortable enough, not when he would have wanted me to. I felt FREE and shaky.

    When I kept doing it, he stopped attacking as much. Now I STILL do this with this man as my main tool (HANG UP when he attacks) and he is changing the way he speaks to me (I have since gotten much stronger and broken his hypnosis spell.)

  3.  #3jat on February 19, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    I got this picture in my mind of all this stuff Rori talks about, and I thought you all might like to hear it.

    I was reading her e-book, and all of a sudden I got this picture of us women being like an egg in the falopian tube. The egg is slowly travelling down the tube, not in a hurry, apparently not seeking.

    The sperm, on the other hand, ARE seeking. They are seeking hard and have quite a long way to travel to get to the egg. And once they find the egg, they don’t just sit there passively waiting for an invitation – they beat their heads on it until one of them gets in!

    So I loved what Rori said here about the man’s energy coming towards us.

    Here’s a four minute video I found about human fertilization that shows what I’m talking about:


  4.  #4alias girl on February 19, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    jat i Love that! hahahah! that is so great and super duper i am chucling.

  5.  #5alias girl on February 19, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    jat I LOVE that! that is so great and so super duper i am chuckling. it is in their dna. heeheee. i love it. thank you sooo much.

    maria. i also have hung up on, stopped texting, walked away from. i tell them. i feel insert whatever you are feeling. i am going to stop texting now. or i am going to hang up the phone. i like to tell them i’m going to do it before i do it but it’s whatever feels comfortable. i completely understand that hypnotic state by that certain kind of man. (for me probably a big clue the guy is not going to be greaat for me. in a sense. in another sense. the guys that hypnotize me are always the best mirrors for me so win/win i guess.

    but you do NOT not not not not have to accept poor behavior from men. is good you can practice drawing boundaries. and i feel statements. and i don’t want statements. i stand behind you right now. (and i am fierce. and loving. but also FIERCE.) 🙂

  6.  #6Daria on February 19, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    Rori I believe you. I just don’t “get” how this works. How is passion going to come from connection. I remember my highschool boyfriend that I felt so connected to, it was like we were branches of the same tree. But I did not feel passion, I felt friendship and much interest in feeling passion with other men. So eventually I left.

    Was this not the way it usually works? Was I not ready for intimacy (I’m not ready now but almost maybe?). I feel I would be ready “with the right man.” That I feel passion for.

    I am going to keep practicing tools and allowing myself to feel connected (which by the way I’m not sure that I really know what it means) and see if passion comes up. I am definitely open to men whose energy is coming towards me.

    I would like to feel more clear and free about this. I feel resistant and confused.

  7.  #7alias girl on February 19, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    i am willing to give time to allow a connection to grow between a man and myself even if i am not initially WOW about him. i am willing to give a great great AVAILABLE man a chance. bc a great great unavaiable man does me no good. and a potentially great great man does me no good.

    living in the NOW. 🙂

  8.  #8Reshi on February 19, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Jat, I love it! 😀

    I feel glad that I’ve never felt that choosing a man who is available and wants me is settling.

    Actually, it can be…but I’ve decided to choose the BEST available man who wants me, rather than the FIRST…I feel that will make all the difference.

    With everyone I’m meeting these days, I’m definitely feeling friendship and connection and their energy coming towards me. And I’m also feeling how strange the whole thing feels, like I have 4 boyfriends who ignore me for a week and then all call and text at the same time. It’s definitely out of my control.

    I can tell when I’m feeling like reaching out to the ones who aren’t stepping up, but thank God, I don’t act on it. I’ve felt upset when the ones I liked best stopped calling, and that’s when I have to remind myself that love is like the waves of the sea. If it were static and stationary, what fun would it be? I’m just in between waves now, that’s all, and I just have to hang on to myself and keep swimming towards my shore, and then when I least expect it, the biggest, strongest wave will come up behind me and carry me the rest of the way.

  9.  #9alias girl on February 19, 2009 at 10:36 pm

    i feel angry. and in that anger i feel Power. i FEEL. I FEEL. I FEEL. POWER POWER POWER. THOSE TWO WORDS ARE FULL OF SELF EMPOWERMENT. I FEEL. and the truth follows. I feel empowered. i feel dignified. and i feel angry. i feel so powerful.

    i feel.

    we are all connected.

    sometimes i can’t believe people aren’t buying me roses everyday.

    i feel angry. i feel responsible and accountable for my anger. i am committed to my well being and happiness.

    we are all connected.

    i feel grateful. i feel like a rocket about to take off in the center of my body. i feel interested in following my sensations. i feel an intense forehead. i feel a figting stance. i feel like a really strong cat-like animal. i feel threatened. i feel Challenged. ah. interesting. i feel interested. i feel release. i feel my cat back is unarching. i feel twitching in my right elbow. hhhhooooohhhhoooo on the level of super riffer daria. i feel self conscious. i feel sooooooo angry. i feel disrespected and looked down upon. ah interesting. by someone i don’t respect and look down upon. ah. i feel curious. why i should disrepsect or look down on anyone. ? i feel baffled. i feel interested. curious.

  10.  #10alias girl on February 19, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    so i feel curious about ego dramas/stances which on a micro cosmic level severs human relations and on a world wide scale causes wars and bombing and killing. it’s all the same just different extremes. but people defending something which feels as important as their life.

    ah i feel curious about an issue that is as old as time.

    i feel confused if it would be more growth to follow through with all men who ask and pursue? or is it ok to have some discretion? i mean should i follow through with guys i am repelled to be get closer to? i feel ? i feel uncomfortable. i feel like placing a plastic shield up. i feel Obligated. oh interesting. i feel obligated to be someone i am not. why? why do i feel that? i feel there is nothing in common. oh. hmmm. ok. so i am going to say yes to men i have some common ground with. it can be anything. anything. we both like onion soup. if i find anything i have in common with him he is a potential date. otherwise no. (unless i feel hypnotized. hehe. kidding. sort of.) ok so ok to be discretionery (for me as a new experiment)with men who i just can’t make ANY CONNECTION WITH. WHOA. s’up with the all caps. ?

  11.  #11Reshi on February 20, 2009 at 12:21 am

    Alias Girl’s mention of roses reminds me that I keep meaning to buy myself flowers and decorate my room and myself with them and just have an amazing date with myself at home…but every time I get to the store it’s always “oh they’re expensive” or “I don’t have time” or “I don’t feel like bothering.”

    I’ve been thinking about what Rori said: “For a woman, true passion is born out of connection, not attraction.” It feels true to me. Delicious-looking male models who won’t meet my eyes…I don’t feel a damn thing. It’s only when he’s looking in my eyes, speaking lovingly to me, touching me that I really FEEL anything for a man. I was surprised by the experience I had last week, he touched me and I didn’t feel much if anything…but then I went home and saw an e-mail from him, and I REMEMBERED him touching me and suddenly I felt all these wonderful, delicious sensations throughout my body. Like “oh yeah, that’s what that feels like, I had forgotten.” That happened like a couple hours after I made a post bitching about how I didn’t feel anything, lol. So it’ll be interesting to see what happens should I meet him again.

  12.  #12Daria on February 20, 2009 at 1:05 am

    Yay Reshi that sounds fun. Yay Alias girl welcome to the war dillema. I am having super fun doing EFT on myself off of youtube… i feel so ZINGY right now I feel AWESOME. It feels like Smiling and rolling my eyes back and saying aaaaaaah… yay… i feel so pleasured. That sounds so sexual lol… I like those Mama Gena books how they are so sexual lol…

    Ok I feel like I am high on tapping haha. Yes. Feels GOOD.

    I reached out today and contacted some men, for non-romantic purposes. Did not get what I wanted really. As in my neighbor did not call me back when I said I wanted to visit him (maybe he will later but not as of yet), my guy friend said he had called me (I returned his call no voicemail) to see what I was doing but will call me back and hasn’t, and radom e-mailing guy did not answer my demand that he pick me up because I feel like going out (I was half kidding).

    Hehe. I feel good. I don’t feel bad. I don’t mind that they haven’t really called me. I just feel interested how that works. Hehe.

    I’m feeling pain in my right upper arm, like a squeezy pain. Hi squeezy feeling. I love you.!!!1 LOOOOVE is what I feel right now… lol… more like ELATION. I like this feeling. It feels like hanging out with friends and being happy. (I’m hanging out at the computer right now lol).

    I’m smiling. HEhe. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

  13.  #13Daria on February 20, 2009 at 1:11 am

    I just clicked Jat’s link and got a guy talking about is the human embryo alive… Maybe the video got switched? I expected lots of swimmy sperm rushing towards the goddessy egg?

  14.  #14Katja on February 20, 2009 at 4:46 am

    I feel a bit confused about this post. Maybe Rori can jump in here and clear this. Passion is for me something that has to do with sex. But this post isn’t about sex,or is it? Maybe I just don’t get it because I am no native english speaker. I feel really silly right now 🙂 Don’t laugh about me…

  15.  #15Flipper on February 20, 2009 at 7:45 am

    Sex can be passionate, but is not necessarily so. Passion has many meanings, including religious like in Bach’s Passion of St. John, etc. I feel passion is a very strong, sometimes overwhelming, emotional charge and attachment to something, whether a person, a relationship, a belief, a goal or living life to the fullest. For me, sex is normally one of the more obviously passionate aspects of a romantic relationship, but to get there, I want to feel passionate about the whole picture with that person.

  16.  #16Cassandra on February 20, 2009 at 8:41 am

    Rori….I cannot put into words how deeply this post touched my heart. As a matter of fact you said something very similar in ReConnect and it has stuck with me ever since I first heard it and I replay that CD almost daily so that it will SINK IN! You said that in order to find out if a man is a good man we have to look at how WE feel around him. Between this post and that single statement about how I FEEL around a man being the ‘determiner’ (sorry …I created a new word there 🙂 ) of whether or not that man is good for me or not has COMPLETELY CHANGED THE WAY THAT I AM NOW OPERATING AND HOW I THINK AND SEE THINGS!!!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you. For the last few weeks I have been noticing a dramatic shift in thoughts and my actions. I have been noticing that I have been TRULY focused on ME and what makes ME feel good and even though I am still living with Charles and can’t just leave and go home if he does or says something that is hurtful or tears me down..I have been walking away and going to get into my by energy to do something that makes ME feel good. For me this is HUGE and feels so good. Because of this realization….because the lightbulb has finally been switched to ON for me regarding this very thing I now believe that I am seeing Charles for the TOXIC MAN that he truly is and that he is NOT GOOD FOR ME. I can even actually now SAY THAT without crying or even getting all emotional or sad. He is simply NOT good for me. I VERY CLEARLY know what I want for my life and the kind of relationship/ marriage that I want and he is not capable of giving me what I want….period. I am FINALLY in a place where I am trying to move on with my life and have those things that I want for my life. Thank you so much for all that you do. Without this realization….without learning…FINALLY….that what defines whether or not a man is good for me or is relationship/ marriage material FOR ME is how I FEEL in his presence I know that I would still be stuck in that place of wanting things to work out with Charles…of pining after the image that he painted for me in the beginning of our relationship…..of wanting the life that I want and having it with him and not being able to move beyond that. I FINALLY FEEL FREE. I FINALLY FEEL FREE TO MOVE ON….TO SPREAD MY WINGS A FLY AND HAVE WHAT I WANT AND KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW…..THAT I DESERVE IT!!!!!

  17.  #17Katja on February 20, 2009 at 9:18 am

    Thank you Flipper. Just after posting my comment with that question I got what this post was about. 🙂

    I feel a bit silly,but thats not bad…

    Cassandra-I feel happy for you that you finally figured everything out and feel free!!! Feels great to read that!!!

  18.  #18Tina T on February 20, 2009 at 8:08 pm

    I wholeheartedly agree about needing to evaluate your life and your values. Women waste a lot of time on men that don’t match up with them on these fronts just because there is an initial attraction. In the end they don’t work out and they’ve wasted all that time and energy when they could have been putting it towards a man that had these things in common with them.

  19.  #19alias girl on February 20, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    so i will share briefly about my experience with making an appt with emily vanhorn the body therapist /somatic trauma resolution woman. it was as if all of this work i had been doing made sense. (with roris suggestion of following our feelings)

    i knew when i had commented about rihanna and chris brown that it was a turning point for me. i could feel it as soon as i had the awareness of my perspective and was like ew that can’t be healthy. i’ve since come to a new resolution about that but is off topic and won’t go further into it.

    but as soon as i hit that submit comment button (always an act of bravery) i knew. i felt a shift. also the realization that more stuff was coming up for me than felt comfortable. then when rori wrote that compassionate response i just cried. and then i talked to emily, the therpaist, and felt relief (and shaking and silent tears) and then i went on her website and released more Energy. more tears. and then that night it was the weirdest thing. i could feel Energy being released. it would come in waves and often accompanied by sobbing but not always.

    it was like this whole new level of awareness with my body. and also like my body new it was ok to release stuff. or maybe bc i knew what was going on i just didn’t stop it. i don’t really know how it works. so i liken it to panic attacks but it’s not a panic attack in textbook description. it’s just a moment of enrgy releasing and then it’s done and it’s like oh ok moving on now what was i doiing– kindf of thing

  20.  #20alias girl on February 20, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    hey. i wasn’t done with my comment.
    anyway i had my actual appt with emily today and it went really well and she is really sweet and intuitive and it didn’t seem like we really did much if people were to see it from the outside.

    but then again maybe it never does look like much from the p outside. but on the inside BIG SHIFTS. also i think i will develop a new way of being in the world. pretty cool since my old way of being is pretty much like a shaking duck disguised as a really mean dog who is mostly disappearing when it comes to human relationships. so cool. i feel good. did she perform chakra magic on me and my body shook for thirty minutes and now i’m perfectly transformed into my highest godeess self?

    hm. i don’t know. i don’t think so. maybe? heh. no there was no shaking. anyway i am going to see her again bc i feel curious. 🙂

  21.  #21Daria on February 20, 2009 at 11:02 pm

    OHhh Alias girl that sounds cool. It sounds kind of like when I first came to this blog and Rori advised us to allow our feelings whatever they are and I fell to the floor crying for 15 minutes then laughing for 20 then crying for another 15 followed by more laughing and I felt I came to a new normal.

    Hehe cool. So are you saying you already did your appointment with Emily and this was the result happening or is this all pre-appointment?

  22.  #22Daria on February 20, 2009 at 11:03 pm

    COOOL…. I might sneak into the remaining balance on my credit cards and do an appointment with her.

  23.  #23Reshi on February 20, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    It’s been one of those days when every man and his brother is contacting me. E-mails from my ex and man #4 who I like, and phonecalls from man #5 who I’m starting to REALLY like and a male coworker who I always end up in long conversations with. And then random online dating messages from a guy I’m not attracted to who’s fun to talk to and another guy who’s probably too young for me but at least we can bitch and moan about the Indian dating scene together. Everyone’s got a message, and the connection and the energy feels great. I’m starting to feel like the egg with all the sperm bashing their little heads on it…lol.

    As far as my ex, I’ve decided to basically just use him as a Feeling Message experiment, just Feeling Message him to death. At this point, he’s a perfect safe partner for such a thing.

    I had some free time and spent it revising my vision board to include living in Hawaii, going back to school, hula dancing, and a couple pictures of what I think M looks like. I just put on some great, powerful music and went to town, and I’m very happy with the result. It feels good, it feels real, and it feels like it’s coming to me.

    All my conversations with men have been just flowing lately, I feel so much less of the gross awkwardness that I felt with men #1, 2, and 3. It is easier to talk to them now. Man #4 really helped me open that up. I’m feeling like I’m in the middle of Rori’s 100 men tool, and like I might actually end up dating 100 before I find the right one! That feels like a lot…

    I feel very interested in Alias Girl’s experience with Emily. It feels like my first experience–initiation, really–into Feminine energy, which was a 3-day journey of initiation during which I pretty much had the entire spectrum of human emotion flow through me. I remember, after I came home from that, I looked like a completely new person, I WAS a completely new person. My husband was drawn to me like a moth to a flame and it was absolutely magical. I feel sad now because I want to be in that magic again. I want to be in that magic forever, the magic of the Feminine. After a weekend I become this gorgeous, glowing Goddess, but then a few days of living in the world and I close up and go back into the Masculine again.

  24.  #24Reshi on February 20, 2009 at 11:40 pm

    I feel that all this intuitive, energy, body-mind stuff is real. I don’t feel I can adequately back it up with logic to get the whole world to believe it, and that feels a little sad and dejected.

  25.  #25alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 12:23 am

    i feel relieved. i mean i didn’t have that crying/laughing experience daria but it certainly sounds like great fun. i’ve actually really tried to Hold It Together my whole life as far as my feelings go so with rori’s stuff it’s just a whole new level. at first i couldn’t even identify what i was feeling but i could tell you what i THOUGHT.

    i don’t know if emily’s work will be different from the feminie work or how other people would respond to it but i feel very curious and am going to try again. and yes daria, i had my first appt already earlier today. (she only accepts cash or checks so you may need to juggle things )

    i want to be godessy, compassionate woman able to discharge emotions fully and be whole ALL THE TIME. i wan to become that way in a fun manner and in ways which i would enjoy and are in line with my dreams.

    i feel like

    i feel a little selfish. like i just pushed and pushed and followed and followed and did it idid it did it. i was compulsed. and i pushed it to the very limits people could tolerate (finding my truth) and i feel like i said hello to myself. like i am not this idea of myself that i kept trying to be and was so concerned others saw me as (nice, unselfish, listening etc) i was trying so hard to not go beyond the restrictions of society as far as what i FELT. I had been (up til rori) trying to Manage my felings and pertend some feelings didn’t even exist. (bc i was a Good person). but i got in touch with all these other sides of myself by riffing and now they aren’t like these skeletons in my closet that i keep trying to shove back in and keep under lock and key. i feel like i am rambling and not making alot of sense or communicating precisely what i am trying to communicate.

  26.  #26alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 12:36 am

    it was like i was going to just keep going until i found the other side. and then i found relief. so for some reason i feel selfish about that.
    anyway i feel very interested in developing tools for ways of keeping this feeling of safety in the world bc that’s my really really big issue and it was so blatantly obvious to me today after my appt with emily. like in my body i understood it. not just intellectually.

    i want to keep the godess vibe too reshi. not just have it be this temporary thing. i am SURE there is a way. i just feel so relieved. right now. i feel relief. and

    also i was in a store and talking to this guy (totally not a potential date) but the conversation was so easy (and enjoyable even though it was about nothing) and then i had to move on but the guy kept talking and i made several motions to leave, each hint being more bovious than the next. finally i put my hand on his shoulder and said well i’m going to run it was nice talking to you. he said no listen to me and kept talking. and i said no i’m not listening i’m leaving. and there was no charge in me when i saidi it. and no charge when he recv’d it and it was like ok and i left. it was just this totally different kind of exchange. and he said these things in such a manner during the conversation that would have triggered me before and i didn’t feel threatened. and then when he was about to go on a complaining rant i held up these martini glasses and said HOW DO YOU LIKE THESE GLASSES? and i explained why i loved them and he completely forgot about his life long gripe about how people don’t respect artists. i learned that by a comment heartbeat had said when we were talking about listening to peopl.

    plus i felt so much love for my body and how it’s cared for me all this time that i kissed my shoulder so hard and so long in the shower that i gave myself a hickie.

  27.  #27Daria on February 21, 2009 at 12:48 am

    Alias girl I relate with holding in emotions and not feeling them pre-Rori blog. I bet a lot of us do.

    Ok what if I’m not ready for a relationship. I don’t want to be that close to a man until I feel I can be self sufficient. I do not want to trust my financial self to a man (not that I’m getting rich volunteers – probably becasue of what I just said). I should say a man other than my father whom I do trust. Ok… I’m now realizing I would want to trust my husband that way. But really I just want to date a lot and have fun and have connected and EMOTIONAL FEEL GOOD sex with men. I feel worried that I will take “too long” to come to the place where I feel ready to “settle down.” Except when I really have gotten into a man I did want to settle down with him. So maybe I’m just feeling drifty because I haven’t had sex in awhile and sex connects me emotionally (usually). Like someone posted this new question on the Long Post, that she met a man and he wants to get married and they’ve only known each other for 21 days. And that really got me thinking… aha… thinking… warning! lol… and I feel a little lost about it all.



    All caps for the universe. I feel like I am weak and getting a cold and have been taking care of myself by napping today. I feel tingly in my hands and cheekbones.


    Right I notice a sexual theme here.



    I don’t feel transported to beaming smiles right now, maybe I could word it better, so I could elicit stronger feelings. Right now I feel like itsy bitsy blossoming of curiosity. I feel relaxed and comfortable and warm in my head while my eyes feel like closing.


    Thank you.

    I feel a little buzzy in my head. I’m feeling “resting” right now. Thank you body. I appreciate you getting sick to get rest, and it’s ok to not get sick also. I feel bad and disappointed and guilty that you feel ill, and I want to be able to communicate and clearly understand your need for rest without you having to get sick. Unless you want to get sick, and that’s ok too, although I don’t want to , and I love that too. Thanks body, I love you, and that feels like a sigh and a smile. Which I love and that feels like more smiling.

    I’m going to do a little more EFT on youtube now.

  28.  #28Reshi on February 21, 2009 at 12:55 am

    Alias Girl, there’s definitely a way to keep the goddess vibe! It’s a matter of constantly deepening our own process, and I feel Rori’s work totally gets us there. I just don’t put the work and energy into doing it like I could. My Masculine side keeps telling me that it’s unimportant in comparison to doing tasks and making a living and proving myself to the world and finding a man and bla bla bla. Those things ARE all very important and I ought to keep reminding myself that they actually work better when I DO take the time to find my authentic feelings. My power to act feels so much stronger then.

    Were I to find some other use for the time that I spend on the Internet, looking for answers from outside myself, every day, I could probably be 10 goddesses. 😀

  29.  #29gina on February 21, 2009 at 1:20 am

    I feel frustrated. I started a relationship of sorts with my boss. I work as a cocktail waitress on the weekends – I don’t value the job a ton, so I wasn’t super worried about ‘professionalism.’ We agreed to have an exclusive sexual relationship, but then 2 days later, he said he’d “text me in a minute” about whether he was coming over that night – and he never did. All these weird feelings are coming up – I want to punish him. emasculate him. control him. I guess I’m angry. I saw him tonight (at work) and, indirectly, I did try to punish, emasculate and control him a little bit. He seemed a little wounded, but we never had an actual conversation. I guess he’s one of the ‘unaligned’ ones. I see why relationships at work are dangerous – now I’m stuck seeing him every week. I feel attracted, yet I want to “know better.” Do I just let go and, if he comes to me, see what’s up? Or, do I do what I’m tempted to do, and put up a defense? I know the answer is to be authentic, but , I feel angry, and yet I consider my anger unjustified, since he just showed me that he isn’t that into me, and I learned that I ought not expect anything from him. I just feel an urge to tell him “No more sex for you! You blew it!” how do i resist the urge without passive aggressively giving in to the urge at the same time?

  30.  #30alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 1:30 am


    anyway. reshi you’re a MAN MAGNET. heh. must be doing something right.

    i always wonder what i would do daria if a man swooped in and proposed. ehehm or even asked me to be his girlfriend since none of my exes could even manage that term. i am such an ideal romantic want to beleive in fairy tales person i wonder what i would do? or sometimes i wonder if ALL my exes came back at the same time and all wanted to claim me what i would do. i actually looked uo on the internet to see if it is legal to marry more than one man. (uh nope) but

    for now i am circular dating. i suppose it will work itself out. i would be happy with sex with someone special and safe and ah interesting the word committed wanted to follow. i am not comfortable with casual sex right now. i used to settle for that bc i never thought i’d find the whole package. but i don’t feel like settling for that right now. i feel completely uninterested in that. been there done that.

  31.  #31alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 1:38 am

    gina LEAN BACK. NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES. take a hundred bubble baths. go workout. blog. journal. take a dog for a walk. read a book start a business. whatever it takes to Lean Back. (ah =lm feeling triggered. my meddler my meddler is on the loose)

    ok. deep breath. gina i feel confident that if you lean back you will have more clarity, like yourself more, get more in touch with your feminie energy etc etc.

    also if (i mean When) he does approach you. try and use I Feel messages.

    also you may want to riff it out bc there’s ALOT GOING ON FOR YOU (all caps error! hey i’m a meddler!)

    ah deep breath.

    i feel more on solid ground, more clear and more confident after riffing. also i will discover my BOUNDARIES when riffing. and then i can use i feel staetments and i don’t want statements to express myself.

    how do you FEEL? what do you want?

  32.  #32Daria on February 21, 2009 at 1:52 am

    Hi Gina, I feel super interested in what’s going on for you for some reason.

    I understand that you feel angry. It would feel good to see you lean back until he comes to you and then give him a power speech about your feelings.

    I CAN SOOO relate to the urge to attack him that you feel. That is my defense too and it feels so strong for me when I feel triggered, and I can totally imagine feeling triggered in that situation.

    A tool is to use this space or a journal to write down what you feel and then remove all non feeling messages and references to him until you are left with feelings and don’t want’s.

    Here’s a power speech I made out of your above message:

    I expected a call or text back from you the other night, and I felt really uncomfortable when that didn’t happen. I feel so weird, I feel tempted to put up a defense. I feel angry. I feel like I want to punish you and control you, and I do Not want to do that. I feel attracted, and I feel unsure of where you stand and I do NOT want to pressure you. I feel I don’t want to put myself out there emotionally and sexually until I feel comfortable. What do you think?

    Ok this power speech you would say it to him a piece at a time, and wait for his response.

    If you want you can write it and put it up here and we will tweak it for you so it can be Rori feel message and non-attacking style as much as we know.

    There is a lot more I bet you feel and could say too, regarding sex and what you feel that means to you and what an exclusive sexual relationship means to you and other stuff too.

    I feel you can learn a lot here and I feel very curious about your process…

    BTW remember you are wonderful and this is practice, so it doesn’t have to be perfect, u can use it as a learning process…

  33.  #33heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 1:58 am

    I feel lazy. I feel like a lazy leopard in a tree, stretching out, yawning and settling back down again. My muscles feel tight and achy, stretching and staying in my super soft bed feels kootchy mmmmmm. I feel amazingly connected, I feel amused and excited imagining meeting you all in real life.

  34.  #34Daria on February 21, 2009 at 2:12 am

    HEhe I love the feeling imagining heartbeat as a leopard. IT feels so warm and sexy. I want to feel like a leopard too. i feel very connected here ….

    I feel addicted to this blog and feel glad that it is a Good thing to be here. I want to use it in my EFT as my resource state… like “I want to feel as attracted to working on my business as I do to Rori’s blog”

    This is our Siren Island.

  35.  #35alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 2:21 am

    oooh our siren island. yes. oooohhhh ilike that. and already heartbeats got her leopard self her chosen man. and reshi’s got all kinds of men hitting the shore.

    our siren island. that is vivid. damn if i were a man i get how enticing it would be to want to crash onto the shores of a siren island.

  36.  #36heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 2:22 am

    O hey Daria – (leopard sits up for a moment, eyes bright, whisker twitching) – I wanted to say THANKS for mentioning EFT on Youtube – I looked it up after reading one of your comments.

    I’m smiling at Alias Girl’s hickie 🙂 I’ll give myself one later. Hey and I’m thrilled something I wrote was helpful, that feels reassuring and wow.

    Stretch yawn settle down in my fullsome branch again….

  37.  #37heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 2:24 am

    and roll on my back in the warm sun of Siren Island 🙂

  38.  #38Tracy on February 21, 2009 at 6:19 am

    well i feel overwhelmed…..i feel all i have been learning on this blog is actually starting to work..i feel light and happy and i feel blessed..i aslo feel scared and worried about this new me…i feel shaky..worried that theold me is going to sweep right back up…
    My x texted me and said he’s misses spending time with me…How about that for Leaning back for 2 months…i read that text countless times..i felt i was mistaken i felt it wanst surely happening to me…i feel like a diva goddess right now..not because of what he said but because of how i feel about what he said..i feel he’s right.I am fun and exciting…i feel powerful and a good way…I texted him back and i told him that we had some really good times back then and i was happy to have experienced it…that was what i felt at the moment…
    i feel so different now…i have so much male attention i can’t even keep up…i never thought in a million years this would ever happen to me…that i would feel so much at peace with me..that i wud date so many men and i’l feel confused as to whom i should go out with…it feels so different and liberating…i don’t feel stuck to any one man anymore…i don’t feel like i have to have a man to make me happy…i am slowly appreciating the concept of having and waiting for a man to claim love me and appreciate me…and i am learning to accept all the love and affection and just leaning back…it feels easy and feels right…
    I read this blog alot and i love the comments and experiences that people put across..i decided to share this because i felt it might encourage someone.. trigger some good thoughts..i feel blessed to have known all of you…
    I am learning so much each day..i feel at home here and i feel inspired to grow to an even better person..i feel encouraged..Lots of hugs..

  39.  #39heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 8:47 am

    Tracy I feel different too, and I really notice how I do and say things in a different way without trying. I used to feel afraid of ‘slipping back’ too, and sometimes I gave myself permission to slip back towards my comfort zone – but I feel changed on a deeper level in a way that can no longer revert. I feel happy reading your comment!

  40.  #40heartbeat on February 21, 2009 at 8:55 am

    I feel ready to stop blogging for the weekend now. I feel worried that sounds self-important. I feel worried that sounds like I’m running myself down… I feel doubtful. I love my worry and tangled up thoughts. I feel cute…. dangy dooby… I’m gonna go and kiss myself all over 🙂 🙂

  41.  #41gina on February 21, 2009 at 10:46 am

    Thanks so much for the feedback. how bout this…?

    “I felt weird when I didn’t hear from you after you said you’d text me. I like you and I feel attracted to you, but I don’t want to be in a physical relationship where I feel unsafe or uncertain.” (allow him to respond)

    If he accepts my feelings and takes care of them, I can say something like…

    “It feels good to hear you say that. I felt very defensive before – and it felt bad. I like you, and I don’t want to push you away.”

    However, If he is defensive in response to my feelings, I can say something like…

    “I just want to feel secure with whatever relationship we have. Our main relationship is a “work relationship” – I like working here, and I don’t want personal weirdness to get in the way.”

    I’ll see him again tonight. Wish me luck! Thanks again for the feedback!

  42.  #42Katja on February 21, 2009 at 11:30 am

    Good luck to you Gina! Let us know what happens!


  43.  #43Daria on February 21, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    YAY Gina… !

  44.  #44Daria on February 21, 2009 at 1:42 pm

    Gina I feel compelled to mention listening at level 3 to what he responds (which you seem prepared for). Also sometimes you can use What do you think? to engage him to respond, although most likely he will respond even without your asking. I feel really sweet and kind saying What do you think (when I remember to) to a man because I am imagining giving him an invitation to be manly and share his thoughts with me.

  45.  #45alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 2:33 pm

    i feel grateful to be reminded about asking what do you think? i really want to develop a sincere curiousity and interest in a man’s thoughts since his thoughts are as important to him as our feelings are to us. i often forget to ask this and i like how daria reframed it as an invitation for the man to be manly.

    also i feel compelled to suggest taking the reference to him out of gina’s mini speech. and say i feel

  46.  #46alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 2:38 pm

    weird when people say they are going to call and text me right back and then they don’t.

    i’m not sure if it makes a difference but sometimes if people feel blamed an immediate defense response kicks in. i mean you both know what he did and what you are referring to but this way it stops you from blaming and also allows him that space to accept accountability for his actions.

    i feel like a meddler. rgh. i feel confused.

  47.  #47alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 2:55 pm

    when i start to feel emotionally close to someone i go blank, shut down, have an urge to ignore them, sometimes even feel fightful (ahhh new word i like it) or aggressive.

    i feel very excited about the work i am going to do with emily bc it is already bringing a tangible awareness that i feel in my body of my fight, flight, freeze responses. i feel very grateful i have all the money i desire in my life to do everything i desire in the Now. 🙂 aaaaaaah i feel good about that. i feel easy and open about that.

    why i choose the men i choose is becoming more and more clear. and how can i be angry when they are so similar to me in their responses and fears? i feel such a deep compassion and love. when someone is turned from me i feel safe and miss their company. when they are turned toward me and too close i feel very defensive and out of body and i can’t think straight and shut down and over compensating with false behavior so i can at least appear socially normal. i feel great love and compassion for myself as well.

    mercedes if you are still reading i want to say how grateful i feel you spoke your truth. by doing so you shifted this blog to a new level of trust and boundaries. i feel it could be a safe place for you to explore and experiment as well.

    so today i asked myself what would be my ideal day if i had a boyfriend. and the answer was i’d like to go hiking and maybe catch a movie. so i am definitely going hiking. i’l see how i feel about the movie later.

    what would be my ideal task if i were in my ideal career?

  48.  #48Daria on February 21, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    I feel excited to write! I really feel inspired by Alias Girl’s question what would be my ideal task if I were in my ideal career…

    I spent a lot of time in bed last nite trying to EFT my cold and also trying to find out my heart’s desire, Kelly had said earlier that if I am working on my heart’s desire inspiration will come. So my heart’s desire I was feeling really down about this one because I’ve always thought I was “stuck” in the past, because my heart’s desire was to go wake up and be called to come outside and congregate with other people and have fun and it would be 1. outside 2. there would be other people and new people would also be able to come 3. I would feel connected and 4. free.

    So this is what I remember from a particular day being 5 years old when I felt very happy that my friends had come to my grandma’s balcony to call me outside and play.

    Also I felt this way a lot a few years ago when I had my group of guy friends and we would hang out in front of my friend that become my LI’s house. I felt really good and brought my girlfriends over there and everyone was having a wonderful time, we were a big group of people and it was outside and the air smells like mountain air over there and so fresh.

    The past few years our group has drifted apart and in the past months I have not been there due to leaning back on LI.

    I felt so hopeless about my heart’s desire because it seemed to me that what I want is impossible because it is like turning back time and being 5 again, then because “no one adult does these things” and “there is no place where people do this anymore,” even in my home country. So I would feel longing and sadness and shut down. I practiced very hard to convince myself that it may be possible and now have done a decent job of that in that I am considering that it IS possible, of course people can congregate outside somewhere and feel connected even as adults, and if that is my heart’s desire than dammit it is ok.

    Also I realized that what I want to do in life (at least one of the things) is something like magically heal people so maybe energy work. My name I read somewhere means “the one who brings the light” or otherwise read as “the one who brings the good” so that’s what I’ve been trying to do since I found out, I would try to bring the light in the lives of other people. Now I am trying to bring it to myself so I can radiate without trying.

    So my ideal task would be to do some energy work which I do everyday for fun anyway. Yay. What I want is to have confidence that I can do it for others. So in order to do that I will continue to do it for myself.

    Also for years now I’ve been wanting to live 2 years in Brazil. I just was inspired to do that and it is still with me. Perhaps there are places there where people come outside and congregate and get connected… that’s what is inspiring me? I’m sure there’s places like that everywhere but for some reason Brazil resonates with me although I’ve never been there.

  49.  #49alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    i feel excited and enthusiastic when reading about daria’s vision for herself. seems totally possible from my viewpoint/perspective. it reminded me of people gathering after a church congregation. in fact there’s a unifaith (write word???) church in los angeles that after the last service there’s like a mini fair with some food stands and people selling art etc. (the church is called agape in culver city. and hey the founder is michael beckwith who is one of the guys from the secret) so maybe some healing center with a min outdoor faire with godessy daria milling about and people clamoring for hugs from ms daria. xoxox

    i just had this riff/ dialogue with myself ( i did offline bc it was a mean angry voice) but it was so interesting.

  50.  #50alias girl on February 21, 2009 at 3:32 pm

    crazy cell phone just goes and posts before i am done.

    anyway probably just as well. it was interesting to me bc it’s about ME. but maybe not so interesting to others. esp in the retelling. anyway. i feel like i am becoming whole and aligned with what i TRULY desire. not what i think i desire. i feel goooooooooood.

  51.  #51Ann on February 21, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    I LOVE reading this blog. The vibes I feel from the post today are so energized. I just wished my body felt more energized. However, today my body is saying take it easy. I’ve already took one nap, which is something I rarely do.

    I love the lazy leopard and siren island images I have in my head now. I had put out a intention to get a sketch pad and characoal pencils “someday”. Well while on mini-vacation I found both at a extremely good price. When I feel up to it I plan to draw a island with a leopard on it.

    Good vibes to all

  52.  #52gina on February 22, 2009 at 4:34 am

    okay, just got home from work. Interesting night. After disrespecting him last night, tonight is the least attraction I have ever felt between us. It was also cause it was very busy at the club. At the very end of the night, he offered to walk me to my car, but he made a point to leave his car door open as he walked me down the street – as if to suggest that his interaction with me would be brief. But then, some people he knew passed by and he went off with them after waving bye to me. A few minutes later, I called him, which I’ve never done. Went something like this…

    Him: “hey, what’s up?”

    Me: “hey. I just feel a little awkward about everything, and I just want to clear the air so we can be fine at work.”

    Him: “What do you mean? What part is awkward.”

    Me: “I felt weird when I didn’t hear from you after you said you’d text me this week. I wasn’t sure what was up. I felt defensive, and I think i was a little mean to you last night – I feel bad about it. I don’t want to treat you that way.”

    Him: “Earlier this week? Yeah, I wanted to come over, and I planned to come over. I just got belligerently drunk that night and ended up not coming back into town. I should have texted you. I’m sorry. And last night, I didn’t consider you mean at all. I figured you were just being sarcastic, and I didn’t take it as mean.”

    Me: “Well, I felt defensive. I felt uncomfortable and uncertain. I guess maybe things with you went too far (sex), and now I just want to make sure things are cool so we can be fine at work.”

    Him: “I obviously enjoyed what we did (have sex), and I hope it won’t be the last time. I planned to come over. I really wanted to see you. This week, I was trying to figure out how to make a plan to hang out with you sometime – I was looking forward to spending time with you just to hang out – I love talking to you, definitely: I’ve just been insanely busy. When I got your text, I was looking forward to coming over – I was excited about it. I screwed up. I’m sorry.
    Me: “It feels really good to hear you say that. It’s just, if I’m in a physical relationship, I want it to be fun and easy, and I need to feel safe and secure.

    Him: “And you also have to keep in mind, I’m a busy individual – on top of running a club, I’m helping open another club, and I have a kid. You have to give me the benefit of the doubt.””

    Me: “Oh I get that you’re busy, and that’s fine. I’m talking about what I want, and what I’m up for. I’m not up for feeling uncertain and insecure. For me to be in a physical relationship, I need to feel safe and secure – and part of that is being able to trust you to do what you say you are going to do. When I didn’t hear from you, I felt stupid for asking you to come over, and I felt like I just wanted to be as far away from you as possible. Like, if we didn’t work together, then I wouldn’t want to see you. I wanted to hit you.”

    Him: “What?! Look, I screwed up. I should have texted you – I screwed up and got drunk. I’m sorry.

    Me: “No harm no foul. I’m just letting you know, that I want it to be fun and easy – I want to feel good.”

    Him: “

  53.  #53gina on February 22, 2009 at 4:43 am

    Dangit – premature post. Any hoo….

    Him: “you’re right. In a situation like this there should be no conflict. I’m sorry i made you feel that way.”

    Me: “thanks. Well, I feel better now. One more thing – I regret that I invited you to come over. I felt like I was chasing after you, and I didn’t like it. I won’t do that anymore.”

    Him: “No…I liked it. I just got drunk and ended up staying there. I should’ve texted you. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”

    Me: “I feel better now.”

    And we said bye. So, there you go. I had a pretty good conversation with a guy who is basically unavailable and has a tendency to get drunk and screw up. And yet, the conversation itself was progress. Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. I didn’t get to read your advice till after the fact, darn it. The part about not blaming him is making me wonder whether I was too hard on him. I have to say, though, it all felt good, and I feel fine now. I do feel basically safe and secure, and like the air is clear right now. I feel good. onwards and upwards!

  54.  #54Frances on February 22, 2009 at 10:32 am

    My husband left almost 6 months ago. I have worked hard on myself since he left. I was dealing with total unworthiness because of childhood things I went through. I feel like a different person on most days now. He, on the other hand, started an exercise program and has dropped 30 lbs. So, I feel like I have worked really hard on my insides and he has worked really hard on his outside appearance. I am not saying that it is a bad thing that he is working on his outside appearance but I am just saying I think we are definately at different places emotionally. He makes no effort to contact me except through texting and email and he gets online and initiates chats when he sees me online at yahoo chat. I don’t understand. He says contacting me this way takes the emotion out of it. I think it has become a cowardly way of staying in touch with me. I have quit replying to everything except the online chats because it felt so bad. He almost always said yes when I asked him to get together for coffee or a visit in the past but I have quit trying. It started to feel like I was chasing him and it felt bad. Recently, I asked him if he was ever planning to come home. He responded by saying, “I don’t know.” I said, “If you are not planning to ever come home then please just say that,” He said, “No, No, No, I didn’t say that, I am just not sure.” I feel as though my life is in limbo. I am past the horrible curled up in a fetal position phase and I feel as though he is waiting for me to say, “It is over,” so he won’t have to. Has anyone else ever faced this same type of scenario? I feel like I am being a fool to just sit and wait on him. I just got offline from chatting with him on yahoo chat. He saw that I was online so he initiated conversation with me. I get so upset now when we chat online. It feels so bad to me. It is so plastic. So, I told him I had to run and signed off. I was very upbeat but inside I do not feel so upbeat. I have hope for many things but the hope I had for our relationship seems to be fading and that makes me feel horrible.
    Thanks for listening.

  55.  #55ms on February 22, 2009 at 10:41 am

    What to do when the guy you thought you were friends with becomes involved with your daughter. It was supposed to be a friendship between them. Stuck between rock and hardplace.

  56.  #56gina on February 22, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Ms, were you romantic with this guy? How old is your daughter?

  57.  #57cookie on February 22, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    i seriously messed up with my guy this weekend but i forgive myself because i’m human and i will get back on track and keep doing what i have to do.

    i had to take some harsh criticism from him about me and the pain he has felt in this relationship. i tried to listen and not get defensive but some of the things he said triggered that part of me to want to fight back. i don’t know fully how to redeem myself once i go there, so i just get quiet, which may be the right thing i don’t know. he says he is resentful that i don’t listen to him about his plans for us, like having a baby and living with him. he says that he has been trying to move us there for the past three years. i never heard him before, i don’t know if he said it but i don’t remember hearing him before. but then he started comparing me to other women that go out with his friends. I don’t apologize for being me cuz i don’t want a man that i have to get credit for or give my money to. i work hard and i don’t ask for things like that from him.

    he said that i’m too independent for him and that if i wanted to move on he wouldn’t hate me. i wished i said ok, you’re absolutely right. but i didn’t feel that way, honestly, i always know that i can attract many men and get some guys to want to be with me. but i don’t want a thousand guys, i want my one guy. and i would lying to him and myself if i said that i didn’t/ don’t wish it was him so then i can go on and have the life i want. (although later on i was able to deep breathe and remind myself that he is not my end all) Despite knowing what i know i leaned way super forward and went over to his house even though he said he wanted to be alone, afterwards, i felt like i disrespected him. i shouldn’t have done that and I feel/felt apologetic. i told him i shouldn’t have come. he said that i must have some issues with myself or unresolved issues with him since i bring up stuff to fight about. I guess i do, last night i was triggered after a receiving a text from my friend that just had a baby and another college friend that i found out was also pregnant. i was feeling angry because i had a party to go to and a whole closet of clothes that I can’t fit and i couldn’t find anything to wear that i felt comfortable in. he called at the absolute wrong moment and i just threw it all on top of him. I felt really wrong for that. It’s like I do that to antagonize him and then get some drama started so i can have someone to fight with. it’s not his fault that i gained all this weight. it’s not even his fault that i haven’t really dated anyone else but him in these last seven years. because honestly i didn’t want to have a baby until i was done with school and was making the kind of money i feel i need to support a child.

    i am afraid of commitment, the whole package deal, i am afraid that the man will leave or stay and be gone in spirit. my man says that i have his heart. it felt good hearing him say that but i didn’t say that instead i said i want more, like his mind too. how ridiculous is that? what is wrong with me? sometimes it’s like i shoot myself in the foot. i don’t want to sabotage love, i want the whole love. i’m starting to hear some of the nagging qualities of my mom which i can’t stand. sometimes i look at him and i’m so sick of him but then other times when i stop judging him, i see him with new eyes and fall in love with him all over again.

    i told him I am trying to lose this weight but i don’t want to do it for him i want to do for me, that’s the only way i can. he said that i let myself go like this once before and to him it makes him feel that when things are good between me and him, i feel like i don’t have to do any more work and that is why he has a problem with it. i guess i can respect that. but i told him that making me feel bad about it doesn’t encourage me. plus i feel i am still sexy and lovable even at this size.

    i felt like a disappointment, like maybe my toxic negativity has hurt this relationship beyond repair. i mean i know it takes two. but i also know that he came in more damaged and broken then me and it was my responsibility to stay strong and secure and true to myself and i feel in a lot of ways I lost sense of that, so he can’t feel strong and secure and true to himself with me. i feel worried that i have leaned on changing him so I don’t have to change myself. but i also have faith that i will get the life i want regardless of what happens between us. today, i said that i felt proud of us for not getting into a screaming match last night, it felt like progress.

    i feel like alot of what i wrote here sounds like me blaming myself and beating myself up but it feel to me like owning up for my own toxic energy and being self reflective. in a way, though he is angry and mean sometimes, i feel like i learn alot from him as he is the closest man to me and is my mirror. i told him i forgive him for all the things that have happened but mostly i forgive myself for not knowing how to be in a relationship, that i am learning like everybody else and i’m not perfect. and i’m okay with me, even my stubborn, uncontrollable self. i told him that i always intend to respect him but i don’t want to be controlled or to even feel like someone is trying to control me, because that makes me want to run away and i don’t want to do that.

    later on he admitted that he doesn’t feel right when i’m not around and he wants me there every night with him. i don’t think i can manage. but i said if we lived together we could (maybe i should not have said that part).

    i have to go back and study rori some more and remind myself what to do and how to be. its taking a really long time for me to completely let go of all these really bad habits but i don’t think i was fully aware of them before and at least with rori i can see myself so i know where to start. but it’s a journey, and i know that i will make mistakes.

    i really do need some advice on power speeches, cuz i think i talk too much and i would like to cut to the chase better, please help, if anyone is reading this. thanks

  58.  #58Linda on February 22, 2009 at 8:37 pm

    I think that many times spend so much time in our heads that we are not fully aware of our heart. Then when someone confronts us or a situation challanges us we may feel like we blew it because we did not respond to something that was said the way we wish we would have. Most times it is after we have a while to think and feel our way through situations in life we are able to say what represents where we are at and what we are feeling.

    No matter what allow yourself that time it takes to process… maybe letting a bit of time to pass before we go to responding to someone or beating ourselves up for what we have done or not done.

    Be gracious with yourself. It is a gift we can not only give ourselves but others as well.

    I have been mulling over this post from Rori. I truely do not know what I think about this. I was married to a good man for 29 years whom I never felt passion or frankly attraction for. We lived well together but in the end I felt that I had settled. I dont know maybe I didn’t but it was not till I had met someone whom I was so attracted to and felt so much passion for that I just cant bring myself to “settling” into a relationship where that is not there. I do think that things like that can develop over time, but in my case it never did in my marriage.

    When a man’s energy is coming toward you (lets say it is someone whom you are not really interested in) it often feels uncomfortable. I get this “flee ” urge accompanied by a nausia. I have often used that as an indicator that I need to get away from the person. When I got married I was nausiated for days. Like feeling homesick. I was really confused by my feelings and inwardly very concerned. Was my inner being telling me something that I had to settle or shut down in my mind? I dont know for sure. I do know that in the end I left my passionless marraige in search of it and when I found it I was so happy. Unfortunately the relationship was destroyed by his own hands by cheating and lieing to me. Is it better to be in a safe secure place with no passion or… can you have it the whole package? That is what I want.

    I have been seeing a man a bit now that I really an not attracted to. I am waiting to see if anything developes but I just dont feel it for him . He shows great interest in me has great forward energy coming toward me… seems to have the qualities I desire but….I am not attracted to him and I want to flee yet I enjoy his company when he is not talking about a future with me.
    When he does I wanna put on the breaks go away.

    I am just not sure about things developing between people… given the history of my life. Yes we can need and be attracted to different thing at different times in our lives but if you dont have that attraction that draws us in…what is the use of sticking with it.?

    THe jury is out on this one for me. Linda

  59.  #59Ann on February 22, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    Cookie a BIG CYBER HUG coming your way. I don’t have a power speech for you but you reminded me of my daughter so much at the end of your post when you said:

    “i really do need some advice on power speeches, cuz i think i talk too much and i would like to cut to the chase better, please help, if anyone is reading this. thanks”

    Sometimes she uses ALOT of words to say what she’s feeling. And I tell her whether she’s talking to me or someone else, that sometimes she uses so many words that her truth sometimes gets lost or confused in there because she’s saying so much I’m not sure what she’s trying to say.

    Sometimes I do the same thing. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from.

  60.  #60alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 9:23 pm

    cookie i feel proud you are making progress. it’s not all overnight but it never is. you are changing and transforming and from what it sounds like your man is keeping up with you. i feel encouraging for you to keep with rori’s tools. i feel a little happy dance inside me that things are shifting for you. mistakes are ok.

    linda i feel interested in your interior dilemma as well. but i feel we can HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP WE WANT. i don’t feel moved to settle by rori’s suggestions. i feel open to giving men a chance i normally might not and feel curious to see if passion does devlop. if it doesn’t. and you want passion. then move on, yes?

    i feel i am getting better with my meddler instinctsand turning them into useful feedback but not quite there yet. i feel patient with myself.

  61.  #61Daria on February 22, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    Ooooh I feel really intrigued and a bit sad reading Linda’s experience. I feel very resistant to settling. I feel very desperate and afraid of “having to” settle. I feel interested in Alias girl’s take that we are allowing passion to develop and if it doesn’t we move on… I feel inspired that Alias girl is on the right track.

  62.  #62gina on February 22, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    alias girl, I don’t think you are meddling. people post on here cause they want to know what other people think. And you are a reliable responder – I really appreciate that about you. It’s nice that you are concerned with how people receive your feedback, but I definitely appreciate you. In fact, I admire you for giving the time and energy to read and consider people’s posts. I definitely have more of a tendency to be self centered – I think it’s cool that you are interested in other people’s lives. It seems like you have a lot to offer in terms of helping people gain insight.

  63.  #63alias girl on February 22, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    i feel embarrassed. i feel heat rising into my face and head. i feel undeserving. i feel like a spotlight hogger. i feel weird breathing. oooh i feel deep breath.

    thank you gina. ah i feel more heat. i feel tears. i feel a weird thing with my mouth pulling on both sides. i feel too much energy in my body. argh. i feel angry. i feel like making a fist. hahahahaha. i feel like laughing. ohh. i feel confused. i feel laughter again. omg. i feel nutty.

    i feel giggling. heeeheee.

    i feel appreciative of gina’s words. i feel like i am being petted when someone gives me kind words. i feel embarrassed again. phew.

  64.  #64Daria on February 22, 2009 at 10:25 pm

    I feel giggly. I love feeling “petted.” I feel happy for Alias girl. HEEEE… purr.. I feel petted when Alias girl calls me super riffer… hehehehee

  65.  #65gina on February 23, 2009 at 10:48 am

    Ladies, I’m kinda ticked about that guy I described above. I’m sorta confused about the whole feelings thing. Shouldn’t I judge him? or at least the situation? Cause if i go by my feelings and I leave myself open, I will find myself attracted to this unavailable, unreliable guy, and I will probably sleep with him again. If I judge him, i will decide that he is not worthy, and I will reject him. Isn’t that “controlling the outcome?” and not being “surprised.” My impression, and please tell me if it’s false, is that we should never really reject a man, but only tell him how we feel so that he may determine the outcome. I guess I just answered my own question. That is exactly what I should do. My pride is making this difficult! I still want to punish him. I want to punish him for not making the most of the good deal I offered him. I guess I’m just mad at myself for selling myself short.

  66.  #66Daria on February 23, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    Gina HUGS!!! I feel interested What is the message here for you here?? I feel concerned Why do you think you are “selling yourself short”? Is it because you slept with him faster than you are comfortable with? Or before you felt emotionally safe? ( I don’t know, just guessing here) Don’t sell yourself short and ESPECIALLY don’t beat yourself up… I feel a lot of hope for you in feeling better with this using Rori’s tools because I feel like I did majorly and I feel I really resonate with your situation.

  67.  #67Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 3:57 pm

    Linda said “When a man’s energy is coming toward you (lets say it is someone whom you are not really interested in) it often feels uncomfortable. I get this “flee ” urge accompanied by a nausia”…I feel that too! What is it, that nauseous feeling and what does it mean? How can it be used? I feel convinced that there is something there to use…if it feels gross, maybe it goes back to the “what is the message?” question and asking oneself “WHY do I feel gross by this man giving me attention?” Is it because one still wouldn’t feel comfortable receiving attention from a man, and therefore PINING after someone we’re afraid will not give to us is still our default? I don’t know…because we DON’T have to MAKE the relationship be anything, including a non-relationship, the responsibility of responding falls on us…”I don’t feel comfortable with________” or “I don’t want to kiss you/hug you, etc….”

  68.  #68Bethany on February 23, 2009 at 4:31 pm

    Gina, I feel anger coming from you. I feel that is such a tricky emotion, but really transformable, and I feel that the best way to deal with it is to do all the Power and Self Esteem posts here, in order, and really riff and channel it. It feels so much better to go into anger and then use the energy produced when its channeled into something positive instead of wallowing in it, and acknowledging anger is a step, but for me, acknowledging anger is a far cry from transforming it. Worlds apart.

  69.  #69gina on February 23, 2009 at 6:30 pm

    I think I sold myself short because I haven’t had sex in three years, and gave it up for a guy who gets drunk and screws up. I feel angry with men in general. I often feel bigger and smarter than guys. I watched an interview with Rori – she was awesome. Other than the interviewer, who I think is gay, there were 2 other men present. Rori was definitely the biggest, strongest person there. She used the tools and was glowingly gorgeous – she had the men eating out of her hand. But all I could think was how dumb the guys were. I know there are sexy big strong men out there – times that I am in the presence of masculinity, I feel girly, free, fun and beautiful. I just crave masculinity , and find myself angry with the shortage – and then I diminish it further with my wrath. With certain men coming towards me, I feel that nauseaus queezy feeling, too. It’s like my whole being rejects letting that man close. Yet, sometimes I do let those men near, and then I alternate between feeling contempt for them, and then guilt for not appreciating how “nice” they are. Like the other day a guy was flirting with me. He was telling me I’m smart, and I was thinking he was dumb. And when I pulled away cause he was getting closer and closer, he started to analyze me. He said that I’m “hard.” I felt more and more disgusted with him, and then he was reduced to whining about how things got so “uncool” between us. I think I’m good at analyzing, but I’m totally scared of riffing. I feel like I just don’t want to dive in and let my feelings free. It feels scary, and there’s burning in my eyes, and I feel silly that I struggle with feeling soft and girly. but I want to feel girly and that feels like aching. I feel sad. I feel lonely. and vulnerable. And angry that that guy isn’t what I need. I feel impatient. I’m so tired of waiting. even if it isnt in the form of one glorious Man, I want manhood. I want manly loving powerfull goodness all around me, and I want to be loving, creative, fun, and beautiful. I feel willing to let men in. i feel scared of letting men in. They are bigger, and they want to penetrate, and I feel I need to fight them. But I think if they knew how I feel, that they wouldn’t be trying so dumbly to penetrate. Maybe they would know how close to be. Maybe if they didn’t sense a wall, they wouldn’t try to break it down. Maybe if they saw open, inviting vulnerability, they would respect it and take care of it. and that would feel good. I’m taking the wall down, and I’m putting myself out there, and I don’t have to fight, I just have to speak.

  70.  #70Reshi on February 23, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    Gina, I feel inspired by your post. I feel like if every woman took down her walls and treated herself with love and respect, eventually every man would get a clue and improve himself. And then we would have heaven on earth and amazing, wonderful relationships and everything would be F’n awesome. 😀

  71.  #71Daria on February 23, 2009 at 11:39 pm

    Wow Gina I feel awed by your Riff. That felt REALLY interesting about how different men feel and epecially the wall. I feel glued and I feel tingles running down my leg.

  72.  #72cookie on February 24, 2009 at 9:59 am

    Dear Frances,

    I feel compelled to suggest to you that has been given to me in my situation from all these wonderful ladies: you try dating yourself and then Circular Dating as he is living his life, it is important that you stay true to yourself and keep living and exploring your options.

    Although I am not married my relationship of seven years sometimes has been a case of him leaving and me feeling lost, afraid, scared, etc. In those times of uncertainity, I turn to myself and get involved in things that i like. I take classes and learn new things. I usually get involved in fitness and work on my body, although i have been slacking right now. My guy always comes back. Maybe I shouldn’t let him get back in, but that’s another story.

  73.  #73Frances on February 24, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    Thank you Cookie for the thoughts. I really appreciate it.

  74.  #74Linda on February 27, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    What to do with the uncomfortable nausia? What does it mean. Why does it take over and all I want to do is make it go away.

    Have you figured anything out Bethany?

    Frances… my heart goes out to you. I dealt with a similar situation. It is so hard to love someone that once made you feel so wonderful and now it feels so rotten. I know I lived it. A few months have passed since I lost a relationship I wished to last the rest of my life. Before he totally left me… he kept me hanging. In my life but not like it used to be.. should be or what I needed, wanted or deserved for that matter. I put up with it… all the while feeling worse and ugly. Selfworth was zilch and I could not fix things. This is what I did. I faced some hard but good truths.

    I read when a man is not sure what or who he wants it is a very good indication that he does not want what he has. period. I had to accept it and not bargin that he was just confused and would really see my worth and want me in his life. Before he was gone totally… I felt awful when I saw him or heard from him. His “new” style of communication and what he said upset me and made me feel unvalued and rejected. He was capable of so much more and had given me so much more than he would offer then… I was devistated by his rejection. I had to stop allowing his insensitive behavor to matter and cut me.. I was bleeding to death. I had to face that deep down inside me I did not trust him becasue of things he had done and I did not want to admit it.

    In other words I had to face reality. What was good was now REALLY BAD and TOXIC for me. THe one thing that brought me so much happiness at one time now represented only pain and sorrow. I HAD TO REMOVE IT and CLOSE IT OFF FROM MY LIFE. No more contact, no more hoping for something that wasnt, no more remaining open and allowing myself and my hopes to wound me over and over. I vowed if there was ever communication again is was gonna be how I wanted and on my terms.

    Learning to love myself and put myself first was my biggest lesson to learn. Discovering how I feel and what I want in a relationship and making sure I get there was imperative. I cried, still do sometimes but I am much stronger and moving forward. I had to learn how to love and care for myself and the journey was a tuff one.

    If you feel awful when you talk to him stop . Maybe it doesnt have to be forever, Maybe you are just a place of comfort for him and he takes for granted that you will be open and accept him no matter what. Is that what you want and need for yourself?. It is so hard to close it down totally but if you do maybe you will be able to fully understand what you feel, need, want and devise a plan to get it happening in your life. NO one deserves crumbs not even if you are on a diet. Be your best friend, listen to your inner voice and find your peace in the misdt of the change and the termoil.

    I did….and I did not think it was possible.

    I am pulling for you Frances…. blessings Linda

  75.  #75gina on March 8, 2009 at 3:46 am

    I’m upset. My car was towed tonight. For the SECOND time in a couple of months. I hate that I’m so dingy! I’m smart about figuring stuff out, and artistically expressing stuff, but I’m often absent minded and clumsy – I hate it. As I wondered around downtown searching for my car, I thought “I can never get married. Cause I can retell this story about how I have no idea where my car is, and I can make it kinda funny. But I would Hate to put a man through this kind of aggravation because I would lose hope that he would love me through all the dumb stuff I do.” Also, a situation played out that almost confirmed my fears, and shed light on another ugly situation:

    Last time my car was towed, my boss, who I have written about, was a total hero. That night we made out for the first time, and since then, (as mentioned) we had sex. I was hoping we could have a fun easy relationship, but then he didn’t contact me when he said he would, because he was out getting “belligerently drunk” – I let him know that it bothered me that I didn’t hear from him, he apologized, and, aside from a mild undercurrent of attraction, we’ve cooled in the weeks since.

    Tonight, my car was not where I left it. I looked and looked and could not find it. Called the city pound: they didn’t have it. Kept returning to where I was sure I left it: wasn’t there. I asked a valet: he said that a whole block full of cars had been towed, and gave me a number to call for the local private impound. I called, and got some weird generic message. So, I called my boss because another guy at work has the inside scoop on this private impound. He said, “you got towed AGAIN?? jeez…” he said he would ask his friend for me. I wished I hadn’t told him: not only did he not get back to me about the impound, he knew that I was right around the corner from where we work (where he was drinking with coworkers), and he didn’t suggest that I come back inside, he didn’t come outside – nothin. Not that he owed me anything. But it just felt awful to be out on the stupid street at 2:30 in the morning, with gross creepos harrassing me, knowing that a stupid guy who I recently slept with, who had been such “a hero” in the past, didn’t do anything at all to even remotely help. I feel weird saying that, cause I felt uncomfortable asking for help the first time – he insisted. This time, I didn’t expect him to go through the whole charade with me, but my feelings are hurt that he didn’t take care of me at all. I feel so weird saying that – like I just shouldn’t expect anything at all from him. I’m confused, cause I shouldn’t expect anything, but I guess that I do, because I got mad and sad about it. My friend picked me up and took me to the impound. Then, when I finally got home, my boss called. He said, “Did you find your car?” I said, “yeah.” He said “where was it?” I said “it was towed.” He said “Towed? A second time?? Jeez, woman!” I said “Shut up. At least I didn’t get someone pregnant twice, and that’s worse. So shut up.” I’m sure this came as a surprise to him cause I’m known as “nice” and “soft spoken” at work, and I doubt he knew that I am aware of the abortion and illegitimate child he’s responsible for (His baby’s momma has been telling me details of their past, which is awkward – she doesn’t know that we were sorta seeing eachother). I doubt saying “shut up” is the Rori way, (even though I enjoyed it). And writing about it like this, I just feel like the whole scene sucks. I know my weaknesses are glaring me right in the face, but I’m having trouble seeing it clearly. I just reread this post. and I’m sad cause, I thought that I was revealing how idiotic I am for having my car towed, but really I’m revealing how little I think I deserve, cause why shouldn’t I hope that a man would take good care of me? I think that’s a good question: I sense that I have a major blind spot, that is hazily coming into focus. Or, maybe I just need to get my act together, or else I’ll never deserve a man.

  76.  #76Flipper on March 8, 2009 at 7:10 am

    Gina – keep that Siren where it belongs, as an accurate description of yourself,(and not on the top of some @!*# towtruck). The Rori way is simply that YOU DESERVE it ALL – the good man, a happy life, compassion and support, no matter what. Ditziness, getting the tools right or wrong, overthinking, “laziness”, messing up thru mistakes or a mean streak ARE ALL IRRELEVANT. YOU DESERVE THE BEST OF EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT. I feel this. You do, too, deep down. Those feelings are expressing the absolute TRUTH, so let’s feel good about it and believe it. Big hugs from Siren Island (a guaranteed no impounding zone).

  77.  #77gina on March 8, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    thanks, flipper. I feel better today. I am thankful I got my car back. I am grateful that I can now completely release that guy. I am grateful for the lesson to be more aware of my surroundings and to take good care of myself. I am grateful I have a good friend who did come to the rescue. I’m glad to have this site as a resource in tough times. sending good vibes to all…

  78.  #78Linda G on March 18, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    I can’t seem to get ontot he right blog stream to get a response. What is the proper response to a man who I’ve been emailing from match for over a month, who lives a few staes away, promised to come up this saturday for a wonderfully romantic day and then cancels, saying he is sick and we should make it in a few weeks, he will write more when he feels better.I know i invested too much ebnergy ionto this very passionated imaginary relationship, but it is disappouinting nonetheless, as I ma having a hard time being attracted to any of the men , dozens, I ahve dated and met online. I’m sure part is a safety factor for me to open up to someone long distance. I’m not sure iof I pushed him away after he initiated the idea and plan for the meeting by putting limits on our encounter, i.e. I would not go to his hotel room, it would be cheesy, his words, not mine. All I could think to say was I feel so disappointed we are not going to see each other, I feel sorry you are sick, whenever we meet the magic will be there, and I said I leave that part up to him. I want to stay in my siren/diva self. and I did a very long riff last night to myself before bed. but I keep getting into these imaginary things, craving the excitement and romance. I am trying not to be that girl that cries “gotcha, mine!” after I get some interest that I truly am attracted to.
    what do you think?
    Linda G

  79.  #79Florencio Allmond on November 29, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Hi, first of all, I would like to let you know that I think it’s a superb weblog you have here. What I wanted to ask is, I haven’t figured out how to include your blog feed in my rss subscriber, where is the link for the rss feed? Many thanks

  80.  #80Rori Raye on November 29, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    The RSS feed is the purple button down at the bottom….Rori