From Pain to Power – It’s Not Heartbreak He Did To You – It’s YOURS

Untitled design (14)

brokenheart200Heartache and Heartbreak happen to us all.  We love, we feel, we give, we open, and then a door closes, and it feels like our life just disappears.  Puff of smoke.  Gone like a magician’s trick. Pain, hurt, fear…it can live with us for days, and then we recover, or it can dog us our whole lives and make our world smaller.

We don’t have to “move on” from any man.  “Moving On” sounds to me like you’re stepping over his dead body and moving onto the next man.  Instead – just imagine moving Forward (not Leaning Forward when you’re with a man, but moving forward in your life…using your masculine energy to help you, yes…).

Here’s a letter from Sandra…who’s totally stuck…and I know we can all help her:

“Rori, Its really hard to have normal reactions with my baby’s daddy–I used to be so stuck on him, his looks, the dream of us being together as a family.

We would go along great, he would chase me, we would do family things with our little boy then his friends would have a party and he would disappear for days, weekends, never call, forget to his arrangements with our son, act cold and angry with me when I would cry and try to talk to him.

One day, I got sick of it all and went to his house in a taxi and he wasn’t home. I wandered around and when I went back I saw his lights were on and loud music was coming out of his back deck. When I knocked, his friend came to the door and told me to get lost. I persisted, stupidly and Jay came to the door and spit on me and pushed me back really hard and shut the door on my face. I never forgot the look on his face–that was the end of our long two year engagement. Now, from that ugly lesson, I never pursue a guy. When I feel pressured or jealous, I quit.

Why? I never want to go through that humiliation and pain and I have even dumped nice guys for no reason, just because I was scared to get hurt and things were not going along as smooth as I would like. My friends tell every guy that I am a heart breaker and cold and closed up or that I am a Feminist and I hate men.

Some days I wonder if I will ever get over this terrible heartbreak and I keep taking out my hurt on innocent guys and on myself because the hurt is so much for me. Sandra”

Here’s my answer:

Briefly…Sandra, here’s the thing. You don’t have to be afraid.

YOU are in CONTROL.

YOU did this to YOU – he didn’t. He was a louse, but he didn’t come to your house, grab your hair and drag you anywhere.

YOU went to HIM. YOU CHOSE him.

This means – instead of beating yourself up over the past ( look at what Rihanna let happen to her!) –  resolve to treat YOURSELF better NOW.

You can do this!

This is NOT about heartbreak. He was a disaster all along. It was your judgment, your self-esteem that was the problem then…and it doesn’t have to be that way now…

Here’s a great story from Carla:

“Dear Rori,    I wanted to let you know that one year ago I found your website online and purchased ALL of your CD’s. I was commuting 3 hours per day at that time, so I listened to them continually each day. They (you) completely transformed my life… I had at that time been in an 11 year relationship with a very toxic man and could not seem to get free of it.

When I first started with your program, my goal was to transform that relationship. Instead, what happened was as I practiced the feeling messages and the circular dating tools, he left for another women. It was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me… 3 days after the breakup, a wonderful man walked into my life.

A completely emotionally available, loving, and mature man. We actually met at our Church’s coffee shop. A great place to meet a man.    We have now been dating for 6 months and he gave me a promise ring this weekend to let me “know that he is serious about a future with me”. He has passed the test of friends, family, and even therapist who all say that he is a good man… I am thrilled!

I absolutely don’t believe that I would be in such a fulfilling relationship if I had not found your CD’s. I have shared with anyone who wants to know how I “got such a good man.” Thank you so much for the good work you do for women. You genuinely transform lives!   Carla”

I thank Carla for giving me credit, but she did it herself! And YOU can, too.

The trick to not letting “hurt” from the past get to you NOW – is to realize that YOU are in control of so much more than you give yourself credit for.

Remember – YOU were THERE!  You did things, and said things, and tolerated things.  You were THERE.  That means…

You DON’T HAVE TO BE THERE!

This means you can CHOOSE to be there or not when you don’t feel good about what’s going on.

You can choose to stay quiet and accept poor treatment and no love, or you can choose to Speak your Truth.  You can choose to practice being brave – not by arguing, but by doing what feels GOOD.  Not what feels like “revenge” – or “getting it off your chest” – but by telling the Truth.  Sharing what you feel – no matter how angry it is – in a way that OWNS your feelings, rather than making HIM responsible for them.

In order to be hurt – you have to be there.

And sometimes, yes, it’s an accident – but you know it’s an accident and you get out of there as fast as you can.

If you can trust yourself just enough to believe you’ll know when it feels good to be there, and when it doesn’t…and practice letting that trust help you open your heart to whatever man is standing before you – trusting that YOU will know when to stay and be there, and when to get your energy out of there – you will get the love, romance and relationship you want.

You’ll know when you’re just protecting your heart for no reason – in defense for something that hasn’t even happened yet – and when you’re walkingaway – even for just a moment – because you FEEL bad.

It takes practice.  It takes a bit of skills, and you can get those skills by practicing the Tools.

Please let me know about your specific and unique stories… and about moments when you’re able to feel like you have a choice and can see and experience things differently than you once did.  Let me know how you’re practicing now…and we’ll talk more here about how to short circuit those automatic reactions like Sandra is enduring.

Love, Rori

83 Comments

  1.  #1Ann on December 4, 2009 at 7:57 pm

    Hello ladies. I haven’t been able to keep up much lately so I haven’t commented alot. But when I read this post I felt like the universe was telling me “YEAH you’re slowly getting it” Lately I’ve been focusing more on what feels good in any situation. And it’s up to me to speak up or get the heck out of there if it doesn’t feel good. Thanks Rori for teaching us we can do it.



  2.  #2DocK on December 4, 2009 at 9:04 pm

    Hi Ann. Good to hear you. I’ve missed your presence.



  3.  #3Mary on December 4, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Well, this speaks to me so powerfully: “If you can trust yourself just enough to believe you’ll know when it feels good to be there, and when it doesn’t…and practice letting that trust help you open your heart to whatever man is standing before you – trusting that YOU will know when to stay and be there, and when to get your energy out of there – you will get the love, romance and relationship you want.”

    I have sort of drifted back to my ex-fiancee, even though I’m not sure I want to be with him. He caused me so much pain that I took myself out of circulation for a year and a half. I stayed home and read books, listened to CDs and did self-help workbooks. Now he wants me back. After all the talk about sex and circular dating, I almost decided to go back with him. Wow, I nearly said I would marry him. I mean, I’m spending lots of time with him right now, and the other guy is out of town. I don’t know what will happen when he gets back. But I don’t really want to date this guy exclusively! I don’t think… actually, I’m so confused I can’t even make a decision that will stick for hours. When I get with him, I just melt. I need to just trust myself to know when it feels good, eh? And get out of there when it feels bad… oh! I hope I can do that!



  4.  #4Simply Shannon on December 5, 2009 at 1:15 am

    I have nothing to say from this particular post (have not read it yet). Just wanted to post that I had the most AMAZING date tonight. OMgosh. Seriously. Wowser. Totally unexpected. I cannot formulate clear thoughts at the moment. Kissing him was A-effin’-mazing. Holy freakin’ cow. Yeah. That was completely unreal. On a scale from 1 to 10 that was off the freaking charts. I cannot even… wow. Okay no, just wow. Yeah, I will read tomorrow. Holy mercy. Unreal.



  5.  #5Paula on December 5, 2009 at 2:07 am

    I feel hopeful that I am learning to trust myself more and not stay in a situation if it doesn’t feel good. I feel a bit scared that if I take my energy out of a situation that doesn’t feel good, maybe I’ll always be alone. Examples are 2 guys that I was circular dating. One stood me up, one wants me to come to see him – (he won’t make an effort to see me). I’m not putting any energy into either of those guys. I would have done in the past with my ex. He often stood me up, I did all the travelling. I didn’t feel good at all about that.

    But will I start to attract better quality men? What if I don’t? I feel despair.

    I feel very down these days as I’m not having any luck finding work.

    I feel supported by this blog – especially the post on the toxic relationships. I’m going to try to keep up to date on this post!



  6.  #6Mary on December 5, 2009 at 2:17 am

    Paula,

    I am so glad you’re withholding your beautiful, feminine energy from these guys, and my hope is that you’ll find someone better, and that you’ll find a job, too! It’s a difficult market right now because of the recession. Men feel like they need jobs to have women, and lots of very good men are out of work. Maybe some better times are just on the horizon.



  7.  #7Paula on December 5, 2009 at 2:30 am

    Thanks Mary. I feel really appreciative of your kind words.

    I feel so rejected when I don’t get a job that I apply for. I went for an interview recently and I did really well and I was so not prepared for their response ‘”we were very impressed by you, we’re sure you’ll do very well in the future, we’ve decided to offer the position to someone else'”. I felt so disappointed and devastated and I felt ashamed.

    But I’ve picked myself up and I’m applying for LOTS of jobs again. I feel like a warrior. I feel determined to find work and make some changes in my life.



  8.  #8Mary on December 5, 2009 at 2:54 am

    I’m glad you’re so positive! And I’ll be thinking of you as a warrior and praying for you tomorrow. And the day after that, and the day after that, if that is what it takes. I’m working on my real estate license, and I’m studying hard. Then will come the actual getting out there, where you are now. I admire your courage! Probably they gave your job to someone’s niece, because she’s a single parent or something. I hear about that kind of thing happening everywhere. You feel bad about not getting the job, and they gave it to someone they already knew. You didn’t even have a chance! Maybe you’ll have a real chance soon. Putting the other foot out there sometimes gets you to the goal. My friend just decided to send out the very same resumes to the very same companies a second time, and one of the companies hired her! They thought she was diligent.



  9.  #9dawn on December 5, 2009 at 4:46 am

    Hi there Paula. You are really very lucky if you think about it. I dont know what your previous job was or if you even enjoyed it but this may be an opportunity for you to get the job you really want . Find your bliss? Good luck in your search !



  10.  #10Paula on December 5, 2009 at 6:30 am

    Hi Dawn, you’re right – this is an opportunity for me! I was dieing a slow death in my old job. It was soul destroying. I am trying to follow my dream of moving to France. I feel scared of doing interviews in French and I can feel daunted by the move BUT yes It feels exciting and I feel sure that it’s what I want to do next in my life.

    I just forget my dream sometimes and I feel discouraged and I feel hopeless. I feel the same about having a good relationship too 🙂

    My real dream is to have a shop in a small town in the South of France with a good man by my side and friends and neighbours. Mr Long Distance says that’s his dream too. We’ll see…..



  11.  #11Tracy on December 5, 2009 at 9:44 am

    this post really triggers me….in a good way…
    I felt really stuck with my past relationships….i feel that now i am in a good place and i feel happy and excited about everything happening in my life.
    I am learning to love myself unconditionally.I feel that i am really discovering myself.
    I feel hopeful about the future and that something good is coming…something that feels good for me.
    I love that i am letting go of the pain.it feels good to let go of past baggage..my horse feels much lighter.Thanks Rori and all the sirens…



  12.  #12Tara on December 5, 2009 at 9:57 am

    Go, Shannon! Your great date experience gives me hope. Happy for you, too! 😀

    Paula, your dream sounds amazing. Don’t give up — as Rori, says, we are in control of so much more than we think. You can do it.
    (I want to get my Ph.D. in Scotland and then teach there while I write, so I can relate to the dream of living in Europe).

    This post of Rori’s was so exactly what I needed to hear this week. I would love to learn more about using my masculine energy (which predominates) to help me move forward. Also, I want to learn how to know when it feels good and when it doesn’t.
    I have a problem with the automatic reactions kicking in — that’s what undid me this past week when I was getting triggered and missing Steve so much that I made the mistake of engaging in texting with him to set up a date that got rescheduled and then cancelled by him at the last minute (“Got hung up in a meeting”), followed by him saying he would call later (of course he didn’t).
    That didn’t feel good! I’d love to Speak My Truth to Steve, and let him know how I feel, but he hasn’t given me any “face time” in almost a month. Every blasted time we’ve set up a date, he’s had something “come up” at work — surgeries, meetings, testing, end-of-year inventory, etc. (He has an important job at a major hospital, but for the past year, we’ve managed to see each other at least once a week or so).
    I feel angry and frustrated. I want to get my energy away from him but am having trouble breaking my addiction to him. I want to tell him how I feel, but can’t even get in front of him to do it. I’m sick of being nice and “taking it.”
    Advice?
    Tara



  13.  #13Angeline on December 5, 2009 at 10:52 am

    Not to get off topic, but what’s so wrong about being a feminist? I feel really proud to be a feminist. I want women to be happy and free, so I’m a feminist. I feel triggered when people put down feminists. I feel angry and frustrated.



  14.  #14Melanie on December 5, 2009 at 11:38 am

    I have a question about leaning back/receiving/feminine energy. When saying goodnight via texting, if he is the last one to text that night, “I love you too. Goodnight. Kisses,” then is it “my turn” in the morning, or am I supposed to wait for him to text first because it’s a new day???



  15.  #15laughing goddess on December 5, 2009 at 12:32 pm

    I have a similar question to melanie’s. I was wondering if it would be leaning forward to send a little email (using feeling messages) to express how much fun I had with him the night before.

    I was just composing a letter to J:

    “I had a lot of fun last night. It felt good to have you over.”

    The funny thing is, as I was writing the letter and basking in good feelings about him, he called me. I didn’t even have to send the letter because I was able to express my feelings on the phone. And the cool thing is, I knew what I Wanted to say and had the feeling messages ready.

    This has happened several times where I will be writing him an email of appreciation and he will call. It seems like he can feel my appreciative vibes and responds before the email even gets sent.

    Has anybody else had this experience?

    I feel very relieved when he calls as I am writing the email, because then I don’t have to send it and feel weird from wondering if I am leaning forward.



  16.  #16laughing goddess on December 5, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    Ahhhh, I feel good. I feel connected to my good feelings. I feel connected to god.

    I feel weird using the word god because I know it can be triggering for people and everyone has their own definition of what it means. For me, it means light, love, wisdom, connection. Not any dogma about what is right or wrong…just feeling good and knowing all is well. I feel at peace when I am connected…in alignment with source.

    When I feel connected to god, I feel accepting of myself and others. I am able to see the good in them. I focus on the good in myself and others. I so love feeling that way.

    It seems so simple…like it’s just a matter of choice. Do I want to focus on the good in myself, this situation or do I want to focus on what’s not working?

    It seems simple but it’s not always. I have this part of me that wants to critique, analyze, improve everything. Schooling definitely trained that part of my brain.

    But right now, I’m going to let that part of me rest and I am going to take life slowly, gonna relax, and trust that all is well.



  17.  #17laughing goddess on December 5, 2009 at 12:46 pm

    Gonna focus on feeling good.



  18.  #18gina on December 5, 2009 at 1:28 pm

    I felt so challenged by my relationship with Johnny. When I didn’t understand his behavior, it felt awful, but that wasn’t enough to make me feel okay to leave. I felt like I had to figure it out, and, actually I am convinced that I have figured out the main part: I believe that he was a compulsive liar. The night that I got so tripped out – I was sensing that he wasn’t who I had thought he was. I was thinking that he was just a piece of crap trying to be so much more. that he was embellishing his accent. that he worked so hard on his body to emulate greatness. that he wasn’t grabbing my boobs cause he was “supposed” to be above that, somehow. I was thinking all these things. And I had a feeling that I just wanted to run. But then, afterwords, I believed that I must’ve been crazy and judgmental and afraid of intimacy. But then, over the next couple of months, he PROVED what I had been sensing: that there is a major gap between who he actually is (his actual impulses, feelings, tendencies, etc) and who he was trying to be in order to “get” me. And since he wanted me, sometimes his behavior was in my favor, but it wasn’t consistent because he didn’t actually care about me. The crappy feelings weren’t enough for me to stop wanting him for some reason – it wasn’t until I researched compulsive liars and their narcissistic personality disorder, that I began to feel relief and ready to move on. Up until then, I had a hard time believing that he really was lying and making up excuses and being as bizarre as he was. Now that I see that he fits the criteria so well, I take comfort knowing it was HIS problem not mine. But, yes, I was there. And, yes, I stayed for a while to be good and sure that feeling bad wasn’t “my fault.” …interesting.
    I feel compassion for him. and I feel ready to meet a healthy man.



  19.  #19gina on December 5, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    actually, *I* didn’t think he was a piece of crap- i sensed that he hates himself.



  20.  #20ABC on December 5, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    thank you Rori, it just feels inspirational to read your blog and newsletter, i love the blog i come here everyday and feel motivated and transformational each and every time.

    not long ago i was in “blame” mode too, then i found myself stuck and started accepting the responsibility for my own emotions. i realized as i do that, i no longer beat myself up for what happened, instead, i just accepted and still love myself regardless. it’s not an easy process. i realized i get this from my mother. she would do something and regret it later, she still does that anyway. i also see that she’s very insecure, before i would always get into arguments with her—to try to make her to set good role models for me. then after reading your blog and letters, i realized that’s me trying to “get control” of everything and everybody. having her to do what i want her to do and feel reflects on my own control issue and constant need for approval and validation from her, and outside of myself.

    i realized i can’t control anything. i am learning to let go of that control little by little.

    i trust myself a lot more nowadays. i know when feelings come up, they are there for a reason. So I just allow myself to FEEL. i start to recognize more when i feel fearful and anxious. sometimes the fears are made up in my head, sometimes they are there to warn me of the real danger. now i feel more connected to myself.

    and i am attracting better men too. even men who used to doormats are amazed with my boundary and confidence and the words that i use with them. they would go from trying to treat me just like every other girl to someone they treat SERIOUSLY. an example would be this guy came up to me at a business banquet (he tried to ask me out last minute on a friday night and i said no) and complained about me not going out with him, i just told him straight up that i don’t accept last minute invitations and if he wanted to do something with me, he needed to ask me in advance. he was totally shocked by what i said–i guess no one had ever said that to him before. i couldn’t care less if he ever asks me out again so i said after the dinner see you next year, he said who knows, maybe i would see you next week, and gave me a big smile. i get it now that when i stick to my boundary and not have an agenda, men really show respect for me.

    it is so true that there are a lot of good men out there. i couldn’t find any of them before because i was at the bottom, so all i could see and hang out with are men who were at my level.

    Now i am up high, so i attract better men, and i can really see them, talk to them, and FEEL CONNECTED to them, and know in my heart that i trust myself to make any decisions and moves. it feels wonderful to know that i don’t have to CATCH any man who passes my life, if they want me, they would try to catch me and win me instead. he would pursue. i am trying to get used to being pursued, whereas before i saw that as a “needy quality” of men, then i realized when i like someone i was also like that, do i call myself needy? NO. they just really like me, and when you like someone, you would want to be with them, talk to them, and do stuff with them…i get that i am resolving my own fear of intimacy issue with men who want to be with me. men who seem indifferent just turn me off.

    i am also trying to resolve my sexuality issues by opening that part of myself to ME and still accept her and love her. sex is a big trigger, i am trying to work on this next as i continue my own personal growth.

    with your tool and expertise, i believe i can do it.

    love,
    ABC



  21.  #21Mary on December 5, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    Hi Tara,

    I was really with you when you were describing how you’ve been missing Steve and wanting “face time” with him. Not seeing him for a month or so is a long time! I’ll bet that has been painful for you, if you’re not dating other people. I think that’s what Rori meant when she said that we do it to ourselves, because we take ourselves to the places of our pain, and we keep ourselves there.

    Are you seeing other men? Would you be able to just get totally off of the Steve track so that even the mention of him would make you have to jog your memory about how things were with him? Or do you find that you replay the last times you saw him over and over again? And if so, is there any way to switch your thinking, like you were switching the track of a train? Just turn the switch over to something else? And let your thoughts flow along the new pathway? Figure out your triggers and plan for them? Know what you’ll switch to if you get triggered? If so, that would be your boy energy. I call it my head, thinking.

    I have been soooooooo addicted to this guy that I’m seeing now, and we’ve been split for a year and a half and are seeing each other again. I find that I feel differently about him now. More remote. Very cautious. And I have a lot of places for my thinking to go, because I’ve created a few new pathways. It was difficult, because I loved my obsession. And I think I wanted him to be something that he was not. I wanted him to be present with me. He was not. I wanted him to be more affectionate. He was not. I wanted him to want only me. He did not. And something made me just keep wanting. I got addicted to the wanting.

    And then we split. And now it’s just different. He’s here with me now in a new way, and I’m more nonchalant about it. It’s like I got what I wanted, and I’m not so sure it’s everything I was thinking it could be.

    It’s almost like when you’ve been on a diet so long that the taste of chocolate cake, when you finally do eat it, isn’t as good as you thought it would be.

    Hey, am I preaching or teaching? If so, I’m sorry! I just wanted to share my experience because I was tracking along with yours. I was in so much pain, and looking back, I know it’s because I kept myself there! I wanted the pain for some crazy reason. And the guy was sooooo ambivalent about me.

    It was a very interesting post for me.

    I think I wanted the pain because I wanted to be married, and it wasn’t happening. And I wanted to be married, because I felt inadequate about getting out and about in the world by myself. And I needed someone to validate my desirability, and to be company for me, as I wasn’t sure I could be good company for myself. I liked being the indian instead of the chief, because I couldn’t handle consequences for decisions. And by being the helpmeet for someone else, I did not need an identity of my own, so nothing was required of me by the world.

    Now I am being more present with myself and with others, and I’m working on a career. So everything has changed! The focus is off the guy and more on what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. And Rori’s tools and CDs helped so much with that process. Thank you, Rori… I’m HOPING I can feel things if they start going wrong again and take myself out of there! I’m just going to go confidantly forward and keep feeling my way along.

    Good luck to you with your process, Tara.



  22.  #22tinque on December 5, 2009 at 5:26 pm

    Angeline – being in your feminine energy and being a feminist are not mutually exclusive. they can and do
    co-exist beautifully together. being soft does not mean relinquishing your power. if anything it strengthens it. it also does not mean submissiveness. melting into your feminine energy is love, and there is nothing more powerful than love.

    ABC – “I am also trying to resolve my sexuality issues by opening that part of myself to ME”
    This is THE BEST place to start, the only place really. Explore. Experiment. Masturbate. Lots.
    xxoo



  23.  #23Linda on December 5, 2009 at 6:17 pm

    I have been reading thru all the posts. Just been really busy and have gotten behind on all the updates.

    I had a impromtu meeting with ex-bull rider yesterday. He has been calling me or texting most the week. The talks are okay. But I am picking up on little quirks of his that I am just not attracted to. He really did not look like his pictures. He reached out to touch my hand and his hands were so rough, I never wanted him to touch me again. Ugh…. I was supposed to go out to dinner tonite with him. I have been crazy busy preparing and giving a baby shower for my daughter today. I told him I would be free around 6. At four I checked my phone and he had sent a really mean text…. Said he was really busy and that if he did not hear from me he would consider we were off tonight. He was tired of being played for a free dinner. CAN YOU SAY TRIGGER. This guy feels pushy and manipulative, he did it once before. NOT my kind of guy. Come on.. I was totally busy from 9 AM to 5 and I told him I would text when I got done and would be free by 6. So…. I am not going there. I just text back and said “I have been crazy busy with the shower all day just got free but did not appreciate his accusations of me Playin Him ! He could consider us off for tonight and beyond. We were not a good match. Ok… done with that dude.

    I feel really good about dumpin this guy. I am not going to waste time …. He is a NO WAY!!…

    My circular dating is giving me really good practice and I am getting so quick at spotting stuff. I cant tell you how great it is to feel my way through things and not be logical all the time. If it feels bad I look to see if its me some insecurity in me or a strength that is just guiding me. This is working for me great.

    I have been thinking about the email that Mr Scrutiny sent me. I feel like he spit in my face. His words filled with passive aggressive judgement and claiming it as discernment. There is no “wishing or wanting” around him anymore. He absolutely repulses me and has so insulted me. I feel just like what happened to the woman in this post. Being spat on even if it is not actural but and done in words and actions is humiliating and DONT GO THERE EVER WITH ME. My ex husband yelled at me and said…” if you are unhappy then go….. and I did….. I am a kind giving woman, but I have my limit.

    It is so empowering to say what I wont put up with wont do. I should have done it along time ago.!!!!

    Linda



  24.  #24tinque on December 5, 2009 at 6:33 pm

    Good for you Linda. Good for you. On all counts.
    xxoo



  25.  #25Daria on December 5, 2009 at 7:18 pm

    wow Mary this really resonates with me

    “And I wanted to be married, because I felt inadequate about getting out and about in the world by myself. And I needed someone to validate my desirability, and to be company for me, as I wasn’t sure I could be good company for myself.”

    thank you. this feels like little bell ringing clear and revealed from under a napkin



  26.  #26Tracy on December 5, 2009 at 7:50 pm

    Mary,Daria
    Totally resonate with that too.I feel glad that i am learning to love and accept myself unconditionally.Its been a long road there is still the future to come but i feel more grounded.
    My EX who is about to get married told me that the reason i was single was because i spent too much time studying…and if i wasn’t careful i was going to end up alone.I felt angry at his judgement and i felt frustrated because i really love to read and my timetable is full of courses i love to take when i am not working.
    Lately though i have felt that i love reading spiritual books more and i am leaning towards that now.
    I feel now that he just reflected my fears and only said them out aloud for me to hear.My fears that the path i choose to take and the life i choose to live may interfere with settling down.
    I feel better trying all kinds of things and feeling freedom to study and travel and do all kinds of things…experience life in its very essence without the fear or time limitations.I feel acceptance that with or without a man my life will be beautiful and grand because the joy i seek to experience each day comes from within and not without.
    I feel no need to seek validation of my desirability or love from outside.It feels pointless.i have done it before it didn’t work out.
    I am learning o love what is…experience the love that is around me and i realize that it is so much more than i could ever dream of…



  27.  #27Jennifer on December 5, 2009 at 8:12 pm

    totally resonate with this post.
    I emailed B. I don’t know if it’s considered leaning forward or not but I think if I have feelings about the situation I should tell him.
    He emailed back “I feel empty too. I do not feel happy about this situation”
    I didn’t understand that. So I called him (yes, leaning forward again)
    He said he could not explain that comment. He is trying to work it out.
    I said that I did not understand not understanding his feelings. That feels like BS to me.
    I told him I felt so disappointed that he had not done anything to show me how he felt.
    I told him that if he had decided he could not or would not show me that he wanted to be with me that he should let me know. It feels like torture to be stuck in between and not know.
    I told him I had to SEE what he wanted that words don’t cut it. He said he doesn’t know what to do to show me. I said that I couldn’t tell him what to do, he had to show me the feelings he had inside in actions. If I tell him it doesn’t mean anything.
    I guess I could have avoided all this if I had just chosen not to call him
    I just seem to have this almost uncontrollable need to be understood. I assume people who don’t give me what I want don’t understand where I’m coming from.
    I ‘ll have to re-read rori’s book
    I went out with my friend and her BF. I stood like a gomer at the bar for two hours. I talked to one guy I was introduced to by my friend and some random older guy asked if I did drugs and when I hesitated he offered me pot.
    I don’t have a problem with pot but it felt weird to be offered it randomly.
    I left around 1230 and cried almost all the way home cause I’m missing B.
    I think the stress is getting to me…I think I have come down with a cold or some such. I have a low grade temp and my muscles are killing me.
    I am very grateful for hot baths and extra strength neo citran.
    Yeah for Neo Citran



  28.  #28laughing goddess on December 5, 2009 at 8:22 pm

    Hey Jennifer,

    I was wondering how you are doing. All I can say is…I know how you feel. It’s cool and it will pass. Better things are on their way either with B or someone even better. I promise! This too shall pass. Is there anything you can think of doing that gets you feeling excited?



  29.  #29Jennifer on December 5, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    hey LG.
    Right now the only thing that makes me happy is the extra strength neo citran.
    Other than that I’m pretty down.
    I can’t even get into the Christmas spirit.
    Sorry to be such a bummer
    I love my bummer feelings.



  30.  #30Daria on December 5, 2009 at 8:46 pm

    I EFTd myself for hours. about having to confront guy who had a baby either by phone or by showing up to his house

    because i got another bill related to him. i DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS

    I want to talk to his mom and ask her to take this over for me

    I did not agree to this when I originally agreed to hlep him

    I feel so powerless and I feel stupid

    the two beliefs i did not Lefkoe out

    uf

    this keeps coming up!

    I made an appt with the lefkoe lady on tuesday. I wanted to work on men and attraction but maybe i will work on the

    strength to show up at his door or call and face possible rejection
    possible not making ppl happy
    possible ICKY
    possible attacks

    UGH

    i feel so stuck and im not
    all i have to do is DO IT
    but I WONT DO IT

    till it feels gOOD

    i feel a sense of DO’om much of which i tapped down

    i connected with this feeling and felt it out

    it comes from having to go home when my mom was sick an di felt powerless to hlep her

    its the same feeling off dooom

    and the stupid thing is my mom saying always

    cant u see your friends are taking advantage of you,,, all stupid people are laughing at you

    ugh i hate that

    i feel so bad about myself when i feel disrespected cuz i feel stupid that people are laughing at me

    UGH

    I hope the lefkoe lady can help me

    I feel so pinchy in my right side…
    is it my liver???

    or lower

    maybe my gallbladder

    also i cant breathe all the way in my throat and my

    trapezius muscles feel tense

    i love all my icky feelings

    its been very hard not to beat myself up and be with the doom



  31.  #31Daria on December 5, 2009 at 8:50 pm

    men even the ones that seem really cool have fuckin flaked on me the first day, acting like its all good

    consistently man aftter man

    i still dont have a man to come pick me up

    except that one guy thats been wanting to marry me for yrears

    i told one man to day i want a man that can come pikc me up and take me out

    cuz he was like come to me everything is here

    he said right now he isnt capable but i am can i meet him halfway cuz he would if he could

    i said
    well

    i want a man that can come to me and take me out, and i understand that you cant, but that just means you cant

    so he said ok i will call you when i can then

    i said ok

    i felt bitchy but oh well

    i dont feel like bothering with it anymore

    im perfectly capable of being on my own fuck it



  32.  #32laughing goddess on December 5, 2009 at 10:13 pm

    Hey Jennifer. I don’t feel concerned about you being a bummer. We all go through it. I feel happy that we are able to come here for support when it happens. Right now I feel excited about ben and jerry’s cinnamon bun ice cream…:-)



  33.  #33laughing goddess on December 5, 2009 at 10:22 pm

    Daria: I feel proud of you for standing up for what you want which is a man that will come to you. I believe you will get that. I feel excited about the work you are doing with the leskoes. Shoot, that’s cool that you got rid if 17 beliefs.



  34.  #34Flipper on December 6, 2009 at 4:04 am

    Mary, I really resonated with what you wrote (my caps), “I think I wanted him to be something that he was not. I wanted him to be PRESENT with me. He WAS NOT. I wanted him to be more AFFECTIONATE. He was not. I wanted him to WANT ONLY ME. He DID NOT. And something made me just keep wanting. I got addicted to the wanting….. And now it’s just different. He’s here with me now in a new way, and I’m more nonchalant about it. It’s like I got what I wanted, and I’m not so sure it’s everything I was thinking it could be.” For me, I realized that getting any bits of those things through my prompting just took away all their delightfulness and value. You also wrote “I’m HOPING I can feel things if they start going wrong again and take myself out of there!” – that sounds like a powerful INTENTION – Go for it! and I’ll INTEND the same on a parallel track.

    Daria, even though you still have feelings for babydad, this situation really sounds like something for your boy (whadisay???) WARRIOR energy. You got the power, Cheftaine (that’s French for Woman Chief). Nonchalance about Non-movers/rowers feels good to me; shaking it over to take me out Feels Even Better.

    Tracy , you wrote “my fears that the path i choose to take and the life i choose to live may interfere with settling down. I feel better trying all kinds of things and feeling freedom to study and travel and do all kinds of things…” Sounds good to me. After all, having your boy energy out Doing that means you’ll be meeting other people who do and like the same stuff. Even simply reading: if your boy will take you to physical bookstores, libraries and readings etc., instead of just exulting in cheaper deals online, your girl could feel grateful for the investment in your whole happiness, not just finnacial.



  35.  #35Tina on December 6, 2009 at 4:38 am

    I had a good weekend with “truck man” tonight we went to a hockey game again , Im beginning to like the burgers there:) a hockey puck came flying straight at me and would have killed me instanting if the plexy glass thing wasnt there, I screamed really loud but was ok, we laughed about it after. We found a really cool karaoke bar in the middle of no where and was great, I sang “Hotel california” and ” Better things to do” then we went driving around at night looking for moose tracks and coyate tracks. I let him hug me but no kissing, we did hold hands though, he touched me knee 😛 . When we were at the bar, I had this image in my head of cream pies 🙂 and a rock star. Three people came up to me and complimented me about my looks 🙂



  36.  #36Tina on December 6, 2009 at 4:49 am

    I”m just getting home at 7:30 am. He did mention tonight that we was sorta friends with “mooseman” the guy who stood me up so he could kill a wild beast, I said oh oops! Moose man did stand me up but we had great fun swimming last summer:) we kissed but that was it, but I didnt tell “truckman” that. He joking said that he would ask ” mooseman” he’s a housing contractor,to build us a house if we ever get “married” and he would kindly remind him of the time he stood me up and he came through the backwoods that very same night to take me out for coffee 🙂



  37.  #37Tina on December 6, 2009 at 5:07 am

    We did talk face to face about his “chat yelling” lol, I said to him ” you get no say in how I feel about sex right now” he said but but but, I said but nothing it’s my body, he said “your mean” I said no I feel indifferent. anyway we got along fine after that. He asked me if I wanted to drive , I said no I dont feel like driving right now. Tonight he said oh I dont mean to sound disrespectful but I was watching your ass going up the stairs in your skirt. I said oh and smiled 🙂



  38.  #38Tina on December 6, 2009 at 5:21 am

    haha, he also said , your sweater looks really nice, I really like your cleavage even though you werent really showing anything, he said he felt “pulled” like he couldnt help but try and get closer to look down. He said he didnt want to do that and disrespect me in public like that. He “accidently” brushed his hand across the side of my breast, I looked at him and said did you just touch my boob? he looked at me and said no that was an accident, I think he likes touching me 🙂



  39.  #39Kaitlyn on December 6, 2009 at 5:53 am

    Today, my friend tweeted me this: “Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option.”



  40.  #40Sandra on December 6, 2009 at 8:46 am

    I am the girl from the post….I used to be traumatized all the time….my biggest obstacle was forgiving abuse…my mom consistently forgave every single horrible thing my dad did to her…spit on her, hit her, rape her (sometimes if she talked back), belittled her, controlled her, and forbade her to have friends. Now with that role model I hve had to struggle every day with trying to form a new life for myself.

    What things have worked for you girls to put your energy back into yourself? I joined a Running Club–its so fun and the exercise has really eased my terrible worrying and focusing on my man. I go on Girls night when i can find a girl to go out but I am pretty isolated.
    Do you have any other ideas about how to keep myself busy? I am studying now for a Phd but that is actually very isolating–not like classes where you meet other students and I feel terribly lonely for company.

    What has worked for u guys–give me your ideas! I will try ANYTHING!

    Thanks Rori for the advice about “you” went to him….that is true and I never looked at it that way. I dont go chasing anyone anymore but I pass alot of time alone –no laughing, no girl talk, no one to do all the other things girls do–shopping, lunches, hair appts., play dates with their kids, or even go to CUBA or something really delicious….



  41.  #41tinque on December 6, 2009 at 9:12 am

    Tracy – “I am learning yo love what is…experience the love that is around me and i realize that it is so much more than i could ever dream of…”
    This is SO beautiful.
    xxoo



  42.  #42Nikita on December 6, 2009 at 11:45 am

    tinque,

    could you please expound on why masturbating_frequently..is so good? I am very proficient at it but my head wants to know why?????? what happens if it’s done daily versus-once a week?

    and does a lot more of it ….? grrrrr……please expound.
    thx 🙂



  43.  #43Katie on December 6, 2009 at 1:08 pm

    This is a thought provoking post – the notion that whatever a hurtful past contains with all the heartache, we kind of bring it into our lives – we were THERE. Then we continue to remind ourselves and keep on hurting ourselves with the memory and maybe blame too. I recognise myself here very much. I caused a sequence of events to happen with my ex. Its not what I wanted to happen atleast not consciously anyway, then I continue to re-run the movie in my head and wonder if it could have worked out differently.

    This just is NOT a good place to be I know, but I find it hard to redirect my thoughts sometimes. Its almost as if I can’t have the relationship I wanted with the man I wanted it with, so the painful memories are the only connection I still have – sometimes that feels better than no connection at all.



  44.  #44Mary on December 6, 2009 at 1:11 pm

    Mary says:

    Well, I keep not deciding what to do.

    Since I’ve been a hermit for almost two years, I’ve given a lot of thought to dating, and I’ve really been looking forward to getting out there and trying all the tools. I was waiting to get my real estate license, and I still am not ready to take the test. So that’s number 1 on my agenda.

    I got into circular dating quite by accident when a friend met me at a dance, my ex-fiance just happened to show up, and a long lost love contacted me out of the blue. I didn’t feel serious about any of these guys, so I just decided to enjoy the time with them.

    Then they started fighting for me. And that’s why circular dating is so brilliant. It does really make you look like you’re in control of your life, like you’re the one making the decisions, and it does make the men go wild.

    The problem is that I never got out to do the light-hearted fun stuff. The guy I was dancing with jumped in with two feet and immediately started telling me he loved me. My ex-fiancee suddenly wanted me back and keeps talking marriage. (And I’m not considering the long lost love, because he’s in the middle of a divorce. I’m trying not to think about him; but he’s out there. He sent me a letter in the mail that was more or less an open invitation to relationship, in the future… in other words, he’s hoping I’ll be around when he’s finally single. The letter was all written in metaphors.)

    I want to just casually date for a while. And it’s Christmas! What a romantic time for dating! But who knows? Things have changed with me and my ex-fiance. He’s been out dating and now he’s decided that I’m the One. (but that somehow makes me feel like a consolation prize…) I have changed because of all the study, the time alone, the deep reflections and the decisions I’ve made. I’m also on a career track now, and that boosts my confidence. He keeps telling me I’m soooooo different than I was before. And that haunts me, because I’m the same person, just further down the road a bit.

    If I tell him that I’m going to do some casual dating, he’ll think that I’m not sure about him. (Which is probably true.) And that’ll kill him, and I sooooo don’t want to do that! It reminds me of what you said – Mercedes – if you slept with another guy, it would shatter your guy into a thousand pieces. I think that’s what would happen here. (and I wouldn’t be sleeping with anyone – just kissing.)

    If I just keep going the way we’re going, we’ll probably get married in four to six months, and I never will have done the casual dating that I wanted to do.

    The other guy is out of town at the moment, but he called this morning to say he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. Wow, I don’t even know how to juggle him back into the picture.

    What was that speech again? I would like to be married, but I don’t want to put pressure on our relationship, so I’m keeping my options until I have a ring on my finger (and I’m happy about it – that little key phrase for me!)

    I must risk the rejection that my ex-fiancee is going to feel! I must do it. The guy who’s out of town is finally cool with me dating other people, and I’m cool with him doing that, too. Somehow that makes him less special to me. The dilemma is that I don’t want to ratchet down the special feelings I have towards my ex, and the feelings he has towards me by putting that whorrrrrrrrrrrish, dating-around element in there. He knows how much I love to kiss. And kisses are more intimate than sex…

    This guy might make a fantastic husband for me.

    I could just hang in there, date only him, and keep my wits about me… maybe leave when my feelings tell me I should go! I can start circular dating whenever…

    Rori has said it all in her CDs: go ahead and circular date! If he can’t man-up, he isn’t worth it! (Is that what she said?) But I’ve been thinking since the last discussion, and I’m a little confused now because of all the opinions on the other side… I don’t want to lose a good man. And someone said that she wouldn’t want her man to say okay about her having other men in her life. What I said to my ex was this: “I’m not asking you to LIKE it! I’m asking you to TOLERATE it!” I probably shouldn’t have asked him anything…

    Not sure how to handle this. Any suggestions? I would really listen to what anyone has to say… Of course my situation seems dramatic at the moment! Time will go by, and the drama won’t be there, and I’ll have the wisdom of perspective, but maybe you have that wisdom for me now, when I need it! Please give me the view from your vantage point!



  45.  #45Katie on December 6, 2009 at 1:19 pm

    When I am not stuck in the movie of the past I am getting out and my life is moving on anyway.

    Tracy – you are inspiring to me – ‘learning to love what is…’
    I am learning so much, here, and everywhere else too at the moment. So although I feel down sometimes and I feel lonely and sometimes I feel like I will never find another guy to love I do feel that I am growing and I know that is good.

    Love Katie xx



  46.  #46Mary on December 6, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Katie, wow! Your last thoughts: “the painful memories are the only connection I still have – sometimes that feels better than no connection at all.” I think that’s what happened to me for the last two years. I stayed connected through my painful thoughts! Because they were the only connection I had… I’m sad that you’re in that place.

    This is such a great blog.



  47.  #47Katie on December 6, 2009 at 1:39 pm

    Mary – hello
    It sounds like you have been spending your time wisely! Developing yourself – it sounds great. I have only just started with one online dating site, just a beginner really. But one thing that has really surprised me is how totally differently I feel and respond just to the messages from 6 guys in total. When i get out there and start to meet any of them it will be the next step, but I will have to remind myself its meant to be ‘free therapy’ and an experiment :-).
    Men seem to want reasons for things so the explanation or speech about circular dating seems a good idea, keeping options open. If an ex resurfaces well then I think I would carry on doing exactly what I was doing before and just play the whole situation by ear. Tell him that i didn’t want to break contact with other man friends that I have met while apart from him. Then suggest we give it, say, a monthly review and talk about how we both might feel by then. I know this is very hypothetical but just what has come up reading your comments above.



  48.  #48Katie on December 6, 2009 at 1:45 pm

    Yes – even painful memories can provide comfort – argghh – I know this is not good!! But I am trying to just accept the feelings I have without blocking and intercepting them. Just feeling…breathing…allowing! This alone is healing. If I have to carry on the process until any remaining pain just fades away then so be it.



  49.  #49Katie on December 6, 2009 at 1:52 pm

    I am committed to having a strong dependable and loving relationship with a good man (a good for me man). I trust that all this ‘work’ will get me to that point in time where I shall meet him and I will know.

    If I think back through most of my relationships then there were feelings that came up BEFORE i got all attached and feeling connected. Then what happened was that I went into over-ride mode and started to see only the things that fitted the ‘dream’. If that makes sense.



  50.  #50Katie on December 6, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    The only result is ouch!! With this scenario (as my comments above). And it’s taken me a heck of a long time to get HERE! Longer than I care to admit!

    We’re all encouraged from way young onwards to dream the fairytale and then make our reality fit into that dream.



  51.  #51Mary on December 6, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    Thank you, Katie!

    I like your idea of a monthly review. Very interesting. I can’t find it, but Rori posted something that spoke directly to me when I was in the midst of the worst of the pain: I think it was about closure… she said don’t worry about closure! don’t worry about forgetting your man! Keep him with you at all times, and let him be the criteria for choosing a better man (something like that, anyway…) Keep thanking him for having been there in your life, and for the lessons you learned from him, and that now your life is going to be better because of him!

    One thing that helped me a lot when I was going through my “at home” stage was a little workbook where I filled out all the good things about being alone. I really was surprised to find tons of things:

    I can go shopping and buy clothes that I like, even if they’re 4″ heels in a cheetah pattern, with a purse to match, and people call me “wild woman.” I’m not a reflection of anybody else, so I can wear whatever I want.

    I can wake up at 3am and decide to drive down to the ocean and check out the reflection of the moon on the water. I don’t have to explain why I want to do this to anybody.

    I can spend as much time as I want on the computer, talking to YOU, and no one is jealous of that time. It’s time for me, doing what I want to do.

    I can answer the phone and be out the door within seconds, because I don’t have to check anyone else’s schedule to see if I can make plans with a friend. I’m available! I’m ON the market! And the market is not just eligible bachelors, it’s EVERYbody! There is a world out there of people to love!

    I can talk on the phone for hours and hours if I want to. No TV blaring in the background. No “who are you talking to?” questions to answer.

    I can pursue a new career (and I am), get a new hobby, buy a new car (and I will), go out with as many guys as I can fit in, change my hairstyle, dance the night away, go to a fine-dining restaurant, eat alone and love it!

    And now I can give sage advice to friends, because loneliness has somehow become boring to me, when I can be out and about in this interesting world with the diva that is me!

    And then, when I thought of these things, I’d sigh, and curl up at home with myself, and think about – and long for – my guy. And no one could take that bittersweet moment away. And nothing could compare to it’s precious quality and what it was doing for me in that moment.

    Your pain is your own. Savor the flavor of it! I remember my own pain, with sadness and fondness. And I wish for you the best on this beautiful day, today, Katie…



  52.  #52Katie on December 6, 2009 at 2:34 pm

    Well Mary… 4″ heels in a cheetah print wow!! Mmmm driving down to the ocean at 3am, what fantastic ideas and inspirations. Thank you xx



  53.  #53tinque on December 6, 2009 at 3:24 pm

    nikita – first of all many, many women feel weird about masturbation, and for those women I wish for then to let that go, for if you can’t feel comfortable touching yourself, being with yourself, how will you possibly be able to let yourself go and be totally open and comfortable and vulnerable with a partner.
    It’s also the best way to discover what it is you like.
    It helps you release tight places, places you hold tension and/or old trapped emotions. As those areas let go, new sensations take their place, amazing feelings you may have never imagined you were capable of feeling. Anything you uncover/discover about yourself in this way can only make partnered sex better. To heights and depths maybe unimagined before.
    How often you do it is totally up to you. Once a day, many times a day, or once a week. I would opt for the more, but that’s me.
    Women are unlike men in that they don’t need recharge time. The more orgasms we have, the more we want, and the more of them we are able to have.
    Orgasms are a great way to relieve stress. A wonderful way to lull yourself to sleep at night or wake yourself up in the morning.
    Masturbating is fun, educational, and it just feels good. It’s just a good and healthy thing to do.
    I hope this helps. Please feel free to ask me anything, anytime.
    xxoo



  54.  #54Nikita on December 6, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    thx tinque,

    the tension in the muscles part is interesting….I’m wondering how it affects a woman’s vibration….but also if it can relieve upper back aches,….I’d see it duty masturbation……could it restore a balance of sorts?



  55.  #55tinque on December 6, 2009 at 4:03 pm

    Nikita – Tension is a huge interference in a woman’s or anyone’s energy/vibration. Most people are unaware of the extent of their holdings. As you start to unwind these places of holding, the more you find. It’s a process like all of this.
    The more you release, the more you can feel, in all ways, physically, emotionally, psychically, sexually.
    In my opinion it can most definitely help to restore balance. If nothing else it helps you feel better from whatever may be troubling you.
    I was thinking more about frequency, For me this changes for various reasons, stress, things on my mind, time, hormones, no seeming reason at all.
    When I was in a big exploratory phase, I did it a lot. I would sometimes do it just to find something, not necessarily because nature called. Nature rarely calls. But once I get started, it’s easy to warm up to the idea. It’s easy to just warm up.
    Since I’ve moved to the east coast, I’ve been doing it a lot less, and not because I have less time. I have more of that, but for some reason, I’ve been in more of a lull though K would argue with that statement lol.
    I do like the idea of duty masturbation or therapeutic masturbation.
    xxoo



  56.  #56Mary on December 6, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    Hi Katie, Here’s the post I was referring to:

    Don’t Let Go, Don’t Resolve, Forget Closure and Stay On Your Horse Tuesday, 23 June 2009 @ 3:39pm



  57.  #57Daria on December 6, 2009 at 7:47 pm

    Ugh I feel annoyed about the “whorish” dicussion and now Im reading one of mary’s comment and she seems to think that circular dating is related to whorish.

    i feel angry

    Mary i assure you Mercedes is not “on the other side” of circular dating. She has said plenty of times that she is for circular dating and has done it before.

    I think the “whorish” discussion is about what to do about sex when circular dating, which is a whole differnt thing and not only triggers people but also is a personal decision.

    Gosh i feel mad and vindictive!



  58.  #58Daria on December 6, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    I feel judged by the whole whorish discussion and I feel angry about that. and defensive.

    Ugh i feel so mad. i felt very free to be me and thanks to this allowed myself to feel what i feel about sex and finally drop my own judgements about sex

    and now pow

    someone comes to throw them back in our faces and it feels BAD

    I feel really mad!

    I feel really mad!

    we are all about being free to be ourselves and loving ourselves and opening up,

    not about judgments and what so and so men or people say about us or other women

    wtf!

    ooh Aphrodite was a whore Goddess… oh i bet she shouldnt be that way… lets take her away from being aphrodite and make her scrub floors (especially if she doesnt like it)



  59.  #59Daria on December 6, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    Circular Dating is about whats good for you.

    Whats good for YOU is good for any and all men in your life EVEN IF THEY DONT LIKE IT.



  60.  #60Daria on December 6, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    Thinking about him and what he feels is OVERFUNCTIONING!

    Uff i feel so triggered.

    yes of course we don’t want men to be OK with us circular dating! they are gonna want to be the only one! that is how circular dating inspires a man to claim us!

    and that doesnt mean we latch on to any proposition when we dont feel ready to

    we are free to be us. there is a river of men

    THERE IS A RIVER OF MEN AND WE ARE PONDS!

    nobody is a WHORE UNLESS SHE LIKES IT

    JUDGEMENTS COME FROM STANCES AND DEFENCES THAT WE ARE WORKING TO DISMANTLE

    I FEEL ANGRY!



  61.  #61Daria on December 6, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Tinque I read this in depth sexual site from a chinese doctor that actually says that excessive masturbation is not good , for the women, it drains our life force…

    that scared me a lot

    also me personally, I don’t seem to have that experience of … no recharge time… I find that I feel uncomfortable or bored touching myself after i have an orgasm,

    at least in the past

    id be interested in it feeling awesome great amazing but really that hasnt been my experience so far

    so i thought that maybe its cuz my life force was drained i would just feel sleepy

    otherwise it just feels like im forcing myself

    also a lot of times lately i noticed that touching my breasts in a sexual way makes my stomach turn and i want to throw up almost feeeling

    and thats happening now with men too i feel not great aobut having my breasts touched

    it kinda sucks



  62.  #62Daria on December 6, 2009 at 8:01 pm

    Id love to let go of the belief that masturbation drains my life force



  63.  #63Nikita on December 6, 2009 at 8:35 pm

    I love my whorish feelings 🙂 I love excessive feeling judging masturbation as draining my chi…I love believing for a woman masturbation can transmute and bring on stronger chi….I love my transformative feelings 😉



  64.  #64Rori Raye on December 6, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    Sandra – Thank you so much for coming forward, and thank you for letting me use your letter to help us all….Here’s the simple answer – you go out ALONE. This doesn’t mean bars…this means classes where there are people – lectures, things on ethe environment, travel – it’s in all the local papers – people are speaking everywhere all the time. Go to the gym in the evening, and the market after work – that’s when the men are there. Go to the highest end places – helath food stores, art openings…make friends through similar interests.. DISCOVER YOUR interests…this is how you do it. Forming a new life is all about finding out who you are and what YOU like! I loved the movie “Runaway Bride” with Julia Roberts – it was all about her not even knowing what she LIKED – so start making a LISt of what you like!!! This is a process. The more you apply yourself, and are pro-active about discovering and loving YOU, and the less you focus on anything to do with a MAN – the faster you’ll move forward. And expect it to feel uncomfortable. You’re undoing a lifetime of bad programming – but you’ll get the hang of it. This is therapy you’re doing – and every human being you meet will be your therapist. Use every interaction with every man to heal yourself (This is the basis of the Targeting Mr. Right program) – and just hang on – it may feel like a rollercoaster sometimes – so consider it a RIDE. Love, Rori



  65.  #65Daria on December 6, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    Nikita THANKS!!!! I LOVE IT TOO!!!



  66.  #66Tracy on December 6, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    Flipper,
    Thanks for pointing that out about the boy energy.
    I feel more grounded about doing the things i love to do.
    I feel good finding someone i can share my experiences with…What feels even better is that i am learning to love myself….
    It feels like a new experience and i want to focus on improving how i feel about myself and my life…



  67.  #67Mary on December 6, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    Hey there,

    Rori, that was awesome. I like the part about not focusing on the man. Mmmmmm, I’m gonna try to do that.

    Daria, I’m just getting home and reading about your feelings. I must say that reading about how triggered you are is a bit scary for me. Are you still feeling mad?

    I just looked back at what I wrote to see what you were referring to! I think that my dating around is being perceived by the guy I love to be WAY out of his book, WAY not something he would do to someone he loves, and WAY not something he is going to take from me. I used the word whorish very loosely there; it was probably not the most appropriate word. I certainly didn’t say it to pass judgment on anyone.

    What’s going on with him is sort of a subtle, but not so subtle ultimatum. He’s not SAYING that I shouldn’t go out with anyone else, because I think he has some fear there, but he’s implying that if I do, he would look down on me. It wouldn’t be behavior that would motivate him towards me, but the other way around. Here’s what happened:

    One night, a few weeks ago, I went with him to an afternoon opera. Afterwards, we were kissing at his place, and I told him I really needed to go. He asked me where I was going and who I was going with… all that! And I told him I had plans that evening. He was FURIOUS. He immediately knew that I was going out with the other guy, and later he said, “So you were kissing me and telling me you loved ME, and then you went out with him, and who knows what you were doing and saying with him!”

    Wow, I felt really low.

    I don’t mind if he doesn’t LIKE it, I do mind if I lose status in his eyes. That’s what I’m afraid of, but hey… I’m just beginning to learn about men and what motivates them. It might be that I could go out with ten or twelve other men, have a great time, and get to marry him, too! Or maybe someone else will be a better match for me! Right now I’m SO SCARED to risk it!

    I’m at a stalemate with myself… just asking for help.

    I think that’s because of the depth of our relationship. I referred to what Mercedes was saying because she’s in a deep relationship. She said that she wouldn’t circular date in that situation. I’m simply wondering what to do in my situation! Daria, you might have more experience than I do, and I’d love your opinion!

    I’m not living with this guy; we haven’t seen each other for years and we just started dating again a month ago, and now he’s saying he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. So I have the proposal, which is the goal of circular dating, but it happened too fast, and I don’t know if I’m happy with it! Oh, I don’t know what to do, what to do… because if I start going out with other men, I could lose him, and I’m not sure if I want that to happen. He’s a difficult one, though. Never been married… very skittish… so other men might just keep him interested. But how to sustain that interest once he has me?

    I feel scared to get engaged right now. But I feel scared not to. And I’m scared because I’m getting my buttons pushed, so I’m not in control any more. How to get back in control? That is the question…



  68.  #68Daria on December 7, 2009 at 1:08 am

    Mary…

    I feel amused and a lil proud that you felt scared by my expressing my anger. hehe! its one of the main things i learned to do here on this blog!

    i don’t feel angry, but i do feel very triggered

    EECK this guy feels icky to me! Feeling like I could lose status in his eyes feels AWFUL! IT feels like toxicity!

    no way!!! we never lose status! we are Goddesses. He loses status when we don’t feel good around him… and feeling scared of being looked down upon feels HORRIBLE!! aack

    i feel like running away from this guy. he has to show ME that he’s the one for me, not me to him!!

    and for him to show up out of nowhere and propose but its PRECARIOUS???

    well if it’s precarious it sure doesn’t feel good at all… thats not a proposal i would want to accept

    i want a GOOD FEELING RELATIONSHIP

    not a scary feeling insecure feeling relationship

    thats how i would feel in this situation

    i would feel BAD and say no (speech) this feels BAD to me… I don’t feel comfortable

    and I don’t like feeling bad about myself, I don’t want to close my options down until I feel secure in an engagement… and right now I don’t feel secure, I feel rushed and insecure, i feel mistrustful…

    and i really like you in fact i love you, and I very much want you to be the man for me, but right now this feels rushed and not good for me, I actually feel frightened, and I feel offended and worried that I get the feeling that i am being judged, and that I might be rejected… and that feels horrible and is not what i want… Im actually feeling kind of angry to be put in this position right now, and although i very much love you i am feeling confused and would liek to date and take my time and see if you want the same thing i want, which is a relationship where i feel secure and loved …

    what do you think?

    or something a lil shorter maybe?? hehe

    but i just can’t deny that i feel furious at this man for expecting me to commit to me after he re BARGES into my life HA



  69.  #69Mary on December 7, 2009 at 2:45 am

    “i really like you in fact i love you, and I very much want you to be the man for me, but right now this feels rushed and not good for me, I actually feel frightened” – that’s PERFECT!

    Wow, Daria… thank you !!!!!!! I love the speech! It’s really good! Just the way I feel. I’m gonna use it! Because you’re right, he did just barge right in and think he could have me! And I was having so much fun with the other guy, and looking forward to dating, too. And I kinda want to wait until the long lost love is single. This guy is very special, but very unpredictable. And I do love him. And yes, I want to take my time. I like this very much. I feel happy now. Thank you.



  70.  #70Katie on December 7, 2009 at 3:20 am

    Mary and Daria
    That interaction you just had is so good – if (big IF) i found myself in a similar situation with my ex then I’d proably be feeling all those things that Daria just described. The way you just put that string of feelings together, wow! A very real way to express a range of feelings to a man so well said.
    And Mary thanks for the ref above for that post from June, I will go read it now.
    Love Katie xx



  71.  #71Mary on December 7, 2009 at 9:23 am

    It’s AMAZING how hard this is for me. Talking about feelings isn’t hard, but figuring out what they are really, really hard!

    Daria, when you said all those things above, I was thinking, Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! That’s the way I feel!

    You know what? I just don’t WANT to feel that way. I want to want to get married, because of all those insecurities. To take an action against marriage feels like cutting off one of my limbs, because a man is the way I get around in the world.

    But I’m working on that.

    Thank Daria and Katie.



  72.  #72tinque on December 7, 2009 at 9:36 am

    Daria – “Tinque I read this in depth sexual site from a chinese doctor that actually says that excessive masturbation is not good , for the women, it drains our life force…”

    I have heard this too in tantric writings, BUT this refers to men. Men excrete their “life force”, so the theory is that ejaculation drains life force. I’m ambivalent about this theory. The teaching say though that for women on the other hand it is ENERGIZING. This I can agree with. SO dear Daria, you can let that belief go. Check out Margot Anand’s books.
    As for recharge time, there is a difference being needing and wanting it. Women don’t need time to recharge, but most of us feel satisfied after a nice orgasm, so we just don’t especially want to keep going.
    Try not to worry about whatever it is you’re feeling lately. We go through phases as in phases of the moon. Our cycles dictate hugely how we feel in any given moment. The stresses and strains of life play a role as well. Not enjoying having your breasts touched could simply be your hormones are making them extra tender right now, so yes, touch could be icky feeling.
    This will pass.
    Amazingness I had to work on. What I did was to imagine I was feeling things I really wasn’t, but this helped to awaken dormant tissues. In time, actually lots of time, they did wake up, and amazing began to happen, at first only sometimes, then more frequently. I don’t have amazing every single time, but it’s ALWAYS nice.
    xxoo



  73.  #73Dorothea on December 7, 2009 at 9:42 am

    grrrr i feel grrrrrrr i just was typing something here and then POOF it disappeared. stupid laptop. i’d break it if it wasn’t so expensive to replace it:P



  74.  #74Mary on December 7, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    one more thing…

    Rori – i’m trying to figure out for myself one of the things that you posed in a question: when is a man no good?

    because sometimes he looks good, he acts good, but i don’t feel good! and sometimes i feel great, even though he might have offended me in some way, so i’m thinking that it might not have anything to do with my feelings.

    but… if i keep feeling awful about myself when i’m with a guy, it’s probably a good indication that he’s not the guy for me. i don’t know if that means he’s no good!

    and who am i to judge, anyway? but judgments are part of choosing, and choosing a mate is my biggest thing! so i must have some criteria for it.

    please talk more about this, rori!



  75.  #75Mary on December 7, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    oops, that was supposed to go on today’s blog! i’m always doing that; sorry…



  76.  #76jessica on December 8, 2009 at 2:12 pm

    In response to your above post and with help from your blogs, newsletters and ebook I have a brief story to share. I went to his house to get an antifirus software that he offered (a $60 savings…yeah!) I was only there but a few minutes and he drove up. It was 2 o’clock in the afternoon, and I know from having lived with him for almost 2 years that he never comes home at 2 p.m.
    I ran! not walked out of there and jumped in my car, I know what FEELS bad and for the first time in our lives, I CHOSE to get away…no… RUN away….he ran up to the car and said where u goin, I said gotta go, and I did! Any other time I would of melted, not this time, I got out of there, cuz it feels bad. I chose to not feel bad and it felt GOOD. I almost forgot what feeling good felt like.



  77.  #77kim on December 10, 2009 at 12:30 pm

    Hello,
    I just found your site today and I like what you have to say.

    I left my husband about 8 months ago because I didn’t like who I was becoming. How we treated each other. I have made a lot of mistakes in our marriage and have hurt and hurt back. I found I was becoming verbally abusive to him. He put up with so much crap from me. I have recently realized that I was holding on to mistakes he made in the beginning of our marriage, never truelly forgiving him or allowing him to change. It became a vicious vicious cycle of you did this you did that.

    All I ever wanted was to be a happy family. He has seemed to move on and seems happy. I can’t seem to move on. A big part of me wants his forgiveness and wants him to take me back. He won’t because he doesn’t trust me.

    How can I win him back?



  78.  #78Rori Raye on December 11, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    Kim – a lot going on, here. How are you working to change everything inside yourself? Are you no longer angry with him? Of course we always want what we don’t have and regret what we sent away…but are you sure he’s what you want now? The only way to draw in ANY man is to lean back, strengthen yourself, and invite him in. If what you’re doing is asking him, verbally, in body language, or actions, to give this another try – you’re just beating your head against the wall. It’s just another version of what you had going on during the marriage. The way to move on is to Circular Date, and not try to let go of him. Let your own life start to live and see what happens….As you shift, things may change with the relationship – we just don’t know – but pleading with a man to trust you and take you back is not the way to go…….Love, Rori



  79.  #79Jessie on December 11, 2009 at 7:26 pm

    kim!
    The more bored I get, the more I think about my Ex. but when i do something new that was really fun–go on vacation, go out for a girls night, join a running club (that really helped me make friends because my Ex used to be my only friend), plan something really exciting with my kids–swimming, snowboarding, roller blading, biking, beach trips, extra trips to my sisters and moms house, all these things would ease the pain…and soon my Ex came around because I wasnt on his radar and because I wasnt calling and fightting with him but actually looked (to him) that I was having fun without him. I love it now, but the first few months of a break up you could miss a TOAD…you could even miss the most horrible abusive jerk…because change is huge! ITs hard to eat alone at first before u make new connections and its hard not to have his credit card around for emergencies, its hard to hear from ur friends (mine did this) “i told you that it was over’ or get over it or I dont know why you are so miserable.

    I found it sucks at first but you can honestly get over ANYTHING –just believe that . if he comes back because you found your new spirit–Great! or if he actually finds his heart again after the stress is off… but you have a lot of living to do right now–whether you are single or not….so live it! do everything you always wanted to do…and have fun…get some lovings…not necessarily sex but forgive yourself if you were not happy about your part in the break up—it happens! love your self and you could actually make mistakes and it still can end up OK….



  80.  #80jessica on December 12, 2009 at 7:03 am

    Jessie, WOW what a great message you have, I got a lot of insight from your post. There is nothing more true! than what you said. ENJOY yourdelf, DO things u couldnt because u were so miserable in the past relationship, FORGIVE yourself! “you could miss the most horrible abusive jerk” WOW thats a fact, I am living proof. “change is huge”. WOW, I am living proof of that. I refuse to compromise anymore! I BELIEVE the relationship I deserve is out there. I am number one Diva, It takes a lot of tears and pain to GROW. Rori, you and this message board are one of the pieces to my puzzle of happiness. Thank you guys SO MUCH!!!!!!!!



  81.  #81forex robot on December 17, 2009 at 10:54 am

    Great post this will really help me.



  82.  #82Kate on March 16, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Rori,
    I got your brief email and am waiting anxiously to hear from you. The truth of the matter is that maybe I put too much hope in the beginning of my relationship (1 1/2 years) and did not circulate date. He was not dating others so I chose not to as well.

    He was actually very good to me but because of all my insecurities, I was always on guard, overfunctioning, and intense. This is why we could never make it to the second level. In the last few days I did tell him this and also that I care very deeply for him. Now knowing my mistakes of not allowing my feelings to come through and always pretending to be cool and therefore intense with his friends and family, we have broken up.
    I want so much now to be normal with him and allow him to see my new confidence (I am working on it) and that I can express my feelings to him without being intense or pushing him out. Your blogs indicate for me to stop and date others to get me back to where I am not thinking about him.
    Unfortunately, it is not that easy for me. I love him. I want to be with him. He was good for me and I don’t want him to just let everything we worked toward to go by the wayside.
    I feel I was good for him too and we have an incredible chemistry and have fun no matter what we are doing. It was like magic when we met and what our goals were. Unfortunately, through the relationship, I was always afraid to bring it up or at least my feelings of wanting to know where we were. I still don’t know if a guy wants to hear this after reading your blogs and hearing your CDs. Does he want to know that I may (or am) insecure and would feel better if he knew that I cared for him and wanting a more secure feeling so I could relax around him?
    As I mentioned, he has two focal points he has to get through in the next two months and then he is more available (time-wise). Last night when we spoke, he actually opened up to me with some of his feelings after I had expressed some of my “feel” words to him. It felt great that he could express what I wished we had done in the year past. I asked to stay a part of his social life and when we saw each other again, to please “unzip” his heart like I had just done. He said he would. I kissed him hard and he did kiss back. He walked me to my car and as I pulled away, I burst into tears.
    Now, I am at work. Can’t get anything done. Keep rehashing the mistakes I have made, what I want to do to repair for myself, and want him to see the wonderful changes in me as I gain new confidence (hopefully) and let down the oars and guards.
    How do I keep him in my life? We go to the same church but I feel it may be too soon to attend the same service or any service (he sometimes ushers) because I don’t want him to feel that I am pushing. I asked him if he would go out with me sometime to have fun and he said he would. I asked him to give me a call when he found out about the job situation and he agreed. Now what?!! I am hopelessly lost. I wanted this to be my last relationship. I am tired of dating and want to make a committment to someone. I was married for a short time in my 20’s and now am in my late 40’s and really want to be part of someone’s life. I thought it was going to be him. I am on the verge of tears at any given moment. I am trying not to beat myself up. I have your Committment Blueprint and it would be great if I could practice the skills but have him be there to work this through. Please help me.
    Kate



  83.  #83Buttery on March 15, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    I want to let go of Jeff.

    We’ve been apart for…wow…6 1/2 years, we haven’t been in contact for over 2 years, yet thoughts of him still pop into my head…..”when will Jeff love me?” . It’s ridiculous. I feel ashamed that these compulsive thoughts are still there.

    But, I no longer feel angry. I do feel a lot of regret, at how many years I stayed with him and how many years I was numb to my feelings. I feel sad for abandoning myself for all those years.

    I forgive myself for those years of passivity and inaction, for not knowing what else to do. I can take care of myself now. I also forgive Jeff, whatever he did or didn’t do ….none of it matters now.

    I have moved forward in my life, happier with myself and in a happy relationship. Now I know what it feels like to receive love. The sadness is there but I am allowing it to come to the surface, allowing myself to feel the sadness.

    I want to heal myself of these compulsive thoughts of Jeff. They are not rational, but it seems I spent so many years with him yearning for his love that it turned into a subconscious pattern of thinking.

    Oh god, please heal me of this. I have moved forward. Help me to let go of the past.