From Heartbreak To a Fabulous Date – How Free Therapy Works

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date-linedrawingThis is a quick post that will take you through the process of Circular Dating when you’re actually still seeing a man you love, feeling heartbreak, and where “dating” is the last thing you feel like doing.   Ellen is going about this step by step, and making some mistakes I correct so you don’t have to make them!:

“Rori, Okay I am much better today.. much better. I made a pact with myself prior to going to bed last night that I would have no more bad bad days… I would feel it and let it go . It worked wonderfully/ I still get pangs here and there some of them are mine and I know some of them are his. When I recognize a feeling that is not my own, I just let it go… when I “know” it is him I just say… No Don… this is yours not mine” and it leaves me.

So I received the Reconnect Your Relationship CDs and they are great. I had to drive for work today so I was able to listen to nearly the whole program. It is my favorite of the 3 I have.

I have a dinner date tonight which I am looking forward to the practice. I will try to use a lot of feeling messages but don’t guys think … weird she is saying “feeling” allot??  I have been asked out for a couple more coffee dates and I will accept one for this week. I cannot be dating every day… number one I am still learning and number 2, I have my daughter who I want to spend time with too.  Ellen”

Here was my answer to her:

Ellen – you are doing great! I’m totally impressed with what you’re doing here, and so happy you’re feeling better. It may take you a few days to feel natural with the new language – that’s why the boring, toady men come in handy, you won’t care how the practice goes…I think you’ll be surprised how quickly you catch on, and then all we have to do is “tweak” – you go girl!

It’s all free therapy – so do as much of it as you logistically can. Remember to write down what you felt, the Tools you used – so that it FEELs like therapy and all about YOU and not about any dating success thing…Love, Rori

Ellen wrote me again, to update me:

“Thank you for the support, Rori. The date went well… and I did use a few of the tools which made me feel powerful and wow… he really stepped up to the plate. It was amazing… he kinda fell all over himself.  Listening to your Reconnect series… wow… I did EVERYTHING wrong with Don… I mean EVERYTHING.

This guy last night… he did stay overnight, but I told him no to naked and no to sex that I just did not feel comfortable with that since I don’t know him that well.  I am not sure it was a good idea to let him stay, he may of been a little distant this AM so I may or may not hear from him again. Overall the date was a success though. I think I have had enough for this week.. if I get asked out for the weekend, I will accept. I need to spend some time with my daughter, Ellen”

Here’s what I wrote back:

Ellen – you ROCK!!

Now – okay, you had a long date that lasted overnight. Please don’t do that again.

I want you to focus on SHORT dates- no longer than ½ hour for the first – a coffee meeting or a walk with the coffee, a speed dating evening so you get a bunch of 5 minute experiences – let’s see how fast you can “connect” emotionally – while all the other women are doing “get-to-know-standard-stuff” – you’ll be Feeling Message and authentically speaking the truth in the moment and practicing… (okay – special occasions, or you can experiment with longer dates…but those will not do the job for you here as well as a LOT of short ones.)

The point is the “therapy,” the practice…not whether it goes well, but what you’re learning.

Sometimes it’s going to go “icky” – and that may be the MOST powerful lesson…so don’t judge the experience…just experience it! – and practice. It will take ALL the pressure off you, and then things can HAPPEN without you TRYING to make them happen.

There are some very specific instructions here for Circular Dating when you are actually “dating.”  The same principle goes for simply saying “Thank You” to a strange man who does something chivalrous who opens the door for you at the coffee house, or smiling at a man who’s looking at you, or responding with Feeling Messages to a man who starts talking to you in the middle of a line at the dry cleaners.

(Also – I left in Ellen’s references to my Reconnect your Relationship program.  Each of you will have your own favorite, the one that sings to you most in the situation you’re in right now.  There’s so much in Reconnect that’s unbelievably powerful and nowhere else in my programs…I’d love to know how each program you have works for you in different ways…)

It’s all just “Practice.”  Circular Dating is designed to take the pressure off yourself, so you can focus on just doing the Tools and letting them do the work FOR you.

Let me know how your specific moments are going with Circular Dating, and we’ll put together a faq on it together!

Love, Rori

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121 Comments

  1.  #1Ann on October 10, 2009 at 4:56 pm

    It’s encouraging to read how others are finding happiness.



  2.  #2alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 12:05 am

    i feel uplifted. circular dating takes the pressure off everybody in my (thought-based. thinking-boy) opinion.

    i feel so much freer now having experimented with this circular dating thing.

    if i were a cheerleader i would do a cheer for circular dating.



  3.  #3Tracy on October 11, 2009 at 3:43 am

    I feel grateful ofthis reminder…..its always good to see how circular dating helps women become more in touch with themselves…
    For me it was a wake up call that the universe has the capacity to bring forth anything that i want…and that there are and will always be more than enough men to date,marry and have wonderful relationships with…thiswas the best lesson for me and i feel grateful that i keep feeling better each day…
    I don’t even have to look anymore…men just keep wanting to talk to me…I feel the magnetism i generate and it feels amazing…thanks rori…



  4.  #4Symantha on October 11, 2009 at 4:30 am

    Thanks Rori,
    My status, breackup still on contact with my ex and trying to step to the circular dating scene. Help!!!



  5.  #5Tina on October 11, 2009 at 4:39 am

    I have to admit , had I known this about a year and half ago, I would have saved myself a lot of misery. I did go on two dates while I was in my “imaginary relationship” but I felt awful, I felt like I was “cheating,” I would have handled it in a totally different way. I felt dishonest, just plain awful about it. What I was attempting to do was called “circular dating” OMG! I didn’t know this at the time and there were certain guidelines to follow. Wow haha. There was no intimate/sexual stuff going on when I went on these dates, just a feeling like I was cheating somehow. I had even cancelled one potential date with man #3 because I felt I had already gotten sexual with 1 1/2 year man. I feel like such a dummy. My experiance has been that the level of men I am attracting want to rope me in to some form of commitment straight away and secure free sex and my comfort, without having to do any work. This is where I am feeling my resistance, I feel this now. One of the mistakes I made was getting lazy and not wanting to date anyone period, another mistake I made was not putting value into my feelings, leaving me vulnerable to get “roped” into yet another dead end relationship or relationships that were not serving me at all for example, one night/two night/weekend stands. My feelings is what makes me who I am, I’ve come to learn wooohooo I say fck them! lol I put a high value on my feelings, I expect my “forever” will too and wont have to ask , why I say “my feelings” all the time. My experiace has been when these guys ask that question, I start to FEEL resistent, like I am their to serve their purpose and not mine. I could be wrong thats just how I feel. I have a date this afternoon.



  6.  #6Mary Ann on October 11, 2009 at 9:09 am

    yay Tina…I call that a “light bulb” moment..lol..when something just becomes clear all of a sudden.

    People keep asking me why I don’t invite “him” over when I have get-togethers at my house…I just say its his job to ask me for my time. I get called stubborn..told that I need to help him a little bit. My friends just don’t understand…even the guys tell me this.

    have fun on your date Tina 🙂



  7.  #7Tina on October 11, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    There was nothing “discreet” about this date at all, we ate at a very busy restaurant, he sang to me in an open gazebo, we strolled down the street with coffee, he sang to me again on our way back to my house, I came home hm. I felt relaxed , we laughed a lot about stupid stuff. He asked if I wanted to go to Europe, sure I said. I didn’t take him seriously of course, kinda like oh nice day huh? yeah nice day. He dropped me off three hours later, and here I am. I was having a dilema about keeping it to a 1/2 hour date, he suggested going out eat so that was out.

    Mary Ann, luke warm tap water, lol remember that oh and some toast no jam and out the door he goes. Circular dating ROCKS!



  8.  #8alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    circular dating rocks! yae tina! i feel INSPIRED!!! xoxoxox



  9.  #9Mary Ann on October 11, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    lol..luke warm tap water is gross!! I don’t want luke warm water or men! that feels good 🙂

    Tina , your date sounded wonderful!!

    Alisa girl…you’re inspiring!

    I’m off to a pig roast…I live in a big city..so its funny that I have been invited to a pig roast in the city lol!!
    Also, I’m in Canada..so Happy Thanksgiving!!



  10.  #10alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    hah I feel inspired that i am inspiring, mary ann!! enjoy your pig roast and canadian thanksgiving!



  11.  #11alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    guy who asked me out on thursday for sunday (today) just called. (i hadn’t heard from him since thurs and he never set time or place or anything. )

    ??? he left a message that he was available after seven and to call him back. ???

    and i was like, who are you again?

    i feel very excited there are so many other and yummier and more kingly men in my rotation. i feel very happy to be in my life and going about it the way i am going about it. i feel very happy to have all of rori’s tools and wisdom and experience that she shares.

    i feel good to let this one go. i don’t feel we match up. i was hoping for reason for cancellation anyhoo. i feel good i got exactly what i had hoped for!!!!

    i feel good that the quality of my men has gotten higher. the quality of my life has gotten higher. the quality of job offerings has gotten higher.

    i feel good. and grateful. thank you.



  12.  #12alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 3:44 pm

    i didn’t actually say to him, “who are you again.” actually i didn’t take the call. it went into voicemail.

    i don’t feel like calling him back. i guess i’ll just see how i feel about it later.



  13.  #13Simply Shannon on October 11, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    I feel exhausted at the moment (drove back from the beach – a 5 hour drive – zzzzz) but I wanted to write a short note shouting my praises for circular dating. It’s a GREAT way to get past being stuck on any one particular man! I will admit sometimes dating lots of men can be exhausting but the quality gets better and better as I go along. (I’m working on dating myself a little bit more so that I don’t feel so overwhelmed.) I still feel closed off to men when I don’t have any physical attraction / chemistry for them. I have fun doing whatever we’re doing on the date but it lessens my enjoyment. It’s almost like I feel angry because I’m spending time with this man instead of someone I might actually consider dating. I’m noticing this is me feeling impatient about not having a man in my life and about me not being able to control the outcome. Trying to become aware of this when it’s happening.



  14.  #14laughing goddess on October 11, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    Alias girl: I feel so happy and satisfied reading your posts. I feel proud of you for knowing your value. I feel satisfied that your life is improving and you are attracting quality men. I feel confident, and proud, and hopeful, and happy

    Simply Shannon: I feel interested reading your post because I often have similar experiences when circular dating. I have fun with what we are doing and I try to stay open to them, but ultimately I rarely feel attracted. I often feel angry, annoyed and impatient. I feel hopeful hearing you say that the quality gets better as you go along.



  15.  #15Linda on October 11, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    My circular dating often leaves me personally uninspired. My heart seems to be gone, although I know where it is.

    I have been getting emails from Mr Scrutiny. I have not responded to them except today I think I will. This last one said… What’s it do to you when you seem my picture out here( referring to the dating website we met on)…. I thought and felt my through it and wrote. My heart and soul are stirred everytime.

    I got a response tonite. It said ‘I get a dart shot in the heart everytime I see your picture. THank you for being so good to me. Be careful and protect yourself. then some stuff about our the births of our soon to be born grandchildren. His 6th my first….. hmmmm

    I am puzzled…. I wrote back…. “Darts everytime? Reading those words makes my heart feel like it might explode out of my chest. Could it be that I have something very precious of yours? I know that you have something precious of mine because I dont have it anymore….. sometimes things are not logically understood but can only be felt, and when we let ourselves really feel them… understanding comes”. He said that something has been messing with him… I believe I know what it is. Time will tell and always yields fruit.

    I admit I was feeling like something was gonna break for
    the good with an “us” as the winnings. I feel curious and hopeful. I feel disappointed and a bit let down at the same time. I need some reconnect tools,….I dont have any…. help

    Linda



  16.  #16alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    so non committal-never-set-a-date guy texted me at 6:30

    he wrote

    “i called you and you didn’t call me back. i guess that means you don’t want to date.”

    i had completely forgottwn about him. again.

    i felt …well my face made the face when you smell something bad or just sucked on a lemon. so whatever that feeling is. i felt that when i read his text. i did not respond back to him.

    maybe i “should”. but i don’t want to. i don’t feel like it.i felt unconsidered.and not special. and anot pursued. and not pleased.

    i feel good about me and my life though. and other guys i’m attracting



  17.  #17alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    thank you laughing goddess. i feel supported and appreciated and that means ALOT to me! i feel so good that my progress is noticed and cheered on. 🙂 yes indeed that feels really good. 🙂



  18.  #18Linda on October 11, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    I just got his response to my remail I wrote about here a couple of posts ago…. it simply said” you’re so clever”…. hmmmmm I guess he was agreeing with me and admitting that he gave me his heart and …he knows it now… and that ….. oh sheesh lol I get his sense of humor usually. I admit I need it in plain spoken english and black in white this time.

    I am going to bed! If you goddesses have any advice for me type away. I will get on here tomorrow after work.

    Hugs to all Linda



  19.  #19laughing goddess on October 11, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    I feel so happy that I have been practicing feeling messages. I feel pleasantly surprised that using them feels much more natural.

    I feel hopeful that it will continue to get even easier.



  20.  #20alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 8:59 pm

    i feel very supportive laughing goddess! i feel light hearted that feeling messages are getting easier and more natural. sometimes i don’t realize how i feel til after the moment but is still good practice to be checking in with myself and the more and more i practice the more in-the-moment i can be with them.

    even with the grocery clerk. which is really good practice because i tend to go all boy and business like. so it is a great opportunity to practicefor me. i actually feel under pressure because there are people behind me and i have to do the whole paying transaction so to actually get an authentic feeling message out at that moment feels like higher level practice than feeling messages via email with online guys.

    of course the highest level practice is with a man i like who just did something i am not particularly thrilled with OR he just did something i am very thrilled with. feeling messages can be

    huh what silence

    in those moments.



  21.  #21alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    hi linda. i have no advice. the man is on your horse.

    i’ve got a man on my horse. he pops into my head and i toy around with the idea of him(currently in *imaginary* status) .

    but i also forget about him a whole bunch and live my life moment to moment as joyously as i can.

    i feel free from Any expected outcome. i feel happy to be surprised by all the wonderfulness that shows up in my life and the people in my life.

    but yes. that man is still on my horse. with two others in the shadows of time travel. i realize that doesn’t make sense but it feels right. two other men from my past that i place into my future sometimes and try them on. i would sign up with any of the three if they showed up like a rowing man who treats me like a goddess. otherwise they are fantasy creatures. one on my horse and two in the shadows of time travel.



  22.  #22janjune on October 11, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    alias girl
    …i like that expression:
    “two other men from my past that i place into my future sometimes and try them on. ”

    yes, yes i have done just that so many times.
    great way to explain that feeling…
    it makes me feel sick, like i’m wasing so much of my time TODAY. And i AM.
    I don’t deal with today when i do that and don’t appreciate the content of today either. I have wasted so much time “trying on” things for the future instead of making today count, enjoying today no matter what is going on.
    I feel a change.
    I feel a shift.
    I feel a slight movement of perspective into something very important…
    I think just this peek will bring change.
    I don’t want to try on things from my past for my future anymore. I’m wasting today. I want to live in today. And accept it just as it comes to me. And seek the opportunities in it.
    janjune



  23.  #23janjune on October 11, 2009 at 9:36 pm

    alias girl:
    i would sign up with any of the three if they showed up like a rowing man who treats me like a goddess. otherwise they are fantasy creatures. one on my horse and two in the shadows of time travel.”

    Yes, rowing the boat. And we are actually WITH them.
    Otherwise it’s all just a fantasy in our own minds.
    ooooh now that sounds kinda creeepy! But there’s nothing tangible if they don’t show UP. Rowing. Nothing but a fantasy.
    I’ve wasted so much of my time…..
    janjune



  24.  #24janjune on October 11, 2009 at 9:38 pm

    But I’m not wasting it anymore.

    ThankU Rori.
    ThankU goddesses.

    Janjune



  25.  #25alias girl on October 11, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    yae janjune! i feel the light filtering in. so lovely lovely. thank you.



  26.  #26janjune on October 11, 2009 at 9:48 pm

    alias girl,
    you’re Welcome.
    you are an inspiration and a blessing.
    janjune



  27.  #27janjune on October 11, 2009 at 9:59 pm

    oh, and i thought up another date to take myself on.

    I have asked myself out for next sunday after church to go to the art museum, after i take myself out for a cup of Turkish coffee.
    i am really looking forward to it.
    i dont have nerve enough yet to take myself on that dinner date with myself.
    janjune



  28.  #28janjune on October 11, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    tina,
    i loved your song in the funky soup a few posts back.
    Girrrrrl you were rockin’!
    janjune



  29.  #29Flipper on October 12, 2009 at 3:17 am

    I am just trying out what I could say if I was in Alias Girl’s non-confirming guy situation (so this has nothing to do with her response – I feel happy that she managed it in a way that felt good to her). I want to do this for me because I have been a crumb-taker and I want to hold out for the whole enchilada (these are hard to come by in the place I live, so for me this expression isn’t so hackneyed as it sounds ). Because I am spontaneous and love deciding on what to do at the last minute, I have been too understanding of potential rowers’ off-handedness with me.

    So, if Mr Dater doesn’t come up with timely specifics after I’ve agreed to see him, I would want to take his belated call (unless I was happily engaged elsewhere) and be ABLE NOT to cave just because he’s finally gotten around to it. (I would feel annoyed by a text and not bother to respond, prolly the same for a non-commital phone message.) I might say: “I was looking forward to getting together with you, and when I didn’t hear anything more about it, I was feeling my anticipation peter out.” And if he comes back with this or that, i might say “I wanted to be sure to have a good time today, …so I’ve made other plans” (if this is true) or “…and not knowing didn’t feel so good, so I feel like passing this time.”

    What do you think? Feel free to tweak, or share what you have said/would say? This last-minute semi-flaking seems to be the norm these days, so I feel sure we’re all running into it.



  30.  #30Flipper on October 12, 2009 at 3:26 am

    Boy bit: for anyone who likes hard-evidence that what they’re feeling is real and serious, recents tests have shown that incertitude feels far Worse than actual pain.



  31.  #31Flipper on October 12, 2009 at 3:30 am

    Tweak to myself: “I want to Feel Sure I’ll be having a good time today, so I’ve made other plans.”



  32.  #32Tracy on October 12, 2009 at 3:31 am

    “So, if Mr Dater doesn’t come up with timely specifics after I’ve agreed to see him, I would want to take his belated call (unless I was happily engaged elsewhere) and be ABLE NOT to cave just because he’s finally gotten around to it………………….”

    Flipper….totally love that phase…I’ve also been a crumb-taker……i am finally beginning to forget how that feels like…..
    I feel interested to reach a point in my life that i feel so much of a Goddess that i can express my anger and i can decide whether to meet the guy up or not depending on how i am feeling about him….
    Maybe i can say….
    “I felt bad when you didn’t call up as we had agreed and so i decided to do something fun for myself….I’d love to hoop up with you and it would feel great to hang out sometime but not today….maybe on the side i could tell him to join the queue and pick a number…….
    okay that would be the nasty side of me….
    Feels good writing this down…i feel like a rock star…
    I feel good that i don’t have to take crumbs no more…amen to that….



  33.  #33Flipper on October 12, 2009 at 3:38 am

    Amen to that, Tracy.

    And yae to JanJune for a museum date with herself – sounds delightful and a good place to cross eyes with quality rowers. Monet’s “Boating Party” anyone?



  34.  #34Simply Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 5:30 am

    Laughing Goddess: It feels difficult to remain open when my instincts just aren’t feeling it. And I’m trying really hard to trust my instincts. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do or feel anything I’m just not feelings. So far, the ones I’m not feeling any chemistry for, I tell them that. I had one guy then ask me if I wanted to basically be friends with benefit. I thought “what part of ‘not attracted to you’ do you not understand?”, but I said “I don’t want friends with benefits if that is what you were implying”. He said “we would have had fun, but good luck with your search”. LOL! I’m giving each man his fair shot but if there’s no chemistry, there’s just not any chemistry.

    The guy I had the scavenger hunt date with I felt some chemistry with right away (cute guy and more my physical type). And then because he had done all these things for my date, I felt even more attracted to him. He was ROWING and I felt very turned on by the end of the date.

    So, on the one hand, I trust my instincts and if there’s no chemistry, this is just a basic physical reaction and it’s okay to say no thanks if I’m not feeling it. On the other hand, with Scavenger Hunt guy, the attraction really grew because he was rowing. So I can see how it can grow, but some chemistry has to be there.

    AG: I feel impressed by your ability to not respond when you don’t feel like it. I would have a hard time not saying something back, but it would really be because I would want to use the opportunity to use feeling messages and see where it went. Not responding feels closed off to me (not an opinion about you choosing to respond or not – just about me).

    Shoot. Gotta run. Back later. Shannon



  35.  #35Mercedes on October 12, 2009 at 8:30 am

    Rori: “The point is the “therapy,” the practice…not whether it goes well, but what you’re learning.

    Sometimes it’s going to go “icky” – and that may be the MOST powerful lesson…so don’t judge the experience…just experience it! – and practice. It will take ALL the pressure off you, and then things can HAPPEN without you TRYING to make them happen.”

    For me, this is the key to all you teach. It is the true meaning of “lean back” and it is what changed a lot for me and for my relationship (along with setting rock solid boundaries of course). Thank you.

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  36.  #36janjune on October 12, 2009 at 9:20 am

    good one tracy!!
    “….maybe on the side i could tell him to join the queue and pick a number…….”
    lol!
    janjune



  37.  #37janjune on October 12, 2009 at 9:26 am

    simply shannon,
    i couldn’t remember who had the scavenge hunt date so thanks for updating—that sounded like FUN! and a fun guy to be with. where did the scavenger hunt finally end? I feel intrigued by this date.
    it was good to hear there was chemistry for you.
    wonder what he’ll do next?!
    janjune



  38.  #38Mary Ann on October 12, 2009 at 9:27 am

    I think i’m going to plan a date with myself for the art gallery..I have been wanting to go for quite a while now. I’m going to wear something cute and treat myself to a really good coffee and maybe even buy something at the gift shop!
    I’m excited!



  39.  #39Tracy on October 12, 2009 at 9:35 am

    I feel more energized today….I have made a pact with myself to strive and live a life that feels good to me…a life that i really want…I feel more hopeful that the goals i am setting are achievable and i feel that i am attracting good and better things in my life….I feel that my hapinesss is no longer determined with what i hope to achieve but that i can feel happy just where i am…
    I feel excited that i can have any man i want and any life i choose and if those circumstances are not available then i am going to create them…



  40.  #40Tracy on October 12, 2009 at 9:46 am

    Mary ann……you go gal…..Hugs!enjoy it…



  41.  #41Simply Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 9:50 am

    Janjune: The date was so much fun!! He had me go to a coffee house and ask if they had something for Alabama Worley (the character in True Romance). When I got there, he had left me a note to “Alabama” saying to buy something savory to eat (he left a gift card for me to use) and then come meet him under the Main Street Bridge (it’s at a park downtown – 2 minute walk). I met him (CUTE) and we sat in a swing nearby and chatted for a little while. Then he made reservations for us at a great restaurant up the street. AND the waiter came by at some point and asked me “do you like to have pie after a movie?” which is also a line from the True Romance movie! He had asked them to say it to me when he made the reservations!! WOW, WOW, WOW!!! I felt GODDESSY and so special. He planned all of that for ME. I couldn’t believe it. Then he drove me to my car and we talked some more at my car. And lastly, he kissed me but it was so cute because it was like he wasn’t sure. Just a hesitation. I knew he wanted to really bad but it was so endearing. I just stood there smiling at him and tilted my head. GREAT kisser. I let him kiss ME (something else I’ve been doing instead of focusing on kissing back).

    After I left, he texted me the sweetest message and asked when was the soonest he could see me again. In this case, I had to say no to his first two offers (I already have plans!) but accepted for next Friday. And would you believe he texted me the next day offering to buy me a drink to take with me when I was driving to the beach that day?!? I met him for like 10 mins (it was on my way and I had to stop anyway). He brought me a drink and we chatted. It was soooo cool!

    So for now, my focus is keeping myself in check about this and not making more out of it than it really is. Not doing anything more than I’ve been doing. Continuing to circular date and go on with my life.

    I just felt amazed and renewed about the whole dating thing after going out with him. I wanted to met a few guys that I truly want in my rotation and not just endless first dates with “blah” guys. This one definitely renewed my faith!

    Perfect, perfect date. 🙂



  42.  #42janjune on October 12, 2009 at 10:08 am

    flipper,
    i know just what you mean about being open to saying yes to things on the spur of the moment. that’s how i live my life in my free time, but guys just simply take it the wrong way. They think we’re desperate, not spontaneous.

    I love the way you worked though what you would say if you were in Alias Girl’s place with a Mr. Non-Committal Guy of your own:
    “(I would feel annoyed by a text and not bother to respond, prolly the same for a non-commital phone message.) I might say: “I was looking forward to getting together with you, and when I didn’t hear anything more about it, I was feeling my anticipation peter out.” And if he comes back with this or that, i might say “I wanted to be sure to have a good time today, …so I’ve made other plans” (if this is true) “.
    Thanku for sharing Flipper! will be using it when those inevitable times arise.

    when my one and only guy in my rotation called on THURSDAY to ask me out for SAT. night, I said no, i can’t go.
    he said when can you? I thought about it for a minute bc i had things planned with mySELF already, a night out with friends, busy weekend —nothing on Sat night— but busy Fri, busy Sun, busy Mon. So I had already made plans with myself for Sat to take care of myself, catch up, pull the loose ends of the week together –so I just stuck to my original plans and said No.
    I thought to myself “You don’t ask a goddess out for a big Sat. night date on Thursday!! You ask her on Tuesday to make sure you get her, to make sure nothing else gets in the way, to secure your place if *you* actually *care* about being the one who gets to spend that time with her…”
    He just mumbled, “well, when can you go.?” I said “Tuesday afternoon.” He mumbled something about “that long?” and I said, “Yes, that’s the first time I can really spend time with you. I want to be “with” you when we go out. Present. I don’t want my mind to be somewhere else. And that’s the first time I have where I know I could do that.”
    He sat there for a minute thinking and then I think he got it. That even though it’s not the Sat. night going-out on-the -town date he felt like he wanted, *I* was trying to make an honest connection with him. I didn’t know whether he would reject it… it felt suspenseful sitting there waiting… then he sounded pleased! Like “Oh you want to spend time with ME and talk to ME and pay ATTENTION to ME and not have your mind wandering to a dozen different things you didn’t get done?!! (he knows my situation) Oh, … Okaaaay!! 🙂
    He has been so cool to be around. Really the first man I’ve ever been around who acted like this …that I ever paid attention to… I always seemed to go for the “hard to get” ones for some reason I’ll figure out later.
    But for now this is feeling really good and I feel attracted to him for his manly ways and his apparent attraction to a woman who is in Girl, plus I feel secure and wanted even if I’m not (by him) bc I am making mySELF feel that way, so I know those feelings will stay whether he stays or doesn’t stay.
    janjune



  43.  #43Mary Ann on October 12, 2009 at 10:09 am

    Shannon…what a wonderful way to spend time with someone! Cheering for the boat rowers..its amazing what a man will do if we just let them…sometimes its really good…and surprising 🙂

    I realized something the other day when Tina said to make eye contact and hold it for 5 or 3 seconds…I spent years having to avoid eye contact and learn to be cold and un-approachable. This was for 2 reasons..I lived in a neighborhood where the guys were kind of aggressive. If you looked at them like that, they would come over..and give you unwanted attention. The other reason is, not to sound full of myself, I didn’t want to encourage nice guys where there was no attraction…I would always feel really bad rejecting men. Out of fear and guilt I shut down my siren self.
    I realized it’s not my fault if people like me…I can say no nicely to the ones who deserve the niceness.
    When I go on my date with myself, I’m going to practice eye-contact…and smiling…watch out boat-rowers here I come lol!!

    Tracy..thanks! hugs too you too..i feel excited for all of us sirens 🙂



  44.  #44janjune on October 12, 2009 at 10:12 am

    yes mary ann,
    let us all know how your date with yourself to the gallery goes!
    mine with myself isn’t until next sunday, but i can hardly wait! I hadn’t thought about buying something for myself in the gift shop that’s a wonderful idea!
    janjune



  45.  #45Mary Ann on October 12, 2009 at 10:13 am

    Way to go Janjune!!
    “…plus I feel secure and wanted even if I’m not (by him) bc I am making mySELF feel that way, so I know those feelings will stay whether he stays or doesn’t stay.”

    LOVE love love this!!



  46.  #46janjune on October 12, 2009 at 10:23 am

    simply shannon,
    oooooh, i felt goose bumpy reading about your date! ooooh what a cool man! is this Mr. Vulnerable?
    oooooh, i *like* him.
    and buying you a drink to take with you to the beach! how cool! that just puts the cherry on top of a perfect date!
    so glad to hear about the goddesses on Siren Island attracting such high-quality men!!
    love, Love LOVE it!!!
    janjune



  47.  #47Linda on October 12, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    How is it that men can be so cruel. Come in reslice open an old wound…. I want him in my life all the way or nothing!. This sucks…. I should have never even responded. He just wants to mess with my head and my heart.

    What do you do when you love someone and you walk away because they say they dont want you. I believed him… but he keeps coming back and messin with me. I knew he has things he needs to take care of in his life, and he is doing it but why keep contact with me if he is not interested. What in the world !!!

    I am pretty upset today. my friend at work said he is just keeping you on an emotional line. I just wanna be free. How do you unlove someone? I dont pretend well. I love him. I logically know all this other stuff my the deeper part of me it is still there. I have tried and tried. I just want to be happy. Shoving this on a shelf and dusting around it… ignoring it… packing it away, tossing it in the garbage…. it is still there.

    I feel infected.

    Linda



  48.  #48Simply Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 12:42 pm

    Linda: Is this Mr. Scrutiny that you mentioned above? I feel empathy. I feel the same way about A. I “love” him but the rest of the other crap feels so bad that I’m not really sure it’s love anymore. I believe it’s my fear of being alone, and I’m calling it “love” to justify why I keep torturing myself. My plan for now is to give him the attention that he deserves (na da) and to keep circular dating. If I fill my schedule, then I make it so I don’t have time to think about him. And once I do that enough, I really won’t think about him because he’ll be a part of my past, not my here and now. It feels awful to cut the strings but right now it feels worse to hang on. ***I*** am creating this imaginary relationship. He’s out living his life and keeping his iron in my fire as a just in case. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A “JUST-IN-CASE” OR BACKUP PLAN.

    (((HUGS))) I feel the hurt in your post.



  49.  #49tinque on October 12, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    Simply Shannon – Wow! Wow!! Wow!!!
    Too cool….
    xxoo



  50.  #50Mary Ann on October 12, 2009 at 12:57 pm

    One thing I did learn a long time ago was that just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to be with them. I think this is what Rori means by the horse and that they can be on your horse but you and your horse are still moving toward your goal. Eventually you’ll kick him off your horse and he’ll be the shadow for a while and then maybe he’ll be gone or maybe he’ll be there for a long time. You can still move forward and love someone else whether he’s on your horse or not.
    I broke up with someone 10 years ago and he’s still on my horse sometimes, and sometimes he’s completely gone, but I will never be with him again..I don’t like how ***I*** feel when I’m with him.

    Sirens..do you agree? I only have the e-book so I’m learning through the blog…



  51.  #51Natalia on October 12, 2009 at 1:01 pm

    Dear Rori,

    I have been reading your articles about circular dating and it is all right what you say but, what happens when you’ve done and gone though all these methods and still doens’t work???



  52.  #52Linda on October 12, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Yes the is Mr Scrutiny. I know that I love him. I wish i didnt. I have had no contact and ignored his emails gave him no attention.

    The trouble is when I date, he is in my head and m y heart. I even go out with a guy more than once, even if I dont feel an attraction for him to give it more than one chance in case I am subconciously sabatoging myself and blockin attraction some how. Nothing has worked. Then all the sudden I get that email Friday… and when I decided to respond… he admits how seeing my picture affects him and wishes me well? Then further admits that I have figured him out and that he has lost his heart to me but does nothing about it?….I DONT GET IT!

    I was so upset I guess I riffed on the last blog post… responding to something Janjune wrote there…. I need a hug a real deep loving hug.

    I feel all thinky and boyish…. and I am sitting here crying… crap!…. I want to drive to his work and confront him to his face!!!!! I am tired of acting better and bigger than that!…

    sheesh sorry… I am a mess I feel crapped on again, I deserve so much better.

    Linda



  53.  #53Linda on October 12, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    Yeah… I am NOT a back up plan !….

    If you dont care for a person, then why would you admit that when you see their picture you get a dart in the heart everytime!….

    I feel like curling up in a ball and puking all at the same time. I have these thoughts…”why am I not enough”? I hate that old recorded message. Where is the matches I thought I already burned that tape.

    Linda



  54.  #54Simply Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 2:59 pm

    Ann: I feel empathy about dating and still having another man in your head/heart. I completely get this and I have a similar resistance because of it. I’ve had the exact same thought regarding 2nd/3rd dates. I’ll go even if I don’t feel excited about it, mainly because I don’t trust myself anymore with A still in my head.

    Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am working through it slowly but surely. I prayed for a great date the other night and I got it. I’m going to keep doing that and hope that my memory erases A or at least makes him just a blip on my radar. (((HUGS)))



  55.  #55Flipper on October 12, 2009 at 3:03 pm

    Oh Linda, how I feel where you’re at, crap and all. Why, how can he be like that? Because all that stuff about you makes him feel soooo good – in the moment – but it can never make him feel good about himself. Only he could do that, and apparently he can’t, so he keeps coming back to the best ‘fix’ he ever had. And he doesn’t care about the consequences to you.

    My superfluous horserider is not so active, does not actually taunt me, but I KNOW he gives himself a little shoot in arm thinking of me (I can feel it). I used to think I felt ‘flattered’ and at least I left good memories. To hell with that! Crap; as you so rightly name it! I am getting Nothing for it, so I’m practicing taking everything back. “No more secret smiles for you, buddy – No, no, no I don’t care if what You do is Your business. You get these feelings because of me, and I don’t want to be your muse.” Then I imagine all these pretty, multi-colored gift boxes lying around empty, trampled and mostly forgotten at his feet. And I take back the exquisite gifts, one by one, carefully retying the bows and attaching them solidly to the belt on my goddess gown. Sometimes I can still feel a thought coming my way from him, but the boundary is up and is getting better and better at fending it off. As he isn’t rowing, I will NOT tolerate waves.

    Big, deep siren sister hug.



  56.  #56Linda on October 12, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Thank you Shannon. Thank you Flipper.

    I want to win for once. I still want what my heart yerns for. I know that people come together and make things work. I believe in the empowerment of love and its maker. I just want it to happen for me this time.

    I thought that it was just about to happen, that finally something had happened and turned his heart to set his feet into action. Well if there is ever a time that that happens. I did not want to be bitter and mean and hard. I want my heart to stay soft and open and receptive. I feel it closing up like it used to be when I was little. I was lonely then and am just as alone now. Sure I might be the best fix he or others have had…. but it needs to be my turn. I feel empty and I dont have anything to give.

    I gave God all this a long time ago. He miraculosly pulled me out of such a bad situation at work and has secured me a job that exceeds what I could have hoped for and given me people around me that admire and respect me and my abilities. This man… I gave the whole thing to God too and my prayer was to not let this man even attempt to contact or come back into my life if He had not taken care of the issues in his heart. I guess I had faith that my prayer was answered . Maybe it still will be but it does not feel like it. I thought I was going to be fired and I wasnt. I will just rest and not think anymore.

    Linda



  57.  #57Simply Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    Wow Flipper. I feel blown away by your post to Linda. Literally wow. I keep imagining it’s me that needs work and while that’s still true, it’s also true that a man who can’t recognize the “gift” that I am also needs to work on himself. Until he does that, I probably don’t want him in my life. Lightbulb moment. Still hard to break the ties and quit thinking about him but this is something that was kinda nagging at me last night. I just couldn’t get it to focus into something that made sense to me. You nailed it! Thank you!!



  58.  #58Linda on October 12, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    You are so wise flipper, I have read and reread what you said…. I have always known that I am the prize and gave him so many gifts. Purely because I am that kind of woman and lover…. he trampled them and kicked them and continues to say they are not good enough…. I am picking up my boxes too. He is not worthy of holding strings to my heart…. I think I will leave one of my boxes there and put his heart in it. When he kicks at it he will get a huge surprise it will be his heart he just kicked and it will hurt.



  59.  #59alias girl on October 12, 2009 at 5:42 pm

    linda. i feel compassion. your words sound like the expression of someone in a lot of pain.

    riffing helps me a lot.



  60.  #60janjune on October 12, 2009 at 5:51 pm

    linda,

    i don’t “know how you feel” but know it’s been terrifying to me when i’ve felt so profoundly alone in the world as you described. beat up left over used misused abused alone sorrowful full of pain full of self doubt.

    i don’t feel that any where nearly as intensely as two months ago, before i found Rori and this blog.
    when Rori’s teaching started clicking, i determined to read EVERYTHING, all the ads, listen to the snippets of video over and over, all the blog posts, all the comments, i googled her and listened to or read everything out there on the web. (I’m working just a few hours a week part-time right now so cannot get her materials yet).

    you started riffing on the other blog….riff away girl, we’re with you. i couldn’t believe how cleansing it was. it took a while to get it all out, just kept bubblying up out over itself i could hardly keep up the typing…would go away from the computer to do something and up more would come. kind of like …well, you know what. yuk!
    you’re in my thoughts and prayers.
    goddess janjune



  61.  #61janjune on October 12, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    linda,
    “beat up left over used misused abused alone sorrowful full of pain full of self doubt.”
    those were words about ME, how i felt.
    not attributing those to you.
    love, jj



  62.  #62Winks on October 12, 2009 at 7:40 pm

    Rori: Just a quick note to say Thank You. Your work is priceless. I feel it’s finally sinking in and I am a new woman.

    Also a thank you to whoever wrote about EFT, I think it was Daria who mentioned it about 15 times in one post 🙂 a couple months back that caused me to google it. It has changed my life!

    All you goddesses ROCK!



  63.  #63alias girl on October 12, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    i called my ex. he said, he what’s up? this is a surprise (because i rarely call him)

    i said i know.

    he said, what’s up? why are you calling?

    i said i wanted to see how i’d feel.

    he said, “what… to call me?”

    i said, yes i wanted to know how i’d feel to call you.

    he said, how do you feel ?

    i said, awkward.

    he said , you feel awkward calling me? why?

    i said, because i feel responsible for the conversation.

    he said, no, you’re just calling to see what i’m up to. to see what’s up with me. no need to feel responsible for the conversation.

    etc.

    he’s a good one. a good man. he’s not really available for a relationship. but neither am i. not really.

    but i am trying.

    and maybe someday when i am capable of people getting close to me he will be my guy. or maybe he won’t. maybe i will just grow into intimacy baby step by baby step and it will be with other people.

    omg i feel so sad with my own limitations right now in this moment. but i also feel very liberated. and gentle. and grateful.

    then i went to the gas station and some guy approached me and gave me his number. i said is it ok if i gave you mine. so he took mine.

    we talked a short bit. he said he is really hooked into the music biz. i said wow that’s great because i want to sing!

    he said maybe we’ll go to karaoke. 🙂



  64.  #64Simply Shannon on October 12, 2009 at 8:32 pm

    I feel anger and pain right now and I’m trying to figure out the message I received from the whole situation with A. I know I’ve been talking and thinking about him a lot lately and it is NOT helping me. But it’s all so jumbled together (i.e. me learning about myself, what I’m feeling, and what I’m doing as a result).

    I basically don’t trust myself, my gut instinct. I keep thinking back to the times when I wanted to give A the no-girlfriend speech, to a concern about his drinking and then the few times just feeling insecure, like something was off. I didn’t express any of those things because I didn’t trust my instinct. I kept reminding myself that I just got out of a marriage. I had lots of baggage. Blah, blah, blah. I didn’t believe my own feelings. And now I’ve landed here. Even with my heart feeling tight and my body feels tense, I know I can move past A. I know this is all just pain and fear running me right now. Hell, I had a great date with a man last week, a great girls’ weekend at the beach and have plans/dates lined up all the way through Saturday (and I’m pending on that one day right now).

    How do you begin trusting yourself again? I guess it’s all just practice right. Circular dating. Going out with the frogs and practicing with men that I don’t really care about so that I’m not so scared when I am with one I care about.

    I’ve noticed that since meeting Mr. Vulnerable (scavenger hunt date) that I’m feeling tense. I know that’s because I actually like him. I want to date him. It’s like I’m already wound up tight about it. Relax Shannon. Chill girl. Breath. I love my tense feelings, my intensity. I also feel excitement and anticipation… and desire. Gosh, I feel so turned on when I think about Mr. Vulnerable and remembering our kisses and how he stood so close like he wanted to be touching me the whole time.

    Okay good. Stopping now that I feel turned on instead of hurt. 🙂



  65.  #65alias girl on October 12, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    oh yes shannon. i forgot to mention how lovely i felt when i read about your date. wow! that was some romantic date. I felt good.

    i feel Hopeful!!!!!!



  66.  #66Daria on October 12, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    Just got back from the workshop weekend in LA. It felt intense with amazing and I got triggered HARD.

    I love how Rori says here not to judge the icky feeling experiences because they may be the most powerful lessons. I am feeling good about that because it speaks to me and my experiences in this workshop. I feel excited to write about it.

    Something I realized I feel more comfortable being honest. For example I know feel it would be ok to tell a guy… “I don’t feel sexually attracted to you right now, but I would feel open to going on a date with you”

    That feels totally cool, and I don’t worry about feeling guilty about it anymore.

    I told this older guy (who was awesome and insightful and open and nonjudgemental and helped me a lot) yesterday that

    “I feel creeped out when I saw you staring at me at first at the beginning. I don’t feel comfortable or sexually attracted to older men. It’s not just you, its pretty much across the board. I don’t know why, I just get the feeling like I’m 12 and that I can look at them as a father figure, I don’t feel comfortable being looked at sexually by them. I don’t know why, but it is what it is.”

    And he said yes. “it is what it is.”

    yay. I felt really heard. Now I feel way more comfortable telling a guy I don’t feel sexually attracted, because part of what happened at the seminar

    was we did exercises where the guy was supposed to turn me on, mostly just through eye contact, or just touching my arm.

    Well at first i was like yeah right these guys are not my cup of tea. I don’t feel attracted to any of them.

    But then when the exercise was happening, and they would turn themselves on and then look at me, it was like their face was just CHANGING… it was crazy, I DID feel turned on, I felt like I was in a love story movie and the man was going to make love to me right there.

    So now I kinda get the idea that its up to the man to turn me on, that even one i woudl never think could, CAN, and so its totally ok for me to say i dont feel sexually attracted. Because he CAN turn me on sexually, I’m just experiencing and giving him honest feedback on my experience.



  67.  #67alias girl on October 12, 2009 at 11:32 pm

    i feel like i struck gold. 🙂 this blog is a goldmine with all the sirens sharing their experiences. it’s like a goddess mastermind group.

    🙂

    thanks daria!



  68.  #68Daria on October 12, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Thanks AG!

    I feel excited… I feel bubbly energy coming up from my chest and into my neck and into my face and bubbling into a BIg smile and into my head.

    I feel my legs bouncing. I feel tense in my chest as the bubbly energy moves, and tense in my mouth as I smile! It feels good though like being hugged inside HARD.

    I feel tense in my lower back and now I feel a big relaxation and I feel more hard smiling bubbling up from my chest and squeeezing my chest and I feel tightness in my cheeks and now a yawn.

    this feels good. I feel tightness in the sides of my jaw from smiling.



  69.  #69Daria on October 12, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    Here is my list describing my man:

    RESPECTS ME AS MUCH AS HE WOULD A MAN
    DOES NOT RELEGATE ME TO THE OTHER ROOM
    INCLUDES ME IN ALL ACTIVITIES I WANT TO BE PART OF
    Sexy

    Mob – ie street smart

    Moves powerfully

    Dances well

    Self educated

    Tolerant of others

    Protects me

    Supports me

    Smooth skin

    Brave

    Deep voice

    Gives me amazing orgasms

    Dresses well

    Perfectly fitting penis

    Right temperateure penis (hot)

    Strong penis

    Attractive looking

    Smells good

    Nice teeth

    Full lips

    Funny

    Makes me look good in public

    Can fight

    Understands my worldview

    Can respect my family

    Interested in sharing our cultures

    Kind

    Honorable

    Black

    Loyal

    Wants to be only with me as his woman

    Good father

    Romantic

    Good kisser

    Makes me feel safe when he holds me in his arms

    Sexy hands

    Athletic

    Happy

    Open

    Honest

    Confident

    Interesting

    Intelligent

    Respected by other men

    Creative

    Self-motivated

    Helps me

    I feel spiritually like Im his woman

    Spiritual N Deep

    Fun

    Exciting

    Flirts with me (well and effectively)

    Turns me on

    Nice hair

    Lets me feed him what I want when I want to

    Naturally Clean

    Straight

    Likes to do the chores I don’t



  70.  #70Daria on October 13, 2009 at 12:15 am

    ok.

    I just read Rori’s “nod your head” tool.

    Sometimes, especially when I’m talking toa man I don’t feel attracted to, I want to help him and just go ahead and say…

    “this is what I would do in this situation” (with men I AM attracted to I resist this urge more).

    Ok…

    so I really indentified with what Rori said about listening to a man basically complaining about something and or sounding “off the point” and then i see him as WEAK

    so what do I feel as I nod my head?

    thinking about one scenario, the first feeling i identify ANXIOUS..

    another feeling is “turned off”

    another feeling is “judgemental”

    andother feeling could be “icky”

    another feeling could be “annoyed”

    sooo… I mean i guess I could be brave and express that I feel “turned off and annoyed”

    I feel guilty thinking of saying that.



  71.  #71Daria on October 13, 2009 at 12:16 am

    My man description:

    RESPECTS ME AS MUCH AS HE WOULD A MAN

    DOES NOT RELEGATE ME TO THE OTHER ROOM

    INCLUDES ME IN ALL ACTIVITIES I WANT TO BE PART OF

    Sexy

    Mob – ie street smart

    Moves powerfully

    Dances well

    Self educated

    Tolerant of others

    Protects me

    Supports me

    Smooth skin

    Brave

    Deep voice

    Gives me amazing orgasms

    Dresses well

    Perfectly fitting penis

    Right temperateure penis (hot)

    Strong penis

    Attractive looking

    Smells good

    Nice teeth

    Full lips

    Funny

    Makes me look good in public

    Can fight

    Understands my worldview

    Can respect my family

    Interested in sharing our cultures

    Kind

    Honorable

    Black

    Loyal

    Wants to be only with me as his woman

    Good father

    Romantic

    Good kisser

    Makes me feel safe when he holds me in his arms

    Sexy hands

    Athletic

    Happy

    Open

    Honest

    Confident

    Interesting

    Intelligent

    Respected by other men

    Creative

    Self-motivated

    Helps me

    I feel spiritually like Im his woman

    Spiritual N Deep

    Fun

    Exciting

    Flirts with me (well and effectively)

    Turns me on

    Nice hair

    Lets me feed him what I want when I want to

    Naturally Clean

    Straight

    Likes to do the chores I don’t



  72.  #72Daria on October 13, 2009 at 1:12 am

    Ok here’s what one of the guys from the seminar wrote me after:

    “KNOW that you’re a GREAT person. Truly genuine and very positive. It was a pleasure to experience this ride with you over the weekend. Rock on girl!

    And stay sexy =3 ”

    I said:

    “Thank You! I feel SO GREAT to get this message from you! It made me feel REALLY good!

    I felt kind of apprehensive thinking that you might not really like me because of all the intense stuff.

    so it felt REALLY REALLY good to read this!

    Omgosh hehe…”

    Then he says:

    “I’m glad I can make you feel good =)

    But hey, it’s not about me – it’s about YOU. You are a GREAT person and that’s just who you are. Tell you a little secret … all of us thought you’re the most genuine and coolest girl out of all the girls. Even happier now? I bet!

    And I just want to let you know … please be CONFIDENT with yourself. You have an amazing personality. If you just keep on working on becoming even more feminine & sexy – you’d have HOT GUYS falling for you all over the place in no time!”

    So now I feel like uhoh. Yes I feel good that they thought I was the most confident and genuine. And I feel bad reading about working on becoming “even more feminine and sexy” I feel like I’m not good enough reading that.



  73.  #73Daria on October 13, 2009 at 1:20 am

    Here’s what I wrote him:

    Thank you for the super compliment

    So now I feel like uhoh. Yes I feel good that you guys thought I was the most cool and genuine. And I feel bad reading about working on becoming “even more feminine and sexy” I feel like I’m not good enough reading that.

    I feel like defending myself like “blah blah… I am usually more sexy and dress up a lot, and hot guys do fall all over the place for me etc, and i could ‘look’ confident but i am practicing being really real so that i show even my inescurities and fall in love with them”

    I dont feel good getting advice on “being better”! I feel guilty saying that, it doesn’t feel good to me to hear that though… I feel a lil sad saying it



  74.  #74Flipper on October 13, 2009 at 1:59 am

    Yes, Daria, as AG said, pure, refined GOLD: “…the idea (is)that its up to the man to turn me on, that even one i woudl never think could, CAN…”

    Love the idea of feedback – how saying you’re not sexually attracted is just letting him know that his efforts aren’t working for you. At least for now. Personally, those words feel too ‘clinical’ for myself, as does chemistry. I would feel better saying ‘I’m not feeling that extra spark towards you’, or just plain old vanilla ‘not feeling turned on’.

    Also, loved how you found all those ‘bad’ feelings in ‘anxious’. I feel anxious when I intuit a threat, so his weakness feels like a threat; maybe I fear that his feelings of incompetence could lead him to harm, disregard or use me to save his own skin. I don’t want that, of course. But I can also refrain from reinforcing his feelings of incompetence with my attitude, judgments or misguided, unnecessary words. (Need all my energy to find feeling words, don’t have to waste it finding teaching or thinking words).

    I love the Nodding – I feel it conveys my ‘core value’ of honoring the person without compromising my own beliefs about what’s right or a better way. I don’t feel that would be stuffing anything – I’m just not expressing my ideas at a moment they wouldn’t be heard anyway. I’m not giving away my power, just allowing some slack for the other to experiment and figure it out himself. So much easier than a policy statement in such situations (“I respect you as a person, and your right to do and think as you please, but…… blah blah blah… Let’s agree to disagree, hm?”). Ugh! I like Rori’s Nodding way so much better – no work!

    That said, it gives me time to feel if I need to say some feeling messages or not in the particular circumstances.



  75.  #75Mary Ann on October 13, 2009 at 6:57 am

    Daria..
    “So now I kinda get the idea that its up to the man to turn me on, that even one i woudl never think could, CAN, and so its totally ok for me to say i dont feel sexually attracted. Because he CAN turn me on sexually, I’m just experiencing and giving him honest feedback on my experience.”
    This amazing…I have experienced being very attracted to men I don’t like, or not attracted to men I love, but have been surprised my men I’m not attracted being able to turn me on at a particular moment…I never took it to the next step that it’s UP TO THEM to do it! That they are capable of creating that feeling. I always thought of it as “its there or its not” up to fate or biology, whichever.
    When I read the above from you Daria..I’m compelled to want to clarify to the guy that I’m not attracted to you “right now” …i still have a need to “be nice” . I feel happy that I can recognize that about me now. 🙂 I don’t need to always “be nice” if they’re men..they can take it.
    It would feel better for me to say “It would feel great to spend some time together and see if you can turn me on ;)” lol!! That does feel great.

    This is a gold mine..thank you all!



  76.  #76Simply Shannon on October 13, 2009 at 7:29 am

    Daria: I agree with what everyone has just said. Gold mine!

    Totally off topic Sirens but something I’ve been wondering about this morning…

    Facebook is a huge thing right now. And I’ve friended a few guys that I’m seeing. I feel curious if anyone else wonders if this is leaning forward. I guess I’m wondering this because they get to see what I’m doing daily (or as often as I update it) and that they are getting a part of me without having asked for it. They don’t have to call me up to ask how I’m doing because they can see it on their computer screen.



  77.  #77Dan_Brodribb on October 13, 2009 at 8:23 am

    Congrats on the good date, Simply Shannon.

    That sounded awesome.

    db



  78.  #78alias girl on October 13, 2009 at 11:35 am

    simply shannon – how do you Feel about having facebooked them? you can easily unfacebook them if that feels better. or keep them facebooked if that feels the best? how do you feel goddess shannon?



  79.  #79Simply Shannon on October 13, 2009 at 11:58 am

    AG: I’m thinking too much at the moment. I feel tense and it has nothing to do with Facebook. Mr. Vulnerable sent me a note this morning through Facebook that said “MUAH!” and that’s it. Without thinking, I sent “Right back at ya”. I guess I’ve been feeling curious and somewhat annoyed with this whole texting and Facebooking experience when it comes to my love life. I don’t want a romance via internet or cellphone, ya know? It feels too easy and non-committal. I feel good meeting men online but trying to implement the lean back approach feels difficult when everyone is so “available” by cell and/or internet. It just got me feeling curious about Rori’s take if that was leaning forward or leaning back.

    On the one hand it feels good to have that contact but it also feels like me giving myself away without the man asking or doing anything.

    My tense feelings at the moment are due to the fact that I accepted a date with Mr. Vulnerable for Friday and he hasn’t told me what those plans are yet. I’m trying really hard not to control the outcome or reach out to him and ask. It’s only Tuesday after all! On the other hand, I feel a little weird not knowing our plans (mainly because I had another guy ask me out for Friday and we have literally been trying to make plans for weeks now). If Mr. Vulnerable doesn’t let me know by Thursday, maybe I’ll make other plans with the other guy. I feel icky just thinking about doing that. This feels difficult because I would want to just call him and ask. Leaning back means I have to assume he’s not making plans with me. And not saying something to him doesn’t feel authentic, but it would be leaning forward, right?



  80.  #80alias girl on October 13, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    oooh i feel curious how this will be resolved simply shannon.

    re the facebook – i feel similar. i don’t want to be too convenient and be no effort for a man. i feel ick about that. i’d probably drop them from facebook if i was in that situation. if they asked why i would just say i felt weird about having people i am dating on my facebook.

    re the no confirmed plans for friday. to me, personally, that’s not a date. however the man is probably (maybe!) clueless about this concept of mine so i would probably want to fill him in.

    i feel very interested in other sirens input on this. i perhaps might call mr vulnerable (if i felt rockstar and not Needy) and say hi. i know you mentioned us getting otgether friday but we didn’t set any details so i feel unsure if this is confirmed. a friend just asked my scehedule and i realized i couldn’t say for sure whether friday was open. what do you think?

    but that ‘s me and i don’t really care much if i do something to turn a guy off. so i feel curious what other sirens have to say and how they feel.



  81.  #81alias girl on October 13, 2009 at 12:12 pm

    i want a job where all i have to do is blog about things that interest me all day.

    thank you.

    i want a job that feels like play. thank you.

    thank you for my dreams coming true. even if i don’t excatly know what would please me i know the universe knows and thank you so much for financial abundance and freedom and good time.



  82.  #82alias girl on October 13, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    and thank you for also providing the opportunity to interact with people in a positive way in real life. maybe one or two days a week where i deal with the public (in a cute outfit!). and a wonderful environment and easy to get to from my home.

    and thank you for my new home! i don’t exactly know which location would make me happy but maybe the universe probably does and thank you for my fabulous new home.



  83.  #83Mercedes on October 13, 2009 at 12:22 pm

    Shannon: I’m with AG. If not knowing what’s up is causing you stress and you don’t want to wait to find out, I’d call him. Leaning back is about not being needy or clingy and it doesn’t sound like this situation has that potential for you…I like how AG worded it: Someone else wants to make plans with you and you’re not sure if you’re free. You have every right to know if you’re free. Normally, I would say wait until closer to Friday or “first come first served” and this guy didn’t set plans so he loses, but clearly, you’re going to be thinking about all of this a lot, so relieve your stress…find out what’s going on.

    Just my opinion…

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  84.  #84Simply Shannon on October 13, 2009 at 12:28 pm

    I just sent him that note pretty much word for word. Thank you AG!!!

    And Mercedes: If I didn’t know better, I’d say you would like for someone to give you that same advice re: your situation. 🙂 And I might just be the one to do it. Hehe!

    Stressing about this crap is for the birds. Mainly because this other guy has been hanging around in the wings for some time and I finally figured out how to tell him it would feel good to make plans in advance so I know I can meet up with him. I gave him a few dates to choose from and then poof – all those dates were all gone. So he’s finally asking me out in advance (at least a week) and I can’t go. I feel bad because I don’t want to blow him off. My schedule is crazy ridiculous right now. I’m culling the herd so to speak. And even though the date with Mr. V was great, I’m not sitting home on a Friday night. Oh hell no. 🙂



  85.  #85Mercedes on October 13, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    Shannon: LOL! Yes…when I read it from that perspective, I might have been talking to myself! Haha!! Certainly, leaning back is causing me stress and I’m about to relieve some of that in some way or another. Too funny that you saw the connection there. 🙂

    I hope I don’t base all of my advice on what I’m feeling about a particular situation in my own life. Sheesh! I make HUGE mistakes sometimes! LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  86.  #86Simply Shannon on October 13, 2009 at 12:43 pm

    Mercedes: That’s too funny! I noticed the parallel right away and feel surprised you didn’t! LOL!

    Update: Sent him the email. His reply…

    I think I miss talking with u and not seeing you. I’m glad you wrote me, I was kinda straddlin the fence on whether you wanted me to back off or chase you…cuz I wanna chase ya….but don’t want to run you off. I still want to take you out Friday…YES!

    My response…
    What were your reasons for straddling the fence? I feel surprised. It felt good being with you Thursday and then seeing you again on Friday. I like how I feel when I’m with you. I feel curious. Let me know when and where for Friday. I’m looking forward to it! Shannon

    This guy really excites me so I feel like a freakin moron as giddy as I am right now. So please critique me as I go. Like I said, this guy knocks my socks off but there are a few others who do that for me too. I want to share with ya’ll as I “practice”. Suggestions/comments are all welcome!



  87.  #87Angeline on October 13, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    So I’ve been feeling really challenged by the whole feeling message thing… my brain keeps finding ways around it, ways to phrase things differently so what I’m saying is *sort of* a feeling message but not really.

    BUT tonight I am going on a date with a guy from the UK who I will probably never see again. I am going to practise practise practise!

    I feel excited.
    I feel warm.
    I feel newness and freshness.

    Wish me luck Sirens!



  88.  #88gina on October 13, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    my mind is just reeling! still about ole what’s his name – I hate it!!! It’s like my mind just wants to go there, and I’m not even sure I want to indulge in writing how I feel about those thoughts, I just want to shut them of!!!!
    shannon, that’s so interesting that he was debating whether to back off!!! My boy brain is thinking that he perceived leaning back as a lack of interest. That concerns me – I know that my lean back looks a little cold at times. I think I confuse lean back for run away.

    I’m glad he shared this with you! I imagine that it would feel safe and good to hear from a man so courageously honest!!



  89.  #89Simply Shannon on October 13, 2009 at 1:53 pm

    Angeline: Good luck on your date! I feel excited for you. What a great no-pressure opportunity to practice. Woohoo!

    Gina: Ditto on the what’s-his-name thing. I’m still doing it too. Oh well. I’m really trying to push away those thoughts. Just know I feel empathy sista.

    As to Mr. V, he’s so stinkin’ cute. He avoided answering my question directly and I’m not pushing it anymore. I do feel curious though if I’ve been leaning back too much or if I’m not being open. I believe I’ve been open. I’m just not calling or hounding him. I guess he hasn’t been with a Siren. 🙂 I keep telling myself that I’m the “treat” and he has to “work” for my company. I just don’t want to be strung along wondering what my plans are for a Friday night. I’ve got other options.

    Okay, headed out to dinner with my girlfriends. Thank you all for helping me today! Especially you AG! I loved what you wrote and I loved how you encouraged me to spill what I was feeling rather than my thoughts. You uncovered me and that’s very disarming in a good way.



  90.  #90alias girl on October 13, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    good luck angelyne!!! i feel similar. my brain can be tricky and i can use the words “i feel” in a sentence and have no feelings follow just thoughts or ideas or trickery! 🙂 hee hee ah well. i still practice.

    aw thanks simply shannon. i feel appreciated and understood. i feel very good to feel that. oooh i feel like a sun just turned on inside me. aw. thanks.



  91.  #91Bethany on October 13, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    Rori: Thank you for your words about the black hole a few posts back…I did contact Virginia. I am working with your Tools, Erika’s EFT instructions, and Virginia’s suggestions, and I am feeling the sharp edges of this phantom pain softening. I got lost wandering around in my dark tunnel for awhile.

    I also have my first date tonight!!!! FINALLY! I feel extremely nervous meeting this guy off match.com…at a public place for coffee; I plan on not staying for more than an hour–45 minutes or half an hour if I can manage it, but also practicing following and EXPRESSING my truthful feelings, where I notice I always come up against resistance and confusion. I feel totally petrified which is awesome because here we go, for real, finally…guys have been texting me/e-mailing me for months without really asking me out…

    Also, Christopher got mad at me the other weekend: we saw his friend Cody out and I felt annoyed because I KNEW he was going to end up hanging out with us even though Chris had said it was just going to be him and me…well, Cody shows up and doesn’t even acknowledge my presence! I felt soooo annoyed! He left at one point and Chris asked me what was wrong and I, in doormat mode, said “Oh nothing…” then I figured it out and said “I don’t want a crazy Cody evening” (his friend is kind of wild and I wasn’t in the mood to go along and pretend I was having fun while also being practically ignored). He said “Well you don’t have to get so mad about it!” I said, “I’m not mad…” he said “You should just tell me what you’re thinking! I can tell something is wrong and you shouldn’t tell me everything’s okay…” And I said “I feel a little weird being told what I should and shouldn’t do…” He said “You’re right…I just wanted you to know you can tell me what you’re thinking…” I said “I don’t want to be the girl who jumps all over you and yells, and I don’t always know how I feel in the moment…it takes me awhile…” And then things were fine. I felt it was pretty honest and straightforward; it didn’t escalate into a huge conflict.

    Shannon: I would feel really nervous having any guy I’m circular dating “friended” on Facebook…but that is me and I’m not as “far along” with this thing as you…If it feels okay for you, then no big deal…you can always block them from seeing only certain parts of your profile, i.e. pictures/status updates/address, etc. And I’d only accept friend requests and not seek them out…

    Mary Ann: Your point of view about the guy being the one to turn us on is interesting…my understanding of Rori (and Mama Gena’s) view is that WE are in control of chemistry…so it doesn’t matter about the guy…but yeah, I hear you…there’s a guy who is super in love with me whom I USED to like about 8 years ago as a freshman in college, but I’ve received his message and now feel nothing but platonic affection for him…it’s so interesting!!!

    I feel like I’m learning how to go down into the scariest feelings I have and bounce back up–I want to feel acrobatic with my feelings…feeling not good enough, jealous, rejected, small…those feel “terrible” but it would feel great if I could feel them as just “different” than the good feelings…like the compass Abraham talks about…if the fear of them was gone, I could feel them and let them help me…like if I’m wandering off my Bridge, they could be those grooves on each side of the road that warn you if your tires are getting too close to the edge…wouldn’t that be cool?

    I’m almost hoping for lots of “icky” tonight with this guy–if that’s brave or reckless, I don’t know–I feel impatient to plow through this mysterious barrier to what I really want. I feel like, Okay Universe, come on and trigger me, let’s get on it with it, I am so effing ready to learn these oh so important lessons you have for me…ew, impatience feels tight and gross, but I also feel excited to learn about myself…

    Gina and Shannon: I feel your pain in trying to push the thoughts away…nothing to say about that other than I feel supportive and understanding of the irritating way they cling on…



  92.  #92Simply Shannon on October 13, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    Bethany: I feel excited to hear how it went tonight!! I feel differently when I read your posts now. I can feel your excitement and your willingness to explore and learn about yourself. It feels exciting and so refreshing! I love that!



  93.  #93gina on October 13, 2009 at 5:49 pm

    I keep thinking about it cause I know I had him hooked at first without doing anything, and then I felt myself overwhelmed by my negative voices and then he went away. I feel like the negative voices won. And I KNOW that by thinking this way, they ARE winning and they are laughing at me!!! I feel furious, but i love my negative voices. i love my negative voices.

    I kept thinking about him, and for several days I was determined to do NOTHING. but then today i chose to do something from a place of 50% curiosity 50% neediness. I wrote him -this is the first contact we’ve made since last week when he asked me to drive to dallas and I said no, and he said that he couldn’t afford to drive to fort worth.

    I said “hey i’m thinking about coming to dallas for an Arts Festival on Sunday. Interested?” he said “what festival? where?” I said “It’s sponsored by AT&T. the company is opening a new performance center and sunday is the big kickoff. sounds interesting.” he said “sounds intriguing. sure i’ll go with you.” I said “yay!” he said ” 🙂 ” but i’m unsatisfied. I’m still frustrated with his energy just chillin not coming towards me.

    I just read a “dating advice” letter about how this guy fell for his wife who looked way more average than the chicks he typically “played” – he dug her cause she was cool and confident.
    I keep thinking about when what’s his face and I talked about that stupid question I asked him about women’s body parts, he said “I didn’t like that. I didn’t know how to take it. It came off as very superficial. It just didn’t sound like you at all. i didn’t know if you were accusing me of objectifying you. But I don’t think I’ve ever objectified you. I’ve never focused on one body part. Or, I figured that you were insecure about something on your body. I dunno. But I told you about what I think about body image and everything else, so I was really thrown by that question – I just didn’t get where you were coming from.” I feel misunderstood. And a little confused. Is this a spot where I am “lacking depth?” Ugh i feel judged. I feel pidgeon holed. Later I told him that I had been feeling judged by him when i asked that question. And that I was judging him. i confessed that when i asked that question I was trying to figure out what was “wrong” with him cause I felt defensive. Then he figured out that I thought there was something “wrong” with him cause I didn’t feel objectified by him. And that’s a little true. I feel frustrated that men seem to categorize women as women to respect or women to F***K. I want to be respected and appreciated for being hot. I don’t want to pretend to be demure. Is there something here I am not getting. This is something that has been troubling me, and I’m just beginning to be able to articulate it.

    But what i still haven’t said to him about that STUPID question is
    “I just wanted you to grab my boobs. Guys constantly want to talk about my boobs, look at my boobs, and touch them. You are the one guy who I am granting access to my boobs, and you are touching my rib cage. Are you being “respectful” – if so, please drop that act, and grab em. Do you not like boobs? If not, then hey, this girl aint the one for you. Do you not want to see me as a sex object? Well that’s sort of boring for me because I’m not just a brain and a heart – I got a body for a reason and I want to know that you enjoy it. Okay? And for the record, I do not think it’s superficial to be passionate about body parts. I like a big strong man cause I feel safe and feminine. I like your big strong arms, and I love touching them to let you know that I appreciate them. And I sense that you enjoy it when i do. So what makes you think that I would want you to avoid touching the most feminine thing about me????”



  94.  #94Daria on October 13, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    Oooh Gina I love what you last wrote about what you still haven’t said to him.



  95.  #95gina on October 13, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    Thanks Daria, I feel supported and relieved. I felt super vulnerable writing that. And I tried saying it out loud, and I find myself almost getting teary and feeling my heart just beating openly and loudly. I’m surprised at how deeply and passionately I feel about what I’m saying here.



  96.  #96Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Oh Bethany – you sound WONDERFUL – I just feel proud as punch here…you are now square in PRACTICING …which is just the best place to be in…Love, Rori



  97.  #97Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 8:02 pm

    Datia, you’re a poet. Love, Rori



  98.  #98Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 8:15 pm

    Natalia, Welcome, and not a short answer. I don’t know what you’ve considered “doing everything” that Circular Dating is, so it’s hard for me to give advice around the question. Circular Dating isn’t about “dating.” It’s not about going through men until you find the right one. It’s about PRACTICING my Tools with men…so that you discover, along the way, what’s working for you and what isn’t. So that you can go deeper and deeper into who you are…and become more and more EXPRESSIVE of that person you are…if the heart of the Circular Dating Tool isn’t what you’ve been doing…then going through the “motions” of doing it won’t work. Let me know more of what’s been gong on for you, how you use Feeling Messages and Listening at Level 2, if you have Targeting Mr, Right – which explains ALL of this and gives you the nuts-and-bolts to use it in a way that will WORK – and we’ll all try to help you specifically. Love, Rori



  99.  #99Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 8:17 pm

    Mary Ann – for me, you’ve got the spirit of this. Instead of waiting for everything to be “clear” and “orderly” — you just stay with yourself and on track to what you want no matter WHO or WHAT or what feelings or memories, or happenings are vying for your attention. You take your whole life with you wherever you go…allow it to fill you up instead of deplete you. Love, Rori



  100.  #100Rori Raye on October 13, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    Love right back to you, Mercedes, and thank you for putting it this way…very, very powerful. It just totally turns your head around when you look at things this way…and totally blows everyone else away, too..



  101.  #101Bethany on October 13, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    Thanks Rori and Shannon! I did it! I had coffee for an hour and 10 minutes with a guy!!! Yay for me! I felt totally NOT turned on by him. Not repulsed–he was pleasant enough, but NO fireworks…I was a) honest about my feelings–told him I felt nervous; jittery from the coffee; it felt fun to meet him, b) listening at level 2–got “over there” and focused in on him c) non-judgmental–caught myself judging him for trying to impress me (what’s that say about me?! I know!!) d) circular breathing e) holding onto my “rock”–coffee cup/booth f)doing the “hula fingers” energy-shooting exercise, moving through air…lots of tools practiced tonight! Except…he didn’t ask for my number. I got really antsy after my phone alarm went off telling me I’d been there for 45 minutes. Then he said “well, I can let you go…” and then he stayed to pay for the coffee and said “If you want to hang out sometime let me know.” I said “Thanks, that would feel fun,” then I reached out to shake is hand–Oops! Oh well…I noticed that I didn’t really feel all that guilty. Surprise!

    Then I had a nerve-wracking phone conversation with Chris wherein I felt really anxious as usual…I feel angry, so angry with him because he said he “might” come visit me because he has Thursday and Friday off but then decided he’s going to stay because he’s been driving to South Dakota (from Minnesota) a lot and he just wants to relax. I felt soooo disappointed…but that showed me how much I DEPEND on him and that this coffee date thing is going to help me rescue my own life…so I felt tense and he said “I like to keep my options open for weekend plans, I’m like you in that way…” GRRRRR…I didn’t say anything but that felt really shitty. Universe, please let me figure out what I CAN and CAN’T say, what is his shit and what is my shit and how I can stick up for myself in the moment instead of shutting down–thank you! I don’t want to be an “option if it feels good,” I want to be a Prize with a capital P. I feel effing angry…I love my anger…I feel like just not picking up the phone the next time he calls but I don’t want to play games, but I feel disconnected and weird…it was a very “head” type conversation tonight and I Felt disappointed that he wasnt more interested in hearing about the story I’m writing…I used Feeling messages! It’s a new Passion Story and it didn’t draw him in…grrr…I feel anxious…I love my anxiety…I love my disappointment…I feel like crying for different reasons, because I feel sad, because I feel relieved that I got through my first real date, because I feel scared that it’s going to dry up and I won’t have more opportunities to practice, because I don’t know what to say to Chris, because I feel disconnected from him and I don’t want to worry about every little phone conversation…I love my fear, I love my sadness, I love my feeling of accomplishment. I feel them all churning around in there and choking my throat, I love my tight throat and heavy eyes…I feel frustrated because I thought I would instantly feel less attached to Chris after I had one date and it didn’t happen that way…I feel like doing some EFT…that feels better, to have something to do: organic ginger tea, EFT, then bed…I feel excited to sleep naked on my flannel sheets…it’s the coziest feeling in the world…

    Gina I love your boob speech.

    Goodnight.



  102.  #102Mary Ann on October 13, 2009 at 9:29 pm

    Thanks Rori..it feels really good to know I’m on the right track!!

    Gina..I love your boob speech too..it was awesome!

    Bethany…its great to hear about your date and practice…things don’t happen overnight…no matter how much we want them to…trust me I feel impatient most days…but I’m trying to keep my eyes on the prize…I feel we’ll get there at exactly the right time.

    Goodnight goddesses!



  103.  #103gina on October 14, 2009 at 2:38 am

    oh my goodness it’s 4 am and I can’t sleep and I’m still thinking about it!!! now my thinking has gone a whole new direction. Once I stop beating myself up, underneath I don’t find affection for him or much attraction. I find skepticism. I feel skeptical of his story about his grandfather getting sick – it was an excuse to cancel plans with me twice. i definitely feel skeptical of his “can’t afford” to come see me excuse. When i saw him last, when I shut down, I was feeling judgmental, and I was thinking about how I didn’t quite trust his accent – I heard that it was affected and intentional. I feel skeptical of his “good guy” image when he scolded me for being too sexual with him – I sensed at the time that I was “supposed” to behave a certain way. I judged myself for my behavior, but I also wondered if there’s some other girl/girls who are “supposed” to be sexual for him. All this amounts to him not being worthwhile, but I’m feeling more and more sucked in and curious and concerned. What is this??? is this neediness? I do feel a need to understand. why is it so important to me? I’m definitely not investing in things in life that matter. Maybe that’s all I need to do – I keep putting things off for True Beauty. I keep putting off goals and dreams, and I think I’m avoiding beating myself up about it by thinking about him (another form of punishment?) this is a time when i don’t need to pamper myself, I need to apply myself.

    And now, I just read over what I just wrote and I realize that I sound INSANE for thinking so much, and maybe it’s as simple as he saw how crazy I am and has chosen to stay away, and I’m just going deeper down the rabbit hole. AAAAAAAAAAAH! Oh my goodness. I could delete all this so you sirens don’t witness my craziness. But then, what if I find out he’s a LIAR, I want to be able to come back here and say REMEMBER??? Oh, and my mom had a dream that he bailed on me before the first time he did it. And she’s got a pretty good sense about things, and she’s smelling something fishy. His dad is in jail, BTW. Now I’m just gossiping. I hope today is just a super trigger day and that I can feel different tomorrow. Oh, but another thing is that I have a passion for picking my skin (bad habit of harassing clogged pores), and this week I have been super picky – I’m sure that my thoughts and skin picking are related. Anxiety. That’s what’s happening here. I want to exercise my brain and body to where I’m free of this nervous energy. phewwwwww. if i sink into my feelings I feel tired. and bored. I love my boredom. I love that I don’t need to invent drama, I just need to do some stuff tomorrow, after I take care of the tiredness with sleep.



  104.  #104Daria on October 14, 2009 at 3:31 am

    Gina I feel excited like ME too! I feel glad you moved away from beating yourself up and instead seeing your not good feelings as maybe red flags for him

    I feel similar about ny guy who i feel all giddy and insecure around. I feel like he has a red flag for not pursuing me and me feeling so insecure around him

    I also want to allow more attention and love in from attractive men. I feel worried that i push praise away. Today at Toastmasters people gave me a standing ovationa and i covered my face and cowered. I was doing it semi on purpose because i want them to think im good and shy and modest for some reason. which i am but i also love praise but they gave me a standing ovation and i was nervous and shaky and felt insecure that i was taking up their time, so when they did that i felt embarassed and really good too and i covered up… omgosh…

    i want to let more and more love in.

    I relistend to the Heart Toolkit today after hella long/



  105.  #105Flipper on October 14, 2009 at 3:35 am

    Congratulations, Daria, on Toastmasters performance! that is no mea



  106.  #106Flipper on October 14, 2009 at 4:15 am

    Oops! Congratulations, Daria, on Toastmasters performance! I feel so happy for you – that is no mean feat!

    I want to remember that it IS NOT ABOUT HIM – whether he IS a good one, has good excuses, misinterpreted me, or not. It’s about whether he’s doing it FOR ME. If he’s not there for me, it doesn’t matter if he tries not to hurt my feelings or couldn’t care less about them. Understanding (comprehending) him doesn’t help me much understand (empathize with) myself.

    I felt resistance when Rori says that we don’t necessarily need to understand things (the how, the why we got this way, or he is like that…..). After tons of enlightenment and figuring out in the last year or 2, I realize this hasn’t really helped me FEEL much better, nor go forward with my life. My curiosity has been satisfied, and sometimes it helps me put a more rational self-preserving reaction onto something that old patterns had told me I had to put up with despite my intuition trying to advise me better.

    But at every new obstacle, I get distracted with “how, why is it there?” and so avoid “what is it for me? a barrier (boundary or roadblock), a sign-post, a challenge, nothing…? what do I feel about it? what do I want , here and now, irrespective of history or limitations?



  107.  #107gina on October 14, 2009 at 9:34 am

    what is it for me?
    A lesson in staying true to me, regardless of how good I judge the guy to be.

    what do I feel about it?
    I feel excited about a shut door and new beginnings.

    what do I want here and now?
    I want coffee…I want sleep. i want to feel accomplished.



  108.  #108Paula on October 14, 2009 at 10:05 am

    I feel hopeful after reading the stories here and that is very new for me. I feel like I could TRY dating. I never have dated! Always went from date to relationship to love to heartbreak to obsession….

    I feel positive about finding work. I feel confident about starting my own business. I feel cautiously optimistic that I can look in the mirror and smile to who I see there. I feel weary of thinking about my ex SO much and his new relationship,

    I feel like I have so much to learn here.

    Thanks all



  109.  #109alias girl on October 14, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    all i can do is practice. and let go of the results.

    i feel shaky hands but also i feel like a puffed chest of empowerment. i feel deep breaths of having taken care of myself and spoken my truth and my boundary as kindly and non blaming as i could.

    i feel good to trust my instincts. i feel good to be who i am. i feel confident that no one person in particular is my source of happiness or security or finanical abundance.

    i feel good to speak my truth even when it would be “easier” to walk away and say nothing. i feel good to resolve things right up front asap and have whatever consequences i am trying to avoid come right away. so i can move forward and leave that vibration that attracted that behind me. i can raise my vibration to the new empowered me. did you ever notice people tend to f*ck less with people who are empowered and clear on their boundaries and less reactive and who speak their mind? i’ve noticed this. so this is how i am raising my vibration.

    because this is what works best for me. there is a difference for me between walking away in peace because i have nothing i feel like saying and me skulking away silently in fear.

    i feel good to speak my truth even if my hands shake while i type the email.

    i feel very good now. very clean. very upright. very clear. very taken care of.



  110.  #110alias girl on October 14, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    flipper you wrote: “what do I feel about it? what do I want , here and now, irrespective of history or limitations?”

    this feels super good to me.

    really really good like riding an inner tube on a water current

    ahhhh yes. thank you.



  111.  #111alias girl on October 14, 2009 at 2:09 pm

    wow. i hate to keep on with it but i feel really really good after having spoken up for myself.

    yes! and right away too. not eight years later. but right IN THE MOMENT.

    🙂 🙂 🙂

    i feel like throwing a party for myself.



  112.  #112Flipper on October 14, 2009 at 2:36 pm

    AG – I feel like coming to your party and celebrating with you!

    I feel so good seeing how what I wrote resonated with you and Gina that now I’ve written it out in red letters on a little paper to keep. I’ll bring another copy for you as a hostess gift.



  113.  #113alias girl on October 14, 2009 at 2:56 pm

    aw thanks flipper!!! i feel so excited you want to come to my party. 🙂 i feel teary. xoxo aw i feel shy.



  114.  #114China on October 15, 2009 at 11:11 am

    Wonderful ladies, wonderful blogs!

    May I ask a question? What are some examples of a man responding correctly when we share our feelings without making it their fault?? I feel that my man responds well, but I havent had alot of experience receiving from men..

    Seriously dating for 2 years with marriage on the table… 36 single mom of 5 (was married 14yrs) him….38 divorced with two sons (married twice, second was rebound and caused him to get his butt in counseling!)

    Thanks beautifu ladies!!!
    China



  115.  #115janjune on October 15, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    hi
    goddess paula and
    goddess china-
    i’m new to rori’s work too– be sure to get her ebook as it will answer many questions.
    i didn’t understand very much in the ebook at first but as i read the blog and started hearing how the goddesses were applying it, then started getting the courage to apply it myself,…it just begins to come together by itself…
    goddess janjune



  116.  #116China on October 15, 2009 at 7:28 pm

    Janjune!

    I actually have the Ebook as well as Modern Siren…. LOL!! I just eat up practical examples and was interested in other goddesses examples of a man responding well!!

    China



  117.  #117janjune on October 15, 2009 at 10:54 pm

    china-
    i don’t know…i’m busy wallowing in old crap right now…haha! 🙂 so will have to let the other goddesses answer your question.
    janjune



  118.  #118alias girl on October 16, 2009 at 12:00 am

    hi china! the feeling messages are for me to express myself and for me to be in touch with what’s really going on with me. and for me to be in the feminine (expressing and being— rather than doing and thinking)

    men will respond however they respond. each man is different and each woman expressing herself is different.

    i’m not sure i completely feel sure what you mean by “responding well”. do you mean pleasantly? in a way that is pleasing to you?

    i might feel closer to a man because i am expressing myself authentically. or maybe i might feel sad if he completely disregards my feelings.



  119.  #119Kaitlyn on October 19, 2009 at 3:41 am

    [quote]So, if Mr Dater doesn’t come up with timely specifics after I’ve agreed to see him, I would want to take his belated call (unless I was happily engaged elsewhere) and be ABLE NOT to cave just because he’s finally gotten around to it. (I would feel annoyed by a text and not bother to respond, prolly the same for a non-commital phone message.) I might say: “I was looking forward to getting together with you, and when I didn’t hear anything more about it, I was feeling my anticipation peter out.” And if he comes back with this or that, i might say “I wanted to be sure to have a good time today, …so I’ve made other plans” (if this is true) or “…and not knowing didn’t feel so good, so I feel like passing this time.”[/quote]

    TRUE. I’ve done this before and it totally trains them to either stop treating you like a pit-stop convenience OR they move on to find Miss Pit-Stop Convenience. If the latter, good riddance, but it least it shows them in a non-threatening way that they’re totally out of line. Learned this from Why Men Love Bitches.



  120.  #120End of the World on October 28, 2009 at 2:34 am

    Thank’s for sharing this
    This is really interesting



  121.  #121Cassandra on October 29, 2009 at 5:52 am

    I am feeling as though I am always so behind in reading these posts and then it takes me days to get caught up on even one post! GRRRR! Again, I loved this post and wanted to read specifically on Circular Dating. This last week I have felt a HUGE shift in my own energy and vibe. I am not totally sure where it came from but honestly…I feel like I don’t really care…I just feel happy that it is occuring. I have felt more frustrated with Charles than ‘ooooo….I miss him and wish that things could be back how they were’. I have not felt that in several days…..probably over a week now. I feel good overall and I am doing my thing without him. He is now on Match.com looking for other women and that does feel awful but it is what it is and he is who he is and I would now rather be happy than right if that makes any sense. I now feel that I stayed in it for so long because of the payoff of getting to be right. In moving here to marry him and having things NOT work out the way that I thought that they were planned made me feel as though I failed miserably so I hung on….trying to be ‘the perfect girlfriend/ fiance” in being supportive….all the while my needs going completely unmet which was my own thing…not HIS in that I did not let him know that HIS way or NO way was not working for me at all so that was my issue….anyway…I hung on and hung on trying to make it work and ‘fix’ whatever it was that ‘I had done wrong’ – at least this was how I felt at that time….now I see that the pay off was getting to be right. I was working so hard to try to be right and show everyone…..’No…see I can make this work! It will be ok and things will be how there were supposed to be.” instead of focusing on my own happiness and deciding which was more important to me…being happy?? or being right! This is HUGE HUGE HUGE For me and I feel like I have broken through a HUGE barrier in my life in realizing this. In addition to the “No! Wait! I can make this work!’ theory…..another payoff here was that I think that I really felt that there are truly no good men out there (REALLY LIMITING BELIEF!!) and in staying with Charles and being in that abusive relationship…once again…I got to be right…not happy at all but good gracious….I was right! See if he treated me as he did and was so horrible to me then THAT proved my theory about there being no more good men out there so by staying…..I got to be right. I never say any of this until quite recently in some coaching that I am doing and WOW! This is all so so HUGE for me. I feel excited about the things I am learning and changing in ME. I feel excited about the limiting beliefs that I am disgarding and replacing with new wonderful beliefs and I…for the first time in a very very long time feel excited about things overall. This feels great.

    Sending love to all…..xoxo
    Cass