From His – I’m Not Ready – to a Marriage Proposal

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scroll-heartHere’s a great letter from Marjorie, a success story that shows you how all this can work for you:

“Dear Rori, I loved the picture you paint of all your thoughts and feelings on the day your husband disappointed you a long time ago, and how it all worked out for you. I remember having a similar experience with my husband Dave. It was our one year anniversary of dating and we were on a trip together in Maine. We exchanged cards and I brought up, “Where is this all going?”. I was actually hoping he was going to propose or maybe suggest we move in together or take a next step of some kind. He didn’t. He gave me the “not ready” speech!! His biggest fear at the time was that I had a young child and he wasn’t sure he was ready to become a stepparent.

It was such a tense, horrible night that I almost considered getting on a plane the next day and cutting our trip short and going home. I was so angry. I also had so much anxiety over the fact that I was 5 years older and didn’t want any more children. I kept imagining him ending up with some 25 year old and having a big family with her.

A few months later he said he was ready to try living with me and my daughter. When I asked him if he was going to sell or rent his house out, however, he said he wasn’t – that he wanted the “option” of going back home whenever he wanted. I told him NO WAY. He was either 100% in, or he wasn’t moving in with me. I told him that I had a responsibility to offer stability to my daughter, and a man flitting in and out wasn’t going to cut it. So we kept dating.

Two months later he proposed.

We were engaged for 4 months before he finally found a renter for his house and moved in with us.

And so the story goes. It wasn’t until I felt totally ok with things as they were and stopped struggling so much that he proposed. Funny how that works. Marjorie”

Marjorie is giving us the perfect example of how “hard to get” looks when you’re doing it for real! When you’re not playing a game, but are really, truly looking out for YOURSELF and following “What feels good.”

Love, Rori

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98 Comments

  1.  #1Kaitlyn on November 1, 2009 at 7:13 pm

    I like how Marjorie handled this EXCEPT for ‘Where is this going?’



  2.  #2Kaitlyn on November 1, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    It also feels unromantic to me to prompt a proposal through a ‘where is this going?’ Was she truly expecting that to make him propose or ask to live together? Only a lower esteemed man would cave to that.



  3.  #3Linda on November 1, 2009 at 8:20 pm

    I held a hard line.. keeping my life and living conditions stable for me and in line with my believes and what I had peace with….

    He is not around now. Got his own place and is rebuilding his life (his own words)… I wish I had gotten the result that she did, got her man. That did not happen for me. I did the right thing for me and for him. IF he wants to be with me he knows what it takes if he cant give it… I saved myself a lot hurt by my boundries. I only want a man around that wants to be with me, has had the freedom to make that choice.

    I am glad she got her man. I wish there was a magic formula I could follow to have gotten what I hoped for. I did what she did, just got different results.

    Linda



  4.  #4Heather on November 1, 2009 at 9:40 pm

    Linda,
    I agree. Have had that speech before and not gotten the great results that Marjorie got. Sometimes it feels like things are just slipping by. It makes me feel sad to have this going through my mind and body. I feel like I need to learn how to do much less and achieve the same (or better) resuls.
    -Heather



  5.  #5Tina on November 1, 2009 at 11:01 pm

    Men have their fears, I don’t know if I would have handled it so well when he said he needed more time. I would have taken that plane back, thats just me or at least the rest of the trip would have felt miserable for me. I’m so happy to hear that she got her “forever” and that it does work. I have faith in the process, I like being alone , I enjoy it. I want to date as many man as possible , I just want experiance the “feeling” part of me for now, how I feel is so much better work for me and creates and strengthens my boundaries. I want to follow what feels good for me. I enjoy dating men and working through this process, its my fav part hahaha.



  6.  #6Daria on November 2, 2009 at 1:19 am

    ok you want to write write:

    !!!

    Real Women don’t take Bubble Baths!! REal women dont do bimbo things. Real women dont’t whine.

    Real women fight. Real women battle. Real women sneak into men camps dressed as men and learn to fight with swords. Real women are strong. Real women triumph over men.

    Real women have Honor. Real women are warriors.

    Real women die in the woods protecting their children.

    Real women have pain from dead husbands.

    Real women go on the battlefield and fight to the death.

    Most men can’t handle real women. Only the strongest warriors can. Real women are LONELY sometimes. Real women’s men DIE or are the most respected, the most brave, the most in danger.

    Real women’s lives are short. They work in the fields. They get tired.

    life is about blood. honor. and battle.

    a real woman is a warrior woman toe on toe with any man. a real woman will defeat most men.

    the few that are stronger than her are the ones she will choose from.

    real women dont fly in fear.

    real women’s lives are short. they are brave. they are honorable.

    .

    Thank you

    can you please help me be more whole and vulnerable?

    yes

    but i feel outraged

    ok thank you

    i love your rage

    i love you too



  7.  #7Daria on November 2, 2009 at 1:23 am

    hey so this is a VERY strong voice that has been with me since I was little. She keeps me from taking bubble baths sometimes lol and she came up today as i decided to take one.

    can someone help me with this?

    a very huge part of me feels this way about real women.

    this is the type of woman I am or want to be…

    now I would like to BE HAPPY. feel good. too.

    I want life to be long and happy and good.

    but i dont want to abandon real woman.

    i feel confused.

    she wants to fight and battle and die.

    =(

    I feel helpless.



  8.  #8gina on November 2, 2009 at 1:35 am

    maybe your warrior woman is just in need of a worthy battle. ? .



  9.  #9Kaitlyn on November 2, 2009 at 2:04 am

    Daria,

    Maybe you need to expand your definition of a real woman. Does it make me more or less of a real woman because you want to take a bubble bath? No.



  10.  #10Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:05 am

    thanks gina… i was thinking that just now or more likely my mind was psychically reading your comment

    well my warrior woman has put me in a life of battle she has run my life until now

    what is a worthy battle

    she is Serious and won’t easily get tricked by ‘unworthy’ battles

    i am thinking to take up Muay Thai kickboxing and that will be good but its not enough i think



  11.  #11Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:08 am

    Kaitlyn –

    I feel a lil attacked but alas I have been psychically reading your comment too . well yes i am working on expanding my definition that is what i have been doing with Rori’s stuff

    BUT

    here she is again

    I love my warrior woman



  12.  #12Kaitlyn on November 2, 2009 at 2:10 am

    Daria,

    Muay Thai kickboxing…I started taking it just to get in shape, and I loved it! And I got stronger, more graceful, plus my body started looking more bad ass- just as it was making my mind more bad ass.



  13.  #13Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:11 am

    Dear real woman:

    I love honor and I love triumph and I love being as strong as a man and ok I admit I love overcoming in battle and I love YOU .

    and I also want to have beautiful soft things and have a happy, feel good life with a family that feels safe

    I feel sad right now because theese seem incompatible to me and I love my sadness, I love YOu and I love all my dreams.

    Thank you for being part of me



  14.  #14Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:12 am

    Kaitlyn –

    wow cool! I took kickboxing before and it was a very grueling men’s class and I got in shape too, fast.

    i would like to try it again yes.



  15.  #15Kaitlyn on November 2, 2009 at 2:15 am

    Daria,

    Real woman/warrior woman/whatever, why should you have such rigid standards of what that looks like? Am I less of a warrior because I want a bubble bath or like pretty much the entire Chanel line this Fall? I think not.



  16.  #16Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:25 am

    Kaitlyn –

    i’m not sure why that is. I am into a lot of stuff that real woman doesn’t approve of.

    but the answer of real woman is: yes. that stuff is frilly and silly and not for a real woman like me. there are important life and death things to be concerned with.



  17.  #17Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 2:32 am

    This post is great!!!
    I know I’ve done the complete opposite in the past and i did not get the results i wanted…..I totally resonate with Heather on feeling Bad and sad and frustrated about it before….It almost felt like others were getting it and i wasn’t
    I was actually thinking about this over the weekend,and how most of my relationships ended on friendship or in cases where i lost the man to someone else….
    The relationships always felt good and complete but when it came to a point of it getting more serious and me getting a commitment i would wind up with the same i am not feeling this…were just friends or i am not ready…..
    I felt frustrated that the relationship felt complete for me enough to want to get more serious but for the guy he wanted to bail out…..
    I feel that i have blamed myself for this and i felt that i lacked something and that is why these guyz left….
    I had the friendship and the passion in all these relationship but the final commitment always lacked and i thought it was about me….
    i blamed myself for it…and i tried to make it better….
    I t feel good to know that how i feel about the relationship or how i want it to be is not the problem….its not my fault that the man doesn’t step up and i doesn’t mean i lack in anything….I feel that i kept thinking of what to do instead of how i was feeling and what i was willing to put up with…This is the biggest AHA moment for me ever….
    I feel less blameless and i don’t feel the need to try and make anything work anymore….
    It feels much better just speaking my truth being authentic and trusting that the universe will bring me exactly what i am wanting….
    I feel the authenticity and honesty in how Marjorie handled the situation and i am owed…
    Getting the man only looks like the next logical thing to happen its an eventuality and i feel that i actually get it now…
    What i am understanding now is that men connect with Honesty and truth and when were in these place in our lives it doesn’t matter how scared or unsure he is about himself….his true feelings will show and if he genuinely loves and cares about you then he’l only want to commit…
    I want to work at getting myself where i feel honest in my feelings and who i am and what i really want from my relationship….and i want to feel connected to a man who can rise up to meet me at this place…it feels magical….



  18.  #18Kaitlyn on November 2, 2009 at 2:34 am

    Daria,

    I’m into a lot of ‘manly’ stuff, too, but so frickin’ what if I want to do something ‘girly.’ My preferences are based on me and not some societal construct. I also feel I’m more evolved than just being concerned with life or death.



  19.  #19alias girl on November 2, 2009 at 2:45 am

    Oh Chanel. my ears just perked up.

    ah, i can use that as a resource. thankyou kaitlyn. I need only say the word Chanel and I feel smiley.



  20.  #20Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:46 am

    real woman: i have rigid standards because life is rigid. a sword is rigid. stupid silly women are busy chittering and fluttering but when real situations come they fly away in fear.

    these women are more like silly children and are a nuisance.

    thank you real woman.

    real woman I feel judged.

    real woman: there is no reason for you to feel judged you are a strong warrior. it is your silly friend i was talking to

    I feel worried of offending her

    real woman: then you are silly yourself

    I feel so helpless… i feel judged or worried i will be judged!

    real woman: as well you should be. we are all judged. that is why upholding honor is most important

    thank you

    are you coming from my dad?

    real woman: well yes i do partly come from your fathers line, although most importantly, i come from you

    thank you

    I feel afraid of you and i want to be more whole.

    real woman: you are snivelling and silly.

    I feel annoyed and frustrated

    real woman: well whatever you feel is what you feel i am not concerned

    Can you please help me be more whole?

    real woman: i’ve already said yes. are you doubting me? i am not one to break my word

    how can I help YOU to be happy

    real woman: i am not concerned with being happy. I am concerned with real things. I am happy enough being with my warriors, or fighting in battle

    I feel worried that with you as part of me, I will be held back from being happy

    real woman: quite the contrary. I will make sure you get what you want.

    really?

    real woman: its what we fight for

    wow
    I feel honored

    real woman: as you should be

    and what if what i want is to take bubble baths, and brush my skin and hair everyday, and keep a beautiful room, and exercise and stretch?

    real woman: then you shall have it. silly girl i feel disgusted at your choices but i am not to question

    I feel bad you feel disgusted. I would like us to be friends and have the same goals and take pleasure in them

    real woman: pleasure is an interesting concept to me. i shall try to take pleasure in some of the these things, i suppose, if you see them as important… but really some of them are so … unseemly ridiculously cheap cheesy and not for you

    I feel bad

    real woman: sigh. I don’t know what to tell you. if you were not interested in silly things perhaps you would not feel bad

    I’m feeling angry. these things are beautiful and artful

    real woman: let them be that way … I shall do my best… although i find them plain boring

    I don’t want you to be bored. I want us to be happy and engaged

    real woman: then let us do some real things

    like waht?

    real woman: big important things. things that rock the world and give us glory, so tht all men may look at us with awe and worship us four our accomplishments

    is it not enough that men worship us for our beauty and our goddessness

    real woman: no it is not enough. we must have honor. we must have respect. we must have awe and glory. Glory is what i live for

    I do love glory

    I feel afraid to die though

    real woman: i do not. to die in battle is glorious.

    I want to live

    real woman: as do i.

    for what?

    real woman: glory

    what are some things that we can do to brign us glory?

    real woman: demolish prisons… revenge our fallen… bring great wealth among our people

    I feel overwhelmed and incapable of doing those things

    real woman: and yet they are within your grasp

    I do not want to kill

    real woman: then do not. I shall. or.. there are other ways

    I do not know them

    real woman; i do not know them as well. and yet the answers arise as the situation progresses. nothin is set in stone. what you want you shall achieve and have. that is what i live for

    thank you

    you are truly an honorable woman

    real woman: i bow to you. i am honored to say that you as well are an honorable woman

    thank you



  21.  #21alias girl on November 2, 2009 at 2:48 am

    tracy i read your words and i feel like hmmm just i feel like it brings out a sweetness in me that i tend to really not show. i feel good to read your words.



  22.  #22Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:50 am

    ok i feel curious what this fall’s chanel line is. I don’t usually buy chanel clothes but i do like coco chanel.



  23.  #23Daria on November 2, 2009 at 2:52 am

    no go… are you guys referring to the black/charcoal skirt with front slit + top coat suit line?



  24.  #24alias girl on November 2, 2009 at 2:57 am

    i don’t know daria i don’t follow it that closely.

    i feel sad your warrior woman is so strict about bubble baths and all things girly. i would feel very enslaved. but i am not a warrior woman so that makes sense. i feel like i would do best to just be a lounging naked woman that painters paint. 🙂

    or just a lounging naked woman.



  25.  #25Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 3:01 am

    Alias,
    i feel glad about that……..
    When i read this post i felt the same way.I felt moved by the story and my desire to have the same thing made me feel a bit unsure and insecure…..I felt happy but scared all at the same time…
    I feel connected to this story and to so many others i have read before where the girl finally gets what she wants….I feel that the realness of the love the person feels for herself and the relationship she has is what i connect to and i feel desire to feel the same connection with my man….
    but my insecurities and nasty voices are there as well and they block me from getting what i want…
    I feel glad for all these great love stories because i finally get it…..and i feel less fearful and more certain…amazing how it all works out..



  26.  #26Daria on November 2, 2009 at 3:02 am

    AG hehe!

    perhaps she will not be so strict anymore

    she actually believes in me that I can do Glorious things!

    she said that what she fights for is for me to have all that i want (even bubble baths… and shes even going to try to find pleasure in them)!

    I feel so glad to have had this talk with her!

    I feel curious how my life will change now that we are friends and talked…

    I feel excited to demolish prisons and spread great wealth among my people and well im not sure about revenge the fallen but ok revenge the fallen yes because i dont have to kill people if I dont want to



  27.  #27Daria on November 2, 2009 at 3:05 am

    I freakin have the strongest warrior woman on my side!!! YEAH!!!

    this ROCKS!!!

    she believes in me!! YEAH!!!

    this is WASUP

    for real

    I didnt know all that was coming but I really felt surprised at some of the things she said wow

    thank you warrior woman you have been a great ally and thank you for your passion your relentlessness and awesome battle readyness and never give up ness and honor!!



  28.  #28alias girl on November 2, 2009 at 3:09 am

    tracy i feel happy and glad for the great love stories also. 🙂

    daria yae! i feel good you talked to your warrior woman and she wants to give you all you want, including bubble baths!!



  29.  #29Mary Ann on November 2, 2009 at 7:55 am

    OOh Daria…I so know what you are talking about! My real woman thinks that wanting a man to help take care of me is weak and pitiful. That crying is for losers. She expects me to do great things all the time and I feel like I disappoint her.

    I do know that REALLY being a strong warrior woman means being able to be soft on the outside, to be feminine, to be vulnerable but having those strong boundaries. I just have to work on BEING this, not just knowing.

    🙂



  30.  #30nikita on November 2, 2009 at 8:33 am

    I feel like being a lounging naked woman..eating grapes and bathing in rose petals…….mmmmmm…….yes..

    I LOVE chanel……..too much…but I prefer coco to karl lagerfeld…..I like the classic…..Universe send me a husband that appreciates my love for chanel…..and understands why I need 30$ chanel lipstick……because it is the perfect red…..

    thank you universe 🙂 love u



  31.  #31TW on November 2, 2009 at 9:53 am

    Hello ladies..

    I have not had time to post lately because I have been so busy with a man that I have met and school and stuff. This guy has initiated ALL contact. He calls me when he says he is going to and he makes me feel so special inside. he also told me that he is looking for a wife not a girlfriend. I was like WOW.. His actions line up with his words. He treats me like a princess. Now if you all know me from prior post, my LI of over 8 years of off and on relationship broke up. I finally put him on the back of my horse and opened myself up to love and love is what I found with a good man. Keep the faith ladies.. It is out there



  32.  #32Simply Shannon on November 2, 2009 at 10:08 am

    I believe the only way this can really work is when you truly release everything but YOU from your control. When you stand STRONG for YOU and for no one else. That’s when the magic happens. I don’t feel 100% confident that I would have wanted to wait but Marjorie did and it worked for her. I feel open to the possibility of magic.



  33.  #33TW on November 2, 2009 at 10:21 am

    Simply Shannon-

    I woke up one day and was like I deserve so much more than what I put up with and it is time for me to have better. I prayed for God to bring me the man that he wants me to be with and then out of the blue there he was. I am in love with a man that takes care of me and I have to do absolutely nothing to move the situtation along. He knows that I am a gem and that he needs to take care of me instead of it being the other way around. Like you said, I had to unleash everything negative from my past and allow myself to be loved and love is what I am getting right now.



  34.  #34Tracy on November 2, 2009 at 10:25 am

    TW……
    i have followed through your posts and i feel so happy for you….YAY…..i Feel excited and happy that you’ve met a really nice guy….you totally deserve it…………



  35.  #35TW on November 2, 2009 at 10:34 am

    Tracy-

    Thank you so much… We all deserve it… Once I released all of that out of my system and decided that I had enough.. A good guy just fell in my lap and he treats me like a true princess every day…. He looks me deep into my eyes when he talks to me and he is understanding and makes time to spend with me. He calls me every morning to tell me to have a nice day at work. It is wonderful. I wish every woman on this blog could feel the way that I feel every day. I know that God sent him to be but I asked for a good man to come into my life and be a real man for me… And that is exactly what I got and I am loving it… He told me that he was not looking for a girlfriend that he was looking for a wife.



  36.  #36Bethany on November 2, 2009 at 10:42 am

    TW:

    Wow, I feel so happy for you! So inspiring to hear about how your life is moving forward. Big hugs.

    Shannon: Agreed. I feel open to the possibility of letting go of control of everything but me. Trying to control others is giving up my power. I read Rori’s article with the exercise about letting things go…picking up objects and letting them go…I want to let go of Christopher. I want to let go of the horrible thoughts that it’s all my fault, I screwed things up, I am weak for not respecting my own boundaries. Those thoughts don’t feel helpful. I want to float. I can’t control him but I can control not driving to see him anymore. I can control my intake of alcohol. I can control not sleeping in the same bed with him. I can control not waiting for him to call me. I can control my thoughts that every conversation has to go well. I can control my applying to school in Minneapolis. I can control looking forward to moving there and dating new people and still being able to see him if I want.



  37.  #37Tina on November 2, 2009 at 10:45 am

    I got a response back, he did agree I used fowl language to make my point, he did mention political posturing, he expected that and is inviting me to a telephone conversation. How do people KNOW what abuse even looks like if it is their “normal” grrr. It’s all good in the hood boys! I get really wound up. I want , I want I want uh…

    I want to break things until I get my way 🙂 ok I wont do that. I want people to give me what I want. I want it to be effortless, I want things my way effortlessly, ok. is that so wrong. I’m all for $30 dollor lipstick, if its on sale even better lol. I love sales. I want my favorite $40 moisturizer on sale all the time! 🙂 I want my entertaining dates , you will never be the one buddy but hey lets go on that date anyway.



  38.  #38Tina on November 2, 2009 at 10:46 am

    I want to practice my rori raye tools on you. 🙂



  39.  #39TW on November 2, 2009 at 10:50 am

    Bethany…

    First of all I want to say thank you but then I want you do something for me… I want you to turn off everything in the room where you can not hear a thing and close your eyes. Go inside of yourself like you are having an out of body experience… Now think about what makes you happy… Imagine youself doing those things and how it makes you feel at that moment and who you are with and how they are treating you…. Take slow deep breathes and think of the type of relationship you want… Think of all of the qualities that you want in a man…. Really give it some thought.. this is not something you should be able to do in 10 minutes but 30 minutes to an hour… Meditate on that… When you are done.. Open your eyes…Let go of all past negativity and situations and go out and get it… Do not settle for anything else… That is what I did for myself and I met a wonderful guy who treats me will in no time…



  40.  #40Simply Shannon on November 2, 2009 at 11:02 am

    TW: I feel happy reading that. I’ve been having a somewhat similar experience but I got a little freaked about it this weekend. I’m working through it and just staying strong about what I want in my life. Honesty truly is the best policy… with myself and with others.

    A couple of insights I gained this weekend:
    1. I tend to think the worst when it comes to men. I experience bad feelings over what could be seemingly innocent moments. I’m learning to voice my feelings and let it get sorted out but it does feel weird to me that I always assume the worst when it comes to men. I don’t want to be cynical but I notice my bad feelings tend to come out even when the actions were pure.
    2. I feel brave for stating my feelings even when I feel completely awkward and unsure of the outcome. I had some great practice this weekend.
    3. My 1st instinct in uncomfortable situations is to run. Run far away and cut off any relationship at the knees as soon as things get weird. At first I tell myself that I’m standing up for my boundaries, but that’s just crap. I’m running. At least now I notice when it’s happening. Somehow I’ve figured out that it’s okay to tell a man that you feel like running away and need some space. And to my dismay they are okay with that too.
    4. Sex makes me feel weird about a relationship. Or rather I make sex into something that it doesn’t have to be. I do it in hopes of locking in the boy but this weekend, I felt freaked out because I was locking me in! What a crazy revelation! I don’t have to feel committed because of sex, even if the good girl image of myself is screaming at me for it. All NVs are invited to sit quietly in the corner please.
    5. I have sex way too soon, and this really bothers me about myself. I want it physically but the emotional aftermath is not worth it to me any more. Please refer back to insight #3 for what I do when I have sex too soon.
    6. A man will NOT run away if I tell the truth. A man will run away if I say everything is fine but he senses something is off or weird. They notice when my actions don’t line up with my words. (I know Rori says this all the time, but this really clicked for me this weekend.)
    7. I have absolutely no clue what path I’m on right now and I feel okay about that.
    8. Circular dating is a miracle worker. I got freaked this weekend because I wanted to run. And yet, even if I ran, I knew I had other men in my rotation. I didn’t feel so bound to this one guy that it mattered to me EITHER WAY how things went with him. That my dear Sirens is true power and complete surrender of outcome. Knowing this is what allowed me to speak my truth without apology or fear.
    9. I can choose what I want in my life. I am deciding.
    10. A man will be okay with me saying ANYTHING as long as it’s the truth.

    My girlfriend (of over 14 years) sent me this email after our lunch on Friday: I don’t ever remember seeing you so comfortable with yourself, Shannon. It makes you beautiful and the inner happiness is going to draw people to you more than ever.

    I feel gratitude for the people in my life who I feel comfortable to let down my guard and truly be myself. I want more of that in my life, not just with men but with everyone.

    Okay, I know that was a lot of rambling thoughts. I wanted to write them down and share them before I forgot all these insights. This weekend was an interesting one to say the least!

    Shannon



  41.  #41Tina on November 2, 2009 at 11:05 am

    I dont feel I have a lack of men to date, it’s never been the problem, my problem has been settling for less. I love the last part of one of Rori’s posts “tolerate nothing” I’ve been tolerating a lot, to much to much. blah. Practicing PATIENCE 🙂 and tolerance has really got me no where except really frustrated and stuffing my feelings down. Feeling is the way to go 🙂



  42.  #42Mary Ann on November 2, 2009 at 11:10 am

    Shannon…I think we are AHA-ing about many of the same things…I think I may print that off on put it where it will remind me

    I feel curious as to what happened with Mr. Manly Man? No pressure, I know its none of my business 🙂



  43.  #43Simply Shannon on November 2, 2009 at 11:26 am

    Bethany: “I can control my intake of alcohol.” LOL! (Not at you of course but at myself for being in the same boat!) This message has a lot of hidden meaning behind it. A lot of “I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink that night.” LOL! Re: your guilt/blame feelings… rather than ignore those feelings of guilt or blame or whatever I might be feeling about my past actions, I just feel them and forgive myself. I’m a human being first and I sure as hell ain’t perfect. So I made a mistake and maybe I’ve botched my relationships. I can own that. I feel okay owning my past actions. BUT I can learn from my mistakes and move forward. I can start over today as if none of my past matters. Why? Because NONE OF MY PAST MATTERS.

    MaryAnn: Mr. Manly Man and I had a chance to chat after his “wink” on Match. As my insights above suggest, I assumed the worst about it. He explained it to me on the phone. My brain wanted to remain cynical and doubt his intentions but guess what I’M NOT A MIND READER. So we ended up going out and having a blast. Then later that evening we went back to his place and had sex. The sex itself was great, but afterwards I was really freaked out about it. I remained with my feelings that I didn’t feel ready to commit to this man. The good girl image of me wanted the sex to mean that and I know he wants me to, but **I** don’t want that right now. And I told him the truth. That I was a) freaked out and feeling really weird and b) that I didn’t feel good being anyone’s girlfriend. I swear I thought I would have a heart attack saying the words but it all worked out. I really thought he would run to the hills but he didn’t. We’re still talking and he’s asked me out again. I am trying to stop thinking about it all too much. I’m just going with my feelings. I will speak my feelings a lot more freely now because I trust him to hear me. And hell, I’ll just speak them more freely because I know he’s not the only man in the world. (Please refer to insight #8 above!) 🙂 He’s still treating me like a princess even after my freak-out and truthfully I feel amazed he didn’t run from me! I always thought that’s what was happening in my relationships but the reality is that I was running and/or pushing the men away. Like I said, interesting weekend!

    Shannon



  44.  #44Katie on November 2, 2009 at 11:29 am

    In Marjorie’s post she says “It wasn’t until I felt totally ok with things as they were and stopped struggling so much…”
    By her letting go of control… her man felt that he really wanted to make a commitment – and he knew that she wouldn’t settle for less – so he had to step up, or risk losing her.

    It’s so so difficult to just let go and yet really stand firm on boundaries – I am just trying to get my head (and heart) around this.



  45.  #45Katie on November 2, 2009 at 11:40 am

    I read somewhere in this blog (can’t remember where) anyway somewhere Rori explained that a man will do as LITTLE as possible to keep a relationship going with a woman. This was SUCH a revelation to me it explains my worst mistake with men. They go for the easy option, and guess what I’ve always made it easy, and guess what, I usually seem to get hurt in the end even though it all seemed to be going well.
    Argghhhh!



  46.  #46nikita on November 2, 2009 at 11:41 am

    TW

    yay!!!!!!! I was wondering where you were 🙂

    SS,

    NO. that didn’t feel like rambling at all…..I feel hungry for more of your insights…..I’ve been pretty truthful and it’s only a little scary but they keep calling….



  47.  #47Katie on November 2, 2009 at 11:45 am

    TW – that’s a great exercise – to turn off all the lights etc…

    I want to try that later on today. I think it will help me to stop feeling so negative about my present situation with my ex-love-hope.

    Thanks for that.



  48.  #48Katie on November 2, 2009 at 11:50 am

    Also i love the expression – ‘put him on the back of the horse’ – yep, that’s what I need to do, just keep on the horse and keep riding.

    It’s up to me to get on with my life and stop feeling so bad about my ex and how it all turned out.



  49.  #49nikita on November 2, 2009 at 11:50 am

    SS,

    mmmmm…….I suspected MR. Manly Man was in touch with the Vajayjay….mmmm…….sounds so much like my experience…I didn’t freak out after sex and want to run but I did not want to be tied down as a girlfriend just because we had sex and I was honest about it..but a few weeks later I expressed that I felt better if we were sexually exclusive….he piped up immediately.”I can do that!”………funny……but now I feel ….well….I feel like nesting already!



  50.  #50Tina on November 2, 2009 at 12:06 pm

    lol @ mr. manly being in touch with the vajayjay 🙂 I want a manly man to be in touch with my vajayjay! 🙂 :):)



  51.  #51TW on November 2, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    Ladies..

    I am at work so I will respond more in depth when I get home but the man that I am with now looked at me the other night and told me not to be afraid and to let him lead and all I was required to do was follow. He said he liked me because I let him chase me instead of chasing him so I decided to let him row the boat…

    THANKS RORI.. I finally understand what you have been saying all of this time and it truly does work.



  52.  #52Mary Ann on November 2, 2009 at 12:45 pm

    yay Shannon!! Its surprising how much they will deal with and accept when given the chance.

    tks, 🙂



  53.  #53Mercedes on November 2, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    I liked this post.

    “When I asked him if he was going to sell or rent his house out, however, he said he wasn’t – that he wanted the “option” of going back home whenever he wanted. I told him NO WAY. He was either 100% in, or he wasn’t moving in with me.”

    I loved this part. J and I had the same conversation…only it was me wanting my option. LOL He said no and I live with him full time now. 🙂 Its not just the guys who get a little scared sometimes…and this whole lean back thing can work with us ladies too!

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  54.  #54TW on November 2, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    Mercedes-

    I am so happy for you.. I know you have been battling with this for a long time and it is good to know that you have made a decision that is good for you and that you are comfortable with. I like that.



  55.  #55Katie on November 2, 2009 at 3:00 pm

    I don’t know – but it seems to me that men and women respond and interpret life and love in so completely different ways, almost completely opposite ways.

    Just this August, I was too harsh with a man I have been seeing for two years. And I blew him away – damn. There wasn’t the passion that I need or any mention of commitment, during this time. Eventually I just freaked because I was protecting my heart which had gotten too involved, more so than his. We both had come out of very long term relationships (kids etc) and both had been hurt.
    So a few weeks after we stopped seeing eachother, I told him that i still felt we had a good possible relationship if we could trust eachother more and put the past behind us.

    He’s said he’d prefer it if we were just friends, but I still feel much more than that and I am not going to be a friend with benefits!! I sat at home thinking that I am worth more than that!! Then I found Rori’s ebook and this blog – phew! But just wish it had been some months ago.

    Some evenings I want to just turn up at his door, or send him a card, or ask him out, etc but that’s leaning forward and will probably push him away. I still miss him and I still want him.

    Any ideas, anyone??



  56.  #56Linda on November 2, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    Feeling IS the way to go.

    I am glad that TW is enjoying what she has found or found her.

    I had a man do for me what yours is doing. It does feel absoluelty wonderful.I was his queen, and there was none other none better…as he would say., completely satisfied with me in all things…. He called me twice a day, emailed, was protective, rowed the boat, …. he changed suddenly though… totally blind sided. He decided that he was not “in love with me” after almost 2 years and left. I was devistatied to say the least.

    I think back about how I felt with him. wow makes me happy and sad. Happy that I got to feel like that and sad that it did not last. Rori has made comment that we can choose to look at men as mistakes or something that was just right for that time. sigh….

    What is real, what isnt?… I guess that it is different for different people. When you get all the signs that is is and then it turns out that is wasnt… that messes with my head. I know I need to stay ground in what I feel and be real. That is all that I can count on and some days that is a challange too.

    Linda



  57.  #57Bethany on November 2, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Oh Katie, I want to give you a big hug.

    You know this if you’ve read Rori’s book or her e-letters but here’s a basic, and it’s helped me: Don’t initiate contact. Sit on your hands if you have to. No calls, e-mails, cards.

    Then: work on NOT thinking about him. This is HUGE. I feel myself still struggling with it, but I’m getting better. Have you read the Power & Self-Esteem posts here? Go through starting from the earliest posts.

    You may not want or feel like doing this, but you must do things that are good for you. It may feel annoying and useless, but you must make yourself. I mean exercise, eating right, clearing clutter, whatever you can do to dedicate yourself to you.

    Love your feelings. It sounds like you’re feeling lost, confused, desperate. Those are all legitimate feelings inside you that need you to love them. I know it sounds screwy, but once you get it, that offering loving feelings towards the feelings in your body that are uncomfortable is major, you feel different. And I mean every little icky feeling, you have to love it.

    Oh hell, just read every single post on this blog 🙂



  58.  #58Bethany on November 2, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    AND THEN, Katie, there’s circular dating!!!



  59.  #59Bethany on November 2, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Katie–I mean, sign up online and do it. Come back here and write about any frustration/resistance you feel about it. But it helps. It’s not to make him jealous or so you can “replace” him, it’s about you feeling better inside yourself.

    Wow. I feel like the teacher I’m supposed to go and act like in about three hours.



  60.  #60Bethany on November 2, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    TW–Thank you for that. I wanted to do it at lunch but I didn’t have time. I will clean out my bedroom of clutter, make my bed and do it there.

    Shannon–Thanks for your words. I felt good reading how confident you sound and about how self-forgiving you are of your past mistakes. I looked at your blogger profile and you do indeed look confident and radiant.



  61.  #61Mercedes on November 2, 2009 at 3:34 pm

    TW: Thank you so much! It was really, really hard because I felt like I was giving up my independence but J helped me understand that we can be together this way and I can keep the independence we both love so much. He’s convinced me it is possible…now I have to figure out how to do it! LOL It scares the crap out of me, but it also feels good and so it will be wonderful. Do I have a NV telling me everything is going to change for the worse now? Sure…but…I like how SS put it:

    “All NVs are invited to sit quietly in the corner please.”

    I spent 99% of my time at J’s house…we just had yet to make it a home because I wouldn’t give up my own place (my security blanket if you will) and now I have. Officially, my lease ended on Oct 31st (but I actually moved out quite a while ago)…the security blanket is gone (turned in the keys at the leasing office last week)and it feels scary and wonderful all at the same time.

    We love each other and I am dedicated to figuring out how to be my independent self while we turn his house into our home. I’m a bit confused about how to do that though. My advice to others is to “date” themselves and do things outside of you as a couple. I know that sounds right…and I’ve given myself that advice a lot…but it is strange with us because he wants to be with me all the time and I want the same thing with him. LOL

    On Saturdays, I spend the afternoon shopping or getting my nails done or whatever while he plays pool in a tournament…he sends me text messages all day asking when I’m coming back and telling me he misses me there. I’ll keep shopping, but he makes it hard when we both really just want to be together no matter what we’re doing. Part of me thinks being together all the time (except at work) is a mistake…and part of me wonders if we’re getting to be like people who have just settled and become comfortable as two people who went from best friends to intimate loves. Hmmm…I don’t want to make mistakes here, but…well…I’m confused. LOL

    Maybe Rori can help with this one too…it isn’t exactly on my mind all the time, but it is right there in the back of my mind.

    Are we making a mistake by spending all of our spare time together (a few weeks ago, he bought a plane ticket and then this weekend he flew out to San Diego just because I was there and he didn’t want to spend five days apart from me…)?

    And if it is a mistake, by the time I figure out what a mistake it really is, will be too late?

    Or is it a good thing when a couple comfortably reaches that place?

    Or are my NVs having an argument with my feelings of love and devotion right now?

    LOL…who knows?

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  62.  #62TW on November 2, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Mercedes-

    I jsut say go with what you feel is right… Any time you cross the lines with someone that is a scary thing because sometimes we feel as though we are giving part of ourselves up. I know you are an independent person and you would never give that part of yourself up for anyone so stop worrying and just let it go… I trust that you will be okay and you will find your happy place.



  63.  #63TW on November 2, 2009 at 4:07 pm

    Linda-

    I know how you feel because I spent 8 years on and off with a person but one day I just woke up and was like no more… I am not doing this any more and I am not accepting any less than what I deserve and I took it like that…. I look at him as a learning experience… There were some good and some bad but it all taught me a lesson in life and now I found someone that makes me happy.



  64.  #64Katie on November 2, 2009 at 4:16 pm

    Thanks Bethany, I feel hugged 🙂

    Yep, I think I’d better sit on my texting fingers and wait it out and see if he gets wise enough to realise what he’s missing (or not)! And yes, confused, desperate etc that all figures at least some of the time.

    I have ordered Mod Siren so I can brush up my (authentic) act and get out there. It’s hard, yes it is!! And this blog is great – it’s so good to connect up with all these lovely ladies and warrior women and sirens – and to share our strengths, hopes, dreams, desires, loves, disappointments and to just be real with eachother 🙂



  65.  #65Linda on November 2, 2009 at 4:21 pm

    Katie.. I struggle with my “boy energy”. I have a man I want to show up on his door step… the results imaginary. BUT…have come to the decision that I dont want a relationship that I have manipulated at all. I do want the one that he would initiate if that ever happens, that is what I want. For whatever reason, he is not able, willing, ready, or any combination of who knows what to be available for a relationship with me. That is too much thought into him and his stuff. Keeping my focus on me and what I feel is what I need to keep in from getting de-railed again. That is not productive energy.

    If a man is not in front of you he is not real…. it sounds silly but it is true. It helps me when I get lost in thought wishing, hoping, dreaming… pining away for something that is not real only in my head.

    Go back and read the post a few ago on the difference between girl and boy energy. It helped me discern what I was wrestling with. Doing, telling ,teaching directing is “boy” . For a take charge , keep things in order, and ducks in a row kinda woman that I am it is such a struggle to stop that and just “be”…

    I hope it helps, please go read the post on the girl and boy energy. It was very helpful to me. If that man you were with wants to be your friend… in the words of Rorie… Get your energy out of there…. it is hard but it can be done.

    Linda



  66.  #66tinque on November 2, 2009 at 4:27 pm

    Miss M – I realize that my relationship is not the norm and also not the “recommended” way to be in one. You and I parallel quite a bit as individuals and with our men, so I will tell you how it is for us.
    We spend EVERY spare minute together. It wasn’t planned. It just happened. It evolved the longer we’ve been together. Often we’re doing our own things, but we’re mostly we’re together in the same room doing whatever it is we’re doing. Sometimes he goes outside to garden or stare at the mess in his garage, but he ALWAYS asks me to join him, and usually I do.
    I have the luxury in that I can spend what is for me important time with girlfriends during the week while he’s at work since my schedule is so flexible. He really doesn’t have any special guy friends with whom he hangs out. There is one friend, but he always comes over and hangs out with the two of us. K always wants me there. Sometimes it gets to be too much, so I go in the other room, but eventually K follows me and coaxes me back.
    Now that we’re in CT I have no friends yet, and he’s content to just be with me.
    So if you feel good being with J all the time, there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s only not good if YOU feel it becoming too much.
    Hope that helps.
    xxoo



  67.  #67Flipper on November 3, 2009 at 4:06 am

    ..jes’ be-boppin wit’ vajayjay… nevah say no nay nay… unh humh…unh humh….



  68.  #68TW on November 3, 2009 at 4:49 am

    Flipper—

    You are too funny… I am supposed to be getting ready for work and I am sitting here reading you rap about vajayjays… hilarious



  69.  #69Mercedes on November 3, 2009 at 7:40 am

    Tinque and TW: Thanks ladies! 🙂 Like I said, this isn’t something on my mind a lot, just something I wonder about sometimes. I pretty much go with the idea of something that feels so right just cannot be wrong. I suppose if we get tired of seeing each other so much, we’ll adjust to that…but for now, it just feels right.

    I’m not giving up my shopping Saturdays though…no matter how many tempting text messages he sends…I simply can only watch so much pool! LOL

    Much Love,
    Mercedes



  70.  #70TW on November 3, 2009 at 7:42 am

    Mercedes…

    If that is what makes you happy then as a friend I am happy for you… Do what puts a smile on yoru face… I am so happy right now my heart is beating fast at the thought of the guy that I am with. I simply do nothing and allow him to be in control and he takes the reigns and goes with it…



  71.  #71Ann on November 3, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    I feel so far behind in post. I’m going to try to catch up on reading at least. Altho at the moment I just feel blah and not sure why.



  72.  #72TW on November 3, 2009 at 6:48 pm

    Ann…. How are you? I just started back posting…



  73.  #73cookie on November 3, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    So I’m so happy to read all the progress with my ladies on here! Yes! So I finally am speaking up for myself in the sex dept with my guy. I said I’m starting to feel like a jump off. He asked why I kiss all over you. I said I know I still feel disconnected etc. Can’t remember all the details but being able to really say that much made me that much stronger on the inside. Plus this guy that I’ve been flirting w for yrs was the conductor on the train I was on. Anyway, he recognized me first. When I got on I



  74.  #74cookie on November 3, 2009 at 7:46 pm

    Came on I sat wherever I wanted which was nowhere near his booth. I drifted off. I woke up to him in front of me. I thought that was a good example of leaning back and it actually felt sireny. Yeah!



  75.  #75Tracy on November 4, 2009 at 12:37 am

    TW….
    Totally happy and excited for u…i can actually feels the change in your vibe….feels awesome and i am glad you are back to share with us….yay….



  76.  #76Daria on November 4, 2009 at 12:56 am

    Cookie yay! I feel so glad you spoke up about sex YEAH!

    TW – i feel worried that there’s no mention of circular dating and it just seems that you became exclusive with this man. I feel glad that you let go of control with LI, and I feel a little jealous of the wonderful feelings you feel receiving from this new man, and I feel a little disbelieving that tthis will “work out” with becoming what seems to be exclusive at this point without a out and out commitment from him ie house, ring, wedding date, etc. I feel insecure expressing this and I don’t want to lessen your good feelings, I do feel concerned tightened up though.



  77.  #77Tracy on November 4, 2009 at 6:51 am

    Cookie……yay……feels good to see progress….you rock!!



  78.  #78TW on November 4, 2009 at 7:02 am

    Daria-

    I do still interact with other men…. I actually am meeting a guy later today. Yes the new guy is more of my focus but until I get a ring on my finger then I am still up for grabs. I am glad that you are concerned about me… I have not crossed the physical lines with him yet and I am not sure when that will happen but I enjoy him spending the night with me just talking and holding me through the night… Maybe this will be my Happy Ever After.. Who knows.. I just take it one day at a time.

    Tracy… Thank you my love.. I am having an awesome time…



  79.  #79Simply Shannon on November 4, 2009 at 7:44 am

    TW: I had the same feeling as Daria, and I feel so happy to hear you say you’re still circular dating!

    Daria: Thanks for expressing your feelings to TW! I had the same sort of gut feeling reaction (like wow… but nervousness at the same time). I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling that way. At first I thought jealousy and didn’t want to project my bad feelings onto TW. You said it perfectly!



  80.  #80TW on November 4, 2009 at 7:51 am

    Simply Shannon-

    I love you ladies and I thank you so much for your concern… I really like this guy and things are moving so fast but it just may be right this time you know. There are so many things that I have wanted that I never got emotionally and now I am getting them. He is okay with just sleeping next to me until I am ready for sex. He calls me ever morning just to say have a good day. He text me throughout the day to say he is thinking about me. He holds my hand while I am sleeping. He told me that he was falling for me and that if the words I love you escaped his lips then I need to prepare myself to become his wife. This situation is so effortless… Rori is right.. You really do not have to do anything at all..



  81.  #81nikita on November 4, 2009 at 8:43 am

    I feel weird..I don’t like being contacted everyday….but I feel like maybe a guy doesn’t like me if he doesn’t…

    frowny face.

    my ex got into the habit of calling me multiple times a day at the beginning…but I felt annoyed and prefer escaping into my rabbit hole for a little while…..

    I really liked him too..but it felt like too much….

    I want a man to like me enough to be inspired for everyday contact but I don’t like it 🙁

    Is that the only way to measure interest….everyday contact….?

    help…xxnikita



  82.  #82TW on November 4, 2009 at 8:55 am

    NIKITA-
    Interest is whatever it means and feels to you… If you do not like contact every day then you just dont like it and need to express what you feel and not bottle it up. YOU are in control of your wants and needs so if you feel like dating is the right thing then date if you feel like talking all day then talk.. If you don’t want anything then don’t do anything… It is your world and whatever you want in it…



  83.  #83Simply Shannon on November 4, 2009 at 9:03 am

    Nikita: I feel curious because I feel like this too sometimes. I wonder if I feel bothered not because he’s contacting me every day but because **I** am available to him every day. Maybe I’m leaning forward a bit just by replying or answering his contact all the time. Like I’m giving away more of my day (and myself) than I feel comfortable giving. It feels difficult not to answer the phone or be available but sometimes I need space and time to do the things I enjoy doing alone.

    For me, it’s that NV in my head saying I have to respond when he calls. I have to be the invitation. No I don’t. I only have to do what I feel like doing and if answering the phone right then feels annoying then I don’t need to do that. I can always call him back later when I’m available and open to receiving again.



  84.  #84nikita on November 4, 2009 at 11:27 am

    SS,

    I can feel that…….but I’m more concerned with….if he’s not contacting me……is that a red flag?

    I do feel guilty ignoring the phone…..I am good at it but I feel bad…..and then I have to play “worst case scenario”;he’s psychic and knows I’m available but ignoring so he’ll never call again…oh well!

    but that feels like throwing the baby out with the bathwater….Then if he’s not calling….I feel like ; what’s his problem? is he losing focus?….but again-I don’t want to build the habit of ALWAYS talking….some days I like to be invisible and reflect on the events of dating….I like taking a step back for air…..do not take me by storm! let me breathe, seep in slowly 🙂



  85.  #85Simply Shannon on November 4, 2009 at 11:38 am

    Nikita: I feel confused. Is he contacting you every day? I thought that was what was bothering you. And yes, I get that feeling too if he’s not contacting me every day, like why isn’t he? 😉

    For me, the red flag would be ME noticing that he hasn’t called. That might feel like I’m putting him in the center of my universe instead of ME being there. My fingers feel all jittery about that for some reason. I feel so scared to fall back into my old habits and not focusing on me. I don’t want to lose myself in a man again. So yes, for me that would be a red flag, but maybe not for the same reasons as you might be considering.



  86.  #86Rori Raye on November 4, 2009 at 11:58 am

    nikita – the trick here – is to NOT play ANYTHING. You have to truly BE busy. You have to have a “masculine” agenda and plans and strategy for your OWN life. Your work, your contribution to the world. We’re all psychic in this way. The “vibe” tells the truth. If you’re pretending – we can all feel it. So focus not on NOT pretending. Focus on YOU. If he doesn’t call, he doesn’t call. What’s important here is – what are you doing, how are you BEING, when he DOES call? How are you connecting when you DO talk? Love, Rori



  87.  #87nikita on November 4, 2009 at 1:15 pm

    Hi Rori,

    thanks…I was just thinking about you…I haven’t asked you a direct question because I assume you are “too busy”
    for me 🙂 so I feel lovely getting your yummy attention!

    SS,

    I notice he does not call everyday….but I like it. I feel like our rhythms are the same….so it feels good for me. Then I read about other relationships and I compare….and then I get thinky and wonder…..am I being short-changed energetically?
    Am I energetically pushing men away? Why am I comparing?
    I am in limbo….I’m moving to another state this month….so I have so little to do until I get there….maybe a week or two….but I am sooooooo in limbo….until the movers come….sigh….



  88.  #88nikita on November 4, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    But … I am taking myself out tonight 🙂

    a date with ME !!!



  89.  #89TW on November 4, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    nikita-

    that is awesome..dating yourself.. what state are you moving to? do you think your anxiety or confusion is coming from moving to somewhere new and making that big of a change



  90.  #90nikita on November 4, 2009 at 2:50 pm

    TW,

    pennsylvania……..I don’t feel anxious…..I feel….

    why date in this state when I’m leaving it….and I’m not in the other state yet…..so…….blech……I’ve moved so much in my life it’s more of an adventure than a change….My roommate already left so I’m alone and thinking way too much. I don’t watch T.V. at all! zero——-so it’s just me……..I’m ready to spring into action but I’m in this holding pattern at the moment.



  91.  #91TW on November 4, 2009 at 3:02 pm

    NIKITA-

    That is interesting… I have never been to Pennsylvania before and I am glad that you look at it as an adventure instead of a negative thing. I would be sad about moving because I am so settle where I am… Well when you get settled there, it will be all kinds of new men you can experience. I guess I can see it your way of not getting involved with anyone before leaving if you are not willing or just do not care to do the long distance thing. I hope when you get there you find a handsome gentleman that treats you like the princess that you are.. Love you girl



  92.  #92nikita on November 4, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    TW

    thx! i previewed the men and they are my type 🙂



  93.  #93TW on November 5, 2009 at 6:13 am

    Nikita-

    Go get em girl…



  94.  #94Lisa on November 17, 2009 at 7:42 am

    Need advise..My question is..what do I do next or should I say more?
    I finally had the committment talk again with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. The first talk was 5 mos ago where I had no idea how to talk to him. He said he was not ready. After Rory’s committment blueprint and book I was ready to try it again. I must say it came out exactly as planned. We have 2 homes as we live together every other week when I do not have my children.
    I explained to him that I feel I am ready for more of a committment than the exclusive girlfriend and why. I went on to say that I would remain exclusive while he thinks about it! As I started out of the room his comment to me was..It sounds like an ultimatum. I replied that it was not meant to be that way.

    We then went to bed where I could not sleep all night. I got up this morning at 5am and kissed him/said I couldn’t sleep and went home. I realize I couldn’t be next to him.
    Since this is very unusual that I leave..he texted me on my way home “is everything alright?”
    I texted him back “well, I do feel a bit rejected at our conversation last night..but I’m ok. I need for you to know that I am feeling ready for a different level of committment and although I try not to go there I know that is what my heart needs!”
    Now what? Stay away from it?? Or should I back out of my text?
    By the way..the committment blueprint worked exactly the way you stated up until my speech. I obviously need to order your modern siren and other programs as well…thanks for your dedication to helping all woman!



  95.  #95TW on November 17, 2009 at 8:04 am

    Lisa-

    Biggest mistake ever was you telling him that you would remain exclusive while he figured it out. You gave him a ticket to stall….. He knows that no matter how long it takes him that you are going to be sitting right there. You shoudl really sit down and think about what you really want and then post it here and let these wonderful ladies help you with it.. They have helped me several times so with that being said that is how I know they are a great help. You should really go back and read Rori’s post about circular dating because that is what you really need to think about is practicing the tools on other men.



  96.  #96ShaShaFierce on November 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm

    Good job Marjorie…best of luck to you!



  97.  #97Rick on October 10, 2011 at 10:27 am

    I am a man, I saw your site and thought a woman would probably be my best help. So here it goes. I am married
    for 27 years. For the past 10 years my wife and I grew apart. We talked about it, went for counseling and realized we are not in love any more. We live like best friends and roommates. Not like a husband and wife. My wife also over these 10 years has lost interest in sex, she blames it on early menopausal issues. So we decided to divorce. We are both fine in all this. Here is the problem, I met a woman 4 years ago and started a friendship with her that grew into a love relationship between us. Even though it was against both our principles we made love and fell in love. My girlfriend knew all up front,except shethought our divorce would have been faster, which is my fault because I wanted my wife to initiate the process. Before I met this woman four years ago my wife said she wanted a divorce.
    So I waited for her to initiate the process, not knowing I would fall for another woman. The reason for the delay in our divorce was financial, too many things hit all at once.
    You name it it happened, my daughter was going to college, the economy got bad, my investments tanked on me, and job loss. So now I am in the process of my divorce but my girlfriend feels she fell out of love with me. She feels I should have moved it faster for us to be together. Now she tells me that she does not want sex which we have been holding off of any way and says get the divorce and we will see how she feels after this. Now in between all this she has been true to me and I true to her. She mentioned that somebody was interested in courting her and asked me how I felt? I said I am in love with her and her only and asked her not to let anybody in between.
    I want to marry her and have a family with her. So far she has not let anybody in. As per her request, she just wants to see eachother as friends which is what we are doing. We get together play tennis, go to a movie, have dinner etc. Her rule is no intamacy till I am divorced, I agreed. I am in love with her no doubt, I know she loves me no doubt.
    I just wonder can she fall back in love with me? How do I handle this? I don’t want to lose her. How do I keep her without pressuring her? I don’t want to smother her yet I want her to know I am there for her. How do I reassure her of this as I go through the process of divorce. I am finding my relationship with her tougher than the divorce because as a man I don’t know if I am reading her right. I lover so much and she knows it, yet I feel I could lose her if I don’t play my cards right. I hope you can help me. Signed, Rick, A man lost in love as he goes through a divorce.



  98.  #98Jilly on October 10, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Hey Rick…most everyone is over on the post “are you a flypaper”

    …you sound like a really genuine guy…I hope you saw the post to you from Daria